"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags

Let’s face it, women provide men with a lot of excuses. It reminds me of an old tune “Up On Cripple Creek” by The Band. In that instance, the lyrics of the song identify that it’s a woman making excuses for her drunken man:

“Up on Cripple Creek, she sends me. If I spring a leak, she mends me. I don’t have to speak, she defends me. A drunkard’s dream, if I ever did see one.”

When it comes to dating, one of the big excuses for a man’s bad behavior that I hear often is, “I think he’s just intimidated by me.” I also hear, “He likes me, he just doesn’t want to admit it.” Wrong. He is not into you.

Men are simple creatures, ladies, and quite honestly, they are not that difficult to figure out (i.e. they wave relationship red flags you need to pick up on). They don’t have the complex range of emotions that women have and when they communicate amongst themselves, it’s very basic communication at best.

Women bring a lot of emotional turmoil and heartache onto themselves by throwing logic out the window and attempting to tune into a man using their emotions instead. Basic logic is what men use when communicating, not emotion. So why are you using emotions to decipher logic?

That’s like trying to listen to the radio – via the television remote control. In order to tune into an FM station, you need a radio receiver – not a remote control. Logic and common sense is your radio receiver, ladies. Emotion and the television’s remote control will do you no good here.

So when dating, don’t throw your common sense out the window. It’s your greatest, most valuable, asset. Let’s cut through all the background “noise” and get straight to the point - let’s listen to the music.

Signs That He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags

He Wants A Relationship Right Away: Big relationship red flag. He’s “fast tracking” you – into the bedroom. The speed with which he appeared, is the speed with which he’ll disappear.

You’re Calling Him: If he really likes you, he’ll call you. He’ll make time for you and he’ll want to beat out other men by making his presence known. If he’s not calling you, it’s because he’s avoiding you. Don’t make a fool of yourself by trying to convince him to date you. It appears desperate to men. The more you call, the less attracted to you he will be (but he will still sleep with you first).

You've Been Dating For Months, Yet No "L" Word: If it's been 6 months or more, that's because he's not feeling anything for you and he probably never will.

He Takes Days, Weeks or Hours To Respond To Calls And Texts: You’re not high on his list of priorities.

He Disappears: Big red flag. He’s definitely not that into you. A guy who really likes a girl would NEVER even consider doing this for fear he’d lose her.

You’re Asking Him Out: If HE’S not asking YOU out, it’s because he doesn’t want to spend time with you. Men go after what they desire. Period – case closed. NEVER initiate a date – EVER. You’ll never know where you stand with him and he’ll never respect you completely. Become the aggressor and you’ll have a 3 week affair, but never a relationship.

He’s Offering A Burger When You Deserve A Steak: If he’s taking you to casual dining places rather than romantic tables covered in white linens, he doesn’t value you. Times are tough, I get that. But at least once or twice a month, he should be treating you like something of value.

You’ve Met Online, But He’s Never Asked Your Last Name: That’s because he doesn’t care who you are. Your name could be Knarly Marley and it wouldn’t matter because it’s the face and the body, not the person inside, that he’s focused on. You might as well be a blow up doll.

He’s Not Paying For Anything: He’s an opportunist looking for his next victim. He doesn’t value you and never will. He’s a bum. No respectable man lets a woman pick up the tab – EVER. Providing for a woman is what makes a man feel like a man.

He’s Aggressive About Sex: He doesn’t care to know who you are, but is dying to know what you look like naked.

His Text Or Email Conversations Are Usually No More Than 5 Words In Length: He’s being polite by responding, but he doesn’t really care. This is especially true in online dating. If he can’t converse with you prior to meeting you, he won’t bother much while you’re sitting across the table from him either - but he will still ask to see your apartment after dinner.

The Ex Comes Up Often: He’s hung up and he’s not over it. His heart is elsewhere and he’s emotionally unavailable. If the ex comes up often, you leave immediately or it’ll only be a matter of time before he’s comparing the two of you in his head – and you’ll never live up to his glorified memories of her.

You’re Performing Great Acts of Kindness While He Does Nothing: He’s taking advantage of you and probably referring to you as his cleaning lady to his buds. No man expects a woman he respects and admires to act like a servant. So stop doing laundry, running errands, baking cookies, cooking meals and cleaning his apartment.

He Hides His Phone: Because there are things in there he doesn’t want you to see. He’s communicating with other women, exchanging porn with friends, dealing drugs, stockpiling naked pictures of his exes or is a CIA operative. Any way you slice it, he’s not letting you in.

He’s Late All The Time: He’s being disrespectful and signaling that HIS time is priority, not YOURS. He’s also signaling that he doesn’t care about the consequences of upsetting you.

He Went To An Important Event Without Inviting You: He doesn’t see you as part of his lifestyle. You’re on the fringes, you’re not on the inside.

His Actions Don’t Match His Words: He’s a player and he’s playing you via mental manipulation. He’s telling you what he thinks you want to hear – and then doing whatever the hell he wants.

He Refers To Himself As A Player: He’s warning you that he’s in it for fun and games, not long term commitment. A man who wants to be with you long term will NEVER want you to think this of him. But a man who doesn’t care about you, will want you to think he’s a real catch – so you’ll sleep with him to see what all the fuss is about.

He Can’t Commit To Plans More Than 24 Hours In Advance: He’s waiting for something better to do and you’re playing second fiddle. A guy who really likes you will want to take up your days and evenings so that no other man can.

When You’re Speaking, He’s Gawking In Other Directions: He’s tuning you out because what you have to say holds no value to him. He’s biding his time and going through the motions until the evening progresses – and he can then get “down to business” with you.

He Repeats Things He’s Already Told You Over And Over Again: He doesn’t remember anything he’s already told you because he’s running schtick on you. He’s been on loads of dates and he doesn’t remember who with. This is his game and he’s like a record stuck on repeat going through the motions.

He Won’t Give You A Drawer At His Place: If you’ve been spending lots of overnight stays there and this doesn’t eventually happen, it’s because he has no plans of you being there long term.

He Leaves The Room To Take Calls: He’s speaking to people you wouldn’t approve of and that he never intends to inform you of.

He’s Gone Before 9AM: If he’s spending the night and regularly leaves early in the morning rather than taking you to breakfast or spending the afternoon with you – you’re a booty call and/or friend with benefits.

He Avoids Eye Contact Or Sits Slightly Turned Away From You: He’s distancing himself from you because he has no real intention of ever “letting you in” or becoming emotionally intimate with you. But that doesn’t mean he won’t have sex with you.

He Just Wants To Be Friends: Translation – he doesn’t want a relationship - with you.

He Doesn’t Remember Important Things: If he forgets your birthday or a date you’ve made previously, it’s because you’re not important to him. However ladies, don’t expect him to remember the day you met, or the date of your first date, etc. We’re talking important events here.

You’ve Never Met His Friends Or Family: If it’s been 6 months and still nothing, he’s not going to make you a part of his life.

He Only Calls Late At Night Or When He’s Drunk: He’s looking for a “situation” not a relationship.

He’s All Over You In Private, But Acts Like He’s Your Buddy In Public: You’re a friend with benefits.

He Closes His Internet Browser When You Enter The Room: We all know why this happens.

He Openly Admits He Hates Things You Love: He could care less about the things you care about. Basically, this signals he doesn’t care about YOU.

He Chooses Time With Friends Over Time With You: You’re providing a nice distraction for him when there’s nothing better to do but he’ll never make you first on the list.

He Makes Promises He Doesn’t Keep: Because you’re not that important to him and he doesn’t care enough about you to be worried if you’ll leave when he breaks them.

He Doesn’t Defend Your Honor: He has no respect for you and doesn’t feel he’s responsible for protecting you.

He Laughs At You, Not With You: He doesn’t care if he hurts your feelings and probably never will.

He Makes No Future Plans With You: That’s because when he peers into the future, he doesn’t see you there, standing beside him.

He Shows No Interest In Things or People You Love: He simply does not care about the things that are important to you or what makes you tick.

You Constantly Wonder, Is He Into Me? This is a sure fire way to know . . . that he’s not. Listen to your gut, Ladies.

It's Only Common Sense

This isn't rocket science, it's common sense. Notice what all of the things above indicate? They all generally point to his lack of interest, his lack of care and they’re an indication that there’s no future.

Logic tells us this. Don’t use your emotions to try to read anything else into it. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck – it’s a duck, Ladies.

Quack, quack, quack.

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The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 5, 1:57 PM,
"He said we should be friends for now...he is not ready to settle down now"

If that's what he told you, then that's exactly what he means. A man WILL still sleep with you, whether they want a relationship or not...but then they'll pull back and disappear afterwards because they don't want a relationship. So if a man tells you he doesn't want a relationship, then that's exactly what he means and sex won't change that.

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror of Aphrodite :-)

What an amazing site with amazing articles! I'm so glad I found it!

Could I possibly ask your opinion on a situation I find myself in? I met a man about 3months ago, he was on holiday in my city and we had a wonderful time together exploring the scenery etc. etc. It was all very romantic. After about 4weeks he went back to his city and a few weeks after that I went to visit him for two weeks, but I'm back in my own city now... Trying to keep this short, but he told me how he would love to move to my city after he sorted out his business things, he says that I am his girlfriend, we chat regularly sometimes I initiate, sometimes he does, he introduced me to all his friends while I was there and I am now also connected with them and his Mother on social networks and so on. And yes we have already exchanged the 'L' word...

Now the thing is, I've added him to my 'close friends' list on facebook, which I do with all my close friends (please understand that I do not have stalker tendencies and am very content with myself, and happy), unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) one can see some of the things/posts that your close friends 'like', and I could'nt help but notice that he has became friends with this one girl on there about two months ago and has been regularly 'liking' her posts and photos of her, and after I left his city about two weeks ago, he has'nt been liking any of my posts anymore. He also invited another women to go out with him a day after I left to go back to my city (whom he has been trying to get with for quite some time, and he does'nt know that I know her).

I am so not the jealous type, and it irritates me that this is slightly bothering me, do you think its just the fact that I miss him, with this distance and all between us, that makes me a bit more sensitive, or could it be that he is either trying to play games with me or perhaps a 'Player'?

Looking forward to reading you thoughts on this :-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 6, 4:52 AM,
"do you think its just the fact that I miss him, with this distance and all between us, that makes me a bit more sensitive, or could it be that he is either trying to play games with me or perhaps a 'Player'?"

I think your gut is attempting to speak to you dear. It's a primal built-in survival mechanism that sounds of "warnings" for us. Trouble is, after the first 3 seconds of a gut impulse, the human brain has a tendency to dismiss the information it's receiving and instead...looks for so-called "logical" reasons to simply rationalize those warnings away.

And I think that's what your mind is doing here dear. You're receiving "warnings" and your logical mind is now sourcing for "rational" explanations for these warnings you're receiving because...you don't have proof. And because you don't have solid proof, your mind is now seeking validation elsewhere, because it can't get that validation in the form of "proof" from your gut impulses.

Did you know that the human gut has more nerve connections running through it than the human brain?

It does, and scientists are now lending much more credence to that old saying, "Listen to your gut" as a result. Those nerves are firing off warnings but because you have no proof, your mind is seeking to rationalize those warnings away by receiving validation elsewhere.

Here's the thing dear - and I tell women this all the time - when a man makes you doubt yourself, question yourself, causes you anxiety, causes you grief, causes you sadness and basically sends you into a negative state of being.....get the hell away from him dear :-(

You don't need "proof" - you don't need to provide "excuses" - you simply need to focus on being with a man that brings out the BEST in YOU...not one that brings out the worst. If this man is no longer creating positive emotions within you, then it may be time to leave dear. You don't need to provide a reason for leaving other than the fact that you're not happy, you don't like the way you're feeling - and you need to step away to gain clarity and balance again. That's reason enough.

And if he feels strongly otherwise, he'll let you know. If he calls you crazy or paranoid, who cares. What he thinks of you doesn't matter - but what YOU think of YOURSELF does. And when you find yourself questioning yourself, doubting yourself and making yourself miserable all because of a man....it's time to step away dear :-(

Your happiness is what's important here - not a man, ya' know?

Anonymous said...

I love your advice and read your articles all of the time. I really appreciate that you take time to reach out to those who post questions here for you.

I finally hit my own dating dilemma that I would really appreciate some honest insights on this as I really respect the advice you have given others.

The question:
Dating progression, how long do we wait until we walk away? I know every man you date is not a guaranteed to be a future boyfriend or husband, but it is also sometimes hard to come to terms with the reality that despite our hopes and dreams for the particular man we might have to remove the blinders and let go.

I have read some articles that say a man knows if he wants to commit and he will do it fast 6-8 weeks tops. Others have even went as far to say that that men are hard wired to know you are the one within a month and if they don’t feel it, they never will. You will just be used to pass the time.

I am approaching the eight week mark with this man soon. I have read your articles and am a proponent of sitting back and letting the man do most of the work, which this man has done for the most part?

The positive:
There is effort on his end. He takes me out, and only takes me to places that I enjoy. If I show any sign that I might not be up for a certain thing he changes it to please me. He wants me to be comfortable always. He does call just to chat from time to time, he is respectful and does not apply too much pressure. He always comes to my neighborhood and does not make me travel to see him. He stares into my eyes when he talks to me, and always compliments me (not in the I just want to sleep with you so I’m going to tell you how hot you are right now way). We had our first sleep over recently (have not slept with him yet, but done other things), and He also makes it a point to ask me out almost every week.

Now clearly this man is interested in me for something, but I don’t know if it’s to pass the time for now and I know that he will be expecting sex soon if we carry on this way. There are negatives and I don’t know if I am just over analyzing or if at this point, or if I should just accept that there is no prospect that he will ever move into boyfriend territory with me.

The Negative:
We have never had a Saturday date. Most of our dates are weeknights, with the exception of two Fridays one of which I asked for (only date I ever asked for seven weeks in to try to gauge where I stand). We are only seeing each other once a week, again with the exception of the one Friday I asked for recently. We usually chat every other day, but there can be a two or three day gap here and there, I feel like communication should become more frequent? The few times I initiated conversation, he always responds quickly, but I feel like there is one or two exchanges and I am left hanging in the breeze, although he does this when he imitates too, but it is much more likely to happen if I do. He talks about his friends, mostly the one we accidentally bumped to in the street “the friend I met” but I am not being invited to meet any of them. He still signs onto his online dating account and I don’t know if he is actually dating others but assume that he is. (I am still active online as well, I will continue to keep my options open until I no longer need to).

I know questioning where you stand is generally a bad sign, but I also know that I have a tendency to focus on the negative and expect the worst at times. It’s hard to see the light when you are in the eye of the storm. So my concern is that I am left hanging in casual dating limbo with this man, or am I expecting too much too soon? Is there a time frame us ladies should be aware of and know that we need to walk away? We are supposed to sit back and play it cool, but are there scenarios where it makes sense to just ask if we are on the same page, or should we just know?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 9, 3:20 PM,
"Dating progression, how long do we wait until we walk away?"

Everyone has their own personal limits. However - I say the sooner the better - or at the very least, as soon as the man starts to display a pattern or habit that repeats itself. "Fool me once shame on you - fool me twice, shame on me (for letting it happen again)."

Because the reality is that if you don't develop a "zero tolerance" policy for this and stick to it, the more you see the man, the more you speak to him, the more you spend time with him - the more emotionally attached you become to him. And the more those emotions begin to override common sense - and you eventually start making excuses for him.

"I feel like communication should become more frequent?"

Yes, women do tend to want that sooner than men and yes, men do know early on if a woman is "a keeper." However, in the online dating world, as you can see, even good men get caught up in the "so many women, so little time" kid in a candy store effect. So online, that develops a bit more slowly I feel.

However, this entire time, you should have ALSO been dating others as well (because you're right, he probably is). And if you do that, you protect yourself from getting "stuck" on dwelling on one guy. You keep moving forward when there are no commitments in place - you don't stop simply because of a few great dates, especially when dating online.

So while you'd like things to progress, you can't force that to happen. You have two options here. 1) Decide this isn't going anywhere and walk away. Or 2) Hang in there and continue to casually date this man (and NOT have sex with him) while dating other men there casually as well. If/when he pushes for sex, you simply explain that you'd love to, however, you don't do that until there's a commitment in place and you know where you stand. If he balks at that and walks...let him go. (Because he'll probably return with his tail between his legs eventually anyway, once he plows through all of his other online options and they fall flat, LOL ;-)

Even when you walk away from these men dear, very rarely are they gone forever ;-) So don't fear doing that.

"Is there a time frame us ladies should be aware of and know that we need to walk away?"

I'd say that you set that for yourself dear, based on your own limits, keeping patterns and habits in mind. Considering the fact that this man hasn't made any wrong moves, I believe it's safe to carry on casually dating him. But DON'T sleep with him. If you do that, you're going to be hooked and you're going to expect more immediately afterwards, which may or may not happen. So keep that in mind and don't sell yourself short here by giving in to some guy pressuring you.

In otherwords, don't be a people pleaser here...instead, worry about pleasing yourself by finding a man that's willing to make you happy while moving close to your pace without pressuring and acting like a baby when he doesn't get his way - and walk when you don't find that.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"We are supposed to sit back and play it cool, but are there scenarios where it makes sense to just ask if we are on the same page, or should we just know?"

I believe a woman knows instinctually - based on the man's ACTIONS - not his flowery WORDS or empty promises, which is what that talks usually result in - either the man running, or him manipulating a woman and stringing her along by simply telling her what he thinks she wants to hear....which is why those talks are generally useless to women. You can't believe what you're being told these days anyway, ya' know?

Here's my philosophy on this when a man is treating you right, which it sounds like this guy is. When he's treating you right, you keep moving forward with him. When he's treating you wrong, you pull back away from him and place distance there. And then you set your limit - 3 months, 4, 5, 6...whatever time frame YOU feel comfortable giving to a man that's treating you right.

So first, pick your limit - say, give this another two months. That'll be 4 combined. Don't sleep with him, holding out on him will tell you if he likes you or if he's gunning for a sexual conquest. If he likes you, he'll be willing to move at your pace. If he's gunning for sex, he'll become frustrated fast about not getting it, he'll turn on you and he'll act cocky and ignorant about not getting his way, like a child. So holding out can tell you LOADS about a man's intentions.

And then once you're at the four month mark, if he hasn't discussed exclusivity - then you don't TALK about that and you don't "wait" on him to decide about you. Instead, YOU make a move - away from him. You explain that you're enjoying the time spent, you think he's a great guy, you're elated with how he treats you and you thank him for that...but you also explain that you're seeking a serious relationship and that you feel that because he hasn't asked for exclusivity and he's still on the dating site, that you're going to free him up to move on (make it like you're doing HIM a favor here ;-)

And then you walk. Give him a couple weeks to let that germinate, to let him miss spending time with you...and most importantly - to let him see if he "feels" something for you in your absence.

Because unlike women, who "feel" during times of togetherness....men "feel" during times of absence, which is why they like space and freedom. The space and freedom permit them to "feel" things, to feel their own emotions. And when a few weeks or a month goes by and his online efforts are all falling flat, he'll think back on you and how you enjoyed time with him and he with you....and he'll be back dear. Only this time, he'll be back READY to commit if he's "felt" something for you while you were away.

I've seen this in action - online. I've seen a man date a woman, then dump her immediately to fly out West to bring some whack-a-do woman back to his state (she was a heavy drinker). After 3 months with her, he dumped her. He circled around to women he'd previously dated on the site again a second time, and I think he was secretly narrowing down his options by doing so.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

He plowed through all his other options and each fell flat. This was over the course of a year believe it or not. Then he circled around a THIRD time to a woman who was one of the first ones he met online, the woman he dumped for the drinker. Miraculously, she took him back LOL....and he married her six months later.

Now there are issues there, believe me, and I'm not quite convinced that marriage will see these two growing old together. But I'm sharing this story to give you an idea of how dating truly is...the REALITY of dating. More often than not dear, it's a very complex process because humans and human emotions are equally complex and it takes people time to figure out what they're feeling. And walking away and reuniting are sometimes, many times, part of that process. If each learns lessons from their mistakes during the "walk away" times apart and comes back a better person for it, then the chances of success increase. If they don't, then there's a repeat suffered.

So while in this case, taking back a man who dumped her for a less worthy woman worked out for this woman (I wouldn't do that but she chose to and it's her life) - I imagine that's only because lessons were learned and the man made amends, ya' know? He has a history of cheating after he becomes disillusioned with the relationship he's in, so only time will tell the tale here as I stated earlier, there are issues existing that may rear their ugly head someday.

But for now, this is what worked for those two and each seems happy enough currently. Sometimes the road to our destiny is a zig-zagged path more than a straight line, and life is always throwing curve balls. But if people learn lessons along the way that make them better people in the end....then the journey can be worth it dear :-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the advice and he was a good guy for the most part. I can't really complain. He is one of the better ones I have dated, which I why I wanted this to work. Though I'm not sure that he is into me as you make it seem in your response. Other than a two sentence text a couple hours after he slept over, and me responding to be left hanging in the breeze, I have not heard from this man. That was two days ago. I'm letting the silence exist, but I am not sure this should be happening. You say lack of communication is common for online dating, but how is this normal behavior for a man who is supposed to be interested?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 11, 1:32 AM,
He may or may not be interested dear - and remaining silent can help you to determine whether or not he is.

"how is this normal behavior for a man who is supposed to be interested?"

In the early stages of dating, prior to established commitments, yes, it can be very normal - because you're not in a relationship - and when casually dating, you can't expect relationship treatment. Speaking everyday is something that couples who've established a commitment participate in generally. Those who are not in committed relationships...will not communicate as such. Hence, the term "casual" dating.

The definition of "casual" is:

"Relaxed and unconcerned...not regular or permanent...a person who does something irregularly"

So when casually dating (not in an established relationship), you can expect casual behavior as normal. You can't expect relationship type treatment (i.e. speaking daily) until a relationship and commitment have been established ya' know?

Anonymous said...

Ok this was helpful. I will just keep my distance and see what happens. Everyone I know tells me if he is not talking to me regularly by now, he is not interested in me, in that way. You are the only person who sees another possible angle on this, and I appreciate that.

You are also right, only time will tell. As much as I am fighting the urge to send a message I will keep myself busy because I can never know his level of interest if I go to him.

Anonymous said...

Hey Mirror,

So, of course I'm here because I have a little bit of a guy problem that I'm wondering if you can help me fix.

So last weekend I asked him to meet me for coffee (yeah, probably a mistake, I know that now, though this was my first time ever having initiated meeting up, he's initiated everything else). He said yes, he dictated the time and place, and he paid. We hung out later at his house, everything went well, and at the end he asked if I wanted to hang out after I had finished these tests I had, that I had told him about. I said yes and he promised to text me. After my tests, I get a text from him asking how they went. I responded, but he still hasn't responded to my text and its been over 24 hours. Now I'm not too worried about this, but if he texts me, say, late at night (kind of like a booty call text, though we are not sexually involved, it's just making out) anytime this weekend, instead of asking me on a proper date, I just want to know how I should deal with such a text(because I'm not going to take him up on it) while still keeping him interested enough to ask me on a proper date maybe sometime in the future.

Of course there's way more to our relationship then I'm telling you (I've known him for about 2 months now and he's been a little flaky with texts before) and I may be jumping to conclusions about his future actions, but I just want to know how you think I should fix my initiating hanging out with him (if I can) and how I should handle any potential "booty calls". Like should I respond to a booty call text days later, the next day, not at all?

Anonymous said...

I wrote to you on March 9th asking how long we should give a guy.

I believe that your articles and advice have helped me to seek out men that are better quality than the ones I have dated in the past. My guy was good quality. He did almost everything that a man should, and it saddens me to write this update to report that he just wasn’t that into me.

It took five days to hear from him again after I last wrote to you. He popped up with your typical “hey stranger” text message. I responded….”stranger, why did it take you five days to text me.” I also told him that I didn’t appreciate that it took him so long to respond. (I felt left hanging after our last text). He apologized, and he texted me almost daily after that.

However, I sensed his texts were just to keep me happy and around as an option. We really just shot the breeze, and often he would leave me hanging in mid conversation (that he started) not to respond until hours later or the next day. Usually with a lame excuse about suddenly going out, or falling asleep mid-texting. I didn’t call him out on this, that one time after five days was enough, so I just sat back and observed.

We had no upcoming plans, this man wasn’t making any attempt to see me, and he seemed to be more interested in talking about what he was up to than what was going on with me. I suspect that he would only show some interest in my life out of politeness. I really liked him a lot, and I really wanted this to work, but I thought back on this article, and I decided that he wasn’t making me feel happy anymore. Actually he was making me feel pretty bad, even though he was a nice guy. I didn’t like to be left hanging, and I didn’t like constantly guessing. I didn’t like feeling up and then down over this man.

I never did get to see him again after I last wrote to you. Perhaps if I had held out longer and shot the breeze with him for another week, accepted being left out to dry in mid conversation a couple more times…then we might have met up again. Then I would have liked him more, messed around some more (would not have slept with him, I agree with you on that), and would have become even more attached.

No, I looked back on this article and the advice you had given me, and I accepted my situation for what it was. He isn’t into me in that way….

While I don’t believe that serious conversations should be had over text message, I felt angry that once again I was telling him about my day (after he asked), to get zero response. I didn’t want to wait weeks to meet and talk about it, or for the day when he would finally call again, so two hours after I was left to hang I empowered myself to say enough is enough. I wrote him one last text message…..

“I’m happy to hear that you had a good night. I have had tons of fun with you, and getting to know you. I really appreciate how you treated me when we went out, but I don’t get the point of these text sessions where I’m left hanging in the breeze. I’m looking for something with long term potential, and this does not seem to be that. So I’m going to free you up so that you can move on.”

The next morning he responded thanking me for my honesty and wished me luck. I hoped he would tell me I was wrong, but honestly I got the response that I had expected, because I already knew the answer.

Anonymous said...

So what is the point of this follow up?

I want to enlighten other women who might be in the same situation I was in, with a Mr. Quality casual. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in wanting things to work that it is hard for us to come out of the denial zone. Even if they are a gentleman, they can still be around for the wrong reasons.

Yes, I’m feeling sad right now, but now I have made myself available for someone who wants to be with me long term. It’s ok to tell people what we want, and what we don’t want. Doing so doesn’t make us desperate or needy. Actually it is quite the opposite, because we are only accepting the treatment and terms that we want for ourselves.

Ms. Aphrodite, thank you once again for empowering us to find quality men, and for empowering us to walk away from those men who are not serious or worthy of us.

So I have walked away. Will I hear from him again? I don’t think so, but I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t say that I hope that I will. At the very least it feels liberating to finally know where I stand.

And Ms. Aphrodite I know you will probably hear from me again when the next man stumbles into my life. Although, hopefully next time that one will be there to stay.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 19, 12:10 PM,
Good for you dear!

Now I realize you're sad and may be thinking, "What? I'm sad here and this sucks, so how is this good for me?" Well, it is - even if you don't realize it yet. And here's how it's good:

1) You've gotten comfortable setting clear boundaries in how you expect to be treated by men.
2) You're not afraid to walk away.
3) You have the strength to do what's best for YOU, instead of worrying about someone else (a man) more and what he thinks about you.
4) You've learned how to filter.
5) You've learned how to not waste your time on men that aren't going to move into a relationship, which is what you want.
6) You've shown that you're an independent woman (instead of a co-dependent one.)
7) You've earned this guys respect.

And that last one might come as a surprise to you, but believe me when I tell you - he respects you now, more than you might realize. And if he circles back around to you in a month or two - don't be surprised by that, LOL.

You did the right thing for yourself here dear because the reality is that this guy could've continued to string you along for MONTHS like this, had you let him. At which point, walking away would've then been MUCH more difficult because by then, an emotional attachment much stronger would've formed and been more difficult to break.

I know this hurts and it's sad dear....but this is will probably prove to not only be a very valuable life lesson, but also a very valuable tool for you to resort to in the future when need be as well.

You're now armed, ready and primed to do what you need to do - to take care of YOURSELF in the best way possible. And that's priceless dear :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi. I had a challenging question/ situation to ask about because I'd like to see your views on this. I'm going to guess that the men you are covering in this article boarder on the "typical" sense? I am having a problem with a guy right now, but he is not typical. Which makes the whole situation so much harder for me. All the things you list I should do for bad behavior, I do. When dealing with a normal guy. I started to like this guy before I found out he has a serious social behavior problem. Even displaying signs that he has apsergers syndrome. This is where the problems come in. The lack of responding back. The not hearing from him for a week or more, are all habits men who suffer from that disorder do. Not because they don't care, but because they aren't aware of social normality. On top of this, he has a lot of anxiety with woman. Which usually causes him to shy away when he isn't sure how he should act. He has always told me he feels wrong to pry information out of woman, and prefers to allow them to come talk to him and tell him stuff about their life when they want to. He doesn't quite understand when it's the wrong time to make a joke, or bring up a subject that is inappropriate. He doesn't quite get the concept of personal time. I have had to scold him more then once because we will make plans, but something will come up and he will be late or not show up and doesn't bother to let me know. He's not trying to be rude.. he just doesn't quite understand. Since I have pointed it out and told him why, he has gotten better and learnt from this mistake. My issue is.. this is becoming so tiring. He barely has friends, and never really had a real girlfriend because of this. As much as I hate being the one who always makes contact first, or tries to hangout first due to his social shyness, I feel like if I don't do these things..he will think I no longer care about him. He will write me off as another girl who he can't connect with and get down on himself. I don't want that, but at the same time.. his lack of attentiveness hurts my feelings. There has been days, weeks, even months where I've been so fed up I DO stop talking to him. I do have self worth, and I do feel that he should be forced to take the drivers wheel sometimes. In my mind I feel that if he really wants my company he will come and seek it. It's knowing of his social shyness that cause him to be to scared to nervous to seek it, that keeps me going. So many people give up on him, and I don't want to be another one.. but it's hard. Right now I am in the disappearing stage. I was upset about sex non related issue, and he thought the best way to cheer me up was to talk about how hot I was..and comment on parts of my body he liked. At the time I wasn't that bothered by this... as I know he is really THAT clueless about what to do when a girls upset. But as I look back on the whole thing.. I feel pretty disrespected. That he saw me as an object more then a person. It's a bit to late to yell at him about it now. And since then he has made no effort to talk to me. We were supposed to hangout over the weekend, but he said he was ill and he'd talk to me the following day. Which he never did...and still hasn't done. My gut tells me red flag..and to cut off contact... but again...that nagging in my head reminds me he doesn't know any better. It's so complicated that I do feel like screaming sometimes. I need to be happy, but I'm also to kind to drop someone because they are ill. Thus I'm stuck. The best I can do is to try and correct his behavior. It's just... really hard sometimes.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 28, 9:14 AM,
"displaying signs that he has apsergers syndrome. . .The lack of responding back. The not hearing from him for a week or more, are all habits men who suffer from that disorder"

Has he been formally diagnosed or are you speculating? Because those are also how half interested men behave and also how men who are "casually" dating you will behave as well, so you can't assume he has aspergers unless he's been formally diagnosed.

"something will come up and he will be late or not show up and doesn't bother to let me know. He's not trying to be rude.. he just doesn't quite understand."

How do you know this, that he's not trying to be rude? How do you know that he isn't just selfish (because those men don't realize they're being rude either, they're not thinking about the other person, they're only thinking about themselves - but they're still rude). And how do you know that he's not being rude and simply lying about it and back tracking on that later when confronted about it?

"knowing of his social shyness that cause him to be to scared to nervous to seek it"

How do you know that he's not just using that as an excuse for being rude? How do you know that he's simply not manipulating things to his advantage when confronted by playing the "poor me" card instead (to emotionally manipulate you into staying)?

"that nagging in my head reminds me he doesn't know any better"

Again, how do you know this to be fact? Is there a formal diagnosis here? Does he see a therapist? Is he under a doctor's supervision? If he's not, then you cannot assume there's a clinical reason here. Sociopaths behave like this, folks with narcissistic personality disorder behave like this, players behave like this, selfish people behave like this...so without a clinical diagnosis, you have to also consider that this man's a selfish player who uses the "poor me" card to emotionally manipulate women into staying and putting up with his ignorance.

"I need to be happy, but I'm also to kind to drop someone because they are ill"

It's not about dropping someone because they're ill - a psychopath is ill too, but does that mean you stay with them and be unhappy? Does that mean you set your life and your future aside to make a man a lifelong "project" that needs fixing? YOUR happiness is what's important. And if he's not making you happy, you have to accept that he'll never be capable of doing that and you have to break free and move on to find your own happiness. You don't sacrifice and set your life, your future and your happiness aside for someone else unless they're your child, your parents or your siblings that are in some form of need.

"The best I can do is to try and correct his behavior."

That's not true. The best you can do is accept that he's not capable of making you happy, and move on. Do you want to be someone's lover or mother? Because mothering this man and scolding him and yelling at him and correcting him....probably isn't making him "hot" for you anyways ya' know? If that's the case, he'll love you like a mother - and not a lover :-(


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"It's just... really hard sometimes."

