Dumper or Dumpee: Dating Help With A Break Up

We’re going to take an in-depth look into the concept known as dumper versus dumpee in the world of dating and a break up.

There is much debate as to who suffers more after a break up - the dumper or the dumpee? We’re also going to explore the likelihood of one or the other requesting a renewed relationship after the break up.

After much consideration, study and research on the subject, it could just be that the pain involved is not what affects the ultimate outcome. But we’ll get to that.
However, it does pay to explore where both, the dumper and dumpee’s, minds, thoughts and feelings may be at the time of the occurrence of a dump as well as month’s afterwards.

So let’s break this down by first taking a look at what might be going on in the mind of both the dumper and dumpee in this situation and then we’ll move along from there.

Dumper or Dumpee: Who’s Hurting More?

That depends. And I believe it depends on the reason for the dump. So let’s explore a couple of the most common reasons for this:

Man Disrespects or Disappoints The Woman

In this scenario, the reason for the break up is apparent – the woman feels disrespected and/or disappointed by the man in some way and, as a result, she feels compelled to stand up for herself and dumps the man before he begins taking her for granted. She doesn’t necessarily WANT to do this, yet she HAS to do this if she’s to be respected and treated properly by men.

As a result, I believe the woman, the dumper here, would be very open to a return from the man to reignite the relationship (unless he cheated). Chances are she’s hurting badly and left wondering why he did what he did that forced her to take this action. So if the dumpee, the man, returns to make amends, I believe he will have an increased success rate of actually repairing things and making amends, as long as his intentions are genuine, he apologizes, becomes accountable for his actions and shows the woman the respect she deserves.

Who’s hurting more: In this case, I believe the dumper is hurting more than the dumpee.

Woman Disrespects or Disappoints The Man

In this scenario, we have a couple of additional dynamics involved when compared to the situation above. And those would be 1) male ego and 2) male pride. These can complicate things and create a very different outcome. If a man feels embarrassed (pride) and emasculated (ego) by the woman and he dumps her as a result, he will be very hurt and the chances of him returning to reignite the relationship are decreased. As a result, I believe the man here would be less likely to return to reignite the relationship.

Who’s hurting more: In this case, I believe the dumpee is hurting more than the dumper.

A possible variable to that would be – if HE did something to bring this disrespect or disappointment from the woman upon himself and she then dumped him. In which case, after a considerable amount of time has passed since he’s last communicated with her (one to three months), he may begin to miss her and rethink things and realize that his actions caused the woman’s behavior. As a result, he may return to make amends and attempt to reignite the relationship.

Who’s hurting more: In this case, I believe the dumper would initially be the one hurting and the dumpee would begin to hurt some time later.

The Woman Chases and “Spooks” The Man Away

In this scenario, the woman is taking the natural order of things, man leads and woman submits as set by Mother Nature, and she’s turning things on their head here. Men view this behavior from women as very unnatural and, as a result, they start to make assumptions about the woman like, “needy,” “desperate,” “clingy,” and “emotionally unstable.” None of which make for a healthy relationship. Men instinctually recognize the signs of an unhealthy pairing and, therefore, tend to avoid one like the plague.

Men will run from the above scenario to take a breather and come up for air. To a man, this feels like one minute - he’s floating happily in a sea of possibilities. Then, all of a sudden and out of nowhere, Jaws grabs a hold of his leg under the water and begins pulling him into the dark depths of the ocean – and his possibilities are now all gone.

Given enough time and space (generally one to 3 months) in this scenario, a man may begin to miss the woman (if he has not had any contact with her since the break up) and there is a high likelihood that he will return. However, it won’t be to reignite the relationship – chances are it will be to start all over again, from square one, casually dating the woman, in an attempt to see if she’s really as crazy as he first thought she was.

Who knows, maybe he was wrong about her? That’s what he will think if the woman initiates no contact after the dump and disappears on him. The fact that she didn’t chase (as he expected her to) and act like an obsessed psycho will make him rethink his assumptions of her so he’ll begin to second guess himself and return to see if he might have been wrong.

Who’s hurting more: In this case, I believe the dumpee is hurting more than the dumper.

The Man Aggressively “Spooks” The Woman Away

Yes, ladies. Women run scared, too. I’ve done it myself. If a man begins to pressure a woman and move in on her quick, like lightening, and issues ultimatums to her, she may bolt and run scared - just as a man would do. She’ll develop suspicions about the man and she’ll wonder, “Why is he in such a rush? Does he have ulterior motives here?” Her trust for him will decrease; her suspicions of him will increase. It’s a fine line.

In these scenarios, it’s all about trust folks. Women are preyed upon as sexual objects by men daily and, as a result, their guard is up when they meet a man. If they feel that the pursuit is becoming unnaturally aggressive in some manner, much like a rabbit being chased through tall grass, she’ll feel like she’s being preyed upon. Her defenses will rise up and she’ll spring into action and run from what she perceives as an oncoming threat.

In the spook scenario, for men the oncoming threat is one of commitment. For women, the oncoming threat is one of being eaten up and devoured for dinner (sexed up and dumped) and left for dead.

However, much like men in the spook scenario, given a considerable amount of time to process what happened, the woman may eventually reach the conclusion that she might have been wrong about the man – that she might have misinterpreted his actions.

As a result, the woman may circle back around to the man in an attempt to communicate with him once again, to see if she was wrong about him. Or, after a considerable amount of time (one to three months), the man may return to touch base with the woman in an attempt to test the waters. And if his approach is soft, the woman will likely give him a second chance to reignite the relationship.

Who’s hurting more: In this case, I believe the dumpee is hurting more than the dumper.

Man Dumps Woman For No Apparent Reason

Hey, it happens. And usually, the dumpee, the woman, will spend most, if not all, of her time consumed with “why” this happened. Reliving it and rehashing it in her mind, over and over and over again.

There is a reason behind the break up. However, it could be one of many and trying to suss out the real reason is generally a waste of time, energy and effort. The reasons may include:

He’s a player and only intended to use the woman for sex and had no intention of a relationship.
He tried dating the woman in an effort to get to know her, and he did – and concluded that, for whatever reason, she wasn’t the one.
He’s a coward and he cannot communicate his feelings emotionally.
He’s cheating on the woman.
The woman pursued him and spooked him away.
The woman was emotionally needy, unstable, clingy and overbearing.
He thinks she’s cheating on him.
He got what he wanted, sex, and it’s time to move onto the next conquest.
An ex has resurfaced that’s distracted his attention from you, to her.
He met someone else more interesting while dating the woman.
He’s emotionally unavailable and has a deep rooted fear of commitment.
He lives far away and doesn’t want a long distance relationship.
He lives in another country and realizes that the two will never be together.
He’s a serial dater.
He was simply bored and looking for something to do at the time.

As you can see, attempting to boil down the reason to one single factor becomes near impossible to do. In which case, his level of interest will tell the tale. (And we’ll get to that below in a moment.)

The likelihood of the man returning is high here – IF the woman disappears and does not contact or attempt to communicate with and/or pursue the man after the break up. The chance of return is diminished if the woman who was dumped begins to pursue the man who dumped her because this will decrease his respect for her, his value of her and make her even more undesirable to him.

Who’s hurting more: In this case, I believe the dumpee is hurting more than the dumper.

Woman Dumps Man For No Apparent Reason

Much like the scenario above, it happens. And it can happen for all the same reasons listed above. And again, attempting to boil it down to one single reason is a fruitless effort.

Additionally, much like the scenario above, the likelihood of a possible return here from the woman is high. But if the man starts blowing up the woman’s phone or filling up her Facebook wall with pleas and attempts, his chances are then greatly decreased. However, if he waits a considerable amount of time (one to three months) and THEN makes a soft approach, a woman has a much higher likelihood of giving the man a second chance and viewing him in a different light. Because as I mentioned above, it’s the man’s level of interest that will tell the tale.

Who’s hurting more: In this case, I believe the dumpee is hurting more than the dumper.

The Level of Interest Tells The Tale

As much as there are a number of variables and clear dynamics involved in the dumper versus dumpee break up debate, I believe it’s the level of interest of the man involved that truly tells the tale.

It’s clear to see from the scenarios listed above that most times, it’s the dumpee that’s hurting worse. And this is simply because rejection, in and of itself, just plain hurts the human soul, man or woman. However, it’s the level of interest of the man that truly affects the end result.

And this is where it pays for men to pursue, not women – and I’ll explain why.

If a woman has a high level of interest in a man: She will begin to pursue him after the break up.

If a man has a high level of interest in a woman: He will begin to pursue the woman after the break up.

The Big Difference Is The Outcome

If a woman has a high level of interest in a man and pursues him after the break up: She willfully puts herself at a very high risk of being used by the man (for sex) – and being dumped by him - a second time.

If a man pursues a woman after a break up, regardless of who dumped who: He actually has a very high chance of winning her over, repairing things and entering into a long term relationship with her; he proves himself to the woman. It sounds strange, but I’ve seen it - time and time again. When you ask couples in long term relationships about how they met, many times you hear the woman say something to the effect of:

“When I first met him, I didn’t like him. But he pursued me – he grew on me and he won me over. I just couldn’t resist.”

Honestly, I think the relationships that have a greater chance of longevity are the ones where the woman rebuffed the man initially – and the man worked to prove himself to the woman.

As you can see, the same exact behavior can result in two very different outcomes.

This is because each gender, male versus female, views this behavior quite differently. Women view pursuit by men as the natural order of things – man leads, woman submits. It’s very primal.

However, when those natural gender roles are reversed – woman leads, man submits - the outcome can be very different.

And just a note of warning, ladies: If a man insists on YOU pursuing HIM, he’s insecure and chances are, won’t make a good boyfriend, lover or husband because of his insecurities and his inability to man up. If he can’t man up in the beginning, he’ll never man up during the relationship – when you need him most. You will always feel like it’s YOU working to hold things together while he sits, does nothing, takes, sucks you dry and completely exhausts you.

Men view pursuit from women as unnatural and desperate, while women view pursuit from men as the natural order of things, the way Mother Nature intended it, and see it as chivalrous, romantic and a sign of genuine interest.

Let’s face it, there’s nothing sexier than a man going to the ends of the earth to win a woman over. That’s the definition of Prince Charming. It’s reminiscent of John Cusack’s famous boom box scene in the 1989 movie, “Say Anything.”

However, when a woman does this, it’s not sexy at all. It signals emotional instability to the man, it angers and frustrates them, and decreases their attraction for the woman - FAST. It’s reminiscent of the “I will not be ignored” scene in the 1987 movie, “Fatal Attraction.”

The Natural Order Of Things

It’s simply the natural order of things, on a very primal level, for the man to lead and the woman to submit. So when a woman reverses those natural gender roles and turns things topsy-turvy, the end result is very different.

So in conclusion, it could just be that within the dumper versus dumpee psychological scenario – it’s not really who’s hurting more versus who’s hurting less that determines the ultimate outcome.

It’s the INTEREST level of the man – and the REACTIONS of the woman – that appear to be the single most important factor in determining the final outcome.

My advice to men: If you truly think the woman may be the one for you, after giving things considerable room to breathe, pursue her with all you’ve got. Set your ego and your pride aside, do not be discouraged, and pull out all the punches (romance) and go for it. Win her over.

My advice to women: Don’t overreact, keep your emotions in check and don’t over analyze the situation and heighten your insecurities. Give things considerable room to breathe and wait to see if the man’s genuinely interested. If he is, HE will pursue YOU.

If you want the relationship to work out in the end: Men, bring your “A-Game” to the plate. And ladies, keep your emotions “in check.”

“Do not allow negative experiences to make you bitter. They should make you wiser, and with that wisdom you shall find joy.” ~ Leon Brown

455 Comments:

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Anonymous said...: Thanks MOA,

Since several of the students were very interested in what I had to say, I promised that I would keep in touch and help them with their career paths in anyway that I could. So, I will have a good reason to continue my contact with the ex. I have never been a super patient person so this is tough for me, but I agree with everything you are saying. I wish I could have accomplished more, but if you asked me several months ago if I would have taken this result, I would have told you yes in a heartbeat. Plus, I knew I couldn't push for anything at a strictly work related event (especially since everyone was together in a very small area). That would have been way too risky and could have blown my chances forever. I did find it interesting that she seemed more relaxed when I spoke with her alone (for a few moments). It was a work related topic, but I could see it in her face that she was being a little more open. Whereas, when a group was around she was a bit more guarded. It's funny... she got very nervous when one of the students asked how we knew each other. I cracked a joke that I could see lessened the tension for her and gave her a chance to recover. She eventually chimed in that we were old friends. The next time that I am guaranteed to see her is 3 weeks from now. But I want to keep some dialogue open between now and then. Any suggestions? On a sidenote....I know people often say that just let things happen naturally and if it's meant to be things will work out. But how do you cope with the worry that she could meet someone else (if she hasn't already) while I am being patient?; June 6, 2013 at 12:16 PM
Peter said...: @Anonymous Male

Once again just to provide you with an alternate view on which to balance this I will be direct. Please don't misread this directness I just want cut to a few things here.

Yes it's good to think and seek analysis, there are times when we can have too many facts or the wrong facts. This in my view is one of those times. Your thinking like this won't solve the situation but it will lead to you wanting to know more. I get the view you're are waiting for the ladies here to provide a "go sign" and tell you why she is interested. In the interests of genuinly wanting to help you with this I won't do that as I think you need to take some action now. If you don't you risk repeating this cycle everytime she contacts you. A cycle of misreading, analysis and wrong action. When you want answers to your questions those answers are framed by how you present both the question and any supplementary details. I feel you maybe misreading the situation and looking at details that are not there or ther wrong details.You say you never observed her in work but you did, you presented the complete work situation. The compliments were work related and you set them apart..took them otherwise.
Can you see how you're are being selective in your observations?

I can see from this that she is being professional. In my experience teaching and mentoring I have seen this many times. It occurs both in teaching and in business too in youth mentoring,employee development..even networking situations. I don't believe you can read anything into what happened at that meeting it was all work. Even the compliments were work as you confirmed my thinking when you said she never did that when dating.

In the interests of giving you balance I feel you do need this in order to take a good look and gain a "large picture" perspective.

I still believe based on everything you said that you're are viewing this from a position of bias. Assuming interest..I'm not getting at you here and it's cmpletely normal to have erros in thining we've all done it. I just feel seeing this situation both ways will give you a better insight even if you don't feel the view presented fits. I could be wrong and I offer this to support the good advice you have here from MOA and the ladies.; June 6, 2013 at 1:25 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Male,
"I want to keep some dialogue open between now and then. Any suggestions?"

Hmm, I'm not sure I'd make a move just yet because it's still "touch and go" at this point, with you feeling out whether or not she's truly interested romantically.

Peter, any thoughts on that? Contact? Text?

"But how do you cope with the worry that she could meet someone else (if she hasn't already) while I am being patient?"

This is where you simply have to have faith. As humans, we cannot control others, only our reaction to them and this is one of those instances. You can't make someone want to be with you or develop an interest in you - you really just have to be you - and have faith that that's enough.

You win some, you lose some - but in the end, it's always better to have loved and lost - then to have never loved at all, ya' know?

And you can also look back and not have any regrets, knowing that you gave it your best shot - and have faith that there's always the possibility that that individual will "come around" at some point in the future as well.

Never say never when it comes to love and relationships :-); June 6, 2013 at 1:43 PM
Anonymous said...: Peter, of course there is some bias here. That is why I am asking for advice, lol. As for the meeting, I was only reporting on what happened. I would love everyone here to tell me that she is interested, but I also know that the reality is that she has not made any overt signals. I get that. But I also don't know how a woman's mind works. Hence my need for advice. I don't want to miss an opportunity because I failed to notice it. Also, my main goal at the meeting was to make her comfortable around me again. Which I am fairly certain she is. MOA...I'm constantly struggling with trying too hard and backing off and having faith. You are correct in that I need to cede some of that control. I probably wouldn't care this much about things if the ending hadn't been so unexpected. I know you can't live in the past, but there are a lot of "what if's". It's not like I am sitting around waiting for her. I am meeting and dating other girls, but so far they aren't anywhere near as awesome as the her. Which makes it tough.; June 7, 2013 at 11:34 AM
Anonymous said...: The only other thing I can think of is telling her that I would always be willing to entertain the idea of dating in the future...but in the meantime I would love to keep in touch as friends. But that would probably put too much pressure on her, right?; June 7, 2013 at 11:40 AM
Anonymous said...: one last thing....while I could see her in three weeks at a board meeting for an organization we are both involved in..I'm not sure I am going to continue with that. I have some major differences of opinion with the new president. At this point, the main reason of staying on would be to see the ex. And I'm not sure if I want to become "that" guy...a person that will do anything to run into a girl. So...that changes the dynamic a bit. Not sure when would be the next time I see her. Don't want to rush things, but also worried I could fade away from her memory. What would you suggest if I end up leaving the board?; June 7, 2013 at 11:50 AM
Peter said...: @Anonymous Male

"Peter, of course there is some bias here. That is why I am asking for advice, lol"

Yes you're asking and missing the point. So here it is. You take everything this lady does as a sign of interest and filter out those things that don't support your view. That is what I mean here. Now I've given you advice as 37 year old man who should be using what he knows. It should not take a 26 year old man to tell you this. I get the impression reading everything you write that you’re a teenager..I see that from teenagers. There's also arrogance to you so you can have my advice what you do with it now up to you. As a man your age make some choices. You’re your own worst enemy here.

There is no chance, and there will continue to be no chance they way you do it. I consistently see the lazy easy route from you. Confirmed by you know being ready to bolt. You don't want to be to that guy? Why should you NOT be that guy? Are you entitled to her attention? What you see as doing anything is showing masculinity and leadership. Why should she want to be with a man that won’t treat her that way? As for this outcome none of it was unexpected you're an older man and you've only just realised you need to observe a women.

I've been trying to tell you but you won't see it. See liked you..Was under the illusion and..She found out you weren’t that good. She's gone and pulled back and now when things get hard you bolt because you don't want to be "that guy". Now I can give you advice but you’re being lazy and this needs to register on some level. What you're doing here in how you act is projecting superiority over her, when you do that you make a women feel devalued and insecure. This entire attitude you have..Well guess what she will see it and feel it. The end result is she won’t feel safe around you being a women, anyone can have comfort yes that’s a part of it..Won’t get you the lady on its own.

Women feel able to be women around decisive, masculine and confident men. Deliver this in a way that shows authority, calmness and composure and then you will see feminine women with good comfort around you. The next part is to be gentleman about it and have some balls and pursue. I promise you this lady is not sat at home thinking "I wish I could meet a man who will do nothing for me...is lazy and is too weak to make a real shot at it". Go after this woman, the worst that can happen she says no. I promise that won't kill you :-)

One more thing you need to consider is you're doing is pulling a disappearing man..Take a minute on this blog and read the comments of the ladies here. See what they think of that ;-)

I've been reading your comments and we can't think for you. You're old enough to make a choice and take it if backfires. I appreciate you need advice but you need to lead too. You take what advice you want and if this fails to make to make you think then you need to learn it on your own. But maybe at this point you don't deserve her. I'm done watching you act like a teenager. Stand up make a choice, be responsible and accountable. It's all on you here.; June 8, 2013 at 9:19 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Male,
Before reacting to Peter's comment above in a negative fashion, please realize he's attempting to help you. And sometimes in order to help someone, you have to speak your truth and, as we all know, sometimes the truth hurts. This happens to me here as well at times when I speak my truth in observation of the situation and the receiver doesn't like what they're hearing.

But the bottom line is, it's all being done with the best intention - which is one of "assistance" and "self-growth" - which requires a look in the mirror ;-)

And I'll admit, I was disappointed when I read this my friend:

"while I could see her in three weeks at a board meeting for an organization we are both involved in..I'm not sure I am going to continue with that. . .And I'm not sure if I want to become "that" guy...a person that will do anything to run into a girl. So...that changes the dynamic a bit."

It does appear slightly as if you're bailing now that you realize this may require work and effort over the course of several weeks, instead of happening instantly. And it does appear that you're attempting to find ways to circumvent the lengthy process of "proving" yourself to her here by bailing on the project, which then provides a reason (excuse) to attempt to control this and speed things up by using that as a reason to move things along at the pace YOU prefer instead.

Does that make sense? I hope I'm explaining it clearly.

Because if you think of this from a woman's standpoint and what makes WOMEN HAPPY, you'll realize that this:

"that" guy...a person that will do anything to run into a girl."

Is PRECISELY what makes a woman HAPPY, makes her feel VALUABLE, makes her feel SPECIAL and causes her to ADMIRE a man. Displays of courage, confidence, security and leadership are INCREDIBLY IMPRESSIVE to women. I can't stress that enough. The reason men are resorting to manipulation tactics when dating (I'm not pointing a finger directly at you, but more-so many men these days), is because they're unable to impress women and instead, disappoint by running away, playing manipulation games and taking passive (feminine) routes and tactics into play when dating instead. Saying things like, "Call me" and inviting women to actually LEAD the relationship somewhere. Requiring WOMEN to work and lead instead, while the men sit back passively (feminine) and permit themselves to be pursued (playing the female role).

I'm simply sharing that dynamic and concept above because I see it day in, day out on this site and I see, first hand, how truly disappointing it is to women that modern men are willfully choosing to behave in feminine, passive ways when dating.

So take it simply as some "food for thought" here :-) Read the comments on this post:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/06/disappearing-reappearing-man-what-to-do.html

For a better understanding of the concept I'm attempting to share here. Hundreds of women are experiencing men that lack leadership skills, confidence and courage - and they're all very disappointed.

Cont. . .; June 8, 2013 at 12:58 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: And THAT'S "the guy" you should really avoid being :-) Because as Peter stated, the worst that can happen is - she isn't interested. This won't kill you, it'll only make you stronger and strive to do it right and/or better the first time around next time. In otherwords, there's "opportunity" in failure. Opportunity for self-growth, self-actualization, self-awareness. And if you take it as such, it will help you to become the best man you can be - which will draw women to you in leaps and bounds.

When a woman senses confidence and leadership in a man - it acts like a natural aphrodisiac ;-) And that's the message Peter is sharing here with you.

So don't let this steer the wheel here:

"worried I could fade away from her memory."

That's insecurity and fear. If you let that guide you, it won't lead to success in this case or any other. And the way to NOT fade from her memory - is to IMPRESS her - make an impression that sticks with her ;-)

I wouldn't suggest that you leave this board at this point in time because frankly - that's your "in" here, to be near her, converse with her, see her, etc. It's an "opportunity" and you're considering letting it pass you by, which I wouldn't advise.

My suggestion would be to use this opportunity to your advantage, take a chance here, be realistic about the possibility that failure may be a result, be okay with that, follow your gut instincts, read and observe her behavior, seek "green lights" from her and show her what you've got to offer her, impress her with your "stick-to-it-ness" and your drive and determination to win her over, and take repeated actions to deliver that message to her over a period of time until she becomes comfortable with you in her life again on some level.

And if that fails, it's okay. At least you'll know you've done everything you could and that you were the best man you could've been upon resurfacing in her life and that you gave it your all.

Life happens outside of our comfort zones :-) That's where the magic is.

There's a great line in a movie titled, "Hope Springs" where Steve Carell says to Tommy Lee Jones, "You have to ask yourself, have I done all that I could?"

http://youtu.be/-s22_Mvikl8

And I think that's the message that Peter is attempting to share with you :-); June 8, 2013 at 12:59 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you MOA and Peter. Don't worry...I am fine with tough love. I know Peter is only trying to help. I am not offended at all. I am not a quitter...so I will stay involved with the board...she did seem a genuinely disappointed when I told her I might not continue with it....please don't kill me Peter for looking for things that aren't there...lol. And I am not afraid to fail....its an important part of life. I just feel like I am back in her life (in some way)...and I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize any progress I have made...like I said I am not always patient....and I know the journey is a long one. But my impatience has caused problems in the past. My biggest problem is that I didn't find you guys earlier. Instead I listened to my friends who said "she dumped you so she should have to be the one to initiate." As a result, I'm doing my best to right the ship (as best I can) with your guidance. I'm sorry if I seem "weak"...but I'm not. I have no problem meeting women. I have dated several girl since the ex dumped me...I tried to move on....it just hasn't worked out the way I thought it would. I can't do anything about the past...but I'm ready to do all I can now....thanks to people like MOA, CW and Peter.; June 8, 2013 at 2:06 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Male,
Good for YOU! I am very pleased to see your reaction to Peter's comments and insights. And I think even you, yourself, may realize it's an area for potential problems, "my impatience has caused problems in the past."

The fact that you recognize that and can relate it to the message that Peter is attempting to share with you and you can admit it's an area that may need some focus and additional work - speaks a lot to your character. You handled the information maturely and you connected with the message - both good things.

"I listened to my friends who said "she dumped you so she should have to be the one to initiate."

I understand this and I often tell women here that your friends mean well and most likely, have good intentions. However, the reality is that they are clearly not well versed in the ways of women, nor are they focused at all on what makes women happy. They're more focused on the impression that that may make on others (other men, ridicule, etc.) as opposed to the end result and end goal - which is to get the girl, potentially by any means necessary (of a positive nature, of course).

"I'm sorry if I seem "weak"...but I'm not."

I don't necessarily see it as you being weak, but more so see it as symptomatic of the negative influence your friends are having with their misguided views. It's a conundrum many men face - their gut tells them to go for it and be a man, take a risk and face the possibility of failure head on - but their male friends ridicule them for showing sensitivity on some level, as if being human is a bad thing or something.

And it might help to look at it like this, because this is the lens I always see this type of thing through - feminine versus masculine "energy." It's the "energy" exchange her that women pick up on and men fail to see.

When a man behaves passively and expects or feels entitled to have a woman chase and pursue HIM, instead of the other way around, effectively - they're emitting feminine "energy" in their passivity and the passive role they choose to assume.

The reality is that masculine "energy" is that of risk taking, leadership, a non-wavering stance, confidence in that stance even in the face of ridicule and adversity, determination and a strong desire to prove themselves a winner.

Cont. . .; June 8, 2013 at 4:53 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Women can smell that on men if you know what I mean - women have a very keen, primal sense of masculine energy. And they'll give a man who fakes that a whirl - but when the going gets rough and he bails and takes the passive role, all he does is effectively turn the woman off to him because at that point, he's begun emitting feminine energy that the woman senses. This disappoints the woman and as a result, most men with that attitude have a slew of so-called "relationships" that last approximately two weeks to one month - maybe two at most, before things implode. And even though the woman may return for seconds, at some point in the very near future, the nagging will begin and so will the insecurity display and she'll begin to question the man's behavior. She'll want to know why he doesn't put her first (make her feel special), she'll want to know why he hasn't called (isn't making time for her), she'll want to know what's going on in his head (is he genuinely interested) and she'll start asking about where she stands with the man (because he's not behaving in a masculine leading way that instinctually signals to her where she stands).

At their core, I believe woman truly do want to submit to a man to a certain extent. But they want their man to be a real man before doing so.

So basically, when those questions start to flow, it should signal to the man that he's failing at being the man - failing at being the man she needs, the leader she needs, and a guy she can feel comfortable submitting to.

Those questions don't take place because women are crazy - they generally take place because the woman is sensing a lack of masculinity in the male. . .and that's her way of questioning it. In a sense, she's "testing" him to see what he's really made of. And if that means she has to back him into a corner to find out. . .that's exactly what she'll do.

A man who is a good leader, exhibits masculine energy and is a true man - will never be faced by a slew of those types of questions from a woman - because his woman will instinctually know exactly where she stands with him because his overall behavior will signal this to her. As a result, there's no need to ask.

Men who are constantly being faced with "crazy" lady syndrome - are failing with women. The questions are a symptom of the problem - and the problem is that those men are not signaling masculinity or leadership to the woman in any way. Hence her need to dig for the answers, back him into a corner and force it out of him.; June 8, 2013 at 4:53 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Male,
One additional thought I'd like to share with you about this:

"I listened to my friends who said "she dumped you so she should have to be the one to initiate."

A lot of times, women do that, they will walk away disappointed - but secretly - they WANT the man to PURSUE them. And when he doesn't, he disappoints yet again.

Think about that. . .it's a common theme you see in Hollywood movies too. Boy and girl meet, boy kinda blew it in some fashion, girl walks away sad and disappointed, boy doesn't give up and pursues the woman with an apology and a desire to "talk" (signaling she's important to him and he's willing to work at this), and girl give boy a second chance and they live happily ever after.

