Dating: When, Why, How, To Use No Contact

There are many dating rules out there, but it’s the tried and true ones, the old fashioned traditional ways of doing things, that really do work, which is why certain rules have held true and lasted over the years.

One of those rules happens to be the No Contact Rule. In this handy little guide, I’m going to explain to you the how, when and why’s of this rule: how to use no contact, when to use no contact and why to use no contact when dating. Because this handy little dating rule serves more than just one purpose and has more than just one use.

I’m going to be speaking to the ladies here, but men, this applies to you as well. But I don’t have to tell you that. You guys are well versed in this dating rule and put it to use regularly. But for those men who may not be familiar with it, read on.

When And Why To Use The No Contact Rule When Dating

When A Man Suddenly Disappears On You

No Contact is a handy little trick to attempt to lure someone back to you – by disappearing on THEM. As most women already know, powerful attraction builds for a man that suddenly, and without warning, disappears. Why? Because you begin to think about them constantly.

Where did he go? Is there someone else? Why did he disappear? It doesn’t matter if all the thinking taking place is actually negative in nature, it only matters that all that thinking is actually taking place.

Why?

Because when someone thinks about you constantly, it actually creates intense attraction for them. Playing hard to get works, ladies, which is why it’s another one of those good ole’ fashioned rules that’s stuck around. Psychologically, people tend to want what they can’t have. It’s called the Law of Scarcity and it works in economics and in relationships.

It’s a scientific fact – uncertainty heightens romantic attraction. So if you’re worried he’ll think you’re not interested and then be gone for good, don’t bother thinking that. That’s just your insecurities talking, that’s just you thinking you’re not good enough. But YOU ARE good enough. Have faith in yourself that you’re worth it – and that he thinks you are, too. Don’t sell yourself short because how you perceive yourself – is how others will perceive you as well.

You see, when he’s uncertain as to whether or not you really like him, it’s actually a good thing. It keeps him interested. It keeps him coming around. It makes him want to win you over. It makes him work harder at the relationship. All those things it does to you when it happens to you – it does to him as well.

When a man disappears on you and you worry that he may be gone for good - when he resurfaces suddenly, do you kick him to the curb? Nope. Well, it works the same for men, gals. When you disappear on them suddenly and without warning and then you resurface out of nowhere, they’re unlikely to kick you to the curb. Rather, nine times out of ten, the individual is thrilled you’ve returned.

Men know this, ladies. They use this dating rule regularly – on YOU.

When You Want Your Ex Back

This handy dandy little dating rule can also be used to lure an ex back into your tangled web. If you’ve overwhelmed your ex with neediness, emotional displays, tons of questions about his feelings for you, anger and frustration and, as a result, he dumped you and now you want him back - employ the rule of no contact immediately. Why? To make him think he was wrong about you - and to make him miss you.

Why?

Because men are human too, ladies. They miss people and they’ll miss you when you suddenly disappear and they’re ringing your phone and texting you and you’re not answering or responding to them. That’s when the roles gets reversed and now THEY’RE thinking about YOU constantly. And all that thinking, negative or not, is actually going to create an intense attraction for you. The point is to stay away so long that the man actually begins to “long” for you.

Men equate “longing” for someone with love, ladies.

To Get Over A Man

Yep, the no contact rule is truly a handy dandy little rule with lots of uses. And the last use is to help you get over a bad breakup with a man – to help you emotionally detach from him. Why do you want to detach from him? So you can move on, think about him less, and allow room to meet other men and cease the unhealthy obsessive thought patterns and embarrassing behavior that ultimately, only makes you feel worse about yourself and helpless.

Why?

You see, when you desperately hang on, when you remain in communication with an ex, you’re doing yourself a big injustice. You’ll never get over him if you’re still communicating with him. So do yourself a big ole’ favor here and stop doing that, right now.

If you want the pain to go away, ladies – you have to make HIM go away, because he IS your pain.

How To Use The No Contact Rule When Dating

When A Man Suddenly Disappears On You OR When You Want Your Ex Back

Generally, the no contact rule is a 30 day rule. How to do this is, when a guy suddenly disappears on you without warning or breaks up with you and you want him to notice you again, you get his attention by suddenly disappearing on HIM – you make him experience the consequences.

It’s what’s best for him and you. That’s how you learn lessons in life, that’s how you learn not to repeat your mistakes and that’s how you experience personal growth and develop coping skills. And yes, they call them “growing pains” for a reason – they hurt. So expect it to hurt and brace yourself for a wonderful period of self-awareness and personal growth.

You disappear for 30 days. You do not take his calls. You do not respond to his texts. You do not communicate with him via social media. You do not communicate or respond at all, period, for 30 days. You stay gone and all he hears are crickets chirping in the dead of night.

After not hearing from you or receiving a response from you for 30 days, he'll begin to think this . . watch the video below, a song called "Madness" by Muse, and pay close attention to what this man is doing in these lyrics here - he's THINKING - about the WOMAN, and what HE did WRONG and how he's now READY to face the fact that he needs to LOVE:

Some woman most likely pulled "no contact" on his ass there.

So then, after a 30 day time period (30 days from the time you decided to use the no contact rule) and lots of time for him to think, you suddenly and without warning – resurface. And you do so by either:

1.) Finally responding to a question from one of his last communications (if he’s asked one)

2.) Simply saying, “Hello, how are you?”

And when communication is reinstated – you keep it short and sweet. You don’t share your emotions, you don’t cry, you don’t text back and forth like lightening for 5 hours and you don’t have long, drawn out 3 hour telephone conversations in an attempt to hash things out. You play it cool. You’re busy, you’re independent, you’re confident and you have a life. You “check in” is all. You make small talk and nothing more.

And from that point forward, you play it cool. You take an hour or so to respond to texts. You return calls a day or so later. You don’t accept last minute date requests, he has to make plans with you 3 days in advance or – you’ve already made plans (even if you haven’t, you pretend as if you have – remember, you have a life and you want to give him the impression that you’re busy, healthy and others desire your time as well). This is how you set healthy boundaries, earn respect and get him to treat you with fairness and kindness.

If he’s started out after the no contact period correctly but then suddenly relapses into bad behavior again, then you employ “behavioral mirroring” with him. If he disappears on you for 3 days, you don’t respond for 3 days. If he takes 24 hours to answer a text, you take 24 hours to respond. If he says he’ll call and he doesn’t, when he does, you don’t answer it and you respond to it 3 to 5 days later. And if he really begins misbehaving and taking you for granted again – you employ the no contact rule all over again for 30 days. This is how you create fairness and balance in a relationship and how you hold your own and you don’t get plowed over again.

This is how you earn a man’s respect, ladies. If you’re a pushover, then that’s exactly what he’s going to do to you – push you over.

When You Need To Get Over A Man Or A Breakup

Breakups hurt, rejection hurts. And most times, they hurt women more than men because of all the emotions women are capable of having that men are not. Men don’t analyze things or beat themselves up. Men PROJECT their emotions – outward and onto others. Women ABSORB their emotions – and beat themselves up.

If you want the pain to go away, you need to walk through those emotions and accept the reality. The only way to get rid of the pain is to feel the pain, to work through it and to learn to cope with your emotions in a healthy manner. To make that process much easier for yourself, you employ the no contact rule.

You do not, under any circumstances, communicate with the man. If you do, you’ll have to experience the consequences of your OWN decisions here – you’ll experience pain again, because you’ve permitted it. So you ignore his calls, you don’t respond to his texts, you remove him from any of your social media profiles and you put the past in the past.

If you remain in contact with your ex, you’ll never heal and you’ll continue to experience the hurt. You must cease contact for your own good. If you want the pain to go away, get rid of the pain – he IS your pain - and you need to get rid of him.

This will help you to think of him less and less as the days go on. You will begin to detach from him and from all of the negative emotions and damaging thought processes. You will no longer feel the intense desire to cling to him or to reach out to him. You will begin to feel better about yourself and you will begin to make room in your life for a new man – one that treats you with respect and kindness.

Using the no contact rule to get over a man - helps you to actually get over him.

And there you have it, a handy dandy little guide to employing the no contact rule properly when dating. There are many times in life ladies, that you must learn to say “no” and actually take responsibility for your own happiness and stop blaming the man when it’s actually YOU permitting this unhappiness. If you want things to change – then YOU have to change. You have to learn to be happy, with or without a man, and you need to stop living under the false impression that you need a man to make you happy.

Your happiness doesn’t come from a man, it comes from within yourself - and you radiate it, like warm sunshine.

So get comfortable with the phrases below:

“No, I won’t tolerate this.”

“No, this is unacceptable.”

“No, I won’t permit you to treat me like this”

“No, I will not be available to you when you treat me with disrespect and take me for granted.”

It’s Simple Gals

If you don’t look out for yourself and treat yourself with respect, then why would anyone else? Men want sex. Women want romance. So the best (and only) way for a man to have sex with you – is to romance you. Period, case closed. It’s a tradeoff, and a fair and equal one at that.

So make them do that, ladies: No romance = no sex. It’s simple.

Learn to say “no” and set healthy boundaries in your relationships and you will actually find that you will begin to feel empowered. You will develop a healthy self-esteem. You will feel confident. You will signal to men that you need to be treated with respect. You will grow dignity. You will find that you worry less and less about impressing a man – and you become more and more focused on a man impressing YOU (romancing you).

You have something he wants (sex): Make him work for it (romance).

Do that and you will be happy. You will be treated with respect and kindness. Give it away for free and you’ll be taken for granted by a man who never wants to lift a finger for you or impress you or give you what you need (romance).

This is not game playing, ladies. This is setting healthy boundaries for yourself, looking out for yourself and earning respect for yourself – and making a man treat you with such.

And here’s the harsh reality, ladies. Recent studies have shown that the modern day woman kisses approximately 75 frogs before finding her Prince Charming. So realize that when you stand your ground and demand respect, lazy men, users, and players seeking sex for free will walk away from you. But that’s a good thing because you’re weeding your way through the worthless ones that would’ve only hurt you anyway.

So if 74 frogs leap away from you – realize that the 75th is on his way to you.

It’s the good ole’ fashioned way of doing things. Back in the day, they called it courting. Try it, it works.

2516 Comments:

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Anonymous said...: I hope it is not too late to comment on this. The last time we texted ended with a hot argument because he lost his interest after I kept trying to make a conversation with him on whatsapp. Noticed him online on whatsapp a lot but did not reply my text or initiate a conversation. He changed after the first time we had sex. The last thing i said to him was that he is a jerk and I don't deserve to be treated that way. Now he texted me back 2 weeks after a fight. Do I ignore his text? Will this make him think of me more? When he texted me he sounded nice saying sorry he didn't contact me sooner but no reasons. He has done that before but never initiate a conversation.; November 21, 2013 at 9:05 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Old Habits,
"What I expect is that if a guy is into me, he will reach out. He won't risk losing my attention."

Absolutely dear. Never settle for second best. Don't sell yourself short. Know YOUR value and stand your ground:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/08/how-do-you-value-yourself.html

"I want to stick to my guns here because even if there is a misunderstanding, I can do better than this situation."

Most definitely. Put him to the test dear, before you waste another ounce of your time or energy attempting to carry this relationship along solely on YOUR shoulders. If he doesn't man up and step forward, into the space you've created to move closer to you - then you have your answer dear.

And then you know not to waste any more time and you're free to move on.; November 22, 2013 at 6:33 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA!

First off, I'd like to tell you that I love your blog and the advice you provide! I think it's great!

I do need some advice on a guy I had been seeing. I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I met this guy on Match in July. We hit it off and he seemed really into me. We were dating for about 3.5 months. He was always in contact every day through text message. I rarely ever had to message him first. The weird thing is, we only talked twice on the phone (both times, I had to ask him to call me) and at the time, I just figured this is the new way of dating and staying in contact is text messaging, so I didn't try to think anything of it. Also, he is a cop for our city, so working overnights, weekends, and picking up over time made it difficult to always call one another (since we basically work opposite schedules), however, now reading information on Emotionally Unavailable men, I realize that he could have made the effort to talk on the phone, even if it would be for 5 minutes. Actually, looking back on it, we was a little weird about talking on the phone and always made excuses as to why he couldn't pick up and so on. I always brushed it off, and I now know this was a red flag.

Anyways... so at the end of October, I asked him to call me so that I could basically talk to him about where this was going. We had hung out the week prior, but due to us each being busy the following week, weren't able to nail down any plans to see each other... so the week prior was the last time I saw him. We had a great night (went to dinner and then back to my place to watch a movie). He had to be at court the next day pretty early, so when he was leaving, he was like "Alright beautiful, I need to head home." When he got home from that night, he sent me a text and said "I think you're gorgeous and pretty amazing too... I had fun tonight." I had then heard from him all day the next day through text and the week after... everything seemed fine.
Anyways, so when he called me, I basically just asked him where this was going. He then said to me "I actually was thinking about this yesterday and I know how busy the Holiday's are going to get for you and this is also a really busy time for me as well... so I think we should see each other when we can and maybe revisit this in a month or so." He told me he would be out of town for 16 days in November, home for a week, and back out of town for another 8 days (however, I never asked why or where he was going). I asked him if he was looking for a relationship and he said "I am, but right now, I can't give 100%." I then asked him if he was seeing anyone else and he said "No, I don't even have time to see you as much as I'd like." So then I followed up with the "do you just not want to see me anymore" question and his response was "No, I do when we have time." So then he had to get off the phone because he was heading into work and said he could text back and forth. So we started texting and I basically told him that if we like each other and want to continue to see where this is going, we can work something out for the next month or so until things slow down for us and I told him that I knew he wouldn't like it if I was dating other people (since we've already kind of talked that we aren't seeing anyone else). We did have some texting back and forth, however, his final text read: "I do like you and I enjoy spending time with you, but I'm not currently at the same place you are right now. If you meet someone and would like to get to know them, then I encourage you to do that. I know that's not typically how you handle things, but I don't want you to wait around on me and miss an opportunity to be happy." Stupid me follows up with "I think you're worth the wait.." yada yada...; November 25, 2013 at 4:54 PM
Anonymous said...: continued.....
finally I just said "Well, I don't really know what to think right now, but I guess if you want to hang out, then get ahold of me." He didn't respond.... that was the last time I heard from him. This was all done on a Sunday, so on the Wednesday after, I sent him a text that read "Hey you... I just wanted to send a quick text and say that I agree we should keep this casual until both our schedules slow down. I know we are both going to be busy, so maybe stay in touch and see each other when we can. I hope you're doing well and have a good day!" - I asked my best guy friend to read the text before I sent it and he said that it sounded fine and not "needy."
Anyways... I am on day 27 of no contact. I have not reached out to him since I sent that last text and he has not reached out to me. He hasn't unfriended me from FB yet and I have not made it seem like I am sulking over him. But at this point, I don't know what to do. I really liked him and I thought he liked me as well (he even got jealous over some other guy I had dated a year ago who he knows... this other guy unfriended me from FB, I'm assuming because the new guy said something to him.. although he hasn't admitted to it... in fact, anytime he brings up the guy I dated a year ago, he makes sure to say "We've never talked about you..." which I know is a lie).

I guess my question is, I've held tough to the no contact with him, but I'm starting to worry that I will never hear from him again. I'm not sure what to do at this point other than nothing at all, but I'm afraid that if I do nothing, he will just assume I've moved on and am no longer interested in him. Can you just give me some advice on if you think I'll ever hear from him again and your thoughts? I know you don't know every detail of the relationship, so it might be a little difficult to judge, but I'm going crazy... I've tried to focus on myself, friends, and do whatever I can to keep my mind off of him, but it's difficult. Nothing is adding up to me, because I keep replaying the last 3 months in my head and even though we did have a couple "bumps," we always worked it out...; November 25, 2013 at 4:54 PM
Sheena said...: Hi just read your article. It has helped me understand the No Contact idea better but my situation is complicated. I'm on day 31 of my no contact rule and for the past 2 days I've been missing (and thinking) him even more than before.
I’m 23 and this is my first ever relationship. He’s 17 and we met in school. He was the first one to ask me out and on our 3rd date, he asked me to be his gf.

At first I had my guards up and kept telling myself that he would lose interest but then when I started to know him better, I fell for him.

Basically after about a month of knowing me and being my bf, he told me that he loves me. I thought it was just a slip of toungue or something so I didnt reply. A couple of days later, he said it again and I told him that he shouldn’t be saying things like that so quickly and that he should be absolutely certain of his feelings. He replied:”we’ll that how I feel.” I didn’t say it back cause at that point I wasn’t sure if I really did love him or was just in love with the idea of having a bf. On our 4th month, I confessed that I love him too..cause I did feel it and was sure of my feelings.

After that HE would bring up topics of marriage, our future, names of our kids etc while I would talk about our plans for the following week. He promised me that he was in it for the long run..something that I never asked. I wanted to take things real slow and he was onboard..at first. At the very beginning I told him that I wasn’t gonna sleep with him just cause he paid for my dinner and he understood. Just as I was getting more comfortable with him and getting around to the idea of sleeping with him, he changed.

We have done stuff but it was months into the relationship. It’s not like he was "deprived" or anything so what changed? He even said that he was happy at the rate we are going. We did have a mini argument before he stopped contacting me. Mini argument was our first fight (I would say) and the reason why it was a mini argument was die to the lack of response from him. It was stupid (I got mad that he didn’t contact me while away in holiday but had time to msg the whole world) and I apologised (even thou my friends think I’m too relaxed with him as I don’t check up on him or say anything when he chats to girls on fb etc) but he never responsed…until I had to use a private number to call him (as he wasn’t picking up my calls). We talked, we met, HE asked if we were okay while giving me a huge hug, we did some stuff, had dinner then went home. It was all good. Texted him goodnight to which he replied “love you” and the NOTHING.

The days after that he competely ignored me. Didn’t reply to any of my texts, calls..nothing. So after 2days of “begging” him for some response..I gave up and started the no contact rule. We saw each other in class a few days after and he just ignored me. Till now I’ve got no idea what happen. I mean in relationship, mistakes are bound to happen right? Instead of working things out (like he said he would no matter what happens between us) he just gave up?

What hurts the most was how he did it. He could have just told me over the phone..hell even a text would have been better than nothing.

Okay my question: besides the age difference, anyone can offer any explanation as to why he started ignoring me? As in what made him act this way? is it a guy thing? And can I take it that he was just using me to pass time as he figured it was gonna take too long to “convience” me to sleep with him? If so, then why ask me to be his gf or talk about our future together or even cook for me?

Sorry for the lengthy issue. I'm just looking for some sort of explanation..it's driving me crazy.; November 27, 2013 at 9:17 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 25, 4:54 PM,
"But at this point, I don't know what to do."

You don't need to do anything dear. I'm not sure why, but for some unknown reason, women tend to be of the belief that it's solely up to THEM to keep a relationship afloat, alive and moving forward. And that is simply not true. It's also how women end up walking into a situation where a guy is permitted to string them along for months and months.

The only thing you need to do right now - is keep moving forward with your life, meeting other men, dating other men, and experiencing consistent forward motion. You NEVER stop living your life simply because you had a few good dates with a man, and you certainly DON'T wait around for them or give them the impression that you're willing to do so. If you do that, you'll be headed for "taken for granted" territory faster than you can say bastard, LOL ;-)

"I'm starting to worry that I will never hear from him again."

Why would you worry about that dear? Why worry that you're not hearing from a man? Why worry about a man that isn't worried about you? If anything, that makes things a lot easier for you to move on dear :-)

"I'm afraid that if I do nothing, he will just assume I've moved on and am no longer interested in him"

And so what if he does? Doesn't that tell you something? If he simply assumes you're not interested and moves on without inquiring first - that should tell you that he's not that interested dear. Which gives you nothing to worry about, other than the fact that you're free to move on. It's not necessary for women to convince a man to like them or to constantly feel like they have to stay on his radar or he'll forget them.

Think about that dear. You feel so insignificant that you fear that if you don't remind this man you exist, he'll simply forget about you - as if you've made no impression at all, and you're simply "forgettable." That's not good dear. Know your value and know that if a man is truly genuinely interested - he will DEFINITELY make it a point to remain in contact with you. That's a FACT.

"Nothing is adding up to me, because I keep replaying the last 3 months in my head and even though we did have a couple "bumps," we always worked it out..."

There's nothing to add up dear. He wasn't ready, he informed you of that, which you should be thankful for because honestly, many men don't provide that courtesy to a woman and simply disappear. He's not ready for a relationship, he doesn't have the time to invest in one and he's informed you of that, which was the right thing to do. When you started pressing him with the "where is this going" talk, he realized that you wanted more - and he fessed up to being unable to provide that to you.

At this point, and I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you simply have no choice but to accept this dear. Accept it, be thankful he was honest and upfront with you, and do your best to move on.

Because the last thing on earth any women needs is to beat her head against the wall attempting to be with a man that isn't ready - and doesn't have the time necessary to devote to a fully fledged relationship. That's a recipe for a heart break dear. So be thankful he was honest and do your best to keep moving forward :-); November 27, 2013 at 12:33 PM
Anonymous said...: My boyfriends is being distant and he won't tell me what's wrong... so i started using the no contact rule and he's been messaging me asking where i am and that he's worried about me. i would like to know that i'm doing the right thing by not messaging him back?; November 28, 2013 at 8:45 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sheena,
"It’s not like he was "deprived" or anything so what changed?"

He's very young dear. He's a child. Frankly, I'm not even sure if he's "legal" dating material. He's so very young, he's still a child.

"I got mad that he didn’t contact me while away in holiday but had time to msg the whole world"

And you had a right to be upset. I wouldn't have handled it by telling him that and confronting him, I would've simply signaled my displeasure at that by not being available to him when he finally did reach out to me. Him making time for others but not you - should tell you something.

"I apologised. . .but he never responded"

Pure ignorance and lack of maturity.

"Texted him goodnight to which he replied “love you” and the NOTHING. . .The days after that he competely ignored me. Didn’t reply to any of my texts, calls..nothing. "

You need to cease being the one to keep this afloat dear. Let HIM do some of the WORK here.

"We saw each other in class a few days after and he just ignored me."

Again, childishness and ignorance and lack of maturity. He's a very young boy dear.

"Instead of working things out (like he said he would no matter what happens between us) he just gave up?"

That's emotional immaturity, probably stemming from his very young age. And when dating dear, IGNORE the WORDS and focus ONLY on the ACTIONS of a man. His ACTIONS tell you the truth, not his words. And when a man's actions do not align with his words - it's a big red flag.

"If so, then why ask me to be his gf or talk about our future together or even cook for me?"

Because at the time, he may have wanted that. But then days later, he didn't. And my guess would be that's due to his very young age and the emotional immaturity that goes along with that. He's still a child dear. He's got a lot to learn about life, women, love, relationships - all of it. He's simply just very young and at that age, you cannot expect someone to fully know what they want, what will make them happy and how to handle sensitive issues that go along with relationships. When I was 17, I didn't know my butt from a hole in the ground, LOL. At that age dear, you can't expect anyone to know themselves very well and to know how to make good decisions for themselves and to know what the right thing to do is. He's still a child and he's still learning - and he's still got a lot to learn dear.

However, moving forward into your next relationship, CEASE INITIATING CONTACT and taking the lead and being the one to keep the relationship afloat. Read this piece, written by a man:

http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/dont-initiate-contact.html; November 28, 2013 at 10:28 AM
chk61 said...: @Anonymous Nov 25, 4:54 PM:
It is difficult for women to remain detached when dating, especially in the early stages of dating when we have met someone we like and are attracted to. I do think that a woman should NEVER initiate the "where is relationship going?" talk. So if the guy is still acting flaky at 3 months, then you (meaning me, and any woman) should pull back, take deep breaths and do whatever you can to detach from the situation, look at it from an objective standpoint and open yourself up to dating others.

It is so true that people value what they can't have. If you initiate "the talk", you are putting yourself at the man's feet. He KNOWS he has you. He still hasn't figured out what you mean to him or where you fit into his life. If he is still not calling only texting or emailing after 3 months, it's time to become scarce with NO talking.

Men don't like being confronted with "the talk" and they often will feel pressured and BOLT. The best thing a woman can do is to step back, sit on your hands, put tape over your mouth, do ANYTHING but contact him.

A few people suggested I just ask the guy what was up, when he was being flaky, disappeared, but then was open to my advances. We did have one brief conversation that did not go well, and it was the last time I saw him, 4 months ago. I won't go into all the details but suffice it to say, it has become quite clear that I am not first on his list. :-)

So I am very sorry this happened but I think the lesson she needs to take from this experience is: never initiate "the talk". If you're not sure where you stand, distance yourself from the man. That's it, in a nutshell. Just become scarce, date other men. The "talk" is the fastest way to make an undecided man run in the other direction. Believe me, I know it's easier said than done, because in every other area of life we have to COMMUNICATE to get what we want but in dating, and you are feeling vulnerable because you've probably already become intimate, you may be setting yourself up for rejection if you pressure a man to learn "where is this going". The only way to find out, as Mirror teaches, is to see if he pursues you. By creating DISTANCE, a man can learn his true feelings for you because let's face it, they don't always know what they want or how they feel until THEY CAN'T HAVE IT ANYMORE.; November 28, 2013 at 10:49 AM
chk61 said...: And at MOA,..."but for some unknown reason, women tend to be of the belief that it's solely up to THEM to keep a relationship afloat, alive and moving forward. " I think this is because in popular culture, women are blamed for the demise of a relationship and it usually is based on when they had sex, when they became intimate, did it happen after 1 date, 3 dates, 3 weeks, 3 months (too late). It's all our fault when the guy bails if we had sex too soon but they get off scot-free. Why? Because they're MEN - of course they want sex. The frustrating thing for me is that the double standard still exists and will ALWAYS exist. I have read numerous blogs and also talked to men who will say "well, yeah she slept with me too soon and I lost interest". It seems they never think to themselves: "gee, maybe we should both hold back and see where this goes".

Of course, there are always exceptions but I believe popular culture puts the onus on the woman as to whether a relationship works or not. Hence the plethora of articles aimed at women at "how to get a man to fall in love with you. " With men, the articles are: "how to get laid by as many hot women as possible".

Mother Nature sure played a cruel joke on us. ;-); November 28, 2013 at 10:59 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
You've come so far dear, you should be so proud of yourself :-)

"By creating DISTANCE, a man can learn his true feelings for you because let's face it, they don't always know what they want or how they feel until THEY CAN'T HAVE IT ANYMORE."

I'd like to follow this statement up by pointing out one VERY important FACT, and huge difference between men and women, that many women simply don't understand and can't wrap their heads around. And that fact is this:

Men fall in love during periods of ABSENCE.

Women fall in love during periods of TOGETHERNESS.

So if you want a man to realize he has feelings for you - you MUST provide him the SPACE to experience those feelings. You MUST give him periods of ABSENCE from you.

If you're up in a man's face 24/7 questioning and pressuring, you'll make it impossible for him to "feel" anything for you. Because you're not permitting any absence. He's only going to experience feelings during absence and if you're a stage 10 clinger - you're smothering out and diffusing the possibility of him experiencing feelings for you.

Remember ladies: Men only FEEL for you - when you're NOT THERE ;-); November 28, 2013 at 11:31 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
"I think this is because in popular culture, women are blamed for the demise of a relationship and it usually is based on when they had sex, when they became intimate, did it happen after 1 date, 3 dates, 3 weeks, 3 months (too late)."

I somewhat disagree with that dear. The only reason that concept exists, is because women take the blame on themselves. Meaning, women process "internally" (take feelings on internally, blaming themselves) while men process "externally" (project feelings outward onto others).

Women beat themselves up. They emotionally beat themselves to death. Men don't do that. Have you ever noticed that? They simply do not do that. Men project, women inject. I'm not saying that this is all the woman's fault, but I am saying - women do have control over that. But instead, they tend to feel powerless.

"It's all our fault when the guy bails if we had sex too soon but they get off scot-free. Why?"

I don't think they get off scott free dear. I think they are "let off the hook" many times by the woman beating herself up and blaming herself. They guy is still a dick for doing what he did. He just doesn't see himself that way or beat himself up over it. Women do. And it's this tendency of women that permits the man to appear "scott free."

Again, I'm not blaming women dear. But let's face it, the facts are the facts. Women are simply the much more emotionally complicated and complex of the two. Women internalize, men project. And what I attempt to teach women here. . .is to begin projecting. Not your needs and emotions in a negative way, but rather, project some of that blame where it belongs. . .on the man and the fact that he's a douchbag, instead of onto you because you moved too quickly. See the man for who he is, cease making excuses for his behavior and make him accountable for his actions. Instead of relieving him of all responsibility by beating yourself up for his poor treatment of you.

Don't get me wrong, women have a role to play when dating and it's a very traditional one. There are things you can do to aid a man in respecting you, trusting you and viewing you as valuable. And those things are what you've mentioned: not entering into sex and intimacy too soon, before the man has proved himself as worthy to you. That's the feminine role. A woman's job when dating is to hold the man off, while the man's job is to attempt to push through her walls. I know it sounds ridiculous, but that's the dynamic that plays out between men and women - masculine versus feminine energy. And it's been that way for eons.

And the simple fact of that matter is that pressuring someone, male or female, never really works out. Whether that's in a career, familial relationships, friendships, relationships and otherwise. When a man pressures a woman, it generally doesn't go well. And when a woman pressures a man, it generally doesn't go well. Trying to control others and trying to control the pace of things to your liking - generally does not go well, man or woman. The only difference there is that women beat themselves up for this, while men generally do not (instead they project the blame onto others).

So it's not that women are wrong or at fault - it's that ANYONE who pressures and tries to control others, will end up on the loosing end of the stick, man or woman. If it's the woman pressuring and questioning, this will backfire. If it's the man pressuring and questioning, it will backfire. It's the pressuring and questioning and the attempt at controlling others and the situation that backfires. It's not the fact that you're a woman.

