"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

Dating: When, Why, How, To Use No Contact

There are many dating rules out there, but it’s the tried and true ones, the old fashioned traditional ways of doing things, that really do work, which is why certain rules have held true and lasted over the years.

One of those rules happens to be the No Contact Rule. In this handy little guide, I’m going to explain to you the how, when and why’s of this rule: how to use no contact, when to use no contact and why to use no contact when dating. Because this handy little dating rule serves more than just one purpose and has more than just one use.

I’m going to be speaking to the ladies here, but men, this applies to you as well. But I don’t have to tell you that. You guys are well versed in this dating rule and put it to use regularly. But for those men who may not be familiar with it, read on.

When And Why To Use The No Contact Rule When Dating


When A Man Suddenly Disappears On You

No Contact is a handy little trick to attempt to lure someone back to you – by disappearing on THEM. As most women already know, powerful attraction builds for a man that suddenly, and without warning, disappears. Why? Because you begin to think about them constantly.

Where did he go? Is there someone else? Why did he disappear? It doesn’t matter if all the thinking taking place is actually negative in nature, it only matters that all that thinking is actually taking place.


Why?

Because when someone thinks about you constantly, it actually creates intense attraction for them. Playing hard to get works, ladies, which is why it’s another one of those good ole’ fashioned rules that’s stuck around. Psychologically, people tend to want what they can’t have. It’s called the Law of Scarcity and it works in economics and in relationships.

It’s a scientific fact – uncertainty heightens romantic attraction. So if you’re worried he’ll think you’re not interested and then be gone for good, don’t bother thinking that. That’s just your insecurities talking, that’s just you thinking you’re not good enough. But YOU ARE good enough. Have faith in yourself that you’re worth it – and that he thinks you are, too. Don’t sell yourself short because how you perceive yourself – is how others will perceive you as well.

You see, when he’s uncertain as to whether or not you really like him, it’s actually a good thing. It keeps him interested. It keeps him coming around. It makes him want to win you over. It makes him work harder at the relationship. All those things it does to you when it happens to you – it does to him as well.

When a man disappears on you and you worry that he may be gone for good - when he resurfaces suddenly, do you kick him to the curb? Nope. Well, it works the same for men, gals. When you disappear on them suddenly and without warning and then you resurface out of nowhere, they’re unlikely to kick you to the curb. Rather, nine times out of ten, the individual is thrilled you’ve returned.

Men know this, ladies. They use this dating rule regularly – on YOU.

When You Want Your Ex Back

This handy dandy little dating rule can also be used to lure an ex back into your tangled web. If you’ve overwhelmed your ex with neediness, emotional displays, tons of questions about his feelings for you, anger and frustration and, as a result, he dumped you and now you want him back - employ the rule of no contact immediately. Why? To make him think he was wrong about you - and to make him miss you.

Why?

Because men are human too, ladies. They miss people and they’ll miss you when you suddenly disappear and they’re ringing your phone and texting you and you’re not answering or responding to them. That’s when the roles gets reversed and now THEY’RE thinking about YOU constantly. And all that thinking, negative or not, is actually going to create an intense attraction for you. The point is to stay away so long that the man actually begins to “long” for you.

Men equate “longing” for someone with love, ladies.

To Get Over A Man

Yep, the no contact rule is truly a handy dandy little rule with lots of uses. And the last use is to help you get over a bad breakup with a man – to help you emotionally detach from him. Why do you want to detach from him? So you can move on, think about him less, and allow room to meet other men and cease the unhealthy obsessive thought patterns and embarrassing behavior that ultimately, only makes you feel worse about yourself and helpless.

Why?

You see, when you desperately hang on, when you remain in communication with an ex, you’re doing yourself a big injustice. You’ll never get over him if you’re still communicating with him. So do yourself a big ole’ favor here and stop doing that, right now.

If you want the pain to go away, ladies – you have to make HIM go away, because he IS your pain.

How To Use The No Contact Rule When Dating


When A Man Suddenly Disappears On You OR When You Want Your Ex Back

Generally, the no contact rule is a 30 day rule. How to do this is, when a guy suddenly disappears on you without warning or breaks up with you and you want him to notice you again, you get his attention by suddenly disappearing on HIM – you make him experience the consequences.

It’s what’s best for him and you. That’s how you learn lessons in life, that’s how you learn not to repeat your mistakes and that’s how you experience personal growth and develop coping skills. And yes, they call them “growing pains” for a reason – they hurt. So expect it to hurt and brace yourself for a wonderful period of self-awareness and personal growth.

You disappear for 30 days. You do not take his calls. You do not respond to his texts. You do not communicate with him via social media. You do not communicate or respond at all, period, for 30 days. You stay gone and all he hears are crickets chirping in the dead of night.

After not hearing from you or receiving a response from you for 30 days, he'll begin to think this . . watch the video below, a song called "Madness" by Muse, and pay close attention to what this man is doing in these lyrics here - he's THINKING - about the WOMAN, and what HE did WRONG and how he's now READY to face the fact that he needs to LOVE:


Some woman most likely pulled "no contact" on his ass there.

So then, after a 30 day time period (30 days from the time you decided to use the no contact rule) and lots of time for him to think, you suddenly and without warning – resurface. And you do so by either:

1.) Finally responding to a question from one of his last communications (if he’s asked one)

2.) Simply saying, “Hello, how are you?”

And when communication is reinstated – you keep it short and sweet. You don’t share your emotions, you don’t cry, you don’t text back and forth like lightening for 5 hours and you don’t have long, drawn out 3 hour telephone conversations in an attempt to hash things out. You play it cool. You’re busy, you’re independent, you’re confident and you have a life. You “check in” is all. You make small talk and nothing more.

And from that point forward, you play it cool. You take an hour or so to respond to texts. You return calls a day or so later. You don’t accept last minute date requests, he has to make plans with you 3 days in advance or – you’ve already made plans (even if you haven’t, you pretend as if you have – remember, you have a life and you want to give him the impression that you’re busy, healthy and others desire your time as well). This is how you set healthy boundaries, earn respect and get him to treat you with fairness and kindness.

If he’s started out after the no contact period correctly but then suddenly relapses into bad behavior again, then you employ “behavioral mirroring” with him. If he disappears on you for 3 days, you don’t respond for 3 days. If he takes 24 hours to answer a text, you take 24 hours to respond. If he says he’ll call and he doesn’t, when he does, you don’t answer it and you respond to it 3 to 5 days later. And if he really begins misbehaving and taking you for granted again – you employ the no contact rule all over again for 30 days. This is how you create fairness and balance in a relationship and how you hold your own and you don’t get plowed over again.

This is how you earn a man’s respect, ladies. If you’re a pushover, then that’s exactly what he’s going to do to you – push you over.

When You Need To Get Over A Man Or A Breakup

Breakups hurt, rejection hurts. And most times, they hurt women more than men because of all the emotions women are capable of having that men are not. Men don’t analyze things or beat themselves up. Men PROJECT their emotions – outward and onto others. Women ABSORB their emotions – and beat themselves up.

If you want the pain to go away, you need to walk through those emotions and accept the reality. The only way to get rid of the pain is to feel the pain, to work through it and to learn to cope with your emotions in a healthy manner. To make that process much easier for yourself, you employ the no contact rule.

You do not, under any circumstances, communicate with the man. If you do, you’ll have to experience the consequences of your OWN decisions here – you’ll experience pain again, because you’ve permitted it. So you ignore his calls, you don’t respond to his texts, you remove him from any of your social media profiles and you put the past in the past.

If you remain in contact with your ex, you’ll never heal and you’ll continue to experience the hurt. You must cease contact for your own good. If you want the pain to go away, get rid of the pain – he IS your pain - and you need to get rid of him.

This will help you to think of him less and less as the days go on. You will begin to detach from him and from all of the negative emotions and damaging thought processes. You will no longer feel the intense desire to cling to him or to reach out to him. You will begin to feel better about yourself and you will begin to make room in your life for a new man – one that treats you with respect and kindness.

Using the no contact rule to get over a man - helps you to actually get over him.

And there you have it, a handy dandy little guide to employing the no contact rule properly when dating. There are many times in life ladies, that you must learn to say “no” and actually take responsibility for your own happiness and stop blaming the man when it’s actually YOU permitting this unhappiness. If you want things to change – then YOU have to change. You have to learn to be happy, with or without a man, and you need to stop living under the false impression that you need a man to make you happy.

Your happiness doesn’t come from a man, it comes from within yourself - and you radiate it, like warm sunshine.

So get comfortable with the phrases below:

“No, I won’t tolerate this.”

“No, this is unacceptable.”

“No, I won’t permit you to treat me like this”

“No, I will not be available to you when you treat me with disrespect and take me for granted.”

It’s Simple Gals


If you don’t look out for yourself and treat yourself with respect, then why would anyone else? Men want sex. Women want romance. So the best (and only) way for a man to have sex with you – is to romance you. Period, case closed. It’s a tradeoff, and a fair and equal one at that.

So make them do that, ladies: No romance = no sex. It’s simple.

Learn to say “no” and set healthy boundaries in your relationships and you will actually find that you will begin to feel empowered. You will develop a healthy self-esteem. You will feel confident. You will signal to men that you need to be treated with respect. You will grow dignity. You will find that you worry less and less about impressing a man – and you become more and more focused on a man impressing YOU (romancing you).

You have something he wants (sex): Make him work for it (romance).

Do that and you will be happy. You will be treated with respect and kindness. Give it away for free and you’ll be taken for granted by a man who never wants to lift a finger for you or impress you or give you what you need (romance).

This is not game playing, ladies. This is setting healthy boundaries for yourself, looking out for yourself and earning respect for yourself – and making a man treat you with such.

And here’s the harsh reality, ladies. Recent studies have shown that the modern day woman kisses approximately 75 frogs before finding her Prince Charming. So realize that when you stand your ground and demand respect, lazy men, users, and players seeking sex for free will walk away from you. But that’s a good thing because you’re weeding your way through the worthless ones that would’ve only hurt you anyway.

So if 74 frogs leap away from you – realize that the 75th is on his way to you.

It’s the good ole’ fashioned way of doing things. Back in the day, they called it courting. Try it, it works.

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2494 Comments:

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Anonymous said...

Hi MOA,

Thanks for the insight you've provided on your page. It has been really helpful.

Here's my issues. I'm a Cancer female (38), and he's a Scorpio male (37. We met online 6 months ago. Since we've exchanged numbers, he has contacted me solidly by phone each day for the past 6 months without fail. When we first met, I went to his house for movie and a pizza but didn't have sex with him although he tried it. His uncle had just died, and he called me crying asking for support as in friendship presence. We'd been talking by phone for two weeks prior to this. I know, I know. The second day, you guessed, he ordered food and we watched a movie. I gave in. Since, every day has pretty much been in doors. I know, I know.

During the 2nd month of dating, he was totally distant with the exception of calling. He didn't invite me to visit at all. From the 3rd-6th month, I stayed over his house nearly every single night without fail. The problem is, we've only kissed one time. He doesn't cuddle with me at all. He's an obese guy and I'm a small woman. I thought maybe this had something to do with it although he cuddled extensively with my on date #1. We've only had sex in one position the entire time with me turned away from him. I know, I know. Yes, his profile is still active. Lately, I've sensed he's starting to talk to other women via text or calls. I exploded and expressed my concerns about a lack of commitment. Plus, I have not met any one his family although he invited me to a work trip where I went and met his coworkers.

Ten days ago, I initiated No Contact as self-preservation and to restore my dignity. He still contacts me regularly via a phone call or a text. Five days ago, he wanted to talk if I didn't mind. I still didn't respond.

Question. Do I allow a conversation for him to speak to me? Or, do I continue the NC for the entire 30 days?

Note: He texted and said that he likes me a lot and hate that I'm no longer there. I feel as if his liking me is not enough, and that he is using me as company and nothing more. Additionally, I've realized my errors of always being available, giving in physically too soon, allowing house dating, and not setting healthy boundaries. My emotional outburst was also an attraction killer. The only outside of the house dates were on my birthday. Also, I just feel as if he's not into me.