This need from a woman to have a real man by her side is what many modern day men fail to realize. And sometimes, when a woman walks away, she secretly wishes the man would come back - much like Prince Charming - and confess his true feelings to her and attempt to win her over ;-)

And if you read the comments on this site, you'll see literally hundreds of women (some have walked away, some have been walked out on) - secretly wishing and waiting for the man to come back - but for him to return "straight up" with her the second time around.; June 8, 2013 at 5:20 PM
Anonymous said...: I agree MOA.....I actually look to all of these Hollywood movies for inspiration...I think it would be so cool to win a woman over by fighting for her. I won't lie to you....I honestly thought this girl might be the one. I didn't date her super long...but I just had a very different feeling about her from the get go. She was/is everything I ever wanted. And it wasn't all about looks. Sure she is pretty...but I liked her for her values and her personality first...that's what made her truly beautiful to me. I knew something didn't add up when she broke it off with me. Yet because of how special I thought she was..I backed off because I didn't want to be seen as weak (that's all I kept getting for advice). I look back on things and I think she did give me an opening to pursue her (via Facebook). But I was told that she should make the first move. Even though I have met and dated some great girls since...I have literally cried myself to sleep some nights over not taking that opening to win her back. When I see her now...I actually feel that I owe her an apology for not fighting for her. I know I can be happy going forward with somebody else...but I don't think I will be really happy without her. When you get into your 30s you pretty much know what you want and what does it for you. I'm willing to work my ass off to get her back....but I just worry that I have missed my window. In 20 years I really hope I'm not that guy sitting at the bar complaining about the one who got away. And while I do believe that special people are placed in our lives....I think it is up to us to work to make the true magic happen. I know one thing...if I ever get a chance with this girl again I will never ever take her for granted for one single second of the day. I just wish there was a way I could tell her this.; June 8, 2013 at 7:33 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Male,
Stay the course my friend and the universe may present the opportunity for you to tell her all that you've just said.

And if you've stayed the course and it doesn't present that opportunity, then at that point, you take a risk and you use your free will to CREATE an opportunity for yourself ;-); June 9, 2013 at 9:23 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks for the reinforcement MOA. I am willing to stay the course. I re-read your previous post of June 8, 2013 at 4:53 and realized that sums me up. While I always give tons of attention to the girls I date and always make sure they are a top priority, I do see where I may be emitting feminine energy. I guess in trying to make them happy I sometimes let them call the shots. I am extremely easy going in life and while this is usually a positive... it definitely hurts in dating. In the case with this girl I honestly tried my best to lead...but she was so impulsive it was difficult to get her to agree to anything without her constantly changing her mind. I actually thought this behavior was fun and refreshing. It was nice doing things on a whim. But obviously I should have found a way to be more in charge (without being an asshole about it). So...if I was too passive or feminine around her...how can I convey that I have/can change to her? I don't see how I can accomplish this by seeing her every few weeks. Don't get me wrong...I'm not trying to be impatient and do things at my pace. Short of actually telling her that I am new and improved, how should I go about doing this? I really want to convince this girl that I still have all the things she liked, but have improved a lot in other areas. And to a previous point that Peter made...I don't see myself as being arrogant or superior to this girl...its actually the complete opposite. I would be extremely humbled to have another shot. I just want to make sure that the work I am putting in is the right type of work.; June 9, 2013 at 1:52 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Anonymous Male,
Your last post is so sweet. You have a lot of people here hoping you get your chance... I am sure the universe will feel it. ;); June 9, 2013 at 6:08 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Male,
The best way to convey a change would be to do the opposite of whatever it was that you felt may have been transmitting feminine energy. Instead of asking a question, make a statement. For example, instead of asking her to call (if it ever reaches that point again), you state that you're going to call her. One is passive (asking), one is leading and "take charge" declaration (a statement).

And no, this isn't something you'll be able to do effectively by seeing her every few weeks. This is something that would have to be done when dating. So that's something for further on down the line. Right now, you're still attempting to get back in the door.

But in the meantime, you can still use this "question versus statement" aspect in front of her during your meetings. You can use that tactic when negotiating with the others there (but don't be rude about it). So instead of saying something like, "Don't you think we should. ." (passive) you instead say, "I think we should. ." (assertive).

And as far as Peter's superiority statement, I think I can explain what he meant. Many men, without ever realizing it, project superiority over women. It's an attitude that exists and many times, they don't even realize how it comes across. It's akin to entitlement. It's like, "I'm too good to look weak, therefore, I won't pursue you, YOU have to pursue ME - because I'm the better one here and I won't stoop to the weak level of pursuit or showing feelings or sensitivity."

And when men act entitled in such a way, women pick up on it and it makes them feel worthless and valueless to the man - because he'll barely lift a finger for her and even when he does, many times she has to beg and/or nag in order for that to actually happen. And when the superior man actually does give a little, he's so worried he'll appear weaker than her that he'll toss in something like, "there, are you happy now" after he actually gives in to one teensy thing that makes the woman happy.

It's basically an air of "I'm too cool for school" type of thing. It's like a man secretly says to himself, "I won't go out of my way here, I won't do anything that makes me uncomfortable or appear weak, I won't show sensitivity because I'm not a pussy, I won't do anything that threatens my superiority over her in any way that places her wishes and desires above mine, and puts me in the inferior position."

Cont. . .; June 10, 2013 at 9:03 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: It's basically an attitude that's emitted and many times, as I said, men don't even realize they do this or how it comes across. Macho men, in particular, are incredibly guilty of this behavior with women. Because they're so worried about appearing weak to others, that they're actually basically a dick to the woman they date. They kinda' use her as an excuse to beat their chests. Everything she asks for, they have an excuse not to do or provide her with and each reason for not doing so, is all about their appearance to others (other men usually) - is all about not looking weak (to other men).

So without even realizing it, because they're so focused on the other men around them (not appearing weak) instead of the woman they're dating - they project superiority over the woman with all of the "I will not do this or that" for you. It's the male version of a Diva basically (again, feminine energy).

So instead of projecting an air of "I will do anything for you" to the woman, it is the opposite that's projected, "I won't do anything for you" - because I'm superior to you, therefore, I won't stoop to make you happy because I'm worried about how this will look to others (other men).

And I think Peter sensed that when you were wavering on quitting the project because you didn't want to be "that" guy - the guy that does anything for the girl. And instead, you were wavering with the idea that that was too much work and would show too much weakness.

So instead of putting her first, you were putting yourself first and felt it was kinda' beneath you (superiority) - to pursue her in that manner.; June 10, 2013 at 9:03 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks for the clarification MOA. I spent most of the weekend thinking about what you and Peter have been saying. I think Peter may be correct in that I am reading too much into things. When I look objectively at things, I don't think I have seen any green lights. We did exchange text messages on Thursday about the work meeting(I realize now that I never mentioned this in my previous posts). On Sunday afternoon (June 9..4pm), I had to make an unexpected stop for work in the city where she lives. Since she likes to spend time at the Barnes and Nobles in this area, I decided to text her to see if she wanted to join me there. I never heard back. I guess I jumped the gun too much, but I felt it was worth a shot. Don't worry, I have no plans to give up on this girl. I'm treating this as a minor setback. But....I am starting to have some doubts. I realize I may have ignored your advice, but I wanted to at least show her a little interest. I guess I am struggling trying to find a happy medium between Peter's advice (of go for it) and your advice (of stay the course). I know girls like it when you let them know you are thinking of them...so I at least wanted to give her that. It's just so hard for me...because I want to tell her everything I am feeling and that there is nothing I won't do to fight for her, but I also know that there is a right time and a right place for everything. Is it wrong to let a girl know that you are interested and that now you are prepared to battle hard for her? I guess that would be a combo of yours and Peter's advice. Whether it is with this girl or someone else, I know that nothing worthwhile is ever easily achieved. So, I will never give up without trying everything. I just wish she knew this.; June 10, 2013 at 1:59 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Male,
Well yea, you did jump the gun there with that invitation and most likely because it caught her off guard. Something like this has to be done in stages:

1) Get her comfortable with the idea of you being in her life again.

2) Observe silently and wait for "green lights" before proceeding.

3) If green lights are received, proceed. If they are not, stay the course for a while and see if they'll be given at a later date and time, once you've invested a bit of work and effort into making her comfortable around you again.

I understand what you were attempting to do here and I admire your willingness to take a risk there. However, you skipped steps one and two above and went right to step 3, LOL ;-)

But I wouldn't consider this a failure, it's a learning experience and that's a positive thing. It will also get you used to experiencing setbacks once in a while, which is a part of life that we all experience, man or woman.

So there are good things here:

1) You took a risk.

2) You accepted that it didn't payoff.

3) In spite of the setback, you've maintained your desire to continue trying to win her over.

As much as your male friends may consider the above 3 items I've just shared as "failures" or "weak" - as a woman, I do not see it that way.

It requires STRENGTH (a masculine trait) to take a risk. It requires dignity to accept defeat (a gentleman's traits). And it requires determination (a masculine leadership trait) to stay the course.

So as a woman, those are 3 scores in my eyes. The end result may or may not be one of success, but as a man, you were willing to take that risk - one of win or lose - and you accepted it with dignity.

I'd let this ruminate a bit with her and I wouldn't reach out again until the next meeting. At that meeting, I wouldn't act any different and I wouldn't come on too strong. I'd simply be myself, be warm, be engaging, be funny and happy and generally, be enjoyable to be around. And I'd look for green lights or any possible changes in HER behavior after receiving this text. Is she making eye contact or avoiding it? Is she seating herself near you and/or away from you if given a choice where to sit during these meetings? Is she comfortable in your presence or has this text made her noticeably uncomfortable now?

Look for those indicators and they will tell you how to proceed ;-)

And if it doesn't work with this one, that's okay. That's perfectly fine. You've learned a valuable lesson, you should feel good about your confidence and your ability to take a risk, you now know that you have what it takes to do that and that you have what it takes to experience any setbacks maturely that may result, and you can take what you've learned and then apply it to the next woman that enters your life :-)

Just be very mindful of your need to do it "your" way, which reared itself this weekend, LOL. If you pull back, you'll see a pattern here:

1) You were going to bail on this project to sort of circumvent working at this for a few weeks before making a move (you wanted to bail to have an excuse to make early contact to speed things up so that they're moving along at YOUR pace, instead of the slow pace she may need to feel comfortable with an advance from you).

2) In spite of the fact that you decided to stay the course with the project, you did not stay the course with putting work and effort into making her comfortable prior to an advance (you circumvented the process and jumped the gun).

So there is a theme here, a pattern if you will, of you wanting and needing strongly to do things YOUR way, instead of setting YOUR needs aside and focusing on HER needs instead.

Just some food for thought ;-); June 10, 2013 at 2:36 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Male,
I should've clarified as well that both Peter and I feel you should "go for it" - but the timing is the issue. He was instructing you to "take action" with regards to not bailing and staying the course to prove yourself to her. The form of action I believe he meant in his "go for it" meant for you to "go for it" by staying the course, and go for it by not bailing.

I was saying the same and impressing that timing was going to be the obstacle to overcome here when doing so. Meaning, continue to move forward (go for it) but do so while observing her behavior and waiting for the right moment (stay the course) :-); June 10, 2013 at 2:44 PM
CrystalWaters said...: Hello @AnoymousMale and @Mirror

Just caught up on the last few days of dialogue. Boy, you guys have been busy! We have a man chomping at the bit, and a woman holding the reigns directing him to go steady but in the same direction.

Mirror is right to say hold back until the next meeting and assess the scene.
Then check back to update and get the latest relevant bespoke advice.

I feel at some point soon, within the next month or several months, you may, AnonymousMale be making that "I'm sorry" speech.... Then again, she ended it with you so you don't really have too much to be sorry about. "Sorry that when you dumped me and I didn't chase you back?" Hmmm. It could work, but, let's see how this next meeting goes.

I'm not going to say much more as this has become a waiting game now to see how the next time you see her goes. It's not over yet though that's for sure and could still go places.

Oh and Mirror, your crazy lady post was poignant and insightful. Great work (as usual).; June 10, 2013 at 4:01 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Male,
I heard this on the radio today and thought maybe you could relate to the lyrics and find some solace. It appears Bob Seger had his eye on a dancer down on Main Street that he went to lengths to observe and be near - in other words - he was "that guy" ;-)

http://youtu.be/jSllNKhzKx8

Maybe he didn't get the girl down on Main Street, who knows. But what we do know is that Bob Seger was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2004 and the Songwriters Hall of Fame in 2012 - success :-); June 10, 2013 at 4:12 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "Sorry that when you dumped me I didn't chase you back"

I think in this case it'd be more along the lines of, "Sorry I wasn't the man you needed me to be at that time."

That's the concept I'm attempting to share - one of masculinity and that of being man enough to set aside your own needs to focus on fulfillment of the woman's needs (given that you're genuinely interested as man enough to do so), regardless of what others (other men generally) think ;-)

And I think Anonymous Male understands that as he's already confessed that he instinctually felt he disappointed her in some slight manner by not doing that when she might have given him an opening to do so via Facebook.; June 10, 2013 at 4:19 PM
CrystalWaters said...: Good stuff, gotcha.; June 10, 2013 at 4:54 PM
Anonymous said...: Good to see you are back crystal waters! Part of my "feminine problem" is that I overanalyze everything...my overactive mind is my worst enemy. I am not ashamed to admit that that is a major insecurity of mine. It is a product of some awful women I have dated in the past. This is why I sympathize with the ladies who are branded as crazy or whack jobs only because someone treated them like crap in the past. When someone you love manipulates you and deceives you it creates emotional baggage...whether you are a Guy or a gal. Trust me...I'm not using this as an excuse as to why I jumped the gun here...just wanted to give you some insight....this is why I need so much damn advice from you guys..LOL.To both of your points regarding the I'm sorry speech...I have always felt that my situation with the ex will/would come down to this. I can only show her so much in the hour or so I get with her every month or so. Knowing this makes it more difficult to sit back and relax. Sure I wanted to show the ex some interest, but I was also hoping it would lead to my speech. I guess I just hate that someone I care about is walking around with an outdated impression of me. Of course at the end of the day its my fault she has that. I didn't do enough to show her that I cared when she left. And that feeling of hurt clouds my judgement and keeps me from following good advice. Honestly MOA, I don't think I have gotten many if any green lights...but I think that is because the ex assumes I'm still the same person. I think she is pretty comfortable around me which is good....but that's where it ends. And while I understand where you say that she will see that I have changed if I get to date her again...I'm afraid she won't give me a shot based on who she thinks I still am.; June 10, 2013 at 6:09 PM
CrystalWaters said...: Hi Anonymous Male,

"I overanalyse everything"

What is your day and month of birth out of interest? Or just star sign?

You know you split up after you two got under the sheets. There is a question I want to ask you. I think it may explain the crux of the matter. It was after you two had been in bed together for the first time it ended wasn't it?

I am not her, but, if a guy wanted me to keep going in 'that area', for me, giving a you know what to a man, is something I hold back on doing till I've known him longer as it's a gift. All women are different.

She may have thought you were hard work.

If you don't mind me asking, are you adequately average sized in that area? Again I know this is personal, but given this is the issue at hand here, I hope MOA allows us to get explore this area as we're (I'm) only trying to help..; June 11, 2013 at 3:34 PM
Anonymous said...: Chrystal Waters...I'm a scorpio. As far as the bed thing goes...to paint the entire scenario...I had made plans to have a romantic dinner at my place on Sat. night (she was very excited about this)...late Friday afternoon..she says that a friend and her were going out for drinks Friday night near my place and that she wanted me to join her, because her friend was bringing a guy she was interested in. I said sure. Friday evening..she calls me and tells me that she is packing a bag and wants to stay over at my place (her friend was going to go home with this guy apparently). When she first told me her plans to come over, I felt a little weirded out...not that I didn't want her to come over, but right from the get go she had been very clear about wanting to take things very slow in the bedroom. I actually liked hearing that because I am the same way. I like to enjoy all the little things in dating..there is always time for that other stuff later (I had previously told her that and she said that she was so happy to hear that because she felt the same way). So when she said she wanted to come over I was a little shocked. Anyway, I wanted to make sure my place was immaculate so I told her I had to clean the place before I met up with her that night. Well, I never made it out (I cut my leg pretty bad throwing out some garbage). When I told her what happened she told me to stay there and she would come over. When she arrived, she wanted to see my leg. At that point I realized that she didn't believe me (she later told me that her friend told her that this was an excuse to keep from meeting up). Anyway, she got pretty aggressive and we started making out and wanted to take off my pants. I was actually surprised and I knew what would happen if we kept going. As a guy , I know it is up to me to control the physical and I didn't want to have sex too soon and possibly ruin things...So I convinced her that we needed to slow things down. We went to bed and in the morning she came at me again. Since I didn't want her to think that I was gay or afraid of intimacy...I obliged.; June 12, 2013 at 11:01 AM
Anonymous said...: continued...

But in my mind I still didn't think we should be having sex (tbh, I don't think she was planning on sex, but I wanted to be careful...I've seen girls bail after being intimate with guys before they are emotionally ready)...plus her actions and what she had been telling me up to this point did not gell (it took me being with her three times before she let me give her a real kiss). She started going for my area...but since I honestly believe in taking care of the woman first...I flipped her over slowly and made my way down on her. I was very sure to go slowly and notice if she was giving me any signs to stop...she didn't. But.. when I got her naked, I could see a very awkward almost embarrassed look on her face. Not that it mattered to me...but I did notice that her body "structure" was a little different down there than other girls I had been with. Anyway... I took care of her for 30+ minutes...and while she enjoyed it...I could tell that she wasn't fully relaxed...seemed tense. I stopped only when she pulled me up. I kissed her and she told me I was amazing. When it was her turn...I warned her that this was going to take a very long time...she said that was ok. But after 5-10 minutes she stopped. Now that I think about it, I believe I joked..."that's it?" She said she was tired...but I told her not to worry about it...and then went into details about the stamina and how tough it is for me to get fulfilled via that type of stuff. I also said it is a huge benefit for sex though. She seemed to understand...she complimented me on my body...I thanked her and told her that she had the most amazing body I had ever seen. But then she started pointing out that she had cellulite on her butt (she is 5'6 100lbs) and that one of her legs is shorter than the other. Again I told her she had the most amazing body I had ever seen and that I was so lucky to be with her. Looking back she was constantly pointing out her imperfections when we dated...everything from her supposed small boobs and nose job (both of which she told me about within 5 minutes on our first date) to her eyebrows and even how hairy her arms were (she bleached them)...at one point..she even told me that she was going to be fat one day...and I told her as long as she stayed cool she could get as big as she wanted..which is the truth..I even said that I love her personality and values so much that I see her physical as just an added bonus. Obviously...I could tell from the get go that she was insecure and this was just another reason why I wanted to be cautious with the sexual stuff. As for the weekend..I thought it would be romantic to get intimate after our candlelight dinner. The only thing that sticks out in memory that I really and truly feel bad about was I had to get out of bed around 11am on Sat..because my pool was overflowing. After trying to fix the problem for 20 or so minutes...I looked up to see the ex looking at me through my family room window. I quickly went inside and she seemed very quiet and distant for awhile...looking back I feel terrible that she had to wake up alone...especially after the first time we were intimate and given the complications on my end (and maybe awkwardness for her)...I regret this more than anything that happened while we were dating...we spent the rest of the day together and really did have a blast...but we were so tired we agreed to postpone the romantic dinner until the following weekend...but sadly...I never got that chance...; June 12, 2013 at 11:03 AM
Anonymous said...: continued...

As for my size...I'm a grower not a shower...lol. I know I am small when flaccid, but I am slightly over 7" when aroused. I think the average is 5 1/2..so I should be ok...lol..and I can go for hours at a time and up to 5 times a day (I'm slowing down now that I'm in my 30's..lol)..I was far from aroused when she was working on me...(also...she is very tight down there...so I wouldn't think she would want anything super big down there). I know that hindsight is 20/20...but I didn't feel the need to go into graphic details with her about my private parts...especially since she I had told her before and shown her that I was willing to go to great lengths to "take care of her".
Honestly...I have never felt the need to explain myself to any of the girls I have been with..because they have always been more than satisfied with my commitment to putting their needs ahead of mine and also my ability to last very long while having sex..(as a basic rule of thumb I will not even think about myself until they have "peaked' at least twice).

I don't know what any of the ladies think...but maybe I could have tried harder to explain things or reinforce her about the sexual stuff...maybe I shouldn't have cracked a joke...but I knew I had to say something to clear any residual tension...I was also very quick to compliment her body and her beauty...and I did so the rest of the day...I honestly though all was well...she had recently agreed to be exclusive and I figured her wanting to spend the entire day with me was a good sign.

The only other thing that I think about was that she told me early on when we were dating that she took meds for anxiety and also had a little ocd. I spent time researching that and realized how difficult it is to date with these conditions. The mind can play terrible tricks and conjur up all sorts of assumptions.

This is all the more reason that I really want to have some sort of a talk with this girl...because I just don't see how things add up to her going from being so happy with me and spending the day with me to ending it.

One final comment...the only thing that really irked me when we were dating was how she had to run everything that happened between us by her friends...she was constantly texting them and telling me what her friends thought of me and my actions.... even though I had never met the majority of them. I chalked this up to age...but now I'm not so sure...maybe it's just another aspect of her insecurity...(she was very impressionable...seemed like anyone could convince her of something if they tried hard enough)....

Long winded as usual...but since you guys have been so kind in trying to help me...I wanted to tell you as much as I can remember....
Can't wait to hear what you have to say about this:))); June 12, 2013 at 11:03 AM
Anonymous said...: One last thing...do you think that this girl thinks that somehow, someway that I rejected her?...Every girl I know is more than thrilled to hear that I would be willing take care of a girls needs without even caring so much about my own. So, I would be surprised if she was upset with me...especially since I explained my stamina issue.; June 12, 2013 at 11:08 AM
CrystalWaters said...: Hi AnonymousMale,

Well, good to hear you're above average, so we can rule that one out.

"I was far from aroused when she was working on me"

This is the issue I think. I don't know of course, but this could be it. Or, she got too intimate too soon, though I don't think it's that.

Did you get an 'e---t--n' ANY of the morning with her or just during when she was....you know what down on you?

What's your day of the month and month day? Do you have hers? I can look you two up and give you what it says.

It's a curious situation. If a guy I liked didn't get an E, then I'd be upset, but I may give it another go. Also, if you were down there for 30 minutes, it can be tiring afterwards for women to you know what on a guy...especially at the beginning before women truly let lose and get into it...which takes a longer time as women do 'it' through their hearts and emotions....with boyfriends anyway.

I dunno. I say this is the issue; but you know what, maybe it's not at all. We don't know because we are not her so don't have the full picture. :(; June 12, 2013 at 4:33 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks for the response Chrystal..
To answer your question...I did not get an "e" at all in the morning... without getting into specifics...I like more pressure....if I'm going to have sex...I like a hand much better for foreplay....i I did have a noticeable "e" the night before when we were "grinding and making out". I was so focused on making her feel good that I really didn't care about myself...and I didn't feel comfortable enough at the time to "instruct her" on technique. Remember...we had just become exclusive and we had the big dinner that night (which I figured would have more intimacy)...candlelight dinner...romantic music...I was so excited...I didn't think she would suddenly bolt if something didn't go right...again...as long as I took care of her I thought all would be OK.. in retrospect...maybe this was more important to her to take care of me...she was the agressor...maybe this was her way of taking care off me since I had been the one taking her out to nice dinners...(I think MOA wrote an article dealing with this). As I was in bed next to her...I remember thinking that I was finally letting my guard down...because I thought we were just starting something great. Now in the future....I'm going to be freaked out wondering if at any moment something could cause a girl to leave if it isn't perfect...LOL.....she seemed happy the rest of the day even talking about a wedding she wanted me to go to. But....i was a little surprised when she said she would go home in the evening and we could do dinner next week. When she called me the next day to break it off...I was so shocked I never had a chance to ask real questions as to why...just another reason why I feel like I need to talk to this girl...but as for now I will listen to MOA and you and hold off. Maybe u r right and this was the issue....maybe it was her insecurity that made her feel bad...or maybe she felt that I was going to be a problem going forward...who knows...I just hate all the uncertainty...the really sad part is that every girl I have ever had sex with has told me that I'm out of this world at it....i just wish i could have shared it with her. Curious..when you say upset...are you referring to your feelings toward the guy or being upset with yourself? Putting yourself in her shoes...how should/can I deal with this?

my birthday is Nov 3...hers is in August...I will get the exact day.; June 12, 2013 at 6:29 PM
Lovingme said...: 234 posts! That's my # Mirror. Mine will make the 235th mark. ;)

As I'm reading this, I know I screwed up royally. As I mentioned in the other article that I tapped my guy. I didn't chase him but I guess that is a form of pursuit because I took the initiative to contact him. I knew all about the consequences, but I just felt like taking a bold approach, besides I was doing a little testing. Look where that landed me...in the dog house yet again.

Yeah, I know it's my fault. I knew the rules but decided to grow some balls that day...duly noted, I nipped those balls up so they are stunted to never grow again in a scenario such as that. Such a fool I am, but...that's what I get for "tapping" feeling lonely. #HUGE ERROR. *sigh*; June 12, 2013 at 11:11 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Lovingme..it's the anonymous male (at some point I will have to pick a name..haha). I read your post and even though I don't know the whole story, I would say cut yourself some slack. If you look at my situation, I have made mistakes at every turn...yet I do my best to pick myself up off of the pavement. A friend of mine who is in the military was helping me through a tough time when I was down in the dumps about making a mistake in a relationship. I thought I had ruined everything. He asked me "do you know why the military invented all terrain vehicles? It's so that no matter how big of a ditch you are in, you can always pull yourself out." As humans, we have the power to do this in our own lives. And just because you didn't handle your situation "perfect", doesn't mean you are an automatic "failure". All of us have moments of weakness or moments of insecurity/fear (this is my problem). As long as you do your best to improve and try not to make the same mistakes continuously, that is all that you can ask for. When it comes to love, everyday can be a struggle. But that's why there are great people on this board to give you advice and pick you up when you are feeling down. As for me, things may or may not work out the way I would like...but I have found an awesome site where people genuinely care about helping each other...and for that I am truly blessed!; June 13, 2013 at 2:45 PM
CrystalWaters said...: Hi AnonymousMale aka LovingMe,

So you never got to actually make love because you didn't get an E, am I right?

Hmmmm. This must be very painful for you at times, because it is doing your head in the confusion, loss, tonnes of (wrong) advice you've had that has meant you have veered off the path of being yourself. Like your last post said though, you pick yourself up and one mistake (whatever it be) does not mean the end of anything necessarily.

Let's look at what we have learned.

If you know the rules, like the one's Mirror advocates (whose theories in some parts, have the back up one popular book out there that has sold millions in decades) then you make the mistake once, and then never again. This means you're a sorted person.

Not knowing or understanding, or repeating the same mistakes, that's not good. But one mistake, barrrr, no problem, no sweat.

Do you smoke anything or drink?

Maybe you've got it in your head the stamina thing and it's like a self fulfilling prophecy, that when you tell a girl it won't work, it does not. It emphasises the problem.

Maybe next time, if a girl tries at the beginning, just say, no I'm far more enjoying you and then ravish her and that way it will sort you out and distract from that other issue..which may in time go if you don't mention it/by later it won't matter so much as you'll already both be close and attached...; June 13, 2013 at 4:59 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Chrystal waters....I'm the anynomous male not loving me. Two different people. I wasn't planning on having sex with the girl (who is now the ex)...it was the first time being intimate and I wanted to go slow with her. My mistake was not telling her what turns me on...I guess I didn't feel comfortable doing that right out of the gate. The last relationship I was in lasted two years and we had sex on avg twice a day...I don't smoke and I don't drink much. Like I said....didn't know that this could be a make or break thing. I thought we were going to be doing the "heavy stuff" later that night...I never could have prepared for such an abrupt end to our dating. Hindsight is 20/20...but I honestly believed that as long as I took care of her needs all would be good.; June 13, 2013 at 5:55 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Anonymous Male and Ms. Mirror,

Anonymous Male: It seems to me that the reasoning behind this woman breaking up with you has recently been too focused on the sex you had. I don’t think that is the reason. You said you had a nice day afterwards, and her breaking it off came out of the blue later. I suspect it is something else. We all could take a guess, but the only way you are going to find out is to ask her. But don’t do it now. Follow Ms. Mirror’s advice and take it slow and respectful with her. Hopefully, you will someday learn the answer.