Cont. . .; November 28, 2013 at 11:58 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "well, yeah she slept with me too soon and I lost interest". It seems they never think to themselves: "gee, maybe we should both hold back and see where this goes".

True, very true. It is a double standard, but it can also be viewed as masculine and feminine roles. Masculine energy plows forward (leads, initiates) while feminine energy submits (gives in, follows). Feminine and masculine energy will always exist in relationships. And that goes for same sex relationships as well. It's not about your physical gender, it's about the energy you emit. And in any relationship, friendship, work relationship, etc. - you will ALWAYS have masculine energy (leading, initiating) and feminine energy (submissive, following). If you take the masculine role, you need a man that's willing to submit. If you take the feminine role, you need a man that's willing to lead.

It's a dance dear. An energy exchange dance. And like it or not, when dancing, one is always in the lead while the other submits to that lead. If you take the lead and you're with a man that's not willing to submit, then yes, it will backfire. If you submit and you're with a man that doesn't want to take the lead, it will backfire. The energy exchange is what it boils down to. It's not that women are wrong and men are always right. It's that neither is willing to fall into one of those roles in that particular match. Which is why it's important to find a "good match." Because when you find that match, you dance. And while dancing, you naturally and easily slip into the role that best suits you :-)

"the plethora of articles aimed at women at "how to get a man to fall in love with you. " With men, the articles are: "how to get laid by as many hot women as possible". "

Ever hear the old saying, "Women go looking for love only to find sex. While men go looking for sex and end up finding love."

Women tend to think that sex leads to love, because for them, they bond during periods of TOGETHERNESS. So they mistakenly assume that's how men also bond and fall in love.

Men go seeking sex. But they end up falling in love. And not because of the sex, but because they usually meet a woman who gives them a run for their money, and during those periods of ABSENCE, end up falling in love :-)

Women and men have very different approaches to love and they each fall in love differently. Women fall in love during togetherness and men fall in love during absence, when they actually have time to experience feelings for the woman.

No one is right or wrong dear - but each is VERY different :-)

And just to provide you some balanced perspective, the glass can be viewed as half empty or half full dear, depending on which you choose to dwell on. Here's some of what I mean:

http://www.wikihow.com/Encourage-a-Woman-to-Fall-in-Love-with-You

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/relationships/20-ways-to-make-her-fall-in-love/#.Upd2s8RDuSo

http://sonicseduction.net/getting-a-girl-to-fall-in-love-with-you-a-sonicseduction-net-guide/

http://www.lovepanky.com/men/dating-women-tips-for-men/how-to-make-a-girl-fall-in-love-with-you

Both worlds are out there. . . .it simply depends on which one you choose to focus on :-); November 28, 2013 at 12:01 PM
Anonymous said...: Good morning MOA,

I would like some advice on my situation. I absolutely love this blog and am so blessed to have stumbled upon it. So here goes:

I met Q at the end of August at my cousin's wedding. He was not my usual "type" but he was so darn funny and charming that we hit it off instantly. He called me everyday after the wedding and really pursed me heavily. I am not proud of it, but I broke a ton of rules with him right off the bat and did so many things that I have never done before. I talked to him everyday (for hours) that week and then at the end of the week, we went out on an amazing date that lasted the entire day and I spent the night with him that night. That morning, I felt mortified inside because I could not believe that I had done that, but when I turned over, he was watching me sleep and he told me that he knew that I was not that type of girl, but we had such an amazing connection and he asked me to spend the rest of the day with him. He made me feel so comfortable. After that we basically saw each other every other day and spent every weekend together. About 3-4 weeks in, he slipped the "L" word out of this mouth and told me that he did not want to be with anyone else. I was shocked, I had never moved that fast with anyone and it scared me....big time, but I was staring to fall for him as well. Around the second week of October, things changed...he grew really distant...and I did the wrong thing by coming to his house (I had a key) and confronting him on it, not in a mean way, just a concerned way. He did admit that he was having some legal issues with his ex-wife that really disappointed him and he usually handles issues by getting to himself. I was already scared about the lighting fast relationship and it freaked me out that he was so close and then was able to just completely shut down like that, so I gave him back his key and we took a "break" for about three weeks. I just had a really bad feeling that I could not shake....I really cannot explain it. Well, during these three weeks, I really missed him and was reaching out and we communicated a little, but he told me that I had hurt him because he felt like I was not understanding of his situation...I guess he was right, but what bothered me was that I felt like I was the only one trying to get us back on track.

We started to spend more time together, but he was super flaky...but said it was because he had started to work 7 days a week (he works overnight) and was always tired, but he would take way too long to respond to texts, tell me he was going to call and would not until the next day and all of that madness. He always told me that he loved me and that when his schedule would let up, things would get back to the way they were in the beginning.

So, on Nov 21, I worked a half day and we had planned to spend the rest of the day together, when I got to his house, I knocked on the door and there was no answer. I figured that he had fallen asleep since he had just gotten off that morning and I left. When I got down the street, an weird number called me and when I answered, it was the mother of his child basically telling me that she has been sleeping with him for 13 years and that she was parked outside of his house and saw me at the door and that that had not been the first time (completely freaked me out!). She said that she has been waiting on him for 13 years and that I was breaking up a happy home. I was livid and I went back to Q's house.

cont; December 2, 2013 at 8:07 AM
Anonymous said...: Continued...

He answered the door and I came in and he told me what happened. He said that she was lying and that she had been acting crazy ever since he had told his daughter that he was serious with someone and he wanted her to meet me soon (she told her mother). While I was there, the woman came to his house and started beating on the door, it was insane. I stayed over there talking with him for several hours and at around 7:30, he ordered pizza for us to eat before he had to leave to go to work. When the pizza man came, the woman burst in the door (she had been staking out at his home all that time!) and just started a huge scene. Q made her go outside and then leave, but the whole ordeal was very frightening and made me feel awful. I could not get it out of my head...

Well, that Saturday, we had planned to go to the movies, but Q called me and told me he had to work that night, I was at the salon and he told me that he would call me later, but never did. On Sunday, he texted me and told me that he was headed to his daughter's dance performance and that he would call me shortly, I did not respond. He texted me later that night and said "Why did you ignore me?". I was asleep, so I decided to not respond, but that morning, I texted him back and said "I just noticed your last text, I had so much going on yesterday (I really did), I am sorry I missed you handsome! :)" He texted back "Wow!". I did not really know what to make of that. I texted him the next day, which was the 26th and asked his were we still on for Thanksgiving and never heard from him...I have not contacted him since.

MOA, I really love this man and this is the first experience with something like this that I have ever had. I am 32 years old and a single parent who was with one person for all of my childhood and the majority of my adulthood. I never pressured this man for anything, but he came on so strong and pursued a relationship with me, but from reading your blog and I can definitely see where I started to pursue him and it was right when he just flipped the script on me and became withdrawn. I wanted to get your take on this and get some advice on what to do now.

I apologize for the long post. If it helps, he is a Cap and so am I. He will be turning 36 on Dec. 27. :)

Thanks!; December 2, 2013 at 8:08 AM
Scorpio said...: Hi Mirror, I am the Scorpio in the post of Nov 19, 2013 at 11:38 am

So I completed 30 days no contact, actually I made it 35 days. He never contacted me By this time I am talking to 6-7 guys, my pain has gone but I am still not able to shot him out of my life. Finally I texted him last Sunday simply asking him "how are you". He replied immediately telling me he was flying to Arizona in 1 minute, and he reinforced that he would come back on Friday afternoon. We continued to text after he arrived Arizona, although we haven't touched the breakup, the past,our conversations were very friendly, and kind of sweet too. He sent me pictures of the hotel room he is staying for the week, we flirt a little bit as well. When I invited him to go dancing during Christmas, he said he love to. I could feel if I said I miss you first, he would follow. Of course I did not.

I did the mirroring behavior as you suggested, took as much time to reply as he did. We texted till late last night ( I am in Toronto and 2 hours ahead), I ended the conversation.

My question is, I don't want to be the one have to initiate contact from now on. Should I go back to no contact? We still have strong feelings for each other now, if I put him on no contact again, I am not sure how long it will take him to contact me and I may be gone with one of those guys I am talking to now,which, I don't want that to happen.; December 2, 2013 at 3:12 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 2, 8:07 AM.
"he told me that I had hurt him because he felt like I was not understanding of his situation...I guess he was right, but what bothered me was that I felt like I was the only one trying to get us back on track."

When someone asks or signals a need for space dear, you give it to them. If you don't, and you continue to push forward, all you'll do is push them to make a rash decision that you probably won't like :-(

He wasn't/isn't trying to get things back on track because he's not ready and he needs time to handle his personal business.

"I wanted to get your take on this and get some advice on what to do now."

Stay out of it. The situation is an absolute mess and I can't help but think he's contributing to this in some manner. A woman doesn't hang on for 13 years unless a man leads her to believe something is going to or will happen some day. He has probably slept with her from time to time (I'm sorry) and I imagine that is what's leading her to believe that there's still hope here.

Granted, she shouldn't be stalking him, she should be getting help for her emotional instability, however, he's obviously contributing to this in some manner, even if just using her during dry spells for sex. And it's probably that tiny string of hope that driving this woman to believe a future could possibly exist here.

He's tried to spare you from this drama, which is why he pulled back and went silent. He, himself, knows that this isn't over yet and that he needs to handle it somehow before moving forward into something else permanent. (Which is why you don't sleep with men too soon dear - you need to hang out with them for a good bit of time first to get to know them and to see who else, if anyone, is on the fringes of their life.)

If you stick around for this, you'll be involved in a love triangle. It will only bring you pain. Pull away for your own safety and sanity and let him handle his business on his own. Once he gets it straightened out, he knows where to find you. And if he really wants this, he'll straighten it out :-); December 2, 2013 at 4:58 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Scorpio,
"I invited him to go dancing during Christmas"

Don't pursue men dear, don't take the lead. If you do that, you have no way of telling if they're genuinely interested or not. Instead, you're offering yourself up and most men will take you up on those offers - whether they like you and are genuinely interested or not. The point is to see if they ARE genuinely interested by PROVING themselves so to you via initiating contact, asking YOU out, calling YOU, etc.

If you pick up the lead here, you're going to have no way of knowing if this man is genuinely interested or not - because you're not giving him the space to pursue YOU.

"Should I go back to no contact?"

Yep, if you want to know if this man is genuinely interested or not, the only way you're going to know that is to see if HE pursues YOU. And if he does not, then you have your answer :-(

"if I put him on no contact again, I am not sure how long it will take him to contact me"

He may never contact you dear, because he may or may not be genuinely interested. It's not a guarantee and if he doesn't contact you - that says something and you should listen.

"I may be gone with one of those guys I am talking to now,which, I don't want that to happen."

Why don't you want that to happen? You don't want to find happiness? You'd rather sit around waiting for a man that's half interested to pay an ounce of attention to you? When other men who are willing to make you a priority and willing to make you happy are right there - for the taking?

You can't force someone to like you, love you or want to be with you. And if they signal that they're not feeling the same way dear (via their ACTIONS, NOT their WORDS) - then you have to accept that. And you have to allow room for other men, good men that are genuinely interested, in your life and provide them with opportunities to make you happy.

Otherwise, you could be waiting an eternity on a man that may never step up to the plate and/or want that position in your life :-(; December 2, 2013 at 5:05 PM
Scorpio said...: Thanks Mirror. You are right, I am going to let him do all the work :) Actually after I posted my question to you, he started sending me texts saying good memories about our past. I think soon he will say I miss you. :); December 2, 2013 at 5:25 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I am anonymous from this morning around 8:30 (the one with the stalker baby mama).

I agree with everything you said, I felt as though he had to be doing something to make this woman be that crazy. He did admit to me that he slept with her a few times after he was divorced (he never married her, he married another woman) but that he had stopped sleeping with her long before he met me and stopped regular communication (unless it had something to do with his daughter) when he got serious with me. He told me that he loved me and that even if I allowed her to come in between us, eventually he would date someone else, but it would never be her...I did not really know how to take that.

It seemed like he got upset at me because I did not respond to his text last Sunday until the next morning, but that is crazy because lately he was doing a lot of the same thing....do you think that I should stick to the NC for 30 whole days? His birthday is on the 27th of December, should I use that as a "tap"? It would be at 31 days by then.

I am just really confused...I love him and he told me repeatedly that he loved me. We took me around his family, always talked about future plans and even told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I am so hurt and confused...I am just not sure what to do Mirror.; December 2, 2013 at 10:14 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror,

It is me again from yesterday (Q: stalker baby mama love triangle):

I have been in NC for about six days, last night Q texted me and said "Hope you are doing fine. Whenever you get time, you can get your things, just make sure I'm there, I move in two weeks".

I had so many things at his apartment, I remembered that his lease is about to expire and he showed me the new townhouses that he was going to move into. We never had a fight (even after the whole stalker incident) and he told me he loved me. I know he seemed upset because he felt like I ignored him that Sunday, but do you think that this is his way to try to completely end things since I have not contacted him for 6 days!!

Should I respond or stay in NC?! I am just so completely hurt and confused right now...it is almost as if he is upset with me as if I did something! Mirror, please help me...; December 3, 2013 at 5:44 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @the one with the stalker baby mama,
"do you think that I should stick to the NC for 30 whole days?"

I think you should remove yourself from his life period - not just 30 days. His situation is not a situation that you should willingly walk into. It's going to take him a year or more to sort out this situation with this ex of his and to be standing on his own two feet. You don't need to be around for that. Part ways, let him work out his situation, and if he wants you, he knows where to find you once he's done that.

"Should I respond or stay in NC?!"

I'd go get my things - and I'd move on dear. This situation is not a situation that you welcome into your life. It's a situation that you get as far away as you possibly can from.; December 3, 2013 at 8:22 AM
Scorpio said...: Mirror,

I just come to say a big thank you to you. I took your advice - back to no contact again. I ignored his text yesterday because he took 3 hours to reply me. Only after mere 3 hours, he started texting me. And this morning, he sent me long text to make me laugh, just like before we broke up everyday he did. I know what to do from now on, and I will keep reading your wonderful posts. Thank you Mirror.; December 3, 2013 at 10:27 AM
magooch09 said...: Part 1/2
So, I read this blog about 2 months ago. My relationship ended late august after being red hot for 3 months, we went ice cold in the last month, and crashed and burned. A month later (month spend going back and forth and messaging here and there, and pulling immature spiteful moves) we re-visited getting back together, had a huge talk, and he decided- he didn't want me, and I wasn't ready to be back with him. I guess you could say he threw it all away. I didn't even respond to his decision, and deleted him off everything. I employed the no contact rule for 30 days. He had attempted contacting me multiple times, and tried getting my attention (even sending me pictures of our "old spots" and whatnot) I did not acknowledge a single thing. He then misbehaved and did spiteful things to get my attention (like re-establishing contact with his ex who I greatly dislike, and did it publicly so i would find out) Again i did not react. My birthday came up, he called me twice, i finally picked up (didn't know what number it was), and upon hearing it was him, I told him to stop contacting me, he apologized and said I was a big part of his life and he just wanted to wish me a happy birthday. Said I didn't need his wishes and to leave me alone. I thought that would be it- nope- three weeks later he re-surfaces again trying to re-initiate contact, i send one polite response, do not ask him a question, and do not respond to his next message asking me a question. A week later, we reinitiate contact again, and this time I am engaging a little more (because I do miss him and I want him to come crawling back) He's constantly messaging me, and always the first to do so. I'm taking hours to respond- when I don't respond immediately he sends another message and question, I'm also the first to leave the convo, and then this process is repeated again and again throughout the past 2 weeks. FInally, on Saturday, he opens up. He asks me to dinner- I agree to a date after my final exam (next Monday the 9th) He says he misses me like crazy, that no girl can take my place, that his memories from this past summer are all with me- it was the best summer of his life and he never wants it to change, and he wishes he was with me right now in this moment. I say- so why havent you done anything about it? He says, I'm sorry (he says its multiple times), I'm just not good at this and have a hard time communicating the thoughts in my head and I heard you had moved on to better (I've been dating someone, this is true, nothing serious though) I don't respond to whether or not there is truth to this, and he messages me again- Did i fuck up? I say, ya you did. He asks do you still love me? I refuse to answer. He says where do you see us talking again going? I say I don't know, haven't thought about it. He says I still love you and have a hard time thinking of my future without you. The convo eventually fizzles, as I am not engaging and it was already midnight. We go back to small talk continueing into Sunday afternoon. He disappears, messages me the next morning (yesterday Monday Dec 2nd), about how the rest of my weekend went. We small chat again about school and work and whatnot, and I stop responding. This time convo feels more forced and like there is an elephant in the room.
-magooch09; December 3, 2013 at 1:21 PM
magooch09 said...: Part 2/2

What do I do? I've been waiting for him to come back and say all this to me forever- as it was kind of him who dumped me (and I was shocked and hurt) I would like to see where this goes- however, I can't accept his excuse of "i'm not good at this part, or good at communicating". I told him he needs to learn to communicate to go after what he wants- and he hasn't really made any more big moves since Saturday in discussing us or wanting to get backtogether-- what I'm wondering is- 1) What does this all mean/what is he trying to do? Did he realize he made a mistake and wants me back? 2) He's a very insecure person, and this was a lot for him to do (i know this) but I mean, we did discuss to have our date next week, is he thinking he's just going to wait til then to talk to me about "us" and where we can go and if theres a future? 3) How do i play this? I'm somewhat unavalable, i take 2- 3 hours to respond sometimes, and never immediately, i remind him how busy i am and focused on school, and I am sweet in my replies, but not overly engaging- but this small talk in between stuff is frustrating, and I'm impatient and want to know where this is going- not sure if I should wait to see what happens next week if we proceed with dinner, or wait and let him make the first move to initiate a relationship again- so do i just sit here waiting?

please help!!!!!!!!!!!
-magooch09; December 3, 2013 at 1:22 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @magooch09,
"I can't accept his excuse of "i'm not good at this part, or good at communicating"

I agree, it's a lame explanation for a lot of strange behavior - it's a "cop out," an easy excuse to toss at someone. He knows how to communicate, he just chooses when and where he feels like doing it is all. He's clearly able to communicate:

"He says he misses me like crazy, that no girl can take my place, that his memories from this past summer are all with me- it was the best summer of his life and he never wants it to change, and he wishes he was with me right now in this moment."

"he messages me again- Did i fuck up?"

"He says where do you see us talking again going?"

"He says I still love you and have a hard time thinking of my future without you."

That's an awful lot of communication right there - communication that he claims not to be good at. But it appears that when he NEEDS to be good at it or when it's CONVENIENT for him to be good at it - he's 100% capable of it. So don't buy that and don't make excuses for him either. He's capable, he just chooses when and where to be capable of it is all.

"What does this all mean/what is he trying to do? Did he realize he made a mistake and wants me back?"

It's too soon to tell dear. But I will say this. . .if he was really serious about this - you already agreed to a date? So. . .where is he and why isn't he following up on this date? Why isn't he TAKING ACTION to prove that his WORDS are true? If he wants to see you so bad and you mean so much to him, then why isn't he moving on this date, ya' know? Red flag dear - ACTIONS aren't aligning with WORDS here.

"He's a very insecure person, and this was a lot for him to do (i know this) but I mean, we did discuss to have our date next week, is he thinking he's just going to wait til then to talk to me about "us" and where we can go and if theres a future?"

I'm no so convinced that he's as insecure as he pretends to be dear. As you can see, he's capable of opening up and communicating - WHEN HE WANTS TO. He may wait until the date - but, and I don't want to burst your bubble here dear, but. . .don't be surprised if this date doesn't even materialize (and he ends up blaming that on YOU somehow, because you aren't chasing him down and begging to see him.)

"How do i play this?"

You don't. The ball is in HIS court. HE needs to make a move here, not you.

"this small talk in between stuff is frustrating, and I'm impatient and want to know where this is going"

You can't believe his WORDS dear. If you really want to know where this is going, that requires patience and observation on your part - of HIS ACTIONS (or lack thereof). You can't demand a quick fix here. You have to be patient and see if he's going to follow up his words with action.

"so do i just sit here waiting?"

Nope. You keep dating that other man and you keep moving forward. If he wants you, he knows where to find you. He's asked you for a date and you've said yes - he doesn't need anything else other than that to take a step forward here, man up and do what he SAYS he's going to do.

If he's genuinely interested, that's what he'll do. If he's just testing the waters (for sex) to see if he can EASILY slip back into your life on WORDS only - without the necessary ACTION required to PROVE he's genuinely interested - then you have you answer dear.

But either way, you keep moving forward. A few texts and some empty promises from a man don't mean anything when it boils down to it. As a result, you don't put your life on hold just because a guy from your past returns - full of lots of flowery words (from a guy who claims to be unable to communicate mind you) and glorious promises - that he may or may not actually follow through with.; December 3, 2013 at 6:07 PM
Anonymous said...: I've been seeing this guy for over one month.. I like him a lot but feel that he is emotionally unavailable. I would like to start the "no contact" rule. Every time I try.. he shows up at my work. I'm a bartender and he knows my schedule. When he shows up.. he's sweet. But then we go out again.. he's so quiet that I get confused. I start feeling like I'm bugging him when going out was his idea. So I figure he'll just remain a mystery to me and I'll move on. My question is.. when I've attempted no contact before.. even if he hasn't sent any txt or called..he shows up at my work.. do I still attempt no contact, or do I just tell him that I need to let this go? I do really like him. But this awkward distance he keeps putting off has me ready to let go before it hurts my heart. The whole thing has me so confused. Help! -Molly; December 5, 2013 at 2:55 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Molly,
I'd just make up an excuse when he shows up unannounced and asks you out dear, if you're not enjoying yourself when you're out with him and he's making you uncomfortable. You don't need to explain yourself, you simply need to state that you've already made prior obligations and you cannot join him for last minute ventures like that :-); December 5, 2013 at 8:24 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Molly,

I could be totally wrong here but my gut says that the guy is still in a relationship of sorts and he is not completely free, hence he can't move forward and acts quiet on dates (guilt) but can't let you go either - hence the turning up at your work place. I mean I could be wrong but I felt very strongly to message you.

He has to be completely available for you and the last minute things are a sign of his unavailability and lack of ability to commit. Then the ball is in his court to clean up his act if he wants you and tie-up his unfinished business i.e relationship, so like Mirror says don't comprimise yourself and make it easy for him (by accepting dates in this way) to carry on approaching you in this manner, otherwise he will carry on this way and you don't want to get involved with a man that is not free and totally available to you and then get hurt :); December 5, 2013 at 10:08 AM
Anonymous said...: @ Mirror and Anonymous.. Both have good advice! I think I doneed to just give some excuse. And to anonymous.. I've suspected the same. But have been out with him and his coworkers, friends, etc. I do think he may not be over his last break up. But, I can't hold out for someone who may never be there. He knows I can let this go. And just when he's been so distant.. Then he comes back around. He says he hates games.. But this guy is seems to be playing games himself. Just hate this part, but I can do it. Thanks again!-Molly; December 5, 2013 at 3:33 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Molly,

Me again, don't forget coworkers etc. can conceal facts, so don't presume because you're out with his friends that you know everything because I think men would stick together, unless of course one of his mates were to fancy you as well and I think then that's a time when a guy would drop his friend in it :)

Break ups can be messy and there can be twoing and froing, so in sense if a guy still has ties on some level emotionally or whatever in a sense they are still in a relationship even though technically they maybe single just about. I also would take anything he says with a pinch of salt as you don't know the truth and while he's not stepping up there is obviously something wrong as he's not moving forward in the way he should be.

I think it is always great if you can show a guy that you can walk away, then if he wants you he has to pursue you properly with effort, don't accept anything less of what you deserve and don't let him fool you with that he hates games as whether this is true or not he is messing you about in a sense. If you feel strong that you can let it go then I'd put him to the test and then you will find out if he really wants you and at the end of the day I think that we all should only be with someone who really wants us and is willing to pull out all the stops.

Good luck; December 6, 2013 at 12:46 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA quick question. When the guy finally decides take responsibility for his actions and suggest that we should talk, what exactly can I say without sound so eager that he wants to hash things out? And how long should I wait before he gets a response, an hour, a couple of hours or days? Sorry I'm new at this and you have some very great ideas on your site and I just don't want to let this opportunity to stick it to him slip up.; December 6, 2013 at 11:25 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 6, 11:25 PM,
"When the guy finally decides take responsibility for his actions and suggest that we should talk, what exactly can I say without sound so eager that he wants to hash things out?"

If you're ready and willing to hear him out, you simply agree to meet with him (in a public place, such as over dinner together) - and YOU hear HIM out. Let HIM do the talking, because he's the one who initiated the talk and has something to say. All you need to do is respond.

"And how long should I wait before he gets a response"

That depends on the situation. If he's treated you very poorly in the past, he can wait a few days, even a week or so. Don't be in a rush to speak with someone who's treated you really bad and don't make them a priority.

If it was a minor infraction, then he can wait a day or two for you to decide if you even WANT to see/speak with him and hear him out. Again, don't be in a rush to make someone who treated you like they're option, your priority.

If he's asked to talk, then you respond in the time frame you deem fit to your situation and you agree to a talk, in a public place, and over dinner - you signal that you'll only speak to him if he treats you right, and like a lady. And then YOU decide when and where that will happen. You give him only a day or two to choose from and one or two places you're willing to meet - and that's IT. You do not bend to his will and/or signal that you've got nothing going on and your entire week is open to him.

So if he asks to talk, you can respond with something along the lines of, "Okay, I'm willing to hear what you have to say. I'm free on Saturday at 7 and we can meet at (restaurant). I'm also free on Sunday at 2 to meet there or at (another restaurant), if you like."

And that's IT. You drop that ball right back into HIS court and you don't do/say another thing. It's HIS time to PROVE to YOU that he's serious about this - so you give him a couple of options only and then you test him to see if HE is WILLING to meet YOUR requirements.

If he's not, then he was a lazy man that was simply testing to see if he could get back in the door with very little effort, most likely for sexual options/reasons.

If he's genuinely interested and genuinely sorry and genuinely wants to work things out, HE will arrange HIS schedule to meet YOUR needs. And he will take the lead and follow through.

If he starts to him-haw around about how he's not available, can't do this or that, etc. - then you don't budge and you don't jump for him - you don't rearrange YOUR schedule around him. Instead, you simply respond and say, "Okay, no problem. That's too bad, it would've been nice to see you. Maybe some other time when you're free."

And then you walk away. And you let that sink in with him, that you are no longer willing to bend to his will and that if he truly wants this, he's got to be willing to compromise to make you happy here. If he does not resurface and signal that he's reconsidered - then you keep walking. You keep moving forward in life. You do not stop and/or sit and wait on a man.

If he wants you, he knows where to find you and he can always catch up to you if he so chooses.; December 7, 2013 at 9:07 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror,

I have done the one month no contact and reached out to him after. It started really great until he refused my suggestion to be friends, he siad it would be too painful for him to be my friend, he only wanted us back as couple otherwise he would not talk to me again. I happily accepted and that was the time everything turned. I said something caused him brought up all the old pains and I was silly enough to follow the whole discussion, our emotion went to the peak again and ended up in another fighting. We almost broke up the second time before we even get back together. Today I am back to square one.

He asked what do I want, I said I want to work this out, he said not with things like now. He still replied me but very very cold. Seems all my efforts become garbage now. I have already tried no contact, what else I can do now? 30 days no contact again? Will it work one more time? I am about to give up, it is just so much pain. Maybe the best thing to do after a breakup should have been never want an ex back, contacting an ex can easily send everyone back to devastating.; December 12, 2013 at 11:03 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 12, 11:03 PM,
Don't expect this to work dear. It's not a guarantee and it's not a given that this will bring a man back. Which is why it's real purpose - is to give YOU enough space to emotionally DETACH from the man. If you use no contact solely for the purpose of bringing a man back, you have a 50/50 chance - nothing is a guarantee.

And when using NC, the real benefit is for you, during the 30 days, to get out and live your life. Go out with friends, pick up a hobby, go shopping, reinvent yourself with a new hairdo or hair color, buy new clothes for yourself and restyle yourself, start exercising - whatever works for you. Just make sure YOU are doing something positive and construction (and not sitting and waiting for the phone to ring or the man to reappear).

At this point dear, I'd go back into NC and I would not contact this man afterwards. Let HIM come to YOU. If he wants you, he knows where to find you. And in the meantime, continue moving forward with your life. Start dating other men and attempt to move on as best you can :-); December 13, 2013 at 8:10 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror, thank you for the reply. I agree everything you said was so right. I tried to meet new men too, and there are 2 pursuing me. But I love my ex boyfriend, it is so difficult for me to open my heart to someone else. We are both extremely loyal people, we dated exclusively. During the time we were apart, I met new men, went on causal dates, but he did not even do that, I believe him, and he indeed is such a person - knowing this, only make me love him more.

I come to realize maybe we are not a good match, but just because we were so deeply in love and we still have strong feelings for each other, neither of us can let go easily, perhaps it is so called "co-dependance"? I did everything, exercising as usual, join a hobby group - but I have to admit I tend to be more quiet and enjoy staying at home, I do not like to be surrounding by people too much, maybe I should force myself to go out?

Mirror, I agree with you that I should no longer contact him, I just want to heal from this pain at any cost.; December 13, 2013 at 10:22 AM
Heidi said...: Well all be darned.

Just when I least expected to hear from my Aries Disappearing Male.... he calls, on a Friday night at 8pm. I haven't seen him since August, haven't heard from him since OCT. He left the voice message "Hi, Heidi. I am sorry I wasn't a good friend to you. I hope you are doing well."

