Dating: When, Why, How, To Use No Contact

There are many dating rules out there, but it’s the tried and true ones, the old fashioned traditional ways of doing things, that really do work, which is why certain rules have held true and lasted over the years.

One of those rules happens to be the No Contact Rule. In this handy little guide, I’m going to explain to you the how, when and why’s of this rule: how to use no contact, when to use no contact and why to use no contact when dating. Because this handy little dating rule serves more than just one purpose and has more than just one use.

I’m going to be speaking to the ladies here, but men, this applies to you as well. But I don’t have to tell you that. You guys are well versed in this dating rule and put it to use regularly. But for those men who may not be familiar with it, read on.

When And Why To Use The No Contact Rule When Dating

When A Man Suddenly Disappears On You

No Contact is a handy little trick to attempt to lure someone back to you – by disappearing on THEM. As most women already know, powerful attraction builds for a man that suddenly, and without warning, disappears. Why? Because you begin to think about them constantly.

Where did he go? Is there someone else? Why did he disappear? It doesn’t matter if all the thinking taking place is actually negative in nature, it only matters that all that thinking is actually taking place.

Why?

Because when someone thinks about you constantly, it actually creates intense attraction for them. Playing hard to get works, ladies, which is why it’s another one of those good ole’ fashioned rules that’s stuck around. Psychologically, people tend to want what they can’t have. It’s called the Law of Scarcity and it works in economics and in relationships.

It’s a scientific fact – uncertainty heightens romantic attraction. So if you’re worried he’ll think you’re not interested and then be gone for good, don’t bother thinking that. That’s just your insecurities talking, that’s just you thinking you’re not good enough. But YOU ARE good enough. Have faith in yourself that you’re worth it – and that he thinks you are, too. Don’t sell yourself short because how you perceive yourself – is how others will perceive you as well.

You see, when he’s uncertain as to whether or not you really like him, it’s actually a good thing. It keeps him interested. It keeps him coming around. It makes him want to win you over. It makes him work harder at the relationship. All those things it does to you when it happens to you – it does to him as well.

When a man disappears on you and you worry that he may be gone for good - when he resurfaces suddenly, do you kick him to the curb? Nope. Well, it works the same for men, gals. When you disappear on them suddenly and without warning and then you resurface out of nowhere, they’re unlikely to kick you to the curb. Rather, nine times out of ten, the individual is thrilled you’ve returned.

Men know this, ladies. They use this dating rule regularly – on YOU.

When You Want Your Ex Back

This handy dandy little dating rule can also be used to lure an ex back into your tangled web. If you’ve overwhelmed your ex with neediness, emotional displays, tons of questions about his feelings for you, anger and frustration and, as a result, he dumped you and now you want him back - employ the rule of no contact immediately. Why? To make him think he was wrong about you - and to make him miss you.

Why?

Because men are human too, ladies. They miss people and they’ll miss you when you suddenly disappear and they’re ringing your phone and texting you and you’re not answering or responding to them. That’s when the roles gets reversed and now THEY’RE thinking about YOU constantly. And all that thinking, negative or not, is actually going to create an intense attraction for you. The point is to stay away so long that the man actually begins to “long” for you.

Men equate “longing” for someone with love, ladies.

To Get Over A Man

Yep, the no contact rule is truly a handy dandy little rule with lots of uses. And the last use is to help you get over a bad breakup with a man – to help you emotionally detach from him. Why do you want to detach from him? So you can move on, think about him less, and allow room to meet other men and cease the unhealthy obsessive thought patterns and embarrassing behavior that ultimately, only makes you feel worse about yourself and helpless.

Why?

You see, when you desperately hang on, when you remain in communication with an ex, you’re doing yourself a big injustice. You’ll never get over him if you’re still communicating with him. So do yourself a big ole’ favor here and stop doing that, right now.

If you want the pain to go away, ladies – you have to make HIM go away, because he IS your pain.

How To Use The No Contact Rule When Dating

When A Man Suddenly Disappears On You OR When You Want Your Ex Back

Generally, the no contact rule is a 30 day rule. How to do this is, when a guy suddenly disappears on you without warning or breaks up with you and you want him to notice you again, you get his attention by suddenly disappearing on HIM – you make him experience the consequences.

It’s what’s best for him and you. That’s how you learn lessons in life, that’s how you learn not to repeat your mistakes and that’s how you experience personal growth and develop coping skills. And yes, they call them “growing pains” for a reason – they hurt. So expect it to hurt and brace yourself for a wonderful period of self-awareness and personal growth.

You disappear for 30 days. You do not take his calls. You do not respond to his texts. You do not communicate with him via social media. You do not communicate or respond at all, period, for 30 days. You stay gone and all he hears are crickets chirping in the dead of night.

After not hearing from you or receiving a response from you for 30 days, he'll begin to think this . . watch the video below, a song called "Madness" by Muse, and pay close attention to what this man is doing in these lyrics here - he's THINKING - about the WOMAN, and what HE did WRONG and how he's now READY to face the fact that he needs to LOVE:

Some woman most likely pulled "no contact" on his ass there.

So then, after a 30 day time period (30 days from the time you decided to use the no contact rule) and lots of time for him to think, you suddenly and without warning – resurface. And you do so by either:

1.) Finally responding to a question from one of his last communications (if he’s asked one)

2.) Simply saying, “Hello, how are you?”

And when communication is reinstated – you keep it short and sweet. You don’t share your emotions, you don’t cry, you don’t text back and forth like lightening for 5 hours and you don’t have long, drawn out 3 hour telephone conversations in an attempt to hash things out. You play it cool. You’re busy, you’re independent, you’re confident and you have a life. You “check in” is all. You make small talk and nothing more.

And from that point forward, you play it cool. You take an hour or so to respond to texts. You return calls a day or so later. You don’t accept last minute date requests, he has to make plans with you 3 days in advance or – you’ve already made plans (even if you haven’t, you pretend as if you have – remember, you have a life and you want to give him the impression that you’re busy, healthy and others desire your time as well). This is how you set healthy boundaries, earn respect and get him to treat you with fairness and kindness.

If he’s started out after the no contact period correctly but then suddenly relapses into bad behavior again, then you employ “behavioral mirroring” with him. If he disappears on you for 3 days, you don’t respond for 3 days. If he takes 24 hours to answer a text, you take 24 hours to respond. If he says he’ll call and he doesn’t, when he does, you don’t answer it and you respond to it 3 to 5 days later. And if he really begins misbehaving and taking you for granted again – you employ the no contact rule all over again for 30 days. This is how you create fairness and balance in a relationship and how you hold your own and you don’t get plowed over again.

This is how you earn a man’s respect, ladies. If you’re a pushover, then that’s exactly what he’s going to do to you – push you over.

When You Need To Get Over A Man Or A Breakup

Breakups hurt, rejection hurts. And most times, they hurt women more than men because of all the emotions women are capable of having that men are not. Men don’t analyze things or beat themselves up. Men PROJECT their emotions – outward and onto others. Women ABSORB their emotions – and beat themselves up.

If you want the pain to go away, you need to walk through those emotions and accept the reality. The only way to get rid of the pain is to feel the pain, to work through it and to learn to cope with your emotions in a healthy manner. To make that process much easier for yourself, you employ the no contact rule.

You do not, under any circumstances, communicate with the man. If you do, you’ll have to experience the consequences of your OWN decisions here – you’ll experience pain again, because you’ve permitted it. So you ignore his calls, you don’t respond to his texts, you remove him from any of your social media profiles and you put the past in the past.

If you remain in contact with your ex, you’ll never heal and you’ll continue to experience the hurt. You must cease contact for your own good. If you want the pain to go away, get rid of the pain – he IS your pain - and you need to get rid of him.

This will help you to think of him less and less as the days go on. You will begin to detach from him and from all of the negative emotions and damaging thought processes. You will no longer feel the intense desire to cling to him or to reach out to him. You will begin to feel better about yourself and you will begin to make room in your life for a new man – one that treats you with respect and kindness.

Using the no contact rule to get over a man - helps you to actually get over him.

And there you have it, a handy dandy little guide to employing the no contact rule properly when dating. There are many times in life ladies, that you must learn to say “no” and actually take responsibility for your own happiness and stop blaming the man when it’s actually YOU permitting this unhappiness. If you want things to change – then YOU have to change. You have to learn to be happy, with or without a man, and you need to stop living under the false impression that you need a man to make you happy.

Your happiness doesn’t come from a man, it comes from within yourself - and you radiate it, like warm sunshine.

So get comfortable with the phrases below:

“No, I won’t tolerate this.”

“No, this is unacceptable.”

“No, I won’t permit you to treat me like this”

“No, I will not be available to you when you treat me with disrespect and take me for granted.”

It’s Simple Gals

If you don’t look out for yourself and treat yourself with respect, then why would anyone else? Men want sex. Women want romance. So the best (and only) way for a man to have sex with you – is to romance you. Period, case closed. It’s a tradeoff, and a fair and equal one at that.

So make them do that, ladies: No romance = no sex. It’s simple.

Learn to say “no” and set healthy boundaries in your relationships and you will actually find that you will begin to feel empowered. You will develop a healthy self-esteem. You will feel confident. You will signal to men that you need to be treated with respect. You will grow dignity. You will find that you worry less and less about impressing a man – and you become more and more focused on a man impressing YOU (romancing you).

You have something he wants (sex): Make him work for it (romance).

Do that and you will be happy. You will be treated with respect and kindness. Give it away for free and you’ll be taken for granted by a man who never wants to lift a finger for you or impress you or give you what you need (romance).

This is not game playing, ladies. This is setting healthy boundaries for yourself, looking out for yourself and earning respect for yourself – and making a man treat you with such.

And here’s the harsh reality, ladies. Recent studies have shown that the modern day woman kisses approximately 75 frogs before finding her Prince Charming. So realize that when you stand your ground and demand respect, lazy men, users, and players seeking sex for free will walk away from you. But that’s a good thing because you’re weeding your way through the worthless ones that would’ve only hurt you anyway.

So if 74 frogs leap away from you – realize that the 75th is on his way to you.

It’s the good ole’ fashioned way of doing things. Back in the day, they called it courting. Try it, it works.

2516 Comments:

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Anonymous said...: I agree completely with your comments and suggestions. As for my affair, there are personal reasons behind my decisions and outside of my feels true reason for the separation. I have spent my time working through my decisions and the outcome of my life. I want nothing more than the happiness of all parties involved including myself. I truly appreciate your time you've taken to send your thoughts. And will continue moving forward. Thank you.; August 7, 2013 at 6:19 PM
Unknown said...: I really need advice. I broke up with a guy 5 years younger, 27 and I'm 31. We were together for three years, he's in school and I felt like I wasn't that important to him as he was always busy and couldn't find time for me. However, he was sweet, affectionate and did talk about our future. Now I want him back. We've been hanging out, having dinner, ect. He says he doesn't want anyone else but doesn't want to get back in a relationship right now. I'm trying very hard to play cool but it's driving me nuts not knowing where this is going. Can I trust him when he says he doesn't want anyone else and should I wait until he's ready to commit again?; August 9, 2013 at 1:52 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Yvonne,
"it's driving me nuts not knowing where this is going."

He's already told you where this is going dear. . .nowhere:

"doesn't want to get back in a relationship right now."

That means you cannot EXPECT anything here. You cannot expect this to turn into a relationship because he's already made it clear that he doesn't want one.

"Can I trust him when he says he doesn't want anyone else and should I wait until he's ready to commit again?"

I wouldn't. And the reason for this is because if he truly didn't want anyone else and he wanted you - he wouldn't want YOU to be with anyone else. . .and he would ask you for a commitment as a result of that.

Additionally, how do you know that he'll EVER be ready to commit? And how do you know how long that will be - 6 months, a year, three years, five years? Why would you wait around like that for a man to decide if he wanted you or not?

Generally, deep down inside, men know early on if they feel a woman is relationship material or not. And if they look upon a woman as relationship material. . .they move towards a relationship with her.

When a man says he doesn't want a relationship dear - you need to really "hear" what that means :-(; August 10, 2013 at 10:25 AM
Anonymous said...: MOA,

Thank you so much for this...This is what they should be teaching us in school: self respect n self-love..

I'm gonna try to make this short (thank you for reading): I'm 34 and my guy is 39..about 5 years ago we started dating after being friends for a few months. He said he didnt want a commitment but we ended up dating exclusively and fell in love. I ended up breaking up with him a little after 6 months of dating because he was going out all the time and seeing me only 1-2 times a week at most and I just couldnt take it anymore. Before ultimately breaking up, when I had almost had enough, he actually cried a couple of times and said he would make more of an effort but nothing ever changed. So we broke up for good. Throughout the 4 years, I pursued/ texted him often..Nothing else ever panned out for me. But he said he didnt want to see me because he didn't want those old feelings n pain to come back.
About 8 months ago, my father passed and for the first time in 4 years, he came to see me. We've now been seeing each other for 7 months on a weekly basis. Even went away for the weekend a couple of weekends ago. He says he doesnt want a relationship but we've been seeing each other long enough where I know he has feelings for me. This past week, he disrespected me greatly in front of his friend and mine when we ran into each other out at a lounge. The next night we had plans and for the first time I held my own and told him that he needs to apologize to me, which he did but he doesnt see his behavior (telling me he's there with his friend and not me and therefore pushing me away) as wrong because he didnt want to be rude to his friend. We talked a lot that night and seemed to have worked it out. I know what it's like to be without him for years and I don't want to lose him again. He's being distant but I texted him the next day and we made plans for this coming week. I want to be strong. I want to be a bit distant myself. I always initiate plans. And when things are going well, he pushes me away. Yesterday was the first day we havent texted each other in a couple of weeks. I'm trying to occupy my time and not make him a priority. Since we have upcoming plans in 5 days, how should I approach this. (I probably shouldn;t have initiated the plans but that was before I read your article lol)...should i do NC or behavioral mirroring? Thanks so much for your time!! --NJNicole; August 10, 2013 at 5:05 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @NJNicole,
Well, I would definitely mirror him for now and if his treatment of you gets worse, then I'd do NC.

And with regards to this trip, and also from this point on moving forward - DO NOT INITIATE contact with him. Let HIM come to YOU. And when he does, DON'T jump on that call or text.

Let the call go to voicemail, return it a few hours later, and don't respond to his next text for an hour or so. Start to pull back and begin to protect yourself. When women secretly fear a man abandoning them, they tend to try harder (rush towards him) - when the reality is, they should be pulling back (drawing him towards you).

Pull back with him and from now on, let him take the lead and prove to you that he's genuinely interested. And if he fails to do that - that doesn't mean you try harder (chase him) - that means. . .you walk away from him ;-); August 11, 2013 at 10:05 AM
Michelle said...: I thought this was an excellent article! I need some help though with my specific situation. I have been dating someone for over 4 months now. We have amazing chemistry, the same values, we laugh constantly, the sex is great, he is so sweet and pays for everything, has introduced me to his closest friends and I feel lucky to have found him and I felt that he felt the same way. I live in California and he recently moved out here to start his 2nd year residency program. He started the program about six weeks ago. I'm also a graduate student with a hectic schedule. When he first moved out here I was in school and he wasn't and now I have a break before I start in September again and he is busier than ever. We used to talk all the time and since we live an hour away from each other we saw each 2-3 times a week. August came around and I started hearing from him less, still everyday but not as much. He took on more responsibilities in his residency and seemed really stressed out. He stopped making plans and insinuated he wouldn't be able to see me for the month bc work was so crazy. His birthday was also this month and he didn't invite me out until 6 that evening and then I got the feeling he didn't want me there at all so I didn't go. He didn't seem overly disappointed, just said, "You really don't want to give it a shot?" I asked him if he had anytime the next day to hang out so I could get a him a birthday drink and he said "I really don't. I feel like an idiot for taking today off because I have so much work." He then said, "this is weird, I guess I won't be seeing you for awhile, be good." because it's my break from school and I have a bunch of trips planned until the end of the month. We didn't talk for a week after that last texting convo. He texted me about something casual and I responded the next day with something casual. Not rude or short but definitely nothing to continue to engage the conversation. Now we are texting but it seems we are both not texting back right away, sometimes even days later. I really like him and I'm not sure if this is a break up. I don't know if he's over it or if he really is busy. I haven't done the needy girlfriend thing at all...or made him feel badly about being busy at work but I'm disappointed, sad and a complete ball of anxiety wondering how he feels about me, if I'll hear from him anymore, has he met someone else, will things get better after this busy August?! I just don't know, Im staying busy and want to give him the space he needs...but the waiting has become excrutiating! Help!; August 12, 2013 at 12:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Michelle,
Unfortunately dear, there's nothing that anyone can do for you to remove any ill feelings or anxiety. That's something that only YOU can help yourself with - by walking through it. There's no way around it, so you might as well embrace it and develop healthy coping skills, instead of attempting to skirt it entirely.

When you feel anxiety, stop what you're doing. Close your eyes, inhale deeply, hold it for 3 seconds, then exhale - repeat this 10 times. By the 10th time, your anxiety should begin to diminish. After that, get busy - get up and get active, don't dwell in the thoughts. So that's one way to cope with anxiety in a healthy manner.

And as afar as:

"wondering how he feels about me, if I'll hear from him anymore, has he met someone else, will things get better"

Accept that this isn't doing you any good. The best way to deal and copy is via the path of acceptance. So accept that:

1) Worry does not promote positive energy, it promotes negative energy - and like attracts like - so if you emit negative energy, all you essentially do is attract more of it to yourself.

2) Worry does not change anything.

3) Accept that nothing you can do can change this, make him love you or make him want to be with you.

And then once you've accepted the reality and forcefully switched your perspective from negative to positive - begin to move in a positive direction. Don't sit around and wait for him to decide where this is going. YOU control your destiny, you DO NOT wait on a man to guide you towards it.

Do things that make you happy, bring you peace, provide comfort to you, provide healthy distractions (like exercising to release anxiety), engage in a hobby and entertain the thought of dating others. Because it appears to me, based on his blase' attitude, that he considers this a casual dating situation and not a relationship :-( That's what his behavior and actions are signaling to you - and as a result - I would follow that lead and proceed accordingly with your life as best you can dear.

No one says it'll be easy, change never is and that's why growing pains are referred to as "pain" - but if you take small baby steps moving in the right direction, before you know it, you find your way :-); August 12, 2013 at 2:54 PM
Pisces Girl said...: God Bless you Mirror everytime i read your posts im enlightened "YOU control your destiny, you DO NOT wait on a man to guide you towards it." those are words of a wise woman spoken! I too have been guilty of sitting around waiting for a man to call or text sometimes ill catch myself staring at my phone waiting for that red blinking and this happens quite frequently throughout the day and i feel ridiculous for it. I drive myself crazy doing this just sitting and waiting and hoping he'll come around instead of being proactive and getting out there and bettering myself and trying to enhance my life -these men are living their lives and looking straight ahead making forward moves to better themselves, they arent thinking of anyone else so why do we as women waste so much precious time waiting around for them to come around and no matter how disappointed or hurt we are we still allow them to come back with our arms wide open-this teaches them that they can give us 20% and we'll still give them 100% -thats not balanced or fair. Whenever i feel anxious or depressed i take your advice and go outside and go for a walk get and get some fresh air being around nature and getting some sunshine helps me to relax. Or i just find something else to keep myself busy otherwise ill drive myself crazy-being forced to spend so much time alone isnt always easy though i do get lonely sometimes and seeing couples holding hands doing things together sometimes makes me wish i had that and then i feel like theres something wrong with me because i dont but i guess thats not for everyone and i just have to accept the reality of what is. i keep telling myself that whatever is meant to be will be so not to think so much or worry but i cant help having non restful nights with very little sleep because of it; August 12, 2013 at 4:29 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pisces Girl,
I know it's not easy. It took me about 8 years to develop the mindset I have now dear - it was a long road to haul with massive upsets, mistakes, regrets, etc. BUT - every single step was worth every ounce of confusion, pain and hardship - because I wouldn't trade the peace of mind that I now provide myself for the world.

And that's the key dear - LOVE YOURSELF, be good to yourself and lookout for yourself - because unfortunately, no one else is going to do that for you dear.

I'm going to share something with you that a very dear girlfriend shared with me this weekend. How she put it was, if you "fill" your own cup - you don't "need" someone else to provide you with life sustaining hydration - you keep yourself sustained. And when a good man comes along, you both take your full cups and you toast and enjoy each others drink ;-)

The more you love yourself, the more you "fill" up your life yourself - the "less" that's required from an outside individual, a man, to do that for you. That way, you are whole with or without another individual. . .and this provides a sense of security, which in turn, provides contentment and peace of mind dear :-)

As I said, it's not easy, you have to be willing to do the work, you must keep the faith and continue moving forward towards your goals - and anyone that genuinely cares for you - can always catch up to you even if they lagged behind a bit for a while.; August 12, 2013 at 5:16 PM
Scorpiolady said...: Dear Mirror,
I was on your site close to a year ago and right now have returned. Just wanted to share with you something that happened to me recently.
Something happened between this classmate and I. Gave him nothing except kisses. However, he was still choosing between me and his ex, and I felt that his attitude towards me was becoming colder and colder. Even when he continued to text me, the texts sounded dull and bored. I finally had enough and stopped replying. He stopped too. A week after that, his supposed "ex" tagged him on facebook, saying they were celebrating a fifth year anniversary (until then, there's nothing to suggest he's still in a relationship). A week after that, I felt like he was dropping baits for me on fb... particularly a random "hi" status and also a whiny song that sorta describes what went on between us pretty spot on, about being a "bad man" and "coming back to me". A week or so after, he sent me two texts relating to school as school was reopening. I ignored them. We have a group chat though, and he replies to the messages I leave there. I only briefly entertained him. Finally, school reopens and he suggests a group dinner, to which I did not agree and I think he didn't go too in the end. Today we finally had a lab session together but he was in a different group. So it's the first time in a few weeks I got a proper look at him, though we didn't meet eyes... A good friend who knows what's going on between us came to find me the moment he is finished and when mine is done, he egged me out of the lab; I think I would've went to talk to him/waited for him to come and talk to me if not for my friend. After thinking through, I would prefer it this way... although, my heart is really breaking right now.
Throughout the past few weeks (a total of 6 or 7 since our first kiss), I actually learnt a lot... It took a lot from me to let him go, and when I managed to it's because I realised I am a "complete" person... and I will be fine, and yknow what life can get even better in future... even without him. And I'm really trying my best to be happier, have more fun and be more fulfilled with myself (I started on yoga and meditation!). Although I do miss him, my realisation led me to refuse accepting anything less than a proper acknowledgement of what went on between us... something more than what he's doing.
And my heart is breaking because the more time passes, the more it seems like I'm not going to get it from him. But I refuse to settle for anything less than the proper treatment.
I just wanted to share this here because man, this really sucks :-(; August 13, 2013 at 7:00 AM
Unknown said...: Hi MOA! I have a question abt dumper/dumpee no contact. I met a man online and we were a 100% match. He spent lots of time w me, made plans in advance, initiated all contact, was attentive and consistent, so I ignored red flags. We dated for 2 mths and since we had become intimate, I assumed we were exclusive. I was shocked when I asked if he was seeing others and he said yes! I felt a little deceived, but employed patience. He was also constantly asking me if I love him. By 2.5 months, I reluctantly agreed, at which point the calls became rushed, attention and consistency dwindled, but our time together cont to be amazing. By our third month, I grew impatient with the change, as well as him constantly being active on the dating site (updating profile, adding pics, etc daily) and his unwillingness to DTR or progress at all. In his profile, he says he was looking for a partner and he knew I wanted a LTR. I tried talking w him in person, but he was mean and dismissive and told me he had important things to do and calling me wasn't one of them. I wound up walking out of his apt and going home, dignity in tact. He was shocked, called 10 mins later to ask if I was ok, and then - poof- disappeared. So I ended it thru email citing his sudden changes, unwillingness to be exclusive or DTR as reasons that my needs were no longer being met. I called him out on being a player, the I love you game, lying abt his intentions and still "shopping" for other women. I got a text 48 hrs later that we are still friends but he couldn't live w himself if he hurt me anymore. It was hard to let go, and being ignored was not fun, so I sent one more msg a few days later telling him how all this made me feel and that I needed some time before I could be his "friend" (bc at that point idk if he meant FWB - which I guess I was, or platonic friend and he refused to clarify) and would contact him when I process everything. Then I went NC. Today is day 2. I felt very rejected by all that happened, so idk if Im the traditional dumper. He's made no attempt to contact me, and I don't think he ever will - but Ive been wrong before. Since I technically dumped him, is it on me to initiate contact after 30 days if he remains silent? Or is it acceptable to expect the dumpee to reach out if interested in this case?; August 13, 2013 at 9:11 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Scorpiolady,
Yea, it sucks, I know. But that's life dear and sometimes, looking out for yourself is hard work.

It's much easier to do what you WANT all the time, be it right or wrong. The much more difficult path is doing what's RIGHT instead. But when you do the work and you look out for yourself properly and you don't settle for less than you deserve. . .then doing the right thing pays off in the end dear. And you also keep your dignity and pride.

Hang in there, this too shall pass - and when it does, I think you'll be very proud of yourself for handling it the way you did dear :-); August 13, 2013 at 9:31 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous August 13, 9:11AM,
"since we had become intimate, I assumed we were exclusive."

NEVER, EVER assume that sex equals commitment dear - NEVER. The only time you're in a committed relationship with a man, is when he's expressed that he wants a commitment FROM you and that he's committed TO YOU.

Many women erroneously believe that sex is going to lead to a relationship. When the reality is, nothing could be further from the truth. Sex does not equal a relationship, it equals sex, nothing more.

If you want a relationship with a man ladies, friendship first, trust me on that - slow and steady wins the race.

"I felt a little deceived"

He didn't deceive you dear, unfortunately, you deceived yourself via assumptions instead of focusing on the facts :-(

"He was also constantly asking me if I love him."

That's a BIG red flag if he's NOT saying he loves YOU.

"I needed some time before I could be his "friend"

I would NOT do this dear. You cannot back a romantic relationship down to a simple friendship, even though many believe you can. But the reality most of the time is that one of the individuals wants more, so it's never really a "friendship" anyway as one person ends up hurting and longing for the other one in a romantic way still.

"at that point idk if he meant FWB - which I guess I was, or platonic friend and he refused to clarify"

If he didn't clarify, that's because he's leaving it open - as an "option" (a sexual one).

"Since I technically dumped him, is it on me to initiate contact after 30 days if he remains silent?"

Nope. In this case, this man has to PROVE that he's GENUINELY interested. And the only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested - is to see if HE pursues HER, consistently, properly, respectfully.

"Or is it acceptable to expect the dumpee to reach out if interested in this case?"

If you do that here, you're going to walk right into a repeat of this situation all over again. If you want a relationship and you do not want to casually date - then he's not the guy dear. Because he's clearly into dating you casually, and nothing more.

Don't settle for less than you deserve and/or want in life dear. The more time you waste on him, the less time you're giving yourself to meet a man that wants what you want and that treats you well.; August 13, 2013 at 9:48 AM
Unknown said...: Continued from 9:11 am message:
Thank you so much! Even though Im 35, this is the first time Ive ever been single - huge learning curve! i learned my lesson abt assuming. BTW, I love your blog and cant stop reading it! I wanted to add that when he said he was dating others, he asked me and I said I was not. But I quickly added that I would start bc I didnt want any pressure on either of us. One night he figured I was on a date (I was actually home w my dog lol), and came by the next day, looking like he was going to cry. He was devastated about me dating others. Im a 35 yo Aries and he's a 41 Sagittarius. All drama aside, we have a great time together, but I'm concerned that he might be an online player. I started NC for ME, so if he never resurfaces, so be it . Im not waiting fir him, and I will surely take your advice. He has dated over 40 women, so I guess casual is a pattern. He also talks abt cheating n previous partners. Big sigh.....onto the next; August 13, 2013 at 10:01 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous August 13, 10:01AM,
If he's dated 40 women dear, imagine how many he's slept with? He's pretty damn close to a man whore, which can be par for the course with many Sag men, LOL. They're the untamed "maverick" of the zodiac, the wild mustang that must run free.

Dating 40 women, I'm assuming in a somewhat short time span online, is a LOT of women dear and is a clearly cut and defined pattern of what is commonly termed a "serial dater" - folks who just date around but never settle down as it's the new experience they're after - and not the relationship.

And if you throw in a pattern and past history of cheating on top of all that serial dating - this guy is CLEARLY NOT relationship material dear. Some folks are, some folks aren't. And there's nothing wrong with that, it's not about right or wrong. It's about finding a compatible match for yourself. So if you're NOT a serial dater, there is absolutely no need to settle for one :-); August 13, 2013 at 10:09 AM
AriesSweetheart said...: MOA,
I posted the 9:11 am question abt the Sag. I went for a tarot card and psychic reading by my fav lady. She said he would definitely contact me, and he did within an hour of the reading through facebook. He answered a question I asked prior to NC. The answer was, "of course, baby." I couldnt remember the question bc being the impulsive ram that I am, I deleted it. Without even thinking, I wrote him back on fb asking him if he could tell me the question I asked. I was headed out the door, and called. WTH was I thinking??? Despite the warm tone of the note, he didnt answer or call back (2hours ago). And I know he has phone bc I called from a diff # using my special app and he answered! I hung up immediately. I just dont get it! our signs are a perfect match, but I often feel like he's intentionally trying to frustrate me. Oh, and the 40 women he dated was over adulthood - before and after marriage - still appalling lol. Im so mad at myself for messing up! I just really didn't expect him to reach out at all. This is the weeknight we always spend together too :-( Im not going to send my usual bratty, "never mind" text. Will NC get easier??? I also read your Aries Men blog. Do you have any suggestions for dealing w female Aries anxiety and impulsivity? Now Im a nervous mess.; August 13, 2013 at 6:50 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous, August 13, 6:50AM,
No contact means no contact AND no response dear - for 30 days. Jumping on the first text and then jumping on the phone immediately after is responding ;-)

You need to NOT take action on your anxieties. Instead, sit down, close your eyes, inhale deeply, hold it for 3 seconds, then exhale. Repeat this process 10 times. By the 10th time, the anxiety begins to dissipate. Afterwards, get up and get active, distract the mind.; August 14, 2013 at 9:10 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi. I'm not sure if this applies for this situation. I went out with this man that I hang out with once in a while.. Maybe monthly and we text on the phone weekly.well I was always interested in him but I was thinking he only saw me as a friend and I was ok with that cuz he was cool to talk to and fun to hang out with. Well we went out the other night (he always pays) but then what was different was we went to his house to watch tv and by the end of the night we were intimate. I stayed the night and left in the morning when he went to work. He was nice and gave me a sweet hug goodbye. I mean now I'm not sure... Do I wait for him to contact me now? Do I act normal? I'm not sure what he's thinking.. I don't know... Should there be no contact on my part here? Just wondering... I don't know what he's thinking either and I don't want him to think I think it was a mistake cuz I don't... Just ur input please if it's appropriate to this discussion. Thanks; August 15, 2013 at 9:20 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous August 15, 9:20AM,
Sit tight dear. Do not let the anxiety get the best of you by creating a feeling of needing to "do" something. You don't need to "do" anything here. All you need to do is carry on, remain calm and take a step back - permit him to take a step forward here and let HIM guide the relationship along. Let HIM be the leader here.

All you need to do is hang back and OBSERVE his behavior. See where HE is going to LEAD this and then listen to what his ACTIONS in doing so (or not doing so) are actually "telling" you ;-); August 15, 2013 at 10:58 AM
Emmybear said...: Ms. Mirror,
I have been seeing this guy on and off and now I think I'm starting to fall for him. We're not in a serious relationship but I would eventually like to be at some point. I recently found out he's been talking other women which is okay, but I also found myself getting a little jealous. These last few days I've been ignoring his texts because of it; I don't want to say anything mean to him regarding the other women but I also don't want to be just another girl to him. What is the right way to go about the situation without being hostile or passive aggressive? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated! Thanks so much!; August 15, 2013 at 2:25 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA, I love your site! My BF broke up with me after dating 2yrs, he said he no longer wanted to be in a serious relationship as he needed to slow things down. He said he wants to focus more on his career. I am so hurt and dont know what to do because I love him. He says he loves me too but right now he just wants to slow things down a little. I ask did he want to date anyone else and he says he doesnt even have time to date me so why would he date anyone else. I am confused, why did I not see this coming? I was angry and told him not to call me anymore because I love him so much that I cannot just go from being in a committed relationship to just being a casual friend so I told him not to call me anymore and he said he couldnt believe I could be so cold so I haven't heard from him in 3weeks, I guess because he's waiting for me to contact me. I refuse to call him because I believe a man should pursue a woman, however I cry everyday as my heart is broken.What do I do? Should I continue hoping for reconcillation or should I move on? Thank you Jordan.; August 15, 2013 at 2:48 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Emmybear,
"What is the right way to go about the situation without being hostile or passive aggressive?"

