Dating: When, Why, How, To Use No Contact

There are many dating rules out there, but it’s the tried and true ones, the old fashioned traditional ways of doing things, that really do work, which is why certain rules have held true and lasted over the years.

One of those rules happens to be the No Contact Rule. In this handy little guide, I’m going to explain to you the how, when and why’s of this rule: how to use no contact, when to use no contact and why to use no contact when dating. Because this handy little dating rule serves more than just one purpose and has more than just one use.

I’m going to be speaking to the ladies here, but men, this applies to you as well. But I don’t have to tell you that. You guys are well versed in this dating rule and put it to use regularly. But for those men who may not be familiar with it, read on.

When And Why To Use The No Contact Rule When Dating

When A Man Suddenly Disappears On You

No Contact is a handy little trick to attempt to lure someone back to you – by disappearing on THEM. As most women already know, powerful attraction builds for a man that suddenly, and without warning, disappears. Why? Because you begin to think about them constantly.

Where did he go? Is there someone else? Why did he disappear? It doesn’t matter if all the thinking taking place is actually negative in nature, it only matters that all that thinking is actually taking place.

Why?

Because when someone thinks about you constantly, it actually creates intense attraction for them. Playing hard to get works, ladies, which is why it’s another one of those good ole’ fashioned rules that’s stuck around. Psychologically, people tend to want what they can’t have. It’s called the Law of Scarcity and it works in economics and in relationships.

It’s a scientific fact – uncertainty heightens romantic attraction. So if you’re worried he’ll think you’re not interested and then be gone for good, don’t bother thinking that. That’s just your insecurities talking, that’s just you thinking you’re not good enough. But YOU ARE good enough. Have faith in yourself that you’re worth it – and that he thinks you are, too. Don’t sell yourself short because how you perceive yourself – is how others will perceive you as well.

You see, when he’s uncertain as to whether or not you really like him, it’s actually a good thing. It keeps him interested. It keeps him coming around. It makes him want to win you over. It makes him work harder at the relationship. All those things it does to you when it happens to you – it does to him as well.

When a man disappears on you and you worry that he may be gone for good - when he resurfaces suddenly, do you kick him to the curb? Nope. Well, it works the same for men, gals. When you disappear on them suddenly and without warning and then you resurface out of nowhere, they’re unlikely to kick you to the curb. Rather, nine times out of ten, the individual is thrilled you’ve returned.

Men know this, ladies. They use this dating rule regularly – on YOU.

When You Want Your Ex Back

This handy dandy little dating rule can also be used to lure an ex back into your tangled web. If you’ve overwhelmed your ex with neediness, emotional displays, tons of questions about his feelings for you, anger and frustration and, as a result, he dumped you and now you want him back - employ the rule of no contact immediately. Why? To make him think he was wrong about you - and to make him miss you.

Why?

Because men are human too, ladies. They miss people and they’ll miss you when you suddenly disappear and they’re ringing your phone and texting you and you’re not answering or responding to them. That’s when the roles gets reversed and now THEY’RE thinking about YOU constantly. And all that thinking, negative or not, is actually going to create an intense attraction for you. The point is to stay away so long that the man actually begins to “long” for you.

Men equate “longing” for someone with love, ladies.

To Get Over A Man

Yep, the no contact rule is truly a handy dandy little rule with lots of uses. And the last use is to help you get over a bad breakup with a man – to help you emotionally detach from him. Why do you want to detach from him? So you can move on, think about him less, and allow room to meet other men and cease the unhealthy obsessive thought patterns and embarrassing behavior that ultimately, only makes you feel worse about yourself and helpless.

Why?

You see, when you desperately hang on, when you remain in communication with an ex, you’re doing yourself a big injustice. You’ll never get over him if you’re still communicating with him. So do yourself a big ole’ favor here and stop doing that, right now.

If you want the pain to go away, ladies – you have to make HIM go away, because he IS your pain.

How To Use The No Contact Rule When Dating

When A Man Suddenly Disappears On You OR When You Want Your Ex Back

Generally, the no contact rule is a 30 day rule. How to do this is, when a guy suddenly disappears on you without warning or breaks up with you and you want him to notice you again, you get his attention by suddenly disappearing on HIM – you make him experience the consequences.

It’s what’s best for him and you. That’s how you learn lessons in life, that’s how you learn not to repeat your mistakes and that’s how you experience personal growth and develop coping skills. And yes, they call them “growing pains” for a reason – they hurt. So expect it to hurt and brace yourself for a wonderful period of self-awareness and personal growth.

You disappear for 30 days. You do not take his calls. You do not respond to his texts. You do not communicate with him via social media. You do not communicate or respond at all, period, for 30 days. You stay gone and all he hears are crickets chirping in the dead of night.

After not hearing from you or receiving a response from you for 30 days, he'll begin to think this . . watch the video below, a song called "Madness" by Muse, and pay close attention to what this man is doing in these lyrics here - he's THINKING - about the WOMAN, and what HE did WRONG and how he's now READY to face the fact that he needs to LOVE:

Some woman most likely pulled "no contact" on his ass there.

So then, after a 30 day time period (30 days from the time you decided to use the no contact rule) and lots of time for him to think, you suddenly and without warning – resurface. And you do so by either:

1.) Finally responding to a question from one of his last communications (if he’s asked one)

2.) Simply saying, “Hello, how are you?”

And when communication is reinstated – you keep it short and sweet. You don’t share your emotions, you don’t cry, you don’t text back and forth like lightening for 5 hours and you don’t have long, drawn out 3 hour telephone conversations in an attempt to hash things out. You play it cool. You’re busy, you’re independent, you’re confident and you have a life. You “check in” is all. You make small talk and nothing more.

And from that point forward, you play it cool. You take an hour or so to respond to texts. You return calls a day or so later. You don’t accept last minute date requests, he has to make plans with you 3 days in advance or – you’ve already made plans (even if you haven’t, you pretend as if you have – remember, you have a life and you want to give him the impression that you’re busy, healthy and others desire your time as well). This is how you set healthy boundaries, earn respect and get him to treat you with fairness and kindness.

If he’s started out after the no contact period correctly but then suddenly relapses into bad behavior again, then you employ “behavioral mirroring” with him. If he disappears on you for 3 days, you don’t respond for 3 days. If he takes 24 hours to answer a text, you take 24 hours to respond. If he says he’ll call and he doesn’t, when he does, you don’t answer it and you respond to it 3 to 5 days later. And if he really begins misbehaving and taking you for granted again – you employ the no contact rule all over again for 30 days. This is how you create fairness and balance in a relationship and how you hold your own and you don’t get plowed over again.

This is how you earn a man’s respect, ladies. If you’re a pushover, then that’s exactly what he’s going to do to you – push you over.

When You Need To Get Over A Man Or A Breakup

Breakups hurt, rejection hurts. And most times, they hurt women more than men because of all the emotions women are capable of having that men are not. Men don’t analyze things or beat themselves up. Men PROJECT their emotions – outward and onto others. Women ABSORB their emotions – and beat themselves up.

If you want the pain to go away, you need to walk through those emotions and accept the reality. The only way to get rid of the pain is to feel the pain, to work through it and to learn to cope with your emotions in a healthy manner. To make that process much easier for yourself, you employ the no contact rule.

You do not, under any circumstances, communicate with the man. If you do, you’ll have to experience the consequences of your OWN decisions here – you’ll experience pain again, because you’ve permitted it. So you ignore his calls, you don’t respond to his texts, you remove him from any of your social media profiles and you put the past in the past.

If you remain in contact with your ex, you’ll never heal and you’ll continue to experience the hurt. You must cease contact for your own good. If you want the pain to go away, get rid of the pain – he IS your pain - and you need to get rid of him.

This will help you to think of him less and less as the days go on. You will begin to detach from him and from all of the negative emotions and damaging thought processes. You will no longer feel the intense desire to cling to him or to reach out to him. You will begin to feel better about yourself and you will begin to make room in your life for a new man – one that treats you with respect and kindness.

Using the no contact rule to get over a man - helps you to actually get over him.

And there you have it, a handy dandy little guide to employing the no contact rule properly when dating. There are many times in life ladies, that you must learn to say “no” and actually take responsibility for your own happiness and stop blaming the man when it’s actually YOU permitting this unhappiness. If you want things to change – then YOU have to change. You have to learn to be happy, with or without a man, and you need to stop living under the false impression that you need a man to make you happy.

Your happiness doesn’t come from a man, it comes from within yourself - and you radiate it, like warm sunshine.

So get comfortable with the phrases below:

“No, I won’t tolerate this.”

“No, this is unacceptable.”

“No, I won’t permit you to treat me like this”

“No, I will not be available to you when you treat me with disrespect and take me for granted.”

It’s Simple Gals

If you don’t look out for yourself and treat yourself with respect, then why would anyone else? Men want sex. Women want romance. So the best (and only) way for a man to have sex with you – is to romance you. Period, case closed. It’s a tradeoff, and a fair and equal one at that.

So make them do that, ladies: No romance = no sex. It’s simple.

Learn to say “no” and set healthy boundaries in your relationships and you will actually find that you will begin to feel empowered. You will develop a healthy self-esteem. You will feel confident. You will signal to men that you need to be treated with respect. You will grow dignity. You will find that you worry less and less about impressing a man – and you become more and more focused on a man impressing YOU (romancing you).

You have something he wants (sex): Make him work for it (romance).

Do that and you will be happy. You will be treated with respect and kindness. Give it away for free and you’ll be taken for granted by a man who never wants to lift a finger for you or impress you or give you what you need (romance).

This is not game playing, ladies. This is setting healthy boundaries for yourself, looking out for yourself and earning respect for yourself – and making a man treat you with such.

And here’s the harsh reality, ladies. Recent studies have shown that the modern day woman kisses approximately 75 frogs before finding her Prince Charming. So realize that when you stand your ground and demand respect, lazy men, users, and players seeking sex for free will walk away from you. But that’s a good thing because you’re weeding your way through the worthless ones that would’ve only hurt you anyway.

So if 74 frogs leap away from you – realize that the 75th is on his way to you.

It’s the good ole’ fashioned way of doing things. Back in the day, they called it courting. Try it, it works.

2516 Comments:

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The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 14, 12:17 PM,
"Ive flown out to see him a bunch of times in the last 9 months"

Not good dear. A woman should NEVER go to a man all the time like that. She should never start doing that until they're in an exclusive relationship and even then, it should be 50/50.

By doing so, you're giving him the upper hand from day one.

"he refuses to do long distance and I cant move right away"

If he really cared, he'd accept the distance and work around it and make the best of it. If he isn't willing to do that, he doesn't care enough.

"it seems like I have been doing all the work."

Exactly. And I think it's because that's the way you set it up from day one. However, you let the man treat you from the first date - is exactly how he'll expect to be able to treat you from that day forward.

"Am I being strung along??"

Yes dear, I fear that you are :-(

"Can something that has been going on for so long just be casual?"

Yes. If HE hasn't asked YOU for exclusivity or a commitment, then it's casual. You cannot assume otherwise.

"But my heart, I feel with him will always always betray me."

That's because love is blind dear.

"Any advice?"

Yep:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html; May 14, 2013 at 4:04 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 14, 12:00 AM,
"If they start contacting you after no contact- what are the rules after the no contact?"

There are no "rules," these are only techniques and tactics and they offer no guarantee. However, it is my suggestion that a woman ignore all contact until she hears something along the lines of, "I'm sorry, can we talk."

And apology accompanied by the expression of remorse and a desire to talk and work things out. Because that signals that a man genuinely cares and realizes he did wrong and wants to make amends for it.

Anything short of that usually amounts to the man returning, stringing the woman along for sex, and then disappearing again.

"I'm not okay with anyone who has slept with me-calling me pal"

Agreed. And I hate to say this, but I feel I need to. In a mans world dear, that basically translates to, "F-buddy."

Pal = F buddy :-(

Terms like baby, dear, honey, sweetheart, etc. indicate "romantic" interest. Terms like dude or pal indicate "friendship" only.; May 14, 2013 at 4:10 PM
Anonymous said...: @confused and addicted
I was in your shoes once. I moved to his town, leaving everything behind, without requiring anything from him. It was one of the things I have learned to never do again. I have decided that the next time I am moving away from my life and into someone else's I want an engagement ring on my finger first. I know this sounds old fashioned, but my experience is that once you have made the sacrifice, the other person is very unlikely to reciprocate - why would they? They already have you in the pocket. And you will feel like you have been given the bad end of the deal, and you will not have any leverage to set it straight. I know you love this man, sweetheart, I feel you. But my best advice is to withdraw for now, realize his words are just words, slow the communication down, 'freeze up' a little, and, when he asks why you don't contact him as much anymore (but NOT before - he needs to be sensitized by your change of attitude first, otherwise it sounds like bla bla to him and will go into one ear and out the other), you simply state exactly what you wrote: that you have the feeling that you are making a lot of effort and that does not feel right to you, and that you have given it some thought and have realized that moving to his neck of the woods without a marriage proposal in your pocket is probably not what you grandma would advise you to do. I promise he will balk, try to talk you out of it, play on your emotions (like he is doing already) but you simply + coolly stand your ground, be polite (you say: yes I agree, it's old fashioned, yes I agree that I should not ask you this, yes I understand that surely we'd get married at some point) but you STICK TO YOUR GUNS. If he gets upset and starts ignoring you, fine. You flow with it. You start selectively taking his calls and be prepared to use NC for two months if necessary. Darling, it will be hard but I guarantee you he will come around once you have expressed you value, your requirements. This man clearly loves you but he is confused. You have to be the wiser party and map the path. It takes a consistent and clear approach to land a good (but temporarily confused) man. You can do it, and success will be guaranteed, I can feel it. But you need to take control here, don't leave it up to him because he is running this thing into the ditch and you will have the feeling it's slipping through your hands. Please make a plan, practise how you will communicate it to him and stand strong - for the both of you. YOU have to do and YOU can do it. And if you need support you know where to find us!! I am sending you all my support through cyberspace, keep us posted!; May 14, 2013 at 6:23 PM
Anonymous said...: You are an ignorant sexist.

"Breakups hurt, rejection hurts. And most times, they hurt women more than men because of all the emotions women are capable of having that men are not. Men don’t analyze things or beat themselves up. Men PROJECT their emotions – outward and onto others. Women ABSORB their emotions – and beat themselves up."

As if you could possibly know that men are not capable of the same emotions as females. As if you think men don't beat themselves up. As fucking if. Go spread your filth on your ceiling and let it drip into your mouth.; May 14, 2013 at 11:41 PM
Anonymous said...: great article. well i want to try it, but we work together in the same office, directly opposite each other in the same department, we work hand in hand. so how do i avoid him?; May 15, 2013 at 4:41 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Ladies,
Notice the comment two blocks above this one? There's a reason I permitted that one through.

The reason is, I want you all to see an example of a man that unable to express his opinions and articulate his point in a mature and respectable manner. Rather, he easily slips into childish expression.

This is an emotionally immature man, ladies.

I'm sure he'd like that comment to have some sort of effect, but you see, the problem is - I can't take a comment like that seriously at all.

There's so much anger, so much ignorance and so much hatred directed at me there - that this INSTANTLY tells me that this man is not stable. He is emotionally "off," he is immature, he is angry and he is unable to articulate his disagreement in a non-childish manner.

Bottom line: He's a man-child.

Immature men swing into ignorance and insults immediately - long BEFORE making their point. Because it's not really about their point, it's about insulting you. And the fact that this particular statement is not sitting well with him - tells me he is hurting badly. A woman has hurt him badly and it shows (it's probably glaringly apparent to the whole world in his daily life, I'm sure).

And he's taking all of that hurt and directing it at me with the visual he provides at the end of his comment. Notice how he CANNOT articulate his point very well, however, he CAN articulate his hatred successfully?

I felt this was a good learning opportunity for your ladies. When one is able to articulate their hatred better than their point - they are suffering and they are emotionally damaged at the moment.

With any luck, someday he'll be able to forgive the woman that hurt him so badly and he'll give the rest of us a break as well.

I know it sounds crazy gals, but I wish this man well - it is apparent that he is suffering tremendously inside.; May 15, 2013 at 9:02 AM
Anonymous said...: Could do with some advice here, am really unsure what to do and unhappy with a situation that developed with a boy I know! He was not legal age when I befriended him, not really sure why it came about tbh as he was much younger than me! Anyways I started doing a lot of favours and stuff like that for him as I did some of his other friends! But whilst I didn't care about the others, I got quite attached to this particular person and would always answer his calls immediately! The problem I think is now that he is of legal age, I think I wanted more from him. Even though he is still very young and there are a lot of pressures on him to stay away from me as I am older! I think I do have very strong feeling for him but I also got fed up with the outside interference from his friends etc! So after I had a bad night with him and felt he wasn't treating me with enough respect, I started a period of no contact and felt almost relived during it! However he kept calling me asking me to do things I normally would for him! I didn't reply for ages then finally gave in and got him what he wanted but didn't meet with him! I gave him a short and abrubt text! The same night though I agreed to pick one of his friends up but unknown to me, he was there also, so I had to give him alft home as well as it would have been very rude and unfair not to! It was quite awkward and he was pretty silent the whole journey, just taking in my mood and at the end thanking me for the lift! He hasn't contacted me since and seemed quite upset when he left! I feel dreadful and wonder if I did the right thing! How do I establish contact again without seeming like I have caved ? I was unhappy with parts of our relationship but I do like him, I obviously held back from trying to make it a sexual relationship due to his age. When we met i thought that our relationship would perhaps blossom to at least fb, if not more so am not really sure why I pulled the plug and started no contact! I do miss him and want him in my life despite the difficulties! Any advice would be greatly appreciated ?; May 15, 2013 at 9:15 AM
Anonymous said...: @Anonymous May 14 6:23 pm,
Wow. Thank you so very much for your input. I read it first thing this morning, and cried. Cried becuz you knew exactly how I was feeling. Thank you, for your kind and supporting words. Both you and the mirror. I feel as though I have lost control. Control of myself, when it comes to him. I have no off button. And at first I loved that feeling, but now I realize its not healthy, and its simply not fair. He does have me in his pocket.
I need to take back my power. That, for me, is not an easy thing. Clearly, this man has had a grip on my heart for a very very long time. I hate games, and figured for the past 9 months I would just go with it. But I need some kind of commitment from him. Mirror was right, if it mattered to him he would do long distance for a little while. I would like to ask, how did you get through the situation anonymous?
For me, I just feel stuck. Im going to try what you both said, saying no, becoming withdrawn, doing my own thing for awhile. Thank you, this forum has really touched me and I can already feel a shift for me.
Confused and addicted.
PS Mirror, don't worry about that mans hurtful words, as you said, hes projecting anger onto you.; May 15, 2013 at 11:39 AM
Anonymous said...: Wondering about my situ? Met a man in Jan this year. He had just come out of 5 yr relationship with a child. He now lives alone. I've been seeing him until last week. I took his circumstances into consideration and have been very patient....but he has been very flaky, not showing much eagerness to see me. In these 5 months i have seen him 6 times. Which were good times. He cancelled another date with me last week. For the first time i expressed less understanding but was still reasonable. He said he'd see me mid week. Mid week came and i got a lame "how are you" text. I haven't replied....that was a week ago. I'm sad as apart from this he didn't do an awful lot wrong, but my gut feeling was that he just couldn't be bothered. I haven't felt special. If he cares he will come back right? He hasn't tried contacting me.; May 15, 2013 at 2:28 PM
Anonymous said...: Hey, my boyfriend and did not break up with one another but decided it wasn't the right timing in his life to pursue a relationship. He is leaving for the summer and has countless family and personal issues. It was a mutual break up. We have been friends for 4 years maybe more before we admitted loving each other and dated for 2 months. I started NC the day we officially ended it. Out of respect and to be able to get over the pain or not go over the pain of break up. We havnt been talking for 2 weeks and he texted me on my birthday today saying "Hey you. I know we havnt talked in a while, but happy birthday" I replied with a simple "Thankyou!"

Should I have not replied ? I just want the attraction to build up or for him to keep wondering if i am thinking/not thinking about him/ if i got over him ect ect.. I want things to work out in my favour at the end of the summer and we somehow recontact each other ...; May 15, 2013 at 7:34 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 15, 7:34PM,
If you're going to use no contact, you have to commit to it dear. A response is contact. No contact means exactly that - no contact, no response - for 30 days.; May 15, 2013 at 8:43 PM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror Okay, so i broke up with my ex boyfriend about 2 months ago because i was confused, going through depression, & stress. Recently about 3 weeks ago i contacted my ex and told him i'd like to get together, so we did. & i told him i wanted to get back together and i still loved and missed him and he said he did too but he wanted to make sure it was 100% what he wanted getting back together and he didn't want to rush back into a relationship with me. Well, we texted all that weekend and he even suggested coming to see me one day then that day comes and out of nowhere he disapears and i text him and ask if we are still hanging out and he ignores me so then i facebook message him and ask if hes mad at me he says no that he just needs space right now, so i give him like 5 days of space then i text him and ask how he is doing, no reply. I then facebook message him and i say "Okay you obviously dont want to talk to me right now because youre ignoring me." & he ignores me there too. So i deicided to use the no contact. It has been 3 weeks since we talked, & he hasnt made any effort to try and talk to me. I even have posted pictures online of me having fun with friends and posting positive posts, nothing that suggests im feeling misreable...what is going on through my exs head? I'm so confused as to where we stand because he left me hanging. help? Any advice?; May 16, 2013 at 12:28 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Confused and addicted,
It's me, @Anonymous May 14 6:23 pm (now I feel like 007 haha) I am happy that my words were of help to you. I wish I could reach into your heart and take some of the pain out, but that would defeat the purpose of you finding your own strength - all of it - on your own. But still I wish I could! You asked me how I got through my situation. Well I read a lot of books, about this particular push/pull dynamic between men and women when relationships get tough. I particularly loved: 'If I am so wonderful why am I still single?' by Susan Page, 'Getting to 'yes'' by Pat Allen, 'He's just not that into you', 'Men who can't love' by Julia Sokol, 'How to stop your divorce' by Homer McDonald. It gave me a couple of insights: in love (for men AND kids > 4 years old) women must get out of their 'giving' mode, they need to stand straight inside themselves and use their heads when the results are not what they want them to be. My problem was, and I think I share that with a lot of women on this blog, that I was taught that I have to be nice. So when the going gets tough I would start doing more of what I thought I should do = get even nicer. But (a) that never works (as McDonald would say, bless him) and (b) it is a sign of an underlying belief that be giving our love, the other person will/must/should reciprocate. I believe now that this is a misguided approach and I have changed that in my life. I now consider my love/caring/honesty a valuable gift, my 'core asset', and I do not use it to 'blackmail' anymore. I know that sounds awful, but think about it: if I shower you with my love and attention, hoping with all my heart that you will reciprocate, I put pressure on you. It's subtle, and I would never admit it, I would hide beneath my 'good intentions' ('but I love you'!), but what I am essentially doing is trying to make you give the same back to me. It's pressure, plain and simple. Men do not respond well to that subtle pressure, but women do not respond well to it either. Just think of your overbearing mother. Or that guy that went all pudding on you every time you'd meet him. Kids don't respond well to it either, because you (I) are (am) not their mother but their 'smother'. So, back to the bigger picture: to 'give' it great, and the most wonderful thing we can do for each other in the world, but women (sorry girls) tend to use it as a 'tool' to get what they want. Pressure. And then when the guy withdraws we get miffed. 'It's not fair!' But it is. Because we did not give our love 'freely' - there was a little price tag attached to it. And the receiver may not be willing to pay that price. And if he does not you have lost your 'love gift' and gotten nothing back. And you only have yourself to blame for it. So my suggestion is: try to become aware of your motive for 'giving'. Be critical. Are you 'giving' (doing things for him, making an effort for him, putting up with him) with the purpose of 'getting something back'? Then stop doing that right now. Lean back into yourself. Stand straight. Stop pressuring.; May 16, 2013 at 3:48 AM
Anonymous said...: Continued message to confused and addicted:
It helps me to picture a magnet in my heart. A magnet pulls in, and does not reach out. So I turn on my heart, but I try not to 'give' as a knee-jerk reflex when it comes to men. I watch, watch, watch. My magnet is 'on' so they do come around, and then I simply observe, and when I see loving actions I reciprocate. Not before. Not when it's only words, and especially not when I feel he is withdrawing in any way whatsoever. When he is withdrawing (like your guy is doing) actions on your part will just make matters worse - because they put MORE pressure on him. And you know it - that's what is so frustrating about your situation. You know that what you have been taught to do (be nicer/do more) defeats the purpose. So you will have to put your thinking cap on. What is your goal? To get him to 'give' to you. So don't put pressure on him. Use NC. Lean back. Remove that price tag.; May 16, 2013 at 3:48 AM
Anonymous said...: Continued message to confused and addicted (last part)
Keep doing that until YOU feel comfortable again, until YOU are standing up straight inside yourself again, until YOU feel balanced again. Don't use NC as a breather just long enough to get rid of the puffiness around your eyes and the chip on your shoulder and the dive in again for another round of push/pull pressure. Don't use NC because Mirror says '8 weeks' so you sit with your heart in your hands waiting until the 8 weeks are over, ready to jump up and give your heart away again at the first glimpse of hope. Stop giving, stop THINKING of giving, stop trying to influence him, put all your 'giving' back into the box for now and turn on your magnet. If it feels painful to stop giving then please simply redirect your giving. Join a volunteering group, bring soup to your sick friend, write a sweet letter to your family, smile at someone. Give give give... don't stop! But no 'I give so I get'. No more giving to influence 'him', to pressure 'him', to obtain a certain result with 'him'. That's not giving. That's an unwritten agreement that he has never actually signed up for. If he has any sense he will run for the hills when presented with his 'duties'.

My dear sister Confused and addicted: you will have your man, I feel it. Reading your post it's clear that there is a lot of love between you. But you know in your heart what you have to do: use your brain, not just your heart, decide on a strategy where there are no hiden price tags and give him space (whether he wants it or not!!). I know that you wish you could just skip the hard work and jump straight into eternal bliss with this guy. But this situation is being presented to you for a reason. I bet my bottom dollar that if you now withdraw from this man and start 'working', he will be back faster than you can whistle dixie. Please do me a favor. Visualize your energy stream, the heartbreaking energy that has streamed out from your heart and that has been bouncing off of him for the last few weeks. Visualize it. Now turn that stream off. Turn it off. Do you feel it? You feel lost, dizzy, dazed, as if you have lost your footing. This is because you were 'leaning towards him' and your 'energy stream' was the crutch. Your work for the next two weeks = to balance yourself back into 'standing straight inside yourself' again. No excuses! Keep that energy stream switched off and get with the enlightened woman-program, sweetheart! Use your brain for dealing with him and use your 'price-tag free giving' to make all the rest of us happy. I hope this helps, but I think/feel that you are ready for this journey, and you know it, and that you have the understanding already, you just need to do it. The prince who comes to free the lady from the castle, at the end of the fairy tale? That prince is you. And you are the lady too. All wrapped in one perfect parcel. Now please dry your tears, devise a strategy that includes how often you are willing to interact with this man, which method of interaction you want. Only e-mail and no calls? Good. Tell him. No more than twice a week? Great! Whatever you want is good. But 'no giving' means: no initiating contact, no flying down there, no taking calls when you don't feel like it, no emotional outreach, no 'leaning', if you know what I mean. And you stick with that, come hell or high water. Go take the reigns my dear. It's time!; May 16, 2013 at 3:48 AM
Vee said...: Hi Miss MoA,
I've posted before about the "player" I was dating for 9 months who lost his job, dumped me, came creeping back (I let him), then whittled me down to a couple of hours a week time alternating dinner one week with booty call the second week all on his time. He had his phone shut off for non-payment and after took two days to answer an email only to give me some vague answer that had me hanging around waiting for plans to gel...
Anyway - recently he's been email "bombing" me. 10 days of no contact and I'm getting two or three or more emails from him. Last night it was a shrubbery (he knows I love plants) followed by 2 jokes then 2 sexually explicit emails - one with a photo. Unbelievable. Still hasn't gotten it yet but maybe the gals can learn from this.
Anyway - online dating - started texting a guy (I ask guys for their number after a few email exchanges and then text: hi this is my number) and he starts off asking questions immediately that are personal like how many children how old etc telling me about his day and then starts asking why my kids are spaced in age the way they are. I ignored those questions and told him to call me sometime as texting was not great communication and we should get to know each other better. Well he still asked and then during a phone convo I finally answered that I had been in more than one marriage (I had a feeling he kept asking because he was judgemental). He texted me
The distance was too far but since I worked in the area he'd be happy to meet me.
I replied I understood about the distance thing - good luck with your search.
He responded he would still meet me since I worked in the area.
I replied What's the point.
He responded the point is you would be in the area all the time and we could see each other.
I replied nah that's ok. (there were more texts in between about meeting and that I had said I would be eventually moving close to work when my kids are done with school in a few years)
Anyway he finishes with a tip to move my profile location to where I live rather than work.
I thanked him for the tip by text and he did the whole "huh? who is this" routine.
Well Miss mirror - you are spot on - he knew who I was. He eventually gave me a "well maybe this is why your two marriages failed poor communication skills" after I teased him with a "the mystery remains" to his who is this.

These guys I swear. Was I SUPPOSED to start seeing a man who upfront said a 50 minute drive was too far for him but still wanted to meet me and see where it went. I get the feeling that he was saying this upfront to set the stage for me doing all the visiting and him never having to lift a finger. Thanks Miss Mirror - my gut seems to be doing just fine now.
Vee; May 16, 2013 at 8:17 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 16, 12:28 AM,
Sweetie, there isn't much to be confused about. His actions are telling you all you need to know, you simply need to listen.