You're making it harder than it really is dear by placing this man's happiness as being more important than yours and by placing this man's well-being ahead of yours. When you place a higher value on someone else's happiness instead of your own....yea...you feel disappointed - because you're in second place, always sacrificing.

But you have to ask yourself....who chose to make that sacrifice? Who chose to sacrifice their own happiness for someone else's instead? The answer there dear is - you. You're making the choice to remain, you're making the choice to accept this treatment, you're making the choice to place more importance on this man than on yourself, you're making the choice to let some possible clinical situation someone else has to affect your life and your future and your happiness - and you're the only one that can change that dear, because these are all choice that you're making ya' know?

This man isn't your husband, he's not your child, he's not your brother and he's not your father. So why the complete and utter commitment to him? So much so that you're willing to sacrifice your happiness for him? Why such devotion to a man that isn't devoting himself back? Why such devotion to a man that isn't your child, father or brother? Those all are things you have to think about dear. You have to ask yourself why you're placing a higher value on this man than your placing on yourself.

Anonymous said...

Anon from above. To answer some questions. He does go see a therapist about his anxiety problems. How I know about his clueless behavior is because close friends of his, who are also close friends of mine, who know him very well, tell me about it. He does the same things to them too. Making plans then flaking out. Not calling. He forgot to go to a great friends wedding because he completely forgot. In my head I think "How can you forget that?" If you have a bad memory, you make an effort to remind yourself. If it's important, you don't forget about it. In that way, I agree.. He is selfish. Because he doesn't realize how his actions effect others. I see him do the same things to me, to even his male friends. He doesn't just treat me this way. It's....everyone. but I know he is socially awkward. I've been there when he's had a panic attack about it. I know he goes to therapy for it.

Right now, though I do have feelings. We are just friends. I don't make him my whole world, but he is someone I would like to help get better. Yeah that's my choice. But I wanted to bring up the subject of socially awkward men who can and do suffer from very mental disorders. They do a lot of the things above, but don't realize it's wrong. It doesn't mean he's going to be a psychopath, it could just mean he needs help. Cause not all men are cut from the same mold. I wanted to bring the situation up as a possible for you to think about. Cause apsergers is real. And for people who love someone who has it, it's very hard sometimes.

As far as my guy right now. He is still in the dog house. I have cut all contact. Even though I know he has is issues, that doesn't give him the excuse to disrespect me as a woman and friend. I stick around when I see he tries and makes an effort. I let him know I care once in a blue moon because I've seen him get depressed cause he has not many friends and feels lonely. No I don't think it's an act to get my sympathy. He really can become upset. You are right though. In the end. This is my choice..and if I'm stressed or unhappy, I have no one to fault but myself. I chose to strict it out and try and be a loyal friend. But that choice is changing as time goes on and I'm seeing a change in him towards me. For now.. not talking to him. If he wants me..He knows where to find me. And I won't respond quickly either.

Thank you for reading and responding back. Though I don't agree with all your views on men vs woman in today's world, a lot of your points are very helpful because they do still apply to what woman go through. We are forgiving by nature and it's hard to let that go. We never want to see the bad in anyone and it's hard to believe anyone could be so heartless and rude to someone else like guys can be to girls. It's a tough pill to swallow for woman cause many of us don't understand it. But that's emotions. Not logic. As you said. This is still very helpful and I'm glad I found it.

Anonymous said...

Hello. Same Anon as right above. My feelings today have drastically changed with my situation. Though before I was annoyed by his behavior , today I am furious. To make a long story short. We are just friends, but we do flirt from time to time. I don't mind that as long as he still shows proper respect as my friend. Well last week we started flirting, only this time he was being more bolder with it. And asking me to do the same. I was shy at first, but after a couple days, he made me feel more comfortable with being bolder. I finally gave in due to the heat of the moment... and like a typical man, it took him no time to play the distance card the second he got what he was asking for. We had plans to hangout.. But when I texted to confirm (wrong now. I know. I didn't then) he said he wasn't feeling well and hopefully we could make it up the next day. You can see where this is going. Haven't heard from him in a week. Sadly, I can still see him on Facebook, and today noticed he has been getting a bit closer to this girl I know he has a crush on. Since we are only friends, there is nothing wrong with that. However.. the fact that he was heavily flirting with me the week before means his lack of communication is not acceptable.

Even if he has social anxiety issues. This behavior is not acceptable. Just because he knows I have feelings for him, does not give him the right to take advantage of them. If my only point in his life is to be his last resort when he's feeling lonely and wants female company.. Then I'm not going to allow that.

I have cut all contact, but this is my question. The day of the flirting, and a couple days after it, I wasn't really that mad. At first. The anger came when I saw his lack of effort the following days after that. The postponing of plans he knew I wanted to do, then not hearing from him for a week now about those plans. So, am I in the right to be mad about this even though a couple days before I was not upset and he saw that I wasn't? Even though we are just friends, I feel like the flirts mean he at least should be a bit more attentive then he would to just a normal friend. Am I wrong to think that way? To him, right now.. he is probably completely unaware that I'm even mad. Is my anger justified? Or am I over reacting?

After reading this page, I see exactly where I made mistakes. But just because I was clueless before, does not mean I'm clueless now. As much as it hurts me, I am cutting all contact. I have for a week now and will keep doing it. Is it ok to do this to someone who is completely unaware of your anger and thinks everything is fine?

I guess ill find out how important my friendship really is to him. If he never reaches out. Guess that means he was really just using me and not worth my time anyway.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 29, 11:04 PM,
"am I in the right to be mad about this even though a couple days before I was not upset and he saw that I wasn't?"

Yes dear, when someone takes you for granted - it's okay to be mad about it. You should've been mad about it all along dear :-(

"Is it ok to do this to someone who is completely unaware of your anger and thinks everything is fine?"

The fact that they are unaware isn't what's important - it's not about THEM. It's about YOU. When someone treats YOU poorly...you SHOULD be mad. If you don't get mad and instead, you show compassion or make excuses for them or try to be understanding with them constantly...all you end up getting dear - is more poor treatment - because it signals to them that you're going to tolerate it :-(

If you don't set the boundaries and expectations for how you expect to be treated - no one else is going to do that for you, ya' know? It's up to you to look out for yourself, because no one else is going to do that.

Anonymous said...

Hi Aphrodite-

I started seeing a new guy very recently. We are both planning on moving to different states in the fall. I have a feeling that he is on the fence about me (whether I'm just a booty call or more) and of course, I'd like both the attraction and his feelings to build. Given the built in expiration date, I would also be okay with a short-term relationship as long as his actions and communication show that he respects me as a woman and as a person.

Here's the play-by-play: I met him a few weeks ago at a friend's birthday party. I know and respect his brother, and this guy and I had an extremely strong attraction. It got physical fast! We started making out that night, and I hadn't felt such fireworks in a long time. I let him come home with me. We were safe, and I assumed it was a one-time thing, given how quickly we got physical. He left the next morning, but said he really wanted to see me again and got my number. One week went by without contact, then he texted me. I waited several hours to respond. We texted back and forth, over the next few days. Each time, he initiated communication, but waited several hours to respond to my replies. He asked to see me again, and I set a date for five days later. We set an afternoon date. He took me out, and we talked into the evening about our families, hopes, dreams, lives and experiences. . . aaaand, it moved to the bedroom again. This time, I had to wake up the next morning at 5:00, so he left late that night. Honestly, it was the practical thing to do, but left me feeling vulnerable and frankly, disrespected. Over the next two weeks, he went out of town and then I went out of town. During that period, he texted me every several days, just sharing a few things from his week and asking me questions about my week. Each time, I waited a few hours to text him back, and he waited a few hours longer (like, half a day) to text me back. He hasn't yet set our next date, but I'm not clearing my calendar for him -- I've scheduled social plans for the weekend.

It's very early in our "dating" and I am still excited about him, even though many signs are pointing to booty call land. Given how things started, do you think there's a possibility for it to develop into more? And if so, how do I best create the space for his feelings to develop and protect my heart? I've been good about letting him take the lead with communication and plans, but am I making myself too available? And, can a woman have a casual relationship with a man but train him to "treat her well" in the process?

I love your site. Keep up the great work!

Anonymous said...


Thank you so much for the response. You have no idea how helpful finding this site has become. I wish I had found it sooner so that way I wouldn't have acted poorly before. Then he wouldn't have taken me for granted so much. Whenever I feel myself getting a little weak, I come here and read your articles plus the comments.. and It renews my energy to stay away and not contact him. I try and keep myself busy else where. To think positivity.

My close friend is having guy troubles as well. He is also treating her very badly.. so I lead her here.. and I hope your articles help her out as much as they have helped me and so many others. Really. Thank you!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 1, 3:10 AM,
"Given how things started, do you think there's a possibility for it to develop into more?"

I suppose the possibility is always there dear, but the reality is that it's an uphill battle - that's all too often lost :-(

The first few dates "set the tone" for a relationship. So if the tone that is set is "casual hookup" then that's the tone from then on generally speaking. Because relationships take a different path. They don't move as fast, they take lots of time to grow organically and develop, individuals get to know the other as people first rather than physically, etc. So it's like comparing apples and oranges in a sense (two entirely different things) and each have their own "path." Meaning, different approaches from the get-go.

For example, if you want to fly to say, Alaska...you take a plane that is going there. If you want to fly to India instead, you don't take the plane to Alaska, you get on a different flight, with a different path, to get to India. In otherwords, a flight to Alaska won't land in India, ya' know?

It's the same with relationships. A path to "hookup" territory very rarely if ever lands you in the land of "relationship." To get to "relationship" you have to take a different path. And if you start out on the path of "hookup" and somehow expect it to lead you to "relationship" - sure, I guess it can happen. But it will be an extremely convoluted path, over many mountains and hills and valleys and waterways - up and down, up and down, sliding backwards, jumping forward....get what I'm saying? It's a TON of work to get to the land of "relationship" (if you ever even get there) when you've jumped on the flight to Alaska instead.

"how do I best create the space for his feelings to develop and protect my heart?"

I don't think you have to, it appears he's creating plenty of space already, ya' know?

"can a woman have a casual relationship with a man but train him to "treat her well" in the process?"

Train a man? No. They're not dogs, they're people. Could someone train you? I mean sure, you may adjust from time to time simply to please them, but would you become an entirely "new you" - leaving all that you are behind - due to someone else's "training?" Probably not. You'd most likely only become resentful of them for even attempting it.

And I think lots of the problem with women and casual sex and men devaluing them and/or being disrespectful in ways as a result simply has to do with old double standards. Unfortunately, they exist and they are still alive and kicking. It's okay for men to act like that, but a woman - still not quite as acceptable. And whether men realize it or not, once a woman "settles" - they adjust their treatment of her to fall in line with that, whether it's intentional or not. It goes back to that old concept of "if you don't value yourself, how can you expect someone else to value you" ya' know? People will treat you as good as you treat yourself. You set the standard for how you expect to be treated. It's a psychological thing that's part of human behavior and I think it operates 99% of the time without individuals even realizing it's happening unfortunately :-(

Chiko said...

This is a very nice guide :)
It's so true, a guy that sincerely wants you will always care and put in effort. That's why the guys are the hunters ... I can't agree more. As a woman, if you realize he's not that into you, be smart and don't waste your time. Your time is really precious !

I love this link that you have shared, reading it now :D

Anonymous said...

h it. He told me that he wanted us to be in a relationship and that he could see it going somewhere. The 3rd time we hung out he acted different a little distant we were around other people including a girl that everyone assumed liked each other I was thinking that but he told me he didn't want her and wanted me. Afterwards I wasn't hearing from him so I got concerned and texted him and wanted to know where we stand bc he went from being so into me to acting like he didn't care, I think i just made a mistake by getting too emotional and told him that I really cared for him and wanted a relationship with him but told him also that I was willing to move on if I needed to. He finally got to me and said that he has been thinking that he can see us together for a while but not forever and said that he was sorry and that I needed someone better than him. I asked him what he was hiding from me? he didn't respond and I found out through friends and his own family to stAy away bc he was a heroin addict. So I did. A week later he came to me on fb telling me how he was so sorry and that he didn't mean to hurt me and that he just didn't know what to do and told me that he still had feelings for me but needs to help himself before he can love someone else.
I was being supportive but more distant too but he knew I still wanted him. When he didn't get back to me after I messaged him days later I flipped out and told him I was done, he told me then that he was sorry but fell asleep after he read my message. I ignored him and told him days later that I was sorry and shouldn't of flipped out and told him that I will back off and stay away until he gets better he told me then not to and to stick around and encourage him to get better and that he still wanted me and was afraid that some guy is gonna steal my heart away from him. I told him that I still.liked him and couldn't stop crying over him but that I couldn't be with him unless he gets cleaned up. I tried helping him but we didn't see each other it was only through fb I gave him advice and he was talking to me, I asked him if he just wanted to hang out and go play basketball he said he wanted to so we set up a day and he stood me up (probably was getting high) but he got a hold of me on fb saying that his phone broke and that he couldn't use it to get a hold of me. We talked about a few things and I asked if I could please hang out with him the next day and he was talking back but not answering my question. I told him how I was having problems with his cousin and that I wasnt probably gonna see him anymore but that we could still be friends, I basically friendzoned him after I said that and it hurt but I had enough, he was too much to handle...but after I messaged him that he never got back to me I guess he didn't like me saying that. He still apparently though likes to go around and tell people that he still talks to me that that were boyfriend/girlfriend and that were also sleeping together. I stopped talking to him for good I never chased him again nor has he tried either so why is he still doing this to me? I honestly didn't think he was that into me he just showed too many signs and I should of been stronger and demanded better. He stood me up so many times and would apologise but it was ignorant and selfish, I'm guessing he stood me up bc he preferred getting high. What do you think about all this. Between I am 22 and he is about to turn 20 so he is a little younger than me by 2 years. Did I do something wrong or was it just him? I keep blaming myself thinking I scared him off or wasn't good enough?

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for the advice on this post, I've been reading through all just to clarify a few things. I join online site and have set high standard and following advice have managed to spot the flakers and wasters.. I don't initiate conversations (and treat it like txt messages ... for the guys to lead)... I am aware that in the past I've been the pursuer and initiated and often replied to messages to quick! So with this in mind I've practised...Anyway a guy messaged me, originally not my type (physically) and with vague info I have pondered, then realised, I'm too picky and should give the guy a chance. After several conversations, he asked for a date, I followed the three day, he hadn't really mentioned where we were going etc. again I refused to intervene leaving it for him to organise, eventually he did...didn't hear from him for a couple of days until on the day of the date when he messaged to confirm we were meeting (I almost cancelled) but as it was before 2pm I went ahead...but with caution.
The date went well, I decided to be myself and gave him the chance to lead the date lasted longer than I expected we got on well and funnily enough ended up sharing a lot about each other and also got to hear about his plans (work, holidays etc). As the date ended he didn't make any comments about meeting up etc. so we left . I didn't initiate any contact following the date, a day or two later (can't remember) I received a message saying thank you, he enjoyed the date and would i like to meet up... I responded something a long the lines saying it would be lovely and left it to that...we spoke a bit online and later he gave me his number (I had originally given mine on the day of the first date so that he would txt me if he was running late) ...I sent a text (which I know defies the rules!) and we communicated, he remembered a lot of detail and was thoughtful about things we discussed...and he asked which days would suit i stuck to my three day rule again ...after that i didn't hear much at all on the day of the date I sent a txt checking if it was on, didn't receive a response for a couple of hours, he responded about work and finishing late I accepted the reason as I know the nature of the industry but logged this in my mind as red flag because he had ample time to tell me this...he asked me to give him days I could do, which I did, heard nothing until i received a message saying sorry he thought he had replied but the message hadn't gone through (this was sent late at night)... I didn't reply until later the following day with a response saying hopefully we'll meet then ... I logged this as a second flag...anyway we spoke for a bit via text. Next day came hadn't heard anything about date details, so sent a polite text 'how's your day' type to test the waters, we txts but he didn't mention anything...I concluded that the date was cancelled. Date night came no text, email, phone call.
I'm slightly angry with myself for not weeding through the process well enough (I've done so well with weeding out flakey guys!). I recognise that I haven't done anything wrong at all, I haven't pursued him, he has pursued me, I haven't responded with 'x' on my texts and definitely haven't given any signs of neediness. Could there be a possibility that he didn't feel I was interested in him?? Based on previous exchanges my housemate thinks he is a genuine guy... well in our exchanges he certainly has been... but observing what he says (asking for date) verses flaking out on one hmmmm ...I accept that we are not exclusive, I'm dating other people. I feel a bit sad ...any advice?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 24, 10:36 AM,
Unfortunately dear, this is the name of the game when online dating - and it's precisely the reason that I suggest women not invest all of their eggs into one man's basket when dating online. When you do that and something like this happens, which happens often, then you've got to start all over again. Whereas, if you're currently casually dating other men from the site as well, and one of them flakes out on you, you haven't skipped a beat in forward motion.

It happens dear and if I were you, I'd take it as a BIG red flag that this man's actions do NOT line up with his words. When men display behavior like this very early on, it gives you a glimpse into what dating them or being in a relationship with them would be like....it'd be frustrating and you'd be on a string, waiting on him as a convenience to him.

I seriously don't understand why folks who don't have the time to date....insist on wasting other people's time by dating them and expecting them to be on standby. Makes no sense. If this man's too busy to be dating, then he probably shouldn't date - he should probably focus on his career instead and save everyone involved the hassle and frustration.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 23, 4:32 PM,
"why is he still doing this to me?"

Because he's a drug addict dear. He's not in his right mind and he used to manipulating people - it's what drug addicts become adept at in order to create enablers around them that they then use to enable them perpetuate their addiction (via manipulation of them).

"Did I do something wrong or was it just him? I keep blaming myself thinking I scared him off or wasn't good enough?"

Again, he's a drug addict dear. Are you aware of just how deadly a heroin addiction is? I mean, on the grand scale of addiction dear, I'm not sure there's on that tops heroin. It's a very DANGEROUS world to live in and if I were you, I'd remove myself from him in any and every way possible because of that.

You have no clue if he's mainlining or not. And even if he snorts it or smokes it, it'll only be a matter of time before he, as heroin addicts like to call it, "graduates" into mainlining. And once they start mainlining (shooting, injecting), they begin to either share needles - or clean bloody needles in the same glass of water as the others using with them are.

When that happens, YOU are at SERIOUS risk. If you sleep with this man, he can not only expose you to HIV and/or a plethora of STDs (because these guys tend to get wrapped up with many prostitutes who are addicts that are willing to trade sexual favors for drugs and linger at the dealers homes to entice the buyers into "sharing" with them), he can also expose you to Hepatitis, which is a life long condition. (Just ask Pamela Anderson who contracted it from Tommy Lee of Motley Crue.)

Seriously dear, no joke here - STAY AWAY from this guy. Do not even entertain the idea of being with him.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for answering my question, I written so much more but could only fit in a little bit of it. I'm sorry I hope I didn't confuse you at anyway. And your right, I haven't heard from him since then, I was done and deleted him as a friend on fb since that was how we started talking. He acted like he was so into me from the beginning and even told my friends before we met that he really liked me and that I was so sweet and beautiful. That was when one of my friends warned me before I met him to watch out and that he possibly did drugs with some girl that he always hung with since she did heroin and he is always with her, people assumed that they were a couple but I don't think so, I don't doubt that they didn't sleep together but I think they are just "get high buddies"...after she warned me I confronted him through text and told him that if he was into that stuff that we could never be anything and he denied it like he did about everything else. Even through the very end he wouldn't tell me the truth the only thing he admitted was that he was a Perk addict. I was told by his friend that he was just using me as a trophy since I was out of his league since I get told all the time that I am "the sweetest person ever" and "innocent" and "really pretty" and a likeable person even though I have such low self esteem. And yeah I am glad that I got away when I did. I am still a virgin and he knew that. I do believe that sex was all he wanted or maybe me to even join him in the drug life. I blamed myself thinking I couldn't be enough for him but either way I know now that he just wasn't good for me because of the type of person he is. What do you think his intentions were with me? I'm sorry I'm just so glad to finally have someone who understands. Thank you so much!

Anonymous said...

I recently got back in contact with a guy friend after 12 years. Maybe 2 weeks after getting back into contact we had sex, we continued to be in contact & hanged out & had sex a 2nd time. Since then we have hanged out a couple times I tried to initiate sex but he made an excuse as to why we cudnt do it. A few days ago when hanging out I again initiated & he agreed but then he cud not perform. Akward! Since then he has been in contact & I invited him out but he jus ignored my texts. He says he is scared that he will hurt me if we were to get too serious..I do like this guy but feel that he is distancing himself..If I ignore him will he maybe become more interested?

Anonymous said...

Sorry I am anonymous but I just wanted to hurry and answer your question, he said that he is afraid that he will hurt you? Honey if a guy ever tells you "I'm afraid that I will hurt you" it usually means that he's going too sooner or later, I've had a guy tell me that before and I didn't listen and that's exactly what he did, he is having a little bit of fun with you whenever he wants it but is telling you that it won't last because he's going to walk away eventually which is what he means by saying that he might hurt you...he's saying that he's gonna walk out on you eventually and knows that you will be hurt over it. He won't hang out most of them time when you ask him to which shows that he isn't that interested. Find better, someone who will actually seem to give more of a Damon about that you want and not just make it all about what he wants. Us girls, we all been through guys like that. There's more guys out there, don't settle for so little. Find someone who will fulfill your needs. Walk out before he has the opportunity to do it to you, don't be his fool, make him the FOOl. You can do better.

Anonymous said...

It's been quite a long time since anybody has posted on here but I'm going to give it a shot.

I recently met a man and things were absolutely great. Instant chemistry. We talk on the phone for hours, get along great in person and have become strong support systems for one another. He seemed to worship me, constantly told me how special I am, how beautiful I am and how lucky and blessed he is to have me. He's referred to me as his lady as well.

On Saturday (today is Monday) we were making tentative plans to spend the day together. It was his idea. He told me he was going to take a shower and check on his aunt and uncles plans for the say and get back to me to finalize things. I never heard from him. At first I just assumed maybe something unforeseen came up that he got distracted by and had to tend up and I would hear from him in due time, I figured definitely by Sunday night. Well, it's Monday evening and I still have not heard from him and now I have become concerned that this is intentional. Just the night before this he was telling me how special he was and he was the one to propose plans, so I am puzzled to see how that could have changed in the course of a shower and if something did change, why he didn't tell me. I haven't texted him and figure if he wants to talk to me, he will, but I'm really disappointed and confused.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

When he returns (and he probably will), do NOT make yourself immediately available to him. Instead, signal that this is NOT okay with you, you do not tolerate this type of treatment, and instead, make him experience consequences for taking you for granted:


Redhearts16 said...

I have a question I been talking to this guy for over two years he been trying to date me but I wouldn't and only because I knew I was moving 14 hours away that was in 2012 I spent time with him alot before I came back 14 hours away he kept pursuing this relationship even though it was a distant relationship and he knew it was gonna be distant he told me he wants to be with me regardless of the distance Plus he is such a gentleman so this Year we officially started to date and we would talk all the time while he was taking care of his son getting ready for work everything so ga says goodmorning and goodnight to me everyday no matter what or how much we talk so one day he said goodmorning I said it back and I know he works overnight or he will work a few doubLes plus a 4 year old son and idk why but I spazzed on him when time went by and didn't respond it wasn't even alot of time I think I was just missing him and pd hates the spazz and nagging thing and when He didn't Respond I kept text'n him back to back To back all saturday all sunday and all monday I eVen started calling thinking he'd respond but he didn't he blocked me and I know I was wrong I aPologized and eVerything its been two weeks now do I have any chance of getting him back this is the first time he blocked me from his phone in two years which I could haVe said hurtful things I don't remember what I SaId now it was alot but the last time I emailed him was 5 days ago and he hasn't responded to that either he didn't eVen break up with me should I expect him to eventually comeback or do you think that one time was it. I honestly need help it hurts I feel inlove with him. Advice pls...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"do I have any chance of getting him back"

I don't think that's worth worrying about right now dear. Because here's the thing. If you don't work on yourself first and the issues you admit to having...it doesn't matter if he comes back or not. Because even if he does, you'll relapse and suffer a repeat of your behavior, and you'll be right back to square one.

I think the space right now is good. And instead of worrying about whether or not he'll come back, if I were you, I'd focus on YOURSELF right now, and forget about him. I'd focus on my well being, getting back my peace of mind...and I'd learn to develop coping techniques and skills, so as to not repeat the self-destructive behavior.

For instance, skills of self-discipline are needed and you can start working on that right away with friends. When people text you, don't jump on those texts to respond. Put down your phone and go for a walk. Or jump into a nice hot bath. Put space there and then learn to be comfortable in that space and calm. This will help strengthen your self-discipline and it will quell any anxiety arising.

And when you feel anxiety arising, practice coping skills and start developing them. When you feel anxious, get busy. Literally. Get physical. Don't live in your head and brood on what's happening at that moment. Instead, again go for a walk. Go for a jog. Meet friends for lunch and leave the phone at home. Put space there and learn to get comfortable in that space. If you release the anxiety in physical ways, that's much healthier than releasing it onto someone else, ya' know?

Try to start taking those types of baby steps towards building coping skills and skills of self-discipline and you'll see that you'll start to feel much better inside and much more confident. And then once you feel better, happier, more confident and at peace with yourself and with being alone...you can start thinking about dating again, knowing that you won't make the same mistakes twice :-)

Redhearts16 said...

Thank you so much aNd you are right I do need to focus on myself even though I neVer acted in this manner before but I know where your coming from I been working out alot more but the reLationship was a distance one he pursued I just want To know if I officially pushed him away or if you think he'S cooling off befoRe the situation he was a great friend and I miss that...

Anonymous said...

Haha this post is ridiculous.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 17, 10:34 AM,
Yes, I know...because it's always a good thing when someone is consistently late and not placing you as a priority in their life, speaks to other women behind your back, is cheap and expects sex for nothing (which even prostitutes aren't stupid enough to do), forgets your birthday, hates everything you love and spends time with friends instead of you...yea, last time I checked, those were all good things...and to think they're not is umm...ridiculous, as you say.

Yep, gotcha.

Anonymous said...

I have been in a friend with one benefit relationship for the past three years ,i am always the one doing and he is always at the receiving end,just last night he spoke to another women on the phone in a language that he does not know i understood and now i am so hurt ,but now know that he WAS NEVER INTO ME ,he was only using me for a booty call.

Anonymous said...

Just ... wow. Women who actually take this advice are asking to ruin their relationships. There may be some truth here and there, but the majority of this is just sexism towards men.

"They [men] don’t have the complex range of emotions that women have and when they communicate amongst themselves, it’s very basic communication at best."

I don't know if this a blatant lie or just blatant stupidity, but: Q.E.D.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 28, 12:29 PM,
"Just ... wow. Women who actually take this advice are asking to ruin their relationships."

I hope you saw this part "This isn't rocket science, it's common sense. Notice what all of the things above indicate? They all generally point to his lack of interest, his lack of care and they’re an indication that there’s no future."

Because that's the reality.

When people treat you as if they could care less and they don't make you a priority in their life, that's the end result. Sure, you may date for 3 months before it gets to that point...but when someone treats you as this article references, the reality is that the person on the receiving end of this treatment doesn't feel special.

So dude, if you've ever had women nagging at you and complaining about "why don't you..." all the time...that's why. Because you're making them feel like crap about themselves.

You cannot possibly be serious by insinuating that the items referenced in this article are actually the ingredients for a lasting relationship - right?

"They [men] don’t have the complex range of emotions that women have and when they communicate amongst themselves, it’s very basic communication at best."

I don't know if this a blatant lie or just blatant stupidity..."

Unless you're a woman, you wouldn't understand the complexity of the range of female emotions. You look silly and childish commenting with that reference. You look out of touch and ignorant about these matters. Because anthropologists have written extensively about this and about the study of the human brain and the differences in how men and women's work:

"Research found that men tend to use one side of their brain (particularly the left side for verbal reasoning) while women tend to use both cerebral areas for visual, verbal and emotional responses. These differences in brain use cause a difference in behavior between men and women. Women tend to be better at sensing emotional messages in conversations, gestures, and facial expressions, and are thus more sensitive."

"Men are better in spatial coordination and have a better sense of direction. They excel in math and are great at interpreting three-dimensional objects. They have a better hand-eye coordination and more precise control of large muscle movement. They have poor peripheral vision but better sight in bright light and a better sense of perspective. Since they use one side of their brain more than the other, they tend to use the left side for verbal reasoning and the right for visual and emotional activities (if they are right handed)."

"Men generally have more connections within each hemisphere and between the front and back of the brain.
In women the stronger connections usually run from side to side, between the left and right hemispheres.
In essence, what this means is that men are more logical and better at coordination and spatial awareness. Women are more intuitive, have greater 'emotional intelligence' and better memories for words and faces."

"The male brain might be good at deciphering a car-repair manual but it's not much good at decoding social context or emotions. . .men's indifference to their partner's shifting emotions. . .men are only half as good as women at interpreting a woman's emotions...women show increased activity in areas of the brain that regulate emotion and memory"

I'll let you educate yourself on the rest of it....

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 28, 12:29 PM,
Forgot to mention..."Women who actually take this advice are asking to ruin their relationships"

Women who are experiencing a combination of any of the items referenced above in this article...SHOULD ruin their relationship. A guy who doesn't remember special occasions, doesn't take a woman out on read dates, doesn't treat her special, lies to her, chooses his friends over time spent with her, talks to other women secretly behind her back, is aggressive about sex but never reveals feelings, is non-committal, hides his phone and takes her for granted...doesn't DESERVE a good woman - and doesn't know the first thing about what it takes to actually KEEP one for any significant amount of time.

Anonymous said...

my own husband treats me this way, its sad u can marry someone that just got into it to use u and married u to keep using u, and all he does is 12 of these examples to me.

Msupadoo said...

I met a guy back in 2006. We hit it off good. I was kinda trying to get out of a horrible relationship but didn't really and the guy kinda figured it out. But we kicked it until eventually he moved upstate. We kept in touch but for the most part we faded. Two years' ago we started communicating again and it turned bad after me calling him out about his inconsiderate behavior. I have always been the giver, planner, creator, of this friendship. Anyway, we ceased communication again. Fast forward to 2014 and he visits the hometown. We communicate and spend time. Two weeks later I go visit him. In a week I go back for my birthday. I'm still the planner, giver, etc. But that's how I am. He never calls. Barely texts. When I called him out a couple of times, he says he's going through a lot and he is interested in me and that's how he is. It doesn't mean he's not into me or want more. He is 48 and wow. I have decided to go next week, while I'm there a face to face talk will happen plus I'm going to pull back when I return home.

Anonymous said...

Hey MOA. I've known this guy for a year. Recently we got closer and went on three dates. He initiated all of them. He behaved as gentleman. Each time, I took a two steps forward one step backward strategy - I think we both enjoyed this little 'game':D On the last date, he asked to go exclusive which I accepted. He then took me out for dinner, but during the dinner told me that he had a few girlfriends but a lot of random girls. He was clearly introducing himself as a player. And I decided to be careful. After the dinner, he wanted to take me to his place to talk, which I answered that we didn't need to be in his room to discuss stuff. I wasn't ready to have sex and was getting to be worried. The following day he texted me sweet things. And the day after we went out, but we stayed a bit late and he offered to put me up in the guest room. I accepted the invite. As soon as we stepped in in the flat, he literally asked me to be quiet and hurry up into his bedroom. I heard his flatmates watching tv so I asked why I couldn't meet them. He was like 'not now'. And he lied me down on his bed - but then again I told him I wasn't ready, and needed more time (it's true, I didn't like him enough). So he stopped and we slept next to each other. Three days later, he showed me a Facebook message he had just received from a girl that he had a one night stand with a few month earlier. That girl had found him on Facebook (obviously she might have spent a lot of time coz I doubt he gave her his surname) and made some references to the stuff they made at bed in her message. And... I could see that he had replied back and asked her for coffee. So I got furious and at the same time wondered if I was getting crazy - I mean he showed me these messages as if it was normal. So I asked me 'you're meeting her?' To which he replied ' yes it would be rude not to. She added me, it's nice'. Me: 'oh so you go for coffee with everyone who sends you a meeting request? She's a random girl you slept with and she looked up for you on Facebook. Don't you get it?' And I told him that it was over. I don't know if he was trying to put pressure on me to get sex or something. He then tried to contact me many many times. I eventually picked up the phone and told him that he was looking for sex and that I wasn't interested. He answered ' do you think I would taken you on 5 dates if I only wanted sex?!!' What do you think Mirror? There were some red flags ....

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jul 28, 7:19 PM,
"He answered ' do you think I would taken you on 5 dates if I only wanted sex?!!'

