"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

Dating: When, Why, How, To Use No Contact

There are many dating rules out there, but it’s the tried and true ones, the old fashioned traditional ways of doing things, that really do work, which is why certain rules have held true and lasted over the years.

One of those rules happens to be the No Contact Rule. In this handy little guide, I’m going to explain to you the how, when and why’s of this rule: how to use no contact, when to use no contact and why to use no contact when dating. Because this handy little dating rule serves more than just one purpose and has more than just one use.

I’m going to be speaking to the ladies here, but men, this applies to you as well. But I don’t have to tell you that. You guys are well versed in this dating rule and put it to use regularly. But for those men who may not be familiar with it, read on.

When And Why To Use The No Contact Rule When Dating


When A Man Suddenly Disappears On You

No Contact is a handy little trick to attempt to lure someone back to you – by disappearing on THEM. As most women already know, powerful attraction builds for a man that suddenly, and without warning, disappears. Why? Because you begin to think about them constantly.

Where did he go? Is there someone else? Why did he disappear? It doesn’t matter if all the thinking taking place is actually negative in nature, it only matters that all that thinking is actually taking place.


Why?

Because when someone thinks about you constantly, it actually creates intense attraction for them. Playing hard to get works, ladies, which is why it’s another one of those good ole’ fashioned rules that’s stuck around. Psychologically, people tend to want what they can’t have. It’s called the Law of Scarcity and it works in economics and in relationships.

It’s a scientific fact – uncertainty heightens romantic attraction. So if you’re worried he’ll think you’re not interested and then be gone for good, don’t bother thinking that. That’s just your insecurities talking, that’s just you thinking you’re not good enough. But YOU ARE good enough. Have faith in yourself that you’re worth it – and that he thinks you are, too. Don’t sell yourself short because how you perceive yourself – is how others will perceive you as well.

You see, when he’s uncertain as to whether or not you really like him, it’s actually a good thing. It keeps him interested. It keeps him coming around. It makes him want to win you over. It makes him work harder at the relationship. All those things it does to you when it happens to you – it does to him as well.

When a man disappears on you and you worry that he may be gone for good - when he resurfaces suddenly, do you kick him to the curb? Nope. Well, it works the same for men, gals. When you disappear on them suddenly and without warning and then you resurface out of nowhere, they’re unlikely to kick you to the curb. Rather, nine times out of ten, the individual is thrilled you’ve returned.

Men know this, ladies. They use this dating rule regularly – on YOU.

When You Want Your Ex Back

This handy dandy little dating rule can also be used to lure an ex back into your tangled web. If you’ve overwhelmed your ex with neediness, emotional displays, tons of questions about his feelings for you, anger and frustration and, as a result, he dumped you and now you want him back - employ the rule of no contact immediately. Why? To make him think he was wrong about you - and to make him miss you.

Why?

Because men are human too, ladies. They miss people and they’ll miss you when you suddenly disappear and they’re ringing your phone and texting you and you’re not answering or responding to them. That’s when the roles gets reversed and now THEY’RE thinking about YOU constantly. And all that thinking, negative or not, is actually going to create an intense attraction for you. The point is to stay away so long that the man actually begins to “long” for you.

Men equate “longing” for someone with love, ladies.

To Get Over A Man

Yep, the no contact rule is truly a handy dandy little rule with lots of uses. And the last use is to help you get over a bad breakup with a man – to help you emotionally detach from him. Why do you want to detach from him? So you can move on, think about him less, and allow room to meet other men and cease the unhealthy obsessive thought patterns and embarrassing behavior that ultimately, only makes you feel worse about yourself and helpless.

Why?

You see, when you desperately hang on, when you remain in communication with an ex, you’re doing yourself a big injustice. You’ll never get over him if you’re still communicating with him. So do yourself a big ole’ favor here and stop doing that, right now.

If you want the pain to go away, ladies – you have to make HIM go away, because he IS your pain.

How To Use The No Contact Rule When Dating


When A Man Suddenly Disappears On You OR When You Want Your Ex Back

Generally, the no contact rule is a 30 day rule. How to do this is, when a guy suddenly disappears on you without warning or breaks up with you and you want him to notice you again, you get his attention by suddenly disappearing on HIM – you make him experience the consequences.

It’s what’s best for him and you. That’s how you learn lessons in life, that’s how you learn not to repeat your mistakes and that’s how you experience personal growth and develop coping skills. And yes, they call them “growing pains” for a reason – they hurt. So expect it to hurt and brace yourself for a wonderful period of self-awareness and personal growth.

You disappear for 30 days. You do not take his calls. You do not respond to his texts. You do not communicate with him via social media. You do not communicate or respond at all, period, for 30 days. You stay gone and all he hears are crickets chirping in the dead of night.

After not hearing from you or receiving a response from you for 30 days, he'll begin to think this . . watch the video below, a song called "Madness" by Muse, and pay close attention to what this man is doing in these lyrics here - he's THINKING - about the WOMAN, and what HE did WRONG and how he's now READY to face the fact that he needs to LOVE:


Some woman most likely pulled "no contact" on his ass there.

So then, after a 30 day time period (30 days from the time you decided to use the no contact rule) and lots of time for him to think, you suddenly and without warning – resurface. And you do so by either:

1.) Finally responding to a question from one of his last communications (if he’s asked one)

2.) Simply saying, “Hello, how are you?”

And when communication is reinstated – you keep it short and sweet. You don’t share your emotions, you don’t cry, you don’t text back and forth like lightening for 5 hours and you don’t have long, drawn out 3 hour telephone conversations in an attempt to hash things out. You play it cool. You’re busy, you’re independent, you’re confident and you have a life. You “check in” is all. You make small talk and nothing more.

And from that point forward, you play it cool. You take an hour or so to respond to texts. You return calls a day or so later. You don’t accept last minute date requests, he has to make plans with you 3 days in advance or – you’ve already made plans (even if you haven’t, you pretend as if you have – remember, you have a life and you want to give him the impression that you’re busy, healthy and others desire your time as well). This is how you set healthy boundaries, earn respect and get him to treat you with fairness and kindness.

If he’s started out after the no contact period correctly but then suddenly relapses into bad behavior again, then you employ “behavioral mirroring” with him. If he disappears on you for 3 days, you don’t respond for 3 days. If he takes 24 hours to answer a text, you take 24 hours to respond. If he says he’ll call and he doesn’t, when he does, you don’t answer it and you respond to it 3 to 5 days later. And if he really begins misbehaving and taking you for granted again – you employ the no contact rule all over again for 30 days. This is how you create fairness and balance in a relationship and how you hold your own and you don’t get plowed over again.

This is how you earn a man’s respect, ladies. If you’re a pushover, then that’s exactly what he’s going to do to you – push you over.

When You Need To Get Over A Man Or A Breakup

Breakups hurt, rejection hurts. And most times, they hurt women more than men because of all the emotions women are capable of having that men are not. Men don’t analyze things or beat themselves up. Men PROJECT their emotions – outward and onto others. Women ABSORB their emotions – and beat themselves up.

If you want the pain to go away, you need to walk through those emotions and accept the reality. The only way to get rid of the pain is to feel the pain, to work through it and to learn to cope with your emotions in a healthy manner. To make that process much easier for yourself, you employ the no contact rule.

You do not, under any circumstances, communicate with the man. If you do, you’ll have to experience the consequences of your OWN decisions here – you’ll experience pain again, because you’ve permitted it. So you ignore his calls, you don’t respond to his texts, you remove him from any of your social media profiles and you put the past in the past.

If you remain in contact with your ex, you’ll never heal and you’ll continue to experience the hurt. You must cease contact for your own good. If you want the pain to go away, get rid of the pain – he IS your pain - and you need to get rid of him.

This will help you to think of him less and less as the days go on. You will begin to detach from him and from all of the negative emotions and damaging thought processes. You will no longer feel the intense desire to cling to him or to reach out to him. You will begin to feel better about yourself and you will begin to make room in your life for a new man – one that treats you with respect and kindness.

Using the no contact rule to get over a man - helps you to actually get over him.

And there you have it, a handy dandy little guide to employing the no contact rule properly when dating. There are many times in life ladies, that you must learn to say “no” and actually take responsibility for your own happiness and stop blaming the man when it’s actually YOU permitting this unhappiness. If you want things to change – then YOU have to change. You have to learn to be happy, with or without a man, and you need to stop living under the false impression that you need a man to make you happy.

Your happiness doesn’t come from a man, it comes from within yourself - and you radiate it, like warm sunshine.

So get comfortable with the phrases below:

“No, I won’t tolerate this.”

“No, this is unacceptable.”

“No, I won’t permit you to treat me like this”

“No, I will not be available to you when you treat me with disrespect and take me for granted.”

It’s Simple Gals


If you don’t look out for yourself and treat yourself with respect, then why would anyone else? Men want sex. Women want romance. So the best (and only) way for a man to have sex with you – is to romance you. Period, case closed. It’s a tradeoff, and a fair and equal one at that.

So make them do that, ladies: No romance = no sex. It’s simple.

Learn to say “no” and set healthy boundaries in your relationships and you will actually find that you will begin to feel empowered. You will develop a healthy self-esteem. You will feel confident. You will signal to men that you need to be treated with respect. You will grow dignity. You will find that you worry less and less about impressing a man – and you become more and more focused on a man impressing YOU (romancing you).

You have something he wants (sex): Make him work for it (romance).

Do that and you will be happy. You will be treated with respect and kindness. Give it away for free and you’ll be taken for granted by a man who never wants to lift a finger for you or impress you or give you what you need (romance).

This is not game playing, ladies. This is setting healthy boundaries for yourself, looking out for yourself and earning respect for yourself – and making a man treat you with such.

And here’s the harsh reality, ladies. Recent studies have shown that the modern day woman kisses approximately 75 frogs before finding her Prince Charming. So realize that when you stand your ground and demand respect, lazy men, users, and players seeking sex for free will walk away from you. But that’s a good thing because you’re weeding your way through the worthless ones that would’ve only hurt you anyway.

So if 74 frogs leap away from you – realize that the 75th is on his way to you.

It’s the good ole’ fashioned way of doing things. Back in the day, they called it courting. Try it, it works.

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2504 Comments:

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The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jul 13, 11:37 PM,
"What's the difference between love and attachment?"

A lot of difference, but the biggest one is that love is an emotion...attachment is a personality disorder of sorts. One is an emotional state of being (love), the other is a mental state of being (attachment). Attachment stems from negativity, such as low self esteem, low confidence, fear of being alone. Love stems from positive emotions (not from "lack" or "need").

Dr. Wendy Walsh touches on attachment disorder in this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs5KpdlA_L8

Many attachment disorders begin in childhood, are triggered by instability, and result in an inability to ultimately form healthy relationships and instead...trying to be a people pleaser all the time. In children, symptoms are overly affectionate even with strangers, avoiding parental cuddliness, inappropriately demanding or clinging.

Social symptoms include being superficially engaging and charming (i.e. not being your true self, but trying to please others all the time instead), uncomfortable with eye contact, engages in drama or non-sense chatter as opposed to genuine conversation, fights for control over everything (i.e. relationships, others, situations around them, etc.) while many exhibit lack of control and impulsive behavior themselves.

"excessive criticism of others, argumentative behavior, and provoking anger in others. Those who have an intense need for relationships, may be possessive, jealous, and have a heavy dependence on their partners....a person who has an overwhelming desire for a relationship may be using attachments as a way to counter insecurity. Many of these individuals risk losing their partners as a result of their constant demands for closeness...

There are four distinctive attachment styles: secure, fearful-avoidant, dismissive-avoidant, and anxious-preoccupied. Two of these styles — fearful-avoidant and anxious-preoccupied — are considered an attachment disorder... Those who are anxious-preoccupied demand constant reassurances from their partners, are unwilling to allow their partners any personal space, and may continually question their partners' fidelity."

Love does not involve fear or anxiety and a need to control the speed of the relationship or the individuals in it...love is ACCEPTANCE. When your need or desire for someone stems from fear, a desire to control them, anxiousness and worry...it's more than likely stemming from an attachment disorder.

I'm no professional dear, but any desire to be with someone that stems from "lack" or from feeling "without" - is probably not love - and is most likely an empty attachment space simply looking to be filled.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Tiff720,
"Should I call him this morning or let him call me?"

Let him call you.

"How can I create a little tension so he'll know to pick up and call?"

By not calling him. He'll eventually wonder where you're at and he'll pick up the phone and call. If he doesn't, then that's his loss. Any grown man would know what to do about it - if he cared and was truly genuinely interested.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Rony,
"Mirror do you understand this guy?"

Well, my gut is telling me that his past drug problems aren't really in his past. He's isolated emotionally, cut off from physical intimacy, suffers mood swings, cannot understand rational things (like why waiting 2 hours to get inside his room is upsetting and disrespectful)...that's how drug addicts act. And if he isn't currently using, chances are then that he never got help to recover from the emotional damage done by his prior usage, or the emotional issues that caused him to use in the first place. Because while things like work do compel people to self-medicate....nine times out of ten, there's a bigger issue in their life that's really driving that, and if they never solve it, talk about it, address it or receive help to work it out....they act the same emotionally.

"I'll be in the UK soon, shall I just check whether he is around?"

I wouldn't waste my time or give him the satisfaction - unless you're seeking a casual hookup of some sort from it. If you can handle that emotionally, then you can proceed. But if not, I wouldn't willingly place myself into that situation.

"I feel like reminding him that I'm still here, because he's very complex."

He's not complex...he's messed up emotionally. And you don't wanna' remind him you're there because he's complex, you wanna' remind him you're there because you're seeking validation from him based on him leaving your last encounter the way it was.

You don't need his validation to carry on with your life dear. You don't need his approval or his acceptance :-)

"Before we started dating 6 years ago, I had to send him some messages to remember I existed, and then he called me."

Yea...and you see what happens when women pursue men? The men sleep with them first - and then eventually pull away and/or disappear altogether. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results. If you want to hookup with him, contact him. But realize that's all that's going to come of that contact. Realize that doing the same thing - won't yield you a different result. It will produce the SAME result - he'll probably see you, sleep with you, pull back, then disappear.

"The same happened with his ex with whom he stayed 3 years, she had to send him some stupid wallposts on fb, and then he called her and asked her on a date. He's strange.'

He's not strange, he's effed up, which is why he found himself suffering from addiction. And why would you desire to be with a "strange" man anyway, ya' know? For more whack-ness and strange, bizarre behavior that leaves you with lingering questions for months after seeing him? Doesn't seem worth it.

Is he with this other woman that pursued him and "reminded" him she was there? Nope. Is he with you who pursued him and reminded him 6 years earlier that you were still there? Nope. Does he even want a relationship? Nope, "he tried to introduce that 'friends with benefits' thing between us."

Again, doing the same thing - will NOT yield different results. Contacting him will most likely land you a hookup with him - but that's it. If you can handle that emotionally and you don't think that for months after you will obsess mentally over the many lingering questions he's left you with and you don't think you'll struggle for months trying to ferret out explanations for more of his strange behavior...then feel free to proceed. But if this hookup will do more damage than good - it's not worth it.

Anonymous said...

This alpha male I had been dating, 4 dates, had invitied me over to his home to cook for me for the last date, he initiated everything, phone calls, texts, plans, of course paid for everything. I had just dealth with a guy where I did everything wrong and I refused to do it again, so even though I sort of liked the guy and he said nice things, I kept the cookies in the jar because ultimately I wasn't impressed enough with the prospect of something longterm. I allowed him to kiss me for the first time on the forth date and that was it. I went home reviewing our interactions and realizing that he was a pretty good guy and maybe I do like him...lol...low and behold, the universe must have whispered that shit (excusemyAmerican) into his ear, because his communication went flaky. So I was like, I know what the brush off looks like, ive done it and have had it done to me, but this time I made no effort to see what the issue was...well maybe about 4 days later his best friend calls saying he's been in a terrible accident, falling 30+ feet onto concrete at a contruction job he had been working at. He went into a coma for a few days, now ladies, that is never the case, generally they are just ignoring you and not hurt, this was a fluke...I wanted to initially go to the hospital, but I was so confused, what if he had someone else, or he was actually done with seeing me...I didn't want to show up and meet his family as if I belonged there. his ex-wife and son was there, the whole gambit. and it didn't help that right before this he told me his family didn't believe in interracial dating. I felt they would make me feel as though it was 1950 again, lol, I didn't know what to expect. but I faced it, and went back when he came out of the coma and that was it. I texted periodically to check on his condition and eventually he began to recover fully, miraculously. I fed him as he couldn't use his arms and hands, I cut his hair, I shaved his face, etc. and when he became very alert, all he wanted to do was have me there at the hospital every day. I complied, mostly because he was hurt. like I said, I still wasn't sure of his intentions for me, but i was there as a friend. I never like being that available for men. and eventually it happened, all of a sudden he was telling me sorry I couldn't visit one day because he has physical therapy all day. First of all negro (lol, white guy, but still applies) those visits were for YOU not me, I was there for YOU, not me! Well ladies, that's enough for me. It doesn’t take much for me to cut them the hell off these days and even one in the hospital. He's fine, no worries. Bones are healing at this point. My time is very valuable and I didn't always say this out of compassion for the situation. but the minute he rejected a visit and didn't come up with a solution to do it the next day or so on...screw him...lol I started no contact at that moment. he is healthy and almost whole, not a baby and knows who he wants to see and doesn't and I became a "doesn't" and likely because of being too nice and him having too much access to me. You mean to tell me that your dating card was so short that your best friend called ME to see you after we had only been on four dates and now you're too busy inside the damn hospital. Lol Men! Maybe I secretly expected gratitude for being the only female to give a damn. but that doesn't work on alpha males, they will run over you and unfortunately I love alphas so I have to pay close attention to how much power I’m allowing them to have. He's cut off, for now and really, I don't know how much I even like this guy, and yesterday it got the best of me because I felt rejected, but I’m over it today. I know what type of language men like that understand, ACTION! You have to keep them on their toes forever, to have the type of interaction with a man you want. I'll wait! Weed them out early.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Wed, Jul 16, 10:27 AM,
Umm....I don't mean to laugh as this was a serious situation, but seen as how he's fine and all is well - BAHAHA!! Omg, are you kidding me?

"his communication went flaky...his best friend calls saying he's been in a terrible accident, falling 30+ feet onto concrete at a construction job he had been working at. He went into a coma for a few days"

Again, let me clarify that I'm glad he's okay, even if he's a jerk, we wish him no ill will...but seriously...this has GOT to be the BEST no contact story on this site LOL!

"You mean to tell me that your dating card was so short that your best friend called ME to see you after we had only been on four dates and now you're too busy inside the damn hospital. Lol Men!"

You win - this IS by far THE best no contact story on this entire site LOL!!

I'm glad all is well and I'm glad that you handled it maturely as well...even if he was a jerk in the end ;-)

Rony said...

Hi Mirror, you replied July 16, 8:35am. Thanks so much for your long reply. It feels good to hear something rational, something that makes sense. Clearly I don't want to hook up with him. The sex thing happened twice when he was high and manipulated me (I didn't know he was on drugs at that time). I think the reason why I was tempted to contact him was because he changed a lot and I wanted to help him UNTIL NOW (until your message). 6 years ago he was so respectful, we didn't have sex first. He waited, he took the time to know me. He worked in finance like crazy but still was taking the time to text me at 3am when he got ooo. We split because he was 20 and was freaking out about LDR, which I can understand. But when I got back, he became so aggressive and disrespectful, asking me for sex outside of relationship. I didn't recognize him, he was (and still is) like another person. I could feel there was something wrong. I learned about he drugs recently. Your explanation actually makes a lot of sense to me: maybe he's still using this crap or he's still emotionally damaged. And you're right: work was probably not the main reason why he started doing drugs. I know he had huge problems with his dad who used to scold him all the time and be very controlling. He never received any recognition from his dad. So that might explain the addiction.
I guess you never stop caring for someone you once loved but I'm not a therapist. Trying to help him to recover from this emotional damage will hurt me more. I can only hope that he realizes that something is wrong and seeks for professional support. I HAVE to read your message each time I feel tempted to contact him to check if he's ok.

Anonymous said...

I take that title with gratitude...lol I usually never share but this was recent and one of the most interesting things I have ever been through...im glad I could make you chuckle... ;-)

Tiff720 said...

Hi MOA...

It's me again (Tiff720).... So this past Sunday, my guy and I agreed that I'll be staying at my place this week. I asked if he'll be staying this week at my place. He said "maybe" he'll stay Wednesday, but wasn't sure because he had to go into work early, doctor's appointment and etc. Well last night while we were talking, he was implying that I should come to his house. I have my own set of keys to his place so I can come and go as I please. (Though it felt so good that he came to my house and we cuddled for a short time before it was time for me to go to work. We haven't seen each other in 3 days so it was kindof tough not being in his presence but at the same time it felt good to have had the distance because our cuddle session ment so much more.) I told him that that was not what we had agreed. He said well I know his obligations. So I did, but I feel that if he really wanted to see me, he could. Why should I have to inconvient myself? I have been staying at his place alot until I had realized that hey why am I paying rent in a place I'm rarely at. He's planning for our future. It already feels like I'm cohabitating (we're) cohabitating but I'm not ready to move in just yet. Not until I get a ring to ensure that we're heading towards marriage like he keeps implying. I have not or do not put any pressure or mention anything about marriage. He's always mentioning it. So I'll play a little coy and go along. Yes, I love this man and so does he, but after speaking to my father about the situation last night. He told me to stick to my guns and stay home. Make him come to me. I told him that we'll see each other this weekend (it's my bday). He wants me to come over tonight, but I'm not sure because I have an appointment that's near my house so it mays no sense for me to be at least 30-45 mins away when I'm less than 10 mins away. What do you think? What should I say? Well, this morning he didn't make it my way. Instead I see a text that said, "when R U leaving to come by tonight". I didn't respond. I think I may have fell asleep because I was so super tired. I mean while we were talking on the phone, I kept yawning uncontrollably. I think he was trying to test me, but not sure.

Next week we agreed that he'll stay at my place and especially since I'll be on vacation.....

This may sound like it is all over the place, but what are your thoughts? What do you think I should do?

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
I truly love your site and read it every day. It really helps with our situations. My disappearing man came back after months and I did ignore his first attempt at contact. He contacted me again wanting to chat, so we went to dinner and talked. I told him I didn't deserve to be treated the way he was treating me and he did apologize. He said that he was trying to get himself where he could have a relationship with me. I told him that I didn't want to wait 2, 3, or 4 weeks until I see the guy that I am dating (because that is what would happen in the past). He asked me to go out of town with him, which I did. We went to the movies last week, but I could tell something was off. He wasn't too chatty and we ended the date early. He text the next day asking how my day was, but I asked him a question and he took a long time to respond. I just got a new job. He asked if I got the position and I said yes. His response was just "Yeah!!". I guess I was thinking maybe he would say congrats and let's go celebrate. I didn't respond to it because I didn't think it deserved a response. Also, that reply came 6 hours later and he also said he thought he already sent that text. This was last Thursday and it is now Monday and I haven't heard a word from him. I know his kids came (he has 5) and he has them all week. He said the night of the movies that his kids were coming for 10 days and he didn't want to go 10 days without seeing me, but he has made no attempt to get together. We said that night that we would have to figure it out, but I think he has gone into disappearing mode again for like the 5th time. Also, he is leaving to go out of town Wednesday through Sunday with his kids, so by the time he gets back it will be 2 weeks since I have seen him. That is assuming that he asks me to do something next week. I feel like I should go back to ignoring him again and not get together if he does ask to see me next week. Just because I said I didn't want to wait that long to see him. I was out walking today and he drove past me, but I pretended I didn't see him because I do think he is disappearing again. It is so frustrating! What are your thoughts about how I should handle his next contact? Thanks so much

Anonymous said...

Just broken up with a guy of 2.5 years since he said we had personality differences. After a few weeks post-breakup we went on a cruise vacation as friends since it was already all paid for. I told him I won't talk to him after that. He didn't seem to understand why. I really want him back... But does this no contact rule still work if he knew I won't talk to him in the first place?

Anonymous said...

@Mirror ... Just want to say what a breath of fresh air it is to of found this article. I'm in a bit of a dilemma and wanted to obtain your thoughts and opinions.

Basically I met this guy online about a month or so and we clicked straight away. We've been hanging out now and then, he would call me up all the time on his lunch break, we even stayed at each others houses (no sex) but a lot of affection. He was saying all the right things as guys do like he misses me or needs to see me etc. But I don't really listen much to mens words.

So recently after spending a night together (no sex)... In the morning he made me tea and kissed me then went to work. I texted him a day later just to check in... but didn't get a reply 2 days later asking how my weekend was. I replied and got a reply a day later. Then his last message was he was at the hospital and fractured his leg but wish he was in bed with me. I replied and asked if this happened over the weekend and I hope its not too serious but never got a response. It's been over a week but have noticed he's been on his dating profile a few times.

So here's my dilemma, his birthday is in a couple days and just wanted to know whether you think I should message him?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jul 22, 12:45 AM,
"What are your thoughts about how I should handle his next contact?"

I'd ignore him dear - particularly when he didn't stop you to speak with you or say hello when he had the chance, "I was out walking today and he drove past me." That's extremely rude, whether you saw him or not. If I was dating someone and I saw them walking, I'd pull over and say hello or roll down the window and say a few words or even phone them after driving past if traffic didn't permit me to stop. The fact that he did nothing - is not impressive.

He's acting like a really lazy man - if it were me, I'd ignore him for a good while and honestly, I'm not real sure I'd ever even see him again. I mean - after 5 times of the same crap over and over and over again, it's clear this man isn't going to change, nor is the situation. You either have to accept things as they are, or choose to walk away for good to find a man that will make you happy - because this one is who he is and he clearly isn't changing :-(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jul 24, 2:07 AM,
"his birthday is in a couple days and just wanted to know whether you think I should message him?"

Umm...you're reading an article about no contact dear, and then you're asking if I think you should contact him LOL - that'd be a big ole N-O :-)

If you want to reward him (with your attention) for treating you poorly and ignoring you, then contact him. If you want to signal that this type of treatment is unacceptable to you - then don't contact him.

Anonymous said...

Hey Mirror! Do you ever find it fishy when a recent ex REALLY wants to be friends with you? I went NC after I broke up with my ex and asked for space. This is our second breakup. Within 3 weeks, he's already contacted me twice, the second time asking me if we could spend time together "but only in public spaces", if we could go on excursions together because I'd be "the perfect person to do them with" and that he really wants to be my friend...that sounds like what you do when you first start seeing someone, no?? To me, this reeks of him trying to make his transition easier and know what's going on in my life. And also that maybe we could fall into FWB again, or that it would be easier to hook me back if he realizes he made a mistake in breaking up with me so he could have new experiences. I'd like to be his friend eventually once we've both gotten over it but not now, I still kind of miss him and would want to date him again. So should I even bother acknowledging and responding to his message? Because technically he's disrespected my need for space, and I don't want to fall into the dreaded friend-zone. What are your thoughts on a recent ex trying to befriend you during NC, and if you maybe want him back, should you be friends?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jul 26, 11:59 AM,
"Do you ever find it fishy when a recent ex REALLY wants to be friends with you?"

Yep.

"I still kind of miss him and would want to date him again. So should I even bother acknowledging and responding to his message?"

Not unless you want to date him, because chances are he's hoping for this "we could fall into FWB again."

"What are your thoughts on a recent ex trying to befriend you during NC"

Generally, it's usually because they want things to return to the way they were. In this case, most likely he's shooting for FWB again.

"If you maybe want him back, should you be friends?"

If your goal is to start seeing him again and be FWB, then yes. If your goal is to try to have a relationship, then I'd say no, it's best to stick to the 30 days NC. Because if you give in easily, he'll see you as easily manipulated - and that's exactly what he'll begin to do - manipulate you.

Berry by the sea said...

This is a very awesome page. :) I have spent 8 hours now reading here. lol Anyways, here's my concern. I will try to make it short and simple. lol

I have this online relationship with a guy of 33 and I am 27. We started so great on the first four months and he treated me as a princess and I made sure that I treat him very well especially on his bad days, I am always there for him. However things have changed after 8 months. He suddenly doesn't text me much and he doesn't have "time" for Skype. Well he always have "good excuses" suddenly and I would accept it however it's getting worst and worst and I become a drama queen in front of him begging for his "free time" to be mine. But he said he has no free time for now. He did not contact me for 2 days and then he popped back up like nothing happened and I was mad at him and he was confused why I am mad. WELL OF COURSE?? HELLO? and then he gave me sweet words. Stupid me, I believe and then off he goes again. He said he will be spending time with his family but really now? more than a day of not contacting me? So I finally had enough and did not reply to him after a day. Now he sent me message saying" baby I really need you in my life, I was just really busy these past few days. I love you and I cannot afford to lose you". Well in my own perception because I AM A BUSY PERSON TOO, I think when you love a person, you will always find time for him whether it's 5 minutes or 4 hours. So right now he just sent me that message on Skype and I hid my status OFFLINE which he though I logged out. And so he sent me a message on Facebook, I read it and of course he will know it because it has a "seen" below it. So I am confused now.. Is he really just busy and it's better for me to reply to his message? Or should I go with the NC rule to give him a lesson? I am so afraid to do NC because I might lose him and we have all our tickets book for our first meetup. I'm thinking that maybe it's way better in real so we need to keep holding on each other for now and give it a chance for us to see in real. :'(

And sorry, I thought it's going to be short. :D Thanks Mirror

-Berry

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Berry,
"Is he really just busy and it's better for me to reply to his message? Or should I go with the NC rule to give him a lesson?"

Well I certainly wouldn't jump on his calls/texts. When a man does this to you, at the very least you mirror his behavior right back to him. And to take serious action, you show him NC. But the choices is yours, it's a personal decision that you have to make for yourself.

"I am so afraid to do NC because I might lose him"

You can't lose something you don't have dear. You've never even met this man. You have absolutely no clue what he's doing during his disappearances. You don't know if he's been telling you the truth this entire time or lying, you don't know if the pictures of him you've seen are really him, you don't know if he's dating other women and doing this to more than just you, you don't know if you're even going to like him once you do meet him.

Don't fear losing something that you don't possess in the first place.

Anonymous said...

Hello,
I noticed my bf was taking days to reply to my texts. He would initiate the texts e.g. " what's up" or " how's everything" and I would reply with " nm you?" or something like that and then I wouldn't hear from him for days. I confronted him on his slow fade scheme and he would say he was busy. As a result, I got fed up with being ignored/taken for granted so I did NC with him and it has been a month and I haven't heard from him yet. Although I got rid of my phone he does have my email address and knows where to find me. I miss him a lot ( I especially miss the intimacy) and I'm thinking about him everyday but my pride won't let me break the silence.. not this time. Can you please give me some detailed advice? I honestly don't know what I did wrong.. sometimes I can be really blunt but I never intended on hurting him.

Anonymous said...

please advise*

Hi Mirror
I met a man on a dating site 3 months ago.we met 4 or 5 times before we made love.Its been 3 months now and not once has he made plans to take me anywhere or go out.He knows i have a love of Roses and asked me in a text to confirm the color '"pink" i said.. aha he replies "I thought so" but still no flowers for the woman he's having great sex with.He works away 26 days on and 9 days off and this is the first time since we met that hes actually been away (and no mention of this work arrangement when we first met). So i thought i would give him a chance to redeem himself this time back home .. and still nothing.Is this the time and situation to apply the no contact rule?. I don't feel special at all and i know it's my fault for giving in so easy to have sex with him.Time to walk away?.I feel like I'm being taken for granted and i told him "if for one minute you make me feel like this is just a sex thing,then im off) please give me some advice..
Thank you

Tiff720 said...