"i contacted my ex"

"i told him i wanted to get back together and i still loved and missed him"

"out of nowhere he disapears"

"i text him"

"i facebook message him"

"i text him"

"I then facebook message him"

"he ignores me"

"3 weeks since we talked, & he hasnt made any effort to try and talk to me."

Do you see what's happened above? YOU have pursued HIM. You walked yourself right into this and you pursued a man that wasn't showing any interest in you in the first place. When you did that, he gave you a bit of attention, but then went right back to not being interested again.

This is why a woman should NEVER pursue a man - if you do that, you're never going to know if the man is genuinely interested or not.

A genuinely interested man pursue the object of his affection.

"help? Any advice?"

All of the advice you need is in this article dear.; May 16, 2013 at 8:28 AM
Vee said...: @ Miss MoA:
A puzzle: I had a text "debate" with a guy I never spoke to verbally. He wanted to upfront say that he didn't like meet and greet and it had to be a dinner date blah blah blah. I just didn't know what he meant by meet and greet (formal sponsored datesite affair he meant coffee "dates")
Anyway he texted hey I responded 2 days later Hey and then he started with the "who is this" crap. So I did who is this back. Eventually he texted he knew but never said my name.
Miss MoA - is it that common that a guy doesn't bother to put your name with your number in his phone or is this just player crap?
Also what's the advantage of dinner over coffee? Obligation?

Confused Vee; May 16, 2013 at 8:34 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vee,
Keep listening to your gut like that and remain in a position of "observing" to gather enough information before making a final determination about a man - just as you have done here - and you can't go wrong. Your gut will lead you in the direction that's best for you and you will find that many times, that will be AWAY from the man. Particularly when dating online as that arena really seems to be the perfect PUA (pick up artist) arena.

That guy wanted to convince you to "settle" for a friends with benefits arrangement - i.e. you drive to him, provide sexual favors while receiving nothing in return, and then go home. In his mind, that would've been the perfect arrangement - but your gut was too smart and sensed that things were lining up.

And his little attempt at emotional manipulation with the "who is this" response, only to then turn around and admit he was playing a game, then accuses YOU of poor communication skills and throws an insult at you - not a man you want in your life dear.

He's playing communication games - yet YOU are the poor communicator, LOL?? Whatever.

Keep doing what you're doing and you'll be fine dear. Pat yourself on the back, you avoided a disaster waiting to happen with this one :-); May 16, 2013 at 8:44 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 14 6:23 pm,
Very insightful dear, thank you for sharing that information.

It's true ladies, pressure does not pay - being "too nice" is not the way to go. You will deplete your energy and exhaust yourself in no time, only to find yourself alone anyway.; May 16, 2013 at 8:46 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vee,
"is it that common that a guy doesn't bother to put your name with your number in his phone or is this just player crap?"

It's not that he didn't put your name in his phone, it's the "players" game, the PUA's game. If they insult you in a subtle way (throwing a "neg," they call it), they feel it will make the woman feel insecure about herself and thus - will force her to try harder to win them over.

It's a tactic that's meant to weaken you and place you into a more vulnerable position, thus increasing their overall chances of "bedding" you.

"Also what's the advantage of dinner over coffee? Obligation?"

Not necessarily as I would say that dinner is the more traditional route and probably the better route to go. It shows respect for the woman and gives the pair a nice atmosphere for a "get to know you" session. However, since this man pulled the "who is this" game already, in this case, my gut is telling me that he is shooting for a bit of obligation here as well as the opportunity to spend enough time with you that maybe by the second date, he'd be able to justify an attempt to get into your pants.

When a guy pulls the "who is this" game, honestly, he should be considered "out of the running" at that point. It's a players move, a PUA (pick up artist) move - and it disqualifies them as a viable dating option for a woman in my opinion.

Because if you think that's bad, wait until you see what other crazy, insulting tactics those cartoon characters pull out of their sleeve. They're like goofy magicians, where nothing is real and everything is a fake illusion. It gets old and boring real quick - either that or if you take them seriously, they'll drive you nuts and have you questioning things by the second date.

No thanks, LOL ;-); May 16, 2013 at 8:54 AM
Anonymous said...: @Anonymous May 14 6:23 pm "007"
Confused and addicted here. I am impressed by your strength! It sounds like you have been through exactly what I am going though. You hit the nail on the head when you talk about "pressure", because I do it with everyone and everything in my life. I give, and give, and give, and deep down apart of me is expecting something back. But a lot of the time, it doesnt come. And then I am left devastated. Im not just talking about my relationship with this man, I mean in every aspect of my friendships, family life, work, etc. Its hard to do that and not feel the consequences. I know not of boundaries. They feel so very un natural to me, as if I validate myself with giving others all I have, and when I have nothing left, I look for someone to pick me up. Im very aware of this now, but its about changing my habits. Saying "NO" has never been my strong suit. How do I let go of this man, when he holds such a huge piece of me? He has text me several times the past 2 days. I know he cares. But Im not a booty call, Im not just there for his convenience. It goes against every instinct I have to ignore his messages, but I know, If I want something real, I have to be cold at least for now. I believe, I deserve that. I know my worth, time for me to start acting like it. Im just hoping, that he knows it too. Im still confused though, as if I should be doing NC, or just mirroring him. I haven't messaged back yet, but I dont know if I should cut him off completely for 30 days, or if I should wait a few days and message him nonchalantly. Any advice on the next step?
Confused and addicted.; May 16, 2013 at 12:55 PM
Anonymous said...: hi @Anonymous May 14 6:23 pm,
what a fabulous post, so another way of putting it is this being overly nice giving stuff is actually controlling and based on conditions - I'm giving you this, so you give me that. So not love anyway as love is unconditonal.; May 16, 2013 at 2:33 PM
Anonymous said...: So did i Mess up by replying "Thankyou!" ?
What do I do in this case ? restart no contact for 30 days or more from scratch ? I'm just not mad at him for anything, but i still want him to contact me at the end of summer and try to get back, because i know i wont initiate anything.; May 16, 2013 at 3:13 PM
JADA said...: I screwed up. The day went with him saying...that he didn't think i wanted to see him and he didn't want to , and him saying that he has gotten over us and for me to move on. I said ok bye. All in text by the way, then it went to him drunk texting me a hour later. Saying...he left me because i was always pushing his buttons, and arguing all the time. That he wanted to build with me and wanted to marry me. But I couldn't leave the past alone. I didn't really forgive him because I would always bring up the past. Now, out of all he said... I would agree with the not forgiving him and bringing up what happened in our relationship from the past...when he said that part...it was like a slap in the face with reality. But anyways...he ended up coming over. Recap...we were living together when he left, now he lives out of his car. Should not feel guilt, because I didn't kick his butt out he left! Anyways...when he came..I asked him what did he want. His response, "I came to tell you I forgive you, ask if you forgive me and ask if we could be friends"...my response..you could have texted me that bs! So i answered...I forgive you, i accept your apology and HELL NO we can'tbe friends! He asked why, I said...I'm not even going to answer that. Then be went on again about what happened between us. So I said. What do you want. He said, I haven't really gotten over you, I still love you and I miss the hell out of you...we had a lot of good times together. What about the good times we had? Me..."all of that is irrelevant. I don't want to go back to THAT relationship. Its either we start from scratch or cut all ties. You told me numerous times in all your anger towards me to move on, so that's what I'm doing, moving on. I'm going out, having fun, living my life, I've realized that guys WANT me...and I'm dating"...(remind you, we've only been broken up two weeks...lol..but all.the negative means things has taken a toll on me, and I am living my life as I see fit!). He didn't like that I was moving on, but at that point...I REALLY DIDN'T CARE ANYMORE! That's the good news...bad news...he stayed the night...wait...let me go back...I kissed him...yes me...and had sex...but...I didn't feel anything anymore. I don't know what happened. I mean...I still love him deeply. It's jjst the negative things he said got under my skin. And then when he gets drunk....I'm the one who crosses his mind and he starts reliving our relationship..it is just annoying. Because....I am the one who gets accused of bringing up the past! I haven't spoken to him since then...don't really want to...at least not now. He needs space and so do I. He don't know what he wants and I'm not going down that path with him. I'm living life...thanks to your advice...I've joined a gym, talking to other guys ( the fact that I have the decision of who and when I want to talk is liberating) I've started meditating ....I'm at peace! He is in a world of tormoil by his own doing...and I've decided that I've stressed enough! Thank you for your advice...I'm thinking about me now....and yeah I know...having sex with him might have or did screw up any chance of getting back...but right now..he has a lot of things to do for.HIM SELF to even consider that!; May 16, 2013 at 3:23 PM
Anonymous said...: @ Confused and addicted, hi, it's 007 here. You can do this, I know it. I believe that Mirror is more qualified to answer your questions on how to hold up the NC. NC will be necessary in any case, until he is 'sensitized', so not 'hey wazzup' or peed off, or trying to guilt-trip you into responding, but expressing a genuine desire to talk to you ('can we talk?'). With you guy that may be within a week or two. When he does, I would personally write him an e-mail (as I find talking on the phone very hard in those circumstances) and simply say that you have been unhappy with the development of the relationship over the last few months and that you need some time alone to think on it. No more, no less - and particularly no explanations or apologies, and NO putting this guy on the right track. No mention of your desire for a commitment, his behavior, your sacrifices, not 'please do not contact me' or any bluff like that, nothing. Just: you are not happy and need some time to think on it. He will say (100% sure) "OK well then let me know when you want to talk". That will hurt a bit, to see him give up, but he's just respecting your space and probably very suprised by it. Don't respond to that one: simply go into NC. And that's the Professional Mirror NC - you start working on you, love the caring creature that you are, channel it without any price tags and keep that mental 'beam' that you have aimed at him for so long switched off. Men time is like dog years, so MOA says, so what's one year to them is 7 years to us. It will take time, maybe up to 8 weeks, but if you stick to your guns he will come around and initiate contact again. And then, voila, it's the renaissance girl that he will find. You state your point: you require an engagement ring before any move, and if you want to continue seeing me you can come here. And because you have showed your worth through taking yourself so seriously the last 2 months, without backing down or giving in, he sees you as valuable to. And then it's game on again, but only you will have graduated to be a Mirrorette! Mirror, what are your thoughts? BTW A&C, I am not saying 'caring creature' for nothing. It says a lot about you that, in your first post, you desperately asked for Mirrors help but at the end squeezed in a line to comfort her about the visiting male contributor's 'fine' manners. I think that's great. So don't you sit there and bash yourself over the head about all pricetagging that you supposedly do: I don't believe it's like that, and don't do the self-punishment routine - in my very honest opinion that is just another 'escape route' your emotions have invented to prevent you from starting the work on yourself. Don't fall for it! Those feelings of self-pity go in the box, whether they like it or not! Don't forget tat they have ruled your life long enough, by telling you for quite a long time now how unfair it is that aaaall the love you were giving went unreciprocated. That was self-pity too. If you start bashing yourself now you are just rephrasing the same emotions. Don't wallow in it. In the box with it, my dear. It's a new day!; May 16, 2013 at 5:40 PM
Lovingme said...: Hi Confused & addicted, I know what you are going through...*sigh* it sucks ass big time, but I don't think you should answer. I think at this point he takes you for granted, & is not threatened by losing you because you've given him reassurance that you are always there, so he feels he doesn't need to go out of his way...Once he feels the consequence of losing you he may straighten up & fly right, or he may fly away, but you won't know until you test him & who knows, by then you may not even want him. Happened to me with another ex. Once he lost me, he stopped at nothing to get me back & still wants me to this day. I don't want him though...lol.

Like mirror points out, NC is just that. NC for 30 days...hell maybe even longer than that! I believe the things she states in this article is true. A man associates longing with love & if he doesn't hear from you, not answering his contact, he will go mad...listen to the song Mirror has referenced here...(that is if he was genuinely interested in the first place).

My current ex was going "semi" mad before I screwed it up...>:-/ he was calling/texting, even called from a different # & the MINUTE I gave in just a little...he reverted right back...the bastard. But it's ok...he'll be back. But I won't.

So yes I do believe that you should just give the 30 day NC a try. It will be hard, but you'll feel better.

@Mirror, lol @ "who is this", hahaha I'm notorious for that. I'll play dumb in a minute. I'd do that to guys all the time, & know EXACTLY who it is. It's kind of fun...:); May 16, 2013 at 7:35 PM
Anonymous said...: @007,
So I haven't messaged him in a few days, and last night he messaged me saying that he's going to come down here to see me. I cant help feeling it's a tool of manipulation he's using on me. My heart filled with so much excitement and love when I read that. But can I really believe that? Is this just a way to get me to respond? Ive been throwing myself into work, into yoga, into friends. He can see when I update my FB status, and I noticed when I did yesterday about 30 min later that's when he messaged me. Im just trying to be as distant as I possibly can. No Contact is very hard!! He has a very busy schedule so I can feel he's missing me. I just need to stick to this. Its very very difficult though. I don't want to just "give in" the second he says he will be here. I just know, that Im committed to him. I hate playing these games. But they are necessary to ensure a commitment and what I need from him, right?
So no initiating contact, no responding, no throwing him a bone. I think I can do this!! Thank you for all of your kind words and analogies, they really help 007. I just wish I could fast forward and get this tough stuff over with, just know one way or the other. I think hes worth it, but, I don't want my heart to get all smashed in the process. Being vulnerable is scary, especially with someone I have so much history with. It could go either way at this point.
Confused and Addicted; May 17, 2013 at 11:33 AM
Anonymous said...: @Lovingme
Thank you for coming out and saying that! It does feel like he takes advantage of me! He told me last nyte he was going to come see me, but he was very vague about when, and so it feels like something he would say to keep me either happy or keep me on "the hook". I hate being on "the hook". I think I give love way to much to be on someones hook, at the end of the day, thats not fair on me. Like 007 says, I have to stop expecting something in return when I give, thats not fair. Just something ive been doing for along tyme. Time to give to myself!! Just now how to do that lol. Did you last the full 30 days No Contact? How did it go for you?
Confused and Addicted; May 17, 2013 at 11:37 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I have a different situation I'd like advice on. I left my husband of 17 years because he was emotionally and verbally abusive. He was my first love and the only man I had ever been with and lived with (highschool sweethearts). I feel like he has ruined me. I have no self-esteem or confidence from his constant abuse. I know I should have left sooner. Anyways, do you have any advice that can help me move past this and gain some confidence. I'm worried that unless I make some serious changes in my life, that I will fall into the same situation again and let a man treat me with no respect.

Thanks!; May 17, 2013 at 3:35 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MoA,
I find your blog very empowering. I´ve been doing NC for some time because I felt he didn´t show enough respect for me. I asked him repeatedly to respect my time but he always asked me out at the last minute plus there were some other issues, but those last minute invitations really bothered me since I am really busy and often have to make arrangements with other people. So after some NC I get a text from him saying that we can talk. Now I probably messed up here. I wasn´t in a mood to think at that moment, and I responded that he ddin´t respect my time and I was fed up with it. And wished him a nice evening. A few days have passed and I get no response. Do you think I spolit it or is it okay and I shouldn´t bother. Thank you for help, I appreciate all your blog and continue reading it.; May 17, 2013 at 3:54 PM
Anonymous said...: Ooooh Lovingme is a playa!!!! ;-); May 17, 2013 at 5:06 PM
Anonymous said...: @ Confused and Addicted
Keep doing what you are doing. It's working - it's all good, girl. He is not going to let you go, so you can stop worrying about that. If he gets on the plane to see you: let him come over. Let him talk, hear him out. You'll find the strength to deal with it. You are the one in charge, now, and moving this relationship away from the ditch. You'll get a handle on that steering wheel soon enough, even if it feels a bit scary now. Bottom line = simple: you love him, yes (Ok: yeeeeeess!!!), but require more from him than he has been giving you until now. That's all. This withdrawing that you are doing is for BOTH of you, so you can BOTH have a loving relationship with a steady course, not the wobbly slippery ooooops-there's-a-steep-curve path that he put you both on when you left it up to him. (Oh how I recognize that from my own experiences...)
You are taking charge, but he is doing the work (coming over to see you). That's what the cool ladies who get a ring on their finger do ;-)
Stay the course, captain C&A!
Your sister 007; May 17, 2013 at 5:38 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, Need your advise if possible. I have been seeing this taurean man for the last 4 months. He told me from the start he has a GF of 8 years and she has been overseas for 12months and has not contacted him very often. He was of the thinking that it was almost over so he started seeing me. we get along great in every respect. He has told me that he loves me etc etc. I can tell he does. Very sweet to me and generous. Protective, He always comment on how much we have in common and was talking about doing things in the future together. THEN Last week he called me and said he GF came into his work announcing she was back from overseas. He seemed confused and said he wants to be with me. He then said he wants to be single and is obviously confused upset. He called again the next nite and said he feels guilty for cheating on her but still likes me. We usually catch up on weekends but he said he wanted to have a quiet one. I havent heard from him in 2 days and I have tried to contact. I'm thinking I should do the no contact here for a while to let him have some time & space to think. Do you think this is the best thing to do at the moment. I'm unsure if he has told the GF that he has been with me for the last 4 months and we were really close. He did mention that she quizzed him about being with another woman while she was away as a friend of hers must of seen us together and told her that he was with someone else. Please help; May 17, 2013 at 10:49 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear May 17, 2013 at 11:33 AM

Try and keep perspective on whether he's coming on not and stay grounded. Until you see the action i.e. firm plans like tickets booked or when he's right in front of you, you don't know if it's a manipulation of some sort. So protect yourself, exciting as it may sound and a possible breakthrough (which it might be) don't get carried away with it but hold him to it and see if he can follow through.

I've had this myself of a promise of a visit and I got all giddy and way far ahead of myself and it hurts more if you build up a very high expectation and it is not fulfilled. Mirror is so right you really cannot trust what a man is saying, wait for his actions to prove to you who he is and what he is capable of.

Protect yourself at all costs - make your worth is your upmost priority

The very best of luck!; May 18, 2013 at 4:15 AM
Anonymous said...: PS, I read this recently and it made a lot of sense:
"A man is not interested in experiencing you loving him. He's interested in experiencing you loving yourself when he's loving you."

This ties in with what Mirrors is trying to convey in her blog, I believe.

From Russia with Love
007 ;-); May 18, 2013 at 8:31 AM
Anonymous said...: SC here.

Quick Q - Well it might not be so quick. I met a guy through work. We have worked in the same office for 2 years and I am with the company 3 years. We are both senior in our roles. When he joined I knew he was seeing someone and as was I. Then at a work conference last November 12 we slept together and have done so since. Every day at lunch time he leaves gifts on my desk - treats. We used to email all the time and when I asked why he didnt text me he replied that it was easier and "free" to mail. So in February of this year after months of just sleeping together and monday to Friday (he lives in a different county and is massively into his sport) it came to valentines day. He arrived over to mine with chocolates etc. The following night he surprised me and came over on a Friday night. I had heard that day that he still had his girlfriend. That night I asked him was he single and he promised me he was.

I study part time as well as working and he trains for rubgy so we are both very busy. However I recently finished my exams and now have time to possibly see him at the weekend whilst his rugby season is over BUT I have some serious concerns. It is now at a point where we are texting but still not seeing eachother at the weekend or introduced to eachothers family. Its been six months.

I told him this week that I wasnt someone's monday to friday girl and if that'sall it was to him then he should be honest and call it what it is... he didnt acknowledge it yet arrived in work with this huge box of chocolates to congratulate me on finishing my exmas.

I am contemplating starting the 30 day rule from today but how can I do this in work without coming across as childish?? What if he tries to contact me during the 30 days and I am arriving in to work everyday. Shouldnt I just be honest and say "I gave you an opportunity to come out and be straight with me and you chose not to. I gave you the request to see me more then monday to friday and you haven't. Therefore I am not interested"....

That reads all well and good but actually I really like him...I'm such a weak girl around him and I keep thinking "dont run him out of your life becuase you are still paranoid he has this girlfriend back home".......

Any advice? Will I just start the thirty days and keep it to work related matters only???; May 18, 2013 at 10:46 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 17, 3:35 PM,
Well, for starters you can read this:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/12/woman-must-have-happiness-dating.html

My suggestion would be to work on yourself first, possibly with your physical appearance as this seems to have the greatest effect on women when building self-confidence. I mean - when you look great - you feel great.

Change things up and create a new "you." Change your hair color, change your hair style - get a new look. Next, experiment with makeup and get a new look there and then finally, purchase some new additions to your wardrobe. Not things you'd normally gravitate towards wearing. The point here is "new" - so try on things in the store that you'd never have considered before - and buy the ones that you're comfortable in.

Get a great pair of shoes and a handbag to match and then purchase a nice set of jewelry for yourself, whether you've worn it in the past or not - do it now.

And what happens is - people take notice. They take notice of all of these changes and - they compliment you. And when people notice you and compliment you, this builds your self-confidence up and your self-esteem. And then you soak that up for a while, you take it all in and you see yourself through the eyes of others - via positive feedback.

And that positive feedback then drives you forward and motivates you to make even more positive changes in your life. You can pick up a hobby once again that may have taken a back set to life. You begin going out in public more, making new friends. If this is difficult, take an evening class of some sort to begin to expand your social circle. Take a cooking class, a photography class, a pottery class, a scrapbooking class - whatever floats your boat.

And if you can put just those few simple changes into place - eventually you're going to begin to notice that male attention will come to you. Men will also take notice. And then you can begin to date. You can start dating online, but be wary. You may not find the love of your life there, but you will be able to dip your toes into the dating scene once again and it'll be a nice primer for you.

Try a few of those things dear and you will find that you'll soon be on your way.; May 18, 2013 at 11:28 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @SC,
I don't think you're paranoid dear. I think your gut is speaking to you and you're dismissing it.

There's a VERY HIGH likelihood that this man has a girlfriend. Very high dear.

And if I were you, I'd pull myself out of this as opposed to letting myself stick around only to find out this is the case.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's a duck.

In 6 months, this man has more or less kept you a secret and not let you into his life, his family, nor is he available to you on weekends.

Those are all red flags dear and they are not to be ignored. Regardless of how you want to do it, NC or telling him flat out, either way - I think you need to pull yourself out of this before you give him a chance to really hurt you.

You've already heard rumblings of a girlfriend and his actions are indicating that there is probably one present. Instead of putting energy into HIM, consider putting energy into SNIFFING HIM OUT, as a liar. Because there's a good chance that that's what he is unfortunately as his actions and behavior are indicating that he's got something to hide.; May 18, 2013 at 11:37 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 17, 10:49 PM,
Remove yourself from this situation dear. Do not get caught up in a love triangle here. Remove yourself from the equation and let HIM figure this out, not YOU.

If you stick around, waiting on the sidelines here, you're going to get burnt. Remove yourself and leave him to make his decision here without you. Don't stick around and permit yourself to hang on as an "option" for him. Get out and leave him to this on his own.

If he decides it's you he wants to be with, he'll return. BUT, if he does return, you need some verification that the other woman knows his decision, that it's over and that she's aware of you. He needs to be transparent and open about all of that. If he returns and he's not transparent about it, then he gets no second chance because that means he's stringing BOTH of you along.; May 18, 2013 at 11:42 AM
Lovingme said...: May 17, 2013 at 5:06 PM, Lol....not quite. I just like to play with their head a little. :); May 18, 2013 at 5:13 PM
Lovingme said...: Hello Confused & addicted. I was 25 days into no contact & I folded. Screwed the entire thing up. I called him on a drunk night & blabbed out I wanted him & I to go out!!! WTF was I on????? I'd never just say anything like that to anyone. I saw him briefly a week later because he was actually calling when he said he was & following up (just to "hook" me, lol), so I didn't see any harm in seeing him. What a huge mistake! We chatted a bit, but we didn't talk about us or anything.

At the time he'd just lost a co-worker & was very upset, plus he is going through depression himself & started crying. Again. He doesn't mind crying in front of me at all. He can show me his vulnerable side in that respect, but he doesn't give me what I need. What an oxymoron...we kissed on the cheek, hugged, & we held hands briefly...but that was it. He wanted to spend the night with me & I told him no not now. Why couldn't I just say no period? Smh...

He agreed to go out but reneged & never followed up. I didn't either, but I did text him to say he was a screw up & nothing else. No response & I just had a big fuck you moment. I was just tired of his shit. He had taken me for granted & feels as though I will be there for him because I never gave him a chance to LOSE me. I never gave him a chance to CHASE me. I was always there. It sucks to know how vulnerable I was with him then, but I had to let it go.

Sometimes it comes creeping back up & I get a little sad, but I just have to remind myself that was in the past. I do want him to feel the consequence of losing me though, & that's not going to happen unless he contacts me again to find that I'm non-responsive. :(

But, I do feel as though he knows something has changed because even though I gave in, It took me almost a month to, whereas other times he contacted me, I would go maybe a day or 2 & then respond to him, but never for the duration I've recently sprung upon him. When he gets to thinking, he'll be back to see if I've checked out for good, & try to weasel his way back to me. Please...he's in for a rude awakening. I can't & won't talk to him unless he proves himself, & by then I'm sure I won't be interested anymore....it seems to always happen that way. It soooooo sucks.

So, I just think that you should let your man sweat for you, go mad for you, have his mind consumed with you & the only way to do that is if you just totally ignore the SHIT out of him, lol. Just ignore him. Make him PROVE himself, & make him break his neck for you. Anything short of that gets crickets. It's going to be hard as hell, but it's worth it. Plus during that time you feel empowered & your self esteem increases, & you can continue to focus on YOU & give yourself the love you're seeking from him. Like I said, he'll either fly right or fly away. I hope it works out for you.; May 18, 2013 at 5:44 PM
Anonymous said...: I wanted to start on a positive note cuz its all i got and say that i have been in no contact for three days...lol. Anyway, I started talking to a guy that i went to middle school with thru facebook about 7 months ago. I initiated texts and he intitiated phone calls. We would talk for 3 hours at a time. He is a chef and works 60-70hours per week. He had recently gotten out of a relationship when we first started to talk He always usually responded to my texts. A few months went by he would call...I'd text the entire time. Finally after about two months,He said we have to hang out. i was very excited...A few more months have gone by and we havent yet but continue to talk. So i texted one day and asked if he was still interested in going out..if anything has changed on his part...if he just wanted to be friends...he writes back and reassures me that he does indeed want to go out with me that he has to figure out how to make money and work less. His only time off he spends with his child. We probably had this conversation at least one other time. and of course he reassured me again he was very interested. He said women always get like this with him cuz of his job and hours.6months goes by...we finally made plans that fell thru which he stated was due to care for his child. which i can understand...but im starting to boil now...lol....so just a few weeks back he called me and i missed the call..i was asleep. then maybe after a week i had said the next time i talked to him on the phone i wanted to ask him something. He asked me what it was and so i ended up telling him over text which was longwinded and maybe three texts and its not really how i wanted to do it. i was nervous about the whole thing. Anyway, i asked him what his intentions are and if we were ever going to actually go out. cuz its been almost 7 months and ive offered every scenario i could think of for us to hang out that wouldnt even involve him changing his schedule. I did not want to be thinking things in my head were going to happen if they werent. And said that i was VERY confused about this whole situation. con't; May 18, 2013 at 7:18 PM
Anonymous said...: con't...He didnt respond to those texts for TWO Days. and of course in the meantime my insecure self (cuz i did feel really insecure and unsure about anything at thiis point and very CONFUSED) texted him "did u get my texts? are we still good? just had to share how i was feeling and u did ask me to tell you over text.." ugh... so when he does respond he states that hes been contemplating my text and wants to address all aspects properly...just waiting for uninterrupted time. i said ok. next day he texts and asks me for my email .He said its nothing bad but its too long to text. Hes finished the first draft. lol next day goes by he still hasnt sent it...this is four days after my original questions...we texted back and forth a little bit about regular stuff in the meantime but nothing substantial..but of course i initiated like dummy. a week goes by still no email...I text again and say i feel like you owe me something..im not ur gf by ive been ur friend and just please be straight up with me...do you wanna be phone friends, not friends at all or what? i need to know for myself. he doesnt respond to that...yet texted me about something else...so then its almost two weeks since my question and still no email response...so now im crazy. finally im thinking this guys gonna tell me something one way or another...which i shoulda just taken a clue to begin with...but i said should i stop texting you? are we not friends anymore? i just want to know..thats all im asking...he writes back and says "ha when i finally get a chance to respond to that message there are 8 more texts with more recent topics to respond to. i dont know where to start.lol" ..saying i asked him all these questions....which i guess irritated him but at this point i guess i was insecure and my texts had increased and i was confused and had. no clue what the hell was going on...anyway i just wrote back and said sorry but u had always told me you liked recieving my pictures and texts, (which he always did..it was never an issue til i posed this question the last time...or he never stated that it was an issue) sorry if i got carried away...i said all i wanted to know was if we were going to hang out together. then i said you dont have to respond to any of the messages if you dont want to and i said i just got sooo confused about what was going on if you can understand that AT all....and that was it. I havent heard from him since and i dont plan to initiate contact with him at all...but this IS someone i had considered at least a friend...and i had given him several "outs" if he wasnt interested in pursuing this with me and he never took them so...Idk..just wondering what your thoughts are and if you think he will make an effort to at least talk to me at this point.... we did have very great conversations on the phone for hours and hours which i dont do with anyone...and idk i felt like we connected but maybe it wasnt meant to be. Im in no contact for three days now...what do you think. thanks and sorry so long. ~SO CONFUSED; May 18, 2013 at 7:19 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 18, 7:18 PM,
"i asked him what his intentions are"

There's no need to ask what his intentions are when his ACTIONS (or lack thereof) are telling you all you need to know dear :-(

"its been almost 7 months"

Why are you sitting around waiting 7 months for a man to make a move? You have wasted 7 months of your life waiting on an able-bodied man dear, when you should have been actively casually dating (no sex) other men because his actions were indicating non-interest on his part.