And may I also suggest for you to be sure your desire to get this lady back is because of your feelings for her, not your feelings of disappointment or confusion over her choice to end it with you.

I am getting two different vibes from your writing. One is that you really like her and her values, want her in your life and want to make her happy. (So very sweet)

The other is that she is ‘one that chose to get away’ and it is bugging the crap out of you (ego). The latter is understandable, but before you put in all this effort to win her back, please make sure it is for the right reasons. Because whatever her reason, she made a choice. If you convince her to change her mind, and she does, and then you win her back, and if the thrill then is gone and if you end it, it will take her a lot longer to recover because she is also going to be dealing with/coming to terms with not trusting her initial instinct.

I sincerely mean no disrespect to you Anonymous Male, I am just giving this a gut check.

Ms. Mirror: Reading the discussion between Crystal and Anonymous Male, to be honest, I was waiting for Peter to jump in and explain gentlemanly behavior. I wanted to jump in and ask Crystal if she realized what she was perpetuating asking about size? Instead, something held me back and I just watched.

When Anonymous told Crystal he was a Scorpio -- of course he is. (Do you know where I’m going with this?)

And when he gave his birthdate of 11-3, guess whose birthday is also 11-3? Yep, Scorpio’s.

Tonight when I wondered, “what were the odds the day of the Scorpio sign would match,” I took 1 and divided by 30 (I don’t know if that’s the right way to figure the odds, but I did it anyway) and I came up with .03333333. (Still with me?)

And then I walked downstairs to do laundry and was thinking of the’ cooking’ I shared w/ you in other message re: no drama from anyone and anywhere, and the thought came, “you are not cooking, you are cleansing.”

CLEANSING! Makes sense.

Just had to share that with you.

Sorry Crystal and Anonymous Male, my post to Ms. Mirror is not about you per se… and thank you anyways. ;); June 13, 2013 at 8:52 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50, @Anonymous Male,
Yes Gem, you picked up on the same exact thing I have picked up on here, which is why I had pulled back from the conversation and chose to observe the development of it momentarily instead (as did Peter).

The sex aspect is a shallow one - meaning, unless this ex is an extremely shallow individual that lacks true depth, I highly doubt that was the culprit here. It's deeper than that. Something DURING sex may have triggered something here in her that she picked up on, but sex/size in and of itself being the culprit isn't the issue in my opinion, unless she's incredibly shallow. And I doubt she's incredibly shallow because if she was, it would also show in her recent interactions with him - they'd be very child like, immature and full of drama in a sense when, in fact, they're the exact opposite.

Because a shallow personality will have symptoms of ego, selfishness, immaturity and the like - none of which the ex here is displaying. So to me, it's not the issue.

And I FIRMLY agree with you in that, Anonymous Male, hear Gemini's words because I too felt the same exact thing reading your last three recent comments - is this about HER - or is this about your EGO? No disrespect, just some food for thought. And the reason I say this is because there's a running theme here in your words if you pull back and look at the big picture here.

The theme I'm hearing is something along the lines of:

"I have never felt the need to explain myself to any of the girls I have been with..because they have always been more than satisfied"

"I just don't see how things add up to her going from being so happy with me and spending the day with me to ending it."

"Every girl I know is more than thrilled to hear that I would be willing take care of a girls needs without even caring so much about my own."

"I would be surprised if she was upset with me"

"I didn't think she would suddenly bolt if something didn't go right"

"as long as I took care of her I thought all would be OK"

"I'm going to be freaked out wondering if at any moment something could cause a girl to leave if it isn't perfect"

"i was a little surprised when she said she would go home in the evening"

"I was so shocked I never had a chance to ask real questions"

"every girl I have ever had sex with has told me that I'm out of this world at it....i just wish i could have shared it with her."

Again, no disrespect anonymous male, I'm doing this to drill down to a point here to help you - but I sense ego here my friend - YOURS, LOL ;-)

Women are highly skilled in picking up on ego and men are highly skilled in not recognizing it within themselves, LOL. And I believe a combination of subtle things may have signaled "ego" to her and then triggered an "insecurity" button as a result - which is what ego will do to many women. When a man talks himself up to a woman (ego), the end result is that his ego overpowers her and he basically ends up talking the woman down (makes her feel not good enough). His ego triggers her insecurity. By talking himself up bigger, the man makes the woman feel smaller. And I think this is a dynamic possibly in play here.

Cont. . .; June 14, 2013 at 8:52 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: And I think that once she sensed ego here, it triggered some insecurity, gave her the impression of a "player" - and she ran. Your focus on her physical appearance and attributes afterwards as well, even with good intention, probably had the reverse effect because players focus on the physical. So all it did was reinforce "player" to her.

And once she ran, your ego may have kicked in again in that - now it's a chase. Now it's a challenge and now, it's important to you to find out why you were rejected because it appears that in the past, this hasn't happened often. And the combination of all of that is making her "unique" to you and now, you're curious. Curious about why and how this woman could possibly not be interested in you, again a signal that this could be ego drive interest as opposed to genuinely driven interest.

In many ways, I'm getting that this is more about YOU (ego) and less and less about HER (genuine interest). Does that make sense?

And here's why I say that. You wanted a second shot at this bad - real bad. You did some research, which brought you here, you asked for female input and you've stuck around trying to grasp insights. So this was important to you. She was important to you and you wanted to make sure you handled everything just right and didn't blow it the second time around, which is admirable.

However, your ego was kicking up and refusing to take it at a slow pace - rather - it wanted things at YOUR pace while giving little thought to her needs of timing here.

So you wanted this bad, real bad. And you didn't want to blow it and you wanted to get everything just right upon taking a second shot with this new return. So what do you do when you get that BIG CHANCE at a second shot here to impress her and win her back?

You invite her to hook up with you at a bookstore :-(

Again, no disrespect my friend, but that's not impressive - it reeks of "player" moves. Very little effort, very little thought, nothing special and no "genuine" feel to it.

Upon a return and a second shot like this, it should've been no less than dinner out at a nice restaurant, flowers, special treatment and sincerity. It should've all been thought out and planned around her down to a T.

You got ONE CHANCE at this bud, one chance at a second shot at this. . .and the best you could come up with was a last minute invitation to simply hook up at a book store???

I'm sorry my friend, but that doesn't signal genuinely interested gentleman to a woman at all. Rather, it signals a half-hearted effort from a player :-(

I don't want to come at you too hard here, I think that's enough for you to think on for the time being. You don't have to agree with me. I only ask that you give that some real thought is all. So think on it and see if you can relate. I hope it helps.; June 14, 2013 at 8:52 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
Yes, I hear you on the "cleansing" thing regarding your personal situation ;-); June 14, 2013 at 9:12 AM
Anonymous said...: Hey Guys.....It's the anonymous male here. First off...I am not a player...never have been. I had my first serious girlfriend in college. And she tried to break up with me fairly early on but wouldn't tell me why. I finally discovered that she was a virgin and didn't believe in premarital sex. She thought that I wouldn't understand so she tried to pushing me away. I remember saying "that being in love with her was all that mattered to me and that as long as I could hold her every night that I didn't need anything else". We stayed together for 2 years....that should tell you all you need to know about my character...not trying to sound arrogant here..just trying to give you a representation of who I am.

I understand and appreciate everyone's comments. As for the ego...I am not trying to win this girl back just because I was dumped. In my mind she is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me and to be honest it scares the living shit out of me. Not because of my feelings, but because I over analyze everything I am doing. I have always been told that I show my feelings to early. And that girls see me as weak and not a challenge. When in reality, I am only being honest. If a girl looks nice, I tell her. If I am enjoying my time with her, I tell her. I don't overdo it, I just believe in being open and genuine. The statements I made that you referenced above under the heading of "The theme I'm hearing is something along the lines of:" is just me trying to think out loud and make sense of everything. As I have mentioned before, I am extremely humble. Trying to get her back has nothing to do with my EGO or trying to prove something. This is only about humility and trying to win back the best thing that has ever happened to me.

But...that doesn't mean that things could have been perceived differently by her. When I met her, the reason that she wanted someone older was because she found that guys her age (late 20's) were players and she was tired of games. And she did make player comments about many guys that we both knew (even though these guys weren't). So looking back on this and based on what you are saying, maybe she was a tad hung up on this and had been hurt this way before. Come to think of it...there is one conversation that now sticks out. She was talking about guys being players...and "I told her that it's true that I could pick up a girl at a bar on any given night if I wanted to...but that doesn't do it for me...what does it for me is finding a real connection with a special girl like you." All I was trying to do here was make her see that I didn't care about hooking up...I wanted something real with someone special. I'm trying my best to think back...and this is all that I can come up with that may support your theory on me giving off the EGO vibe. As for the rest of our time together...I tried to be confident around her (didn't want to be perceived as weak...I have been called too nice in the past). Maybe this could have had a reverse effect...not sure.

Regarding my "perceived fixation" on her physical, I told her very early on that the reason I like her was because of her personality and values and that her physical appearance was just a bonus. One time she told me she was going to be a "fat latina one day," I told her "that as long as she stayed cool, she could get a big as she wanted". The reason I focused on complimenting her physical appearance and focused on that in the poem was because she was always pointing out her physical defects to me (in reality there weren't any). It never occurred to me that this would have a reverse effect. I just wanted her to feel good about herself and know that I thought she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.; June 14, 2013 at 11:34 AM
Anonymous said...: continued.....Now...you have given me some wonderful advice and I am very grateful. However, the difficulty with advice is that on paper it all makes sense, but each of us has "stuff" going on inside that makes it difficult at times to follow good suggestions. For me...I am terribly afraid (insecurity) that this girl will find someone else if I don't show some interest (unfortunately, this has happened to me with other girls in the past). The reason I suggested the bookstore, was 1) I thought it would be a very low pressure environment (ala your suggestion to invite her to coffee down the road) and 2) she loves to read, as do I, so I thought it would be a nice reminder of something we have in common 3)and above all, I wanted to show her I was thinking of her

I totally understand what you are saying and am trying to see how this looks from another point of view. But honestly....I am doing the best I can. I didn't want to scare her away by coming on too strong, but I also didn't want her to think that I was only interested in her for work reasons. For me, the sun rises and sets with this girl. Every night I pray that if God would just warm this girl's heart towards me I would never ask him for anything again as long as I live. If it meant giving away all of my earthly possessions just to hold her in my arms for five more minutes, I would gladly do so. All I want is the ability to tell her this. If the only option I have left is to dress up in a chicken suit and go to her place of work with 4 dozen red roses... I will do so. In short, I am willing to risk permanent humiliation to let this girl know that she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm sorry MOA if you think I don't have the balls or the ability to fight for her the "right way"....but I do...it's just that I'm not only battling for her, but I am battling with my own insecurity as well.

Peter was dead on when he said that "I don't deserve this girl,"...he's 100% right...she's too good for me...but it doesn't mean that I don't want her in my life, it doesn't mean that I am going to stop caring about her and it doesn't mean that I will stop fighting for her. To quote Steve Carrell in "Crazy, Stupid Love" when he is talking about his struggles in his marriage and trying to reconcile with his wife (his wife had an affair)and addressing his son about this..."I don't know if it's gonna work out, I don't know what's gonna happen.I'm sorry, Robbie (son). I can't give you that. But I can promise you this, I will never stop trying. Because when you find the one, you never give up."

That's the only promise that I can make to any of you that have read my posts and been kind enough to give me your advice..........I will never give up.

The question is...Where do I go from here?; June 14, 2013 at 11:34 AM
Anonymous said...: continued....by the way...I would be happy to share my poem with guys if you think that would provide you with further insight...her only response to my writing was defriending me from facebook...I didn't find it to be over the top (I didn't post it publicly on there); June 14, 2013 at 11:50 AM
CrystalWaters said...: Hi Mirror, AnonymousMale (Mr Scorpio) and all and Gemini50,

Wow we all have been busy on this!

I know I mentioned the size, and whilst that is a very small possibility it was that or to do with the other fact regarding a non E, there was a small chance it could have been either.

I know someone who ran a mile when the guy pulled out a thimble and left! I couldn't believe she ran when she told me and didn't just lie next to him as I would have been afraid of hurting his feelings. Many guys might not fancy me or someone else for XYZ reason and people have their 'definite criteria's' that a partner must meet. It might sound shallow, but it's also nature taking over in some cases, other times not so much.

Also, I know another girl who slept in the bed with a guy that she didn't fancy for XYZ reasons when they got naked together, but couldn't be so awful to tell him or hurt his feelings so she pretended with him in the morning over breakfast and stayed for a while longer till she made excuses to leave at noon.

I too, ended a relationship with a man who loved me, because I just couldn't BEAR having sxe with him anymore. Fortunately for me, he is THE only guy I've felt like that with.

Had my ex and I had an issue about our personality, or something that was rectifiable in that aspect, I would have owrked at it, but the physical was just something I knew could never be changed so I worked out there were unsurmountable differences.

So, there/is was a SMALL chance in Mr Scorpio's situation, it could have been related to the two sxual aspects mentioned above.

Also, Mirror has now identified AnonymousMale as a possible player, player equates to something to do with sXe, so again, I COULD (or might still be0 have been on the right path in some ways. As I also said, I very much might not.

I personally didn't pick Mr Scorpio up as a player. But then Mirror analysed it and now the jury is out. He may not be a player, but perhaps his words and actions have been. I personally don't want to go down the player route in this particular message I'm writing as my personal opinion hadn't thought he was. Sometimes we add to a debate, other times we listen. Regarding whether I think he is, I will listen to others say regarding that.

Regarding the star sign thing and dates, it's because of the book both Mirror and I have, and I personally find it spot on analysing two dates, so was going to take a look at what it said, for him.

I also can totally empathise that when you get dumped, with no explanation, no proper one, one is bound to be curious if you enjoyed your time with them and really like them. It will make you try harder.

I dunno....if things worked out within the next few weeks for Mr Scorpio and the girl...I personally would ask if it was XYZ why she ended it... then there is more chance of getting to the truth.

Whilst the bookstore thing wasn't great, I can see why he did it as he didn't want to go full blown on romance yet in case he scared her off. But I can also see Mirrror's point on what it could show (lack of effort etc)

I think we are exploring this and all opinions are valid. That's a good thing.; June 14, 2013 at 3:57 PM
Anonymous said...: @Anonymous male
I´ve read your posts and let me express my opinion: I think you are right when you say you are overanalysing things. Isn´t this the main reason why girls leave you? Perhaps they sense you have a difficult personality. It isn´t bad at all, everybody has some traits, but perhaps the reason here is you haven´t met the right girl yet, what do you think? Perhaps instead of anaalysing everything over and over again you could meet some other girls and see what will happen... I am sure you will disagree but it´s worth a try. Because from what I´ve read I sense that you pick girls for whom it is necessary to fight, fight and fight. And although it admirable when a man fights to win a woman over, too much of anything isn´t good, I guess.; June 14, 2013 at 4:32 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks for the responses....even if things don't work out with this girl I feel that I have the ability to grow as a person because of everyone's comments and insight. Chrystal...anything is possible regarding the sexual stuff . Although its never been an issue in the past. Maybe in the future I should use viagra or something if it speeds up the readying process. But again...every other girl I have been with has enjoyed the foreplay process... as for anonymous' comments...I only overanalyze things after they have ended. When I'm with someone I am too busy enjoying things to think too deeply. Maybe in the future I need to be more aware.

As for the player comment....I would not lie to you guys. I have not had a one night stand in over 10 years. I just don't feel right leading someone on and playing with their feelings. However...I do have certain characteristics that a player would have. I am extremely outward going, I have a good personality and I enjoy making people laugh. I also say some suggestive stuff (only to girls I know), but only in a very humourous way (never said this to anyone in front if her)....the one thing that I can't seem to shake is the poem issue. This girl is a self described hopeless romantic who loves flowers, candlelight dunners and poetry. Yet when I sent her the poem she gave me no response other than defriending me on Facebook. Every girl I asked about this....hypothetically (I didn't tell them that I did this)...said that even if they didn't like the guy they would at least acknowledge the effort. And thank him for the attempt...unless of course the poem was freaky or weird....I'm pretty sure mine was not. I showed it to a few girls after I sent it and they loved it......the other thing that stands out is a comment she made one time saying that she dumped a guy who was repeatedly rude to her on the phone and he still doesn't know what he did to get the boot. I told her that out of respect you should have told him so that he can try to work on things for future situations....just thought more food for thought.; June 14, 2013 at 5:52 PM
Anonymous said...: One last thing regarding the player issue...believe me...this was the first thing I wondered about as to why she booted me....a few days after she dumped me...I posted something on a female friends Facebook page as to when I was going to see her at the gym again...there was a little flirtation there between us but it was harmless....we go back 25 years...almost instantly the ex posted a pic on her timeline that showed up on my page...it was a pic the she had previously acknowledged as having a special interest only to me. Knowing her I knew this wasn't a coincidence...yet...I didn't know what to do. I honestly believed that she was giving me an opening to get back into her life....but I was still so hurt and angry that I ignored it...plus I wanted to show her I was fine and ready to move on....sadly...I never got another opportunity like this. I was too busy following bad advice to do anything. She probably thought that I was an asshole for already moving on and that if I was already talking to other girls (she didn't know they were my friends)...that I must not have cared very much for her in the first place....looking back on things that's what I would have thought if the roles had been reversed....I wish I had had the clarity that I have now back then.....this is the opening I wad referencing in a previous posting MOA. At least all my female friends told me this was an opening....and that a girl wouldn't just do something like this if they wanted you completely out of their life. It also didn't help that next time she saw me (about 6 weeks ago) I was with another girl at a party (at the time I was dating this new girl and didn't know the ex would be there)....so...maybe the player issue is correct....I wondered about it myself for awhile....but again...I can only get some answers from her...; June 14, 2013 at 6:19 PM
Anonymous said...: Continued...back to the days after the break up....maybe she is thinking...I couldn't get him turned on in bed so he's after others girls that can...don't know if that is true...but of roles r reversed I might think about that...that would definitley make me feel bad about myself; June 14, 2013 at 6:23 PM
Peter said...: @Gemini50 and MOA

Anonymous male not aiming this at you just making a point gemini50 and MOA here.

"I was waiting for Peter to jump in and explain gentlemanly behaviour"

I can if need be, but I don't think I need to. He says it all, it’s all there is in all of his comments...but then again I'm in my late 20's and we're all players so people say...so what would I know? :-)...I don't claim to be an expert and I don't claim to know everything. No one can do that. My way is one way and there are many others with something to teach me, I have very much to continue to learn about being a man.

I do have a good understanding of how men can end up that way (as a player pr taking the easy road). Dating can literally knock the gentleman right out of a man if he's weak enough for it (not saying he is) but it can do that. Moments of being taken for granted, appreciated...you be that guy and some women see it as weakness. They exploit it and assume you’re always going to be there and they do all sorts of things. They can suck everything you have out of you or crush you just as easy. When you do the pursuing and act like a gentleman there are women who will tell you what you want to hear and keep you as the "easy option" or the "I'm bored option". I could go on about this but if you don't as man know how to observe, filter and read into whets going on then you can like I said have the gentleman beaten right out of you if you're weak. It's takes strength to stay by principles and I can see why some men give in. I once did pursue a woman for nearly 2 months to have her turn around and say "can’t you tell I wasn’t interested? I never made a move". It’s understandable why that affects some men.

I'm aware that all these things go on from men to women too and I'm not supporting it. I just want to explain that I understand the effect certain things have on many men. Why to be a gentleman may be out of fashion these days.

When a man pursues you as a gentleman, and especially an older gentleman, then it's important to remember that to keep his principles he will have been strong as a man at many points in his life in order to remain true. I feel in many women this strength can be taken for granted and even looked down on as "nice boy" behaviour. So some women mistakenly think they need a badboy/player type to satisfy their needs.

An intelligent and underrated man once said men liek me are "the last of the breed", that is how I feel at times. Alone in my views, beliefs and principles.; June 14, 2013 at 7:28 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Anonymous Male,

Sweety, if you stick around, you are in for an education. ;) And I say that with the sincerest commorodorie (? spelling) as a fellow person (who found Ms Miirror last year, at age 50), and had NO IDEA how to date.

But initially, let me say, if a man said to me, “I can pick up any girl I want…” I’d think several things:
- What an ass
- He THINKS he can
- They are probably all scumbags (and I’m not)
- He’s trying to make me jealous
- He’s playing games (and I don’t need that in my life) and,
- It must be what he’s doing. (Because why say it?)

You guys drive me nuts!!! Throwing crap out there. I think you can be of benefit to women here by sharing. Why would you say that? Help us understand?

Using it as a comparison doesn’t make sense… it’s like saying, “I can eat all the chocolate I want, but I prefer vanilla ice cream.” WTF??? I really want to understand how you guys think.

I suggest you read Ms. Mirror’s other blogs and what the women have experienced and their perceptions of men’s behavior. I think it will be tremendously valuable to you.

Regarding her finding someone else… you can’t do anything about that. She could find someone else being with you or without you. You have no control over that (her). Let it go. (If you can’t, that’s your ego!)

You want to know where you go from here? You work on yourself.

You explain you overanalyze things, and it hasn’t worked out for you yet. So, you need to work on that.

You say women see you as weak, you need to learn why and work on it. Compliments don't make you weak dear, but behaving in certain ways does (and this I've learned over the past year and practicing Ms. Mirror's advice.)

And you know what? I don’t think Peter meant you didn’t deserve this girl because of who you are… but rather because of how you were acting. We are all wonderful souls, and there is no limit to what we deserve. But we have to earn it. And we earn it by first being the best possible person we can be for OURSELVES and the Universe, not to have some particular person in our life.

I think you really dug deep with your last posts… good for you… and there’s probably more stuff to dig.

Good luck; I can assure you it will be worth the journey.; June 14, 2013 at 8:15 PM
Lovingme said...: Awwwww thanks anonymous male. I'm better now. I was just having a moment, but I do really still love him. He actually called me which was a surprise, but regardless to that I feel better overall.

It's nice to see a guy here for a change!!! I haven't read your story but will be tuning in!! I wish you the best. :-); June 15, 2013 at 2:16 AM
Lovingme said...: Anonymous male...wow. For a second there I felt what you are feeling just by reading your words. I feel your sincerity. Like someone mentioned above, it's not a good idea to over analyze things because it goes everywhere, your mind that is. You think too long, you start to think wrong. You also manifest what you think, so you should start to think positive & say positive things even when you're not feeling it.

Also don't have negative feelings regarding her. Why would you think she's too good for you? You don't feel as if you're worth that? Everyone is worthy of love no matter what they've done. You have to believe in yourself & you seem like a gentlemen.

I think you should relax, breathe, & just go with the flow. Let the pieces fall where they may, but I do believe you'll get your girl. :-); June 15, 2013 at 2:34 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello Anonymous Male,
here are my two cents: this girl has dealt with a number of players in the past, and while she rationally (says) she wants to get away from them, in reality that's what she is attracted to. You are a mature, available and analytical man (god bless you for that - it's gonna come in so handy one day!!!). By assuring her the way you did, and actively proving that you are no player, in fact you became less attractive to her. people do not always want what they think they want, and people are not always attracted to what is safe and secure (as wel all now on this blog!). This is one of the ironical things in life - the attraction between men and women, the cosmic joke, as Mark twain has put it. So the harder you try to show what a good guy you are, the less change you will have with this girl. Darn! But don't you worry about a thing - you sound like a great guy - we love you just the way you are. Just wait - one or two rounds 'around the block' will make every woman appreciate a good man, and every man appreciate a good woman. So my cents would be: buckle up, hon', this is life as it is, take the 'no' for an answer and wait for a woman who truly wants (not says that she wants) a man that she can rely on - an analyze stuff with to boot! She is out there and you will meet her, you are perfect the way you are but this girl is not for you at this moment, it would be an uphill struggle for you to keep her interested - after all, what interests her is men that are NOT interested (a.k.a the players). Let her have her round around the block, her learning curve. Don't change who you ar, don't beat yourself up. Your love will come and you won't have to exert yourself in any way whatsoever because it will be a completely natural ocurance, a flow, and no analyzing necessary. Let you brain/heart chew on this gril for a while longer, as it seems that you need to walk through it, but then let it go, and look for someone who is truly ready for you!
007; June 15, 2013 at 7:58 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: All I can say folks is. . .it's AMAZING what you can glean from a little keen observation ;-); June 15, 2013 at 10:22 AM
Peter said...: @Ladies

I just want to clear something up regarding my previous comment. I was trying to get across my previous experience with women who take advantage of Gentlemen. Also how constant negative experience can ruin a good man to take him down the road of player or the easy. I've experienced this in my relationships and have seen this in dating. Many men don't leave baggage where it should be and then end up making general negative statements as to all women being the same. That process can send a man down the wrong road. I also wanted to get across how if you have a gentleman you should never take his treatment to you as weakness or put him down as too nice. I apologise if it gave you a wrong image of me or came across as anti-Gentleman. This in no way reflects my beliefs, I am a Gentleman and I have my principles.; June 15, 2013 at 6:56 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: I have to agree with Gemini 50 and Peter here in that, Gemini 50 "gets" the dynamic I'm referring to here and I think the concept might be getting lost in translation with the younger generation here.

When a man talks himself UP, he ultimately brings the woman DOWN.

He makes her feel not good enough because he's creating the illusion that he's A++++ and this is hard to live up to for many women and it tends to bring insecurities to the surface. So effectively what happens is he looks larger than life while the woman feels increasingly insignificant in comparison.

Here's what I mean:

"But initially, let me say, if a man said to me, “I can pick up any girl I want…” I’d think several things:
- What an ass
- He THINKS he can
- They are probably all scumbags (and I’m not)
- He’s trying to make me jealous
- He’s playing games (and I don’t need that in my life) and,
- It must be what he’s doing. (Because why say it?)"

That's it in a nutshell - that's the dynamic that takes place. Notice how that "talked up" comment brings NOTHING BUT NEGATIVE thinking to the surface in a woman? That's what I'm attempting to share here, because that's the reality (unless the woman is very young and inexperienced with men, in which case, she has an increased likelihood of "buying into" it).

Because as a grown woman, I can tell vouch for what Gemini 50 shared here in that - those are the thoughts that race through an experienced woman's mind and even inexperienced women will have several of those cross their mind as well.

And regarding what Peter shared, I understand the concept he's attempting to get across as well. And basically, what he's saying is - men stand strong. Because if you don't and you let fear and insecurity steer the wheel, you'll cave under the pressure, anxiety and stress that modern day dating unfortunately tends to transmit, and you may end up looking and acting "less than gentlemanly" without even realizing it - or you may simply cave and actually become less than gentlemanly simply because it's easier.

Again Anonymous male, not saying this is you, but these two dynamics do take place in the world of dating which is why SELF-AWARENESS is key - and THAT'S what Gemini 50 is attempting to share here in that, working on yourself, can actually create more self-awareness of your personal behavior - so that you can catch it and make sure you're not being misunderstood by others.

My message: When dating, ego needs kept in check because it can create a false impression in others, particularly women. (Being self-aware can help keep this from taking place).

Peter's message: Don't fall prey to past experiences and become someone you're not or that you don't want to be. (Again, self-awareness can keep this from happening.)

Gemini 50's message: Self-awareness is KEY to success.

Gem and Peter, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. Anonymous male - do we have your head spinning yet, LOL ;-) I hope not, I hope it helps.; June 15, 2013 at 7:26 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA, Hi Crystal Waters, Hi Peter, Hi ALL,

I guess, Annoymous Male has got the maximum attention and maximum posts on this website. It has become boring now.Let him decide on his OWN and leave that topic. Time to Change the topic.

I will call myself @Unpredictable life!!!

After reading so many posts on your website, so many divorces, break-ups and cheating cases, Can you please advise, Does real Love really exists in todays life??
All these articles reminds me of my VERY OLD relationship where the guy I was seeing was double dating.He betrayed me after 4 years as I was not aware that he was dating other women also at same time..Finally, he married this other women who was seen often often with him at several places but he claimed,she was just a friend..However, the worst part is, he still kept meeting me and even kissed,made out wid me even after being engaged. I was not aware. I blocked him from my life when I got to know about this..Point is, he still married this other women who he was dating from 10 years along with other women. He was a big time liar as well..The same case happend with few other women as well.. Guys cheat even after marriages..I am just curious to understand, where has love gone? This guy and others in similar case claimed that they loved the girl they married which seems Unbelievable?? Is this how love is...Can such guy really Love women?

