"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

Dating: When, Why, How, To Use No Contact

There are many dating rules out there, but it’s the tried and true ones, the old fashioned traditional ways of doing things, that really do work, which is why certain rules have held true and lasted over the years.

One of those rules happens to be the No Contact Rule. In this handy little guide, I’m going to explain to you the how, when and why’s of this rule: how to use no contact, when to use no contact and why to use no contact when dating. Because this handy little dating rule serves more than just one purpose and has more than just one use.

I’m going to be speaking to the ladies here, but men, this applies to you as well. But I don’t have to tell you that. You guys are well versed in this dating rule and put it to use regularly. But for those men who may not be familiar with it, read on.

When And Why To Use The No Contact Rule When Dating


When A Man Suddenly Disappears On You

No Contact is a handy little trick to attempt to lure someone back to you – by disappearing on THEM. As most women already know, powerful attraction builds for a man that suddenly, and without warning, disappears. Why? Because you begin to think about them constantly.

Where did he go? Is there someone else? Why did he disappear? It doesn’t matter if all the thinking taking place is actually negative in nature, it only matters that all that thinking is actually taking place.


Why?

Because when someone thinks about you constantly, it actually creates intense attraction for them. Playing hard to get works, ladies, which is why it’s another one of those good ole’ fashioned rules that’s stuck around. Psychologically, people tend to want what they can’t have. It’s called the Law of Scarcity and it works in economics and in relationships.

It’s a scientific fact – uncertainty heightens romantic attraction. So if you’re worried he’ll think you’re not interested and then be gone for good, don’t bother thinking that. That’s just your insecurities talking, that’s just you thinking you’re not good enough. But YOU ARE good enough. Have faith in yourself that you’re worth it – and that he thinks you are, too. Don’t sell yourself short because how you perceive yourself – is how others will perceive you as well.

You see, when he’s uncertain as to whether or not you really like him, it’s actually a good thing. It keeps him interested. It keeps him coming around. It makes him want to win you over. It makes him work harder at the relationship. All those things it does to you when it happens to you – it does to him as well.

When a man disappears on you and you worry that he may be gone for good - when he resurfaces suddenly, do you kick him to the curb? Nope. Well, it works the same for men, gals. When you disappear on them suddenly and without warning and then you resurface out of nowhere, they’re unlikely to kick you to the curb. Rather, nine times out of ten, the individual is thrilled you’ve returned.

Men know this, ladies. They use this dating rule regularly – on YOU.

When You Want Your Ex Back

This handy dandy little dating rule can also be used to lure an ex back into your tangled web. If you’ve overwhelmed your ex with neediness, emotional displays, tons of questions about his feelings for you, anger and frustration and, as a result, he dumped you and now you want him back - employ the rule of no contact immediately. Why? To make him think he was wrong about you - and to make him miss you.

Why?

Because men are human too, ladies. They miss people and they’ll miss you when you suddenly disappear and they’re ringing your phone and texting you and you’re not answering or responding to them. That’s when the roles gets reversed and now THEY’RE thinking about YOU constantly. And all that thinking, negative or not, is actually going to create an intense attraction for you. The point is to stay away so long that the man actually begins to “long” for you.

Men equate “longing” for someone with love, ladies.

To Get Over A Man

Yep, the no contact rule is truly a handy dandy little rule with lots of uses. And the last use is to help you get over a bad breakup with a man – to help you emotionally detach from him. Why do you want to detach from him? So you can move on, think about him less, and allow room to meet other men and cease the unhealthy obsessive thought patterns and embarrassing behavior that ultimately, only makes you feel worse about yourself and helpless.

Why?

You see, when you desperately hang on, when you remain in communication with an ex, you’re doing yourself a big injustice. You’ll never get over him if you’re still communicating with him. So do yourself a big ole’ favor here and stop doing that, right now.

If you want the pain to go away, ladies – you have to make HIM go away, because he IS your pain.

How To Use The No Contact Rule When Dating


When A Man Suddenly Disappears On You OR When You Want Your Ex Back

Generally, the no contact rule is a 30 day rule. How to do this is, when a guy suddenly disappears on you without warning or breaks up with you and you want him to notice you again, you get his attention by suddenly disappearing on HIM – you make him experience the consequences.

It’s what’s best for him and you. That’s how you learn lessons in life, that’s how you learn not to repeat your mistakes and that’s how you experience personal growth and develop coping skills. And yes, they call them “growing pains” for a reason – they hurt. So expect it to hurt and brace yourself for a wonderful period of self-awareness and personal growth.

You disappear for 30 days. You do not take his calls. You do not respond to his texts. You do not communicate with him via social media. You do not communicate or respond at all, period, for 30 days. You stay gone and all he hears are crickets chirping in the dead of night.

After not hearing from you or receiving a response from you for 30 days, he'll begin to think this . . watch the video below, a song called "Madness" by Muse, and pay close attention to what this man is doing in these lyrics here - he's THINKING - about the WOMAN, and what HE did WRONG and how he's now READY to face the fact that he needs to LOVE:


Some woman most likely pulled "no contact" on his ass there.

So then, after a 30 day time period (30 days from the time you decided to use the no contact rule) and lots of time for him to think, you suddenly and without warning – resurface. And you do so by either:

1.) Finally responding to a question from one of his last communications (if he’s asked one)

2.) Simply saying, “Hello, how are you?”

And when communication is reinstated – you keep it short and sweet. You don’t share your emotions, you don’t cry, you don’t text back and forth like lightening for 5 hours and you don’t have long, drawn out 3 hour telephone conversations in an attempt to hash things out. You play it cool. You’re busy, you’re independent, you’re confident and you have a life. You “check in” is all. You make small talk and nothing more.

And from that point forward, you play it cool. You take an hour or so to respond to texts. You return calls a day or so later. You don’t accept last minute date requests, he has to make plans with you 3 days in advance or – you’ve already made plans (even if you haven’t, you pretend as if you have – remember, you have a life and you want to give him the impression that you’re busy, healthy and others desire your time as well). This is how you set healthy boundaries, earn respect and get him to treat you with fairness and kindness.

If he’s started out after the no contact period correctly but then suddenly relapses into bad behavior again, then you employ “behavioral mirroring” with him. If he disappears on you for 3 days, you don’t respond for 3 days. If he takes 24 hours to answer a text, you take 24 hours to respond. If he says he’ll call and he doesn’t, when he does, you don’t answer it and you respond to it 3 to 5 days later. And if he really begins misbehaving and taking you for granted again – you employ the no contact rule all over again for 30 days. This is how you create fairness and balance in a relationship and how you hold your own and you don’t get plowed over again.

This is how you earn a man’s respect, ladies. If you’re a pushover, then that’s exactly what he’s going to do to you – push you over.

When You Need To Get Over A Man Or A Breakup

Breakups hurt, rejection hurts. And most times, they hurt women more than men because of all the emotions women are capable of having that men are not. Men don’t analyze things or beat themselves up. Men PROJECT their emotions – outward and onto others. Women ABSORB their emotions – and beat themselves up.

If you want the pain to go away, you need to walk through those emotions and accept the reality. The only way to get rid of the pain is to feel the pain, to work through it and to learn to cope with your emotions in a healthy manner. To make that process much easier for yourself, you employ the no contact rule.

You do not, under any circumstances, communicate with the man. If you do, you’ll have to experience the consequences of your OWN decisions here – you’ll experience pain again, because you’ve permitted it. So you ignore his calls, you don’t respond to his texts, you remove him from any of your social media profiles and you put the past in the past.

If you remain in contact with your ex, you’ll never heal and you’ll continue to experience the hurt. You must cease contact for your own good. If you want the pain to go away, get rid of the pain – he IS your pain - and you need to get rid of him.

This will help you to think of him less and less as the days go on. You will begin to detach from him and from all of the negative emotions and damaging thought processes. You will no longer feel the intense desire to cling to him or to reach out to him. You will begin to feel better about yourself and you will begin to make room in your life for a new man – one that treats you with respect and kindness.

Using the no contact rule to get over a man - helps you to actually get over him.

And there you have it, a handy dandy little guide to employing the no contact rule properly when dating. There are many times in life ladies, that you must learn to say “no” and actually take responsibility for your own happiness and stop blaming the man when it’s actually YOU permitting this unhappiness. If you want things to change – then YOU have to change. You have to learn to be happy, with or without a man, and you need to stop living under the false impression that you need a man to make you happy.

Your happiness doesn’t come from a man, it comes from within yourself - and you radiate it, like warm sunshine.

So get comfortable with the phrases below:

“No, I won’t tolerate this.”

“No, this is unacceptable.”

“No, I won’t permit you to treat me like this”

“No, I will not be available to you when you treat me with disrespect and take me for granted.”

It’s Simple Gals


If you don’t look out for yourself and treat yourself with respect, then why would anyone else? Men want sex. Women want romance. So the best (and only) way for a man to have sex with you – is to romance you. Period, case closed. It’s a tradeoff, and a fair and equal one at that.

So make them do that, ladies: No romance = no sex. It’s simple.

Learn to say “no” and set healthy boundaries in your relationships and you will actually find that you will begin to feel empowered. You will develop a healthy self-esteem. You will feel confident. You will signal to men that you need to be treated with respect. You will grow dignity. You will find that you worry less and less about impressing a man – and you become more and more focused on a man impressing YOU (romancing you).

You have something he wants (sex): Make him work for it (romance).

Do that and you will be happy. You will be treated with respect and kindness. Give it away for free and you’ll be taken for granted by a man who never wants to lift a finger for you or impress you or give you what you need (romance).

This is not game playing, ladies. This is setting healthy boundaries for yourself, looking out for yourself and earning respect for yourself – and making a man treat you with such.

And here’s the harsh reality, ladies. Recent studies have shown that the modern day woman kisses approximately 75 frogs before finding her Prince Charming. So realize that when you stand your ground and demand respect, lazy men, users, and players seeking sex for free will walk away from you. But that’s a good thing because you’re weeding your way through the worthless ones that would’ve only hurt you anyway.

So if 74 frogs leap away from you – realize that the 75th is on his way to you.

It’s the good ole’ fashioned way of doing things. Back in the day, they called it courting. Try it, it works.

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2494 Comments:

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Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

Not sure whether I wrote my story in this section, in Experiences with an Aries or in Disappearing Reappearing Men in December 2012 - probably all three! LOL!

Let's just say, No Contact may be working....

My ex looked at my online profile today. He has not looked at it for many, many months since the day we met. I did not browse his profile nor will I !

Today marks Week 8 of No Contact.

I will update you IF he actually contacts me...but it seems, someone may be thinking of me and maybe even missing me now :-D

Oooh and there are all those lovely memories of us coming up with our wonderful love, from this time last year too, for him to think and feel on further about ;-)

@AnonWoman

Anonymous said...

@Queenbee

I lol'ed when you recounted the iphone slip. I do stuff like that ALL THE DAMN TIME.

I think since you broke the silence by initiating the e-mail, he probably took your caving as a sign that you'd apologize and initiate the rest - like ask how he is, etc.

Also - if he asks how you are, he might expect you to blow up. So he's likely playing it safe and just responding to what you wrote him (re the gmail spam).

Without some more details about how the fight started and what it was about, it's hard for any of us here to give you our thoughts on how to proceed.... although based on what you shared, I don't think it's a good sign to be getting into fights with a guy you're not even exclusive with.

The beginning = honeymoon courtship period. You deserve someone who wants to make you happy!

- Vivian

Anonymous said...

@Mirror. Well the back story is that he travels for a living, and while I never think long distance relationships are a good idea. He met me at a very strange time in my life, where I was working very hard and studying for the CPA exam and too busy for a "real" relationship, and somehow it just fit. We had good chemistry, never ran out of stuff to talk about, he flew me out to see him, etc. Then when he found out he was on stand-by for work on new years eve for a gig in vegas I was very irritated he would not come to see me and let him have it. (Mainly I was upset he did not tell me this until I asked what the deal is with NYE, since last time we talked about the next time we see each other will be NYE, so essentially he flaked on me).

Actually, this is how most of my relationships end or pause: When I go all bi-polar and throw massive fits because I am not getting my way. God forbid a guy doesn't do something the way I had planned in my mind that it should be. He will never hear the end of it(anger issues, i know)...So anyway, I might have let him have it, but he deserved it, and I do not think I should have to apologize to him, because if I come apologizing to him at the beginning of the relationship like this, if we are to have something long term, I will have set the tone for the relationship and then he will always expect me to come kiss his butt, even when he should be the one to apologize.

My aunt always tells me the story of how her former husband (who passed from brain cancer) was like this. Even on his death bed he would hold a grudge and she would have to kiss up to him and apologize, even when he threw things at her and acted up out of anger that he was sick. Meanwhile there she was taking care of him and wiping his ass till the last day. He found a way to blame her for everything. A man needs to be able to buy a bouquet of roses and apologize when he screwed up don't you think? We cannot do the heavy lifting for them or they will never appreciate us. Especially this caveman I am dealing with. (my anger issues aside, which mainly come from my upbringing: I'm eastern european so I was raised not to trust anyone and that everyone is out to get me, hence I've always got my guard up and ready to attach the minute I feel the least bit hurt). It is a strange situation...I have also hidden my facebook, deactivated twitter, and put my instagram on private so that he cannot snoop on me (he is a bit of a snooper). My thinking is that if you are going to seemingly sever all ties, delete mutual friends on facebook, how do you expect me to think anything other than that you are finished with me???

Gemini 50 said...

@Kaylee,
Please accept my sincere apologies. I did not hear the negative comments about this man in your first post; I heard the positive, and thought you might be risking losing something good.

Your second post is clear, and he reminds me of my Virgo guy.

I'm going to keep the advice giving where it belongs... with the professionals. :)

Except one thing: Trust yourself! (and, as I write this, I'm telling myself that as well).

HUGS!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 28, 5:16PM,
"Then when he found out he was on stand-by for work on new years eve for a gig in vegas I was very irritated he would not come to see me and let him have it."

I don't see him failing to tell you that as flaking. Airports are a nightmare and no one can predict what will happen in one and traveling can be stressful. I imagine he assumed things would go smoothly, but then the unexpected happened instead.

"When I go all bi-polar and throw massive fits because I am not getting my way. . . but he deserved it, and I do not think I should have to apologize to him"

Honey, no disrespect, but how can someone deserve to be verbally abused simply because you don't get your way? That's not fair at all. And if someone wrongs you, going bi-polar on them will not help matters at all if they feel disrespected by you, treated unfairly and receive the impression from you that you're emotionally unstable when it comes to not getting your way.

"I will have set the tone for the relationship and then he will always expect me to come kiss his butt"

Apologizing because you blew up and threw a temper tantrum for not getting your way is not kissing someone's butt. It's treating them fairly and accepting responsibility for your behavior.

Communicating via emotional displays is not healthy for either party involved.

"A man needs to be able to buy a bouquet of roses and apologize when he screwed up don't you think?"

If he truly screwed up in some manner, then sure. But if the only thing wrong is that you simply didn't get your way because of extenuating circumstances that he had no control over, then no, that's not his fault. You don't want to turn into your aunt's former husband, do you? Holding grudges and abusing those who love you?

"I'm eastern european so I was raised not to trust anyone and that everyone is out to get me, hence I've always got my guard up and ready to attach the minute I feel the least bit hurt"

You may want to work on that, sweetie. Or it's going to keep you from ever having a happy, healthy relationship.

"My thinking is that if you are going to seemingly sever all ties, delete mutual friends on facebook, how do you expect me to think anything other than that you are finished with me???"

He very well may be. He may have decided that he cannot take the emotional ups and downs and that he would not be happy in a situation like that. Only time will tell and if he's genuinely interested, he'll seek you out.

If he's not and he doesn't do that, then it's simply time to move on.

Anonymous said...

@mirror

He was not stuck on standby at the airport. He accepted a job where he would not know he if is working or not until Saturday before NYE. In my opinion he should have said "If I am not working, then I am jumping in my car and coming to see you as soon as I find out." Instead we got into the fight on Thurs/Fri, and Saturday I saw he was not working after all and still wound up staying in his crappy Ohio instead of coming to Chicago to see me and have some real fun. I think he was just too lazy to come, wanted to hang out with his stupid friends from back home because he didn't see them for 8 months, instead of making me the priority like it should be. That's why I hate this idiot. He deserved it. I am the queen and any moron not willing to recognize that should rot in hell. Sorry, but your response taking his side just irritated me even more.

Also, have you read the story about the spam e-mails and how he texted me after I e-mailed him? (I posted that a couple days ago). I was trying to ask you if he was attempting to make small talk with me then or just being courteous? The e-mail I sent required no response and I didn't expect one either. I have not texted him back obviously. Also, he may have blocked me on FB bc he thought I blocked him first (I deactivated my profile, and when I did I was still friends with him because I wrote something nasty on his wall, then decided to delete and immediately deactivated). I Came back on a few days later and realized he had blocked me. Another reason he may have blocked me other than me writing offensive things on his wall, visible to all his friends, I was threatening to post the naked pics he sent me and tag them on facebook. So I think he was either getting revenge thinking I l blocked him or just scared I might go completely coo-koo and post the pics he sent me.

Anyway, after a month of not speaking I have grown angrier than ever. Then he texts me so casually, doesn't even ask how I have been when I just went through hell and back inside my body. What an insensitive idiot?!?!?!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
My point isn't necessarily one of placing blame. My point is that in order to get the results you're shooting for with people, communicating effectively is crucial to the outcome.

It's much better to communicate in a matter of fact, non emotional way to be heard. Persuasion and action has a magical effect on human behavior whereas emotional displays do not and simply get tuned out.

"Then he texts me so casually, doesn't even ask how I have been when I just went through hell and back inside my body. What an insensitive idiot?!?!?!"

Well, this is what I mean. He now fears you and he fears your emotions and he fears what you may do as a result of them. And because of this, he's not going to show sensitivity to someone that he feels isn't doing the same when communicating with him about his mistakes. See what I mean?

If you messed up and then he threatened to post naked pics of you, blew up on you and went "bi-polar" on you, as you refer to it . . when you next heard from him - would you bother to ask how he's doing? Would you show him sensitivity?

Me, personally. If a man screamed and yelled at me because of a mistake I made or because they felt neglected by me and then threatened to post damning images of me as a result - I would never trust them again nor would I feel compelled to show them sensitivity because they failed to do so with me when communicating with me about what I had done wrong.

I'm simply trying to share that effective communication and action is a much better path to getting the results you seek with others. Men are attracted to feminine energy and when a woman communicates with them via emotional displays, it's more akin to masculine energy and it repels men away from you rather than draws them towards you.

You can speak volumes with actions - and never have to say a word to get your message heard loud and clear. Yes, men frustrate us at times and I'm quite sure we frustrate them at times as well. But not everything a man or woman does deserves a "level 10" reaction.

Sometimes, saying nothing - SCREAMS volumes. And that's what I'm trying to share here. I'm not saying he's right, you're wrong. I'm simply saying that I think there's another way to deal with misbehaving men - and that's via ACTIONS, not words and emotional displays. Words and emotional displays are the kiss of death with men. And that's the message I'm attempting to communicate here - ACTIONS, not words and emotions when it comes to men.

A guy just wrote this on a post here:

"I didn't mention anything emotional / psychological because we avoid that sh*t like the plague...Men and emotions Do.Not.Compute."

Anonymous said...

@Mirror and @EasternEuropean,

The EasternEuropean has a lot of INNER WORK to do, I feel she is at the start of a journey of inner self discovery. I was once, kinda, where she was, so I feel I know (a bit).

It took me six months of reading aphroditeastrology for advice and reading ten relationship and psychology books, to realise was I was and to change it.

Indeed, silence speaks volumes, as does sweetness, as does saying one or two bold powerful matter of fact sentences, and then being quiet, so he can compute, understand and respond.

@Starlet

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous,
Thank you for your wisdom! You are correct, I already know what I need to do with this fellow. I loathe any type of confrontation and was looking at the wrong aspects of it all as a means of avoiding it. But I will put my big girl panties on and do what I need to do. Your words reminded me of some things about myself that I had forgotten; I know I am sensitive but also have a monstrous inner-critic that makes it difficult for me to discern when I need to stand up for myself. And yes, he would eventually destroy a part of me that I value, and all the chivalry in the world is not worth that! Thank you so much for writing!! ~ Kaylee

Anonymous said...

@Gemini 50,
I wasn't giving all the details initially, so your advice was not amiss. In looking for Mirror's story of the one that got away, I found more material to think about and realized I was focusing too much on the things about him that I liked with giving weight to how I felt around him.

No more Virgo men for me!!! Take care and thank you! ~ Kaylee

Anonymous said...

@Scarlet

I spent 2 years and lots of money in therapy working on my issues. I read more than 10 books. I am very aware that what I did was wrong, but it is just not in my personality type to sit idly, and be passive about things. I honestly do not want to be like that. I just want to be an effective communicator. I do not want my emotions to get the best of me and give me verbal diarrhea, where I end up saying hurtful things to someone I truly care about to the point where I completely alienate and antagonize them. I never wanted it to come to this. I was expecting him to fight for me. To want to talk it out and ask me why am I acting this way and saying these things. Instead he took the easy way out and bolted. I was screaming for attention and I got the exact opposite. I got ignored. Also, I am not sure completely if he was ignoring me or just getting back at me thinking that I started ignoring him by deactivating my facebook (which made him think I blocked him probably). I don't know as of right now.

So @mirror: Now that he texted me, as b/s as his text was, should I continue to ignore him? I see what you mean with him being afraid to talk to me/afraid of my emotions, but I am not sure if you are saying that the relationship is completely damaged, or if it can be resorted if we begin communicating normally and I show him my wonderful, fun, loving side that he fell in love with (I have one, I promise lol). After all, he did not need to respond, and I feel that since not only did he respond to my email, but he took the effort to text me and make sure I get his response tells me that he wanted to start a conversation, but did not know how because he is scared of what I might say. Do you think that is an accurate assessment? I know he is a good guy and has feelings, and I don't now how deep his feelings for me run, but I definitely know that we have both disappointed each other and need to hash things out if this relationship is ever going to progress into something better. We might need to start from scratch, as friends again. I really think he is worth the work and effort, assuming his feelings for me have not changed, and honestly, I am on here asking for your opinion, but deep down in my gut, I know he is waiting for me to take the lead or at least respond. He is probably really put off that I did not respond and start a normal conversation like I normally would. Today, I am very emotional and in no shape to speak to him, or anyone. I have all these random feelings running through my mind (must be the full moon or something). Also, due to his work (always in loud places), we got into this really bad habit of mostly texting, which I believe lead to TONS OF MISCOMMUNICATION between us, TONS, and if I am going to talk to him again, I would like to transition into minimal texting and more phone calls. What if I text him and all I do is tell him to call me? It would be like throwing the ball back in his court and showing a little interest at the same time, but then you are the expert so I'll let you answer.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Kaylee,
I'm sure that given enough time and space to think things through - you will reach the decision that's best for you.

The thing that gave me pause about this man, the thing that made me want to have you consider alternative ways of dealing with him, is the fact that he treats you right. And in this day and age, that is so VERY rare.

The man I met that I swatted away twice, he was a gentleman. Now, of course, none of us are perfect. We all have flaws. And I saw a female matchmaker on television one time say:

"Most people are looking for perfection and they get stuck in a loop. They're already dating someone that's 80% of what they want - but they dump them to find the person that's 100% of what they want. And I feel that if you find someone that's 80% of what you want - you should run towards them - not dump them. Because the other 20% can be worked out."

And that's very true. Particularly if there are no deal breakers involved. The man I swatted away was not a perfect man and the things I saw at the time that I thought were deal breakers - actually were not. And it was only after the fact, after I sent him away the second time, that I realized - "You could've worked on that. You should've worked on that."

He was 80% of what I needed. And that should've been enough for me, yet I failed to recognize that. So what happened afterwards? The universe sent me a 3 year string of complete caveman assholes that treated me like crap. I mean, there wasn't 15% of anything I needed in any of the men I met after him. And THAT'S when it hit me, "You should've worked on that. He gave you 80% of what you needed and you haven't met another man able to do that since."

So basically, that's the concept I was attempting to share with those suggestions on how to handle his negativity. Because it's very difficult nowadays to find a man that treats you right, that you can trust and that respects you - and those are three of the foundations necessary for a successful relationship. And they're also the 3 most difficult things to find in another human being. So to me, if those 3 things exist - the rest is worth working on.

Naturally, that's if two people care enough to work on it together and that's also if there are no deal breakers involved. And in my case, there were not.

Just some food for thought there. Like I said, I'm sure given enough time and space, you'll make the right decision for yourself :-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan. 29, 10:57PM,
Well first off, I need to state that I am not a professional. I'm simply a woman that's been navigating the dating field full of landmines for many years now. And I've decided to share what I've learned with other women here. My message to women here is more one of self preservation - self awareness and growth. It's not necessarily about getting the man so much as it is learning to protect yourself and develop healthy ways to stand your ground with one so you don't get run over and left for dead.

I don't think all is lost here. I mean - never say never with men. However, sometimes LOTS of time is necessary. Sometimes that can be a month, sometimes 8 months, sometimes years. Just like the old saying, "Time heals all wounds" - it does, it helps. But you need to give it the proper amount of time.

