Dating: When, Why, How, To Use No Contact

There are many dating rules out there, but it’s the tried and true ones, the old fashioned traditional ways of doing things, that really do work, which is why certain rules have held true and lasted over the years.

One of those rules happens to be the No Contact Rule. In this handy little guide, I’m going to explain to you the how, when and why’s of this rule: how to use no contact, when to use no contact and why to use no contact when dating. Because this handy little dating rule serves more than just one purpose and has more than just one use.

I’m going to be speaking to the ladies here, but men, this applies to you as well. But I don’t have to tell you that. You guys are well versed in this dating rule and put it to use regularly. But for those men who may not be familiar with it, read on.

When And Why To Use The No Contact Rule When Dating

When A Man Suddenly Disappears On You

No Contact is a handy little trick to attempt to lure someone back to you – by disappearing on THEM. As most women already know, powerful attraction builds for a man that suddenly, and without warning, disappears. Why? Because you begin to think about them constantly.

Where did he go? Is there someone else? Why did he disappear? It doesn’t matter if all the thinking taking place is actually negative in nature, it only matters that all that thinking is actually taking place.

Why?

Because when someone thinks about you constantly, it actually creates intense attraction for them. Playing hard to get works, ladies, which is why it’s another one of those good ole’ fashioned rules that’s stuck around. Psychologically, people tend to want what they can’t have. It’s called the Law of Scarcity and it works in economics and in relationships.

It’s a scientific fact – uncertainty heightens romantic attraction. So if you’re worried he’ll think you’re not interested and then be gone for good, don’t bother thinking that. That’s just your insecurities talking, that’s just you thinking you’re not good enough. But YOU ARE good enough. Have faith in yourself that you’re worth it – and that he thinks you are, too. Don’t sell yourself short because how you perceive yourself – is how others will perceive you as well.

You see, when he’s uncertain as to whether or not you really like him, it’s actually a good thing. It keeps him interested. It keeps him coming around. It makes him want to win you over. It makes him work harder at the relationship. All those things it does to you when it happens to you – it does to him as well.

When a man disappears on you and you worry that he may be gone for good - when he resurfaces suddenly, do you kick him to the curb? Nope. Well, it works the same for men, gals. When you disappear on them suddenly and without warning and then you resurface out of nowhere, they’re unlikely to kick you to the curb. Rather, nine times out of ten, the individual is thrilled you’ve returned.

Men know this, ladies. They use this dating rule regularly – on YOU.

When You Want Your Ex Back

This handy dandy little dating rule can also be used to lure an ex back into your tangled web. If you’ve overwhelmed your ex with neediness, emotional displays, tons of questions about his feelings for you, anger and frustration and, as a result, he dumped you and now you want him back - employ the rule of no contact immediately. Why? To make him think he was wrong about you - and to make him miss you.

Why?

Because men are human too, ladies. They miss people and they’ll miss you when you suddenly disappear and they’re ringing your phone and texting you and you’re not answering or responding to them. That’s when the roles gets reversed and now THEY’RE thinking about YOU constantly. And all that thinking, negative or not, is actually going to create an intense attraction for you. The point is to stay away so long that the man actually begins to “long” for you.

Men equate “longing” for someone with love, ladies.

To Get Over A Man

Yep, the no contact rule is truly a handy dandy little rule with lots of uses. And the last use is to help you get over a bad breakup with a man – to help you emotionally detach from him. Why do you want to detach from him? So you can move on, think about him less, and allow room to meet other men and cease the unhealthy obsessive thought patterns and embarrassing behavior that ultimately, only makes you feel worse about yourself and helpless.

Why?

You see, when you desperately hang on, when you remain in communication with an ex, you’re doing yourself a big injustice. You’ll never get over him if you’re still communicating with him. So do yourself a big ole’ favor here and stop doing that, right now.

If you want the pain to go away, ladies – you have to make HIM go away, because he IS your pain.

How To Use The No Contact Rule When Dating

When A Man Suddenly Disappears On You OR When You Want Your Ex Back

Generally, the no contact rule is a 30 day rule. How to do this is, when a guy suddenly disappears on you without warning or breaks up with you and you want him to notice you again, you get his attention by suddenly disappearing on HIM – you make him experience the consequences.

It’s what’s best for him and you. That’s how you learn lessons in life, that’s how you learn not to repeat your mistakes and that’s how you experience personal growth and develop coping skills. And yes, they call them “growing pains” for a reason – they hurt. So expect it to hurt and brace yourself for a wonderful period of self-awareness and personal growth.

You disappear for 30 days. You do not take his calls. You do not respond to his texts. You do not communicate with him via social media. You do not communicate or respond at all, period, for 30 days. You stay gone and all he hears are crickets chirping in the dead of night.

After not hearing from you or receiving a response from you for 30 days, he'll begin to think this . . watch the video below, a song called "Madness" by Muse, and pay close attention to what this man is doing in these lyrics here - he's THINKING - about the WOMAN, and what HE did WRONG and how he's now READY to face the fact that he needs to LOVE:

Some woman most likely pulled "no contact" on his ass there.

So then, after a 30 day time period (30 days from the time you decided to use the no contact rule) and lots of time for him to think, you suddenly and without warning – resurface. And you do so by either:

1.) Finally responding to a question from one of his last communications (if he’s asked one)

2.) Simply saying, “Hello, how are you?”

And when communication is reinstated – you keep it short and sweet. You don’t share your emotions, you don’t cry, you don’t text back and forth like lightening for 5 hours and you don’t have long, drawn out 3 hour telephone conversations in an attempt to hash things out. You play it cool. You’re busy, you’re independent, you’re confident and you have a life. You “check in” is all. You make small talk and nothing more.

And from that point forward, you play it cool. You take an hour or so to respond to texts. You return calls a day or so later. You don’t accept last minute date requests, he has to make plans with you 3 days in advance or – you’ve already made plans (even if you haven’t, you pretend as if you have – remember, you have a life and you want to give him the impression that you’re busy, healthy and others desire your time as well). This is how you set healthy boundaries, earn respect and get him to treat you with fairness and kindness.

If he’s started out after the no contact period correctly but then suddenly relapses into bad behavior again, then you employ “behavioral mirroring” with him. If he disappears on you for 3 days, you don’t respond for 3 days. If he takes 24 hours to answer a text, you take 24 hours to respond. If he says he’ll call and he doesn’t, when he does, you don’t answer it and you respond to it 3 to 5 days later. And if he really begins misbehaving and taking you for granted again – you employ the no contact rule all over again for 30 days. This is how you create fairness and balance in a relationship and how you hold your own and you don’t get plowed over again.

This is how you earn a man’s respect, ladies. If you’re a pushover, then that’s exactly what he’s going to do to you – push you over.

When You Need To Get Over A Man Or A Breakup

Breakups hurt, rejection hurts. And most times, they hurt women more than men because of all the emotions women are capable of having that men are not. Men don’t analyze things or beat themselves up. Men PROJECT their emotions – outward and onto others. Women ABSORB their emotions – and beat themselves up.

If you want the pain to go away, you need to walk through those emotions and accept the reality. The only way to get rid of the pain is to feel the pain, to work through it and to learn to cope with your emotions in a healthy manner. To make that process much easier for yourself, you employ the no contact rule.

You do not, under any circumstances, communicate with the man. If you do, you’ll have to experience the consequences of your OWN decisions here – you’ll experience pain again, because you’ve permitted it. So you ignore his calls, you don’t respond to his texts, you remove him from any of your social media profiles and you put the past in the past.

If you remain in contact with your ex, you’ll never heal and you’ll continue to experience the hurt. You must cease contact for your own good. If you want the pain to go away, get rid of the pain – he IS your pain - and you need to get rid of him.

This will help you to think of him less and less as the days go on. You will begin to detach from him and from all of the negative emotions and damaging thought processes. You will no longer feel the intense desire to cling to him or to reach out to him. You will begin to feel better about yourself and you will begin to make room in your life for a new man – one that treats you with respect and kindness.

Using the no contact rule to get over a man - helps you to actually get over him.

And there you have it, a handy dandy little guide to employing the no contact rule properly when dating. There are many times in life ladies, that you must learn to say “no” and actually take responsibility for your own happiness and stop blaming the man when it’s actually YOU permitting this unhappiness. If you want things to change – then YOU have to change. You have to learn to be happy, with or without a man, and you need to stop living under the false impression that you need a man to make you happy.

Your happiness doesn’t come from a man, it comes from within yourself - and you radiate it, like warm sunshine.

So get comfortable with the phrases below:

“No, I won’t tolerate this.”

“No, this is unacceptable.”

“No, I won’t permit you to treat me like this”

“No, I will not be available to you when you treat me with disrespect and take me for granted.”

It’s Simple Gals

If you don’t look out for yourself and treat yourself with respect, then why would anyone else? Men want sex. Women want romance. So the best (and only) way for a man to have sex with you – is to romance you. Period, case closed. It’s a tradeoff, and a fair and equal one at that.

So make them do that, ladies: No romance = no sex. It’s simple.

Learn to say “no” and set healthy boundaries in your relationships and you will actually find that you will begin to feel empowered. You will develop a healthy self-esteem. You will feel confident. You will signal to men that you need to be treated with respect. You will grow dignity. You will find that you worry less and less about impressing a man – and you become more and more focused on a man impressing YOU (romancing you).

You have something he wants (sex): Make him work for it (romance).

Do that and you will be happy. You will be treated with respect and kindness. Give it away for free and you’ll be taken for granted by a man who never wants to lift a finger for you or impress you or give you what you need (romance).

This is not game playing, ladies. This is setting healthy boundaries for yourself, looking out for yourself and earning respect for yourself – and making a man treat you with such.

And here’s the harsh reality, ladies. Recent studies have shown that the modern day woman kisses approximately 75 frogs before finding her Prince Charming. So realize that when you stand your ground and demand respect, lazy men, users, and players seeking sex for free will walk away from you. But that’s a good thing because you’re weeding your way through the worthless ones that would’ve only hurt you anyway.

So if 74 frogs leap away from you – realize that the 75th is on his way to you.

It’s the good ole’ fashioned way of doing things. Back in the day, they called it courting. Try it, it works.

2516 Comments:

«Oldest ‹Older 1801 – 2000 of 2516 Newer› Newest»

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 18, 2:26 AM,
That's really the best you can do to protect yourself here dear. Meaning, to ensure that things are kept balanced, so you don't get run over. Just stand tall, be confident and don't be afraid to walk away ;-); December 19, 2014 at 8:10 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 18, 4:48 PM,
"I don't know if I should go NC and stop this and vanish again"

That depends on what you're attempting to accomplish with him here. Meaning, this has been about nothing but sex from day one. You've agreed to hookups, and hanging out naked, so that's all this is about. If you're going to attempt to talk about having feelings for this man again - don't bother. If you do, you're going to have an exact repeat of the first occurrence with this man you had years ago. Because it's clear that this is only about sex to him, and that's not going to change. If it hasn't changed in years, it isn't going to :-(

And if you want a relationship, then you need to cease agreeing to let him use you sexually. If all you want is a hookup, then that works. But if you want more, then you need to make your words align with your actions. Meaning, right now you're agreeing to a hookup - you're actions are sexual, you're willingly hooking up with him. If you suddenly turn around and start talking about commitment and a relationship, it's going to look as if you say one thing, yet do something entirely different. It's going to look as if your words are not lining up with your actions.

So if you want a relationship with someone, you never agree to a hookup instead, because that's "settling" for less than you deserve. And if you're okay settling for less than you deserve, then your actions are signaling to the other person that it's okay for THEM to give you less than you deserve. People will always only treat you as poorly as YOU permit them to.

If you're okay with the hookup, then you shouldn't be sharing feelings with him. Because hooking up isn't about love, or feelings or a relationship - it's about sex - nothing more. Once you agree to a hookup, it's basically like agreeing to not talk about feelings or a relationship. It's agreeing to a sexual situation only, and those don't include feelings, love, etc.

So my advice would be to start making your words align with your actions. Meaning, if you're okay with the hookup, and you're okay with it being only about sex - then don't talk feelings with him. Because you've entered into a situation where you've more or less agreed for it to only be about sex.

If it's a relationship you want, then your actions need to fall in line with that - which means that you don't agree to a hookup, you don't settle for less than what you want. And you walk away from him to go find that with someone else if you have to.

It sounds to me as if maybe you feel, or you're hoping, that sex with lead to a relationship. Because you're wanting to share your feelings with him. If those feelings you want to share are all only about the fact that the last encounter wasn't a hookup - I'd save that and keep it to yourself. I wouldn't share that with him. Because the reality here is that this is a casual sex situation. And when you agree to enter into a situation like that, you more or less give up the right to expect things to happen a certain way. Because casual dating is sporadic in nature, nothing is a guarantee there. You have the right to feel the way you do. But you really don't have the right to make any demands of him or the situation because you've agree to a situation with him that doesn't place any demands on either person involved, ya' know? When you agree to a casual sex situation, you basically agree to "hang loose" on everything, casually, and without expectations.

So I'd suggest thinking about what it is that you really want - and then making your actions align with that. If you want only sex, then agree to only sex and don't ask for or expect anything more. If you want a relationship, then don't agree to a casual sex situation and settle for less than you deserve.; December 19, 2014 at 8:29 AM
Anonymous said...: From Lost in Chicago - thanks so much for your advice, that incredible YouTube link (which seemed to be speaking directly to me) and for getting me over this hump. I was feeling really depressed for these past few days, asking myself why is he treating me like this. Just made a contribution to your site, BTW:)

Although it was as clear as day that that sex was all he was looking for, he threw me off in a couple of ways: 1) with the texts just checking in which weren't at all sexual 2) by saying he didn't not want to see me because I was looking for more, going as far as to say that he should be looking to change as he approaches 40. Now I know better.

My plan is to not even bother responding to his texts anymore. Kick old boy to the curb and make him wonder what ever happened. Gots to keep it moving:) Thanks so much!; December 19, 2014 at 12:16 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi, I am just getting familiar with the site and it really makes a lot of sense. I've never experienced the pull back thing until now, but I am currently deep in the throes of it. I met this guy back in February and we both hit if off almost immediately. He was charming and attentive and asked me out to dinner on our first meeting. We went out about a week later, but we communicated daily through text and phone calls until then. The date went really well. He text to tell me how much fun he had and definitely wanted to do it again to see what could come of it all. This continued for about 3 weeks and then I felt him slowing pulling away. He asked me how I truely felt about him, which I thought was strange, then after I answered that I liked him, but wasn't trying to be the clingy, needy chick, he pretty much completley disappeared. Strange, huh?
Just this past October, I ran into him again. Not because he intiated it, but because he's a bus driver and his schedule and route changed. I started seeing him once or twice a week, just going about my travels. When I would get on his bus, I'd smile and speak and keep it moving. Eventually after a couple of weeks, it seemed as though he couldn't take it anymore and asked that I stand up front with him and talk. We did, and eventually he asked and I agreed to give him another shot. We went on our 2nd date on Novmeber 9th. Again, it was really good. He texted a good morning message every day or there was some other contact. He texted me a couple of weeks later to ask me to have a romatic date with him at a local hotel, with dinner, drinks and intimacy. I agreed. A week after that he never mentioned it again. He texted me the night before Thanksgiving just to check in and say hi and I asked if we were still on and guess what. He never responded to the question, and never responded back to him. I saw him on his bus, and he was like "Hi BABY! I looked at him like he was crazy, but still smiled back. Two days after that, he saw me waiting on the bus stop going in the opposite direction and he stopped, got off his bus, dodged traffic to say that he was off on Monday and would come to my job to bring me lunch(this was a Friday). Again, nothing. I am of the opinion that this guy is crazy. LOL. Especially when you consider that I am 50 and he just turned 51. REALLY??? Oh yeah, I am a Cancer and he's a Sagittarius. So, what do you think is going on here.; December 19, 2014 at 2:05 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I'm usually pretty good at following your advice but this time I don't know what to do and would appreciate your guidance.
I met a guy online 2 weeks ago and we had a nice conversation (video chat) that lasted an hour or so. We exchanged a couple of emails over the past 2 weeks and he asked me if I would mind chatting over Skype this past week end. I agreed and told him that Sunday late afternoon would work best for me. To that he replied that he would be available only on Friday and Saturday. I told him that I'd be out Friday evening but would contact him as soon as I got home.
He was offline (on Skype) on Friday evening and messaged me on Saturday (he knew I wouldn't be available). I replied on Sunday. He replied 6 hours later that Sunday (Yesterday) asked me a question, and went offline right after I answered.
Is this some kind of power game? What should I do when he contacts me again? Confront him or ignore him for a couple of days? Thanks so much for your help.

Gem Gal; December 22, 2014 at 3:09 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 19, 2:05 PM,
"So, what do you think is going on here."

You sure this guy isn't married or currently involved/living with someone? He's acting very "sketchy" and flighty - like almost as if something is keeping him from being able to make commitments in advance and he's hiding something (something that's obviously in the way, but that he's not directly addressing).; December 22, 2014 at 6:33 PM
Anonymous said...: Well, he says that he lives alone and isn't married, but he also says that he's really into me. So, who knows. I just wished that he had left it as is when he disappeared the first time. But, he came at me again, and since I really liked him, I gave him another shot. I think that's it though. I'm not someone who deals in foolishness. However, I have read a lot a things about Sagittarius men and he definitely seems to fit the description. Though not an explanation for his behavior. Thanks for the feedback. I will continue to implement the no contact rule and without an explantion of his behavior. I don't see me even wanting him back. Thanks again.; December 23, 2014 at 3:38 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 22, 3:09 PM,
"Is this some kind of power game?"

It may be. I don't put anything past men when it comes to online dating because I've seen so very many of them acting childish, like kids in a candy store, when dating online as if it's a big game of some sort that they're not taking seriously and instead are just getting a kick out of pushing buttons and seeing the reaction they get from it. But the only way to truly know if it's a power play versus just some crossed wires is to see what happens in the future with him - observation over a length of time - because it's a bit too soon to tell.

However, if your gut is ringing alarm bells in your head, then I say listen to your gut. Because I firmly do believe that a woman's gut will not steer her wrong. It's a built in survival mechanism that provides "warnings" when danger is present. And ignoring it can put you at risk of getting hurt, used, etc.

"What should I do when he contacts me again? Confront him or ignore him for a couple of days?"

No - don't confront him. That's never a good thing because communicating like that only puts the other person on defense - and they shut down to you, tune you out, and things quickly spiral out of control into a battle. Instead, play it cool, don't change YOUR behavior and simply OBSERVE his. Don't jump on his communications, take your time and respond back. If he's serious and he's not playing a game, he'll behave maturely and he'll speed his communications up in an attempt to smooth things out and get things moving in the right direction with you - he'll become "straight" with you.

BUT - if he's a childish individual that's simply "playing" online and toying with women there, getting a kick out of the reactions he's getting. . .he'll soon give himself away as such through his own reactions to your NON-REACTION, and you'll have your answer. If you pace things out, remain dignified, calm and patient, do not begin revolving your schedule or your life around him to accommodate him, and simply observe him and his reactions and approach as a man - you'll get a better idea of what's taking place here.

If you see this pattern repeating with him, as if he's fighting for control and he's unwilling to be understanding and he's somewhat signaling that he instead expects you to begin rearranging your schedule to accommodate him - then run - just run and get the hell away from him LOL ;-); December 28, 2014 at 10:41 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks for your feedback, Mirror. You were so right. He did come back and tried to "speed up his communication" but I was a little turned off by his previous behavior and wasn't really responsive. The last email I sent him was a short response without follow up questions (as I would normally do) and he hasn't replied yet (it's been 2 days). I'll try to be "normal" and keep observing (he he ever comes back). Thanks again for your help. You're the best.; December 29, 2014 at 10:33 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello Mirror, ladies. Season's Greetings to all of you. This is Anonymous with the clever and crafty ex.

So we had dinner, which he planned and executed (made reservations, called from overseas to confirm, hauled his a** from the airport, etc.) - which is as it should be. He was the perfect gentleman, and I kept the conversation light and fun ... and apparently did too good a job because he became affectionate and wanted to come home with me that night. I said no.

We met again the next day, at his request. I was reluctant to, as I wanted to pace things and space out our contact. Again, I must have done too good a job of being light fun and flirty because he was all affectionate and again wanted to come over that night, to which I demurred. He was also teasing and testing, in the way that Sherry Argov describes in her books - how guys "test" you to see if you'll crack like melba toast or will stand up for yourself. I stood up for myself and gave it right back to him.

What was clear was that the "no contact" REALLY bothered him. He alluded to the fact that he had tried contacting me several times (for various reasons - to give me stuff, including furniture made of a very rare and exotic wood, for work-related matters, etc.) but he did not receive any response. What was also clear was that he was REALLY happy to see me again. At one point, he said I was "so pissed" with him which I corrected immediately, reminding him that it was HE who broke up and walked away. So, since he didn't want to talk to me, I didn't. To which the clever fellow said he didn't walk away, he merely "suspended" things! So, Mirror, you were absolutely spot on about this guy expecting me to chase him and snapping his fingers. What an arrogant a**!

Mirror, NC really is the mother of all nuclear bombs insofar as these devices go. I could tell it really bothered him. We did talk about various "issues" for a bit, and left those for further discussion. He has now gone off on a trip, and I am travelling myself soon. Here's the thing. He's gone and pulled back, again. He knows it was my birthday, and we had spent half a day looking for this item that he wanted to get for me (his idea, not mine; he insisted). Yet, on the day itself, nothing - crickets. I don't think he's lost a limb whilst travelling or that his phone got sucked up in a hurricane. Really, how difficult is it to send one text to wish someone well on their special day? That pissed me off. It was disappointing, to be honest, and I was hurt (a little). I expected more.

So, now I think he's back to his games again. I'm tired. I don't want to play, but as you said, they insist on it, so I'll be the coach. I would also pull back - in a BIG way. I would do NC for the same amount of time he's gone silent, and possibly for a whole month, to draw him out and see what his next move(s) will be. Or perhaps I'll walk this time. Because if it was meant to be, somehow, it will be. What do you think, Mirror? Thanks again.; December 30, 2014 at 9:37 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 30, 9:37 PM,
I agree dear - he needs a stronger dose, or he needs to be cut off for good. He's returned and is now "suspending" things again it seems. I think this guy has some control issues. He insists on being the one in control of things, calling if off and suspending it when he sees fit, and then believing he can trigger your insecurities by doing so in an attempt to gain the upper hand and get you to chase.

He circled back around and his WORDS did NOT align with his ACTIONS. He claims speaking to you once again was important, he claimed he wanted to acknowledge your birthday, he claimed he wanted to see you again. . .but all he REALLY did - was attempt to receive sex - TWICE. He "buttered" you up with good vibes, as if he really intended this to go somewhere this time, hoping that this would get you believing things were real - and then he pulled a disappearing act again, attempting to see if all that sweet talk this time around would be the ticket to get you going, give him the upper hand, and have you chase him. It's almost as if his entire goal here is to gain the upper hand, and he'll do and say whatever he has to, and disappear as much as he has to, to see that happen.

And that tells me that secretly, he's an insecure guy that gets wrapped up in power games in relationships. That tells me that this really isn't about relationships for him, so much as it's about being in control of others and their emotions, and being able to "trigger" them at will (using his little "suspend" technique). I think what really pleases him, and what he really gains joy from, is being in control and being able to push others buttons - because it probably reassures him in some way, and makes him feel like a man (because secretly I think he's insecure). And I think that YOU triggered HIS insecurities when you used NC on him. It bothered him greatly (because it signaled that he has lost control, and now someone was able to push HIS buttons), and he circled around to try and reassure himself that "he's still got it" in some way. Hence, "suspension" number two.

If this one circles around again, and you decide to continue talking to him, stand your ground with him. Based on his actions, I believe he'll run you over if he can (to make himself feel better about himself and be the one in control). It's no coincidence that he ignored your birthday. That was done on purpose to "trigger" your insecurities. He buttered you up with good vibes when he was here and he made promises. Then he didn't follow through with them on purpose - so that you'd get upset, become extremely emotional, become extremely insecure, and give chase (and all of the power over to him). This was all done on purpose to "weaken" you emotionally.

Don't fall for it, it's a ruse. It's clear what he's up to here, so stand your ground - or walk away for good. Because I don't think he's going to change anytime soon. And this is the reason I often tell women that insecure men do NOT make for good boyfriends, husbands and lovers. They play too many of these games in a constant effort to reassure themselves and gain power over others so that they feel good about themselves. And they often need a LOT of female attention, from a LOT of different women, in order to do that. Most insecure men are often cheats as well because of that hefty "need" they have - insecure men are very needy of lots of attention and control. So whatever you do, don't fall for this trap. Stand your ground, keep a lot of distance there, or simply walk away. Because I don't think a 3rd time around would end any differently with this one :-(; December 31, 2014 at 9:43 AM
Anonymous said...: Umm. Make that THREE times. The day after the dinner when he wanted to come over and I said no, he called WHEN he was on his way over. We had met earlier in the day and I thought I was done with him for the day, not intending to see him again that evening. I should have stood my ground, I know. UGH. All that reading up and preparation ... like another lady (GEM50?) said in this forum, it takes some practice to get the hang of this. I'm beating myself up a bit, but I'm getting it (I hope).

Even before the actual date (of my birthday), on hindsight, something was not sitting well with me. He asked me when my birthday was (he "thought" it is 3 months hence) ... when he well knows it, as we had celebrated the previous 2 years and in fact had had a really nice dinner the year before. He claimed he had "forgotten". Right. I'm not buying that.

I have read your comments elsewhere in this forum about insecure guys, and to be honest, I had never figured him for one (although the question did raise itself after reading/researching here during the 1st NC period). It did occur to me however that he likes to be in control - at all times. But insecurity? I mean, accomplishments and achievements and credentials (and all the rest of that aside), he doesn't seem like the archetypal insecure guy. In fact, he is sure of himself, exudes confidence and, when he chooses, is full of charm and warmth and, on occasion - even a great deal of emotion and vulnerability (in relation to certain things) that seem genuine (and which I happen to know are genuine). How is that?

And, if he wants me to chase, isn't that self-defeating? I mean, guys like the thrill of the chase, the hunt, the mental challenge and all of that, right? So, when a woman chases and they lose interest, power-trip aside, isn't that self-defeating? Or is the objective simply to push buttons and gain control - am I missing something here? Argov was talking about the good guys, the quality guys, the decent guys, right?

No, I'm not falling for that ruse. Particularly when he also knows that his not calling when travelling, is not something I stand for. He knows that because we talked about it previously. And he's done that again, deliberately. You are right, Mirror, who needs a guy around that evokes good, then bad feelings? To be honest, I was well in my stride and very happy with where I was in my life (work, friends, travelling, hobbies) before he re-entered the scene, and those 2 days of contact left me feeling somewhat off-kilter. As well, I was actually glad for the distance and pulling back as I had also intended to put some distance between us to regain balance.

Again, thank you for the time and thought that goes into these detailed responses. Happy New Year to you and the ladies!; December 31, 2014 at 12:08 PM
Anonymous said...: Oh, and I forgot to mention, he actually called me a "f'in b***h" half in jest at one point. Which I took as a compliment. Cheers to all!; December 31, 2014 at 12:33 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 31, 12:08 PM,
"But insecurity? . . .he doesn't seem like the archetypal insecure guy. . .he is sure of himself, exudes confidence and, when he chooses, is full of charm and warmth and, on occasion - even a great deal of emotion and vulnerability that seem genuine. How is that?"

Well insecurity is not something people wear like an obvious sign. Most times, it's hidden within their actions only. And while many folks tend to think that insecure individuals, men and women both, should appear as "woe is me" down in the dumps folks that are timid and sad, the truth is that often times, insecure individuals appear as confident - because they OVERCOMPENSATE for it. They hide it well, and they often disguise it in successful ways. And it's only through a pattern of behavior that it begins to appear.

And when insecurity begins to appear, you will find it hidden in a layer of "fear."

Let's look at an example of an insecure women for instance. An insecure woman can be a very beautiful, attractive, successful woman who does well socially and otherwise and for all appearances, seems to be well adjusted. At that point, her insecurities are cloaked and being managed, they're not on display.

But let's say this woman gets into a relationship. And she's got some secret fears with relationships. Everything appears to go well at first, but then comes the day that the man is out of touch for 2 days in a row. And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, because of her secret fears - this seemingly well adjusted, likable, successful woman - starts to come unglued and begins to go off the rails. She does a complete 360 turnabout, and now, this seemingly well adjusted woman is blowing up this guys phone, leaving nasty messages, then a half hour later, calling back crying and apologizing, regretting those actions. Then a few hours later, there's another nasty message left and she's making threats and her emotions are out of control. Why is that? Why all of a sudden is this seemingly well adjusted woman's behavior taking a turn?

Because the event triggered her insecurities. She had been managing them well, but they were still there and now that they've been triggered, her behavior has shifted and this woman who is beautiful, attractive, successful and likable - is now behaving like a witch.

It works the same way with men. And with men, it sometimes starts to reveal itself with a heavy need for control. So you have to ask yourself, why does this seemingly likable, successful, attractive man have such a heavy need for control and having everything go his way when he snaps his fingers? I mean, if he's confident, wouldn't he simply remain unswayed and steady? Yea, he would - IF he were confident. So again, why the need for such control?

Because he FEARS losing it. And it's this fear that is now steering the wheel. And where does this fear of losing control stem from? It could be from anywhere. It could be from a childhood full of chaos that he's now acting out in adulthood on by creating "order" everywhere around him. It could be from getting hurt in an early relationship with a woman in his life, and he fears that happening again, so whenever he starts to lose control - his insecurities (fear) are triggered and his behavior suddenly shifts to that of an a**hole. So he begins to try to reign control back in and starts to overcompensate for his lack of it by pulling stunts meant to get a big reaction. He may be afraid the woman will hurt him, he may be afraid of being vulnerable and emotional about it, he may be afraid of feeling bad like he once did before long ago - so his behavior suddenly shifts on a dime- to hurt the woman first, before she can hurt him (self-protection).

Cont...; January 1, 2015 at 11:24 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Those are just a few of the examples of how insecurity works, how it can suddenly be "triggered" in others, and how it is carried and cloaked, and how to spot it. Again, it will start to reveal itself through "fear" and then a sudden change of action (behaviors).

"And, if he wants me to chase, isn't that self-defeating?"

Yep, it is - and men do this all the time without even knowing it. They THINK they want a woman to pursue them. They request that she does. And then all of a sudden, they are no longer attracted to her and they don't even know why. The reason is because the natural gender roles have been shifted and the woman is now in the masculine lead role, while the man has suddenly slipped into the feminine, submissive role. This flip flop feels unnatural to men and it diminishes their attractions most times - yet they're the ones who've brought this whole thing on, even if unintentionally. Which is why I always suggest that woman NOT listen to men who invite them to do this, and instead, remain in the feminine submissive role. Because a lot of men are not self-aware enough to realize that what they WANT, and what they NEED, are two different things, so they go around shooting themselves in the foot all the time and cannot figure out why they cannot remain attracted to a single woman.

"Argov was talking about the good guys, the quality guys, the decent guys, right?"

I think in her book, she was talking about men in general. I believe she personally interviewed thousands of them, probably both good and bad.

"he also knows that his not calling when travelling, is not something I stand for. He knows that because we talked about it previously. And he's done that again, deliberately"

That's because this man understands how insecurity works. He understands that it lives in "fear" - and he does these things deliberately to "trigger" those fears and bring insecurities to the surface to gain the upper hand (because of his own "fear" of losing control).

This guy is very adept at this stuff dear, don't let him fool you. He clearly has a deep understanding of how insecurity works and he knows exactly what buttons to push to trigger it. And I believe it's his own fear and insecurity that causes him to behave like this. I believe his heavy need to control others emotionally stems from his own fear of losing control. And that's most likely related to self-preservation in a way, meaning, he fears he could be hurt and he doesn't want that to happen. So he maintains tight control, pulls stunts to get it, triggers insecurities in others by doing so and weakens them emotionally - to make sure he comes out on top and isn't the one getting hurt. I know people who do this regularly. I know several people who will openly admit that they fear being hurt and abandoned by others, so they need a lot of control over others to make sure that if they sense they may get hurt - they'll strike first as a form of self-preservation. They'll hurt you before you hurt them. It's a defense mechanism and a lot of times, it stems from abandonment issues and a fear of being hurt or being alone, which makes them insecure about the entire issue, and cause them to overcompensate with a heavy need for control. Insecurity is generally a lot more complicated that surface appearances. Instead, it's layered deep within the psyche and it's only through a pattern of behavior that it starts to become apparent.; January 1, 2015 at 11:24 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror.

I have been thinking on your response, particularly about self-preservation and "striking first" as a defence mechanism, and it makes a lot of sense. I have been guilty of that myself in the past, and made a conscious choice to change that.