You don't "do" anything here dear. Let go of the feeling that you need to "do" something in order to make this work. Nothing you do or say can magically propel this situation forward - it has to happen naturally, organically, and it has to happen because BOTH parties want it.

The reality is that you can't say a thing to him about this or the other women. . .until he's ASKED you for a commitment and you are exclusive.

If that makes you uncomfortable and/or you don't like that idea, then you don't try harder to pound a round peg into a square hole - you don't WAIT for a man to decide if he's interested or not.

Instead, you proactively take control of your happiness and YOU make a CHOICE for yourself - and if you decide that a situation like this isn't going to make you happy, you don't try harder, you don't try to change him or the situation. . .you use your free will and YOU make a CHOICE to REMOVE yourself from the situation.

You can't control others dear - but you CAN control your reaction to them :-); August 15, 2013 at 4:22 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous August 15, 2:48PM,
"I cannot just go from being in a committed relationship to just being a casual friend so I told him not to call me anymore and he said he couldn't believe I could be so cold"

These guys like this are something else, LOL. YOU are cold when you decide you're too hurt by HIS ACTIONS to continue a friendship. . .yet HE doesn't view HIS breaking off the relationship after two years without warning as cold? LOL, whatever.

That's manipulation dear. Plain and simple - it's emotional manipulation and he's using guilt as a tool to create a situation for himself where he can have his "cake and eat it too" (i.e. date others, but have you on standby waiting around as a potential full time girlfriend or F buddy while he's off finding himself.)

Sorry - doesn't work that way. There are CONSEQUENCES to all of our decisions and as human beings, none of us are immune to them.

And the consequence to his decision to call off the relationship is - NO ACCESS TO YOU. You don't reward poor treatment with your attention, affection and continued friendship.

Instead, you do what's best for YOURSELF and you let HIM experience the consequences of HIS OWN DECISION:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html; August 15, 2013 at 4:27 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA,

Thank you so much, that's exactly why I told him to not call me anymore. It is manipulation because I was starting to think that I was being cold by not contacting him because we've been together 2yrs. I appreciate your response and all your advice, your website is great and is helping me during my time of grieving.; August 15, 2013 at 8:42 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,
First of all, congratulations on your blog. You are giving fantastic advice for women (and men)! I hope you can help me keep strong as well. 2 1/2 months ago, in my 1st online dating experience, I met a guy with whom I hit it off really well from an "intellectual chemisty" point of view. We also shared a "quirkiness" that made me think we were kindred spirits. Most of our contact was done through daily texts, in the afternoon and at night (before and after he went to work) so we really had a "textationship" instead of a relationship. Even so, we did meet up 5x, the 3rd time being intimate (big mistake I now know). Btw, after our dates he would do a disappearing act for a day, then text again like normal. Also we did not have much sexual chemistry, it´s true but I thought that would grow/improve over time since we connected so well on all other levels. During the 2 1/2 months, I was out of the country for 3 weeks but we still texted every day, various times. We had only 1 date after I got back. 2 days later, he texted me to say that although he thought I was funny and smart, that there was a lack of chemistry and that he didn´t see any future for us as a couple. He said that he liked chatting with me and wanted to stay as friends, that I was sweet and that he was sorry that I was upset, and that we could see each other once I had had time to process all of this (on that remark, I told him not to patronize me...the nerve!). 2 days later I texted him in our normally friendly way but he was giving brief answers so I told him if he preferred that I not contact him anymore, to just say so. He answered with a normal text not addressing what I said at all and then we said goodnight. Since then we have had no further contact. I am doing the No Contact rule and I guess he his too but I really miss his friendship. I really don´t want a romantic relationship because there was no chemistry that way, but I miss the intellectual back and forth.....And I think he should miss me since I seemed to be his only friend (he seems to be a loner and somewhat depressed at the moment due to an ex and problems with his business)......So what should I do? How do I get the friendship back? Many thanks MOA!; August 16, 2013 at 6:22 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous August 16, 6:22AM,
There's nothing you can do sweetie :-(

Relationships of any kind, friendship, romantic or otherwise, are two way streets - that BOTH parties must WANT to travel.

You can't force friendship on him, he has to want it too. And I imagine that when he told you you could talk once you processed this - I honestly think that was HIM projecting that HE wanted some space. And that falls in line with him generally not positively responding to your communication - I'm not sure he was ready :-(

I'd suggest pulling way back, cease initiating communication, and let him come to you. He may be acting awkward right now due to guilt, embarrassment, maybe he's moving on - you just don't know. But the harder you try, the more he may pull back. So instead, you pull back and see if that draws him towards you. If it doesn't, then you accept that there is no friendship there and move on, as unfortunate as that may be :-(; August 16, 2013 at 8:59 AM
Anonymous said...: Please, I need advice. I have been conversing with this man for a year now and we've talked a little bit about the future. I recently asked him where the whole thing was going because I didn't want to continue to hold on to him if I'm the only one with this notion of "us". I told him that it would be alright with me if his intentions were not the same as mine, and that I would respect his decision. But I would appreciate it if he would let me know. (as I feel it would be the honorable and respectable thing to do.)

He hasn't given me an answer and it's been a little over a week. I don't contact him as much as I have in the past, for he doesn't respond to my calls or texts. He almost always acknowledges them and gets back to me. We have not had any fights before this.

This is the first time I presented a question like that and a couple of my friends say I came off as needy and emotionally high maintenance. But I presented that question in a very calm but serious manner. I mean after a year don't you think one would deserve to know where each other stands?

Then some of my other friends (2 which are male) tell me that no I don't come off as needy because he knew from the get go that I'm not running around here "loose" and that after a year of conversing with being intimate only recently, he should be able to tell me...not hide and avoid me.

Should I reach out to him one more time, either by phone or leave a voice mail briefly but firmly stating that I'd hope we;d be able to talk and discuss it on a mature level and not just avoid it. Or leave it alone because he (I hope) has gotten my messages.

I know it's only been 1.5 weeks but should I give him more time or just completely go dark now? I know he has a busy work schedule bc he works two jobs and has joint custody of his kids (ages 13 and 18 and their mom likes to do her own thing) but I would've thought he would at least tell me he has got my messages like he always has. I sent him a text yesterday just to ask how he and his kids were doing. No response.

I even deactivated my FB page bc I just didn't want any reminders of him right now or to see his face. And I read about your no contact regarding social media. Meaning I should not let him see me either.

I always thought of him as a mature man, being able to handle a question like that.

Should I give it time but just keep going about my life.

Please advise me. The silence really does hurt. I am willig to accept and hear an answer I don't want to hear. I'd have to respect it, but it's just hat all I want to hear is something.; August 16, 2013 at 2:16 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous August 15, 2:16PM,
"I recently asked him where the whole thing was going because I didn't want to continue to hold on to him if I'm the only one with this notion of "us"."

I don't bother to have these "talks" with men because it just provides them an opportunity to:

1) Lie to you
2) Tell you what you want to hear and continue to string you along

Instead of waiting for a MAN to TELL you where this is going and then placing the decision about your future squarely into his hands - be proactive and take control of your own happiness.

A year is plenty of time to observe a man's behavior and treatment of you and whether or not he can make you happy. So if a year into it, that's not happening and he's treating you poorly, taking you for granted, etc. You DON'T look to him to change and you DON'T ask HIM where it's going - instead, YOU make a CHOICE and YOU take CONTROL and YOU tell HIM that this isn't working, he's not making you happy - and YOU move on.

"He hasn't given me an answer and it's been a little over a week."

"he doesn't respond to my calls or texts"

You don't need an answer from him. THAT IS your answer right there - ignore his WORDS, focus on his ACTIONS (or lack thereof) and decide for YOURSELF.

Clearly, he doesn't care. . .so now, what are YOU going to do about it, ya' know?

"Should I reach out to him one more time, either by phone or leave a voice mail briefly but firmly stating that I'd hope we;d be able to talk and discuss it on a mature level and not just avoid it."

If he didn't care to respond the first time, he's not going to care the second time. Don't bother needing to hear his WORDS - instead pay attention to his ACTIONS because they're speaking loud and clear here :-(

Don't contact him or you're only going to signal to him that you're waiting around for him - and that gives him the opportunity to continue to take advantage of you.

You don't wait on a man to decide your future. YOU decide your future for yourself. And if the man isn't making you happy, you accept that as the reality and then proceed accordingly. You don't give him another opportunity to ignore you.

"should I give him more time or just completely go dark now?"

He ignores you - so I see no problem with you doing the same. When people treat you disrespectfully - you do NOT try harder, instead, you walk.

"I sent him a text yesterday just to ask how he and his kids were doing. No response."

He clearly has no problem doing the same to you :-(

"The silence really does hurt."

Exactly. So why do you wish to even continue a relationship with a man that only brings you pain, treats you disrespectfully and takes you for granted?

You get what you give in this world dear - and if he's dishing out a painful silence, then a painful silence is what he shall receive back, ya' know?; August 16, 2013 at 2:52 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi again MOA,

You gave me great feedback on mirroring his behavior and stop initiating contact if he's taking me for granted. Unfortunately, I tried and I failed. I get so scared that I will push him further away. However, I wake up in the middle of the night, feeling so angry at times that he treats me this way. i.e. goes away most weekends with friends and I am not invited.He could go days without contacting me and we see each other between 1-3 times a week. At the same time, he has feelings for me. When I'm with him, he's absolutely wonderful. The issue is that this man is a commitmentphobe; not a jerk but someone with very serious commitment issues. He was always up front with me that he does not want a commitment. We dated and fell in love 4 years ago and broke up for the same reason. Now he came back in my life after my father's passing and I thought maybe things would be different. Would you at this point recommend officially ending this or to try to mirror/ distance myself and see if hell come to me? It's been 7 months this time around and weve been getting closer and went away for a weekend afterwhich, he started to push me away. I wish I could say that he's a jerk or a bad guy because I think it would be easier to know that he's disrespecting me. With a committmentphobe, it's way more confusing. I'm 34; he's 39 and I wanted to see how we would do for the remainder of the year. But some days I dont know how much more I could take. Thank you again for your time MOA. xoxo NJNicole; August 17, 2013 at 10:37 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @NJNicole,
Well dear, careful making excuses for him. I've heard men say, "There's no such thing as a commitment phobe. A man WILL commit to the right women when she comes along because he doesn't want anyone else to have her." And I've seen men who tell women they don't want a relationship - turn around and marry the next woman that comes along. It happens dear :-(

When you attempt a relationship with a man and he's not asking you for a commitment after a length of time - move on, because he never will. And if he tells you up front he doesn't want a commitment right now, and you continue to date him under the assumption that will change - regretfully, you cannot hold him accountable for that when it turns out - he doesn't want a commitment with you.

You have to take responsibility for your happiness dear. You don't sit around and wait for a man to hand that to you or for him to decide if he likes you or not. You don't hand that decision over to a man like that and give away all your power to him - YOU make that decision for YOURSELF.

And you take control by filtering men and "qualifying" them as "dateable" versus non-dateable. So if a man tells you he doesn't want a commitment, you don't deceive yourself into thinking he'll eventually want one with you and you don't try harder to pound a round peg into a square hole. Instead, YOU decide for YOURSELF that this man ISN'T dateable. You want a relationship, he does not. As a result, this man qualifies as "undateable" for you. He's not a match and you don't waste your precious time and energy trying to change that or him.

Don't wait for him to decide if he wants to be with you or not. Instead, YOU decide that HE ISN'T RIGHT FOR YOU - and you move on dear. Move on and find a man that wants what you want and that is willing to make you happy. You deserve that, so don't waste any more of your precious energy on anyone that doesn't want what you want out of life. You've had two rounds with this man and in each of them, nothing has changed. Accept it for what it is and save yourself any further heartache :-(; August 19, 2013 at 10:01 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror

I need some advice. I fell for a guy I work with and we hit a few bumps along he road. A couple weeks ago I had finally had enough and started to use NC on him. Even though we have to see eachother everyday at work, I started ignoring him unless it was work related. I also stopped making eye contact with him. So here's the thing... this morning, after 2 weeks of NC, he came to my desk and apologized for everything that has gone on between us. He looked me square in the eyes and I believe it was pretty heart felt. Now I'm not sure how to handle things. I do want a relationship with him but I don't know how to proceed. I want to give him a second chance but don't want to rush into anything. Now that he has apologized, I don't know what to do? I want him to know that even though I appreciate his apology, his behaviour was still unacceptable and just because he apologized, I don't want to go running back to him. If we are going to try again, I want to do this right and set standards.

What do I do now?

Thanks!!; August 19, 2013 at 10:11 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous August 19, 10:11AM,
YOU don't DO anything dear. You let that feeling of anxiety that drives the need for you to feel that you have to "do" something here pass.

"I want him to know that even though I appreciate his apology, his behaviour was still unacceptable and just because he apologized, I don't want to go running back to him."

You don't have to say that in WORDS to signal that to him. Instead, you let your ACTIONS speak. Action is the language of men, they hear it loud and clear. By NOT DOING ANYTHING, you ARE signaling to him that this WASN'T okay. Get what I'm saying?

"I don't want to go running back to him."

Which is why you don't DO anything here. YOU let HIM PROVE himself to you FIRST (HE has to take ACTION with YOU).

"I don't know how to proceed."

It's not up to YOU to move this forward. It's up to HIM to do that and to PROVE himself to you.

All you have to do is decide whether or not to respond to his ACTIONS dear ;-); August 19, 2013 at 11:00 AM
Anonymous said...: Oh, Mirror, it's a glorious day!

The Libra Guy reappeared, LOL.

He didn't reply my iMessage for close to 4 months, possibly because I didn't reciprocate his affections and just talked about friend-like topics.

He reappeared today, but he didn't reply my message... he added me as a friend on Google+.

I don't understand why he would add me to G+ since his gf is also a friend on there.

Maybe he's curious about whether I have a bf or not - based on the cute picture I put up recently which looks like I'm in love. ;-)

If his initial reason for ignoring my message was that I didn't give him the attention/affection he wanted - why would he come back MONTHS later, to try to test the waters?

Do you think this is his way trying to break me down? It's kind of lame.

Vivian; August 19, 2013 at 3:53 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vivian,
It could be several different reasons, but this guy, without realizing it, is showing you just how much he is NOT to be trusted, LOL. I mean, he has a girlfriend and he's constantly behaving as a single man - it doesn't add up, ya' know?

And I also believe he's insecure, which would fall in line with his need to circle back and prove to himself that he can garner your attention at will. And again, that insecurity, as you can see here, makes insecure men very dangerous territory to consider for a single woman - as they generally have a very hard time being faithful in relationships, due to a heavy need for female attention from various sources. It's all the female attention that makes them feel manly - and one women is generally NOT enough to feed that heavy of a need. It usually takes several.

So at this point, I'm honestly not sure if his intentions are specifically related to you personally. . .or if he's doing this with a multitude of women on a regular rotation - to "feed the need" if you will :-(

He's attempting to stay on your radar, that's for sure - but whether or not you're the only woman he's doing this with - I do not know. And it wouldn't surprise me if there were more regretfully :-(

I know that isn't what you wanted to hear and I apologize for that. But this guys clearly sneaky, sneaking around his girlfriends back like this all the time. I'm quite sure she'd be shocked and incredibly disappointed to hear of this as I imagine he's done a pretty good job of making her feel like she's the only woman (I believe he's a charmer).

Just be careful with this one dear - he's already shown you his true colors in a relationship. . .so just be thankful that the girl he's doing all of this behind the scenes stuff with. . .isn't you, ya' know?; August 19, 2013 at 5:30 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you for a dose of reality, Mirror.

You're right that he may just be rotating through women, and I happen to be the ultimate challenge since I don't give in to his insecure need for attention and affection.

I'll be visiting his city next month, and I wished he wasn't such a shady untrustworthy person - because he's really quite charming and fun in person, and it would be nice to meet him for a quick coffee.

Don't worry mirror, I have learned valuables lessons about NC and consequences from you, so there's no way in hell I will be adding him as a friend or even meeting him.

But...I have been tempted to reach out and let his gf know about all this, or even simply ask if the guy on the dating site is her bf. Do you think it's appropriate?

I asked some gf's about this, and they think I shouldn't until I become friends with her down the road (we'll both end up at the same tech parties at some point, plus we have mutual friends).

A part of me feels - IF she really is in the dark about what libra guy has been doing... I would want someone to tell me if I was in her position. It would hurt like hell, yes, but I'd rather know.

Or should I just butt out as it's none of my business?

Vivian; August 19, 2013 at 6:47 PM
Anonymous said...: Aphrodite,

I'm Anonymous August 15, 2:16PM.

By me asking this man (please read my post if you can again, to get the background info.), where this is going. Here's what I said "I'd like to know where this is going. If you don't have intentions of taking it further than I'd be ok and respect that. But I'd appreciate it if you'd let me know." I was calm and not shaky in my voice or crying.

A friend of mine told me I put pressure on him by bringing that up. But after I year I thought I should be able to know...I mean I do have two young children to think about and have big dreams as far as my future and career goes. That's why (she said) he was turned off and thinks I'm needy and emotionally high-maintenance.

Hi disappeared before for almost 30 days and I did not contact him. The reason he disappeared? I'm ont sure as to everything seemed fine before then. I am a very calm person and under pressure I rarely crack. When I'm angry I don't even shout or curse. When I did ask him what was up, he said he just had a whole lot of family stuff going on. After that I did ask him about his interested level as I felt it was genuine, but felt he is only half-interested. And if that was the case, then I would respect that but I'm in the season of wanting something serious, beautiful and profound. So he has known that. In that time, he seemed to get scared that I was really thinking about dropping him....this was about 4 months ago.

So why this type of reaction, now?

I'm jsut trying to learn about this experience as much as I can so I can make sure it doesn't happen again in the future.

I did contact him one last time and kept it brief and short and basically told him that I don't know if silence is how he handles it or if there is something going on (like an emergency with one of his kids). I also included that I had faith he would verbally communicate any change to me, ecause it would be the respectable thing to do, as I would do the same for him. I ended with this isn't cool and I know my value and worth--I don't deserve to be treated this way.

Again, it was done in a very calm tone of voice. I am confident he got it. But just wanted him to know, hey this is not cool and I know better.

I'm just curious. Do they try to come back months down the road?

His son goes to the same school as my very good friend's daughter and they are both graduating in May. I'm pretty sure I will see him because the graduating class has only 105 students.

What's your advice is he tries to check on me?

What should I do/not do when we see each other at the graduation?

I'm sticking with my no contact, not only bc he is ignoring me, but to heal and move forward. I invested emotionally in him...for a year.

My guy cousin told me to play the game. (ignoring game) My guy friend told me to "try him" by ignoring him, too.

I already deactivated my FB account, and have not checked his FB page.

I should remain to keep him from seeing what's going on in my life, right? That means do not let him see new profile pics, etc.

I just want to be wise in all of this.

Thanks in advance for your advice and wisdom.; August 19, 2013 at 10:45 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vivian,
I think I'd let this play out naturally on it's own - he'll make a mistake eventually and he'll get caught. That's the nature of the beast and it's only a matter of time before things hidden in the dark are forced into the light of day.

The other thing to consider is that if you do this, you'll be forced to deal with him, to face him in one way or another - which could be incredibly uncomfortable and awkward for you.

Besides, if you have mutual friends in common, I imagine that once you share what he's been up to with you - it will eventually work it's way back to her through these mutual friends. Get my drift here, LOL ;-); August 20, 2013 at 11:39 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous August 15, 2:16PM,
"I'd like to know where this is going. If you don't have intentions of taking it further than I'd be ok and respect that. But I'd appreciate it if you'd let me know." I was calm and not shaky in my voice or crying."

It really doesn't matter how you package a "talk" like this because to a man (you need to understand that men process things differently than women) - because any way you slice it, it amounts to the almighty dreaded "talk." And it's the single most common reason that men put on their running shoes.

When women initiate the "talk," men generally have a tendency to put on their running shoes and beat feet for the street as it does equate to "pressure" for them - relationship pressure.

It's much better to ignore the WORDS and look to a man's ACTIONS for that answer instead. If you've been dating for 6-8 months and HE is not asking YOU for a relationship - then that's your cue to move on. You don't need to hear it from him in words because all you do is present him with an opportunity to lie to you or simply tell you what you want to hear so that he can continue to string you along and remove himself from the uncomfortable confrontation quickly.

I mean think about it. . .read the stories here on this site and see how many share experiences of having a "talk" with men - that end with the man being brutally honest and upfront. Or ask your girlfriends how many times a "talk" has resulted in success (i.e. the man was honest and follows through with all his promises and everyone lives happily ever after).

It very rarely, if ever, ends that way. As a matter of fact, the exact opposite happens and that's when the man does a serious pull back on the relationship instead.

And this is because men are DIFFERENT from women. Women LOVE to have "talks" - men despise it. So you can't take something that you, yourself as a woman, would desire and then project that onto the man, thinking it's what HE desire also. Because it isn't, he's a man and he's different from you, because you're a woman.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results. And "talks" just simply do not work with men. When you want to communicate with a man and be "heard," you need to speak their language. And their language is one of ACTION, not TALK. (When a man wants out, he doesn't "talk" about it, instead he just takes ACTION and disappears.)

Cont. . .; August 20, 2013 at 11:57 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "I did contact him one last time and kept it brief and short and basically told him that I don't know if silence is how he handles it"

Exactly - SILENCE is ACTION. Men don't "talk" like women and share, share, share every little thing that's going on inside. Instead, they take ACTION.

"But just wanted him to know, hey this is not cool and I know better."

You don't have to TELL him that. You SHOW him that via your ACTIONS. If he's treating you poorly, you pull back and you go silent (as he does) if you want to be "heard" with men - and you cease making yourself available to them and you begin using no contact (no response).

And MEN know EXACTLY what THAT means - it's their language and they "hear" that loud and clear.

"Do they try to come back months down the road?"

Yep. Months and even years later.

"What's your advice is he tries to check on me?
What should I do/not do when we see each other at the graduation?"

Use the suggestion in this article and initiate no contact (and that means NO RESPONSE as well).

If he wants this, he'll "hear" what you're "saying" there by NOT saying anything at all.

Women have a tendency to feel the need to "do" things to move the relationship forward and nothing could be farther from the truth.

If you want to "do" something - then do NOTHING. Because with men, by doing nothing. . .you ARE DOING SOMETHING.; August 20, 2013 at 11:57 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MoA,
you are doing a great job on this blog. I have a question for you too. It is about my best friend. She has been dating a player for several months. She has been smart and they have not been fully intimite yet and he wants her. She had strongs feelings for him in the begining phase of their relationship but now she wants to get out. He is quite arrogant, not towards her, but in general, and towards her he has been slightly disrespectful several times. He has never said sorry. She has tolerated his behaviour but now she feels she has had enough.The pattern repeats over and over again. They meet, have a nice time. She hopes next time it will develop into something deeper but next time he pulls back or is disrespectful. Last time they met he behaved like a gentleman and she was going to give it another chance. On second thoughts, she has decided to end it. What is your opinion as to how to end it? Is disappearance appropriate? Or is it disrespectful after the time they have been dating? He has never disappeared on her. She is afraid that if she meets him in person, he will be nice, she will fall for him again and the cycle will repeat. Her main concern is that when they last met, everything was okay, he was nice and polite. If she disappeared now, would he understand why? What is your insight? She does not want to be cruel, they have had happy moments together. Also, she is not quite sure she wants to end it but she feels there is no other option.
Thanks in advance for your reply.; August 20, 2013 at 1:51 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous August 20, 1:51PM,
"Is disappearance appropriate? Or is it disrespectful after the time they have been dating?"

You get what you give in this world dear and all is fair in love and war. Karma exists and you reap what you sow. And clearly, he has sown oats of disrespect towards her, "he has been slightly disrespectful several times." Therefore, if the harvest he's grown produces a crop of disrespect aimed towards him - that's HIS fault, not HERS - she didn't plant those seeds and make that fair game - he did.

We all have to do hard things in life and make difficult choices for ourselves. If you make decisions in your life based on the needs of others - YOU will not find happiness for yourself - because your focus is on "others" and not on "self." If you make decisions in life based on YOUR NEEDS, then you have much better odds of success at happiness for YOURSELF.

Breaking up is hard to do and have to make hard decisions that are in YOUR best interests when doing so. Otherwise, you live your life being a caretaker for others - and not one for yourself. If you're not living your life being a caretaker for yourself, who's going to do that for you? No one. YOU have to take responsibility for your happiness and make hard choices and proceed accordingly towards your goal - happiness for YOURSELF. Life is fraught with disappointment and suffering and none of us are immune to it.

And those that have NOT considered YOU when making their decisions - DO NOT deserve YOUR consideration when you're doing the same for yourself.

"She is afraid that if she meets him in person, he will be nice, she will fall for him again and the cycle will repeat."

Well, she can't take a victim mentality, one of "I'm helpless, I have no control." She DOES have control, she needs to learn how to exert it and she needs to get comfortable saying "no:"

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

Instead of willingly and easily becoming a victim to his charms as if she has no control, she needs to learn to take control for herself. If she falls for his charms each time, that's not his fault, that's something SHE needs to work on about herself, ya' know?

"If she disappeared now, would he understand why?"

Re-read the article to grasp an understanding of the psychological thought process that kicks in when someone disappears on you (It applies to the Law of Scarcity, which is a human tendency and is effectively used in marketing every single day: http://ezinearticles.com/?Understanding-the-Law-of-Scarcity&id=184783). It's the SAME EXACT process that women experience when a man disappears on them, "What happened? What did I do wrong? Why are they not speaking to me?"

If it works for him, there's no reason it can't work to her advantage in the same manner - she just needs to drop the fear, not be a victim and instead, take control, stand confident, be strong, think of herself here - and be bold enough to attempt it.

Because the reality here is that it's not HIM that's keeping her in this unhappy situation - it's HER FEAR that is (fear of offending him, fear of upsetting him, fear of hurting him, fear of disrespecting him, fear of being seen as cruel to him - it's all about HIM right now - when it should be about HER. She's looking out for him - but who's looking out for HER?).

If she lets go of the fear - she will find her strength.; August 20, 2013 at 4:44 PM
Scorpiolady said...: Dear Mirror,

I'm back with updates (although there's no 'update' if you get what I mean ;-)...)!
If you recall, last week I was able to avoid this guy in school... but since lessons have officially started, although I know it's best to continue to employ NC with him, I find I'd really have to go out of my way to avoid him... we have the same timetable (applied for the exact same timetable before shit was revealed) and after all, we are in the same clique. So I just let things be, hanging out in my clique as per normal i.e. see him from time to time.
I didn't especially pay attention to him, but just make a bit of light chit chat with him. I still feel a bit awkward and shy around him... having to pretend as if nothing happened when we had kissed and got touchy touchy... but I'm slowly overcoming the awkwardness, naturally! Actually he seems awkward about it too.

One good thing about seeing him face to face and interacting as a group is realising that I no longer have much feelings left for him... He didn't give me love in the first place, so I didn't fall in love with him. I am not even sure what the feelings residing in my heart are (desire, nostalgia, anger, sadness...?)... but I am sure these will tide away soon. Interacting with him daily as normal friends, and being happy nonetheless makes me realise I don't need him at all.

Interesting point to note - although I actively seek out happiness and am having fun nowsadays, when he was around yesterday, I don't feel so happy and actually feel a bit repressed. It's almost like I naturally want to avoid talking to him. When he's gone, I notice it in myself something in my chest lifts and I go about my usual ways. I WANT to be as normal with him around too, but something in me just don't let me... and making small talk with him is really an effort on my part because I want things to remain civil between us, and mostly I want to show him I'm 'unaffected' and really cool, yknow? ;-)

I guess I just have to let things progress normally... I remind myself of what you always advice the ladies, Mirror, that I need to get rid of the feeling that I HAVE to do something. I don't have to do anything... not even adjust my coldness in my heart toward him.

Ah, these days I can feel both happy and sad at the same time! It's a bit unreal. Happy because life is going well, sad because it's without him nonetheless.

Sometimes I am curious about that ex/girlfriend of his. I have a hunch things aren't so peachy... and if anything at all, it's because she's now hanging on to him.

Anyhow, I'd just like to share this here... need a bit of a rant. And I'd like to hear what you think about this, Mirror, am I doing the right thing?

Oh, I have a close guy friend (my friend is a good guy... one whose advice was the turning point for me to let this guy walk) and yesterday night, he was hearing a girl out... she broke up with her boyfriend two months ago and according to my friend, she was crying, bawling. And one thing he kept saying about it: it was scary.

Lol! Just another example of how guys view displays of emotion :-P; August 21, 2013 at 10:49 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Scorpiolady,
Yes LOL, overly emotional displays from women can scare the hell out of a lot of men. But more than that, I believe they're simply confused by them, by the complexity of it all. When men catch a glimpse of how a woman's mind works and all of the nitty gritty details she explores over and over again and just how much time and energy and placed into these thought processes - it's overwhelming to them and truthfully, they kind of look at it like a big waste of time and energy.

And I think you're doing the right thing. Have you noticed that once you drop the fear and cease attempting to control the situation by "doing" things to move it along in some way - that feelings of peace and contentment suddenly wash over you? And that by taking a step back to gain some clarity. . .usually results in you wondering why the hell you did all that in the first place, LOL? Because many times, as you've said, you find you don't even really want him anymore anyway to an extent. Or at the very least, you learn to live without him and be okay with that.

And that is the reason why I always advocate that women keep a healthy distance in budding relationships, to remain clear of thought, and to not let emotions cloud their perception. It's actually much healthier for the woman to proceed that way and quite honestly, it more closely matches the pace at which many men prefer to proceed as well. Many women want to zip right into a relationship with a man and this backfires and their emotions begin to cloud things and then they act out on those clouded, fluctuating, unstable emotions - and the whole thing blows up before it even started.

When you keep a healthy distance, you keep your clarity, you keep your emotions in check, you keep your thought processes clear and you give the relationship enough space to grow organically (i.e. NO ONE has to necessarily DO anything because things are naturally falling into place as they should.); August 21, 2013 at 11:01 AM
Anonymous said...: I've been dating a man for over a year now. We're both over 50 and he's been actually talking about us moving in together. I've noticed over the past few months though that I didn't hear from him on Monday nights or would hear from him earlier in the day on Mondays. The past few weeks I don't hear from him on Mondays period, except maybe an early text. There's always an excuse, fixed someone's doorbell, fixed a friend's clogged drain, etc. It's only on Monday's that this happens. What should I think? Should I back off when this happens? For how long? I don't like playing games but something doesn't feel right.; August 21, 2013 at 7:02 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous, August 21, 7:02PM,
If you're noticing a pattern, then it appears there's a distraction or commitment of some sort taking place for him on Mondays that he hasn't shared with you for whatever reason.

Yes, this could be another woman with broken doorbells and clogged drains, however, a Monday evening seems a rather odd day of the week for that type of thing. To me, it almost seems more likely that he's doing something (going to a meeting of some sort or belongs to a group of some sort or is taking on side jobs possibly or meeting with friends) on Mondays that's. . .how do I want to put it. . .it's something that's got a set schedule in place.

And if your gut is chiming, then you should listen.

Do you know all of these friends with broken doorbells and clogged drains? I mean, when he says this, are the people he's claiming to be with people you know? Or is he being vague about that as well?

You could pull back here. You could make yourself unavailable to him the following day, on Tuesdays. And when he confronts you about your unusual absence on Tuesdays, that is your open door to discuss his odd Mondays. You can confront him right away about the Mondays, but as you've already seen, he may just BS his way out of it.