Right now, I think you're too emotional to communicate with him effectively and clearly. It happens to women all the time. So it's nothing to be embarrassed about. And I always tell women, DO NOT make any decisions or act on any of those emotions when in that mental/emotional state. Because nine times out of ten, things do not go as planned and women tend to regret the actions they've taken when impulsively acting on their emotions.

So not that the door has somewhat been cracked open again here, I'd give this more time. In the meantime, work on developing healthier methods of communicating your emotions to others. So that when it IS time to speak, you can get your points across clearly to him, without emotion clogging the wheels.

This is all still very fresh so I wouldn't take any action right now. I'd take a breather here and give him time to process what just happened here, this communication from you. Yea, he probably is expecting you to contact him. But that's the old you - you're working on becoming a new you. The old you would quickly jump to do the work here and act impulsively on the emotions you're feeling. The new you will take time for yourself to process and work through the emotions that you're feeling, giving him time to do the same - before communicating.

That will give you the greatest odds and chance of success here. Don't rush things. There's plenty of time and it's not the end of the world - it's just a man, LOL.

Just take plenty of time to think about all of this and to think about what's being said here and to process things, before taking any action. When you're ready to talk, I'm sure he'll be there. But you only get one or two shots at something like this, so give yourself plenty of time to make sure you make those good ones ;-)

Anonymous said...

@Kaylee and MOA
dear ladies, it's me again, the woman who gave Ms Kaylee a piece of her mind about Mr. Pedestal. I was thinking about it again after I posted my comment and realized what really bothers me about the story. This man comments on others with disdain (and without much self-reflection, apparently). I have the feeling that our sister Kaylee is chosen to be his audience. He needs an non-argumentative audience to feel validated, and he gives her 'the pedestal' in return. She looks for a man that treats her right, and swallows the audience role. You see my logic? What's missing is that Ms Kaylee wants to feel loved, but has been put on a pedestal by a man that is not loving in general, and she (in my opinion rightfully) fears that this will come back to bite her at some point, when she falls out of grace. I believe that, more than being a self-critic, Kaylee knows in het heart that she has the right angle in life, and you, MOA, know it too. It's called empathy and it will grant you a long long life even when all the looks and pretences have gone. My concern is that this 'flower', as I call it, can very well be stunned in its growth, and one of the best ways to make sure that you stop growing is hanging out with negative people. I just wnat to ask Kaylee to be honest with her own motives for staying with this man. I honstly don't believe that she just wants to be treated 'right', I think she could very well deal with not being treated 'right' every now and then by a good man (as will happen). My feeling is that somehow somewhere, Kaylee feels that she can teach this man how to become a better (more empathic) man. And that is where I disagree with MOA. I don't think that sensitive women should try their hand in that. I think sensitive women are wel.... too sensitive, and will get bruised in the process. They are likely to get more bruised than the good that they do, ultimately. This is why I say: take care Kaylee. Let the man be who he is and step away when you start feeling anxious due to his behavior. Please don't lean in. Self-preservation is really a bare necessity for sensitive women. It's a pity that the sweet lord does not usually hand both talents out at the same time, but it's easier to learn to take care of yourself than learning to be more sensitive, I guess. Good luck Kaylee! May the force be with you ;-)

Alana said...

@Mirror

>"Most people are looking for perfection and they get stuck in a loop. They're already dating someone that's 80% of what they want - but they dump them to find the person that's 100% of what they want. And I feel that if you find someone that's 80% of what you want - you should run towards them - not dump them. Because the other 20% can be worked out."

>And that's very true. Particularly if there are no deal breakers involved. The man I swatted away was not a perfect man and the things I saw at the time that I thought were deal breakers - actually were not. And it was only after the fact, after I sent him away the second time, that I realized - "You could've worked on that. You should've worked on that."

>He was 80% of what I needed. And that should've been enough for me, yet I failed to recognize that. So what happened afterwards? The universe sent me a 3 year string of complete caveman assholes that treated me like crap. I mean, there wasn't 15% of anything I needed in any of the men I met after him. And THAT'S when it hit me, "You should've worked on that. He gave you 80% of what you needed and you haven't met another man able to do that since."


Aphrodite, I can't even tell you how much I can relate... This is exactly how I feel about Guy at the moment, whom I obviously couldn't see I was already getting 80% back in 2011!

Anonymous said...

@Mirror

Thanks for the advice. Yes, I am definitely behaving differently now than when I was in prior relationships. Last time I can admit to having such strong feelings for a guy, as a I do for this one was 2009. I already caught myself with this new one, and started consciously avoiding the same mistakes I made with the last one. I was so proud of myself, but eventually it all caught up with me (the emotions), but then I feel like he also starting having more feelings for me, more than he could handle or expected at the time, and so I think he retreated. From what I know about him is that he is pretty hard to tie down, but from his past history he has been a cereal monogamist (based on past facebook stalking), so I think he just moves slow out of fear of getting hurt or making the wrong decision, and I feel like he jumped in head-first with me (we both did) and now we are slowing the relationship down. I think both of us became overwhelmed.

So anyway, I really felt powerful after he texted me back (when I really expected no response from the e-mail I incidentally shot him) and had no intention of responding on the whim. I definitely needed to process the fact he even responded & still had my number (fool showed all his cards, lol) when I had been under the impression he had severed all ties. Now that a week has passed I do not feel inclined to speak to him at all, unless he were to contact me. I am just going to leave this up to the universe and not stress because I really have more important things on my mind. Thanks for your help.

EasternEuropeanQueenBee

Anonymous said...

Hey Mirror,

I wrote on Monday saying I was happy my ex had looked at my online business profile.

He has not got in touch.

Now I feel shit again, that he is not getting in touch, but has reminded himself to me. He knew his name would come up in my 'visitors to my profile' newsfeed.

I was doing well with the No Contact, over 8 weeks it's been....now I feel sad again and the pain has returned....because I was left wondering if he would get in touch again after he looked at my profile, now I am tentatively still wondering if he is going to.

So because I am left unsure as to whether he is going to act on his curiosity or missing me, I am finding it difficult to move on and feel I've backtracked.

I just can't seem to date others guys, whilst I have the hope in my heart he may be coming back anytime soon....

What to do...I am online dating and have been asked out by some nice guys (their profiles are anyway) but I am putting them on the back burner at the moment as my heart is not into dating and I wonder if it will make me feel worse or not....but then I wonder if I should get out there....or...whether I should wait a little longer. I guess I am afraid and in mourning still and still waiting for his return (or not).


@AnonWoman aka Virgo

Anonymous said...

Hi there...first of all, I love this blog...just wish I would have read it before I went through all the craziness I just went through with a guy. I met this guy after being single for many years by choice and really didn't know much about any of this "no contact" stuff. I fell hard for him right of the bat and he seemed genuinely interested at first, although he said that he did not want to jump into a relationship. But he began sending mixed signals very soon into things...and pretty much everything you have warned us not to do on here...I did. He pulled back and I chased...then he pulled back more and I got angry. Then he instituted 30 days no contact (lol...I wonder if he read this blog) and I, not knowing anything about that...didn't understand what was going on and freaked out and sent him several emotional emails. He came back though...but then began the appearing and disappearing act..along with many mixed signals. He would initiate no contact over and over...I would chase...but then give up eventually, and then he would call and want to see me. But then he would start saying he wasn't ready for a commitment again, which would get me upset...which would make him pull away again...and always I would send angry and emotional emails...alternating with apologetic emails like a bipolar freak because I was so confused. Anyway...to try to wrap this up...I forgot that I made the biggest mistakes of telling him I loved him and letting him see me and sleep with me as soon as he would reappear. Anyway, before Christmas, he told me that he knew he was messing with my emotions and it wasn't fair...that he had to let me go and maybe we could try again in the future...he said he still had feelings for me and always would. Of course, like a dummy, I sent emails again. About three weeks ago..I sent an email and told him that I hoped we could see each other in the future but that if I did not hear from him again...I would assume he was done and respect that. He wrote back and told me that he wasn't going to contact me again and didn't want me to contact him again. So...did I blow this for good? Or did I just never give him the time to actually miss me? I know he must care because he did initiate contact several times after my crazy chasing behavior. But maybe he is just done with it. I really love this guy and am kicking myself for acting like I did after reading this blog. Do you think this is something that can be salvaged if I drop of the face of the earth and initiate no contact now? Help!

-callmecrazy

Anonymous said...

<80 % did he ever try to come you back to you at any point? I ask because if he did not, then there is nothing to regret on your part. If he did and you just did not feel what you feel now, maybe you should trust your instinct .

The good thing about this blog is that if you take time to read every post here you find out (among other things) that beating yourself up, will never solve any problem, working with ourselves and believing that we deserve 100% helps everybody who faces relationships issues. Nobody is perfect but that does not mean that we should settle for second best.
MOA is an amazing help, if we to do the job! And MOA also reminded me that patience is a virtue.

Like flowers, we are all here to grow and blossom. Take care

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Call Me Crazy,
Well, I always say that with men - never say never.

But only time will tell here. Don't contact him ever again and wait it out a month or two to see if he reappears.

And when/if he does reappear, next time, don't jump right into his lap, LOL ;-)

Anna_S said...

@call me crazy

One a guy flat out tells you not to talk to him again, I would take his advice. That is a very harsh thing to say and unless he is know for getting angry and saying things he does not mean while angry (I am like that) I probably would let tho one go. Seriously, have some self respect and don't humiliate yourself in front of a man that just told you he does not want you to talk to him.

One guy in my entire life told me that, I took his advices and never heard from him again.

Anna_S said...

@call me crazy

By the way this was 4 years ago and never heard from that one. So seriously, focus on yourself and don't hold your breath. I'd seriously delete all his information. He sounds like a total d-bag and you did not blow it. You will meet a guy that will be there and things will be great and he will not drive you to have such emotional outbursts and to send stupid emails because you will be too busy being happy, in love, and taken care of by him. I know you miss him now and you want him back, but it gets better with time. I promise. You just have to stop yourself from thinking about him, and do not contact him no matter what. Jut delete his number from your phone so your are not tempted to slide down that road. Delete all emails and traces of him. Do not live in the past. Focus on the future.

Gemini 50 said...

@Anon Woman Virgo

Sorry you got your hopes up for result you wanted. Girl, this is your lesson... take care of your "self" while you are learning it.

You can't control what others do, all you can do is take care of yourself. I know how hard it is... it f'n sucks!

Support yourself, be kind to that part of you that is hurting. Fill that void with your love. Yes, LOVE yourself! You deserve it.

I feel bad for you, I know what you are feeling, but believe in yourself that you do not need another person to complete you.

You have been knocked down, but you will get up. Sometimes we just need to rest. And sometimes we will be knocked down over and over again until we know how to block that punch (my dad taught me, the left arm blocks while the right arm punches) :)

Going to and reaching out on this blog is your left arm.

Hugs!

Alana said...

@Anon January 30, 2013 at 9:17 PM

It's a really long story but I was the one who let him go - just stopped replying to his messages etc - and we went on to date other people. He was really good to me at the time - and I didn't really appreciate it/took it for granted - but I think he took my silence quite seriously.

I recently tried to get back in touch with him and we went on a few dates, only for him to get back with his ex - which was a major blow for me. It's been a month now and I'm much better though.

But you're right - maybe my instinct back then was right, who knows... :)

AnonWoman said...

Hi @Gemini50,

Thanks for your supportive message.

When you say: love yourself....how exactly do you do that? I don't mean eating nice food and exercising, I mean mentally?

Like, when you feel pain because of loss and missing an ex, how would I love myself? Pretend I am looking at myself as a man or friend and talk to myself saying: ooooooh, darling, it'll be OK, and imagine being hugged?

I've always heard the phrase, love yourself, but never fully understood how you do it.

Someone said to me to be kind to yourself and you love yourself like this: When a toddler or small child does something wrong, you don't bereat them, you take them in your arms and say: there darling, it'll be ok, and you hug them and make them feel good.

Unconditional love.

So I wondered if psychologically, you do that kind of thing to yourself, when you feel sad too?

I realise this may some deep, but just wondering if that's what you mean or you do?

I did it a couple of times and it did feel good I must say.

Although if you're imagining your ex hugging you unconditionally, not sure that is good or not, but it's hard to subside those thoughts when you feel in your gut he is coming back...

Jgirl21 said...

Thanks for the responses...I need to get a name on here because it gets confusing...lol. Anyway...to respond to Anna...he has told me not to contact him before...and I have told him the same thing, out of anger. Like I said, this has been going on for a while now. He has told me it's over and it's never going to happen and then come back...he has told me he will never love me, then said he loved me...as my therapist said...he is the king of mixed messages. And don't get me wrong...I am aware that he treats me like crap a lot of the time. I also know that I have had a part to play in everything. It seems like we spent most of our time reacting to each other. I think that both of us wanted to try to get back to the way things were in the beginning before we started all of the stupid drama but we just couldn't get past the crap and get back there. I don't know...there are so many questions on my end..which drives me crazy, hence, all the emails. Some days I want him back...and some days I feel like I want to find someone else. I do know that I do not plan on contacting him again. If he cares...he has to contact me...and I will make it clear (with actions) that things will be very different and that he will have to work to prove he wants to be with me...I will not pursue him or give him the "milk for free" so to speak.
-Callmecrazy

Gemini 50 said...

@ Anon Woman Virgo,

Ok, this might be a little heavy, but I’ll try to explain.

I went into therapy for a lot of years when I was 22. I have also gone back throughout my life for help with different things I’ve got stuck on and needed help figuring out and getting through.

Via my early therapy work, I learned how damaged the “child” was inside of me. I learned the reasons why, the impact to my life growth, and I learned that, as an adult, I had the power to provide and teach that child the support and love it never received when it should have.

There have been times when I have been so distraught by a “life punch,” that when I finally got the chance to have time for myself, I ended up wrapping my arms around a pillow curled up in the fetal position sobbing away in bed.

Eventually, I am able talk to the child. And usually it is just to get her off of the floor (figuratively speaking). What does a child do when they can’t take “it” anymore? They totally crash and fall. My first supportive talking is just to get that child up and moving again. I become the parent the child never had. I tell her that she’s going to be ok. I tell her that everything is going to be ok. I tell her that she will get through this. And even though my adult isn’t quite sure everything WILL be ok, I tell it to the child anyway because that is the adult’s job: to take care of the child, even when they aren’t sure they know how.

Once the child is no longer feeling the pain as harshly as it was, her day to day life starts moving again. The child isn’t over it, but moves along (very slowly sometimes) with the knowledge she isn’t alone; she’s got the adult who understands everything and is going through this with her too.

When the child finally feels the adult is taking care of things, she goes back to just hanging out in my soul not paying much attention to what the adult is doing. And that’s when I have to start supporting my adult as a friend, and where the sticky-notes I talked about in earlier post comes in. The notes on my computer say (in shorthand so only I know what they say), “You are going to be ok,” “You will get through this.” “Keep looking forward.”

Sometimes when I’m driving, or when I’m working in the yard, or doing housework, and I start to think about things and start to feel sad or some sense of dread, I kick in the positive talk. Sometimes the positive talk doesn’t stop the tears, but it counteracts the dread and insecurity with support and love. And these are simply things you and I would say to our friends going through the same experience.

I don’t picture another person giving me the support, because I am my strongest ally, and so are you for you.

And it isn’t about spending money on ‘things’ to temporarily feel better. It’s about giving yourself the time and support that your “self” needs to breath after a “punch,” and just heal, over and over and over again until your left arm is able to block the punch, or the punch is swung and misses, or you choose to walk away from the fight.

I’m right there with you Anonymous Virgo. I miss Scorpio terribly… but I’m worth being treated better. I like what Anonymous Male has said on the ‘Cheating’ post… sometimes a man’s choice to pursue a relationship has to do with timing and how it fits into his plans – it may not have anything to do with who the woman is at all.

So,if you don’t mind, I will end this with a message to myself: You hang in there girl! You are going to get through this, you will be ok.

Anna_S said...

@callmecrazy

Hmmm. I guess that's everyone's story on here, but you guys would definitely need to work out how you communicate with each other. Make a truce to not say things you do not mean and maybe step away when you are angry. Find other ways to show him you are upset other than losing it and sending him emails. Also, treat him like a friend, go on dates with other guys, let him come to you. But he really needs to align his intentions with his actions and his words. Question: Are you guys still Facebook friends or any other social media?

Jgirl21 said...

@Anna...

He doesn't use any of the social media sites. But there is a chance of us running into each other...as we live in a small town and are involved in some of the same community activities. I did delete all of his emails and info about a month ago. You are right...his actions and words have never matched up. He has some issues...which he is trying to work through in therapy himself. He was always upfront about the fact that he has issues that he needs to deal with before he feels that he is able to really commit to anyone. I think his biggest problem with me stemmed from wanting to be with me vs. knowing he really wasn't capable of being with anyone right now. Looking back, I think he tried to do the right thing by pulling away...but I wasn't letting him. In the end, I think he just knew he had to remove himself from the situation and work on himself. I miss him a lot...but I know this is probably best for both of us right now. It's just really hard when you love someone and you have to let them go.

-(you can call me Jgirl now...much better than callmecrazy...lol)

Anonymous said...

The guy I am with lives in another city and travels for work about once a month. We are okay with being in different cities as it is new and his family lives where I live so he comes home often. I really like him and didn't want to chase him so I would respond to his communication or sometimes initiate and so would he. The last time I saw him he said "you gave up on me?" and I asked what that meant. He said, "you stopped contacting/textingme. I hadn't given up on him but wasn't initiating as much. He said he thought I wasn't going to show up to our date and made the cab wait until he came in to see that I was there. He was very loving and shared a little bit aobut he'd been cheated on and hurt previously. I mentioned I hadn't given up on him but had been busy. The truth is I didn't want to be the one initiating all the communication either. I also had been dating others to not be focused on just him because he wasn't initiating often. He travels monthly for work and usually a week or so at a time. When he travels out of the country like brazil he will always respond when he is back. In Dec - about the 16th he quit responding. I would text once a week checking in to see if he had returned. My texts were basic - are you traveling over the holidays or Happy New Year. January 14th he responded and said - 'Alive, was in Brazil for 3 weeks with a loaner phone. How was your holiday?" I haven't yet responded and it's Feb 2nd. Mainly because I am just not sure if I should wait 30 days and do the no contact rule. While he was gone or out of the country I did check to see if he had made any FB comments (we are not FB friends) and was able to see he commented on his aunts page. He commented on Jan 3 via mobile and if he had a loaner would he really have FB on it? I am probably reading too much into it ... and I am now a little insecure as to how / when to respond. Any advice is appreciated

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Actually, I think he's the one that's insecure and possibly even a player. Insecure men expect women to pursue them because the thought of actually having to "man up" frightens them. Additionally, players expect women to chase them - so that things are real easy for the man.

And even if he did have a loner phone, if he was able to communicate with others via that phone, he could've done the same with you as well. Sounds like a load of crap to me, LOL.

"I am probably reading too much into it"

No. You're gut is speaking to you - telling you that something is "off" here about this man.

And you should listen to it ;-)

I wouldn't respond at all. I'd wait to see if he can "man up" here and to see if he's genuinely interested. If he doesn't, then so be it - pass him over.

Look at it like this - if this guy can't take the lead in the early stages and give you what you need to feel special, secure and happy - then how the hell can you EVER expect him to do that later on down the line in a committed relationship?

You can't.

Which is why men like this aren't worth it. He'll never be able to give you what you need to make you happy. If a guy doesn't do that in the early stages of dating - he's NEVER going to do it later on down the line.

It doesn't get better - it only gets worse :-(

And insecure men/women exhaust people. They make others do all of the work and carry the load in a relationship while they sit back and enjoy a free ride - without lifting a finger for the other individual. And me personally, I find it very hard to respect a man who can't actually BE A MAN when it comes to dating.

And I've found that men who can't be men in the early days of dating - remain the same the entire relationship - and in the end - only disappoint you.

Don't let that be you.

Anonymous said...

Thank you. Good advice and I agree with your thoughts on his ability to communicate. It's true. I am happy with myself for not responding to him. I deserve better.

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror,

I've had employed the NC method for a week aft he disappeared on me. He was trying to reach out to me alot during t NC period, hinted that his calls & sms don't seem to go through & that i may have "accidently blocked him" (LMAO) he gave me a walkthrough to unblock his number so that he'll be able to call me.

Then onwards i have been refusing late night calls & msgs (yes we had had sex early during when we started dating) & nt accepting dates less of 3 days notice.

He cancelled a dinner date earlier in t week due to workload, i was cool abt it. Nights ago asked me to come out to have some drinks & "to just chat" 11.30pm (excused myself becoz i had to get up early) & 1.25am (didn't reply to his sms).

He called me up few days back & we chatted a bit about what's been going on in t last 3 weeks (he never calls me to chat on t phone).

Teased me that it seems difficult to date me out these day and if i'm planning to migrate out of t country or sthg I just answered "i've been busy, u know how it is".

For my next date (earliest date ever - 6pm) he asked me what i would like to do & where i would like to go. I suggested t beach & he added that just would like to have dinner w me, sit down and have a chat then i can be back home by 9pm or 10pm when i tested t water (asked him if i need to bring my toothbrush or change of clothes as t following day is a working day) just to know if sex is going to be part of t date again but apparently not.

He is a Libra/Scorpio Cusp (behaves closed off) & i'm a Gemini (he had commented that i'm chatty).

It's really hard to tell i know but i feel great ard him & he has expressed to me that he feels good around me (vibes). I don't want to push away, hurt him or anger him. I feel love for him but i at the same time i question his behaviour towards me. I want to make him work towards a relationship then giving me a booty call status...

Jgirl21 said...

So...the piece of crap contacted me today. He wanted me to come over tonight for a booty call. Nice how he doesn't even realize what this does to me. I wait hoping to hear from him and when I do...he treats me like a prostitute. I ended up having it out with him. He basically tried to make everything my fault. He said he really liked me at first but I pushed too hard and he realized it was a headache and didn't want a relationship...I guess he basically just proceeded to string me along and use me for sex and company occasionally during the next nine months. He tried saying it wasn't my fault but then kept referring back to how I screwed everything up by pushing too fast. He said we couldn't go back...that guys can't go back...but that he would have sex with me whenever I want. Isn't that nice? He told me if I didn't want that, then I should move on. I told him to stop contacting me then! And I hung up on him. I'm done. I can't even call him an ex...because he doesn't even look at us as ever having been in a relationship. Nice. I guess he was just a waste of nine months of my life. I guess instead of referring to him as an ex...I will refer to him as "the nine months I was apparently off my rocker". I blocked his number.

Anna_S said...

@anonymous Gemini,

Not sure what your problem is. You guys seem to be in a stage where you re testing him and the no contact is working, but becareul because if you go overboard with the no contact you might discourage him and then you'll be very sorry when he doesn't answer your calls. Sound like you pulle back, he noticed, and now you move at your own pace. Slow and steady wins the race. You have control now and if he is not giving you what you expect, then talk to him about it. If he doesn't change his ways after you tell him what you like and don't like, you will have to move on. But guys are like dogs. You have to train them. Tell them what you like and what makes you happy and what makes you feel disrespected. If you do not tell them, they will never figure it out. Women are a mystery to them.

Anna_S said...

@mirror

I am the one with the guy that had not talked to me for almost a month after I went "bipolar" on him and then after I emailed him about his email being hacked and he responded with a text. A signed text message (was he assuming I deleted his number?) Also, do you think he was trying to initiate conversation an just afraid of what to say so he stuck to just responding to my email? ("Thanks for the heads up, changed my password - signed his name") or do you think he was beig courteous? But then why go through th trouble to text me? I am not sure if he even wanted to talk to me or was just being nice. It's like a constant battle in my head. It's been a week sice that contact, I haven't responded and he has not unblocked me on Facebook (which makes me absolutely insane). If I knew that he wanted to talk to me, maybe I would eventually text him to call me, but I feel so rejected BC he has blocked me on Facebook (but again he might have thought I blocked him too, BC I deactivated my account and have kept it deactivated for over a month now). Help me mirror I really miss him. What is your take on this? Do you consider this situation a disappearing act on his part or is he just seriously pissed at me? Doesn't know how to approach the situation? This is so messed up, it's like I was mad at him so I went nuts, made him mad at me. Now were both mad at each other an expect the other to come and apologize. But then my insecurities creap in and I start thinking he dumped me, forgetting my part in it. Awww mirror bless your soul for reading our garbage all day. I really need some direction. Oh by the way. We are both Leos. He is an August born, I'm a bipolar July 24 (cancer/Leo cusp) Fighting fire with fire anyone?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anna S,
I wouldn't focus or attempt to figure out what his recent contact meant. No one knows that but him.

I would focus on yourself right now and any future actions on his part, should there be any. Because a man that is genuinely interested will pursue a woman. A man that isn't, won't.

Only time will tell the tale here. Don't exhaust yourself or waste your time attempting to figure it all out. He may not even know why he did that or what he wants right now.

Sit tight, don't contact him and try to move on from this. There is nothing you can do right now that will change any of this other than giving him space and time.

Jgirl21 said...