Considering the events that led to the break-up (or "suspension"), to be fair, I did contribute to that (as I alluded to earlier). We were going through a really rough patch and he had distanced himself, to the point where I questioned if he intended for us to go our separate ways and move on. That really upset him, understandably; at the time, I did not understand how his behaviour was intended to trigger my insecurities. I think it is fair to say that I had, in that sense, undermined the relationship and with the "chasing" (for answers), that caused him to go off the proverbial cliff (as he later said). In guy-speak, I can see how from his perspective he would have seen that as his understandable (if not justifiable) reaction to a bad situation. I am not making excuses for him, just trying to understand how his thought process would have worked through those events.

So now, I see that his defence mechanism has caused him to pull back again (in an attempt to trigger my insecurities and fear AGAIN), as you pointed out, because HE now feels vulnerable and fears getting hurt AGAIN. And I think that this whole process is as much instinctual (with him) as it is deliberate (they're not mutually exclusive?), stemming from his deep understanding of human psychology and how insecurity and fear and their respective buttons operate.

My question is, how do I communicate to him in no uncertain terms (through action, not words), that I am on to this little "game", and that I am not falling for it or playing, again? That I am not that insecure woman who went careening off the cliff, ruled by her fear of losing him? I would still do NC ... right?

On a more general level, I know you advise that insecure men do not make for good boyfriends, lovers etc., but given that most if not all of us have our insecurities, what are your thoughts on dealing with situations where insecurities begin to manifest themselves? For starters, to not react to situations where others attempt to trigger your insecurities, to not let them push your buttons, by actually, physically, DOING things(taking action - e.g. silence) that make it clear you're not bothered? Because I think that part of what's happening here is he's testing to see how far he can go to regain the power and control he has lost, and which he thinks he has to some extent "won" during the time he was here.

*Postscript (update): Clever fellow re-surfaced last night (after 1 week) casually and nonchalantly (as though nothing had happened) asking if there was "any possibility" of dinner and drinks upon his return - no response. This was followed by 2 calls this morning - no response (I'm overseas and am not Boo Boo the fool waiting like a dog by the door for Papa Bear to return). I'm sensing some uncertainty and anxiety being processed here.

Thanks, Mirror. I know you hear this from the other ladies, but this forum has been a great help.; January 3, 2015 at 12:20 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA :)

My last post on this website dates from November 16, 2014 at 8:34 AM, and since then, I was finally able to leave his place. He wants me to be his friend and still continue to talk to his family. I very sincerely love his family, and I am very sad with the fact they might not be longer in my life. But he treated me appalingly, and I am not interested in being his friend or having a regular contact with him, much less a rekindle of the relationship ( not that he asked for it ). But either way, I came mostly to thank you again MOA, and hope you have a very good 2015 :); January 3, 2015 at 12:32 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 3, 12:20 AM,
"how do I communicate to him in no uncertain terms (through action, not words), that I am on to this little "game", and that I am not falling for it or playing, again?"

Well, the article you're commenting on here is titled, "Dating: When, Why, How to Use No Contact" - and the way to signal through actions and not words is that you're not standing for it - is to go silent and non-responsive to ANY of it. People keep doing things that work - when they stop working - they stop doing it.

If his antics no longer get a reaction or a response from you, then they will no longer work for him and if he's smart, he'll stop doing that and he'll take a different approach. So I'd suggest re-reading this article in full to again grasp the understanding of the power that no contact (no response) truly has. Additionally, it'll be good for you as well because it'll help you distance yourself from these stunts when he pulls them.

"given that most if not all of us have our insecurities, what are your thoughts on dealing with situations where insecurities begin to manifest themselves"

I suggest no reacting to them, again more or less NC. Because while we all do have insecurities, it's part of human nature - we all do NOT act them out on OTHERS. Just because you have them doesn't give you the right to lash out and act upon others using them as your excuse for doing so. Instead of acting out on others, the person needs to deal with them THEMSELVES in a healthy manner by using personal coping skills to do so. Because while many of our insecurities may never truly disappear - it is possible to MANAGE them in a healthy manner, rather than run around lashing out and projecting them onto others. And that's where personal coping skills come into play and become necessary. Running from emotions is not the way to deal with them. Facing them head on and dealing with them in a healthy manner and walking through them is the only way out of that negative cycle.

And one of the coping methods I often suggest, for YOUR own use when he's pushing your buttons and causing your anxiety levels to rise, is to release them through physical activities - instead of ACTING upon them in a self-destructive manner by chasing, questioning and interrogating. When you feel the need to pick up the phone, instead - get active physically somehow. Clean your house, go for a walk, go to the gym, go for a jog, walk your dog if you have one, go shopping, call a girlfriend for lunch - do anything physical to release that anxious energy in a healthy manner, instead of self-defeating and destructive one.; January 3, 2015 at 12:50 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi my name is Anna. I thought this article was marvelous! I met this guy on tinder and we seemed to have a lot in common. I am in college and he just graduated. We both go to different colleges about 3 hours away from each other, but our hometowns are only about a half hour away from each other. He would text me everyday, throughout the entire day, and talk about almost anything. He always carries the conversation on no matter how boring my last text could be. This texting had been going on for a bit more than 4 months. We have called and FaceTimed each other a couple times and eventually he told me that he liked me, which was over text. He would always ask me to come over to hangout and would always bring up random ideas of going places together over break when I am back at home, for instance going to a game or road trips. But this never happened because apart from saying these things he would never actually try to plan it even when I tried.
And now he disappeared on me and I'm not exactly sure what to think because who honestly would spend so much time talking to someone and tell someone that you like them, but not care to actually hangout. I did text him a couple days after he stopped responding but he never replied, so I stopped trying to contact him.
He has disappeared on me before, early on when we first started talking, but he random texted me once again after 2 weeks. I do get that this is a virtual friendship, but I find it a bit hard to believe that there was nothing there.
Now I really miss talking to him and can't stop thinking about him. Do you think this "No Contact" will work for me, or should I just drop him and get over him?; January 5, 2015 at 6:23 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 5, 6:23 PM,
"Do you think this "No Contact" will work for me, or should I just drop him and get over him?"

NC will ALWAYS work for YOU dear. Meaning, it will always help you to emotionally detach from a man in order to heal and move on.

If you're asking if it'll change him as an individual and make him become the man you want him to be, then no, there are no guarantees there unfortunately because that all depends on the level of interest the man has, which is out of your control regretfully.; January 6, 2015 at 5:35 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello. I'm hoping you can help. I think your site is great! I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 4 years. There is an age difference. I'm 7 years older. I'm early forties and he's mid thirties. We've broken up numerous times already, he would ignore me usually about a month, then contact me. The most recent breakup was 4 days ago over a stupid fight. Actually they were all stupid fights. In the past I would always beg him not to break up with me. He still would but we'd get back together after about a month. Well while he was belittling me and calling me all kinds of mean things - separation anxiety, control freak, trust issues, etc he said he had a date lined up the same evening he broke up with me. I didn't get upset I said to have fun on the date. It turns out there was no date. He can be very immature and enjoys saying things to get a reaction and piss me off. He did not get the reaction he wanted. I'm wondering if NC will apply here. Although we have a volatile relationship when we're good we're amazing. One little fight can really escalate with us and he calls it quits. I'm still hoping we can recover yet again. Please help!; January 7, 2015 at 2:08 PM
Anonymous said...: I have a bit of a different situation here and i want some help. I am he are Indian. I met this guy who is separated but not divorced. He is clearly separated and not interested in going back to his wife. He was honest with me on all of it from day 1. I still fell for him and we have a great chemistry. we have had great sex, exchanged "i love you". I have clearly mentioned i am looking for marriage. He is obviously not ready for it neither sure he may want it at all in future. He says he does not want to hurt me. I know he is not seeing anyone else yet. He says he will be deeply hurt but he understand if i have to meet someone else to get married. I cannot get over him even though i know all of this. I am deeply attracted and in love with him.I am willing to wait for him, but i have not said so to him. I stopped calling or messaging him 2 days ago. He messaged and we had short formal exchange of messages wherein i helped him with some work. Today is day 3. He has neither called nor messaged. what should i do ?; January 8, 2015 at 2:26 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 7, 2:08 PM,
"he was belittling me and calling me all kinds of mean things - separation anxiety, control freak, trust issues, etc. . .said he had a date lined up the same evening he broke up with me. . .turns out there was no date. . .enjoys saying things to get a reaction"

I hate to say this dear, but this man is NOT cut out for a relationship - he's still a child emotionally. He pushes buttons to get a reaction - and then he throws the negative reaction he gets in your face. And somehow YOU'RE to blame for this? I don't think so.

It's simple - if HE made you feel secure, you wouldn't suffer anxiety. If HE did not constantly behave in an inconsistent manner, you wouldn't feel the need to control. And if HE did not purposefully make you feel insecure ("he said he had a date lined up"), then you would not have trust issues.

Bottom line, for a happy, healthy relationship - you need to be with someone who brings out the BEST in you - not the worst. This guy does not bring out the best in you because of his actions, and then he blames you for that. It's incredibly toxic.

"Although we have a volatile relationship when we're good we're amazing"

But here's the thing - what grows in a volatile atmosphere? Anything? Does anything thrive in a volatile atmosphere? Not much of anything will grow and flourish in that type of atmosphere. Again, it's incredibly toxic. And the two seconds of "amazing" hardly make up for that. Enduring a volatile atmosphere and someone toying with you like a child and pushing your buttons the majority of the time and hanging onto the smidgen of "amazing" that happens isn't the way a relationship is supposed to be, ya' know?

"One little fight can really escalate with us and he calls it quits"

And you don't think that's on purpose too? Meaning - you don't think he does this so that he can have a "break" from the relationship that then permits him to date others during that breakup, have one night stands during that breakup and run around with the guys behaving badly?

I think this guy knows exactly how to game this situation to the best of his advantage and I've seen this before. All the toying and pranking, when the reality is that he's immature and insecure and needy himself - he needs the reassurance from these pranks to make himself feel better - and then when he feels like running around and acting on those impulses, he purposefully starts a fight so he can have a bit of freedom to run around and do as he pleases - and a legitimate reason to get away with it.

"I'm wondering if NC will apply here"

For you to emotionally detach from him to gain clarity and a breath of fresh air from all the drama he dredges up? Yea, it'll apply. But if you're thinking this will make him stop behaving like this then no, it probably won't and my guess would be he would simply consider this another nice break, and he'd run around and do his own thing and maybe even have some casual sex for the month or so until it's time to return, yet again.

He's playing things (and you) like a fiddle here dear :-( He's got 100% control through his antics and I'd be fearful to think of how he's behaving during these breaks.

Cont...; January 8, 2015 at 5:47 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "I'm still hoping we can recover yet again"

I don't mean to sound insensitive here buy - why? Why are you hoping to recover yet again? So you can do this all over again, and again, and again? There is no recover here and there never has been, which is why it continues to happen. If things were truly recovered, this wouldn't not continue to go on.

People can only treat you as poorly as you let them dear. Please reconsider and understand that each time you take him back, you are only inviting more of this upon yourself. Trying to make a relationship and commitment work with someone who isn't relationship ready and that fights a true commitment at every turn is like trying to pound a square peg into a round hole - it never fits right - ever.

True commitment requires maturity. It requires the maturity to understand that relationships are work, they require give and take, compromise, support of one another, understanding of one another and RESPECT for one another. If those ingredients aren't in a relationship - then it's not a relationship at all. . .it's a one way street :-(; January 8, 2015 at 5:48 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 8, 2:26 AM,
"what should i do?"

Start by reading this as I think it will help you to better understand what needs to be done:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html; January 8, 2015 at 6:06 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror, this is Anonymous Jan 3, 12:20 AM.

It is now almost 2 weeks of NC, and he has been calling, texting, leaving voice messages (something he's rarely if ever done) and texting some more. He's been dancing around the issue, asking questions about buying more stuff (he asked about correct sizes), and breezily "continuing" the "conversation" (via text). One of the communications was to the effect of: "Please pick up ... I need to talk to you about [buying stuff]! If you don't want to, at least answer the text ... I care about you" It's clear that he knows what he's done, otherwise he would pointedly ask (as he's done in the past when he's not done anything wrong): "I texted/called you at - ...??"

It seems so strange that once his little game backfired, now he's constantly in my face, reminding me that he exists. It really is a wondrous thing what a little silence and stepping back can do, it is a language they truly do understand. Still, I do wonder why he thinks I will respond to these inane messages when he's not gotten to the real issue ... it really makes me mad. I mean, do they think we are dumb??!!; January 11, 2015 at 1:01 AM
MaryAnn said...: Dear Mirror and Ladies,
This last summer, July 2014, I reconnected with my highschool prom date from 2005! We hung out a few times, and as there still seemed to be some chemistry, I decided to stay in contact with him. He lives in Oregon, and I am in Arizona, now, so this has mostly been long-distance. We would text every few days, and talk every week or two, so it wasn't too serious, but there's definitely been interest on both sides.

Over the holidays, I went back to Oregon, where I'm from originally, to be with family, but I ended up spending a good 50% of my time with him. He got me a Christmas present (I wasn't expecting it), we met each others families and I met some of his friends, and generally had a lovely time.

Both he and I were bummed when I didn't get to see him the day before I left, as he now lives an hour or so away from my parents and schedules didn't work out, but we talked the next day right after I got home, and everything seemed fine.

Then he went silent. 5 days later I texted, because he'd told me he was coming to my area in Arizona for a soccer tournament, so I wished him a safe flight, and to keep me posted about the schedule. I heard back from him a few times, but we weren't able to meet up. He was going back home today, and I texted again to wish him a safe flight back, and that I missed him. He said thanks, and that he was sorry schedules didn't work out. I responded saying it was fine, and to let me know when he got home. I still haven't heard back. :/

My question is... why would he go silent after the history of going to prom together, keeping in touch long-distance for 5 months, and getting me a present and having a lovely vacation together?!

Often, my responses have been rather light-hearted, as we both have our lives in different locations, and can't currently do much about our distance situation, but I wouldn't think those would make that much of a difference?I'm also not the greatest at expressing my emotions, which doesn't help. Sigh. :/

If you have any thoughts about this, and how I should proceed, please let me know. I've been crying all day.; January 11, 2015 at 11:42 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror, this is Anonymous Jan 3, 12:20 AM (with the clever and crafty ex).

I apologise for "double-posting". He has been texting and calling every day, which I have ignored - maintained NC. Earlier today, he had the gall to request for me to arrange for something next week - no response. This was followed by more calls and a very angry text.

What gives?? It seems he does not have the decency to apologise and make things right ... but now has the gall to get angry at me?? I know they will react badly to NC if they care; is this his ego reacting? Please help.; January 12, 2015 at 2:43 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror! I just finished reading the latest comment posted Anonymous Jan 3, 12:20 AM, about her DM sending her messages without getting to the real issue, and I am really curious to hear your take on that. My ex did exactly the same - we divorced and I moved back to my home country and he started sending messages about some of his stuff that earlier he had said he had no interest in, and about wanting to stop by because he needed a holiday etc. I never responded, for the same reason as Anonymous Jan 3, 12:20 AM writes: I did not like his skirting around the issue. His attempts ended with a dramatic "I have to say goodbye to you now' e-mail ending with 'with all my love [his name]'. Talk about mixed messages! I am no dummie of course, and I understood what he intended to do, but I wanted him to shape up and address the real issue like an adult. But he never did, he just reverted to the thing that he thought would hurt me most - a dramatic goodbye e-mail (one year after I divorced him...). I look forward to hearing what you think of this type of testing the water-messages, and how we should respond. Should we call it what it is or just ignore it until we get something worthwhile to respond to?; January 12, 2015 at 12:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @MaryAnn,
"why would he go silent after the history of going to prom together, keeping in touch long-distance for 5 months, and getting me a present and having a lovely vacation together?"

Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news dear, but the reality is that men generally speaking - do not, and are not, all that incredibly sentimental about those things. At least not the extent that women can be. To him, this is most likely just some basic events shared together, and he's probably not placing any emotions into them. It's a prom, some chit-chat and some time spent - and probably nothing more I'm afraid :-(

He may be distracted by life, he may have found someone else (sorry), he may have decided he doesn't want a relationship (or a long distance one) - or he could simply be a guy LOL. Meaning, you're not in a committed relationship with one another and therefore, he may not attach any sense of urgency or any obligation to stay in touch regularly to the situation.

In either event, if he's a true friend, he'll reappear and touch base again at some point in the future :-); January 13, 2015 at 6:13 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 12, 2:43 AM,
"is this his ego reacting?"

Most likely, but that's not really important. The only thing that's important is him doing the RIGHT thing. And if he's incapable of doing that and instead, only sprinkles more negativity and anger onto the situation - then he's not a man that's ready for a mature relationship anyway, so be glad you're not currently involved with him - because his ACTIONS are actually telling you a LOT here.; January 13, 2015 at 6:16 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 12, 12:26 PM,
"Should we call it what it is or just ignore it until we get something worthwhile to respond to?"

Well, there's not much to say - it is what it is, and they are who they are, ya' know?

When a man cannot bring himself to do the right thing by you, and to be a mature adult in the situation (one that's wise enough to know what the right thing to do is) - then what those actions are telling you is that the man isn't cut out for a real relationship and he's not worth your time.

Because real relationships require compromise, the ability to apologize, maturity, support, respect for one another (even when upset with each other) - things like that are the "glue" that binds. And when you have no glue holding it together - the relationship will eventually disintegrate.

There are certain skills that people must have in order to have a happy, healthy relationship. And when they do not possess those skills - ANY relationship they have will only be hanging on by a thread, until they self-sabotage it completely through their own behavior.

And when a man shows you that he does not possess the skills necessary to have a happy, healthy relationship - don't bother to waste your time with him, because he doesn't have what it takes for the long haul anyway.; January 13, 2015 at 6:22 PM
MaryAnn said...: Mirror, thank you for your comments. I never really thought about it like that. And that really sucks. :/ Is there anything I can or should do now?

I'm contemplating emailing or messaging him to say that I do really like him, have been crying over him for the past two days, and that even though I've seemed like it's no big deal to have missed him the day before I left, and and here at Phoenix, I was actually super bummed about it all. I really suck at expressing my emotions, and usually play off being "strong" or whatever.

Although now reading this, it seems like it would probably sound desperate if I did so. I could also ask to talk to him about it. I read your article, which says I should do no such thing, but sometimes it just seems so counterintuitive! :(; January 13, 2015 at 8:36 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror, this is Anonymous Jan 12, 2:43 AM. I have also read your response to Anonymous Jan 12, 12:26 PM.

The texts have not ceased, and now he's taken to emailing too ... about work, a topic he thinks it would be difficult for me to ignore him on. And he wants to go to dinner too, ostensibly for work purposes.

All these contacts amount to "pushing buttons", as you said earlier. He's not being upfront here. They're attempts at manipulation. If he were upfront, he'd have approached this upfront - by doing the right thing (he knows what that is), making things right and facing it head on like a man. And plainly, one of the reasons for his conduct is that he's still wrapped up in his pride and ego, and his little power games. I had some difficulty really "seeing" your explanation and understanding all this previously (even after you had explained it), but now I get it.

Here's the thing, I need to explain. He and I have collaborated on work matters before, and some of these efforts have proven to be invaluable in my work. Actually, in this area, he has been consistent, even extending help with small things. However, I'm taking a stance with him, standing up for myself, and communicating to him in no uncertain terms that I understand my own value AND I'm comfortable with walking away completely, work or no. It's up to him to step up - or not. Perhaps I no longer care. I'm so tired and hurt, I'm done. So as a matter of principle, not to mention pride and dignity, I would not respond to any of these attempts.

What would you do, Mirror? How would you handle this? Thanks much.; January 14, 2015 at 4:08 AM
Anonymous said...: Hey I love your page and I had a quick question.

Can you use No contact when they haven't done anything wrong, but you don't quite like how they are acting, or if they don't seem as friendly/interested as they were before?

I might just be acting needy because I kissed him too soon, but it's Wednesday and he hasn't asked me to hang out this weekend yet,

He asked me out last Tuesday for last weekend though so I know he knows how to ask out in a correct time frame.

Tell me what to do please?

-Confused Chica; January 14, 2015 at 12:25 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Confused Chica,
Well I really only suggest this to get over a breakup, detach emotionally from a man, or for a man who's treating you badly. I don't suggest it to attempt to speed the pace of things up. When casually dating, the man isn't going to ask you out every weekend. Dating "casually" means sporadically and not regularly. You really can't expect anything regular until the man asks for a commitment. So in your case, I'd simply continue on with my own life, enjoy time with my friends, family, hobbies and my own interests in the meantime, I'd continue dating other men (casually, no sex) - and if he wants me, he knows where to find me. If he'd like another date, he'll circle back around to ask for one :-); January 15, 2015 at 8:52 AM
Anonymous said...: Hey mirror... First, LOVE this website and your input!!!
Here's the deal-- I think I was too eager after my ex contacted me after NC and I'm not sure how to redeem except go NC again??
We broke up after 5 months bc he "needed time to himself" which i believe was bc he was getting a bit nervous about where we were heading. but anyway...I was very patient and didn't call etc then about 2 months later he writes saying how much he misses me. He said he needed that time for himself and he's sorry if his leaving hurt me.
I should also note the second thing he asked after "how are you" is if I was dating someone and I said no that I've been too busy. He said he will be happy for me if I do. I took that as he's moved on and just saying hi. But then he goes into how much misses me, misses this and that about me. He texts 2 days later and we chat for a bit.
I think I became too eager when he sent a pic of him with his friends at recent outing and I said he was looking sexy and missed seeing his face. He never responded, but he was on his way out the door...
My second bout of eagerness was I texted him a week later, just a simple hey have a good night... No response.
My questions... Did my eagerness scare him away? Why would he even get back in touch with me, to see if I'm still interested?? Was he just trying to clear his conscience bc he felt bad about leaving? Do you think he wants to start back up?
He's never been a player or an ass but I'm still confused if he's just testing the waters or what. I am trying not to expect anything but I don't get why he'd reappear only to disappear just as quickly!
Its also important to note we are ling distance right now, he wont be back in the state for at least a few months when his reserve duty is up.
Hope this makes sense... Any insight would be greatly appreciated!!; January 15, 2015 at 6:19 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror, this is Anonymous Jan 12, 2:43 AM.

I thought I would write and update you on the latest developments. As I said he had been texting, calling, emailing (and even resorted to a social media platform which I rarely use). So after more texts and calls today he texted: "I texted and called. If you want me to stop contacting you, then I will. I apologise for wanting to help you so much. I care about you and will always be here for you." The proverbial "farewell" text.

I thought hard about whether I would continue to ignore him, then after 3 hours decided to text back with: "I have always appreciated your help with [work matters]. But you are who you are, and you are clearly not ready for what I have to offer. Call me when you are ready to get real, I would be happy to talk over dinner. I wish you well, take care."

In response (5 minutes later), he feigned ignorance (he doesn't "quite get it" - of course he does), and offered to meet somewhere (no mention of dinner now) to "discuss whatever". He thanked me for texting as the silence was just awful and he was "at a loss" - and he didn't know if his cell phone had given out on him (right)! He then went on to state that he would be at a certain place at a certain time, and IF I was there we could make arrangements to meet for coffee (no dinner). He went quiet after that. There was no mention of the deliberately ignorant and hurtful behaviour he was guilty of.

So you see, he has retreated, big time. Actually, I doubt I will hear from him again, I think this is it. I don't think he expected this. You were right, as usual (not that I ever doubted that), this was all about power and control and never about me or a real relationship. In his parting message, he tried to assert whatever control he has left, but is plainly not ready to talk, to get real. As you said, his actions speak for themselves.

Well, I stood up for myself and ultimately this meant acting on my own value and doing what's best for myself - even if it means cutting him out of the picture and walking away. It doesn't feel good but I guess I did the right thing.; January 16, 2015 at 3:56 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 16, 3:56 AM,
"It doesn't feel good but I guess I did the right thing."

It SHOULD feel good. And all of that emotional manipulation he threw at you in those few words he shared should've made you angry:

"I apologise for wanting to help you so much (he's not helping anyone but himself at all, he's hurting you). . .I care about you and will always be here for you (that's obviously not true because if it were, he'd be meeting you for dinner and he'd also be apologizing). . .offered to meet somewhere (no mention of dinner now) to "discuss whatever" (if he cared as he says he does, and if he really intended to be there as he claims, again he'd be meeting you for dinner and he'd be apologizing, instead of feigning ignorance and calling it "whatever" in a dismissive manner to minimize his part in it all). . .He then went on to state that he would be at a certain place at a certain time, and IF I was there we could make arrangements to meet for coffee (he can't take you to dinner, but he expects you to chase after him at a certain place and time???). . .There was no mention of the deliberately ignorant and hurtful behaviour he was guilty of (so he "apologizes" for wanting to help so very much, but he doesn't apologize for his ignorant behavior???)

This guy's playing games big time and there's a TON of emotional manipulation and "trigger" words in his speech that are DELIBERATELY meant to deflect blame off of him and onto you somehow. He's minimizing his own actions that led to this situation in the first place, and he's taking it a step further by using manipulation and all these "buzz words" meant to "guilt" YOU instead.

That's a very cruel thing to do. It's toxic behavior and it's poisoned things. And after seeing just how cruel and manipulative he can be, you should be angry with him for attempting to pull that on you. You should not feel bad about it - you should feel proud that you were able to see through it, place blame where blame belongs, and remove yourself from the situation - because that takes STRENGTH.

He's weak and manipulative and he cannot bring himself to do the right thing. . .but YOU are STRONG and you are able to do the right thing. You don't have to resort to manipulative tactics for strength - but HE clearly does. And then he has the nerve to expect you to chase after him on top of it all. He actually expects those triggers and manipulative buzz words to make you sacrifice your dignity and chase him down and apologize to HIM.

Do you see what he's pulling here? The game he's running? And how cruel emotionally that is to attempt to spin this all off himself and onto you? I think this is a HUGE win for you and I would NOT feel bad about it in the least dear - you showed your STRENGTH while he's showed nothing but his weakness.; January 16, 2015 at 7:02 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 15, 6:19 PM,
"We broke up after 5 months because he "needed time to himself"

He's basically not ready for a committed relationship and doesn't want one, which is why he removed himself from the situation - because he wasn't prepared, nor does he want, to commit.

"I don't get why he'd reappear only to disappear just as quickly!"

Because that's how men who do not want commitment behave. They come and go, never committing to anything, and many times only return to reassure themselves that you're still there - willing and waiting. And once they receive that reassurance, off they go again.

Which is why when using NC - that means no contact AND no response - until either an apology is received or an invitation to "talk" is proposed. If neither of those two things happens, then the man will simply attempt to string things along forever by making a reappearance every 3 - 4 months or so and then disappearing again (because they don't want any commitments).

"I said he was looking sexy"

Don't compliment a man that's treated you, or is treating you, poorly and taking you for granted. When you do that, all you do is give him the reassurance he's seeking. And then once he feels reassured, he's relieve of any guilt and he's freed up to continue doing his own thing again - knowing you're still "hung up" on him in a sense.

"I texted him a week later, just a simple hey have a good night... No response."

The ONLY way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested in a relationship with her - is to see if HE pursues HER. And in order to observe that, the woman has to LET him do that by not initiating contact or pursuing HIM instead (and yes, men consider a woman phoning them pursuit). Read this piece written by a man on the topic:

http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/dont-initiate-contact.html

"Did my eagerness scare him away?"

Well, while it probably doesn't help (because it makes him feel obligated), the reality here is that this man simply doesn't want a commitment.

"Do you think he wants to start back up?"

Regretfully, I do not feel that his actions are showing that. If he wanted to start back up, his actions would follow suit with that. If he wanted to start back up - he wouldn't be ignoring you. Men who want a commitment or a relationship with a woman do NOT ignore the woman :-(

My suggestion would be to not respond to any further contacts from this man until he either apologizes for his ignorance and ignoring you, or invites you to "talk" about things. If his communications do not include either of those two things - then he gets no response. Because if you respond and continue letting him back in the door, he'll continue to string you along and disappear after he receives the reassurance that you're still there, willing and waiting on him.; January 16, 2015 at 7:17 AM
Anonymous said...: This is Anonymous Jan 16, 3:56 AM.

Mirror, you actually sound angry - angrier than I am (perhaps it hasn't completely sunk in, yet). But I did see that it was manipulative and guilt-inducing (whereas the guilt should lie with HIM), and I have had enough. Yes, it is cruel. And that is something I cannot wrap my head around. I would not do this to him, and yet he has no qualms doing this - to me.

I declined the offer to meet (chase) him and instead, told him that if he wanted to talk, we could do so over dinner. So now he has popped back on radar again, and is playing it cool/hard to get etc. He claims he's re-arranging appointments but even here, there is disrespect as he said he "will text again" - as though I am supposed to accept this and leave things hanging (not).

So what you said earlier about standing my ground and walking has come full circle. If the dinner takes place, and he's not talking within the first 15 minutes, I am leaving, and I am done. In the interest of self-preservation, I am not letting myself become emotional roadkill ever again.; January 16, 2015 at 11:34 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks for your responses MOA!! You know, when i was writing that previous post (5 months non committal guy), every time i wrote something i did for him i mentally kicked myself!! But it was after no contact hahaaa i got too excited i guess... im just used to his attention and afection te emotions came right back! But i must hold back i know!

i now see and am determined to remain NC. When we dated he always treated me like a queen and never ignored even a text. He did apologize for leaving but still, actions arent there. I guess i just have to realize hes no longer interested in me, thats ok. Ur blog reminded me- why force it? Im wishing good thoughts but not holding on, plenty of fish in the sea. Thanks again :) Samantha; January 16, 2015 at 2:38 PM
Anonymous said...: Sorry one more thing MOA... if he does write me and shows true interest, and wants to talk... do i go into how i felt and how ifeel hed treated me like garbage? Or is it beter i play it down, show im unaffected by his absence now?
I care but dont know if i should show it and how much if/when he breaks NC. Again, im not holding out hope but want to prepare myself... clearly when im unprepared like last time i lose my self control and al emotions , things i felt for him before, come out in my words.; January 16, 2015 at 2:53 PM
Anonymous said...: I met dis guy a year or so ago & in the beginning it was going good. He contacted me regularly & took me out. However things fizzled out. I wanted a relationship, but he said he doesn't have the time for one. He said I was pressuring him for a relationship, but I heard that from his friends & not me. Last year he would always contact me, but NEVER made plans & when he did he would always break them. I've decided to cut him off for good. He will still contact me but won't make time for me. Help!; January 16, 2015 at 10:47 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 16, 11:34 AM,
"Mirror, you actually sound angry - angrier than I am"

Yep - I do become very irate when I see this type of heavy manipulation directed at women - when I see men using women's emotions against them like that and to their own advantage. That's a very sneaky, cruel thing to do - and it signals that the individual perpetrating these offenses has some serious issues and they are not accountable for their own actions and instead - lay blame - on everyone else.

Shaming and guilting people in order to get them to do your bidding does not reflect positively on the individual doing this. It's manipulative, it's "fear" driven, it's ego based (meaning, they'll intentionally hurt others and play head games and mess with their emotions in order to gain control and make themselves feel better, because it's all about them - and they have very little consideration or respect for others or the negative lasting effects their behavior has on those they're directing all this negativity at) - and nothing positive ever comes from negative actions.

I honestly see that entire concept as abusive - it's emotional abuse. And it usually zips right into the territory of verbal abuse next (if they don't get their way or their ego doesn't feel satisfied by your response to their "triggers" that are meant to make you feel inferior to them so you'll cower to them).

Zero tolerance with abuse dear - zero.

It's all fear based with the perpetrator acting out their insecurities (feelings of inferiority) and projecting them onto those around them (domination over others to relieve feelings of inadequacy and gain control so they feel superior instead).

Taking this stance is what's best for you dear. Because, and I say this often, people can only treat you as poorly as YOU let them, ya' know?; January 17, 2015 at 12:04 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 16, 2:53 PM,
"if he does write me and shows true interest, and wants to talk... do i go into how i felt and how i feel he treated me like garbage?"

Not until he takes ACTION and follows through on HIS end - by agreeing to take you to dinner and treat you like a lady by meeting in a public place for this talk - and only after HE has actually TALKED. He initiated the talk, so he has to actually follow through and make plans for this talk to take place like mature adults, showing respect for you - and he actually DOES talk.

Then, after you meet and he has talked and shared his feelings - you can then freely share yours. But he has to follow through first, and this needs to take place in a public place (no drama), and it also needs to take place in a respectful, mature way (two adults conversing over dinner).; January 17, 2015 at 12:10 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA!

I've been dating this guy that lives a few hours away from me for about 3 months. We haven't dated many times so far as for different reasons the circumstances haven't allowed. However, despite the small number of dates, we have spent the night together and things are substantially more intense than you would expect with 3 dates. Recently, I got really frustrated with our situation since I haven't seen him in 2 months now (the reason for not seeing him being my absence). I got frustrated because I felt that his communication through texts doesn't allow us to have a good communication flow (he replies after hours).

For the past month he had been texting me nearly every day so as far as initiating was concerned I was happy. I was also frustrated because I didn't know where this was going despite having met him 3 months ago and I was worried he might just want something casual considering we have seen each other so little but we've spent a night together.