All that's doing is reassuring him that you're sitting there, waiting on him and as such, he's treating you like an option instead of a priority.

"ive offered every scenario i could think of for us to hang out"

YOU shouldn't be doing that - HE should. A woman should never pursue a man as it gives away her power and she also exhibits masculine (leading) energy when doing so. Men are not attracted to masculine energy, they are attracted to feminine energy (submissive).

"I did not want to be thinking things in my head were going to happen if they werent."

His actions were indicating that things were not going to happen after one month. There was no need to wait for 7 months sweetie as that's clearly indicating nothing is going to happen.

"i did feel really insecure and unsure about anything at this point and very CONFUSED"

I'm not sure why you felt this way dear as his ACTIONS (and lack thereof) were indicating his lack of genuine interest :-(

"do you wanna be phone friends, not friends at all or what?"

There's no need to ask questions of him like that. The way a woman knows if a man is genuinely interested is - if HE pursues HER. And if he doesn't, the woman has her answer. Read this piece, written by a man:

http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/dont-initiate-contact.html

"so now im crazy"

Don't be. Let it go, it's not going anywhere.

"i said should i stop texting you? are we not friends anymore? i just want to know..thats all im asking"

No reason to ask this dear as his actions are telling you all you need to know.

"had no clue what the hell was going on"

I think it's very clear what's going on dear. When a man shows a lack of interest, there's no need to ask what's going on :-(

"i had given him several "outs" if he wasnt interested in pursuing this with me and he never took them"

That's because he was stringing you along as an option. You kept reassuring him that you were there, waiting for him, and as a result, he kept you there as an option - because you permitted yourself to be one :-(

"if you think he will make an effort to at least talk to me at this point"

Hey may - or he may not. It depends on his level of interest.

If I were you, I'd move on. I'd begin to casually date other men and I would cease wasting any more time sitting around waiting for this one to make a move dear.

Your happiness is important - and that happiness does NOT come from a man, it lives within you. Do not wait on a man, do not give your power away like that and do not reassure a man that's showing no interest that you are waiting on him. If you do that, you'll be stuck in that loop with him forever and nothing will ever come of it.; May 19, 2013 at 8:52 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi, as a I bi guy, I started a friendship with younger guy whom I don't know his sexuality but because of his age, I think he sees himself as straight! I started a period of no contact with him as I felt we were getting too close, yet the relationship was not progressing and he was being a bit inconsistent, perhaps even just using using me for favours etc! Anyways after nc for a bout 3 weeks (after 2 he gave up trying to contact me) I reastablish contact with a hey how are you message! I have played it very cool with him and have made it look like I am very busy and kept conversations short with him! However the reaction from him has been - after telling me he would contact me again later on he didnt and have found out through his friends that he did a few things that could be construed as trying to avoid contact with me last night! What should I do now? Keep letting him come to me as was case before n/c or a different approach? I don't want to appear needy! Any advice would be greatly appreciated?; May 19, 2013 at 9:39 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear MOA,

I have been seeing this guy for 2 years (on/off), he's broken up with me 3 times before and every time it happened he always said he would still be my friend. After every break up i cut the contact completely, no messages, calls , nothing. He always got back in touch one way or another and we ended up getting back together. The break ups were due to various reasons but no other girls were involved as far as I know.
Last time we got back together we talked and he said that he didn't want to commit and he didn't know how long it would take for him to get to that stage. He has been through a divorce before so I think that he might have issues with commitments due to that. I listened and was very understanding as I have been through a divorce myself and not in any hurry to get hitched again. But I did tell him that I will not put up with him sleeping around so if that is what he wants to do then we would just finish it once and for all. He said that he had no intentions of hurting me like that as I deserve all the respect in the world.
Things started getting a bit more serious after we had that conversation, he was more in touch, he was more worried about me and concerned and would even ask what I was doing during weekends, would share his plans as well, I have met some of his work colleagues and also some family members,we went away together and he's generally helped me a lot with anything I needed and asked for. And then one night I got very drunk (he doesnt drink) and have told him apparently that I loved him and when he replied with a smile I got too emotional. I don't even remember all of that, he has told me all that in the morning. I was very embarassed in the morning of course and appologised for such a drunken behaviour. He told me I shouldn't drink that much.
And after that he started getting a bit distant. After 5 days he has called me and told me that it is over (again!)as he was no longer comfortable with the relationship, as it's started getting too emotional, too complicated and not at all what he imagined it would be. And he didn't want to hurt me in case he meets another girl, although he said he had nobody else at the moment or in plans. But he told me that he would still be there for me no matter what, he would still help when I need it, I could still ask him for anything and we would still stay friends. At which point I stopped him and told him good bye.
Now I have stopped communicating again but I don't know what's in his head. Its been only 4 days. I guess me being drunk and telling him how I felt didn't help at all. And our relationship was improving prior to that.
Did I really freak him out that much?
Will he come back or is it a lost case now? Or shall I not have any hopes as he would never be serious?
Lian; May 19, 2013 at 10:13 AM
JADA said...: I'm trying to figure out just HOW to actually get your suit of armor back. I can't really say that I lost my self esteem. BC, I come from a family who instilled that deeply in me. And I've always believed that when I loss someone, they may take some of me, but it's the weak part of me in which they can pretty much have. BC if they were able to get....it wasn't meant for me to have anyways. I've been thinking a lot snot my ex coming to me and having the audacity to even mention "friendship" to me. My words on it..." All the BS and mean and negative things you have done and said to AFTER the break up I will pass. BC I would rather hear those things come from my enemy then someone pretending to be my friend." I've read and reread all your blogs. They have made me stronger and awaken something in me that I didn't know was there. Am I hurt....of course. Do I REALLY forgive him....debatable...but I am trying. Do I want it to work out...the woman in me says yes. At least my heart does. But my mind...tells me...lol at how he acted afterwards. How he treated you, the things he has said. And I say..I can and WILL do better. My problem comes BC I have four kids...well they aren't a problem for me of course. But I always tend to meet guys who don't have kids or see me as a "used up" woman BC I have them. My kids are my blessings...and I never deny them when meeting a man or leave out the fact that I have my tubes tied...and I don't want anymore kids. I'm 35... I do math....my oldest is 17 youngest is 10...I am not trying to go back...made my stomach hurt thinking about it. At first they are like...I like kids or that's fine. Then we get involved and later on I hear things like what my ex said to me..."I should have stuck to my original plan of dating a woman with no kids...we shouldn't have been together." And I'm like really? Dude you knew I had kids when you met me! My kids have NOTHING to do with this! And it sets me back. Tears me down...and I'm back at square one. Though I know him saying that was a way to get at me and hurt me....but I wanted to slap the dog sh* t out of him! I'm tired of the same old same old...so I know it's something in ME that keeps attracting these sorry excuses for man-childs! I don't want to bring my kids around a guy I date for that reason alone. I have girls...three of them! But at the same time, I can't NOT let them meet either. But I don't want my kids to like them...and they leave me hurt and wounded...BC my kids are a reflection of me....they fell what I feel...well my girls do. And I don't want them growing up thinking it will be the same for them. But I don't know how to fix this. And all this reading and studying ain't helping me feel better. I'm thinking of just not dating another person until my baby girl graduates....lol...it will be a long lonely road..but I have too many people who hearts get affected during a break up...and my pain is bad enough...to add three more broken hearts to it!; May 19, 2013 at 1:05 PM
Anonymous said...: @mirror
I moved into this apartment complex 6 months ago. My neighbor, who lives in another building, caught my eye. He's a full time single father of a 3 yr old boy. A month ago, we finally spoke briefly. He ended up leaving a note on my vehicle inviting me over for a drink with his number. I text him stating I had plans maybe tmrw. We had drinks at his place..he tried to sleep with me. I wouldn't allow it. The second time we hung out...again I wouldn't allow it. Finally the third time I gave in to temptation. I'm human. Everytime I saw him...it was after he put his son to sleep and we were always drinking. He filled my head with things like 'I'm infatuated with you' 'I've never clicked with somwone this fast and easily before' 'I want to take you on a date' things of the sort which now seem apparant that they were drunk ramblings. The last time I saw him, a week ago, he told me he wanted to talk. He basically said he wants me to meet his son but only as his friend. Understandable. He also mentioned he wasn't trying to put on the brakes. He said he would be fine if we didn't have sex if I felt like that's all it was because it wasn't. He wanted to continue to get to know me on a deeper level. He also said whether it be me or someone else, he doesn't want to expose his son to several women. Well, we later carried on our conversation and understanding then had sex. I hear nothing for 4 days. The fourth day I went out of state for the night. When I returned...I pull up and see another woman outside his car with his son. They all leave ttogether and come back and she stays the night. Then the next day they spent the entire day togehter obviously because they left and he didn't return with his son until that evening. The next night...last night....he texts me at nearly 1am saying "what's up stranger. How was your trip?"
I really liked this guy but I think I'm just a piece to him. He obviously has known this other woman for a while to spend time out and about during the day nonetheless let her around his son.
I thought things were going really well but I feel used. Please help.; May 19, 2013 at 3:07 PM
Anonymous said...: @ Mirror, I have been doing "no contact" for about two weeks with a guy that pulled the "I'm doing me" line on me. Right at that point I stopped all contact. We share mutual friends though. He works as a bartender, and this past friday night, a group of my friends wanted to go to the bar he works at.. I didn't realize that he was filling in for another bartender that night. But I went in and stayed away from him. Sat at a table and had a friend of mine get my drink for me. He came out to my table and tried to talk to me. I stayed friendly, but not flirty.. I didn't want to him to see that I still hurt. He laughed at all my jokes, and was very smiley.. I just continued to enjoy all my friends.. When we all decided to leave, and go to a friend's house.. He showed up there.. I felt awkward. But still didn't show it. I didn't give him a lot of attention.. I was just upbeat and civil. He left before the rest of us did, and it left me confused. He put himself out there a bit.. But he was the one that wanted to end things..I don't know if this is a game, or if he just really doesn't care anymore. Any thoughts, or advice?? Completely lost on how to act/feel now.
~Super confused.; May 19, 2013 at 6:10 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Jada,
I have a very close friend that had done exactly what you're considering - she did not date until AFTER she raised her son.

She's in her late 60's now and she's met several men and is dating one of them.

If you're considering this, it will be okay. There is not timeline when it comes to love, it can arrive at any age and at any stage in life. Your other option would be to date only men with children if you're thinking that the pressure of an "instant family" for men without children may be too much for them.; May 20, 2013 at 8:45 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 19, 3:07 PM,
"He ended up leaving a note on my vehicle inviting me over for a drink with his number."

That is NOT very gentlemanly nor is it the proper way to ask for a date. Additionally, when you accepted that type of treatment from him and made yourself available to him - he took it for a "booty call" type of situation.

"I want to take you on a date"

The fact that he was saying that, yet never took ACTION to make that happen should've been a red flag dear :-(

"I thought things were going really well but I feel used."

Sweetie, I really don't want to say this but I feel I need to so that you can avoid this happening again with another man.

He used you dear because you permitted him to :-( He asked you out by leaving a note on your car? It's not proper behavior for a true dating situation. He never took you out on a proper date, even after stating he wanted to, and you STILL made yourself available to him sexually.

Each time you made yourself available to him without requesting any effort, investment or gentlemanly behavior and respect on your part first - he took it as a sign that it was okay to treat you this way - because you provided no objections to it and you continued to go along with it.

Stay away from him. He'll attempt to manipulate you, he'll attempt to explain this other woman away and he'll attempt to keep this situation going - just walk away. Don't buy into any of it and save yourself any further grief. If you let yourself get pulled back in, this treatment will continue and you will continue to feel bad about yourself and used.

For your own good and your own peace of mind, do yourself a favor dear and walk away from this man.; May 20, 2013 at 8:53 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi. I recently joined an online dating site and started talking to this guy who, after a little conversation, said that we should meet up and that he thought I was pretty cute. I said I thought he was cute too and agreed so I gave him my phone number and asked if he liked to text. He said yes I text a bit and immediately texted me. We also exchanged facebooks (I wanted to make sure he was a real person) Anyway, we texted that night back and forth and then I went to sleep. I woke up the next morning, went to work and he texted me and said good morning. I waited a little while to respond and then we ended up texting the whole day. Then all of a sudden he stopped texting. I waited a few days then sent a text saying "hey how's your day going?" No response. A few days later I texted him and said I guess it's safe to assume that you don't want to meet up anymore.." No response. Oh and also I have an iPhone so I can see when people read my texts and he read both of the messages! So I pretty much gave up. I thought he was really cute and I haven't talked to anyone in awhile so I was looking forward to getting in the dating pool again. I had a week moment yesterday and texted him and asked him how his weekend was and he responded and said that it was good and asked how mine was. Then he started asking me how my day was and so on. We got to talking about his work and he was saying how he works 60 hours a week. And I was making a joke saying so that's why you don't text much (regarding our previous conversation on the online dating site) and he said that last week was crazy and he ended up working 80 hours and I said oh I thought you just didn't want to talk to me haha. Then he said lol no I'm just super busy for the next few weeks. And I just said ok. I feel like he's trying to blow me off but I don't know if I'm over analyzing it and that he's just really busy. Am I right? What do you think?; May 21, 2013 at 12:02 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 21, 12:02 AM,
"I text a bit and immediately texted me"

Not good dear. NEVER pursue a man and never start a relationship off by doing so. Because how you behave in the very beginning will set the tone from that day forward. So if it's YOU doing the pursuing and initiating communication from day one - then it will be YOU that will be required to do so from that day forward.

As well, when a woman pursues a man, it tends to backfire. And that's because it's not the natural gender role. When a woman pursues a man, she exhibits masculine energy (leading) and this diminishes the man's attraction for her and he tends to lose interest eventually. Men are not attracted to masculine energy, they are attracted to feminine energy (submissive). Additionally, if a woman pursues a man, she never knows if the man is genuinely interested or not. Consider this piece, written by a man:

http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/dont-initiate-contact.html

"I waited a few days then sent a text saying "hey how's your day going?" No response."

"I texted him and said I guess it's safe to assume that you don't want to meet up anymore.." No response."

See what I mean dear?

"I feel like he's trying to blow me off but I don't know if I'm over analyzing it and that he's just really busy. Am I right? What do you think?"

That's your gut speaking to you dear and I'd advise that you listen to it. Because when a man is genuinely interested he proves it by:

1) Asking the woman on dates
2) Initiating regular communication with her
3) Making time for her
4) Treating her special
5) Pursues the woman

If the above 5 items are not taking place, then the man is not genuinely interested :-(; May 21, 2013 at 8:41 AM
Anonymous said...: Ok. After he said he would be busy the next few weeks and I said ok, he sent me a text saying "it's really cause I'm closing on a house and my parents are coming to visit." And I never responded. If I do the no contact thing do you think he will start to pursue me? Or is it too late?; May 21, 2013 at 12:37 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 21, 12:37 PM,
"If I do the no contact thing do you think he will start to pursue me? Or is it too late?"

No one can accurately predict the way another individual will behave nor are there any guarantees in life.

No contact is a technique to SEE if the man will pursue you.

As a result, you have to go through the no contact period to receive the answer to that question.

And if he doesn't pursue you, you don't attempt to devise other ways to garner his attention or convince him to date you - you simply have to accept that he's not genuinely interested and then you're free to move on.; May 21, 2013 at 1:39 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,
This is just an update for my situation (May 19th 10.13 AM)
After a week of NC I get a message saying "hi, hope everything is ok".
I didnt reply.
To my complete surprise I get another message 30 mins later, but a very angry one "Lol. you are playing this game with me! Ok I just wanted to check if u were ok. You are ok. Good."
I didnt reply.
What shall i do now? Seems like he is getting angry now at NC and looks like he realised there is definitely a NC here. Do I wait for more angry messages? Or just tell him where to go?

Your advice would really help.
thank you.

Lian; May 22, 2013 at 1:36 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lian,
He's not angry, he's laughing out loud (lol) - which is exactly what he led with in that text. He thinks it's funny and he also thinks it's a little game (immaturity). He's not taking it seriously, he thinks it's a joke.

It's natural for an individual to get a bit upset over no contact (if they care) - that's the part of the process that jump kicks them into THINKING about what they've done.

So eventually after not hearing from you, he'll start to think, "Why isn't she answering? "What was it that I did?" "What happened?"

And he'll figure it out all on his own.

If he genuinely cares, he'll return with an, "I'm sorry, can we talk." And THAT'S when you respond to him. If you respond to him BEFORE you get an apology or he expresses remorse - then you're going to go through a repeat of the situation all over again as nothing will have changed.

And if he doesn't return, then he wasn't genuinely interested and you're free to move on.; May 22, 2013 at 9:12 AM
Anonymous said...: Help please....i dont want to go into great detail but met a libra man and started dating, he was full on for about 6 months, love, marriage, adopting my kids, tattoos, spending most of his time with me, compliments over the top, poems all of that shit. Fast forward to now, we have been living together since December, he has been really good with the kids but less into me, nothing bad still a great boyfriend but most compliments have stopped, he prefers to watch movies than be with me, bedroom life has all been my initiation and there have been occassions when i have felt that he just wasn't that into me anymore...now he has dissapeared on me and left me and the kids pretty upset as my boys adored him. I know where he is and all but he wont come see me or talk to me even tho im at home mostly, he is making no time for me texts and calls are short, he doesnt come over when he says he will and all his stuff is still here at mine, cars in his name etc. Now the other evening, he sent me a booty call text after shite communication for nearly 10 days, i declined the offer and told him i wasn't happy with him taking off so no, he has now gone into silent mode, his texts are morning and are you up yet with a few kisses. I have no started the no contact rule as the whole situation was tearing me apart having to deal with my emotions and the childrens. Any suggestions as to how long? I am holding on to hope that he will come back and that this will work, my hesitation in using the no contact is that he will think im not interested in him anymore or dont love him so therefore he has been rejected so wont come back at all (libra man). Also, if he does not initiate any contact after 30 days, what should I do as we have life/house together etc. Any suggestions appreciated.; May 24, 2013 at 10:41 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 24, 10:41AM,
"my hesitation in using the no contact is that he will think im not interested in him anymore or dont love him so therefore he has been rejected so wont come back at all (libra man)."

That's the point - to see if he's genuinely interested or not - and if not - to walk away.

"we have life/house together etc"

Correction - you HAD a life together. You no longer do as he's walked away from it :-(

"Any suggestions appreciated"

If he does not apologize and initiate a talk and/or does not contact you after the 30 days, then you send a certified letter that gives him 30 days to pick up his stuff. And you state that if he does not pick up his stuff within the 30 day time frame - it will be disposed of. You are not a storage house for his stuff and you do not let him linger indefinitely, keeping you on a string until he makes up his mind.

Check with your local authorities on the laws surrounding the time frame you're required to give him to pick up his stuff and to dispose of it, if it is abandoned by him after that time frame.; May 24, 2013 at 11:33 AM
Jaylo said...: HELO Mirror,

3 months dating this awesome 44 YEAR OLD man. He called me every single day, but I was feeling something was missing BETWEEN US. I was afraid he felt the same, and looks like he did.

This morning,he just broke up with me. I am positive he is a good man. The feeling just did not develop inside of him. I know I will miss him, but I will NOT contact him at all. Even thou before I thought something was missing, now that I lost, I want him BACK. I know I must desapear now.

How should I treat him when he contact me? I could see emotions on his face when breaking up. Holding the tears. Not cold at all. WHAT do I do? It's not his fault the feeling did nor grow, but I am hopeful we will return. Good man, so how do I react to a good man, not a player?

JAYLO; May 24, 2013 at 3:27 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Jaylo,
Wait until he contacts you and requests a "talk" - and then respond - and simply talk it out :-); May 24, 2013 at 4:57 PM
Sonja said...: Hi MoA,
may I ask you for advise please. My guy didn´t want to consider my pleas, he always put himself first, we had quarrels about it. Sometimes he yielded, but not many times. In his last text to me he told me to tell him onestly what bothers me. I replied few days later I wasn´t happy with what he did and how he treated me and added I had enough of it. This was some days ago and he didn´t contact me. He wanted to talk and when I said what bothers me he didn´t reply. What do you thing I should do now in case he contacts me and in case he don´t? do you think he understood it as break up on my part? Thank you for you advise and all this great blog.; May 24, 2013 at 5:11 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi, hoping for a little advice.

There's a guy I've known for a few months now and we connected in a pretty big way. He's got a lot of history and he's very insecure and a bit all over the place, but he has a heart of gold. I genuinely believe he isn't out to play games with me.

So I have just told him how I feel about him, and he's basically come back and said he's hung up on a girl he's liked for years (and has not had reciprocation from) and that he thinks I'm amazing in every way but that he's not sure where his head is at, and he doesn't think he can give me what I deserve. I responded that it is fine, he provided me with clarification and I told him I needed some time and space before we spoke again.

I've now gone on lockdown for thirty days, as suggested but I'm feeling pretty raw. He hasn't outright told me he doesn't have feelings for me, and from everything we've spoken about over the last few months, I think it's pretty clear he does have feelings. Guess I'm kinda wondering if there is a chance the no contact might show him what he's missing (we were communicating a lot before) and maybe he will sit up and pay attention. I know he definitely won't be expected me to be AWOL for 30 days!

I'm mostly taking the time to heal, and to be able to get some distance from him. To hopefully be okay enough to be able to have a friendship with him without freaking out abut the possibility of more. But of course I'm still holding out hope. Silly, huh?

In this case, is the full 30 days essential, and is it okay for me to send a 'hello, how are you?' Message or text after the no contact period is up or should I be expecting him to make that move?

Thanks!; May 24, 2013 at 8:04 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 24, 8:04 PM,
"In this case, is the full 30 days essential, and is it okay for me to send a 'hello, how are you?' Message or text after the no contact period is up or should I be expecting him to make that move?"

I would let him make the move. If you contact him, it may be perceived as pursuit. Chances are he'll think it through and return at some point in time.

In the meantime, don't sit and wait for that to happen. Begin to date other men casually and keep moving forward. If he circles back, then so be it. If he doesn't, you're already well on your way :-); May 25, 2013 at 9:35 AM
FrenchGirl said...: MOA - please bear with my English as this is not my native language. Great blog you have here and great articles! I have read through the posts and your answers but still feel that my situation does not really compare to anything that has been described yet.

I met M. last summer through mutual friends (his best friend is my work colleague). He had been single 1 year following a very long relationship. I had been single 1.5 years following a very complicated breakup from someone else. He was clearly very interested, tried to find out through the mutual friend if I would be willing to see him... and then, after about 2 months of unsuccessful attempts at trying to meet me at work events, he asked me on a date. I have to specify here that I am a very pretty woman, that the mutual friend is also interested in me (I am not, though) and that M. is rather plain-looking.

We started dating and I found out that he was a great person: a gentleman, protective, patient, loyal, generous, that we shared the same vision of life and the importance of family. I told him at that time that I saw a potential in us, and that it scared me because I really liked him and was afraid of getting hurt again. His answer was "Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me this. I hope you will never regret it".

Long story short, it took us 2 months of going out on a weekly / twice weekly basis to finally kiss. He is a very affectionate and sensual man and I really enjoyed getting to know him physically as well. I told him early on that I needed a bit more time before we became sexual, and he reassured me that "what matters is that we feel comfortable together and if I needed more time for this to happen, then we would take the time".

So we continued dating, things became hotter and hotter, but we always stopped just before intercourse. The relationship was great: he kept telling me that he loved being with me, I reciprocated, we discussed the possibility of me going with him to the US in a couple of years time if his employer finally sends him there, we made plans for holidays together (a weekend end of March, and then 10 days beginning on May)...

Now that I look back, I see a small reg flag (not even red, let's say white-pinkish): he put so much pressure on himself concerning our relationship! Almost as though I was too good to be true, and he had to be perfect 100% of the time because he could be out at the tiniest smallest mistake. Not true obviously, but I think that the fact that I rejected the mutual friend (very good-looking guy) made him insecure with me. I also have to say that despite his being very successful professionally, he also has a history of being a complete failure at school until he turned 21 (which he is very open about, but bothers him profoundly). So yes, I guess a guy who was extremely interested in me but perhaps a bit insecure because of my looks vs. his, and with history of not dealing well with failure...

So, back to my story: we made plans for our weekend together for Easter, and kind of agreed (without saying it out loud) that sex would happen then. The weekend was great: the first day he was as always: tender, affectionate, sweet. He told me that now that he has me all to himself, he's never letting me go. But sex didn't happen that first day. I very much wanted it but he said that we could wait some more since we took things so slowly until then...

Again, it is obvious for me in hindsight that he was extremely nervous, even more than I was (remember the "out at the tiniest smallest mistake" part?). I think he has dreading the possibility of him not fully satisfying me, and me breaking up with him as a result. Thing is that I didn't see it then. I think I got so swept up in this "We have to do it now because otherwise he will lose interest in me" that I did to him exactly what I was so grateful that he didn't do to me: pressure him. Well, not exactly pressure, but let him know that I really wanted it to happen, and now was the right moment.

TO BE CONTINUED; May 26, 2013 at 8:22 AM
FrenchGirl said...: CONT

As you might expect, bad idea with a man who is nervous, who has a problem with failure, who feels that I am too beautiful for him and could have any other man. And who, as he told me, also had a problem with condoms (and I was not on the pill). Well... our first time was OK. Far from fireworks but OK. The second time though was a disaster: he was even more nervous, didn't manage to put the condom on at first, then did but lost his erection within minutes of beginning intercourse. I deeply and bitterly regret not have been more supportive. I didn't say or do anything negative, of course... but the thing is that I didn't say or do anything. Period. In fact this was my first experience with something like this, didn't know how to react, and decided to do as he did. And he didn't say or do anything. We came back from the weekend and I could feel him pulling away. I got scared and called him that evening. I left a voicemail message, saying that I really enjoyed the weekend, was happy to have shared it with him, and was looking forward to seeing him again.

The following evening he broke up with me by email. Saying that he didn't have enough feelings for me, that he knew I was getting attached, that he was sorry. That he thanked me for my interest in him, trust and desire for him, and that he was certain I would meet a man who would reciprocate those feelings.

It was a complete shock for me. I emailed back 3 days later, saying what I should have said then and there, in that hotel room: that it was the stress, the pressure, and I had thought the first time was a nice experience and a promising one, and I really liked him, I thought he was attractive and a great guy and was in this relationship with a very serious mindset. And that it was a difficulty, but one that I knew we could overcome together.

He emailed again 2 days later, a bit more aggressive: his decision had nothing to do with what I mentioned, he didn't care at all about that, it was just that while he thought I was a great person, he just didn't develop enough feelings for me. I called him the following evening and we talked. A very dignified conversation: I didn't cry, didn't accuse, didn't scream. I just wanted to understand what went wrong for him ("nothing, he never really was that interested, this is why I didn't see a change in his behaviour"), why he didn't fall in love ("we didn't communicate enough, there are lots of things about me that he still doesn't know" --- "you should have asked" --- "you're right, but some things should be spontaneous"). I told him that I was really sad because I thought we had a lot of potential and I thought this could still be salvaged. He said that he needs this to be an end, but that he doesn't know what life has in store for us: maybe it's an end before a new beginning on more solid ground. He said that he needs to think, that maybe in 2 months he'll realise he made a mistake, but he cannot promise anything. He told me not to wait for him, he told me that we will still be in touch via the mutual friend / colleague guy, he told me to trust life to bring what is best for each one of us, and he told me that I can call anytime if I have further questions.

I didn't call, as I know what really happened here: he was ashamed / worried / scared / put off / etc... by the erectile disorder thing. I did not want him explaining over and over again how in fact he never really was interested in me.

TO BE CONTINUED; May 26, 2013 at 8:24 AM
FrenchGirl said...: CONT

After some time I started thinking that in fact perhaps this was a case of "I am sure she will dump me, so I have to be the one who dumps her first". So I assumed that he needed reassurance that my feelings were real and that I was still thinking about him. About 4 weeks in, I sent a short email, giving him some news and saying that I didn't talk at all about him to the mutual friend, so I didn't know how he had been, but I thought about him a great deal and hoped he was OK. No answer. That was 3 weeks ago.

In the mean time, I learnt through the mutual friend (but again, as he is also interested, I am not sure how much I can trust him) that he says that he broke up because he was tired of me never being available (so not true!), of me never calling him (true as I dislike the phone, but we kept in touch via regular emails and of course I always called back if he called me, which he very rarely did as he knew I don't like talking on the phone). And that when asked about the sex part, he said it was good.

Last week, I came up with a new idea (I am a girl and over-analysing comes with the genes): he reproached me with the fact that we didn't communicate enough. He reproached me with the fact that we almost never spoke on the phone and kept in touch via email. So maybe approaching him with an email is exactly what I shouldn't be doing. So 2 and a half days ago, I sent him a text, saying "I would really like to talk to you. Can I call you before you leave for your convention on Tuesday?" (he had told me about this convention that he's going to, and the flight is on Tuesday ,the day after tomorrow). No answer (yet?)

