"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

Dating: When, Why, How, To Use No Contact

There are many dating rules out there, but it’s the tried and true ones, the old fashioned traditional ways of doing things, that really do work, which is why certain rules have held true and lasted over the years.

One of those rules happens to be the No Contact Rule. In this handy little guide, I’m going to explain to you the how, when and why’s of this rule: how to use no contact, when to use no contact and why to use no contact when dating. Because this handy little dating rule serves more than just one purpose and has more than just one use.

I’m going to be speaking to the ladies here, but men, this applies to you as well. But I don’t have to tell you that. You guys are well versed in this dating rule and put it to use regularly. But for those men who may not be familiar with it, read on.

When And Why To Use The No Contact Rule When Dating


When A Man Suddenly Disappears On You

No Contact is a handy little trick to attempt to lure someone back to you – by disappearing on THEM. As most women already know, powerful attraction builds for a man that suddenly, and without warning, disappears. Why? Because you begin to think about them constantly.

Where did he go? Is there someone else? Why did he disappear? It doesn’t matter if all the thinking taking place is actually negative in nature, it only matters that all that thinking is actually taking place.


Why?

Because when someone thinks about you constantly, it actually creates intense attraction for them. Playing hard to get works, ladies, which is why it’s another one of those good ole’ fashioned rules that’s stuck around. Psychologically, people tend to want what they can’t have. It’s called the Law of Scarcity and it works in economics and in relationships.

It’s a scientific fact – uncertainty heightens romantic attraction. So if you’re worried he’ll think you’re not interested and then be gone for good, don’t bother thinking that. That’s just your insecurities talking, that’s just you thinking you’re not good enough. But YOU ARE good enough. Have faith in yourself that you’re worth it – and that he thinks you are, too. Don’t sell yourself short because how you perceive yourself – is how others will perceive you as well.

You see, when he’s uncertain as to whether or not you really like him, it’s actually a good thing. It keeps him interested. It keeps him coming around. It makes him want to win you over. It makes him work harder at the relationship. All those things it does to you when it happens to you – it does to him as well.

When a man disappears on you and you worry that he may be gone for good - when he resurfaces suddenly, do you kick him to the curb? Nope. Well, it works the same for men, gals. When you disappear on them suddenly and without warning and then you resurface out of nowhere, they’re unlikely to kick you to the curb. Rather, nine times out of ten, the individual is thrilled you’ve returned.

Men know this, ladies. They use this dating rule regularly – on YOU.

When You Want Your Ex Back

This handy dandy little dating rule can also be used to lure an ex back into your tangled web. If you’ve overwhelmed your ex with neediness, emotional displays, tons of questions about his feelings for you, anger and frustration and, as a result, he dumped you and now you want him back - employ the rule of no contact immediately. Why? To make him think he was wrong about you - and to make him miss you.

Why?

Because men are human too, ladies. They miss people and they’ll miss you when you suddenly disappear and they’re ringing your phone and texting you and you’re not answering or responding to them. That’s when the roles gets reversed and now THEY’RE thinking about YOU constantly. And all that thinking, negative or not, is actually going to create an intense attraction for you. The point is to stay away so long that the man actually begins to “long” for you.

Men equate “longing” for someone with love, ladies.

To Get Over A Man

Yep, the no contact rule is truly a handy dandy little rule with lots of uses. And the last use is to help you get over a bad breakup with a man – to help you emotionally detach from him. Why do you want to detach from him? So you can move on, think about him less, and allow room to meet other men and cease the unhealthy obsessive thought patterns and embarrassing behavior that ultimately, only makes you feel worse about yourself and helpless.

Why?

You see, when you desperately hang on, when you remain in communication with an ex, you’re doing yourself a big injustice. You’ll never get over him if you’re still communicating with him. So do yourself a big ole’ favor here and stop doing that, right now.

If you want the pain to go away, ladies – you have to make HIM go away, because he IS your pain.

How To Use The No Contact Rule When Dating


When A Man Suddenly Disappears On You OR When You Want Your Ex Back

Generally, the no contact rule is a 30 day rule. How to do this is, when a guy suddenly disappears on you without warning or breaks up with you and you want him to notice you again, you get his attention by suddenly disappearing on HIM – you make him experience the consequences.

It’s what’s best for him and you. That’s how you learn lessons in life, that’s how you learn not to repeat your mistakes and that’s how you experience personal growth and develop coping skills. And yes, they call them “growing pains” for a reason – they hurt. So expect it to hurt and brace yourself for a wonderful period of self-awareness and personal growth.

You disappear for 30 days. You do not take his calls. You do not respond to his texts. You do not communicate with him via social media. You do not communicate or respond at all, period, for 30 days. You stay gone and all he hears are crickets chirping in the dead of night.

After not hearing from you or receiving a response from you for 30 days, he'll begin to think this . . watch the video below, a song called "Madness" by Muse, and pay close attention to what this man is doing in these lyrics here - he's THINKING - about the WOMAN, and what HE did WRONG and how he's now READY to face the fact that he needs to LOVE:


Some woman most likely pulled "no contact" on his ass there.

So then, after a 30 day time period (30 days from the time you decided to use the no contact rule) and lots of time for him to think, you suddenly and without warning – resurface. And you do so by either:

1.) Finally responding to a question from one of his last communications (if he’s asked one)

2.) Simply saying, “Hello, how are you?”

And when communication is reinstated – you keep it short and sweet. You don’t share your emotions, you don’t cry, you don’t text back and forth like lightening for 5 hours and you don’t have long, drawn out 3 hour telephone conversations in an attempt to hash things out. You play it cool. You’re busy, you’re independent, you’re confident and you have a life. You “check in” is all. You make small talk and nothing more.

And from that point forward, you play it cool. You take an hour or so to respond to texts. You return calls a day or so later. You don’t accept last minute date requests, he has to make plans with you 3 days in advance or – you’ve already made plans (even if you haven’t, you pretend as if you have – remember, you have a life and you want to give him the impression that you’re busy, healthy and others desire your time as well). This is how you set healthy boundaries, earn respect and get him to treat you with fairness and kindness.

If he’s started out after the no contact period correctly but then suddenly relapses into bad behavior again, then you employ “behavioral mirroring” with him. If he disappears on you for 3 days, you don’t respond for 3 days. If he takes 24 hours to answer a text, you take 24 hours to respond. If he says he’ll call and he doesn’t, when he does, you don’t answer it and you respond to it 3 to 5 days later. And if he really begins misbehaving and taking you for granted again – you employ the no contact rule all over again for 30 days. This is how you create fairness and balance in a relationship and how you hold your own and you don’t get plowed over again.

This is how you earn a man’s respect, ladies. If you’re a pushover, then that’s exactly what he’s going to do to you – push you over.

When You Need To Get Over A Man Or A Breakup

Breakups hurt, rejection hurts. And most times, they hurt women more than men because of all the emotions women are capable of having that men are not. Men don’t analyze things or beat themselves up. Men PROJECT their emotions – outward and onto others. Women ABSORB their emotions – and beat themselves up.

If you want the pain to go away, you need to walk through those emotions and accept the reality. The only way to get rid of the pain is to feel the pain, to work through it and to learn to cope with your emotions in a healthy manner. To make that process much easier for yourself, you employ the no contact rule.

You do not, under any circumstances, communicate with the man. If you do, you’ll have to experience the consequences of your OWN decisions here – you’ll experience pain again, because you’ve permitted it. So you ignore his calls, you don’t respond to his texts, you remove him from any of your social media profiles and you put the past in the past.

If you remain in contact with your ex, you’ll never heal and you’ll continue to experience the hurt. You must cease contact for your own good. If you want the pain to go away, get rid of the pain – he IS your pain - and you need to get rid of him.

This will help you to think of him less and less as the days go on. You will begin to detach from him and from all of the negative emotions and damaging thought processes. You will no longer feel the intense desire to cling to him or to reach out to him. You will begin to feel better about yourself and you will begin to make room in your life for a new man – one that treats you with respect and kindness.

Using the no contact rule to get over a man - helps you to actually get over him.

And there you have it, a handy dandy little guide to employing the no contact rule properly when dating. There are many times in life ladies, that you must learn to say “no” and actually take responsibility for your own happiness and stop blaming the man when it’s actually YOU permitting this unhappiness. If you want things to change – then YOU have to change. You have to learn to be happy, with or without a man, and you need to stop living under the false impression that you need a man to make you happy.

Your happiness doesn’t come from a man, it comes from within yourself - and you radiate it, like warm sunshine.

So get comfortable with the phrases below:

“No, I won’t tolerate this.”

“No, this is unacceptable.”

“No, I won’t permit you to treat me like this”

“No, I will not be available to you when you treat me with disrespect and take me for granted.”

It’s Simple Gals


If you don’t look out for yourself and treat yourself with respect, then why would anyone else? Men want sex. Women want romance. So the best (and only) way for a man to have sex with you – is to romance you. Period, case closed. It’s a tradeoff, and a fair and equal one at that.

So make them do that, ladies: No romance = no sex. It’s simple.

Learn to say “no” and set healthy boundaries in your relationships and you will actually find that you will begin to feel empowered. You will develop a healthy self-esteem. You will feel confident. You will signal to men that you need to be treated with respect. You will grow dignity. You will find that you worry less and less about impressing a man – and you become more and more focused on a man impressing YOU (romancing you).

You have something he wants (sex): Make him work for it (romance).

Do that and you will be happy. You will be treated with respect and kindness. Give it away for free and you’ll be taken for granted by a man who never wants to lift a finger for you or impress you or give you what you need (romance).

This is not game playing, ladies. This is setting healthy boundaries for yourself, looking out for yourself and earning respect for yourself – and making a man treat you with such.

And here’s the harsh reality, ladies. Recent studies have shown that the modern day woman kisses approximately 75 frogs before finding her Prince Charming. So realize that when you stand your ground and demand respect, lazy men, users, and players seeking sex for free will walk away from you. But that’s a good thing because you’re weeding your way through the worthless ones that would’ve only hurt you anyway.

So if 74 frogs leap away from you – realize that the 75th is on his way to you.

It’s the good ole’ fashioned way of doing things. Back in the day, they called it courting. Try it, it works.

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2516 Comments:

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Anonymous said...

@MOA
So what do I need to do?Is there any way I could get her back :(
-Nick

Anonymous said...

Hi! My boyfriend and I broke up after two and a half years together at the end of January. It started out as a break but I panicked and it turned into a break up. I kept calling and texting non stop, sometimes sending hundreds of text messages in a day and a few times calling 65-300 times in one night. Then I would go three days or so without calling him n then break and he would talk to me a bit and we would be ok, but then I would start to panic again and the cycle would start. This has been going on for 11 weeks. Finally, the last time I panicked, he ignored me all together for three weeks and the one day I really panicked and started calling crazy, he threatened to block my number. I panicked that time because I got a clue that he might have a new girlfriend. The other day i told him i was robbed at gunpoint and he finally broke the silence and showed concerned and even said that he would try to find some money to send me (we're jobless college seniors). Then yesterday, after calling around 25 times, he finally answered and was very annoyed. I was just trying to ask why he had been ignoring me and treating me coldly and why he wouldnt answer my question about whether or not he had a girlfriend. He told me that the girlfriend situation was none of my business, and that its over and all but whispered for me to move on. When i asked if thats what he wanted me to do he hesitated and said yea pretty low. I told him he wasnt even being a friend and he said its because his other friends dont call 65 times in one night. I have cried and apologized. I even sent two small gifts, one for valentines day n one just because over the past 11 weeks. We're in two different states for school but are from the same city. We were already in school when we started, so most of our relationship has been long distance. I miss him so much and he is being so cold and distant and he keeps threatening to block my number if I keep calling like crazy. I know he told me to move on, even though he all but whispered it, but did I really ruin my chances of fixing this by trying to fix it too early? We will be home for summer in a few weeks, do you think he will come around if I just fall off the face of the earth for awhile? We were so in love. Planned our wedding, named our children, went on vacation, he even rode the greyhound 15 hours there and 15 hours back to come see me several times. He's not perfect but he's really a good person, and I didn't mean to mess things up and push things to this point. Will he ever come back around?

Anonymous said...

Is is right to pull the no contact rule if he has gone quiet to do with personal issues like his nan passing away and he has children and he is having kids/ex issues. Wouldn't it seem cold in this instance? I' really appreciate some feedback on this situation?

He is telling me some stuff but going days between it and I have to bug him sometime to get this information.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous April 18, 11:03AM,
I hate to say this dear, but no, I don't think he'll be back. And honestly, you're not emotionally stable enough to deal with the ups and downs of a relationship in a healthy manner right now it appears.

Calling someone 65 times in one day and sending 300 texts a day is not a sign of emotional stability dear. And it may even get you brought up on harassment charges and arrested for stalking and harassment.

My advice would be to gracefully accept that this is over and work on yourself. Behavior such as that will not yield you success in any relationship regardless of who it's with. You need to practice self discipline and self control or your behavior is going o get you in trouble. Additionally, it's a sure fire way to push someone away...not draw them to you. How old you like it if someone treated you like that...would you be attracted to them? Probably not dear.

Work on yourself and forget any type of relationship right now. You may even want o consider seeking professional help sweetie, for anxiety disorder.

When someone avoids you, you don't need answers. Answers don't change things, they just hurt more. When someone ignores you, their behavior tells you all you need to know. Hunting them down and demanding answers is pointless.

Work on yourself dear and forget about him.

smiles said...

@Anonymous April 18th 11:26am,

I would love an answer to that question as well. In short:

1. BF broke up with me last december. Told me he didn't see me in his future as his wife but loves hanging out with me because I make him feel happy.
2. I stupidly tried to be friends (no sex or anything romantic) with him over the past 3 months in hopes of getting him back.
3. Found THIS site 3 weeks ago and i'm kicking myself because I did a lot of things wrong AND he STILL contacts me.
4. He also has family and personal things he's dealing with that are pretty big (he's shared them with me).
5. I realize now being friends won't work for me but I don't want to tell him because i've said it before and I always came back around. I just want to do it.
6. Wondering if going NC (I started last Friday) is being cold since he is dealing with a lot OR, should I implement your guidelines under "The disappearing reappearing man" article?

Thank you MOA. I'll do whatever you suggest.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Smiles,
The choice is yours dear. You have all the tools you need to make an informed decision. Follow your gut and heed your instincts and do what's best for YOURSELF - and cease unnecessary worrying for HIM. ;-)

You're important and so is your happiness. Don't sacrifice yourself for a man that's told you there's no future with him. Think of yourself, not him.

smiles said...

Thank you. I knew you would say that. I know what to do..:)

By the way, your articles are the best on relationships. Equally awesome for reminding women how important they are. And funny as hell. I shake my head in agreement while reading and always say.."she's so right!"

Thank you for all you do. You need to write a book.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Smiles,
Thank you :-)

It's really just good old common sense and use of free will. . .and a pinch of sarcastic humor, LOL ;-)

GeorgiePie said...

Hi MM of A,
I have a dilemma. I have been seeing a man off and on for the past year. We are currently "off". The last time we separated (back in Jan)was due to me panicking when he went away for a weekend to a family wedding, and I put the pressure on him when he did not contact me the whole time he was away. His reaction was "I can't do this, it is not for me". Yet we had just spent the entire 4 weeks of Christmas hols with each other and my daughter and his son.
Anyway, I followed the NC rule, and have only just reconnected with him after 3 months. In the past it has always been him that has initiated contact with me. (3 times) I grappled with the concept of initiating contact, but hey, I fell for the "scarcity" and "fear of loss" tactic, and succumbed to contact. He responded immediately with "Hey, hard case, I have been thinking about you a lot today, how have you been, hows the kids, work, family?" So I responded. But he is a guy with trust issues, and has a family background that causes him to seriously doubt himself and have bouts of low self esteem, and in the past he has acted as if he feels I dont care when I dont contact him, its as if he is waiting for me, and if I dont contact him he is too scared to initiate as he may be rejected. He hates to be vulnerable, as all men do I guess. So do I stick to my guns and continue to wait to be pursued, or do I squash his insecurities and contact him? or am i reading him wrong? Thanks so much for all the energy and time you give, it is appreciated :)

Anonymous said...

so he ignored more for 3wks after he left me!! then once he contacted me after ignoring my txts/calls i didnt want to speak to him so i ignored him and then he said look at your behaviour he then rang again and i was so mad i responded and asked what he wanted he said he wanted to talk i said its too late now because he had caused me so much pain and id waited 3wks i was angry but now regret it and he wont answer me now :( what to do now? all my friends say if he cared he would of been back by now. He said he wants to talk about it then maybe friends but i think i hurt him when i said i dont want to see or speak to you as ill be upset. I dont know if he was suggesting to meet just to collect his belongings?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@GeorgiePie,
Insecure guys make crappy boyfriends, husbands and lovers dear. They will exhaust you, you will have to do ALL of the work to keep the relationship going, they will never treat you special and it will always be about them.

Contacting him won't squash his insecurities, it'll boost his ego and before you know it, you'll have created a monster here.

If he can't man up now, he will never man up later. Keep that in mind. Do you want to date a man - or a mouse?

Anonymous said...

Hi Aphrodite,
I met this guy 2 monhts ago on a dating site, we exchanged emails and set up a date in a very posh bar. The conversation was flowing, it felt great but at the same time it became clear that this man is very rich; he is a stakeholder in Asset Management company. I recently divorced my husband who was a Managing director.So we used to have a high standard of living but not anymore. I tried to play with this guy someone I am not anymore. (Currently I am unemployed, renting a crappy appt with hardly any furniture,very unhappy and my ex does not pay any alimony...- just to paint the pic). I am able to talk about trading, high life etc, because that is what I was used to; living with someone on 150k salary...This guy seemed to like me but he said he was looking for someone happy, who has moved on from his past and does not burden the dates with her unresolved past. So I appreciated that he was honest with me and explained it. Nevertheless, he was oke to have another date- I went to his appt, we talked but had no sex or no touching. Then we agreed to have another date in my appt when I cooked for him. I felt really ackward around him, in the crappy place, when my comments about the high life I had are obviously in contrast to how I live now...He ate the dinner, moved on the sofa and started kissing me. I do not like kissing so he asked how many men did I have in my life and he thinks I am very inexperienced and naive. He proceeded to the bed where we actually had sex. And then he asked a question, which completely made me angry: he asked can I f*** you from Bhind? I got so angry, I said I do not want any man to talk to me in such a language when in bed with me. I went to the baathroom, came back and said that if he thinks this is the way how to speak to a woman in bed, he should go somewhere else and pay for it. He said I am horrible to leave for the baathroom, to leave him there alon, he said it was horrible and he left. Unfortunatelly I got slightly drank as I was so nervous because of his status and wealth. I did not stop talking about the rich men I dated in the past (bankers, senior execs)...The guy said it was horrible and left in the middle of the night. 2 days later I texted him that I assume he is utterly disinterested but I still want to keep the lines clear and just to make sure he has no hard feelings towards me. He replied he is totally and utterly disinterested (and I could read in between lines also " disgusted" ) and he has no feelings towards me at all...Any chance I could ever ever ever make a relationship with this man? He sounded like a very honest, loyal and successful mature man (apart from the remark he made in bed - but I guess he acted like that because he considered me some low trash gold digging material...). I like him a lot, I just showed myself in the worst possible light on a 4th date. Please help
LittleTigeress

Anonymous said...

First off, thanks for the article. It is immensely helpful. I have a few situational questions to ask. I have been with a girl for roughly 10 months. We have been on and off a few times, but when things are good, they are awesome. In the past month she has been on and off though. One day she wants to be with me really bad, then the next she treats me like an annoyance. Also, about a month ago she broke it off with me and suggested just being friends and seeing where it goes. I told her I was not interested in being just another one of her friends, but I always seem to get sucked back in. I respond to her messages, answer her calls, and am always there for her. I have from a good source that she is talking and interested in someone else also. Apparently this has developed in the past 2 weeks. I am just trying to figure out if in this situation NC would be a good idea. We have been on good terms recently. Talking, joking, etc., but I am just not sure if this is going to get me anywhere relationship wise. Will NC push her further towards this new "interest", or in your opinion do you think it will draw her back to me? If she contacts me, am I supposed to just ignore her? In this case, at least to me, the lines seem blurred. Thanks for your time!

Anonymous said...

mirror, i find all of these post interesting. I would like your perspective please on a current situation. I am married to a husband who is unfaithful, he has a friend who is in a relationship as well. I ran into this friend unexpectedly at the store and when our eyes met there was an undeniable chemistry there. We started texting for about 2 months, and had finally gotten together resulting with crazy intense making out for about a hour. We didn't have sex but if time had permitted we would have. Texting lasted for about a week after that and now he wont text me back at all and its going on 2 weeks. our avg. text length was always around 3 or more days but I had actually called him and asked what was up and he hasn't responded. It is driving me crazy as to how we could end on such a passionate note. I am totally wiling to have a no string thing with him, but really want to understand what may be the problem. As of now i am not texting or calling or anything, he wont even take my husbands calls? How should I handle this so it could work in my favor? I cant believe he is done with this, but could he be?

Unknown said...

Hi, i met this guy from an online dating but, interesting story behind it.It all started with an email from him and i just knew we were so similar in so many ways. Were both Massage therapist and enjoy the same cultures, music and we both come from the same tribe. We exchanged for about 3 months via email . he was still living in another state before coming back to Florida were i live.On his arrival back to Florida he emailed me expressing "how hot it was her." We lost contact for about 8 months and for good reason.then again the emails started and we finally met up. The minute we saw each other we both knew there was a strong instant attraction on both ends.
We were very much enjoying each others company and had a great night. Tons of phones calls, helping me fix some stuff around the house, cooking for me and even meeting my family and some friends. We haven't been completely intimate yet and have tried but, personal issue on his part that he's working through.
I haven't seen him for 3 weeks and he told me a head of time that this month was so busy for him. He has invited me to the events he was going to so i can be a part of his busy month and i can meet his friends ect...
This week for the first time i did not hear from him for 4 days in till i finally texted him "hey" 6 hours later and almost at midnight he responds back. I did not reply and now he hasn't stopped calling me texting me to see if i still want to go to this festival with him at the last minute. Mind you, i have a part time job in which i got the day off but, now i don't and a 4 year old daughter which i was waiting for him to contact me earlier this week to make it all happen. i did not contact him because i feel like i was getting frustrated with the fact that i haven't spent anytime with him for those 2 weeks ect... i know hes not seeing anyone else and think he's doing to much . We also , live in different counties.
Do i still use the "no contact rule on him for 30 day?" Im thinking he is a pretty honest guy and we are both big in to communication but, i know what i want and what i don't want to put up with. I haven't returned or answered any of his call which he even tried calling me twice last night from his families land line.Sending me several texts really wanting me to join him and getting my ticket for this amazing event. It sucks because it would have been a great chance to meet his parents and friends. He moved back in with his parents because of his dad is dealing with cancer ect... Listen, i think he is an amazing person but, just doesn't have it alll together in a way. He does have an education with a degree and isn't a bum by all means.
i don;t want to be taken by granted now play any games. how and what rule do i apply for this situation from all your blogs?? Also, i has been about 4 years of not really dating anyone of interest as i was taking care of my child and working on me but, i am ready now.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@LittleTigeress,
No dear, this situation simply did not work out. It happens and sometimes folks are just not compatible with one another.

It's best to move on.