Thanks for any insight you can provide.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 14, 4:36 PM,
"Do I allow a conversation for him to speak to me? Or, do I continue the NC for the entire 30 days?

Hi dear, I've answered your question on your original comment here: http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure if anyone still reads these comments, I surely hope so. If anything I'm grateful to have a sounding board just to get these feelings out. My relationship started out incredible. He was everything I ever dreamed of, too good to be true, it took almost 8 months for me to believe he was genuine. When I finally did, I began to really want his affection, he didn't respond well to this, he's not an overly emotional or affection person. after bringing it up several times (of course not thinking that it was that big of a deal) he blindsided me with halting the relationship. this was about a year in, we had already talked about moving in together and both of us had taken steps to make that happen. When he broke it off, i used no contact, after a month he reached out, we hung out, and its been off and on like that for 8 months. He says he wants to be friends constantly. I made the mistake of sleeping with him a handful of times. His reason for calling it quits is he couldn't make me a priority". He was the one who continued to reach out over the last 8 months, the one who initiated 90 % of our time together.

I've had some emotional outbursts during this time one or two pretty large scale meltdowns.

Not feeling secure has really taken its toll. I lashed out at him for "using me" and he said he would do better and apologized for making me feel that way.

3 nights after the "lashing", I was attending an award party for my familie's business at a popular gallery venue, he showed up there with a date. I had mentioned this party to him weeks previous, but when we said hello he acted oblivious. It wasn't until that moment, when he turned away and said he was "going to get a drink" i realized he was on a date. there was a girl standing there waiting for him.

While I stood there (my parents as witnesses) watching them walk away. they left the venue. that was 2 days ago, I have not called or reached out. Neither has he.

I thought he didn't have time to date? He told me so many times he wasn't dating anyone. He wasn't ready.

what a fucking fool I am right? The sick part, I can't stop thinking about getting him back - i love him afterall, I patiently waited, compasionately understood his lack of emotional output and made it clear I would always be there for him.

What is wrong with me? Why would I continue to love someone whos dating other people, repeadetly told me they just want to be friends and pubivally embarass me infront of my friends, my family, my co-workers, and employees?

Love - this isn't love, this is a toxic waste of time i wish i would have turned the no contact 8 months ago into a no contact for ever. I've wasted 2 years of energy, of heartache, and have nothing but another heartbreak, another few months of grieving to show for it.

So tell me, no contact or just NO?


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 15, 6:07 PM,
"So tell me, no contact or just NO?"

Just NO.

Precious years of your life are passing you by. Why invest another ounce of them into something you've already invested 2 years into -- with absolutely no return on that investment?

People can only treat you as poorly as you LET them.

Take back control of your happiness by making a wise decision for yourself to place this man squarely in your past and never look back, and never respond ever again.

If you do not do that dear, and you make the decision to continue moving forward with him - regretfully, you will only have yourself to blame for any pain and hurt experienced after that.

Don't do that to yourself. You deserve better. Release the chains of the past to free yourself to go out there and find what it is that you deserve :-)

Anonymous said...

Thanks MOA! I really needed to hear your comment. This is ScorpLover. It was RIGHT on time. I'm literally blown away but in a GOOD way. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you:>)

Anonymous said...

After five months my bf told me the same as the recent anonymous... That he is not ready for a relationship... I told him im not ok for a half baked relationship with anyone...I am in strict NC.. Its been 10 days, yesterday, he sent me a FB invitation to an event...not to everyone it is intended to me...but I have not checked it or replied. I am following strict NC and this blog has been God Sent for me..I have also joined Salsa classes and intend to avoid running into him at all costs...I was not even needy or difficult! Men....!

Im definitely going to find the Right Man and he will me....dont give up girls...

Anonymous said...

Update from the Anonymous 19th Oct 3:48pm...so I had two feeble attempts from him on day 9 and day 20... Which I completely ignored..today is day 23, he sent me many messages asking how I was and saying he hopes to see me and understands if I wont (because he was very selfish and cold )and he is very sorry about his attitude. What do you think Mirror? Im planning to ignore him till the 30 days are done...and then send him a msg...answering his questions, with abs no expectation as Im ok to keep walking if needed.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous November 1, 5:52,
Sounds like he's trying to soften you up a bit (maybe in preparation for friends w/ benefits). But he's doing a crappy job at it. He admits he's very selfish and cold, he's sorry about that. . .but he's not going to do a damn thing to change it.

So there's your answer right there.

He's fine with who he is. He has no intention of changing. He sees the problems and doesn't care. And he'd just like you to accept his ignorance and be happy about it.

I wouldn't waste my time with this one. Nothing is going to change here. If you'd prefer to speak to him after the 30 days, that's your decision. Honestly, it'll likely be a waste of time. If you're prepared to keep walking, I'd probably do that when the 30 days are up instead of wasting time going backwards into the past ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror, Thanks for your reply. Hmm, interesting reply.
In the meantime, eight hours later he added more messages, saying he could not stop thinking of me, really loves me, wants our kids to meet and that we spend time together most of the time..and saying he wanted a relationship with me :)
Basically, he has thought about everything in my absence and atleast his words now sound like he has processed
What do you think? I have not replied yet. Basically now, he has really told me everything that I wanted to hear. How do I take things slow?. WHen do I reply...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 2, 8:36 AM,
"How do I take things slow?"

You do this by not jumping right back in where you left off. Instead, you slow things down a bit by not seeing him so much at first, not jumping on his calls / texts, and simply by literally taking it a bit slower so that you are given ample time to observe his behavior. To see if his words actually align with his actions. So that he can prove himself as genuinely interested in a relationship through action, by following through with what he says and what he's promised.

It's not unusual for people to say one thing, then turn around and do another. It's not unusual for men to say they want a relationship, get the woman back, but then continue doing what they were doing originally without changing a thing.

So your goal here is to slow things down to see if he's actually going to follow through with what he said, and to see if his actions are that of a man in a relationship, or just more of the same. If he proves himself consistent, follows through and does what he says he's going to do, behaves committed to you and the relationship, wants to spend more time with you, etc. - then you have the reassurance that you can speed things up ;-)

Anonymous said...

Thank You Mirror for your time. This is Anonymous Nov 2, 8.36am
So turns out he was in love with some woman (who never reciprocated but was a close connection in his exes life) for a year before his separation. They were friends and he ended up leaving his marriage because he could not stop thinking about this woman. Now he has been divorced since a couple of years. He is not a very busy ladies man. As in he has not been having loads of affairs and was in a long marriage with his wife. And turns out he broke up with me for the same reason and in the time he was split up with me, he finally had a very clear and definite No from her. Lo and Behold, he was back to me. Claiming that a shared Love affair was more fulfilling than a one sided thing etc., I am happy he was honest and that shows me that I didnt choose a Loser..anyway I have told him that i wont be his aide to get this person out of his head. And getting back will not solve anything. And that I appreciate him being honest cause now I understand the problem moments in our relationship which seemed to be out of my control. I have left the door open that if ever he is over her (after a conscequent amount of time) and he still feels the same about me...he can reach out and we will see if I am available. I think its one of the hardest things I have ever done but I know its better than having my heart broken twice by the same man for the same issue. I dont have any angst or anger against him as now his honesty has helped me. He asked me to forgive him and I did.And he said who knows someday we can love each other fully. So we shall see..I will post of course if ever there is a suite to this story. Thanks for your site and for helping so many women.

Anonymous said...

i need advise on what to do- me and my partner have been completely smitten everyday of our 10 month relationship, we got offered a house through the council as he has a little boy and he was so excited saying we had our own little family home. his parents were getting so involved and i let it get to me one day when we was planning to have a family day out his mum said she was coming i was like i cant do this anymore i need it to be about our family! he begged me not to end it then the next day we told his parents we would be moving in( this was 10 days ago) then that night he was really off with me just kind of cold so i said id go home and he said he needed space. The next day he came and said his head wont let him do it anymore and he cant be with me. then on the sat he knocked at my door at 4 am wanting 'sex'- got it then disappeared- i pounded him with texts etc to try and get him back then a few days later i checked in a photo of me and that i was going for dinner with a guy called mat(a friend) the next day my ex unfriended me on facebook and changed me from his picture. i messaged him ouch- and he said well i didnt want to see you going out for dinner did i, we talked and agreed to go out for dinner that night and talk, he was sending me messages like ' i cant wait i may have been missing you a little' etc etc, we went out for dinner had an amazing time and i saw the old him back- then he said i know what i want, i was like ok, he said i want to go back to dating and having fun with you, i settled for it as thought it was the only option but struggled to understand as we had been a family for 10 months. then he was taking ages to arrange a second date but i backed off and yesterday he told me that he only sees me as a friend ( we have had sex 3 times since the breakup), 30 minutes after a whole conversation about being friends we was dirty talking via text and agreed to be friends with benefits. I dont think he wants it to end i just dont think he is ready o commit and the prospect of moving in together probably scared him into that decision- so i started the no contact yesterday and he called 6 times and a message last night and 4 times this morning but he knew i had an important hospital appointment and think he was just trying to ask if i was ok...is no contact going to make him miss me as we had such a perfect relationship and he has changed his mind 4 times since we broke up already...

Adri said...

Dear MoA,

I have been an avid reader of your blog for a long time and always benefitted from your wisdom both directly and indirectly, through your advice to others. I need your insight on my current situation.

I am 33 and started dating a 27 year-old guy a year and a half ago. We started strong and at the beginning all was good, as it usually happens. He is a kind and reliable man, he cares about me and we mutually love each other, however, I am not in love (and I think neither is he). We have been doing long distance for 3 months now and there are 7 more months to go as I work abroad this year. Although it is hard, we support each other and have lots of plans for the future but am not sure if we have a future any more.

We could not be more different in terms of personality….He is an extreme extrovert and I am an extreme introvert. He loves being around many people, going out, partying etc. Since we started long distance, he has been going out 4 times a week regularly with his friends – clubbing, house parties etc. He drinks and sometimes even takes drugs during these nights – somehing which I myself don’t do or approve of but as he does not do it excessively I have been trying to accept it as I can see how happy he is when he is out with his friends. I have asked him several times to calm down a bit and cut down to at last one or two nights out a week (as an introvert I don’t even understand why one has to go out every week??) but it doesnt happen and there is always an excuse…”Now my cousin is in town, oh it was my buddy’s birthday etc”.

We talk everyday, text, skype, but many times he is hangover or bc of the time difference one of us just falls asleep during the conversation. I feel my emotional needs are not satisfied and I am not happy.


Adri said...

Cont...
Another thing you need to know about me is that when I was 14, my parents divorced and I haven’t seen my father since then. A few weeks ago my brother and I decided to find him and get in touch with him again. I had told my boyfriend about it on skype briefly as it was really late at night. I told him we have his number and will try calling him (my father) the following day. He said he would like to know more about it and that I should definitely tell him all the details the following day. I didn’t bring up the topic again as I was expecting him to ask (maybe too much to expect?) but a week has passed and he didn’t ask anything - we mostly sent each other pics of food we ate….Tonight I called him and he was at a party again…I heard people singing and talking loudly. I told him I wanted to speak with him about something important – I wanted to tell him about how the phone call with my father went. And to my shock, he didn’t remember…

I had thought he didn’t ask bc it was a sensitive topic but he admitted he actually forgot…Then I heard people asking him to come and dance, girls laughing and giggling in the background…. I felt such deep sadness and started crying (he didnt hear from the noise and I didn’t even want him to know) and he said he has to go bc people are waiting and it was cold outside but we would talk tomorrow. I don’t want to talk to him about this any more as he does not deserve to know. I haven’t told anyone about my father, only my brother and I know (we havent even told our mom thet we were back in touch as it is such a powerful and emotional experience for us). Then I tell him and he doesn’t seem to care….