However, if YOU give HIM something to THINK about first (YOUR absence), I imagine it'll become a different story and YOU will have HIM wanting to talk OPENLY all of a sudden about the topic of "absence." And if HE wants the truth from YOU, he's going to have to be prepared to grant that to you as well.; August 22, 2013 at 9:26 AM
Anonymous said...: This is Anonymous Aug 20, 1:51PM

@MoA,
I and my friend are very grateful to you for all your wisdom and support. As you say, it is very important to get rid of "victim mentality" and put oneself in the first place. I hope my friend will pluck up the courage and follow your advice.; August 22, 2013 at 12:30 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

So an update for you...I wasn't happy with how he's been distancing himself from me, we've been arguing for a couple of weeks, and he has continued to distance himself instead of putting forth any effort. But I did always think he cared about me so when I spoke up about how he makes time for everything but me, I didn't think he would cut me off, which is what he did. And now I'm a mess. One week of barely functioning and hardly being able to work. I texted him about 3 days ago and he said he thinks we need to be apart for a while. I asked if that means Ill never see him again and that I guess I wanted some kind of reassurance that we can hang out one day with no stress. He said yes we can but he ws thinking along the lines of a couple of months rahter than a couple of weeks. I have not texted him since that day 3 days ago and I'm losing my mind. I feel like if only I kept my mouth shut and didnt argue with him. I want to try to do the nc thing but I am afraid that he will completely forget me. This is after seeing each other for 7 months. (this is our second try..we dated 4 years ago). Our issue then and now is the same: he doesnt want a relationship and I do. We both have feelings for each other. What should I do MOA? I can barely get out of bed...thanks --NJNicole; August 25, 2013 at 2:09 PM
Anonymous said...: I have been dating a guy regularly and exclusively for 11 mos. I broke up with him because he wouldn't say if and when he ever wanted a future with me and I didnt want our relationship to be just about sex I quickly realized I missed him and it was a mistake and basically begged him to take me back but slow down the sex because we were intimate every time we were together and I felt we needed more time sharing our lives not our bodies (I felt it was clouding our judgement). He agreed, but the first time we reunited I had sex with him and guilt followed. I then started sending him emotional texts about needing to know he loved me, etc. He immediately became distant and started pulling away. I continued to initiate contact although he was pulling away. When I finally texted "I guess you have decided it is over between us", his reply was "I don't know what I'm doing.... you would be better off without me". I then texted with Lets give it a few weeks". He agreed, I asked him if he was going to date others he responded with he didn't know. I told him I had a date (which I did) and he said he thought it was a good idea. This hurt me because I would never encourage him to date someone else. I expressed my feeling via conversation and then sent him a text telling him not to bother contacting later that I was DONE. My question is....... Is it too late? Will me saying that keep him from contacting me? I have not texted him since, the longest I have ever gone without texting is 3 days.; August 26, 2013 at 6:58 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous August 26, 6:58PM,
Why regret making a positive decision for yourself dear? Yes, being responsible for your own happiness can be painful at times, however, the hard decision you made was in your best interest. Therefore, it was the right thing to do.

If a man isn't expressing feelings and/or a desire for commitment 11 months into a regular dating/sexual relationship - then chances are dear, that he's never going to :-(

And what you need to understand is that your decision to tell him never to contact you again - had absolutely nothing to do with HIS decision. The simple fact of the matter is that this man isn't ready for a relationship and he doesn't want one with you right now unfortunately. He's even told you "I don't know what I'm doing" - and that has absolutely NOTHING to do with YOU or anything you've done. So cease beating yourself up for that.

It's HIS indecision here that's the problem. It's not your comment.

Genuinely interested men go after that which they desire. And the only way a woman can know if a man is truly interested is to see if HE pursues HER. (And in order for him to do that, YOU need to cease pursuing HIM. He can't pursue you when your the one doing all of the pursuing, initiating contact, etc.)

If he's genuinely interested and ready, he'll seek you out. If he isn't, then he won't and you will need to summon up the personal strength to carry on dear. And that's a good thing because that means that the man that's right for you - is still out there somewhere - and you get the opportunity to find him :-); August 27, 2013 at 8:41 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello Mirror,

I have a question for you...

I only joined Facebook about four months ago, I decided that as a musician it could be useful for networking purposes etc. So I added quite a few people, a number of which I hadn't actually met. There was this one artist guy that added me and started messaging me.

So to try and keep this short, he was enthusiastically pursuing me, texting me everyday and regularly, becoming more and more interested in me, my day and everything about me, I held back and followed your advise to the tee on when and how to text men, and it seemed to really have worked. I was overseas at the time visiting my mum, whom was ill. It did feel as though we were really connecting.

so after two weeks I was finally set to return, and we were to have our first date, two days later. Unfortunately on the afternoon of the evening that we were supposed to meet for dinner, I received a call from my dad, that my mum's health took a turn for the worst and that i must try to get a flight back over there. In the frenzy of it all I ended up forgetting to call him and stood the poor guy up.

About two days after that and many many messages from him, I finally contacted him and apologized profusely. We then continued to chat for another two weeks until I flew back. It was as if he were now even more interested in me and even tried to use the L-word... which I just kind of ignored because it seemed a bit strange seeing as we haven't actually met in person.

So we were supposed to meet the Sunday, but on the Saturday I was out with friends and while talking to one of my girl friends about this guy I've met, it came out that she had an experience with him as well. In fact they also met on facebook but in the end he strung her along said that she was his girlfriend etc. but then disappeared on her once they slept together.

So after having lost my mum, and hearing this story, I decided to just let him go. I didn't feel I had the strength to deal with a potential player. So I basically just ignored him ever since, just like he did with my friend.

It has now been almost three months, I haven't been all that active on facebook but every single picture i've loaded he has liked and every few weeks he has tried to mail me on it. and today again he sent a message, you still alive and kicking? How are ya?

I would just like to ask mirror if you think I should say something to him about my friend or should i just unfriend him... The thing is, he never actually did anything to me, so i've been a bit mean to just ignore him, but he hasn't exactly taken the hint either..

What would you do mirror? or how would you have handled it if you were in this entire situation?

Just thought I'd add something else, he told both me and my friend that he was molested as a child. Not sure if its an attempt for sympathy. He also keeps adding lots and lots of women from all over the place on his facebook, and is regularly liking different woman's profile pictures... player???

Thanks in advance for your reply ;)
Pam; August 27, 2013 at 10:39 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror

Sorry this is Pam again, i just want to add also that I have met someone else, and this guy has been openly posting all kinds of love songs on my timeline. So still regardless of my obvious new love interest, this guy sent me that mail today.; August 27, 2013 at 10:47 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pam,
"should say something to him about my friend or should i just unfriend him"

Don't worry about it. He's a stranger and he's up to no good. And I'm not even basing that on his experience with your girlfriend. I'm basing that on:

1) Him using Facebook as a dating opportunity.

2) Him tossing the "L" word around before even meeting you.

A man that comes on like lightening - leaves just as quickly dear. Big red flags.

"he told both me and my friend that he was molested as a child. . .Not sure if its an attempt for sympathy"

Probably not for sympathy so much as it's a slip about why he acts the way he does. He's kinda telling you up front, "I have some deep issues." And I imagine those issues are at the root of his dysfunctional approach to relationships and deep down inside, he's aware of that.

"He also keeps adding lots and lots of women from all over the place on his facebook, and is regularly liking different woman's profile pictures... player???"

Absolutely dear - absolutely.

I read somewhere once, and now I can't find it to refer to, that recent studies in human behavior divulged a large correlation with narcissistic personality disorder and sociopathic behavior - with those having loads of so-called "friends" on Facebook.

It was a piece on social media and human behavior tendencies and they found a correlation between those having high numbers of Facebook "friends" with those also having narcissistic personality disorder and those that were sociopathic in their behavior.

If someone has 3,000 friends on Facebook, let's face it, the chances of them knowing that many individuals in real life is extremely low. And then you have to wonder, why does this individual feel a need to have so many friends or display to the world the impression that they're "popular" in some way?

It amounts to "overcompensation." And when you overcompensate for things, it signals a "lack" in that area.

For instance, men who are macho, actually feel they "lack" manliness. As a result, they become hyper active about portraying manliness to the world.

And when someone tells you, "You can trust me." The reality is that you shouldn't. Because it's "convincing" type of behavior. They feel/know they are not to be trusted, so they overcompensate for that by attempting to get people to believe they are sincere and trustworthy.

I can be trusted - and I don't feel the need to go around telling people, "You can trust me." Because I'm confident that I'm a relatively honest human being. But those that are insecure and "lack" that confidence, don't feel that way, so they begin to "overcompensate" for it by portraying the exact opposite face to the world.; August 27, 2013 at 3:30 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,
Anonymous August 15, 2:16PM

here again.

So why do men really feel "pressured" then bolt? I mean, real, mature MEN don't do this, right? I have a younger guy friend, very mature and told him about it and he said that if this guy was a real man, he'd be able to talk it out, even if it meant rejecting me. My other guy friend who's way older than me, told me that REAL MEN can handle a question like "Where is this going." He also said as with my other guy friend, this is not the last I will hear from him. You also said to me that they come back..months, maybe even years.

I guess I just don't get it. He knew how I felt from the beginning, which was a year ago. Once he disappeared for almost 30 days. When he started, I took your advice on NC. I even posted here back in March lol. Well when he did come back, I was taking it as he was genuine after all. At that time, I told him what season I am in my life and that I was looking for something serious. He didn't respond right away, but within several hours and suggested we talk about it. I couldn't soon after he told me that bc I was out, but when I did try to talk about it with him, he seemed to try to actually avoid it.

So it's like he knew my stance from the beginning, and almost 4 months ago! Please help me understand further. And this is a man who loves debates and loves to express his opinions on many things..does not have a problem openly debating and addressing people on Facebook about serious issues or even statuses that have to do with relationships. Openly expresses his love for his mother, kids and extended family. I don't get it. We worked together 6 years ago. But it was strictly professional and only reconnected last year. He also knew about my vow of celibacy and how it was important to me. The first time and only time we slept together was about a month ago. I even told this guy before hand, like many months before that it would cause an attachment for me if something more were to happen and he acted like he understood. Your thoughts??

I'm just doing my best to move on. Th silence KILLS. But I'm coming out alive in all this.

And why as women, worry whether he will run or not if you ask a question about where both of you stand? Why worry? :-/; August 28, 2013 at 12:54 AM
Anonymous said...: Thank you Mirror, very insightful and enlightening, that just gave me plenty to think about :)

I will keep ignoring him and then later quietly remove him from my friends list. No need for him to know what's going on in my life anyway.

Best wishes
Pam; August 28, 2013 at 7:30 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks for your response Mirror. I have always been a strong person but this has ripped my strength and brought me to my knees. At 45, I have endured my share of heartache in life and bounced back quickly. For some reason..... i knew and felt in my heart he was "the one", which is why I have fought so hard to keep him. But it is clearly holding me back and destroying my spirit, I am tired. Can't eat, sleep, focus. Even started smoking again after 10 yrs just to cope. Can't understand why this particular relationship has affected me this way. I feel I would have been better off if we would have never met. I was much happier and content prior to entering into this relationship. Letting go of him has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. It hurts because he will say things like "I will always love and care for you know matter where we are in our relationship." Then turns around and says "I don't know what I'm doing, you would be better off without me." He sends mixed signals, and it DRIVES ME CRAZY. I just want to be me again.; August 28, 2013 at 8:29 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Anonymous August 15, 2:16PM
"So why do men really feel "pressured" then bolt?"

I touched on this in depth in my first response, but the main reason is that men are DIFFERENT from women - they are not women, they do not communicate like women.

Yes, there are men who are mature enough to handle that talk - but yours wasn't. So we're not talking about a mature man here. We're talking about an emotionally immature man. And even mature men will run from the talk because they feel pressured.

And that pressure comes from the woman attempting to take the "lead" role (exhibiting masculine energy) and lead the relationship in a particular direction.

It basically amounts to issuing an ultimatum. And many folks, men and women, do not respond well to being given an ultimatum. And in particular, immature individuals do not respond well to that at all.

Think about it, what if a guy came to you and said, "I've been seeing you for 3 months. I want to know when you're going to sleep with me. I want to know if you're going to sleep with me at all, and if not, I respect that - but I still want to know if sex is going to be the end result here."

Wouldn't you begin to feel a bit pressured over the subject of sex? Wouldn't you feel like this whole "sex" thing was now hanging over your head?

"And why as women, worry whether he will run or not if you ask a question about where both of you stand? Why worry?"

Lots of reasons, most of them boil down to fear:

1) Fear of abandonment

2) Attachment disorder

3) Fear of loneliness

4) Fear of rejection

5) Fear of emotional pain

6) Fear of embarrassment

It's not necessary to need to hear it in words where you stand with a man - because their actions and treatment of you tell you that and answer those questions for you.

If a man isn't calling when he says he will, isn't taking you out on nice dates, is disappearing sporadically, is leaving long gaps between seeing/talking to you - then clearly, you're not high on his list of priorities and there's no need to hear that from his mouth in words - because his actions are already telling you that.

If he's calling when he says he will, if he's taking you out on dates, if he's making time to see/talk to you regularly, if he's not disappearing on you and he's seeing you several times a week - then clearly, you're high on his list of priorities, and he doesn't need to tell you that - his actions and treatment of you are already telling you that.

These communications are held in an unspoken language every single day between couples.; August 28, 2013 at 8:55 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear MOA,

Anonymous August 15, 2:16PM here.

So the best thing or me to do is continue NC with him. I'm not sure if I do want him even if he profusely apologizes. But I do want verbal closure. :-/ What page on your site shares stories of others who came back? I'm curious as to what time line I can expect or him to try to test the waters with a text or something. What about Facebook? I deactivated my account...when I reactivate, is it a problem keeping him on my list, but just no respond to him whatsoever and remove the notifications from him so I can't see what he's up to? It's hard wrestling with these feelings. When they do disappear, whether it's after the "where are we going question" or just disappear, they DO know what they're doing and what they've done? I did peek at his FB page on my other account. And he's carrying on like it's all good. That's the last time I'm looking at it though. It just makes me angry. :-/; August 29, 2013 at 10:14 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous August 29, 10:14AM,
"What page on your site shares stories of others who came back?"

You can find lots of reappearance "sightings" (we sometimes like to joke and refer to them like a bigfoot sighting, LOL) here in the comments:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/06/disappearing-reappearing-man-what-to-do.html

We did a little experiment of our own sometime back, I'm sure those threads are buried in the comments a bit back over there by now, but we wanted to see if we could find a percentage number of the men who return. Women shared their numbers and experiences and what we found was that, roughly, approximately as high as 90% return.

"I'm curious as to what time line I can expect or him to try to test the waters with a text or something."

That depends on the man and how interested he was or how much of a player he is. But the most common time frame appears to be the 30 day mark. Next is 60-90 days, then about 6 months, then about 8-9 months - and even well up to a year or more, as experienced by myself and as shared by many other women in that thread.

"What about Facebook?"

That's a personal decision. But I will say this, generally, I do NOT advocate adding these men in the first place - if you don't do that, then you never have to deal with this later. Besides, your interactions should be taking place in real life and not through the virtual (and very fake and easily manipulated) medium of Facebook.

"they DO know what they're doing and what they've done?"

Of course they do dear, they're not stupid. They're human beings too. They just like to play coy most of the time with a, "Who me? Nah, I wouldn't do that." [followed by a slight smirk if you pay very close attention, and that smirk has been coined by body language experts as "duping delight" - their body language is actually signaling that they're quite pleased with "duping" (fooling) you.]; August 29, 2013 at 11:10 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA its me Jordan again, I wrote and you responded back on Aug 15th 248pm. Well I wanted to give you an update to see what your thoughts are. I implented the no contact rule and it has been about 43 days. He texted me ask said he needed his keys to his place, he said I could just mail them to him. He said on the text that since he hasnt heard from me he doesnt know me anymore and he wishes me the best and enjoy my life. I didnt text back right away but when I did I explained that he called me. He said he didnt to discuss anything else with me besides getting his keys back. He ask that I mailed them to him and that was it. I couldn't believe it. I am so confused as I thought the No Contact Rule would have him missing me and at least want to see me. He has blame everything on me saying this is wanted I wanted so this is what I received. 2yrs down the drain and I am left with a broken heart. My question is does this man have heart and do you think he'll ever regret his actions and have reappear. Or is he hurt but blocking his feelings to make it seem like its all my fault? Thanks Jordan; August 29, 2013 at 12:23 PM
Anonymous said...: It's me again MOA.
Anonymous Aug 15, 2:16PM and Anonymous August 29, 10:14AM.

As far as interest level...this is a guy who I used to work with 6 years ago. Back then it was strictly professional but we've gotten to know each other better in the past year. I was celibate for 6 yrs until last month. In the past year he was great with communication up until the 6th month where he disappeared for almost 30 days. That's when I found your site and implemented NC on my part and I heard from him a day before my bday. Well he came back and I based that on how genuine he really was and how interested he still was. I've expressed to him how much I valued my celibacy and he would tell me

Honestly, I would've never, EVER, given this "I don't take it lightly and I do take you serious." "I don't play with people's feelings." "Whatever happens, I won't play with your heart and mind." "I won't hurt you."guy the time of day if I felt he would play the silent game.

He is on my friends list on Facebook. Has been for a long time. I've deactivated it, but are you saying it is a personal choice for me to keep him on it when I reactivate it?

So HE KNOWS he hurt me? I mean he knows that my celibacy meant a lot. I mean I am up and down today with emotions and I am doing my best to keep busy and keep myself distracted. I wasn't asking for a relationship at this moment, just really whether his purpose for me is long-term or short-term. I would be completely fine if he told me "Let's just be friends" or "I'm sorry I led you on, I really don't want a relationship."

I haven't gotten to that other page you told me about. I'll read it today. But what are the reasons why guys would come back after 1 month, 3 months, 6-9 months, etc? And this is NC whatsoever by the woman? Do they come back bc of guilt? Because they want to finally be honest? My friend told me a guy did this to her after she asked the "What are we" or "where is this going?" question. She heard from him after 6 years! She said his excuse was "I just didn't know how to express myself." MOA, are you kidding me guys would give that answer??!! As a result, she told me she had a lot of unresolved feelings during that time and it took her years to get over it. I don't want to take that long to get over this.

So as I hope you can see, my celibacy has played a big part in this. That's why my spirit, not really my heart, has been broken. I've gotten better. But all I wanted was and still want is a verbal explanation. It's so hard MOA.

I hope you can see why I am seeking your wisdom and guidance.

When he told me: "I don't take it lightly and I do take you serious." "I don't play with people's feelings." "Whatever happens, I won't play with your heart and mind." "I won't hurt you."

I just want to send him another text, stating.."Do you remember this when you told me all this? What does/did that really mean?" I don't need to do this any more, right? Because HE KNOWS??

Please don't let me do something stupid like this MOA. LOL I should just remain "dark" NC, and wishing for the best for him to resurface (since there is a 90% chance) and for me to finally get verbal closure..; August 29, 2013 at 12:37 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Jordan,
Well dear, he's a master manipulator. Because let's not forget - HE broke up with YOU. And then when you go away and make yourself unavailable to him, he then turns around and has the nerve to say, "since he hasnt heard from me he doesn't know me anymore. . .He has blame everything on me saying this is wanted I wanted so this is what I received."

So let me understand. HE breaks up with YOU - and when you leave, HE then turns around and says this is what YOU wanted?

This guy is something else. Basically, his philosophy is, "When I push you away, chase me. If you don't, I'll blame you for the separation."

What the hell is that? He's a jerk dear :-(

"does this man have heart"

It appears he does not. And it also appears that he has a huge ego and a hefty sense of entitlement as well. He played a game, he pushed you away, he wanted you to chase him - an when his little game backfired and you didn't become the insecure girl that chases, his ego took a hit and now - he blames YOU for HIS game.

It's a crock of BS dear - and he's using "guilt" to emotionally manipulate and "punish" you.

"do you think he'll ever regret his actions"

If he's forced to live with the consequences of his actions, then yes, he may someday regret it. But with the ego and distorted thinking this guy has, I imagine it'll be a while, if ever.

You don't want to be with this type of guy for life dear, trust me. He's a controller and he's a manipulator. It's "his way or the highway" - and selfish, self-centered men like that - always have you suffering under their thumb and under their control (as he's doing to you right now.)

Give him his keys back and leave this one in the past dear. It won't be easy, but you've already been without him for approximately six weeks - so you're almost there.

"I thought the No Contact Rule would have him missing me and at least want to see me."

Well you see dear, there are no guarantees in life. And the only way to know if a man is genuinely interested or not, is to see if he pursues you. If he doesn't, then you have your answer :-(

And in this case, you have your answer. So don't waste another ounce of time on him. You've filtered him out as half-interested and you deserve MUCH better than that dear. If he was genuinely interested, he'd be attempting to work this out or at the very least, apologize and express a desire to talk. He's not doing that.

And when you use NC and the guy acts like this - it's a sure sign that the relationship wasn't meant to be.; August 29, 2013 at 4:08 PM
Gemini 50 said...: Oh dear, to the women here who are asking how, when and where NC has/is going to work to get a man to respond, I have to put my 2 cents in (sorry).

NC is not about taking action to get someone to do something (contact you). NC is about taking care of yourself. It's about stepping away from whoever and whatever is causing you pain, giving space -- clean white fresh space -- between you and the negative in order for you to think clearly, heal and breath... and getting to clarity takes as long as it takes. (For me, I think it will take a lifetime ;)

Ladies, please do not perform NC in an attempt to get someone to come back to you. Please do it for yourself. NC can be hard. NC can be lonely. NC can be painful. But NC also offers a path to freedom.

Giving yourself the gift of loving yourself to remove yourself from people and/or situations that cause you pain is such a tremendous act of believing in yourself and your true path. And your soul (which is on a journey separate from our day to day human desires) will recognize your true intent and either get stronger or not towards its destination.

Do NC for YOU! And keep busy and tend to yourself while you heal. You are worth it.; August 29, 2013 at 7:15 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA its Jordan,

Thank you so much as I needed to hear this, you are absoultely right he is the biggest jerk and manipulator out there! I have been crying over him and for what? He breaks up with me and wants me to pursue him..go figure!I thought he would as least pursue me after 43days, 2yrs I been with this man and trusted him! He said he loved me,our families bonded and connected so well but I guess at the end of it all he couldnt have loved me because your right if he was genuinely interested in me he would at least wanted to work it out or apologize to make things right between us. I am hurt but 6weeks in I am almost there so I will be fine. I will never contact him again nor will I allow any accessed to me whatsoever! And he will never have accessed to hurt me again! I mailed his keys and deleted him from my phone, fb, twitter, instgr! Thanks for your inspirational words of encouragement! I love your website! You are a great person and after reading your advice it motivates me to do better and to know the signs to watch out for the next time. The best revenge is success and focusing on me so trust me even though he's egostic and selfish he will Regret it. He's already regretting it since the game he played backed fired on him because I didn't chase him like he wanted and that's why he's mad now! LOL Thanks MOA for all your wisdom, your the best! Jordan:)PS, whether its 3-6months or even a year from now I promise you I will post back to let you know how he tries to make contact with me because somehow they always drift back because of curiousity.; August 29, 2013 at 8:01 PM
Scorpiolady said...: Dear Anonymous @ August 29, 2013 at 12:37 PM

NO NO NO! I wouldn't send him that text and play it real cool. Actually, you already know that! Be strong. Do the RIGHT thing. You deserve it to yourself to hold yourself in high enough value and worth not to lower yourself to him any longer. :-)

To be honest, what closure do you still need? He says he won't hurt you, but he HAS.

And actually, since you say your celibacy means a lot to you, why would you say you aren't asking for a relationship? If you've given it to him, you deserve to have one from him. Don't make excuses for yourself - once again, you deserve proper treatment. Don't be afraid to demand it. I feel like you have already placed the ball in his court by giving your celibacy to him, and this is his reply.

As for facebook, if you deactivated it because you didn't want to face his updates, I'm sure he think so too. And he would know it's because you're hurt by him... I would imagine it had given him a bit of an ego boost, yknow? :-(

If you reactivate it or not, I would imagine he won't know it, at least not immediately... at this point, I would just do what I want if I were you.

Although, it would be really cool if you showed him that you are fearless in cutting him off completely from your life. ;-)

Recently I went through an incident with a guy - and he was the one who hurt me the most out of all the other guys (he took my first kiss too!). But out of all the pain, I went through such a major growing experience... I can't think of it as a negative one even though it hurt. Initially. ;-)

I understand your up and down emotions - because as determined as I was to cut him out from my life (when I finally acknowledged he was giving me a lot of pain and it was hurting my 'sexy armour' - reference to Mirror's post about The Disappearing Reappearing Man: The Aftermath), I can't help missing him, being hopeful... as you are right now.

What mattered is staying firm and strong in my decision. I asked myself why I was afraid to let him walk, and it turned out rather than having given him my first kiss, it was because I didn't believe in myself enough... to live a fulfilling and rich, vibrant life on my own. It wasn't obvious to myself at first, but I lacked the belief that life holds much better things out there. But the TRUTH is, YOU are 'enough'. YOU are all you need. ;-)

I have taken up yoga in an attempt to translate my inner self-love into an 'outer' form... e.g. a hot bod ;-) You know they say the best revenge is doing well and being fabulous!

If I were you, I'd really do my best at living my life well... and honestly, it ain't that hard, right? Happiness is all around! I have never been happier, more appreciative. Show him what he's lost - and when he realises it, you won't even care whether he does or not!; August 29, 2013 at 10:18 PM
Anonymous said...: It's me again MOA.
Anonymous Aug 15, 2:16PM and Anonymous August 29, 10:14AM, etc.

I read all of the posts in that one page you told me about. What resonates with me was the story you told about your experience dealing with those men in the bar.

I almost want to actually go through with sending this text:

You told me a long time ago to not put you in the same basket with the bad men.

And told me these things:
"I am not shallow."
"I don't play games."
"I don't play with people's feelings."
"Whatever happens, I won't play with your heart and mind."
"I do take you serious."
"I don't take it lightly." (my then celibacy)
And when it happened that night, you asked me if I was scared. I said no, but I'm scared of what will happen after. You then told me, "I won't hurt you."
What happened to the weight and honor in those words?
This not responding/silence game isn't cool.

But does he even remember telling me that? Because they know what they've done and are doing,
Please put some sense in this and me.; August 30, 2013 at 5:06 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous August 30, 5:06PM,
DON'T send that dear, or you will regret it. You realize what that text is right? You realize that the text is full of emotion, correct? And you do realize how men interpret an overload of emotion, correct?

That text will be interpreted by him as emotional, whiny, pleading and begging. Even if it isn't all of those things outright, trust me, that is how he will view that. And if you're referring to the story in the bar that I told recently, please notice that there was NO NEED to SAY anything there. Just as there is no need to send this text you're considering here.

In the section of that article where that comment was titled "men understand simple communication" I wrote this:

"The Number One Mistake Women Make With Men: They share too much of what they’re thinking and feeling with them. Every little thought, every little fear, every little feeling, every little tear, every little "what if." It's a bit much and to a man, amounts to a ton of drama."

Sending that text will only make YOU feel better TEMPORARILY - it will NOT solve this issue. And most likely, he won't respond. In the end, it'll do more damage to YOU because you walked right into a situation where you afforded him the opportunity to "reject" you in a way. You're going to hand him the opportunity to be ignorant to you again if you send that text.

Don't do that to yourself dear. Saying all of this stuff to him isn't going to change a thing. It's only going to do more damage to YOU.

You're attempting to communicate with him as WOMEN communicate - by TALKING about each and every occurrence. Men communicate via ACTION dear, and all of that emotional talk, they really tune it out most times to be quite honest.

Reminding him that he said these things won't change anything. He's aware of what he's done here and if you really want to send a message - cut him off and go completely SILENT.

Because with men, doing NOTHING - is actually doing SOMETHING. Saying NOTHING - is actually saying A LOT to them. Men understand silence. And most times, they do NOT understand women's emotions. He will only avoid you even more if you send that dear. Stand strong and stay silent. If you need to vent, turn to your family and girlfriends for that if need be.

But him - you leave him to himself here. You remain silent and unavailable to him - and you will be "heard."; August 30, 2013 at 8:26 AM
Anonymous said...: Scorpio,
thanks for your insight. I am not forcing him to be in a relationship with me. I just wanted to hear from him as to why he couldn't answer and get some sort of verbal closure.

MOA,
yeah I see...so I did not send that. I sure wanted to though. I have been wanting to call but I guess I should NOT attempt that either. The last time I tried any contact was Aug. 17. I wish both sexes didn't have to go through these kinds of things! By standing strong and COMPLETELY silent (even let him have no access to my FB) he will eventually resurface? I'm just waiting for the day...it's difficult waiting for a Big Foot Sighting! It just hurts that after a year, I chose him to break my celibacy streak with and I'm going through this just because I asked a question. Honestly am I looking at perhaps 3 months before I hear anything. I've decided that anytime I get an urge to do something, I will go back to your site to reread the posts to gain some strength.; August 31, 2013 at 1:50 PM
Anonymous said...: Ok. This guy hadn't seen me for months now bc we were both studying for exams. Then, right when he said he would call me, he does..but I didnt notice until 6 days later. Anyway..when I got back to him he was playing hard to get bs and then asked me out a week later last minute date. I declined bc I had another important test the next day. He said good luck...then never contacted again for three weeks now. I think he is being a spiteful game player. If he contacts again do I employ 30 days NC. Ive known him for about a year as classmates..and he has asked me out many times...but then pulls these little stunts...but this is the worst yet.; September 3, 2013 at 1:37 AM
Scorpiolady said...: Dear Mirror,

I’m just here with an update. I hope you recall, let’s call him Guy, and I are classmates, so I’m unable to employ full NC ever since school starts.

Anyway, we are definitely getting more comfortable being friends as time passes, and grudges and awkwardness slowly fades. It’s not like denying what’s happened, but more like, since it already happened, simply placing it in its proper place - in the past.

And really, viewing him objectively has really lessened my desire for him by a lot. And I expect very soon… if not now, actually, I’ll totally feel normal towards him.

Although whenever he’s around, his actions tell me he still has feelings for me. It’s kind of cute actually. As our classroom tables are round, he’s always chosen to sit directly opposite of me, facing me, even when most of times it will mean his back is facing the board (as I always choose the seat facing the board hah). I begin to notice in his speech he sometimes rephrases what I said just moments before, if not, he will readily agree with me. And he helps me to clear my food tray and offers to carry my stuff… A friend even commented on how gentlemanly of him, although to be honest, he’s always been like this to me. I always knew he’s especially nice to me.

Even so, I still get a feeling he’s together with his (then ex)girlfriend. The other day, when Guy took out his laptop, there was a strand of long hair on it… it was a funny spectacle to watch him peel it off his laptop, and my friend exclaimed, “It’s your girlfriend’s hair right?!” And Guy began acting very uncomfortably and mumbling, unlike his usual extroverted demeanor. My friend then asked, “Why are you so scared to talk about your girlfriend?!” Because the truth is… it’s almost as if she doesn’t exist; he doesn’t talk about her, he posts no current pictures of them together, whatsoever.

It’s because of this that I was misled in the past. Initially, I knew he was an ‘unavailable’ guy… in fact, it was what sparked my interest in him because I thought he’s a “hard to get” guy, a decent guy. A friend told me about how a girl chased him a few months ago and got rejected by him, and a group of them began deducing how he’s single but unavailable because he’s still pining (i.e. loyal) to his ex. And yes, always, in the past, whenever people asked him for his relationship status, he would simply say he has a lot of “sisters” or jokey things like “a new girlfriend everyday”.

It’s only 2 months ago I found out exactly what that meant. Anyway, complications aside (long story), at least he’s now guilty enough not to say such stuff about it anymore when asked about his girlfriend in front of me.

But I do recall what he’s told me before, that he’s always thought he would get back together with his ex (of 5 years) when he graduates. And he asks me, Why would I want to be with someone who’s as unstable as him… complicated relationships because he’s still talking to so many girls, someone who’s financially unstable…

Cont...; September 3, 2013 at 3:46 PM
Scorpiolady said...: ... Cont

I know it was only about 4 months after we got to know each other when I actually asked for a commitment after we kissed. I know that might have been unnecessarily pushy and placed unnecessary pressure on the relationship… but too bad, I kissed him. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have done so. Anyhow, he still had the cheek to say he didn’t want to talk about long-term with me.

The second time we kissed, I laid down my boundaries, and he agreed he wouldn’t kiss me anymore until we are officially exclusive. He said he wanted us to start over, properly. But at that time, I was already very tired and hurt by all his words. And I couldn’t trust his promises… nor did I want to risk waiting for him to break them. Plus he told me how before I began talking to him, he’s gone out with his ex a few times. Anyhow, around that time, somehow or another I eased into full NC with him. (It wasn’t even on purpose… I was tired, he too was tired.)

I know he likes me - a selfish person like him, I know he did things for me. In the past semester, he was appearing often in school and hung around a lot ever since he knew me when he’s notorious for being MIA (I hung around a close friend of his for almost a year plus and never once saw Guy until we were in the same class).

And we had so much fun.

Actually, funny thing is the friend who told me about the girl who chased Guy… had tried to chase that girl before. He told me, to give up on Guy because he thinks I’m not Guy’s type. He said the girl who chased Guy was more of Guy’s type. And I’ll tell you, I never once chased Guy. I gave him opportunity, but I never once pursued him… even until now. LOL.

Anyhow, after NC… I began to see things objectively, both the good and the bad of what had happened.

Cont...; September 3, 2013 at 3:47 PM
Scorpiolady said...: ... Cont

I was very angry with him when just a week or so after I employed full NC on him, his girlfriend posted on his facebook “happy fifth year anniversary”. I thought he was an asshole… but now, I just can’t view him as a 100% bad person or asshole. At the very least, I’m not going to enable that kind of behavior from him… I will willingly remove myself from a situation that makes him a “bad” person.