I read the posts regarding DM returning around the holidays last week and thought "eh, not mine".

He texted the same message a few hours later & added " I never meant to be rude or hurt you.".

I won't be responding to this round, but just had to share. I never, ever thought that guy would return. Last I heard ( from his daughter) he was happily dating someone. Is it safe to assume that these messages are throwing the line out to see if I'm still interested?

Hope everyone is having a good weekend !; December 14, 2013 at 1:54 PM
Heidi said...: Ladies and Mirror,
My Aries DM just texted again. A shorter version from the other day : "sorry for disappearing. I hope you are well"

I would like to see him again but I am very hesitant to respond. It took me longer than I care to admit to get to this point and I am not up for backtracking. Why apologize now? I needed/wanted those words 3 months ago .

Remind me again how they *all* return around the holidays and this appearance is most likely a fishing expedition on his part....

Do I continue to ignore him? Wait for another attempt to contact me? Just today I responded to one of his children when they shared ( via text) a significant academic accomplishment and he didnt cross my mind at ALL until moments ago when his new text came through.

I'm beyond surprised to hear him actually use the word "sorry" much less repeat the message.

Thank you for your words and advice! :); December 16, 2013 at 9:45 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Heidi,
Based on where you're at right now emotionally, I'd be hesitant to risk losing that stability as well. And yes, these men go "fishing" during the holidays.

All I can say dear, is DO NOT do anything that YOU are not comfortable with. If this doesn't feel right, if it feels like too much of a risk, if it causes you worry or anxiety - don't act on it.

Take some time to see how you feel about this and don't make any rash moves. You can always consider responding to him after the holidays as well - or never, LOL. Whichever you're comfortable with.; December 17, 2013 at 8:49 AM
Heidi said...: Mirror,
Thank you for your response. You are right on. I am doing great, haven't been thinking about him and was not missing him. I don't want to hand over an ounce of power with responding to him.

Maybe he is calling to tell me he is engaged and his cleaning karma slate . Or maybe he wants to just "chat" and be pals. I'm not ready for either of those scenarios.

Thanks again. I appreciate your advice. As always, I am following it to a "T" :)
Have a happy Tuesday.; December 17, 2013 at 12:24 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA!

I was dating a guy for about a year and it seemed like a dead end relationship. We broke up and he came back a month and a hf later expressing his feelings to me that I’d never thought to see in a million years. I let him take me out and it was great. It was a wonderful night and brought me back to what I loved about him in the first place. Love was definitely in the air. However, soon he started going back to his old ways- not communicating, not including me in his life, making me feel last priority so I freaked out and sent him a really emotional text message about how I can’t do it anymore if this is how hell act again. NO RESPONSE what so ever. I feel like a fool and was so mad at myself for letting him in my life simply for him to pull this shit on me again. Anyways, next day I apologize for approach my frustration in the text message the way I had and all he says is “hey no problem”. I felt good for apologizing as it was out of character on my end but horrible with his response after I was being the bigger person. It truly felt like a slap to the face. So ok,
typing all this makes me realize how inconsiderate he is lol. It’s been about 2 weeks and he hasn’t reached out to me and I haven’t him, but say he does come back, should I use NC or just respond with my positive attitude to show him what he’s lost?; December 18, 2013 at 8:40 PM
Anonymous said...: ruba: If it cross 30 days without any communication from both sides, ( only he bump into my places sometimes), then i can conclude it as last, or is there still any probability that he will come back?
And he started the relation.; December 19, 2013 at 1:09 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 18, 8:40 PM,
Responding to him after he treats you poorly only signals that, no matter what he does and no matter how bad he treats you - you'll always be there. And giving him that kind of reassurance will only lead to him continuing to take you for granted.

This one gets no contact (AND no response) for at LEAST a minimum of 30 days AFTER his first attempt at contacting you. Only when he truly experiences an end with you (meaning, for the first time he's forced to really feel the loss even after several attempts at communication) will he begin to realize the part he played here.; December 19, 2013 at 8:21 AM
Anonymous said...: Part 1 of 2

Hey there, Mirror. Rickie here. :) Just wanted to start off by saying that you are AMAZING!!! :-D

I started writing about my particular situation, and ended up going back and deleting it, while laughing. lol The specifics are less important than the fact that I have taken control over the situation with the guy that I'm "seeing". (I put quotes on that b/c we haven't PHYSICALLY seen each other since Oct. 26th, b/c according to him he's been 'so stressed with work, the end of the semester (he takes college courses two nights a week), and the impending baby due any day now with his ex-gf that he has been arguing heavily with since he found out in April that she was pregnant after they broke up in March.)

I've been single since January, and he and I only just ventured into this in October after meeting in...wait for it....April. lol I've had a bad track record with relationships since my almost 20 year marriage broke up 5 years ago due to his cheating, so after breaking up with my bf in January, I had decided I was going to enjoy a period of being single. I'm 39, I have three kids who are 17, 12 & 10. This current PITA (pain the ass) is 30. :-/ Again, the details themselves are irrelevant, but I was more willing to venture into this "relationship" with him because HE was the one who initiated it, saying that he thought we'd be a great couple, we were compatible, he was very sexually attracted to me, blah blah blah. We had already been intimate ONCE back in August, and I considered it to be a fun thing that would possibly happen again. If it didn't, that was okay with me too.

So we decided in the beginning of October to define it as we're "seeing each other, but sexually exclusive." Okay, cool. I don't sleep around, so whatever...works for me. I'm not his girlfriend, so IF someone interesting comes along that I want to casually see, I'm going to. So here we are, it's been just about two months, and he's still too busy and stressed, with me still initiating contact even after discussing it with him (before reading this...lol) that it would be nice to occasionally hear from him first.; December 19, 2013 at 1:29 PM
Anonymous said...: Part 2 of 2 - I forgot to check where I cut and paste the first portion of my post....hopefully I didn't leave a section out, or repeat any. I'm at work. lol

I decided I wasn't going to text him first two weeks ago, and if I heard from him, fine...if I didn't, whatever. What am I really missing? Not too much. We didn't have contact for 6 days, Then I heard from him Friday through Tuesday. I kept it light and casual, not dismissive, but not overly eager. I waited to reply, and didn't do the immediate responses I usually do. I was the last one to text him back. Then nothing Wed & Thurs. Then he texted me last Friday, all excited about the grade he'd gotten on a paper he'd been struggling with. I waited three hours to reply, congratulated him, told him good job, sent him a thumbs up. Got an 'lol' back. Decided that wasn't worth a reply. Haven't heard from him since.

I went through my phone the other night while laying in bed and deleted our text threads so I couldn't go back and torment myself trying to decode what he meant when he said this, or try and convince myself that things were different when they really weren't. I deleted the pictures I had of him too. No need to dwell over that cute face of his. lol I had started backing off and shutting down emotionally towards him about a month ago in an attempt to protect myself, and then when I stumbled upon this site, it strengthened my resolve.

Not going to lie and say it doesn't sting, but if I really think about it, the situation hasn't really changed the WHOLE time we've known each other, and I was always okay with the communication as it was, b/c I wasn't expecting or wanting anything more from him. But he's the one who changed the game a BIT when he started talking about us actually being a COUPLE, and started talking about a future with me. I know that I want more from him now, and more from ANYONE I might get involved with......and the way to gauge their sincerity is exactly like you've said.

He said that after classes and exams were over, that his schedule would lighten up. Well, classes were over last week, and exams were over Tuesday. If he doesn't take this opportunity to step up, then I am disappearing for good. I hung around in my bad marriage WAY longer than I should have b/c I felt that I didn't deserve any better.....I've been in two relationships that were headed into possibly marriage in the last five years, and those ended abruptly. The first one, he broke off, and truly devastated me. The second one, I broke off b/c I wanted to be with someone and be loved SOOO badly, that I overlooked a lot of things that as a stronger woman, I would have considered deal breakers.

Been back in therapy, been reading online non-stop about relationship issues so that I don't fall back into old patterns, and I've made a decent amount of progress. I REFUSE to let this man-child break me. We are either going to move forward together and grow, or he can kiss my fanny as I'm walking away. (Not that he'll see it, b/c I never see him! LMAO)

Thank you sooooooooooooooo much for your wonderful advice, and the time you take to help us all. :); December 19, 2013 at 1:32 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 19, 1:29 PM,
"I had started backing off and shutting down emotionally towards him about a month ago in an attempt to protect myself"

VERY wise dear - very wise to listen to you gut. It's a built-in survival mechanism and it's one that's not to be ignored.

"He said that after classes and exams were over, that his schedule would lighten up. Well, classes were over last week, and exams were over Tuesday. If he doesn't take this opportunity to step up, then I am disappearing for good"

Exactly dear. And don't verbalize your displeasure with that as it will only lend him an opportunity to tell you what he thinks you want to hear, to string you along if he so chooses. So don't say a word about it, and just OBSERVE - his ACTIONS. And if he's not a man of his word, then you have your answer and there's no need to discuss it.

"I REFUSE to let this man-child break me. We are either going to move forward together and grow, or he can kiss my fanny as I'm walking away."

That's the attitude that will serve YOU best dear. YOU are what's important here - YOUR happiness. I do not buy into the theory that women were placed upon this earth to sacrifice their happiness for a man, so that he can be happy and fulfilled - while women are slowly being depleted to the point of exhaustion over the course of the relationship.

It's a two way street. And if his car is moving fast in one direction and you find yourself either running behind it to catch up. . .or beating feet in front of it attempting to avoid getting run over - forget it. It's not worth it.

It's much wiser to be single, happy and fulfilled - than it is to be coupled up, miserable and depleted.; December 19, 2013 at 3:45 PM
Anonymous said...: Rickie again.....:)

Thank you for reinforcing that I'm making wise decisions as far as this goes, and I thank you for this website in general! lol It's great to stop on by anytime I feel my resolve starting to wobble.

You're earning wonderful Karma for what you're doing here, helping us all out. Thank you again SO much, and I hope everyone finds some peace in their lives this holiday season. It's a jungle out there!! :); December 19, 2013 at 4:44 PM
Heidi said...: Curiosity won. I replied to my vanishing Aries Wednesday, by text, short and sweet .

Me: "hey! What a crazy time of year! I've been way too busy! How are you?"

Him: Silence. NO RESPONSE.

Laughing at this and shaking my head. Several texts from him out of the blue, a brief voice message apology for "not being a good friend" and couple Facebook "likes" in 5 days.... I responded and was greeted with ( no shocker) silence. Silly, silly man.

Granted, I didn't expect anything from him and I'm glad I waited 5 days to respond. Ok... maybe I expected him to respond and just say Merry Christmas or something basic, but I am so very glad I didnt initiate anything with him and let him seek me out.

Thank you for this site, Mirror ( and everyone else posting!) . Who knows what damage I'd have done to my ego if I hadn't stumbled on this blog back in July.

THANK YOU!
CHEERS!!!!; December 20, 2013 at 8:30 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi there MOA!

Anonymous @8:40pm again! Thanks for the advice. It was definitely something I needed to hear, it was always something I feel like I needed to do but so heartbreaking to do when you really saw yourself with somebody, torturing yourself with false hope is always the worst thing to let go of. I guess this will truly be the test to see if he really cares or likes me enough to reach out to me even though I will no longer be there for him. He has really put me through too much pain and I'm so emotionally and mentally drained from always chasing and waiting for him to come around- not to mention being overly accommodating. I seriously can't do another year of empty hope with this guy and am saddened to have to finally realize no matter how hard I try, things will not work out and he will still won't ever grow up to be up front with me and stop stringing me along simply because he's scared of change. I want to sincerely thank you and all the ladies on here for helping each other through this website and remaining strong. Whenever I'm having one of those nights reminiscing and thinking of him and the memories he and I created, I just come on this site to remind myself that aside from the emotions running through my body, logically, I let an emotionally unstable insecure man break me down and that I must remain strong for myself.

Thanks MOA for being here for all of us!; December 20, 2013 at 9:03 PM
Peaches said...: Dear MoA
I came across your helpful site at the beginning of the year and it has enriched me greatly - thank you for that and for sharing your experiences and insights.

I met a guy at the beginning of the year and we have been seeing each other long distance since. Thing is, when I initially met him and talked to him during our lunch sessions I approached him with the offer of friendship before we parted ways but he wanted more than this so I decided to give him a shot. At the beginning, he was very kind, considerate and awfully into me. Things started to change when the topic of sex came into play. You see, I am a late 20 something year old virgin (he is 13 years my senior) and I have always wanted to remain so until I am married. I have told him this many times. He maintains he is a man, needs sex and desires to have an intimate bond with his partner. I on the other hand, feel things like respect, emotional connection, trust and love are important ingredients in a relationship before something like sex is even considered. We value sex differently you see.

I have him on NC now because he doesn’t respect me, he only focuses on his needs, doesn’t work at the relationship or our problems nor does he woe me or make me feel special. I think he is only with me to see if I will give in to his pressure to have sex with him.
I am at that point in NC where I am feeling very guilty that I have been ignoring all his calls, texts and emails which are asking me why I am ignoring him, is it my way of telling him to f%$# off? I am feeling guilty because I am not the sort of person to ignore people. I’d rather solve the issue I have with the person. In one of your posts, you recommend having them on NC for 30 days until he comes forth with an apology and/or with an offer of “can we talk”. My first question is, what if he doesn’t reach that point in his 30 day NC thought process where he looks at himself and asks himself is it perhaps something he did/said that is the cause of my having disappeared? How does one approach that situation? My second question is, in your opinion, is it true that guys need to have a physical connection before they have an emotional connection with someone? I don’t date much hey but that line sounds like bull s*%^t to me.; December 21, 2013 at 2:05 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Peaches,
"We value sex differently you see."

Yes, and that's a problem dear. Because you want a man that's a "match" for you, and it appears that he may not be :-(

"I think he is only with me to see if I will give in to his pressure to have sex with him."

Exactly. Be careful. He may view your virginity as a "challenge" of sorts. He may want a virgin as a notch on his bedpost. . .so be VERY careful here dear. If he doesn't earn that from you, he doesn't get that from you.

"I am at that point in NC where I am feeling very guilty that I have been ignoring all his calls, texts and emails which are asking me why I am ignoring him, is it my way of telling him to f%$# off?"

Do NOT feel guilty about ignoring a man that's treating YOU poorly dear. You've stated that he's making you feel bad about yourself, he's making you question yourself, he's disrespecting you, he's not treating you special. . .why on earth feel guilty for not responding to a man that's treating you like that, ya' know? You get what you give in this world dear. . .and if all he gives is negativity, then naturally, that's what he should expect to receive back.

"I’d rather solve the issue I have with the person"

That's a fruitless effort dear. You're NOT going to resolve this. Nothing YOU do is going to suddenly and miraculously make him value sex differently, or make him respect you, or make him treat you special. HE has to WANT to do those things, and it appears that he doesn't and isn't willing to. So why bother to attempt to change a man that isn't going to change? Why bother to resolve something that isn't going to be resolved?

It's much better and much wiser to simply accept the reality here. And that reality is that this man is simply NOT your match.

"what if he doesn’t reach that point in his 30 day NC thought process where he looks at himself and asks himself is it perhaps something he did/said that is the cause of my having disappeared?"

Then you have your answer dear. . .he's not genuinely interested then :-( That's one of the major points of NC. . .seeing if the man will step forward to prove whether or not he's genuinely interested. And if he doesn't, then it's worked and you have your answer. . .even though it may not be the one you had hoped for. At that point, you simply have to accept the reality that he's not interested :-(

"How does one approach that situation?"

At the point that he's NOT come forward after 30 days of NC with an apology or an invitation to "talk," then you DON'T approach the situation. You have your answer, he's not genuinely interested, and at that point, you remove yourself from the situation and you move forward with your life. You don't wait around and expend countless amounts of energy, attempting to pound a square peg into a round hole. You accept the reality that the square peg is NEVER going to fit into the round hole, he's never going to be a match, he's not going to change. . .and you're free to move on.

Cont. . .; December 22, 2013 at 11:10 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "is it true that guys need to have a physical connection before they have an emotional connection with someone?"

No, that is a bunch of BS. A man is a human being too, and in order to have feelings for someone, they must connect emotionally first, and then express those feelings physically after that (sex). That's one of the purposes of sex dear. Naturally, it's first purpose is for that of procreation, but it's next purpose is to SHOW someone physically how they FEEL about them. If the man doesn't have feelings for you BEFORE sex, then how is he going to show you how he feels about you during sex? At that point, it's simply having sex for the purpose of enjoyment and that's a very shallow, very selfish expression and the wrong view of sex.

"I don’t date much hey but that line sounds like bull s*%^t to me. "

That's exactly what it is dear, a bunch of BS. First comes the emotional connection (feelings), then comes the physical expression of those feelings (sex).

If it's done the other way around and sex comes first, the sex will not be enjoyable because there will be no expression of feelings during it.; December 22, 2013 at 11:10 AM
Peaches said...: Dear MoA

You're awfully kind with your time and wisdom. Thank you for that and the advice above. I sincerely appreciate it. Take care :-); December 22, 2013 at 3:00 PM
VirgoPal said...: @Peaches-

As a late 20s virgin myself,let me inform you that you are wasting your time with that guy. Some guys like the challenge of being a woman's first, and it's almost a game or conquest for them and nothing more. I would never have contact with this man again...EVER!! He obviously doesn't care about your needs and comfort level to help you feel secure with your choice and sexuality.; December 22, 2013 at 8:42 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
I think this comment may have caught the attention of some here, so let me expand upon that for a moment:

" First comes the emotional connection (feelings), then comes the physical expression of those feelings (sex)."

I'll use an example of a scenario, and it's one that I'm sure you're all familiar with - the man who's a best friend to a woman. . .secretly loves her.

It's a scenario that you see play out in the movies and in real life. And why do you think that this scenario often takes place? The scenario where a man makes a huge leap emotionally with one particular women (from friendship to love, without sex) that he's never had any physical contact with.

It happens because - the man has gotten to know the woman as an individual, as a human being, inside and out. And that has created an intense attraction to her. He doesn't need to touch her to feel anything for her. He "feels" her on a much deeper, more important level. And because of that, he's intensely attracted to her. Combine that intense attraction on an emotional level with the concept of "people want what they can't have" and BOOM. . .you have a perfect storm ;-)

You've all probably seen this happen in real life in addition to the movies and the reason that scenario is such an incredibly popular one for romance movies is because. . . it happens - A LOT.

It's proof that physical contact is NOT what creates intense attraction. Intense attraction happens on an emotional level, not a physical one. And any attraction that happens on a physical level, prior to an emotional level. . . is simply sexual attraction. And sexual attraction is NOT what leads to long lasting committed relationships. What leads to long lasting committed relationships and lengthy marriages. . .are people marrying and coupling up with a partner that they often refer to as their "best friend."

When you hear couples that have been married 40 and 50 years divulge what they think is the "glue" that's bound them over the years. . . .the phrase "he/she is my best friend" is often at the top of the list.

Men who seek attraction via physical means are confusing sexual attraction with emotional attraction. Those are two different things and each lead to a different outcome. You can have an intense sexual attraction with someone, but if you do not have an intense emotional attraction with them. . .it's only going to end up a very. . .what some would call a "passionate" attraction (that they often confuse with love). . .that is most likely going to result in a very tumultuous relationship, full of ups and downs, passionate times combined with bad arguments (that they'll use as an erroneous indication of how much they "love" one another) and a generally unstable relationship environment (that they'll hang onto for dear life, further confusing passion with love).

Passion is not love folks. Passion is sexual heat, lust and sexual attraction, and sexual attraction and lust are not love - it is simply sexual attraction and lustful behavior. What constitutes love for another human being happens on the inside (emotional attraction) and is then expressed physically on the outside (sex, making love).

Cont. . .; December 23, 2013 at 11:21 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: People who confuse passion with love are often referred to as "love junkies" that constantly chase the "high" associated with it. Studies have shown that passion ignites the very same areas of the brain that drug use does. It releases reward-related dopamines in the brain, the same ones people experience during drug highs and yes - it becomes addictive. And once it becomes addictive, the person is then caught in the loop of addiction. Confusing the dopamine high granted from passionate affairs with something enjoyable that they assume must be love. . . when the reality is that - it's simply another form of addiction, resulting in "love junkies" and serial daters that are constantly seeking someone who "turns them on." And just like addiction, this "high" needs fed constantly (serial dating, non-committal behavior, promiscuous sexuality, emotional unavailability). If it's not, it can lead to deep depression and disappointment and a feeling of failure and self-loathing. All of the feelings that many drug addicts will often tell you they're attempting to relieve with drug use.

That is not love ladies - that's addiction.; December 23, 2013 at 11:21 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Moa, its Jordan here. I think I last posted something back in Oct but I couldn't find my last post. Anyway I wanted to give you in update. My ex contacted me after 4 of no contact, we dated 2yrs and he broke up with me saying he didnt want to be in a relationship anymore. Ok so after 4months of no contact he texts me and says he misses me and wants to see me. I didnt want to have anything to do with him because he broke my heart so badly. Ok so he persued me for 2months saying that he loves and misses me, so we agreed to take things slowly to see how things would go because I was too scared to get my heart broken again. Anyway we go out together, talk on the phone, and he says a lot of stuff about how he loves me and we were having fun, he was treating me really nice and I was feeling better about him again. Ok so here's what happened, we made love and things were going great, however after about 3 days later he says that he changed his mind and feel we should just be friends because he doesnt want to be in a serious relationship because he wants to be able to date other people. I was FLOORED!!! I couldn't believe I was so blindsided!!! I feel like he played me just to have sex with me and once he got it he was done with me!! Maybe he was just looking for closure and I gave it to him and that was all he needed. I feel like such a Fool!! I have been crying for the last 2weeks because my heart is broken all over again. How did this happen? Why would he do this to me? What kind of a man does this? Why didnt he just be upfront and tell me he only was looking for sex only. Anyway he told me this on the phone and I hung up and we have not spoken since. I received a text from him last week about my college team winning the football game...saying "Looks like your team won" That was all the text said. Who's does that? Does he not know what he did? Why would the man have the nerve to text me at all? Of course I didnt respond but I am so heart broken and feel like I was duped by the man I love for 2yrs. Anyway any suggestions would be wonderful. Right now its 2days from christmas and I am a mess, so depressed because I feel like it was my fault because I didnt see this coming, I was free from him for 4months and now I am back to the beginning of the pain of when we first broke up, how can I move forward trusting any man again? Jordan; December 23, 2013 at 5:20 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi there mirror,

The 30 day rule has helped me pull myself together after a harsh split up but truthfully doesn't take me that long to do. What do you suggest for someone like me when/if the guy comes back and you have already decided that you put yourself first and have decided to let them go? Being I don't have anything to lose anymore in the relationship, would you say it's alright to respond, in a civil way to avoid any tension in the future? I've always been one to keep a optimistic mindset and I think as long as nothing is at stake and I am truly emotionally stable, it's okay to let them know what went wrong in the relationship (if they ask) without wanting/expecting anything in return but to simply finally close the book and begin a new start. What are your thoughts? Would you say NC still would be necessary?; December 24, 2013 at 8:45 AM
JD said...: @peaches

DO NOT GIVE YOUR VIRGINITY TO THAT MAN!

Please!! I was celibate for 6 yrs and gave it up to a man I thought I knew...but he is not the man I thought I knew. It almost broke my spirit...I was a virgin until I was almost 23 and I married that man. Although it did not work out, it did feel GOOD I was having sex with a man who was pursuing me to marry me (or at least have a ery serious relationship with). This man is wishy-washy...he will tell you what you want to hear to slowly break you down so you will give in. Do not do it. If it is your desire to wait until you're married, then WAIT. There IS a man out there that will WAIT. Don't be afraid to lose him. YOU are the prize. OMG girl, don't do it!; December 24, 2013 at 9:28 PM
Anonymous said...: This is the type of bs that makes dating hard. Not all guys want challenges and games we want womwn ro be upfront. We're simple creatures and the quickest way we lose respect is when we detect a woman playing games. Look at forums when men have the same issues. The main advice men give each other is to walk away. A man who likes challenges are players and if you like players, keep playing hard to get. Im sure the reason why the guy stops talking is because he's either seeing other women or he realized you were about games. As a man he's used to rejection so chasing in the midst of that men know its futile. Women dont get rejected enough and that's why you can't handle being rejected. Just move on and put thia energy in a good man instead. Games dont work...; December 25, 2013 at 12:52 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Jordan,
"how can I move forward trusting any man again?"

In time that will come dear. It helps to IGNORE a man's WORDS and focus solely on his ACTIONS. Forget all the lovey dovey talk, and focus on what the man DOES to follow through with that. If he says one thing and then does another, that's a big red flag. And even if he's saying nice things, you cannot give in. You have to observe his actions and force him to keep working to PROVE himself to you.

When a disappearing man resurfaces with lots of sweet talk, but does NOT apologize for his actions - he gets NO RESPONSE dear. Disappearing men only get a response from you when they apologize and/or invite a "talk" to explain themselves and then apologize for their part in it. No apology, no response. Because if the man doesn't apologize, it signals that he feels he did nothing wrong and doesn't owe you an apology. And if you take the man back based solely on his sweet talk without him issuing and apology and you holding back and observing his actions before giving in, forcing him to prove that he's genuinely interested, you end up with a repeat of the same exact situation dear :-(

At this point, if he resurfaces again, he gets no response from you until he issues and apology. And even then, he gets no sex from you until he PROVES himself genuinely interested by treating you like a lady and being consistent in his behavior over an extended period of time (i.e. calling regularly, asking you on dates regularly, real dates, not "hanging out" dates, keeping the momentum moving and doing the work of initiating contact regularly, etc.)

Don't sweat this one dear. Now you know that this man isn't worth your time and energy. In time, you'll begin to feel better. Do not dwell on what's happened here, force your mind to think of good things and of the future. Do not permit yourself to dwell in the past. Try to look at it as a lesson learned and a positive thing, because now your questions about him have all been answered. Now you know, this man isn't worth it. So the next time he returns, you can feel free to ignore him and move on with your life and begin dating other men who appreciate you and treat you right :-); December 26, 2013 at 11:47 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 24, 8:45 AM,
"Being I don't have anything to lose anymore in the relationship, would you say it's alright to respond, in a civil way to avoid any tension in the future?"

Well. . .for what purpose? What's the point, ya' know? Why respond to a man that you're not interested in and encourage him to continue trying, when you don't want him any longer anyway? It's kind of like inviting trouble into your life honestly because the man will surely bring negativity in some manner with him most likely - or plenty of drama to say the least, LOL ;-)

"it's okay to let them know what went wrong in the relationship (if they ask) without wanting/expecting anything in return"

With emotionally mature men, yea, you can take that approach. But with emotionally immature men like disappearing men that are rude and ignorant. . .it only ends up leading to negative situations like arguments, or them telling you what they think about you, or them attacking you because you no longer want them, or them acting childish and attempting to manipulate you into feeling guilty. . .all sorts of negative situations dear.

Mature men can handle rejection maturely - immature men do not handle it well at all and many times, launch a personal attack and act childish. So be very careful about walking into a situation where that could potentially be the end result :-(; December 26, 2013 at 12:04 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror of Aphrodite,

I went on a tour to Europe recently. I liked our tour guide. I caught him giving me a glance one day. Then another day he caught me starring at him. After that he started avoiding me. I would walk in to the breakfast room, he would walk out. One time we were at a museum and he was with a small group, as I approached the group he left. Okay, I get it he is not interested, (right)? Then I avoid as much contact for the rest of the trip. Another day he approaches me (in the bus) while I am alone, waiting for the rest of the group. Are you feeling better? I nod with a smile (not making any conversation). The day before we left, he said "I am glad you have my number" (he had given it to us at the beginning of our trip in case we got lost). I did get lost towards the end of the trip, and called him to get directions. So, when he said that I replied "I am glad I have it too." He laughed a little (He knew I was referring to this occasion). I guess he wants me to call him. Why couldn't he ask for my number, and call me. It seems that he would approach me, only when there is no one around? Was he embarrassed to have others see him talking to me? (I found out a girl in the group was making fun at a comment I made about something while us girls were out one night. He found out. He has that type of personality where he would ask everyone what they did the previous night, if they wanted recommendations, etc.). Why does he avoid me and then try to make conversation again? Was he trying to manipulate me into feeling guilty, if I didn't call, my loss, etc.? I can't get this man out of my head. Why?; December 26, 2013 at 8:23 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you Moa for your advice, as always I appreciate it. I am feeling down now, but like you said I will take this as a lesson learned and will try not to dwell on it so much and move forward. May God bless you in the New Year!! @Jordan.; December 27, 2013 at 3:26 PM
Anonymous said...: 3 weeks ago I initiated contact with a man I dated for a year due to not getting a response after sending an emotional text. on Friday night he texted me starting off with something clever to try and make me laugh (he always does this when he knows there is tension between us). He sent me some more texts, even 2 funny cute pictures he knew I would like. He ends his flood of texts with “trying to say hi. So hi.” I never replied so the next morning he texts me again and says I haven’t replied and asked if I blocked his number and I didn’t respond at all.

Do you think he’ll attempt to contact me again? Or if he’ll just forget it since he might think I blocked him? Should I wait for another attempt or text him after a certain amount of time? I do miss him. If so, how long?; December 29, 2013 at 7:05 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear MoA, I already got useful advice from you about my man, you are wise and have great insights into matters that most women cannot judge objectively bc they are involved emotionally and are in love. I have a long distance relationship with a man who disappears a lot and takes sometimes a day to respond to me. I know he is a kind of a loner, he enjoys being alone a lot. He broke up with me a few weeks ago and told me not to contact him any more. Yet I texted him for Christmas just to wish Marry Christmas. Maybe I shouldnt have. Anyway, he responded a day later wishing me the same. I was really suffering bc I do love him but I started to accept the fact it is over...Yesterday, however, he texted me the following: "I may be withdrawn and mean sometimes but I love you. I am just going through some problems in my head". What shall I do? Shall I respond or just wait maybe he messages me again? Shall I ask what this problem is? Or shall I just leave him be?; December 31, 2013 at 5:46 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 31, 5:46 AM,
"What shall I do? Shall I respond or just wait maybe he messages me again? Shall I ask what this problem is? Or shall I just leave him be?"