ALL Comments and feedback are welcome!!

@Unpredictable life!!; June 16, 2013 at 3:48 AM
Gemini 50 said...: @Ms. Mirror,
Yep: Self-awareness is worth the effort. ;)

@ All: The reason for my asking AnonMale to be sure of his motives to win this woman back was because I was concerned for her based on his posts at the time.

@ Peter: I remember you explaining to us that you were starting a new relationship and would not be discussing the details of it out of respect for the woman. That is the gentlemanly behavior I was referring to: keeping what happens between you two, between you two.

@ AnonMale, a woman wants to be respected, cherished and protected by the man she shares herself with. And that man would never tell others the details of his intimate experiences with her. Repeating your sexual escapades with her and other women reeked of ego (to me.) It appeared (and I could be wrong) that you were getting an ego boost writing and posting what you say occurred with her and others, and that boost was at her expense.

The experience of love and caring and sharing between two people is like money in the bank. The positive energy emitted from both of you is real, and if respected, the experience and the good things that come of it never go away. We all understand that when you are in a loving relationship, it fuels our life. Well, it can also fuel us later in life as well. Whether the relationship has ended or not, you can always go back to that love in your mind and feel it again to fuel you in the present. But, if you don’t protect that love (and the experiences of it), the positive energy dies and it won’t be a source of fuel later.

I’d like to ask you something AnonMale: Has anyone else ever used the term “gut-check” with you in the past? Because I don’t recall ever using it before, but that is the phrase that came to me to communicate to you.

@ Crystalwaters: Asking about size was disturbing to me because you were perpetuating the belief that penis size determines the value, authenticity and manliness of a man. It doesn’t. The way a man treats a woman in AND out of the bedroom determines the kind of man he is to a real woman.

And after I read this post from you, I stopped reading what was going on in this subject. But when I saw another post in the “What people are saying” section days later, I revisited.

I had hoped that AnonMale had responded with a polite decline to Crystal’s request. Instead I saw his ego kick in high gear and each post moved farther away from how I’d expect a man who respected himself and his partner to behave.

AnonMale’s birthday matching Scorpio’s birthday was a trigger for me to “pay attention.” And in this case, paying attention and reading the posts first brought me to the ‘gut check’ question out of concern for the woman. And second, a personal sign for me that I am still on the right path with the 3333333. (I so very hope I am, because it's not easy!!) :)

And for those encouraging AnonMale to drop this woman and stay his current course, remember, without growth, we die. If there is no room for us to change, what is our purpose here?

One of the things Ms. Mirror consistently explains is “Free Will.” Our choices affect our future. Either we recognize and work on things we want to make better, or not. Free Will is a gift. Practicing it in good faith is a challenge.

Hugs to all.; June 16, 2013 at 7:56 AM
Anonymous said...: Hey guys...anonymous male here. Thanks again for all the comments and advice. In response to finding another girl instead of being hung up on this one....I have dated a few girls since and will continue to try to meet people. I hope that doesn't make me sound like a player. I am ready to move on if I meet someone who is special. The problem is that no one has come close to the ex. So, I want to do what I can to have her back in my life. As for working on myself, I have. Accomplished a lot. When I was first dumped, I was angry for being treated this way. But then I realized that I haven't always been as kind as I could be. So I reached out to people I have wronged in the past and made amends. I also started mentored a teenager who is lacking positive male role models. I know I still have work to do regarding my mental and emotional components...i.e. overanalyzation and try to control other peoples actions (ex finding someone else).; June 16, 2013 at 10:19 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Unpredictable Life,
"Annoymous Male has got the maximum attention and maximum posts on this website."

That's simply not true. This site is full of others discussing their own situations with the community here supporting them as well.

"It has become boring now."

If you're bored, you can simply enact your free will and chose not to continue to read the thread.

"Let him decide on his OWN and leave that topic."

If he wanted to decide on his own, then he wouldn't be asking for assistance now would he? This site lends support to others in need when THEY ASK for it and you seem to be missing that point.

"where has love gone?"

It hasn't gone anywhere - you simply need to find it.

"Can such guy really Love women?"

In his own way, he probably does love her to some extent. But he's clearly got some issues and he's a cheat and a liar.

Regardless, you cannot base your entire view of love and relationships on one individual situation.; June 16, 2013 at 10:25 AM
Anonymous said...: Continued...as for the player vibe I was/am giving off...as I mentioned, I have a very big personality. However...often times I say things before thinking clearly....the picking up girls story is a perfect example. My intentions were to show this girl that random hook ups are not what I want...I want something special with a girl like you....now this is the only story I remember like this ...but maybe there were other times that things that sounded good in my head produced an negative effect when she heard them...I will be more aware of thinking before I speak in the future...
It is now apparent that this thinking should extend to texting as well. In doing some research on the internet, I have realized that my spontaneous attempt at inviting the ex to meet me at a bookstore would be received negatively but almost everybody...while my intentions were good and it sounded great in my head....it says to others that I have no respect for you or your time because you should drop whatever you are doing and come see me.....and it is perceived as the mark of a player....someone who gets in touch with someone only when it works for him....I'm making progress in being aware...but still have a ways to go...; June 16, 2013 at 10:40 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
Thank you. Very well said and Anonymous Male, let that sink in a bit. Try not to be offended and attempt to see it through the lens of a woman. If you can do that, I think you'll see that Gemini 50 is sincerely attempting to help you here and she "gets" the underlying tone :-)

I agree with you on the question of size from Chrystal - it's a shallow issue and if someone is breaking up with others over something so shallow, then they need to look to THEMSELVES for the problem and not the other individual.

And Anonymous Male, just one other thing to think on here that I noticed - again, no disrespect - this is all in an attempt to help you and sometimes, self growth and self awareness are a hard pill to swallow - but bear with me here. . .read through the comment thread.

Did you happen to notice how your comments to me were rather short in nature and to the point, however, when Chrystal Waters came along and appealed to your ego - gave you the opportunity to talk about yourself - suddenly - the comments were two blocks in length, LOL ;-)

You responded quite positively to her pushing your ego button. And I'm pointing this out to you because I don't think you recognize how your explanations and/or perception of yourself do not align with your true self.

Let me explain. You state you haven't had a one night stand in 10 years. So let's accept that as fact. However, you then project to this ex that you can go get any woman any time you want in a bar. So on the one hand, you're not a player and haven't had a one night stand in years - but that's NOT the image you projected to this girl. Instead, you projected "player" type activity by informing her you can go be a player.

Do you see what I mean? What you're projecting is not in line with your true self, if it is indeed true that you're not a player.

And all of those mixed signals won't line up for a woman and when that happens, she'll assume the worst and bail.

So all we're attempting to get across with you here is that, from a woman's perspective, there's a lot of confusion being broadcast about the type of man you are. And it could be that even without you realizing it, your ego is sort of taking control at times and projecting an image that might not align with your true self.

Again, I hope this helps :-); June 16, 2013 at 10:42 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: As well folks, let me just say that I believe we have a very deceptive, deceitful individual in our midst. Anonymous male and all others, my apologies to you. I've been watching this for a while and now it's time to put a stop to it.

Someone here has several identities on the site - 3 that I'm definitely aware of and now a possible 4th (yes folks, as a site owner, I can see the same IP address come through). This individual is NOT taking any of this seriously and is simply seeking to stir the pot and create drama and confusion in a very unhealthy, destructive manner.

This individual is treating this site and all of the discussions that take place on it much like a game. This is very upsetting to me because I'm here to help, as are others, and the folks that come here have very REAL problems. And to see that someone is treating these very REAL problems as a game with a multitude of FAKE identities here is very disturbing. Randomly deciding which personality they're going to be on that particular day, as if this is a joke.

It's very unstable, self-destructive behavior and it has no place here and I'm going to ask that it stop immediately.

The folks that share their experiences here are coming here as a safe haven of sorts and I provide the cloak of anonymity so that they may feel safe in doing so. And to see someone taking advantage of that, stirring up drama, steering conversations way off course without any real basis and treating it like a game is very disheartening indeed.

And now that this individual is "bored" with their current "gaming" of the comments on the site, they create yet another new identity and attempt to divert the conversation because they're now bored with their current game. (This could quite possibly even be split personality disorder we're seeing here.)

In either case, I just wanted to offer my apologies to those here and ask that this behavior cease immediately so that the rest of us can get on with what it is that we're attempting to do here - which is support others.; June 16, 2013 at 11:00 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Male,
Good for YOU! I'm glad to see that you're open to what we're sharing here with you and that you're finding it helpful in assisting with the development of self-awareness and personal growth.

We're all walking a similar path so you're not alone there. As humans, we are all flawed. If we were perfect, we'd be Gods - not humans :-); June 16, 2013 at 11:03 AM
Peter said...: @Gemini50

Thank you for pointing that out and you are correct I should have said something. I am at this point biting my tongue a bit about his actions because I have a lot less sympathy for this man. Some of these comments have gone too far my liking but I more constructive input from me will come at the correct time. I would like to see what his reply is to MOA. I have left the door open with my comments here but at no time did he take the chance to ask me about any of the comments made. Which says a lot to me, he openly displayed his ego which you picked up on along with MOA. So I'd say his interest is less in reforming his principles and more about finding the "lever" to move his situation with least effort.

@Unpredictable life

"Can such guy really Love women?"

Yes this can exist but I get an underlying feeling of some "instability" problems from your comment that you may need to work on in yourself. I say that because I see you're not as secure on this issue and your mind not clear on it. You seem to be moving forward between the past and now when you need to clear the past. You need to work on your inner issues before you look again for any dating situations.

I actually very much treasure the lady in my life. I could never cheat or lie to her. She is all I see. So yes this does exist but you need to find it.; June 16, 2013 at 11:05 AM
Anonymous said...: Continued...also regarding 007's comments....those are great points...but what gather from what the ex has said in the past...I think most of her past boyfriends are the opposite of me. They seem to be lacking social skills and personality. Not player types...but I think she honestly perceives most men to be players. However, while I could be what she wants...I may not be who she is set up to handle. I guess that could be possible. At this point, anything is....and I agree with Peter ....I will never stop trying to be a gentleman. I don't want to play games or manipulate to meet my special someone.; June 16, 2013 at 11:08 AM
Gemini 50 said...: @ AnonMale,
I would like to just say one more thing, if I may.

I applaud the work you are doing digging to discover more about yourself. And I do apologize if I sound harsh.

Ms. Mirror and Peter have given me some pretty revealing feedback about myself as well in the past which I had to think long and hard about. And I continue to do so. But it has set me on a particular path of self-discovery. I don't know where the next turn will take me and I don't know where it will end; I do know it was needed.

So, please know my intentions are to help. And know that everything happens for a reason, and only by staying in the game do we have a chance to win!

I wish you all the best! (And please come up with a new name for yourself -- there are too many AnonymousMales in life... I don't think you are one of them.) ;); June 16, 2013 at 11:13 AM
Anonymous said...: Ok..I will try to leave behind the anonymous male moniker. I will now be known as humble scorpio as a constant reminder to myself. To Peter...I really do value your comments and all of the time you have taken to share them. I apologize if I haven't responded directly to all of them. To MOA, Peter, Gemini50 and everyone else...the reason that I chose to share so many personal details is because I didn't want to hold anything back that could be deemed useful. But you guys are right...I probably should have been more respectful to the ex in this regard and I apologize for crossing the line. To reply to all of those who commented on my ego...I honestly was shocked to see so many of you referencing this issue. Because I really try to be modest and down to earth. That's how I was raised. However, after re-reading all of my posts I am extremely alarmed. Everything I have written reeks of ego. And I can only assume that this ego shows up in real life actions...even though I am trying to lead a very humble life. Things are slowly becoming very clear to me. I honesty believe in life we are given tests that we pass only when we learn that specific lesson. Otherwise, we have to keep dealing with these tests until we figure it out. Maybe the reason I am still single or have not been able to win back my ex is because I have not understood the test or the lesson regarding ego. I meekly submit to all of you that I am now aware and ready. And if you are kind enough to help, I will promise that I will work my ass off to improve in this area. The more I think about it..Peter was right and I failed to realize it...I was only concerned about how to win this girl back and not actually improving myself. I'm actually happy that I didn't follow MOA's advice to a "T", because if I had...I could possibly reconcile with my girl, but I would be back here in a few weeks wondering why she dumped me again. At that point there would most likely be no more chances. At least now..I still have a half a shot. I don't want a quick fix...not to get back with her or with my issues. Honestly, I had no idea I was giving off this vibe...but I really believe this is a subconcious reaction to a feeling of insecurity. It's not me actively trying to show how much better I am than her or anyone else. If what MOA says about ego making a girl feel insecure is true..than I can see a very upsetting chain of events in my failed relationship. Hell..based on everything else... my harmless attempt at getting together at a bookstore probably appears as an insincere guy whipping out his little black book to see who he can hit up in a particular part of town. I feel like such an idiot for not noticing what you guys have been pointing out all along. This afternoon I spoke to a girl I dated after the ex (we decided we would just be friends). She just dumped a guy she was dating and the guy wouldn't accept it. Playing dumb...I asked her if girls like being pursued. She said all women like a real man who will fight for them...however...they are often guarded because they absolutely hate it when a guy is fighting just so he can win a game.......very telling...I don't want to be the guy trying to win a game. I want to be the real man fighting to have the privilege to be with a great girl. With that being said...I am ready to learn and humbily ask for your help.; June 16, 2013 at 11:13 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Humble Scorpio,
"She said all women like a real man who will fight for them...however...they are often guarded because they absolutely hate it when a guy is fighting just so he can win a game"

Now you're "getting" it - and that's a very important concept to understand - one that I've touched on in detail here, the difference for both men and women:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/05/predator-or-prey-dating.html

And notice the response that piece garnered from other women in the comments - they totally "got it" and related to it.

Once you fully understand the concept of ego when dating and how it is actually a self-defeating negative trait for men to posses - I would kindly ask that you please million of women a favor, LOL - and share this knowledge with your male friends. Particularly those that feel they are NOT players, but that strongly display ego and player traits and behavior when dating.

Some men do that intentionally (trying to "game" a woman via her insecurities) as shown here:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/05/what-is-the-game-pick-up-artist.html

While others simply have no idea what they're transmitting to a woman via their behavior and words when dating.; June 17, 2013 at 2:36 PM
CrystalWaters said...: hi Mirror,

"She said all women like a real man who will fight for them...however...they are often guarded because they absolutely hate it when a guy is fighting just so he can win a game"

Am I missing something here? If a guy is fighting for a women because he fancies her and enjoys her company and personality clicks too, then sees her as a prize to be won (part of a game I suppose)...but falls for her more and more as he tries in his fight due to trying so hard, what's wrong with that? If they fight so hard for a woman, they'll never want to let her go when they catch her?

CW; June 17, 2013 at 3:30 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Crystal Waters,
You've been here for a long time now dear, but it appears that you have much trouble grasping the concepts shared on this site for some reason.

"If a guy is fighting for a women because he fancies her and enjoys her company and personality clicks too, then sees her as a prize to be won (part of a game I suppose)...but falls for her more and more as he tries in his fight due to trying so hard, what's wrong with that?"

You're assuming an awful lot there and much of it plays into an "ideal fantasy." What you're assuming is:

1) he fancies her and enjoys her company and personality clicks too

When it's a game, nothing is real. There is no true fancy, he doesn't necessarily enjoy her company nor do their personalities necessarily click. Why? BECAUSE IT'S A GAME. It's about his ego and has nothing to do with the woman.

2) falls for her more and more

If he's only playing a game to make himself feel like a "winner" - then he's not going to fall for her because none of his feelings are GENUINE for her in the first place. Why? BECAUSE IT'S A GAME.

3) If they fight so hard for a woman, they'll never want to let her go when they catch her

That's only if their are GENUINE feelings and a GENUINE interest involved. If it's all a game, nothing is GENUINE and it's all about his ego and a "win" - and not about the girl. Which is why women guard against a man's ego.

In order for any of what you stated to be happen, the interest must be GENUINE, his intention must be GENUINE.

If it's simply a game to prove to himself that he can do this, as a win so that he feels better about himself and comes out on top - none of that is GENUINE.

Which is why I'm constantly suggesting that women make a man PROVE himself FIRST via actions and not words, so that the woman gets a sense of whether or not his interest is GENUINE or if it's simply an ego driven interest that will result in the woman getting used and then dumped. You cannot simply assume that everything will feed into an ideal fantasy when dating. You have to observe the man and his behavior and actions first in order to determine if his interest is genuine or not.; June 17, 2013 at 5:05 PM
Anonymous said...: Ms.Mirror, please help.
I am so confused. We broke up 1 1/2 years ago. I suspected he was cheating on me and we broke up, technically he left me. (we were on and off for 3 years, made it through the first solid year then on and off) Three months after our break up he ended up with the woman I was suspicious of. They made it about 3 months.
I went no contact immediately and though he only tapped me once in about a year, I stayed no contact. I got an apology with the next contact. It was a weak one and he did not ask to talk. I have been reading here but I made allowance because he is the strong , silent type. I did respond and accept the apology. (I imagine this was mistake #1)
Because I was this man's longest relationship, I was close with his son. He asked for the 3 of us to get together and I agreed. He paid for most of this outing but I did contribute. He sent a few lame texts afterwards. I responded slowly, politely and friendly but showed no interest. He disappeared. I went no contact to sort out my feelings. I did not hear from him.
I tapped him a couple months later and we went out again with his son. I missed them and was much more open to working something out this time. He was flirty with me and texted after our meeting. Again he paid. At neither time did we even come close to sex.
During texting, I hinted about maybe going out again.(just a hint, I didn't come right out and ask.) After our conversation ended, he has disappeared again!
I am thinking (becasue I know this man to be the type to keep an ex girlfriend or two or three around- a problem for us when we were together.) maybe he is looking to remain friends and keep me around in this fashion. Or is he simply confused about what he wants? Please help.

P.S. Although I am clear I'm still open to working something out, I'm not waiting around and will continue looking for someone else. I looked while we were apart and rarely did I find someone I was attracted to. Sure enough when I did, he did not feel the same. MOA if you would enlighten me as to what you make of this and how you would suggest I proceed, I would be grateful. Thank you.; June 23, 2013 at 9:36 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous June 23, 9:36AM,
This is very dangerous territory for you to be treading upon dear. If I were you, I'd place this man in my past and leave him there. He's attempting to keep you in his "rotation" of women, which is why he's making no effort to move things forward - because there's no future here to move towards.

Additionally, he's cheated and you, yourself have even stated he's KNOWN to keep a harem of women in rotation, particularly exes. So why would you willingly walk right into this situation with a known cheater who has a definitive pattern of multiple women? Do you wish to be one of many here? I hope not.

If you think you can change him, you're wrong, you can't. If you think you can fix him, you're wrong, you can't. If you think he'll find you special and this leopard will change his spots, you're wrong, he won't.

He IS who HE IS dear. And not one single thing you do is EVER going to change that.

If you walk right into this again, you're going to get used, hurt and experience pain at his hands as a result of his lifestyle and his personality as a man.

This is NOT a man that's meant for a mature, committed relationship dear - this man is NOT relationship material. And the sooner you realize that, the better.

Watch this short video:
http://on.aol.com/video/the-side-effects-of-having-sex-with-your-ex-517789950

It touches upon "attachment disorder" concerning exes and men. And I'd strongly suggest the book. To all ladies on this site, I strongly suggest reading this book. We are currently living in a high supply sexual economy right now and as a result, the way you date is being affected (women are feeling pressured to participate in the hookup culture) and it also affects your mental health as statistics show that this hookup culture, over the last 15 years, has doubled female depression, created a multitude of anxiety attachment disorders and female suicide has TRIPLED.

So my suggestion to you anonymous is. . .leave the past where it belongs - in the past :-); June 24, 2013 at 9:10 AM
Anonymous said...: Thank you mirror. Yes I am still attached to my ex. Of course I do no want to be part of the rotation.

I realize I have a hard time emotionally grasping the idea that I am NOT special to him.

I do not have sex with anyone outside of commitment. I think this is part of the reason the one guy I was interested in when I was looking did not stick around. But I think I dodged a bullet because like I was always told if you sleep with someone to keep them around , they won't stay around in the long run.

This hook up culture, since I do not fit in , has contributed to finding someone else being a bit difficult. and as a result my ex appearing not such a bad alternative. He's just another bullet to dodge. A dangerous time wasting one. I understand all of this logically but not emotionally.

I will leave the past where it belongs, in the past. It has been extremely hard for me to do that but I will not lower myself to be a side girl.

Thank you again for your help. I will buy the book and do my best to continue to follow the suggestions here.; June 24, 2013 at 10:17 AM
Anonymous said...: how enlightening Mirror your articles have forever changed me...thank you <3; June 24, 2013 at 12:13 PM
Anonymous said...: Humble Scorpio here...much ado about nothing. The ex couldn't make the meeting... so...I didn't get a chance to observe/talk to her. The next meeting is at the end of August. Don't want to give up, but don't know how to engage at this point either. I'm not going to lie..I'm pretty bummed. Wish I could figure out a way to get some dialogue going. Just wanted to give everyone an update who has been kind enough to try to help me with my issues and furnish me with advice.; July 1, 2013 at 10:47 AM
Anonymous said...: I wanted to give you an update. I first wrote on May 12, he had disappeared for 6 weeks and came back saying his mother had surgery and died. I waited 3 days, gave him a hard time for a week, then took him back. He stepped up to the plate and said all the right things. His attention, communication and passion all increased and I felt that we had reached a new level of intimacy, and his fears were behind him. He talked a lot about destiny, soul mates, etc. It was glorious and my trust in him was restored. His return lasted a whole 2 weeks and then he did it again. After a night of mad passion like NEVER before, he disappeared without a word. Again. This happened a month ago. After 10 days I texted him "How could you do this to me again". He did not reply. Words can't express the pain, suffering and torture that followed. I am not writing for advice, I know there is none to be found. I am such a fool to have allowed him to repeat, and I just can't stop the pain. Putting on a happy face for the world while trying to cope with a shattered heart is exhausting. The intensity of my heartache has not waned, perhaps it never will.; July 8, 2013 at 11:10 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous July 8, 11:10AM,
Just a few observations dear:

"he had disappeared for 6 weeks. . .I waited 3 days, gave him a hard time for a week, then took him back."

He disappears for a month and a half and the consequence that you dish out for that treatment is only 3 days before responding. And then 7 days later, he's back in your life.

When someone treats you like that, man or woman, you cannot jump right back in without any form of self-preservation in place. How are you looking out for yourself? How are you protecting yourself? What type of filtering are you doing to test his level of interest as genuine or not? These things MUST be in place when dating, particularly when dealing with a disappearing man.

"He stepped up to the plate and said all the right things."

He TALKED. He used WORDS. But what were his ACTIONS? What ACTIONS did he take to prove to you that he was genuinely interested?

Because when dealing with others, ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS. Which is why women need to filter men to weed out the players and those who are master manipulators (bullshitters) from those that are genuinely interested gentlemen.

"It was glorious and my trust in him was restored."

I don't believe it's possible to rebuild broken trust in less than two weeks.

"I am such a fool to have allowed him to repeat"

You're not a fool, you've simply made a mistake is all. You need to look at this as a valuable gift - a lesson. And one that will serve you well in the future :-)

"I just can't stop the pain."

What are you doing to HELP yourself stop the pain dear? What tools do you have in place and what actions are you taking to help yourself heal? What coping skills are you employing to aid you in the healing process?

These are all questions you need to ask yourself dear. There are healthy ways to cope with stress, grief and anxiety and it helps to move the process along if you put them in place. Things such as getting active inside of your own life, focusing on yourself, focusing on things and activities that help to boost your confidence and self-esteem.

If you "fill" up your life, then there's not a huge void in it when a man isn't present. Do things for yourself to fill up your personal life and keep your focus on yourself and that way, you have less time to dwell on a man or what you think is missing from your life.

Don't attempt to fill the void with a man, fill the void with activities, friendship, family, hobbies, exercise and activities instead and you will find that men may come and go, but your life is still fulfilling whether a man is in it or not.

Let a man ADD to your happiness. Do not let him BE your happiness :-); July 8, 2013 at 2:00 PM
Gemini 50 said...: @ Anonymous July 8, 11:10, I feel your pain in your writing, I am so sorry you are hurting. Keep breathing deep.

@ Ms. Mirror, this wknd I wondered why we fight justified emotional pain so strongly. Why don't we understand that we can hurt emotionally for real reasons?

Instead of pretending it doesn't hurt, or trying to ignore the hurt, or win over the hurt with fake happiness, why don't we instead just feel it, and give ourselves time to heal?

Are the pressures to be the "perfect" woman preventing us from being a hurt woman? Is the media's image of a beautiful woman, skewing our ability to allow our sadness to show a form of our beauty? Have we been convinced by others that if we feel our sadness, we'll never feel happiness again?

I slept most of Saturday afternoon, and really felt sad over both Virgo and Scorpio. I was starting to feel uneasy about it -- as though sadness was winning the lead in my life, and knew I had to DO something to get myself out of it. I put on Lady A's newest album and one song hit me: "It ain't easy (when a heart breaks)"

BAM!!!

It ain't easy when a (our) heart breaks, and we need to acknowledge that instead of minimizing it. If we fight our pain, we are fighting ourselves.

I loved your response to Anonymous because it seems you can't say it enough: People need to measure Action not Words from others. It's a tough lesson to learn, and one I've been practicing over these past 6 months.

As hard and sad as it's been for me, I've done it with Scorpio, and I'm so proud of myself. He has no idea the angst and sadness I have gone thru standing up for myself and setting clear boundaries with his recent reappearance. The same with Virgo. I have stood my ground, required them to prove themselves with their actions (which neither did), and I have been saved from them -- by ME! (amazing!)

So Sunday, I knew I had to DO something. I spent 2 hours scraping off the popcorn ceiling in my kitchen, and 4 hrs cleaning it up. UGH! But it helped tremendously

So, for those that are hurting, keep breathing, give yourself time, and find something to get you moving. When we have a broken arm, we still feel the pain, but we continue to live as best we can with it giving it time to heal. The same is true for a broken heart; it's there and we feel it, but we need to continue to live as best we can with it giving it time to heal.

We are all going to be ok :)

{Hugs}; July 8, 2013 at 9:35 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini 50,
It seems you've grasped the concept of what I attempt to share when I advise folks grieving to get busy. Not only does it develop healthy coping skills, it also burns off the anxiety in a healthy manner as well.

But more importantly, it provides balance.

And here's what I mean. It's a given that every woman who shares a painful experience is feeling the pain, acknowledging their experiencing suffering. So we already know that's happening. Then the next question becomes...how can we make that better?

Balance.

Balance is needed to remove some of the "weight" that suffering and pain gives us. If you don't balance your grieving with positive behaviors, you actually experience more suffering. And when you experience that suffering, your brain actually starts to map and create new connections associated with it. And those connections act as trauma of sorts.

If you don't actively attempt to divert that process and balance it with healthy behaviors....you can easily become stuck there and find yourself falling deeper into depression.

So, as you've concluded, the suffering continues and yes, we all need to work through it. But the healthy activities are a tool to do that, a coping skill, that can begin to alleviate some of the pain and act as a balancing method, to stabilize once more.

And one way to actively control this and work through pain in small steps is to time your reflections. Meaning, when you're reflecting on a painful event, control the amount of time you give to that. Permit yourself one half hour of reflection, then get up and get active. The next time, permit yourself 29 minutes, then get up and get active. The next time, 28 minutes, then get moving.

A method such as that can help you cope with the loss while moving forward and working through it. It isn't easy. But then again, if it was, it wouldn't be as valuable a gift as it is..because this will be a gift, you'll see. When the right man comes along Gemini, you're going to be ready for him, you're going o know how to handle him, you're going to get the treatment you deserve and you're going to be grateful for this experience and you're going to love yourself.