"I was so nervous because of his status and wealth. . .I did not stop talking about the rich men I dated in the past"

I'm not sure what all of the focus on wealth is about, but it seems to be preoccupying your mind. We've all dated wealthy men dear. But the focus shouldn't be on the wealth, it should be on the man - his character, his personality, his interest level, his integrity, etc.

Money can't buy you love dear, it's worthless in that department - but a good man can bring richness into your life in ways you've never imagined.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 19, 2:42 PM,
"Will NC push her further towards this new "interest", or in your opinion do you think it will draw her back to me?"

NC is a long term issue - it WILL NOT yield immediate results and should not be expected to. So yes, it may push her towards the other man, BUT, in the LONG RUN, there's a high liklihood that it will draw her back to you.

If you have a long term vision with her, meaning, she's worth fighting for and you can see a future with her - then I'd suggest NC. If you're expecting immediate results and your main goal is only to keep her away from this other man, then no, I don't think it will work.

"If she contacts me, am I supposed to just ignore her?"

Yes, 30 days of no contact, no response. Read the entire article - this NEEDS to happen to jump start a psychological effect that takes place in human behavior. Any deviation from it (breaking NC during the 30 days) will render it useless.

The entire point of NC is to make someone THINK. Where are you? Who are you with? Why aren't you responding? That thought process MUST take place for it to have an effect. Making yourself available to someone during the 30 day period brings the thought process to a screeching halt.

And it's not a guarantee, nothing in life is. But when NC is used, there's a high liklihood that the old "you never know what you've got till it's gone" effect kicks in. (Unless, of course, things went horribly wrong somewhere along the line that created extenuating circumstances - i.e. cheating, lying, stalking, harassment, etc. Things that cannot be forgiven or overlooked by one party that feels strongly about it.)

mydestiny said...

Hi MOA,

"Money can't buy you love dear, it's worthless in that department - but a good man can bring richness into your life in ways you've never imagined".
Great! I'm dating a girl who is really preoccupied by wealth and it's tremendously stressful when she starts talking about it. I do believe that women tend to forget the essential points: Honesty, Integrity and Respect. Without these ingredients what's the value of wealth?!!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 19, 9:02 PM,
What I do here is for the good of all and harm to none dear. I cannot advise you on nefarious behavior that will only manifest pain and negativity (regardless of your husbands behavior).

My suggestion would be - rather than putting time and energy into attempting to have an affair. . .put that time and energy into obtaining an attorney and filing for divorce and doing what's best for yourself.

Two wrongs don't make a right, and they NEVER will dear. Instead, it becomes a situation of "what a tangled web we weave when we attempt to deceive."

Think of yourself here sweetie and put your time and resources into liberating yourself from an apathetic, neglectful, uncaring husband instead. Trust me, in the end, that will bring you MUCH more happiness than any short lived trist will bring you :-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@radha om,
"how and what rule do i apply for this situation from all your blogs?"

The "how" for each tactic is already provided in each article. As for the choice of which one to use, that's your decision. I've provided all of the tools and insights - the application itself is up to you :-)

Anonymous said...

Wow, thanks so much for such a good article! But I have a Q:

I think my boy did the 30 days disappearing act on me.... We had some fight which it was my fault and i let my emotion hurting his ego so he stop contacting me, yesterday he called me out of my surprised (after 5 weeks gone) said sorry and that he really missed me a lot and been suffering from it like he been drinking his own poison everyday....

I told him you dont disappear on someone you really care for.... He asked me to put things behind and start over again. But now his disappearing act got me worried and thinking hard. So my Q is, is it really a good thing to use this 30 days disappearing act to get someone back if you really care for him/her, because once you reappear that person has been through a stage of not trusting you again (like myself now) and im now wondering he did it once so may be in the future if we had issue and he will do it again?

Now Im not sure anymore if we can have a future together....

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous April 20, 12:00PM,
That's why it's necessary for a man to prove himself to a woman. And the way he does this is through repeated, consistent contact, asking for dates, making time for her, treating her special, etc. Until that begin to happen, he doesn't get to dominate your time and you don't make yourself accessible to him at all times.

Everyone takes a chance in love. It goes with the territory. And the only way to truly get to know someone and to gauge a mans interest level, is to invest the time and see if he pursues you.

And in the case of a reappearance, you certainly don't jump right back in where you left off. You start from scratch with casual dating and you also casually (no sex) date other men as well until he's proved that he's genuinely interested and he's reliable and consistent. So that if he does flake again, you're not left standing there with all your eggs in one basket.

http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/dont-initiate-contact.html

Anonymous said...

Hello mirror... I have been reading all of the comments and none really fit my predicament... I am a 38 yr old female recently divorced... I fell in love with a 32 yr old man who promised me the world and even put a ring on my finger. We were together for 7 mths. And very much in love or so I thought...we have been going through a breakup for 3 mths now every time I say no contact it lasts 3 days and he comes back and I accept him and continue to do everything I can to save the relationship then after 2 more days he says he's not sure what he wants and it ends again...this has gone on 3 times...this last time I told him I was done don't call me he was dead to me...does the no contact rule still apply to me?

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your helpful reply!

So in my case I should not first use 30 days disappear back on him? (so he can taste more of his own poison...selfish a$$)

I just ignored his call this morning but only because I was still in bed and didn't want to wake up right away to speak to him, but thinking next call may be i should answer (?) but keep it a friend tone.

Btw, I read and browsed through the link you posted, awesome blog! Did you write those?

Thanks again!
J

Anonymous said...

BTW, we are both Aries...
J

Anonymous said...

Hi, I have a question. My bf of six months just broke up with me a week ago. We got into a stupid fight about the time we were supposed to meet at. I told earlier in the day I was done at 5 and said id meet him at his place and he said ok . Around 530 I'm almost at his condo, I text him hes says he's at the mall with his friend helping him buy shoes. I had already been having a bad day as I got some bad news about a family member dieing so I lost my cool got mad and took it that he had forgot about me , turned around and went home. I text him it wasn't nice of him to forget I'm coming over and kind of blew it bigger than what it was. He said he didn't forget and that he thought it was six not five.. So then the fight grew bigger and he told me I'm pissing him off now . I told him he doesn't care about me and my feelings. It was so silly and I went after to his place to talk but in the end he said he can't deal with me and my outburst (which it really wasn't ) I Didnt yell at him not once.. He said he wanted it over, I cried and begged not to throw our realationship away over something so silly but he said no I'm done . We hugged before I left and he said he'd miss me. It ended ok . But then I got home and stated texting him how bad I felt that I didn't want to lose him and he kept saying its over I can't. There have only been two other times when I've been drunk that I've snapped on him and I promised him I would get to that point again and I haven't . I think this last fight over something silly pushed him over the edge and he just lost it remindingr how I lose me cool , but I don't .. In out day to day life it is amazing we both have said that we've never meet anyone how is better suited to us then eachother . It's like we are the same person we finish eachother sentences we think exactly alike it's just amazing . We don't really have Any big problems at all. Before this last tiff everything was great the perfect realationship and it all changed in a matter of an hour . I don't understand why he is being like this ? We have something so great that neither of has had before on a very intense level, why does he want throw it all away. We were talking getting married in August and going away for our birthdays in June , he's two weeks after me ..where he let it slip he was planning to purpose :( my world is shattered now I feel like I lost my soulmate I truly do:( how can he go from all that to saying he's done ?? Since the break up I messaged him for three days saying I love and miss him and that I was sorry things got out of hand. He has been cold saying he can't deal with volatility etc ..he said its hard on him he loves me but feels the way he feels unfortunately . I saw him few days ago he came by to drop my boots off that were in his car. We talked for and hour I told I'm I'm sorry but I could see it wasn't making a difference. He was still upset .. He told me he will miss me very much , he loves me and kissed me on the lips . I could see tears in his eyes as we ended it And I left . The next day I was in do much pain I text him I missed him so much and I loved him but he'd just send a sad face and broken heart sign.. This went one with me sending more messages like today is over six month aniversary etc eventually he would read the messages and stop responding.. I haven't text him for two days now at all. I know he still loves me, please help do I have a chance at getting him back ? I know he's Mad at me now but I'm hoping once he gets over it he will realize what we had is so special. We are grown adults me 29 him 41 so it's not like this is a kids thing .. Do we have a chance to make this work ? I really need some insite . I'm devastated over this it's hurting me so badly :(

Anonymous said...

HELP! I was with a man for 14 years last year I found out he was cheating on me, I feel it is my fault because I was going through menopause & did want to sleep with him & would tell him to go find someone ( I know this is bad) so I guess he did. We saw each other in the summer & then he went back to her but then in late August he called me & said he wasn't with her anymore & kept in contact with me but didn't ask me out. In November his father got really ill & he quit his job to take care of him he texted me everyday for support & I still have him on my dental insurance because he has done a lot for me & my son over the years. He even told me he wish I was his sweetheart. In February of this year his father died I & my son was there for him. He kept in regular contact with me but lately he acts just a friend & I have asked him out to dinner he says "Ill let you know" or "yeah we can" but never follows through I am crying all the time I have told him I want him back & that I love him but nothing seems to happen tell me please is this a lost cause? Why does he lead me on we are to old for this stuff. If you have any advice I would appreciate it. Thank you so much....

Anonymous said...

I forgot to mention everytime I ask him if he has a girlfriend he says " no, that is crap you always say this" & when I tell him I know he does'nt want me in his life he says "why do you say these things" just what game is he playing?? thank you

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the article. My situation is, I was dating a guy for about four months when he disappeared. I waited for him to come around and sure enough, two weeks later he messaged me. In the "breakup message" he said that he didn't think it was fair for me to be in a relationship with him, who is never around. (he travels internationally for work and we live an hour and a half apart) That was on February 12.
I said that I would gracefully accept his decision although I was disappointed. I did not contact him at all. He contacted me once via Facebook and even clicked like on my picture. On March 31 I wished him a happy Easter and he responded immediately, but no conversation. I have not heard from him since. My question is: do I keep waiting? Do I contact him? I have left him alone and it doesn't seem to be making him want me back. I really miss him and would do anything to get him back. He has no idea how I feel because I have been so cool about this whole situation.
Thank you for any help you might have for me!

Cassie said...

Hello,

I don't know if you're even answering these comments anymore but I read through a ton of these comments and didn't see any situations that answered my question. It's kind of simple.

Can you use the no contact rule on a guy who hasn't done a disappearing act?

I've known this guy for about a month and we had sex pretty quickly. It's probably obvious what's happening now. He's got all the power and I'm always available when he texts/calls.

So when I read this article I thought this could be the perfect way for me to get what I want from him. I like him but I let him have it too early on so I need another way to find out if this will go anywhere.

He actually just texted me after I read this article. I haven't replied but I know it's going to be a very long 30 days.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Cassie,
You can use no contact at any time you see fit, including when a man begins to take you for granted and/or treat you poorly.

The only way a woman can truly know if a man is genuinely interested or not, is to see if he pursues you - repeatedly - and proves himself to be genuinely interested by doing so ;-)

Cassie said...

Thank you so much for answering so quickly!

I'm really glad that I decided to do this. I feel better with every text I don't answer.

Wish me luck!

Anonymous said...

This is kind of a crazy story.. I got into an affair with a married man. He said he was completely satisfied with marriage, but after spending time with me, he started sabatoging his marriage and she left him a couple months later. We've been talking for the past few months, but he felt a large amount of failure from their separation and has been depressed and unable to date the majority of the time. She contacted him recently, and he realized that he missed her and jumped back into talking to her again. They're just dating now, aren't exclusive, but he wants to be with her again, since she's the woman he made vows to. I come in because he's always been very into me, but always emotionally unavailable for whatever reason. We have exchanged I love you's, and for some reason he says it now more than ever, even he's trying to reconcile his marriage. He truly does love me, and has said he would be with me if he wasn't married. I've tried saying goodbye to him and he doesn't want to let me go. I love him, so it's hard for me to just leave. He said there's over a 50% chance that they'll get back together, and now they're to the point where they still aren't exclusive, but are spending most of their free time together. I was his emotional support when she left, he loves me and my personality, and we've been talking almost every day for the last 8 months. From what I hear, she isn't great for him.. They argue and have different lifestyles, but spend way too much time together. But he's convinced that he's supposed to be with her, because its the right thing to do. Will no contact do anything, or should I just cut my losses?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Cassie,
That's the beauty of no contact dear. It's really not about getting the guy back or winning him over as much as it's about self dignity, self respect, self love, self confidence - and realizing your own value ;-)

Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous April 22, 10:52PM,
Honey, what I do here is intended for good and not harm. As a result, I cannot advise you with regards to winning another woman's husband away.

But I will remind you that there is a difference between loving someone and being IN love with someone. He may love you (similar to the way a man loves his sister or mother), but it's clear that he's IN love with his wife.

Leave that be and do not interfere with it. Do not create that kind of karma for yourself or you may find yourself in her shoes someday.

And remember - if he'll cheat WITH you, he'll surely cheat ON you. These things rarely have a happy ending. Most times, the day eventually comes when the man starts to sweep his mistress under the rug like his dirty little secret. As a woman, it's not wise to be willing to sacrifice yourself to play second fiddle with a married man - for that very reason :-(

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror... How do you use NC when you work with the person you are trying to get back? We see each other 5 days a week and I have no choice but to speak to him since our jobs work close together. Please help! Thanks!!

Unknown said...

I've been married for 16 yrs to a man I never truely felt that burning love for, if you know what I mean. We've both cheated, him more and out of guilt of my things, I forgave and stayed. We have 5 kids and I always felt like I couldn't take care of myself and that it wasn't so bad that I should make the kids suffer...anyway, last year after being controlled, sheltered and emotionally abuse, I wantex to leave. I just happened to notice a man flirting with me at a gas station soon after I was at the point of being done anyway. But I wasn't looking for anyone. Most of the time, as unhappy in my marriage as I was, I didn't even notice anyone. But then I started noticing how this guy paid attention to me. He remembered everything I said...flirted and the first time he came out to talk to me pumping gas, he was so nervous! His temple was twitching and his voice shaky...omg, it was so cute. But things were complicated to say the least and after a few meetings he started backing off, not pursuing, but I was already the one leading mostly anyway, cause of it being an affair. Well this continued and I went in there all the time, and he loved it. But didn't pursue. Just gave me the googly eyes and I thought, wow...he really likes me as much as I liked him. Before I realized it, I fell in love and started acting different. My husband found out and confronted him and although things changed, I could tell he really liked me still. My husband tried to get him fired by telling his boss about things we did at his work, and I think I became an ebarrassment. He never told me, but even now a year later, he atill is nice to me. He's a scorpio btw, and I'm a Libra. This is way more complicated than I wrote, but I kinda just wanted to see if you think he backed off cause of my husband or because of me?

Anonymous said...

first let me say both me & my guy r older(40s)I met this guy online we chatted all day & night everyday,it was intense he constantly begd 2 met me in person but I wasn't comfortable my looks so I wouldnt,I put some weight during a previous relationship,he knew why I didn't want to meet him yet,I was honest with him,He constantly said he didn't care bout my looks,he would always tell me how much he loved me(all day long)he’d have me promise that I would never leave him & tell me he never wanted to lose me. It was very hot & heavy for 6 weeks.He finally got me to meet with him.He was nervous I could tell it was cute.He kept telling me that I was beautiful &he couldn't understand why I made him wait so long.He couldn't keep his hands off me he was so passionate about me,it got a little intense(in a good way)but we didn't go all the way.He kept telling me that he loved me.When the nite ended(4 hrs)he told me that he loved me & for me to text him when I got home so he would know I got home safely, I did but got no reply back at all. I didn't hear from him at all the next day & by midnight I ended up texting him "hello r you there" no reply the next morning he texts me "sorry baby my phone was dead & I lost my charger" I text him whats going on? one minute you love me & u never want to lose me then you disappear he replies with question marks then I say jus be honest with me, if you're not interested just let me know I'll be gone. he replies "I love you" we chat lil bit I bring up a moment that was pretty passionate & he replies with "mmm" & a smiley face, he normally be more responsive. he's at work & says he'll text me in a bit. I don't hear from him til like 11pm that night. I don't reply right away & he asks if I miss him I say yes & he replies "you better :)" I don't ask him if he misses me (& normally he would have already professed his love for me & how much he missed me)but he didn't, We're jus chatting kinda of idle chit chat I don't reply right away he asks me if i'm busy, I reply jus chillin. then the rest of the night there's delay in responses from him no affection. I'm too passionate of woman (he knows this bout me) so I text to him "what did you think of our sexual chemistry the other night" he replies about something off topic so I ask him if he saw my question he replies "oh no I didn't see it he then replies i told you there would be fire lol" so while he's typing that reply I kinda off just vented :( I typed "r u uncomfortable with us intimately now? & it's weird cuz we have exchanged such passion & emotions of love through our words (phone & texts) all day long every day for these past weeks & now nothing, I'm too expressive & passionate to have less" he replies "Chill Baby, relax lets grow" I reply "Grow? feels like we're going backwards" I then reply immediately after that "I'll chill" then he tells me he's trying to get a gig in this town that him & i use to talk about going away too it's romantic then I reply "That's a great town to play, the venues are really good" (I'm sure he was expecting me to probably make some romantic comment there but I didn't) we chat briefly bout the venues there by this point its really late & replies come farther apart so I'm figuring he fell asleep, so text him "Ok good chatting with you I'm gonna crash out g'nite" (normally my g'nites r full of affection)he didn't reply but he often falls asleep in our chats late at night then replies in the morning. Honestly, I feel like I'm losing him I feel like maybe he wasn't physically attracted to me & is either waiting for me to get in better shape or there's no chemistry now that he met me & doesn't want to hurt me or isn't sure. any advice?

Anonymous said...

@mirror need your help..I meet this guy a cabin crew we hit it off too soon..I felt that he was not that into me but he intruduced me to his closed friends and claimed I'm his girlfriend..inthe beggining he called me whenever he arrived from work that he missed me so much but time goes but he stop telling me where his next flight destination and more details then, doesn't feel like having long conversation with me.He initiate calls when I don't call or text him and saying he miss me but cannot invite me to see me or come to see me..and I know my mistake of being too available with him. I felt now being taken for granted and only got sweet meaages maybe when his horney. After that he pull away no romance but still texting the same word I miss u and I love u stuff and that's it..when I say I love when where together only replied " yeah me too". Few days he stop telling his sched, if he arrived.when I call to check if his going for flight he is very cold to me. so this time I'm using NC RULE my third day today, first day he keep texting through whatsapp why I didn't response hoping that I'm ok. Then got calls I refused to answer..then text again, then landline call I didn't pick up..second day whatsapp saying we will talk when his back. I really like this guy but I want to complete this 30 day NCRULE but I don't know what I'm going to say IF EVER he want to talk to me.He is good at playing mind games.Its okey I mean I'm ready to accept if ever he will stop pursuing.I just hope I am doing the right thing it really hurts me..

Anonymous said...

I have a question about I guy that I met a few months ago through a social group. About a month after meeting, we began to talk regularly and he introduced me to his co-ed group of friends. I am now part of their social circle. About a month ago he began to flirt a lot and hint at having interest in me. He texts me everyday throughout the day. Last week, I invited him out to the movies. This was our first one on one outing...and to be completely honest, I would consider it a date because he acted so different and gentlemanly. Before I even got home, I had a text from him about how he was bummed that he couldn't stay out later because of work.
Then things changed, I didn't hear from him until the weekend with our group of our mutual friends. I was a little irritated with him and told him he should go home with another mutual "friend" of ours (who was throwing herself at him). He wrinkled his face, and told me that he did not want her, but me. That same night one of his good friends gave me a lecture about how interested in me he is, but doesn't know what to do. Despite all of this, I have not heard from him in days...his texts have also stopped. I also don't want to make excuses for him, even though he does have a busy job. What should I do?

Anonymous said...

@Mirror I just discovered your article and i really enjoyed reading it. I have a man in my life that speaks to me everyday. its like we build a friendship but at the same time there's a bit of romance when were together the only problem is that he tells me "He doesn't know what he wants..ive been contemplating applying this rule on him but since we build in a friendship i dont want to come off as the bad friend. i have told him how i felt about him which maybe i shouldnt have but im a cancer that cant stand bottling up feelings. can you please give me some advice because this is tormenting for me.

Anonymous said...

Hi - I'm really confused about the 30 day rule/no texting/no contact. I’ve always been told from a young age that when a man is interested in you, he will contact you and show interest. Well, I was seeing this guy for two months. It was a pseudo long distance thing as he lives 1.5 hours away. We were introduced by a mutual friend, but didn’t go on our first date for 5 weeks after the introduction. I took things slowly. We were seeing each other on weekends, whenever time permitted. Things seemed to be going well. The last time we were together we were with a big group of friends. The evening was wonderful and when we parted ways nothing seemed off. He started to act more distant over the next week, and when I asked him on Friday point blank if he was avoiding my question about whether he wanted to get together that weekend, he said yes (via a phone conversation). I was more upset that he felt he couldn’t tell me 3 days earlier he wanted to do something without me that weekend and would have been understanding if he had just been honest. He was surprised by that. I wasn’t hurt that he didn’t want to see me though! In the conversation he stated he didn’t want a relationship with anyone, he didn’t like the road he thought we were going down, and that he stopped wanting a relationship 1.5 years ago after two bad experiences (marriage and a GF). He said he was still interested in me, just lost interest in the dating, and that he thinks things moved too fast.
I later found out that our mutual friend had asked during that outing if we were going to have an exclusive relationship which I think prompted his actions. All of this was a very calm conversation, a tad disjointed, and now I have no idea if what he did was a very polite breakup or if he truly just wants space. I made the mistake of texting after this call the next day. He answered a basic question, and then I did the unthinkable woman thing and told him my feelings. Of course he didn’t respond. I feel ridiculous because I essentially baited him with an innocent question, although at the time I didn’t think I was doing that. After all of this, I’m not sure where we are. This guy really is not an experienced dater; he’s not a player, none of the above. I know all of this cause my friends have known him for 8 years. Should I just say enough is enough, move on? I don’t know. I do know we have a ton in common and we both were NOT communicating to each other at all. We had a severe lack of communication breakdown, which he even admitted. I’m hurting cause of the way things fell apart this weekend, which could all be in my head. And of course I just want to reach out to him. But I know the consequences of doing that could be far worse than waiting. This is a guy who has a history of being in relationships except right now.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror I asked you for some advice on April 21 2013 at 1:51-1:53 p.m. is there anyway you can respond to me it is the one about that says Help! I was with a man for 14 years please let me know what you think I am really having a hard time thank you so much

Anonymous said...

I've been friends with Thomas for years, when we started talking for hours on end (via phone, as there's some geographical distance, though not much.) I could sense he was developing feelings. I bit the bullet, and told him that I was (developing feelings.) He reciprocated. But I also said that I wanted to remain friends "for now"... so we carried on. Fast forward a month, I told him that I'd fallen in love with him, and he followed up by asking me out on a proper date. I refused the date. I wasn't playing hard to get (at least not on a conscious level.) I honestly just needed some time to process my feelings. I was also a little embarrassed for having come on so soon and so strongly. I needed a break from him, just to get a break from the intensity of my own emotions (that this guy rouses in me!) Anyway, he said he'd try again in a week. But I'm going to turn him down again (politely)... I am comfortable with this. I figure that if he's truly interested, he'll pursue... but for how long? How long can this keep up before I've sabotaged things? I mean, it's not too late to play hard to get right? Even after I came on so strong? But is THIS the way to do it? I don't want him to think I'm fickle. I honestly need the time... Yet, people often say that if you put romance off too long, the blossom fades and you weren't even there to enjoy it while it was in bloom...?