So about 5 days ago, I expressed everything to him. I told him I don't know about this situation, I felt I knew too little about him considering the time we've known each other, that I'm concerned he might just want sth on the side and that we see each other so little. He replied saying that he is open to having a relationship talk and I should have just asked him before. So, he said he doesn't want sth casual on the side but he wants to see where this goes and how it develops and he is open to that and that he wants to get to know me outside just texting from a distance and that the actual distance problem is not his fault as I had been away for so long and we have been unlucky with timing. (Continued...); January 18, 2015 at 4:10 PM
Anonymous said...: The conversation continued to the next day when at some point he dropped out of the conversation by not replying to my text which I'd sent in the morning as a continuation of the conversation. By that night I was so frustrated as this reminded me of his old behaviour. Why would he read my text and ignore it when he could just tell me he'll get back to me politely? So I didn't hold back and I sent him another text and asked him straight out - why do you do that? Why do you read my text and then get back to me 24hrs later? And he replied quickly, all angry and said that he had a hectic 2 days of 12hour schedules that went through the night and he just got back home and was about to reply and that I'm exaggerating that it happens often but 'whatever'. I replied and I explained calmly that its his business what he does during the day but nevertheless being ignored quite a few times and getting a reply the next day or the day after has created a certain perception in me of him that will take time to change even if he is acting better now. He didn't respond aggressively to that but instead he redirected the conversation to another part of that topic almost as if accepting what I said.

So MOA, despite his behaviour with communicating being consistent over the past month or so, after that conversation a few days ago I haven't heard nothing from him. What do you think of all this and how should I take it from here? He says he wants to get to know me more in terms of creating a relationship, but is his communication showing that? Should I expect daily messages from him or is it too much to ask for at this point? It disappoints me that he was doing so well up until this conversation and now he's gone back to his old self of 2 months ago when we'd just started dating and he was really elusive. I'm thinking that he's waiting to see what I do now after this conversation. He'll probably get in touch in a week or so which will make me so upset and I don't know honestly how I will go out with him when he visits (he visits often due to friends and family). Things could be so simple - like my girl - friends do, I could be receiving small thoughtful texts here and there like I was doing up until a week ago and then he'd visit and we would let this grow. But now I can see it...he's taking steps back and its not gonna progress like this...

Melissa; January 18, 2015 at 4:11 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Melissa,
"The conversation continued to the next day when at some point he dropped out of the conversation by not replying to my text which I'd sent in the morning as a continuation of the conversation."

The conversation was going to continue for 2 days??? When you confront things like this dear, and you get answers to your questions - you have to ACCEPT those answers and then drop the discussion. If you keep questioning, or asking the same questions over and over and just wording them differently, you're basically saying that you don't believe the first response you got and therefore, you now lack trust in the man - and you're also signaling to him that insecurities may be in control and you're unable to move past your fears and emotions. No one, not man or woman, is going to endure an exhausting 2 day long interrogation session that's emotionally charged with no end in sight, ya' know?

"Why would he read my text and ignore it when he could just tell me he'll get back to me politely?"

Because he had already answered all your questions the day before and you remained unsatisfied by his responses and as a result, you were about to continue the entire discussion into a 2nd day, which is draining and exhausting and not really healthy communication to be quite honest. When you overwhelm someone with your emotions, fears, worries, anxieties and insecurities - the natural human reaction to all of that negativity being directed at someone is for them to distance themselves from it dear. That's a very normal reaction to have. That situation creates extremely unpleasant feelings that folks just want to get away from, ya' know?

"I explained calmly that its his business what he does during the day but nevertheless being ignored quite a few times and getting a reply the next day or the day after has created a certain perception in me of him that will take time to change even if he is acting better now."

While I understand that, here's the thing. You CANNOT change people dear. They are who they are. When this happens and you find yourself unhappy or you find that the man you're with is unable to fulfill your needs - you don't try to talk him into changing who he is because honestly, it's a fruitless effort. Again, people are who they are. Instead, it's much wiser to accept the fact that the man is unable to make you happy, and to accept that you can't change him or who he is, accept that he's not the RIGHT man for you - and walk away to free yourself up to find a man who wants what you want, is able and willing to provide that, and is the RIGHT man for you. Because the reality is that most times, these "talks" only produce temporary changes and eventually, things go right back to the way they were - and you're at it all over again. And it becomes an unhealthy vicious cycle that never ends - because people are who they are and unless THEY want to change, things go back to more of the same.

"He says he wants to get to know me more in terms of creating a relationship, but is his communication showing that?"

Then you have no choice but to accept the reality, which is that he is who he is and most likely that won't change, and he's apparently not interested in a relationship dear :-( You can't force him to want what you want. You have to either accept him for who he is, or decide that he's not the right man for you and then walk away.

Cont. . .; January 20, 2015 at 7:41 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "Should I expect daily messages from him or is it too much to ask for at this point?"

No. When casually dating (irregular, non-committed, sporadic), you cannot expect relationship type communication (regular, committed, daily). The only time you can expect daily communication is if the man has expressed feelings for you (he loves you), and has asked you to enter into a committed relationship with you.

Contacting someone daily is a commitment. And when there are no commitments in place, you cannot expect committed daily communication.

"I could be receiving small thoughtful texts here and there like I was doing up until a week ago and then he'd visit and we would let this grow"

I believe that's what he was doing dear. Sending "texts here and there" seems to be what he was doing. He was "texting me nearly every day so as far as initiating was concerned I was happy." But then for some reason, this was no longer enough and through your confrontation of the situation, you signaled that you now require "more" from him. Instead of going with the flow and following his lead, you stepped into the lead masculine role (initiator) in order to take control of the situation and speed up the pace of the relationship and you initiated a confrontation which then signaled that what he had to give was no longer enough. And when you do that dear, you have to be prepared to walk away. Because again, people are who they are. You cannot control them, you cannot change them. So when you decide that they're no longer making you happy, you have to walk away from them because you'll never change them unless THEY want to change.

So basically what's happened is that you've signaled he's not making you happy and that you'd like "more" from him. He has signaled that he's not prepared to give more and that he does not want to speed up the pace of things at this time. You now have your answer - he doesn't want to move forward into "committed relationship" territory - and you now have a decision to make. . .either you 1) accept what he has to give at this time, or 2) you walk away. That's all you can do dear, there is no in-between here because you can't control others and make them want what you want. He's given you his answer basically through his actions, so now you have a decision to make, ya' know? :-(; January 20, 2015 at 7:41 AM
Anonymous said...: @MOA

Well, I probably didn't explain myself clearly when I talked about the 2 day conversation, since the total number of messages I sent in that conversation was about 4 messages including my replies to him. And the last message which he ignored was simply me asking him when his next visit will be, so it was nothing to do
with insisting.

The only reason I started this conversation with him was because I said I am not able to continue this and he reacted and insisted, so instead of just ignoring him I gave him the reasons of my hesitation. The conversation that followed was a conversation where I was the one being questioned more and he was the one trying to convince me that what he's offering can match my needs. What he said was that he wants this to grow and he doesnt see it as something casual, on the side. If he hadn't said those words I would have told him to leave it. So I'm not the one insisting here - I am the one who wants to get on with my life and is being pressurised to stay. In any case, I told myself that after this conversation I would see what happens. Well...its been nearly a week and he's disappeared which gives me a very clear answer. I'm relieved actually because at least he can't reconvince me about anything now...

Melissa; January 20, 2015 at 9:58 AM
piscesgirl said...: "Should I expect daily messages from him or is it too much to ask for at this point?"

@ Melissa i hear you you girl ! its really frustrating when you are talking to someone and they get you used to daily communication than it wains away and becomes so sporadic. What Mirror said makes sense though "No. When casually dating (irregular, non-committed, sporadic), you cannot expect relationship type communication (regular, committed, daily). The only time you can expect daily communication is if the man has expressed feelings for you (he loves you), and has asked you to enter into a committed relationship with you." but how can a man decide he wants to be with you in a committed relationship if the communication is lacking and you arent spending enough time together?? thats the same issue im having. But im playing it cool and not initiating any communication with him.It frustrated me to no end when last week he said he wanted to get together for a date and i didnt hear from him except on Saturday night on watsapp he said he was tired and i said oh poker must of taken a lot out of you and he didnt reply!He finally called me yesterday to say we should get together soon. Ladies here's a hint if you are tired of using technology to communicate delete your facebook and watsapp accounts and dont reply to emails or texts. Instead tell the guy that you would rather talk over the phone or in person thats what i told the guy ive been talking to yesterday after telling him i deleted my watsapp account. So he said ok ill text you then...arghhhh no! he didnt take a hint but ill be like him and not answer that text till a day or two later. lol at least he calls occassionally. But not enough:(; January 20, 2015 at 11:47 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pisces Girl,
"but how can a man decide he wants to be with you in a committed relationship if the communication is lacking and you aren't spending enough time together?"

In that case - it appears he's already made a decision. His actions (or lack thereof) are signaling that he isn't interested enough to amp up his efforts to get to know you :-(

Because a man that is genuinely interested in a woman has a natural curiosity for her. He WANTS to spend more time, he WANTS to talk more, he WANTS to see you more - to get to know you better and determine if it might be a good fit.

When a man is lacking that curiosity - then he's lacking interest. His actions are indicating that he's not that interested in getting to know the woman better or taking things to another level :-(; January 20, 2015 at 5:33 PM
piscesgirl said...: i think he's interested in getting to know me better on a sexual level that is for sure. He used to bring up sexual talk a lot in text and over the phone till i finally told him that a way to conquer a woman's body is to first conquer her mind and although i dont mind the sexual talk once in a while thats not at the forefront of my mind and all i think about and women dont think about sex as often as men. He replied with something really sweet although im not sure if he was just blowing smoke up my ear because he said that he liked me because of our chemistry and my intelligence and wittyness and my understanding of people (funny that he was able to gauge my understanding of people after only a few dates lol) and he doesnt think about sex all the time either but he already professed to me that he loves women. He has taken me out for a nice expensive dinner and treated me nice but i broke a few rules and went back to his place a few times he said he had wine and wanted to cuddle..we didnt have sex even though i ended up spending the night because i couldnt drive home after drinking but i can tell that hes a very sexual guy and has had quite a bit of experience. He said hes really busy this week with work but busy shouldnt be an excuse to not at least text good morning or good night. Im really looking forward to seeing him again though-he makes me laugh, he smells good and we are the same culture and speak and understand the same language and have other things in common. He wants to take me out for dinner again this week but hasnt set a date yet and its already wednesday so i better be hearing from him soon! Is there a way to talk to a guy who once was keeping in touch daily and tell him you would like for him to keep in touch more and to see each other more often mirror?or is this trying to push things along..can i drop some hints at least. i really like this guy..thanks; January 21, 2015 at 12:23 PM
piscesgirl said...: i think one thing i need to work on which i remember millionaire matchmaker Patti tell a woman is dont lead with your sexuality. I know i tend to do this to attract a men i use my face and body to help reel them in and tease them even though im smart and intelligent and have a lot to offer and that doesnt usually the kind of man who is really interested in getting to know me and what im all about and what im doing in life. But i think this stems from insecurity and lack of confidence. But like Patty says “Men
don't realize you're a person when you lead with sexuality."; January 21, 2015 at 12:33 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pisces Girl,
"Is there a way to talk to a guy who once was keeping in touch daily and tell him you would like for him to keep in touch more and to see each other more often"

As a woman when dating, all you have to do is chose whether or not to follow the mans lead. If his pace isn't fast enough for you - you can't jump in take the lead and attempt to control the situation to speed things along. Or I should say - you can do that but you risk a few things in doing so:

1) You risk pressuring the man by signaling that you expect regular, daily "relationship" type communication (a commitment to contact you daily) when the reality is that you're only casually (no commitments in place) dating.

2) You risk giving up your feminine energy (submissive) for that of masculine energy (leading).

3) You risk never truly knowing whether or not the man is genuinely interested in you by observing his actions over a length of time. (If YOU are the one that starts to take action, then you cannot observe HIS actions because you're not giving him time to take action. And if YOU are the one speeding things along, you'll never know if he's genuinely interested in a relationship - because men will zip into the bedroom with you and do what you want them to do temporarily so they can attain that - but once they do, they'll disappear - because they weren't that interested in the first place but that wasn't apparent to you because you didn't follow his lead and spend enough time observing his actions to determine his level of interest.)

Man leads - woman submits (if she chooses to). It's really that simple :-)

And if a man isn't leading you quickly enough or zipping into a relationship with you, then you're only real option is to determine that the man isn't capable of fulfilling your needs - and you walk away. Because controlling others, or attempting to, rarely if ever works and most times. . .the man feels pressured for too much too soon and will distance himself.

Relationships are like gardens dear - they take time to grow. You don't plant a seed (go on a few dates) and then only days or a week or two later - see a grown mature plant in full bloom (a relationship).

"i drop some hints at least"

I wouldn't suggest doing so - men aren't stupid dear and they know full well what that type of prodding means - and they tend to view it as desperate, needy and pressuring - which is not the opinion you want a man to have of you, ya' know?; January 21, 2015 at 12:38 PM
piscesgirl said...: no it isnt the impression i want to give at all -thank you so much for your quick reply mirror :)
you are absolutely right (as always) ill jst continue to be submissive. Men that are attracted to me tell me they love my femininity and that theres something different about me. I think that something different is the fact that i give them plenty of space and dont initiate communication. I just dont want him to think my silence =indifference or that i dont care to ask him how his day/week is going because i am considerate and do care. .last time we talked he said "dont forget about me" so you are right the same way we are curious about them when they fall off our radar it works both ways and they become curious about us and what we are doing. I think they do test a lot of times by disappearing to see if we are desperate needy clingy etc....and if we text or call them like you say the answer is YES! we are all of the above and we have taken on the masculine role of taking the lead. Still i hate this waiting game..waiting for him to calll/text/ask me out...and even though i continue to live my life everyday i still look at my phone way too often hoping ill hear from him..sigh..if i dont hear from him today im going to tell him im busy for the rest of the week so he learns not to take me or my time for granted; January 21, 2015 at 1:03 PM
pisces girl said...: Hi Mirror I didn't hear from this guy yesterday and at this point Im pretty upset. IF and when he calls me I want to decline his date offer but the problem is im a bad liar and if he says what about this day or that day I wont know what to say. Should I just be honest and tell him its his lack of communication or give him the im busy excuse? Im really disappointed in his lack of communication lately that started off so strong and has completely died down from the beginning stages. I get he's busy at work he did tell me its going to be a crazy week for him and he plays hockey and goes out with friends and is really involved with family but right now I feel like im making excuses for him and Im mad. I just worry that my lack of communication might signal to him that im not that interested or don't care. But still I know in my heart its best to sit back and watch and observe his actions and let him come to me. Dating is just really frustrating being a woman in today's world Mirror as im sure many of the women in this community would attest to. I know you hear our stories everyday and offer up your best advice and guidance which is so appreciated but what is up with this growing epidemic of self proclaimed "momma's boys"(current one Im dealing with included) who wont man up and step up to the plate. I know a lot of us are beautiful, successful intelligent women with so much to offer but these "men" (I use that term lightly) are not doing the work required to win our hearts over. Its all about technology and convenience for them nowadays and sex is at the forefront of their minds and their ultimate goal and some of them are so fake nice till they get it and then boom they bolt and disappear..its a completely manipulative mind f"uck on women and although I fully comprehend everything that you share on this site and agree wholeheartedly when you're actually immersed in the dating world sometimes its hard to remember to apply everything that i've learned which is why I always think-what would Mirror do/say?? lol Thank you for sharing your wisdom, experiences and knowledge Mirror -I know eventually I'll get it right!; January 22, 2015 at 1:02 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,
I love your blog … have been following since my divorce last year. Unfortunately I haven’t learned it all ye. I’ve left replying to a guy too long and if I don’t soon it will look like I’m sour grapes … I care, I’m mad. I know I have to do an either mirroring / random & care free communication method or potentially a no contact after I send my note. Just not sure how to execute. I also sent this to your contact form.
Essentially reconnected with an old friend from childhood neighbourhood. We’ve been texting since July but I didn’t really think of him as a love interest. He has a lot of money and likely lots of female opportunity .. I suspected he may be a player. 4 wks ago we went out as friends for a drink, but quickly dropped the friends thing and said potentially more is here as the night went on. He said he was hoping something special might develop btwn us given our background and that he was really attracted to me. Didn’t want to sleep together on the first night and neither did I. We fooled around a bit. He came on really strong that night calling me baby and gorgeous the next day. We had 4 dates before he left the country Jan 6. I slept with him on the 4th date. I know mistake #1.
I was cautious in my communication initially but then when he asked for more attention and showed additional interest I started acting like this girlfriend. Mistake #2.
A few days after he left he said he didn’t want me to get together with any guys online. I said just online? He said no everywhere. I said I have friended the guys I was dating. He said he wasn’t dating anyone else & I don’t want you to even be friends with those guys. Continued to call me baby and lots of Xx etc in texts.
Then he asked me to come visit him & he would pay. I did last weekend. Probably too early in relationship and Mistake #3. It was a good wknd but I felt him pulling back. Mixed messages ... called me his girlfriend on the phone to someone but then his friend to someoone else. He has a tennis trip planned to Australia for end of January but said he would be home this wknd (where I live) and fly out from here.
We texted a few times a day since our first date. On Sunday the day I flew home we texted a bit that night. Because I needed to ask my employer for time off I asked my guy if he still wanted me to come to his friend's destination wedding (he previously said he wanted me to attend). He said 'totally but still not sure if attending.' Will let me know in a few wks which I said might be difficult for me to get time off at that point. Anyway this was pursuing, then pressure from me. Mistake #4. With no further replies from him, I sent a good night text and didn't hear back until Tuesday night. 2 days. His first text said: 'I won my tennis game, made $500' His 2nd text said, 'Also couldn't get a flight out to Aust from our city. Will be flying out of XYZ city.' No kisses, no baby, no affection. I did not reply anything.

Its now Thursday and I was going to reply - mirroring the communication time and style, playing it cool, and acting with dignity.
I think he may be slow fading on me or plan b'g me ...interested in someone else and just keeping me in rotation or back burner. He still keeps in touch with his ex after their break up 6 years ago. She lives in XYZ further compounding my suspicion. But they are supposedly really good friends with no sex ... & XYZ is one of the main airports to Australia. So I'm trying not to be crazy. Below is what I was going to reply:
'Hey ... busy anyway. Have a fun trip & good luck!'
and then if I don't hear back or a very weak reply then 'no contact'. If its meant to be he will come back to me.
Do you think this is a good approach? Too nice? Would you do anything differently?
Thanks in advance for helping to make less mistakes!; January 22, 2015 at 5:27 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pisces Girl
"Should I just be honest and tell him its his lack of communication or give him the im busy excuse?"

If you're upset with this man - don't respond to him at all. You won't have to make excuses and your silence will speak for you.

"what is up with this growing epidemic of self proclaimed "momma's boys" (current one Im dealing with included) who wont man up and step up to the plate."

They're just not the RIGHT man for you. But that doesn't mean there aren't any good men left out there.

"some of them are so fake nice till they get it and then boom they bolt and disappear"

That's why they DON'T get "it" from you until they stick around and PROVE themselves genuinely interested FIRST (at least a month, or 8 dates or so - whichever happens first.); January 24, 2015 at 10:08 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 22, 5:27 PM,
"Do you think this is a good approach?"

No - if you feel that a man is pulling back and distancing himself, the answer is not to continue responding to him. The answer is to go silent on him. You read this article I assume, correct? And you understand the psychology behind the concept shared in it?

"Uncertainty" heightens romantic interest. It's a known fact and studies have proven it. Heck, it's working on YOU isn't it?

When you respond, all you do is reassure him that you're still there, ready, willing and waiting. If you think he's distancing himself or losing interest - then that means if you want to create interest and heighten romantic attraction - you need to let "uncertainty" creep in with him. You need to make him "uncertain" about whether or not YOU are STILL attracted to HIM.

And then you have to be patient, sometimes for weeks going silent, to give that time to work, and to see if it does. If it doesn't, then you have your answer - he's not a man that's genuinely interested in a committed relationship. Because if he was, and he truly cared, HE would contact YOU to see what's wrong.

If he does respond and he does contact you to see what's wrong, then you have your answer - you know that he's a man that genuinely cares as he claimed he did.

That's how you "filter" men - filter the ones that are genuinely interested from those that are not. Because when a man's WORDS and ACTIONS do not line up - it's a big red flag that he's BS'ing you - "called me his girlfriend on the phone to someone but then his friend to someone else."

If you continue to respond to him, all you will do is reassure him that you're still there. There will be no uncertainty, nothing for HIM to think about, and no reason to "miss" you. If you continue to respond, this could drag on as something casual for months. The only way you're going to know if this man is a man of his words and if he genuinely cares or not - is for you to leave some space and uncertainty between you - and see if HE reacts to THAT ;-); January 24, 2015 at 10:20 AM
piscesgirl said...: You're absolutely right mirror -silence is golden. He ended up texting me on Thursday asking me if i forgot about him. Prior to that i didnt hear from him since Monday. I love how they try to turn the tables on us. Like how come your not calling/texting/chasing after me lol And then he said something like i must have a lot of men vying for my attention to which i didnt confirm or deny (even though there really isnt anyone else) lol And then he called me later in the day asking me if i wanted to go over to his place for some wine and good music and cuddling.......i told him i was tired and lazy and not in the mood and what happened to that dinner date he had talked about the week before..he said he has to plan it out and hes been sooo busy but he would like to see me this week.i said ok plan it out and let me know ahead of time. He didnt seem overly happy that i wasnt going along with his lame offer for me to go out of my way (he lives on the other side of town a good 30-40 minute drive) to go see him. Ill admit i did go along with it a couple weeks ago because i really didnt feel like going out anywhere and i wanted that one on one time to get to know him better plus i think you learn a lot about someone from seeing the environment they live in but again I remembered what you said-once they get used to you doing doing doing they are going to be lazy not lift a finger for you and expect that all the time..arghh so today's Saturday and i didnt hear from him yesterday at all because he had his all important poker tournament(rolling my eyes) if he texts me today ill stay silent and not reply just like he takes hours or days sometimes but if he calls i may answer but i doubt ill be seeing him this weekend. i lose interest quickly when a man doesnt keep in touch regularly. I know we arent dating but its hard to stay interested in someone who doesnt seem overly interested in getting to know you; January 24, 2015 at 2:45 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,
This is anonymous Jan 22. I will refer to myself as Chloe below. Thank you for your insight .. I hope you can share some more.

Yes I have read this article numerous times. Re the approach I proposed … although I get the “no contact” & creating uncertainty, sometimes its hard to be objective when looking at oneself or when you're new to this, but I was also confused by some direction you had given another poster. Essentially it was along the lines of giving a guy the silent treatment can show them that you are mad & you do care … however other poster’s situation was likely different. In my own situation he had dropped 2 bombs with one text (1: not seeing me before his big trip, 2: being in LA with his ex), I wasn’t sure if I should reply in a very ‘whatever, I don’t care, I’m cool, I’m busy’ way. I can now see that NO reply would have been best course of action.

What actually happened – I hadn’t read your advice & replied Thurs night (2 days after his text) and regretted it immediately. I didn’t bother with I’m busy and have a great trip etc … only commented on his tennis win. I wrote:
“Big win … congrats.”

The next morning (Friday) additional regret when I received his reply:
“Thanks Chloe. Nice to hear from you.”

I don’t think he has ever said my name … he’s only ever called me Baby & Gorgeous. I almost threw up as I translate that as ‘I’m so not into you. I pity you. I will be polite, but avoid further communication’
As per your advice I have not replied anything further. Its now Tuesday. I received a text from him this afternoon. It read:
“You totally went dark on me. Hope you are doing well”

Don’t worry I didn’t reply. While it’s a very non committal text (he doesn’t ask are you ok or anything), it sort of lifted my spirits. I’m rather down. I was so high & happy before and it all changed so quickly. I think his text is probably because he is starting to wonder if maybe I am NOT interested in him and just wants to test the waters. A bit of uncertainty but he's not too concerned yet or sure if he misses me.

So next steps … stay on no contact for the next 3 weeks (ie., 30 days from my last text on Thurs)?; January 27, 2015 at 10:26 PM
piscesgirl said...: hey ladies! so i got a date tomorrow and im looking forward to seeing him again, he contacted me earlier in the week and asked me to get together with him on Thursday. i declined last week because it was last minute and there wasnt really a date planned because i dont consider chilling at someones house a proper way to court a woman or make her feel special. And he called me on Saturday after i told him that i like a take charge kind of guy who tells me where and when and doesnt make last minute plans or plan to meet me later at night after a night of partying. I guess he took a hint lol and called and told me he is scattered brained sometimes and he does seem to be all over the place and sort of hyperactive cant sit still type and i get with those types they dont really make plans and just live spontaneously and does things on a whim. I also get it hes a busy guy but im busy too and my time is valuable, so i think me declining his offer to go over last minute last week made him realize that if he wants to see me he has to step up his game so i agreed to his date offer for this week only problem is he works till 9 so we wont be getting together till later ..now im beginning to wonder why he usually only plans dates with me during the week and not on weekends...hmm i feel like this is something i should ask him about because i usually have more time on weekends and i know he goes out..i wonder if the day of the week means anything because i dont wanna just be the weekday girl that he squeezes in at his convenience and then he has his weekends free to do whatever he wants..i know im not his girlfriend but i would like a weekend date where we have more than a couple hours to spend together.; January 28, 2015 at 11:55 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Chloe,
"Essentially it was along the lines of giving a guy the silent treatment can show them that you are mad & you do care"

It's hard for me to comment as to why I stated that in that person's particular case because everyone's situation is slightly different and the things that led up to it are different - however, I have a feeling I may have been referring to not reacting emotionally.

"So next steps … stay on no contact for the next 3 weeks (ie., 30 days from my last text on Thurs)?"

This guy is signaling the he expects YOU to chase HIM. And I can tell you right now, men with that attitude about dating will only ever disappoint you in the long run. Why? Because if you chase them, it will diminish their attraction for you (men, whether they admit it or not, associate that with desperation). So eventually, it will be YOU running around pursuing the guy and keeping the entire relationship afloat alone. You will begin to question whether or not this man is genuinely interested - or if he's simply being polite - as you're ALREADY experiencing with him when you did respond "I translate that as ‘I’m so not into you. I pity you. I will be polite, but avoid further communication."

See what I mean? Eventually, these guys disappoint as men. Because they never "man-up" and take the lead as you'd expect a real man to do, particularly one that's genuinely interested. And they never contact you, they never do any of the work to keep the relationship afloat, and you are the only one doing anything to keep it going. This will exhaust you and lead you to question yourself and experience doubt and a diminished sense of "self" - it will affect your self-esteem.

When men request and believe that a woman should pursue them, most of them don't even realize that them taking the feminine submissive role, makes THEM unattractive to YOU eventually. And they also fail to realize that once you're in pursuit of them, as THEY REQUESTED you to do, their attraction for you fades. They don't even realize how self-defeating their own behavior is.

They ask you to chase, you chase, they run away, they lose their attraction for you, they don't know why - so they slap you with the "crazy lady who won't stop contacting me" label and wipe their hands clean of the situation. . .blaming the entire event on you - when the reality is that it's their OWN BEHAVIOR that brought the entire sequence of events on.

When men signal to you that they think you should be contacting them, pursuing them and doing all the work to keep the situation afloat - DON'T fall for it. It's a trap. And it's one that they're not really even aware will set the situation up for failure and eventually diminish their attraction for you, instead leaving them thinking you're a crazy stalker. They won't take responsibility for their own actions in the situation and instead, like I said, you'll get slapped with the "crazy lady who won't take a hint and stop contacting me" label.

So don't fall for that. The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested is to see if HE pursues HER. And that means asking her for dates, calling her regularly, contacting her regularly, asking to see her, making time for her, treating her special and taking her out on real dates to get to know her better, etc.

Cont. . .; January 28, 2015 at 1:51 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: If the man isn't doing that, and all he's doing is "e-maintaining" you via technology and text communications that don't include date requests - then he's not looking for a date. Instead, he's looking for a pen pal to boost his ego - which is why he's also signaling that you need to chase him down. . .to boost his ego. A lot of that type of behavior is ego based and honestly, has nothing to do with genuinely wanting to date.

Insecure men request women to chase them (to make them feel better about themselves and receive an ego boost.) Confident, genuinely interested men go after that which they desire. They treat women like women while they remain men and in the lead masculine role. They do not play "chase me" games. They are forthright about what they want from you, they ask you on dates, and then they actually date you. They don't play text games or "e-maintain" women for an ego boost.

If this guy isn't asking for dates - I probably wouldn't respond to him at all.

Because he's signaling that this is a little ego boost game for him and that he's not actually EVER going to do anything about the situation - like actually date you. Instead, he's only "e-maintaining" you through technology to feel better about himself, as if he's a highly desired man, and doing nothing about actually seeing you.; January 28, 2015 at 1:51 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks Mirror. Chloe again. Seriously I love your straight talk and discipline. If I understand correctly, his last text: "You totally went dark on me. Hope you are doing well”

... was a signal that he wants me to chase him?

I thought alot about what you said. With respect to this last text, if he was interested and missed me, he wouldn't phrase it that way and wouldn't e-maintain. He would call to see what was up ... at a minimum his text would be like 'I miss you. I am concerned I haven't heard from you ... we need to talk when I return.' His tone would be more affectionate. Closer to how it was 2 wks ago.

I also think you are saying its not really even worth doing the 'true no contact approach' you describe in article above b/c after 30 days of no contact, theoretically I would 'check in' which would be responding ... which would just lead to more of his stringing along behaviour etc.

Essentially the last month was a waste of time & energy b/c it lead no where except to heartbreak. Yes I re-learned some tough lessons about players & dating. I'll will do my best to remember and avoid same mistakes in future. I need to walk away on this guy b/c I don't want to waste any more time. I also want to be happy and I feel far far away from right now.; January 28, 2015 at 11:24 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror

Have been dating guy ld for a year or so. He has come here regularly and we talk on phone 6 times a week. I thought he was the one and am madly in love. He wants a future and looking forward to me being his wife one day.

He said he was coming over to see me Friday of this week. So I go on to the CL ads, in casual encounters, just to have some entertainment only. Found at ad that mysteriously looked like it might be him. Wasn't 100% sure. Created a fake email address and name, then answered the ad.

The ad said NSA/FWB. Lonely married man looking for lonely married women to meet up on Friday for drinks and possibly more. If a connection, we could become good friends. To my shock it was HIM! So I played along a bit saying I was married and feeling neglected and looking for this arrangement. He starts talking about his wife, how their marriage has no sensuality or spark, bit about his interests, etc. that he would be nervous, this is new for him. He would like to meet me for coffee. However, he was vague and non-committal about time he would arrive and if he would be staying in this city - due to not having his confirmation.

We chat for a couple of days. Then I ask him a question that subtly hints the person he is talking to is me and I have caught him in the act. I ask if he is going to see his family in Vancouver. Now a stranger is not going to know that. A few hours later he comes back and says he can't do it. He put up ad to see if someone was seeing others. I am sure you would be a lot of fun but I wouldn't. He then said good luck and goodbye.

I think he made up the story to save his ass, thinking he was talking to me. How do I know this is true or a fabricated lie? Can you give me any hints? He actually must be married then. Why would he advertise for a married women? If he was looking to see if I would answer his ad, I certainly would not be replying to someone looking for a married woman.

Neither of us have spoken of the ad at all since he bowed out. I did ask him casually later if he was married and he said "yes" but he is going through a divorce which has not finalized yet.

Can I get your opinion? Help before I go bonkers!; January 29, 2015 at 9:18 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 29, 9:18 PM,
"How do I know this is true or a fabricated lie?"

You don't - and therefore, cannot trust him and this is over. Besides that - he's married. He's a liar and he's not to be trusted.

"Why would he advertise for a married women?"

Because he's looking to cheat and he cannot commit to a relationship - so he's looking for someone in the same exact situation. . .so that no commitments are in place and it's simply an "arrangement" for sex, without expectations of a relationship.

"Can I get your opinion?"

He's a liar, he's married, and he's not to be trusted.

And he's most likely not going through a divorce either because if he was, he wouldn't be saying things like "If a connection, we could become good friends." If he was divorcing, he'd be able to enter into a relationship - not just friendship.

He's out there seeking casual sex from anonymous strangers online. Not only is he a liar, but he could also possibly put your health at risk.