You've done the hard work Gem. That's something many others would like to do but haven't summoned the personal strength to do yet. You're stronger than you think ;-); July 9, 2013 at 12:18 AM
Anonymous said...: To July 8, 2013 11:10 and anyone else hurting. I just wanted to suggest a book. The 30 day Heartbreak Cure by Catherine Hickland. This is one of the best books for this sort of thing.; July 9, 2013 at 3:36 AM
Gemini 50 said...: Thanks Ms. Mirror,

Who knows where the next fork in the road will take any of us :)

My apologies to all. I jumped out of bed this AM thinking, The song is "It ain't PRETTY" not "It ain't easy." I was very tired last night and it was also probably a Freudian slip that came thru.

Wishing everyone peace today.; July 9, 2013 at 5:22 AM
Anonymous said...: To Gemini 50 from "July 8." THANK YOU for writing. Your words comforted me in validation of my emotional pain. I was working through my feelings by sharing here because I can't do that with my offender. Guess I was having a crisis of emotion at the peak of my struggle. What I didn't write was that I lead a productive life, have hobbies, interests, friends and compassionate service to people and animals. I am an artist and am currently working on my next masterpiece, lol. So I'm busy...not sitting around having a pity party. Something happened in the last 2 days with planetary shifts that affected me, and my emotional state is much improved from July 8. Today I have clarity, optimism, and a better understanding of it all. It wasn't easy reading Aphrodite's response, but it revealed my errors to me and helped me see the lessons to be learned. And most helpful was the point that you also reiterated; ACTIONS speak louder than words. Bless the both of you in helping me in my journey. You have no idea how much I value it. Someone once told me that we each have our own "grid" that is composed of the experiences in life that shaped us into who we are. How we react and respond to things are a direct reflection of that. I can often see that in myself, my own early life being one of tragic losses and rejection...a pattern that repeated itself over and over. At 55 I have yet to find a man who truly loves me and values me, but I know I'm worthy of it. For now I'm going to paint, create, and get another degree. Yes, going back to college at my age :) Looking forward to healing and changing my grid. Wishing you peace also, Stephenie; July 9, 2013 at 1:21 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

Firstly, I will like to sincerely aplogise as one of my posts has been misinterpreted by some bad luck. I Love your website and highly appreciate all your feedback from the bottom of my hear. You are simply amazing and a fantastic writer.

As you may understand, I was going through a very tough time hence I was filled with Lot of Stress, anxiety etc. In that anxiety, I was highly confused and posted my 1st relationship story as well. It did not meant to create any stir. This is your website and I highly respect the same. I truly understand that this website is for you to help people with real problems and I am one of them.

I still regret the misunderstanding and inconvenience casued to you. Hope you can forgive me. Plus, I need your further advise as well IF you can please help me with your expert feedback.

If you will recall, you and Crystal Waters informed me that I should not reply to My Ex-Boyfriend till He says Can I talk OR Sorry?

The recent update is that, he has e-mailed and messaged me with a Forwarded Message. This Forward message is about some computer application which is used for Chat etc.He had forwarded this on his 2nd attempt as well but I did not respond. Can you please advise, what do I need to do now as this is his 4th attempt but does not clearly says Sorry?

Your and Crystal Waters advise will be highly appreciated as always. Thanks in advance and sorry once again. Have a fantastic day ahead!; July 18, 2013 at 8:27 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous,
"he has e-mailed and messaged me with a Forwarded Message. This Forward message is about some computer application which is used for Chat etc.He had forwarded this on his 2nd attempt as well"

That's not anything that needs a "response" dear. It's not a conversation to respond to, it's not a question to respond to - it's simply a forwarded email with a chat app. And my guess is that he's doing this so you will turn around and "chase" him for an explanation.

Of course, you're free to do as you please, but my suggestion would be not to respond - because he's not properly "speaking" to you yet. He's not truly "communicating" with you there, instead, he's simply passing information along.

You need to wait until he starts to get real, until he starts to actually speak to you, communicate with you and expresses a desire to actually "talk" in some manner. Because right now, truthfully, all he's doing is spamming you with an app email - and that isn't the kind of communication that even needs a response. It's more like an "FYI" - for your information - and it's not an actual conversation that he's attempting to hold with you.; July 18, 2013 at 9:13 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

Thanks a Lot for your prompt feedback, understanding and such thoughtful Insights. I must say, your Insights are so deep and truthful.

Well, I am now much better and stronger in terms of accepting reality as it is. In Initial days, My Mind was full of anxiety and stress hence I use to go through various websites to find the truth. In that process, I accidentally, posted 2 of my failed relationship stories here. Thanks for forgiving me once again.

Now,I want to truly follow your feedback as I trust that, you are much more experienced and a fantastic writer who understands Men's Psychological game playing extremely well.

I wont be asking the same question again but just want to add few more points for your further confirmation.

1. Just to recall, His 1st attempt was wishing me on Birthday twice but I dint respond as I am strongly following "No-Contact". Its Been 1 Year and I have still remained in "No-Contact". His 2nd attempt was this Forward which is actually a message regarding a "Chat-Messenger". The Forward says, Download this "Chat-Messenger" as he has that Messenger. 3rd attempt was Just a small contacting on "How I was?". This 4th attempt was that same "Chat-Messenger" Forward. He sent me this on e-mail and again messaged on my Phone as well. I find it bit funny as he sent me twice!!!

You are right that he may want me to Chase him back and I wont be doing that at all!

Kindly bear with me as I just wanted your re-confirmation that this is still not a direct contact to actually speak. Right?

Its just emotionally draining at time when I am lonely as why cant he simply say sorry instead of such forwards or small casual attempts

Thanks a billion for your patience in reading my request. I am throroughly in love with your experienced and intelligent Insights. You are doing a great deed in helping all of us. May God Bless you with all the happiness!!

Have a fantastic weekend ahead!; July 19, 2013 at 1:44 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous July 19, 1:44AM,
No, I don't think those are solid efforts on his behalf. None of those messages were truly "speaking" to you and they were all casual (and lame) attempts that he put VERY LITTLE EFFORT into.

You want to stay away long enough so that he realizes if he wants to speak to you, he needs to man-up, try harder, work at it a bit - and actually speak to you or request to speak to you. Sending someone a chat download request or "instruction" is not enough. Nor is simply asking how you are or wishing you a happy birthday.

Those are ALL "lazy man" approaches. He needs to stop being lazy, get real and be genuine with you if he wants to speak to you - he needs to put some effort and thought into trying to win you over and he needs to follow through with that. Never reward "lazy" behavior from a man with your time and attention.; July 19, 2013 at 8:57 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

Its me again. Ok. Well Noted. I am certainly going to follow your advise and excellent feedback. I love the way you call him "Lazy man". Lol. You are perfect and correct. I use to feel he was quiet lazy at times hence he took my 5 years of relationship for granted.

I just wanted one re-assurance from an experienced person like you. It feels really good reading your thoughtful Insights. I will surely stay away longer. I have not contacted him at all from more than 1 year now. I will move on and leave things to time until he contacts me properly like you mentioned above. I will also make sure to update you IF he contacts me again for your kind advise.

Thanks again for all your time, patience and excellent Insights on my situation.; July 22, 2013 at 12:24 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

Its me again from the above post. Hope you are doing good. Here is a further update just for your kind feedback.

My Ex-Boyfriend has again used a silly and lazy trick to contact me. He has his own business hence he has placed my e-mail in his official subscribers list suddenly. This has never ever happened throughout our relationship. This is the 1st e-mail from his business i.d. I was surprised to see one Newsletter from his company stating that, they have re-located. Plus, I received this in my separate e-mail i.d, which was surprising. I already understand that this is again a lazy behaviour and does not require any response but I wanted to update you.

Why do you think he is using this tricks? Do I still Ignore this OR reply? However, this is just a company Newsletter but funny.

I will appreciate your superb Insight as always. Thanks in advance as always and Have a great weekend.; August 2, 2013 at 7:52 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous,
Yea, this is a game of sorts - he's attempting to keep himself on your radar (so that you give chase and begin inquiring about the relocation, etc.)

And to be honest, that's not a very professional business move. My 9-5 job is in the business world and when you take someone's email address that you've gathered during a circumstance that has NOTHING to do with business, and you add that individual to your newsletter list WITHOUT THEM SUBSCRIBING to it themselves - that's a really bad business move and amounts to "spamming" someone. It destroys trust and credibility (because they've taken something personal you've trusted them with, your email address, and used it for other purposes without your permission to do so.)

So that says a lot right there.

It's clear that he wants YOU to do ALL OF THE WORK here to keep this thing moving forward. He's playing silly games and being lazy and he's doing things without your permission - instead of being honorable and just manning up and going for it and taking the lead (being masculine), as a man should.

He wants YOU to be in the lead masculine role here (the hunter), while he sits back and acts like a woman exhibiting feminine energy (submissive, passive). Why men do not understand what a turnoff that type of energy from them is, I'll never know, LOL.

Don't reply - no one EVER replies to a newsletter. Besides, those generally come from "admin" email accounts anyway.

This guy just completely lacks the ability to man up dear, to be a man, to take the lead role and to guide the relationship in a masculine way. Pride and ego are in his own way here and they are causing him to act more like a woman than a man.

I'm getting the sense that this is the type of man that would never be able to make a woman happy. And the reason for that is:

1) He has a problem actually being a man and exhibiting masculine, leading energy.

2) He forces the woman to take the lead role while he remains passive.

3) He'd exhibit this same type of energy in a relationship which would amount to NONE of the woman's needs being fulfilled.

4) He's lazy and that isn't impressive.

5) The way he's acting signals that it's all about him, and not about the woman.

6) It appears he likes to take the easy way, which signals a lack of ambition and gusto - things that women admire in a man.

I wouldn't expect any great things to come out of this man dear. He's repeatedly signaled he's lazy and wants chased - which also signals that he prefers to hold all of the power in a relationship, making the woman chase him down for an ounce of his time and attention.

Nah, certainly not the type of man that little girls spend their time daydreaming about meeting one day dear - he's no Prince Charming :-(; August 2, 2013 at 11:31 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

Thanks a lot for your amazing and thoughtful Insights as always. It means a lot to me. I admire the way you evaluate and understand the Psychology of Men. Well, here is one more update--

1. I received 1 More additional e-mail from him from his personal e-mail on my personal e-mail i.d yet again on same day at night. Thats Funny too as it says, "Hey, I am out of country for couple of days hence I will be using other number and he has added that number with his dates of travelling".

Its crazy to see his such e-mails. However, this will be his 6th attempt but does not really mentions directly IF he wants to talk about his betrayal and the reasons for leaving me out of the blue.

I just do not know, How to react. I certainly agree to most of your feedback. I Love your Humourous observation on men exhibiting feminine energy with lazy,laid back behaviour. Lol.

Well, I have absolutely no knowledge on why men behave like this. I am just a student in your Class. Lol. I look upto you for the expert feedback.

I have spent several years with him from My University days hence we were very good friends and He was the Love of my life. As you may agree, forgiving a person is always required to move on positively in life. After all, he was a friend and everyone deserves a 2nd Chance only IF they are genuinely sorry about the pain caused. I will surely like to know what happened and why he behaved badly with me some day IF he contacts me diectly with much more stronger attempts. I will like to speak with him some day only IF he mans up like you mentioned.

Having said that, I will strictly follow your advise as I agree that these are not strong attempts at all. I guess you have already mentioned not to reply to him. I just thought will update you again on his one more Lazy attempt.

Hope you are enjoying your weekend. Thanks again for your time and patience in reading my request. You are a wonderful Person. God Bless!!; August 5, 2013 at 1:01 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MoA,

I appreciate your great blog and valuable advice.

I also would like you to help me with my dilemma.

I met this guy online. We have a several months´ history but at this point I am seriously thinking of breaking up with him.

At the beginning he pursued me hard and I fell for him. I expected our relationship to develop and deepen in time but it did not happen.

Despite that I continued meeting him still hoping that something will change.

Later I started having uneasy and suspicious feelings because he showed some disrespect, was sometimes busy and unavailable, and behaved dominantly.

In general he was nice though so I still continued dating him.

I realized I did not feel myself in the relationship and although distanced myself a bit, I was still meeting him.

He noticed that I got distanced and started to treat me better but later he returned to his previous ways.

Once we were together when his mobile rang and he did not answer it. It felt odd but I did not comment on it.

Most recntly he invited me to go on holiday with him at the last minute whilst knowing that it was almost impossible for me to take days off work at the time. I had to refuse his offer.

Now he is on holiday and I am wondering what to do next. We have been together for quite some time but apart from a few moments I have never felt a real connection with him although he has been courteous most of the time.

I want to ask you what you would do in my case. I do not think I really love anymore him though in the beginning I had feelings for him. I am not sure whether he has been stringing me along or not but I think so.

Taking all this into consideration I think the best thing will be to break up with him.

I am just wondering how I should do it. It has been some time we have been together but I am not sure if he had been playing with me or not. Shall I talk to him to explain my reasons or just disappear on him? Please give your opinion.

Love Anita; August 10, 2013 at 4:06 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anita,
Well, I would avoid a full blown discussion as it would lead to a confrontation I imagine.

But I would inform him in some manner, maybe a brief meeting. I would simply state that while you care, you do not love him and you realize that this isn't going anywhere and you think it's best for you both to go your separate ways as a result.; August 11, 2013 at 9:58 AM
Anonymous said...: Thank you, yeah, I will do what you advise. Thanks again.

Love Anita; August 11, 2013 at 11:48 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror!

I have been dating a guy for 6 months and I broke it off with him last week. I didn't think he put too much effort lately into pursuing me or contacting me in general. He would also reply to my texts with long delays, sometimes a day at a time. When I broke it off he kept asking to talk to me, to reconsider it and I when I finally talked to him we ended up fighting and he said he's done with me. Just curious, what is your opinion on him initiating contact with me? Or do you think that he won't? I have initiated breaking up several times, but this is the first time we have gone without talking for almost a week and that he actually let me go.

I don't regret breaking up - I did it because I did not think he was into me, but he said he cares about me. However, there is a part of me guessing if I was correct in my analysis of how "into me" he really is. I guess, I am just curious if he will reach out to me or not and try to repari things and your thoughts on this. Thanks!; August 27, 2013 at 12:39 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous,
Just about all of them circle back at some point dear, as high as 90%. And the more scandalous of them are almost always certain to return, LOL, finding it hard to believe that you didn't fall for their charms in the first place.

"there is a part of me guessing if I was correct in my analysis of how "into me" he really is."

You don't base your analysis on WORDS dear, or what he says - you base it on his ACTIONS. You did the right thing.; August 27, 2013 at 3:36 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks so much for your reply! I got a text from him this weekend saying "call me ASAP..."...I did not respond.

I figured if a man wants to be with me, he will make it happen no matter what.; September 3, 2013 at 1:20 PM
Pisces Girl said...: Hey Mirror I've been dealing with this younger guy for the last few weeks things were on fast track-he's almost 23 and im 28 -he's a scorpio and im a pisces. I thought I met my match-we're both water signs,our personalities are so similar, the way we think, our sense of humour, the things we like and don't like. I didn't wanna give him a chance because he was younger and I didn't feel like he had stability or security to offer me as he is still trying to figure his life out and i seen him as more of a kid not a real full grown man but I started to overlook that because he had other qualities I liked and appreciated. He would keep in touch very regularly - by calling, texting, and making it known he wanted to see me and spend time with me. He was a good listener and seemed to be genuinely interested in me and my life and my feelings. He was also very sweet and thoughtful for example this week he came by my work twice and brought me healthy lunches and the other day he brought me this cd that I told him I wanted. We've been on long walks and he's a part time personal trainer and we both like to stay active and fit and I just felt very comfortable with him from day one as well as attracted to him. He was making me forget about my horrible ex who left me broken hearted and bruised. I also introduced him to a few of my coworkers and he made a good impression on one of my closest coworkers she really liked him because of the sweet things he was doing for me. i made it very clear to him that I wanted to take my time and not rush things and that I wasn't his girlfriend yet but when we were together we would be affectionate towards each other -hold hands, kiss, hug-it just felt like the natural thing to do and I was comfortable with him. That probably contradicted what I was saying but its not like we had sex and he told me I was worth the wait and he was willing to take his time because he really liked me. Anyways he had been texting me every morning to say good morning and ask how i slept but yesterday he didn't I waited for it and it didn't come. But I knew exactly what he was doing-he was testing to see if I would text him first. I guess I could of but I felt like its still so early in the game that he should be doing all those things to build that connection and level of trust with me. He knows i have trust issues and have been bruised before and was a little reluctant about getting involved with him for various reasons but every time he's initiated contact I would always respond and I would always tell him I appreciated him making the effort to keep in touch with me and communicate. Although ill admit it was almost too much to the point where i questioned how he would ever get any work done during the day. Anyways he predictably text me about mid morning and said I guess If I don't text you to say good morning I wont hear from you and I responded by saying you really don't do have to do anything you do want to do or because your expecting something in return from me and i dont appreciate you testing me because I hate that shit and ill do what I want to do when I feel like doing it. Maybe a tad harsh but I've never really sugar coated things with him and he's done that before. Then he said ok there royalty well then you text me when you FEEL like it and then he said i dont know why you are being so ignorant ...continued...; September 28, 2013 at 7:07 PM
pisces girl said...: (mirror there was a middle part that got deleted :( but this is the last part continued ....then i couldn't believe he text me this- he said 'you aint worth shit anyways' and something like you need to take your head out of your ass-peace. i was honestly shocked mirror i couldn't believe he said that to me it was so hurtful-i didn't expect that from the same thoughtful nice guy ive been talking to although he could have attitude and jokingly call me rude names like bietch that never bothered me as much as him saying i wasn't worth shit anyways. There are so many rude things i could of said back to him but i didn't bother i thought no response would be better and he could let those be his last words to me and sleep on that. i haven't heard from him today we had a date planned for tonight he was going to take me for dinner-he mentioned a couple of times how expensive the restaurant was (totally classless in my opinion) that's ok he can save his money cause i know he doesn't have much anyways -he even asked me if could put him on my benefits plan so he could go to the dentist because he hasn't been in 13 years and needs a lot of dental work done. im the type of girl who do that for him if we were dating and i really loved and valued him but right now i feel like i need someone who can add to my life and although he did in some ways he told me its the small things that count and sure maybe but im also looking at the big picture because im sick of takers and i just figured that he might end up being more of a liability to me than an asset. Anyways my question is- if he were to ever come back around and apologise do you think he deserves forgiveness? or did he cross the line to the point of no return??you always say don't pay attention to a mans words pay attention to actions-he has shown me through some of his actions that he cares but those words did cut pretty deep and i dont care how upset he was that to me just showed what an immature kid he was-i read that silence is golden and i feel like he doesn't even deserve a response but if he were to come around and sincerely apologise do you think he deserves a second chance??; September 28, 2013 at 7:13 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pisces Girl,
"he even asked me if could put him on my benefits plan so he could go to the dentist because he hasn't been in 13 years and needs a lot of dental work done."

RUN!! That is a TOTAL user. Total.

And this validates that his intention here was to see what he could get from you:

"you aint worth shit anyways"

Translation: You're not worth shit to me anyways because I can't get anything off of you. You can't do anything for ME.

Run.

"if he were to ever come back around and apologise do you think he deserves forgiveness?"

Absolutely not. I would NEVER trust a man that's asking for me to put him on my health benefits plan after only a FEW LOUSY WEEKS of dating him.

"or did he cross the line to the point of no return?"

He crossed the line with that one and I think you, yourself, know this - which is why you're here questioning it - your gut is signaling to you that something is very wrong here.

"you always say don't pay attention to a mans words pay attention to actions-he has shown me through some of his actions that he cares but those words did cut pretty deep and i dont care how upset he was that to me just showed what an immature kid he was"

Yes, true. And this is a prime example of how "filtering" a man via his ACTIONS eventually gives him away. His actions will eventually reveal his true intentions. And in this case, his action of asking for health benefits signaled his true intention and overrides all of that previous proper behavior. Which is why women should hold back on sex for a significant period of time, to allow enough time to properly OBSERVE a man's behavior. Because things can start off strong and very gentleman-like, but after a month or so, can change drastically as in this case. Which is why women should wait at least one month before sleeping with a man, to allow enough time to let things like this percolate to the surface.

Because people with ill intention, no matter how hard they try to hide it or think they're hiding it, will ALWAYS give themselves away eventually through inconsistent behavior and their words not aligning with their actions.

As you can see, it only took a FEW WEEKS to go from this:

"He would keep in touch very regularly - by calling, texting, and making it known he wanted to see me and spend time with me. He was a good listener and seemed to be genuinely interested in me and my life and my feelings. He was also very sweet and thoughtful. ."

To this:

"he even asked me if could put him on my benefits plan so he could go to the dentist because he hasn't been in 13 years and needs a lot of dental work done."

"you need to take your head out of your ass"

"you ain't worth shit anyways"

In a matter of a few short weeks, this young, immature punk ass player TOTALLY gave himself away. And that's why it pays to wait, observe and filter.; September 29, 2013 at 11:00 AM
pisces girl said...: thanks Mirror (you're the best) and you are absolutely right! he did cross the line no second chances will be given here so no point in hurting over this loser! and that middle part that got deleted consisted of me not hearing from him from the remainder of the day because usually we text all day long but after he test me and called me ignorant I asked him to come drop of the sunglasses I left in his car from the day before and he did-we didn't hug or kiss and things were tense but brief I grabbed my sunglasses and left and went back to work. BTW the day before he picked me up from work and we went on this long walk in the river valley which was really nice but he could hear my stomach grumbling after and knew I was hungry and he asked if i was hungry but didn't really take the initiative to say lets go get you something to eat-plus I feel like he doesn't have much money anyways so I told him I would eat at home and you can just drop me off at the train station and ill take the train home because I live very south and he lives very north so I thought id be considerate like that because once when he came to see me he took the train instead of drove to save on gas money he exaggerated saying it takes like 2 tanks of gas which is BS that kind of bothered me but I picked him up from the train station so we could go work out and he let me pay for his $15 gym admission because I knew he was going to be my 'personal trainer' and help me with the weights and working out so that was ok and after we went to go eat pho and he paid-but still I felt uneasy about it I feel like a non-broke non-cheap true gentleman would of bite the bullet and driven to see me and not let me pay for anything on the second date! continued; September 29, 2013 at 11:42 AM
pisces girl said...: anyways the rest of the day(after I grabbed my sunglasses) we didn't text at all like we normally do all day and then he usually calls me in the evening but later on that evening he text me and asked what the deal was with that and if I was moody because of my period-and again I told him I didn't appreciate that ignorant comment and he also jokingly calls me bietchh and stuff but I know he meant that ignorant comment and I told him not to have expectations from me and not to do anything he doesn't want to do like text me every morning -then I told him I don't see things working out between us because earlier that day I was making a list of pros and cons and the cons were outweighing the pros and that's when he said ok followed by a smiley face-which really made me mad because I hate when guys have that arrogant I don't give a f&$k attitude and then a smiley face! and that's when he went on to say you aint worth shit anyways:( still cant get that out of my head mirror. I know this guy also has abandonment issues -his father recently passed away and I don't think he's always had the best relationship with his mother I don't think she was always there for him-but he's been very open with me and I feel like that's helped build a connection and I liked that he was able to communicate openly and honestly. It didn't sit well with me that his last girlfriend was 14 years older than him and had two kids and he lived with her and they were together for 3 years I found that to be very strange-maybe he is looking to be mothered and that's the last thing I want or need. I need a real man who is his shit together and can add to my life in every way. Now I get to go back to work and deal with people asking me how my guy is doing because I've told a few people about him-another failed attempt at a relationship but he was no good for me anyways-also he kept encouraging me to buy a place which is what im in the market of doing but im taking my time to save more money to get a nicer bigger place and he said if I work out of town two weeks on one week off id wanna stay with you when im here- im sure he probably thinks he would rent free and I made it VERY clear that im no dumb bitch who will let a man stay with me rent free ever under any circumstance-anyways what a stupid kid loser user-thanks for confirming that mirror xo; September 29, 2013 at 11:43 AM
pisces girl said...: continued....anyways the rest of the day(after I grabbed my sunglasses) we didn't text at all like we normally do all day and then he usually calls me in the evening but later on that evening he text me and asked what the deal was with that and if I was moody because of my period-and again I told him I didn't appreciate that ignorant comment and he also jokingly calls me bietchh and stuff but I know he meant that ignorant comment and I told him not to have expectations from me and not to do anything he doesn't want to do like text me every morning -then I told him I don't see things working out between us because earlier that day I was making a list of pros and cons and the cons were outweighing the pros and that's when he said ok followed by a smiley face-which really made me mad because I hate when guys have that arrogant I don't give a f&$k attitude and then a smiley face! and that's when he went on to say you aint worth shit anyways:( still cant get that out of my head mirror. I know this guy also has abandonment issues -his father recently passed away and I don't think he's always had the best relationship with his mother I don't think she was always there for him-but he's been very open with me and I feel like that's helped build a connection and I liked that he was able to communicate openly and honestly. It didn't sit well with me that his last girlfriend was 14 years older than him and had two kids and he lived with her and they were together for 3 years I found that to be very strange-maybe he is looking to be mothered and that's the last thing I want or need. I need a real man who is his shit together and can add to my life in every way. Now I get to go back to work and deal with people asking me how my guy is doing because I've told a few people about him-another failed attempt at a relationship but he was no good for me anyways-also he kept encouraging me to buy a place which is what im in the market of doing but im taking my time to save more money to get a nicer bigger place and he said if I work out of town two weeks on one week off id wanna stay with you when im here- im sure he probably thinks he would rent free and I made it VERY clear that im no dumb bitch who will let a man stay with me rent free ever under any circumstance-anyways what a stupid kid loser user-thanks for confirming that mirror xo; September 29, 2013 at 11:43 AM
pisces girl said...: btw that cd was a burnt cd I would of preferred the original with the cover and the casing but that's just another reflection of his cheap brokenness-covered up with his "its the small things that count" and yes it is but a man has to have more to offer me than a few lunches and a burnt cd; September 29, 2013 at 11:46 AM
pisces girl said...: sorry mirror ive just been firing off a whole bunch of posts today I cant tell you how much I appreciate your quick response this site has truly kept me from going crazy and being depressed after a breakup you're the girlfriend I always wished I had.... I also wanted to add that i feel like in a way maybe I was testing him with the I don't think things will work out between us comment to see his response and his response just confirmed everything for me and that just topped the list of cons for me and you said we should wait at least a month and I agree at LEAST a month but I think three is even better because had I not tested him he wouldn't have failed as miserably as he did and we would of ended up going on our little romantic dinner date last night and things would of continued to carry along smoothly that's why I think three months is an even better time frame -and I didn't want to test him just to be manipulative or play games I did it because I had question marks about him from the get go and about whether things could work out between us and his true intentions and I had a feeling that this scorpio had the ability to cut me deep with his words and I was so right but still pretty shocked-do you advocate tests like this mirror? I feel like going forward ill need to test more to see how mean these men have the potential to be because if that asshole is in them it will come to the surface and if its not and they are indeed the true sweet gentleman they try to show us to be than that's all we will ever see from them that's why I think testing is good they either get a pass or a big fat FAIL; September 29, 2013 at 12:10 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pisces Girl
"if I was moody because of my period"

Honestly dear, this guy, in my opinion, is a prime example of a man that hasn't earned so-called "mating rights" in the eyes of Mother Nature yet. He's incredibly insecure and he's very "needy" - almost as if he needs a mother and not a lover. It's a huge turnoff.

"his last girlfriend was 14 years older than him and had two kids and he lived with her"

BINGO!! There it is. I hadn't even read that part until AFTER I made the comment about him being very "needy" and immature, as if he's in need of a mother and not a lover.

This guy NEEDS a WOMAN to TAKE CARE OF HIM - period. And he's resentful of that, which is why he treats them poorly. (I imagine this woman was footing the bill for his entire lifestyle and taking care of him almost completely based on his words, his expectations of women (asking for health care coverage) and his treatment of them (resentful).

"he is looking to be mothered"

BINGO!! See. . .hadn't read that far yet and even you, yourself, picked up on his heavy "neediness" already, LOL ;-)

"I need a real man who is his shit together and can add to my life in every way."

Exactly. There is nothing wrong with expecting an "equal" to yourself as a mate :-)

"he kept encouraging me to buy a place which is what im in the market of doing but im taking my time to save more money to get a nicer bigger place and he said if I work out of town two weeks on one week off id wanna stay with you when im here"

This guy is TOTALLY NEEDY and if it were me, I'd probably have a hard time not throwing his weakness and failure as a man in his face particularly when he's making ignorant, derogatory comments about me FIRST.