Bodlon said...

Hello!

Great article and loved reading other people's comments.

Would appreciate your thoughts on my situation. There's a guy and we have two mutual friends. They've both told me separately that he
fancies me (I've met him a few times when I've been at the pub with them etc). I feel like a teen writing this; I'm 28 he's 35, but I don't think it gets any easier regardless of age!

We were at one of the friend's birthday parties on Saturday and we really hit it off - spoke for hours, lots of flirting, he asked if I had a boyfriend, he told our friend he really fancied me again that night, he took my number and at the end of the night said he really wanted to kiss me...I obliged!

It's now Wednesday and I haven't heard anything. Would you say he's had a change of heart or is there still a little hope? It all felt so positive that I was convinced he'd be in touch. Our other mutual friend has encouraged me to text him, but I'm resisting the temptation as I'm convinced that men do contact women when they're genuinely interested.

Would love to know your thoughts. Thank you in advance!!

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad I stumbled across your blog post!

I met a guy through a surgery I was having at the hospital (he was my nurse). We really hit it off in the beginning... texting long messages to get to know each other & talking on the phone. While I was recovering, he came to my hometown for 4 days & we had an amazing time. Upon returning where I live (and he lives) we continued talking daily (text & phone) & hanging out a few times during the week. Things were moving very quickly - he was introducing me to his family & friends, as well as staying at my place frequently. After a few weeks, I asked him where he saw this friendship going- He expressed to me that he really likes me, hasn't met someone like me in a while, and really enjoys spending time with me. He also mentioned he has commitment problems or gets hesitant about relationships because he's been very hurt in the past. I told him I can't predict the future but my intentions aren't to hurt him or myself and I just know that I like him very much and enjoying spending time with him. After a conversation on the phone we both agreed we had the same feelings for each other (that's what I'm confused about) but he asked if we had to make a final decision & can we see what happens between us. I agreed but also said I cannot be his friend because I have feelings for him- he understood and wanted to still be able to contact me and see me. I said he could reach out. He reached out since the conversation for 6 days via text (I responded with sweet, nice short answers) and all of the sudden he has gone silent for 2 days. I haven't tried to contact him, but I'm confused what happened and what to do about the silence. Thank you!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous April 24, 2:53PM,
Honey, I'm sorry that this has happened to you, but we all experience pain and rejection in love. It's a part of life.

This is an article on "no contact" when dating. If you're asking me why your relationship fell apart, regretfully, I don't have the answer to that. And if you want to know what I think, I think it just didn't work for whatever reason. It happens everyday in love and there's nothing that anyone can do to control another human being. At some point, you simply have to accept the cards that life deals you and simply do your best to move on.

Anonymous said...

good article and I have a question. I am seeing a guy we don't have any commitment and he openly and I know he dates. after spending lots of time with him having sex with him I am connected to him so connected to him know I want more, a relation ship and he can't commit to that so I made a choice of you no contact for 30 days but within the 30 days I found someone that wants commitment and want a full relationship. now my old buddy calls recently to hangout. Do I tell him about my new interest or do o go w the flow.***

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror, could you please reply to my question I've been out of the dating scene for so long & just not sure what to do. We have only been involved for 6 weeks. So I think the 30 day rule might be too long. My post was > April 24, 2013 at 5:36 AM Starts of with "first let me say both me & my guy r older(40s)" Thanks so much! I greatly appreciate any advice. Oh & today he text me about 4pm saying "hey booboo" I didn't reply then 30 mins later he text "helloooo" I didn't reply 4 mins later he replied "hey" I didn't reply til 2.5 hours later I said I jus saw mgs I was busy with work. He replied "Gees u got another guy?" I reply "lol ur funny" he text "i'm serious" I reply "stop u'r being funny" he replies "All damm day u couldn't text" I say "u serious?" he replies "Well all day baby???" then before I could reply he texts "all day" I tell him he didn't text me til 4pm & i was busy with work. He replies "really who's the guy" I tell him clients he then replies "who" I then reply "i cant believe he's giving me grief after us spending the evening together u disappear for over 24 hrs & now u'r gonna give me grief for working" he replies "i'm kidding booo lol haha" I reply "lmaooo" & I don't hear from him for the rest of the evening. very confused on what to do plzzzzzzzzz help!

Anonymous said...

I met this guy eight months ago. He was such a good man to me, supported me until weeks ago when I was threatened with retrenchment at work, at the time he was also so busy with a conference at his church. I started breaking down because of work, he was also not so available because of the months conference he was organising. I would phone him and if he loved me, I needed comfort,assurance, i just wanted to be taken care of because I felt I would lose my job and I wanted to know he was there if it all came crashing down. By doing this I pushed him away until he told me he didnt want a serious relationship. I started the no contact rule. He sent me message to say if I didint want to contact him its fine but he knows I keep in touch with my other exes and why is his case different. I fail I started contacting him. We met again and he said the same thing that he doesnt want a relationship. I never called his friend to talk to him about us, his friend came back to me saying he spoke to him and he said he will spend time with me. I have not contacted him after this and its been days now and he also has not said anyhting. Please help what must I do. He sometimes says we will see what will happen but what does that mean when he also says he cant deceive me because he doesnt want a relationship. He is still busy with the conference transporting people in the morning at night. What must I do

Anonymous said...

Hi,
I am new here and have been looking through posts and thought everyone seems really supportive here. I am in need of advice. Feel lost! Will TRY to keep it as brief as possible.
I have lived with a guy for 5 years, been together 6. We have had a happy relationship but as time has worn on and all my friends are settling down, getting married, moving house and having babies i feel our lives have kinda stood still. We have struggled a bit money wise and are not in the same financial position as others around us. There has been talk of how happy we are but he never once said he would like to marry me. Only that he was happy in the here and now and there was a 'fuzzy' figure in the furture i.e. he wasnt against marraige, just that he didnt want it yet.
In january he split with me out of the blue, said i deserved better, that he was setting me free to find someone who could give me what i want, marraige and babies. That he loved me thats why he was doing it. This was 5 days after i lost my job btw. He always said he felt like a 'burden' to me financially as i was the main supporter.
Since the split he has been in touch often. We see each other, spend time together, everything feels 'normal' have cuddles, sex (i know, i know) kisses and affection but then he leaves again at end of the day and every time i feel upset as every time i hope this is the time something changes and he comes home.
His texts said he needs 'time'. That he still loves me and always will (why have you left me then?) but he isnt sure if he is still 'in love' with me. Is there a difference? He says he needs to do stuff for him, he is in the middle of a degree that he is doing in his own time. That his financial situation is brining him down and even if he wanted to buy me a ring he couldnt.
The day he was supposed to move his stuff out i left him a key, spent the whole day crying at my mums and went back only to find he had taken nothing. I text him, he said he felt sad doing it and would need to come another time. He also left me a message on the board in our kitchen that said 'love you laura. You are the best girl in the world. ****' all this on the day he was supposed to move everything out.
Messages have been mixed, he says he is 'setting me free' (even though i dont want to be) but yet doesnt seem to be able or want to let me go. It is usually him that makes the move to see each other and start intimate relations.
BUT...last wednesday i was out to eat with a friend and saw him through the window go to the cinema with another girl. He swears blind she is 'just a buddy' and wants/did nothing with her. I feel this was the final straw for me. We text a bit back and forth about it but ultimately i was too hurt as i feel he has been confusing me for the last 3 months. I have now enforced no contact and said to him only contact me if the 'fuzz' clears and its me you see.
He replied the next day saying sorry about everything but he was in a funny place and didnt know how long he would be there for. Then again later saying could he come by to pick something up from the house. I felt this was just an excuse to come by and see me, probably try it on with me and make everything ok so essentially HE felt better. I ignored it.
I just want some advice, what do i do? What should i think? Am i total tool to think we could still possibly have a happy ending? I have not only lost my boyf but my best friend also. He says - be my friend, but i am still so in love with him and hurt i dont think i can or should.

Anonymous said...

Hi ! I need answer to my question - I have a friend meet him three four times . But last time I met him we kissed each other . On the second said he text and said that it was wrong what happened , it shouldnt happen .

I don't know why he said that - I m wondering if any can answer me


Second he disappears for months n month .

Anonymous said...

Hello Great post, probably the best i have seen. im actually a 31 year old male with alot of prospects business etc. i feel into the trap of sending far to many texts and had far too many telephone conversations of the 1 girl i really want. she was so warm and open about what she wanted with me. she is a girl i have known about 10 years but this is the first time in our lives we have both been single. so for the last 3 months we did make minor plans of taking a holiday together etc etc.

I have made the terrible mistake of treating her like a princess, and just being too nice around her which at first she couldnt believe her luck. over the last 10 days, he attitude has changed, become less into me as such and i have let her know this yesterday.

she jsut said she has alot of stuff to deal with right now. i know she likes me but i think the way she has carried this out has been unfair and certainly out of character for her.

what should i do?

she is not the only girl i can get but the girl that i want.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous 31 Year Old Male,
Read the article again and take the 30 day plunge my friend. Fall off the face of the earth for 30 days. It'll give her the space she feels she needs right now and if she doesn't hear from you at all during those 30 days, she'll miss you. (No text, no response, no nothing, just POOF).

The psychological affect of this tactic works on women just as well as men my friend :-)

And if it doesn't work on her, then it wasn't meant to be.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 25, 7:07 PM,
"That he still loves me and always will (why have you left me then?) but he isnt sure if he is still 'in love' with me. Is there a difference?"

Absolutely. A man can love his sister or his mother, but he is not IN love with his sister or his mother. He loves them, but is not IN love with them. One is romantic love and one is simply love.

"It is usually him that makes the move to see each other and start intimate relations."

Why are you giving him access to your body and your home? When a man says he's not in love with you and he breaks off the relationship, he needs to receive CONSEQUENCES not REWARDS for his behavior. You are rewarding this man with sex and access to your home. Why?

If your dog peed on the floor, would you give it a treat for doing so? No. So when a man leaves you, why are you giving him treats for doing so?

He needs consequences:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

"I just want some advice"

The advice is right here in this article.

"what do i do?"

Read the article and do what it says.

"He says - be my friend, but i am still so in love with him and hurt i dont think i can or should."

No. There is no such thing as friendship after a relationship. You can be civil and friendly to one another, but you cannot be friends that see/talk to each other regularly. That's a man's way of attempting to cajole a woman into being a "F buddy" - a "friend with benefits."

It's either all or NOTHING in relationships. A man is either all in, or he gets nothing in terms of a relationship from the woman. Period. If, as a woman, you do that, that's all you will ever be to him from that day forward - a "friend with benefits."

smiles said...

OMG. This is such a great answer to anon.

Mirror, you sent me a response on April 18th at 7:27 pm to my post on April 18th at 7:20pm and I have a quick question:

I knew my ex would call me eventually and he did 2 days ago to say hi and to call him back. I haven't returned his call and a huge part of me feels good but why is there a part of me that feels like I should call him back with an explanation as to why I won't be having any more contact with him? I was friends with him after our breakup 4 months ago and i'm finally realizing its not what I want. I actually knew it wasn't what I wanted a long time ago but i thought I could get him back by having him in my life. He NEVER suffered the consequences of him breaking up with me and I could kick myself for not walking away 4 months ago.

I just want to disappear without letting him know why and I am feeling bad for some reason. Do I HAVE to explain it to him or can I just walk away? Now, I know I can walk away and not look back.

Thanks..:)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
I love your site! It is so useful.

I had been using NC on a man for about 4 months. It was well deserved as I had learned about gaining control. After all of this time, he had apologized. He said he wanted to make it up to me for disappearing the way he did. (I will admit I should have not been so available) I didn't want to let him in again until his actions mirror his words, so I told him I appreciated the apology but trusting him would be a different story.

Anyway, he kept texting me every few weeks after this. I ignored them since "hey" did not seem worth answering. He texted me on my birthday and I finally replied a few days later, and he said he was glad I had a great birthday. I left it at that and did not continue the conversation.

He texted me two days after I had replied and asked how I had been. I replied a few hours later saying "Good." He didn't say anything after that.

Was I too short with him, not asking how he was? He usually knows from when we were seeing each other if I am short that I am busy or upset about something. There are times when he will continue a conversation regardless, so I am not sure if I threw him off by just saying a one word answer.

Anonymous said...

Well my ex broke up with me about a month ago. I will spare all the details…but lets just say we lived together and we were fighting a lot..had an abortion incident, he started acting shady and the sex went down. He finally broke up with me and told me that I made him realize that he is not meant for relationships, that he needs to be single..blah blah.

This has been going on for 3 years. On and off, always a new excuse and he’s always breaking up with me and me always looking for him..so we get back together.

I was actually out with my gfs last Friday and to my surprise I spot my ex with 4 girls standing in line to get into a bar. I kept my cool and kept walking. Some short, thick, ok looking girl was in front of him and he kinda held her waist. I ignored it and went on to the next bar.

I thought I wouldn’t see him again, BUT, on my way to the car he passes right passed me and that girl is holding on to him, I think they were holding hands, not sure. But she was nothing amazing to look at!! WTF. So I didn’t say anything until 2 days after. I confronted him in text:

me: It was refreshing to see how quickly you move to ANYTHING. like I said not even a month…Its like you already had this girl. What we had was a lie and you threw everything away.

Him:I’m glad that it was refreshing to you…I wasn’t trying to accomplish anything but please no more…if you text me don’t let it be for this.

Him: what we had was not a lie & it isn’t. I didn’t throw it away for anybody, it cant be replaced so stop.

I mean seriously he doesn’t even seem like he’s panicking or cares that I seen him! WTF do those texts even mean??? I hate him.

Prior to these texts he had the nerve to text me that there isn’t a day that he doesn’t think of me or having kept the baby. But he puts no effort in reaching out to me


I WANT TO MAKE HIM FEEL A LIL BIT OF WHAT I HAVE..I WANT TO FINALLY CHANGE THE GAME AND FLIP THE TABLES.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Smiles,
No dear, you are not obligated to do anything for this man. You owe him nothing and you have no commitments in place with him. It's simply your desire to be "nice" to a man that wasn't so nice to you. As much as I hate to say it, look at where being "nice" got you in the first place, ya' know?

Being too nice (and too available) with men (some men not all, but immature men, players, selfish men, etc.) tends to invite poor treatment from them.

You don't have to explain yourself to anyone dear. And to be honest, it'd probably do him some good to be forced to THINK about what went wrong here. If you explain, he'll engage you in battle and he will leave thinking he was right and you were wrong.

If you don't explain, it forces him to think for himself and reach the correct conclusions through a healthy thought process. It may also garner you an apology a few months from now as well ;-)

I'd suggest that you leave things be and let time do what it's supposed to do here.

Aileen said...

Hi Mirror,
I love your site! It is so useful.

I had been using NC on a man for about 4 months. It was well deserved as I had learned about gaining control. After all of this time had passed, he had apologized. He said he wanted to make it up to me for disappearing the way he did. (I will admit I should have not been so available) I didn't want to let him in again until his actions mirror his words, so I told him I appreciated the apology but trusting him would be a different story.

Anyway, he kept texting me every few weeks after this. I ignored them since "hey" did not seem worth answering. He texted me on my birthday and I finally replied a few days later, and he said he was glad I had a great birthday. I left it at that and did not continue the conversation.

He texted me two days after I had replied and asked how I had been. I replied a few hours later saying "Good." He didn't say anything after that.

Was I too short with him, not asking how he was? He usually knows from when we were seeing each other if I am short that I am busy or upset about something. There are times when he will continue a conversation regardless, so I am not sure if I threw him off by just saying a one word answer.

smiles said...

MOA,

You really need to get paid for this. Thank you so much. I was hoping you would say that. Being nice got me exactly were i'm at now.

I needed to read that and have it sink in. And it has finally sunk in.

I'm sending you a HUGE hug right now.

I hope everyone listens to what you have to say and act accordingly..:)

Anonymous said...

Hi I find this article gives me strength to carry out the NO CONTACT rule :) whenever I think of contacting my Ex I just re-read this and imagine the bigger picture and end result.... So thank you for the strength.
It is un-natural for us women because naturally we want to talk to fix things where as men like to disappear into their heads to fix their problems.
My story is that I have been single for 4 years I have 2 children my own company so the only thing missing was 'LoVe'.... I have dated a bit but none of the guys had the magic I was looking for until 3 months ago when through a dating site I met the craziest, sexiest, funniest, most lovable male on the planet (in my eyes!) yep this was the guy who brought me the 'magic'.
We spent a fair amount of time together but didn't live in eachothers pockets, our time together was always filled with fun and laughter and we just clicked.... His family and friends all commented on how well matched we were.
We decided after 3 weeks that we wanted to be exclusive but that's when things started going a bit wrong... Insecurities kicked in on both sides and minor arguments happened... We got it on track and seemed fine, I had to change a couple of plans to see him due to other commitments and he finished with me saying he didn't know where he was with me and didn't know what he wanted.
he did this via phone because we live 1hr 30mins from one another, he followed it with some very confusing txts.... I'm the most amazing woman he has ever met blah blah blah.... We then engaged in a phone call where he shared he was heart broken and how his son and I are his favourite people and how he misses me... I also shared that I am sad about the whole thing... We joked a bit and tge convo was lovely and happy.... I invited him over so we could exchange belongings but he later declined saying he would just want to kiss me and was tired but would like to sometime soon That was my last contact with him 48 hours ago, my thoughts are that if this is real then it will still be here after my 30 days in which time I'm going to concentrate on doing all the things I enjoy and maybe even take up a couple of new hobbies ;)

I just want to ask tho what to do if he turns up at my door? This is something I kind of half expect!? He has also told me that he loves talking to me and to call him ANYTIME (which I won't) but he also said the more he talks to me or hears from me the harder it is for him to forget me!
Will he forget me in 30 days?

L x

Anonymous said...

First, I just found this site and love it! I have been out of the dating game for about 5 years. I met a guy that I really like and he seemed to like me. My problem is, we've never been on a date! He works 6 or 7 nights a week. We are both bartenders/managers. He would call me on my work or cell phone to tell me to stop in and see him if I get out early (which I usually did) He would text me and tell me that I'm beautiful. This week, something has changed. After not seeing me or hearing from me for a couple of days, he called and mentioned he hasn't seen me for a couple of days and told me to stop in. It was all fine. I stopped in the next night and everything felt different. He was still warm, but it just felt different. It was a full moon! He had the next day off and never called or texted. He was working last night and I sent him a cute text (inside joke) that required no response and I didn't hear from him.

He always says he wants to take me to dinner, but never follows through. He's only had one day off since we met though, so I kinda understand. We haven't been intimate, he's always respectful. He walks me out, opens my car door, gives me a hug and kisses my cheek. I feel like I've been too available and have basically been chasing him at his request. HELP!! I really like him and I rarely find anyone that I like all that much!!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 26, 3:35 PM,
What you need to realize dear, is that no contact is a tactic for ferreting out a man's interest level.

If he doesn't pursue repeatedly and make repeated genuine attempts at reconciliation - then he's not genuinely interested.

In which case, you should do yourself a favor and accept that and move on and begin dating other men.

Or your other option is to make yourself available to him, settle for his half hearted interest and attempts - and sell yourself short. In which case you will always feel disappointed and confused and you'll never really know if he genuinely likes you or not.

I say take a cue from his actions and move on as best you can. It's time to begin dating other men as he's proved he's only a half interested man.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@LX,
"Will he forget me in 30 days?"

Well, this is what no contact will tell you. It's a tactic that's meant to ferret out a man's interest level.

A genuinely interested man will still be there and he will make repeated attempts at reconciliation. And a woman should be NON-RESPONSIVE to those contacts until she receives one that says something to the effect of, "I messed up, I'm sorry, can we talk."

Anything short of that gets no response. Because any contact prior to that realization in the man will only ruin the psychological effect of no contact.

So remember, a genuinely interested man pursues and makes amends. A half interested man makes a few lame attempts and then moves on. In which case, you've just dodged a bullet, received your answer and can feel free to move on and begin dating other men.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous April 27, 9:25AM,
"I feel like I've been too available and have basically been chasing him at his request. HELP!!"

That's exactly what you've been doing and that's why your gut is attempting to speak to you about it. You should listen to it. Women's intuition is rarely, if ever, wrong dear.

This guy just wants an ego stroke. He likes being able to "summon" a woman to COME TO HIM. When it should be HIM, going to see a woman. And the fact that he's made no moves towards arranging a date validates this for me - it's all about his ego. He gets a kick out of being able to phone a woman up, summon her to him and then standing back and watching her do exactly as he's instructed her to do.

I wouldn't waste another ounce of my time on a man like that dear. It'll always only be about him. It'll never be about you.

smiles said...

"If people can walk away from you, let them walk." To everyone here, someone sent this to me and it's awesome..lol. I watch it and remind myself everyday:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=feoxb6SXHCs

Anonymous said...

Hi, I have been reading some of the comments involving availability. Me & my boyfriend has been having an off & on relationship. Can that also be a form of availability? When we are broken up & I call him to come back, he is not availble on that day but he eventually calls me back to go out. Also when we're broken up if he calls me, I may not be available the same day, but eventually I go out with him. Are we being available to each other? Is that bad to do? Even though we don't go back right away we still go back to each other. Can that be a form of being available?

Anonymous said...

Ive dated my boyfriend for almost 3 years. And lived with him for the last two.. at the first 9 months of living together he asked me to move out because it was too soon. I got very upset and told him i didnt think it would work if we did that. I left for about a month and we stayed in contact and he ended up coming around and telling me how much he loved me and that we can keep living together.. I then moved across the country with him, we've lived here for almost a year together. things with his business went to crap and he got very distant with me because he needed to work. I tried my best to understand and got busy working 70 hours a week but I still felt like he wasnt giving me any time. I called him and brought it up to him that it didnt seem like he wanted to live together anymore. He told me he didnt think we should live togther but that he still loves me and is attracted to me and enjoys my time and that we could keep dating each other and see where it goes. He said we both needed space and our own hobbies and friends so we could meet in the middle. I reluctantly agreed because I know i shouldnt force it anymore. That night he texted me that he loved me and I replied but then never responded to his last text. after that we didnt talk for 7 days and when i finally tried to contact him no response. Since then I sent him 3 texts, as far as im concerned all of them were mature, I agreed that we need our space to figure our lives out but that if we cant communicate maybe we should go our separate ways. my last text basically said that after all this time he could at least have the decency to tell me if he didnt want to work it out.---no response. i guess I have to assume he doesnt want it. we are still in a relationship on facebook so today I deactivated it. now I guess I'll try no contact? I guess I'm afraid that there is no way to mend this, because I put too much pressure on him when he was going though a rough time. Its already hard living 6000 miles away from my friends and family. I feel like he could have cut me a little more slack.. i felt like I was doing my best.

SassyBrunette said...

Hi Mirror, I think I already know what you’re going to say about this, but I want to double-check.

Long story short: Met a guy in early December while out with my friend at a bar. He approached me, asked for my number, and texted me the next day saying he wanted to keep in touch. He lives about 1.5 hours from me. He did keep in touch, and we were in touch regularly for 2 months. He initiated, told me he liked me, how beautiful I am and that he couldn’t wait to see me again. We planned a weekend visit, but “things” kept popping up each weekend: we both got the flu, then I had a work commitment, then he had a commitment, then there was a blizzard...and on and on all these things kept delaying his visit. FINALLY we set a weekend, which was Super Bowl weekend. And then he completely disappeared. I haven’t heard a peep from him since. And I, of course, haven’t contacted him.