Yea, I do think he'd participate in 5 dates to receive sex. I think he'd participate in anything, with anyone, to receive sex. This guy's talking out both sides of his mouth. His words are NOT aligning with his actions:

"On the last date, he asked to go exclusive.... I asked me 'you're meeting her?' To which he replied ' yes it would be rude not to. She added me, it's nice'."

He asks to be exclusive with you - then he turns around and asks a woman he's slept with to meet for coffee. He's not looking for a real commitment. I believe he only SAYS he's looking for one, but when it comes to actually being IN one - his actions shows he's not committed. So basically, you can't trust anything this guy says now. Because he says one thing, then turns around and does the complete opposite. He's not to be trusted.

And he's certainly not to be trusted once you add this into the mix as well "a lot of random girls. He was clearly introducing himself as a player." He sounds like a man-whore. A mimbo (male bimbo). He's a "good time guy." You can have a "good time" with him, but you can't take him seriously - he's not boyfriend material and clearly he's not truly willing to behave as if he's in a committed relationship. I think he says that because it gets him laid most of the time. Tell the girl you want a commitment, she jumps into bed with you, you sleep with her 2-3 times and hang out with her for a while then - you disappear. I think that's his game here.

I wouldn't waste anymore time on him dear. Clearly he's not going to behave as a man in a commitment, he's willing to date other women right under your nose after he asks for one and then he rubs your face in it. He's not a good guy. I think he acts charming at first to win women over, but then he turns on them and ends up hurting them eventually. He doesn't know what a commitment is. If he did, he wouldn't be agreeing to meet for coffee with women he's slept with - while dating you. He's immature and selfish and not ready for a commitment :-(

Anonymous said...

Thanks Mirror for confirming my doubts. Do you think he knows what he's doing? Does he lie on purpose? I just can't believe how some men can be so manipulative and play with feelings to receive sex :-(

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror
The guy i have feelings for initially wanted to be my fwb. Thats after we saw each other personally at work and chatted for more than 2 weeks. Then the day we decided to meet, there was no reply from him and then when i txted him he said that he had no internet access the whole day as he was trying to help his friend who was caught in an accident that day. It said it was all unexpected. However i saw the disppointment in him that he was not able to meet up with him. Being a taurean, he immediately called me said that he just want to be chatting as he has so much to study and has no real time for a fwb relationship. I offered him like an idiot that i would come. But he stuck on to his decision.
After that he would chat if I call him for txting.When it comes to deciding my courses , he would be very supportive.He would approach me and talk to me if I am early to college.But only i have to initialize the conversation to txt. Then he will respond the same day in bursts.I used to dismiss the fact that he is really busy which he is. He even has mentioned that he has to cancel going out with even his best buddies bcoz of work. He always keep mentioning that he is a poor old student chugging along.
Then when i mentioned last week, I went out with my friend for lunch, he got really possessive and jealous and wanted to end the chat convo with me. Then I had to apologize several times before he cooled down. He added saying that once trust is there, nothing will be an issue.
Then we chatted almost an hour about college.He wanted to know the courses i am doing and convinced me for 30 min into not taking the course he hates.The convo then moved to intimacy and we exchanged skype id to see over webcam and ended affectionately. He told me that he will come the next night to chat. In the morning, i sent him a chat txt wishing him a nice day. He never turned up for chat that day. I also noticed that other than my morning message that day, no other messages reached him. I sent him txt message 2-3 days that i am concerned and asked him to respond. as per my request, he deleted me of old skype acc but has never accepted my new one.he constantly keeps changing his skype name every 2 days.

Anonymous said...

hi mirror
it all happened all of a sudden after all the intimacy and closeness we shared the previous night. is he trying to test me for trust to see how sincere I am.Or is he avoiding me?I dont think so he would after all the intimacy we shared the previous day. It was he who mentioned that we will chat the next day.I am feeling devastated as we had a very instant chemistry and I have started falling madly in love with him. He knows that and always used to tell me that let time the tale and destiny decide our future. Even though, I initialized the texts,he would respond promptly. This is the first time and I am shttered. Not sure whether he is watching to see what I am doing. Well I made the mistake of texting him for 3 days when he didnt come to chat. No emotional drama. Just casual txts saying that I totally trust him. Kinndly advice me re what to do next ?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Aug 18, 5:21 PM,
"when i mentioned last week, I went out with my friend for lunch, he got really possessive and jealous and wanted to end the chat convo with me. Then I had to apologize several times before he cooled down."

NEVER apologize to someone when you've done nothing wrong. If you do that, you place yourself in the powerless position of having to answer to someone. You don't have to answer to him. He's not your boyfriend, he's not your husband. You are free to go out to lunch with friends if you like and you DO NOT have to apologize for that. Particularly to a man that claims he wants to use you for sex (FWB). A man that is only looking for sex and is not committed to you does not have any right to make you feel bad for being with your friends - so don't apologize for that and give him the impression that it's okay to do that with you, because unless he commits to you - it isn't okay.

"is he trying to test me for trust to see how sincere I am"

No dear...he already told you this "wanted to be my fwb." That means that all he wants is sex, no commitment, no relationship. And when you're not in a relationship with someone and you're not committed to them, you're free to do as you please. Which is precisely the reason I stated what I did above about NOT apologizing to him - when YOU are simply being free yourself and lunching with friends.

If HE isn't going to answer or apologize to YOU - then why are YOU answering and apologizing to HIM, ya' know? Don't do that - this isn't a relationship. He's already stated he only wanted FWB and when you agree to that, you cannot expect someone to treat you or answer to you as if you're in a relationship with them - because you're not. It's only about sex and it's only casual.

"I dont think so he would after all the intimacy we shared the previous day"

Of course he would dear, he's already told you he only wanted FWB. That means a friend with benefits - friends..friends only. No commitment, no relationship, only sex, ya' know? And men do NOT bond emotionally during sex like women do. So do not think that just because you're having sex with a man that he'll fall in love with you or have feelings for you, because it doesn't work that way with men.

"I have started falling madly in love with him"

I'd advise that you push those feelings aside dear, because he only wants sex (FWB). If you cannot push those feelings aside, then do NOT agree to a FWB situation. If you do, you'll get hurt :-(

"advice me re what to do next"

I would suggest that you cease communicating with him and when he contacts you, don't respond. He only wants sex dear, he only wants FWB. If you do not want the same, then do not continue speaking with him. Instead, find a man that wants what you want and then you will be happy and you won't be hurting :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
Please help!!
The man i was seeing after couple dates was trying to have sex with me and made it pretty obvious that that was why he was there... i told him that i don't sleep with man unless i am in a relatiohnships, he said we should stay friends so far....later he asked me out again and seemed to forget what he said about being friends...i didnt like it and didnt go..( he never apologised for not keeping his word)..he is texting me with short friendly sweet messages for a while now ...this man asked me out again..do you think its a good idea to tell him that i will meet with him if we stay in a friend zone since i am not sure about his intentions now?? should i go and act as a friend and see what he has to say or not go and see if he cares enough to prove himslef to me...( i know he is seeing other women all this time)?? Thank you!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 21, 2:47 AM,
"do you think its a good idea to tell him that i will meet with him if we stay in a friend zone since i am not sure about his intentions now?? should i go and act as a friend and see what he has to say or not go and see if he cares enough to prove himslef to me...( i know he is seeing other women all this time)?"

That's a personal decision dear. You need to decide if this man is worth your time or not. However, I will say that if he's already "outted" himself as a man interested in sex, and he's possibly a serial dater, generally those leopard's don't change their spots overnight. So if you do decide to go, be prepared for him to attempt to wear you down so he can have his way - whether you state this is for friendship or not - chances are that's the road he'll take here. So just keep that in mind and be prepared for it. I doubt he's looking for another friend, ya' know?

Anonymous said...

thank you for your thoughts MOA. I am Anonymous from September 21, 2014 at 2:47 AM...yes, i think this man is worth my time...But the thing is, since he was open about his intentions before, I am afraid that if i go he will lose respect for me and think that I want to be around him too much.( because i know why he is there) ..Is it okay to tell a man upfront, that nothing will happen?? what would you do get his interest and open more??Thank you!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous September 21, 2:47 AM,
"what would you do get his interest and open more?"

Nothing dear :-( When a man tells you that the only reason he's dating you is for sex - then BELIEVE him.

Because nothing you say or do can convince a man that ISN'T looking for a relationship - to change his mind and be in one. HE has to want that too. If he's only there for sex, a shallow gratification, then nothing you do or say is going to make him "open" up to you on a deeper relationship level....because he doesn't want a relationship, and that's not what he's there for.

You can't make him want the things you want - he has to want those things for himself :-(

Which is why it's best to accept that this man isn't relationship material, and spare yourself any pain he could possibly dish out from using you, or lying to you just to get you to sleep with him. In which case, he'd most likely disappear afterwards anyway...because he never wanted a relationship in the first place :-(

Anonymous said...

Hi, Ms. Mirror

I need your input on my situation and thank you in advance. I have been reading your blog to guide me in the dating process. It has made me smarter.

I have been dating my boyfriend for 11 months now. We started off really fast and were exclusive after the 3rd date. He lives 3 hours away but makes an attempt to make sure that we see each other every weekend, whether with or without both of our 6 years old sons. We do family activities together and he makes sure he calls me every night. I've met his friends, males and females, and have attended his son's games with the ex-wife and her boyfriend present as well.

We support each other emotionally. On weekends when we don't have the boys, he would stay until Monday morning and leave early to his home town for work. When he gets time off from work, he makes sure he spends it with me.

A lot of things have changed recently. He wasn't happy with his current job and was trying to find a new one. He was also having issues with his tenant as well. I knew he was stressing. Last month he asked me to give him space for a month to think, so I honored his request but after 2.5 weeks he called and begged to see me. During this time period I asked him if he loves me and he said yes but when I asked if he was in love with me, he said he couldn't answer that question because he doesn't know if he loves me or not.

Now he has a new job, 2 hours away. We talked about moving in next summer. I know he as been stressing about not seeing his son enough since he is unsure if he will be seeing him every other weekend or only during school holidays and summer vacation. He told me that he's lost because he feels like I am pulling him in one direction and his son is pulling him in another, and he doesn't know what is right. I have never asked him to choose me over his son. His son has always been a part of us and never excluded.

As he was making plans to return to his home town this weekend to talk the ex-wife regarding visitation and the next weekend to clean and prep his home for potential renters, he didn't invite me to go with him. I didn't mind about the weekend when he was going to talk to the ex-wife but I knew something was up when he didn't offer an invitation to go with him the following weekend. It was very unlike of him. He has moved twice and have asked me if I could help him.

I knew something was off so I asked if he needed space. He told me he needed a month off again because the time apart will give him clarity so that he may be a better partner and person. I was very angry and hurt because I feel used and rejected, but honored his request.

I don't know what I did wrong. He keeps telling me its not me, its him. After 11 months, I would hope he would know what he wants or if he's in love with me or not. I was very selective when dating-dating single dad who wants an exclusive long term relationship, who makes every effort to see me or call me, introduces me to his friends and family. I don't know what to do anymore. I am confuse and hurt. He tells me that this time apart doesn't mean we should be dating other but just time apart and that he was not going to fill the void with anyone else.

I know he has recently moved to a new town, new job, and anonymity so maybe he wants to start fresh without me.

Again thank you, Kat

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Ugh, you're probably not going to like what I'm about to point out here - what jumped out at me regarding your story. But I will share it, in the hopes there is some perspective in the point. This part is very concerning to me:

"We started off really fast and were exclusive after the 3rd date"

You see, when things start off fast and hot - they tend to burn out with equal speed. Things that start off like that, tend to be short lived brief love affairs, as opposed to long term committed relationships. When a man wants to rush into something, it's a red flag. Sometimes it's a red flag that they only want sex. Other times it's a red flag that their lonely, and anyone willing will do. Sometimes it's a red flag that they're in love with the idea of being in love. Sometimes it's a red flag that they're attempting to fill a void. Sometimes it's a red flag that they're impulsive and reckless with their emotions and the emotions of others. And sometimes it's a red flag that they're chasing the "high." The high that comes in the very early stages of a relationship. The high that is lust and sexual attraction, that's often times mistaken for love.

But any way you slice it dear - it's a red flag :-(

Because you have to ask yourself, why the rush? Getting to know someone inside and out takes a LOT of time. By the third date, you do NOT know that person inside and out...so why are you rushing into things, ya' know? What void are you attempting to fill? What is your motivation? What is missing in your life that you're in a rush to replace so quickly? And why are you not considering the consequences of the risk involved in running headlong, straight into things? Why isn't that person thinking things through properly, ya' know?

Those are all the questions that speeding into things brings up. And because you don't know the person very well, it's important to explore the motivation behind the actions.

And the end result in those situations is that eventually, the individual whose done the rushing will ultimately realize what they've done, and instinctively pull back to gain clarity about their actions and the consequences of them as a result. It's almost unavoidable. Because at first, they zipped along, not giving much thought to the "big picture" or end result...and then comes the day that they realize that - and the end result is generally a request for space then at that point. Because now, the person has to try and understand their own motivations, and what led them to take the actions that they took. Which is what he's attempting to do, and why he's so confused.

He's been ignoring the important questions. He's just been speeding along, possibly thinking he could outrun them, or even possibly running FROM them in the first place. Sometimes, people run AWAY from things...by running AT something new, ya' know? But they can't run forever. Eventually the day comes when everything catches up to them. And I think that's where he's at right now dear. He's trying to make heads or tails of everything that he's done without thinking through first. He's done things backwards. He wasn't thinking things through properly when this began. He realizes that now, so he's now taking the time and space to think things through - when that should've all happened FIRST, not AFTER he's already taken action.

But again, and I say this often....if it's meant to be dear, it will be.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Give him the time and space he's asking for. He's attempting to understand his feelings and his actions and his motivations right now that led him to where he's at. He's attempting to see if he misses you. He's attempting to experience his feelings for you. Because unlike women who tend to "feel" their emotions in the moment...men are the opposite. They tend to "feel" their emotions during times of absence. When they pull back, they wait to see if they "feel" anything. They wait to see if they miss you, long for you and want to be with you. If they do, they realize that what they feel is real, and they return. If they don't, they understand that the feelings were fleeting, and then they act accordingly.

And right now, that's where he's at. That's what he's attempting to do. And the best you can do dear, is give him the time and space he's asking for...and have faith that you made an impression on this man and that he will "feel" for you in your absence - and return to you :-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you Ms. Mirror

Everything you mentioned regarding red flags was dead on. Thinking back on his dating history, I realized how he was developing feelings too fast or driving across states to whom ever was willing.

When he asked for space, he requested that he would still like to continue our nightly talk but I denied his request, but I did tell him that if he is troubled with anything during this time apart, I am more than happy to talk and help resolve his issues . I thought that if he wanted space it would be best to avoid any contact. My reason behind this is I wanted him to miss me and to feel what it's like to not have me in his life to share every day simple things in life. Was I wrong to deny him of his request and then to follow up with I'll help him with issues that are bothering him?

Thanks for making this blog possible.

Anonymous said...

Hi, Ms, Mirror

Just an update on the boyfriend who needed space. This morning my boyfriend called me and asked if my son and I would like to meet him and his son at an indoor playhouse just after over a week of no physical contact. I thank him for the invitation but declined. Here is a man who requested space but then calls me to meet him.

Why ask for space but then does this?

Thank you, Kat

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 28, 10:20 AM,
"Was I wrong to deny him of his request and then to follow up with I'll help him with issues that are bothering him? My reason behind this is I wanted him to miss me and to feel what it's like to not have me in his life to share every day simple things in life."

No, I actually think that's the best thing to do - for YOU. Meaning, if he needs space, but then wants to turn around and contact you each day, he's going to be stringing you along in a sense. You won't be able to emotionally break free, because he's going to keep you tied emotionally through those talks. This would leave you in a limbo of sorts, hovering in some unfinished emotional space, which would keep you "stuck" in a sense.

It would also deny him the experience of an "end" with regards to the situation. And if he's to truly recognize whether or not he has feelings for you, that "end" is necessary. Because if he's able to have his cake (freedom) and eat it to (security of you there nightly), he will not experience the loss necessary to determine the level of feelings he may have for you. So when someone asks for space, it's really best to give it to them in a 100% form. It also helps to avoid the possibility of any resentment building. That may sound strange, but sometimes people can actually begin to resent the things that keep them "tied" and unable to break free.

He's made a decision here. He's decided he needs space. And that's fine. But he also needs to experience the consequence of that decision, which is - no access to you:


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Why ask for space but then does this?"

Well, as I just stated above for someone similar here...he wanted space, which is fine. BUT - there is a CONSEQUENCE to that decision. And the consequence is no access to you:


He cannot keep you in limbo here, and if he's to truly experience the level of feelings he has for you, then he needs to experience an "end" - a loss - in order for those feelings to surface, so that he can make a final decision here as to whether or not to proceed forward with this relationship. Men that do this, it's like they want their cake and they want to eat it too. Meaning, they want their freedom, but they also want the security you provide...when it's CONVENIENT for THEM. That's not fair, and that's not how relationships work. Relationships are a two way street that require compromise. You cannot keep someone on a string, and then pull them off the shelf when it's convenient for you.

So when he asks for space, you give him plenty of it. He's made that decision, so now he needs to experience the consequence of it - which is, no access to you.

Anonymous said...

Hi, Ms. Mirror

This is an update. My boyfriend broke up with me this past Sunday. Turns out the space he supposedly wanted to work with his ex regarding parenting time and his old and potential renter was just an excuse. When he called I asked him if we will stay on the same path when this month passes he gave me a "No I am not on a separate path" one day to "I don't know what to say. I am evaluating the relationship" the next. I was very angry and hurt. I felt betrayed because he should have broken up with me long before, but held on to the relationship so that I could fill his loneliness, insecurites, and the void in his life-I see it all now. I am slowly healing but I will recover. To close this chapter and to have closure I wrote him a letter, a not so kind one. Probably not a good idea but at this point it doesn't matter what he thinks of me or him thinking he's glad he broke up with me because I am a crazy woman.


Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
I love your blogs! You helped me out once before. I just walked away from a man that I really care about and have been dating for three months. He behaves like a boyfriend. Hes a single dad with two girls - one from his marriage and one prior. He is newly divorced (a few months-I just found out how recent). He spends time with my kids and brings his oldest daughter around. They spend weekends with us. The problem is despite the fact that HE pursued me, pushed for family activities, and has introduced me to all the important people in his life, he will not make it official. He says he doesnt want to rush into a relationship since his divorce is new. Again,he knew my situation (divorced for 6 years) and pursued me hard! I thought it best to walk away bc Im looking for a relationship and he is not. He wants us to buy a car together, save for a vacation next year together, im his date for his brother's wedding, but he will not agree to a relationship. The other issue is that when he visits his youngest from the divorce, he travles across the country once a month and stays in the house with the ex wife and daughter to visit (she just turned 2). He stays in contact while gone, but the setup is messy at best. He says a label changes nothing. He says we should see how we bridge the distance (ny and nj abt 45 mins but he has no car) I dont see the big deal. Im afraid this is game, but i dont want to make a mistake. Im also afraid Im a rebound girl for him. Ive had men be all talk and no action, but never one who was all action wo the talk. Your thoughts?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 12, 9:04 PM,
"He wants us to buy a car together, save for a vacation next year together"

Careful here dear. Don't get caught up in flowery talk and empty promises. While this guy might mean well, the simple fact of the matter is that he is NOT committing. And when a guy who does not want to commit wants to buy a car together, that's a big red flag. He won't commit to you romantically, but he WILL commit to entering into a financial commitment with you??? Umm, no. That's very suspicious. Does he need to use your credit? Does he need a co-signer for the loan? What's his motivation here for not committing romantically, but being willing to commit financially?

It's not YOUR responsibility to provide him with transportation to see you dear, particularly when he will NOT commit to you. That's his problem, let HIM work that out on his own. And if he threatens that he'll be unable to continue to see you if you don't do that for him, then that's an even bigger red flag for his motivation behind that request. Meaning, it's like saying, "Buy me a car and I'll continue to see you. If there's something in it for me, then I'll do you the favor of continuing to see you." Using someone financially is the wrong reason to be dating them.

And if he wants you two to save for a vacation, fine. Save separately. Do NOT combine your money to do so, it's not necessary and if he pushes for that, again it's a red flag. Why does he need to have access to YOUR money as well, ya' know?

"He says a label changes nothing."

Maybe not for HIM, but for YOU - it does. And if he was truly interested in making you happy, he'd realize that. And for that matter, if a label doesn't change anything, then why not give you the "label" of commitment? He claims it won't change anything, so why not just do it then?

The reason why is because he KNOWS it most definitely changes things...and he's not willing to do that. But he IS willing to suggest saving money together and entering into financial commitments together, which makes me very suspicious of his motivations here.

"He says we should see how we bridge the distance (ny and nj abt 45 mins but he has no car)"

Isn't he already doing that - without a car? And if he needs to test that out WITH a car, then I'd suggest that HE go buy that car. HE needs a car, not you. So let HIM go buy one if that's what he wants.

"He says he doesnt want to rush into a relationship since his divorce is new."

This is particularly concerning because, while I can understand his unwillingness to do that immediately after a divorce...he does NOT want to rush into a relationship because his divorce is new, but he IS willing to rush into a financial commitment and co-mingling of funds...while not committing to you. WTF???

That doesn't make an ounce of sense dear. He's protective of his romantic status, but not of his financial status? Now ask yourself, why would that be? You know why? Because in his romantic status, he has something to LOSE - his newfound freedom. But in his financial status, he must NOT have something to LOSE - he must have something to GAIN instead. Which tells me that he's unable to do this on his own, and makes me suspicious that he isn't looking to use someone to help change that right now.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Im afraid this is game...Im also afraid Im a rebound girl"

If you feel your guts trying to tell you something here dear, then I'd suggest you listen to it.

"Your thoughts?"

No financial commitments here - NONE. Let this man piece his life back together on his own, without the help of a woman. Do NOT let him manipulate you into thinking that you have to take on his "stuff" - his baggage - as your own. That's number one.

Number two. If you're still undecided, then continue to date him, do NOT provide him ANY financial support of any kind, and then observe. Observe this man further, get to know him further, and pay attention to his motivations and whether or not he attempts to manipulate you into thinking that your financial assistance will somehow make your relationship with him better. And if you see that happening - then RUN.

Give this man no commitments, financially or romantically. Do NOT give more than you're getting here. And if things don't ease up in the next 2-3 months with him, and he doesn't come around to the idea of a romantic commitment...then walk dear.

Anonymous said...

This is Anonymous Oct 12, 9:04 PM
Thank you, Mirror!!! I have far less patience than you give me credit for having! I called him out on the title thing and walked away. I didnt want to get any more attached than I already am (my kids - 13 and 8 as well). I'm not going to lie...walking away hurt and I'm upset, but I'm 36, divorced with 2 kids, and I didn't want to waste time. As for the car, it was supposed to be a used car that we each contributed 2-3k to purchase. He says that would have bridged the gap and if we broke up, then one would buy the other out. I think he assumed it would be in my name and I would insure it. Normally, he's ok with money. He pays for stuff or we go half, but I notice I'm paying all the tolls and it's almost $20 to get into the city. As for the car - Negative!!! I get NO child support from my ex husband (he pulled a Houdini). I am not a "kept woman". I do all the keeping for me and my children. I don't have anything to give to this guy or any other man for that matter. I am accident free and have nice, cheap insurance, and I wouldn't jeopardize that for a man who is unsure about committing to me on such a basic level. Those sound like relationship ventures and I'm not in one of those. And again, you're right! He can't hold that over my head. If he can't see me because of the car, too bad. He knew the distance when he pursued me. He knew his divorce was recent when he pursued me. He made the decision to pursue *me* and very aggressively I might add! I'm not going to be coerced into any foolishness. Fortunately, I didn't get ugly, out of shape or dumb after I started dating him. There are other suitors interested, but seeing as I have my kids 24/7, and almost never introduce them to anyone I'm dating (with the exception of this man bc he had a daughter the same age), dating anyone is impossible. I'm not going to lie though....I really like this guy. He's a teacher too, good with my kids, easy to be around....but I think I deserve a man who won't be on the fence about me. The minute I caught myself telling him that I'm "a good woman", I realized that I lost big time, picked my pride up off the floor, and said goodbye. Do I need to do 30 day no contact with him? He's not aggressive and I doubt he will even reach out. He feels like I cut him off and don't care about him. He says he misses me but can't have me and so he gives up. I say those are all direct consequences of HIS choices. It's tough, but this too shall pass. There are worse things than being single I suppose - although I can't think of any at the moment! Thanks for the reply. I love your blog and have recommended it to all my girlfriends. Lots of times we need REAL talk, bs-free advice, and the TRUTH! Thanks again.
No Longer Confused in NJ!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@No Longer Confused in NJ,
"I'm not going to lie...walking away hurt and I'm upset, but I'm 36, divorced with 2 kids, and I didn't want to waste time"

It does hurt to walk away and let go of things we care about dear, I get that. But you know what hurts worse? Wasting good years of your life on a fruitless effort. And while this is painful, later on down the line, you'll look back on this and be very proud of yourself, the strength you exhibited, in doing what was best for YOU, instead of settling and placing the needs of others in front of your own.

So be proud of that dear, and give yourself a big pat on the back for it - because that's not easy and it does require real strength.

"if we broke up, then one would buy the other out...he assumed it would be in my name and I would insure it"

Hmm, I'm seriously not liking the sounds of this from him. So basically, he wanted to get the use of a $4-6k car for half price, no risk (insured in your name), and no real "commitment" to even that financially it appears, because if he decided he was done, he could just walk away...scott free, and dump that responsibility into your lap - while collecting another cool $2-3k from a single mother of two to buy him out (which is most likely the route he'd have chosen, the ole' "wipe my hands clean of it" method, based on the fact that nothing on paper would've been his responsibility here).

So you take all the risk - while he enjoys the benefits and no strings attached. I don't like that.

"I am accident free and have nice, cheap insurance, and I wouldn't jeopardize that for a man who is unsure about committing to me on such a basic level."

Absolutely. And for that matter, something like that shouldn't happen until marriage. It should never happen prior to it, even in long term unwed committed relationships.

"Do I need to do 30 day no contact with him?"

That's up to you dear. But apparently, based on his blase' response to all of this...he's fine with this, in which case, if it were me...I'd seriously consider writing him off for good. Because I don't like this little manipulation trick response of his:

"He says he misses me but can't have me and so he gives up"

Who says he can't have you? He's acting like a victim here, like as if this is out of his control. He most certainly CAN have you - it requires a commitment is all, which HE isn't willing to give. So where does he get off acting like this is something out of reach for him, ya' know? I don't like the "spin" he placed on that. Like, "Whoa is me, I can't have her, boo hoo, I can't control this." Which is simply not the reality here.

And, as you pointed out, is a consequence of his own actions/decisions. The least he could do here is man up and accept that this is HIS DECISION, instead of acting like some helpless victim instead and trying to play on the sympathy of others.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"There are worse things than being single I suppose - although I can't think of any at the moment!"

LOL, I can. Think about this. You two buy that car, and immediately afterwards, you see him LESS now because he's got wheels to galavant around town in and excuses to be away (running his child around or going to stay with the ex to visit), and the relationship begins to deteriorate and the car is only making things worse and causing resentment to build.

You nag, he deflects, You confront, he avoids. Until eventually, the relationship breaks apart. And now, everything's in YOUR name, and he's dumped that car on you to deal with. He doesn't have $3k to buy you out, and you don't have $3k to buy him out...and someone has to keep plates and insurance on this thing (YOU). Now, you have to sell it, and that responsibility falls on you. And the only offers coming in are for less than you owe on this car. So who takes that loss? You? Him? Both of you? You're no longer speaking, and the only time you hear from him is when he wants his $3k back - in FULL. Because he doesn't intend to lose a dime on this thing, and he's got you in a compromising position because while you don't want to lose any money on it either, you also don't want to keep up the insurance payments, plates, title/registration, etc. on it. So now you're faced with 1) keep investing money into the car each month while waiting to get a good offer on it, or 2) take a loss on it to get out from investing anymore money into it while it's depreciating the entire time.

THAT could be worse dear - much worse than being single and free to fly LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi, I hooked up with a guy whom I knew from a store I go to all the time. For three years we would always stare at each other but neither would ask the other one out. So naturally when he asked for my number two weeks ago, I jumped at the chance and gave it to him. He called me right away to give me his then immediately made plans to see me. I made him wait a day and after a few wines at his sisters house, we left and I spent the night at his house. It was as great as I had imagined and he could not stop cuddling,kissing, holding me. I really felt loved. We made plans for that night and That morning he sends me a have a good day,see you later text after I had left home to go to work. After work at around 7, I text to confirm the time. He texts me yes later. He calls around 8 me to tell me he's at a birthday party how about a little later. I say ok. And wait until about 10:30 when nervously invites me to meet him where he is with friends. I go because I wanted to see him and wanted to meet his friends. I show up and everyone of his friends is staring at me like I have two heads. As the night progresses, he's kissing me, hugging me and pretty much acting like a bf. We go to his house again and again the next morning I'm going home with him telling me to have a good day. That was a friday and Saturday. Mon through Weds we text but I don't meet him because of my children. I'm a single mom. Wednesday night he wants me to send sexy pics. I say no. He persists saying he wishes I was with him. I ask him if he has respect for me and he apologizes. The next day I send him a barely visible pic because I felt bad and he still texted me. Weekend comes around and I ask what he's doing. Tells me to meet him at 10:30 only to tell me he's tired if we could sit and talk. I say ok. We do for about an hour and then I leave because I felt like I was bothering him. Even though he did say I could stay and just sleep with him(without sex). He did hug me alot and kissed me like he was happy to see me. Later at home,I texted I could have stayed. To which he replied it's ok my baby cousin came over and I had to give them my bed. That was Friday. Saturday we make plans for the afternoon and he calls me at 7:30pm to tell me that we may be going out he'll call me later. I texted around 8:30pm to see when at 9pm texts me later. 11Pm rolls around and I text again. Oh his cousins from another state are by, he has to wait till they leave. He lives with his brother and cousin. By 12:30am I'm tired so I call to say forget it and his phone goes to voicemail. I decide to call it a night, but at 12:45am he texts me they left what I'm doing. I call back at 12:55 and tell him I was already to sleep. He tells me want to come over and sleepover?Because I really wanted to, I go. The next morning again cuddles, hugs kisses and tells me to have a good day. Maybe we'll meet up later. He never texts, or calls even when I text to see if we're meeting up. The whole day and night goes by and he texted around 9pm to say yes and he'll call later. I had worked so I was ok with that. He never called or answered my calls. The next day I go by the store and he tells me without really looking at me, that he fell asleep and then asks me till what time I waited. I tell him I fell asleep around 12am. I leave the store, I sent him a lengthy text message because he was busy and couldn't talk. I basically told him I ws angry for him not calling me and if he was looking for a one nught stand he should have told me and that I can walk if he's not feeling it. To call me if he really wanted to see me again. He calls me right after and quickly tells meif I have time, I say no and hesays he'll call or text me in the night He does to tell me his mom fractured her arm. I say oh wow hope she feels better. N I don't text him till the next day to ask how she was. He tells me oh much better. I say great. He texted to say he had gotten home and then I textd him the next morning to have s nice day. Am I wasting my time?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 15, 8:25 PM,
"Am I wasting my time?"

Regretfully dear, I think you are. Because from day one - this was geared towards a brief fling, a casual "hookup" - and not a relationship unfortunately :-(

Here's the thing dear. And some of this might be painful and for that I apologize. But hang in here with me because I'm trying to help you, not judge you. We've all been where you're at right now, so there's nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about here, so just know that.

The best way to explain this concept dear, is like this. Let's say you want to go to California (relationship), and you live in Alaska (single). You need to catch a flight, and your destination is California (relationship). Knowing that...would you instead book a flight to Scotland (hookup)? If you lived in Alaska (were single) and wanted to end up in California (wanted a relationship) - do you think a flight to Scotland (hooking up) would get you to your destination (a relationship)? Probably not, as you'd be landing in an entirely different country.

Now, you can book a flight to California (a relationship) from Scotland (hookup territory), but would that be the most effective way of reaching your destination (a relationship). No - it's not. The path you ultimately took would be complicated, laborious, expensive and costly (emotionally damaging, self-defeating).

Get what I'm saying here dear?

What I'm trying to say here is that...if you want a relationship - hooking up is NOT the route you take. Hooking up leads to brief flings and affairs, not long lasting commitment. Things that start off fast and hot, tend to burn out just as quickly as they started. The path to a long lasting, committed relationship is not through sex. Studies have shown (in this book "http://www.amazon.com/The-30-Day-Love-Detox-Relationship/dp/1609619706") that if a woman sleeps with a man in the first 30 days, there's a 90% chance they won't be together a year later:

“If you have sex within 30 days of meeting somebody, you’ve got a 90 percent chance of being broken up within one year...scientific statistics show that waiting longer leads to longer relationships...“sex is a high-risk hobby for women.”