Cease ALL communication with him, kick him to the curb and dump him immediately - and move on. RUN, don't walk, away from him - and NEVER look back. This man is nothing but trouble.; January 31, 2015 at 9:57 AM
Anonymous said...: @ Anonymous at January 29 2015 at 9:18

Wow, what a motherf****, these men are despicable! And honey, how can you still be in doubt on what to do after seen what this dirty pig is doing online, it's pretty obvious what you have to do, RUN!; January 31, 2015 at 1:30 PM
Chleo said...: Hi MOA

Sorry to come back again with this bizarre issue. My last post was on January 3, 2015 at 12:32 PM and just saying that I had moved on and that apparently, I didn't wanted a rekindle of the relationship or even a friendship. I am in NC with him since beginning of this month, which is making almost a month now. I was planning on leaving it indefinitely because I didn't liked the way he treated me after the breakup and much less the fact that he decided to end things in a period where I was still living the emotional repercussions of a very serious health problem, that could have meant my death. He was also in another relationship with other woman. The question is that since middle of this month ( January 16), I received several messages from him on my Skype and from an unknown telephone number ( but I am sure its him). First they started with: " How are you feeling?" " If you need anything, please tell me?" , then it was telling things about his parents dog ( which I really love), but as I didn't answered, he started becoming very aggressive, calling me bitter and that I should understand he wants to know how my health is. The thing is that the past day 28, he used his mother's phone number to call me, and I picked it up. I was furious with myself, but he just told me he didn't knew if I was avoiding him or if I had another health problem that could put me in hospital because he apparently cares a lot about me ( lol I don't think so, but it's what he said). I told him I was in fine health but I was super occupied with my job and my university, which isn't exactly a lie, and that I had to hang up. Yesterday he sends me another message on Skype, saying his family, dog and so on really missed me and that I was childish not to go there, because of him, that his girlfriend is going to visit him soon........... Why is the man saying this? Does his questions about mt health mean he is feeling guilty ? I find it very poor taste that he talks about his so called girlfriend, but once he asked me ( when we were still living together) why I couldn't stop feeling sad and just be happy for the man I loved since he had found love with someone else. Sorry it was so long, but its just to say that the reason I kept myself away from his family was mostly because of him, but I have the feeling he is trying to use guilt to make me stay in his life and don't disappear ( although he knows I am not a FWB woman) and I also wanted to ask you f you think the main reason for this man to keep sending me those messages, have to do primarily with guilt ( due to my fragile health). Thanks a lot Mirror :); January 31, 2015 at 10:11 PM
Anonymous said...: I would like to know if NC will work in my case - I hurt and pushed this guy away as I was not getting what I wanted from him. Met online, got chatting, he was very sweet, polite and kind and I really liked him .Then he started flirting with me which made me uncomfortable. I invited him on FB. He messaged me. We didn't become friends (he had disabled that option as well as hidden his profile to strangers) but started chatting. Again he said something which offended me and I yelled (in writing) called him a pervert and a coward (for hiding behind an online persona) He apologised. I gave him another chance as I really liked him. But this time he was polite and his responses were measured. I was doing most of the work in getting to know him and initiating all of our conversations. He would always respond but politely and promptly. But I felt that he had one foot out the door. Sometimes he would not message for a week. Then i would be the one to message him. This went on for about 2 weeks. When I pointed this out he said that because my behavior is "erratic" he is treading carefully (referring to the first time I had yelled at him for flirting whereas before that I was ignoring his flirtatious advances on the dating site) Finally he started initiating conversations when I was down with a terrible flu, asking me how I was doing and if i've eaten mostly. Things were going well. We chatted every night; sometimes even till 3 am and it was wonderful! He was sweet and funny and would honestly answer all my questions. The nights that he would not be online he would even let me know in advance. During this entire time he didn't ask me a single question about my life, work, interests, nor proposed to talk over Skype or exchange numbers etc. Since it was already 2 weeks of us talking every single day out of which he initiated conversations in the last one week, I began to lose my cool. When he tried to flirt again I said that I won't get pulled into it until and unless we meet in person first (He is from my city but lives in another country) He said that he understood but I felt he was trying to make me feel bad for not moving forward with him - he accused me of taking one step forward (towards him) and then a step back. I called him a fence-sitter. He responded that the fence is for me as I am always taking a step back. We stopped talking for a few days. I also said he was arrogant, condescending and delusional. Then I messaged him to explain why I was stepping back or "flip back" as he called it. But it was too late. He said that it was a thin line and it could be crossed either ways (my lashing out at him and his flirting and getting sexual with me) and that he totally understand if I can't take this forward with him. And that I made personal remarks which he never did...he's always calm and composed and this makes me looks bad. I have little hope. But would still like to know if NC will work in this case? Although I was just protecting myself I ended up hurting us both. Been going through an emotional turmoil. I miss him! Any advice will be much appreciated. Thanks!
PS - he hasn't deleted his online dating profile and I know that he chats with other girls; February 1, 2015 at 1:41 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Chleo,
"the reason I kept myself away from his family was mostly because of him, but I have the feeling he is trying to use guilt to make me stay in his life"

You have no obligation to him or his family. When people break up, so do the friendships and associations they had together. While you can remain civil to them and when you bump into them and converse in a friendly manner with them - it is not healthy to go and visit them regularly because it will keep you locked into that situation and it will keep YOU from meeting someone else - because a new man isn't going to appreciate you visiting an exes family home. So you need to understand that when people break up, so do these types of associations. Like I said, if you bump into them in public, then sure, you can stop, talk, ask how they are and converse. But to go to their home and sit at their table and do this isn't healthy and for him to expect that to happen is ridiculous. You guys were only dating, you weren't married, and even when married couples get divorced. . .generally, they don't continue visit to their ex-inlaws home.

"I also wanted to ask you f you think the main reason for this man to keep sending me those messages, have to do primarily with guilt"

Not sure, it may or may not and only time will tell. But either way, he needs to understand that you two have broken up and are no longer in a relationship which means he can no longer control you, tell you what to do, or tell you what he expects you to do. He doesn't even have a right to do that when you're dating and he surely has no right to do that or expect this of you when you're not dating.

I'm thinking this is less about guilt - and more about control.

Cease communicating with him, and cease taking calls from his family's home number. Cease all communication with him or you're not going to be able to move on and meet someone else, and he's going to continue to harass you and attempt to control you and tell you what to do.

It's none of his business what's going on in your life right now. And he has no business trying to tell you how you should be acting or what you should be doing. The only one who's childish here is him - for thinking he has a right to do this.; February 2, 2015 at 8:46 AM
kat said...: hi MOA

i am loving this thread, reading all through it, it's amazing you're still replying!

i started dating a guy at beginning of december, it was very intense on both sides (more his at first) quickly. after a few weeks he got distant and then said he needed space and didn't think he could commit right now, but wanted to talk. i said i'd be happy to talk, but if he just wanted to end it, i'd rather know asap (we were texting) so i could put it behind me. we arranged to meet and he said he had to rescheudule because he was running late at work (BS!). he text the next night arranging to meet up again, saying it wasn't fair to leave me in "limbo". i was free that night and said, okay, let's do it tonight. he said he was too tired. i reiterated that he could let me know by text if he wanted to end it, otherwise to take his space.

that was 9 days ago, not a peep since. i haven't contacted him, but my main issue is twitter. we follow each other. i reduced my posting and now i've stopped, which seems like the right thing to do, but it's really annoying to me. should i stick it out or delete and block him, which means he won't be able to see what i say? my worry with that is it seems like i care a bit too much and i don't want to make any sudden movements. what do you think?; February 2, 2015 at 12:30 PM
Chleo said...: You might be right MOA, about the fact that it's mostly a situation of control. During our relationship, he always tried to interfere in everything ( the way I dressed, my makeup, the books I read, the movies I watched, etc), and he had a tantrum everytime I didn't did what he wanted. ( He is a Taurus lol). I have the bizarre feeling that Taurus men must think they are hunks or something, since he always has loads of fans around. As I said, this matter with this man is finished for me, but its disturbing that before I left he told me that he was in love with his other girl, that she was very cute, openly sexual and always in a good mood. But he told me something strange: that she was way stupid and that the connection he felt with her wasn't as strong as the connection he had with me and that he once loved me very truly and deeply. I am not iluding myself but its bizarre to me, since he was clearly disrespecting a woman he claims he is in love with, in front of me. Maybe, being a Leo, I am not compatible with Taurus men at all ( my father was a Taurus and we had a bad relationship, not to mention he was alwas unfaithful to my mother). I like Taurus women, but I think Taurus men are something to avoid. Either way, thank you so much MOA :); February 2, 2015 at 6:34 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Kat,
I'd probably just proceed living my life as if he isn't even there, and was never a part of it. And I'd suggest that you begin dating others since this man's behavior is clearly signaling that he has no desire to enter into a committed relationship.

Also, be forewarned - most likely he will return. And if he does, he should not easily get his foot back in the door. I'd seriously think twice about even entertaining a second go-round with him at all, because chances are high that it'd be another two month fling for him and then he'd bolt again before it gets serious.; February 3, 2015 at 7:58 AM
kat said...: thank you! even since posting that comment yesterday i've been feeling more like myself. i've already been on two dates, and have two lined up for this week. i feel like when i was in the situation i was so swept away by it (as two examples, he told his mother about me after a week and said i was a "keeper", but there are loads more) that i lost sight of myself. and i tend to do that, and then i feel depressed after the fact because i don't know where i am. eventually it clicks back into place. would be great to see a post on that situation! i guess part of it is in not jumping at every beck and call, but there seems to be more to it than that, it's a mindset rather than actions.

if he returns i will let you know how that pans out! i'm confident i'll hold my ground.; February 3, 2015 at 10:09 AM
pisces girl said...: Hi there ladies and Mirror. I wasn't going to share this for fear of judgement but I decided if Im going to post on here regularly I need to be real and transparent even if I make mistakes that im not proud of..
my previous post "hey ladies! so i got a date tomorrow and im looking forward to seeing him again, he contacted me earlier in the week and asked me to get together with him on Thursday"
So an update-that date was supposed to be last Thursday but never did happen because after I had gotten all pretty and prepped and he text me to say he was beat and had a long stressful day and asked if we could reschedule for the next day..i was pretty mad and disappointed because I was looking forward to see him even though he wasn't getting off work till later and I was pretty tired and the date was basically just going to his place for wine good music and "cuddling" oh and me driving 40 minutes to the other side of town to get there(I cant even invite him over to my place because I don't have it all set up yet with furniture)so I go to him and yes I know that's a mistake as is accepting measly date offers that don't involve actually going out. Anyways, he cancels that date on me and the next day-Friday he tells me he wants to see me but he understands if I cant make it since on Thursday after he cancelled on me I told him I didn't think it was a good idea since I worked early the next day Saturday and I didn't wanna be all tired the next day. But I think he knew that was an excuse because I did hang out with him on a Friday night before and ended up staying the night since I was drinking and couldn't drive. Anyways, I agreed to go on Friday..another mistake but again he enticed me by making it sound like it would be such a romantic evening with wine good music cuddles massages a movie and he would get me my favorite dessert...I think that would entice almost any lady..except you Mirror because your smart and know better... a dinner and drinks out somewhere would of been nice and romantic too...oh he also told me since it would be closer to get to my work from his place I should just stay the night again (I know...I know) but I don't drink and drive either so that was another reason...; February 6, 2015 at 1:49 AM
pisces girl said...: so I get all dolled up and put on my sexiest outfit for him and hop in my car and go. It was quite the journey getting there since I got lost it took me about an hour to get there and I ran out of gas along the way and couldn't find a gas station and road conditions were also terrible and it was late and I was tired...still with all of that I thought it would be worth it. I show up and he wasn't dressed up for me at all in fact he wasn't even wearing pants!lol I mean he only had on his boxers and a shirt but hes pretty fit so I didn't really mind hehe anyways he was nice and affectionate as usual, smelled great and put me at ease and made me feel comfortable. I was a little anxious though after my journey to get there so immediately asked him to pour me some wine so I could start drinking to help me feel less anxious he noticed my anxiousness too..i then look and see about 5 wine glasses in and around his sink some that were half empty so i suspect he cancelled on me not because he was beat like he said but because he had friends over. Next thing I know he has a friend facetiming him-this also happened the last time I was there and I refused to show my face on facetime then and this time again. i felt like he was just tryng to show me off and It just made me mad that he'll be on his phone a bit too much when im there i find that rude and insulting since he was supposed to be spending quality time with me. He told me he didn't like that i wouldnt say hi to his friends on facetime i told him im a private person. i just didn't feel like being exposed to his best friends on facetime especially since im not his girlfriend..just a girl hes been seeing/talking to occasionally and theres a time and place for everything..anyways fast forward we were both tired and went to his bed to sleep. Well he started to get pretty sexual trying to please me(not sex but doing other stuff)...i liked it -not gonna lie and i didn't tell him to stop but then he expected me to please him in ways i didn't feel comfortable and when i didn't he got angry! and started saying he was a man and really sexual and i must of thought he was dirty and i was just a tease and then he stopped touching me altogether and wouldn't even cuddle and turned over and fell asleep...in the two months we had been talking i hadn't ever seen him get upset or be rude or mean to me till that night..so in the morning i left really early to go to work and i ended up forgetting my clothes there..; February 6, 2015 at 1:49 AM
pisces girl said...: i text him on whatsapp when i got to work kind of a long message telling him i was basically sorry if he felt sexually frustrated and i didn't think he was dirty and he replied by saying it was ok he likes to please me and said some other stuff then i sent him a few more messages one was a question asking him if he was late to work -that was last Saturday morning and still no reply....yeah...disappointing indeed. i was starting to fall for this guy and even though i didn't have the highest expectations i was attracted to him and liked being around him and thought he was a nice quirky funny guy....i haven't messaged him at all either. I thought about saying something like "hey mr too cool to text back i wanna come grab my clothes before the weekend" but i didn't want him to think it was an excuse to talk to him and i also wanted to see if he would reach out...at this point its done for me hes disappointed me and i don't wanna see him or talk to him anymore. At this point i care more about getting my nice expensive outfit back but my pride wont let me break no contact and i know being unpredictable is the way to go here because he probably is expecting me to reach out and ask about my clothes...i weighed it out and decided its not worth it although i really loved that outfit but its not worth speaking to him again. im over it. im done..Yeah hes a jerk for ignoring me and going silent on me like that but i guess i walked right into that.i sensed he was fake and didn't genuinely care about getting to know me. I think some guys also pull stunts like this before holidays ie..valentines day. Its a punk move really.But i guess i cant dwell too long on this one because had i trusted my intuition in the first place i would've been more careful in my proceedings with him...i haven't deleted him off instagram or watsapp i didn't want him to think him not talking to anymore has affected me-although it has..i did post this on my instagram"lack of consistency brings on lack of interest" hope he seen that one..anyways that's all for now...
Sad Pisces Girl:(; February 6, 2015 at 1:49 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pisces Girl,
Well dear, things there happened as one could've predicted. From day one this was nothing but a shallow sexual hookup, and that's how they go. You can ALWAYS expect them to go like this.

Traditional dating is VERY different from hooking up and hooking up is NOT dating. Dating is getting to know one another in consideration of a relationship and building a strong foundation for it to stand on. Hooking up is skipping over the "get to know you" dating part and only experiencing each other sexually for a brief period of time until moving on. A hookup has no foundation to stand on and therefore does not last.

They are very two different things that lead to very two different outcomes. You will not experience a different outcome with men until you take a different approach. And that approach would be to begin traditionally dating while leaving the hookups in your past. Hooking up is acceptable if you're only seeking sex and can deal emotionally with knowing it will never anywhere. But if you're seeking a committed relationship, a hookup will never lead you to one.

So moving forward if it's a committed relationship you seek, don't accept lame sofa dates (don't settle) and don't go to the man (don't give your power away to him). He should come to your town (the power is with you) and treat you like a lady (show respect for you). Inviting you over to his sofa signals he's not going to do that (he holds the power) and instead, he's going to treat you like a disposable sexual play thing (disrespectful). And when you settle for that and accept it, you're basically agreeing to the outcome that will come as a result and you should prepare yourself for it. . .because it will come to that, just as it did here.

If you don't want a repeat and you're tired of these scenarios playing out for you in the same manner over and over and over again - the change starts with YOU. If your behavior remains the same, then the outcome will remain the same. However, if you change your behavior, raise the standards for a man, and set the bar higher. . .you will begin to experience outcomes that have a much higher chance of survival for the long run.

But if you don't mind the hookups, then you're always free to do as you please. It's just very confusing for many of us following your stories because you participate in this site, you have all the knowledge here at your disposal, and you seem to long for a committed relationship - yet your actions do not align with your words. If you truly do want a committed relationship, once your actions begin to align with those desires. . .you will be guided towards that which you desire and you will experience a different outcome.

"Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your habits, your habits become your values - and your values become your destiny."

Line all of those up and you will be guided towards your destiny :-); February 6, 2015 at 8:27 AM
pisces girl said...: Hi Mirror thanks for your reply. You are absolutely right. Intellectually i do know better but the truth is i operate from a place of fear with men and allow my emotions to override my logic. Im insecure within myself and i fear that when i dont go with the flow or i start asking for more they will think im high maintenance and bolt. I guess these arent the kind of guys i should want to stick around in the first place. I know my logic here is flawed but i guess my hope is that if im easy going and a go with the flow kind of girl and give them a little bit of what they want i can bid enough time for them to stick around to get to know me better and then they will start to fall for me but from experience it hasnt happened that way -the outcome is the disappearing man-no goodbyes, no explanations and me feeling used and discarded. This last one i thought he was different because he was consistent with communication -regular calls and texts and he took me for a nice expensive dinner once..but after that it just went downhill and there wasnt much more effort on his part.i never did initiate any communication though and I did express to him last time i seen him that it would be nice to spend more time especially on a weekend and he agreed..bunch of B.S....i guess i seen this coming though. From now on im gonna assume every man is an asshole when i meet him not the nice guy he pretends to be.; February 6, 2015 at 12:45 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello, Aphrodite. I am grateful for your advice and it does really make sense. I made the mistake of going out with a guy from work. He is younger than me. We had a very intense relationship, then he ended it. We remained friends, but that turned out to be daily calls from him, dinners, lunches, til finally we were back together again. Then, he met someone else and we stopped again. I initiated NC for over a month. He called constantly, texted, begged me to talk to him, but I wouldn't. He stopped seeing the other girl, we started to see each other again, but platonically. Phone calls all the time, etc. always him calling me. Now, in February, he stops calling so much, but every weekend like clockwork, I hear from him and he wants to do something. yesterday he asked me to go to dinner, movie, and stay at his place (platonically). I asked him, I thought you were seeing someone. Why are you always alone on weekends? He said, 'kind of.' 'she has kids.' I said, I'm not interested in seeing someone on the side like that. I'm not interested in hanging out with someone who is seeing someone. It's not fair to me.' I said, good luck and good bye. I know he will contact me, and I have to be strong for me. Each time this happens, I feel worse. And I know I will have to see him at work. He makes a point of always finding a reason to talk to me, even though he really is not in the same area as me. I really feel bad right now. I sure hope the pain goes away. I know it's my own fault and that I set myself up by going back with him. Any advice on how to stop the pain? thanks and sorry for the rambling.; February 8, 2015 at 11:22 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,
Met a guy on a dating website. We got to know each other for a few weeks b4 we went on a date. We went and had a great time and I could tell we both had fun, but at the very end of the night, when he dropped me off, I felt like he wasn’t feeling it, which was such a disappointment. Anyway, the next day, in the afternoon, I just text him to say thanks again and hope we can do it again sometime. He was nice enough to call and say he had a great time but that it ‘Just wasn’t what he was looking for’. Well, I was disappointed, of course, but I have found that with dating sites, the guys are ‘one and done’…meaning if a girl doesn’t make their heart leap from their chest or make them see red with crazy attraction, then you don’t get a second date. Where with women, if they have a great personality and we have fun, we will go on a few more dates to see if a spark builds.
Long story short, I really like this guy. And I want a second date, or at least to be friends and see him again, so I played the friend card and emailed him about a week after this last conversation and said that I really had a great time and it would still be cool to be friends and hang out if either of us was in each other’s town. He emailed me back the next day and said he really had an awesome time, too, and would really like to be friends and would email me again in a couple of days. So, that was on Friday. I decided that I got the response I was hoping for and I’m not gonna stress out if I don’t hear from him again, at least the door is open for friendship and who knows what later. Truth is I have realized I need to do some work on myself in the getting physically fit department so that I can put my best foot forward down the road when dating, so I am happy that this guy and I are going to just be friends at this point.
Anyway, I didn’t get an email back from him, but then last night he called me around 6pm. I was so shocked. Said he was just calling to say hi and see what I was up to and we talked and laughed for about 30min. Was such a nice surprise. So, I guess my question is, where do I go from here? I’m not going to assume he likes me and just magically realized this from his one phone call to me, but what is the best way to proceed to build a friendship and possibly something more in the future? I’d appreciate any thoughts you have for me on this, MOA. Thank you.; February 10, 2015 at 1:18 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 10, 1:18 PM,
"my question is, where do I go from here?"

Well, nowhere dear. Meaning, as a woman when dating, all you have to do is respond - not initiate. If you initiate, you'll never know if the man is simply being polite or if he's genuinely interested. The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested is to see if HE pursues HER. And you shoulnd't have to jump through hoops to get a mans attention. If you do - then it's a sure sign that he's NOT the RIGHT man for you.

"what is the best way to proceed to build a friendship and possibly something more in the future?"

I don't think you should proceed with this - because you've just revealed something very telling in your comment above, and it's the entire reason I do not advocate being "friends" like this. The truth is (and it's in your statement above) that you don't really want a friendship with this man at all. What you really want is something romantic.

So no matter how you slice this - you're never going to be happy here and this is a lose-lose situation you're setting yourself up for.

Being friends won't be good enough and will always leave you disappointed - and being ONLY friends will cause you to experience self-doubt and feel inadequate. So why willing enter into a situation where, no matter how you slice it, there's nothing good that's going to come out of it for you? Either way you slice it - on the one hand it may leave you disappointed constantly, and on the other hand, it may make you feel inadequate. Why bring that upon yourself, ya' know?

I don't believe in friendships of this nature after dating because they're not true friendships - one party ALWAYS secretly wants more (a romantic relationship).

And as much as we women enjoy and regularly participate in deceiving ourselves LOL, the reality is this -- when a man explains early on that he doesn't want a relationship. . .that very rarely, if ever, changes. You can be friends for years, you can be "f-buddies" for years, you can date on and off for years, and you can plead, talk and beg till you're blue in the face. . .and none of it ever changes the outcome. In the end, they don't want a relationship and never did, and all your time is wasted.

When a man tells you he doesn't want a relationship - believe him. Because nothing you ever do or say changes that :-(

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I would rethink this whole friendship thing. . .unless it's friendship that you truly want, and have no romantic intentions. Otherwise, if the romantic intentions are there - you're going to set yourself up to be hurt here. . .when 6 months from now, he's repeating to you that this "just wasn’t what he was looking for."

And yea - he WILL sleep with you a couple of times in the meantime, if he's able to. . .and he'll still end up saying to you one day that this "just wasn’t what he was looking for."

Trust me on this dear. . .there are literally thousands of stories here on this site sharing the same exact end result :-( Spare yourself the pain and wasted time and strongly consider just moving on without him. Because if you hang on, he'll sense it. And if he sense you hanging on, he'll assume you're desperate. And if he assumes you're desperate, he'll assume he can easily sleep with you. And if he assumes he can easily sleep with you until what he was looking for comes along, then that's exactly what he'll do.

And in the end, you'll only have yourself to blame because you willingly walked right into it and permitted it to happen. So again, spare yourself the pain dear - and don't put yourself through this, he's not worth it and there are many other men out there that'd treat you much better in the long run.; February 10, 2015 at 6:10 PM
Anonymous said...: February 10 2015 at 1:28
Seems to me that this guy is considering FWB (aka f-buddy) with you, am I correct Moa? The guy didn't feel you since the beginning, why even bother be friends with him. While you're at home waiting for his calls he is out there meeting other women, you two are not in the same page dear. There will be plenty of amazing dates coming your way , never settle for less than you deserve.; February 10, 2015 at 7:04 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA. I was hoping you might give me some tips about how to deal with working with someone you once were involved with, but now he has moved on (again), yet clearly wants to retain the connection with me. I don't want to be his friend. I really tried, but still feel attracted to him (don't understand why, since he has chosen someone else over me). He floods me with calls, texts, asks me out. I've been ignoring these since he told me he is now seeing someone else. I can ignore him, but working together is quite a challenge. I do not have to work directly with him, but he has access to me pretty easily on the job. What do you suggest? I am having a hard time getting over the guy. This all has been going on for almost 3 years now. Thanks,; February 11, 2015 at 8:03 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 11, 8:03 AM,
The best you can do dear, is to keep your distance, remain professional, and only converse when it's necessary for work. If he approaches you or confronts you, very calmly just tell him that you're no longer comfortable with the situation, and that you think it's best to cease communications unless they're work related. And then stick to that from that point forward, and if he tries to engage you in battle or argument, simply calmly repeat that over and over again "I'm sorry but I'm no longer comfortable with this situation and I'd prefer that we cease communications that aren't work related. I hope you can respect that and understand where I'm coming from." And if he says, "No I don't understand." Then you say, "I'm sorry to hear that, I was hoping you would based on our past experience together." And you stick to your story there LOL ;-); February 11, 2015 at 5:44 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank-you, MOA, for the advice on working with someone you're trying to get over. I have to say, you are so right about no contact. It works! Nothing draws a man back to you faster. I have used it with my current on again off again relationship. Now I am using it, though, to get over him.

Your advice is so logical and helpful. I know I have to be smarter about my choices right from the start, and always let the man pursue! they want what they can't have. Thanks again!!!; February 12, 2015 at 7:36 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi! I have been seeking advice for my problem here on this blog but now my situation has finally become clear to me on its own! (how we're capable of losing sight of reality when we fall for someone and how it takes time to re-gain perspective!) I want to share my experience for everyone so if any of you find yourself in my situation then maybe my story will help to guide you through. About 2 and a half months ago I registered myself on an online dating site for the very first time. I started getting loads of messages from interested men almost as soon as I registered, but no one turned out to be that special. Then this one guy's profile caught my attention. He was good looking and an artist (I work in the creative field too) The website let me know that he had already liked my profile. So I decided to write to him, and this is what i'm afraid I did wrong. We got chatting, had lots in common. He was polite, witty, sweet and charming and I was swept off of my feet! Before I realised in just a matter of 2 weeks I fell for this man, online, without meeting him! He asked to meet me but I thought it was too early so I made an excuse. Mistake # 2. Then he began to flirt with me and laying it on real thick. I began getting offended. (my dream man would not say to a strange woman that he met online - "..it's cold here in the mornings and I had trouble getting out of the bed. With you in hugging ,would have been a day off.") Now I am not a prude or anything and honestly, I was enjoying his mild flirtation ("...here's a hug from behind. Save it for when you roll into bed.") but we were just getting to know each other! Anyways, since I was so into him, I didn't know how to tell him i'm not comfortable with his flirting. I was afraid I might lose him. Mistake # 3. So I left the dating site, invited him on Facebook and his flirting was more intense. To be fair I might have given him reason to think that it was OK for him to cross that line with me.; February 14, 2015 at 3:32 AM
Anonymous said...: CONTD. Then the inevitable happened - I ended up lashing out at him! All my anger and frustration came out and he was left dumbfounded. He apologised as well. Later he told me that he thought that we had already warmed up to get to that level of flirting. After many more exchanges on Facebook we have now stopped talking to each other mutually. I can't help but think he was interested in me only at a physical level and he thinks i'm emotionally unstable for getting upset on two different occasions and have "an unhealthy love for conflict.". I said he's a fence-sitter (for only flirting from a distance and not saying anything upfront like "I really like you". And honestly, I thought he didn't respect me enough. I'm an actress and I am very sensitive to the way ppl. treat me. I want the man to see me beyond my looks instead of thinking "she's so hot! So glamorous!" I know many men get carried away by the fact that they're talking to an actress and forget that she's also a person. This guy, I thought would be different. Why? Projection. I had projected the qualities of my dream man on to this bloke. In the end we never met, I was never able to find out his real intentions with me and to make it worse I am still fighting my feelings for him while he is happy going out on dates with other women regularly (don't ask me how I know that) And now my confidence has also taken a beating. I feel that I have no idea how to talk to men. But the lessons I learnt are - 1) Never approach a guy. If I approach men, they think i'm easy. Being an actress adds to the insult. Sigh! 2) When on an online dating site it's best to move into the real world asap instead of continuing chatting online for very long. I regret not meeting him when he asked me the first time. How much clarity I could've got from that meeting! 3) I got so insecure and so carried away that I forgot about boundaries. I should'e told him that his flirting is making me uncomfortable (something he himself said - "you should've told me, I would've stopped) without worrying about losing him, as the right guy would respect my wishes; the wrong guy would run away. My last message to him was - "I'm taking a step back for self-reflection as I don't want to fight anymore." He replied with 2 words- "makes sense." :) I may have messed this up but I will go back to that dating site and try again. This time wiser and smarter :) Have a Happy Valentine's Day ladies!; February 14, 2015 at 3:32 AM
Anonymous said...: I'm a virgo with mars in scorpio and he's a scorpio with venus in virgo. The day i began no contact we had been texting, he asked me a bullshit question and I left him hanging. a few hours later, he texted again. It's been 14 days now. Three days ago, he made up an excuse to text..."I was just driving down that (place we went to..) blah blah blah...hope ur well, miss u" I ignored him. Now he's seething, I can feel it, and he deserves it. He took me for granted and how nice it felt to have the sun shining on his face. Now it's cold and bleak and dark in his world....and he's going to have to live with that because at this point, im not willing to build up his ego again just for him to destroy mine. I love how shocked he must be....not trading this feeling for anything close to overcompensating for his insecurities ever again!; February 14, 2015 at 11:41 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,
Been reading your site for a few months & loving it!!!! Hoping I could have your take on my situation. I *think* I am doing this right, but I'd love feedback.
I met a guy last June who is a consultant in a field that is my avocation. We see each other periodically on a semi-professional basis. I've connected him with some people I know and vice versa. His office manager (K) is also a friend of mine. We hit it off talking, traded numbers in Aug and progressed into talking/texting on a more friendly basis.
I KNOW he's atttracted to me. Not long after we met, I stopped at his office to see K. I was on my way to meet someone and all dressed up. He happened to come out of his office & saw me, stopped in his tracks and ..you know that move where a guys's eyes slide from your eyes down to your toes & back up again? Well he did that one & then came over to talk..or try to lol. He could barely get 2 words out without garbling them. (And this is a guy who gives talks at conferences - he does NOT have trouble speaking ordinarily). It was pretty cute.
He made reference at some point in our conversations to doing the paperwork for his divorce and I understood it to mean that he was at the end of it. Given that, along with his earlier behavior, I expected this to progress into either a deeper friendship or a getting-to-know-each-other/ potential relationship.
He was great about calling/texting at first but I (before I found your site :( ) slid into initiating calls and texts, ranging from every 2-3 days to every other week. Unsurprisingly, his behavior became steadily worse...not returning texts for a week (or two), promising to call and not doing so, indicating that he'd like to meet, but never trying to set it up. Once I made the mistake of trying to arrange getting together to go horseback riding (not as a romantic thing - I am an avid rider & he rode as a kid, so it was more a way for him to reconnect with horses). He cancelled (by text) the night before on me. He did call the next day to apologize. I still should have gone NC right then & there, but I like him & enjoy talking with him, so I stupidly didn't. I left him a message & said basically that I might have misunderstood him and if he didnt want to be friends on this level, it was completely ok w/ me and we could go back to being acquaintances. And if that worked for him all he had to do was not reply to my message and I would understand. He texted me back immediately ("I apologize. Pls let's talk"). And then ..it was basically the same situation as before the message...until one Sunday he devolved into inviting me to meet him later that night at his hotel (!!!!) (He lives 2 hours away from me, but has clients in my area and periodically stays in the area instead of going home & coming back.)
(cont'd) (Fire&Water); February 20, 2015 at 12:18 PM
Anonymous said...: FWB is not my cup of tea and it bothered me that he even made the offer -so disrespectful! I was also angry at myself at behaving in a way he apparently interpreted to mean there was a possibility I would say yes to that. Shortly thereafter, I initiated NC. That was around the holidays. He texted me once ( to tell me he loved a quote I had sent him prior to NC) and I didn't answer.
Earlier this month, K told me in passing that he was in the middle of his divorce (not the end, as I had thought) and that a few months ago his to-be-ex-wife had taken their kids and moved 5 hours away and that he was torn up over it. That info put his bad behavior/unavailability in a potentially different light to me. And although I didnt appreciate that he wasn't up front enough to say he wasn't ready for a relationship, he may not have been as much of a jerk as i thought. Or rather, he was a jerk, but he had possibly extenuating circumstances.
So, although I am pursuing other relationships, I am thinking I'd like to leave the door open for something to develop between us in the future, when he his life back in order.
To that end, when we ran into each other a few days ago (after about 60 days of NC) we had a nice conversation - lighthearted, a little flirty, lots of laughs. I half-teasingly said I bet he still had my number and he grinned, so I said maybe he should use it sometime. He texted that night and said he was glad to see me again. I did not reply & don't intend to.
So I have 2 questionss:
1)Does my idea that he may not have moved forward/been emotionally available because he was still dealing w/ his divorce seem like a reasonable interpretation of his behavior and that it might be worth giving him another chance when his life is in a better place, or am I being too generous? Is his past sketchy behavior enough to make him the kind I should run from and not look back?
2) IF it is reasonable to keep the door open, is staying NC on him again (unless he reaches out) the right move here? Was my behavior at our last encounter enough/ more than enough? Or should I go back to "e-friend" status with no pressure on him? Would an occasional text on a special ocassion (like a Happy Birthday) be too much?