Interestingly ladies...he tried to contact me again. Of course...to tell me he wants us to move on...again. I blocked his number so it's very odd that his text got through. But I ignored it. I hope he is sure about what he wants because when I am done..I am done. Be careful what you wish for...that's what I always say. Thanks to all of you for giving me support during all of this.

Jgirl21 said...

@Anna...wow...two Leos..that is tough. I can't tell you anything for certain about your situation...but I do know that it has been my experience that anger fades. People get angry...react to each other, get stubborn and then it eventually passes. You are both Leos...you'll both need some time to cool down and call a truce. I'm a Scorpio...believe me, I know. I hope it works out for the best.

Anonymous said...

Hello MOA...

Just wanted to say first that I love you blog!!! Anywho, I was dating this guy for three months. We met online and hit it off on the first date. After that we began to see each other as much as our schedules allowed. I work night shift and I'm off on weekdays and he works first shift and is off on the weekends but we made it work. However, I was always sacraficing my off days to be with him in the evenings every week. I guess we were moving really fast. I met his family and he met my family. We told each other we loved each other everyday. We talked about a future together marriage, kids, and we were in the process of applying for a home loan together. We had our moments where we argued over simple things but we'd be right back talking after things calmed down. We talked everyday and txted 24/7. This was the first guy who I actually opened up to after 4 years. I did have some emotional set backs with losing a child and and breaking things off with my ex fiance after we were together for 5 years. So I was just shut down for a long time. But I got passed that and I opened up to him and let him in my heart. About a week ago we got into a petty arguement about how much he goes clubbing every weekend and he agreed to calm down. Since I sacrafice my only two off days to be with him I just thought it would be fair if I spent sometime with my friends on a day that we are usually together. I told him that I made other plans that night to go out with my girlfriends and he said ok and everything seemed fine. A few hours after that convo he txted me saying he thinks we should just be friends. He broke things off with me and we haven't heard from him since. Well I did lose it and I did send emotional txts asking him can we work things out and he just kept saying he doesn't know how he feels anymore. So I just backed off. It's day 2 of the NC rule for me and for us to go from 24/7 convos to 0 convos has left me confused and hurt. Not to mention my birthday is next week and Valentines Day and he hasn't contacted me or shown any concern about the damage he's caused...

I would love to hear your input on this situation please!!!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Well, to be honest, my gut is telling me "control" is an issue here. And maybe this is a blessing in disguise for you.

When a man acts like that, and takes action like that, simply due to the fact that you'd like a bit of time to yourself and a bit of independence from him - it's a red flag for "control" issues in him.

You doing that and requesting a day to yourself signaled to him that you're may not be easily controlled. As a result, I believe he began to feel insecure. I believe he began to think that you were pulling away and, as a result, he'd be losing some control over you here.

Because you see, things up until that point had been very convenient for him. You kinda wrapped your entire life and schedule around HIM. And I imagine that worked to his advantage and gave him lots of control over this situation. However, when you expressed a need for a bit of independence from him, he felt a lose of control and began to feel insecure and as a result, made a foolish move here --- to once again "control" the situation.

He likes to call the shots, sweetie. And that's not a good sign to be honest. And if he feels he is losing his grip on calling the shots, he's not above taking a cheap shot to gain that control back once again. And you coming to him and pleading for a reconciliation is giving him even MORE power over you and the situation. It's actually reinforcing his control.

So now, it's time for consequences:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

It's time to take back control and level the playing field here. So begin NC, which also means no response - for 30 days. No matter how much texting/calling, communicating on social media, he attempts to do - all he hears is silence.

Give him EXACTLY what he's asked here for - which is his freedom. You stick that to him like glue. If he wants his freedom, then that's exactly what he gets - his freedom - from you.

Let him feel what it's like to be without you, to not hear from you, to not be able to contact you whenever he wants to. Let him experience the very thing he's asking for and simply disappear on him.

Don't become insecure thinking that he'll forget about you or he'll move on, etc. Women have much more VALUE to the men in their lives than they realize. And you're about to find out just how valuable you are to him over the course of the next 30 days or so.

If he wants his freedom, then give him his freedom - and take yours back while you're at it.

And don't expect to see concern about any damage he's doing. That's something a woman does, not a man. So don't expect him to behave like a woman here, because he's not, he's a man. And men tend to run from things rather than deal and sort them out.

So let him run. And then see if he comes back to you. "When you love something, set it free. If it returns to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."

Be strong and wait him out. Give him plenty of time and space for him to realize that you mean something to him and that he misses you. And you do this by avoiding his first few attempts at contact. He needs to feel "an end" here to really go through the thought process necessary to realize you mean something to him.

So sit back and let all of that unfold over the next several weeks here.

@AnonWoman said...


To @Anonymous February 2, 2013 at 10:27 PM

What is his star sign, out of interest?

Anonymous said...

@MOA

Thank you soo much for that!!! This is exactly what my mother said. God maybe doing me a favor and removing him from mylife because he has someone better planned for me!!! He's a Sagittarius.

Anonymous said...

@Mirror please give me your advise!

My ex boyfriend moved in my city for a 5 month work project, after only 2 weeks we met. So we started living together immediately. I travelled with him across the ocean to meet his family at week 4 and they have welcomed immediately.

We had a huge fight at christmas when we were in different countries. I started the fight cause I am very jelous and have trust issues. We have had 4 similar fights before and every time I would say its over then beg him to forgive me. This time he didnt. He sent me a cold email saying that I destroy our relationship every time and he cant take it anymore. I tried desperately to contact him for 4 days after our breakup fight. He replied 3 days later with a text: hi, I didnt manage to call you back. I'm about to take off, wont have network for the next few days. Have a good holiday. Then he went alone on our holiday with his family.

I didnt reply, cried for 20 days, then invited him to my bestfriends bday party 1 week before it. He responded immediately that he would love to come. Suddenly all his family re-appeared in my life with I have missed you emails. When he got to the party he couldnt take his eyes off me. He stayed all night by my side and when he was at the bar his brother told me: why aren't you 2 together? He loves you.

2 days later we went for dinner, didnt mention our breakup and by the end of it we were calling each other with our old nicknames, holding hands and kissing sweetly. We spent the next 2 days behaving like a couple in front of family and friends but no sleepovers. So I asked him if the next day he could come sleep at mine and he asked me:why? I said I wanted to cuddle. He answered that it was not a good idea cause even if he loved and missed me we would never work as a couple. I got very emotional said if I had a chance I wouldnt fuck up again. He said: ah so now its your fault? Not anymore all mine? Lets finish this conversation another time as we are both drunk.

He had only 4 days before he left my city forever. He texted me only the last day to meet up that same day and I was so angry that I didnt reply until the next day when he was gone. He wrote that he was sorry we didnt mange to see each other. I answered too bad. And he texted back: well I hope to see you very soon!

He saw my bestfriend on his last day and told her that he wanted to know if I was ok as he was worried I wasnt picking his calls. But he never tried to call me!

Now he's gone and I miss him so much, but if he wanted to be together he would have spent his last 4 days together, instead of sending me only a text on his last day..... What should I do?

Thank you. Xx Clueless

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Clueless,
You should try, as best you can, to move on with your life. There is nothing you can do here to control the situation.

Try to pick the pieces back up and move on. It's the only choice you have. Keep moving forward.

Anonymous said...

Hello, I've been dealing with the "disappearing man" it's been 4 weeks of no contact and I made the mistake of contacting him.. I didn't know men have these type of phases. My question is why would he disappear after we spent such a wonderful time together and he told me he loved me. I haven't contacted him in about 2 weeks. What should I do if or when he decides to come back?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
The reasons for why this happens and the explanation of what to do upon a reappearance can be found here:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/06/disappearing-reappearing-man-what-to-do.html

Making yourself too available to a man tends to invite poor treatment from them :-(

Men like a challenge, they like to "win" things and they are competitive. When something is too easy or they feel pressured, they get bored and bolt.

Anna_S said...

@Mirror. I'd like to share a story from my glory days back when I was a 21-yr old hot little baller:

I had just moved downtown Chicago and was really enjoying my single life when I met this guy. He was probably the most beautiful thing I've seen to this day. We went out for a couple months and I really fell for him. Then, just when I began to fall and open up to him, he pulled a Houdini, disappearing act. Full blown disappeared from my life. I was so distraught. It sent me on an emotional roller coaster and spiritual journey. I honestly believe that situation shaped my whole entire being. I never realized how much effect one person can have on your life, even after being in it for only a couple months, until then. When he disappeared, I texted him once a week after not hearing from him, and then my ego was so shattered I never contacted him again. However, we were facebook friends and I began to full blown creep on him and stalk his profile several times a day. A whole summer went by (we stopped talking in June), and just then sometime in November I got the urge to message him on facebook and causally ask him about an accounting professor I had and how his exams are and suddenly we were talking, except I was doing all the FBchat initiation, but always kept it strictly business (school). I was so excited we were become friends again, when one night, I creeped to the "about me section" of facebook and saw he was "IN A RELATIONSHIP!" with the ugliest girl you all have ever seen. Needless to say I felt like hell had just dropped on my head. I was furious. I felt so deceived I went to him and screamed at him for having an ugly gf instead of giving me a chance. Then when he called me crazy and got offline I proceeded to type the craziest, most emotional email ever (I actually came across it the other day in my documents and it made me cringe and think how far I've come as a woman in the last 5 years). He got my email and responded with "this is all such garbage, makes no sense so I stopped reading after the 3rd line. You are as crazy as you are hot." (I think that was a compliment? lol) So anyway, after that I went on with my life. I went on a dating frenzy, but I was so hung up on him I started to get manipulative, and this is where Mirror's advice proves totally true: (continued)





Anna_S said...

This is where Mirror's advice proves totally true:

I stopped talking to him completely. I did not contact him at all, I blocked him from seeing my status updates or my pictures. I made everything ultra private. Up until that point my whole plan was "I'm gonna post obnoxious statuses and hot pictures of myself having fun with my friends, etc and make him miss me," but then I decided to switch up the game. I was so pissed at him I thought to myself "this moron has no standards, if he wants to be with that horrendous troll-looking gf, than let him, but he is not going to get to see my beautiful face anymore, and I just went cold turkey on him. ODDLY ENOUGH THEY BROKE UP IN DECEMBER (after like a month).

So this is where the story gets really good:
I got one of my super hot guy friends to be "in a relationship" with me on facebook just to make HIM jealous (now that's a friend) and we kept it up for about a month. AS SOON AS I BECAME SINGLE, literally the next morning, he e-mailed me on facebook and started chatting me up. It wasn't until he freaked out and saw that I had seemingly "moved on" that he noticed me! After that, he initiated all the contact. We went out several times, I got to know him better and decided we are NOT A GOOD FIT for each other. I had such high hopes in him and the fantasy of him that I had created over the time we were apart, that he could never live up to them in the real world. So ladies, take a lesson from my experience. All my girl friends thought that making a fake boyfriend was the most scandalous thing and would not work, they all tried to discourage me and thought it would do more damage, but I knew exactly how it would play out and wasn't even surprised to hear from him when I became "single" again. (continued)

Anna_S said...

So remember:
1.) No contact works. If you are thinking bout them, you will draw them back in. Contacting them is only 1% of what really matters (the 1% of what happens here, in this physical, material world). 99% of what is happening in our lives comes from the spiritual realm (thoughts, wishes, dreams). So calm down and give them the silent treatment (just don't wish for them to get hit by a bus, because your thoughts are far more powerful than your words).
2.)They all come back
3.)You probably won't even like them anymore once they do

I may be down now and really missing my current man-failure, but recalling this story really made me laugh and put my current situation into perspective and I hope it helps you girls on here too.

ConfusedGirl said...

How does the no contact apply if we have the same circle of friends? I haven't heard from in 4 weeks.. There was an event I was invited to and I decided not to go(not knowing he would be there) but my friend told me he was there.. What if this happens again? And I decide to attend an event and he's there

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Confused Girl,
You simply do your best to have a good time and avoid him. If communication is unavoidable, you keep it short and fluff him off. Ih he wants to talk...you refuse and tell him another time maybe.

Don't be mean, be firm and very matter of fact.

Alana said...

@Anna

Great story! Loved that he came back and initiated all the contact the 2nd time.

>If you are thinking bout them, you will draw them back in.

It's funny you say that - I've always wondered about that - yet I've always thought that it's the moment I STOP thinking about them/started moving on that they reappear - which leads me to think that it's exactly my thinking about them that repels them from reappearing. (The theory goes against the Law of Attraction, I know...)

-Alana

AnonWoman said...

@Anna_S

Great story. Absolutely brilliant and brilliant because:

- YOU followed your GUT (angel guide, spirit guide, instinct) on the right thing to do as YOU know this man - and took on board mixing it with Mirror's wisdom - and it WORKED
- YOU are now able to move on
- YOU would not have been able to move on, had you not got that second chance
- YOU have got your pride, dignity, power and self esteem back
- YOU can now move on with triumph and new beginnings.

Your comment about the 1% reality in the physical world and 99% reality in the spiritual world, sounds like you know Kabbalistic teachings, am I right? I have done Kabbalah, still am, and that's what they taught me.

Finally, your thoughts are so powerful 100% agree.

I went to a meeting yesterday for new business and I dreaded being late. So on the train I thought.... NO, I am going to be on time. I switched it around. I was five minutes early.

Then, as I went up five flights in the elevator, I suddenly had a feeling the Chief Executive was going to greet me at the elevator opening on the fifth floor. Random thought, given he is the CE so not normally the one to greet someone.

He was there waiting for me!!!! I nearly told him, I should have perhaps, but I thought it may freak him, but perhaps I could have said it casually and not OTT.

I thought right, this is a sign that this meeting is going to go well and I am going to win the business.

The meeting went VERY well, particularly compared to another meeting I had last week with two women. I hope to win his business.

Also about thoughts, on the day of mine and my ex's anniversary, I pretended most of the day were back together, visualised, felt huge love for him and that he was for me....the next day he is looking me up again online viewing my business profile. Now maybe he felt that love I was sending him through vibrations.

Now the test is, and time will tell, were his feelings strong just that day or a few days after, or are they changeable to not want to be with me, or were they powerful enough, for him to contact me again. We are on Week 9 of No Contact.

I am still trying to think positive in the 99% realm so that I get my second chance, like you Anna S, to take the power back and be the decision maker to see if HE is right for ME after all.

We should set up a virtual positive thinking prayer vibrations live group where we all meditate and pray for each other LOL

AnonWoman said...

@Alana and @Anna_S


>If you are thinking bout them, you will draw them back in.

Really @Anna_S? Have you more examples of this? I'd be interested to know for my own learning and development.

It's funny you say that - I've always wondered about that - yet I've always thought that it's the moment I STOP thinking about them/started moving on that they reappear - which leads me to think that it's exactly my thinking about them that repels them from reappearing. (The theory goes against the Law of Attraction, I know...)

Alana, but what kind of thoughts are you thinking of? Are they all 100% positive and love? Or tainted with fear? I'd be interested to know for my own learnings sake.

AnonWoman said...

@Alana and @Anna_s

I don't normally still pretend I am with him, it was just on the anniversary of us meeting I did it.... :)

Alana said...

@AnonWoman

>but what kind of thoughts are you thinking of? Are they all 100% positive and love? Or tainted with fear? I'd be interested to know for my own learnings sake.

LOL - this isn't about any one guy so it's hard to remember, but I'd say it'd range across the emotional spectrum depending on the timing - ranging from "I wish we were still together" to "I wonder why he did/didn't do xxx or yyy" to total acceptance/neutral thoughts eg a flash of a moment where the guy would just appear on my mind.

But like I said, it's usually when I stop thinking about them altogether - not even a memory flash - that that's when they pop up.

LionessQueen said...

Thanks ladies,
(This is Anna_s, I changed my screen name to be more anonymous haha)
I was only 21/22 then, had no idea about mirror or this blog. In hindsight I realize what I did was immature an dramatic (like come on fake boyfriend? Lol) but at that time I didn't care, I was gonna whatever to win the man and get my power back. Kind of the same situation I am in now, except this time I am sitting idle. As far as your thoughts go, ideally I would think about scenarios is you want to Dan yourself in with them again, but I know it is hard as we are often angry, then we don't care, then we are crying. All sorts I emotions going on in the process, but when you constantly have someone one your mind, you will draw them back into yor life. I do think sometimes it happens long after you forget about them or stop thinking about them. I always say that guys "have a chemical that goes off in their brain" the momen a girl stops thinking bout them, like "oh oh she's over me time to screw her life up again." I always apply that to the player types best. Also, now that I'm older and wiser, I look back and think how muh energy I wasted that fool. He was not worth it. You cannot control how a person feels about you, so I promised myself I wouldn't ever waste that kind of energy on someone, unless I knew they were really worth it. This stuff takes a toll on you. I was never the same again and I carry baggage from that situation around to this day and bring it into all my new relationships for sure. But yes, no contact and playing hard to get (not impossible to get) works.

LionessQueen said...

@AnonWoman,

Haven't you ever thought of a friend you haven't spoken to in a while and then you hear from them or you bump into each other somewhere? I also do this with my clients, like "oh haven't heard from so and so I bet they will new am appointment soon" and then I hear from them. It never fails. Honestly, there has never been a guy that didn't come back if I liked them and thought of them a lot. The ones I don't think of never reemerge. That's my experience with it.

AnonWoman said...

Hey LionessQueen,

That's interesting. What do you mean by the word Dan?

"I would think about scenarios is you want to Dan yourself in with them again, but I know it is hard as we are often angry, then we don't care, then we are crying."

Do you mean, you want to imagine situations that you and he could be in together?

Ah so a man you thought alot about, reappeared when you stopped thinking of them. Never during the thought process?

Well, for me, totally. I think of someone and they reappear when it comes to clients, friends and family. But no, not with an ex who dumped me. No, I think of him throughout the day when I am working but not all the time, all evening if I am alone and at times when I am out with others.

It's a bloody nightmare in my mind to be honest. Having a guy you love on your mind, who has ended it, and there is nothing you can do to bring him back. It's like a death. Getting over that. Harder in one sense as he is still alive but rejected our love, but better as he is not dead, so there may be a chance he will return. I've not really been in this boat before. Most ones that ended it or I ended it, I wasn't that fussed about as we never got on so that's why it ended. With him, he was bloody confused and also started to take me for granted towards the end and hurt me.

A lot of the pain is gone now, 95% of it. Boredom kicks in. Yes, I am vulnerable and afraid to start a new relationship whilst I still have the baggage from 'what he did to me' (I realise I also did it to myself though too, by not letting him go sooner and keeping in touch, which caused me more pain)....so anyways, yes, when I think of ex men, no they certainly do not reappear as quickly as a client or friend might. I mean the client or friend turns up within hours, if not a week at the latest.

Given I've had the ex on my mind constantly for nine weeks and heard just tumbleweed, well, it doesn't seem to work quite the same.

So question is, do I bother continuing to occasional reminisces and visualise nice new situations and re-visit heartfelt memories with him, or do I try to push out all thoughts completely, and then see if he clicks on and comes back???

I want my second chance like you had. And soon. Because this grieving is shitty. If it's necessary and he never comes back, cool. But I just have a funny feeling he will be doing. Because he might be missing the attention now. His feelings will have changed for me now I've cut contact, that's a fact. Maybe he will just think fondly of me and not remember as much of the crappy, emotionally mental ending, who knows.

Then another part of me wonders if I am deluding myself and given it's been nine weeks, he ain't never coming back. Seriously never had it this bad before, it's not a great position to be in but I am making the most of it working on myself, dating other men (gonna start this weekend with my second date in three weeks) but emotionally I am still darn tied to the ex.

So yes, what we allow our past relationships to do to us, can carry over, and that's the scary part.

AnonWoman said...

I also have to say, I am bit like a cracked record at the moment, but getting there slowly. I mean, I was in a right mess nine weeks ago....I've come on leaps and bounds emotionally, career wise and happiness wise....but when love is still full in your heart and you are preparing for a return of a man by how it might still work after lots of water under the bridge (who may never reappear), well, that's kinda, hmmmm.

I think what I will do is, IF he returns, just tell the story on here and get some really great advice to help protect myself next time.

Part of me thinks, IF it did happen, it would be best to just put the past in the past with him, rather than trying to explain it all and talk it through with him, as it's so complex and that would mean putting my heart on my sleeve and not being cool. Don't wanna do that the second time around if it happens!

I almost speak as IF it IS going to happen. I tell, it's just a very strong feeling I have.....and also, he is a bit changeable so....

Ugh, now I've bored myself silly banging on about him. Maybe I should finish it with, 'the dick/jackass', stop thinking about him....then it'll happen. Rather than fantasising about us two still with my head and heart in the clouds! It's annoying I am so frigging loyal to him. Ugh. Right I'm gonna go on loads of dates next week to take my mind off him and see if that works.

AnonWoman said...

I only think it might be sensible to call him a jackass in my head rather than idolise him or go over the bad parts again in my head, to make me feel stronger, that's all ;-) I might give that tactic a go.

LionessQueen said...

@AnonWoman

Sorry that was a type-o. I meant to say:
"I would think about scenarios as you want to see yourself in them, with them again, but I know it is hard as we are often angry, then we don't care, then we are crying." Stupid auto-correct. I am sending most of these from my iphone and not really reading over.

Alana said...

@LionnessQueen

> I always say that guys "have a chemical that goes off in their brain" the momen a girl stops thinking bout them, like "oh oh she's over me time to screw her life up again."

haha so true - I always say something similar too - that guys have their own 6th sense about whether you've moved on.

Alana said...

@AnonWoman

I know it's hard, because I was where you are 4-5 weeks ago, but you just gotta stop wondering/thinking/wishing/willing him to come back. As I said, I find that it's usually when I stop thinking about them that they come back. That's why I find Anna's comment about the chemical in their brains so funny - cos it's so true.

BUT I don't think you can ever count on them coming back. Imagine if you wait around hoping/thinking that he'd come back - and a year later, he still hasn't...?

Heartbreaks are always painful, but it sounds like you've come in leaps and bounds - and in time, you won't even wonder anymore because you won't CARE anymore... It just takes time. :)

Jgirl21 said...

Hi Ladies...

Just in case you're confused about the name change, I was previously "callmecrazy"...but got a better name:) Well, the guy I was talking about did end up apologizing for the booty call and the mean things that he said to me during the call. Nevertheless, I think he made it pretty clear that he never really had any feelings for me and that he is not looking for anything more than booty calls. It's tough since I thought that we had a connection in the beginning and just wanted the chance to get back to that place and try to build something real. But, according to him...and several sources on the internet, men cannot go back. Oh well...his loss I guess...because I do not believe that a person can't do something if they really want to. Case in point...and to confirm to all of you that men really do come back...another ex of mine who started out as something eight years ago, but then turned into an occasional friends with benefits situation...well, he has been contacting me and talking to me about the possibility of us trying a relationship. So...they do come back...and things can change. I don't know if I am even interested in a relationship with this guy at this point though. I still think about the more recent guy...but it is getting easier. It's just a shame that he won't even try to give things a chance. Oh well...It doesn't seem like he ever really cared anyway. I'm seeing that now.

AnonWoman said...

@Alana,

Hmmm yes I resonate some of the elements of what you have said.....I was thinking of giving him in my mind/heart till mid April and if he hasn't come back by then, totally moving on. Between now and mid April, dipping my toe in the water casually dating. I guess it's only 10 weeks away. In the meantime I will start filling my heart up with other men too.

LionessQueen said...

@AnonWoman,

Do not give yourself some deadline. What if he doesn't come back in 10 weeks? What will you do then? Give yourself another deadline? Stop living in what was and go on with your life. Accept that it's over. If he is to come back, this will not change anything. Take care of yourself now and enjoy your life without some deadline that may not pan out. Allow yourself to go through the healing process and get it out. Accept things for what they are now. Giving yourself a deadline may only leave you more hurt, upset, and disappointed than before. Seriously, that is a WASTE OF TIME. I wish you the best, and I hope you get what you want, but you need to think like a man right now. Just be selfish and worry about yourself only. Don't worry about that asshole. He will come to his senses or a better one will come along. Do not waste your precious time, life is too short. No man would do this and neither should you! When you are living in that state of waiting and anticipating, it's not good. Focus on the future. Meditate. Visualize yourself in a better place, with a good man, and everything you want. The thinking you are doing of him just getting over what has been done to you is enough energy put out into the universe to draw him back into your life if it was meant to be.

Alana said...

I completely agree with LionessQueen - it doesn't make sense to set some arbitrary deadline even if it's in your head. You can't spend your life waiting for him.

I know it's hard not to keep hoping, but that'll get easier as time passes and as the pain subsides more and more. Take all the time you need to grief, but we have to accept the situation as it is and move on...

EVEN IF he is to come back, do you really want to be in this exact place when he's back? You probably want to be the strong, happy, WHOLE person that you were when you met him - the person he fell in love with. So you need to get back to being that person again - whether it's for him or for the next guy - otherwise being in this incomplete state of mind will only deflect any guys who want to date you.

AnonWoman said...

@LionessQueen and @Alana,

Thanks, but I am moving on too during this deadline....just not 100% (this takes time anyway)...as I have two things going on:

1) Healing and remembering the ex, and enjoying life again by laughing and having fun times
2) Dating other guys - had two so far, more next week.