HEAR what he is truly saying to you and then give him what he needs. What he's saying to you there is that he needs time and space. If you push and if you force him to talk before he's ready, he's only going to distance himself more. Give him the time and space he needs. Don't do anything and continue with your life. Let him work out his issues on his own as he's asking.

When he's ready - he knows exactly where to find you. And chances are, your continued silence will eventually create enough curiosity to force him out of his shell to seek you out :-); December 31, 2013 at 9:41 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 29, 7:05 PM,
"Do you think he’ll attempt to contact me again? Or if he’ll just forget it since he might think I blocked him? Should I wait for another attempt or text him after a certain amount of time? I do miss him. If so, how long?"

Well, that depends. Have you read the article? Are you employing the use of no contact? If so, it's 30 days of no contact and no response. And I suggest that women do not respond to disappearing men until they receive an apology and/or an invitation to "talk" about what happened.; December 31, 2013 at 9:58 AM
Anonymous said...: I have been seeing a man since mid November. When we started getting to know each other, we were living in two different cities and he knew I was planning a move to his community (not because of him but for work and family reasons). We have had sex and there is a lot of chemistry between us. I have noticed however that he doesn't call me very often; he mainly texts me every couple of days with occasional "good night" and "good morning texts". He did not ask me to make plans with him on New Years Eve which I felt disappointed about and I expressed this to him. He instead made plans with a family member that was visiting, stated he'd been trying to utilize his vacation time most efficiently, and ended up fixing his truck that needed repairs. He didn't seem to value making plans with me during of his time off. The day before New Years Eve, he contacted me and I initiated us getting together. We enjoyed ourselves and agreed to talk soon. He texted me New Years day wishing me a "Happy New Year". I responded as such and asked him a question. He ignored my text and has on occasion ignored other questions I've sent in response to his initiating conversations. I recognize the above indicators in that he's not making me a priority and that I've potentially been a pursuer rather than allowing him to completely pursue me. That being said, I feel frustrated that he's ignoring me and not providing me with the attention I feel I deserve. I don't perceive myself as "needy" and tend to be quite comfortable spending time alone and living my life, with or without a man in it. However his behavior is frustrating and I'm feeling confused as to whether I should verbally tell him that he's behaving in a way that is unacceptable and break it off, or should I apply the "no contact rule" should he attempt to make further contact with me? I do like him and feel he is someone that is worth getting to know although don't want to allow myself to be disrespected. Thank you for any suggestions you can provide.; January 1, 2014 at 6:34 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror,

I want to thank you for enlightening me to what I was doing wrong as a nice girl. None of my friends and family members could figure out why I've been single so long and why I can't make it past that one month mark with a guy. Men would seem crazy about me and then around the three week mark pull a disappearing act.

I found your site when I was looking for advice/answers with my most recent guy. I thought a lot of your advice, both in your articles and your comments, made a lot of sense. You recommended the book, "Why Men Love Bitches" so I downloaded it last night and read it in one evening. It was seriously an epiphany for me!

I realized that there were some things I was doing right. Waiting to have sex and not sleeping with a guy just because I fear losing him. Playful banter and a sense of humor. Always letting the guy initiate communication. Never paying on dates. Being prepared to walk if I wasn't being treated right. Having my own interests and passions. Being independent. Letting him be the man and showing my appreciation.

However, there are other "nice girl" behaviors that I now understand were working against me. Cooking for him too soon. Leaving my Saturdays open or accepting dates last minute. Sharing my feelings for him too soon. Making it too clear he "had me 100%."

I really feel like I finally understand the male mind. And I now feel like I have some power to achieve the man I want and the respect I deserve.

Fingers crossed that I can salvage what I had going with this most recent guy. I'm employing no contact since he's in the midst of a disappearing act, and I'm staying busy and living my awesome life. But even if this guy doesn't work out... there's many more out there for me to pick and choose. ;)

Thanks again for opening my eyes. This nice girl is a proud and reformed bitch :)

Miss L Bitch ;); January 2, 2014 at 10:09 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi, well I don't know if I should go NC or not.
He is my ex who I dated 6,7 years ago when we were just "kids", we were dating for 5,6 months and it was serious. One day I woke up and I just dissapeared on him in a very rude way, with out any notice.
I the next 2 years once in a while he tried to contact me, I never replied.
2 months ago I've sent him facebook request, and he made a contact! We went on a date and I made a first move and kissed him. After 3,4 dates while we were exchanging texts constantly every day I started a talk about sex, indirectly it was fun, nothing explicit. I just texted him like a joke:" You will use me :P"
He got confused, I switched the subject. Later that day he asked me if I'd mind if we start seeing each other without any commitments. I said:" Yes, I'd mind so it's better leave it this way and just part ways, because I like him" He said:"We will see, I don't know" I just went offline
Next day he asked me out, I was thinking about the whole situation and I decided that this so called FWB situation would fit me anyway. We had sex. After sex we went on a 5 hour date. Few weeks after we did it couple a times the same thing happened all the time, talk and talk and talk about everything. This guy tells me everything about him, about his problems and so on. I'm a bit reserved and distant, mostly I just listen to him. Situation was like this for a couple of weeks, he initiated contact every day, he always told me what he is doing, where he is going. I never asked him anything about it. He started confusing me, he acted like my BF, I've started to felt like this.
The problem is this, since we had more sex he didn't initiate contact everyday, maybe every 3 days. I got more distant, I thought he lost his interest, so I've backed off and got a little bit colder in order to not to get hurt.
Lately I'm the one inititating contact (last 4 times), he always responds to me.
I asked him out during holidays so that we have fun, he said he is busy and that he doesn't have time to meet. He has some crazy rush at his 2 jobs. I said fine. Last time we chatted on facebook when I just asked him how he is, chatted shortly, I said I need to go offline. He said he wants to go to coffe with me when things get back to normal. I said "Great. TTYL, kiss."
I've sent this guy some romantic text on NYE, he responded in the same way.
He is confusing me, he said he doesn't want a relantionship before we started to have sex (which I never asked or clamied to have one) then he said we will drink coffe with me soon, instead of having some action, then he texts me back something romantic and calls me "love". I don't know if he is being nice or what, or he wants something more with me.
I closed my facebook account because I don't want to be avaliable to him, I need some time to think. I'm planning on ignoring him to see what he wants and go NC.
The thing why he is confusing me is because he says he doesn't have time to see me, while I know he could find 1 hour to see me if he wants to and misses me or whatever. Eventhought he lives out of town and he doesn't have a car, but he still could meet me if he wants to, right?!
None of us doesn't have place on their own, so while we were having sex we had to be creative. I don't know what to do. I've thought of going NC or wait for a week or two, he has my number, he can contact me without facebook if he wants to.; January 3, 2014 at 1:42 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 1, 6:34 PM,
"his behavior is frustrating and I'm feeling confused as to whether I should verbally tell him that he's behaving in a way that is unacceptable and break it off, or should I apply the "no contact rule" should he attempt to make further contact with me? I do like him and feel he is someone that is worth getting to know although don't want to allow myself to be disrespected."

You mirror his behavior dear and/or use no contact. If he doesn't respond to you, then you don't contact him and the next time he contacts you, you mirror that and you don't respond to him. You signal that you're going to treat him as he's treated you through your ACTIONS, not your WORDS. If you use words, he'll feel pressured and most likely distance himself. The best way to keep things balanced without confrontation is to treat them like they're treating you. Then, if they ask why that's happening, you respond with something like, "Oh I didn't realize it was a problem because you've done that yourself and it didn't seem like a big deal, so I thought it wouldn't be an issue, I was just busy is all." And you throw it right back at him AFTER HE BRINGS it up, you don't initiate the conversation and confront him. You signal your displeasure with his treatment by treating him the same way.; January 5, 2014 at 3:49 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 3, 1:42 PM,
"I don't know if he is being nice or what, or he wants something more with me."

If he wants something more dear, he'll make that clear. If he's not making that clear, then you can assume it's "casual."

"The thing why he is confusing me is because he says he doesn't have time to see me, while I know he could find 1 hour to see me if he wants to and misses me or whatever. Eventhought he lives out of town and he doesn't have a car, but he still could meet me if he wants to, right?!"

Exactly. But that shouldn't make things more confusing dear, it should actually make things very clear :-(

I'd suggest that given the history here and your disappearance on him in the past, he needs time and space to sort out what he's thinking and feeling and to see if he wants to risk the possibility of getting hurt again. Be understanding with him about that and give him the time and space, but at the same time, keep living your life dear. Keep casually dating other men (no sex) and moving forward. If he wants you, he knows where to find you :-); January 5, 2014 at 4:12 PM
Unknown said...: Hello
I was in a 2 years relationship with that guy, actually engaged and we were to get married in October this year. But last year around September all went wrong, we kept arguing and he was finding faults at every opportunity. He broke up with me, we kept arguing even after the breakup. He then found out he had 2 aneurysms in his brain, he contacted me to let me know. I felt sad & sorry so I was there for him and supported him. We were even having sex during that time. He is quite arrogant with me, make as if he doesn’t need me. I found out 2 days before his surgery that he’s been seeing someone, My instinct was telling there’s something wrong so I checked his phone, and saw on the messages between them. I was so upset, devastated that I’ve been a fool praying & supporting him. I texted him and told him how he played me etc and wished him luck with her & his surgery. He was upset saying he’s appalled by my lack of trust, & disrespect. Also I’ve issues, he’s not well and I spied on his phone, that I’ve just confirmed he made the right decision to break up with me. I didn’t reply, I left it on that, I didn’t see the point of getting into an argument. Since then I haven’t contacted him, even the night before his surgery and I’ve decided not to do it even after the surgery. Can the NCR still works after all this drama & him seeing someone else? A reply will be greatly appreciated. Thanks. Elaine; January 7, 2014 at 8:32 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Elaine,
It's not the situation that determines the success of no contact dear, it's the interest level of the man (which is why it's such a successful way for determining how interested the man is in you).

Genuinely interested men usually resurface, while those that are only half-interested generally make one or two lame attempts and then disappear and those that aren't interested, don't reappear at all.; January 8, 2014 at 9:34 AM
Anonymous lady said...: Hello I have known a guy through mutual friends. Well we started talking and were talking until he stopped replying to my text. Well its been a week and I am wondering should I contact him. The thing is idk what happened. I dont know if he lost interest. Yes we have had sex and he contacted afterwards. He was the one that pursued me. I like him but dont wanna look like a fool. When he didnt answer one of my text I probably shouldn't have but I texted I didn't have time for games. But like I said I actually like the guy. What do I do?; January 15, 2014 at 12:55 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous lady,
"he stopped replying to my text."

HE should've been texting YOU dear. The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested or not, is to see if HE pursues HER.

"Well its been a week and I am wondering should I contact him."

Did you read the article dear? It's about no contact - so no, I'm not going to tell you to contact him, LOL ;-) The definition of insanity dear, is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results. If he's not responding now, why would another text render a different response, ya' know?

When men, or anyone for that matter, ignore you - you DO NOT try harder. Instead, you accept the reality of what their silence truly says and you move on as best you can. Besides, nine times out of ten, when you do that - they return anyway a month or so later anyhow ;-)

"The thing is idk what happened. I dont know if he lost interest."

It doesn't matter what happened dear. The only thing that matters is that he's disappeared without explanation. You don't need him to TELL you with words that he's lost interest - his SILENCE is SAYING something already dear :-( Don't put yourself through more pain by placing yourself in a situation where you have to hear it as well.

"He was the one that pursued me."

Maybe he did at first. But you did say this dear, "he stopped replying to my text." When you initiate contact with a man, he DOES take that as YOU pursuing HIM. And if he was pursuing you first, and then you had sex with him and you flipped the script and began pursuing (initiating) him, then in reality dear, it's not his behavior that changed...it's yours (once you took the lead and started pursuing him, if that's what happened here.) It happens a lot, so don't feel bad if that's what happened.

"But like I said I actually like the guy."

Why would you like a guy that treats you poorly dear? Why wish for that, why wish for more of that, ya' know?

"What do I do?"

Nothing. You don't have to do anything here dear. Nothing you say or do can make someone love you or want to be with you. So attempting to "do" anything is a fruitless effort. The only thing you need to do, is move on with dignity and grace and be good to yourself. Don't beat yourself up. Start dating other men, start spending more time with friends and family, pick up a hobby of some sort, start exercising, shop for a new wardrobe, maybe get a new look with a new hairstyle or hair color. . .do whatever it is that makes you feel good and makes you happy and distract yourself by keeping yourself busy.

Read this article dear. Read the entire piece from beginning to end, several times if necessary, until the concept of no contact and the psychological effect it has on others sinks in. And then USE IT to your advantage dear.

Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option. Never reward someone for poor treatment with more of your time and attention. Instead, get comfortable saying no and dishing out consequences for poor treatment:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html; January 15, 2014 at 7:22 PM
Anonymous lady said...: Another thing I wanted to add just to put the icing on the cake. Well our mutual friend told me that he mentioned that I didnt give him oral which was something he liked when it came to sex. I felt that was something I wasnt doing yet and I mentioned that to him once before. So for him to mention it again lets me know he disappeared because he didnt get that. So that says alot about him and his maturity. She said he said he was joking but I dont think so. But guess what he texts and says hey baby what's going on. I did not respond. So im kinda over this. Im used to men that respect what I want; January 15, 2014 at 8:25 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous lady.
The fact that this man is discussing very intimate details of your experience together with others - ALSO says a lot about his character dear, and his lack of discretion, emotional maturity and sensitivity.

I'm glad you feel you're over it and strong enough to say no to any future communication from him. Don't get any further involved with a man like this, it's a waste of time and he'll be spreading rumors and lies if anything goes haywire, in addition to broadcasting intimate details :-(; January 16, 2014 at 10:07 AM
Smokeologist said...: I'm a guy and was put onto this article as advice to be taken. My girlfriend of 5yrs left me a few days ago because she was having feelings for a guy she was working with. They are no longer working together but she said she needed to see if anything was there that it was unfair to remain with me and think of someone else she is telling me I'm her best friend that she could ever ask for and she wants me to always be in her life she said I'm like a member of her family over these 5yrs we have never went longer then a few days without seeing each other or talking on the phone. She is unsure about leaving me and says that no one can ever love her or compare to me in any way. I'm going to try this 30day no contact rule but my worry is that if I ignore her calls and texts it will push her further into someone else's arms..... what do you think? If she texts me can I reply with a short response of "I'm good" or something along those line I do want her in my life and I'm feeling very confused; January 17, 2014 at 8:35 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,

This is Pam.. I wrote to you on August 27,2013 at 10:39am... Hope you dont mind having a look at that again?

The guy that I was talking about didnt message me again after that and it has now been about 3.5 months since, I also have been extremely scarce on Facebook because its just really not my thing, so yesterday I was on there quickly and commented on a post of a friend of his, who is also a frind of mine... which I assume he saw, and funnely enough this morning when I went to have another look he sent me a message again, asking me how I've been.

I noticed that over December he was away on holiday and I cought a glimpse of some the photos he posted of that, and there was also this girl that he was hanging out with there, now there was no photos of them showing signs of romance or anything, he is very good at keeping a mystery about his going ons, but she was very active in liking and commenting on his pics and art etc. and to me that usually signal a women that is 'interested' in the man. This liking and commenting abruptly stopped about a week ago, which was about a week after his return...

The reason I'm writing this is I couldnt help but wonder whether he contacted me purely to take a chance as he was reminded of me (just to recap, I dissapeared on him after hearing how he handled a friend of mine), or whether it was the Aries in him at play that got a bit competitive seeing me commenting on his friends post. Or whether he had his little summer vacation fling, ended it somehow and was now feeling all lonely and thought he'd try once again to get my attention.. The one that ultimately did not fall for his tactics... I was just curious what your take or gut feeling would be on this?

Also, I was wondering, if he was to try and contact me again and perhaps ask why I've dissapeared on him and ignored his attempts to contact me, if I should maybe tell him that its because of the way he treats women... or something like that... so that maybe he Gets it? What would you do mirror, with a man like this?; January 18, 2014 at 6:25 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Errikos,
"I'm going to try this 30day no contact rule but my worry is that if I ignore her calls and texts it will push her further into someone else's arms..... what do you think? If she texts me can I reply with a short response of "I'm good" or something along those line"

I know it's scary to completely walk away dear, but that's what needs to be done to kick start the psychological process here...there has to be a complete "end" and it has to be one that she "feels" and believes. So responding, regardless of how short, only keeps that process from taking place. If she knows you're still there and she senses that you're not severing the ties with her, then she's not going to feel an "end" dear, and she's not going to miss you and more importantly, she's not going to experience what it's like without you in her life, and that's the exact thing that needs to happen in order for her to realize that she made a mistake possibly.

Don't sell yourself short my friend. You're valuable and after five years, there's no way she'd forget about you. So there's no need to keep a small thread of a connection (responding) for fear that she won't miss you. And even if, at first, it appears that she's leaving into someone else's arms, know this - many times, I've seen this myself, many times after three, four, five months of being with someone else, the individual realizes it isn't the same, misses the ex that isn't responding or speaking to them, and then circles back, acknowledging they've made a mistake and attempting a reconciliation.

It's not a guarantee, but if you love something, set it free. If it flies back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was...; January 18, 2014 at 9:46 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pam,
"I was just curious what your take or gut feeling would be on this?"

It could be any of the above, however, the timing her is a bit suspect to me. So my guess is that it has something to do with the sudden disappearance of this other woman that was stroking his ego daily and the fact that he saw you active there. As a result, I'd be very cautious with this one so he doesn't turn you into the "rebound" girl.

"I was wondering, if he was to try and contact me again and perhaps ask why I've dissapeared on him and ignored his attempts to contact me, if I should maybe tell him that its because of the way he treats women"

I generally don't bother much doing this with me I've just met and/or dated. I've tried in the past and because you're relatively new in their life, your words tend not to stick and have the necessary impact. But if you want to drop a hint, I'd simply say something like, "Well to be honest, I just wasn't impressed with your treatment of others, it was a turnoff."

That word, not sure why or what there is about it, but that word "turnoff" DOES have some impact with men, even a little bit with ones that are relatively new in your life. Tell a man he's turning you off or he's a turnoff and watch - he'll wince a bit. But it's the truth when they treat you like that. But that's all I'd say. I wouldn't elaborate or engage in conversation or combat after that.; January 18, 2014 at 9:55 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror

Thank you very much for your reply, yes, there is something suspect about it.

Just one last thing, if I were to just reply to his message now, without him actually asking why I dissapeared on him previously with " I simply wasn't and am not impressed with how you handle woman (should I say women or people?), it was a TurnOff.. Would that be ok? Would the wording be ok/effective like this?

This way he will also finally know why and have his "closure" and I wont have to deal with him again, and had my chance to say why.. and then of course not elaborate or converse with him about it further..

Thank you
Pam; January 19, 2014 at 4:34 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pam,
Well, whether or not a response like that would affect him and be taken to heart, who knows. I guess it depends on if he really cares what others think of his treatment. Some guys care, some guys laugh about it and mock women over it and minimize it and really just don't care.

But if you want to finalize this and you're sure you won't engage him in battle over it (because if he's emotionally immature, he'll get defensive and may say angry things or mean things to hurt you to try to get you involved in a verbal battle here), then you can make a brief statement about it and immediately move on and don't respond to any defensiveness afterwards. I don't really suggest doing that, but if you think you're strong enough and you decide to do so, then the choice is yours.

I'd keep it short, sweet and somewhat vague though. Something like, "I tried, but I'm just not impressed with your treatment of women, it's a turnoff and because of that, this isn't going to work."

And just leave it at that. And don't get drug into any verbal spar with him. Don't respond to any defensiveness and just let it die a natural death at that point. Hopefully, you'll be doing the next woman he meets a favor :-); January 19, 2014 at 10:58 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,

I have applied the NC several times now in my relationship with a guy and it's always worked. I mean always!
So, we were having a discussion with him the other day and he referred to the NC as "that drama you always do" which made me very surprised. Why would he think of it as a drama? Is that how men consider it usually due to their way of thinking (totally different to us)? Or is it because he is just simply immature and it is drama in his eyes (although very effective).
Would be good to know what you think of it.

J; January 20, 2014 at 5:58 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 20, 5:58 AM,
"So, we were having a discussion with him the other day and he referred to the NC as "that drama you always do" which made me very surprised. Why would he think of it as a drama?"

LOL, many times when women don't comply and/or roll over and play dead, young men generalize it into the "drama" category - meaning, "troubles" or "she's not cooperating right now."

But that doesn't matter. What matters is that it works - AND that he NOTICES your silence when he treats you poorly. Without words, you are signaling to him how you expect to be treated - and he "hears" you ;-); January 20, 2014 at 8:58 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Male on Christmas Day,
My apologies, I didn't find this until yesterday, sitting in the cue on the backend. Somehow, it fell through the cracks, so my apologies for that.

"This is the type of bs that makes dating hard. Not all guys want challenges and games we want womwn ro be upfront. We're simple creatures and the quickest way we lose respect is when we detect a woman playing games."

Umm, did you READ the article? Because if you did, you'll note that I mentioned VERY specific situations ONLY as a possible time to use this. And those were:

When A Man Suddenly Disappears On You
When You Want Your Ex Back
When You Need To Get Over A Man Or A Breakup

NEVER - not ONCE, did I ever insinuate that this tactic should be used to play games. Don't put a spin on my words, because it's NOT the intention of this piece that this material should be used to play games. It's meant to be used as a coping mechanism to help women emotionally detach from men (breakup, ex or disappearance) and as a way to deal with ignorant mistreatment (disappearances without explanation and being taken for granted).

"Look at forums when men have the same issues. The main advice men give each other is to walk away."

That's sad (and a bit feminine honestly, a tad whimpy). And yea, it's because many men (not all, but many nowadays) are living over-sexed "hookup" (not true dating or courting) mentality lifestyles and they no longer feel the need to PROVE themselves as men to women and they don't genuinely like the girl. When the woman is easily replaceable like that, it signals that the man was after sex and any sex will do, any woman will do, they're all replaceable so just find another one, no big deal. You know what that is? It's treating women like OBJECTS. It's an attitude of, "She's an object, nothing special, and she can be easily replaced." And when you treat women like that, that's exactly how you make them feel. Men complain women only want money and feel used if a woman expects them to pay, but they fail to realize that using a woman only for sex and treating her like a replaceable sexual object - makes THEM feel used, too. If you want a woman to submit to your leadership and pair with you, if you want her to follow you through life, you need to PROVE to her that you CAN lead and that she's SAFE following your lead (i.e. you won't steer her life into a ditch with your inconsistency, instability, lack of drive and ambition and/or emotional immaturity).

Men who give up and walk away easily - are men who are easily defeated. And men who are easily defeated do NOT make for good leaders because they lack the ambition and drive and determination needed to do so successfully. On the same token, men who give up easily in life do NOT succeed in the workplace, will NOT succeed in relationships (because women look for leadership qualities in a mate) and will most likely not succeed in friendships either, if they don't value anything as "worth fighting for." So they'll easily let women, careers and friendships slip away - which is a weakness.

You win some, you lose some - but you should AT LEAST TRY.

Cont...; January 21, 2014 at 4:02 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: If you're not even trying, then you're acting entitled, like a spoiled brat. You're acting entitled to receive without EARNING what it is you have first.

"A man who likes challenges are players and if you like players, keep playing hard to get."

Not true. Players like things EASY - players EASILY walk away and move onto the next victim, because they're lazy and looking for instant gratification and a quick fix (to THEIR selfish needs) and any woman will do - she doesn't have to be special, she just has to be a woman. Tell a Marine or a soldier that they're a chump because they like a challenge. For that matter, tell your CEO at work that his/her drive and determination and will to succeed at all costs is actually a liability to him/her and see what he/she says (before he/she laughs in your face).

Masculinity = Rising to the Challenge and Proving Your Worth as a Man and as a Leader

Why do you think Marine's go to boot camp? It's a process of "initiation" meant to break the man down, so that he can rise, like a phoenix, to the challenges he will surely face successfully and stronger. It's to "turn boys into men." And drill sargents really put them to the test, they are constantly challenging and testing males as men. The weak don't rise to the challenge and sulk away as defeatists, while the men rise to the challenge and become soldiers in the field.

"As a man he's used to rejection so chasing in the midst of that men know its futile."

Again, tell the man/woman who finally scored the CEO position after years of hard work, determination and proving that they've earned it - that their entire battle was "futile" LOL - see what they say. Tell the Marine that the challenges he overcame in boot camp were "futile" to his survival in battle on the field - see what he says.

With your attitude, everyone on the planet would be a defeatist and would simply ACCEPT being a loser. In your world, the cream would never rise to the top. The wheat would never separate from the chaff. Do you know what that old saying means? It means, "to separate what is useful or valuable from what is worthless." Are you worthless? Do you feel invaluable? If the answer is no - then you better get used to having to prove yourself in this world as valuable and worthwhile because you'll always have to do that, in your career, in your relationships and in life.

Cont...; January 21, 2014 at 4:02 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "Women dont get rejected enough and that's why you can't handle being rejected."

Wow, you're REALLY out of touch. Women don't get rejected? Don't get used and then dumped? Seriously, what planet are you living on - or are you living in a cave? Women can't handle rejection because they're HUMAN BEINGS with FEELINGS. You do know that they're human right - and not lifeless toys, objects and trinkets placed here for your entitled free use?

"Just move on and put the energy in a good man instead. Games dont work..."

Umm, that's the entire point of this article - DO NOT talk to men who treat you ignorantly, DO NOT talk to men who disappear without warning and take you for granted, and DO NOT chase your ex to the point of pushing them away.

There are good men and bad men, just like there are good women and bad women. And I think you came here and decided to engage on this topic....simply because it was written by a WOMAN.

After all, you ARE home on Christmas Day searching "no contact" on the Internet. And it's safe to assume that you did that because there was a woman in your life that was either not contacting you or not responding to you on the holiday.

I'm sorry that happened to you - but I'm NOT advocating game playing here.; January 21, 2014 at 4:02 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,

I love your posts and appreciate the time you make to offer your insights and advice. Although I've been stalking the comments here for a while, I could use some advice for my specific situation. Here's the background:

I'm recently divorced and had no intention of dating or getting seriously involved with anyone for the foreseeable future. Over the summer, I found myself caught up in a FWB situation with a close male friend of mine (for whom I've always had an attraction). Not the brightest move, but it was easy to be with this guy because I trust him and felt that as a good friend he would have some consideration for my feelings. Frankly, I was surprised when he made a move on me. I had a feeling the attraction was mutual but was never quite sure. Since I'd never been in a FWB situation I told him that our friendship is important to me and I was worried about ruining it. He reassured me that we would be ok and that he understood I am at a somewhat emotionally vulnerable place right now. At first, it was great. We hung out as we normally did and kept the 'benefits' part of our friendship quiet, save for another close mutual friend of ours who figured out this was going to happen eventually. We never talked about 'what does this mean' or 'where is this going'....partially because I don't know what I want it to be and partially because I think I may want it to be more but am afraid to ask.

After a couple months, my friend start to fade away. He stopped spending time with our circle of friends, slowly backed off from calling and texting me as much, etc. I reached out to him a few times to see if everything was ok and he just said he was busy, etc. Eventually I found out he started seeing someone right around the time he started to fade away. I was disappointed and hurt that he didn't, even as a friend, feel like he could tell me things changed.

I took the good advice of going no contact, mostly so I could get some distance and perspective on this situation but partly in hopes of getting his attention back. I started no contact by not reaching out to him, and avoiding places we usually hang out. I also ignored his last text a couple weeks ago asking me if I'm mad at him or if I no longer want to speak with him. I'm about halfway through the no contact period and I don't know if I'm feeling any better, but it has helped me put some focus into work, dieting and working out. A couple days ago he asked our mutual friend why I'm ignoring him and what I'm mad about. She responded that she didn't want to get involved but she knows for sure I'm upset with him for not behaving like a good friend lately. Supposedly, he was upset and admitted to "f'ing things up". He continued to press her for more details and she told him that he and I should have a serious conversation to clear the air about our relationship/friendship/whatever. Finally she told him that I am purposely avoiding him for a while - basically she told him I've gone no contact - because I need some time to cool off. While I'm not happy about this development, I understand that my friend felt put in the middle and did what she thought best.

My question is, now that my friend has basically told this guy I've gone NC what do I do? Do I continue the NC indefinitely and see if he eventually reaches out to me? If so, what then? Do I continue the month of NC and eventually stop avoiding him altogether? Not saying I would reach out to him, but I would stop avoiding social situations where I might bump into him.

Thanks in advance for any advice or insights you may have!; January 21, 2014 at 10:04 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 21, 10:04 PM,
"My question is, now that my friend has basically told this guy I've gone NC what do I do?"

Nothing dear, you don't have to do a thing. He knows what's up and he KNOWS what HE needs to do if HE wants to repair it, "he was upset and admitted to "f'ing things up." If he fails to do that dear, then you just try your best to accept that and accept that sex did change things, and not for the better :-( Besides, in time, if he was really a true friend, he'll come around when he feels it's okay to do so. If he doesn't, then he wasn't really a friend.