So now I am lost and hesitating between 2 options:
- Option A: this is disrespectful. I do not want a man who disrespects me.
- Option B: things were going so well. He was patient, and protective, and told me time and time again that he loves being in this relationship with me! And he waited for 2 months before he kissed me, and then for 3 further months before we had sex. This is not how a player behaves. And then a player does not have a relationship history of 2 LTR (10 years and 4 years, in a 34 years old man). And a player is used to condoms. Et caetera, et caetera, et caetera. And maybe I am at fault here, by not having been supportive enough when it happened. And every single one of my feminine instincts tells me that he will regret this one day. So maybe what he is telling me here (despite the "you can call if you have further questions"), is just "this is too soon and I need more time".

So as a conclusion: I don't think he is applying the NC strategy on me (even though I can see why he could imagine that I let him down). But just in case he is, and he needs reassurance about my interest and willingness to take my part of responsibility for what went wrong... do I pursue (at the risk of pushing him away), or can I consider that I have done enough to let him know that I am still very into him, and now it should be his decision to take the next move or not?

Thank you so much for your advice and suggestions!; May 26, 2013 at 8:25 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @FrenchGirl,
"do I pursue"

No dear, you've already done that and reached out to no avail. The ball is in his court. If he wants this, he'll make a move.

"Option A: this is disrespectful. I do not want a man who disrespects me."

You can't really view this as disrespectful because he was respectful in breaking up with you. He want honest and he handled it appropriately.

I think you're too focused on the ED here and missing the big picture dear. He spent 5 months getting to know you and in the end, he felt that he didn't see a future there. I think that's what happened, not necessarily the ED :-(

And I also think he's a bit insecure and, as a result, "NEEDS" more - he needs lots of attention and reassurance to make him feel good about himself. "was tired of me never being available (so not true!), of me never calling him"

Insecure men needs lots of female attention in order to feel like men. I think he expects a woman to be falling all over herself attempting to get his attention and when you didn't do that, it bruised his ego.

Which is fine, so be it. Dating an extremely insecure man is NOT fun dear. What happened here was probably for the best. I'd leave it be, accept it and move on. If he's interested, he knows where to find you. And pursuing him at this point is only going to push him further away. And if he never returns, you keep moving forward.; May 26, 2013 at 9:49 AM
Anonymous said...: @French girl
I feel for you so much... Perhaps he will man up and there will be a happy end, who knows? Your story has touched me because I´ve had similar experience. You seem to be a self-confident, healthy woman and he must have been intimidated by your inner strength. Mirror, do you have advice for such scenarios when the woman is strong and is in love with a weak man? If I understand correctly, you say such a scenario is virtually impossible to maintain, or is it. I am a strong woman myself but at first sight I don´t make such an impression because I look very feminine and gentle. I usually attract guys who think I am a fragile being and when they discover I am strong, they feel scared, not manly enough and a problem arises. Do you have any advice for strong women as to how to handle this? Providing she doesn´t want to break up with him. How can a strong woman make a weaker man feel masculine by her side if he otherwise is a good person? Thanks for your opinion.; May 26, 2013 at 12:38 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Aphrodite, This is a great site and I wish I would of known about this earlier before. Here's my story. My heart is broken and I am upset, i cry every day. My BF broke up with me about 2weeks ago after dating for a 1yr and half. He said that we argue to much and he no longer wants to be in a relationship. I didnt know anything about the no contact rule so he texted me last week asking me how I was doing. I was so excited that I replied back ok but missing you. He said he loves me and misses me too however he still didnt want our relationship back. I love him and I know he loves me is it too late for me to do the no contact rule to see if he'll pursue me or should I just give up and move on?

Thanks @heartbroken May 26 2013 214pm; May 26, 2013 at 2:15 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello Mirror, your website is great! This is my first time on it and I wish I knew about it earlier. My BF broke up with me about a week ago as he said he wanted to focus on himself and not wanting to be in a relationship anymore as we constantly argue. We've been dating a year. I pleaded and pleaded for him not to end it but he said this is what he wanted. I am so hurt as we have involved both our children and our parents into the relationship and everyone all gets along and love each other very much. I don't understand why he would want to just end the relationship and not want to work things out? He says he's in love with me dearly but feels this is best. I am so confused and upset. He hasn't called me and when I called him he said he just feel its best that we be friends. I decided to to use the no contact rule, however he texted me the other day to say hello and like an idiot I texted back. Now I want to use the no contact rule to see if he really wants me is it to late for me to use this rule?; May 26, 2013 at 2:31 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,

This is Lian (May 19 amd may 22).
I have another update.
After no reply to the last message I got another one from him (5 days later) : "which phone do you wasnt for your bday (he knows I wanted a phone before the break up), if you are still talking to me. if you still want a phone. Its up to you."
I didnt reply. so after 3 hrs I get another message: "Done! This is the last time we talk."
I haven't replied so far but should I?
I didn't hear a "sorry" from him. All I heard from the message was an atempt to bribe me with some goods.
Am I still to continue with the NC?
Or you think this was the final message from him?

Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and experience.

Lian.; May 27, 2013 at 1:37 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi there just saw your post and was wondering if it will work for me.

Sorry if it's long and boring.

Been chatting to this guy online for a while and have added each other on Facebook. He was coming up this weekend to visit (he's originally from where I live) and asked if I'd like to meet. So I did on Saturday, didn't kiss or hold hands but it went really well. I messaged him later to say thanks I had a really good and he replied back saying he did too , didn't want to leave me and wanted to kiss me but didn't know if he could and I said he should've.
He text m the next day saying hie was at a friends house and was having a BBQ. He said he wanted to see me before he leaves today so asked if I would join him so I did. From then on it went downhill. He asked in front of his friend are we dating, I didnt know how to reply so I said 'I don't know, what do you think' and he said he didn't know. let the shyness overtake me and hardly spoke and was quiet. I also got the impression he wasn't interest after a couple of hours, was still very friendly but no flirting and didn't kiss me at end which the day before he said he wanted to. When I got home. I messaged him saying thank you to him and his friends for inviting, they all seem really nice and that it was nice to him again. Then I added that I got the impression he wasn't interested or that he wants to meet again. He replied back say he thought the same about me so I said I like him thought he was funny but no worries that he's not interested. What confused me is that he replied saying 'I am......but you didn't really seem to talk' so I replied explaining i get shy and quiet when I'm around a bunch of people I don't know....... Then nothing, no reply at all. I'm confused cos when I said no worries if not interested he put 'I AM'..... But then nothing to say he understand or accept my explanation. I think I made it quite clear that I'm interested after the last messages but all I seem to have is confusing replies and no reply to the last.

Will the NC rule work for me or should I message him again to make it even more clearer that I'm interest and ask again if he is. This is the first guy I like since I've split up with my long term ex.; May 27, 2013 at 4:32 PM
JADA said...: Update: so my ex comes by yesterday. On the pretense of wanting to see my kids. He stays ALL day. We talk. It seems crazy to me, but he said a lot. He told me: i really love the hell out of your wicked ass, he does not want to lose contact with my kids( mind you they are not his kids at all) , he loves my kids like they were his own, he told me he had sex with another girl, that he wants to be friends, i said no again, he asked why, i said bc i don't want to, he said he knows i don't want him back, i said you don't know what i want, then he opens up even more. He told me, he is moving to Arizona, he wants me to move there, me and my kids, he told me if i moved there with him, he wants to her married, and he will go to see a therapist to seek help to help us work out. He told me he felt like he lost the best thing that ever happened to him, that he wanted to be with me, but for right now he wants to take it slow, and work our way back to where it was good. I told him, we will have to start over, that i didn't want that old relationship. He said that was fine with hun. He doesn't want to be here in NORTH CAROLINA....that it won't work. We were talking about moving to Arizona earlier in our relationship, he also told me that he will give me time to think about everything. That i don't have to make a decision now. Mind you, we aren't back together, I'm not trying to rush it right now either...it's only been a month we've been seperated. I have never doubted his love for me or my kids. He actually told my kids he wants us to move to Arizona with him, and he will marry me. And as long as I've known him, he has NEVER lied to my kids. I just don't know what to do now. I mean, i love this guy, and the fact he wants to seek professional help astounds me beyond belief. I am just scared...of what i don't know...i guess it's because he broke up with me. But as you know, tine helps you see your faults as well as the other person. If i am honest with myself.... I know my insecurities is what pushed him to do a lot. And no, I'm not sugar coating the issues... I had to really FACE myself in the mirror. I realized a lot of my exes aids the same thing about me, sooooo i had to FACE it. I am really scared that I'm going to mess it up again. He has faults...but so do i. I just don't know how to fix mines. We were honest about a lot when we talked. I am not even upset that he had sex with another person...bc i knew that was gonna happen. I am more scared I'm gonna mess this up again, like all my other times, and not just with him. I see the pattern in myself, but i don't knew how to go about fixing it. Should i see my own therapist...go with him, together...i just don't know. We both admitted our own blame to the break up. He sees his pattern in past relationships..but he says he wants to get help to make and help it work with me, bc he loves me so much. I need help with this. I mean,I've never been the type of female to care so much about a guy after we broke up, i usually move on with my life, but i really love this guy, and the fact he wants to seek help... I don't know...help me with this one please...and DO I NEED HELP TOO. My insecurities happened after my first child was born..and it just progressed to insecure, which i cover up with anger. Where i tend to wear a tough outside, where i am very blunt and mean....but I'm really a softy at heart. But my mouth tends to be a little TOO much at times...my mouth tends to speak before my brain can catch up...ughhh i don't know...help me. I'm just scared that I'm going to mess this up toys time...; May 28, 2013 at 1:45 AM
Vee said...: Hi Mirror it's Vee again.
I posted previously about a guy that lost his job then dumped me, contacted me again and managed me down to a "dating with benefits" relationship then lost his phone for nonpayment and quit responding to my emails to make plans in a timely manner. Oh yes he was one of those guys that invite the woman to call and contact. He was always very good about a plan and fun things to do - that's what kept me interested.
I went into no contact after a particularly empty sex experience for (never any cuddling does do nice things like bring a warm towel, but this time he practically threw me out the door afterwards) me and him avoiding my emails for two day lapses. His response was email bombing - a guy that took two days firing 5 emails a day?!! Remember they were sometimes very sexual in nature and then changed to little funny images from the internet and invitations to go to a greenhouse and images of the greenhouse he has where he put some plants for the first time in several years and knew I had asked to maybe borrow it. (Wonder if that request freaked him out)
Moving on - he invited me over and I finally responded that sex w/o love was hollow and made me feel like $hit. He responded I'm sorry. I responded teach me to get dumped and then accept FWB. He said he respected me, was sorry for any BS didn't meany any harm or hard feelings thought that was my idea (I don't remember I was crushed during the call and had had a couple of drinks) Said it was hard to let go no one ever made him feel that way in bedroom. Said he wanted to see me sometime. I told him I wouldn't allow myself to be treated that way. Told him I wasn't cut out for FWB and if he wanted to see me he had to make plans and quit breaking them. That I didn't like drama that I wanted a relationship with someone that wanted to spend time w/ me. He countered with offers for several activities and said he wanted to see me ASAP. Oh yeah ,and to let him know. Which was our previous dynamic. I followed with a something's gotta change email and that he had to lead because it didn't work last time I didn't want to keep recycling and it's not natural for a woman to lead. The man's role is to lead, the woman's role is to choose the man she wants to follow. We made plans to see each other at a restaurant bar Wed.
Mirror - I don't know what to think here. Some of this stuff seems really to stink of passive aggressive behavior. He also seems to be attached to me - told me he loved me once (I wouldn't let him say it when he was bursting to say it). I didn't believe him. He keeps insisting he cares and was desperate but as you pointed out demanding with his contacts during no contact. I very suspicious of the "hard to let go of the best sex of his life" "I've got a hold on him he wished I didn't have". I mean it's like he's fighting his attraction? Confused. Please help me unravel some of this so I can go Wed for some closure or with a strategy to figure things out a bit.
Thank you for all your help - I hope my story also helps other women,
Vee; May 28, 2013 at 9:14 AM
Vee said...: @Kaylee
This guy screams self centered narcissist to me...
Vee; May 28, 2013 at 9:27 AM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror I'm newbie in relationship and it is my 1st love. I'm the person who don't want sex before marriage. When "about into" relationship with he until officially in relationship with him (got already 6 months), he really done a lot of good things for me (buy concert ticket watch together, giving advises, count down new year together, etc). During officially in relationship, the few sex issue which is he mention to lick my break and next 2 weeks, he bring me to his house. I found out just both of us in the house only and I was a bit shivering and scare because the feeling is too strange and powerful.
These issue arise to become complicated and serious cause me can't think what supposed to do, how to solve, my mind can't think at all, can't focus what i'm doing and i'm totally lost control in my life. At the same time, I really hate that I'm so easily get influenced by his general advise, usually make a rush and wrong decision to decide something (not related to sex), my goal and direction path slowly faded.
I do discuss with him about the sex issue through phones many times, the solutions brought out seem like doesn't work at all. All I know is everytime I with him, I can sense the sex feeling getting stronger day by day. I just really afraid because of the feeling I had may end up with one day I will subconsciously give him my body and having sex with him. When I start telling him about this sex feeling I had, he keep on saying he see things based on fact and situation not feeling. His meaning was so far it didn't happened or didn't sexual intercourse. I not really can figure out what type of guy is he.

Because of these situation, I really can't take it anymore and I break up with him. He told me that I hurt his feeling but I do really say sorry and told him the clear reason of breakup. I didn't blame on him for what happened. I also begging him to remain as friend because he is worth to contact (he care, he advise, he help, etc). After few days, I call him up to find out his situation how's going on. In fact, everyday I really get hurt the most, I feel suffered and pained the most when I realize he seem like he make himself very busy and not really want to talk to me.
The second month of breakup, I totally no contact on him including no call, no message, unfriend him in fb, deleted all messages. I feel like it is more painful and hurtful than 1st month of breakup but at least I able to move a bit fowards in my life.

One of the day in a no contact rules month, I was working in shopping complex and I was face to face coincidence bump on him. I have no choice I have to greet him and we chat as a normal friend do. Then, he say he will call me tonight or tomorrow. He do really call me so many times, but I really not ready to answer his call. He also change his phone no. to make sure I answer his call.

After I answered his call, I thought we will have friendly chat or peaceful talk but end up I feel very stress to talk to him and both of us start to argue the pass break up. Until today, when I start telling him about this sex feeling I had, he keep on saying he see things based on fact and situation.

What should I do now? No contact rules on him again? how many months? who to initiate to make a call?; May 30, 2013 at 3:48 AM
Vee said...: @Mirror
Update from Vee. I met him out last night and wow - I'm trying not to be too hopeful here, but he was interested, attentive, and cautious. No sexual innuendos, no attempts to get too close to me personally. I made a deliberate attempt to control my body language - sat sideways to him always and just turned my head to him - defensive posturing. I was friendly and casual and we had a lot of laughs. We finished with a hug in the parking lot. A heartfelt but not too long hug and he rubbed my neck with his beard.
Then - he followed up with a thank you email mail to which I responded an how later thank you and we both said it was nice. He followed again with another email inviting me to contact him if I wanted to get together again which I didn't see until morning.
I replied that I would like to see him again and he should ask then when I would like to do what (pretty much).
Mirror, I'm trying to turn the dynamic around. HE needs to ask because last time I took the lead and he lost all interest. I think I did an OK job of trying to put the ball back in his court.
This definitely seems to be an example that worked - he's regretted his actions, he's behaving much better.
I worry that he is very experienced with women. I'm not sure if it was just my body language that he "knows" he is starting from scratch with me. I'm afraid he's been through the "recycle" or "boomerang" thing with many women. Or maybe I'm overthinking it. He says things that I feel objectify women. I've only ever heard him talk positively about one woman. Complicated.
Anyway - thank you mirror. I don't know yet if this guy is the one for me but your advice did exactly what you said it would. It made him think about what he wanted and what he was doing and brought him back with a contrite heart ready for an honest attempt to try again.
Vee; May 30, 2013 at 9:08 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 30, 3:48 AM,
There's nothing you can do here to change the "fact" that he's insensitive. He's insensitive to your feelings as a woman and he's attempting to use male logic on you to convince you that this is okay.

When the reality is, it's NOT okay, until YOU feel it's okay. And if he's not willing to understand your feelings on the issue, then he's being selfish and inconsiderate and insensitive to your feelings.

That is NOT a good quality in a man dear. A man who is not sensitive to the feelings of the woman he's with - is NEVER going to be sensitive to your feelings. If a man wants to be sexually involved with a woman, he needs to accept the fact that she's got her own feelings about the issue, and that women have complex feelings and they don't operate like a robot that uses only logic and no feelings.

He sounds as if he's a man that doesn't know a damn thing about women - nor does he care to form an understanding of them. He sounds as if he's a man that's simply focuses on HIS needs, HIS thoughts and HIS perspective on the issue. He's not taking YOU into consideration here at all.

That's not the type of man that's going to make for a good boyfriend, lover or husband dear. He's a selfish man that's disregarding your feelings and pushing to fulfill his own agenda here - which is sex. He's hinging everything on sex and that's not a good sign. He should like you as a person, as a woman and as a friend as well and he shouldn't solely be basing his decision about you on sex.

I think you need to remain in no contact and walk away from this one dear - because he's clearly not going to consider your feelings here and he seems ignorant to the ways of women and ignorant to your feelings.; May 31, 2013 at 12:32 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vee,
"He says things that I feel objectify women."

Not good dear, it signals insecurity and the fact that he's most likely emotionally unavailable (shut off emotionally).

You can proceed, but you need to remain in "observation" mode here. You need to closely watch his actions and DO NOT take him up on his invitations to pursue him (phone calls, texts, etc.) Because as you can see, regardless of whether or not men invite women to do this - the bottom line is, when the woman does what the man is asking - he ultimately loses interest in her and her value is decreased his his eyes (because she's too available to him and therefore, he becomes more apt to take the woman for granted).

Ignore those invitations from men to pursue. Men like that don't even realize that they're their own worst enemy. They invite the woman to do this (to make things easy on themselves because they are lazy and insecure and can't man up themselves enough to do it) and then when the woman "mans up" at the man's invitation - he loses interest.

And that's because these types of men don't even realize what they enjoy and what makes them happy when dating. And that is competition, challenge and curiosity - men actually enjoy that (it's similar to "sport" for them, and most men love sports because of competition and challenge). So when they invite the woman to do that, they effectively remove all of the fun of dating that woman for themselves. Then they lose interest in the woman - AND THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY, LOL.

And the reason why is because of their own actions, laziness, insecurity and inability to "man up" and enjoy the ride - to take on the challenge and shoot for a win.

"He followed again with another email inviting me to contact him if I wanted to get together again"

When a man does that, you toss that ball right back into his court. You respond with something like, "Sure, I'd love to get together again. Whenever you know which day and what you'd like to do, gimmie a call and we'll get together."

And that's it. After that, walk away. Don't try to push and don't pressure him and don't remind him and don't do a thing. You leave that ball lay in his court and you "challenge" him to "man up" - pick up the ball and run with it.

And he has absolutely NO EXCUSE NOT TO RUN WITH IT. Because you've given "green light" signals that if he does man up and do this - you're going to say yes and agree to go along. You've planted green lights by saying "Sure, I'd love to" - that's a "yes." And "gimmie a call and we'll get together." That's another "yes."

So at that point, he already KNOWS he won't be rejected and you have removed any and all excuses and/or fears - and you've freed him up to move forward, you've challenged him to man up and you've removed any and all excuses he could possibly use ;-); May 31, 2013 at 12:46 PM
JL said...: @Mirror Based on the above comment on May 30, 2013 at 3:48 AM, I'm the person who post the comment about that. I feel sad to hear that and I thought he was good man all the while.

Sorry to mention again. Before break up, he also fulfill my needs almost all the times. He even hold my hand in cinema while watching movie and hold my hand tight in public. We did kissing through tongue few times before.Yes, he also willing to kiss me in public but I was so easily distracted by public attention. His age is 30 years old and I was 23.

Almost everytime, I can imagine that he is having sexual intercourse with me but the truth is in reality we didn't do any sexual intercourse.
Got one time, I was in my bedroom and I feel the sex feeling very strong in that particular day. Then, I call him up to find out what's going on and he told me that I confused with sex and art of kissing. After that, he really fulfill of my that imagination and he thought that I want do sex with him but, actually I just want to figure out how come i got such sudden strong feel and I have such imagination when in relationship with him. That's why he mention to kiss my breast and then bring me to his house.

Until today after break up, everyday I still love him and miss him every moment. For sure, It is hard to forget about him. When the sweet memories remind me, I really feel like I lost this good person and make me wanna cry out. If I totally lost contact with him, it seem like I lost the only precious person in my life and I'm going to regret it soon. If I contact with him again, I really really afraid I will get hurt again. I really don't know what to do right now......; June 1, 2013 at 2:24 AM
Anonymous said...: @JL
You seem to be a very sensitive young girl. You are only 23, your boyfriend 30. At that age it´s quite a gap. I had a similar experience when I was your age and I felt very young and inexperienced with him. Finally, it didn´t lead anywhere as I felt dominated and controlled. Maybe you are the type of girl who needs either a young, nice boyfriend, who I think wouldn´t interest you so much but at the same time wouldn´t frighten you, or an intelligent, mature man who is really sensitive, understanding and kind-hearted. In my opinion it´s good for you that you didn´t have sex with him because considering the way he is, you would have been disappointed emotionally after that and now feel even worse than you do.; June 1, 2013 at 4:53 PM
Curious said...: I'm talking to someone. I can't say he's a HORRIBLE guy. But sometimes we'll talk and I'll ask a question mid-conversation and he'll stop responding. He says he falls asleep--which I DO believe, but I hate when he doesn't anything the next day. Then maybe a day or two later, I'll get a text from him.

One time I texted him early in the am and he didn't text me the entire day. Keep in mind, he had updated his facebook status a couple of hours later.So I didn't say anything. The next day around 3pm I asked if everything was okay. He said he was busy and was having issues in his personal life. So I told him it's alright. I'm not one to chase because it just doesn't look good. I mean couldn't he have taken a second just to text something or at least respond? I don't expect everyone to be like me, but I HATE when people do that.

He knows I some feelings for him and I know he has feelings for me, but he's very vague as if he's just waiting for the right person to come along--this makes me think I must not be "right" for him. Keep in mind, it's an assumption. Last time I brought it up to his attention back in February, he said he didn't want to move fast and wanted to be friends and see where things went. It WAS kind of early, BUT I needed to know his intentions because it was very confusing from the beginning. Should I just practice the law of scarcity?

Trust me. I've known him since January. The last thing I'm doing is "holding out" and "Waiting" for him. But I just get confused when he calls me beautiful and other names. He's a very sweet guy, so I wouldn't be surprised if it's in his nature.

He's not a bad guy, but what do you think I should do?; June 1, 2013 at 8:25 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Curious,
The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested is to see if he pursues you. And in order for him to pursue you, you have to pull back a bit. So yes, Law of Scarcity may answer that question for you.

As an aside however, the falling asleep thing during conversation - very odd dear. I realize folks get tired and all, but end the conversation, don't disrespect someone like that by falling asleep on them.

The only time I've ever seen this happen, during mid conversation with folks - is when they're on drugs - namely Heroin (or anything from the opiate family: Oxycodone, Subutex, Darvocet, Demerol, Lortab, Vicodin, Percocet). It's generally referred to as "nodding" - as in nodding off - and it'll happen in the blink of an eye, one minute they're talking, the next - zonked out - literally like two seconds later. And then a couple seconds after that, they're awake again. A few minutes later, they're nodding again. And this can go on repeatedly.

So just make sure that this individual doesn't have more going on here than meets the eye dear.; June 2, 2013 at 11:04 AM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Hopefulwithmen,

I’m here, been reading everyone’s comments and thinking A LOT about Ms. Mirror’s feedback/questions (probably too much thinking). ;)

Been trying to stay busy at home, and doing a good job of it. Staying busy helps.

No word from Scorpio since I declined his “playmate” offer on Wednesday. Part of me SO wants to give in to him, to contact him, for instant gratification purposes – it would be so easy, but I just keep telling myself to be strong and don’t limit myself to that type of relationship.

This wknd I’ve been fighting sadness (don’t know why) and thinking about the work involved with taking care of ourselves, for being responsible for our lives and our futures, and guiding our mind and heart thru disappointment in order to experience the life we want to share.

Yesterday, I rec’d a sign to not give up. While putting laundry on the line, I glanced around at my huge yard that needs mowing and the thought of a four-leaf clover entered my mind (don’t know why… it just popped in my head). While walking back to the house, I looked down at a patch of clover and TADA! there was one looking right at me. I smiled at the mssg, picked the clover, put it in an egg cup and took a pic of it - If we could post pics, I would. ;)

So, I’m hanging in there; and it sounds like you, LadyLeo and SistaTaurus are doing great! That’s the thing about life – it’s constantly changing and hopefully our efforts and intentions will provide us the peace and happiness we all deserve.

I start the new 4-mos job tomorrow, I am ready for it. No additional $, but no employees to manage either… (YAY! just responsible for myself and my own results) I’m looking forward to the change.

Keep on keeping on ladies with strength (your power) and love (your soul)! {lots of hugs}; June 2, 2013 at 1:08 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,

I have posted my last update 27th May.
I havent replied to the last message and havent heard from him either.

I am very confused as to why would he break up with me and then ask me what I wanted for my bday? That just doesnt make sense.
And when i didn't respond he seemed to have cut off the communication.
Was that just an attempt to get a reaction from me? Like a kid throwing toys out of a pram when doesnt get what he wants.
Am I right here or completely wrong?

Lian; June 3, 2013 at 2:05 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Curious,

What time is he stopping conversation and falling asleep, if your texting late and he has a busy work life it could be normal?; June 3, 2013 at 6:00 AM
Curious said...: I try not to text too late. He does have a part-time job that can be stressful. He goes to school part-time but is out for the summer. Despite having a big trust fund (that he doesn't touch), I admire his work ethic. Again despite the stressful job, he does get some leisure and downtime.

But I just find it odd if someone has time to update a Facebook status, but not respond to a text especially when I've asked a question. I only bring this up because it's happened on numerous occasions. When he went the entire day and a half without responding to my text (which was part of a conversation), I got a little confused. I tried not to be offended. But then I asked, "Are you okay?" and I still got no response. So the next day, I asked if I had something or did something wrong, he assured me was just emotionally drained.

I guess I was a little offended when I saw he had made the effort to update his Facebook status during that same period. But then I guess it is normal for some people to go into "seclusion" when they are going through things. But the last time we talked, he was planning on meeting up with a friend later on that evening and of course our conversation ended (because he stopped responding), which was on Friday night. During that conversation, he told me that day he was feeling really good and centered and we were talking about spirituality. He's very spiritual like myself. Keep in mind, I'm on the East coast until the end of the month and he's on the West coast. So I'm three hours ahead of him.

He sent me a text Sunday night telling me to watch a youtube video. It was a religious skit. I never responded.

I don't plan on initiating contact next time. Don't get me wrong. He's not a bad guy at all, BUT I just think he has other priorities.

I like for men to show me they are attracted to me. I don't like hot and cold behavior. I've done my share of chasing in the past, but I've graduated from that lol.

I can be super analytical, but my intuition is telling me not to put in anymore work than I need to.

Maybe the time is not now.; June 4, 2013 at 2:15 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi June 4, 2013 at 2:15 AM,
I know how you feel hun. Yes I would wait now for him to initiate and let him do the work, it will make him realise that he does like you, hopefully. Cause sometimes if you're the one doing the contacting then yeah they go along with it but I don't think it does anything to make them realise that they like you and stops them from pursing you.

I think he will contact you, so take it from there and don't panic.
I'm going through a right shit waiting period - a lot longer than yours, I know I can't do anything and he always gets back in touch with me but it's never easy at the time. Only time will reveal for me how it's going to go as I really can't predict.; June 4, 2013 at 1:33 PM
babs said...: I wish I had this informaton 20 years ago!! I could've saved myself a whole lot of pain. Wonderful site. Here's my situation. I fell into infatuation with a man about 5 years ago. He worked in my building on a 6 month project so I saw him almost everyday. He was quite obviously attracted, but it was me who finally asked him in for a beer. We got together one night and it got out of hand. Went too far. We saw each other a couple of times after that, but it was more me pursuing him, and trust me....it doesn't work! Granted, at the time he had just ended a 20 year marriage two months previously, but still....it backfired big time. He responded, but he never took the initiative. He left after the project was over and never called me again and I felt like crap. It took me a long time to get over him too. Just for info....he's got Sun, Moon, Merc, Venus and Mars in Gemini plus a Gemini rising. That's a challenge all by itself. So, fast forward 5 years...he's in the building beside me now doing another 6 month project, so I see him walking in front of my building every single day. Eventually, one day, we literally bumped right into each other. He's still attractive, and he seemed interested. So, I gave him my number and we've texted last Fri and again on Wed. His initiation both times. However, he seems to be really pushing the sex thing. He's talking about how attracted he is to me and how he can't be held responsible for his actions if I open the door to him. Or, he'll take off his shirt if I take off mine. Stuff like that. I started to get uncomfortable with what he was saying. He said I need to 'let my hair down'....code for sex. He said I'm a tough nut to crack and I need to ease up. He even mentioned sexting in the first couple of texts and how addicting it was. Why is he pushing so hard? I'm thinking he must be the narcissistic brand of man who just wants what he wants, regardless of what I want or how I feel. The other odd thing is that he asked if I was embarrassed by what happened that fated nite 5 years ago, and I said that I had been. He apologized and said he was sorry if ever felt/feel that way. He then goes on to say that he would do it again in a heartbeat! I think the apology was insincere. So, I was forced to set a boundary. I said that although I enjoyed his company, I am not interested in 'letting my hair down' so soon. He then sort of backtracked a bit and said that I was an attractive lady and a guy's gotta try. Really? Do they? At one point he said 'nice ass.' I don't know, but that felt funny to me. I think he's objectifying me. He then thanked me for laying down the ground rules. I think he was just trying to appease me and leave the door open at that point. I'm wondering if I'll ever hear from him again. I guess I'm still gathering info as to what he's really like. So far, its not good. I was hoping that he was like that last time due to his separation, but maybe he's just 'like that.' If he does initiate another text, I'm going to wait to respond. No contact for how long??? I've never done no contact before. I want to make him think about me for a change...and to see if he changes his tune and becomes respectful!; June 6, 2013 at 10:08 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Babs,
"Why is he pushing so hard?"