Rather than healing and giving myself space to THEN date. I thought I was doing it the quickest way. As I don't really need space anymore as I through the bad pain now. It's just the occassional sadness and longing, for like two days a week, I have.

I was thinking if he comes back, we start from scratch.

Let's see. We can but dream and some dreams do come true. Some lives do have magic in them.

To be honest all I want is a second chance with him, nothing more, to see how it goes just me and him totally this time with no one else on my side interfering as I believe that's what wrecked us two before...but I can't be sure that's definitley the case, so I just wanna second chance to see, 100%.

AnonWoman said...

Alana and LionessQueen,

I am stronger, happier and an even better version of myself now, then the night he met me.

Seriously, I feel, meeting him, he has fixed me and ironed out a few things. Either directly, or through meeting him I've gone onto search further e..g with this website to start with, LOL.

So yeah, I'm an upgrade now on the woman he met ;)

Alana said...

@AnonWoman

>To be honest all I want is a second chance with him, nothing more, to see how it goes just me and him totally this time with no one else on my side interfering as I believe that's what wrecked us two before...but I can't be sure that's definitley the case, so I just wanna second chance to see, 100%.


((((Hugs)))) Believe me, I know exactly how you feel - I'm the same way with my guy. It does go up and down for me too, but that's part of the healing progress - just like your body, the healing is never in a straight line.

Hopefully we'll both get our 2nd chances - but I guess whatever happens, happens in life...

(((Hugs)))

-Alana

Anonymous said...

I love your site!

Day 1 of the 30 days no contact rule started yesterday...

I feel as though this man is insecure with a younger beautiful woman OR he is dating someone else seriously.

His words are sweet as honey and his actions are sweeter. He is there for me financially without me asking. He gives gifts and we go on wonderful dates.

I want a committed relationship. He speaks of one with me and tells me I have a way with men that makes them weak. I believe this because most men confess the same.

I don't want to intimidate this man. I do want to relay the message I'm looking for exclusivity.

I called on tuesday and he text back friday.

30 days here we go!

I'd like to think he's dating someone else because a girl this pretty should not be left alone! IJS :-)

Anonymous said...

IJS

Good luck to you. I would do the same if I could turn back the clock.

I don't know why 30 days is the magic number...but I would stay away at least three weeks and see how he blows your phone up or not...

Maybe Mirror can enlighten why the magic number is circa 30?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Well, there's a certain psychology behind this. As discussed in this piece here, written by a man:

http://www.articlesbase.com/breakup-articles/he-will-beg-you-to-take-him-back-after-you-use-the-never-fail-way-to-make-your-ex-boyfriend-regret-leaving-you-5114543.html

In his piece, he suggests NEVER being the one to initiate the contact again. And I would agree with that, particularly if he flat out broke up with you.

However, I do feel that this tactic of 30 days of no contact, no response can and should be used when a man is starting to take you for granted or treat you poorly, in which case you disappear and hold off responding to his attempts for 30 days. If he's not attempting any contact at all, you can "tap" him at the 30 day mark with a simple "hello" but that's all I'd do. And then I'd retreat again after that and take my good old time responding when he responds to you, LOL.

As far as the 30 day timeline, it's funny. Because there really aren't statistics that I can find to back this up, however, it seems like 30 days is a magic mark for men - the amount of time it takes for "regret" and "longing" to set in with them.

A VERY high percentage of men return on or around the 30 day mark. I've had 3, possibly more, that I can immediately think of that returned ON the 30th day - that damn day - as if an alarm went off and suddenly they were like, "Oh, it's been a month, let me check in."

LOL, it's crazy.

So I guess the best possible explanation for the magic 30 day number here is - it appears that that's about how long it takes the male mind to go through the thought process and process of dealing with their emotions for "regret" and "longing" to actually set in.

But the real trick is absolutely NO CONTACT, as that man in the article I referenced above reiterates. And that means no response either.

Because let's face it, no one can miss you when they get to talk to you and find out what's going on in your life whenever they want.

LionessQueen said...

@mirror
(This is former Eastern European with anger problems)
I love how my situation is always outside the norm: there wa a huge fight, followed by silence on his part, which led me to feel ignored so I said some more nasty stuff just to rub it in, then he blocked me on Facebook (even though I had already deactivated my account to freak him out make him think I blocked him and I know for a fact we were friends immediately prior to me deactivating). So I cannot even clearly pinpoint who ended it with who, and with all the anger between the two of us, I am almost starting to feel like neither will ever budge. I feel like he is intimidated by me and too shy and proud to contact me. I am definitely too proud to contact him. After all the time that has passed (6) weeks and I look back at the pain I was in at first, I realize I never want to go back to that place. I got my hopes up that we would start talking after I accidentally wound up sending the email about the spam, and then he texted in response to the e-mail, but that was two weeks ago and I have not responded and he has done nothing. On top of that I was doing some stalking and I saw he commented "beautiful" on this girl's Facebook whom he met in South America, and it really irritated the hell out of me, not that I care if he had a fling down there since we were not exclusive it's not like he cheated on me, but it's the fact that he was like "you are the only girl I care about and there is no one else." He told me that he is invested in me, that he is looking for something serious, but doesn't want to rush into a long distance relationship because of how his relationships in the past have wound up due to his work. I was very sweet and patient for 3 months, just taking it slow and getting to know each other, which I was ok with BC I don't like to rush into relationships and I honestly felt there was no hurry because I felt that he feels strongly about me, I actually though he liked me more than I liked him, but I think he got too comfortable having me around, which is when I snapped, but i wasn't expecting him to go MIA and ignore me when I am bitching at him. He told me that he would never do anything to hurt me and I even expressed to him that I get a bit anxious at times, bc he is on the road and all and I hope that if he ever thought this is not going to work between us that he just be honest with me and not just stop talking, to which he said he would never just go MIA, that he is not that type of guy, and then look how he acts. I almost feel like he is doing it I hurt me and get revenge on me, because he knew it would bother me. I'm just so confused. I can't figure out if he thinks I'm done and ended it first, but then I get angry that he did not fight for me and just took the quiet route out. At times I am like "screw him, he deserved it and I never talking to him again," then I am thinking "maybe not apologizing for so long is ruining any chances left." It's so weird, it like I miss him, but I don't wanna talk to him BC I'm so angry at him. Then a part of me feels that he is thinking the same, but then part of me makes me feel like I got suckered by him and he was just having fun and took the easy way out when it or serious/complicated (as if long distance is not complicate enough). What do you think mirror? I don't even care if he comes back at this point. I just want to know wtf happened. Closure per say? I think after 3 months of non stop contact, after flying me across country to see him, after all the things said and promises made, I deserve an explanation. Is that too much to ask? It's not like a guy goes MIA after a month or a couple dates. It was 3 months!

LionessQueen said...

Continued:
He made New Years plans (an we all know how that turned out), he suggested we take a vacation together after I am done with my exams and he is done with the tour. It's like he made all these plans and died! I'm so pissed at him. I wanted to take a romantic vacation and have sex all day every day for a week! LOL! How do I make sense of all this? My brain is so sick of the constant hate him love him crap.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@LionessQueen,
"(This is former Eastern European with anger problems)"

I love how you're recognizing and accepting the anger issues in place. It's a good sign. . .angry eastern, LOL ;-)

"to which he said he would never just go MIA, that he is not that type of guy, and then look how he acts."

Unfortunately, when you tell a guy your deepest, darkest fears - some of them take that golden ticket and run with it. You kinda' told him EXACTLY what to do if he ever wanted to hurt you :-(

"I almost feel like he is doing it I hurt me and get revenge on me, because he knew it would bother me."

Exactly.

"What do you think mirror?"

I understand all of the complex thoughts and emotions you're having right now - but it all boils down to one thing. A man that is genuinely interested will seek you out. HE will come to YOU.

"It's not like a guy goes MIA after a month or a couple dates. It was 3 months!"

Which is why, if you just remain patient and relax and give this plenty of time - there's a very high likelihood that he'll return. You just have to be patient and get on with your life in the meantime.

"My brain is so sick of the constant hate him love him crap."

That's because you're dwelling on it too much, rehashing it too much and analyzing and thinking about it too much - instead of distracting yourself from it and consciously controlling your thoughts. Be careful with that sweetie. Because what we think of subconsciously all day, we draw and attract to ourselves - good and bad, negative and positive:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2009/10/law-of-attraction-vision-boards.html

Karma and the Law of Attraction cannot make a distinction between negative and positive. It simply gives you back what you are subconsciously thinking of.

So if you sit around all day and think, "I have so much debt. How am I going to pay all of this debt." They "keyword" to the universe there is "debt." The universe cannot recognize that "debt" is a negative thing. It's simply seeing you generate energy in radio waves that constantly signal "debt."

So what does it do?

It gives you debt. More debt. It sends "debt" right back to you. And the thought process creates a vicious cycle "debt, debt, debt" and you start thinking about it even more, "Where the hell is all this debt coming from? Why am I trapped in debt? Why are bills the only thing that arrives in the mail?"

So then the universe picks up those vibes and hears "debt" and "bills" and - it sends you even MORE of what you're thinking about. More debt, more bills.

Control those thoughts dear. And make sure that they're positive ones, not negative. Because what you think about and carry with you daily, is attracted right back to you:

http://youtu.be/_b1GKGWJbE8

That's the first 20 minutes of a documentary/movie about the concept.

Careful what you wish for dear ;-)

LionessQueen said...

Lol @ mirror.

I know all about the secret and laws of attraction and I study Kabbalah. Didn't you see me giving the ladies on here positive and logical advice all week??? Then I had another meltdown this morning and all went to sh*t lol.

So you saying I'm think about him all the time and attracting him or what did you mean by the "be careful with your thoughts?" in response to me sayin I'm sick of the constant "hate him love him"? I feel like by thinking about him all the time, no matter what I'm thinking (angry or happy thoughts) I'm gonna draw him back in because the thoughts center around him. Is my understanding wrong?

Mirror, how old are you if I may ask?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@LionessQueen,
Yes, I forgot you switched user names here and all of the comments and stories, I get mixed up from time to time. (I'm 41 dear.)

Well here's the thing, combining "love" thoughts with "hate" thoughts - generates more "love/hate" thoughts -- confusion, LOL.

So separate those thoughts and focus strictly on "love."

Additionally, this combo of "angry" and "happy" thoughts is generating more "angry/happy" thoughts --- again, confusion.

And I think that's why you have found yourself steeped in "confusion" here.

AnonWoman said...

@Mirror, @LionessQueen, @Alana,

You will be pleased to hear I had an absolutely lovely date tonight with a younger Taurus man. Complete gent and emotionally intelligent. Treated me amazingly. Drinks, getting me home safely, following up to ensure I was home safe, the lot :)

It's those kind of dates that help me move on.... I'm not sure if he is the One as he is a bit younger than me but hey it was a great evening and I'm glad to have experienced it and met him. we will go out again for sure.

AnonWoman said...

@Mirror and @LionessQueen

But won't LionessQueen's love and anger thoughts, bring him back, because she is concentrating on him, but as they are love and angry thoughts then he will be confused when he comes back?

2) Or will the confusion prevent him from coming back?

Oh no, that second question is crazy, no, the world isn't magic (much) or everyone would do it.

Mad question I know..but from reading both your comments that is what I had to ask.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonwoman,
No, the emotion behind the thoughts is very important...no negativity. The thoughts and feelings you feel during the process are not transferred onto others...they're attracted back to yourself, the one producing them.

Alana said...

@AnonWoman

That's great to hear - keep it up! No worries if he's not The One - it's just nice to have options as they will keep your mind focused on the abundance of the world. ;)

@MOA

Read the 30-day article and can't help think about Guy in relation to it... Seems like all these NC rules tie back to the guy "missing" the woman during this period.

My worry is that maybe Guy and I haven't established enough attachment for him to miss me during this period - like you said, we only dated 2 months in 2011 and only a few dates before Xmas so it might not have been enough for him to be in love with me or develop any attachment. And during this period, his being/reconciling with his ex might put me even further out of his mind so much so that he might forget me altogether even if things don't work out between them...? (If you recall, we texted me in over New Year to say he and the ex were going to "try again" and that's where we last left it.)

, I'm just finding it hard to keep faith... It's been over a month now. I know I need to keep moving on and date others, but it's hard not to think about him and the "what ifs" had we given it a chance (whether it was 2011 or now).

-Alana

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Alana,
No, no man is going to forget about you, LOL. And yes, missing someone is part of this process. But you don't necessarily have to have an attachment in order to miss someone.

You can be dating someone and they laugh, or say a particular phrase - that makes you think of someone else you dated, and makes you miss them. Or you can be dating someone and they argue with you constantly, and that makes you miss someone you dated previously that wasn't like that at all.

You can miss someone's smile, someone's laugh, someone's face, the way someone smells - you can miss a lot without deep "attachment" so-to-speak :-)

Anonymous said...

Word of wisdom ladies-

If you are in no contact with someone, delete their number. I pocket dialed of all people the man I was avoiding. How sad, right?

Alana said...

@MOA

Thanks for the words of wisdom and reassurance... It's nice to know that it can be the small gestures that make them miss you, not necessarily strong attachment.

>No, no man is going to forget about you, LOL.
Sorry to dwell on this, but how do you know/can you be so sure? I mean, I'm embarrassed to admit it but I forget some of the men I dated in the past... :\

Alana said...

@MOA

Another Q for you - a new suitor is currently traveling but still taking the time out to text me about the snow. BUT when I replied, he took another day to reply back (just more small talk).

It has only been one date before he went traveling so it's still early days, and he texted me right away that evening after dropping me off, and also again the next day...

So I feel like he's eager and that potentially he was just distracted by his travels (hence the 24 hour delay) - OR he could be less interested...

So what to do - send a brief flirty reply another 24/48 hours later or just ignore until he makes another communication attempt?

-Alana

Alana said...

PS Happy Snow Day, MOA (and everyone on the East Coast!)!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Alana,
"No, no man is going to forget about you, LOL."
Sorry to dwell on this, but how do you know/can you be so sure? I mean, I'm embarrassed to admit it but I forget some of the men I dated in the past."

Those are just your insecurities rearing their ugly head. You have a higher value than you think. Yea, sure, sometimes we temporarily forget about others, but it's not really forgetting them - it's just that sometimes, they get pushed to the back of your mind, because something or someone else comes along and takes precedence there.

And just because you don't think of them daily or only once every few months or so - doesn't mean you've forgotten them entirely.

And if you have, that tells you something. It tells you there was no spark. So if a man forgets about you entirely, he had no spark for you. In which case, it doesn't matter anyway. Who wants to date someone that you have to constantly remind them that you exist? That will never make you happy anyway. And if you're so insignificant to the man that he forgets entirely about you - who the hell wants a man like that in their life anyway, LOL?

"So what to do - send a brief flirty reply another 24/48 hours later or just ignore until he makes another communication attempt?"

If he didn't ask a question that demands a response, don't reply. Put him to the test in the early stages, before you develop any type of emotional attachment to him.

If women begin to operate like that from day one, making men "man up" and rise to the challenge, it's easier to sort through them and let the flakes go - without suffering any emotional side effects from it.

If you wait until a month or two in, or if you wait until after you've slept with him - then when it comes time to take a stance, it hurts more, because there's an attachment there.

Take your stance right up front, in the early days, and set the tone from day one. That way, if the man turns out to be a flake that only makes lame, half hearted attempts - you get to cut him loose without suffering so much as a blink of an eye from it ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi, I keep reading your post and I feel relief every time I read it. However, I would appreciate it if you could advise me on my issue. Story is I met this a guy a month ago he is much much older then I am, but that didnt seem to bother either one of us. Anyway, so I asked him out for coffee one day a week after we met and he met me and we seemed to have an okay time. We decided that we would try and get to know each other and see where it goes. In the mean while, he never contacts me and neither do since we kept running into each other once a week or so at weddings. After the wedding season was over I texted him and asked him if he wanted to meet up and he told me yes and he would get in touch with me soon, which he did two days later. I told him I was free two days and it was up to him which one of the days works for him. After not hearing from him, i sent him a text with a whats up and he stated he wanted to meet the next day. We went out and had a pretty good time. He called me that night we spoke a bit and then it was back to not hearing from him again. A week later we meet at another occasion where he keeps looking at me then he came up and said hello. Afterwards, I went onto to conversing with another guy and for once he came up and spoke to both of us for awhile, and all through that time we were at the place he kept looking which I am sure off. Anyway, another couple of weeks go nothing from his end. I finally text him something regarding work, he called me later that even so we could talk about the detail i required from him and then went on to asking me if I wanted to meet him in the following week. I replied sure, that was 2 weeks ago, I have yet to hear from him. I have not contacted him since. What am I do or think of this? should I let it go and move on? will he ever call? I do know that there is/might be someone else he is also seeing, as he stated.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb. 10, 10:57AM,
"I asked him out for coffee one day a week"

That is NOT the way to date, sweetie. Do not take the lead role and be the man. When women do that, they exhibit masculine, dominant energy. And men are not attracted to masculine energy. Additionally, the only way a woman can know if a man is truly interested, is if he pursues her. If you reverse the role and you pursue him, you'll be left confused.

This is how dating should take place:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/pay-for-a-date.html

"After the wedding season was over I texted him. . .asked him if he wanted to meet up"

Again, you're being the man here and taking the lead. Refrain from doing this or you're going to set yourself up here to be used. Because if a woman offers herself up to a man like that, he'll take her up on her offer - he'll sleep with her - and then disappear. Because he was only half interested in the first place and because you made it easy for him to use you - like a hit and run.

That's not the way to properly date.

"i sent him a text with a whats up"

You're really coming on strong here (masculine, dominant energy).

"it was back to not hearing from him again."

Because you're not letting him be the man and take the lead here. You're coming on strong and it's making him pull back. Again, men are not attracted to masculine energy (dominant), they are attracted to feminine energy (submissive).

"I finally text him something regarding work"

Again, you're taking the lead here and doing all of the work to keep this going.

"that was 2 weeks ago, I have yet to hear from him."

I believe that you came on too strong, took control, and it made him pull back.

"should I let it go and move on? will he ever call?"

I would cease initiating any contact and see if he comes to you. Because honestly, this man has not made ONE move to show you any genuine interest here. It was you keeping this moving along. And when that happens, it signals that it was YOU interested in HIM, and not the other way around :-(

Cease contacting him and trying to move this along and see if he returns. If he doesn't, he was only half interested, in which case, you need to let this go. Otherwise, you'll beat your head against the wall attempting to "convince" some man that you're a great girl.

And you shouldn't have to convince a man of that, he should feel that way about you himself. And if he doesn't, you simply have to let go :-(

Anonymous said...

Okay, Okay I agree fully! Wow, now i'm embarrassed!
My friends kept saying, hey is 2013 there is nothing wrong with initiating contact. I didn't feel right doing it! But I did it. UGH! Now I feel like I have messed everything up by doing so.. :(

Anonymous said...

Stop calling them! Don't do it ladies.We are letting them off the hook and making it too easy on them. If we polled the ladies on this forum, I bet 99% of the relationships you had with men is when he was blowing up your phone.

Virgo Pal..

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb. 10, 11:20AM,
I know your friends mean well, but even thought it's 2013 - men are men and women are still women.

It's okay for a woman to let a man know she's interested - but it's NOT okay for a woman to be a man.

In your career, that's acceptable. But in your personal life - you're still a woman ;-)

And I bet if you ask those friends how those relationships where they pursued turned out - I imagine they were relationships full of games and frustration that ended poorly.

"I didn't feel right doing it!"

And that's because - even though things have changed and it's 2013 - you're still a woman, and he's still a man ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb. 10, 11:20AM,
Stay tuned . . there's a piece about to be published here in the next day or so that speaks to this very concept - masculine versus feminine - "boys (immature)" versus "men (mature)."

And it's quite interesting - as it's written by a man ;-)

Alana said...

I see... Thanks for the detailed reply, MOA! You're an absolute godsend - I'm sure all the ladies here would agree. :)

Alana :)

LionessQueen said...

@mirror,

(Former Angry Eastern European here)

So we know not to chase guys, or "men." I have never been the type of girl to take a guy's number, call a guy, ask a guy out. None of that is in my nature. I like to be pursued and I don't ever initiate anything. So I know I'm not guilty of that.

So here is my question: What about my most recent situation, with this guy I'm not talking to right now, where everything was going so beautifully and peachy at the beginning, that I got so comfortable talking to him I lost track of who contacted who. It was so natural, and I mean obviously if I didn't hear from him for a few hours (like if he got busy at work and stopped responding to texts) I backed off and waited till he contacted me again, which usually was a good night text, after I was already asleep. He always texted me good night or good morning. I feel like I was mirroring his behavior. Or do you think I shouldn't hav always responded? He was the type to always respond and we talked literally all day every day (long-distance relationship dynamics). Do you think that we should ignore them? I mean I'm not really the type to not respond to any one promptly, I always have my iphone by me, it's like an addiction. I really am curious what the proper behavior is in that scenario. A guy is talking to you a lot, you are enjoying it. It's hard to stop especially when you really click with them. It just felt so NATURAL. Is that a good feeling or should I have still backed up? It really was so great in the beginning.

It wasn actually until I started backing up and wanting more space in order to make him "miss me" and want to "commit" himself to me sooner (since he was taking his sweet time) that our communications fell out of rhythm. Then towards the end, we didn't speak for a week before the huge fight because I sent a long, mean text bitching at him for not telling me he might have to work NYE. Then he texted me on Christamas to wish me merry Xmas and we started taking again, and then I brought up the fight from a week before, to which he didn't respond (because I guess he was out to eat with his parents and sister), so I started blowing up his phone like crazy, telling him that I'm mad at him, that I wanna fight now and that I bet he is ignoring me again. (The first week of getting ignored was a real bitch) and that's when the inevitable fight started that ended up in us not speaking for 6 weeks now. You know the rest of the story. (I just didn't like how I made all these valid arguments and he ignored me for a week and then wishes merry Christmas like everything is ok. You know it's like I was upset and he has no interest in resolving the conflict and doesn't feel he needs to explain himself to me. It just led to more anger, frustration and resentment on my part. Him not responding for that week between Christmas and when I sent the text was just so annoying). It's like he only wanted to talk to me I it was fun and easy conversation, but if it got difficult he was out.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@LionessQueen,
"Or do you think I shouldn't hav always responded?"

I think sometimes it's good to give them something to think about (YOU) - and to keep them guessing. Otherwise, making yourself too available to a man tends to invite poor treatment from them (they begin to take you for granted.)

"Do you think that we should ignore them?"

Not when things are going well, but it is a good thing to "disappear" for a few hours ;-)

"Is that a good feeling or should I have still backed up?"

Keep em' guessing - it stops them from becoming bored with the predictability.

"that our communications fell out of rhythm."

I believe your communication fell out of rhythm when there were a few angry outbursts and some pressure applied, LOL ;-)

"You know it's like I was upset and he has no interest in resolving the conflict and doesn't feel he needs to explain himself to me."

He was feeling a bit pressured and needed some space.

"It's like he only wanted to talk to me I it was fun and easy conversation, but if it got difficult he was out."

I don't think it was the difficulty that caused him to shut down, I think it was the pressure and anger and frustration he sensed in the communication.

And emotionally immature men simply cannot deal with that. Even mature men will pull away from it.

LionessQueen said...

Well he is 23. I'm 26 and supposedly "intimidating" according to him. His ex-gf is an ugly little 19-yr old bible thumper. In fact all hi ex gf's were horrendous looking and kinda lame. So I think this guy is not only immature, but also has some self esteem issues and goes for girls who do not challenge or intimidate him because its easy and a safe bet for him. I think my "intimidation" factor combined with my confrontational, demanding, personality and the fact that I am older and have expectations of how I shoul be treated, intimidated him, wouldn't you say mirror? I also think he does not want to do the work required to maintain a relationship, ESP a long distance one, which is much harder. I just don't get why tell me i'm the most amazing girl he ever met, or that he wants something serious, or make future plans with me if you do not plan to follow through or stick around. I directly asked him what he is looking for and told him that he can be honest, because if he just wants to have fun I need to know. I thought he was honest with me. Also, do you think him sayin he was "reluctant to jump into another relationship" is same as a guy saying "not looking for a relationship?" When he said that it raised a big red flag for me, but he said he does want something serious and that he wants to spend more time and get to know each other better, which is why is stuck around, but at the end, enough was enough. Nobody should live in the "gray area" for longer than 3 months, in my opinion. ESP when long distance is involved and you are wasting my time. What is your feeling there mirror? Do you think he might have been stringing me along? Or do you think he was genuine, because I go bak and forth between the two extremes in my head all the time.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@LionessQueen,
Only time will tell his interest level. Genuinely interested men will seek you out :-)

AnonWoman said...

@Mirror, @Alana, @LionessQueen

I was thinking today (Get the flags out ;-) ) and something hit me. It's all part of the process of letting go I guess Mirror, so do bear with me....as I know I am a huge contributor to the community of women and fan of your site.

So this is what hit me today. You know, it's Valentine's Day this Thursday.....well, last year two weeks before Valentine's Day, my ex (at the time he was a new boyfriend) phoned me securing a date with me because he wanted to see me that and also booked me in early to ensure the competition didn't book me he told me.