The study also showed that if you increase that time to 60 days, you increase the odds that you'll be together a year later. Likewise, if you increase that to 90 days, your odds of being together a year later are even higher.

Dr. Wendy Walsh, the author of that book and the one behind that study, believes the study shows that when sex is in high supply, men are less likely to commit. Reverse that - when sex is NOT in high supply, men are MORE likely to commit.

And what this study proves dear is that when you provide sex, thinking it'll lead to a relationship, it's actually a self-defeating behavior that causes the odds of a committed relationship coming out of it to drop dramatically. And this probably has something to do with human nature, and the way our DNA is coded (which hasn't really changed in eons) - men are hunters. They love the challenge of the chase.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Let's imagine another scenario. One that stems from the book, "Why Men Love Bitches" which is a fantastic read I might add. In this scenario, imagine you have a man that likes to hunt. Now picture bringing him a live dear on a chain, and asking him to shoot it. Do you think he'll have enjoyed that hunt? Do you think that's a conquest that will feel fulfilling to him, feeding the need of challenging himself? Probably not.

Now picture this. Picture this man climbing into his tree stand in the woods before daylight. Picture him spending two hours in silence, listening, watching, waiting - his adrenaline building, until FINALLY...the deer is in his sights. Boom. He takes his shot. The deer is hit, but is not down and is now on the run, injured. He tracks this deer - for 2 miles, adrenaline pumping, until FINALLY he spots it again and takes his second shot. He misses. The deer is on the run again. Now his heart's really pumping, his mind is racing, he's feeling very alive and he gives chase - again. Afer another mile, he spots the deer a 3rd time, takes his 3rd shot and he finally lands this deer - and it's a beautiful 12 point.

He's going to race home, heart pounding, head spinning with excitement, and he's going to tell all his buddies about this hunt and the beautiful deer he landed after a ton of hard work and a great chase. And he's going to continue to tell this story for years to come. This hunt is going to go down as one of the best in all his years of hunting as a sportsman. He's going to cherish this deer and that hunt for many years to come.

Do you see the difference dear?

In each example, there are two paths to take - and each lead to an entirely different outcome. If you want a relationship, then you have to take the path that will lead you to that destination (slow pace, work, timing). If you want a hookup, booty call or friends w/benefits situation, then you take a different path (fast, no work, quick).

And unfortunately, when you're on the wrong path...getting to right destination becomes very difficult, if not impossible in the end :-(

Anonymous said...

Thank you for that Mirror!
I think you're right. Let me just say that I had never hooked up on the first date ever like that. I've only had two men in my life, him being the second. I was really hoping that this would work out seeing as though we "sort of" knew of each other. Also he had wanted to come by my house and I had declined because I didn't think my house was in an acceptable conditions to invite people over. So we ended up going to his house. So maybe he thinks I'm not into him as he is to me since I don't want to take him to my house and haven't really taken him anywhere around people I know. Whereas he has a few times. I see your point, but why then act as though he doesn't want me to move on? Why not just let me be? I'm guessing that he probably thinks it's an easy way to get laid without all the commitment. I don't regret being with him. It was a fantasy that became a reality and if their is no future at least I had that. A couple of things though. He had texted me the day before yesterday to tell me he had gotten home after I had called earlier to see how his day had been. I never replied to his text until yesterday morning because I had fallen asleep. I didn't apologize just said I had fallen asleep and we could talk later. I used a pet name that he always uses for me to the text. Another thing on the weekend he had been wanting for us to go on a doubledate with his friend and my friend but my friend had been busy both times I've asked her. So that also could make him think I'm playing games. Or maybe not. I think I'm making excuses for his behavior. I know he's single or at least I think he is because I've never seen any girls flirting with him. I 've never seen him flirting period ever which is why I was surprised that he even had the nerve to ask for my number. So basically I know where he works, he lives, his family lives, where his friend lives and where he works out. He has one child whom lives in another state and in the beginning he would joke around about us having a baby. I won't obviously but i don't know if because I know so much of him but he only knows that I have children and where I work. N the fact that he had asked to see my home. I texted him in the afternoon yesterday telling him I had a dream about him. He responded what kind of dream and I replied but then that's it. He fell off the planet. I know I need to move on,but a part tells me to just give him another chance to see.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 16, 8:50 AM,
"I see your point, but why then act as though he doesn't want me to move on? Why not just let me be? I'm guessing that he probably thinks it's an easy way to get laid without all the commitment."

You pretty much answered your own question dear...some men tend to like the convenience and don't like to let it go :-(

Anonymous said...

Thank you Mirror! A little update. After he didn't reply, I passed by the store to buy sandwiches for my children. He pretended not to notice me as I walked in and I could see him trying to steal glances from behind the counter. I pretended I didn't notice him and when to the counter, he asked how I was doing. I said I was fine. I did notice he didn't have his phone with him, it was on the other side where the sandwiches are made. Plus the owner was in there. As I was leaving he winks at me. I decided that I wasn't going to text anymore and I didn't. I was going to end it and I sent him a text telling him we needed to talk because I didn't feel like he wanted this relationship to continue. He texted me right bsck saying that that was not the case he really wanted to be with me. So i invite him out and he says he can't. I text ok and didn't text him at all and all next day too. I called at around 9:30pm when he was supposed to be finishing his shift. His phone ranged and because I was in the area I drove by his store. He was still in the store and so I decided to hang with my friends and see how long it took for him to finish. Again we pass by his store around 10:30pm and the store was still open. So i decide to go home and call it a night. I got home around 10:40 and at 10:50 he texts me he really wants to see me that he just came out and for me to go over. I go but when I get there I tell I can't have intercourse. I wanted to see if he would kick me out. He didn't and we actually talked for a while. We did kiss,cuddle and hugged among other things but he was ok with not having sex. It was nice and we slept until morning. Does this change things?

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror of Aphroditie,
I am a 29 year old female. Went out with a 30 yr old last weekend. I made some mistakes. We went on a group date bonfire with his friends, before we got out of his friends truck i turned my head and he kissed me, after that i tried to be social failed cause i was nervous i got totally drunk and puked. I mean He said not to worry bout it.
However first date jitters and all before all that we went on a hike some other things in between like he gave his daughter a bath and i felt weird sitting in his room watching tv, Before that I met his mother, grandma, and 2yr old daughter since he lives with them. However....I was so shy and nervous I did not really speak to them. But after i wound up drunk he brought me back we did fool around but he stopped it said he respected me wanted to do things sober.....ok i was very greatful since I sorta was thinking the same thing but did not realize it had gotten that far that quick. Then I hung out with him and his daughter most of the next morning and he barley spoke to me idk i was so quiet and nervous then felt like super awkward. So i finally was leaving but we went on another hike and we talked a little then i was about to leave he hugged and kissed me goodbye. i think we built eachother up via text that we wound up shy and too excited i mean he even told me he was excited. But i texted him after i got home since he asked. We continued texting but i told him how sorry i was for what happened and he said do not worry its ok i told him ok but i think what killed it was me texting every day like i initiated most of it, basically told him i really liked him and i did not wanna screw it up he said"ICIC" that was the end of that convo until the 4th day after the date when i was gonna not text him, he text me at about mid afternoon asking if i was ok and i said yes and we started talking a little but by like 9pm we stopped and i have not heard from him in 2 days i am sure i messed up and hes probably not into me anymore so im not gonna stress but i wanna know what you think? Thanks in advance

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror

First, I would just like to say that your site is fantastic,, your advice, the way you write, is awesome, I'm married and have still found so much valuable advice here, and I refer all my girlfriends here, especially the ones who are struggling to find decent dating experiences...

What brings me here today is a recent discussion I had with a male friend of mine (an Aries, funnily enough :) ) Our group of friends are all connected on Instagram and in the app there is an activity feed where one can see what the people you are following are liking and sometimes commenting on. Its particularly useful to find interesting Igers that you wouldn't otherwise have found. But, at the same time it's also a place to see things that one would perhaps rather not want to see. As with this one particular friend of mine, he is in a relatively new relationship, they have been together about 10 or something months and live together. over time I've noticed on many occasions him liking pictures of other women, especially their facial "selfies", at first I didn't think much of it until a recent comment he left on a womens' picture saying "cutest!"(she lives in a far away land, and they have never met).
So us being friends I called him up on it and the conversation went something like this:
Me: If you're so happy and in love, why are you leaving comments like such on other girls pictures?
Him: I'm just making friends and connections, why you looking at what I'm doing anyway?
Me: well it was right there where anyone could see it, even your girlfriend could have seen that!
Him: I don't feel there is anything wrong with that.
Me : Mmmmkey, whatever!

So I figured I'd bring it here as a topic for discussion, I'm really curious to know what you would think of that, where do you think is the line, or rather where does it get crossed, especially with social media these days, between "making friends/connections" and taking it a bit too far. If that was my husband or even a boyfriend doing it, i'd feel a bit uncomfortable about it, wouldn't you mirror?

I've been married for nine years, my husband (also aries by the way ;) ) is still a bit old school, and the only social media he is on is Facebook, which he only visits about twice a year, but still I have never seen him liking let alone comment on women's "selfie" pictures, especially not women that he doesn't know... And like I said above, if he would have, I'm pretty sure I'd be uncomfortable with it, I don't have trust issues at all, but then again I'm also with a man that hasn't given me any reason to have trust issues....

Excited to read your reply :)

Anonymous said...

Update @am i wasting my time?
So he contacted me and we got together again but this time he wanted to be unprotected. I said no I don't do that and he complied with wrapping it up...the next day he tells me that he has to do something and would call me if we could hang out. Never did, but neither did I...the next day he sends a hello good morning text...i replied after a few hours and said hello good morning how was your night? I wanted to see what he would say he would say. He says good thank you and a few minutes I notice he changed his profile pic to one of when he's single. I know we haven't made things official but I felt it was kind of not right. I commented oh that pic secretly wishing that he changed it and a few minutes later changes it to a more respectable pic. I then to the opportunity to ask about the night before and I said I didn't want to waste my time and were we going to be serious. He didn't reply but his profile said he wasn't online so I left it like that and the next day I go to the store to grab milk and he immediately lights up and comes towards me hugging and kissing me telling me how beautiful I look...is he trying to get on my good side to ensure I keep giving him sex?

Anonymous said...

this has just happened to me I honestly don't know how to feel or what to do just feel like the biggest idiot for letting him so close all the while he had no intention of committing to me :(

he said he wants to be friends but I told him I can't and won't do that. feel so lost

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 18, 10:05 AM,
"Does this change things?"

It wouldn't change anything for me dear. He's still "hooking up" with you, instead of planning formal dates with you. He's snapping his fingers when it's convenient for him and he can squeeze you in, instead of making plans in advance and taking you out on formal dates :-(

One night of no sex and him being agreeable with that, changes nothing. His actions are still the same - no formal "dates" here, only hookups when convenient for him. If he suddenly made time for you during his off hours and instead of inviting you over for a sofa date...


...he made plans in advance and took you out to a nice dinner or a movie and treated you like a lady on an actual date, and then began doing so regularly...that might change things for me.

It's not the "sex versus no sex" here that's the indicator...for me, it would be his treatment of me. If he was still treating me like a "hookup" he was squeezing in instead of planning formal dates and actually taking me out - then I would consider no change to have been made :-(

Because hooking up isn't dating - it's hooking up. It requires no thought, no investment of any type and is easy and convenient. Dating is when plans are made in advance, the man "invests" (his time planning, thoughtfulness, money, etc.) in the woman and puts a little "work" into making things nice and treating the woman special. It's two entirely different things and for me, my opinion wouldn't change until his actions and treatment of me did, ya' know?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 19, 2:21 AM,
"i wanna know what you think?"

I think you should stop worry and fretting so much about what transpired and simply stop trying to correct things or "do" things (initiating contact) and instead...sit back and do nothing. Give both yourself and the relationship some breathing room and time to settle in.

Let him do some of the work to keep this going. And if you don't hear from him for a few days, that's nothing to get upset about. Men like to miss women, if they miss the woman, then they know they're started to have feelings for her. Men equate longing for someone with love - so let him miss you. He can't miss you if you're contacting him daily...so let some space develop here and give him a chance to miss you and give yourself a chance to get your emotions back in balance and I'm sure all will be well :-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 19, 6:56 AM,
"I'm really curious to know what you would think of that, where do you think is the line, or rather where does it get crossed, especially with social media these days, between "making friends/connections" and taking it a bit too far. If that was my husband or even a boyfriend doing it, i'd feel a bit uncomfortable about it, wouldn't you mirror?"

Well here's the thing. For women - that's insulting to us to see our boyfriends, lovers, husbands, etc. showering other females with compliments and attention. But for men - many don't understand the emotional needs of women or their own partners well enough to deliver on them properly or not cross those boundaries.

Because the entire point of being in a relationship is to spend time with people who make you feel good. When your man does this, it does the exact opposite...it makes you feel like crap about yourself. And as a result, men who behave like this while in relationships are actually exhibiting self-defeating behavior. As well, they're not tuned into the needs of their spouse or partner, it's selfish behavior, which is why he thinks it's no big deal.

If he weren't in a committed relationship, it wouldn't be. But when you're in a committed relationship, sacrifice and work is required to keep it afloat. Men in relationships who do NOT understand these delicate concepts....have no business being in relationships in my opinion. Because they clearly know nothing of the intricate workings of them or the sacrifices required or what it takes to make - and KEEP - a woman happy.

So it's not that he's a bad guy necessarily as much as he's an ignorant one when it comes to women and relationships. And by ignorant I don't mean cruel...I mean he simply doesn't know any better and probably isn't quite mature enough emotionally to understand the sacrifices that being in a healthy relationship truly require. Because those who are wise clearly understand that one of the biggest sacrifices is the that of the opposite sex.

You sacrifice being able to direct your attentions to a myriad of women - because you enjoy receiving the attention of only ONE woman - your partner. And if you're mature enough to understand what women need in order to feel special and stay with a man...then you know that the need to feel "desired" by your partner is a biggie. You need to feel that your partner only has eyes for you, even if we know that's not human nature, men and women both need to feel that anyway - particularly women. Women need to feel desired by their partner while men need to feel appreciated by their partner.

So when you do things that do the exact opposite, and you direct your attentions to others instead - then you risk losing your partner. And when you don't see that as a big deal, it signals you're not mature enough to know any better.

"I'm also with a man that hasn't given me any reason to have trust issues..."

Exactly. Your husband is as you put it "old school" which to me translates as "mature and wise." It makes all the difference when choosing a partner for life. And I've always said that it's been my experience that the guys out there crying all the time about how many effed up women are out there, how they're all crazy, jealous, etc.....are ALWAYS the biggest offenders. They are ALWAYS the men CREATING all these effed up women they're referring to - because they're immature and ignorant and don't have the slightest clue about what it really takes to have a healthy relationship and fulfill each others emotional needs properly.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I'm thinking that your friend here is simply a bit emotionally immature and probably a bit insecure as well (needy of female attentions, so he stirs them up in order to have them reflected back to him in the form of reciprocal compliments from these women), And unfortunately, immature, insecure men do NOT make good boyfriends, husbands or lovers...and stuff like this is exactly why. They're simply not capable of fulfilling their partners needs because their own hangups cause self-defeating behaviors that sabotage their relationships :-(

pisces girl said...

Hi Mirror-Pisces girl here..:)).I have enjoyed reading your recent replies to posts made -always enlightening and thought provoking. I have put many of the knowledge and skills I have learned from this site to use in the dating world and it has proved very beneficial for me in my relations with men..but I am not perfect and sometimes one guy can come along and make you lose all your good senses especially if there is alcohol involved......I met him at the gym and there is only one word to describe him....Dreamy.... actually two words Dreamy and Dapper.....he could literally take my breath away -hes 6'1, perfect physique, blonde hair, blue eyes..just physically perfect and genetically blessed (no exaggeration). I would never talk to him at the gym when I seen him because the one time he said he would message me he never did i think it surprised him that i wouldn't talk to him at the gym but I have seen him out a couple times and he would always approach me and buy me a drink and stick around me the whole night so i would talk to him then. I was actually so surprised that a guy so seemingly perfect like him would have any interest in me at all. I always have butterflies every time I see him and try to conceal my nervousness and lack of confidence/insecurities as best as I can(alcohol helps) I know a lot of people tell me im attractive now but sometimes I still feel like that chubby girl in junior high who was bullied and teased so much for the way I looked and that really sticks with you.....(continued)

pisces girl said...

Anyways last couple of times I seen him out we would talk and dance and flirt and the night would end with him telling me he wanted to take me home with him..i would always decline and tell him im not that kind of girl and I was leaving with my friends and I would..im sure he was kind of surprised by my declining his offer because I could imagine a whole herd of females throwing themselves at him and there I was turning down the offer. A couple weekends ago we were texting and he said he wanted to take me for dinner and teach me how to skate because he plays hockey and i said id like to but then i never heard from him after that. I was pretty disappointed as i had been thinking of him but i did not text him at all. So this past weekend i was out with some friends and who do i see none other than mr dapper -looking so good as always and he came up and approached me again. This time i was more standoffish though since the last communication i had with him had been a couple weeks prior. I couldn't hide my disappointment and basically turned away from him. He asked me why i was so anxious when i talked to him..i didn't wanna bother explaining in the bar so he turned and walked away from me..so i started talking to other guys but i was still keeping my eye out on him and i seen him talking to a really pretty girl with long hair and i could tell she was pretty giddy to be talking to him it definitely made me a little jealous so after that i ended up talking to him again and asked him what he was drinking-he asked me if he could get me a drink i agreed we walked over to the bar and i asked for a double which i had been drinking for most of the night..i just get really nervous and insecure when i see him and the alcohol helps to calm my nerves.. long story short i ended up leaving with him...i can honestly say that in all my years of going out i have never just took off with a guy like that i didn't even tell my best friend i was leaving- with him i just seemed to lose all my senses and throw the alcohol into the mix and it was a wrap! i don't even remember how the conversation went,,,i just remember getting into the cab and ending up in his house and in his bed,,,,he finally got what he wanted.We had sex and we didn't even use protection. It had literally been 7 months for me since my last messed up relationship and i was trying to hold out for someone really special and here he comes along and all that flies out the window and on top of him getting sex i couldn't stop telling him how attractive he was im sure i blew his head up even more....(continued)

pisces girl said...

Im sure he has a rotation of women including the one he was talking to that night. The next day he had a really bad hangover but he drove me to my car and i hugged him and we parted ways. I didn't feel much warmth from him though not very surprising..when i left i said i still expect him to take me for dinner sometime and there wasn't much of a response to that. My best friend said she tried to talk to him a bit the night before to try to get to know him a little better but she found him to be cold and not have a sense of humour. As much as i wanna say i regret having sex with him i cant say i do entirely not because it was that great or anything but it made that girl in junior high feel kind of vindicated like i could finally get a guy like that's attention. I know that sounds crazy but its true. Im sure it was another win for him but It was kind of a win for me in a sense. i knew i didnt want a relationship with him though because hes not emotionally mature enough and ready to give up his herd of females and sacrifice for one woman. He's also a bad boy in other aspects of his life and with some of the things that he's involved in to make money. Not surprisingly at all i haven't received any text from him since i seen him Friday night and i haven't messaged him either. Im not sure if ill even talk to him at the gym when i see him. I know i wouldn't want a relationship with him so in this case since all the rules have already been broken would it be ok to message him? im genuinely very attracted to him and i think this could be a situation where i don't allow my emotions to become invested because i wouldn't ever want a relationship with him. IS there any way you could still set yourself apart from other women after you have had sex with a guy too soon?thanks mirror xo

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Pisces Girl,
"IS there any way you could still set yourself apart from other women after you have had sex with a guy too soon?"

The way to differentiate yourself from other women is to not be predictable - to NOT do the things most other women would do. And what's the thing most other women would do? They would begin to pursue him (contact him, follow him around, stay on his radar, etc.)

So if you want to differentiate yourself from other women and throw him for a loop so that he thinks of you, the way to do that is to NOT do what he EXPECTS women to do....which is pursue him (contact him).

"I know i wouldn't want a relationship with him so in this case since all the rules have already been broken would it be ok to message him? im genuinely very attracted to him and i think this could be a situation where i don't allow my emotions to become invested because i wouldn't ever want a relationship with him."

You're free to do as you please dear. BUT...you are very attracted to this man. So to think that if you continue sleeping with him that WON'T INCREASE...isn't very realistic I don't think. Because the reality is that you're deeply attracted to him and you're considering pursuing him as a result. If you do that, and you sleep with him a few more times, there's a very high likelihood that your attractions would increase dear, and that you would begin to develop emotions for him. And in the end, with a guy like this who's probably not looking for a relationship, that would result in a heartbreak :-(

Women bond through sex, unlike men. So more sex equals more bonding. Layer a deep attraction onto that and voila' - emotions will eventually come into play.

So just think about that dear before you make any moves here ;-)

PiscesGirl said...

Mirror thank you you're absolutely right given the sexual attraction and knowing myself I don't think I could have sex with him and not catch feelings. I thought of texting him to ask him of he came across my leather jacket which I lost the night I was with him. It was my favorite jacket which I've had for years and actually has sentimental value . I may have left it in the cab or at his house but I don't have want him to think its an excuse to message him. I also lost a really nice pair of earrings but I'll have to just let it go I guess. I will just set myself apart by being a non chasing woman I think that's what attracted him in the first place. I wouldn't talk to him at the gym and I wouldn't leave with him at the end of the night. I'm not really sure how iI should act next time I see him though. I think my best bet is just to mirror his behavior

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
@Does this change things?@am I wasting my time?

You are absolutely right in the hookup part of it. I decided that I was going to treat him exactly how I was being treated and so far I've gotten him to text me and actually cuddle,hug, kiss and sleep without any sexual intercourse. He still acted the same. Not distant or less romantic and even more of his family and friends from the store have noticed. Only thing is he hasn't told me his last name. I thought it was weird considering he knows so much of my personal information. But I figured maybe he'll tell me in person. On a side note, I feel safe when I'm with him and can feel love. But I also get the vibe that he's insecure and is trying to protect his heart. Idk how true that is since his last girlfriend was three years ago, mine was 4yrs ago. So you can see why I continue with him lol. I have started to look around for other men. I can't keep waiting,actually I don't want to keep waiting for him to decide he wants a relationship versus a hookup. I might still take him up on his hookup offers though as bad as it sounds.

Anonymous said...

Mirror just wanted to update. @Am i wasting my time@does this change things?

So the reason he hadn't told me his last name was because he was on several social media sites as a man in his late twenties and not late thirties like he claimed. I don't care about age, but just wondered why lie about it to make yourself older? It turns out he thought I wouldn't want to be with him if I knew that I was at least 10yrs older than him. I told him that was crazy cause I didn't really care about age if he didn't. So we're still seeing each other even after I gave my requests. I decided I would just tell him what I felt and if he didn't like it he could leave me alone. Despite our age difference, he doesn't seem to want to leave me and so far we get along pretty well and no one ever thinks that I'm older. Lol. Which is great for me lol. It's still early, it's only been 5 weeks, but hopefully I can get a few more weeks in lol.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 25, 11:08 PM,
"he hadn't told me his last name was because he was on several social media sites as a man in his late twenties and not late thirties like he claimed"

I don't want to burst your bubble here dear - but be VERY careful here.

I think you're skipping over and dismissing what should be a HUGE red flag for you. Think about it...this man is lying. He's out there impersonating a much younger man than who he truly is on social media sites. If he's doing that, if he's lying about that - what else is he lying about?

Because where there's smoke, there's fire. Meaning, where there's one lie, there's probably more. And if this man is willing to start a relationship off based on a lie...he's probably willing to lie about a lot of other things in order to manipulate things into going his way as well. And when you know this going into it, when you've seen first hand what he's capable of and you go into it anyway...if you eventually find out there's a lot more he's lying about, or he lies to you again and hurts you...you're not going to have anyone to blame but yourself dear, because the writing was on the wall and you dismissed the warning and proceeded anyway, ya' know? Just give that some thought dear, this man's already signaling to you that he's not to be trusted :-(

Anonymous said...

@He hadn't told me his last name...

I tried again to move on, because I do agree that you are right about his lying, but he rather quickly I might add told me that he still wants to see me. When I go by the store or when we're alone, it's always hugs and kisses. Maybe he's relieved that I found out his real age (which is late twenties) but I am being cautious and I am not texting or calling as much as I used to just to guard myself a bit.
I have decided to try and meet other men but I'm having a hard time finding anyone I'm attracted to as much as this guy.
He is an action man so even though he texts very little, when I see him he's all over me. I don't know if that's something he does with everyone. Like I had said before I had never seen him act that with any other girl. He works everyday except for Saturday. (I know because I've seen him there everytime I go)But I do think of the age lie and then I wonder if he's being sweet to me so that I keep sleeping with him. He still tells me I'm beautiful everytime I'm with him and it never looks forced. His hugs and kisses feel real. Maybe I am being swept by this man with his sweet words and I definitely should proceed with caution. But I can't help it in some way. I've thought of just not going to the store but avoiding the situation won't help. Anyway I may be in a rut, or maybe things will progress and he just wants to take his time. And to think this all started with a hookup lol.

Anonymous said...

Update to @he hadn't told me his last name

I ask him yesterday if we were going to meet up and He tells me we are and for me to wait till he calls. I wait and after 2hrs tell him how much more do i need to wait. He replies a couple of minutes and so I say ok. He never calls and so I sent him a text stating I'm not going to wait for you anymore and if you want to see me and are serious about me you can reach out to me. Goodnight. Later. He replied really early in the morning to tell me that he was taking a bath and ended up falling asleep right after. I replied about 40minutes later when I usually reply minutes later and ok. He didn't respond and I realized that I had just been blown off and told that I'm not important or a priority and I'm just a woman who waits for a jerk to call back. I felt really stupid and It finally sunk in everything you've told me. I was trying to make it a minor issue but really it isn't. I want sooo bad to text him a long speech on how he should treat woman and that one day (if not already) a woman is going to hurt him and make him feel like crap. But I know it will not help. Funny thing is he still has me on his friends list, and has changed his profile to show his brother,sister and daughter on three different occasions. I'm finally going to move on and when he calls me I will give him a taste of his own medicine by making him wait. I know I put this on myself because I was too available, too gullible and too easy. for him. I'm never doing that again. Thank you for your advice.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
I would like to ask your opinion on one issue. How would you describe a type of man who after first meeting, start showering you with lots of messages (same day, next day and until i tell them to give me space). I met couple men like this through my experience, i enyoyed talking to them during the date, but after they start giving me too much of attention i run. then they pursue me more and i run more. Its been a while now, since i cut one of them off, and now i am thinking, that this man told me he was in the place where he wanted relationships...and thats what i also want....Is someting wrong with me? Should i be giving such men a chance?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 31, 1:30 PM,
I think it's a red flag people jump into things too quickly dear. It's either a sign of insecurity (hefty "need") or it generally signals a potential player - someone whose intent is to move quick and fast, confusing you to an extent without giving you time to think, so as to get their way.

Most times, things that run fast and burn hot - burn out with equal speed. And while it's perfectly okay to give things like that a chance, you also have to know when to call it quits and walk away if you begin to firmly sense that the others intent to move so quick is for selfish purposes.

Anonymous said...

Thank you MOA for taking time to respond...The men i was talking about are definetely not players, usually i meet them through friends, and they are very nice people, but that neediness is repelling to me..so thats why i am confused.... and i also think that things that run fast and burn hot - burn out with equal speed...

Anonymous said...

Dear MOA,

Thank you for all articles.. I am using lots of rules from them in my dating life now and I agree with them. I would like to ask about your thoughts. In long distance texting, this man always initiates the conversation, but after i while i noticed that that's the only thing he does. I keep the conversation going, so i pulled back and wanted to check him couple times, and he never kept it going, and now he has disappeared. I am thinking now, maybe i appeared too distant, or nonchalant (because I didnt keep the conversation going, though i tried to be friendly and carefree) and he backed off ... How do i talk to him when he texts next time? Any thoughts would help. thank you

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 17, 7:59 AM,
"In long distance texting, this man always initiates the conversation, but after i while i noticed that that's the only thing he does. I keep the conversation going, so i pulled back and wanted to check him couple times, and he never kept it going, and now he has disappeared. I am thinking now, maybe i appeared too distant, or nonchalant (because I didnt keep the conversation going..) and he backed off..."

It's NOT you dear - it's not one little thing you did or didn't do during a couple of texts. The unfortunate reality here is that there were signals being sent through his ACTIONS - prior to those few recent communications even taking place. You sensed it yourself...."after i while i noticed that that's the only thing he does."

And so then you tested him to see if he's genuinely interested, which is the correct thing to do - and unfortunately he disappeared. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. It simply means that you got your answer. And nothing you would've said, done, not done, etc. would've ultimately changed the fact that this man apparently isn't genuinely interested and as a result, he's pulled back :-(

Honestly, it's better that you found out sooner rather than later. Had you not already sensed this and tested him, he could've strung you along for months dear. So be thankful that you filtered him out as not being worth anymore of your time :-)

"How do i talk to him when he texts next time?"

I wouldn't talk to him next time - nor would I respond to him. When a man treats you rudely and ignorantly and just up and disappears on you like that...you do NOT reward him with more of your time and attention. Instead, you show him CONSEQUENCES for his actions towards you, to let him know that you're not a doormat and you don't tolerate poor treatment:


That's how people learn dear - and it's also how they learn how you expect to be treated. Because let's fact it, people can only treat you as poorly as you LET them, ya' know?

Picture it like this. If your dog peed on the living room floor, would you reward it for that behavior with a treat? Probably not. Instead, you would pick the dog up and place it outside, signaling to the dog that when he exhibits that bad behavior, there's a consequence for that - and that consequence is being left alone outside.

NEVER reward bad behavior with more of your time and attention. If you do that, you're effectively encouraging MORE of that behavior, so steer clear of doing that and instead - deliver a consequence.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Mirror for taking time to respond so quickly. My gut feeling lied to me, i tolerated all of this and more treatment for long time, since i got a feeling i could make him happy...But you are right, there is nothing i can do.:(..Thank you again Ms Mirror, for being so nice...:)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 17, 4:47 PM,
"My gut feeling lied to me"

I don't think it was your gut dear - your gut was actually sensing something was "off." I think what happened is that your emotions overrode the logic of your gut, which happens all the time to all kinds of people. So it's nothing to be embarrassed about - it simply means you're human.

"i got a feeling i could make him happy"

That's not really what's important when choosing a mate dear. What's REALLY important is this - is HE capable of making YOU happy? Is this the type of man that's capable of fulfilling your emotional needs? Is this the type of man that's WILLING to fulfill your emotional needs? Is this the RIGHT man for YOU?

Any time a man makes you feel "less" somehow, or "unworthy" or "not good enough" - even if he never says it - if his ACTIONS make you FEEL that way...then you know what? He's NOT the RIGHT man for you dear - because you deserve better than that.

And if that is what was happening here, be glad he's gone. Because he has now freed you to go out and find the RIGHT man for YOU :-)

pisces gir said...

"Any time a man makes you feel "less" somehow, or "unworthy" or "not good enough" - even if he never says it - if his ACTIONS make you FEEL that way...then you know what? He's NOT the RIGHT man for you dear - because you deserve better than that.

And if that is what was happening here, be glad he's gone. Because he has now freed you to go out and find the RIGHT man for YOU "

Thanks Mirror needed to hear those words today. Was feeling pretty down n out. That's what those sort of guys do when you get caught up with them even if it is only for one night..its never harmless because you'll almost always end up feeling bad about yourself after. i seen that douchebag at the gym today. I know you said to avoid going there but I needed to go workout and let off some steam and besides why should I stop going when I pay the monthly membership. Once again he looked right at me and turned away. It really hurts because I knew better I should of trusted my gut feeling about him and stayed away but the drinks and my curiosity about him got the best of me and this is where im at now and it suxs majorly!! I honestly wasn't expecting a relationship with this guy but I didn't think he would do me that dirty and totally ignore me the way that he has been. Its entirely my fault and I take full accountability for my own actions in all of this but sometimes I wish I had another chance to show him who I really am -the smart confident girl that I know that I am and maybe then things would be different now. These guys leave you feeling like less, unworthy, not good enough and question what is wrong with you when the reality is they are the ones with the major issues. I decided to do something for myself that ive been wanting to do for a long time. Im booked to have breast augmentation surgery next month so ill be taking off to the states to get it done. Its going to put a huge dent in my bank account but ive been feeling like this is something Ive been wanting to do for myself and I know it will help with my body confidence. I know true confidence comes from within but it doesn't hurt to feel good about the way you look and maybe feeling insecure the way I have been lately has something to do with me wanting to get in to do it as soon as possible but I also know its something ive thought about for years so its not really impulsive. I just want to go into the new year as a new woman and forget about all the past hurts and disappointments and just be better and feel better. I love the saying -don't get bitter get better and that's exactly what I aim to do. I truly hope that this man gets his karma in life. I know I need to let go of the anger I feel towards him im also angry at myself because I knew better. I hope other women just remember that getting caught up with men who show you through their actions who they really are is never a good idea-you can not change him or make him happy. These men are very selfish and narcissistic and only aim to please themselves so don't even bother wasting your time and getting hurt. Its better to be alone and single and lonely than be with someone who doesn't appreciate you or put in the time and effort to show you that you are valued and make you feel important. Don't learn that lesson the hard way!

