Dating: When, Why, How, To Use No Contact

There are many dating rules out there, but it’s the tried and true ones, the old fashioned traditional ways of doing things, that really do work, which is why certain rules have held true and lasted over the years.

One of those rules happens to be the No Contact Rule. In this handy little guide, I’m going to explain to you the how, when and why’s of this rule: how to use no contact, when to use no contact and why to use no contact when dating. Because this handy little dating rule serves more than just one purpose and has more than just one use.

I’m going to be speaking to the ladies here, but men, this applies to you as well. But I don’t have to tell you that. You guys are well versed in this dating rule and put it to use regularly. But for those men who may not be familiar with it, read on.

When And Why To Use The No Contact Rule When Dating

When A Man Suddenly Disappears On You

No Contact is a handy little trick to attempt to lure someone back to you – by disappearing on THEM. As most women already know, powerful attraction builds for a man that suddenly, and without warning, disappears. Why? Because you begin to think about them constantly.

Where did he go? Is there someone else? Why did he disappear? It doesn’t matter if all the thinking taking place is actually negative in nature, it only matters that all that thinking is actually taking place.

Why?

Because when someone thinks about you constantly, it actually creates intense attraction for them. Playing hard to get works, ladies, which is why it’s another one of those good ole’ fashioned rules that’s stuck around. Psychologically, people tend to want what they can’t have. It’s called the Law of Scarcity and it works in economics and in relationships.

It’s a scientific fact – uncertainty heightens romantic attraction. So if you’re worried he’ll think you’re not interested and then be gone for good, don’t bother thinking that. That’s just your insecurities talking, that’s just you thinking you’re not good enough. But YOU ARE good enough. Have faith in yourself that you’re worth it – and that he thinks you are, too. Don’t sell yourself short because how you perceive yourself – is how others will perceive you as well.

You see, when he’s uncertain as to whether or not you really like him, it’s actually a good thing. It keeps him interested. It keeps him coming around. It makes him want to win you over. It makes him work harder at the relationship. All those things it does to you when it happens to you – it does to him as well.

When a man disappears on you and you worry that he may be gone for good - when he resurfaces suddenly, do you kick him to the curb? Nope. Well, it works the same for men, gals. When you disappear on them suddenly and without warning and then you resurface out of nowhere, they’re unlikely to kick you to the curb. Rather, nine times out of ten, the individual is thrilled you’ve returned.

Men know this, ladies. They use this dating rule regularly – on YOU.

When You Want Your Ex Back

This handy dandy little dating rule can also be used to lure an ex back into your tangled web. If you’ve overwhelmed your ex with neediness, emotional displays, tons of questions about his feelings for you, anger and frustration and, as a result, he dumped you and now you want him back - employ the rule of no contact immediately. Why? To make him think he was wrong about you - and to make him miss you.

Why?

Because men are human too, ladies. They miss people and they’ll miss you when you suddenly disappear and they’re ringing your phone and texting you and you’re not answering or responding to them. That’s when the roles gets reversed and now THEY’RE thinking about YOU constantly. And all that thinking, negative or not, is actually going to create an intense attraction for you. The point is to stay away so long that the man actually begins to “long” for you.

Men equate “longing” for someone with love, ladies.

To Get Over A Man

Yep, the no contact rule is truly a handy dandy little rule with lots of uses. And the last use is to help you get over a bad breakup with a man – to help you emotionally detach from him. Why do you want to detach from him? So you can move on, think about him less, and allow room to meet other men and cease the unhealthy obsessive thought patterns and embarrassing behavior that ultimately, only makes you feel worse about yourself and helpless.

Why?

You see, when you desperately hang on, when you remain in communication with an ex, you’re doing yourself a big injustice. You’ll never get over him if you’re still communicating with him. So do yourself a big ole’ favor here and stop doing that, right now.

If you want the pain to go away, ladies – you have to make HIM go away, because he IS your pain.

How To Use The No Contact Rule When Dating

When A Man Suddenly Disappears On You OR When You Want Your Ex Back

Generally, the no contact rule is a 30 day rule. How to do this is, when a guy suddenly disappears on you without warning or breaks up with you and you want him to notice you again, you get his attention by suddenly disappearing on HIM – you make him experience the consequences.

It’s what’s best for him and you. That’s how you learn lessons in life, that’s how you learn not to repeat your mistakes and that’s how you experience personal growth and develop coping skills. And yes, they call them “growing pains” for a reason – they hurt. So expect it to hurt and brace yourself for a wonderful period of self-awareness and personal growth.

You disappear for 30 days. You do not take his calls. You do not respond to his texts. You do not communicate with him via social media. You do not communicate or respond at all, period, for 30 days. You stay gone and all he hears are crickets chirping in the dead of night.

After not hearing from you or receiving a response from you for 30 days, he'll begin to think this . . watch the video below, a song called "Madness" by Muse, and pay close attention to what this man is doing in these lyrics here - he's THINKING - about the WOMAN, and what HE did WRONG and how he's now READY to face the fact that he needs to LOVE:

Some woman most likely pulled "no contact" on his ass there.

So then, after a 30 day time period (30 days from the time you decided to use the no contact rule) and lots of time for him to think, you suddenly and without warning – resurface. And you do so by either:

1.) Finally responding to a question from one of his last communications (if he’s asked one)

2.) Simply saying, “Hello, how are you?”

And when communication is reinstated – you keep it short and sweet. You don’t share your emotions, you don’t cry, you don’t text back and forth like lightening for 5 hours and you don’t have long, drawn out 3 hour telephone conversations in an attempt to hash things out. You play it cool. You’re busy, you’re independent, you’re confident and you have a life. You “check in” is all. You make small talk and nothing more.

And from that point forward, you play it cool. You take an hour or so to respond to texts. You return calls a day or so later. You don’t accept last minute date requests, he has to make plans with you 3 days in advance or – you’ve already made plans (even if you haven’t, you pretend as if you have – remember, you have a life and you want to give him the impression that you’re busy, healthy and others desire your time as well). This is how you set healthy boundaries, earn respect and get him to treat you with fairness and kindness.

If he’s started out after the no contact period correctly but then suddenly relapses into bad behavior again, then you employ “behavioral mirroring” with him. If he disappears on you for 3 days, you don’t respond for 3 days. If he takes 24 hours to answer a text, you take 24 hours to respond. If he says he’ll call and he doesn’t, when he does, you don’t answer it and you respond to it 3 to 5 days later. And if he really begins misbehaving and taking you for granted again – you employ the no contact rule all over again for 30 days. This is how you create fairness and balance in a relationship and how you hold your own and you don’t get plowed over again.

This is how you earn a man’s respect, ladies. If you’re a pushover, then that’s exactly what he’s going to do to you – push you over.

When You Need To Get Over A Man Or A Breakup

Breakups hurt, rejection hurts. And most times, they hurt women more than men because of all the emotions women are capable of having that men are not. Men don’t analyze things or beat themselves up. Men PROJECT their emotions – outward and onto others. Women ABSORB their emotions – and beat themselves up.

If you want the pain to go away, you need to walk through those emotions and accept the reality. The only way to get rid of the pain is to feel the pain, to work through it and to learn to cope with your emotions in a healthy manner. To make that process much easier for yourself, you employ the no contact rule.

You do not, under any circumstances, communicate with the man. If you do, you’ll have to experience the consequences of your OWN decisions here – you’ll experience pain again, because you’ve permitted it. So you ignore his calls, you don’t respond to his texts, you remove him from any of your social media profiles and you put the past in the past.

If you remain in contact with your ex, you’ll never heal and you’ll continue to experience the hurt. You must cease contact for your own good. If you want the pain to go away, get rid of the pain – he IS your pain - and you need to get rid of him.

This will help you to think of him less and less as the days go on. You will begin to detach from him and from all of the negative emotions and damaging thought processes. You will no longer feel the intense desire to cling to him or to reach out to him. You will begin to feel better about yourself and you will begin to make room in your life for a new man – one that treats you with respect and kindness.

Using the no contact rule to get over a man - helps you to actually get over him.

And there you have it, a handy dandy little guide to employing the no contact rule properly when dating. There are many times in life ladies, that you must learn to say “no” and actually take responsibility for your own happiness and stop blaming the man when it’s actually YOU permitting this unhappiness. If you want things to change – then YOU have to change. You have to learn to be happy, with or without a man, and you need to stop living under the false impression that you need a man to make you happy.

Your happiness doesn’t come from a man, it comes from within yourself - and you radiate it, like warm sunshine.

So get comfortable with the phrases below:

“No, I won’t tolerate this.”

“No, this is unacceptable.”

“No, I won’t permit you to treat me like this”

“No, I will not be available to you when you treat me with disrespect and take me for granted.”

It’s Simple Gals

If you don’t look out for yourself and treat yourself with respect, then why would anyone else? Men want sex. Women want romance. So the best (and only) way for a man to have sex with you – is to romance you. Period, case closed. It’s a tradeoff, and a fair and equal one at that.

So make them do that, ladies: No romance = no sex. It’s simple.

Learn to say “no” and set healthy boundaries in your relationships and you will actually find that you will begin to feel empowered. You will develop a healthy self-esteem. You will feel confident. You will signal to men that you need to be treated with respect. You will grow dignity. You will find that you worry less and less about impressing a man – and you become more and more focused on a man impressing YOU (romancing you).

You have something he wants (sex): Make him work for it (romance).

Do that and you will be happy. You will be treated with respect and kindness. Give it away for free and you’ll be taken for granted by a man who never wants to lift a finger for you or impress you or give you what you need (romance).

This is not game playing, ladies. This is setting healthy boundaries for yourself, looking out for yourself and earning respect for yourself – and making a man treat you with such.

And here’s the harsh reality, ladies. Recent studies have shown that the modern day woman kisses approximately 75 frogs before finding her Prince Charming. So realize that when you stand your ground and demand respect, lazy men, users, and players seeking sex for free will walk away from you. But that’s a good thing because you’re weeding your way through the worthless ones that would’ve only hurt you anyway.

So if 74 frogs leap away from you – realize that the 75th is on his way to you.

It’s the good ole’ fashioned way of doing things. Back in the day, they called it courting. Try it, it works.

2516 Comments:

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Virgo said...: He is very good-looking, and is a sensual kisser/very affectionate with touching, but he is in school [extremely intelligent] and so he has no job and lives with his parents. So basically at the beginning we would split dinner bills but maybe he would pay a little more, but then I started just paying for my own coffee or whatever because I saw he did not have much money and he would always drive us everywhere [his car wasn’t cheap on gas]. I don’t care about the money, but now I look back and think that he just was not into me maybe. Because once he had me, the compliments & poems & instagram posts all stopped. I am very hard on myself/am a perfectionist and so I thought I should try to change myself slightly so he would like me more but nothing ever worked.; March 28, 2014 at 2:12 PM
Virgo said...: So my gut would always tell me after our dates that he makes me feel insecure/not happy but I knew I was falling for him anyway b/c I liked the idea of him and his future potential. However, he did buy me Valentine’s day presents without even asking if we were exchanging gifts, and so I gave him some too which was nice. However, I then went on vacation and so we texted a lot every day while I was away. Well we decided that we should try to finally have sex when I got back even though we both live with our parents so our past attempts had always failed. So we decided that the Wednesday I got back we would finally do it, but some things came up and so I told him we should just post-pone it until Saturday. Apparently this made him feel rejected, he later told me when we were breaking up.; March 28, 2014 at 2:13 PM
Virgo said...: So Saturday we finally see each other after 21 days apart.. but he was acting distant and wasn’t super excited to see me, wasn’t touching me like he usually would, etc. So we go for coffee as usual and chat about nothing really personal, as usual. Well he had to drop me off to spend dinner with his parents because of a birthday but he said he wanted to spend the evening with me. However I just felt like there was no point because he obviously was treating me coldly and was even putting me down a little bit when he had never ever been rude to me previously! So when he texted me that evening asking if he could pick me up I told him that “we should go back to just dating or something because I cannot see him every day and that’s not fair to him”. I basically had had enough of him being emotionally unavailable and thought this would snap him out of it. So I told him to think about it and he said he would. So the following Monday we hashed everything out via text msg [he wanted to meet in person but I was too stressed/scared to see him]. So he basically felt like I kept rejecting him and didn’t like him because I did not see him every day, but I felt like he did not like me because he stopped complimenting me/writing me poems/posting on instagram about me/didn’t plan romantic dates/ I paid for myself usually. So I felt hopeful that it had all been a huge misunderstanding and that we could still be together but then he said, “well do you want to stay friends or should we make a clean break because today, at this point in time, my heart’s not in it”. So my plan had backfired, of course lol. He wasn’t rude during the text msg break up, however, and he told me if I ever needed to laugh or cry or blahblahblah to text him.. and so we parted ways amicably. Now it’s day 18 of no contact and he hasn’t contacted me once. A few days ago I deleted him from instagram and he deleted me right after as well. He’s very stubborn & full of pride [he suffered traumas when he was younger and his only sexual partner screwed him up mentally as well I think.] I just wish he had been open & honest with me that just because I don’t see him every day he felt rejected. Because when we had talked about it before he had said that ‘with previous girlfriends he could see them whenever he wanted so it’s kind of weird. But when he did finally get to see me it was even more exciting because he hadn’t seen me for awhile’ so I thought nothing of it. Some things he did during the relationship made me think he is immature, has pent-up frustration & is stubborn. He is also insecure deep-down for a few reasons so I think he won’t contact me ever because I bruised his ego a little bit and so now he wants to teach me a lesson. When we were together I would joke that he’s allergic to relationships [b/c he’s only had short ones] and that he should tell me if he gets bored of me and he said he doesn’t see that ever happening. He also said he doesn’t chase girls. So I have been googling and he has a few traits that make me think he could be emotionally unavailable, however, I read an article on YourTango and he had shown all 7 signs that he is in love with me [or was, as it were lol]. I’m curious to hear what you think he’ll do-- and what you think I should do. Our whole romance was extremely short and so I think 30 days no contact is a bit excessive, however, it’s almost done and he still hasn’t contacted me so I guess it will be completed after all. I want him to initiate contact first so I can see that he is genuinely interested, but it seems like he probably thought it wouldn’t work with me anyways and so he has moved on and does not want to even fight for us to be together. Please help me wise MOA!; March 28, 2014 at 2:13 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Virgo,
"I thought I should try to change myself slightly so he would like me"

If a man makes you feel that way dear, then get the hell away from him.

"basically at the beginning we would split dinner bills but maybe he would pay a little more, but then I started just paying for my own coffee or whatever"

Don't start relationships off like that dear. You're a lady and you deserve to be treated like one. When a man isn't willing to treat you special or show you that he's a real man that's willing to provide small things for you, this is what happens...you end up feeling like - well - like you're NOT special and like you're with a man that's just not cutting it somehow.

"my gut would always tell me after our dates that he makes me feel insecure/not happy"

Exactly. That's what happens and that's why you don't start things off by "settling" for less than you deserve. Men who date actively need to be prepared to do it properly...or get out of the arena.

"Apparently this made him feel rejected"

I wouldn't concern myself with that because all along...he's made you feel "less" by not treating you special.

"I felt like he did not like me because he stopped complimenting me/writing me poems/posting on instagram about me/didn’t plan romantic dates/ I paid for myself usually. So I felt hopeful that it had all been a huge misunderstanding and that we could still be together but then he said, “well do you want to stay friends or should we make a clean break because today, at this point in time, my heart’s not in it”. So my plan had backfired, of course lol"

I don't see it that way dear...I think your plan actually WORKED - and sniffed him out as a half interested lazy man that was initially using a bunch of flowery talk to move things to his advantage.

"I just wish he had been open & honest with me that just because I don’t see him every day he felt rejected."

I don't even think he was honest about that...I think he's playing the "poor me" card here to emotionally manipulate YOU into thinking YOU'VE done something wrong here. When the reality is that from day one...he was being lazy and showing very little interest via his ACTIONS (not his flowery WORDS). Guy's who don't pay for dates dear, especially the FIRST ONE...no second dates...because THIS is what happens. The woman goes along kinda making excuses for the guys less than impressive behavior, only to get burned in the end by it anyway :-(

Cont...; March 28, 2014 at 4:19 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "with previous girlfriends he could see them whenever he wanted so it’s kind of weird"

Oh I see...so it's all about HIM. Just like him being cheap on a first date and not worrying about IMPRESSING you was all about him, too. Get where I'm going with this dear? The writing was on the wall on that first date, so in the future, guys who are being lazy and dont't attempt to impresss you or treat you special - yea, they don't get second dates.

"He also said he doesn’t chase girls."

Then who does he think should be the "man" in the relationship - the woman? Would HE rather be the woman and have you lead and be the man? That's such a turnoff to a girl, I don't get why men who act like women (submissive, passive) don't see that and instead, man up and act like real men (lead, show masculine traits).

"what you think I should do"

Nothing. Put a period at the end of his sentence and if he ever contacts you again - don't respond (unless you want a repeat here of it all being about HIM all the time while he shows very little concern and understanding for you).

"it seems like he probably thought it wouldn’t work with me anyways"

The only way a relationship ANY woman can have with a man like this that works is this dear 1) YOU provide for yourself while he does nothing 2) YOU make it all about HIM and place your needs aside 3) YOU show him understanding while he doesn't show YOU the same 4) YOU put up with his feminine passive ways by YOU being the man and letting him be the woman in the relationship 5) YOU make it all about HIM from day one and NEVER about YOU 6) YOU'RE willing to endure a relationship that leaves you constantly feeling "less" somehow.

Is that the kind of relationship you want?

If not dear...then don't sweat this one and be GLAD he's gone.

In the meantime, read this piece: http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/pay-for-a-date.html; March 28, 2014 at 4:19 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA, I posted twice and haven't received an answer. I asked the question about NC and the Rubber band theory for emotionally depressed men with stress who are in therapy, does it work? Please let me know. -JR; March 28, 2014 at 5:25 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JR,
I can't answer that question dear. It's a very specific question and in addition to that, there are no guarantees in life - NC is not a guarantee and there's no way to predict the outcome.; March 28, 2014 at 11:58 PM
Anonymous said...: THANK YOU FOR THIS POST.
I couldn't say it louder. I read all the comments and I feel stronger than ever. I've been getting e-mails from my ex-boyfriend since he broke up with me. The first one was terrible –he's the blamer type, so he was basically saying how pushed he felt and blablabla and reaffirming his need for freedom.

The second one was condescending, the "I-know-you're-strong" bullshit and so on.

The third one was even worst than the first one. He blamed everything on me and he just basically repeated why he wanted to leave and how little space did he have and all these things. The funny thing is that I know it wasn't like this. I used to let him go quite much but still, he needed to reaffirm himself.

The fourth one came a few days ago. Completely changed the style. I almost believe he's Jeckyll and Hyde at the same time. He was justasking how I was, how my family was and how was I doing. Checkin' in, basically. He even changed the language (I'm Spanish and he's Italian) and switched to my own language since we broke up. We used to use my language for more intimate stuff and Italian for the serious talks and fights. I though it was funny.

I haven't answered to any of his e-mails. To say the truth, I don't even know if I want him back anymore. I know I love him and miss him, but he was such a child sometimes. So scared to commit that he would just panic and blame it all on others so he wouldnt take any kind of responsibilities.

I know when he dumped me he was still in love. He withdrew but never actually panicked about the fact that I would eventually let him go. I always tried to catch him until he called it quits... Then I respected his choice, since I'm clever enough to understand that the worse thing a woman can do to a man is keep pushing. The more you push, the further he goes.

I don't know how long I'll keep the NC (it's been 3 weeks now) but I've seen changes. And I'm beginning to understand that it wasn't entirely my fault, that I just loved him and maybe showed it too much at a time when he needed space. I'm happy I was quick enough to understand it and saved my dignity and pride a little bit.

Ours was a LDR, but it worked. It always worked, in fact. No third people involved, lots of fun and thrill. I guess he's going to miss it as much as I've done till now. I don't know when should I start contact with him again but i don't want to act as a fool neither. I think I need more time. But I'm glad I grew up enough not to be angry nor the opposite. I've a feeling this story is not over yet, but maybe it is and I haven't accepted it yet. The denial phase is a tough one.

Thank you Mirror, since I've seen I did it well.
Let's see what happens when he writes again –if he doesn't, then he'll give me another reason to move on. I know I was the best girl he could find. I was his first and only girlfriend and he was 25 when we met, so I know he wasn't easy. We went through a lot together and I knew he'd withdrew since he was scares as sh*t to commit.

We'll see.
Thanks, thanks thanks.; March 31, 2014 at 6:54 PM
confused and upset said...: Thanks MOA for the reply, I just want to clearify that when i was talking about photos normally they ask for it in the beginning like after a couole of emails or so, or maybe after the first phone call. given this what would you advice?

I agree that not speaking on the pbone within the first few days, or weeks as you said, is red sign.
my questions earlier for photos and video sahring were after having talked on the phone and even on daily basis for sometime.

Thanks again for shedding some light here

confused and upset

J; April 1, 2014 at 6:05 PM
Libra said...: MOA,

Love reading your posts and feedback. Like the rest of the readers, I am here trying to look for answers. I feel completely stuck in limbo. My story is banal, but it is my own. Basically, A. and I had been dating for about four months before he went dark on me last weekend. Prior to that, back in February, I ended our newly formed relationship when my emotional needs weren't met. It wasn't because he is a bad guy, but more due to the fact that he hasn't fully healed from the demise of his 13 year marriage. He's been divorced for two years now. A week after our break-up, he reached out to me. We talked and reconnected, but I had to immediately leave the country for work. While I was gone, he took care of my house and cat. Excited about possibly working through our communication issues, we spent the entire weekend together after I returned from my overseas trip. However, things literally changed within a day of him leaving my house. We typically talk only every other day so I wasn't so concerned until Tuesday. We both had a early rough week, so I offered to talk. He ignored my offer nor did he offer to listen to me. Normally we see each other the nights that he doesn't have the kids, but this time he didn't offer to get together on Wednesday. I didn't push it. The following morning I wished him a good day, and he took hours to get back to me. Literally hours.That made me upset. A thank you doesn't take more than few seconds to type. Anyway, I decided to leave him alone. A few days later, I get this short text apologizing for being out of touch because he had a madcap week. Honestly, I had no idea what he was saying. I thought he was talking about March Madness...so I told him even though madcap made no sense to me, I hoped he was happy. That was the last I heard from him. I haven't reach out, and don't think I should. I've repeteadly asked him to be more open with me, but it is so out of character for him to just disappear without telling he is no longer interested in dating or seeing me. I really thought I would have received an email, text or something. At this point, I'm trying everying in my power not to internalize the situation. I blame myself because I may have been terse in my replies, but text messages aren't met for having conversations, and he knows that about me. I'm so frustrated, but please tell me that I'm doing the right thing by not reaching out...not going to lie, I am constantly checking my phone to see if he has written. How do I stop that obsession? Please help!

Thanks for the great insight, as always.; April 2, 2014 at 8:43 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, i just found your article and found it soo enlightening and useful! hope you are still answering questions as i would really like your perspective...
so there is a guy i been casually seeing for 8 months, basically we are FWB. in the beginning i felt like he fell for me (my assumption completely as it was never confirmed) but he asked me if we are seeing each other, was romantic and considerate to me. but i repeated indicated to him i just wanted something casual by my actions coz it was early days i wasnt sure about him then. but gradually i developed feelings for him big time and now he is acting like he only wants me for sex. last time i saw him he asked me if i wanted to be exclusive but in the same sentence said he was happy to be friends that f***ed occasionally. anyway i told him i wanted to see other guys and he seemed ok with it but then said i was threatening him and we shouldnt see each other as much anymore. after that i didnt expect to hear from him again. yet he has been contacting me for sex every week or two since. i feel that he is playing games with me and have ignored his last text, to my surprised he texted me again 2 days later asking how i am. now ive never ignored him before this and i feel that maybe he is missing me.
now i really like this guy and def want to be with him. should i keep ignoring him at this stage for 30 days? or reply to his last 2 unanswered texts at this point and be casual? thanks so much; April 3, 2014 at 7:59 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Libra,
You're doing the right thing dear. You've reached out, he's pulled back. And doing more reaching out will only most likely cause him to pull back more. Not because of you, but because of what's going on in his head right now, which may have nothing to do with you and more to do with him. I think this may yet again be another situation where the man simply is not ready for a relationship and probably has worked out the baggage he's carrying from the last one he was in, his marriage.

"How do I stop that obsession?"

There are several ways. You could shut it off for periods throughout the day and give yourself a break by forcing yourself to take one. Or, you can leave it on and shut it inside of your bedroom, behind a closed door and force yourself to take a break that way. You can also replace that habit with another one. For instance, each time you feel like checking your phone, instead, get up and walk into another room, leaving the phone behind. Those things may sound trivial and small, but if done, they will "baby step" you away from the phone and the need to keep checking it :-); April 4, 2014 at 8:53 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 3, 7:59 PM,
"should i keep ignoring him at this stage for 30 days?"

Well, this tactic is only meant to be used on men treating you badly. Men taking you for granted and/or men that have walked away from you. In your case, that's not happening. You agreed to FWB and when in that situation, you can't expect proper relationship treatment because regretfully, you're settling for FWB - for something casual, ya' know? In which case, he's done nothing wrong dear and really shouldn't be experiencing no contact.

If he's acting like he only wants you for sex, as much as that may suck dear, it's what you agreed to ya' know? You can't fault him for that when it's actually what you wanted.; April 4, 2014 at 8:59 AM
Anonymous said...: @Anonymous Apr 3, 7:59 PM,

Alongside what Mirror has said, it is a bit confusing, from what you have communicated to him and whilst I realise that your goal posts have changed in terms of wanting a relationship with him now it is confusing all the same.

'but he asked me if we are seeing each other, was romantic and considerate to me. but i repeated indicated to him i just wanted something casual by my actions coz it was early days i wasnt sure about him then'

'anyway i told him i wanted to see other guys and he seemed ok with it'

you need to work out how you can undo this and it's a tricky one because to go into relationship territory he has to definitely want one but it's not advised to issue a talk either but if you want him you need to start again almost if you can do that, I'm not sure you can but you could try and like Mirror says he hasn't done anything wrong really from what you said and agreed to in the beginning.
hope it works out for you; April 4, 2014 at 9:42 AM
FWB girl said...: Hi this is fwb girl aka @Anonymous Apr 3, 7:59 PM,
thanks for your reply and i see your point but i do feel he is treating me badly, taking me for granted. and he has walked away from me in the past (first time he disappeared on me for one month then came back and told me he was really sick, the second time we had an argument and didnt speak for a month)
i know that we are not in a relationship and i may be making unreasonable demands on him? but i really dont think common courtesy is unreasonable, eg dont disappear and ignore texts even if its from your FWB, a simple explanation would suffice.
i wish i could undo those things i said/did. but i believe they were the right thing to do/say at the time.
i dont even know why i started no contact with him this time, he hasnt misbehaved since the last time we reconnected but one day just felt like i cant take this anymore and having him in my life is too stressful. i havnt told him anything and im so miserable.
If i tell him i want a relationship and he says no, then would No Contact be the appropriate thing to do? and if this is getting off topic, can you refer me to any advice that would be relevant for my situation?
thank you.; April 6, 2014 at 8:22 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @FWB girl,
"If i tell him i want a relationship and he says no, then would No Contact be the appropriate thing to do?"

No dear, it would not be appropriate in this situation. You two are casually dating. And the definition of "casual" is this:

"relaxed and unconcerned. not regular or permanent"

You've agreed to a situation that is not regular or permanent and that's tone is relaxed and unconcerned. That's what FWB is and that's also what sex without commitment is. So if you ask for a relationship and he's not agreeable with that, you cannot fault him because when this whole thing began....that isn't what he signed up for, it's not what he or you agreed to do. So if he says no dear, there's no fault in that ya' know?

This is the reason I do not advocate FWB or casual sex for women. Because it does damage and women can rarely navigate the situation without developing feelings, expecting more and then feeling slighted when that does not happen. And the reason for that is biological. When a woman gets physical with someone, her brain releases endorphines that are often referred to as the "cuddle" drug. However, in a man's brain, that does not happen. The opposite happens and the man gets a jolt of testosterone, which makes him want to mate more (have sex more). And the reality dear is that, in the end, you can't beat Mother Nature.

When in a casual situation dear, you can't expect relationship treatment. Meaning, you can't expect regular phone calls, you can't expect respectful treatment, you can't expect he'll want more some day, you can't expect real dates...you can't have ANY expectations dear. And when you agree to FWB, that's what you're agreeing to - something where neither party will have any expectations from it.

"i do feel he is treating me badly, taking me for granted. and he has walked away from me in the past"

I understand that dear, I do, I get how you feel. But here's the thing...he CAN walk away if he wants, and he CAN treat you bad if he wants and he CAN take you for granted if he wants - because there's not commitment in place. FWB gives freedom from commitment and it gives the ability to all of those things above because no one has agreed NOT to do those things (via a commitment to one another), ya' know? Again, this is why I do not advocate casual sex for women - it's a crappy situation and it is one that will leave you feeling used, even if you've agreed to it.

"i really dont think common courtesy is unreasonable, eg dont disappear and ignore texts even if its from your FWB, a simple explanation would suffice"

I agree with that. But again, if you don't receive it, you cannot hold that against him dear because he never agreed to provide you with those things ya' know?

"can you refer me to any advice that would be relevant for my situation?"

I don't have anything that discusses navigating a situation like that because honestly, I don't think it's possible (without emotional damage). However, I do have this piece:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/04/new-dating-trend-sofa-date-hookup.html; April 7, 2014 at 8:24 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @FWB girl,
"If i tell him i want a relationship and he says no, then would No Contact be the appropriate thing to do?"

No dear, it would not be appropriate in this situation. You two are casually dating."

I should clarify something here dear. NC is NOT the appropriate thing to do to PUNISH him for not wanting a relationship. If you're going to attempt to use it to punish him or to try to get him to come back to you, then I don't think that's appropriate use for it in this situation. (And I get the feeling here that maybe you want to "punish" him a bit.)

However, if you use NC for YOURSELF - to move away from him, break the FWB situation and NEVER go back to it or him - then yes - THAT would be appropriate use of it :-)

Punishment and an attempt to get him back - no. Healing yourself and breaking the FWB situation to never return to it again - yes.; April 7, 2014 at 8:28 AM
lily said...: This comment has been removed by the author.; April 8, 2014 at 12:51 AM
FWB girl said...: Hi Mirror,
thanks for your referral to the sofa date article and your spot on, i have been sofa dated. we never specifically agreed to be fwb you see.
but the thing is i dont mind the sofa date, what does that say about my self-esteem/respect? I prefer to spend alone time with him at home over going out.
so i followed ur advice and stopped NC with him as it was not appropriate in this case. Nonetheless he seems to have responded to it, before NC he was wishy washy about even getting together with me, he'd sext me but not make an effort to carry through. but after NC, now he is super horny to hear from me and eager to get together!
i think i could leverage this somehow, perhaps denying him sex when he wants is the way to go?
if i make him lust for me maybe he will fall in love with me?; April 9, 2014 at 2:04 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @FWBGirl,
"the thing is i dont mind the sofa date, what does that say about my self-esteem/respect?"

Well dear, you actually DO mind the sofa date...the sofa date is what got you to where you're at right now and where you're at right now is what brought you here, ya' know? Your sofa situation has gone just as I've stated they generally go in that article - with you eventually reaching the point where you're now wondering, scheming to get him to want to be with you, and now looking for tactics to turn things to your advantage.

"now he is super horny to hear from me and eager to get together!"

Yes dear, but that's for sex...not a relationship.

"if i make him lust for me maybe he will fall in love with me?"

Generally speaking, if a man is going to fall in love with a woman, it will happen within the first 4 to six months - and he will start expressing that verbally. If he's not expressing feelings for you by then, there's a high likelihood that he's never going to :-(; April 9, 2014 at 9:13 AM
FWB girl said...: Dear mirror,

After reading your blog i realised i have been utilising some of your techniques in the past even without realising that im doing it! Now thanks to you I'm more aware of the cause and effect of my actions.
My fwb story is a bit complicated, i was wondering if you can tell me if there is any hope. Sorry for obsessing as i know you would advice against it, i am ready to move on but I think your opinion would solidify my decision.
Even though its been 8 month i actually havnt seen this man that many times prob 7-8 times.
The first time we had sex i didnt expect anything from him and was actually hung up on someone else at the time. After that it took him a couple weeks to convince me to sleep with him again and after the second time i felt close to him, silly me. so i texted him afterwards and it took him 12 hrs to reply to my msg and i remember being so upset and crying. (now i realise he was trying to lower expectations for me going forward and that should have been my red flag to bail, but i didnt)
Instead i was cautious so i never initiated contact, he would initiate every week or so to get together but due to various reasons we didn't actually see each other that much but kept in touch through texts. he gradually started telling me that he missed me, calling me babe and being romantic. i felt he was being real as the development felt very organic and natural. despite this he never asked me out on a proper date.
One day he made me dinner and lit candles all around the house, i felt that he'd put in more effort than usual and thought maybe he is falling for me, why would he do this for a booty call? after that he told me that we are seeing each other now.
Straight after and without warning he disappeared on me for a month, it made no sense to me at all, i texted him a couple times with quite needy msgs but received no reply. i was devastated and tried to heal myself and move on.
Then bam he texted me. but i felt his toned was different. he mentioned he had been sick with mono and i secretly felt guilty that i might have given it to him. then he said he was"bored and horny" which i did not appreciate at all as his previous msgs had always been sweet as if i was special. but "bored & horny" was definitely not special.
i replied after 2 weeks and we met up again for sex on his bday, i felt special as he has lots of options but made plans in advance to spend his bday with me. but he became cold to me after sex.
After that his contact became more sporadic than ever and always explicit in nature, i got mad at him, he got mad back and we didnt speak again for a month as a result.
We reconnected and he has actually been treating me better this time around. im starting to feel he will never leave this arrangement as it works for him and he always comes back.
I guess i feel guilty as i have been no angel either, i have played lots of games with him and slept with other guys during the time i have been seeing him (which he doesnt know about). but have finally realised along the way he is the one i want. sometimes i feel it is me that is been a brat and that is why he is acting this way towards me.
In a way i feel we are so perfect for each other as i feel he is full of BS and im not too much better.
What i really dont get is the really distinct change in his attitude towards me after he re-appeared the first time. it was almost as if he had deemed me not relationship worthy and consciously decided to treat me like second class. I have been trying to "get back into his good books" ever since.; April 10, 2014 at 3:39 AM
Libra said...: Dear Mirror,

I wrote to you on 3 APR 7:59pm about being in limbo with a guy. After your sage advice, I did receive a text from him, asking if we could get together the following Sunday. I agreed. Figured this would be a good opportunity to sort out whatever the heck was going on. We met Sunday late afternoon, initially keeping things as friends would do when they get together for drinks. We talked. He asked about my trip to the winery and who I went with; discussed the fact that he felt bad now that he didn't invite me to a soccer game last weekend. Also that he was sorry for being out of touch - it's been so busy for him. I told him life happens, and it is what it is. Then we talked about training for a marathon together, and how it would start the following week. After a few drinks, we became a little tipsy. That is when he asked how we should "pursue" us? I asked him that I wanted to hear his thoughts before I gave him mine. Basically, he told him me that he doesn't think he is relationship material and that he would disappointment me over and over again. And his life is all over the place right now, and he really likes me, but he doesn't think he can be a good boyfriend to anyone. I told him that was the reason why I broke up with him three weeks prior to this conversation - and I still believe it to be the case. I then asked why he reached out to me after the break-up, and had acted all relationshipy for the last three weeks. He said it's because he enjoys my company. Uhm, okay - that's when I told him he can't have it both ways.I told him with this ending, there will be no contact between us from now on. He cannot call, email or text because a.) I need time to grieve and b). we would be physical again. He looked puzzled, and asked, "I thought we were going to train for the marathon?" Things kind of turned weird and blurry after that. Never mix alcohol and break-ups. After four hours together, we had finaly decided to go our separate ways. But after several drinks, we were still kissing and holding hands. When we finally left the bar, he wanted to walk me to my car. Tipsy at that time, I said absolutely not, telling him to go away. I'm usually more cooler about things. He insisted. While we were walking to my car, I just kept telling him not to walk me back. To go his separate way - we had no reason to prolong "this". He wanted me to hold his arm, like we used to do. When we got to the car, I wished him well and said goodbye - can't remember if there was attitude involved. I also dont remember whether he was upset with me or sad or what. He just walked away. I decided to walk home (less than a mile away) from the bar. That was the strangest break-up I have ever had. Honestly.