Well, given Valentine's Day is three days away, if he was still yearning for me....all the talk in the build up to Valentine's Day...would surely break him down and call me to get me back so no other man gets his paws on me. Or, is he seeing if I break down and call him/send him a card?

I dunno, after 10 weeks of No Contact, I can just conclude tonight, that he ain't coming back after 3-6 months....as surely all this romance and memories RIGHT now, would make a man realise. I mean, I know Mirror you said that men can take four months and cry into their beer on the fourth month telling their buddies they messed up....and that is so...but perhaps not when that period is over Valentine's Day I am thinking.

Don't you agree Mirror?

He is obviously not bothered this Valentine's Day about the thought of some other man getting his mitts on me.

I conclude therefore, my ex, just ain't into me and probably never will be again, in 'that' way.

I'm done with thinking he is coming back. If you ladies are right, he will get that message via the Universe that I am getting over and then come back.... (that bit is kinda a joke).

I think even if I think negative or positive thoughts about him, it won't make a difference whether he returns or not as I have no hold over him in my thoughts. The Law of Attraction is about sending positive thoughts out into the universe so they just come back to you, from any man....not your ex in particular, whatever you think about him it'll make no difference whether he returns or not to me. It's just important to be positive for yourself.

So I might just start letting go more, and really thinking and believing he is not coming back as it won't make a difference or hinder as to whether he will or not but it will help me. I mean, I already did three months of positive vibes out to him so that should be enough.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@AnonWoman,
I'm not sure that Valentine's Day is a deciding factor with men. Don't get me wrong, many men take advantage of that holiday. However, when you really talk to men and get right down to it about Valentine's Day with them - it's just another day to most men.

Yes, many will do what's right by their lady on that date, however, if it were up to men, I imagine they'd wipe that holiday right off the map, LOL.

Men view Valentine's Day as a holiday for women. But to many men, it's just another day that they'd just as soon do without.

So yes, in the early days of a budding relationship, Valentine's Day can pack a punch in some respects. But let's face it, after several years of knowing someone or being with them - men don't give it that much weight, LOL. Meaning, when you first met your husband, he made a big deal out of Valentine's Day. But after 5 years of marriage, he didn't make as big a deal out of it as he did when he first met you.

Now that's not standard to all men and women, it doesn't apply to all relationships. Some folks do value that holiday well into their time of knowing one another. But a lot of folks simply don't treat it the same as they did when they first met.

Yea, the holiday will make a man think of a woman I'm sure. But will it be a holiday that's exciting enough to him to actually compel him to take action? Not necessarily.

Therefore, you can't really use the holiday as a "make or break" factor.

Regardless of the holiday though, AnonWoman, the focus should be yourself. The positive thoughts should be for yourself, not to wish someone back into your life - but to wish "love" and "happiness" in general - into your life.

I think "letting go" and "acceptance" is healthy, it frees the mind. Focus on your health and well-being and yourself and you simply cannot go wrong :-)

AnonWoman said...

Mirror,

Thanks....yeah...although I still write about him on here now and again, it has decreased significantly from last December, which are all positive steps in the right direction! LOL :-D

I say last year he was my boyfriend..he had literally secured me as a girlfriend, the night before the day he asked me out for Valentine's Day....because the night he mentioned commitment, although, I don't recall answering yes....he just kissed me and that seemed to silently seal the exclusivity deal with us, I guess.. or perhaps not fully in his mind and him securing me for Valentine's Day did. So I guess, it was all part of winning me over game.

Who knows what he is feeling about Valentine's Day this year and whether it's me or some other girl. I ain't going there with my thoughts on the latter.

It's kinda annoying as I was OK with it but then my mate starts talking about V Day today about this guy and her (as he has not secured her for the evening, either)...and I'm giving counsel and then it made me realise my own situation and that sucked. I can see why some couples don't hang around divorcing couples as they are scared it rubs off on them too...it did me today. I must stop being reactive and control my thoughts more so I can still helps others with my advice.

Anonymous said...

Mirror. What if your ex blocks your number but still comes back after "No Contact"? My number is still block but he did came back

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Blocking numbers isn't what matters here. It's the distance and the lack of contact that matters. If he's made repeated attempts to contact you, then you can respond after he's made several attempts.

Don't jump on that first attempt though.

Alana said...

MOA,

>Therefore, you can't really use the holiday as a "make or break" factor.

So in the same vein, would you say that you wouldn't write off a guy you're casually dating even if he doesn't send you a happy VDay message?

I feel like a lot of girls are expecting at least THAT much.... But maybe even that is expecting too much. lol

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Alana,
No. If you're dating during the holiday, that's different. If you're not dating but waiting for the guy to come back on Valentine's Day, that's a bit much to expect.

But if you're dating a guy and he doesn't acknowledge it in some way or make some sort of small gesture towards it - then he's a caveman, LOL.

Because let's face it, lots of women are ready to rock and roll on that day if you get what I mean - and any man who passes up the opportunity to take advantage of that momentum on that day with the girl he's dating - is a complete fool, LOL ;-)

(That probably can't even form complete sentences . . Ugg, Ugg *caveman talk*)

Alana said...

Hmmm ok, thanks! Let's see what happens then...!

Anonymous said...

Your site has very good information and advice. It does makes sense and I have seen this exact thing happen time and again with my friends. The guy comes back, but usually disappears again. Very seldom is there a happy ending when someone is not interested the first time around. I am just curious though as to why most everyone wants to "get the guy back" after they disappear or stop texting you. If they are being this rude and inconsiderate to not care about how the silence hurts another person, why do you even want them back? Could there be more information on how to get over the rejection and hurt when someone puts you through this? I'm not sure if winning this person back is the right thing to pursue, or is the "no contact" a way to get over that person slowly in 30 days, when hopefully the hurt starts to fade? By then, you might feel like moving on?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Yes, no contact has several different uses, one of which is to get over a break up.

And only the person involved can make the ultimate decision about how to proceed. But most times, by the time they come back, lots of women are already over them and really don't want them back, LOL.

Works like a charm ;-)

Alana said...

@MOA,

>"So what to do - send a brief flirty reply another 24/48 hours later or just ignore until he makes another communication attempt?"

>If he didn't ask a question that demands a response, don't reply. Put him to the test in the early stages, before you develop any type of emotional attachment to him.

>If women begin to operate like that from day one, making men "man up" and rise to the challenge, it's easier to sort through them and let the flakes go - without suffering any emotional side effects from it.

If you wait until a month or two in, or if you wait until after you've slept with him - then when it comes time to take a stance, it hurts more, because there's an attachment there.

>Take your stance right up front, in the early days, and set the tone from day one. That way, if the man turns out to be a flake that only makes lame, half hearted attempts - you get to cut him loose without suffering so much as a blink of an eye from it ;-)

So this suitor came back from his travels, and texted to say that he came back early and to wish me a happy VDay. He said he has the man flu and asked me out next week.

I replied an hour later and said that it sounded great/said I was free on X or Y day... And no reply again - it's been 8 hours since.

WTH? What do I do again NOW? Do I just drop the conversation again when he finally replies? (Recall that this is the 2nd time he's taken so long to reply - the last time was just the past weekend when he was still traveling)

This is officially annoying...

-Alana

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Alana,
These aren't good signs my dear. He's fast turning into an unreliable flake here.

Don't do anything, sit tight and wait him out. Because his actions here are going to tell you a lot. If this is the way this guy operates, he's not a man you'd want to date.

He'd put you through this constantly and it's simply not worth it.

Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option.

Alana said...

@MOA

Thanks for that... So when he texts again re date details next week, should I reply or just ignore him?

-Alana

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Alana,
The ultimate decision is up to you here. But bear in mind, 3 strikes and you're out.

If it were me, and he took days to respond this this after doing it once already earlier - I wouldn't bother and I'd ignore him. I'm not going to permit him to string me along as he's doing here. He's dragging his feet on this and taking his good old time here as if this isn't all that important to him.

And as a result, that's exactly about how important it would become to me - barely important at all.

Honestly, I think he knows exactly what's going on here. I think he senses that you're setting boundaries here about how you expect to be treated and truthfully, I think he's seeking something "easy."

He's now getting a sense that he's going to have to work at this a bit - and he's flaking out because of it.

Which, to me, is a red flag. Me personally, I don't bother with these types of fools. He's playing a game here, testing you, and he wants to see if you're going to:

1) Blow up his phone
2) Hunt him down
3) Become insecure
4) Demand answers

Screw it. When a guy acts like that right up front and starts the game before anything even gets off the ground - big red flag - it signals he's a man that's on the hunt for an "easy" score - and a pushover of a woman.

Remain silent and if he drags his feet here again on a firm response - he's a flake and he's playing games - in which case you get to be the coach, "Strike! You're out!" ;-)

Alana said...

@MOA

Thanks for that...

He literally just messaged again - but I can't read it cos it's a Whatsapp message (he's been doing that rather than texts ever since he sent me photos from his travels)...

So it took him 9 hours to reply. Hmm - really dunno what to do...

-Alana

Anonymous said...

Hi,
I love this blog so far it seems awesome. My situation is that back in October I started a job as a waitress and that is where I met "him". He was my coworker, and literally from the time I interviewed up until when I left the job he seemed infatuated with me. I played it "good" the first month or so. He gave me his phone number(the first day of the job) and I wasn't interested so I didn't care. I never called or texted him. Whenever we were at work, he would flirt, compliment me, follow me around, help me, tell everyone how much he likes me, etc. On top of this he would ask why I hadn't called or texted him. Finally one day I decided to give him my number, and the next morning he texted and called me. I didn't answer his phone but responded briefly to his text. And that is how it was the entire first month... Him contacting me all the time, me not really responding. Him constantly trying to get me to go on a date with him, me not saying "yes". Him flirting with me and telling me how he felt, and me leading him on(sometimes acting flirty other times acting indifferent). Then a family emergency happened(a parent that I was living with passed away). It sort of caused me to become more emotional. When I first told him what happened he was very understanding. But then when I told him that I would be moving out of state within a month and that I was taking two weeks off of work, he stopped communicating as much. It then went from me contacting him a lot more than usual, and him contacting me every now and then, but still responding when I contacted him(every now and then). That went on the entire two weeks I was gone. Right before I came back , he started up constantly communicating with me. And when I came back, he was all over me(pretty much like he was before). This time, however, I was all over him as well. It was cool, he still heavily pursued me at work, and would call and text me at times--not as much as before, but he was still contacting me. But I was the main one sending text messages. I still remained somewhat indifferent at work though. But then things got weird. We agreed to go on a "date" before I left. But the first time we were supposed to do the date, he had a family emergency. Then his car broke down, and he had no transportation for a week while it was being fixed, so he didn't want to take me out until his car was fixed. Well after a week had passed and his car still was having "problems" I finally suggested that we just meet up somewhere after work one day (so I asked him) and he was like "okay" but then when we were about to get off that day he said he was too tired. Then it happened again ANOTHER time--we had planned to go out on our date one day after work, but he had worked a double that day(a 12 hour shift) and by the time we got off he admitted that he was too tired and that he had to "open" the restuarant the next morning(he did) so could we do it on a day where we didn't have work? Well after putting myself out there ONE more time. We finally when on a date. It went really good. Want to add that before this date, he had known that I had just gotten out of a 8 year relationship(about 4 months prior to meeting him) and wanted to take his time getting to know me as a friend(his words). So the date was pretty relaxed. However he seemed very nervous.

Anonymous said...

Post Cont. At work, he acts completely different--very outgoing, loud, silly, confident. But at the date he seemed nervous, not as confident, and really smitten with me(kept staring in my eyes or staring at me). Anyway after the date we shared a short kiss, and then he contacted me that night to make sure I got home. he told me that even though I am moving he still wants to talk and that he wants to come visit me once I move. He even sent me a text the following day that said "I hope things work out for us when you move" and I said "what lol?" and he was like "nevermind"... And at work he told me he felt like he was in HS again(after the date). and kept telling me how pretty I was and how he wanted to go on a date again before I left(I was leaving in a week). Now at this point I want to stop and let you know that I believe that I'm probably out of his league. I saw a few of his previous gfs and he isn't even that attractive. I'm very attractive and get hit on reguarly and several men at our job liked me(which he knew--he also knew I get hit on a lot). I've always been hit on a lot, and have never had a problem getting a man. I knew that I looked "better" than what he probably dated(and I've dated men that were far more attractive than him). So I started to feel stupid when that last week after we agreed to the second date(on my LAST day) of work and a few days before I was moving, he flaked out again because he was "tired". I was pissed and sent him a long message saying that maybe we shouldn't talk anymore that I feel like he's playing me and that I was sexually attracted to him, and really liked him but didn't feel like he felt the same since his actions weren't matching up with his words. I did tell him he hurt my feelings(I know big mistake). He responded and said he was sorry and that he does feel the same way about me, and that it wasn't about "sex" with him(which he did say early on--he wasn't interested in sex right away) but that he understands and that he feels the same way about me. he said he wants to be more than friends with me and that he would still like to see me before I move. He asked if I was doing anything the following day. I said I was busy and I didn't respond to his message about us being more than friends. I did however point out that what was the point of us talking if I was going to be in a different state.

Anonymous said...

Post Cont.
And he said he still wanted to talk anyway, and that he would visit me. The day taht I moved I tried to see him(it was last minute), but he told me he wasn't able to(he had something else he was doing at the time). I still felt rejected. but I moved and he continued to text me, and even called me when I had moved. We still texted and I'd say we both were intiating the texts and communication. This went on for a month. He kept saying "as soon as you get settled let me know so that I can come visit you ASAP". And then I made a mistake, I got drunk one night and talked dirty to him. And he thought it was funny. But then it turned me on, so I kept doing it. And he started to respond to it. I liked the banter and saw nothing wrong with it. I asked for a picture of his penis(I wanted to see how big it was) and he sent it. He didn't ask for anything in return, and still said that we didn't have to "rush" it(sex). Around time I was also testing him. I knew that there were women that worked with him that liked him and would often tell him "why don't you sleep with XYZ" or "I think you should date XYZ" and he would always respond confused(lol) and then say he just wants to date me. I would also do no contact every now and then(like not respond to him for a few days) or not text him for a while and see how long it would take for him to contact me. But then in mid Jan, he started back school(he had taken the previous semester off for a break) and the same week he started communication completely died. I asked him if he just wanted to stop talking and to be honest with me because if he did want to stop talking then I would be okay with it, and he said "no, never, I've just been busy". Then the next day he called me and texted. But then he fell off AGAIN. And this sort of pattern went on for another few weeks(where I call him on not communicating, tell him how I feel about him, tell him that maybe we should just call it off, then he gets scared and communciates temporarily and falls back off). Then recently(last week) I finally gave him an ultimatium--I told him how I felt and what I wanted from him and if he can't do it then I'm moving on and we just need to stop talking. And right away he called me, and he called me two days in a row, texted me regularly, etc. But then once again communication died off. The last time we talked was Saturday. And on Saturday the last thing I told him was all the "fun things" we could do once he is able to visit here, because I'm finally settled. I asked him if he come up soon and got no response. On Sunday I sent him a text asking how he was doing. No response. Now in the past I would "text" him, initiate things, call him on it--give him an ultimatium. But I have not yet... I'm wondering if your 30 day no contact rule applies in this situation?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Alana,
Well, if you're not going to walk away...wait 9 hours to respond...tomorrow will do, LOL. And only if his communication warranted a response. If not, no response.

I'm convinced at this point though that he's a player....and I imagine he's getting a kick outta' this right now. He's a gamer....and he's playing.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb. 14, 6:59PM,
I can't help but notice things took a real turn for the worse after you became sexually aggressive with him and took the lead (masculine energy). When you initiated sexting and asked for that pic, he didn't want that. (Notice he did not ask that of you.) I almost get the sense he felt shameful that it went there, so he really pulled back after that and I think he lost respect in the end.

You can attempt no contact to see if it draws him out again. If it doesn't work, I fear this ones over. Without respect, there's not much there (shallow foundation) and the walls crumble to the ground.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the response(I'm the one you just responded to). I told him over the past weekend that I deleted the picture of his "member" and felt guilty about even asking him for it, to which his response was "do you want me to send you another pic of it since you deleted the last one?" After I received the picture of his member, we still talked a few days after, but your right that communication dropped off tremendously(he also started school around that time). truthfully at times I did just want sex from him(without the complications of a relationship) and that probably turned him off. I'll go into No contact and just move on from him lol.

Alana said...

@MOA,

Thanks for the advice... His message was actually really sweet: "I think/hope I'm getting over the flue, but as far as I'm concerned the worst effect is that you can't exercise! Unfortunately I'm in XYZ this weekend otherwise it would've been perfect, and Tues is looking difficult as am meeting some old school friends. However, I can make any other day of the week - they're all reserved for you :)))) xx."

Then again: "PS I promise it'll be more romantic in person, albeit it's not hard to beat that low standard set earlier :)"

Seems really nice at the moment - but that slow communication is bothering me and he might be a player, like you said. So I'll observe and see if his actions match up to his words.

Thank you - you're amazing!

-Alana

LionessQueen said...

@mirror
Angry Eastern European here.

I noticed you posted this in one of your replies and this is interesting. I think i did this with the guy I have been posting about. Except the thing is, he never really avoided me until the last week. We talked non stop so he was never MIA or disappearing, comin back, etc. none of the back and forth and except once, the week before Christmas after I started the fight about NYE.

1) Blow up his phone (Once we started fighting and he refused to promptly respond to me I sent about 4 iPhone screenshots worth of insults his way...yes four! I kept sending crazy messages for about 8 hours, alternating between Facebook as well.
2) Hunt him down (what would you consider hunting down? Like stalking him and finding him somewhere? I couldn't do that because mine is unfortunately 4 hours away).
3) Become insecure (define this please? I don't think I ever became insecure, I just went straight into attack mode, even offending him in his Facebook while he was out with his female best friend from years back, who has a boyfriend, which resulted in him calling me paranoid, which pissed me off more because I don t think demanding respect is being paranoid.)
4) Demand answers (I did a lot of this towards the end. I started making him clarify every promise he failed on, ESP the New Year's Eve plans, everything he ever flaked on, I called it all out. When he didn't bother to respond, because he literally would just avoid any questions or point I raised (he didn't respond for a week an then wished me merry Christmas), i bitched that I made valid points and that they should be responded to immediately, to which he responded that the world does not revolve around me and that he had not had time to respond because they were in the midst of traveling between hotels (and then proceeded to ignore me for a week until Christmas). This of course never happened until I picked another fight, because I was not about to just forget it and let it go. He then gave me some answers that I think we're just him telling me what I want to hear, but none the less, because he never came for New Years I was livid and decide the thing was going nowhere and after the blowing up the phone for 8 hours and writing crazy shit on his Facebook and threatening to post his naked pics on FB an then finally deciding to deactivate my account to scare him I blocked him I came back on to find he blocked me and that was the end.

So according to you, was this the reaction you are taking about that men are trying to see us have? Because in my eyes I was being direct, logical, fair and expected honest, clear answers and it was him dodging the issues and my questions, etc that sent me into this spiral of rage. I even told him "I am waiting for you to tell me you don't give a fuck about me? I just want you to say it. Let me go already," to which he responded "I do care about you and I am not happy with how this whole thing IS going between us." (Meaning the inability to spend more time together, due to his work schedule and the NYE situation). But he never actually committed to me or told me he is not interested. What is your input on this mirror? I feel like every time I post here I reveal more details and clarify more in my head than the last time. It's all part of a process.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@LionessQueen,
"Hunt him down (what would you consider hunting down?"

Either going to physically find him or blowing up his phone in an attempt to locate him and get his attention.

"Become insecure (define this please?)"

All of that behavior IS insecure behavior. The definition of insecurity is:

1. Not sure or certain; the feeling of being doubtful.
2. Inadequately guarded or protected; the feeling of being unsafe.
3. Not firm or fixed; the feeling of being unsteady.
4. Lacking stability; troubled: an insecure relationship.
5. Lacking self-confidence; plagued by anxiety, worry and doubt.

So when a woman is full of anxiety, heightened emotions, is worried she's losing something (a man), is fearful of the outcome, is full of doubt, feels vulnerable and then takes action to begin to control the situation to make all of those things go away (the insecurity) - she is effectively letting her insecurities (worry, doubt, fear, emotional instability) steer the wheel.

"I just went straight into attack mode"

And it was your insecurities (fear, doubt, worry, anxiety, the feeling of being unstable) that caused you to do so.

"So according to you, was this the reaction you are taking about that men are trying to see us have?"

Many times, yes, men will play games to try to make the woman feel insecure (worried, doubtful, fearful) so that HE gains control (by completely setting you off balance emotionally).

"Because in my eyes I was being direct, logical, fair and expected honest, clear answers and it was him dodging the issues and my questions, etc that sent me into this spiral of rage."

Well, being direct, logical, fair and honest is communicated without emotion. So your intentions may have been good, but all of those things ultimately ended up being communicated in an insecure way (fear, doubt, worry, anxiety) via emotional communication.

Here's a piece that discusses insecurity in women, written by a man:

http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith_60/64_dating_advice.html

Anonymous said...

Mirror,
My boyfriend broke up with me and i called him 20 minutes after he left and he restricted my number how can the "no contact" rule apply to me?
-H

Anonymous said...

So...why 30 days? If things are going along smoothly, seeing one another once a week for a little over a month now. but I feel maybe I need to lean back and little...but for 30 days? nothing bad has happened to make me disappear that long..I just want him to think about me and maybe see where it is going.

Anonymous said...

It's so difficult to do when you've already developed feelings and you miss him so. How do I stop my ruminating and thinking of him so often? I'm a busy woman...but I tend to think of him a lot. I want to text. I want to call. I want to see him. Why does there have to be this game.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@H,
It will apply in that you cease any and all further attempts to contact him and when/if he contacts you, you do not respond for 30 days.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 19, 11:11 AM,
If you do not feel you've been disrespected in any way or that he's taking you for granted in severe ways, then you simply pull back. You make no attempts to initiate contact with him and when he contacts you, you don't make yourself readily available to him.

And to answer this question:

"So...why 30 days?"

Because that's approximately how long it takes a man to process his thoughts, emotions and feelings until he reaches a point in which he determines he actually DOES have feelings for the woman and he may have been taking her for granted.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 19, 1:07 PM,
It's not a game and I don't advocate playing games. It's about letting men be men (lead, exhibit masculine energy) and women being women (feminine, submissive).

Too many women nowadays are behaving as men (taking the lead role). That's like "man repellent" - men are not attracted to masculine energy (leading) they are attracted to feminine energy (submissive).

Women have a tendency to project their feelings, wishes and desires onto a man. "I want to text. I want to call. I want to see him." And then they assume the man feels the same way, "If I feel that way, he must feel the same and want the same things, too."

Not true.

There's a lot of "I, I, I" there - and no disrespect, but it's not all about you, you know what I mean, LOL? Meaning, that's how a WOMAN thinks, that's what a WOMAN wants and that's what a WOMAN needs.

It's not what men want. It's not what men need and it's not how men think.

Men need space. The way they deal with women and emotions is like this - they submerse themselves in you - then they come up for air - they submerse themselves in you - then they come up for air. Rinse and repeat.

Men NEED space. MEN need time. Men do not like to spend 24/7 with someone. Men do not like to be in constant, regular communication with someone.

Relationships take compromise, sweetie. If you want your needs fulfilled - you need to fulfill the mans needs as well and you need to pull back and let a man be the man in the relationship or you risk running him right outta' town. And one of a man's needs is that of space. It provides them the feeling of independence and freedom - the feeling of being a man. As does letting them pursue you. Men ENJOY the chase, they ENJOY the challenge. Women remove the fun of dating for men when they become the aggressor and take the lead. And the man eventually pulls back or leaves entirely.

Additionally, men are attracted to feminine energy (submissive) not masculine energy (leader). When a woman takes the lead in a relationship, she exhibits masculine energy. Men are not attracted to masculine energy and as a result, they tend to pull away from it.

For a better idea of the concept of the importance of the balance of masculine energy and feminine energy in a relationship, read this piece here, the portion titled "gentleman and tradition":

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/pay-for-a-date.html

Anonymous said...

So we have been seeing each other for about fourmonths now,I really like him but I don't know how he feels about me,I have made the mistake of expressing my feelings to him somewhat often lately but he refuses to tell me his.he randomly said he loves me and asked if I loved him,when I asked if he ment it he said its a bit sudden wouldn't that freak me out?he makes contact often but I have decieded to go no contact its been two days nd he has been calling and textin but I gnored it so far,this is not a game or a movie his words,help what do I do?asap

Anonymous said...

hello, I've been reading your articles and its really interesting. i just want to know why one of my male friends keep telling me to get a boyfriend and asking me too much questions on my r/ship life. Well he asked me who i liked and insisted that i must give him an answer and after a while i told him he was the one and his reply was why didn't you tell me since and i ignored him, after then he started visiting me often and calling always,he said that he likes me but he's not ready for a relationship,i never mentioned that i need a bf, and i noticed that whenever i want to talk to his friend he will always try to get my attention which isn't normal. so as time went on he tried making out with me but i refused to because i just feel he just wants my body.... unfortunately for me i fell for one of his tricks and we made out but i stopped immediately i realized myself, and after that he kept trying and i refused so he ignored my text and started behaving busy he also told me that i cant d without him that I'm just forming because i stopped picking his calls, so right now I'm not contacting him any more and he's doing the same....i just want to know if he like me or my body.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 20, 8:30 AM,
"help what do I do?"