Anonymous said...

A while ago you mentioned VH1's Couple's Therapy which I have been watching since you mentioned the show. What did you think of each couple's outcomes?

Looking forward to hearing your comments! Thanks!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 18, 3:35 PM,
"I have been watching since you mentioned the show. What did you think of each couple's outcomes?"

Well, it wasn't so much the outcomes I focused on, so much as - the "work" that was being done. Meaning, did you notice that in order to make these relationships work, each party had to first address issues within THEMSELVES? That was the real message.

And the only outcome that somewhat surprised me was Juan Pablo - because of all the couples, I felt he did the least amount of work on himself, and I also felt that he held a smirk the entire time signaling that the entire experience was much like a joke or a game to him. I don't think he did the work, I think he continues to charm his way through life. The other couples did a lot of work on themselves, and ventured into some very painful, dark places in their life in order to do so. When two people are willing to do that, you can change the outcome. But when only one is doing that, I think eventually - another "wall" will be hit in time.

Anonymous said...

Thanks MOA, and yes, I agree - lots of individual work had to be done first and only then could the couples put things into better perspective, except for that Bachelor guy who left exactly the same way he came because he didn't do any work. As you said, he looked a little too comfortable and pleased with himself the entire time. I believe he didn't WANT to change because he was perfectly comfortable the way things were. I guess he'll keep stringing her along for as long as he can manage and dump her when he finds a gal that he actually wants to say "I love you" to. I kept thinking to myself she needs to walk away! I guess he gives her just enough to keep her around. I know most MOA women on here wouldn't stand for that. In the past, we may have tolerated crap like that but not anymore!

piscesgirl said...

Hi there Mirror- i sometimes look back at previous posts i wrote and looking back in retrospect i see how everything you said is the truth ie "if you want a relationship - hooking up is NOT the route you take. Hooking up leads to brief flings and affairs, not long lasting commitment. Things that start off fast and hot, tend to burn out just as quickly as they started. The path to a long lasting, committed relationship is not through sex." that is a fact and i tried to justify hooking up with gym guy by telling myself he is someone i wouldnt want a relationship with so it was ok to have a hookup but i still got burned when i didnt hear from him after and then i got burned again when i did the one thing that you told me not to do which is contact him by texting him and he ignorned it "The way to differentiate yourself from other women is to not be predictable - to NOT do the things most other women would do. And what's the thing most other women would do? They would begin to pursue him (contact him, follow him around, stay on his radar, etc.)" i blew it with that one stupid text by making it known to him that i was thinking about him and i considered him a temptation that i just couldnt resist so i needed to "keep my distance" as if i cant control myself and my actions -i dont even know why i said that because i wasnt that into it either but i thought it would at least make things less awkward the next time i seen him. I wish i could go back to that night when i left with him and tell him the same thing i told him on other nights " im not that kind of girl so i wont be leaving with you" ..but what's done is done and i know i shouldnt keep ruminating over this in my mind again and again. Like the other ladies here i spend so much time replaying the course of events in my mind thinking about what was done and said and keeping my mental energy and focus fixated on him meanwhile he's off living his life probably not even spending a moment of his time thinking about me..im sure he moved on the very next day......the only right thing im doing now is not paying him the time of day at the gym when i see him and im not contacting him at all. I hope that at least surprises him and makes him think im a little different than most girls and youre right he doesnt need to know what im thinking or what is giving me the confidence to waltz by him and have a smile on my face -i know and thats good enough for me

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA - I'm a big fan of your blog, thank you big time! :-)

There is this guy (I briefly wrote about him before) that I met online over a year ago and went on 3 dates with (we're early 30s). After the 2nd date, I was giving him signals that I was open for a kiss but he came close to me and then stepped back (almost as if he was shy?). A few days later he tells me he's going to be at a party that evening and begins texting me from there when he's a bit drunk and asks if he can come over to which I said no. We later got over it and were joking about it (my gut tells me he felt like he let himself down by not taking his chance to kiss me then and so he tried to make up for it with the booty call; he also admitted to me that he was a 'late bloomer' so I don't know if he's a little bit behind the programme to be honest).

Anyway a few days after that he initiated a conversation about whether he is actually my type. I didn't respond for many hours so he said it's ok, he gets it. I said that I do like him and then he says if we both like each other then why wait for things to happen. I said I'm lookign for a relationship and he said he's open to that if feelings develop. He said he finds me seductive and interesting but it felt to him like I was looking for husband and part of him is scared about such upfront committment. We finally decided to see how things go and went on one further date where again nothing physical happened and then he stopped asking me out. I tried to ask him out a few times but he said he was busy or out of town each time.

Yet, he kept in touch with me randomly texting me every few weeks until about january this year. He then went quite until 2 months ago (though I still saw him on a couple of dating websites - he visited my profile but I didn't recipricate). He texts me asking how I am. I responded 4 days later and he wanted to know if I was seeing anyone. I tried to avoid the question. Then sometime later, I asked for his help with something and he was super nice and even came over to help and was a real gentleman (I do think he's a really nice guy actually). He spent quite a bit of time and effort helping me.

We also get along super well and have a lot in common. He sent me something related to his work which I am very interested in etc. I know we both like each other. But he doesn't seem to want to ask me out and I don't get it. What do you think the deal is? I should also mention we come from different countries/cultures/races so could it be he's hesitant on those grounds? He's always been super nice and helpful to me and we have great conversations (he said himself that he found them enjoyable).

MOA please help and tell me what he is thinking. If he's not interested, why be so nice and why keep in touch every few months?? Obviously if he can risk losing me to another guy, he's not that interested. But I don't understand why.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 29, 5:24 PM,
"he doesn't seem to want to ask me out and I don't get it. What do you think the deal is?"

He already told you what the deal was when he said "it felt to him like I was looking for husband and part of him is scared about such upfront committment."

He knows you want a relationship, and he isn't ready for one, which is why he holds back.

"If he's not interested, why be so nice and why keep in touch every few months?"

Well he's not interested in a relationship. But that doesn't mean he's not interested in casually dating/hooking up with you (which is what my gut suspects he's seeking) - which is why he's probably keeping the lines open as an option.

"Obviously if he can risk losing me to another guy, he's not that interested. But I don't understand why."

Well he's explained that the reason is because he's not ready for a commitment. But again, as I stated previously, it does appear he'd be open to hanging out and hooking up, which if I were you, I would not do. Because his desire to remain non-committal would cause him to disappear shortly after that happened, because in the end, it still would not change the fact that he's not ready for a relationship/commitment :-(

Anonymous said...

girls have a higher level of emotion than men? Most sexist thing I've ever heard. Some men are far more sensitive than any women. We take offence to bullshit lists like the above. What if we've been hurt in the past by unfaithful women? Gave everything we could and got fucked over? Men and Women are equal. This game works both ways

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Male Dec 1, 7:56 PM,
@Anonymous Male Dec 1, 7:56 PM,
"girls have a higher level of emotion than men? Most sexist thing I've ever heard."

What the article actually says is "....they don’t have the complex range of emotions that women have." And there are studies that show just that:

"Men generally have more connections within each hemisphere and between the front and back of the brain. In women the stronger connections usually run from side to side, between the left and right hemispheres.

In essence, what this means is that men are more logical and better at coordination and spatial awareness. Women are more intuitive, have greater 'emotional intelligence' and better memories for words and faces."

"Women are faster and more accurate at identifying emotions," says Ruben Gur, PhD, a neurologist at the University of Pennsylvania. Studies have shown women to be more adept than men at encoding facial differences and determining changing vocal intonations."

"We take offence to bullshit lists like the above."

Okay so if I understand correctly, what you're saying is that it's okay for a man to take days and weeks to respond to texts, it's okay for a man to never ask a woman's last name, it's okay to be aggressive about sex, it's okay to not be a gentleman and instead expect her to pay for everything, it's okay to talk about your ex all the time, it's okay to hide your phone, it's okay to be late all the time, it's okay to say one thing and do another...and that women shouldn't take offense to THAT? Are you saying that women shouldn't be offended by that type of behavior and disrespect?

What if some dude treated your mother like that? Or your sister, or your daughter? Would you be offended by that behavior then? You're offended by what's written here and the fact that I've pointed these things out - but you're NOT offended that men are out there treating women like this daily? And you wouldn't be offended if some guy treated your mother, sister or daughter like this???

Bottom line is that what is written here will be offensive only to those who are actually guilty of doing these things.

Gentlemen however, meaning men who do NOT treat women poorly, will not take offense to this because - they actually see this behavior as offensive in and of itself. Gentlemen view it as offensive to treat a woman like this. Gentlemen would NEVER stand for a man treating any woman around them like this. Gentlemen will not be offended by what is written here - because absolutely none of it applies to them. They're wise enough to see the difference between immature punks and respectful grown men, and to also determine that what is written here applies to immature punks, and not true gentlemen. And because of that, there's no insult to true gentlemen here whatsoever, because they'd never treat a woman like this in the first place.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"What if we've been hurt in the past by unfaithful women? Gave everything we could and got effed over?"

Then in that case, I suspect that much of this would apply - to the woman. So if you're dating a woman who is treating you poorly and taking you and your kindness for granted, and committing the above offenses...I'd suggest you walk away and distance yourself from her immediately.

"Men and women are equal. This game works both ways"

The only game being played here is the one that those committing these offenses are playing by manipulating others emotionally. This article is about respect and not permitting others to "act upon you" and victimize you. It's about being able to identify when that is happening - and being smart enough to walk away.

Anonymous said...

I have been reading through your blogs for a couple of days now after noticing some changes in the guy I have been talking with over the last four months, so here is my story:

I met a man online (31, Taurus), I am a Scorpio, 34. We instantly hit it off, we are both from the same state and moved away from home and now in two different states.In the beginning we both said that we weren't looking for a relationship, but if something came along we would be open to consider it (both having previous bad relationships in the year prior). The first three months we spent time together, texting and via skype, almost every waking moment, I didn't have school or work. He would text me every morning to say "Good Morning Sexxxy." It even got to the point we would watch movies together and fall asleep with each other on skype. We never got bored or tired of seeing each other.

During the second month, his grandmother made plans to visit the state I live and wanted him to accompany her, since she couldn't drive. He was unsure, but I talked over with him, and also it would be good to work on spending time with his father. My birthday came around and he had plans to spend the weekend with family, but included me, skyped me and introduced me to his cousins, and we fell asleep together on cam. At some point during this time, he shocked me and text me and said, "missss you," to which I replied "miss you too."

During the 3rd month he made arrangements to come visit, and we made plans to spend time. The time came around and his first weekend here, we spent the weekend together, it was hot and heavy, and yes we ended up sleeping together, but also spending time, going out to walks in the park, stayed up all night watching movies and playing games, we had fun all weekend. Communication was still like it had been, nothing changed, he text like usual, skyped, and even said, "missss you," again. He wanted to spend another weekend with me, which was the weekend before Thanksgiving, we went fishing, spent time cuddling, watching movies, it was cold out, and our finances wasn't much, so we spent the weekend indoors, but none the less enjoyed ourselves. I asked him when he says he likes me or is interested in me, what does he mean, he replied, "in a be together way." I made my feelings known to him as well, that it was mutual. He had been super affectionate, attentive, we laid in each others arms for hours on end, cuddling, and pecks of kissing.

During the next week, I noticed the changes, he didn't want to skype as much, he changed his kissing emoji's from kisses to sticking his tongue out (claiming it was french kiss...I knew that was BS, called him on it), He didn't know when he was going to see me next, but then ended up coming over for one night before Thanksgiving (that should have been my first red flag), and he spent the weekend with his family for Thanksgiving. Of course I am away from family, so I ended up going over a friend’s house.

To Be Continued...

Anonymous said...

Taurus Man (31), Scorpio Woman (34)... Continued

After the holiday, I asked him if he wanted to go for coffee, ice cream, go fishing or other places, he would give me the "idk, maybe, etc. excuses." I thought to myself this is strange, why is he acting this way, so I asked him why the switch, I notice things aren't sitting to well with how he is changing.I even explained I was hurt by his actions, because they aren't consistant from how he had been acting with me, super affectionate, etc.

During his last weekend, which was again only one night (he had plans with his dad and grandma to do some shopping before he leaves to visit his mom and son in another state), as I was cuddling with him on the couch he opened his email, and noticed messages from different women, calling him "baby", "can't wait to see you,"and one named "wifey." All along he has been saying there was no other women he was interested in, but his convinced me I was not the only one and before, I would tease him about the women he called "home girls." He always denied any sexual relations with them.

I had made many attempts throughout the last week and a half to clarify where I stand with him. Last night, because I felt I was being played and strung along and made him aware I knew of the other women he kept around, which he said he knew I was looking (how could I not, it was open while I was laying on his shoulder). Then he went on saying that I knew he wasn't ready for a relationship in the beginning (ummm yeah 3-4 months ago, S**t changes), that he wasn't into long distance, etc. He expressed that at one point he was emotionally invested, but then when he contemplated the long distance, it made him back away (probably around the time I started noticing the switch).
I felt like really stupid, because the more and more I read these posts, it feels like I really made a big mistake and this man has been playing me for the last 3-4 months. I was confused, because during this time, I had spoken with his mother (which he allowed, she mentioned she wanted to “meet me” in person), met his father and grandmother, on a couple occasions (within the last week mind you). Yet, again he slowed down his texts, been giving me one word responses, taking a bit longer, so I started to mirror him and not be quick to respond.

I feel so confused, hurt, stupid, and humiliated that I allowed myself to be blinded. I feel like I ended up being a booty call. He claims it wasn't just about the sex, that he really enjoyed being around me and the fun we have together, that I have a good personality, etc. Yet, I get the cold shoulder and barely no contact.

I haven't contacted him, accept for an emoji he sent and I replied back with one and just a Good morning, and he replied back "Good morning Sexxy", I left 20-30 min in between messages. I told him to have a good day whatever he has planned, that I am about to handle some business and he can text me anytime. All I got was a "same to you" and "Fosho" Seriously WTH? I have been crying my heart out after I left my school. Is it even worth playing this mirroring act with him? Is he confused? WTH is going on?

Anonymous said...

So my story is he added me on a social network website nearly 2 years ago and we had a general chit chat. He then went on to tell me about his failed marriage and how he was forced into it cause she got pregnant at a young age. He ended up having 4 children with her but that did not work out he then went on to tell me he had another relationship where he also had a child with the women but she made a fool out of him. I felt bad bad for him and gave him a shoulder to cry on. He told me I was gorgeous and stunning which I thanked him for, We met up after a few weeks of talking online I thought it went well he tried to get me back to the hotel which I said no to. After the meet it took him 5 weeks to get back to me I invited him over here to a match of a team that we both support he declined saying he met someone and did not think it was a good idea it all went under the carpet and we kept in contact. fast forward to 4 weeks ago he was single again and he came over here again to meet me again 1 thing led to another he told me that his own sister said he was a good looking guy but he was not looking for a relationship cause he was so busy with his life (work and kids) I understood we went back to his hotel room and he took my virginity (I wanted to keep myself for someone special and he knew that and I thought he was) then last week I was talking to him again he said to me that all of these messages will have to stop because he is now in a relationship and he did not want to lose this woman. I was upset asked him why he told me me just 3 weeks before he told me he did not want a relationship his excuse was "she likes me" So Mirror I told him I felt used which he got pissed off about. He is in his early 40s where as I am only in my late 20s what the hell is wrong with this guy? sorry for ranting on

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 15, 4:17 PM,
"he went on saying that I knew he wasn't ready for a relationship in the beginning (ummm yeah 3-4 months ago, S**t changes), that he wasn't into long distance, etc."

Well, small things can change over time - but committing to another person isn't small, it's big. It's a lifestyle change. And when men say they don't want a relationship or commitment, that's what they mean. And no amount of sex or time spent together is generally going to compel them to have a huge shift that requires making a lifestyle change like that.

If they like living a single lifestyle - and they're receiving sex while doing so - nothing is going to compel them to want to make a huge switch to a committed lifestyle, to receive sex from only one individual, ya' know?

So when men say they don't want a relationship - take them at their word from day one. Because like I said, no amount of sex or time spent together generally ends up having any effect on their lifestyle choices as a whole.

"I feel so confused, hurt, stupid, and humiliated that I allowed myself to be blinded."

I know dear. I know how rotten a feeling that is. But don't let it consume you, and don't beat yourself up. It's a mistake - just one mistake that's all - and it's only a man - just one man on a planet full of men. He's not the Pope, he's not a rockstar, he's not on Forbe's most powerful people list....he's just another guy dear, that's all. And there are lots more of them out there. You're not the first woman this has happened to, and sadly, you probably won't be the last. Either way, don't beat yourself up for having a heart.

"Is he confused?"

Probably not dear. He is who he is. When you met him, he was a man that didn't want a committed relationship. And today - he's still that same man ya' know? He is who he is - he's someone that didn't want a commitment then - and doesn't want a commitment now :-(

"Is it even worth playing this mirroring act with him?"

Nope. At best, that will help you keep "balance" and level the playing field a bit, so you don't get completely run over. But what he really needs now - is a CONSEQUENCE. What's the consequence for his decision? No more access to you. That's the consequence. He's entitled to not want a relationship. He's within his rights there. But what he's NOT entitled to - is to have you place your wishes and dreams for you life aside - simply to appease him. He's not entitled to think you'll continue giving yourself to him, or making yourself available to him.

If he's firm on not wanting a commitment, that's fine. But for every action, there's a reaction. And your reaction, knowing what you know now and seeing that it won't change, should be to CUT HIM OFF - period - for YOUR own good, and your emotional sanity:


If you continue making yourself available to him, to talk, to spend time, providing him with sex, etc. - all of it - this will NOT get better. It will NOT change him or his lifestyle choices. It will only string things out painfully, and it will keep you from meeting a man that wants what you want, and is willing to give that to you :-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 16, 5:41 AM,
"how he was forced into it cause she got pregnant at a young age"

Forced? As if HE had nothing to do with the outcome, and he was a victim? Yea, not buying that one. It takes two to tango.

"He ended up having 4 children with her"

So wait....he was "forced" to marry a girl he didn't really love because of a pregnancy - but he carried on and got her pregnant THREE MORE times? This isn't adding up.

"he had another relationship where he also had a child with the women but she made a fool out of him"

Okay so now - we're on his FIFTH child, and he's been the "victim" each time? I don't think so. He's not a victim...he's an IRRESPONSIBLE, CARELESS guy. Does he know condoms exist? If it was a mistake the first time, then why did he make the same mistake another FOUR times? I'm calling BS on this one.

"We met up after a few weeks of talking online I thought it went well he tried to get me back to the hotel which I said no to."

Good thing - or you may have ended up the mother of his SIXTH child. Sigh...this guy's a trip.

"he told me that his own sister said he was a good looking guy"

Umm - that's just weird. Is he a narcissist? Why does he go around bragging about how good looking he is? Is that what he does - charm his way through life, while he leaves nothing but damage and broken families in his wake?

"I understood we went back to his hotel room and he took my virginity"

Oh - no :-(

"I was talking to him again he said to me that all of these messages will have to stop because he is now in a relationship"

That's laughable - I bet he considers a two or three month "fling" a relationship. This guy's a serial dater - a charmer - and an all-out player.

"what the hell is wrong with this guy?"

He's messed up dear - REALLY messed up. He's playing the victim here, while he's running around destroying lives and leaving devastation in his wake. He sounds incredibly irresponsible, and it wouldn't surprise me to hear that WE are all footing the bill for raising HIS kids. I'm not sure how it works in each state, but where I'm at, only 3 women can collect child support. That means that anyone beyond the 3rd child - that child loses out.

And I highly doubt this man is footing the bill to care for FIVE children. And if he's not caring for his own children, guess what? He's NEVER going to care about ANYONE but HIMSELF.

This guy should have a big "danger" sign blinking on his forehead. He's a terrible man. He sounds like a narcissist, and he'll never change dear. By the time you hit your 40's - generally speaking - you are who you are. This guy's trouble dear - TROUBLE. Stay away from him, don't accept anymore calls from him, don't contact him, don't text him, don't answer his texts - just cut him off completely and don't look back.

And be thankful that he didn't get you pregnant - and leave you on your own, without a dime to provide a quality life for you baby.

God, what an A-hole! Forget him dear, please forget him. He's not worth the sh*t on your shoe, trust me.

Msmarvelfreak said...

Hello mirror,
I just want to get your take on this guy I met on-line. It's one I haven't heard before and I'd love to hear your opinion.
So I met this 49 year old libra for coffee this weekend - he's extremely attractive, tall, fit and seems very engaging. However in the course of our conversation he told me that he used to be a sex addict!
And that he cheated on his second wife repeatedly over the years. He insists that he is reformed and has changed his ways saying that he knows he caused a great deal of pain to others and himself. My question is what does being a sex addict entail and do you think a man can really change this type of behavior?
During our date he asked all sorts of sexual questions and texted me that he needs me (lol). Obviously he's really strange - or maybe I'm just naive I was married for 20 years and am dating for the first time and meeting some really strange men LOL.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"he told me that he used to be a sex addict! And that he cheated on his second wife repeatedly over the years. He insists that he is reformed and has changed his ways saying that he knows he caused a great deal of pain to others and himself. . .do you think a man can really change this type of behavior"

In some rare cases, yea it may be possible. But as with any addiction, relapse is a part of recovery and you don't know how far along he is in his so-called "recovery" - and if he's not solid in it, say for a couple of years, then he's still in "relapse" territory, and I'd suggest you avoid becoming a part of that process.

And I say "so-called" recovery because of this:

"During our date he asked all sorts of sexual questions and texted me that he needs me"

That doesn't sound like recovery to me at all. As a result, I'm simply not buying what he's selling here, ya' know? He sounds like bad news to become involved with if you're seeking an authentic relationship of any sort :-(

Anonymous said...

Great post and you are reminding me of this man I know, he admitted that he is a player but he hits and teases me continuously. I was thinking he is just making me jealous or something!!!

He talks about his girlfriendS like saying oh I go with her to Victoria secret and pay attention to what she wears or saying that one is not good in bed!!!

Anonymous said...

Curious of hear your thoughts on this MOA!

I've been in a long distance relationship for six months with a great guy. He's coming home soon and looking for a place - unfortunately he's been having bad luck with finding roommates.

Surprise today: he found one, and goodie, it's a girl haha! A student of his (he is a trainer) who apparently "desperately" needs a roommate. Not wanting to sound like an insecure b****, when he asked me if I would be ok with it, I said yes immediately...but now that I've had some time to think about it, I'm not quite sure how I feel. The entire time he was away, he gave me NO reason not to trust him. And during those travels, he's had to move around and room with females. So I don't know why I'm suddenly feeling so insecure about it!

Should I talk to him about it? And do you think it's possible for males and females to live together platonically in this day and age?

Thanks Mirror xx

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 3, 10:26 PM,
"Should I talk to him about it?"

I wouldn't - until there's actually something to talk about besides your insecurities, ya' know? Because at this point, the only things to discuss are fears. And they haven't actually taken place. So there's no point in discussing what may or may not happen, because it will taint the situation negatively.

However, if he hasn't actually moved in yet, you can mention that maybe this isn't what your relationship needs right now, it may cause undue stress on the relationship, and suggest that if there are other options, he should probably explore them.

But revealing your fears in a full blown fashion isn't advisable, and won't stop anything that may or may not end up happening - from happening. And by that I mean, when someone fears their significant other may cheat, or could be drawn into something like that. . .no amount of talking or trying to preempt the situation will actually stop it from happening. If someone wants to cheat, they're going to cheat. One way or another, they'll find a way to pull it off. And if you signal to them that you're looking or waiting for that, all that will happen is they'll be more savvy about pulling it off, and it'll be harder for you to discover it's going on. So in the end, revealing fears about that and attempting to talk through them really doesn't stop anything from happening. If someone is determined to cheat, they're going to do it no matter how much talking takes place first.

"And do you think it's possible for males and females to live together platonically in this day and age?"

I do - IF they are mature individuals whose moral compasses are not pointing South. If they are an individual of strong morals, are emotionally mature, do not drink heavily or use substances and party, or participate in and entertain flirting and toying with the opposite sex for attention. . .if they are "solid" stable individuals, then it can be done successfully.

However, if they have emotional problems, an addictive personality, lack maturity, don't know the meaning of the word morals, or seek attention regularly from the opposite sex due to insecurity. . .then it's a recipe for disaster.

BUT - I will say this. I do not think that a man or a woman that is in a committed relationship should be living with a member of the opposite sex that isn't their significant other. I don't think it's healthy for the relationship or individuals involved, I think it can cause lots of unnecessary stress, it can put a hefty strain on the relationship and it can cause a lot of anxiety and instability.

It's one thing if you're single, because it's only YOU that's affected by the situation. It's a whole other thing when you're in a committed relationship. Because now it's not only you that can be affected - your situation is going to affect someone else OTHER than you. And if you care for this person, you will not put them through this and ask this much of them. Instead, your relationship should be more important - protecting it should be more important. Important enough to wait a bit longer until an appropriate situation comes along instead.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Because here's the thing. Your significant other can remain committed and never even consider stepping outside the relationship. . .but what about the person they're living with? How are they going to act? Are they going to respect your relationship, or are they going to challenge it at every single turn? Or are they going to attempt to undermine it by speaking negatively all the time about relationships and trying to convince the individual that being single is better? Or are they going to prance around in inappropriate attire all day and night? Or are they going to flirt and challenge the individuals happiness? Or are they going to turn stalker-like in an imaginary obsession?

Now granted, some of those are drastic but hey, we're all only human and things like that happen every day. And you really don't know how stable the individual that's becoming the other roommate is - or if they will decide to disrespect, challenge and undermine your relationship.

In the end, I don't think it's worth the risk for a committed couple to test their relationship to this extent. And I don't think it's fair to expect the significant other to endure it. . .because it amounts to permitting a third person to enter into the relationship more or less.

So if he hasn't actually moved in yet, I'd probably suggest that this situation really isn't necessary and protecting your relationship from the possible influences of a third person is more important.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

Me again - I told him how I felt in the best way I knew how, that it would cause unnecessary stress and suggested helping him find a new place even. He told me he was tired of looking for a new place when he is supposed to be enjoying his last few days away. As I said, because he knows her he has a good gut feeling about her and he hopes I can respect this decision.

Unfortunately I had spent the whole day really upset about this so when he told me that I basically went ballistic (whoops) with some jealous accusations, and told him this stems from the fact that I have been cheated on before. He told me he has been cheated on before as well, so he understands where I am coming from, but can't change my feelings. For him it feels like the right thing to do. He already talked to her about the fact that he wants no bullshit between them, that "it's f******* stupid to hookup with a roommate" and while she is physically attractive, he is not attracted to her nor does he have any feelings for her. He went on to say that because of her lifestyle and the fact that it is similar to ours, he thinks she would be a good roommate. But he is sick of trying to find someone new.

I realized that I am prematurely judging her and making unfair statements. I still don't prefer the situation, but I am loathe to let a good guy go when he has absolutely never given me a reason to distrust him. I told him I want to deal with my insecurities and it would be great to meet her. (Trying to save myself and be mature about it, haha).

I know I dealt with it the wrong way, but have I screwed myself over entirely by agreeing to this situation?

The way I see it, he is going to do it whether or not I am in the picture. What is worse, he says, is if I repress how I feel throughout his time there, as it would be unhealthy for both of us and we should end on good terms if I can't handle it. I want to get over my past insecurities and not judge him based on them, as I feel he has done nothing to prove he shouldn't be given the benefit of the doubt during our six months in a relationship.


Anonymous said...

February 3 10:26
Having the opposite sex as a roommate is never "OK" honey. You could say something like this: "Well, is not that I don't trust you, but maybe she is not going to respect your space. It's so much easier and fun for a guy to have another guy as a roommate rather than a girl" and give him something to think about. Women lose so much because they don't speak their minds, If it was the other way around I bet he would be very annoyed, trust me.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"he is going to do it whether or not I am in the picture. What is worse, he says, is if I repress how I feel throughout his time there, as it would be unhealthy for both of us and we should end on good terms if I can't handle it."

WOW. Okay well. . .this puts an entirely new spin on the situation.

I know you speak highly of him dear, and you feel he's a good man. But NOW you need to revisit your opinion of him, because let me tell you, a good man who loves his woman - would NOT toss her aside and disrespect and disregard her feelings. . .over a damn roommate.

This guy is willing to end the relationship and let you go - over a rooommate situation dear. And on top of that, it appears that he EXPECTS you to be okay with this. So that begs the question - how would HE feel if you moved in with another man next week? I can tell you, he would probably NOT be okay with that.

And if you had a flippant attitude about it, as he does here, with his "my way or the highway" mentality - that would be sure to piss him off, trust me.

So at this time, my suggestion would be to seriously rethink your opinion of this man, because good men do not act this arrogant and self-centered, particularly when they're in love with a woman. When they're in love, they put the woman first because they fear losing her. So you need to realize, this man does NOT fear losing you. And if he doesn't fear losing you - does he really even truly love you then? If he's willing to toss you aside because you're not happy he's taking on a female roommate - does he really even truly love you then? Because no man in his right damn mind would expect a woman, or himself if the shoe were on the other foot, to be okay with this.

I don't think he's a good man dear. I'm sorry - but I don't. Good men don't treat the woman in their life as "disposable" - period, case closed.

Additionally, he's asking you to tolerate a situation that could actually do some serious emotional damage to you, not to mention cause you a lot of anxiety, stress, worry and undermine your self-esteem. And if you ask me. . .no man on the planet is worth that high a price dear. Honestly, you'd be better off alone without him because you wouldn't be putting yourself at risk like that.

If it were me - I'd call this man's bluff. After receiving an attitude like that from him, and him letting me know in no uncertain terms that I am disposable to him. . .I'd inform him that as a woman, I will not reduce myself to tolerating a position in his life that is that of "disposable at whim" and therefore, I'm taking his advice and I'm ending the relationship to save myself the emotional repercussions that are sure to arise from it. I'd explain to him that I love myself, I value myself, and I consider myself worthy of more than a mere disposable status to a man - and that it's regretful that HE made the decision HE did, but that you respect it and have chosen to place yourself first - and I'd walk.

If a man ever came at me like a selfish prick like that and in no uncertain terms signaled that it was his way or the highway and that I was disposable to him - I'd be more than thankful that he revealed his true feelings and his true colors six months into the relationship, so that I didn't get stuck there for years by mistake.

This man isn't ready for a true committed relationship. He is not willing to do the work required to maintain one. He is not willing to make the sacrifices required to maintain one. And he is not acting like a man who is actually in one. He's just disqualified himself as "relationship ready."

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

And it's now time for you to go - and spare yourself from what's about to come.

If you stay, with this man having the attitude towards you that he clearly does, this will NOT go well dear - it will not go well at all. Spare yourself, save your dignity - and WALK. You're only six months in - and he's just revealed himself as anything but the RIGHT man for you.

Those words there, "if I repress how I feel throughout his time there, as it would be unhealthy for both of us and we should end on good terms if I can't handle it" - are fighting words.

And the attitude behind them (whether you flipped out or not has nothing to do with what he's just revealed about how he truly feels about you) is. . ."it's my way or the highway, I lack respect for you and this relationship, and you are disposable to me."

Time to go dear - time to go. NEVER tolerate this type of treatment, or it will only get worse, not better.

Because once you eat sh*t from someone. . .they see you as "weak" and then they just keep serving it up and spoon feeding it to you.

Gem50 said...

@ Confused,
I agree with Ms. Mirror. Call this man’s bluff. You don’t have to do it with anger or fear; you can do it with respect and love. Respect for his choice, and mostly respect and love for yourself.

If you can muster up enough confidence to do this -- to say thank you, but no thank you -- and walk away as friends as he suggests (he's not kidding anyone here with that statement), it might take a couple months, but you will learn the truth about this man.

Remember your power young lady. Your power as a woman is your essence, your life, your love, your grace, your spirit and more.... Don't let this man threaten that... call his bluff and then make plenty of plans to be busy -- too busy to fit him in when he first calls (because he will, and then how it goes will be up to how you respond).

All the best dear.

Anonymous said...

Not sure where this would fall into but hopefully you're able to give me some advice. I went on holidays recently for 3 weeks (in between that time I was texting and talking with my boyfriend of 10+ years as normal, or he will text me if he hasn't heard from me after a day) and everything was fine before I left.