In the meantime, keep focusing on yourself and don't worry about disappointing people that have already disappointed you. Look good, feel great, have fun and live your life as best you can. The best revenge dear, is always - doing WELL :-); January 22, 2014 at 4:44 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,
I need some serious help here. I've been in an off and on relationship with my now ex-boyfriend for about 5 years. At the beginning of 2013 we decided to stop playing games with eachother and agreed to commit. So in June of 2013 we decided to move in with eachother. We got along well and were really getting to know eachother on a more intellectual level as well as communicating more. One day I came home and he was at a friends house and left his computer on. I went through his photos and found pictures of different women and even some female body parts that I don't care to mention lol.He apologized and started saying he should've never gotten me involved and he never meant for this to happen and blah blah. I eventually cooled down and told him that we could talk when i got home.By the time I got home he was gone, along with all of his things. So I called him when I got home and asked him to come back so we could talk.

So he came back and brought his stuff and we talked about the situation. He revealed to me that he had some sort of sex addiction and that he was addicted to seeing women online. I'm very forgiving and didn't think much of it. Like what man isn't addicted to sex right?The next day everything seemed fine until I left for a few hours and came back home only to find that he was gone again!!! and took all his stuff. So I called him frantic and he revelaed to me that he had cheated with one of the women online yet it happened a whole year before we even moved in together. I didn't know what to make of the situation so I just ended things.

A week after the incident I began to do the ultimate worse. I started texting him everyday and pouring my feelings and emotions out to him everyday. We literally argued everyday for about a month. He was very open and honest with me and kept saying he wouldn't give up on us and apologized every chance he got and answered all my questions, sometimes twice. He admitted to his insecurities and fears and was just being very "emotional" which was unusual for him. So from those actions I decided to try and work things and out and he agreed to work to regain trust

He started coming over once a week. Yet after he would leave and I didn't see him for a few days we would get into an argument about something and it seemed like a never ending cycle. We would agree to work on the things that would make the relationship work and then get into an argument again. He says I need to talk to him and not at him and I say he needs to put his words into action.

We recently had a conversation about how we would not argue anymore and I would not curse him out every chance I got and he would spend more time. Two days after that he said he wanted to come over on a Sunday afternoon and I asked why not Saturday when I don't have to work the next morning. He replied if he came Saturday he couldn't spend the night because he had church Sunday morning. I immediately sensed BS and told him to not come over at all. He did not reply and I have not spoken to him since and that was 4 days ago.

We're both 27 years old and I do love him very much and feel that we are great together aside from the issues. He's a Libra male and I'm a Gemini woman. We're both at our breaking point with eachother but are still very much in love. Should I continue this no contact rule or if I should move on with my life? And do you think he will ever contact me again?; January 22, 2014 at 4:46 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,

Thank you so much for the advice about my FWB. While I figured I couldn't go wrong with focusing on what's good for me, it's nice to have some encouragement that I'm on the right track. :-)

A couple things I'm not too sure of - if my friend contacts me after the initial NC period of a month, would it be a bad idea to continue to ignore him if I'm not quite ready to deal with him? Or am I ok with letting him know I'm still not ready to talk to him? I don't want to make our friendship even more difficult to repair if it is fixable, but I feel I have a right to take my time in moving slowly after being so disappointed. Also, I have avoided social interactions with him and to some extent other mutual friends. I assume it would be wise to continue that during NC. After that I should I stop avoiding social situations where it's possible to bump into him? After all, I miss spending time at certain places with some of our mutual friends.; January 22, 2014 at 7:23 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 22, 4:46 PM,
"I do love him very much and feel that we are great together aside from the issues."

I understand that dear, but you mention the issues here as if they're secondary. When the reality is that the issues here are the VERY thing that's creating distance between the two of you. You can't push the issues aside, they exist. You have to accept that they exist dear, you have to accept that this isn't a Utopian situation and then deal with it accordingly. This man is behaving quite odd and has already admitted to cheating in the past. I know you don't want to hear this dear and I'm sorry to have to say it, but there's a very high likelihood that he's continuing to do so. He referred to himself as having an addiction. Well, an addiction isn't something that you decide to drop one day and then it just goes away. And addiction sticks with you and it becomes enmeshed into your lifestyle. He didn't say he liked sex, he said he was addicted - which means this is deeply ingrained into his lifestyle. And because of that dear, you need to accept it and accept that there are issues here and that because of them, this isn't going to work :-(

"Should I continue this no contact rule or if I should move on with my life?"

I think you should definitely move on dear and don't worry about whether or not he'll contact you. Most do, but it can be months later. So for now, focus on yourself, begin dating other men, spend time with your friends, exercise, pick up a hobby - do whatever it is that makes you happy. Move on as best you can and be thankful that this is over dear. Had it not been, I think he would've delivered you a life of pain and grief :-(; January 23, 2014 at 9:01 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 22, 7:23 PM,
"would it be a bad idea to continue to ignore him if I'm not quite ready to deal with him?"

No dear it wouldn't be a bad idea, think of YOURSELF here and don't worry about him or what he thinks, etc. I generally do not even recommend responding unless an apology is received or a "talk" is requested that signals he's clearly thought things through and he's ready to do what's right.

"I feel I have a right to take my time in moving slowly after being so disappointed."

You have a right to do whatever it is that YOU need to do for YOURSELF dear :-)

"After that I should I stop avoiding social situations where it's possible to bump into him?"

Not if you don't feel you're yet strong enough to walk away if need be and/or you'll walk away very upset emotionally. ONLY do this when YOU are feeling strong enough dear.

"I miss spending time at certain places with some of our mutual friends."

I understand that. But don't worry dear - change is good. It's what propels us forward in life. Things may change for a while but who knows...you may meet someone else because of it. If you venture outside of your comfort zone into "new" territory, they say that's where the magic happens :-); January 23, 2014 at 9:07 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, thank you for this blog. It is really helpful. I had a date 2 weeks ago with a guy I have been dating on and off for 3 years. Saturday morning, the morning of the date, he actually picked up the phone to call me (he had usually just text me) to tell me that he was sick and had to reschedule the date. He went on about his kids having been sick and that he took Nyquil hoping to get over it, but that he still had a sore throat and didn't want to get me or anyone sick. He said he thought he was still contagious. I asked if he needed anything and told him that I hoped he felt better. I went out with one of my friends that night and on the way home, I wanted to drive by his house just to see if he was home or not. Well, guess what. His car was gone and two of his friends' cars were parked at his house. This was around 11 pm. I was so upset that I text him saying that I hoped he was having a fun night out. I said thanks for blowing me off and lying to me. I also said, " and you wonder why I don't call you. It's because you treat me like crap" (I never initiated contact with him and he complained about it all the time). He replied that he was at home watching TV and didn't know what I was talking about (he wasn't). I replied that was BS and he knows it. He never replied and I haven't sent another text. I won't either. I've gotten good at the no contact with him. What I was wondering was if I did the right thing in calling him out. My friend thought I should not let him know it bothers me, but then I didn't want him to think he could get away with it either. :/; January 23, 2014 at 11:40 AM
Anonymous said...: Thank you so much!! I will move on. I don't need a man to be happy!! lol; January 23, 2014 at 12:24 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 23, 11:40 AM,
"What I was wondering was if I did the right thing in calling him out. My friend thought I should not let him know it bothers me, but then I didn't want him to think he could get away with it either."

Well, the problem with confrontation is - it blows things sky high, sometimes to the point of no return. Whereas, a more subtle tactic actually turns the tables. And that subtle tactic is displaying your disapproval via your ACTIONS and NOT your WORDS and emotions. Because when women get emotional, men are granted the excuse to label her "crazy" and then use that as the explanation for why it ended.

Instead, if you sit tight and DON'T say one word - and don't respond to any texts and calls - eventually, many times, it's the man then coming to you and opening up a dialogue and asking, "What's wrong, why aren't you talking to me?" And at that point, you're usually much calmer emotionally and therefore, able to have a mature discussion about the event, and he's not granted any "emotional" excuses then, ya' know?

When a man treats you poorly dear, don't display your disapproval with words because they fall on deaf ears. The language of men is that of ACTION (they rarely if ever use their words like women do). They tend not to "talk" about it first, they simply take action and "do" whatever it is they want and then talk later, LOL. So if you really want to be "heard" by a man, take ACTION - and that action, the thing that DOES a lot without actually saying one WORD - is SILENCE and no access to you, verbally or otherwise:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

When you don't respond to someone - they INSTANTLY know somethings wrong. And once they know something's wrong, they INSTANTLY start to reflect on the last occurrence that may have taken place that's the culprit. And once they start to narrow down what that instance that's the culprit is, they KNOW exactly what happened and if they care, they then know EXACTLY what needs to be done - which is to apologize.

And after they do that, if they care, they do NOT treat you poorly again - because they KNOW there's a consequence to that...and it's not getting yelled at with words...it's never seeing you again, which has a lot more impact than words and emotions ;-)

When you refuse to speak to or see someone that's treating you poorly and taking you for granted...they are NOT getting away with their bad behavior. Instead, they're actually experiencing a very real consequence for it :-); January 23, 2014 at 5:15 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks, Mirror. I do understand what you are saying. That may be why he didn't respond to that last text that I sent saying that he was full of bs. It probably did upset him. But, I guess he knows why I am upset. If I had not said anything, then he probably would wonder why I was ignoring him because he would probaby think I would not have known he went out and blew me off. I hope he doesn't label me crazy because I am not, but I have heard that men will be quick to give that label.
I know now how to handle future circumstances and wait until calming down to talk about it. I appreciate your insight. Is the best thing to do now is just continue on with things and no contact to him? I think you would probably say wait until he contacts me with an apology (he may never though!)? I do know I don't want to be treated like that though. It feels like he just pushed me aside. Doesn't feel very good :/ Thanks again for your help.; January 24, 2014 at 1:27 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 24, 1:27 AM,
"If I had not said anything, then he probably would wonder why I was ignoring him"

Exactly. That's the whole point. You WANT him to be UNCERTAIN because it's a know fact that uncertainty creates attraction. Studies have concluded that:

http://blog.lib.umn.edu/wlas0006/1001a/Uncertainty%20Heightens%20Romantic%20Attraction.pdf

And that's why men use tactics to make women feel uncertain about whether or not they like them. Because they know it works psychologically. So when you take action by going silent, you jump start that psychological process and you get the man's attention and you get his mind thinking about YOU.

"I hope he doesn't label me crazy because I am not, but I have heard that men will be quick to give that label"

Yes, unfortunately they do :-(

"I think you would probably say wait until he contacts me with an apology (he may never though!)?"

That's the point though dear. Yes, you deserve an apology and yes, he should give one. However, if he fails to do so - then what does that tell you? And why would you want to be with someone that treats you as if you're disposable, ya' know? The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested is to see if HE pursues HER. And if he doesn't - then you have your answer and you know not to waste any more of your time :-(

If it were me, I'd stay silent and I'd put this guy to the test - to see if he even really likes me.; January 24, 2014 at 9:02 AM
Anonymous said...: That is an interesting article about uncertainty creating attraction. Thank you for providing the link. I do understand what you are saying. I think I deserve an apology also. It surprises me that is has been 2 weeks and not a word from him. I will definitely take your advice and stay silent to put him through the test. Right now it seems to me that he has an "I don't care" attitude and I don't want to be with him if he really doesn't care about me. I guess time will tell, but for now I will keep moving forward and living my life. Thank you :); January 25, 2014 at 11:34 AM
Anonymous said...: What if you are friends with benefits, and you decide you want more, but he doesn't .
so you tell him not to call or text anymore. But he told me NO!, he enjoys my company and our conversations.
And even still has text me 2x but I didn't respond to either, it's been two weeks since I seen him or talked to him. He would always show up late, well I told him next time , your late don't bother coming over. From that point on he was either early or on time. I don't know I get mixed signals from him. What does he want from me other than sex; January 28, 2014 at 3:39 PM
Anonymous said...: @anonymous....Uh...tell him that you can't have sex anymore outside of a relationship. Or just stop seeing him and see if he tries to tell you that he wants a relationship. This is why "Friends with benefits" does not work for women. We need to be courted and in a real relationship.; January 28, 2014 at 5:14 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 28, 3:39 PM,
Well dear, friends w/benefits very rarely, if ever, will lead to a relationship. There's a certain path that needs to be followed to reach a relationship "destination." And then there's a different certain path that, if followed, leads to the "hookup" destination. But in the end - it's two entirely different things - two entirely different destinations. So if you want to reach one in particular, then you need to take the path that will lead there.

It's like wanting to go to Hawaii (relationship) but then hopping on a plane to Alaska (hooking up). The plane to Alaska (hooking up) isn't going to land in Hawaii (relationship), ya' know?

The path to a lasting relationship is that of traditional courtship:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/courtship-dating-benefits.html

It's a path that involves a certain way of treatment, the building and maintaining of respect, one that includes boundaries, one that grants significant time to observe and learn about one another - it's a very particular process. And when the process is skipped and the participants take shortcuts to reach the end, once you reach the finish line (sex), you can't go back and start over the process as if you never reached the finish line (sex). You can't start the race all over again - the gun has already sounded and the finish line has already been reached. If you go back to the starting line, you're going to be the only one standing there because - the race is already over :-(

"So you tell him not to call or text anymore. But he told me NO!, he enjoys my company and our conversations."

Translation: He currently has his cake and he's eating it too - so naturally, he doesn't want to loose the benefit of stuffing his face with cake (sex). He's got the best of both worlds and he doesn't want to part with it.

If he says "no" who cares? It's YOUR life dear and if this man doesn't want what you want, then why would you even want to continue to have sex with him - when it's not going to lead anywhere and it's only going to keep you from being able to meet other men that want what you want, ya' know?

It's not about HIM. It's not about what HE wants, what makes HIM happy or whether or not he continues to receive the best of both worlds. It's YOUR life dear and it's about YOU. It's about what YOU want, what makes YOU happy and whether or not YOU are comfortable continuing to do this knowing it's going nowhere fast.

In otherwords dear, YOU are in control of your own life and your own happiness and your own future. Do NOT let a man dictate that to you or manipulate you emotionally so that he can continue stringing you along and stuffing his face with cake, so he's all fat and happy - while you're left out there alone in left field.

Take control and start calling the shots in your own life and when you do that dear - you'll feel much better. When you make it about YOU and not about him, you'll feel much better :-)

Cont....; January 28, 2014 at 5:21 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "I don't know I get mixed signals from him."

There are no mixed signals dear. He's being very clear about what he wants and what he wants is - his cake (sex). And he wants to eat it too (continue having sex available to him without him making a commitment to you).

"he told me NO!, he enjoys my company and our conversations"

He's saying he enjoys your company and conversation. Unfortunately, he's not saying that he's in love with you and that because of that, he wants to commit to you :-(

I'm sorry, I know it sucks. But this is why I really don't advocate casual sex for women - 99.9% of the time dear...it leads to heartache at the woman's expense :-(

Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up over this. We've all been there, you're not alone as you can see from the multitude of stories shared here. Read this and I think you'll feel better:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/08/men-disappear-and-reappear-aftermath.html

It'll show you that you're not alone, this is a very common phenomenon - but it's also one that YOU are in control of. Walk away from him dear - and go and find your happiness :-); January 28, 2014 at 5:21 PM
Anonymous said...: So i met someone at work, it was a very brief encounter. We just had crazy chemistry and we got on. At this time, i told him straight away i had a boyfriend however things were sketchy within the relationship and he was long distance. Since then he began initiating contact with me in a friendly way however he did express his interest subtly. He never overstepped his boundaries, neither did i. After our brief encounter at work we both went on vacation separately during the month away, he wrote to me everyday even when i wrote back short, closed answered replies. He then asked me to go out with him in which i invited friends along so it was casual however in the end it happened just to be the two of us. The date was not a great idea. He may have sensed i was a little uncomfortable and may have expected a lot more from me. I sensed his annoyance since he didn't contact me after the date and i had to make the first move. We saw one another after a month, which was with friends, we spoke briefly and he asked me if i was still in a relationship which i had replied "yes" and i had not seen my bf for 4 months. A month later i asked him casually if he was attending a friend's gathering in which he replied "he missed me and he couldn't make it", i had also admitted i missed him and asked him how he was, with no reply. We had met each other at the worse possible timing. Month and a half gone and i still think of him as you said the more he cuts me off the more i want to make contact. Should the no contact still apply?; January 30, 2014 at 1:51 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi M.O.A. I met this guy in late November of last year. We used to work in the same building but for different companies. We used to meet up for lunch and talk (well it'll be silent because he "never had much to say"), but I never seen him as a potential or possible. I no longer work in the same building but we managed to keep in contact. I don't call him, he calls me and it irritates me when he begans to ask me if I "miss him" or "he can't wait for me to let him know that I'm ready to start dating", but I'm not interested. There is no chemistry. Conversations are not stimulating AT ALL. I kissed him once to see if there was something there, but when I did, I felt grossed out. He also irritates me when he says that his sister and mother asks about me. I don't know them and never met them. I prefer to keep him far away from me. He's actually a nice guy, but not right for me. What's the best way to handle the situation? I don't want to crush his ego, but I don't want to waste his time either. What should I say? I'm not interested in a relationship with him.; February 1, 2014 at 6:03 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 1, 6:03 PM,
Yes dear, you need to be honest with him. It will disappoint him, but if you have respect for him, he deserves the truth.

Don't say too much, less is more. Just make it very clear with something like, "I have a lot of respect for you as a person and I feel you should know that I don't have romantic feelings for you. This isn't going to ever become anything more."

And then let him speak. Let him get off his chest what he needs to and don't freak out if he insults you or anything. Just understand that he's hurting at that moment. Don't be mean about this, be respectful and honest and just do the right thing dear :-); February 2, 2014 at 9:58 AM
Heidi said...: Hello all.

Quick update on my disappearing ( reappearing) Aries. We did not go to Superbowl. However, for a week that potential trip took on a life of its own. (Aries bought 2 more tickets and suggested we rent a car and take his son and my oldest son to the game. He made hotel reservations, dinner reservations, etc). Long story short, I didn't want to go ( handful of reasons including time off work, what to do with my youngest child for the weekend, Long "family style" weekend in NYC with him , etc) .

SO he ended up selling his tickets, I gave mine back to my friend, and we watched the Superbowl together with friends. He said that he wasn't disappointed with not going & suggested we take a trip to Vegas, later this spring. Not holding my breath ;).

BUT, He seems to be making the effort to get me back into his life.

Thanks to this site and the wonderful advice, I feel in control, but I am keeping him at arms length. I think of Aries as a friend right now ( nothing more) and refuse to discuss or analyze "whatever is going on" with any of our mutual friends/relatives. He thinks I am seeing someone.

I am in a good mindset of "whatever happens will happen" , probably because I truly don't care AND I am expecting nothing to come of this.

We shall see.

Thanks again for all of the advice :)

Cheers!; February 3, 2014 at 3:26 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror. Not sure if this is the right place for this question but I need your help regarding a male friend of mine let's call him Virgo. Well I've known him for years we've been friends for a while and we even used to work together in the same department but I ended up going to work for another department. We still have lunch together and we text and whatnot outside of work, you know like friends do. The problem is I have been noticing the past couple of months that he has become increasingly close to me and he likes me and I feel wants to have a romantic relationship with me but I don't with him. He's giving me all the signs that he is interested but I do not want to cross that line he seems to take things very personally. Lately what I have noticed is that if he texts me at night or on the weekend and I do not respond come Monday he's upset I didn't respond to him. My thing is he's my friend not my BF or husband and I do not have to give him a reason as to why I am not responding back. I'm not doing it purposely but I am busy running errands or doing my own thing and maybe sometimes I just want space and/or peace and quiet and not want to respond to anyone. He acts as if I am obligated to answer back to him just because he feels that as of late we have gotten closer. Him and I have gone through this before but I don't want to be mean to him but I feel like just telling him you are not my BF and do not have to answer to you. It's like beating a dead horse and he just doesnt get it, me being an Aries woman I am not subtle about taking an interest in a man. If I like him trust me he will know it and not question it same goes for if I am NOT interested and in this case I am NOT interested in him in that way. He is trying every which way to make himself appealing to me bu I am not attracted to him at all, I feel no chemistry, no sexual desire I have no desire to turn this into a romantic relationship and he so desperately wants to and I can tell. I've known him for years and if I wanted him he would've known by now.

Problem is he sulks and gets upset when I do not want to spend time with him alot or do not respond to his texts, and I've noticed its mostly at night and on weekends. He even caught himself last week, the same thing happened he texted me on Sunday and I was busy running errands and so I just forgot to get back to him and on Monday I sent him a GM email and asked how his weekend was and he sent me a one work answer and I asked him what was wrong and again like 2 worded answers. I knew something the fact that I didn't answer him was bothering him but he didn't want to say anything. He then apologized for acting like a jerk but here we are again.

Mirror please help me. I feel like he expects some kind of treatment because he wants it so bad but I only like him as a friend and it will be nothing more. He's a nice guy but how do I go about this and have him start this conversation so he can realize how he's acting?

Jennifer; February 4, 2014 at 11:18 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Jennifer,
"if he texts me at night or on the weekend and I do not respond come Monday he's upset I didn't respond to him"

That's insecurity dear. He's insecure and his behavior is signaling that. Texting to me is similar to leaving a voice mail for someone - they are free to get back to you at their convenience. You have no commitments or obligations to this man, so don't worry about it - it's his "stuff" to work out on his own.

"My thing is he's my friend not my BF or husband and I do not have to give him a reason as to why I am not responding back."

Exactly dear. You do not have to answer to this man.

"He's a nice guy but how do I go about this and have him start this conversation so he can realize how he's acting?"

You don't use your WORDS to express this dear. Forget a conversation about it, you've already tried that route several times and he doesn't "hear" you (probably because you spending time with him is getting his hopes up, ya' know?)

The definition of insanity is doing the same things, over and over again, and expecting a different result.

So don't have another conversation. Instead, speak with your ACTIONS. I hate to say this dear, but for his sake and yours, you're going to have to pull away from this man.

If your friendship isn't good enough for him and he can't handle that without a romantic involvement, then you're going to have to cease spending time with this man, even as a friend :-( That's the only way he's going to detach from you and "get it." His behavior is making you uncomfortable and your presence with him is only encouraging more of it, even if it's not your intention (it's his "wishful thinking").

But the reality here is that distance and separation are now needed to send the message dear and take control of the situation :-(; February 4, 2014 at 5:29 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you for the response Mirror. I know its going to be hard because I do enjoy talking with him but to me there will never be anything romantic but he always wants to prove to me what great BF he could be but he doesn't get it. I have told him this but he always says that he doesn't want to lose me as a friend and he'll take me anyway he can get me. When I try to pull back and not spend time with him he tries to give me the guilt trip saying " well what's wrong if we hang out as friends, I hang out with all my friends" but the thing is its different and it feels different like he has this expectation placed upon me. Yes we all spend time with our friends but we're not hoping and secretly wishing it will lead to a relationship. Its a bit draining really because this is something that keeps happening and he tries to act like it doesn't bother him but he sulks and gives attitude when he doesn't get his way.

I do agree Mirror yes he is insecure. I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder but physically I am not attracted to him. And I suspect that his insecurity is stemming from the way he sees himself physically, he has lost a great deal of weight but he is still shall i say a big boy. And he has told me that women have turned him down in the past due to the way he looks, he also says he seems to attract the psycho / crazy girls. Which raises a red flag for me because honestly I can see a man having one or two crazy GF's but he said lots so that leads me to believe that there is something about him that attracts these women to him. They're sticking to you for a reason and maybe he thinks he can fix them IDK. He tends to smother people and he's a bit over protective. Me being an Aries female I need my space but I think we all do I shouldn't have to be made to feel guilty because I do.

Jennifer; February 4, 2014 at 6:09 PM
Anonymous said...: Wow, I really needed to read this article two weeks ago. My friend of three years who I started seeing almost 7 months ago has stopped contacting me about two weeks ago. He really meant a lot to me and helped me get through some tough times, and we had the most amazing connection I've ever felt in my life. Well it came a point where his texts became more infrequent and I admit I didn't handle it well at all. I believe that at the moment I have a condition called borderline personality disorder and because of that I am really emotionally unstable and I also have abandonment issues, I did let him know about it prior to this however. I also am not using it as an excuse at all it is just something I am struggling with.

Well my response was not ideal. I did try to keep it light at first and just jokingly asked if he wasn't talking to me anymore. When I didn't get an answer I did flip and send a few emotional texts over a few days and also asked if he would tell me why he wasn't talking to me. Then after not hearing from him for almost a week after that I sent him another light and I no answer again and I did respond emotionally again.Well Sunday, I did end up telling him that I won't be contacting him anymore and I removed him from all social networks. I knew I handled it completely wrong before I even read this but I pretty much didn't do anything right at all. I guess I would be lucky if I ever hear from him again.; February 5, 2014 at 2:43 PM
Anonymous said...: @ mirror.. Love this article! ! The man I've been dating for a while now seems to be taking me for granted lately. I'm guessing because I'm too available. Yesterday I started doing no contact and it only took a few hours for him to start texting me. . Asking if I wanted to do something tonight. I caved and told him sure. The today I waited to heat from him. .. and waited. . Finally I sent him a txt saying that I hadn't heard from him.. That I guessed he was busy. .and to have a good night. He responded right away! .. said he decided to stay home. He tried to make plans for tomorrow, but I have him a vague no.. and hoped the rest of his week went well. It kind of feels like a control thing. The second I stayed no contact. .. He came back around. Then when he had me. . He left me waiting. . Do I begin doing no contact again but stick to it? It's hard not to see him because he comes into my work all the time. I feel like he had gotten way too comfortable, and the courting has faded out. Any thoughts? Any advice would be appreciated; February 6, 2014 at 12:42 AM
N.Jow said...: @ Mirror. So i met someone at work, it was a very brief encounter. We just had crazy chemistry and we got on. At this time, i told him straight away i had a boyfriend however things were sketchy within the relationship and he was long distance. Since then he began initiating contact with me in a friendly way however he did express his interest subtly. He never overstepped his boundaries, neither did i. After our brief encounter at work we both went on vacation separately during the month away, he wrote to me everyday even when i wrote back short, closed answered replies. He then asked me to go out with him in which i invited friends along so it was casual however in the end it happened just to be the two of us. The date was not a great idea. He may have sensed i was a little uncomfortable and may have expected a lot more from me. I sensed his annoyance since he didn't contact me after the date and i had to make the first move. We saw one another after a month, which was with friends, we spoke briefly and he asked me if i was still in a relationship which i had replied "yes" and i had not seen my bf for 4 months. A month later i asked him casually if he was attending a friend's gathering in which he replied "he missed me and he couldn't make it", i had also admitted i missed him and asked him how he was, with no reply. We had met each other at the worse possible timing. Month and a half gone and i still think of him as you said the more he cuts me off the more i want to make contact. Should the no contact still apply? I want to make contact but i'm not sure if it's the right thing to do.; February 6, 2014 at 4:33 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 6, 12:42 AM,
"The second I stayed no contact. .. He came back around. Then when he had me. . He left me waiting."

I know, LOL. I have men show up on this thread periodically and accuse me of suggesting women play games. But what they fail to realize is that THEY are the one's playing the game. They're the one's starting it by acting just as you indicated above. So all I'm merely suggesting here is that when they DO start playing the game - you stand up for yourself and don't permit them to do so.

And as you can see, they're very aware of what they're doing, even though they deny, deny, deny.

Because the minute you signaled that you were onto the way he was treating you, he suddenly straightened right up. Coincidence? I think not, LOL ;-)

"Do I begin doing no contact again but stick to it?"

When they're doing ignorant stuff like this:

"start texting me. . Asking if I wanted to do something tonight...Finally I sent him a txt saying that I hadn't heard from him...said he decided to stay home."

Then yea, it's time for no contact (and no response). I mean seriously, who the hell makes plans with someone like that, changes their mind, doesn't let the individual know they've changed their mind...and then thinks that's the way to properly treat another human being? Absurd. Even an 8 year old knows that's ignorant and self-centered. It's the definition of taking someone for granted. He took it for granted that you'd still be there waiting, waiting, waiting, and that YOU would contact HIM to see what's up. There's no excuse for that, it's ignorant and even a child would know that.

But using your words to express your dismay at his treatment of you will get you nowhere. He'll likely dismiss those words, label you crazy or something or even better "over-reacting" - and he'll make light of it and actually have you questioning as to whether or not you're out of line for being upset at his poor treatment of you.

It's much better to signal to them that you're not happy with the treatment, by actually showing them a CONSEQUENCE for treating you that way - which is no access to you, and no response from you - until they apologize to you, for treating you poorly. Which again, even an 8 year old knows is the right thing to do.

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html; February 7, 2014 at 4:30 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @N. Jow,
"i had also admitted i missed him and asked him how he was, with no reply"

When someone deliberately ignores you like that dear, no, you don't contact them again. The ball is in THEIR court, the last communication was from YOU, and if he failed to respond to it - you don't reward his ignorant treatment of you with more of your time, attention and focus. Because if you do that, you signal to the man that anytime he wants your attention, all he has to do is pull a stunt on you and you'll be all over him, contacting him, doing the work to keep the relationship going, etc.

Men instinctively know that when they do this to women, women get all anxious and start trying harder.

Many won't admit that openly, but they talk with their buddies about this stuff and they're very aware of the concept - make the girl anxious, she'll try harder to win you over. Otherwise known as "the game."