Nothing dear. You're using no contact, LOL.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 20, 12:24 PM,
"i just want to know if he like me or my body"

I think you've answered your own question dear, LOL ;-)

LionessQueen said...

@mirror,

Crazy angry Eastern European here. I have an emergency! Remember when his email got hacked? Yeah well now MY EMAIL GOT HACKED! And HE got spammed and texted me yesterday saying "did your email get hacked or you really want me to go to www.blahblahblah.com???" I have not responded, but bear in mind he is the one who "severed all ties," and yet is so prompt to text me. Is he jumping at any opportunity he gets to talk to me or what? Help please. Guidance and step-by-step instructions are necessary. What do I do mirror I want to talk to him finally. I ignored him last time when I got spammed by him and he texted saying "thanks for the heads up" a month ago. I think the universe wants us to talk. Even miles apart the universe finds ways to make us "bump" into each other. Advice please :) lol

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@LionessQueen,
LOL, honey I can't walk you through this step by step. At some point, you need to take what you've learned and apply it into practice. If you'd like to respond, feel free to do so. Just be very conscious of how your communicating and be brief and non-emotional. Good luck ;-)

LionessQueen said...

@mirror,

Thanks for the response and I know you cannot walk me through step by step (that's just my sense of humor right there lol). Anyway. I was thinking of responding by saying "you are invited to call me if you would like to talk," because I feel like he is being very careful, and there is definite akwardness from what has happened in the past and I feel like we need to talk on the phone and hash things out like adults and I do not want to just fall into the casual, texting about nothing, trap. So I feel like this puts it all on him and let's him know what I expect. He's always been bad about calling and had lots of good excuses for it in the past, but in this situation casual texts will not suffice. I cannot just sweep why happened under the rug and apparently neither can he since he is not startin a conversation, but rather treading carefully. Don't you think tellin him to call me will be a good way to throw the ball back in his court? Also, I am not tryin to have a "talk" with him, but I want to have a real conversation and hear his voice and feel him out and definitely bring up what happened and gauge his reaction, etc. I don't want to fight or anything, so don't worry.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@LionessQueen,
Well like I said, you're free to do anything you like. However, one of the benefits of no contact is that the man thinks, misses the woman and longs for her to the point of being compelled to take action. And it is then that he may decide to contact her to repair the relationship.

However, that's not what's taking place here. He's not stating he misses you and that he needs to talk to you. And I think that if a question about an email account being hacked is responded to with an invitation to "talk" - it's going to set alarm bells off in his head for a couple of reasons:

1) He may fear the "talk"
2) He didn't ask for the talk and as a result, may not be ready for it and may pull back and be non-responsive to the invite

I feel that the proper use of no contact would be waiting for the man to initiate the conversation by admitting he's made mistakes, he's had time to think and he misses the woman. When he comes to the woman and says, "Please talk to me. I really miss you and I've done a lot of thinking. There are some things I need to tell you."

Communication initiated by the man in something along those lines signifies a man that's ready to talk.

So just some food for thought ;-)

LionessQueen said...

@mirror,

That would be ideal, but rarely happens in the real world. Most guys do show back up, but they do it casually. I really think what you are describing is awesome, but only happens in the movies. Like honestly, he is jumping at the stupid excuse to text me and talk to me, and he definitely doesn't have to. He's a shy guy, I don't think that the whole knight in shining armour thing should ever be expected from him. Actually, if he did say "I really miss you an want to talk," just bluntly like that I would assume he is a player, overconfident in how I feel about him, looking to screw me over. I would almost be weary of a guy who says that because I really think that kinda stuff only happens in the movies. I think the universe is subtly giving us an opportunity to talk. The hacker of my email wound up spamming lots 2 of my other ex boyfriends. I didn't get a text from them...they didn't jump at the opportunity to talk to me, he did. As lame as an excuse to text me, he took it.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@LionessQueen,
I understand what you're saying, however, to assume it only happens in the movies is the effect of modern day thinking and conduct of behavior in relationships.

Meaning, the reason many women do not experience this behavior from men these days is because many woman do not give it a chance to happen - do not give the man a chance to "man up."

Many modern day women are more interested in controlling the relationship and the man (instead of letting things happen naturally and at a slow pace) and as a result - the man is not provoked or compelled into behaving like a real man - the best version of himself - because there's no need - the woman tends to do much of the work and as a result, the man is never compelled to become the best version of himself.

I've seen what you refer to as only happening in the movies - actually happen in real life. I've experienced it first hand myself as well. One time, I even received a 7 page hand written letter where the man shared many, many thoughts and feelings with me after being compelled to via no contact. (He couldn't reach me, so he mailed me a letter instead, LOL.)

But nowadays, women tend to make many excuses for the man - and excuse him from actually being a man by doing so.

And one of the reasons for this is because many modern women - and this is where it gets a bit whacky, LOL - but many modern women are so used to dealing with sub-par men that they are suspicious of a true gentlemen when they encounter one. Exactly as you stated here:

"Actually, if he did say "I really miss you an want to talk," just bluntly like that I would assume he is a player, overconfident in how I feel about him, looking to screw me over. I would almost be weary of a guy who says that because I really think that kinda stuff only happens in the movies."

When modern day women actually experience a true gentlemen - they are suspicious of him and as a result, they NEVER experience the behavior of a true gentleman because they dismiss him as a player.

This dynamic has completely effed up modern women's thinking if you ask me, LOL . . . because modern women tend to be suspicious of a true gentlemen - yet let the snakes right in the door with no problem and grant him trust (that he's never even earned).

Modern women are so used to being the leader, taking control (exhibiting masculine energy) and making excuses for the man - that when a good man comes along - they don't even recognize him for what he is. The good man gets rejected and overlooked - and the sub-par men are trusted and let in the door. . .only to ultimately disappoint the woman.

It's a shame but I've seen this take place time and time again. It actually happened to me. I met a gentleman and I was suspicious of him, so I rejected him - twice. I was so used to dealing with sub-par men. . . that when a good man came along, I failed to recognize him as such.

I had never experienced the behavior of a gentlemen before and, as a result, did not know how to actually accept being treated properly by a man. And you know what happened? The universe sent me a string of sub-par men afterwards that made me realize. . .I actually passed over the gentlemen.

Never underestimate the power of a gentlemen dear - or a man in love. If you allow them to be the man they are - they WILL surprise you ;-)

Gemini 50 said...

@Lioness

It does happen. When Virgo contacted me again after several months, first thru work i-m, it was all business, and I responded the same.

Then his first text said, "Do you want to talk?

I responded, "I don't know what to say."

He replied, "Anything."

Give your guy the same message he sent you when you told him his phone was hacked, "Thanks."

That's putting the ball back in his court.

My advice is not to bring up the past. It's gone. If you do, he's just going to see that you will make him pay for any misgivings, forever and ever, and ever, and ever.... And he'll run for the hills to protect his life from that kind of hell.

But if you do start talking and getting together, then you take the action Ms. Mirror has shared to set standards for how you expect to be treated at the time it happens.

When women go off on men, they hear their mothers scolding them as children, or Charlie Brown's teacher in the cartoon.

Such a waste of time.

Do what Ms. Mirror says, change your behavior to speak with actions, not with words. If you need to scream about something, go out with your girlfriends.

About 20 years ago, a very dear gf taught me, "You can't take back what you say. You can apologize til the cows come home, but once it's out there, it's out there."

Good luck.

LionessQueen said...

So am I supposed to keep ignoring him or text him back causally, see where it goes and save the bitching for after the wedding day? I just know myself and unless we resolve the conflict eventually, it will eat at me and I will never trust him. I just wanna look him in the eye and have a frank conversation EVENTUALLY. Are you seriously implying that leaving conflicts unresolved is healthy for relationships? I'm not an idiot and obviously wouldn't lead with that at the start pf conversation, but it needs to be discussed. So, yes to a certain extent I will never forgive him (or anyone who hurt me) unless they apologize an give a good excuse for why they did what they did. I don't lie, I don't cheat, I don't hurt ppl, I don't waste people's time and I expect the same in return. I don't think that is too much to ask.

Anonymous said...

I just discover that this man I blocked some time ago on FB, (after a period of on and on dating and no Show! and he being ignorant to me)has been seeing this woman, and the other day a mutual friend of ours, came across something on his work page and told me to see what this woman has written on his page. To make the story short, this woman wrote all kind of insults to him speaking ill of his page and work and directly insulting him as a man. First, when I read these things I felt a little sad because I know him differently. Not like what this woman says there (even when I got kind of burned by him too) I never felt the need to insult him like that. While I was reading what this woman writes is very noticeable that she is very hurt. And she is letting it all out there for everyone to see. She insults him so badly, (it is now deleted) that I was ohh my Gosh LOL, at the same time I do not think anyone deserves that kind of verbal treatment.

Still I ask my self:
Does she feel happy/good/ about doing that?
What does she think that would do to him? if she loves him I mean?
Do it ever work to do something like that?
Well yes to be honest I wonder what would his reaction be? because she really puts all of her effort in making an ass out of him, by being one herself.LOL
So I thought to my self, even when I did block him to regret it afterwards, I am happy I never told him anything hurtful or vulgar, but a part of me can´t help wondering what if I had done something like that? Well I will never know...

So now that time has passed by, all we have is no contact, and even when I sometimes miss him a lot, I also feel more often now than before that I am better off without him.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@LionessQueen,
Look - I'm not here to change your mind. You're here asking MY opinion and I've given it - after that, do what you want with it.

And no, I'm not implying this:

"Are you seriously implying that leaving conflicts unresolved is healthy for relationships?"

I'm implying that you have that conversation when he's ready to have it as well - so that both individuals are ready for open, honest communication that leads to conflict resolution.

"So, yes to a certain extent I will never forgive him (or anyone who hurt me) unless they apologize an give a good excuse for why they did what they did."

I don't see him even asking for your forgiveness. And whether you like it or not, the reality is that no one is required to do anything for you.

Gemini 50 said...

@Lioness,
If your last comment was to Ms. Mirror, than ignore what I'm writing.

In the past I have not been able to prevent myself from giving up my "self" and my needs in relationships. I think that is what Ms. Mirror has been trying to teach; for women not to give up their womanhood and what they want because of a man's behavior.

If your last response was to my comment, then, I am sorry to be tough on you, but, yes, texting him back casually was my suggestion. Ms. Mirror has shared the impact of mirroring behavior. If you start chasing him now, you won't know his true interest.

No one, deserves to be bitched at. When the bitching starts, it is a clear sign that respect is no longer within the relationship, or if it is, it is on someone's terms. You can be mad at someone and still treat them with respect. Bitching is not respectful.

I am not suggesting you ignore whatever happened in the past. You keep it as a reference, and you certainly don't let it eat at you. If it happens again, you address it when it occurs. If he wants you in his life for more than a fix to his immediate need, he will initiate the discussion of what happened between you. He will want to explain his behavior to win you back. And hopefully you both can talk as adults, understand each other's needs and come to a resolution and plan for future infractions.

Ms. Mirror has preached for us women to stop devalueing our worth. You are the prize for him to win. Let him put the effort in to win you.

As in my case with Scorpio, he has shown me that he will not put in the effort to win me. Any amount of effort on my part would get me a booty call; we'd have a great night and he'd be gone again. A disappearing man is not what I want, so I have to control my behavior and not chase him.

Tonight I was talking w/Virgo on phone and he said > I've noticed something.

Me > What's that?

Virgo > I am the one who has to initiate the calls

Me > Hmm, why do you think that it is?

Virgo > Because I am the man.

We both laughed, and I asked > Are you ok with that?

Virgo > Yep.

Then, after a while, he started talking like a male cheuvenist, and it's not even worth repeating what he said -- but it was enough to make me rethink this whole visit thing w/us.. and whether I want to go "there" with him again. He started scaring the crap out of me that he is going to start acting like the axx he was in September.

Me > You know, you need to think about what and how you are saying things to me before you say them, because it is making me nervous.

Virgo> Yeah, I know. I hear you.

And that was the end of it. He got the message that I was not comfortable with his behavior without us having to get into a big old drama'd out discussion.

But, right now I feel like the deer in the woods with the hunter trying to bring her out... I am skittish as hell. So, I'm going to take care of my self and pull back a little and watch.

Virgo's going to have the opportunity to think about his comments by my not chasing him, not confronting him, and the space may provide him the understanding how I expect him to behave with me.

By my NC for so long w/him last yr, and not rushing back into the past when he reappeared, he knows full well that it is not only him deciding if he wants me, but also me deciding if I want him.

You are the prize Lioness.






Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror, I could use some advice..Well I did the no contact thing, mirroring him, he disappeared for a week and then reappeared. I ignored his text asking me where I had been all week, (when he never texted me either) then he texted again a week later saying he was at the gym, and I "missed out" cause I wasn't there to see him. (eyeroll) So I waited a day and texted him asking how his day was going and he went off on me saying his day was shitty and why have I been ignoring him, I told him I was busy and wasn't ignoring him, he's acting mad and I'm not sure how to respond? If at all.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Gemini50,
You know, this is going to go a bit off topic here, but I was reading your response and I just have to tell you - you've come a long way lady ;-)

I hear your strength now. In many of your recent comments, I hear a very powerful, calm strength. And you know, when strength is combined with silence - it actually screams at people, LOL. Meaning, that combo - strength and silence - it speaks volumes to folks.

It's akin to taking one look at an individual and instantly just knowing, without one word being said - that this is not someone to screw with. It's the kind of strength that men themselves exhibit and use to their advantage daily - which is why they COMPLETELY understand what silent strength means - and they respect it.

For instance, in my family, my father is a quiet man. He has a way of remaining on an even keel in any situation (he's an evolved Sag). But when my father speaks up - you better listen. It's like, "Uh oh." And he doesn't even have to say much to get his point across. His strength is just there - it just IS.

That's the concept I'm attempting to share here with women. I'm not insinuating that women roll over into a passive little ball. I'm simply suggesting the use of power in silence, and speaking clearly, briefly and in a non-emotional manner - precisely when men are ready to hear it (when they're open to it, so it sticks).

That's a strength that men can FEEL. They start to notice something is going on and they expect an emotional display. But when they don't get one, it's like, "Uh oh. Why is she so quiet?" And then when the woman comes out of the silence briefly and speaks clearly, logically and with valid points - to men - it then becomes, "Oh shit."

And then you disappear - and let it marinate, LOL.

And that's EXACTLY the concept you've grasped, Gemini50, and that you're now employing as a woman - and it's showing. I hear it in your voice, I hear the strength and the composure. Don't think for one minute that this isn't having an affect on this man. It most certainly is - which is precisely the reason he lashed out a bit after his latest realization "I am the one who has to initiate the calls. . . Because I am the man."

He KNOWS that's the way it's supposed to be - men instinctively KNOW this, ladies. Deep down inside - they know it to be true.

But much like children, if they can get away with NOT doing it, then that's what they'll do. So what you see here with Virgo is, he knows this, he's admitted that he's in agreement with it, he knows Gemini50 knows this, too - he knows she's right - and it's like swallowing a jagged little pill. It doesn't go down easy - you want to choke it up and spit it out instead.

Which is why he then turned and became ignorant. Only to once again relent to Gemini50's silent strength when she simply said "You know, you need to think about what and how you are saying things to me before you say them, because it is making me nervous."

To a man, that's a "Uh oh" moment, LOL.

Which then led to him admitting, once again, that he instinctively knows she's right, "Yeah, I know. I hear you."

Of course he knows, that was his reason for doing it, LOL ;-)

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Change isn't always welcome and changing yourself isn't easy. People tend to fight it in order to prevent it because change represents venturing off into the unknown - fear.

And you're doing exactly what needs to be done now that you're sensing this - "So, I'm going to take care of my self and pull back a little and watch. . .Virgo's going to have the opportunity to think about his comments."

Perfect. Be unavailable for a day.

Be ready to walk at any given moment. I'm not saying to walk away here, I'm simply saying be prepared to, if need be. Men sense that and truth be told, it piques their interest. They get like, "Hmm, why is she different? What is it about her that's different from other women? I can't figure her out. She's not falling all over me like other women. Why?"

And it's that type of thinking that makes men fall in love with you. When they find you so fascinating and so complex, yet so strong, strong enough to put them in their place when need be (yet in a seemingly gentle way - i.e. no emotional display) and strong enough to walk away, yet supportive and warm - all wrapped up into one.

Men LOVE to feel like that about a woman. To sort of look at her like, "What IS this creature that stands before me?"

That's the stuff that makes men tick. Hence the old saying, "keep em' on their toes." Keep em' guessing. One man I know actually referred to that dynamic in a woman as "intoxicating."

And Gemini50 - you're whipping up quite the love potion on Virgo right now, LOL ;-)

Slow and steady wins the race. Stay strong, communicate clearly and only when he's ready - and I think you two will stay on the right track here and get to experience a valuable journey.

Gemini 50 said...

@Ms. Mirror,

Thanks for your encouragement. It’s funny you mentioned the “calm.” I was thinking about that last night after my message to Lioness, specifically how all the “F, F, F’s” I initially vented when I first found your site are gone. And I realized it’s because, as I felt stronger with my life and the choices I am making in my personal life, the frustration of lack of control (and the F’s!!) just isn’t there.

I wish I could say I was confident in my future abilities with relationships, I’m not there yet. And I’m sharing all my ‘stuff’ to be honest and open and hopefully to help others see what could happen if they learn how men think/act (we are two different animals) and take control of their behavior as you subscribe.

I appreciate so much the comments of others, their questions, their struggles, and your responses. Sharing my experience and my trips and falls is my demonstration of gratitude and respect for all. Honestly, when I first found your site, I was lost and a total mess; I am so very thankful for you and all. And I have no idea how this - or my life - is going to turn out. ;)

You are right about Virgo’s behavior acting out after he acknowledged the expectation of men initiating the calls in the dating world. He started talking about the woman across the street from him who was out snow blowing and then shoveling. He said he should go “check her out.” He also said that he’d make me go out and shovel his driveway if we were together.

When I pushed back saying, that wasn’t going to happen, he said, “yes it would, because of the reward afterwards.”

I immediately realized (from your information here) his comment about the neighbor was to create insecurity in me. I responded in calm and matter-of-fact manner, “That talk is for your guy friends, not for me.” He got it.

I have no idea where the “I’d make you go out and shovel…” came from (because I know he would not do that – he may say it for sport (Virgo stab), but he is a man's-man and that just wouldn't happen), but the “rewards afterwards,” was interesting.

I wondered later, is that what he’s thinking I am doing? And could his behavior be subconscious reactions? His subconscious is “getting” that his manhood is being pushed (and doesn't like it) to greater expectations because of the reward (prize) that comes with it?

I don't know that answer, but it's an interesting question.

Cont...

Gemini 50 said...

Continued...

And here’s some frustration and my slip/trip to share with everyone: Soooooo…, although I said last night I was not going to contact Virgo (Didn't I sound so strong and "with it?" haha), guess what I did first thing this AM? Ugh!!! He had to go into work for 6 AM, so at 5:30 his time, and although I was telling myself I shouldn’t (underline, underline, underline that last bit), I gave into my silly emotional fear and insecurity and text him > Hi, hope you have a good day.

And guess what I got back. NOTHING! Hahahahaaa

I can feel the frustration of wanting to vent “F’s” here, because I gave up “me” based on his behavior last night. Last night, I addressed his comment about the neighbor, brought it right out in the open instead of stewing over it. But, bottom line, it did make me feel insecure, and I reacted to it this AM.

But don’t worry. I hope when you all read this, you shake your head and laugh WITH me. My value will not be measured by what Virgo does; I’m still learning how to take care of my “self” and Virgo has actually done me a favor by not responding… it’s a great lesson to recognize how I feel right now (Why hasn’t he texted back?? – Isn’t that exactly what Ms. Mirror says goes on with a guy when we use NC?)

And the space has given me the time to think, "Do I really want a man in my life who makes me feel like this?"

So, NC works, he’s all I’ve been thinking about this morning… but that’s going to change after I hit “publish” with this message. I'm going to enjoy my breakfast reading more of your life stories, and get ready for our next storm coming today in the Northeast. HUGS to all!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Gemini50,
No worries, it's not hard to see what happened here and you've already figured it out yourself - it's "the game." When men tinker with a woman's emotions, hoping to bring her insecurities to the surface - so that they gain the upper hand and hold the power:

"it did make me feel insecure, and I reacted to it this AM."

As a result, you gave up no contact here and instead - you pursued (let fear and insecurity steer the wheel):

"I gave into my silly emotional fear and insecurity and text him"

And the end result was this:

"And guess what I got back. NOTHING! Hahahahaaa"

Don't pursue - it gives away your power - it gives a man power OVER YOU. So right now, he knows EXACTLY what he's done here. Last night, he planted a tiny seed about another woman hoping to garner a reaction and the upper hand back.

It didn't have an immediate effect, but it did end up resulting in having an effect. So this morning, you reversed the roles and contacted him - giving him the reaction he was expecting.

And now that he knows he has you there - he's going to play with this power a bit.

So expect it. Expect a power play here. Remain strong - and mirror his behavior. However long it takes him to respond to that early morning text today - you take the same amount of time, add one or two hours to it - and he doesn't hear from you until then.

Now that he's playing the power card here, you've got to pull back even further - to draw him out even more ;-)

Gemini 50 said...

Thanks Ms. Mirror,

Funny how this back and forth is going... You can read how I'm pulling back this AM, putting myself first, and just when I'm comfortable with it, Virgo texts me at 10:15 > Still here (I'm sure he means he's still at work, but if you look at the workings of the universe, it cold mean more)

Me > No response.

He just called my cell and left a voicemail (this is so freaking funny!) > I'm the man and I'm calling the woman, but the woman has to have her phone on so the man can be the man. I'm just leaving work. bye.

How funny is that? UGH!

I think he's getting it. Do I still use NC for equal amount of time?

I have to go get my mom in a 1/2 hr for a couple hours before the storm hits. I'm thinking I can text him with > Getting mom for a couple hours before storm

And that's it.

Ok Ms. Mirror and everyone, chime in!!

p.s. He just called the home phone - no message. Getting mother is a great excuse for NC... I won't use my cell in car and he knows that.



Gemini 50 said...

No fret.... A few minutes breathing, and my head is back.

I will not contact Virgo until matching the time he waited to respond to me and then some. Why? Because I DON'T HAVE TO.

That's the mistake I make. I think I am "supposed" to respond to a text because it's respectful and normal behavior.

But, if I do immediately, it doesn't give him the opportunity to wonder why I haven't.

Ms. Mirror, you are good! Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Hello MOA!

First I want to say I love your site and the advice you give!! :)

So here it goes..I have done the no contact with a guy that disappeared on me about 2 months ago. Two weeks after his disappearing act, I found out he started dating someone else. Anywhoo,he shows up at my job (after 2 months of not speaking to him)to apologize how he treated me and that it was his fault and he still cares about me..yada yada yada!

He explained he really liked me when we were dating and it was just that him and the other girl had more in common (probably the sex was the commonality..lol). He said he felt bad and didn't want it to be awkward when we run into each other. I told him he was just feeling guilty and that's why he waited 2 months later to say something.

I told him I had no hard feelings and that he obviously has moved on and so have I. He stated he would like to be friends or acquaintances. He was even open to hanging out which I thought was weird if he has a girlfriend and sports occupying his time. I don't know what got into me, but I gave him my new number and told him I don't have his number so he contact me because I wasn't going out my way to contact him first. After he left my job, he texted me within minutes with his new number. I haven't responded yet and that has been 3 hours ago.

I guess my question is why does he even care if I hate him or not if he has moved on to someone else? I feel like he may be trying to use me as a plan B if him and his girl don't work out. Do you agree? Also, was it wrong for me to give him my new number?

-crazydrama

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@CrazyDrama,
"I feel like he may be trying to use me as a plan B if him and his girl don't work out. Do you agree?"

Yep, you got it. And it appears there may be fractures developing in his current relationship and, as a result, he's setting up his next move here - which is you.

He appears to be what I call a "transitioner." This is an individual, male or female, that fears being alone. As a result, they never are. When things start to go bad in one relationship, they begin building another - while still maintaining their current relationship as long as they can - or at least until the "new" one is ready to go, ready to jump into.

That way, the person transitions from one relationship to the next, and the next, and the next. It's a pattern and many times, it becomes a lifestyle.

So I think his current relationship is falling apart and he's attempting to develop a new one with you, so that when his current one DOES fall apart - he can easily jump or transition from this one - to a new one with you.

And many times, exactly how the relationship begins - is how it also ends. Meaning, when fractures begin to develop in his relationship with you - you can expect him to "transition" away from it with another someday.

Because most times, folks who do this, their patterns never change - because it's their fear that drives them. Fear of being alone. And that never changes until the individual stops running, and deals with life and the problems that come along with it.