Hi MOA,

Since I have completed my masters degree, I am finding it a bit challenge to find things to do outside of work, church, going to the gym and also spending alot of time with my guy. I don't have any friends that lives in the state I reside. They have all relocated. My sister and I aren't really close and plus she's married and have newbie babies, so she's pretty busy. My other family members, we don't have NOTHING in common so its really hard to fit in... What would you recommend or suggest?

I'm finding it to become very boring traveling, shopping, and going to the movies alone at this age (i'm in the 30-40 range)

Anonymous said...

Mirror:

I wrote to you on June 25 and you responded on June 28, please reference that. I wanted to follow up. I tried to cut contact with my ex several times but it didn't work out so well because he won't let go. It has now been 2 months since he said he wanted space/time and within the last three weeks we have gone on a few dates. The most recent one was this past weekend and was an amazing day/night but then it went back to minimal contact. He told me it was the best first date he ever had but he still has not said anything about reconciling or even if we are dating. He keeps telling friends and family he still sees me in his future and knows we will be getting back together. He just needs time to get over our past so we can start with a clean slate. I do not initiate contact, he does. Its only a few texts a day, but its like we are in this limbo relationship, like we never broke up. He tells people who ask that we are on a "break" or a "leave of absence". He asked me last week about going on vacation with him and his girls in three weeks to a condo we normally go stay at, but yet doesn't seem too be making much effort to see me? Why would he do this? Some say maybe he is planning on reconciling? He still has all of our pics up in his office and house. last week I really started to back off even more by not answering his texts right away and he started asking if there was someone else, and was super excited about our day we had planned on Saturday, even posting something on my facebook about it, but now it seems he has gone back to blowing cold. He is going to start seeing a counselor because he says his mind changes daily. For the first month or so our conversations always ended up talking about whats happening and me asking if he wanted to try dating or working on the relationship. I know that pushed him away further because he was getting sick of having the conversation. He said he just wants things to just be for awhile and happen naturally and not forced like I tried to do with him in the past. So for about the last 2 1/2 weeks I haven't said a word and he even said to his mom that I have been quiet, but now we are kind of hanging out and I am getting to my breaking point because my feelings are so strong and he is constantly on my mind. Its been two months of this and it has greatly affected me physically and emotionally. My question is
1. Should I ask him where he stands at this point or should I finally tell him I am moving on since he has not yet felt the loss.
2. Am I too late for any of this since I allowed it to drag on for two months?
3. Could he possibly be coming back around or is he just talking advantage?

Thanks,
mpaa98

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Aug 3, 7:26 PM,
"I met a man on a dating site 3 months ago.we met 4 or 5 times before we made love.Its been 3 months now and not once has he made plans to take me anywhere or go out"

If he didn't take you out on formal dates those first 4-5 times you met...then he didn't deserve to be rewarded with sex for being lazy, ya' know? Your first few dates should always be formal dates as they set the tone for the relationship from that point on. If you settle early on for less, then they'll never get any better :-(

"no flowers for the woman he's having great sex with"

Cease having sex with him, because it's providing a "reward" to him for - doing nothing.

"I don't feel special at all and i know it's my fault for giving in so easy to have sex with him.Time to walk away?"

Yep - as I stated previously above, if you settle for less than you deserve early on, and then you reward the man with sex for his less than impressive behavior - it never gets any better than that dear. Because they think, "Hey, that was good enough the first time, so it should be good enough for the rest of the times as well." That's why it's so very important to set the boundaries from day one and to not accept date requests that aren't formal ones - because if you do - as you can see - it leads to "taken for granted" territory - QUICK :-(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Tiff720,
"What would you recommend or suggest? I'm finding it to become very boring traveling, shopping, and going to the movies alone at this age (i'm in the 30-40 range)"

Have you considered taking up a new hobby or exploring a passion you once had that you never got a chance to indulge in? You have to find something that feeds your soul dear. And unfortunately, no one can really tell you what that is - other than yourself - ya' know?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@mpaa98,
"I tried to cut contact with my ex several times but it didn't work out so well because he won't let go"

If you refuse to respond, he has no choice dear. If you truly want to cut contact, you need to let go by not responding and ignoring his contacts at all.

"Why would he do this?"

Because by seeing him, you're signaling that you're willing to "hang out" with him casually. So now, he's considering asking you to join him, casually. And that doesn't mean if you do you'll be back together. It simply means you'll be his "buddy" during the trip.

"Its been two months of this and it has greatly affected me physically and emotionally."

If this is proving painful for you - then YOU take control, and you walk away, and you don't respond to ANY of his communications. Don't worry more about him than you worry about taking care of yourself, ya' know?

"Should I ask him where he stands at this point or should I finally tell him I am moving on since he has not yet felt the loss."

Neither. Talking about this won't make it any different, it'll actually make him retreat again even further. And explaining yourself to him isn't necessary. You've already done that. You can't control him, only your reaction to him. If this is painful, then you simply cease going along with things being his way. You won't change him, but you can change your circumstances by deciding enough is enough and moving on. And if you do that, it's not necessary to explain why - he already knows why and he's choosing to do absolutely nothing about it. That's not your fault, that's his, so don't take his "stuff" on as your own and don't let his stuff interfere with your happiness. If he's not making you happy, then it's time to move on dear. If he changes his mind, he knows where to find you and he can always catch up with you later - IF you're still available.

"Am I too late for any of this since I allowed it to drag on for two months?"

It's never too late to walk away dear.

"Could he possibly be coming back around or is he just talking advantage? "

I don't think what HE is doing really matters. What's really important here is - is he MAKING YOU HAPPY? And the answer to that is no. And when a man ceases to bring enjoyment into your life and happiness, and only brings you anxiety, grief and worry - it's time to go.

You don't sit around waiting for a man to "pick" you dear. You take control of your own happiness:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html

If he wants you, he'll know where to find you - and he can come find you, once he gets it together. But YOU are NOT required to wait around for him while he's doing that.

Anonymous said...

Hello Ladies!

I just wanted to let you guys know that no contact does work, but it seems like the universe knows when you really DON'T give a shit...and that's when you really see results ;)

Example:
A guy at my job pursued me, asked for my number, and always came on my floor when I was working to essentially bother me lol. He would text me about every other day, still come to my floor and bother me, but NEVER asked me out. If he found out I had plans with someone else or did something with someone else, he'd say, "You never come out with me, that's fucked up." Uh, excuse me...that's because he never asked me out! What we have there ladies is a half interested man! Something I don't even entertain anymore after all the bullshit I've been through. So the next time he text me, I ignored him. The convo went something like this:

Tues-
Him: What's up?

NO RESPONSE

Thur-
Him: Damn your hands and phone must be broken
Him: Ok just tryna say hi

NO RESPONSE

Sat-
Him: Hey

NO RESPONSE

Mon-
Him: Hi stranger
Him: Dang you never text back
Him: I feel like a stalker
Him: I came by but you were nowhere to be found

NO RESPONSE...and he'll NEVER get a response. He's a game player and just seeking attention.

I was talking with a friend about it and they said, "How do you know he wasn't building up the courage to ask you out?" I responded by saying...if a man likes you and wants to take you out, he's gonna set a date. He's gonna lock you down for one. Period. Point blank. Courage? LOL...yea but he had the courage to blow up my phone and admit he looks like a stalker huh?...but he can't ask me out? I don't think so...

Not giving a shit, no contact for a man who deserves it, and not waiting around for a man causes so much less stress! It took my last relationship for me to FINALLY realize this. I walked thru hell with him, and I will NEVER do that to myself again. EVER.

It's an empowering feeling to know YOU control whether you want a man in your life or not, and that you can WALK AWAY when a man shows you he's nothing but bullshit.

Spaced_out said...

Hey my name is "spaced_out"
I've used the no contact rule before and it worked,
But he has disappeared on me again, and this time it hurts the most. We have been together for 3 years, and he's been depressed lately because he was forced to go overseas, I blew up on him because I was being stubborn and not realizing that he was depressed & not responding to any of my text messages! So I basically did what every girl SHOULD'NT do, was POUR MY HEART OUT, saying I was sorry, and I will always love him no matter what! and if he didn't respond I'll leave him alone forever... and he didn't respond (awkward)... So I deleted all my social networks, Basically removing myself out of his life.. well making it seem like it! I wonder when will he get over his depression and just TEXT ME BACK yah know? He's usually a sweet heart and is always there for me, We are usually ALWAYS together but when he gets all depressing, when he's in Iraq, I don't know how to deal with it :( I feel like a bitch, and I regret blowing up on him! But I will indeed try the 30 days no contact... But what if he texts me? should I ignore him? what if that makes him more depressed?? Please answer soon... NEED HELP!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Spaced_out,
"when he gets all depressing, when he's in Iraq, I don't know how to deal with it"

You need to be supportive and understanding dear, and patient. Imagine what it's like to be in his shoes, away from home and loved ones, in a foreign country, seeing horrible things...how would you feel? And what would you need from those around you in that situation?

Now is not the time to be self oriented, meaning thinking of only how this affects you and not him. If you do that, he'll pull away. Relationships are give and take and now is the time to give - not take. Now is the time to give support, understanding and encouragement - positive energy.

"But what if he texts me? should I ignore him?"

In this particular circumstance, since he's done nothing wrong, I would not ignore him. No contact is only to be used on men treating you poorly and taking you for granted. He's not doing that. He's facing something entirely different and the only reason he has pulled away is because he probably felt he wasn't getting the support he needed.

So in this instance, you do NC for yourself, not for him. Meaning, you do this to give him plenty of space and time to adjust to his own emotions and to practice self-discipline. And when he's ready to talk, be there for him and show him the support and understanding and encouragement he's seeking :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror. This guy I got back together with after being on and off for a while...I told him that I didn't want to go 2, 3, 4 weeks without seeing the person I am dating because that is what would happen in the past. He was being good for a while, but I feel like we are back at that point. He had his kids for vacation for a week, but stayed around town. He said we should get the kids together, but never set anything up. I thought he would ask to do something this following week and he did not. He doesn't have his kids all week this week. He has sent me texts here and there. Well after not hearing from him for 3 days, he sent me a text with a picture of the beach and said that he was out of town (I didn't know he was going out of town) and wished I was there. I didn't reply because I feel like he is doing his old stuff again. I know he is back in town, but it really upsets me that he has a whole week without his kids and didn't ask to see me. Why couldn't he have asked to get together this weekend since he is back and doesn't have his kids? It will now be 3 weeks since I have seen him. Should I respond to his wish you were here text from Wednesday? I was going to do what you recommended since he disappeared for 3 days, then I shouldn't respond for 3 days. But, now I almost feel I should walk away because I previously told him I didn't want to wait that long to see someone I am dating and we are at that point. It's so frustrating!!! Thank you for your help as always. It helps navigate through these waters! :)

Anonymous said...

Mirror,
I am a taurean woman and met this amazing taurean guy at work. We worked together for 6 weeks. I was actually seperated from my previous relationship.I was not on a lookout for anyone mentally. Anyway, we were initially moving as colleagues in a grp. Oneday, he asked me my cell number which i gave him as a friend. After reaching home in the evening, I texted him to see if he got my missed call .
He immediately responded saying hi and we chatted for an hour. From the beginning he wanted to know abt my relationship, whether it was actively going on and why it ended. He also shared the same abt himself. He still has a GF but she is not willing to commit yet against her parents wishes. He has got really irritated waiting for her for 6 yrs. Now he said he only wants to focus on career and progress. He had another GF after that which didnot work out. However the old one came back with emotional drama and helped him financially . Since then, he has just been communicating off and on.He told me that he has no hopes that she will ever commit.
Well the second day, we again chatted in the night. It was then he told me that he found me really attractive.After 4-5 days, he texted me early morning saying that he is going to again try with his GF. I then opened out everything abt my past life and relationship to him. After hearing all those, he immediately changed his mind saying that he just wants to focus on career. Looked like he just wanted to get everything out of me.
Our chat continued every night. He kept mentioning through out that we are both taureans and hence share the same chemistry. It was surely an instant click. We also started flirting with each other. We actually planned to meet but he cancelled last day as he said that he was distracted for a while and didnt want to meet for the time being but still wanted to continue chatting.He added saying that I need a guy who gives me relationship and bells and whistles and then texted saying that let time tell the tale and leave it to destiny. I agreed in order to give him some time.

Anonymous said...

To Mirror ( ctd..)
My last conversation with him was last sunday. I wanted to test him to see how serious he was. So i texted him saying that I met an amazing guy the previous day and from my same state. I told him that I talked with this guy for an hour and then he invited me for lunch which I did.He immediately lashed out at me saying that I am the only girl he knows would do that and he would have been really upset if it was his friend and added on saying its ok bcoz i am just a chat buddy. He added on saying that I should go out with my grp buddies too as anyone will find me attractive and that he is always so nice to me. Then he added saying that we should stop chatting as it is pointless and that we have our own set of friends. He also asked me to go and get moving in my career and that he is not part of that plan.I immediately gave in and apologized and told him that it was a lie and that I did just to irritate him as he was doing so to me by constantly calling me a chat buddy.
Then after several apologies , he cooled down and and then I told him to trust me and that I would never do any stupid things like this.He agreed and told me that he knows that and that once we have trust between us , nothing would be an issue.Then he added saying that it he doesent know yet and that it takes him a long time for him to trust people. Then immediately he changed subject abt job.Then after that as usual, we flirted with each other for an hour.We added each other over skype so that we can atleast see each other and then he ended up the conversation in a nice way saying GN as both of us were sleepy and told me that we can again chat tomorrow.
The next day morning , I sent him a good luck note as he was joining a new site and so was I. In the night as agreed, he never came to chat on time. I waited almost an hour, sent him chat and skype message to remind him but no use.We usually chat over whats app and I realized that none of my evening messages reached his phone.This went on 3 days and I kept sending him texts and requested him to respond to texts and that I am really sorry if I have annoyed him on sun night. No reply. On 2nd day, I sent him a meesage over chat that I have changed my skpe Id asked him to delete the old one and accept the new one.He then deleted me from skype contacts on the 4th day. I felt devastated. However he didnot block me out of whats app. Guess his phone is not working which he kind of mentioned on sun night conversation.
But I am not sure why he all of a sudden cut me out off skype. It made me wonder whether he has patched up with his gf now or found a new one. I checked with my other trustworthy colleague who worked much closely to him. She said that he is always fighting with his GF and hardly talks to her.She also added saying that he is never close to any girl and was surprised how he did that to me.Then all fell into place, why he became close to me.However,no one has touch with him as he left that site.
Kindly advice me regarding why he deleted me out of skype after 4-5 days of adding me. He is then constantly changing skype names every 3 days.Why should he disappear all of a sudden when we ended up the conversation intimately.He was fondly addressing me with my pet name.
Usually he responds to my texts in a day asking me to chill and that he will surely text me. Is he testing me? Or is he taking revenge as i made him jealous on sunday? He is usually a very nice person and I am shocked by his behavior.I am really broke mentally. Struggling to block him out of my thoughts.
Not sure what to do. Would he ever come back?Kindly advice me re how to win him back.

Anonymous said...

May i please get a reply? I will try to be brief.
I am using the no contact, being confident, dating, enjoying and pampering myself. HOWEVER, 'today' i am having a moment. I did nc on an ex 2 months ago, then i had to do it on 2 other males since 1 was the reappearing man and the other wanted sofa dates and me to come to him and all. (So those two i communicated i lost interest bc of "reasons above" ^^^, i wasnt rude about it) i just drew a line and i walked away.

I dont have low self esteem i know i what i deserve and i am teaching these men how to treat me. But i still wonder when will one come along that doesnt have to be taught?do they exist? Am i just teaching for another woman? Bc they arent coming back. Bottom line, i am getting tired.

Even the strongest of us get a little weak at times. Its been 2 months of nc with my ex - i guess that's over. I see him and he just stares at me bc of the confident 'new' change and bc i just let him go. Then about 2 and 3 weeks for the other two clowns. I just need some support. I know i am doing right but i feel so tired. Ur thoughts?

Wanting a change!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Aug 18, 10:47 PM,
"they arent coming back"

That's fine dear, let them go. If they don't come back, it's because they were only half interested in the first place and most likely, looking to use someone for sex to pass the time. You don't want men like that in your life, so when they don't come back, be happy that they didn't :-)

"Ur thoughts?"

There's not much to say dear. We all have to put in the time and walk our journey, there's no other way around it. Change doesn't happen overnight and instant gratification is fleeting. Be patient and stay the course and things will get better :-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Aug 18, 3:12 PM,
"he asked me my cell number which i gave him as a friend. After reaching home in the evening, I texted him to see if he got my missed call"

When a man asks for your number dear, WAIT for HIM to call YOU. If you jump in and start blowing up his phone immediately, he assume you're desperate. And if he assumes you're desperate for male attention..men tend to take advantage of that dear. So don't call, let HIM pursue YOU (it's the only way you'll ever know if he's genuinely interested), and don't give men the impression you're desperate or they make take advantage of you.

"ex...helped him financially...he told me that he has no hopes that she will ever commit."

That's a bunch of BS dear. If he had no hope, he wouldn't still speak to her. And if he didn't need her, he wouldn't accept her money. Careful, he sounds a bit manipulative.

"saying that he is going to again try with his GF"

See what I mean? When a man's WORDS do NOT align with his ACTIONS - he's lying. When he says one thing, then turns around and does another...he's not being honest dear :-(

"to irritate him as he was doing so to me by constantly calling me a chat buddy"

When a man is referring to you as his "buddy" dear, that's a big red flag that all he's seeking is either FWB an a casual sexual situation. When that happens, you don't lash out at him emotionally. You accept that this isn't meant to be - and you WALK AWAY and move on and find a man that wants what you want.

"Why should he disappear all of a sudden"

It doesn't matter why he disappeared. What matters is that he DID disappear. And men who disappear like that generally are NOT worth your time. Move on dear, and find someone that wants what you want, and you'll be much happier :-)

Anonymous said...

I just ran across your blog and I'm not sure if my post will reach you but I have a question. I've been married unhappily for 33 years and have been faithful. I have a house back in my hometown out of state, that I visit every year WithOut my husband. For the past 15 years a friend whom is also married and lives 2 doors down from this house in my hometown, has visited me and helped me out with different situations of construction, etc. of what ever I needed and through out these 15 years he has made advances to me without success. I have never given him encouragement and have at times met these advances with almost disgust. I remained friends with him until this past time visiting the hometown. I turned to prayer on a daily basis asking God to help me because of how lonely I was and prayed for him to send me someone I could love. You know what happened....Something came over me and I really thought God had sent my friend to me and that I had over looked this friend all these 15 years. I told my friend that when I returned the next time around that I was his. We had a intimate courtship through texting those following months until I returned. The relationship lasted a short time after I returned and the more I found myself falling in love with him the more he pulled away. After several trips back and forth with me feeling that he was pulling away, I verbally asked if our relationship was over and he blurted out yes. I left town and a couple of months I received a text with no name and it said, New phone # 000-000-0000. I typed, Who is this? He responded with his name. I was so shocked because I had prayed for two days prior for God just to send me some sort of sign that he even thinks about me. So I typed back, How r u? He types back All good quit my job three weeks ago. I responded with a few lines and basically did not type any more. A month later I wish him Happy Birthday and he responded Thankyou. I returned to my hometown a month after that. I was going to an event, dressed up and exited my house to get my phone out of my rental car when I quickly glanced towards his house and saw him walking near around his truck to leave. I know he had to have seen me but I pretended that I did not notice him and went back into the house. He drove off and did not text me. I left early the next morning. I know you cannot know what is in his heart, but do you think I am crazy to wonder why he would mess with my brain for 15 years and then treat me this way? Do you think if he ever contacts me that a 30 day break would work on him? Obviously a 15 year refusal did not dissuade him.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror
This is anonymous who wrote to you on Aug 18th re the taurean guy I met.
I understand very well that what you are saying is true.I was reading the text messages he sent me earlier. When he initially confided about his GF , he said that he has lost hopes in that she will ever come as she has time and again broken up with him as her parents never agreed to the proposal. He keeps asking her to walk away from the house and marry him but she is very hesitant.He even tried talking to her parents going to their place 1 year ago, but they refused and asked him to go away. After that they never communicated for about 6 months, when he moved on having another close friendship and she dating several guys of her parent's choice. However, his close relationship with second one never worked . Meanwhile his ex started calling up and after knowing that he has moved on, freaked out.It was then she started funding for his college too and asked him to wait. But he told me that she has done several times asking to wait and then backed off at the last minute in a fear to lose them. So he is just not going to keep any hopes and just wait and watch.
He said that after his second break up he never wanted any more heart breaks and thats why sacred to move with relationships especially with the first one still trying to hold on to him by helping him. Well, he told his colleagues after they asked abt his life that he never gets along well with his GF and always land up fighting with her. So doesent talk much often as he gets upset after that.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror(Ctd.. re taurean)
This is anonymous again. All these made me feel he is just confused re whether to move on or wait for his GF. This I know was true as he has told to so many of my other colleagues re it too.I was not around at that time.His colleagues also told me that he never befriending any other girl in their batch.
Re FWB. He initially wanted to meet me. But then later changed his mind and said that I live far away and its not possible to meet often. Moreover, he told me I am innocent and deserve a relationship where there are bells and whistles. Then he added saying that he cannot think abt it now as he has to focus on career and will let time tell the tale and let destiny take us where we have to go. He even convinced me for 30 min not to take a course which he did not like.
He never wanted to stop chatting with me. Whenever I used to get upset that we cannot meet, he will convince and remind me that we have to study and leave things to destiny.But however when I used to mention that I am bored some weekends, he used to ask me to go out with my GF and paint the town red.He used to always care abt which courses I was taking and tell me that I am smart and will land up with job soon. He knew that through his nature and support, he has already had my feelings. However, he never utilized it. Although, I told him several times that we have to meet, he would say that this is not the right time and will definitely do after all our duties were over.
Mirror, he is such a nice guy to all his colleagues and friends and instantly go and help them.I sensed that deep inside ,he was developing soft corner or feelings for me but carried the baggage of GF and thought he neede to wait to see what she does as it was 7 yr relationship.However I am puzzled that how he can block me from whatsapp after being so intimate and close.Is he still angry that I mentioned that I went to lunch with someone? Kindly advice me regarding what in your years of expertise do you think could have happened
on Monday evening for him to block me of whatsapp which I am not sure . Or his phone is not working as he constantly mentioning that he has an old android.He said that he is in the process of buying a new one and will then sending his pics. As i said 4 days later he blocked ( but not deleted )from skype.I sent a letter of apology to his email and requested him to respond. But no reply. He knows i am doing the same day course as him in Nov.How do i treat him there?Would he come back
Mirror, I am really infatuated with this guy as we shared so many common interests and soft corner between each other apart from being intimate. I know there are lots of men around. Kindly advice me if whether there is still a chance of him coming back ?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"All these made me feel he is just confused re whether to move on or wait for his GF"

That may be so dear. But that should be a big warning to you. A warning that he's not emotionally stable right now and that any decision he makes right now, he could easily turn on. As a result, he's not ready for a relationship.

"I am puzzled that how he can block me from whatsapp after being so intimate and close"

As I stated above dear, it's clear that this man is NOT ready for a relationship. He suggested FWB which was the first sign. The second sign was him placing the distance and his studies before a relationship. The next sign was him considering an ex girlfriend. This guy's all over the place dear. He's not relationship material right now and there are warning signs all over the place with him.

"How do i treat him there?"

Ignore him and steer clear of him if you can. If he approaches you, be civil but don't go out of your way for him. Keep your conversations brief and remove yourself from the situation until he gets his act together and stabilizes.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Mirror
I really appreciate your timely advice. Now everything comes into the picture. You were really an eye opener to me. As u said, I started focusing on my career and blocked that part of my life. If destiny wants us together, it is he who should realize and bounce back. Not me. One of my friends showed me a proverb once which I would like to share with everyone in this blog. Fools revenge mistakes,smart people forgive and intelligent people ignore . Well I certainly opted out to be the last one ignoring this guy's mistakes but forgetting it. Life has much more to look forward to than brood over spilt milk.
Once again, Thanks a lot Mirror.

Anonymous said...

Mirror, what is up with exes who get angry at you for not wanting to stay friends with them? I tried telling my ex boyfriend two months ago that I needed space to get over things, and all he has done is the opposite. At one point he messaged me asking to be friends and saying he wants to spend time with me in public (how is this having space??) so I ignored everything. He messaged a few times after asking if I was refusing that proposal and I didn't respond to anything.

About 2 weeks after that, he snapchatted me and it was a rather childish, mean, and immature snapchat (kind of like trolling me "ha, ha, made you look"). This is the first time he's ever done anything so directly antagonizing toward me. He doesn't know I saw the snapchat (I still wanted to maintain that "space" and give him no attention for this bad behaviour).

Could you shed some light on why he might be doing this? Do you think he will feel guilty/regretful for doing it? After our breakup in March, he wanted to continue a FWB-style relationship and I refused, but it ended civilly! I want to be friends eventually, but now I feel so disrespected by him that I don't want anything to do with him right now. How could I go from the best girl he's ever dated, to the one whose "pigtails he pulls"? Do guys only get angry at girls they still have feelings for maybe?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mon, Aug 25, 7:04 PM,
"Could you shed some light on why he might be doing this?"

He sounds childish and immature, as you mentioned. As a result, he will not handle rejection well, he'll handle it like a child.

"Do guys only get angry at girls they still have feelings for maybe?"

Immature men get angry when their ego is bruised. Handling rejection with grace and dignity seems to be an issue for him. His ego is bruised and he may be a bit immature. As a result, the worst in him will be come to the surface, not the best. So he's now acting childish to provoke a reaction (to try and reassure himself that you still care, because if you care, you'll react). And if he doesn't get the reaction he's expecting, he gets angry, much like a child, instead of being smart enough to walk away like a man.

Tiff720 said...

Hi MOA....

So my guy dropped his phone in the water. I didn't know until I received a text from his mother. Later in the evening, I received a call from him while he's at work. He told me what happened. We had agreed that he'll come over my place to stay, but now he had this incident happened, he wants to stay on his side of town. He kept implying and asking if my "lip is poked out" or "if I am mad or still mad" that he doesn't want to come over my place. I told him that I'm not mad but then don't have a followup. It seems as when it's time for him to stay over my house, there's always something. I feel that I am always inconvenience myself to go over his side of town. I told him that and he mentioned that I have every right to feel the way that I do. Then he said/asked me how about him coming over tomorrow after he gets his phone situation handled. I went silent because I was lost for words and really bothered by his comment. Then when I was trying to say something I lost phone signal. I can't call him back or text him since he doesn't have his phone. I am bothered this situation and I think it's unfair. So what should I do? How should I handle this? After the dropped call, I started to ponder on all the times I inconvenience myself, to be with him. People make time for what they WANT to make time for! He asked me to come to his family's labor day dinner, should I go with him? I'm tired of inconveniencing myself and he is not doing it in return but is always quick to say that I have every right to feel the way I feel and etc.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Tiff720,
"So what should I do? How should I handle this?...should I go with him?"

I can't guide you on how to handle each and every aspect of your relationship dear. The best I can do is give you the tools and information for YOU to start making wise decisions for yourself - decisions that are best for YOU, not HIM.

"all the times I inconvenience myself, to be with him. People make time for what they WANT to make time for"

And I think you know what you need to do already dear. If you feel inconvenienced by his requests, then the solution to that is to simply say no or refuse to go. It's actually very simple...it's our emotions that complicate matters for us.

Try to remove your emotions from the situation - and instead - use common sense an logic when making decisions. If you do that, everything suddenly becomes very clear :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA


I have to say that your blog is addictive. In terms of couple dynamics and basic differences between men and women, your blog is one of the best around, if not the best itself. You are very clear and you provide a very simple explanation to all the different phases a relationship goes through. My relationship finished very recently and I can't at the moment employ NC with the utmost success because we still share a house and a work environment. After that is settled, I will employ NC, although I am not exactly interested in winning the guy back. When I read through most of the articles I can recognize many mistakes I committed ( not just with this relationship, but with a previous one aswell). The article about the red flag signs stroke a chord and I've realized that I did most of the work on my relationship, and that started since day 1. And, of course, when you feel like you are the only one working and making an effort, you start showing emotional displays and that backfires. I feel somewhat embarrassed to ask you this question but here goes : flirting online with people you never met and probably never will, can be considered an infidelity, right? In all honesty, for me it is and I didn't felt comfortable with the behavior. I was raised in a catholic environment and there, it was always told to me that sex didn't necessarily meant love or emotions in stake ( providing of course if it was the man being unfaithful) although in my situation the flirting proves to me as being worse than exactly sex. I don't think I can forgive unfaithfulness because you will never look at the person the same way, your trust suffered a blow.
Your website does talk about issues that should be natural to people, people should know about these issues instinctively and yet for some reason, in the western world from some decades ago until now, women still have the weird idea that they should treat the man very well, always be there for him aswell and that will make her loved. The other issue that seems strange to me is how come so many women think that sleeping with a man very early in the dating phase will guarantee a relationship. I am sure there are cases of that, I just never met any. I honestly don't want to offend anyone, but didn't we ( women) interpreted our new freedom, from the 70's onwards and you tried to imitate man ( sleeping with a man in a short period of time, pursuing him, etc) instead of trying to rejoice on our new power as women, but still acting like women?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 1, 5:50 AM,
"flirting online with people you never met and probably never will, can be considered an infidelity, right?"

Probably depends on who you ask and what their personal values are, however, I see it as an emotional infidelity. It's obviously not a physical one, but it is a betrayal emotionally nonetheless.

"instead of trying to rejoice on our new power as women, but still acting like women?"

Our power IS being a woman...our power is our FEMININITY. Our power over men lies in our feminine ways, our feminine wiles...as many men are absolutely POWERLESS against it LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

Anonymous from September 1, 2014 at 5:50 AM

Thank you for your answer MOA. You know I always had the idea that it was in fact a betrayal although my ex tried everything to make me convince it wasn't. This happened through all our 7 year relationship which in turn made me have the classic response: neediness, clingness, the necessity of making him say he loved me all the time. And yes very recently he told me he wanted out and that he didn't cared about me anymore. And like I read several times in your website, it was during a quarrel that he realised that. Well, whatever. Now that we are apart, he has no problem in showing him self naked to other women online and flirting with them constantly. Its strange, but I wonder if this has ever happened to anyone before: the feeling that you don't know the person with whom you spend some part of your life. Of course, the red flags were there and yes I endured i for a long time, but yes, doing this in front of me with out even having the decency to disguise and then saying we are no longer together so he does as he pleases???? I don't know this man, if this was the man I spend this period of my life then I am flabbergasted.
I understand what you mean when you refered that our power resides in our feminity. Maybe one day a man can see that on me, LOL :)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror, I tried dating my on and off guy again. He recently asked me to go out of town with him and his friends, but I couldn't go because my parents were in town. All of a sudden he told me he was going to Vegas as well on his trip for a conference, so i told him to have a good trip. He didn't contact me for a week. I know he was out of town, but I still think he could have made contact. He finally text a week later asking how my weekend was going. I ignored it because I was going to mirror his behavior and not reply for a week. He sent another text 2 days later asking if my parents were still in town. I ignored that one. He finally picked up the phone the next day and left me a long message wondering how my weekend was and how I was doing then sent another text several hours later asking if I had dinner plans Saturday; night. I finally called him back that evening because he was blowing up my phone. Well guess what. He didn't answer, but text back saying that he wasn't feeling well and asked if we could talk the next day. I said no problem. The next day I did not hear from him until 9:45 at night. he sent another text and said that he still wasn't feeling well and he had his kids and that he would try and make contact the next day. I was very pissed at this point. So funny that he tried so hard to get a hold of me, but all of a sudden when I call back he is too sick to make a phone call. What is that? Maybe he was mad that I ignored him, so he was doing it back again or maybe he was trying to get out of dinner plans that he threw out there. He didn't call in the morning, so I sent this text: "I have heard these excuses from you before, so I need to move on from this. I said I didn't want to wait 2, 3, 4 weeks before seeing someone I was dating. A guy who wants to be with me will be with me and not make up every excuse in the world as to why they can't. You and I are obviously not on the same page. Thanks for the little time we spent together. I wish you well." I have heard his sick excuse before when we had a date scheduled and he went out with his friends. I broke up with him after that. Did I handle this ok? My friend was saying that I needed to set him straight. No contact from here on out... Thanks, Mirror

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

I had NC from a DM for a month and prior to that he had asked me out for dinner in which I replied I could not go that day as he did not give me enough notice. He then left to visit his parents and kept texting me while he was there and mentioned we should see each other when he's back. I said sure, but I may be gone for the summer and he did not reply to me since. I see on his FB that he got back weeks ago but never contacted me. So after a month he finally texts me "Hey you, how are we", I did not respond. 3 days go by he sends the same text again, I did not respond. Should I give him the full 30 day NC since he went MIA for a month? Or should I say something since he texted twice? Why is he sending me the same repeated questions? Is he mad that I'm ignoring him? Thank you MOA.