I want to go no contact now for 3 days and think things over the weekend. I know he didn’t do anything ”bad” to punish him with no contact but I feel I have to punish him. I don’t know what else to say or do to make him understand that I don’t like his lifestyle and want him to stop it and want him to pay attention to me. I don’t want to give him an ultimatum and don’t think I want to break up yet. And honestly, I don’t think he would or could stop his parties….which is a big concern of mine. I know it is an age thing as well. Overall he is a good man but sometimes I feel his buddies and parties, drinking and drugs are his priority and I don’t know if I can do anything about it. What would you do in my place now? Thank you ever so much for reading it and being there for all the women here xxx

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Adri,
"I don’t know what else to say or do to make him understand that I don’t like his lifestyle and want him to stop it and want him to pay attention to me."

You can't control others dear - you can only control your reaction to them.

If a man is not capable of making you happy, or making you a priority in his life, the answer is not to spend time thinking about ways to change him. The answer is to spend time deciding FOR YOURSELF if this is a man that's even capable, or willing, to fulfill your needs and make you happy.

If he isn't, then YOU MAKE THE DECISION to move on. You don't waste time trying to change him. Instead, you accept that he is not the right man for you -- and you move on, and away from him.

NEVER sit and wait for a man to make a decision about you. YOU have a say-so in your own happiness, and YOU are the only one responsible for it. If the man in your life causes you nothing but worry and anxiety, instead of happiness and joy, then his actions are telling you that he's not the right man for you :-(

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror,
I dumped an disrespectful DM more than a year ago and have never looked back, I ignored his lame texts and got on w my life (i.e dating someone else) etc. The DM den recently met up w me for a catch up to celeb my bday in advance. There, he subtly asked (hes never a direct person) why I broke up w him a year back. I said when a man is not treating u w respect and crossed the boundaries, he shld be prepared to lose the woman. He den said mayb the man does not know what was the woman's boundaries (bull shit right?) He den went on to share stories abt the girls who r interested in him but he is not interested in pursuing them bcos he suspects they r only aft his money and he some of these girls alr have a bf. He also mentioned that theres no unconditional love in this world, which makes him so disillusioned.

What is ur insights on this mirror?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 20, 9:05 PM,
"What is ur insights on this mirror?"

I suspect this man hasn't changed one bit. He's simply doing what 99% of these men do, which is circle back around to you when they've hit a dry spell, or it's your turn in their rotation once again.

Sounds like nothing but more of the same to me :-(

Anonymous said...

From Anonymous Nov 20, 9:05 PM

I totally agree w u Mirror- most DMs will never change. I told him in a rs, there will be unconditional love until boundaries are r being crossed. He den proceed to ask what if the guy doesnt know what is the girl's boundaries. I told him too bad den LOL.

Wat would u have ans if u were me? =)

Adri said...

Dear Mirror, it is Adri again. Thanks you for your words of wisdom. Deep in my heart I know that I should not wait for him (to change) but it is just so hard to do...:( I don't want to break up with him.

There are developments: He told me a week ago that he is not entirely sure that we are good together and bc we had so many fights in the past (that I initiated about his excessive night life) and he is unsure about us. He doesnt want to break up yet he said and he is saying his feelings are getting better but he needs time. That devastated me. He is initiating contact every day and responds my messages immediately but there is way less affection and interest on his part than before and his answers are short and factual. It is really painful for me to experience as I am abroad alone on my own and would really need him.

I am thinking about going to NC for a few days, maybe 3-4 so he might start missing me or realize what he is risking and that might help get his feelings back on track. But he didn't "misbehave" as such so I am not sure if that is a good idea. I would really like your opinion. What is the right response to his behavior? What would you do? Should I do a few days of no contact or shall I just let him contact me and still be nice and respond him (but not initiating anything myself)? Or mirror him and be factual?

Thank you ever so much for the time and effort you put into helping us.
I am forever grateful xxxx

Anonymous said...

so I have been seeing another guy while i have been enforcing the the no contact rule does this mean it won't work i posted it on social media. My ex has a girlfriend also but I still like him. He texted me about two weeks ago qnd was being really nice telling me to apply at his work asked how things were going i asked him the same.He repliedthings arent to bad I guess. Then he popped the question if i had gotten me a man yet?? I never replied then 4 days later sent him a mssg telling him I applied 3days later he texted back asking if they called i replied but he never replied back until 3 days later on Thanksgiving he sent me 3 messages asking if he could have a ride he has no license.I ignored all 3 texts deciding right then and there to start the no contact rule.I have not heard from him since I ignored his texts on thursday (Thanksgiving) Saturday I went and hung out with the other guy and posted it public on facebook. Is this going to work you think any advice would be welcomed ๐Ÿ˜Š

Anonymous said...

Hi there,

I just wanted to share my experience with a guy as well because I really need some
Advice.

Basically I met a guy in September and he came on really strong and after just two days of talking by text he told me he liked me. Things escalated so much that he even said he loved me after our first date.

However after our second date in which we also kissed he became a bit unsure, and after an argument he said he'd like to take things slow and we are just friends.

I got a bit emotional after that and wanted more clarity but also felt like I was getting attached to him so I tried speaking to him a lot, by phone call and text message but he was cold. During our next meeting he said that he's really scared of commitment but would still like to be friends and take it from there.

Fast forward now and two months later we've met a couple of more times but it's no the same at all. He easily gets annoyed at me over something very small, and he visibly looks bored. I have initiated contact most times because I get anxious that he won't speak to me. Sometimes when I think I shouldn't he would message but his messages are never warm and almost always one worded.

This situation has made me so very upset and I just don't know what to do and where we stand. I like him and like spending time with him. But over time I feel he's losing interest. Should I apply the no contact rule? We have mutual friends as well.

Thank you so much. Any advice will be extremely helpful. :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 5, 9:20 AM,
"Should I apply the no contact rule?"

The choice is yours. However, if you want your sense of self-worth back and you'd like to gain some clarity on your emotions. . .30 days to yourself (no contact, no response) is a wise decision ;-)

Nelly said...

What if the 30 days are in December during holidays? Will it still apply to ignore text n calls?

Gem50 said...

@ Nelly,
30 days is 30 days, whether in December or July.
NC is about you dear. If you feel NC is needed for YOU, for any or all of the reasons explained in Ms. Mirror's articles, and it happens to be December, so be it. Take care of yourself first :)

Meririn said...

i really love this entry! I'm writing with a guy for 3 months now. He writes everyday once and always long messages with emojis.I reply the next day. also long.
we also made plans to meet
but I've noticed.. if i reply on the same day or after half hour he ignores me.
i wait some days and write again and he replies again with an apologize. soooo I'm gonna wait some more (as long as he ignored me). and when i send a message he replies immidately.

is that a good sign or a bad ?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Meririn,
It's not a good sign, but it's also too early to tell. I'd reserve judgment until you've at least followed through with your plans to meet, and then go from there.

Anonymous said...

My ex feels entitled to tell me that he thinks me going NC has been “long enough”.

It has been 8 months of no contact between my ex and I. However, he keeps finding ways to contact me and will not accept the fact that me going no contact is not to punish him, but rather for self preservation, detachment and moving on. Over the weekend he contacted me to say that he wishes I’d just respond to him and that he thinks it’s been “long enough now”.

He is framing my decision to go no contact as me punishing him and is projecting his own timeframe of when he thinks I should be over things. This is what it has come down to. Him feeling entitled to tell me when he thinks me not speaking to him has been long enough. He is not respecting my need for NC and is being pushy.

Anonymous said...

I know the situation is very serious, but excuse me please, it's written so funny, hahaha

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 15, 1:26 PM,
"it's written so funny, hahaha"

I like to find humor in even serious situations - if we take ourselves too seriously, life is simply no fun LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror thank you so very much for all of your expertise. I think I have been using some as I constantly find myself not understanding a situation with a man. So I have a question that I'm feeling a little conflicted about and not exactly sure how to continue or proceed and would really appreciate your HONEST feedback. So hear it goes,

This guy I had met about 3 years ago reconnected. Within a month of talking daily, never dating, I slept with him. I knew it was a big mistake on my end. I knew better. I cannot make an excuse for the strong physical attraction the both of have for one another. He would call me daily, at least 3-6 times a day. Each time I'll answer and we'll chat like old highschool friends. Then without actually dating, we slept together a few more times until I realized that this casual sex doesn't work for me especially when I am starting to develop feelings when I thought I would be able to detach. So one day this week he told me that he has to pull back on me because he's catching feelings for me and neither one of us is in a position to take it to another step. I was amazed at his comment and I was noticing his pull back. He still contacts me daily but its not 3-6 times a day. We have not had sex in just a week and I'm totally fine with that because I have been giving it up for free. Although I have a strong liking for him, but I feel I need to pull back but not sure how to. I understand the NC rule but here's the thing with it when I do it to him. When I finally respond to his call or text, he asks me so where have I been, he's been calling me but I'm not answering, saying that I"ve kicked him to the curb, or asking me what i have going on for the day, then what I will be doing after that and then after that etc. So my response is that I was busy and I do my best to keep it short but he always has a way of getting me to share more than I should. Then he'll invite me over to his friends house, I've gone a few times, but these last couple of times, I don't even bother. Then he'll call asking if I'm coming over. I'll tell him I'm in the bed or if I am sleep I don't answer but then the next day I'll get a call from him and I'll respond and he'll be like, I called you last night but you didn't answer, I wanted to come over but I knew you were sleep so I didn't want to bother you or what's up what are you doing today? Ugh!!! I like him alot and I know he likes me as well. He's actually a nice guy but has some things he has to work through on his own. I am doing my best to keep him as a friend because when I need him to do something for me, I am able to count on him. But I just don't know what to do with this situation.

What do you think about this? Any feedback on how to handle him? Please please help mirror!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Wed, Dec 28, 9:34 PM,
"What do you think about this? Any feedback on how to handle him?"

You don't owe this man any explanations. And you don't have to answer to him. He has not made a commitment to you and in fact, he has told you he will NOT be making a commitment to you.

He cannot, and should not, expect relationship type treatment from you when you have not committed to such, and he has not offered it to you in return.

He wants his cake, and he wants to eat it too, without giving up or sacrificing anything in return for it. It's not fair for him to expect you to devote so much time and attention to him when he's offered you nothing in return. Additionally, his behavior is a bit over the top in that - it's unusual to speak to someone you're not dating 3-6 times a day. Frankly, that's more than even most couples speak on a daily basis, short of touching base with one another for various reasons.

"When I finally respond to his call or text, he asks me so where have I been, he's been calling me but I'm not answering, saying that I"ve kicked him to the curb. . ."

The next time he makes remarks like this, you need to answer him truthfully and explain to him that you cannot be expected to behave like his girlfriend when you're not and he has made no commitment to you. He will not like this, and he will likely react poorly to it - but let that take place.

Let him experience the reality of the situation.

And don't permit yourself to focus so much of your time and attention on a man that isn't devoting himself to you. You're making a big investment here into a man and a situation that isn't paying off in a sense. Meaning, while you're distracted with him, you may be missing out on something or someone that is meant for you.

His expectations of you are not in line with the reality of the situation. And you're going to need to slowly distance yourself from him so as to not waste precious time investing into something that you already know isn't going to pay off for you. Yes, he's a good friend right now. But friendship generally does not require this type of investment.

"So one day this week he told me that he has to pull back on me because he's catching feelings for me. . ."

And I'm assuming that he thinks this is a bad thing, which is why he's pulling away from it and treating it like something he cannot be involved in.

So in essence, his ACTIONS are telling you that he will not permit himself to feel for you. Yet, he expects you to be as available to him as a girlfriend would be.

Not fair, and not realistic on his part.

"neither one of us is in a position to take it to another step"

Well, what you may not realize is that - he's ALREADY taken this to another step. He's already expecting you to act as a girlfriend. He's already investing a large amount of his time into tracking you down and attempting to get you to answer to him. He's already contacting you numerous times a day. He's already asking to see you regularly.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

So really - what MORE is there that would cause him to feel he cannot take it to another step? His feelings? He doesn't want to feel for someone?

He's already behaving as if he's in a relationship with you. He's already investing a lot of time into you and this. The only thing he's NOT doing - is permitting himself to feel for you.