The above seems pretty simplistic, so I am including two other incidents in our conversations to give you a sense of him and the dynamic:
1) One day, he texted and asked how I was and I had had a very tough day. I replied I was down/sad...no details, just that. He replied and said something simplistic and a bit silly (something about there always being happiness in the present moment and to "be in the present"). It seemed to me that it was trivializing what I was feeling and I told him not to text me w/ that kind of BS again. II didn't hear from him for almost 3 weeks after that. But he brought it up almost immediately (but gently) the next time I saw him (he half-smiled and said "you have prickles"). I explained how his answer came off to me and he understood where I was coming from and I told him I did realize (eventually) that he was trying to help and we got back on the same page.

2)He has some signs of insecurity - name-dropping, trying to impress me w/ the people he knows. Once, he told me that I had no idea know how important he was. He was being quite obnoxious at that moment & I told him I didn't care if he was as important as the President and the Pope combined; I cared how he treated people. That shut him up. And he also said once that he tries harder when he's around me and asked "don't you know you affect people that way?". That was sweet but again, it makes me wonder about what level of insecurity he might have and I'm a little on my guard that he could be the cheater-type..His job would offer him a lot of opportunities.
Oh...and I'm terribly sorry to report that he is a Taurus. :s
Thanks for reading this whole novel..and for any feedback you have time to offer - it's much appreciated!
-Fire&Water; February 20, 2015 at 12:19 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Fire&Water,
"Does my idea that he may not have moved forward/been emotionally available because he was still dealing w/ his divorce seem like a reasonable interpretation of his behavior and that it might be worth giving him another chance when his life is in a better place, or am I being too generous?"

Whatever his reasons, probably the divorce, it does appear that this man isn't interested in a romantic relationship, at least not at this time. And he may have misinterpreted your advances (initiating contact) as you possibly proposing a FWB situation with him, hence the hotel invitation.

"IF it is reasonable to keep the door open, is staying NC on him again (unless he reaches out) the right move here?"

Yes - do not contact him, because you see how that was interpreted from him the first time. It will backfire. Besides, the only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested is to see if HE pursues HER.

"Would an occasional text on a special ocassion (like a Happy Birthday) be too much?"

I wouldn't do that. Particularly if he hasn't done that for you in the past first. If it's "reciprocal" - then okay. But if it's not and it's you "initiating" - then that will most likely backfire. The only thing a woman needs to do to signal her interest. . .is respond to the MAN'S advances (and not "initiate" any herself). He pursues, you respond. He leads, you submit (if you choose to).

"Or should I go back to "e-friend" status with no pressure on him?"

I would not repeat something that already failed once, ya' know?

If you're truly interested in getting to know this man better, then all you need to do is, the next time you see him, be warm, smile, be approachable, carefree, relaxed - and generally just exude a warm, welcoming vibe. And then see what his response to that is. Most men will interpret that as a "green light" for all systems go with a woman, they can sense that stuff.

And if he then reaches out to you, all you need to do to validate the "green light" for him - is respond to him, keeping the same warm, friendly, welcoming vibe and exchange of energy going between the both of you. That vibe encourages men to approach (initiate), and your response encourages them to keep approaching. Men really enjoy that type of positive energy and "fun" vibe from women. It makes them feel good about themselves, it makes them feel "successful" in the situation and it's an ego boost of sorts when they're well received by a woman like that. And the more they receive it, the more they come after it again and again ;-); February 21, 2015 at 8:17 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi ladies, reading through the comments for support. Starting no contact with someone that I have tried NC with before, but I have in and called after six months. I wanted to see if anything had changed, but no it hadn't. We've been in touch again for a short time, enough for me to realize I will never get what I want from him. I think it's hard in this situation because he's a good guy. Has never done or said anything bad, or hurt me, etc. If there were no feelings involved, he would make a great friend, but anything more than that, no, he's not going to step up to the plate with the attention and romance I should be getting from him. Wish me well.; February 23, 2015 at 11:48 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi
I recently broke up with a guy I really care about and had great chemistry with but he was disappearing and reappearing, and I couldn't take it anymore. We had been seeing each other for 9 months. I sent him a break up email over a week ago. It has been so hard to let him go and I have second guessed myself whether I should have cut it off. I just got this response from him-

"I AM SORRY about the delay in responding to you. Quite a terrible time to go silent. It's just been one of those weeks and It isn't that I haven't
thought about it. Quite the opposite, It has been on my mind every day. I've even started this email several times before this.
I just have been at a loss for words..and mixed feeling about what my response was going to be.
There's part of me that really wants to say no...lets work this out. And then a part that thinks you're making the right decision.

I couldn't agree with you more about the chemistry between us...And you definitely deserve all the things in a relationship that your looking for.
I wish my life would allow me to be more there for you.
I think you are an amazing person and have thoroughly enjoyed every moment that we have spent together.

I wish things had worked out better, but I understand and respect your decision..
I wish you all the best in world..

PS I still feel as though I am at a loss for words in comparison to all the feelings running around in my brain."

What does this mean? I want to respond to him so badly, to meet up and sort it out but I don't want the same dynamic. Afraid he is letting me go, and I am blowing it if I don't respond soon. Does the no contact rule apply, if so should I reach out after 30 days to him even if I haven't heard from him again. So so sad.
Sad and confused.; March 3, 2015 at 1:43 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sad and Confused,
"What does this mean?"

It means that he admits he cannot devote the time necessary to have a committed relationship - "I wish my life would allow me to be more there for you" - he's agreeing that he CAN'T devote the time necessary.

It means that even though he wishes it were different, he is agreeing with you that you're making the right decision for yourself, most likely because as he admits above, he does not have the time necessary to devote to a committed relationship (which could be why he disappears) - ". . .a part that thinks you're making the right decision."

And it means that he has no hard feelings and understands why you've broken up with him - "I understand and respect your decision."

"I want to respond to him so badly, to meet up and sort it"

Unless you're willing to settle for more of the same, I would not do that because it's not going to get "sorted out." He's admitting here that he doesn't have the time necessary to devote to a committed relationship, and meeting up and talking about it. . .isn't going to change that unfortunately.

"Afraid he is letting me go"

YOU let HIM go - and rightly so. . .because he's admitting here that he cannot devote the time necessary and he understands why you would not want to settle for what little he has to give.

"I am blowing it if I don't respond soon"

How would you be blowing it by not responding? If you respond - that's not going to somehow magically make him have more time to devote to you. If you respond, it's not going to solve the problem. The problem is that this man doesn't have the time to devote to a relationship - and whether you respond or not, that's not going to change.

"should I reach out after 30 days to him even if I haven't heard from him again"

It won't matter either way dear - because this man is admitting he doesn't have the time to do this the right way. He's admitting that he doesn't have the time to devote to a relationship. . .and most likely 30 days from now, that will not have changed, ya' know?

The issue is his availability for a relationship - not whether or not you respond or keep this going 30 days from now. He admits he doesn't have the time today, and he probably won't have the time 30 days from now - whether you respond or not :-(

I think the best thing to do here dear is accept the reality - which is that this guy simply does not have the time, nor does he appear to want to MAKE the time, to devote to a relationship. If you can accept that, I think you'll find peace. Because the situation, his situation, is beyond your control - and there's nothing you can do to change that. There's nothing you can do that will magically suddenly create the time or space in his life for a relationship. As a result, the best thing to do is accept that.

There's a great little quote that I think applies here that may bring you peace:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." ~ Reinhold Niebuhr; March 3, 2015 at 4:33 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you for your lovely words of support to all woman :); March 4, 2015 at 4:58 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror.

I AM 31 and met a guy at school (25) usually not my type but I kind of felt for him a little. We flirtet a LOT and Along the way i found out he had problems with smoking "things" ....doesnt fit with me as i have 3 Boys and am resently divorced. He shared his thougts and Dreams with me. He is joining the army to get away from bad company and quit smoking. So it struck me that he Wanted to make a better life for him self and that it wasnt important for me, as he Wanted the better life. He aske a lot about my kids and remembered what i told him. On our graduation (2 weeks later)we flirtet the whole night and we ended with having sex. Spent the night talking about the future and hinting that he at least Wanted to se where we were heading. I told him not to f*** with me as I am an HSP person and Falls very Hard. He said not to worry. We went home (far apart for now). And then we texted...and i know i came across as needy....He took days to respons and i would try to copy the time but always end up initiating the contact. He had my graduation hat and i asked him to send it to me although he earlier in our texting wanted to swing by and see the kids. I am now on nc and got my hat yesterday, no note. Im stuck where he texted me that he liked me but couldnt have a girlfriend now as he would be moving a lot the next year. He wrote that it was shit timing and that we Def. Matched. If only he had met me 5 years ago or in 5 years. I am now focusing on my New job as chef fyring nc. I wrote him and said i cared to much about him and needed spare, deleted him on facebook. He accepted that. I just dont want to loose him in My life, i feel he is special. What is your take on All this and Will he contact me? Sorry for bad language, i am not native american and i have a stupid autocorrect. Love from DK; March 5, 2015 at 5:05 AM
Zoe said...: Dear Moa,

You are such an amazing and wise woman, I would like to get your input on my situation. I started dating a guy a month ago, he is younger than me, I am 30 and he is 26. Everything is going well so far, we talk every day, he initiates all the communication and we see each other about twice a week we have dinner or go to the movies (he pays for everything) and then he usually sleeps over at my place.

The only thing that bothers me is that he has a lot of female friends...He goes shopping with them, to coffee shops during the day, they go clubbing together etc...and he tells me about it so he is not hiding it or anything but still its is bothering me a lot. Whats more is that he has 2 female flatmates (who he claims are just friends). I never met them though, he hasnt introduced me to them yet...

Last night he slept over at my place again and happily told me that one of his flatmates just invited him to go to a party at her university and how great it will be...then in the morning this same girl texted him that she wants to go with him to his university class. She goes to a totally different university, I didnt understand why she would go with him to class.... I didnt say anything but now I kinda regret it, I should have at least asked, but I was so puzzled...But at the same time I dont want to come across as jealous or too needy or anything plus he didnt ask me yet to be his girlfriend or be exclusive. I am not seeing anyone else though and I dont think he is either...We have a lot of very deep convos and he shares a lot about himself and his family.

Do you think I should do something? Like ask him about these girls? Because when he mentioned them to me before, I never said anything...Or maybe he just wants to test me if I get jealous, Im just not sure. I was thinking about going dark for a few days, like not respnding him if he contacts until he asks whats wrong but then again I would feel bad because he didnt do anything to hurt me directly...What would you do Moa?

Thank you soo much for all your input and all the wonderful advice you are giving here. You are helping us grow more that you will ever know xxx; March 5, 2015 at 6:08 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 5, at 5:05 AM
"What is your take on All this and Will he contact me?"

Well, it is what it is dear. It wasn't meant to be. You have work to do learning to cope with your insecurities in healthy ways so as to not appear needy, and he is very young and probably not ready to settle down just yet. Whether or not he contacts you again, only time will tell.

But if I were you, I'd stick with the NC and I wouldn't contact him after that time is up. Instead, I'd wait to see if he reached out to me and if he didn't, then I"d leave things be as it'd be apparent that's what would be best then.; March 5, 2015 at 8:20 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Zoe,
This is probably not what you want to hear - but I would not confront him on this at this time. And this is why. . ."he didn't ask me yet to be his girlfriend or be exclusive."

Right now, you're in the observation phase of dating. And if you begin to display insecurities or you become confrontational, most likely he'll change his behavior because of it and you will no longer be able to observe for yourself. Besides, asking him only gives him the opportunity to lie to you if he chooses to. And then like I said, he could change his behavior and you'll never observe the truth because of it.

It's very normal for college age students to have both male and female friends in their "group" at that age, and not all of them date or have any romantic history together. As well, you've never met these girls yet to be able to see for yourself how they interact with one another. If I were you, I'd wait to see if this progresses between you as a couple and, if so, at that time I'm sure you'll meet these girls eventually. And once that happens, like I said, you'll be able to see how they interact with one another and how well these other girls receive you. If anything is going on between him and any of them - THAT'S the time when you'll see for yourself by observing it first hand. Because when folks have been involved like that, they tend to give themselves away in subtle ways. Things like eye contact, smiling slyly at each other, whispering, the other girls acting "catty" and mean towards you - it'll show and you'll sense it immediately. . .if there's anything there.

In the meantime, rather than thing and worry about what he's doing with these girls, I'd suggest you give it some thought as to whether or not you can date a man with friendships like this, assuming they turn out to be platonic friendships only. Because if you don't think you can, it might not be worth moving forward. Because even if they are platonic friendships only - that situation may not make you happy and it may cause you grief, anxiety, worry and troubles in the form of "competition" with them for his time.

I had platonic friendships like this at that age that actually went back to my childhood. And to this day, we're all actually still friends - for 39 years now as a matter of fact. Some have married and for the most part, we all get along rather well and I'm actually very close with the girlfriends/wives of some of them now, too. So speaking from my own experience, platonic friendships are quite possible and honestly, I suggest that every woman out there have one close platonic male friend to "bounce" things off of, and to prove to yourself that not all men are out to receive something from you (sex) and there are ones that can actually be trusted. In my case, at this point, these are more like my brothers now than anything else. People over the years have suspected there's been some dating and whatnot, but they couldn't be farther from the truth.

Because I look at them as family of sorts, dating any of them would be downright "icky" feeling (no one wants to date their brother LOL) and had we dated in the past - I highly doubt we'd still be friends some 39 years later LOL. So all of this is quite possible if the individuals involved are mature and hold the friendships in high regard and don't taint them with romantic interests of any sort.

Cont. . .; March 5, 2015 at 8:51 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: As well, I had dated someone whom I still speak to regularly that had a close female friend. I've never met her, but I can tell by how they interact and how they "bounce" things off one another that it's platonic and most likely always has been and it never bothered me one bit. And actually, it got to the point where when I'd speak to this man, if he had spoken to his female friend prior and she knew we'd be talking - there was usually an exchange of "hellos" from her to me and vice versa through this man. She's his "confidant" of sorts and she's even "set him straight" when need be LOL, and I understand the need for those friendships as I feel they can be quite valuable. I also know a woman, a close friend of a family member, who has had a similar experience in that, during college she made a close male friend. Years later, she's now married with two children in their late teens, early 20's and when her daughter graduated high school - this close male friend took his friend, her mother, and the daughter who graduated - on a dream vacation to celebrate the daughter's graduation. So friendships that are forged at early ages can actually stand the test of time platonically if all parties are mature and respectful of one another and the friendships themselves.

So before you confront him, my suggestion would instead be to hang in there, wait to see if things progress between you and if that happens, I'm sure at that time you'll meet these girls for yourself - and they'll either welcome you with open arms and begin to include you into their "group" - or they'll give themselves away immediately by acting catty and mean. . .and you'll know something's up.

Either way, the observation phase is important. It's important for YOU to determine for yourself what's going on, and to not ask directly and place yourself in a situation where you can be lied to, and then he changes his behavior to better cover his tracks and you never end up meeting these other girls as a result.

Right now, you have the upper hand by being in the observation position and I wouldn't blow that by clueing him into the fact that this is bothering you and you're now watching closely. Instead, have confidence, exhibit that confidence (just in case he's trying to make you jealous to get a reaction out of you) and wait for things to progress and observe for yourself without clueing him in - and that's when you'll see the truth for yourself eventually :-); March 5, 2015 at 8:52 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi,I need your help in order to know how exactly to initiate NC with a guy.I met him online and fell for him. He was also interested initially, but later lost interest due to my insecure, erratic & somewhat needy behavior (although he didn't say this himself). However due to low self-esteem I couldn't let go of him and kept seeking validation. He never stopped responding to me and that kept giving me hope.
We met on my suggestion. He told me that he cannot have anything serious with me and gave me a lame excuse.
But he wanted to make out with me. We slept together once. All this while he's been maintaining an emotional distance and is being selfish. I want to end this, as I'm not and will not get what I want from him (a serious committed relationship) There's no future for us.
Also, he will move to another country soon. So it's convenient for him to string me along for a few more days till he's here, for his fun and entertainment, for which he sends me lazy texts once in a couple of days.
My problem is how do I end things with him? Just stop replying to his messages abruptly or politely tell him that I won't be seeing him again? If I do the former then it'll re-affirm what he thought of me before - that I'm erratic and inconsistent in my behavior. I might end up looking like the bad guy as I showed keen interest before and now I'm planning on disappearing. Isn't his what we criticise men for doing to us? Whereas the latter approach will make me seem more mature and in control. It'll be harder for me to do as I'm hurt and feeling disrespected, and it's not even entirely his fault as I went along in the hope of getting what I want from him. But now that I've come to my senses and don't want to live on his scraps, how do I end this? Which one will be a better approach? Thank you; March 9, 2015 at 11:27 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi, MOA. I've been seeing this guy for about three months or so. We only see each other during the week because I only have my kids on weekends, but things are going great. He talks a lot about other women in his life. One in particular, that he works with. He says that she has spent the night at his place a couple of times on the weekend but that nothing happened, that she slept in his bed and he slept on the couch. He says she is older than him, but pretty, and they are just friends. it really bothers me that he has this relationship with her but he insists they are just friends. I'm not sure where to go with this. I am really confused. Any advice?; March 15, 2015 at 8:57 AM
Confused said...: Hi MOA, I have been dating a man for a year and a half. We are exclusive and love each other. He has a lot of stress in his life. He has a very demanding job that requires a lot of travel and he has family issues. Lots of problems with the ex wife. When those issues blow up he gets very quiet and shuts down for a few days. It took me a while to understand but he always came back. More recently he is having an issue with his teenage daughter who is getting into trouble and he is extremely worried about her I can tell. As a result, he told me he loved me then asked me for a break for a month. I thought that seemed extreme but I agreed. We have previously put the brakes on but have always maintained communication. He has stopped all communication. I reached out after a week and he responded quickly and kindly but that was it. I realized he really doesn't want to hear from me. Soooo, I sent a note saying I support his need for a break, his daughter is priority number 1 and I will be here when he is ready. I will not contact him again. My question is, what do I do when (if) I hear from him? And if a month passes with no word, should I reach out? How do I proceed after being shut out for a month? I feel like being too available upon his return condones this behavior which I don't want to do.
Confused in CA; March 16, 2015 at 10:42 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 15, 8:57 AM,
"it really bothers me that he has this relationship with her but he insists they are just friends. I'm not sure where to go with this. I am really confused. Any advice?"

Well, this is one of those situations where you have to ask yourself, "Will this make me happy?" Because the reality is that if you confront this issue, it's going to make you appear insecure to him, which could diminish his attraction in some way. The flip side to that is that he may be talking about her to actually trigger you into becoming insecure, so that he reassures himself and gains the upper hand. Either way, it's not good.

If he's not currently participating in these overnight stays with her, then I'd let this rest and I wouldn't bring it up because it's in the past and there's no need to dredge up things he did prior to meeting you, particularly if he hasn't asked you for a commitment.

However, if it's currently taking place, the one thing you can do. . .is decide that this relationship isn't going to make you happy and might actually do damage to your self-esteem and confidence. I mean sure, you can bring it up and give him the opportunity to lie to you, string you along, trigger you, etc. but that will ultimately get you nowhere so it's pointless. If these things are taking place currently and he's telling you about it, my suggestion would be to pull back big time with him. Because you don't really know what's taking place here and 1) you have to protect yourself be keeping some emotional distance and 2) you need to provide space to OBSERVE his behavior and 3) once you've pulled back, you need to see if he cares enough to come to you and ask what's wrong. And if he does that, then THAT is when you tell him that the situation may not be working out for you because you're not comfortable with their overnight stays and you're not going to ask him to change, so instead you've decided that you're just going to move on.

If you approach it like that, then YOU will hold the power and you will get to observe his actions and his response to that, which will ultimately let you know where you stand with him. If he cares, he'll contact you, ask to talk, and once you inform him of how you're feeling, he'l offer to stop the overnight stays. If he doesn't care, then none of the above will take place, you'll have your answer and you'll be free to move on if need be :-)

Do just as the article says - when a man treats you poorly or takes you for granted or does something you're not comfortable with - you pull back and you go silent (rather than become confrontational and emotional). . .and you wait to see if he springs towards you as a result of the tension you've placed between you. If he does, you have your answer. If he doesn't, you have your answer. Either way, you have your answer :-); March 16, 2015 at 6:47 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Confused,
I think this article may shed some light for you dear:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/how-to-say-no-dating-life-consequence.html

The overall message in that piece is one of "consequence." He's asked for space and time, which is fine, he's entitled to that and you're obliging him there. HOWEVER - there IS a consequence to that. And the consequence is that HE no longer has access to YOU. In otherwords, he's made this request. . .so now he has to live with the consequences of it. He is NOT entitled to expect you to sit around "on hold" for him forever.

"what do I do when (if) I hear from him?"

Don't jump on that call or text right away, and don't respond to it right away either - give HIM something to think about (the fact that he may have lost you and/or willingly let you go). Let that ruminate a bit in his mind and see if makes another attempt. See if he amps up his efforts or if he's just made one lame attempt and is moving on, acting like a man-child cause you didn't jump and you weren't sitting around on hold waiting for him.

"if a month passes with no word, should I reach out?"

NOPE. HE made HIS bed - let him lie in it. Again - CONSEQUENCES dear. Don't do the work for him.

Think of it like this - as learned behavior. When your puppy pees on the floor, do you reward it with a treat? No, you do not. You place the puppy outside, away from you, so that it knows that behavior is not acceptable and if the puppy wants to be inside with you, it cannot pee on the floor. People learn through consequence, children learn through consequence and even animals learn through consequence.

So on the same token, when a man asks for space or treats you poorly, etc. - you do NOT reward them for that behavior with more of your time, attention and affection. If you do not do that and instead you jump for them and let them right back in the door, they're going to "learn" that this is actually acceptable behavior to you. . .and they'll do it again and again and again - because there's no consequence to fear in doing so.

I realize he has a lot going on and you're attempting to be understandable here but if he thinks he can shut you out, reel you in, shut you out, reel you in. . .is that really going to be a happy experience for you anyway? No, it's not - so don't fight for it or bend over backwards to accommodate it. Adults understand that when they enter into relationships and commitments - WORK is involved to maintain them. If you're not willing to do the work and you have no intention of actually following through and maintaining the situation, then you have absolutely no business entering into a commitment or a relationship. And you certainly have no business expecting someone else to be happy and stick around for your "on again, off again" wishy-washy behavior, ya' know?

"How do I proceed after being shut out for a month?"

After 30 days of not hearing from him - you consider it OVER and you actively move on. A month is more than enough to extend someone for a situation like this and if he can't get it together in a month and figure out how to manage his personal life along with a relationship and a commitment. . .then as I stated above, he has no business being in one. Because it's not fair to expect others to accommodate you to a degree that's over and above what you're already doing.

Cont. . .; March 16, 2015 at 7:05 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: In that case it becomes a situation of, "I respect you and I have no ill feelings towards you. When you get things ironed out and you have time to manage your personal life as well as a relationship - call me. And if I'm still available, we'll take it from there."

That's how you maintain your dignity, you garner respect for him, you signal that you're not going to desperately sit and wait as months go by and that he's either in - or he's out. At that point, the ball is in his court. He's either going to pick it up and make a slam dunk, or he's going to walk off the court. Either way, you're not going to sit around waiting forever because it's disrespectful of him to expect you to.

That signals to him that YOU are in control of your own life and that if he wants to be with you, he needs to begin to practice the same in his ;-); March 16, 2015 at 7:05 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello MOA - thank you for your articles, I re-read them frequently as I find they give me strength to keep going. I have read the both disappearing men articles and the no contact and consequences in dating and I have found them so helpful, so thank you again. I would love to get your opinion on my situation because even though I have accepted the reality of it I am hoping you can shed some light on it. My DM and I work at the same place though not in the same department and I noticed him first. He seemed very shy when I would say hi and sometimes would just look at me and not respond. My work friends let him know of my interest in him (though I asked them not too, I thought he would not be interested in me and it was strange to tell him as I didn't know much about him). He never approached me or tried to start a convo (tho I noticed him in my area a lot more after that and I could tell he was watching me). 2 months after my friends talked to him he asked my friends how he could get hold of me, even though he saw me that day but didn't speak to me. They gave him my phone number but he wanted to make sure it was ok with me if he contacted me, so my friend got my "permission." He was very sweet and funny when he text me 2 days later and continued the text me (he initiated). He asked me to dinner (we seemed to have a lot in common) and it was great (yes he paid!) and he asked if I wanted to do it again and I said "sure, text me." He did, and we continued to text. As I was traveling the next weekend I assumed that was why he hadn't asked me out. I initiated (mistake, I know now!) a text the day I was leaving and he responded immediately and seemed happy I texted. I didn't hear from him all weekend but saw him at work the next week were he talked to me and seemed happy to see me, but he never texted. So on advice from friends I initiated again (big mistake, I know I KNOW!) with a funny inside joke to which he immediately responded. During that text convo he told me he was having a frustrating day (which is opening up for him, he never complained) and I told him a had a long weekend and he asked if I had any plans. As this was a Tuesday and I didn't have any plans I said no not yet (and no I did NOT ask him if he did). And then.....he fell off the face of the earth. I have not reach out again. Fast forward one week and he avoids me 2 times a work, literally hiding from me twice! It made me feel like crap, like he thought I was stalking him. 2 weeks after the hiding he talked to me like nothing happened, leaning in to talk to me, though I was not open and friendly (not smiling) just pleasant and focused only on business questions. Now I rarely see him, he makes himself very scarce. The few times I have seen him he will say hello and I do too but I don't start any convo and I keep walking. The last time I saw him he made a point of talking to another female were I could see him, which annoyed me but I acted like I didn’t notice.

- Austin Girl

Cont..; March 17, 2015 at 7:51 PM
Anonymous said...: Cont...

I am so confused by this behavior and here are my questions:
Why ask if I have plans? Didn't it seem like he was going to ask me on a date?
He never mentioned my looks and never tried to touch me on the date, was this a bad sign? I thought he was just being a gentleman.
Could age be a factor here? He is 10 years older - never married, no kids - than me (I am in my mid-twenties) and he seemed a little insecure about his age.
Is it intimidating that I own my own home and he doesn't? Could that of turned him off?
I know I shouldn't have initiated those two texts because it was me "chasing" him, but at the time I was worried he didn't know I was interested (which I now know is a good thing!). It just seems like when I compare my behavior to other posters it isn't that bad. And I wouldn’t have texted if he hadn’t acted like he was into me.
I know he just isn't that into me, which hurts because I really liked him, so I initiated no contact and its been 50 days. I am trying to get over it and move on but it just bugs me so much! I would be so much easier if I didn’t have to worry about running into him. Any insight? Should I concern myself with a reappearance? Because at this point it doesn't seem likely.

- Austin Girl; March 17, 2015 at 7:52 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Austin Girl,
"Why ask if I have plans? Didn't it seem like he was going to ask me on a date?"

That could've also just been small talk. It's not unusual to ask folks what their plans for the weekend are, or what they did over the weekend, or where they went, etc. It's "water cooler talk" at work a lot and in this case, there is a possibility that's what that was.

"He never mentioned my looks and never tried to touch me on the date, was this a bad sign?"

Not necessarily. I mean sure compliments are nice, but many times when folks are first meeting, they don't feel comfortable enough yet to let their thoughts be known.

"Could age be a factor here? He is 10 years older"

It could be, particularly if he was a bit uncomfortable about it or feeling insecure about it.

"Is it intimidating that I own my own home and he doesn't?"

Same as above, it could be. If he's insecure about his age and he doesn't own his own home as you do, and he's a bit insecure, he could be secretly feeling as if he's got nothing to offer.

"Any insight? Should I concern myself with a reappearance?"

I wouldn't concern yourself with any of it honestly. It was only one date. I realize it's uncomfortable at work, but you seem to be handling that properly so I'd just look at this as one date and - oh well, his loss, ya' know?

There could be a multitude of things taking place here. He could be talking to someone else. He could've been talking to someone else the entire time because I'm sure he has a personal life outside of work, so that's a possibility. He could be an insecure guy. He could be a man that's simply not interested in a relationship or commitment of any type. He could be a guy who doesn't think it's wise to date anyone he works with.

It could be a lot of things that have absolutely nothing to do with you. As a result, I wouldn't concern myself with the one date that happened, I'd remain civil at work, be the bigger person while he hides like a child, and carry your head high - it's his loss here ;-); March 18, 2015 at 8:33 AM
Anonymous said...: Sorry If you are getting multiples of this response, I was trying to send it on a mobile device and it would disappear.

Thank for your response MOA. I guess the most confusing part was that he text me after the date and continued to text me as if he was interested. If he wouldn't have contacted me after the date it would have been easier because I would have known he just wasn't into me. At this point I honestly wish he would have never ask my friend for my contact info and just left it alone because I was really starting to like him :-(. So do you think I scared him away with initiating contact or he was going to disappear anyway? Also, the hiding and avoiding thing, is that normal? It seems so strange and such an extreme reaction when I gave him no reason to think I would be emotional. Also, in your experience, do men who disappear after just one date reappear later or is that just something that happens after you have been dating more? At this point I hope he stays gone, I just worry he will catch me off guard in the future, especially since I actually liked him. Men are so confusing and frustrating! Thanks for helping me to better understand their actions.
- Austin Girl; March 18, 2015 at 12:15 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Austin Girl,
"do you think I scared him away with initiating contact or he was going to disappear anyway? Also, the hiding and avoiding thing, is that normal?"

Well, if he's an insecure guy (which I suspect he very well may be based on how he tip-toed around asking you out through friends, when meanwhile, he'd see you everyday at work anyway) - then yea, this behavior is normal and yea, he probably would've disappeared anyway I'm sad to say.

Read this piece here on the topic of insecurity and see if any alarm bells start sounding off in your head:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2015/02/insecure-men-dating.html

"in your experience, do men who disappear after just one date reappear later or is that just something that happens after you have been dating more?"

Well, I did a little experiment here once where, on a very popular piece:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/06/disappearing-reappearing-man-what-to-do.html

I asked the ladies to write down all of the men they've ever dated, note the one's who just up and disappeared, and then list the one's that returned - whether they disappeared without warning, broke up with them, experienced a fight - whatever.

And if I remember correctly, it was astoundingly eye-opening to see that approximately 90% of men did indeed resurface, regardless of whether it was a disappearance or not. So yea, I do think most circle back around at some point in time. Some ladies there reported even years later and I, myself, have had men resurface years later, with one hanging on for about 4 years or so, touching base sporadically from time to time.

And if you read the two pieces I've referenced above - check out this piece as well, which was written as a follow up to the first "disappearing man" piece:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/11/dating-a-disappearing-man.html

I think after you read each of those pieces, you'll feel a lot less bothered by what's just happened to you ;-); March 18, 2015 at 4:22 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks MOA you have helped me get a better understanding of my situation, a couple things from the insecure men post made sense with my DM like being flaky and emotionally unavailable. Reading the end result of dating an insecure man was disturbing! I guess he realized I wasn't a good victim and did me a favor when he disappeared :-)

- Austin Girl; March 18, 2015 at 8:01 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Moa,

I would love your insight on my situation. I have been seeing a guy for about 2 months but it just turned out 2 weeks ago that he would have to leave the country and move abroad...I was so shocked bc I started to develop feelings for him. As soon as it turned out, I panicked and told him I might have feelings for him and I would like to continue this and started to ask him to do various things together (I know I know but I panicked and didnt think straight, I felt our time is limited and there was so many more things I wanted to do with him...)

He started to pull back after this and yesterday he eventually told me that when I keep asking him questions about our future or ask him to do things together, he feels pressured and he doesnt like it bc he wants things to happen naturally... Straight from the horses mouth!!! I needed to hear this I think bc now I know I was just too much but I really felt desperate that I would lose him forever. He didnt say anything to my questions about our future and his last text was yesterday when he just told me all this...I responded last night saying that I didnt think he would feel pressured by these things and I just wanted to spend as much time with him as possible before he leaves. He didnt respond anything to that and that was last night.

He has now less than 2 weeks left in my country and I dont know what to do... I mean I know now that I should not initiate any more contact with him and I won't, but what if he contacts me to say goodbye or something?
I was thinking I might go no contact but maybe it is rude. Or shall I just say I dont want to meet him now? Just to get back some power? I don't want to play games though...I am just afraid that even if he contacts me, it would just be for a break up meeting, full of goodbyes and all and I am not sure I can handle that now...I have had to say goodbye to too many people recently and I am just tired of letting go..

What would you do in my situation Moa? Thank you so much for your wisdom!; March 24, 2015 at 9:31 AM
Anonymous said...: I am an aries who has been in a relationship with a Capricorn man the past 5-6 months.
We love each other and whatnot. He recently suffered a loss, and things have been rocky for us (communication issues). Long story short, he has randomly disappeared on me! It has been like 2-3 weeks so far...I know Caps tend to do a disappearing act every now and then, but I am left confused.
His stuff is still at my house, he hasn't changed any of his Netflix/HBO Go passwords or anything like that (yet, at least). My friend told me to do the same to him, I sadly did not listen, and hit him up & got no response. Should I go ahead and implement the 30 day no contact rule?
Even if he is going through something he has made it clear he does not want to talk to me specifically.; March 24, 2015 at 7:05 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 24, 9:31 AM,
"what if he contacts me to say goodbye or something?"