We didn't have any fights prior to me leaving for my holidays..however on the second morning upon my return (Tuesday of this week), my boyfriend said I need to tell you something..I want to be alone..he said it has nothing to do with me and hugged me tight. I said if that's what you want (even though I was hurting inside)..

What would warrant this behaviour? Is it another midlife crisis (he's nearly 20 years older than I). Is there any way of salvaging this relationship? Or should I give him the space to think things through?

Thanks in advance for your help.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 26, 3:40 AM,
"should I give him the space to think things through?"

Yep - and PLENTY of it. . .to the point that if he phones you or texts you in a few days or a week or two -- you DON'T respond. Instead, you turn the tables and you become completely and totally unreachable and non-responsive.

He asked to be alone - so you deliver the consequence for that decision and you give him EXACTLY what he's asked for - you leave him alone. . .VERY alone. And you make him live with the decision he's made, by giving him exactly what he's asked for. And if he reaches out, you don't respond. All he hears are crickets for a long, long time. And if he starts contacting you regularly asking why you're not responding, doesn't matter - you stay silent and you deliver the consequence and you give him exactly what he's asked for -- which is for him to be alone.

And if you do that, a psychological process starts to kick in. If he truly misses you, he'll regret his decision. IF you stay away and unavailable, he'll have to up his game. If he is forced to up his game, he'll try harder. And once he starts trying harder, he'll want you even more when he's not getting what he wants. And wants he starts to want you even more, he'll start to appreciate you even more. And once he starts to appreciate you even more, he'll start to regret what he's done even more.

And before you know it - YOU are holding all the power ;-)

Here's a bit about the psychological power of the Law of Scarcity (which is one of the 9 laws of persuasion):


And here is a bit about the concept of "consequence:"


Read both of those because I think they'll help :-)

Anonymous said...

Been "seeing" a man I accidentally fell for. I wasn't looking as he found me on an adult site. All I wanted was a fix and byyyyye! lol He knew as we were open but he said he wasn't a one nighter. I ignored it as men lie. We met and damn he is gorgeous. We had drinks and a walk- really nice. He said he felt really comfortable (which i think just fell out of his mouth). He asked if I'd like to go to the room he got us and I agreed. I felt comfortable too but wasn't gonna say it. We had a GREAT time upstairs and wow. He stated again he only sleeps or spends time with one woman. He asked to see me again a week later and 2 weeks later I agreed to see just him. He said he was pleased with that decision. We saw each other always at his house 1 1/2 hours away and always sex- great undeniable sex. He knows I have a history of bad men and gradually built up trust with me. This is huge. Then over the summer he said he would have the kids every other week and see me more. I know he is a busy man. Has kids 1/2 time, now one full time and one half time, works 6 long ass days a week, has family to see, friends and a life that existed before me. The visits slowed down until we were only seeing each other a month. This is weighing on me heavy along with the fact that I respect him being a private reclusive person- but none of his family or friends or kids know I exist. He says he is getting there but asks me to please be patient with him. ugh patience is not my virtue. So the holidays come and go and we both had a hard time with it. I saw him Christmas Eve when he said he had a little time and really wanted to see me. I went, he had to take something to his kids and was there after me by about 30 minutes. Then said he had people at his house so we couldn't go there but didn't tell me until he arrived. It was a quick hey, sex, baby i gotta go- my brothers are waiting at my house for me. I asked him why he even asked me to come see him. He said bc he really wanted to see me even if it was only 15 minutes. I told him I thought it was terrible and wanted actual time with him. Not long after that he just quit altogether talking at all. He's never been a big phone call person but at least texts. 3 weeks go by, and I was lost, confused, hurt, felt so disrespected. Then out of nowhere he emerges with an email. WTF?? Seriously? I was pissed and let him know when he kept trying to get me to talk to him. He said he still wanted to be with me, and I told him the conditions had changed. I now need and want a committed relationship with time together and not hidden away from all he knows. He said we would talk in person about it but agreed. I was SHOCKED my spine grew and he was still obliging. I couldn't have been more happy and scared at the same time. He came over to my house for the first time ever. (I don't allow men of relationship interest or sex interest in my house bc of my kids, but had opened it up a couple months ago.) He came and met my daughter, we had phenomenal sex, went to sleep, made him breakfast and he left for work. It was great for a week. Now He has dropped off again. WTF???

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 5, 3:27 PM,
Unfortunately, when things start off along these lines, this is how they tend to go. This began with being all about sex, and it appears that's really what it's all about, and most likely, you're not going to hear from him again - until he wants sex again.

"he said he wasn't a one nighter. . .he only sleeps or spends time with one woman"

I think you might have perceived that as a commitment of some sort when what I think he really possibly meant was - it's about sex only. Meaning, he only has sex with one women and he's looking for a woman to be able to go to for sex, when he wants sex, regularly - the same woman each time.

He was being misleading by involving the kids, the holidays, etc. - but his ACTIONS indicated he wasn't serious about a commitment because "people [were] at his house so we couldn't go there but didn't tell me until he arrived. It was a quick hey, sex, baby i gotta go - my brothers are waiting at my house for me."

"I asked him why he even asked me to come see him. He said bc he really wanted to see me even if it was only 15 minutes."

Not so sure I agree with him there - because again, what this really appears to be about is sex and not about seeing you in the way that committed couples see one another - "It was a quick hey, sex, baby i gotta go."

So I think when this guy says "I wanna' see you" that means "I need to have sex, so can I see you." And when he says he's not a one nighter, he only sleeps with one woman at a time, etc. - I think what he really means is, "I don't want a commitment, but I don't want to sleep around with tons of women either. . .so how about you be my sex partner and whenever I need sex - I'll come to you for it."

I don't think this guy is gone - I think you'll be hearing from him again - the next time he needs sex ;-)

Anonymous said...

Thanks MOA! I always questioned and though he knew I never wanted to mix emotions into sex, he did and then he backed out. So not cool and I shouldn't have let my guard down. Why oh why does he let a good girl go after having such an ungrateful cheat of a wife? Maybe I should be more of a b@#$h. lol I love to love and serve far too much for that but one day maybe, my love will find me.
Loves to Love... but sex is fun

Anonymous said...

Hope i get some response even this post is years ago.
i know this guy through online about half year ago. We found out.that we are living so near to each other. At first he text me almost everyday. Until one day he finds out my birthday and want to treat me a dinner. Well i attended. that Was the first time i went out with a guy i know from the internet and i was actually quite afraid and nervous. we have dinner, talk about general topics, no touching, no flirting at all. Then after dinner just go home and nothing happen. I thought that's it. We won't.contact each other and i did not expect another date. Who knows few months later he text me and i invite him to movie. He buy me a dinner and so does the movie ticket as well. Then before i come to uk for study, he buy me a farewell dinner.again. in between, we barely text. I don't know.why he insist to date me and we dont really.have much conversation. He.tends to keep everything private. I dont know much about him too. Then now he wants.to come.UK and pay me a visit.during his vacation and buy me a dinner again. AGAIN. I dont understand...what is.he.thinking.about?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 19, 11:10 AM,
"I dont understand...what is.he.thinking.about?"

Sounds to me as if he's just looking for someone to date casually - meaning, sporadically and without regularity. It doesn't appear he's interested in a relationship of any sort. And when someone dates casually, it is sporadic and not regular, and generally only when it's convenient.

So if you're not interested in dating casually and seeing each other once every couple of months, then I would no longer participate in this or concern myself with it because chances are, it'll always be like this and he'll only be contacting you when it's convenient for him or when he feels like it.

Anonymous said...

Iv'e been a big fan/reader of your page for over 2 years now. You have taught me a lot and I also share and practices a lot of the sentiments you express here about never pursuing a man, that's his job and he'll do it if he is really into you, and I am as well interested and aware of the psychology of attraction, etc. Inspite of all this knowledge and personal practicing, I have recently slipped up because I was extremely smitten with a man from another culture and I started changing my way of doing things a bit because he declared he was serious about settling down and we were making some plans about travelling together. In addition and mostly, the fact that he was from a different culture and having done my research as usual, I found out that the men are usually quite, laid back/reserved/conservative and not in the habit of seeking out women and then I slowly got in the throw of doing a lot of initiating (with texting and even calling). Of course he always responded and he never had me waiting for long for a response. i told him I would call him one evening because I hadn't heard his voice in a while and almost forgot what he sounded like (was 3 months, won't go in the details of why for anonymity), he sounded excited about that and we planned (not for a specific day but times - different time zones). Anyway, I called him one night when it was about 12 am or 1 noon his time ( I kinda momentarily forgot it was so late - a bit of an impulsive move). When he responded it kind of hit me that it was really late and he was probably in bed, so i quickly acknowledged that and said I would call him again. He asked how I was and I how he was, which was a quick response as it felt awkward for me and I really didn't want to disturb. After that I never contacted him since. I had to take a step back and look at myself and realize what I has become - that girl who was desperately chasing a man, which was so unlike me and I felt ashamed of myself a bit, so I didn't call him back or text him since and he hasn't texted or attempted to call me, which has given me the answer I needed. I rationalized that normally if a man is excited about you, even if you called him at an inappropriate time he normally does 2 things: (1) insist you stay on the phone and talk or (2) call or text you the next day to indicate that he was infact really tired or unable to talk, but it was nice hearing you, etc, etc. and he didn't do either. It going over a month now and I haven't contacted him and I have assumed he has moved on somewhat and is no longer interested (which is his thing and frankly has nothing to do with me). I am still the catch Iv'e always been with a lot going on and a queue of men wanting an opportunity to know me and at the moment I am busy with some things going on and have no time to decide about dating. But I am always direct about that and don't willingly lead men on as I don't like it. Of course this whole experience has had me wondering about this idea of how culture plays a part in how some men pursue women, whether in a grand way or one where you sometimes wonder. I have personally never had that experience before and that's why I knew something was wrong. But I would like to know your take on this idea.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 23, 4:11 PM,
Well honestly, I'm not aware of any countries that are female dominated in this fashion. Meaning, regardless of country or culture, generally speaking, gender roles still exist to an extent. Man leads, woman has the choice to submit or deny.

And while some countries are a bit more liberal or lax about gender roles in that fashion, being a bit laid back about it to me doesn't mean they won't do it at all. To me, if culturally things are a bit more laid back, all that means to me is that they'll still do it, they just won't rush into it or be very intense and aggressive about it.

Take France for instance. Apparently, there are very liberal, lax attitudes about sex and sexuality there. However, even though that's the case, it's a well know fact that even in that lax atmosphere - French women generally as a whole won't even look a man in the eye or give him the time of day unless they're interested - and French men still pursue and better yet, don't play games to make the girl anxious:

"Men pursue women actively: "A French guy gets your number and calls right away; it's not the three-day rule practiced by guys in the States who play hard to get and want to make the girls anxious."

"If you act the way French women do, you won't get hassled: "French girls never get harrassed the way foreign women do, because they know the rules. They don't even pretend to be nice; they just cut you off if they don't like you. Parisian girls don't look anyone in the eye unless they want to initiate contact." Which leads us to the rule's corollary:

3. If you act American, you WILL get hassled: "If an American woman acts like she does in the US, it's seen as extremely aggressive sexual behavior."


So even in countries and cultures where attitudes about sexuality are a bit more relaxed, such as France as one example, gender roles still apply when it comes to dating. So the only real "relaxed" or "laid back" traits that actually seem to come out of that atmosphere seem to be less aggression in how they go about it is all - but the gender roles still apply.

So in the end, I think the only time a woman would not be seen as sexually aggressive for pursuing a man would be in a country where gender roles play less of a part of everyday life and sexual attitudes are a bit liberal.

However, even in those situations, as seen in the French example - it's clear that gender roles are still adhered to to an extent, regardless of the sexual atmosphere.

Maybe others from foreign countries can weigh in with more insight. Ladies, are you aware of any countries where gender roles are flip-flopped and women lead while men submit (and the women are not judged as sexually aggressive for this) when it comes to dating?

I even did a quick search on the Internet and came up with nothing. Because while some countries may actually judge women less for pursuing - it appears that even in those countries (like Scandinavia) that gender roles still play a part - regardless. And that ultimately, even when things are considered a bit "laid back" or more relaxed in that country. . .all that really appears to mean is that men will still pursue - they're just less aggressive about it.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your input, as usual quite insightful :). And yes I do agree with you that men do and should pursue a woman they are interested in actively. You gave France as an example (and I like the reference as they are a more sexually free society), but french people like italians and spanish are thought to be a bit more romantic and wamer in general. But take for example, Germans who you'll hear are generally more conservative and (some say) cold and slower and there culture possibly promotes feminism (correct me if Iv'e been hearing wrong). A number of their own women have reported it difficult to meet men there, because of this kind o f lazy attitude. And while it may be attributed to a number of things (as both men and women have been reportedly marrying a lot of foreigners recently), I must say I have had a few experiences meeting a few german men - maybe 6 (which may not be that significant of a sample size). The three that Iv'e met in my own country are more controlled and reserved it seems than the majority of men here, but they still show their interest by messaging often, calling and initiating dates and a relationship and even if they are indoubt about your interest they don't just leave things hanging, they try to reach out. When I meet german men who live in Germany, they are a bit cooler on the whole pursuing. They still show interest initially, but it's like after a while they appear to leave the work to you. Now I could be wrong, maybe it's my culture that have caused the ones here to adapt in how they pursue women and the ones in Germany are ok with the women calling the shots, or it could be proximity.
So you can understand how after reading such things I would think - "hmm maybe there is something to it".

But you know what MOA, I do feel much better playing my role of the feminine woman being woo-ed. Anytime I feel pressured to step outside of it, I start not liking myself so much, if I allow it to happen and I do end up resenting the guy. So I do believe like you have stressed before that it is inherently natural - at least for me.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 24, 1:43 PM,
"I do feel much better playing my role of the feminine woman being woo-ed. Anytime I feel pressured to step outside of it, I start not liking myself so much, if I allow it to happen and I do end up resenting the guy."

You're not alone there dear. The stories on this site show just how stressful and unnatural a roles this is for many women. This role reversal flip-flop has a tendency to make women anxious and uncomfortable, which then has a tendency to lead to emotional outbursts as an impulsive reaction, to seek reassurance and validation - and before you know it, the ole' "crazy lady" label is headed straight for them as a result LOL ;-)

We've all been there dear. But in the end, I truly do believe that men go after what they want, even if obstacles are in the way - the driven and determined ones, the ones that show ambition and make good fathers, husbands and lovers. . .they do what they have to do to succeed. Any any man that doesn't show those masculine leading type tendencies is probably not a man worth dating anyway, because his lack of those things would leave the woman questioning things, experiencing self-doubt and just generally unhappy as a result.

Joycelyn said...

Hi The Mirror of Aphrodite,
My boyfriend dumped me 1 month ago. We had a relationship for 1 year and I really tough he was "the one". Everyone always said that we made such a good couple and both parents were happy for us to be together. But now out of the blue for me he dumped me. He said that his feeling were gone. He said I'm more like a sister to him because I'm elder than him 2 years.He still loved me but not in that way anymore. For your information, the last message was written by him " Thank you for your unconditional loves, It was my fault too suggesting to start this relationship but after all we went on for a year. Relationship is a process and it takes two persons commitment and being able to truly like each other. I don't want to give you hope. I don't think you prefer me to continue with you but i am not fully into this relationship, right? Your sacrifice of love and promises of course i do see but the feelings wasn't right. I am suppose to text you everyday without having to force text you just to make sure you feel good.And it is true if things happen, it happens. Perhaps you will meet someone even better than me or perhaps if we meant for each other it would different too from the coming days.") I'm really heartbroken and want him back. I never noticed that his feelings were fading, he told me to remain as friend. We don't see each other but he still message me after the breakup . I really want to do the no contact rule, but do you think our relationship going to works ?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"out of the blue for me he dumped me. He said that his feeling were gone. He said I'm more like a sister to him because I'm elder than him 2 years"

Oh please - that's an excuse, two years difference isn't even a noticeable difference.

"I am suppose to text you everyday without having to force text you just to make sure you feel good"

Again, another excuse. He should be texting you everyday because he WANTS to, not to make you feel good. Sounds to me like something's going on with HIM, and instead of truly admitting that, he's kind of blaming you instead. While he admits his feelings have changed, this statement above makes me think he's secretly blaming you for that - insinuating that you're demanding too much of him. When the reality is that any mature human being knows that a relationship DOES require work, as he stated, and that a relationship also requires a consistent commitment to actually DO the work - which I think he doesn't want to do.

So to me, it sounds like he simply doesn't want a relationship - period. And that has nothing to do with you because any woman he's involved with in a committed relationship is going to require the same exact type of commitment. So if he's not going to commit to daily communications or whatever is needed to maintain the relationship - then he's probably not going to have one. . .with anyone at all, and that's HIS choice, not something you MADE him do.

"I'm really heartbroken and want him back."

I understand that you're hurting over this as anyone would be - but why do you want him back dear? Why wish to be with a man that has no feelings for you and doesn't want to do the work required to maintain a committed relationship? Why wish for that for yourself? You deserve better than that, so don't wish for that, don't wish for a relationship with a man that doesn't appreciate you.

"he told me to remain as friend"

NOPE. Don't do that. He made a choice here to NOT have a relationship with you and now, he has to suffer the consequences of the decision he's made:


He doesn't get to be your friend. Additionally, being his friend will only be painful for you, so don't put yourself through that simply to please him. Think of YOURSELF here and what's best for you. And what's best for you is to remove yourself from this situation and show him that there are consequences for a decision like this - and those consequences are no communication from you, and no response from you, and no friendship from you - period.

And then once he finally realizes and feels a true "end" here - he may regret his decision. But he'll never do that if you don't cut him off completely and make him feel an "end" here FIRST.

"We don't see each other but he still message me after the breakup"

Do NOT respond to those communications. He does not get to have his cake and eat it too. He's broken up with you so now he needs to realize that that means you will no longer be a part of his life. If you keep responding and communicating with him. . .he'll never miss you, because you'll never truly be gone and he won't feel an "end" to the situation.

If you want him to miss you, and you want him to possibly regret this decision he's made - then you MUST cut him off and stop talking to him in order for that to happen. If you keep talking to him, he's not going to miss you because you're still there. If you keep talking to him he's not going to regret his decision because he hasn't really lost you - you're still there.

So again, if you want him to miss you and regret what he's done - CUT HIM OFF.

Anonymous said...

Hey Mirror, I'd really like your help with something. I've been single for 5 and a half years. My last boyfriend was the one who broke my heart. We were together two years and it ended quite abruptly and my self-esteem took a real beating. We've had no contact in that time frame. At All. Except I can find him on social media. A few years went by when I completely tried to erase him from my life. But then two years ago I found him on social media. He has had two serious relationships since me and is currently engaged to the latest one. I have barely had a couple of decent sexual partners in this time frame let alone a boyfriend. I can't seem to forget about him. I can go weeks/months without looking at him. But if I get drunk (not always) I seem to just ache for him and I get sad again. I'm open to a new relationship but I just don't seem to be meeting anyone I'm attracted to that feels the same way. Recently I got it in my head that I should message my ex. I figure I never got closure on the situation and maybe I still need to before I will finally meet someone. I would tell him I understand why he broke things off and if he was ever in my city I'd like to meet for a coffee as friends. One part of me thinks I would only need to be in his company for 5 minutes, would probably realize that there is no longer any chemistry and be able to forget about him once and for all. The other part of me (who looked at his profile last night) sees he is with someone else now, sees that all his family have liked their photos together, are happy for both of them, it's none of my business anymore and to leave it alone. But even if I did do that, why I am struggling so hard to let go? I worry so much about how long I've been single. Should I?

Please help.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 6, 10:27 AM,
"But even if I did do that, why I am struggling so hard to let go?"

Well first of all, I would not revisit the past and dig up the dead. Meaning, he's in your past, he's engaged, and revisiting all of that would really not serve the purpose you feel it would. It wouldn't bring the closure you feel it would. Most likely, it would only open old wounds again and I see no reason to put yourself through that.

Because the only thing that TRULY brings closure dear - is acceptance.

The closure you seek is within yourself - you're not going to receive that from him or anyone else. Because even if you do see him, if you still don't emotionally accept that this is over for good - you still won't feel closure. Closure will only come once you accept the reality of the situation, instead of dwelling in the past on the "what could've been" part instead.

So if it's closure you truly seek, my suggestion would be to cease thinking about what might have been and instead, start practicing acceptance of what actually is - it's over, he's engaged, it wasn't meant to be, and it's time for you to move on.

"I worry so much about how long I've been single. Should I?"

Not at all. And it could be that this anxiety over being single for so long is actually what's keeping you emotionally tied to him, and not permitting you to accept closure. Because I imagine the emotional cycle that's currently taking place within you is one of - you become anxious about being single for so long, this causes you to reflect back to your last relationship which was with him, and then once you've done so, you become "stuck" on him. So it could be the anxiety and worry over being single that's actually throwing you back into the past where you become "stuck" on him because that was your last relationship experience.

It could be that if you cease focusing on the fact that you're still single and instead, start dreaming about your next new partner, you may find the closure you seek in the acceptance of being single and accepting that that is actually okay. Basically, if you cease looking back into the past, and start staying "forward focused" instead, it may relieve you of all of this and the "acceptance" may finally set in.

Love and relationships have no timeline dear. Things happen when they're MEANT to happen, and everything happens for a reason. That's how you have to look at it. When it's meant to happen for you, it will happen. But that requires you to stop pressuring yourself about being single, and it also requires you to "accept" that being single is actually not a bad thing.

When you're single, you have the world at your feet. You are free to do as you please, you don't have to answer to anyone, you don't have to sacrifice yourself for anyone, you get to make your own rules, you get to march to the beat of your own drum - and you get to move at your own pace in your own sweet time. There are actually many, many valuable things that come with being single.

Your happiness does NOT come from another human being dear. It comes from within YOU.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

No one, no man, is going to enter your life and hand you your happiness on a silver platter. An outside individual should not BE your happiness, they should only ADD to it. And once you are happy, you begin to emit positive energy out into your immediate environment that actually, through the Law of Attraction, draws that same exact energy right back to yourself - "like attracts like." And it could be that the anxiety and worry about being single contributes to the fact that you've not met anyone else to enter into a relationship with. If you're emitting anxiety and worry out into the universe, through the Law of Attraction, the universe must send that SAME exact energy back to you - meaning, all you end up receiving is more of the same - more anxiety and worry.

Whereas, if you shift your mindset and your focus to that of "forward thinking" and positively looking forward to what's yet to come with faith and excitement and belief - you will start to attract that same energy right back to yourself in the form of other like minded individuals who may actually be suited to be your partner.

Bottom line dear - everything you seek is already right there within yourself. . .you just need to dig deep and find it ;-)

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror of Afrodite
First off, so glad to find your site; one of the most intelligent I've read yet.
My story:
Thirteen years ago, I met the most intriguing guy. During this period, we came together for 2-3 months at a time… but usually ended, sadly because what seemed to me… his total fear of commitment.
But with 2-3 years breaks, in between our roller-coaster rendezvous, he always came back . . . on his own initiative. At times, I had to stop the connection; it became too painful, I would refuse further contact, but 2 yrs later, he would eventually land on my doorstep once again.

My age, 67 . . . his 51; but this fact probably has little to do with the questions in our particular instance. Our age difference has never played any role in our wanting to be together. I mention this only because of my own precious time . . . I'm now living for today; NOT tomorrow! And there's nothing greater in my wishes, than to spend the rest of my life with Mr Brando..

Now is the 6th, & most intriguing chapter in our long history . . . the first 66 days- a 24/7 marathon of non-stop intimacy, caring & love... I started to believe he was possibly 'maturing' & ready. Finally, after 13 years of passionate highs & lows… I finally believed he was ready for Him + Me= US.

But as the story OFTEN goes . . . during the last month, he's been distant again, 'now busy & in the midst of closing his business,' This is true, but he's getting too mysterious… (but it's not another woman)

I give him lots of space when he needs it; I like space myself but his old pattern of distancing, turning from hot to cold, not hearing from him, sometimes for days… & then returning. really concerns me. But then, he suddenly invites me for a morning swim…. up/down - in/ out - cold/hot I feel as if i'm on the VERGE of cracking the bugger… only need the last, top precision tools to complete the job . . . (dealing with a Tough Marlboro Man on a BMW . . . By the way, just a mention of 'loving him,' gives him the creeps.'

Have now gone into silent Buddha meditation! Any brilliant ideas will be appreciated…. Thanks for listening.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Wed, Apr 8, 6:32 PM,
I'm so glad you commented here. It's FANTASTIC to see a woman of 67 years of age still enjoying life and love and all that it has to offer! You provide much inspiration for the many women here who feel that life after 30 when single means nothing but misery and being alone.

And while I understand your situation currently isn't working - it still doesn't mean you're not living, trying and enjoying life in the meantime :-)

"he suddenly invites me for a morning swim…. up/down - in/ out - cold/hot I feel as if i'm on the VERGE of cracking the bugger… only need the last, top precision tools to complete the job"

Well, I may burst your bubble here unfortunately, sigh LOL. Because this behavior sounds like that of an insecure man to me:


I'd suggest you read that article, and see if any alarm bells start ringing in your head. When folks are insecure, their behavior is WAY off, irrational and inconsistent. And if that's the case, reforming insecure individuals does not come from the assistance of others - it actually MUST come from within THEMSELVES. And most times, nothing short of life altering event actually catapults them into facing their fears and looking at themselves and their behavior in order to rectify it unfortunately :-( It's their fear that holds them back.

As for suggestions, there are some in this article here:


Particularly in the "what to do if your man disappears" section.

BUT - if you're inspired to try after reading that, lastly, I'd suggest you read this piece, as well as the 3 above, before making any decisions:


While what you discover may make things seem hopeless - I think what may happen, or at least what I've seen happen with the thousands of women who comment here. . .is that in the end, the man becomes LESS important and the focus shifts to that of SELF - which is ultimately much more elating and satisfying :-)

And if all else fails my dear - I think you're at a stage in life, with yourself, your independence, your confidence and worth as a woman - where you KNOW your value, and no one can strip that away from you. And this actually gives you the force, power and psychological weapons. . .to beat his guy at his own game anyway -.should you decide to keep playing along ;-)

Either way - use of the silence will actually speak FOR you, and keep you on top. My immediate suggestion would be, the next time he reaches out. . .maintain that silence. Don't respond. Observe his behavior and response to that. Give HIM something to think about. Let HIM finally feel a possible "end" for good - and see if your continued silence doesn't force him to up his game and man up to the plate. Let him make several attempts at contact with you remaining silent and don't respond until he either apologizes, or invites a talk.

Keep HIM wondering about YOU, instead of it being the other way around. Be scarce, make yourself scarce to him and remain that way. You can be just as mysterious, if not more so. And we all know that curiosity killed the cat LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

I hope you can help and make me see some sense. I'm from an Indian background - but brought up in the UK I was brought up in a really strict family and didn't start dating until I was in my mid-twenties. I come from quite patriachal community and I'm also religious in my own way. I met a guy over seven years ago when I moved to London through work. I was actually interested in someone else. He tried to chase me at first - in fact he asked me out on a rock climbing trip with friends - as a colleague I wasn't sure if this was date or just something we were doing as a mutual interest. He asked me to come over for dinner after this and I didn't say anything. He asked me to meet up a few times and then sent me an email at some ridiculous hour in the morning saying he understood I wasn't interested but it would be nice to see me. I made it clear that I just wanted to be friends.

We met up and I think we both noticed a chemistry. He touched me the side of my stomach and I felt like an electric shock going through me body. I've never had this feeling since then. Anyway, I didn't really give in and found out he'd asked me out on the rock climbing meet up while he was with someone else. My gut feeling told it was a red flag - but I'm a super cautious person and my sister said take a risk as perhaps things were already finishing with them.

We met up once a month at first. Then a a few times a month. He introduced me to his brother and later his mum briefly - he took me to his home town. The next day I got a text asking how I felt and I said probably the same way as you. This led to my first kiss with him. It was nearly 9 months of seeing him before we got to this point.

The thing is he is English Caucasian and my parents won't accept anyone outside the community I was brought up in. I didn't want to lie to him and told him about the situation so he didn't think I had been deceitful in any way. It took me six weeks to register that I really liked this guy even though this was a really sticky situation. And once this had sunk in,he started to distance himself slightly - like it was only just starting to sink in with him.

In between this time, I was experiencing my first moments of real intimacy. But I didn't sleep with him. I couldn't let go and something was holding me back. At the time I thought it was because of my morals and values. But now I know it was because I didn't know he how felt about me - he never told me he loved me. And I think it's very very hard for me to sleep with someone and let go not knowing whether they love me.
He went to Australia for a month - I hardly heard from him. When he got back, we had a chat and I suggested perhaps this wasn't working out. He told me he wished I'd mentioned the parents thing six months afterwards! I thought I had done the honourable thing. But i never felt like I got an explanation from him of he felt and why he thinks it wouldn't work out.

We texted each other a few times for a month. Six months afterwards my grandfather died and I emailed him. He responded but was very distant. I suggested meeting up to get closure - I wanted to know what had happened. He didn't respond.

Two years after we'd seen each other, I get a Linked In message to connect. I did. A week later I find him in my work building - he had got onto a leadership course and the work was taking place in my office (which explains why he approached me on Linked in). We exchanged greetings a few times. At this point, I wanted to clean the slate with him because my company was encouraging me to apply for the same leadership course and I didn't want it to be awkward between us. So i sugested we meet up so we could clean the slate and i could ask him about the course.

Anonymous said...

Continued..We met up and I tried not to make eye contact. The conversation was kept neutral. At the end, he asked me to stay a little longer and roam the gallery downstairs with him. I hesitated and then said OK. We both admitted we were anxious about meeting one another. As we walked back to the station, I asked him whether he backed out of the relationship because I didn't sleep with him. He said no.
After this he asked me out. I wasn't sure at first but then said OK. It was really nice. I decided to take a walk back afterwards and he joined me. He asked me questions like what does your bedroom look like etc (I'd moved into a new flat).
I realised there was still chemistry between us. He emailed him and told him this - he responded 3 weeks later saying he couldn't think about 'love and poetry' right now. But was thinking about responding. I didn't respond for months. So I sent him another email saying it was really rude and disrespectful to not email someone when they're trying to express something. He emailed back saying he was confused how our date had turned into this angry rant. He suggested meeting up in his place. We did - we talked. I tried to encourage him and made it clear that with this chemistry we're either together or we stay out of each other's lives. We agreed the latter - I think it became apparent that the situation with my parents really bothered him. He wanted to follow his heart but he chose his head. In the pit of my stomach I felt it was wrong and I texted him this later in the evening as he was flying to india the next day. I wanted to let go and not keep regretting not telling him the stuff I wish I had. He didn't respond. So the next day I tried to call him. He texted me to say he would be in touch before he flying. Instead he emailed me to say we'd get in touch when he was back.
He ignored me when he came back. I sent a few angry emails - it was vitriol. I've never been so scared of myself. I didn't know I was capable of it. He did respond and it was the first time he actually angry with me. He told me i was conservative etc etc - I'd found out he had been with someone after me and it sounded like it was only a sex thing for him so I had a dig about this.
After a few more emails, he admitted he had a problem with commitment. I told him never to email me again. I blocked his email address.
14 months later and an email lands in my inbox from him - on the back of one of my 'pleasant' emails previously. Asking me if I had left my company - as he couldn't find my profile on it. Telling me what he was up to and hoping all was well with me 'fingers crossed'. It took me six weeks to respond asking him why he cared and what he wanted from me. And to leave me alone. But on the back of my mind I wanted to know why he had got in touch. So I emailed again telling him the only thing I wanted for him all this time was closure. He had given it to me last time so why was he opening the door again and getting in touch. Did he want to speak to me? I told him that following your head is easier than following your heart - something I have learned along the way. I got no response - this was last year.
So I changed my email address and phone number. He is blocked on my Linked In.
Last month, I colleague approached me from my last company asking me if I was free to do some work for another company on a project. This particular project is led by him. I said no to my colleague and told him that if this person is leading it then please pass on my best wishes. This was the first time my colleague had got in touch with me about some work - was my ex orchestrating this? I don't know.

Anonymous said...

Continued...I'm telling you this as a stranger because I can't even share this with my mum for her advice. My sister is sick and tired of this whole thing and also doesn't know how to help. So please give me some simple advice.
1) I know I love him. Despite the fact he's treated me like shit - I deeply care about him. And it's been a major ego check. I never told him I love him - should I have told him?
2) Why does he keep getting in touch? Why can't he just give me closure? Is it because I didn't sleep with him and therefore I'm not one of his conquests? Or so I am always there as another option for him - I'm 10 years younger than him
3) Does he love me? Or does he only care about me? It can't be love right? Because then he wouldn't care about the situation with my parents - or am I just expecting too much?
4) Is this mental manipulation? Am I dealing with a player? Or someone with low self-esteem?
I've tried everything to get over him - it's been six years. And I'm struggling. I don't know what to do. It takes everything I have to not ponder about this and let it get to me. But I'm finding it so hard. Please help.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 19, 7:30 AM,
"I never told him I love him - should I have told him?"