And if that's what holding him back from making a commitment to you, you need to understand that this man is emotionally unavailable. And emotionally unavailable individuals can string someone along for years.

If he's not willing to invest his emotions into this - then what's the point? What's the point of investing so much of yourself and your time into him any further? And what's the point of doing so in with the idea that maybe someday, that will change? He's already shown he will not permit that. And when individuals feel that strongly about their emotional barriers, no amount of time changes that. It's only when THEY work on themselves, by themselves, that they're able to drop those walls and let themselves care for others.

If he wants to remain friends only. That's fine, and that's his choice. He's entitled to that. But what he's NOT entitled to - is a large amount of your time and focus. He only gets that with a commitment. So he needs to understand that if he's unwilling to "take it to another step" and he wants to keep it at a friendship only level. . .he only gets so much of you and your time in return. He cannot expect "more" of you when he's not willing to give you more of himself.

Again, he will not like this conversation. He will not like the truth. He will try to justify his behavior and he will try to get you to understand. And while you can, and should, understand where he's coming from - that does not change the fact that with friendship. . .you can only expect so much. You cannot expect relationship treatment in a friendship only casual situation.

And if he gets upset after this discussion and distances himself from you in frustration, you need to let this happen.

Otherwise, both of you are behaving as if you're in a relationship - except he's not investing himself emotionally into it. You will not find this fulfilling, and it's not fair to expect that of you. Your emotions will become collateral damage.

Look out for yourself here. And let him work through his emotional barriers on his own. Should he accomplish that, he knows where to find you. And if you're still available at that time, you can reconsider the situation with him when that time arrives.

But right now, you're investing too much of yourself into a situation that is not going to pay off for you. A situation that is distracting you. And a situation that could be keeping you from finding, or meeting, someone that WILL make themselves emotionally available to you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror, so here is my situation. I met a man online and we were communicating almost daily. We had been out several times and everything seemed to be going well. Although, I usually was the one who had to initiate contact, but he would readily respond. After a couple of weeks, we had made plans to meet up and I said great does 8pm sound good. He dropped off. Later that evening we were texting all seemed good and again I mentioned so.. 8pm tomorrow sound good? He dropped off again and explained the following day he had fallen asleep. I responded that I had already made other plans since we hadn't confirmed a set time, he replied he didn't see that and he was sorry. I let it go.. So, a couple of weeks pass and we are still texting at this point, but I started to feel I was the pursuer and I said.. this is where I will be if you want to meet. Well, he showed up..with a female, I was with a group of friends, so I wasn't going to dare approach him at that point, we just waived at each other from across the bar, I acted aloof. The next evening he texts me...Sorry I didn't come up to you...you were busy with friends.. I replied ..same here, you seemed busy as well. We weren't committed so, I brushed it off.. We still continued texting, then saw each other again Dec 23, we hooked up. (not sex) but heavy kissing. On Christmas, I again..texted Merry Christmas, he responded. Hey Hun..,Merry Christmas hope to see you again.. We still continued texting for a few days, I told him I was going to my pool league tournament, if he would like to meet up and he responded he had "taken some time off from work" and was an hour away visiting family..that "he was sad he couldn't be there with me.. He then proceeds to tell me his mother wasn't well. I asked what was wrong and he replied "cancer stuff" I extended my best wishes to her..and asked how long she had been battling cancer.. He replied "she's in the battlefield" He said she had a Dr. appt. in a couple of days on Thurs. and he said I was a great person for thinking of her. Thurs. evening I texted him asking how her appt. went.. about 30 minutes later, I saw I had a missed call, I called him back...No answer.. I texted.. saw you called, hope everything is ok with your mom. No response. I attempted a couple more times over 2 days, nothing mean, but I did express that I really liked him and that I was concerned... no response.. New Years Eve, came and went.. I never texted him again.. It has been almost 3 weeks and nothing from him either. I know, my mistakes were over texting, over sharing, being needy and clingy in his eyes now looking back....I just want to know, should I reach out to him in the next couple of weeks, or just wait to see if he ever contacts me again? Also, a mutual acquaintance said he has not been back to work and its been about a month.. He never mentioned to me he was leaving in the first place, and I wasn't going to pry into how long..I'm very confused.. hurt and was genuinely worried for him... Any advice?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 19, 12:44 PM,
"We had been out several times and everything seemed to be going well. Although, I usually was the one who had to initiate contact"

When you're dating a man and HE is not the one initiating contact with YOU, it's not a good sign. If you're the one initiating contact, you have no way of knowing if the man is genuinely interested, or simply being nice by responding to you.

Genuinely interested men PURSUE the woman that's caught their interest. If a man is not initiating contact with you, and only responding to you, you have to assume he's NOT a genuinely interested man :-( Because if he were, he'd be contacting you.

"I said great does 8pm sound good. He dropped off. Later that evening we were texting all seemed good and again I mentioned so.. 8pm tomorrow sound good? He dropped off again. . .I said.. this is where I will be if you want to meet. Well, he showed up..with a female. . .we just waived at each other from across the bar."

This is not the way a genuinely interested man behaves. Why would a man who's genuinely interested in a woman avoid setting a date/time to meet? And why would a man who's genuinely interested show up to that meeting - WITH ANOTHER WOMAN?

Not good :-(

"should I reach out to him in the next couple of weeks, or just wait to see if he ever contacts me again?"

You've already reached out to him numerous times, and it has not led to any success. Doing more of the same over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Don't drive yourself insane over this man ;-)

A genuinely interested man will contact you, and ask to see you. If you'd like to know if he's a genuinely interested man - you need to see if he contacts you, and asks to see you. If he does not, then you have your answer.

"Any advice?"

I would move on dear. This man has done nothing to move this forward. He voids direct questions, and he showed up with another woman when he did actually take steps to meet you - and then he never even spoke to you. Now - he's disappeared.

Nothing positive has happened here with this man. His lack of action is telling you something. It's telling you that he's not worth any more of your time. Don't waste any more of it waiting around on him.

Keep moving forward dear. If he wants you, he knows where - and how - to find you ;-)

Unknown said...

I met a guy online. Both in our 30s. Genuine guy. We had 3 dates. One was 6 hours long of talking. We both have so much in common, we connected.. He seemed more into me, we talked about our families and showed eachother family pics, we talked about last relationships. , how we parent talking in general about raising kids. ..he made jokes about us being together 2 months from now .but he's not a texter and very busy with work. Selling his house, family flew in for a week but even after the first date I noticed he sometimes didn't respond to a text after a convo and then start a new one next day. After second date he went 3 days no msg so I did and he apologized.. After 3rd date we had a kiss.. Wanted to see me again. But didn't talk to me for 5 days. I msged and he was so tired with family aRound the week and being busy. He felt drained. No time to himself. I tried to be sensitive to it and comforting.. After a few msgs, he didn't reply .. I model and sent him a link to something my pic was on as he wanted to see it but he didn't reply. So 3 days later I left a voice msg saying hey stranger! What's going on? He hasn't even listened and it's been 24 hours. During the week he was looking T my instagram page so I assume he's still interested. But suddenly he's not talking to me. .he was very much Into me but he did say on our first date he hates needy ..his ex used to always ask why he didn't msg. So is wait days before msging and hours before replying.
I really liked him and want to grow a relationship but he's not replying.
Do u think he's doing the no contact on purpose????.
What do I do? He didn't seem the type to just mess things up suddenly.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Unknown,
"didn't respond to a text. . .I messaged. . .After a few msgs, he didn't reply. . .sent him a link. . .I left a voice msg. . ."

Notice what's taking place above? It's "I contacted him, I contacted him, I contacted him, I contacted him" - i.e. I am chasing him.

Even though on the first day he told you, "he hates needy."

You don't "need" to talk to a man regularly. You don't "need" to contact him daily. You don't "need" to know he still cares - because the more you contact him, the more needy you appear.

Instead relax. Remain confident. Do not give in to anxiety, worry and insecurity. Stay active. And continue dating other men (no sex), until one of them asks you for a commitment. Stay independent ;-)

Anonymous said...

@Unknown,

This man is, most likely, going to wind up being a waste of your time. He sounds self-absorbed and possibly because of that -- he creates "needy" women by his behavior -- the very thing he claims to not like. Men like this create chaos, drama and feelings of helplessness in women.

One question to ask yourself: Why do you want to grow a relationship with a man who is not replying?

He is not doing no contact on you. He is being inconsistent. And his inconsistency is causing you to feel confused...and then you are acting on your confusion in an unattractive way (by contacting him excessively). This is going to make him not be interested in you even more -- even though yes, his behavior is sucky.

One way to handle guys/situations like this is to create a rule or boundary for YOURSELF. When a guy doesn't respond to a text or he disappears for days on end, it's fine to inquire ONCE. But if it continues, no more inquires are necessary...he's showing you were he places [or has place for you] in his life and repeated inquiries are just going to make you look desperate. Try to see the difference between being assertive/interested (in which case, you act once)and pursuing (when you act repeatedly to gain the interest of a man). It's the latter that creates more problems than necessary.

Anonymous said...

I need help!!! Okay so I've been friends with this guy since I was 12 years old (37 now) we dated for a brief moment at 19 years old, we both cheated on each other but we were able to remain really good friends above it all, he watched me go through many relationships and I watched him go through many relationships, when we got a little older he started trying to hook up again and I refused because I didn't believe he was ready, this continued on for a couple of years and then I finally gave in and we hooked up started a relationship and of course he cheated so I finally had enough and completely let go, he got involved with drugs and went to prison for years, during that time he wrote me letters all the time and continued to call and I completely dismissed him and never wrote him back, he would tell me that I was always gonna be his girl, but typical Scorpio once I get hurt enough I'm cold hearted, now during his time in prison while he was out of sight and mind his cousin started messaging me on FB and long story short we hooked up, I just figured we're not getting back together, he's not going to get his life together so why not? Fast forward two years later, he gets out and starts contacting me, he tells me he's done with drugs and this is first time I actually heard him being sincere, I could see the change and growth in his personality and he looked good and he told me he loved me and wanted to build a future and was ready to commit for real this time, so I was all in but I had to be honest about his cousin so I told him, now he said he needed time to think and I flipped on him a little at first then calmed down and wrote him a long note with an apology and I was sincere about it and I didn't make excuses, I accepted responsibility but I also explained where I was at mentally at the time because I felt like it was important for us to both understand how we got here and I let him know that I would leave me him alone to think so I stopped contacting him, feeling like I had done all I could do at that moment, he texted me the next day saying he missed my smile, voice and lips so I texted back that I missed him and then we texted a little the next day and I invited him over for some shrimp tacos later on during the week, he didn't give me a clear answer on it so I didn't push it, then yesterday he called, it was a little awkward and definitely distant and I invited him over to talk, he brushed over the invite so that was a no so I told him I would speak to him later and hung up and texted him that I loved him but I needed much more than this and he texted back saying he loved me but he was confused and that maybe he shouldnt have called but he wanted to hear my voice so I replied that he probably shouldn't have and that he should wait to contact me when he figures out what he wants to do and he replies that he thought our friendship was still good and I replied that it was but he would have to give me time to adjust to that if that's what he wants and he replies "I didn't say that's what I want, I want you, I've always wanted you since I was 12 years old" I'm not gonna lie that melted my bitchy little heart of ice so anyway I responded then be with me, I told you I'm all in and I meant it and he said the last four days messed him up and he's been crying and I told him I was sorry again and then the conversation got distant and we stopped texting each other, now what's my next move? Do I stop contact from here? Do I let him ease into things again? My fear is that this whole I'm not sure thing will keep going and I'm like no either we're gonna both commit to making this work or we're going to go back to being friends, I do not want him to get comfortable in this space but I also want to be fair to him and allow him time to deal with his feelings

abigail cartier said...

My boyfriend and I broke up recently due to too much arguing and him losing his feelings due to the arguing (this is a brief and oversimplified synopsis). With our disagreements, it was usually me to apologize and take the blame. I even did some groveling and crying because he would make me feel so sad and guilty for things (things that, in retrospect, were his fault too). We always made up though. So we continued dating and then I noticed him being distant. Thus, I talked to him & asked where we stood, and it was then that he told me his feelings for me were not the same since our last big fight. So we decided to be friends after some discussion. But I have realized quickly, that is not what I want. I want it all or nothing. So I’ve ignored him since. Will no contact method work in this type of situation to get him back?

abigail cartier said...