Then you respond and you wish him well and you say goodbye and you close this chapter and accept as best you can the reality of the situation.

I wouldn't suggest ignoring any attempt from him to say goodbye because he really hasn't done anything wrong here. Meaning, he didn't just up and disappear and never explain himself. He pulled back but he did ultimately explain why, which shows he had respect for you. Otherwise if he didn't, he would've just disappeared and never explained why or spoke to you again.

"I am just afraid that even if he contacts me, it would just be for a break up meeting, full of goodbyes and all and I am not sure I can handle that now"

Well dear, we all have to do things in life that make us uncomfortable ya' know? And just because you don't participate in the goodbyes wouldn't mean that the "end" didn't happen. It would still happen, only you may be left lacking a sense of closure if you don't participate. So my suggestion would be to participate in that as a mature adult if the opportunity arises and see it for what it is - closure, and the opportunity to begin to heal, let the past in the past, and move freely towards the future :-); March 25, 2015 at 9:37 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 24, 7:05 PM,
"Should I go ahead and implement the 30 day no contact rule?"

I would - and if/when he ultimately does contact you - I would not respond right away. Whether the 30 days have passed or not, I would not "jump" on any communications from him and I'd force him to make repeated attempts to capture my attention because he disappeared without a warning, never explained why, and has since ignored your attempts at communication.

As a result, he does NOT get rewarded for that bad behavior with more of your time, attention and affection. Instead, he receives a CONSEQUENCE for that type of treatment and that consequence is no access to you. And when/if he does come around, the further consequence to that is to not make it easy for him to return. Because that signals that this type of treatment is not acceptable to you and it comes with a consequence. And if he wants to see you, he has to treat you with respect.

Just because he's going through something does not give him the right to treat others poorly. I understand that life throws us curve balls, every single one of us. However, that does not give us the right to go around lashing out at others and punishing others for things that are happening to us that we have no control over.

So he gets 30 days of no contact starting today - and if/when he does communicate eventually, his communications receive no response until he either 1) apologizes or 2) invites a "talk" of some sort. If he doesn't do that, he gets no response and he needs to keep trying. . .which should force him to do the right thing, which is apologize. And if he fails to do that - and he never apologizes. . .then this isn't a man worth dating dear. Because spending your life with someone who does not respect you and treat you as an equal is not going to be an enjoyable experience anyway.; March 25, 2015 at 9:45 AM
Fire&Water said...: Hi All,
This is Fire&Water from 2/20/15. I'm back ..well, actually I've never left :) I hop on here every few days to learn more ( & take notes!) and remind myself of all the important concepts. PS: @Gem50, chk, Hopeful, Lottie, Vivian: hi & best wishes to you all - I feel like you all are friends - I've appreciated your stories and insights so much!
MOA - I hope this isn't too much of a play-by-play question. I may answer it myself as I type, but the guy in my story above - I'll call him A - & I got chatting during one of our run-into-each-other-sporadically-at-his-office moments about a topic with which I am familiar and he is not. This was last week. He said wants to discuss it more in-depth set a date (just a date, no time, place tentative) next week for us to meet. He initiated, I responded. No add'l contact. Given his past behavior, I am expecting him to either cancel the night before, or completely forget about it and never respond with a time & place confirmation. My intention was to just wait and see what he did, and move forward w/ other plans if he didn't confirm 3 days before (Wed for our potential Sat meet).
My issue is that I now have an invite to spend time with a close friend that same night and she needs confirmation by this Sun. I don't really want to tell her I can't make it if A is going to cancel/forget as expected, but I doubt he will touch base with me before Wed. The only things I can think of are to blow him off - would be fun :-) but is that too rude? - or text him to ask him to confirm by this Sat, which I really really don't want to do because I'm sure he's expecting me to initiate/chase. Ugh..even as I type that option sounds really bad to me. So I'm left with either telling her I'm busy when I may not be (doesn't sound so great either), or blowing A off. So I guess that's my question - is asking him to re-sched an ok move here? This isn't a date, it's semi-professional, but I've been treating it as if it is.; April 8, 2015 at 1:36 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I found your site through searching no contact. Very insightful information. However, since every situation is different, I am wondering if this will salvage anything left with the guy I like now..

We started off as "friends" 2 years ago - friends meaning he liked me, I had a boyfriend, was not interested in him but I eventually caved in and began having feelings for him - my boyfriend and i had broken up temporarily and while him and I are about to get back together, I realized I was scared to take this on. I returned with my boyfriend and this ultimately broke his heart. He stopped talking to me for a while but then a few months later we initiated contact again. Next thing I know, close to a year later, he decides to confess drunk he loves me. Didn't work out like the fairy tale I envisioned it to be. He was very busy with his master's degree and wasn't interested in sending me text messages on the daily but would call me almost every night. One day I didnt hear from him at all for about a day or so and was upset - this tantrum I had ultimately drove him away. We didn't speak once again. A few months later, he pops up again and we are friendly. We go to a wedding together and ended up sleeping together. I thought, cool, this is going somewhere. Boy was I wrong. Here I am now, we had "the talk" and he sees me as a friends with benefits. He barely texts me. If he does, he will send me a meme or tell me "just did X, Y, Z" or a copy of the paper he's submitting for his degree... like the guy can't even say hello / how are you / good morning.
And... I've been Mrs. Available, Mrs. I always respond immediately to texts, Mrs. sure, you can come over at 1am... or hey i'll stop by as soon as you ask me to.

Why am I stressing? Because when he has shown me kindness and his true self, he's great (this is rare). But ever since I hurt him, he's changed completely - again, this was 2 years ago...

I am currently at the NC stage and wondering if it's even worth it? Someone once told me the one thing men don't lie about is when they say they don't want to meet with someone.

Sorry this is long.

Sincerely,
JM; April 8, 2015 at 3:06 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Fire and Water,
"Is asking him to re-sched an ok move here?"

Don't bother doing that - there is nothing scheduled or firmly in place, therefore, there's no need to request a reschedule. Additionally, because there are no committed, firm plans in place - you're free to make plans as you see fit without worrying about him one bit.

NEVER rearrange your schedule around someone who isn't committing theirs to you dear ;-)

Go ahead and make plans to spend with your friend. When or IF he contacts you next week to follow through, you simply say, "Apologies, but something has come up. How about we do (provide another date) instead?"

And that's it. That's not rude because you're not breaking plans - there were no committed plans to break. Additionally, this signals to him that YOUR time is valuable, and that if he wants a piece of it, he'll have to commit to plans upfront, instead of leaving things hanging and being wishy-washy and non-committal.

Live your life carefree of worries about someone who isn't bothering to worry about you dear ;-); April 8, 2015 at 4:58 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @JM,
"I've been Mrs. Available, Mrs. I always respond immediately to texts, Mrs. sure, you can come over at 1am... or hey i'll stop by as soon as you ask me to"

Don't do that dear - the minute you agree to be treated like a booty call is the minute you actually BECOME one.

You set the tone for how you expect others to treat you. And when you drop everything or rearrange your plans or compromise and put yourself out for someone. . .you decrease your value in their eyes :-(

However, when you use the Law of Scarcity, and you make yourself scarcely available, it's human nature an a bit of psychology that folks will automatically place a higher value on you.

Manufacturers use this on us every single day. Ever wonder why, around the holidays, almost every year there's some children's toy or gadget that is scarce. . .and folks are trampling each other in line to get it? Ever wonder why Walmart advertises TV's for $200 - but on Black Friday, when they know hundreds will pour into the store for it - there are only 6?

The reason why is the Law of Scarcity:

http://ezinearticles.com/?Understanding-the-Law-of-Scarcity&id=184783

It's a psychological "trick" of sorts, because as humans, it's a well known fact that we want what we can't have and we value things we have to work hard for more than things that are handed to us.

"I am currently at the NC stage and wondering if it's even worth it?"

No one can predict what will happen. It all depends on the man's level of interest, his emotional maturity, etc. But if you want to put him to the test, try it. Either way, it WILL work for YOU to help you emotionally detach from him - so in that respect, it's a win-win situation for you.; April 8, 2015 at 5:08 PM
Fire&Water said...: Oh..wow - thanks for the super-speedy response, Mirror. And ok- I will do just that. Huh - I have to get used to being that tough :-) Guess this is good practice!
And also, Mirror - you rock. Totally! I can't say how much I appreciate this site & all you do. PS I was reading old comments in the Disappearing Man thread (the original one) and happened upon your Phil-saga. I laughed 'til I was in tears. Thank you so much for sharing that!!!!!!!! It reminded me of something I have found to be true (as someone who has a gift for getting into ridiculous situations): the stuff that embarrasses the crud out of us at the time makes the best stories later ;)
If I haven't said it before: best wishes to you for life!; April 10, 2015 at 11:32 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello MOA,
I have decided to write my ex boyfriend a "goodbye letter", My dilemma is wether I should send an ex a goodbye letter or not??? And what you think about the wording of the letter, here it is:

'Hey Manny, hope you're good, you don't need to reply to this as it's just a couple things I've had on my mind for a while now, a closure message so to speak.

I've been debating with myself on wether I should write this or not but since this is the only way I'm really gonna get over us, i will Write it. I know we've been done for a while now, but ever since we broke up I haven't been able to get over it, it's wierd cos I probably should be over it by now (you probably are), but you weren't just another guy to me. 2013 was pretty much the most amazing time of my life, cos it was nothing but love and happiness when you entered my life. I wanted to be your everything and I know I was, We went through rollercoasters with each other but I didn't wanna stay away cos being with you made me happy in a way that I had never experienced before (Maybe that was my mistake) . Unfortunately for us we just couldn't make it for what ever reasons, and to this day I still can't figure out why, maybe it was just a case of us being complete opposites to each other. However it's been a long battle attempting to move on, I can't go a day without thinkin about all the things I learned and experienced with you, every thing you ever said and done for me, but I know that I can't go on that way cos it's over and that's just sadly the way it is. Like I said you don't need to reply to this, But if I never wrote this I would probably go crazy thinkin these things when it can no longer be. I know you've moved on and gotten other girls since me and I just wanna be able to do the same so this is the only way I would be able to fully let you go and do that, this is the 1st step for me. I wish you nothing but the best and hope you find whatever it is you're lookin for, be blessed and take care (and if you read up to here thank you lol) xxx '

Abit of background content for you MOA; This ex and I got together in 2013, We fell in love with each other and he treated me well throughout our whole relationship, so we didn't break up because of anything he did. We were on and off though pretty much the whole year and a half we were together and the reason for that is that we were two polar opposites, we didn't have much in common, it was like trying to squeeze a circle Into a square peg unfortunately, but we could never end it for good because we enjoyed each other as people, unfortunately we were not compatible and the break up was mutual, we both knew it had to be done.

He got into a rebound relationship straight after me, but they didn't work out, since we broke up 6 months ago I have not been able to stop dwelling in the past, to make matters worse, we saw each other for the 1st time in a supermarket 2 weeks ago, and he pretended not to see me and walked the opposite direction to where I was walkin, this pretty much broke my heart and along came this goodbye letter idea.

I have shown it to 2 girlfriends, 1 said she thought it was too sweet and vulnerable of a letter and that he would think he still has me and could pick up the phone anytime he liked and I would be there waiting, (she said the tone of the letter was too brooding and abit pathetic LOL). The other friend said she just couldn't figure out what the tone of it was supposed to be, that she couldn't distinguish wether it was a goodbye letter or a "Manipulation to get you back letter".

So MOA I need a third eye, how would u perceive this letter if you were my ex (from what you know about our situation)....do you think the tone makes me look pathetic??... do you think I should even send an ex a goodbye letter or should I just let lying dogs sleep and move on silently??....please me let me know...Thank you xxx

#LondonBaybeh; April 12, 2015 at 11:55 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror..
I absolutely love love LOVE this article.. Ive read it at least 10 times lol.
Anyway.. I met a guy last night at a night club, and made out with him (I wouldnt do it usually.. I got too drunk). I was being very distant cuz I really liked him and I dont want to give him the wrong idea... but then I drank wayyy too much and got super drunk to the point my friend had to take me home...and I remember I was making out with him ..many times.
He asked for my number when he was buying me a drink, and I was sober at that point.... But he did not call me or text me at all the next day .. should I stop waiting for him and move on with my life? I do have his number because he called me after I give him my number so I can have his number... But I know I should not make the first move... honestly I think I screwed things up by getting hammered...too bad I really really like this guy :((; April 13, 2015 at 2:44 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @LondonBaybeh,
"My dilemma is wether I should send an ex a goodbye letter or not?"

My suggestion would be to NOT send a letter. Letters like this share too much emotion and often times, overwhelm men, they don't understand, they can't relate and therefore, much of what is written is lost to them and overlooked. Additionally, when a letter is written, all it does is reassure the man that the woman, regardless of what she's saying, is actually still very attached to him - otherwise, she wouldn't have taken the time to compose the letter.

For instance, things like this "the only way I'm really gonna get over us" and "ever since we broke up I haven't been able to get over it" and "it's been a long battle attempting to move on, I can't go a day without thinkin about all the things I learned and experienced with you."

You see, instead of coming across to him as independent, confident, steady, emotionally strong and as a "prize" of sorts. . .this messaging actually displays the opposite to him. It reassures him that you're devastated, unable to move on, somewhat co-dependent as a result (on him for your happiness), and emotionally unstable at the moment as a result.

These are the things a man EXPECTS to hear from a woman.

If you want to be a "different" woman to him, if you really want to catch his attention and make HIM unable to forget YOU - then you need to not share these things with him, put your game face on, go out into the world and attempt to move on. . .and come across as a "prize" of sorts that he secretly wishes to have.

"we saw each other for the 1st time in a supermarket 2 weeks ago, and he pretended not to see me and walked the opposite direction to where I was walkin, this pretty much broke my heart and along came this goodbye letter idea"

He did that on purpose - to get a reaction from you. . .and you're about to hand him the reassurance that his little prank worked (in the form of this letter). My suggestion would be to NOT give him that satisfaction.

And I agree with both of your girlfriends regarding this letter. It is emotional and vulnerable, it will reassure him that you're still there willing and waiting, and he will interpret it as a "I want you back really bad" letter that was triggered by his little supermarket stunt.

Basically, sending him a letter like this hands ALL the power right over to him.

It's basically like saying, "You won, I lost. You're okay, I'm devastated." Which is something you NEVER want to admit to a man because if you do, he will be reassured that he has you, that you're ripe for the picking whenever he should choose to do so, if he should choose to do so in the future. He will take you and the situation for granted. . .that he can have you whenever he wants should he choose to do so, because you're still there, willing and waiting.

"do you think the tone makes me look pathetic?"

Well, let's just say that it doesn't make you look confident, strong, independent and emotionally stable - which is what men are drawn to.

Cont. . .; April 14, 2015 at 8:55 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "do you think I should even send an ex a goodbye letter"

Nope. I see no reason to play your cards here and grant him the upper hand by showing your hand to him.

"just let lying dogs sleep and move on silently?"

That'd be my suggestion. Stand strong, remain confident, stay independent, stay emotionally strong -- and do not share these emotions with a man that is behaving as if he could care less about them anyway. If you do that, you also run the risk of him taking advantage of that upper hand by using your own emotions against you (telling others, showing others the letter, calling you desperate, bragging about how he's so great that his last girlfriend is still crushed and attempting to win him back, etc.)

Don't give him that type of satisfaction dear. And don't give him that impression of yourself. What's going on inside of you is no longer his concern, so don't give him any "fodder" to make you look foolish to others, ya' know? Don't dig up the past and instead, do your best to remain focused on the future. Sending this letter isn't going to make you feel better. It's not going to provide closure, it's actually the re-opening of an old wound triggered by the supermarket encounter.

What will make you feel better is - acceptance.

Acceptance of the situation as it is will cause a certain peace of mind to eventually wash over you. There will be peace in knowing and accepting that it's over - and being okay with that :-) Share these emotions with your girlfriends instead, and don't give this man any ammo to fire against you with.; April 14, 2015 at 8:56 AM
Chleo said...: Hi Mirror and Ladies

I am not exactly sure how to explain this, but my ex partner came to see me at my job and it was uncomfortable. He sent me several messages these past months ( to which I haven't answered), and he appeared telling me he was very worried about my health. He invited me to dinner and this is puzzling me. He told me that he deeply cared about me. ( Mind you, he never said the love word, and I didn't asked about his feelings either). I told him I was very occupied and he offered to take me home. I refused. What is bothering me is that this man treated me very well while I was almost dying, but short time afterwards, he humiliated me horribly ( like practically making out with other women in front of me and so on, speaking badly to me while other people were present, to which they found it very funny). The thing is, during my illness I was unable to satisfy him sexually and this can possibly explain his behaviour. Do you think I have some guilt in the situation, Mirror? He calls me ungrateful all the time and tells me he took care care of me very well.; April 15, 2015 at 7:07 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Chleo,
"Do you think I have some guilt in the situation, Mirror? He calls me ungrateful all the time and tells me he took care care of me very well."

Guilty of what - being ill? That's ridiculous and if he's attempted to guilt you for that, then he sounds extremely immature.

Quite frankly, he sounds immature to me regardless. Those little stunts with other women were most likely intended for you to see, to make you jealous. His goofy behavior, him talking you down in front of others - it's very immature and makes HIM look very insecure.

Only people who feel really bad about THEMSELVES go through the trouble of attempting to shame or humiliate OTHERS. That's how they transfer their "stuff" onto others, making it someone else's problem or blaming another - instead of facing it themselves.

There's no reason to lay blame - sometimes things just simply don't work out for a variety of reasons, none of which are really anyone's fault but rather simply "what is."

He came to see you because his communication attempts went unanswered. And I also suspect that his OWN guilt also brought him out of the shadows. Because when he was attempting to rectify in his mind why you weren't responding, it made him reflect on his OWN actions. . .and ultimately, he most likely realized he was ignorant, which then catapulted him into taking action - and seeking you out.

However, coming to see you may have only been to make HIMSELF feel better and to relieve his OWN guilt. So I'm actually glad you didn't provide that for him and instead, refused his request to take you home.

He needs to suffer some consequences for his actions, and he also needs to reflect on his own behavior and how it affects others and how it ultimately affects him and his relationships. Those are actually good things that help people grow.

So my suggestion is - leave him to himself, it's time for him to "grow" up. And you focus on yourself and forget about him because YOU are what's truly important :-); April 15, 2015 at 8:44 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello MOA, t'is #LondonBaybeh (To send or not send ex goodbye letter)

Just wanted to thank you so much for breaking down the significance of a goodbye letter, and really letting me see how bad it looks (God I don't know what I was thinkin) because reading my letter back on this site, I was cringing with every word, I now agree with my girlfriends too, I sounded like a lost and sad puppy LOL).

Anyway I have deleted this sad letter from my notes, I am now preparing for my graduation in june and going to Ibiza in july, and the timing could not be more perfect these are the perfect thins to help me forget about this break up and just enjoy my life, so shall be focusing on these things from now on, and hopefully in a couple months from now I will not be thinking about the break up.

So thank you once again MOA for opening my eyes, and I shall keep reading th blog and learning as I grow, (will probably be perfectly versed in all your teaching by the time I turn 23 Loool).

~LondonBaybeh; April 15, 2015 at 7:40 PM
Chleo said...: Hi again Mirror

Just wanted to say thank you for your answer. My roommate is telling me to call the police next time he appears or a restraining order or something like that, although I think that is exaggerated. He always tried to blame me for most of the things that went wrong in the relationship, and he took no responsibility whatsoever. When I discovered he was with another woman, he was already planning on having children with her ( I can't have children due to health issues and apparently, he never minded about that, so it was a huge blow at that time). When you refereed he took women home to make me jealous and based on what your response was also to LondonBaybeh, ( that her ex didn't recognized her on purpose), I started thinking on something: do men do all that consciously or unconsciously to elicit a response or to make us suffer? I noticed that with this individual, the minute I said I didn't liked someone in particular ( it happened with men and women alike, but it was more common with women), he didn't stopped talking about the person or praising the person. My father did the same thing with my mother. Is this a common behavior with men, or are these just isolated cases?

Thank you so much for everything Mirror :); April 16, 2015 at 1:44 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Chleo,
"do men do all that consciously or unconsciously to elicit a response or to make us suffer?"

It depends on the man. There are some men who unconsciously perform these actions and aren't aware of their own behavior. And then you also have individuals who, for whatever reason, behave downright misogynistic (hates, dislikes or is prejudiced against women) or even sadistic (deriving pleasure from inflicting pain, suffering, or humiliation on others) in nature.

"I noticed that with this individual, the minute I said I didn't liked someone in particular ( it happened with men and women alike, but it was more common with women), he didn't stopped talking about the person or praising the person. My father did the same thing with my mother. Is this a common behavior with men, or are these just isolated cases?"

They're isolated cases - not all men treat women in that manner.

However, I will say that nowadays, this is becoming rather common sadly enough. Sometimes there are men who are incredibly insecure about themselves (feel like failures) and when it's severe, the individual can become resentful of anything or anyone that they deem "better" in some way. And when they start to view someone or something as "superior" to them in some way, they then launch an attack on the "superior" being in their eyes (to lower them, their value and their perceived "superiority") - and this usually involves abuse of some sort and can become quite cruel.

And the abuse can take many forms. It can be physical, it can be emotional, it can be verbal - or it can be all of the above. Bullying, verbal insults, public degradation or humiliation, hair pulling, arm grabbing, pushing and shoving. . .all are forms of those three types of abuse.

It's a psychological tactic to "lower" someones perceived value (someone the individual secretly perceives as "better" or "superior" in some way).

And it's one of the main reason why "players" and "PUAs" or pick up artists use what they've termed "negs." Negs, as referenced in the land of cheesy pick up artists, are basically insults - "neg"ative comments. And men in the PUA community are taught to use them - regularly.

Why?

Because if a guy perceives a girl an 8 on his scale of 1 to 10. . .and he perceives himself to be a 5 or 6 - then in his eyes, this girl is "better" than or "superior" to him. So then he thinks, "How is a guy like me, a 5, gonna' score a girl like that who's a hot 8?"

And the way to do that is. . .to bring her down to your level (knock her confidence down so she doesn't realize she deserves better than him). And the way to knock someone's confidence down is to insult them, belittle them, make them appear foolish in front of others, publicly embarrass them, hit them, push them, call them names, make them feel "shame," bully them, pick on them. . .and just basically knock the shit out of them verbally over and over again - until they start to FEEL about THEMSELVES the way the individual MAKES them feel.

And then once you have the person "down" (lowered and feeling just as crappy about themselves as the individual does) - voila! The guy who is a 5 now actually has a REAL chance at not only DATING a woman who's a 8 - but actually convincing her to STAY with him - because he has her thinking she can't do any better and feeling like crap about herself, just like he does. . .thereby suddenly making her an "equal" to him.

Hence the old saying, "Never let them get you down."

Cont. . .; April 16, 2015 at 5:49 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Cause once they do, they've got the upper hand. Once you're down on the ground wailing around in the mud with people like that at their level, it's really hard to build your confidence back up again so you can get the hell outta' there and away from them.

Which is why I personally have a ZERO tolerance for any BS or "stuff" that ANYONE, man or woman, tries to project onto me and lay on my shoulders as my own.

Trust me. When someone starts to bully you or pick on you or just constantly grind you into the ground by being critical and pointing out faults all the time - have a big ole' laugh inside. Why? Cause everything they're accusing YOU of, is EXACTLY what THEY themselves actually need to WORK on.

Everything they see as a fault in YOU, is actually a fault of their OWN (that they're attempting to project onto you because they're insecure and threatened for whatever reason so they "attack" you.)

Everything they hate about you or accuse you of, is actually everything they hate about THEMSELVES and are GUILTY of. Clinically, it's called "projecting."

Do not - and I repeat - do NOT ever, not even for a moment, listen to, tolerate or accept that type of treatment from anyone - man or woman. Because if you do, they'll cut you down to THEIR size and before you know it. . .you'll be stuck down in the mud with them.

And when this behavior is repetitive and playing out over and over and over again - it's abuse. Plain and simple. It's verbal and emotional abuse being dished out by an extremely insecure individual who feels like crap about THEMSELVES.; April 16, 2015 at 5:50 PM
Fire&Water said...: Oh, bravo, Mirror!!!! This comment should be printed out and passed around to everyone who has ever been bullied.; April 17, 2015 at 12:07 PM
Chleo said...: Hello again Mirror

Thank you for your answer. It really enlightened things to me. Whenever this man tries to talk to me, send me messages or when he went to meet me at my job, I feel very humiliated. He took advantage of my financial dependance on him ( I couldn't work due to health issues), on the time when I still had to live with him, he used to bring female friends to the house and had sex with them in front of me and so on. I know you mentioned somewhere on this blog that we shouldn't block or remove their contacts because then, they would know they stroke a chord with us, but I feel very tempted to do that. I had moved on with my life but the minute he appeared on my job , I am feeling depressed and bullied. Do you think I should completely remove him?

Thank you for everything Mirror and keep up with the good work :); April 19, 2015 at 4:59 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Chleo,
"Do you think I should completely remove him?"

Well, you have to think of what's best for YOU, and in your particular case, this is causing you pain and as a result, it appears that what's best for you would be to remove him. Don't worry about what he thinks - worry about YOURSELF here and what would be best for you and bring you the most peace :-); April 20, 2015 at 4:52 PM
Anonymous said...: hi mirror.. m a 27 yrs old capricorn who is confused about this 27 yrs old scorpio guy. we both were classmates in college this past two years. n he had asked me out a lot of times in the past two years but i never responded positively ..was always confused nand he seemed like he was smitten with me because half of the times he asked me out he just blurted it out to me as if he wasnt planning to but couldnt help himself. so once i said yes after a lot of thinking but he ditched me without leaving any message about his whereabouts. i dint respond and he again messaged me about a month after that. but theni was still not much interested. this was about december 2013 n then around december 2014, full year after those ask outs.. i started to feel somethng about me. he had obce again asked me out in september 2014. but this year in january i texted him cz he had stopped even saying hi to me when we would pass each other on campus. so i just wanted our friemdship back. but still i had started developing feeli gs for him so one of my best friends asked him to ask me out for dinner and i wasnt aware of this and came to know of this later. then he asked me out after a week n i said yes. but again he ditched me without any reason n didnt even inform me tbat he was cancelling the dinner. i kindf disappeared on me except that ours is a residential campus and we were classmates so completely disappearing from sight is not an option. so he tried to be normal with me but i gavehim a cold shoulder n stopped talkingto him entirely. there were a few eye contacts here n there.i knew he still noticnoticed me but he wud know the same about me. then when our college was about to end in a week he came up to me and apologized, the reason was that his best friend n roomie, who is a verh close frnd of mine, likez me and so he kindf didnt want to backstab his friend even though he also likes me. so i said there's no point discussing this now as after a week college would be over and we would be miles away at our own places. but he said he wants to still keep talking to me n later that night we chatted for hours and he said he ll come and visit me every month whenever i call him. so after that we went for a date before college ended and in a slight inebrjated condition we made out on the first date , i know that was a mistake but the build up of attraction betweem was too long (two years) amd we were going to be miles away after a week. so after college emded we kept on talking amd planned to. visit each other. heseemed serious about me as in had told his mom abouy me and was asking me abbout my views on marriage eetc. in our country we are at the age of getting married. so i planned a trip to his city n he was excited as well had planned for me to meet his best buddies from long time and other stuff. but when i went to meet him i was in a bad mood cz of something n didnt show the excitement of meeting hime, didnt even greet him properly when we met. sat at a distance from him, my behaviour would have seemed very aloof and distamt to him. then i got drunk and rather than talking about us i was talking gibberish. he seemed pissed but still put up with me through the night. after that night he completely disappeared on me. wouldnt even reply to my messages. i think he didnt even read my apology. this was on 10th of april.. 10 days ago. then this saturday i texted him that he's a jerk n coward to disappear like this without a last communication. shame on you n cant believe that i was talking to him seriously allthis while. still no reply. what do i do now. please help. i really want him back bcz he has been so good to me when i went to see him n i behaved like an irresponsible jerk.please help; April 22, 2015 at 6:37 AM
Ska said...: I have been dating this guy for 3 months he said he wasn't ready for a relationship...I asked could he just at least focus on me and get off of tinder he said yes and was off for 3 days yesterday he got back on I told him about it..he said he can't give me what I want he's not ready for a relationship or a commitment...he's a good guy who has been hurt a lot...he says I'm a great woman he likes being around me and going out and how I treat him good but he's not ready..so yesterday I text so I guess this is end we text all day he didn't respond to all text but most I called he didn't answer...he text me back last night and call I didn't answer...I send him a long text @11:59 basically stated I'm hurt I don't know what we are doing but I'm here for you if you need me etc...he text me back this morning ..good morning..he really appreciate it and that I don't know how much it mean and that he will always be here for me...I haven't respond should I start the no contact rule...or is it just over...help mirror!; April 22, 2015 at 10:31 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @27 Year Old Capricorn,
"what do i do now"

Well, unfortunately there's nothing that you can do. You sent an apology and he didn't respond, that's the best you can do in this situation and you've already done that.

It's possible that once this has all blown over and he's ready to talk that he may reach out as he's done in the past - but I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for that. Instead, I'd give him plenty of space, plenty of room to breath, and I'd let some time pass to see if it heals the situation and if he decides to reach out.

If you attempt to contact him again and he hasn't had time to process how he feels about what's happened, he may distance himself even further as a result, so I wouldn't suggest that. Instead, I'd suggest focusing on yourself, forgiving yourself for the mistake, and not beating yourself up over it. As I stated previously, I also wouldn't hold my breath waiting for him to make contact - I'd continue dating, socializing and attempting to meet others in the meantime, placing this experience in your past and only taking the valuable lesson learned from it, the important part that really matters, with you into your future - and leaving the rest behind you :-); April 22, 2015 at 4:06 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Ska,
"should I start the no contact rule...or is it just over"

The choice to use NC is yours, however, in this case, I'd suggest that if you do decide to use it - don't use it to attempt to win him back. Use it to help distance yourself and your emotions from him so as to protect yourself from getting hurt any further.

Because the thing is - he's already been very clear and told you that "he wasn't ready for a relationship. . .he said he can't give me what I want he's not ready for a relationship or a commitment." So you need to understand and accept that if he does return. . .it won't be for a relationship. Most likely, it'll only be to "hang out" together some more. And if it's a relationship that you seek, and you don't think you'd be able to only casually date him, then I would not suggest dating him any further regardless of whether he comes back or not.

Because if you do, and your emotions become "tied" to him, all that will do is keep you focused on him, a man who doesn't want a relationship, and you may end up missing other opportunities with other men who want the same as you do - a relationship.

So if he does end up contacting you again, If I were you I'd just give some thought as to whether or not you think casually dating him would hinder you from finding what it is that you truly want, and also bring you more pain. Because it's clear that he doesn't want a relationship and that he enjoys casually dating, which is why he's most likely returned to the dating site unfortunately.; April 22, 2015 at 4:17 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA,

My ex broke up with me recently and I did everything I shouldn't do regarding maintaining contact. I sent three emails all of which he responded to with somewhat of the same themes and ending with an apology.

In my third email, I mentioned he didnt need to respond and those were just my final thoughts and I shouldn't even be sending. He responded anyways and clarified what he thinks are misconceptions I have about what he thought about the relationship and also explaining that anytime he has picked a relationship potential over career, the relationship has never worked and his career has suffered. Basically I am casualty of his past experiences as he is picking a career and moving away. I didn't respond and it's been two days since my third email so 2 days of no contact on my part. After 12 hours, he sent another email saying:

I just want to say that this sucks, miss you & doesn't feel good. I am very very sorry for hurting you. I hope you are OK and work is going well.

What are your thoughts on this? I've decided it really doesn't warrant a response so I am just trying to move on with my life.; April 23, 2015 at 1:17 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,
I was dating this guy for about a month. I have known him for about 1.5 years. We met on a dating site but after a few dates he faded out as I got the impression he wasn't looking for a relationship (he proposed hooking up once so I know he was attracted). Then he randomly got in touch again after some months and I made it clear he should just ask me out and that I wasn't interested in endless texting with him (I ignored a few of his texts, he got the message).

We went out about 4 times and each time was great except the last one where I ended up getting a bit sick with drinking too much and he took care of me, staying over. We also hooked up that night. Then a week later he says we should just be friends because he's been hurt in the past by a relationship, etc. etc. (coincidentally, I found out that his ex was very similar to me in looks/career etc it was quite shocking really).

Now we have been NC for almost 30 days. He had sent the last text but I didn't want to have a marathon text conversation so I hadn't responded. I was a bit angry that a) he didn't have the guts to call or see me in person to end it b) he did it right after our first kiss/hook up. In a way I think he's showing some respect by not leading me on and then calling it quits.