Rosegirl

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 6, 12:14 PM,
"So funny that he tried so hard to get a hold of me, but all of a sudden when I call back he is too sick to make a phone call. What is that?"

it's a power play for control. You see, when YOU were non-responsive to HIM and mirroring his own behavior right back to him, he instinctively KNEW what that meant - it meant YOU were in the drivers seat. So he pulled this little power play her to get back into the drivers seat, holding the cards and the power position.

"Did I handle this ok?"

You took a stand for yourself. You know your value and your worth and what you need from your significant other to make you happy. If he's done this repeatedly and it wasn't making you happy, then you most certainly did what was best for yourself here dear.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Rosegirl,
"Should I give him the full 30 day NC since he went MIA for a month?"

That's a personal decision dear. But I believe that you get what you give. If you give a month's silence to a woman, then don't be surprised if you get a month's silence right back.

"Or should I say something since he texted twice?"

Again, it's a personal choice. But remember...if you respond after only 2 lame texts from him (that don't even include an apology or an invitation to "talk" it over), then you're signaling to him that when he mistreats you - all it takes to get back into your good graces are two lousy texts from him. Not really the impression that you want to give a man, ya' know?

Anonymous said...

RE: Sept 6, 12:14 pm
Thanks for your response, Mirror. That does make sense that he was trying to get back control. I guess he thought I would answer his lame text after him disappearing for a week and he was probably not expecting me to not reply. Thanks for your confirmation that I did the right thing. A text here and there and once every couple of weeks date just isn't cutting it for me. I feel like I am still single when I date him! And he complains all the time that I never initiate any communication with him. I stay way back because I don't feel like he is all in it or acting like he wants anything serious, so I'm not going to chase after him. He did finally reply to my text that I sent about us not being on the same page and wishing him well. You know what his reply was? "ok take care". That one stung a little. Sounds like he really doesn't care to me. What do you think? I think no contact from here is the best? I know I need to go find a man who can provide more consistency in my life because he isn't measuring up. I appreciate your help :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sept 6, 12:14 pm,
"You know what his reply was? "ok take care". That one stung a little. Sounds like he really doesn't care to me. What do you think?"

I think that's validation that you did the right thing :-)

"I think no contact from here is the best?"

That's up to you, but I don't think I'd be giving someone my attention, that can barely give me theirs back in return.

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA!

Decided to try this out on this guy that has been pulling the disappearing/reappearing act on me lately. Well, 17 days later this clown text me with "Just sayn hello". So, I didn't respond. smh Really?! Is that all you got to say after 2 weeks of no contact. Oh well, carring on...I'm going to ride this out for the entire month, maybe longer. I just don't get these guys and why they feel the need to play games with us. If you don't want to be with someone, just tell them that. Don't keep stringing them along, playing with people emotions. :-(

BJ :-)

Anonymous said...

hi!
i am looking for answers then i found your page, which is by the way, a very very good one... i wish you could help me out here. My husband and i were were bf-gf for 6 years and eventually got married. This year is our 8th year as a couple. We have two small kids. My husband was assigned in a far place from where we were living and only goes home on weekends. It was not until last month (August 16, 2014) when i found out he's been cheating on me with a girl working in a bar when he was there. It turns out, the affair started December of 2013, he left his work and decided to come home March 2014. He impregnated the girl. He panicked and brought the girl someplace for 2 months to have the child aborted. All those times, i didn't know anything, because i trusted him too much. I found out August 2014 when i read the text message from the girl demanding his attention and quarreling him about it. When confronted that time, he confessed and told me it's over. We even had counselling. It was not until 3 weeks after, September 2014 i found out that they are still seeing each other and that they are satisfying themselves talking about me and how desperate i was to get him back. He even said he didn't love me anymore. He is a very good father to my sons though. I had enough and implemented the NO CONTACT RULE. I don't answer calls or text messages even unfriend him in facebook. But now, he is blasting my phone with calls, at least 20 calls a day! i am confused. If he didn't want me anymore, why would he take so much effort texting and calling me? i need enlightenment. i might make wrong decisions. please help. we are no longer living together...

Anonymous said...

Mirror,

This blog has helped me so much and I wanted to share a few words from a POWERFUL sermon I heard that helped as well. I am only trying to help somebody. I am "NOW" a true believer that everything in life happens for a reason. "NOTHING JUST HAPPENS"

Its called the “THE GIFT OF GOODBYE”

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: u let them walk...

I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The Bible says that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay.

LET THEM GO!!!

And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead.

YOU’VE GOT TO KNOW WHEN IT’S DEAD.

You’ve got to know when it’s over. Let me tell you something. I’ve got the gift of good-bye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It’s not that I’m hateful, it’s that I’m faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He’ll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay.

LET THEM GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains . . . . . . . . .

LET IT GO!!!

If someone can’t treat you right, love you back, and see your worth . . . . . . . .

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge . . . . . . . .

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction . . . . . . . .

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship . . . . . . . .

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won’t even try to help themselves . . . . . . . .

LET IT GO!!!

If you’re feeling depressed and stressed . . . . . . . .

LET IT GO!!!


Elena said...

i adore this blog ; i started to date someone a month ago and we got in a huge fight now he doesn't respond to my messages so i stopped texting him . if i don't text him for 30 days and yet he never shows up .should i be the first who texts him again

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Elena,
If he doesn't circle back around after not responding to your messages, you don't beat your head against the wall attempting to get him back. You accept that he's not a man that can make you happy and fulfill your needs, nor is he a man that's WILLING to do those things...so you go find yourself a man that IS willing to do things and one that's emotionally capable of showing it as well.

And you leave the guy that's ignoring you - where he belongs....alone with himself.

Anonymous said...

@Mirror and Anonymous September 11, 11:35 AM

That sermon is very powerful, I think the video has been posted here on this blog earlier. I do love it!
I personally have had a lot of difficulty letting go, especially when it comes to relatonships. I was involved in 2 disapperaing reappearing men, it was awful; sleepless nights, worrying all the time, being obsessed with them, they made the worst out of me and I dont like the person I was when I was with them. Neglecting family and friends, rearranging everything for their crumbs... (but I guess I needed this to help me truly learn to let go and Im still learning...).

There is a scene from the movie "The peaceful warrior" that I really like, the whole movie is good btw. Though it is not strictly speaking about letting guys or relatinships go, but rather letting go of your ego that is controlling you. However, when I watched it for the first time it was so powerful. I realized that what I have to learn to let go is so deep insideof me, it is actually a part of me and I am afraid to release it because I have never lived without it and I don't know what it is like... This scene represents to me letting go of my worries, my anxiety that is controlling me and keeps telling me to contact these clowns, my fears, my constant need for a man's validation and appreciation...Bc I know that what we are holding on to is what is holding us back...Still so many things that I need to work on. But it is soo worth it!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xp53t2ivDYs

Anonymous said...

Hi anonymous September 12, 2014 at 5:21! I am anonymous September 11, at 11:35am.... I agree it is powerful...

I must say that I had to read it over and over until it stuck to me. I too had those sleepless nights, worrying, and being obsessed. Its a process and u will get to where u dont waist time worrying like that anymore. I wont say it was easy to overcome. I took small steps until I really started believing that I am the baddest chick. U see, its easy to say that, we can dress up and put makeup on and feel like a bad chick on the OUTSIDE but the test comes when u r in a situation and u have to show it. U pass the test when u believe it on the INSIDE bc actions says it all. That same dude I was obsessed with I ended up telling him to loose my number and I meant it. Today, I know I did the best thing I could have done for MYSELF. I became so strong, felt free, and my confidence is now thru the roof. Its empowering!
When I first started dating, after LETTING HIM GO I remember going home crying (tears of joy). Because the men I dated treated me the way I wanted so bad for that other guy to treat me.... Instead of not sleeping, worrying, obsessing, I am finally HAPPY. My struggles became the key ingredients to my now success in dating. I guess I had to experience Mr. Wrong to appreciate Mr. Right.....

You can do it! You have the power just tap into it! ;*)
God bless u!

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror
This is anonymous who wrote to u on August 18th regarding the taurean guy I met.Actually according to your advice, I totally avoided him.However, 2 weeks ago, he unblocked me from the chat and kept checking constantly to see if I am logging in. Well I did multiple times just to show I am social and carrying on with life but never attempted to contact him. Well eventually he did saying Hi and how's everything. I responded after a day saying Hi too but to my surprise he was online and started to respond to me. Well the first question I asked was why he blocked me. He replied that he never did so and that he gave his iphone fro repair and got a loaner phone which had no apps.So couldn't contact me.Also, he had lots of family problems going thru bcoz of death and siblings.So he said he was really stressed.But to my surprise, he himself told me that he wants to meet me for dinner and talk about everything and clarify things between us.When I mentioned that he was not open,he promised me that he will open out more once he meets me in person and that we should start seeing each other more.Then again he went on about my classes his. Then I asked him if he found someone interesting in his new class. He replied saying that he is not interested as he has me here and that is enough for him. He said he would have and have never attempted to go for someone if

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror
This is both of us anonymous again.Just wanted to continue my story. As i mentioned that he would have never sought for anyone if I weren't there and added how strange it was that both of us got drawn towards each other when he never wanted anything other than career in this place.I really dont know how to read him. Never mentioned anything abt his ex GF whom i presume he still has contacts with. Then why me? He is not that kind of a guy who flirts with women for fun behind GF. He has stayed sincere for her long distance for 6 years.My intuitions tells me that he is not sure about his GF now and wants to move on.At the same time is in denial. I dont know where I fall in the picture. Kindly guide me regarding how i should behave and what kind of sentences i should not say so that it doesnot convey to him that I have very deep feelings for him. Kindly advice.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 11, 9:16 AM,
"If he didn't want me anymore, why would he take so much effort texting and calling me?"

Well, this could be a matter of "control" dear. He sounds like at least for the past year or so, he's been a man that's had his cake and ate it too. And now, things are spiraling out of his control, and he's uncomfortable with it. Particularly with the fact that he can no longer control you, or have the control he once had over his immediate family, while also controlling his outside activities as well.

As a result of losing that control, he's now overcompensating by becoming obnoxious in his efforts to still be able to control those around him, particularly you. And sometimes this happens dear. Men who take a woman for granted...they tend to think, "Eh, she'll never leave me. Where's she gonna' go? Who's gonna' want her?" At least that's what flew out of my exes mouth towards me. He had take me for granted for so very long, and gotten away with so very much behind my back...that it never occurred to him he may lose me and his lifestyle right along with it.

In my case, my ex wanted his lifestyle back - not me. And yes, he too stated he no longer loved me. And I gotta' be honest with you dear, when they fall out of love with you...or really when anyone falls outta' love, think about it...do you ever really fall back IN love with them again? Rarely does that happen. And rarely will a woman ever fall in love with a man that's taken her for granted for so very long and treated her so very poorly ever fall back in love either. What's their to love about the man after that, that would make you overlook that, ya' know?

I think in his case, this is about control. About losing control. About not being IN control - of everyone and everything around him - and losing the lifestyle he's used to living as well. He's no longer able to sit back and smirk like the cat that ate the canary, knowing things other don't know...and feeling like he's on top because of that. It's ego related. And his ego is now demanding that he be back in that position of control once more. And if it isn't coming easy for him, his ego is demanding he become obnoxious about it in an attempt to gain back all that control once more.

You live the by sword (cheat), you die by the sword (consequences that are now rendered with a devastating blow). That's what he's experiencing right now. And if I were you, I'd let him experience every single last bit of the consequences he's created for himself...as well as the karma that comes back three fold. That's how life lessons are learned. That's how people grow into better versions of themselves....via the experience of consequence.

Maria said...

ok i will tell you my story
i started to talking to someone .at first we were talking just like friends and then he started telling me he likes me the problem is that he has a girlfriend so i told him what you ahve a girlfriend u can't like me anyways i was clear and i told him that what ever happens i don't want to cause problems in his relationship and that his girlfriend gets hurt .He got mad and said he won't cheat it is jsut important to him to know how i feel toward him . i didn't want things to get complicated so i told him i like him but i'm in love with someone else

he ended telling me what can't be just friends and it hurts him to know that i don't like him and then he stopped texting and i told him that i can't tell him how i feel while he has a girlfriend i don't want to be that kind of woman

we stopped talking for a while or better to say he stopped responding the last thing he said that he was replanning things in his life and when he started ignoring my messages . the problem is now i think about him non-stop i even ask myself if itold him that i liked him and was more open how things would be ? i hate this feeling

is he a player ? did i do the right think or should i think about my happiness ?did i start to love him ? what do i think about him a lot ? i'm just in a mess and i don't like it

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Maria,
"is he a player?"

I think you probably know the answer to that dear. He currently has a girlfriend, and he's behaving inappropriately with you, and trying to strike up a "situation" with you...so what's that tell you? Think he's to be trusted? I don't think so.

And remember...if they'll cheat WITH you - they'll cheat ON you.

"did i do the right think or should i think about my happiness?"

You did the right thing, and you DID think about your happiness dear. I don't think being with a cheater would make anyone happy. Because again, if he'll cheat WITH you, he will definitely cheat ON you. And I don't think that would make you happy. A cheater is no one's idea of Prince Charming.

Anonymous said...

Hi Anonymous who wrote this:

'Its a process and u will get to where u dont waist time worrying like that anymore. I wont say it was easy to overcome. I took small steps until I really started believing that I am the baddest chick'

Could you tells us what you did and what steps you took to overcome this hold this guy had over you?? It is great to hear you're FREE and HAPPY. I'm stuck a bit in the process of letting go of a DM it is getting better but still an ongoing process and just wondered if you have any tips and advice of what happened with you??

Thank you

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 17, 5:02 PM,
"I'm stuck a bit in the process of letting go of a DM it is getting better but still an ongoing process and just wondered if you have any tips and advice of what happened with you??"

I realize your question was addressed to the anonymous poster here, however, I'd like to interject for a sec with one common theme I see, and have experienced myself, when it comes to this matter with women. I'm not sure if this will help you or not, but I see this as a "biggie" with women, so I'm going to share it.

This has to do with the concept of "fantasy versus reality." Because here's the thing - we women are emotional creatures. That's just the way it is. And as such, those emotions can somewhat remove us from our immediate reality - and take us to these grand, far off fantasy type emotional places that simply aren't realistic. We don't realize we're doing this, but we do it - we see the good in people and we tend to overlook the bad. And because we're kinda' wired that way, that "good" we often see...isn't sometimes always the reality.

Meaning, we tend to glorify things a bit...we wear those rose colored glasses and then we see everything through that single filter lens...and it's all rosey.

Then those glasses get whacked off our heads, the ugly reality is staring us in the face and we're like, "What the hell...what's this? This isn't what i signed up for. This isn't what appeared to be taking place? What happened to the way it used to be?" When in reality, the way it used to be wasn't all it was cracked up to be either...it's just those damn rose colored glasses, ya' know?

So by now, I think you understand where I'm headed with this. And you're not alone here. Women, all women, have done this at one point in time or another, so this is nothing to be embarrassed about. But as women, the emotional creatures we are, wearing our blinged out rose colored glasses...we tend to glorify things - particularly men. The reality can be staring us right in the face, but our hearts "feel" something...so we overlook the reality...we look far beyond, well into the horizon to that far off place in the future that we see...and in our future, this relationship is looking peachy. Why? Because we're living in our "ideal" relationship at that point. We're seeing only the good in this man, and we're assuming that all that isn't "good" will be "repaired" by the time we reach that future. So in our heads, we start living in this far off grandious place that doesn't exist. We see him perfectly there, all his faults and all the relationship troubles ironed out. We see us happy together, we see us laughing and our families gathering round...life is grand...in that far off grandious place that doesn't exist. Things are real rosey there. And we want to get there. We believe we can get there. We've seen the good in this man, so you know it's there and it can be worked on. And we're just gonna' bang, bang, bang our heads against the wall working on it, to reach that far off place that doesn't exist...our ideal relationship...with this man. And no matter what, that's where we're going and that's how it is, and that's how it's gonna' be.

Sound familiar? Ringing any bells?

That far off grandious place is a place of "fantasy" dear. The ugly reality is right here, but the heart and the head are both already living in that "ideal" relationship (that doesn't exist yet), in that far off grandious place (that doesn't exist yet). And because the heart and head are there - that becomes your reality. Wherever your heart and mind reside is your reality, whether it's actually rooted here on earth or not. Your mental space is your reality.

Cont...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

BUT...in this particular scenario....what we think is our reality, what IS our emotional and mental reality....is actually just an illusion...a far off fantasy. It's not the reality of this 3 dimensional world we live in. It's only a reality of the mind and the heart.

The best way to get over a man dear - is to live in the 3 dimensional world of reality, and leave the fantasy where it belongs...in the romance books. Because it's not real. It's not an accurate representation of your current relationship. It's the fantasy version of what "could" be - not of what "actually is."

When you find yourself in that place dear, bring yourself back down to earth by reminding yourself of something he did that hurt you. Yes - you'll slam back down to earth with a thud...but you'll land safely. Just slowly bring your feet back down to the ground and begin to see and accept this man for who he truly was...not for who you envisioned he might possibly be someday.

Once you can separate the fantasy from reality and successfully remove it from your thoughts and reflections about this man ---- the healing begins. But if you hang on to that fantasy for dear life, then that's the reality you will remain stuck in.

Maria said...

Thank you , you are right . i'm glad i didn't do and say anything to flirt with him i don't want to be the cause of someone's else heartbreak . i would have lost my self-respect .This blog is amazing ! always looking forward to read your articles soo enlightining

jennymfly said...

I started seeing this guy slept with him too soon he disappeared and reappeared .. everything was fine yesterday evening he started acting funny in our texts .now he is not responding at all.will this 30 thing work with his ass?

Anonymous said...

Hi Anonymous September 17, 9:34AM

In response to your question
Could you tells us what you did and what steps you took to overcome this hold this guy had over you?? It is great to hear you're FREE and HAPPY. I'm stuck a bit in the process of letting go of a DM it is getting better but still an ongoing process and just wondered if you have any tips and advice of what happened with you??

See a lot of people want others to change, but in order to get change sometimes you have to change YOURSELF.
And when I say change yourself I only mean YOUR THOUGHTS/your inner man. If you pay attention that is what Mirror is telling us when she speaks of thinking LOGICALLY. Put all that emotional crap on the side. It’s a THOUGHT process. That’s why its hard to get over someone because they are in our head/THOUGHTS. So after I told him to lose my number here are a few things I did:

o I set a goal for myself not to renege on no contact NO MATTER WHAT so I got a big calendar made a start and end date and marked a big red ‘X’ on each day that I made it thru with no contact. My end date was 90days because I had it bad for this dude and I knew I needed a lot of time.
o I reminded myself everyday that this dude was on and off with me for years that it had to stop and that if I reached out he would do it again – like he did the last time
o I started THINKING about all the BAD things (only when I would begin to miss him) – that gave me strength to continue
o I prayed A LOT
o I re-read that LET IT GO piece “in my previous post” over and over again
o I read Mirror articles - all of them
o I gave myself time to cry – let it out
o I made up IN MY MIND that it is over for good – don’t THINK down the line – that’s a trap
o I online dated for only a month – the purpose was just to flirt and build up my confidence – It helped me feel wanted and gave me something to do
o I FOCUSED more on myself and my happiness. Ex: working out, dancing, I even got a part-time job at a sport bar – where I was able to get out and meet other men - it was fun!
o I FORCED myself to hang out with my gf’s more – even if I didn’t want to go – I would walk into parties and look at 3 men while THINKING to myself “he wants me, him too, ummm especially him” – this is how I built myself up ON THE INSIDE. HINT: When you THINK like that your body language shows it and people are attracted to that confidence.
o When I made groceries or wherever I went I would THINK to myself “girl, you are so amazing! You better work it! – I was becoming more confident.
o I dated many men (no sex) I needed this to help me interact with men better. Don’t date to mate, date to collect data and have fun while doing it. HINT: When you date more than one man at a time you tend to not care as much because there is always another one calling you. So I had a whole football team!!! :~)
o I allowed them to GIVE TO ME. This is very important. Instead of always doing I let theses men do for me. You got to get comfortable with just letting them ‘DO’. When a man likes you all have to do is just show up and just be yourself.
o I canceled dates sometimes. Just because I didn’t feel like it. I did what made ME happy. Putting myself first. And that is why these dudes like me so much, because of my love for MYSELF.
LADIES IF YOU DON’T “THINK” YOUR ARE A BAD CHICK NO ONE ELSE WILL EITHER.

The baddest chick!
Oh and much respect and love to you Mirror – I thank God for you!

Gem50 said...

@ Ms Mirror,
"....those glasses get whacked off our heads..."

I just love reading your stuff :) it's so stinken' true and great wisdom.

Keep going lady! hugs

pisces girl said...

"You may not end up where you thought you’d be, but you always end where you are meant to be" love this quote! Thought i'd share it.We may not end up with who we thought we would end up with but the universe knows what our future holds and it is better than we could of ever imagined so lets never lose hope stop smiling and being happy.I want to become the best me I can be so I never have to settle for less than best.

pisces girl said...

1 month NC! yeahh I made it! and though it is kind of bitter sweet because I didn't hear from him It still feels good knowing that I stuck to my guns and didn't contact him! I went out last night with some friends and happened to bump into this cute guy from the gym and we talked and danced. He's tall and good looking and he seems to be into me but Im not fooled by his perfect smile either. He claims to be a good boy and a nice guy and one of his friends even vouched for him but im doubtful. This is the second time I seen him out and the second time hes asked me to go home with him just to "cuddle" he said he would love to have sex with me but he promised he wouldnt try anything. I used to be fooled by those sofa dates and promises of watching a movie and just talking and cuddling-not anymore because they lie. I told him I don't think its a good idea and im not that kind of girl. He then said he would call me and he would like to take me on a date but we will see. He has also said that before at the gym when I would bump into him and he never did. I think he was kind of drunk last night and I was looking good so he decided to give it a shot. We did dance and it was nice cause he's tall and rock hard solid and really fit. Im definitely attracted to him and he did help me get my mind off lawschool but I still do think about him especially since the time he came to visit we went to that exact spot.Oh well...he has showed me where he stands but nonetheless it still feels good to get dressed up go out and meet new people and be feminine and get treated like a lady. Guy from gym last night offered to buy me and my girlfriend a drink and then he asked me if I was paying and I just gave him this look and said no..lol they really do test to see if you will open your wallet and try to impress them or just embrace your feminine charm and know that that is all you need and more. Now im sure that when I let a man be a man they feel better about themselves even if they don't like spending that cash they respect the woman more that they have to invest in a little to impress.

Anonymous said...

Dear MoA, i've been in a relationship with this guy that i truly love so dearly and everything was great and normal until after we had a misunderstanding most of which I was in the wrong.. And weeks later, he started withdrawing and being very distant, everytime i called and asked him what was wrong and why he's suddenly changed, he wont admit anything and still kept being cold and distant. Each time we talked on phone, he just wasn't his usual self with me anymore(no making or taking jokes, no playful chats and arguments, he just got too serious) and sometimes if i didnt call he wont even call. One day i called him and still asked him why he was being so aloof, if there was anything i did wrong that he's not telling..he said no bt i wasn't convinced i even asked if he was still angry about the misunderstanding we had previously bt he still said no and I went on to apologise for anything i did wrong unknowingly . Weeks passed and he was still like that, i got frustrated with the whole situation and started bugging him out of worry to let out his feelings., i would call and ask if he really loves me, why he's changed, why he's nt always calling, if he wants to break up and all and each time i did that he'd say i should stop asking him such questions but i kept pressing him and complaining about how he wasn't loving anymore and all those complaints and questions end up getting him pissed off everytime. And on one of the times i was complaining abt his behaviour, he finally told me what was wrong.. He said that the reason why he's been the way he has been with me is that all i care about is myself, that i dont care abt him(and this is one person that i truly love and care about), i was confused and i asked why he would ever say such and then he asked me "if i have for once ever cared to ask him about his job hunting knowing that he doesnt have a stable job?" I started explaining to him that i havent asked him about his job-hunting because i felt he was going to get depressed and feel pressured and i didnt want that.. I felt he might not even want to talk about it because guys usually do not like looking weak in the eyes of women..i didnt ask him because i thought he'd feel bad talking abt it wit me, so all i did was pray for him.. I tried explaining to him that it's because i care that i was consciously avoiding the topic so as not to get his ego bruised, and how i thought i was doing the right thing and only meant well but he didnt see it from my own perspective. He was already convinced that i do not care about him or his future and nothing i tried explaining made sense to him, he insisted that if i cared i would've atleast asked once and if he was reluctant to talk about it with me then i would have a case. I didnt know what to do again, i cried and thoroughly apologised and asked him to forgive me and after much talk, he did. Days after that, he was slowly coming back to his usual self bt i still didnt ask him abt his job-hunting bcos i still hadnt gotten over my way of thinking that he was going to maybe feel sad when i ask him and i also didnt want it to look as if i was only asking him just because he told me; i just wanted a little time to pass before asking him. But i noticed he started withdrawing again and being distant n then i got worried again and started out with the unending questions, calls and complaints. On one occasion, he complained bitterly abt how he hates the way i complain and nag him everytime, bt i couldnt stop it cos i was doing all that to get him to act right as i didnt know what i did to make him change again. So one day when i was at his place, he wasnt being so free with me, i asked what was wrong and y he suddenly changed again but he said "nothing" and i kept pressing him to talk, but he wont.. I got angry and asked him if he wasnt interested in the rship anymore, he didnt answer me. @Cassy

Anonymous said...

continued by @Cassy......
I kept asking and pressing him to answer me and then he told me yes, that he wasnt interested anymore. I asked him why and he asked me if i truly care about him, i told him yes..and then he said that it wasnt true, that all i truly care about is the relationship and my emotions and that i havent still bothered to ask him abt his job-hunting 3weeks after he expressed his disappointment. That all i care abt is my own feelings, he even said that if he doesnt eventually make it that i was going to leave him and thats why i'm not bothered abt his future. Then he told me how my complaints were distracting him but i kept bugging him with questions n complaints which was the last thing heneeded to worry about.. That my complaints and nagging made him lose interest. I know i did all the wrong things for the right reasons in my relationship with him but it's all because i love him and didnt want to lose him. Please, what do i do to get him back and make him know i care about him a lot more than he knows. Will the no-contact rule work here and how do i apply it if he doesnt call?.

Lia Tiffany said...

Hi Mirror !

Do you think no contact will work with a man that stated he no longer loves you, after a relationship of 3 years? Sorry if it sounds stupid, but I am completely inexperienced :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Lia Tiffany,
"Do you think no contact will work with a man that stated he no longer loves you, after a relationship of 3 years?"

There's no way to predict that dear. It all depends on the level of the man's interest in the first place. Genuinely interested men return and do the right thing. Half-interested men make a lame attempt to return, but rarely ever take "action" on proving themselves. And men that aren't interested, fade off into the ether.

And the only way to determine which of these he is...is by taking the 30 days and the observing what, if any, his next actions are. (Not words, actions - meaning, not what he says he'll do...but what he actually does, while you're not lifting a finger for him.)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Cassy,
"he started withdrawing and being very distant, everytime i called and asked him what was wrong and why he's suddenly changed, he wont admit anything and still kept being cold and distant."

When a man withdraws, the answer is NOT to advance on him (pursue him). The answer is for you to mirror his behavior and do as he's doing, pull back. If you do this, you give the man the space he's signaling he needs and you also get to see just how interested he is. This way, you're not applying more pressure that will push him further away and make his decision for him, you are backing off, giving space and seeing if he misses you or not. If he doesn't, then you know not to waste anymore time. If he does, at that point THAT'S when he'll be ready to talk.

"i would call and ask if he really loves me, why he's changed, why he's nt always calling, if he wants to break up and all and each time i did that he'd say i should stop asking him such questions"

In this case, he's right dear. When things are bad, applying pressure only makes them worse :-( You don't want to give the impression that you're desperate, and you don't want to give the impression that you have no life and that the one you do have revolves solely around this man. Men are attracted to confidence and independence in women. You need to remain confident and independent instead of signaling the wrong impression of insecure and dependent, ya' know?

"I started explaining to him that i havent asked him about his job-hunting because i felt he was going to get depressed and feel pressured and i didnt want that"

Think about this for a sec dear...you don't want to make him feel depressed and pressured about a job - yet that's what you're doing with him regarding the relationship. Get what I'm saying? All those questions and the release of all your anxiety on him through those questions is actually injecting negativity and pressure into the relationship and onto him, ya' know?

"he complained bitterly abt how he hates the way i complain and nag him everytime, bt i couldnt stop it cos i was doing all that to get him to act right as i didnt know what i did to make him change again"

You can't control others dear. You cannot change them. You cannot make them act right. You have to accept them for who they are, and if you love them, you give them the space and time they need. You need to support them. Plowing forward to get your way won't do you any good. And if the man doesn't change, you need to accept that you cannot control that. You can't control others dear, only your reaction to them. So when someone has changed and it's not making you happy...you don't try to force your way onto them. Instead, you accept that they are not the right person for you, and that the situation isn't working, and you walk away from them. That's the only thing you can control...whether you stay or whether you leave. And when someone isn't making you happy, you leave. You don't stay and try to "fix" them, because that's a fruitless effort that will only do more damage.

"what do i do to get him back and make him know i care about him a lot more than he knows"

Well again dear, you cannot control others - only your reaction to them. You cannot make him come back. You cannot make him love you. You cannot make him want a relationship with you. HE has to WANT that too, ya' know?

"Will the no-contact rule work here and how do i apply it if he doesnt call?"