In his case, he may have just realized that you're not available to him dear. And he may have decided to bail as a result. You can't really blame him here for pulling back like that, but on the same token, don't reward his failure to respond to your last communication with more of your time, attention and focus either, ya' know?; February 7, 2014 at 4:37 PM
Anonymous said...: I love the way you write Mirror! It is so true, men absolutely know it when they are playing games...they are testing our asses all the time with "stunts" and totally talk to their friends about it. I swear...it is like they are sitting there with their best guy friend, literally being like, "haha...I really pissed her off...I am not contacting her to make her crazy...watch, I'll text her right now and see the response I'll get...haha". When they don't get any response...they are shocked! Then the guy's friend says.."looks like she's over you...haha". They are seriously that immature. Don't think for a second that they aren't. When you give a guy and "Emotional" "over-reacting" response...he only uses that as ammunition to brag to his friends and label you a psycho! Best thing in the world for a guy is NC...he will never forget it :) LOL. Like Mirror says, if you are strong and pull NC...they ALWAYS come back (unless they get married or something)....they literally can't help themselves. Be strong ladies!; February 7, 2014 at 8:18 PM
N.Jow said...: @MOA
Thanks MOA. I don't blame him for bailing at all. The reason for me to want to make contact again was i felt like i wronged him and gave him mix signals to begin with. I was so tied up with difficulties in my relationship but he obviously knew there was chemistry between us and wanted to test the waters, he also knew i was unavailable from the very start.

Wrong timing. I did try to show him that i still wanted to be friends however i don't think he's the kind to just cut you out which i hate most about courting. People can't get what they want and put minimal effort in with fear of rejection so they cut you off completely.

Thanks for your advice!; February 8, 2014 at 7:34 AM
nygirl said...: My situation is a bit different. My ex bf and I were together for five years. We broke up almost a year ago and now he lives in california and I live in sc. Although we broke up we have been back n forth for months. I would ignore him them he would call or txt telling me he still loves me and how great our relationship was. I found outhe had a gf five months ago and discovered he was still trying to tlk to me while he was with her. He eventually told me he wanted to be faithful to her and didnt want to hurt her so for three months we stopped tlking to each other but just last month he reached out to me again and told me he still loved me and wanted to see me again and that his gf didnt treat me right. He kept calling me n txting me n so I went to see him in cali. We made love and he payed for most everything while I was there, even called me his gf a couple of times. After I came back home he txted me saying he doesnt love her even though hes been with her for 8 months and told me no one could ever take my place the txts slowly stopped. He hasnt called me since I left and its been almost a month and everytime I call he doesnt answer. Im supposed to see him again in march n he says hes excited but his actions show that he could care less. I asked him about his actions and he told me he feels guilty. Should I do the no contact rule until I see him? And is he barely responding to me because he got what he wanted or because he feels guilty?; February 12, 2014 at 9:08 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @NYGirl,
"Should I do the no contact rule until I see him?"

No - you should cancel the trip entirely and initiate no contact until he firmly breaks up with this girlfriend once and for all, otherwise, you're going to be one third of a love triangle.

This man isn't returning your calls and is ignoring you - so it doesn't make any sense to plan on going to see a man that's treating you like that. You don't reward poor treatment with more of your time, focus and attention. Instead, poor treatment deserves CONSEQUENCES (i.e. no access to you):

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

When your dog pees on the floor dear, you don't give it a treat. Instead, it receives a consequence (being placed outside). Equally, when a man uses you and treats you poorly, you do not reward him, you instead show him consequences.

Additionally, if this man was serious about this, HE would be flying to see YOU. Not the other way around. Until you see actual ACTIONS from this man that align with his words, you can't take him seriously unfortunately. Because he's not backing up his claims by following through with any action. Instead, he's using you to cheat on his girlfriend with, and he doesn't even have to lift a finger to do so. Don't make it easy for this man to use you dear - make him PROVE to you that he's serious about what he says.

"And is he barely responding to me because he got what he wanted or because he feels guilty?"

Regretfully, I imagine it's neither dear. My guess would be that he's in a relationship :-(; February 12, 2014 at 5:11 PM
nygirl said...: Thanks for the advice. I really want to cancel the trip but I cant get a refund on the flight or hotel. I would hate for that money to go down the drain. Should I just go one last time then just end it after the trip if he doesnt break up with her?; February 12, 2014 at 7:34 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ nygirl,
Don't let $$ be the basis for your choice here. Whatever the cost of the flight, tack it up to the cost of a lesson learned for you dear. I did so last May. Was supposed to fly out to see a man in the Midwest I had been friends with for 7 yrs before we got together in a ldr. Visited him 3x, he visited me 2x. When he started acting like a dic* a few weeks prior to my flight, I had to make the same choice you have right now.

I didn't get on that plane. I rec'd a (blocked id) phone call during the morning of my flight (a hang up when I answered) and believe it was him seeing if I was home, and could just picture him all day wondering if I was going to be on that flight. I could even picture him at the airport bar like a pitiful little puppy waiting to see if I arrived.

Nope. I didn't go, I lost the money, but I took care of my self first. And I still have not talked to him. Lesson learned for him as well, a hard one at times I am sure when he thinks about it. This woman was not going to take his shix any more, and he'd have to explain to everyone why I did not arrive.

So, don't let the cost of the flight be the deciding factor. You can always earn that $$ again. Take care of your self first dear.; February 13, 2014 at 5:43 PM
Anonymous said...: @nygirl
hey Im sorry about what happened to you girl but MoA is right, you should cancel the trip...and the guy should have visited you this time especially that you traveled to see him before. My only question that I couldnt overlook in your response is that you really booked a hotel?? If I visited a bf or even even just a bf to be or an ex I was together for long but still "friends" with, it would be kinda natural to stay at his place. I think it is a red flag that he made you book a hotel room...why didnt he want you to stay at his if you guys want to rekindle the relationship? Try to talk to the airlines and the hotel, Im sure theres a way to get some refund. And try to forget the guy, I am sure he is seeing others as well, the signs are typical, I have been there as well...:(; February 14, 2014 at 2:17 AM
nygirl said...: @ anonymous. Well like I said my situation is different because im not his girlfriend and he does have a girlfriend thats why I cant stay at his place and we are meeting at a hotel but im going to tell him today if he doesnt break up with her im not coming.; February 14, 2014 at 11:02 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

I accepted a birthday dinner invitation from someone I dated on and off for almost 2 yrs...during dinner his phone kept going off repeatedly and I felt as if I was being brushed off. I called him out on it by calling him an A**hole and he replied: I'm dating someone, don't be jealous. I have admirers and then proceeded to get up and leave me sitting at the restaurant to go meet up with his "new lady". He sent me a lame text sorry I left you at the restaurant but you really hurt my feelings almost 24 hours later. I haven't heard from him since. Please help.; February 14, 2014 at 12:50 PM
Anonymous said...: @nygirl
Ah ok I see I thought you were not sure if he had a gf or not bc you said something like they might have broken up....if you know for sure he is in a relationship, then it is definitely a no no. A big no no. I wouldn't even give him an ultimatum like if he doesnt break up with her Im not going. Because he may tell you he will or just tell you another empty promise and won't break up with her of course definitely not under pressure like this... Don't humiliate yourself by going there when you know he is in a relationship paying for your ticket and hotel room and hiding to avoid being seen....You deserve better than that! I know it will be hard, but do not go. If he is cheating on that girls already, he would probably be cheating on you too when you are not around.; February 14, 2014 at 12:57 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 14, 12:50 PM,
What's there to help with dear? He was ignorant and extremely rude and over-reacted with immaturity. If he has a new lady, then what's he doing out to dinner with an old ex? And if invites someone to dinner and then ignores them with his face buried in his cell phone, why would he expect someone to be happy about that?

He's immature - and he's unavailable, he's got a girlfriend.

Leave him in your past where he belongs and don't give him the satisfaction of a response.; February 14, 2014 at 3:06 PM
nygirl said...: @anonymous thanks. I'm not gonna even tell him im not going im just not going to show up. I've been back and forth with him for years and it's time for me to move on and find someone better!; February 14, 2014 at 4:16 PM
nygirl said...: So yesturday he called me wishing me happy valentines day. We talked a little bit then he had to go. I turned my phone off and this morning I turned it on. He sent me a message saying to cancel my trip because he tried to call me and since my phone was off he assumed I was with another guy which I wasnt. I cant believe he would even act like that :(. I cant even get a refund but I guess hes not woth it.; February 15, 2014 at 9:35 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @NYGirl,
This guy's a joke dear. He HAS A GIRLFRIEND for crying out loud!!! So WTF is he trying to prove here by making it seem like a BAD thing if YOU were out with another man.

He has a girlfriend and as such, he does not get to JUDGE YOU as "wrong" for being out with another man - because - HE HIMSELF HAS A GIRLFRIEND!!

Get rid of this guy, he's a complete quack of a man and he's not lifting a finger for you. Not only that, but he's insecure and he's manipulating you emotionally by attempting to make YOU feel GUILTY for possibly being with another man....when HE currently has a damn GIRLFRIEND himself!!

So what does this tell you? It tells you that he feels it's absolutely 100% okay for him to be two-timing here, but it's NOT okay for you and if that's what you're doing, YOU are WRONG and YOU should feel ashamed and guilty about it, while he does not.

Un-freakin-believable. Toss him to the curb.

Do NOT get involved with men that cheat dear - DO NOT. Cheating never leads to anything but "bad." It's negative and you can't expect positive results from something negative. And remember this dear:

If a man will cheat WITH you, that same man will surely cheat ON you.

Threesomes are no place to be and no situation to be involved in. Remove yourself from this situation and him - immediately - and never look back.; February 15, 2014 at 10:56 AM
nygirl said...: Thank you. I felt really bad about it at first but now I know from your response hes not worth it.; February 15, 2014 at 12:16 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Please help me! I am crying while typing this...:(... I knew a guy from a dating website, we always exchanged emails n all went fine but then he disappeared. Then he came bk last year n said he wanted to start all over again n we became closer n he always contacted me n talk to him. Its a long distance relationship. We have never met yet.. But after 2 wks he didnt call or respond to my msgs n it was almost 2 mths i msged him n said goodbye n said he might be dating someone else so i wont bother him. Just to add, the last two mths when i was the one who always msged him, he will respond in short msgs but there is a gap of a week. So coming to it, he said he is not datin anyone cos he is starting a business n he is holding on another full time job. But y cant he just spend 2 mins on the phone? When we initially spoke often, he told me he wanted me n settle down n want us to be together. Now, on valentine' s day he called me to speak becos i was upset with him n asked him to leave me alone. After 2 months we r speaking on valentine' s day. All went well n he said he missed me n stuff but wat next happ was i told him i will be heading to his country for a holiday, he knew this before n he was excited tat time but strangely yesterday he was not tat excited. Infact he told me he might not meet me cos of his commitments but i told him he could just take a day off to which he said he wasnt sure. And then he asked me y i was desperate to meet him n i was shocked! He even said he is not that wonderful or special but i told him he was to me and it means alot for me to travel more than few thousand miles to see him as well as a vacation to me. He was then helping me to check for the flight dates n prices n we carry speaking n after tat he hung up. He msged me again sayin hi baby after few hours n then we carry on texting until he brought up the topic of seeing him. He said he might not be able to meet but ask me to carry on my holiday as i needed it.. Then i asked y cos i was upset n he said he does not want to make promises n is feeling pressured from his food business n full time job.. Bt i explained to him i can book another date when he is really free but he said i hv to really wait tat long n i said i am willing too. Then suddenly he said " if we cant meet this year i think its better if we move on n maybe just remain as friends as i dont want to lose touch"... My heart nearly dropped!!! I asked him wth he was talkin but he said he was speaking logically n also said we r now just good frens. Then i said no i can never treat u as a fren n y r u pushing those who love u away! He then asked me do i love him? To which i replied love is an overall thing like care n concern n i want to work it out. I was really scared to say i do really love him!! :( but then he said it might develop in future. But i was so emo i asked him y then he is calling me baby n hunny.. N do u call tat to ur normal gal frens which his reply was" i was flirting with u and oh i m so sry i shouldnt have called u pet names as i didnt expect u to take tat seriously n its my fault.. I shld not hv call u tat n it shld be only when we r in love or relationship! I cried so much cos i thought we r dating!!! N he told me dun wry u wont lose me i will still be ur fren n i asked him so u r not gonna love anyone to which he said he might never.. I find it hare to believe cos he was the one wanted me to commit n communicate with him n he also said he likes me alot cos he can sense i m a nice n a loyal gal n wil never hurt a guy. I told him i m leaving him for good n i will not be his fren to which he never reply to me... What shall i do now..... I realky love him n sry for the long story :(... Its a bad valentine's day for me.. I shld hv just went with the flow becos he was really msging me for the past few days until i brought up abt travelling to see him. I thought he will appreciate me n love me for tat but i was wrong.. Anyway he is Taurus :(; February 15, 2014 at 12:36 PM
Anonymous said...: @ nygirl
My heart goes out to you girl...I have been in a similar situation recently. Omg, how dare he tell you to cancel the trip and break this up like that just because you dont answer the phone for a few hours??...That is so pathetic and immature and such a lame excuse for a breakup. But at the same time it is typical of manipulative men that they shift the blame on you and make it seem as if you were the bad one here...instead of manning up and telling you the truth. You made effort to see him before, now spent a lot of money on hotels and tickets and then he cancels like that...unbelievable...im sure he has been looking for some tiny little 'mistake' that you make (not that not picking up the phone is one) so that he can blame the breakup on you...im sure he has been planning to break up for long but is apparently not a genuine person to tell you the truth so he just came up with this excuse and wanted to make you feel bad about it so he can feel good...Dont ever contact him again. Hang in there you will meet a good guy :); February 16, 2014 at 6:08 AM
team edward said...: The other day I was walking into my bedroom when I saw my boyfriend looking at a valentines card. Turns out it was from his ex. I confronted him about it and he said it didnt mean anything and that it was from years ago and to top it all of it was on valentines day! Plus whenever he gets a call he tends to hide his phone. Does this mean anything or am I being worried for nothing?; February 16, 2014 at 6:54 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 15, 12:36 PM,
"Its a long distance relationship. We have never met yet.."

You can't be in a relationship with someone you've never met dear. You shouldn't commit to men who haven't proved themselves to you, or for that matter, even proved to you that they're "for real" and not just someone behind a fake profile.

"When we initially spoke often, he told me he wanted me n settle down n want us to be together."

Those are all only WORDS dear - not ACTION, and it's a man's actions (or lack thereof) that truly tell the tale. How can a man know he wants to be with you when he's never even met you yet? You can't believe that kind of talk coming from a man you've never even met dear.

"he told me he might not meet me cos of his commitments"

OR - because he's not "real" and he's a married man behind a fake profile. Or he's got a girlfriend, or he's keeping a very big secret of some sort.

"i told him he was to me and it means alot for me to travel more than few thousand miles to see him"

A woman should NEVER travel to a man like that dear, particularly one she's never met in a foreign country. You have no clue who this man is. He could be a murderer, he could be a rapist, he could be married, he could be 70 years old...he could be anything. You simply have no way of knowing and you're going to be putting yourself in great danger here if you travel to a strange man in a foreign country like this on your own.

When dating, MEN come to YOU at first. That's how they PROVE themselves genuinely interested. That's how you know they're SERIOUS about you - they show it - through ACTIONS and not a bunch of flowery WORDS. This man hasn't done one single thing to prove himself genuinely interested. Do NOT fly to this strange man in a foreign country...it's not wise.

"he said i hv to really wait tat long n i said i am willing too"

Honey, NEVER...and I mean never ever sit around waiting on a man - EVER. Particularly one that you've never met and that you don't even know is real or not and one that's never lifted a finger for you to prove to you that he's for real and he's genuinely interested. Never put all your eggs in one man's basket like that unless he's proved himself to you first.

"I cried so much cos i thought we r dating!"

Honey I don't mean to hurt you, but again, why would you consider yourself in a committed relationship with a man you've never even met yet, ya' know? You weren't dating. Dating actually requires a physical presence, seeing each other and going out and doing things together. I realize in long distance relationships that can't happen often, but it should at least HAPPEN at some point prior to becoming involved with one another - and it should be HIM that makes that happen.

"i will still be ur fren n i asked him so u r not gonna love anyone to which he said he might never"

Sweetie, careful what you're doing here dear. You're projecting an awful lot of emotion onto a man you've never met, a complete and total stranger. Of course he's going to love others dear, as you will too. And for him to say he may never...that's a bunch of BS. He's never met you, you've never met him...you can't believe a bunch of words like that without any ACTION accompanying them to PROVE them genuine :-(

"he was the one wanted me to commit n communicate with him n he also said he likes me alot cos he can sense i m a nice n a loyal gal n wil never hurt a guy."

He SAID that (words), but he never PROVED that dear (actions).

"What shall i do now"

You should do this dear, you should enact your POWER:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html; February 16, 2014 at 11:38 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @TeamEdward,
"whenever he gets a call he tends to hide his phone...Does this mean anything or am I being worried for nothing?"

Well it's not really a good sign because it signals a lack of trust - on his part and on yours. And without trust, there's nothing to build upon.

And when you then combine that behavior above with this, "looking at a valentines card. Turns out it was from his ex" - it compounds the matter. Basically, both behaviors are signaling that he's got something to hide. Now what that is, you cannot say for sure. But what you can say is that yea, he's obviously feeling like he's got something to hide for whatever reason dear :-(

But I don't suggest that you confront him about it. Instead, I suggest that you pull back - pull WAY back. Go silent, stop responding to his message and calls....and see what he does next - put his feelings for you to the test and see how he responds once he's lost you:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

You're not powerless here dear. If this man isn't making you happy and he doesn't care to fulfill your needs of trust and dating him is beginning to make you miserable, you do have options:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html; February 16, 2014 at 11:44 AM
team edward said...: @ mirror I think he might be cheating on me because he is always comparing me to his ex. I honestly dont know what to believe plus when ever he hides his phone I notice a recognized number from his ex and also I caught him once on the phone with someone. I didnt hear the whole convo but I heard him say I love u and I think he was tlking to his ex :(; February 16, 2014 at 12:42 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, I've been dating someone for 2 years. Long distance but we managed to arrange to see each other every 1-2 months or so. He increasingly became less available as he started a new business-- I raised the issue and he said it had nothing to do with me but was personal stress. I must say he didn't seem to care about my feelings, although when I raised the issue there was no result-- i.e. no work on anything that was bothering me. He was always quite serious, respectful, dropped many hints of a future and spent a fair amount of cash on me/our relationship. I went through a divorce several years prior and so did he (we are not kids, mid 30s and 40s). I tried to play it cool and slow and not chase, to make sure he was serious. I'm not perfect (everyone has their baggage) but I did the best I could and tried to be mindful of my actions and insecurities too.

Well, recently we had what I would call a mild disagreement (he criticized me for being negative about things in my life with a 'small' level of importance relative to the challenges in his life) and told me I'm a negative person. He said he was avoiding contact with me because I would be negative. I tried to make amends or at least talk about it. I also said his behavior also hurt my feelings at times and couldn't remember the last time he had said he cared about me. I assume that made him angry (obviously) or he just couldn't be bothered anymore, but with anger and silence nothing can be resolved. He's just cut me off completely. I sent a couple texts 2 weeks back and then stopped. It's now been 3 weeks and I've heard nothing.

I'm disappointed. I find this behavior rather childish and I can't envision ever treating anyone else like that. The relationship was so nice for a year-- what the hell happened? Assuming that 1. he still cares for me, 2. will this NC period work? Are we still dating? I don't think he's going to come back, but what happens when someone just goes mum?

At the minimum, this experience has once again knocked off my rose tinted spectacles and I'm back to my platform in life: "have no expectations" and "all men will eventually get lazy and dump you or take you for granted" and "no matter what you do you can only do so much to influence the outcome." I understand that it's time to walk away objectively (not that anyone is going to notice when I walk :-) ).

It's really disheartening, especially when you care for somebody. With the effort I put in I feel like I've been used-- I know effort doesn't count, but my feelings do count to me.

Thank you Mirror.; February 16, 2014 at 1:57 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I am the girl who wrote the long story on feb 15, 12.36 pm.

So now must I still be frens with him? Cos he said he don't want to lose touch with me n still wanna be gd frens..wth!! Why can't he just let me go..I am already shattered cos of his 360% behaviour when I told him I am travelling there to see him in UK.

Mirror, I believe he is a real person cos I hv his pictures and I even look up for his profile in facebook. Just tat I wonder y he never added me in his facebook. I also notice he have more gal frens than guys in his list. He also told me one thing that he was chased alot but in then the gals just become his frens as he thinks it won't work out. His last long term relationship was 5 years ago n then for now cos he said he wants a nice girl. Then why doesn't he want me when I can be all that! I have all the qualities a guy can ask for..alot of guys want to date me but I wasn't interested as I am not attracted to them physically. :(..I am not sure if I shld just tell him good bye cos I really miss him n if I still was his fren I will be sad when I kw he is dating. Shall I change my num?? I hv rdy blocked him in skype.; February 16, 2014 at 4:22 PM
Anonymous said...: Cont from Feb 15 12.36 pm

I meant* 360 degrees change*.Sry for the typo. I always thought Taurus guy r faithful n want a committed relationship, thats wat draws me to him. But I notice he is always fickle n don't really give me a direct answers. He always said he is attracted to me when he saw my pics. I have a feeling he us insecure or maybe don't want to show his low self as he keep sayin he is not tat wonderful n he doesn't have a great body. I told him its the heart tat matters. He is quite big in size cos he loves food but he still looks charming to me. But he is not convinced. If he is not good then why does he have many gals frends is he bullshitting to me?; February 16, 2014 at 4:36 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 16, 1:57 PM,
"will this NC period work?"

Will it work to bring him back? Well, nothing in life is a guarantee dear. It all depends on the man's level of interest really. But will it work for YOU - to help you detach emotionally? Yep, sure will dear :-)

"Are we still dating?"

No. When a man treats you like this and then tells you he's avoiding you - no, it's no longer a relationship :-(

"but what happens when someone just goes mum?"

You accept the reality that lies before you dear, and you do your best to recover. There's no other choice regretfully.

"no matter what you do you can only do so much to influence the outcome."

You can't make people love you dear or want to be with you, but YOU do have some say-so in the matter:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html; February 17, 2014 at 4:56 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @the girl who wrote the long story on feb 15, 12.36 pm,
"Why can't he just let me go"

It's not only up to HIM dear, YOU also have some control here:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html

"I hv his pictures and I even look up for his profile in facebook."

Well just keep in mind dear that people use fake photos and create fake Facebook profiles to back those photos every single day.

"he keep sayin he is not tat wonderful n he doesn't have a great body."

That could be because he hasn't shown you his "real" self (possibly only fake photos and a fake FB profile that he uses to communicate with many women online through - he could be doing this all from a fake profile and with many women dear. There's an entire show (and a movie) about this very thing, it happens every day, and the show is called "Catfish.")

"If he is not good then why does he have many gals frends is he bullshitting to me?"

He could be doing this to many women dear, not just you. Again, the show is called, "Catfish." Watch it and you'll see what I mean:

Movie Trailer: http://youtu.be/BuE98oeL-e0

Television Series: http://www.mtv.com/shows/catfish/video/; February 17, 2014 at 5:05 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror,
You were sayin that the NC rule will actually work n always be unavailable to a guy. But I don't think all guys will still come back to you if u ignore or dun return their calls. I did follow the NC rule, this gentleman was really into me..bring mw to lavish dinners n treated me well but I wanted to test him as I was worried he just want to settle down quickly cos he is getting older and not just becos he loved me 100%. So I became a very mystery person to me n I will take my time to reply his msgs and sometimes won't go out on a date with him. But he will come n call me many times or msged me but I will reply n act that I was busy. He even told me he hated me being so mystery. Then one fine day he just stopped calling me and only reply when I texted him he was still being sweet but I discovered he went on a relationship with another gal!!! I saw his facebook. I confronted him and he said becos I was very quiet on him n he thought I wasn't interested :(... how cld he just assume like tat??? Why didn't he call or approach me n asked wats wrong? He just mistaken my silence as I was dating someone else. N less than 3 mths of knowin tat gal I just found out he married her whereas I and him kw each other for 1 year. He is a decent guy but is it becos I acted unavailable n mystery that he just gave up on me? But if he was really interested in me shldnt he call me up n asked me why I was silent? I am sad cos I think I have lost a gd catch..he is rich n educated but he is always on the run to settle down quickly thats y I was very careful with him.

Single gal; February 17, 2014 at 8:48 PM
Lonely Flame said...: Mirror, Mirror,

My ex dumped me 9 days after proposing to me for my birthday. I still wear the ring. He knows, but hasn't asked or told me to remove it. We have been talking almost constantly since the day we broke up, and started making plans to work things out. After I told him I was moving, he suddenly decided to move to a town less than 100 miles from where I went. The bad part was, he started a "relationship" with a woman he can't stand physically or otherwise, in order to do this. Her brother got him a job.

In the last month or so, he's been displaying signs that tell me he's not happy there: sick more often than not, injuries at work, withdrawing from people around him, he's even slowed WAY down on his online activities.

I'm moving again, and offered to go get him and take him with me. He keeps saying he likes where he is, he likes his job. It's funny, he likes where he is, but he basically stays in his room when he's not at work, from what he's told me. He likes his job, but he told me his job sucks. There are few public signs that he's even with this woman (still single on Facebook, no pictures of the two of them together on his profiles or hers, she's flirting with others, and he's still talking to me secretly).

He knows I save EVERYTHING: e-mails, conversation histories, pictures and I take screenshots. He claims that the only reason he's still talking to me is to ensure that I won't show these things to the "girlfriend" or anyone else. My gut feelings where he is concerned are always right, without fail. They are telling me that he isn't happy there, he isn't happy with her, but he IS scared that if he goes with me, that he won't find a job (moving to a HUGE city would increase employment opportunities), and that we will start fighting like we did when he broke up with me. I offered him a 90 day period to work on things with me, and if, at the end of that time things aren't working out, I would pay for him to go wherever he wants. I even gave him my future roommate's number and suggested my ex call the man and talk to him. But he's being STUBBORN.

He bounces back and forth between begging me not to 'expose' him, and telling me to 'do my worst', so that he can 'disappear from existence'. That last phrase scares me. I know that he has psychological issues that haven't been addressed due to his past, and I'm okay with it because I went through it with him. But now, I'm scared he might attempt to do something 'stupid' (suicide or self-harm). I know if he's thinking about suicide, that he's NOT happy, and I want to get him out of there. The offer that my future roomie has extended to him would provide us both with a much better life than what we each have, plus he has friends who would be willing to help.

I know we're Twin Flames, we have actually taken a break once for a few months, broke up for a few months, got back together for a few months, broke up again for a couple of months, got back together for several months, then broke up again and have been apart this time for about 5 and a half months.

What can I do or say in this situation? If I mention him seeking therapy, he will tell me that he doesn't need or want it, and will repeat the same broken record stuff (I'm happy where I am, I like my job). It's almost as if he's more trying to convince himself of this than he is trying to convince me, and he knows I see right through it. I'm scared for him. I love him very much, and I miss him terribly. I've actually tried talking to other guys, but I push them away because I don't want them.

Help... please?; February 18, 2014 at 1:19 AM
wiseowl said...: Mr Aries and I dated for a few months one year ago....but I grew weary of his games and things were not moving forward. For example we were going to have our first sleep over and he didnt turn up! At about date 9 as you have advised....he hung around till then so i believed he had vood intentions. Then nothing! Poof.
About 4 months ago I contacted him to ask for a meet over coffee to catch up- it took him 4 weeks to respond, and we had a good talk and he said he still liked me very much but felt that he couldnt give me what i wanted at this time in my life. We were still very much attracted to each other. Now after a year of our initial meeting from an online dating site he has sent me a request for contact on the same site.
7
Whats with this guy...he has my private email, my phone number, knows where I live, we are past online dating chats....Im tired of his games and stalling. Yes I still really
like him, so now what? Im not going to respond via the website....should I wait for some more personal contact? I have moved on and have planned an overseas trip and dating others, and generally having fun, but gosh I still long for him.; February 18, 2014 at 7:17 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Single Gal,
"You were sayin that the NC rule will actually work n always be unavailable to a guy."

Actually no dear, that's not what I'm saying. There are no guarantees in life and NC is not a guarantee. It all depends on the level of the man's interest in you. Interested men will resurface, men that are not genuinely interested will not.

Additionally, NC is to be used in situations where you are being treated poorly and being taken for granted by men or they've broken up with you. You do not use NC on good men who treat you well.

"But I don't think all guys will still come back to you if u ignore or dun return their calls."

There are very specific scenarios in this article for when to use NC: When a man suddenly disappears on you, when you want to make one last attempt to get your ex back, and to get over a man after a breakup - that's it. I am NOT suggesting here that NC be used on good men who are treating you well.

"I did follow the NC rule, this gentleman was really into me..bring mw to lavish dinners n treated me well"

Why would you use NC on a man that was treating you well and in a situation where he was being respectful and everything was going well?

"how cld he just assume like tat?"

Because that's what NC does dear - it sends a message - but the message is meant for men who are NOT treating you well or who have broken up with you. Again, it is not meant to be used against good men. I listed very specific situations in the article for when to use it.

"He is a decent guy but is it becos I acted unavailable n mystery that he just gave up on me?"

Playing hard to get is one thing dear, but NC is another. NC is severe - and again, is meant to be used against men that are 1) disappearing on you, 2) have broken up with you or 3) are taking you for granted. It is not meant to be used on good men.; February 18, 2014 at 8:11 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lonely Flame,
"I'm moving again, and offered to go get him and take him with me"

Don't do that dear. You want a man that can stand on his own two feet, not one that you have to tote around like a piece of luggage ya' know? He's a grown man, an adult - and he should be able to support himself and not need to use women to house him.

"I would pay for him to go wherever he wants."

