"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

Dating: When, Why, How, To Use No Contact

There are many dating rules out there, but it’s the tried and true ones, the old fashioned traditional ways of doing things, that really do work, which is why certain rules have held true and lasted over the years.

One of those rules happens to be the No Contact Rule. In this handy little guide, I’m going to explain to you the how, when and why’s of this rule: how to use no contact, when to use no contact and why to use no contact when dating. Because this handy little dating rule serves more than just one purpose and has more than just one use.

I’m going to be speaking to the ladies here, but men, this applies to you as well. But I don’t have to tell you that. You guys are well versed in this dating rule and put it to use regularly. But for those men who may not be familiar with it, read on.

When And Why To Use The No Contact Rule When Dating


When A Man Suddenly Disappears On You

No Contact is a handy little trick to attempt to lure someone back to you – by disappearing on THEM. As most women already know, powerful attraction builds for a man that suddenly, and without warning, disappears. Why? Because you begin to think about them constantly.

Where did he go? Is there someone else? Why did he disappear? It doesn’t matter if all the thinking taking place is actually negative in nature, it only matters that all that thinking is actually taking place.


Why?

Because when someone thinks about you constantly, it actually creates intense attraction for them. Playing hard to get works, ladies, which is why it’s another one of those good ole’ fashioned rules that’s stuck around. Psychologically, people tend to want what they can’t have. It’s called the Law of Scarcity and it works in economics and in relationships.

It’s a scientific fact – uncertainty heightens romantic attraction. So if you’re worried he’ll think you’re not interested and then be gone for good, don’t bother thinking that. That’s just your insecurities talking, that’s just you thinking you’re not good enough. But YOU ARE good enough. Have faith in yourself that you’re worth it – and that he thinks you are, too. Don’t sell yourself short because how you perceive yourself – is how others will perceive you as well.

You see, when he’s uncertain as to whether or not you really like him, it’s actually a good thing. It keeps him interested. It keeps him coming around. It makes him want to win you over. It makes him work harder at the relationship. All those things it does to you when it happens to you – it does to him as well.

When a man disappears on you and you worry that he may be gone for good - when he resurfaces suddenly, do you kick him to the curb? Nope. Well, it works the same for men, gals. When you disappear on them suddenly and without warning and then you resurface out of nowhere, they’re unlikely to kick you to the curb. Rather, nine times out of ten, the individual is thrilled you’ve returned.

Men know this, ladies. They use this dating rule regularly – on YOU.

When You Want Your Ex Back

This handy dandy little dating rule can also be used to lure an ex back into your tangled web. If you’ve overwhelmed your ex with neediness, emotional displays, tons of questions about his feelings for you, anger and frustration and, as a result, he dumped you and now you want him back - employ the rule of no contact immediately. Why? To make him think he was wrong about you - and to make him miss you.

Why?

Because men are human too, ladies. They miss people and they’ll miss you when you suddenly disappear and they’re ringing your phone and texting you and you’re not answering or responding to them. That’s when the roles gets reversed and now THEY’RE thinking about YOU constantly. And all that thinking, negative or not, is actually going to create an intense attraction for you. The point is to stay away so long that the man actually begins to “long” for you.

Men equate “longing” for someone with love, ladies.

To Get Over A Man

Yep, the no contact rule is truly a handy dandy little rule with lots of uses. And the last use is to help you get over a bad breakup with a man – to help you emotionally detach from him. Why do you want to detach from him? So you can move on, think about him less, and allow room to meet other men and cease the unhealthy obsessive thought patterns and embarrassing behavior that ultimately, only makes you feel worse about yourself and helpless.

Why?

You see, when you desperately hang on, when you remain in communication with an ex, you’re doing yourself a big injustice. You’ll never get over him if you’re still communicating with him. So do yourself a big ole’ favor here and stop doing that, right now.

If you want the pain to go away, ladies – you have to make HIM go away, because he IS your pain.

How To Use The No Contact Rule When Dating


When A Man Suddenly Disappears On You OR When You Want Your Ex Back

Generally, the no contact rule is a 30 day rule. How to do this is, when a guy suddenly disappears on you without warning or breaks up with you and you want him to notice you again, you get his attention by suddenly disappearing on HIM – you make him experience the consequences.

It’s what’s best for him and you. That’s how you learn lessons in life, that’s how you learn not to repeat your mistakes and that’s how you experience personal growth and develop coping skills. And yes, they call them “growing pains” for a reason – they hurt. So expect it to hurt and brace yourself for a wonderful period of self-awareness and personal growth.

You disappear for 30 days. You do not take his calls. You do not respond to his texts. You do not communicate with him via social media. You do not communicate or respond at all, period, for 30 days. You stay gone and all he hears are crickets chirping in the dead of night.

After not hearing from you or receiving a response from you for 30 days, he'll begin to think this . . watch the video below, a song called "Madness" by Muse, and pay close attention to what this man is doing in these lyrics here - he's THINKING - about the WOMAN, and what HE did WRONG and how he's now READY to face the fact that he needs to LOVE:


Some woman most likely pulled "no contact" on his ass there.

So then, after a 30 day time period (30 days from the time you decided to use the no contact rule) and lots of time for him to think, you suddenly and without warning – resurface. And you do so by either:

1.) Finally responding to a question from one of his last communications (if he’s asked one)

2.) Simply saying, “Hello, how are you?”

And when communication is reinstated – you keep it short and sweet. You don’t share your emotions, you don’t cry, you don’t text back and forth like lightening for 5 hours and you don’t have long, drawn out 3 hour telephone conversations in an attempt to hash things out. You play it cool. You’re busy, you’re independent, you’re confident and you have a life. You “check in” is all. You make small talk and nothing more.

And from that point forward, you play it cool. You take an hour or so to respond to texts. You return calls a day or so later. You don’t accept last minute date requests, he has to make plans with you 3 days in advance or – you’ve already made plans (even if you haven’t, you pretend as if you have – remember, you have a life and you want to give him the impression that you’re busy, healthy and others desire your time as well). This is how you set healthy boundaries, earn respect and get him to treat you with fairness and kindness.

If he’s started out after the no contact period correctly but then suddenly relapses into bad behavior again, then you employ “behavioral mirroring” with him. If he disappears on you for 3 days, you don’t respond for 3 days. If he takes 24 hours to answer a text, you take 24 hours to respond. If he says he’ll call and he doesn’t, when he does, you don’t answer it and you respond to it 3 to 5 days later. And if he really begins misbehaving and taking you for granted again – you employ the no contact rule all over again for 30 days. This is how you create fairness and balance in a relationship and how you hold your own and you don’t get plowed over again.

This is how you earn a man’s respect, ladies. If you’re a pushover, then that’s exactly what he’s going to do to you – push you over.

When You Need To Get Over A Man Or A Breakup

Breakups hurt, rejection hurts. And most times, they hurt women more than men because of all the emotions women are capable of having that men are not. Men don’t analyze things or beat themselves up. Men PROJECT their emotions – outward and onto others. Women ABSORB their emotions – and beat themselves up.

If you want the pain to go away, you need to walk through those emotions and accept the reality. The only way to get rid of the pain is to feel the pain, to work through it and to learn to cope with your emotions in a healthy manner. To make that process much easier for yourself, you employ the no contact rule.

You do not, under any circumstances, communicate with the man. If you do, you’ll have to experience the consequences of your OWN decisions here – you’ll experience pain again, because you’ve permitted it. So you ignore his calls, you don’t respond to his texts, you remove him from any of your social media profiles and you put the past in the past.

If you remain in contact with your ex, you’ll never heal and you’ll continue to experience the hurt. You must cease contact for your own good. If you want the pain to go away, get rid of the pain – he IS your pain - and you need to get rid of him.

This will help you to think of him less and less as the days go on. You will begin to detach from him and from all of the negative emotions and damaging thought processes. You will no longer feel the intense desire to cling to him or to reach out to him. You will begin to feel better about yourself and you will begin to make room in your life for a new man – one that treats you with respect and kindness.

Using the no contact rule to get over a man - helps you to actually get over him.

And there you have it, a handy dandy little guide to employing the no contact rule properly when dating. There are many times in life ladies, that you must learn to say “no” and actually take responsibility for your own happiness and stop blaming the man when it’s actually YOU permitting this unhappiness. If you want things to change – then YOU have to change. You have to learn to be happy, with or without a man, and you need to stop living under the false impression that you need a man to make you happy.

Your happiness doesn’t come from a man, it comes from within yourself - and you radiate it, like warm sunshine.

So get comfortable with the phrases below:

“No, I won’t tolerate this.”

“No, this is unacceptable.”

“No, I won’t permit you to treat me like this”

“No, I will not be available to you when you treat me with disrespect and take me for granted.”

It’s Simple Gals


If you don’t look out for yourself and treat yourself with respect, then why would anyone else? Men want sex. Women want romance. So the best (and only) way for a man to have sex with you – is to romance you. Period, case closed. It’s a tradeoff, and a fair and equal one at that.

So make them do that, ladies: No romance = no sex. It’s simple.

Learn to say “no” and set healthy boundaries in your relationships and you will actually find that you will begin to feel empowered. You will develop a healthy self-esteem. You will feel confident. You will signal to men that you need to be treated with respect. You will grow dignity. You will find that you worry less and less about impressing a man – and you become more and more focused on a man impressing YOU (romancing you).

You have something he wants (sex): Make him work for it (romance).

Do that and you will be happy. You will be treated with respect and kindness. Give it away for free and you’ll be taken for granted by a man who never wants to lift a finger for you or impress you or give you what you need (romance).

This is not game playing, ladies. This is setting healthy boundaries for yourself, looking out for yourself and earning respect for yourself – and making a man treat you with such.

And here’s the harsh reality, ladies. Recent studies have shown that the modern day woman kisses approximately 75 frogs before finding her Prince Charming. So realize that when you stand your ground and demand respect, lazy men, users, and players seeking sex for free will walk away from you. But that’s a good thing because you’re weeding your way through the worthless ones that would’ve only hurt you anyway.

So if 74 frogs leap away from you – realize that the 75th is on his way to you.

It’s the good ole’ fashioned way of doing things. Back in the day, they called it courting. Try it, it works.

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2504 Comments:

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The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous March 5, 9:49AM,
It's your decision as to whether or not to apply no contact here. If you think it would be helpful or beneficial to YOURSELF, then do so. There's no guarantee it's going to work to bring a man back to you or make him want to be with you. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

But the one place it ALWAYS works - is with the woman. Helping her detach, get her head straight and stand up for herself.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous March 5, 11:15AM,
When he comes back - you don't jump. It's 30 days of no response, no contact.

And even when he does resurface after the 30 days are over, me personally, I don't respond until/unless I hear him say, "Can we talk?" Or, "I need to talk to you."

That's how you figure out what their intentions are - you make them PROVE themselves to you. Prove their interest in you and prove that they're genuinely interested - through repeated attempts to "talk" to you. Indicating that the man is regretful and is ready to talk and have a mature conversation.

Men that aren't interested or are testing and playing games will make 1 - 3 lame attempts at communicating and then they'll disappear. And their communications will not signal that they are ready to talk. It'll be more like, "Hey" or "Hi" or something very lame.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
How can I get him to talk to me at all? He broke up with me cos his parents arrange marriage for him when he went back to his home country in Dec and he agreed cos he doesnt want to hurt his family.
We didnt meet at all when he came back in january and I dont know anything about the marriage thing. We never meet too after he got back. But he still tell me he misses me and he wish to meet. But It took him two months to tell me that he got engaged and broke up with me (thru FB chat) cos he said he love me and he doesnt want to hurt me. I know I have bad temper and I always think a lot of negative things. But the thing is that he doesnt make me feel secure. He always added girls on FB and after we got together, he hides the friends list so I cant know who he added.
I know he loves me too especially when we were together.. When he got back from And after he broke the news to me he became cold straight away telling me its over between us. I know that we cant be together anymore but I wish to at least meet one last time outside to talk and break up properly, Also to at least let me say what I have been preparing and say sorry for the hurtful things (I have been assuming that there are other girls etc) I said and apologise or whatever.. But he just dont care. Things that I send to him on FB, he read but doesnt respond. He is a Scorpio and I am a Leo. The characteristic of Scorpio was right about him being hot and cold.. But right now, he's just being cold towards me.
We work together and our work is sort of linked so we will see each other.
After the break up I kept bombarding him with questions to meet and all that but he just doesnt want to reply. He promised to meet but I know he wont do it. It hurts a lot. I even tried asking him when he came to my office for work. But all he does is to try to finish whatever he's doing, and smiles only. I really dont understand him. He doesnt want to tell me why he doesnt want to meet too! I am only left with more questions like Why does he still tells me he miss me when he got engaged and then now after he told me about the engagement then he acted cold towards me??

Last week was the first time that I just "turned away" from him and the next day i deleted him on FB. Then.. two days ago when he went to my office, I acted serious towards him and not like my old self.. And today... it was his turn to act cold towards me. It made me feel hurt and I feel like I shouldnt delete or acted serious to him..

About the 30days rule, he will be leaving my country for good in July and there will be no chance to see him anymore in the future. Also after this month, he might be transferring to other department and i wont see him anymore til he leaves my country. Right now i dont know if he still has feelings for me.
I just wish for us to talk and break up properly or be friends.. but he's not giving me that. I am a stubborn person and as long as I do not get to say what i want to or being explained to, I will always think about it. I love him but I just dont know what to do!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 7, 7:31 AM,
"He doesnt want to tell me why he doesnt want to meet too!"

He can't. I don't think he thinks it's the proper thing to do.

"Why does he still tells me he miss me when he got engaged and then now after he told me about the engagement then he acted cold towards me??"

Because he's promised himself to another woman sweetie. He can't see you now :-(

"I just wish for us to talk and break up properly or be friends"

That may never happen and you may just have to accept that. He told you the truth and that's all that matters. It's not necessary to see him again so that he can repeat himself. He told you and now you know and you're going to have to accept it and try as best you can to move on dear.

"I love him but I just dont know what to do!"

Nothing - there's nothing you can do sweetie :-(

Anonymous said...

MOA,
I have been married to a Taurus for 3 years (my 2nd one, his first). He has had 9 "serious" relationships before (he is mid 30's). He has always told me that they left him, he isn't the leaving kind, etc. His family verifies this.

We had issues with him keeping contact with some of those ex's, and the girls were clearly wanting back together with him--and being direct even tho they knew he was married. I asked him to cut those girls off (the ones that weren't flirting excessively I was fine with). He was upset about that, but agreed. (this happened 4 times/diff women over the 3 years).
Life got stressful, and he began to pull away. He got a secret apartment (calling it an office when I asked him about it...which fits what I saw in there when I snuck in one night...I am his wife, afterall...). Anyway, after waiting awhile for him to reveal his new office to me, I finally told him I knew about it, which ticked him off ("I am not trusting him", and "spying on him"...yup...Happens when you pull stunts like that without telling your wife!). Overall, I didn't agree with how he got the office, but the fact that he wants his own space doesn't bother me much. The lack of honesty is bad, tho.

So, after I revealed I knew about the office/apartment, and voiced my concerns, he added that up (along with my uncomfortableness about the ex's) as me being "controlling and manipulative", and said he wants a divorce. After sitting on that for a few weeks, (we quietly treated him like a king--as always, but not in a groveling way), he said he was leaving. I gave him 3 days to move since he was determined to go (he didn't have a ton of stuff, already had the place to go, and it was a holiday weekend when the kids were gone so they wouldn't see him move out). I was very calm and nice about it, but made it clear i didn't want him to go, but I wouldn't block him- out of respect. He left angry (very rare for him!!). I don't understand his anger, as he was dumping me!?? He wouldn't hug me good bye. The last thing I told him, a little tearful, but not sobbing, was that I loved him.

Haven't heard a peep from him since.
After about 5 weeks, I sent him a handwritten, one page letter with an update on the children (there are 4, which he loves, but they aren't his), and told him I have important items of his.

It's been a week since he got that letter, and I still haven't heard from him.
Do I keep waiting? Do I write once a month or so? We either need to do the legal paperwork, or he need to man up and come home...how do I address this?
Confused...
PS I'm a Sag (early 40's), he's a Taurus (mid-30's). We had the most incredible love and relationship until the ex's and 2012 stresses. I see it as a bad year...I have no idea what he's thinking. I have been told there are no others, but since I have avoided contacting any of his family/friends or checking on his new place, I can only guess this is accurate.

Anonymous said...

But he doesnt have feelings for her yet.. why cant he just break up properly??

Today he really completely ignore me now. It hurts. I blame myself for deleting him on fb and that i acted serious towards him on Tuesday.. And with him being a scorpio, there wont be any chance for him to change anymore. :'( I guess I have hurt him a lot too for not having enough faith in him in the first place.
My heart is just so painful.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 8, 2:09 AM,
"I finally told him I knew about it, which ticked him off ("I am not trusting him", and "spying on him"

You checking on him is simply a reaction to HIS nefarious behavior. If he doesn't want you checking on him, then maybe he should be HONEST with you and then there will be no need to do that.

"he added that up (along with my uncomfortableness about the ex's) as me being "controlling and manipulative", and said he wants a divorce."

He's shifting blame dear. HE is being manipulative by attempting to blame YOU for HIS behavior - instead of him just owning up to it and being accountable for his behavior himself.

"Do I keep waiting? Do I write once a month or so? We either need to do the legal paperwork, or he need to man up and come home...how do I address this?"

Nope. You DO NOT WAIT for a man to decide if he wants to be with you or not. YOU have a life too - so go live it. And no, you don't continue to write him and no, you don't let him come home. Why would you want to accept a man who doesn't accept you?

You hire an attorney and you let the attorney communicate with him. You step out of it, let the attorney handle it.

It doesn't matter if there are others in his life or not. The only thing that matters is that he has left you and he has behaved nefariously and been dishonest and he has not honored you as his wife with those exes of his.

A true gentleman dear - he honors his wife. He places her above ALL others. A true gentleman removes other females from his life when he finds the one he wants to be with. If a man is still permitting those other females into his life, it's because he's not honoring his wife or his marriage - and as a result, HE permitted the disintegration of his own marriage to happen.

Because had he honored it - he would've seen those other women as a possible threat to his marriage and he would've protected his marriage instead.

He's not worth it dear. Hire an attorney and attempt to move on as best you can.

Anonymous said...

MOA,
Thank you so very much for responding to me so quickly! (3-8, 2:09 am anon)
So much of me understands and agrees with the counsel you give. I am a little gray on a couple of details of what to do to move forward gracefully...May I ask a couple more questions?

If I do walk away, where would forgiveness come in? Since he hasn't ever been married, and since he's never had a really long term relationship-but he considered them all serious...but says they left him--is it possible he just doesn't understand the dynamic he's created? Is there any validity to "teaching" him how it should be done (nicely)?

What do I do with my children if I keep getting rid of the men? Their father cheated and when he wanted to go, I said good riddance (a 20 year marriage down the drain). This man now is gone, too. The message to my kids is....what?? Mom can't keep a guy? Men come and go? I'm a Sag, and we're supposed to be the flaky ones...He's the Taurus and told everyone he would NEVER leave (and never had before).
Do you ever take back a husband that leaves and stays silent for 2 months?? If so, when? Under what circumstances? He hasn't cheated...he's flirted, which I have been told by everyone "everyone does". Do I have any blame for this situation (how can I learn to not repeat??)?
What do I tell my boys?? (They all looked up to him as they never knew about the office, lies, exes, or other behavior, and he was always nice around the house.)
How do I explain this to those that are asking where he went and what's going on?

Thanks. I spent HOURS on your blog last night on just a couple of posts...fabulous site!!

2:09am anon

Anonymous said...

MOA...sorry, one last question on the Sag/Taurus marriage mess...
I have a moral issue (religious) with any divorce that doesn't involve serious abuse or physical abuse, or adultery...I have always said I would not file for divorce. I would never want my family to think I went back on that lifetime commitment. I hold marriage sacred and want my children to do so also (with those needed exceptions above). Since there is no abuse and no adultery, I have no moral grounds for divorcing him. AND HE KNOWS THIS.

So, since I won't FILE, and he's being silent, is there anyway to move this forward since it's what he wants, and I don't support it? Also, I see no reason (on a logical, not spiritual plane) for me to pay for a divorce I don't want. So, since I won't file, I am worried he will just sit and sit for months and keep me in limbo. How to prod the bull?? Knowing bulls need time to work things out (he's an introvert, a bull, a middle aged man that may be doing the mid-life crisis thing, etc.), what do I do in the meantime?
Anon 2:09
Anon 2:09am

Anonymous said...

Hey, thank so much for your reply! I made a post on February 26, 2013 at 9:51 AM.

Anyway I don't know what to do! I sent him an email, I decided I will do it. It was a really great email as my friends told me.
I basicly told him that he is acting childish by ignoring me and that he should of been honest with me, that FRIENDS don't do that to each other, that vanishing from someone without a notice is lame, but that I can't blame him. I didn't dierectly confessed my feelings to him, in the end I mentiond that this situation makes me sad, but that I am completely ok with it. I was mostly being general and beating around the bush a lot. Oh. yes and I said goodbye to him and that I am also ok if he never wants to talk to me again, that I'll appreciate it. I basiclly gave him a way out without presauring him to answer me of guilt or because he thinks he needs too.
He responded me, I didn't expect it at all. He responded me 30 minutes later apologizing he is extremly busy, always going on trips lately, every week chaning towns, that he had big drama at his job, blah, blah, blah. He said that he like to be in touch with me and that he enjoys it very much. He mentioned he wants me to be a part of his life when things settle down and that he wants it to be really soon?!