There are no guarantees in life dear. It may work, it may not. It all depends on the level of interest he has. You apply it by not contacting him for 30 days, and if he doesn't call within that time frame or thereafter..then you have your answer - and it's time to move on.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your reply, MoA. But i just feel like i wasnt so much of a good girlfriend and my behaviour was the reason for the breakup. Making it look like my only interest was in the relationship made him see me as selfish but everything i did was with good intentions..he just believes i dont care abt him and will ditch him when i wait and see nothing forthcoming based on his career and thats why i dnt bother asking him abt his job-hunting. I'm just wondering if there's anything i can do differently to make my ex-boyfriend realise i only meant well and give our relationship a 2nd chance. Like i'd like to know if there are any simple steps on how to get an ex-boyfriend back if you were the one at fault.. Thank you @Cassy

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror
THis is anonymous who wrote to you on Aug 18th regarding the taurean guy I met. As i wrote to u earlier, he came back himself on chat and contacted me saying Hi and denied blocking me. He said his phone was under repair. The loaner phone had no apps. Well, then he regularly chatted with me. Kept on telling he wants to meet up with me soon as he is choked with school work now. When I asked him whether he never got interested with any other girls, he told me that I was someone special to him and he can never do that.Well he then asked me the same question and I like an idiot answered same.Our conversations became much more intimate and affectionate and he promised that when we meet he will tell me everything about what stress is going on in his life. Again, he also told me that he was burnt so many times that he really finds it difficult to trust anyone. When i said its the same for me, he said that he is not someone to me but someone special. Even before he went back home for a family funeral, he texted me early morning that he will get in touch as soon as he comes back which he did. Immediately the very same day after he came back last weekend.However, I kind of blew it up.Yesterday, he mentioned that his phone is again giving problems and he needs to go repair it. Well then, I told him that his number is not reachable at all. He then immediately called me and asked me what message it gives.Then I confronted him like an idiot asking why he keeps constantly changing skype names every week and why he didnt reply to my email which I sent him when I couldnt chat with him.He immediately checked his email and said it went to spam and joked with me that I am trying to spam him.But after the skype thing I asked , he said he likes changing his skype names according to the disney characters he likes and there is nothing much to it.After that, he asked me to come over chat and immediately lashed at me saying that I am always accusing him that he is hiding. and that it is a big mistake that he wanted to get close to me as I am very difficult to deal with.He said that He cant even have his own skype names. We can cut contacts and just be colleagues and he is going to delete chat as he used it only for me. Well i apologized so many times . But to no use. He came out of chat and deleted
it. I am in tears now as just before my confrontation he kept telling that i am someone special he wants and longs to be with.Why did I blow it up? I am not contacting him anyway back as i know its not right to run behind a guy no matter how much you love him esp when he is angry. But i really want him back. It was my fault this time.At the same time, dont want to contact common friends in order to contact him as it will make him more angry. Do u think he will ever come back after his anger gets to bay.How can I ever get him back?They say that distance creates affection which it did last time for him.He went head over heels for me. How do i make him go back to that situation again? Pl. advice me Mirror.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 22, 12:35 PM,
"i'd like to know if there are any simple steps on how to get an ex-boyfriend back if you were the one at fault"

No dear, I don't have any hard, fast rules for winning exes back....because I don't believe in that sort of thing. I don't believe you can force people to do what you want them to do, when you want them to do it. I believe that time heals all wounds...and that time and space also make people realize that they miss and care for others. I don't believe pleading, begging, pressuring or "do, do, doing" works.

I believe that when things are meant to be - they will be. And that when you take time and space apart, if you truly do care for one another, you will miss each other. And when you realize that you miss that other person and that you do care for them, you will circle back around to talk at that time...once everyone's emotions have leveled out again, once the other realizes they miss and care for you, and once the other is finally ready to talk about that - the two will come together, if it was meant to be.

I believe that when people try to force things before others are ready or have even had a chance to miss them...they can actually make things worse and drive the other individual even further away from them.

You've already apologized. You've already explained yourself. Doing more of the same - will NOT yield different results. The definition of insanity dear, is doing the same thing over and over and over...and expecting different results.

So what I would suggest is that you accept the way things are. Take a step back and give him plenty of room to breath, to process HIS emotions, and to MISS YOU. If you permit that emotional process to take place, and this man realizes that, in spite of what happened he still cares for you and misses you...then eventually, he'll reach out to see if things can be repaired. If you give this a month or two and that doesn't happen, then you can "tap" him if you like just to start a general conversation and see if he's receptive to that or not. But I would NOT do that without letting at least a month pass so that HE can process HIS emotions regarding this situation, and get in touch with how HE feels. Trying to force him to do any of that before he's ready...will only likely backfire and push him even further away...because he's going to feel like you're not taking HIS emotions into consideration, you're not giving him time and space that he needs, and you're only doing this to make yourself feel better, ya' know? If you proceed right now, he's going to feel like this is all about you again, because his wishes are not being abided by, ya' know? I don't think now is the time to attempt to pressure him into reconciling, ya' know? If you do that, you risk upsetting him severely.

Naturally, you're free to do as you please dear. But relationships that are meant to be can weather these storms. And giving others space and time to experience their feelings for you is actually a good thing, and can pull couples closer together. Trying to force things and people to move at your pace however, is dangerous territory, particularly when they're already upset at you for doing so. So if it were me, I would not consider doing that at this time. I would instead give him time to miss me, time to experience his feelings for me, and time to possibly circle back around to initiate a talk or a reconciliation when he's ready.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

Does no contact work on players? We've dated for 5 months and he became distant after 3 months and started talking to other girls. I express my feelings of his withdrawal and he became more distant and didn't really take my feelings into consideration. It was a long distance relationship (we seen each other 6 times in that 5 months period). He told me he loved me and I was the one 2 months into the relationship. I found out he was emotionally cheating on me which he apologizes and said he would try hard to have open communication with me. That didn't happen and I broke up with him because I became anxious and was questioning his every move and whether he was talking to anyone which he denied. I didn't like the person i was becoming. Next day i told him i want to give us another try which he said he's not sure since it's not healthy for me and he would have to think abt it. We still talk (mostly text) after for 2 weeks after that conversation and i once again call him out why he's putting me on the edge and still cold to me. He told me i'm demanding and that he needed space. So 2 weeks into NC i message him and he responded very cold and i sent him another message next day telling him that his silence basically tells me that it's over between us and i accepted it and i wish him the best of luck in finding his dream girl. I don't think he read the message but that's fine. I think i boosted his ego by sending him that message. I believed he has a new "victim" and in a way i'm insulted and foolish for believing his words. however, i felt a relieve after sending him that message; i will no longer wait for him to give me that answer which i knew deep down inside. What do you think? Do you think he will contact me? Day 2 of NC since i message him over the wknd. The only thing that keeps me going is thinking karma will get him one day.

Anonymous said...

Hello MOA. Please bear with my language as I am not native. I've been reading your website for years and its really great. Reason I am writing here is obviously a man. I met him online couple of years ago. Classic story, few dates he disappeared, reappeared. I have to take responsibility of what happened because at that time I just wanted something casual, I was still quite angry, hurt woman and I had an attitude. Its not about blaming myself, just being honest rather. I couldnt see then what I can see now. Im a quite successful, realistic and strong woman. Anyway, I have made many mistakes. I was initiating contact, sent email etc. Thats because I simply didnt know what to do. I dont want to bore you with my story as you have had thousands of identical ones here. That man reappeared recently. After almost one year of total absence. I still made mistake replying to him almost straight away. It was just silly chit chat. I sort of 'forgot' how to react. I dont want to ask questions can i have him back. I have gone quiet and applied NC now 23 days. Its still painful but not as bad as it was. Its difficult to get him out of my head but I have been working on it. I have been working very hard MOA and hopefully Im almost there. I know all answers MOA but I feel so stupid at the same time. Let me tell you why. Well before i met that guy me and my friend met a clairvoyant (I know, sounds silly). I never treated fortune tellers seriously. The woman came and she said she doesnt use cards she speaks to spirits instead. I laughed my head off inside me but i was thinking ok lets carry on. She told me in few years im going to meet a man in navy blue uniform. That man will be very high socially, financially and professionally,he will be much higher than me, and I am going to have daughter to him. Thats in the nutshell MOA. I forgot about that entirely. Couple of years later I met him. I never remembered my fortune teller story until he revealed who he is. Man in navy blue uniform working in the sky lol. MOA I feel at times Im going insane. Im not even sure why Im writing to you. Maybe for you to tell me Im not completely out of order lol, Thank you for all your help.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 22, 2:43 PM,
"Why did I blow it up?"

I don't necessarily believe that you did dear. I think what may have actually happened here is...you caught him acting shady on a regular basis, he gave excuses for it, you weren't really buying those excuses and - he realized he'd been caught. He realized that he couldn't fool you with flowery words anymore and excuses...and as a result, he cut ties (because he realized he couldn't manipulate you).

When players get caught in their own lies and questionable behavior, and they don't have good answers for it, this is what they do dear - they leave. Because they realize they've met a woman that they cannot fool with excuses.

"They say that distance creates affection which it did last time for him.He went head over heels for me. How do i make him go back to that situation again?"

You just answered your own question dear. You said distance creates affection, and it worked before. Which means that if you want that situation back....distance is the answer and the only thing that may bring that situation back. BUT...if this man comes back, don't be so quick to accept his excuses for all this shady behavior of his. While I understand that sometimes things happen...when you start to see a pattern of the same behavior repeated over and over again - that's a big red flag dear :-(

Anonymous said...

we can easily apply no contact but i want to know how to text someone after no contact period ( when you feel it was your fault that things ended ) what sort of text shall we send to start a new conversation

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 23, 10:22 AM,
"what sort of text shall we send to start a new conversation"

The answer is in the article dear. Read the section titled, "When A Man Suddenly Disappears On You OR When You Want Your Ex Back."

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 23, 4:35 AM,
"Does no contact work on players?"

There are no guarantees in life dear. It all depends on the level of interest the man has. If he's genuinely interested, he'll circle around. If he's not, he won't. And as much as I hate to say this, generally speaking, no this will not probably work on a player :-(

Why? Because players are generally NOT genuinely interested in a real relationship with the woman...they're serial daters, dating many women in rotation, that are usually just seeking sex and interested in nothing more than brief, shallow hookups.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 23, 6:06 AM,
Well, while these things can, and I believe do happen, it doesn't necessarily mean that he's the man in the blue suit, ya' know? Sure, upon first glance he appears to fit the bill. But the relationship itself appears not to be a match for a couple who's going to bear a child together. Meaning, things are not really lining up here naturally and organically for that to happen.

So that tells me that the man in blue is probably still on his way. This one may have been a "ringer" for that man, or a trial preparation...but it doesn't appear he's "that" man. So I wouldn't try to force him to be. Instead, I'd keep moving forward with my life, making plenty of room for the man in blue to reveal himself when the time is right ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror
This is anonymous who wrote to you on September 22nd. I asked this guy regarding why he has not found someone from his new class.He mentioned that even though there are lots of girls around, no one can share the space me and him had. I am always his special friend. Also, while we were chatting about how difficult for a woman with a kid to get a single guy nowadays, he was talking about how a colleague liked him.Well then I asked him why he didnt like her. He said that at that time he had a long distance relationship with a girl and also he considers his colleague like a sister although she is nice and beautiful. Then I asked him what changed with me?He said that he found me really hot to resist and he saw that I was very nice and caring person.He then LOL and winked and told me that not every friend or colleague can become someone special in ur heart.He then added that his close friends are still in touch with him when he gets back home and as a friend he is really supportive.I realized that day that he is not a player and doesent settle with every or any woman.He texted me once that he doesent want any woman if I didnot exist. He added that somehow
he got closer to me and can never share that space with anyone.
Then I asked him about his GF issue. I asked whether he believes she will come back. He said that he doesent think so and that he only speaks once in a month to her. Even the other colleagues in his batch said the same thing. So I guess he is not lying.Also, he added that they will part ways once he finishes his studies.All this made me think that they both have probably mutually agreed to support each other even though things might not work out. At the same time he is insecure about this set up and really wants to move on. He wants someone to be affectionate and loving and caring to be with him.He used to get upset even if I text 'I hate u' casually.He will ask me back that why i am texting him like that and whether i hate him.I have to txt him back that i am joking. Well I thought that I can probably get him closer to me by showing him the care he wants. That's what I did.I guess it would happen that way once we get even much closer.Already now, I realized on that day he lashed out at me that he had the chat website only for me. He mentioned that to me before deleting it.He wanted to chat with me more than his GF. I remember that he used to go even at 4 am in the morning to see if I had texted him or come online. Even till the very last day, he used to come every 40 min- 1 hr to check if i texted him.Even while doing school work , he will constantly chat with me.I thought he was always thinking of me.When you are in a guy's mind so much, dont u think he really has some feelings somewhere for u but confused now to accept it?Do u think all this will prompt him to get curious after a while to come back to me if i stay silent? I am asking you all this questions as my mind tells prob he will come back. At the same time he deleted the chat.Sometimes i feel he will move on. But then thinking back all the moments we shared, he will come as if he is also addicted to chat, he will also miss me like I do. He has my phone number and even my address which he was trying to map the last day to see how far i live from him.I am a confident and strong person but I really want him back mirror. As I saw a caring and nice side of him too which yearned love. Kindly advice me regarding the questions and whether you think he will make an attempt to get back to me.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 23, 9:09 PM,
"When you are in a guy's mind so much, don't u think he really has some feelings somewhere for u but confused how to accept it?"

You can't assume that dear. You don't know if those are romantic feelings, friendly feelings, or simply a lonely human being longing for attention. And even more importantly, you can't project what YOU may think onto another. Because we're all very different - men and women are very different. When a woman's emotions become involved, we tend to assume that those same romantic notions are taking place in the other individual simply because they're devoting time to us. But that isn't always the case. As I stated above, sometimes they're just being friendly, sometimes they're just lonely, sometimes they're just bored, sometimes they're using the other individual, sometimes they just want a text buddy...point is - you never know, and you can't assume.

"Do u think all this will prompt him to get curious after a while to come back to me if i stay silent? Kindly advice me regarding the questions and whether you think he will make an attempt to get back to me."

There's no way of predicting that with a guarantee dear. The reality is that it all depends on the man's level of interest. Genuinely interested men do tend to circle back. Players tend to make one or two lame attempts and then disappear when they realize they're going to have to work to prove themselves. And men who are not interested romantically tend to just fade off and disappear. So it really depends on the level of interest the man has.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror, I was hoping I could get some of your wonderful input on a situation Im in because for the first time ever a guy has me SO confused, I don't even know up from down. Me and this guy have been friends for a long time. We have never hung out just us, But we see each other a lot at parties and friendly get together. I always knew that this guy liked me a little tiny bit But he has never said anything. This year I realized that I actually have a crush on him too. So we both started talking to each other a lot more. From the way he was talking and acting, I knew he still liked me. I then was dropping big hints that I had a thing for him too. However, he has yet to asked me if I want to hangout ever. We finally end up seeing each other at a party, and he becomes very flirty with me. Putting his arm around my waist or shoulders. And I allow this. I flirt back a bit as well. However as the night moved on, he became more drunk. I started to pull back a little. I wanted to make sure his actions were real and not due to drunkines. He remained snuggly up until I left. Here is the part that is confusing me: After this party he completely changed. The next day he texted me talking about his hangover, and I said I was glad he made it home Ok, and then said I enjoyed getting to hangout with him. (Said that so he knew that I was still interested even though I started to put my guard up later in the night cause he was drunk) He says nothing after that, and stops talking to me. Now Im sit here completely puzzled. From the way he talks with me and the close flirting at the party, I don't understand the quick stop in communication. He went from making it obvious that he likes me, to acting like we are barely even friends. He has never made any direct or real moves on me yet and neither one of us has yet to let the other one know we like each other. So then why the cold treatment? I've been sitting here waiting for him to ask me out. To make a move, and he hasn't. I have given him a couple green lights to allow him to figure out "Oh, I think she likes me too!" Yet nothing.

A guy friend of mine told me that I am being lazy and that if I want to go out with the guy, then I should ask him out on a date and stop waiting around. Considering that I gave the guy all the hints in the world, and He's not acted on any of them, I don't feel comfortable to then go ask him out.

All and all Im left Feeling super confused. I don't understand all the flirting and touching to result in him still never making THE move. Ontop of that to change into barely wanting to talk to that person the next day and the days that follow. What gives? Im so confused.

Anonymous said...

Dear Moa! Love your blog and your insights! You are amazing to give us ladies objective advice at times when in the midst of emotional turmoil we sometimes cannot see the man or situation for what it really is. Now I do need some impartial advice too....

I was living in a foreign country when about 5 months ago I met a man there. We are in our late 20s and we soon started seeing each other. Things went fine for a couple of months, we went out on dates and were also intimate a couple of times. Then I had to move back to my home country but we agreed to be in touch and see each other again at some point. We are not a relationship yet since we were seeing each other only for 2 months and then I left country and 2 months are just not enough to start a LDR so we didnt talk about exclusivity either (though we were exclusive in those 2 months) but have kept in touch and been talking almost every day since I left. I didnt have high expectations since we are a really long way from each other and it was only a bit less than 2 months of dating, so we were both kinda like we will see what happens.

About a month ago we talked about seeing each other again and theres a country in Europe in between us that we both really wanted to visit so we talked about possibilities of meeting up there and spend a week together, but did not make concrete plans or book tickets at that point because he said his work will be really busy the next month, so we should come back to it at the end of october and plan the trip then. I left it there and we didnt talk about it any more. Two days ago when we were chatting on fb, I just hinted the idea how great it would be to see each other especially in that country and he said yes, he would really love to but he is just "very busy now with everything going on". Then we just went on to talk about other stuff.

Anonymous said...

continued by @anonymous:

Then yesterday a very strange thing happened....he wasnt online on fb or any other site we use the whole day, which is very unusual of him. Then at night one of his friends tagged him in a post which basically said that they are in that country (that we both want to visit and agreed that we could meet up there) on holiday having fun and how awesome it is and it was a long flight but was worth it and all that....
I was totally shocked... There was like 5 other people tagged in that post (males and females). Did he really go to that country without teling me?? Why didnt he tell me about it? Why hide this? And why did he say work is extremely busy this month?? I wanted to text him and ask for an explanation but then I got so turned off and changed my mind. I just decided to wait. A couple of hours later (as soon as he got online), he deleted this post!! And he even changed his fb wall so that nobody can post anything on it any more (earlier he had a setting that allowed anybody to post on his wall). I assume he deleted the post bc he doesnt want me to know he is on holiday in that country with his friends and changed his timeline settings so that no other people can post any more info or tag him. But I am just assuming.
Im so confused and he hasnt been in contact for more than a day now. I didnt contact him either....Im thinking about going no contact and even if he texts I do not want to respond...Im so disappointed...He could have just told me he wants to go on holiday with his friends instead or someone else or break it off with me but this...what is this? He is a coward.

But at the same time, and maybe Im just trying to find excuses for him, we are not in a relationship so he doesnt really owe me an explanation. He can do whatever he wants to...but why telling me that he is extremely busy at work and we cannot meet up this month?? It is so shady...Maybe hes been planning this trip for a long time and I feel like a fool now for thinking we would meet up. He could have invited me for this trip if he had really wanted to see me as much as he claimed.

What do you think about this Moa? Shall I go no contact or shall I ask for some explanation? I do not want to text him at all, but I think he will contact me soon maybe with some lies...I just feel confused.
Thank you for your advice and insights!! xx

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

My ex of 10 years wanted to get back after 6 months. We talked abt why he wanted to get back and his reason was that he missed me and he wanted to give it a try. He asked me if i ever thought abt getting back and i told him no because of how things ended with us. We hung out and talk abt getting back on Sunday and I didn't give him an answer. I did tell him that i have been going on dates. On Monday he called and i told him i grew a lot over 6 months and that if we do get back i want to make sure we get back for a good reason. he then suggest okay we both are different now we should go on dates and see how things turn on. We planned to have a date Friday (today) and on Friday morning i saw he text me that it's not necessary for us to go on dates because i didn't think abt getting back with him and i see him as an option. I explained to him that's not what i meant that i want to get back for the right reason and for him to expect me to jump to his arm when he suggested is not right. i sent his 4 long messages explaining that i did want to get back and that i miss him. He didn't respond to the last two. I'm pissed that he was the one that initiated the contact then to leave me heart broken again. I'm determine to use NC on him and move on. What is the point of wanting to go back and then changing his mind after? I don't think he was genuine of getting back. I think he missed me but probably my questions (why you think things would work out this time since it didn't back then...etc) made him realize things he didn't? What do you think mirror? He actually apologized for how things ended between us and to turn around and did this to me makes me think he's such a jerk. I was fine and now i'm back to being miserable again. I was going to tell him yes let's work things out but it's like a brand new rejection. He said that let the good memories stays and that any more communication between is going to be bad and to say goodbye for now. WTHECK? What makes he think that i'm okay with this??? I think he's is sooo selfish for doing this.

Troubled Virgo :) said...

Hello dearest MOA!
I’ve been reading your blog posts & comments diligently for the past few months. Tonight I just feel a bit disillusioned and like I want to give up on my hope of finding a boyfriend that actually loves and cherishes me. I’m a virgo and just turned 26 recently. My first love was a cancer, we dated from about 18-21.5, but were immature and finally called it quits because I just didn’t find him that fun and I didn’t want to see him every day. He has tried to get me back many times since then even though I’ve been quite dismissive. Just recently I had a non-sexual 3-month “relationship” with an insecure, emotionally unavailable Taurus. I ended it with him in February or March.. Can’t recall.. And he still hasn’t messaged me to even say hi. Granted I was too nice to him, but I would have thought he would at least strike up a convo. I think I bruised his ego that already had baggage from his childhood and first love. Anyway, I clearly have not been successful in love. My family and myself don’t entirely understand why-- I get compliments on my looks, I had high grades in university, and I have quite a sincere, open heart that falls in love quickly and deeply. Unfortunately I extremely critical of myself. I remember all the “negs” that the 2 boyfriends ever said to me, and ruminate on them. I majored in psychology and read self-improvement articles every day, but I am a perfectionist and it bothers me if someone doesn’t chase me or compliment me.

Troubled Virgo :) said...

The fact that Taurus hasn’t even sent me a quick text in all these months makes me feel very sad because I feel rejected even though I dumped him over text and refused to meet with him to discuss it because I felt disappointed in him. He had come on very strong but when he saw that I was smitten [I hadn’t read your website yet, oops] he wanted to have sex around the 3 month mark, well so did I. But the night we were supposed to I had to cancel and he took great offense for some reason because he started dropping more negs and I had had enough so dumped him over text. He would text me quite literally non-stop for 3 months and wanted to see me every day [I only allowed us to go on 1 date a week though-- honestly, he was not that fun]. I think I liked the idea of him more than him-- along with his potential. Of course I know that you have to look at the guy for what he truly was. Still ticks me off though-- he always pretended to be really confident but I know he wasn’t so he probably is simply trying to stick it to me that he never cared. I think he must have cared a little to introduce me to his friends, he wanted me to meet his family but I thought it was too early, etc.

So anyway, online dating-- well Tinder-- has proved to be a complete waste of time. If the guy is attractive he is not interesting or dumb as a brick. If he’s interesting then he’s not attractive. And if I actually am interested and play a little hard to get they move on because the other girls on the site are probably just looking for a quick hook-up [like most of the guys I would imagine] so why would they bother courting me properly. I think I just don’t get out of the house enough-- and when I do, guys seem to be intimidated, even if I smile. I’m not about to be the aggressor and approach them-- so I never get approached-- except by unattractive guys that ‘have nothing to lose’ in my opinion. I also never go to the bar.

Troubled Virgo :) said...

Now I’ve been reading online lately that when a woman is over 25 she no longer has many options, is suddenly not attractive, gets desperate, nobody wants her, guys go for much younger, blah blah blah. The internet is a cruel place. I probably should stop googling, lol. I will be more than financially secure when I find a job so I certainly won’t bother with settling-- I’d rather be single! Unfortunately I do feel a bit sad when I see couples having fun-- of course you never know how happy they truly are, but some must be. I’m sorry for this pathetic and long-winded rant about nothing, but you always have some nugget of wisdom that brightens my day so I wanted to hear your thoughts. I’m sure some other readers can relate to my story. I think the younger generations are increasingly superficial and rather than working on a relationship they would rather just “trade in for a new model”. I think I just need to quit Tinder because it’s as shallow as it gets-- and probably does not attract the kind of genuine man I would want a relationship with. You’re probably thinking that I can’t manifest or find a good relationship because I’m still hung up on Taurus-- but I see him for what he truly is-- I know he’s not Prince Charming. I wouldn’t marry him unless he drastically changed, which is highly unlikely. I think if I met my version of the ‘Perfect Guy’ I would be ready to employ all the techniques I have learned from your posts. Unfortunately, I have not met him, and I’m 26. And if he’s going to be nearly “perfect” won’t he have tons of options? Including younger ones? I actually look younger than I am-- perhaps I should lie about my age, lol. I don’t even care about having children-- but having a husband could be a fun life experience. But I’m always hearing that the good ones are all taken by 30-- and aren’t guys supposed to date about 3-4 years younger because of the differences in our emotional maturity? Seems like at this rate I will only have the option of having a well-rounded, “perfect” guy if he is divorced or has a child. I should mention-- I’m quite good at pretending I am very happy and confident and don’t have a care in the world-- so I don’t think I project desperation & anxiety when I meet guys. Anyway, thanks for all that you do! And if you tell me to forget finding a husband and to just buy a dog-- I won’t take offense at all. I actually insisted my [now-deceased] dog sleep in my bed when I was 21 so when Cancer slept over one time he was so uncomfortable he actually went ahead and slept on the floor lol! Dogs are the best :P Ciao bella!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 25, 8:58 AM,
"I don't understand the quick stop in communication"

He wants you to throw yourself at him dear. He's playing "the game." It's like tapping you on the shoulder and then running away, hoping that you'll give chase.

And when men do that, it's not good. Because it signals a few things about them:

1) They're lazy about dating and women.
2) They expect the WOMAN to do all the WORK.
3) They're used to be chased.
4) They're used to getting their way with women.
5) They're not the type to "man up" and take the lead.

And ultimately, what all of the above usually ends up leading to...is a big disappointment. The man disappoints the woman ultimately, even if she throws herself at him, chases him and lands him. In the end, he'll eventually disappoint the woman because....he'll never man up, never take the lead, always expect the woman to do the work to keep the relationship going, and never fulfill the woman's emotional needs...because he's investing very little, while the woman's investing a ton.

"A guy friend of mine told me that I am being lazy and that if I want to go out with the guy, then I should ask him out on a date and stop waiting around."

See what I mean? Other men instinctively KNOW what this behavior means. They KNOW the guy expects YOU to take the lead and be the man, take the masculine role (of leadership), while the man hangs back and acts like a woman, taking the passive role of "submitting" to the woman's lead.

If you chase, yea you may get him. Sure, you may have sex with him, and yea, he may date you for a month or two. But ultimately, after a while of that, after a while of YOU being the sole investor in the relationship to keep it afloat...you WILL become disappointed in the man. You will start to question why he's not investing as much as you. And you WILL start to question his behavior, his intentions, his motivations - and whether or not he is genuinely interested in you.

As a result, I do not advocate chasing men, pursuing them, taking the lead role or doing the work to make something happen. Because even if you do that, chances are, you'll end up questioning everything in the end and feeling used :-(

"I don't understand all the flirting and touching to result in him still never making THE move."

Sounds like a potential "player" dear - a man that's used to getting his way with women, sitting back and doing nothing while the woman does all the work. It's a "power play."

"Ontop of that to change into barely wanting to talk to that person the next day and the days that follow. What gives?"

It's "the game" dear. Which is why I believe he's a potential player. It's the equivalent of throwing what they call a "neg" at you, to make you feel inferior - so that you try harder - so that THEY hold the power in the relationship, always making you feel as if you need to invest more and do more:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/05/what-is-the-game-pick-up-artist.html

Men use this gag all the time dear. Here's a man that wrote about it:

http://emmyboy.hubpages.com/hub/how-to-play-mind-games-on-women

"Suddenly stop calling her...Talking to her in monosyllables and the Silent Treatment...Refusing to give her usual expected compliments...Becoming secretive"

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 26, 5:25 AM,
"What do you think about this Moa? Shall I go no contact or shall I ask for some explanation?"

If it were me, I wouldn't respond to his contacts. If you do, it'll only lead to confrontation - because in a sense, this was a "lie by omission." Meaning, he's omitted facts here. And yes, while he's free to do as he pleases, let's face it - this has broken trust. And trust is necessary, in friendships, working relationships, romantic ones, etc.

I agree with you, his behavior here has been very shady. And deleting that post says an awful lot - about his intention to perpetuate this lie about where he's at right now. And while yes, maybe he did this because he didn't want to hurt you, it's still not how you treat a friend or otherwise. It's cowardly and it's deceitful. And if he's keeping this from you, what else is he keeping, ya' know?

His actions here are telling you something dear - listen to what they're telling you, you don't need to hear it from him, and you don't need him to explain - his actions are speaking loud and clear. And more importantly, listen to your own feelings about how his actions are making you feel. The reason to be with another is because of how they make you feel. And when a man is no longer making you feel special, important or a priority...you should remove yourself from him. Because he's no longer adding anything positive to your life, he's actually taking away the positive and causing lots of negativity. And no one enjoys being around someone or having someone in their life that causes them grief and negativity and self-doubt :-(

So in this case, I'd follow your feelings. And right now, he's making you feel umimportant and deceived. He's not showing you courtesy, he's attempting to pull the wool over your eyes. He should not be rewarded for that with more of your time and attention right now.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 26, 10:51 PM,
He is selfish dear, and he expected to be able to walk right back into your life, without lifting a damn finger for you. Which is why when these men return, it's crucial that the woman force the man to PROVE that he's genuinely interested...through his ACTIONS...and not a bunch of BS WORDS alone.

When he saw that he was going to have to WORK at this, and PROVE himself...he bolted. And that says a lot. This is how you sniff out those who are genuinely interested and willing to do the work of proving themselves from those that are lazy, expectant and entitled dear. So if nothing else, holding back on him actually worked to show you that he's not willing to properly invest in a relationship and do the work necessary to compromise to make one work :-(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Troubled Virgo,
"I majored in psychology...I am a perfectionist and it bothers me if someone doesn’t chase me or compliment me"

Then I probably don't have to tell you dear, that when you need others to lift you up and fulfill you...it's because you cannot do that for yourself, due to low self-esteem :-(

You don't need acknowledgment from others to feel good about yourself. You love yourself, you be good to yourself. Others can add to that, but they should not be the sole providers of that, ya' know?

"I’ve been reading online lately that when a woman is over 25 she no longer has many options, is suddenly not attractive, gets desperate, nobody wants her, guys go for much younger, blah blah blah"

Careful where you get your information dear. That is such a bunch of horse crap. I mean, who writes crap like that? Do they even live in the real world? Are they even around women of the age of 25 to see the reality? Or do they just buy into all the stereotypes out there lock, stock and barrel?

There are literally MILLIONS of people on this planet over the age of 25 that are single - so do the math. Do you honestly think options are limited after that math is done? The facts just don't add up. I mean, yea, your immediate social circle from childhood, high school or college might be marrying off and settling down, therefore, reducing your options in your IMMEDIATE social circle...but seriously...the world is full of single people over the age of 25. And this crap about men only dating 20 year old's is sooooo 30 years ago.

Here's what I've seen dear. I'm 43. I've seen men my age date a 20 year old...for a few months, only to end up running away from her because of not being able to relate in the long run and also because of all the frenetic energy and emotions that tend to take place in women of that age - only to end up marrying someone their own age within a 2 year span afterwards.

Hell, one guy I dated several years back ended up telling me he had a 2 year affair with a 24 year old behind his wife's back while she was carrying their second child (and yea, all interest in him plummeted to the ground with a thud the very moment I heard that LOL). Told me this girl was waiting for him to leave his wife and marry her. And you know what he did when he got divorced? Two years later, when the ink was barely dry on his divorce certificate - he married a woman HIS OWN AGE that had 4 CHILDREN of her own from a previous marriage.

Another guy I dated several years back (and funny thing gals, both these dudes were Aries LOL), told me he spent 2 years with a 25 year old - and this chick drove him nuts. So much so, that he broke up with her because of the emotional instability and chaos it caused. Told me that in theory, dating a much younger woman sounded great, but in reality, it was a nightmare. And trying to reason with her was equally as stressful because she didn't have the life experience or the wisdom that comes with that to rationally think things through and communicate properly to reach a resolution. And you know what? He hasn't dated anyone except women within 5 years his own age range since.

I have many more stories like that dear. I won't bore you with them all. But THAT'S the reality. The stuff you're reading, is the stereotypes of 30 years ago.