Am I breaking No Contact if I send him a text and asked him why he disappeared? It’s been 3 months, and I’m just curious about what happened. I know he probably had a good reason to disappear (i.e. met someone else, got frustrated with all the hassle, etc.) but at the same time...all that build up and anticipation and then nothing? I was really looking forward to it and was really disappointed when he disappeared. “The Rules” (reluctantly) say if you’re pretty sure you’re not going to hear from him again, that it’s better to contact a “dead” prospect like this one than a “live” prospect.

What do you think? Should I do it? Or should I wait and see if he ever contacts me again (unlikely, since my disappearing men don’t seem to reappear)?

Anonymous said...

Hi, where to start! First of all, I've found your website extremely helpful, I found it in the midst of my dating dilemma.

I will give you a quick overview and there maybe many gaps to fill in if you need to ask anything.

I met this guy on-line dating, about two months ago. First of all it was him who tried to initiate a date. We quickly moved off-line and subscriptions finished and had some phone calls.

I dropped a right clanger and started getting anxious about this date that had been scheduled in. I started contacting maybe a bit too much (but it wasn't too bad) and basically I frightened him off and he ignored some texts

I managed to turn it around by backing off and reapproached him in a light-hearted manner about rearranging something.

He said he wanted to and the interaction has continued with him for nearly two months now. The problem is that he is not trying to arrange to meet me and I cannot say anything about it as I don't want to frighten him off again.

I read the website at this point and saw how my behaviour initailly could have been a bit of the male role.

Another problem is before using the website I was iniating all of the contact,once we got into it, it was great and we would text back and forth for a couple of days.

Recently I changed my behaviour and didn't contact him for just over a week because I needed to see that he was interested enough to contact me off his own back and he did which was great.

I just thought I'd mention the texts have sometimes got very sexy/flirty now.

However, I relapsed recently I was aware of something that had happened that will have devastated him and so I felt compelled to check in with him, it was late and he has perhaps not had chance to get back to me yet but not sure if I will be kept waiting as he normally gets back to me on the same night. So not sure at this point whether it will be an ignore or not.

However, I do feel vulnerable again and if he doesn't get back to me soon then I will be in this waiting position again.

What normally happens is we will have a burst of interaction and then I will wait all week and then conact him.

The first time when I stuck it out and waited for over a week for him to contact me was recently and it worked and he initiated for the first time.

However, I feel I have blown it again with my recent contact, even though I know he will be in a bad way and that's why I contacted him, otherwise I would have waited again.

My gut instinct is that he is interested in me and there are occasions when I feel I'm making a breakthrough. However, the bottom line is there is a lot of waiting for this date and inbetween contacts and until I meet him it's all a bit virtual.

I don't know what to do I'm torn between hanging in there and it would be great if a date comes off but I fear also that he's not making moves to sort this date out and that is concerning me. I thought by backing off and letting him make the contact might make him realise and create that longing but I guess that I've not practised that enough yet.

I've had past relationships when I've been in this waiting game and it can be painful and drawn out.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I should mention that we live about 2hours train journey away from each other but he agreed/seemed happy he to make the journey to see me, initially.

Many thanks

Sugar plum x


Anonymous said...

Dear Anonymous @ April 28, 2013 at 2:07 PM
My story is exactly like yours. I divorced my ex-husband after trying to live in his country for 8 years, and him treating me with less and less consideration. Also I was away from my friends and family, did not have a decent job and hardly spoke the language in the beginning. He did not appreciate my move - rather, it was a burden to him. The lesson that I have learnd is: never ever ever give up your leverage with a (any) man, no matter how much in love you are. With 'leverage' I mean: your own hobbies, work, friends, sports, family - leverage = all the things that load your battery on a daily basis and make you a happy person. When you read all the blog posts here you'll knwo: being 'nice' is not appreciated by men, nor is sacrificing anything appreciated by them. So all the complaining of us women about how 'he' did not appreciate our sacrifices is simply because men DON'T. They want and require you to stand inside yourself, be self-sufficient, and they want to bask in your glow. What I did (and posisbly you too) was giving/giving/giving which is a masculine activity. We girls should stand in ourselves, load our own batteries, turn our glow on and draw the guys in. Yes, all those fairytales were wrong. But if we don't learn this lesson we'll always be faced with a withdrawing man - they need your internal light to shine, it's your job and your ONLY job to turn it on. No sacrificing, no 'nice', no gifts, meals, compliments, efforts. Nothing to prove. And any man that cramps your style must be tossed out ASAP. Oh well. Some people have to learn the hard way, but I'm getting there, and I swear my life has become a whole lot better. I wish the same for you. Stop acting towards your guy. Move back, find your groove, load your battery and turn on your inner light. Nothing else is required from you, now or ever. You will draw him back faster than you can whistle dixie. I promise.

Anonymous said...

Thank you MOA! You are spot on and confirmed what I already knew in my heart or my gut.
He called the same night that I read your advice and I didn't answer! Heck, it's 2 days later and I haven't called him back yet and I really don't know if I will. I have 2 other quality men doing all the right things, so why bother with the one who isn't working at it?!? And that's my fault because I was doing all the chasing, while all he has to do is call me and I'm delivering!
He told a guy friend of mine that he's been working really hard to get me, but I seem a little wishy washy! What in the world?!?
You rock MOA!!!! I will be recommending your site to all of the ladies that I know!

From~"I feel like I've been too available and have basically been chasing him at his request. HELP!!"

Anonymous said...

Dear mirror, my name is Janie, from China. It is so nice to read your articles, thanks so much!

I wonder why if a man interested in me why did't he call nor reply my text?

Here is our story:
We are the committees of an art organisation, we are volunteers. Since there was an exhitbition a month ago so we had regular meetings for it. Before it we had no contact and i had no impression on him.

One night before the meeting he called and he asked if i would go for the meeting . I said i wont as i am not feeling well with allergy on my face. And then he told me he is a dermatologist and he would like to take me to his clinic for a check up. I agreed and after the meeting, he drove to my place and took me for the check up. He didn't charge me at all and in return i bought some nice but not expensive gifts for him.

After that night, he followed up my skin condition by further check ups and calls, and he kept taking the medicine to my place. Also after every meeting a week, he drove me home even we never talk something too personal.

After the exhitbition, there was a break in our organisation so probably we would have no more contact, however he would give me call around once a week, but mainly for work, plus he initiated for a dinner with me and another committee (male) in about 2 weeks.

Days after i texted him by telling him that i would like to take some soup for him , he seemed happily accepted my offer and we finally had our so called first date, during the course he looked and told me i am so beautiful, i smiled and we said bye bye.

I was so sweet and thought we might be about to be together, however since then, he kept calling (also for work) me 2 times...and till now, it is already nearly 2 weeks i haven't heard from him, so 4 days ago i texted him asking him something about our art work, however he didn't reply me. About the dinner proposal , also no follow up.

I wonder why he suddenly disappeared if he is really interested in me? Even i had something to ask him via text.

At the very beginning, i was so happy because i treasure him and appreciate him to come to me in a slow pace, he is a nice gentleman, i wonder if he was just being too nice? Or he has changed?...etc

Please give me some advice on why he would ignore me like this and if you were me what would you do?

Million thanks!!!!!

Anonymous said...

My partner of 1 year 7 months and I recently split. (9 weeks ago)We were living together for the last 10 months. He had been in a relationship for 11 years, married the last two with a woman from the time he was 17 with 2 children. She cheated a couple of times, first time she moved in with his best friend and 3 months later when it fell apart he went back and got her back and they moved states to start again. Last time and 6 months before he met me she was cheating and within a month after he moved out, the new man moved into their home. They now have a child together and are engaged.

From the beginning I had stated that he wasn't over her however we move on with our relationship and there are a couple of times when something significant in her life impacts him and he goes cold and distant ie: her getting pregnant. I struggle with it but give him the space he needs realising it's not an easy thing to deal with as the wounds are still fresh and she was the love of his life.

We have a great relationship, easy going and fun. Get on well most of the time and enjoy being with each other and very rarely argue. Quite the opposite to their relationship which was explosive!

Anyway, long story short another problem arises with the kids and ex and we have to get legal help to sort it through. I help him to sort through this and after he's talking with the children on the phone she gets on it and blasts him. He does the cold distant thing again. But this timeI'm not dealing with it and tell him that I am there backing him up with everything he does 100% even if I don't agree with it and feel he needs to be there for me too not shut me out. I tell him I deserve to have someone there for me.

I pick the conversation up a couple of days later after giving him time to think about what I have said...he tells me, You're right you deserve someone there for you 100%. I can't, I don't know why I can't I just can't be and he leaves the next day. No contact for 2 weeks and then when he comes to grab some things I ask if this is it for us? No hesitation, he says yes and I say so there is nothing we can do? Again, no. He says that he doesn't even know who he is.

So we have now only texted about him picking up his things when he found a place and the things that were left behind. He's not reaching out, he did say sorry and that he thought I was a great woman and he would always think of me as a great person. And I just texted back, I know who I am, it's you that is sad and confused and unable to talk or try and fix things. Running away works temporarily but at some point there won't be anywhere left to run. Do yourself a favour and get counselling.

Obviously I'm not going to try and contact him now but I'm still hurting and confused but I guess this is permanent.

Gee

Unknown said...

I've been trying the no contact rule and so far it seems to work. My only down fall was that I allowed the no contact rule to happen, and a week later, my ex would always text me to see if i'm doing ok. at one point, i responded back, and had a short text conversation with him. then i didn't hear from him again til another couple days after. he ended up showing up at my work with a meal for me and i fell to quickly for his sweetness that i ended up hanging out with him that night and it was a total mistake. i told him i could no longer see him in areas where we could get intimate for fear it would hurt me, and he agreed and felt bad. so now i'm sticking once again to the no contact rule, but long behold, a week later, he's texting me to see how i'm doing. now i don't know whether to text back with simple short answer, or just not answer at all til a month from now. by texting back to him in small short answer's, it doesn't hurt my feelings at all if it's civil talk. however i want him back so bad and i know this no contact rule works on him...should i text back short answer's or just not initiate talk at all? my birthday is in a month, and i plan to invite him along with ton's of other friends to a bday party so i can use that excuse to test the waters then...what would you suggest?

Anonymous said...

@Mirror. I've read this article and thank you so much! I still feel as though I need to write my circumstance and hear what you have to say about it. My guy spotted me at a music show and then found me on Facebook. He pursued me while living 1.5 hours away- he came up to see me 4 times and called me everyday for 2 months ( a really intense 2 months) he said he wasnt thinking about getting into a relationship until he met me and so on. I really never called him- i was purposefully letting him initiate contact those 2 months ( and he called me everyday to "check in")Then he stops, after 2 months- this was the second time we had slept together. the first time we had slept together, well initially, i refused to sleep with him, and then later on, i just couldnt hold back. You know, i just feel like I'm stating the obvious, i slept with him, and i feel as though that's it, done, even after the no contact. During the 2 months of him pursuing me, he said he hasnt ever felt this way with a woman, and he is scared, and he started throwing out words like he is "smitten" and he even wrote me a song- that talks about wanting to be near me. During this relationship i tried to make it obvious to myself to let him pursue me and then he stopped all of a sudden. He said he was scared and not ready for a relationship (even though i was never putting any pressure on the relationship, he was by saying such strong things). He said he wanted to be good genuine friends.So anyway, i said i will need space and time to think about if i want to be his friend. Oh, i forgot to mention he ended things the day before valentines day- so on valentines, after i said i need space, he posts the song he wrote for me on his fb. so i try to avoid fb and ignore him and then he keeps trying to get my attention and he asks me for my advice on something. then i answer his question-give him the advice (camera advice) and then he is all short with me. So then i find this website and I blocked his ass on all social networking sites. And looking back, i should have blocked him from all contact the night he started withdrawing and telling me he wasn't interested in a relationship. The day i block him on fb- he texts me about the additional info he found on the camera- and i didnt respond back. That was the last I've heard of him in 30 days. I really felt like this guy was for me- I really haven't felt so good around a man in awhile. Do you think he is going to come around-what do you think? Do you think remaining his friend and being too openminded to going from being heavily pursued to friend for a month after the fallout, completely sealed the deal for no future commitment?? I've gone back in forth in my mind, ive tried to hate him, ive tried to be happy for him, and so on, and i just cant let go. what do you think Mirror?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@SassyBrunette,
"Am I breaking No Contact if I send him a text and asked him why he disappeared?"

Yes dear, if you contact him, you're breaking no contact, LOL.

"I’m just curious about what happened."

It's a waste of time to dredge up things from the past like that. First of all, it'll set you right back to square one with the pain again and secondly, most likely, he won't speak the truth about it anyway. So basically, it's like handing him another opportunity to lie to you and hurt you.

"The Rules” (reluctantly) say if you’re pretty sure you’re not going to hear from him again, that it’s better to contact a “dead” prospect like this one than a “live” prospect."

Why should YOU, a woman, be contacting any MAN in the first place? And why do you want to resurrect some man who was ignorant and disrespectful to you? For more ignorance and disrespect?

I wouldn't ever do that and I wouldn't ever wait on a man either.

What I think you should do is move on one day at a time and begin dating other men and leave the past in the past, where it belongs. This type of action your considering will surely only invite more pain and confusion into your life.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Sugar Plum X,
"if he doesn't get back to me soon then I will be in this waiting position again."

Why would you wait on a man that isn't showing genuine interest in you? Never put your life on hold like that for a man that's treating you like that. There are plenty of other men out there to date and I suggest you place yourself back in the dating pool and begin doing so.

If he resurfaces, then so be it. But if he doesn't, that way you're not sitting and willingly wasting any of your time.

"I will wait all week and then conact him."

Never initiate contact or take the lead role and chase a man dear - ever. Read this, written by a man:

http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/dont-initiate-contact.html

"I don't know what to do"

I think his actions (and lack thereof) are telling you exactly what you need to do. He's showing he's only half interested. When that happens, the woman must move on for her own good. Otherwise, if you stick around and wait on a man - that's what you'll be doing all the time with him from that day forward. You will never fully capture his attention and you will never be happy in the relationship.

Carry on and begin dating other men dear. This one has proved he's not genuinely interested. A genuinely interested man pursues the object of his affection, a half interested man, players and immature men that are lazy and seeking a freebie situation hang back and let the woman pursue him.

Everything he's proved to you here is NOT good and you have all the tools you need to make a wise decision about it.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Janie,
"I wonder why if a man interested in me why did't he call nor reply my text?"

A man that is genuinely interested in a woman will pursue HER. He will not wait for her to contact him.

"why he would ignore me like this and if you were me what would you do?"

His actions are signaling that he's not a genuinely interested man dear :-( A genuinely interested man will pursue a woman. If it were me, I'd keep living my life and I'd continue to date other men.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Leila,
"i don't know whether to text back with simple short answer"

No contact means exactly that - no contact, no response.

You can't do something halfway dear and expect the full results. And if you're in no contact, you should never respond to the man unless/until he displays regret for his actions and signals a desire to talk and apologizes.

"it doesn't hurt my feelings at all if it's civil talk"

Maybe not, but that's not what's considered no contact. Additionally, if all he has to do to win you over is make a phone call or send a text, he will continue to treat you in that manner - BECAUSE YOU PERMIT HIM TO DO SO.

"i know this no contact rule works on him"

How do you know this when you haven't done it yet? Everytime he makes a call or text, you're right there again. That's not no contact dear.

"should i text back short answer's or just not initiate talk at all?"

Sweetie, the article is about no contact - and you're asking me if you should contact him.

"i plan to invite him along with ton's of other friends to a bday party so i can use that excuse to test the waters then...what would you suggest?"

I'd suggest that once you make a decision, you stick to it and follow through with it. I also suggest that women do not chase and pursue men and invite them on dates. If you don't want to be confused, then don't chase a man that isn't showing any genuine interest in you. A genuinely interested man will pursue a woman, repeatedly, and he will express his feelings for her, his desire to be with her, his desire to see her and he will make time for her and ask her on dates.

If he's not doing any of that, then why would YOU ask HIM on a date to join you for your birthday?

Not a good idea at all dear. You need to make a decision and stick with it.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Apr 30, 1:58 AM,
I think a genuinely interested man pursues the object of his affection.

And I also don't think there's really any such thing as friendship after a relationship. Civility yes, friendship and regular contact, no. All that does is cajole the woman into being willing to "settle" for less than she deserves.

When it's over, it's over. Seeing each other on the street and saying hello is one thing, but letting the man have regular access to you at will after the fact - no way.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

I appreciate what you're saying. I do think that he will be in contact, I know a lot of his behaviour has been lacking but only until recently I have been doing all the iniating. However, when I hung back recently for the first time he took up the gauntlet so I think I need to test him out before I write him off completely as I've been taking the lead and not given him the chance to be the pursuer!

So what advice would you give me when he does contact?

As for dating other men,I'm happy to do that and hope to get out soon but tend to attract players and commitment phobes.

Sugar plum x

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

Sugar plum here again, I forgot to ask that if and when he initiates contact with me sometimes in develops into sex-text. How do I get myself out of the sex-text scenario now that I have set a precendent by allowing that to develop. What do I say without me sounding like I want a relationship with him (even though I might) or sounding that I've gone off him or not interested in him anymore?

Also if I'm enjoying the sex-text is that ok, if he starts regularly initiating contact with me? Ultimately, I would like to meet him so what is the best way to go about this given my situation?

Many thanks
Sugar plum

Anonymous said...

Hello, I think I messed up NC. I texted him two weeks into NC saying that he was wack. I was frustrated & just sent that text. Of course he doesn't respond. Can I start NC again & will it be effective the second time around?

Anonymous said...

CAN YOU GIVE STATS AS TO HOW OFTEN THE NON CONTACT RULE WORKS?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous,
No, I cannot provide stats on this because it's not a guarantee and it depends on the interest level of the man. Each man is different and each individual situation is different.

However, on the "disappearing man" post, a lot of girls participated in the comments by providing their own stats on how often men return after a disappearance when no contact is used after the breakup.

And what we found was that approximately 90% of men returned. Time frames varied from one month, to eight months and up to a year or more. It all depends on the individual and the level of interest and nothing in life is a guarantee.

Coconut said...

If a man initiates 90% of the contact, can he still be a half interested man? I have a situation whereas the guy I am seeing makes mostly all of the contact with me, but sometimes he flakes on dates, but he always is the one to call & text me.

Could he still be half interested because he flakes on dates even though he's the one who is the initiator? Thanks.

Anonymous said...

he used to really like me before but now i think he doesn't feel the same way he does. he is also saying that i call too much. this happened few months ago. i didnt contact for a month.all this time he didnt even call me!! i really missed him so i texted him. he replied and gradually things turned back to normal. he had stopped calling me so i called him almost every day. again after few months he is starting to ignore me.i know the no contact rule wont work here. i was thinking of calling him once a week. i know this sounds so desperate but i really do love him and i want to make it work. please tell me what to do

Anonymous said...

@Mirrior Ive been talking to this capricorn guy for over 2 years now and he said he loves me so much even wanted me to BE his WIFE ! Well bout March 24th two days before my bday he finds out ive done something tht he said hurt him really bad and NO i didnt cheat on him but only mad a comment to a pic online saying tht its Gorgeous and yeah was a guys pic..Uhg NO it didnt mean i wanted tht guy ! But to him he was asking why to me i done tht and WAS something missing in our relationship and i guess he took it really hard and WRONG in my opion and then HE told me hes done and i lost him and YES i cried and it hurts me and its been since March 24TH ... I have texted him a few times saying i only love him and how happy he makes me and nothings missing and Hes the ONLY one i really find so Gorgeous BUT hes ingnoring me and saying Yeah i miss u BUT i dont want to talk to u and HES said to me also he dont want a relationship with me CUZ he cant trust me! WOW it hurts me alot u know and DO i need to DO the NO contact RULE here on him??? I messed up this morning after not hearing from him in like 6 days i texted him saying i miss him..Uhg And hateing myself for texting him now..:( I really Love this guy alot and saw a great Future together and YES we met online and was planning to meet and he loved my mom alot too and always respected my mom too so wht to do?? :( Thanx!

Anonymous said...

Hi again, Gee the 1 year 7 month relationship and no contact of 9 weeks. So today he texted to drop off a blanket that I told him I wanted returned. He said I could pick it up from him 2 weeks ago and I said, You can drop it off, thanks. Didn't hear anything until today and he texted dropping off the blanket tonight. I didn't reply and then I just hoped he would do it while I was at training. No, I was home again when he dropped it off. I answered the door and he apologised again and said he didn't realise he had it. I just said thanks and he left quite quickly...almost ran away! This No contact does help...if they don't come back at least it does make things easier by not letting it all drag on, it still hurts but nowhere near as much as it did 4 weeks ago!

Glad I found this site
Gee

hecanjogon said...

love your articles... so today is the start of 30 days of no contact which i then want to extend to no contact at all.... for me its breaking a habit i dont want to message him but i get bored/need attention and send a message. so today is a new day and he wont be hearing from me again i find it fine until he messages me then i get stumped and end up replying but i can do this and will proud of myself :) just wanted to share this ha

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
I met this guy a long time ago and we had a very fast romance (no sex). Then he left because he lives far away. We remained in contact via texting for months afterwards and he wanted to meet me again. I felt very insecure so I declined despite all the intensity. From my part it was getting out of control in the emotional sense. He was much more aloof, merely wanting to meet me for sex. So there was years-long silence, interrupted by his message wanting to meet me again. Again I have the feeling he just want to finish what he did not have the opportunity before to do: sleep with me. I responded with a mixture of wariness and emotionality. No response from him for three weeks now. I think I will not reply to him, should he contact me again, because there is such a discrepancy between how each of us views the whole thing. What are the chances of him reappearing again?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Coconut,
Yes, it's possible. Because a genuinely interested man would not risk losing a woman he is truly interested in by standing her up or blowing her off :-(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 1, 1:21 AM,
I've told you what to do in this article dear. If you choose not to take the advice and use it, then that's your choice. At some point, when a man proves that he's NOT genuinely interested, you need to stop wasting time on him, wishing and thinking that will change - because it won't.

If a guy ignores you like that, you don't beat your head against the wall attempting to change him - you realize that he's not interested and you move on dear.

Anonymous said...

Hi, thanks for the article. I talked to this guy for about three days. Everything was great, but then he started ignoring me. I remember I told him I didn't like him the night before he started ignoring me. Do you think he started ignoring me cos of that? I know he used the no contact rule on me, but the thing is, we don't talk, and sometimes I delete him off my skype, but whenever I send him another request, he accepts it, even though we still don't talk. Do you think he's trying to tell me something?

Anonymous said...

Hi mirror i need your help.my boyfriend(taurus) of 2 months broke up because he says he cares about me as a friend?-(Capricorn)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

I am really struggling with NC, its been 2 weeks with no texting either way. I started a work relationship with a guy and became too needy/attached too quickly. He said he really liked me but needed some time to become less busy and make some time for me. I pushed and pushed and he finally said that if I cannot give him the time he needs then we will just have to settle being friends. A couple weeks later he said that he wants to try things again but not until I am settled and ready. It's hard because we work together and I have to see him 5 days a week. I really want him but I'm not sure how to proceed. I've committed to the 30 days NC and will follow through, I may even go 60 days but I'm not sure yet. I'm torn because I agree with you about letting the man come to the woman... but I'm afraid that we are drifting apart. Also, when I am ready and settled, what do I do? Do I let him know that I'm ready or leave it up to him to figure it out? How is he suppsed to know if I don't tell him? Some words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks,
Happy Smiles

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Happy Smiles,
You don't do anything. You cannot control other people or make a man want to be with you. He either does or he doesn't. If he doesn't pursue you and come to you, then you accept that and move on.