"im sure he probably thinks he would rent free"

Yepper!!

Run from this one dear. He's a man boy that's emotionally immature and not relationship ready. He's a user that is like a vampire for women - sucking off of them and then sucking them dry and moving onto the next victim. He thinks he's the cats ass, but the reality here is that he's a piss poor excuse for a man, a complete failure as a provider and leader, and he needs women more than women need him. He knows this and he's resentful of it, which is why he treats them poorly, punishes them, uses them and speaks ignorantly to them.

And now this comment from him should make MUCH more sense to you:

"you ain't worth shit to me anyways"

Don't feel bad about that dear. Feel GOOD about the fact that THIS USER and NEEDY man-child was NOT able to USE YOU - and HE KNEW IT ;-); September 29, 2013 at 12:16 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pisces Girl,
"do you advocate tests like this mirror?"

When a man is raising red flags, not treating you properly, taking advantage of you and your gut is signaling to you that something's wrong - yes, I do. (I also advocate pulling away at a time like this as well, to gain clarity of perspective.)

But when things are going smoothly and the man is being a gentleman and treating you well and not raising red flags, etc., then no, I don't, as it can be construed as playing games in that situation.

"I feel like going forward ill need to test more to see how mean these men have the potential to be"

Lots of men test women to see how "crazy" they can be - and all is fair in love and war dear ;-); September 29, 2013 at 12:22 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pisces Girl,
One more thought. . .this situation is exactly reason I advocate traditional courtship rituals when dating:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/courtship-dating-benefits.html

The courtship ritual gives both parties time to observe and get to know each other and grants you a peek into what life with this individual would be like - man OR woman.

The courtship process is HIGHLY beneficial to BOTH parties for this very reason.; September 29, 2013 at 12:27 PM
pisces girl said...: God Bless you Mirror <3 I feel so much better today- I had my little sad depressed day yesterday which consisted of me being on the couch allll day long and eating and sleeping way too much but today I feel better -so much better-that's what clarity and some support does for you-I feel like I need to get outside today and work out and move forward ive already deleted his number and all the pictures we took together are next and that will be the end of it. It truly took everything in me to not respond to the you aint worth shit comment mirror I tell you I could of burned him soo bad and told him im worth a hell of a lot more than you because at least I have health benefits but good luck with that maybe you can get on someone else's plan lol and when I used to tell him very kindly and tactfully that I didn't feel like he had enough to offer me he would say oh I get it you just think im worthless so I think that's how he truly feels about himself and then he turns around and tries to make me feel that way too! plus hes so hairy and he knows it he even calls himself a monkey and he has this horrible tattoo on his arm it almost looks like a penis!!lol it was supposed to be his skin peeled back with the word perseverance but too bad he found a cheap tattoo artist who did a horrible job on it-he kept talking about getting 'quotes' to get it lasered off and redone because he knew how much I hated that tattoo but I offered zero assistance to him- a real man handles his business and doesn't expect a woman to pay for his ass-my biggest turn off in men is cheapness and being broke -he kept mentioning this 80/20 thing and sometimes that's how things ought to be because they cant always be 50/50 I should of known then what the hell he meant by that! that he would expect me to give him 80 and he would maybe give 20 and it would be like that almost 100% of the time-what a LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!; September 29, 2013 at 12:48 PM
Unknown said...: I am so heartbroken. I know that his ex is back in the picture. Also, I chased him too much. Any chance he'Lloyd return to me? I've been using "no contact" I hope it works.; October 1, 2013 at 12:03 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

How are you?Hope you doing good as always. This is Anoymous@ July 19,2013 1:44 am & 8:57 am reply from your end. We were at the conversation of My Ex who has made several attempts to contact me but AL unclear ones..Somewhere,lazy attempts but 8-9 attempts..You advised me Not to reply to him until he makes proper and clear efforts. I did the same thing of Ignoring him. He has Messaged me today which will be his 10th attempt.His1st Message is asking me to contact Him Urgently. He writes,Hey..'Please reply to me Urgently. I was quiet surprised to read his this message. I dint wnt to reply until I get your exact feedback on what exactly I should reply. Thereafter, I see his 1 Missed Call on my Phone as well. Your Last feedback was that, not to reply until he clearly says, IF we Can Talk? I guess, this is it as he seems pretty keen to speak with me.
I will like to remind my case that, He left me out of the blue so it was kind of betrayal but he liked me a lot.

However, I want to be strong and need your kind words,which I should write. Can you please inform me as what I can do?what should be my reply as I have still not replied?
I will highly appreciate your feedback as always. I also need your direction in terms of moving ahead with him. How do I take things ahead with him so that he does not take me for granted? I need your perfect advise!
Thanking You. God Bless!; October 13, 2013 at 8:50 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct. 13, 8:50AM,
Well, before we get into the nuts and bolts of this, let me clarify a few things first so there's no confusion.

"He left me out of the blue so it was kind of betrayal but he liked me a lot."

Not only was it a betrayal, it was totally disrespectful. If you like someone a lot, you don't disrespect them like that because you'd be too afraid to lose them. So that calls into question his level of interest because clearly, he did not fear losing you.

"He writes, "Hey..Please reply to me Urgently."

That's a tactic meant to get your attention. The only urgency here is on his part. He's now getting desperate because I imagine he's not encountered a woman who's held this strong before with him after he's treated her ignorantly. So instead of doing the right thing, he's now grasping at straws and going for "shock" value in a sense - hoping it'll scare you into calling, thinking something's wrong.

"I see his 1 Missed Call on my Phone as well. Your Last feedback was that, not to reply until he clearly says, IF we Can Talk? I guess, this is it as he seems pretty keen to speak with me."

Well, that's not the type of talk I'm referring to. I'm referring to the type of "talk" that is one where you both sit down and hash out what happened - having a "talk" about it that includes an explanation and apology.

For all we know, once this guy gets you to pick up the phone, he may simply say, "Hey, how's it going. Why haven't you responded to me?"

And that is NOT the type of talk he needs to have with you - one that is focused on YOU and YOUR behavior. They type of talk that needs to take place here is one where HE comes to YOU and HE offers YOU an apology and an explanation about HIS behavior that led up to this. Get what I'm saying?

And I'm leary about him still because this is a game:

"Please reply to me Urgently."

It's a game that's meant to get YOU to pick up the phone. There's no apology there. There's no message included from him that's saying something like, "Hey, I know I've been a jerk. I'm sorry if I hurt you. I know you're mad at me, but can we talk?"

Instead of doing the right thing, he's using scare tactics to make you thing somethings wrong and YOU need to call HIM. No way, don't fall for that. Do not assume that this man is ready to apologize. You could jump on that phone call and he could just start talking about the weather, like nothing ever happened, ya' know? And nothing may be resolved and he may not issue an apology or an explanation. Hell, he could even go on the attack and question YOU as to why you haven't responded.

Cont. . .; October 13, 2013 at 9:55 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: At this point, this becomes your decision to make. You proceed as you see fit. You know what to watch out for and you know what to expect from him (an apology and explanation). And you already know what to do if you don't get that show of respect and remorse from him (go silent, no response).

I wouldn't pick up the phone and call him if you do decide to respond at this point. I would simply response with something like a "hello" and that's it. Let HIM do the work here. You say hello, then you let HIM take the lead and say what he has to say, because he's the one contacting you. If he starts to talk about mundane unrelated stuff like the weather, you kindly explain that you're very busy and you have to go, and you end the call and go silent again. And you do the same if he goes on the attack about why you haven't responded, hang up on him if necessary if he does that. Don't let him beat you up verbally after disappearing on you without explanation or apology.

The choice is yours. You've got all the tools and knowledge to work your way through this while protecting yourself. Do not make a rash decision about this though. If it doesn't feel right - DO NOT respond. Only do that when YOU are ready and when you feel strong enough. But if you feel like you're strong enough and you feel like you're ready, then you can say hello - and see what he has to say.; October 13, 2013 at 9:55 AM
Anonymous said...: Hey Mirror,

Thanking You for your time in reading through my problem and request once again. I appreciate your detailed Insights and feedback..I will like to list my confusion and emotions. I will appreciate your feedback.
Well, I am truly confused and filled with mixed emotions at present. I cannot deny the fact that he betrayed me but at the same time,I still love him a lot. Ours was a long relation and I am still deeply attached to him. However,He did take me for granted which has happened with lot of relationships. I do want to know as, why he betrayed me and I would like his apology.
He has Messaged like this, 'Hey..Something Urgent. Please reply to me when you get this message'..Plus,he has even called me after exact 2 Hours on same day..I have not responded to anything as I wanted your feedback.I will surely Not be calling him as I am not ready to speak with him on phone.Point is, I have Blocked him from all social sites and even cut of 4m all mutual friends and everything so basically he has no other way to reach me except Phone and email..
I am not comfortable saying,Hello..I may want to reply to him after waiting for 3 more days..Can you advise something else..Like eg-- 'What do you want from me now? And what is so Urgent?'
Also, You mentioned that,we need to have a face to Face talk but for that,he needs to reach me to request that..He has already phoned me and I have not picked up at all..He did call me twice on my Birthday as well..He should not feel that, I have changed my number so that's my concern and confusion..Its been more than 19 months and he has no idea where I am..Also,His office has shifted near mine so I am concerned IF he reaches there IF I keep Ignoring him..
I will appreciate your 2nd feedback again, when you get the time..Thanks again for your patience!!; October 13, 2013 at 12:20 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I aplogise for one more post as I was unsure, If my previous post was sent hence I am posting again? Hope that is Ok. I will once again like to Thank You for all your Insights. Your Insights and feedback are really so amazing. You dig so deep into Psychology of these men that I am amazed at reading your Insights. It is commendable and very helpful for women like us.

You have once again provided a great feedback but I am still very confused as what should I do hence I have not responded to him as yet. His message on my phone was, " Hey. Something Urgent. Please reply back when you get this". After 2 Hours, he even called me on my phone number but I dint Pick up.

Well, I agree what you saying that he should reply saying, "I have been Jerk and I hurt you etc. However, I wanted to understand, Do all guys, who really regret at some point say these words? What IF he wants to first get hold of me and then narrate his story since I am completely out of touch so he does not know my status? I will highly appreciate your feedback with some examples of past cases like me. Perhaps, If you can help to enquire from some guys as well?

I have been strong and stayed No Contact for almost 19 Months. He has tried reaching me from Past 8 months with unclear attempts except for wishes on my Birthday, which were 4 times and clear attempts. After which, all attempts were just not very clear.

I wanted to share that, I Blocked him from everywhere and even cut-off from few mutual friends. He does not know, what I am doing and whats my status. The Last when I spoke with him when we broke-up, I told him that, I will block everything we had and that you hurt me.
I will surely like to know as why he betrayed me but at the right time. I have stayed apart very long now. At the same time, I dont want to be taken for granted. Plus, I am not strong enough to see Him with someone else IF these are his games just to get a reply from me.
My question is, why would he play this game now after so long as he left me for some other girl? He knew, I loved him and wanted future and that he hurt me. Also, this girl was not that good so I predicted that, it may not work out with her. I dont know IF he has left her or what has happened. Everything is confusing.

However, My concern is that, he should not feel, I married someone else.
Will Ignoring Him again get him to make better attempts OR get him to move on assuming I simply dont care?
What would you do in my case?

I will appreciate your advise as I am going through a tough emotional time. Your kind words with some strong past cases like me will be very helpful. Thanking You for all your help as always!!; October 14, 2013 at 12:49 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous October 13, 12:20PM,
You need to follow your gut dear and do/say whatever feels right to you :-); October 14, 2013 at 8:25 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

My normal internet is not working so i m using other source to get your feedback.Hope that is ok as you may receive different I.P.Kindly please advise your expertise as what I need to do? I am highly confused. I am student in your class. I will appreciate your urgent feedback; October 14, 2013 at 2:12 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous October 14, 2:12PM,
I have given you my advice dear. I'm not running classes here, this is simply a blog where I share my thoughts with like-minded individuals. I'm not running a business, offering classes or delivering case studies - it's simply a blog dear. This is not my job and I do this in my spare time of my own free will :-)

Educate yourself with the articles here, begin to incorporate these things into your dating life. . .and simply follow your gut, - it won't steer you wrong.; October 14, 2013 at 3:49 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Yes, you are absolutely correct. Actually, My internet was not working yesterday hence I typed in rush. I certainly respect your view and even time on my situation. I most certainly understand that, you are doing a commendable job in helping out people in distress by sharing your feedback and thoughts. I am sorry for misquoting my sentence.

I will once again request that, I need your feedback for the last time on this situation as what would you do IF you were in my place? My Gut is not working for now as I am highly confused hence I have still not responded to him. Basically, I want to do teh right thing this time.

I am sorry IF this question annoys you again but hope you understand my situation. He is the love of my life but I have still maintained strict NO Contact. However, his this attempt has confused me. Can you please help? Have a good frutiful week ahead. God Bless you for helping all of us here. Thanks in advance!; October 15, 2013 at 7:32 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

This is ME again..After thinking through day and night, I finally replied to HIM on His Urgent Message AFTER 3 days by simply asking, " What is so Urgent that Only I can address?"...
I will highly appreciate your further feedback on my difficult and complicated situation..
He replied to me after Half a day saying this---
" Hey...It was Urgent ya...Where have you been..I have tried messaging and contacting you couple of times in between ya but you have not replied..How r U "

I have stayed silent asI don't know what to say..I still love him but I need clarity from his side..What shd I need to reply so that he can state clearly since he may be gulity but perhaps has ego as well.
I am amused at his reply and highly confused as what is going on his mind and what is his motive..Can you please guide me with your Insights when you get the time?
I surely understand that you are a busy person..I will appreciate,IF you can help me when you get the time..Kindly try to help me,when you get some spare time..Thanks a lot as always!!; October 17, 2013 at 1:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous October 17, 1:26PM,
He's playing games dear - there IS and WAS no emergency. It was simply a ploy to get through to you. My suggestion is to remain in no contact and no response - and let your silence help HIM figure OUT what HE needs to do - which is apologize:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html; October 17, 2013 at 5:16 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Its ME again from the above post..Thanks a LOT for your kind feedback & suggestion..Needless to say that, I appreciate it as always...
I have gone through your above link and many comments in that link..I have few concerns and which are...In the above link,you have educated women for NO Contact for 30 days..I have maintained strict NO Contact naturally, when I was not even aware of this amazing theory..My Point is, He has been contacting me from Past 10 months almost every month may it be lazy attempts enquiring How I was etc.....However,this time,He message with his Urgent tactic..I replied to Him as he tried calling me on my phone as well..Perhaps, His attempt to speak on phone was also meant to talk..
I replied to Him almost after 19 months so this was My First reply which was to the point due to the Urgent message,phone call...I have stayed silent even now after his reply..
I would like to recall and share that,I never got closure from his end so I hoped that someday I will get to outburst and blast at him with few words whenever he plans to discuss why he betrayed me...However, Now so much time has passed that I have lost that stamina to outburst at him unless he plans to discuss it out...I want to understand, Will replying on his above 2nd message get him to explain and perhaps apologize?They say,some guys have different ways to apologize & this may be his start.. This above link is mostly about No Contact while dating...I need some other link where I can read about how to reply to ex-boyfriend...Kindly send IF you have any...Perhaps, I will appreciate IF you can share some story who have successful got back with Ex whenever you get time and/or IF you can request your dear friends on this blog to share it here, who experienced situation like me IF possible...
Like eg-- IF I can ask him as what was that urgent? OR something sarcastic..OR simply again stay silent as you suggested above...I want to do the right thing...I have gone through many of the comments in your above link where many have replied after several attempts from ex-boyfriend..Many say that,sometimes exes need to even see IF we still love them be4 direct approach as been 19 months...I just want to make sure, He does not feel I am totally not interested at all...Can you advise, How long will I need to stay silent OR Could I reply on HIS Message?
Your feedback in your spare time will be appreciated...; October 18, 2013 at 4:24 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous October 18, 4:24PM,
"Will replying on his above 2nd message get him to explain and perhaps apologize?"

I really cannot answer that as I have no clue what the outcome would be.

"I need some other link where I can read about how to reply to ex-boyfriend"

I'm sure if you search the Internet, there are many that have written on that topic.

"I will appreciate IF you can share some story who have successful got back with Ex"

There are various stories all over this blog dear of women in similar situations. There are entirely too many for me to keep track of to reference.

"Can you advise, How long will I need to stay silent"

I have given you my suggestion several times dear:

"My suggestion is to remain in no contact and no response - and let your silence help HIM figure OUT what HE needs to do - which is apologize"

"OR Could I reply on HIS Message?"

You can do anything you like, the choice is yours :-)

It doesn't matter how many times you attempt to explain away his actions or reword the questions in an attempt to get me to tell you what you want to hear, LOL ;-) I know that what you want me to do is to make an exception and tell you to contact him. But I'm not going to do that dear, as I do not feel that would be in your best interest. However, you do have free will and you do have "choice" - and in the end, the final decision is yours and you are free to do as you please :-); October 18, 2013 at 4:58 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Ok.Thanks for your feedback and time..Well, I was only re-confirming as I replied to Him after 19 Months which is a lot of self control on my part..I was not really hoping to get the answer I want..Its a tough time for me in my life..I will even be flying off to some other country soon for many days hence wanted to make sure I go with peace of mind..However, I will prefer to follow your advise to the, 'T'..I will keep silent and stay strong...I will like to post here again IF he attempts to contact me again..
My last question for now is, From what I know him in past, What IF he Contacts again by asking me,Why am I not replying?...Should I still need to keep silent till he says sorry OR reply?
Do let me know whenever you get the spare time..Thanks again and Have a good weekend!!; October 19, 2013 at 3:54 AM
pisces girl said...: @ Anonymous
"Should I still need to keep silent till he says sorry OR reply?"
Mirror-"My suggestion is to remain in no contact and no response - and let your silence help HIM figure OUT what HE needs to do - which is apologize"
i think you should do exactly what Mirror has been telling you all along and unless and until he apologises and offers up an explanation then do not reply!! i too have tried to get my ex back in the past and used several tactics but realized it was a waste of my time effort and energy and stressing me out everyday and ruining my sense of self worth in the process- a leopard cannot change his spots-theres a reason hes your ex and look at what a source of stress and frustration he is in your life right as you wait around for him to come around and you leaving the country for peace of mind - i did that to but unfortunately you cant escape your thoughts and feelings-give it time and realize that if hes not making you happy now he probably never will; October 20, 2013 at 11:03 PM
Anonymous said...: @pisces...This is Annonymous from the above post..Thanks for your feedback as well..I have strictly followed Mirror's advise to The 'T'..I have kept Silent and NO Contact..I will like to add that, I have not tried to get my ex back..I blocked him on the same day,I found that he betrayed me..After which,He has been contacting me and confusing me too but yes, I still have strong feelings for him as were in love for many years..I still love him but I will not be emotional..I am going to follow Mirror's advise...Thanks for your post again..Its helping me to stay in NO Contact..

Hi Mirror,

Its Annonymous from the above few posts..Just to recall that, Your Last advise & post was on Oct 17, where you asked Me to 'Keep Silent and Continue NO Contact..You said,Let My Silent make HIM think & respond to me which is Apologise'.. I followed your advise to the 'T and kept my silent on His Urgent Message...Here are few more updates for your kind feedback as this guy is driving me nuts--
His 1st Message says--
Hey..Something Urgent..Please reply back to me when you see this..
He Called me on my Phone as well but I dint Pick up..
I was confused so I posted on this website..You gave advise that I can write 'Hello'...I simply replied AFTER 3 days asking directly what was urgent?
He replied, 'Hey..It was Urgent..Plus, Why have you not been replying to me..I have been trying to reach you since long but you are not replying..How are you?'
I again posted here for your advise and you replied with your feedback--'To Remain Silent & NO Contact..To Let My Silent make him think and apologise'
I followed your advise and remained silent...After 6 days,He FORWARDS that Chat Messenger Twice to me early morning again on Phone and on my personal email..I chose to Ignore it and continue NO Contact..
After 3 days in weekend today,He has Messaged me yet again on the Phone saying, 'Hey..Can you download this Chat?Y R U not on this Chat? I Need to Tell you something'...
I am sorry for this long Message but wanted to narrate all his messages as he has been contacting me every week..I have not replied as he has not aplogised as yet..Can you please advise what to do? Should I still need to Keep Silent?
Thanks for your patience and time in reading my request..Kindly do share your feedback when you get the time..; October 27, 2013 at 7:35 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous October 27, 7:35AM,
"I Need to Tell you something'..."

Okay, at this point, crack open the door slightly, only slightly, to see if what he has to tell you is an apology. Respond and say, "What do you have to tell me?"

Don't make small talk, get straight to the point - and ask him directly, what does he have to tell you? Do not give him the opportunity for small talk. If he responds with small talk, you ignore it, and you repeat yourself again and you say, "What is it that you have to tell me?" And you FORCE him to talk about what it is that he's said he has to tell you.

And if what he has to tell you is NOT an apology - you ignore that and you go silent again and you stop responding. Don't give him the opportunity to play this game with you anymore. Make him get straight to the point. And if his point isn't about an apology or the relationship, then you don't have time to talk to him - you go silent again.; October 27, 2013 at 7:58 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous October 27, 7:35AM,
I should add though dear, that if it were me, I would NOT respond to this as I think it's yet another ploy for him to get you on the line - and then just try to pretend as if nothing has happened.

But I offer the option of "testing" him to see if he's being genuine in his claim that he truly has something important to tell you - so that you can see if he's still playing a game here or not.

But truthfully, if you remain silent here, he'll eventually be forced to "talk" to the email or text service, LOL. Meaning, since you're not responding, he'll be forced to get it all out in his communication up front, rather than playing this childish game he's playing with you right now.; October 27, 2013 at 8:03 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Thanks a ton for your amazing Insight as always. Your advise pours extra wisdom and encourages me to stay stronger. I must re-state that, your website and your Insight is so far the BEST and Clear across the entire world of internet dating suggestions/Break-up help. You have good sense of humour too. Lol. Yes, you are correct that he may eventually be forced to talk to the e-mail or text service IF I keep silent.
I will absolutely love that. I must say that, No Contact is simply amazing and helps one to re-gain that lost self-control and confidence back in ones life.
I have still not responded to him since I did reply to him once on his last communication of Urgent Message after your feedback. I asked Him to the Point saying, What is Urgent that needs my attention? but He did not reply to the point. He messaged asking why I was not replying to him etc. I am ready to talk with him but like you said, he needs to be direct. I thought, will share this additional information from the old posts.

Now that, He has contacted me again 3 times, I feel totally confused as why cant he simply TEXT directly. I feel, he has a huge ego as well which is stopping him from texting directly.
Plus, now that, he is contacting me every week, Will it be Fine to wait 1 more week? Meaning, IF I have to test him, Will it be fine to reply Him after couple of days?
My only concen is, My Phone will be unreachable after 1 week IF he plans to contact me again. Perhaps, I may try to keep my phone on. I am flying off to another country for 10 days so I thought, I will stay away from his game.
At present, I will stick to your feedback of "NOT Responding" for at least 1 week. I may test him later with your above direct feedback. Lets see, what he does next. I will surely post here again. Do remember me. Thanks a Lot again for your time and kind feedback. It means a lot to me.; October 28, 2013 at 3:00 AM
Anonymous said...: I was with this guy for little over a year he'd broken up with his ex (so I thought ) eight months prior we moved in together we had plenty ups and dons he told me he didnt love me each time I asked and I became frustrated knowing he probably had no real feelings so I asked him in front of my sister Then why are you Here --Im in a one way relationship so I said move forward move out he denied the relationship was one way so this had happened before my asking him to leave and asking him back but this time he became sure of himself in leaving there was no convincing him to stay which puzzled me I spoke with his sister about it and she said to let him go long story short his sister leaked to me he was returning to the woman he broke upi with he didnt tell anyone she found out by mistake . he and I share many mutual friends and they know of his last girlfriend,I became very angry and took his already packed belongings to her home (where he was moving to ) only to find out by her he'd told her he'd been livivng with his father the whole timeand she said they were still in a relationship .my heart sank . I found out that things became bad with his sister and him about me i fetl he is there still til now livivng with her I'm sure he apologized to make things work out for them its just that we were all shocked that he kept that relationship going while livivng with me.Hw and I had gone through many obstacles with him his health, working ,issues just a lot that I supported him through our friends know this its been going on two months and he reached out to me once I didnt respond( txt call me) I felt if he really wanted to talk he would pick up the phone am I right to sai I know he's angry but I feel its because he got caught he's feeling the shame; October 30, 2013 at 12:50 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous October 30, 12:50AM,
Well, he got caught red handed in a terrible lie that affected many other individuals negatively and as a result, being an emotionally immature man, he's now "projecting" blame on others, rather than being a man and being accountable for his own actions and decisions:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/07/what-is-nagging-and-shifting-blame.html

While that article focuses on nagging, it also represents the concept of "shifting blame" for better understanding.

Steer clear of this one dear - from now till the end of time. If this man is capable of pulling off a huge lie like this for selfish purposes - can you imagine what else he's lied about, or is capable of lying about? If his conscious did not bother him the entire year he did this, then what else is his conscious capable of ignoring? He sounds sociopathic to me, an individual that lacks sympathy or empathy for others. And those types of people and personalities are very dangerous, very toxic, to others - as you can see.

Where there's smoke, there's generally fire. I imagine this is not the only colossal lie he's told. He's very dangerous to your emotional health and well-being, he's not to be trusted at all, he's capable of huge lies without remorse or regret, and he's simply not to be trusted - ever.

Wash him from your memory as best you can dear and brush yourself off - and agree with yourself that he is dangerous and not to be a part of your life now, or ever again, moving forward.; October 30, 2013 at 1:23 PM
Anonymous said...: In addition to the last post about my taking his belongings to the other womans home am I the dumper or dumpee? what are the chances of he returning? who's hurting more in a situation like this ?; November 1, 2013 at 12:59 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,
How are you? Hope you doing fantastic as ever. This is me again annoymous @Oct 27, 2013 7:35 am.You have been kindly advising me way ahead since few months. Hope you remember me. I will appreciate If you can go through my case as I need your further feedback. Here is further update.

On Oct 27,2013, My Ex-Boyfriend has messaged me this as his 10-11th attempt. Out of which, few were lazy attempts in past. ‘Hey..Can you download this Chat?Y R U not on this Chat? I Need to Tell you something’…

At that time, I was about to fly out of country for 2 weeks so I thought will not respond. It has been 1 month now but he has not tried contacting again. One of my old friend advised me to reply to him but I was confused. He wants to chat with me on this messenger. He has forwarded that messeger adding request almost 8 times in past 6 months. I think, he has given up on that now. Lol.

Also, Bi-mistake, I sent him a Blank Message instead of “what do you have to tell me?. This was sent from my end recently, 1 week back, which would be 1 month after he messaged me. One of my old friend advised me to reply to him but I was confused so in that confusion, blank message got sent. He wants to chat with me on this messenger. One of my friend was sharing her thoughts and I have been reading few articles that says, sometimes, dumpers start out by reaching us in form of breadcrumbs. It says that, One can reply on breadcrums IF they make 6-7 attempts IF I do want to reconcile. Dumper wont come on strongly and say they want us back after years since they dont know our status. Technically, he has already made more than 10 attempts. They are mix of lazy attempts and recent ones which are better. Will Ignoring further push him away forever?

He has forwarded that messenger adding request almost 8 times in past 6 months. I think, he has given up on that. However, there has not been any response from his end on my blank message.

Can you please advise with your kind feedback as, Should I still Message him asking, “What do you have to tell me? OR Is it too late? OR His “No reaction” on blank message shows that he was not so keen? I am unsure, IF replying him now will show my interest OR Will it be fine?
Ideally, I did wanted to know, what he wants to tell me since he has tried contacting me even before that saying “Something Urgent”. However, Now I am confused as he has not reacted on my blank message.

Other problem is, I dont have other source to understand whats going on in his life. meaning, IF he is unhappy. Perhaps, IF he is in some problem or something. My concern was, I do wanted to know, what he wanted to tell me but not IF he is sending messages for ego boost? IF he was very keen, would he react on my blank message OR Is he further angry since I never added him on that chat messenger? This may have made him think that I dont care further. What should I do?