Cont...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"You’re probably thinking that I can’t manifest or find a good relationship because I’m still hung up on Taurus"

No...I think you're in the same boat that many other women here are in dear - you simply haven't met the RIGHT man yet. You've met lots of men, the WRONG ones. It's just that the RIGHT one hasn't shown up yet is all.

And my theory behind that is that you have to date the turds first, so that when the RIGHT one shows up - you recognize him IMMEDIATELY. Because you don't know what's good, until you've experienced what's bad.

"And if he’s going to be nearly “perfect” won’t he have tons of options?"

He won't be perfect for everyone dear, no one is, but he WILL be perfect for YOU. If we were all perfect through and through, we'd all be Gods. And we're not, we're mere humans, and therefore, flawed. It's about meeting the RIGHT man for YOU, not a perfect man in the eyes of the world.

"I’m always hearing that the good ones are all taken by 30"

Are you hearing about the one's that are all divorced by 40 LOL ;-)

"Dogs are the best :P"

I hear ya' dear. Two weeks ago, I lost my BFF. I lost my Rottweiler baby girl to ketoacidosis from undiagnosed Diabetes - and my world has been turned upside down by it.

"There are things you get from the silent devotion of a dog that you can get from no other source."

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 27, 7:16 AM,
"So how do I deal with the situation when he shows up?"

You remain calm, cool, collected, confident and emotionally stable...but VERY busy LOL. You don't give him time or your attention. You don't reward ignorant treatment with your time and attention. If you upset him, I understand that. But to delete you off messenger is beyond what is necessary regarding that situation. Because what is necessary is for him to communicate maturely, like an adult, about his emotions. If he's going to risk the relationship by instead behaving ignorantly, then he must accept the consequences of that rash move...and those consequences are to possibly lose you, or lose access to you.

"what if he tries to get physical, kiss me etc?"

Then you smile, give him a quick peck on the cheek - and excuse yourself, because you've got somewhere to be. You've got people to meet, people to see. Even if you don't, you excuse yourself, get into your car and take off, leaving him without access to you. Thereby signaling to him that if he wants to treat you ignorantly, that's fine, he's within his rights to do so. BUT...there is a consequence to treating others that way. And when he chooses to treat others that way, he's also got to be prepared for the consequence of doing so, instead of taking people for granted, thinking that he can treat them that way and they'll stick around for it regardless.

Anonymous said...

@MOA

Sorry to hear you are going through a rough time with the loss of your Rottweiler baby girl. You are so kind to still make time to help others. I'm sorry for your loss.
-Adriana

Anonymous said...

""Dogs are the best :P"

"I hear ya' dear. Two weeks ago, I lost my BFF. I lost my Rottweiler baby girl to ketoacidosis from undiagnosed Diabetes - and my world has been turned upside down by it."

"There are things you get from the silent devotion of a dog that you can get from no other source.""

Ms. Mirror, I am so sorry for your loss.

I have lost a couple of dogs to illness myself. And it broke my heart each time. It sucks.

I'm pretty sure it's because a dog's love is unconditional. They love you with all their heart and trust you so completely. Dogs are such wonderful, loving, and loyal animals. They do not say a word, do not expect anything from you but SHOW you all the time how much they love you (yes, the complete opposite of some of the men we've been dealing with here!)

Your beloved dog will continue to live in your heart. In the end, I remember my dogs' smiles, their playfulness & silliness, their affectionate nature. I cherish those memories.

Men will come and go (sometimes I wish men were as cute & loveable as dogs, I guess I haven't met the RIGHT one yet.) But my dogs will stay in my heart forever.

With sympathy,
Your Friend

Scorpiolady said...

Hi Mirror and ladies!

Quick update. Not sure where to post but decided on the No Contact page... because I'm kinda implementing NC on Aqua (although it's not really NC when you have no desire to reach out to him, is it? Lol). And it's kind of a fail NC as well... last Thursday a group of us, including him, were in school for a test, after which we had lunch together. When we're all together, it's just a big ball of fun and laughter, like old times. But of course, I can't ignore the fact that things between us have changed and I have learnt to let things go, the way we all were, as good memories I am blessed to have. Honestly, I do think he misses the group with me in it, which of course is not something I'm letting him experience. I think when he comes to school, sometimes he wishes he could see me and we could all hang out.

When I walk away from him, it's not because I don't want to hang around him and be like how we used to... it's because I am sad that he treats me differently from how he used to. I am sad to be treated like a buddy. I am sad that he has the heart to make snide remarks about me. It all boils down to one thing: I cannot accept it. I'm not someone who can do the friends thing with him... at least I'm not yet ready.

Anyway. Later in the day, my friend asked who was going for a trip to a water theme park the coming week. I had already given her my word I would go. Then in the chat, Aqua suddenly asked me if my friend was coming along. Lol. Normally he wouldn't come for these kinds of outings and he's just finding a reason to tag along... and at the same time, being a prick. That's when I realised that the happiness I felt earlier that day as we hung out together, did not belong only to me and had reached him too.

But of course, he continues to be a prick...

Honestly I wish he wouldn't come because I can't really bear to be around him when he treats me so indifferently, and I don't like being around him for even a day because of it. But I know, I can only make the best of the situation! I hope I don't become irritable because of him on that day.

Anyway. Moving on. I had joined a new sport more than a month ago and it's been very rewarding although I don't practice as much as I'd like to or should. I was just having a text conversation with one guy from the sport and amazingly, I find myself adopting a new approach towards guys. I am approaching them on a potential friends first basis, rather than even considering them as a romantic interest. So I do have a slight nonchalance with them. I don't bother about the right thing to say, the right timing to reply them, and sometimes I'm even being silly, like how I text my closest friends... just keepin' real. I find it so freeing. I used to be somewhat anxious about these things... Hmmmm. I find the self-confidence and assurance comes from having a much clearer idea of who I am, my worth and my value is not any less than these guys'. My judgement of myself is not influenced by any other person's perception of myself. I am passionate about my future, about my interests and my beliefs. And I believe in myself. In my interactions with the other person, I hold all those close to my heart and they help me get out of acting out of fear. Instead, I am calm, happy and confident. Feeling free and good must mean I'm heading towards the right direction!

Much love,
Scorpiolady

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Scorpiolady,
"I am sad to be treated like a buddy..I am sad that he has the heart to make snide remarks about me..Aqua suddenly asked me if my friend was coming along..he's just finding a reason to tag along... and at the same time, being a prick"

He sounds emotionally immature and a bit insecure dear :-( And when men seek reassurance, many of them will pull stunts in order to receive it. When they're curious about how people feel, many do not tend to ask or confront as women tend to do. Instead, they pull a stunt, a prank. And your reaction to that stunt then provides their answer and the reassurance they seek.

"I can't really bear to be around him when he treats me so indifferently...I hope I don't become irritable because of him on that day."

Well, I think he's an insecure guy that's seeking reassurance, so he's pushing your buttons in the hopes of garnering a big emotional reaction out of you - which will then make him feel better about himself, giving him the upper hand and the knowledge that you care enough to have your buttons pushed by him, ya' know?

So understand that if you get irritated, he'll read that as "See! I knew it - she still likes me!" And he'll be all proud of himself, and may even become nastier once he realizes that he CAN push your buttons, because he seems immature enough to go there.

So...here's what I'd do if I felt myself getting irritated. I'd remain calm and rational, I would not get emotional. But if it got to the point where him "pecking" at you was obvious and obnoxious - I'd call him out on that - in front of everyone. Normally, I'm not an advocate of confrontation. But in situations such as this, where a man actually begins to bully a woman in order to reassure himself....I feel it's somewhat necessary to take this stance for yourself. Because if you don't, as I said, the bullying could get worse and he could attempt to break you down in public, making you cry.

It's like the little boy on the school yard playground dear, that likes the little girl. But he doesn't tell her this. Instead, he picks on her relentlessly, hits her in the head with a ball, makes her cry - and then laughs with his buddies about it. He's mean to her, because he doesn't know how to garner her attention in a healthy manner, so to save his ego, he goes about garnering her attention through cruel behavior and becomes an aggressor towards her instead.

So if he gets to that point that day, in front of everyone, I would CALMLY face him and simply state, "You must be hurt. Because it's obvious that you need attention and you don't know how to go about getting it in an adult manner."

And then I'd walk away. I would not engage him in ANY additional verbal form. He may lash out. But if he does, keep walking, don't look back and don't respond to it. Just drop a dime on him in front of everyone, calling him out in front of others on his behavior. The others will also most likely see through his little act here, and humbling him in front of them should put him in his place....and also leave him with PLENTY to THINK about regarding his own behavior.

If you do that, you will come out as the mature individual in the situation, and he'll be outed as the immature one - and that should put a stop to any of that behavior from him in the future.

Anonymous said...

My boyfriend and I recently stopped communication. We had a falling out, he old me not to text him. I knew I shouldn't have responded but I did. Then I completely stopped communication. I had the last word in the situation and haven't heard from him since. It's been a week. How do I know this no contact rule will work if I was the last one to send the text and didn't get a response.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 29,12:28 PM,
"How do I know this no contact rule will work if I was the last one to send the text and didn't get a response."

You will have to wait the 30 days of no contact/no response...and see if he circles around again, although there are no guarantees in life - whether or not this works all depends on the interest level the man has.

Scorpiolady said...

Dear Mirror,

I think you're right, he's immature and insecure. I didn't want to think that of him but I suppose he is. When he tried to get attention from several girls and texting all of them at the same time, I was running that through my head... did he really like them and enjoy talking to ALL of them or did he need the reassurance THAT much? Was he also trying to hurt me? Because he couldn't be bothered to hide the fact that he's texting ALLL these girls and I suspect, was he trying to put up a show in front of me? Maybe not consciously, but subconsciously? Because it's weird why anyone would go through all that trouble... just to seek reassurance, just to push my buttons? I don't believe going through that much effort is worth the effect he's trying to have.

And he's been mean to me several times, in that nonchalant, ignorant manner... and oftentimes I'd refuse to budge, and I react in a way that's "unreactive" to him. For example, if he would walk really quickly and not be bothered about me, I would not quicken my speed but continue strolling. Sometimes I'd even get "lost". In a way, I'm being vindictive in my own way. Mostly I try my best to ignore him when he makes these little attempts to be a prick but there are times when I am inevitably irritated, hurt, angry, etc... and even if I am "ignoring" him, I still get into a bad mood. I didn't confront him, not because I am afraid to but because I didn't want to act as if I notice and I care especially when he acts like he doesn't care as well.

My guy friends have told him off before about his behavior.

Anyway, I am planning to be unreactive to him and show that if he intends to be so irritating, I am definitely not going to give him any attention. Am planning to show my back to him. We'll see how it goes on that day. If anything happens, I'll keep you updated :-)

Could he really still be putting in the effort and trouble to affect me? Because I can't believe it... logically it makes no sense and aren't guys supposed to be very logical, especially someone like him who wouldn't put in effort for anybody? :-(

Scorpiolady said...

Another thing Mirror that came to my mind...

There was once he pretended not to know which of my things were mine, and which were my girlfriend's... I can't remember what exactly he did but it was something like, "Oh, I dropped one bag but I don't know whether it's yours or hers..."

And as I was going, "What...???"

That's when a male friend who was with him just laughed and said to me, "He clearly knows which bag is whose... he was saying that this was yours and was playing with it too. Don't worry, he didn't do anything to your bag."

That's the only time I could actually know for sure he was just trying to get a reaction out of me and how much he "cared". I actually believed when he said he didn't know whether the item was mine or my friend's. Later I got to wondering if all the while he acted nonchalant and like he doesn't care, he actually cares. Lol.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@ScorpioLady,
"When he tried to get attention from several girls and texting all of them at the same time, I was running that through my head... did he really like them and enjoy talking to ALL of them or did he need the reassurance THAT much?"

This is a prime example of why I do not advocate wasting your time attempting to date insecure men. Because the reality is that they need LOTS of female attention in order to feel good about themselves. Even when they're in a committed relationship with a great girl, they tend to self-sabotage with behavior such as this that they cannot seem to get enough of.

Picture it like this. They're "empty" inside - so there's a CONSTANT need to "fill" themselves up with attention from others to feel good.

"Because he couldn't be bothered to hide the fact that he's texting ALLL these girls and I suspect, was he trying to put up a show in front of me?"

I suspect he's trying to put a show on for everybody. Loud, macho, egotistical men are generally insecure dear. Many people mistake that for confidence, but it's false bravado. Confident men do not feel the need to put on displays such as this - because they are confident. They do not feel the need to overcompensate or to have others believe they're successful with women, because they're confident in themselves and they do not need the approval of others.

I don't think he's necessarily attempting to hurt you (probably a little bit though) as much as he's attempting to get a reaction out of you (and possibly others).

"Because it's weird why anyone would go through all that trouble... just to seek reassurance, just to push my buttons?"

It's not weird dear. Once you understand insecurity and how it affects people's behavior, it becomes very easy to somewhat predict their moves and their motivations. Insecurity affects peoples behavior and makes them "overcompensate" with over-the-top performances for everyone.

"he's been mean to me several times, in that nonchalant, ignorant manner"

That's the players ruse - and yes - many players, if not all, are generally insecure. And that mean streak is actually what's called a "neg" (negative) in the players world, where men advise other men to dish out veiled insults in order to kick a woman that they feel they could not obtain down a few notches to their level...a level where you suddenly become obtainable to them, because they're reduced your self-esteem and thus your expectations for yourself.

When you don't feel good enough, when they make you feel as if you're not good enough...this actually gives them a better shot at obtaining you. Because if you feel good about yourself, you'll realize you can do better, therefore, making yourself unobtainable and out of their reach.

"aren't guys supposed to be very logical, especially someone like him who wouldn't put in effort for anybody?"

Well adjusted, emotionally mature men are logical. But when you're dealing with someone whose secretly suffering from low self-esteem and insecurity - it affects their behavior, as you and apparently his friends have all already noticed.

I think you're dealing with a very insecure, emotionally immature man here dear :-(

Scorpiolady said...

@Mirror

Thank you for the enlightenment.

I didn't understand why he would be insecure.

I just have to let him go, on his own journey... Just as I will be going on mine. What he feels or not for me has nothing to do with who I am.

It was a pleasant outing with him and friends though. He was nice and seems like he misses me. I mentioned a Halloween night I was going with a friend and her group of friends and he said he wanted to come too. He was suggesting all these plans along with it and I said, "We'll see." - then felt really happy because it's the first time I used this phrase on him. I meant it though and thought it through hard, finally coming to the conclusion to go ahead. It will be a group of us and it will be additionally fun with him around. As always, I'm apprehensive of his behavior on that day... but I'm not going to focus on him so he won't affect me. It's more about my girlfriend bonding time. I have also decided not to see him again after that for a looong time that's why.

It's been a hectic week too and I was unaware how it was affecting me until yesterday, when I was in a really defeated and yucky mood. Decided to let some things go and give myself a break. Am back up! I guess we must always be self-aware on our toes about our moods and what we tell ourselves about ourselves and adjust it to a positive one! Especially when dealing with guys......

Cheers!
Scorpiolady

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
So I am in a dilemma, I met a guy who has moved to the UK from Italy for a fresh start. He is separated and his wife cheated on him, so he has upped and left Italy to start afresh. So anyway we had lots of correspondence whilst he went back to arrange his move over and he arranged a date when he finally moved over 2 weeks ago. Our first date was great, he was very open about his failed relationship and said he wasn’t jaded and believed he would find love again. Now the warning flags….so he kept making plans such as suggesting meeting me in Paris in November for my birthday and offering to be in Rome when I go to visit, he was flattering, caring, attentive etc. So I don’t want to be his rebound girl, or his psychiatrist however I don’t want to discount a potentially good guy because he has a failed marriage either…so I’m confused on how to approach this and stop myself from potentially getting hurt. Oh yes…he keeps pulling 48 hrs or at best a day to respond to my messages, I’m mirroring him right now and I think he is aware of his behaviour because he let it slip at dinner that I didn’t respond to him once because he took a few days to respond. I want to know if it is acceptable to ask him the following questions when I next see him: ‘How long has he been separated for?’ and ‘Has he filed for divorce yet?’ I guess my reasoning is that if it is recent (less than a year) then he is rebounding and I need to steer clear and if he hasn’t filed then he is still hoping to get back with her but then why leave the country, take a new job etc if you don’t want to start afresh? He did say that he will always love her because of her history but he tried to make it work and she didn’t want it and so it’s over…again does a guy who is over his wife talk like that??? Anyway, I’m pretty confused as I don’t want to be overly critical or cautious and discount a guy who may be good but getting out of a bad situation but I also don’t want to get my heart broken. Any advice greatly appreciated.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Londonchick,
"he keeps pulling 48 hrs or at best a day to respond to my messages"

That tells me that he's pacing this out, taking it very slow. Which is actually kinda' good because he's not trying to get over someone by racing into someone else's arms immediately.

"I think he is aware of his behaviour because he let it slip at dinner that I didn’t respond to him once because he took a few days to respond"

These guys ALWAYS know what they're doing, don't let them fool you into thinking otherwise LOL.

"I want to know if it is acceptable to ask him the following questions when I next see him: ‘How long has he been separated for?’ and ‘Has he filed for divorce yet?’

I think that's acceptable, as long as:

1) It's not done in "interrogation" form with a myriad of lightening quick questions being thrown at him one right after the other.

2) Come up casually during general "get to know you" conversation and then dropped immediately once the answers are provided (i.e. meaning, don't keep "digging" with more questions).

"does a guy who is over his wife talk like that?"

Well, you need to realize dear, this man is grieving. People who haven't been divorced have a hard time understanding that. They instantly think the individual is grieving the loss of their spouse. They don't realize the extreme amount of loss (in addition to the spouse) that comes with divorce. They tend to think the loss of the spouse is the only loss incurred, which is far from correct.

The loss from divorce runs deep and circles around many areas in life. The additional loss that results from divorce can be felt in:

1) Loss of friendships (mutual friends usually end up "choosing" one or the other).
2) Loss of family (people you've come to love and care for are now gone because they're from the spouse's side of the family).
3) Loss of lifestyle (loss of your home, the neighborhood you live in, loss of your security, loss of material possessions that made your life easier, loss of everything you've worked hard for years to obtain - poof - all gone...and starting over from scratch sucks).
4) Loss of employment/job (many times, people's work suffers as a result of all of the loss, emotional turmoil and uncertainty the individual is experiencing).
5) Loss of income as a result of loss of employment (again, starting over from scratch sucks because the uncertainty is maddening).
6) Loss of people you cared about at your form of previous employment (friendships are also lost there as well).
7) Loss of trust (you generally feel this in silence, but it's a loss no less).
8) Loss of faith (again, felt silently).
9) Loss of ambition/desire (divorce sets you back and this puts a damper of your energy reserves to pick yourself up and brush yourself off to get going again).
10) Loss of finances (the combined income you most likely once had is now gone, your job and the income there is gone along with the security it provided, and what's left - half now belongs to the spouse and that includes retirement, savings, etc.).

Cont...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

The overall "loss" associated with divorce is tremendous dear - and it goes much, much deeper than the loss of the spouse. Because even when you're happy to be rid of your spouse, the loss in all these other areas is still felt and grieved for.

I'm not going to lie here dear, many studies have shown that on average....it takes 4 years for an individual to stabilize, emotionally and otherwise, after a divorce. The impact of divorce is huge, it's no small thing.

Now, all of the above doesn't mean it's hopeless. But it does mean that being involved with someone fresh out of a divorce is going to be more challenging and is going to require more understanding than being involved with someone who's not experiencing that, or who has already worked through it and stabilized again. And if you're going to do it, you just need to know that and be prepared for it going into it is all. It's not impossible to experience success, but it will require "more" from you in certain areas (such as understanding, compassion, etc.) And when the person is depressed or is experiencing this "loss" outwardly, you can't assume that it's all directly related to the spouse because the loss runs so much deeper than that. And truly understanding that, being supportive and not jumping to conclusions helps a lot and can actually bring two individuals closer together if that is provided.

So when dealing with someone fresh out of divorce, my advice would be this (which isn't much different than any relationship really)....FRIENDS FIRST. Focus on building a foundation of friendship first and leave the romance for later. If the friendship foundation is strong, the romance will grow slowly and organically from that.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Mirror for offering this insight, it sounds like firsthand experience, wow I'm sorry that you had to go through that...you're completely right, whilst I felt compassionate about what he was going through I haven't been there and I now get a sense of how profound this is. I must admit I'm scared, he isn't even divorced yet...only seperated, so this means a long journey for him? I will try and be patient and supportive without turning into his therapist ( I think that will kill any chance of passion) but I think as I am now 40 and I want something longterm I will continue dating around, as this guy may not be ready yet for a long time....so if this guy wants to join me for my birthday in November in Paris (he's talking about seeing if he can work there that week) - I can allow him? Or is it too soon? Also the wife who cheated on him, was used to him financially supporting her and was very spoilt, so I'm scared that if she sniffs another woman in the picture she may try and dangle a carrot to give him hope, I was due to go to his city and he wants to meet me there to show me around, I suspect someone will tell her if I am with him, or subconciously he may want to make her jealous? I don't know if I am that convinced yet that he is truly over her. I guess though I can't really know till this evolves further....so I will be supportive and give him space and see how it turns out, this is new territory....thank you again for this helpful response and I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@LondonChick,
"so if this guy wants to join me for my birthday in November in Paris (he's talking about seeing if he can work there that week) - I can allow him? Or is it too soon?"

That's a personal choice dear. I'd say it's too soon because chances are, he has romantic expectations. If it's clear that this is friendship for now, then that's a bit different. But as it stands, I would suspect he's considering it a romantic weekend.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror
This is anonymous again who wrote you on Sept 21st regarding the taurean guy i met.Well Mirror, I kept quiet for a while after he got angry with me asking few qns and cut contacts with me. Then suddenly i see him sending me a text saying that i always accuse him of hiding and he is not sure why.It was then I replied back to him saying I was just joking and that I had no intentions accusing him. After a while, he cooled down and asked me to forget the past and wipe slate clean. Then I told him that he hasnt opened out fully to me. Then he asked me what i wanted to know and told me everything happening in his life incl career. Then I asked him abt the GF.He told me that he like s her still as she has been with him when he went thru tough times long time ago. But she has hurt him by going in and out of this realtionship bcoz of her parents but still sticks to her bcoz of the above reason i mentioned. He is not sure her parents might agree or she would leave them for him. Right now he is just focussed on his career and will prob look into it once he gets a job.
I just left it like that. Then the next day he contacts me while I am in class mid afternoon saying that he really got sick in class and had to come back home and is lying down but not sleepy. All he wanted to hear from me was baby and Hun and he immediately sprang back to life and got refreshed again. He then txted me again asking whether i am finished with class and am back home. Then he started chatting and bacame intimate and said he really wants to meet me.Then later in the evening, he said he has just one hour and is coming to meet me.I was really surprised. He came within 10 minutes.But he didnot even touch me. He kept initially sayig that he wants to take it slow as i wanted. Then he kept saying that he is really worried for me as i have lots of external stress and freak out. I saw the concern on his face. However he kept on teasing me and pulling my legs all throughout. H ewaned to see my place, my apartment, who is living next to me, my dance centre and gym and my surroundings. He kept on saying that he had only one hour as he is reading for exams and he decided he wanted to spend time with me, talk with me and see where i live etc.
Its then I realized how genuine as a person he is. He is not the flirty or playboyish type he potrayed. Deep inside he has grt soft corner for me as he used to tell me that I am also caring and a wonderful person as his GF is and thats what attracted him towards me.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror, I broke it off about a month ago with a guy I have been on and off with for 4 years. It was because he would only make a date once every 2-3 weeks and I feel like that is only giving me crumbs. I haven't heard anything from him since the break up and he just said ok take care, which seems to me like he wasn't in it anyway. My birthday is coming up at the end of the month and in past years when we have been broken up, he always circles around for my birthday. Should I ignore his contact if he does attempt to contact me? Last year he did this and asked to take me to lunch, but then flaked, so I feel that I should ignore him if he tries this year. What do you think? Another question I have is a little more seriuos. When we were together over the summer, I found out from a message on his phone to one of his friends that he and his friends went down to Mexico to hire prostitutes. We weren't together at the time, but this grosses me out and makes me sick to my stomach. He tried to deny it, but I saw the messages. I had a hard time digesting that when I found out. What are your thoughts on this? I feel I did the right thing by breaking things off with him, but what if he circles back wanting to get back together like he has done in the past? I don't know if I can ever get past him doing something like this. Is this a character thing? I guess some people may not have an issue with it, but I am having a hard time with it. Help! Thanks so much, Mirror.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 14, 12:55 AM,
"Should I ignore his contact if he does attempt to contact me? Last year he did this and asked to take me to lunch, but then flaked.."

Yep, he's not worth your time dear. He's offering a dead end situation for you, and that isn't worth an ounce of your time.

"what if he circles back wanting to get back together like he has done in the past?"

Ignore him. Or you're going to end up wasting another 4 years chasing crumbs around (and dirty ones at that, given his experience with prostitutes).

"Is this a character thing? I guess some people may not have an issue with it, but I am having a hard time with it."

I'm not big on that myself dear, because of health related issues that can stem from these situations - particularly in Mexico, where I'm quite sure health standards are not an enforced issue in the world of prostitution. Men can carry STD's that they never experience symptoms from, but that can ultimately end a woman's life....namely the HPV virus and it's association with cervical cancer.

Stay away from him dear. He sounds like bad news. He's wasted 4 years of your life "toying" with you already...don't risk your life by giving him 4 more.

Anonymous said...

I have a situation that I need help with that kind of falls into this category. These articles have been very helpful and I have gained a little more perspective. I'm 45 and the man that I've been dating for nearly 6 months, is 56. We are both in the middle of divorce. He was married for 25 years and I was married for 8. He is also my brothers best friend. COMPLICATED to say the least. I slept with him after about 1 month which I felt was probably sooner then I would have liked, but I was drunk and don't actually remember the first time. Anyway, we see eachother regularly and enjoy eachother's company but every once in a while he pulls the "disappearing act" on me and just falls off the map for at least a day. I've told him that it bothers me and that if we are having a sexual relationship and exclusive; I have expectations and that it takes about 30 seconds to send a text just to say "hi". If he tired or busy or has a friend over that's fine; at least say "good night, hope you had a good day". I'm very old fashioned and will not call or initiate any conversations or contact, unless he contacts me first. I also don't stop by his house without him inviting me. We just got home from his beach house and had a wonderful first weekend away together. We got home Sunday evening and he didn't contact me untill Tuesday night at about 9pm telling me of how busy he's been harvesting his wine grapes and that he's having his daughter over for dinner Wednesday night, and would I like to get together and see a movie or something on Thursday or Friday. I haven't responded and am not sure what my response should be. I don't want to feel like a broken record or a nag who's never satisfied and can't accept him how he is, or God forbid.......needy. I just want to get a point across, that it's not ok with me for him to pull these disappearing acts. I know he isn't seeing anyone else and he's told me that he doesn't want to. I try to cut him some slack because he's been out of the dating world for literally 25 years. How do I handle this?

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror
This is anonymous again who wrote to you about the taurean guy on October 11th.As u know, i told u everything about this guy over my previous message to you. Dont u think he has feelings for me and thats why he came all along to see me and know abt my surroundings?Otherwise why should a guy take pains to come to meet u esp when he has to read for his exams.
I am currently ignoring him completely. Do u think that could bring him closer to me?could his feelings develop deeper for me esp when he is insecure about his other relationship?Otherwise why should he even look at another girl after 6 yrs of being with her?I never went in between any relationship. It was him who came to me ,got intimate with me and became close to me. Now i have developed strong feelings for him. I have read in many websites that if a guy has even slightest feelings for u, he will come to u. Is it true.
?Kindly guide me how I can get him closer to me.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Mirror. That is what I was thinking, but needed confirmation. That is something I didn't even think about - him carrying something that he isn't experiencing symptoms for. The HPV seems to be more common nowadays. I was very upset when I found out because he said that he hasn't been with anyone else and then I found that out. Imagine how I felt! I also found out that he has online dating profiles where he lies about his age and the number of kids he has. He has 5 kids, but one site says none and the other says 2. What do you think he is doing? I wouldn't think he would be looking for anything serious because those are pretty big lies. Like you said, he does sound like bad news. It is hard for me to get past because I really did like the guy, but I don't want to keep wasting time on someone who is doing this kind of stuff. Yes, he probably just was toying with me the whole time unfortunately :( Thank you as always, Mirror.

Scorpiolady said...

Hi Mirror!

Back again with some updates...

I've been in deep thought and going through a few changes.

I think a part of me has always been wishing that deep down inside, Aqua was in love with me and would eventually want a proper relationship with me. But it was 2 days ago that I told myself... I was even crying as I wrote down some of my honest thoughts and questions in my journal (it was therapeutic)... and I told myself, "He doesn't love you."

The next day we had an opportunity to hang out. After a while, his guy best friend and my girl best friend joined us (I called them along). We had introduced them to each other not long ago and they have been hanging out with each other as well, since they study in the same course. So it was the four of us hanging out together yesterday, reading and goofing around. And I truly felt that it was fun and happy.

As I sat back and observed, I realised that we had a precious friendship. Because the two of us, brought along our decade-old childhood friends who ended up finding companionship in each other as well.

Aqua also asked me if I wanted to go on holiday together as a group at the end of the year (the last time we met he had asked as well).

And I was just left thinking, after all the complicated things that went on between us... things that felt so bad and like a lost cause... what remains out of all this is that I have become an important friend to him that he would even ask me before his best friend.

We no longer flirt and texted only once or twice and he continues to make comments about hot girls in front of me. I also know he texts several girls.

I can't control what he does, neither will I really know what's truly going on.

Right now all I can do is to get my act together, stay strong (I mean this literally... when Aqua and the rest of the guys around me comment on hot girls, I have come to the point where I am secure in myself and not even attempting to compete with the other girls. I know girls who dress attractively do catch their attention, but now my focus when it comes to dressing is comfort and looking presentable) and focus on other important things in my life.

Right now I'm feeling a lot more at peace. I am not going to reach out to contact him and just let him initiate if he really wants to see me and hang out. He was nice just as a friend, so that's okay.

There's a certain nice dullness in the friendship between us... which is a welcome contrast from the excitement I felt previously in the relationship. The dullness feels more real. Maybe my choice of words is weird but I do hope you understand!

Staying positive.

Peace out.

Scorpiolady

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 16, 12:52 AM,
"What do you think he is doing?"

I hate to say this dear, but I think he's having sex all over the place :-(

Going to Mexico for prostitution, dating profiles online that are full of lies, evasive behavior with you...he's a player dear. A serial dater that seeks nothing more than casual sex - and ended up with 5 children to show for it :-(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 15, 4:45 PM,
Well, if he's simply taking some space for a day or so dear, honestly, that's not a bad thing. Meaning, permitting men space to breath, space to "feel" - is actually a good thing. And here's why.

Men, unlike women, tend to actually "feel" their emotions...during times of absence. Not during times of togetherness or bonding as women do.

So when a man takes a bit of space, most times, he's actually doing so, so that he can experience his feelings for you. He wants to see if he misses you - if he longs to see you again. Men associate "longing" for someone with love. If they long to see someone, they know they have feelings for that person. And when he snaps right back a day or so later and invites you on a date, this tells me that he IS experiencing feelings for you during those times of absence, he IS longing for you - and those feelings are guiding him back to you.

I read somewhere one time, and now I can't remember where, where a man described it like swimming. Men will "submerse" themselves in a woman for a stretch of time (spend time together), but then they need to come up for air (take space). Then submerse - then come up for air - rinse and repeat. And that this is how they tend to enter into relationships. At a slow pace, checking in with their feelings regularly. (When a man zips right into a relationship, it's actually a red flag.)