This is a long story to a short question - I'm having a hard time moving on. I'm sad because he is such a nice guy, but at the same time in many ways he wasn't the right one. Yet, I being really hard on myself, which is truly hurting my self-esteem. I feel like I didn't meet a standard so that's why it was so easy for him to let me go. I always find myself feeling the same way with every ending of a relationship. Deep down I know my worth isn't based on external factors, but by the time my ego catches up with my logic, I put myself through unnecessary torture. How do I stop this vicious cycle? Will no contact get me there? No, I will not reach out to him. I'm good about that, though a part of me wants him to contact me to get me out of this icky feeling.

I can't wait to feel better again. As always, thank you for listening.; April 12, 2014 at 10:30 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello,

I'm happy I stumbled upon your blog because your advice was greatly needed at the time. I have issues confiding my personal life to my friends and family members. I tend to keep things to myself and be very private. This is a great way for me to vent, yet still be in my comfort zone. Thank you for creating this space for us.

I'm 24 and I met a 33 y/o men on a dating site about 7 months ago. We hit it off quite well. I admired a lot of his qualities and he admired my strong mind and how independent, mature and hardworking I am for my age. Things were great the first couple of months, we had such a great time together but I continued being cautions. With time he opened up and told me that his last relationship, which had ended just 6 months before meeting me, had left him broken. He was supposed to get married to his ex gf of two years last February. We continued dating until I broke things off with him about 3 weeks ago and decided to apply the no contact rule. Here's why: As I started getting emotionally involved with him, I realized he wasn't ready to be with me in a way that would satisfy me and make me feel happy. With time, as we got close and intimate, he started spending less time with me, he would cancel plans to spend time with his friend whom he saw often during the week. He started making space between us and I this was making me feel sad, insecure and anxious. Interestingly, whenever he did spend time with me, he would treat me like a princess, be super affectionate and he would do anything to make me happy. He had introduced me to his close friends, had taken me to several social events and spoken to his family about me. We were basically a great couple, yet we really weren't.

Continue --->; April 17, 2014 at 1:01 PM
Anonymous said...: Continued--

The thing is that after 6 months, he didn't seem to want to call me his girlfriend. I was just the person he was dating/ getting to know. Problems arose when one day I told him that he was great, but that we seemed to want different things out of what we had. Thankfully, I am blessed to have learned from prior relationships and I am now able to handle things in a non-emotional and dramatic way. So I told him that I wanted to be with someone who wasn't scared to be all in with me and that I felt he needed time to sort things out regarding his last relationship and the impact it had in him. He said he cared about me, that he wanted to take things slow because he had promised his family, friends and himself that he would take things slow and get to know someone well before getting to emotional involved to avoid having to go through the same things he did with his ex. While I understood where he was coming from, I felt that I couldn't sell myself short. See, I've learned to love and get to know myself enough to realize that sometimes people are just not in the right time and state of time to be on the same page as you are, and I can respect that. He insisted we continued dating and getting to know each-other but without an actual title. He said he didn't want to be managed by anyone and felt like he was in jail like his ex gf apparently made him feel. My mind was already set, like a typical Taurus that I am. He continued trying to convince me to continue dating ( which involved lots of sex) and to allow him the time he needed. The last time he tried to talk to me he made a lot of promises and assured me he wanted to make me happy, despite of how he felt about commitment at the time. We ended up having sex that day, but right after sex he started getting ready to leave to meet his friends, after he had promised he wouldn't do that. I got really upset and many of the emotions I had been controlling went out of control. I told him I didn't appreciate him lying his way into my bed to have sex with me and then just leave. I told him I realized he was a waste of time and efforts. He got into a state of high anxiety (which always came into play whenever we would talk about out relationship and whenever I would put my cards on the table). He then told me he was just going to put down the top of his car and that he would be right back. I figured he needed some air but he actually didn't come back. He left and that made me feel extremely hurt and used.

A few days later he txted me asking me to meet up and talk. I said no and asked him to not contact me again. Since then, 3 weeks ago, I haven't replied any of the txts he has sent me. He txts me every so often and he doesn't over do it, which helps me continue the no contact. He writes me that he misses me and that he realizes how he was wrong. He continues asking that I meet him to talk and that he wants to reconnect. I have not replied. In the last txt he sent me he said he wanted to meet me before he left overseas to a trip he had planned. He left yesterday on his trip, and when I got home I found flowers by my door waiting for me.

Continue-->; April 17, 2014 at 1:03 PM
Anonymous said...: Continued---

While I find it sweet and I can see he feels bad, I still feel the need to be in no contact. I am doing this for the both of us. I felt taken for granted and I also felt that I was having to prove to him that I wasn't going to be anything like his ex gf in order to be treated as his gf. I felt that I was fixing something I didn't break in the first place. I have peace of mind knowing that I gave him the respect and space he needed. I am also at peace bc I did the right thing letting him know how I felt and honored my feelings. I know how much I have to offer and I know how I deserve to be treated. I miss him a lot. I think about him constantly. I've been going through a lot in my personal life and I wish he would be here to hug me and make me feel better but like you said, this is good for both of us. We both need time and space to think and sort things out. I'm afraid to give my feelings to someone who's heart might continue being somewhere else, or getting healed. He's gone for his trip for a week or two, I'm not sure. By then it would have been over a month of no contact.

This no contact weeks have giving me time to see things from a more logical perspective. As of right now, I don't think I want to be involved with him emotionally, even though part of me wants to be close to him. I don't think I would be honoring myself by being with someone who feels that being with me brings more losses than benefits. I don't want to take his freedom away, I don't want to manage him, I don't want him to feel that way about me. I would rather be alone. I would rather be with someone who finds it a great deal to be with me. The no contact rule has worked, not only because he has contacted me often but bc the space has allow us both to cool down, think and feel logically. We'll see what happens after he returns. In the meantime, I will continue growing and taking care of myself, bc I know that's what I deserve.; April 17, 2014 at 1:03 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I am currently on day 20 of NC with a guy who I've been seeing. I constantly look at your page to remind me and try to reinforce the reasons why I want and should do NC. But recently, I have been second guessing myself on if I should even be doing NC with him, and I just want your opinion on my situation and if you think I should continue it or if it'll even work.

I have been seeing a guy for about 3 months although we have never went on a real date. When I first met him, I didn't think he would have been my type or someone who I was interested in. We did however exchange numbers and we would casually text each other about 2-3 times a week. About two weeks after I met him we were hanging with friends and we both got really drunk and I went home with him and we had sex. This was the first time ever doing something like this, as everyone who I had slept with prior I had been in a serious relationship with. I initiated contact first the next day through text and we spoke very casually as if nothing had happened. The next week we hung out again at the bar and after I left early, he and my cousin had a conversation about me, where he told her that he doesn't want a relationship but thinks I'm really cool and would like to just stay friends. Although I was a little disappointed, I accepted it and tried to move on. He however, continued to text me just about everyday but I tried to keep my distance as "we were just friends."

So fast forward a couple of weeks, he is still texting/calling me everyday (it was a rare occasion that I ever texted him first). Our conversations have gradually become longer and we were starting to disclose more personal things to each other, and at this point I couldn't deny that I had developed feelings for him. One day after work we meet up and we went back to his place and had sex again. The next morning, he was the first to initiate contact, and again we spoke as if nothing happened the night before. But ever since then we had grown increasingly closer where he'd ask me for advice and confided in me to tell me things about his family, etc. Although I liked him, I kept telling myself we were just friends, even though I was secretly hoping he was starting to like me too.

About a couple of weeks before I started NC, he finally asked me out on a date. Well, kinda. He asked me through text when would I let him take me out, and I replied whenever he asked me to. Well, just like that he changed the conversation, and I tried not to make a big deal out of it and let it go. A couple of nights later I brought it up and told him how I felt that he was playing games with me by asking me out and acting like he didn't mean it. He said he did mean it and we made plans for the next weekend. Come next weekend, and it was like he totally forgot about our date. He invited me as well as all of our friends out to the usual hang out spot. I declined his invitation and he seemed sad and asked "why? don't you want to see me?" and I replied "I didn't know all of our friends had to be there for me to see you." He said he knew where I was coming from. He asked me if I wanted to go to the movies the day after, but I kinda felt like he only did because he knew I was upset with him, so I told him I already had plans for that day. The day after, at like 10 at night he says hes bored and wants to hang out with me. Although I was still mad that he had stood me up, I really wanted to see him, so I went out my way to try to find a ride at 11 at night on a Sunday, but I didn't find one and didn't go. We spoke that night and he seemed disappointed that things didn't work out for us that weekend and I expressed that I was too.; April 17, 2014 at 2:55 PM
Anonymous said...: The next week was like a complete 360 for him. He became a lot more distant, we argued over the stupidest things, and he even tried to hook me up with one of his friends who apparently liked me. I was really confused so I had to ask him (over text, because I was too scared to do it over the phone or in person) how he really felt about me. He said he liked me and thought I was really cool, but didn't want a serious relationship because he had been really hurt in the past. I kinda already knew this but I needed to hear it to be sure.

A couple of days later I started NC, and these are my reasons: I feel like I got too caught up on him, and I liked him a lot more than he possibly liked me which thus put me in a vulnerable position that I didn't want to be in. I can't change his mind about not wanting a relationship, but I can make him see life without me and that he misses me and make him see the err of his ways. And lastly, try to move on from him, as a man who isn't trying to put effort into being with me shouldn't get my effort (while secretly hoping that he'll come along and put in the effort to make us work).

I have been going strong for the past 20 days, and I know hes missing me because he's trying to get friends to relay messages to me, and although I blocked him, I had a moment of weakness when I unblocked him and seen some of the messages he wrote me where he seemed sad that I was ignoring him. So Mirror, what do you think? Am I doing everything right, am I hoping/expecting for too much, is he even worth me putting all this work in NC for?

Thanks; April 17, 2014 at 2:57 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 17,2:55 PM,
"Am I doing everything right"

As long as the goal is focusing on YOU and your well-being and not him and whether or not he'll come back, then yes dear - this will help you. It will help you to detach from a man that doesn't want what you want - a relationship.

When a man tells you he doesn't want a relationship dear, that's truly what that means and nothing you do or say can/will change that - and you have to accept that it's not YOU, it's no reflection on you if someone isn't ready for that. It simply means they have different goals, that's all.

"am I hoping/expecting for too much"

If you're hoping for him to suddenly swing around and profess feelings for you, then yes, maybe you are expecting too much dear. Because even if he did - he STILL doesn't want a relationship so in the end, that won't change anything. And again, that's not a reflection on you, it's simply two people with different goals is all.

"is he even worth me putting all this work in NC for?"

He is not - but YOU are. Gaining balance and peace of mind, detaching and not permitting yourself to settle for less than you deserve - is always worth it dear :-); April 17, 2014 at 5:11 PM
Unknown said...: Have you tried the no contact method and the person deleted your number? If they delete your number and respond with "who is is this?" should you tell them hey it's so and so or give up?; April 21, 2014 at 11:42 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I commented on another article, but came here as this is the subject of my question. I know that social media had become a new big thing. And I have seen some people bring up the subject, but I've not found a comment that addressed my question.. so please forgive me if this is a repeated question someone else has already asked.

I am in the NC stages with a guy, and have cut off all intimate connections with him, however.. we are still friends over Facebook. At times I will make posts and he will like them. (None of them in any relation to him of course.) I'm wondering if this is hurting the NC due to him being able to get a tiny window into my life without having to talk to me? There for .. is it taking away his ability to 'wonder' what I'm doing? I've blocked him from seeing 85% Of my Facebook page, but I'm wondering if that's not enough and he should be blocked all together? I don't talk to him or anything, and honestly, I forget he can see my stuff sometimes until he likes it.

So... my question is, regarding something like social media, should we also delete / block them from being able to see what we are up to? In a way I feel like this gets them to see we can live our days without them, but I also think it allows them to keep tabs on us, without having to talk to us. So I've been a bit confused about what would be the best to help with NC.

If you find the time to answer, Thank you! However..after reading all these comments, I know how busy you can get. Thank you so much for all you do and all the help you offer us. If you can't get around to answering..it's ok. :)

- Aries Girl; April 22, 2014 at 12:57 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Clarissa,
"If they delete your number and respond with "who is is this?" should you tell them hey it's so and so or give up?"

If they've deleted your number, that's your answer right there. The guy isn't worth another ounce of your time dear. I would not explain myself nor grovel for a crumb of his attention of give him the satisfaction of seeing me do so. I'd leave him in my past...where he now belongs, and where he's placed himself :-); April 22, 2014 at 8:51 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Aries Girl,
"my question is, regarding something like social media, should we also delete / block them from being able to see what we are up to?"

I would not permit this to be seen if you're serious about this for the reasons you've mentioned. At the very least, I would block him from seeing my updates. All he'd be able to see is old news because those that like to play games....they will use social media to manipulate you into playing along eventually.; April 22, 2014 at 8:55 AM
Unknown said...: @MOA that makes sense. I want to try the no contact thing with this guy I'm dating and I'm kind of playing scenarios in my head. This guy I've been dating for two months now started out awesome. He took me out on dates and paid, called me just to talk and texted me every other day. After our 5th date we had sex. Then he stopped trying kind of. He still calls and texts to check on me sometimes, he has stood me up once and canceled a few hang outs shortly after setting it up and the times we finally did hang out all we did was fool around. I haven't been in many relationships so I don't know if it's all sex once you're with someone, but I do know that I'm not having fun anymore. I'm disappointed because he went from my dream guy that treated me exactly how I should and want to be treated to someone that makes me sad. I talked to him about ditching me and taking me out more, but he hasn't changed much, so I want to do the no contact thing. I know I can handle not talking to him, but I was wondering if no contact works with people that are only dating? If so would I have to say something to him first or do I just disappear?; April 22, 2014 at 6:26 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi M.O.A.
So I met this guy online. We've talked on the phone a few times, but haven't met yet. The other day, he didn't call me, but he sent me a text. I responded to his text and that was that for that day. Today, I haven't heard from him, but received a text from him saying that he hasn't heard from me today. Now WAS I suppose to call or text him today???? What's up with these phone thing? He's a couple of years older than I which I am fine with. He's 43! I usually let the man call or text me. I don't respond immediately, but I do respond. Now should I have called him or reached out to him in any way today since he didn't call me yesterday? Or, if he really wants to talk to me he'll call. Oh, we haven't met yet. We've only had a few phone conversations. I've also met another guy on the same website. I've have heard more from him than the other guy that sent that text. What's a woman to do?; April 22, 2014 at 9:57 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror,

Thank you for the response and finding the time to respond. I thought maybe that was the best thing to do, but I was unsure. I am new to using NC and was a bit unsure how to handle the "social media" part of it. He is blocked from seeing my more personal updates. However some subjects I post about are public as I am also a known artist. When I make public posts, he can see those and at times, he will like what I've posted about. And even though it's nice that he somewhat pays attention there, that isn't fixing the problem or the reason why I've started NC in the first place. (Taking me for granted is the reason why I've started it) But I was starting to wonder if him even getting to see those posts might be hurting the outcome NC could have.

This site is safe, as my only social media interaction with this guy happens on one particular site. So I felt safe asking it. Again, I can't thank you enough for how wonderful and helpful your site has been to me personally. I always come back and re-read things when I am starting to feel myself get a little soft. So thank you for all the hard work you do here.

From
Aries girl; April 23, 2014 at 2:52 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,
I would be very greatful if you could advise me in the following situation.
I met this guy online who is a Sagittarius. I am a Scorpio girl. The first time the messages were pretty short but sweet, the contact continued with texting the same day he initiated contact with me. After a couple of days we had our first date which went really good. He seemed very charming and thoughtful. I did tell him that he is better in real life because on text he came over very uninterested. He told me that texting is not his thing and he is face to face kind of person (yeah right, he is online for hours). Anyway, first date went very well, we had a click. After we had dinner (he told me it was the first time he has dinner on the first date, normally it's just having drinks) we made out in his car. It all went so quickly but I stopped before we actually did it and then I explained to him that I was a virgin (yep, have been waiting for the one for my 26 years). Anyway, he understood this but he said that he is really attracted to me and that he wants to see me again. We both understood that the following date would include sex as I wanted this (stupid me) and he wanted it too. Next date followed three days later and we went to movies. After the movies we went to a hotel because he booked a room there. Anyway, we spent the night together and I lost my virginity to him. There was not much fire between us in the morning and he even told me that he was afraid that I would already want a relationship with him. I said of course not, it's only a second date and don't worry I am not pushy (I really am not, never text guys first or chase them). Because of that I thought it would be over as probably he only wanted to have sex with me. But when we parted he kept texting me, as always, very short messages.
To be continued; April 23, 2014 at 10:13 AM
Anonymous said...: He had been texting me for one month, in that time I went for one week holiday and he texted me every day how much he misses me and that he wants to see me again. There is one thing I didn't like about his texting: always very short (Hi, hey, how are you), only sometimes he would ask questions, but always very general, how is work and stuff like that. Also, when I would reply to his text or ask a question back, then it took him hours to reply while I saw he had been online on whatsapp many times and for a long time. Sometimes he would ignore my question and just start over the next day with a new "Hi". (By the way, he was acting like this from the beginning, it's not like it started after our dates. Even during our first contact I was surprised because normally guys are very chatty especially in the beginning). I started to mirror his behaviour but he sometimes got a bit mad about it. If I didn't reply his question for some hours, he would ask it again and again and would be like "where are you?" I guess it's a sag thing ;). I still kept mirroring his behaviour and sometimes ignoring his questions. He never asked my last name also. I have always been very cold and not interested with him, never texted first, never suggested a meet up but would only tell him when I am available when he asked. So in that month he cancelled two dates (on the same day and pretty last minute). I felt like he is playing games with me. Anyway, after a month we finally got our third date. The date went again amazing, he was pretty sweet, but still a very sag character. I was teasing him a lot, when he asked if I missed him I would no. I said that I see he as someone who will never commit to which he objected and told me he is not against commitment and marriage at all (he had a long term relationship with a girl he wanted to marry but she cheated on him). Anyway, again on the third date we made out and had sex. When we said goodbye he was very sweet, we didn't make any plans for the next date. Now, after that date I haven't heard from him for 2 days. This is kind of bothering me because he used to text me every single day before that. I know I shouldn't have slept with him in the first place, but what happened has happened. But I also did a couple of things good: I never initiated contact, mirrored his behaviour all the time, never said anything like I miss you or give him kisses back when he sent those. I also haven't texted him in these 2 days and I am not planning to. I am pretty attractive and he knows I can get any guy I want. I am not in love with him but I really want to 'win' this game he has been playing. We do have a lot in common and are attracted to each other. He is kind of a macho guy and he told me he has had thousands of dates through that dating site, although he hasn't been very active since we started to date. Given this situation, what do you think is going on here and how do you think I should act to make him reappear on me and not disappear again? One thing I do understand is that I should definitely hold off sex if he would reappear again and I shouldn't have had it in the first place.
Scorpio girl; April 23, 2014 at 10:13 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror,

I was with my ex boyfriend for 2 and a half years with 3 short break ups in between. I have recently split up with him 3 days ago due to the fact im never put first and he shows more attention to his friend than me. I am 19 and he is 21. I have took him off every social networking site that i had him on. I have been told that hes attempting to speak to other girls.. do you think this is to try and make me jealous or do you think he has genuinely moved on? When i broke up with him i told him it was because i would not be second best and would certainly not fight for his attention and the answer i got was ' making excuses yet again' . He also lives with another lad at the same age as himself. Im finding the no contact very hard but trying my very best. Do you think he will get back in touch? im just worried that he may think i dont care if i dont contact him? all i want is for him to put me before his friends. We have had this problem for a few months now and ive always thought he will change but he isnt appearing to do so.. Please give me some advice.

He is an Aquiarius and im Libra if that makes any difference. Thankyou.; April 23, 2014 at 5:23 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Clarissa,
"I was wondering if no contact works with people that are only dating"

Nothing is a guarantee dear. There's no guarantee men will come back and you have to ask yourself, do you really even want a man that's taking you for granted back in your life, ya' know?

At the very least, it just about ALWAYS works to detach yourself from them emotionally so that you can find a man that does care to fulfill your needs :-)

"If so would I have to say something to him first or do I just disappear?"

Explaining yourself completely defeats the purpose. It removes the worry and uncertainty from the situation and without that, the psychological thought process cannot kick in...because it's the worry, concern and uncertainty that jump starts it.; April 24, 2014 at 4:03 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 22, 9:57 PM,
"What's a woman to do?"

Get rid of the lazy flake that's already throwing out red flags - and place your energy and focus on the guy that's proving himself to you instead :-)

This guys behavior is signaling the he expects you to chase him. He's signaling that he wants you to do all of the work here, instead of manning up and taking the lead as a man should. Dating a guy like that is frustrating, no fun and very disappointing - if he's disappointing you this early on and letting you down, that won't change in the future.; April 24, 2014 at 4:07 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Scorpio Girl,
"I started to mirror his behaviour but he sometimes got a bit mad about it. If I didn't reply his question for some hours, he would ask it again and again and would be like "where are you?" I guess it's a sag thing"

No dear, that's not a Sag thing - it's insecurity and control.

"what do you think is going on here and how do you think I should act to make him reappear on me and not disappear again?"

You can't control other people dear. And you really cannot control a player. I'm sorry, but that's what this man is - a player. He is clearly NOT a man seeking a serious relationship. If he was, he wouldn't have don this: "he has had thousands of dates through that dating site."

Thousands of dates and he hasn't found a relationship? Yea. That's because he isn't seeking one. He's a "good time" guy and in true Sag form, he likes the "journey" of it all, the adventure (a variety of experiences with many women)....and not the end result (a relationship with one woman).

I'm sorry to say it dear, but this guy isn't going to settle down with one woman. The best he'll ever be to you is a guy that swings around on occasion, sporadically, to casually date (have sex). If I were you, I'd write him off as "relationship" material because his behavior, regardless of his WORDS, his ACTIONS show otherwise :-(; April 24, 2014 at 4:16 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 23, 5:23 PM,
"im just worried that he may think i dont care if i dont contact him?"

Well, don't you think HE should be worried that YOU might think HE doesn't care if he doesn't contact YOU?

If you feel like you have to constantly remind a man that you exist dear, or he'll forget about you if you don't, then that's not the man for you :-(

The man for you will WANT to let you know he cares and he will do what it takes to prove that to you. The man for you will WANT to fulfill your needs, he won't mock you with childish statements when you try to share with him. Immature men act like children - gentlemen do not. And there's a very big difference between an immature man and a gentleman.

And you want a gentlemen dear...not an immature man-boy.

"We have had this problem for a few months now and ive always thought he will change but he isnt appearing to do so"

That should tell you something dear. His actions should tell you something. If he isn't changing now, he's not going to change in the future. People are who they are dear and the best you can do here is accept that. Accept that this man isn't your match, he doesn't care to make you happy or fulfill your needs, and he makes you feel bad about yourself.

That's no woman's idea of Price Charming dear. You deserve much better than that. Free yourself of him so that you can meet a man that values and appreciates you and wants to make you happy :-); April 24, 2014 at 4:22 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
Shared this on another post here and thought I'd share it here as well for those subscribed to this thread:

VERY interesting piece gals on the psychological effect called "The Benjamin Franklin Effect:"

"It's an idea rooted in "The Benjamin Franklin Effect" -- a psychological phenomenon, discovered by the founding father himself, that suggests we grow to like people for whom we do nice things.

The folks at Soul Pancake decided to put this effect to the test in their latest video about the science of love. They recruited several couples to participate in the experiment; while one parter spent the entire time doting on the other -- verbally expressing their love in various ways and even bringing their partner a drink -- the other partner did nothing.

At the end of the experiment, the partners who spent their time being overly nice were five percent more attracted to their significant others than they were at the beginning of the exercise, based on questionnaires taken before and after the test.

The takeaway?

"Make sure you allow room in the relationship for the other person to also give it back and invest in you," host Julian says. "So maybe don't insist on paying the bill every time, or driving to their place every time. Give them a shot to invest and put just as much into as you do ... give your partner a chance to contribute."

And there's a video to accompany it that explains the effect: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMsxYztfrvA

Moral of the Story: The more you "do, do, do" for these guys...the more YOU like THEM. It's NOT the other way around. Refrain from "do, do, doing" all the time for them and let them invest in you for once :-); April 24, 2014 at 4:28 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you so much for your response, MOA! I guess I should follow my gut here and indeed just let this Sag go. I definitely don't want to spend too much energy on someone so insecure and immature. He did reappear on me but I am just ignoring him, which is not that difficult as I am also dating another guy (Aquiarius) who is a real gentlemen and makes a lot of effort (I hope not to blow it!)
Scorpio Girl; April 25, 2014 at 8:45 AM
confusedlady said...: Hi Mirror, I want to thank you for this very informative site. I have a guy that I met about 3 weeks ago and we were texting back and forth to each other every day mostly text being intiated from him and I seen him a couple times during the week He would text me every day from work asking me to come see him.. Well we both had talks about what we wanted out of our relations..he told me he wanted friendship,companionship,love and sex and I agreed because I'm not ready for a full relationship now as I have been single and sexless for quite awhile by choice. Well long story short we had sex on the 3rd week and after sex he cuddled with me & held me for a hour & stayed all night snoring lol. Next morning he had to leave & I had things planned but he hugged me so loving real tight and kissed me on my neck & Cheek. So now he does not text me unless I text him mostly but he texts me right back and says "Hi Beautiful & how I'm doing and that he miss me but he has not planned when to get back together. I asked him to call me & he did and I asked what was up and gave him a out but he said he wanted to see where this could go & that he is not just in it for just sex but he connected with me on a different level. He also said he not going anywhere and misses me and wants more of me but he does work a lot 4-5 days like 10 hour plus shifts. I told him before we slept together I'm not looking for a 1 night stand if he was that guy I would pass on it but he said that he needs more then one night and he the man that loves unconditional and forever. I have not texted him going on 3 days now and have not heard anything from him yet but I will wait. This guy is a bit younger then me and works a job that he is not proud of and I have a very expensive home and car and he did mention that I have a beautiful home and that he don't intend on doing manual labor for the rest of his life.Is he intimidated by what I have and me being older? I admit I made a mistake and was to clingy before seeing this site..I pressured him by asking him on text when can him come over for round 2 and he said he want to come asap when he can and I asked if could come after work at 1am and then he said "baby Im going to pick a better time and did not tell me anytime. What do you guys think is he stringing me along or does he appear to have feelings and seem interested? I like this guy but I really don't want a full on relationship now at this point in my life but I get that maybe he did not like me appearing to use him as a sex toy. What should I do and what do you think? When I texted him after we had sex he would always text me right back within 20 min and tell me he missed me even though I didn't say this to him and he would still call me beautiful. If he is not interested why would he text me right back anytime I text him instead of just not answering and moving on?; April 27, 2014 at 7:16 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @ConfusedLady,
"Is he intimidated by what I have and me being older?"

Possibly, but I think what's really going on here is...he's casually dating you and you agree to that. And the definition of casual is, "occasional, sporadic and unconcerned." When dating casually, you can't expect relationship treatment (texting/talking daily, seeing each other regularly, etc.) and I think he's simply approaching this casually.

"What do you guys think is he stringing me along or does he appear to have feelings and seem interested?"

I think he's doing exactly what you agreed to do with him dear which is "he told me he wanted friendship, companionship, love and sex and I agreed because I'm not ready for a full relationship now." He's casually dating you. And again, when you've agreed to something casual, you can't expect much besides something sporadic, occasional and occurring from time to time.

"If he is not interested why would he text me right back anytime I text him instead of just not answering and moving on?"

Because he's keeping his options open dear. He's interested, he's just not interested in anything regular is all it appears. I think he's interested in something convenient (to him) and I think he also knows that when women start to sleep with a man regularly, as Mother Nature would have it, endorphines are released in the woman's brain (commonly called the cuddle drug) that begin to emotionally bond her to the man...while the exact opposite occurs in the male brain (he gets a big boost of testosterone, which makes him want to mate even more but with various women). And I think he's avoiding having this become something regular because he's avoiding any emotional attachment here that could come as a result. When women start calling, texting, asking to see a man, etc. - men read "relationship" into that. Additionally, many men prefer being in the lead and when a woman becomes the aggressor (the masculine role) and the man is now in the role of "submit" (the feminine role), many times, that backfires and it causes the man to pull back. Many times they're not even sure why they're doing that, but I think it has a lot to do with the flip flop of gender roles and the fact that they're uncomfortable with that on a primal level.

"What should I do"

Cease contacting him, go silent, and see if HE comes to YOU :-); April 28, 2014 at 8:49 AM
confusedlady said...: Hi Moa, Thanks for your input as it sounds correct. One more thing..Days before we engaged in our sexually escapade I told him I'm not a one night stand type person and if he was in it for that then I would rather pass but he told me this"I'm the type of guy that needs more then one night and Im a guy that loves unconditional and forever" So what does that mean..was it game just to get in my pants or something else. After we had sex and while cuddling I told him and I know it was stupid of me but I said I would like to continue this and if he can come over when I want to hook up it would be great and he told me"Yeah I can do that no problem"So why say he can come when I need him and then not want to do it? Last I talked to him he said he wanted to see where this goes so it seems to me I'm wiling to accept no relationship but more of a fwb type have sex when I want type deal but he can't accept that? Why can't men just accept that if a women just want a fwb type relations with occasional text once a week or so to let us know your still there and be ok with it and not play games? I have not contacted him in 4 days but do you think he will contact back if I continue to not contact him? When should I move on from this if he does not contact me? I'm just a person that don't like hooking up with different people for fwb type relations and frankly he is my only one in over 3 years for me. Do you think I was asking to much to just have a fwb relations and maybe a text once a week or so to let me know you still interested?; April 28, 2014 at 1:40 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @confusedlady,
"I'm the type of guy that needs more then one night and Im a guy that loves unconditional and forever" So what does that mean?"

It may have been a flowery way of saying, "Once I've known someone intimately, I will always have a place for that individual." But that "place" may simply reside in his mind/heart and not necessarily literally in reality.

"So why say he can come when I need him and then not want to do it?"

There could be a multitude of reasons, however let's face it, many men have a tendency to tell women exactly what they think the woman wants to hear (rather than enter into a debate, confrontation, etc. by disagreeing or saying no.) That's how they keep their options open (for sex) without burning bridges (pissing the woman off).

"I'm wiling to accept no relationship but more of a fwb type have sex when I want type deal but he can't accept that?"

He may or may not accept that - and he may or may not accept it...when it's convenient to HIM. Additionally, when a woman starts demanding a man's time, many men will instinctively pull back on her because to them, that behavior from a woman signals "relationship" and alarm bells start to sound off in their head, LOL.

"Why can't men just accept that if a women just want a fwb type relations with occasional text once a week or so to let us know your still there and be ok with it and not play games?"

Because I think men instinctively know that those "arrangements" generally don't last long under similar conditions. Meaning, men know that women bond through sex. And they know that when a woman starts demanding more of their time, she may be getting attached emotionally. And even if in that moment, she's not attached emotionally, to men that translates to "Okay maybe not yet - but she will be if this continues, so I better pace this out and put the brakes on so that doesn't happen."

"I have not contacted him in 4 days but do you think he will contact back if I continue to not contact him?"

He may or may not - and if he doesn't, that should tell you something, ya' know? If it's you that's single handedly carrying this relationship along, is it even one worth having then?

"When should I move on from this if he does not contact me?"

There's nothing to "move on" from dear - meaning, this isn't a relationship, there are no commitments in place here and you're not "stuck" in this...you're free to do as you please, when, where, however you want and with whomever you want - as is he, due to the casual arrangement that exists.

"I'm just a person that don't like hooking up with different people for fwb type relations"

Well, that's kinda' confusing dear because when you're only dating one person - it's a relationship. You're committing yourself to dating one man, and that very man is not committing himself to only dating one woman, you. So it's a bit unbalanced and confusing.

"Do you think I was asking to much to just have a fwb relations and maybe a text once a week or so to let me know you still interested?"

Well, I think asking anything when in a casual arrangement like this is probably asking too much. The entire reason people agree to these casual arrangements is so that they don't have to answer to someone, ya' know?; April 28, 2014 at 4:16 PM
confusedlady said...: Hey Moa, You have helped me more then you know and I will take your advise. Its hard to hear the truth sometimes but its better to hear the truth rather than a sugar coated fairy tale :-). This is a lesson learned for me and now I will just go back to being single and drama free lol.; April 28, 2014 at 5:15 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MoA,
It seemed my guy resurfaced after a good chunk of time of NC. However, what he said was pretty self involving. "Hi. So this bad thing happened to me the other day" etc.. I didn't respond to it. I know that you said the reactions and thoughts men have when they notice you not responding would be, but I was curious to what a man might think about it. So I went and asked a really close male friend of mine if a woman did this to him, would he always be wondering and thinking about her? He said no. That if he tried to talk to a woman and she didn't respond, he would write it off as her being busy, or to her no longer wanting to talk to him. If it was the later one, then he wouldn't contact her again and move on. I pointed out the reasons for the woman's action, bad treatment. He said he would understand the lack of an answer and would attribute it to her being mad at him.. so he would leave her alone and let her contact him when she was done being mad. All in all he said a woman acting like that feels like game playing and it would turn him off of her. When I asked if her lack of response would make him wonder and worry, he said not really. He would take it as her no longer interested and wouldn't try to contact her again. He also pointed out that men don't think and worry about that stuff like a woman does. So now I'm a wondering if doing NC has ever really worked out for a woman in the end? Has any guys ever admitted to this tactic ever working?