And yknow what. Just now, as we were talking and joking around as a group of friends, he said as we were making fun of him and his slight narcissistic tendencies, “Actually I do feel shame of myself sometimes, don’t think that I don’t. But one day I may overcome myself…”

When he said that, it was a very brief but vulnerable moment, uncharacteristic of him. Normally he looks into my eyes a lot when he talks, but in that uncomfortable moment I could tell he couldn’t do so even though I was just looking straight at him. I was SHOCKED. I felt like he actually wanted to say it to me.

And after saying that he made reference to the fact that maybe in future he might be rich, etc. Actually being in university, we are all up to our eyeballs in assignments, but he’s taken up a second job recently, all of a sudden. But he’s clever, so he can handle it. Lately he’s also been boasting a bit about being financially more independent and such, and also wearing new shirts to school, which his friends say finally after he’s been wearing the same old ones for forever.

Sometimes I feel like he’s trying to show off to me.

But I know I can’t do anything, too. I’m sure he’s together with his girlfriend. I can’t compare with their 5 year history, when I’ve only known him for 5 - 6 months. I can’t make anyone fall in love with me; the most I can do is have a good time with him. As a friend. Like what we are doing so easily now.

If later down the road, he fades away, as is his selfish nature to do as he pleases, I’m ready to accept it.

But honestly, this has been a most fruitful lesson in personal development. And I wish to wish him and his girlfriend happiness.

:-); September 3, 2013 at 3:47 PM
Anonymous said...: OMG MOA,

it's
Anonymous August 15, 2:16PM (and whatever else after that lol)

So I had to do my own little investigating and found out that I've indeed, unfortunately, come across a man who likes to "get around" as a woman has told me. She told me something that happened a year ago between her cousin and other cousin's friend...I feel bad that I dug deeper aboutit, as it happened a year ago. Because I don't want to judge a person's character on what happened a year ago...but aren't habits hard to change?

You're SO right about not reaching out to these guys as you give them power and a chance to reject you in a way. I had the strongest urge to send him a text telling me this is hurtful and I'm so glad I refrained from doing it...especially learning about the new information. I would've been SO dumb to do it. I shouldn't even let him know or FEEL that I'm hurting. You want silence, buddy? I'll give it to you! LOL

But after ONE YEAR Moa, one year and I thought this man was truly genuine, and maybe he was on certain things, but it should be all or nothing!

PLUS, he knew the condition of my heart. Because we used to work together (strictly professional) he saw what went down when my marriage was falling apart. He knew why I had a wall! He knw the reasons why I had a guard! But STILL he chooses to play with my heart and mind? Oh MOA, please explain this!

If Facebook is one of the mediums he uses to get women's attention, why aren't the women he's involved with somehow (if they're friends with him on FB) become verbal about his behavior? Why does he try to give sound advice/words of wisdom when it comes to other women's posts, but doesn't follow them himself?

I honestly felt a little bad afterwards, because she was sharing with me what happened a year ago and I thought was it right for me to make a judgment on him based on what happened a year ago? I mean he portrays himself to be this emotionally in tune sensitive man, even on FB, but after I shared my "gift" including waiting more than 5 yrs to have sex, he can't even respond to a "where is this going question" but when I asked him that 4 months prior, he actually wanted to talk about it!

I'm just wondering, could he have at least thought to treat me a little differently because of my celibacy?

So when it comes to Facebook, should I even keep him on my friends list when I reactivate it? Part of me wants to remain so dark and silent but another part wants him to see (without over doing it) that I am doing fine and VERY well.

OMG am I really going to hear from this fool sometime down the road?

Honestly MOA, I don't want a relationship with him....would not take him how he is now. Imagine this is a 41 year old man still playing games. I mean can one even change at that age? I'm in my early 30's. But it would be nice to get pursued by him, so I can giev him a taste of his own medicine! Someone needs to teach him a serious lesson.

Honestly, I feel a little more free finding that information out.; September 4, 2013 at 3:23 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi, I'm in a predicament myself! Me and my ex were together for 4 years. I really love him. And I used 2 be all he cared about me and the kids were his life. He would always want to be with me and do everything together. But the past year and a half he didn't show me as much attention, guess its the same in every relationship once all settled!! The past 9 months we split 3 times!! and I had been gutted, did the whole chasing him crying couldn't live without him, then as soon as I was 2 ignore him m start living my life again he would come back, and I didn't ever make him try I just took him back, stupid I know! He now left again, after not long being back. Because I commented that he goes out too much and leaves me alone a lot n I just wanted 2 spend time with him. He is 4 years younger than me and has started to enjoy going out and having space. I no he hasn't left for another girl he just seems to keep going through going out then realising he wants me then wen he knows I'm there goes back out again! This time I haven't chased him I have just completely not contacted him. But am finding it hard incase he doesn't come back this time. As I said we have 2 kids and he comes 2 pick them up every other day for a few hours and I'm not sure how to be when I c him. As at the moment I just don't speak. But fromt the other times wen there was no contact I would ring or txt bt wen I would see him I'd act fine n say hi or wen speaking to say one of his family members he would try join in the convo and I'd reply bt keep it short. So I think he started 2 see me happy n talking n acting normal but juts not chasing him so he started to want to see me asking me to take kids out etc. But then he's gone again so I don't know wether to be polite say hi wen he comes or just carry on as I am and not speak??; September 4, 2013 at 4:06 AM
Pisces Girl said...: "Sending that text will only make YOU feel better TEMPORARILY - it will NOT solve this issue. And most likely, he won't respond. In the end, it'll do more damage to YOU because you walked right into a situation where you afforded him the opportunity to "reject" you in a way. You're going to hand him the opportunity to be ignorant to you again if you send that text.

Don't do that to yourself dear. Saying all of this stuff to him isn't going to change a thing. It's only going to do more damage to YOU."

wow Mirror you are dead on! ive been done this damage to myself more times that i would care to admit its so hard to sit there and do nothing -watching the clock ticking by minutes turn to hours hours to days and then months go by and before you know it you're another year older :( Part of the reason we pursue is because as my ex said to me "youre not getting any younger so you need to move on or nobody will ever marry you" and he was right age is a bigger factor for women due to our ticking biological clocks where as men can still get their mack on with younger women well into their grey hair years thats why its so hard to sit there and do NOTHING but i agree with you 110% that that is the ONLY way to go-just wanted to thank you for your straight forward, no sugar coating advice -thats what sets you apart you tell it like it is and give us clear answers that dont leave us second guessing anything-even when if it is a little hard to hear(ie. "this guys an asshole" LOL). i look forward to coming on here daily and seeing your updates-loved your last posting about learning to value yourself..i read it over a few times because thats something i definitely need to work on daily and keep reminding myself of my worth and value- thanks Mirror; September 4, 2013 at 11:32 AM
Anonymous said...: Hey Mirror, I have two questions. My bf broke up with me because he said he was not able to come see me more and it wasn't fair for me to do all the driving, he is busy, etc. He refused to tell me he didn't love me in fact before I pulled away he said "I do love you". I teared up and said "I love you too." How can you be with someone a year, love them, and use the hour distance as an excuse not to be together. I can't move down there because my Dad is not well and my parents need me close to check in on them. I went to his place often. Also....since we broke up I have not texted him, it has been 6 days. On the 5th day he texted "Happy Birthday, I hope u have a wonderful day." I texted back a simple "thanks..." Was it wrong to do that? I really wanted to follow your advice and do no contact but since we didn't break up angry, (I just got real emotional), and he has always replied to my texts, I felt it was appropiate to thank him. He has hurt me so bad with this. We have broken up 2 other times but I always went back and convinced him to try again. I broke it off once. We are in our mid to late forties, this seems crazy! We were intimate way too soon and it continued the entire year (never letting up). Did he just grow tired of me? I just wanted him to share his feelings and future plans, since I was giving so much of myself. He has never really been emotional, or one to share his feelings. Which in turn made me emotional, desperate seeming, (which is not my personality at all). It is almost as if he has changed me, I never was this way with other guys, then again I never loved them like I do him.) But..... I'm not sure why, because he has never been super attentive, unless we were sexual. Please give me some insight, I am miserable, on a merry go round and just want to get off. I miss him terribly and have this urge to go see him, but I know that would just make me look worse. I have had the urge before and acted on it, and he never seemed to mind, but I always ended up feeling the same after I left. This sucks....; September 4, 2013 at 6:52 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous September 4, 6:52PM,
I think this recent piece I wrote might help you a bit dear:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/08/how-do-you-value-yourself.html

Particularly the concept of "giving more than you're receiving" contained within it. I see that theme in your comment:

"I went to his place often."

"He has hurt me so bad with this. . .I felt it was appropriate to thank him"

"I always went back and convinced him to try again."

"We were intimate way too soon"

"I was giving so much of myself."

And I also see a "sexual" versus "emotional" connection here, I see you giving more than you received and I also see you "giving" more by way of creating "excuses" for him about his treatment of you and his behavior:

"We were intimate way too soon and it continued the entire year (never letting up)." (sexual)

"He has never really been emotional, or one to share his feelings." (sexual, excuse)

"he has never been super attentive, unless we were sexual." (sexual, excuse)

"How can you be with someone a year, love them, and use the hour distance as an excuse not to be together."

This is possible if the connection is only sexual versus emotional :-(

"Was it wrong to do that? I felt it was appropriate to thank him."

Why are you worried about HIM more than YOURSELF dear? Why are you fearful of letting him know HE has hurt YOU? Why continue to "give" of yourself to a man that has hurt you? Why worry about what is "appropriate" more than about taking care of yourself? Get what I'm saying?

"Did he just grow tired of me?"

No I don't think it was that dear. I honestly think this man is emotionally unavailable and after a year, he realized he had no "emotional" connection to you here :-(

"I miss him terribly"

Why? Think about this a bit. We all know the obvious answer is "you miss him" - but ask yourself, why do you miss a man that barely "gave" to you? Why do you miss a man that was emotionally unavailable to you? Why do you miss a man that barely lifted a finger for you and only showed you attention when he was receiving sexual favors in return?

Cont. . .; September 7, 2013 at 8:32 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: I want you to think about that dear because it reads to me more like an unhealthy attachment than a strong emotional connection, ya' know? Some women "attach" to men and then confuse that with love. Attachment isn't love, it's simply attachment - and this is where NC would do YOU a world of good - if you could stop worrying about HIM long enough to properly protect and take care of YOURSELF here dear - you may find that you really weren't all that crazy about this man in the first place. You may find that after a month or so, you're not even that interested anymore.

"I have had the urge before and acted on it, and he never seemed to mind, but I always ended up feeling the same after I left."

Again, you "giving" more than you're receiving here, ya' know? You run to him and give of yourself (sex), then feel like crap about yourself afterwards. Why think of HIM more than YOURSELF? Why give of yourself so freely, when you're paying a hefty price for it in the end, ya' know? It's not worth it and it's not a wise investment :-(

It's okay to let this man know he's hurt you. And I'm not saying to do that with WORDS, I'm saying it's okay to let that show in your ACTIONS. He has chosen to end this dear. So what is the CONSEQUENCE that YOU are going to issue to HIM for this? Poor treatment deserves consequences. It doesn't deserve more free favors, ya' know? You don't reward bad behavior and poor treatment with more of your attention. If your dog pees on the floor, you don't give it a treat. Instead, you issue a consequence and you place the dog outside (away from you and your attention).

If a man treats you poorly dear, you do not REWARD that behavior with MORE of YOUR attention and time. There is a consequence for his decision and that consequence is that he loses your attention and he gets no more of your time - period. If you continue to reward his bad behavior with your attention, time and sexual favors, etc. - then everytime he wants attention - he's going to treat you poorly. You need to "school" him and show him that if he wants your time and attention, he needs to GIVE his own time and attention to YOU. Understand?

It's time to look out for yourself here dear and issue a consequence for his poor behavior:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html; September 7, 2013 at 8:32 AM
Anonymous said...: Thank you for responding, it has helped me more than you know. I am the one that you just responded to. I realize I have not been taking care of me and that this relationship was not healthy. Taking steps now to get myself back, with or without him. I do have one more question for you, as I value your wisdom. What causes a man to be emotionally unavailable? Past experiences? Personality? Or is it just that he didn't want to be emotionally available to me? Understanding this may help me when choosing a future partner. Thanks....; September 8, 2013 at 10:08 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous September 8, 10:08AM,
"What causes a man to be emotionally unavailable?"

It depends on the individual, however, emotional unavailability usually stems from fear, which then morphs into issues of "control."

Emotionally unavailable individuals generally fear intimacy. Not sex, intimacy - letting someone "in" and getting close to someone. Because they realize that once they do that, the other individual has some control over them to an extent. Meaning - if they care (get attached) - you can hurt them. If they don't care (remain detached), then they can't get hurt. And it's widely know that passive aggressive behavior also accompanies this most times. Meaning, the individual acts passively (non-caring) regarding intimate issues - when you're upset, when they've hurt you, when you're disappointed in them, etc. However, they act aggressively (caring) regarding other issues, particularly ones that concern them - when you're not available to them, when you don't answer their calls, and when you don't "jump" when they snap their fingers and it's convenient for them.

For instance, he acted passively (non-caring) about hurting you when he broke up with you. However, had you NOT responded to his birthday text, I bet he would've suddenly became aggressive towards you (angry, abusive, hunted you down, questioned why you ignored him, etc.)

"Understanding this may help me when choosing a future partner."

Next time you sense this, just run:

"me to do all the driving"

"He has never really been emotional, or one to share his feelings."

"he has never been super attentive, unless we were sexual."

The next time you sense that you're giving more than you're receiving, swing into protection mode dear - survival mode - and do what you have to do to take care of yourself. . .and just leave, end it right there. When someone is a "taker" - they will deplete you, exhaust you and suck the life out of you. View them as a "danger" to yourself and walk away. Don't stick around giving them the benefit of the doubt. Just see it for what it is, realize it'll never get any better than that - because people are always at their best early on and if they're "taking" early on, if that's the "best" they can do - just leave.; September 8, 2013 at 10:40 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear MoA, aScorpion here.
I just want to tell you that I've found a wealth of really good information here. You give good advice and it's empowering and positive. You also write really well and with humor, which definitely helps the medicine go down!
Without going into much detail, I decided to implement NC with a Virgo I'd been seeing casually this year. He didn't do anything super bad, but I realized I WAS giving too much to our relationship. I made excuses for him when he had to cancel plans because of his many family commitments, (he has a son, whom I've met a few times), and also the fact that he lost his job. He's been contracting but nothing has stuck so he's discouraged (And broke). In any case, there hasn't been any opportunity for us to see each other for a couple months, mainly due to his being short on funds and feeling down. We have been consistently communicating through E-mail. However, I always initiate, and although he responds pretty fast, I'm getting tired of the onus always being on me with this. So, I went NC about 2 1/2 weeks ago.
It's funny, part of my problem was missing him during the time we haven't been able to see each other, but NC is really helping me find some perspective and equilibrium. I'm fairly confident he'll pop up(probably after his son starts school) and we'll go from there. But I think the NC has helped me take a step back and give him the space he's probably going to need to get himself together. So, MoA, one more 'handy-dandy' use for NC! Thanks!; September 8, 2013 at 9:22 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA,

would you advise us to ever, before going 100% NC let the man know how hurt you are? No name-calling, just to let them know how much their behavior has hurt you. I don't think I ever passed that message on to this guy who hasn't responded to anything in 5 weeks. But I do want to let him know I am hurt and SPECIFICALLY why.; September 10, 2013 at 10:52 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous September 10, 10:52AM,
No dear, I would not advise that as it entirely defeats the purpose of NC when used as such. The point of NC when used in that manner is for your silence to enact a psychological thought process to kick into gear inside the man's head.

If you spell it out for him - you basically override that entire psychological process needed to reach an understanding in his mind of what he did wrong and his role in it.; September 10, 2013 at 1:03 PM
Anonymous said...: Will NC work on him if you've tried to contact him for a like a month but he hasn't responded??

Can you give some examples where you feel NC will NOT work?; September 11, 2013 at 4:05 AM
Anonymous said...: I have been overly emotional, pursuing, etc. after several breakups. After reading this article, I now realize what I have been doing wrong. I have started NC. My question is....... Is it too late? Will NC work this late in the game or does he already think I'm too needy and clingy? Has the damage of too much pursuing already been done? He contributed to my neediness, clingy, etc..... by sending mixed signals, wishy washy, needing space, etc. We have been together 9 mos. but only saw each other weekends and a occasional day during the week.
Thanks; September 11, 2013 at 6:06 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: There are no specific situations where NC is guaranteed to work or not work. NC is not a guarantee at all and there are no guarantees in life.

Sometimes it gets the guy back, sometimes it doesn't. But it's more important use is NOT about getting the guy back - it's about helping YOU to detach from the man emotionally.

So when using NC, don't sit and wait for the man to return. Instead, focus on yourself, distance yourself and gain clarity in the process.; September 11, 2013 at 7:34 AM
Anonymous said...: This guy disappeared for a month. He just asked how I was doing. Do I wait a month to respond? or just never talk to him again? Thx. We only went on a few dates, but we have known each other much longer...help!; September 12, 2013 at 2:05 AM
Scorpiolady said...: Dear Mirror,

I am so confused.

In the past few days, whenever he is around, Guy's actions tell me he is still interested. He acts carefully around me and in small ways, takes care of me. On Wednesday, we were studying at a small table seated opposite one another and while doing work, when I looked up, he was just staring at me blatantly. Later that evening, he messaged me on facebook (I believe this is also because he received a positive, friendly attitude from me in the day). After 3 short exchanges, I stopped replying. This is the first time I replied to him texting me... not including me blowing his direct messages to me off sometimes on group chats - basically I HAVE been employing NC with him like this. Face to face, I DO interact and converse with him as normal.

I have been in proper NC with him for about a month before school reopened 1 month ago, forcing me to employ this partial NC. Till date, we are friends for 6 months. Began actually dating in July. I then began to NC him 3 weeks after we first went out, because he was not over his ex.

I do feel that if I play this right, he will cave. If I keep our private contact minimal and succinct and in real life, I remain friendly and fun, I think he will fall for me, although it will take a few months, maybe.

Don't you think so?

I believe in myself to play this well - but somehow, I am also troubled.

A small problem too, his girlfriend (they have been on-off for 5 years) - I don't even know anything about them right now because I haven't talked to him.

I have been appearing cool and calm but really I care a lot more than I'd like to admit. And I don't admit it - except to my sister and a really close male confidant. To move on feels to me like eliminating all hope that he will come to me - after he breaks up with his girlfriend and apologises. Do I lose hope in him?

What should I do? Please shed some light on my situation.

Thank you Mirror.; September 12, 2013 at 3:25 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @ScorpioLady,
"What should I do?"

This isn't going to be the answer that you want to hear, but what you do is - you live your life. You cease focusing on what he's doing, thinking, who he's with, when he'll make a move, etc. and instead, you focus on YOURSELF.

Don't give him or this situation more of yourself than it deserves right now. You're not moving forward --- because you are deliberately holding yourself back. You said it yourself:

"To move on feels to me like eliminating all hope that he will come to me"

And that thought pattern also signals that you don't value yourself highly dear, and you should:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/08/how-do-you-value-yourself.html

What that statement from you suggests is that --- you don't think you're good enough for him to come back to. You feel that if you don't stick around reminding him that you exist, you're so insignificant and unnoticeable, that he'll automatically just forget you.

That's fear dear, and insecurity. And if you let fear and insecurity steer the wheel in life, you're going to end up in a ditch sweetie.

Trust me on this - focus on YOU right now, forget about him, focus on your happiness and being good to yourself and doing things that make you happy. When you begin to emit that type of energy, people are then attracted to you dear, like a moth to a flame. But you have to "let go" and take a leap of faith to reach that place.

"Guy's actions tell me he is still interested."

Here's what actions signal interest - when you see these actions taking place, then you can give him some focus. But until these things start to happen, stay focused on YOU instead:

1) He calls you regularly and consistently.
2) He invites you out on dates (not hangout sessions at his place, real dates).
3) He expresses a desire to spend his free time with you.
4) He puts in consistent efforts to get to know you better and in a romantic way.

When those things above start happening, you can focus on him a bit. But until then, you focus on you and you enjoy your life. Don't let him occupy a large portion of your thoughts or time or emotions right now as he's not taking any actions to kick this into gear. Relax, step back, put some space in between you two - and enjoy living your life dear.

If you do that, he'll take notice (of the fact that you're happy without him) - and if he genuinely cares - he'll come around to find out why ;-); September 12, 2013 at 4:39 PM
Scorpiolady said...: Thank you Mirror for putting things into perspective.

It's like I know what's the right thing to do, but I keep faltering these days - I have to convince myself to 'value' myself and at times it feels like empty echoes.

I kicked my gear into self-improvement mode and I started sure and strong, but as time passes I began to become weaker and less believing... I guess self-improvement and change isn't always dynamic and exciting, there will be long stretches of dry, unconvincing days that feel like no progress is being made but it still means holding on firmly and bravely in my self-belief.

I guess I still have lessons in valuing myself to learn. You hit the nail on the head with "You don't think you're good enough for him to come back to. You feel that if you don't stick around reminding him that you exist, you're so insignificant and unnoticeable, that he'll automatically just forget you". Sometimes I feel like it's either now or never, yknow?

And yes, I'm still holding myself back from fully moving forward - because really, it means erasing him from my consciousness and my agendas. It means eliminating his significance to me. It means stepping out into a future without him inside as a very real possibility - and in that future, who knows what's there?

A very funny thing, my sister scolded me when I confided in her, she basically said, "This just tells me you haven't learnt anything from this, even though you say you learnt so much about valuing yourself!"

And I was so offended, LOL, even though I really value all her advice. She's a Taurus too, btw. I see now what she means after your clarification, Mirror.

You know I read pages and pages of these comments just to feel some of your calm, sure strength which resonates in your advice - even if I may not understand fully the strength.

Now imma go dust off, tidy up, adjust and polish my armor. It's a new fight. ;-); September 13, 2013 at 12:01 AM
Sister said...: I dated a guy 3 times and we exchanged kisses last two times. Our conversation later revealed that he will be moving to another country in a year and not looking for marriage or relationship but does not mind falling in love and dating for the year. I ended up things with him nicely by informing him that i am not looking for one year contract type of relationship and do not want to get attached and say good bye in the end. he txted me next day saying how much he is hating not having to hear from me and knowing how i am, his day is going bad. i did not reply to his text. its been 36 hours since then. i want like him and wish somehow he melts towards me and want a relationship as well. what strategy should i apply here to have it work in my favor. although, very mature, i am new to dating scene. kindly advise.; September 14, 2013 at 2:22 AM
Tiff720 said...: Hi M.O.A... Maybe you could lend me some suggestions or straight-up response to this situation (situation listed in a Timeline for a reason):

8/6 Corresponded with a guy on-line for 2 weeks before meeting

8/24 Our first meet was at a well known establishment. It felt like we've known each other for years and just catching up. So to say, things went very well. After meeting, he invited me to the community Carnival,then after to his "poker buddies" house for a game. Departed ways the next early morning.

8/25 After my church service, gave him a call curious to know the time the game was over. Then again, it felt like we've known each other for years and just catching up. So conversation was very friendly. I mentioned I was going to a local grocery to pick up a few things. He invited himself. Small world, after learning we live in the same apartment complex. So, he came along with me. We walked through the store like we were already in a relationship or just some random friends just shopping.

** He's not really a texter. He prefers to talk over the phone; which was good in my book since I'm the same. We talk everyday but not for long periods of time; however, he is very consistent. Our work schedules are very different. I work mornings Mon-Friday 7:30-4pm; he works evenings 8pm-4am and off on Mondays & Tuesdays. Since we live in the same complex sometimes he gets off before 4am and calls me and we hangout (casinos or other poker events); I've told him that now that I know his interests, I suggest he take me to a movie or dinner or both. He makes an excuse (sounds like it to me). After he has worked, all he does is sleep. I'm not really a sleeper. I've cooked him some food because of the kind thing he'd done for me. One day my car needed repair and he helped get it fixed so I made him a dinner. Just to show my appreciation. Now he wants me to cook. I don't mind cooking because I cook for myself. Its been 6 months since the last time I have been intimate with a man. After a long outing with him at the casino. Woke up to him lying in my bed next to me; realized we had slept together. I couldn't belive it since I've actually only known him for a week. I understand things happen and we're human but i was really upset that he got the "cookie" really early, but since then he is still around. Being consistent, we're hanging and talking. The reason he is not in a relationshp is because he said he wouldn't let himself get close to another woman. However, he told me that he think he's getting close to me and that I'm not ready for what he has. Now my online profile mentioned my interest of a man with "no kids"; i don't have any but would like to have some oneday. Then I met him and it is like he changed my thought about it because just him spending time with me i really enjoy. I have told him recently that I am not his secretary, personal cook & etc and that I want him to take me out. i have reminded him that this is all very new to me; meeting a guy online and hitting it off the way we did. He keeps telling me soon. Is there another way I should express or tell him? Or should I back away a little; like not answer his call or invite him over to my place or go over to his place? I shouldn't have to repeat myself or get the things I want. Again, this is very new to me. I'm used to the man taking me out and pursuing me; trying to get my attention. I know a man treats you the way that you allow him to treat you. I want him to get to know my interests and things. Any suggestions?; September 15, 2013 at 8:31 PM
Anonymous said...: Got contact. After 6 weeks.
After A LOT of self-reflection and thought..listening to many angles and advice from people. I decided for my own sake, that I would send a final text to say all that I've wanted to say. I did not expect anything AT ALL. Just wanted to close it out. When he responded, I just had to keep in mind the agonizing and waiting I've felt during those 6 weeks. I had to ask myself, do you really want to go through that again? For a month I cried every week and my self-esteem was seriously affected. It wasn't only until about 2 weeks ago that I started picking myself back up. There's a point where you have to look at yourself and realize YOU are the PRIZE. MOA is right about being perceived as "needy" as he told me it was like I was "demanding" him to "do this and that". I didn't "blow" up his phone with texts...as I would text him 1-2 weeks in between. But I can see now how he would take it like that.

Below is what happened.

Me: I expected better from you since you know what happened in my past and why I had a wall. To not say anything is really cruel and cold-hearted. I feel it tells me a lot about your real character. We both have daughters & know we wouldn't want them to be treated like this.

Things you've said to me like "Whatever happens I won't play with your heart and mind, I don't play with people's feelings, I won't hurt you, etc." GAME. Never imagined you to be a hit-it-and-quit-it type of dude.

I really believed in you, but I feel your actions have revealed your true colors. I chose you out of all the men in the world to share what I've held so dear to me for a long time. For the future, hope you realize this & taking advantage can seriously hurt a woman to the core.

His Response:
I'm not cruel. Just was dealing with my daughter and a few other things going on my life. I really didn't like the way you started coming at me with your text messages. Kind of demanding I do this and that. I don't respond very well. To that type of stuff. I don't play with people's feelings. U are right. I have daughters. I told u that one time I would call you. But u started blowing my phone up with those text messages.

Me: Look I called you I texted asking if there was something going on...

Bc it felt uncharacteristic of you

I'm sorry if it came off demanding. I honestly did not want to come off that way.

Him: I said I was going to call you. You didn't let me. So I fall back when people do that. It's something that I really hate.

Me: I believe after you said that you said "or you can call me." But I suggested it would prob be better for you to do that bc you know your availability better? Know what I'm saying?

Ok I see now. But when you don't share that, how would someone know that? I'm not great at reading minds, but can only gather somewhat from actions.

Him: Ok well I'm getting ready for work. I can see how u took it like that. But I certainly won't be labeled a hit it and quit type person. Sorry you feel that way about me.; September 16, 2013 at 2:02 PM
Anonymous said...: (continued)MOA, so I didn't respond to the very last text. I felt like he was trying to make me feel bad when I mentioned that. Well after being celibate for a long time then breaking that with him and asking a serious question and then NOT getting any response for 6 weeks...what was I to think? I mean he has daughters...what would he tell his daughters if they were going through the same thing?

I almost had an urge to text back "I'm sorry, you're right you are not a hit it and quit it type of guy."

But basically isn't that what it is? Because if he wasn't then he would've never had me wait THAT long to respond...especially when he knew I gave it up to him after such a LONG TIME. If he says he doesn't play with people's feelings, then what was he doing to me by having me wait and not respond? I really can't think of anything else to say to him. I don't think I should apologize for saying that, even though a part of me wants to.

Then he gives me the same lame excuse. He disappeared for a month before (this was like 4 months before I slept with him) and he used a similar excuse "I've just had a lot of family stuff going on." But then I would see him post on Facebook?! I mean C'MON NOW.

I'm thinking of I have to deal with him shutting down because he doesn't like confrontation then how in the world would we work this out? So that means I have to WATCH what I say to him? Why would I feel like I have to walk on eggshells? I never even gave him an ultimatum. I asked "Where is this going" and if it wasn't going anywhere, that I would be cool with that but I'd appreciate it if he told me. And he still hasn't told me directly...but indirectly he has. And that is by not addressing it and giving me his lame excuses. I honestly was not expecting ANYTHING. But I must've hit a nerve actually telling him he hurt me, touching on his character and saying he's a hit it and quit it type of dude. But that's what happened though, MOA, right?

Bc of he was so serious about me and knowing I broke my celibacy with him, he would've never had me to wait this long. He's still stuck on where he said he would call me regarding his schedule for when he would try to put in more time with me and that I didn't give him a chance to call.But to me, that wasn't the issue. I asked him "where is this going." Still hasn't told me...but actually has told me by his actions. If he was serious, he wouldn't let me get away. He'd show more effort. He'd PROVE it to me over a long period of time.

But I shouldn't apologize...right...ugh, that urge. If it will be, then it will be. But right now it won't be. I'm going to continue to work on myself. I've been back in church and getting involved in it. I've always worked out but joined a new gym and will start taking up yoga. I'm going to begin on my Vision Board and am currently looking into a graduate school program.

MOA, why would he say that he doesn't label himself as a hit it and quit it dude? But for instance still casually sleep with women? Why did he say to me "Sorry you feel that way about me?" Was that a guilt trip?

Am I going to hear from him again? I feel like he is trying to make me second guess myself. Because if he was so bothered about what I said in that recent text, then he would've never had me wait for so long! My head hurts...going to jog 2 miles. LOL Thank you so much MOA!; September 16, 2013 at 2:03 PM
Anonymous said...: WHAT NOW? :-/
Got contact. After 6 weeks.
After A LOT of self-reflection and thought..listening to many angles and advice from people. I decided for my own sake, that I would send a final text to say all that I've wanted to say. I did not expect anything AT ALL. Just wanted to close it out. When he responded, I just had to keep in mind the agonizing and waiting I've felt during those 6 weeks. I had to ask myself, do you really want to go through that again? For a month I cried every week and my self-esteem was seriously affected. It wasn't only until about 2 weeks ago that I started picking myself back up. There's a point where you have to look at yourself and realize YOU are the PRIZE. MOA is right about being perceived as "needy" as he told me it was like I was "demanding" him to "do this and that". I didn't "blow" up his phone with texts...as I would text him 1-2 weeks in between. But I can see now how he would take it like that.

Below is what happened.

Me: I expected better from you since you know what happened in my past and why I had a wall. To not say anything is really cruel and cold-hearted. I feel it tells me a lot about your real character. We both have daughters & know we wouldn't want them to be treated like this.

Things you've said to me like "Whatever happens I won't play with your heart and mind, I don't play with people's feelings, I won't hurt you, etc." GAME. Never imagined you to be a hit-it-and-quit-it type of dude.

I really believed in you, but I feel your actions have revealed your true colors. I chose you out of all the men in the world to share what I've held so dear to me for a long time. For the future, hope you realize this & taking advantage can seriously hurt a woman to the core.

His Response:
I'm not cruel. Just was dealing with my daughter and a few other things going on my life. I really didn't like the way you started coming at me with your text messages. Kind of demanding I do this and that. I don't respond very well. To that type of stuff. I don't play with people's feelings. U are right. I have daughters. I told u that one time I would call you. But u started blowing my phone up with those text messages.

Me: Look I called you I texted asking if there was something going on...

Bc it felt uncharacteristic of you

I'm sorry if it came off demanding. I honestly did not want to come off that way.

Him: I said I was going to call you. You didn't let me. So I fall back when people do that. It's something that I really hate.

Me: I believe after you said that you said "or you can call me." But I suggested it would prob be better for you to do that bc you know your availability better? Know what I'm saying?

Ok I see now. But when you don't share that, how would someone know that? I'm not great at reading minds, but can only gather somewhat from actions.

Him: Ok well I'm getting ready for work. I can see how u took it like that. But I certainly won't be labeled a hit it and quit type person. Sorry you feel that way about me.; September 17, 2013 at 1:50 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA, so I didn't respond to the very last text. I felt like he was trying to make me feel bad when I mentioned that. Well after being celibate for a long time then breaking that with him and asking a serious question and then NOT getting any response for 6 weeks...what was I to think? I mean he has daughters...what would he tell his daughters if they were going through the same thing?