I don't think that would've made any difference here in the long run.

"Why does he keep getting in touch?"

It's possible he's keeping in touch to see if your situation has changed (meaning, the situation with your parents and their strong opinions about who your mate should be).

"Does he love me? Or does he only care about me? It can't be love right? Because then he wouldn't care about the situation with my parents - or am I just expecting too much?"

He may, or he may not. However, if he's not telling you that he loves you, then don't assume he does. Either way, I don't think him loving you would've changed anything. The situation with your parents would've still existed, even if he was in love with you - if he cannot be your spouse, then he can't be your spouse - and being in love with you would never change that. Your parents would still disapprove and it would still result in him being unable to be with you long term.

"Is this mental manipulation? Am I dealing with a player? Or someone with low self-esteem?"

I don't get the impression he's any of these things. However, I do believe him when he says he has a problem with commitment. And I believe that's why all of this has happened.

He knew that your parents and your background required someone with a high level of commitment to you as a spouse (someone of the same culture and background as well) - and he's a guy that admittedly has a problem with commitment. I believe it's really that simple. He could not have committed to this even if he'd wanted to, and even if he was a suitable mate in your parents eyes. Either way, he was incapable of continuing with this for that reason. I think his issue is about commitment and not necessarily anything about you personally. He's just not the commitment kinda' guy it appears.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this. It's helped me realise that I'm not the problem here when I've always wondered whether the situation with my parents was the true cause of this. But it's helped me realise that even without my parents - commitment would have cropped up as a problem anyway.

Your comment here was interesting: 'Either way, I don't think him loving you would've changed anything. The situation with your parents would've still existed, even if he was in love with you - if he cannot be your spouse, then he can't be your spouse - and being in love with you would never change that. Your parents would still disapprove and it would still result in him being unable to be with you long term.'

I think when I was dating him - I was unsure as to whether it would make a different if someone told me they loved me. But now I'm in my thirties, I've realised it would make the world of difference - to me. I've realised the hard way that finding love is very very hard. And when you find it with someone and they do love you - don't let it go. And who I choose to share my life with is ultimately my decision. Not my parents.

I guess my situation has changed somewhat in that I've spoken to my mum about the possibility of marrying outside my community so she is aware of the possibility. I've also had conversations with my brother and sister about this and I know they would support my decision (in fact my sister is currently dating someone outside the community). And recently I've been going to my cousin's weddings and it's soo nice when my generation start telling me that it's OK to be someone outside my community and they just want you to be happy.

I love my parents. But they're not always going to be here whereas I have a longer time to live on the planet. And I want to spend that time with someone I love and who loves me - if my parents' approve then that's a bonus, if they don't approve - then that's my journey.

But ultimately your last point is right. If my parents don't approve of him, then he needs to be very sure of how he feels about me and be a part of my support network through those times. And that comes from someone who doesn't have a problem with commitment in the first place right? If the root problem in the first place is commitment then how can I expect anything else from this individual.

Thank you. I wish I had read this seven years ago. But I guess this is all wisdom to pass on to my daughters. Wish me luck in moving on :)

Wherever you're sitting - I wish the very best.

O - and can you write something about this commitment epidemic in men? - I think they need to do a PhD on this subject!

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror of Afrodite,
thanks for all the help and advice you offer through this site. I would like to share with you my story and ask for your advice if possible.

There this a guy that we have been knowing each other for 7years. We have been friends, not to the extent of knowing each other that well, but still friends. We have been living in different countries but we always met three 3-4 times each year and always kept in contact. However, last year or so things changed between us. We went out for a drink (as we use every time we are in the same town). I had never guessed that he liked me and I was always thinking that we are good friends. That night I asked that we could have another drink in another place since it was still early night. He denied saying that he had to wake up early next morning. Later that night, he texted me and told me that he was stupid to say no to one more drink and also wrote that the real reason is that he got scared. He told me that he started having feelings for me and that since we live in different countries he got scared. He also asked whether I could prolong my stay so that we could meet again. To be honest, I was really surprised. I had never thought of him liking me. He kept texting and emailing me about this, but I told him that it is better to not talk about it through texts or emails.

The next months, when we were back to our everyday lives, in different countries, we kept talking through emails and chat. I realised that something has changed in me too toward him, In the beginning, I thought that it was the case that I was just flattered. But as our communication continued, and it became more sincere and emotional, i realised that it was stronger than that.

He was really contacting me every day and he was looking forward to our next meeting. I know that long distance is a big problem and I was cautious but we reached a point where I stopped thinking of it. I wanted to see him and actually find out how we both feel.

Anonymous said...

We were both looking forward to our meeting, and made sure we had a full day to spend. However, when the day came he had some family issues (I know that for sure) and we only met for a couple of hours. There he told me that he likes me a lot but I am one of the things he cannot have in his life (because of the distance). He also told me that he had though many times of getting the plane to come and see me. He seemed really upfront about that. This took me by surprise, but I told him that I wish things were better and that the distance hurts me. On the way back, he kissed me in the car. And his eyes were sad in a way as if he couldn't handle it. The next day I was flying back to my country of residence, and he texted me telling me that he had a bitter and sweet feeling.

Since then, our communication continued as before. He was contacting me almost every day, except from the last month. He seemed to slow down. I realised that and I felt bad. In one of our talks, he asked me how I see the situation between us. I told him that I am scared but I tend to overcome my fears. He said, that life has taught him recently that you cannot control everything and that sometimes you have to accept things. It sounded bad. It was then when I decided to go and see him, without him knowing.

So I did. I went and he seemed really happy in the beginning. He told me that this made him really glad. However, there was always this cloud over him. He was always thinking about stuff and never talked to me about that, even when I asked. He was incapable of making any decision, even the simplest like where to go for coffee/dinner. I started feeling that he was feeling pressure and that he is only going through this out of kindness. He was only better when we were intimate. There, he was really sweet and caring. He was telling me that all he wants is to kiss me the whole time and he was constantly hugging. There was also this issue with his phone. He kept receiving texts in his phone and seemed weird about it. This made me feel really bad. I felt that I put myself out there and now I was dealing with him probably seeing another girl. I confronted him directly about that in a really kind and calm way, saying that it is better to be sincere and that I never asked for anything but to see how the two of us feel. He replied that I should not jump into conclusions and not project my fears and what bothers him has nothing to do with me. But nothing clearer than that. I didn't insist, however my instinct was driving me crazy.

Next day I was leaving. I was feeling exposed ( we also slept together thw night before) because of his confusing behaviour. He texted me to see how I was doing, I replied that I was expecting him to be more sincere and that I was disappointed. he replied telling me that I am unfair and I am blaming him while in fact I am scared. He told me he is really interested in me and he doesn't like me making him feel like that by blaming him. He also told me that one of the reasons he was distant was that he knew that this couldn't last (cause of distance) and that he had suffered a lot before by making dreams that never came true.

It has been a week since our last contact. I don't know what to think. Should I wait? I miss him. Any advice? I am afraid that he won't contact me. Either he wants to protect himself, or he is not interested in me anymore.

Thank you very much.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 12, 9:31 PM,
"Should I wait? I miss him. Any advice? I am afraid that he won't contact me. Either he wants to protect himself, or he is not interested in me anymore."

Regretfully, either way you cannot control this. And unfortunately, nothing you do or say can change it. The only way anything will change is if he decides to place his fears aside and give this a try.

If I were you, I would not contact him because if you've sensed already that he felt pressured, then that means that's how he'll view your contact - as more pressure. Instead, I'd give him plenty of time and space to process his emotions, and I'd see if that distance causes him to miss you and contact you as a result.

Anonymous said...

I was talking to a guy for 5 months. He wasn't my boyfriend but he would always introduce me as his "gf". He was the sweetest gentleman I have ever encountered. I feel like he cared so much about me. He would call me every morning, txt me throught the day (when he was able to), call me after work, and every night call me before bed and fall asleep on the phone with me. I would see him every day and he would always make time for me. He's a big oh mommas boy and she really has a big influence on him , and he loves his family. I met all of his family but he was never up to meeting mine. Anyways as time passed on the 6th month I started noticing he was distant with me. I heard from someone that his mom checked his phone one night when we hung out and she wasn't really pleased with the txt messages. He's 23 btw. When I would ask him if he wanted our relationship to work he would respond "of course I do why wouldn't I" when I would ask him why he hasn't made it official he would say "no rush right". Finally after about 3 weeks of not going on a date with him we went out on a nice date on a Saturday and the next day Sunday he invited me to a company get together at Spashtown. While we were there he didn't want me holding his hand but was fine with me holding his arm. But while in the water he held me and carried me and kissed me and was the sweetest to me. He hates taking pictures but sometimes makes an exception. I asked him to take a picture with me and he refused. Once we left we went to grab something to eat and he dropped me off. I told him to call me that night and he really didn't want to and well didn't. That following week he didn't really make the effort to call me. Finally that Friday I called him and he practically ignored me a few calls in he finally answered. I asked him what was wrong with him and he couldn't really tell me. I told him that I won't do this with him any more and he said that this was too much for him. His life is busy and there is so much other things going on in his life. He said we need to put this "relationship" or whatever it was on hold. He said I didn't do anything wrong it was just a bad timing. I really want to know what happen.. I feel like he's not being honest with me. I tried contacting him and asking him if he could be honest with me and tell me what happen but he doesn't respond. What do I do? I deeply miss him so much.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 18,1:15 PM,
"He's a big oh mommas boy and she really has a big influence on him"

That's not good. It's a good thing when a man respects his mother and treats her well. But it's NOT a good thing when he's a "man-child" attached to her apron string, because that keeps a man emotionally immature and unable to truly step into his manhood.

"He was the sweetest gentleman I have ever encountered"

Really? Because I'm seeing some red flags here that indicate otherwise:

"I met all of his family but he was never up to meeting mine."
"he didn't want me holding his hand"
"I asked him to take a picture with me and he refused"
"I told him to call me that night and he really didn't want to and didn't."
"That following week he didn't really make the effort to call me."
"he practically ignored me"

A gentleman doesn't treat women with disregard like that or make the relationship all about HIM, and become unwilling to compromise.

"I tried contacting him and asking him if he could be honest with me and tell me what happen but he doesn't respond. What do I do?"

Nothing. There's nothing you can do. You can't make someone love you or want a relationship with you or want to date you. They have to want that too and unfortunately, if they don't, you have no choice but to accept it.

If you continue contacting him, it'll most likely only end up pushing him further away and he'll create even more distance to remove himself from the pressure that creates. So my suggestion would be to go into "no contact" (and no response) with him for at least 30 days, and see if that doesn't draw him out:


Anonymous said...

Hi, I wrote to you about 2 1/2 years ago and can't find my post. I was happy to find your site again. I was "dating" not sure I would call it that a guy for a short time. He just ended a 6 years relationship and I was going through a divorce. We went out a few times and talked and texted a lot. I didn't think he was making enough time for me. He was out a lot for business dinners, family etc. He ended it by saying he had to take care of a few things in his life and he is doing that. At least, he was honest. This was Dec 2012. From then to now, I have never contacted him. He would text me every few months with a comment to say happy birthday etc. I responded but never right away and kept it short. Well over the past 4 months, he has been texting a lot. We do have a business relationship also which is how it started, I think he used that as a way for me to respond. But he is a nice guy, I know a lot of people that know him. We are both Gemini's. I am 42 and divorced and he is 49, never been married and no kids. He sent me a text about 2 months ago saying he is sorry. I was in a 2 year relationship at the time so my delayed response was "its ok, life goes on". I still don't know for what or what was going on back when we dated. I met him for drinks just recently and I didn't mention anything, we just kind of caught up. He asked if he could see me again next week. Now he has had about 4 deaths happen since then and found out his dad has cancer. So I have been sympathic and there for him so to speak. He has thanked me and said he appreciates it etc. He said he will see me soon he promises, even though I don't ever ask. He has flirted and I know he is interested, but I keep it light because I feel like I need to know what happened. Why 2 1/2 years later and what happened? The other part of me wonders if he really wanted to see me, he would ask me and plan ahead. I don't know what to think of this. Maybe he has a fear of rejection, he isn't one of those player types. Any insight? I am not going to text him first anymore, I just found your sight again and kind of forgot about it. I haven't dated since after him, I met someone and was in a very long term relationship so I haven't had much experience, lol.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mon, Jul 6, 6:55 PM,
"I don't know what to think of this. Maybe he has a fear of rejection, he isn't one of those player types. Any insight?"

Well, I think this might be less complex and more simple than you think. And I believe the insight lies here in this fact "he is 49, never been married."

Some folks just aren't cut out for commitment for whatever reason. And while he's been able to enter into a 6 year relationship, you can't assume that he was truly "committed" to that situation either. Meaning, the woman could've received very little of his time, and the relationship could've really been focused on him and not "them" as a couple. She could've find herself placed on the back burner often, waiting on him, waiting for things to be convenient for him, working around his schedule and timing, etc. And while that's still a relationship, any woman who expects more from a relationship isn't going to consider that happiness.

So it could be that this man simply doesn't make relationships a priority. If he finds a woman that's willing to wrap her life around his, then sure he may stay a while. But that does not generally work long term and the woman eventually begins demanding more, which he may be unwilling to give. And that could be the very reason he broke it off with you a few years back. He hit his "wall" again in relationships, and when "more" was required - he bailed.

I think this is a man who is more than happy to date - as long as it's pretty much on his terms, convenient for him, and doesn't require loads of his time. He won't commit to dates in advance because he's probably not much into committing to anything too far upfront because he might decide to end up making something else he deems more important a priority instead.

That doesn't make him a bad person - it just makes him someone that doesn't place a high importance on relationships and doesn't make them a priority either as a result. If he has time, sure he'll step out on a date. But if something else pops up, his personal life probably falls by the wayside because he may consider it less important. I get the feeling he may possibly be geared more towards casual dating (occasionally, sporadically), than committed dating (with the purpose of settling down).

Anonymous said...

Thanks, this helps. I still can't pinpoint him yet though because he did mention that he wanted kids which would obviously require a commitment. At the same time, he was very upset over his 6 yr relationship ending because he got attached to the kids and didn't want that to happen again (I have kids and not having anymore).That was partly another reason we ended things the last time. He has to realize now that he is getting to a point where this isn't a reasonable option. I am hoping for the best and letting him text me or ask me out. Time will tell and hopefully soon, lol.

Anonymous said...

I am in a relationship with a guy who seems great, except....he is always late. I am not talking about 10 or 20 minutes lates, I mean at least an hour late (a few times he has been more than 2 hours late).
Other areas are okay. He asks me about my day, is open about us being together, says that he loves me often, talks about future plans for us, and doesn't disappear...he is just late appearing.
One time I did bring this issue up, it resulted in a disagreement. Now, I don't bring it up. I guess I don't want to sound like I am a nag or lacking patience. However I have stopped waiting. After a certain amount of time, I leave.
He is not late because he has major obligations. On the contrary, sometimes he is late because he was sleeping, or watching the game, etc.
He does seem to be able to make it to appoinments, meetings, etc. on time.
My closest friend told me that some people just have problems being on time and no one is perfect.
Since things seem to be okay in other areas, should I overlook that he is chronically late?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jul 9, 2:39 PM,
"My closest friend told me that some people just have problems being on time and no one is perfect. Since things seem to be okay in other areas, should I overlook that he is chronically late?"

Agreed - no one is perfect and people make mistakes from time to time. But this - this appears to be a pattern of behavior that displays a lack of respect. A lack of respect for you and your time, which is valuable.

I would never overlook this type of treatment on a regular basis because again, it's disrespectful. Once or twice, okay. But all the time consistently? That's just plain rude, it shows a lack of respect and it also shows that he could give two hoots about anyone but himself.

Talking about it won't work - if I were you, I'd give this man 25 minutes to show up, then I'd leave as you've been doing. And I would not take any calls from him afterward, nor would I respond to any texts, until I received an apology. No apology - no more dates. When you treat people ignorantly and rudely, then you can expect the same treatment back.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much! At first I let it slide when he was late, but it is really starting to bother me to the point that it stressed me out so bad I even considered ending the relationship. But, then I thought that I am probably just overeating and being petty. Only it isn't petty to me. Then I ran across a quote online by F. Scott Fitzgerald which said, "the girl really worth having won’t wait for anybody." And then I read your list of signs he's not into you and saw one of them is he is always late. I thought, why am I waiting? I really appreciate your response and solution! It is also nice to know that I shouldn't have to wait (unless of course there is a valid reason)!

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

I've been dating this guy for about two months. We go out once per week, usually Saturdays. He communicates regularly, pays for dates and usually plans in advance. Everything is good (I think) but I'm concerned about his recent pattern change. During the week I usually get a "good morning text", another text mid-day and a brief 10-15 minute phone call at night. The morning and mid-day texts have completely stopped. The phone calls are no longer daily, but they are regular and much longer than they used to be.

I met his son last weekend (last Saturday). Things went well...we spent the entire day together and had a great time. He called when he got home, then called first thing in the morning to ask if we could all hang out that day (Sunday). I told him I had plans for most of the day but agreed to do something for a couple hours around 6 or 7pm if he and his son were up to it. He said ok.

I left my friend's gathering around 7 and called him. He said he was in my area but had second thoughts about meeting because he thought it was too late for his son to be out. He and I live about an hour away from each other and his son is 5. I understood that... actually, I was thinking the same thing.

Here's where things start to change... He told me he'd call me when he got home, but never called - this has never happened before.

Monday, no "Good morning" text. I received a text from him around 8pm,

Him: Hey, how are you doing?
Me: Hey. Great...just relaxing. How was your day?
Him: Great. Just finished working out. Now getting (son's name) ready for bed.

End of conversation

Tuesday - no "good morning" text, but I did get a text mid-day

Him: How are you doing?
Me: Great... today's actually been pretty fun. You?
Him: I'm ok. This morning was busy, after lunch I have been relaxing.

End of Conversation. However, he called me around 10pm and we talked for an hr. At which point he told me he had a doctor's appointment at 10am for a sports injury.

Wednesday, still no good morning text. This time I sent him a text around 2pm. (I rarely do this but wanted see how the appointment went)

Me: So...medication, physical therapy, or amputation? (this is an inside joke from the previous night)
Him: Ha! Maybe surgery
Him: Joking. Everything is fine

End of conversation. No phone call

Thursday, he called around 7pm. I was a little confused about the sudden communication changes and needed time to think, so I didn't answer. He called back around 9:30. I didn't answer but I called him around 10:30; we talked for maybe 30 mins.

During that convo he asked me if I wanted to go to the aquarium with him and his son on Saturday. I told him I really wanted to go but had plans for the entire weekend (it was true). I politely reminded him that my weekends are usually planned by Wednesday (also true). He said ok, but said sometimes he doesn't have a definite plan for the weekend but knows he wants to do something. He asked if it was ok to set a date in advance and come up with a plan later. I said yes and we set a date for this coming Saturday.

Friday, I received a call and text around 9:30pm. I didn't answer but returned the call around 11. We talked for almost 2 hours.

Saturday - nothing

Sunday, we talked periodically throughout the day. (All but one initiated by him) That night we talked for a little over an hour.

Today - nothing and it's 9pm

Mirror, does it sound like we took a step backwards or forward? Something has definitely changed but I can't figure it out. I know you're not a mind reader but when it comes to men and relationships, you're EXTREMELY insightful! Help a sista out. :-)

I should add that we're not exclusive. Neither of us have broached the "where are we going" subject and we have not been intimate. I'm dating other people and I assume he's doing the same.

Any advice or theories?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Aug 17, 9:33 PM,
"Mirror, does it sound like we took a step backwards or forward?"

This is the relationships "dance" - I wouldn't read too much into it just yet. Nothing, and no one, remains 100% predictable and routine 100% of the time.

It's often referred to as the "push pull method." But it's also a very common pattern in dating and relationships. Hell, a lot of the time men do this ON PURPOSE to test the woman's emotional capacity. Will she freak out? Will she lay into me? Will she disappear? Will she phone me and call me bad names LOL??

Life always has a "peaks and valley's" wave to it and relationships are no different.

That really matters aren't his words but his ACTIONS. And so far, even though the words portion has tapered off a bit, this man still keeps coming forward, taking action, and asking to see you. And that's all that really matters.

Just play it cool, don't become emotional, don't dwell on it too much - and ride it out with confidence (don't become insecure, question him, etc.) and I think you'll be fine :-)

loretta said...

@Anonymous above - you've talked to that guy and heard from him more in a short time than all my "dates" combined for a year! He's pretty great. IMO

Anonymous said...

I really need your advice. I met a guy on a dating site, we talked, even while he was busy with work. We had a lot in common, same goals in mind. He shared a lot of his personal life with me via pictures and videos. I really thought we were headed in the same direction, on the same page. I watched for red flags but honestly never seen one, so I deleted my profile. After a week of texting and talking on the phone, I invited him to come over. He lives a few hours out of town. I honestly thought we would hang out on the couch and watch movies and talk, however, I gave him the wrong impression by turning my couch into a bed. We ended up having sex, however throughout the course of the day and night, his back was giving him a lot of trouble (previously had broken his back), he was up most of the night, I rubbed his back, tried to alleviate the pain. We eventually went up to my room, thinking my bed would be much more comfortable, again we had sex and again I massaged his back. When we finally got up, he went to get coffee and I cooked breakfast. He came back ate and stayed for an hour, then he had to go. He looked in my eyes, hugged and kissed me and said "Don't worry, I will be back", and then he left. He texted me that day when he got back home, then I didn't hear from him for close to 2 weeks.
Now all that being said, after we had sex the first time, he had a legitimate reason he could have left as he left his medications at home, also, he could have left straight away in the morning after grabbing his coffee, but he came back.
I found him on the site again and this time i created a different profile to see if I could talk to him. He told the alter me, that he had met a lady but lost contact with her because his phone ended up at the bottom of the lake. shortly thereafter I texted him. He responded a few days later saying that he had been really busy with work (he is a farmer) and when he gets busy he does the no contact thing. I told him this was not fair and that I needed and wanted contact. So he contacted me for the most part daily for the following week.
He came over again the following weekend, spent the night, we had, what I thought, was more intimate sex, more communication, then it went bad, he got sick, something he ate, he said. By morning he was feeling better and we played around more, no intercourse this time. He left to get coffee and came back 2 hours later saying he had to leave, his dad needed his truck etc, anyways, he said, "I couldn't leave without coming by to say good bye and getting a kiss and hug" then he was gone. I heard from him once that same day and then not again for a few days. The texts since the first night of sex have been very short, no real in depth conversation, just a hi how was your day and then nothing for a few more days.
My alter profile spoke to him again and he said he was looking to meet someone and get to know them, take it slow to see if him and her were actually compatible. I asked him if he was seeing anyone and he said no, I also asked him when the last time was he had sex, he said 3 months ago.
Over the course of this month of meeting him, I have cried myself to sleep, beat myself up for sleeping with him, gotten angry with myself and i deleted all his pictures, videos and texts. Just when I had resigned myself to the fact that he got exactly what he wanted and was no longer interested in me, he texted me again. Now, given he is a farmer, having to fix equipment, making sure it is ready for harvest etc., it has been raining for 2 days straight and he has not contacted me again. My heart says he is an honest guy, a real sweetheart and is busy working on the equipment, getting it ready, however my head tells me, he is only interested in me for sex when it is convenient for him and/or he just isn't that into me. There have been opportunities he wasn't busy and could have texted me, but he hasn't. So what do you honestly think?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Aug 22, 7:53 PM,
"I invited him to come over. He lives a few hours out of town. I honestly thought we would hang out on the couch and watch movies and talk, however, I gave him the wrong impression by turning my couch into a bed. We ended up having sex."

If it's a relationship you seek, I'd suggest not taking the lead and asking for a date (let the man take the lead and ask you for a date), and I'd also suggest no "sofa dates" at any time for at least the first month:


The reason being that when things start off like this, nine times out of ten they end up being only a hookup or a brief fling or 3 month affair. Real relationships take time to grow, and when the stages of growth are skipped over, generally you end up with something brief versus long lasting.

"My heart says he is an honest guy"

This may sound strange but hang in here with me for a moment. . .don't listen to your heart, listen to your head. Set your emotions aside and instead rely on logic and common sense. You already KNOW he is not an honest guy, and you've had confirmation of that based on the conversations he's had with your alter identity. So don't let your emotions grant him the benefit of doubt. He may be a decent human being but he does lie from time to time when need be, so don't fool yourself about that - stay focused on the facts.

"So what do you honestly think?"

Regretfully, I think this ended up pretty much as one could've predicted :-(

When things start off hot and quick, they tend to burn out just as fast. The path to a relationship is not through a hookup. If it's a relationship you seek, there's a specific path that must be followed. The relationship has to go through the "get to know you" stages of meeting, him asking to call you, him asking to take you on a formal date (dinner, movies, etc.), him asking for dates 2, 3, 4, and spending more time with you and showing you respect by continuing to take you on formal dates, calling in between dates, expressing a desire to see you, and all the while conversations, body language and feelings are taking place and things are slowly starting to build. And each date that follows, these things become felt deeper and deeper until eventually - emotions and feelings are involved. That's the glue that binds people together and in order for them to develop, a specific path must be followed.

If those stages are skipped - no feelings or emotions have been built. Therefore, nine times out of ten there is no "glue" and the situation crumbles within a few weeks or about 3 months. And unfortunately it appears that's what's happened here :-(

Don't beat yourself up over it - take it as a valuable lesson learned so that something positive comes out of it :-)

Anonymous said...

The Farmer: I'd like to thank you so much for your honest opinion and your insight. I have let this go, let him go, don't check on him anymore via social media. I want someone who wants all of me, not just part of me. I want the strong relationship and that is what I will strive for.

Again, thank you so much

Anonymous said...

Bonjour Mirror
Here is one of your french readers writting!
Since you gave me weeks ago some clever advices concerning my reappearing desappearing man I keep reading your texts and comments.
I have recently purchased the "Why men loves bitches" book you were advising here someone to read and I am totally into it! Looks like reading your words ;) Thanks a lot!!!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Our French Sister,
That book should be mandatory reading for any woman currently navigating the dating field. The advice from it and several other good reads opened my eyes many years ago, I drank the Kool-Aid, and I never looked back LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

This book should be given to every single young girl starting her dating life!
I made several screen captures here and there and they are know in my phone, with lots of your advices. Every night before getting asleep I have a look at them in order to fix them in my brain and become The New Me ;)
Here in France we don t have that kind of books mixing clever thoughts and great sense of humour (as we are,we french gals, supposed to have that Je ne sais quoi thing that allows us not to read anything about how to deal with dating and men!).
You've mentionned several others books that you ve particularly like... would you mind sharing them with us?
I'd really like to read other books like this one!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"You've mentioned several others books that you ve particularly like... would you mind sharing them with us?"

1) The Manual: A True Bad Boy Explains How Men Think, Date, and Mate--and What Women Can Do to Come Out on Top: http://www.amazon.com/Manual-Explains-Think-Mate---Women/dp/030734570X

Steve Santagati, the author, claims to be reformed but I've seen several interviews and as far as I'm concerned, he's still a jerk LOL. But his book is insightful.

2) The Wisdom of Psychopaths: What Saints, Spies, and Serial Killers Can Teach Us About Success: http://www.amazon.com/The-Wisdom-Psychopaths-Killers-Success/dp/0374533989

"Dutton argues that there are indeed "functional psychopaths" among us--different from their murderous counterparts--who use their detached, unflinching, and charismatic personalities to succeed in mainstream society, and that shockingly, in some fields, the more "psychopathic" people are, the more likely they are to succeed. . .Dutton demonstrates that the brilliant neurosurgeon who lacks empathy has more in common with a Ted Bundy who kills for pleasure than we may wish to admit, and that a mugger in a dimly lit parking lot may well, in fact, have the same nerveless poise as a titan of industry."

3) Date Like A Man: What Men Know About Dating and Are Afraid You'll Find Out: http://www.amazon.com/Date-Like-Man-Dating-Afraid/dp/B000A176PQ

"Do you get depressed every time a date turns out to be a dud? Are you constantly checking out your dates or marriage potential? Do you tell yourself you'll never, ever find the man of your dreams? If so, chances are you're taking dating way too seriously. Girlfriends, it's time to wake up and smell the new millennium! . . .when it comes to dating, men are the masters. . .dating is a lot like science. Any experiment involves trial and error, so the more you fail, the closer you are to reaching your goal. Succeeding in dating is about being open to new experiences and allowing yourself to fail as many times as it takes before you succeed. Date Like A Man will reveal what men already know about dating but are afraid you'll find out, such as. . .Dating is a Numbers Game. Always have a "pair and a spare"!"

Giving each of those a read will create an entirely new outlook on dating, people and relationships, liars and sociopaths, and dating as a "sport" (the way men approach it).

They spin the mind around and set you straight LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

Thanks a lot Mirror :D
Already downloaded two of them for the week end ;)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

There's one more I'd recommend that I could not locate in my collection yesterday, but have finally found this morning LOL.

You Can't Lie to Me: The Revolutionary Program to Supercharge Your Inner Lie Detector and Get to the Truth: http://www.amazon.com/You-Cant-Lie-Revolutionary-Supercharge/dp/0062112546

"Janine Driver was trained as a lie detection expert for the ATF, FBI, and the CIA. . .[she is] known in professional circles as “The Lyin’ Tamer”. . .essential tools that will enable them to detect deceptions, recognize a liar. . .cheating partners, devious co-workers, lying employees, or ubiquitous con men. . .uncover the truth in any situation while giving you the skills you need to keep yourself happy."

This one is not only helpful in relationships, but in life in general. She's a body language expert and the insights in the book are truly fascinating.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Mirror.
I have google-ized it and read some pages and it really seems very interesting.
But. .I notice that in order to deal with men....you advise to have a look on psychopaths and liars behaviors!!!!! :D
In France. .we are pretty used to consider americans as stucked into politicaly correct patterns and states of mind.
It is soooo dawm good to find such an open minded woman in this part of the world!!!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I notice that in order to deal with men....you advise to have a look on psychopaths and liars behaviors"

I advise that because not only will you most certainly come across these folks when dating, but you'll also come across them in life in general. So knowing how to spot one, and being able to identify when you're dealing with one is important.

People think that psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists, etc. are a rare breed that only make up a small portion of society. And while this may somewhat be true, it's necessary to realize that a "small portion of society" actually amounts MILLIONS of people. For instance, in the book The Sociopath Next Door, it's estimated that approximately 4% of the population represents these people. And that means that just in America alone. . .there are an estimated 12 MILLION sociopaths.

So take that 4% and apply that to the world population - which is over 7 billion right now - and you end up with approximately 280,000,000,000 sociopaths inhabiting this earth. 280,000,000,000 people that lack conscience, sympathy and empathy for others.

Truly frightening if you ask me.

And with numbers that large, you're coming across these people regularly in life. Which means that nowadays - it's crucial that you're able to identify when you're dealing with them.

"In France. .we are pretty used to consider americans as stucked into politicaly correct patterns and states of mind. It is soooo dawm good to find such an open minded woman in this part of the world!"

Well - that's just a common stereotype that Europeans hold for us LOL ;-)

Americans are no different than other human beings. I mean sure, we may take being politically correct a bir more serious than the rest of the world, but that tends to come from our country being a "melting pot" of different races, ethnicities, cultural backgrounds, religious beliefs, etc. This is the "Land of the Free" and as a result, we tend to be careful to be "correct" when approaching certain things so as not to offend other Americans who are decendants of immigrants into this country, each carrying their own traditions and beliefs - because this is the land of the free and as a result, all are free in their own beliefs. Meaning. . .we can't cram one single belief, or one single religion, or one single idea or way of living down people's throats and force them all to oblige.

And the reality is that in order for everyone to be free to participate in their own traditions, beliefs, etc. - we have to be very "correct" in our references. An example of that would involve the Christmas holiday here. Not everyone in this country is christian, although many would like to be able to force those beliefs and that way of life onto others. So not everyone here celebrates Christmas. And because of that, we approach it very "correct" in some instances, so as to be mindful of the fact that not all believe in Jesus.

Another example would be the display of the 10 commandments in public spaces. Again, not all Americans are Christians. Americans have religious freedom. As a result, we now tend to avoid placing the 10 commandments on display in public spaces so as to not offend those that aren't Christian and don't believe in them, practice them, etc. - and more importantly, so as to not force Christianity onto others in a country where religious freedom and freedom from religious persecution exists.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Many Americans do not like this "correct" practice. . .but it's very important to remember that the only natives to this country - are Native Americans. And as the Land of the Free, we cannot force all here to worship one God, practice one belief, follow one religions practices, etc. That would go against the very premise this country was founded on.