I know when a man pulls this stunt, it drives us crazy. We think he isn't interested and our brains get stuck on the why. When a woman pulls the same stunt, a man assumes she's not interested and just moves on. He doesn't dwell on it like woman do. Says my friend. So..are we projecting how we feel and act when this happens, onto men, thinking they will feel the same if it's done to them?

When I started pulling NC, I felt empowered. Like it could work and the guy wouldn't be able to stop dwelling on why I'm not talking to him. However, now I'm worried doing NC has the opposite effect? I'm not feeling as sure about doing it as I once was, however..I still haven't responded to my crushes text. If anything I'm mirroring his behavior. I guess I still hope in doing so it will have the outcome this article says it might. My guy friend just took the wind out of my sails with his statements. He is one of those good guys who always gets "friend zoned" but when he is in a relationship, he treats a woman wonderfully. He isn't the player type. Another reason I felt his answer would be more credible. Can I ask your thoughts? I'm pretty torn on what the right move is now.; April 30, 2014 at 12:42 AM
Rahsia Awet Muda said...: Wow...your articles are amazing..you're full of insights and you really listened well to all before answering them..i can say, from your honest and sincere feedbacks are like medicines to wounded and confused heart..tq so much..wish more authors are like you .congrats n tq..u made my day too. God bless :); April 30, 2014 at 1:32 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 30, 12:42 AM,
Sweetie, never listen to a man LOL. Just kidding. However, you need to understand that NC has several purposes, only one of them being "get the guy back" and you also need to realize that it's the level of the man's interest in the first place that may, or may not, bring the man back.

Your friends reaction, yea, that's the reaction of a half interested man. A man that wasn't very interested in the first place, a man who honestly acts like he doesn't give a rats ass, a guy who immediately assumes the worst and a man who...probably gets friend zoned often because of his attitude.

Additionally, I really don't think he gave honest answers to the questions and I think he let his ego get in the way when he responded because some of his answers aren't realistic. Like this, "I went and asked a really close male friend of mine if a woman did this to him, would he always be wondering and thinking about her? He said no."

That's almost laughable. Is he serious with that? I mean c'mon, you're speaking to someone, you're having a good time, they just up and disappear...and you don't think about them or wonder what happened...EVER?? You just go on about your life, never giving it a single thought?? Yea, right. Nope, I'm not buying that one - unless he's some emotionless sociopath or narcissist or something. That's simply not realistic and frankly, I don't believe he gave it real thought and I don't believe he was genuine in his response.

"That if he tried to talk to a woman and she didn't respond, he would write it off as her being busy, or to her no longer wanting to talk to him...If it was the later one, then he wouldn't contact her again and move on. I pointed out the reasons for the woman's action, bad treatment. He said he would understand the lack of an answer and would attribute it to her being mad at him.. so he would leave her alone and let her contact him when she was done being mad."

First he claims it's "she's busy" or "didn't want to talk to him." Next, he claims he wouldn't understand the silence...but then turns around and ADMITS he would attribute it to her BEING MAD. Without even realizing it dear, he just WENT through the VERY PROCESS being discussed here, ultimately reaching the conclusion and understanding that her silence meant she's upset with him, LOL. He proved my point dear, without even realizing it...that silence leads to a very specific thought process psychologically that ultimately signals something is wrong and the individual is upset.

So what does he say next? "her being mad at him.. so he would leave her alone and let her contact him when she was done being mad." So let's think this through. He's reached the conclusion the woman would be mad at him, but after doing so...he DOESN'T feel that HE needs to APOLOGIZE and instead, feels the woman needs to come to him when she isn't mad, without him ever apologizing for upsetting her in the first place?

Umm, maybe that's another reason this guy is alone dear, LOL. If he pisses people off, he develops an attitude about it and doesn't feel the need to apologize. How is that ever going to lead to a successful relationship? When one individual never feels they need to apologize when they've wronged another individual? If that's truly his attitude about it, he's going to have trouble being in a relationship because of his attitude and his unwillingness to do the right thing and work at keeping it together.

Cont...; April 30, 2014 at 8:40 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "All in all he said a woman acting like that feels like game playing and it would turn him off of her."

Spoken like a true man LOL. So let's see, he's upset someone, he knows it, but he doesn't feel he needs to apologize or do the right thing, instead he feels the person that he upset needs to come to him...and he thinks the WOMAN is the one playing games? Umm, okay. How about his little game of, "I know I wronged you, I know you're upset with me, but I have an attitude and I'm not going to apologize to you, you're going to have to come to me."

"When I asked if her lack of response would make him wonder and worry, he said not really"

He didn't say no, he said "not really," which is secretly "yes" LOL. Again, I think this guy's attitude is somewhat in his way here.

"He also pointed out that men don't think and worry about that stuff like a woman does."

While they may not do it to the extent that women do it, does this guy seriously expect you to believe that he'd be clueless, never give it any thought whatsoever, and never wonder where the hell the woman went or why? Is he even human, LOL? He's contradicting himself anyway because he's already told you, "he would attribute it to her being mad at him." So how would he even reach that conclusion when supposedly, according to him, he'd never give it any thought whatsoever, LOL?

This guy's trying to come off as super-human in front of you dear and because of that, I don't believe the responses he's given are genuine.

"So now I'm a wondering if doing NC has ever really worked out for a woman in the end?"

It worked for you, "It seemed my guy resurfaced after a good chunk of time of NC." He came back right? Naturally dear, there are no guarantees in life and it all depends on the man's level of interest in the woman in the first place. Some come back, some don't. But NC isn't always about getting the guy back, it's about YOU. It's about detaching from him. If you're using it solely to get the guy back, you may or may not have success with that and that will depend on how interested the man was in the first place.

Men will come back after NC. There are women sharing stories of it in the comments here and also on this thread here:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/06/disappearing-reappearing-man-what-to-do.html

Do they always come back? Nope. Do they always apologize. Nope. Does it always have a fairy tale ending? Nope. Does the woman detach emotionally during it? Yep. Does it help her move on from a man that wasn't treating her properly? Yep. Does it help her see the real man and not the glorified fantasy version in her head? Yep.

Cont...; April 30, 2014 at 8:41 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "now I'm worried doing NC has the opposite effect?"

If it had the opposite effect and the guy wasn't giving a single thought to you, then why would he contact you?

"I guess I still hope in doing so it will have the outcome this article says it might."

There are no guarantees dear, it all depends on the man's level of interest.

"My guy friend just took the wind out of my sails with his statements."

Oh yea, Superman...your super-human male friend, who is affected by nothing, and does nothing about anything, LOL.

"He is one of those good guys who always gets "friend zoned"

Gee, wonder why. Could it be because he's always pretending as if he has no feelings/emotions and coming across as uninterested, LOL?

"He isn't the player type."

Maybe not dear, but I do sense this man has an attitude.

Do NC for yourself dear and forget about doing it to get the guy back. Why would you want to be with a guy that isn't showing you, or isn't willing to show you he wants to be with you anyway, ya' know? Who wants to be with a guy like that, that treats people like that? Don't worry about him, worry about yourself and your well-being and moving on. This guy has absolutely nothing to offer you but a bunch of bad treatment. Don't long for that in your life dear. Do this for YOU, not for him :-); April 30, 2014 at 8:41 AM
Anonymous said...: The April 30th Anon.

Haha great catch pointing some things out with my guy friend that I missed. I can see him trying to stick up for himself cause he's a guy, but when I go back and think on it..He was dating a woman for months, but she didn't exactly treat him nice. She kinda acted like a guy. Always agreeing to plans then flaking out every time. Wouldn't respond for days. It drove him nuts, but he ended up staying with her, hoping she would come around. She never did, so he finally broke it off. It probably made him a tad bitter.

I agree that if you care about someone, their random absents would bug you. And it would make you wonder. I pointed out to him that after a big fight we got into, I stopped talking to him for months, and he finally came to me and apologized. His response to that was "yeah, but a fight wasn't worth losing you as a friend, so I apologized." So I feel like he confirmed your point that a guy will seek you out if he has feelings for you (friendship or other).

With my crush, I waited a couple days then responded with an unbaited response. I was amused at how quick he was to answer back. He then asked me a random question, and I ignored him for a couple hours. When I did answer, it was just one word. He asked what was wrong after that because I made a Facebook post about being angry. (Unrelated issue). Again.. I waited a while before I responded. I didn't hear back from him after that. So it's back to NC. However..It feels different this time. I feel better about it. The answers I gave him were stale and emotionless. I didn't give any of my emotions away. I stayed detached. When he didn't respond, I didn't care. If he tries to talk to me again, depending on what he's says I may respond if I feel like it. Not not right away. He's not off the hook. The annoying problem with him is he is that type of guy who runs away when he knows someone is mad at him. I know this because I've been mad at him before and after a couple weeks of him avoiding me, I blew up at him. because I didn't understand it and said "How can you sit there knowing someone is upset with you and you do nothing to mend it?!" He said he hated conflict. Yeah, who doesn't? Waiting for my anger to blow over and I come talk to him again is not how to handle the 'someone is mad at you' problem. It feels selfish on his part. What person does nothing when they know they've upset someone they care about. I get the feeling that when he does finally figure it out, he will go run and hide till it blows over. It never blows over with me.

I know it wasn't best to respond to him. Thing is.. we aren't dating. We are also just friends, however we both know we have crushes on each other. We just live to far away. So I do give him some leeway that I wouldn't give a guy I was dating, but I don't excuse disrespectful behavior. Or taking someone for granted. Both actions he is guilty of. I didn't wait a whole 30 days, but I will make him wait for days or weeks before I respond. That is, if I feel like responding at all. It could become 30 days after a while.. because I feel myself not caring as much anymore. And I'm happy about that. You are right NC is about me. For a while I didn't think it would work for me like that, but I am happy that it has.; May 1, 2014 at 1:08 AM
Anonymous said...: MOA, what do you do if you work with the man? And you are required to stay in contact with him via texts and emails about the where and when of him doing his job?

Long story short, male at work showed strong interest in me, and I returned lighter, less obvious but I believe clear interest, we ended it with a hug, and that was that. Since then, we have texted and emailed each other a couple of times but it's been strictly work-related. His interest in me seems to have flatlined.

I'm fine with walking away but I need to know how to do No Contact when work forces contact.; May 1, 2014 at 1:28 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 1, 1:28 AM,
You're probably not going to be able to do this given your current situation and I'm not quite sure I'd use NC on a man that hasn't really done anything wrong, ya' know? It's really meant for purposes when you're being treated badly, taken for granted, giving space, surviving a breakup, or to get over the guy and to emotionally detach and I'm not quite sure this situation applies so give it some thought first :-); May 1, 2014 at 5:39 PM
Anonymous said...: So I've got one for you... I'm not sure if I should go no contact or what on this guy. We've been seeing eachother about one month.. and we get along really well. Very comfortable with one another. Same humor, same tastes.. He left for a 2 week road trip and it was still so early into dating him that i didnt expect any calls or txts from him at all, but he would send a cute txt or pic of him on the road every few days. I'd always comment back very lightly. This past wednesday, I noticed that i hadn't heard from him in almost 3 days.. So I sent him a pic and invited him to a wine tasting event taking place in a few weeks.. He responded right away with a yes.. but added that he may have to work later that day, and if so he wouldn't able to go. I was getting ready to txt him back and he sent another message.. He said he'd be back in town late that night, and asked how i've been. I kept it light again.. said that i'm doing great! enjoying the sunshine here :) I didn't recieve a response. Then late last night.. over 24 hours later.. I got another txt from him saying that he does have to work that particular day (day of the wine tasting) and added "damn!"... I have had very bad luck with players in the past. I hoped this guy was different. He seemed different. But that response seemed almost staged. I did respond to it. I left it light again. He hasn't responded back. I'm sort of confused now.. part of me feels like for whatever reason he's suddenly done.. but the other part of me isn't sure at all. The thing that keeps me confused is that he kept sending pics and messages to me while he was gone. I'm not sure if I'm over-thinking this and everything is fine.. or if maybe its time to start moving on, and not try to contact again. What do you think? -Penny; May 2, 2014 at 12:35 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Penny,
I don't think I'd freeze him out completely with no contact, however, I would definitely cease asking him out, inviting him out, and I would also cease responding in a timely manner. Meaning, let hours go before you respond to him and/or even overnight.

With many men, once they sense you're eager for them (initiating contact, inviting them out, etc.), they can kinda' become smug and uninterested after that, placing you on the backburner so-to-speak, comfortable with the reassurance your providing them (of always being available, asking them out, contacting them, etc.) and they figure, what the heck, she'll still be there even if I do my own thing here for a while.

When you start to see that happening, you can't give them that type of reassurance anymore. Even if you don't think there's any harm in being the once to ask them on a date or initiate contact with them when doing so, men are instinctual about women and they read that as "she's so into me" - they feel that behavior reassures them of that - and when many men get that vibe from a woman, for some unknown reason, they take off to do their own thing and/or become uninterested or less attracted somehow.

Men like a challenge, they like competition (hence their love of sports) and it gets their blood pumping. Disappear for a while and don't jump on the calls, texts, etc. and pull back on him significantly - get him wondering and thinking - and see what happens :-); May 2, 2014 at 6:53 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi
I wonder if you could point me in the right direction. My partner and I have been together for 5 years, living together for 3. Last year he found a new job working in an office after working from home for years. To cut a long story short, he has been seeing a woman from work, I found out he was lying about where he was going. He admitted seeing her and having sex with her and that he is totally obsessed with her, and her with him. I told him to leave 2 weeks ago. He left with a few of his things and went to be with her. I believe he's been seeing her a couple of months. All his things are here, he emailed me about 10 days ago to ask about coming to collect his belongings, I told him that I had packed as much of his clothes a I could and he could come and get them, but that I couldn't bear to see him right now. We spoke on the phone, which ended up with me and him crying. He is basically an insecure person who needs a lot of reassurance. I miss him so much, he hasn't called to make arrangements to pick things up. I am afraid that he will either live with her or find a new place to stay, which he can't afford to do. I cry myself to sleep, I am a mess, I miss him so much. I managed to force myself to remove him from my friends list on Facebook, he had already temporarily deactived his account on FB but came back on a few days ago. I kept my FB public and put a photo of my new hairstyle on and a few photos of me out with friends. I obviously did this so that he could still see them. I have now changed back to FB being for my friends only. Should I keep no contact, want him back so badly, but he appears to be in love with this other woman. I don't know what to do. I am Virgo, he is Sagittarius, although I'm not sure if that makes any difference. Many thanks; May 3, 2014 at 12:15 PM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror,
Great advice! Thank you so much. I have a clearer view now and will take your advice :) -Penny; May 3, 2014 at 4:45 PM
helgsss said...: We met in a class.
Recently things started to heat up.
He told me he was going away for the summer, and I took that as "don't get too attached." But we both started spending a good bit of time together, and I think it just sort of happened.

He wined me, dined me, spent all his free time with me. He told me he felt comfortable around me, and I an aquarius, stroked his ego to it's heart's content.

We were both pretty equally initiating contact, although he definitely put in more effort to run into me than I did to him.

I know he's been very successful in his life, he's always in charge of something. leading something, in pictures or on public display. He's never really had a chance to make mistakes, or just do what he wants without being judged for his actions or jeopardizing his appearance, and that is quite a feat for someone in their college years. I started to realize that him going away was definitely best, and wouldn't want missing me to become a distraction from the self discovery I think he needs.

Then things started getting sexual. Not all the way... but you know. Sparks were flying. We were both very happy. He loves to cuddle.

The last night we spent together was at a dinner that I cooked for him at my apartment, he told me that he liked spending time with me and made a comment about how the thought of me with other men made him upset. My roommate and her bf were in a fight over infidelity, and that's what sparked that comment... I tried to admit that he was the only I was seeing, but I didn't want to get to deep into it, because that sounds like committed exclusivity... and he's about to go away.

Well we cuddled, morning cuddled, and he kissed me goodbye with a huge smile on his face... All communication ceased. I tried talking to him about a class related matter, and he didn't seem open to conversation. He ignored me in the class. And at this point he had basically ignored me for a week so I decided that he actually was an a$$wipe and decided not to ask him what happened.

He wound up texting me that night, that he was sorry for being rude to me during the class, and that he was starting to have feelings for me, but he didn't want them when he went away. He told me that I'm a wonderful girl and I deserved an explanation rather than being ignored.

He goes away in 2 weeks for 6 weeks, and he pulled the whole plug about 2 weeks ago. We never had any fights or disagreements, and I feel like if he just wanted sex and favors.. he would have manipulated up until he left, or at least tried to establish a friends with benefits agreement and try to put me on hold.. like any douche who has a chick who cooks them bacon after blowing them in the morning.

And I know he wants to have sex while he's gone too. There is nothing wrong with those desires or acting upon them when you're not in a relationship. He never verbalized it.... but I'm not stupid. I will admit that he seemed to be aware it might take me a while to have penetration with me, but he didn't seem like he was getting bored waiting. He told me I was definitely the wildest girl he's been with, and he never even got inside me hahaha.; May 3, 2014 at 8:50 PM
helgsss said...: continued:
I quit contacting him, hid him on facebook, and he can't seem to look at me when we run into each other. He followed me on instagram until I posted a picture of myself and then he unfollowed me about a week ago.

A few days ago some weather hit his hometown and I sent a quick "Heard about the tornados in your hometown, hope your friends and family are ok!" I didn't expect a response, but he started initiating a conversation and I kept it light and short before ending the interaction wishing him well this summer. I felt like having a drawn out interaction would be disrespectful to both of us because this can currently turn into nothing. He seemed kind of flirty and humorous in his texts, and asked me a question about school that he could have looked up himself. He also addressed me by my name in his last text wishing me well, which I did not respond to.

I have no intentions of contacting him further until he returns at the end of june... if I were to initiate, but I think that should be his job.

My question is... leos aren't know to come back are they? Since we weren't friends before, nor do we have similar social groups... do you do you think he'll contact me when he returns? I would like to have some sort of friendship that maybe leads to more with him... I really liked having him in my life even though it was very short.; May 3, 2014 at 8:50 PM
Unknown said...: Hi Mirror!!!! You gave me some great insight and advice on Man A (a Sag), who I adored who was definitely dating me in a casual manner. I used your advice, listened to my gut, maintained the boundaries I set and walked away. About 4 months later, I started dating someone from my past - Man B - (also a Sag). Things hadnt worked out the first time we dated. I was beginning to notice that Man B and I were incompatible in some key areas. He's good to me. He is attentive, calls, spends time with me, is thoughtful, but I'm almost sure he HATES children (I have two young ones), we are incompatible in some very big areas and the spark I feel with Man A isnt really there. Man A contacted me out of the blue after 6 months. I waited a few days to respond. He was eager to chat. The next day, he asked to see me. I was non committal, but agreed a few days later to meet him for lunch to catch up. There at the restaurant, he said he wanted me back and asked for another chance. Since the Man B hasn't asked for exclusivity (the lesson you helped me learn with Man A the hard way), I said yes, but let him know that I *am* dating. He has been calling daily ever since. All of a sudden though, the man I used to adore seems much less "adorable". Funny how time changes things. Am I wrong to be dating two men at once? Do I have an obligation to disclose this to Man B? Since this is my second time dating Man A, should I still follow the new dating rules? I do feel more comfortable letting him do all the initiating. He says he wants to settle down and used the word serious. I'm waiting to see if words and actions match. In the meantime, are daily, late morning or mid afternoon phone calls lasting a few minutes sufficient to show effort? He promises to call later, but never does....unless by later, he means the next day. Man A is an attorney in private practice and divorced dad of three. Man B is a fireman and music industry exec with one grown son that he frequently refers to as a mistake. I am an Aries by the way. Thank you in advance :-); May 3, 2014 at 9:53 PM
Unknown said...: Hi Mirror!!!! You gave me some great insight and advice on Man A (a Sag), who I adored who was definitely dating me in a casual manner. I used your advice, listened to my gut, maintained the boundaries I set and walked away. About 4 months later, I started dating someone from my past - Man B - (also a Sag). Things hadnt worked out the first time we dated. I was beginning to notice that Man B and I were incompatible in some key areas. He's good to me. He is attentive, calls, spends time with me, is thoughtful, but I'm almost sure he HATES children (I have two young ones), we are incompatible in some very big areas and the spark I feel with Man A isnt really there. Man A contacted me out of the blue after 6 months. I waited a few days to respond. He was eager to chat. The next day, he asked to see me. I was non committal, but agreed a few days later to meet him for lunch to catch up. There at the restaurant, he said he wanted me back and asked for another chance. Since the Man B hasn't asked for exclusivity (the lesson you helped me learn with Man A the hard way), I said yes, but let him know that I *am* dating. He has been calling daily ever since. All of a sudden though, the man I used to adore seems much less "adorable". Funny how time changes things. Am I wrong to be dating two men at once? Do I have an obligation to disclose this to Man B? Since this is my second time dating Man A, should I still follow the new dating rules? I do feel more comfortable letting him do all the initiating. He says he wants to settle down and used the word serious. I'm waiting to see if words and actions match. In the meantime, are daily, late morning or mid afternoon phone calls lasting a few minutes sufficient to show effort? He promises to call later, but never does....unless by later, he means the next day. Man A is an attorney in private practice and divorced dad of three. Man B is a fireman and owns a record label with one grown son that he frequently refers to as the only mistake he made. I am an Aries by the way. Thank you in advance :-); May 3, 2014 at 9:57 PM
Anonymous said...: I am confused. How does this work exactly if:
--You met a guy. Guy is definitely smitten with you. Texts you daily and wants to see you 2-3 times a week during first 1.5 months of dating. HOWEVER, he does throw up some red flags that perhaps he expects you to chase him. (Will elaborate if needed).
--You say a few things that push him away (I have a wall up because of being hurt in the past).
--You talk things out.
--Texting has died down from daily to every other day (I refuse to text him first anymore).
--Instead of asking to see you 2-3 times a week, he now only asks to see you 2-3 times a month. (We do live 1.5 hours apart).

I have to say, I am somewhat concerned his religion may have some play in this. He coaches ball at a religious college, he joined a new religion based group in February. A few weeks back I asked if all was ok because I could sense his distance. He said "I like you but I have a problem. I have become closer to Christ and don't want to have sex anymore". I told him that was fine by me, I valued him more than sex. The next time I saw him I told him "I need to know if you are interested or not, it seems like you don't care about me anymore". He grabbed my head and said "You think too much." I don't remember the exact words, but he brought up "I had that issue but we already talked about it" (The no sex issue).
He assured me he'd get better at texting me more often, and he did for a few days,, but it's back to every other day again.

I really don't know where to go from here. I hate that he was so into me initially and now it is like he could care less. He's always been a weird texter from Day 1, but it's only gotten worse. When we are together, in person, it is pure bliss. But that is so infrequent now that I am lost.; May 4, 2014 at 3:48 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 3, 12:15 PM,
"I am afraid that he will either live with her or find a new place to stay"

Why are you fearful dear? Why fear losing a man that cheats, lies and takes you for granted and treats you poorly? Why wish that to remain in your life, ya' know? The best thing that could happen here is that he does indeed leave and frees you to find a man that appreciates you and respects you.

Read this dear:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html; May 4, 2014 at 8:55 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @helgsss,
"My question is... leos aren't know to come back are they?"

Their astrological sign has little to do with it dear. Almost ALL men circle back at some point in time. They're very good at pretending they don't and not acknowledging that most of them do, LOL. Regardless of what they claim, the reality is that approximately 90% of men return. On a thread on this site with over 3,000 comments on it, I asked women to do a little test. Write down all the men they've dated, then note the ones that they heard from again at some point after they stopped dating. And the reality became glaringly apparent....about 90% of men circled around to touch base again at some point in time.

It didn't matter if it was a hurtful parting with a nasty fight, it didn't matter if he left for another woman, it didn't matter what sign he was...nine of out ten returned. And the time frames for the returns were surprising. Some around 30 days later, some 90 days later, some 6 months later, some a year and I think one was even 3 years later...these guys were popping out of the woodwork, LOL.

"do you do you think he'll contact me when he returns?"

He may or he may not, you never know and there are no guarantees. If he doesn't, then that tells you something. And if he does, then you get to start all over again :-); May 4, 2014 at 9:05 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @helgsss,
Look at this from a comment left above:

"Man A (a Sag), who I adored who was definitely dating me in a casual manner. . .I used your advice, listened to my gut, maintained the boundaries I set and walked away. About 4 months later, I started dating someone else..."

"...[then] Man A contacted me out of the blue after 6 months."

There you go - 6 months later, LOL ;-); May 4, 2014 at 9:11 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 3, 9:53 PM,
"Am I wrong to be dating two men at once? Do I have an obligation to disclose this to Man B?"

If you are sleeping with him, yes, he should be made aware. If he's told you he loves you, yes, he should be made aware. If this is simply casual dating, no sex, it's not moving forward and appears to be going nowhere and is currently only sporadic in nature, then no, I wouldn't bother.

"Since this is my second time dating Man A, should I still follow the new dating rules?"

Absolutely. He needs to prove himself to you. He may have only returned to casually date you once again, so you can't issue him the benefit of doubt about anything here and you can't give him any slack. He has to prove himself genuinely serious to you, particularly if you're considering letting a perfectly good relationship go for him with this other man, ya' know?

You need to observe his behavior for a long time here to see if he walks the talk coming out of his mouth.

"In the meantime, are daily, late morning or mid afternoon phone calls lasting a few minutes sufficient to show effort?"

Well if you had just met this guy, I'd say yea. But...this is a returning man who, the first time around, did the SAME EXACT THING to you...treated it casually (sporadically, occasionally, etc.) So given the fact that he's returned and claimed he's serious, only to see that yet again, he's NOT stepping it up...not good dear and reeks of past behavior :-(

A man who is genuinely serious and truly wants a relationship with a woman...will behave exactly as that. He will ask to see her regularly, he will want to contact her regularly and he will want to spend time talking to her regularly...real talks, not small talk. A man who is genuinely interested goes for it dear. Particularly a man that's been extended a second chance after being dumped for being a jerk in the first place.

"He promises to call later, but never does, unless by later, he means the next day"

Not good dear. If he intends to call the next day, then why not just say, "I'll call you tomorrow." That's not what he's saying. He's manipulating you into thinking he's calling later that day, only to once again, let you down and disappoint you by not following through. His words aren't lining up with his actions. It doesn't take rocket science to make yourself clear. If you're going to call tomorrow, then just say "I'll call you tomorrow." If you're going to call later, then say, "I'll call you later."

This guy's saying one thing and doing another. He's being vague and he's not communicating clearly. He's behaving much like he probably did the first time around.

I'd be very leary of this returning man dear, Man A. Being an attorney, I'm sure he's well versed at debating topics and very carefully constructing his words. He's not an idiot with regards to communication and he should know when he's making himself clear and when he's purposefully being vague. I'm quite sure he uses that tactic to win cases, so he's smart enough to know the difference when using that type of communication style in his personal life.

Cont...; May 4, 2014 at 9:34 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: In law dear, in court, on contracts, you name it...wording is EVERYTHING. Communication and how you communicate is everything in that environment. One wrong word on a contract, your goose may be cooked. One wrong insinuation in court testimony that isn't clear and can be misinterpreted, your goose may be cooked. One vague sentence on a lease that isn't clearly spelled out, your goose may be cooked.

Again dear, this man's an attorney, he's not stupid, and he of all people has a very clear understanding of the importance of clear communication and the repercussions of not using it. And for that reason, I call bullsh*t on any attempts he'd make with regards to, "oh I didn't understand" or "oh I wasn't aware I was doing that."

An attorney knows, clearly understands and is extremely well versed in proper communication of the facts...he makes his living clarifying the facts.; May 4, 2014 at 9:34 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 4, 3:48 AM,
"I am confused. How does this work exactly if:
--You met a guy. Guy is definitely smitten with you. Texts you daily and wants to see you 2-3 times a week during first 1.5 months of dating. HOWEVER, he does throw up some red flags that perhaps he expects you to chase him. (Will elaborate if needed).
--You say a few things that push him away (I have a wall up because of being hurt in the past).
--You talk things out.
--Texting has died down from daily to every other day (I refuse to text him first anymore).
--Instead of asking to see you 2-3 times a week, he now only asks to see you 2-3 times a month. (We do live 1.5 hours apart). "

It works exactly as stated in the article dear - it helps YOU to detach from a man that's treating you poorly and taking you for granted.

"When we are together, in person, it is pure bliss. But that is so infrequent now that I am lost."

Don't be lost dear, LISTEN to what he's told you here:

"I like you but I have a problem. I have become closer to Christ and don't want to have sex anymore".

That means he doesn't want a romantic relationship. If anything, he only wants a friendship and friendship will be more casual in nature. You're not going to get relationship treatment from a man that doesn't want a romantic relationship, ya' know?

"I hate that he was so into me initially and now it is like he could care less."

It's not that he could care less dear, it's that he doesn't want a romantic relationship. He's not investing emotionally into anything like that. You are investing emotionally and you're viewing this as a romantic relationship, which you cannot do anymore. And that is the reason you need to use no contact. If you're getting hurt here and you're investing emotionally and you're viewing this as a romantic relationship...you need to cease doing so, pull back and start to detach emotionally in order to save yourself from being hurt any further. He's made himself clear, he wants no romantic relationship. As much as it hurts dear, you need to start to accept that. You need to view him as a friend and not a romantic potential. You need to understand that you don't want the same things. And if that is a problem for you dear and you want more than friendship, then you are free, he has freed you, to pursue that with someone else.

You can't change him, you can't control him and you cannot make him want a relationship. The only thing you can do is accept his truth, and then proceed accordingly for yourself with your happiness in mind :-); May 4, 2014 at 9:44 AM
Sarah said...: Hey,me and my boyfriend of 2 years broke up 1 month ago.
before the breakup, i felt he wasnt giving me enough attention and spent too much time with his friends, he didnt show me he cared even though he said he did. each time i started talking about the fact that he changed he told me that it was a result for my actions. by "my actions" he meant that there were a few stories where i wasnt very considerate to his feelings, although i did them all not on purpose. I know theres a big part of blame on my part, but can a person change 180 degrees like that ?!

that last 2 months of our relationship werent good. he kept saying he didnt know how to interact with me and that i hurt him that he dont know how to be around me anymore. in the past these 2 months i kept telling him that i couldnt be with him when hes treating me like that, and of course started being too obsessive asking too many questions and explanations for his actions.
Then i told him that nothing has changed from his part the 2 months and i just couldnt bare being with him when he was disrespectful to me. His reaction was "so lets breakup and it'll be easier for the both of us". I was heartbroken (stilll am), We agreed to arrange an appointment so we end this face to face (not on the phone) because, after all, we were in each others lives two years and the least we can do is end this propperly. And that was it.
I sent him a loooong message after that phone call, it was a friendly one telling him that - these two years with him were the best of my life, and that its a shame that it all ended, maybe we shouldve given each other some time to figure out what we wanted from each other, but i guess now is too late. and that i prefer to cope with the situation on my own right now so theres no need for us to see each other for a closure, and that if he need anything ill be there cause except for my boyfriend, he was my best friend... His responce for my message was very brief, it was something like : i dont know what to say, i feel the same thing, you knwo how much i loved you (LOVED as in past tense!). till today i have no idea why he responded this way, do you have a clue?

Any ways, after a week from the breakup we bumped into each other by accident and it was very short and friendly. but he only contacted me a few days ago (after 3 weeks of breakup), he called saying that he heard some stuff about me (i know what he was talking about, it was nothing serious, and he didnt know that i knew what he was talking about), and he refused to tell me what he was talking about and exaggerated about the situation... he said that he only told me that because he cared and wants me to watch out for my reputation (again, the story wasnt serious at all), and thats it. it was a 4 minute call, telling me to watch out. and i only returned his call because he sent me a message that he heard some things about me bla bla, which freaked me out.

I dont know what to do. we have been in no contact for a month now and he hasnt initiaed any contact except for the one mentioned above. What does that mean? our relationship was truely rare and special, and the way we felt towards each other can never be put into words... i still love him, and i know that when we broke up, he was in love with me too, but i have no idea what he feels or thinks now... i want to get back together and i know that no contact is the best way to do so... but im afraid giving him space and time might make him forget about me...

what do you think? sorry for the long post, theres so many details missing so my main questions are how long does it take for a guy to move on from a serious relationship? and why hasnt he contacted me yet? is there still a chance for us?; May 4, 2014 at 11:02 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello!