A genuinely interested man will pursue the object of his affection.

Anonymous said...

@Mirror,

I understand what you are saying, however, moving on is easier said then done. This is not your typical guy. I honestly don't think he will pursue me. Wish I could just get past this and stop feeling so bad about the situation.

Thanks,
Happy Smiles

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Happy Smiles,
Moving on from a man that you were not entered into a committed relationship with should not be this difficult. And if it is, that's indicative of a problem. In which case, I'd suggest that maybe you cease dating and focusing on men and instead focus and work on yourself and the unhealthy attachment issues you have. Otherwise, regardless of the man you date, whomever he may be, you're always going to have these types of relationship issues and dating will always be painful, and not enjoyable, for you and will always cause anxiety disorders for you.

I'd suggest that you practice the development of coping skills and self discipline so that moving forward, when you do begin to date again, you are ble to maintain a healthy distance and perspective and the skills necessary to cope with the ups and downs and disappointments that are a natural part of the dating process. I'd also suggest meditation so that you learn how to consciously control the thoughts that cause heightened anxiety and unhealthy, obsessive compulsive behaviors.

If you don't work on those things, if you don't work on yourself, you're always going to experience these issues that cause self destructive behaviors in your relationships dear. Regardless of whomever the man you're dating is.

Anonymous said...

hello...ok i know most of the advice is meant for women. but i am a man who was in a committed relationship with a younger women for 3 years. I was the one who called if off since I felt neglected and alone. I threw her out of house my 1 am in morning because how i felt and i know that is a really dumb thing to do. its been almost a month and she pretty much ignores my txt and messages on fb she is understandly upset. when it came time to her birthday i sent her flowers, a gift and birthday card contrary to your advice. we talked today on the phone since it is her birthday and it is clear to me she doesn't want to call me anymore and I always seem to be trying to hard with her. I do want us to get back together so I use the 30 day nc or just move on since it may not work. it just seems after being together for 3 years that would mean something to her and it doesn't. she just turned off our relationship like a light switch. some womanly advice is need

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the very helpful article! Ill try to keep my question concise:

A girl liked me. She'd been out of an about 4+ yr relation 6 months before I think. We'd known each other for a short time but it went smooth from the start fun and laughter and interest and all and slept with each other (she made it happen moreso than me), after thy we went on one date which went great. I left for A 1 month travel, checked in every 2 weeks. When I got back she was genuinely busy, think I came off a little serious in my interest and that she might want something less heavy. She has a busy work life and is 23 (young and wants to enjoy life and keep it light). Anyways I tried setting a date a few times and never happened. She's reply text answering me and all and being nice, saying she's very very sorry an always insisting that we should go out soon etc. an she promised to call me 2 tes but didnt. She never initiates the texts.

Anonymous said...

I posted the last post, think I hit the limit.. Was looking for some insight on what wa going on ( mixed signals ) and some good advice on how to get things back after the small miatakes i may have made and not make the same mistake of smothering . Thank youuuuu!!!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Male May 2, 9:02 PM,
Given that your recent gestures had no affect, I think this is going to need more time. Now mind you, there are NO guarantees that this will work. It's only a tactic, it's not a miracle, LOL.

However, I think this is a situation that may need more than 30 days. She's still angry and she needs to get to the point where she's moved past that and begins to miss you. Additionally, she's reassured of your interest due to the recent birthday gifts, of which she appears to be taking for granted.

It will be hard, but at this time, I'm going to suggest that you move on as best you can. Begin dating other women and begin living your life as you once did. Do not text, do not call - disappear. And if she reaches out to you, do NOT respond. You need to get so far away from her that she begins to reverse her thinking and moves from taking you for granted - into panic over the fact that you may be gone for good. So your goal is to make her think you're gone for good.

I realize it sounds counterproductive, but it's a psychological tactic. Once someone realizes they cannot have something, many times it's human behavior to want it more. To reach the point where you must have it. And that's the effect that you're hoping for here ;-)

It's similar psychology to the Law of Scarcity:

http://ezinearticles.com/?Understanding-the-Law-of-Scarcity&id=184783

And the Law of Scarcity means that when something is in scarce supply, there's a psychological effect that takes place. People suddenly place a high value on something scarce and then they desire it more.

Anonymous said...

what happens after the 30 days and she contacts me? should I still ignore her completely or just give it some time then briefly reply. thank you so much for the advice :-) I still have hope since lost causes are sometimes the only ones worth fighting for. I can't give her up without a fight or knowing I did everything I could before I walk away for good.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

I am going through hell of pain.I will highly appreciate your quick advise.I was in a casual relationship wid a Men from 4 years.In Fact,It was serious relation at times too.he use to express marrying me indirectly at times.However,He use to always delay all action.One day,I found out he was hiding one relation from me..He did not tell me till end.Overall,he cheated me.I got to know only very late widout my fault.He got engaged and never even informed me.I was shocked as he intended to still be wid me..As soon as I found out,I immediatedly blocked him from my life.Cut Him from all newtrorking sites,etc.I went NO Contact and NEVER contacted me.I felt sick and went through hell..Finally,He comes back to wish me on MY Birthday.He contacted me twice wishing me bday BUT I DID NOT respond.Next,He smartly sent me a FORWARD twice exactly after 1 Month again BUT I did NOT respond as I am still HURT.I do Love him but I want to use my head this time..AFTER 1 Month,He has contacted me Yet again by small email asking How are you?..I still did NOT reply as He was a friend and I was very loyal to him so I deserve s sorry at least..Plus,I feel,He may be missing me NOW and perhaps even realise his mistake..Can you please advise me IF I should reply to him OR shd I wait Longer??

Anonymous said...

I'm a little lost at the moment and needed some help. I was with my ex boyfriend for 3 years, until he broke up with me. I was going through a rough time at home and was stressed out. I was also in the middle of moving out. I guess he felt overwhelmed by this and he felt he had to also help me financially. He is a trucker by the way, so for the past months he was gone a lot. Anyway, one night we talk on the phone and I'm telling him about how I'm stressed out about moving and asked if he could let me borrow his credit card. He got upset and basically started indicating he did not really want to help me. We got into a fight in which he ended up by saying that we should not be together. However, I later find out that he had been talking to an ex girlfriend during the time he broke up with me. So he used the fight as an excuse thinking he had a chance with his ex. For three weeks they kept talking constantly and for three weeks I did the whole begging, pleading, and trying to get him back with me. Of course none of that worked. It has been a month and a half now since we broke up. I noticed that little by little he started to talk to me again. It also was the case that he and his ex didnt talk as much anymore. We did hang out a couple of times. However, I always wanted more than just friendship. He was firm on the fact that now he wants to get a local job in trucking, go to school, and get a place of his own. He said he did not want a relationship since he needed to make something of himself. I offered him to move in with me, that i'd help him with his bills so that he could stop trucking on the road and be able to go to school full time here. I also told him if he did not want a relationship we could try taking it slow, maybe just date, etc. He rejected all my offers.

So after 6 weeks of trying, I finally gave up. He seems to not want anything to do with me when I clearly still love him. So this past Monday, I told him I could not be his friend when I still had feelings for him. He had it in his head that we could be friends. So I started the no contact, and it has been three days since we spoke. It has been hard so far. I would be lying if I said I didnt wish he would somehow come back. I'm also doing this to heal inside. I will do my best not to contact him for a month or more. Do you think he will eventually realize what he left? Any hope for me? :( I still love him.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Male, May 3, 2:17PM,
"lost causes are sometimes the only ones worth fighting for. I can't give her up without a fight or knowing I did everything I could"

That's actually very nice to hear coming from a man my friend. Again, I cannot guarantee you anything, but I do admire your determination to win her back.

If she contacts you after the 30 days, depending on what she's saying, hold out a bit - until you hear something like, "I need to talk to you." Because something like that from an individual signals that they've THOUGHT long and hard and they are now READY to communicate in order to resolve those feelings.

Any communication prior to both parties expressing a desire and WILLINGNESS to truly work on the issue - is a waste of time.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 3, 2:33 PM,
Sweetie, if you want to "use your head" this time - then you WON'T let this man back into your life. A leopard doesn't change it's spots dear and if you think he will change, you're caving in to fantasy thinking.

He's already proved he's:

1) A comfortable liar
2) Not to be trusted
3) Unreliable
4) Inconsistent
5) Sneaky
6) A cheat

None of which make for "prince charming" my dear. He's a snake in the grass. And there's an old story about the snake in the grass - and this story was actually told to me by AN EX that CHEATED on me.

One day, a little boy found a snake in the grass. The snake was injured. The little boy took the snake home and nurtured it back to health.

Once the snake was healthy again, it bit the boy one day. The boy ran to his mother and said, "Mommy, the snake bit me!"

The mother turned and looked calmly into her child's eyes and said, "What did you expect dear? It was always a snake."

He's a snake my dear. And if you let him back into your life - HE WILL BITE YOU SOMEDAY.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror of Aphrodite,
Your advice is awesome, I just have to say first. But my question is- should I block his calls and texts during the no contact period? I want to do this so I'm not tempted to keep checking to see if he called or texted, thereby being constantly disappointed if/when he doesn't. But is that a bad idea since I won't be able to see what his messages say? I mean, if he apologizes, sees the error of his ways, etc?...

Anonymous said...

@ Mirror. I would like to say first and foremost how appreciative I am that you have taken the time to share ou knowledge with the rest of us and as much as much older I may be compared to the others posting, at 28, I am yet to embark on a real genuine and loving long term relationship. Mostly due to picking the wrong men am disregarding men who pursued me but didn't have the qualities I look for in a man. I ended up in a long distant relationship with a man whom when I went to visit him would let me stay on his family home, go shopping with his mum and bond with his sister, talk of marriage and I find out him had a girl in another country whom he wa doing and saying the exact same thing too. When it all came out, I wa totally disgarded like I didn't even exist, his lies to the other girl was that I didn't even meet his mum. What was left of my self esteem totally diminished. And I embarked on the task of rebuilding it back up. 7 months later and only just getting over the ordeal, I signed up to a site which my brother enticed me to join. I met someone on there, we live in separate cities 3 hours apart, but I am moving to his city in jan to enhance my career. So we got talking and literally after two sentences, he said he's still living with his mum and isn't looking to he into a relationship until he sorts out a career etc. I immediately said that's the same stage as I'm at but I stressed I don't do casual so we can just have the platonic thing going. The thing is, since then, we have spoke on the phone for an hour talking about everything. He later texted me saying I would make an incredible wife as I have loads of those type of qualities. Anyway, he's just recently travelled to Jamaica and I messaged him to say that he needs to keep weekend free at end of month he took ages to reply and I knew why. I'd just given my power away. I'm not going to text him at all now. But what would be the best strategy from here on. I'm thinking about him alot and it's making me a little afraid to get hurt again. Should I walk away because of his 'not ready for a relationship' comment as I do want to explore the possibility of something more

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous, May 4, 1:08 PM,
I don't think that's a good idea for two reasons:

1) You won't be able to see if he displays regret or a desire to talk and work things out.

2) This is a test for you as much as him. If you make it through this test, there's a lesson in it for you - self control and self discipline - the increase of personal strength and control.

If you block him, you won't be sharpening and honing those skills. As a result, if it happens again in the future or with another man at some point in time, you'll be right back to square one, confused and feeling powerless and unable to control the situation.

So my suggestion would be to tough it out dear. If you do that, you will be giving yourself a valuable gift - personal strength and control ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 5, 8:40 AM,
Sweetie, there are women posting here of all ages, from early teens and 20's to women in their 50's. You're not alone ;-)

"when I went to visit him"

That's a mistake dear. YOU should not be going to a MAN. HE should be coming to YOU.

"I messaged him to say that he needs to keep weekend free at end of month"

Do not attempt to play the man's part in dating dear. Do not attempt to lead or be the man (masculine, leader), your job is to be the woman (submissive, pursued).

"I'd just given my power away"

Yes, dear. Not only that, but you've also set yourself up in a place of confusion. Because when a woman pursues a man, she has no clue if the man genuinely cares for her or is genuinely interested in her. You place yourself in a position where you could be used, lied to and then discarded - as you've already seen :-(

"what would be the best strategy from here on"

There is nothing a woman can do to make a man want to be with her. All you can do is keep living your life and casually (no sex) dating other men and see if he "mans up" and pursues you. If he doesn't, you don't beat your head against the wall attempting to convince him to date you. Instead, you gracefully accept that it didn't work out and you move on.

"Should I walk away because of his 'not ready for a relationship' comment as I do want to explore the possibility of something more"

Yes, you should walk away. He's told you he doesn't want a relationship - and you know that you DO want one. Don't think you can convince him to change his mind on that, you won't be able to, no matter how wonderful you are. The man has to WANT the SAME THINGS you want. If he doesn't, then you skip over him.

Otherwise, you could spend months or years attempting to change his mind - only to realize you've wasted all of that time and he's never going to change.

Anonymous said...

I met my ex last september. He pushed like crazy, introduced me to his friends and family--his mum didn't like me. He pushed me to have sex before i was ready, i think it was about two months. In some ways he was the boyfriend i had been waiting for. But he was so pushy trying to move in with me after two months, talking about kids all the time so eventually i turned the tables and said how about we get married then? He then accused me of being unreasonable. I was also on medication which made sex painful and complicated but he wasn't understanding at all and was justconstantly pushing me. I love him but felt so harried and he would get really aggressive so we had reallly bitter arguments over nothing. I asked him if he wanted to split up because his behaviour was so hot and cold ladt month and he said yes he did. I was so upset i just walked off. Since then he isnt bothered at all and said our roles have reversed and now i am the one chasing him. He says he still cares for me and misses me but doesnt want me back. I know now he was only pushing me before because he cared. I want him back but don't know what to do.

Anonymous said...

hello i need your help please! i was seeing this guy for nine months. we would go on dates and talk all the time, then he started cancelling and not getting in contact as much but we would still see eachother, it ended because he said he did not want to hurt me and he never had time for a girlfriend. for the last six months i have still been seeing him on and off but it has turned into him just calling sleeping with me a few times then saying he does not want to hurt me and he will leave me alone but he always gets back in contact and the same thing happens. I tell him how much it hurts me but he still does it I dont understand what he wants and why he hurts me even though he is aware he is doing it. if he does not want anything from me why wont he leave me alone and let me get over him, i feel so stupid because i always go running back to him then he just drops me again but i cant help it because i love him so much. i really dont know how to gain control of the situation. If all he wanted form the start was to have sex with me it would have been different, but ive never known where i stand, he sends so many mixed signals and confuses me. i want to know what i have done to make him want to treat me like this.all i want is it to be like what it was at the beginning.please help me

Anonymous said...

Hello MOA, your blog is awesome. So helpful and encouraging.

I need your encouragement too. What I´ve done! Such a mistake! I´ve been in and out of a relationship with one man. I am in love, he apparenly isn´t, definitely not so passionately, but he has given me new chances repatedly. I´ve ended it and then contacted him again, I know, a huge mistake. It was because I wasn´t sure about his feelings at that time. Later I realized he was just killing time with me, at least that´s what I thought,that´s why I ended it again. I was determined never to contact him anymore.He wrote me a friendly e-mail, I don´t think he knew for sure that I have such strong feelings for him. Maybe it could have developed somehow. But I made another huge mistake, I wrote an e-mail back to him being emotional, so now he must he must know with certainty that he means a lot to me although I didn´t write it directly,it was more or less an angry e-mail, so he must have understood. What shall I do now? I´d rather not exist! Being hopelessly in love plus now this stupid email. I guess no contact is the best solution. Or would you suggest any other thing to do? I feel so desperate and angry with myself, because I´ve read your blog,followed your advice, kept poise and now this. Please write some words of support, I need some terribly. Thank you a million times.

Anonymous said...

Mirror
Wow I have spent quite some time on your forum as it has definitely helped me to become strong. I recently dated someone and am now left dumbfounded.
I met a guy online in early March and dated for a month. The majority of that month things were going well. We would see each other once a week, mostly during the weekends (since my work schedule is hectic). He initiated most of the dates. I only initiated one, in which case he was the one finalizing the details (time, location, etc), which I thought was great! Things were slowly progressing. Our first date was a coffee date, and we would mostly meet at the designated locations (just as a precaution since we were just getting to know each other). Later it progressed to him picking me up, or I would drive to his house, and he would drive, and he was the one to initiate a nice dinner we had in the third week or so. We had amazing chemistry; however, we never slept together (he never initiated and I wouldn’t have anyways). I thought he was definitely taking this seriously.
Now this is where things started to change. In our last week of dating, he called to ask me out for later that week. I said yes. This is where I may have been an eager beaver: I contacted him two days prior to figure out the location since he left it up to me. I texted him at 10pm and he didn’t reply until first thing the next morning. I didn’t reply until later that afternoon—I was really upset, but I didn’t express this. Then, he never said what time I should be expecting him for our date, which was a bit uncharacteristic of him. All the weeks before, he was pretty good at finalizing details with me well in advance or at least well in advance the day of. I was pretty bothered. I took it upon myself to ask him for his expected arrival day the day of since I had to plan out my day. He didn’t reply until hours later. I was extremely upset at this point, but I never expressed this to him.
We had a great time on our last date. We kissed, we danced, drank, and ate. I told him to text me once he got home to make sure he arrived safely, and he did. I never texted him back because I wanted to see if he would step up, since I was still so frustrated at his delayed responses the week prior and (what I perceived as) slight indifference towards the date. More than anything, because I felt like I was doing all the initiating of the texts for most of that week. We have never contacted each other ever since. I never replied to his last text, and he hasn’t reached out at all—it’s been almost one month now.

Anonymous said...

A few disclaimers:
- I ran into a male friend as my date and I were exiting the bar on our final date. My friend and I hugged to say hello and exchanged FEW words. It probably took about 20 seconds. I didn’t think anything of it and didn’t think to introduce my date to him since my date was already outside and my hello to my friend was incredibly brief. Later, my date asked if I frequented that bar often and if I knew a lot of people at that bar. I said I go once a month and know a few people. Later that night, I was reminding him of something he told me, and he, jokingly, said that I was confusing him with the other guys I’m dating. (I never talked about my dating life with him….was he jealous?)

- My red flags for him include his delayed responses. Other than the example above with the text, I was the first one to call (we were just communicating via text before that) during the time we were seeing each other. I called him at 9pm, and he replied with a text the next morning saying that he saw my missed call and asked how I was doing. This was about two weeks before our last date. I replied hours later and was very nonchalant. However, I was really bothered.

Did I start coming across like the pursuer towards the end? I’m not sure and really confused. It went from having a great (last) date, to him completely disappearing out of now where. I’ve been trying to stay strong and not contact him, but then I’m not sure if something I did in our last date to upset him or if he was already on his way out. Granted, he did call me in the last week to ask me out, so I took that as he was still pretty interested. Any insight would help tremendously.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 5, 3:07 PM,
"it has turned into him just calling sleeping with me a few times"

Why are you having sex with a man that has already told you he doesn't have time for a girlfriend?

"I tell him how much it hurts me but he still does it"

That's because you let him do it. Why are you waiting for HIM to stop it - why dont' YOU stop it and protect YOURSELF?

"I dont understand what he wants"

He wants free sex.

"why wont he leave me alone"

Because he gets to have sex with you.

"i really dont know how to gain control of the situation"

You stand up for yourself and you say no.

"i want to know what i have done to make him want to treat me like this"

You make yourself available to him, you give him sex and you permit him to come and go as he pleases. He treats you like this dear - because YOU LET HIM.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 5, 7:22 PM,
"he, jokingly, said that I was confusing him with the other guys I’m dating."

That wasn't a joke, he meant it because he's insecure.

"Did I start coming across like the pursuer towards the end?"

I believe it's possible that you may have dear.

"I’m not sure and really confused."

Well you did meet him online on a dating site. And when you date online, you have to understand that everyone there is also casually dating others as well, and you should be too. You don't place all of your eggs in one basket when dating online until a man has asked you for a commitment.

Anonymous said...

hi their I think your advice on the no contact rule is great its really helped me to understand how it all works with men but it just still dose not help the unanswered questions that your left with that go around in your head as to why did they go in the first place! and why would they want us to go through this agonising no contact rule like they've just fallen off the face of the earth, my ex I was with for 10 months we were introduced to each other at a party between mutual friends we hit it off straight away im 31 and hes 32 and we live about 40 miles away from each other we get on like a house on fire and we were both so over whelmed as to how much we really liked each other and that it felt like it was ment to be us meeting like we did,we tried to see each other as much as poss and he especially was very full on with me, he whipped me off my feet, I have a little girl and he never thought that he would have children of his own hence why his last relationship of 12 years broke down she wanted he didn't! but he said since meeting me he could really see having all that with me, and all of a sudden he causes a silly little argument and disappears! I didn't contact him for 3 weeks and then I got a random text saying hi how you doing, I played back and played a little hard to get but I missed him so much and I just couldn't wait to have him back in my arms, 5 weeks later the pattern has repeated again and here I am 2 weeks later back in the same situation, but this time ive text him and aked him to re think about us and I didn't get a reply, I then text him again and talked to him just like a friend and he responded it was short and sweet but he didn't ignore me this time im coming up to the third week again im not going to contact him now ive promised my self, but I just feel like ive ruined it this time by contacting him!! why has he done this to me again I thought we were so close, is it staring at me in the face and I just cant see it? when we broke up it was in text he said he will always love me and hopes I find happiness wih some one else! that's really hurt!! :( dose he really mean that??? x

Unknown said...

Okay about the no contact.. I have a situation with a man who CHASED me for 6 months and I wasn't playing "hard to get" I'm just naturally a guarded person, so finally I let the relationship progress & it was really intense, I met his family, we exchanged I love yous, talked about getting married & named our children lol.. And this was all in the span of a months time, (We moved really fast into it) and I don't think we established a firm foundation. So anyways he went from calling ALL of the time, texting, skyping to disappearing and I messed up and gave chase after chasing and asking questions for about 4 or 5 days I gave up and just stopped any contact then of course he emails me like nothing happened so I answer back and he's like I feel like I haven't seen you in forever so I played cool and said "It's only been a week that's not forever, we'll see each other when we have time." And then I went back to ignore I didn't call him nothing and then he calls me and we talk and he says the same thing I miss you so much and we haven't seen each other in so long we hang up and I go right back to ignore I don't call him or nothing and then he calls again and we make plans for Thursday, Thursday comes and he stands me up!!! So I go back to not calling or nothing and he calls on Saturday (ass) and apologizes makes up some excuse, we talk for a second and then hang up and once again I haven't called him or made any attempts to contact him.. It's been a little over a week since we last spoke What do I do from here??

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Megan,
You take the information you've learned via this man's actions and you use it to make an informed decision about him.

He's proved that he's unreliable, half interested, inconsistent, irresponsible and rude.

I think that's enough to make a decision about what to do next ;-)

Anonymous said...