Do you think I should totally move on from this? I'm just wondering why he doesn't think its worth pursuing something with me....is it really the case that sometimes guys just don't want a relationship, no matter with who? It just sucks because I think if we had met before his hurtful relationship, things would have been good but now he seems scarred...so yes my question is is there any hope at all do you think or should I not even think about entertaining his contact is he ever makes one?; April 23, 2015 at 3:15 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 23, 1:17 PM,
"What are your thoughts on this? I've decided it really doesn't warrant a response so I am just trying to move on with my life."

I agree, that communication really doesn't warrant a response and given the situation, it might be best to leave things be and give some space to the situation for the time being until emotions level on both sides. I think the best you can do here is stay in NC, don't respond to any messages he may send along here for at least a month - and then check back in with yourself 30 days from now and see where you're at on this - and see if maybe he's missed you enough for him to possibly have changed his mind. Although I will say, it's not wise to hold your breath on that, so as you stated, do your best to move on in the meantime and give this some time to level out.; April 23, 2015 at 6:12 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 23, 3:15 PM,
"Do you think I should totally move on from this? I'm just wondering why he doesn't think its worth pursuing something with me"

It's not that he doesn't want something with you - it's that he doesn't want a relationship. . .with ANYONE:

"he says we should just be friends because he's been hurt in the past by a relationship"

That's code for "I don't want a relationship - at all." And his behavior is in line with that. He faded away after the first 1.5 months, resurfaced for another 4 dates (probably close to another month or so), and then came right out and stated he wasn't looking for anything more - and faded out again.

That's the behavior of someone who likes to spend time with women - but doesn't spend any real significant length of time with them - because he doesn't want a relationship and he knows that if you stick around, you end up in one - so he doesn't stick around. Instead, he floats in and out, and bails right before things could possibly lead to "more" by way of emotions, attachment, etc.

"is it really the case that sometimes guys just don't want a relationship, no matter with who?"

Absolutely - and it's the case with many women too, not just men. Not everyone finds relationships fulfilling and enjoyable. Many folks find their freedom and independence and protecting themselves by not being in one much more enjoyable and comfortable for them. When you're in a relationship, you have to think about another, you have to answer to them, you have to make concessions for them, you have to make them a priority, you have to make time for them - all of those things are SACRIFICES. And for many people, sacrificing all of that is simply not comfortable or enjoyable for them.

"is there any hope at all do you think or should I not even think about entertaining his contact is he ever makes one?"

Well here's the thing - he'll probably circle back around, but when he does, you need to realize that it won't be for a relationship. Most likely, it'll only be to hang out for a bit more before he takes off into his independent lifestyle once again.

When someone tells you they don't want a relationship - believe them. Don't fool yourself into thinking things will change because most times, they don't. And regardless of their reasons for choosing that lifestyle for themselves - it's their choice, bottom line. And nothing and no one is going to change that until the individual themselves WANTS it to change, ya' know?

If you want a relationship and casually dating this man might hurt you - then don't bother doing it, you'll drive yourself mad trying to change his mind and then you'll end up feeling bad about yourself. But if you think you can casually date him and hang out from time to time without getting emotionally tied to him, and you still entertain dating other men (casually, no sex) at the same time (meaning, you're still actively seeking a relationship while casually dating him), then it's probably safe to stay involved.; April 23, 2015 at 6:24 PM
Ska said...: @mirror Thank you so much...I was secretly hoping he miss me and come back..but I don't really think that will happy..I beat myself up wondering if I would have waited longer than a month to have sex like I normally do things would have been different...then I wonder if me having to kiss and him having none make a difference...he wasn't like the usual guy that you can tell is just looking for sex...That's why it was so hard to read him and I called it off....he would open up to me....he was changed things when I told him how I felt...but I think he still value other options and couldn't go anywhere because of what they may say..I'm not sure I am a over thinker...and I probably came off clingy as well when I think about it but at 3 months I think it should have been exclusive dating at least...do you think I should get my things from his house maybe have him meet me...or just leave it...he come back in town Tuesday he left Thursday morning....; April 24, 2015 at 10:48 PM
Ska said...: @Mirror this is the last text I send him along with his response..Cambear I don't know if you will respond to my texts that I send you earlier maybe maybe not but I wanted to let you know even though I am hurt I still have your back if you need help or anything I'm a call away and that you can come to me and be open about whatever you wants to say without being judged. I'm still here for you despite what ever we are doing (i don't even know)I guess you see my down side is not really that bad(just texting and calling a lot it could be worse I could show up at your job)but I respect you too much to say or do anything out of character all I ever wanted was to show you what a great woman does appreciate and like everything about you even the burping,snoring,etc(-.-) I know you wasn't perfect you had flaws but everyone does.. someone will always be better or worse but I never judge you because I was willing for you to be my perfect even with your imperfection and I was hoping the same in return..i just can't believe our connection was so strong and yet you were fighting it that is so weird to me..I hope
you have a safe trip to and from New York...have fun and maybe a little extra for me since I never been I know you have been hurt before so hopefully you want count this crazy day against me(everyone is allowed one).I reread all our text and to me it seems we really care about each other I think we should have saw where it went I mean read the text the things I did for you the things you did for me the things we did together..how we made each other feel..honestly I think we should have try our connection and feeling were really strong you express you like the way I treated you..i like the way you treated me when we were together..what did you really have to lose..anywho i hope you know that I have really really tried to be there for you and wanted to show and do so many things with and for you but you just kept pushing and pushing me away..anyway I have to go now...bye
Love Doc Babe,
Good morning doc I really appreciate that you have no idea and same for me I'll always be here for you(his response) I know he dated a girl with a kid and it was bad 3 years but he always told me we were so different and it seems I would be better we were like night and day...I guess he made it so cloudy I couldn't read if he was serious about me are not..but I know he was dating other girls but nothing was working but he claim we connected..I didn't want to be in the box if nothing doesn't work I have her so I left....if anything I hope one day he at least think about what I was willing to offer y...its been 3days since I text or talk and I'm doing okay..just still wondering just a little if the sex was to early....and he hasn't call or tex in 2days...but I'm pretty sure I want hear from him...and if I do I would be totally shocked.....I have a date this weekend but I'm not sure if it's too soon but I'm off the website no longer do I want to do web dating it was the first and last ...I saw it in steve Harvey and gave it a try...by the way if he does reach out should I respond or ignore it....because I know if it will just be like it was I don't want it...; April 24, 2015 at 11:05 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Ska,
"by the way if he does reach out should I respond or ignore it....because I know if it will just be like it was I don't want it"

Well, I'll provide the same answer to that question that I provided in my previous response:

"So if he does end up contacting you again, If I were you I'd just give some thought as to whether or not you think casually dating him would hinder you from finding what it is that you truly want, and also bring you more pain. Because it's clear that he doesn't want a relationship and that he enjoys casually dating, which is why he's most likely returned to the dating site unfortunately."

"do you think I should get my things from his house maybe have him meet me...or just leave it"

That's up to you, it's a personal decision. If those things are valuable to you, then you can request that he leave them out for you somewhere at his home (maybe on a back porch or something), and you'll stop by to pick them up. If the items are of no value to you, then it's probably not worth doing so or putting yourself through that, ya' know?; April 25, 2015 at 10:28 AM
Ska said...: @Mirror Thank you so much, I really appreciate you taking your time to respond!! I think I will leave the items..it was only body gel,lotion,perfume in a basket..a travel chair and my sam's card which is free to replace...thank you again I am so glad I found your blog...even though I haven't let go each day I get comfort knowing I did the right thing by walking away and not losing any more of my respect!; April 25, 2015 at 11:47 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello, again MOA: It's Claire. First, I have to say, THANK-YOU for this site! I want to let you know how very much it has helped me. I began No Contact with a man I was involved with for almost 3 years on and off, until he started 'seeing' someone else. It's been almost one month. It was very hard at first, because we used to talk on a daily basis, saw each other during the week, on weekends; I thought we were really connected, which is why it devastated me when he started up with someone else. He really misrepresented what was going on, too. However, all that aside.. I am feeling so much better, finally!

Now he's starting up again, texting, calling, asking me out! I am not responding to his texts or to his calls. I let them go to voicemail.

In his case, MOA, I've been through this with him a couple of times, so there is no way I can ever let it happen again, but it really does prove your point that men want what they can't have, and that they will miss you given enough time.

I wish I could just be his friend, but it's doubtful that I could make that switch emotionally. What are your thoughts on trying to be 'friends' with someone you were once involved with? thank-you; April 26, 2015 at 10:15 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Claire,
"What are your thoughts on trying to be 'friends' with someone you were once involved with?"

Generally speaking, I believe it rarely works out. One party always secretly wants more most times, and the situation calls for healthy maturity. If one party wants "more" they'll push for it in subtle ways that may make the other feel obligated to them. Or if one party lacks the maturity needed, veiled insults may be launched. If secret expectations aren't met, one party may end up being hurt. And there can be breakdowns in communication as a result of the differences in the way each party is approaching the situation.

There are a multitude of things that can go wrong. That doesn't mean they will - if both parties are mature, have accepted the reality and posses no expectations, then it can be done. But if that isn't the case, it's usually just a matter of time before someone gets hurt, things are misunderstood - and painful words are spoken.; April 27, 2015 at 8:27 AM
Fire&Water said...: In case this is of interest to any or all, I've posted a couple questions here (I think I've kept them all in this thread lol - 2/20/15 and 4/8/15) about a potential friend/ more than friend who developed very bad habits after I began initiating things with him. Quick synopsis: we were attracted, we got talking a LOT, and then he began not replying to messages, cancelling meets last minute and eventually proposed a FWB situation. All that went down when I was doing things the "nice girl"/considerate of him/ communicate often way (i.e., the non-MOA way)
I wanted to share this update: following my Apr 8 post, I cancelled our weekend meeting, left it up to him to set a new date. He was supposed to let me know and never did. Following the MOA way, I did nothing about it - no text, no call, not interested, don't care, whatever. Didn't hear from him for 17 days. Then he texts. He was sick (boohoo..it was a sinus infection. I don't know about you gals, but I can not count the number of sinus infections I have had that prevent me from using my phone. I mean, seriously, they're just devastating ;)) Anyway, he's sorry and wants to talk. I answered (eventually...like, eight hours later. - and as an explanation, we're not really dating (yet?), so I have given him a little more leeway than MOA advocates. My guess is that she would say I shouldn't have answered 'til the next day or a 2nd try??)). I answered because he said he wanted to talk. He wanted to talk that day (Mon). I said no I was busy, but he could call on Wed. He texts back in minutes (literally 20 minutes - from the man who wouldn't answer for 2-3 days!) that Weds is good and he wants to meet on the wknd if I can. I don't answer 'til the next day (Tue) - "not sure of my wknd plans, but what does he have in mind". Again, a response within an hour (fast for him) - "he wants to talk, whatever I have time for" and within seconds "do you have time to talk tonight?". Nope. I have time on Wed, as I sd previously. But I didn't text that...didn't text anything :). Wed I hear nothing from him. I don't text, don't call. (Wed was his b-day, so he probably expected to hear from me). Thurs morning I get "have time to talk today?". 6 hours later I answer " Try me when I get out of work at...". Much to my surprise, he actually manages to call - and at a decent hour! He sets up a meeting for Sun ( I told him I was booked for Sat since we were past 3 days in advance). He decides on the time, and best of all, he plans to come to me. (Good boy!) (MOA - is there a recommended brand of Bigfoot treats? :)). Equally surprising, he texts Sat to confirm that he is coming AND actually shows up on Sun. D**n. Now, I am aware that this whole meeting was about something HE wants (he wanted to talk about logistics for a new area of his business) and that it probably doesn't have much to do with our relationship, but 1) it proves men do go after what they want (how many times has MOA said that?) and 2) when I follow MOA's way - keeping cool, minimal contact, dumping responsibility back in his lap, being carefree & non-emotional and acting like you don't give three shakes whether he does or doesn't - he has managed to treat me WAY better than anything he did when I was doing things the non-MOA way. So, Mirror, points for you - you are right on, yet again! :)
Needless to say, it's The MOA-way for me from now on - it works! And like many of you, I drop by here daily or nearly so for my dose of inspiration & guidance...so thanks to all & esp to Mirror!; May 3, 2015 at 3:10 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello MOA, I would really like some advice here. So I started seeing this guy about a month and a half ago. Everything started off really well. He called me when he said he would and kept in frequent contact with me and asked me out. The only thing is that I was the one doing the planning for the actual dates, which he said he didn't mind because he wasn't good at planning. But before all of this, he asked me if I wanted to go to his place for dinner after the second date, and I was uncomfortable because I felt it was too soon, so I suggested we do something else, which we did, but during the second date he asked why I didn't want to come over and I asked what he had planned, and he said dinner and a walk, but I suspected otherwise. I just said that sounded nice, but it could also lead to other things. So, in the car that night (around midnight cause we were out late at a gig) he asked if I wanted to come over, and I said no. If, I wanted casual sex, I would go to the nearest bar and I told him to drive me home, which he did in silence. I told him it was nice meeting him, and I didn't contact him at all for about 4 days. I was so angry that he wanted sex right away. But he did tell me that he wasn't looking for anything serious because he just got out of a marriage, and he is moving away to go to school. Then he told me that he actually never should of told me that because I immediately shut down. So, I did contact after the four days and told him that I wasn't interested in casual sex, I wanted a relationship and to get to know him better. So, from then on, he was on his best behaviour and he cooked for me, and paid for dates. We were having a good time. He later on told me that he is looking for a girlfriend, and I thought we were getting more serious. We were intimate (but no sex) and he asked me to go shopping with him, and how he wants to take me camping and fishing. I did express my fears about bears though, but said I would be willing to go. After about a month, I baked him cookies (rewarding his good behaviour). But he did sulkily say about 3 times why I haven't cooked for him. Later on, told him that I had strong feelings for him and I asked him how he felt about me, which I now know was wrong, he said that his actions should tell me how I feel about him, and he said that he is very screwed up because of what happened to him in his last relationship where he was betrayed and he does not trust women, and his guard is up.He also said that he's a very good catch. So then I told him, my guard has gone sky high now, and he told me not to put it up at all. He has also said in the past: Am I trying to change him, just because I suggested he read a book of mine, and: Am I trying to intimidate him, just because I said that he should buy more shirts that he intended to before we got to the store. I was surprised by this because I didn't mean it that way at all. He is also a very quiet person which had been bothering me a bit. So after that weekend, I called him to ask him to meet up with me, but he didn't reply until the next morning (Monday) and he always returns my calls right away. He said that he had his phone in his bedroom all day and cancelled plans going out of town, and didn't see my missed call until the morning, after I asked if I called him at a bad time. (At first, I didn't think anything of it cause he said he was going out of town on the Sunday, which is the night I called him.) Cont...; May 4, 2015 at 12:49 AM
Anonymous said...: After dinner, I paid. I felt like he was waiting for me to pay, but I really didn't mind. We usually hang out, but he drove me straight home, so I got insecure and said: Oh, you want me to go home. And he said: Don't say that. Anyways, we talked about camping and asked when he was taking me and he said that I didn't sound too interested before, and I said, no, I love camping. We should go May long, and he said for the past few years he's goes on this kayaking trip. So I said, would you just want to go camping with me, and he said: As long as he isn't the one making all the compromises. I think this is coming from his past relationship. And I tried a make a joke about compromises being a bad word or something similar. We agreed to meet up on Saturday, but haven't heard from him since. Not a peep. It will be a week, tomorrow, since we have talked. I haven't contacted him either. He also still talks about moving away for school, which fuels my insecurity and worries.

So, I know I have done more than a few things wrong here. Is this guy serious about me or not? Or does he not know what he wants? I know I shouldn't contact him, and I won't, but what should I say if he does?; May 4, 2015 at 12:52 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Fire and Water.
I know as humans we have a tendency to want to do what feels "right" all the time (i.e. be nice, smile a lot, be considerate, etc.) but these days - many times, that will only get you "taken for granted" by someone (sad, I know).

However, if you are willing to change YOUR behavior and step outside of your comfort zone to realize your value and then adjust your behavior accordingly as if "you're worth it" and challenge someone else to put a little bit of time and effort into the situation. . .isn't it amazing how a whole new world just opens up from that ;-); May 4, 2015 at 10:39 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 4, 12:49 AM,
"Is this guy serious about me or not? Or does he not know what he wants? I know I shouldn't contact him, and I won't, but what should I say if he does?"

There's no real way of knowing this yet because it's too early to tell. And the biggest indicator of a man's interest is if he contacts you regularly. However, based on your comment it appears that you're doing a lot of that work for him and as a result it's leaving you confused and without a way to tell where you stand with him.

If you'd like to know where you stand with him, then my suggestion would be to step down from the lead role here (initiator, leader) and instead, assume the feminine role (submissive) to give him the opportunity to contact you and take the lead. . .because that's what's going to help you determine where you stand with him.; May 4, 2015 at 5:17 PM
Chleo said...: Hello Mirror and Ladies

I just came by to say thank you. I had a very occupied month and I only got the opportunity to do so now. Looking at your blog Mirror and reading other women's stories on it, I have the idea I made a big mistake trying to make this relationship work, no matter what. It got very one-sided and I started to be taken for granted. I endured many humiliations that I shouldn't had endured, and I should had walked out a long time ago. Since I didn't, my self-esteem got shattered. But, yes, we are always learning. This is mostly to say that, unlike what I thought before this relationship reached its end, we shouldn't have to endure everything, we shouldn't be the only ones to try everything to make a relationship work, and the moment we don't agree with something, even after our discomfort is visible, if our partner persists on it, I don't see the point in a relationship. Sorry for writing these things here, but this last months (year) made me go through things which I never had before in my life, and I also, got the feeling that despite being a young woman, I knew nothing about men.
But either way, thank you again Mirror and I will keep checking out your blog.; May 5, 2015 at 10:39 AM
Fire&Water said...: @Mirror May 4 @10:39AM
OMG Amen! It's funny - I've experienced this in other areas of life - that people value what they work hard for and that they place little value on what they get for free. But it never hit home to me that being too nice and too available and trying too hard to make it easy for a guy in a relationship was akin to giving him myself, my time and part of my life for free. And that to be valued, I needed to act like someone of value, not someone who is free to a good home :). I think fairy tales came up in the blog comments at one point. Sleeping Beauty was always my favorite and it occurred to me that Aurora didn't just walk into Philip's castle and say "Take me, you hottie". He had to break out of a dungeon, slay a dragon and cut through a wall of thorns to get to kiss her ;) Since there aren't many Malificents running around casting curses these days, we have to remember to put up our own wall of thorns and see if Prince Potential goes for his weed whacker, or turns tail and hops back into his frog pond. (My apologies to any lurking Grammar Nazis for that hopelessly mixed (tangled) metaphor.)

An additional benefit to this is that investing myself less lets me not get so wrapped up in what the end result is. I feel calmer and steadier because I'm keeping space for ME, and if it doesn't work out, that's fine because I haven't committed so much to the potential of a relationship. I feel like I can think clearly..and really be the coach here, not just a player trying to figure out if my so-called teammate is really on my side or going to skunk me when I'm not looking. It's a totally different mindset, and I know I'm going to need to keep practicing (poor A, lol...he has no idea he's my guinea pig), but it's worth the work. It feels SO much better! :); May 5, 2015 at 6:21 PM
Ska said...: @Mirror...Hello! It have been 2 weeks and I'm in and out of my feelings about how I feel but at the end of the day I'm good and have big opportunities coming up...I'm sill at the point I want my stuff should I reach out and get it or count it as a lost...I'm over what if...just on the healing stage but knowing that I walked away regardless of how I became attached but knowing my worth and detached myself get me though it..just at the end of the day..I would still want him to miss me one day not come back but miss me....that's with any of my relationship ..friends..ex..neighbors..I always I guess wanted to know that they knew I was good/great and think about me..she was a good friend..she was a good neighbor...is that wrong..anyways I want my stuff..how should I go about getting it...thank you!!; May 6, 2015 at 7:58 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Ska,
"anyways I want my stuff..how should I go about getting it"

I answered this when previously asked in an earlier comment of yours:

"If those things are valuable to you, then you can request that he leave them out for you somewhere at his home (maybe on a back porch or something), and you'll stop by to pick them up"; May 7, 2015 at 2:32 PM
Fire&Water said...: Quickie update on A...
After our get together, I was not expecting to hear from him for awhile, hypothesizing via my MOA-training that since we had gotten "close" (not physically, but getting together was a step forward in our interaction), he would want and take some space. However, he texted within 4 days "how are you" (btw, this is his version of a "hey" text...he doesn't really care how I am). Even though it is a lame text, I am somewhat surprised/impressed by how soon it arrived, so I answer the next day (mirroring him ;) ) "How are you today". He writes back in minutes "Fantastic. You?" Again, somewhat lame, but I am now somewhat impressed again at the rapidity or the response (I may be too easily impressed. Note to self). So, I begin thinking 'cut the guy a break, answer him quickly'. I respond "Glad to hear it. So am I" in 15 minutes. And is this a prelude to a conversation? Nope. I get crickets. Translation? Power play, I think. Grrrrr, And I am being too nice again! *headslap*; May 15, 2015 at 1:04 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Everyone,
This is Chloe from January 2015. Thanks to Mirror for the articles, this community, and advice. Thanks to all the contributors for sharing their stories and development. Over the last year and ½ I have spent A LOT of time on this site. After my 15 yr marriage ended, I have been burned a few times reentering the dating pool.

I thought I would give an update & further share my story. For the first time, I got ahead of an impending disaster … from the invaluable lessons learned here!

What I have learned about DM:
One question I see posters asking variations of is “after the no contact will I get the DM back?” What I have learned is they circle back but it’s not what you may be fantasizing about … you have NOT won him back, you will NOT live happily ever after and run off into the sunset together. What you get are lame attempts to stroke their ego, have sex with you, manipulate you, etc.

Now I understand why MOA doesn’t bat an eye when they come back, lol. It’s easy to get caught up again & think ‘oh my fantasy really is happening, I’ve won him back.’ But it IS a fantasy, its never going to happen (at least not long term). In reality the last thing you need is him back … taking you back to square one before he disappears off into the sunset SOLO. Its hard at first, to step outside of it & see he’s trying to play you again. If you still have feelings you want to see & hear from him again. The attention can feel good. But it’s not worth it. Better to go through a bit of short term pain (if you still have feelings) and discipline yourself to say no or continue ignoring him. You will get the long term gain of not getting hurt again, not wasting your time, & feeling good about yourself.

I also find it helpful to remember there are NO relationship success stories with Disappearing Men.

Continued; May 16, 2015 at 8:13 PM
Anonymous said...: Chloe continued...

My experience:
My player will henceforth referred to as Mr Red flag (Mr RF). I had a serious accident in Feb & broke no contact by reaching out to him for help, which he was initially awesome about & totally helped me. However, at the end of it Mr. RF says… ‘oh you are going to have to do some naughty things when I get back.’ Charming I know. I laughed that off but a small part of me inside was like ‘yes, he still wants me.’ Can you believe it?! Should have been more like ‘boo, he still disrespects me’ but anyway that was then.

Lame contact #1 - His friends from Europe are coming in March. He’s having a small party, invites me & any of my friends “who like wealthy European men … either March 6 or 7th.” I said “let me know what date and we’ll see.” Mr RF: “I’ll give you plenty of notice.” I looked like crap after the accident so I freaked out a bit but I was also excited that he invited me & wanted me to meet his friends! By about March 1st I started to realize nothing to worry about. Crickets. MOA was right … this man would always be full of disappointments. He wanted me to chase him. He expected me to ask what was happening with the party, which I did not.

Lame contact #2 – Once he went back to US, he asked me to come visit him. He was begging. I said no. I also said I was not open to starting up sexually again, but was open to baby steps such as dating when he came home for summer in 4 weeks. To which he replied, “Get Serious.” He said it would be hard to wait, but would try. For someone that missed me so much you would think you would hear from him again after that but nope, crickets. 4 weeks also came and went … crickets.

Lame contact #3 – Mid may:
RF: You owe me money
Me: Send me your bank info and I’ll transfer
RF: I had something else in mind
Me: Crickets
RF: Can we arrange that?
Me: Equivocate less, articulate more
RF: Let’s have a night together
Me: Crickets
RF: ????

(Still no reply by me because I was thinking about it long & hard … reading through this site again for wisdom, strength. I initially thought ok a date but no sex. But then I got rational: a spot in his rotation has just come up. He’s going to try to get me back in bed and even if I refrain, how will that make me feel? I’ll be all caught up in him again and then he’ll disappear into the sunset SOLO. That’s it I’m done … you’re not fooling me twice or thrice, lol.)

Me: Thanks but no. We’re not on the same page.
RF: We could be
Me: Get serious ;)
RF: I am
Me: Crickets

That was 2 days ago. So true to his manipulative ways, he thought he could lure me in with ‘paying him back’ not with actual money, but sex! Then he changes direction & wants me to think that maybe this time he wants more than just sex. He has been left hanging, but he’s smart. He realizes I may actually be done. True to his lazy self, he thinks this might actually take some serious work. Screw it, hopefully she’ll do the work for me. Let her come back and say “what do you mean we’re on the same page … you are looking for something more than sex? A relationship? Really? Ok I’ll go out with you.” Actually screw it again, I just found someone else I can get in this rotation. Way easier. Crickets.

Finally I can see it. I’m going to be strong and not going to get sucked back in. Instead I’m going to work on myself and continue to grow.

Hopefully my story helps someone in their journey. XO; May 16, 2015 at 8:22 PM
Anonymous said...: So I need help. I was dating this guy at my college for about 2 months. He's 3 years older than me and he's slept with a lot of girls. Me in the other hand have only slept with 3 which includes him. We both had breakups last year around the same time though I'm over that ex. Both of our previous exes cheated on us. Sparks flew between us over spring break but before hand we were really good friends. We didn't put a boyfriend/girlfriend label on us but he said we were "exclusive". It was kind of like we were together but not together. He never really showed PDA but I figured that's just how he was as a person and I accepted that until on few occasions he kissed me and got very territorial over me. I found this odd because it wasn't like him and he never kissed me in public but would do so if there were a lot of guys around. Before we had our agreement of being together, he told me that he didn't want to string me along or give me hopes of a later future of "fully" being together. He just graduated and is going to Norway for the entire summer. Originally, he told me he most likely wasn't going to come back and that I needed to understand that before agreeing to be with him for the rest of the semester. Of course I agreed and told myself I could handle it. He now tells me and everyone else that he's most likely coming back to GA in August. But even when he comes back, he'll most likely move to Tennessee for a job opportunity but I'm still in school. I thought he really cared about me but I feel otherwise now. A couple of weeks ago, I had this gut feeling to go through his messages and I'm not proud of doing it. I saw in his messages that he was talking to his ex a lot. He was the one who kept reaching out to her which is odd considering he broke up with her. He said in the messages that he wanted to give her and him another chance while he was being/sleeping with me. I was so pissed because a little over a month ago, I saw he was talking to her and I asked him about it. He told me that she hated his guts and didn't want to have anything to do with him and that their conversations were not like that. He told me to not worry. He said that they talk every once in a while to "catch up". Ever since then I've been skeptical about them talking. On the last day that I saw him, I completely cut contact with him. He's texted me a few times and even messaged my sister. He told her he wanted to meet up all the way in New York to give her gifts (one being a gold plated necklace) that he has for me. Should I wait an entire month before I respond to him even when I get the gifts before that time limit is up? Also, I've always been honest with him. I never lied. I haven't told him why I stop talking to him but should I mention what I did and what I found out when I do talk to him next?; May 18, 2015 at 11:55 AM
Fire&Water said...: @Chloe
First, thanks for sharing and congrats on protecting yourself and not getting burned this time! It's amazing how you start to be able to see it clearly when you don't get as emotionally invested, isn't it? And I definitely hear you on getting your hopes up - it's so easy to think "ooh -he's back. This means something!"..and by 'something', you're thinking 'relationship' and he's thinking 'casual sex'. Sigh. BUT, as you say, when you do the work to find that out before you let him in your life, even though it is disappointing you spare yourself much worse pain.
Thanks for the examples - it shows just how little effort these types are willing to expend. Keep staying strong, girl - you are worth SO much more! PS I LOVE "equivocate less, articulate more"! Classy, succint AND memorable. I may need to borrow that, with your permission?; May 18, 2015 at 1:47 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 18, 11:55 AM,
"Should I wait an entire month before I respond to him even when I get the gifts before that time limit is up? Also, I've always been honest with him. I never lied. I haven't told him why I stop talking to him but should I mention what I did and what I found out when I do talk to him next?"

That's up to you, it's a personal decision. But if it were me, I probably wouldn't bother. There's no reason to expend your energy engaging in a confrontation with someone that there's no future with anyhow. He's been a bit manipulative and he's lied and not been honest with you, so the trust is gone. And once that's gone, there's nothing left. So why explain yourself or fight or end up in an argument with someone that there's no future with anyhow ya' know? At that point, it's a waste of your energy and focus.; May 19, 2015 at 8:19 AM
Unknown said...: What a fantastic article. Thank you! I am struggling through NC right now. I was dating a guy for one month. We had amazing chemistry and laughed all the time. He happily pursued me 100% and was totally invested in me. Unfortunately, I was in an abusive relationship in the past. Long story short, on April 26th I picked a silly text message argument with him over some pretty innocent comments he'd made in conversation. He was shocked, apologized like crazy for hurting my feelings, and was just really upset by the whole thing. I see now that I was subconsciously 'testing' him because our relationship seemed too good to be true after what I went through with my ex. The next day I realized that I had been unfair to him and reached out. I sent him a total of 6 texts over the course of that first week (including a sincere apology) but he never responded to any of them. It's now been 24 days of NC from him and 17 days of NC from me (but who's counting?!) I'm just so upset that I let my past mess up what could have been my future. I would like to text him something lighthearted and funny now to break the ice. I'm worried that waiting out 30 days of NC would be too long, given that our relationship was short. I also know that I should let him come to me, but I think I hurt him too much after he had treated me so well. He seems like he's moving on but I just don't want to believe it. Any insight you might have would be so appreciated! xx; May 20, 2015 at 7:18 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Melissa,
"I would like to text him something lighthearted and funny now to break the ice."

I don't think I'd do that - and here's why - "I sent him a total of 6 texts over the course of that first week. . .but he never responded to any of them."

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, yet expecting different results. So don't drive yourself mad here. Instead, do something different and do nothing - and see if he comes to you. Because if you've contacted him six times already and he's not responded, contacting him again is most likely only going to result in the same outcome. . .and the rejection is going to hurt you and create anxiety for you to deal with.

He may pop back into your life months from now, a year from now - who knows. And there's always the chance he may not pop back into it at all. Either way, it's probably best for you to begin to detach from him now, and then give him time and space on his own to see if he eventually misses you or becomes curious about you and reaches out at that time - which, as I've stated, could be beyond a 30 day date range.

If it was meant to be, it will be. And if you do decide to reach out to him again, just brace yourself for the fact that he may not respond again either. If you can accept that and work your way through it, it will help when or if that time comes.; May 20, 2015 at 8:49 AM
Unknown said...: Thanks very much for responding. You're right and I see the logic in everything you said. I will continue on with NC and hope that if it doesn't help bring him back, it will get me over him.; May 20, 2015 at 12:03 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello, MOA and all readers of this post-- so unbelievably helpful! I'm so glad I found this site and this amazingly logical advice. I went into No Contact to get over someone. I took Aphrodite's advice to not give him access to me or to reward him for not treating me well. It's been almost two months now. He's tried calling, texting, emailing, and finally, sending a message through facebook. I have ignored all. I still miss him, we used to talk every day. But I have finally realized I will never have the relationship with him that I want. He held on to me tightly for about three years until he found someone else. he thinks we can be friends. It is not going to happen. I just can't do it, and I do feel like hopefully he will learn something from this as I have learned a good lesson. I know I won't make the same mistakes next time. I will let the man pursue me. No checking in to see how he is. No making plans, no taking last minute dates. I don't regret having the relationship, but I do see where I should have behaved differently.

I know I will be all right, but I would like to share with everyone that no contact is the best way to communicate that you are done. No telling anyone off, or sharing how you felt or feel is necessary. I hope that each day gets easier, but now that I'm so far down this road, I won't let myself slip back.
Thank you Aphrodite!!! Claire; May 23, 2015 at 10:54 PM
Unknown said...: Morning MOA,

Seen some great questions and responses too, you're doing some great work here!

Anyway, here's my situation:-

I have a Taurus female friend who I guessed i've secretly like for as long as I can remember (10 years +). We've both been in long term relationships during that period and as a result, we very hardly saw much of it other, let alone spoke. She's now single and so am I and for the past few months, we've slowly built a friendship together, well I've initiated contact as much as humanly possible and I guess being a Taurean, she has slowly started to reciprocate with opening up a bit more in her texts and face-2-face, she has even invited me over a couple of times. Nothing sexual has taken place but my feelings for this lady that I put aside all those years back have gradually began to resurface and as much as I want to say something to her, I guess a fear of rejection/a fear of losing what I've tried to build her is at the forefront of my thoughts but there's no question about it that 'I'm crazy about this lady'

She has given me no indication that she sees me as anything more than a friend (then again I am quite naive to these things) and I guess that doesn't help either but she has been responsive to my texts 90% of the time and even though I do like her as more than a friend, I have made it to be a friend to her too as in, initiating those texts 99% of the time asking how she is and being very attentive to some of the things she says, bought her a vintage sewing table as I found out she likes to sew and design her own stuff, bought her practical things to take on holiday with her as she's going away to Thailand for a month in July, helped her sell a couple of her belongings as she needs the money for her trip etc etc... Basically, i've tried my utmost best to be a friend, she's not a big talker in general and is a very private person (you know guarded with her thoughts, feelings etc etc) but she has shown appreciation for the little I've done.