My boyfriend and I broke up several months ago. It was very serious, we were building a house together, had been together 4 years, had picked out rings and had three dogs together. I've watched my boyfriend's mental health decrease over the years as a result of the stress of his job and suspect he has depression. We had been fighting constantly and broke up after a big fight. We were on good terms after as we still lived together for two months and have nothing but good things to say about one another. I made it clear during this time I wanted him back and he said he loved me but felt as though he shouldn't be with me and felt he was sacrificing his happiness for me (I suspect committment issues - he is almost 30 btw). I was also VERY controlling during the relationship and he felt he couldnt make me happy. I told him if he ever changed his mind to contact me (I know, mistake) and he agreed. He then tried to take me on a roller coaster ride where he blamed me for many things (that were not my fault) and sent a few emails going off on me. I remained calm (which was very atypical of me) and simply stated, "I want you to be happy babe but you cannot take everything out on me any longer. I understand your decision to break up and agree with it now but you must understand that everything is the way that it is because of your decision. Please let me be happy." He apologized and told me he was seeking medical attention for "extreme highs and lows" I started no contact to work on myself and with the hopes he would work through his issues and we had no communication until my birthday which was exactly 2 months after I started no contact. He texted me to wish me a happy birthday and said he hoped that the dogs and I were doing great. I did not reply. He texted me again a couple weeks later - a completely random picture that was an inside joke from several years ago (I couldn't believe he even remembered this joke as I'd forgotten it). I waited about 24 hours and replied making a joke back to him and keeping it light. He responded immediately asking how the dogs and I were doing. I waited until the next day and replied with a picture of one of the dogs and simply wrote "good :)", He wrote back with a sad face and I did not reply again. This was almost a month ago and I haven't heard from him again. Ive always felt in my gut that we would get back together. We are both extremely stubborn people and I worry that he was testing the waters and I was cold and acted disinterested and didn't ask how he'd been and that sent the message that I was no longer interested. I still love him and miss him dearly. I've made so much progress working on myself and learning to manage my emotions and insecurities and truly feel we would have a successful relationship if we were to reconcile. I'm hoping you can provide your insight and advice for where to go from here : /

Thank you,
KH; May 4, 2014 at 2:49 PM
Unknown said...: Hi MOA,
This is anom from 9:53pm yesterday. Thank you! Im thinking of telling him it's over- no redos. I dont understand why he resurfaced and asked for another chance to put forth miminal effort. Hes surrounded by women who throw themselves at him, do why bother with me? Im not sure how to show or tell him that he has competition that's beating him or if it's even worth it. I tried being unavailable and not answer calls and delay responses, but he's persistent and unphased. Im hesitant to tell Man B that im still dating around. I dont want to look stupid by assuming that we have more than what we have. The last time we went out together, he introduced me as a friend. Your thoughts???; May 4, 2014 at 3:20 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks MOA. (The guy who doesn't want sex anymore). The confusion came into play because we had already had sex several times prior to him deciding he was "Closer to Christ and didn't want to have sex anymore". He met me mid-January and joined the religious group first of February. He was just SO into me: daily texts, flowers for Valentines, telling me over and over how much he liked me, wanting to see me frequently, very affectionate and sweet and kind. And now this? It just hurts so much.
Furthermore, confusing me even more is about a week prior to his revelation, he had asked me for a dirty picture. I said no and told him I was upset that is all he wanted. He got mad at ME then and said "Don't you get it that I want a relationship?" Then a week later came the speech he gave me about no sex.
So... Man is all over me initially, definitely interested. Starts pulling away. Then asks me for sexts. Then tells me he wants a relationship. Next tells me he doesn't want sex anymore. And now-barely any communication whatsoever. THAT is why I am here and why I am so utterly confused. All of that is giving me very mixed signals. YOU have stated he doesn't want a romantic relationship and I DO have to very much agree with that or he'd be asking to see me. However, he TOLD me he did want a relationship and when I asked him if he wanted me to just leave him alone he said "no". Sigh... I am confused. :( I'm just going to back off and let it be. He had asked to see me today but made no concrete plans. Here is is 3 pm and not a single word from him.; May 4, 2014 at 3:55 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 4, 3:55 PM,
"he TOLD me he did want a relationship...he doesn't want sex anymore. And now-barely any communication whatsoever"

Ignore WORDS dear, focus on ACTIONS. And when a man's words and his actions do not line up, that's a big red flag. Saying one thing and then turning around and doing another is a big red flag.

"he had asked me for a dirty picture. I said no and told him I was upset that is all he wanted. He got mad at ME then and said "Don't you get it that I want a relationship?"

That's ridiculous and this guy's all over the place and manipulative. So...according to him...men signal they want a relationship with a woman...by asking them to disrespect themselves and send him a dirty photo? That's absurd and he knows it. The reason he did that backpeddle there and shifted blame onto you was because he was manipulating his way out of it. He made a disrespectful request of you, you called him on it, he knew it was disrespectful and rather than apologize....he manipulated you into feeling guilty about being angry over it by claiming that was his signal he wanted a relationship with you. It's a classic example of a man emotionally manipulating a woman rather than being accountable and responsible for his own actions.

"All of that is giving me very mixed signals"

Ignore his words dear and focus only on his actions. As we all know, actions speak louder than words and words can be false.

"when I asked him if he wanted me to just leave him alone he said "no"

That's because once again, he's contradicting himself.

"He had asked to see me today but made no concrete plans. Here is is 3 pm and not a single word from him."

Again, saying one thing and then doing something completely different. Another red flag. I don't believe this man knows what he wants. He's contradicting himself all over the place and he's not being accountable for his own actions.

I would not respond to his next few communications. Nor would I agree to see him anytime soon. And I would definitely rethink sticking around in this man's life. You deserve to be happy and settling for less than you deserve will not make you happy. If he's found God and he wants to pursue that path, that's fine. But he should probably do that on his own and not expect someone he's been intimately involved with to stick around for that, while he yanks them on a yo-yo, up and down because he's confused and in the process of finding himself. When people are going through a stage like that, they need to do that on their own. It's not fair to wrap someone else up into the situation, expecting them to be sitting around waiting for you to find yourself.

He needs several weeks to himself without hearing from you. Let him get himself together and drill down to what it is he's really seeking here and let him understand that he needs to do that alone, without dragging you into it or expecting you to wait around for him.; May 5, 2014 at 7:55 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 4, 3:20 PM,
I wouldn't bother with this man dear, nor would I give him a second chance. It's clear he hasn't changed. He's resurfaced and he's treating you in the same exact manner he treated you before. He's making no real effort here and you have a man in your life already who IS making that effort. I wouldn't toss that away for a guy like this. He's clearly looking to date casually and dating casually is clearly not making you happy. This guy doesn't have time for a real relationship, nor does it appear he's making it a priority. I think you've seen enough from him already to make an informed decision. If I were you, I'd end it as you're already thinking about doing. This guy's already signaling he's going to disappoint you and hurt you if you invest in him. Cut him off before he gets the chance dear.; May 5, 2014 at 8:00 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sarah,
"how long does it take for a guy to move on from a serious relationship?"

That depends on how emotionally invested he was in the first place. If he was strongly invested, it could take months. If he wasn't, it could only take days.

"why hasnt he contacted me yet?"

Only he knows that dear. There are no guarantees in life and no contact is not a guarantee either. It all depends on the level of interest the man has. Genuinely interested men will return and contact a woman, men who were only half-interested may or may not return and men that weren't really interested, won't return at all.

"is there still a chance for us?"

I cannot predict that unfortunately dear. Again, it all depends on the level of genuine interest the man truly had.; May 5, 2014 at 8:05 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @KH,
"I worry that he was testing the waters and I was cold and acted disinterested and didn't ask how he'd been and that sent the message that I was no longer interested"

Well, if that's all it takes for him to think you're not interested after this amount of time and all you've been through, then that's HIS problem dear. You don't have to fall all over someone to prove you're interested. Additionally, if he was interested, he should've made himself clear - it should not be up to you to be jumping all around and up and down and falling all over his texts for him to get the message. A response is enough to signal you're receptive to him because anyone who isn't interested - DOESN'T respond - period.

"truly feel we would have a successful relationship if we were to reconcile"

What makes you think that dear? Because it seems to me based on your explanation "I've watched my boyfriend's mental health decrease over the years as a result of the stress of his job and suspect he has depression...felt as though he shouldn't be with me and felt he was sacrificing his happiness for me" that HE was the cause of the breakup and that HE didn't want to sacrifice HIS happiness for you.

Just because you reconcile doesn't mean that has gone away or that it would go away, ya' know? If the problem still exists and he still feels that way...then a reconciliation isn't all that's needed to have a successful relationship with him, so I'm not sure that simply reconciling would equal a successful relationship here :-(; May 5, 2014 at 4:39 PM
Anonymous said...: Ladies, If any of you are struggling with NC, please know that it does get easier with time! I've been doing NC with a man, and I've lost track of how many days it's been now whereas before I was aware. The losing track part just happens one day when you aren't even thinking about NC, and you suddenly realize, hey, I've lost count! One thing that REALLY helps is being busy. That's when you can easily lose track and realize that you don't really want/need that guy afterall! So have hope. NC is just tough in the beginning and then it gets easier, especially when you're really busy with something else, that speeds up the healing process.; May 7, 2014 at 2:12 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Wanted to get your advice. I’ve gone NC on my DM that I went on dates with for 3 months towards the end of last year (Confused front the Disappearing/Reappearing Man thread). He acknowledged that he liked me and did sweet things for me pretty often. However 3 months in he seemed to be confused on what he wanted and then said he didn’t want to get into another relationship yet because he didn’t want to get hurt. Like you said, he doesn’t seem self aware or is confused about what he wants, so I’ve pulled back. After that convo, he came back and started doing weird things like starting a text conversation and then not responding when I’d text back. That made me mad, so the next time he texted, I ignored it. He then calls me on a weekend morning to see how I’m doing, says he misses me, we should hang out soon. I ignored my urge to follow up with him about hanging out, and he must have noticed as he texts the week after asking where have I been? I reply nonchalantly that I’ve just been staying busy with work and such.

That was the last time that we spoke in mid-February. I felt that this was silly after the length of time we’ve gotten to know each other, so I decided not to be available to him anymore if he decided to initiate contact, as me no longer initiating or even giving dry, boring responses didn’t seem to help him “get it” that I’m drifting away. After that text, he disappeared for 3 weeks and then came back and texted Hi. I ignored it. A month goes by and then this past weekend, he calls on Saturday night but doesn’t leave a voicemail. Now it’s 4 days later and he texts last night while I’m sleeping saying “Hey.” This is technically his 3rd attempt after being ignored - but he’s not really saying anything of substance.

In the DM thread, you mentioned that my situation doesn’t necessarily require an apology because we never reached a point of commitment. But I do feel that because he seems confused about what he wants, he’s boomeranged back and forth between treating me really well and then falling off the face of the earth and somewhat taking me for granted that he can have access to me whenever he comes back. So should I respond to this third attempt? Or perhaps wait and see if he tries again a 4th time? Or no matter how many attempts he makes, should I see if he leaves a voicemail or text indicating that he’d like to talk? I myself don’t leave voicemails hardly ever, but maybe it’d be best to throw some more obstacles here? know it’s not likely for him to call up and say he wants to rethink not wanting a relationship, but I don’t want to give him my attention or a response if he hasn’t gone through the full process of seeing what it’s like when there’s “an end” to us. We haven’t talked for 2.5 months or so, but in terms of him initiating contact and me ignoring it, it’s been 1.5 months. I still really like him, but NC has helped me get my emotions in check again, which I'm thankful for so that I'm not as sprung over him lol.; May 8, 2014 at 8:52 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Confused,
Well, let's look at the reality here, the big picture. 3 months + 2.5 months = 5.5 and....nothing. There is absolutely nothing here for almost a six month time investment. And if a man doesn't express feelings for you or ask you for a commitment within the first six months, he's not going to dear. And acknowledging that is what will keep you from wasting another 2 years here.

This guy is playing games of sorts and he's looking for a text buddy or women to string along as options. He's not interested in a relationship, his actions signal the exact opposite. He's not looking to settle down and he could be stringing many other women along similarly. His actions are giving that away, that he does this in a rotation of sorts with probably more than one woman and when it's your turn in the rotation and your number comes up, he sends lame "taps" that mean nothing and only lead to small talk and him disappearing again. That's a man that's keeping the door cracked open, keeping his options open. It's also the sign of a man that toys with women.

"I still really like him"

Think about that dear. Why do you really like a guy that's treating you like this? Is he making you feel good? Is he fulfilling your needs? Does he treat you special and do nice things for you? No - he does absolutely nothing for you, he only causes you confusion and anxiety, he isn't concerned one bit with your needs, he takes you for granted and treats you poorly....this man has absolutely NOTHING to offer you dear. There's absolutely nothing to be attracted to here, ya' know?

He's using a short term strategy referred to as the "random reward system." He gives his attention in a random way, at different intervals. Watch this video, it explains fully:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs5KpdlA_L8; May 9, 2014 at 7:56 AM
Anonymous said...: From Confused:
Thanks, Mirror. I hear you loud and clear. After I ignored his phone call and "hey" message, he sent another text with a sad face. I'm just like really...how old are we?? Guess he's "sad" that I'm not responding, but that's on him. You would think NC would give them an out to go on their way and leave us alone if they don't want anything serious, but it baffles me that they keep coming back to serve up more BS just to see if you will take it and give them attention. I mistakenly thought that it was just our hearts and our bodies that we needed to be protective of, but I learned we should safeguard our time and attention as well as they will try to go after that too. Smh, lesson learned lol.; May 14, 2014 at 8:22 PM
Anonymous said...: I have been doing no-contact with a guy for at least 8 months now. I never had a real relationship with him other than him stringing me along for months and months without any dates ever materializing.I did come to really like him even though I know logically a relationship with him would never work. He is very flaky and would stand me up all the time. However, our plans were always vague and so I knew when I wouldn't hear from him on the day of the date that it wasn't happening. Sometimes, I would try to call him and he would just ignore my calls. So I never really got ready for a date or was too disappointed. I don't know why I continued making plans with him.I think he is kind of a player (ie very charming, smooth talking, attractive, etc.) He is the type that women find hard to resist.Anyway, while I'm doing no-contact he has tried to call me many times with "private caller" showing on my caller id, and other suspected attempts, but he never has tried to call with his name in the ID.I was doing really well until he recently called a couple times with his name showing on the id. He didn't leave me a message. One time was a weak night and once was early Saturday morning. I didn't pick up or call back.However, this really sets me back when this happens. I start thinking about him again and wondering if I am handling this right. Does he miss me and realize he messed up with me. Does he finally realize what a good catch I am?I am wondering if I should send him a brief, nice email just asking him not to contact me anymore. There was never a breakup conversation because there wasn't really a relationship. I just decided one day not to ever talk to him again (after the last no-show). Or is it best for me to just stay busy and stick to the no-contact rule?I appreciate your advice. You seem very wise about this stuff.; May 15, 2014 at 11:47 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 15, 11:47 PM,
Rather than focusing on getting the guy back dear, I'd like for you to focus on something else first. Ask yourself, "why do I want to be with a man that stands me up, takes me for granted and treats me poorly?" That's a very important question dear. Why do you deeply desire to be with a man that makes you feel bad about yourself, causes you anxiety, treats you poorly and takes you for granted? What's the attraction there? For that matter, what is there to be attracted to there?

A man like that will hurt you dear. Plain and simple, he will hurt you. Men who behave like that and treat others like that are generally not good people. They show that they don't care about others through their behavior. There are other ways to go about things besides being flat out rude, yet, this man chooses to take the flat out rude route, signaling that he's really not a good person dear. He could cancel a date, rather than stand you up, yet he doesn't. He could answer your calls and explain, yet, he chooses to ignore them. That's not a good person dear, that's not someone who shows he cares about others. So why wish for that type of energy to enter your life, ya' know? Why wish to bring problems and treatment like that upon yourself?

"I am wondering if I should send him a brief, nice email just asking him not to contact me anymore."

You don't owe this guy a thing, particularly and explanation. You do not have to explain yourself to this man. Additionally, you do not do that for someone who isn't even doing that for YOU.

If his calls are troublesome for you, block them, and you won't have to see them. Do not attempt to be really nice and considerate of someone who is NOT being very nice and considerate to YOU. If you do that, this guy could freak out, his ego could end up bruised, and he could turn around and tear you up verbally, saying really mean things to you for rejecting him...and you could end up hurt even worse. And you placed yourself there by walking right into it, trying to be extremely nice and considerate of a man who isn't being extremely nice and considerate of you. So don't give him the opportunity to do that to you dear. If he's got a big ego, he won't take kindly to rejection. Chances are, he'd react to it very immaturely, so don't engage him in a battle like that. And yes, if you reject him, there's a very good chance he would attempt to do battle with you verbally.

You deserve better dear. You've already come 8 months through this, so don't set yourself back...by looking back over your shoulder at the past, and dragging it into your future. Forget about this guy and move on dear. He's nothing special, he's not treating you special, and he's nothing special to desire to have more of. So don't set yourself back, don't look back, block him from calling/texting you either through your phone or through your phone carrier...and keep moving forward dear, so that you find a man that wants what you want, and that treats you well, and attempts fulfill your needs and make you happy and treat you special :-); May 16, 2014 at 8:24 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,
I posted back in January after the guy I was dating off and on for a few years canceled a date on me telling me he was sick, but I found out he went out with his friends that night. I called him out on it. He tried to lie telling me that he was at home watching TV. I told him that was BS and he knows it. He never replied and I had not heard from him until Sunday. I received a How r u? text from him. It has been 4 months! You said back then that he owes me an apology, which I agree with you. I have not replied to his text. I think that is a lame attempt at communication for one, but I think you would say to not reply until he offers an apology or asks to talk? Am I taking the right approach with this situation? I can't believe he comes back now after so much time has happened since what he did :/ What is interesting is that I went out on a lunch date that day and I get a text from him that night! Thanks so much for your blog here. It is so helpful :); May 20, 2014 at 11:39 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 20, 11:39 AM,
Like fish in a barrel dear - they just circle round and round and round, always ending right back where they started, LOL.

They, "Hey" text is a classic, that's for sure. It's like a light tap on the door..."Hey, you there? You mad at me still?" That's basically what that amounts to. And if you respond right away, they go, "Oh cool, she's not made at me anymore. Lemme' talk to her." And if you don't respond right away, they're like, "Oh crap, she's still upset. What do I do now?"

And honestly, you want to leave them with that last thought - the one that makes THEM question THEMSELVES.

They need to think about the part they played, they need to think about your feelings and take them into consideration and they need to think about basic moral issues such as right and wrong - and then proceed accordingly once they ferret all of that out.

If you respond, you may never get an apology. If you don't respond, you may or may not get one. But at least you leave with your dignity and hopefully, everyone involved grew from the experience or learned something in some way.

But either way dear, it's really a personal decision. I wouldn't respond, I'd put him to the test to see if he was genuinely interested in order to protect myself from getting hurt again. You're free to do as you please dear, just give it a bit of thought first...and your gut will guide you on the rest :-); May 20, 2014 at 7:41 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks, Mirror. My gut says to do what you said and not respond. I don't want him to feel like I will always be here when he does that kind of stuff and after so much time has passed. I agree that he needs to go through that thought process and wonder if I am still upset because I am! I may not get the apology I think he should give me, but at least I have dignity and am respecting myself :) I like your analogy about fish in a barrel. That's funny!; May 21, 2014 at 11:38 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror of Aphrodite, hello...

Please excuse this long post. I am very sorry it's so long. It will only be this first post that is super long. And please excuse me if my English isn't perfect (I'm northern European)

So, for 6 years I had a beautiful online "friendship" or "courtship" with an Italian radical. Not the typical Italian, mind you (met him via an online music site) All these years he pursued, but was respectful though sad every time I cancelled my plans to meet him. I have personal reasons why I didn't meet him sooner, which had nothing to do with him or "us". Then, 11 months ago, we started really "working it up" via facebook and email. I know he started falling in love even before we met, he said so. Mind you, we're 38 and 36 years old but very young in our lifestyles. Artistic people. I have two children around 13 years of age. He has none. We live in different countries, but since he moved to England 2 years ago, we're a 90 minute flight away from each other (cheap tickets!) I have had longer relationships in my past, he has few and short relationships behind him, though many "ladystories". He is an extremely handsome, attractive hippie kind of man, like me. We're both relatively poor but educated people. We knew we had all odds against us, in every way. Still, we wanted this so much...

We met in his native country 10 months ago. I met his family. We fell deeply, deeply in love and continued seeing each other every month. I went to his country, but that's because I refused him coming to me due to my present living conditions. It's been wonderful, we felt like soul mates and I saw with my own eyes him being in love. One can see that in a mans face. This "soft" bad boy (he has a history with drugs which he quit about 10 years ago) even cried for me. He told me again and again he hadn't felt like this in ten years. He pursued, but in a very gentle and respectful way. Consistent, daily, for 7-8 months. I was the cool, calm, collected one during all these years and even now. Too much, actually. After a while it became a problem to him that I was too cold. I admit he nearly always initiated contact, even after we agreed on being exclusive early on. Sometimes I let a couple days pass without answering his texts. I have some personal issues. I've been hurt terribly in my two past relationships. Therefore, I held back too much this time. Inside me I was LONGING for him! When we were together in real life, I was warm. It was via internet/phone I acted "too cool for my own good". I was so in love and so afraid, but acted cold - warm - cold. He was afraid as well. Afraid about long distance, afraid about moving to my country later on... but he was willing to try this step out of love for me. He "worked" hard to prove to me he was dead serious about me. I am the first woman ever that he has gone after like this. Opened his heart to like this. He also has problems talking about emotions, going back to his youth. Many times, he was afraid of losing me, and wrote quite long emails about it (The reason we don't talk much in the phone, is because his English isn't that great)

- Continues in the next post...; May 21, 2014 at 10:43 PM
Anonymous said...: After 7-8 months, I felt a slow change in him. He often wanted reassurance from me, that I missed him, thought about him. He said things like "I have the desire to take care of you, to live with you... but it's always me contacting you first... and everything has its breaking point" Stupid me didn't take him seriously. I felt I "had him" and that he was only fishing for attention. But I also felt that after this "warning period" from him... it didn't help much when I actually tried to open up, tried to give him my love. That made me offended, and I held back for 2 months where I said kindly "no" to visit him. When I finally did go visit, I knew something was wrong. He had told me we needed to talk. In my head though, I was convinced it would take a long long time before he would reach this breaking point. But during this last visit I got so many mixed signals. He loved me and hated me. He wanted to continue our relationship, but he couldn't stay in this situation. He wanted to continue, but take a step back. All our plans, all the romance he himself so intensively made me believe in... he now referred to as "teenage talk". I didn't recognize my man! Then, the bubble burst: For the last month he had known about "a secret" that he had dreaded telling me about. A woman he had sex with two times before he met me was due to give birth to HIS child! He had been so full of anger, because this lady didn't tell him until 8-9 months of pregnancy! I took the news quite well. I didn't get crazy, but shed a few tears when we said goodbye. Told him I needed to think. He asked if I was worried about the other woman and that I shouldn't be. He didn't want her in any way. I believe him, I know I'm the one he wanted.

Then; I went home to my country, determined I would change my behavior. I wrote 2 warm emails. Heard back after 4 days! He basically wrote "I don't know, I'm confused". That's when I, for the FIRST TIME ever, became desperate. I wrote him a long email confronting him with all the GOOD things he told me in England... and asked him if those things were a lie. He answered me right away. Said I misunderstood. That it was the baby he was confused about and "needed time to think about" - Not us. About US, he wanted to keep going, fix our relationship... and we would "see how it goes". I wrote him back, again, this time calm. Told him "For now I leave you to think... and me to live my life" Why I did this? Because things didn't add up, and I am very proud.

After this, I at least haven't initiated contact.

Continues in the next post...; May 21, 2014 at 10:43 PM
Anonymous said...: 14 days went by, he sent a text asking how I was doing and such. 4 days later, I answered short, nice but non inviting. 6 days after this, he sent me his latest video (he's a film maker) on facebook. I answered very short the next day. I got a one sentence "nothing" answer the day after that. I let it go. A few days later he and his ex, both put up a picture of them together in England!!! (facebook) I almost fainted. She lives in Italy. They've been friends since their break up 4 years ago, I know, but now she was in England visiting a male friend AND my ex apparently. I don't know. Everything is speculation. I'm now on day 24 of No Contact. Nothing from him. I see him on facebook every day. He's the kind of guy that is over active on facebook.

This has been the most special experience of my life, except having my children. I'm old enough to know I will never experience this again. And I'm embarrassed to say, in my age, that I've never been this heartbroken... I'm losing both a 7 year friendship and the love of my life.

What do you think can happen here, is there a chance he will return for the right reasons? Can such strong feelings just go away in a couple months? Why wont he even try being friends with me, like with his ex? Did I blow it with my ONE "desperate" email, after being too cool/cold for 9 months? And how should I act and answer IF he reappears?

Thank you for listening to my novel ;) I am very serious about this, and need advice.; May 21, 2014 at 10:45 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Ms. Mirror,

I've been doing NC on a guy that took me for granted. He's contacted me many times since he hurt me but with no apology so I've stayed silent. At this point I doubt that I'll ever get an apology from him, but if he does apologize someday, is an apology that's made later worth less than one that's made earlier or right away?

To me it seems like he just checks-in to see if I'm still mad at him and if I respond, great, if not, he'll just wait and try again later with no apology :(

Thanks.; May 23, 2014 at 6:00 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 21, 10:43 PM,
"I know he started falling in love even before we met, he said so."

Yea but those are only words dear, and people do lie in order to get what they want from others. Actions speak louder than words.

"he has few and short relationships behind him, though many "ladystories"."

Hmm, translation - player. Few short relationship but lots of short flings and sex stories. My guess is he's a smooth talker and a charmer who manipulates women emotionally in order to receive sexual fulfillment from them. If a man has a history of flings versus true lasting relationships, it's not a good sign dear. It signals someone who steers away from commitments.

"All our plans, all the romance he himself so intensively made me believe in... he now referred to as "teenage talk"."

See what I mean? Smooth talker, charmer - and now...he's taken to the emotional manipulation portion.

"A woman he had sex with two times before he met me was due to give birth to HIS child! He had been so full of anger, because this lady didn't tell him until 8-9 months of pregnancy!"

I would NOT buy that story. Not from a man who's a smooth talker with the history of being a player. For all you know dear, he was seeing this woman the entire time casually and no one knew. For all you know, he's known the entire time she was pregnant and simply didn't tell anyone.

"is there a chance he will return for the right reasons?"

You know dear, and you're not going to want to hear this so I apologize in advance - but this guy is not worth it. He talks a good talk, but he doesn't walk the walk. Like I said previously, words are simply words. It's ACTIONS that tell the true tale. If this guy truly wanted to be with you, then that's exactly what he'd do. He wouldn't be all wishy-washy about it - he'd actually DO SOMETHING about it, ya' know?

Additionally, now there's a baby mama involved and a child. He'll be spending time with them - a LOT of time with them. Where will you fit in? How much time will he have for you? How do you know they won't decide to be a family eventually? How will you deal with the heightened anxiety and stress from the situation? How will he deal with it?

I mean, there are just so many questions, so many variables involved, that I would seriously consider whether or not I truly wanted to put myself through all of that just for a man. I'm not sure that's worth sacrificing yourself and your happiness for. YOU are important dear. Where do YOU fit in, in all of this and how are YOU going to be happy living in the midst of the "mess" he's now created? I'm not sure I'd make those kind of sacrifices for a man that isn't sacrificing anything for me in return.

Cont...; May 24, 2014 at 11:16 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "Can such strong feelings just go away in a couple months?"

Yes dear, they can, particularly if it was just all a bunch of talk. Passionate talk - "teenage talk" as he referred to it. Romantic talk that's filled with lots of "fantasy" rather than reality :-( When a man is talk, talk, talking all the time...but not do, do, doing anything about it...it's a red flag dear. When a man's actions do not line up with his words, it's a red flag. He talked a lot about wanting to be with you, but what did he actually DO about it? Nothing. He did absolutely nothing to see to it that you two would be together. He participated and went along with it, but he did not sacrifice anything here to actually make that happen.

And now some random woman pops up out of nowhere, pregnant with his child? Lots of red flags here dear :-(

"Why wont he even try being friends with me, like with his ex?"

Only he knows that dear. But things happen for a reason and maybe that's for the best. Maybe that's the universe's way of freeing you from this toxic situation, so that you can find your happiness dear.

"Did I blow it with my ONE "desperate" email, after being too cool/cold for 9 months?"

I doubt it. And I also doubt that you were cold for 9 months. I believe that's a player doing what a player does - emotionally manipulating women. Emotionally manipulating YOU into thinking that YOU'RE the problem here. When in reality, HE was hiding a devastating secret from YOU. That's what players do. They shift the focus off of themselves and their wrongdoings and onto others and those around them...so that they aren't "found out" or exposed for who they are...which is a player who's manipulating others, keeping secrets, lying and running around "playing." A man who's contacting a woman that repeatedly responds to him AND makes sacrifices and trips to SEE him....is NOT a woman that's cold dear. Do NOT believe that from him. If you were cold, you'd ignore him, wouldn't respond to him and you certainly wouldn't travel to see him. So once again, this man's words are simply not lining up. You can't call a woman who responds to you regularly and then travels to see you regularly, a cold woman. That doesn't make a single ounce of sense so don't buy it. It's a bunch of BS from him.

"And how should I act and answer IF he reappears?"

If it were me dear, I would do a damn thing. I'd ignore him and leave him to work out this mess he's created on his own. I'd think of myself first. And I wouldn't put myself through the stress. I know that probably isn't what you want to hear, but I do believe that's what would be best for YOU dear. I think YOU are important here. I wouldn't concern myself one bit with what a man who's behaved like this man thinks of me.; May 24, 2014 at 11:16 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 23, 6:00 PM,
"is an apology that's made later worth less than one that's made earlier or right away?"

No, it still has the same value.

"it seems like he just checks-in to see if I'm still mad at him and if I respond, great, if not, he'll just wait and try again later with no apology"

That's okay dear because you know what? You don't want a man that's incapable of apologizing when he's wronged you in your life anyway, ya' know? If a grown man can't figure out the difference between right and wrong, and actually man up and do something about it or about the part he played in it at least, then you don't want that man in your life.

His actions are telling you something dear. You ceased speaking to him because he took you for granted. Well, it appears that he hasn't changed. He's still taking you for granted. He's taking it for granted that you'll still be there for him, no matter how bad he's treated you, and without him ever issuing an apology to you. He's taking it for granted that no matter how much of a jerk he is, he doesn't have to apologize and you'll still be there. If I were you, I would not reward him for that behavior by responding to him. If you do, you're enabling him to continue to treat you poorly, to continue to take you for granted, without him ever having to man up and do the right thing. And if you respond and see him again, you'll soon realize that nothing's changed with him :-(; May 24, 2014 at 11:23 AM
Anonymous said...: Thank you Ms. Mirror, Just like you say, him not apologizing for his bad behavior should be telling me that he's still taking me for granted while I'm still hurt and trying to heal. An apology would really help me heal, but he hasn't apologized yet in any remorseful or genuine way.

It should be more than just a "sorry!" right? (He hasn't made any effort to "talk" either.)

@Anonymous May 23, 2014, 6:00 PM; May 24, 2014 at 1:17 PM
Anonymous said...: Words from "Boreas":

Hi, this is me with the Libra LD ex boyfriend who's having a baby ;) I'll call myself "Boreas" from now on. I'm a Gemini btw.

You said: See what I mean? Smooth talker, charmer - and now...he's taken to the emotional manipulation portion.

I agree. But why? He's suddenly tired of his love,- the only one "he could not run away from"? (Words, I know, but he did put in effort longer than he usually does) Or is his messy situation too demanding for him? Well, I at least hope I can be proud of the fact that I gave him some resistance during these years. And that I now have managed to cut him off (NC) Most of his women run after him, or stick in his "harem". I hope I at least kept some of my dignity. Because I feel like I've been dumped. By a shocking silent treatment. He never told me it's over! Out of all people, he was the last I expected this from. I know he fell in love this time. I met friends and family. I was the first to meet his family in 5 years. He was consistent and always there for me. So I saw SOME action. It does seem then, that players can also fall in love? Or am I wrong? It's just that, when the first intoxicating phase fades... they're no longer willing to do the sacrifice? Very sad, because I do believe he was closer to commit than in a long, long time. I constantly ask myself if I could've done anything differently. I WAS a sassy, cold little bitch from time to time. But I somehow wanted to be different from the other women.

He is such a humble person. So well liked. I don't know how many times he's talked to me about honesty and sincerity, how important this is to him. That I am sincere. He's made me trust in him by telling me, again and again, how sincere he is when it comes to us. I believe he felt this way about us. But when the honeymoon faded for him (not for me unfortunately, I'm still so much in love!), that sincerity went out the window in a flash! (Continues...); May 24, 2014 at 11:22 PM
Anonymous said...: cont...

Also, doesn't NC work well on guys like him? I thought it would. He contacted me briefly a couple times. That's now 25 days ago. I can't believe he's this strong. If for nothing else, I thought men like him hated being ignored? I listen to everything you say, Aphrodite, and I process it. It all made a lot of sense. It hurt, but it's probably true. And I can only heal the truthful way... I just still can't wrap my head around how he could move on seemingly carefree... after falling so hard. Even if it was only "a player's way of falling" ;)

One last question; Why would a player "run after" a woman far away, one with kids... when he could have any woman right there in his neighborhood? Why use so much energy writing emails, making me videos etc? I know he's been down a lot because our situation is demanding. I know he's been crying. Is this normal with player types? Still, as you say, I think he could've done more! He seems afraid and tells me he's afraid.

He's a VERY attractive man. But also insecure, deep inside. Craves lots of attention, at least online. That's one red flag I saw early on. I do believe (for many reasons) he's been faithful to me. That he tried to make this work in his own, weak way. I don't think he's used to putting in much effort with women. I think that's also why he complained so much about me being cold.

I agree with you there's so many questions that my mind is messed up now. I'm very weak and heartbroken. Afraid. Can't let go the last hope, you know. I always thought we would have a "beautiful, tragic" break up. Our friendship was a long and very special one. How can he treat me like this now? We never had a fight. SOME feelings must still be there?

I'll take my kids and go on a little vacation. I just need to get away. My body is weak, but I must do this. And I will think about all your words, Aphrodite... process it all. You're one of a kind in the internet world of dating advice. Mature, wise... and you take us women seriously. Thank you so much for letting me know my heart is not ONLY cold! ;); May 24, 2014 at 11:30 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Boreas,
"He's suddenly tired of his love,- the only one "he could not run away from"? Or is his messy situation too demanding for him?"

Well, what you need to understand dear is that men like this, macho men, players, manipulators, etc. - they are secretly insecure inside. So what they do is, they put a good "front" on that's meant to deflect from that and hide it from people, they begin to overcompensate in order to get more of what they want. And generally, what they're after is an "ego feed." You see, when the ego lacks and someone doesn't feel good about themselves and they're insecure, they need to "feed" the ego - so that it feels good again. They can't feed it themselves because they already feel bad about themselves. So they look to others to do that for them. They seek validation from others in the form of attention. And all of that attention from others feeds the ego, pumps up their self-esteem and makes them feel good about themselves.

So a lot of the time dear, folks like that are only after attention from others. They like to feel like they're the center of someone's world as this makes them feel better about themselves. And generally, they need more than one person to feed that ego. It can be many women, their mothers (mamas boys), women they're dating, friends around them both male and female, strangers in public - you name it. They keep a wide circle of others to feed off of -- and it's about the attention that garners for them. Because it's the attention from others that actually makes them feel good about themselves. When folks are lacking and feel empty on the inside, they generally seek outside themselves and look to others to "fill" them up.

"Most of his women run after him, or stick in his "harem"."

There you go...some of the "others" he's feeding off of. And I'd bet $1000 bucks that HE is the one giving these women a REASON to stick around. He probably touches base with them regularly, misleading and manipulating them into thinking "more" may come from the relationship, sweet talking them, etc. which keeps them hanging on.

"It does seem then, that players can also fall in love?"