So when you have a man that's basically making all the right moves and treating you right, and simply taking a day or so for himself here and there...that's okay. It's actually a good thing. But it can become a problem when a woman won't permit a man the space to miss her. It can also become a problem when a woman reacts emotionally and won't fulfill the man's emotional needs in this way.

Now, if this guy was pulling other stunts right and left, and had no explanation for his missing time or tried to be evasive about it, or took days on end or week's of time without explanation or was treating you poorly or not inviting you on dates regularly - then yea, that's a problem. But in this particular case, it sounds to me like this man's a good guy who's simply trying to pace the relationship and enter into it making sure his feelings are guiding him to do so.

I don't think I'd be concerned with not hearing from him for a day or so dear. And to be quite honest, when that happens...take a day for yourself, too. Instead of experiencing anxiety because you're not hearing from him, know that he's home doing something relatively mundane and that the next day, he'll be in touch - so take that day for yourself and do things that you enjoy doing as well. Because so many women tend to lose themselves in relationships and give up doing the things they love because THEY are submersing THEMSELVES into the relationship WITHOUT coming up for air and taking space for themselves - it's actually not healthy to do that and leads to attachment disorders and co-dependency.

It sounds like you actually have a very healthy relationship dear. When two individuals can separate from one another for short stints to experience their independence and participate in the enjoyment of things in life that make them happy....without experiencing negativity or anxiety about it, remaining loyal during it, and then circling back around to one another - it keeps a relationship fresh. It keeps both individuals engaged in the relationship and one another, and it also permits each party to touch base with themselves in a healthy manner so as to not become dependent on each other to provide happiness for them (a co-dependent relationship).

Cont...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

In this particular situation dear, I wouldn't be concerned about him taking a day or so for himself. It's still a very new, young relationship that's only six months old, and this man did just part from a 25 year relationship. Honestly, if you told me he zipped in fast, glued himself to you, and then clung tight...I'd be concerned he was rebounding and possibly using you. But he's not doing that, and he's remaining consistent, treating you right, and circling back to you each time after only about 24-48 hours - which tells me his head is screwed on tight. He's not rushing into anything prematurely, he's not pressuring you, and he keeps coming back for more...which is exactly what you want dear. When he takes this space, he could disappear - but he's not. He's coming back for more, and that's a good thing dear ;-)

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Mirror. It's funny because I asked if he was a player and he said not, but I guess he would never admit to that. Maybe he just needs a big ego stroke. His wife left him for another man. I can see why if he was doing this kind of stuff with her! Hard to believe I got mixed up with someone like this, but you never know this going into it. I've been trying to stay strong because my head is telling me to. Hard to get past it sometimes though. I appreciate your help :)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror

When you never get any presents from your partner ( on your birthdays or Christmas) or if you do, completely inconsiderate presents, and you give your partner good ones, does that mean NC can also be applied? This situation keeps repeating in my relationship and everytime I talk to him about it, he just says I am inconsiderate and materialistic. I am not, I am very feminine and I love presents like flowers, fragrances and so on. I give him the presents he asks for, but when its my time, he either completely forgets or didn't had time to buy anything or brings me something he already had in the house ( that he no longer uses) or gives me stuff for the kitchen. Am I being too demanding? Thanks in advance Mirror :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 21, 6:07 AM,
He's treating you very poorly and taking you for granted. He's taking it for granted that in spite of his ignorant treatment, you'll still be there. You need to cease "do, do, doing" for him until he starts to give as much as he's receiving. No more gifts for him - period. From now on, he only gets what he gives, and when he gives nothing - he gets nothing.

Additionally, I'd seriously consider if this man is even capable of making you happy dear. Meaning, will this type of treatment from a man over the course of many years or a lifetime truly make you happy? Will it make you feel special and fulfill your needs? He seems to be lacking a sensitivity chip here and he doesn't understand what women need from a relationship. He thinks these things are materialistic because he fails to understand that the thought and action behind those things actually makes a woman feel special and desired.

You need to give some thought to whether or not this man is actually the RIGHT man for YOU dear.

Anonymous said...

I love all of your articles Mirror. I wish I had known about this site a couple of years ago.... I have a question. I've been dating this guy for about 7 months; dating exclusive. Things are Ok, but I think it could be better. I am having a hard time trying to "Train" him. There are some things that needs to be worked out with him, but I just don't know how to formulate the words to get him (I'M NOT TRYING TO CHANGE HIM), to understand or react to the words that I've said. Meaning, I used to have a habit of being very "bossy" always telling somebody "You should, You need to, etc".... What should I say? What are some sentence starters that'll get his attention without him becoming defensive?

Also, I've noticed that he has now become comfortable with the way things are going. So, how do I make it uncomfortable?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 27, 1:56 PM,
"I am having a hard time trying to "Train" him. There are some things that needs to be worked out with him..."

Well, I'm not one who subscribes to the fact that men are "trainable." They're people, not dogs, so training isn't realistic. It's much better to accept that a man isn't the RIGHT man for you (meaning, he isn't capable of making you happy or fulfilling your needs) and choosing to move on past him, than it is to beat your head against the wall attempting to "train" someone.

So in instances where the woman is signaling she isn't happy - signaling that the man isn't making her happy - I generally advise walking away. Because you can't make someone love you, want to be with your or want a relationship with you - you can't control those things - so if the man isn't capable of making you happy or fulfilling your needs, it's much wiser to invest your energy into finding men that want the same things you want and that are capable of providing them...than it is to drive yourself crazy trying to control a man's actions, ya' know?

"...but I just don't know how to formulate the words to get him (I'M NOT TRYING TO CHANGE HIM), to understand or react to the words that I've said"

You don't use words at all. Instead, you speak a man's language - and their language is one of ACTION, not words. Men don't discuss how they feel, they just DO something about it (take action). Which is why when women try to "talk" to a man, unless he's an emotionally mature individual that's confident and not insecure...you won't be heard. And instead, what all that "talk" will translate to for him is "nagging."

"What should I say? What are some sentence starters that'll get his attention without him becoming defensive?"

No "talks" dear, it's a waste of time - ACTION - take action. So for instance, say he doesn't make plans for dates in advance and he takes it for granted that you're waiting around for him and springs last minute dates on you. You don't "say" anything or "talk" - instead, you take action...and the next time he does that, you're NOT available for a last minute date. You have already made plans (and even if you haven't, you act as if you have and you do NOT make yourself available for a last minute date).

If you take action like that, men understand that. And if you do that 3 times in a row, and you're not available to him for 3 last minute dates...if he's genuinely interested and he cares for you, he'll "get it" and he'll adjust his behavior to accommodate you. He'll understand that you're not available for last minute dates and he'll make plans in advance instead....and you won't have to SAY a single word to make that happen.

Change always starts with you dear. If you want someone to react differently to you, then you have to change your behavior towards them. It's really that simple. Think about it:

Your ACTION (availability for last minute dates) in this example causes a certain REACTION from him (repeated last minute date invitations).

So how do you change that? You change your action:

Your ACTION (not available for last minute dates) will affect his REACTION (switches to planning dates in advance).

Cont...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I've noticed that he has now become comfortable with the way things are going. So, how do I make it uncomfortable?"

You cease accommodating him and making things comfortable and convenient for him. You do NOT bend over backwards for him and instead, you make HIM do some compromising as well. And the way to do that, is to make yourself unavailable. So if he says he'll call and he doesn't - that's fine, because when he does call, you're suddenly NOT THERE. Why? Because when he didn't call, you made other plans.

If he promises to take you out on Saturday but then at the last minute cancels to go out with the guys instead. That's fine, because the next time he promises to take you out on Saturday, you're suddenly NOT available...because he didn't finalize those plans 3 days in advance on Wednesday, so you made other plans instead.

In both of those scenarios above, you're NOT accommodating him. Instead, you're signaling to him that if he cannot be respectful of your or your time...that's fine, you won't argue that with WORDS...because you'll simply DO something about it (take action) instead.

Remember dear - people can only treat you as poorly as you LET them ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror. It's Anonymous Oct 27, 1:56 PM again. Thank you for your response. I wanted to give you an update, so I have not been accomodating him like going over to his house. Every time he calls, he has asked if I was coming over to his place. I told him that he can come to my place instead. He works afternoon shift 3-11:30pm or sometimes 1:30am and he says he's considerate and doesn't want to interrupt my sleeping time. Though I miss going over to his place, but I need to stop "doing". So last night, we talked while he was on his lunch. He told me he would call me back, but he didn't (he works in manufacturing). Instead I received several text messages about I should have been at his house with pictures and that I should come over. He asked me if I would go to yoga with him this Saturday. I responded with a "yes", but I should have told him what he told me when I invited him to my church for this Sunday. When I asked, he said that he's "not going to make any promises, but he or may not come". Now I have invited his mother, aunt and cousin so I think he should come. How should I handle this? He thinks I'm coming over to his house Friday night so that we can drive together to the Yoga class, but my intentions is to meet him at Yoga. What are your thoughts? If he invites me to eat afterwards, should I go? How should I handle this?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Anonymous Oct 27, 1:56 PM,
Well dear, if you're trying to stop "doing" in the relationship and compromising yourself for him, then the reality here is that you'd need to mirror his behavior. If he can't make any promises/commitments to you to join you in activities, then that would mean that you mirror that behavior - and you don't "do" for him. You don't commit, and you mirror him and you throw his response right back to him, "I can't make any promises, I may or may not come. If I'm not there five minutes before class, I couldn't make it."

That's what he should be hearing right now. Otherwise, this is just you "doing" for him again, and giving more than you're getting, ya' know?

If you don't level the playing field here and take a stance for yourself, nothing will change dear :-(

Anonymous said...

About 2 weeks ago my bf broke up with me. We have different beliefs, and he felt that he couldn't have a relationship with someone that does not share his belief. I have not had any communication with him since we broke up. Yesterday, I signed back up on the social networking site where we had met. Today, he signed up again. So, I went to his profile. On his profile where it says who/what he is looking for he has put this: "No one. Had the greatest thing. Now has to learn to live without it." He also put on his profile, "Only here for one reason. You can almost always find me in the chat.. Otherwise message me..."

I didn't intend to use no contact after we broke up, I just needed time to get over him, so I avoided him. I still care for him and miss him. I am not sure what to do in this situation. I am pretty sure that contacting him is a bad idea since he is the one who broke up with me. But, what if he contacts me? Do I wait for a while before responding?

Thanks for any advice!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 1, 4:47 PM,
"what if he contacts me? Do I wait for a while before responding?"

I would, for a couple reasons. One of which, he clearly needs time and space to process his emotions, so give that to him. Second, he needs to miss you if he's to change his stance on the matter. And not being immediately available to him as a consequence of his decision here will make that happen...IF he is genuinely interested and actually toying with reconsidering his decision. Lastly, the space will help you to emotionally detach from him as well as process your emotions in the meantime :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA,

I found your site while searching for help with a disappearing man. Your posts are so well-written and helpful!! I've been digging into the comments over the last couple of days and have already learned so much.

I was dating a man for a few months. We first met at our gym and had many friendly/flirty conversations but didn't start dating until we both liked each other on a dating site. I saw him once a week, sometimes once every two weeks. He would always bring a gift to the date -- flowers, or maybe a little chocolate treat. He would order for me at dinner and made sure I got home safe afterwards. I had just gotten out of a very long-term relationship and wasn't really looking for a relationship but he came after me hard. It felt great! In our third month of dating I was leaving for a three-week business trip and we had sex before I left. While I was away he texted me nearly every day (I was overseas so it was double impressive!). I started to fall for him. Once I was home we had one more date and were intimate again. Then he pulled back. I wish I had found your site before then! After a couple of weeks of not hearing from him I reached out, but we ended up having an argument. I was very frustrated and didn't understand why he wasn't reaching out. (Again, wish I'd found this site first!!) We didn't break up but both of us backed off after that.

About two months later we reconnected at his initiation. I figured we were starting over from square one. We dated for another two months. While he didn't always bring flowers or treats this time around he did still make sure I was taken care of in every way, including whisking me off on a couple of short trips. We talked some weeks every day, other weeks every few days by phone or text. I saw him fairly regularly, sometimes twice a week but then a week or two til I saw him again. Near the two month point he started asking me questions about previous relationships -- I believe the past is the past so I kept things vague, but he did share his past with me. We're both in our late 20s and have both been previously engaged, and each of us was the one to call it off with in those previous relationships. He also asked about my future goals and plans and shared his. We were very well-aligned. However, he started trying for sex again on only about the second or third date after we were back together. Every time I said that I wasn't ready and asked to wait. And he backed off respectfully every time to his credit. My gut was also telling me that he was dating other people -- as was I -- and I'm not into sharing my partners, you know?

(cont...)

Anonymous said...

On our last date we spent the whole day together and early that evening he tried one more time to be intimate. This was only about our fifth date back and he had to leave in a short time, so while I was super attracted to him in that moment I asked if we could wait until he could spend the night. He said yes, then murmured "next time" and left after a great few minutes of kissing.

Then he backed off again. Three weeks went by...I'd texted him a couple of times to check in during that period (oops, I didn't know to stay cool and not reach out!). Both times he responded immediately but never made any more date plans. Finally in the third week my emotions overran me, I made a mistake and chased him hard for a few days. After I sent him a pretty panicked message he called that evening and broke up with me...he actually asked if we could be friends but I told him I could not do that and that I felt he was making a huge error in dumping me. That was about 35 days ago.

After finding your site a few days ago I realize my mistakes. I realize now that he needed some space to think -- not that it would have guaranteed any outcome, but that by pushing him I ended things prematurely. I felt horrible about chasing him and didn't know why til I found this site. I am beating myself up a little bit. I have not contacted him since we broke up and have been living my life -- nursing my wounds, dating other men, enjoying what I love. Missing him, too. After reading this post I felt like no contact might be the way to go.

This past weekend he texted me. (Just "hello".) I haven't replied. You are so right about 30 days!! And then the next day he ended up being in a gym class I took. At the end of the class he stood near me a few times as if maybe to talk...but I was either talking to someone else or was didn't make eye contact with him. We ended up not talking...he left the gym before I did. Did I mess that up? I was open and friendly and in a great mood but I'm worried he may have felt ignored.

He has been keeping tabs on me. (I'm close friends with the gym owner, who told me he's been asking about me, and apparently he tried to schedule himself into a class or two I was scheduled to take that I ended up missing due to work!) At this point, should I continue my no contact and lay back to see if he makes more attempts to contact me? Or should I give it a few more days and reply to his text from the other night? And if we're in a gym class together again what should I do?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 10, 6:55 AM,
"At this point, should I continue my no contact and lay back to see if he makes more attempts to contact me?"

Since he's been running hot and cold for months, that's what I would do - put him to the test. If he's genuinely interested, he'll eventually step forward again.

"And if we're in a gym class together again what should I do?"

Nothing - you don't have to do a thing. Let HIM take the lead and see where it goes :-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you MOA!! For the reminder to lean back and let him pursue...and also for helping to confirm that I'm on the right track. This man has found all the buttons to push inside me to throw me off-balance, LOL. When things are going well it's all pretty hot...when we're off it leaves my head spinning.

I know what I deserve. I have to keep reminding myself when I forget. :)

Anonymous said...

I am so glad I found your site. It has gotten me through some pretty rough days. My story isn't much different but here goes:
I worked out of town on different jobs and met a man. He was married and we just became friends. He is 59 and I am 41. I was crazy for him. I worshiped him even as a friend first. I did a big no no and he told me he was getting divorced and we started dating. He was my best friend so I thought. He gave me a ring, bracelet and lots of other stuff these past 6 months. I am codependent and have abandonment issues and I don't know what is wrong with him. We dated for 6 months. Every month he would dump me for something or another. One he needed time and two he got mad about something I said. This last time was crazy. That morning he had sent me recordings that he loved me and couldn't wait to see me and then 8 hours later he apparently didn't like what I said and dumped me. I haven't heard a word from him in a month. We have never been this long without talking. This is the 6th time he has dumped me. This time I did not cry, beg, call or text. The worst part is he dumped me by text message and after he dumped me had the nerve to say we can talk one last time. I do have my pride if nothing else. I kick myself now I should have ignored but I replied don’t bother and take my stuff to the goodwill I don’t want anything that has to do with you I could replace. It’s been the most horrible month of my life considering I am dealing with these other issues. He has obvious caused me to have anxiety because I don’t know if I am going to go home and he has mailed my stuff. I am not sure I am strong enough for that right now. I am getting stronger every day. I am doing my best and I won't contact him no matter how hard because I didn't do anything wrong. I got that part. It just bothers me that he is in his happy go lucky self and I am falling apart. He doesn’t know that and won't ever know that. I don’t know if he will ever try to contact me again. Part of me wishes yes and the other part that knows he’s toxic says no. I am hoping by the time that day comes I am strong enough to just walk away. He has hurt me deeply and I trusted him when I felt I could never trust another person. HE turned out to be like the other guys I have dated. This site lets me know I am not alone even though I feel so alone. Today is day 1 of no crying. Reading your blogs have woken me up. Thank you

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 13, 3:02 PM,
Doing what's best for ourselves is very hard dear, it's much easier to follow old bad habits and patterns because they feel so comfortable to us. But know that you're caring for yourself, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that - that's the way it should be.

So be kind to yourself, treat yourself well, splurge on some pampering for yourself...and hang in there, this too shall pass...and you just might come out on top ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA

I am the anonymous from 21st October who was very unhappy because her boyfriend never gave her appropriate gifts. From that day until now, the relationship finished, or better he finished because according to him I was a complete pain and he was no longer happy being around me. Yesterday I received an email from a woman that was very angry with me and told me I should leave his house and his life completely because I was horrible and he no longer loved me. She also told me he was with me only out of pity. I had a serious health problem this year and I am still recovering, that's why I am still in a dubious position at his place. But yes, if I thought I only had a problem with his present lack of attention and presents to me, now he was mostly likely being unfaithful. Thank you for everything MOA and you were right, this individual is not capable of making me happy. :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 15, 8:59 PM,
I'm so very sorry that this happened to you dear. But consider it a blessing in disguise. You've been freed to pursue your happiness, and relieve yourself of the unhappiness that this relationship was actually causing you - good things will come :-)

Anonymous said...

It is a shame that we are all posting as "Anonymous" because it is indeed difficult to work out who is who... :-) But I digress - I am very sorry to hear about the pain and suffering of so many others on here.I really hope that you find your inner strength as I am trying to do.
I am currently on Day 14 of No Contact. To put it in a nutshell I am just thoroughly p-d off with the fading out behavior of my long distance b/f. I used to live in the same country as him and he had a fading phase about a year and a half ago while I was there. I was able to deal with it really well then by throwing myself into physical training and became just about the top in my sport among females in that country at the time. It was my main distraction really. He has a very important job there (life and death stuff) and would often either fade, disappear or blow me off. He would then reappear and apologise for his disappearance. I was able to say I genuinely didn't care because I was having a whale of a time becoming the best at the sport I was practicing. It was very cathartic and I can honestly say having my own focus really worked.....
Fast forward to summer 2014 - he visited me in my own country and afterwards wrote to say how hopelessly he was in love with me and how he wanted our relationship to last as long as we lived. Of course I was very happy and wasn't over the top but still responded in kind. However, over the past couple of months, I have noticed he is not initiating contact and there is not much of the same old feeling coming across in his emails.
So I wrote him saying when he doesn't answer my texts and takes ages to answer my emails, I wonder if he is seeing someone else. I said that I wouldn't blame him if he was because I can't be there (though I am going to be going to his country in a few months and we plan to meet then).
Later I said that although he could do what he wants, I would rather know so that I can deal with reality.I also said I realised he is probably just going through a busy phase again but I just want us to be straight up with one another.
He texted and said lovely to get home and read all your mail and feel bad for not having been around to answer (he had been away). He said he would "write leisurely" and was really looking forward to my visit....
I thought "leisurely????!!!" The topic of my emails is pretty important stuff especially for people in long distance.... So to be honest, although it hurts, I just can't be ar-sed anymore. If he comes back and uses the in love tone again, I am not sure how I will react this time. Any suggestions? I am rather sick of the hot and cold/push pull thing and feel if I don't hear from him, I am certainly NOT going to meet up with him once I arrive in his country (though given he knows when I am coming, it is sure he will contact me at that time but I feel it will be too little, too late). I am fed up.....!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 18, 3:13 PM,
I just wrote this yesterday dear, and I think this may help shed some light on your situation:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/11/dating-a-disappearing-man.html

Give that a read and then see if anything clarifies for you :-)

Anonymous said...

Dear MOD

Thank you so much for this - I like to flatter myself that I am an insightful person but sometimes emotions brought about by mind games cloud things and we second guess ourselves. It clarified tonnes for me :-) What I have realised is that the person I have been thinking that I love does not exist at all. The man I am dealing with is not him - it is all smoke and mirrors created by my mind which has made a fantasy for whatever reason. I have just projected it onto said person.... There are elements of the person I thought I loved in this man but the man I am dealing with currently is not him. So the one I think I love who gives me only tidbits in return actually renders the illusion null and void and in so doing switches off the feelings I have for him. Wooo hooooo!
This man has actually been texting re my visit since yesterday and I keep it light, non committal and am basically blowing him off. He interjects the odd "Pretty Girl" and "My Darling" here and there but I just totally ignore it and keep it business like. He has now given up. I doubt he will email for ages but when he does, not sure I will bother replying...depends on the contents.
Eventually he is going to press for some dialog around the time I travel to his country or on the date he knows I will have arrived there. If he does ever ask if there is anything wrong and why I am not communicating, wanting to meet or whether I am angry, I am just going to have to be absolutely up front and tell him the truth. That I have realised the person I thought I loved does not really exist - he has his face, body, voice and some of the mannerisms but does not care for me in the way that the fantasy person does. Therefore for me, though I think he is a nice enough guy, the whole romantic/sexual thing is effectively dead in the water.....So he can stick that one in his pipe and smoke it!

Anonymous said...

Mirror,

I wrote some time ago after discovering your site. I have read all your articles and most of the source material referenced in the articles, and in particular have found your advice and comments invaluable. Other books and articles are helpful but they do not break it down in the way that you do.

I'm still in the process of getting over an ex and was hoping you could give me your views.

We were together for about 3 years. Amazing connection, we were "soul mates", etc. Things started going downhill this year with more fights, although we would always make up. Then, he started distancing himself - and I tried harder (I know, I know - now). Eventually he told me to not wait for him and to move on, which I took and treated as a break-up. Fine. Having read your material etc., I delivered consequences and went into "no contact" (and am currently still in "no contact"). After about 6-7 weeks, he tried to contact me via a mutual friend, and I remained non-responsive. He then reappeared after 60 days (on the 61st day, actually, LOL). I did not respond. He made further efforts about a week after that and this continued sporadically but consistently over the next 2-3 weeks. One of his last attempts was again referencing said mutual friend and some work-related matters which he volunteered to help with - no response. Then, nothing. Do you think he is "mirroring" and pulling a "no contact" of sorts, to get me to wonder where he's at and what he's doing, etc.? This one is definitely not dumb. In fact, he is very smart (degrees in psychology amongst other things) and from day one, knew how to use the Scarcity Theory of Value to his advantage, creating uncertainty to enhance attraction, and so on. Many of the things you said about men being perpetually in game mode 24/7 and being naturally instinctual about women, resonated with me when I thought about his actions/reactions.

I have not received an apology or an expression of regret/remorse yet from him for the part he played although it is clear to me he is feeling guilty (which is not the same as remorse). What do you think this is? More games?

Thanks very much. I would really appreciate your take on this.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 26, 3:51 AM,
"What do you think this is? More games?"

Most likely dear :-( Based on the fact that he's not dumb, that he knows the value of scarcity, that he's versed in psychology, and that he's pulled "stunts" in the past...my gut is telling me that he's attempting to plant the seed of "chase" in you. Meaning, he probably doesn't feel an apology is necessary due to ego, pride or whatever. So what he's doing here is "tapping" you, and hoping you respond by jumping on that communication and then chasing him down.

He sounds like a guy that's used to having the upper hand with women, and he's attempting to gain it back here with you I think...by reminding you that he exists, cracking open the door a bit...and then waiting for you to come rushing through it.

He told you not to wait for him and to move on - and that's what you did...and now he's confused LOL. He most likely did not expect this from you, and probably thought this would be a nice "break" for while, for him to run around and do what he wants and get things out of his system...and then when he was ready, all he'd have to do is touch base and BOOM...things would be back to normal and it would've all be like a little vacation. Except that didn't happen. And he knows what needs to be done, yet he's not doing it, which isn't a good sign frankly. Because it signals he hasn't changed :-(

Let this one stew on this a bit more dear. If he's gone, he's gone and it's for the best, because who wants to spend a lifetime with a man that's incapable of apology or compromise, and everything has to be his way, ya' know? But chances are, he'll take another little vacation here and resurface again at some point months down the road, probably hoping you'll "come to your senses" by then LOL.

In the meantime, he told you to forget about him - so do that. And he told you to move on - so do that, too. He's a smart guy - he knows what he's talking about, LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

Mirror, this is Anonymous of Nov 26, 3:51 AM.

Thank you for your views. I really appreciate the time you take to respond.

I don't know how you do it, but you really do have a good (sixth?) sense of this guy, spot on. Perhaps borne of fire from your own experience? To complete the picture for you, yes, he is a guy who is used to having the upper hand and full control at all times. In college he had a string of girlfriends, all at the same time. He also has very strong competitive drive, was a competition-level athlete and well-versed in at least three kinds of martial arts (two at the competitive level), was offered a scholarship to do his PhD at one of the Ivies, and so on. In short, a "high achiever" and (no doubt to him), "hot property" particularly with the ladies many of whom ended chasing him. So that's the sort of guy we have here.

You are definitely right that his attempts thus far have been "taps" to get me to, similarly, chase him. Having now had the benefit of the advice and comments on this site and other literature, I simply will NOT do that. Women who knew their value simply do not chase men, and I have no intentions of doing that, ever. You are also right that the break-up was really a blow up of a bad situation with him being angry and upset at me over a series of incidents (we had had a "confrontation" of sorts prior to that - never good I know), and he just wanted some time to be alone and by himself. It probably never occurred to him that he could lose me for good and never see me again; like most guys, he thought he could have his cake and eat it too. Based on a period in which I had done some "chasing" (acting needy and emotional - he knew the reasons for that), he probably expected me to "chase" him down and all would be well. And if that didn't happen, all he had to do was touch base (tap), as you said, and voila, things would be hunky-dory again.

What you wrote elsewhere about an expression of regret/remorse, an apology of sorts, I am in total agreement. I cannot, if only as a matter of principle, allow a guy back in my life who doesn't have the decency to apologise for wronging or hurting an individual. And if I did allow him back in, without the apology, as you said, that signals that he is somehow more important than my feelings, than me. And that cannot be so, it's not the message I would want to send to this or any guy.

My question is, don't these guys think before they say things like, "move on", etc., and the woman takes them at their word? Do they not think that there are consequences for their decisions, as there are with all decisions? If they really loved the woman, would they NOT want to hurt her? I would not want to hurt him, if it were me. Or do they not care because they are, well, guys??

One more thing. I know the primary purpose of NC is to help the woman to detach. It has to some extent for me, I no longer feel the urge to reach out to him or cling to him, or even to talk to him (sometimes). But if I were to examine my heart, I have to be honest and say I still maintain a lot of love for this guy. You can't wipe three years out just like that. Isn't that normal - that doesn't just change over the course of 3 or 4 months or even longer, does it?

At any rate, I will maintain NC and leave him be. He's probably off throwing a hissy fit and sulking somewhere, perhaps. One of his communications was to the effect of, "Oh, if you don't want to talk to me anymore, then I won't. But I don't want it like this. Can't we be friends?" followed by another communication a few days later which actually sounded rather forceful, insistent, almost angry (after not having received a response from me).

Thanks, Mirror. You have no idea how much this site has helped me to understand, and keep it together. I'm glad we can now donate, as a gesture of appreciation. ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 27, 3:57 AM,
"don't these guys think before they say things like, "move on", etc., and the woman takes them at their word? Do they not think that there are consequences for their decisions, as there are with all decisions?"

The male mind makes lots of assumptions dear LOL. And male ego can lead many a man to believe that he's more valuable to her, than she is to him. And in many cases, with the type of men we discuss mostly on this site, we're talking about arrogant, entitled, selfish men who honestly - rarely, if ever, experience consequences for anything. The guy you're talking about here...he probably hasn't experienced a consequence for anything since he was 6 years old. And my guess is that even way back then, he wasn't parented through consequence either, and therefore, doesn't understand the concept. It's most likely a foreign concept to him that he can't wrap his head around, and would confuse him, because it's not a reaction he's used to receiving from others.

It probably never occurred to this man that he could lose you. He probably felt he held all the power in the relationship and when he was ready, he'd simply snap his fingers and you'd be back again. Because most likely, that's the reaction he's used to receiving from women. So why would he think any different this time, ya' know? All he's doing is simply repeating what's worked for him in the past. For an intelligent man, he sure is fumbling with having to develop a new move here LOL.

"Or do they not care because they are, well, guys?"

No, this isn't a man versus woman thing. I mean, sure, men think different and therefore, are different from women. But there ARE men who care. They're not all like the men we discuss here on this site. We're always down in the muck discussing the turds here LOL. But there are gentlemen out there that show respect for women and have an understanding of their emotional needs. So it's not about him being a man, it's about HIM personally.

"Isn't that normal - that doesn't just change over the course of 3 or 4 months or even longer, does it?"

No, it doesn't dear, and yea, it's normal. The reality is that you'll have to live with it, and in order to do that, you'll have to properly "manage" it, ya' know? Meaning, don't take action on it. Hold those feelings somewhere in your heart, but don't give them lots of room. Make room for new love and new experiences, leaving him a little sliver somewhere. If you can manage to keep everything in perspective like that, eventually what happens is that the little sliver gets less and less attention as the other more expansive available areas of your heart fill up with other things, people, etc.

Cont...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"He's probably off throwing a hissy fit and sulking somewhere, perhaps."

He wouldn't happen to be a Leo on the Zodiac wheel would he, LOL ;-)

"One of his communications was to the effect of, "Oh, if you don't want to talk to me anymore, then I won't. But I don't want it like this. Can't we be friends?" followed by another communication a few days later which actually sounded rather forceful, insistent, almost angry (after not having received a response from me)."

That's okay dear. This is HIS stuff to work out, not YOURS. This was HIS decision, not yours. This is HIS consequence, not yours. This is HIS lesson - and all you have to do is follow YOURS. That's his ego reacting to something he doesn't understand - the concept of consequence. Once he muddles through that, maybe he'll eventually tap into his true self on some level, his humanity in a way (once the ego steps out of the way), and he'll understand that the way to achieve what he wants to achieve isn't going to happen through emotional manipulation, and isn't going to happen through anger and force - it's through humble apology and accountability for his own actions. He'll have to go through a lot of emotions before he's forced to dig that deep, if he's ever even willing to go that deep in the first place - but that's HIS path here dear. Don't let him pull you off YOURS ;-)

Anonymous said...

Dear Anonymous 26th/27th

I am the Anonymous of 20th November. I really admire your ability to keep so strong in this and to have actually moved on (effectively) although you may not feel 100% moved on. Your insights and the insights from Mirror really helped me a lot too....
Did you find that the fact that he actually voiced the "don't wait for me and move on" gave you strength to do just that? I can imagine that it would have helped me a lot if mine were to do that......but he doesn't. I just get the profuse apologies for "being an arse and not writing before now due to work and being on the such and such committee for December! LOL.
It must have been a stark shock when yours said to move on and not wait but it must have brought you up short and made you all the more determined to move on?
I find that when it becomes obvious to me that somebody does not return the same feelings that I have for them and in the same way, I can cut off my emotions almost as quickly as a light switch. In some ways, it is quite fortunate but in another way, I think I feed a lot off my rage and anger and this helps me to move on...
What leaves me stuck is the slow fade where they say they still love you but it is only over time that it becomes obvious it is not true. It slows the process of moving on down a lot. Because I am never sure at which point to engage Defcon 1 lol! I tend to try and draw them out by having very frank conversations and then drawing my conclusions from that before backing off.
Anonymous it sounds like you have got to the stage where you are able to distance yourself from him and truly move on. Did you go through a stage of sadness or was it just that you had reached your limit and felt angry?
Cont..