Imagine it like this, he's on the football field, he's got the ball in his hand, and he's running for a touchdown, barreling his way through any obstacles encountered with speed and force (hoping to score before you have enough time to realize what's happening).

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/05/predator-or-prey-dating.html

"I'm thinking he must be the narcissistic brand of man who just wants what he wants, regardless of what I want or how I feel."

Absolutely dear - it's a game and you're the prize - he's a player.

"He apologized and said he was sorry if ever felt/feel that way. He then goes on to say that he would do it again in a heartbeat! I think the apology was insincere."

Translation: It's unfortunate that you felt that way, but I'm NOT sorry enough to not do it again to you.

"Really? Do they?"

Players do, from day one and right up front (but they move on just as quick once they've gotten what they were after or once they realize it's not going to happen):

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/05/what-is-the-game-pick-up-artist.html

"I think he's objectifying me"

That's the name of the game dear :-(

"So far, its not good."

No, not at all.

"I was hoping that he was like that last time due to his separation, but maybe he's just 'like that.'"

I imagine THAT was the entire reason he was even separated in the first place.

"No contact for how long???"

I'd probably use 30 days on this one (but then again, I'd probably use it permanently with this one, LOL) - but you can try a week at first and see how that goes.

But don't be surprised if this one bolts on you dear. Players DO NOT WORK for things. They like hard, fast, easy scores - and then they beat feet and move away from the scene of the crime with a quickness. If he thinks he's not going to score quickly here and/or that it isn't going to be easy - he's going to move along to easier prey.

And if that's the case, I'd thank my lucky stars and be very proud of myself for filtering him out this time around :-); June 7, 2013 at 8:50 AM
Unknown said...: Thanks for answering so quickly! A permanent no contact...LOL. I'll do it for a week, if even contacts me again...and then see if I can push it even longer. Hopefully as time goes on it'll be easier. Unfortunately I see the dude everyday outside my window. The Universe is not making it easy, that's for sure. Thanks again for your insight and your generosity in sharing it! I will keep you posted.; June 7, 2013 at 11:17 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi there--my best friend introduced me to your articles saying they might be helpful to explaining a situation I'm currently facing. I'm a guy dealing with another buy, BTW so it's even more complicated.

The basic story is we had a very intense hookup not like any other I had ever experienced. Very intense. The next day he acted like nothing had happened when I ran into him at the conference we were attending. I followed up with two, not desperate texts, and no reply. He's younger but out of a crowd of hotties, he picked me. Any insights into how someone could be so intense one day and aloof the next? Thanks in advance!; June 7, 2013 at 11:20 AM
Unknown said...: Wanted to comment on the astrology of some of these narcissistic player men. I've known a few, and all of them have zero water planets in their chart. None. Zilcho. Water is empathy among other things, so they really don't care how the other person feels. On top of that, most of their planets are on the eastern hemisphere of the chart...the Asc side, which is more self involved, as opposed to the side more concerned with 'others'. This last man I talked about has every single planet on the Asc side of his chart, AND not one single water sign planet. The other narcissistic player I knew had zero water planets, but they were more spaced out throughout the chart. Still, something to consider if you're checking out the chart of the guy. It's an interesting study. I do remember another man back in the day....a major player, and as I check his chart out now I see he has zero water planets as well. Fascinating.; June 7, 2013 at 11:33 AM
Anonymous said...: @ Babs

Stay strong and don't let him turn you into his "6 month project fuck buddy." This one sounds like he is trouble and is looking for quick/easy sex but maybe he will have an epiphany once he realizes you're not on board.

Best Wishes!; June 7, 2013 at 11:47 AM
Anonymous said...: @Barb

Actually, not necessarily. I was involved with 5 men in the past year (some were insecure, some were narcissistic, some were a mix) - and ALL had their Mars in a water sign.

Three had their Mars in Cancer. These were the type that exuded feminine energy and who would always tell me to "call them when I want to" or "text them" - and when I never did (I'm a MOA student, after all!), they did cave in and contact me. But I lost a lot of respect for them as men.

Two had their Mars in Scorpio. Sexiest men I've encountered in my life, but were extremely controlling (in a passive way), and were very good at ignoring emails/texts if they didn't like what I was saying.

Let me tell you... water planets does not make a guy any better at being empathetic and caring.

What I have found is that if a guy lacks a lot of earth in their chart, they're more likely to be emotionally insecure which drives them to act like players to compensate.

I have found men whose sun sign are in Pisces or Cancer tend to be more sensitive, caring, and empathetic though.

I now prefer to date men who have a good mix of earth and fire signs in their chart. Also avoiding Libras for the rest of my life, LOL.

- Vivian; June 7, 2013 at 7:41 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Annonymous Male, Jun 7, 6:17 PM,
"Any insights into how someone could be so intense one day and aloof the next?"

That's the sign of a player my friend. That intensity was necessary to reach the end goal - sex. Once that end goal was achieved, the intensity is no longer necessary.

I always consider it to be a red flag when a man comes on strong, fast and immediately. It's the quick "get in, get out" method that's akin to a hit and run. Players want sex, they don't want extended relationships. So they will sever ties immediately and disappear as a result.

My suggestion would be to take it for what it was worth, learn from it, brush yourself off and move on as best you can :-); June 8, 2013 at 10:51 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi, Mirror
I just found your site and I'm just applying you no contact rule with a guy I date. The thing is he lives in another country and he pulls a disappearing act on me for 10 days, and he resurfaced and texted me that he misses me. I think it's a lame attempt. So I start disappearing on him for 5 days now (after he texted me). I really miss him and like him a lot. I'm not quite sure this is gonna make him pay attention to me or he will be gone for good, but I give it a try. I had dated this type of person for all my life and I wanna change my reaction to them. I'll let you know if it works, Thank you :); June 9, 2013 at 8:52 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Aphrodite - from Wondering Woman
I am amazed at what an intelligent instinctive person you are!!!
I would very much appreciate your magic insight:
We are both married to other people. We have been in close contact for 7 months. He hit on me and chased me for a few months and I gave in after 6 weeks. Said his wife bores him. He is a real game player and I realized from the start that this would be a bit of a game but I went into it knowingly, against my natural instincts and do not have affairs as a way of life at all!!! He thinks the world of himself and is generally a condescending person and a control freak. At the beginning he was all over me texting, asking to see me all the time, saying he was crazy about me etc etc. Once I got into it he started pulling away and I became more the chaser. But he always complied. I always went to HIS office and met him on his terms. We defined ourselves as "brother and sister" of course since neither one of us wanted to leave our spouses and it was never discussed. Lately he became far more active and even bought me a bracelet where after I bought him a bracelet too. He would generally refrain from texting on weekends but a month ago after a great date we had (no sex just eating out and he asked if I would accompany him abroad on a business trip) he gave me a nickname and texted me all weekend. He would sometimes text me weekends and sometimes not. I felt awful when he did not. Generally I could see his reaction to me was strong and his attraction to me was as well. He always said that he loved my mind and thought I was brilliant. When I was abroad on business he was texting me and calling me every day, more so then when we live in the same city. He was suddenly perturbed that a business associate was calling me often and would question me about it lately a lot. But every time I used to get FAINTLY mushy in texts he would pull away. At the beginning when he chased me and was hard to get he wrote "you know I love you and you treat me terribly" that was only at the very beginning a. He soon started to disappear, not answer texts on purpose. It was clear that he was playing me - that I am sure of this as if he read a text book about it. He loved the control but was also fascinated by me and was enjoying the attention. The last few weeks were confusing and rocky - He said yes when I proposed we meet up physically (after being fully intimate twice and it being a good experience for both but he was not "loving" so to speak - he is real asshole - I know I just fell for his games. Two weeks ago I proposed we meet up the next day , he said yes but he did not get back to me - I became super angry and told him off – thereafter he called twice I did not answer - after another 2 texts and a phone call the next day I answered and he was angry how I did not understand how busy he was and did not understand why I made such a big deal out of it!. After that I went on holiday and he texted me - I did not initiate and since then his communication was better but still not as I wanted it to be since I did most of the going to him, the texting and proposing a physical date etc. I asked him a week ago why he did not initiate physical meetings he said “I; June 9, 2013 at 2:39 PM
Anonymous said...: cont ..don’t want you to think I am using you” and then laughed – I told him if you think that way then you feel that way and if you do not have sincere feelings then lets all it quits because you are wasting my time even within this context of a relationship”. – he answered “I was only joking really forget it”. End of the story is 10 days ago (things were more balanced if I called him he would get back to me, text me even get back a second time if I did not answer)I decided to talk to him about my feeling he was not initiating (even with the limited context of what we can do together there was no extra effort) since I saw him coming more forward slowly and I felt more equal: I began by telling him maybe we should take a break , I told him what I wanted: that I want him to be more proactive since I cannot carry this relationship all by myself and don't wish to. Just to be more communicative, to initiate things etc. that instead of being interested in who is calling me he should put more into the relationship and that maybe it came from lack of confidence. He answered by telling that he can only give what he can and no more even though he knows he needs it in general! Said that he does not want to be hiding the phone all the time at weekends (it did not bother him at the beginning and he certainly did it in practice lately!!!) and that I deserve someone who will give it to me. I KNOW that he is a huge control freak. I know and SAW that he has feelings for me and loves my mind and body. He is also very scemy and lies when it suits him. I feel that he played me like a violin. I the said OK so we are done and I admit I cried. He said "you are so cute crying - I cant believe it I thought you were so tough - underneath there is a huge huge heart" I was shocked. I told him thank you for being honest and that if we ended it he might not see me again and kissed him goodbye politely. I left him in the office stunned. I then called him an hour later and we met up since before hand it was rushed and pressured in the office - he tried the physical I was not respondent - I told him I don't believe what he said - he answered that some of it was true. Clearly this was going nowhere - I said to him " what the hell did I ask you to do? just to be more communicative and initiate more - I did not ask you to leave home! He did not say ok all he said was "stop bullshitting my brain" along the lines of "I don't want to hear that shit anymore" boy was I hurt. I said to him that night if we break up I don't want him to contact me. He said NO! I wont let you . I made him promise he would not contact me for a while if I chose to go. I asked him what now? He said I will be to you whatever you want: your friend, your brother your uncle whatever you decide its your decision – but it was very condescending and controlling. I felt I got nowhere, I felt weak. Basically I went away feeling like shit like he did not agree or respect my wishes and just told me to shut up. He was to be leaving abroad for three weeks (he had invited me once again to come and meet him there but I could not) in a few days after that. He said at least you will have peace and quiet for a few weeks from me . Previously before the argument we had arranged to meet up two days later for a physical goodbye. The next day I called him and said to him that I was prepared to give us a last chance since we have fun together etc and that I wanted an answer by the end of the day since I need to either say goodbye or we try one last time. He said “again with your goodbyes” – he never thought based on experience in the; June 9, 2013 at 2:39 PM
Anonymous said...: contpast that I would live up to it. He did not get back to me the whole day. that evening I called and he answered in the middle of a meeting and said he would get back. An hour later no answer. I was very hurt . I kind of flipped. I texted him saying that the minimum I deserved was an answer like a normal human being and I was making an effort to give it a last chance while he did not care. I finished saying I had thought we had had a special friendship. I called again he did not answer I wrote him "get back to me" He texted me half hour later with "I am around people and then a ?" I did not answer. half hour later he writes "Just brother and sister". Since then nothing. I have done NC now for 11 days. I did not answer him at all to the text. He left to fly abroad after 3 days and will back in another 10 days. We had heated arguments before and he has also written and texted at times to get back to him etc. including heated sms when I did not answer. I admit that he got me really desperate by ignoring me flat out. It felt abusive. But the minute he wrote what he wrote I just left it. I just could not take the half assed efforts anymore and wanted him to be more active and romantic. I had thought the time was ready to expect this. I know he is a super player and control freak. Truth is I have known all along that he is bad news. He used bad language as a turn on etc and had a bit of a sick mind. Here is my question : I feel good with the no contact it has been 11 days I feel less obsessive and that I am getting a clear perspective.some day I don’t care if he calls some days I care a lot. At the same time do you think he will contact me ever??? He is very not used to me not contacting him, since I always did when he was silent and I am sure he is surprised. If he does not, it is for the good since I need out of this sick relationship and as the days go by I realize it was a fantasy in my mind. If he does contact me I wish to teach him a lesson. Is it too late? Please help me!! will NC work here? This is the longest we have not spoken ever and we enjoyed very very good conversations and closeness etc. thank you - wondering woman; June 9, 2013 at 2:40 PM
Anonymous said...: from wondering woman:
any insight from all of you great posters would be much appreciated. Why do I feel guilty? As if I asked for too much? I recognized sayings here that he also used to say: always call me later, text me etc - always asking ME to be the instigator....what a piece of work. I don't know I just feel so dumped and wish I could get a chance to get my ego back and say NO!! Please help ! Is there a chance he will try and contact me?; June 10, 2013 at 1:12 AM
Lady Leo said...: Wondering woman:

Im sorry but I stopped reading after your first sentence saying you're both married.

Do you understand how toxic and unhealthy ANY extra-marital relationship you will have is? It will NEVER be fulfilling. He will NEVER see you or the relationship as anything serious. The most significant advice I could offer is to enter therapy to find out WHY you seek the outside attention and WHY with a married (unavailable) man.

I've been there, and done this. It was misery. I wish you the best!; June 10, 2013 at 9:39 AM
Mltn said...: @ Wondering Woman

A few observations. First, you need to identify for yourself what you're looking for from this man. Unlike Mirror, I do think it is possible to have a "no expectations, sex only" relationship for both men and women, but only if that's truly what you're both looking for.

But it sounds like that's all this is or can be - no expectations casual sex. Because that's what he's told you he wants, and you need to hear him on that. And so you can't invest more emotions into the situation than that.

It sounds like he wants no-strings, and you have an emotional investment. And that's never going to work. You WILL get hurt. And your emotions are bleeding all over the place here, and he has no interest in taking care of your emotions because you've agreed to a "relationship" that doesn't require him to care about your emotions, just the sex.

This is even less than the "casual dating" scenario that Mirror talks about - this guy very clearly owes you NOTHING at all. This is a dead-end situation that will last only so long as you are both getting your physical needs met, and will end without notice or compassion when one of you is done. That's what a no-strings affair is. He has no obligation to you, and no expectations of taking care of you or making you feel good in any way but the physical.

If you are truly okay with no-expectations, no romance, no feelings sex, then you need to communicate very clearly about the boundaries of that. When and how it's okay to communicate with each other. How much advance notice you need to plan things. If every encounter is going to be physical, or if you'll spend time together doing other things (and, warning, if you want to have candlelit dinners, you're in an emotional place, not a no-strings place).

The reason this isn't going to work is because you have illusions about this being love, you have feelings for him, and he has no interest in that. He might like you, but he does not love you, and he won't.

In my observation, too, from having seen women in affairs, the problem seems to be this. Any time you have an affair, you may get caught. Statistically, though, women who get caught cheating tend to get divorced (either because they were cheating "on their way out," or because the husband won't forgive her). Men stay with their wives, ALMOST ALWAYS. Even men who get caught talk their way into staying in their marriages. So a woman who is cheating thinks that this guy is risking getting caught, and that must mean that he has made the conscious decision that being with her is worth messing up his life and losing his marriage - that she's a priority. But that's not the case. Most men get away with cheating. He's not really risking anything. And he has not made the conscious decision to "risk it all" for his affair partner.

All I hear from your comment is that you have feelings for him, and he very clearly does not have loving feelings for you. He may come back for sex, but you will always feel powerless and hurt because of the inequality of you having and wanting feelings, and him not wanting that.; June 10, 2013 at 3:15 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Wondering Woman,
Mltn makes some useful points and I thank her for doing so as I'm sure her words will help you, however, I tend to agree with Lady Leo here.

The issue isn't this man or HIS actions, it's YOU - and you're creating some seriously negative karma for yourself here dear - karma that will circle around and sneak up on you 3 fold in it's message and intensity :-( And you need to get to the bottom of it, not him.

I'm not being judgmental, however, I simply do not address comments seeking advise on cheating. I try to do everything for the good of all and the harm to none as best I can and this is simply an area where that will not apply.

I would say to you the same as I've said to other women that have sought advice surrounding the issue of affairs and cheating and that is - if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you. Translation: It's a karmic loop.

It's to be expected that these things generally end the way they began - NEFARIOUSLY. And the definition of nefarious is:

"Infamous by way of being extremely wicked."

To you and all other women reading - avoid situations such as this like the plague.; June 10, 2013 at 4:01 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Wondering Woman,

“Why do I feel guilty?” Because you should. There are so many reasons, but none I think you realize yet. You are focused on his interpretation of your expectations, when the guilt is most likely coming from your soul’s awareness that what you are doing is just wrong. I am not referring to society’s view of marriage, but rather your soul’s awareness that you are involved in a relationship full of lies and deceit which can only bring pain to others. Good reason for guilt.

The boyfriend has not done this to you; you have done this to you. The good news is: you can fix you. The bad news is: it ain’t going to be easy.

Address the problems in your marriage that would lead you to want another man in your life. If you are no longer in love with your husband and do not/cannot be with him, then end it. If not for you, then do it for your husband.

I could give many reasons why I stayed 7 yrs too long in a 15-yr live-in relationship with a man, but I won’t bore everyone – the reasons all had to do with fear. I’ll ask a tough question for you to answer to yourself though: Why are you staying in your marriage?

Whatever the reason, it isn’t good enough to live a life full of lies. Do you understand what that does to your soul? It stunts you. You aren’t smarter than karma, it will, and apparently it is, coming back to you.

The next time the boyfriend contacts you, respond one time that you will not see him again until you get your life in order. And DON’T CONTACT HIM until it is. BLOCK HIM FROM YOUR CELLPHONE AND DO NOT RESPOND TO HIS MSSGS until it is.

Put on your big-girl panties, and woman-up to clean up the crap you have been involved in. Once you begin, you are going to see life in a whole new light.

By now, you probably understand we don’t pull punches here on Ms. Mirror’s site. You’ve got a long road ahead of you dear. Good luck. If you decide to walk the path of self-discovery and discipline, I hope you will continue to share your experiences. We’ll be here. ;); June 10, 2013 at 7:45 PM
Anonymous said...: from Wondering Woman:
All I can say is THANK YOU THANK THANK YOU.
Lady Leo, Mltn and Mirror: this was a harsh but neccesary slap of reality to the face. The first time after all of my suffering and misery do I finally see the situation as it is. I made a huge mistake getting into this and I need my mental stability back. Yes ladies - run from this like the plague. I finally slept well last night after reading your answers and got a grip on what actually went on. Thank you so much. You have no idea how much this helped. Yes finally I realize he really does not love me and will not love me and I was refusing to see the signs that were blatently on the wall. I have never had an affair before and dont intend to ever again. I was so miserable and my family does not deserve this. I have a loving husband and I will do all I can to get back real. It is difficult though since for 7 months I had been in this turmoil totally unfocused. But at least I have more peace and quiet now. You are all incredible and please know that you have done a great deed here with your clear , uncomprimising and sharp observation of this situation which I was unable to see or recognise up untill your posts.; June 11, 2013 at 3:21 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Wondering Woman,
I'm glad that you feel free of this situation now and I'm happy for you that clarity has returned.

Focus on yourself, your husband and your family. Consider opening up the lines of communication between you and your husband once again.

I imagine he may have missed you - and you him :-); June 11, 2013 at 8:39 AM
Lovingme said...: Hi Mirror! How are you? I hope all is well.

You're going to kill me!!! Lol...I've broken the rules & decided to "tap" the guy I've been talking about. I actually did it because I was honestly concerned about him. The last time we'd spoken, he told me he had pneumonia, & I just wanted to see if he was ok.

I was also receiving signs (maybe they weren't that significant) but I pay attention to them. I kept hearing & seeing his name on television, his name is common, but in the short period of time I saw it, was like a message to me. Also, I wanted to see if he would bite...lol.

He did. I messaged him on fb, just a general what's up. He responded right away. He tells me about his new job, I tell him what's happening with me...small talk. Then I get bold again! Not drunk this time. I asked him to hang out (I know! Bad!) I wanted to see what his reaction would be & what he would say, just testing a little. Wanted to see if he'd ignore me.

Afterwards, he asked for my #, IDK if he really didn't have it, because he changed his # again & he also deleted his fb for a while before he re-activated it...I gave it to him. He called right away, & we chatted. He said we would go out to eat & he'd call me back.

Welp, of course you know he didn't, said he "fell asleep". I did too though, so it really didn't matter, however I don't believe he fell asleep, I just believe he didn't want to go. Me & my masculine energy...smh.

I felt a little sad about it, but not too much. I got his new # when he called me, but I deleted it out of my phone & also put him on a restricted list on fb, so that I will not contact him again. I was just reaching out, but that's it. I think he would initially like a date when he is ready...I may not be by that time though, & by me asking him to hang out, made him lose interest a little. :( I knew this though, I'm a glutton for punishment or something...jeez.

Again I really was genuinely concerned & I wanted to put him to the test. Whenever he "decides" to contact me, I won't bite. ;) I'm trying to be done with this entire thing, but sometimes I just get the urge to contact him every once in while. IDK, I need a new man like yesterday, if I did, I wouldn't have the urge...smh. *just venting*; June 12, 2013 at 8:41 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Aphrodite, I'm really confused with this Taurus guy that I'm seeing and I need help. As a background, I met him last year at a friend's party but we didn't hang out till the beginning of this year. We've been on 4 dates and he kissed me on our second date. Even though I like him a lot, I know he doesn't want a relationship and I never told him that I want to be with him. Problem is, 2 days ago, he randomly texted me asking me if I was "clean" and that he thought he may have caught something from kissing me. I was so appalled that he even asked me that given we haven't really done much and the next day he just texted me saying he didn't mean to offend me and that he knows that I didn't pass anything on to him. I'm still super upset and I don't know if I should respond to any of his messages. He wants to hang out this weekend. Should I just let it go since he didn't mean to offend me? Or should I wait for him to actually say sorry since he didn't even apologize for making that assumption? I really like him but he seems to be so ignorant at times!
-Thank you,
Totally Lost; June 13, 2013 at 12:30 PM
Lovingme said...: Well I'll be damned. Just so happens he calls me today to spend some time with me before work. I tell ya, that one he's full of surprises. I didn't think he'd call this soon, but I'm not gung ho about it.

I told him no, & that today isn't good, he asked what I was doing & I just told I'm shopping & running around. He's like ok then, then I lost the freaking connection. I texted him to call me tomorrow. Do think I handled that ok?; June 13, 2013 at 5:10 PM
Anonymous said...: I don't know if this is news to anyone, but apparently, men DO count the # of days you don't respond!

Okay, maybe that's not some major insight, but it is to me.

Recently, I've had:

1) One guy on Okcupid ask me, "Do you usually take a month to message people back?"

2) Another guy on Okcupid ask me, "It's been 2 weeks...where did you go?"

3) An ex who asked me today, "I'm just wondering, is there a reason why you usually take a week to respond?"

That made me scratch my head. I had no idea he was even keeping track of my response times; I just respond when I feel like it. I certainly wasn't keeping tracking of his.

So, there you go... men DO notice absences/disappearances and they hear it loud and clear.

Those currently in NC... have confidence and stick to it. ;-)

- Vivian; June 13, 2013 at 5:51 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello,

First of all thank you very much for those amazing articles:}
sigh i dont even know where to start.
I dated a close friend for 2 years,it wasnt so serious in the beginning,he cheated on me when he travelled and i had a feeling,the moment he came back i asked him,that was the first thing i asked"did you cheat on me?" he wouldnt answer and he started giving me excuses,i wasnt pissed off honestly,i was very calm and collected and i demanded an answer.well his answer was "yes,i think i love her" i was like ok how long?it was a week,you fall in love with a person in a freakin week?I DONT THINK SO!(i didnt say that ofc,all i said was ok)anyway,i broke up with him and told him that i wasnt pissed and that its for the best,we went back to being friends(deep inside i really ended it,see i wouldnt make a person my priority when to them im just an option:)
he called everyday after it for a week and tried convincing me that he was sorry and was an ass and all that and he would never do it again,i was stupid enough to give him a second chance,I did.everything was great for about 3 months and then he was a bastard,he traveled and never calls,just texts and when he does its short and i have to keep the convo going,its like he was trying to pick a fight(i got the hint,he probably was cheating again or something and honestly i didnt care cause i know for sure that its his loss not mine)he broke up with me and i was ok with it,i moved on and i couldnt care less.a month later(we still talked but i kept it short and treated him like a friend,i still joked around etc. but i never initiated contact first.)he asked me out again and a whole load of BS came(i knew it was pure BS that time but i chose to give him his last chance.)we dated and he truely did change,he quit drinking,hanging around his ass friends and was perfect,we had no fights no problems, we both respected each other but then it got out of control,He became overly jealous,he didnt want me out with my guy friends(i dont have much of gf's) and then it got even further till it was no time with ur family and thats where i couldnt take it,i gave up all that cause i was inlove with him and i wanted inner peace but i surely am not the type of girl that would be bossed around and controlled.so i stood up and said NO,thats where it all started going bad,he became so clingy and bad tempered and we fought often.As a result,my temper got worse,i was so frustrated and i had enough so i broke up with him(that went on for about 8 months)it kept increasing throughout the 8 months.Anyway,as i said i broke up with him and ummm it was 3 times in a row(i just couldn't take it,he was controlling me,i lost everybody,all my friends,my life and it wasn't enough for him and he always complained that i didn't spend enough time with him,although i used to spend hours with him EVERY SINGLE DAY.the last time i broke up with him it was final,i love him yes but i love myself more.I had no contact with him for 2 -3 weeks and then i was stupid enough to call him,I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I DID THAT!!i guess i just thought he would change and missed the good times,i didnt want him out of my life(he was my best friend!we had so much together)and i still loved him.Well,i called him:D we talked and he didnt expect the call etc. he didnt want a relationship and said he wasnt ready and still hurt all the BS (for some reason throughout the relationship whenever we fought it was always my fault to him)so we agreed that he needs time etc and when he's ready we'll get there.
TO BE CONTINUED
MH D; June 14, 2013 at 3:24 AM
Anonymous said...: CONTINUED BY MD H

I was his freakin doormat for a year and 3 months:D(i guess that shows how much i had patience with that guy)(im not like that really,i never did that with anybody,i was always known for my strong personality and how i simply dont care!but i have no idea y this guy was different.0well after the year and 3 months i had enough.(its about time!)and i simply left him there after our last discussion he was super rude and i had enough honestly and felt so sorry for myself(i remember staying up all night feeling sorry for myself and i was shocked honestly!how the hell did i ever let anybody treat me in such a way?who am i?i didnt even recognize myself!and i decided that this was finale and its just not me.after that night i didnt talk to him at all,3 days later he talked to me and for 2 weeks he initiated contact everyday and i replied back in a 1 sentence answer.(just enough to answer the question)ofc he was shocked cause he's not used to that,he's used to me spoiling him and being very nice and all that so he asked what the problem was?and why is it that im not talking nor asking etc.all i said was nothing and that i was just busy.I was then back home(see i study abroad and umm i only studied abroad since last september)(the 1 year and 3 months ended this may)anyway when i was back home he asked to see me since day 1 and all i said was soon and that i had things and all that(i didnt want to see him yet cause he didnt deserve it!he's been such an ass to me for a year and 3 months!its either he changes and knows what he did wrong or he's never getting me back!)anyway 3 weeks passed since i came back and he asked almost everyday and my answer was the same and whenever we fought he goes like let me see u and we'll talk about this and sort it out(i know y he's using that excuse of seeing me to sort things out!cause 1. he misses me
2.he knows that when i see him i fall for whatever he says and i forgive him and he can also see my reaction whenever he says anything.
3.he's playing MIND GAMES!

well see what happened
i told him that he'll see me soon,a couple of days later i went shopping with a friend and had lunch.When i came back home i found texts from my ex so i replied back and the convo was normal.Anyway,i told him that i wanted to go shopping today and i know u dont like shopping with me so i went shopping with a friend and had lunch.
i got a cute dress:D
thats what i told him and his reply was"Thank you"
ME:"what for?"
HIM:"nothing,i gtg now"
ME:"again?
ok
i gtg too
tc"
(and i signed out)
HIM:"I've been begging to see you and you just decide that i dont like to shop with you"
"at least i would have seen you"
"im fucked up and i gtg anyways"
"dont worry"

I signed in about 2 hours later and all i said was "ok"
see that convo was on whatsapp

anyway,its been 2 weeks now since i started NC and he didnt talk to me nor did i,i want to know if you think NC is correct in my case and if not then what am i supposed to do i do?

he's confusing and i know he's a great guy and i know that his freakin friends are screwing his head and r trying to convince him that if he's a badass and treats me in such a way that i'll never leave him and im going to want him even more(i know i proved that by talking to him,such a stupid mistake:/)

i know he loves me,that i know for sure(im guessing he's doing all that cause he wants to see how far he can get away with it and cause he knows i'll always be there no matter what)

Im so sorry i know i gave you a whole freakin newspaper to read!im just confused and i have no idea what to do:/
i would really appreciate it if you advise me:)

im a sagi and he's an aries

Thank you:)

MD H; June 14, 2013 at 3:25 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @MD H,
No contact is the ONLY way to go with this one dear. No contact, no response - 30 days.