Anyone can dear. But here's the thing - people have different ideas of what "love" is to them. Meaning, when you fall in love, you might tie that in with commitment as most people do. But there are folks out there that love people, but aren't "in love" with them. There are folks out there that love people, but keep open relationships and date others. There are folks out there that love people, but don't ever want a commitment. There are folks out there that love people like they are their own family, but aren't "in love" with that individual. There are different levels of love and when a man says he loves you, unfortunately these days, that does not always mean he's "in love" with you and he's going to settle down and commit :-( He could love you like a sister, he could love being with you, he could love the idea of being in love, he could love you as a dear friend - unfortunately, just tossing the word "love" around these days doesn't always necessarily equate to the "in love" version of it...there are many different variables these days.

Cont...; May 25, 2014 at 11:21 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "He's made me trust in him by telling me, again and again, how sincere he is when it comes to us."

Well, I don't want to burst your bubble here dear, so my apologies in advance. But this guy does an awful lot of talking - and very little follow through, which is always a big red flag. Think about it dear. If he were truly as sincere as he claimed to be about you two...would he have kept this secret from you? When someone is sincere about you, do they hide things from you? Do they lie to you? Do they attempt to make YOU feel YOU'RE the problem, when it's actually THEM who's keeping a gigantic secret from you? He SAID he was sincere. But when it came time to actually DO something to PROVE that, he instead kept a secret. And that's not very sincere :-(

"doesn't NC work well on guys like him? I thought it would."

NC is not a guarantee. It only works if the man is genuinely interested in the first place. Meaning, it's the level of the man's interest that determines whether it works or not. Genuinely interested men will eventually come to their senses about their feelings. Men who are not genuinely interested don't try real hard and eventually just disappear.

"I thought men like him hated being ignored?"

He probably does, I imagine it's affecting his ego - but whether or not he's hating it enough to do something about it - only he knows.

"I just still can't wrap my head around how he could move on seemingly carefree... after falling so hard."

Well, and I hate to keep repeating this because I know it's hurtful. But you're here asking so I'm not going to lie. You're assuming he fell really hard and you're basing that all on his WORDS. But what did his ACTIONS tell you? Because men who fall real hard, their actions will signal that. They will travel to see you, they will go out of their way for you and they will devise ways for you to be together permanently. He did none of that. He did not travel to see you, he did not ask you to marry him, he did not devise a way for you two to be together permanently, by moving to where you are or moving you to where he is, etc. He may have talked a good talk about it, but he did nothing about it. And when a man's words do not align with his actions, it's a red flag. When a guy says one thing and does another, it's a red flag. When a man expects you to do all of the work to keep the relationship going, while he sits back and does nothing except talk, talk, talk, it's a red flag.

"Why would a player "run after" a woman far away, one with kids... when he could have any woman right there in his neighborhood? "Why use so much energy writing emails, making me videos etc?"

He didn't run after you dear - he made YOU come to HIM all the time :-( And writing emails and making videos isn't nearly as time consuming as actually investing time, energy, sacrifice and work into a relationship is. Truthfully, videos and emails are the easy way. They only take a few hours here and there. While truly investing in a relationship, emotionally, physically, spiritually, takes much much more effort and sacrifice.

Cont...; May 25, 2014 at 11:21 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "But also insecure, deep inside. Craves lots of attention, at least online. That's one red flag I saw early on."

Exactly. I addressed that above. And when you see that - that a BIG red flag, not just a little one because as I stated above, generally folks like that need to be "fed" by more than one individual. They've even done studies that have determined that those with lots of Facebook friends that are very active online....they have narcissistic personality disorder:

http://mashable.com/2012/03/19/facebook-narcissism-2/

"I'll take my kids and go on a little vacation."

I think that's what you need to do dear. Focus on YOU, on what's best for YOU. Try not to think about him right now. He's sucking away your energy enough as it is, don't give him anymore of it. He's got his own problems to deal with now, and they don't concern you. Don't let him pull you into his drama. Let him deal with it. Go on that vacation, buy new clothes for it, bring a friend or two along as well if you can - get dressed up, feel great, and have a great time dear.

You're not alone here. As you can see from the comments on this site, many women are experiencing similar dating experiences - so it's not you. It's just that those with pure hearts...sometimes they get sucked in and taken advantage of. Which is why, if you are of pure heart, you need to really have a guard up when dating. Because the users, loser and liars of the world...they seek those of pure heart as they make the perfect victims :-( It's sad, but a modern day reality now. Those of pure heart are like a bright white light shining on a dark night dear - and that bright white light acts like a beacon, drawing others to it from out of the darkness, to bask in that warm light. You're the bright light dear. You're the beacon of light, and you will draw others out from darkness as a result. So be sure to be on guard because not everyone who comes out of the darkness to stand in the light - is of pure heart dear. Many of them will be more like vampires that want to feed off of you :-(; May 25, 2014 at 11:21 AM
Unknown said...: Once he stated he couldn't come because he had to work on Monday, which was Memorial Day. I basically cut our normal hour conversation to about 15 mins. Did he have plans with someone else? How should I proceed? I feel that if you trying to get to know me, this was your prime opportunity.

Help.???..; May 26, 2014 at 10:53 PM
thalia said...: Hi mirror... thanks for yours posts.. I have been in a relationship with a guy for almost 4 months...we are both m2edical doctors are both busy but he is more busy than I am (he works over 100 hours a week).. but it has always been the issue for him to call or text.. he always told me that its temporary and that I needed to be patient but still. Also he has always told me that I just worried too much for nothing... i had always to complain for him to plan something together... 3 weeks ago I let him know that I wanted to talk but he had no time... after a couple of days of waiting I let him know by text that it was better for us to stop and told him how selfish he was. He got mad because I told him he was selfish... sinds then he hasnt call, has text to wish me happy mother day, but nothing else and once complained about how busy he is, he has not talked aboit what I wrote... so now I dont know what to do. Should I ask him whats wrong or just let him go?
Thanks for answering... Thalia; May 27, 2014 at 4:42 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Thalia,
"Should I ask him whats wrong or just let him go?"

Well, if you explore the root issue here, I think you'll be able to answer that question for yourself. Meaning, the root issue here is - can this man make you happy? Is he willing to fulfill your needs and take your feelings into consideration and provide you with the love you need?

He may very well be too busy due to his career. And if that's the case, I would then ask him - why does he date? Why does he think someone should settle for what little he can offer at this time in his life? And why does he think the crumb of time he can spare for another is fair? Because truthfully dear, when someone is that busy with a career, in my opinion, they have no business dating. Because they'll be asking the other individual to settle for what little they can offer, and to me, that's not fair to ask.

So I think what you need to consider here is...can a man that has this little time to offer you, truly make you happy? Will you be happy with this small amount of his attention over an extended period of time? Is it enough to fulfill your needs? And will you be okay with someone dismissing your feelings and not taking them into consideration repeatedly due to lack of time to provide that attention?

If the answer to all of those questions above dear is a resounding NO - then I think the answer to your question would be to let him go, so that you can free yourself to find a man that has time to devote to you and to a relationship. One that cares to fulfill your needs and make you happy and one that will have the time to properly invest in a relationship.; May 28, 2014 at 10:00 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

I was hoping that you could help me with something. I think that it would be good to have a second opinion here.

So, recently I have been getting close to a guy that I go to College with. We ended up working together as part of a team for some of our assignments, and this was what facilitating us getting closer in the first place because before the project we didn't really speak to each other. Anyway, there had been flirting back and forth, you know, little comments and eye contact, etc., within reason obviously, as there were a couple of other people that we were working with as well! Well one day we were walking out together and he actually said that he'd walk with me which I thought was a bit unusual as he normally goes home a different way. I was chatting away to him when he suddenly said, "I hope that you don't get offended by this, but I think that you're a really lovely lady, and a have a bit of a crush on you." Well, I was quite surprised as I hadn't expected him to say that, but I smiled and reassured him that of course he hadn't offended me or been too forward! He then went on to say, however, that because his father is a diplomat that it means he can never get too comfortable or too close to people as a general rule because he never knows how long it'll be before he may have to move away from a particular place to somewhere else. (he's traveled around throughout his life on account of this). The next day we went and sat by the lake and he kind of pushed me for an answer as to what he had said the day before because I suppose I didn't out rightly say that I liked him back at the time. I then said to him that I didn't know what he wanted me to say because I wasn't really sure what he was looking for from me if he had told me only the day before that he would probably only be in this country for another couple of years? I said that I felt the same way about him though, but also brought up the subject of his family and his parents as they are Muslims, and I am not. I asked him was that not another pretty big issue because I am aware that because of their religion they generally don't tend to date non-Muslims. He said that his family probably wouldn't be too happy with him, no, and particularly his mother. When I heard that, I was very upset, but I tried not to let that show. He started to say that just because he could be leaving in a couple of years, doesn't mean that he couldn't travel between countries when the time comes, that when he's no longer reliant on his parents for support financially, etc., perhaps we could do something about it, that he's never met a girl like me before, not even in his own country, that he finds me "irresistible" etc., etc. Basically it ended with him saying that he was happy that I felt the same way about him, but that we should just be friends for now, and that he would never cross this line with me again. I suppose I'm confused because I want to know why he even brought up this whole subject with me if he already knew that he wasn't going to be able to go out with me in the first place? Why even go there if he didn't want me to feel hurt? He should never have even said that he liked me in the first place if this was the case, right? I feel like maybe he just wanted an ego boost or something. I'm really confused. Our end-of-year exams just finished there recently and we talked each day we came in for an exam just about how nervous we were feeling, what questions might come up, wished each other luck, etc. He even waited for me after each exam to walk me to my bus stop, which was actually out of his way as he lived right beside the exam center, so he would walk me back in the opposite direction! Anyway, he asked if we could work together over the Summer now with a couple of other people on some stuff for College; extra-curricular, I mean. I said yeah, that that wasn't a problem.; May 28, 2014 at 10:18 AM
Anonymous said...: (cont.)
The thing is it's been over a week now since he has last texted me, and over two weeks since I've last seen him! I told him to let me know when he wanted to start working on this extra-curricular stuff, but so far, no word. I guess I miss him. I sent him a poem that I had written recently about something that he had said once to me when we had walking together one day. In it, I more or less alluded to the fact that I liked him very much so. I said to myself that I would send him this poem because I hadn't heard from him in over a week so I didn't think that it was a particularly clingy thing to do (I wouldn't regard myself as a clingy, or needy texter or anything like that). I just wanted to see what his response would be, you know, and he had initiated contact the previous two times that we had texted one another, so I thought that it was a reasonable thing to do. Well, he responded in the evening and basically said that I sounded like I was suffering from sunstroke, I mean what he was saying was that the poem sounded like I was going crazy or something, and he went on to say that men don't like poems unless they're about war, etc. and that it was a cool poem though, and a good effort. I thought that his response was actually rather rude to be honest, and quite condescending. I felt hurt and I can appreciate the fact that some men might don't like a woman sending them poetry, but I felt that it was the thought that counted. Obviously not. I just replied about an hour later with, "Got it.", which I thought was a reasonable response. I have heard nothing from him since, and that was yesterday. I guess I'm wondering why he isn't contacting me as much as he used to? Is it literally a case of out of sight, out of mind? It's like ever since the Summer holidays have begun, he isn't contacting me anymore, yet this is the same guy who not so long ago said that he found me "irresistible". Something doesn't add up as far as I'm concerned, but I was hoping that you could shed some light on the situation for me, and let me know if the "No-Contact" rule is the best way to go with this guy please and thank you?! It's like he's giving me mixed signals, if he wants to just be friends then why walk me to my stop bus, continue to flirt with me etc? It's driving me nuts!!!!! Any advice would be greatly appreciated, and thank you. I have read your other advice, and I think that you are very sensible when it comes to this kind of thing.; May 28, 2014 at 10:18 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I have been in an on-and-off relationship for 9 months. I used no contact rule twice and both time worked very well, I got him back. First breakup happened 3 months after we were together, I disappeared for 30 days; we got back very short time and broke up the second time, I cut him out 60 days. So ironically, in this relationship, the time we are together almost equals the time we were separated.

However the second time we got back, we had a really good fresh relationship. We had a trip, he started to introduce me to his friends, he invited me to family events. He called me almost everyday, asked me out at least twice a week, sometimes 3 times a week. Although I could feel he was pulling away, he still tried to see me as much as possible. Sometimes I rejected him because I didn't feel happy going out with him, he did not even hold my hand, we just went to restaurants and conversations were meaningless between us...anyway, lots of drama going on before we broke up. Finally I did and said something really hurt him two weeks ago, he went completely silent. Usually he was the one initiated contacts, after that, I had to initiate contact, he answered all my texts but very distant and cold, sometimes he took 6 hours to respond with one word, I felt very hurt and upset. We talked on the phone the next day after breakup, he said he still loves me but he felt he could not even understand me now.

Last Friday night I sent him texts, he again did not respond in an hour, I decided to detach myself from this situation. I texted him I am going away somewhere for some time for work. He replied immediately saying he just got my texts and became friendly, he even said he would not get a new girlfriend because he doesn't need one. Till now, we haven't been in touch for 6 days.

I have no problem to go 30 or 60 days no contact, but since I was the one at fault, and now I truly realized relationship cannot survive this way, I discovered something beneath myself needs to be changed and I am ready for a change to become an emotionally strong woman. Mirror, in this case, should I still do 30 days no contct? Do I need another 30 days to allow him forget the negativity and hurts? Thank you in advance for reading this long post, Mirror.

Esther; May 28, 2014 at 10:00 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 28, 10:18 AM,
"He started to say that just because he could be leaving in a couple of years, doesn't mean that he couldn't travel between countries when the time comes"

While that may be true, the bigger issue is the religious aspect, which will not be rectified by travel arrangements unfortunately. It will still exist.

"I suppose I'm confused because I want to know why he even brought up this whole subject with me if he already knew that he wasn't going to be able to go out with me in the first place?"

He'd be able to go out with you, date you from time to time casually (probably behind his parents back), but he would not be able to have a relationship with you that leads to marriage...and I imagine he was feeling you out to see how you felt about that.

"Why even go there if he didn't want me to feel hurt?"

Because it's possible that you would've agreed to casually date him without eventually wanting a relationship that possibly led to marriage to come from it. And when he found out that wasn't the case, he agreed to not confront you with that proposal again.

"said that I sounded like I was suffering from sunstroke, I mean what he was saying was that the poem sounded like I was going crazy or something, and he went on to say that men don't like poems unless they're about war, etc."

Well he fumbled that a bit. What he was really trying to say is, "Men do not like heavy emotions. They remove the fun and make things very serious and more like work." Meaning, one minute things are carefree and the next, they're pretty deep. Men do prefer carefree, at least until they're in a committed relationship. At that point, they begin to accept a bit more of the emotional aspect.

"I felt that it was the thought that counted."

I understand that dear. Any woman would understand that. But here's the thing - he's a man. Men are very different from women so you can't take something that you would appreciate and automatically assume a man appreciates the same thing. Men and women have very different wants, needs, desires, etc. and what women appreciate, men generally don't and vice versa. For instance, women tend to enjoy receiving flowers. Men however, would not appreciate that and might even think it's a bit corny. Women appreciate romance but most men generally could live without it LOL. And things like flowers, poems, etc. kinda fall into the romance category.

"I guess I'm wondering why he isn't contacting me as much as he used to?"

He may just realize that it isn't going to work dear. You signaled you'd prefer a relationship with someone that may actually lead somewhere and he's not in a position to provide that to you, not to mention the religious aspect. So it's most likely that he's just reached the realization that it wouldn't work and he may have pulled back after the poem because poems have a romantic connotation to them and he may have figured you might be getting emotionally attached and he pulled back because he doesn't want to hurt you :-(

"It's like he's giving me mixed signals"

I think he may have just been feeling his way around, trying to see if you would expect a relationship that led somewhere or if you'd be willing to simply casually date him without any guarantees. And when he realized that wasn't the case, he may have decided it's for the best dear to just not start something he can't finish, ya' know?; May 29, 2014 at 5:45 PM
hopelessly infatuated said...: Hi, I'm in a bit of a dilemna and I don't know what to do. You probably have had a similar conversation on here already and if so, I apologise but I would really appreciate some help.
I have been with this guy for a very short time. We met online at the beginning of April. One thing led to another and we ended up meeting up and we clicked surprisingly well. I ended up going over to his the next day and we discovered that we have an amazing number of things in common. Two days later I stayed over at his, though we didnt have sex, we weren't exactly non physical. After another two days, I went over again and again stayed the night. That evening however, I said something which really offended him and he began to ignore me. I wasn't aware of having done so and eventually phoned him saying we needed to talk because we had gotten on so well and I wanted to know what I had done.
Eventually we talked it out and he told me how I had offended him and said it just wasn't gping to work between us.

I was upset but understood. Then a month later he sent a text checking up on me and I replied back pretty soon, still pretty hooked on this guy. We then began hatting again for a couple of days and he invited me over again, yet I couldnt go.
Now, I am abroad and we have been messaging bavk and forth. However apart from his first message to mw I have always initiated the contact. I asked him once if my messaging him annoywd him, and he said no, he liked the way I acted towards him as he felt the same. I began to wonder however if this is true.. His messages to me are always shorter than mine and he generally takes ages to respond( he does have a 6a.m -3 p.m. job though) I made the mistake I think of always reaponding immediately and a few days ago I told him that I was very attached to him. Later the next day, I told him that my friends here were saying I needed to sleep more and get off my phone. He replied, saying he thought I shouldn't spend all my time messaging him, but then I replied saying I loved being im contact with him.
He then said he was going to ration his messages to me in order that I can concentrate on speaking spanish and being with my friends here. Since then, it has been me that has initiated the contact. He does respond even if tmtakes a while but I think I'm annoying him. So after he didnt respond to my last three texts on the evening of the 27th I decided not to text him back till he texts first.

Is this a good idea? And if/when he does text, should I respond? If so, how long should I wait before responding and what should I say..

Thanks if you pay attention and reply to this!!!!; May 30, 2014 at 8:27 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Esther,
That's a personal choice dear. But here's some food for thought. Do you think that when the man you're truly supposed to be with enters your life...it should be this hard? Or involve this much turmoil? Or this much heartache?

When things are a natural fit - they fit naturally, and remain tightly in place. When they are not - they struggle to remain attached, and can get jarred loose at anytime because they don't quite fit right and never will.

I realize that you're emotionally attached to this man, but that does not mean he's necessarily your match. Maybe the universe is trying to tell you something, and because you're not accepting the message, it's forcing you to repeat the experience, again and again and again, until you accept the message?

Think about it. While you're wrapped up in this relationship and repeatedly strategizing for ways to keep it together...other opportunities that might be a better fit could be passing you by, ya' know? At the very least, during your periods of NC, you should be dating other men, so that you give yourself the opportunity to have different experiences to compare this one to - to make sure whether this man is truly your match or not.

And if you truly believe you've made a mistake here and are at fault, then it might be a good idea to take some time apart so you can gain a better perspective and focus on YOURSELF instead of him.

"Do I need another 30 days to allow him forget the negativity and hurts?"

The better question might be, "Do I need another 30 days to truly define whether or not this man is capable of making me happy and fulfilling my needs or not?"

Just some things to think on dear. Take the time to reflect on those things and listen to your gut - it'll never steer you wrong, as long as you're honest with yourself about what it's telling you :-); May 30, 2014 at 3:24 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, I agree with you. I do realize we both fall into co-dependant situation.

I did try to date other men during NC but eventually I would just get back with him. Deep down, I am a woman wants to win, I would not allow anything lost from my hand, and that is just wasting of my time.

Thank you for helping me tp see things more clear, yes, I need to focus on myself, he isn't worth so much attention from me.

Esther; May 30, 2014 at 11:01 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @hopelessly infatuated,
This may sting a bit dear, but I mean no ill will, I'm trying to help you so please bear with me here. I'm going to use logic here and remove "emotion" from the situation.

"he...said it just wasn't going to work between us"

That's the reality dear. The reality is that he's not interested in a romantic relationship with you :-(

"he invited me over again"

Keeping the reality above in mind, you cannot take that as a signal that he was romantically interested again. He probably wanted to keep this sexual, but not romantic. Meaning, he'll sleep with you, but that doesn't mean he wants a relationship with you :-( So don't read anything into that invite other than, he may have wanted a friends w/benefits situation to develop.

"I have always initiated the contact...His messages to me are always shorter than mine and he generally takes ages to respond...he thought I shouldn't spend all my time messaging him...He then said he was going to ration his messages to me...he didnt respond to my last three texts"

Again dear, that's the reality of the situation. And if you continue to "do, do, do" to try to make this work, it'll be like trying to pound a square peg into a round hole..it won't fit, no matter what you do or say and you'll exhaust yourself in the process and it will be emotionally draining.

"he told me how I had offended him"

I'm not even buying that one. Particularly if he said it after his first sexual experience with you. If that's the case, that reads like an easy "out" for him after he got what he wanted, which was sex. Think about it. If you've offended him so greatly, then why did he do this - "he invited me over again." You offended him so greatly, yet he's inviting you over again...for possibly another romp in the hay, or to hang out with you again? That doesn't make an ounce of sense. I don't hang out with folks who are offensive towards me. And I certainly don't have sex with them. I think this guy ran a bit of game to get his way, then bolted like a true player afterwards, coming up with that excuse to remove the "relationship" aspect from the equation...leaving the sexual relationship in tact. He's willing to have sex or hang out with someone that offended him so very greatly? Yea, I ain't buying that one dear. I think it's a load of crap.

"And if/when he does text, should I respond?"

I wouldn't. I imagine this guy is already thinking you're desperate. I'm not saying you are, I'm simply saying that that's how men interpret that texting behavior from women. And if you respond, he's going to take that as validation that you are desperate. You're not. You have a full life, you have friends, you're in another country right now....you're busy (even if you're not) and you don't have time for this man who claims he is so easily offended, yet still invites you over to spend time with him anyway. That's the attitude you need to have towards him dear. One of....I'm too busy for you, I'm in demand. Other people want my time and attention and I have a full life. I don't sit around thinking about texting or calling you, and I'm not desperate to do so. I'll get back to when and IF I ever feel like it.

Cont...; May 31, 2014 at 10:04 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Develop that mindset concerning him dear. If he calls/texts...do NOT respond to that. Let it go. This man has already told you he doesn't want a relationship with you, so let him see the consequences of that - he gets no access to you because you don't waste your time on men who don't want what you want, you're too busy for that and you have a lot of other options that deserve more of your focus. And even if he contacts you and offers friendship, it won't be worth it for you dear because you're emotionally invested and you want more...and that would only be painful to you...and he would probably attempt to use you for sex if you did maintain a friendship.

I don't think this man is worth investing another ounce of your time into dear because if you do, you may be willingly walking into a situation where he uses you for sex as a friend w/benefits and if he does that and you permit him to do that....you're going to get hurt dear :-(; May 31, 2014 at 10:04 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi there, I wish I read this site and knew all this before hand. I need your advice as to what my next step should be. I am not sure if the no contact rule will work for me now that I already opened my mouth and inserted my foot so to speak. I met a man recently in May, he iniated contact with me and pursed me. We texted daily continuously, he seemed into me as I was him. He would text me every morning and evening and we hung out a few times before his texts and calls decreased. I felt him pulling back and asked if via text if everything was OK with his. His response was( his life is too crazy busy right now to worry about a relationship. ...however if things changed he'd let me know ) we continued to still text back and forth a few days. I ended up staying over and we were intimate. I left at 6 am and he did text me later telling me to have a good day ;). Two days went by not a call or text. I knew he'd be leaving Friday for Miami for the weekend as it was Memorial weekend. I didn't hear back from him all week even when he returned. I waited a few days and just sent him a happy Friday face. He then replied hi ,back at you love the face. He was rather short and brief and I wasn't sure if he was only being polite.Again, he said things were so busy at work all week and he had his oldest son that week. He said he'd text me later a pic of him(as he usually did) but no text ever. Ame through.Two days later I drunk texted him a photo of me. He read it but never replied. It made me angry. Later that night I was pissed about it .I so acted like I shouldn't have and said via text ( Okay then, glad to see you got my text but can't respond. Take care then). The next day I kicked myself in the behind and knew I acted needy, clingy.psyvho. and texted him back saying I apologized for the mean text and that he hurt my feelings. Advised him that I knew life can be busy and timing is everything but no one is quote unquote that busy.I told him if he wasnt into me that's all he had to say that he didn't have to ignore me.Asked ifhhe'd accept my apology that I didn't want to be mean to him because I knew he was a good man. Asked if we could still be friends like a idiot.I even went so far as apologizing for missing him the last week and wanting to be with him. clearly he knows I like him, want him and are into him. He never did respond to that text but he did read it. My question is....is there anyway to come back from that . I know I made myself look like a idiot and he's definitely going to withdrawal now.I haven't made any more contact...deleted his number, texts and photos because they only upset me.I thought we were on the same page and this was going somewhere. Do you think he'll miss me or realize he did hurt my feelings, will no contact work or should I just let it go and move on. Did I over react and ruin all my chances before we even started. help me, what can I do to turn the table and change this???; June 3, 2014 at 6:58 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jun 3, 6:58 PM,
"I thought we were on the same page and this was going somewhere"

When a man tells you this dear, it's not going to go anywhere: "his life is too crazy busy right now to worry about a relationship. ...however if things changed he'd let me know."

"what can I do to turn the table and change this?"

Nothing dear :-( You can't control other people, you can only control your reaction to them. You can't make them love you, have feelings for you or want to be in a relationship with you. Don't beat yourself up for this, you're not the first woman in the world to have ever encountered this. Just chalk it up to a lesson learned and try to see the positive in it - it was a valuable lesson.

In the meantime, this piece may bring you some peace and empower you:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html; June 4, 2014 at 5:52 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you so much for your response, I will definitely take your advice as well as read that site. This is honestly the best site for women. You have so much helpful insight. thanks again.; June 5, 2014 at 9:58 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

I'm "Anonymous from May the 28th"! I really appreciate you taking the time to give me your thoughts - thank you so much! I've had a while to think about it now as well (and he has not contacted me in this time once) and I have to say that I'm feeling better about things! How could you possibly be happy with someone who doesn't want the same kind of thing from life as you do? Anyways, thanks again! I think that your advice is the best, and don't stop what you're doing anytime soon!! :-); June 5, 2014 at 5:06 PM
sadlonelygirl said...: Dear mirror,

I met this guy online, after chatting for a week he got my number and asked me for a date a week later on a sat night.

during the week he would msg me everyday and be very sweet. he repeatedly told me that he was nervous about meeting me and hoped that we hit it off once we meet. he also expressed to me that he was looking for a friendship first and maybe a relationship.

i was never too much of a texter but we'd have these text marathons from 6pm - 12pm, basically from the time we got off work to bed time. it was so out of the ordinary for me and i felt myself getting invested in him already before i even met him. he seemed very consistent and keen on me.

We met for our first date as planned and it was wonderful. i felt he was scrambling to please me all night like a puppy dog, but i thought it was so cute. during the date he also suggested all these places he'd take me " if i like him".

After that date, he again explained he was so nervous and apologised for being "boring" on the date. i reassured him he wasnt boring at all and I had a really lovely time. so he set up another date for the following sat, but then told me that he realised it was his cousins 21 birthday on that day. so he told me he would leave his cousin's bday early to see me on sat and take me fishing on monday instead(since it was a long wknd) and i agreed.
the following week we kept texting day and night even more than before. both looking forward to our date again. and the convo got more flirty than before, nothing too sexual but he expressed often how much he wished he was holding me, wanted to go to sleep with me in his arms.

Sat arvo he sent me a pretty strange text out of the blue, saying how he wanted to get to know me more, was not trying to use me for sex as much as he'd like to sleep with me, he is not into one night stands. I thought it was so random. So i drive over to his house Sat night, since it was late and cold, i just wanted to stay in with him and watch a movie. i was so attracted to him we started kissing immediately and ended up fooling around for a few hrs, but no intercourse. he was very considerate and just wanted to please me in bed and didnt really care about himself at all. then i had to leave around 12am as i had a wedding the next day.

He texted me to ask if i got home alright, and good morning the next day and asked how i slept. we talked and flirted as usual that day and it seemed like nothing has changed.

then I asked him if we were still going fishing the next day. and that's when he gave me the " ill let you know" reply and i knew instantly something was wrong. i waited for him to let me know and he never did.

i didnt hear from him for 2 days then i msged him asking what happened and told him that he'd hurt my feelings. he replied and apologised profusely saying he didnt mean to hurt me but he had some things on his mind and that he wasnt feeling well and just slept all day. he said he is sorry about not taking me fishing. he replies to my msgs but doesnt initiate or ask questions anymore.

i really like this guy and dont think he is a bad guy. i feel that i may have pushed him away by pushing intimacy on him when he just wanted to be friends first. can i use no contact to salvage this situation? will he come around after a while? i just want things to be the way it was and i miss his daily texts so much.; June 10, 2014 at 11:44 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @sadlonelygirl,
"he sent me a pretty strange text out of the blue, saying how he wanted to get to know me more, was not trying to use me for sex as much as he'd like to sleep with me, he is not into one night stands."

That was the first red flag right there. That text was actually meant to put you into a "sex kinda' mind" by associating the topic of sex with himself. He planted the seed, then waited for your reaction, hoping that seed would grow by the next time he saw you.

And guess what?

It did, it worked. Because next, you did this, "So i drive over to his house Sat night...i was so attracted to him we started kissing immediately and ended up fooling around for a few hrs." He emotionally manipulated you into the "idea" of sexing around with him, hoping to it'd work to his advantage, and it did :-(

When someone states the obvious, meaning things you shouldn't have to say out loud, it's a giant red flag. For instance, when a stranger says to you, "You can trust me." Don't trust them, because they just gave you a warning that they're about to screw you. You shouldn't have to tell people they can trust you, so when people feel the need to state the obvious, it's a warning.

Similarly, when a strange man says, "not trying to use me for sex as much as he'd like to sleep with me, he is not into one night stands." That generally means he's warning you, but he's trying to throw your guard off to make you believe he's got good intentions. It means he's thinking bout using you for sex because he'd like to sleep with you and he's into one night stands."

And what happened after you gave in and went over and sexed around with him?

"he gave me the "ill let you know" reply...i waited for him to let me know and he never did...he replies to my msgs but doesn't initiate or ask questions anymore." See what I mean? When someone states the obvious and attempts to throw you off, recognize it for exactly what it is - an attempt to throw you off. You shouldn't have to tell people they can trust you. You shouldn't have to tell people you're not going to use them, ya' know? So when someone, particularly a complete and total stranger, begins saying things like that - understand that the message they're truly sending there is a "warning" of sorts...that they're about to do the very thing they're claiming they'll never do.

And if you ever feel compelled to go to a man, or a man's house, for a sofa date instead of a respectable one where you're treated special, read this first:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/04/new-dating-trend-sofa-date-hookup.html

"i really like this guy and dont think he is a bad guy"

I disagree that he's not a bad guy. He might not be heinous in nature, but he's definitely been deceptive and deception is not a positive trait in someone. And when you find yourself longing for more of his disrespectful treatment, ask yourself why. Ask yourself, "Why do I long for a man that uses me and treats me like crap? Why do I even want to be around a man that is ignoring me? Why do I want to go through the rejection all over again?" Focusing on the reality of "what is" and ignoring the idealistic fantasy of "what could be" will help you get past that hurdle. See him for who he truly is, and not what you think he "could" be someday.

Cont...; June 12, 2014 at 1:10 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "can i use no contact to salvage this situation? will he come around after a while?"

There are no guarantees in life dear. Those questions aren't really answerable as it all depends on the level of interest the man has in the first place. And in this man's case, please take notice of the fact that when he didn't receive sex...he disappeared. He wasn't going to work for anything here, he wanted it handed to him for free and when that didn't happen, he disappeared. And don't go thinking that if you slept with him that might have turned out different, because it wouldn't have. He would've disappeared after sex, too. Because he's already slipped up and let you know, by stating that he isn't into using women and one night stands, that the reality is that he probably IS indeed into using women and one night stands...and then disappearing, taking off after the next "conquer." For many men dear, online dating is a game. How many "wins" can they score? And they treat it like such, never settling down and just gaming one after another after another after another - and then bragging to friends about how easy it is to do and get away with. Your guard has to be way, way, way up when dating online and dealing with complete and total strangers that you know nothing about - so keep that guard high there dear. And use no contact to get OVER him, and not to win him back. It'll serve you much better that way :-); June 12, 2014 at 1:10 PM
Anonymous said...: Thks so much mirror of aphrodite, well my case is this guy is just a boyfriend I love him, he feels for me too buh I dnt know if he loves me d way I do, because we quarell a lot. So we had an arguement. Afta he took him 3days to say he's sorry and apologize which I accepted. So d next day I felt I needed to disappear from him so I blocked all our communications and today is d 3rd day he hasn't called no text, tho I blocked him off buh am meant to get a notification If he tried callin me @ all. So does it mean he doesn't care? Or he neva loved me? Or he's too Egocentric or jx taking time off as well? Pls get bk asap thks; June 13, 2014 at 3:33 AM
sadlonelygirl said...: thank you mirror, your reply was truly enlightening. from the bottom of my heart i didnt want to believe he was just using me, i wanted to believe we had something special coz i really felt for him.
but everything you said makes perfect sense, why in the world he out of no where tell me his not trying to use me? when i didnt even suspect that at all. =( he also said to me in bed when i kept playfully resisting " i wont stop talking to you, you know?" i was so confident that he was into me =(
i definitely dont want him back. no way. i will use no contact as he deserves none of my time and i'm more over him every time i think abut what he did to me. thank you again
p,s. its quite scary what you mentioned about guys gaming with online dating. its sad what dating has become these days, ppl just dont have much integrity and respect for other people anymore.; June 13, 2014 at 8:03 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jun 13, 3:33 AM,
"So does it mean he doesn't care? Or he neva loved me? Or he's too Egocentric or jx taking time off as well?"

There's no way to answer those questions. It all depends on the man's level of interest. But I will say that 3 days is nothing. In a man's world, that's a drop in the bucket. It's not worth getting worked up over because it's been 3 days. When it gets up to 3-4 weeks, consider yourself no longer seeing him and move on and begin dating other men. Keep moving forward with your life. If he wants you, he knows where to find you and he can always catch up with you. Don't sit around waiting for him, keep moving forward.; June 14, 2014 at 11:12 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear, lovely MOA,

so here I am again, Boreas - the lady with the now long gone (45 days) LD ex who never said it was over (but needed time AND wanted to fix our relationship in the same e-mail - go figure!? I then, due to my pride, told him I'd leave him to think and me to live my life!) The lady with that ex who pursued for 9 months... then slowly pulled back due to my "coldness",- Now papa to another woman's baby (who he slept with right before he met me) We were in a committed relationship, one that HE asked for.