I want to update my post. I spoke to the ex and asked how he felt about being just friends. He said he thinks it is the correct decision. I then told him I agree because of such and such, to which he overreacted and acted like a jerk. SO now I want to just MOVE ON. Any advice for me is appreciated. I do need to get my things back from him though and give him his. I kind of don't want that hanging over my head so want to do it son, yet don't even want to contact him about it. I guess I can send a brief text. Thoughts on this?

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous March 7, 2017 11:33am. You are soooo right. Guys like that (the inconsistent ones) create needy women with their behavior. And you gave "Unknown" good advice when you told her to stop contacting the guy. I went out with a guy recently. I had a good time (and I think he did, too) but I haven't heard from him. And there is NO WAY I'm going to call him. if he wants to talk to me, he knows where I am. this guy has a history of inconsistent behavior. So I'm keeping it moving. He'll just have to catch up.

Anonymous said...

@Abigail this guy sounds like the kind that wants to have his cake and eat it, too. When you agreed to just be friends, I think you surprised him. He was probably expecting you to blow up his phone with text messages and plead with him to be more than friends. DON'T DO IT!!! You don't have time for games. Tell him, "Boy, Bye". You are interested in finding a GENTLEMAN who makes you a priority and makes you feel as such. If you can, I would just ship his things back to him and include a note in the package for him to do the same with yours.

Unknown said...

Hi there
I started dating a man 6 weeks ago. He told me on date 1 he has cancer. I was ok with that as I lost a child to cancer. He is wealthy and very popular and has lots of friends. We have been on some lovely dates and as we both live a distance apart we stayed in a hotel in the city after our date a few weeks ago. It was a beautiful place he had booked in advance. Since then I was away in Rome for a weekend with my daughter. Last weekend he wanted to see me again and again for convenience and rather than having him book another hotel I said he could come up to me. Again we went out to a lovely restaurant and he stayed that night. He had already told me he was going away the next day to visit his daughter and friends for 2 days. That was 5 days ago.
Since then no contact from him at all, no "thank you for the lovely night, hope you're ok" ..... just one text the next day saying "Happy Mothers Day"

Instinctively (I'm a Scorpio) I felt he was more detached this time. I think he is pulling back. Immediately I have implemented "no contact" as I've been in this situation before. I will definitely not contact him. I realise with running a business and dealing with cancer plus his huge amount of friends and activities, that he has a lot going on. But I am pulling back emotionally big time right now. If I lose him, so be it...... having said that I have very high standards and he is the nicest guy I've met in such a long time. Thoughts?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Unknown,
"Thoughts?"

If it's meant to be - it will be. Keep moving forward with your life. If he wants to find you, he will seek you out ;-)

Anonymous said...

I went out with this guy for at least two months. We had sex and had good chemistry, similar life plans and values but I like to keep myself emotionally distant with guys. I did get excited at first for the possibility of something more, but his ebbing interest made me doubt myself and try pushing a little bit. Nothing serious, no double texting or anything like that. I was having coffee, I asked him to join me if he wanted. After I realized I was putting too much effort into meeting him than he did me(noted, he doesn't have a car and worked pretty much almost all week so he wasn't exactly available) I figured it he found time for others, he would find time for me if he wanted to. He couldn't go to coffee shop that day because of work so I left it at that. He then disappeared, texted me some lame excuse about being busy and I just replied that I understood and left it at that. I haven't texted him since then and I'm not really interested in him or in having a casual relationship anymore. I've been dating and moving on from this, I don't like dwelling on things. It's been a bit over a month since we last saw each other. Boila, he has reappeared by texting me at 5 am to meet up, saying he's sorry he doesn't have any money for a real date. I felt disgusted and offended, so I ignored it completely. The next day he texted again saying he was sorry he had written that, that he was just really horny. I ignored him yet again and he texted me afterwards asking me if I was around, all this after 12 am. Again, silence. I am obviously very miffed at this immature exchange and general lack of respect. I want to know the best way to end things with this guy. I was willing to clarify to him that I was no longer interested but now I think indifference is the best way to go for being so disrespectful. Thoughts?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 5, 10:20 PM,
You don't need to explain yourself or your behavior to this man by spelling it out for him. He's certainly not explaining himself or his behavior to you.

You don't owe him any explanations, and he doesn't even care enough to ask for any. Best to keep moving forward ;-)

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous Apr 5, 10:20pm. Yes, listen to MOA. Don't explain anything to this guy, just delete all messages and his phone number and move on. I had to do that once. Yes, it's hard, but very necessary. and it will get easier.

Anonymous said...

Can I use the No Contact rule to stop talking to my boyfriend of 2 years so he can miss me and chase me?

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror. Love your site. Would love even more posts on here by you! My issue is, I recently met this guy, we're both in our early 30's. He has openly admitted to me that he is "one of the few Real men left in the world" and has no problem "putting a woman in her place" when she is disrespectful or "acts up" towards him. He says instead of telling her, he likes to Show Her, by withdrawing his attention. He told me I need to learn when i'm not behaving correctly or being rude. And he told me I'll know when he is mad, because he won't talk to me for 1-3days, sometimes more sometimes less depending on the situation. Recently we got into a small arguement, and he did just this.. ignored me for a day, then he texted, and when i tried to call during our text convo he told me "No, u haven't earned a phone convo I am still mad at you, text is enough right now". He openly admits to wanting to be in control while in relationship with a woman, he says real men lead and are supposed to be in control of the relationship, not the woman. He even says I'll be happier this way. Well, I went and googled this type of passive aggressive manipulative emotional abuse Silent treatment/Ignoring behavior that he is so fond of, and turns out it is taught in the pickup community. It's called "Soft Nexting" a woman (ie ignoring her completely/cutting her off, (instead of talking to her about it)whenever she does something disrespectful. It's to make her think about what she has done, to alter her behavior, and to make her fear she is losing the man, all while allowing the man to be in complete control. And supposedly it's supposed to increase the woman's attraction for the man, and somehow make the man more Alpha seeming.

I feel as if I am way too old for this game. And if a man wants to ignore me, he most definitely will be replaced and blocked from my life. I can only imagine that low self esteem/low standard woman put up with this type of abuse. Him ignoring a woman every time there's an argument or something unpleasant is not conducive of a healthy sane or progression of any stable Real relationship. I'm ready to run for the hills with this guy, he is screaming red flags. Any advice Mirror? Thanks for your time!

--And surprise, he is currently actively ignoring me now, Again. To me this seems like a game, allowing the man to have his cake and eat it too, all while having a woman feel guilty and waiting for him when he decides to return. I can't imagine this being used in a Real relationship, but only when a man doesn't want anything serious.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 30, 12:57 PM
"has no problem "putting a woman in her place" when she is disrespectful or "acts up" towards him"

And what exactly does he consider a woman's place to be?

"No, u haven't earned a phone convo I am still mad at you, text is enough right now".

So he withholds emotionally and uses it as a weapon.

"He openly admits to wanting to be in control while in relationship with a woman"

Not a good sign dear. There's a big difference between leading and controlling. And people who yearn for control are overcompensating for their "lack" in life somewhere else. When they feel out of control in their own existence, they begin to control things around them - people, situations, etc.

"he says real men lead and are supposed to be in control of the relationship, not the woman."

Real men do lead -- but they do not do that through control and egotistical power trips.

First of all, no one is in control of a relationship, because a relationship is a partnership. And in a partnership, both have equal say.

Real men do lead, however, they do so by taking their partners wishes into consideration, and then making a decision that's best for the relationship. And their partner has the power of choice to use to their advantage. They can either choose to follow that lead, or they can choose to voice another opinion in the matter, or they can choose to walk away.

But no matter how you slice it, neither is powerLESS in the relationship, and neither has complete control of it either.

A leader is not a dictator. A leader welcomes feedback. A leader gives the team, in this case their partner, a voice. And a leader does what's best for the team/relationship, not what's best for themselves. And a leader realizes understands that it's about "we" and not "me."

Cont. . .








The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Insecure individuals that are overcompensating for their perceived shortcomings about themselves are the ones who feel the need to control like a dictator. Confident, secure men feel no need to overcompensate, therefore their leadership is flexible, open to feedback, and takes everyone involved into consideration. They have nothing to prove, and they do not feel the need for total domination over others.

"He even says I'll be happier this way."

How the hell does he know what will make you happy when he's so busy trying to control you that he's not even open to your input LOL?

"It's called "Soft Nexting" a woman (i.e. ignoring her completely/cutting her off, (instead of talking to her about it) whenever she does something disrespectful."

Yea, that's the chump community for ya'. Instead of teaching insecure men who lack confidence real social skills to use in order to be successful with women, they turn towards manipulation instead so they can dupe a woman into an emotional trap.

Look, I realize we're having this conversation on an article titled, "No Contact" LOL. But this tactic is not meant for manipulation. It's meant for only for protection when someone is treating you abusively, or taking advantage of you. You're not supposed to do this just because someone pisses you off. If the situation isn't abusive, and the individual is not taking advantage of you in some harmful way - then you don't use it.

It's a last resort tactic to protect yourself from being used or being harmed. It's not meant to be used in every single situation in life that doesn't sit well with you.

"And supposedly it's supposed to increase the woman's attraction for the man, and somehow make the man more Alpha seeming."

It doesn't increase attraction in the woman, it triggers her insecurities. And the only women it really works on are insecure women with low self esteem. Women who know their value and are confident in themselves are not "triggered" by this behavior.

"I can only imagine that low self esteem/low standard woman put up with this type of abuse."

Bingo! Like attracts like. And in this situation, insecurity attracts insecurity. Men with low self esteem abuse this tactic and use it manipulatively, and women with low self esteem are triggered by it and easily manipulated. In the end, you end up with insecure men trapping insecure women in a negative pattern of co-dependency. He's dependent on her cowering to his will in order for him to feel like a man, and she's dependent on jumping through hoops for him in order to win his approval to make her feel valuable as a woman.

It's a very negative cycle.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Him ignoring a woman every time there's an argument or something unpleasant is not conducive of a healthy sane or progression of any stable Real relationship."

Exactly. Again, this is a "last resort" tactic that's meant to protect yourself from abuse, protect yourself from being used, and in many cases to help you get over someone emotionally. That's it. Any use of it beyond that is abuse of the tactic itself.

"I can't imagine this being used in a Real relationship, but only when a man doesn't want anything serious."

The pick up artist community is not focused on relationships. It's only focused on sex. It teaches manipulative tactics for short term gains (getting laid). It does not teach sustainable tactics for long term gains (committed relationships). The general idea is to have many women "waiting" to hear from you again. So that you develop a "pool" of women kept on a string who are desperate and eager to hear from you, that you can dip into -- when you need sex. And it's their desperation and eagerness that make them vulnerable to you. It only takes one phone call and boom, success. That's the overall goal of the PUA community - sex. Helping insecure men who lack confidence and real social skills to get laid.

"Any advice Mirror?"

Run for the hills as fast as you can, and don't look back ;-)

This man knows nothing about women, knows nothing about what it takes to truly make one happy, knows nothing about what it takes to maintain a committed relationship, knows nothing about a woman's needs, knows nothing about what a true leader really is, and knows nothing about himself.

He's not being real, and he's not being his true self. He's putting on a front and using manipulative tactics and abusing no contact for short term gains (triggering a woman's insecurity so that she becomes vulnerable to him, and therefore more attainable to him for sex). He lacks confidence in himself, and he's overcompensating for that by reaching for total domination (because he fears he does not have the skills to win a woman over just by being his true self).