It's escapist behavior in psychology - escaping one bad situation by running headlong into another and never dealing with the pain or fallout. Technically it's termed "escapism." And the definition of escapism is:

"...is mental diversion by means of entertainment or recreation, as an "escape" from the perceived unpleasant or banal aspects of daily life. It can also be used as a term to define the actions people take to help relieve persisting feelings of depression or general sadness."

"Also, was it wrong for me to give him my new number?"

I don't I would've done it (he already disappeared once before, so why give him a chance to do it again, ya' know?) But it's harmless enough if you know what you're dealing with I suppose and don't walk head first into a new situation with him.

And I wouldn't bother responding to that text if all he did was provide a number. That's an information text and it doesn't really demand a response. It's not a question that he's asked that garners a response, ya' know?

I'd ignore it, see him for what he is (insecure and fearful) and I'd move on with my life. Trust your female instincts and your intuition because it's speaking to you right now - and it's right ;-)

Anonymous said...

@MOA from crazydrama,

OMG, you're feedback is so accurate. You explained his demeanor to a tee! He is insecure and fearful.

That night, I received multiple texts from him saying it was good seeing me and asking what I was doing. I was thinking, shouldn't he be asking his girl what she is doing and not me. I replied like an hour later saying I was going out. (I don't know why I even replied back. I guess I just wanted him to know my world doesn't evolve around him.)

Now I can see exactly what he did to me when we were dating, he is doing or going to do with his girl now. He probably is going to disappear on her too. Your feedback makes since how he is slowly transitioning away from her, back to me.

Now I know I need to be MIA from this dude. I'm not going to give him an opportunity to play me.

-crazydrama

Anonymous said...

@ MOA and all sisters out there,
I just wanted to share with you the very effective manner in which I have been dealing with my heartache since my divorce last year. I went through all the stages of disbelief, disappointment, frustration, sadness, grief, like everyone else, I guess. And then one day I decided that instead of getting the love I need from one person I was going to go out and collect it in small little bits from everyone that I meet. These days I thank the bus driver when I exit the bus, say hello, smile at the shop keeper on the corner, chat with the girl in the supermarket, look up at the sky, admire the world around me. I have turned on the light inside of me for everyone to see. I cannot express how much happiness that decision has brought me, and how fluent I have become in switching 'on' even when things are not going well. People respond absolutely in kind - and for the first time in my life I feel genuinely connected to the world around me, I feel part of the human 'fabric' that holds us all together, and I derive strength from it. My loneliness has ended, and I feel completely 'in place'. Interestingly enough it has also brought me a much more self-confident approach to men and dating. I don't care if he calls or not, or whether he will end up being my prince charming - because I walk around the park, go shopping, meet my friends, and 'collect' all the love I need in small doses throughout the day, like marbles. So to everyone who feels sad or alone: turn your internal light on and interact with the world around you and start giving and receiving through the connection that we all are part of. Don't isolate yourself, you can't do it alone and you certainly don't have to. Open up your heart and start collecting small beautiful experiences during the day, put them in your pocket like marbles and empty your pockets when you come home. It made all the difference in the world to me.

chk61 said...

@Mirror:

So glad I found your site. A man I dated 5 times over 7 weeks (he was out of town during that time - and has 50% custody of his young children) disappeared after our last fun, fabulous date. On our last date he was romantic, flirty, holding my hand, kissing it gently, gently touching my knee, offering to go get the car to pick me up at the venue as it was cold out, etc. Last date (on a Thursday night) ended with some intense passionate stuff (not sex, but everything else) and us laying together in my bed. He did, however, on this date, drop the hint he had plans to "hang out with a friend" that Friday, and another friend that Saturday. Clearly he was letting me know he was dating others.

He emailed the morning after our last date, and that Sunday (after his plans with someone else!). He announced his plans for the week and without going into personal detail about him, it was clear he would be unavailable. He did not suggest a future date but it seemed to me I would definitely see him again. Against my better judgement, I decided to email him a week later to check in. He responded right away but he disappeared in the middle of an email conversation. Stupidly, a week later I emailed again, and he replied quickly. I replied the next day and he did NOT reply. Poof!

That was 2 weeks ago. He *really* seemed into me, I'm a little bit older (5.5 years) so that could be a factor. Frankly I am a bit floored by his disappearance as we had some pretty intense chemistry (we really hit it off) but I realize that men disappearing after a great date is a very common occurrence based on the many stories I've read about disappearing acts. At this point I am absolutely COMMITTED to NOT contacting him again. If I never hear from him again, I have my answer.

If he DOES reappear I plan to wait a full WEEK before responding. I mean, he went AWOL on me in a rather rude way so why reward bad behavior? N.B. he is a bit of a bad boy, which I hate to admit I found very attractive and fun, and I don't usually like cocky jock types but this guy was extremely charming to boot.

But you are right. Disappearing does create intense attraction. I think about him nonstop, and yes, I have to WORK!

He is definitely a competitive guy and displayed some territorial behavior (jealousy!) on our 4th date when I ran into a cute guy I knew (platonic friend) - very interesting. But as Mirror pointed out, when we pursue THEM, they realize there is no immediate competition, no other men winning us over or vying for our attention, so they think "meh" and our perceived VALUE does way down. We have to let them at least THINK that there are other men beating our doors down (and honestly, I do have other men interested in me but I am not attracted to them...)


I have a date with someone new tonight. Not that excited about it but I am making myself get back on the horse. I wish I had just disappeared after the last time he emailed me after our last date. Yet I did not but it's OK, I WILL NOT CONTACT THIS MAN. I WILL NOT PURSUE. No Contact all the way. He knows where to find me. He knows I exist and HE CHOSE to disappear. Fine. I was perfectly fine before I met this man, and I'll be fine if I never see him again. HIS LOSS.

Indeed, I agree with Mirror that dating these days is like being in a minefield. It's a wonder anyone gets together and has a reasonably successful relationship! I want a loving, intimate relationship in my life (I am 51 years old) and I am going to get it. No more settling for and pursuing men who don't realize how amazing I am.

GAME ON! Thanks Mirror!

Anonymous said...

Open for any perspective on this one...I am a 46 year attractive professional woman who recently starting hanging out with my son's high school basketball coach who is 32. Before jumping to judgement, let me explain. We are both single and before hanging out we were friends and talked alot about the consequences of this type of situation. To date, we have been hanging out together every 1-2 weeks since November. We are both open with each other that we may date other people, but for obvious reasons we do not do anything in public because we do not (at this point in time) want my son to know. At a later date, if we both feel we would be open to a relationship, we would be upfront with my son about it. This man has not been married and is very straightforward about being afraid to get into another relationship and end up hurt. He has had serious relationships in the past, but needs to take a break right now emotionally. So here is what I am presented with...our communication has all been honest and real. Our physical connection is very good (yes, we have had sex), but for all the reasons I mnetioned before, we are not ready to pursue this to the next level. Yet, we still maintain contact via text mostly. When we are together, he always uses "what if" scenerios if I was his girlfriend and he is honest in telling me he cares about me and realy likes me. But every encounter we have had, the day after we have sex (for about 2 days) he doesn't initate any contact with me. He will answer my texts, but he will not initiate anything with me for a few days. I'm not sure how to handle it. I really enjoy him, but also havent made up my mind if its a scenerio that could work, so I'm enjoying his compnay when I get the chance, but when he goes silent for a few days, I still to worry myself...

Anonymous said...

Ok, so I haven't spoke to this guy since Christmas, long story short....After 2 months of no contact, my friend persuaded me to contact him. Of course I was dumb and I did it. He didn't respond, so I've sent him an email. I was calmed down, I just sent him the facts and that was all, nothing pathetic. How things are between us and that i like him, but that there is no point of staying in contact, since he just dissapeared on me, blah blah blah. I directly asked him how come he can claim he has feelings for me and treat me like a godess at some point, and on the other hand like one meaningless night stand?I told him he wasn't fair for doing this and that there was no point and that men don't need to tell women farytales after having sex. No point of it unless you want to take it to the next level, right?

No response. This weekend I was out with my friends, since I can not handle someone to ignore me, I've sent him my last email. Can't remember what exactly, anyway I was emotional. I said how its fine that he is ignoring me and so on, that I'm sad, but that I'll be okay and so on. Btw its a long distance thing, so I was a bit pathetic (i let myself go, lool its not like this guy is living in my city), but with dignity with my last email.

Guess what? He responded to me today. He sent me hey love I didnt get your email, send it to me.
I am shocked because I am 100% sure this guy blocked me on MSN the day I've sent him 1st email after he read it. Because he just vanished, he was offline the whole week and he is always there.

I am writing this because I don't know what should I do? Why is he doing this? Call me naive but I am seriously rethinking now that he might actually like me since he did respond, but why does he lied of not reading my 1st email? I know my 2nd email was emotional and sensitive, but...
MEN confuse me what am I suposed to do now?

Anonymous said...

P.S. I mean why is this guy lying to me? I know he read it, I also texted him when I've sent him my 1st email, he seen it, he blocked me obviously, now he is acting stupid?
As I said above I'm really naive right now because this whole thing doesn't make any logical sense. He vanishes for 2 months and now...Now he comes back out of no where.
My friend told me that he is into me and that he really likes me, but that he probably misunderstands my behaviour, that he doesn't know me at all and that he probably thinks I'm some kind of a bimbo who sleeps around with men (he asked me that directly when we meet for 4th time) LOL I was shocked. And she says that now a few months later with NC, when I sent him my emotional email, that he realised I really like him. She said he is insecure guy.
I personaly don't belive in this theory, but I am confused. As I said its a long distance thing, he doesnt owe me anything, especially to reappear in my life.
I mean WTF? He ignored my valentines text, that was harsh, but its was a clear sign it was over and now....

Violet said...

Hi Ladies:

I’m learning so much from all of you. Thanks for posting your stories. I’m Violet.

My story is that I’m love with a friend I’ve been casually dating. He says he loves me and doesn’t want to lose what we have but he’s not ready for a relationship yet (past hurts and he’s been out of work). I believe that but I also suspect since he’s single he’s talking/maybe seeing other women too. So my huge mistake was in letting him know I was caught before he had worked for me and keeping him as my only option and thinking relationship when he was just at friendship. Doggone it. Thank goodness I wasn’t sleeping with him. So I didn’t beg, plead, cry, I said I guess when you’re open to a relationship it will happen for you. I didn’t call or text but of course I was going nuts in my mind. Listen to Kelly Clarkson’s song, Addicted, and you’ll know what I mean. “It’s like I can't breathe. It's like I can't see anything.
Nothing but you I'm addicted to you.” You get the picture.

Reading the blogs I see that I have to detox myself and move on with my dating life. And although I do want to maintain a friendship to leave the door open for a possible relationship if he really “doesn’t want to lose me” I know I cannot be the puppy dog waiting by the door for him to toss me a bone. I am the prize here – I have to act like it. I rarely initiated calling him anyway but I would return his calls right away; but since he had started to call less and disappear and focus most of the conversation on a business project we’re both involved in I started a combination of NC and mirroring. I was taking a lead role in the project so I have even pulled that back a bit. If he called; I waited a day or two to call back. I don’t like texting so I rarely respond to texts. He started to ask me what’s wrong? I said nothing just busy. So the last mirroring round was we had a business meeting five days ago and we hadn’t spoken since. I didn’t call, text or email. He starts blowing up my phone.

Conversation was:

Him: I’ve been calling you for five days (He called 3 days in a row and sent a text on the 3rd day asking why I won’t return his calls. I didn’t call back until the 3rd day). I was getting ready to go online and find your work number. You always call me right back.
Me: I’ve been so busy lately.
Him: It’s been five days. So busy that you can’t even call late to say you got my call or send a text when you wake up. What’s going on? You had me worried (pause).
Me: Wow time flies. Thank you for concern but I’m fine. I started laughing.
Him: Not funny. I was concerned. I was getting ready to call the police.
Me: Well thank you but no reason to be concerned.
Him: So your boss has you working overtime?
Me: I tried to stay vague: No. It’s combination of work, social, family, friends stuff you know.
Him: Long pause. Well I wanted to tell you what I’ve been doing. (Gives me some detail about the project. Said he had been sick one day).
Me: Sounds good. I have to run.
Him: Well will you call me later when you have time?
Me: Sure goodbye.

My question is this a typical response from effective NC/mirroring? If so what do I do to keep it up? We didn’t break up from a relationship; but I certainly feel my love was rejected and I know I was too available to him and his needs so I want to see if there’s a chance he does care about me beyond friendship. If he does want more I should notice it in the type of conversation and if he demonstrates actions to move toward me right? Found it interesting he counted the days but he was the one who hadn’t called me! Does that mean he was thinking about me on those days?

Thanks, Violet

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous, Feb 25 1:37 PM,
I wouldn't worry too much at this point about him not being readily available 24/7. Because a man's emotional patterns of "connection" do not work like a woman's.

A man's intimacy pattern is as follows: Submerse himself in you, then comes up for air. Submerse himself in you, then comes up for air. Rinse and repeat.

That is, during the early stages I mean. Later on, after entering into a relationship or commitment with one another, you can begin to expect more of him. But in the early stages, the dating/courtship phase, you cannot expect "relationship" type behavior.

And the best thing to do is to mirror his behavior. Now, if you enter into a commitment with him and this behavior continues, that's an indicator of a possible disappearing/reappearing man, which I discuss here:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/06/disappearing-reappearing-man-what-to-do.html

And I also discuss the concept of "mirroring" there. And that means, to maintain a healthy balance of power in a relationship (i.e. not get run over or hurt by a man), it's best to mirror his behavior. So if he takes two days to talk to you, you take two days to respond. If he takes a day to answer you, you take a day to respond. If he doesn't talk to you for a week, when he resurfaces, you wait one week to respond.

Because the reality is that if a woman makes herself too available to a man, it tends to invite poor treatment from them (i.e. they begin to take you for granted.)

As well, men form emotional bonds differently than women do. Women want to drink a man in, 24/7. Men, however, do not FEEL anything for a woman - until they're AWAY from her. It's the SPACE that makes a man fall for you. It's during the SPACE that he will FEEL things. Meaning, he'll miss you, he'll long for you, he'll think about you - all of the things that make a man FEEL emotions - take place during the ABSENCE, not during the time spent together.

Men equate "longing" for someone with "love" - so it's best to give them plenty of space and let them miss you and long for you ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 25 3:27 PM,
"Why is he doing this?"

Because you cracked open the door and created a "possibility" for him (a sexual possibility).

"I mean why is this guy lying to me?"

Because you're permitting it. You've walked right back into his life, so now, he's going to see what/how much he can get away with. And if he has to lie to you to string you along (as a possible sexual opportunity), then that's exactly what he'll do.

"I also texted him when I've sent him my 1st email, he seen it, he blocked me obviously, now he is acting stupid?"

Yep. Because that's the best way to create confusion and mixed emotions inside of you - thus, rendering you "helpless" to a certain extent. Men know that the more confused a woman is, the more mixed up her emotions are for him - the better the odds are that he can successfully manipulate her into having his way with her (sex).

"As I said above I'm really naive right now because this whole thing doesn't make any logical sense."

It does if you think like a man dear. The best way to win the war is to disarm the enemy. He's attempting to manipulate you emotionally so that you'll drop your guard and make this easy for him.

"He vanishes for 2 months and now...Now he comes back out of no where."

He didn't come back out of nowhere - you INVITED him back into your life. It's the same as portrayed in the movies, when a vampire stands at the doorway of someone's home, needing an invitation to come inside - that's because evil needs an "invitation" to enter your life. And you just sent the invitation.

"My friend told me that he is into me and that he really likes me"

Ugh. I really hate to burst your bubble here sweetie, but that's what women say to one another to make themselves feel better about these things. I'm sure she has your best interest at heart - but following her advice is going to lead you to more pain, confusion and heartache. Women make excuses for men like this all the time and it's simply not the truth.

The truth is: A man that genuinely likes you will seek you out. He will initiate contact and he will attempt to talk things out, in order to fix the problem and make it better.

If a guy doesn't express the desire to do that, don't make excuses for him because the reality is - if he cared - he'd show it, via his ACTIONS.

"thinks I'm some kind of a bimbo who sleeps around with men (he asked me that directly when we meet for 4th time) LOL I was shocked."

Don't be surprised by that dear. That's the impression that aggressive, modern day women are giving to men these days as a result of requiring nothing, no romance or knightly gestures from a man up front - before jumping into bed with him on the 2nd date.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

As much as men want to sleep with a woman - if the woman gives in too soon - he's labeling her as "easy" and he'll string her along as a Plan B of sorts - but he'll never truly respect her as a woman.

"She said he is insecure guy."

Why do you want to date an insecure man? Insecure men do not make good husbands, boyfriends or lovers. They will exhaust you with their manipulative behavior and leave you confused and frustrated - exactly as he's already done here.

Insecure men need LOTS of attention from women to make themselves feel better as men. As a result, they tend to string MANY women along and they prefer to be chased by the women because it makes it easier for them to use them. Insecure men tend to be cheaters, liars and generally unreliable men. Insecure men do not care about fulfilling a woman's needs - they are only concerned with fulfilling their own (to make themselves feel more like men) and as a result, tend to make for selfish boyfriends, lovers and husbands. Insecure men make the woman work hard at the relationship while they sit back and do hardly anything for the woman in return (but play mind games). Much like he's doing here.

"He ignored my valentines text, that was harsh, but its was a clear sign it was over and now"

If you offer yourself up to a man sweetie, at some point, he will turn around to see what/how much he can get from you. Which is why it doesn't pay for a woman to pursue a man. All it leads to is a half interested man using the woman for sex once or twice and then disappearing again anyway.

Be very careful here dear or you're going to walk into something very painful.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Violet,
"He says he loves me and doesn’t want to lose what we have but he’s not ready for a relationship yet"

That means he loves you as a friend, but he's not "in love" with you. A man that is in love with a woman WANTS a commitment from her - because he doesn't want any other man to come along and steal her away from him.

"My question is this a typical response from effective NC/mirroring?"

Yepper, LOL. It's working - he's THINKING and it's making him take ACTION:

1) "I was getting ready to go online and find your work number."

2) "You had me worried"

3) "I was concerned."

He's worried and concerned - as he should be. Because the reality here is, he wants a friendship. Well that's fine - but when you're only involved in a friendship - you don't get "relationship" treatment. He wants a friendship, yet he expects you to answer to him and be available to him whenever he wants - as if it's a "relationship."

If he wants a friendship, then he gets friendship treatment.

If he wants relationship treatment and all access and availability to you - then he needs to enter into a relationship with you.

"If so what do I do to keep it up?"

The same exact thing you're doing. And you want to remain non-emotional in your communication, keep it light and casual (just as a "friendship" should be). Do not answer to him, he's not your boyfriend or your husband, so it's none of his business and he has no right to ask that of you.

He does not have the right to expect you to treat him as a boyfriend when he's suggested that all he wants is friendship.

"If he does want more I should notice it in the type of conversation and if he demonstrates actions to move toward me right?"

If he wants more, eventually, he'll ask to speak to you. He'll begin saying things like, "I think we need to talk." Or, "We need to talk" or "Can I talk to you."

He'll signal he's ready for "the talk."

"Found it interesting he counted the days but he was the one who hadn’t called me! Does that mean he was thinking about me on those days?"

Absolutely, LOL ;-) And that's exactly as it should be. He needs to THINK about what HE'S done here. He needs to think about the fact that he's suggested he only wants friendship, yet he expects to have 24/7 access to you - as if you're in a relationship.

He's very confused about that. And the reason is because so many women behave as if they're in relationships with men - when the reality is - they're only casually dating them.

A man should not be afforded the luxury of 24/7 immediate availability from a woman - until he's committed to her ;-)

Anything short of a commitment is considered "casual" dating. And the definition of "casual" is:

"Relaxed and unconcerned. A person who does something irregularly, occasionally."

You might want to remind him of the differences, LOL ;-)

LionessQueen said...

@mirror

So I did what you said. I waited the 3 days since he texted me asking if "my email got hacked or do you really want me to go to www.blahblahblah.com?" And responded saying "I thought you might need a blahblahblah LOL." I am not ever sure if he got the text because the iPhone did not say "delivered" like it normally does, which is strange and unlucky of me of course, but anyway today I texted him saying "ready to be friends?" And no response?!?!?!? The same guy that jumped at the opportunity to text me and tell me my email got hacked immediately has no response, but to make matters WORSE I got so upset because I saw on his ex gf's twitter account how "excited she is for this weekend with HIM" yep, she tagged his name!!!!! (Vomit). The ex he said he broke up with and stopped liking months before he finally ended it. The ugly 19 yr old little girl that doesn't wear make up. (Weird thing is she does not follow him on twitter and they are not FB friends, because I've done my research with my stalker screen names) I'm so livid! I don't even know what to think. I know he is friends with his ex-gfs, so im trying not to jump to conclusions, but then again WHY WON'T HE BE FRIENDS WITH MEEEEEE??!?!?. What is your take?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@LionessQueen,
Sweetie, I tried to warn you so as to avoid a situation such as this. Bottom line, he isn't ready to talk. Which is why it is necessary to stay away long enough during no contact...until he begins expressing he wants to talk.

Otherwise, if you break no contact and you initiate communication (which is considered "pursuit" to men), you risk receiving no response and rejection and giving away your power. Thus placing yourself right back to square one.

He's simply not ready. He may chose to never be ready. Or someday, he may decide its time. Thing is...you can't control that. Only thing you can control here is yourself and your reactions. You need to start moving forward and placing this situation, and him, behind you. Because right now, unfortunately, it's over. Accept that and begin to move forward. If the day ever comes that he expresses a desire to talk, then that's the time to talk - because the only time any healthy communication that's going to actually lead to a two way conversation and conflict resolution here is going to happen....is when both parties are ready for it and want it.

A man that is genuinely interested will seek you out.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@LionessQueen,
Just for the record, the response you sent is not what I suggested, LOL. I repeatedly suggested that its best to wait for the man to contact you expressing a desire to talk to you. Something along the lines of, "Can we talk?"

The point of no contact in this situation was to draw the man to you by staying away long enough that he misses you and is compelled to take action to begin pursuing you in an attempt to talk with you. To stay away until he expresses that he's ready to talk.

But in the meantime, you can't sit around waiting for this to happen. No contact can take months to have an effect. Which is why it's also meant to help the woman detach and begin to move on with her life, dating other men, taking care of herself and experiencing growth on her own.

It's best to be working towards independence (versus codependence) during this period and focusing on yourself...while placing him in your past.

Violet said...

@ The Mirror:

Thank you so much for your help. Just that one tiny reversal and I feel empowered, strong and desired again -- like it was when we first started going out.

You know I was also surprised that he seemed almost a tad angry that I hadn't called. What is that!?

I wasn't sure I understood how to implement your suggestion here: "You might want to remind him of the differences, LOL ;-)

Would it be if he continues asking why I'm not calling as I maintain my elusiveness or would it be later if we ever progress to the point when he initiates the talk?

Regards,

Violet

LionessQueen said...

@mirror

I have stayed away. I stated away for two months. When he texted me a month into no contact I DID NOT RESPOND. Now when he texted me (2 months since no contact started) I waited 3 days to respond to the fool and responded casually. Where in there do you see me chase him? I was being casual. It's been two months. I do not chase guys. Responding to someone after two months is not chasing. The confusion is in the fact that he made the effort to text me and contact me when everyone else who got spammed by me just ignored it. Actually two of my ex boyfriends got spammed also, I didn't get a text from them. But he is immature and he jumped at any random opportunity to contact me, but when I casually respond he ignores me again. I did not do anything wrong. Was I supposed to keep ignoring him when he had made two attempts to talk to me already? Is that not seekin me out? Obviously if we started a conversation he would maybe say something about "let's talk," I was only being casual as you responded. There is nothing more casual than putting a guy in the friend zone by asking him to be friends. I think the fact he doesn't respond shows be doesn't want to be friends, but that he actually wants more and doesn't know how to go about it.

Anonymous said...

From then on I was the one who texted him first. After some time, he didn't respond to my texts for five days. I went nuts and sent him a really long message telling him that I couldn't understand what I did to deserve his treatment. He then replied to my text and told me that he can't really explain. He said he was really busy and sick and that was the reason. We got in an argument and I got really pissed. The next days he texted me first again and he was talking really affectionate. After that, he stopped again and I was the one to contact him.
Three days he didn't reply and after that I sent him a short message "So I see you don't want to talk with me anymore.Ok :).". He replied, "I think that's what's best for you. I see that you are really affected by this and I don't want to see you suffer because of me, for nothing." We finally agreed to not progress our "relationship" any further. We kind of agreed to remain just friends, not that I was happy with the decision. After that, I contacted him at 3,4 days and we had relaxed chats, like in between friends. It was a week after and he was in a relationship with his ex. It lasted 3 days and he was single again. But it pissed me so much that I decided I would not contact him ever again. After a week and a half of ignoring him he texted me, and we talked again for like 2 hours. But it was relaxed talk, nothing about "us". After a week he texted me again, after 3 days again. After that I saw him in the club he was working and we talked a little, he hugged me twice, and I saw him staring and smiling at me from time to time. I tried to remain passive.
We haven't talked for a month after that. He then contacted me and asked me if I was alive, and why haven't I talked to him lately and if I decided to forget about him. I told him I didn't like to annoy people and he was not an exception. He told me to give him a sign of life from time to time and asked me if I didn't miss him at all. He seemed took a little off guard by my new attitude. He then told me he wanted to see me when I have free time and when he has too. I told him that I will probably be free on the week-end, and it remained we will see each other then. After that, I went to being myself again, my stupid self... I started contacting him first again and the dating never happened. But we talked like a couple again, a little too affectionate for just friends.
Two weeks I texted him first, and now I stopped. A week passed by and haven't heard from him. What should I do? I'm freaking out, I can't understand his behavior. When I contact him, we chat for like 2-3 hours about random things. He likes attention a lot. I don't know what to do. I'm really in love with him. I can't get over him. I want to be with him. I'm just a hopeless case... I don't know how he feels about me. I don't know what should I do...
So so soo sorry about the long text, but I wanted to cover the facts. There are many details that I didn't mention... Please give me your opinion on this, I'm clueless. Thank you in advance!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@LionessQueen,
"Responding to someone after two months is not chasing."