Don't know if you remember me, but anyway... I went on that vacation a couple weeks ago... it helped a tiny little bit just while I was gone. I hate to say it, but now I'm back to where I've been the last two months; Shock, anger, grief... all in a mix. I'm 38 and have never been this much in love, EVER! The only "progress" might be my thinking. Plus, I proved to myself I could get my a__ out of the sofa and at least pretend to smile and look good! I hope I can ask some questions in the time to come. I will not pretend my hope is totally gone... but I ask also (and maybe mostly) to LEARN.
Continues...; June 14, 2014 at 8:18 PM
Anonymous said...: Continued...

Question about NC:
I don't expect to hear anything. He's either indifferent or offended. I do think, even if he wanted to get rid of me for unknown reasons... that he hoped I would run after him. According to him, me never initiating contact and his confusion reg. the news of the newborn baby... were reasons we "needed time". The distance was also very hard on him. All of a sudden we needed time/take a step back, after him pushing (respectfully) the 9 months before!

So, he texted and I answered at the 2 and 3 week mark. My answers were short, polite, not very inviting. Then I started NC all over again. It's now been 45 days. My question: If and when I ever hear from him again... Do I wait 30 NEW days until I respond? Or is it ok to respond after a week or so, now that it's been 45 days already. Has "the end" kicked in for him by now, or won't it until he sends something and meet my silence? Meaning I DO NOT answer.

I am not in denial, I know he's gone. I also know they can pop back up at any given time. You know what happened right before I went on vacation? An ex who broke my heart in much the same manner, contacted me after 8 YEARS! That's a new record! He's also the player type, but getting "old". 16 years older than me, in his 50's now. Maybe nostalgia kicked in ;)

Best wishes to you MOA,
Boreas; June 14, 2014 at 8:21 PM
sadlonelygirl said...: hi mirror, i wrote to you a few days ago about a guy i met online that went quiet on me after sex.
to recap we had sex on the second date and before that he was msging me every single day for 2 weeks. but after sex i did not hear from him for 2 days. when i confronted him he apologised a lot but did not seem keen to talk to me.
you told me that he was using me and i agreed and decided to put him behind me.
but the next day he actually sort of came back and started talking to me normally and started texting me heaps again. saying if im not still mad at him he wants to see me again and will take me fishing as he promised before. he did not apologise again however he did apologise 3 times before.
i have been friendly but not too friendly so he is flirting with me again.
why do you think this is? do you think theres a chance he was just confused and pulled away after sex but decided to come back after some time away? or just after a booty call? thanks; June 15, 2014 at 9:19 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,

First of all let me say I love this website! I discovered the site because of a man I was in a relationship with for over 7 years, who I was considering starting no contact with. I can’t say enough how much reading through the articles here has helped me to gain perspective and clarity about what truly is, instead of what could be. It hurt me to realize that I wasted so many years of my life with a man, who (for a very long time I didn’t want to come to terms with) will never be able (or truly willing) to fulfill my needs. I was quite young when I met him and he is 10 years older than me. He was my first love and it was really hard for me to let go of the relationship, even when red flags were there in plain view. I was more focused on “fixing the relationship” and “fixing our problems”, rather than to just accept that he was not equally willing to try. I deserve so much more than the crumbs he was giving me, and it's easier for me to see that now.

When I discovered your site in January and started reading, it seemed like a switch went off in my head. Your way with words and your incredible sense of expressions and stories to bring your point across really made me realize that he was only half interested. Taking a step back and looking at things more clearly, I realize how emotionally attached I was to him and how much I would do, do, do and put on emotional displays with him and let him know how I felt when I wasn’t happy or I felt he wasn’t putting much effort into communicating – things I truly should not have done. I should have just gracefully took the steps necessary to let go.

I will admit, I am not fully over him. To be quite honest, there was never a definitive end to our relationship (meaning…I never told him I am breaking up with him)…I just let my actions speak for themselves. I kind of just stopped letting things bother me, I slowly stopped talking to him as much, I stopped telling him I miss him or I love him and I stopped getting emotional with him. I suppose it has made somewhat of an impact as out of the clear blue back in March he text me and said to me that I seem busy these days and it seems like someone is occupying my time. At the time, no one was occupying my time but myself and reading these lovely articles and trying to get back to “me”. I suppose he started to wonder where I was and why I wasn’t talking to him and giving him all the attention that I usually do.

My response to him was I was catching up with friends and job hunting and sorting things out in that respect (which was also true). His response? “Oh ok” and a few short texts thereafter not really indicating much of an interest. My response? I did not chase him to talk to him. If he did not want to respond to me, that was fine. I did not get emotional or upset over it or ask him “why”. Since then we have exchanged a few texts here and there but what really surprised me recently last month was when he text me at 3:00 in the morning asking me if I’m dating someone and “he can’t sleep” and how he had a dream that we got into a fight and it didn’t turn out well and he needed me to answer the question because he’s so upset he can’t sleep. As much as I wanted to ignore the question I responded and told him no I’m not dating anyone (I should have lied and said yes or just ignore him to make him think). His response? He said that he had been having weird dreams about seeing himself waiting for me at the front gate of my house and I came home with another guy and he started to fight the guy - an altercation so serious that the police had to get involved. The tone of his text was really emotional and it was such a shock to me that he shared that with me, even though it was just a dream.; June 16, 2014 at 6:03 PM
Anonymous said...: Anonymous contd.....

I suppose he got the validation he was seeking after hearing I wasn’t dating anyone and he “got in my head” so to speak because thereafter, I made some mistakes. I started missing him a couple weeks after and actually went as far to tell him I missed him. He reciprocated about 20 minutes later and said “he missed me more”. The conversation ended there and I let it die. A week or so after, I sent him a whatsapp message of Coldplay’s song “Always in my Head” and he responded within 5 minutes and said “That’s sweet// Very intense //I forever love u too”. The song did not say anything about love, but rather the overall message it gives is “I’m thinking about you”. Since responding he didn’t send me any more messages for about 2 weeks…then I text him again on 9/6/2014 asking him if he is ok. He responded saying yes and shared with me that he got a tattoo the day prior (his mom’s name) and attached a picture. I told him it was nice and ended the convo there and neither of us has said anything since.

So now I’m keeping myself quiet. I’m not going to make any more mistakes of initiating anything. Even though we don’t talk half as much as we used to, I am ok with that. Months ago I would be chasing him down, asking him why he’s not texting me as much, ask him what he’s doing etc, but now I am accepting that even though I still love him to an extent and he told me he will always love me, I know that it will never work out between us. I mean, Mirror, if he is willing to let a 7+ year relationship die so easily, if he can go so long without talking to me, why should I be concerned or be bothered by it? He can carry on with his life, and I will gladly carry on with mine. If he sees that he is losing me and not doing a damn thing about it through ACTIONS then he is doing me a great service by showing his true colours.

I would love if you commented the above and maybe one day I will share with you and the ladies on here some details of the ins and outs of the emotional rollercoaster of our relationship so something can be learned, but I also came on here to seek help from you regarding a guy I am currently talking to.

I graduated University last year November and I started an internship at an organization at the beginning of May, for 5 weeks. Throughout that time, I met some guys, but one guy has stuck out in my mind.

He worked on the same floor as me. We did not work in that close of a proximity, but every time I went for lunch or to go to the restroom I had to pass by his office. I noticed him and every so often would smile at him and pass by. So one day as was walking past, he called to me. He asked me if I was now working there permanently. I explained to him that it was only for a temporary time and explained what I was doing in helping to organize an event that was to take place some weeks down the line. He seemed really nice and introduced himself. We continued to sporadically smile at each other and one day while I was at lunch at a food court in the building next to the main building I was working in, I saw him some distance away, and he saw me too. It seemed like he appeared out of nowhere beside me and asked me if I’m eating lunch in the food court. I told him no (I really had not planned on it because I was buying lunch for a colleague and had to go back over to the office to bring it to her. Also, I usually ate lunch at my desk anyways) He responded to me saying something to the effect of, that’s too bad because he was hoping he would have someone to eat lunch with.; June 16, 2014 at 6:04 PM
Anonymous said...: Anonymous contd (pt. 3).....

Fast –forward to my last day of work (which was on 6/6/2014). I had planned to say goodbye to all the persons I became friendly with/met at the organization (including him), but then when I was passing by his office, I didn’t see him that evening. I saw him earlier in the day so to be honest I was a bit disappointed. I was secretly hoping he would have asked for my number or said something to the effect of keeping in touch. I will say though, that he did not know the day I was leaving. I was just going to tell him on the day, not announce it before hand.

So I was browsing through facebook some days after I left and was going to ‘like’ the page and browse through some of the albums on the page of the organization I worked at. To my surprise I found him on there, as he had liked a few of the pictures there. I decided to add him as a friend and whatever happened happened, but I decided that even though I initiated first so to speak (due to the circumstances), everything thereafter would be up to him. He answered to my request and inbox messaged me within 5 minutes. He sounded really happy. He actually said “Wow! (smiley face) and that when he realised I was no longer working there he deep sighed. He then added that I seem like someone that he could reason with at times. I responded some minutes later and said “Hey *insert name here*. Yep, my last day was on Friday. Was going to tell you when I was leaving that evening, but u weren't in your office” he replied by saying that he left early but he remembered what I was wearing that day, remembered “my little smile” and that was the last image of me in his memory. He then gave his number (red flag?) and suggested that we whatsapp, but I responded by giving him my number. I decided he will have to show me if he is interested if he so chooses. There was no way I was going to message him first.

He ended up messaging me soon after asking me how my day was and we talked for a while. I made sure not to ‘jump” at his texts. He asked me fairly quickly what month I’m born and it turns out I share the same birthday as his mother, and that I am a Librian just like her and his daughter….yes he has a daughter....Anyway, just to summarize the rest because it’s getting a little long:

1. He is an Aquarius

2. Every day for the past few days, he has initiated communication, asked me questions about myself, showed interest.

3. Told me that from what he could tell at work I have a seemingly calm personality and something made him look everyday to watch me pass his office even though it was just to watch me pass. He said that my ‘energy’ suggested that and he has the feeling i feel the same, hence us communicating now.

4. I have kind of hinted liking him somewhat as I have sent him smiley faces/blushing icon

5. He is REALLY easy to talk to and has the kind of easygoing and engaging personality where u can just talk. His texts are not short. They are quite long and he actually shared things with me about his life.

6.He asked me if i speak another language and I told him I learned Spanish in high school, but i’m rusty. After that he typed a sentence in Spanish and asked a question in Spanish lol. Turns out he studied Electrical Engineering in Cuba . He even kind of flirted with me and told me “I like your eyes” in spanish, which I was actually able to translate on my own. Was it wrong to somewhat flirt back and say thank you in spanish?; June 16, 2014 at 6:05 PM
Anonymous said...: Anonymous contd. (pt. 4)......

7. He asked me a somewhat deep question: where do I see myself in the next 5-6 years (accomplishments and hopes). Why would he ask that Mirror? One thing that stood out to me also is: somewhere within my answer I said “I hope to be in a serious relationship and just happy overall”. He answered me in a very detailed manner and said he hopes i will find happiness but always remember that happiness come from within, and that many feel they need a partner to be happy, but a partner just compliments what is already inside the other. Is it that I suggested that I need to be in a relationship to be happy? Because that is far from the truth in my case. Anyways I agreed with him and put my 2 cents in.
8. I told him he is easy to talk to.
9. He said he smiled widely when he saw my friend request and asked me what persuaded me to send it to let him know that the Friday was my last day. I told him I didn’t necessarily send it just to let him know that and that i thought that since we became somewhat of acquaintances at work, sending him a request would not be a bad idea. His response? “excellent decision :)”

Two things have given me pause though:

1. He is 40 years old. I had NO idea he was that age. In fact when he told me he asked me what are 2 things that crossed my mind when he told me. He certainly does nt look that age (to me). I am 25 (and he said I don’t look my age either).

2. On his facebook he has a few pictures (about 3) with a woman (I am guessing the mother of his child) and under one of them a comment was made under it in April saying they are a perfect couple and when is the marriage. He also posted a picture of her yesterday, to my surprise.

*sigh* Anyways, I’m ending it here but I will admit that I like this man, but idk what to think right now. I’m wondering if he is just talking to me for an ego boost or if he may potentially be interested in some way? Why would he ask me questions and respond with a paragraph of information (to me indicating he is engaged and interested) + ask an additional question in most cases? I would love to hear your input on my situation Mirror.

Thank you so much for listening.; June 16, 2014 at 6:08 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Boreas,
"I'm 38 and have never been this much in love, EVER!"

Are you sure it's love dear? Because many, many women develop emotional attachment disorder, which is similar to drug addiction in that, it's an emotional addiction, not love.

"Do I wait 30 NEW days until I respond? Or is it ok to respond after a week or so, now that it's been 45 days already."

Well dear, here's what you really need to think about - how many times are you going to attempt NC to draw this man in? Don't exhaust yourself attempting to pound a square peg into a round hole. What should've really taken place is, when you originally did this...you should've probably stuck to it and not answered him after 2 weeks. Because when you do that, he's not challenged to step up or to fear you're gone for good. Instead, he circled around after two weeks, you responded, he was reassured you were still there...so he took off again.

"Has "the end" kicked in for him by now"

There's no way to tell dear. Additionally, he's preoccupied with the new baby thing as well. What I would suggest is that you move on, consider him gone, and begin dating other men. Keep moving forward with your own life, and let him catch up if he chooses. Because you have to realize a new baby will completely change the dynamics of this relationship anyway. So even if he does return, it'll never be the same unfortunately. There's now a baby mama in the picture and a new baby that will take priority. And do you really wanna be settling for 3rd place? Something to think about is all.

"An ex who broke my heart in much the same manner, contacted me after 8 YEARS!"

I'm telling ya...eventually, just about all of them circle back at some point - like fish in a barrel with no where to go but round and round and round LOL ;-); June 17, 2014 at 5:04 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @sadlonelygirl,
"why do you think this is? do you think theres a chance he was just confused and pulled away after sex but decided to come back after some time away? or just after a booty call? "

You're not going to get that answer right up front dear. You're going to have to invest some time here observing him and his behavior to truly receive those insights. If his words to NOT align with his actions, then you can't take him seriously and he's probably just wasting your time. But if you see him start to follow through with what he says, then you can feel free to relax a bit more and slowly easy into this. But if he balks, lies, doesn't follow through on promises etc....right after he does something like that, you become unavailable. You don't talk it over with him - you disappear. Men understand that language and they know when they screw up. So when you're actions immediately after they disappoint you signal that to them as well, they get the message and you don't have to have those exhaustive talks that go nowhere - because your actions are already speaking for you.

And that's how you signal that there will be consequences for taking you for granted like that. He disappoints you, he gets no access to you - case closed. No talking, no texting - no nothing, but silence. And he'll get the message real quick that if he wants to see you, he has to treat you right. Otherwise, the consequence for him is - no access to you.; June 17, 2014 at 5:09 PM
Anonymous said...: From Boreas:
Thank you SO much, MOA, for your wise and genuine answers! Proved to me that at least my THINKING is starting to fall in place with yours. Though my FEELINGS are still stuck, I have no other choice than keep going. By myself. Leave it to him or fate or whatnot. It's very sad this happened though, with the baby thing.

I've been reading a lot. My guy is not the typical, immature player described in your article. He would be more of the REAL player I saw you describe in an old comment somewhere (James Dean type). The type that don't need to brag or any of that. He's quiet, humble, but drop dead gorgeous! He leaves his computer open for me to see everything, and most I see there is about me ;) I think it's difficult for very attractive men to end up like anything BUT players, really. Just my experience. And you may be right; Maybe I don't really LOVE. But I'm deeply infatuated and attracted!

Thought for the ladies:
You have all no idea, how hard it's been for me to play the "Cool girl", "The sassy girl" with these men. Some I have in my personality naturally, but I also have to hold back and control myself constantly. Deep down I have a very fragile heart. I am unusually good at "catching" the "Lady's men"... having THEM ask for serious commitment... But somewhere down the line they pull away from me. Maybe because I'm using so much energy playing cool... being beautiful... that they sense my love is not "free", natural or flowing? You know what I mean? It's so important to BECOME that "bitch", not overplay it and not force it. I think something goes wrong there for me. After a while I kind of get "busted". Something to think about for the other women here as well. You must find it deep in you, through self care and awareness, to BECOME that little loving bitch. Not just ACT like her!

And your thoughts on this MOA; A man like "mine"... insecure deep down. He's open about that. He's been opening up a lot to me about wounds, shyness, earlier drug addiction, earlier lady stories... but he is at the age (37) where he wants to settle down and feels he's changed. That's also why I gave him my trust. But I am not sure he's there yet. I think he WANTS to be, and I think he tried.
In addition - A man like this, how does he handle stress and challenges like becoming a father with a random woman he just had sex with? He seems more confused than what is necessary. Or maybe he's just using that as an excuse to get rid of me, I don't know. He just changed COMPLETELY when these news struck him. Understandable, but not to this extent. I had my kids during a violent relationship with a man who was also an alcoholic, left him with two babies and managed tolerably fine. Almost completely on my own. I'm just wondering if insecure men can "fall off balance" so completely that they fall out of love... He had enough problems from before, also financial. And can this "love" come back, you think, or is all this stress "the nail in the coffin" (as we say where I come from)?

Maybe I should've posted this in another thread, sorry about that. I'm sticking to NC though, as you said MOA. Cuz NC it is, whatever we choose to call it. Might be neverending NC, or he might be a new fish in my playbowl ;) I must try to see it like that. My little bowl of play fish where they can play with each other instead of me... trapped and forever going in circles. That's their reality, after all, right? ;)

- Boreas; June 17, 2014 at 9:07 PM
Anonymous said...: From Boreas:
And btw, MOA... If I understand you correctly, I should NOT answer him for a longer period of time IF he reappears? Or is our situation more "delicate"? I know I did that mistake last time, and he ran off again (I will never completely understand why they do this. A short answer does in no way mean they still have us. Not always!) I will consider him gone, as you say, but want to be prepared IF he contacts me.

And I will think long and hard about the baby situation. It just got paused, because both him and I disappeared from one another... and I don't have enough info to base any decision upon at this point.

- Boreas; June 17, 2014 at 9:16 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jun 16, 6:03 PM,
"I’m wondering if he is just talking to me for an ego boost or if he may potentially be interested in some way?"

Only time will tell dear. If he is, eventually he'll ask you out :-)

"Why would he ask me questions and respond with a paragraph of information (to me indicating he is engaged and interested) + ask an additional question in most cases?"

There's no way to tell dear. He could be being conversational, he could be bored, he could be interested, he could be considering cheating on his girlfriend...there's really no way to tell, it's simply too early.

You'll have to sit back and observe his actions and see if they line up with his words - and if he even takes action on any of those words - and whether or not he's willing to cheat. These things need time to grow and it's simply to early to tell at this point.; June 18, 2014 at 5:48 PM
Anonymous said...: From: Anonymous June 16, 6:03PM

Thank you very much Mirror for responding to my situation. Regarding my ex, I suppose it isn't really worth talking about. I know what I need to do. If I continue to communicate with him and he gets in my head again, I will only be giving him further validation that I'm still around. Since I contacted him on June 9th, I have not heard a word from him. I asked him if he is ok, to which he responded but no reciprocation was made asking if I am ok even how I am doing up to this point - more than a week later. All he did was answer my question and then - poof. He will never stop being selfish and he will always be a disappearing/reappearing man. He can stay gone.

It's time for him to feel a definitive end. I really want him to feel that and when (or if) he circles back around, fully expecting me to respond to him, I won't be there no matter what he says or how many times he tries. A part of me still misses and loves him, but I know that full no contact and focusing on MYSELF is the best thing I can ever do - to fully heal and move on for good.

I have learned a lot from you though Mirror. My mindset has changed a lot since reading this blog, but as you may be able to tell, I still have a lot more work to do. About the guy I met at the internship - he appears to be a nice guy but as you said only time will tell. I have not spoken to him since writing to you and as of right now, I do not know what his intentions are...but whatever they are, I do not condone cheating. If he will cheat with me he will cheat on me and I really don't desire that in my life.

Overall, I'm not going to worry about anything or anyone but myself right now.

Thanks again Mirror and ladies for listening,; June 19, 2014 at 12:37 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA

I sent you a PM but then I read you want people to share their stories in the comments, so I've decided to be brave and do it :)

So here's my predicament; this Taurus guy and me are both in the military and we met during initial training around five months ago. He was injured and so was being held off from training, so I passed out (basically graduated) before him. All the time we've been texting each other both playful things and more serious things like our individual future in the navy and such. He used to help me do my duties during training and was just generally helpful and supportive. He mentioned going on holiday with me in the summer and having it be nice and romantic. He was really interested in the beginning and usually always initiated the contact.

When I graduated and left he text me being really supportive, saying that my new life was starting and that he'd miss me and that I'd really lifted his spirits while he was being held over because of his injury (it's quite mentally challenging and depressing because when you're there you just want to get on with training and graduate).

So while he was still being held off from training, I made a five hour journey to see him for a day and it went really well, afterwards he texted me that he had a great time and was really happy he got to see me. Then during the Easter break he came all the way to my house (a four hour journey from where he lives) just to spend a night with me.

He made me dinner and met my parents. He gave me this cute toy that he spent £15 to win at a fair too. That night we cuddled and he'd occasionally hug me tightly an kiss me on the forehead and temple while we watched movies. He also kissed me for the first time on the lips before he retired to the spare room. He then kissed me when he left on the train the next evening.

Since then he continued to text regularly, that is, until I stupidly let slip that I was a virgin over text (not for religious reasons, but because I hadn't found the right guy yet). He said he understood my reasons for this but the texts became infrequent for a couple of days, then they started up again, becoming more frequent and back to normal.

CONT...; June 25, 2014 at 7:25 AM
Anonymous said...: CONT...

Then just before he was going to be put back into training because his injury had healed, I made the same five hour journey to see him and he was really distant, nothing like what he was at my house. I asked him if he thought we were in a relationship and he said he didn't know, to which I agreed, because even though I wanted to be, it didn't feel like we were. He also brought up my virginity and said he'd want us to get to know each other more and he'd want to have gotten through his training (possibly excuses? I don't know).

He asked me about my past relationships and I said I'd had none because every guy who has ever liked me or who I've liked it's never been mutual. I then asked him about his and he's had three serious relationships, the first being where both he and his girlfriend lost their virginity to each other (apparently it wasn't a good experience for either of them), one ended up being a bit of an a**hole and the last one cheated on him. So I can understand he may be cautious of getting into another relationship.

After I left the texts stopped for about a day, but this was the day he was being put back into training, so it was an emotional and difficult time for him, then he got back in touch again.

After that the texts got more frequent and it was him initiating them about 80-90% of the time. But I understood he couldn't text me like he used to because he was busy and tired all the time, I knew exactly what he was going through because I'd already done it.

He texted me about how he felt and kinda opened up over a few texts because he was finding it difficult adjusting to training again. He's also mentioned that he'd like kids three times since I've been seeing him (he didn't specify having them with me, just that he'd want them), and has said he misses me three times (but I know it's just words, and I'm now wondering if he ever meant them).

Anyway, after not seeing him for six weeks (cause you aren't allowed to see anyone during your training) his graduating parade was almost two weeks ago and I thought he knew I was coming. So when I got there only to have him give me a one armed hug and say that he honestly didn't know I was coming I knew something was wrong.

I know now I should've asked him if he even wanted me there because it's more of a family event, but I think I was scared the answer would be 'no'. It's obvious he didn't want me meeting his family, and I think this may be because he's had bad relationships in the past, plus we aren't actually in a relationship.

I also think he may've been scared to tell me he didn't want me there in case I had a hissy fit or something.

CONT...; June 25, 2014 at 7:27 AM
Anonymous said...: CONT...

He said he was free that weekend and the next week to see me and I said I was busy and that I was on duty the next weekend, which is true. I said we'd sort it out later and he said he'd call, then I left feeling stupid and angry that I'd put in all that effort only for that to happen. But he hasn't called me and I haven't gotten in contact with him either at all.

I know about the no contact rule and am employing it now (almost two weeks!), I just want to know what my chances are of him getting in contact again. I've been in tears over this guy but my friends and family have helped me a lot.

Right now I'm going to the gym and arranging to meet friends when I go home for the weekend. I've started sailing and am trying to get back into some old hobbies I had before I started training, but he's still on my mind a lot.

Looking back I think I came on too strong because I was almost always available to text him back right away. Now I'm doing NC I'm feeling better and I think I'm slowly getting better each day, I just hope he gets in contact with me again.

Also, I'm a 20 year old Leo and he's a 19 year old Taurus, I don't know if that helps.

I'm sorry this is a lot of information, but I'd really like some input on this.
Thank you for reading!
- Leoness; June 25, 2014 at 7:27 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Leoness,
"I just want to know what my chances are of him getting in contact again."

Regretfully, I can't answer that dear. It all depends on the man's level of interest. Interested men circle back. Half interested men may or may not circle back. And non-interested men don't circle back, they move on. So it really all depends on his level of interest.

Either way, don't do NC to get him back - do it for yourself, to get over him emotionally and to unattach yourself from him. As time goes on, you'll see you'll start to feel much better about things :-); June 25, 2014 at 8:20 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

I broke up with my ex (4 year relationship) two weeks ago and immediately established NO CONTACT. It was a bad breakup. I found out he was cheating through my inner voice and his behaviours, and it took me 6 months of denial to come to the reality of who he really was and I walked away. I couldn't bear the mental anguish of wondering where he was at night and who he was with and if he would cheat again on me. It was mentally and emotionally EXHAUSTING! It was so heartbreaking for me to end it but it was the only way for me to find peace of mind. I would be humiliated if I found out in 20+ years he really was screwing around, and there was even a point where I went from WANTING to know for sure that he was philandering.....to not even wanting to know the extent of anything or find out something I didn't even want to know.

I disappeared and no one has heard from me. Problem is all his friends and family think I'm the b*tch that broke his heart, that he is SUCH a nice guy who would NEVER cheat. His friends and family love him. They told him to go on dating sites, meet hot women, etc. And he moved on it seems quite quickly. I wish everyone could hear my side of the story and how he treated me and why I left.

He texted yesterday asking how I was and said he was sorry for everything. I didn't answer and won't. Wasn't sure how to interpret but my only reaction was to BACK OFF.

I was surprised that he texted.; June 25, 2014 at 9:50 AM
Mpaa98 said...: Mirror:

I will try to make this as short as possible but here is my story....My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months. We were originally just friends and he was the guy I always went to for advice on other guys including my separation from my ex husband. After about 8 months our friendship started to turn into more. He also has two little girls 50% of the time. He was in a LDR at the time with another one of his best friends. After two months of us wanting more, he finally broke it off with her. Shortly after I made the mistake of moving him and his two girls in with me. He told me he saw a future and marriage with me. I became close to his family quick and we spent thanksgiving and Christmas together. We both know we got way serious to fast. He was badly burned by his ex who left him and is still with a co-worker. They all three still work together. During the time he moved in I was probably at my lowest point in my life emotionally and very codependent. We fought a lot and I just kept having one thing after another happen to me personally so my emotional state was on a roller coaster. He lived with me for about 7 months and then we decided it was best for him to get his own place. I only had a one bedroom and it was him and his girls 50% of the time, so we were about to kill each other. I am starting to come out of the fog some from my awful year and have many more moments of stable happy emotions. I moved in with my best friend. The last couple of weeks have been completely awesome with my boyfriend and he would tell me he was starting to become much more relaxed in the relationship and was happy. He told me this on a Thursday and then that weekend was in a terrible mood and caused a few small arguments, but nothing to major. We spent fathers day together but he left upset..; June 25, 2014 at 10:09 AM
Mpaa98 said...: cont -

Next thing I know we are texting as usual and saying goodnight and I had this very strange feeling in my gut that he wasn't home. And I was right. He plays roller derby and had gone to watch a game two hours away and never told me. Instead just texted me as normal. This caused a fight because I was upset because he would always tell me what was going on or what he was doing. Especially when we lived together. So next day I get a super long email that he is confused about us and himself, that he needs to find himself and all that kind of stuff. The texting started to get more limited but still the I Love You, good mornings and goodnights. He kept telling me he needs time to process and figure things out. I saw him for a family function that Wednesday and then he decided to go out of town for the weekend. Mind you prior to this we would spend almost every night together because that's what we were used to from living together and we always have lunch and talk though out the day through text initiated by both. So I told him I was confused and upset so I needed space as well and lets not talk for awhile. He asked for a time frame and I didn't give him one. So we didn't text from Friday to Sunday and he initiated it by saying I hope you are having a great weekend. I asked if I could see him and he said yes, and we spent hours talking. One minute he would say he lost feelings for me and was numb to the relationship and then the next was because he wasn't happy with himself and needed to figure him out. This is what he would text me "Not running cause I don't want to have you out of my life. I just need time to figure out me I agree. I can't say exactly what I want. I don't really know myself. Mainly need time to figure it out. Thank you for being understanding to the circles I talk. I have a lot on my mind but not always sure how to put into words. Not breaking up just time figure me out. In the end we might find we don't want to be without eachother. Or we might find we are better as good friends. It's not that your not doing good. It's just a wide range of emotion. Like waiting for the other side to fall again." He told me before I left that he wanted to have some space and that we could still text and maybe he would try seeing me once or twice a week for lunch or something because of course I tried to convince him of all the reasons I have changed and things will be different which is mostly true because I am not in such a vulnerable needy place like when he first met me. So this Monday We talked some but it was mostly random meaningless things and I asked if he would want to see a couples counselor and he said it could be a possibility. Then Tuesday I responded to his text from the night before because I was trying to give it time and I have plans with his mom on Saturday and she forgot she will be watching his girls so I asked him if he minded if I was around them and he said "Yes ofcourse. My girls are unaware of anything and I know you love them so never want to keep you away from them.No don't need to apologize. I understand it all. I am not ever going to be a guy that turns and walks out of your life forever. Regardless of this out come." So at this point we start talking again about the situation and I told him I am not sure how to go from spending every night together to I haven't spent a night with him now in almost 10 days and asked him several times if he is breaking up with me because to say no we are still together but we are not going to see eachother or talk for awhile is not a relationship and I told him I know how long it took him to break up with his ex and to please not try and let me down easy.He said "I don't contact you out of guilt. You have been my best friend for a while now so I am comfortable talking to you. I wish I knew how to change these feelings of loss but I am trying to figure it out on my own head. I am not trying to drag you along. I promise.; June 25, 2014 at 10:11 AM
Mpaa98 said...: cont 3 -
So I told him I don't know how long I can wait on him to "figure it out" especially if it weeks just to end in a breakup and I said I would bring him his house key and things this week and he told me not to because it wasn't to that point yet. Well what the heck point is it then! I asked him if we were still a couple and not to the point of dating other people and he never responded clearly but just said we need space to see if we miss each other. He also said "I figure that might be the right thing to do. Time is needed. I am happy for all you have found and I have to figure out if I can find it I myself as well. I handle finding me different then most do. I am just having internal struggles that I am trying to face. I am trying to find trust and happiness in myself and to do that I have to pull away from anything that has been apart of my struggles. Consume myself with stuff that makes me happy. I have lost the realization of what love is. I don't know that I can love the way it's needed right now. It all scares me cause anytime I think about love toward anyone I go blank or emotionless. Not just you but even my family I have been snippy with more then ever and I don't know what to relate it too. None of this is the real me and I don't like my current feeling if life. Trying to make me happy and learn what makes me happy. It's why derby is so important it makes me happy". So I said for him to do his thing, have a nice week and I will talk to him sometime because I have no clue what to do and I am scared to call it off myself. He said "I am not calling it broken up. Taking a break to regroup. I think we both still have sole searching todo. If something major happens during this break I want you to still feel comfortable coming to me to discuss or ask for guidance and I will do the same. Still my best friend. I can't make you happy if I can't find my happiness. I hope you understand that. I do love and care for you. None of this is easy in me and I hope you know this. I'm glad you will get to see fireworks. Tony and Dave have bought a bunch so I will going down there. Have a good rest of your week. Keep up the good work on yourself. I do love you!!!" 4th of July is next Friday and he already has made those future plans without me. By then it will be 3 weeks since he hasn't seen me. So I have a few questions:
1. Which is it for the space, He needs to work on him or he doesn't have feelings for me cause he keeps using both. I am the only thing he is cutting out of his life for "finding" himself.
2. Should I go no contact on him. Since he is initiating the "space" what do I do if he texts me because I am supposed to be giving him the "break" so how do I respond?
3. How do I get through this time in limbo, should I consider it a break up even though he won't admit it.
4. What is he holding onto and does it seem like it could turn around and he comes back?
5. How much space should I give him before I make the move to end it. And should I just end it in my mind or actually contact him.
This has been driving me nuts and I am trying to shift the focus on me but its so hard and I don't want to lose him and his girls. Please help me to know what my best option is if I want him back. Obviously I have to give him his space but if he contacts me here and there how do I process it. At this stage could his feelings of loss be turned around to missing me again? I am afraid someone else will spark his interests during this break. Thank you!!!; June 25, 2014 at 10:12 AM
Mpaa98 said...: Mirror:

I forgot to mention one last thing....He stays friends with all his exes, but I don't think I could be his friend because I don't want to break up to begin with.; June 25, 2014 at 10:40 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jun 25, 9:50 AM,
"all his friends and family think I'm the b*tch that broke his heart, that he is SUCH a nice guy who would NEVER cheat. His friends and family love him...I wish everyone could hear my side of the story and how he treated me and why I left."

Why? Will it make or break your life if you don't receive understanding and/or approval from those folks? Doubtful - so why require it? It doesn't matter what those people think about you. They didn't have to date him or experience what being in a relationship with him was like - they only get to see the good bits about him. You, on the other hand, got to see the full picture, something they're not privy too...so who cares what they think, their opinions are all based solely on what they see, which right now, is only one small portion of this man's life.

And I'll tell you something...I went through something similar and similar feelings. The stories and rumors and out-right lies my ex spoon fed his family and friends to cover his ass...it was laughable it was so ridiculous. And he felt the need to cover his ass because...he was insecure and needed everyone's approval and reassurance.

But here's the funny thing. Nefarious folks dear...they're not too bright. Eventually, they trip up. They spin so many lies, they forget them all. People begin to notice that they're words do not remain consistent with their actions. People begin to notice how they're choosing to live their life. Cracks in their shiny surface start to appear and people begin to get a peek inside, at the dark bits, as they're now slowly being brought out into the light...by the offenders own stupidity and the extremely complicated web of deceit they've spun for themselves.

Until eventually, it all unravels right in front of everyone's eyes - and there's no more denying it.