What? Honey, he is NOT your child. And if he needs a mother, do you really want to be that for him? Wouldn't you rather be an equal instead?

"I know if he's thinking about suicide, that he's NOT happy, and I want to get him out of there."

You're way too willing to take him and his problems on as your own dear - you're willing to take him on as a "project" of sorts, with a 90 day probation period. That's not a relationship dear, that's not how they should begin. That's creating a co-dependent situation (HE is dependent upon YOU) and those situations are negative and do not create an atmosphere that is conducive to letting a healthy relationship flourish and grow.

"we have actually taken a break once for a few months, broke up for a few months, got back together for a few months, broke up again for a couple of months, got back together for several months, then broke up again and have been apart this time for about 5 and a half months."

Exactly dear- he's your ex for a REASON. And the reason is because it didn't work. Not just once, but several times. And offering to take him on in this situation is basically showing a willingness from you to walk right back into that situation all over again - for like a fourth time. If you try something three or four times and it always ends the same, then you need to accept the reality of the situation and release the "fantasy" that will never be, ya' know?

The definition of insanity dear is doing the same thing over and over and over again - and expecting different results. Don't drive yourself insane here. Accept that you've given this more than one chance and it simply isn't a match, it's not meant to be :-(

"What can I do or say in this situation?"

Here's what you can do: http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html; February 18, 2014 at 8:22 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @WiseOwl,
"Whats with this guy"

Well clearly dear, he's not really seeking a relationship right now. Which is pretty much what he said when he said, "felt that he couldnt give me what i wanted at this time in my life." That's code for "I don't want a relationship at this time" :-(

"Yes I still really like him, so now what?"

There's nothing you can do dear, except decide to move on and walk away: http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html

If a man isn't willing to make you happy and fulfill your needs, regretfully, there's nothing that can be done to change that. You can't control others dear, you can't make them love you or want to be with you - you can only control your reaction to them, ya' know?; February 18, 2014 at 8:28 AM
Unknown said...: Hi,
I went out with this guy one time and had a great time, but I do sense he is a player and has a big ego. Anyhow he contacted me right after the date but never told me he had a good time. However, he would always intiate contact but messages me dumb things almost like status updates, jokes. It's been 3 weeks and he didn't ask me for a second date and no improvement in the types of messages. So one day I just ignored him and didn't reply back to him. It has been 3 weeks now none of us messaged the other. I want him and my friends are telling me to message him a how are you text, since he was the last to message. should I do that ??? my current approach is teasing him on facebook since we are friends there. I put pictures of myself and have friends mainly guys comment ( just began using this approach for two days) but I can't overdo it I know . Please tell me what you think I should do. I really like this guy; February 18, 2014 at 2:37 PM
wiseowl said...: Yes I know you are right...just because there is a wow attraction and we enjoy each others company is not enough reason to be together...I wont be replying to his contact request. I have moved on and im ok. You are so correct in that they re-appear again after so may months..even up to a year later. Lifes too short!
Thanks and bye the way hello to you and have a wonderful year MOA; February 19, 2014 at 6:06 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sandra,
"since he was the last to message. should I do that ?"

Why contact a man that 1) wasn't making you happy 2) didn't care to make you happy 2) never bothered to ask for a second date? At that point dear, dating him wasn't fun. He wasn't taking anymore action and he wasn't even bothering to call or hold real conversations with you to get to know you, so why bother?

You can pursue him (I don't suggest it but you have free will and are free to do as you please), but if you do - know this. You will NOT be able to tell if this guy really likes you or not. If YOU pursue HIM, you're never going to know whether or not he's genuinely interested. And also know that he WILL sleep with you, even if he doesn't want a relationship with you he will still sleep with you...and then he'll disappear because he may not have been genuinely interested in the first place, ya' know?

I don't suggest pursuing men for the reasons above - it simply makes it way to easy for them to use you and then dispose of you. Instead, I suggest that you only date men who are genuinely interested in you. Men who pursue YOU, men who ask YOU out, men who make time for you, men who call you and men who make an effort to get to know you. Because men who don't do that dear, either aren't genuinely interested or are lazy players that will use you if you permit them to :-(; February 19, 2014 at 6:57 AM
Anonymous said...: we have been dating for over a year. He always contacts me when I leave. He is a really good guy, n I am a person who constantly leaves when arguments or fights happen, n then he contacts me to fix things, n we eventually do. He is the person that gives the most in the relationship.

We usually fight, I leave, he contacts me, he works on trying to fix it, then we fix it.
In november we had a horrible fight, where things were supposed to end afterwards, but it didnt, we talked again immediately n kept on fighting of n on for about 2 weeks, then another fight where he started acting a bit like a jerk, n then in December I brought him to talk n gave him n told him that he cant transform into a loser with me n that we either end things now or we go on better. Then he became as good as he used to be, n then another fight happened but we solved it after the same night it happened though it was dramatic.
Then things went back again to being really good.
Our last fight happened after great emotional time of celebrating new years eve n the days afterwards, then at a certain point of the night we had a fight, I wanted to leave, n he just let me.
Then we didnt contact each other for 2 weeks, he usually celebrate weekly anniversaries with me on Thursdays, its when we met .. He didnt contact me the first Thursday, n that was horrible for me, n then on Saturday he posted a pic of him on FB partying with his friends. Then after few days he updated his status that "if you do whatever, you get whatever" .. I waited till the 2nd Thursday n then I removed him from fb, 10 minutes later he messaged me a negative message saying "Good job, tough girl" n I responded after 3 hours with his previous status "Well, if you do whatever you get whatever", that was Jan 17th, 34 days we didnt contact each other. Today he updated his fb status that “when the wrong people leave your life, good things start to happen.” n lately he has been posting several pictures of him running n with friends.
Sounds like he is using the no contact rule. How can we change things? I am too shocked he managed to last this long, not seeing me or contacting me. The longest we didnt speak was a week. This is a dramatic escalation ..; February 20, 2014 at 11:28 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 20, 11:28 PM,
Sometimes dear, space and time does people good. It gives you the time to reflect on any mistakes made, things said in haste, and it gives you time to "find yourself" again. And sometimes, the reality is eventually reached that things just weren't working dear.

"In november we had a horrible fight"

"kept on fighting of n on for about 2 weeks"

"then another fight"

"then another fight happened"

"Our last fight happened"

This was not a healthy relationship dear, it was full of turmoil and "ups and downs" and it was deteriorating fast. As much as we hate to accept it dear, people become our exes for a reason. And that reason is because it simply wasn't working. In order to change things, two people have to want to do that, and it doesn't sound to me like he's open to that right now. He still sounds angry and hurt over what happened. He may need more space and time. I'd give him more of that before you decide to apologize and/or touch base, otherwise, it'll just be another fight.

In the meantime, move on as best you can. Try to understand his side of things here and try to understand that things happen for a reason dear - this relationship was deteriorating. Give things enough space and time to settle down, let the smoke clear, and try to move on for now.; February 22, 2014 at 8:36 AM
Anonymous said...: Am Jessi The Anonymous responded to in Feb 22nd

So you think this is the end of it? next to the day he updated that negative status, he shared a part of a poem talking about how a man is putting up excuses of why his lady didnt contact him, tat sounded like he was just waiting for me to contact him.
I frankly can't bring myself to contact him even if I wanted to, in my head this would be teaching him that its ok to ignore me n to be mean to me n that I will just come back.
n at the same time it is so hard to give things more time, it has already been over a month, n its a killer.
I know that I only mentioned the fights, but I did so because I wanted to give you a clue of the fights that we had.
But the fact is, we never actually broke up before, even this time we didnt even talk to end things, the longest we stayed not in contact was 3 days when we fight, n when things were good, they were really great n special.
n I am worried, because I need a closure for myself to move on, n to have that closure, I would have to contact him, n I dont even want to do that, n even I did I wouldnt be nice in ending things, because obviously I am angry about how things are.
n Then if I move on without anything, n he comes back next month or the after. It would be too late for me, n what would I benefit from that, my feelings for him would be gone.
I am just too confused.
How can we trigger anything to actually happen. All I want now is ust for anything to happen. Whether an ending or not. There should be talking about this.

Am sorry if I sound weird, but I am frustrated. n I want this dramatic phase to just end.

Jessi; February 22, 2014 at 10:15 PM
Anonymous said...: Can you thank him via text if he sends you a gift during NC? It's been 8 days since I started. He hasn't called or texted. This morning however, he sent me a gift.; February 23, 2014 at 12:25 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Jessi,
"So you think this is the end of it?"

I can't answer that dear, only time will tell.

"I need a closure for myself to move on, n to have that closure, I would have to contact him"

You have free will and you are free to do as you please.

"Then if I move on without anything, n he comes back next month or the after. It would be too late for me, n what would I benefit from that, my feelings for him would be gone."

That IS the benefit of moving on dear - detaching emotionally (no more feelings) and moving forward (into the future).

"How can we trigger anything to actually happen."

You can't control others dear. You can't make them love you and you can't make them want to be in a relationship with you: http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html

"There should be talking about this."

As I stated above, you have free will dear and that means that you're free to do as you please.; February 24, 2014 at 11:55 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 23, 12:25 PM,
"Can you thank him via text if he sends you a gift during NC?"

You have free will dear and as a result, you're free to do anything you like. But realize this, NC requires a 30 day commitment. If you break NC at this point, you're breaking your commitment to yourself and you're also signaling to the man that if he screws up and treats you poorly. . .all it takes to get back into your good graces is a material item - a gift.

Gifts are thoughtful - but apologies mean more.

And when a man realizes gifts easily get him back in the door, this tendency can create what is often referred to as "guilt gifts." Meaning, everytime the man feels guilty, he buys a gift. And those types of gifts actually have a lot of negativity attached to them because they're being purchased for all the wrong reasons.

Guilt is then attached to those gifts when things reach that point, instead of good positive emotions :-(; February 24, 2014 at 12:00 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi! So I have been friends with a guy for about a year, and I started liking him in the fall. He would initiate almost all contact with me, and he seemed genuinely interested in me. He started talking to me almost every day and would flirt with me a lot. We had fun when we hung out, but he never asked me on a date. He is very shy, so I guess I thought it would be okay to be a little forward. After all, he kept trying to talk to me all of the time and seemed really genuinely interested in me and would always tell me about how he was shy and bad at dating. Anyways, he teased me once about kissing me, so I said well, why don't you take me on a date and kiss me? I know that was forward, but I had been waiting for so long to be asked out by him and I still thought he was just being shy about it that I thought it was okay. After all, I kind of justified it by the fact that he had still been talking to me every day and had talked about kissing me. I wanted to make sure he wanted to treat me with respect.

Well, he told me that he could take me out on a date and have a fun time and kiss me, but because he is in med school, he doesn't have time and is not willing to make time to pursue anything with anyone. He basically said that he knew I wasn't the type to want to have a casual hookup or date but that was all he could offer. I was super upset and didn't reply. After all, why would he try to talk to me so much if all he wanted was a hook up? He apologized after I didn't reply, but I still didn't say anything. Three days later, he tried to apologize again, and I still didn't say anything. Two days after that, he said that he knew I was pissed at him and that he was sorry. He said that if I still wanted to be friends, he would love that. I almost didn't reply, but I didn't want to seem like I was super mad or crazy, so I just said "just don't worry about it...no big deal," even though it is a big deal and I'm really hurt! All he said was "ok then." So I haven't talked to him since then, and it's only been a few days. I know I should just move on if he says he can't commit to anything right now, but I just don't understand why he would invest so much time and effort into me and try to talk to me so much and think so highly of me if all he wanted was a hook up. I feel like guys that just want hook ups don't spend time talking to the girl they are wanting to hook up with all the time. Do I just let it go, even if I feel as if he does care somewhat? Will the no-contact rule help? Is it bad to use the no-contact rule if he probably just thinks I am mad and upset at him? I don't want him to think I'm obsessed with him and really hurt. Thanks for your help.

Chrissy; February 24, 2014 at 4:58 PM
Anonymous said...: What should you do if your ex boyfriend initiates contact after NC, and is very polite and sends a valentines day message but not expressing any emotions?
I replied to all messages very neutrally, but now hes disappeared. Do i contact him or wait for him to contact again?
Thanks :); February 24, 2014 at 8:30 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 24, 8:30 PM,
"What should you do if your ex boyfriend initiates contact after NC"

DURING the 30 day NC period? Or AFTER? If it's DURING, then you don't respond, you stick to NC for the 30 day time frame.

If it's AFTER the 30 days have ended, then it is what it is dear. If he doesn't step up his efforts, you have your answer...he's not genuinely interested :-( You don't try harder to win him over, you accept the reality that lays before you and you move on and take control of your own happiness.

You don't sit around waiting for a man to pick you and you don't base your decision about a man...based on HIS decision about you. Instead, you accept that you cannot do anything to make a man love you or want to be with you and you take control of your own happiness:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html; February 25, 2014 at 5:58 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Chrissy,
"I kind of justified it by the fact that he had still been talking to me every day and had talked about kissing me"

While I do understand that dear, here's the reality. When you do that, you risk walking right into a situation where you can be used. Just because a man fantasizes about kissing you does NOT mean he wants a relationship with you. It could simply mean he's curious and wants to SLEEP with you. And when you open yourself up to that, many times, that's exactly what they'll do...sleep with you a few times and then disappear, having satisfied their curiosity.

"he doesn't have time and is not willing to make time to pursue anything with anyone"

Translation: He does NOT want a relationship. He will date you, kiss you, maybe even sleep with you...but he does not want a relationship :-(

"why would he try to talk to me so much if all he wanted was a hook up?"

Because he wanted to hookup dear - that's why - he wanted sex ;-)

"I just don't understand why he would invest so much time and effort into me and try to talk to me so much and think so highly of me if all he wanted was a hook up."

Honey, you need to understand men and how they operate and what their needs are and what motivates them. Men are NOT women. They do not want what women want, many times, they simply want to satisfy sexual urges and desires and they WILL go to great lengths to do just that.

"I feel like guys that just want hook ups don't spend time talking to the girl they are wanting to hook up with all the time."

True, most hard core players will drop like flies at the first sign of needing to "work" for something, LOL. But you also have men who are "opportunistic" about sex. They don't go seeking it out like hard core players do, but when a woman falls into their lap and/or signals that she's willing to make herself available to him...yea, sometimes even relatively good men who don't seek out sex like hard core players do still go for it, ya' know?

"Do I just let it go, even if I feel as if he does care somewhat?"

You have no choice dear, you have to let it go. Well, you don't have to - you can always beat your head against the wall trying to convince a man that you're a great person and that he needs to be in a relationship...but we all know how that story ends, ya' know?

"Will the no-contact rule help?"

Will it help YOU to detach from him and move on? Yep, sure will. Will it help you to convince this man to enter into a relationship with you? No, not unless he's a genuinely interested man that's READY for a relationship.

"Is it bad to use the no-contact rule if he probably just thinks I am mad and upset at him?"

Doing things to protect yourself and look out for yourself are NEVER "bad" things dear.

"I don't want him to think I'm obsessed with him and really hurt."

There's no reason to be hurt dear. When someone's not ready or looking for a relationship, that has nothing to do with you. It's simply their personal choice is all. Don't sit around waiting for him to "pick" you dear. He's made himself clear there. Instead, take control of your own happiness:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html; February 25, 2014 at 6:10 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

After months of being treated poorly and discarded for another woman I initiated contact w my DM and unleashed on him the other night. I said some pretty awful things that I regret but it spewed like venom after keeping it all inside for a long time. I told him he was a liar, cheater and disrespectful. His reply: Do you really expect me to reply to beratement? I'll pass.

I feel like a fool because he turned the tables and made me look like the crazy one. Its just not cool. He can never take accountability for any of his actions. Its crazy making and mind effery. As much as I would like to be with him or perhaps the fantasy or potential of what he COULD BE I realize now there is no turning back. I have a chronic illness and he feigns concern by asking are you ok, do you need anything (to make himself feel better) and I reply NO bc whats the point? if he was really concerned he would make a point to see me and stop by just as I would for someone I cared about and wasn't feeling well.

Should I apologize for hitting below the belt in anger and frustration or just leave it alone and let this go?

- Feeling Stupid; March 3, 2014 at 8:51 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Feeling Stupid,
"I feel like a fool because he turned the tables and made me look like the crazy one."

That's the reason I don't advocate confrontations with these men dear - they're master manipulators and when you do that, you basically hand them an excuse to label you "crazy" ya' know? Don't give them that satisfaction.

"Should I apologize for hitting below the belt in anger and frustration"

Absolutely NOT. Who care what a guy like this thinks of you? HE should be worried about what YOU think of him, yet he is not. He's treated you poorly and disappeared without explanation - you owe him NOTHING and he deserves no apology. Do not apologize to men who treat you poorly. If you do, all you do is validate that THEY were RIGHT and YOU were WRONG. When the reality is that they treated you poorly and by doing so, they brought out the worst in you...meaning, the entire situation was his fault because of how he treated you.

As a result - he does not get an apology for that. If he doesn't like how you acted, then he shouldn't have treated you poorly and taken you for granted in the first place. Do not validate his behavior by granting him an apology.; March 3, 2014 at 3:07 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

I'm hoping this thread is still active as I am in need for some critical advice. So here goes:
My bf and I have been dating in a LDR for 10 months. We met online and instantly became inseparable. We started dating May '13 and after 3 months of dating that July he flew down to finally meet me (I live in FL) Things were great and we were madly in love. After the summer we both went back to school so we weren't able to see each other again till winter break, and we decided I would fly to him (he lives in CA) to meet his family. Unfortunately, 10 days before I was supposed to leave, and on his birthday no less, I had a major bipolar moment and completely went off on him. I told him I didn't want to come see him anymore. We didn't talk for the rest of the day, at all. Then finally the next morning when I finally had a chance to calm down I tried to reach out to him to apologize but he wouldn't return any of my phone calls or texts. I even sent him a message on Facebook. Panicking, I called the airline and found out that he cancelled my flight. I was so mad and hurt at the same time. I understood I said I didn't want to come see him but I told him many times in our relationship when I'm in that kind of mood that I say things I don't mean and not to act upon them, at the same time we had both been saving up for this trip and planned it all out and he knew how much it meant to our relationship. Finally after 5 days, he wrote me back on FB saying that he couldn't be with me anymore, after 6 hours of messaging back and forth we finally talked it all out and he agreed to give me another chance.

~Floridagirl5; March 13, 2014 at 3:46 PM
Anonymous said...: CONT....~Floridagirl5

Things followed at their normal pace until January when we decided that we wanted to see each other again. So at the end of January, he flew down again to stay for an extended weekend. We laughed, kissed, cuddled, had sex, watched movies, played games, and went out to dinner for our 10 month anniversary. We cried at the airport together when he was leaving and made arrangements to see each other for spring break. We even sent each other Valentine's day cards :) However, a few days after that he called me on a Sunday afternoon to tell me that he couldn't be with me anymore. That our lives were going in different directions and that we should both move on. That our connection was nothing more than our destiny's entwined but not combined. What kind of crap is that?!? And here 2 days ago you sent me a Valentines day card telling me, that your the luckiest man alive, and I have given you something you've never had before , and that you couldn't imagine your life without me, and how I have your heart forever. He just went on and on to tell me that I just didn't understand him anymore and that he has changed but I have failed to do so. And that he loves me and I will always be his greatest treasure but he just couldn't do this anymore. After a few days of going back and forth, he just stopped replying all together. In a frenzy of panic, I kept texting him saying anything I could to get him to respond. But just silence. It's almost been a month since he's last said anything to me. Finally, I decided to go online into a friends account, lets called him Sam. I messaged him pretending I was Sam asking me why he wouldn't talk to me. He just said that he was tired of my controlling manipulative ways and he just couldn't live a life in a relationship like that were he has no personal space or time and felt suffocated. He said that he was tired of given me chances, and being continually let down and disappointed. "Enough is enough", he said. I tried to convince him that I learned my lesson and he just said, "I was with her for 10 months, shes not the changing type." I asked him if he could please try, and he said "I can, but I won't." And that was the end of that conversation. I felt like he opened up more having him think he was talking to somebody else. But then it hit me, he was right. I was controlling. I told him who he can and cannot talk to. I told him where he can and cannot go, if he could hang out with his friends or when he couldn't. It was basically all about me 24/7. No wonder the guy felt suffocated. I was controlling, jealous, needy, selfish, etc. So I texted him some more telling him that I was sorry, and that I can change and for him to give me another chance. Still nothing. The last text I sent him was on Saturday. I have no idea what to think anymore. So my questions to you are:
1) Do you think he is testing me? To see if I really can change or not? Or does he really just need his space and personal time back?
2) Have I already screwed up my chances of him coming back by texting him and not immediately doing NC?
3) Is it too late to start NC and still have a chance?
4) THE MAIN QUESTION: Do you think he will come back?

Please any advice/help you can give would be greatly appreciated. I just need someone else point of view on this instead of mine cause I'm driving myself crazy. Thank YOU MOA. Ps. He is a Sag and I am a Taurus.

~ Floridagirl5; March 13, 2014 at 3:46 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Floridagirl5,
"I told him many times in our relationship when I'm in that kind of mood that I say things I don't mean"

I realize that dear, I understand that. But here's the thing....WE have to be accountable and responsible for OUR OWN ACTIONS. So if you're like that and you know that about yourself, then you have to either accept the consequences that result from it....or you have to teach yourself skills of self-discipline and self-control and you have to learn to work through your emotions in healthy ways. No one is going to tolerate that from another individual dear - so you have to learn how to be your best self if you want someone to love you and be with you, ya' know?

"Do you think he is testing me? To see if I really can change or not? Or does he really just need his space and personal time back?"

I think he's taking space dear.

"Is it too late to start NC and still have a chance?"

No contact will work for YOU either way. It will help you to detach emotionally from him in order to move on dear. Whether or not it brings the man back depends on the man and how strongly he feels for you - some feel strongly, some don't. But either way, NC will help YOU to detach and move on.

"Do you think he will come back?"

There's no way to answer that dear - only time will tell.

I think you need to start thinking about the future dear, your future, with or without him...and you need to move on :-( Your destiny is not tied to this man and he has no real bearing on your future. He's now in your past and the sooner you accept that...the sooner you'll be able to move forward and embrace your future :-); March 14, 2014 at 8:55 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 13, 7:40 PM,
"if he texts me, say, late at night (kind of like a booty call text, though we are not sexually involved, it's just making out) anytime this weekend, instead of asking me on a proper date, I just want to know how I should deal with such a text(because I'm not going to take him up on it) while still keeping him interested enough to ask me on a proper date maybe sometime in the future."

You simply say something to the effect of, "I'd love to, however, I've already made plans. But I am available (give a day 3 days from then, say Saturday) at (give a time, say 7PM). We can go to dinner if you like."

That way, while you're saying no...you're also saying yes...to a properly planned date.

"Like should I respond to a booty call text days later, the next day, not at all?"

You don't make yourself available to him for those. You respond as provided above and instead, you set proper dates and signal your availability for them. If he balks at that and/or disappears and doesn't take you up on the offer...then you have your answer - he doesn't want a relationship, he wants a "hookup" arrangement instead - and you move on. If he signals it's not a relationship he wants, then you move on. You don't stay and try to change his mind because you won't be able to do that anyway. And you don't try to talk to him about it, because that only gives him the opportunity to lie to you and string you along by telling you what you want to hear while he does what he wants anyway. Instead, you simply accept the REALITY of what is, and you let go of the FANTASY of what could be...and you move on dear, to find a man that wants what you want :-); March 14, 2014 at 9:02 AM
Anonymous said...: Hey Mirror,

Thanks for responding to my question, but I'm a little confused. If I say something along the lines of what you told me:
"I'd love to, however, I've already made plans. But I am available (give a day 3 days from then, say Saturday) at (give a time, say 7PM). We can go to dinner if you like."

Wouldn't I technically be asking HIM out again?; March 14, 2014 at 4:39 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous March 14, 4:39PM,
Not if HE initiates and texts you first as you had stated "if he texts me, say, late at night"...at that point, you're simply responding with a firm date and time is all :-); March 14, 2014 at 5:32 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA!

To make a long story short, my ex-boyfriend and I met when I was 19 years old. We have a lot of history as now I am in my late 20's (he is in his early 30's). So basically we have known each other for for around 10 years, but dated for 3 years then we broke up. After the break up we still acted like a couple even though we were broken up. We talked everyday and would still see each other when we could (we were long distance). We had a pattern where we'd stop talking for a couple months if we got in a terrible screaming match at each other, then one of us would give in and contact the other person a couple weeks or months later and reconnect. We've had our ups and down, but throughout it all we have love for each other. Recently, we got into a TERRIBLE argument, but made up a few days later (or so I thought!). Out of no where he states he just wants to move on for good. I was heartbroken! Just a few days prior to this "out of nowhere statement" he was flirting with me like crazy. I became the bitter girl where I was talking out of anger when I should have left with dignity. Anywhoo, he kept saying things like how he just wanted to move on even though it would be hard for him and that I can find someone way better than him. He even admitted that he won't find a girl like me,that I am a good woman and that he still loves me, but we aren't "meant for each other". Why would he give up a good woman and degrade himself by saying I can find someone way better than him? (is this just the reverse psychology crap of "It's me, not you" BS?)

So that I could retain what little dignity I had left, I decided to just let it be and stop trying to contact him. It's going on a month of NO CONTACT. I have been more socially active, joined a gym, etc. to know that life still moves on without him, but as much as I do stay active, there are some days that I just want to pick up the phone to see how he is doing. Do you think he will come back like he has before? Or that now that he is getting older he really does just want to move on b/c we're so "off and on"? Also, why would he keep saying multiple times that I can find someone way better than him? Is his ego bruised as a man?

SIDE BAR (May or May not be relevant to the story): He is in his early 30's, still lives with his grandmother, has a dead end job, bad credit, not financially stable, still lives in his hometown that he hates and has made poor life choices (but I've always been there to support him). On the positive side, he has always supported me through my college education, career changes and re-locations to different cities/states. He makes me laugh and is one of the few people who makes me feel so comfortable and I can be myself around.

-Conflicted & Confused; March 14, 2014 at 8:49 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you MOA for your response and advice it was really appreciated. I understand that I must accept the consequences for how I acted. I don't blame him for feeling that way, however I do think that what he is doing is very unconventional. (dont know if thats the right word but all well) Im 25, and he's 21 so I'm more the type of person that wants to talk things out. Maybe that's just us women. But I dont appreciate being ignored when I'm trying to communicate. Maybe thats just men LOL. But I have read a many blogs and they all say the same thing. Men are different then women. They feel things differently, and process things differently. Each blog says Men need their space and they need their time, and to use NC to bring them back. You have said a many words of wisdom including if they are interested they will come back and pursue US.

I've been chasing him since he called things off almost a month ago. And it took me till last Saturday so realize I'm not chasing him anymore. I said what I needed to say and now the rest is up to him. It's been 7 days NC and I havent said anything to him. I'm gonna do what you said and give him his space. Which is ridiculous cause I have said that I have changed but whatever. Men are stubborn, but i'm trying to show him through actions then words but he wont give me another damn chance. He says that he's just to afraid of getting hurt and disappointed again. Which I dont blame him but this is life. your gonna get disappointed and hurt. But I was reading through our past conversations and I should have realized the signs he was trying to show me. I should have read between the lines. He was feeling like this for a while...and maybe if I wasnt too selfish I could have caught on sooner and this wouldnt have had to happen. I really do hope he comes back, im gonna stick to the 30 days NC and give an update as to what happens at the 30 days mark. I know everyone is different and he may not immediately come back at 30 days but I hope he gives me another chance. I know you should I should probably move on but its not that simple. Its because I genuinely do love him, and I feel like since this was my mistake I need to fix it. And I dont want to carry this burden and guilt with the rest of my life if he doesnt give me another chance. Thats what scares me the most. I hope he comes around and your right that all he needs right now is space and thats all it is. I would be devastated if I lost him and we could have worked it out.

~ Floridagirl5; March 14, 2014 at 10:54 PM
Anonymous said...: Hey MOA, hope you are well. First of all just wanted to say that I have been reading your blog on a regular basis for a year now, and really just wanted to thank you for all the work you put in here, elevating women and just giving their sense of self-love back. You seem so blessed and your happiness truly shines through your writing, you are really an inspiration for a young girl like me <3
As for me, I'm 21 yrs old from London. I am well versed on the No-Contact rule since I have been reading about it for about a year now, I never thought I'd ever have to use it (Naive little me) but here I am LOL.

My situation stands as this, I have been in an on and off relationship with my boyfriend for 1 year now, it has been on and off because we have broken up about 5 times during the year, suffice to say the relationship stands on really wishy washy foundations, where we'll break up for weeks just make up and then break up...over and over again. It's Infact happening now, we have broken up again (both our idea). I still want this relationship and want to give it one last try for the last time so I have gone into NC for 3 days now since our break up.

The problem here is MOA that even though I know it's the right thing to do, going into NC is scaring the hell out of me, previously when we've broken up, I never used NC for fear that he might give up on trying to get me back or that by the end of my NC he'Ll have gotten over me, this is the 1st time in all our 6 break ups that I am doing NC on him, he has texted me that he wants to be with me last night, normally I'd be talkin to him right now as just friends but this time I haven't replied as it's only day 3 of NC, I know this is new for him and it's new for me too. I just really need you to reassure me that I'm doing the best thing for my relationship MOA, I'm just so sick of us breaking up and making up so much, I want to put a stop to it and think this is the only way I'll put that fire back in his gut and make him think I'm really gone...reassure me please anyone lool.