There's nothing for you here but a head trip and some mediocre casual sex ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

So I'm back in the dating game/life. I haven't met anyone physically but I have put a profile up on a dating site. I've been corresponding with this one guy via text and a few phone calls that lasted for about 25-30 mins for a couple of days. He first texted me 3 days ago, the same day I gave him my number. He didn't wait no time to contact me. The text started like this:
Him: Hey beautiful. How are you. This is J. Your soon to be LOL.
Me: Hey J. I like hearing that! We will just have to see :) oh by the way, I've very well
Him: He sends me some pictures of him. Send me a couple of pics.
Me: Umm, I'm uncomfortable sending you some pics right now. Lets set up a day this week and meet up! What do you think?
Him: Don't be uncomfortable, I sent you a couple of pics so you know its me. Just at least 1 pic. I have heard some crazy online catfish stories. That's all LOL. But I would like to meet you. You seem like a really sweet person.

There has been many more text conversations between him and I. What do you think about these texts? I told him the other day that this is a long weekend for me and I gave him a few days/times of my availability. I thought it would be right since we live so far apart. What do you think?

We talked a little last night. I was hoping we would get to arrange a time to meet on Saturday, but we didn't get to it. During our conversation, I did mentioned that I have some things going on Saturday morning but later that eve would be good for me. But, we didn't establish a time. I said oh well. Now it is Thursday and I understand after reading this article so many times that at least a 3 day advance notice should be requested.

Later this afternoon, I get a text from him saying "I'm feenin for you". I responded about 45 minutes later saying Aww I'm flattered being that we haven't met yet. I haven't heard from. I'm hoping that he'll call but I am trying not to put any expectations. If he does call, hopeful that we would establish a time for Saturday. If not, then I won't press him. I had to reread this article over again and I may have to pull the no contact rule. What do you think?

Mirror, please provide your feedback and thoughts about this situation. I very much thank you in advance.

Carmen said...

Hi,
so this is my situation, I meet a guy through some common friends and we had sex, then a week later he chased me and we did it again. after that, one week later I texted him, he couldn't because he had his best friend birthday, I know is true, but still. One more week and me again, texted him, and he wanted to come over but it was late and I said no. Then he went to bali , I know it because of ours mutual friends, not him. and he disappeared for 30 days. Now he came back, but called me around 21 o'clock on a Friday night, wanting me to go to his place and I said I couldn't, cause I had a surgery on my knee and that I would call him on I felt better, although thats was really an excuse, cause I'm already better. So now I'm planing on disappearing for 30 days and only contact him after that, but I really think we won't contact me during this time. Should I contact him after that? or we he doesn't show up just let It go????

Anonymous said...

Help, I've had a recent dating disaster and it's left me pretty traumatized. I'm not even sure why I did such actions ultimately. I met a guy from online, we went out a few times and talked everyday over the course of a month. He told me he had been single for a year, but his facebook seemed to indicate that he had only been single for 2months. When I brought this up to him, he set his FB profile to private so i couldn't see it and he told me i had no idea what i was talking about and to stop making assumptions as if I knew his situation. Then sometime after our 2nd date, he told me that I deserve better, that he wasn't looking for a relationship just friendship, and he told me that he is selfish and that he is not willing to put in the effort im looking for. Unfortunately, I ignored all of this and continued to talk with him daily. Then after our 3rd date, we got intimate. Long story short, I reached out to his "ex" because he started ignoring me. She told me they had gotten back together, and that she had moved back into his place. She also told me that during this off period of theirs, that they have been intimate together the entire time. I also told her everything with us and she wasn't mad that he was on a dating app, that he and I talked all the time for over a month, that we dated, and that we slept together. She said it was all fine, and that they're back together and they're better than ever. And he and I just slept together last week.....and I made her aware of this.

Anyway, Im very shocked about this entire scenario, but I suppose I should have trusted myself when I saw his facebook. He clearly lied to me and played me. Now I feel pretty terrible about this. Why did I do this to myself? Would you ever speak to him after something like this, what if he contacts me again in the future?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Carmen,
It sounds like this started off as a brief fling or hookup. And it's likely that's all it'll ever be. Hookups are not long lived. Sure, you can disappear and contact him again but what's the point?

It was always just a hookup by the sounds of it, and it's likely that if/when contact is ever made again, another hookup will take place, followed by another disappearance. It's really not worth it.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jul 7, 9:09 PM,
"he set his FB profile to private so i couldn't see it"

Not good. People only hide things when they have something to hide.

"after our 2nd date, he told me that I deserve better, that he wasn't looking for a relationship just friendship, and he told me that he is selfish and that he is not willing to put in the effort im looking for"

When a man TELLS you who he is - BELIEVE HIM.

"I reached out to his "ex" because he started ignoring me"

NEVER a good move dear. Especially after only one intimate encounter with the man.

"I'm very shocked about this entire scenario"

But why are you shocked? He hid his profile, which was a red flag warning. And then he told you he was selfish, not looking for a relationship, and that you deserved better and he wasn't willing to put in the work.

He pretty much told you, and showed you through his actions, that he would not treat you right. Again, when a man tells you who he is - BELIEVE HIM. (And then it won't come as a surprise.)

"Would you ever speak to him after something like this"

Absolutely not. There's no reason to have someone in your life that you cannot trust, that does not treat you well, and that there's no future with.

"What if he contacts me again in the future?"

Don't answer, and don't respond.

Anonymous said...

@ mirror. I met this guy who was really nice, sweet and a gentleman. Things was going great he. He would respond to txt, we would go out on dates etc... We had sex a few times. Then one day as we was laying in bed he said I love you baby. my response was I love you too. A few weeks later he told me that he thinks about me all the time and wants to marry me. A few weeks after that he went GHOST and stop responding to txt.
I'm not sure what to think.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jul 31, 4:37 PM,
"I'm not sure what to think."

I'm sorry that this happened to you dear. But men who are genuinely in love with a woman -- DO NOT disappear on her and ignore her communications.

This man is not genuine. He's not genuinely interested. And chances are he was simply seeking sex for an extended period of time and once he received it -- he bailed before "more" would be requested (i.e. emotional involvement).

Anonymous said...

Hi,

I’ve been dated a guy for more than a year (long distance; 15 hours difference). He cared about me a lot and even helped me solved plenty of obstacles during the past few months. However, he has commitment issue because his past relationship was completely a mess. We never made it official but we contacted everyday (voice call, messages, etc) and saw each other every a few months. He admitted our “relationship” meant a lot to him but it’s hard for him to move forward as he was used to feel that girls tended to be too demanding and will push him into marriages no matter what (ex-girlfriend trauma). He’s not ready to settle down. I didn’t believe him so I pulled off at the beginning when I realized his situation. He made efforts to earn me back and did lots of works to make it work. He was nice to me and is willing to help me through a lot of troubles but when it comes to “relationship” talk, he’s not the nice person anymore.
We had an argument last month since i found out there’s more limitations than I expected (holiday celebrations/going vacations together are becoming too symbolic for him now, even though we did do some together when we first started). I cried a lot and he apologized at first but still can not make any changes. He knew I was hurt. When I tried to end our “relationship”, he said he still likes me (even though he really felt that my crying was too scared for him) but he doesn’t know what to do and he doesn’t want to say goodbye to me. After then I tried to continue the “talk” but he didn’t respond to my messages since he didn’t want to continue “the talk”. We stopped talking/messages since the beginning of the month; it was the first time that we didn’t contact each other on a day to day basis. A week later after he left the places I live (we agreed not to see each other during that week) and he texted me like nothing happened. I didn’t reply to him because I wasn’t ready to talk to him yet, and four days later he sent me another message but nothing important as well. I didn’t respond to him ever since as I really need some time to process, to heal and to think about what to do.

My question is:
1) does the NC rule apply in my case?

2) if yes, when did the “NC” period start in my case? should it be the time we stopped talking to each other or the time he sent me the messages but i didn’t reply? I’m on 20 days of NC for the former scenario and on 13 days of NC for the latter scenario

3) I haven’t “read” or respond to any of his messages he sent. Would there make a difference between the messages showing “have read” or “have not even read” between NC period? If yes, which one should I act on?

4) I unfollowed his social media because it reminded me to think about him. Lately when I checked his account, it seems he started dating other girls based on the newly added followers (guess most of them are from online dating app). It seems like he’s moving on already (I was kind of sad at first since I am not even sure when did he start contacting with those girls…). Any recommendations, should I just give up on him or still stick to the NC?

5) I’m still not sure if I want to continue this “relationship”, if by the 30 days of NC should i still contact him even if I am not ready? I feel like I can be his friend but not sure if i can continue like nothing happened by then.

Thank you

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 24, 8:55 AM,
"Does the NC rule apply in my case?"

No contact can always work for you to help you detach emotionally to gather your thoughts, clear your head, and make better informed decisions about how to proceed, or whether or not to proceed at all.

"if yes, when did the “NC” period start in my case?"

From the time he sent you the messages and you didn’t reply.

"Would there make a difference between the messages showing “have read” or “have not even read” between NC period?"

I would not open or read any of his messages. The goal here is to detach. And in order to do that, you need to completely remove yourself from any and all communication (and that includes reading it).

If you read it, you may feel compelled to respond, it may weigh on your mind, and it will interfere with your 30 days of peace and solitude to gather yourself.

"Any recommendations, should I just give up on him or still stick to the NC?"

He's made it very clear that he does not want to enter into a committed relationship. That will not change, no matter how long NC takes place, no matter how much you love him, no matter how much you support him, no matter what you do, no matter what you don't do -- and no matter how much sex you provide him.

NONE of the above will change his mind about that.

When a man tells you he does not want a relationship, BELIEVE HIM. And if you DO want a relationship, it's best to leave him (so that you can free yourself to find a man that wants the same thing in life that you want for yourself).

If you do not walk away, he could continue leading you on for months or even years. . .and there would STILL be no commitment in place.

"If by the 30 days of NC should i still contact him even if I am not ready?"

No. YOUR HAPPINESS is what's important here, not his. If you're not ready, do not force yourself to do something you don't want to do.

"I feel like I can be his friend"

A lot of people feel this is possible, only to find out that IT'S NOT. Both individuals need to be VERY MATURE in order for this to work. When one starts dating someone else, they usually abandon the individual they're "friends" with in time. And one of the two generally "secretly" wishes for "more" from the relationship, leaving them feeling hurt.

It's simply not a good idea, unless both parties have no further romantic feelings for one another, and can maturely handle the situation.

Yabut Eileen said...

Hi there im doing a no contact for 15 days now. Yesterday, I accidentally dialed his number my phone was inside my pocket.. is that considered breaking no contact?��

Anonymous said...

@Yabut Eileen: That happened to me recently. He then texted me asking if he could call me later. I told him No, his number was dialed by MISTAKE. Did you speak with him at all? My guess would be if you didn't speak to him, you didn't break the No Contact.

Anonymous said...

I went on three incredibly fun dates in one week with a guy I met on Bumble. He seemed just as excited and even more open about the fact, but after the third date, he kindly broke things off after telling me I was cute, really fun to hang out with, and would make someone really happy. I handled it with grace despite how shocked and truly devastated I was and even proposed the idea of friendship after some time, to which he replied, "Absolutely!" Aside from the healing of my own ego, is there any benefit to no contact if we were never an actual "couple" so to speak? And if so, how long should I remain NC seeing as we went on a few dates over the course of only one week?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mon, Nov 13, 11:58 AM,
"he kindly broke things off. . . I handled it with grace despite how shocked and truly devastated I was and even proposed the idea of friendship"

Why do you wish to remain friends? Is it because secretly, you're hoping he'll "come around" to the idea of you as a couple one day?

If that's the case, this will be a painful friendship that could even see you being used by him :-(

If you're vulnerable and secretly wishing to win him over, and it's not true friendship you seek, chances are he might be able to talk you into becoming sexually involved with him. To which he'd then use you, and move on.

Why?

Because he's already informed you that he does not wish for a relationship. And no amount of sex or intimate involvement is likely going to change that. When a man tells you that - BELIEVE HIM.

"is there any benefit to no contact if we were never an actual "couple" so to speak?"

Absolutely - for you (not him).

NC will help you to emotionally detach, center yourself, and free you to meet other men that value you, and want the same things you want. Thirty days later, you probably wouldn't even want this man back in your life. That happens often once a woman is able to pull away, center herself, and see the man for who he truly is (and not what she idealizes him to be).