As the months have progressed, I do believe that she MUST have some kinda indication how I feel about her but has not once given me a reason to pursue her, she's consistent so even if she felt anything, it would never surface but then again 'who said she had any feelings to begin with?' Lol!

Sorry to rant on but was trying to give you a rough summary of what's taken place so far. With all that's been said, do you really believe the 'No Contact Rule' would work here?! How it works and why it works all makes sense to me and I do believe it's all psychological but is this my only option?!

Kind Regards
Mr Gemini; May 26, 2015 at 1:48 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Mr. Gemini,
I wouldn't use no contact in your situation. I really only advocate using it to get over someone or to detach from someone (who's treating you poorly), and at times, to get someone back if that's the goal. In your case it really doesn't apply.

I know a lot of modern men really don't want to hear this, but I hope you're open to it so I'm going to say it. Women REALLY need and like to know exactly where a man stands with them. It's what gives them the security and confidence to "proceed" with their feelings. If a man is "fuzzy" about where he stands with a woman, she'll have trouble trusting him. (Think about it - it's the #1 reason women initiate interrogation sessions LOL, dig around for information, confront issues, etc. - all of that is done in an effort by the woman to understand exactly where she stands with the man.)

Now having said that, this "being upfront about exactly where you stand" with a woman thing also requires something else from the man - the maturity and steadfastness of being able to hear "no" or "I'm not interested in you like that" as a response, without "reacting" all over the place.

That's the man's role given by nature (leader, initiator), and the woman's role given by nature is that of "submission" as choice. A friend of mine shared a story her father told her when she was just entering her teenage years. He gave her "the talk" about dating and boys and he said to her, "You need to understand your role, your job as a woman. The man's job is to try (lead) - and your job is to not make it easy for him (submit)."

Having said all of that, you can probably see where I'm going with this. As an option, why not consider just asking her on a date, and making it clear that it's a date? Why not just say to her, "Hey, would you like to go on a date with me? I'd like to take you to [fill in the blank]. It's my treat."

And she's either going to say yes or no - and you have your answer. There's no beating around the bush, there's no confusion on either persons part, everything is clear and upfront. And if she says no, or says she just wants to be friends. . .you bounce right back like a pro with "Okay no problem, how about I make this easy then. Would you like to go to [fill in the blank] with me as my friend?"

Because here's the thing. Her gut reaction may be shock, she may be clueless you have any feelings for her, and as a result of that sorta shock she may initially feel - her knee jerk reaction might be to say no as a date, but yes as a friend (so she feels more secure). But once you plant the "date" seed in her mind - chances are she'll actually consider that in private when she's alone with her thoughts, which could result in her looking at your differently (even though she initially said no to the date), and a bit later down the line actually opening up to the idea of dating you.

So if you're upfront, and you plant the "date" seed, and you get a "no, I'd rather be friends" response - it may not be the end-all-be-all of the situation. It could turn out that once she gets used to the idea of dating you and starts to view you differently and begins to actually consider it, she may end up dating you and realizing she has feelings for you and opening up to those feelings.

And if she doesn't and that never happens - you came off looking like a pro. You manned up, asked for a date, experienced a "no," kinda' joked it off, didn't go off the deep end and start acting out or acting bizarre, didn't start playing the "I'm going to hurt you like you hurt me" game like a child - and didn't skip a beat and went right back to friends. This makes you look stable, emotionally mature, and like you've really got it together as a man.

Cont. . .; May 26, 2015 at 8:52 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: And those are all things that make a woman feel secure and that help her build trust in a man. Either way you slice it, you come out looking impressive. And yea, it requires you to put yourself out there first. . .but that's the way Mother Nature has designed this whole human dating ritual thing we do LOL. By design, the man takes the lead, the woman has the option to submit or not submit - and either way, the man remains a man (by taking a "no" response like one if need be), and still maintains the lead (even if as just a friend) and stands strong.

Again, I know it requires you to put yourself out there first - but you are the man, and if you put your mind to it, you can do this. . .and you may get a "yes" answer to the date immediately, in which case you don't even have to worry about the rest.

Besides - you're a Gem Guy. . .you got this LOL ;-)

Gem guys generally have their finger on the trigger of all that's going on around them and when it comes to the women in their life - they have a liking for "home girls." Meaning, they have a liking for women in their social circles, women that they pal around with, women that they grew up with, women that can hang with them and keep up with them, etc. - you get the idea.

And you've even said it yourself - she must have some kinda' idea you're into her by now. . .and she keeps seeing you, talking to you, hanging out with you, etc. She hasn't rejected the "idea" of you, and she keeps proceeding with you ;-); May 26, 2015 at 8:53 AM
Fire&Water said...: Random musings: ran into A briefly at his office on the 16th. No word from him since. Eh - he's buggered off again. Is this his idea of casual...or is it disappearing? I don't even really know because I initiated so often before. Duh, right? - that's what MOA always says about women not really knowing a man's intentions unless we let them lead. These little revelations make me realize that even though I get the basic premise, there are a lot of pieces that are still in the process of coming together.
-Observation#2: I have been trying to remember when I am with him to let him BE the man. I'm so used to doing stuff for myself that it is an effort to remember to give him the opportunities. Examples: I opened a door for him (because I got there first) and he didn't say anything, but it bugged him. Oops. And I was carrying a heavy bag when we got together. I just did it, like I always do when I'm by myself. He offered to help and I said "I got it, thanks". Oops #2. So I am trying to remember to LET him take those opportunities when they come up and say "yes" when he offers to carry things. This whole being an independent FEMININE gal is challenging!
-Observation #3: I am less physically attracted to him lately. It used to be that I felt I could barely keep my hands off him. Now, it's like "whatever". Interesting. Still LOVE talking with him though.
This is like a mini science project (guy-ence project?) :); May 27, 2015 at 12:00 PM
estherlolly said...: Hi, I did something so wrong I still can't believe it. The set up: I've been feeling kind of fragile for the last three years going on four. I lost a job I'd had for 14 years. The entire faculty at my school were asked to do something against the law twice. Both actions compromised my ethics & I refused to do either of them. So because I refused to play ball I was harassed from here to eternity. I lost my job & my house. I've been living in a hotel (Albeit a nice hotel.) with my mother, two Newfoundlands & her cats. But there's no place like home. I had back surgery which took three years to heal. Last year I met someone on line. We met & he challenged me to something. And like a moron I fell right into his trap. Having sex way too soon. I wanted to kick myself & hard. We've been having sex weekly for a year. We never go out & if I propose it he always has an excuse. He's such a farce. When we're together we have a good time, we talk & laugh. Sex is awesome. It's my belief that he takes me for granted & is too smug by half. Recently we made plans to go out & of course he flaked his excuse was completely asinine. I mean a gnat with a lobotomy could see right through him. I am the master at cat & mouse games like which spouse is the mouse in the house. They never know what hit them. But now he's got the the upper hand & I'm furious about it. This has never happened to me. I've never been in this type of relationship. I've always felt that he was only Mr. Right Now not Mr. Right.
The problem is I've grown fond of him. He's a handsome guy, as an attorney he's been able to retire early & we get along like a house on fire. He's a Gemini & I'm a Leo. In his last lame excuse email I replied with a "Whatever." I haven't called, messaged or tried to contact him in any way. I'm 49 going through menopause & I've sent some very stupid emotional emails knowing full well that he doesn't appreciate my comments. He just ignores them. This menopause thing is brutal. I mean what's happened to me? I feel like I've been invaded by the body snatchers. He knows what I'm going through. In the past after two weeks he'll call & leave a message like "Are you dead?" But this time nada from him & nada from me. I am applying the 30, 40, 60 day rule. So what do you think? I've never made a comment about his profession in fact I always forget about that & he likes it. I also never mention my impoverished state of affairs. That would be a major buzzkill. But he does know I really like him which gives me apoplexy. I never stay on the phone with him for more than ten minutes & when I hang up I slways say I'm doing something, gotta run or I was just about to take a hot bath. So do you think this will work? Please apply your sage opinion on my problem.; June 8, 2015 at 10:16 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Esther,
"I've always felt that he was only Mr. Right Now not Mr. Right."

Then you need to ditch the "temporary" situation that is providing solace right now and instead - take a risk and set off to find your destiny, which is Mr. Right.

The longer you stay with what feels safe for right now, the less time you have to find what it is that you truly want. You have to remove the distraction (Mr. Right Now) so that there's room for what it is that you truly want (Mr. Right).

Change starts with you - you are always required to take the first step to enact change :-)

"So do you think this will work?"

Do I think it will turn a frog (Mr. Right Now), into Price Charming, (Mr. Right)? No - regretfully I do not. You've given this man a year of your life - and nothing has progressed. A year is more than enough time to wait for a natural progression to occur, and if it hasn't by then, regretfully it's not going to :-(

This man clearly wants whats "convenient" for him. After a year, he's kept it that way, so his ACTIONS are speaking to you and divulging the truth. And the truth is that he likes things the way they are - which is convenient for HIM.

A relationship should not be all about one persons wishes and desires. It needs to be a two-way street. And if you're with someone who does not want what you want, or that is not fulfilling your needs and is not even concerned about your needs - then this person will never be able to make you happy, and you will be ripping yourself off of the possibility of meeting your Mr. Right, by staying locked in with Mr. Right Now instead.

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have your needs fulfilled. You deserve to be with someone who wants what you want. This man wants something "casual" and convenient, his actions are saying that. If you instead want something "committed" and that fulfills your needs - then you'll have to break away from Mr. Right Now to make room for Mr. Right to step into your life.

You've given this man an entire year of your life. You've given this relationship an entire year to progress. You're seeing nothing different and no new results. Therefore, it's clear this is what it is, and it's not going to change. So if you want something different - YOU are going to have to take the first step to enact that change. And that first step means letting go of what isn't making you happy so that there's room for someone that will make you happy to enter your life :-); June 11, 2015 at 8:53 AM
Anonymous said...: Does this work even if they dont see each other? If they both just graduated and - living in the same city but not going to the same school - and not seeing each other at all? Wouldnt this no contact rule rather help him forget the girl?; June 13, 2015 at 2:21 PM
Anonymous said...: Moa,
My ex who is now long distance reached out to me a couple days ago. Fyi, we were casual, but good friends before dating. then he moved, we chatted/ sexted for a couple months then he said he needed his space, couldnt deal with ldr. I gave him the space he needed, no contact except one "hope you are well" msg.
When he texted i waited a day to reply cuz i was busy. Anyway we chatted for about 25 minutes. I didnt say i miss him, wasnt all gushy. We just bantered during the convo, had fun talking. Im happy cuz hes a dear to me, he makes me smile.
Im not asking to start a ldr, hes not returning anytime soon. but does it mean anything that he even reached out to me? This is TMI (sorry!) But he had named my boobs a while back and joked around with the name in the convo... light flirting i guess. So I just dont know if that was just a random reaching out or if he was writing cuz he really missed me. Thoughts???; June 13, 2015 at 2:49 PM
Anonymous said...: ... moa, me again with the texting guy... now that hes reached out, is it "okay" for me to send a text if i dont hear from him for a couple days? Just a Hey, hope all is well text? Or should i lay low...?; June 13, 2015 at 2:57 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jun 13, 2:49 PM,
"I just dont know if that was just a random reaching out or if he was writing cuz he really missed me. Thoughts??? "

The only way you're going to know - is to see if HE pursues YOU. You're going to have to do nothing, and see if he continues to reach out, see if he expresses a desire to see you again, and see what actions, if any, he takes.

"now that hes reached out, is it "okay" for me to send a text if i dont hear from him for a couple days?"

Not if you want to see if he's serious or not. Because if YOU do the WORK for him, you're never going to know if he's genuinely interested, or if he's just responding to be friendly and polite. The only way a woman can gauge a man's level of interest is to observe HIS actions (not his words, his ACTIONS) and see if he pursues her. Because a man who's serious and genuinely interested WILL pursue ;-); June 13, 2015 at 3:45 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks moa! He actually just reached out again (yay!). You are right to wait... i feel good this way. Any other time ive made the move on guys it just feels "off" and kinda desperate for their attention. Tis feels right. And you are right, if he doesnt reach out, hes not interested. And why chase someone who doesnt want to talk with you???? :); June 13, 2015 at 4:13 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Thanks for the great post, I decided to start no contact after reading this. My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months and we were very much in love. He adored me. But recently our relationship was going downhill, there were lots of fights, I became needy and dramatic because of the way he has been changed. Besides, I found that he started guarding his phone to a point I felt really uneasy. He would carry it to anywhere he went, outside the house smoking, upstairs for shower, went out to get coffee, when he showed me something on this phone, he held it so tight that it was impossible for me to take it to my hand...he no longer will leave it with me alone, and I used to play with his phone a lot! Even when he was driving, he put the phone between his legs. I sent him an email to express my feeling but he didn't respond. Also the phone calls dropped from daily to minimal, we saw each other from every weekend to every another week during the last 2 months. So last Saturday he said he was tired and wanted to stay alone, I finally could not take it anymore and broke up with him. He even ignored me for the breakup idea.

I found your website and decided to go no contact. Only the next day, he called me. I ignored. He sent me a text said he just wanted to make sure I was okay, I ignored. 2 days into no contact, he called me again, left me a long voice mail to explain why he did not want to see me last weekend - because I stressed him by the email, he just wanted to be happy with me, but I kept creating problem and he didn't need headache and drama in his life. He said he realized I do not want to talk him anymore and he wished me all the best because I am such an amazing girl and I deserve the best. He never apologized for his behavior. I ignored it again. I feel very hurt by his message, does it mean there is no way I can express my feeling to him? Even I am so uncomfortable with him protecting his phone as if there is something he is hiding from me?

I am only on no contact day 3 now, but I don't know what I should do next, please give me some advice. Thank you.

Hurting; June 23, 2015 at 12:36 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Hurting,
"I am only on no contact day 3 now, but I don't know what I should do next, please give me some advice."

Read the section of this article titled "When You Need To Get Over A Man Or A Breakup." And understand that no contact means no contact (and no response) for at least 30 days. So if you're going to commit to it, you do nothing for the next 30 days. . .except pamper yourself, enjoy your friendships again, pick up an old hobby, get a new hairstyle if you like, go on dates with other men (casually, no sex), refresh your wardrobe, enjoy a night out with the girls - and do whatever it is that you enjoy joying :-); June 23, 2015 at 11:11 PM
Anonymous said...: @Anonymous,

Continue ignoring him and pour all your energy into you. You took back your power by ignoring him, he KNOWS it, which is why he sprouting all that manipulative talk about you being amazing, blah blah blah. He was hoping it would get you to not ignore him so that he could get power back in the situation.

Go the full 30 days and decide if you even want this man. Were there other issues in the relationship?; June 24, 2015 at 2:45 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

So I have been dating this man for 10 months now and it's been great he is a complete gentleman but within the past month I felt a shift. I became filled with anxiety and fear that he didn't love me even though he would tell me every day, he sends me good morning text every morning, called me pretty much every nigh,etc. he is very consistent but I think I became fearful that he would leave me like my ex did. I have not been able to see him as much lately due to work issues and I know he was being patient and be became frustrated but he never left. If he couldn't call me or hadn't contacted me for a while he would send me a text to apologize saying he knows I must want to kill him for not reaching out he's sorry but he always made sure to get in contact again. I realized that I changed my behavior with him, I started second guessing his love for me, where he was at, what he was doing. The more my behavior changed the more his did and he pulled away a bit, not calling as much, not as much affection, etc. I asked him why but he didn't answer, I didn't realize until this weekend that I changed so he therefore reacted to me.stupid me!
We had an argument he did do something wrong, he posted some pic on instagrAm and I was so upset that I flipped and I have to say with me flipping on him he didn't run he wanted to talk and explain himself. I told him I needed to go to bed and calm down he said can we please talk in the morning. I told him I wasn't sure I was too upset we didn't speak but that evening he did reach out to me and we talked that night, he explained what happened and apologized. He said he doesn't care what other people think but my opinion of him is what matters to him. We made up but I think I scared the crap out of him so he blocked me from his Instagram and I keep insisting why he did that. I think me acting like a crazy chick backfired on me! I should have acted like it didn't bother me and act indifferent maybe he would add me on again. I realize my insecurity is showing all over but I do realize that when I back off he looks for me and makes repeated attempts and gets lovey covey, if I come at him he gives one word answers and won't read my messages. So I notice a pattern here with my behavior and then how he responds. Mirror what do I do? I do love him but I messed up.How do I get it back to where this man was absolutely crazy about me and couldn't get enough?

--- Jessica; July 4, 2015 at 9:43 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Jessica,
"I notice a pattern here with my behavior and then how he responds. Mirror what do I do?"

You change your behavior, you change your responses - and you don't take action on your emotions. Instead, you practice self-discipline and you do not take any action while in an emotional state because nine times out of ten, when people act on their emotions. . .they regret it later.

"How do I get it back to where this man was absolutely crazy about me and couldn't get enough?"

You become the carefree, fun, confident woman that he was attracted to in the first place again. You practice self-discipline and rely on your personal coping skills to help you control the anxiety and fear, and you become "enjoyable" to him once more :-); July 6, 2015 at 12:08 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Update on my guy, I just don't get it, now he's distant and not talking to me very much. He got back to my text but he wasn't very chatty. Two weeks ago this man was apologizing to me about not being able to call me because he had his son, I did not reach out to him. And last week he was looking for me telling me he missed me , loved me, telling me honey I'm on my way home I will call you and he did, he even spoke to me about a trip he wants us to take in December. He was telling me that he thinks his work schedule will not be a problem and it looks to be a definite thing. He even said he had to work out some work issues in August before we went on our vacation together but he was definitely resolving them because he wanted that time with me. Telling me about him possibly being transferred to another office for four months. Two weeks ago he panicked that I was going out to dinner with someone, when he couldn't reach me he kept texting me over and over until i responded. Now it's like he needs space from me and does not even want to answer texts even though he says he always wants to talk to me, I know you said its good for men to have space so now I am giving it to him. I will not reach out to him he can come and find me. We laughed a bit yesterday but there was no affection, I have to say he spoiled me with affection and now I just want it all the time. I know you said men need their space and cannot maintain that kind of affection all the time plus I think me being too available, in his face all the time and kinda needy has contributed to the problem. With me he knows how I feel about him, there's no challenge, no mystery and I suspect he is losing interest. I hope he hasn't lost complete interest in me! Hopefully its just space he needs but I will give it to him. Do you think he will contact me? I mean just last week when we had an argument I got the feeling he was afraid I would walk away from him. I sensed that even though I was ripping him a new one and being super reactive he wanted to discuss and work it out even begged to talk it out in the morning and not lose me. The day after the argument he was super affectionate. I just don't get it! I bet if I did that to him he would freak out. So I guess going no contact and disappearing is what I will do and see what he does. Am I doing the right thing? Do men just forget about you or do they realize they miss you and reach out? Shed some light on my situation Mirror.

-- Jessica; July 7, 2015 at 5:26 PM
Anonymous said...: Another thing Mirror,

Should I assume this is over by the way he's acting or to you is this far from over? I will not send an ultimatum telling him if he doesn't want to talk to me then I guess we're done. I am sure that will annoy and piss him off. Plus I want him to go hey where is she? I miss her. I have not heard her voice or seen her in a while, let me go see what's up. Sorry for the double post but men sure are a pain in the butt sometimes!

-- Jessica; July 7, 2015 at 5:45 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello Mirror,
Thank you very much for this article. It was very useful for me. I was with a guy for about two months. He was really interested initially and then things got comfortable and we met up about once or twice a week. I believed things were going well, and the things he said and his behaviour never made me suspect otherwise. However, towards mid June he cancelled once on me which I didn't say much about because I think these things do sometimes happen, and we met up a couple of times afterwards. Then the following week, he texted me on the day we were going to meet but didn't say anything about meeting up. I was annoyed about it and told him that I felt he needed to treat me with more respect instead of assuming I was just available all the time. He said he agreed, but he was uncertain about things and couldn't commit at the moment. I don't remember much about that day because I was really upset, and he comforted me for a while before leaving. I texted him once over the week because I was too upset, which was probably a really stupid move, but he did reply, although it sounded like he was annoyed that I wasn't prioritising my work (I had some exam). He texted me after my exam to ask how it went and I replied normally. I then texted him about a week later telling him that I was okay with casual. He said would talk about this to me sometime later. We met up and he didn't really have any answers to most of my questions, but he said he would keep seeing me casually, and that he did still want to see me. Because of the way he sounded over text I wrote him a letter saying thank you for everything and wishing him happiness, which I gave him anyway to read when he got home. I then left the country, and he knows I'm away for the next few weeks. It's been about 2.5 weeks now and I haven't heard from him, but I haven't contacted him either because I didn't want him to feel pressurized. We used to talk every couple of days at least. He said he would see me when I'm back. I don't know what I should be doing at this point, because I feel like I'm stuck in limbo. On the one hand I've been told I should be trying to get over him because things are probably over, but I still hold on to some hope that maybe he does mean to keep seeing me. I'm really confused and sad. Should I contact him at all after the month is over?
-Steph; July 8, 2015 at 9:00 AM
Fire&Water said...: Posting this here because this is where the rest of my saga is, but it probably should move to the "Disappearing Man" post at this point :s.
Almost 60 days since I've heard a thing from A. Our last communication was the post-get-together text exchange, where he didn't answer my last (too-)quick response. I have toyed with tapping him via a lame :) "hey" text, but I always come back to thinking there's no point. Even if we started corresponding again, it'll only end up back like this -him going silent for long stretches. It's impossible to build any kind of relationship with somebody who does this silence-disappearing thing. It's like trying to make a bridge and having the pilings periodically collasping.

On the new Disappearing Man post, @Heartbroken Gemini just said "I can't keep begging for love and attention from someone who will not or cannot give it.". That completely resonated with me. That's just how I felt before following MOA's guidance - like a little cute puppy saying "please, play with me...please?"

The sad part is that I truly like A and valued his ideas and opinions.

I have come to the conclusion that he simply doesn't care.

This comment from MOA to Heartbroken Gemini: "I've always said that when someone feels a need to state the obvious - watch out. Because nine times out of ten, what they're telling you they're not going to do, is exactly what they end up doing." reminded of something he said early on. My close "adopted older sister" friend had just lost a dear friend and partner. I was expecting her text and A texted me right then, so I briefly filled him in on the incident and their history. And he said something about a "phone hug" and "I do care". I remember thinking it a bit odd at the time - how could he care about this thing happening to the friend of someone he'd only recently met? I am wondering now if that was a red flag - him saying that in reality, he just didn't (doesn't have the capacity to?) give a d**n.

And I think this is the hardest part for me to understand. Why did he even bother in the first place? Why take the trouble to get together? What's the point of half starting something with someone? I'm sure it has partly to do with being a man and needing to have lots of irons in the fire, but geez, sometimes I just can't wrap my head around the concept. I just don't tend to F with people's heads like that. If I don't give a shiz, I don't play like I do. And I know I don't *need* to understand, but I still wonder why people act this way (yes, I am an analyst par excellence :p)

I have gotten that " I don't give a blank" vibe from him on occasion. And yet, from other observations, I can see that he craves love and/or deep understanding. He seems to think he can get it from a large group/having enough people around him. I am thinking he is going to be one of those people who has a gazillion friends...and is extremely lonely because none of those people really *know* him.

So, I am staying silent, shaking my head and working on figuring out exactly what I need/want in my life (always intended an LTR/marriage, but dating hasn't really fit into my life. I am realizing that I may actually be too booked right now for a boyfriend :D); July 9, 2015 at 10:55 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror!
(3 months/3 dates girl)
Here I am again just wanting to give an update on the situation which I have been writing about on here for a few months now.
So last time I had said that we are at the stage of seeing if sth is gonna come out of this when I move to his city (in a couple of weeks now).
WELL...At some point he had me thinking this might actually be heading somewhere because he started texting nearly every day for a bit of time and all our texting conversations had become live (with immediate responses). UNTIL heaven forbid, I initiated a conversation last Friday (based on a previous topic we were discussing) and he opened my message straight away sure enough but didn't reply for THREE days!!! At this point I was sizzling in my fury and frustration...there he was again not only back to his own ways but even worse! And in the reply I got with a three-day delay there was no explanation given about the delay, no apology for blatantly ignoring me in my face - nothing. I was fuming!! But I controlled myself and said 'NO this is possibly what he wants...'. Remain calm and IGNORE. So I decided to not respond at all and give him the silent treatment.
This man has shown me in the most blatant way that he doesn't give f*** about how I feel, whether he insults me - nothing. And the worst of all is that he does it in a way that when I try and tell a friend about it to feel better nobody understands me! Because he is so subtle in his manipulation. MOA do you believe he is manipulative? I don't know if you remember the story with this guy but let me just say that he is the kind of guy that other people love - very charming, wanting peace and love and being ever so polite. This is the front he has when he is luring me in. THEN when I get comfortable and I start thinking 'oh...he seems to be opening up' he then pulls the rug from under my feet with sudden distancing through texting. That means days for a reply if I initiate and hours for a reply to my reply if he initiates. Doesn't this sound like some kind of manipulation? Also he has avoided giving me his facebook on several occasions. And then when I have had enough and confront him about it he goes all angry and offended about me not acknowledging the busy life he has. He reminds of 'disappearing man' and 'insecure man'. Am I right?

MOA I am so angry at him and myself for allowing such a guy to play with me like this. It is the first time I am giving him the silent treatment now. Do you think it will help me regain some self-esteem in this situation and possibly give this dude a taste of his own medicine?; July 9, 2015 at 7:16 PM
Anonymous said...: @Anonymous -

When he ignore you/takes time to reply to you, he is not being manipulative...behaving like that could be all sorts of things that fall under the commitmentphobe category.

However, when you call him on it and he gets angry/manipulative and gives you BS about being busy, he is being manipulative and an a-hole. This is because he *knows* he is not being kind towards you (without you telling him) and lacking a spine, instead of acknowledging it, he gets mad at you for calling him on it. His response (1) tells you that its a waste of time of time to call him on this behavior because he will flip it on you and (2) he is the kind of guy who will chip away at your self-esteem vs be honest.

I am always weary about anyone who talks about how busy they are - usually they are not that busy at all! It's an excuse/lie.

The only way to "give him a taste of his medicine" is to cut him off permanently. He may fuss to get control back, but he is already showing you that he doesn't care.

I would toss him out and never look back with regret. Men like this are toxic and will trash your self-esteem if you are interacting with them too much.; July 10, 2015 at 12:39 PM
Anonymous said...: I love the "no contact" rule and I've been doing it now for two weeks. So far, I've only received 1 "nothing" email last week about his health insurance coverage...lol...and one text message yesterday asking how things went with my medical appointment this week. So far, his return is not sounding very encouraging. I agree that women need romance, but I'm just curious as to what your idea of romance is. Just stumbled upon your site this week and really like it. Thanks! AlabamaGirl; July 10, 2015 at 3:17 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Alabama Girl,
"I'm just curious as to what your idea of romance is"

Everyone's is probably a bit different but when I refer to romance I'm generally talking about the old fashioned ways of making a woman feel "special" (and that permit a man to be a gentleman).

Things like a nice dinner and conversation that permit the woman to get dressed up, wear jewelry, and feel like a woman. Opening the door for her, pulling out her chair when she sits down, helping her take her coat on/off, making time for her, holding an umbrella for her, making her a priority, doing special unexpected small things for her from time to time like bring her a flower, compliment her, walk with your arm around her waist to make her feel safe, call when you say you will - good old fashioned things along those lines.; July 10, 2015 at 5:30 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello! Love your site. The problem that I have is my boyfriend of almost a year ignores me sometimes. I can text him and he won't even acknowledge me at times, but if I take too long responding him, he doesn't like it. He takes me for granted, a lot. I never really know how he feels until he's upset or if he's in a good mood. It's as if he doesn't put in the effort. He says I'm the love of his life and he's afraid to lose me, but I'm not sure if that's true. He's super sweet as long as everything is going "right" but as soon as the slightest problems arises, hee shuts down and completely ignores me. I love him. He was my high school sweetheart. We broke up for 10yrs when we were 20. Never thought I'd see him again. Then after 10 yrs, he's here and so am I but it seems as ifthis is all too familiar, but only more mature. I left him 10 yrs ago because I didn't think he loved me. When we reconnected, I was shocked to learn his feelings for me back then, were very similar to mine. When we are together, We're in love, deeply and madly. But it's his communication, the lack of effort and unfairness...I don't want to make the same mistake that I made 10 yrs ago. But I'm starting to question if it was actually a mistake. Do i use the no contact rule to find out? Ex. He text yesterday and said "hi baby". Six minutes later I replied and then sent 2 follow up messages hours later. He still never said anything. This is typical. Then this morning I woke up to a text from him saying good morning, as if I never sent any messages the night before.

Thanks in advance!; July 10, 2015 at 10:34 PM
Anonymous said...: I totally agree with your definition of romance. Thanks! AlabamaGirl; July 12, 2015 at 6:33 PM
Anonymous said...: @ Mirror. WOW!! I have been reading this blog for 2 days now, and I am EXHAUSTED! How sad is it that women have absolutely no self-respect or dignity when it comes to men. I don't know how you do this...play therapist to so many people every day I, too, am currently in a NC mode, but I must say, my boyfriend was far better than ANY of the scenarios listed here. I almost feel guilty now for not answering his text the other day when he asked me about my medical appointment. He felt like he needed some space a few weeks back, so he's getting space...at least for 30 days and then until he makes an effort to talk about things. He does like to talk and normally doesn't like to have distance between us. We'll see how this goes, but either way, I WILL NOT be pursuing him in any way and you can count on that. Keep up the good work, MOA, these women need to hear what you have to say...that's for certain!! AlabamaGirl; July 17, 2015 at 4:02 PM
Fire&Water said...: @AlabamaGirl - I'm quoting your comment because it's a segue to something I've been thinking about for awhile. I'm not intending to disagree, I just need a point of departure :)

"How sad is it that women have absolutely no self-respect or dignity when it comes to men"

I think it isn't always insecurity or a lack of self-respect or dignity that leads some of us to act as we do. For instance, I like who I am and generally think I'm pretty amazing, and I've learned to laugh at the awkward, dorky, it-only-would-happen-to-me moments that have inevitably cropped up throughout my life (getting into those is a talent of mine :) ). But when a guy I like notices and likes me, I have a tendency to over-react, not because I don't think I'm good enough, but because I think he sees how amazing I am too and I'm like "Yeah, I know, right?!!". Especially when they say "It's hard to believe you're single". And then I crash when I realize it was just a crass attempt to sleep with me, generally fueled by me attempting to build something solid on what was a superficial liking on the guy's part. Where I have failed is by not testing guys enough and by taking what they say at face value. I think I am getting more attachment from them than I actually have because I've placed too much significance on insignificant details. That's one HUGE, important lesson I've learned from MOA. I haven't been acting like someone as valuable as I know I am, not because I didn't know it, but because my inexperience prevented me from realizing how the way I was acting was being interpreted. This is one piece of how I've done things and had it not work. There are more, and I'm working on understanding them.

And also @AlabamaGirl, re: what you said about reading for two days - yes! Reading here, you'll see so many of us who found this site because of one disappearing guy and then stayed (and read pretty much every comment in every article coughmecough) because of the wonderful wisdom and support here in this community.

Please let us know how things go for you, if you would like to. Reading each other's stories is always so powerful.; July 18, 2015 at 2:36 PM
Anonymous said...: Hey, just wanted your thoughts on my current situation. I have been dating a guy for three months now and thought it was going really well. He began by seeming really keen, initiating dates (going for dates once or twice a week), texting every day, meeting his friends, housemates and work colleagues including his boss who all said they really liked me and thought we were both really similar! The guy was really chuffed that I had gotten on so well with his friends and boss! Now, in the three month stage, he seems to have become a bit distant, not messaging as often and I've had to initiate two dates. We haven't slept together as I am not ready for this when it may not work out into a relationship. His phone broke at the weekend so we haven't communicated for three days but feel if he wanted to communicate with me he would (via facebook). I last saw him at the weekend in a group and just felt the vibe was a bit different but not sure if this was because we were in a group. Just wondering what your thoughts are on the situation? I would like to become a couple but am willing to wait longer for this to happen and I haven't pushed him into thinking we are a couple either. At the moment I am waiting to see if he contacts me, it's driving me crazy!; July 21, 2015 at 2:42 PM

«Oldest ‹Older 1801 – 2000 of 2516 Newer› Newest»