For instance, if you have a drug problem and only your ex knows about it and you have the rest of the world believing you're Ward Clever, number one husband - and then you get arrested and are charged with drug possession...do you honestly believe you can continue to fool the world? Umm - no.

If you sell yourself as a clean, contributing, upstanding member of society, and then go out and get tattoos all over your neck, chest, face and arms and then quit your job and live at home doing nothing except acting like a teenager again...do you really believe folks will still look at you the same way? Umm, no.

If you cry "boo-who, she left me and I don't know why" and then people begin to see you man-whoring all over town with a multitude of different women, out drinking 6 nights a week and boozing it up...do you honestly think your original story of "I don't know why she left me" will really stick with people? Umm, no.

Bottom line dear - people ultimately give themselves away.

And most times, YOU don't have to lift a finger to see it happen. Folks like this are their own worst enemies. They do themselves in and shoot themselves in the foot regularly. They don't need to be brought down in a dramatic scene by an ex...they'll bring themselves down and reveal their true selves to the world eventually through their own stupidity and arrogance that fools them into believing they're smarter than everyone else.

It's called KARMA dear....and it comes back 3-fold.

You don't have to do a thing...except sit back and watch the show LOL ;-); June 25, 2014 at 11:51 AM
Tiff720 said...: Hi M.O.A.
I met this guy online a couple of months ago. We first correspondent through emails, then eventually exchanged numbers. After our first meet, we instantly connected and have been inseparable since. He has given me keys to his place, he told me he has fallen in love with me and he loves me. All of his actions are for me. It feels good to be with a guy that loves me and enjoys doing the things that I like. Our communication is great! We have had our share of a few disagreements. However, during those disagreements, they were settled without all of the yelling, fussing, cussing and crying. We were able to have a dialouge of our feelings and how frustrated we were to get the communication missed. I know it there will be other times that our disagreements would be more intense, but I feel that by me using my feeling messages and letting him know how frustrated, hurt and sad I felt during the miscommunication. He immediately apologized with some roses. Now lately, for almost a month I have been staying at his house. Though we have agreed to no "shacking" but it seems like it. Even though I do not do the "wifey duties". He washes my clothes, he has bought me feminie and toiletress things to keep around his place. So I'm definitely in his place. So needless to say, we're in a committed relationship with and I have learned to step back and let him take the lead....

Though things are going really great in this commitment, my question to you is I feel that since things have been going so well I haven't gave him the opportunity to CHASE me. Now that we're in a committed relationship, How can I get him to CHASE me? I have told him that I will be going home, but how do I stay there and have him COME TO ME? My father told me that I have spoiled him by staying over his house. Now that I've know what I know, I think it's time for me as a woman to throw a "monkey wrench" in the mix. What are your thoughts about that? I'm a career woman, my job is very demanding so we rarely talk, text while I'm at work. Though my work schedule is suppose to be 8-5. Sometimes I go in at 7 and don't leave until 6pm and by that time he's already at work. He works afternoons. So our weekends is the only time we get to really see each other and be immersed in each other. Again, what are some things I can do for him to CHASE me and while continuing to be receptive to him to fuel his passion for me?; June 27, 2014 at 6:45 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello again Moa,
please help me understand. There's a, to me, big contradiction when it comes to NC. You say, in your article:

To lure someone back:
"And all that thinking, negative or not, is actually going to create an intense attraction for you. The point is to stay away so long that the man actually begins to “long” for you."

To detach:
"Yep, the no contact rule is truly a handy dandy little rule with lots of uses. And the last use is to help you get over a bad breakup with a man – to help you emotionally detach from him."

So, what I don't get is, if we stay away we detach. But the guys don't? They start longing for us, if interested? Why won't they start detaching as well?

Another thing I've been wondering: If a man is interested, he'll probably circle back. Half interested or not interested may not. But what if the man was very interested for a long period of time, and is now maybe half interested? I mean, is it the interest level of the man at the split or during the months before that "counts"?

Thank you so much!; June 27, 2014 at 9:38 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Mpaa98,
"Well what the heck point is it then! I asked him if we were still a couple and not to the point of dating other people and he never responded clearly but just said we need space to see if we miss each other."

One thing that jumps out at me in your comment, and more or less comes to a head with the above is...why are you waiting for HIM to decide the future of this relationship? It's like your entire future is hinged on this mans decision about you, instead of YOU deciding your own future for yourself. If this isn't working for you dear, the way it is now, the answer isn't to wait or to beat your head against the wall trying to convince him how great things could be. The answer is to take control of the situation, end it, cut him off and let HIM get his crap together without YOU:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html

He wants reassurance here that you're still going to be there. And what you don't realize is that when you give him that type of reassurance, he then relaxes back into, "Okay, I've got plenty of time here to decide." If you continue to do that, you could be waiting a long time. Instead, when he needs space - you give it to him...in the form of no access to you and complete and total freedom from him and him from you. He does not get the convenience of having you sitting around waiting on his decision. Instead, he gets the space he asked for, and you take the space as well, and you both free yourselves from each other for a real break. Because all this reassurance he's getting is actually keeping him from feeling a true "end" here and experiencing feelings for you.

Because men feel during times of absence, not togetherness. They feel their feelings better when they're alone with them. And when I say alone, I mean - alone - as in "she's gone." If a man is ever going to realize the true depths of what he feels for you....it's going to be when you're GONE - when he thinks he's lost you for good (as explained in this article). If he knows you're sitting there waiting, he's not able to go through that process because there's no "end" to jump start the "loss" phase that psychologically makes folks explore their feelings for the individual they've lost.

"just said we need space to see if we miss each other"

See what I mean? That's exactly what he's attempting to do with that comment he made above. He's trying to take space to see if he feels anything for you when you're gone. But the thing is, he's not fully and completely letting you go, and you're not ending it with him, so instead of feeling anything....he's stuck in limbo.

"I have no clue what to do and I am scared to call it off myself"

When you let fear steer the wheel in your life - it only brings you unhappiness. If you let fear make your decisions for you, you'll never feel happy. "If you love something, set it free. If it flies back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, then it never was."

"Which is it for the space, He needs to work on him or he doesn't have feelings for me cause he keeps using both."

Neither. He's taking space to see if he experiences feelings for you during the absence. He's attempting to see if those feelings strongly compel him. Meaning, does he miss you terribly? Or is he okay without you? That's what he's attempting to find out through the space. And whichever direction strongly compels him, that's the direction he'll move in.

Cont...; June 28, 2014 at 10:17 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "Since he is initiating the "space" what do I do if he texts me because I am supposed to be giving him the "break" so how do I respond?"

You don't. You don't reward him with more of your attention and affection. Instead, you give him exactly what he's asked for - space - and lots of it. You show him consequences for his decision. And those consequences are no access to you:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

"How do I get through this time in limbo, should I consider it a break up even though he won't admit it."

Yep.

"What is he holding onto and does it seem like it could turn around and he comes back?"

That depends on what he feels during the absence. If he ends up missing you terribly and realizing he still has strong feelings for you, he'll be back. If that doesn't happen, he'll make it an official break up.

"How much space should I give him before I make the move to end it."

It's already over as of now. This IS a breakup, whether he admits it or not. He's seeking to reassure himself that you're still waiting for him, but he shouldn't be getting that luxury. If he needs to work stuff out for himself, it is not fair to ask or expect someone to sit around waiting for you to get your shit together. Instead, you give him the space and you make the decision for him that it is a breakup. He now has his space and his freedom, and you do as well. And during that space and freedom, he can work on himself and you can continue moving forward with your life....instead of sitting around waiting for some guy to get his crap together.

"should I just end it in my mind or actually contact him."

I'd end it in my mind, and not contact him to tell him. What's the point? He'll just string you along with words even longer if you continue to give him the opportunity to do so, because he wants the safety of the reassurance that you're sitting there waiting for him. Nope - no go. He needs to man up, put his big boy pants on, take the space he wants and not expect you to sit around waiting on him, and work on himself - by himself. That way, you're not stuck in limbo either, waiting and waiting for some guy to make a decision about you. YOU WAIT ON NO ONE to make a decision about you. You keep moving forward and if he wants you, he knows where to find you and he can always catch up once he's worked himself out.

"I don't want to lose him and his girls"

But you already don't have them. You've already lost them dear :-( You two are not together and this is a breakup. He's already gone. And what you don't want to lose is the way it used to be - but again - that's already gone, things have changed drastically. And you clinging to the situation or to him isn't going to change that - it's not changing things currently. So clinging emotionally to what used to be instead of accepting what already is...isn't changing anything, nor will it :-(

Cont...; June 28, 2014 at 10:18 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "if he contacts me here and there how do I process it."

You don't give him the luxury of having access to you "here and there." He doesn't get the luxury of traipsing off and doing what he wants, with the reassurance that you're sitting around waiting for him. If you continue to extend that luxury to him, this will slowly continue to deteriorate and he will begin to take you for granted even worse. YOU need to take a stand for YOURSELF dear. Do not permit someone to string you along and keep you on hold like this.

"At this stage could his feelings of loss be turned around to missing me again?"

It all depends on his level of interest. But I will tell you, if you continue to make yourself available to him throughout this, he will continue to take you for granted. He will not experience any true strong feelings he has for you - until he experiences a true END (loss). If he continues to receive access to you, he'll never get to that point.

"I am afraid someone else will spark his interests during this break"

HE should be afraid that YOU will have someone else sparking an interest in YOU. Because you're not going to sit around and wait on a man like this or let him string you along like this. You're going to give him the space he's asked for, but you're also going to take your own space then and continue moving forward with your life - and he's free to catch up when/if he gets his crap together and decides that he feels strongly about doing so.

That's the attitude and mindset you need to develop here dear. Do not willingly become a man's doormat. Do not willingly permit him to take it (you) for granted that no matter what he does, you'll be sitting there waiting on him. That's not how life works. There are consequences for each and every decision we make in life. And when you take space, the consequence for that is...you set free whatever it is your taking that space from. You don't get the luxury of acting like a spoiled brat and expecting the person to just sit and wait for you to get it together - when space is taken, both parties are then free. That's how it works in the real world dear, that's life. And we cannot expect people to sit around waiting for us to get it together. When we do that, we have to be mature and realize that asking that of another is completely SELFISH in nature, and entirely not FAIR. When space is taken - both are free - period.; June 28, 2014 at 10:18 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Tiff720,
"How can I get him to CHASE me? I have told him that I will be going home, but how do I stay there and have him COME TO ME?"

You refuse to go to his place. Instead, you invite him to yours. If he doesn't agree to come over, then he doesn't see you - period, case closed. If he wants to see you, he can get up off his arse and come do it LOL ;-)

"What are your thoughts about that?"

Keep him on his toes dear - even your own father, a grown man, is signaling a need to do this to you. He may act frustrated by your refusal to continue going along with his way, but if he truly cares for you, he'll realize that compromise is key to a happy, healthy relationship.

"what are some things I can do for him to CHASE me and while continuing to be receptive to him to fuel his passion for me?"

Just start to set healthy boundaries dear, and signal that give and take is required. You don't TELL him this, instead, you SHOW him this...by refusing to go along with his way. Don't be mean about it, but don't continue to put yourself out over it either. Meaning, if you don't want to go to him, invite him to come to you. If he refuses, fine. It's not YOU refusing, it's HIM. You're still willing to see him, it's just not always going to be his way that's all. You're still willing to see him, he just needs to come to you. And if he refuses to do so, that's HIS problem dear, not YOURS. So don't let him manipulate you into thinking you're doing something wrong there. In that case, HE'LL be the one deciding to not see each other, not YOU.

And then just stick to your guns dear. He may balk, he may try to manipulate, he may try to guilt you...he may try all the things that children attempt to do to manipulate their own parents LOL...again, much like a spoiled brat that your father referenced...but you just stick to your guns, set your boundaries and then let him get comfortable with the fact that healthy relationships involve give and take and compromise.

And if he's not able to compromise and show give and take....then he may not truly be relationship material dear. Because even your own father will tell you that compromise and give and take are KEY to a happy, healthy, long lasting relationship :-); June 28, 2014 at 10:51 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jun 27, 9:38 PM,
"So, what I don't get is, if we stay away we detach. But the guys don't? They start longing for us, if interested? Why won't they start detaching as well?"

A half interested man, a man that really wasn't all that interested to begin with...yea, he will detach. But a genuinely interested man...he will begin to long for you, realize how much he misses you, and he'll be able to "feel" any feelings he has for you - during that absence. And that will bring him back.

It all depends on the level of interest the man has in the first place. NC is not a guarantee. But it will give you the answer as to whether or not the man genuinely has feelings for you or not.

"But what if the man was very interested for a long period of time, and is now maybe half interested?"

Then during the space, he'll see what, if anything, he "feels" for you. Sometimes half interested men, when they have no access to a woman, suddenly realize, "Wow, I really miss her. I didn't realize how strongly I felt for her." Or the opposite may happen and the man ends up thinking, "Gee, I thought I really liked her a lot. But now that I'm no longer seeing her, I realize I didn't have the strong feelings I thought I had.

"is it the interest level of the man at the split or during the months before that "counts"?"

Neither. It's the level of interest DURING the no contact period that is the deciding factor. Because here's the thing I think you may not realize. Men, unlike women, do NOT "feel" the depth of their feelings during periods of togetherness and bonding. Instead men, unlike women, tend to be able to truly "feel" their own feelings during periods of ABSENCE. Ever hear a man say, "I need some space. I need to see if I miss you." That's what they're doing. They're testing themselves and the depth of their own feelings by taking some space to be free to experience their feelings in. And whatever feelings surface during that absence, determine the final outcome. If the man takes the space and then realizes he has strong feelings, he'll come back. If he takes the space and then realizes his feelings weren't as strong as he'd thought, chances are he won't return.; June 28, 2014 at 10:59 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror do you think when these guys are taking their "space", do you think it ever crosses their mind that by doing this there is a chance they could lose the girl? Or are they so consumed with confusion that's all they can focus on? I've got one right now who told me six weeks ago he was confused and needed some time to think about things. We are in a LDR and he says it's difficult for him not to be able to see me more. Haven't heard from him since and I have made no contact.; June 28, 2014 at 6:34 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jun 28, 6:34 PM,
"do you think it ever crosses their mind that by doing this there is a chance they could lose the girl? Or are they so consumed with confusion that's all they can focus on"

It all depends on the individual themselves dear. I think folks that are free of personality disorders such as narcissism do consider it. But folks that are completely self absorbed and lack empathy and consideration for others (sociopathic) - no, they only think about themselves, not others.

"I've got one right now who told me six weeks ago he was confused and needed some time to think about things. We are in a LDR...Haven't heard from him since."

If you haven't heard from him in 6 weeks dear - you're not in a relationship - you're free and you're single.

In this situation, I believe it's best to accept that and move forward with your life. If he decides he's made a mistake and he wants you, he knows where to find you dear...let HIM come to YOU...and if you're still single if/when that happens, then you can consider the next appropriate steps ;-); June 30, 2014 at 3:41 PM
Tiff720 said...: It's me (Tiff720 June 27, 2014 at 6:45 PM) again MOA...

So it's nearing the end of week that we've agreed for him to stay at my place. I want to equip myself with the right words to say to get him to come back to my place instead of me going to his. I don't want to sound domineering, controlling, indecisive, demanding and all of the other negative words. I want to stand my ground, he's a creature of habit.... So what should I say?; July 2, 2014 at 12:17 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Tiff720,
"we've agreed for him to stay at my place...the right words to say to get him to come back to my place instead of me going to his"

If it's been agreed upon dear - you shouldn't have to "convince" him to go back to your place. If he's agreed to this, you don't need the right words..you simply need to remind him that this was the agreed upon plan - period, case closed.

And if he is now refusing to fulfill that commitment to you, to stay at your place this week instead of his, then you refuse to accommodate him by giving in and going back to his place. Instead, you walk. You say, "Okay, that isn't what we agreed upon, but if that's what you want, that's fine with me. I guess maybe I'll see you next week sometime then."

And then you go home - to your place - with or without him.

And you throw the word "maybe" in there purposefully to signal to him that he's now fallen a notch down in your list of priorities due to his refusal to compromise. You signal "uncertainty" there - you signal that because of his unwillingness to compromise and follow through with his commitments to you - you are now uncertain about the future.

And then you have faith in yourself, in your value as a woman - and you walk away from him, leaving him hanging with that thought. Giving him something for his mind to chew on a bit, making him think about YOU for once, instead of himself.

And if he walks away okay with this and doesn't contact you again or acts like a brat or whatever...then you know - it's either his way or the highway - and he's selfish and self-centered and he doesn't have the skill of compromise to make a relationship work. And then you decide if a relationship like that will ultimately make you happy and fulfill your needs...and if the answer is no, you leave things be (he'll probably circle back around in a month or so anyway LOL). If the answer is yes, then you give in and do things HIS way, or he'll show you the highway.

At some point dear, you need to set boundaries here with him of what you will and will not tolerate, and you stick to them. You don't fear losing him, you have faith in your value as a woman that he will return to you, be it in a week or a month or two - and that if he doesn't, some other man will soon come along and jump at the opportunity to be with you :-); July 2, 2014 at 1:00 PM
pisces girl said...: hi mirror-the lawyer finally called! after a week of no messages from him and me not messaging him either on watsapp he called me on Monday and we talked for a bit guess he was busy with family in town-he told me to try to make it to the city event that starts this friday and lasts about a week(parade, peformers etc) only problem is he lives 3.5 hours away and i dont have anyone to go with -my best friend is depressed and broke and a new girl i met who wants to go didnt make a good first impression on me but she said she would be willing to go with me.....so i dont know what to say to him. Im sorry i have no friends..lol sounds kind of pathetic. I dont wanna take a road trip alone either. I know you say a man should come to you but how can i tell him to come visit me instead?just made a big purchase myself so not a lot of extra money for spending on little trips like that. BTW what do you tell female friends who say men arent like that anymore (as in not liking when they initiate all the communication) my bestie said i should just pick up the phone and call him (long distance) instead of wait for him. I wouldnt take advice from her because shes hasnt had luck with men in her life but your totally right that men still have those old fashioned values -that wont change anytime soon unless of course they are lazy and want a woman doing all the work; July 2, 2014 at 3:54 PM
pisces girl said...: "And then you have faith in yourself, in your value as a woman - and you walk away from him"
now that is how a woman takes her power and control back and begins to rebuild her shattered self esteem by the arrogant entitled asshole who broke her heart, used her, mistreated her, disrespected her and then walked away..you live and learn and that needs to be a daily reminder for all of us -have faith in your value as a woman and if someone doesnt value you-walk away
thank you <3; July 2, 2014 at 4:07 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pisces Girl,
"how can i tell him to come visit me instead?"

Just tell him that unfortunately, you're not in a position to make the trip right now...but if he'd like to come down your way, you'd love to spend some time with him - and leave it at that.

"what do you tell female friends who say men arent like that anymore (as in not liking when they initiate all the communication)...she hasnt had luck with men in her life"

You just pose the question back to her and ask her, "If that works so well, then why aren't you in a lengthy committed relationship right now?"

Many women tend to think that because the man sleeps with them and dates them for 3 or 4 months, this tactic works - trouble is - it only works for brief flings generally. Men, interested or not, will generally take the woman up on her offer, get what they can from her, hang out for a while...and then split the minute something better comes along - or they get bored because they weren't all that interested in the first place.

And in my book - that's not success. That's not "working." And that's not a relationship, it's a brief fling.

"instead of wait for him"

What makes her think you'll sit around waiting on a man LOL? I never advocate that. You don't wait for him, you keep moving forward with you life, dating other men and enjoying yourself and living your life...and if he wants you, he knows where to find you - and he can always catch up to you if he likes ;-)

"men still have those old fashioned values"

I don't care what other women say..the simple fact of the matter is this - men do NOT respect women who do not respect themselves. Period, case closed. And as a result, they will generally not settle down with women like that. Sure, they'll sleep with them, date them for a while...but they generally do not choose to make a lifelong spouse out of a woman who lacks self-respect.

Ever hear that song by Nickleback, "Figured You Out?"

In that song, he's basically laying out how he "figured this girl out" and went from being crazy about her and liking lots of things about her...to quickly loathing her because after he figured out what she was all about - he ended up seeing her in a completely different light because all of the lack of self-respect she displayed.

He liked "the pants around your feet" (easy girl), he liked the "dirt that's on your knees" (dirty girl), he liked the way she "still said please, when you're looking up at me" (servicing him orally), and then says "you're like my favorite damn disease" (he knows she's bad for him, and he relates her to a nasty disease).

He loves the places that they go, the people that they know - but then suddenly, all those things he loved, he sees differently all of a sudden - and he swings into a tyrant about her lack of self-respect. He says, "Now I know who you are, it wasn't that hard, to figure you out."

He even goes so far as saying sarcastically, "I love your lack of self-respect, while you're passed out on the deck...I love my hands around you neck" (at this point, he's loathing her and is having visions of choking the shit out of her LOL).

That's how men eventually end up feeling about women that conduct themselves with a lack of self-respect. And that's why, after a couple of months - they split.

In the short term, yea chasing men works, it'll get you laid. But in the long term, it'll get you dumped and disrespected. Listen to the song closely, there's lots of symbolism in it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QPtHgy54fHU

Tell your girlfriend to listen to it too LOL ;-) By the end of that song, he's raging about how bad he now hates everything about that girl...and a lot of it goes back to her being a party girl type that lacks self-respect.; July 2, 2014 at 4:21 PM
pisces girl said...: I'll for sure check it out. Thanks Mirror. And unfortunately chasing has NEVER worked for me either.. it got me exactly what you pointed out and now i refuse to do it.; July 2, 2014 at 4:32 PM
Anonymous said...: Great article! I'm thinking about use the rule with the guy who is stringing me along.
Before we started "exclusively dating" he told me he has a commitment to see his ex- whom he invited to his brother's wedding in August few months ago, she booked the ticket, he doesn't want to tell her to cancel. I ignored the "warning" and we started dating for 1 month. We got on well, he said he felt for me but I guessed it's not enough because he still can't tell the girl to come to the wedding as a friend only- I know they will have sex although he said he is not even sure if he wants to do that but still can't risk screw up the wedding by telling her he is not going to sleep with her (what??). So I broke it off, said I couldn't devalue myself by being his options. He agreed not to see each other anymore but admitted he still likes me a lot and still wants to talk although he know we can't get back again. I keep talking to him like a friend because he is a very nice guy and I still like him. He would initiate contact everyday, still be so sweet to me. I'm now on holiday and nothing much to do so I think talking to him is OK but I will use no contact with him when I'm back in town. I know I will feel bad for him but yes that's the only way.
But I'm thinking about getting back to him after the wedding if at that time I'm not seeing anyone (but I won't let him know about that). Like dating again (yes after he slept with the girl). Does it sound OK? Does that mean I don't respect myself? I don't like him that much but also I don't know his situation with that girl clearly. I want to give us a chance because he is a very great guy, treated me so well when we were dating. So can I do that as long as it doesn't hurt my feeling?; July 3, 2014 at 4:26 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jul 3, 4:26 AM,
" I'm thinking about getting back to him after the wedding...yes after he slept with the girl...So can I do that as long as it doesn't hurt my feeling?"

It's going to hurt your feelings though. Once you sleep with him, you're going to get attached. And once you get attached, and he turns around and tells you he's still talking/seeing this other girl...you're going to get hurt.

"Does that mean I don't respect myself?"

To me, that's what that would signal. Because basically in essence, what this guy did was...choose that other girl over you :-( And once a man makes a choice like that, he can't take it back. He even said that himself, "he know we can't get back again." He knows what he did, he knows what that means. He knows he chose another over you - and that that's bad.

So to me, if you not only forgive that he chose another over you - but also overlook that he slept with her on top of it...yea, that's not valuing yourself dear :-( That's rewarding a man for bad behavior.

"I don't like him that much"

Then don't willingly put yourself in a situation with a half interested man - because it'll end badly.

"I know they will have sex although he said he is not even sure if he wants to do that but still can't risk screwing up the wedding by telling her he is not going to sleep with her"

WTF?? Screwing up the wedding...because he cancelled his date for it? What the hell does him swapping out his date (or cancelling it) have anything to do with his brothers wedding? What...is his brother going to be super upset because his brothers ex girlfriend isn't there? Is his brother going to cancel his own wedding simply because his brothers ex girlfriend didn't show up? What the hell???

I've heard a lot of BS stories in my time but I gotta' tell ya'....that one is just flat out ridiculous. He's acting like his brother's entire wedding is hinging on his ex girlfriend showing up, which is absurd. I'm quite sure his brother is more worried about getting married that day...and doesn't give a rat's ass about the date his brother is bringing.

"he felt for me but I guessed it's not enough because he still can't tell the girl to come to the wedding as a friend only"

You know what all this tells me? It tells me that HE still has feelings for his ex girlfriend and HE is using this wedding as an excuse to be with her again...and HE is looking forward to sleeping with her that night. This is all a big sham...it's an excuse for him to try to reconcile with his ex, whom he apparently still has strong feelings for :-(

Stay away from him dear, or you're going to get caught up in some love triangle here...because if he does sleep with her after that wedding...most likely, they'll still be involved after the wedding is over as well - because it appears he's using this as an excuse to reconcile with her...or at least to attempt to.

You're better off staying out of the situation dear, so you don't get caught up in it and get hurt :-(; July 3, 2014 at 9:08 AM
Tiff720 said...: Hi MOA... its me once again (July 2, 2014 at 12:17 PM )... so as we were talking last night. He mentioned that he has a "plan" for me. He will be watching is newphew this Saturday-Sunday and his "plan" is for me to come over his house (spend the weekend) and we engage in the activities/events he has planned for the both of us. However, during him mentioning that he has a "plan for me" he also mentioned "if it's okay, if I want to" I felt a little manipulation with the words. What do you think? How should I handle this? What should I say?; July 3, 2014 at 9:18 AM
Anonymous said...: Thank you so much!
That's what I'm trying to tell myself everyday that he doesn't deserve me but then I still make excuses for him. Like he is now living in my country (in Asia) and that girl is from another country and after the wedding they will separate for good (he doesn't do distant relationship so that's why they broke it off). So the girl booked the ticket to go from France to Ireland and she has plan to stay in his place for one week. This happened before he met me and he was honest and told me about his situation from the beginning.
He said "If in a few months if there is even the slightest chance of us having something together I'd love to explore it, though I know it's highly unlikely that you would want that" and that's why I think he wants to string me along.
So now we are just friends and I will stop talking to him and date someone else. But if one day we date again is it a different situation?; July 3, 2014 at 10:34 AM
Anonymous said...: Hey Mirror and ladies, Anonymous June 16 & 19 @ 6:03PM & 12:37PM here. I’m here today to ask your opinion about another situation I’m in Mirror. Though I have still been talking to the guy in my original post, I feel that it’s not going to be anything more than a friendship between us. He seems to be a really great guy who appears to have an interest in me (he has initiated texts every day since I added him of FB), just asking if I’m ok and talking about random stuff. He has not asked me out or initiated a call, but he has consistently texted, shared things about his day, about his daughter, about work and about me and about himself. I do enjoy talking to him. Idk, just something about his energy. I smile when I hear from him.

The situation I would like your input in Mirror is regarding another guy I met at my internship. I received a message on my work email one day back in June from a guy. I did not recognize his name, so of course my immediate reaction was “Who is this” “How do you know my name?”. Apparently he had seen me in the elevator a couple times and I peaked his interest I suppose. He said he “always wanted to say something to me when he saw me”. He did not directly approach me face to face, but rather asked someone my name so he could send me a message through the work (IM) messaging system. I’m not sure if he was too shy to approach face to face, but he apologized and said it was wrong of him to have asked someone else. When he described himself, I vaguely remembered him, and I happened to run into him lateron in the day when I had to drop something off at the bursary on the floor he works on.

So we talked a bit at work (through IM), though I didn’t entertain it because I honestly was busy and since it was work, I didn’t feel it was appropriate to answer questions like “What do u do for fun”. He asked for my number the same day, but I did not give it to him until the day after, when he asked a second time (wanted to gauge his level of interest). So we’ve been talking on whatsapp ever since (June 6th). He has been quite consistent about sending me a “Good morning’ message everyday and asking how I’m doing.

He has called me a couple times too (some of the calls I have missed), but I know that he is not afraid to pick up the phone to talk and even straight up told me that he wants to talk to me more. He told me pretty early that he “wants to get acquainted with my social life” and “maybe even be my social life” and also that “he wants to be more than just a friend” – he told me that after 4 days of communicating. One day he even said:

J> U know I want to be apart of ur busy agenda
J>Maybe even be the only thing on ur agenda
Me> The only thing?
J> Well, I know u can be the only person on my agenda.; July 6, 2014 at 3:25 AM
Anonymous said...: He also asked me if I’m single – to which I told him yes but I’m not looking for a serious relationship right now (Mirror I’m in a position where just want to date/talk to guys right now – without having sex of course. I’m still not completely over my ex, but I’m forcing myself to talk to other guys and get myself out there).

Red Flag # 1: He added me on FB a couple days after talking. He told me that his profile was kind of inactive. I didn’t really pay attention to that, but what did catch my eye was that he had “in a relationship” where his relationship status is. I kept a note of it, but said nothing on the day he added me. When he asked me if I was single I decided to ask about it. I asked “Are you single. I think I saw in a relationship under ur status on fb”. His response was:

J>yea I am
J>That’s been there since ages ago
J> Been single for months now

He still has not taken it down/hidden it.

Since then we have continued talking. He has expressed an interest in seeing me, playfully told me that he wants me to cook for him, and has asked me if I would come and watch him play at one of him football matches. We even briefly shared what happened with our lat relationships. He also invited me to the beach with him (I declined because he asked me on a Friday, to go with him the next day – of course I remembered your 3 day rule Mirror…plus I had prior engagements)

I was busy for about two weeks after we initially started communicating as I had a Research Proposal to focus on. He noticed and commented on me being busy and asked if “I’m always this busy” and that I’m “playing hide and seek” as I’m always in and out of whatsapp.

He continued to express how much he wanted to talk, asked me when my schedule will be free so we can “really converse” and commented on how MIA I’ve been and how he thought that “I abandoned him” during the week that I was really busy. I will say I did not tell him I would be busy – I just did what I had to do, responding to his messages on my own time – whether it be a couple minutes to an hour or hours apart. I did eventually tell him though and he understood.

So on June 24, after I handed in my proposal, he said to me “Let’s plan something soon”. I told him to check what movies are out and let me know. The next day he gave me the list and said that I can choose what I want to watch – it’ my call. The weekend of the 28th was not convenient for me so I told him that it will have to be the following week (this weekend). He confirmed with me on the 29th whether it will be during the week or the weekend and the following day I said weekend - to which he said ok.; July 6, 2014 at 3:26 AM
Anonymous said...: (Final)

Fast-forward to Thursday (July 3rd) in the afternoon he asked what day we were going and if it was Saturday. I said yes. He called me in the night to talk for a bit while he was stuck in traffic on his way home and during the conversation, he asked me if we could go to the movies on Friday instead. I told him no and said that Saturday is a better day for me. He said ok again and that he will be able to work with it. Up until this point, we had not agreed on the time and he did not offer to pick me up (he knows where I live as he has been in the area before), but I decided to say nothing and just watch his actions. I did not want to be the one to ask. I wanted him to freely offer to do so himself.

Saturday comes and I log into facebook to discover that it is his birthday. He had told me when his birthday is the first week of us talking, but honestly I did not remember. So I open whatsapp
To find that he also changed him profile pic to “Kiss me, It’s my birthday”. I message him at 10:13 and said “Morning”, “Happy birthday”. He said “Thank you” and immediately asked if the 5:00 movie is ok. I said it was fine. After that he asked where he should come and get me (this was at 10:35). I was at the hairdresser at the time and I felt somewhat relieved that he finally asked. I responded to him saying “At my house, if you can” and e said “Sure”.

Red flag #2: He did not say what time he was coming to pick me up or asked the timeframe as to when can he come to pick me up. At 3:50, shortly after stepping out of the shower he messages me and says:

Him>Hey
Him> We may have to reschedule
Me (3:55)> For a different day or for 8?
Him (3:55)> Different day
Him (3:57): Hope I didn’t disappoint u

When I saw that message Mirror, I thought to myself, why did he not give me an explanation as to why we had to reschedule? What happened? I don’t want to jump to conclusions here but I cannot help but to wonder if it had anything to do with his birthday. After his last text, I said nothing more to him. Up until 8:00, not a word from him, nor had he tried calling. I went unto whatsapp at around 8. My suspicion is that he saw me come online, because he messaged me at 8:03:

Him> Hello
Him> I’m so sorry about today
Him> I just got back into *insert the name of the area he lives*
Me> *crickets*

I then went offline, and I haven’t heard from him since his last message. Though he apologized, he still has not offered an explanation. Mirror, I would love your perspective on this as I am a little confused as to where I should go from here. Should I wait for him to give me an explanation? How many days should I wait before responding to him? I’m not sure what to even say, as I know on one hand, asking him what happened is a no-no, but on the other I don’t want to act as though I am “ok” with the situation (having been given no explanation); July 6, 2014 at 3:27 AM
Anonymous said...: Hey Mirror, it's me again. I posted anonymously sometime in the early morning hours. I know my main concern was him not giving me an explanation for rescheduling the date, but what also mostly off-putting to me was the time in which he came to me telling me this. It was practically 4:00 when he text me about rescheduling (we were to go to a movie for 5/5:30). He came to me very late about it, very last minute - which is why I felt an explanation would have been the courteous and chivalrous thing to do. Would you feel this way too Mirror, if you were in my situation?

To be honest, I turned off my wifi on my phone today. I don't want any messages from him coming through right now, nor am I going online.; July 6, 2014 at 1:03 PM
Anonymous said...: And one more thing Mirror (last message). The first Red Flag that I mentioned about him having "in a relationship" on his fb profile. The reason why it was a concern for me that he did not take it down was because since adding me, he has posted things on there. He's changed his profile picture, posted status messages, shared videos etc. (not every day tho) so he does not appear to be that inactive. Not sure if this should really be a red flag, but I thought it was worth mentioning.; July 6, 2014 at 1:51 PM
Anonymous said...: I met a guy online and we immediately had a connection. We chatted online at first, then moved to texting everyday throughout the day, then progressed to talking on the phone for a couple hours every single night. Our first date was amazing, and we had a great time. We've since still texted and talked throughout the day and had many more dates. I've met some of his family, hung out with him and his kids, and we've had sex quite a few times. Recently, he's began acting different towards me. He still texts me first in the morning, but now I may get two or three texts all day instead of a couple an hour. And, now it feels like our nightly phone calls are a chore, although he tells me it's nice to hear from me or hear my voice or share about our day. He's told me I'm his girlfriend, he's told me he has feelings for me, and he's treated me very well.
I'm confused recently by his change in action towards me and he seems less like he wants to spend time with me. When I've asked him about it, he says he's "confused" and needs to "work it out" and he wants to "get it right". These vague responses have me so confused. I still have very strong feelings for him and don't want anything to change with us; July 6, 2014 at 8:44 PM
Anonymous said...: ...cont.
he contacted me first as always Saturday morning and then had back and forth texting with me all day. Now, today (Sunday) I've not heard from him once (not even the customary good morning text). This hasn't happened once since we've been together. I have refused to contact him today either. If he calls me tonight, I was going to ignore it. How long should I not return contact? Any other insight which might be helpful? Your blogs are so helpful to me! Thank you!!; July 6, 2014 at 8:47 PM
Anonymous said...: Is saying you need space from an ex boyfriend a form of no contact? Especially if you just forget about them and move on during that time?