I will obviously like to follow your advise as I want to do what is right for me. Kindly do share your feedback when you get the time. Thanks a lot as always. Have a good week ahead.; December 2, 2013 at 2:21 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous December 2, 2:21PM,
At this point dear, you need to do what feels right to you. You should cease listening to well-meaning friends as they're only further complicating this situation for you.

This guy's a game player. In each of these communications, he's made an "urgent" plea, yet when you contact him inadvertently, he says nothing - BIG RED FLAG.

If he wants you, he knows where to find you. You don't need to do anything at this point as it appears this was simply all a game to get your attention. And when he realized it wasn't going to be easy to do that, he simply disappeared, as most players do :-( Messaging him any further will only provide additional opportunities for him to ignore you and treat you poorly. Don't walk into that situation willingly.; December 2, 2013 at 2:29 PM
Anonymous said...: Ok Mirror. Thanks for your Insights. I will follow your advise and continue to stay in "No Contact". I will post here agai In case IF he contacts again. Your advise is appreciated as always. Have a good week ahead!; December 5, 2013 at 12:01 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Hope you doing good. Its ME annonymous of Dec 05, from above post. We have been communicating. I will like to update you on my situation ahead for your kind feedback as always--
1. My Ex-Boyfriend Messaged me again today saying He needs to tell me something and requesting me to add him on that chat messenger. I replied to him saying that, He needs to tell things directly and What is it that to you need to tell me?
HIS 1st Reply--- He replied the fastest in 1 second saying, He agreed and said, 'Directly means needs to tell face 2 Face'..
After which, I was confused so I was thinking as, what to reply...In that time, He Messaged 3-4 more times continuously requesting me to add him on Chat and requesting, 'Let's Talk?..I simply replied that 'I need some time'..That's it as I was confused..
Can you please advise How to reply him from here? Should I agree to meet and talk OR reply him after few days? Plus, Should I add him on the chat talk?
Also, His Birthday is coming up in 2 weeks. Initially, I decided not to wish as I was in NO Contact and I was not aware IF he will contact me ahead. However, Now, He has already requested for a talk and even may be meet.. Will it be rude IF I don't wish him on Bday?OR I can simply text him Happy Bday ?
I am pretty nervous as been almost 22 months of 'NO Contact'

I will highly appreciate your guidance since this will be 1st time when we really start talking about our betrayal and perhaps why he left me..I just want to make suren he does not take me for granted again..
Kindly do advise when you get the time.; December 11, 2013 at 12:30 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous December 11, 12:30PM,
Honey at this point, I don't know what to tell you - because you're not really following my suggestions. So you need to do what feels right for you. Last time, I highlighted this fact:

"This guy's a game player. In each of these communications, he's made an "urgent" plea, yet when you contact him inadvertently, he says nothing - BIG RED FLAG."

And prior to that, I suggested:

"He's playing games dear - there IS and WAS no emergency. It was simply a ploy to get through to you. My suggestion is to remain in no contact and no response - and let your silence help HIM figure OUT what HE needs to do - which is apologize"

And prior to that:

"Okay, at this point, crack open the door slightly, only slightly, to see if what he has to tell you is an apology. Respond and say, "What do you have to tell me?"

Don't make small talk, get straight to the point - and ask him directly, what does he have to tell you? Do not give him the opportunity for small talk. If he responds with small talk, you ignore it, and you repeat yourself again and you say, "What is it that you have to tell me?" And you FORCE him to talk about what it is that he's said he has to tell you.

And if what he has to tell you is NOT an apology - you ignore that and you go silent again and you stop responding. Don't give him the opportunity to play this game with you anymore. Make him get straight to the point. And if his point isn't about an apology or the relationship, then you don't have time to talk to him - you go silent again."

He has yet to apologize and he continues with this little game of pretending he has something really important to tell you, which he's been dragging out for like what - a month now? And still. . .he has actually SAID NOTHING.

Yet you're responding to him.

Clearly this is a little game and he has nothing to say. If he did, he'd have said it by now dear. He's testing you and your emotional strength, and when you respond. . .he receives the reassurance that you're there waiting - and off he goes again, never following through.

He's proved himself a game player. He's proved that he's not to be taken seriously. He's proved that he enjoys stringing you along and he's proved that he's not a man of his word and that he has absolutely no follow through here. He has yet to take any ACTION on his WORDS.

I would not have responded to this little game of him pretending, yet again, that he has something profound to tell you. You did that once already and he had absolutely no follow through. . .yet he's back again, starting all over - which proves he's playing a little game here. Don't fall for it.

If he said, "Directly means needs to tell face 2 Face". . .then why is he doing this, "He Messaged 3-4 more times continuously requesting me to add him on Chat." First he signals he wants to talk face to face, then he immediately makes 4 requests for you to add him to chat - WHICH IS NOT FACE TO FACE.

Again, signaling that he's playing another game here. This man's ACTIONS do NOT match his WORDS dear - BIG RED FLAG.

Cont. . .; December 11, 2013 at 2:16 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: I would not add him to chat and I would not respond to him again. And I certainly would not wish this player a happy birthday.

"He has already requested for a talk"

Yea, but he's done that several times and NEVER followed through.

"even may be meet"

I doubt that will ever happen dear. If he was serious about that, he'd have arranged a date and time right then and there. "Maybe" in his case most likely means "never."

"Will it be rude IF I don't wish him on Bday?"

Why worry about being rude to a man that's playing games with your emotions? HIS behavior is RUDE. I would not worry about being rude to someone that's being rude to you.

"since this will be 1st time when we really start talking about our betrayal and perhaps why he left me"

He's done this several times before dear - and there has yet to be a talk. If I were you, I would not assume that this time will be any different as he has taken NO ACTION towards actually arranging a date for that talk.

"I just want to make sure he does not take me for granted again"

The only way to do that is to not respond to his games dear and at this point, wait for an apology before ever responding again. If you continue to respond, this little game will most likely carry on for months - and he'll most likely never follow through with any of it :-(

I'd stay far, far away from this man at this point. He's a game player, he's not taking any action to follow through, he's done this repeatedly, he's toying with you and as a result - he's not to be taken seriously and he appears too immature for a relationship :-(

If a man treated me this way - I'd write him off - for good - and never speak to him again.; December 11, 2013 at 2:16 PM
Anonymous said...: Ok Mirror. Thanks a lot for your deep Insight. You are right. Well, I have responded only twice to him in all these months. I responded only once as he messaged 4 times but I get your point..I will stay NO Contact and move on.. Life is tough..I appreciate your time...Thanks..; December 11, 2013 at 3:50 PM
Anonymous said...: I don't know if we've broken up! We both had been drinking the other night. . He was far more buzzed than me. I don't drink very often btw.. We were joking around and suddenly he flipped and got very mad at me. Scolding me even. We resolved the conflict, but it didn't feel resolved. He passed out. And I still felt kind off icky over the whole misunderstanding. I left, and sent him a txt. I said that I hoped he slept well. . Told him that there are many things that I adore about him. . One of which is his heart.. and for him to please not forget that. That was a little over a day ago now. And I haven't heard back from him. I'm now completely confused. I don't plan to contact again but don't know why I'm getting this silent treatment. Help! -a little confused; February 2, 2014 at 11:14 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 2, 11:14 AM,
It's most likely due to alcohol being involved dear. And he may not even remember what went down, just that something did. Sit tight and give him some time to process things.; February 3, 2014 at 9:44 AM
Anonymous said...: Could have really done finding this site about 3 months ago. I'm an Aries and my man Scorpio. We broke up after 18 months over odd issues, not actually to do between our relationship, but a very difficult ex (mine). His son continued to live with me (and still does for another few weeks) and Scorpio has had a new girlfriend almost immediately after leaving me (rebound?). We have had a huge amount of contact (and several no nos :-( ) and has wanted to keep me in his life. He initiates all contact, unless I have had to inform him about his son. But after reading this, I found the strength today to say no more today. I love him dearly but I will not be a back up plan or the "other" woman. It hurts but if he wants me he will make his way back to me and prove it to me.
Thank you for all the advice.; March 22, 2014 at 9:55 AM
Unknown said...: Hi I need your advice.
I broke up with my boyfriend because he works so much and didn't make any effort to spend time with me,we have been together for 7 months,he texted me last Sunday saying I miss you we ended up seeing each other and talking.I told him what it bothered me in the relationship etc.He left Monday morning and I didn't hear from him until Thursday when he sent me an email for my bday.
Could you tell me what do you think,what is he exactly saying with his email,should I contact him or just move on.
This is his email. Thanks!

Don't think for a second that I forgot your birthday or that you don't cross my mind countless times a day because I didn't and you do. I realized on Sunday after we talked that I'm not the person you want right now and I know you have your doubts too because you said as much. I just want you to know that I got that job and I hope that will help me get my head straight. This year burned me up and I had no energy left over for any kind of life or to give you what you deserve.

You need to know that I do love you very much and you're one of the most wonderful people I've ever met. I couldn't say anything bad about you if I tried and I truly believe you deserve all the happiness in the world I just don't know if I can give that to you until I get right. I still have hope that this change is all I need and that maybe some day we'll cross paths again and you can see me for who I really am. I don't want to say goodbye, but all I can do at this point is leave that up to you. Even to just be friends with you right now would be enough for me.

Anyway, I love you Maricel and I hope you can forgive me and have best 30th birthday ever.; April 12, 2014 at 1:54 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Maricel
There's nothing to read into this dear, this man is being honest with you and he's telling you that he feels he cannot fulfill your needs at this particular time because his focus is elsewhere at the moment. He's being mature and understanding and leaving things on a good note instead of a bad one is all.; April 14, 2014 at 4:31 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, I could really use some help...

So my ex boyfriend contacted me exactly 1 month after strict NC. At first, he wanted to find out how I was doing, so after a day I responded politely but a very short response. After a couple days he replied back and told me some stuff he's been up too...he was the one mostly carrying on the conversation while I would reply after a few hours (again polite but short responses).
After a while the responses got more friendly (like we could joke around with each other) after we both cleared the air and he realized I was no longer angry at him. (I broke up with him because I felt he was disrespecting me and taking me for granted).
I thought initially he just wanted to get rid of his guilt, but for a week now, every day he's been texting me, and when I respond, he won't reply again until the next day. Do you think he is trying to play games with me (i.e. ignore me so I won't friend zone him...which is how we are treating each other right now, as friends?) Or do you think he is legitimately busy (he is moving within a few weeks, we have exams?) which is why he doesn't want to reply me too often?
As you said, I am wondering if he is trying to do a "soft approach" like be my friend but is afraid to appear obvious that he wants to give it another go, since I was the one that broke up with him and he knows he did something wrong OR if he is just stringing me along as an option until he can find someone new? Since we've broken up I know he's met quite a few girls.
Should I continue to reply his texts if I do, in fact, want him back? How can I continue to keep him interested ? Please help me interpret his behaviour, it's confusing :(; April 19, 2014 at 12:55 AM
Anonymous said...: Sorry, one more thing you should know Mirror...every morning, like clockwork, when he does decide to reply, the responses are always very engaged (e.g. he will ask a question, continue the conversation right where it left off, never one-word responses). What is up with him??; April 19, 2014 at 12:58 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 19, 12:55 AM,
"Do you think he is trying to play games with me (i.e. ignore me so I won't friend zone him...which is how we are treating each other right now, as friends?) Or do you think he is legitimately busy (he is moving within a few weeks, we have exams?) which is why he doesn't want to reply me too often?"

It's too early to tell dear. When a man reappears, it requires moving VERY slow - OBSERVING his behavior over a long length of time, to determine his intentions. This can't be accomplished in a week or two, it takes a month or more. And the reason is because, those who simply want something casual or a quick fix (sex) for themselves...they'll put some effort in at first, but then they'll start to drop like flies when they don't get what they're after. Only genuinely interested men will keep opening the door. So you have to simply be prepared to observe his behavior over an extended period of time.

Sounds to me though like he caught on to what you were doing, taking things slow, so he's now mirroring your behavior, which is fine. Like I said, only time will tell the tale.

"Should I continue to reply his texts if I do, in fact, want him back? How can I continue to keep him interested?"

You can do as you please dear and you can continue to reply. However, when it comes to keeping him interested...you shouldn't have to worry about that dear. Meaning, if a man makes you feel concerned that he may just up and leave and become disinterested, then he's probably not worth your time, and he's not creating good feelings in you...he's actually making you feel insecure, worried and anxious (about losing him). And when that happens, that's not really someone you should be with (because you'll always feel "less" from his treatment).

If you decide to keep responding that's fine...but do NOT put your life on hold simply because this guy reappeared. Remember, you're exes for a reason - this guy was taking you for granted and making you feel bad from his poor treatment....and it appears, even after his return, he's doing the same exact thing. He's not going out of his way here, he's not trying to impress you, and chances are...that won't change dear. His current behavior is much like his past behavior - that's what he's showing you here.

So just keep moving forward, don't worry about him, worry about yourself here and if he steps it up, fine...but if he doesn't, at least you're still moving forward, not skipping a beat, dating other men and living your life, with or without him :-); April 19, 2014 at 11:13 AM
Anonymous said...: MOA

Love your articles.

I met this guy about 3 months ago, we went out a few times and our connection was amazing. We had long talks about what we wanted in life and both agreed that we were happy to find so many common goals and ideals with each other. We chatted via FB chat / text several times a day. Sometimes he initiated and other times I initiated. We are both in our early 50’s and very busy executives. He is a Taurus and I am a Leo. We went out a few more times – still no sex – but a lot of passionate kisses and hugs. Then things got strange. We would have plans to meet up and every time he would cancel due to a family emergency (his father in the hospital / his mother fell) or a work issue – all understandable reasons. After the 4th time he cancelled I got very frustrated and told him that that this was a sign of something not good. Being cancelled on every week for an entire month was unacceptable. We still continued our text and FB chats and were supposed to meet for lunch the other day and he cancelled again. Feeling majorly frustrated and after a day of hard thought, I via FB chat dumped him and told him this was not going to work and if one day his scheduled got better and if I was still around that maybe we could try again but in the meantime I told him I was going to move on. I told him he could de-friend off of FB if he wanted to and I also told him I had a date this Friday night (lie – I was trying to make him jealous). We have not communicated via FB since because I have him ‘offline’ which eliminates our communication. #1 do you think I was being unreasonable in dumping him. #2 did I screw up by lying and telling him I had a date #3 should I defriend him from FB #4 because it was a very short time we were together should I expect that this article really does not apply to me? I would very much like for him to come back into my life – but I felt if I continued to accept this constant cancelling - I was setting a precedence that this was OK. Thanks much! Frustrated Leo; May 16, 2014 at 10:38 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 16, 10:38 AM,
"do you think I was being unreasonable in dumping him"

Absolutely not dear. Regardless of his reasons, valid and truthful or a bunch of BS lies, it was clear that this man was not in a position to add to your happiness. As a matter of fact, his presence in your life was actually dampening it. Whenever folks come into your life that steal your sunshine away, consider them a plague, like an infection of sorts. One that, if it remains and goes untreated, will only spread and become worse and more severe.

This guy wasn't making you happy, nor did he really seem to care about the fact that he wasn't. Additionally, tolerating that type of poor treatment in the very early stages will only bring more of it later on down the line. If his life is so very busy and he has so very many personal/family issues going on, then what they hell did he continue to repeatedly make plans for, ya' know? And if he doesn't have time to date, then why is he attempting to do so, thinking some woman is going to hang around for months for a crumb of his attention when he can squeeze her in?

Folks in those situations has no business dating. Instead, they need to handle whatever it is going on in their life first, and set those they're dating free to find happiness. Once things calm down, they can always circle around again to connect, but they should not be selfish and expect others to hang around waiting on them to get it together.

"did I screw up by lying and telling him I had a date"

No, you did not. You were not in a committed relationship with this man. Therefore, you don't have to commit yourself to him. You're free to do as you please, as is he.

"should I defriend him from FB"

That's up to you dear. If you think checking on him will drive you nuts, then I'd say yes, unfriend him. If it doesn't and it's no big deal and you don't think it'll affect you, then feel free to leave things be.

"because it was a very short time we were together should I expect that this article really does not apply to me?"

It may or may not dear. Portions of it may or may not. Each situation is different, so without directly being involved, it's hard to say. And as with many situations, it's the level of the man's interest that truly tells the tale. But I wouldn't worry about that dear. I'd worry about staying strong, being proud of yourself for having the strength to walk away before really getting hurt by this man - and for not sticking around long enough, making excuses for him and giving him the benefit of doubt, for him to really deliver a serious blow. That takes strength dear and you did the right thing for yourself. You looked out for yourself and you saw the warning signs and you didn't ignore them. You probably dodged a bullet here. Stay strong dear and confident in the knowledge that you're looking out for yourself properly :-); May 17, 2014 at 9:23 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,
When is it OK to express forgiveness to a guy who's treated you badly? He reached out to me to apologize and I ignored it and have moved on. But we have to work together and having this negative vibe between us does not feel right. I was thinking of sending a brief message. Thanks for your advice.; May 19, 2014 at 7:33 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 19, 7:33 AM,
That's really a personal decision dear. Because some people, their treatment can be so offensive that letting them off the hook for it at some point doesn't make sense. Sometimes, it's better to leave them sit with that to understand the gravity of the situation so that they can learn from it and never do it again as it provides a lasting consequence.

However, if it wasn't truly devastating treatment and/or you've moved past it and are ready to forgive and forget for your OWN peace of mind and/or to let both parties move on, then when that time comes dear...I think you'll know it :-); May 19, 2014 at 5:14 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror of aphrodite
loved the article and in my case...he told me mixed things and that he does not sees me that way..
so..I maintained distance and ignored him...but we are in the same office.
He seems to be trying to talk and craving for my attention...so much so even insulted me on one occasion. .which is very unlike him. He is soft n polite with everyone.
I would like to know whether he likes me or its just his ego being hurt ?
Also. .if he has anything now..should not he come and talk clearly..instead of giving hints n acting jealous and stuff ?
N now...how should I behave with him ?

Also...the main issue is that I came to know he was flirting heavily with a much younger girl before this happened and he then knew about my crush and used to care for me...but then this girl came..younger...more bful and no bf stuff...flirtatious too..unlike me...
this has hurt me the most...he said no to me but happily flirted with her...

n I was being taken granted by him...n now..this girl is not in office. ..may be they still flirt on msgs..

but after me ignoring him and all...he seems to be anxious and has stopped flirting with other girls ... which he did openly...but since he feels am not talking to him because of them..he has stopped..

but he doesnot knows tht I know about tht young girl thing n thats y angry..Also. .he himself said..

now I dunno..what should I do...I really care for him bt do not know what does he wants..
help pls...
ana; May 21, 2014 at 12:39 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Ana,
"he told me mixed things and that he does not sees me that way...He seems to be trying to talk and craving for my attention...so much so even insulted me on one occasion. .which is very unlike him. He is soft n polite with everyone. I would like to know whether he likes me or its just his ego being hurt?"

Sounds like ego and immaturity to me dear. If he doesn't see you as a romantic match, yet he's still craving the attention, it's a signal that he's "feeding" off of the attention and the hunger is stemming from insecurity and the need to use those around him for an ego boost. Kinda' like how an addict needs a daily fix - they shoot a little of the drug that feeds the need (the addiction). Well, he's kinda' signaling that he needs a daily fix - an attention shot - that feeds his ego's need for reassurance from others.

"how should I behave with him?"

You're free to do as you please, however, I would suggest that you do not interact with him or engage him in any of this behavior. He's acting out, much like a child (immaturity), to get attention. And that means that, much like a child, he will instigate more and more to receive it. And when he does that, and you feed it, it has a tendency to create a spoiled brat...one that starts demanding and expecting others to jump for them and fulfill their needs immediately...or suffer the wraith of a temper tantrum meltdown. And for him, that meltdown, should you feed into this and engage him on it, could amount to him eventually hoisting some arrows at you, verbal insults, barbs and jabs - the minute he feels you're not complying to his demands in the manner he wishes. I wouldn't grant him any opportunity to do that.

"he said no to me"

That's fine. But he has to live with the consequences of that decision. He cannot expect to have his cake and eat it too. He said no, he wasn't interested, and that's that. And the consequence of that decision is that he gets nothing from you. He sent you away, it was his decision to do so...so let him live with that, and just stay away.

"what should I do"

Nothing. You don't have to do anything dear, except keep moving forward with your own life. Let him act out like a childish buffoon on his own. Stay out of it and away from him - he's a game player and his favorite toy to play with...is women. Don't get caught up in it. He's attempting to emotionally manipulate you into playing along and if you do, there's an incredibly high likelihood that he'll continue to play the game - and end up hurting you, while he walks away laughing.

"...I really care for him"

Why? What's so attractive about him and his behavior? He's acting like a fool by the sounds of it and he's displaying that he's immature and childish. Men like that do NOT make good boyfriends, lovers or husbands dear.

"but do not know what does he wants"

He's already told you what he wants dear. He "does not see me that way" and "he said no to me."

That right there is enough to move on and away from him. All of this clown behavior you're seeing from him now, it doesn't mean anything other than - he's an immature game player. Ignore the childish behavior, don't make it your problem, and keep moving forward dear :-); May 21, 2014 at 3:37 PM
Anonymous said...: In 2011, I met a man who I became hopelessly enamored with almost immediately. It seemed like he and I were made for each other. I thought ours would be an intense, passionate, soul-satisfying kind of romance.

Several weeks into our courtship, he realized that I was acquaintances with friends of his Ex-girlfriend. He didn't want anything more to do with this woman or anyone in her social circle, and so, he distanced himself from me.

I pursued him, doing everything in my power to express all the ways we were great for one another - all this for a man I barely knew! He was always very cordial, always answering my calls, but never again did he agree to go out.

And so, I tried my best to forget about him. In the two years that followed, I met other men and dated and I was even in a new relationship for a little while. I was happy - though I still thought about him from time to time. The truth is, I still longed for him.

Then, in August of 2012, he texted me. He wanted to take me out to dinner and reignite the romance that he himself had ended so abruptly two years earlier. I would have taken him up on the offer if I weren't already in a relationship. So, instead of conceding, I ignored.

Fast forward three months. I am newly single and decide to give him a ring. We hit it off, again, and the relationship quickly blossomed into a full on romance. I finally had the man I had pined for for all those years. I was overjoyed because the relationship and our connection was everything I thought it would be.

He proposed 7 months later and I agreed. This was an egregious error on my part. Not because he was a bad guy, but because we didn't take the time to really get to know each other. In the 7 months leading up to our engagement we never fought; never had an argument; never pushed each others' buttons. Had we taken the time to really get to know each other, we would have realized our values were completely different; the lifestyle we wanted for ourselves and our spouse were completely different; our tempers and opinions about what was considered an endurable amount of psychological turmoil were c o m p l e t e l y d i f f e r e n t.

When the verbal abuse turned to physical, I knew I had reached my limit. We had gotten into an argument that night and I raised my voice at him in anger. He pushed me against the wall several times, scrunched my face in his hands and said I didn't respect him - that I was treating him like a "boyfriend" and not like a "husband".

I didn't rush to leave that same night. He had plenty of time to apologize for the way he made me feel.. He didn't want me to leave but wouldn't take responsibility for his actions or offer an apology. He said, "if I you leave, you can never come back." What was I to do with a man who put his hands on me, refused to acknowledge he had done anything wrong, and then gave an ultimatum?

I packed my things and went to my parents' house the next morning.

He filed for divorce shortly after.

It's important to mention that before signing the papers, I reached out to him and explained I didn't want a divorce, just an apology, and for him to take accountability for what he had done. That little bit would have given me the hope that our marriage was worth saving. But he wouldn't give me that much. To this day (5 months later) he still hasn't apologized. That's a high level of arrogance.

Our divorce is being finalized and I can honestly say this was the best decision for us both. And yet I can't help but wonder, will he ever learn? Aren't people supposed to come out of situations like these with more wisdom and better evolved? Or are his insecurities, pride and ego so overwhelming that he simply cannot allow himself to admit fault because the reality of "not being good enough" is too hard to bear?; June 8, 2014 at 1:19 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jun 8, 1:19 AM,
"the verbal abuse turned to physical...He pushed me against the wall several times, scrunched my face in his hands and said I didn't respect him - that I was treating him like a "boyfriend" and not like a "husband".

That's it - ALL BETS ARE OFF.

Zero tolerance for physical abuse. That crap doesn't get better, it only gets worse. So stay away.

Guess what? Husbands and wives raise their voices at one another occasionally. Life is not all peaches and cream. We're all only human and anger is part of the human condition. If this guy can't deal with that reality or his own anger issues - that's HIS problem, not yours.

"He didn't want me to leave but wouldn't take responsibility for his actions or offer an apology. He said, "if I you leave, you can never come back."

He's an asshole. Not only can he not admit when he's wrong, but he's justifying his actions by placing blame on you. It's typical abuser stuff, "You made me do it." Bullshit. He's a grown man and he should be able to handle himself as one. Additionally, him issuing a threat after that...trust me dear - this guy is an abuser. Do not give him the benefit of doubt for one instance - he's an abuser. And the only reason you didn't see this earlier was because you guys never fought...but it was probably there the entire time and it was probably a BIG reason he didn't want any association with his ex (and feared dating a woman in her outer circle, for fear his big secret about being an abuser would be leaked to you.)

"I reached out to him and explained I didn't want a divorce, just an apology, and for him to take accountability for what he had done."

Don't ever do that again dear. ABUSE = ZERO TOLERANCE. All bets are off when that enters into the relationship.

"Aren't people supposed to come out of situations like these with more wisdom and better evolved?"

Not if they can never admit they have a problem dear. Acknowledging and accepting that you have a problem is the first step, and those who don't take it....NEVER learn.

"Or are his insecurities, pride and ego so overwhelming that he simply cannot allow himself to admit fault because the reality of "not being good enough" is too hard to bear? "

I think it's because he's an abuser, plain and simple. Men (and women) who abuse others verbally, physically, whatever...have certain behavior patterns ingrained mentally. And like I said above, unless they admit they have a problem, they don't get better. They shift the blame onto others with "she made me do it" and they continue the pattern of abuse until they acknowledge they have anger issues....or end up in prison for murder.

I know a woman up by my camp, she took her ex back, thought he had rehabilitated himself (he only SAID he did, he never actually got professional help or worked on himself). First night out they go to a bar. They get into a fight. She leaves on foot. He follows in his truck.

What happens next?

State troopers come upon him on a quiet little mountain road at 2AM in the morning....dragging her lifeless body down the road towards the back of his pickup truck. He ran her over and killed her.

And you know what he did when the trooper caught him red handed and attempted to push him away from her and intervene?

He fought the trooper off....so he could continue kicking her face in. He's now in prison for murder and her two children are without parents. They were about 8 when this happened. Last I heard, he daughter is now 19, hooked on heroin and working at a truck stop as a prostitute.

DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT ever minimize physical abuse. It's a giant red flag warning that something is very, very wrong...and you'll be out of your element to control it.

Be glad this is over for you dear. Be very, very glad :-); June 9, 2014 at 6:01 PM
Girl said...: Hey Mirror,

I am in a bit of a quandary and have read your work for two years and commented before under a name that I forget now.

I notice you don't do an Experienced with a Leo Male. Is that because inside, Leo men, once exclusive, are good men and catches with a soft heart?

Well, I’ve messed up. So has he. I now miss him.

This is what happened. We met online. He is 41 and I am 40. He saw a load of my work videos online after five days of talking to me online, and then soon after we had a video call. After that, he never logged in again (as I saw his Last Login Time). We started to speak more and more, he started to support me more and more, he knew I liked to receive handwritten letters so he wrote me one, he writes music so he wrote me a song, he supported me with an event I did remotely by proof reading my speech and writing some slides, he called or messaged me daily – the communication was simply fantastic. Six weeks after first emailing he flew to see me and we hit it off exactly as I had imagined. He stayed in a hotel the whole weekend and I was worried that I/he may bore of each other all that time together, but no, it was simply enjoyable every minute. He paid for everything. He did sleep over at mine and I said no hanky panky and we got heated but he respected my wishes and didn’t touch me anywhere inappropriate. But the next night we did xxx. My mind was a bit mixed as on the one hand we had know each other six weeks and dated several nights a week, if you get me, with the video calls, and had got quite close. But in reality in the flesh we had only known each other two days.