Contacting a man twice without response from him and then taking it a step further asking for friendship will be interpreted by him as pursuit. It's YOU doing the WORK that HE should be doing.

"Was I supposed to keep ignoring him when he had made two attempts to talk to me already?"

Yes. Because those were not attempts at real communication. That communication from him had absolutely nothing to do with the relationship or any attempt to work things out. They were simply about email hacks and an unrelated topic and they shouldn't have been misinterpreted as a desire to "work things out."

"Is that not seekin me out?"

No. Seeking you out is calling/texting you in an attempt to either speak to you, see you or ask you on a date. A man will express the need to talk to you and he'll ask if you can speak, or he will invite you out on a date or to meet somewhere to do so or he'll push for a conversation to develop.

LionessQueen said...

@mirror,

I never initiated the contact. Not sure if you don't read carefully or everyone's facts get confusing, but it was him contacting me first both times, granted it was unrelated. At the end of the day, most people would not bother to text someone about their email getting hacked. They would just ignore it. I think he is mad that I didn't respond to him a month ago at all when he texted and now I waited 3 days before I sent response. I think he is sticking it to me now BC he knows I'm playing games.

Anonymous said...

@mirror

Thanks a lot for the reply!! Yes, yes, yes you are 100% right with all you said, but! There is always but.
Some of the facts (not excuses) that bother me, sorry I always try to find some logical behaviour as always
1. Its a long distance thing, he vanished, he is not my bf, we do not date, he is just the guy i've slept with, someone who all of the sudden became crazy for me...He prooved it not by his words but by his actions, then he vanished. We never fought or anything. We just stopped communicating since my last text.
2. Now he is back after I've sent him 2nd emotional, but dignified email, still I havent respond to his text to resend him 1st mail which accidently vanished and wasnt delivered. Why would he want to read it? Why just not ignoring me? I said to him in my 2nd email that its absolutely fine that he keep on ignoring me and I said goodbye. I made things easier for him, I know its hard for people to face others and tell them directly:"I am not into you, leave me alone" Why would anyone want to solve things out if they don't care at all and be fair? There is no sense. People vanish problems and avoid them, especially men! They do not confront them if they don't have to!
3. He wants some contact with me, again. Is it the guilt? I dont think so because if it were the guilt he'd reply to me sooner and ended it. People dont change, they react by their pattern.
4. I am insecure and cold, maybe I confused him with being too honest of sahring my feelings, now he knows how I feel for him. Maybe he hasn't got any clue of how I felt all this time. Untill now. Men are really stupid and they do not read between the lines, thats fact.
6. Okay, as I said before I always seek logical explanations in human behaviour and in life. I am going insane for thinking that actually I do mean something for him. And that he wants to solve things and be a man for change. I also started to think that he does like me, but that the fact I live far away nowdays, made him vanish and distance from myself. Our "friendly relationship" doesnt make any sense afterall. If it had any sense I'd produce a romantic movie and win an oscar.
8. I don't think he is playing his games "stringing" me along just to have easy sex when he wants to because fact is that if he wanted, he couldnt, he'd need to spend a lots of money to see me again. So I think that is not reason to do keep on doing it and playing this game. And btw sex was not great, LOL.
And as I said before, since we had sex, he did what none of a guy would do. Mostly men have sex and distance themselves. This guy instead became romantic and showed me alots of affection before he suddenly vanished.
I dont understand him, I never will. He doesnt replies to my textes, now he wants to be a man and talk to me about what is bothering me. I am confused. I know I was bitchy also, I was cold.
I can philosophy for extra 100 pages about this issues, but I think I need to reply to him tomorrow or day after. And resend him stuff. But I am 100% he will not be honest, LOL and that he will never reply to me when I redoit.
Sorry for this long post, but I want someone to answer me to one question, someone expirienced and smart:
Am I insane for thinking that he feels the same way, but that he just needed some space? I am not saying it because I am hoping for it, it just the only logical explenation for all of this behaviour.
Do men really need to cut all of the contacts and vanish? Do they really need time to process their feeling and when they realize what they are going to loose that fear pushes them back into our life? And do men really ignore women they like alot? Do they? Just to test their feelings and emotions for them?

Anonymous said...

@ MOA
Do you think dating a guy for about 2 weeks and he disappears will make him even think about you using NC? I feel like we only went on 2 dates and Ive been using NC but I feel that he doesnt know me well enough to even think of me. Ive used NC on all of my exes and it worked, but of course they spent time with me. Whereas we had fun, talked a little, but nothing deep. Any experience with this?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Violet,
"I was also surprised that he seemed almost a tad angry that I hadn't called. What is that!?"

Loss of control - and the realization that this isn't going to be as easy as he thought it was, LOL.

"You might want to remind him of the differences, LOL ;-)"

I just meant that someday when the opportunity appears, when he starts bringing up why you're not doing this or that, or why you're not behaving a certain way, it might pay to calmly and nicely say to him, "Do you expect me to behave as if I'm in a relationship with someone who told me it's simply a friendship?"

Casually but nicely remind him that dating is one thing, a relationship is another - and he cannot expect you to behave as if you're in a relationship with him - when HE said all he wanted was a friendship.

"Would it be if he continues asking why I'm not calling as I maintain my elusiveness or would it be later if we ever progress to the point when he initiates the talk?"

I would wait for HIM to open that topic up for discussion - when he starts to question you. Because his questions will open that topic up for discussion, he'll be ready to talk about it then (because he's inquiring) and that's when you can casually mention the differences - and remind him that all he wanted here was a friendship ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 26, 7:25 AM,
"He said he's not, and he's the bad guy because he's not making time for me."

That's because men KNOW that THEY should be the pursuer and the one taking the lead and initiating contact.

"He then replied to my text and told me that he can't really explain."

It's because YOU started to pursue HIM. And regardless of what men say or what they THINK they want, they really do not like it when the woman is the pursuer. It turns them off. They ask women to do this kind of thing, then when they lose attraction for her, they can't figure out why - sigh, LOL.

"A week passed by and haven't heard from him. What should I do?"

Nothing. You cease pursuing him and you wait for HIM to come to YOU. If he doesn't, then you move on (or he'll just keep reappearing/disappearing on you).

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@LionessQueen,
"I think he is sticking it to me now BC he knows I'm playing games."

Please don't refer to this as playing games. Don't give my readers the wrong impression of this advice or of me.

Playing games with someone is done for malicious purposes of entertainment or amusement. The advice given here is NOT meant for malicious purposes or entertainment or amusement - it's meant to bring two people closer together by creating balance and not letting one of them run the other one over.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 26, 9:51 AM,
I think you're making some erroneous judgments about men:

"Men are really stupid and they do not read between the lines, thats fact."

That could not be further from the truth. Men are NOT stupid. They are very well versed in reading between the lines when it comes to women.

"And do men really ignore women they like alot? Do they? Just to test their feelings and emotions for them?"

They sure do. And if you think they're not smart enough to read between the lines and pull it off, you can read this, written by a man. And you'll see just how SMART men really are when it comes to reading between the lines with women and testing them:

http://emmyboy.hubpages.com/hub/how-to-play-mind-games-on-women

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 26, 1:23 PM,
It all depends on the level of the mans interest. Nothing is a guarantee. Yes, I've had experience with it. I've gone on two or three dates with men, never had sex with them and used NC - and it worked.

But that's only because they were genuinely interested men.

Anonymous said...

Hi! Currently I'm in a relationship a guy who is constantly not replying and yet he was able to reply others . Even when he replies its a one word reply or can't be bothered replies and he says its because he is out he doesn't have time to reply but has the time to just check it out ..is this normal? He disappears for half of the day without any text or messages ..and whenever I mention about it he says in controlling him..am I really ? Besides that whenever I go over to his place and return home alone late in the night(I don't own a car),I feel that he doesn't really care if I reach home safely .He won't wait till I'm home before he sleeps ,he will just send a text saying are you home I'm going off to sleep goodnight ..he doesn't even wait for a reply .. I don't own a car or vehicle so I have to take the public transport and walk home alone and its very quiet but it seems like he doesn't really care about my safety..is he taking me for granted?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
He most certainly is. The saying in the small green comic box at the end of the article here applies to him. He has a sense of entitlement. He feels he deserves things for doing absolutely nothing.

And I think this has a lot to do with the fact that you're pursuing him, you're doing all of the work here to keep this thing going. You're traveling to him, you're contacting him. It should be the other way around because when a woman takes the lead role, it kills the man's attraction for her. It feels very unnatural to men.

I would begin no contact (and no response) for 30 days. See if he makes repeated attempts to contact you. See if he eventually wants to have a "talk." If he doesn't, then let him go.

A genuinely interested man will seek you out. He will express a desire to speak with you, he will make time for you, he will worry/care about you and he will ask you out on dates.

This man is doing none of those things for you and you deserve much better.

Anonymous said...

Hey! I did the no contact for a month and a half. After that he contacted me, asking me why I stopped talking to him and if I didn't miss him a all. I stupidly gave in. I started texting him again and we talked like everyday. Then I stopped texing him and he just disappeared, haven't heard form him for almost three weeks. What should I do? Apply the no contact rule again, waiting for him to text me? He would be online on facebook and wouldn't say a word to me. I don't know what to think of it. My birthday is two weeks away and I would expect him to contact me. I don't know.. I try to look ignorant, like he wouldn't even exist, but I don't know for how long I can hold this mask up..
Thank you for the beautiful articles, they are amazing, inspiring and really insightful! I love them! :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
There's no need to work on this with him any further. No contact has proved him to be a half interested man.

I'd move on and make room in my life for a genuinely interested man instead.

Anonymous said...

I think you're right... Even if it hurts. But I don't understand so many things that happened in our "relationship". At first, he was the one that made the first move, he was seeking me out, inviting me to spend time with him. And I think I killed it by this "role change" that I did, me being the one to text him everyday. I shouldn't have done that. But he is a popular guy in our town, so many girls like him. He is used to girls coming to him, chasing him. He told me that usually he drops off girls that have a too large ego to ask him out or just admit that they like him. It's a bit odd to me.
Three months ago he upset me badly and I just promised to myself that I would not text him ever again. I didn't. After a week and a half he texted me, after a week again, after three days again. And so on. Then he stopped and I did the same. The one month with no contact that I told you about happened. And then we talked again, he wanted to go out with me. And I killed it once again by texting him. The date never happened, and now poof, disappeared again.

He had a long term relationship, and he told me he got attached to that girl and she just broke his heart. He was sometimes depressed because of it. I thought that he would be scared of a real relationship again.

The worst part of it is that I think I'm responsible for all of this happening :(...I'm so hurt..

Anonymous said...

Absolutely mind blowing advise! Thank you so much...From me Heidi :)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your response...this anonymous february 20,so mirror do you think he meant it when he said he loves me?or do you think his playing games because he hardly expresses his feelings,but I have gone no contact since feb 20th and he called on the 28th feb which I ignored then he text me asking when am coming to see him,which. I replied a few hours later,very casual...but he never replied,can you give me some insight please,I really like him does he feel the same? Thank you for your help.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
No contact is meant for a 30 day period, not one week. As well, you do not jump on the first couple of communications he sends. The point is for him to experience a loss here. If all it takes is one or two calls or texts for him to be back in your good graces, then why wouldn't he do it again?

He knows it's only going to require a phone call or text and then boom...he's right back in. He's experienced no consequence for his bad behavior...so there's no reason for him to straighten up because he gets away with it.

Someone can only treat you as poorly as you'll permit them to.

A man that loves a woman thinks of her, makes time for her, calls her, asks her on dates, asks to see her and does nice things for the woman.

Pay attention to his actions..not his words.

Anonymous said...

I have been knowing this guy for a year now. he lives in my neighborhood and i see him often. We often end up at the same club, stores and different places and always speak, chat and leave. About a month ago we were both at an event and spent the evening talking. The next evening we went out dancing. We hit it off and sparks FLEW. We both felt a connection like no other. He is a capricorn and I a pisces. We speak often on the phone and get along like no other. I feel he is my soul mate. I would like to get with him but one problem...he has a girl that he's been seeing for year. I refuse to engage in any sexual activity because of his girl but he pushes..I am so tempted but I refuse to be the other woman. He tells me that between now and a year from now, we will be together because they will not be together. I do not want to get my hopes up high and feel that i should have NO CONTACT until that happens. Its such a difficult decision but i feel I must to prevent myself from being hurt my this man.

Anonymous said...

this is great advice, men seem to respond best to action in my experience. seems they always do resurface as well.

my current conundrum: dated a guy briefly, he came on very strong. mutual strong chemistry between us. after third date, i went from cool just having fun and observing to past abandonment anxiety bubbling up and acting from that place...I became the pursuer, calling then texting when it had been less than 24 hours from first reach out. he felt too much pressure then said he didn't think it would work out. out of anger, I texted him back saying I felt that he wasn't what I was looking for either.

surprisingly, he texted back instead of dropping it, saying there was no need to be hostile he had been nothing but nice. so, two days later I replied to that text calling his bluff since he had a strong reaction. he surprised me again by calling me to explain himself.

during the course of conversation he explained that he liked me so much that he had told his coworkers he could see himself marrying one day, and that the way we were acting he could tell that we would quickly end up in a serious relationship and he isn't ready for that. we left the conversation with no decision on how to proceed.

it is true that we have gotten pretty 'heavy' quickly in. well, the next day to positively reinforce that he was honest with me, I texted that I appreciated his sensitivity and that if I was him in public I wouldn't scowl at him. he sent me a smiley emoticon in response.

I was going to leave it there...however, i received some good news the next day and couldn't help but share and ask for advice. i have an interview for a graduate program. that was in the afternoon, he didn't write back till 1am! leaving me with the impression that he must have finally gotten to bed so late on a Friday night...hmmm.

to make matters worse, the next day I write a reply, cool, think it would be great advice coming from you since you went to a top school. here it is a day later, and no reply.

have i blown the ability to do 30 day NC? I probably shouldn't have left things at the phone convo, but I felt this need to establish a friendship and I think he is probably only further cementing in his mind that I am not as special as he had originally assumed. now what?? please help the usually unlucky Capricorn lady handle this Taurus man!

if it isn't too late...we do actually have a lot in common, enjoy each others company, make each other laugh and amazing chemistry.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Yes, I would use no contact in this situation. But not necessarily to win him back. I mean, sure, he may reach out after not hearing from you for a while - or - he may not. There is not guarantee.

But what is a guarantee is that once you begin no contact, you'll feel more empowered and you'll begin to build your self esteem back up. So that in the event he does reach out, you'll be much more prepared to handle it appropriately and without being too eager and grasping for too much.

No contact will help you to detach and to step back and get a clear picture of this man. And what may even happen is - you may come to realize that it isn't even the man you were drawn to. . .but the fantasy of what you envisioned he COULD be. When the reality of what he TRULY is, could be an entirely different story. One that you won't see clearly until entering no contact.

Because many times, women fall for the fantasy. They place the man on a pedestal and they start to fantasize about him, "he's intelligent, he's good looking, he says he wants to settle down, etc."

But once you enter no contact and come out of the fog, many times you realize - he's actually none of those things and the reality is much different than the fantasy.

No contact serves many purposes but it's most valuable one - is for you. The strength, the self awareness and the ability to separate emotions and use logic. So if it's done with a focus on "self" (self growth, self awareness, self esteem, etc.) rather than the man, it can be very rewarding.

Anonymous said...

I need some advice!!! I don't know how to explain my situation without looking like a bad person, but I am suffering and I'm doing my best. I really am a good person who is just trying to work some things out. I am not in a position to rush to a solution to my problems, for financial and other reasons. I started therapy to deal with the grief over my failing marriage and my fears over facing a different life than I imagined at the age of 50. Then, I met someone who rocked my world. I've only seen him a few times, but we had an amazing connection, like I've never had before. We kept in touch, but he does not want to have an affair with a married woman. I had my expectations too high..and was disappointed he didn't contact me on Valentine's Day or respond to an expressive email I sent him. He has not lied to me or really done anything wrong, other than he is maintaining a distance. I stopped contact with him two days after Valentine's Day after an emotional text I sent, which left me feeling powerless, hopeless, and out of control. He sent me a text 10 days later asking me if I would like to meet him to clarify the situation, but I haven't responded. It has been almost a week, and I feel like I'm playing games at this point. Shouldn't I just respond to him, so he doesn't think I'm playing games? Please don't judge me, as you don't know the details of my situation, and I truly am doing my best in a situation I've never dealt with before and never thought I would ever find myself in. On top of it all, I'm 50 and feel pressure that my days are numbered to create the life I want for myself.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Well first of all, I'm not sure why you're associating your need for space and detachment as a game. The games you refer to are not comparable as they are played for malicious, amusement purposes. I'm not sure why when he's mia, you label that as him maintaining a healthy distance, yet when you do the same, you're being much harder on yourself and labeling your need for a healthy distance as games. Don't do that to yourself dear. We all need space as human beings and we all need healthy distance, so don't go easy on him and hard on yourself when you're both doing the same thing ;-)

If you feel you need to use no contact for yourself, for this distance and space, then proceed with it. Do what's best for yourself here and don't worry about sacrificing your needs simply to appease a man.

If however, you feel you've received enough space and time to have the conversation clearly, since he's expressed a desire to meet and speak with you, then feel free to proceed accordingly.

The choice is yours dear. And you're what's important here so stay focused on your well being regardless of which decision you make and all will be well :-)

Anonymous said...

Mighty Aphrodite,

can you please provide your insight into this? I am starting to lose my FOCUS. I hate when that happens. I don't want to waste my time with this guy. Nor do I want to end up hating him.

So I am in my early 30s and I am really into this guy who is almost 10 years older than me. We've known each other through work, but that was over 5 years ago and it was strictly professional. We've been expressing interest in one another and I am really torn right now on if I should continue to seek him out or just let this one go. This guy, from my observations is a very respectable man. He is divorced (been for almost 10 years now) and really takes care of his children (teens). He loves his Mom very much and his Aunts and his looked up to in his family. His co-workers love him, etc. He said he got divorced because of so much disrespect from his ex-wife. Whom he is still cordial with BTW, for the sake of his kids..I know they're not doing anything.

I guess the part I'm attracted to as far as he goes is that he is responsible and really seems to be just a really nice guy. I see a lot of qualities in him that I'd want in a husband. BTW, I am also divorced (6 yrs ago) and have young children.

We only contacted each other a couple of times in the 5 year period and about 6 months ago, we reconnected. Well, another thing is in this getting to know each other again, I told him I've been celibate for 5 years and that I don't believe in shacking up or going out with someone for like 2-3 years and having that not go anywhere...where it would be a waste of time and energy.

In the beginning it was like he was really heavy on the pursuit, but gradually it started dying down. First he said, "I don't want to be a bugaboo so that's why I touch base every 2-3 days or so." He then added, "I don't mean to be distant..but I do think of you often." Then he'll say something to the effect of he helps his grandmother and grandfather (has health probs), etc. Then there's this, "with work and the crew (his kids), it seems like there's no time.." Meaning no time to communicate because he says when we're always both in the middle of something. But I always figured, that if you really wanted something to happen, you'd make it happen.

I feel...so dumb right now for letting my guard down with him. He will say things like, "I wish you were lying down on my chest" wanting to cuddle but says he won't take it anywhere unless I want to.."I'm going with your flow"

So I am battling this in my mind...it's like my heart wants to give it to him, but my brain is telling me to be very cautious and wait it out. I've been praying for God to show me who this man really is, although I really want to believe he is a good guy. We have some mutual friends, but they don't know that we're interested in each other.

It also seems like based on his FB that he's a man in demand. A lot of women gawk over him. He calls me "his baby" "babe" , etc. But when I post a comment on his FB he will just reply to me by my first name. I've also observed he'll use the term "babe" on other women and compliment on their pics. But if I'm supposed to be his "baby" then why does he say that?

We have not had that "talk" but I deeply feel like I need to discuss it with him before anything physical goes down.

The other day he said to me "you're a good girl" and he'll send me texts, "I'm thinking about you, etc." but if he's really thinking about me in THAT way, wouldn't he make it known?

Anonymous said...

I don't want my self-esteem to go dwindling down from insecurities because I'm now having to wonder when I'll hear from him again. I know what it's like to be pursued, and it seems like he was doing that in the beginning and it has died down considerably. He'll be in contact a few times a week but it feels like just to see if I'm still there......sometimes though I feel like he is stringing me along. I told him I want him to be honest and that if his mind changes, he should tell me.

I respect him and numerous times he told me he respects me, and I hate having doubt. I really like this man. I can't stop thinking about him. He says, "you just dont know what thoughts run through my mind about you." That I know is not strictly sexual but I'm thinking maybe he is thinking about a future with me.

If I sleep with him, from a man's point of view, would I be lowering my value? Some people are like do the "test drive" but I'm like I don't know if I could do it without a commitment. I've never done that before. This man would be the 2nd guy I've ever slept with.

This is what I'm looking for as far as my life goes, an exclusively monogamous relationship, long term, perhaps marriage. My life though...I don't want to put pressure on him, but I'd like for him to know this.

He says he takes me serious and does not take my abstinence from sex lightly, but lately I've not been feeling this.

He also says and has said, "I'll do better" "I said I'd do better, and I will." but now I feel he's being too comfortable.

Should I proceed...please I am looking for your advice and please don't sugar coat. I need as much insight as I can get. It took years for me to heal from my past marriage and told myself I would not get into anything with anyone unless I am healed because it wouldn't be fair to the next man.

I'm just an overall "good girl". Haven't been really dating in the meantime and am focused on getting my master's, taking care of my kids (without help of biological dad), don't go to clubs, drink, smoke, etc.

I'e been told by a male friend that I need to be careful because it is hard to get up again the second time around when it comes to another heartbreak. I don't want to waste my time..I mean I've got 2 young children and I really need someone who is willing to step up to the plate and really come WITH it, or don't come at all.

What do you think?

I'm looking forward to your responses.

Thank you so much.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
I wouldn't take the leap here. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you wanted to hear. But the thing is, with your past history of only one man and your period of celibacy, I believe you're vulnerable right now - and this man isn't showing he's reliable enough for you to take the risk, in my opinion.

Because if he was truly serious about this, he'd make time for you and he'd express his romantic interest or association with you freely in front of others (on FB). And he's not doing that. As well, many men use terms of endearment with every woman they meet. They call the waitress babe, the gas station clerk is babe, the women he works with are babe - every woman is referred to as babe. That doesn't necessarily signal him a player - but what it does mean is - when he uses that term on you - you can't take it seriously, because he's also using it on others. Which means it's nothing "special."

I think there's an interest on his part, but I also think he'd have a high probability of disappearing after anything sexual. He makes a lot of excuses and uses his kids, family obligations, etc. for them. I realize folks are busy these days - but not so busy that once a week or once every other week, you can't make 3 hours for a date or something, ya' know?

If he isn't calling you, contacting you, and asking you on dates, asking to spend time with you, asking to see you, expressing a desire to be involved with you - then don't go there with him. Because right now, he's signaling that he's "half interested" here. He may even be eluding that sex will somehow make him "fully" interested - and if so, that's NOT the case. When a man is only half interested to begin with, sex doesn't change that. As a matter of fact, sex with a half interested man actually makes him distance himself after the act.

Because he's fearful that the woman will now expect a relationship (after sex) and he was only half interested to begin with - so he's not going to jump into a relationship afterwards. He's going to run because he knows a relationship is now what will be expected.

So keep your guard up here. He's not stepping up to the plate in a way that signals he's genuinely interested. And if your gut is telling you he's stringing you along - I'd strongly suggest that you listen to it.

Don't seek him out. HE should be seeking YOU out. A genuinely interested man will go after what he wants. A half interested man will sit back and let things (women) come to him.

Pull back here, do not contact him - and see if he steps up. If he doesn't, don't chase him, it'll only send him away. If he doesn't, consider him a friend and move on.

Anonymous said...

Thanks...should I apply 30 day on contact rule or if he calls/texts don't reply for 3 days?

Anonymous said...

Hey! What should I do when he comes back to me? How do I know he is not testing me or playing mind games on me? Should I give in and be open with him again?

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