Okay so thought I was working on a relationship to het with my sons dad .. went away as a family amd he told me he had no plans to move to wear we live and didnt want me. But sleep in the same bed as me nothing happened.. teased me and acted like a little boy in the play ground. . Did everything nit pull my hair.. so I read uour article when I hot home.. he called I didn't answer. He waited a day and text. I did reply. He waited a day and texted again asking if we weren't talking. . Again didnt answer.. he waited a day amd called.. ???? Do I really wait 30 days? ??

SassyBrunette said...

@Megan,

I love how you've handled this guy so far. I think you've done a great job! He's probably confused because you seem to be keeping your cool and you haven't been chasing him...and he keeps coming back, ha ha!

But unfortunately I have to agree with Mirror on this one. He's proved that he's unreliable, etc.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
I am, Anonymous May 3, 2:33 PM. Firstly thanks so much for your time and reply. Well, I am a capricorn and he is sagii. The point is, he has been the first love of my life. we have spent more than 5 years together. I have loved him unconditionally. I agree that, he is a cheater. However, I also believe that, sometimes, certain karma can change a person.

My question for your advise is, what should I need to do now as I am unable to forget him. I have read lot of your replies for other. You mentioned that ALL Come back and he has been trying to reach me. Can you advise when should I need to reply to him as he was a friend too and will he contact me again especially that I Ignored him 3rd time since I did not found his contact quiet strong. Problem is, I never got the chance for closure and somehow, I feel, he is missing me a lot now. Please advise as How to deal with it as I should get to teach him my worth since I left small piece of my heart with him which pains a LOTTTT. ?

Emily said...

Hello there :)
so i have a problem with a guy i really like. A month ago he started texting me and we texted from early in the morning untill late in the night and we got along great. We started to go out get drinks and to the movies , also when i let him wait an hour or something before responding he texted things like why i am not responding. But then things changed after he noticed that i really liked him because i was responding immedietly and asking him if he wanted to go out. he didnt ask me to do something like going for a drink or something..he started to ask me late in the evening if he can come over. (We didnt sleep together, we just kissed once.. and he also didnt try to pull anything. so in that way he was really respectful) I was confused so i asked him what this is? a relationship or friendship? and where he thinks this is going..
He said that he didnt know since he just got out of a relationship he is scared and does not want to run into something new. but also that he really likes me.
i thought that was bs and that if someone really likes someone he knows that he wants to be with that person..so i told him that we shouldnt see each other or text that much. first he got mad but two hours later he said he doesnt want to stop talking to me and he really likes me. since then i havent seen or texted him. it's been a week now and i really miss him... do you think my situation fits your advice and he will start missing me too and will come back or is it different since i didnt disappear without warning?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 7, 2:37AM,
He hasn't experienced any of his karma yet. He hasn't been cheated on. When someone he loves cheats on him - then he's experienced his karma.

And even after that, he still will not change.

It's takes a certain personality type to do something like that - a narcissistic personality type. And people with narcissistic personality disorder do not change without professional help and even then, rarely ever change. Additionally, you can't be friends with an ex lover, that never works in the long run because all it ever turns into is a "friends with benefits" situation.

He's still the same man he's always been. And if you want to teach him your worth, you'll walk away and find something better for yourself dear.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Emily,
Only time will tell. A genuinely interested man will pursue the object of his desire. A half interested man and/or a player will make a few lame attempts and then move on.

Besides, bear in mind, this man's already told you he doesn't want a relationship. When a man states that and a woman thinks she can change his mind, it very rarely happens. So if he's gone, don't sweat this one dear ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

Its Anonymous May 7 2.37 AM..
So,what do I need to do?I have already blocked him from all my contacts..I NVR contacted him..In Fact,He has contacted me 3 times..It seems like he is missing me a Lot since he messaged me asking me to Reply..

I am alone,miserable as I am unable to forget him..I Love him Mirror..What should I do.He will contact me again and NO,we NEVER had sex as I believe in sex after message...He liked me even without sex..Please advise..I havr read lots of your articles where you have mentioned that they always come back.Please understand,I LOVE him and he liked me too?

Unknown said...

Thanks Sassy Brunette! I have A LOT of pride.. I refuse to let this man win or think he got over like that so if he wants to go he can hit the door (even though I am dying on the inside) but I won't show it. I have another question though, does creating jealousy work? He's on my Fb page and when he started acting up I posted a picture of me and my really good male friend who happens to be incredibly handsome, he knows this guy is a friend I spoke with him about him before because I had another picture with him on my page and he asked who he was and said "He's gay" which let me know that he was jealous lol and then he asked if I would take the picture down and I said no.. Anyways to make a long story short as soon as I had posted the new picture he called lol. I know he still cares because he used to log into his Fb everyday and he hasn't been on there this whole week from 2 days after we last talked. I figure he wants me to chase him or he's trying to get over it.. Either way he still cares.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 7, 11:48 AM,
"So,what do I need to do?"

You need to walk away and never accept any contact from this man ever again.

Anonymous said...

Mirror,
My message is so long that I had to break it up into 4.

1 of 4

My story is kind of long so I will try to make it as short as possible. I met this guy 6 years ago, and in the beginning neither he or I wanted anything serious because we had both recently got out of a long relationship that ended with our ex partners cheating on us. The first couple years we had a great connection, and I could tell that he liked me because he would call and want to see me. Also within those years we lost contact a couple times, but always ended up running into each other again. The last time we ran into each other was about 4 years ago. At that time he said he still didn't want anything serious, and even though I was growing tired of being single I agreed to go with it. During this time we had our ups and downs, but during our arguments he started ignoring me. It didn't bother me at first, and we would end up seeing each other at the same spot that we had ran into each other last so we would start talking again and seeing each other again. After about another year I realized that I fell in love with him and I told him, I also told him that I wanted to start seeing him more. His response was still the same, that he didn't want anything serious, but we did still start doing more together, and I could feel that he was growing stronger feelings for me. Over the next few years he had so many excuses as to why he didn't want to commit. After I told him how I felt, and after spending more time together, we got into an argument, and I left his house upset, just walked away without saying goodbye

Anonymous said...

2 of 4

. He ignored me for 4 months, and during this time I would text him all my feelings, and tell him that I loved him and missed him, and poured my heart out to him explaining how he was the perfect man for me, and how I could see us building a future together. He still ignored me, so eventually my texting and calling so much decreased, but never completely stopped. He started responding to me when he realized that I was moving on because I told him that I was engaged, but couldn't stop thinking about him, and I didn't want to get married feeling that way. He didn't want to see me because I was "engaged" but would at least respond to me sometimes at this point. I told him that I had broke off the engagement, and he eventually wanted to see me again after 6 months of not seeing each other. It was still the same, no commitment with more excuses, and when we would argue because he would disappear on me, he would disappear even more and started ignoring me again. After years of dealing with him ignoring me I grew angry, and instead of saying nice things, I would say mean things out of anger. He would go months without talking or seeing me, a couple months not calling or ignoring, and a month on, then again ignoring me again for months, and then not. I finally stopped caring and started seeing other people. I would still texted every once in a while to say hi or start small talk, and he would sometimes respond or not. I use to get upset about this, but I was so tired of it and expressing my love for him that I didn't care to feel his rejection anymore. After a year of going though the on again off again, I started acting like only a friend to him. I wasn't asking to see him anymore, and he wasn't either. A few months ago I was close to his house and decided to text him, and the texting lead to me going to his house to see him. He left with me to my house and after a few days of him not leaving I asked him what we're doing, and told him that I wasn't seeing anyone else at the time. He said he wasn't either and we decided to make official, only seeing each other. He moved in and I couldn't have been happier. He still never would say he loved me back, and he still was emotionally disconnected because he wouldn't cuddle or express his feelings for me. I found out during the time of us living together that he was seeing a girl for a couple months before that, and by the text message I read of his, he really liked her. He would call her "my love" and "baby", and would even tell her he missed her. These are things he never did with me, even when I would tell him that I missed him. I never had an issue of trusting him in the past because he was an honest asshole. lol.

Anonymous said...

3 of 4

For some reason during the first week of him living there I decided to be nosey, and it was the worst mistake I could've made. I found those text messages in his phone between him and girl #1 that I had just talked about, but the concerning part to me was the last text he sent her, which was sent about an hour before I went to his house, and it said that he wasn't going to give up on them. I was honest and told him that I looked in his phone and it hurt me to see that he was like that with her and not me, and asked him why he committed to me if he had just told her that he wasn't giving up on them a few days prior. He told me some of her flaws, and told me that he chose me. When I asked him why he said, "put our history and chemistry aside, it's because I like the woman you are, you're good with your kids, you run your home smooth, you cook, and I like the way you treat me." I was satisfied with his answer, and completely forgot about girl #2 that he text after our commitment conversation. I guess this girl had moved away and he told her that she was the one who "got away." Within the next couple months of us living together I noticed that his phone was always on vibrate, it would buzz late at night, and early in the morning. At one point I asked him who was calling, and why didn't he pick up and tell them that he has a woman now and stop calling. He said he would just ignore them. That made me think of all the times he ignored me, and how I was still available when he was done. I asked him if him not telling them he had a girlfriend was a way for him to have a back up plan, and his response was a look that came over his face like he was surprised, but said no he doesn't do that. I brought up what he had done to me, and how I was still available, and he blew it off. Over the next couple weeks it was like his phone disappeared. He would keep it in his pocket all the time, charge it under the bed, and take it in the bathroom with him while he would use the bathroom or shower. It became a problem, especially after a night of hearing it buzz like he got a text at 11:30 at night, and immediately went into the bathroom. A couple days before my birthday I was going out to dinner with my best friend and he was going to stay home and make cookies with the kids. He had already looked up recipes earlier. He was being kind of pushy telling me I better get into the shower so I wasn't late. I went upstairs to get into the shower and I realized I had already taken a shower that morning, so I started running the water and cleaning up the bathroom. I needed something from downstairs, and left the water running while I went to go get it. As I turned around the stairs he was sitting with his back turned to me and I could see his cell phone screen. It had the green and while bubbles of text messages with the keyboard up. When he turned around and realized it was me that came down the stairs and not the kids, he immediately faced the phone down and asked me why I wasn't in the shower. He was acting nervous, something I had never seen before, and started asking me more questions. I answered them and then asked him what he was doing. He lied and said he was looking up recipes, something he did earlier. He was in a great mood for some reason when I left, and the next day we went out to play pool. I knew that I was already upset with him because of him lying, and because he never tells me I look good when I ask if I look ok. Funny thing is, he's not affectionate at home, but in public and around my friends he was.... Anyway I drank more than I should've that night because I had free shots coming from every direction for my birthday. When we left the bar I couldn't hold it in anymore, I told him that I didn't like being played or lied to and that it would create a wall for me to put up and it wouldn't be fair to him. He asked me what I was talking about and I told him that I know he lied and I saw him texting someone.

Anonymous said...

4 of ***(actually 5)

I told him to show me his phone, and that I was tired of hearing him say it's his privacy. I told him there's no secrets, lying, or privacy in a relationship, but he still refused. I blew up and said a few choice words to him. I went upstairs and threw the pillows on the couch for him to sleep there for the night. He brought them back upstairs and threw them on the bed and told me to keep them. Later I heard the front door close, and when I went downstairs to check he was gone. I was still drunk and started packing his stuff, that's when I realized he had already grabbed what was important to him, his watches, toothbrush, work out stuff, and shaving kit. I was so hurt, so angry, and started drunk texting him talking stuff to him. The next day I told him I would bring back his stuff and move on, but if he wanted me to wait so he could think that I would. I put the ball in his court, and I don't know why because he was doing something sneaky so why would I??? He said he would think about it and let me know the next day, which was my actual birthday. I left it alone, and he text in the afternoon saying happy birthday. I asked him if he had thought about everything and he said he had been busy. I couldn't believe it, so I said ok? so I'm not going to see you on my birthday? It's not fair that you're putting our relationship on hold. Then he said he would talk to me when he was ready and if I couldn't deal with that then he doesn't know what to tell me. I snapped!! I told him that I didn't know why I had put the ball in his court to begin with and that I'd been thinking too, and I could see that he wasn't into this like I was so it was over. He said that I was being an idiot and that he was going to surprise me, because he's been busy all day trying to find me a gift, but F-it he was done and didn't want to ever see me or talk to me again. Then the ignoring started again.

Anonymous said...

*** actually 5 of 5 ***

It was the worst birthday of my life. I was so hurt! I dropped his stuff off that night by popping my trunk and him grabbing it, without a word. That night I text him saying a lot of things like he would regret it, and how messed up he is. He then changed his story saying that the text message I saw was to his mother, and she said his grandfather was in the hospital, but he didn't want to be selfish and ruin cookie night. But he never said anything about his grandfather the next day, or cared when we decided to go play pool. I think he was just trying to turn the tables and make me feel bad, and also by telling me he was getting me a gift on my birthday. About a week later we hadn't talked and I lost it. I text him all day on purpose, every 30 minutes saying insulting, mean, and childish things. I chose to do this because I felt like if I told him how I was really feeling, missing him and wanting him back, he would just reject and ignore me more. The next day he did the same to me, something he's never done, insulting me, saying really mean things, and being childish. When he realized that he hurt my feelings he said I was being a bully and now I got a taste of my own medicine, and how funny it is that when a bully gets a taste of their own medicine they act like a victim. I text him the following day apologizing to him about everything, and telling him I didn't mean it, but that I would respect his wishes and stop bothering him. It's been 3 days since the last apologetic text from me, and he never responded. The day he did say all those mean things to me he said that I was crazy and I would never find another relationship that last unless I hide the crazy longer, he said he was never happy with me, and that I smothered him, and have self esteem issues, and that I needed serious help. I don't know if he meant what he said, but he was in my house so how did I smother him, and is he saying I have self esteem issues because of me expressing the way I caught him in a lie?? I'm confused, but because he is ignoring me, I guess I will never really understand. I still love him regardless, and still want him in my life, but now he hates me. He's so good at ignoring me that I don't think the 30 day no contact will even matter to him anyway. What should I do? I know me texting him like a crazy person was a bad idea but I was hurt that he ended the only decent shot he gave me on my birthday. Please help.

Anonymous said...

Will this work if we was togethrer 3 years then broke up for 10 months? He also has had a girlfriend for the past 3 months. And a month ago he started back contact with me telling me he still loved me and wanted me back but didnt know how to break up with his girlfriend. So now he still hasnt left her and i pretty much told him me? Or her? And hes kinda been pulling away is this good time to start no contact? Or is it past tgt? # a good time

Gemini 50 said...

@ Anonymous May 7, 11:48 AM

You deserve to be treated better than how you explain this man has treated you.

He (was seeing someone and) became engaged without telling you and expects you to still be there for him when he wants you?

What would you tell your grown daughter if the man she was in love with did this to her?

Please love yourself more than this man. As much as it HURTS, please love yourself more than ANYONE ELSE has.

Ms Mirror is 100% correct. You need to walk away and never accept contact from him again. Just as I need to protect myself from selfish men. And as so many of the women on this site need to remove themselves from men who take advantage of them for their own gain.

As much as it hurts, and believe me, everyone on this site knows how much it hurts, as much as it hurts to let dreams and hopes go, we must do it to live.

Think about that last statement ladies: We must do it to live! Not survive, not get-by, not waiting for when HE does something to change, but for YOUR soul and heart to LIVE!

No one is getting out of this world alive... we are all going to pass. Where we go, I don't know, I have my favorite theory (reincarnation) but I would never profess to say I know. But, the point is, life is meant to be lived. To be the best we can be. To create the best life for us and others around us. To leave our space better than when we came upon it. And more.

Chasing after unhealthy men is not living. It is desperation, it is sadness, it is pain.

You deserve better than that. I deserve better than that. Every person here hurting deserves better than that.

LOVE yourself first. Someone has to make the first move. You and I and We, have the power to make that first person YOU and ME and US!

{hugs to all}

VirgoPal said...

@Anonymous May 7, 1148 AM

Listen to Mirror when she says walk away. This guy has many traits of narcissistic personality disorder. Men with this disorder will charm you initially, idealize, devalue and then discard you. He is contacting you because he needs a source of narcissistic supply. Its not about making amends. Its about him getting the attention and "high" from you that he craves. Once you give in the same cycle will repeat itself, and you will be even more broken now when he leaves you AGAIN.

Gather your self respect and keep walking. Remind yourself that you are in love with someone that doesn't exist. The real man behind the mask lied and cheated on you....NO CONTACT is the biggest karma towards him!

Lovingme said...

@ Megan K, I also think you are handling him WITH pride! Lol. I'm the same way also. I never chased my disappearing man...well I'd admit during the song & dance I may have contacted him once or twice, but he came back to me. I just wouldn't pursue him relentlessly, making repeated attempts. That never been in my DNA, I was just blind to some other things that I'm working on.

I believe he still cares & yes I would sooooo put another pic up, lol. I did that too with this guy. Your guy would prob feel like he has competition & that he can be easily replaced. I know it's really hard & it does feel like you're dying inside, but in the end it will make you a stronger person & you won't fall prey to his bullshit.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Gemini 50 and VirgoPal,
Thanks for lending support here. Many times when women first land on this site, it takes a bit of tough love to actually jump start the process of self love - and as we all know, support from others can help with that process tremendously.

@LovingMe,
I'm very happy to see that the anger has subsided and acceptance has set in. It's all part of the process dear, there are stages that take place but acceptance is a huge one, it's a milestone. And it's good to see :-)



The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 7, 6:16 PM,
What should you do? You should leave him, walk away and never look back. You deserve better than what he has to offer and you need to go find a better man.

This relationship is toxic and unhealthy and you need to remove yourself from it. His actions are bringing out the worst in you and then when the worst in you surfaces because of his actions - he manipulates you emotionally by then turning around and making you feel guilty for reacting the way you did. When the reality is, anyone in that situation experiencing treatment from another human being like that would behave the same exact way.

It's not you that's the problem, it's him and his actions that are CREATING THE PROBLEM. And you need to get away from him because of it. He'll never commit to you and/or be able to make you happy. If that hasn't happened already, it's never going to. So cut your losses, don't waste another ounce of time on a man like this and move on.

This is why it doesn't pay to chase a man. When a woman offers herself up to a man that's displaying that he's only half interested at best, then she places herself into a position where she can be used, lied to and taken for granted. Had you pulled back and tested him to see if he was genuinely interested, to see if HE would pursue YOU - you would've seen that he was only half interested and you would've saved yourself a lot of pain dear :-( NEVER chase a man - EVER. If you do that, you'll never know if the man is genuinely interested or not, as you've already seen.

He's proved to you that he's:

1) A cheat
2) A comfortable liar
3) A manipulator
4) Immature
5) Selfish
6) Half interested
7) Not capable of making you happy

View all of the above. Is that the man of your dreams dear? Are those the qualities that you feel the man of your dreams should have? I should hope not.

He continues to treat you this way because you permit him to do so. You make yourself available to him, you reassure him that there are no other men interested in you or on the scene and that he has no competition, and you give him more than you get from him in return. As long as you continue to do that, he'll continue to take advantage of it and treat you this way.

YOU are the only one that can take control and break the cycle and demand better from yourself. This man is never going to change, so don't bother trying to beat your head against the wall attempting to convince yourself that he will - because he won't.

Move on and go find your happiness with a better man than him and thank your lucky stars that this nightmare of a relationship is finally over dear :-)

SassyBrunette said...

@Megan K,

I have a lot of pride too, and I'm not going to let some man see me sweat or get the best of me. I'll cry in private, thank you very much.

You asked, "does creating jealousy work?"

I can't answer that definitively. I don't usually friend guys on FB I'm dating or interested in dating. I deleted my most recent ex as soon as he told me we were "just friends", and I haven't contacted him in almost 7 months!

Most (dating) relationships don't work out and you'll probably end up defriending him eventually anyway. If we're exclusive and/or engaged, then yeah he can be my FB friend, once he's earned it. But until then my personal life is none of his business. I think Mirror would probably agree with this. Keeping your FB private adds to your mystery and intrigue and gives him something to "work" towards, ha ha!

So if he's disappearing on you/not making an effort, I'd just unfriend his @ss. If he asks you why, I'd just tell him you noticed things seemed to be fizzling out and you assumed he wasn't interested anymore, and that you were moving on. Make it all about HIS disappearing and mixed messages. Make it a consequence he needs to deal with because of HIS actions, because it really is.

Good luck and keep us posted! I enjoy hearing others' success using NC and having the men come back around. Unfortunately that hasn't been my experience. They just stay gone. :(

Anonymous said...

Hey,

This is great advice you guys are giving everyone. I have a bit of a situation myself…..

So I met this guy online, and we casually talked on the dating site for about a month. We would talk every couple of days, nothing too intense.

So last Thursday he started talking to me aggressively like back and forth. On Friday he asked if I had plans and I didn't so he asked me last minute to go for drinks and dinner. (From the time he asked and the time we met up, it was like 4hrs max)

The date went well in my eyes, he kept saying we need to do this again, and during the date he asked me if I was having a good time, and kept saying that he was and that I’m easy to talk to etc. (he did YAWN though, which I dismissed as he's tired, long week, because he was so engaged in the conversation). So we talked for about 4 hours at a pub over drinks, and I was the one that ended the night casually .
He walked me to my car, and I gave him the cheek. He asked me what I was doing that weekend and I said I didn’t have concrete plans but plan on going to visit family. He then said he had a bbq on Saturday but we should get together on Sunday. I said yea, we should, shoot me a message. At this point I thought he would ask me for my number, but he didn’t. What is up with that??

So Sunday he doesn't msg me over the dating site and he msgs me on Monday evening explaining that he got drunk Saturday and stayed at a friend’s and golfed all day Sunday and that his phone was dead.

Sooo my one concern is why is he still using the dating site to contact me? Am I reading too much into this? Why wouldn’t he ask me for my number?

At the beginning of a relationship I like falling back and letting the guy take the lead, so I don’t want to put it out there and be like “we should exchange numbers”, because in my head he’s a grown man, wouldn’t he have thought of this himself?

Thank you!! :)

Anonymous said...

This is anonymous May 7, 6:16PM...... (The huge message girl)

I'm so happy you responded to me. I appreciate all the advice and tough love you give. I'm ready to walk away and not look back. I REFUSE to try, or chase him any longer. It will NEVER happen again, with him or any other man that comes into my life. Even though this relationship has been years of ups and down, and torture, I learned a valuable lesson..... I need to find my confidence and self love again. I have been dealing with this kind of man for so long that it almost became natural for me to second guess myself, to constantly apologize, and be submissive just so he would come back into my life..... YOURE SO RIGHT.... I permited that kind of treatment, and never let him chase me. I'm sure that after a couple months he'll be surprised to see that I haven't contacted him, and it might spark his interest to contact me. If he does, what do I do? Ignore him or respond with a F-OFF text? I'm going to take all your advice and move on to a man who will prove he's interested, who's a better man than he was, and be grateful that it is indeed finally over! Thank you again.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@SassyBrunette,
"Most (dating) relationships don't work out and you'll probably end up unfriending him eventually anyway. If we're exclusive and/or engaged, then yeah he can be my FB friend, once he's earned it. But until then my personal life is none of his business. I think Mirror would probably agree with this."

Absolutely. I NEVER, and I mean NEVER, friend any man that I'm dating on FB. And I've only ever made one exception to that rule, very recently ;-)

And the reason for this is as you've stated. Most times, these situations don't work out and you only end up regretting that this man can spy on you, follow you, contact you, etc. via social media. In addition, if you like the man, it's painful to watch him carry on with his life. And lets not forget about the unhealthy obsession that can develop by constantly checking up on a person's status, pics, etc. on sites like that.