It's kind of ironic because this need to be mindful of the freedoms of others, which has caused this "correctness" to exist, is actually an attempt to permit the "openness" of living here LOL.

As in any country, we do have those that are very narrow minded and not open to this idea of freedom. But that does not represent the majority of our population in my opinion. And because we are the Land of the Free. . .we have many, many American citizens who "rage against the machine" regularly LOL ;-)

And as for me personally. . .I've raged against more machines than I would really care to mention LOL!!

Anonymous said...

Nethertheless Mirror, would you mind giving me your thoughts on his behavior these last day.
I am not quite sure of the way I should deal with my Mister Silent.
He has send a mail saying "I had written to you a long mail in the plane..but to keep it short..damned I miss you so! Not your body..but the one who feels..sees..knows. I miss my Virginie. I kiss you.".
I let 2 days pass and replay "Nice to hear of you. But you should have sent your long mail. I am not quite fond of summaries"
No answer.
Neither to send the long version of the mail (that maybe only existed in his imagination ;) nor to say "sorry..I have delited it"
Then on Monday he made two attemps to reach me by phone. I took the third one.
We talk ten minutes..casual talk...how are you....and you
..I am hapoy to hear you..so do I...blablabla..
And he quit saying that he was low battery on his cell phone and had a business day to go so if I didn't mind him to call me tomorrow...
I have ok.
And...he didn't call the next day.
So..I am wondering..what is he doing..exactly ;)
Is he playing some sort of..game?
Opening the doorjust to see if I am still there hanging around and leaving reassured?
Just like a cat giving a little kick to his mouse to make her move then ignoring her.
Is he just reassuring his ego?
Or is he trying to come back without knowing exactly what he wants? Some sort of on again/off again?
What attitude should I take now?
Still answering on a casual way.
Putting a no contact process again?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Is he playing some sort of..game? Opening the door just to see if I am still there hanging around and leaving reassured?"

There's a chance of that being the case, yes. And in doing so, he may be hoping that you'll be so desperate for him that you'll begin chasing him down LOL.

"Or is he trying to come back without knowing exactly what he wants? Some sort of on again/off again?"

There's a chance that this could be taking place as well. And the only real way to know what is truly taking place. . .is to do nothing, and observe HIS ACTIONS instead ;-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you Mirror.
You are right. Actions speaks lowder than words.
Waiting for him to act in some way or another, even if mirroring his communication or doing a NC is not waiting...arrrgghhh. ...what a waste of time!!!
It wouldn't have taken me 2 months to male my decision if I was in his shoes!
As time goes by..I am getting pissed off.
But you are right.
Nothing else to do than wait for him to move.
Or make my own decision to call it quit and deliver it to him :(

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
Can you please advice me on my relationship issue!
I'm dating a guy for more than 5 months and everything is more or less OK.He is a good guy, but he doesn't have much time for me! He is all the time busy with his work and different activities, but he can not find time for me! We are going out 1 or 2 times per two weeks. He is texting me most of the time but he is not calling me. He will call me just when we want to go out for a drink. This behavior is bothering me and makes me nervous. When we go out he is totally different person and it seems that he cares about me. Last time we been little bit intimate, but I couldn't sleep with him.I don't know why but I didn't feel secure and loved. Now he is not texting me any more. Hi was all the time ON and OFF and it seems that he likes that. I think that he is not into me at all...
Can you please tell me what to do. Ignore him or call him.
Thanks a lot.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 21, 4:37 PM,
"This behavior is bothering me and makes me nervous. . .I didn't feel secure and loved. . .Now he is not texting me any more. . . I think that he is not into me at all. . .can you please tell me what to do. Ignore him or call him."

Well the choice is yours, however, if it were me - I'd come to the realization that this man isn't making me happy, nor does he really seem to care to do so. And upon that realization, I'd make the choice to move on and away from him, so that I can find someone who cares about me enough to fulfill my needs.

The entire point of being with someone is that they make you happy, they make you feel good. When someone makes you anxious, worried and fearful, and makes you feel as if they could care less about you - this is not the RIGHT person for you.

The RIGHT person for you will fulfill your needs. They will WANT to talk to you, they will CARE what you're feeling, and they will TRY to make you happy.

If they're not doing that and instead they're causing you grief and anxiety - it becomes clear that this isn't working and it's time to move on :-(

Anonymous said...

Thanks a lot Mirror, you are right and it seems that it's time to move on.

Anonymous said...

guy i met 5 years ago messaged me on fb in Feb. been exchanging messages ever since. In march he told me he was in a serious relationship was engaged & it ended officially in Nov. I asked if he was over it, if he was doing the fling thing & he said he was 100% over it & you don't do flings with long d (live in diff cities). messages over next few months were great talked about serious things & not serious things. He visited in Feb, Apr, May & July his immediate family is here so he schedules me around that. spent a few hours together each time. July visit he talked about goals, relationships he asked if i would ever move. next day he took me to dinner with his friends. third day his best friend from his city was in town & he specifically sought me out to introduce me to him at a party. Later in july i asked about what we were doing and he said getting to know each other which felt too casual. so i asked him to stop talking like bf (calling each other baby etc.) because we were just friends (in my mind he needs to earn lovey talk which is intimate for "We are getting to know eachother"). he agreed. then i became frustrated with only text-how can we get to know eachother thru text only. i expressed this (as ultimatum) & he said he wants to hang out without pressure, not casually but to see if we can get along, understand each other & be happy together. then he said i'm happy to facetime whenver you want. (previously he said phone calls are annoying). so we facetimed for few weeks even when he was in europe on vacation- he facetimed to show me sunset & talk even though he was with friends. After he got back we stopped facetiming. He asked for me to visit again & this time i obliged as i was feeling comfortable w/ the calls in aug i visited. he was attentive, caring and thoughtful. But the few days leading up to the trip his messages were very minimal only a couple a day. Then sept he visited we only spent 2 hours together as he was busy with family & planned the meet very last minute (i was annoyed by this as he should have planned earlier but let it slide) but the 2 hours were good he held my hand, played footsies & walked with his arms around me like normal. Still lately it seems messages are infrequent only1-2 a day average and is just updates. He was in town for his niece's bday & texted me saying i'm home- i assumed he meant home from work but he meant home in my city. He said he thought he told me he was in town but he hadnt. night before i asked if we could have movie night (virtual) as we were barely talking but he thought i meant movie night because he was in town. he had not mentioned his visit at all the entire week. (he thought he told me end of aug). he agreed to hang out that night if i was free (i wasn't because didn't know he was in town) i said i couldn't & after we realized i didn't know he was in town he said "i can do something if you're not in a rush now or breakfast first thing tomorrow no worries if you cant make it work" this was not ok as he should have planned ahead of time to see me. Also him saying no worries if you can't makes it seem like he doesn't mind if we dont. I do not feel like he is prioritizing me anymore & we are back to only texting. He texted again after the "misunderstanding" from earlier (after a day and half which seems to be his new trend) like everything was normal. i responded saying that we are fighting. I want to say not planning ahead and communicating very minimally is not ok. because he's not calling & did not see me this time & messages have become infrequent should i end it (i'm not his gf) or be patient & give space? is he not interested anymore? has been 8 months What should i do? impose phone calls? am i overreacting? dont want to pressure dont want to waste time either

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 28, 12:37 PM,
"should i end it (i'm not his gf) or be patient & give space?"

Well that depends - how much more time are you willing to give this situation? He's had some 7 months of your life already, and instead of things progressing closer towards a relationship during that time, he's actually become more distant. And I realize it's long distance - but progress is progress and it can be measured. Whether it's simply progressing from text to the phone, or from the phone to video chat, or from infrequent random trips to planned intentioned trips with time spent together. . .any of that would count as progress in a long distance situation.

So you might want to step back and consider the amount of time he's been given already, and the amount of progress that's happened within that time frame, and decide from there.

And to look at it as - instead of trying to get him to comply with fulfilling your needs, decide if he's capable or willing to fulfill them. Meaning, don't wait for him to decide if YOU are right for HIM - YOU decide if HE is the right man for YOU. Because the reality is that we can't change people. We can't make them love us or want to be with us. Instead, we have to either be willing to accept what they're offering, or decide that what they're offering won't make us happy - and make the decision to move on.

"has been 8 months What should i do? impose phone calls?"

Well, as stated above - you can't force your will onto others. I mean, you can try, but you likely won't have success.

Instead, you have to decide if the person is right for you. Are their actions showing that they're interested? Are their actions showing that they're willing to fulfill your needs? Are their actions making you happy? Are their actions making you a priority? Are their actions leading towards a commitment?

If the answer to those questions is "no" - then you act accordingly and you make a decision that will lead you towards your happiness. (i.e. Deciding to move on and free yourself up to find someone who wants what you want.)

"am i overreacting?"

You're not overreacting - but your focus may be in the wrong place.

Meaning, you're focused on how to get him to change. . .instead of being focused on making the right decision for yourself based on what you've seen and what you know and how it's making you feel.

Anonymous said...

MIRROR YOU'RE THE BEST! This was the most honest thing I have ever read on this subject and for someone who needs it straight like me it couldn't have been more perfect! I was so sick and upset reading it because it was just so true. I have my answers because he has shown several of these red flags it's just that I never wanted to lose hope. He hit on me first, and after exchanging contacts nothing really happened for a while. There's been a little spark of interest shown from both sides, a mention of going out but nothing, it's been a while he is clearly not interested. The only trouble I am having at the end of the day is in the fact that he came on so strong to me at first, I wasn't really interested until days later and then he wasn't at all. Truthfully he's seems like a chill young guy not wanting a relationship and I feel the same...I just wanted to hook up...but never said or implied it because we have only said 10 words total to each other since first meeting. I'm guessing he was drunk when he first hit on me? How could he lose attraction so fast like that, attraction is all we need to bump uglies, right? haha. I want to pretend like he doesn't want to hit it and quit it out of the kindness of his heart but that's funny, who am I kidding? If he wanted sex from me he'd have tried already right? His sad sad loss. Anyway, thank you sooooo much, this article is a gift!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 18, 5:48 PM,
"he came on so strong to me at first"

That's reeks of the players game - come on strong and fast, then either insult or ignore the woman (i.e. "throw a neg"), then be there to comfort her when she feels like crap about herself afterwards and chases you down so she can feel validated once more.

You may find this to be an interesting read:


Anonymous said...

@Mirror That article was very interesting and very disturbing...it looks as though I do have a player on my hands...I kinda figured. Ugh. Thanks again for all your help!

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror, Part 1 of 2 I am updating on my post from 7/6/2015 @ 6:55PM. I want to make sure I am handling this how I should. We have been texting ever since, now and then he wouldn't send a text for about 2 weeks but then would reach out, I didn't answer right away but then he would text almost every day.I joked that he goes of the grid etc. I never asked him questions and always kept things light and I'm always sarcastic like he is. I will say over the past few weeks he has been texting all the time, no routine but very consistently. I rarely text him first. We get along so well and I really want this to work in the end.So he made a joke about me getting back with my X, so I said no way are you crazy, are you back with yours?he wrote, "we are but it's a total mess and I love her kids so much, partly what I wanted to talk to you about.Nothing really changes, a lot of issues.We'll talk I promise." I said everyone has issues, it's what you do about them that matters.They don't live together and never have. I asked a few questions on text and he said he wants to talk in person.So, this is the first time I have seen him since June.We met for drinks. Over the past few weeks he has brought up times from 3 years ago that he misses and how amazing it was etc. So we meet and long story short, he explained that they don't have a relationship, they barely talk to each other etc, he goes there to see the kids and he will miss them. I said you can still have a relationship with them, he said he know and what I said about doing something about the issues, makes so much sense.I said with all of the deaths that have happened in your life over the past few months, does that make you realize that life is short and you should be happy. He said yes definitely.He said her x-husband, brother, family etc knows what is going on and they even support it.I didn't ask but I assume he is going to officially end it even though it's kind of known. Then he said that his full disclosure is that he really just likes being with me, talking to me etc, not even having to do with sex and that he wants to be with me.He said he was even talking to one of his friends saying there is a girl he wants to be with etc.He brought up things we would do in the future, like a certain show he wanted me to watch with him, I said something about my dad, he said he would like him, just a few things eluding to a future. I just went with the conversation.I felt like I needed to just listen this time, no pressure, questions etc.

Anonymous said...

Part 2 of 2 - When we were talking, I said what is your deal, you're a mystery.He said I am busy, I've been traveling, working until midnight etc(I know this is true bc I know him and people where he works for business).I also know he has been a bachelor all his life so this is going to be part of who he is. His dad has cancer so I know he is with his parents a lot helping them also.I did say nobody can be that busy, when you want to make time for something, you do. He walked me to my car, we made out for a long time. He said we will get together next week, I said really because you said that when we saw each other in June, he said he knows and he promises we will.He said he would call me tomorrow. I joked and said, you will call or text. He said no, I promise that I will call.So, he did call, he has been texting etc, this was only Wednesday when I saw him. I also have a friend, who's cousin is very good friend's with him and he confirmed the issues with the relationship,kids etc without him knowing.I know he is a good guy, to a player etc because we have a lot of mutual acquaintances. So what is your take and advice for me? I planned to continue dating other people, if I get the opportunity, I do have a date with someone new on Sunday which I am going to see how it goes. I am just going with his lead and maybe next time we meet ask why are things different this time and how do I know it's really over with her? I just don't want to get hurt or get my hopes up to be let down like I was 3 years ago. We just click and I think it's obvious since he came back after 3 years and never really let go. I can’t explain it, but everything about us clicks. I hope he realizes this, but I don't know.I just know that this can be something great and I do care about him, but want to know your take.I know about all the rules etc and I am doing my best but this is also not a typical date since I know him from a business relationship but also dated briefly 3 years ago. Thanks for your help!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 23, 11:39 AM,
"I am just going with his lead and maybe next time we meet ask why are things different this time and how do I know it's really over with her?"

I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't give in to the tendency to want to ask for answers. Instead of his words, I'd look to his ACTIONS for the answers. It's not necessary to ask him why things are different this time, because the reality is that you don't know yet if they ARE actually different. It's too soon to know, and you haven't had enough time to observe his actions. Asking him is pointless because the truth is, he can lie, he can tell you what he thinks you want to hear, etc. The only thing that's going to provide you truthful answers is his consistent actions over a length of time.

And regarding whether or not it's over with her, again, this really isn't something you can ask about, and expect to receive an honest answer on. I'm not saying this guy is a total liar, but what I am saying is that if he's fibbing, or is still unsure, or wants to have his cake and eat it too - he's never going to come right out and tell you this anyway. So again, asking is somewhat pointless when you can't rely on the answers.

This too is something that will have to come to light over a length of time. I believe a woman can rely on her instincts many times, IF she's willing to listen to them, when it comes to whether or not she's got her man's complete attention. When a man makes you feel secure - you'll know this. When he puts you first, makes you a priority, makes time for you, remains consistent in his actions, doesn't disappear without explanation and doesn't make you feel anxious or worried - you know.

And when he doesn't - you know. As a woman, you sense something is "off."

But this is also where many women run into problems. They sense something is off, but they make excuses for the man, or extend him the benefit of doubt - instead of listening to their own instincts and pulling back accordingly. Many times, they even begin to pursue heavily and get closer as a reaction to what they're sensing. But this only causes confusion. Sensing something is off, and then deciding to proceed anyway, sometimes even more heavily, causes confusion. If you instead pull back and place some distance between you and observe his actions - the answers become very clear once your emotions aren't clouding or influencing them.

"I just don't want to get hurt or get my hopes up to be let down like I was 3 years ago."

That's why you don't rush into this. It takes time for things to grow, and it takes time to determine whether or not a man is genuine. When you rush in, it only adds to confusion because there hasn't been enough time to observe and gather information.

Just take your time - take it one day at a time. Don't commit yourself to him fully upfront, continue dating other men as you plan to (no sex), and provide plenty of time to observe, and plenty of room for things to grow. He's got to prove himself genuine this time around and he's got to do this consistently in order to make you feel secure proceeding into anything more serious with him.

And the only way that's going to happen is by slowly getting nearer to him over a long length of time - so that trust can be built. Once you feel you can trust him, and you know he's got your back, and he's been consistent in his actions - you'll feel secure with him.

If this slow progression takes place and stays on track, months into it things will begin to fall into place organically, without the need for questions. . .because HE will be asking things of YOU instead if he's genuine (he'll be asking for a commitment from you, and he'll be expressing love for you and not just feelings or affection.)

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much mirror. I completely agree. I think since I have been living my life and have been patient and given him space since June, it helped. Since Wednesday he has been consistently communicating. I'm looking forward to seeing him again because he seems to talk more in person and likes to limit intense conversation on text. Last night he sent me a text that he misses me and he was sorry. I asked what he was sorry for and he kept saying "just because". He went on to say nice things and just wouldn't explain what the sorry was for. I am guessing he is sorry for what happened the first time we tried to he together, but then my negative said thought maybe he is sorry because he can't leave her. I don't think the context of it was that, I do think it was because he made a mistake but I am cautious like you said. We have a very fun care-free banter so if I get the chance when I see him, I may bring it up because he also said it a few months ago and I just said it's ok, life goes on but I never questioned it. What do you think that means?

Anonymous said...

I was casually seeing a man for 3 months, and I believe that he finally ended it by blowing me off for a Halloween meet up we planned out by saying that "he felt like he wanted to be friends, but it was feeling like a relationship, which he's not about right now. We should take some time and be friends for now." I knew that he didn't want to be in a relationship and thought I could handle the casual thing--as I've done with one other man in the past. I continued dating others while dating him, and am still dating others (while making my intentions of not having sex with them very clear). I never told him about the other men I dated.

However, I really do like this person and enjoy his company...and wasn't looking for anything serious when I first met him. I grew attached, we were intimate once a few weeks ago, and I told him that I couldn't do the casual thing with him because of my increasing feelings following the act. I personally don't think it's a good idea to keep being intimate and attached to someone who isn't ready for a relationship--it amounts to too much pressure on the other person. I'm a little ashamed and embarrassed by my desperate behavior. I had to attend to family issues and was out of town for 2 weeks, we reconnected afterward (my intention was to go about this in an emotionally unattached way), and he asked me about my plans for Halloween. Other plans came up on my end, but I did try to make room for both. When trying to confirm the plans the day of, he texted me about wanting to be friends. I did not respond to his text about wanting to be friends and have simply tried to move on with my life--without having any contact initiated by me or him for the past two weeks or so. I jumped into no contact to help me to recover, but deeply fear that this one is gone for good due in part to my actions.

Do you think that there's a possibility of his resurfacing? I'm sad that my comment about casual sex bruised his ego and affected the overall outcome. It's quite upsetting as this is the first time he ever treated me this way, and I'm at a serious loss on this one. It's almost as though he felt pressured by the idea of hanging out with me on Halloween as opposed to simply having sex and leaving. Perhaps, hanging out could be too reminiscent of the past for him?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 11, 12:13 PM,
"I jumped into no contact to help me to recover, but deeply fear that this one is gone for good due in part to my actions."

How can this be a result of your actions? HE stated that he only wanted to be friends, no relationship. So how is that YOUR fault?

If it's because you're expecting him to contact you regularly as before, you need to work on readjusting your mindset to accept the new reality. Because when a man says "let's be friends" it amounts to "let's be civil to one another when we see each other." And if he does stay in regular contact, it's only because he still expects to receive regular sex. So any expectations of actually being "buddy's" should be released. And as you know, don't let yourself fall into being anybody's friend with a a benefit.

"I'm sad that my comment about casual sex bruised his ego and affected the overall outcome."

It didn't affect the outcome. Your comment had absolutely NOTHING to do with the outcome. Nor did it bruise his ego. This was ALWAYS going to be the way it ended, regardless of the situation or words said, because this was always only ever casual - and that's all it was ever going to be. Because he was clear that was his intent from the get-go, ya' know?

No amount of sex, and no amount of time spent together is going to make someone who doesn't want a relationship - want one. So don't beat yourself up over that. It was always only ever going to be casual, because you were dealing with a man that wanted nothing more than that from day one, and that's not your fault. It's simply his choice is all. And when you're faced with that option as a woman, you can either choose to participate in something casual, or you can chose to not participate at all and continue seeking out a man that wants the same things you want. I personally believe it's best not to participate, for the very reason of what you're now encountering.

I believe that casual sex can be emotionally damaging to a woman. And because of that, I don't believe it's worth the risk. Because in truth, what happened here is that he made it clear he only wanted something casual, you thought you could navigate that emotionally and participated. But, as it often turns out, after some involvement feelings started to surface. So what happened is he's going into it casually, you think you're going to be able to handle it casually, intimacy takes place, feelings start to surface, and now you want more, but the man is still right where he was when he started - he wants casual.

It happens. And truth be told, it's to be expected. Which is why most men, when casually dating, once they sleep with a woman once or twice - they start to fade away. They do this because they never intended to enter into a relationship in the first place, and they know that after some intimacy, a woman begins to get attached most times.

So what would've happened here, had you not put a stop to this yourself, is that this man would've disappeared on you anyway, most likely after one more romp in the hay. And THAT would've hurt you even worse. So honestly, it's actually a good thing that you ended this on your OWN terms, instead of sticking around only to watch him disappear on you, ya' know?

Because I can guarantee you, this was not going to go on forever. A man that doesn't want a relationship does not participate in a situation like this for years. He participates only sporadically for several months at best, and then he fades out of the situation.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I'm at a serious loss on this one."

But - why? It was to be expected. He only ever wanted casual, this wasn't going to go on forever or turn into more. He told you that early on. You knew going into it that he only wanted something casual, so why beat yourself up over it once the situation reaches an organic end?

Don't do that, it's not your fault. It's the way these casual situations go. Here's the definition of casual:

"relaxed and unconcerned. . .not regular or permanent, in particular."

See what I mean? Casual = not regular or permanent. It's an occasional, temporary situation. None of this is your fault. This is exactly what casual relationship are. . .short flings and brief affairs.

"It's almost as though he felt pressured by the idea of hanging out with me on Halloween as opposed to simply having sex and leaving."

He didn't feel pressured - in truth, he was probably trying to spare you ill feelings, and he wasn't going to use you. He knows that feelings have surfaced and he's not experiencing the same thing, so he chose not to use you sexually. He actually showed you some respect by doing that. He could've used you for sex, but he chose not to - probably because he doesn't want to hurt you.

Imagine how you would've felt having sex with him a second time, and watching him walk out the door, and possibly disappear after that? After a second time, your feelings would've only grown stronger. And him not reciprocating them and then disappearing would've been a devastating blow. He knows that - and he made a responsible choice NOT to go that route. . .even though he could've easily done so.

"hanging out could be too reminiscent of the past for him?"

Hanging out, knowing you're experiencing feelings while he's not, would've hurt you. Any man who continues to have sex with a woman that he KNOWS is experiencing feelings for him when he's not feeling the same. . .amounts to using the woman. It amounts to taking advantage of her. Men know this hurts a woman. And men with a conscience won't participate in a situation that they know will only cause the woman pain.

None of this is your fault dear - it was ALWAYS only ever going to be a brief, temporary situation no matter what was done or said. So don't beat yourself up about it. He's actually shown you some respect :-)

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much, Mirror. I am working on moving on from this situation so that I can ultimately meet someone who wants the same things now that I've learned casual sex is not the way for me. Honestly, it will take some time before I can dive back into dating because I rather work on being the best version of myself that I can be. In truth, I took a leap of faith by letting him in given that I don't have much dating experience in general. Normally, I would be closed off to people (I'm very shy) and had a feeling that this person had some level of genuine like toward me...just not as much as I did for him. I sincerely appreciate your take on it and actually feel that, although I'm in pain now, it all could have been much worse. I never thought that he could have been showing me some respect by not using me and will keep working on not beating myself up over this because it'll block off those who actually want a relationship. Lesson learned: no more casual situations and be completely honest with those I'm dating about what I want/need :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi, I am a woman in her 30s, and I have been thinking over and over about a situation I had with this guy, I want to stop asking questions to myself and I want to move on, but I am unable to, maybe your answers will help.

In a work meeting I met a guy, we immediately liked each other while talking during a work dinner and we spent the rest of the evening after the dinner talking. We were both in a relationship at the time. We met again some months later at another job meeting-convention. First thing he does is greet everyone in the room except me, to then walk over to me some minutes later casually asking if he had already said hello and when I made him notice he hadn't, he kissed me on the forehead in front of everyone. From this behavior I assumed he had some interest in me, other whise he wouldn't have been acting like that after not seeing me for so long. But I am aware it could also have been a red flag for a player. During that meeting the guy kept telling me how beautiful I was and the last night he kissed me on the lips. I did not expect him to and I was left frozen. But I kept thinking about him as days went by, so we kept in touch and we agreed to meet again. When I asked him where we could meet he invited me to his place, and yes this was clearly another big red flag as probably he only wanted sex. However in the end we were on a lovely date, talking a lot, in a nice romantic cocktail bar, and during the date he was opening up about his life, showing me pictures of his family... then he walked me to the bus stop and while we were waiting for the bus I told him I would have liked to spend more time with him, and he kissed me on the lips, again, many times... and in that moment the bus arrived. After the date he was traveling abroad for work and I was traveling too, so we were in touch through email for a while, I waited for him to be in touch, one day I sent him a nice pic, some days later he sent me a couple of nice yet casual emails, signing "kisses" and "love". Then after about a month we met again at a work convention. He was acting nice in the first days of the convention, being very supportive about job I was doing there, so during one dinner I wrote him a message telling him I was thinking about his kisses, and his attitude changed a little, as he would act alternatively nice and then ignore me, and he would also be flirting with other women. Did I scare him away? Should I have been acting more flirty on our date? He made me feel like I was unable to turn him on on that date and because of this he sort of put me in a friend zone, but I just thought on the date it was better to be myself, as I wanted him to like me as I am, and I also believe if a guy really wants to kiss you he will do it, you do not need to be superflirty or to tell him about your past sex affair to turn him on, right? And I believe the quick change in his behavior suggests he only wanted some casual sex, understood I was not up for it, and moved away. But then if this is the case, why would he kiss me at the end of the date if he was not interested at all, and why write nice emails and why act all nice as if he liked me? I wrote him about this and he says that he feels a bond but it is just a friendly bond, that he likes me a lot and because of this he respects me. So again he makes me feel as if he liked me physically and I somehow pushed him away, ending up in this friendship thing, but can one date be enough to push a guy away? I keep thinking about these questions and I am going crazy.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 15, 7:38 AM,
". . .during one dinner I wrote him a message telling him I was thinking about his kisses, and his attitude changed a little, as he would act alternatively nice and then ignore me, and he would also be flirting with other women. Did I scare him away? Should I have been acting more flirty on our date?"

I don't think this man is interested in a relationship. And what may have possibly happened here is, when you were the one to initiate and suggest that you were thinking about him - he thought, "Oh no. She's going to want a relationship eventually and start thinking we're a couple now. I can't have that, so I need to pull back."

Chances are, it was something along those lines.

I say it here often, but in truth, men really do not like to be pursued. And yea, they can consider one little "reach out" text like that with a romantic inference to be pursuit unfortunately. It can send a man into "relationship jitters" so-to-speak LOL.

I wouldn't worry about it too much though. Because chances are, had you not done that, this would've been the end result anyway. He doesn't want a relationship, he's only out for some casual no-strings fun. And I don't suggest that women participate in that type of thing. It rarely ends well for the woman, and can actually do a lot of damage (to be used sexually, and then discarded afterwards).

So the reality here is that truthfully, this guy did you a favor that night. He flat out admitted that he respected you, which means he doesn't want to hurt you. So instead of playing you and stringing you along, he was honest with you. That is a sign of respect, and it's also a good thing that he didn't simply play into that and use you. So while this may feel like something "bad" happened here, in truth it was actually something good, and it signals that this man does have some morals and ethics when dating.

". . .he says that he feels a bond but it is just a friendly bond, that he likes me a lot and because of this he respects me. So again he makes me feel as if he liked me physically and I somehow pushed him away, ending up in this friendship thing"

You didn't push him away. You can't push someone away that's not advancing towards you, ya' know? Meaning, he's not seeking a relationship. And that has nothing to do with you. It's simply where he's at in life right now. And nothing you would've done or said can change that. Regardless of how you behaved, the end result would still be that this man doesn't want a relationship right now.

So even if you hadn't sent that text - this man would still only want something casual, as "friends" and nothing more. All that text did was bring that truth to the surface sooner, rather than later, which is actually a good thing. Because knowing the truth is what keeps you from being used sexually first, and then walked away from after. So in this case, you found out the truth prior to becoming emotionally and sexually involved, which is actually a good thing, and it does show that he respects you as a human being - because he could've chosen to use you sexually instead first before telling you any of this, and he didn't do that which is a good thing ;-)

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror, thanks a lot for your answer – you are right and surely you made me realize I was fooling myself since the beginning when I thought I could sleep with the guy without hurting myself, but I thought "Ok, it's clear all I can have is very little, so I'll go for that little".

It probably would have been worse but I was resolved on pretending, because I liked him so much, that I could go casual too. But at the same time understanding he was only physically attracted to me actually hurt me a lot. So in the end during and after that date I did not manage to just pretend, I really felt I was incapable of pretending I did not care, and I acted consequently.

So I still do not understand why this man would kiss me at the end of the date if it was clear nothing was going to happen and if it was clear I was not just there for something easy as he had expected, it would have been better to say goodbye without kissing me, don't you think?

And I do not understand why he seemed so emotionally involved, supportive and (as other people told me) particularly caring with me during the convention, if he had already understood what the situation was like and even after I had written him that message. Was it as out of consolation? Or cruelty?

Because I believe a real sign of respect would have been to back off at that point, and gently ignore me, rather than reach out to me to hold his hand, and do other gestures showing some kind of interest-feeling-involvement that I could easily misunderstand for something else: because if you look for a person in moments that are particularly stressful and emotionally compelling to you, what do you think you are doing? To me it felt like having an emotional connection took off the physical one, and he admitted this connection and probably he felt it too and backed off because of it, which again as you say is a sign of not wanting a relationship. I am writing this because I have been in similar situations before an dI knew it was all in my mind and there was nothing coming from the other side, but this time it seemed and felt different.

So it all became a mess in the end. All people have their limits and I will always be wondering about his on and off behavior anyway.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 16, 6:03 AM,
"Was it as out of consolation? Or cruelty?"

It may have possibly simply been out of friendship, as he claimed he had felt a friendship bond with you. Friends are supportive of one another as well.

"I will always be wondering about his on and off behavior anyway"

Don't bother doing that dear - people who are "wishy-washy" and flake out on you are inconsistent and unreliable. That's what their actions are showing. As a result, you cannot spend your time attempting to figure them out because - they're inconsistent and unreliable anyway. Which means they're not even sure what they're doing half the time, or why they're doing it. . .in which case, if they don't even know, you won't be able to decipher that yourself either. So it becomes a futile effort :-(

Anonymous said...

What if you only said yes to one or two on the list? I started dating a good friend about 6 weeks ago, he is wonderful when we are together, cooks for me at my house while I put my feet up, buys me gifts, compliments me, opens up about his life, he is kind and attentive and he texts me every day, but I notice when we are apart he often seems a bit distracted or uninterested in the things I say, he always initiates and is always lovely but there's just something missing (when together it's a different story) I know he is big on texting. He texts his friends all day long. I asked him about it once and he said he just goes to a weird place sometimes and I should call him out on it but that he would do anything for me big or small. He always asks to see me again within a few days and we have a tendency to spend between 24 hours to 3 days together at a time! Is this nothing? just early days stuff or a red flag? I try to keep busy when he acts this way but it bothers me at times.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mon, Jan 4, 6:11 PM,
"What if you only said yes to one or two on the list?"

Then I'd say he doesn't qualify ;-)

"Is this nothing?"

Not if it makes you unhappy. If that's the case, then you need to decide if this is a man that is capable of making you happy, and one that's willing to do the work necessary to do so and to make a relationship work. If you feel he is, then this can be overlooked (call him out as he's asked). If you feel he isn't, then it'd probably be time to possibly consider moving on.

Unknown said...

Thank you for this...I been knowing someone for a while now, however we use to go to the same church for about 10 years..I dont know him outside of church but we have been texting and talking since 1/2/2015 and i have notice that for the last week and a half he havent been texting me or calling me..I was wondering why>>>>his excuse was that he work all the time so the text messages started being (hello) or (GM). That's it, I started beginning to feel like it was something i said to make him stop talking to me si I ask him if i said or done anything to upset him in anyway and if i did i apologize. He said that he work all the time..My thing is if he work that much how did he have the time to talk to me or text me before..After reading all this good information I realize that he do not have time for me and my heart tells me that he do not work as much as he say he do but I am not trying to run after him so I gave up and if he want to talk to my he have to contact me..I actually like this man but I am not trying to run after him...I see all the Red Flags within one month Thank you so much for the red flags...This helps me out a lot because I am not trying to be used and abused.

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