And if I were you - I'd extent that to a permanent no contact and toss the 30 days right out the window. He's a cheat and a liar and an insecure guy and he never deserved a second chance let alone a third.; June 14, 2013 at 3:42 PM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror of Aphrodite

Thank you so much for replying!!and im sorry i didnt contact him for 7 days NOT 14 days,well today is the 7th day and guess what?i already got a "hey" from him and i didnt respond,the thing is he can see if im online or not but i dont care,im not replying back for 30 days,and u're right he didnt deserve a second chance to begin with:),i never thought i would get to a point where i would not talk or ignore him for more than 3 days.I'll have no contact no response for 30 days and see what happens and see if i still want him after that to begin with.I'll let you know what happens then,thank you so much again!:D

MD H; June 14, 2013 at 6:15 PM
Anonymous said...: Does the no-contact rule still work when you have explicitly told someone why you are starting no contact? Bit of a long story here, I was involved with this guy briefly before we both went overseas (separately!) for about six months. We both have just over a month left until we are back home. We kept in touch while we've been away and it's always been nice to hear from him, recently it's become clear to me he was a few issues that still need sorting and I felt I was getting taken for granted by being used as an armchair therapist. After quite an intense conversation last week, I sent him an email stating that all these issues and negativity were too much for me and he should keep his distance until it is more sorted. It's been 7 days, heard nothing yet...I guess it's a good thing that he is honouring my wishes, but the question is how do I play things from here? I feel that there is unfinished business and I do want to see him again when we are back home. But I do sit tight and wait for him to contact me, or can I drop him a line after 30 days simply to ask what's up?; June 16, 2013 at 3:32 PM
Anonymous said...: Help, I started dating this cute man, He has a reputation dor being a player, he warned me of being divorced and trying to get his little daughter back from his ex wife who took her way from him. He said he liked me but no relationships because getting his daughter backnis his priority. I agreed because I am separating from my husband and running this new business. I also have a daughter I take care of.
So we dated and all the time I was strong not to accpet all his invitations, being a little hard to get. I even travelled a week to San Diego with my friends and as soon as I arrived he will be calling me. So we dated for one more week. He said he might leave back tomhis country because he has no papers to work here in Costa Rica, tjat he cant have a relationship. I said my priority is mydaughter. I even gave him a little gift fdom my trip and he totally freak-out. On me. I told himit was just a gift I gave to him as I did with other ffiends. He sai, YOU barely know me. We kept goin out, kissin, talkind and Ifel he liked me. He stared at me when I wasn't looking. She to stare at me in the eyes but happy. He warned me he had to go back home to get his papers ans willtake him 2 months to have it all solved. The next day he did my hair(he isna hairdresser ) for free and he has no stable job here in Costa rica, no money and did that for me. We had lunch together ans went o a hotel to have sex. Apparently he lives at a friends house. We took a cab and he got offnear the place he was staying at. He said he wanted me to call him as soon as the cab was taking me home safe. Last day I saw him, he left the next day to the US. He texted my after having sex, he wrote me as soon as he was in the US the next day. He was very sweet. He sent another message a few days later saying he missed me. I stupidly replied that two onthzs werd too long and he was gointo forget about me. No replies. I emailed him 10 days later asking how he was. He replied he ws ok but better if 8I were there. So I replied that I wss here for him, that I couldn't be there and be a burden for him, that distances are hard after having great tome together but I understood and respected what he was doing. he immediately responded, I anm comming back in three days, see you soon. I answeredhim saying it wa good news and the day I thjought he wasarriving, I wished hima nice trip back to Costa rica, no replies. Haven't heard from him in days. His friends haven't heard from him yet either. They say he is in a lot of troubke wiyh no job, no plave of his own to live, his divorce, daughter. They say he is vefy flirty with women. I don't know, I think he used me for sex and disappeared on me. He said the last day we saw each other that he was falling for me ans that I am a good person. I guess he was saying goodbye. He usded me right? Was only for tjd sex and company. I feel cheap. I was played by him right? No contact doesn't apply here either. What donyou think went into his mind. Was I just a one night stanc or fling?; June 17, 2013 at 12:54 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA, I found your site two days ago and immediately saw what I was doing wrong with this guy I've been seeing. I was usually the one who initiated contact and I never felt in control. He'd go off radar unexpectedly or not make an effort to see me. And when he pulled back I would lean in more-- I understand now why this was bad and never really worked! So I decided I was going to reframe things and completely stop initating. For two days now I haven't initiated any contact at all. Sunday he tried to start a text conversation and I ignored it. Monday afternoon he texted again wondering what I was up to. He NEVER does that. LOL! And today I got another text, a little longer, asking what was going on. I know this isn't technically NC, but it's the same principle. And it WORKS. This stuff is money. I have a totally different perspective on relationships now. Thank you!!
-Amy; June 18, 2013 at 4:56 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Amy,
You're very welcome dear, use it wisely ;-); June 18, 2013 at 5:11 PM
Anonymous said...: But why is it so hard? :( I find myself wanting to cave... mostly because I just feel bad confusing him, but also because I just miss him. And at this point he's probably barely noticed I'm gone. I was so strong yesterday but today it is just hard.
Amy; June 19, 2013 at 12:32 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Amy,
"I just feel bad confusing him"

Who says he's confused? Don't assume that because it seems to me like he understands perfectly how this works and he doesn't seem to have a problem using it himself:

"He'd go off radar unexpectedly"

"I find myself wanting to cave"

For what? Only to make yourself feel worse when he ignores you or doesn't respond or "goes off the radar" again? Don't risk that, maintain your stable ground. You'll feel even worse if you give in and it blows up in your face.

"at this point he's probably barely noticed I'm gone."

Exactly - which is why you STAY GONE until he does. That's the entire point dear ;-)

Take control of your anxieties. Don't give in to them and let them get the best of you because that's exactly what they'll do. It's simply anxiety and it will pass.

Instead, get active. Go for a walk, exercise, call a friend, meet a friend for lunch, go shopping, go get your nails or hair done. . .go burn off the anxiety in a HEALTHY way rather than give into it in an UNHEALTHY one that will only be self-defeating and damaging.

You can consciously control your anxiety and quiet your mind - you just need to attempt to do it is all :-); June 19, 2013 at 2:40 PM
bbt said...: @ Mirror. I loved your article. i d like to no how to handle no contact with new technologies like bbm and whatsapp where your ex can see when you're online, or your last seen, or your new pictures. all my friends and family communicates with me via whatsapp.
I fought with my ex whom i was on and off during 9 years . he recently proposed to me and ask me to marry him 3 times this last month but he is still seeing someone else i m sure.
so we fight badly and i ask him to leave me alone if he is playing he says he is serious but i know he is still with someone cause im rejecting him too . please tell me what to do
i love him so much; June 20, 2013 at 5:55 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @bbt,
"i d like to no how to handle no contact with new technologies like bbm and whatsapp where your ex can see when you're online, or your last seen, or your new pictures"

That's simple dear - delete him as a contact in those apps - problems solved ;-); June 20, 2013 at 9:45 AM
CrystalWaters said...: hi Mirror,

Is it me, or, after using NC after a break up...it seems the men come back but just once....it's like make or break the second time around if the two haven't spoken or communicated for at least five months, don't you think?

Also, I was wondering if men should have a site. LOL. When women get hurt is backing off because the women continue to invest too much, tolerate too much, love too much, reward bad behaviour with love and all that makes their partner makes the woman love the man more.

Surely, tables turned, all the effort on the man's part he puts in, has the same affect, if the woman is also in two minds so men get really hurt too and need a forum?!; June 21, 2013 at 3:29 PM
Anonymous said...: Are there "damage-control" techniques a woman can use AFTER she's come on too strong? I mean, you talk about no-contact as a way to get at to a guy after he hasn't been treating you right. But what about when the guy has retreated. So she ceases contact of any kind. Then he returns. Can she start from scratch? I mean, is this an opportunity for starting off on the right foot, after she blew it the first time? I mean, if she plays it really cool? Is there chance for a do-over then?; June 23, 2013 at 8:49 PM
Lovingme said...: Hi Mirror! I have good news!

My guy finally decided to stop the games & step it up. :-)

Apparently the NC for a while worked, along with the tap a few weeks ago. We were keeping in contact since then & we sort of moved in together.

He's been helping me out financially, keeping his word, & spending quality time with me. He goes to work & comes right home to be with me. I mean he did a total 180! I really see him making an effort to make me happy. It's cute too, when I'm not in bed he wakes up & "checks" for me, to see what I'm doing, we cook together, he comes in the bathroom when I put my make up on just to watch me, lol.

He met the rest of my family at a bbq yesterday & we went dancing after that. So far so good Mirror!; June 24, 2013 at 9:50 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Loving me,

I'm so pleased for you, I messaged you a while back so it's good to hear things are going well!

I'm going through a bad patch with mine and he's dissappeared again, I should be used to the no contact thing because I've been following Mirrors rules. It feels really hard this time and it's only been a week and I'm faltering so I thought I'd get on here and try and strengthen my resolve.

I've been getting a bit panicky and feeling a bit of grief whether he will contact me again but I know I can't contact him but it's so difficult.

What happened with you how long was your no contact before he stepped up?; June 24, 2013 at 4:55 PM
Anonymous said...: I was wondering - if I do the no-contact thing to a guy, doesn't that just give other women more of an opportunity with him?; June 24, 2013 at 10:32 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous June 24, 10:32PM,
If you're using no contact to see if the man is genuinely interested in you and not only "half interested" (i.e. seeking free and easy sex), and he takes off with another woman. . .then you have your answer - he's only half interested and not worth your time.; June 25, 2013 at 8:10 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,

Is it normal to feel like *** when you are really hoping a person you have cared about, trusted and believed in will turn the corner during no contact? Note that it is me who is 'hoping,' while realism is telling it 'ain't gonna happen.'

He did something ignorant which really hurt my feelings 2 weeks ago. Today is day 12 of no contact and I am just sad and disappointed. He called me last weekend (three days late and with no apology) and I sent it to voice mail. If he was to call me again, I don't even know what I'd say.

This is all new for me, you see. With my ex, I always tried to explain myself or try to sort out a solution (that clearly also got me nowhere either!).

Feelings don't seem to have any positive benefit to women these days. Any chance there will be a genetic mutation to get rid of them? :) I am sure that while we ponder and overthink, men aren't giving it an once of thought. Even during no contact, it is annoying to me that I am the one thinking and wondering what is in his head.

Is it possible that I have been bamboozled by another man who has strung me along for over a year and done a complete 180? I am NOT a happy camper right now.; June 28, 2013 at 6:42 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,
Thanks for much for the article! I felt better after reading it but I was still struggling about this man. We've been seeing each other for almost 3 months but we actually only saw each other 6 times in total. He was always proactive during the first few dates, he took me to concerts, his frds' bday party(i'm the only girl there), playing guitar for me by the lake..etc.He would ask me out every week during the very first month but I only agreed twice. We kissed on our second date and he texted right after telling me how wonderful I am. But things started to change after the 3rd date, when we had sex(but since it was my first time, so he was really careful and only let his tip in)we didn't see each other for 3 weeks after our first sex( well he was busy studying for like 12 hours)every day. He called me right after his exam though and asked me for dinner and played guitar for me. But I feel that things are really getting bad after our most recent date when we had sex again, but this time i was on my period, I told him that saying I couldn't do it, then he says he is on his period too(still not sure what this meant???) but in the end his tip was still in because I wasn't bleeding that much. He didn't text me afterwards even though I told him to text me when he got home when we kissed goodbye. I initiated the text a day later and he replied, then I asked him a question, he hasn't replied for a day. I'm getting agitated, i'm not sure if he is playing the no contact game or he is just losing interest on me?　I feel that i'm getting emotionally attached to him because I'm thinking about him constantly....he is really experience of dealing with relationships and he likes playing hard to get...I really regretted that I was being too active after our first sex because I asked him out a few times and deliberately gave him something to chase after. What shall I do right now? Just wait for a month? Do you think he is just playing with me or he is playing hard to get me? I'm so worried that he is never gonna reply my msg, making me feel that I am not good enough for me, or I did something wrong, such as i still gave him the impression that i wanted sex though i'm on my peirod...please gimme some advice!!!! i cant be thinking about him any more....; June 29, 2013 at 12:22 AM
Anonymous said...: So I'm "on a break", whatever that means, with my boyfriend who is a huge commitment phobe. We dated for 14 months. He began pulling away 2 months ago and would say things to belittle me, and he started pushing me away occasionally when I wanted affection. He would say things like "I don't care," and "I'm fine being alone, I don't really need anyone," ALL the time. And when he says anyone, he means he doesn't care about keeping relationships with friends too. He acted like he didn't care and stopped putting any effort into the relationship. This was a complete 180 from when we first started dating, so I was extremely confused. So finally I was fed up with getting nothing back and told him I wanted to be with him, but did he want to be with me? He responded with the usual "i don't care." I told him I deserved someone who cared and he told me maybe we need to take a break because I'm not giving you what you want right now. He gave me a hug/kiss when I left. It sucked. He gave me up, so in my mind, he still broke up with me.

So I started this no contact thing after casually texting him back and forth for only 3 days. Thinking he'd never text me again, four days later, he texts me...Casual at first, but then he started trying to sext me. WTH? I know he's not used to his ex girlfriends not constantly talking to him and wanting him...but for me, I'm either in a relationship with you and we can do all the sexual stuff, or we are friends (if we can be, it might be too hard.) I didn't give in to any of his attempts to sext me. If you want me back in your life you're going to have to do way better than that, esp bc you just told me you didn't care if I was with someone else. I know I won't hear from him for a while now.

You wanted to be alone? I'll let you be alone.

I'm just so confused, I love him, I wanted to marry him, but I have more respect for myself than that. Maybe talk to me, get to know me again, take me on a date?! He must be confused too, he clearly has no idea what he wants. If it keeps happening that he's only sexual when he texts me then I don't want to be with someone like that.

BUT ladies, the no contact thing must work because I thought I would never hear from him again. It kills them, especially if they are used to getting attention from women. Show them you are independent, and if you don't want me then fine, I'll be wonderful without you and I'll find someone who does care. But I think it's ok to respond to their texts just as long as you don't initiate a single one. Make them wait though, don't text/call them back right away...make them think you're busy doing something.

I love him/ I'm still a little confused, but he will either come running back to me or I will move on. Win Win situation. :)

Break ups suck. BUT be strong, it's okay to cry, but be strong... you will get through it and find someone who treats you right. (I'm struggling to believe this right now too because it just happened to me, but I just have to have faith he will either change or someone else will come into my life!); June 29, 2013 at 12:46 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous June 28, 6:42PM,
Yes, that's normal dear. We're all only human :-)

But here's an important point to think on when that happens - fantasy versus reality - emotion versus logic.

Many women are extremely successful in their careers but when it comes to their personal life and men and dating, they are not. And the reason for this is the decision making mindset their using to make decisions in either circumstance.

When women make business decisions and/or career decisions - they use logic. Logical decision making skills.

However, when many women make relationship decisions - they throw logic out the window and instead, use emotion. Emotional decision making skills.

That's the difference. So in an instance like this, where hope is over-riding logic, keep that in perspective. Use logic instead of emotion when making these decisions and reflecting on the issues at hand. Logic will serve you better here than emotion will. Emotion will keep you trapped in the illusion, the fantasy of "what might have been." While logic will lift the fog and liberate you from the illusion, showing you the reality and freeing you from the fantasy. Thus, granting you a bit of peace of mind.

"I always tried to explain myself or try to sort out a solution"

It's not your entire responsibility to make a relationship work dear. Many women make this mistake, so you're not alone there. You just need to realize that it takes two. And that when you see yourself carrying the burden of moving a relationship forward solely on your shoulders - it's time to step back a bit from it to gain clarity and to invite the man to do his half. It's a team effort.

"Any chance there will be a genetic mutation to get rid of them?"

You never know dear, LOL ;-) But I will say this, and it probably doesn't bode well for this particular topic, however, this is a physical evolutionary matter, not an internal emotional one.

Cont. . .; June 29, 2013 at 9:39 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: But women as a species - are generally NOT evolving as quickly as Mother Nature would have it - at least not physically, LOL. I don't know if this relates to internal evolution as a whole, as a species. However, I read a study that revealed that with modern health care now at the level it is combined with modern nutrition, women are now birthing bigger babies than ever before. Nine and ten pound babies are no longer unusual birth weights.

And have you noticed that there are more cesarean births now than natural? Yea, that's because of this issue. You see, while babies are now being born bigger and healthier than ever before - women have not physically adapted as a species to naturally birth them. Their hips and pelvic regions have not evolved to accommodate larger babies, so cesarean births are on the rise due to this. Women are not adapting and evolving quickly enough as a species to close the gap there.

But like I said, that's physical. And I do believe that education is the key to internal evolution. If more women educate themselves about men and modern dating, I believe they can close that gap much quicker and nimbly evolve to adapt to modern day reality.

"Even during no contact, it is annoying to me that I am the one thinking and wondering what is in his head."

You don't know this to be fact that YOU are the only one pondering dear. Women will freely share what's on their minds any day of the week, LOL. Men, however, will not. So just because it's not being vocalized doesn't mean it isn't taking place.

"Is it possible that I have been bamboozled by another man"

Yes, dear, anything is possible. But even if that's the case, you don't dwell on that aspect of it. Instead, you view it as a very valuable lesson in life - one that you'll never make again ;-)

And you take what you've learned from it and you sharpen your skills, educate yourself, develop self-preservation skills, develop "filtering" skills - and you hit the ground running the next time armed with all you need ;-); June 29, 2013 at 9:39 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous June 29, 12:22AM,
Well dear, you took a risk. Every interaction we make as women is a risk of sorts with men. We risk getting hurt. And in this case, that's what happened.

Rather than focus on him and try to figure out what he's feeling, thinking, etc. - focus on YOURSELF here. Don't continue to "give" emotionally to him when you're not equally receiving. Don't let him suck your energy away like that and don't invest in him on that level.

Forget all of the details. Don't rehash them seeking the answer. Because chances are, nothing that happened there had anything to do with this. Chances are, this man is simply who he is. And chances are that when you two had sex and you say things changed afterwards, it sounds as if it wasn't him that changed dear - but you.

"I initiated the text a day later and he replied, then I asked him a question. ."

"I was being too active after our first sex because I asked him out a few times"

Instead of you playing the feminine role (submissive) and allowing him to initiate as you had done in the early beginnings, instead, you began to take the lead and you attempted to control the relationship and kick it up a notch, playing the male role (masculine).

When women pursue men dear, it almost always backfires :-(

At this point, do not initiate any more contact and do not seek him out for an explanation. Instead, attempt to move forward as best you can. Become active to distract your mind and begin exercising (to reduce anxiety) and begin spending time out with friends, talking to girlfriends, shopping, improving your looks to increase your self-esteem if it helps, etc.

In otherwords, focus your energy right now on YOURSELF and not HIM. And remain silent towards him. This will help to give you peace of mind and to relieve anxiety and to detach emotionally from him. Do not hang onto him emotionally, but instead, attempt to mentally/emotionally release him.

It will be hard at first dear, but in the end, it's what's best :-); June 29, 2013 at 9:58 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous June 29, 12:46AM,
"he started trying to sext me. WTH?"

Very disrespectful, particularly after a break up and after his many displays of "I don't care." Big red flag of a player and a lazy man seeking free and easy sex (without lifting a finger for it).

"I know he's not used to his ex girlfriends not constantly talking to him and wanting him"

Whoa. Another BIG red flag dear - stringing exes along like that and carry them as "baggage" into future relationships. That signals an insecure man that needs LOTS of female attention to make him feel like a man. NOT a good sign at all.

"or we are friends (if we can be, it might be too hard.)"

That's not worth it and nine times out of ten, only ends up with one party secretly wanting more from the relationship and ending up disappointed and/or used.

"You wanted to be alone? I'll let you be alone."

Exactly dear. Poor treatment deserves consequences:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

"he clearly has no idea what he wants"

Hmm, I'm not sure about that one dear. I think he knows exactly what he wants, but the thing is, it isn't what YOU want. He wants "casual" and you want "relationship." Two very different things.

"I think it's ok to respond to their texts just as long as you don't initiate a single one"

Careful with that dear. The message you're sending there is one of, "It's okay to treat me bad. If you do, don't worry, I'll still be here. I'll still be available to you."

NOT a very good message to send. Men know exactly what that means and to them, it means that you're "hanging onto them" in a sense. That you're still there, available to them, even in the face of poor treatment. That is "rewarding" them for poor treatment (being available to them, hanging on as an "option" to them, showing them attention, etc.). When instead, they should be receiving consequences for improper treatment (no response, no attention, no availability).

If you continue to respond and continue to NOT show him severe consequences, he'll take you for a pushover and you'll get stuck in his trap - one of holding onto hope and always being available to him. This does NOTHING to motivate him to improve - because you're still there, so why should he work to improve himself?

The point of no contact is to stay away for a long enough period of time to initiate a psychological concept to kick in - one that compels him to actually THINK about what he's done.

If the woman is constantly available to him during this period - there is absolutely NOTHING for him to think about. There is nothing to jump start the psychological concept to kick in.

It's the "absence and end" that do the work here. If you're not absent and he's experiencing no real "end" - then the psychological concept won't ever kick in with him.

This one's not showing you much that positive dear. Instead, he's strongly signaling a desire for something "casual" and sexual in nature. As a result, I'd pull WAY back. I'd remain silent and I'd give him plenty of time (absence) to make him actually THINK about what he's done here and how he's treated you.

And if you do that, it will actually empower you and give you strength - you will feel in control and you will feel much more positive about your worth as a woman. Give it a try here and see what happens. It may turn out that once you do that and once you detach from him completely - you see him for who he truly is and - decide you really don't even want him anymore, LOL ;-); June 29, 2013 at 10:14 AM
CrystalWaters said...: Hi Mirror,

"Careful with that dear. The message you're sending there is one of, "It's okay to treat me bad. If you do, don't worry, I'll still be here. I'll still be available to you."

NOT a very good message to send. Men know exactly what that means and to them, it means that you're "hanging onto them" in a sense. That you're still there, available to them, even in the face of poor treatment. That is "rewarding" them for poor treatment (being available to them, hanging on as an "option" to them, showing them attention, etc.). When instead, they should be receiving consequences for improper treatment (no response, no attention, no availability)."

Is it just the shit men or men going in the opposite direction that would take you for granted in that instance? In terms of a natural psychological reaction. Or, can decent blokes not do that to a woman (take her for granted by her reacting nicely to his reach outs)? I would imagine 90% of the guys would take someone for granted if they've not learned their lesson, so this includes the good ones, or is it more like 99%?

Would love to hear your own thoughts on the matter.

CW; June 29, 2013 at 3:31 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @CW,
It's a psychological concept that applies to all, both men and women. Which is why it's also used heavily in economics and the marketplace daily:

http://ezinearticles.com/?Understanding-the-Law-of-Scarcity&id=184783; June 30, 2013 at 9:30 AM
CrystalWaters said...: Hi Mirror,

I find your whole website very interesting. I read all your new blogs and all the comments on about four to five threads including No Contact, Disappearing Men, Experiences with an Aries and Revenge on an Aries.

But two days ago, I started to get a bit upset. You see, some of the scenarios, like the one above, happened to me with my ex - I let him take me for granted despite my natural inclination being to do what you adviced (before I'd even found this site, this was), yet I was getting outside counsel if you recall, so I went through a bad painful process.

So when I read comments on here it just brings it all back and upsets me. about that particular piece of advice, it just brings it all back and upsets me. It's not like it was a true 100% learning curve, as I know in my heart what I should have done, but didn't.

So when I read this advice and comments again, it relives it for me and I then go back in time thinking about it again and it validates even more where it went wrong, what didn't I listen to my gut and no one else, but mostly, how the relationship could have been SAVED had I gone with my gut (and your advice) (even after the first break up when we were still connected emotionally) and secondly, how I wouldn't have been so hurt, which I am still living the dregs of now.

I don't know how you would advise on this site, if you had been through every single blog's disasters yourself, as you'd be a walking wreck of emotions if you kept re-living all of it to help others.

I started to think, maybe I shouldn't read the sites comments anymore. it's just with my ex Aries I have the problem with in terms of re-living the pain, because with my other ex boyfriends, I never put myself through that, just him where I was getting the outside counsel from several 'rubbish' advisors.

As I have not moved on yet into another loving relationship, I do feel scarred by it all and a bit lonely I suppose at times too, probably exasperated by the fact I live in a city with no family here (as most are dead now) so I am not getting the human contact I would like.

What to do.

CW; June 30, 2013 at 3:39 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @CW,
I may not have been through every scenario here, but I have my share of horror stories...such as a seven year failed engagement in my 20's..he was cheating. A failed seven year marriage from my husband...he was cheating. A live in boyfriend of two years that married five months after leaving...my ex husband getting another woman pregnant seven months after we were separated and still married....shall I go on? How about you...ever been through anything as painful? Ever had a husband cheat? Ever had a husband knock someone else up while married to you?

Every woman here has suffered her own personal struggles and heartaches, that of which well truly never know the depths of. Helping others helps me. Not everyone will deal with their pain in the same way, but that's how I deal with mine...I attempt to make something positive out of something negative.

And if I hadn't been through what I've been through...I wouldn't have learned what I now know and share with others. And your insinuation that I've suffered little and cannot relate to the suffering of others here is quite insulting...particularly considering how much of my time I've spent attempting to help you.

At this point I ask that you please cease reliving your pain and cease visiting the site so that you find your way.; June 30, 2013 at 8:08 PM
Peter said...: @CW

No you should absolutely not read the site any more or even comment in fact. I'll say something in support of MOA here.

I don't like the way you are on this site. Your attitude in several comments has been negative and contradictory to the point of confrontational sometimes. How you approach MOA in this current comment is a new low for you.

I feel you add little and only add chaos when you comment. Your comments on the Dumper/ Dumpee post were out of line and disrespectful.

There are ladies here who come to learn and advance for their own good, but also share for others. Nearly every comment I read from you is a comment telling others what they should do or contradicting the work here.

If you don't find this site useful then leave and find your own way. However if you do find this site useful to read then limit yourself to that. You need to consider that women with genuine need for this site will be reading but posting out of fear. Your comments could very well put them off commenting. So at least restrict yourself and consider others too. This should be a safe and welcoming community which is not what you make by commenting as you do.

Now I understand you had a bad experience, and I do wish you the best. However if you experience pain reading this site then it is best you find your own way if it is not on this community.

If you do stay here then that that way MUST not include your disrespectful and insulting treatment of MOA. You will most likely find that many here won’t tolerate it, and after everything she helped me with..The person the least tolerant of that is me. Think on your actions please, this community is more than than just you.; June 30, 2013 at 8:27 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ CW,
Whatever the heartache and pain is in our life, if it damages us to the extent that it prevents us from the ability to live a happy, continually evolving life, then seek professional help.

I have done it many times and it has saved my life as well as helped me understand certain human behaviors. Therapy is a science. A very cool science. Find a well-schooled and skilled therapist (there are poor ones out there as well - you'll know who they are by trusting your gut).
Mental health is the same as physical health... if your stomach won't stop hurting, do you ignore it? Or do you go to the Dr for help?
The same applies for our minds. If something is holding us back mentally, we need to seek help from a Dr.
I was in therapy for yrs in my 20's, and have gone back when I needed to -- 1.5 Yrs ago was the latest for a couple months.
Seek professional help CW, do the work with a medically licensed and skilled professional; sadness sucks. Blaming others sucks. Allowing the past to have control over us sucks.
The only way over it, is to go thru it by doing the work.
Good luck; July 1, 2013 at 3:15 AM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror
When I read your reply to CW, tears appeared in my eyes. I think you are an absolute winner in life because you have been able to cope with all your bad experience with dignity! And I am sure the best is yet to come! (-:

@Peter
I guess CW doesn´t have an ill intention in her contribution. It´s just pain...; July 1, 2013 at 4:34 AM
Anonymous said...: No wonder dating and marriage is so difficult these days. I had no idea people actually encouraged others to play these types of games in the hopes of finding a healthy relationship. Here's a tip, stop dating douchebags. Then women won't have to resort to this self-serving crap. Crap which will only come back to haunt them.; July 2, 2013 at 7:48 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous,
This isn't about playing a game, it's about holding your own in a relationship.

Clearly, you're a man and you have very little understanding of what women are facing these days when dating. Very easy to say, "Stop dating douchebags" - and I imagine if men wore signs that said, "I'm a douchebag," that'd actually be pretty easy.

But the reality is that the world is full of narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, opportunists, users and losers - many of which remain undiscovered as such until the woman is already emotionally attached.

Yep, women attach emotionally early on, something that you men don't generally do. And if they don't know someone is a douchebag (they forgot to wear their sign) - then it's too late.

And that's where things like this can help women to pull back, find clarity and detach emotionally in order to gain their balance once again.