I almost had an urge to text back "I'm sorry, you're right you are not a hit it and quit it type of guy."

But basically isn't that what it is? Because if he wasn't then he would've never had me wait THAT long to respond...especially when he knew I gave it up to him after such a LONG TIME. If he says he doesn't play with people's feelings, then what was he doing to me by having me wait and not respond? I really can't think of anything else to say to him. I don't think I should apologize for saying that, even though a part of me wants to.

Then he gives me the same lame excuse. He disappeared for a month before (this was like 4 months before I slept with him) and he used a similar excuse "I've just had a lot of family stuff going on." But then I would see him post on Facebook?! I mean C'MON NOW.

I'm thinking of I have to deal with him shutting down because he doesn't like confrontation then how in the world would we work this out? So that means I have to WATCH what I say to him? Why would I feel like I have to walk on eggshells? I never even gave him an ultimatum. I asked "Where is this going" and if it wasn't going anywhere, that I would be cool with that but I'd appreciate it if he told me. And he still hasn't told me directly...but indirectly he has. And that is by not addressing it and giving me his lame excuses. I honestly was not expecting ANYTHING. But I must've hit a nerve actually telling him he hurt me, touching on his character and saying he's a hit it and quit it type of dude. But that's what happened though, MOA, right?

Bc of he was so serious about me and knowing I broke my celibacy with him, he would've never had me to wait this long. He's still stuck on where he said he would call me regarding his schedule for when he would try to put in more time with me and that I didn't give him a chance to call.But to me, that wasn't the issue. I asked him "where is this going." Still hasn't told me...but actually has told me by his actions. If he was serious, he wouldn't let me get away. He'd show more effort. He'd PROVE it to me over a long period of time.

But I shouldn't apologize...right...ugh, that urge. If it will be, then it will be. But right now it won't be. I'm going to continue to work on myself. I've been back in church and getting involved in it. I've always worked out but joined a new gym and will start taking up yoga. I'm going to begin on my Vision Board and am currently looking into a graduate school program.

MOA, why would he say that he doesn't label himself as a hit it and quit it dude? But for instance still casually sleep with women? Why did he say to me "Sorry you feel that way about me?" Was that a guilt trip?

Am I going to hear from him again? I feel like he is trying to make me second guess myself. Because if he was so bothered about what I said in that recent text, then he would've never had me wait for so long!; September 17, 2013 at 1:52 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi ladies, I wanted to encourage all of you to use NC for detachment from the situation. If things end up working out, great. But first and foremost you need lots of time for clarity. And also, if NC doesn't work the first time, keep trying. I did NC three times before it finally clicked. The first time 6 weeks- not enough time. Second time, five weeks- still not enough time. The third time, three months! Things finally felt different. I realized the problem wasn't him all along. He was actually up front about what he wanted- casual relationship. And I tried making it more- fantasyland.

We had an event that we were both going to be at and I had no idea I'd it was going to be awkward since it had been awhile. I wanted to know what I would be walking into. So I tapped him a text. Now I would never recommend doing this unless you know for certain that things are DONE with this guy as I knew I had felt. I was totally prepared for him not to respond, or be short with his reply, etc. I didn't care anymore at this point. And you know what happened? He was ALL over that text! He immediately responded with a text full of exclamation points and happy faces! Not important what he said, but happy to hear from me. And you know what ladies? It was a total turn off. Knowing he was still right there where I left him and knowing I could get him back if I wanted. Albeit under his conditions, but nonetheless. I ended it with glad we can still be friends, which I'm sure thre him for a loop because it was always "I miss u" or "I want to see you".

So don't jump all over his attempts at reaching you. Make him wonder and want you. And like so many here have said, you may not even want him in the end like I didn't. You can do this. Be strong.; September 17, 2013 at 2:14 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous September 17, 1:50PM,
"But basically isn't that what it is?"

That may be what it ultimately became, however, I don't get the impression that it was his INTENTION to have that happen.

You missed something VERY telling that he said here and it's a point that I make with women quite often. He said:

"I told u that one time I would call you. But u started blowing my phone up with those text messages."

He intended to contact you - but YOU didn't LET HIM do that. Instead, you took the lead (exhibited masculine leading energy) and you attempted to control things and move them along at the pace that suited you, when in reality, he was expressing that he needed some space and time - and you didn't grant that to him :-(

And this is a point that I make with women a LOT. That period when a man pulls back is CRUCIAL - and YOUR behavior determines the ultimate outcome. If he pulls back and you give him the space and time he needs and you remain silent - men generally WILL come around again when they're ready.

BUT, if you don't do that and instead, you begin to pressure them for answers and start digging around as to where you stand or what's going on - many times, they won't return.

So during those periods, it's not HIS behavior that's important ultimately - it's the woman's.

"I'm thinking of I have to deal with him shutting down because he doesn't like confrontation then how in the world would we work this out?"

It won't dear. And you don't beat your head against the wall attempting to change someone. Because you can't control others, you can only control your reaction to them. So instead of trying harder to get the man to change, it's much wiser to just accept that he isn't a match and that this isn't going to make you happy - and then walk away.

"Why would I feel like I have to walk on eggshells?"

If you accept that this isn't a match and that he cannot make you happy and you walk away from this - then you don't have to do that.

"I asked "Where is this going" and if it wasn't going anywhere, that I would be cool with that but I'd appreciate it if he told me. And he still hasn't told me directly...but indirectly he has."

That's the thing, and another point I reiterate here constantly. Confronting men with "talks" is pointless most times because their language is one of ACTION, not WORDS. Which is why I advise women that, if you want to be "heard" by a man, save the words and instead, communicate in their language - the language of ACTION (silence, walking away, etc.)

As you can see, he is communicating with you via his actions - not his words.

"I asked him "where is this going."

Anytime you confront a man like that and create that kind of pressure, they will almost always walk away dear :-(

"I feel like he is trying to make me second guess myself."

Yet another reason why I do not advocate breaking no contact, particularly after six weeks, and then bringing up the past, something that you already worked through - just to have to experience all of the negative feelings of self-doubt all over again :-(

By doing that, you walked right into a situation where you granted him the opportunity to reject you all over again. When things are in the past, many times, they're best left there dear.

I think it's best to just accept that this isn't working and the he's not going to be able to make you happy. I think it's best to leave this in the past and instead, work towards a future that includes a man that's willing to make you happy :-); September 17, 2013 at 5:11 PM
Anonymous said...: So this is it MOA...the last text was the one he sent and I didn't respond. Said he certainly won't label himself as a hit it and quit it type of dude and that "sorry you feel that way about me."

Just leave it there. Sometimes I feel the urge to apologize. I'm just tired of going back and forth. I don't want to sleep with anyone again until I'm married so he would have to deal with that. Plus it's been a year and he's not showing me he wants a commitment.

SO now I just go silent. And if he he wants, he will contact me. If not, then I know for sure he is not the man for me.; September 17, 2013 at 8:09 PM
Unknown said...: Good morning MoA.

Thank you for your insightful articles about human interaction. I'm a 32 year old Leo male & i have found these posts fascinating.

To see these interactions through the eyes of women are a must for all guys. I have done no contact many times without even realizing it...its obvious that it comes naturally to guys. Guys need space, not to pursue other women, but to think about our future & plan ahead. Men are logical when thinking about our futures & we are playful when we deal with women...or at least I am, anyway.

I have a confession to make...I've been a bad boy, I've chased a girl with a boyfriend, however the chemistry & banter we have is awesome. We connected so well, that she said she loves me. It was like a whirlwind & we hit it off like I have never experienced before. Then she disappeared. I sent her an email & no response but I was cool with that, I knew that this was either a hit or miss situation however had fun romancing her. Our connection was awesome & the chemistry was so powerful you could literally plug us into the grid & we'd power the entire NYC for centuries!

I knew she needed time to process, I knew she has a boyfriend, but I was waiting for her response. I didn't write her emails or text her... I just let nature & time do their thing. She's texted me back yesterday after 1.5 weeks & now I am gonna let her wait a week for me. I don't see anything wrong in the game of romance. Its a dance, birds in the wild do dances that looks stupid to us, but turns the female bird on. When a man & a woman are romancing each other, the playful banter, the go away - come a little closer playful behavior is beautiful & its a game played between two people. Its nothing serious or sinister, its just romance. We have our normal lives to be boring & logical, but romancing is about playful fun & fantasy. We go to a place where only we understand, we call each other names that only we know. It breeds intimacy, it breeds adventure, it breeds fun & playfulness from the get go. I'm not gonna be boring, I'm gonna be fun when with her but serious when I work.

I know that it might not work with this current woman, but so what... I'm happy that if nothing happens between us, we've had so much fun & our chemistry was off the hook. I will leave her with only good memories & I will move on.

I love my independence but I also love romance. Its fun & its invigorating. Ladies do not settle for boring ass men, tell them to go play in the traffic. They should be a dying species. Say no to boring, serious fake romance. So no to someone being a "friend" when all they want is to get into your panties.

The romance is just a prelude of what is to come. It's you guys checking each other out, playfully jockeying for position. Romance is a test so step up to the plate with a smile on your face. Be true to yourself. Don't get sad when people don't reciprocate what you feel, you are testing them & they didn't pass... move on.

Too much emotion will render you rigid. Be fluid & light. Be playful & secure. How can someone else make you feel sad when you are testing them? If they aren't for you, be happy that you weeded them out before things got real serious.

Take care ladies & have fun in your romances.

All the best to the awesome MoA! The best relationship site on the web, by far!! You've got it going on girl!

All my love
Brad :); September 18, 2013 at 4:22 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Brad,
Thank you for coming here and sharing that. I think MANY of the women here will find your insights valuable.

And thank you for seeing the point of this post, which isn't malice, and for understanding it for what it really is.

Ladies, I suggest you all read what Brad shared :-); September 18, 2013 at 9:02 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Tiff720,
"Woke up to him lying in my bed next to me; realized we had slept together. I couldn't believe it since I've actually only known him for a week."

Honey, I'm confused - did you black out and miss this event or something? Because how you're wording this sounds to me like you were not even present for this event and it also sounds as if you had no control over yourself as a result - which I'll be honest - is VERY concerning.

When dating, self-discipline is CRUCIAL. It's crucial because if a man witnesses a woman completely letting herself become drunk or careless in any manner, it will signal to him that you don't value yourself:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/08/how-do-you-value-yourself.html

And a man will only place as much value on you - as you place on yourself dear.

"he told me that he thinks. . .I'm not ready for what he has."

I hate to say this dear, but that could be because he got the erroneous impression that you're a "party girl" (I'm sorry) and because he's seeking something serious - he's deemed you as "not ready" for that.

"He keeps telling me soon. Is there another way I should express or tell him?"

Unfortunately dear, the time for that has passed. The first 3 dates are CRUCIAL for making first impressions, setting boundaries and expressing via YOUR actions how you expect to be treated and valued by a man. And I think this event of you two sleeping together and you not being fully "present" for it may have caused him to reconsider some things :-(

"not answer his call or invite him over to my place or go over to his place?"

Like I said, it's a bit late for that dear. As a woman, once you settle for that type of treatment from a man - reversing it becomes near impossible, which is why setting the tone early in the relationship is CRUCIAL. Because if a man sees that a woman is willing to settle for "at home hookup" types of dates, then he's never going to feel compelled to give her "more" than what she's already settled for. It's very difficult to turn the impression from that around unfortunately.

"I shouldn't have to repeat myself or get the things I want."

You shouldn't ever SAY it with WORDS to begin with dear - instead from DAY ONE you SHOW it via YOUR ACTIONS (refusing lame date offers, refusing to go home with a man, etc.)

"I know a man treats you the way that you allow him to treat you."

Unfortunately dear, you've already "settled" a great deal here very early on, and turning that around at this stage is going to be difficult. You only get one chance to make a first impression, ya' know?

You an refuse to go over to his place for dinners, don't explain that you want to go out instead, just make up an excuse and when he offers a lame date, refuse - when he offers a proper date, accept. THAT'S how you set boundaries with men without saying a single word to them about it dear - but be mindful, this needs to be truly be done from DAY ONE as now, at this point, it may be a dollar late and a day short :-(

If he doesn't step up to the plate with proper date offers, then he's not a genuinely interested man. If he genuinely interested, he will amp up his efforts to make you happy and to receive your time and attention.; September 18, 2013 at 3:40 PM
Anonymous said...: hey aprhodite..i have been sating a guy for little over a year now and never me his parents i have spoken to his mom his dad knows of me and i have spoken to his little niece but ive never i have met his family physically recently he sent me a pic of a ring and askedf i wanted to go to his parents 40th anniversary event at there church.. i told him yes.. he called me a day later and told me it was cancelled i believed him just for my friend to call me and say he was on instagram with another chick at his parents event. i askwd him about it and he lied to me. i lov him but things are going dwn hill. we went out to eat and he was trying to hold my hand hug me ans kiss me but i wouldnt.. i later told him tht i felt dissappointed and hurt about him lieinh to me and not only did he cont to lie to me but he just keep sayin the pic aint like tht but he not giving me any reassurance. we were suppose to talk buy he was at the studio so hw said he will call me back when he leave..he didwat he said he would but i was in my feelings so i told him i needed some time and ill call tomorrow.. i called he didnt answer but then called me back.. i called him him back cas i was working i told him o would call him back once i swttle my kid in when i called him back he didnt answer. he tels me he lovs me but i havent met hia family we been kinda distant from him cas i been out of town andwe havent been intimate but i feel like i lost him but i kno hresurface probly tomorrow but i also feel like he trying to side chick me and i cnt have tht. howdo i know if hes in another relationship or not? how do i get him back. i liv him so much. i cnt sweat him buti feel like right now we both have speculations about eachother and i dnt wanna no contact rule hin until i kno more of whats goin on. he wants to be with me more but i dnt invitr him over cas im hurt what shoild i do he say we not togethet then say he lov me and invite me to an event to cancel on me? now hes disappearing at night not answering my calls im in between feelungs right now.; September 20, 2013 at 3:25 AM
Scorpiolady said...: Dear Mirror,

It's me again. Reporting to say I am through with this... I am so tired, and upset.

It's been 10 days since I am replying to his messages - I keep the replies short and more aloof than how I used to reply him.

Actually yesterday a good friend of mine told me he heard some people mention my name, his name and the name of our mutual girlfriend i.e. they were gossiping. IF my friend didn't hear wrongly, this guy COULD have talked to our girl friend about what happened, and people overheard or something... The only thing my friend could grasp was he didn't have enough time for me, or something. It didn't sound like there was anything negative about me.

Whether or not my friend heard correctly, hearing about this upset me.

I realise how I was stupidly holding on, because he's had PLENTY of time to interact with me. I am replying his messages.

And we are STILL acting as if nothing happened between us.

If he wanted to take action, I am right here, yknow? But he's not doing anything.

I am done with sitting around, waiting... even if I am not conscious of it, I am partly waiting for him. My appearance has become slightly more haggard what with the schoolwork load, and I was so discouraged and upset by it... only because subconsciously I was hoping if I looked better, he will come around...

But now I am done with placing such a 'value' on myself on the basis of whether he will come back or not.

I WILL improve. It might take a long time, but to hell with the length of time, because ultimately, I am the one I am doing it for... and I will always be there at the end of the day.

Let me share this, though: a mutual guy friend in our group has been taking a liking to me. I ain't giving it much attention, but it's been in this guy's face. I swear, I didn't plan this.

Just the past Tuesday, this friend was super attentive to me, offering to hold things which were hardly heavy and holding doors for me - and I think it set off this guy to direct similar gentlemanly, but uncharacteristic of him, acts toward our girl friend. Seeing him hold a tiny laptop bag for our girl friend, my gentlemanly friend pointed and laughed, "That's rare."

This friend also asked the guy how his girlfriend is doing. And this guy literally struggled. First he said, "Which one?" After a bit more prompting, he said, "Oh, you mean her? She's my sister."

Well.

Today, I'm thinking that I'm done with this. I thought he'd come around, he'd apologise. I am too tired and upset, and this is draining a lot of me. I hope that once I truly let go, I can begin to be truly happy... instead of acting happy, like I am doing a lot of times nowadays. Although I do get a lot of laughs from it in the meantime too :-)

It could all be over, or it could not be. What do you think, Mirror? Either way, no longer am I doing anything with him in mind anymore. It's too tiring and too upsetting.

(Should this comment be placed in the How Do You Value Yourself page? LOL)

Thank you Mirror, for your patience and time and insights.; September 20, 2013 at 10:33 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Sep 20, 3:25 AM,
"he was on instagram with another chick at his parents event. i askwd him about it and he lied to me. i lov him but things are going dwn hill"

Things aren't going down hill dear - that's called cheating - whether he sleeps with her or not, that's a betrayal :-(

"he tels me he lovs me"

FORGET his WORDS. Are his ACTIONS signifying that he loves you? Unfortunately, they are not dear, and you need to "hear" what his actions are truly saying and ignore his words (lying).

"how do i know if hes in another relationship or not?"

You don't need to know that dear. All you need to know and focus on is that he's treating you poorly, taking you for granted, betraying you with other women and lying to you - which is more than enough information to make an informed decision from.

"how do i get him back."

WHY do you WANT him back? Why do you wish to be with a man that treats you so poorly? Why wish that for yourself?

"i dnt wanna no contact rule hin until i kno more of whats goin on."

The only way you're going to get more answers and know if he genuinely cares about you or not - is to pull back, use NC and see if he pursues you. The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested or not is to see if HE pursues HER.

"now hes disappearing at night not answering my calls"

BIG RED FLAG dear :-( If I were you, I'd use NC immediately for a solid month and I would NOT respond until I received an apology and he expressed a desire to talk - and even then, after this other woman, I probably would still not respond.; September 20, 2013 at 1:07 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA,

when a guys tells you he falls back when "demands" are put on him, does this mean it's over? Or does this mean give him PLENTY of space?; September 20, 2013 at 2:40 PM
Anonymous said...: Last week, on Friday the 13th I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. It was our first argument and I yelled at him. He left me and I am still in shock about it while typing. We were together in our early twenties, about 10 years ago. I cheated on him back then and have regretted it all these years. Time passed by and we would go on a date once a year or at least talk briefly. I have been in other relationships since then, but he stated he has not. He said he has dated women, but no real relationship that I am his true love…I feel the same. When he walked out, he said that he needs space and he doesn’t want a relationship right now. He said we can be friends, but he needs to focus on work. We were apart 10 years, how can he need space?! Four days ago I was basically begging him to reconsider, but he maintained he needs to focus on him. Three days ago, I did what people say not to do after a breakup and we made love. He said I am the best thing that ever happened to him. He left with the comment of coming back over this weekend. I initially said no, but then said yes because he is going to be leaving town for work for at least a month. I want to see him again, but should I go to no contact immediately or can I wait until after I see him once more. We were best friends and trying to make sense of it all. How could he walk away from his "true love"? Will no contact even work after I have broken so many of the no contact rules?; September 21, 2013 at 1:18 AM
Anonymous said...: a guy and i have been friends for more than a year now. he used to never text me first. he has never yet called. but he is prompt in replying. he has improved a bit and texts now but then if i complain about it not being enough, which is often, then he doesnt do even the bit he was doing.
i have a crazy habit of getting into fights and always telling him what i expect. he promises things will change but it makes him pull back.
we had a major fight where i provoked him. he said hurtful things. we dint talk for days. i finally lost patience and texted him. he acted as if everything was normal. even said he missed me.
but when i asked him what went on in his head all the days that we dint talk he said i thought what happenned was bad. and shoudln't have happenned. i asked what did you do about it. nothing. he said then i would ahve contradicted myself. i told him how i too went agaisnt my self respect n texted you. why dint you. then he said i have a trait. i will die with it. i cant ever make the first move.
now i m thinking for how long will i too be motivated to keep this thing going single handedly.
or is it that i should just let it be. which also makes him feel free to be his own. and things will shape as they may be destined.
but how do i stop obssesing over him and not fuss about who initiated. and not get frustrated.
the NC too doesnt work on him as waits for me to break it!
i really want this thing to work. none of us want to call its quits. he never tells me im expecting too much but just reassures my insecurities are false. and i too not want it to fail.
pls advise how to deal qith this situation.
its eating me inside. i cant cope with it. cant concentrate on anything else.; September 21, 2013 at 6:08 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Sep 21, 1:18 AM,
"We were apart 10 years, how can he need space?"

He doesn't trust you and he's afraid you're going to hurt him again :-(

"should I go to no contact immediately or can I wait until after I see him once more."

If you're going to use it to get over him, then you need to begin now. He's already told you that he doesn't want a relationship and, as a result, you need to give him the space he's requested.

If he doesn't want a relationship - the consequence for that is that he receives no availability from you - no response from you, no talking to you and no sex. You don't reward a man that doesn't want to be with you - with sex. Instead, he gets a consequence (no access to you).; September 21, 2013 at 10:16 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Sep 21, 6:08 AM,
"the NC too doesnt work on him as waits for me to break it!"

The NC doesn't work not because HE waits for YOU to break it. NC isn't working here because YOU are BREAKING IT before 30 days.

It's not him dear, it's you :-(

"pls advise how to deal qith this situation."

I think YOU need the space dear. I think you need to use NC for 30 days so you can detach and get your head and emotions back on track and control your impulsive reactions better.

I think NC here is necessary for you dear and I think 30 days free of him will do you a lot of good :-); September 21, 2013 at 10:20 AM
Anonymous said...: @Anonymous Sep 21, 1:18 AM,
"We were apart 10 years, how can he need space?"

I want him back, more so than getting over him. Will NC create that opportunity? Or will it not work at all being he said he doesn't want a relationship right now? Thanks for your response and help.; September 21, 2013 at 11:30 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

I have been casually dating this man who is a Gemini and I'm an aries for a year now. I believe he likes me cus he hasn't been pursuing me since and initiating contact via text. He recently asked to watch movies and I told him I can't due to conflict at work. I texted back and said i can do Wednesday. It's been 2 weeks and I never heard from him since. I don't know what happened and why he would just disappear like that. Should I text him and say hello? is it over?; September 21, 2013 at 12:41 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi. I'm so glad that I found your page because I am going through this right now. I have been dating this guy on and off for about 3 years. He just disappeared on me after we got back from going out of town together. We had dinner when we got back, exchanged a few normal texts after that and then I didn't hear from him for about a month. He sent a text after a month and asked how I was and said that I never returned his call. The thing is he never called me! I would have seen a missed call or received a voicemail and there was nothing. I ignored it. He then sent an evite to me for a bbq he was having, which I ignored. I think he got mad that I ignored him and then sent a text that said, "Babe, it's al right. just hit me up when you want to come over", which I ignored. I thought it was very rude and insulting. He then sent another evite to a bbq, which he had this past weekened. I ignored that one as well. It has been 30 days since I have been ignoring him. What should I do at this point? I feel like he owes me an apology, but feel that I should continue the distance and not contact him? Thanks for your help!; September 23, 2013 at 11:42 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi! this is a good article! My boyfriend broke up with me and does not want me to text because he wants some space. I want to try the NC rule but I can‘t avoid texting him goodnight, but he also replies. What to do? I can‘t keep him out of my mind. its driving me crazy.; September 28, 2013 at 7:36 PM
Anonymous said...: This is great information, thank you. I have a question, ex didn't want to continue rship even though he loved me (due to his mum disapproval of me even though we never met). Will the "no" contact rule work in this case, seeing its a complex situation? warmest regards; October 1, 2013 at 6:55 AM
DanAlt said...: hi, I hope someone can help me with my mixed feelings. I have been in a 18 month relationship with a woman (shes 49, I'm 56). She chased and hounded me like crazy, wanting me to "take her out" which I gave into. Long story short we became inseparable, best friends. We did everything together, which caused my 17 yo son to become jealous of her, in turn she became jealous of him. That became the biggest issue between us. The tension became so strong that I decided that I had enough. We parted on good terms, left it open ended and hoped our differences would somehow work themselves out. I told her to feel free to date other men that it would be unfair of me to hold her back as i got my situation under better control. We continued to talk daily either on phone or by text messaging. After six months she tells me theres another man in her life and I expresses how happy I was for her. Then she tells me that they are getting married in 3 months. Then I react by asking what the big hurry was. She says that she had grown tired of waiting on me, that I would never marry her. BUT she will drop him in a second to be with me if I will marry her. I expressed my love for her and said that I would like to make that our goal because I did want to be with her. Now she has flipped it around and says that she doesnt believe me and has decided to go ahead with her new man. I am truly devasted, I am madly in love with her but I played my cards wrong and feel like I have lost or perhaps I folded to early. I know she loves me but feels having a jealous stepson is too much work. He is really a good kid and plays the part of a 17yo really well! I feel she is the one acting like the teenager though. I have told her to follow her heart and she says that she does love G**g and wants to marry him. I still believe she wants to be with me but is tired of waiting. I have decided to leave her alone, I have been very confident that she will drop him and come running back but now I am having serious doubts. I have talked to her daily for 2 yrs now. As of today its been a whole week since weve talked. I feel like I need to go NC completely and at the same time feel that she has started NC on me! This morning I broke and sent a simple I miss you text... no return. Im feeling very sad at the moment.Hoping something good will happen. Sorry for the rambling but any input would be appreciated,; October 2, 2013 at 12:22 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Dan,
I'm very sorry to hear this my friend. And I'm very sorry that this has happened to you.

Just out of curiosity, was it not possible to sit down with your son in some manner and explain your situation to him? By that I mean, maybe you could've explained to your son that he will be leaving soon, either for school or to start his own life, and that when that happens, he too will find someone he loves and wants to be with and when he does, you will be happy for him - happy that he is happy.

And that when he does that, you will be alone. You deserve to be happy as well and she made you happy. And you would've liked to have her as your companion through life, as he will soon leave and most likely find a companion for himself. Do you think he would've understood?

Because while your children are your first priority, they are also children as well. Meaning, he probably doesn't understand the ramifications of what's happened here and he probably doesn't understand that he has knocked your companion out of the picture, when in reality, he will most likely leave your home soon and find his own, thus denying you your happiness in a sense.

And while your child's needs are of the utmost importance, it's also necessary to put them into perspective as well. Meaning, if your child's needs are valid, then naturally, as a parent you answer that call. However, is a 17 year old's jealousy over a father's new love valid? Or did you make it valid for him? Meaning, did he have a valid reason to be jealous over her, was she truly dominating your time? Or was this simply a 17 year old wishing to dominate your time in an unfair manner simply to "win?"

Because if the jealousy wasn't really valid and was simply a 17 year old attempting to manipulate and control everyone in the house (and we all know how teenagers can be, LOL ;-) - then by breaking up with her, you made it valid for him. Meaning, that choice of yours made his choice to manipulate and control valid. When the reality is, maybe it wasn't valid at all and maybe it was just a teenager acting out in some manner and testing the boundaries of those around him by seeing how much he could manipulate and control the situation in order to come out on top as the victor?

I guess what I'm trying to say is. . .while your child is your top priority, you're also entitled to your own life and happiness as well. And children want lots of things in life, but that doesn't mean they should always receive every single one of those things, just because they stomp their feet and become unbearable about it, ya' know? Because again, 17 years of age is a very touchy age when youngsters do a lot of acting out and testing of boundaries of those around them to see what they can get away with - without having a valid cause to do so.

So I think first you need to decide - was your son's jealousy valid? Or was it simply a typical teenage highly emotional over-reactive testing of boundaries and manipulation of those around him to see how much control he could garner within the home?

If it was valid, you'll probably want to leave things be. If it wasn't and it was just a teenage boy testing his power on those around him so that his voice can be heard - then you may want to have a talk with him and reconsider this situation.

But then that leaves this woman who is marrying a man she really doesn't want to be with it appears, simply so that she can get married. . .which doesn't sound right to me at all.; October 2, 2013 at 8:46 AM
Anonymous said...: Hey mirror eye opening article. Does the no contact rule apply to married women. I hav a self centered, intoxicated ego husband who disrespects, takes me for granted & does the disappearing act. We are in a long distance relationship & he never calls. Hes flirtatious with other women & doesnt acknowledge his bad behaviour in as much as av tried communication my unhappiness in the marriage.

Recently told him i want out of the marriage & he twisted everything blaming me for his infidelity. He is an aries man nkt. Please advise. Am giving him the silent treatment but its tricky when he asks about the kids. #JR; October 2, 2013 at 2:05 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ DanAlt,

“in turn she became jealous of him.”

If I may, I would like to put my 2 cents in.

Sweety, although I understand jealousy (and HATE that horrible feeling when it hits me); a mature woman would not allow herself to act out on her jealousy of a man’s child when she truly loves the man. I’m not saying we don’t get jealous; I’m saying we recognize that child is part of you, and there is a bond between the two of you that can never and should never be broken.

Ms. Mirror is right to question your son’s intentions, teenagers can be little manipulative selfish self-centered so-n-so’s (I say that with pure love). And while questioning our kids’ intentions, I think we also have to think about how we managed situations. I don’t think I did the best job of it in the past. It is hard when you feel like you are between a rock and a hard place in the middle of two people.

But I read something else in your post. You “gave in” to this woman’s pursuit. Why? Why “give in,” rather than join eagerly or pursue her?

I’m sensing that both you, and your son, had trepidations toward this woman from the beginning. You changed your mind; he did not. And your boy did what every teenager does -- he acted out.

With her flip-flopping behavior now, trust your self here. Give yourself time and space from this woman and breath.

And continue to love that boy ;-) You couldn’t pay me to go back to the teenage years with my two (boy do I have stories). My kids are now 30 and 32. To me, they are the most wonderful creatures on this earth.

After my divorce, I got rid of two men because of their feelings towards my kids (which took years to finally show). And over the past five years, I have shared the most amazing relationship with my “babies” that continues to get stronger year by year, and I would not give that up for anything or anyone in this world!

I wish you peace and sunshine! :-); October 2, 2013 at 2:17 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi.

Dated a man 6 weeks, was the most amazing experience I have ever had. Told me early on I was his girl. He took his profile off dating site, he told me I checked off all his boxes, and we connected immediately. He is 52, I am 51, both were married 24/25 years and our exes wanted divorces.

Over this time we had amazing dates, chemistry, passion. He supported me by phone while I was in Mexico at son's wedding, we had some meaningful conversations, and many many similar interests.

Our last date was great, had anticipated our next meeting would involve physical connection. Then, we had a long phone conversation which was very emotional on each side, sharing hurts from past etc. Really great. Over the next few days his work got stressful and he lost a lot of deals. He called and said he was going with his work friend away but would be back as just 2 day trip. He said he would call for weekend plans.

Long story short, he didnt call. I texted 4 days later and he then called me. He told me he had financial issues and needed to retreat, that it wasnt me, but this is how he resolves major issues. I didnt hear anything for 5 days, sent nice text saying I thought of him all week, and missed magic he brought to my life. He sent me a msg saying he had a major major financial setback. It was a very nice msg, and said he would handle and get back with me when he took care of things. I was hurt, and two days later sent him a msg saying I felt like I was shut out, not just put on a different level of importance. I told him I had to move on with my life. Well, within 2 hrs I realized i did out of hurt, and left him a phone msg saying I would like to talk to explain. I havent heard from him.

A few times i have sent little encouraging messages saying despite time I still cared and liked him. Then I sent one saying his silence spoke volumes. :(

I a severely heartbroken. It has been a month since I heard that last msg. No calls, no response to texts. I want to send a long letter of explanation but fear that is a mistake as well.

HELP....havent felt about anyone like I did with him.; October 2, 2013 at 6:26 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA, I posted in Oct 1, just a few posts up, was wondering if you may have any feedback on this? feeling like I might be in a hopeless "no win" situation with using NC.
Any advise would be so great, thank you :-); October 2, 2013 at 9:29 PM
Anonymous said...: I am 50, been dating a man 51 I met online. We are an hour apart. He was married 25 yrs, wife wanted divorce, and he has been single 3 yrs. I was married 24 yrs, husband wanted divorce, divorced 2.5 yrs.

From the moment I met him he sent me dozen roses day after first date, called incessantly or texted, sent song links, has told me he took his profile off day after met me as he really likes me, had a great time dating about once a week. I went to a wedding in Cabo for my son. He texted me, talked to me and supported me while there, etc. I saw him two weeks ago Sun eve for a concert, and had a great time. We have dated 6 weeks.

When we saw each other two weeks ago we planned to see each other that Tues. Then Monday eve he called and said he forgot about an important tax appt and couldnt. We talked two hours about life, feelings, etc. I told him he was very open for being hurt, almost without fear. He said, well let me tell you about you, you are so calm and easy to be around and that allows me to be myself. So it is really because of you. We shared hurts from past divorces etc.