I didn't reply. I am numb for 10 days now. I don't know what to say on this issue. Did he blow me off and I am too in "love" to see it and read between the lines.
On the other hand if all he said was true, his drama he confessed it happened at his work is pretty bad and I feel sorry for him. It makes a good exuse for feeling low and shut himself down.
I just want an advice how should I respond to him. I wanted to be compasionate at first, telling him that I hope his drama will resolve soon. Then I wanted to apologize to him for molesting him with my emails, but that its the reason because I have a crush on him. And thats all. I want to confess my feeling in a nice and funny tone without any presaure.
My male friend told me I should just write him directly basicly I like you, do you like me the same way? And demanding answers.
But I can't do it.
The reason why I want to confess my feelings to him because I think I should also stop playing games and beating around the bush. I am passive, acting like I don't care then I get agressive telling him he is just my friend, but that I am annoyed by his way of ignoring me, then I start ingoring him and get cold, LOL. I am not making exuses for him, but I think I am confusing him as well.

Anonymous said...

@Aphrodite:

Went through a breakup 2 days ago and he offered friendship. I told him I'm not trying to do it out of spite, but no I can't be friends. It's too difficult for me. When he left my home, I removed him from all social media.

Yesterday, he texted saying he wished it didn't have to end and I wrote that I felt the same. He then said he hadn't felt this bad in a while in which my reply was that it hurts me too. He then said that he felt it was better now than later and that he doesn't want to hurt me nor get hurt himself. I let him know i cared for him deeply and never planned on hurting him, but that i understand and respect his decision. He wrote back - "yeah" and then i did not respond.

I want him back. The breakup was due to him feeling like we wanted different things out of life and instead of it continuing, he saw it best to end things. He said he did it for me. Were together for just 2 months.

Do you think he wants me back from this last text exchange?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anon 2:09,
"Is there any validity to "teaching" him how it should be done (nicely)?"

There's not only validity to it - it's an absolute MUST. And many men agree. Here's a piece written by a single man on the subject:

http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/04/25/do-men-ever-step-up-without-a-womans-words-or-actions/

"What do I do with my children if I keep getting rid of the men?"

You sit them down and you explain to them that it had nothing to do with THEM - and that adult problems are what caused the situation. Regretfully, this is life. And it's best to teach children while they're young that bad things happen - so that they develop the coping skills necessary to deal with the bad things that life will throw them as adults.

"The message to my kids is....what??"

Several things:

1) Bad things happen in life
2) When bad things happen, you must brush yourself off, pick yourself up and move on
3) That you stand up for yourself when someone treats you poorly, you don't sit and take it
4) Your strong and you don't permit men to treat you poorly. You lead by example, by being strong and showing them what true strength is

"Mom can't keep a guy?"

Nope. The message is that mom doesn't stand for poor treatment from a guy and roll over and play dead like a man's doormat. Mom is strong enough to walk away and demand better for herself.

"Men come and go?"

Yep. That's life dear. And if you have any daughters, these messages are DOUBLY important for them to learn and understand so that when they're adults, they do not fall into bad relationships or accept poor treatment from men.

"Do you ever take back a husband that leaves and stays silent for 2 months??"

Hell no. Not unless you want to send him a message that it's OKAY to treat you that way and that you'll stay, no matter how ignorant he is.

"He hasn't cheated...he's flirted, which I have been told by everyone "everyone does"."

Cheating doesn't matter here. The only thing that matters here is that he left you, he abandoned you and his family. And the last time I checked, that wasn't a good quality in a man's character or one that is to be trusted to stand by your side, as your "rock" at any point in the future.

"What do I tell my boys??"

You explain to them that bad things happen in life. You teach them how to cope with things like loss and grief. You show them how to be strong and you lead by example. You explain to them that what he has done is NOT the way to treat women and it has NOTHING to do with THEM. And you explain to them that if they treat women in this manner - woman will walk away. You use this as an example of how NOT to be as men.

"They all looked up to him as they never knew about the office, lies, exes, or other behavior"

Children are not stupid dear. There's no point in lying to them or attempting to hide what happened here. You might want to consider sitting them down and explaining that he had another apartment/office behind your back, that he has lied to you and that he has treated you poorly. You explain the truth and you help them to learn the skills to be strong, to distinguish right from wrong, the lesson of consequence, and how to deal and cope with loss and grief. All very necessary survival skills in life.

"How do I explain this to those that are asking where he went and what's going on?"

You tell the truth. You stop protecting the man and you start protecting yourself - by being honest with yourself and everyone else ;-)

Let HIM worry about explaining HIS actions and HIS behavior. You only need to worry about telling the truth.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anon 2:09
"Since there is no abuse and no adultery, I have no moral grounds for divorcing him."

Dear, I have a problem with this thought process. First of all, this is called "conditioning." You have been conditioned to believe that accepting poor treatment is somehow a good thing - for you, for your children and for your family.

Which is a complete and utter lie (religion aside).

You have plenty of moral grounds to divorce him:

1) He doesn't want to be with you - you can't force someone to love you or want to be with you

2) You MUST teach your children and lead by example. If you stay, all you're going to show your daughters and sons is that - they need to accept poor treatment from others.

3) You need to realize that you were not born onto this earth - to be miserable just to make another happy. Your happiness is important, you are important. You do not exist solely to please a man. Your job on this earth is not to sacrifice your happiness just to make another happy.

"So, since I won't file, I am worried he will just sit and sit for months and keep me in limbo."

Yep. That's what he'll do because that's what you're willing to accept. You're behaving as if HE is in charge - as if you don't matter and you have no say here and you're assuming the role of "victim" and "martyr" (for love) here. And it's not until YOU take control that anything will change.

"what do I do in the meantime?"

I don't know what to tell you there. Because it sounds to me like you intend to do nothing. It appears that you're willing to accept his poor treatment, send a message to your children that being treated poorly is okay, and it sounds like you're going to just sit around and wait for him - hoping that someday, he will suddenly and miraculously fall in love with you again - or love you back :-(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 9, 11:10 AM,
Regretfully, I cannot tell you what to do here dear because what I would suggest - you would not agree with.

The only way a woman knows if a man is genuinely interested or not - is to see if he pursues you. You are not willing to pull back and see if that happens and you also consider it a game. If you do not understand that people learn valuable lessons via action (not words) and consequence (no contact for ignorant treatment), then I can't help you:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

He ignores you and treats you poorly, he has vanished on you at one point and now - he's telling you that "someday" things might happen. Yet you still want to communicate with him in spite of his poor treatment and lack of genuine interest. You want to reward him with affection and attention for bad behavior - instead of delivering the appropriate consequences.

If your dog peed on the floor, would you give it a treat? No - there would be a consequence for the bad behavior.

Is that playing games? No - it's teaching the dog a valuable lesson.

The answer you seek is here in this post. If you do not with to do that or you consider it a game, regretfully, I cannot help you.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 9, 11:10 AM,
"Do you think he wants me back from this last text exchange?"

I think he needs time and space to figure out what he wants.

If he wants you back, if he's genuinely interested, he'll seek you out.

Anonymous said...

@mirror thanks for the reply. You are right about dog example, lol!

I read that article link you gave me. I wrote alomost the same thing. He said almost the same exuse, haha ironic. But now I have my eyes open, I feel better by telling him directly that I have crush on him and that he doesnt need to justify himself to me with any exuses.
Silly me I might of been coscious and considerate with him keeping options "open".
I didn't in any case want to show a vibe that I am pissed off or varnauble. I played it cool and eventhought I said I have a crush on him, I think I made it clear that it doesn't mean he can do whatever he wants. I might of been stupid for let him know that he owns me now, LOL. But...
However he gets it or understands I don't care anymore. I know he will probably contact me again or trying to make some moves to string me along as an option, if he gets bored and wants to come and see me. But I will totally ignore him and I'll be cold, because now I am finally in peace with myself by sending this last email. If a guys is into someone he will move mountains to get what he wants. And its how things should be! I doubt my guy will do it, LOL. But I'll be fine by time passing by eventually. This things opened my eyes. Thanks for your advices! Every experience makes us rich I guess.

Anonymous said...

I actually just applied the no contact rule before I read your article, but I know more of how to play it now!! Hehehehe. A guy just decided to disappear for a week. This is the very first disappearing act. But prior to that, his texts/calls was less frequent & I was mirroring, not getting back to him right away...etc.

But I made the mistake of being too available at the beginning & he would still call & text but he would make up excuses as to why they slowed down. I didn't take it too seriously that day, so later on at night I sent him a "smiley" on fb. No response...next day I let slide...following day I just sent him a hi, how are you? No answer.

This was last week & I haven't heard anything since & I HAVE NOT contacted him since either so I was already applying no contact. I just know I have to keep it going as to IGNORE, IGNORE & IGNORE some more...my question is, will this rule really work? I really want to stick it to him terribly. Thanks.

Remote

Anonymous said...

I'm not 100% sure this rule/method works with most people. I know for certain it has never "worked for" me or the people I have dated....but we have all been very analytic, scientific and downright overly-reserved people.

Every time a man pulls a no contact on me, I don't think "Has he found someone else? Is he sick of me? Where is he?" I think, "Well, he's clearly not interested. Next..." and that's the end of it 10 out of 10 times.

Alternatively, when I pull a no contact on a guy, in the hopes he comes back, he just falls off the face of the planet and is never seen again...even in cases where I know that he likes me (and I have dated enough disinterested people to know when someone really likes me). I can only assume that, like me, he analyzes the situation and decides that, since I'm not communicating with him, that I'm not interested and he too, moves on, even if I don't want him to. But I also refuse to chase so it kind of sucks for me....

As much as this rule makes sense in theory and reflects human psychology, it's not guaranteed to work for a lot of people unfortunately...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 10, 5:01 AM,
"my question is, will this rule really work?"

Well that depends on the level of interest the man has in the woman dear. It will work on a genuinely interested man. It may not work on a "half interested" man. It all depends on how interested he is.

As a result, I suggest using NC as a way to help YOURSELF - and not necessarily to get him back. Although that can happen, the beauty of NC is that it helps the woman detach, think logically, become independent, learn to set healthy boundaries, learn to look out for herself and most importantly - learn to develop healthy ways of coping with rejection, loss and grief.

It's more about self-discipline, setting boundaries and looking out for yourself - and not permitting a man to run you over and leave you for dead, like roadkill ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 10, 10:51 AM,
"I'm not 100% sure this rule/method works with most people."

Very true. Nothing is a guarantee in life and it all depends on the level of interest the man has in the woman. A genuinely interested man will express a desire to work things out. A half interested man may make one or two lame attempts - and then disappear - or never make any attempts.

It all depends on the interest level of the man.

"when I pull a no contact on a guy, in the hopes he comes back, he just falls off the face of the planet and is never seen again"

That's unfortunate. We tested this theory once in a different post on this site, where women provided the number of men they've dated and the number of men that returned after no contact. Surprisingly, we found that approximately 90% of the men returned at some point.

While many did not end up in relationships, it was clear - many men returned.

And it is unfortunate that you have not experienced a genuinely interested man that was willing to return :-(

"it's not guaranteed to work for a lot of people unfortunately"

Nope, it's not. As I've stated, nothing in life is a guarantee. And the real purpose for it is to help the woman gauge the level of interest the man has in her - but more importantly, rather than using it to get a man back, I suggest using it to help the woman detach, think logically, become independent, learn to set healthy boundaries, learn to look out for herself and most importantly - learn to develop healthy ways of coping with rejection, loss and grief.

And not every woman will need this. Some women have experienced self-growth and developed a healthy self-esteem and are capable of logical (not emotional) thinking when it comes to men.

But there are many women who have not developed those skills within themselves as of yet. And those are the one's that NC can help. If you read the comments in this thread here:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/06/disappearing-reappearing-man-what-to-do.html

You will see many, many stories and examples of the positive effects that NC can have for women in doing so - gradually moving them from a state of co-dependence and low self-esteem - into a healthy state of independence and a higher sense of value and self-worth :-)

Anonymous said...

Hello, this is Remote, anon @ 5:09. Thank you for your response. Of course I am doing it for my own sanity & to build myself up, but I want to get even. I do feel a sense of empowerment though because I know he's wondering why I'm not chasing him. Not as available as ya thought eh buddy? Lol.

I'm still fb friends with him though. Do you think it's a good idea to keep him as a friend but just not interact with him? It seems he was very interested. Attentive, initiated contact, asked me out, he even kissed my forehead twice!! He would also share intimate details about himself. I liked him too

Anonymous said...

I got cut off, I was saying I like him too but my attraction has heightened since the disappearance, but he doesn't know it. :) what do you think? Thanks.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
I wouldn't worry about getting even, LOL. Setting out with "ill" intention towards someone has a tendency to create bad karma for the individual sending that intention.

Karma has a way of correcting these things dear. So know that and have faith - he will receive his karma much like the rest of us receive ours ;-)

As far as Facebook, that's up to you. If you think it'll do you good to not see what's going on his life (so you don't FB stalk him, LOL) then feel free to rectify that by removing him.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your response. I know, I probably will send out bad Karma & that's not my intention at all. I just wanted him to feel it a little. No, I won't delete him. I'm strong in that area of not fb stalking. I don't view his page at all & I also don't want to seem childish either.

I asked what you think as far as his interest level was. I know that you can't know what he's thinking, of course not. But from your perspective does that sound like half interest or full interest?

I'm really getting alot of revelations lately though, but it still sucks

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
I can't really say dear...it's a 50/50 situation.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for your advice & article. I've learned what I was doing wrong! Thanks for the insight!

Anonymous said...

I messed things up I believe...

After I applied the no contact rule, after a week, he texted me asking me to call him. I called him and he didn't respond. After like half an hour I was in our local spectacle hall with some friends and he came there too. He apologized that he didn't respond to my call because he was talking wit someone else, and then he took a seat next to me and my friends. Two hours he tried to talk to me but I mostly ignored him and laughed with my friends and stuff.. Then he just left without even saying good bye to me.
I talked with him via text the same night and he told me that I made him feel humiliated by my behavior towards him, in public, with others around.

Well, he has a big ego, generally... And I think I really upset him..
So I felt so bad that after two days I texted him and asked him what he's doing. He talked like nothing happened, like he wasn't upset. So I asked him if he's free the next day, because I want to talk to him. He said that the next day he'll get a tattoo and he didn't know how long it will take. I asked him to announce me if he could go out with me or not. He said yes and that I made him curious...

Imagine what happened, the next day he never called or texted me...
I don't know what to do...

Anonymous said...

I forgot to mention, he asked me how long I intend to stay mad at him...(after I did the no contact)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Many men attempt to make things easy on themselves. When they do that, you don't fold and give in. You stand your ground.

You don't contact them, you don't go to them, you don't pressure them...the point of no contact is to draw the man to YOU. So when he contacts you and wants to talk, you don't go running to him and give away your power like that. You invite HIM to call YOU. You reply by saying, "Sure I'd like to talk, gimmie a call sometime when you'd like to."

And you don't fall pret to him emptionally manipulating you with guilt. Why feel sorry for a man who treats you so poorly? He doesn't feel sorry for you when he ignores you. You cannot give in so easily dear or you're going to get run over here. This is going to be uncomfortable, change always is, and it requires strength...you're going to have to summon it up.

Also, bear in mind...the point of no contact is to see if the man misses you, contacts you and makes time for you and proves himself...through repeated attempts (over 30 day period).

If you jump and respond to his first attempt...you break the process. True no contact is for 30 days...no contact, no response.

You have to commit to it and stand strong...or it will have no chance of working :-(

Anonymous said...

So you think that I did wrong by jumping on his first attempt? What should I do? Applying the no contact again? I am pretty mad that he promised he would tell me if he can go out or not, and he didn't... He told me I made him curious, but then... I still feel guilty for my behavior, he thinks I am mad at him...

He told me that he's on the run, that he's not stable anymore, that the last serious relationship he had, messed him up and destroyed his last hope of finding someone... That whatever was between us, and whatever is, and whatever I have in my head, I must maintain the appearances, because it's not good for people around me to know how I really feel. He also said that a face to face discussion would be more ok than treating him badly in public..

And then, after three days, I proposed this and the "date" never happened... Yesterday we should have met up to talk and I still don't have any sign from him. But he's posting things on facebook and stuff... I don't know what should I do :(

Anonymous said...

This is the best advice and website!
We're both 37 (never married). He's a Libra and I'm a Leo. We dated for about six weeks - he seemed very into me- and he freaked out - not sure if he wants to get married/have kids, all his other relationships ended because the women were ready to marry and he wasn't, doesn't want to waste my time. Can you say, totally jumping ahead!? I responded calmly and we talked about dialing it back and a week later he texted about going on a date but still sounded ambivalent. I was going to be out of town anyway and suggested he not worry about me right now and take care of the stuff going on in his life (his business was having major issues), told him he knew how to reach me. Been over two weeks, no contact either way and no acknowledgement of my message that time. I'm super proud I didn't contact him again. So what do I do if I hit 30 days and no contact from him? Am I free to contact him at that point or just leave it? I'm certain (whether he is interested or not) he has noticed I haven't been in touch. I'm the type who would have been. Any special advice for dealing with indecisive Libra males?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous March 12, 4:50PM,
The choice is yours. You can stand your ground and use no contact to make him realize he misses you and actually cares for you.

Or you can run to him, give your power away, and provide him the opportunity to treat you poorly and emotionally manipulate you with guilt.

He ignored you because you jumped - and when you jumped, you reassured him that he has you, right where he wants you. And when he knows that, he takes you for granted and treats you poorly.

It's time for him to receive consequences for his poor treatment:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous March 12, 6:15,
The choice is yours after 30 days. Wait to decide until then because at that time, without any contact from him, you may change your mind and not even be interested anymore.

Stay calm and give him plenty of space and time. I have a feeling hell seek you out when he's ready. But it won't be overnight. It may be a month or so.

Be patient with him and see what he does :-)

Anonymous said...

I met this guy at a summer camp, it was only 2 and a half motnhs but we saw each other basically everyday since we worked in the office together. i knew he liked me from the begining but wanted it to go slow and maybe be friends first. i dont think he liked this because he started doing the mean thing, where he was mean to me. but i just felt he was too eager for me which made me wonder what his intentions were. he ended up starting to talking to another girl which made me increedibly sad and i cried to my friend about it. even though i hadnt known him for long i had a strong feeling for him and it hurt that hed give up and go to another girl so easily and she happened to be another one of my good friends so it made it awkward to hangout with them both. then the tables turned and she ditched him for another guy. one night everyone at camp was hanging out and me and him began to talk. i told him about what a burn it was that he jsut gave up on me and went for her(i had no intention with being with him after that, thats why i felt comfortable telling him this). he said he tried for me and chased me but i just didnt give him the time of day. from then on he was incesantly trying to hangout with me, like every night. I told him i wanted to hangout with other people from work to so didnt hangout with him every night. he also had a girlfriend still when we first met, but shortly after-- when one night we were hanging out and he wanteed to hook up with me, i said no because he has a girlfriend( he had explained it was an open relationship becaue it is long distance, her living in europe and him living in florida) he said she had broken up with him a few days before and so we did end up being... intimate. summer is a good memory bc we hungout often and di romantic things like wed have wine outside with the fireflies and talk, he always pushed to have sex with me though and alot of the time id make an excuse to go home but sometimes we would.as summer went on we got closer and closer. hanging out on our breaks going into town, and sneaking to one of the storage closets to have a quick kiss. I could tell he liked me a lot and i always got butterflies he said he did too. But the thing is that he is a bit of a hippie and travels the world. he never spent money on me when we went out, it was always 50/50 or you buy this time i buy next time. no special treats from him. also hed ask me to hangout past camps kerfuw which i could and did get in trouble for.. but he didt seem to care much guilting me sayig that he just wanted to spend time with me. it went on like that except he never told anyone he no longer had a girlfriend ao everyone thought i was dating him while he was still with her. i told him it bothered me and he made excuses but never said anyhting to peple at work. he also never added me on facebook. when summer ended along with our jobs we went our seperate ways me moving to dc and him trvaeling but talking everyday(him intiating always). he said he wanted to visit before he went to germany but at that point somthing happened again where i felt he didnt have my best interst at heart(not going into thst long detail) and so i broke it off with him. no contact.he came back a month later with an email/love letter saying how he was falling hard for me and it hurt that i accused him of what i did(employing guilt again). I accepted him back.
@summercampgirl

Anonymous said...