I love and care about him a lot, and he has admitted the same. However, we are both too young to be pursuing such an intense relationship with each other at this time, and decided we need to both go search for our ideal relationship. I decided to ask him to give me space and not stay friends right now because he can be quite the charmer, and I don't want to end up back in his pants every time he becomes single, haha. We already had a very brief FWB-thing a few months after we broke up, and I cut that off a week after, when I came to my senses.

Obviously, at the end of the day I want to be someone he regrets losing...after all, who knows what will happen in a few years once we've both grown up and experienced more? The feelings he has for me now aren't the same (the spark died, and he says he doesn't view me in that romantic way anymore, yet he claims "you am the best possible girlfriend I've ever had, and very well may be the greatest woman I will ever meet").

By refusing to be friends right now, asking for space, and then never speaking to him again (i.e. forgetting him and moving on with my life), can I take myself out of that comfortable "friend zone" and become someone he will regret losing in the future?; July 7, 2014 at 10:07 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Tiff720,
"He mentioned that he has a "plan" for me. He will be watching is newphew this Saturday-Sunday and his "plan" is for me to come over his house (spend the weekend) and we engage in the activities/events he has planned for the both of us."

Sounds to me like he's looking for assistance to entertain his nephew. I wouldn't go. That's not a date, it's babysitting.; July 7, 2014 at 6:08 PM
Tiff720 said...: Hi MOA... this is Tiff720 again... I made a mistake or I think I did, but what should I do? So I think I recall during one of the conversations that my guy and I agreed upon we spend every other week at each others house. Well yesterday I had so much things to happening and we talked and each time we talked he kept asking saying "so are you coming over". Well instead of me saying "that's not what we'd agreed upon" or similar. I ignored commenting. I wasn't sure if I had agreed to come to his house or not, but now I feel bad because I do not recall. I'm not trying to play any games. I honestly had alot of things going on in my mind and just didn't feel like going to his house. Am I beating myself up over nothing? I don't want this or him to have a different perspective/look on me not communicating. Because our communication is great! I think I just had a moment... what do you think?; July 8, 2014 at 8:06 AM
Tiff720 said...: Hi MOA... So my guy and I had decided to stay at each other's house every other week. Well Sunday night into Monday morning he stayed over that was agreed upon. However, later that day he kept implying if I was coming over his house. I ignored to comment (which was dumb). Our communication is great. I'm not making any excuses, but I was trying to play back the conversation in my head if I was to go over there last night. My crazy self took a laxative and it had me messed up...lol...but we talked and again he implied if I was coming over. Again that 9:45 AM
was my opportunity to say something, but I was too busy about my stomach and ignored to comment. Now I feel bad that I did not communicate what I was going to do and that I didn't feel like coming over, but will be over tomorrow.... then I ended up calling him this morning (all the while, my coinscience is telling me to hang up let him call me) Ugh.. so i didn't follow my coinscience and called. Our convo was okay, but I don't know if I'm looking too much in to it.... what are your thoughts? what should i do?; July 8, 2014 at 9:54 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jul 6, 3:25 AM,
"I asked “Are you single. I think I saw in a relationship under ur status on fb”. His response was, "yea I am, That’s been there since ages ago, Been single for months now."

Nah - ain't buying whatever he's selling there.

He's either in a relationship, or he's an insecure guy that's attempting to trick others into thinking he is (i.e. ex-girlfriend, impress male friends, etc.) which is a BIG red flag because it signals someone desperate and willing to play games to create a false impression...NOT good at all. Because if he'll do that about his relationship status, he's most likely creating false impressions about other things as well.

So he's either got a girlfriend, or he's insecure and playing games.

"U know I want to be apart of ur busy agenda, Maybe even be the only thing on ur agenda..Well, I know u can be the only person on my agenda."

That sounds like a lot of disingenuous smarmy player talk. Seriously, who says something like that only days after suddenly popping into your life? What guys says, "I want ME to be the center of YOUR world." Honestly to me, a statement like that translates to, "I want YOU to believe anything I say, so that I can manipulate you into making ME your God."

There's something disingenuous and a bit sleezy about talking like that.

"playfully told me that he wants me to cook for him"

Hmm...no date, no special treatment from him for you...but he wants you to cook for him? I don't think so. Again, if you read between the lines with this guy, that translates to, "So when are you going to start letting me manipulate you into being my servant, while I'm your God." How date he expect you to cook for him, when he hasn't lifted one damn finger for you? He hasn't even taken you on a date, and now he expects you to mother him and cook for him? Next, he'll be tossing his dirty laundry at you. Yea...I don't think so bud.

"I did not tell him I would be busy"

You don't have to answer to this man or explain yourself to him - and don't let him manipulate you into thinking that you do have to do that.

"We may have to reschedule for a different day or for 8?"

Yea and had you scheduled for 8, he'd have cancelled that one too. I don't trust this guy.

"Should I wait for him to give me an explanation?"

No - you wait for no man. You keep moving forward with your life.

Cont...; July 9, 2014 at 8:41 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "How many days should I wait before responding to him?"

You DON'T respond to him - you put him to the test and see what he's made out of and you see if HE contacts YOU. And if he doesn't, then you stay silent and thank your lucky stars that you just saved yourself from a player.

"I don’t want to act as though I am “ok” with the situation"

You're NOT okay with the situation. And you don't say it, you SHOW it - by remaining silent and forcing him to man up here.

"Would you feel this way too Mirror, if you were in my situation?"

I'd be so turned off by all of this, I'd never speak to him again. Seriously - never taking you on a nice date, but asking you to cook for him, then when he does finally ask you on a date, he cancels an hour before, only to resurface hours later without explanation...after he pops into your life in a strange sneaky way, by asking your name and IM'ing you instead of talking to you, and then immediately signaling that he's insecure and needs to be "your entire agenda" - when all the while, he's "in a relationship" on Facebook, but thinks you're naive and going to buy his story about "Eh, that's been there for ages" - when clearly he's either in a relationship, which is why he disappeared on his birthday to have dinner with his girlfriend, OR he's trying to trick someone into thinking he IS in a relationship when he isn't.....

NONE of that is good dear. It's got player written all over it. This guy's smarmy, full of BS, a liar, a game player, and insecure. The cancellation of the date would be the icing on the cake for me....NEXT LOL!! ;-); July 9, 2014 at 8:41 AM
Anonymous said...: touche Mirror! " and might i add a strong, confident woman "never chases them, she replaces them" and i totally agree with you about this guy-he's shady and seems like a total game player. NEXT is right! lol; July 9, 2014 at 10:58 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jul 7, 10:07 AM,
"Is saying you need space from an ex boyfriend a form of no contact? Especially if you just forget about them and move on during that time?"

I'd say yea, more or less, it is. Although it's not intentional in the same way, it's simply moving on.

"can I take myself out of that comfortable "friend zone" and become someone he will regret losing in the future?"

I think you're doing the right thing here. You're not trying to be mean, you're simply trying to protect yourself and you're smart enough and know yourself well enough to know that if you don't do this...you'll end up back there.

Whether or not he'll regret this though, only time will tell. Sometimes these men resurface a month later and in other cases, they need to do lots of thinking and have lots of other experiences with other women to realize...they already had the best. One regular reader here just had a guy she really liked but walked away from - resurface after a year - with a changed perspective about her. So you never know.

But one thing that's for certain is...either way, you have your answer. Meaning, if he resurfaces with a new attitude, you made an impression. If he doesn't, then it wasn't what you thought it was. But in the end, eventually that answer arrives either way - it just requires some patience :-); July 9, 2014 at 5:19 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jul 6, 8:44 PM,
"When I've asked him about it, he says he's "confused" and needs to "work it out" and he wants to "get it right"."

Don't ask him about it. Don't try to "talk it out." Men do not respond well to that and if they feel cornered by it, they bolt.

Instead, you SHOW him that you won't stick around for this and you do that by not being as available to him (don't jump on his calls, texts, etc.), you don't contact him (don't initiate texts, calls, emails, social media interaction, etc.), you stop being accommodating to him (if he asks for a last minute date and thinks you're on standby for him, you don't accept the date. You tell him you already have plans, even if you don't), and basically....you pull back on him.

It's called the rubber band theory. Picture a rubber band around both your waists, holding you together. When he pulls back, the tension brings you towards him (you try harder). Use this psychological effect to your advantage because it works both ways. So he's pulling back, and instead of you springing towards him, YOU now pull back as well. You put lots of tension on that rubber band and you keep pulling back...until the tension causes him to spring towards YOU.

"How long should I not return contact?"

For however long it takes him to contact you. If he's disappeared for a day, then you take a day to respond. If he's disappeared for 2 days, then you take 2 days to respond. You mirror his behavior. If you do that, he'll soon get the message that if he doesn't like you not being available to him, then he needs to be available to you. It'll also signal to him that he doesn't have this "in the bag" meaning, it's not a "sure thing" like he'd probably assumed it was, and that you're not sitting around waiting on him, that this isn't appreciated and if he can do it, you can too - and that if he's going to leave you with uncertainty, then you'll do the same - and if he's going to float away from you, you can do that too.

That's how you keep things fair and balanced without getting run over. Picture the rubber band - pull way back on it and see if the tension causes him to spring towards you.

If it doesn't, you have your answer. And if it does, then you take your good old time getting back to him and you show him how it feels - when the woman is in control of herself and the relationship ;-); July 9, 2014 at 5:30 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello Ms. Mirror, it's from Anonymous Jul 7, 10:07 AM. Just wanted to say thanks for the encouragement! I feel really good in walking away from this guy...finally. Letting go is hard but I feel it's for the best.

I have an update for you: literally three days after I asked him for space, he texted me! "I know I'm not supposed to talk to you, but..." and he just said some random inside joke between the two of us!

I figure it's a bit of a guilt trip and a way to "test" me and see if I was serious about my need for space, which I am. I didn't respond at all, in which case, it's sort of turning into no contact? But why won't he respect my need for space, when literally a few days ago we said our goodbyes and he told me he would leave me to have my space? And why is it when you step out of a guy's life and put your foot down, suddenly he's up in your face again? Is he genuinely interested, or just making a half-assed attempt to keep me in his "harem"? My ex is a player.; July 10, 2014 at 12:31 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jul 10, 8:14 AM
"Is he genuinely interested, or just making a half-assed attempt to keep me in his "harem"?"

The only way you're going to know that is to stay away and stay silent and see how hard he tries, how many attempts he makes. If he makes one or two lame attempts the disappears, no he's not serious. But if he starts to make repeated attempts to contact you, you stay silent, and he still keeps trying and signals he needs to talk to you or apologize to you....then you can take him a bit more serious.; July 10, 2014 at 8:17 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello Mirror and ladies,

Anonymous July @ 3:25AM here. I’m back with a mini update. Before I continue I just want to say thank you Mirror for your input. Thank you also Anonymous Jul 9 @10:58AM. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to me. He really does appear to be a player and quite insecure. I don’t think he was tht serious about going to the movies with me either, as (believe it or not) he has not made an attempt to reschedule up until this point. Here is what has happened so far:

He sent me a message on whatsapp the day after the date was supposed to take place: (Sunday)

Him(8:41): Morning
Him(10:09): Hello
Him (10:09): Morning
Him (11:43) I guess u not talking to me

I remained silent day as well as Monday.

On Monday and Tuesday of this week, he tried calling me (one call on each of the days), so I decided that since he somewhat made repeated attempts to reach me, I texted him on Tuesday night. I wasn’t into talking for very long, just a simple “hi” and see what he would say/do. He responded by saying that he thought I “went into hibernating on him”. I didn’t respond to that as I felt it didn’t deserve a response and he said nothing more.

Side-note: I found out sometime during the week that he attended a party on Sunday evening (the day after he asked for the movie to be rescheduled). He was tagged in a picture on facebook. Not that I expected him to, but he did not mention it to me, but I found it interesting that he had time to attend the party, yet didn’t make any moves to reschedule. I’m not going to hold that against him though.

So he messages me on Wednesday and said good morning. Three hours later I still had not responded to his text and he then sent me another message - this time only typing my name. This is not the first time he has done this and I find it quite strange to be honest. Why only type my name after not responding to you? This guy claims to want to “talk” to me so much yet when he has the chance he only engages in small talk and reiterates how much I’ve been gone. He has not asked me anything personal about myself, my dreams, etc, nothing to show interest on a deeper level. I mean he has yet to ask me if I have any pets (and I told him I’m an animal lover).; July 11, 2014 at 9:22 PM
Anonymous said...: So I finally reply to him at 8:50 that night:

Me: Hey
Him: Sup
Me: Not much
Him: You went into hiding
Me: Hiding? No
Him: Seems that way
Him: From me though

He then asked me what I have been up to and I told him that I was relaxing and watching tv and that my dog was having puppies that night. He joked by asking if he can get one, and I told him that they’re not going to be given away, they’re being sold. His reply: “Lol” “Oh ok”. I didn’t respond to that and he said nothing more for the night.

Fast forward to yesterday. Again, he sent me a good morning text at 8:24. I responded at 11:12. We talked back and forth for a few minutes and he asked me how I’m doing and “what’s the plan for the rest of the week”. He was at work at the time (work ends at 4:30 for him). I was at home, but was doing various things including watering plants, checking in with the pups/mom and relaxing. By the time I got back to him it was near the end of his work day. So I tell him what I did for the day and his response was “K” and immediately said that he had a football match that day but he “guess it’s too late to invite me”.

He had told me about the match the previous week, and I had not given him a definitive answer on whether or not I would go…and he didn’t remind me on the days leading up to it. I was a little annoyed by his comment (him expecting me to go at that late stage) and didn’t respond to it. At that point I felt kind of turned off to be honest that he seemed to have expected me to go to him to watch his match, yet when it came down to coming to me, (the movie date) it didn’t pan out.

So I left the message unanswered. He messages me again at 8:32 with a “Hey’ text followed by “Tagged ur it”. Now…I was taken aback by this. We are both 25 year old adults and he wants to play a game…tag you’re it…over the phone? So I respond by saying “U like to play games I see”. Do u know what he responded and said Mirror? “No” “But apparently u do” “When I message u, up to 5 hours pass before I hear from u :-/”

Me: I don’t see that as playing games. I have been busy lately
Him: Same here dear
Me: Ok
Him: Oh well

Needless to say I stopped responding and I doubt I will ever talk to him again. I really did not like his tone in the last exchange. It was almost as if he had an attitude...and for what really? This is my last post to you about this guy Mirror, but I just wanted to know what are your thoughts on what has transpired over the past few days?

Can you believe that I somewhat started to feel a little bad after that? But I know I shouldn’t be. Still no word about rescheduling the date and honestly I don’t want to go out with him anymore. He doesn’t appear to be that interested anyways.; July 11, 2014 at 9:24 PM
Anonymous said...: hi, I think I have been dumped but I pushed to that, by the texts quite harsh, he didnt like and pulled away, now I am regreting, there was some contact from his part but basically I think he applied a rule of no contact, it hurts, I decided to stay friends with him, as feel it wont be so easy to get over him, shall I apply the no contact rule as well?; July 12, 2014 at 8:39 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Anonymous July @ 3:25AM,
"Why only type my name after not responding to you?"

As a "shock" tactic, to try to get you to respond. He feels if he really mixes it up, confuses you and kinda' shocks you by doing something unusual, it'll compel you to respond.

"he only engages in small talk and reiterates how much I’ve been gone"

He only engages in small talk because if he's a true player - they never really have anything interesting to say at all. They're generally "mimbos" - male bimbos - the male of the bimbo world. A pretty face and a big, giant empty head LOL.

And he's reiterating how much you've been gone because he can't believe this crap of his isn't working at making you very insecure. He figured by now, after yanking you around a bit, you'd be clawing at his door, throwing yourself at him, and completely consumed by him. That's not the case and he can't figure out why.

"He has not asked me anything personal about myself, my dreams, etc, nothing to show interest on a deeper level. I mean he has yet to ask me if I have any pets (and I told him I’m an animal lover)."

He's a mimbo dear - Mr. Airhead Fun Time. He's like the guy you can't take seriously ya' know? He can't go deep because he's an extremely shallow individual. He's trying to play games here and make you feel very insecure so that you try harder to win him over. That's the players strategy. It removes all of the work from their shoulders and places it square on the woman's - all they have to do then is sit back and watch insecure women throw themselves at them then, ya' know?

"said that he had a football match that day but he “guess it’s too late to invite me”."

If I remember correctly, this is the second time he's made this invitation. How the hell is watching him play a sport a date? Everything is about this guy - he wants an audience, he wants it all to be about him, he doesn't want to lift a finger for anyone, he wants a woman present to impress the other players...it's all incredibly shallow. This guy has absolutely nothing to offer. No enlightening conversation, no enjoyable personality, no special treatment, no good times....nothing. Quite frankly, he's an incredible bore.

"I felt kind of turned off to be honest that he seemed to have expected me to go to him to watch his match, yet when it came down to coming to me, (the movie date) it didn’t pan out"

It's clearly all about him - "watch me, call me, text me, answer me...me, me, me." Boring LOL.

“U like to play games I see”. Do u know what he responded and said Mirror? “No” “But apparently u do” “When I message u, up to 5 hours pass before I hear from u :-/”

Yea, he's not used to that - he's probably more used to being the one that DOES that, which is why he knows exactly what that means. And what he fails to realize is...you never would've had to start doing that to slow things down with him...had HE not started this crap FIRST. If he doesn't like the way things are right now...maybe he should stop setting the stage for it. But you see, you threw him a monkey wrench because normally when he plays those pranks early on...the girl doesn't stand her ground and throw his own crap right back at him. Chances are, the women instead generally become very insecure about themselves, wondering why he's cancelling dates, standing them up, etc. - so they turn up the volume and try harder, kicking it into overdrive - which basically results in them throwing themselves at him and becoming very easy targets.

cont...; July 13, 2014 at 9:53 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: That's the reaction I'll bet he's used to. He's not at all used to the reaction YOU are giving him, but he DOES know full well what it means, because it's a taste of his own medicine LOL.

"It was almost as if he had an attitude...and for what really?"

Because that's how insecure men get dear, particularly the players. Once men like that realize you're rejecting them and/or you're not really that impressed or interested - they can get very, very nasty. This guy didn't get as bad as some that I've dealt with, but let me tell you...they'll stoop pretty low and get very nasty. And it's because they're insecure and they don't know how to cope maturely with what's happening to them or to think it through logically and realize THEY actually made it this way by treating you poorly and taking you for granted in the first place.

I had one guy...it still makes me laugh. And I'm quite sure he has not forgotten about me LOL. He played a game and it blew up in his face. One of our last conversations he ended by saying, "I'll call you this week and we'll get together on Friday." Okay cool.

That week comes - silence. Only crickets, no call, no text, no nothing. Okay whatever. Then Saturday morning arrives or Sunday, I can't remember, and he texts me and he's being very shitty. He text something like, "Gee, I haven't heard from you all week, feels good to know you care." Umm...I'm a Taurus, the bull, and coming at me like that basically amounts to waving a red flag in my face LOL - chaaarge!

So I charge him and I hit him with this response, "Last I was told, you were calling this week and we were getting together on Friday. If you're pissed off that your little game didn't pan out, that's on you, not me." Then he says something like, "I don't play games." I said, "You just did - and you lost. You just found out, I'm not insecure - you are." Then he tore into me, saying nasty things and trying to bring me down. I, in turn, mirrored that and my responses to his insults were, "LOL." So eventually, after a barrage of nasty texts from him that weren't affecting me as he'd planned, he finally says, "Good luck to you." So I respond back, mirroring his own BS again, and I say, "Same to you - you're going to need it."

And you know what his FINAL response was? He said, "I know." LOL ;-)

Regardless of his attitude, he knew he just blew the entire situation up in his face because he tried to play a little game and he lost. Not only did he lose, he met someone who could call him on his own BS. And at that point, apparently it became clear to him that he was going to need lots of luck with women LOL.

These guys, deep down, know exactly what they're doing dear. But if they can get away with it, if the woman lets them manipulate HER into feeling bad, then it all works to their advantage - and they're not used to losing or encountering women like that. And when they do...the only way they know how to handle it, is like a child - very immaturely. They start getting nasty, like little bullies on the schoolyard playground. It's to be expected from men like that.

"Can you believe that I somewhat started to feel a little bad after that?"

Of course dear - that's how he EXPECTED you to react. That was the entire purpose.

cont...; July 13, 2014 at 9:54 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "I don’t want to go out with him anymore"

That's what happens dear - once they've revealed themselves as insecure, immature, childish pranksters...the shine wears off of them quickly.

Don't sweat this - you dodged a bullet here dear. This guy was pretty "seasoned" at his game and had you not stood up for yourself...I'm quite certain this one would've sweet talked and charmed his way into your life, making you believe he really wanted a relationship with you - would've slept with you two or three times - then drifted off to the next conquest. Men like him aren't looking for relationships with any woman - they're seeking short lived "adventures" with them (sexapades) and then they bolt once that's been satisfied.

But you didn't let yourself be manipulated in that way and you just saved yourself from getting hurt. So don't be sad - be very, very proud of yourself dear. You showed real strength :-); July 13, 2014 at 9:54 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jul 12, 2:36 PM,
"should I remove him from my Facebook/Snapchat/Skype etc.?"

That's a personal decision dear. I usually suggest that - if you're going to spy and cannot pull yourself away from following his every move via social media - then yea, remove him. But if you don't do that and all is well and you don't start to obsess, then it's okay to leave things in place - just don't communicate or interact over any of those channels with him.

"I was reading this article (written by a man!), basically advocating to keep your ex on Facebook but DON'T talk to them...but isn't there some truth to it?"

I agree, as I stated above, that that is one option - but I would add to that that if you find yourself spying, obsessing, etc. - then no - don't leave things be, remove him instead - because that's better for YOUR mental well being.

I get what he's doing there on that site (creepily, his approach is very similar to this site - a regular MOA reader perhaps? LOL) but honestly, the whole FB thing...it's such a joke. I don't think FB is going to be anyone's saving grace....I think the only thing social media does for relationships is 1) destroy them and 2) provide a tool for people to create false impressions about who they really are.

If you need to rely on FB to pull someone back into your life - the odds are stacked against you in my opinion. Real life takes place in our 3 dimensional world - not in the virtual one that's faked so easily.; July 13, 2014 at 10:09 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror. I broke up with my that guy a few years ago. We didn't stay in contact coz he wanted to introduce that 'friends with benefits' thing between us. Two years later, we met again but he was acting like an autistic or NPD , he was very disrespectful again. So we had a huge fight. He sent me a message a few days later (there was no apologies in the message), I ignored. 6 months later he was back in town and he emailed me for a coffee, but I was busy and I declined. It's been a year without contact, but I still think of him. I'll go in town in a few weeks and was wondering whether you think it would be a bad idea to ask if he'll be there as well. What do you think? I don't know what I expect from a catch up with him. But the only thing I know is that I just wanna see him. Thanks!; July 13, 2014 at 7:53 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA. I love your articles and they have really helped me get rid of this dirtbag that's been a part of my life for a while. It's been 8 months since I've heard from him and he's tried contacting me 4 times out of those 8 months, and of course they all got ignored because it wasn't along the lines of "I'm sorry" or :we need to talk," it was like "hey what's up." Like nothing has ever happened. Anyways, I still find myself thinking about him non-stop, hoping everyday that he would come back and hopes of going back to the person he used to be instead of this arrogant, selfish jerk he's turned into. But since it's been this long I doubt that's going to happen. I don't know if I truly love this guy or maybe I'm just very attached to him. What's the difference between love and attachment?; July 13, 2014 at 11:37 PM
Anonymous said...: SOS MOA!!! :)

I was in a LDR with a guy for 8 months (we met, dated 2 months and he was promoted and had to move). Everything has been great except for a little pushing away on his part which brought us to an argument that led to us to our breakup. We have been talking every 3-5 days since. In a nutshell, since our breakup, he's text me that he misses me, that he's been in love with me for a while and his pushing me away was his way of resisting himself of falling in love and that he wants to work on things. Herein lies the problem: his actions do not measure up to his words. It seems that one minute, he's back to the guy I wanted to date and then disappears the next. My guy tells me he truly cares about me, but probably hasn't felt this serious about a girl in a while. I got fed up with his flakiness and told him I was moving on, his reply was "if thats what you want". I was frustrated with his response and said something hurtful in return. I drunk text him the next night and explained to him that his actions next lined up with his words and that was the reasoning for my irrational response and that what we had was important to me and I was curious on his feelings about things. He responded to me the next night with "????????", then "What do you want from me????????" and finally "????????????". I was asleep and didn't answer until the next day with "To see whether we can work this out" (no response). Then I sent him a funny picture trying to make things light (no response) and then I sent him a text this morning asking if he'd be interested in meeting up this weekend. Again, no response.

I think I need to imply 30 days of No Contact...

Thanks! Cancer woman with Cancer Man; July 14, 2014 at 3:50 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Cancer woman with Cancer Man,
"I got fed up with his flakiness and told him I was moving on, his reply was "if thats what you want"

When they respond like that - perfect. You LET THAT THOUGHT LIE WITH HIM, and work on his mind. You do NOT jump in to explain yourself or engage him in battle. You ignore him sassing off to you, you remain mature and undeterred by it - and you leave him be in SILENCE to think about that for a few weeks.

"I was frustrated with his response and said something hurtful in return. I drunk text him the next night and explained"

I probably don't have to tell you that the reason for this from him "?????" was because now YOUR words were NOT lining up with YOUR actions. You walked away - then returned full force what...a day later LOL ;-)

"explained to him that his actions next lined up with his words and that was the reasoning for my irrational response"

Don't explain yourself. If YOU do that FOR HIM - how is HE ever going to go through the thought process (worry, anxiety, wonder, reflection) necessary to figure that out for himself. Doing that defeats the entire purpose of no contact dear. THINKING FOR HIM and explaining yourself without HIM having to do that FOR HIMSELF defeats the purpose.

"I was asleep and didn't answer until the next day with "To see whether we can work this out"

Why are you walking away and saying one thing (that you're leaving), and then turning around the next day, contacting him again, thinking for him, explaining yourself to him - and then signaling you want to work this out? YOUR words are now not aligning with YOUR actions dear LOL.

SILENCE - it's all about silence. When you over-explain yourself, and say one thing and do another, he's not going to take you seriously (just like you didn't take him seriously when he did that).

"I sent him a funny picture trying to make things light"

Aren't you trying to take a stand here for yourself and show him you mean business? Somehow...this degraded quickly into YOU do, do, doing for him in only a matter of days, and then making light of YOUR OWN position. Are you serious about walking away, or are you bluffing him. Because if you're bluffing him, he's going to label you crazy with all this "walk away, then send a funny pic and make a joke of it" behavior and he'll see through it LOL.

"I think I need to imply 30 days of No Contact..."

That means no contact and NO RESPONSE for a full 30 days chickie LOL ;-) That means ignoring him, not engaging him in battle, not contacting him to explain yourself, not answering his questions - that means complete and total silence...; July 14, 2014 at 6:05 PM
Anonymous said...: Got it!!! Thanks for the push, that's exactly what I needed to hear (faults on his side AND MINE). I will repost on Aug 15 with what transpires for anyone reading this thread and who's on the fence of going No Contact....

Stay Tuned,
CW w/ CM; July 14, 2014 at 7:02 PM
Tiff720 said...: Hi MOA-

Another question (Tiff720)... so I've decided to stay at home this week. Last night I got off of work late, but didn't hear from my guy all day. When I got home and settled in for about an hour or two, I decided to give him a call since we both work different shifts and plus he wasn't feeling too well when I had left his house that morning. when I called him, he says that he was going to call me but he got distracted blah blah blah... So I give him that knowing that he works in a mfg facility and can be busy and interrupted consistently. He calls me back a couple of hours later, but by this time I was in the bed. I answered the call, we talked for a little then I told him that i'm tired so I'll talk to him later. He goes on to say "you'll call me in the morning?"... well it's morning and I didn't call him. I don't feel that I should call. I think he should call me. He knows that I'm very busy at work and have very little time to talk to him, but a nice text message or a vmail will be good, right.

So my question, should I had call him yesterday to see how he was doing knowing that he wasn't feeling to well earlier that day (he hadn't call me)? Should I call him this morning or let him call me? How can I create a little tension so he'll know to pick up and call?; July 15, 2014 at 8:18 AM
Rony said...: Hello Mirror. I dated that guy 6 years ago. We split because I went to study abroad for a few months. He was young and immature at that time so really scared of LDR, but gentleman and very honest. Anyway when I got back in the country we met up. I thought we could start from scratch but I realised he was a different guy - working in finance had changed him and he was taking drugs. He was so aggressive, lying etc. I understood that it was not right timing. But he tried to introduce that 'friends with benefits' thing between us and he eventually managed to get it from me with emotional blackmail. Soon I decided to forget about him and everything and I moved country. In the meantime I heard that he moved to another continent. We were not in touch for two years. Then one day I got a message from him and we talked on the phone. He apologised for his past behaviour and put the blame on drug and alcohol during his banker life. He was in the UK for a few days before going back to America and asked me to come over to catch up. He offered to put me up, which I accepted ( I know... Silly!) Usually I'm very rational, but for once in my life I decided to be crazy and act on impulse. Anyway first day in the UK was ok. He was a bit busy with his business (he had warned me beforehand) and I occupied myself with my friends. In the evening we caught up and talked for hours. He let me his room. So everything went on ok. On the second day we ended up spending the night together, and the following day he acted weird. He stopped talking to me, he avoided eye contact. I guess he didn't want anything serious, right? So I tried to talk to him, to explain that it was a mistake that occurred on the moment but that I wasn't expecting anything from him and that we shouldn't do it again. He just answered 'ok'. I tried to act normal, like on the first day. I kept me busy. But he was still very weird. When he got back in the evening he was so pissed to see me. He literally scolded me for a small thing I did. And at some point I only touched his shoulder - a gesture that any friend would do, nothing romantic, but he jumped back and pushed my hand. He's the type of guy who gives hugs and stuff to his friends (males and female). So why not me?? After another argument, and him making me wait in front of his door for 2 hours in the middle of he night, I packed my stuff and went to stay in a hotel room. He called me 30min later to ask whether I was ok and why I had left??!! He didn't understand the explanation. He tried to put the blame on me. Then as I was telling him facts about his behavior, He became mad. A week later, he messaged me. I didn't answer as there wasn't any apology. He went back to America, and 6 months later as he was in the UK, he messaged me again. I was busy, and I wasn't sure I wanted to see him again, so I declined the coffee invite. It's been 1 year of no contact, I have been happy in my life.
However these days I started thinking of him again. Yes he only contacted me when he was around in Europe which is a red flag. But at the same time I don't think he really wanted the sex to happen last time we met. I mean he could have easily took advantage of the situation: have the sex for a week and fly out to America. Plus I don't know why our story stopped - I've never had proper closure. And he refuses the discussion. I just wish we could talk and I could understand why he suddenly changed. Mirror do you understand this guy? I'll be in the UK soon, shall I just check whether he is around? I feel like reminding him that I'm still here, because he's very complex. Before we started dating 6 years ago, I had to send him some messages to remember I existed, and then he called me. The same happened with his ex with whom he stayed 3 years, she had to send him some stupid wallposts on fb, and then he called her and asked her on a date. He's strange.; July 15, 2014 at 4:11 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jul 13,7:53 PM,
"was wondering whether you think it would be a bad idea to ask if he'll be there as well. What do you think?"

I probably wouldn't do that, but it's a personal decision dear. If you think you can resist sexual advances, charming sweet talk, and stand your ground with him - then you may be strong enough to do so. However, if you still waver on those issues at the thought of him, then I think it's best not to stir things up again...or you could find yourself being boiled in the pot all over again when it's all said and done LOL ;-); July 15, 2014 at 5:36 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jul 13, 11:37 PM,
"What's the difference between love and attachment?"

A lot of difference, but the biggest one is that love is an emotion...attachment is a personality disorder of sorts. One is an emotional state of being (love), the other is a mental state of being (attachment). Attachment stems from negativity, such as low self esteem, low confidence, fear of being alone. Love stems from positive emotions (not from "lack" or "need").

Dr. Wendy Walsh touches on attachment disorder in this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs5KpdlA_L8

Many attachment disorders begin in childhood, are triggered by instability, and result in an inability to ultimately form healthy relationships and instead...trying to be a people pleaser all the time. In children, symptoms are overly affectionate even with strangers, avoiding parental cuddliness, inappropriately demanding or clinging.

Social symptoms include being superficially engaging and charming (i.e. not being your true self, but trying to please others all the time instead), uncomfortable with eye contact, engages in drama or non-sense chatter as opposed to genuine conversation, fights for control over everything (i.e. relationships, others, situations around them, etc.) while many exhibit lack of control and impulsive behavior themselves.

"excessive criticism of others, argumentative behavior, and provoking anger in others. Those who have an intense need for relationships, may be possessive, jealous, and have a heavy dependence on their partners....a person who has an overwhelming desire for a relationship may be using attachments as a way to counter insecurity. Many of these individuals risk losing their partners as a result of their constant demands for closeness...

There are four distinctive attachment styles: secure, fearful-avoidant, dismissive-avoidant, and anxious-preoccupied. Two of these styles — fearful-avoidant and anxious-preoccupied — are considered an attachment disorder... Those who are anxious-preoccupied demand constant reassurances from their partners, are unwilling to allow their partners any personal space, and may continually question their partners' fidelity."

Love does not involve fear or anxiety and a need to control the speed of the relationship or the individuals in it...love is ACCEPTANCE. When your need or desire for someone stems from fear, a desire to control them, anxiousness and worry...it's more than likely stemming from an attachment disorder.

I'm no professional dear, but any desire to be with someone that stems from "lack" or from feeling "without" - is probably not love - and is most likely an empty attachment space simply looking to be filled.; July 15, 2014 at 5:59 PM

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