Then, he had credit card stolen and accts opened and dealt with that on Tues with appt on taxes. Then, on Wed he called me and said a bunch of deals fell apart, and a guy from work offered to let him go to mountains with him for two days, and he would be gone Thurs, Fri, back Sat morning. The friend's wife and son were flying in on Sat. and he would be back. I didnt hear ANYTHING Thurs, Fri, Sat. so Sun I sent a message saying I felt like i was getting mixed messages as he called all the time and now nothing. He called, said he was really stressed about work, and thought his 17 yo daughter may be developing an eating disorder. He explained he wears his feelings on his sleeve, and that he retreats to solve problems. He said he was sorry, but that it wasnt me I was wonderful. So, I told him if he needed space it was fine, that he just needs to communicate with me so I know.

So, that was Sun, nothing for three days. Thurs. I texted him I thought of him all week and missed the magic he brought to his life. He texted me saying, " Ohhh, give me a little time to find my smile. I have had a couple things knock me sideways. I am working on perspective, humility, and gratitude. I have had a major, major financial set back and as the responsible father of my girls I have to rally a bit and man up.Ill get there and I promise i will get back to you.

Nothing after that for three days. I finally texted him that I felt like he shut me out and that I havent been left with anything to hold onto, so I have to move on with my life. I apologized for his struggling and wished him the best of outcomes. A few hours later I realized I didnt want to push him away, but I was just hurt. I left a message saying I sent the text based on emotions without checking with my logic. I told him I would like to talk if he had time.

I didnt hear back. Then I waited and sent a nice text a week later. He didnt respond, so I sent a text saying his silence speaks volumes. Since then I sent another nice message a couple weeks later, uplifting nothing negative.

I realize after reading I shouldnt have done any of this, but here I am.

What do I do, I havent met anyone I am so crazy about since my divorce. We connected magically from day one...passion, chemistry, similar lifestyles, interests, etc. I have been hurt and upset visibly for a month now. Sigh....

VERY sad and need some insight as to thoughts on this. Thanks; October 3, 2013 at 12:37 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,
How does No Contact work in this case, if I say:
- Spent two days hanging out with that man because he was on holidays in India (my country) & I was showing him around?
- He called & spoke to me before getting on plane, left message on inst msg & chatted with me before dept?
- Then, for 7 days he make No Contact. And on 7th day, he inst msgs me.
How does No Contact apply here?
Laila; October 4, 2013 at 5:49 PM
Confused Libra said...: HI Mirror, I love your posts and find them so insightful and definitely helpful!

Please help me with this situation! I'm a Libra woman and have been dating this Libra guy for nearly 10 months and everything started out really great. We were crazy about each other for the first couple months. The only thing that kind of throws the both of us off (more on his end) is our 14 year age difference. He hasn't introduced me to his friends or his daughter yet but he talks to me about them all the time. I feel as if he doesn't see a future with me and that's why he doesn't bother to introduce me to anyone. He has disappeared on me before for a month at most I believe, but always ends up resurfacing and we talk about what happened and I'm usually angry and he always will explain and want me back. I would come back because I love him company and didn't think it'd hurt to see him again. He never really shows me any affection through his words. He's NEVER said he missed me and it hurts because I want to hear those words from him. I don't generally tell him I miss him either because I feel he won't say it back.

He use to always text me around 1pm but for months he's stopped. I would always be the one to text him when I wanted to see him and usually he would say yes but I'm tired of not being chased after. It's been a while since he's texted me first. Anyways recently last week I texted him telling him I got my phone stolen and that I wanted to see him. All he said was "oh shit no way" and I told him I missed him and asked if he ever misses me (I gave into telling him my feelings as I felt so much distant between us) I told him he never told me he missed me and he tried to make a joke. I said "soooo do you ever miss me? nevermind, that's something youll probably never say to me". he then replies with "lover not a fighter" I replied hours later and wanted to tell him i missed him so the ball would be in his court. the next day he texts me and asked if I got a new phone, in a way to just initiate contact. I've noticed he always will text me something random just to talk to me. I saw him that night and he was telling me his friend wanted him to rent out a condo with her. I was getting upset as this was over dinner and that would mean we might not be living 10 minutes apart anymore. I told him I didn't want to talk about it because it was upsetting me. Later I asked if he did move, would he tell me. He never answered me and ignored my question. The next morning I told him he was always on his phone but never texts me or tells me he misses me. He ignored that again and instantly changed the subject and I got up without saying anything and just went on my laptop. He knew there was lots of tension between us but when he went to shower, I just left without saying a word. He texted me a picture of how girls cuddle because I also asked him why he never wants to cuddle with me in an attempt to get on my good side again. I didn't reply and it's been about 3 days. He usually likes my picture on instagram but didn't like my picture i posted up today. I don't know how to feel about this, I think it's coming down on me that this may very well be the end and am honestly really bummed out about it. I need more from him and he isn't willing to give me anymore. I don't feel included in his life and wish I did. I just don't feel wanted but no contact is so difficult. Do you think he will come back to me? What further actions should I take? I'm not quite sure how to feel.

Mirror please help me with this!

-- Confused Libra; October 5, 2013 at 11:56 PM
pisces girl said...: Hi Mirror I feel pretty pathetic for admitting this but ever since that last text from asshole scorpio saying I wasn't worth shit I cant stop thinking about him- part of me is waiting for an apology text from him for being so disgustingly rude and hurtful -I just can believe someone could come on so strong and make me believe he was really interested in me only to find out it was all a big lie in an attempt to use me I really do hate him for that but part of me misses the constant communication because I don't really talk or text anyone else-it just gets lonely sometimes despite my trying my hardest to keep super busy all the time I feel like I need that male attention and its not there it gets hard at times. I've honestly been so tempted to text him and tell him all the things I should of said last Friday when he text me that but at that time I was just so shocked and hurt that I couldn't even respond. I know it would be a big mistake but it really bugs me that he said that to me and I said nothing -if a guy is insulting and degrading shouldn't we always stand up for ourselves and give them a piece of our mind or do you think its better to take the high road, stay silent and leave it to karma to deal with their sorry asses? i know i NEVER wanna be with this loser but the fact that he came into my life came on so strong and so fast and then left just as fast but still managed to have an affect on me really bothers me! i cant believe i was susceptible to his bullshit i wish i could go back in time and say what should of been said then but its definitely too late now.. right?? i would never want him to think that ive thinking about him or care but those words keep replaying in my head and its not fair :(; October 6, 2013 at 9:42 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Confused Libra,
I'm Laila - checking regularly Mirror's page on this topic as I've myself put up a question to Mirror & awaiting an answer.
I'm really sorry to hear how you've been dealing with this situation - believe me, I can sense your pain, frustration, restlessness & disappointment.
I feel that one thing you did right is, No Contact - either he'll turn up & realised he truly needs you as a partner for life, or, he may never come back & it's up to you to realize that he was always a 'player' & never intended to include you in his life like you wished for & like you included him in yours.
I think you shouldn't contact him again - not all relationships have firm closures, sometimes, closures can be like that too. If he ever comes back, be objective in understanding 'WHY' did he come back after all? Is it because he realized he truly loves you or is it for something else (like sleeping together) ?
I'd be glad to hear you move on to a beautiful man if that ever existed & receive lots of warmth, care & love from that person.
Wishing you best of luck,
Laila; October 7, 2013 at 5:00 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pisces Girl,
"if a guy is insulting and degrading shouldn't we always stand up for ourselves and give them a piece of our mind"

You ARE standing up for yourself dear, by showing him CONSEQUENCES for his actions. And those consequences aren't WORDS (which fly in one ear then right out the other), those consequences are ACTIONS - no access to you.

Trust me, he'll take this much more seriously than if you were to phone him and go nuts yelling and screaming. When women behave like that, men do NOT take them seriously. Instead, they look at it as over-reacting and over emotional and they have a tendency to minimize whatever the woman is saying and/or downright ignore it.

Do you think for one minute that a guy like this even GIVES a shit dear? Meaning, do you really think a guy like that would sit and listen to that and be attentive during that conversation and apologetic? Nope. He'd snicker, laugh, minimize, call you crazy - and he'd make a big damn joke of it. Because he's immature and he's no longer trying to hide the fact that he's seeking a woman to use for lifestyle purposes.

Do not walk into that. Do not hand him an opportunity to further insult you or to mock you. Stay silent, practice self-discipline and put your coping skills to work to deal with the anxiety that's lingering and you'll be fine, this will pass. Leave this one surrounded by silence.; October 7, 2013 at 8:45 AM
pisces girl said...: thanks so much Mirror ((hugs)) i didnt want to ring him up and ream him out or anything because you're absolutely right he wouldnt hear any of that and then he would just think im crazy for sure but dealing with asshole men ive become very skilled at saying just a few cutting words (when necessary) while keeping a very calm demeanor and i just regret not doing that with this little punk in the moment when i had the chance because there is soo much i could of said to make him feel like the piece of shit he truly is (like i mentioned previously i made a lengthy list of cons) but i guess since i didnt text him right in that moment its too late now and i shouldnt bother you're right ill leave this one surrounded by silence and he can hear the echo of his words to me and hopefully i'll just look like the bigger person, more dignified and mature for not going down to his level.; October 7, 2013 at 11:24 AM
Gemini50 said...: @ Anonymous Oct 3, 12:37 AM

"What do I do"

Sweety, you wrap your arms around yourself and hold real tight. You do not contact him again; and when he does contact you, BECAUSE HE WILL -- you don't respond for 30 days. He's been behaving with no consideration for you, so you show him that you won't take his crap by not responding to him. And forget about being all nicey, nicey and understanding. You've only known this man for a month and he's acting like this? And don't take his excuses as truth. He has to prove his intergrity to you first before you believe anything from him, and what has he proven to you so far?

Have you read Ms. Mirror's piece on the disappearing man? If not, do it. It will open your eyes. And the posts -- the posts are much the same throughout, and the results likewise. The guys come back. The challenge for you now is to take care of yourself, put space between your thoughts and this man, and when he does come back, decide if it's what you want.

And read as much as you can here. When I would feel panicked or stressed or scared or hurt or desperate, I would come here to read the posts and Ms. Mirror's guidance. It helps.

Do it for yourself.

HUGS!; October 7, 2013 at 5:53 PM
Confused Libra said...: Hi Laila,

Thanks for replying and giving me your 2cents! Last night I realized I wasn't acting like myself and told myself to stop being so emotional! I went back to my normal positive attitude and want to just focus on myself. I was having dinner with one of my gym buddies and he told me he finds my personality very attractive and made me instantly realize if the guy I'm dating right now doesn't appreciate me, there are plenty of men who look for what you have to give. I especially think everyone should realize that. One thing somebody doesn't like about you, somebody else out there is actively searching for that specifically! There will be someone who can appreciate you and there WILL be another person who can fulfill you better. Although I do miss him, taking care of myself and watching out for myself and my feelings is a lot more important than trying to include myself in somebody's life who doesn't welcome me in. I hope things turn up for you too Laila and don't forget to always put your well being in front of another man's! <3

--No Longer Confused Libra ;); October 7, 2013 at 9:11 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks Geminii50 for your input.

Mirror...I would love your thoughts as well. So sad :(

Anonymous Oct 3, 12:37 AM; October 8, 2013 at 11:02 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello No Longer Confused Libra,
Glad to hear from you.
Correct me if I'm wrong but I sense hope for a better future in your message tone. I hope it lasts & you don't fall in despair, self-doubt or loathing about yourself, at least till you find that beautiful man.
I can totally relate to your pain when it comes to re-educate yourself to this new life - devoid of him (his presence) but I assure you that you'll overcome it as hours, days, weeks & months pass by. Who knows, you may even meet that special one soon?! Life's too unpredictable. Hang on, on it, till you're living it.
My motto is 'date with dignity' just as much as I'd like to live with dignity.
As for my case, I've replied by a 'hello, i'm fine and how you' on inst msg. When I gave it a thought later, I realised I shouldn't allow 'this' to pursue because i found myself in doubt about this situation. And, the moment doubt instils, it means you aren't certain and when you aren't uncertain, it's a RED FLAG.
Be strong & confident.
Best wishes,
Laila; October 8, 2013 at 12:19 PM
Libra said...: Hi Laila!

Thank you so much! I do sense a better future for me and you and am just staying positive. I do hope it lasts too, I can't let it tear me down more than it already has. What you and I really need is just time to sort out our feelings and logic. You're right, I've had so many people today tell me that life is really unpredictable and all you have to do is brace yourself for anything to come or it will consume you.

I think your moto is great! Good for you! You're completely right, don't allow things like this to happen. It should be easy to figure out if it was right for you. Dating men is games in the beginning until you keep them on their toes long enough and that is how we test men and how men test us. Raise your weapons hun, life works in mysterious ways but that's the fun and intriguing part about it. You never know if or when he might come back and by the time he does you may very well have already moved on and found somebody who deserves all the wonderful things you have to offer! :)
Best of luck to you and your future romances;)

-- Libra; October 9, 2013 at 3:32 AM
chk61 said...: @ Anonymous Oct 3, 12:37 AM
Agree with Gemini50. You do nothing, and when he contacts you (if he does, there are no guarantees of course) you do not jump. You make him wait. 30 days is a great idea. I've been in no contact 30 days today with a guy. I think he may be one of the rare guys who stays disappeared so I'm committed to complete No Contact, and I'll take it 30 days at a time.

I know how tough it is to date at this age. I met my said guy online, I was 51 and he was 45. He had had an older girlfriend before me so he seemed fine with our age difference. He also disappeared on me after 6 weeks. I contacted him twice via email with very light breezy emails but I never accused him of sending mixed messages, or told him he has to communicate with me to let me know what is going on. I'm sure you know this now in retrospect, but that is too much pressure after 6 weeks. Then after two months I contacted him and we started up again (mostly initiated by me) but he disappeared again 30 days ago. I have not seen him physically for almost two months. Sigh. It's OK. I will be fine.

So it's tough to learn these lessons again at our age but as Mirror often says, with men LESS is MORE. If a man disappears within 6 weeks of meeting him, you mirror his actions. If he stops calling or texting, you don't call or text him. And you certainly don't tell him that he's sending mixed messages. You disappear ON HIM. You turn the tables on him and you make him wonder what is up with YOU.

It was hard to read your post because I could empathize and have been there but you played right into his hand through your repeated attempts to find out what happened. We lose our power as women when we do this and we have a LOT of power. We have to remember this. So we learn from the pain we feel after these disappointments that we do NOT let a man make us feel this way again. If he pulls back, WE PULL BACK. We do not chase, we don't try to find out where his head is at, we don't get emotional or cajole, and we don't try to make him behave the way we want him to. Because this sort if thing just pushes them further away. So when a man starts acting flaky and pulls away, we swallow our pride and remind ourselves of our worth. We keep our mouths shut and our fingers quiet. We remind ourselves that we were FINE before we met said man and we'll be FINE without him.

I have read that men fall in love with the spaces between. Women tend to want to know where we stand and our anxiety in the early stages is a romance and attraction killer. We women need to learn to take deep breaths, be patient, revel in our power, step back and not let ourselves get carried away in the early stages of dating. It's all a crap shoot anyway and men often just say all kinds of stuff that they don't necessarily mean. We must watch their actions and not listen to their words so much.

As Mirror says, men understand ACTION and so we need to learn to relate to them in this way. If his action is to disappear, then we respond with the same action. WE DO NOTHING. Bombarding him with texts, calls, inquiries never, ever, ever works. I'm sorry for what you have gone through but sometimes we (and I am including myself in this) have to re-learn lessons in love over and over. Stay strong and you will be fine with or without him!; October 10, 2013 at 6:25 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
Good for YOU! You sound much stronger dear and you sound as if you're finding your "groove" so-to-speak. And look, now you're here helping others as well :-)

Continue to build on your strength and in time, you will find that there IS a payoff.; October 11, 2013 at 7:27 AM
Anonymous said...: @chk61

Thanks...yes it is difficult as everything I felt was over the top. In 4 years of dating since divorce I havent ever felt so special, interested, excited, or crazy about someone. It is hurtful for sure.

I have come to realize in the space of time that I did really deserve to have someone who would continue to reach out even if he had issues. If he shut down then he didnt really cherish what we were building, or just couldn't handle it at that time. Either way, I should have accepted and backed off. PLUS, I have learned a lot about the space they create and that is how men "are". They are so different from us in that way. As you said space for them often creates more attraction, and we view it the opposite. Lots to learn when stepping back into dating after 24 years of marriage. Sigh...

I have really lost track of time here, but I think the last time I sent him a message was 3 weeks ago. His birthday is in two days and I was going to send him an email but I have since decided not to. Honestly, I have come to realize that any time anything worked with a man I never had to question it. They just kept coming at me and I never had to wonder what was going on. SO, as much as I think this was my guy and everything was storybook maybe I have lessons to learn from this too. It is just so terribly painful to learn them.

I feel stronger now. Honestly, last week I went to see my sister an hour away and while we were out hiking I met a guy my age on the trail. We saw each other for hiking next day(threesome with my sister) and had mimosas in the jacuzzi after, and last night he drove down and took me to dinner. Saturday we are bike riding at the beach. I am just taking it slow here...no real thoughts of ANYTHING.

I am trying to figure out what it is I am really needing in my life. I think I know, and then every time I meet someone new I see things and feel things I may not have before. Honestly though, after all the dating I am questioning a lot right now. I don't feel the over the top excitement with new guy like I did with last one, but is that bad? He is good looking very slow moving, but maybe that is good. How do you know what you need, is it normal to keep questioning this?

I think at the top of my list is trust, having someone with character I can respect. Those seem hard to find. But, I don't want to give up the other things either. Sometimes I think the all alluring, renaissance man should just become a want, and not a need. Maybe a simple man is really better.....pondering.

Thanks for your thoughts, and thanks Mirror for having this outlet where we can feel like we have support from others who have traveled in our path.

Hugs to everyone.

Anonymous Oct 3, 12:37 AM; October 11, 2013 at 12:11 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi I need your help I met up with an old school friend who I hadn't seen for yrs we had grown up together and only lost contact at about 16yrs of age. And then met up now at aged 36. We had a several dates then slept together it felt so right - we texted each other constantly and he told me I was wonderful as I did him - all this happened in the space of 6wks. He came and cut the grass for me, bought me a beautiful bunch of flowers all after we had started sleeping together. we got on and talked and had so much in common. We had both been in long term relationships prior which hadn't been ended long and I do know he was still in touch with his ex but he was quite open about it. Then we had arranged to go to the races together something which he initiated . He came round the night prior and we agreed that things were moving too fast and to take a step back then the following night at 330am I received this text message -

I really don't know what to say other than Im really sorry I cant do this right now, something doesn't feel right. I just don't know what it is . I didn't sleep all last night thinking about you and I and its troubled me all day today. I do really enjoy spending time with you and when we are together Im very happy, I truly think you are great and Ive meant everything I have said to you about you. I have very strong feelings for you and I respect you so much which is why I am being totally honest. I need some time to get things right in my own mind, understand what I want for my future. I know the type of person I want to be with and you have so many of those qualities I desire but now feels like the wrong time, maybe its too soon and I need to have sometime on my own . I do have some doubts about emigrating and I have known your intensions from the start . It does interest me but would I go though with it ? I really don't know and this could pose a problem. I really am struggling right now as to what is the right thing to do and I don't want to hurt you now or ever! Im so sorry all this is in a text but its hard for me to voice my feelings until I put pen to paper. I hope you understand and at least some of what I am saying makes sense, I am truly sorry x"

Im devastated - in respect of the emigrating I had lived abroad for 9 years and we had discussed moving back over together in the future if we were still together. I did say during sex that I loved him too (I know I feel such an idiot). I haven't responded to the message I couldn't believe that someone I had grown up with could end it by text. What should I do? Do you think I was just a rebound relationship!! Any help would be most appreciated. Should I reply - judging by the above am I meant to employ the 30day rule. He hasn't text again since; October 11, 2013 at 2:39 PM
pisces girl said...: 2 weeks as of today-no contact! im proud of myself i was tempted at times to tell him what a loser he is but glad ive stayed silent looking forward to reaching the 30 day mark!; October 11, 2013 at 5:03 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous October 11, 2:39PM,
"What should I do?"

Nothing dear. Nothing you do or say is going to change this right now. Be thankful that he was a gentleman with you and he was honest about what was going on inside his head - instead of carrying this along and hurting you more like many other men choose to do.

Any communication right now will most likely only lead to confrontation and/or defensiveness. Let things be as they are right now - SILENT. Let that stick with him and give him the space he needs right now. If he cares, he'll be back dear :-); October 12, 2013 at 8:22 AM
chk61 said...: @Anonymous 10/11/2013 at 12:11PM:

I totally get it. Getting over a failed romantic prospect who seemed so promising is VERY painful. I just realized I had not seen my disappearing man for almost 3 months. The last time I saw him was July 20th and the last time we had any interaction (email) was September 10th. I am still sad about it. I think I definitely am idealizing him and I'm more sad about not having a partner than having HIM as a partner. Although I do think he is looking for a relationship and I think perhaps he treats those women differently, the ones he has felt were relationship material. In the beginning he did really like me but he did try to set up a date at his house right away and obviously, getting me in the sack was his number one priority. In spite of this, I was very attracted to him and thus acted in ways that probably did not behoove me, e.g after our 2.5 month "break" I contacted him, I initiated dates, I checked in with him instead of waiting for him to contact me. If I hadn't contacted him after he disappeared back in February, I often wonder if he would have eventually contacted me (or not). When I did email him in April, he responded a few hours later and said he had been thinking of me and was going to contact me. I remember Mirror saying "see Chk61, he was going to contact you" but in retrospect, his saying that may have just been a line. So I had a summer of essentially a "fling" with a 6 years younger attractive "player" type: man, mostly initiated by me, and here I am dealing with the emotional fall out.

I think about him every day, most mornings I wake up with thoughts of him. I hate to admit that but I do. Unfortunately I have a history of being a bit obsessive about men who don't want me (I don't think I'm that unusual - many people want what they can't have). Last week I went on a date with a guy from the online dating site and while I had a pleasant enough time, I haven't thought about him much since. He emailed me the next morning to thank me for coming out, I replied within a few hours thanking him and I haven't heard back from him but guess what - I don't care.

That's great you are feeling stronger. With continued no contact you will get stronger each day. I know that in time, his grip on my thoughts will lessen and I have to continue to bring myself back to reality and not descend into fantasy-land.

I hope you did not send him the birthday message...you are correct, if it is this much work and we have to ask ourselves "should I?" the answer is usually NO. When in doubt, DO NOTHING.

Hang in there. As will I. At 52, I am working towards acceptance. I never thought I would be this age and still trying to find a partner. Some days I just feel hopeless and I have the accept the possibility that it might be over. I still have hope but I can't date men I am not attracted to. There are men who like me, so technically I could have a boyfriend, but I have no desire to kiss them/be physical with him so what would be the point? Everyone wants that, so it would not be fair to me or the guy to just 'settle' to have a man in my life.

And @Mirror, thanks. I do feel better. I have the tools, I have the knowledge, I have the power to keep the faith and stay strong. I will absolutely under NO circumstances contact this guy. Even if involves putting on handcuffs. :-); October 12, 2013 at 8:27 AM
Scorpiolady said...: Hullo Mirror and all the lovely ladies here!

Just an update...

I am at a much more peaceful and calm place than before :-)

And there is truth in that men (or boys) do develop feelings in our absence, something I did not grasp nor dare believe before. I made myself scarce for a period of time - and then we met up in a group. After that meeting (which was a week ago), he's been messaging me daily - even if I ignore him, he tries again, talking about my topics of interest and schoolwork, etc.

So I allow myself to reply him - although I really take my time. I take it as a practice to detach from him. When I receive a message, I simply continue to do whatever I've been doing. Then when I feel like it, I view his messages and reply him like I would any other friend. And then I push him to the back of my mind - and not expect or look forward to his reply. Whenever I get anxious or begin to feel insecure, rather than check my messages, I read pages from Sherry Argov's two books again and again :-)

And I feel like I'm slowly becoming free. Not only that, but through this whole process, I come to learn about the importance of being whole and fulfilled by myself. And I desire that - to be my own dreamgirl. That comes first before any other relationship.

I also learned how to have faith and hope... to step back and give the guy space. In fact, give him lots of space, no fear.

Just wanted to share how I'm working on my situation now, and at the same time being so amazed at how I am two different persons before and after. I wouldn't have changed a single thing how I dealt with this situation :-)

Stay strong ladies!; October 13, 2013 at 11:24 AM
Adriana said...: Hi Mirror, thank you for taking the time to write this blog. I wish I had known about it a year ago. I hope you can answer my question. I'm about to initiate no contact with my ex since he says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me and needs space but my birthday is in two weeks and I want to know what I should do if he contacts me to ask me to go for dinner to celebrate my birthday or if he messages me happy birthday. I know him well enough to know that he will do at least one of those things. Do I still ignore him? I know before you commented that you should never ignore a kind gesture but if I respond to him, then I would be breaking no contact and he wouldn't get to the point where he starts missing me. Both of us are to blame for our relationship not working out and although I've apologized for the role I played in things getting bad between us, he has never gotten to the point where he deeply regrets the way he's treated me.; October 16, 2013 at 1:02 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Adriana,
No, no contact means exactly that - no contact, no response - for 30 days. Doesn't matter why he's contacting you, he gets no response.; October 16, 2013 at 8:34 AM
Anonymous said...: Along with everyone else here, thank you so much for writing this. It has really helped me. It takes work to re-train your brain that you don't always have to "do something". I am trying to employ 30 day no contact to get my own space from someone whose behavior with me is inconsistent and I usually end up hurt by it. I recently had to see this person at work. We said hello and after that I was able to avoid him. However, do I have to "start over" or just continue as if it's still part of the 30 days. Any input is appreciated! Thank you.; October 16, 2013 at 10:23 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, I've got two scenarios with different men and how to employ the no contact rule.

The first is, I've just read your article and trying to incorporate it correctly into my situation. So my first day of no contact started the day after I text him last and didn't hear back off him. Now if he contacts me within the 30 days period, is it ok that my no contact starts from when I just said or do I need to start another 30 days from his contact?

Scenario 2 - My disappearing man - I did the 30 days no contact and he didn't try to contact me in that time, however, he contacted me 3mths later. I never had a relationship with him, we were supposed to meet but never did and he has re approached me on this. So how long do I wait to respond? This never got off the ground and marginally fits the casual dating as we never have met, so I'm thinking that another 30 days of no contact on top of the 3mths seems a bit pointless and to mirror his 3mths seems at a bit over the top too. So what do you think?

thank you; October 16, 2013 at 6:07 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Moa this is Jordan, I wrote to you back on August 15th 248pm and explained how my BF broke up with me as he wanted to work on his career and all that other stuff. Well anyway I have been doing good and moved on with my life, however not dating anyone as I decided to put dating on hold due to 2yrs of being with my ex, I needed to focus on myself. Well anyway it has been 3months since we last spoke and out of the blue he texts me hello so I said hello back, then he decided after texting he would call. So I didn't answer as I didn't know what to do. Well he called back so this time I decided to answer after all it's been 3months. Well we talked and not once did he apologize about anything but wanted to know if he could see me. I was really surprised because why after all this time does he wants to see me. I said well ok how does next week sound, we could meet for lunch or an early dinner, he proceeded to say dinner sounds good but he wanted to know if he could see me sooner because he misses me and want to give me a hug and kiss. Now I am really confused because he said he didnt want to wait unitl next week and wanted to see me right away because he needed me phycially. I was floored!! After 3months he assumes that he can just call me and I drop my life for him and sleep with him!! So I played his game and said ok well how about I come to your house next week and we can talk about it. He said well you can't come to my house because of his son being there but I can come to yours and then proceeded to say that he's doesn't want to get back together right away, he just want to take it day by day but wanted to know if I ok with just a sexual relationship now because he hasn't been able to get me off of his mind as we had a wonderful sex life. LMAO I said do you think I am stupid, why I you calling me with this BS! I said obviously you were cheating on me for the 2yrs we were together and this is your pattern. You have a main woman and a chic on the side. He then said he knew he shouldn't have called me because of all of my questions and he doenst want any drama, just wants me be easy...lol What have men come to Moa? Has it became this bad out here? Did he really think I was supose to be happy to hear from him and accomodate him and drop my panties for him just like that? Well I am now assuming after he and I broke up his side chic became his main woman and now he realizes the grass wasn't greener on the other side and now has the nerve to want to have a sexual only relationship with me. I laughed and told him to get a life!! Anyway I am so glad for this site as you have helped me so much to recognize how men play woman even when your in a committed relationship. I was so blind before but I have his number now and feel so vindicated! I hung up and asked that he never called me again, he's been calling everyday but I just reject the call. Ok I just wanted to give you and update after all this time. Again thanks for everything Jordan!; October 16, 2013 at 9:55 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Jordan,
"Did he really think I was supose to be happy to hear from him and accomodate him and drop my panties for him just like that?"

Unfortunately dear, when you respond prior to them issuing an apology and expressing remorse - you signal to them that you're willing to settle for the poor treatment and continue to see them in spite of it :-( Which is why I suggest that women do not make it easy for a disappearing man to get back into their lives. Instead, of making one lame attempt and then getting right back in the door - you need to make them make repeated attempts and prove themselves as genuinely interested. Otherwise, this is what happens :-(

"I have his number now and feel so vindicated! I hung up and asked that he never called me again, he's been calling everyday but I just reject the call."

Perfect. That's exactly how you handle a man like that. He doesn't deserve any respect from you because he's disrespectful to you by asking you to degrade yourself and let him use you physically. You do not reward ignorant behavior with your time and attention. Keep this type of negativity and these types of men OUT of your life dear, as they will always only ever bring you pain :-); October 17, 2013 at 9:15 AM
Anonymous said...: Hey :) how cn i contact you in private plz ?; October 17, 2013 at 8:28 PM
Anonymous said...: So I've just read your article and it's very intriguing to me.

I've recently met this guy, let's call him D, through a friend and the first night we met, he asked for my number and I gave it to him. We parted ways and he ended up calling me 10 minutes later saying he didn't want to stop talking to me. So we talked for a few minutes then hung up. The next day, he texts me "good afternoon" and we end up texting back and forth. This goes on for a few days and I grew to become attracted to him through our conversations so I asked him to come out with some friends and me the next week. We hung out all night and really enjoyed each other's company. We eventually parted ways and he texts me saying he doesn't want the night to end. So we end up hanging out at a park near my house. Again, we enjoyed each others company. The next day, I went out with some friends and he ended up coming with our mutual friend to the bar I was at. Same thing. We enjoyed each other's company, had a good time, and we hung out at the park again. Then we both parted ways.

So for 2 weeks, he texted me "good morning" every morning and we would text throughout the day and saw each other once during the day before I had a volleyball tournament. The week after, he injured his leg and called me one night after he got out of work because he was at a night clinic to get his leg checked. So I went and hung out with him while he waited and waited for him to come out. We ended up going to his house to hang out and one thing led to another. Yes, I realize it was too soon for anything like that to happen but I felt comfortable enough with him. I eventually left his house and he ended up texting me when I got home. The next day, he texted "good afternoon" and we texted as usual, and it goes like that for the next few days. One day, he didn't text me so I ended up texting first saying "good afternoon" and we text a little but then he stopped replying. The next day, I didn't get a "good morning" text so I start to wonder if something was off. So I didn't text him and later that day he texted me around 6:30 asking what I was doing and if I wanted to go watch a football game at a restaurant with him and some friends at around 8:30. So I caved in and said yes. I went, and it was just him, his bestfriend and me which was kind of awkward for the best friend because D was paying attention to me most of the time. Which I thought was interesting because his bestfriend was only down here for a few days.; October 17, 2013 at 10:37 PM
Anonymous said...: His bestfriend went to the car to charge his phone and didn't come back for a while so he ended up asking me about the time we were together. At his house. So we talked about it, and I talked about how I never did this kind of stuff. Like hang out with a guy who wasn't my boyfriend. Because I was either always in a relationship, or just single. And not talking to anyone or being physical with anyone. So I told him that, and he said he doesn't want anything serious and he doesn't want a relationship because in the 7 year relationship he had, he ended up lying and cheating. And he doesn't want that to happen again. He said he doesn't know if what's going on between us could lead to anything serious later but that he does like me and enjoys hanging out with me. Anyways, so I needed to go home after the game due to some studying I had to do, but he really wanted me to go home with him. I was keen on going home by myself and not with him so he walked away. He was pretty drunk, also. He texted me half an hour later saying that he really wanted to see me, meaning he really wanted me to go home with him.

It's been 2 weeks and I haven't hung out with him since, and except for one time, I'm the one texting him first. He asked "When am I going to see you again?" and made plans with me after he asked but he had to cancel the day of because something came up. And now, I feel like all he wanted from me was the one thing I had already given him. Which I regret now...