Anonymous said...

cont from previous post (Anon 20th Nov)

Hi Mirror
Having felt very feisty last time I wrote and having said I did not expect him to contact me until my trip (well after Christmas), I have just received a short email from him saying that he has been an a..e for not writing before now, is eagerly awaiting my trip and will write again later. He also says he has been busy on a Committee as well as at work. Trouble is that I am not buying it anymore BUT I am not furious as I was last week. I have read all the materials about the Disappearing/Reappearing man and appreciate that normally I should wait 4 days and then just give a brief, business like response. Would you say this is the best thing in this case, or not bother to answer at all yet and wait to see if there is another installment? I am not wanting to play games and I don't particularly want to be rude either... This is my problem, I get in a rage about these things then some days later I am not angry anymore. Though I feel much more detached now, the reduction in anger is making me less determined to not be in touch in any way.... Without rage and anger I am a little confused. It is strange - I never react to rejection with sadness - I used to but now I am older, it is always anger and indignation....for a time then it dissipates and I keep in touch loosely but this opens the door for stuff being dredged up again later...And rinse and repeat! What do you reckon is the most sensible course of action for this situation?
Best wishes

Anonymous said...

Mirror,

Thank you. A lot to chew on and ruminate over. Especially the part about managing the heart and allowing room for new things, new experiences, new people.

He's a Cancer, I'm a Capricorn. I notice you've written about Sags and Aries, but not Cancers and Capricorns. :-)

He's talked about consequence before, albeit in another context (he used to say that for every action/decision there are consequences, LOL). I think it is simply him being used to holding all the power in the relationship, which no doubt has always worked for him in the past. Also, he has a very emotional, vulnerable side which I have seen. He himself said he "fell in love", (perhaps) unexpectedly. I for one did not expect it to last three years. Oh well, we'll see.

Thanks again.

Anonymous said...

Does this rule work on someone who rejected you? I confessed to my really close friend that I have feelings for him.. But he just doesn't feel the same! Yeah he cares for me and we had a physical thing going on for a while until we decided it's best to stop, we're close friends but he sees me as just that.. A FRIEND! He told me he's sorry that I'm hurt and that he understands what I'm going through, but I should start moving on and start seeing other people.. And that he'll always be there for me and maybe even approve or reject the guys I date (joke!) we hang out almost everyday!
I told him I couldn't continue like this and would need some time away from him
. I told him I'll be there for him too and would try my best not to let this ruin our friendship but I would really appreciate it if he didn't call me as often, so I could move on and maybe start seeing other people (at which point I swear I could see a insecure jealous streak on his face haha)
He said he would be really sad to lose his friend and that he's gotten so used to having me around! But if that's what I need, he'll give me space..
I have switched off my phone and haven't gone online on social networking sites.. I'm sure he must have noticed my absence by now (the next day)... He says he is attracted to me but maybe he's just not ready for a relationship... Should I use the 'No contact' rule on him? If yes, how do I handle the situation when he turns up at my doorstep coz my phone is switched off? (he usually does that.. We live in the same building)
P.S info : He's an Aries and I'm a Gemini

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 27, 9:32 AM,
"Would you say this is the best thing in this case, or not bother to answer at all yet and wait to see if there is another installment?"

If you're not buying what he's saying, then don't give the impression that you are - or that you're okay with how he's been treating you. He's already admitted he's been an ass - so he KNOWS what he's doing, yet he is STILL doing it...and that says something. It says that he thinks he can take advantage of your kindness and that no matter how poorly he treats you, even knowing himself he's treating you poorly, he's going to do it anyway. And he ended his message by leaving you dangling yet again with he'll "write more later" - as if you're supposed to be okay with that and just continue sitting around waiting for him.

That's called "taking someone for granted."

If it were me, I would not respond because that would signal that you're okay with him taking you for granted. If it were me, I'd leave this one dangling myself, in an "uncertain" state - by not receiving a response from me at all.

"Though I feel much more detached now, the reduction in anger is making me less determined to not be in touch in any way"

I get that. Being a Taurus bull that, when poked in the ass while I'm minding my own business, turns around and charges LOL...I get that rage thing. BUT - you're missing something here. You're missing the fact that he's just ADMITTED that he KNOWS he's treating you poorly, and taking you for granted, yet he's left you dangling again.

And THAT right there is enough to be angry about, ya' know? He's just handed you another hook to hang your anger hat on - to remain detached from him.

"What do you reckon is the most sensible course of action for this situation?"

Think about what I said above, think about what he's just done here - what he's just admitted to - and then take a day or two and see if that isn't enough of a reason to remain detached from him ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Thu, Nov 27, 1:06 PM,
"Should I use the 'No contact' rule on him?"

To get him back? No, don't bother. He's already made it clear he doesn't want a relationship.

To get over him and emotionally detach from him? Yea, that's how this can best be used.

"If yes, how do I handle the situation when he turns up at my doorstep coz my phone is switched off?"

No contact means exactly that - no contact, whatsoever. No calls, no texts, no response - and no open doors. If he shows up at your doorstep - don't answer and don't open the door. You're a Gemini, so this should come easy for you. And he's an Aries - that will most likely respond in a rather amusing fashion to it all. So give the Aries a run for his money here dear ;-)

Anonymous said...

@ Anonymous Nov 27, 9:21 AM,

"Did you find that the fact that he actually voiced the "don't wait for me and move on" gave you strength to do just that? ... I find that when it becomes obvious to me that somebody does not return the same feelings that I have for them and in the same way, I can cut off my emotions almost as quickly as a light switch. In some ways, it is quite fortunate but in another way, I think I feed a lot off my rage and anger and this helps me to move on..."

When someone tells you to "move on", it's the end of the road and you just ... well, you just move on. You just do it. There is no other choice. Think about it. What's the alternative? You clinging on for dear life? No way. I will NOT do that, and no self-respecting woman with even a modicum of pride and self-respect would, either. When he said to "move on", regardless of whether he meant it or not (and as you can see from the discussion with Mirror he did not really mean it as a permanent break-up, just a 'lil "vacation"), that was the A-HA moment for me, and I moved on. If you love yourself, you just do it. Remember, you come FIRST in the relationship, he comes second (!) Why would you want someone who doesn't want you anyway? So just do it. It will throw this guy for a loop! :)

It may not immediately feel like you've moved on, and it doesn't for me. People underestimate the time it really takes to get over these things, especially if it was a relationship of any significant depth (which mine was). But just ACT like you are moving on. That's the first step.

I understand about anger/rage acting as a catalyst. If nothing else, use these emotions - internally - to propel you to FORCE yourself, if you have to, to move on. I understand where you're coming from, I tend to get angry a lot at ... well, stuff. But here's the thing. Do not act on these emotions. Meaning, use them to force yourself to do the right thing by yourself, but do not take it out externally, or on those around you. I find it helps to get up and engage in some physical activities. Speaking for myself, I am fairly active with various sports, so that helps.

"Did you go through a stage of sadness or was it just that you had reached your limit and felt angry?"

Sure, I was mad at one stage, then sad (and still have moments of sadness). But the anger passed, as will the sadness. These are just emotions, and you are NOT your emotions. Say to yourself, I "feel" angry, sad, etc., but I AM NOT "angry, sad".

If I may, your guy sounds like a real a**. He KNOWS he's being an a** and is STILL acting like one. You deserve better; the slow fade should make no difference. In fact, it's downright cruel. So hang in there, this too shall pass. ;)

Anonymous said...

I love this site so helpful ! Could you please advise on my situation as I'm so confused :(
I used to date a guy and he has suddenly reappeared ! We dated for a few months but it ended because his mum died and he couldn't cope which I understood totally ! Now around a month ago he messaged me to say he misses me and thinks of me every day ? I played it cool and just chatted normal . Then a week later he called into my work place to see me and asked to meet for a drink after work , so I agreed and we met up it was lovely and we had a great time, he was very open said he was in a good place and wants to try again ? He also said he thought he was falling in love with me ! Now I again played it cool but I did give him a hug and kiss him goodbye . Now as I left I said message me and he said yes of course , but I have heard nothing, so I messaged him something totally random lol a riddle silly I know !! So he just responded he is running around sorting things for Xmas and asked how I was ? Could u advise me what I should do in this situation please :)

Anonymous said...

Dear Anonymous Nov 28th 2014

Thank you for the feedback - yes I am really into sports too and do something nearly every day, so that helps a lot.... Found it really helpful when you said that you say to yourself that you FEEL sad or angry but that you are NOT angry/sad (intrinsically).

It IS unbelievable that someone can know that they are being an a*** towards a person that they profess to love and long to see but as Mirror says, it is called "taking someone for granted".

Feeling philosophical and somewhat flat, having had time to think about it all over the past few days.... I really appreciate your reply. And it is interesting to reframe his behaviour as cruel, rather than how I have been framing it (i.e. as just annoying or puzzling or just "him"). You are right - it will pass, even though it has been something of substantial depth (at least for me! lol). I suppose once I have reframed it, the process of distancing from the events and getting over it can progress faster.
All the best to you in your process too :-)


Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror

I am the Anonymous of Nov 27th 9:32 am with the long distance boyfriend who doesn't reply for ages and when he does, keeps me dangling. I thank you for your in depth response too. You are 100% correct when you pointed out that I was missing something, i.e. being taken for granted..... That is clearly the case and gives me a real "Yuk" reaction! I suppose it is because I can see that people realise that my bark is so much worse than my bite! :-)

However, having thought about what you said for a couple of days, I have come to the conclusion that there really is no other remedy for this, other than just cutting it all stone dead. I have probably brought this being taken for granted on myself in many ways, so it is my responsibility to stop it...

It is messy because I will undoubtedly get excited messages over the coming weeks about my visit to his country. I don't think it is wise to reply, otherwise the whole thing will get strung out. It will be even harder when I arrive there because I know my phone will start ringing and the text messages will start. Unless of course, he himself gives the situation and me up as a bad job before I get there (Feb).

It is going to be hard not to give into the temptation to see him when I am there, after all the months of waiting in a state of "loved up" until the scales fell away from my eyes (just the past few weeks).

I realise after reading this site, it really and truly is in my best interests not to keep repeating the process, however lovely it may have been on the occasions we managed to meet. I haven't mentioned that he is Pisces and I am Sagittarius (you have probably guessed my star sign already!). Don't know if that combo is good or bad, but don't reckon a water sign and fire sign go that well together usually lol :-)

Thank you again so much for your wisdom and help!

Anonymous said...

Your site is AMAZING!! Thank you for what you do!
Hope you could be so kind to help me as I fear I am worrying too much and overanalyzing.
Backstory: I am moving to a city 5 hours away. Prior to doing so, I joined a dating site to meet people..get some conversations going.
Caleb emailed me first; asked to meet for dinner. I explained to him it would be another month before I was there in his town full time. He understood and did a VERY good job of keeping the emails/conversation flowing. Actual emails that were paragraphs long, with real questions. He gave me his number, I gave him mine in return. He texted the next day.
Caleb travels all over the US for work and some Canadian visits. He also has his kids 4 days a week (every other weekend). While I was VERY appreciative that he would text me frequently I was upset that he would text me, I would reply within an hour, and it would be 6-7 hours before he would reply again, if at all. I finally told him I felt he had no interest and wished him well. He texted me back immediately after I said that and said that he WAS interested and wanted to take me out when I got to town. So, I calmed down. Something else that I LOVE about this man is that he actually picks up the phone and CALLS me. Not many men seem to understand that concept anymore--how to place an actual CALL.
Anyway, fast forward.. 2 weeks ago on a Saturday night (I had finally moved to his town that week) he texted me to ask when he could take me to dinner. I replied within an hour. 18 hours later and he STILL HAD NOT RESPONDED. That was the final straw for me, so I shot him a text basically saying "I wish you well". Once he finally read it 2 hours later he called me twice (I ignored the call) and sent me a text saying he would love to meet me still. I laid it out for him and told him how I felt and he called me again. He apologized and said he is a horrible communicator. I told him I felt that it meant he was not interested in me and he assured me that was not the case and that he was very excited to meet me. He asked me then and there to set an actual date up and we did for the following weekend.
That week he texted me on Monday-Thursday. (He had to fly out to Canada for work on Tuesday). Friday and Saturday he was silent. Sunday he texted me as soon as his plane landed at 4 pm to let me know he would pick me up for our date as planned at 6 pm. (I was getting worried I was being stood up since he hadn't texted in 2 days).
We had our date and it went very well. He kept saying how beautiful I was, how much he liked me, etc. He even pulled out his camera phone to have a picture of us taken together. Slight problem, it ended up in bed. Yes, I know. :( He left the next morning, everything felt very comfortable.
That day he not only texted me throughout the day, but also called me, AND even put on his Facebook wall a post about what a lovely evening he had with a "new friend" (me).

Anonymous said...

CONTINUED
He maintained contact Tuesday. He also in that time asked to see me again for another date, to go ice skating as we had discussed on the first date. I said next weekend would work and he agreed. Wednesday he texted me late that evening to wish me a Happy Thanksgiving. I did not hear a word out of him on Thanskgiving or the day after. Saturday he finally reappeared and texted "I hope you had a great Thanksgiving". I replied that I did and made a comment about me going out to dance that night. He replied "Hurry up and get home, I want to go with you to dance". I told him I would be home soon and hope he will go with me sometime. Not a word from him since.
Am I getting too worked up about his communication? Is it wrong to expect him to text EVERY day? Do I have a right to get upset that he will text and then take HOURS to respond? He also mentioned on date #1 that "it's my ADD". I didn't know whether to take that as a joke or not. (He was saying "Sorry that I keep asking you 100 different questions, it's my ADD). Maybe if he really does have ADD that is why he is bad at communicating?
I really just wanted your take because I know how much you have helped others like me on here.
Most of the signs point to him liking me and being interested (the facebook post he made about our date, taking our picture on the first date, asking me for a second date, actually CALLING rather than texting, when I told him I was moving on-he called TWICE and texted to try to get me on the phone, etc).

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 30, 6:30 PM,
"he is Pisces and I am Sagittarius...Don't know if that combo is good or bad, but don't reckon a water sign and fire sign go that well together usually lol"

It is said that when things go wrong between Fire and Water...that Water tends to drench out the Fire ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 30, 2:40 PM,
"Could u advise me what I should do in this situation please"

Cease initiating contact with him. If a man wants you, he knows where to find you - and HE will come find YOU. And when he does, he needs to take action himself, instead of being all "talk."

The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested, is to see if HE pursues HER. Read this piece, written by a man:

http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/dont-initiate-contact.html

When a mans actions do NOT line up with his WORDS, it's a big red flag that he's smooth talking you, "he was in a good place and wants to try again..he also said he thought he was falling in love with me...Now as I left I said message me and he said yes of course , but I have heard nothing"

He's saying one thing - then doing the complete opposite, which is a warning that something is "off" and that his words are not to be trusted :-(

Anonymous said...

Mirror,

This is Anonymous of Nov 26, 3:51 AM (the one whose ex told her to "move on", and she did).

It seems there have been some "silent" developments taking place behind my back, as it were, and I would appreciate having your perspective on it.

As you may recall from my original post, ex had offered to help with some work-related matters (which is something he had done regularly whilst we were together). This was through said mutual friend. Well, it now appears that ex has rescinded his offer to help (again through said friend, but the information is reliable and the signs, undeniable). It seems to me that this was done out of anger, possibly spite as I did not respond to ex's last communication (regarding work).

I have a few questions, recalling what you said about consequence in this context and how he most likely does not grasp this.

Doesn't this signal, on some level, immaturity (childishness?) and that it's STILL all about him, what he wants, how he feels? It's clear that he was somehow angered and continues to be angry by the non-response. I had done NC of sorts for short periods previously - and he hated it and was always angered by it. What I can't wrap my head around is, does he seriously think he has a right to be angry - at me ... now?? Why does he think he has a right to be angry? After all, as you pointed out, this was his decision, and this is his consequence. He was angry and upset at me at the point of the break-up, which seen contextually was really a blow up (and that in itself took me some time to realise/understand). Does he seriously think he has a right to be angry ... now?? He could not have cared less about and had no responsibility for my emotional state after the break-up, and recovering was my responsibility and mine alone. Am I now, to "assume" some sort of responsibility for HIS emotional state? Surely not (?)

And does the anger signal that he still "cares"? This is all about his ego, which is probably feeling quite bruised right now, probably? It seems to me he is a very long way from coming to terms with his role, how he behaved and the impact of his actions on others (namely, me).

Would appreciate your perspective on this latest development. Thanks, as always.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 30, 6:31 PM,
"Is it wrong to expect him to text EVERY day?"

Well - yes dear, it is wrong to place that expectation on him at this point. Because that's "relationship" type communication (daily). And when you're casually dating (sporadically) and just getting to know one another, you can't expect relationship type communication.

That type of communication can only be expected once you're entered into a committed relationship. When there are no commitments in place, you cannot expect someone to commit to a daily phone call/text with you, ya' know?

"Do I have a right to get upset that he will text and then take HOURS to respond?"

You have the right to walk away if you feel the man isn't able to fulfill your emotional needs and make you happy - but you do NOT have the right to "lay into him" and confront him about it...because there are no commitments in place that he's breaking.

You can't control others, you can only control your reaction to them. So if you encounter a man that appears uninterested or too busy, all you can do is decide that he most likely will be unable or unwilling to fulfill your emotional needs - and walk away from him. Because you can't project your expectations onto him when the reality is that he's made no commitments to you that he's actually broken. He doesn't have to answer to you, contact you daily, call regularly, ask you out regularly, etc. - because he has not entered into a commitment to do so, ya' know?

I think if you just keep your expectations in check - meaning understand the difference between casual dating and a committed relationship - and don't act on your emotions, giving him plenty of space without feeling pressured, he'll circle around again for another date.

And in the meantime, you keep dating other men as well. Never commit to a man that hasn't asked you for a commitment. You're both still free to pursue other options and if I were you, I'd do exactly that. Because when a woman places all her eggs in one man's basket prematurely and without reason to do so (he hasn't asked her for a commitment), that's when her expectations rise (because she doesn't have any other men to focus on).

If you keep an active and full life going for yourself - you hardly miss the phone calls/texts that aren't coming in ;-)

Anonymous said...

Mirror, this is Anonymous of Nov 26, 3:51 AM. I wrote yesterday, I think.

I'm writing again as, like some ladies here, I've been having a somewhat tough 2-3 days with swirling thoughts and emotions that I have not yet been able to resolve. It is probably just a moment of weakness on this journey, and as you said elsewhere, having come so far I will not give up nor turn back. Being thus in this state I have again come here to read, find encouragement/solace and reinforce what I have learnt here over these past few months.

Still, I cannot wrap my head around this (recent) anger. I mean, if it were me or a close friend, I'd ask "do you have a right to be angry?" And he knows he's been an a**; Mirror is right, men KNOW when they've been acting ignorantly, rudely, disrespectfully. In my case, it simply cannot be that he does not know he acted cruelly, callously, and without thought to consequence. Like an a**, basically. Perhaps, Mirror, and I've been thinking about this, you're right that it's just his ego lashing out - and anger is a "safe" emotion for men to have/express. So perhaps he's lashing out himself, really, but has not gone that road of digging through layers of emotions and I'm just convenient (collateral) damage. Nevertheless, WTF.

A couple of moments I've entertained the thought of actually replying to his texts, but ... nah. This too shall pass!

Would really appreciate some words of wisdom which you dish out in a heartbeat, Mirror.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 3, 4:05 AM,
The best you can do for yourself dear, is understand that he is on HIS journey here as well. Meaning, there's a lesson here for him. And as we all know, change is uncomfortable. And if you put yourself in his shoes, this is probably a change for him - not getting his way when he snaps his fingers. And the lesson here for him is most likely one of consequence, for his own actions.

He told you to move on - you did. He told you to not wait for him - so you didn't.

It's not your job to figure out his journey. All you need to do is stay focused on your own journey. Leave him to work out his own issues himself, because he's certainly not going to help you work out yours, ya' know?

The fact that he keeps contacting you about something mundane, repeatedly, when your not responding to any of those communications - and after he told you to move on and not wait for him - tells me that he's used to "pushing" others (namely women) to do what he wants them to do via emotional manipulation, instead of facing things head on.

Those contacts equate to "pushing buttons." Meaning, as a man he's familiar with the old, "contact her, show a little outside interest that's non-romantic (a mundane issue) and her head will start spinning again, and you won't have to do a thing, she'll come after you." And that is emotional manipulation.

Because if he were on the "up and up" and had no hidden agenda, he'd be upfront here. He'd have approached this upfront. But instead, he's going about this in a manipulative manner. And when people do that, it's because they're hiding something (their intention) and trying to make it look like this is no big deal because it's concerning something mundane. When the reality is that it's not concerning something mundane. It's about a man wanting the woman's attention again, and resisting going about getting it properly (via an apology) for reasons of pride, ego, etc. His pride is hindering his success.

If it were me, this would make me angry. Him trying to interject himself back into my life repeatedly, after telling me to move on and forget about him. I'd be angry because no one wants to really be "buddies" after something like that occurs. Particularly when it's only been a few months after the occurrence and emotions are still fresh. I'd be offended that he's contacting me as if we're best buds, trying to dredge up the past, when meanwhile, there's this giant pink elephant in the room that he's not talking about. It would feel manipulative to me, and it would feel like a game - and that would make me very angry.

If you really want something powerful to help you stay the course dear, please, please watch the video at the end of this article. It's powerful - and VERY true:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/11/dating-a-disappearing-man.html

And then read the article :-)

Charis said...

Hi!
I was seeing a guy for a month who was doing the disappearing act on me with dropping out of messaging conversations and replying the following day. He 'trained' me to be ok with that as it was all I knew of him since he was like that from the start.
With dating he would show enthusiasm to meet whenever he was in town (2 weekends in the 1,5 months we were dating) but then we only managed to meet once out of the say 3-4 days he'd visit. Considering we were fresh I thought that's fine but he would frustrate me by suggesting nearly every day of the two visits for a date and canceling nearly every time - last minute. The final straw was a few days ago when he was in town for 3 days. He made a big deal about seeing me asap so we met and then again he suggested we meet the following days of his stay but instead he pretended nothing had been mentioned on Saturday and on Sunday he postponed last minute and then he had me waiting for him to pick me up from my place and then he never showed up and had his phone switched off! He then texted at 3am apologizing and giving excuses about getting confused and then his phone running out of battery.... I never replied and its been 3 days. He hasn't contacted me either since 3 days ago and he's out of town again. Its really strange because he seemed genuinely into me whenever we'd meet and despite his slow replies in texting he would drag our conversations out for days so we've had continuous communication. That's why I find it hard to believe its all over just by me not replying to his apology text. What do you think of all this and do you think he'll contact? If so in how long might that be and what should I do?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Charis,
"Its really strange because he seemed genuinely into me"

When a man's ACTIONS do not line up with his WORDS, it's a big red flag that he's smooth talking and stringing things along. When he says one thing and then does another - nothing he says can be taken as "truth."

"whenever we'd meet and despite his slow replies in texting he would drag our conversations out for days so we've had continuous communication"

That's another form of stringing someone along, and it's now been coined "e-maintaining" the woman. Where you maintain the illusion of interest via electronic communications, but don't have to actually participate in the relationship via a physical presence :-(

"What do you think of all this"

I think he's a waste of time. He's not ready for a relationship, and he's not capable of fulfilling a woman's needs. All that dating a man like this does - is cause a lot of frustration, confusion, anxiety, grief and anguish for the woman. And the last time I checked, that's no one's idea of enjoyment. There's no point in dating a man that is only capable of making you miserable :-(

"do you think he'll contact?"

I hope not. Because if he does and you respond, this will only drag on and on and on and on.

"If so...what should I do?"

Well, you're asking this question on an article titled "no contact" LOL. And this is a classic case of a man that needs to hear NOTHING from you EVER again. I'd never respond, I'd never contact, and I'd never waste another moment's time on this man. Because he has shown nothing but immaturity and inconsistency here - and no one needs more of that, ya' know?

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
I have been reading your blog, plus all the comments and I will appreciate your unique insights on my issue.
I have been in a LDR with a Taurus man for a little over a year now. We met online and I had deep feelings for him before we even met, and I think it was the same for him. He came to see me in May (first physical meeting), he met my family and we discussed long-term plans for our relationship which included marriage, me moving to his present location, kids, etc.
We had planned that I visit him during the coming holidays since we have both missed each other a lot. He even assisted me to buy the flight ticket and seemed excited at the chance to spend time together again. So some weeks ago, during a skype chat, he got pretty ticked off because he claimed I was paying too much attention to my phone (I was playing a game and I told him so, besides it seemed neither of us had much to say because we were both tired from work). He proposed we talk the next day instead if I have nothing to say.
He didn't contact me the next day(unusual) and didn't respond to any of my texts either. That's when I figured out he was probably very angry at my behaviour.
I tried calling him the next morning hoping to apologise but he rejected my calls on 4 separate occasions (urrgg!). Finally he texted that he never ever wanted to talk to me again. Naturally I was surprised at his over reaction over something so trivial. I sent him a few text messages apologising and pleading with him to just talk to me, but he ignored these. I decided to give him some time to cool off so I didn't contact him for a week. Afterwards I tried calling him but he either rejected or didn't answer any of my calls. At this time I had begun to panic a little and kept on sending these pathetic texts asking him not to ignore me and talk to me. Still no reply....so I send him a playful text telling him how our holidays together in December will be no fun if he is going to be silent all through. Then he sends a short text asking me to cancel the trip! and that he has no intentions of seeing me in December or ever, and wishing me a good life. I must admit I was too shocked to react....when the shock wore off I sent him a reply wishing him same.
The thing is, this is not the first time he has made the decision to break up over very minor fights. But all prior times he has rescinded his decision as a result of my continuous begging (or even crying) for him to give us another chance. But now I realise that such actions makes me look even more pathetic and desperate. I love him more very much, but I don't want him to be with me if he really doesn't want to. Besides if he really loves me he should be willing to forgive or at least hear me out right? What's with this sudden silence?
Although all initial indications show that he was very much into me, always initiating calls and texts everyday, sending me gifts, calling me beautiful and saying I'm the only woman he wants to marry, I am amazed he could give up on our relationship so easily and completely erase me from his life just like that. Is this normal? Or he may have other issues going on that I may not know about?
Do you think I should keep up with NC (10 days now), or he expects me to contact him and beg just as I have done on previous occasions? I miss him very much, but I don't want to contact him if he will just reject my calls or be rude to me. It will just break my heart further. Ideally I don't want to lose him, but I don't want him to think I am not interested because I have stopped contacting him. He is 38, never been married, no kids and I am 30, same.....kindly advise what you think. thanks!

Anonymous said...

Mirror, this is Anonymous of Dec 3, 4:05 AM. Once again, thank you.

I did read your latest article (in fact, I read it when it first came out - I come here regularly to "scan" for nuggets. :) It is a very powerful message that the Rev TD Jakes puts out; yes, if they walk, let them. However, I think the situation of a disappearing-reappearing man is somewhat different from that where people have "broken up" (admittedly along the spectrum of scenarios, at the edges, the difference may be more of degree than kind). If it were me, if a guy "disappeared"/pulled the slow fade, I'd be done with him. I did think that your piece titled "Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do" was somewhat "lenient" to the extent that it advised women to take their time, not jump on the guy's texts/calls, mirror, and so on. Perhaps because the alternative, to cut them off completely, would be unpalatable to most women?

Your advice to take a step back and put it in perspective, i.e., that this is a journey for him too and there's a lesson in it for him too - if he's willing to see it, does help. Some time ago, a good guy friend said he's also learning from me (although I'm sure HE doesn't see it that way).

Taking a step back, I agree that the utilisation of mundane (work) matters - several times - is indeed emotional manipulation, as much as the "Oh, if you don't want to talk to me then I won't talk to you" piece is. I thought at first that he might actually be sincere, offering to help with work etc., but I did not want to go down the "let's be friends and maybe this will rekindle the romance" route - and did not trust myself to handle it well, so I maintained NC. Anyway, he had not apologised. As well, if he indeed wanted to be just "friends" (not true I now see) and I wanted more, I'd be setting myself up for more pain/rejection, and who needs that. But looking at it with the advantage of some distance - and your perspective, I realise that it's actually emotional manipulation, pure and simple. I mean, does he honestly think it is possible to be "good friends"? If I had taken him up on that, he would no doubt immediately have seen it as validation, that I was still "hanging onto" him in a sense, jumping on an offer of friendship. Darn these men - they're so clever and cunning! And it comes so naturally to them too! Whereas it takes a conscious effort on my part to, after removing emotion from the equation, not apply "female" analysis to male behaviour (as you put it elsewhere).

However, unlike you, this does not make me angry. I don't know why. I'm disappointed. I thought I knew him, I expected better. It's sad, really. I thought he had a level of self-awareness which many guys do not have. I thought he was in touch with his emotions (I have seen it for myself). I thought he was different, more mature. I thought he would man up. Perhaps time will tell. Ugh!

I think I will continue to focus on myself, as you have suggested, and if he wants me he knows where to find me. Thanks, Mirror.

Charis said...

@Mirror I noticed your response to one of the ladies above and I noticed you mentioned not having expectations for daily contact, regular dates etc when there is no commitment (yet). In that case, since I was fresh with this guy and we'd just started dating...is it maybe a bit much of me to be so unforgivable and strict at such an early stage and never talk to him again after his apologetic text 3 days ago? I mean he had no obligation to spend 2 out of 3 days of his visit with me when he has lots of family in town. It was just our 4th date after all...what upset me was that he created the expectation in me during this last visit, that we would see each other again and we didn't and that happened in a messy way with excuses. Here's the thing: I didnt expect to become his girlfriend after 3-4 dates but HE put me in that position after our first kiss (2nd date, 2 weeks ago) by texting me daily after that, being romantic and making a big fuss about seeing me on his next visit asap. HE created expectations and a 'relationship' situation and then he was the one that messed up because of not managing to see me on his last night. Then he sent a text that was also like a boyfriend apologizing to his girlfriend (like there was commitment there) which is when I never replied. So I'm guessing he's thinking ''We havent been dating long and yet I made a big deal about seeing her on the first night which I did and then when I didnt make it on the last night and explained the reasons she immediately ends it and never replies. What does she expect from me since we only just started seeing each other?!'' So...maybe its too early in the 'relationship' to be so strict??? Just got to clarify everything to be sure I'm doing the right thing here as I did like him a lot... :-(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 4, 10:45 AM,
"I did think that your piece titled "Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do" was somewhat "lenient" to the extent that it advised women to take their time, not jump on the guy's texts/calls, mirror, and so on. Perhaps because the alternative, to cut them off completely, would be unpalatable to most women?"

Well I still stand behind not jumping when men snap their fingers with a call, text, etc. Simply because many men have a tendency to interpret that enthusiasm as desperation. Additionally, the psychological effect of "scarcity" (the Law of Scarcity) works to everyone's advantage - male and female. And then there's the "holding your own" and "filtering" that this lends to as well.