No thank you, LOL.

I can't tell you how many times I see this update on FB:

"So and so is in a relationship with so and so"

Only to see this about 3-4 weeks later:

"So and so is single"

How humiliating to let all of your friends, family and work associates see that you're jumping in and out of relationships at the rate of about one every two or three months or so, LOL ;-)

People take that too lightly without really considering the overall impression it's giving others who are witnessing this on a regular basis.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 8, 12:15 PM,
Unfortunately dear, and I hate to say this but I'm going to because it's very important yet often overlooked. . .you made this first date way too easy for this man and you made yourself available at the last minute for him.

As innocent as that sounds, there was no challenge there. That can have an odd effect on a man. It can decrease your value in his eyes, make him feel rest assured that there's no competition and also make him lazy. He doesn't need to ask for your number and you know why?

Because regretfully, the next time he wants to see you at the very last minute - that's exactly what he'll expect to be able to do. So there's no need to call, talk, make plans, etc. As a result, he knows your there waiting and now - he's going to take his good old time checking out his other options in the meantime :-(

Dating online is very different and very subtle things mean a lot there:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/online-internet-dating-advice-dos-donts-women-mistake.html

Moving forward, use the three day rule. If a man doesn't ask for a date three days in advance, you're busy and you're not available (even if you are).

Once you make yourself available at the last minute like that - men have a tendency to take that for granted.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 7, 6:16PM,
Good for you dear. Now that you've empowered yourself and placed yourself in that mind set - DO NOT let go of that. Encourage it within yourself to continue to grow. If you are able to do that, you will find that your newly found strength and positive outlook will guide you towards that which you desire - a good man.

If it were me, I wouldn't respond to a contact from this man. However, we all have free will. If you decide to respond - I'd do it about two weeks later and it'd be a 3 word response, LOL ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 7, 6:16PM,
Thought you might like this and find that it gives you strength:

http://youtu.be/ZU5XM0JyO4M

One of my exes was like this. I bumped into him in a bar one time some years back and I played this on the jukebox.

He left.

LOL ;-)

Folks, male or female, stay away from comfortable liars. They'll wreck your mind.

Anonymous said...

This is anonymous May 7, 6:16PM again...

How funny! IF he ever does contact me again, and that's a very big if... I will see how I feel at the time, but I definately won't be responding right away. LOL... Is it bad that I want him to feel some kind of pain like he's put me through? I need some time, but I'm already feeling a lot better. Thank you for the song you shared also. :)

Unknown said...

@SassyBrunette He's been on my Fb page for years, way before we started dating or talking. I'm really good friends with his cousin so I had met him a few times over the years but really didn't speak with him too much. Fb is actually how he started communicating with me, he would first like ALL of my statuses and pics and then try to talk via message and I gave him the run around.. For like 6 months lol & then we started talking on the phone but I would never meet up with him and then I made the mistake of telling him the vicinity of where I live and do you know what he does?? Takes a 3 HOUR train ride out here without my address on the hope that I would let him come over! When I say he chased hard, I mean he chased hard! I'm talking about poems, he would sit on the phone for hours with me and play me music until I would fall asleep! I haven't unfriended him yet but I have made it so he doesn't show up on my timeline, I have to go to his page if I want to see if he updated his status or anything and I make sure not to post anything that makes him think I still care lol & I erased the pictures of him off my page and untagged the pictures of me off of his. So I don't know, I'm working through all of it.


@Lovingme I hope things get better for your situation, if you guys need to vent my ears are open it helps having people to talk to.

Unknown said...

Oh & did I mention we're both Scorpios.. Both good at games I guess.

Anonymous said...

Wow you responded, thank you!
This is @Anonymous May 8, 12:15 PM

I kind of thought that may be it, but at the time, I didn't think of it as being available too quickly, as everything had been soo casual and he had done all the work.

Anyways lessoned learned!

I have some follow-up questions...

How to respond to future messages...should I bother? I mean he hasn't done anything outrageous? Now I could go either way with this guy. I thought he was nice enough to go on a second date and get to know him more, but it’s not the end of the world if he’s just playing games or now doesn’t value my worth.


ALSO, Why do you think he was going out of his way to ask me if I was enjoying myself and if I wanted to hang out etc? Why do you think he apologized for not messaging me on Sunday?

Thanks again! :)

Lovingme said...

Thanks Mirror :). I just did some more thinking, had more eureka moments, & though about how I negatively contributed as well. I wasn't such an angel myself. I said & did some cruel things to him such as inboxing him explicit photos of myself with a guy on FB, as well as uploading a picture on his page with myself & the same guy sitting on his lap...ouch (I know, immature), so I agree as well with not friending someone on FB in the casual dating stages.

I've also excepted & rewarded his poor treatment, which made me snap, which resulted in me violently reacting, hurting him physically that he had to go to the hospital. Not proud of that at all because the injuries he sustained could've been a lot worse, so again...I was NO lovely walk in the park. I've accepted the roles I played as well.
I've also accepted to leave that in the past, along with everything else that has happened, & to only take with me what I've learned & APPLY it.

I was dwelling too much in the past & I just told myself that was really unhealthy. The past is gone, dead & I CANNOT change it. Let that GO because it's over. Once I accepted that I realized I had to focus on the NOW, the present & push forward. I had a relapse but I wasn't done with the lesson & had more learning to do so once I take that test again, I'll pass with flying colors.

I do believe that he has learned the consequences of some things regarding me, knowing if I'm pushed too far, there will be hell to pay, & I really do believe he's recognized that, but he has yet to experience the consequence of losing me. Even with the recent relapse I reassured him that I was still there, but you know what? I also believe he feels as if I'm further away as well, because I've NEVER ignored him the way I did recently before the relapse, & NEVER challenged him to chase me, so I think he's a little unsure now & he's in the thinking process. "Why did she blow me off like that'? She's never done that before, why did she contact me to go out, & never follow through? Why did she just stop the contact? Why did she contact me again in the first place? Is she with someone? Does she not love me anymore? You know what I mean? I do sense that he has unanswered questions in his head & with that being said, I know he will make an attempt to see if I'm really gone for good.

I'd admit 2 weeks after my relapse I was angry at him for not reaching out to me & I sent a text to him saying something like he's such a screw up & just left it at that. I didn't ask him anything about why we didn't go out, or why he didn't call me...nothing. I'm sure he was expecting his phone to blow up with me probing him with questions but I didn't. So again, I do feel as if he believes I'm still there, but he knows something is slightly different & I'm not quite the same. *sigh*

I'm sorry for the essay! Do you think I'm on the right track & do you think that he's also "wondering"? Lol, I had to vent. Mirror I've gotten angry with you in the past because I didn't want to hear the truth & I sent my sincere apologies to you because you were a gift to me. Your articles have gave me so much insight & I'm so grateful you were there for me. You are really an angel & you will be truly blessed for helping others. Thank you. :-)



Lovingme said...

Oh yeah, I just wanted to add that I went through this same thing with an ex, only we WERE in an exclusive relationship, but he mistreated me & took me for granted. I never challenged him either, until 1 fine day...

I didn't care anymore & he stopped a nothing to get me back. To this very day, he tells me he still loves & misses me. He hears nothing but crickets...lol. You'd think I'd learn from THAT experience right? Nope. I learned some, but failed to apply it so I repeated the same mistakes AGAIN until I finally got it, so ladies if you start to go the "insanity" route, it's only because you did not get what you needed to get, which ends up in repeating the same offense. Only when you learn & APPLY, is when you kill the insanity, not to go through it ever again, & you'll be happier.

Unknown said...

UGGG He just called! And I answered because I didn't recognize the number! Uggh I'm so mad.

Anonymous said...

Send a friendly have fun with your daughter text sense he said "friends" but that is so generic for him to say and after reading all the posts I Decided not to. Ease help!

MW

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@LovingMe,
"Mirror I've gotten angry with you in the past because I didn't want to hear the truth"

You're not the first one to experience that reaction and probably won't be the last, LOL. A little tough love and a strong reminder is generally a jagged little pill to swallow and it's human nature to have that type of gut reaction sometimes. And it was necessary for me to respond to it in the manner that I did because I could see your pattern of aggression and anger. And when someone is in that mind set, they cannot receive the messages and are not open to the advice. As a result, I had to take a strong stance with you in an attempt to set that aside in order to get to the "real" you.

And as you can see, the aggression and anger is now gone - and you are open to receive the messages :-)

Yes, I imagine he's reflecting on all of this as well. I still stand by no contact in this situation as I think it's best for both you and him right now to take a breather here. A lot has happened and it's not been good or healthy. Time apart is necessary here for you both.

If/when you do have a conversation with him after plenty of time has passed, if I were you, I'd approach it as friends only and I'd make that clear with him. That way, you are both able to relax, no pressure, and simply communicate openly and honestly.

The more important thing here is you. I'd suggest that you don't date at this time and continue to work on yourself and develop healthy coping skills and practice self discipline. Those two items will help you to overcome the impulsive feelings that arise from increased anxiety. They will also help you to refrain from taking action when in those moments.

So just continue on the path of acceptance and move towards the development of those skills mentioned above. Participate in the community here and the other women will provide you with the support you need, which I think will help tremendously.

And when you find anger escalating or anxiety setting in, DO NOT take action during those times. Instead, get ACTIVE. Exercise, delve into a hobby, get a new hairdo or shop for a new wardrobe, go for a walk, have lunch with friends. Whatever you need to do to distract your mind in those moments, that's what you do.

Remember, when in those moments, do not TAKE ACTION - instead GET ACTIVE :-)

JADA said...

Here is the siuation....me and my ex broke up April 1. Yeah, not long...lol. He dumped me because he said I wanted a "yes man".. We stayed together, and he had gotten to the point of going out with friends not coming home til the next day, i would speak on it...he didn't like me saying what I felt. I know my constant nagging was him pushing him away, but him pulling away, was making me somehow as a defense mechanism push him away...strange i know. Well, anyway....when he left, he was cold..mean...let me back up.. He went out Friday night, didn't come home, called me early saturday morning apologizing...saying that he wanted to fix things and work it out between us, i was ok...things were good ...until Monday, when mother nature shows her head. Then I'm thinking of our relationship. I had came to the conclusion that i needed to get me, my own life, bc i had became focused on him and it was causing problems. Well i texted him, telling him what I felt..yeah wrong thing to do, bc i added more than needed...i said i know he had female friends, i know he goes out with them...and that i was going to start making new friends...guy and girl friends, and hang out, and then i said, that my whole point is, I needed to get a life of my own. Ok, me saying this started a war...he kept telling me what I was saying, not listening to what i was telling him i was trying to say. Fast forward, I have gotten to the point of understanding the break up, bc I understand his point of view. I'm not angry...but this guy...you would think i slapped his mother and called her out her name. He's pissed at me. When he packed, it was like he couldn't get out fast enough...and what did I do...sat there and begged and pleaded...ughhh....I never done that before! Well, Tuesday, I was cleaning my room, and I found somethings of his. I messaged him, told him I would leave it at a mutual friends home. He said thanks. Mind you, its been a week, I have been texting him, not begging him to come back...just to tell him, I understand. And one other time, to ask why he lied on me with our mutual friend. I'm not too big on someone lying on me just to play victim, bc you need somewhere to sleep. I've texted him three times, and yeah...I said a lot in two of them. I've been calm,cool and mature about all this with him. And never talked about our relationship...until boom....he finally calls me drunk...at first he said he wanted to come sleep with me...I was like...you are welcome to sleep on the couch for the night...then it switched...HE started talking about the relationship... He actually talked, he explained to me why he left, how he felt, and what made him leave..he is really into his feelings when he drinks...we talked for a little while. Hung up, he didn't say anything to me again....until later that night. I text and said that i felt he was making me a booty call, and not to do that, and to let me heal and get over him...well he responded with, why can't i just shut up sometimes, and that I'm always bringing up the past...I was lost... I told him, I didn't...he did...then he said his last words.."just stop texting me, I'm tired of seeing your face pop up on my phone"...my last words..."Wow...ouch...you got it"...I can't figure him out. Mind you, all this took place on the day I decided to delete him from my facebook...I told him I needed to heal, and seeing his face wasn't helping, sooooo he got angry...and blocked me. I just don't know what to do. He told me that I say to much, that I just dont know when to shut up...very true...lol. But I love him deeply...but I think I have done some damage and I don't know whether to fix it or let it go. I think I am damaging this, and I don't know how to fix it, or how let go if needed. I think I gave hurt him somehow...please help...lol...sad thing is..I'm 35/leo...born july25, more moody like a cancer...lol and him...33/capricorn..born dec.23...more like a sagittarius... I need advice...do I hold on...or let go

Anonymous said...

1 of 4 maybe 5
Hello,

So I got reconnected with a guy I haven't seen since high school through FB. He was married 9 yrs with an 8 yr old daughter and divorced about 2 yrs ago. He then jumped right into a relationship with a 21 yr old, he is 30, and they ended up living together. Well they broke up about 4 weeks ago because she wants kids and marriage and he isn't sure if he wants that. Meanwhile the prior month they were saying I love you to each other on FB. I have been separated from my husband of 13 yrs for 6 months working towards divorce. The guy who reconnected ask to meet up and have drinks and catch up. He asked to meet up Saturday and I said sure. We started texting Thursday, Friday, and then till our date. We met up and had a great time. He even asked my GF what I thought of him while I was in the bathroom. So he asked to take me out that following Thursday for dinner. When he left I texted him thanks for coming out and he said it was his pleasure and I was awesome and he can't wait for Thursday. We talked lightly through text throughout the week but mostly at my initiation. We went on our date and had an amazing time! The only thing that bothered me was he had kinda said he doesnt want a relationship/GF right

Anonymous said...

2 of 4 maybe 5
now but he was also just going with the flow so thats what i did too. We have so much in common and huge attraction. He actually stayed the night and just cuddled with me. I texted him Friday morning and thanked him again and I had a great time and he said he had an amazing time and I was a great girl. He ended up coming over that night for about 2 hours and we sat on the couch and just talked and he put my legs across his lad and rubbed my feet. He kissed me goodbye and left. The next day he was working his 24 hr shift (fire fighter) and I didn't text him at all and he didn't text me at all. He had texted me before when he was working. But he did like things on my FB that day. Sunday morning I still hadn't heard anything so I shot him a quick invite for the BBQ I was having. Kept it very generic, and an hr later he replied, "Aaaahhhhhh! I would freaking love to, but i wish u told me yesterday.... I ended up making plans, with One of my firefighter bros :-( damn it man!" And he said he would keep in touch. Well he ended up showing up that evening and he was all over me in front of everyone, even putting me in his lap like we have been dating for a few months! We went back to my place with some friends and got into a relationship discussion and he said his last GF was kinda a rebound. Also I want to add she likes everything I post on his FB. So he was saying he doesn't know what he wants and wants to be single for awhile, but I am thinking why in the world is he pursuing me like this. He has always been in super long relationships even in high school. So we all were pretty drunk and he asked if I wanted to go get some food. I did and we had so much fun and he said he really liked me. We came back to my place and after telling him for 30 mins I am not good at casual sex and him telling me he would never push that I end up making the move because I was drunk and had already fallen for him. That morning he tells me I should come see him at his fire station and he would come have lunch with me. We kiss passionately when he leaves. We talk a bit that morning but with my initiation. Then I had something happen with my ex and texted him

Anonymous said...

3 of 4 maybe 5
because he told me if I ever needed to vent he was there because he has been through it. I asked him if I could and he said of course and then told me he was so sorry and feel free to vent to him anytime. So I said something else and I got no response. I then didn't hear from him all day. That evening I met up with a mutual friend for drinks and he invited the guy. When he showed up he looked shocked to see me. He said he was surprised but pleasantly surprised. He seem very uneasy and was acting weird. I tried to play it cool and not give him to much attention. When he left he gave me a crappy hug and I never heard from him. The next morning I sent him a generic text and he responded right away and said he hoped my day goes better than yesterday. I responded back and then heard nothing. Then about five hours later he wrote this"Yes for sure! So i have something to say, and i hope it doest upset u. I feel realy guilty about what happen when I stayed over the othernight. Your a great girl, and more of a catch than me. And id never want to make u feel like ur being used. Its just that i dont need a relationship in my life right now. And I think that both of us are the type that can easily get attached, and i realy need to be by myself for a while. So if its ok with u i dont think we should do that anymore. Id still like to hangout and be friends though. I feel realy stupid, i just think i needed to say this before it goes any furthur." I waited an hr because I felt awful and had no idea what to say so I replied, "Hey thanks for taking the time to send the text....I completely get where your coming from, the other night was nice but its not at all like me believe it or not. I too think being friends is what is best. Have a good rest of your day.... Don't be a stranger." I was trying to keep it like I didn't care even tho I was devastated. He then wrote"Oh I wont dont worry. Ur super cool and im glad we reconnected" I didn't respond. When I got home I decided to deactivate my FB and posted

Anonymous said...

4 of 4 maybe 5
that I was because I need to do me and want to get back to when people were real and not the randomness. And I shut it down. Every guy I have met through Facebook has screwed me over and that was the last straw. My friends said it looked bad because he probably thinks it was for him. I just want to disappear for awhile. So it's been two days of no contact. He is going on a cruise with his daughter this weekend and since he said let's stay "friends" I was going to send him a friendly have a great time text cause I don't want to seem like a brat, but after reading your posts I decided not to. Please help!!!! Is this a lost cause or could I get him back?? We really were perfect for each other and I feel like he started liking me as well and got scared because he doesn't want a GF right now. Or could he still be hung up on his ex and I was a rebound? Or maybe he lived his high school fantasy? i do not normally sleep with someone so soon but we were super comfortable with eachother right off the bat. He lives right by me so I hope we don't run into each other. Also on a side note, he has also now deactivated his FB.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 9, 1:55 PM,
"but I am thinking why in the world is he pursuing me like this"

I believe YOU are the one initiating much of the communication and texting and you are also the one who invited him on the BBQ date.

You also initiated intimacy:

"I end up making the move"

And communication again:

"We talk a bit that morning but with my initiation."

And again:

"I texted him because he told me if I ever needed to vent he was there because he has been through it"

And again:

"I sent him a generic text"

"Is this a lost cause or could I get him back??"

He's already told you that he doesn't want a relationship and he's pulled back from your advances and distanced himself dear. You need to accept that. You cannot make a man love you or want to be with you. He has to want that too, and there's nothing a woman can do to change that.

"because he doesn't want a GF right now."

Not only does he not want a girlfriend - but he broke up with his last girlfriend because he didn't want to get married.

This man is clearly NOT looking for any type of commitment.

Anonymous said...

@ MOA,
Anonymous May 9, 2013 @ 1:55pm
I need to clarify by making the move, he had already made advances with me like kissing and being very lovey dovey, holding me close at night, rubbing my feet, putting his arms around me in public in front of our friends, holding my hand. When I would try to pull away he would pull me back and the sex was both of us not just me. He made the decision to stay the night. He also told me he liked me and could see himself with me. It all happened so fast. And is it strange he deleted his FB and then his ex put hers to private? So my questions are........
1. Do u think he just used me for sex or did he get caught up and possibly could like me but knows he doesn't want a GF.
2. Do you think he went back to his ex by the weird FB actions?
3. Do you think he will really stay friends or was that just a cop out?
4. Will no contact have any bit of an effect in this situation?

Coastbound said...

I've been dating a guy for 6 months. We broke up in March, but are still trying to work on things. During this time, I've had insecurities and tend to overthink things and have done what most women do, which is constantly ask questions about what his feelings are for me and what his intentions are. This of course includes the whole crying thing too when trying to express my emotions to him. He's gotten used to me constantly telling him over and over that I love him and I just want things back the way they were before, but I've kept pushing things rather than just taking it day by day with him. It's like I'm in a rush to get us back to where we were in the beginning and he just tells me to stop overthinking. I just want us to have the "title" of being together again and I guess that's why I'm feeling so insecure. I've basically become obsessed with this and I've never been the insecure or clingy type (which I'm sure is why he hesitates with us offically getting back together). This last weekend I basically spilled my heart out again in a text and because he had been drinking with his friends, he said, "I don't know what to say because I've been drinking and I might just piss you off." I was of course hurt by the comment so I foolishly responded with "Thanks for making me feel like crap...goodnight." He's a stubborn guy with alot of pride (like a lot of men) so it's been 4 days now since we've spoken. I assume because he feels he'll have to apologize for his comment to me and he's not wanting to do it (hence, his stubborness). We've never gone more than a day without talking, but after thinking about my behavior and what an emotional wreck I must appear to him I've decided to take my dignity back and not to contact him at all. I know I HAVE to let him come to me to see if I really matter enough to him. I've never just stopped talking to him, so I'm sure he's noticed it. I even took something that he left behind at my apartment to one of his relatives house yesterday to prevent myself from having to make contact with him to return it. With this said, we are friends on Facebook as this is currently the only way for him to contact me at the moment (long story). Should I continue utilizing Facebook to communicate with my other friends and family while in this "no contact" phase with him? Although I'm not talking to him, he still sees me thru Facebook. I'm not communicating with him in anyway and the things I post have nothing to do with him. I also do not post where I'm going or what I'm doing or who I'm with either to leave him wondering what I'm doing with my time. I do make a point to always post something uplifting (it's rare that I post anything to begin with) so that he sees I'm in good spirits when in actuality I'm miserable right now.

Anonymous said...

I need advice! I met a guy i have been talking to online a few days ago. We spent the night together and had a wonderful time. he was talking about me being his wannabe gf and he told his mom about me etc...i was there for 2 more nights but he did not come to see me. he said he had to work. I don't want to accusehim of lying but I would have thought if he liked me he would have made the effort to come and see me. I aske dhim if it was just sex for him . I aske dhim many times and gave him the chance to admit it so I could move on. Still he ket telling me he liked me and it wasnt about sex. And then he even said "ok" to be gf and bf. But he confuses me. Why didn't he come and see me while I was in town? Should I use "no contact" oh him? I have done this one, but just for a 24 hr. period and he did get worried about me. But that was before we met in person. I wnat to know if it was just sex for him or if he really wants the serious relationship like he said. He's moving so slow, it hurts and confuses me.

Lovingme said...

Thanks MOA. That anger was weighing me down something awful. Every now & then I feel it a little, but it doesn't have such a strong hold. I still have my days but it gets easier with time.

The incident between him & I happened a year ago. We went our separate ways, but I kept running into him thinking it was some sort of sign, bringing us back together...blah, blah...lol, & reassured him I was there. We never got together or rarely even spoke because he changed his # after our incident. I knew this by not calling him, but by seeing him tell someone he did on fb, then I called it to confirm. I never told him I knew he changed it either when we saw each other. He actually planned it by getting his hair cut at MY friends barbershop (somewhere he doesn't go) in order to get info about me.

He told my friend (a guy) everything that happened between us. My friend called me & put him on the phone & I acted as if I didn't know it was him, but I knew of course, but played dumb, lol. We made small talk & I tell him I'll stop by the shop...(running to him like an idiot) *rolls eyes*

As soon as I walk in the door, he asks me about where my "boyfriend" is...(the guy in the pics), haha...whatever...more small talk & I end up dropping him off home, whereas he upset me telling me he had a girlfriend too (I was mad at the time, but for some reason later, I did not believe that)

After that, I didn't see him until a month later while I was driving. My plan was to ride pass him but the darn light was red & he came up to my window. He told me he changed his # I'm like oh...ok, he's like can I move in with you now? (something we we're discussing prior) I said not now...really? Why did I say "not now", lol...