But now, whether it's too late or too soon to tell, I'm wondering if I should do the 30-day no contact with him? I realize that I don't want a relationship or anything serious as well, but that I do enjoy hanging out with him and spending time with him. But, I don't want to be the one asking him to hang out or text him. And maybe, I want him to be the next guy I eventually get in a relationship with.

So thanks for taking the time to read this, and I hope you can give me the advice I need to hear =); October 17, 2013 at 10:37 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi there, i have been reading your blog and i now, sadly, realise i made so many mistakes in my on off 4 yr relationship, basically i did everything you say not to!! :/
my bf now treats me as an option, i find im way down on the list, he even tells me he knows im not going any where...ugh!! i recently asked if would could dial things right back and start over slowly, because i now feel like he only visits when he can be arsed to fit me in and started to feel used.
So i asked him to be the man and let me relax so i can go off n do my own thing and let him contact me.
He said that’s cool with him and he`d see me soon!? that was 5 days a go and i have no contact with him. In the past i made 98% of contact and my friend says he doesn’t bother to contact me cos he knows i will eventually get in touch!! shes right!! i have taught him to be lazy.
So i have 2 questions..
1. Is it too late to turn this around to him being the pursuer?
if this is possible i then would like to start the relationship off on a different footing and so
2. how, if possible do you stop the sex after you have been ok with it for so long?; October 18, 2013 at 3:14 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 17, 8:28 PM,
I do not answer/respond to questions that are emailed dear. If I did, I'd do nothing but that all day long, LOL. Additionally, the questions need to be posted in the comments field so that others can also learn from the experience and the suggestions provided. And I provide the cloak of anonymity when commenting to make that possible without relinquishing privacy :-); October 18, 2013 at 8:46 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 18, 3:14 AM,
I hate to say this dear, but once this has set in, it's really very difficult to turn it around. In some instances, virtually impossible. Which is why I suggest that women begin dating a man, from day one, setting boundaries of what they will and will not accept via their actions with him. Because once the tone of a relationship is set, it's pretty much set that way - from that day forward. And the tone is usually set, by about the third or fourth date.

"Is it too late to turn this around to him being the pursuer?"

There's no guarantee that that's what he'll become now. But if you remain silent and cease being the one to initiate contact - then that gives him the opportunity to contact you instead. And if he doesn't do that, then he's not serious about the relationship :-(

"if possible do you stop the sex after you have been ok with it for so long?"

It helps to not put yourself in intimate settings with the man where sex can actually take place. Instead, go on real dates, out in public, to dinner, drinks, movies, etc. - and stay away from your place and his place afterwards.; October 18, 2013 at 8:51 AM
Anonymous said...: Moa, @Anonymous Oct 18, 3:14 AM, here, thanks so much for your reply. I take on board all you say.
do you think it would be better for me to end this relationship then, given that there is a little chance of it turning around because i took over the chasing after him pursuing me?? and as i have told him i will be basically waiting for him to get in touch? so that he doesn’t sit there waiting for me to get in touch like i used to?
im not sure if its a good thing or not but when i tell him im going out he questions me who with, and blows my phone up with texts while im out. I started leaving my phone at home when i go out with my friends cos they get fed up with me answering his texts. So when i came home one night, i had a text, an email and a whatsapp message from him!! i was too tired to reply but got another text the next morning, saying that "by your no reply i take it you are recovering ha ha xx??" he literally never texts me first!! only in the beginning of relationship and when he knows im out!
Yes definitely doing no contact but do i end it now and then go no contact?
i dont like that he must think he has a hold over me cos im supposedly waiting for him to contact me now, if you know what i mean? I bet he`s thinking ahh what ever she`ll be in touch!! ugh :(; October 18, 2013 at 11:02 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello,

I'll try to keep my story short, but here goes:
My now ex boyfriend and me had been together for almost 4 years. We live in a house together. Never did we have any major issues and me (and so many other people) saw us as the perfect couple that would live a happy life together forever. Unfortunately for me, something changed around the beginning of september. We had a minor argument (I honestly can't even remember what it was about) and apparently that was the day my ex boyfriend 'stopped loving me'. (I was only told this afterwards) We tried to make things better for a month or so but nothing really changed. He says he's unsure about a lot of things in his life at the moment, so I think he's just really confused about what he really wants. He's also not interested in a new relationship or other girls, he just wants space for now.

The thing is, I feel like we've not actually really tried to turn this around, give it our all. He broke up with me a little over a week ago, but we still share this house and most of the time it actually just happens naturally, with no real awkwardness or fights. (Ofcourse drama surfaces every now and then because it's a strange situation)

He told me his still cares about me a lot but just doesn't feel the love at the moment. I think one of the main reasons is that because of his job, he's either away for a month, or at home for a couple months. He's not been away for a couple of months and I spent a lot of time at home too because I don't have a job right now unfortunately. I feel like he grew bored of me if anything, because when I asked him what he thought were the main 3 reasons for him breaking up with me, he couldn't actually answer me.

So it took me a good week to stop crying and to crawl out of this dark pit again, and now I try to spend a lot of time with friends, I try new hobbies (I feel like I tried to spend too much time with my (ex) boyfriend and not enough time with my friends, which probably made him feel 'trapped') and I feel 'okay'. I just try to spend as much time out of the house as I can for 2 reasons; 1: to give him the space he wants and probably needs, 2: to find myself again as I feel like I've lost myself along the way. I need to reconnect with friends and pick up new hobbies, which I'm trying to do right now. I'm obviously very sad still but I try to hide that from him as well as I can.

In 2 weeks he'll be going to the USA for about 5 weeks, and my last hope is to try the no contact rule for at least 4 weeks of those 5 weeks. I'd start basically as soon as he leaves, just wishing him a good trip and all that, but after that stop contact for a month.

Like I said, we don't hate eachother and I honestly feel like he's not sure about this but just wants an easy way out of his problems. I know for a fact though, that running away from this won't solve his problems as it's the lifestyle he's living that is the main culprit I think.

The thing that scares me a lot is that he's from Scotland, and I'm from the Netherlands and we've been living together in the Netherlands for almost 4 years. If he leaves, he'll move back to the UK I'm sure and I can't cope with the fact that I might not ever see him again after that, even though he said he'd never cut me off completely.

Am I doing the right thing? I don't want to lose this guy as I feel like we are a perfect match, just going through a rough patch (obviously very rough) and I honestly feel like this CAN work, if only we approach this the right way before maybe trying again.

Thanks in advance!; October 19, 2013 at 8:08 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,
Your page is great and very helpful, so thank you so much. The guy that I have been dating on and off for 3 years disappeared on me out of the blue. He text me after a month asking how I was and said that I never returned his call. This isn't true because he never called me. I ignored the text. He then sent me an evite to a bbq he was having, which I ignored. He then sent another text, which I thought was kind of rude and then a 2nd evite to another party. I ignored all of those. It has been 2 months now with no contact. I ran into him 2 weeks ago at a school function. I was at the back of the school and here he come around the corner. I think he was looking for me. He said hello and asked if I knew where his daughter's teacher's classroom was. I said no, I'm sorry. I asked if he knew the room number and he did not. He said he had to go look for it and said I'll talk to you later. I saw him on the first day of school walk his daughter to her classroom. This is why I feel that he did know where the classroom was, but was pretending he didn't. My birthday is in two weeks. If he does wish me a happy birthday, should I acknowledge and say thank you or should I continue to ignore him until he apologizes to me? It has been two months since I started the no contact with his text. Thanks so much; October 19, 2013 at 9:36 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Thank you for this blog post. I read it nearly every day to help me get through this very painful time. My boyfriend dumped me three weeks ago then immediately sent an email apologizing for the jerky way he acted and asking if we could please just take some space. I agreed. The following weekend we spoke three times, once on the phone and twice in person about what was going on between us. We both felt that there was a lot of good, but that the bad was an issue. We narrowed what was wrong down between us/not working and agreed therapy was the best route. He was a bit more reluctant than I was to give it a go, but thought it would provide both of us with some insight, healing and a better way to figure out what was best for both of us. (He is 35, I am 37)
The next day I made the mistake of texting him twice in a row and getting annoyed when he did not respond (this has been an ongoing issue between us and it drives him nuts. I find him to be unresponsive and he finds me to be overbearing). He literally flipped a switch and flew into a rage and said he could not go to therapy with me and he didn't want to keep going. I put my foot down and said no, this is the decision we came to and discussed calmly and you are flying off the handle and we have appointments. We hung up the phone and I did not hear from him for a week. I called him once and yes, told him I had a present for him (so embarrassing) and then I sent him and email to confirm our appointments. I never heard back. An hour before our appointment he called to tell me he wouldn't be making it and he thought that we had irreconciliable differences and to send him the bill for the late cancelled appointment. I was shocked that he did not say this to me in person and shocked that he would wait until the last minute to tell me and surprised somewhat by his change of heart. It seemed really cowardly to break up the way he did, and out of character. There were some tears on my end during that conversation and a day or two of communication where I was really "Why are you doing this to me?" whiny while I got my stuff back. He wanted to continue talking as friends and I said absolutely not. Then he asked if we could discuss things between us more next week. To which I also said no. My last communication to him was that evening in the form of an email telling him my sadness and grief. This was a man who up until he broke up with me was talking about marriage and babies regularly and referred to me frequently as his wife, who swore to work through anything with me and was very pro-therapy, who promised a lot in terms of emotional support and gave me a lot too up until about two months ago. At any rate, at the end of the letter I told him I did not want him in my life in any capacity and that I wasn't sure what to think of him since his words and his actions did not match. Since then I have employed the NC rule - which has been hard but then again the thought of contacting him makes me just as sick to my stomach. My question is this: Was it too harsh to tell him I did not want him in my life in any capacity? And that I did not believe his words? Because truthfully I do hope for a reconciliation of sorts. By saying those things will I perhaps need to contact him first after 30 days? I was very upset when I wrote the email - although it was not mean-spirited or rude in any way. I'm not even angry at him, I'm just really sad.

Any advice is much appreciated.

Heartbroken; October 19, 2013 at 1:03 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Anon,

I'm not here to step on Mirror's turf (in fact I'm going to write my own query below) but I couldn't help but read your post and I just want you to know it sounds very similar to something that happened to me a few years ago. The change in behaviour, the instant apology, the break. I just want you to know it's been almost 4 years and I haven't heard from him at all. But time is a healer and I now see the situation in a completely different light. Don't get me wrong I still miss him (sometimes) but I also found out his next gf he cheated on and took money from. I'm not saying the same thing will happen to your ex but I do think the emotions you're feeling, first anger, now sadness is just part of the grieving process and actually I don't think you should contact him ever again, be in 30 days or 30 weeks. He chose not to be with you and your punishment back to him should be never letting him have the privilege of speaking to you again. You should also read a book called "it's called a break up because it's broken". It's helped me and lots of my friends. Xx

Dear Mirror,
Sorry for stepping on your turf. :) My own query relates to online dating and this guy I met up with. First date, went well. We met for drinks and a bit of food. Conversation flowed, there was a bit of chemistry. He was a perfect gent, kissed me on the cheek and text me the next morning to say thank you, he had had a really lovely time.

Great! We then text everyday for the last 2 weeks until he asked me out again and we met up last Friday. He kept asking me what I wanted to do but I told him I wanted him to decide and he suggested dinner, drinks and dancing and that he would get a hotel so he could drink (because on our first date he had driven as he doesn't live in the area). Dinner was nice but admittedly I was comparing him to my ex (the guy mentioned above) and made a conscious decision this was unlikely to go anywhere long-term so I would just enjoy the date. Which I did, with far too much booze. We kissed, there was more chemistry. I mentioned that actually I had an empty flat this weekend but I was conscious about inviting him back and rushing things too soon, he told me he would have been disappointed if I hadn't gone back to the hotel and nothing had to happen. Safe to say, I did go back and shame on me I don't really remember much about going back, apart from the fact that I freaked out while I was in bed with him and told him I didn't want to have sex. I woke up in the morning on the other side of the bed and not much from the night before was said. But we kissed and it got a bit heated. He wanted to leave quite early as apparently he was expecting a delivery and he asked me if I wanted to get breakfast which I politely declined.

Anyway, I haven't heard from him since then and I'm surprised and disappointed. I actually would have expected to hear from him the same day. I feel like I'm supposed to be employ the no contact rule and see if he gets in touch but actually I'm not okay with that. So I want to send a message saying "I'm surprised I haven't heard from you since the weekend. I would have expected a gentleman to get in touch by now." Because mirror that's exactly what I would have expected!

Am I wrong to think that/send that and what do you think of the situation (apart from that I should drink less on a second date - already noted. :); October 21, 2013 at 7:06 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 21, 7:06 AM,
"Which I did, with far too much booze."

"I don't really remember much about going back, apart from the fact that I freaked out while I was in bed with him"

Honey, now bare with me here. I'm not being judgmental and I'm not picking on you. But in order to get to the bottom of what I think happened here, I have to say this, okay?

I'm not sure how you can think that date was a success. On your second date, you basically got bombed to the point of blackout in a sense. You don't even remember what happened in that room, ya' know? As a man, on a second date with a woman, when she ends up drunk beyond memory and blacked out in your bed at your hotel room, freaking out or whatever (because you really have no clue what else you may have done) - it doesn't make a good impression, ya' know?

Regretfully dear, it signals a lack of self-discipline in the woman to the man. And it also signals that she has no boundaries for herself in her conduct. And that is the reason that I advise women against two things repeatedly:

1) No heavy drinking
2) Do not go back to a man's home, room, your place, etc.

Because the combination of those two things when dating can literally be the kiss of death dear :-(

If you went on a date with a man that got so drunk he didn't remember what he did the night he was with you, and he freaked out and yelled or got a bit unruly, then spent the night in your bed afterwards - what would you think? Would you view him as a responsible individual that was stable enough to settle down into a committed relationship with?

I wouldn't send this dear:

"I'm surprised I haven't heard from you since the weekend. I would have expected a gentleman to get in touch by now."

It's too emotional and it's confrontational. It will only lead to having "words" with the man, and that will not go well. It may even lead to a similar rebuttal from him along the lines of, "I wouldn't have expected a true lady to conduct herself like that that night." Ya' know? Just don't go there. It sets you up to have an arrow thrown at your back. So don't willingly set yourself up for something like that as it will only bring you pain :-(

I think what happened here is that things got a bit out of control that night. There were no boundaries set, lines were instead crossed, and as a result, it halted the relationship from moving forward. Additionally, I don't think it's very impressive that this man expected you to be in his bed at a hotel room on the second date. A true gentleman does NOT expect that, or ask that, of a woman so very early on as it puts her into a very vulnerable situation with a virtual stranger.

Cont. . .; October 21, 2013 at 9:16 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: If I were you, I'd leave sleeping dogs lie here dear. I would go into NC and I would not initiate communication with him. Any confrontation on your part right now would only lead to a very negative end result. Therefore, I'd leave things be and I'd leave silence take place here so as to avoid any of that.

Do not feel the need to "do" something here to nudge this along or control it in any way. Instead, take a step back and give plenty of time and space here for you both to kind of forget about what happened that night. Because again, since you don't remember that evening once in the room, you have no clue what you may have said/done as a result. So give plenty of time for this to pass and for each of you to sort of forget what went down that night. Having a confrontation about it would only be painful.

If it was meant to be, it will be. He may resurface in a month or so and be ready to talk about it then, after some time has passed. If not, then it wasn't meant to be dear. Everything happens for a reason and maybe the reason here was for purposes other than a pairing, ya' know? So take some time to yourself, leave him some time as well, and just see if things happen naturally. If they do not, then accept that it wasn't meant to be dear :-(; October 21, 2013 at 9:16 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks for replying so quickly. I really appreciate your honesty. I don't disagree with anything you've said, if anything there is something to be said for me wanting to get so drunk on the date as I think I knew early on it wasn't going to go anywhere. I've been single for 4 years now and have just found out my ex has proposed to his second girlfriend since he split up with me. Why does he get all the happiness? I can't even hold down a second date.

I'm sorry to say I sent the response. I got impatient and my work colleague told me it was a good way of standing up for myself (I guess you disagree). Anyway safe to say he has not replied. I've deleted his number because actually I don't expect him too.

Anyway I guess I have to walk through the fire like I have done with the last 4/5 blokes I've met that have never even amounted to a relationship. I feel like giving up on love all together because it seems whether it's me or them there is never anything good that comes of it.

Appreciate you always being here.; October 21, 2013 at 12:03 PM
Anonymous said...: PS, I forgot to mention his birthday is in May. So he may/may not be a Taurus but I guess that doesn't change anything. It was my own boundaries that let me down.; October 21, 2013 at 12:05 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous October 21, 12:03PM,
Don't worry dear, we've all been there. As you can see from the amount of comments and discussion on this site, you're not alone ;-)

And here's something for you to think on before you wipe love off the slate. A study I once saw said that the average modern day woman kisses 72 frogs before finding her Prince. Yep, 72 dear. Because not every man is a Prince, and not every man is the right one for you. So expect that out of every 10 men you meet, one may lead to something more. But it's more likely that the majority of them, won't. And when that happens, don't get discouraged. It's the name of the game. It's a numbers game and that's how men view dating as well, a numbers game. The higher the numbers, the greater the chance of success, which is why it pays to date around casually (no sex) before dipping your toes into the intimacy/sleepover department, LOL ;-)

When you go out on a date, view it as socializing in the very early stages. View it as making a new friend. Don't view it as "this guy could be the one" because you'll find out more often than not - that's not the case ;-); October 21, 2013 at 2:52 PM
Heidi said...: Hello- update on no contact here and a couple new questions :)

I first wrote in July regarding the Aries who pursued for months then started to pull away by cancelling last minute and would no longer commit to traveling to see me / basically started throwing out red flags left and right . You advised no contact and I implemented. One month into it, he returned with a text ( How is everything?) which I ignored and a few weeks later a couple Facebook "likes" and a few days ago, a Happy Birthday email. Nice, but all ignored as I was still hoping ( embarrassed to admit, expecting) a grand gesture or apology of sorts. Nada.

His teenage daughter, son and college aged niece still text me and I was initially able to dodge their questions ( "when will we see you again?" and " What is going on with you and dad") . I didn't go into No Contact on them and always responded to their texts, but managed to politely dodge their questions .

I didnt offer any concrete information, just played the "busy grown ups" card and turned the questions on them. " How is soccer?" etc.

Should I have cut off contact with his family, too? I've never been in this situation and have no idea how to proceed.

Tonight, his daughter called ( she is 15) and was clearly upset with me. Apparently her dad "has yet another awful new date" ( ouch- things I DON'T need to hear about) and her dad told her I was the one who wanted out of the relationship. She cried, begged me to call him and said her dad has been staying over night with various dates ( more disappointment - and shock) . I told her was that her dad hasn't called me in over 6 weeks, was very busy all summer but he's a good man and she should talk to him about her concerns regarding his dating.

I don't want to break no contact (and hopefully won't) to discuss this with him and if these were mutual friends still trying to stay in my life, update me etc, I could set the record straight.

How do I handle texts and calls from his teenage children? Ignore them? What about Facebook? Do I just make a clean sweep and delete him, his kids and neice? Ugh.

To have everything spelled out for me by that little girl really hurts but am SO SO very glad I took your advice, Mirror and went into NC when I did. THANK YOU. I'm also very grateful to the many posts I've been reading and glad I didn't respond to his few recent texts.

I am emotional, hurt by the fact that he's suddenly sleeping around ( my brother has been friends with him for 20+ years. He's never been "that guy") and really, REALLY bothered that after pursing me for months etc, he chose to walk away /change his mind about being in a relationship with me just when I was getting comfortable with the idea of a new relationship, post divorce.

If I delete him off FB at this point, what is the worst that case scenario? Good or bad idea?

Thank you for your advice.
Heidi; October 22, 2013 at 10:37 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Heidi,
"What about Facebook?"

I wouldn't react in that manner. I'd leave things be and just go on about your "virtual" existence like business as usual. If you react at this point, he could link it to the fact that his daughter divulged some personal information about him (she may have told him), and he may become upset with her (and also view it as a bit of an emotional reaction from you at this point.) Best to give him as little to go off of as possible, keep him wondering ;-)

"How do I handle texts and calls from his teenage children?"

I don't think I'd do that just yet, for the children's sake. You don't want them feeling rejected as they've done nothing wrong. But if this type of talk continues with them, you may have to kindly say that while you're comfortable continuing a relationship with them and thankful that they continue one with you - you're not comfortable discussing their father with them and you hope that they understand that and will respect your wishes there.

Tell them that if they need you, you're there. But you can't discuss grown up issues with them about you and their father and that if they have questions of that nature, they need to hold those discussions with their father.

Because you don't know what's really going on here. I don't want to accuse these kids of manipulating, but as we all know, those teenage years are years of "testing" boundaries with others and seeing what they can get away with, LOL. The daughter may be attempting to manipulate you into contacting her father and/or the father could be using the daughter to attempt to manipulate you himself. I'm not saying that's what's taking place - I'm just using that as an example of various scenarios that could be the motivating factor behind this. But my point is - you don't know for sure. And because you don't know for sure, you're going to have to set clear boundaries here with those children of his and you. You're going to have to draw a line so-to-speak and ask that they do not cross it. Be as kind and as understanding as possible, but at the same time, ask that the topic of discussion not be their father :-); October 23, 2013 at 8:18 AM
Heidi said...: Mirror,
Thank you, Thank you.

I am following your advice. I admit, that while running earlier, the manipulation angle from his daughter crossed my mind. Nothing more dramatic than a Teen Girl!!!! She is a good kid and DO feel for her. Her mother isn't in the picture and she really bonded with my young sons and I. I realize that on some level my contact with the kids still gives him a low level of access to me. I doubt he cares enough to question them.

The daughter texted late morning, apologizing and asked that I not mention the call to her father. No worries, there :) I responded back after work and made a bit of a joke, teasing her about being SO dramatic and noted that I prefer chatting with her about hairstyles, MAC make-up and movies. Hoping she takes the hint.

I am not on FB very often, but am so glad I took a deep breath and didn't react with emotion last night after her call. Instead, I vented on here ( again, thanks) read a number of posts, and went to bed without embarrassing myself with a knee-jerk reaction / breaking no contact.

While I wonder if part of her story isn't exaggerated ( I really hate the thought of him sleeping around but he did lose interest in me and I don't expect him to not date) I doubt he's intentionally using our friendship (mine with his children & neice) to get to me. But who knows. He is an Aries after all and fits your article description to a "t".

Boundaries are up, No contact and no response to him continues.

Have a wonderful week!
Heidi :); October 23, 2013 at 9:13 PM
pisces girl said...: 28 days NC! feels great!! got to mark another week off on the calender -2 more days to reach the 30 days and feeling good about it!; October 25, 2013 at 11:39 AM
neva-agen said...: OMG!! OMG!! BREEEATH!!
ladies, no contact worked for me!! day 16!! gets an email of my guy.. asking.. where i have been? where have you disappeared to? ive been trying to get in touch to see how you are xx
he must have emailed cos he got no response from my mobile, cos my friend has my sim card with his num on!! so ive not checked it since last tues!! MOA U R A GOD..ESS :D THANK U SO MUCH N ALL U GUYS THAT HAVE KEPT ME GOING WITH YOUR EXPERIENCES!!
Now.. what to reply.. in a couple of days!!??
still shaking here!! ;); October 29, 2013 at 2:55 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA, this is Jordan. I have some questions and need some advice. My guy broke up with me about 3months ago after dating 2yrs as we argued a lot. Anyway I went directly into NC because I needed to protect my heart. He contacted me after 3months to see how I was doing. I responded back because I figured after 3months what was the harm right? Well wrong! He says he wants to see me because he's really missing me. I said sure let's go to dinner and he said how about I come over! What a joke! I turned him down immediately because I knew where he was trying to go. I told him to go back to wherever he's been and he then said he is with someone, however he still loves me. The nerve! My question is why is it now that I have moved on and appartently he has too is he trying to get with me? I told him to focus on her and to leave me alone. He says he loves me and cannot do that and please can I just see him. I said no! he's been blowing my phone up with texts and calls but I have gone back into NC because I don't believe he's genuine and only want one thing. I look at this as a game because if he was sincere don't you think he'll be trying to show and do more? I'm thinking he's realized that the grass was not greener on the other side but that was his bed he made so now he has to lie in it! I do believe after 2yrs he still has feelings for me but I am afraid to see him because I don't know he's real intentions towards me. He could just be looking for closure I don't know. I read on your post where you said do not respond to a man's calls or texts until he shows you that he's sincere right? So what do I do MOA?; October 31, 2013 at 10:36 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 31, 10:36 AM,
"My question is why is it now that I have moved on and appartently he has too is he trying to get with me?"

It's a psychological effect that kicks in during the period of silence he received by you. It's discussed in the article above.

"I look at this as a game because if he was sincere don't you think he'll be trying to show and do more?"

Not only that, but more importantly, it's very disrespectful. To invite you over for a booty call after he broke up with you and during his relationship with another woman - is very disrespectful.

" I read on your post where you said do not respond to a man's calls or texts until he shows you that he's sincere right? So what do I do MOA?"

You don't "do" anything dear. You do exactly as you've stated. Do NOT respond to his communications until you receive an apology and/or expression of remorse from him. If he fails to do that, he receives more silence.

Continue moving forward with your life and leave him to his own devices to manage and work out his own relationship problems right now, that I'm sure he's probably managed to create himself, based on his apparent treatment of women (as objects for his sexual enjoyment, rather than human beings with feelings.)

The best revenge dear. . .is doing well :-); November 2, 2013 at 9:54 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks so much MOA your the Best! I will continue to ignore him until he shows that he's really sincere and remorseful. Until I will move on and like you said the best revenge is success :); November 2, 2013 at 1:50 PM
Heidi said...: The Aries returned. There have been a few lame attempts in the past 2 months, but this time, with an IM while I was working online Wednesday night and I (foolishly?!) replied.

He asked if he could call, I responded with “do you have my cell #?” He replied with “yes”. But then he didn’t call. He immediately asked a couple of questions while on IM (was I still training for the ½ marathon? etc) and after a couple of back and forth comments I shut my Ipad off , expecting him to call.

Nope.

The next morning he emailed with a random comment, basically saying he hasn’t been running but has been lifting weights (? ). I didn’t respond but shared a couple sarcastic quips with friends over lunch… Things I’d like to say to him ☺ .

Then…last night, was talking to my brother, who has been friends with the Aries for years. I shared the brief encounter with my brother who told me “don’t react, but…”…. apparently Aries has been telling mutual friends things like ‘nah, Heidi and I never dated’ (WTF) & bragging about how “Janie” the 26 year old Applebee’s bartender really gets him ( I am 41, he is 43) and might be “the one”. These are people who saw us together multiple times over 8+ months and when seeing him recently, they asked about me. How in the world could he consider that we never dated? He told me multiple times he wasnt dating anyone else and hoped I felt the same. He said he wasnt sleeping with anyone else while we were together and asked the same of me.

I have no desire to argue with him & I don’t even want to discuss where we went wrong. I just feel a bit foolish, thinking that at some point he would miss me or make an effort to see me again. He started this relationship and pursued me like a true gentleman for months before the end when he started to routinely cancel plans and/or wouldn’t make plans to see me. But telling people we never dated? Why? Good grief, that takes the cake. Think I need to read the “revenge with an Aries” piece now.
Happy Saturday ☺ I am off to tailgate.; November 2, 2013 at 2:56 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA its Jordan again. I received a text from my ex saying that he loves and misses me and apologizes for everything. We havent spoke in months due to my no contact. What do I do? The last time he texted me remember he wanted to have sex and I declined and told him to get loss. I am just afraid to respond as I do not know he's intentions. We dated 2yrs and I am just afraid to get my heart broken again. Thanks for your advice in advance.; November 6, 2013 at 9:38 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Jordan,
"What do I do?"

First, you decide if this is what you want and if you're comfortable reinstating contact with him. If the answer is no, then you don't respond.

If the answer is yes, then you can find information in this article about responding in the section immediately under the video.; November 6, 2013 at 10:01 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,
It's about my co-worker in other office location. We met a few times in one-to-one meeting at coffee shop. It was obvious to me that she was interested in me. We had eye contacts for long - long enough to maintain without a blink - 10 or more seconds many times, her body language was also made me think that she was interested in me. I had a crush for her, but I am married.

We talked over phone and exchanged emails about work with personal touch - it was often over communication. After a few weeks I felt complex, thinking every moment of her and a guilt feeling.

Then I informed her diplomatically that I was married - I don't know why I did that - probably I felt her honestly and wanted her not to step forward. She stopped contacting me after then for a week. I did send one email and received reply one week later. She was not friendly as before on email and on the phone. So I thought she was hurt, I felt sad and I sent her an email to comfort her explaining that I had crush and also complemented her to rationale the crush. I wrote that I wanted to keep contact with her as co-worker.

She replied a week later - an impolite email that she did not want me to contact her in the future. We have No contact since then - 3 weeks already passed. I respect her decision though it was very hard feeling in the beginning but healing in process.

1. Do you think she hates me after receiving my last email where I said I fell for her but she knew that I was married?
2. Would she contact me in the future? Should I contact her back?

I feel empty by thinking that I have hurt her - I still feel her but it will fade by time. I will not contact her first.

- Walker69; November 6, 2013 at 10:32 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Walker69,
"I don't know why I did that"

I should hope it was because you realize that honesty and trust are of utmost importance when it comes to relationships and you wanted to honestly trust in your marriage and your wife instead of toying with the idea of an affair. And I think even you, yourself sensed this.

"Do you think she hates me after receiving my last email where I said I fell for her but she knew that I was married?"

She probably felt deceived and disappointed, rather than hate. And she probably lost trust due to the fact that it was a bit deceiving not to inform her earlier (felt like you lead her on a bit probably) of this and also due to the fact that you appeared to be toying with the idea of cheating on your wife. There's an old saying that many women are familiar with:

"If he'll cheat with you - he'll cheat on you."

"Would she contact me in the future?"

I don't think so as she felt betrayed and deceived. And I don't want to beat you up here, but you need to realize what this type of behavior from you says to a woman about your character as a man, ya' know?

If you're unhappy in your marriage my friend, then you need to speak to your wife about it. You've made a commitment to her and that is not to be taken lightly. Your wife handed you her heart, a very valuable thing, and it's your job as a man and as a husband to treat it as valuable and not take it for granted. If you don't do that and you neglect your wife emotionally by giving the attention and special treatment that should go to her, to another woman instead, then you risk losing your marriage and will have to accept accountability for your part in that.

That's a lot of "heavy" stuff my friend. And while it may sound or even feel like right now you can live with those consequences if need be. . .a year or two down the road, after a divorce, you will have regrets and things will be beyond the point of repair. A lot of emotional baggage comes with a divorce and it's the kind you can carry throughout your life. So think long and hard about the consequences.

"Should I contact her back?"

Absolutely not. You're a married man my friend. Act like one - or reap negative karma and suffer the consequences. . .which may be much greater than you think.

"I feel empty by thinking that I have hurt her"

Why do you not feel this same type of emotion or empathy towards your wife? What of her? Are you thinking of her at all, or is selfishness possibly rearing it's ugly head here? Don't let that happen, don't let selfishness guide you. It'll steer you into a ditch.

I'm not sure what's taking place in your marriage right now my friend. But whatever it is, I'd suggest you cease this self-defeating behavior, cease focusing on people outside of your marriage, and bring your focus back onto your marriage and onto your wife, the woman that is there right now.

If things aren't going well and you're unhappy or she's unhappy or both, and things are past the point of repair and/or you've done everything in your power to make things work before giving up entirely. . .then I'd start divorce proceedings - and once that's happened, when you're actually available to another woman - THEN seek a new relationship.

Because asking or expecting some woman to play second best and settle for the less than honorable position of your mistress. . .is disrespectful my friend.

Marriage comes with many ups and downs. They're to be expected. And how you, as a couple, handle them - are of the utmost importance. Is your bond tight enough to withstand the challenges, or is it simply a thin thread holding it together?

I think you might find this movie helpful in understanding the concept of what I'm trying to share with you here: http://youtu.be/ue66uL_79VA; November 6, 2013 at 1:45 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,
Thank you for wonderful reply. I would like to clarify a couple of points.

1. It's cultural that my wife is the only woman in my life - I even haven't touch anyone else let alone kiss. I believe it's the same for her. We have long years of marriage and we have kids. I sometimes feel our marriage as responsibility, accountability and trustfulness rather than romance. Perhaps the longing for other woman (for the first time after marriage, hope it is last) is an influence of my cultural background. It may have interested me to know and feel for another woman. I do not know for sure though. My wife is the best woman in the world to me, still I do not feel such emptiness for her like what I felt for my co-worker.

2. Regarding contacting back to the co-worker - I meant if she contacts me should I contact her back for work purpose? It's possible to continue my work without contacting her, a bit inconvenient though. I expect that she may contact me if we work for the same organization in the future. I am sure we will meet somewhere in a work event or in the town soon. Should I say hello or something? Or should I completely ignore her? If she says something I will respond appropriately, right?