@summercampgirl continued..

he called and texted and mesaged me all the time every day, but it started to get to the poitn where i was wondering if hed commit. one day hesaid, "so what are we?" then it was back and for but i was pretty much like i dont know what do you want. he said "he wanted to lock me in a cave" until he got back, and i said fine haha i will if you are'too. so then he asked aian, "so what are we" and i was like if we both arent seeing other ppl doesnt that make us exclusive? i felt forced into saying the owrds and he wouldnt. then he said he sortve thinks he maybe loves me but never fully said the words i love you. again i felt insecure about wha he said and a week later said if you dont want to be exclusive its fine we can be free to see other people. he said okay whatever you want-- that he was suprised i had "said that first"(the exclusive thing) and that he had just planned on being together when he was back. so i felt uncomfortable like he didnt want to cmmit to me and be with other girls while he traveled and i didnt want to waste anymore time on him so i broke up/ended it again. he said he though i was a little craz the whole time and goodbye and be safe. i told him have a good life and meant it.. not in a mean way. then 3 months later he contacted me again. and shortly after invited me to his friends wedding in florida to where id need to buy a plane ticket and whaever else a girl needs to go to a wedding. i didn want to bc i thought he should at least pay for my icket. a week later i asked him why he never paid for anything, added me in fb or made me feel special. he said he could turn those all around on me, that i couldve added him and that hes just not big on money and showing he cares that way. he then agreed to pay for half my ticket and asked me if i wanted to add him on fb. i didnt want to make a fuse so i sent him the request he accpeted. before the wedding he mentioned how he was planing on moving to the west coast and then i began to wonder what the point of me visiting was when id likely not ever live near him again(he had mentioned when we were talking before, before i broke up with him that he wanted to move where i was and be close to me) so it wasnt the case now. i got cold feet and began to question him again, then one day i heard another girl in the background talking about how she had/wanted to hook up with him-- a girl from his work.. and he acted very guilty but i could not her her words eactly so though it hurt badly i shrugged it off and still went to the wedding. he said before i went, because that insident turned into a hug fight here he accused me of being rediculous-- and turned it around and said that "maybe we are not for each other" and we fight too much. but i still went bc i dint want to be like what if i had gone- if i didnt go. he acted like aperfect gentelmen while i was there and we had a great time. whe only got a littl intimate then i felt him pulling away the last day i was there and acting like a friend. when i got back to dc we talked and he pretty much dumped me saying he doesnt want to do long distance, he did it before and it isnt good for him. he said he still liked me and is attracted to me but doesnt want to lead me on or hurt me and just doesnt want long distance.. the worst words a guy can say. he then asked me a week later "do you still want to keep in contact, or would you prefer if i went away?"

Anonymous said...

@summercamp girl again

that question also hurt bc it just insinuates hed be fine with going away.i asked him what he wanted-- then we agreed to be friendly and that he would come visit in a month. i felt like i was clinging to it and possibly obligating him to keep in contact, and it hurt bc he was acting just like a freind, and uniterested in things i said. but he always initiated contact just not as often as before.then out of respect i told him we shouldnt keep in contact and that i was sorry bc it was jsut hard for me. havent been in contact since, its been about a month. but i loved him and am wondering if he is worth it, that he is worth even hoping he will come back. he was so different and i love traveling and the yoga hippie lifestyle he has and he is like a genious, but what he said is hard to swallow because it just sounds like the end. he treid so hard and kept coming back before but now he says im mean, and we "speak different languages". he travels often and may or may not move to dc in the future from what he says but wants to start settling down in the nextt year. so i just wonder i really miss him and apreciated his influence in my life. be he seems selfish and lazy when it came to other things in our relationship. if it helps he is a taurus and i am a cancer. hes 29 im 23. can i hope for anything. what can i do? i have done no contact so many times and he has come back bu this time is different. it hurts more.

angel said...

So here is my question...Does no contact really work? My sitation is complicated....We broke up a 2 months ago and like litterly 3 days later i found out i was pregnant and we been talking and stuff i even wen to go visit him and he's in the military doing school...anyways the reason we broke up is because we only dated 6 month and i was pushing it and i now realize i was just scared and didn't want to loose him so i asked him to marry me like 4 times when i was drunk of course hanging out wtih friends and now he thinks thats all i really want and i pushed too hard and i dont know how to fix it...were on good terms and we both love each other we talked about getting back together but nothing i say/do is working so if i try the no contact rule will it actually work?

Anonymous said...

The no contact rule applies even when you're not in a relationship? I mean, I went on dates with this guy, and we kissed and held hands. And we talked for 5 months now, on-off. I couldn't consider him my boyfriend, or me his girlfriend. I'm kind of afraid that I could lose him for real.. I mean, when I did the no contact before he usually came around, but I don't know...

Anonymous said...

Hey! I'm Anonymous March 12, 4:50PM. Thanks for the response! I read the article, it's amazing, I love it! So you think I was right to treat him like this? You don't think I acted badly and he's right to be mad at me?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Angel,
There are no guarantees in life, but yes, it works...on men that are genuinely interested. That's the whole point...gauging the mans interest level.

If he leaves and doesn't care, why would you want to be with him anyway then?

If you read through the comments here on the "disappearing/reappearing" man post, you'll see examples of no contact in action ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi, you say here to apply the 30 day rule of NC when a man disappears right? But in some of your other articles you also say when disappears & then reappears to apply NC for 3 days. Then in one article you say to act like you're unphased, but in another it gave a scenario of how a woman applied it to 3 days of NC & she let him know how she felt about the disappearance. Can you please clarify? Thank you. *confused*

Anonymous said...

I blocked him and ignored him - on the eighth day, he showed up on my doorstep. I answered. We go through this same cycle all the time, and he just can't seem to go past day 8. I don't know that he realizes its day 8, but that the time frame. Now I'm back to blocking/ignoring again because of his behaviors. Should I refrain from answering the door next time? I'm on day 7 so i expect contact again soon. I really want to be done, but I'm addicted. And to what, I don't know, cause he is a textbox DSM-V diagnosed narcissist per all of my research.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous March 14, 4:21,
Well this is where individuality and free will come into play dear. Everyone's circumstances are different and each individual is different.

These are only my suggestions - the rest is up to the woman. Sometimes the guy hasn't completely disappeared, he's only been taking advantage. Other times, women aren't comfortable or strong enough for the full 30 days yet.

It really all depends on the individuals involved, the level of interest, the mans behavior and the woman's choice :-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous March 14, 11:46,
I don't recommend jumping on a mans first few attempts because he learns and becomes conditioned to the fact that the consequence for his treatment of you is simply a week "off" from the relationship and then when he's done having fun...all he has to do is call and/or stop over and all is well.

It really doesn't show him an "end" and it gives him nothing to fear. He doesn't fear losing the woman because he knows she'll still be there.

And it's the fear that compels a man to realize he needs to change his treatment of the woman if she's to remain in his life.

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA,

I wrote on March 8th @ 4:55pm. Went through the breakup about a week ago. I'd like to know your thoughts.

Following the last exchange. No contact from either one of us.

Thanks so much!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
A man that is genuinely interested will seek a woman out. He will do whatever is necessary to repair what is broken. He will attempt to "win" the woman over and he will contact her and pursue her in order to do so.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@SummerCampGirl,
A man that is genuinely interested will seek you out. If he is genuinely interested, he'll step up to the plate and he'll seek you out.

I fear he's requesting friendship to keep his options open, as a "Plan B" of sorts. In which case, he'll attempt to string you along.

You can do anything you like, but I don't suggest chasing him as he'll only reject you and cause you more pain at this point. I'd wait to see if he seeks you out and expresses a genuine interest :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Again,

I left you a message on:
March 4, 2013 at 11:54 PM

So he contacted me this past Wednesday. I was i a fitness class and missed it. It was a text message: Hello beautiful. Hope all is well!. That's what he sent. SO I didn't respond until 24 hours after. Like, WOW, that's all? Not even remembering that YOU said you would call me last the Wednesday before and said (I will call you TODAY). But didn't? So I responded, after 24 hours, Hi I'm doing well. Hope all is well with you, too.

No response.

You're right, I think there is a genuine interest, but he's only half-interested. I really want to tell him the next time he contacts me or just do the 30-day thing. I want to know if this is going somewhere or not. As in what are his intentions?

How to proceed?

I told him that I'd like for him to be honest because I don't toy around with feelings. SIGH

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Do not tell him anything - no words, only action. Confronting him will only send him away for good.

You don't have to ask him if this is going anywhere or not dear - clearly, it's not. And his ACTIONS are indicative of this.

If I were you, I'd use no contact:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

And I'd deliver consequences to him for his poor treatment of me, via actions, not words:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

Whatever said...

Dear Mirror
I've been doing no contact for 6 days but my situation is a bit difficult. I'm pregnant with this guys baby but he told me there is no chance of being together but then had been acting like we are together but not committing to definite times to see me and we'd just been sleeping together. He would message me all day long but I felt like I wasn't a priority and he'd just see me as a back up plan. So I have decided I can't deal with this situation. He previously told me he loved me even though he doesn't want me to have his child. Given my situation will non contact work? What do I do if he asks me about when the next scan of the baby is?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Whatever,
In this case dear, do not use no contact to win him back - USE IT FOR YOURSELF. Use it to detach, use it to focus on yourself and the birth of your child and use it to protect yourself and your unborn child here.

I strongly recommend doing so, for yourself and your child.

I'm not judging, so please know that. But this situation angers me. It angers me when I see men treating women and their own unborn/born children as disposable and unwanted.

Get the hell away from him dear - for yourself and your child. You may think that having this man in your life is going to be what's best for this child, but let me tell you, I've seen this time and time again. Which is why I warn women to be extremely choosy about whom they sleep with - women have much more at risk when mating than men do. Women need to realize that any man they sleep with, can become the father of their child - a man that they are then attached to for life. Which is why it's not a choice to be taken lightly.

And you know what a man like this brings into a child's life? The same thing he's brought into yours:

1) Grief
2) Pain
3) A feeling of being rejected
4) A feeling of being unwanted
5) A feeling of being unloved

Do you want your child to feel the same way as you do right now? I hope not.

DO NOT permit ANY of that to enter the life of your unborn child dear. Stop worrying about him and detach and focus on yourself and your child. Leave him to his own devices.

If he wants to be a father to this child, then that's a different story - he'd be expressing a "willingness" there. But as it stands, he clearly wants none of this and he is "unwilling" to fulfill his manly or fatherly role here. So if that's the case, I suggest you think of yourself and your child first - worry about him later, if at all.

If he asks when the next scan of the baby is, tell him. Don't invite him. If he expresses a desire to be there, then welcome him to join you. However, if he doesn't express a desire to be there - then he's doing you a favor so let him be. Because the reality is, you don't want all this negativity he's emitting to interfere with the happiness that should be waiting for a child upon birth.

Remove and reject negativity - welcome and embrace the positive.

So if he's negative, remove him and reject him. If he's positive, welcome him and embrace his willingness.

But either way, you're priority right now should be:

1) Yourself
2) Your unborn child
3) Your survival after the birth of your child
4) The support of your family and friends for you and this child
5) Surrounding this child with happiness, love and acceptance from day one
6) Him

And in that order dear. He's low on the list and that's because - he's placed HIMSELF THERE.

This is a horrible way for a man to behave. He is an pitiful example of a man. He deserves to be shown consequences for his actions and his poor treatment of others:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

I would not spend another ounce of wasted time focusing on this man. I would spend my time wisely by focusing on myself and the upcoming birth of my child. This man has failed you and if he continues like this, he will fail your child too.

Spare yourself and your child from that. Stand strong as a woman and begin to surround yourself and this baby with happiness, love, acceptance and positive energy. Remove any and all things that cause pain and/or negative energy and feelings.

Because you have to realize that what you feel right now - is also what your unborn child is feeling. As a result, it's imperative that you conciously surround yourself with only the positive - and remove the negative.

Whatever said...

Dear Mirror
Thank you so much for your reply. I do feel bad in that I am no angel in this scenario but didn't want to expand into full details earlier. I actually had an affair with this man while I was still married so I am deserving to be feeling pain. This guy wanted me to leave my husband so I could be with him. Now the situation is out in the open and I am no longer with my husband his preferred option is for me not to have his child and he has said although he loves me it doesn't help if he tells me this as it gives me false hope we will be together. He did come to the first scan of the baby and was acting like we were together, even talking about names. He has said he does want to be a good father and part of the baby's life but the reason I stopped talking to him was after a friend asked him if it was true I was pregnant he started attacking me about choosing to have the baby and how his friend was asking if it was planned and a joint decision etc. So he's been giving me mixed signals by accepting I'm having the baby and then calling me selfish for having it. Does everything you said above still apply? We were seeing each other for over a year and we were in love (or I thought we were) but perhaps he has been using me all along.

Thank you for your comments I am trying hard to get rid of negativity. Please don't judge me for what I have done. Things weren't right with my marriage and I was trying for months to separate with my husband but he wouldn't acknowledge it.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Whatever,
I'm not judging you dear...everything still applies, even more so now hearing the history here. One minute he wants you to leave your husband for him, the next, he treats you as disposable when you do.

He calls you selfish for giving life...but views himself an angel for wanting you to end that life? Unbelievable. I'd say his wanting to terminate the pregnancy is selfish.

Bottom line dear, this is his "stuff." He's having issues with guilt and shame I believe. He can't take the questions like a man. He's trying to place blame like a little boy.

Don't take on his issues as your own. They're his and his alone.

Anonymous said...

Hi Aphrodite,

this is in response to your response:
March 16, 2013 at 9:08 AM

So, that also means block him from FB?

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
I recently met a guy through a friend and we went on dates a couple of times. He kissed me and even made me soup from scratch when I was sick. Everything was going great until his sister came into town to visit. Since then, texting and calls were reduced. I initiated the texts that week and he responded. That weekend, he went out of town and no calls or texts were made. When he came back from his trip, he called me and we talked for a bit. The next day, I texted him but no response. It has been a week with no response.. is he using the NCR on me or is he just not interested in me anymore?

Whatever said...

Thank you so much Mirror. It really helps hearing an impartial view and although I still have feelings for him I know I cannot take on his issues. For a long time he has tried to blame his behaviour on me and I will no longer accept it. He is also using it as an excuse that if 'we got found out' that would mean we couldn't be together. This is because he worked for my husband (were loose friends) and my husband sacked him. He has sorted his job situation out now and is actually better off not working for my husband. Anyway, I will keep reading what you have advised me to stay strong - the embracing the positive extremely helps. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. You are wonderful :-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Well that's up to you dear. If it complicates matters for you, then yes, feel free to do so.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous March 17, 1:42AM,
It's hard to say at this point. The only way you're going to know is if he pursues you. Don't contact him, wait to see if he contacts YOU.

In the meantime, attempt to move on with your life since he's disappeared without explanation. Begin to casually (no sex) date other men, begin spending time with friends and begin doing nice things for yourself that make you happy. Change your hairstyle or color, get your nails done, buy yourself some new clothing or jewelry and begin enjoying a hobby or activity that you once did.

Begin being good to yourself and loving yourself - that way, if he doesn't reappear, you're feeling strong enough and happy enough and have a fulfilling life so that you don't really notice his absence :-)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for taking the time to respond to my post! I do need to be good to myself and enjoy what I do have and will have :)
I forgot to mention that the guy is a Taurus. I came upon the article "experiences with a Taurus male" and I feel that he has these characteristics that were stated in the article. I don't know if that changes or adds anything about the situation that I am in but I am now wondering if he really is just sitting back and waiting for me to make the move...

Anonymous said...

Please help! Day 5 of no contact. We met 8 days ago and really hit it off. So much that we spent the next day together(He lives in another state). I admit, I was little nervous and I might have talked a little bit too much. But right before he left, he asked me to come visit him. I got a text from him when he got home, thanking me for spending the day with him. That was the last I heard of him. I waited three days and sent him a "hello, how are you?" text. He replied, but I noticed he didn't ask me how I was doing or anything like that (which I thought was inconsiderate). He hinted he was having a hard week, so I said "goodnight; enjoy the rest of your week". To which he replied "I hope yours is better than mine". I haven't heard from him since then. I'm trying not to make the same mistakes I've made in the past by initiating communication all the time. But I'm so gutted! We had such a good time the night we met, laughed and goofed off about a lot of things. Why did he ask to see me the next day if he had no intentions of carrying on the communication when he left? I'm not dreaming of together forever with him, but I'd have loved to see where this went. I really liked what we had for those few hours. What do I do? Move on and forget about him? Or try to find out why he's been quiet?

Anonymous said...

Oh I forgot to mention he's a leo and I'm a gemini.

Madame X said...

It's an ex-BF, we messaged each other often, me mostly initiating. LOL (Figures right?) Anywho... I wanted to see how long it would take him to initiate contact after I answered him. It's been 62 days. He has no idea where I am, well, city and state ya, but no phone #, no address, I know those about him (same #, same place - 13 years). And I imagine he still thinks I live with a guy, which I do, but strictly platonic, ex. I "LOVE" messages from him, looks like it'll never be more than that, so I can chat as a friend then, huh? Cause I guess it's a lost cause. So no problem then saying, "Hello, how are you?” I'd rather have him as a friend, than NOTHING. I'll just love him for life, and keep it to myself. (Shrug)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous March 18, 8:44PM,
You're commenting on a post about "no contact" and your attempting to use "no contact" but you're here asking if you should contact the man to find out why he's been quiet, LOL??

Doesn't his silence already provide the answer to that question dear?

You literally spent only a few hours with this man. If he wants a second date, he'll invite you out for one. If he doesn't, you accept it gracefully and you move on :-)

Anonymous said...

Wow, this is a great post. I'm glad I found it. My situation is that I started communicating with a guy online for about two months. During that time we communicated every day, but due to a two hour distance and both our busy schedules it took a little while to meet. Well, I finally was able to drive down to his town while also visiting friends, and we met and I thought that we had a pretty intense connection. We went to the movies and dinner and ended up sharing some rather passionate kisses, hand holding and hair stroking. All of the affection just seemed like the natural culmination of two months of a lot of talking, flirting and lots of picture exchanging. That night we both seemed to be very attracted to one another. At the end of the night I told him how much I enjoyed his company and asked him would we'd it again. At that point he kissed me intensely once more and then said "What do you think?" before asking me the quickest way to get to my area because he talked about driving up. We hada few more minutes of conversation and then parted ways so that I could go spend the night with friends who I had also been in town to see that weekend. Naturally, we departed with me thinking that all was well and that this may be the start to something more. He texted me when he got home and mentioned something about how he didn't want the night end and that he enjoyed my kisses. I texted him back saying that I had a good time and goodnight. Well, the next evening I texted him just to inquire about his day and he read the message the next day as indicated by my read receipt feature but never responded back. It has been over a month now and I have not heard from him, nor have I attempted to contact him. I am totally confused but never tried to get an explanation from him. I am not the type to chase a man and this was one of the things that he commented on while we were talking for two months. He would say that he was doing all the contacting and that I never reached out to him first. Do you think that he's expecting me to make more of an effort by contacting HIM again or should I continue with no contact? The unanswered questions are driving me nuts, as I got NO closure. Also, he knew that me ultimate goal was a relationship and that I was not looking for something casual/physical. What gives.
-Ariana

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Ariana,
Unfortunately, nothing in life is a guarantee dear. Things happen. And when they do, you don't stop living. You stand strong, gracefully accept that things did not work out, and you move on.

You don't need closure...you've already received it. Use the lesson for the next opportunity.

When a woman lets a man pursue her, then after dating suddenly her behavior changes and SHE begins pursuing HIM (contacting him), men have a tendency to experience diminished interest....because its the same thing over and over with women that they experience...woman lets them pursue, he dates her, woman changes and begins pursuing him.

Don't contact him unless you want to possibly face more rejection. Gracefully accept that things didnt work for whatever reason and move on, begin dating other men and absorb the lesson for next time is all :-)

Anonymous said...

My ex gf and I were on LDR for 6months, but I started ignoring her and stopped appreciating her that's why I think she broke up with me. She cut all the communication and after a month she texted me saying she's sorry and that she hopes that I would be happy and that I would find the right girl for me and that she changed her number and that it would be her last text. What does that mean? I did not respond to her. Do I need to continue NC to get her back or do I have to make actions now. It's already 3weeks of my NC with her and 1 week after she sent the last message she sent me. Please help. Thanks!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
I'm going to assume that you're a man (and that this isn't a same sex relationship, which if it is, please correct me).

And if that's the case, I think you know what needs to be done:

"I started ignoring her and stopped appreciating her that's why I think she broke up with me."

A genuinely interested man will seek a woman out. And a genuinely interested man will also seek to make things right, if he is in any way responsible for what took place.

And sometimes. . .women pull back and cease contact hoping that the man will "man up" and step forward and do the right thing.

If I were you, I wouldn't contact her right away. Words are just words. I'd take some sort of "action" with her and I'd make a grand, romantic gesture of some sort. Something that'll really make her smile and make her feel like she's valuable to you - something unexpected. Like sending her flowers with a short, "I'm sorry" on the card.