If you want to talk about folks playing games - (we all know who invented the game and newsflash - it wasn't women), I'm sure you'll enjoy this piece:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/05/what-is-the-game-pick-up-artist.html; July 3, 2013 at 8:34 AM
Anonymous said...: hi mirror mirror, can you use the "no contact" rule for a man who left me for his ex? I dont sent him sms or call him cause even if I am hurt and feel betrayed I respect his decision cause no one can force love ...he was confused and I dont know if they are together but that's two months that it's over between us and I never call him, but he sent me 3 sms at all ... I answered to his sms, but now he doesnt contact me even he knows I am going to leave in another country... I'm so hurt; July 6, 2013 at 11:35 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello
Thank you SO much for these incredible posts and honest advise that does work!

I have a dilemma and need your expertise and opinion!

I broke up with a new boyfriend, and as I was having the talk with him he beat me to it saying he would rather stay friends. (childish much?!)

Anyway, I attempted to leave him twice before but he convinced me to give him another chance and he will wow me. He wow'ed me for sure, but not in a pleasant way!

It was very stressful and he was immature, little tantrums he threw and was selfish yet would try to do things that would "appear" to others that he is a fantastic boyfriend, but I am needy or just up tight lol

I was never needy, otherwise how is it that I was the one that attempted to break up twice. Moreover, in the relationship I put him in line and called him out on a few things so in self defence he blamed his rash decisions and lack of responsibility and commitment (and selfishness) that I am stubborn and have high expectations lol

So I booted him, coz it was too much for me. I felt like I was his trophy and he was not mature enough to know how to keep me or treat me.
Anyway,,, long story short

I broke up (he claims its mutual) on good terms and we laughed and hugged and decided to stay friends and civilised. :)
The weekend after we were all at a cruise (we have mutual friends)

He was flirty, I was carefree. (hE'S a taurus by the way), I got attention from others, he was lingering after me, but after a few drinks we were having a talk holding hands and flirty. But my message was always this (We are not a couple, you don't have access to me, we are friendly and fun, you lost privileges buddy). These messages weren't all verbal of course.

Anyway, I later found out that when we started dated his EX was in his bed when she visited town. He told me she stayed elsewhere. I threw a fit of course, we had an argument, I scolded him like a child, his ex has a boyfriend and she stayed for a week, she was already there when we first started going out and he says he didnt tell me because he was helping a friend and it was gonna ruin everything between us.

After popping a Xanax and collecting myself. I told him I don't wanna go over this, we remain friends but Im glad Im not his lady anymore for obvious reasons. Trust was broken early.

Anyway, he stuck around all night with me and my friends, End of the night I went home with my girl. Despte his pleads to want to "cuddle|. I wasn't having it.

Since that day, he messages me on whatsapp, to check on me., and my replies are late, and friendly. Sometime a laugh or two then I say I have to go.

Ofocurse I want him to regret not knowing how to treat me right, to regret slacking of, and to "long" for me. Although I left him, I really feel he should learn a lesson, and I do want to witness him doing work and stressing about trying to make me care for him the same way again.

The past 3 days, although I am pulling back. He didnt even go online (whatsapp application on iPhone - it says when was the last time the user logged on). He sends a message asking :How are you doing lovely lady?"
Then would f*** off all day lol he will literally not go online!

He would never usually disappear like this lol

My reply is (great thank you! hope you're having a lovely day too! :) x)

Its getting on my nerves and I feel he might be playing a game so that I want him more?

Another thing is, he asked me a few days ago if I am interested in someone (dating), I said no Im not dating anyone YET, why? lol He was really bothered.

Advise?

I need to win!
Need to get the f***er on his knees

thank you :)

p.s we broke up under 3 weeks ago, aprox 2 weeks

:)

Thanks; July 6, 2013 at 5:16 PM
Anonymous said...: Hey Mirror Aphrodite. Great blog here and for the biliionth time im sure you hear it i wish i saw this earlier .

long story short , i was in a relationship with a guy for 2.5 years , he pursued me and i played hard to get , he treated me really amazing because of my tactics , i rarely initiated contact till a year ago or something . 4 months ago he went to Europe on a vacation ( we just finished med school ) and for 2 months his contact with me was very poor . when he returned i asked him about the reason he said he was acting single and going to clubs all night and didnt want to seem like a hypocrite . anyway , few days after he got back i discovered msgs on his cell , bottom line he was flirting with a girl in the last week in his trip calling her baby and sexy names and he had sex with her on the day of his travel . ( I gotta note we're both virgins ) . i confronted it with it and he said he panicked once in a club when a girl got close to him that he didn't get an erection and came instantly ( too frank i know - med students " eye roll " ) so his attempt with that girl was to get physical and make sure there's nothing wrong with him . he then admitted that he gave me a false image of himself throughout our relationship just to be " up to my expectations " . he said he was never enough for me and wanted to be the man of my dreams . he admitted few lies and secrets he kept from me.

as u can imagine through out the last 4 months i dumped him like every week , but i then weakened and returned his calls . i screamed , cried , called him names , all the nasty things you can imagine. he said he was panicking from the idea of commitment ( we were supposed to get engaged this summer ) and that he wants to live as a single guy yet he loves me and wants me as his wife .

when i dumped him the last time he didnt beg like always and "genuinely " became distant . i called him telling him you are losing the best thing that happened in your life and i might hate you and meet someone else just to move him , he kept giving me excuses that being distant from me gets him to think clearly and " hate " me less .

so by that point i lost him completely , he no longer wants to be close to me and repelled by my blame and aggressiveness.

unfortunately hearing that, i cracked and started chasing him , saying i forgive you for what you did and calling him a lot. his ego was inflated and he started acting really arrogant with me . and during this time i saw him chatting girls on facebook and hooking to meet one of them ( he doesnt know i can read his messages) so you see , its not even to get me jealous !

i started NC 2 weeks ago , 1st time he called he was crying and saying you're the best girl ever and i love you stuff like that and i cried too and said we both need our space. i didnt call again after that so he called a couple of times panicking , but unfortunately stupid me replied welcoming and happy to hear from him , so he got relaxed that he still has a hold on me. till i read your blog , last tuesday he sent me a msg because we were in the middle of protests and he knew i was there , so he sent " please go home its dangerous here , please go home my dearest on earth" . i didnt reply .

so right now , i pushed him away by my claws , then by my chasing . and he is no longer interested in me even if i stop chasing him i think he'll be afraid to even contact me.i would love to hear your say on this.

Also , what does his jumping into flirting with girls immediately mean ? the girls type are all easy and slutty nothing serious i guess.

lastly , tell me what can i do ? some advice me that total NC might push him away further coz he sees you intimidating and not forgiving , they suggest i pick up when he calls being confident and attractive .im so confused plz advice me.

i sometimes admit that maybe im just humiliated and want him back just to boost my ego . dunno

Bee; July 7, 2013 at 8:36 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror

First, I just want to thank you for this blog, you're amazing!

I attempted to post this a few days ago but it was through my phone and I'm not sure it worked..so I apologize if you get this twice.

I started NC a week ago on a man I've been seeing for 1.5 years. It's long distant and we've never officially been a couple but he's been implying a lot that he sees me as part of his future. In the beginning he came on very strong and said he hoped that I was the one, even talked about moving to my city. We texted every day for the first 6 months. He has visited me 4 times since we met. The last time he visited me was in March and after he left I told him that I thought that we should step it up a bit and talk more often on the phone, like 3 times a week, as opposed to mostly texting, if we really wanted to get to know each other. I also said that if not, maybe we should just stop talking at all because I don't want to waste my time. He told me he understood where I was coming from but needed some time to think about what he needed to do. He called me 3 days later and told me he didn't think he could give me what I want, and that maybe I should find someone who's living closer, but that at the same time he didn't want anyone else to have me. Even so, the conversation ended by him saying he wants to try to give me what I want... He did make a brief effort, but for the last 2 months he hasn't called much at all, and just texted like once or twice a week. I should add that in November last year we had some sort of a talk and he said that when we first met he thought he was going to marry me and all, but then he started to think, and now he doesn't think he's ready to settle down. He also said that if we lived in the same area we would already be a couple but he doesn't think it's smart for either one of us to move to the other's city because it would put so much pressure on the relationship...
cont.; July 8, 2013 at 12:32 PM
Anonymous said...: 2 weeks ago I got accepted to a program at a school I really wanted to get in to and since he's been such a great support and have motivated me to go back to school and do something more with my life, he was the first person I called when I found out. He was really happy and told me he was proud of me. We talked for a few minutes and then he asked if he could call me back later & maybe we could Skype. The NBA finals were on so I understood that he wanted to get back to watching. Anyway the next day he texted me that he's so proud of me. A week goes by without the promised phone call, not even a text. Then after 8 days he texts me, just my name. I didn't respond. The next day he texted me 2 more times, just my name. I did not respond. He called me later that evening but I didn't pick up my phone. Then I got a text 20 minutes later" I'll just say I hope you're ok. I'll stop now, until next time. Peace" I didn't respond. Another week went by and then last night he texted this" could you please text me back something so I know you're living. I'll delete your number afterwards. I just want to know you're ok first" and then he called 20 minutes later. I didn't answer the call nor the text. The next evening he called me from a different number, I suspect from his brother's because of the area code. I didn't answer. I'm so hurt by the fact that he wants to delete my number and I don't know what to do. The thing is I love this man and I thought he was the one, we're both cancers, we even share the same birthday, which I took as a sign it's meant to be.. but he's not ready or willing to give me what I want. He can't even call me once a week anymore, and he didn't even call me back when he said he would after my good news. Instead he texted me a week later and only called because I didn't respond. It hurts me that he doesn't want to hear my voice or know what's going on in my life. We used to be so close. He would put his friend and his brother on the phone when we where talking sometimes and they told me they had never seen him like this before. I don't know how to proceed. I feel like maybe the NC isn't working on him because he knows that's what I'm doing, he's very perceptive, and I feel he's manipulating me by saying he'll delete my number. If I would call him back now he probably wouldn't answer and then delete my number because by me calling back he would know I'm ok. I'm also starting to feel really guilty by just ignoring him. Maybe NC wasn't the way to go in this situation? But I feel if I tell him I'm upset by the fact that he didn't call me back, he will just think I'm nagging and needy. I'm not ready to let him go but I feel like I have no choice because I want him, not just the crumbs he's been giving me the past few months. I really wish I could talk to him about this, but if I try now I feel like he would just turn it around on me and be upset that I have been ignoring him. He told me once that if he was done with me he would never just leave me hanging until I had figured it out, and I feel that because I'm ignoring him now he would recent me for doing this to him. I honestly have no clue what to do. I'm so sad it's hard to get out of the bed in the morning. If you could give me some advice on this I would greatly appreciate it.; July 8, 2013 at 12:32 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous July 8, 12:32PM,
Well dear, it's unfortunate that this happened, however, it will serve as a valuable learning experience.

The first thing you must learn to accept is that - you CAN'T change people. You can't make them date you the way you want them to, you can't make them call you as much as you want them to, you can't make them love you and you can't make them want a relationship with you.

You also have to realize that words are just words. ACTIONS speak much louder and this man's actions all along have been sketchy and inconsistent at best. A man that is genuinely interested does not need to be told how to date you. He will instinctually attempt to fulfill your needs without being instructed on how to do so. So when a man isn't doing that, when his actions aren't in line with his words - it's a big red flag. It's also a big red flag when a man comes on strong right out of the gate.

The process of falling in love for men does not have the same time frame as that of a woman. Women tend to bond emotionally much quicker than men, which is why it's not a good idea to sleep with a man early on in a relationship. If you do that, you become emotionally attached while he remains unattached. So you set yourself up right from go to be on the losing end so-to-speak.

Look at this from a different perspective than you are right now - because right now - you're trying to "fix" something that you feel is "broken" instead of accepting the reality that is presenting itself. And the reality that's presenting itself is that this isn't "broken" and he doesn't need "fixed" - the reality is that he can't give you what you need, he's not willing to, and he can't make you happy or fulfill your needs.

As a result, you should walk away rather than attempt to change someone. Instead of trying to make him change in order to fulfill your expectations or your needs - remove him from your life, accept the reality that he cannot do this and is not willing to do this, and instead, find a man that can make you happy and can fulfill your needs.

You can talk to him until your blue in the face dear - and it's never going to change him. You cannot control others, you can only control your reaction to them.

I think it's clear that he's not the one dear :-( I also think it's clear that he was running a bit of "lip service" in the early stages, telling you what he thought you wanted to hear to make this easier for himself. And when the reality set in that he would actually have to follow through with those things, he bolted as many players, the fast-talkers and bullshitters, will do when "the jig is up."

"He told me once that if he was done with me he would never just leave me hanging until I had figured it out"

Regretfully dear, I don't think he's left you hanging. I think he's made himself very clear here. His actions, and lack thereof, signal his intentions as does his statement about deleting your number. At this point, I think it's best to place him in your past. Otherwise, he could string you along and manipulate you emotionally like this for another year or more if you permit it.

Don't accept this type of poor treatment from a man dear. You deserve much better than this and there IS a man out there that will want to please you and make you happy and fulfill your needs. But if you waste more time attempting to change this one to no avail, you're not going to be able to meet that great guy that's out there for you :-); July 8, 2013 at 5:20 PM
Anonymous said...: @MOA

Its Bee again , i need your help on this one.
so 2 days ago he called me at 3 am and i didn't pick up. he changed his profile picture into an old pic of him he knows i love . in the morning i saw him by chance but it was too far to say hi , he saw me laughing with a friend ( girl) . he looked so sad :(

yesterday night he texted me congratulating me for the success of the protest and that he was happy to see me in the morning. i didnt reply.

apparently NC is working , but what should i do now ? keep ignoring his trials till 30 days pass or should i reply ?; July 9, 2013 at 6:57 PM
Anonymous said...: Hey Mirror ,

http://girlsguideto.com/articles/how-to-get-your-ex-back-goddess-style--2

just wanted to know your opinion on step#2 in this article .

"Many relationship advice experts say that you should not even return his calls if he tries to get in touch with you during the “no contact” period. I disagree. Here’s my advice instead: If he does call you, don’t answer your phone. But if he leaves a voicemail, wait a couple of days and then text him back. Be brief but friendly. Write something like “Hey! Got your message. Been super busy! What’s up?” If he calls but doesn’t leave a voicemail, don’t bother responding. He’ll eventually call again. If he texts you, text him back after a day or so and maintain the light-hearted tone "; July 10, 2013 at 12:32 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous July 10, 12:32PM,
I disagree with it for a couple of reasons. Granting a man access to you does not make him miss you - he can't miss you when you're available to him. And if he never gets to the point that he misses you - say hello to "round 2" of a disappearance, bad behavior, etc.

Also, when he has access to you, there are no consequences for his decisions and poor treatment. When someone treats you poorly, you do not reward them with your time and attention. Especially if you have not received an apology and he hasn't invited a talk.

What she's doing there may get the guy back, however, she's missing a very important point - filtering.

You need to know if a guy is WORTH taking back or not. You need to know if he's SERIOUS about you or if he's just seeking sex again. And if you use the method above, you remove the "filtering" process to find out if he's genuinely interested and serious about you.

Basically, if you use the method above, you make it easy for him - when instead, you should be making him WORK TO PROVE HIMSELF as genuine before giving him the time of day again.

But of course, everyone is entitled to "free will" and the ability to use whichever route they see fit :-); July 10, 2013 at 2:28 PM
Lucy said...: Hi MoA,

I would like to know your opinion on the following situation.

My friend has been dating a man casually, no intimacy involved. They are meeting on weekends only. He explained to her that on weekdays he is busy with his work and travelling. Last time they were together they had a bad argument about this and related things because she is suspicious he meets other women during the week and although she realizes she is not entitled to anything regarding him she is angry. Last Wednesday, after their last date, she got a text with his invitation to the cinema on Thursday. For the first time after a few months he asked her out during the week. But she was so angry with him about the previous argument that she could not make herself go or even answer the text. Now it is a week later and she does not know what to do. Do you think she should wait for his second attempt at invitation or communication or is it her turn now? How should she react now?

Thank you very much for your answer.; July 11, 2013 at 1:31 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror of Aphrodite . Great blog here and it's amazing that someone with your knowledge is being so helpful .

I'm 24 , been in NCR for 2 weeks now. I have a question though, how do you act through your social media profiles(like facebook or whatsapp ) , do I show the attitude of moving on already ? posting funny stuff and all. I'm not replying to any of his texts.; July 11, 2013 at 3:24 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous July 11, 3:24PM,
Carry on as you normally would. Any change in your behavior would alert him to the fact that you may be angry. So be cheerful, be happy and carry on as you would.

Just don't have any activity on there involving him. Don't like anything he posts and don't interact with his posts at all - just do your thing and carry on :-); July 11, 2013 at 5:35 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous July, 11, 1:31PM,
Well, she's free to do anything she likes, however, if it were me, I'd want him to prove that he's genuinely interested in me before proceeding with him, given that he's suspiciously unavailable during the week.

And the way to see if a man is genuinely interested is to see if he pursues you. If he cares, he will.

So there's always the option of waiting to see if he's genuinely interested or not. . .; July 11, 2013 at 5:37 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello
Thank you SO much for these incredible posts and honest advise that does work!

I have a dilemma and need your expertise and opinion!

I broke up with a new boyfriend, and as I was having the talk with him he beat me to it saying he would rather stay friends. (childish much?!)

Anyway, I attempted to leave him twice before but he convinced me to give him another chance and he will wow me. He wow'ed me for sure, but not in a pleasant way!

It was very stressful and he was immature, little tantrums he threw and was selfish yet would try to do things that would "appear" to others that he is a fantastic boyfriend, but I am needy or just up tight lol

I was never needy, otherwise how is it that I was the one that attempted to break up twice. Moreover, in the relationship I put him in line and called him out on a few things so in self defence he blamed his rash decisions and lack of responsibility and commitment (and selfishness) that I am stubborn and have high expectations lol

So I booted him, coz it was too much for me. I felt like I was his trophy and he was not mature enough to know how to keep me or treat me.
Anyway,,, long story short

I broke up (he claims its mutual) on good terms and we laughed and hugged and decided to stay friends and civilised. :)
The weekend after we were all at a cruise (we have mutual friends)

He was flirty, I was carefree. (hE'S a taurus by the way), I got attention from others, he was lingering after me, but after a few drinks we were having a talk holding hands and flirty. But my message was always this (We are not a couple, you don't have access to me, we are friendly and fun, you lost privileges buddy). These messages weren't all verbal of course.

Anyway, I later found out that when we started dated his EX was in his bed when she visited town. He told me she stayed elsewhere. I threw a fit of course, we had an argument, I scolded him like a child, his ex has a boyfriend and she stayed for a week, she was already there when we first started going out and he says he didnt tell me because he was helping a friend and it was gonna ruin everything between us.

After popping a Xanax and collecting myself. I told him I don't wanna go over this, we remain friends but Im glad Im not his lady anymore for obvious reasons. Trust was broken early.

Anyway, he stuck around all night with me and my friends, End of the night I went home with my girl. Despte his pleads to want to "cuddle|. I wasn't having it.

Since that day, he messages me on whatsapp, to check on me., and my replies are late, and friendly. Sometime a laugh or two then I say I have to go.

Ofocurse I want him to regret not knowing how to treat me right, to regret slacking of, and to "long" for me. Although I left him, I really feel he should learn a lesson, and I do want to witness him doing work and stressing about trying to make me care for him the same way again.

The past 3 days, although I am pulling back. He didnt even go online (whatsapp application on iPhone - it says when was the last time the user logged on). He sends a message asking :How are you doing lovely lady?"
Then would f*** off all day lol he will literally not go online!

He would never usually disappear like this lol

My reply is (great thank you! hope you're having a lovely day too! :) x)

Its getting on my nerves and I feel he might be playing a game so that I want him more?

Another thing is, he asked me a few days ago if I am interested in someone (dating), I said no Im not dating anyone YET, why? lol He was really bothered.

Advise?

I need to win!
Need to get the f***er on his knees

thank you :)

p.s we broke up under 3 weeks ago, aprox 2 weeks

:)

Thanks; July 15, 2013 at 3:19 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous July 15, 3:19PM,
The advice you seek is contained in this article - no contact, no response.

Although I do not condone using it as an ego game "to win" as it's intended to actually bring two people closer together through the realization of feelings and also by standing your ground and earning their respect.

"I want him to regret not knowing how to treat me right, to regret slacking of, and to "long" for me. Although I left him, I really feel he should learn a lesson, and I do want to witness him doing work"

If you use no contact (and no response), in time he will reach those realizations himself - IF he was genuinely interested in the first place. But it takes time and if you continue to respond, he will NOT experience the lesson as your continued availability to him will hinder the time frame necessary to create feelings of longing.; July 15, 2013 at 4:56 PM
Heidi said...: Hello! Mirror, your writing style is fantastic! I found this site ages ago by accident.

Lately, I’ve been reading your articles and feedback (excellent stuff!!!) & Thinking this “no contact” is what I need to either get my relationship back on track OR forget about him. I can’t decide which I’m hoping for yet ☺.

We began dating in December . He is friends with my brother and he pursued hard with calls, invitations, driving 4 hours to my city on the weekends, etc. For a good couple months, I enjoyed talking to him but wasn’t really physically attracted to him. Yet, he was funny, kind, consistent and very thoughtful and 4 months into it he mentioned that he wasn’t dating anyone else and hoped I felt the same. We met eachother’s children, spent weekends with each of our families together. He called a few times during each week and we texted almost daily with him initiating almost all of the texts. I have never called him first.

However, he never said “I love you” and last month, it occurred to me that I was falling in love with him and (foolishly) after a wine fueled evening with his sisters, initiated the “where is this going” and “why haven’t you been calling much” conversation. *sigh*.

He reiterated that I was the only person he was dating, hadn’t been with anyone else/ didn’t want to be with anyone else & has been busy with work & training for the marathon, etc.

The next weekend, he came to my town again and all seemed great. Very attentive and affectionate. He left on a Sunday & I haven’t seen him since ( been 3 weeks and he just cancelled the weekend plans he made for us…. Citing too busy with work). Looking back, seems like there has been a slow fade for the past 6 -8weeks. He isn’t calling as much, isn’t making plans w me and isn’t asking questions when he texts to keep our conversation going. This week, I hardly heard from him and I finally texted him last night that I was looking forward to seeing him. He responded 2 hours later that he’d “call after work to let me know when he’d arrive but to “not make dinner reservations/working late” .

That felt off. SO, when he left the vm this morning cancelling our weekend plans, I expected what was coming before I even listened to the apology message: “ I have some bad news…”. I didn’t respond to the text he sent after the voice message and I don’t plan to call him back. My best guy friend told me that I should at least acknowledge his apology . Thoughts?

He didn’t say he was disappointed he had to cancel, didn’t say anything all week like he “couldn’t wait to see me” ( as he used to do frequently) and he didn’t ask to see me next weekend instead . He didn’t say “he’d make it up to me” as he’s done before when plans needed rescheduling. I’ve had to cancel plans too & understand that things happen… but my gut tells me something is up this time.

He hasn’t ever been a jerk. He apologizes if he drops out of a text conversation suddenly ( as do I) and calls when he says he will call. He’s typically respectful, just not as attentive for the past month or two and I want to figure out if he’s just backing out slowly and permanently due to sudden lack of interest or what Is going on with him.

I fell for him because he was so consistent and funny and it was all very easy. I feel rude for vanishing completely, but after reading your articles and many posts, I am thinking NC may be the way to go for my sake.
Wish me luck ☺
Thanks, and again, FABULOUS site!!!!!; July 19, 2013 at 2:40 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous July 19, 2:40PM,
"My best guy friend told me that I should at least acknowledge his apology. Thoughts?"

No, don't do that. While I'm sure your friend has good intentions here, he's taking the "be very nice and he'll come around" approach. Which simply isn't true in these situations. When you're too nice to someone who's treating you poorly, you only invite more bad treatment unfortunately and they begin to take you for granted.

Instead, remain silent - and let HIM WONDER why you're silent. Let HIM think about how he's been acting and if that's why. Let HIM reflect on how things have been going lately to find the answer. Let HIM figure it out on his own and let him worry about whether or not HE has disappointed YOU.

I mean really, when you think about it, why thank someone or acknowledge them for apologizing for cancelling on you, LOL? "Oh, I see you cancelled and then apologized, no worries." And why reassure them that cancelling on you is okay. "Oh, it's okay, don't worry."

NO - I say WORRY. Worry about how you're treating me, worry about whether or not you've disappointed me, worry about whether or not you've hurt me, worry about whether or not I'LL STILL BE AROUND AFTER A FEW WEEKS OF THIS.

Worry - worry about it all - because that's what makes folks rethink their actions and see the error of their ways. If you reassure them that it's okay to cancel on you and you'll be okay and you'll still be there - then guess what? They're going to have no problem doing it again in the future.

"I want to figure out if he’s just backing out slowly and permanently due to sudden lack of interest or what Is going on with him."

The only way to do that, the only way a woman can gauge a man's true intentions and find out if he's genuinely interested or not - is to see if he pursues you. And in order for him to pursue you, you have to run away and give chase to him.

Cont. .; July 19, 2013 at 5:52 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "I feel rude for vanishing completely"

Those are your emotions speaking, and as we all know, love (emotions) is blind. Instead, use logic here and treat this as you would say. .a business decision. Weigh the facts to reach your decision about how you feel and don't use your emotions to do that. And here are the facts:

1) He's been pulling back

2) He's cancelled in an odd manner

3) He's show very little concern for you

4) He doesn't appear to be concerned you'll leave him in spite of his less-than-proper treatment as of late

5) He's taking it (you) for granted that you'll tolerate being an "option" instead of a "priority" and that you'll still be there afterwards

Those are the facts. Now look at them logically and disregard the emotions you have here. Should you feel bad? Should you feel rude? Do you feel that YOU have mistreated him in any way that resembles being WORSE than he's already treated you?

He's made at least five "improper" things happen here towards YOU - and you're worried about being rude to HIM about ONE little thing?

Don't waste your time dear. Never treat someone like a priority while they're treating you like they're option.

I'd suggest you go into no contact (and no response) and level the playing field here, put him to the test and lookout for yourself. In light of his recent behavior, it's time to pull back for protection and balance. It's time to take your power back, value yourself - and make him see you in the same light. As an independent woman who will NOT be available if treated like this, as a woman who is NOT afraid to walk away, as a woman who WILL demand better for herself - and if he's not the man to do it, that's okay - because you'll find one who is ;-)

That's actually a very attractive mindset in women for a man dear. Many won't admit it, but the majority of men love a challenge and competition (sports-like) - I say become a challenge and show him a little competition ;-); July 19, 2013 at 5:52 PM
Heidi said...: Exactly what I needed to hear. Endless thank you's for your very thoughtful and time consuming response!!!; July 19, 2013 at 5:58 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror. Im in a very tricky situation and ever so glad I found you.i met a guy three yeats ago, not so educated n all. Very jealous n small minded but smitten by me. He stuck to me like glue bcoz I was on a rebound. I didnt like him initially but he went out of his way. He did a disappearing act then. Reappeared apparently to give me time to think. Did the disappearing act many times in three years. I used to go mad n eventually after restrain for 15-20 days I would seek him again n he d come back n we d get back to normal. He always had problems with commitment. In these years he even promised marriage but never materialised. Mirror im not from a western back ground, still I was liberal educated forwaard looking n he super conservative. But as luck would have it he got a few lucky bteaks in his career. I started yo mentally distance myself since about s year but I was always there for him. Now his luck is not doing him so good financially n career wise. now after an argument about his ways n indifference he did a disappearing act. I too went NC for 15 days after which my cell auto dialled his number. He responded n I didnt have thr heart to tell him that it was a mistake. I told him come n see me which he did the next day after a lot of argument n my pleading. He came n acted high n mighty n complained he was ill n I was driving him mad n that I would get an attack of some sort after 15 days although he was the one who ran off. He screamed at me when I suggested we could go out for a day n try to rebound. Next day I called to check on him. He did not resoond for three hours then I get a message im at home. I ket texting n calling him to attend my call but no response I gave up then. And the next day as I was fuming in anger I trxted him n said I wanted him to honourably return my call he called back n we agreef to meet on my request. But then he said let's wait two days since he wasnt well n expected a nagging fight. I said ok, he was surprised since he expected me too insist on meeting now. then he said we ll meet tomorrow. I said ok. But something fied in me that evening I never called. Hr always thinks I seek other men when he s not there though I ve never betrayed him but he always plays these mind games. Im on NC now again for three days. I didn't call to meet as we decided bcoz his acting was too much to bear and his treatment n words unbearable to me. He knows he won me over when lots of other men better than him were trying. He knows others r still trying but he still tries his sick games. I told him time n again I like consistent behavior but to no avail. In all these years he s sought me a few times n I every time. Im now set to go abroad in ten days n he knows my tentative plan but not a confirmed plan. Im not sure if he believes I ll go. Pl tell me what should I do. Im involved with this guy n want things to work out but not at the cost of my self esteem. I cant take insults. So I react. I want him to pursue me like he did.; July 21, 2013 at 4:56 AM
Ri said...: Mirror I just read the advice you gave to Heidi and I think you hit the nail on the head! you have opened up my eyes and helped me realize all the past mistakes a nice girl like myself has been making all along which includes being too nice too forgiving too understanding and too naïve to see what was really going on...I just want to thank you again for taking the time to respond to us women so that we can take our power back in the dating world and as independent women who wont stand for shit treatment and bullshit games...thank u <3; July 21, 2013 at 5:14 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous July 21, 4:56AM,
True no contact dear means no contact and NO RESPONSE for 30 days. A few days here and there or two weeks - not enough for a man to truly feel that you're gone. It's not enough time for a man to feel a true "end" has been reached with you.