I want to be respectful to her. I don't want to disappoint her anymore as I have realized now from your reply that I did make mistake initially. Then I did another big mistake letting her know about my feeling towards her.

The problem is - I still feel her so much, I don't know why. Evil is controlling me.

Thanks again Mirror, you are helping me understanding.

- Walker69; November 6, 2013 at 5:02 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Walker69,
"I sometimes feel our marriage as responsibility, accountability and trustfulness rather than romance"

So you feel burdened by your marriage rather than blissful it seems. And it happens, so that's normal. But let me ask you, if you desire romance and passion. . .what are you doing to create that with your wife again? Are you taking her on getaways away from the kids for a few days so that she can relax and enjoy being a woman once again (instead of a mother)? What are you doing to make her feel sexy? How much time away from the children are you making for her, so she can feel like a woman again? Are you taking her out on date nights to romantic dinners? Buying her flowers? What are YOU doing to light HER fire again?

Because if your wife felt sexy again and desired by you once more, there's a good possibility she'd tap into her sexuality and you'd see that side of her again. But if she's never permitted time away from the children to be a woman instead of a mother. . .that's going to be very difficult for her, ya' know?

"If she says something I will respond appropriately, right?"

I would not reach out to her, but if she has to contact you regarding work for whatever reasons, then yes, be civil to her and respond kindly.

"I have realized now from your reply that I did make mistake initially."

Everyone makes mistakes my friend. The good thing here is - you stopped yourself. You sought to speak about it instead and that was a good thing :-)

I really think you need to reconnect to your wife. And I bet your wife actually misses you. Misses you taking her on dates, misses being treated special and like a woman and made to feel sexy and whatnot. Those types of actions from a man, romance, feed that in a woman. If a woman is cut off from that type of treatment, it's hard for her to feel sexy. Instead, she begins to feel unwanted and taken for granted. She's probably really focused on being a good mother and a good wife and she may not be experiencing any romance right now that would "light her fire" ya' know?

Have a talk with your wife without the children present. Tell her to get dressed up one night and take her to a nice dinner without the children, just you and her, and tell her that you miss her. Open up the lines of communication with her and try to connect with her emotionally once again.

If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work - but at least you tried. And if it does change things for the better, then it was worth the effort :-); November 7, 2013 at 7:40 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA! Aries girl here :)
I met this guy online and an Aries too. We started sending long texts, then exchanged numbers and started texting now and then. We agreed on meeting each other. We went to a cafe and just chatted for a while, we had a nice time. I had to travel that weekend, so he texted me every day of the week, even in the mornings when he just woke up, we started making plans of running a 10K event together.. The day before my trip he went to visit me to say "goodbye" bc he was near my house. We chatted outside my house for a while and then he left. During my trip he texted me every day. When I came back we went for a practice run together. I've been behaving like a good girl and not making the first move as I usually do, so just been waiting for him to kiss me or something, but nothing! He hasn't ever made a move on me.. which was weird because he was always flirty when texting.. and then he suddenly dissapeared.
Well sortof dissapearing, he just started texting less constantly, I asked if we were going to practice running again and he said he was still sore. He texted now and then and I texted him a couple of times too.
Anyways, Halloween came up and I asked him where he was going that night, and he was going to the same party as me. So I said:
Really? Me too
Afterparty at your then?
We'll see ;) Who r u going with?
My friends
I dont know but I just felt he wasnt very interested in keeping the conversation going on so I just said "Seems like your busy ttyl!" and he just said sorry, that he got bad news and ttyl too.
I saw him at the party, I dont know if he saw me, but we were pretty near. He didnt call or text, nothing. The next morning he texted "Where did u go?" I told him the name of the party and he said
Why didn't we see each other?
Did u want to see me?
Of course
Why didn't we see each other?
I don't know, you tell me
Too much people
I think so. Where were u?
VIP
Ohh (he was in the same place as me)
If you ever want to see me, calling might help. Bye!
Are you mad?
No, why?
Because of what you said. Bye! ?
Oh it was more of a bye :)
Ahhh. Ok; November 7, 2013 at 7:04 PM
Anonymous said...: CONT...

Two days after, it was Sunday, I think I was still a little tipsy and saw him online so I texted him. I said hi and then told him "I have a problem. I like this guy I recently met but I don't know if he likes me back" he asked if I was talking about him, I said of course. He told me its complicated, that he doesn't want a girlfriend, that just friends, and maybe "have fun" and that I am so nice, and such a lovely person he wouldn't be able to "have fun" with me bc it wouldn't be fair. I told him "Do I have a 'please be my boyfriend sign on my forhead'?" and he laughed and said "No, but you just made me laugh loudly. I like you". I then asked him to meet me for lunch and said "You can try kissing me for once". So he agreed. So we met at the store, bought stuff to make sandwiches and went to my place. We saw a movie in my living room, but we mostly made out during it. He was pretty turned on and started getting all handsy but I stopped him. After the movie ended he said maybe we can watch a movie at his place during the week and I said OK. We made out again and the door, it was like he didnt want to leave bc we had a lot of chemistry really (kissing), but then he just left.
Anyway, he didn't text until wednesday, with just a "Hey :)" but I didn't text back. I think maybe I've been too available from the beginning so I kind of decided to leave him wanting more and then just ignore him. I don't know if I should just let this one go, bc I really like him, but he already told me he doesn't want anything serious.. or maybe he could change his mind eventually? I really wish I could do something to make that happen! I don't know him so I wouldn't just jump into a relationship right now, I just want the chance of getting to know each other.. So far I decided to maybe answer him on monday.. or should I just not answer at all and do NC for 30 days? Help!; November 7, 2013 at 7:04 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,
For about a year, I have had this on/off relationship with a guy. We have never been a couple, he's always said he doesn't want a girlfriend, and I admit I allowed myself to be strung along.
Anyway, he's had moments where he seems to want to get closer to me, he confides in me, tells me he trusts me etc, but then I always find out he is flirting/ trying to see other women. I have gone months/ weeks/sometimes days of no contact at different intervals, but always end up in the same situation with him.
I decided to let him know that I didn't appreciate the way he treated me, he said he understood and was also tired of our up and down friendship. I decided to go no contact one last time. However my emotions got the better of me and after one week I messaged asking how he was. He hasn't replied,and it's been over a week since I messaged him. I feel like a fool/ like he views me as weak and is now ignoring me. I am crying as I type this because I feel like I have lost the control over the situation and he knows silent treatment is torture.
Is there any way I can regain my self respect and his respect after all this?; November 7, 2013 at 7:51 PM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror
The relationship with my wife is great including in the bed. We both have love and respect for each other. I am active and dominating person - at home and at work.

I have no idea why the situation occurred - it never happened to me before. I guess my co-worker was very nice to me, she was too attractive to resist myself and she flirted a lot and it was hard for me not to respond. As a person, she was wonderful to me.

Time is a cure, my attraction is getting faded slowly, I hope it will go away in a month.

Now I strongly believe that a married man can fall in love with other woman even he loves his wife - I didn't believe it before. The main thing is to be in control. It was late but I did control myself and walked away before getting into deep relationship. However, I am interested to keep a normal work relationship with her, and I expect that she will contact me in a month or two.

- Walker69; November 7, 2013 at 10:47 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 7, 7:04 PM,
I fear this is heading into "hookup" territory quick. He's been honest and has told you:

"he doesn't want a girlfriend, that just friends, and maybe "have fun"

Translation: He just wants to hookup. He goes even further to signal this by saying:

"I am so nice, and such a lovely person he wouldn't be able to "have fun" with me bc it wouldn't be fair."

Translation: He just wants to hookup, have sex and use you, but he knows he'd feel guilty about it.

And unfortunately, your response signaled back to him that you'd be okay with this:

"Do I have a 'please be my boyfriend sign on my forehead'?"

And then you took it a step further by saying:

"I then asked him to meet me for lunch and said "You can try kissing me for once". . ."and went to my place". . ."we mostly made out". . ."He was pretty turned on and started getting all handsy"

And then: "he said maybe we can watch a movie at his place during the week and I said OK."

"he didnt want to leave bc we had a lot of chemistry"

Careful dear. Sexual heat is simply sexual attraction - lust, it's superficial. True compatibility and chemistry goes a lot further than that and involves emotions, feelings, etc. that are beyond purely sexual and much deeper and complex.

"he already told me he doesn't want anything serious.. or maybe he could change his mind eventually?"

I wouldn't assume that. Many women try to "hook" a man with sex early on thinking it'll lead to a committed relationship. But in the end, all it leads to is a hookup. When a man says he isn't ready for a relationship, it pays to take him seriously and truly "hear" that. When they say that, that's what they mean dear. Many women believe they can change that, but only find in the end, after many wasted months of getting nowhere and nothing but more sex, they realize the man was telling the truth and he's truly not ready.

"I really wish I could do something to make that happen!"

Two people have to want that in order to make it happen. You can't control others, you can't change their mind and you can't make them want a relationship with you. No matter how much they like you, if they're not emotionally ready for a relationship, they're not going to enter into a committed one.

"I wouldn't just jump into a relationship right now"

If this turns into a hookup dear, there's a very high likelihood that that opportunity will never present itself. If this man only knows you sexually and not as a woman and a person, he's only ever going to view you as an "object" to help him meet and satisfy his sexual needs.

The much better option is to not have sex at all and be friends. If he gets to know you as a person and as a woman first, then maybe a year or so down the road, when he is ready for a relationship - he'll think of you.

The choice is yours as to how to proceed, but just be forewarned dear that this isn't starting out in a manner that leads to a committed relationship. . .it's starting out heading quickly towards a sexual hookup that will only amount to a brief affair, a fling.

If you want this man to truly like you as a human being and as a woman, then you have to truly get to know him - and that means no sex. Get to know him as a man and as a friend. Friends first dear. Sexual fires spark hot, light quick and then burn out fast. Don't let that be you if it's a relationship that you truly desire.; November 8, 2013 at 6:50 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 7, 7:51 PM,
Well dear, wipe those tears from your eyes. It's not worth it. I just finished explaining how these situations happen in the comment above yours here. A woman is about to willingly enter into the same exact situation you're in. It might make you feel better to address her here and offer some insight and advice to her. Sometimes, helping others helps ourselves :-) We can all benefit from each others support.

Don't worry about gaining HIS respect dear. Only worry about gaining your own back for YOURSELF. It's not him and what he thinks of you that matters. It's what you think of yourself that does. Because when the next man you meet comes along, what you project to him - is how he will view you. And you want to make sure that you project to him that you value yourself and that you're valuable:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/08/how-do-you-value-yourself.html

So it's crucial that you worry about yourself here and forget about him. What he thinks of you dear has no bearing. He's already told you, from day one, that he didn't want a relationship. So what difference does it make now what he thinks of you? Because he's never going to enter into a relationship here anyway, ya' know? So what he thinks really doesn't matter as it's not going to change the fact that he simply is not ready for a relationship right now. Whether he respects you or not, he's still not going to enter into a relationship. So focus on yourself and your future instead, and leave him in your past.

Here are some of the things you need right now:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/12/woman-must-have-happiness-dating.html

And here's some of what you need to get comfortable with:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

Cease pursuing him. Cease initiating contact with him. And if he contacts you, he gets no response and no contact because you need to detach emotionally from him to heal right now:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

Doing this will help you to get over him dear so that you can move forward and meet a man that wants what you want and that is ready, willing and able to give that and to meet and fulfill your desires. He's not the man for that. So get yourself healed and prepared to meet the man in your future that IS the man for that :-)

You deserve better than this dear. Don't sell yourself short by settling for less. Stand strong, start spending time with friends and start living your life dear, freely and independent of him or a man right now. Happiness does not come from another, it does not come from a man. It comes from within yourself. When you are happy with yourself and happy whether you have a man or not. . .others sense this happiness and warmth that you emit and they long to be near it and you attract like-minded individuals back to yourself.

So work on being happy and whole and fulfilled right now without a man, and once you start emitting that out to the universe, you will attract a like-minded man back to yourself that wants the same things you want :-); November 8, 2013 at 7:05 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi there, The no Contact rule didn't work for me, I went NC for over a month. Finally sent him a warm platonic text reply which he welcomed, then sent him another text a few days later which he also welcomed but nothing ever since. What do u advise here, I just go NC for good or do I resist and let the ex come find me? I feel like I've kind of humiliated myself, did so good having that time to myself and now I feel worse off, as I feel im even more rejected this time now that the rship is over, I need some understanding of what is going on :(
HELP please :(; November 9, 2013 at 7:15 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous November 9, 7:15PM,
No contact is not a guarantee dear, nothing in life is. And while it may bring the man back, it's most beneficial use is for you, so that you can emotionally disconnect from the man, pull away and get clear again. Additionally, if used to test the man's interest level, only one "tap" communication should be sent. You can't start to chase and pursue the man because that almost always backfires on women, whether they're testing the man or not, men simply do not like to be pursued by women and they pull away from that as it amounts to "pressure."

At this point dear, his level of interest has been tested - and he's not interested :-(

So cease contacting him, do not respond to any communications received from him and find peace of mind and build your self-esteem back up. Cease focusing on him and start focusing on yourself instead. Start doing things you love and spending time with friends and begin dating other men. You deserve better than this and a half interested man is not what you need. So start fresh, leave him in your past and find a man that wants the same thing you want :-); November 11, 2013 at 7:40 AM
Anonymous said...: hi, I know this is an old post but I need help here ive been in a relationship with a man for 6 years he lived with me for 5 we broke up 2 years ago for 5 months in which he would not talk to me for the whole time ignored me he didn't date no one else but I did we broke up cuz we argued a lot cuz of stress people lived in our home and it was my family it got to much and we started ragging on each other one day he said he needed time to think and space and just vanished he would not talk to me no matter how I tried then five months later I walk into a bar I saw him we talked and got back together thay was 2 years ago now it seems we are here again broken up ok it was me I told him to leave on a way to emotional nite he was blindsided but left he came over a week later he said and I said I didn't want to live with each other anymore so he says so what do you want to do about us I said I still want to see you and be together but well just live in other places he said I guess we can see where that goes but was quiet cuz I didn't think he expected me to tell him I didn't want him living with me no more cuz he said he was happy and still loved me and was not thinking of leaving me at all before the fight and after I told him to leave so I kinda hurt him when I just kicked him out on an argument well we both agreed to still be together and work it out we talked that nite then the next day nothing he started ignoring me wont call me back wont txt back nothing except a txt to say when can I get the rest of my stuff I said any time you want and then I never heard from him again last week a txt at 5 in the morning that said yo and I text back the next day inviting him to dinner nothing from him but get this he is always at my sisters house with her and her husband but he don't talk about me they don't ask except he said iam crazy and he don't no what goes on in my crazy head he told them but he is always there but he always had a close relationship with my brother in law I don't ask my sister about him and don't go there at all cuz I no he has been hanging around there but he still ignores me but is still hanging with my family what the hell does this mean is he playing mind games he has everything still here bills in his name hasn't attempted to get anything or settle bills in his name he is just ignoring me while hanging with my sister and her husband should I go no contact on his butt cuz truthfully I do txt him sometimes and call him so what should I do with this man I love him and want him back but I think he is acting childish ive said sorry for my actions but he still wont budge its strange he is at my sisters all the time but wont answer me and ignores me what is going on in his head and what should I do.....thanks very confused.; November 11, 2013 at 5:52 PM
Angel said...: I have been in an on off relationship for over a year and a half now. We normally see each other several times a week and at some points really every day. But in the year and a half (actually year and 3/4), he can't even really make a commitment to being my "boyfriend" or being monagamous. I am 36, he is 43.
At the beginning of our relationship, it was definitely him pursuing me hard. After about a month of dating, I was kind of annoyed with him, not really feeling it, and had to go out of town for a month to attend to some personal (health related) business. I ignored him for almost a month. To the point of being almost cruel. He just wanted to know if I was ok, and I wouldn't even respond. Just cause he was annoying me a bit. I came back into town, we made contact again, he told me how hurtful that was, and I PROMISED him I would never do that again.
Since that initial period, I have managed to fall in love with him. Who is the pursuer has kind of switched (to me), and the way that he treats me has become almost intolerable. I feel that I have more than 100 times made up for that initial coldness, when i actually came to care about him. But things have become very hurtful. Our relationship has become unhealthy, especially for me. I feel that i need a commitment, or i need to move on. I'm on day 2 of no contact. My question is, is no contact a good idea given our history? To him that is the worst thing that I could possibly do to him, and I'm afraid if I did this we may be doomed.; November 12, 2013 at 2:23 AM
Anonymous said...: Hey Mirror, I just found your website and I love it, it is so great of you to give advice to people, you are a wise woman, thats for sure. Sorry, I emailed this to you as well I actually wanted to post it only here:

So my situation is the following. I met a guy in april this year and we were doing long distance. He is 24 and just started college in the US. We spent the summer together and some time in april, but we haven't seen each other for 3 months now. We were in contact though every day. He said he loved me several times and we were making plans about moving in together. We had a plan to spend Christmas and new year together but just before we booked the tickets he canceled due to family reasons. Then we agreed to meet in the spring holiday. I am in Asia, he is in the US. I don't want to bor you with the whole story, I made some mistakes by freakng out when he disappeared dor days and when he didn't check or respond to my messages. Actually last week I saw on his fb timeline that a girl messaged him that "it was nice seeing you today". I sent him a text asking him who the girl was and I told him I want to put it on fb that we are in a relationship bc I want him to myself and i want everyone know that we are together. When I woke up in the morning, he messaged me saying no and that bc of my jealousy and emotional swings, he wants to stop the whole thing between us and then blocked me from fb and skype so I couldn't even respond him. I was wise enough to delete him phone number but then I sent a vey mean and offensive email to him about how immature he was and how childish he is by blocking me and that I am sure he met someone else, just doensnt have the balls to tell me. He responded almost immediately saying that he has been having a moral dilemma about me lately (which further makes me think he met someone) and he made this decision bc he wants to focus on his career and that he sees our course of life and its hard for him to see the two of us happy together and he wants to travel some more and all that BS. However, before this we were planning to travel together...he closed the email by saying that when I wanted to put up on fb that we are in a relationship, the reality of us hit him. And he knows he is not perfect but does care about me. I didnt respond. Next morning he unblocked me on fb and sent a message asking if Im done being angry yet and if I want to talk. I waited but I know I was stupid and responded to him saying that I am good and what could we talk about. That was 2 days ago and since then nothing...What shall I do? I want to stick to NC now very rigorously but do you think there is a chance he will respond or was it just a game and wanted me to text him back and I failed bc I did?; November 12, 2013 at 6:04 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 11,5:52 PM,
I think you both need this break and you should just leave things be for now and see how it plays out. It may seem as if he's acting childish, however, the same could be said for your behavior dear. I'm sorry, I know that isn't what you want to hear, but pushing someone away over minor issues and then expecting them to take you back after being hurt and pretend as if nothing has happened isn't very realistic dear :-(

When you do that, you cause hurt feelings and pain. And those hurt feelings and pain change the way people feel, they change the emotions someone may feel. And when someone's feelings change and they've been deeply hurt, that's not something that you can just forget happened and then turn around and pretend it never did. Additionally, you're pushing him away for a reason. And rather than pretend you didn't mean it or act as if it never happened, I'd suggest you leave things as they are right now and instead, explore why you've done this. Explore your feelings about him and the relationship and why you:

1) Don't want to live with him.
2) Why you sent him away.

Those are very real issues and if you chose to ignore them, they're just going to come right back months or weeks later and result in the same exact situation again - a third time.

So my suggestion would be to leave things be for right now. Use 30 days of no contact and no response and cease attempting to communicate with him and trying to control the situation by trying to get him to change his mind. Instead, leave things be and take this space that you both clearly need to think, to get grounded again and to explore the issues above within yourself and see if maybe this is really what you want right now. You sent him away for a reason and you don't want to live with him for a reason. So now, you need to explore those reasons and why you feel that way before you even consider getting back together.

You must figure out what it is that you truly want. And in order to do that, you need to take a significant break and you need a significant amount of time to explore those feelings within yourself so that you can drill down to that which you truly want - before pulling him back into your life. Take enough time for the confusion to go away and spend some time on your own before you make any rash decisions about the future of the relationship. Then, once you figure out what it is you truly want, you can proceed in whichever direction will take you there :-); November 12, 2013 at 8:04 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Angel,
"My question is, is no contact a good idea given our history?. . .I'm afraid if I did this we may be doomed."

Well dear, one could also say that if you've been dating this man for over a year and a half now and HE has not asked for a commitment, you're already doomed :-( Most men, if they're going to enter into a long term committed relationship, will make these feelings known and request by about the six month mark. If it goes beyond six months and it's not progressing, then the reality is that it's probably never going to. Given that, I'd leave things be right now. I'd take that time away for yourself and spend the next 30 days thinking about that and doing the things you love. If you want a relationship, you've given more than enough of your time to this man to give that a chance to happen. If it's not going to happen, you don't waste any more time on it. You don't beat your head against the way trying to change a man. Instead, you accept that this isn't the man that can make you happy and give you what you need. And you release him to free yourself up to find a man that wants what you want and that is willing to fulfill your needs.

A year and a half is more than enough time dear. It's not progressing and it only appears to be getting worse. Take the next 30 days to yourself to gain clarity, decrease the confusion, and enjoy yourself. And then see how you feel after that period. Because it could be that by then, you fully realize what you need to do and the direction you need to go - and you may even be surprised to see that, it's not with him.; November 12, 2013 at 8:12 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 12, 6:04 AM,
"What shall I do?"

You don't need to "do" anything dear. He's made himself clear and you don't want to involve yourself in some sort of love triangle. So steer clear of that. He's broken up with you and when that happens, when someone rejects you and/or treats you poorly, you DON'T reward them with your time and attention. When your dog pees on the floor, you don't give it a treat - instead, you place it outside and away from you. The dog receives "consequences" for it's actions:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

And that's what he now receives as well - consequences for his actions and decisions. They were his and he's entitled to them, however, along with those types of decisions and behavior comes consequences. And his consequences are - he gets none of your attention and he receives no response and no contact from you:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

"I want to stick to NC now very rigorously but do you think there is a chance he will respond or was it just a game and wanted me to text him back and I failed bc I did?"

It doesn't matter dear. Why do you want some man that's probably currently involved with another woman contacting you anyway? Why do you want some man that you cannot trust in your life, ya' know? That will only bring you more confusion, grief and pain because what will happen is - you will attempt to control that. You will attempt to control whether or not he's seeing anyone else and that situation will only make you extremely insecure and cause you a lot of confusion. I wouldn't wish for that or want that for myself.

Instead, what I would do is - give him EXACTLY what he's asked for - his freedom. And with that - no contact and no response from me, for at least 30 days. Don't try to hang onto him. Instead, set him free. There's an old saying, "If you love something, set it free. If it flies back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, then it never was."

Set him free and set yourself free in the process. Begin dating other men and exploring your options and cease worrying about him and what he's doing and who he's with. If he's confused, that's his problem. You can't help him there, he needs to work that out on your own. And he needs to work that out - without you. So leave those social media blocks in place so that you don't create even more anxiety for yourself by checking on him there and free yourself to enjoy your life without him, to spend time working on yourself and your career or the things you love and begin dating other men - instead of wishing for one that's currently refusing you. Stay focused on the good in life and not the bad. Remove the bad from you life and you open up more room for the good :-); November 12, 2013 at 8:25 AM
Anonymous said...: Im @Anonymous Nov 12, 6:04 AM.... thank you so much for your quick and detailed reply. It is unbelievably great help for me. I will try to move on but it is just so hard...it is nice reading this forum and seeing others going through the same situation and that I am not alone...I will do the NC for as long as I just can, not to get him back but to forget him....hopefully by the end of it not only my mind but also my heart will realize that this guy doesnt deserve my attention.; November 12, 2013 at 3:12 PM
Anonymous said...: The guy that I was dating off and on for 3 years disappeared on me for a month. He text me after the month asking how I was and said that I didn't return his phone call. He never called me though, so I didn't reply. I actually ignored him for two months. My birthday was 2 weeks ago. He sent me a text asking how I was and asked if he could take me out for a birthday lunch that week. I told him that I was busy that week, but maybe the next week. He said that sounded good. The next week came and on Tuesday he sent a text saying that he would have to take a rain check on lunch that week and asked how next week looked. I told him that I was busy that week also, but what day was he thinking for next week. He asked for Tuesday. I said sure that works. He didn't reply after that. That was a week ago and we were supposed to go to lunch today. I got a text from him this morning at 10:45 and he said, "Can we reschedule lunch. I have to meet an attorney. Thanks" No apologies or anything. My one friend thought I should tell him off, but my other friend said that I shouldn't let him know I am upset about it because that would give him the upper hand. I felt she was right. I just responded, "No worries. Something came up at work and I couldn't get away either". It just feels like he blew me off twice now, so I didn't offer another day or anything. I don't want to appear like a doormat either. What should I do at this point. I know I won't be initiating contact at all. Maybe he is mad because I ignored him for 2 months and now he is blowing me off? I don't know. Do I need to go back into No contact mode?

Thanks for all your help. I'm glad this site is here to see other people's situations and learn from them. We all need help when it comes to this relationship stuff!!; November 12, 2013 at 9:06 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks mirror for the advice, yeah you are so rite iam being a child and cant expect him to want to talk to me after I have told him to leave our home and he is really tired of me telling him to leave and I know he is hurt and needs this time to heal and think and I haven't let both of us do that by always trying to contact him so ill try the no communication for 30 days or so to see if we are both in a better place at that time but before I read your comment my sister said he told her he has a lot of things at our home and don't want none of them only his tv of course he is a man I did txt him and said he can have it and come by any time he wants to get it and I think the break up is for the best rite now and I just want us to be able to communicate with out anger or ill feelings so we can both move on but that was hours ago and I have gotten nothing from him so maybe ive inherited a tv which he said he wanted back but I will not pressure him or call or txt or ask my sister about him ill give him his space I know he is angry fed up and hurt and iam to blame and cant expect him to just want to talk to me so thanks for the advice ill keep you posted on what happens your site is wonderful sometimes it helps to get advice from someone who can tell you how it is and you have done just that thank you one more thing iam an aries and he is a aquarius and kinda a introvert and he hates arguing and confrontation he shuts down and closes up just like he is doing now but I will give him his space and see where it goes thank you so much...................; November 12, 2013 at 9:27 PM
Angel said...: Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. :) I think that this is much needed.; November 12, 2013 at 11:47 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 12, 9:06 PM,
If it were me, I'd be non-responsive to him moving forward. There's an old saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me [for letting it happen again]."

Don't be fooled again dear - just keep moving forward and don't respond to his contact anymore and/or accept any more date requests.

I wouldn't show him that I'm upset because when you do that, all it does is reassure them that you care [enough to get that upset about it]. I'd just keep moving forward, dating other men and doing well. Because the best revenge dear - is doing well :-); November 13, 2013 at 8:34 AM
Anonymous said...: Thank you for the advice, Mirror. I know you are right. I've been doing good these past few months, so I just have to keep moving forward. I know I don't deserve to be treated like this, so I have to put him behind me. It's amazing how you find the strength to work through these times!; November 13, 2013 at 11:22 AM
Anonymous said...: I had been seeing an old childhood crush for about a month and everything seemed to go great with him. He initiated all calls, texts and dates. We went on 3 dates and these were dates that I have never experienced. Lot's of chemistry and talking. I did not jump to answer his calls and texts because I was either busy doing my own thing. Well, the last date, we both had a little too much wine and we ended up having sex. He has since faded completely on me. Called me constantly for a week after, then he cancelled on two dates. One bc he was sick and he did not want to get me sick before an important event. The next, he had a family emergency. I have not heard from him, just a few facebook likes. I am not calling or texting him and it's been a month. Should I text him just to say "hi." It is killing me, but I am living my life.; November 14, 2013 at 2:52 PM
Scorpio said...: Hi Mirror,

I like this article, think I am a like mind woman. However when it comes to breakup, I still feel uneasy to put him back of my memory. Now is the 24th day of no contact, I am still very confusing. After reading this post and the feedbacks, I felt you must be able to help me out.

I met this Vigo man once 2 years ago off a dating website, He scared me away for the fact he was pursuing too intensely. Then I was in 1.5 years loving relationship with someone else until it failed and I was emotionally done with ex-boyfriend. I went back to that website, the Virgo man wrote me and I rejected him the second time. Not long later, I was diagnosed with over active thyroid condition. I recalled this Virgo man told me in the meeting 2 years ago, that he was a pharmacist however, he taught Yoga on weekends to help people on medical condition. I wrote him to ask for help, he took me on Yoga class immediately. With appreciation, I started going out with him and wow, it turned out such an amazing thing in my life.

We date for almost 3 months, and that was the most beautiful 3 months. This Virgo man is a real gentleman, always treats me with respect. In the 3 months, I kept telling him I wasn't ready for sex, and he respected it. He initiated calls, texts every single day. He asked me out every Friday & Saturday night and he always picked me up even if he just got off the plane from a business trip. Plus I went to his place for Yoga class on Saturday morning. We both agreed to date exclusively, and he said I was a woman one in a million to him, and I told him I was the happiest woman in the world. Although he was 13 years older, we never felt it a problem, we longed for each other every day. I was ready to sleep with him, but I wanted to wait longer to make sure we had long-term potential. Sometimes I turned down his Friday date to play so called hard to get, but I made the excuse to say I wanted him to stay home and get more sleep (he gets up early to practice Yoga everyday) I didn’t know it would backfire me one day.

We broke up 1 week before my birthday for silly fights. The fight was caused by me and he got very angry at the end. He started saying I was too controlling, I tried to change his life. Despite he said many times he wanted to see me on Fridays, he never felt tired when he was with me, I still would not allow him to see me. I don’t know where this controlling impression came from though, since I always let him do what he wanted, I never pushed him for anything! Nest day after the breakup, he went to the business trip, I sent him an email to apologize but no response, it has never happened in our dating history, he never ignored me. One week later, I texted him, he did respond but he said he wasn’t mad at me, it was just might be we were not born for each other, maybe he did not even understand me, he wasn’t able to make me happy but just make me sad everyday and he wished me to find someone love me and in the way I wanted. However he would be more than happy to help me anytime I needed.
Although I wanted to tell him that was not true, he did make me happy everyday! However, to this point, I realized I should accept the breakup, I didn’t want to beg. So I just texted him said that I would only carry on my life with happy memories. He texted me thank you and wished me happy birthday. That was the end, no contact since then.
I am a Scorpio, pride is such a big part in my life, I don’t know how to fix this. Sometimes I think he is a good man that I should not miss out; sometimes I think he can’t even deal with a small fight, and he isn’t willing to care about my hurt feeling, he only wants happy feeling from me? Mirror, I don’t know. I still miss him every day. I slowly starting meeting new men, but, it is hard for me to take any of them, he is on my mind so deeply now.

Scorpio woman; November 19, 2013 at 11:38 AM
Old Habits said...: I think I just need reassurance than I am doing the right thing. This guy and I kind of fell into a dynamic where I was the one initiating ALL of the contact. It was subtle shift because initially he was doing all the contacting and was clearly very into me. We were both engaging equally. Then he almost imperceptibly began to contact less, but was enthusiastically responsive to my contact. Finally it was blatantly clear to me that I was working WAY too hard and even though he still seemed to like me quite a lot, he was not putting in ANY effort to keep MY attention. After his visit this past week (this has been long distance, but he moves to my city Dec 1)... we had two dates where he seemingly prioritized me in his schedule. Still, I was already at this point sick of having to do all the leg work in the contact department and had made the decision to pull back drastically to give him room to step forward. He said he'd see me in december. He went back to his city and it has been a week since I have contacted him and he hasn't contacted me at all. So no steps....

Now, I'm not new to the dating thing. I have enough past experience to know that if I feel like some one only has half-hearted interest in me... chances are I am right. I also know that if I pretend to ignore that and make excuses for the behaviors that imply this... it never ends well. In the past I would have done this... but this time around... I really do know better. I know that the best relationships I have had have been with men who PUT IN THE EFFORT... and without me having to think about how I needed to play it. It just worked. So, I know this situation is not on the level.

Still, old habits die hard and sometimes my brain has thoughts that are counter to what I already know to be true. Ugh... Despite what he has said that signals he likes me, the actions don't give the feeling that he is that into me. Still I wonder if I just expect too much and maybe this is normal. That thought alone is the most annoying.... because I don't think I expect too much. What I expect is that if a guy is into me, he will reach out. He won't risk losing my attention.

Sigh. What is it with the doubts? Why do we second guess ourselves? (I don't think I am unique in this) I want to stick to my guns here because even if there is a misunderstanding, I can do better than this situation.; November 20, 2013 at 3:48 PM

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