And then wait to see if she contacts you ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi there, I wish I read / knew about your articles longtime ago. Just so you know, I am new to dating in North America & unfortunately this man was my first. I'm Sag. met Sag. on an online dating website, we had sex on the 2nd date, he is everything I'v always wanted in a man, I opened up ( he kept asking questions ) & I was 200% honest with him about anything he'd ask, he is such a gentleman & I really really still like him a lot,anyways, we had sex for three times in total over couple of weeks, the whole 'relationship' length is one month, he came to my place 3 times, I went to his place twice, last time I was at his place I spent the night there, I went drunk & stupid, I told him I love him so much, he couldn't hv sex with me,he started but never get an O, he apologized and told me that it's becoz he had a muscle relaxant due to his back pain, next morning I kissed him good bye & I told him I will leave it to him to contact me ( Just so you know one of the stupidest thing I told him before I got drunk was : look at me, do you think that I'm really would throw myself over you, why would I? I am beautiful, I am smart & the reason I'm still hanging out with you is because I wanna learn & I told him that he's my first I'm dating that's why I didn't know about dating rules and that my only reference is to gather information from the internet ), then when I got drunk, I started playing love songs to him, all this was before I told him I love you so much & before I asked him why would you choose to be alone meanwhile you have somebody who really cares about you .. I also told him that it's important for his next relationships to show the woman some interest, to flatter her, then I went completely stupid told him I love him so much, kissing passionately, went to bed and as I said he didn't come .... next morning we tried in the morning he couldn't even hv an erection ( I think it was becoz I told him I love him the night before) anyways, I went outside, brought us both breakfast spent a little time together, then as I said I told him I'd leave it for him to contact me.

Anonymous said...

Continue, ...
4 days later I didn't hear anything from him so I called him, it went to his voice mail (of course), told him that I was just checking how he is doing & wanted to say hi, 3 & half hours later I lost it, I sent him a text :
" Hi, I hope I didn't upset you by leaving a voice mail this morning. Are you mad at me? (you previously said you wont ignore me) Did I hurt you in anyway? I know I said a lot of BS last Saturday .. I tried to talk to you on Sunday but you never got back to me. Pls do let me know. ls know that I am not forcing myself (as a fun co.) upon you. but if you ever respected/liked me I believe giving an honest/direct answer wont be too much! Looking forward hearing from you. A call/ a text / or an email will do! wishing you always the best of luck & the bestest woman who'd appreciate you the most" 20 min later he replied me :
"good morning, I hvn't had the chance to return your voicemail yet this morning. On Sunday you said you'd leave it to me to contact you, since I was not on the same level as you were. It is not fair of me to hang out with you when you are that much more into me than I am into you ( another good point you made). I am just using this week for space, as you asked me to"
I text after asking him if I can call, he told me he'll let me know when he can talk, I also texted him that I'm close to his area & I asked him if I can stop by, he replied that a phone call is a better idea, I replied as you wish, one hour later he texted me that he's ready for me to call him, I did, I apologized abt the bs I said while I was drunk, I told him people say stupid stuff when they are drunk, he made it clear that he doesn't want to keep me around because he is not the same level & that I should keep my options opened, I told him I am keeping my options opened & I thought we can be friends & hang out casually, then I asked him so you are asking for break now, he said yes, then I asked him ( which is true )that then I'll have to wait to hear from him, he said yes this is how it goes here & this is what it means when people say they want a break, I didn't get upset over the phone, I told him that he should not feel guilty because hanging out with him after him telling me that he is tasting the water & that he wants to make sure this time he is in a long tern committed relationship for the right reasons, was my own option & that I'd never feel bad that he deceived me or lied to me because he didn't ( which is the truth), then we said goodbyes,

Anonymous said...

Continue....
half an hour later I texted him
" Last honest question please, are you really taking a break or you are actually ending the whole thing ? ( I feel so silly saying that considering that there was never 'a thing' from your side), I've always loved your honesty, if this what you eventually want, you don't have to wait, or you really wanna think abt it ?"
half an hour later he replied me
" That's what I have to figure out. It's probably and end, but I have to figure out if I can maintain friendship with your strong feelings"
Of course I went crazy, looked up on the internet, lol read an article that this might be a good sign & that I can actually win him back by few words, sent him an email saying that he gave me a whole new meaning to my life, that I was never mistaken that I cared about him becoz he proves every single time how honest he is with me, last words were that any woman he'd choose to be with she'd be the luckiest one on earth, also told him that I respect him enough to be patient & to wait to hear from him, and that no matter what his decision is I'll be ok with it, coz I am already OK.
Now, it has been 16 days since then, I'v never tried contact him after that, nor received anything from him, I do miss him every single day, I do still love him, I know it's stupid, crazy, insane, he was just so honest & pure I even loved him more for it, do you think he'll ever contact me again ? I am not over him yet, he asked when we talked over the phone to start looking for somebody I told him I will, it just takes time to get over people you liked ..
Do you think there is a hope ? Can I fix that ?
I know I pushed him away by saying I loved him, I was drunk & I should hv never said that, but when I think about it, I think it's better to have the guts to know upfront before getting even more & more attached to him. Please tell me is there is a hope ? If yes, please guide me
Sandra

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry I made it long, I just think that if you know a bit details, you might be able to have a better idea.
Sandra

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Sandra,
"I think it was becoz I told him I love him the night before"

Yes, I would agree.

"so I called him"

NEVER do that dear. Read this piece below, written by a man:

http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/dont-initiate-contact.html

"I also texted him that I'm close to his area & I asked him if I can stop by, he replied that a phone call is a better idea"

Honey, I really hate to say this - but you're behaving very desperate and needy here, which regretfully, is a big turnoff to a man. I'm sorry :-(

You're pursuing him, when HE should be pursuing YOU. You're taking the lead role (masculine) and you're being the aggressor here. You're not permitting him to be the man and this began as a "hookup" - as a result, it will never become a relationship because the courtship phase was never permitted to happen:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/courtship-dating-benefits.html

"I am keeping my options opened & I thought we can be friends & hang out casually"

Honey, you need to align your behavior with your thoughts. Telling someone you love them on the 3rd or 4th day is NOT keeping your options open and it's NOT casual - it's indicative of a relationship, not causal dating.

"I asked him so you are asking for break now"

See what I mean? When casually dating, you don't need a break. But this turned into a relationship overnight in your mind and now, he needs a break :-(

"he said yes this is how it goes here"

Men like to be MEN dear - let them.

"half an hour later I texted him"

Honey, please don't do this. Please understand that contacting a man repeatedly like this is not healthy and it's never going to make a man like you, it's only going to drive him away from you:

http://milford.patch.com/blog_posts/let-a-man-pursue-you-genders-roles-in-dating-have-not-really-changed

"sent him an email saying that he gave me a whole new meaning to my life"

Honey please, STOP driving this man away by contacting him incessantly. You're only driving him further away by doing so :-(

"I respect him enough to be patient & to wait to hear from him"

NEVER, EVER, EVER tell a man that you're sitting around waiting for him - EVER.

"coz I am already OK"

You're saying that, but you're not acting like you're okay :-(

"I do still love him"

How can you love a man after only 5 or 6 dates dear?

"do you think he'll ever contact me again?"

I don't want to say this to you. I really don't. But I'm going to, because I think you need to accept the reality here dear. No, I don't think he's going to contact you :-(

"Do you think there is a hope? Can I fix that?"

Again, I really don't want to say this to you, but feel I must - no - I don't think you can fix this.

I think you need to focus on yourself, and center yourself. Don't worry about him, worry about yourself. Put this behind you and take the lesson from it moving forward.

Find your happiness within yourself dear. You don't need it to come from a man - you don't NEED a man. You will survive and be fine without one.

Find your happiness without a man first - then find a man to ADD to your happiness - not to BE your happiness. . .and all will be well :-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your honest answer.
The only thing that is in my mind, because I know he is so honest & pure, I just think that there might be a little chance, otherwise he would have told me it's over. I mean I know the man, it's true there were about 8 times physical contacts/ meetings, but he is pretty honest & clear. I still love him & think about him, how, because he was the opposite of every other relationship I had, he was honest & that was the main reason I loved him. I wish i can go back in time, he is such a sweetheart & a real gentleman, he is everything I'v always dreamed of. Too bad I wasn't the same thing for him ! I am not gonna contact him, I promise you this, I just don't wanna give up hope yet, yes I am that much attached to him, maybe because he was my first .. his honesty, the respect he treated me ..
God bless you always you are giving a great help to people here.
Sandra

Anonymous said...

I still read out texts, our chats .. I deleted all our emails though ( not I regret I did, lol )

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Sandra,
Please dear, don't do this to yourself.

"otherwise he would have told me it's over."

He did tell you it's over, you just don't want to see it. I'm sorry :-( But he said:

"It's probably and end, but I have to figure out if I can maintain friendship with your strong feelings"

He said it's an "end" - but that he's contemplating "friendship" - not a relationship - friendship only if anything at all :-(

I don't want to hurt you. Really I don't. But I fear that if you don't accept the reality here and you continue to live in the fantasy, the illusion - you're going to bring more pain onto yourself.

And I don't want to see that happen to you dear :-(

So please try your best to move on from this and don't wait on him. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and stand strong sweetie :-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you, please believe me I'm not trying to be clingy even here, I'm just trying to make sense of all the matter so I can get better understanding. It was him who asked for a break & it was him whom used that word "Break" it was him who said "I am just using this week for space, as you asked me to" ( which by the way I never asked, I just told him I'll leave it to you, you know my no., you know my address, you know how to get in touch with me, I can't keep throwing myself over you.
So basically, it was him who labelled the relationship not me, I know I told him I love him, but again I was drunk, and I made it very clear later that I know there is no us ... What I am trying to say, I showed ( which was real ) that I am accepting the rejection, after all I am a mature woman, I am 33, I know this is not what he wanted ( he wanted casual dating), all I am trying to say here, I think at some point he liked me, I mean, why would he have sex with me, visits me, go out together, communicate over a month if he didn't like me ? So I thought since we are considered in a 'relationship' no matter who labeled it ( By the way he made sure I knew he's not seeing anybody else, he cared about me that he didn't want to see me crying or sad, I didn't ask him, I told him it's none of my business, he told me I'm just assuring you that I am not)

It's not that I'm having hopes over nothing you know, I do trust my gut too.
Look, it's very clear & simple, he liked me, I loved him & I told him I do, he didn't wanna feel guilty that he's keeping me around because he is not that much into me as same level as I am. He told me he's not a hot commodity,he told me he's socially awkward, he is a nerd .... He does know that I love him, I have no regret in that, I just wanna know if there is a chance, I know you already said you don't think there is, but again, I know the person, he'd have let me go long time ago, simply ...
Please don't hate me, don't think I am stupid, I know I am, lol but you know, what is life without hope ? without love ? nothing. I am not gonna throw myself over him, that's for sure, it's not for him, it's for my ego, do you think I should email him or text him that I found somebody ? ( So he knows I am not available ? )
Sandra

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Sandra,
He labeled it a relationship not because that's how HE viewed, but because that's how YOU viewed it. When you tell someone you love them, drunk or not...it's clear that one of the individuals is viewing it as a relationship.

Did you read that articles I linked to? The answers and understanding you seek are there.

I never said he didn't like you. I simply stated that I believe you're actions diminished his attraction for you. I'm sorry :-( But that's how that behavior is perceived by men. Women need to understand that men are not women. As such, their feelings are different concerning those things, particularly sharing emotions too soon and initiating contact. Men do not respond positively to those things when they begin taking place too soon and without them initiating it.

I don't hate you and I don't think you're stupid...I'm trying to help you dear. You're ego is just going to have to accept this as there's nothing a woman can do to make a man love her or want to be in a relationship with her.

You're posting on a thread about "no contact" and you're asking me if you should contact him, LOL.

No. You should not contact him...unless you want to face more rejection, hurt feelings, confusion and pain.

What's done is done. What would be the reason for telling a man that's not asking if you're available or taking any action to date you...that you're unavailable?

If he's not asking if you're available or making any attempts to see you, it's not necessary to tell him you're not.

I think you're looking for excuses to contact him. You keep saying you're going on leave it up to him and that you're not going to contact him...yet you kept contacting him and are still considering doing so.

A man that is genuinely interested will seek a woman out. One that isn't, won't. It's really that simple dear. If he doesn't contact you, he's not genuinely interested (he was only "half interested").

I know I'm not telling you what you want to hear. And if you want to hold onto hope, that's you're decision to do so. If you want to contact him, that's you're decision as well. But if you're asking me for my opinion, no, I would not risk doing either one of those things.

Anonymous said...

From Sandra
Ok, Noted. I wont.
Yes I did read the links you gave me & yes they gave me a lot of explanations. Yes you are right, I might be looking for excuses to contact him because I am so pathetic, ( His daughter's birthday was last week, he knows I know, I didn't even msg/text/email wishing her happy birthday), I know I am pathetic, life if full of guys who'd appreciate me, love me & wants a relationship with me, I know, I just have difficulties getting over people I loved, that's all, the solution is, to hang out with other guys, have sex, live my life & forget completely about him !

Anonymous said...

MOA posted at 1:23 on Mar 23 an article link: gender roles have not changed. I found this one line in the article to be excellent and have seen this work for me : "Occasionally, a man will go out with a woman who asks him out and if after the first date he likes her, he will take over the pursuit - provided of course that she let's him. That is the key." I know that particular line is a bit of a contrast to the articles here, but it has worked for me with both the Aries and the Pisces. Mirror, any idea on when you might post about Aquarius? Enjoying your site :) .

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous,
I'm going to assume that you're a man (and that this isn't a same sex relationship, which if it is, please correct me).

And if that's the case, I think you know what needs to be done:

"I started ignoring her and stopped appreciating her that's why I think she broke up with me."

A genuinely interested man will seek a woman out. And a genuinely interested man will also seek to make things right, if he is in any way responsible for what took place.

And sometimes. . .women pull back and cease contact hoping that the man will "man up" and step forward and do the right thing.

If I were you, I wouldn't contact her right away. Words are just words. I'd take some sort of "action" with her and I'd make a grand, romantic gesture of some sort. Something that'll really make her smile and make her feel like she's valuable to you - something unexpected. Like sending her flowers with a short, "I'm sorry" on the card.

And then wait to see if she contacts you ;-)

@The Mirror of Aphrodite
Yes I'm a man..How long do I have to continue "NC" and when do I break it?I know she doesn't want to be contacted base on her last message..I know that I'm the one who's at fault. Will she appreciate it if I apologize and address everything that I've wronged her?Please help thanks..

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Male,
"Will she appreciate it if I apologize and address everything that I've wronged her?"

I wouldn't go about it like that. Women hear "words" from men every day and most times, they man very little because the man, even though he may have good intentions, he lets her down and his words ended up meaning nothing. It turns into a "I've heard this before" situation.

She needs to see ACTION. She needs to see a grand gesture from you, something she wouldn't be expecting. Some sort of action done, special for her, that she'd never expect to see you do.

That's what will get her attention.

If you attempt to simply "talk" to her right now, she may ignore you and not respond. However, if you do as I've suggested above and send flowers with a brief apology - she'll HAVE TO CONTACT YOU to thank you.

It's a fool proof way to speak with her ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi..I was dating a guy for 3 months that is going through a divorce.. He was married for 20 years. She walked out a year ago on valentines day. We had so much fun together he always took me out and spoiled me. I met his teenagers and we got along right away. He told me he wasn't ready for a relationship but had feelings for me and liked me a lot. Also didn't wanna lose or hurt me. I said that's cool. We can just see each other until you're ready. He was fine with it. And we were intimate tons of times during this period.Then one day he started ignoring my texts. Three weeks later he popped up and we talked a bit. Said he wanted to see me. Well the next day one of his xs family members told me on fb that I needed to move on. He texted and said sorry can't talk but I'll talk to u soon. Well that was 25 days ago. Should I wait? Or move on?

Agnes Garcia said...

What if he getting mad tht I'm not replying he send mr a txt fine no rply bye forever?

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous Male,
"Will she appreciate it if I apologize and address everything that I've wronged her?"

I wouldn't go about it like that. Women hear "words" from men every day and most times, they man very little because the man, even though he may have good intentions, he lets her down and his words ended up meaning nothing. It turns into a "I've heard this before" situation.

She needs to see ACTION. She needs to see a grand gesture from you, something she wouldn't be expecting. Some sort of action done, special for her, that she'd never expect to see you do.

That's what will get her attention.

If you attempt to simply "talk" to her right now, she may ignore you and not respond. However, if you do as I've suggested above and send flowers with a brief apology - she'll HAVE TO CONTACT YOU to thank you.

It's a fool proof way to speak with her ;-)

@The Mirror of Aphrodite
Hi, it's me just call me Brando. Is it a bad idea to send her an apology message and then go NC or it is better to just continue NC for as long as she contacts me? Thanks..

Passerby said...

I have a couple of questions...

1. What would be the perfect answer if you did NC and when you resurface he asks, "What's wrong with you?" "What did you do? Where have you been?"

2. What if after a week or so of constantly pursuing, he decided he wanna break-up and move-on because he thinks I'm not interested anymore? Do I still maintain No Contact or reply? My man is not a bad man, just workaholic and always prioritizes his work ALL THE TIME. Just want him to realize that I'm being neglected and taken for granted. I need more affection.

mydestiny said...

Hi MOA,

I read literally all the posts of this blog and I learnt a lot.
I was dating my girl for about 3 years. The purpose is to marry her. But, lately I had a lot of problems with divorce issue and I was obliged to disappear for about one month. Things that she didn't understand at all as she taught that I wasn't serious! Upon this, I applied the NC for about 3 months and I really miss her...
Should I contact her? Knowing for sure that she will not respond and I am not ready to suffer if she didn't...
Thanks.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Brando,
Well it's still possible to send flowers even if long distance, so that's what I suggest:

http://www.1800flowers.com/international-flower-delivery

Words are air, action makes an impression ;-)

You can attempt to apologize, but without those words being accompanied by an action - I'm not sure they'll have much affect.

Actions speak louder than words my friend. And when you've disappointed someone, words hold little value - it's the actions that are then needed.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Passerby,
"What would be the perfect answer if you did NC and when you resurface he asks, "What's wrong with you?" "What did you do? Where have you been?"

You do what men do in these situations - you remain vague and you don't answer to them. Period. He's not your husband and therefore, you don't have to answer to him.

So you say that you've been busy and that you've needed some space.

"What if after a week or so of constantly pursuing, he decided he wanna break-up and move-on because he thinks I'm not interested anymore?"

If he's not asking to speak or apologizing to you and he decides to move on - so be it, let him go. If he's not going to treat you right now, he's not going to treat you right in the future, so what difference does it make? Do you want to spend a lifetime attempting to get a man to pay attention to you?

If not, let him go.

The only time you respond is if the man expresses a desire to have a "talk" and apologizes. If he doesn't and you return to him - expect him to treat you the very same way in the near future - nothing will change.

If he cannot give you the affection you crave, find a man who will. You can't force this man to pay attention to you so at some point - YOU'RE going to have to decide if HE is a man that can make you happy.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@MyDestiny,
"I was obliged to disappear for about one month"

Don't do this dear :-( It's very painful. At least offer an explanation.

"Should I contact her? Knowing for sure that she will not respond and I am not ready to suffer if she didn't..."

I will offer you the same explanation that I offered another male here. Once a man has disappointed a woman, let her down, disappeared and broke her trust in him - he really has to PROVE he's genuinely interested in order to win her back.

And you prove it through ACTION, not WORDS. So rather than contact her, my advice would be to send her flowers and on the card you write, "I miss you, I'm sorry and I think of you often."

And then you wait for her to contact you, to thank you for the flowers ;-)

Once she does, you ask her to dinner and you treat her to a very special evening that night. You then offer her a heartfelt apology and a full explanation for your disappearance.

Grand romantic gestures like that make women feel special ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Mar 26, 2013 4:47 AM,
"Should I wait? Or move on?"

Well - do you value yourself? If so, move on.

Why would you wait around for a man that isn't expressing a genuine interest in you? Doesn't make sense dear. You deserve better than that - so don't waste time waiting around for him.

Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and move on as best you can dear :-)

Anonymous said...

I have been doing it for less than a week and I am great at it because I am ready to either get him back as my boyfriend or to move on permanently. (we went out 4 years ago and haven't been official since; dated other people kept going back)(he gave me his key we were great for a few months but I brought up the gf/bf thing and he said no well I am not waiting anymore) but I accidentally sent him a snapchat request. Does this mean I broke the no contact rule?

Anonymous said...