"And if so, how long should I remain NC seeing as we went on a few dates over the course of only one week?"

30 days.

Anonymous said...

...and see the man for who he truly is (and not what she idealizes him to be).

Mirror, this simple sentence contains so much truth. Not only for the benefit of the woman but the man too. I have noticed that since I have got rid of my idealising of men approach to dating (actually, only relatively recently but better late than never), men look at me with so much more respect. Men are not stupid and in a way, by their often inappropriate behaviour they convey a message to us women to be more mature, have self-respect, look after ourselves, etc. Recently I met a new man and he told me that his impression was that I was a well-balanced, grounded, down-to-earth woman - what a compliment (considering that not so long ago I was a far cry from that LOL). He could sense it straightaway. He said he was tired of women expecting him to make them happy. He said they wanted an illusion, something that didn´t exist and he felt helpless and unable to provide it to them. I enjoyed the date while I was there and now, believe me or not, I don´t even think about whether I liked the man or not or whether he would contact me again or not... I don´t care that much... I simply enjoyed the date as much as I could and now I am at home and enjoying myself here:-). This approach is certainly less exciting and perhaps a little boring than idealising, analysing, anticipating, etc. but after so much emotional suffering it feels so peaceful and relaxing... And liberating... Not that excitement is entirely bad, but in most cases it´s not realistic and we women often over-emphasise it. By explaing these truths so patiently, Mirror, you are doing such a great job. Whenever I think of you I feel grateful.
Have a nice day:-),
Hopeful

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Hopeful,
"This approach is certainly less exciting and perhaps a little more boring than idealizing, analyzing, anticipating, etc. but after so much emotional suffering it feels so peaceful and relaxing... And liberating."

If you ask me, peace of mind and contentment with oneself is priceless.

I feel it represents that elusive thing that many tend to seek outside of themselves. . .happiness.

When we spend our time idealizing others, we're setting ourselves up for great disappointment. It's akin to spending your time building a giant platform hundreds of feet into the air with a ladder you're going to spend hours climbing -- only to jump off of and hit the ground (reality) with a hard thud.

No one can live up to lofty expectations, man or woman, because we're all only human. So why waste our time placing men aloft when we know we're setting ourselves up for a hard fall by doing so?

It's not necessary. Happiness lives within ourselves. We simply have to calm the mind (find peace) long enough to find it ;-)

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror hope to get ur wise advice here:
I have been dating this man for almost 2 years but realize hes quite a self-centered person. He has a tenancy to talk his abt his problems and stuffs but when im talking abt mine, he tends to give a flippant reply and then he will direct the conversation back to himself again.
Just last week, I lost my keys and was lock out from home at ard 11pm (night), so I called him to ask if there is any reliable locksmith he could recommend. He was driving uber and told me to google myself and told me it is going to be expensive. So I googled, called a locksmith and waited for around 45 mins. The bf called me again and told him he could come over and find me of which i was already pissed off at that time and told him no need as the locksmith was already on his way. He than mia the whole night and not even a msg from him asking if the locksmith came and if i was back home safely - he simply mia the whole night.
What r ur thoughts on this wise mirror?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 3, 2017 10:30 PM,
"What r ur thoughts on this wise mirror?"

A man's ACTIONS always tell the true tale dear. Are this man's actions telling you that you're a priority in his life, and that he cares about your welfare and wellbeing?

Or are they telling you that you're not a priority to him, and that he doesn't care about your welfare and well being?

If his actions make you feel loved and cared for, then you can proceed.

If a man's actions do not make you feel loved and cared for, then you need to think about whether or not this man is the RIGHT man for you - and whether or not he can, and is willing, to make you happy and fulfill your needs.

If the answer is no - then you know what you need to do.

Anonymous said...

Tks mirror for ur wise advice. I have dumped that guy and he mia-ed.
Funny how a man can pretend to be nice and considerate during normal times but when shit hits the ceiling they juz cant rise up to the occasion. sheesh
From Anonymous Dec 3, 2017 10:30 PM

Anonymous said...

BULLSHIT! Men definitely analyse and beat themselves up!! Many men get depressed from rejection! Men have emotions and are often lees skilled at controlling them!

Anonymous said...

What if they WhatsApp you but you've deleted their number from your phone? Should you look at the msg but not reply? Which they will see if you've seen it Or not. Or not bother? Thankyou!

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror and everybody,

Happy New Year to all,
No worries at all,
Just smiles and happiness,
No sadness or helplessness,
Good health and luck,
Never more stuck
In bad relationships
with men who are worthless.

Hopeful

Anonymous said...

Will No Contact work if the guy I was dating broke things off without an explanation? A little backstory: we were friends for a long time before he asked me to date him, and he’s had feelings for me since we met. He asked me out once prior to us dating (like, nine months before) and I said no, until I started liking him too. He’s generally a sweet, reasonable guy, and isn’t the type to do things out of the blue. Also, things were completely normal until the night before he broke it off. I never expected him to pull something like this and I’m really thrown off.

Meririn said...

I'm using no contact atm
Was together with a workaholic. at the beginning we met twice a week! then we became a couple... he said to me he only can meet me once or twice a month because he wants to concentrate on his work. he works from monday till sunday without break.
even on my birthday we couldn't meet. he also told me because of that all his former girlfriends cheated on him.
good i didn'T cheat but i broke up with him, he doesn't see the problem.
and his big compromise was to meet twice a month wtf

gonna write to him after a month of no contact. i will see if he noticed he has to change something

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

I am trying to use no contact and yet I still have him on social. Whenever I post, will that be seen as a pursuit in any way? I want to still be able to use social media and I regret giving him access because now that adds in another thing I have to worry about when using no contact. I know he shouldn't be able to catch a glimpse into my life since he disrespected me enough for me to ignore him and yet if I remove him that will be a point for him. What should I do? Continue to use social media as if he wasn't there?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 5, 12:30 PM,
"What should I do? Continue to use social media as if he wasn't there?"

The choice is yours. However, you can always adjust the settings for each item shared, prior to sharing it, and do a custom setting "share with everyone except" -- placing his name there.

That way, he won't be blocked, but he won't be seeing anything new either.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

I have been online dating. I have been talking to a guy that I met online and I am starting to like him but I know things may change once we meet. I have this concern and was wondering if you could help me. I was out with another guy yesterday and he called then followed with a text. I responded to the text saying: Sorry I missed your call, I'll call you as soon as I get home.." well I didn't get home until super late. So I decided to wait until this morning to call him. When I did, he didn't answer so I followed with a text and I still did not get a response. Now all of a sudden my insecurities have overcome me, why? This is crazy. I am trying this new thing to protect my heart from getting hurt by dating multiple guys. But I don't like this feeling that he hasn't responded and was wondering if he would or am I looking too much into it. What should I do? I feel so embarrassed because I am too old to be feeling this way. Although I just started in the dating market about a month ago .... Please help.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous, Mar 2, 8:29 AM,
"I don't like this feeling that he hasn't responded and was wondering if he would or am I looking too much into it. What should I do?"

You should do - nothing.

All you need to do is continue moving forward with your life. If he wants you, he knows where to find you and he will seek you out. If he doesn't do that, that's okay. Not everyone is going to like us. We can't be all things to all people all the time. It's okay if someone isn't interested. In fact, it's very normal as a human being to experience this throughout life - at work, in relationships, in family, in social circles, etc.

This man is literally a virtual stranger at this point. If he's not interested, who cares? Why worry about what a total stranger thinks about you? Why worry about whether or not a total stranger likes you?

HE should be worried about what YOU THINK ABOUT HIM.

He should be worried about whether or not he did a good job impressing YOU, and whether or not YOU are going to pick up the phone when he decides to respond back.

Don't waste precious focus and energy worrying about something that's beyond your control. Accept things as they are and stay focused on moving forward.

Don't get hung up on what one man out of billions on this earth may or may not think about you -- because there are LOTS MORE OF THEM where he came from LOL ;-)

Natalia Kwon said...

Thank you for the article. Very helpful
I’ve been in a great relationship with Taurus man for 6 months and looked like we both wanted the same things and were moving In same direction. We spent time together, went on vacation, made plans for the near future, I met his kids (6 and 7 yo) and some of his friends and family. Next day, after celebrating 6 months together, he gets distant and pulls back. No tension, no arguments, no disagreements or conflicts previously.
Said he is overwhelmed and needs time by himself. I respectfully left him be for a week.
Then, I saw he took our picture down from FB.
I called him next day and he said that he wasn’t sure anymore what he wanted and that his head “was in the
fog”, “maybe I am not ready for a relationship and just need to date casually”, “I’m very confused and try8ng to figure it out”
I said that it was very clear what I wanted from the beginning, a long term relationship with some one and
hopefully a life partner who I could share my life with.
He said that he thought he wanted that too, but not sure anymore. It came to him suddenly and brought questions and doubts (not about me, about himself)
I said casual or “half way” relationship wasn’t for me. I can move slow to be sure we do things right as long as we are moving in the same direction. He said he didn’t know anymore.
I wished him the best and hang up the phone.
Please help me understand this sudden unprovocked 180 degree change, and is there a chance, he could come around after some time has passed?
I’m trying to put it behind me and move on because that’s the only thing I can possibly do for myself.
Will still need to call him at some point and pick up my belongings at his place (I wish I didn’t).
Any advice or clarity would be greatly appreciated.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Natalia,
"help me understand this sudden unprovoked 180 degree change"

If this man is telling you that he's "not ready for a relationship, not sure anymore, and [has] doubts about himself" -- then it'be best to believe him, and be grateful for his honesty as it shows that he respects you.

He could've said nothing, kept you in the dark, and simply started stringing you along. But he did not do that. Instead, he was very honest and upfront with you.

I know that's no consolation here, but going through another 6 months without knowing what's going on, only to find out in the end he's been cheating, or lying, or sneaking around or something that entire time would be much worse, trust me.

This man is doubting his ability to commit. He's doubting his ability to be happy in that situation. He's doubting his ability to follow through. And when someone, man or woman, begins to feel that way, they truly are not ready yet.

You did the right thing by cutting him loose. Had you stuck by him during this period of doubt, there's a really good chance he could've viewed that as "acceptance" of his non-commitment to you and started taking you for granted and treating you poorly.

At least this way, with you having broken it off with him, he's now going to be forced to suffer the consequences of his decision. He's going to now know what's it's like without you. And he's going to be able to determine if he truly cares for you.

As the old saying goes, "You don't know what you've got until it's gone."

My suggestion to you would be to not blame yourself. His feelings are his own and have nothing to do with you. Leave him be to work through them by himself. Don't get caught up in his self-doubt. Keep moving forward, and if you can in a while, begin casually dating others.

Don't look back. If this man truly cares for you, he'll return. He knows where and how to find you and if that's what he wants, he'll seek you out. And if he doesn't do that, then you know it wasn't meant to be, and again you can be grateful for the respect he's shown you by being honest with you about that.

I know this is confusing and painful. But have faith that life creates events that deliberately catapult us in different directions on our journey in life. Sometimes our journey shares a path with others. Sometimes it does not. Either way, trust that this happened for a reason (even if that reason isn't apparent just yet) and the reason will reveal itself soon.

Think of it like this - what if this is NOT the man you're meant to be with? What if the man you're meant to be with is someone else? And what if the man you're meant to be with is say - at the local park this weekend walking his dog? And what if you're meant to be at the park this weekend so you can meet him? And what if this breakup had to occur so that you would actually be compelled to go and take a walk in the park this weekend to do some thinking. . .and bump into the man you're supposed to be with there.

NONE of the above could've happened had the break up NOT taken place. Because had the breakup not taken place, you never would've felt compelled to go walk in the park. . .and you never would've met the man you're supposed to be with.

That's how life works dear.