You need for this man to believe he's lost you. And in order for you to do that, that means he can have NO ACCESS to you at all, whatsoever, for AT LEAST 30 days, if not more. He needs to attempt to contact YOU - and when he does, YOU need to NOT BE AVAILABLE to him. His calls and texts MUST go unanswered for at least 30 days if you want him to think or reflect or "feel" anything for you.

He knows your pattern and he knows he's got the upper hand here (because YOU pursue HIM) and he's using that to his advantage. He knows that if he stays away (HE is using no contact on YOU), you'll break and contact him. And YOU need to flip that around and make HIM feel that YOU are gone.

And when you do this, it'll be more for you than him because clearly, you need to detach emotionally from him so that you can gain clarity here and get your emotions (reactions) under control. And the 30 days of no contact will help you do that. Many women, come the 30 day mark, experience such a turn around that - when the 30 days are up - they find they're not even attracted to the man anymore.

That's how much 30 days can benefit you. Once you detach, you see clearly.

Stop all pursuit of this man. Don't call, don't text. And if/when he calls and texts YOU, don't respond. Stay silent and stay gone. If you truly want to know if this man is genuinely interested in you and feels anything for you, stay gone and give him plenty of time to "experience" your absence and how he feels about the "end" finally being reached.

People can only treat us as poorly as we'll let them - and regretfully, you've let him treat you this way for 3 years now dear. My suggestion is, don't waste one more day of your precious time or life here on him, unless of course, you want to do this for the next 10 years.

You may want him to pursue you as he once did. But what you need to realize is that - HE can't pursue YOU - when YOU are the one pursuing HIM. He can only pursue you if you walk away. If you're in his face all the time, he can't pursue you - he can only pull away from you.

And you also need to realize that, if he doesn't pursue you, you need to walk away. You can't control others, you can only control your reaction to them. You can't make a man want to be with you, you can't make a man love you.

But what you CAN do, is refuse that poor treatment. You CAN walk away, you CAN be unavailable as a consequence. When someone treats you poorly dear - NEVER, EVER REWARD THAT TREATMENT WITH YOUR TIME AND ATTENTION (pleading, calling, begging, crying, etc.)

Instead, when someone treats you poorly, issue a consequence (be unavailable to them) for that poor treatment:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html; July 21, 2013 at 8:43 AM
Heidi said...: Good morning!
Update on the slow fading and weekend plan cancelling Aries from Friday. Yesterday, he texted a long, detailed (wordy/ pointless) story about his “crazy” Saturday and ended it with “hope you are having a better weekend than I”.

As I couldn’t care less that he broke a toe and accidentally left Gorilla Glue in his jacket pocket (apparently it doesn’t have the best effect in a hot clothes dryer- go figure, genius), I have no plans to respond. He didn’t ask any questions and didn’t repeat his apology for cancelling. Just felt is necessary to text a freaking short story.

I can’t help but wonder if he even knows I’m MIA yet. I have gone a couple days without responding to him before. I’ve been reading up on Aries men this morning and he’s certainly competitive. I’m a Libra and not responding to him is definitely helping me get balanced ☺ Thanks again ☺; July 21, 2013 at 12:01 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror pleaseeee write a book about dating love and relationships offering your wisdom and advice I'd be the first to buy it!; July 21, 2013 at 10:39 PM
Anonymous said...: I have implemented no contact no response with an assclown. He reached out over the weekend at 2 AM asking if I was still up or out on a date. He then went on to say he cares since we spent two yrs together. I did not reply to any of these texts as he is STILL talking to another woman. Ladies, it's not easy and it takes every fiber of my being to not reply but you must find the strength and empower yourselves hard as it may be. Do not feed the animals after midnight!

NYCGal; July 22, 2013 at 11:14 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello ,
It's Bee again :) i had a post from July 7 and I'd love to hear your say on it.

I've decided to let it go because I know my worth. He's not a bad guy but he's simply stupid . Yet I'd love to hear your analysis , it'll help me greatly in understanding what happened here and how guys think.

Also , I came across this link and I gotta admit I had these thoughts about NC too . What do you think ? and why ? :-)

http://torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/blog/no-contact-brought-back-my-ex-im-sticking-to-nc/

Bee; July 22, 2013 at 12:20 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Bee,
In your July 7th post, there are really no questions that can be answered and the ones that can - are answered in this post dear.

What can you do?

Go NC (no response) for a full 30 days.

What does him flirting with other girls mean?

It simply means that he's flirting with other women.

Why did this happen?

There could be a multitude of reasons. Either he's not genuinely interested in a relationship and he's choosing to keep you as a sexual option, or maybe he felt pressured and bolted, or maybe someone else came along. .the reasons are endless.

And why it happened and how men think. .that is covered here in this post:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/06/disappearing-reappearing-man-what-to-do.html

Sharing too many emotions, being emotionally unstable, sending mixed message - it all amounts to pressure with men. Their preferred methods of communication DO NOT include high use of "emotions" and emotional displays.

Regarding the post you shared, I agree with his overall sentiments about NC and I often tell women, it's mainly for YOU and not necessarily about getting the guy back. Sure, it can work, but it's not a guarantee, nothing in life is, and it shouldn't be looked upon as one as it's main benefits are for emotional detachment.

Because let's face it, when someone walks away from you, their ACTIONS are speaking there. Forget their words, listen to their ACTIONS. And what their actions are saying there is that this isn't working for them. And the only way it will work - is if THEY WANT IT TO.

In the end, there's nothing you can do or say to make a man love you or want a relationship with you. Being absent (NC) from a man gives him plenty of space to experience any feelings he may have for you (because men, unlike women, experience "feelings" during absence whereas women tend to live and feel in the moment more), but it's not a guarantee that he'll ACT on those feelings or WANT it enough to take ACTION as well.

So the biggest and best use of NC is for the woman if you ask me - for the emotional detachment to take place so that her emotions can balance once again, heightened anxiety can cease, she can regain her sense of power, see herself as valuable, take a stand to lookout for herself properly and protect herself and gain clarity once again to see the man for who he TRULY is, rather than the ILLUSION she's built in her head or bought into that he sold her.

Getting the ex back is just one use of NC, however, I believe it's the other uses, as listed in the article, that are actually much more beneficial to women.; July 22, 2013 at 12:39 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi,

I've just split up with the man I was with for a year and 4 months, we were friends for a long time before we went out and had always been attracted to each other. He initially warned me that he didn't like texting but preferred face to face contact. Recently, we were both very busy with personal issues going on in our lives and didn't pay as much attention to each other. He contacted me less and less, and I ended up snapping and said I was unhappy. We then had a terrible argument and a day later he left me by text saying he still has feelings for me but that he doesn't think he wants to continue, that he thinks I deserve better.. I phoned him to talk straight after, and he said he wants to see if he misses me, that I was a really good girlfriend, but "what are the chances of it working out anyway?". He mentioned the split being temporary and assured me there's nobody else ( I believe him) and then said that for him at that moment in time it was definite. I told him I love him, hung up, and haven't contacted him since. It's now been 4 das and I'm finding it hard. Just before the split he contacted me to chat and I ignored it, after 4 days he text me again saying he was sad because I hadn't answered. We then had the argument and then broke up. Because he never really spoke to me anyway, I'm worried he won't actually notice that I'm doing No Contact... I have a feeling that he'll come back, but I'm worried that it's just me being hopeful...

If you could help me I'd appreciate it,

Ciara; July 25, 2013 at 5:45 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Ciara,
I tell women this ALL THE TIME and he's just validated it. Men DO NOT "feel" the same way women "feel." Meaning, men "feel" during ABSENCE, while women tend to "feel" in the moment. And he's just confirmed that:

"he left me by text saying he still has feelings for me but that he doesn't think he wants to continue. . .he said he wants to see if he misses me"

Hence the beauty that can be 30 DAYS of NO CONTACT, no response, LADIES ;-)

"I'm worried he won't actually notice that I'm doing No Contact"

If you respond to his contact, then no, he won't notice. When you're still AVAILABLE to him, he can't miss you. He can't experience a true feeling of an "end" with you and he can't "feel" any emotions he has for you until - there's a true ABSENCE from you.

Give him what he wants here, give him the ABSENCE he's requested by breaking up with you. Show him the CONSEQUENCES of that decision by giving him exactly what he's asked for - TIME AWAY FROM YOU AND THE RELATIONSHIP:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

Let him EXPERIENCE those negative feelings. Let him MISS YOU. Forcing him to go through the actual experience, the actual consequences of HIS OWN DECISION, will help him to "feel" anything he has for you. Making yourself available to him right now will only REWARD him for his decision (he gets the best of both worlds - his freedom with continued access to you).

He doesn't get his cake and then get to eat it too - instead, he receives consequences for his decision. And those consequences are your ABSENCE and your SILENCE.; July 25, 2013 at 9:55 AM
Heidi said...: Update on the slow fading Aries. Prior to him cancelling in the odd way last weekend, we had made plans to attend a 40th bday party together in his town, Sat. July 27 which I had forgotten about ( was thinking it was a few weeks away) . My brother and his wife were also going along with mutual friends & I decided to still attend.

Aries made a few ( lame) text attempts to reach me last week (ignored) but Thursday, I caved when he called and said “I thought we had plans to attend Alex’s party this weekend. Are you coming in? Are you staying at your brother’s house?”.

I returned his call later that night, let him know I’d be leaving work late Friday, and might be best if I stayed at my brother’s. I kept the conversation brief but pleasant. He did not invite me to stay at his house, as he’s done for months. He said he’d see me this weekend and to call him when I arrived in town Fri.

I didn’t call upon arrival Friday, but sent a text Saturday morning saying I arrived very late and for him to call me regarding the evening. 6 hours later, he responds via text “ I’ll see you later tonight. Working today ”. OK. Then….. He didn’t show for the party. Didn’t call or text any of us. My brother and a couple friends called him and left a drunken “where the hell are you?” . voice message He texted me at 10pm, with no explanation . Just a “ You coming by on your way home from Alex’s?” (REALLY???? ) I didn’t respond.

I am floored by this new ( rude, arrogant) behavior and can’t believe he is acting so different. This man truly pursued ME for months and now I’m reduced to his games ? I am officially beginning NO CONTACT . I wish I’d stuck with it last week and not caved regarding the party and our plans with my brother .

His actions definitely tell me now that he is done with me & that really hurts. I just hope that I can regain the confidence I had last week when I had every intention of holding out for 30 days. I was RIGHT THERE in his town and he made no genuine attempt to see me.

OUCH.; July 28, 2013 at 7:44 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello mentor :)

I wrote before and you replied to my post on July the 15th.

I cut him off, removed him from FB. However he is still on other social media network. Today, A week in, he sent me a message on whatsapp saying that he would like us to atleast be friends.
He can see that I read it. I ignored it and rushed to this website for insight and guidance.

What should I do next? Continue ignoring , knowing that he can see I read the messages.
And what is happening in his head? Is the no contact working?or is he wanting to be friends with me so that it's easier to get over me and continue to date around?

Awaiting your advise mentor ;)

Thanks a bunch

Sugarcane
Xx; July 29, 2013 at 6:54 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA.. :)

S.B. here again...Uggh, I accidentally ran into the spoiled brat this weekend. We just happened to be in the same area (that neither one us live in) at the same time, at a signal light. smh
I just kept it moving and didn't acknowledge his presence. Does this run in mess up the NC rule?? I wasn't planning on seeing this joker until at least another month from now. :(; July 29, 2013 at 8:43 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sugarcane,
"What should I do next?"

No contact (and no response) is done for a 30 day period.

"And what is happening in his head?"

That's what 30 days of no contact will reveal - you have to wait for the 30 days to pass before that answer begins to appear.; July 29, 2013 at 8:55 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @S.B.
"Does this run in mess up the NC rule??"

Not unless you spoke to him and/or acknowledged him in some way. If you didn't do that, it still stands.; July 29, 2013 at 8:56 AM
Anonymous said...: Yayy! ok..thanks MOA! :); July 29, 2013 at 9:20 AM
Anonymous said...: Hell Mentor

Ok, one question. So we have more than 15 mutual friends on Facebook. And many of them have been reposting his success of being featured in a magazine for his art piece.

I ignored the first one, then today another magazine featured it and everyone reposted it and congratulated him.
Im in the same social circle!

I don't want to break the NC, and I certainly don't want to "like" or congratulate him under one of the mutual friends posts publicly (I removed him from Facebook).

If I send this message " Congratulations".
Then ignore any messages he sends next. Would it be breaking the NC.
?
It's in my face that he achieved a milestone and I don't want to be the "cold hearted, mean, b*tch" I would like to stay classy yet continue doing what Im doing.

Your thoughts?

p.s.
He already sent me a txt before that I ignored. Saying that he would really like to be friends.

Lots of love

Sugar Cane; July 30, 2013 at 2:53 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror...

I met a guy I clicked with instantly which doesn't happen to me often. For 2 months we just talked a lot because he works out of town and then we spent 3 months dating a few times/week and got really close maybe too fast. This was Around New Years and he was getting ready to go on a 2 month trip over seas.

He invited me to a New Years party and we hungout the night before (which was great! He was so sweet and started opening up about his family troubles) but he acted very rude at the party the next night and barely spoke to me the 3 weeks before he left.

When he got back he was so sweet again and wanting to hangout, we met up and it felt like no time had passed even though it had been almost 3 months. Things seemed normal again but then all of a sudden he was "super busy with work, drained or tired" (he works 12hr shifts) and didn't have time to meet up although we still talked almost daily but only met up once a month.

2 weeks ago we made a plan based on if he could get off work early. I didn't hear from him, so I decided I would go no contact. The next day he said hello, I ignored him but then he sent a few more messages and although I shouldn't have, I told him everything that had bothered me. (Being rude at the party, treating me like an option and blowing me off the other night). He apologized, and said please don't be mad at me. And I just told him that, it's not about being mad , it's that Im not ok with being treated this way so I'll pass.

We haven't spoken since, I deleted him off social media etc. and have gone no contact, but he hasn't said anything either.

My question is... After 30-60 days if I still care about him do I say hello or move on if I haven't heard from him? I'm not sure if he feels like I hate him and don't want to talk to him.

I realize my mistakes too, pushing about what he wants, where this is going and acting a bit needy and pursuing when he pulled back. I wish we could have a fresh start we have so much fun together and I miss him as a friend too.; July 30, 2013 at 3:26 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi,
Just so you know, I love all your postings. I just have this situation which does not seem to get any better and I really need help. I've known this (Taurus) guy for a little more than a year now. We exchanged numbers at a friend's party and have been on 4-5 dates. He kissed me on our second date and since I barely see him, it's hard to tell if this is going anywhere. He's not the type to call/text every day so in the beginning, I ended up saying "hi" every once in a while. He always responds to my messages and is really sweet in person. We almost slept together the last time I saw him, which was over a month ago. He went out of town for work and while he was away, we talked and he made it seem like he really liked me but he has said it already that he does not want to be tied down. I just don't know what to do because he came back home last week and has made no effort to see me at all. He seems like he cares when we talk but his actions really don't show that. As much as I like him, I just don't know how to handle this.
He's an awesome guy and is really caring but I feel like he's confused. He'll talk about things we should do together and how he loves to spend time with me but when it actually comes to making plans, he's hopeless.
He also has not responded to the last message I sent him, which was a few days ago.
Should I just let him go? And what if I decide to do that, and he wants to see me? What's the best way to deal with this situation?; July 30, 2013 at 5:11 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sugar Cane,
Initiating "contact" is breaking no "contact" dear :-); July 30, 2013 at 5:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous July 30, 3:26PM,
"After 30-60 days if I still care about him do I say hello or move on if I haven't heard from him?"

The choice is yours dear - but be prepared for the very real possibility of rejection when you stick your neck out like that with a guy who's already signaling that he's "half interested" to begin with.

If he's making no effort to speak to you, why bother?

"I'm not sure if he feels like I hate him and don't want to talk to him."

When you really like someone, does any of that hold you back? Does any of that affect your decision to make attempts anyway?

Generally, the answer is no.

When folks strongly desire something, they make attempts to receive it, work on it, fix it and maintain it's growth and forward movement - men included.

Trust me, if a guy really likes a woman, he'll have no problem moving heaven and earth to win her over - and most times, men truly enjoy doing that.; July 30, 2013 at 5:32 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous July 30, 5:11PM,
"He kissed me on our second date and since I barely see him, it's hard to tell if this is going anywhere."

It's not hard to tell dear - his ACTIONS (and lack thereof) are speaking - you just need to "hear" them :-(

"he has said it already that he does not want to be tied down"

Then don't expect this to miraculously transform into a relationship dear.

"I just don't know what to do because he came back home last week and has made no effort to see me at all."

There's nothing for you to do dear. You can't control this, convince him to like you or make him want a relationship with you. All you can do is accept that his ACTIONS (ignore his WORDS) are signaling his lack of interest in pursuing anything more than casual fun and possibly a hook up here and there from this.

"He seems like he cares when we talk but his actions really don't show that."

Again, ignore his WORDS - hear his ACTIONS. He's going to say whatever he thinks you want to hear to achieve sexual success here eventually. As a result, hear the actions, ignore the words - because his actions are giving away his true intentions here.

"I feel like he's confused."

He's not confused dear. He's made himself perfectly clear, "he has said it already that he does not want to be tied down" - you need to line up your expectations with that. You can't expect a man that's announced he doesn't want a relationship - to act like he's in one with you.

"He'll talk about things we should do together and how he loves to spend time with me but when it actually comes to making plans, he's hopeless."

He's not hopeless dear, he's most likely just a bullshitter that's dangling you along in the hopes of receiving sex from this someday :-(

"Should I just let him go?"

"He also has not responded to the last message I sent him, which was a few days ago."

There's you answer sweetie :-(

"And what if I decide to do that, and he wants to see me?"

Then you use the same tactics he uses on you - you ignore him and you move on.

Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option.; July 30, 2013 at 5:40 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you :)

Thats very true...I will keep myself busy having fun with friends and hopefully by the time the 30-60 days is over it won't matter to me anymore. If don't hear anything more from him, I won't say anything. He always replies back to me but it will be the same thing over again (half interest) unless he is the one to make the effort. He told me he really likes me and finds me "very interesting" (not sure how to take that one) but obviously just doesn't like me enough.; July 30, 2013 at 6:21 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello MOA

I check your site everyday and wanted to thank you for your words of wisdom. They have helped me through moments where I have wanted to give and contact him but I retread your posts and regain control. Kudos to you for helping so many of us see the light! Keep up the good work and ladies no contact and no response, it will just set you back, trust me I've learned this the hard way.

NYCGal; July 31, 2013 at 9:44 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror:
I have been in an on and off relationship for 2 1/2 years. Me and my ex usually get back together within days. We have a son together and I have two other kids from a previous relationship but they call him dad. My ex has a drug addiction that has made him more harder to live with. I have begged and pleaded for him to get help but he doesn't take me seriously. He hasn't had a stable job in a year and has become a huge liar! A week ago I felt like I had had enough and made him leave. It was a very nasty split and as much as I didn't want to do it I felt I had to because things seem to be worse and we are both unhappy. I disconnected his phone but I sent him a text and told him that we need to work on our selves and see what happens from there. No response. We do have a bank account together that needs to be closed but I have not heard a s thing from him. He tried having his sister be the one to contact me but I told her that if he needs to make arrangements with me about our son etc that he can call me. It will be a week tomorrow and I have heard nothing. He has a very very close relationship with our son so I know he's hurting but he is very stubborn and prideful. My question is what of both people are using the no contact and no one gives in because they are waiting for the other to make a move? I love him and I really don't want things to be over but I want him to realize what he needs to change and change it for good. Can you please give me advice?thanks!; August 4, 2013 at 2:43 PM
Anonymous said...: I was in a 3 year relationship with a man I was head over heels for. The feels were completely mutual. We had a very difficult relationship of which I can not discuss. However, he started seeing someone about a month before our break up. They are still together and it's been about 5 months. Both of us have initiated the no contact for the entire length of his relationship. I saw him out a few weeks ago and decided to be the bigger person and say hello. We had a nice very short convo. 2 weeks after he sent me a text asking me for a favor. I did reply because at this point I figured the no contact ended the moment I said hello. But why is he reaching out now ? Does he truly just need a favor or would you think it's more than that ? I haven't heard or spoke with him since. And he is still in a relationship with someone else.; August 4, 2013 at 4:09 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous August 4, 2:43PM,
You need to leave him to his own for a long, long time dear - and NOT take him back until he's received PROFESSIONAL help.

Drug addicts claim sobriety on their own all the time, but the reality is that they replace one drug with another. If a heroin addict claims to be off the stuff, many times, they're taking vicodin or prescription pills instead. If a crack addict claims to be off the pipe, many times, they're snorting it instead.

With heavy narcotics, professional assistance is needed dear - nothing less.

Do not permit him back into your home to become a negative influence on your child - until he's received professional help. Because everything he's doing right now, stems from the addiction - the lies, the disappearance, the unemployment - everything.

And do not assume that he's hurting right now because of not seeing your son - he may be - but an addict will self-medicate and make that go away. . .the point of addiction many times is to self-medicate things away.

I'd suggest that you educate yourself about his addiction dear. I'd suggest that you join a support group and that you learn about what an enabler is to an addict and that you speak with others about the tough love needed with them and about relapse that occurs during attempts at sobriety - there's a lot to learn about addiction dear and right now, honestly, instead of seeking answers by focusing on the relationship - I'd seek answers about addiction and recovery instead.

Because the addiction is probably 90% of the problem here right now dear. And addicts don't think, feel or process information and emotions like sober individuals do. So what you expect to happen with him, probably isn't the case due to his addiction.; August 5, 2013 at 8:25 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror:
Thank you for the advice. I know that he has a long road of recovery. I feel bad because I did what I did but like you said I was only enabling him. He is addicted to synthetic marijuana and that drug is taken full control over him.

So should I cut all contact with him until he gets clean? What should I do about our son? Should I request that he takes drug tests to be able to see him?

He is a very hands on father and has never stayed out all night or disappeared for days but he's the type of addict that needs to smoke to "function". He was once such a caring person to a very distant, agitated person.

I myself have beat addiction without professional help and have been clean for over 5 years so I guess I'm hoping that this NC with me or his son will open his eyes. But everyone is different...; August 5, 2013 at 9:51 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous August 5, 9:51AM,
Synthetic marijuana, I see. Well, as harmless as that may sound, the simple fact is that it's so new, there is little known about it's affects on the human brain and body. And what we do know is, it's not natural - it's pretty much lab produced and includes chemical components.

My suggestion would be to get some support for yourself dear, some education about the issue - so that you can then make the proper informed decisions about how to proceed with him and with regards to your son.

And whenever doing so, remove yourself and him, your relationship, from the equation - and think solely of your son here first dear :-); August 5, 2013 at 10:24 AM
Oroimen83 said...: Hi Mirror of Aphrodite,

I've recently stumbled upon your blog and I really enjoy reading it. You share some really good information for us women.

Truth is, I have come across one of those guys who likes to pull the disappearing act. Though I saw it coming, he was slowly pulling away, it's still annoying. All I've gotten in the past 3 weeks is a text message saying he had been extremely busy with his new job and he would contact me over the weekend, and like I said, that was almost three weeks ago. He never called, of course. I never bothered answering the text message or calling him.

After reading your post, I chose to disappear as well. Now I think, if he ever comes back, do I really want to start over again? I feel I would have to go back to square one... and though I keep fond memories of our first five months, these past few weeks where he's been pulling away till he disappeared are sour... and I don't want to go through that again.

How do you bring up the subject without freaking him out? I mean, saying, I don't like this behavior and I won't tolerate it again, without him thinking "oh, she's getting all emotional".

I feel mirroring his actions haven't helped that much. One time he went 5 days without communicating, so I went three days without responding. I thought he would've understood my point... but clearly he hasn't.

Thank you for your help,; August 7, 2013 at 1:37 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Oroimen83,
"How do you bring up the subject without freaking him out? I mean, saying, I don't like this behavior and I won't tolerate it again, without him thinking "oh, she's getting all emotional"."

You don't bring up the subject dear. Because when you "talk" - men don't "hear" - and talk in and of itself from a woman is many times construed by men as "emotional" - which is why you avoid it in these situations.

The language of men is ACTION, not talk. As you can see here, he did not talk to you about him pulling away - instead, he used ACTION to communicate that. . .and he disappeared.

And you have to ask yourself, why do you want to talk to a man that you've been dating for five months that can just disappear on you for 3 weeks ever again anyway, ya' know?

If you want to signal to him that this behavior isn't acceptable and you don't like it. . .then YOU take ACTION and YOU use NO CONTACT (and no response) for 30 days solid from the first time he attempts to contact you again.

So the next time he contacts you, no response for 30 days - period.

THAT is a language men understand and THAT will signal to him that his treatment is unacceptable and as a result, you're not going to tolerate it and you're willing to walk away and do better for yourself.

"I feel mirroring his actions haven't helped that much. One time he went 5 days without communicating, so I went three days without responding."

Well, that isn't something that you try once and then give up on. But in this case, 5 months and a 3 week disappearance. . .mirroring isn't severe enough here - he needs 30 days straight of no contact, no response from you.

He needs to think HE lost YOU. He needs to think that YOU are not sitting around, waiting for HIM. He needs to experience and "end" here from you. Because each time he disappears, you're still there and that signals to him that it's okay to disappear. As a result, the disappearances are getting longer.

If I were you, at this point, I'd move on from him. I'd start dating other men and I would NOT consider myself bound or committed to a man that isn't considering himself bound or committed to me.

And when he resurfaces, all he'd hear from me would be crickets chirping on a quiet night in the distance. I would not respond, I would not contact him, I would not respond to his texts, I would not respond to his calls - I would disappear for 30 days solid - quite possibly permanently to tell you the truth. Because when a man disappears for 3 weeks solid, it signals more than a disappearance. . .it signals an "end," a breakup. And a man that was just too cowardly to say so.

So if I were you, I'd consider myself single right now, I'd move on and begin dating other men and I'd go into no contact for at least 30 days after his next attempt at communication.

If he wants space, I'd give him PLENTY of space from me. If he wants freedom, I'd give him PLENTY of freedom. I'd set him free - for good.

When men make these decisions dear, when they decide that they want to be single, then you let them. You let them experience the CONSEQUENCES of THEIR decision. And the consequence of that decision from him. . .is NO ACCESS to YOU:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html; August 7, 2013 at 8:37 AM
Oroimen83 said...: Thank you! That's what I'm doing :) Truth is, I've gotten cold feet myself... I don't like the feeling that comes with his actions (or lack of them for that matter).

So, yes, I'm going to follow your advice and start dating other men :).

Thank you so much for your eye opening posts! They save us women a lot of headaches! :D; August 7, 2013 at 11:39 AM
Anonymous said...: I was in a relationship with a man for approximately 3 years. We were totally in love with each other. The problem is/was I am married. The last year of the relationship became very difficult. I was not making decisions I needed to make due to circumstances at home. Anyway, our relationship ended 5 months ago because he met someone else about a month before our break up. Of which I believe he had every right. We both ended the relationship on not so friendly terms. We had not spoken for the entire 5 months. Since then my husband has moved out. I have started getting my life together. But I decided to talk to him a few weeks ago when I saw him out one evening. The conversation was good but I kept it very brief. He now knows about my husband and I separating. He text me a couple weeks later asking for a favor. I don't understand why or where this is going. He is still in his relationship. He and I have very little contact when we see each other. What are your thoughts about the text situation ? Is he reaching out for reasons other than his favor ? Where do I go from here ? Any input you have would be greatly appreciated. Thank you; August 7, 2013 at 4:15 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous August 7, 4:15PM,
I normally do not provide suggestions when it comes to cheating and affairs, but since you're now separated, I will address it - although probably not tell you what you want to hear dear :-(

I wouldn't worry about what his text means or even bother attempting to figure it out - it's a distraction to you at this point, which is not healthy.

Your focus should be on the civil resolution of your marriage and on YOURSELF right now - not a man. Don't make the mistake of jumping right into another relationship right now dear, or even tinkering with the idea.

When relationships begin this way, it's expected for them to end in the same manner - a manner of "not good."

And a big part of that is due to trust - more precisely, lack of it towards the other, via both of the involved parties. Whether you realize it or not, there's a small part of him that will never trust you. Why? Because you conducted yourself in an affair with him.

And whether you realize it or not, eventually, the same feeling will creep in with YOU regarding HIM someday as well - if you try to kick this back up again while he's in a relationship with another woman - and he accommodates you there.

Without trust dear, there is nothing. And although that might not seem like an issue at the moment. . .it's one of those issues that begins as a slight crack - then years later - deteriorates into a full blown chasm. Sometimes it rears it's ugly head immediately, other times it's a slow boil that takes years to reach it's pinnacle in the light of day.

Either way, I can guarantee you that it's here, lurking somewhere in this situation, regardless of whether or not either one of you are aware of it currently.

If I were you, I'd leave him to his relationship and I'd stay to myself right now, focusing on myself, my healing, appropriately grieving the loss of your marriage, appropriately grieving the loss of your husband - and I would avoid causing myself any further confusion, distraction and/or pain through this involvement with him at the moment.

If you both care for one another - you can revisit this situation in a year or two - once things have settled, once you've healed and once this is in the past and a fresh, new start can truly be had that isn't tainted from the past :-); August 7, 2013 at 4:38 PM

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