So my ex boyfriend and I dated for 2 years and it ended badly. He thought I cheated on him on year 1 and the next year was awful because he kept asking me to do things to prove I was faithful. I broke it off but I became crazy. Texting him, messaging, ect. he never answered. Then later on we became friends. He helped me with guys and friend issues and I listened to his problems. He got a gf and I took a step back. After he broke up with his gf because she cheated on him with 5 different guys (they went out for 7-8months) (I was dating someone at the time too) We decided to be friends and single but I started to like him and I told him we can no longer be friends and cut him off. He randomly texted me saying I wish I lost my virginity to you. We became friends and it got sexual but before I went to Israel for a trip I told him we can't be friends if we are never going to be anything.I met a guy there that I was hu with. I texted my ex I miss him he said not good and that he couldnt go back out with me because of my past. A few weeks later he said we should go out but not put it on FB like be more private about it I said no. Now in December I told him I would give this a shot with exclusivity and it has been great. The last few months he has been telling me he misses me and likes me so much and he is always telling me not to leave and he always cuddles me. Well in the past week I have been getting very upset I picked him up from the airport we spent the day watching movies cuddling(no sex) and then I went to drop him off and he said at the light it is okay I will get out here and I said what no? he said his dad didn't know he was with a girl and that he thought he was doing work with a guy and that it would be rude for him to be with me before his dad (BS it was spring break he had no work and a dad would be happier if he was with a girl than a guy) and then I asked him to follow me on instagram he said no because he only follows a set number of people and that if he were to follow me he would have to unfollow a family member (BS because he follows friends and the numbers have changed) and third we had plans for me to come over after work to his house at 9 pm I got there 9:30 called and texted him (I had a key to his apartment) he said i'm at tutoring I got so mad because he didn't even bother to tell me before I drove there (30 minute drive) and then he told me he would finish latest 11 and try to make it even earlier to wait. 30 minutes later he texts me he won't make it by 11. I went home but I was furious. I wanted to have the DTR talk. I responded to his next a few days later saying we have to talk. I told him I want more and effort and he said like bf/gf? I said yes he said he doesn't want one now and the commitment I said are you not committed now? He said yes because I care about you and respect you I haven't been or tried with anyone else. I told him we are at an impasse. The next day I left a printout of a convo from a year ago where he said we would be hook up step down from bf gf and see where it goes.. and wrote on it. It has been over a year I know what I want and I refuse to settle. Have a good day. Ps I brought you soup and tea (He was sick) and left the key on the note and left. He texted me later saying :( I said why? He said I found the note. I said okay. He said so that's it? And I go How much longer do you expect me to wait years, months, weeks for a maybe we will go back out maybe not? I refuse to settle and I am moving forward with my life with or without you. He said I didn't realize I guess ok. And I didn't answer. I have been stalking his fb but I haven't written him or anything. I did accidentally send him a request on snapchat to be friends.. I was going through the list and clicking everyone I wasn't paying attention. Does that mean I broke no contact? I need help. Please tell me I did the right thing. He is a Gemini and I a Scorpio.

mydestiny said...

Thank you MOA for your answer. I really discover my self to be the champion in saying, words and only words. I also discover my self having less masculinity, thing that I am sure she feel all the time. So, what to say? I am really ready to change because I love this girl and I want to marry her.

I really appreciate this blog because I am getting more conscious about many things concerning relationships.

Hugs.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@My Destiny,
I'm really glad to hear your finding this blog helpful :-)

If you're ready to change dear, you have to be willing to step outside of your comfort zone...no words..ACTION. Words are comfortable and work for YOU...but this is about what is comfortable and works for HER, not you :-)

If you want to please a woman, make her happy and win her over, then you need to become comfortable doing things that make women happy...so you win them over ;-)

Women are disappointed by the words of men everyday dear. Women are lied to, taken for granted, strung along, manipulated, used, exploited....by the words of men all the time. If you want her to think you've changed, you have to SHOW her you've actually changed. Saying it will not be enough, especially after disappearing and abandoning her my friend :-(

She's going to need more than words...she's going to need to see actual change...she's going to have to see action. If you attempt to use only words and no action...she's not going to believe you've changed. You have to take action of some sort, you have to do something nice to prove you care...you have to make a grand gesture of some sort and just go for it :-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous March 27, 7:50PM,
Yes dear, sending someone an invitation to communicate is "contacting" someone...it's breaking no contact.

The point of no contact is...no communication, no response - 30 days.

Anonymous said...

@The Mirror of Aphrodite
Brando here, when I do apologize do I have to tell her that I still love her or just apologize and wish her best then go NC?

mydestiny said...

Thank you MOA. I think that the learning process is permanent.

I want to share one point with you: I do believe that when a men are incapable of doing a basic things when dating a women and behaving poorly is a sign of less masculinity (e.g chatting instead of taking real actions, not paying the bill, stepping back before problems,lying etc...) and that's why we lack Leaders in our society today. We are indeed incapable of taking the Lead and most of the time we prefer our comfort zone. That's the reality. Why are we incapable of telling the truth and standing up for it no matter it is? Unfortunately it is the day to day reality and we are complaining about the lack of the Leaders!! Our behaviors towards a women reflect our capability of being a Leader and dealing with the matters of life.

Hugs



Anonymous said...

Hello MOA, I very much like your blog and all your advice resonates with me a lot. My query is related to no contact after a break up. I broke up with my boyfriend because he was often cheeky and I couldn´t stand it anymore. I still have feelings for him though and want him back. Now I don´t get one thing. If I go no cantact believing he will be the first to contact me, but at the same time he will do exactly the same thing, there will be neither one to contact the other one. Or maybe I misunderstood something. I´d like to ask whether there is any other thing you´d recommend I do instead/except from no contact. Thanks a lot for your reply.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
Well, first of all, using no contact is more for yourself than it is about winning someone back. It helps a woman to detach, move on and gain clarity.

But it can also work with a broken relationship as well and there are many women here on the "disappearing" man post that are sharing success stories when using it.

It doesn't work overnight dear and many times, it takes months before someone starts to miss the other enough to finally break no contact. But that's the whole point. Once someone is without you for an extended period of time and misses you deeply - they are less likely to take you for granted the second time around.

Here's a video a woman here shared and no contact is being explained by a man in it:

http://youtu.be/Q9uay8u3ZuY

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Brando,
I've suggested taking action first and I still stand by that.

But if you cannot bring yourself to take action and want to use words alone (which I do not recommend) then you can apologize and wish her well.

However, if you get no response from that and it doesn't work, don't be surprised and don't be upset or beat yourself up. It's just that action is really what would've been needed to get her attention is all.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your prompt answer. I have one more question. Do you mean that that I could contact him first after a considerable period of time as I was the one who dumped him? Thank you again for the reply.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
I'm not sure how to answer that because I don't know which of the previous comments was yours. . .

Anonymous said...

@The Mirror of Aphrodite
Brando here,
Here's my letter that I'm planning to send.

Hi, hope you're doing great. By the way I have received the last text message that you've sent me and after that I've thought about what went wrong in our relationship. I actually don't blame you for what happened because I've finally realized that I've started ignoring you since I've left, I've forgotten all your needs and stopped appreciating you for all the efforts you did even if you're too busy with work. Sorry for all of that. Also sorry for not understanding you and supporting you the way I should have. I was hurt but I have to respect your decision. I wish that you find your true happiness. Keep safe and God bless you!

Is this one okay? Any suggestions? Thanks..

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Brando,
Sweetie, you're attempting to get me to agree with WORDS. Words have very little effect and can be false. If you can send a letter, you can send flowers.

I'm sorry dear, I wish you luck, truly I do. But I cannot agree with WORDS when it's ACTION that's needed dear.

I've received letters like that from men that were only WORDS and weren't accompanied by ACTION. . .and I tore them up and threw them away :-(

Anonymous said...

@The Mirror of Aphrodite
Brando here,
If I accompanied it with flowers, would the letter also work? Thanks..

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Brando,
If you accompany the letter with flowers, you have MUCH higher chances of a response from her. It will increase your chances of hearing from her by about 80 - 85% :-)

Anonymous said...

What if your boyfriend breaks up with you and contacts you within 30 day's and says thank you for calling him out on some things that he now has realized were true about himself. He never said he wanted to get back together, but did tell me that if I needed a date for an upcoming wedding that we spoke about when we were together, to let him know. I did not give him an answer and kinds played it off. We texted a few times back and forth over the next two days and I haven't heard from him again in over a week. Should I initiate contact or let him contact me again? Thanks

Gemini 50 said...

@Brando

Send her the flowers!!!!!!

Good Luck -- we are rooting for you!

Anonymous said...

@The Mirror of Aphrodite
Brando here,
I can do the flowers, but is the letter that I've posted okay? Is there anything else that I need to add up?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Brando,
I'd tweak it a bit and say this:

"I've thought about what went wrong in our relationship and I don't blame you for what happened. I've realized that I ignored you and I've forgotten all your needs and stopped appreciating all of your efforts. I apologize for that and I apologize for not understanding you and supporting you the way I should have. I am hurt but I respect your decision and I wish you happiness. Thank you for the time you spent with me. I miss you."

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Mar 29, 2013 3:36 PM,
"Should I initiate contact?"

No dear, do not initiate contact. It comes across looking desperate and too eager to a man. Read this below, it's written by a man:

http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/dont-initiate-contact.html

Anonymous said...

@The Mirror of Aphrodite,

This is "Should I initiate contact" (original post 3/29/13 @ 3:36pm)

Please refer me to now as "Lee", thank you.

I read the article you recommended. Even though he did initiate contact after the breakup and stated to me that if I would still like him to be my date at the wedding next month, to let him know...I still should not contact him and let him make the next move?

I'm afraid that if I don't make contact or take him to the wedding, he will think I am no longer interested and not contact me again. Do you think he will think that?

Thanks...Lee


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Lee,
Honey, why do you feel that letting negative emotions of fear and insecurity steer the wheel will somehow bring about positive results?

This is fear and insecurity:

"I'm afraid that if I don't make contact or take him to the wedding, he will think I am no longer interested and not contact me again."

He's already broken up with you once. What do you want to do, give him a second opportunity to hurt you?

The ENTIRE point of no contact is to gauge a man's interest level in you. If the man is only "half interested" (and he doesn't pursue you or initiate contact), then what makes you think he'll suddenly become 100% interested and magically treat you better in the future?

"Do you think he will think that?"

Who cares what HE thinks? Worry about yourself here or you're going to walk right into a complete and total "repeat" of all of the pain and heartache this man has already caused you.

If he doesn't pursue you and he looses interest because you didn't chase him - then he was only half interested to begin with and he would've NEVER made a good boyfriend. He never would've cared about you, contacted you or lifted a finger for you anyway. So what difference does it make?

Don't sit around waiting for a man to pick YOU - you take control, look out for yourself, filter and qualify men (gauge their interest level) and YOU pick YOUR MAN :-)

The entire point of no contact is to see if the man is interested enough in you that he will "man up" and pursue you and show his willingness to make you happy.

If he doesn't do that - he's not worth an ounce of your time because he'll NEVER do that.

Anonymous said...

@The Mirror of Aphrodite,

Thank you and I do agree that me sticking to the no contact is the best idea!

I'm just unsure that if he does contact me about the wedding, if I should take him. I want him to go, but don't know if he should.

Anonymous said...

Have had no contact for 36 days. I now receive an email "I miss you." Now what? I really like him and miss him too.

Aquarius Lady said...

@Anonymous April 2, 2013 12:52 AM

If a guy emailed or texted me "I miss you" I would ignore it... even if I missed him too because I have been in situations where I have ignored a guy for months and have fallen into the "I miss you" trap... Wait for him to say something more meaningful such as "Hello so and so i know we haven't spoke in a while and during this time I've realised how much I've missed you and I've seen the error of my ways. Can we talk?"
Him asking if you can talk means he has done some THINKING...

"I miss you" is to pull at the heartstring

x

Anonymous said...

How does this work for long-distance relationships? I'm actually moving out to where he lives in a few months (for unrelated reasons, it's nice to be close to him but I would have gone even if I never met him), and I know that he likes me, but he does not contact me as often as I would like despite me telling him this (this could be due to his insane work schedule, but I still think he should make the effort). Sometimes (thankfully not most of the time, but still!) he'll take a few days to respond to my message, and I'm usually the one initiating now (though it wasn't like that at first). I'm not cool with this. Do the same no-contact rules apply in this situation? I don't want to feel powerless anymore.

Anonymous said...

@Aquarius Lady, thank you for replying. This too (as is the anonymous writer above) is a long distance relationship that has been going on for approximately 6 months. He recently went overseas for work. Before he left we corresponded regularly and didn't argue or get into a fight. We just haven't corresponded for six weeks since he left on his new work assignment and I didn't initiate contact during that time or ever during our 6 months. Now I've received the "I miss you" email. Still ignore until a more meaningful email arrives? Just for the record, he's always been a little shy and a man of few words. Not trying to make excuses for his lack of communication, just one of his personality traits.

Anonymous said...

Mirror, I need your coahing/advice on how to win my current situation asap.
Love this post. This is the best explanation I have read about No Contact & Ive bookmarked it on my phone for when Im feeling down & vulnerable and I need it as a reminder. Thank You Very Much!

My ex & I broke up in February 2013 (after 2.5 yrs of dating). Since then, we spent Valentines together, weve went on a few dates, & weve had sex. I now realize that those are big NO-NO's. I wasnt taught how to handle break-ups. My whole life I chased after the guy, I confronted women, I fought a girl when I was 19, I blasted his business on FB. (yrs ago)
I have grown & I dare not do any of those crazy things anymore. But I still failed when it came to expressing my love & etc. Which has diminished his respect for me.
Anyway, we run a business together, so I am forced to see him daily (which makes it harder). I know that he is seeing & courting other women now. He shows no interest in me- doesnt respond to txts ... is always hanging out ... has new clothes & cologne ...
He is very very good at masking & supressing his emotions.

Is it too late to begin no contact?
How do I handle being around him? No I be nice & bubbly or remain distant & quiet?
Ive started working out .... I said I was going to change my wardrobe because I began to let myself go ....

Im worried that he is blinded by other women. I realize my faults & what drove him away.
IDK how long to give this a shot. I need to know whether or not I should leave this business & start my own if he does not pursue me again.
Whether we get back together or not, HOW DO I WIN THIS ? ! ? !

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous April 3, 8:51AM,
Sweetie, there's an old saying, the best revenge, is to do well.

You win by doing well.

You won't be able to maintain full no contact, but you can withhold yourself and your attention from him to a degree.

I wouldn't worry about winning right now or getting him back. I'd work on myself and start to date other men - in front of his face.

If he truly cares deep down inside, when he sees you happy with another man, that will kill him and eventually, he'll come to you and confess his feelings.

But it's going to take you doing well with someone else to force him to recognize that.

Anonymous said...

SN: He is a sagittarius & I am an Aries.

This is a very tough peel to swallow. But atleast I do not cry as much anymore. The pain is easing but when I see him, it stirrs me inside. I just want to hug him & all thee above.

I will try & give you an update in a month. My birthday is coming up, Im anxious to see if he'll even care to give me a gift.
Thank You

maria said...

Wow, that was one hell of an article. My BF just dumped me few days ago and I've been all the articles out there but your article has been the best of them all. You described everything so clearly! My BF keeps breaking up with me again and again and threatening to me break up with me since few months if i don't change my ways. And my ways are nothing just that i want him to commit to me in a proper way, which eh wouldn't. But he always comes back and says sorry and that i was the one who makes him say such bad things. What do i do with him..?? :( i feel so lost. and we have been in a relation since 1.5 years.

Machelle Mazhelle said...

Hi, I just have a question regarding emotional suppression. My ex-boyfriend I believe is in this state at the moment and has been going through it for a while now (since early 2011. It started when he lost his job back in dec 2011 and being that the job market has been bad, he had a hard time getting a new job until just recently. A few months after he lost his job back in 2011, he started to change, he became distant and pushed me away. He just basically became this person that was the opposite of how he was - loving, considerate, sweet and perfect. He became a lot more angrier, he blames(d) everything, if not most, of why things were (are) going wrong towards me, he's become quick-tempered, didn't want to talk about anything personal or anything regarding us, including our problems, and he's become very negative.. He puts himself down a lot now as well. I had no idea what was going on with him and at some point I took it as he didn't love me and want me anymore, hence reacted to him badly and in a negative way. At that time, I was going through some emotional issues as well in addition to having to take care of everything for us, financially, etc.. Our relationship started to go downhill and went really bad before summer of last year and we just kept fighting a lot.. Then an opportunity came up in florida (we're from NY) and he thought it would be good if we moved so as to make things easier for us financially and in the hopes that a change of atmosphere would make a big difference for both of us. I have 2 girls from a previous marriage and I had a good job working at Wall St at that time. When he suggested for us to move I weighed out a lot of our options and the consequences of us moving. I also considered the way things were between us as well, but because I love him more than anything, I trusted his decisions and ideas. I thought that maybe it would help him as well being near his parents since they live in florida, exactly where we were moving to.. All I wanted basically was for him to be happy and I agreed that maybe a change of atmosphere would help him somehow, so we moved.. For a couple of months I was traveling from NY to FL every other weekend or any chance I got.. However, things weren't changing between us. There was still tension at home even when I only saw him a few days each month and maybe it was me, but I was noticing that he didn't seem to be looking for a job as much as I expected him to (he was the same in NY), he lied a lot and justified everything he did and it was starting to bother me. At that time, I felt as if he was just content with me taking care of everything, even if I had to travel to see him and the girls and it was truly a difficult situation that I was going through esp being away from them most of the times. I felt he wasn't trying hard enough to help me by trying to look and get a job so that I could finally leave my job in NY and move to FL altogether... CON'T...

Machelle Mazhelle said...

4 months after the move to florida during one of my visits, he and I got into another big fight as I brought up his jobless situation and how he still acts distant towards me.. He became very defensive, justified what was going on with him, and there was no getting through to him, and if anything he would always just change things around on me. Because of how things have been btwn us, I've learned to kick him out each time our fights would get too much.. To me I felt I needed to do that to allow us to cool off (I'm a sagittarius and tend to need space esp during those heated moments, he's a Leo) as he would get destructive and loud at times. There was no "just talking" over things with him as he would always get heated up and defensive when he didn't like where the topic was going, esp if it went towards his situation and attitude. Apparently and unfortunately he took the times I kicked him out harder than I thought. That one last time I told him to leave the house, he went to his mom's house again and he never came back. From that point on, our situation got worst. His mom didn't want him to get back with me and would tell him certain things that I felt during that time he believed, basically I felt his mom poisoned his mind against me. We have been separated since October and during this separation, I went through so much emotionally trauma, I felt emotionally ripped apart and I felt so abandoned by him. I had to figure out a way for me and the girls to make our situation better and move elsewhere at that time since we were living at his aunt's house at that time and it didn't feel right and comfortable for me and the girls to stay anymore since his family was giving me a hard time...CON'T..

Aquarius Lady said...

@Anonymous April 2, 2013 at 10:15 PM

I think it's a bit strange that he hasn't contacted you sooner or said something more than "I miss you".
If you haven't argued or anything there's no excuse for his lack of communication... There's no excuse for a males lack of communication FULL STOP. Yes he may be busy but 6 weeks without contact is a long time... I'm no expert but it looks like a "Out of sight out of mind" situation. Perhaps he thought you were going to chase him...?

I think that you could say something like "hello how are you?" if you really want to contact him... That way it gives him a chance to explain himself... I wouldn't tell him that I miss him if I was in your shoes...From his response you should be able to work out if he's being sincere or not... Go with your gut instinct!

Good luck!
x

Machelle Mazhelle said...


I know now and have come to realize the mistakes I've made during our fights then.. I have a habit of needing space whenever I get upset and this is one of the things he hated in our relationship. He hated when I locked myself in the bedroom or bathroom even if I only needed time to myself to think. Each time I did that he took it so negatively and would become destructive and break down the doors to get to me.. Anyway, one thing that he kept at even after he moved to his mother's house was/is how he didn't want to stop talking to me. For 6 months (since he left til now) all he's been telling me is how he only wants to fix us and how he wants us to get along. The problem is, for this past 6 months, even after all the pain I've gone through and he caused me, I kept trying to be there for him, esp after he told me that he has been bottled up, going through depression and now having a hard time showing affection and emotions. He told me that he doesn't know how to show me any emotions anymore. Because of this all I've done was cater to him, did everything I could to get along with him even when I was hurting being around him and he was distant and cold towards me, I treated him the same way as if we were still together and spoiled him (bought him stuff all the time etc.), all coz I loved him and felt so guilty thinking that how I reacted to him is why he is the way that he is now. I did this and everything else I could to prove to him that things that I didn't mean to hurt him with however I handled our situation and to prove that things between us weren't so bad and that we did get along if we wanted to. The problem is, as much as he told me he loved me (which he did almost everyday, he text everyday), in spite of that he never really made any efforts to be there for me. He never came to see me physically, he never offered to see me on his own accord (we only saw each other when I asked him or I made the initiative), when we went out he would be cold and distant, he didn't do anything nice for me or spent time with me during the past holidays, including my bday, christmas and valentines day and would make excuses why he didn't do anything (I never asked for anything, but at least a little something would be nice, a note and handmade gift, anything really), he seemed to be content having a relationship through text since he never called me, and I felt very much taken for granted and put aside. I've gone to get counseling for me to try to fix me as well as I truly want to fix my side of things. At some point I've also tried to get counseling for him and he just didn't do anything about it and didn't pursue to keep going. He went once. ..CON'T...

Machelle Mazhelle said...