So all of those things do count for something and still do in my opinion. But as you've instinctively picked up on, there's also that "unpalatable" thing going on with us women LOL. A lot of these guys don't have to make excuses for their behavior, because us women have a tendency to do that for them and extend the benefit of doubt for way too long ;-)

So in the end, if walking away is just too unpalatable and the woman isn't ready, then at the very least, those techniques in that piece can help her "hold her own" with the man in the meantime...until the time comes that she's fed up with the situation and becomes strong enough to walk away.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Charis,
"...you mentioned not having expectations for daily contact, regular dates etc when there is no commitment (yet). In that case, since I was fresh with this guy and we'd just started dating...is it maybe a bit much of me to be so unforgivable and strict at such an early stage and never talk to him again after his apologetic text 3 days ago?"

I don't think in your case that applies dear. And the reason is because of the "pattern" of behavior he's displaying repeatedly:

1) "...dropping out of messaging conversations" - it's one thing to take your time making contact after a date. But it's an entirely different issue when mid-conversation, someone's bailing.

2) "he would frustrate me by suggesting nearly every day of the two visits for a date and canceling nearly every time - last minute" Again, it's one thing to not have expectations that are too high early on - but ignorance is ignorance, and when it's repeated more than once, it's a pattern. Having a man repeatedly bail at the last minute is different than being patient and waiting for him to ask for another date - that he shows up for.

3) "on Sunday he postponed last minute and then he had me waiting for him to pick me up from my place and then he never showed up and had his phone switched off" Again, ignorance is ignorance. Are you seeing the "pattern" here yet dear? This guy isn't simply taking things slow. He's not leaving space in between dates and pacing things out between phone calls. He's being downright ignorant - and he's doing it repeatedly. He's making plans and then bailing at the last minute. And he's standing you up for dates. That's not pacing things out, that's called "taking someone for granted." Taking it for granted that regardless of how poorly you treat them, they'll still be there for you no matter what.

4) "He then texted at 3am apologizing and giving excuses about getting confused and then his phone running out of battery" That's disrespectful. Who calls someone at 3AM like? And after bailing on them no less, and then throwing some BS lie about getting "confused" and suddenly having a dead battery. I ain't buying what he's selling. If this were just one instance, okay MAYBE. But he's showing a definite "pattern" here.

When you add all those things up, the writing on the wall just screams "inconsistent, unreliable, liar, game player, ignorant, unappreciative" - you get the idea. And none of those qualities EVER make for Prince Charming, ya' know?

There's a video dear, and in this video, one of the psychological tactics "bad boys" use is discussed - the learning theory - the "random interval rewards system". The reward varies in size, and the interval it's administered varies in size as well. Las Vegas is based on this theory because it makes people "addicted." It starts with one great winning moment...followed by small dribs and drabs of small "rewards" - and bad boys are very adept at this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs5KpdlA_L8

And the dribs and drabs amount to "stringing someone along" - and in Vegas it's to "take them for all they've got."

Anonymous said...

Mirror, I get that your advice on not jumping on calls/texts is to enable the woman to hold her on, filter etc. if she is not ready to cut him off. The reality is we as women are our own worst enemies sometimes, making excuses for men when they don't deserve it (they don't make excuses for us). And I am guilty of that too, in my own case, hoping and wanting to see the best in this guy and give him the benefit of the doubt. Until I tale a step back and see that at this point it's really all about him wanting to gain back control and seize power again.

I do have a couple of questions. I noticed that we did our own informal poll on the percentage of returning men in the context of disappearing-reappearing men. We found that as much as 90% (92%) returned. I wonder if you have a sense of what the percentage is in break-up situations; or is this subsumed in the category of disappearing-reappearing man. In any case, does it make a difference?

I also noticed there seem to be different "schools of thought" on break-ups. Some, like the writers of "It's Called A Break-up Because It's Broken" and "He's Just Not That Into You" seem to say that the break-up itself is indicative of the fact that the relationship was not meant to be. So, just accept it and move on. In the same vein, some male bloggers/writers say that guys will take the opportunity they're given if they really like you and not blow it; so if they mess up, it's on them. They should take the one chance they're given. On the other hand, others seem to take the view that the outcome can be reversed, if no missteps occur along the way (e.g. woman chases and puts pressure instead of going into NC).

What are your thoughts on this? If I understand correctly, you also take a somewhat philosophical view of this, in that if it's meant to be, it will be (set some one free, if they return, it was meant to be and if not they were never yours). Ultimately it depends on the individuals involved being prepared and willing to do the work? So it's really down to free will?

Charis said...

@Mirror Thank you so much! Your advice is really to the point and very clear. I also watched the video you suggested and I agree 100%. Its wonderful and inspirational how you offer all this great help to so many women with your articles and advice.
Personally, I have come along many players and persisted as I was immature and insecure. Even now I still have to improve and waste no time AT ALL on them. Its not that in my heart of hearts I didn't know things weren't right, but I can be very good at lying to myself and justifying behaviour in the name of being cool and open-minded (today's cultural influences).
I still haven't heard anything from him and I'm not holding my breath. All I know is that if he does get in touch (and I'm guessing that might be near his next visit in 3 weeks...) I will just be really clear about what I want and how his behaviour doesn't match what I want. I will do this without hoping he will suddenly change and I won't believe him even if he says he will change. But just so I am true to myself, because I know what I want and that isn't an immature player because I'm no longer in high school. In fact I'm 26 and I'm many years passed those games. When I look at some of my friends and cousins that are in serious, committed relationships and are making serious plans for a future with their partners, players like this guy just seem so petty and boring. I can't believe he thought he could continue his games with me and string me along when he saw how many aspirations I have and am enthusiastically working towards in my life and he knew how easy it would be for me to find somebody else willing to put in a lot more effort. When he took me out last weekend to a place where all his friends go (!) he saw that they were impressed by me and would like to be in his shoes, so he must have known it would take much more effort to hold onto me. In fact I'm sure those guys will be asking him what happened to that girl..? If he has any complaints about me not wanting to see him next time he comes then he must be a complete fool because he could not be better at driving a girl away as fast as possible! LOL

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 5, 2:10 AM,
"I noticed that we did our own informal poll on the percentage of returning men in the context of disappearing-reappearing men. We found that as much as 90% (92%) returned. I wonder if you have a sense of what the percentage is in break-up situations; or is this subsumed in the category of disappearing-reappearing man. In any case, does it make a difference?"

When that informal poll was conducted, it included breakups. It was basically a "how many men that you've ever been involved with that, for whatever reason things went sour, had returned at some point in time" type of question issued. And the reality is that a large chunk return, regardless of the circumstances LOL ;-)

"What are your thoughts on this? Ultimately it depends on the individuals involved being prepared and willing to do the work? So it's really down to free will?"

I believe that if things are meant to be, they will be. When you have to drive yourself mad attempting to pound a square peg into a round hole, that's not something that naturally fits. A natural fit falls into place without all the pounding. And in the video at the very end of this piece here:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/11/dating-a-disappearing-man.html

There are some powerful truths. One of which is that "People leave you because they're not joined to you. If they were joined to you, they would not leave you. They leave you because their part in your story is over."

And I firmly believe that. Because like-minded people and energies naturally gravitate towards one another. So when someone gravitates away from you, it signals that their energy was not naturally attracted to yours.

"On the other hand, others seem to take the view that the outcome can be reversed, if no missteps occur along the way (e.g. woman chases and puts pressure instead of going into NC)."

Yea well - that's rare, if it ever even really happens at all based on my observations. If you read the article I wrote in that link above, you'll see that I share that after several years of study and 5,000 comments and stories shared on the original "disappearing man" article here - not one...not one single story out of those thousands of stories shared, EVER ended with "and they lived happily ever after."

Do miracles occur and is anything possible? Sure. But realistically, does that happen often in these situations? Hardly ever. And based on my personal observations here on this site - never. If both individuals are mature, care, and are willing to do the work, yea anything can be repaired. Problem is, disappearing men are signaling through their actions that they are immature (not ready), don't care (enough to apologize and do the right thing), and don't want a commitment (aren't willing to do the work required to make things work). So in the end, in my personal opinion, once a man walks away from you...giving him a second chance is an absolute waste of time that only results in a repeat of the first occurrence :-(

There are good men out there. There are gentlemen out there. And there is a man out there that is RIGHT for you, and for each woman on the planet for that matter. But when these guys that aren't ready are wasting our time for years and years, and painfully dragging things out that are going nowhere....we can miss the real opportunities that are to be had if we only had the strength to do what's best for ourselves.

When we waste our time hoping for something that's already signaled it's relatively hopeless, we are distracted and missing the real opportunities that lie beyond our comfort zone ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 4, 8:40 AM,
"What's with this sudden silence?"

Well, it's not sudden dear. He has a history of behaving like this, a pattern, "this is not the first time he has made the decision to break up over very minor fights." And when you see a pattern like that repeating itself, it basically signals that this is a man that isn't ready for a committed relationship :-(

"Is this normal?"

For men who aren't ready for a committed relationship - then yea, it's normal. Many times, they don't even realize that what they're doing is they're using relatively minor issues as an excuse to "escape" the relationship.

"he may have other issues going on that I may not know about?"

Most likely he does - the major one being that he's properly really not ready for a committed relationship deep down inside. He might think he is, he might talk a good talk and even walk the walk for a while. But when it boils right down to it, he's not communicating honestly about what's really going on inside of him and instead, he's taking advantage of relatively minor issues that surface and using them as an excuse to escape the relationship, instead of communicating maturely about what's bothering him and then working together to resolve it.

"Do you think I should keep up with NC (10 days now), or he expects me to contact him and beg just as I have done on previous occasions?"

Well consider this dear - the definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over and over again...and expecting different results."

"I don't want him to think I am not interested because I have stopped contacting him"

That's PRECISELY what NEEDS to happen dear. Did you read this article? Do you understand the psychology behind it? A man NEEDS to feel an "end" if he's to realize he has true feelings for the woman. If he's constantly reassured that she remains interested and is sitting around waiting on him, then he's never going to be compelled to honestly examine his OWN feelings for her.

Anonymous said...

Mirror, thank you. Insightful, as always.

I have come across many so-called dating coaches / self-proclaimed "experts" on the male mind/psyche offering "programs" to "get him back (fast)", to "become the woman he never wants to leave", and so on. To the uninitiated, these might hold the promise of securing/winning back the love of their lives. Having read up on your site and other source material, I think these experts who urge women to "do, do and do" (e.g., send this one text at 8pm to get his mind spinning, etc.) are just, well ... plain wrong. As you have said, the natural order of things is that men lead, women submit, and we as women should not - and need not - try to nudge things along, steer a situation or control the outcome (by do, do and doing). We do something, by actually doing nothing which, as we can see, many have a hard time accepting. In my view, it is simply unconscionable for these so-called experts trying to sell "desperate" (because they have just broken up and in pain and will latch onto anything to make the pain go away) women what is really relationship snake oil. And women should not be buying into this. Your thoughts?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 6, 6:09 AM,
"it is simply unconscionable for these so-called experts trying to sell "desperate" (because they have just broken up and in pain and will latch onto anything to make the pain go away) women what is really relationship snake oil. And women should not be buying into this. Your thoughts?"

Well, each situation is different in it's own way, but generally speaking - when things don't work, it's for a reason. And if you attempt to ignore that, or ignore the reason things didn't work, chances are - all you're going to experience is more wasted time, and a repeat of the first outcome.

Because again, when things don't work - there's a reason they didn't work.

And many times, attempting to pound a square peg (something that isn't working), into a round hole (trying to force something to "fit" that doesn't naturally already fit), is a waste of time that only causes anxiety, feelings of hopelessness and feelings of decreased self-worth - that something is wrong with you - or that you're not good enough. And I don't advocate perpetuating situations that cause any of those negative feelings.

Because even if you get that square peg into that round hole, the reality is that in the end, there will always be problems and this joint - this connection meant to hold things together - will never function as properly as a square peg in a square hole, it's natural fit, would. The square peg in the round hole will always cause problems, will always need attention and will always need more than just general maintenance to function properly - because it's not a natural fit, it's not the way the foundation was meant to be built....it was simply a "make do" situation, that is forever causing problems and needing attention in some way to continue to function and "make do".

So yea, when I hear/read/see people telling women, "leave him love notes, surprise him with lunch at work, bake him cakes and leave them on his doorstep, text him 'i love you' in the morning and then at night - and 'do, do, do more' to win him over" - to me, it basically amounts to advice that will surely get the woman slapped with the "crazy stalker" label and the man will end up running from her faster than lightening LOL.

Nothing will push a man away faster than a woman who smothers and signals emotional instability by 'do, do, doing' all kinds of crazy, outlandish stuff just to get the mans attention. That kind of advice will only possibly get you slapped with an order of protection and a big legal "STAY AWAY" order from the courts - not to mention, the guy will think you're absolutely off your rocker LOL ;-)

When things don't work - when things don't "fit" naturally - I suggest that "acceptance" of the reality is the best course of action. Because the definition of insanity is "doing the same thing over and over and over again - and expecting different results."

And we don't want a bunch of insane women wandering the planet....looking for men to bake cakes and leave love notes for LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

Dear Aphrodite:

First I want to thank you about the words in your article. I have been the kind of woman who has always had relationships and these days those new concepts of cheap, lazy and player men are new to me. I have been seeing someone for six months and I feel I am one of his rotations, the feeling is very ugly inside. He gave me the silence threatment for over a month. I was doing great at that point and then we started seeing each other agai I cannot I did this again on myself. Now after reading your article nothing else more clear then moving on. Do you have any suggesting after I cut him off. He is still on my fb and he goes over to some pictures especially when he dissapears. I hate the whole situation anyways..

Anonymous said...

Mirror,

I recently found your article about the no contact rule and decided to apply it. However, my situation is slightly different. I am applying the rule to my current boyfriend ( not ex-boyfriend as the article suggests) for a few reasons. Some background: we have been together for close to 3 years ( lived 1 year together--tough year) and I moved overseas. In the relationship I noticed that I had "lost my self" and began to have a lot of anxiety and codependency issues; he began to take me for granted and this would exacerbate everything. Things got slightly better after some time of self-reflection and after my move to a different country. To give myself more time and "re-discover" myself, I am implementing the no-contact rule. I'm 1 week into it and he has called endlessly, texted, emailed, and even called my landline various times.

I have found it to be a bit challenging at times, but mostly refreshing--I have stayed busy with girlfriends, etc. My question is: does this work on current boyfriends? Is 30 days necessary or is that a bit too much to go cold-turkey? I ask because this 30-day no-contact rule seems to be only applicable to exes.

When he last called, he sounded very worried and quite sad ( he left a message). This made me feel guilty and a bit worried for him as well. Even though we are currently long-distance, he will be coming overseas to Europe in 2 months to finish his Master's, but we'll be in different countries, so it is temporary.

By the way, I must commend you for taking so much time out of your life to help us women. I noticed you have faithfully answered all of our posts, something quite admirable and the only reason I'm exposing my situation !

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 8, 4:55 AM,
"Do you have any suggestions after I cut him off. He is still on my fb and he goes over to some pictures especially when he disappears."

That's really a personal decision. If you think you'd end up being too focused on his profile, then it may be best to unfriend him. However, if you think you can ignore his profile, likes, etc. and not be bothered to check up on him, then you can leave it place and basically just become dismissive of him. If you leave it in place and become dismissive of him successfully, it shows you're a confident woman that can control her actions, and it'll eventually have him questioning himself, wondering why you won't accept his calls or respond to his prods on FB, but you left him in place as a friend. Sometimes they get so irked by this, they end up unfriending you - but that's okay because at that point it's kinda' like, "Gotcha!" - and you're the one who comes out on top, having shifted all the anxiety onto him, causing HIM to react to YOU LOL ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 8, 5:33 AM,
This can work for you, to help you detach emotionally so that you can tap into your true self again. However, it's a bit unclear as to whether or not he's treated you poorly to justify 30 days without explanation. I see you wrote he takes you for granted, but to what extent is a bit unclear, as are his actions when he is taking you for granted (meaning, is he rude and ignorant; has he disappeared on you, etc.)

If he's a good guy that generally treats you properly, but sometimes simply becomes complacent, then it might be best to give him a bit of an explanation here. Meaning, it might be best to simply ask for space - and then take it for 30 days.

Now if he's been ignorant to you, rude, disregards your feelings, has disappeared and done this to you previously, then in that case, I'd leave things be and I'd take the full 30 days without explanation - because what's good for the goose is also good for the gander, and sometimes it's a taste of our own medicine that brings us back down to earth ;-)

Anonymous said...

Mirror,

Thank you for your response. I was the one that wrote Dec 8 @ 5:33 AM.

I'll clarify about being "taken for granted". When we lived together for the one year I mentioned, he was always respectful, kind, and busy-very busy ( grad student). I worked ( finished school), cooked, cleaned, etc. I would always ask for "dates" or time together and it was very difficult to get him to agree to a time. He would do it half-heartedly. When we did, it was cut short because he had too much to do. Let's just say everything seemed fine until I found some papers with his "thoughts" on them--very bad ones about the "pros and cons" about me and in the cons there were critiques on my family, his desires to "be free", his desires to cheat. Apparently I had found parts of his journal or something. I confronted him and asked if that was how he felt and why he hadn't expressed that before if I had asked about it ("Are you sure you love me? It doesn't seem like it if it takes me to ask for a hug, etc"--this is the codependency I was talking about. I have come a long way, promise ;) )

In general, we came to have horrible fights ( me) yelling and accusing him of lying to me and not sharing. He apologized about the notes I found, that they were "not for my eyes" and that that is how he organizes his thoughts--even "primitive thoughts" that he does not want in his head. Thing is, I found out later that it was a constant thing: negative after negative things written about me, my achievements ( or lack thereof), my "low-class" family, his annoyances with me. Of course, my anxiety worsened. He took my presence for granted because he still expected me to cook ( when I said no one day, he was angry the entire day) and pay for things like groceries (he would guilt-trip me saying that I was being stingy, that I could afford it and did not want to share). He never was really present, it was half-heartedly done most of the time, whatever we did.

This past summer, he got an internship and we didn't see each other for 2+ months. We would have 3 weeks together before I left overseas. He called me one day and said that he was bringing his sister over ( from Europe) for *those exact 3 weeks* to "help" her prepare for her entrance college exam. You can imagine how betrayed I felt. I was hoping those 3 weeks would help in clearing the air ( I had had some time for myself and felt more solid and wanted quality time to help us get through the rut).

Today, after 8 days of No Contact, I called him. He reponded "Hey, where have you been this whole time? You've been a bit lost" we talked for a bit. He didn't seem fazed, but sounded interested in knowing what I had been doing. I was about to end the conversation and he said, "lets keep in touch via email, messaging..." (He's going to S.America tomorrow to be with family) Yet, there were no affectionate words save for one "sweety", and at the end he said "take good care" --almost too polite. Nothing more. After the conversation I felt worse. I messaged him saying "You know, I think I need some space. Let's talk after the holidays" He said, "Are you ok?" and I lied, saying "Yes yes. Happy Holidays!" He responded ( and this is what really hurt--so detached) "Thanks! You too, I hope you have a great time! One more thing, can I have your mom's number to contact her?" I said, "You already have it, goodbye!".

That was it. I decided to contact him because you were right, maybe it was unfair I disappear like that, but now I feel worse, I feel that I should not have done so--he seemed to be perfectly fine and maybe 8 days wasn't sufficient for him to long for me.

No idea what to do next...how to even feel....

Anonymous said...

Regarding the NC with boyfriend:

Also, what can I expect? Will he contact me even though I mentioned I needed space?

Anonymous said...

Mirror, this is Anonymous of Nov 26, 3:51 AM.

So my very clever ex who was still playing games and then stopped ... has reappeared 4 weeks after his last (angry) communication. This time, he wants to meet. Perhaps he wants "to talk", I don't know.

What do you think, Mirror? Is this the proverbial "can we talk" moment? I have not responded (that was 2 days ago). Thanks.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 10, 11:43 AM,
Okay - I had no idea all of this was taking place. Had I known that, I would've said to you what I'm going to say now....stay away from this man - period. And don't ever look back.

I question whether or not those notes were left out "accidentally" given that this happened repeatedly and if that's the case, that's psychological abuse, not to mention emotional abuse. He's keeping lists of everything he doesn't like about you, and then calling them "primitive" thoughts??? I'll be honest dear, that's scary. And I'm not attempting to be sarcastic here, I'm serious - that's scary.

Because "primitive" thoughts - primitive thoughts are generally of a survival nature, and also one's that are "dark" in nature. What if this man takes action on these thoughts? What are his intentions? How does he control them?

It's way too much to even think about. GET AWAY, AND STAY AWAY from this man. You know all you need to know at this point. You've seen his deepest, darkest thoughts and feelings about you - there's no repairing that. It's scary and you need to just rid him from your life dear.

That's terrible and I'm very sorry you've had to go through this. Don't contact this man ever again. And don't ever accept another contact from him. Block him and move on. He's not treating you well. He's using you and he's also abusing you to an extent, which goes far beyond taking someone for granted. Get angry at him for this and use that anger to power you to get away, and stay away, from him.

No woman deserves to be treated like this - you deserve so much better. Free yourself from the chains of this damaging relationship so that you can make room for a man that appreciates you in your life. If he contacts you - do NOT answer. Move on dear - and don't walk away - RUN.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 11, 1:18 PM,
"What do you think, Mirror? Is this the proverbial "can we talk" moment?"

It could be. And if you go, and it's just another day with him and he's not "talking" or apologizing or getting down to brass tacks - leave. Just excuse yourself, state that you had already made prior obligations (that are none of his business, so don't explain), and excuse yourself and leave.

Don't give him any of your attention if this is just another ploy to get you to warm up to him again, while he actually takes no action to change.

Anonymous said...

Once again, thank you. It always amazes me that you find the time to tend to questions here.

So I decided to finally break 4 months of silence, and "tap" him back a "hello" (after 4 days), nothing more. This was followed by 2 texts from him (yes, he double-texted), in which he asked me to go pick up something for Christmas (with a large figure as the "budget"), and he would send me a check. His "reason": he wanted me to have something I would have some use for. Of course, I declined. He insisted, I declined, again.

This was followed by 2 further texts (again, double-texting) inviting me to join him for drinks at a certain location he was at. I declined - less than 3 days' notice and he asked me to go to him - all big no no's I know. He then said he would be travelling, I did not change my answer.

What took me by surprise, and I will say I was rather taken aback, was the offer/request for me to get myself something. Do you think this is more emotional manipulation/mind games, Mirror?

As always, I really appreciate your perspective and advice.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 15, 4:37 AM,
"What took me by surprise, and I will say I was rather taken aback, was the offer/request for me to get myself something. Do you think this is more emotional manipulation/mind games, Mirror?"

Yea - that is odd. And a bit suspicious. Large gifts like that, generally have some invisible strings attached, ya' know? And if he's got a history of game playing and manipulation..it's even more suspect.

I wouldn't take him up on that offer. Because like I said, there are usually invisible strings attached to things such as that. I think if it were me...I'd somewhat fad off into the ether again silently...and attempt to draw him out - draw out what he's up to by not making any moves and forcing him to play more of his cards.

Anonymous said...

Well, guess what, Mirror, I faded off but not for long, because now he has asked to have dinner.

I think I will go and ... if he's not talking as you said, I will fade off ... for a much longer period.

I just read your post in response to a reader's question about your own history, and I am really sorry you had to go through that. Just know that you have helped me tremendously, as you have others through this site.

Best wishes for the season.

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror, I am encouraged by everyones posts to share what I'm going through at the moment. It's no big deal, but it's been on mind. I met this guy a month ago and at the time was dealing with a breakup. My impression of him was, on here's another cocky guy that thinks he's the shit (excuse my french). I didn't really think much of him at the time was being very casual. Though, I noticed his behaviour was that of a guy that's interested. He was going out of his way to walk me out to my ride and somehow waiting for the opportunity to talk to me etc. I thought it was cute, and I guess he succeeded in grabbing my attention because I thought of him, but considering the breakup I was going through at the time. I dismissed the thought. I also happened to travel for a while.

When I came back, naturally he crossed my mind for a moment, but to my surprise, the next two days I received a phone call from him (he got my number from a friend) and he invited me to a party that week - told me he missed me? and that he's been looking for my number? Honestly, whether that was bullshit or not. The gesture really flattered me and this tiny little voice talked me into texting him the next day telling him it was nice hearing from him and how he was doing - I initiated the texting. We exchanged a few casual texts and that was that until we saw each other. I'm normally very comfortable in my skin and can show confidence, but that night, I was a ball of nerves and stress. I guess with the aftermath of my last relationship and me not being in the best place at the moment and that I vowed I would take a long break from relationships because I've been distracted the past two years as a result! And my intention is to have a casual flirt/friendship? I didn't want to get into something confusing and most of all I had just noticed how cute he really is and that having all these thoughts and doubts was overcomplicating my approach and definitely messing up the impression I first made of myself which is not all this! As a result, I avoided him that entire night and ended up with 15 min conversation before I had to leave.
Anyway, as I was leaving, he invited me to something else later that week and I said I'd try.

I obviously went, in efforts to make up for being so nervous the first night. I felt more composed that night and even though I did avoid him a bit so we weren't talking the entire night, but whenever we did talk it was nice. I don't usually share much in the first few days when talking to a guy I'm interested in. I like to listen and observe first and I could tell he was really trying to impress me with all his success and accomplishments, he shared his dreams and ambitions. I chose to see that as a good thing, him trying to tell me who he is. I found myself not offering much in return though and in any case, I had to leave. It his turn to travel now and as I was leaving I asked if I was saying goodbye or if I'd see him again. Of course he said, no we'll see each other again. But what followed was him telling me that I should give him a call or think of something we can do. I didn't get in touch with him until the day after and I did not call. I texted him an idea for a plan to have a game night with his friends or coffee, sending that message took a lot of effort, because it felt like he was making me pursue him. He the game night was a better idea and that he would follow up on that and let me know. It's been two days and he leaves tonight, he texted me today apologising that he had a busy week and so much to do before he leaves. I did not write him back yet.

I'm sharing this to know your thoughts on what happened and what I should do from here on. I was hoping I would see him before he left so I can be honest and tell him that I just got out of a relationship and that my intention with him is nothing more than friends. But that doesn't seem will happen. I know I will run into him when he is back.

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much for this blog - very insightful. Although my mom has given me much of the same advice as you have, it was great to read not only what you had to say but to feel as though many of us are learning how to handle these kinds of guys at the same time.

Case in point, I met a guy that I really like. The mutual attraction was immediate from just looking at each other, which doesn't happen for me and as he said, doesn't for him either. We just kissed a lot in our first encounter. He and I have been corresponding via text (mostly) and phone for almost two months. He was forthcoming with what he's primarily looking for a this point in his life: sex. But, he also said that he's looking to change himself as he gets older. I've been clear with him about how I'm looking to do more than just a hook up at this point in my life, to which he responded that he gets where I'm coming from. Several of our earlier conversations were casual and then they became pretty sexual, which I had no problem with because I do consider myself to be a pretty sexual person as well, so what happened what was to be expected. But when he wanted to come to my place just to act out all that we had discussed, my response was honest - that I was into him but if that's all he's looking for was a piece, then there's no point of us meeting up. He then called to apologize for coming across too strong and said that he doesn't want to end things prematurely with us. I said that I feel as though it's possible to have a great sexual AND romantic relationship.
Throughout our correspondences, the texts were fairly regular initially - practically everyday we would write a few messages back and forth, just talking about our day and nothing else. We went out on one date that was great and didn't end with a hook up. He makes it sound as though he has a lot happening which is why he's so "busy." However, he did come by to see me a couple of weeks later at my place. We pretty much did everything except have actual sex. After our hook-up, he went away on a week's vacation and texted me upon his return. He does have a habit of not immediately responding to my texts at times, taking a day or so to get back in touch. With the exception of a couple of times, I don't initiate any sort of conversation with him. The last message was to wish him a happy birthday, which he responded to and asked me a couple of questions. I responded a few hours later with a short but humorous text (which tends to be the tone of most of them). It's now been a couple of days and I haven't heard back.
My question is, does this sound to you like a relationship worth pursuing? I've never been attracted to anybody so much before in my life. We have the same kind of humor, come from similar backgrounds and I genuinely like him. Our hook-up was great so the chemistry is definitely there. But I don't know what to make of his aloofness, which he's apologized to me for. I assume he's talking to other people, which is course he's entitled to do at this point but I don't know if this guy is worth my time if he acts like this. Does it sound like he's testing me out? How would you suggest that I deal with this?

Thanks,
Lost in Chicago

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror.

I've not heard from my clever ex since 2 days ago, when he asked - and I agreed - to dine with him. It seems somewhat odd that he would not try to continue to engage me leading up to the dinner, given that it will be the first time in almost 5 months we will be seeing each other. It would not have gone unnoticed that I did not offer to help with the reservations (he's travelling) or pick him up at the airport (which I had done in the past). It seems to me that he's pulling back somewhat, perhaps in an attempt to bring my insecurities to the fore and to get me to "chase" him (which I did on occasion in my prior less enlightened state about these strange creatures we call men LOL). Nope, not falling for that again - so I have remained scarce.

Now, as for this dinner. I don't want to be eager/enthusiastic, because I'm not. I plan to play it cool, to be somewhat aloof and unreadable - but still smile, be warm and friendly and feminine etc. As you said, if they can sense that we've got what we wanted (and how can he even assume I still want him!) then he will simply slip back into his good ol' ways again. So, I will sit back and let HIM do the talking, let HIM do the work. After all, he wanted to dine together, and I agreed, and that's all there is to it - dinner, talk, nothing more. I will then end the dinner first, thank him nicely, and leave. And, I will not call or text thereafter, or do anything to move towards him, and instead let him come to me, if he wants.

Do you have any other advice? Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Hi,
I was dating someone long time ago in highschool. Then I dumped him and went NC for a couple of years. He was trying to contact me every now and then during these years. I wasn't actually completely NC, I did reply to him online, but...when he asked me out I vanished, this happend 3,4 times in a couple of years.

A year ago I contacted him, we met and dated for 2,3 weeks, nothing serious. Then we started to have casual sex, I was fine with it for a while. It was his idea, he didn't want a relationship with anyone, nor did I. But throught that time, while we dated and had sex, we talked almost every day, we became like good friends. All of the sudden he stopped contacting me first, I didn't want to bother him. But one day I realised what I want and explained my feelings for him and that I want more, he said that he has a GF. I was not so hurt as shocked, because all of the sudden he is in a serious relationship with someone he knows for couple of days? That were my thoughts, then I realised he probably dated us both. I moved on, I was fine with it.

I completely erased this guy and told him that he was unfair and that I never want to hear from him again, or see him or even greet him on the street.

A year after that, he contacts me again. I texted him back, he asks me out. I was curious, so I went out with him as a normal person, just to hang out and talk. He kisses me, I pushed him smiled and said goodbye. He texts me that night saying how he had a great time with me. I said me too. The next thing he asks me if I am for some hooks up with him, nothing serious. I lied to him that I am not sure about that and that would be a good idea and went to sleep...The next moring I lied that I had some thing going on with someone, and that I need to solve it. He said that no one needs to know about it.
The next day we met and hanged out, after we slept together I vanished so quickly saying I need to go home. He texts me two days later, I say I had good time with him and stuff...
We arrange a hook up at some place 2 days later. That was a week ago. We were suposed to hang out naked, Instead he told me that place was close, so we went to a near by pub and hangged out as friends for 2 hours. I've felt like he did this on purpose. He knew it was close, but he agreed, then he takes me to a cloth on hang outs, kissing and holding hands. WTF?

I know its simple when a guy says he doesn't want a relationship, he doesn't want it.
We haven't talk for a week because he is on a business trip in another country. I keep it simple, I don't initiate texts, I keep them simple and that is it.
I don't know if I should go NC and stop this and vanish again.
Or to text him when Christmas is over ask him if he wants to hang outs...Something like "hey, long time no see, miss you, want to hang out?" Then when we meet just to talk to him about my feelings face to face. I sound pathetic...

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