He asked me to "FB" him. 2 days later I did & he responded right away...I told him to call me sometime, he never did & I left it at that, until I bumped into him again driving. He saw me & waited for me to turn the corner, (in the middle of the street) I turned & he signaled me to pull over...I stuck my middle finger up, lol so he gets out of the car so that I can "see" him, & gets back in. I ignore him & I'm still behind him.

He's driving funny to bother me, signaling, not turning....just being silly to get my attention. He finally pulls over & I keep going. A month later I fb message him by saying his name, & he tells me to go to sleep. Silly, I know. I was actually dating someone else at that time & I was mad with him, & stupidly contacted the ex. Nothing happened after that until the recent contact. *sigh*

I said all of that to just give you a brief summary of what initially happened after that incident, just to get a better understanding I guess. We were never in contact with each other, but just having those serendipitous meetings. *sigh* but yes, even now I do agree that we STILL need more time apart, even though we saw each other for an hour last month, it was still kind of fresh. We were glad to see each other but it wasn't the right time...that was when I was supposed to keep up the NC, but failed...it's ok though. :)

Con't...

Lovingme said...

But...there will be NC on my end at all. Not easy because I still have feelings for him, but at this time I cannot be bothered with him. You're also right about not dating anyone else either. I haven't been & I don't feel as though I'm ready, as much as I would love to, & be in a relationship, I'm just not ready.

I'm still searching for my own happiness within myself & getting to know myself a little better, lol. I realize what I've been depriving myself of & I'm in the process of giving it to myself. It's up & down because I have my days of feeling sad/mad, but the sadness & anger is not the same as it was because I have forgiven myself & I can easily move on from the negative feelings regarding that.

When it does rear it's ugly head, it's more of a feeling of not having someone in my life, or him & I just get a little disappointed, but...I always just remind myself that this is what I HAVE to do in order to become a better woman/individual, so it becomes easier to bare. I also think of my diamond analogy, & I also "get active", lol.

So yes...*sigh* it's a process, but I'm closer than I was before & I'm excited to see my progress! :) Thanks!!!!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@LovingMe,
The path is a rough road with many twists and turns and ups and downs. So expect that, and just hang on tight for the ride, LOL.

You're going to find that this is going to be one of the most pivotal times in your life and someday, you're going to look back on this and you're going to be thankful that you did this for yourself. You're going to learn things about yourself that you never realized before, both good and bad, and that's natural.

When that happens, just sort things into their proper place. Don't give the negative your time and attention and focus - only give the positive aspects that - feed the positive.

And once the mental shift and transformation is complete, you're probably going to find that this man doesn't even appeal to you that much anymore, LOL ;-)

Sounds odd, I know. But I see that often. Women are so convinced that the man is "the one" until they are able to take a break, create distance and see him for who he is. And then once they do, they don't even want to be with him anymore, LOL.

Anonymous said...

Hello again Mirror, this is anonymous May 7, 6:16pm.

I found out yesterday that this jerk had been lying to me for a year! He told me he was going to court and was having to start classes for a DUI that he got sometime last summer. I found out, his first one was in May of last year (2012), and he got a second DUI in August of last year. He hid it from me for a while, I was thinking 6 months, but found out yesterday it's been a year since the first one, and he told me only about 1 incident. I knew he had court coming up, but I thought it was all 1 case. WRONG!!! He's going to court on the 21st for the second case to put in his plea, and he's going to jail, there's no way around it, unless for some reason he gets off easy, but any judge that isn't hard on him, with him having 2 incidents in a 3 month period, is crazy!!! Now I know why he wanted to move in and get close to me before court... You're right again.... HE'S A COMFORTABLE LIAR!!!

I feel betrayed because after 6 years I still thought I could trust him, even before the whole hiding his phone thing and him leaving. I guess this is the world way of giving me confirmation of what a sorry ass he is!!! I am so pissed off, I feel so dumb, so used!!! I really don't care if I contacted him either. I told him that I knew about his lies, I told him I was pissed, and I told him I trusted him and he never even gave me an honest chance. I told him not to even respond to me. In a way I'm glad I found out this way because it's definitely making me stronger, and it's making me not ever want to talk to his lying ass again. I've never been this mad at him. It's a great feeling! I know I'm suppose to be focusing on myself, and that's what I've been doing, but when I found this out, I couldn't help myself from contacting him just to let him know that I KNOW he's a liar!!! Something I've never had the opportunity to really get proof of. I don't even care about the 30 day rule, after yesterday, that fool will NEVER hear my voice again. He better NEVER contact me again either. I'm so moving on and never looking back, my thoughts of him have even changed because of this. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 7, 6:16pm,
With a man like this dear, where there's smoke, there's fire. Meaning, if he's comfortable lying about small things, there's a very high likelihood that he's hiding many other things as well.

So brace yourself. This is most likely NOT going to be the last lie you find out about dear. I'm quite sure there are more and now that you've separated yourself from him, they're going to start trickling in and you're going to be hearing more and more.

And when you do, don't dwell on them and don't beat yourself up over it. Instead, stay focused on the fact that you are now finally free of him and free to move on and find your happiness :-)

Anonymous said...

Anonymous May 7, 6:16pm

Mirror,

I'm sure I will find out more and more, but honestly I really don't want to hear anymore, that was it for me, and I have NOTHING left to say to him. That other girl can have him in all his sorry ass glory! lol.. What a great feeling!

I agree with you that there's probably so many things that he was dishonest about. I'm not going to dwell or continue to let it bother me. He DOES NOT have the power to affect me anymore! He can seriously piss off!

I'm excited to see what's in store for me, I'm looking outside the box.

Thank you again!

Anonymous said...

@ Mirror. Just curious.. The guy I was seeing started distancing himself from me a few weeks before it ended.. We had been seeing eachother long enough to actually end things in person. Instead, I was left in the dark, and had to go to him and be the one to start the conversation. I told him that i felt like he was mad at me for something.. in response, he told me "not at all.. I think you're amazing!.. I'm just doing me right now." I accepted that, and only asked that he please stop coming across like he is mad at me. We work right next door to eachother at neighboring bars.. I let him know that I would stay away from his bar when he is working. This whole thing is frusterating on different levels.. Just a few days before this conversation took place we hung out together and he seemed like his normal self. My question is.. Does the 'No Contact' rule still apply in a situation where the other person already knows you won't be around, or contacting them anymore? I'm ok with ending it.. But, I would have liked to have been able to remain his friend. Thank you for your time.

Anonymous said...

Woow.. First of all.. Your article is amazing :D
Second of all, i love the way you reply to everyone..
I want you to look into my matter and suggest me something good..

My story is, i met a guy from my uni a yr ago.. Never met him cz guys & grls r seperare in uni.. Bt i've seen him.. I liked him alot and he used to like me alot too.. He was a gentleman at the begining.. I got really addicted to him.. And i would always talk in a romantic way and he did talk that way too..

All of a sudden, he stopped talkn to me like before, and changed completely into a whole new person.. He said rude stuff like: thank God we never met..
Thn he said: lets be friends..
We kept arguing.. He kept getting mad at me for no reason..
I kept trying to fix him.. I left uni too due to depression.. Im also planning to study else whr.. Also he failed in 1 of the subject.. And for summer course he registerd did payment himself.. He dint inform his parents abt it.. Cz he's too embaressed to do so..

He keeps telln me: u wil find a gud guy, u wil find a better guy bla bla..
And nowadays he keeps sayn: my frnd introduced me to a girl.. N im rly talkn to her nowadays..

I replied: its impossible, cz u said u cn nvr talk to another girl.. N i trust u..
He said: trust me, im..
I said: plz dont if u r
He replied: sorry, i cant help it..

I kept crying n crying.. He changed so much.. Bt thr r times whn he says: it seems u r happy without me.. U hate me.. Delete me off frm bla bla

I even deactivated fb.. Now i switchd off my celfone.. We chat on wtsapp.. I keep goin bak to him.. N he said I CHANGED MY MIND.. AND NOW I WONT CHANGE.. The thing is, whn he does something like this.. He is on his words n nvr changes..

At times he says : whn u get mad i become aggressive..

Bt he keeps sayn: we r frnds we r frnds..
It hurts me rly bad
Cz i know im in love with him :( and that other grl i canot tolerate.. Im vry possesive n he knows that..

If i leave him alone.. I wonder wil he rly come back like b4?? He knows im mad abt him :( bt he acts like a jerk.. He stopped sayn: i like u etc.. Wt do i do??? I feel rly rly hurt.. Plz helppp

Anonymous said...

what do you think of a guy 50 years old dating a 27 year old women. we were together for awhile 2 years but not it has ended...btw im the guy

Upset said...

great article and i love how you respond to everyone :-) so ive been doing nc with someone for almost a month now. we were dating for about 7 months....officially for a little then we broke up but continued the same relationship as if we had never really broken up. weird, i know. spent nye together and my bday which is also in january. in february i noticed him acting kinda distant...he was upset with a cancer scare and then his uncle/godfather passed away so i didnt see him much of february. i asked him if he was losing interest (ugh sstupid) and he said no and that he was just stressed out and had a lot of things going on. he asked me for plans a few days after his uncle passed since i hadnt seen him much before that...i was so happy and of course agreed. i got all ready to see him then he called me and said he had some last minute bachelor party to go to. i was so mad that when he tried texting me late that night i said it was over. he begged and pleaded and said i was making a mistake. the next day i told him i just wanted him to give his time to me. so in my mind thigns werent "over". a week later he ended things with me because he got mad when i asked him about what he really did that weekend because my friends thought they saw pictures of him out (when he said he actually ended up doing ntohing but drive aroundt he city with his friends). i stopped talking to him immediately and he was texting me and saying he didnt want me to get over him. he said he wanted to talk to me about everything. well i went over his house that night and he had ntohing to say and told ME to start talking. i told him how i was upset about the lack of a title and how he ditched me. not much was accomplished. three days later i went off on him saying how he is inconsiderate and selfish adn we didnt speak for a week or so. i broke that short nc bc i missed him. we hung out that friday and he cooked me dinner at his house. had an awesome night. that next week he didnt even ask me for plans and we had the whole convo again about how i wanted some sort of committment. so then he went on about how he wanted to be committed but hes scared, blah blah. even went on to say he was afraid to fall in love with me (he's never been in love). i was thinking yeah right. then he said he wasnt sure what he wanted....if he wanted to share his life with me or be alone. im great and perfect for him but hes not sure if he wants that. ps his best friends just moved into the city and he thinks hes a baller getting bottle service etc. anwayay, i told him that not knowing isnt good enough and i stopped talking to him. he said he'll miss me etc. i said i know. he texted me three days later saying he hoped i found what i was looking for that weekend. i told him i wasnt saying anythign bc i assumed he watned me to cry over him again. havent spoken in about a month. you think theres any hope with nc?

Anonymous said...

Mirror please help. I met this guy online, we hit it off, but I couldn't take the whole thing seriously because of the way we met. Any how, we've carried in for about almost a year of texting and conversations, most of the time I wasn't even texting him back. Recently, I decided to give it another chance, and ended up sleeping with him. It was THE BEST SEX I'VE EVER HAD!!!! He called me that same night to make sure I made it home and now its been almost a week and he hasn't called, he won't answer my texts or my calls! Now, I'm sitting here feeling stupid cause O feel like I've been dooped. Is he paying me back for keeping him at bay all that time or what? WHAT SHOULD I DO?!!!!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 12, 9:50 PM,
If you're unsure of what to do, read this article as the answer is there.

And know that, there is nothing that a woman can do to make a man love her or want to be with her. I think you should use no contact as a way to get over him, not a way to attempt to make him want to be with you.

You need to distance yourself and attempt to move on as best you can dear. And you also need to cease communicating with this man because the confusion is causing you pain.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 12, 11:15 PM,
Hmm, well. . .50 and 27 is not simply an age difference, it's a generational difference. As a result, I would tend to think that with two and half decades difference, it may not be wise.

In those situations of vast difference, it's possible that the younger individual will leave for someone their own age at some point in time. It's a risk.

My suggestion would be to come up at least 10 years, in the late 30's early 40's age range where things have a better chance of meshing on some level of understanding and there isn't a large generation gap of two decades or more to have to attempt to work out.

Anonymous said...

Well OK, Mirror, you know girls are in serious need when their posting lacks almost all vowels (lcks alm ll vwls) but the word 'help' is spelled as "helppp"
(smile)
I'm getting old ha ha

Anonymous said...

Hi I'm to sure what to do in my situation. I have known my x since we were kids and we ere together for over a year i am now having his child and I'm due I'm 16 weeks.we broke up a month ago after a fight we had he ended up moving out and we were talking as friends but now he won't respond. Should i stop talkin to him too.

baglady said...

@Mirror.. I just wanted to say thank you for your blog it's very empowering.. And I hope all the ladies on here find "Mr Right" and I wish everyone the best of luck.. Just an update on my story, I have decided on using no contact permanently on this man. I deserve better :) Anywhoo I found this poem online the other day & I want to dedicate it to all the women on here.


for women who are difficult to love



you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.

Warsan Shire

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Jada,
" I have been texting him, not begging him to come back...just to tell him, I understand."

You don't need to explain yourself like that or martyr yourself to him by being overly understanding. Is he expressing an understanding of your feelings? No. So don't give him something he's not giving you.

"And one other time, to ask why he lied on me with our mutual friend."

It's pointless to do things like that dear. Do you honestly think someone who lies is going to suddenly and miraculously tell you the truth - about why they lied in the first place? No, they're not. They lied because they have something to hide - they're not going to then turn around and reveal to you why they lied and what they had to hide.

"I've texted him three times, and yeah...I said a lot in two of them. I've been calm,cool and mature about all this with him."

That's a bit of a contradiction dear - one the one hand you admit you've said too much, then on the other hand you insinuate that you've been calm, cool and collected.

Sharing too much information and too much emotion is NOT considered cool, calm and collected by male standards.

"I text and said that i felt he was making me a booty call, and not to do that, and to let me heal and get over him"

Again, pointless dear. The WHOLE POINT of no contact is to force a man to THINK about what happened - if you're constantly sharing your emotions and feelings and spelling things out for him - he's never going to think about it on his own. He won't have to if you're giving him a play by play of what's going on in your head.

"he responded with, why can't i just shut up sometimes, and that I'm always bringing up the past"

That's because you're sharing too much information, too much emotion and too much of what's going on in your head with him. You're sharing every little thing and it's overwhelming him.

"I decided to delete him from my facebook...I told him I needed to heal, and seeing his face wasn't helping"

Again, giving him a play by play of every little reason, thought, feeling, etc. is TMI - too much information. It also gives him absolutely nothing to think about. And again, the entire point to no contact is to be mysterious - to force the man to THINK FOR HIMSELF.

"I just don't know what to do"

Why? When I've given you a very good option of exactly what to do right here in this article dear ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Coastbound,
"Should I continue utilizing Facebook to communicate with my other friends and family while in this "no contact" phase with him?"

As long as you're not using it to communicate with him, it's fine.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 13, 8:44 AM,
"I aske dhim if it was just sex for him . I aske dhim many times and gave him the chance to admit it so I could move on."

That's pointless dear. Why on earth would a man admit to a woman that his sole motivation for dating her is sex?

Men are smart enough to know that if they answer with a "yes" - they remove their chances of sex with you because you'll just "move on."

"Why didn't he come and see me while I was in town?"

You're not going to like this answer dear, but that's a signal that a man is only "half interested."

"I have done this one, but just for a 24 hr. period"

That's not no contact. No contact is for a 30 day period. All you did there was take a day to respond.

"I want to know if it was just sex for him or if he really wants the serious relationship like he said."

Then you're going to have to wait and see if HE pursues YOU - there is no way around that.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous, May 13, 8:44 AM,
"Does the 'No Contact' rule still apply in a situation where the other person already knows you won't be around, or contacting them anymore?"

There are no guarantees in life dear. You're going to have to attempt it and see.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Upset,
"then he said he wasnt sure what he wanted....if he wanted to share his life with me or be alone."

Then that's a "no" dear :-( Because if it were a "yes" - he'd be able to say that immediately.

"you think there's any hope with nc?"

Only time will tell dear.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 13, 8:44 AM.
"he won't answer my texts or my calls!"

Why are you pursuing a man? It doesn't pay to chase men, they view it as desperate and weak and it turns them off dear. Don't do that. If you do, you never know if the man is genuinely interested or not.

This piece was written by a man:

http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/dont-initiate-contact.html

"WHAT SHOULD I DO?!!!!"

Read the article, the answer is there - don't contact him sweetie. A genuinely interested man pursues the object of his desire - and the challenge of doing so gives them great pleasure and appeals to their love of competition.

When you chase a man, you remove all of the fun out of dating you for him.

JADA said...

Your right...I do state my emotions. I have had time to think about everything. I have cut all contact from him. It's not easy, but it is needed for my well being. I had to come to grips that he left. The hatred afterwards whether real or not on his part is what hurt me the most. It wasn't my intentions to say what I felt to him when I did..but his reactions just pisses me off...then I realize that was his intentions....to make me seen crazy or something....I get angry with myself for falling for it! No contact helps...if we were to ever speak again I will be able to listen to him. I don't think it was a booty call..I think.it was an excuse to talk to me and express what he was feeling...I let him talk. I realize that no contact helps everything come into prospective for the both of us...what went wrong. Though I never will understand why some men don't realize their fault and blame us completely. I know my fault....lol...I talk WAY too much...lol...I say what is on my mind, and if I feel mistreated I speak on it. I am woman enough to admit that to anyone. I NEVER blame the fall.or failures of a relationship on the man..it takes two to have sex...and it takes two to argue. There is no.questions about the love he had for me....I just never expected the "bitchyness" from a grown man afterwards. Some of the things he does...I swear....I thought I would do it. He is very tit for tat with me. It's driving me crazy!!! So to preserve my sanity...I decided to let it go....if it comes back....well.you know the rest! Thank you...for this article and for the response!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Jada,
"I never will understand why some men don't realize their fault and blame us completely."

That's because men project outward (blame others) while women project inward (blame themselves):

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/08/men-disappear-and-reappear-aftermath.html

"I just never expected the "bitchyness" from a grown man afterwards."

Age alone does not signify adulthood or emotional maturity dear. And childish reactions signify childish immaturity - aka "man child" syndrome:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/modern-man-power-failure-to-earn.html

"He is very tit for tat with me."

Again, a sign of emotional immaturity in an individual.

Take this time for yourself and use it wisely. Do NOT use it by sitting around waiting for his return. Instead, use it to your benefit:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/12/woman-must-have-happiness-dating.html

Do nice things for yourself, engross yourself in a hobby that you've set aside for a man, spend more time with friends, reading, walking, exercising - whatever floats your boat.

That's the fastest way back to self confidence dear :-)

Unknown said...

Update on my situation.. I got stood up again by the guy I'm "supposed to be dating so after that happened I deleted him from my fb and the day after he called me 3 times I didn't answer then today he called twice I didn't answer then I get a friend request on fb from him and a message saying "Did you block me?" And I'm gonna continue to do no contact :)It's fun watching him sqirm for a change.

Anonymous said...

Thank you, Aphrodite Mirror! You are so right on-im so appreciative of your article!! Here is a quick question- i pulled the disappearing act on my guy- blocked him from fb-etc. He contacts me several hours later (after i block him on fb) asking me a question-about something else- neutral question- to test me. I ignore the text and start the 30 day no contact. He contacts me 1.5 months later to ask how i'm doing. I wait 3 days to respond. I kept it short-im doing fine, how are you? he tries to start up a longer convo- i say im leaving to go somewhere, it was nice hearing from you. And he ends by says he is sending "love and good vibes" my way. ??? what does that mean. and he called me "pal" I didnt respond- i left him hanging at that- this is all text message. I'm not okay with anyone who has slept with me-calling me pal. If they start contacting you after no contact- what are the rules after the no contact? what should i in general expect?

Anonymous said...

@ Mirror,

This is Anonymous May 9, 1:55 PM,

The guy I was discussing that said he just wanted to be friends after we slept together very quickly is texting me how are you doing. It's been a week since he texted me he just wanted to be friends. Do I do no contact for 30 days? If he really just wants to be friends how do I handle this? We have the same friends so I am sure he may be out when I am out. We had great dates together and tons of fun, it was after the sex that he bailed. Obviously I want to be more than friends, but I don't want him to think I am being rude by ignoring him? But I want to se if he was really interested. Please help! Thanks.

MW

Anonymous said...

Hi, I was introduced to a man by a friend of mine. We have been seeing each other for about 3 months now. We are sexually involved and have been for 2 months. Lately, we have schedules times to get together and he has been changing when we meet or on one occation cancelling or date. I told him if he was not interested in seeing me then let me know, since I did not want to be a bother. He responded absolutely not, he wants to be my friend forever... please. I called him and said we needed to talk since I did not think even as a friend that I deserved to be treated this way. We chatted then ended up in bed that evening(big mistake) now I am not sure what to do? I agree the no contact rule must be put into play. Please give me advice.

Anonymous said...

Hi Aphrodite,
Ive read alot of your blogs on here. You seem to give really great advice! Im in a situation I never thought I would be again. My ex and I dated years and years ago, we had a very passionate and loving relationship. Unfortunately, with fire comes a burn. We both ended up with other people for years after, but we never lost what we had. We even ended up kissing when we were with our significant others, and decided to cut the cord and not talk and move on.

Up until last year, that was going great. Both of our relationships ended, and the second that they did we came together again. Only this time, we dont live in the same province. Ive flown out to see him a bunch of times in the last 9 months. Our sex is amazing, nothing else compares. Problem is, he refuses to do long distance and I cant move right away. Lately, it seems like I have been doing all the work. I was up this last weekend, and he told me he doesnt know if he wants a relationship right now. I know when a man tells you that, your supposed to listen to what they say and respect it right? Well he texts me almost everday, pays attention to my life, tells me im his and hes mine. Am I being strung along?? I would move there for him eventually, but only If I knew it was real. Can something that has been going on for so long just be casual? Im very confused and need some direction with this, the logical brain is telling me to just concentrate on myself and get my shit done and what will happen will happen. If its ment to be, it will be. But my heart, I feel with him will always always betray me. My head shuts down and my senses take over when it comes to him.
Any advice?
Thanks so much,
confused and addicted.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 9, 1:55 PM,
"If he really just wants to be friends how do I handle this?"

"I want to be more than friends"

If you don't want to be just friends, then you don't settle for being just friends. If that's all he has to offer - then you pass on his offer if it's not what you want.

"I don't want him to think I am being rude by ignoring him?"

The entire point of no contact is to make the man THINK about how he was RUDE TO YOU. How can one realize they've mistreated another if they're not receiving their own treatment back?

"I want to see if he was really interested."

That's what no contact is going to tell you. If you ignore his communication attempts and he continue trying and then apologizes and expresses a desire to talk - then you know he's genuinely interested.

If he makes one or two or three lame attempts, never offers and apology and never expresses a desire to talk or work things out - then he's not genuinely interested.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 14, 10:37 AM,
"I am not sure what to do? I agree the no contact rule must be put into play. Please give me advice."

All of the advice you seek is in the article dear.

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