At this point, I've basically given up already.. 4 weeks ago, I've finally decided to open up to him emotionally again since I figured maybe if I opened up, he would start to feel secure again (I too was a little bottled up emotionally since all this started to happen). I told him how much I loved him and told him this every opportunity I had. I tried to make him feel loved as much as I could and at some point we got intimate once for the first time again in 5 1/2 months (basically since he left). I was so hopeful and thought finally a breakthrough.. that maybe he'll start to finally remember how it was to be with me again, that he'll finallly miss me again and he'll start to open up a little and make a little more effort to fix us or him. I was wrong. Even during our intimate moments he was distant and after that he was just as distant.. It hurt so much and I finally decided to distance myself from him for good, initiated NC (and has been for 3 weeks now) and take myself out of the picture. Before I did though, I tried one last approach and that was to ask him to give himself time off from me and think things through to truly figure out what it is he really wants. He wouldn't, he fought me on that (as he always did at the thought of being shut out from me) and kept telling me it drives him crazy to be shut out from me and that he hated not talking to me.. I also called a therapist to talk to him even on the phone at first in the hopes of him feeling comfortable and eventually would decide to see her on his own. He didn't talk to her, I'm not sure if it's because she didn't call him or he didn't pick up his phone when she called (I scheduled a call between them one night). So I've given up and I haven't spoken to him since Mar 13. He still texts me EVERYDAY like clockwork to say "goodmorning" and hello throughout the day or whatever, I'd say I'd get 3-4 texts from him with that type of message daily, but I chose to ignore him at this point. Last monday (4/1), he sent me an angry text saying how I "infuriate him and pisses him off with this f*****n ignoring crap", i didn't respond. In spite of how upset I got with that text and wanted so badly to tell him off to say that for 3 weeks of not hearing from me, that's what he had to say besides "goodmorning" and "hello".. but I didn't... CON'T..

Machelle Mazhelle said...

The thing is, I hate that I feel like I'm abandoning him while he's going through this but I don't know what to do anymore. From what he told me before, he just stays in his room and basically sleeps all day for the most part when he's home at his mother's house. He's also working now and he would look forward to going to work everyday just to get out of the house and have someone to talk to and be around ppl. I don't know how else to help him and I know he's the only one who can help himself. I know he don't talk to his mother about what he's going through (and maybe don't even talk to her as much since she didn't like that he would defend me when he did, nor I feel she's the type of person who he would feel comfortable talking to about what he's going through anyway) and is now just left alone and by himself, he has no friends here in fl, he has lost touch with all his friends and I was the only one who was there for him that he really talked to, even if all he ever talked about were trivial stuff and sports, never about us..

What would happen to him now and how would he get through this? I apologize for this long message, I'm just so desperate to get help for him, not anymore for the sake of saving me and him, but more to help him as I can't bear the thought of him sinking deeper into this emotional dark pit that he has been drowning in.. I don't want him to end up living his life this way, alone, depressed, hopeless and miserable. But in the same, I just don't know if I can be there for him anymore bc it hurts me so much in the process. And the guilt is killing me coz I feel I let him down when he needed me the most (even when he did just that to me months ago). I love him so much (and I know he feels the same about me) but I've given up hope. As much as I tried to be there for him, to help him, I only got hurt each time.. CON'T...

Machelle Mazhelle said...

Your response would mean the world to me if you feel you can put some light to our situation, most esp, his.

Thank you for your time.

Anonymous said...

@Aquarius Lady. I took your advice and wrote a very short reply saying hello and asking how he was. Sadly, the back story is that we're both emotionally unavailable commitment phobes who developed an online friendship over the last 6 months. We both like our own space and can't stand being smothered. Things got kind of intense between us before he left and we both ran away. I guess we're both a hot mess. As a woman, I'm ashamed to admit that I exhibit a lot of the traits of the men written about on this page, specifically disappearing without a word and needing space. I'd like to change but don't know how. Thanks for your help. /:

mydestiny said...

"You win by doing well." You right. Absolutely Right.
It needs a lot of courage and focus to break away from a negative thoughts. But it worth the effort.

Good luck.

mydestiny said...

Hi MOA,

I liked a lot the expression in your previous post "Adult Boy" Vs "Adult Man". Yes indeed, if in our mind we still dwell in our teenager attitude, how could we be responsible and lead in any relationship? How come? Unfortunately, almost many man (particularly) couldn't lead in many fields!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@MyDestiny,
Thank you dear, however, I believe you're referring to a post written by an active male member of the community here by the name of Peter ;-)

Anonymous said...

is it too late

Hi MOA
,I broke it off with a guy after dating him for a year he decided he wanted to see other people.I knew from the beginning he didn't want a relationship and never asked him for one, as i was just happy with the here and now.I broke it off by text telling him that' Ï thought it was in HIS best interest if i didn't see him anymore and I needed to 'set him free, and he was now a free man and off the hook" i wished him all the love and happiness in the world" and told him not to reply (I couldn't have done it to his face i know it was gutless) .We spent great times together and never had a argument it was all fun and giggles and we had many adventures together, and he did care deeply for me and treated me very well but i think because he's disabled (walking stick) i was a boost to his ego.He's on the same dating site as me but has hidden his profile not just from me but everyone.It's been 5 weeks since he appeared here late one Friday night drunk and told me "he wanted to date" but because he was a loyal partner he couldn't as I was in the way of him meeting other women,I felt like i had no choice but to set him free.Like i said i haven't heard anything from him, which surprised me.I think the no contact rule only works if he is contacting me doesn't it? it's the longest we have been without seeing each other.

Anonymous said...

I am actually in a relationship (almost 8 months), he told me three weeks ago that things got too serious too fast. So I backed off (meaning: not initiating contact, not replying to each and every message (when I feel I don't need to), etc.)

Ever since that moment it has been two days no contact, then contact, two days no contact, then contact (all his texts are quick responses, with smilies, iphone-kisses and questions about my day or replies to my previous message). I still reply to his messages, but not right away. Am I doing okay this way? Or should I just stop replying and do the 30 day thing? I feel that might be too harsh since we officially still have a relationship? Even though right now it doesn't feel like one to me...

I am fine knowing that there is someone out there for me even if this is not the one. I am also happy with the lessons this relationship has learned me and turned me into a "better" me. The only problem is that I feel attached to him since I love him. Even though I am now lovingly trying to let go a bit.

(feeling ashamed aswell for my aggressive behavior the last couple of months, I really didn't realize)

Anonymous said...

what if a guy contacts you all the time through email, and text no phone calls or never sees me. I've seen him 4 times since OCT 2012. We saw each other on a Thursday and then Tuesday and he freaked out saying it was going too fast. He didn't see me for 6 weeks after that. he never invites me to his house and I don't know any of his friends.

We meet at a work conference and spent 14 days together at this conference. I wasn't attracted to him at all but he was persistant in wearing me down. I finally agreed to go out with him because he was the nice guy but he cancelled saying his mom had breast cancer and he was going through a lot and couldn't handle a relationship. I said I understood so let's be friends. He didn't want that either he wanted more than friends and didn't want me with anyone else.

He emails/texts me all day long almost everyday. When he makes plans to see me he cancels every single time. Usually he becomes moody, angry or dissapears the days before so I know that he will cancel.

He plays games like not answering my questions or answering with another question. When I stopped contacting him for a week he couldn't stop contacting me and when I did text back it was to say "call or visit" he called that night and the next night but went back to his old ways.

When I mirrored him he would ask why I was so distant. I told him the truth but it didn't help for more them a few days or he would argue saying that all his excuses were justified and damn good reasons.

He has testicular cancer and has told me he was pushing me away but the operations was 3 months ago. I think the cancer is spreading but he won't talk to me about it.

He recently said he loved me over text at a bar and texted that he didn't care anymore he wanted to see me. I thought we turned a corner but again he made up some crazy story about why he had to cancel his plans with me again.

I feel like I want to be there for him as a friend but how do I get over him and move on when he could die and is going through so much. I feel horrible and depressed all the time because of the way he treats me.

I feel guilty for not contacting him that I made him give my contact info to his brother just in case anything bad happens to his him at least someone will let me know. His brother contacted me and said he must really like you because he never did anything like this before.

I don't know what to do. I can't be in this relationship any longer it hurts too much and can't continue to have someone treat me so bad but I want to be there for him because when he dies and I am not there for him I will feel horrible. I care about him so much.

Anonymous said...

HiMOA, this blog is perfect and I particularly appreciete your individualised answers.
I also have a problem I´d like to ask you about.I brokeup with my ex without thinking first. The reason was I´d felt insecure about my position in the relatinship. Once when we were together, we started arguing about something unimportant, I got nervous and suddenly I told him I wouldn´t date him anymore. He was shocked and asked me why, so I sincerely told him what was bothering me and he expressed his willingness to improve his ways. I wouldn´t listen to him though because I am the type of person who, when once makes up up her mind, doesn´t change it easily. This happened three weeks ago and since then I haven´t contacted him a single time and neither has he.
I feel sorry about all this, especially about the fact that he seemed to be ready to change his behaviour to meet my expectations and I feel I let this opportunity slip through my fingers. Now I am hesitant as to what to do. We´ve been NC for three weeks. If I want to contact him again, shall I make the first move? How and when to do it? What to say? Be honest and tell him I am sorry? I know you don´t recommend a women should initiate but it was me who broke up with him not vice versa. Shall I wait for him to contact me first despite that? I will wait for your reply, thank you very much for your time and effort.

Anonymous said...

Hi! I've been reading your articles but didn't realize there were pages of comments and advise. Ok my story in a nutshell. 10 year relationship abrubtly ended when he said he'd give me a call back, that was in Nov and he never returned my call. At first I kept thinking he's mad, he'll call, we're just having a fight, but he's made NC since then at all. Well at first I'm texting, calling, email, I have no idea what's going on. But the NC just kept going on and on and I said ok what is all this silent treatment about? I guess he just figured we were broken up but he didn't bother to tell me! So yeah, I'm leaving messages, etc., no reply from him. Then I stopped for a couple weeks. Still NC from him. I started to call text email for a couple more weeks later, still no reply. New Years I said that's it, he won't acknowledge me. For three weeks I did NC myself, still nothing from him. I went back to texting email calling. I kept texting him saying why don't you block me if you're just going to ignore me anyway? In the meantime I slowly started trying to research relationships, what to do, etc and discovered this NC concept. He JUST blocked me almost two weeks ago. That is the first communication I got from him in practically five months! I think it's because I said I saw you on a dating site and I'm upset because I didn't know how long ago you posted your profile, were you cheating on me? Or maybe it's a coincidence because he became sick of my texting. I wanted him to block me to force ME to have NC because I couldn't seem to stop. I have still sent emails saying I'm trying really hard not to contact you because I'm guessing you don't want to hear from me although you never said that and you never broke up with me, you just disappeared and left me confused. I mean who does that? I'm just supposed to guess? I knew he was distancing himself from me way before Nov as he became very involved in mountain biking with all his buds. I felt he'd rather bond with his buds than me. Biking was supposed to be our thing but he said I couldn't keep up with him. So I don't know. I started looking at dating sites because I thought I need to try and pull myself together though my heart isn't into it, not just yet, and that's when I discovered he was on it! What I really want is to know why he disappeared and why he couldn't tell me he was unhappy and why didn't he give us a chance to try and resolve what ever was bothering him about us. I've asked him a million times but no reply. What is his NC all about? And of course, I would like a chance at reconciliation. I've read your advice and I know you said it's not mother nature's rule for women to chase men. Everyday I tell myself no more emails. Who knows if he reads them anyway. I never dreamed he would never call back! I'm still hoping he does.

lauramechas said...

Hello! I really LOVE your blog. I wish I had seen it before because I would have avoided a lot of trouble. This is the thing. I dated for two months somebody. Everything seem ok we text each other all time tho. One day I got mad at him because he didnt called me and I text him. And he decided not to respond my text. After 3 days I wrote him on facebook that I needed an answer, to him to tell me something. Then he pulled out the "Im not sure if i want a relationship and i should have told you bla bla" ( all of this in a text). Two weeks after and i text telling him that i missed him with no answer. I found out he was with some other girl. he didnt cheat on me but started dating her really quick. He finds out I found out and texts me that he knows he's and asshole and asks for forgiveness. I respond telling him that he's right and that im so dissapointed. later that night we meet, and we kiss and i feel like were stil into each other... he wants me to stay at his house but I leave and he texts me "Im sorry I couldnt make you happy, maybe in the future." Since then i texted him once telling him once again i miss him ( IDIOT i know). And he keeps liking all pictures on my instagram..and he;s still with her. What should I do?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 5, 7:07 AM,
Well that depends on why you're intending to use the no contact rule, because it has more than one use, as referenced above.

Bottom line though is, if this man wanted to date and you set him free to do so and he hasn't returned, then what's done is done and it never would've worked in the first place because he didn't have feelings for you and was only half interested :-(

A man that is genuinely interested will seek a woman out. One that is not, won't. And there's nothing that a woman can do to make a man love her or want to be in a relationship with her. The man has to want that too.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 5,2:11 PM,
"Am I doing okay this way?"

Yes, this is how you maintain balance and don't let a man run you over and leave you for dead. Mirror his behavior.

"Or should I just stop replying and do the 30 day thing?"

You can do so if you choose, but you need to realize that this will suss out a half interested man. Meaning, a man that is only half interested will leave, he will not pursue. That's the purpose of no contact in most cases, to gauge the interest level of the man, weeding out those only half interested, the players and those seeking free sex.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 5, 2:19 PM,
"he freaked out saying it was going too fast."

"couldn't handle a relationship."

"He didn't want that either he wanted more than friends and didn't want me with anyone else"

That doesn't make any sense, it doesn't line up. If he doesn't want a relationship with you, then you're free to do as you please and date whomever you like. If he doesn't want you with anyone else, then that's a commitment he's asking for. So which is it?

If this is coming from him, his words are not aligning with his actions and he's talking out of both sides of his mouth - big red flag.

"When he makes plans to see me he cancels every single time."

Another big red flag.

"no phone calls or never sees me."

Another big red flag.

"He plays games like not answering my questions or answering with another question."

Another big red flag (that I discuss here):

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/08/what-is-player-signs-youre-dating-player.html

"saying that all his excuses were justified and damn good reasons."

Yea, I bet they are (sarcasm). . .and I'm going to explain why in a moment here.

"He recently said he loved me over text at a bar and texted that he didn't care anymore he wanted to see me. I thought we turned a corner but again he made up some crazy story about why he had to cancel his plans with me again."

Another red flag - he's talking out both sides of his mouth again.

"how do I get over him and move on when he could die and is going through so much."

You don't owe him anything dear. It's not your duty to care for this man, particularly when he does not care for you and pushes you away.

"I feel horrible and depressed all the time because of the way he treats me."

Then get the hell away from him sweetie.

"it hurts too much and can't continue to have someone treat me so bad but I want to be there for him because when he dies and I am not there for him I will feel horrible."

No you can't be treated like that - but if you stay, you'll only have yourself to blame for it as you're the one permitting it.

Also, what makes you think he's dying?

I know a man with testicular cancer dear. He went through his chemo etc. years ago, probably five or six, maybe more - and he's alive and fine.

You need to be careful here because this man is very manipulative and he may be using his current illness as some sort of ploy. I'm not trying to be heartless or minimizing his illness, I'm just saying - be careful. His actions are saying a lot here and none of it is good. Additionally, do not assume that simply because he has testicular cancer right now that he's going to die. Men do survive it dear and I personally know a man that has survived it and is doing fine.

Also, and this is the thing I referenced earlier - how do you know for a fact that he does not have another (or other) women in his life? Because I'm going to be honest here, he's acting like a married man. He won't see you, won't introduce you to his friends, he's rarely available to you, he makes lots of excuses not to see you, strings you along and cancels plans at the last minute - that's how men who have girlfriends or wives behave dear.

If I were you, I'd remove him from my life for right now. He's doing damage to you by being in it and you're permitting him to do so by sticking around and tolerating it. You can't blame him for that dear. That's you CHOOSING to stay and put up with it.

There are consequences in life for bad behavior and poor treatment. And I think it's time you stood up for yourself here and dished out some of those consequences. His illness is no excuse for him to treat someone like crap:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 5, 4:35 PM,
Well you can do whatever you feel you need to do here. But what you have to realize going into it is, it may backfire. He may still be angry and hurt, so you have to be prepared for that before you take any action.

If you don't think you can handle any rejection or ignorance that may come from it, then it may be best to leave things be.

But if you think you'd feel better, regardless of the outcome and that you can handle any rejection that may be a result, then you can feel free to express a desire to talk and explain yourself to him. DON'T request that you enter into a relationship or dating situation again - simply express your regret and then see what comes of it.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous
I've been writing with this guy on social media and made the mistake of pursuing him, I've done it for a while & he backs off & things get better again....recently after an argument, I initiated contact & was friendly....he answered back friendly.....help!....I want him to like me but I'm worried I've ruined it because I was friendly after the argument!.....can I employ the no contact rule now?....please help!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 5, 11:22 PM,
"Well at first I'm texting, calling, email, I have no idea what's going on"

"So yeah, I'm leaving messages, etc., no reply from him."

"I started to call text email for a couple more weeks later, still no reply."

Don't do this dear - it looks desperate and needy :-( and as if there are no other men that want to give you any attention. It lowers your "value" in his eyes, it's a turnoff for men and it makes you look insecure to them. So don't do that, don't chase a man, it will always only backfire on you.

His silence is all you need to know. You don't need a reason, the reason doesn't matter. All that matters is that he ignorantly broke up with you and stopped speaking to you. That tells you all you need to know.

"I went back to texting email calling. I kept texting him saying why don't you block me if you're just going to ignore me anyway?"

Honey, don't you see how desperate this looks? Don't do this - please. It's a HUGE turnoff to men.

"He JUST blocked me almost two weeks ago."

See what I mean? It's like you're stalking him. Is that the impression you want to give a man? That you're stalking him and that there's no other man in your life that wants to give you any attention - so you're chasing him down because you're desperate?

"That is the first communication I got from him in practically five months!"

That's NOT communication dear - that's rejection :-(

"I think it's because I said I saw you on a dating site and I'm upset because I didn't know how long ago you posted your profile, were you cheating on me?"

Honey please, why are you acting as if he's the only man on the planet? And why are you now accusing him of cheating on you? Based on what?

"I wanted him to block me to force ME to have NC because I couldn't seem to stop."

You're acting as if you're helpless here dear and you're not. You need to practice self discipline.

"I have still sent emails saying I'm trying really hard not to contact you"

Please dear, please - stop stalking the man and obsessing over him. This type of negative behavior from you is NEVER going to yield POSITIVE results. It's only going to push him further away and make him think that you're emotionally unstable and crazy. Do not behave like this.

"I mean who does that?"

Lots of people dear, men and women both. That's life and you need to accept it.

"I'm just supposed to guess?"

No. You supposed to accept it gracefully and move on.

"What I really want is to know why he disappeared and why he couldn't tell me he was unhappy and why didn't he give us a chance to try and resolve what ever was bothering him about us"

You don't need to know why. Because "why" doesn't matter. All that matters is that it did not work out. He didn't tell you and he didn't try because - he didn't want to. It's as simple as that. And your negative behavior may have caused him to feel smothered and frightened him off :-(

"I've asked him a million times but no reply."

Why are you behaving so desperate dear? Why are you giving him such a negative impression of yourself and then expecting something positive to come of it?

"What is his NC all about?"

It doesn't matter. All that matters is that for whatever reason, he's not interested and you need to move on.

"I would like a chance at reconciliation."

Why? Why would you want to be with a man that doesn't want to be with you?

You need to move on dear. And you need to start practicing techniques that calm anxiety and promote self discipline. You need to learn NOT to act on those negative feelings because they're going to do you in with any man you date.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@lauramechas,
"Two weeks after and i text telling him that i missed him with no answer."

Honey, why would you chase a man that doesn't want to be with you? Don't do that dear. Don't give away your power like that.

"Since then i texted him once telling him once again i miss him ( IDIOT i know)."

Well, by doing so dear, you're walking right into pain and heartache. You're only bringing more pain and heartache onto yourself. Does it make you feel better? No. So don't do that sweetie.

"What should I do?"

Nothing. There's nothing that a woman can do to make a man love her or want to be with her. The man has to WANT that too. You need to move on dear, that's all you can do.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 6, 11:19 AM,
I think the best thing to do is to stop pursuing him. The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested or not - is to see if HE pursues HER.

Consider this, written by a man:

http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/dont-initiate-contact.html

Anonymous said...

This is anonymous April 5, 4.35 PM. Hi MoA, thank you very much for your reply. I´ve decided to be super cautious and not let the man hurt me again. Because you know, i dumped him so suddenly because he deserved it. The only thing I did wrong I think was that I hadan´t expressed my negative feelings sooner, I just did it on that date and when he wanted to do something about it I was gone.
Never mind, it wasn´t a perfect union anyway.
I have one more question if I may - regarding the circumstances of the breakup you don´t think it is my "moral" obligation to make the first move, do you? Considering the fact that he had treated me poorly and the breakup was a consequence, do you think that he could do something about it and not expect me to do it? In other words, do you think he put all the blame on me or is there a chance that he will understand my behaviour and act himself?
Thanks many times for your time and wisdom. All your advice is most helpful.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
"you don´t think it is my "moral" obligation to make the first move, do you? Considering the fact that he had treated me poorly and the breakup was a consequence"

No, I do not think you have an obligation here.

"do you think he put all the blame on me or is there a chance that he will understand my behaviour and act himself?"

That's the point of no contact dear. It's to give a man plenty of time and space to reach that conclusion all on his own. And if he doesn't, he wasn't worth it anyway. Because if he isn't going to take the time to think about you or consider his actions now in the beginning, he'll NEVER do it later on in a relationship.