Ups and downs, peaks and valleys, hardships and successes -- all create our individual journey through life. And many times, things that seem like "cataclysmic" events actually turn out to be blessings in disguise ;-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you The Mirror, I am very greatful for your input and encouragement.
I think I have all the answers on why and how it happened.
Fear is a very powerful emotion, it is able to take over suddenly and has many forms.
In this case, fear outweighed all positive sides of moving relationship with me further. Price was just too high for him, so he went back to “safe” way living his life.
If someone can’t see and appreciate how valuable and rare good/caring relationships are, I can’t help them...
I’ll pick myself up and move forward. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me, it’s that simple.
Thank you again.

Anonymous said...

I've just read your article, thank you.

I have a question, recently I met this guy and went on a date 3 times. On the 3rd time after the date we kissed and i slept over at his house but no sex.

Lately he's been taking a while to reply to my texts and always reply at night.

Should i continue getting to know this guy or cut him off?

Sara1998 said...

Hi
I‘ve been dating a guy for about 9 months and as of late I showed some neediness and he started to pull away.about a month ago I asked him out but he didn’t bother to come and See me so when he texted me again I acted cold towards him
It‘s been a month since he disappeared on me
He uploaded stories about love on Instagram but then suddenly he unfollowed me(I also blocked him)
I‘m not sure what to do right now,whether he texts me again or not,I still love him and I don‘t want to end it.besides we didn‘t fight or anything
Should I break the no contact?
(We‘re students at the same university and i‘ll See him there in September)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

I hope you and everyone on here are doing well. I’ve got a bit of a situation so if you or anyone else can give some unbiased insight I’d appreciate it. I had this one guy try and see me last minute and I didn’t really feel like handing my day over to him. I told him to contact me the following week which he did but it was at a late hour when I just decided to heck with it. Maybe my energy was what brought him back but needless to sate I don’t know whether to respond or not because I did say for him to try and contact me this week as last week didn’t work out.

Thank you, and I hope to hear back :)

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous August 29, 7:18PM,

If this man is already not impressing you, and making you feel as if he's unable or unwilling to make you a priority, then you need to consider if this is even worth exploring.

Last minute requests, without consideration or respect for your time, are rude. And being unable to contact you at a decent hour (i.e. contacting you at "booty call" hours) is also rude.

Sounds as if this man is used to being part of the hook up culture -- and really doesn't have any traditional dating skills :-(

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

Thank you for your response. I've been meeting a lot of guys who are using hook up culture tactics on me and while sometimes they take me out and treat me to dinner and remain respectful, they just revert back. I usually end up ignoring them because of it. I really did not want to ignore this one but so far, as you pointed out, he's not impressing me. Again, thank you for your response!

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

Here’s my situation. My LDR boyfriend and I started dating about 3 months ago and it was an inst attraction and connection to one another. He texted me constantly and called when he could, since he stays very busy with family and works long days. He’s 53 and I’m 33 (yes I know age difference is significant but it works for us). Around 6 weeks into the relatuonship he scaled back on texting me good morning and good night every day, but he’s still text me. Basically, I feel like he’s slowly gotten bored from talking to me daily even though he truly was interested in me and my life, always asking me about my children and how things were going. He said he loved me first and I held back for a while since I was afraid to hand over my emotions despite how heavily he pursued me. Eventually I ended up telling him I loved him and things were great. We were supposed to meet up in August but things didn’t work due to work schedules and such so it got pushed to September. Then he begins texts less and less (varied morning/evening texts and throughout the day or evening), but still made a point to call me once or twice a week, which we’d talk for hours on end. Now I feel like I’m overinvesting in the relationship because sometimes he never replies to my texts - even the flirty sexy ones - and I did call him a couple times to which he said he could talk due to being at work (which I understand) but he never even called after work. This really made me crazy and needy and clingy and I know I pursued him too much. He said he didn’t mind my neediness and that he’s just been very tired from work and family issues, and he’s just trying to focus on work since he feels he’s been lagging in the area of his life. I totally understand that as our relationship was pretty full steam ahead from the get go. I do believe he loves me, but part of me feels like he’s just trying to figure things out and needs room from me. I asked him if that’s what he needed and he said no that he wants me with him (we’re in a situation that prevents us from being together). I feel like he’s torn about me and he’s trying to pull back because he’s emotionally involved. He thought I was upset with him and sent me a text that night explaining that he’s just really trying to get things in order and that I just need to “give him a minute” but that he loves me very much. Last time we communicated was 4 days ago, which was just a good morning text, which I mirrored. Later that evening I texted him a clingy text to which he asked what was wrong and then I replied. He read the text but never replied and I haven’t reached out since. He knows some household issues have occurred for me and I think he may be thinking I need space from him but I haven’t given him any indication of needing space. I refuse to reach out to him this time. I love him but if I truly mean that much to him he will come to me when he’s ready. And at that point, I may already be moved on from him as I’ve started to open the dating game to other men now to help me move past him. I’d love for it to work out but if it doesn’t then I understand. I’m just confused. Is he truly needing room to handle his life stuff, is he just not interested anymore, is he trying to move more to platonic friends? What do I do to pull him back to where we were initially? I’m just confused. I’ve asked my guy friends and they feel like I need to stop talking to him. I’ll add, my boyfriend did get jealous on a few occasions of me going to to get drinks with work friends, some of which were men. He flat out said he was jealous. After this occurrence the vibe from him changed (texting/calling less, infrequent communication, little to no more sexy flirty conversations). He’s never been one to beat around the bush. He’s very outspoken and so far honest with me. Please help!!
Thanks so much!
-Confused Southern Belle

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Confused Southern Belle,
"Around 6 weeks into the relationship he scaled back on texting me good morning and good night every day, but he still text me. . .I feel like he’s slowly gotten bored from talking to me daily."

I understand the way you feel. However, it's not realistic to think that two people will keep up the accelerated pace of a new relationship - forever. It's to be expected that the couple will eventually fall into slower, consistent rhythm with one another.

"Is he truly needing room to handle his life stuff, is he just not interested anymore, is he trying to move more to platonic friends?"

The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested in her, is to see if HE pursues HER.

"What do I do to pull him back to where we were initially?"

You cannot control others. You can only control your reaction to them.

"I’ve asked my guy friends and they feel like I need to stop talking to him."

I'm sorry to say, but I have to agree with them here. Dating should be fun and enjoyable. It should not be unenjoyable and full of worry or heightened anxiety. When you're dating a man that makes you feel bad about yourself, you should remove yourself from that toxic situation before real damage to your self-esteem and confidence occurs.

"I’ll add, my boyfriend did get jealous on a few occasions of me going to to get drinks with work friends."

That's the sign of an insecure man. And dating insecure men is NOT an enjoyable experience for women. For more on that, read this "Why You Should Not Date Insecure Men" - http://www.mirrorofaphrodite.com/2015/02/insecure-men-dating.html

Bottom line is this -- if dating this man is not enjoyable, and he brings you negative experiences and thoughts about yourself, along with worry and anxiety over where you stand with him. . .you need to love yourself enough to protect yourself from that by removing yourself from the situation.

Anonymous said...

I have met her online and fell in love (now i can say it is possible!)... we never met but texted for 3 months. I was intense with my feelings and it blocked her -she got distant. In meantime she texted me using fake profiles and didn't like the way I spoke to her. (Not sure what put her off). When I contact her she told me i should never contact her again and I am not who she is looking for.. I couldn't let her go... texted and begged for her to talk to me... I admitted I was desperate to meet her etc.. do I have any chance to get her back?? Would no contact rule apply if we never met?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Male, Sep 27, 8:57 AM,
"do I have any chance to get her back?? Would no contact rule apply if we never met?"

We cannot control others. We can only control our reaction to them.

There are no guarantees as to whether or not this will work to win her back unfortunately. It all depends on her level of interest.

However, when someone asks that you please not contact them again, it's best to abide by their wishes.

Anonymous said...

I know this likely isn't the best place to post but I wasn't sure where to put it. I'm sorry if this seems rambling, but I feel so stupid right now and can't understand how I misread his signs so badly. About a year ago I decided I needed a change in my life and decided to start a new job and move back home to be closer to my family. I started a job at a big company (3000 people) in the small town I grew up in. Everybody knows everything kind of a place which makes how I didn't know this even more unbelievable. When I started working there, I met a guy in my department. I noticed he was cute but never really thought much about him but we did have a few opportunities to interact over the first 6 months of working there. Recently, we have struck up a friendship over the past 3 months (his initiation). He constantly messages me and stops by my desk to visit me. Our conversations were flirty, we have inside jokes between just the two of us and he would always be asking questions to get to know me better as a person. He was always looking at me in our department meetings and making sure to sit beside me and always trying to spot me in the crowd in the cafeteria just so he could wave or participate in one of our inside jokes. I thought that we were both interested in each other and that we were both feeling each other out to see if the other was interested before he asked me out since we work in such close proximity to each other and those situations can be tricky. Oh how wrong I was! I found out today that he is with someone. I assume girlfriend but could be wife for all I know (he's 33, I'm 34). And it turns out she works at the same company as us, just in a different building! In the entire time that I have known him, he has only ever mentioned an ex-girlfriend fom the company so I was completely floored when I stumbled upon a random picture of a friend of a friend on facebook who's profile picture is the two of them. She is clearly his partner. I am just so confused and disappointed. Usually if he were someone who was just trying to cheat on his girlfriend I could see it coming from a mile away, but he was never anything more than flirty and genuinely interested in me as a person. He never tried to make things really sexual or act inappropriate in any way. Even my best friend who works there too couldn't believe when I told her that he was taken because she had seen the way he looked at me and acted with me and was also convinced that he was smitten. I am a smart woman who can usually tell the difference between someone who is genuinely interested and someone who only wants sex or is just trying to be friendly. How did I get this so wrong!? Now I feel sick everytime I have to interact with him, which is often because we have a major project to work on together (at his request for my assistance to my boss). I feel so stupid and so confused. I don't want to say anything about how I know that he is attached because if he was only being friendly it will make it obvious that I have feelings for him and misread the situation, but I'm not sure that I can hide my heartbreak on my face. The last thing I want to do is put my head in the sand and keep acting like nothing is wrong and holding on to hope that oh maybe they are unhappy and he will realize his feelings for me and want to be with me. I value myself more than that, but denial and hope can be a funny thing. Should I just pretend like nothing happened and pull away from being his friend? What do I do if he asks me why I'm acting weird? I feel really stupid :(

Mist said...

Hi Mirror,

I just recently had a small little fight and my bf reacted in a way where he literally packed all his things from my house and left. Then the next day he texted me saying that he needs some time and space cause he's not happy & trying to figure out his life and doesn't know what to do with his life. He also said that he is not playing any games or ignoring me but just needs his space to figure out his life. He said he loves me but it hurts and that I probably don't feel the love from him as much. I know hes been having issues at work and wants to leave. I replied back with that I understand and wish he finds the answer he needs and that I'm here if he ever needs. I haven't spoken to him for a few days now...what should I do or keep doing mirror and why would he just pull away for?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 20, 10:30 PM,
"what should I do or keep doing"

Read the section in the post titled, "How To Use The No Contact Rule When Dating."

"why would he just pull away"

He's already told you why. He told you, "he needs some time and space cause he's not happy."

And that's not something that happened because of a single argument. That's something that slowly, silently builds over time. The argument was simply the catalyst that compelled him to finally admit it and take action.

And it's best to leave him be, do NOT contact him, and do NOT make yourself available to him -- until he's made several unsuccessful attempts to contact you.

Why?

Because then, and only then, will he TRULY know how he feels about you, and be ready to communicate about it.

Don't waste your time otherwise. This man needs to find himself. He needs to identify what will make him happy in life. And then he needs to do the WORK of obtaining it.

So if he decides that you are what makes him happy in life, then he needs to do the WORK to obtain you. (i.e. He needs to make several unsuccessful attempts at reaching you, and then upping his game to see that actually happen.)

Then and only then will you know that this man is genuinely interested in you.

If you chase him, or jump to answer his calls and texts, he's going to take you for granted. He'll take it for granted that you'll be there no matter how bad he treats you. No matter how many times he walks out on you - you'll be right there when he texts or calls.

If you permit that to happen, you won't be doing yourself or your relationship any good.

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