-LondonBaybeh; March 16, 2014 at 1:06 PM
Confused and upset said...: hi

if you were online dating a guy for 5 months and never met personally ( live 500 miles apart) yet, despite him saying he wants to meet but never giving a time or date only says " very soon" then he is not serious about the relation, right? I got frustrated one day and asked him to decide on a date to meet and pushed him to meet on a bus. trip he had for a nearby city, he reluctantly agreed and told me he will check his schedule and get back to me.( first he mentioned why he has to come and meet me, why i do not comeinstead, but i replied because he is the man, then he said ok he will try to fit in his trip. it was again surprising as he told me before that he is a macho man and likes to lead!)
but since that call he never called me back or text like he would normally do on a daily basis. i have not contacted him either ( it has been two weeks now since this call, except i forwarded an email i received on women day this march that asks the receipient to name women that influenced him/her and he did not reply) ofcourse i feel bad as to me this meant not being serious, and that when i cornered him for a face to face meeting, he just did not call back! or this is normal now that i am reading your blog about men leading?
I cornered him for meeting because he has been saying that he wanted to see me several times and never really set a date for this saying he is busy and have no time?! ( which i am sure not true, he could find a day to come and visit, we are only 500 miles away) . it is confusing because we had, explicity said we are bioth attracted to each other, he even indirectly implied that he is falling for me, when i asked him to be more direct, he said he is shy!!!!! we also had discussions about marriage and two weeks before that call he was telling me indirectly that he want to see me and meet my family etc and then if all goes well then we should not wait longer and start serious relation and committment (we are both 43, he is a leo am a cancer). he also emailed saying how happy he is talking to me, and thanking me for "existing and being me" and said he would like to meet me very soon. I did not reply to this email. This was surprising as i was not sure how to read this, is he testing me to see how desperate i am or was he genuine? waht you think? but I only said lets meet and then we will discuss this afterwards.
I travelled for a week after and then when I came back he started to act diffrently, he would could call or text daily, his texts are shorter and he often used the word "hi miss" instead of my name as usual, also his replies are more formal ( like to talking to an acquantance, with words like dear, that you this was nice of you that he is still single and with no children ( when asked how was he after coming back from my trip) etc) , in addition he was not willing to share as before and when i pointed out this, he said ( in an upset tone) that he does not need to share all with me and that sometimes becomes Hermitique a french word for being tight and closed!!!; March 16, 2014 at 7:10 PM
Confused and upset said...: cont. Confused and upset 2

anohter thing that made me thinking is that when i pushed him to meet when he visits the nearby city, he said ,after this meeting the ball will be in my court if i would accept to be with him or not, i asked if there is anything i should know, he said no i know all about him, what you think he meant then?

another point is that , he told me that he is not talking or seeing another woman but me, yet when i cheked the site he is regularly there! he knows that i check his profile but does not say anything. and do not mention it either.

what you think? did i make the lead mistake, or is this guy really a talker not serious and i should forget about him? another question: does the fact he did not call or text even to mention that he wants to break up means he just want time using the NC rule or is he really off?

another question: we shared photos, i am considering to forget about him and not wait for him to call back (assuming he is playing the NC game to start with), and thus was thinking of texting him to tell him it is over, not to contact me again and that asking him to get rid of the photos, is this (1- the msg to break up, 2- the photos deletion) ok to do ? or not?

please advice ?

I hope what i wrote is clear and not confusing.

P.S. we are both muslims and eastern, thus it is normal in our tradition/culture to committ and even get married after few months especially for first generation (even if we are born and live in western societies), as a matter of fact taking longer is a negative sign of not being serious( unless ther is a valid reason, e.g. financial, being young and students, travel isuues etc) I know this is not the same in the western culture. so it is not strange that we speak of marriage in short time.; March 16, 2014 at 7:11 PM
Confused and upset said...: cont 3 Confused and upset

just wanted to add that in muslim and eastern culture when adults in their fourties, both professional and should know what they want in a life partner , it is expected that you talk of committment and marriage soon Like few months otherwise you are seen as not serious. especially if you are considering having children.; March 16, 2014 at 7:22 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

It's @Feeling Stupid again...

"I feel like a fool because he turned the tables and made me look like the crazy one."

That's the reason I don't advocate confrontations with these men dear - they're master manipulators and when you do that, you basically hand them an excuse to label you "crazy" ya' know? Don't give them that satisfaction.

"Should I apologize for hitting below the belt in anger and frustration"

Absolutely NOT. Who care what a guy like this thinks of you? HE should be worried about what YOU think of him, yet he is not. He's treated you poorly and disappeared without explanation - you owe him NOTHING and he deserves no apology. Do not apologize to men who treat you poorly. If you do, all you do is validate that THEY were RIGHT and YOU were WRONG. When the reality is that they treated you poorly and by doing so, they brought out the worst in you...meaning, the entire situation was his fault because of how he treated you.

As a result - he does not get an apology for that. If he doesn't like how you acted, then he shouldn't have treated you poorly and taken you for granted in the first place. Do not validate his behavior by granting him an apology.

I took your wonderful advice and have not contacted him in 2 weeks, nor has he contacted me. This has been extremely difficult but I know its the right thing to do...to protect myself from further damage here. Some days I wish he would reach becasue its as if i never even existed...he has discarded me like yesterdays garbage. Its an awful feeling.

Everyday of no contact is a struggle for me but it is what it is.; March 17, 2014 at 1:29 PM
Anonymous said...: Too late in my case I think but thought I'd ask anyway.
Met guy, he is 31, I am 32. He pursued me. We both travel for work. 2 weeks after initial meeting and sporadic texts, we have our first date.
Other things I'd like to mention before getting into my qst: He is 31, makes $40k a year but lives with 2 male co-workers. He is a college football coach. His house is NASTY, mismatched furniture that his dog has ate up, gross shower, paperwork/junk laying on entire kitchen counter, and his bedroom decor is boxed wrestling figures lined up on his dressar. On our first date his phone kept vibrating in his pocket, he took it out to silence it, but read the message first and laughed. Showed it to me. It was a groupchat where it read "Hey guys, Alan has a date tonight WITH A GIRL, wish him luck" and everyone was telling him good luck. Makes me think he doesn't date often.
Anyway, had first date, all went well other than the fact that he let me pay for my own meal (he said he would, but I offered and he didn't object). That same night he asked me out for the 2nd date, to be had the very next night. I went and it was a huge group date so I met a ton of his friends.
Initially all was well, he would dote on me, compliment me frequently, send early morning texts, ask to see me often, offer to come see me where I live (we live an hour and 15 minutes apart, I just happen to work in his town), etc.
Then things started to crumble. One night he called me as I was working. I told him I was working. He hung up on me and got pouty and sent a text saying "I'm sorry to bother you" I told him he never bothered me but I was just tied up at the moment.
Another instance is when he called me, I missed the call, and called back but could only hear static. I was very sleepy at the time so I just sent a text saying "Have a good night" rather than call him back. He got pouty about that and asked "Why do you never want to talk to me".
CONTINUED; March 17, 2014 at 3:13 PM
Anonymous said...: So in order to make him feel better, the very next day I started initiating texts. It got to the point where I was the one having to do all the initiating and I grew tired of it within 2 weeks. SO I backed off and let him come to me. He got the hint and took the lead again.
Then things got ugly--due to weather/illness/travel/etc.. we were not able to see each other for 2 weeks. This hitme hard and I missed him. So, this very last week on Tuesday I shot him a text to tell him I would be in his town that night and would love to see him. He told me he thought he would be free. So, I went on to his town and sent a text 2 hours later after my work was done to see if he was free. He never responded so 15 minutes later I called because I was ready to either go home or go to see him. He did not sound happy to hear from me, said he had JUST gotten home. I said "Well, nevermind, you don't sound happy to hear from me". Hell broke lose at that point and he hung up on me. I asked him why he hung up and he said "You always do this-start crap". I asked if I could come over to talk to him, and he let me. He greeted me with a huge hug, I apologized for my behavior, he took me to dinner, opened all doors for me, complimented me, and held me/rubbed on my arms and kissed my forehead when we returned to his house. He thanked me for coming to see him and said he hoped we could see each other later in the week. I told him I was incredibly sorry for pushing him away all these weeks and explained that it is because I have a major wall up and I'm very guarded. He said he forgave me.
2 nights later he texts me to ask if he can see me the next day. I said "yes, absolutely". The next day he texts me at lunch just to say Hi. Around 5 pm I head into his town assuming we still had plans. I tell him at 6 pm that I am in town having dinner with a friend, to let me know when he is free. By 7:15 he said "Are you free". I said "yes, are you". He replied "Almost". I followed up with "Let me know when you are". By 8:00 --NOTHING. So I called him. No answer. So, I texted that I was driving through his town. He said "Come on over then, I am laying in bed.
Continued; March 17, 2014 at 3:20 PM
Anonymous said...: I was LIVID. Here I was thinking the whole time he was at work, but he was at home laying in bed (he does work at the office late often). He said he didn't feel well from his Mexican lunch. He hugged me and we laid down together. I asked him a simple question and he said/snapped "Yes, it that ok with you"? It was very hateful how he said it. I then went to lay down and he informed me that that was HIS side of the bed. Nice to know, after I've stayed over atleast 5 times. So, I moved over to MY side of the bed. He fell asleep. The next morning I left at 7:30 am. Gave him a hug goodbye. He texted me at 11:30 to ask if I made it home ok. I ignored it. By 12:30 he sent a text with a ?. I answered "Yes, I made it home. Hope you are feeling better". He replied "What time did you leave"> I told him 7:30, he replied "Wow, I didn't wake up until 10:00 LOL". 5 hours later I replied "Glad you got to sleep in for once." That was Friday night . Here it is Monday afternoon and I have not heard from him since. He NEVER in the 2 months we have dated, has went a day without talking to me. I finally caved this morning and sent a "Have a good day!" text. It has been 5 hours and he has not responded.
What gives?!
I am not without fault. For 2 months I had my wall up and would push him away by telling him I was too busy to see him certain days, by telling him that none of my friends knew he even exists (after having met all of his friends), one night he said he wanted to hold me and make love to me. I pushed him away by saying I was on my period and he would have to find another girl if that is what he wanted. He said "no, I can wait for you".
He really is a sweet guy and I need to know what to do to fix this.
Another thing to add, he never has been big on texting. He will go hours without responding to me at times, especially while at work, so I really didn't feel all that bad about waiting so long to respond to his last Friday.
Any thoughts/suggestions appreciated!!!!; March 17, 2014 at 3:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @LondonBaybeh,
"I never used NC for fear that he might give up on trying to get me back or that by the end of my NC he'Ll have gotten over me"

If he gives up on you, do you really want to be with a man that will let you go anyway? And if he easily gets over you, do you really want to be with him? Because both of those things signal it's time to move on dear. So instead of fearing them, if they happen, be thankful to finally have the answers so you can rid yourself of being emotionally tied to a man that could care less about you :-)

"I just really need you to reassure me that I'm doing the best thing for my relationship MOA"

This isn't about your relationship dear - this is about something much more important than a man. . .this is about YOU. About standing your ground, about setting boundaries for how you expect to be treated, about finding a man that's willing to fulfill your needs, about not hanging around for years wasting time...this is what's best for YOU dear, and in the end....that's all that matters :-); March 17, 2014 at 5:07 PM
Anonymous said...: @MOA

Hey MOA, its #LondonBaybeh (who was scared to undergo NC on her boyfriend)...You are totally right, the problem is that im too busy thinking about if he'll pursue me, when really I should be thinking about myself and all the better options out there for me.

If anything though i have to say that you were right about appearing mentally strong and destroying the weak portrait a man has of you when you suddenly go NC. My best friend yesterday told me that my BF is totally shocked by my dissappearance, quoting him "I never thought she could ever muster up the courage to ignore me when i texted her, its never happened before, have I actually lost her this time???" HAHA...Its a change appearing strong to him mentally and I am loving every minute of it...No Contact IS the way girls, it is not a myth, the power we emit during this period is REAL and tangible to these men who once took us for granted.

Thank you so much MOA, and I will be back to update ya on my situation if anything else happens haha. XO

~LondonBaybeh; March 18, 2014 at 9:40 AM
Anonymous said...: Thank you Aphrodite. I did this and it worked! However, the same man... Its been a year of speaking and he hasn't asked me out. We talk on the phone and text and email all day long. I really like him. He's implied a million times he likes me without saying it. He's not verbal ay all. He knows I really lile him. I finally after a year got the guts to ask him to hangout sometime. He ignored it, responded 6 hours later with a comment about how he bombed a job interview. He dodged my question. Hea typical 40 year old "leo male" arrogant, self absorbed.. All about his job, money and house. He hasn't asked me out, yet freaks out with jealousy seeing me around other guys, and talks to me all day. Will ignoring him make him finally ask me out? How do I go about dealing with this self absorbed non expressive lazy man? TY so much!!; March 19, 2014 at 8:34 AM
notadoormat said...: Best website ever. Has already saved me a ton more embarrassment. I am getting the disappearing act from my crush at work. We had been texting/emailing and flirting a lot for the past couple of weeks. Up until the other day when he sent a flirty email, I responded in kind, and he decided to go MIA. Feeling like a fool, but I refuse to make contact except for the absolute necessary to maintain professionalism at work. Here is what happened: I emailed him that I would send him some work info. "I will get that right to you--if you're good". And he emailed back, "Always good ;) Like an idiot, without even thinking I fired back and hit send: "Somehow I don't have the slightest bit of doubt about that".. Since then, nothing! I mean, he set himself up for it. Apparently I have embarrassed him or made him feel like I am taking control. I still catch him sneaking glances at me this week, though. We'll see if this works. I would love any advice. This website is so good on so many levels.; March 20, 2014 at 2:59 PM
Anonymous said...: My name is Destiny. Okay so my boyfriend broke up with me he was crying couldn't look me in the eyes and said he still had feelings for his ex (he did this before)...only things didn't workout between them while we were broken-up they didn't date or anything. Well, this time I told him everything's okay held him and assured him that I'll be fine...we talked for what seemed like hours in his car made each other laugh and he was balling the whole time...a few times during our relationship he slipped up saying I love you to me but I never said it back not that I didn't want to it was sorta a mutual thing...But for whatever reason within this moment I told him and he said "I know" not in a serious way we both smiled at the thought and even laughed a bit and he said that he couldn't say it back unless our relationship had lasted longer some sorta promise to himself (or something like that) He asked for one last kiss very agonizing and passionate and then kissed me on the forehead. The whole time he was sorta contradicting himself not sure whether or not he wanted to break-up with me just kept saying he needed to find himself and told me I did nothing wrong and that he didn't understand why he was feeling this way...After sometime I got outta the car and he went to hug me and asked me what I think he should do? I finally cried in his arms said I just wanted to walk until my feet gave out. He said he couldn't let me do that but I told him I'd done it before and it would be best for him to leave...so he did. I left only to have my sister track me down and call him because I didn't care to talk about it...pretty sure she gave him a mouthful. I ended up going to my grams and called to let him know I was okay (my sis too). He told me to be careful and I could hear it in his voice that he was still crying and that his mom was also present. I ended the conversation with goodnight and he said "alright". Next morning I texted him "Just wanted to let you know I will always love you no matter what and I'll be there whenever you need someone to talk to" He responded, "I need to find myself and thanks Destiny I've always appreciated all the kindness you've ever shown me." Since then it's been 11 days and he still hasn't tried to get in contact with me in anyway....My question is have I done everything right? Did my actions somehow push him further away or could I have said or done anything to better my chances of getting him back? first time he broke up said there was no way we were ever getting back together ever yet he came back all on his own...now he says he might come back he's just gotta find himself...; March 25, 2014 at 4:19 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Destiny,
"first time he broke up said there was no way we were ever getting back together ever yet he came back all on his own...now he says he might come back he's just gotta find himself..."

There's an old saying dear:

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Are you really going to go for this from him TWICE and if so, do you honestly think it will yield different results? I mean no disrespect, but seriously, think about that. Things don't work for a reason. And when they don't work twice, there's a reason. Clearly, that reason still exists (he's indecisive and doesn't know what the heck he wants)...and that hasn't changed one bit. So why wait around for a man to get it together ya' know? Why put YOUR life on hold to make some MAN happy? What about YOU, what about YOUR happiness? And why wish for a man to come back, that's already walked away from you TWICE??? If anything dear, you should be offended here and not compassionate.

Because the more compassion you show this man when he's indecisive like this and toying with YOUR FUTURE as a result of HIS INDECISION, all you're doing is basically saying to him, "It's okay. I'll always be here, waiting, no matter what you do, no matter how many times you toss me aside...I'll still be here, waiting." And when you do that, you know what happens? They always know you're there waiting, they do not fear losing you because you're giving them tons of reassurance that you're not going anywhere no matter how poorly they treat you and no matter how many times they choose someone else over you...so you sit on the back burner - while he goes off to seeking something he thinks is better. That's highly offensive and I would not be rewarding being taken for granted like that with compassion and understanding. Being compassionate and understanding of the matter only relieves him of feeling guilty about treating you as second best...which I would not grant him.

This guy needs to be on his own, figuring out his own life, without the reassurance that regardless of what he does...you'll always be there, waiting. He needs to experience a true "end" and loose you once and for all if he's going to ever "feel" anything for you. If he doesn't loose you for good, he'll never experience what it's like to truly be without you. If he knows you're sitting there waiting, he's in no hurry to get his act together. Why should he when he already knows you're not going anywhere, ya' know?

Read this dear, I think it might help you to understand that YOU are important, YOUR happiness is important and playing second best....is NOT an option. Your future is important - and it's NOT in the hand's of one man - it's in YOUR hands dear:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html; March 25, 2014 at 5:22 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Confused and Upset,
"if you were online dating a guy for 5 months and never met personally"

I wouldn't consider myself dating anyone that I haven't met because in order to be dating, you have to actually meet and go on dates, ya' know?

"when i cornered him for a face to face meeting, he just did not call back! or this is normal now that i am reading your blog about men leading?"

Ignoring someone isn't normal, it's just rude.

"is he testing me to see how desperate i am or was he genuine?"

When someone is saying one thing and doing something entirely different, that's not being genuine. When a man's words do NOT align with his ACTIONS, that's a big red flag.

"i asked if there is anything i should know, he said no i know all about him, what you think he meant then?"

That's not true, you cannot possibly know everything about someone you've never met. It takes a long time, even when together, to truly get to know someone - how they handle responsiblity, how they act under stress, what bad habits they have, how stable they are, how they are in a relationship...you can't get to know stuff like that without spending a significant amount of time with them.

"is this guy really a talker not serious and i should forget about him?"

He says one thing and does another - his words do not align with his actions - big red flag.

"does the fact he did not call or text even to mention that he wants to break up means he just want time using the NC rule or is he really off?"

I'm not sure how you can break up with someone you're not even with and you've never even met, ya' know?

"was thinking of texting him to tell him it is over, not to contact me again and that asking him to get rid of the photos, is this (1- the msg to break up, 2- the photos deletion) ok to do ? or not?"

I would not do that because again...you can't break up with someone you've never even met, ya' know?

"P.S. we are both muslims and eastern, thus it is normal in our tradition/culture to committ and even get married after few months especially for first generation"

I'm probably not really the person to be asking these questions to then dear because I'm not well versed in the culture. However, I would still think what you mentioned above "get married after few months" would apply AFTER actually meeting?; March 26, 2014 at 5:21 PM
Anonymous said...: Out of curiosity, what is the likelihood of a ex returning if he wanted to be with another woman but it didn't end up working out for him? Say you broke up with him because you found out about the other woman, he really had no other concrete reasons about ending your relationship, and you did NC ever since the breakup. Have you ever experienced this scenario?
Would he not return because he feels guilty, because he thinks you are still angry with him, or thinks you have no feelings for him because you did NC? Do you think he would he simply return to test the waters and see what your feelings are?
Would it be a good idea to initiate contact with him after a month or more of NC if you still had feelings for him?; March 26, 2014 at 11:07 PM
chk61 said...: @Anonymous March 25, 2014:

I'm not Mirror but will take a stab at this.

If a man left you for another woman, he thought there was something better than you. Sometimes these men find out AFTER they leave that there is not necessarily something "better", it's just "different" and sometimes, although it appeared to be a bright shiny new penny on the outside, all that glitters is not gold.

The new woman may be prettier, younger, wealthier but may turn out to be mentally unstable, high maintenance, or otherwise not as attractive as she once appeared.

If he comes back, as I'm sure Mirror will tell you, you can't welcome him back with open arms. You have to make him work for it.

He will probably test the waters to see your reaction.

Looking forward to Mirror's response.... ;-); March 27, 2014 at 10:58 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous March 26, 11:07PM,
"Have you ever experienced this scenario?"

No, I haven't dear.

"what is the likelihood of a ex returning if he wanted to be with another woman but it didn't end up working out for him?"

You can't really predict who will and who won't come back. It all depends on the man's level of interest he had in the first place. And if a man comes back, it doesn't necessarily mean he wants a relationship with you and he's learned his lesson. Sometimes, as much as I hate to say it, when/if a woman makes herself immediately available to a man who's returned...he will be an opportunist about it and use her (for sex, companionship, a text buddy, an "F" buddy, etc.) as a temporary "fix" of sorts - again, until something he views as "better" comes along.

So in my opinion, when a man leaves you for another woman....in that instance, taking them back isn't an option. Because as chk61 already pointed out....he's passed you over for something he perceives as "better" already anyway....and that, regretfully, means that in his mind, you're not Number One. And if you're not Number One....you'll always be Number Two, playing second fiddle, and the only time he'll come around is when he's in between something "better." In otherwords, he'll return to you during "dry spells" as a crutch, but he'll probably always take off when something he perceives as "better" comes along :-( So it's not worth it - he's made his choice....now make him live with it (consequences).

"Would he not return because he feels guilty, because he thinks you are still angry with him, or thinks you have no feelings for him because you did NC?"

It could be none of the above - and instead - it could be simply to use you during dry spells as I've stated above :-(

"Do you think he would he simply return to test the waters and see what your feelings are?'

I think men who disappear and reappear aren't necessarily as worried about YOUR feelings as they are about their OWN - and their desire for sex and company in the meantime. Which is why you don't welcome men who have passed you over for another woman or disappeared on you once already with open arms. Instead, you've got to put them to the test - make them PROVE they're genuinely interested. Because the one's who aren't....wont't try real hard (repeatedly) to reach you. They'll give up and move on to something easier.

"Would it be a good idea to initiate contact with him after a month or more of NC if you still had feelings for him?"

NO. It's not wise to pursue men to begin with and especially a man that's chosen another woman over you already dear. If you initiate contact, then how do you KNOW this man is GENUINELY interested - or if he's simply taking you up on your offer as an opportunist? You don't. Which is why in these situations, you need HIM to come to YOU. And then you need to make it hard for him to reach you - you need to not respond right away or at all and see if he keeps trying - to make him PROVE he's genuinely interested through his ACTIONS. And even then, in this case, having chosen another woman over you already....I wouldn't be giving this man the time of day if it were me.; March 27, 2014 at 1:17 PM
confused and upset said...: thank you MOA for replying. I see your point, it is just that talking daily for hours , several times aday and texting, for months to me meant a kind of relation especially when serious discussion took place, feeling expressed etc. but this also explains my frustration for the fact that we have not yet met which as you said it implies that is still not a real relation. well... big lesson learned, the tough part is the attachement that came with it,
I wish i came across your blog earlier and saved me a lot of energy and time wasted and most importantly my feelings.

I beleive in these matters cultures does not really matter, it is still human relation and behvoir. After all we did not go the traditional route for relationship/marriage.

having said that: would you then use the NC rule early on after lets say 1-2 months of talking online/virtual to see if the guy is serious to come and meet you face to face?

how about using cameras? would you support this ? would video conferencing justify face to face tardiness?
shall the woman ask to have a video call ? or wait for the man to ask?

I am talking here about long distance relation obviously.

thanks for adding light here... so far i refused sharing my video on video calls, as i am not sure if the man is recording anything since we have not met.

confused and upset; March 27, 2014 at 2:53 PM
confused and upset said...: continued 2: confused and upset

Dear MOA

sorry forgot to also add: would then discourage sharing photos with some one who you have not met yet face to face?

honestly i regret i shared my pohotos with this guy? after all i do not know him and all that he said could be simply a lie? from his actions he showed that he is not honest ( words and actions do not align as you noted) and not having the decency to inform me( even in a text or email) that he will not come or that he want to stop.

what would be your advice here regarding photos? and what would you reply to man you still did not meet when he asks for photos to be shared?

thanks again for your input

confused and uposert; March 27, 2014 at 3:02 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Confused and Upset,
"having said that: would you then use the NC rule early on after lets say 1-2 months of talking online/virtual to see if the guy is serious to come and meet you face to face?"

Within the first week, I'd wait to see if he asked for my telephone number to have a conversation on the phone. Then after a phone conversation, I'd wait to see if he initiated meeting. If the phone call didn't happen by say, by the third week...I would not continue talking to him to even wait to meet him.

"would video conferencing justify face to face tardiness?"

No, nothing replaces meeting face to face.

"would you then discourage sharing photos with some one who you have not met yet face to face?"

I wouldn't bother doing so if he's never even asked for my phone number to speak to me on the phone.

"what would you reply to man you still did not meet when he asks for photos to be shared?"

I wouldn't even be speaking to him at that point dear. After investing two months into this and seeing that absolutely nothing is coming out of it....I would no longer be speaking to him at all.; March 27, 2014 at 3:48 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello: Here it goes... I met a guy on POF. He is Lebanese and I am Jordanian. We had 3 great dates, but the 3rd date went a little haywire. There were people dancing in a circle and I jumped in the middle and gently pushed him out. It was playful. Not meant for any harm. Everything was fine, until I started text terrorizing and even went to the last restaurant of our date to find out where he worked, so I can just talk to him. I kept calling, texting, the whole nine yards. He told me to stop. He said he would even file a police report and told me "Fuck you" (sorry about the word, but I needed to give you the whole effect.) It has been 8 days of no contact with him. Is there hope? We really liked each other, but I blew it! He told me I blew it! Is there hope that I can get him back after ONLY 3 dates?; March 27, 2014 at 5:32 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 27, 5:32 PM,
"I started text terrorizing and even went to the last restaurant of our date to find out where he worked. . . I kept calling, texting, the whole nine yards. He told me to stop. He said he would even file a police report"

"Is there hope that I can get him back after ONLY 3 dates? "

I would NOT even attempt this dear, or you could land yourself in jail with a harassment charge against you. I'd place this in your past and chalk it up to a valuable learning experience and in the meantime, I'd try to hone my personal skills - I'd work on skills of self-discipline and the development of healthy coping skills. If you take this one step further without developing those skills dear...you may end up facing charges of harassment or stalking - he's not worth it. He's just one man in a sea of men dear. I'd cease dating for a while and instead, I'd work on developing those two personal skill sets I've referenced above.; March 27, 2014 at 6:01 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello again, it's Anonymous March 26, 11:07PM. Thanks Mirror and chk61 for your insights!
I guess I have one extra thing to consider in my situation, and I'd like to know if your previous advice stills applies:
If you were taking the guy for granted (e.g. he was 99% of the time the only one initiating contact, making conversations, asking for dates, etc. for a LONG period of time) and you believe he started being interested in another woman because he sensed your disinterest (when this was not really the case with you)...would you still wait for him to initiate contact after you did NC and broke up with him upon finding out about him flirting with the other woman?; March 27, 2014 at 10:47 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 27, 10:47 PM,
"If you were taking the guy for granted (e.g. he was 99% of the time the only one initiating contact, making conversations, asking for dates, etc. for a LONG period of time)"

I don't consider that taking a man for granted - I consider that simply a man being a man and doing what he's supposed to do (taking the lead, taking charge).

Taking him for granted would be you treating him poorly (you never answering those calls, you standing him up for dates and/or cancelling at the last minute on him repeatedly, etc.)

"because he sensed your disinterest"

I would only feel I was showing him disinterest if I were treating him poorly as I referenced above by not even answering those calls, cancelling on him repeatedly at the last minute, avoiding him, etc. But when a woman is answering/responding to those calls, engaging him in conversation and accepting the date requests and seeing him - that's interest...not disinterest.

"would you still wait for him to initiate contact after you did NC and broke up with him upon finding out about him flirting with the other woman?"

I would not signal to him that I'm triggered by jealousy and motivated by competition with other women. I wouldn't want him to have that impression of me (insecurity).; March 28, 2014 at 9:43 AM
Virgo said...: Hi MOA! I absolutely love your website & am a long-time reader so I thought I finally had to get some advice from you! So, I met a Taurus online in mid-December. We immediately felt like we had been best friends all our lives [he is a true Taurus for the most part, I am a Virgo 100%]. So I always made sure that he pursued me & he certainly did. Non-stop texting that he initiated for weeks on end, until I finally told him I don’t have time to text all day long. [Never a single phone call though-- emotionally unavailable?] So at the beginning he would write me beautiful poems, and would post on instagram about me, and would compliment me. I kept our dates at once per week even though he wanted to see me every day [he’s extroverted and likes to see friends every day, I’m the complete opposite]. We’re both rather timid in dating [I’m 25 and have only had 1 long term/sexual partner which lasted 3.5 yrs; he’s 28 and has had sex only twice in his life with one girl who I think traumatized him by cheating on him; his longest relationship around 4 months-- he’s scared of intimacy?]. So we did not kiss until our 6th date, where I was tipsy and almost had to lean into him.; March 28, 2014 at 2:08 PM
Virgo said...: Continued: The next date we chatted about being exclusive [he said he wasn’t talking to anyone else since we had started talking back in mid-Dec.] So February 1st we were in a relationship. Unfortunately, I started to realize that he wasn’t husband material [at least for now]. My gut kept telling me that he was not into me [even though I am pretty much the total package].; March 28, 2014 at 2:10 PM

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