Anonymous said...

Yes, I take your point. I won´t do anything. Thank you again for your support, it has helped me tremendously because I am afraid that otherwise I would have blamed myself. Many thanks indeed.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous April 6 - 11:19am

Thanks for your recommendation. I've read this link you've kindly added. I'm mainly worried that I've ruined my chances by apologizing after the argument for certain things and then trying to pursue being friendly...he used to be very eager and interested....we are friends on Facebook and he used to answer me when he knew I could see he was online, but now he just talks to everyone & seems to not initiate any contact with me or care whether we speak or not. This is tearing me up. I worry that no contact will have him forget about me. Our contact has been very close, I just don't want to feel like I now am no longer important to him. Should I remain Facebook friends? If I delete him he seems to see that as drama and it repels him as it's happened before. If I remain his Facebook friend he is able to see what happens in my life & I risk the chance of him not missing me. Is there an ideal way to handle this to give the best chance of his interest coming back?

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

So this guy I have known for three years, we were great friends as far as talking goes, which was only thru social networking (twitter etc) and texting ugh. It sucks bc we literally like the same things lol But thing is that when I had asked him if he wanted to hang out (as a test to see if our friendship could be more) after I got to see him for my grad party, he text me saying he was busy on vacation with his family but apologized and asked for a raincheck when he saw that I wasnt replying to him on twitter. I have gave him about 3 months of no contact lol even ignoring his bday back in Sep. My birthday was just this past thursday and he ignored mine too!. Do you think he did that on purpose? How do I still salvage whats left of the friendship. Should I ignore his birthday the next time around? Like should I continue ignoring him? Its hard bc I felt ignoring him would make him think that hes important. Im just sick of coming short with guys these days...most want sex or are just too lazy to try

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
For some reason it makes me feel sick to my stomach and somewhat insecure that a guy that I grew up with, who is my best friends younger brother (we are both 23 im just older than him by 2 mths), snapchatted my little sister who is only 18 a picture of him smoking a blunt. I was like wth?!! He has a gf now (after it seems that he has cheated/was being a player with his first one) and my sister is in a serious relationship, but for some reason it makes me feel that I'm not cool apparantly for him to text me.
I take my relationships very seriously (dating), which is probably why I never had a relationship bc I feel guys either want to use me (I am an aspiring physician just like he is loll), or want to have sex, or just dont take initiative when I show interest. Im attractive, but for all these years we knew each other, he would always try to make me jealous, even going as far as to cockblock when I was talking to another guy two summers ago.Why does he do this?? Its like the only way he will now I moved on completely is if I'm ever in a relationship smh Its funny and somewhat sick at the same time, bc he once referred to me as his "cousin" (since we grew up together I guess) when he introduced me to his first gf at a new years party last year, and my sister when out with one of his younger guy friends (so I guess any chance of them would be gross lol). I just feel weird and not good enough for some reason with anyone.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 7, 6:29 AM,
"How do I still salvage whats left of the friendship."

You don't dear. You let it go. You do not put time energy and focus on attempting to repair something that the other individual expresses no desire to repair. It's a waste of time.

If he doesn't care, the neither should you. Relationships are a two way street.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 7, 6:40 AM,
"but for some reason it makes me feel that I'm not cool apparently for him to text me."

Why do you care who he's texting dear? It doesn't matter. And what you need to realize is, he's going after what he considers to be the "weakest" of the two. She's younger than you and to men, they realize that that also means she's naive and extremely gullible and vulnerable.

"Why does he do this??"

Because he's immature and that's a notorious "little boy" tactic. He likes you and can't man up about it. So instead, he pulls silly little stunts to get a reaction out of you. Because your reaction will tell him how you feel about him. If you get upset, it means you like him. If you don't, it means you don't care. That's how little boys who are insecure and lack confidence find out if a girl likes them or not. And if she does, they usually continue playing those stupid games to drive her nuts. Don't fall for it.

It's like a little boy on the playground at school. He'll pick on the little girl he likes. He'll throw a ball at her head to make her cry. Then he feels manly because he was able to make a little girl cry. When the reality is, he's picking on her because he likes her and just can't bring himself to say so or tell her.

"I just feel weird and not good enough for some reason with anyone."

That's not true at all. I think you're probably just more mature than the men around you appear to be. And that will all soon change dear. Hang in there :-)

Anonymous said...

Mirror, thanks so much for replying to my messages above lol I really appreciate it and I'm more excited for the future too:)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror!
So my story is.. I met this guy via internet and we hit it off immediately. He had just come out of a 1.5 year relationship. He had just ended it 2 months prior to meeting me. She ended up getting arrested for domestic violence. Anyways, he and I spent almost everyday together. We both agreed we have this bond we have never felt before. I was afraid I was his rebound but he reassured me I was not. He even told me after 2 weeks and seeing each other he didn't want me to go on other "dates". Everything was moving a bit fast, so we both agreen to keep hanging out and let things happen. A week later he told me he just wanted to be friends and he was dealing with a lot and he was serious about wanting to be friends with me. He told me loved hanging out with me and didn't want me to leave him alone. He said he wasn't ready to date anyone right now. I ended up sending him a few emotional texts and then after realized I should not have done that. So I sent him an apoology text. HE just wrote back " I am so sorry. I didn't want to hurt you". I never responded to him again. He has a few things of mine I definitely want back. It has been a week since my last contact with him. What should I do?

Anonymous said...

Omg I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS SITE!! Wish I came across this years ago....would've helped me with so many of my darn failed relationships haha.

Okay, I seriously am super confused...I'll break it down:

3 months ago I met this guy through mutual friends at a festive season party (he was throwing it) - he was here in my country for a few days for NYE. He was born in Beirut but grew up in Paris and London but now "lives" in Mozambique due to his main business there - I am bases in Cape Town, which is about a 2:30hr flight away.

When I met him, I didnt think much of him, but he was super friendly with everyone at the party, a complete social butterfly (his Aquarius and I am Scorpio). Well we got in contact via whatsapp as he was asking all our mutual friends how to get hold of me...and when he finally did, he invited me to a pool party, and the next day to his villa he was renting to which I never went as I never knew this dude from a bar of soap!

For 5 days we were chatting via whatsapp - he was trying to get my contact number to call me but I told him I hate speaking on the phone and we got to get to know each other and he kept inviting me to fly to mozambique or to Johannesburg to see the tiger cubs - on all occasions I politely declined as I wasnt ready to meet anyone on a one to one basis - the thought freaked me out. But my brothers advised me to go and just have fun as they saw I have become antisocial all year last year. So the day before, I told him okay I'll join him in JHB to see the tigers for the weekend.. . He booked my flights, sent me the soa menu told me to go 'crazy' and choose whatever I wanna do, etc etc he was so polite with asking me the times I'd like to fly and putting absolutely no pressure on me whatsoever. The more we spoke the more I was intrigued- he reminded me of myself!
So that weekend turned into 10 days haha we even ended up flying to mozambique to spend time there together. I was intoxicated I have never met anyone so soft generous kind thoughtful gentlemen etc his kisses were amazing I just couldnt believe how free he made me feel - we did things and go to places I'd never even think of doing. I kept telling him I feel so free with him etc etc
Then I flew back home, 3 days aftee was his birthday - I told him to have fun. on the day of his birthday I dont hear from him at all...I sent a message on whatsapp and a line to his email - no reply! Later that evening he messages me telling me his so sorry he drank so much with his mates and felt horrid and slept all day of his birthday. I told him "thats happened to me before and it makes me feel bad when someone just disappears like that without a word. I respect peoples spaces cos I yoo need my space but I always warn the person beforehand if I am going on a me-time out. And if he ever does that again I wont have a problem cutting him from my life! He never did it again TO BE CONTINUE. ...

Anonymous said...

CONTINUED SCORPIOWOMAN:

more pics when he gets the chance. Anyways since two weeks ago when I told him to take a break from me I thought I'd pull a NO Contact to start off the detaching cos the man doesnt want a serious relationship - I cant force him to love me!

But when I saw all those messages on all whatsapp, mobile and fb - I was uhhhh okayyyy I thought we were having a break. That confused me a bit.

Anyways two nights ago I told him that I am leaving in less than 7 days on my asia trip and I'll be gone for a month and I wont be contacting him and I said "not that you'd care" ....Ohhh myyyy that opened up a can of worms. He texted: Why do you say that?
Disappointed that you think and say that
But I guess it's my fault
Hopefully one day you'll understand how much I care for you
And I am here now!
And I cared for you yesterday today and tomorrow
So much you have no idea
Baby the reality is that I am crazy about you... I find you so stunning... I
feel so comfortable with you.... I never thought I could even ever attract
somebody like you... I am feeling jealous like crazy all the time
But I am not into being in a serious relationship at the moment as you
know and I haven't felt love struck enough to fight that it is true
But I do feel like being with you and I love being with you
I have come close to your heart in a way that I haven't felt for a long time
To the point where I am feeling extreme closeness to you
If you are sad I feel sad
If you do something bad to yourself it hurts me even more
Why do you think I HATE seeing you smoke
I could have just not give a shit and be with you all the time and be selfish
and just throw up words at you
And trust me it's not easy to restrain myself because I could just play the
nice guy all the time and be cool with everything just to take advantage of
you and of the situation like probably most guys would do
I hate to lie to you and I don't want you to be a passer by in my life
So sometimes you think am a jerk or I just don't care and it hurts to feel
that
But it's okay because deep inside I just want to do things right with you
Wish I could hold you so tight in my arms and protect you and cherish you
(To which I replied thank you for your honesty, greatly appreciate it. Thank
you for everything, especially for sharing your life with me these past 3
months) To which he replied:
You're the only person I share my life with
Even today
In three months you've come to know me better than most people have
throughout my entire life
And become the person that knows my current feelings better than
anyone else
Uuurrrgggghhhh I wanna kiss you so badly. I just want your happiness
baby
I told him I shan't block him from my life as I said a few days before as he
is still a friend of mine.

Anonymous said...

CONTINUE SCORPIOWOMAN:

I thought we parted in a pleasant way - but today I texted him saying a movie I'm watching reminded me of him and asked if he was flying out to London from Geneva tonight. He never responded so after 2 hrs I say oh okay guess you dont wanna talk to me anymore so I'll leave you be. Take care.

At 2am he whatsapps me saying he just landed in London and is charging his phone. Whats up with all this drama baby.Talk to me pls baby. Where are you baby. Guess you dont wanna talk to me :)"
.I opened my gmail and I fins a short message calling me baby from him with pics of him snowboarding and with his mates lol.

But my question is: He made it clear he doesnt want a serious relationship cos now he doesnt feel lovestruck enough to change his mind. What do I do? He has always been respectful and never ignored me or disappeared except for that one time. And I gave him a break to concentrate on him and his priorities so I'd feel bad to just No contact him. Should I tell him that I am going to No Contact him and if I do wouldn't that defeat the purpose?  And why is he still calling me baby and doing the things he did before we had that talk two nights ago?

I AM CONFUSED!!!!! I really need some guidance with him please - I dont want to make an enemy out of him nor lose him but somehow I need to let him know that he cant treat me as if we are in a relationship if we arent! I need to put my foot down somehow so he can make up his mind if he wants to try with me or not.

I also just read that once you are "friends" that dimishes the chances but after his one and only disappearance, we promised that both of us wont just disappear - he kept that promise.

WHAT DO I DO? Btw I am leaving in 5 days to Asia for a month....I did tell him I doubt I'd be in contact with him during that period and he said he understands - so I am even more confuses


I am crazy about this guy. ..my bros tell me to continue communication but dont be overly available just friendly but I dont want to lose him


HELO APHRODITE!!!@

Aquarius Lady said...

@MirrorofAphrodite

Thanks for your great article!

I'm on day 18 of no contact and the guy contacted me six times during the second week then last week I got no contact from him at all. Today I received a "Hello??" text which kinda annoyed me because it seems as though he isn't taking this no contact seriously. It doesn't seem as though he is actually THINKING about why i'm ignoring him... He hasn't once texted me asking me how I am, why im not responding or if we can talk...

So my question is, is it safe to say that unless the guy is actually showing that he misses you during the no contact period he's only half-interested?

thank you !

mydestiny said...

Hi MOA,

Please if you don't mind could shed a light on this:
1) December 4, 2012 I sent her a message telling her that our relation is over because I really got exhausted. And since then no contact from each other.
2) December 31st, 2012 I sent her a message wishing her a happy new year and less than 2 mn she answers and wishes a Happy new year too. Since then till today no communication!!
My question: How are you interpreting her answer of my sms of the new year?

Thank you so much. I need your point of view :-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Aquarius Lady,
Yes, I think that's a safe assumption. Besides, if he's not treating you serious now, he never will. Some men treat dating like a sport, not like real life :-(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@mydestiny,
"How are you interpreting her answer of my sms of the new year?"

Well, if you're a man (I'm assuming you are because you're making reference to "her"?), then that instant response with well wishes was your "green light" to pursue her.

If you're a man (again, I'm assuming you are) then YOU should be pursuing HER and not waiting for her to pursue you ;-)

mydestiny said...

Thank you for your answer.
Yes, I am a man:-)
Do you think that spending 4 months of NC will not deteriorate our relationship and will make it hard this first step from my side?

Thank you.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@mydestiny,
It may, but never say never when it comes to love ;-)

Either way, give it all you got and go for it dear!

mydestiny said...

You re right somewhere in my mind I am waiting for her to pursue me...My ego is playing there.. But I have a gut felling that she regrets the break up at the first place because it's her idea (with notice:-)
I have to be a gentlemen and make the first move.

Great thanks.

mydestiny said...

Yes OK. I'll do.
Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

I've admittedly been too clingy towards a guy I like for a while. He's distanced nut went along with it. We had a big argument and he said it frustrates him. Without saying it he has indicated he doesn't want anything. I apologized and he was a bit more affectionate and complimented something I did after that. I responded but didn't ask any questions.

I've now backed off and haven't heard from him for a week. Do you think he

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 8,12:01 AM,
You need to ask him for an appropriate place and time to meet to get your things. After that, gracefully accept his decision and move on.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Apr 8, 12:14 AM,
"But my question is: He made it clear he doesnt want a serious relationship cos now he doesnt feel lovestruck enough to change his mind. What do I do?"

You need to decide if you can date him casually. If so, proceed. If not, place him into the friends category and move on.

"Should I tell him that I am going to No Contact him and if I do wouldn't that defeat the purpose?"

No, never tell a man what you're doing when it comes to stuff like that. It defeats the purpose.

"And why is he still calling me baby and doing the things he did before we had that talk two nights ago?"

Because he wants to keep you as an option in his life.

"WHAT DO I DO?"

You need to make that decision for yourself dear. You need to decide if you can date him casually. If not, then you should treat him as if he's a friend and move on and find a man that's ready for a relationship if that's what you want.

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA,

It's been a week of no contact with a guy & he appears on facebook quite happy talking to others including other girls and avoiding me. Are my chances of him contacting me gone now or could he be doing it for show?

I feel like contacting him but am trying my best not to!

Anonymous said...

Here it goes,
I’m 24 and shes 22. I have a great career and shes finishing up college. We were together for 1 ½ years. We brought a dog together.. which I paid for month 7. We were madly in love. We broke up month 11. We weren’t feeling it anymore together and both stressed. She went and slept with another guy after only 2 nights of being broken up. I went NC to get over her. She contacted me so much and we finally worked it out and got back. We were together for 4 months and the whole time she was receiving messages from other guys. I found a lot of snapchats between her and other men.. particurly the one guy she slept with durning our break up. When I found deleted facebook messages from her and him I decided I couldn’t do this anymore.. it was killing me. And she’s talking to him behind my back obv.. what love is that? She says I’m not the same and she want to move onto other people. We break up and then I go mad for her 3 days later. I want her and need her! She says give me space and time. So we talk less and less and start to get jelous over facebook and twitter messages. I go NC for a while then message her and ask if she feels any dif? She says she threw away all pitures of us and heart felt notes that I left for her. She said shes ready to move on without me. The very next night she tried to meet friends that she know were coming to my house. I messaged her and asked if that was smart that we should give each other space. She flips and says fine. Instead she journys to meet some other guy for the night. She posted a picture of two beers and a candle.. and labels it “so romantic”.. and tags this guy in the pic. The guys is the best friend of the guy she slept with back after our first break up. Is she trying to make me jealous and sleep with him or what? Then she messages me the next night saying she misses me.. I didn’t respond and we haven’t tried talking to each other since. Its been a week. Tomorrow is our dogs one year birthday, and I know shell reach out to see him or me. What should I do? And if I really do want her back what should I do.. continue NC until she misses me and wants me again?

Pleas help here guys!!

smiles said...

I love your articles!
Sorry if my post is long but this is my last resort. Long story short:

I met the man of my dreams and it ended shortly before christmas last year. He was my best friend, lover, partner and we worked well together. He would say the same if you asked him. I am still very confused as to why it ended because things were going well. We had a mutual respect for one another and told each other everything. His reasoning was that there was something missing and he said he did not see me in his future as his wife only as a friend. I was and still am devastated but he is worth fighting for. We are in each others lives and it feels good but I just don't know if I'm setting myself up for disappointment because he only sees me as his friend. I tried NC after the breakup but that lasted 2 weeks..(pathetic).

We've been friends every since...(nothing romantic at all) but I had hopes of getting back together and it backfired on me. I realized he does not want anything romantic with me at all ever! He's attracted to me and loves hanging out and will do ANYTHING in the world for me BUT he is NOT in love with me the way he wants to be in love with someone. He wants to be in love with someone because he's never felt it before.

I was devastated and did everything I wasn't suppose to do. I begged. Not in the litteral sense but I said "why don't we just date until we meet someone else". I also asked for a kiss. Both ideas were shot down...obviously. I'm embarrassed just typing this. He also threw in that I could talk to him about dating other guys...huh?? (my friends are just as confused because he treats me like his girlfriend but no intimacy).

It took me basically embarrassing myself and putting myself out there for me to realize that he treated me so well as friends because he does like me but he's not in love like he wants to be. I settled for friendship but I have really backed off in terms of how much I see him. We hung out this past weekend. He initiates contact with me all the time and I limit the amount of time I do see him. We were suppose to hang out today and workout together (his suggestion) and he never called. That is NOT him to not cancel plans. I keep telling myself.."maybe he just forgot." I was and still am pissed but he will never know.

If he were a mean person or treated me poorly throughout our relationship this wouldn't be as hard but he did the opposite and was open and honest and I believe he did love me. Just not the way he wanted to love someone. That's the hardest part for me. Knowing he wants to be in a relationship and be "madly in love" as he puts it, with someone. I wanted to be that someone and I'm taking it really hard.


I guess my question is...Is it to late to initiate NC? I really want him back but I think I have done so many things wrong that it seems impossible. The crazy and confusing thing is that even after ALL that I have done and said to him about how I feel (nothing dramatic really. Just honest feelings that I shared with him) he STILL contacts me and wants to know how my life is and always wants to take me to lunch or dinner or go on walks..etc.. He's a really good guy and really hasn't done anything wrong. What should I do?? should I give up? BTW, he's and aquarius and i'm a sagittarius.

Thank you in advance for reading..:)

Anonymous said...

SCORPIOWOMAN here, thank you for your response.

Quick question do you think he is a viable character for a No Contact period so he can think about me not being in his life and possibly make him realize he does want a serious relationship with me?

Anonymous said...

Hello All! Cappy Girl Here (I have been writing on 2 threads, this one and disappearing man)
When Taurus Guy freaked out and said he couldn't date (he had talked about the future and I think he freaked himself out...plus I hadnt read the articles and so was playing along vs couching my responses with "maybe, someday") I said fine and enacted no contact....um mostly! I slipped a week later and sent a response to an email, short and sweet and he resonded the next day same thing, THEN I really did no contact!
Yesterday was the 30 days if you didnt count the email, otherwise I had a week more.
I have been dating others and having fun. I did notice that he deleted his online dating profile last week (after updating it the week before and using a lot of things that were in mine! sheeze..coincidence??)
This morning when I woke up he had emailed me on FB!!! (We have never communicated on FB)
He wrote me that he wanted to apologize for letting things go sideways with us and is still confused as to why he allowed that to happen.He confirmed that he doesnt see himself as a seriel dater and that he went into the dates looking for a LTR and had hoped we were headed that way. He then listed a bunch of qualities he liked about me. He says he is really regretting ending things on his end and although he has had a dating profile up it gets no use because he is "not interested in dating anyone....else."
He knows I have moved on and am probably wondering wtf and won't bother me again but wants me to know how much he misses me."Affection and regrets, Taurus Guy"

Um MOA! seriously??? To the day of 30 days!!

Um, now what? BTW I am talking to a couple guys I like and have one date scheduled with one of them but I still bring up "the runner" almost every day to my girlfriend (I know, I'm a dork)
1) I am frightened because I liked him so fast and in a very connected way that if I got to that place again...what is to stop it from happening all over and from a place where I am even more invested (we never were intimate)
2) I know the key is sloooooowwwwww, but if he runs once, isnt that his nature? Do you ever bring it up?
I am not responding at all right now until I read the articles all over again!
Thank you for all your wisdom!!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 11, 4:29 PM,
Don't ask me why, but the 30 day mark is a magical number indeed, LOL ;-) I assume it's because that's the approximate time the male thought process takes to kick in.

No, don't ever bring it up, just LISTEN and OBSERVE and use silence to do so. The more silent you are, the more they reveal. If you do it that way, it isn't necessary to ask because they will eventually OFFER the explanation of their own free will.

"what is to stop it from happening all over and from a place where I am even more invested"

YOU stop it from happening dear. Don't think you're helpless and have no control here - you have control over the situation, so you should use it. You stop it from happening by continuing to date other men while dating him casually (no sex) as well. That way, you don't get wrapped up in one man and remove other options from your life should he decide to bail on you again.

You keep a nice healthy distance - between the times you see him and the times you talk to him and the times you make yourself available to him. The distance provides clarity and helps a woman to keep things in perspective. When you dive in headfirst and put all your eggs into one man's basket - you welcome confusion into the situation and blurred "blinded" vision.

Since he's expressed regret and an apology, it's okay to now open up a dialog with him - but only on occasion and only sporadically. Do not answer to him an do not make your entire world revolve around him UNTIL he PROVES himself as genuinely interested (keeps calling, pursues YOU, initiates communication, requests dates, takes you out, treats you special, etc.)

Only only THEN do you begin to remove the other men from your life, slowly granting him more of your time and attention.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Male, Apr 10, 3:55 PM,
Honestly, I don't think this is a good woman you're referring to here. She sounds like a game player and an immature manipulator to me. It sounds as if she "plays" men against and off of one another in order to manipulate them (nefariously) into competing for her - so she can get what she can get from each one.

If you permit this and permit her back into your life to continue to do so (take you for granted) then there's a very high probability that that's exactly what she'll do. Because the way she's going about things is hurtful, not helpful or done in ways to promote a true, healthy relationship. She's being somewhat malicious and that's not a good sign.

"She posted a picture of two beers and a candle.. and labels it “so romantic”.. and tags this guy in the pic. The guys is the best friend of the guy she slept with back after our first break up."

I hate what I'm thinking right now and don't want to say it, but I'm going to anyway. . .she's giving the appearance that she's a slut :-( It appears that she's not only screwing you over, but that she's meeting men, going through them, and then working her way through all of THEIR friends as well. Not a good sign my friend and not a good woman - not girlfriend material :-(

"What should I do? And if I really do want her back what should I do.. continue NC until she misses me and wants me again?"

You should remove her from your life my friend. If you don't, any more pain, confusion and heartache that comes as a result - you will only have yourself to blame for it as you've permitted it and this type of treatment from her.

I'm not sure why you want a woman like this back in your life or why you'd attempt to make a madonna of a whore (I'm sorry, but it's a reference to the "madonna/whore" psychological complex) but if that's what you want, you can attempt no contact (no response either for 30 days solid).

But if I were you, I'd use NC to simply get over her, rid her from my life and move on my friend. No good will come of this with a woman like that.

Anonymous said...

Oh Gosh MOA! You rock!!

One more question and then I think I can take it from here....(who am I kidding, you know I will be back ;))

Do I still follow waiting 3 days to respond and be a blase and casual with an email (since he emailed me)something like, "it was great to hear from you. Life has been crazy busy! We should talk sometime:) Cappy Girl"

I am just a little confused about how to respond since he was apologetic and I didnt get just a "Hey" or other such nonsense.

Just a reminder, he lives 2 hours away so there is no casual running into each other chance.

Thanks MOA you are transforming my whole philosophy of dating for the better!!

-Cappy Girl



Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror
My long disatnce man has decided after 1 year he wants to keep it very casual what do i do?

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA,
Here's my story, my ex LDR gf broke up with me without us having any closure. She just stopped talking to me. We didn't really had a fight. I think she got pressured by me when she was too busy at work and make her feel that it was okay with me to call it quits which isn't. During our relationship she's the one who always initiates contact and she wanted to talk to me everytime but when she got busy with work I was the one who initiates contact and wants to talk to her but when I've noticed that she's not talking to me like before, I panicked. So I started saying stupid things like if she's not interested anymore she could just tell me and that it's okay with me. She's the type of girl that always wanted assurance during our relationship, and very vocal with what she feels. After a month of NC she texted me saying she's sorry without telling me the reason why, and then she wishes me well. She also told me that she knows that I would find the right girl for me. She always tells me how she feels before but why isn't she telling it to me now. Does she want me to figure it out on my own?Telling me to find the right girl does it mean she wants me to tell her that she's the right girl for me?I don't know what to think anymore. I want her back and she's worth to get back with. Please help me :( thanks..
Nick

Anonymous said...

My man often respond to my messages and calls late like 2-3 days.but when im not trying to initiate cohtact,he will send me a message but too late.im tired of this behavior. How should i respond to this.

Anonymous said...

Virgo woman here..

My boyfriend and I often agrees to a certain time to talk but he often forgets. And it takes like 12 hrs or days before he respond.that is when i stop initiating contact. Maybe he thinks im mad. So he ll send me sweet messages after that like nothing had happened like he didnt realize that he forgot that he had promised to talk to me earlier. Yestrday, he said we ll talk in the evening. I got no call even a message from him just to notify me if hes busy or whatsoever so we cant make it that night. Nothing. I even called him to check if hes busy but he didnt bother to text last night.Then today he texted me twice. First he asked how i was doing. Then i didnt reply. He texted again to say goodnight,i love u...sweet talk..you know..like nothing happened. I didnt reply to both messages. Im tired of this and i want him to realize his fault..if he doesnt know..please help me with this. Thank you so much!

Anonymous said...

If a guy used "no contact" on me, I'd be pissed. It would actually push me further away, and then it would make me move on much faster. I really don't like when a guy tries to play games like that with me. Anyways, my point is, this method does not work on everyone.

Anonymous said...

Before i start id like to thankyou for your site and help alot of good advice but still im just going to write down my story to see what you think....Basically my ex finished with me 4wks this tuesday he basically just said i dont want to be with you anymore and i walked away once he said it. He then txted me saying i dont want to lose it all and i dont want to throw it away i said dont play games you said you dont want to be with me so thats it, he then messaged that evening hello i ignored it because i thought he needed space to think perhaps then 2 days later i was very upset and asked messaged him sayin im sorry i didnt make u happy and i didnt think you would leave me. (he was always so into me, always contacting and wanting to tlk and know where i was) He didnt reply then 2days later i tried to call nothing i then went away for a wk but still messaged him hello? i miss u and other things nothing. then when i returned it was worse because i felt even more upset that i was back home and alone my mum messaged him saying you could atleast reply to my daughter she is sad he ignored it and then messaged saying he was sorry i was sad but his feelings changed i ignored it and felt better as it had been 4 days i hadnt contacted him and so 2 days after he txted me he rang and i thought i was for his phone he gave me but i ignored it and then another call the next day he rang again and i ignored then he said see you behaviour then u wonder why? i said i will send ur post but i dont wish to tlk (as i was ngry for him ignoring and not caring when i was sad) so then he called again and i answered and sid WHAT DO YOU WANT? he said to tlk i said i wanted to tlk 3 wks ago and u didnt he said i walked away and havent contacted him (lie) and i said i dont want to see u or spk u will get ur phone. he said he wants to meet to tlk about it and then maybe be friends i said we cnt when i hung up he messaged sayin u cnt even see the point to tlk i said u said its over so it is fine u have changed feeling so its done but tht evening i felt terrible and mean so i messaged saying sorry and if i cud have my cd he ignored me then next day i heard his song and was upset so i told him he ignored tht too and then i said ok so u moan about my behaviour but u wont reply to me. and then this morning i stupidly messaged him again and hes ignored tht too :( now im bk to sq 1 and he probably thinks im crazy. i dont know what to do now!!! i thought after i txted him from sayin i dont want to see or hear from u he would know i do care and call me but hes being mean again i hope i have hurt or ruined things.

Anonymous said...

I just recently began online dating after being married for 20 years and joined ok cupid in March 2013. I have been married for almost 20 years so I am clueless on dating and how to date. I've been mistreated and put down for so long that my self esteem is low but I'm working very hard and am in therapy twice a week and am working with a healer also. I have made so much progress in my recovery in 1 year, I, myself am amazed. BUT - I met this guy on ok cupid, had lunch with him, he emailed couple hours after our lunch asking if I'd like to do an evening /dinner thing. I responded the next day yes then heard nothing back from him for 2 days so I deactivated my account because I felt maybe I wasn't ready for this because I'm still very sensitive right now. Couple hours later, he tracked me down through LinkedIn and I got an email from him in my personal email. Mind you, I never gave him my last name or told him where I worked or where I lived during our lunch. I have an unusual first name and he knew what I did for a living. I emailed him sure and we had a dinner date last Sunday night. It was nice, conversation flowed, never a dull or awkward moment then it was time to leave. He valeted his car. I parked my on the street. He asked to walk me to my car. I said no that's ok. He asked again and I said no that's ok again. I hugged him said I had a nice time. He said ok I have your email and phone number. I said good then walked away. Next morning I emailed him said thanks had a nice time. He emailed back within the hour saying he had a nice time too but was confused by the way I left. I apologized and said I'm awkward at these type of situations, had a nice time nonetheless. He emailed back saying he figured it was a nervous reaction or a this-guy-is-a-douche reaction. He also said how he thought it was cute that I apologized and how I am a bit apprehensive of the whole thing but that I didn't need to be that way with him b/c he's a pretty straight guy and as long as I was straight with him I wouldn't hurt his feelings. He's a Scorpio also. My b'day in November 8th, his is November 5th. I didn't know if I should email him back so I didn't until the next day after speaking to my best friend and to my therapist and I said hi, it's me, would you like to get together again so you can walk me to my car? Within 15 minutes he emailed me back saying he would like that then he threw out a hike on Sunday. I responded and said a Sunday hike would be great. We emailed one liners back and forth about logistics and his last one liner was Wednesday, April 3rd, mine was Thursday, April 4th. It's been 3 days and I haven't heard back.

Am I getting blown off or am I being neurotic?

Is it just that he's busy?

I don't like the way this feels at all and I'm now I can't think of anything else but him - I don't like this at all and am seriously thinking of retreating from this insanity (all caused by me) because perhaps I'm just not ready for all of this.

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA:-)

i have a long distance relationship. And its killing me when my boyfriend of 2 years doesnt return my calls and texts for hours and sometimes days. But when i ignore him he gets busy again.. and after i initiate contact again, he starts to disappear, like i dont exist, again. i am sick of his games. Should i let him know im mad or should i pretend like
Im fine. Im planning to ignore him completely because i cant take this anymore but i dont know how to weigh things because im not sure if he knows that im not okay with what he's doing. And if i needed to talk about break ups, i cant find a right time, because hes in public most of the time. I dont want to mess things up. So i really want to break up with him face to face. Its just not possible in my case. BTW, we had planned to meet when i got home by 2014. But i cant wait to break the news. I want to cool off the relationship until we meet. Do you think im helping him learn his lessons that way?

Thanks!
- aubrey

Anonymous said...

@Please help me. I am a women who has been on and off with a man for almost two years now. At the start of our relationahip he was very caring and liked me vry much. As time moved on we drifted apart and he started to just use me to get his bit. The only times we meet is when we bump into eachother on nights out and we normally get togehter then. H e has been imppying the no contact rule for over three weeks since our last encounter. I really am mixed up to weatehr he likes me or not and i know he doesnt want a relationship but i love him too much to let him go. i was planning on contacting him and talking to him about it but i feel i am the one caving now, please give me some advice on what to do? also he told my friends to let me know that he wasnt ignoring me its juts he has lots of work to do recently, impplying hes still interested ?

Zagorra_desertrose said...

Hi Mirror, I need your advice real badly!

About fourteen years ago (!!) I had a short relationship (aprx. 4 months) with my ex. I met him at a chat, telling me he was miserable in relationship and was in process of ending things. We communicated a lot, had a few dates and I had a strong feeling we had something going. He was showering me with attention (chatting, calling, coming over at work for luch or coffee, dating etc.) This went on for a few months, then I became suspicious of him never going to end this relationship of his. So I started to confront him more, he was telling me it was so hard for him bla, bla bla...
I ended the relationship with some hardcord NO-CONTACT. Never heard of him in years...
I got married two years after this and still am and having kids etc.
A couple of months ago he contacted me through social media after 14 years. In the beginning I was just curious about him so we got back in contact through msn. The contact exists only only on text, no phonenumbers exchanged, no dates etc. He also has a partner for two years with kids (not his). I told him I was happely married. Still he kept talking to me about our relationship, remenissing about the great times we had. Then all of a sudden feelings started to come back. He convinced me having those feelings too, even sexual ones. For about 5 weeks he was contacting me every day at work and talk to me for 2 to 3 hours a day on chat.
Still I was very confused about this contact and the fact that I do love my husband and don't want to cheat on him. He told me he had the same reservations about this. Still every time we were talking on the net, he started to tell me how much he missed being in my arms, etc. etc. Then he started to lower the amount of contact, maybe once or twice a week, telling me being busy.
I told him what he wanted from me, then he answers vagely like I dont know, bla bla. Then Ik answered that I did not feel comfortable anymore talking about these matters on internet. Either be just friends, or meet in real life to talk this over and make some serious decisions (ending, affaire, or new relationship). I told him I could not make any assumptions based just on "internet contact". Also told him that being a mistress is just not my thing. he told me he would think about it (meeting in real life). A few days later, I just had a brief moment of contact (on purpose, just to appear not clingey to him). After that, he ignores me completely without any first notification of no-contact. It's been 14 days now. I'm wondering if just to end this (I don't like to be treated this way, makes me realise I truely don't want to get back together and certainly not cheat on my husband who I love dearly).
Then again I really want to confront him and give him a piece of my mind and then end it..
I'm confused, what should I do?? Please help me, I need to get out of this situation on my terms!!

VirgoPal said...

Anytime a man is having frequent contact with another woman..ask yourself, what the hell do they want? Of course he's not going to say blatantly he wants to sleep with you. He's hoping you will read between the lines. He is just a player who is looking into his "black book" for potential partners who are vulnerable.

He is calling you everyday to induce intimate thoughts within you...getting you to think about the good times and distract you from the obvious. Good riddance....block his freaking number or else you are going to lose too! He has no respect for your wedding vows, and honestly, why would you want to associate with someone like that?

I think Mirror of Aphrodite would agree too!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I do agree, LOL. He'll wreck your life then disappear. If you want out of it on your own terms, you simply tell him that you're a married woman who loves her husband. You tell him to leave you alone and to buzz off. It's simple.

Aquarius Lady said...

@TheMirrorOfAphrodite and others :)

I wasn't sure where to post this but it's a real eye opener! Sorry in advance for bad grammar etc..

I was watching a reality tv series today called 'Made in Chelsea' and a couple have been going through some hard times as the boyfriend cheated... I don't think it was the first time he cheated either. The woman takes the guy back again; despite her friends warning her its the wrong thing to do because this guy has been a super JERK. Consequently, the guy begins to have doubts as to whether he actually wants to be with her (probably because he thinks she's weak and insecure). The guy has managed to turn the tables on her and she starts texting him repeatedly "Hi babe"... "Wubby why don't you answer" etc etc he just reads the messages and ignores her... They finally meet up and he tells her how he feels and she gets emotional and repeatedly says "You're always disrespecting me, that's all you ever do" He then looks at her with disgust and say's "How can I respect you when you let me cheat on you". She trys to hit him after this and he say's "You're probably going to go home and cry now like you always do, and you know what I hope you do" <<<< BOOOOOM!! There you go it's as clear as day!! Guys EXPECT to be punished for their bad behaviour and if they're not they will LOSE respect for you and your value decreases in their eyes. This guy was probably thinking that she KNOWS he disrespects her yet she puts up with it... she is weak and insecure. I hope this has hit home for some people... It definitely did for me.

Mirror you are SO right with your articles and I thank you... seriously I'm seeing things I didn't before. I will not fall into that trap again. And I'm still going strong with no contact. Day 27!

x

Anonymous said...

Mirror thank you so much for this article. I am a bit concerned though. I don't have a disappearing hunk. In fact he wants to spend time with me. But I he does blow hot and cold a lot. One minute he is talking about marriage and babies and the next minute he is saying we are just friends.

Will the no contact rule help me get a more definitive statement out of him with regards to the status of our relationship?

I should also note that he has suffered with mental health issues in the past ie paranoia and schitzaphrenia which he has recovered from now but I dont want to 'mess with his head'... Are these strategies still viable under those circumstances?

Anonymous said...

ok, just making sure Ive done the right thing. I have been friends with a guy since we were kids. Ten years ago we ended up sleeping together but he said he didnt want a relationship. It hurt but I got myself together and moved on, although we did stay in touch odd email, bump into each other etc. We both married other people. Our contact increased in the last couple of years, both having marriage difficulties and in the last couple of months through totally random and unconnected circumstances, his wife left him and I left my husband. We started spending time as friends and of course, he went to kiss me and things went on from there for a few weeks, to sleeping with each other a couple of times. He then says that he isnt over his wife (they have a child) and isnt sure if he feels that way about me but needs time to think about it (3 months specifically??). I'm not the kind of gal to sit around waiting for someone to decide if they want to be with me, but this long lasting friendship clouds my judgment. Following his revelation, I said that I was taking time out for a while and have gone off the radar. Will this change his perception of me - I have never gone off the radar in 25 years with him- or should I just accept the last thing he said, and cut and run for good this time? What kind of time frames should I be aiming for in either scenario? My instinct says he is just seeing if there is anything better out there or his wife wants him back? Thanks for any help!!

Serena said...

Great post! My ex hasn't contacted me for a few months as he moved to another town, i sent him a text and straight away he text back asking if i wanted to meet up next time he was in town - but do i reply to this message? i don't want him to think he can just pick up where he left off after one lousy message? But i am scared if i ignore it he will get annoyed and move on as we havn't spoken in a while anyway? what do you suggest i do? I really do want to see him when he is in town, but he did say it was in a few weeks, so i am hoping if i ignore him now that he will text again when in town to ask again? but then putting yourself out there is hard and he might not do it twice...

Anonymous said...

This article is great! I need advise. So I broke up with my ex of 5 years becasue I caught him texting another girl and lied about it i got fed up and had to think of my future. Since the break-up he has text it me everyday like "goodmorning" "hope you have a good day" "how is your family" and etc... at first I was giving him short responses till he would I got confused of where he was going with this. When I stopped flowers and a card show up in my house. I did the mistake to invite him to dinner and it was good we did not talk about the relationship after that he text it me but again I pulled away bc I just did not know what his intentions where bc he was not telling me directly he wanted to get back. The weekened came and he did not text me so when he did I ignored him for a couple of days till he text me saying that if I wanted him to stop to just say it and he will. I text it him saying that I did not get what he was trying to do with the text messages and flowers, he later replied saying "im sorry for being nice and doing nice things" that really pissed me off because that jist confused me. I would think people do that bc they want to get back with a person so after that I just stopped texting him and havent since then. Im really confused in what he is trying to do. He is still on my account for phone and I have to take him off so should I contact him and then stop after that

mydestiny said...

Hi MOA, where are you? Are you in NC?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Nick,
I believe your girlfriend felt the roles were unnaturally reversed - she was forced to be the leader (the masculine role) while you sat back and played the submissive (feminine role) and let her carry the bulk of the burden of keeping the relationship going.

Then, when you began initiating and taking on more of a leadership role, if you didn't immediately get the reaction you were seeking, you became insecure and she sensed it.

It's unnatural for a woman to pursue a man my friend. And if you force a woman to do that, she may for a while, but eventually, she will be disappointed, she will become exhausted and she will leave :-(

Dating should go something like this:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/courtship-dating-benefits.html

And you may also want to read this:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/modern-man-power-failure-to-earn.html

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@MyDestiny,
I'm here. And I take an awful lot of time creating these articles and it appears that as of late, many of the folks commenting are not reading the entire article. Rather, they are asking questions in the comments for answers that are already provided in the article.

Questions such as:

How should i respond to this.
What do i do?
I want him to realize his fault..if he doesnt know..please help me with this.
I dont know what to do now!!!
Do you think im helping him learn his lessons?
Should i let him know im mad or should i pretend like Im fine?
Please give me some advice on what to do?
I'm confused, what should I do??
What kind of time frames should I be aiming for?
Do i reply to this message?
Should I contact him and then stop after that?"

Folks are commenting on a "no contact" article and then asking if they should initiate contact, LOL. Time frames are being requested that are already provided in the article. They're asking what to do and the answer to that is already provided in the article as well, LOL.

Regretfully, I cannot clog up the comments thread by continually repeating myself and duplicating what I've already written in the article as it's not helpful to the rest of the community to see duplication time and time again.

At some point, it becomes a "choice" and a matter of using one's "free will" to take what one has learned and skillfully apply it to their daily lives.

So for commenters here seeking advice, please folks - read the article. The answers that you seek are already there waiting for you to absorb them :-)

smiles said...

Smiles here! I told my story April 11 3:49. I read the NC article again and will follow accordingly!!

Thank you!!!

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