But our goals were aligned and he was treating me so well and we just got on. Period.
Cont...; June 29, 2014 at 5:05 PM
Girl said...: Anyway he gets back home and then messages me several times. The next day he wrote me a lovely romantic email. We speak the day after and he books another flight to mine for two weeks time! I was like, great! He also said it up to the man to man up and to lead when I mentioned it wouldn’t work as a LDR (he lives in the next country to me, 300 miles away which is a 4 hour journey I think but up to 8 hour trip depending on which airport and door to door, waiting for flight). He also wouldn’t have minded either living in my country.

Anyway, I only ever called him once and I said when I did, could he always ensure he picked up even if he couldn’t speak just say hey can I call you back?

Then a week last Friday I called him in between two locations for a quick chat as I was having a bad family time (to which I’d not told him about yet, I was waiting to see him face to face). He texted saying he was watching a programme could he call me back in an hour.

This extremely annoyed me (stems back to my step mom ignoring me, she used to give me the Silent Treatment a lot which hurt like hell) after we had agreed he would answer.

So I didn’t reply, and when he texted me goodnight three hours later, I ignored that too (passive aggressive).

Then the next day he contacted me at 4pm on text with a general message, I replied an hour later then he didn’t read it till 8pm that night. I had thought we had arranged to tentatively have a Facetime call that night but it didn’t happen.

I sent him a sensitive email and basically moaned about the call, said I wasn’t ready to dive back into bed the first night
Cont.; June 29, 2014 at 5:05 PM
Girl said...: again and could we take that aspect slower. It was quite a factual letter, devoid of the usual charm and warmth.

He didn’t reply. The next morning I saw he was back on the dating site. I panicked. So I asked politely if we could take in an hour? He never responded. So I called in an hour. He didn’t answer. It said he was online again on the site.

As our communication had been so super, I thought he was utterly pissed off with me and this was his way of dong things of dumping me. I sent a few more texts not understanding what was going on now. It was like a stream of consciousness. Then I sent a funny press release at about 4pm (as he had sent me one about us two a few days earlier). In the press release I said sorry if there has been a misunderstanding from the sensitive email, I didn’t mean to upset you. Also in the text I apologised too.

Then at the end I said I was upset he was back online and that it had gone tits up and so I would leave it totally now.

At 9pm he finally emailed me saying I was insecure and so he decided to break off the relationship and he wished me all the best.

I was fuming now. I sent some emails to please talk and he ignored me.

I looked on the dating site, and he had taken his profile down. It’s still down now.

The next morning I was so angry that I sent loads of horrid text messages to him and told gave him The Birdie and I said I had ended it with him, not the other way around.
Cont.; June 29, 2014 at 5:05 PM
Girl said...: (I’d worded the release in a way that I’d left it so it could be interprettated either way that I was ending it, or I was leaving contacting him….. as I couldn’t bear to be dumped).

To my surprise that night he wrote back. Asking for more information saying he felt I was threatening with an ultimatum to talk by 1pm and like a loose cannon with my messages.

(I never threatened nor gave an ultimatum, it was only Sunday night I got very, very nasty with my words – but he still replied the next day) but yes I sent a few. I just couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t talk to me.

I left it a day and didn’t respond as I wasn’t sure if he was a sociopath to be honest Mirror.

Then the next day I replied saying it wouldn’t be sorted by email, to talk instead (same message as before….) and that missing from his two emails there was no sorry from him meaning he must think it was 100% my fault.

However the day I wrote back, was also the day he will have received the handwritten letter that took him four hours to write (as he painted on it) and the drawing he did of me as I posted them back first thing Monday morning.

He has not responded to my reach outs since and he even blocked me on whatsapp last Thursday night. I don’t know if I am blocked from his iphone or not. I apologised again on a voice recording yesterday. Nothing.

What to do? I’m worried I messed up with my vitriol mouth and too much contact. Or, should I be happy I dodged a bullet as he has given me the silent treatment which is a form of abuse and also never spoke to me and everything he has done is the traits of a sociopath (charm, no remorse,
Cont; June 29, 2014 at 5:06 PM
Girl said...: cutting me off like this etc). What are Leo men like? I wonder if he hates me, I annoy him, or whether he is just too upset with me? I also know from google analytics he has not watched my videos online all week either like he used to. Shall I just leave it now or try one more time with a handwritten letter posted to his house saying why I hate being ignored (my mum) and that I am sorry again if my posting back the drawing etc hurt his feelings but as you wouldn’t speak to me and it felt like you were dumping me it felt the right thing to do? Perhaps it was such a short relationship there is no turning back now and Leo’s have too much pride.

I am ashamed of how I spoke to him - I get like that if I am dumped and only when I am dumped (it's usually 50:50 who dumps and who is dumped with me) - I have apologised. But seems too much water under the bridge and stuff can't be taken back now and I tried to save it the best way I could when he reached out...but he didn't respond. Oh I did write again the next day with an explanation to his three points, it was nicely written and respectful and polite but no response. I guess you may say do NC for 30 days...I just wondered what your thoughts were and what your knowledge of Leo men would be in this instance, please. I think what he is doing is quite cruel now, the silent treatment. It was not totally my fault. Why did he go back online and wouldn't speak to me? That's his fault that bit.

Sorry it's been SUCH a long message for you to read!!! It wasn't supposed to be this long but I guess I thought you may need the back story!!!

Kind regards,
Girl; June 29, 2014 at 5:09 PM
Girl said...: So Sunday and Monday he thought he was being dumped perhaps (but didn't try to hang onto me) and then Monday admits I ended the relationship yes he agreed with me that it was me ending it. Then on the voice recording I admitted on my voice recorded message yesterday why I veered on ending the relationship in the funny press release I sent because I felt he was dumping me with his silence, ignoring my calls and by going back online and that was his way of doing things and it didn't feel good. I said I was very sorry for how the week had panned out.

The fact he is not pursuing me now, after being so interested before, shows his level of interest surely isn't there at all. It's gone from 110% to 0%. Hence why I wonder about the sociopath thing. It's torture not knowing, cruelty to fall off the cliff and be blocked. I want to know if he has moved on and believes it is over for good as surely that is what he is saying with his silence since last Tuesday now.

Please help me shed some light on this, Mirror.

Best wishes,
Girl; June 29, 2014 at 5:15 PM
Girl said...: Hey Mirror, Just read your article again. Seems his male pride and male ego will be bruised with the letter being posted back/the drawing. And my nasty words and reaching out on Wed, Thur and Sat with no response hasn't gone down well (he blocked me on Thur). I should just leave it shouldn't I. The fact he called me insecure (I am not - except that day we ended) and has ignored me is classic sociopath. The fact that I responded to him again saying we should talk about it and he has my number to resolve it and he has denied me what I asked for again (and knows it will cause me pain - again classic sociopath) I just wished I had handled it differently too. I think it's too late now given I reached out for a few days and got blocked. Do nothing I think might be your advice and look after myself and if he is interested, in days or weeks time, or even months when he sees I am fully gone, he will seek me out and if he doesn't it wasn't meant to be and he is not right for me and couldn't have been that into me after all (it was faked)? Am I right? If I am then I learned that from your blog, so something is going right outta this maybe lol. I hope to hear from you soon when you get a moment to read my massive essay on this. Take care, Girl; June 29, 2014 at 5:35 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Girl,
"I only ever called him once and I said when I did, could he always ensure he picked up even if he couldn’t speak just say hey can I call you back?"

Don't do that dear. It's very controlling and it also makes you appear very insecure to others, as if you need to keep tabs on him in order for you to actually feel secure in yourself. It sends the wrong message and if you insist on making people answer to you like that....you're only going to end up pushing them away from you, because no one likes to be controlled by others or having to answer to them all the time like that, ya' know?

Try to think about why you need that dear. Meaning, try to think about what it is that's making you insecure and causing you to "need" in such a hefty way. Once you figure out what's driving that within you, you can then work on ways to decrease the anxiety experienced as a result.

"This extremely annoyed me...after we had agreed he would answer."

He did answer you dear - via text - and that should be enough for you. If you project your "stuff" (about your mom) onto others like that, instead of learning ways to successfully cope with your anxiety, you're going to cause people to isolate themselves from you and view you as very controlling, needy and demanding. I'm sure you're a very nice girl and that doesn't give the proper impression of you - so try your best to become very aware of when your "stuff" is surfacing, and then develop healthy ways to cope with the resulting anxiety.

For instance, instead of getting angry with him, realize that this isn't him, it's your "stuff" is all. And instead of projecting it or acting out on it, release that anxiety in a healthy manner....something physical to burn it off. Take a jog, go for a walk, call a girlfriend, meet someone for dinner, clean your house, walk the dog...whatever it is you need to do to distract your mind and physically release that anxiety - do it.

"stems back to my step mom ignoring me, she used to give me the Silent Treatment a lot which hurt like hell"

I understand that dear, truly I do. But here's the thing...that's YOUR stuff - not HIS. You cannot expect HIM to deal with YOUR stuff for you. Instead, YOU need to find healthy ways to manage it and successfully relieve yourself of it. Working on building coping skills for yourself will aid you tremendously.

"As our communication had been so super"

Here's what you're not realizing dear - from YOUR perspective, the communication was super. But from HIS, it was controlling, demanding, needy and restrictive - all of which are not the ideal conditions for love and relationships to thrive in :-(

"he finally emailed me saying I was insecure and so he decided to break off the relationship and he wished me all the best"

Ugh...see what I mean though dear? When you attempt to control others, all it does is cause them to pull away from you :-(

"I was fuming now...I sent loads of horrid text messages..I called..I sent a few more texts...I got very, very nasty with my words"

Honey, please - please - do NOT take action when your emotions are in an uproar. Instead, as I stated above, develop healthy coping skills for yourself. If you don't do this dear, you're going to find that you're going to have problems forming relationships with people - always :-(

Cont...; June 30, 2014 at 4:18 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "I just couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t talk to me."

Really? And I don't say that to be funny here, I am genuinely trying to understand how it is that you aren't able to identify that controlling others only causes them to pull away from you - because I want to help you drill down to the root of this problem and then develop ways to deal with it successfully.

So...is it difficult for you to put yourself in others shoes and understand how unhappy it feels to be controlled by others? What if you had a man you were dating and he demanded that no matter where you were or what you were doing...you HAD to talk to him. You HAD to drop everything to talk. Wouldn't that make you feel like a servant? Wouldn't that make you very unhappy? Wouldn't you want to get away from him then?

"there was no sorry from him meaning he must think it was 100% my fault"

But honey...what did this man do wrong? He didn't pick up the phone one time...and so now, he needs to apologize for that...because he sent a text instead? Here's the thing dear - people don't have to answer to you. They don't have to listen to you. They don't have to do what you say. That's life, we all experience that. None of us can snap our fingers and make people jump for us. We all have to deal with hearing "no" once in a while or being rejected or experiencing someone's lack of availability to us - we cannot control others dear...only our REACTION to them.

"What to do?"

Figure out what's causing your insecurity - and then work on developing coping skills to properly manage the anxiety that results.

"which is a form of abuse"

There is such a thing as verbal abuse as well dear...which I think you may have unleashed on him first, all because you got a text response instead of a speech response? I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to help you to put yourself in his shoes, so that you can understand what he experienced here...does that seem like a reasonable response to you? To blow up on someone because you got a text instead of a phone response? Does it seem reasonable to you to dictate that someone MUST answer the phone EVERY time you call, regardless of what they're doing? You don't have to answer dear, but I would strongly suggest that you think about that and try to put yourself on the receiving end of it so you can better understand what went wrong here.

"Shall I just leave it now or try one more time with a handwritten letter posted to his house saying why I hate being ignored.."

Here's the thing dear..why you hate being ignored doesn't mean that everyone can't ignore you. You are going to have to learn how to deal with this insecurity and develop a method to properly cope with it. You can't ignore working on this issue within yourself and then expecting others to accommodate you.

YOU are going to have to work on YOU at some point or else you're going to end up pushing others away dear if you don't learn how to properly manage the "stuff," the baggage, that you're carrying from the issues with your mother dear - and I don't want to see that happen:-(; June 30, 2014 at 4:18 PM
Girl said...: Hi Mirror, Thanks for reading my long post on the matter. I have really learned a lesson from this experience, about myself. A dark side that I want to address. I now know the root cause, and why it can happen. So I am working on it. Reaching out for support when I am angry and not keeping it inside will help.

I was just surprised he didn't answer and talk to me at first, as at first I was cool, it was only later I was more verbally abusive. Although he still came back.

Anyway, to make myself feel better, and to show respect, I wrote him a letter just saying how remorseful and bad I felt and that I was very sorry as he had done nothing wrong. I said I would love to see him again but respect his wishes either way and wish him the best.

He has not responded and that was over 24 hours ago. In fact, he put his profile back up on the dating site last night - exactly one week after he last contacted me. So he has disappeared and gone for good now. I know that. There is no recovery from this now. I personally think it's cruel to not respond given I apologised numerous times, but that's just me.

He has maintained with blocking me on whatsapp (no doubt his iPhone too but there is no way of knowing unless I phoned him and I am not doing that) and has blocked me from the dating site too.

He has therefore, totally moved on. He probably wonders why he gave so much of his affection to me and he can't be doing with me and I am a psycho.

I was a bit yes, but I was trying to end it for good. It was only later when I realised it was mostly all my fault in fact, that I went back. Alas, it's not meant to be.

I hope I can address the issue now I know what it is. I hope there aren't anymore related or other issues too. One seems to get more fixed/aware and then another issue within me seems to pop up. Constant growth but I hope at least I have sorted it to the level to at least have a proper loving relationship now, with someone new.

I will respect his wishes (shown through his silence and going back on the dating site) and not contact him anymore.

Thank you
Girl.; July 1, 2014 at 6:24 PM
Girl said...: P.S. Just goes to show you no matter how much a man shows he is into you with his words and actions, how secure you think the relationship is, that in fact you can mess it up badly and 24 hours later, you're in a different scenario and there is no return. This can also mean incompatible long term compatibility too of course. But to be blocked is another thing altogether - not a nice feeling after I've said sorry a lot now and been kind and charming since doing so. Oh well.; July 1, 2014 at 6:26 PM
Girl said...: Hiya,

I phoned him today just because I was sure I had been blocked on the iPhone...and wanted to be sure. I was going to let it sound like a trouser dial if it had rang and left it in my handbag.

But, one ring and it went to voicemail. Tried again it wouldn't connect. and again, and again...and then one ring and voicemail....that's definite blocking.

So, he never got my nasty texts from last Thursday night. The moment he blocked me on whatsapp - he blocked me on his iPhone too. I know that now as I've sent a few messages and they just say Delivered rather than his usual Time Read - hence why I got suspicious,

You may think, ah a blessing in disguise! Alas, the next day I emailed him apologising for what I said on the text calling him a sociopath! Oh dear, Girl.

Anyway, at midnight last night I noticed (we are not Friends on Facebook) that on Facebook he had uploaded a new profile photo. A photo he got his friend to take, just for me. A posed photo of him doing the glasses in the corner of the mouth (sexy secretary, dashing...) messing about look.

Anyway, I saw it today and thought why has he done that? Anyway, someone commented on it and he wrote this next to the photo:

"It is a souvenir of the passage of shooting stars, who have left in my memory the bright colors for a festive night."

Now, what that is relating to me. Because, after a fortnight, I said I didn't want our relationship to be a 'shooting star.' He said: What's that? I said: An amazing experience that burns out. He agreed and later said he wanted to take it at a steady pace so that we last a long time.

Now last night, he wrote that on his Facebook page to his Dad. A new profile photo. 30 Likes.

What does this mean Mirror?

Sounds like I am gone to him, but not forgotten.

I wish I'd never said the shooting star thing to him now! That we can argue and it doesn't mean it's burned out! (He is also back on the dating site.. he went back on Monday night and even uploaded two new photos that he specifically took for me and he knows he took them just for me as I commented on them both the day he sent me them). I took my profile down today when I saw the photo of him on Facebook - I thought, oh, I need a little break).

He will get my letter that I told you about, tomorrow. But I have been blocked since last Thursday night.

Girl; July 2, 2014 at 2:54 PM
Girl said...: I just feel sad that had he spoken to me this confusion would not have happened as I thought he was dumping me, and he thought I was dumping him and I've only just realised after one week that he agreed to end it as he thought I was dumping him.

As I say I am pulling back on the elastic band now with silence and no contact. I very much doubt that he will spring back and wonder what's going on unless he wonders where he ego stroke has gone with all my emails stopping. He may just feel glad that I stopped. I am sure in a few weeks he will wonder where I've gone and why I've stopped but I believe the horse is dead now and so very much doubt I will ever ever hear from him again. I'll let you know if I do.

Kind regards,
Girl; July 8, 2014 at 7:38 AM
Girl said...: Hi Mirror,

I promised I'd send an update and so I will do just that.

The more straight talking and heart on my sleeve email I sent - as in 'I miss you' did get him to finally respond to me three days later.

He wrote me a nice email back saying how the funny and lovely times we shared are in his memory but that he was letting me go to pursue my career.

In other emails before the straight talking one (which he had not responded to) I'd told him how bad, guilty, remorseful, embarrassed I felt, he said he forgave me in the email and there is no point feeling that anymore.

So that's two emails he has sent me - one three weeks ago and one this week. However, what struck me like a huge beaming lighthouse light, was that he has not said sorry in either email, he has not taken any blame whatsoever or apologised to me for his own part in it. This is a big red flag. As he went back on the dating site when he was exclusive with me and wouldn't speak to me at first even though what I wrote initially was fine and he made the whole thing worse by turning his back and walking away. (it was only then I got anxious)

Big red flags.

It takes two and both, in this instance, should be apologising.

I have decided today to forgive him myself of his own faults in the matter - which he either can see or can not see yet but either way is not admitting, so that I am not a prisoner in my own life. Now I am moving onto not caring anymore. Not giving a shit. This is the best way to handle men like that. I almost feel sorry for him at how unrealistic and deluded he is when problems arise. Men who are fully committed to you and intense, then at the very first sign of an issue they are flakes. He is a flake and immature. He is basically a fair weather friend as the first sign of an issue he goes off looking for another woman to marry, what an idiot and frankly a loser as he lost us, he lost me. I know this sounds harsh but it's how I feel.

I'm glad I found this out now.

With my actions for three weeks since it all began, there is no going back for him now so I am gonna learn from it and grow in the area I really needed to and think 'his loss' and be thankful it happened now, before I really felt more deeply in love with him and connected to him.

Girl; July 13, 2014 at 8:09 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

I've written you many times before about my boyfriend who is a recovering addict and the lies he has told. So, although he is sober now and doing better, I have lost the hope for us. I love him but do not want to spend the rest of my life with him and dealing with these issues which I know are a lifetime commitment. I am ready to end the relationship, but also scared. Mainly scared that I won't be able to handle the transition at this time if I end the relationship. You see we are both teachers at the same school and we live together. I thought what was best for me financially and emotionally was to wait til the end of the school year, because I will be leaving this job (because I want to) and that will allow me to not see him everyday which I feel would be torturous if we broke up now. Also, I could then move out of the house we share. here's the thing...I've never been in a relationship where our lives were so intricately connected as this and I don't know how to handle this break up situation. on the one hand, I feel like a bad person for wanting to wait til the end of the school year to end it because I feel like that is wasting his time to move on with his life. however, I am not sure I could handle the break up if I did so now. I'm not sure I could stay strong. he is very good at manipulating me and im afraid that if I break up with him but still have to see him everyday that I will be so sad and when he tries to get me back, I will just give in foolishly.

I want to do the right thing here, and I'm not sure what that is or how to go about it. i don't want to hurt him more than will already be and don't want to do so to myself either. it's not like it is easy to stay cuz i feel like im faking it to a certain extent cuz i now feel sure that i don't want a future together, but at the same time, i feel like since he's lied to me for the past 4-5 years and hurt me so much, that it is ok to stay until the school year ends if i really feel like that's what i need to happen to make a clean break from the relationship. i always think to much about others and not enough about what is best for me cuz it feels so selfish.

Also, i guess i am considering that my heart 'could' change during the year, though i seriously doubt it. And i wonder what opportunities i am missing if i do stay during this time, but also feel like i know i have to finish out the year at my job so i have to see him regardless.

I would appreciate any advice you could give to me. Thank you.; November 3, 2014 at 3:47 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 3, 3:47 PM,
I understand. And I also agree that hanging in there till the end of the year will probably prove difficult, especially considering you now know you don't want a future with him.

So how about this? I'm not sure what your income or savings is like, but how about you consider getting your own place immediately, even if you don't move into it immediately - and do NOT tell him about it. Get the place and then slowly, without much notice, begin transporting things over there and then using it as your sanctuary to get a respite from the stress of the relationship at this time.

That way, you can make your transition smoothly and when you're ready to go - you literally grab the last of your things and you go. As well, if something transpires in the meantime, you already have a place to go to in the event that something unexpected happens. And lastly, if you can't bear to finish out the year, or you move into your place early...and he does try to win you back - you already have a firm and definitive separation from him...because you're not trapped in the home you share with him, and you're not caught off guard trying to scramble to find something at the last minute, which could prove a deterrent and keep you from making the break as well.

Once you take the step of getting your own place...I think the rest will literally "fall in place" after that - because suddenly - you have an option that frees you.; November 4, 2014 at 5:09 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror-

Great site-

Here is my story. I was in a two year relationship with a woman I loved and loved me. The first year was great and then I had some distractions that happened. I lost my job 8 months ago and started my own company. Then in September I lost my brother then 4 weeks later my mother had a major heart attack and was in the hospital for 51 days. During this past year all the stressers kept me busy and I didn’t spend much time with the woman I love. So the beginning of December she decides to call it quits. It was the hardest thing to take because I always thought she was my rock. We got along very well but she would tell me that she feels alone, unattractive because I’m never with her. She did everything possible to get my attention. I just couldn’t see it at the time with everything happening in my life.
Once she broke up with me it made me take a really hard look at what I did wrong and I feel terrible about it. I tried to talk to her right after the break up and she wasn’t having it.. So I went on NC and seven days later she responds to an email that I sent right before NC. Her email said:
I'm sorry I took so long to reply back to you .
I hope your ok and I'm so sorry!
I can hardly handle knowing I hurt you or made you sad.
Never did I think things would move in this direction.
I hope you don't hate me ...

So I reached out to her.. I broke the NC because she broke up with me because I didn’t make time for her. I didn’t want to give her confirmation that I didn’t care with NC. We have had some really nice conversations and text. I told I can see all the things I have done wrong and I told her that a lot of it was because I was depressed and didn’t know it. I went to the Dr. and he gave me meds and I feel totally different. I shared my feeling to her and what was going on in my life. I told her how terrible I feel about the way I treated her and I’m truly sorry for the pain I caused her. She said she needs some time.. I started today to leave her alone so she can heal and get her thoughts together. I don’t want to do the full NC because that’s why she broke up with me. If I call or text her she will answer or respond. But I have noticed she will not initiate the call or text. Part of me wants to stop reaching out to her and wait for her to contact me.. I need your thoughts on how to handle this…

Thank you…; January 2, 2015 at 9:36 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 2, 9:36 PM,
I'm going to assume you're a man, although I realize that the reality is that you could also be a woman engaged in a same sex relationship. Either way, I'm going to place the masculine lead role onto your shoulders here. So that you're aware that what I'm writing below is intended for the masculine lead role in a relationship. and her part is falling under the feminine, submissive role in the relationship - because these two yin and yang energies basically play out in almost all relationships anyways, even if unknowingly.

First of all, I think that her breaking up with you was the right thing to do. And I'm not saying that out of spite, I'm saying that because quite honestly, what it sounds like was taking here was that you were being neglectful and taking her for granted, regardless of the reasons for doing so, and also because clearly - you needed the time and space and it actually proved valuable to you and it actually permitted you to get back in touch with your own feelings, which is a good thing.

Next is that I sense she's open to this, but as she's already stated, she needs some time, which is normal. It's human nature to need time to recover from emotional traumas as you, yourself, are already aware of. And I imagine that breaking up wasn't easy for her either. She didn't wish for things to be this way, but she was strong enough to handle it properly when it presented itself.

You've apologized in a genuine manner and I'm sure that was helpful to her, and you, as doing the right thing is always a good thing. So at this point, we can somewhat look at this as things being rectified somewhat at placed back at "square one" - a fresh start on a level playing field, where past wrongs have been somewhat "righted" to set things back on course. Again, the right thing to do.

So now you're back to square one, and there are "possibilities" that now exist. She's asked for time, and you have to give that to her, and this is also probably one of the reasons she's not initiating. That and the fact that the feminine position is one of "submission" - not one of "leader." The lead position falls to the one in the masculine role, that of leader and initiator. So at this point, you need to see if she's going to follow and submit (feminine role) to your lead (masculine role).

Charging in is not the way to lead - that's the way to "force" and it's the route of "bully" energy. Instead, great leaders use the powers of persuasion and positive influence to get them further and to have others follow their lead. A great leader INSPIRES others to FOLLOW through methods of kindness, positive influence, encouragement, confidence building, support and understanding - rather than use brute force like a dictator. And knowing that and understanding that will work to your advantage because nothing takes place overnight. None of this will take place overnight. And if you are genuinely interested, you will PROVE that by being the leader, staying the course, being confident, fearless and honorable - and not being afraid to WORK at this over a period of time in order to reap the true rewards of having earned something special. You're back at square one and this will require work and patience and if you're genuinely interested, you will not be afraid of that or see it as an obstacle.

Cont. . .; January 3, 2015 at 12:22 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: And my guess is that she's waiting for you to PROVE yourself here, through your ACTIONS and NOT your WORDS. She's waiting to see if you're for real this time, if you're going to follow through and do what you say, and if you're going to stick around long enough to do so and really INVEST in the relationship and make the necessary sacrifices to do so. And you have to start small. You have to do small things for her to prove yourself genuinely interested and to make her feel secure about you and the relationship again so she can take it seriously again and not fear being taken for granted and hurt again once she gives in. And you have to do all of this WITHOUT expectation.

Meaning, you have to do all of this because you WANT to, because it's the RIGHT thing to do - and not simply to just have your way. And if you make a gesture and you don't get back the reaction you expect, you need to be okay with that because it's part of the process of proving yourself genuine. You have to realize that she's not going to roll over and play dead just because you touched base or made a kind gesture, ya' know? It's going to take more than that, so just know that and be okay with it. Again, great leaders do not waver - they stay the course and remain confident that they will prevail.

I'd suggest making some kind gestures "just because." Meaning, I'd suggest making a gesture from time to time just because you care, and not simply because you expect you'll get something out of it. Her reaction isn't what's important at this stage - your kind gesture and expecting nothing in return is what's important, because it PROVES you're genuine (not to mention, it will help her build trust and feel secure with you, because you're not asking or expecting anything in return).

So instead of reaching out with WORDS via text - take an ACTION instead. Talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words. Send flowers, and send something exotic and unusual. My first suggestion would be a vase of orchids. If they're too pricey, my second suggestion would be a box of wildflowers - white and yellow daisies mixed with greens and maybe some tiger lillies, lavender and purple coneflowers. And on the card, you ask for nothing, you expect nothing from this, and you simply thank her and say something like, "Thank you for being a part of my life." This is a simple, authentic gesture of kindness and nothing more. Yet this ACTION does something POWERFUL - it PROVES that you're thinking about her, so much so that you took the time to put some thought into a kind gesture for her. It also signals that you're grateful for her, that you VALUE her, that you're taking ACTION to make her a PRIORITY in your life, that you expect nothing in return and you're simply showing gratitude, and that you're not AFRAID to do so. It signals that you're willing to be patient, fulfill her emotional needs and show her respect and kindness and treat her special.

It's a simple gesture that means and says a lot about someone and their intentions. While it may seem trivial and unnecessary, it's a powerful ACTION instead of just a bunch of WORDS. And if this is something you've never done for her before, it will go even a step further for you in that she's now seeing, first hand for herself, just how far you ARE willing to go for her. It will PROVE to her that you're now somehow "different" than before, ya' know?

Cont. . .; January 3, 2015 at 12:22 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: And if you get a response from this, and I imagine you will, my next suggestion would then be to respond with something like, "You're welcome. I just wanted to show you how much I care. And when you're ready, I'd like to take you to dinner as well so that we can just have a nice evening together. I'd like to do something special for you when you feel you're ready. I don't expect anything from it, I'd just like the opportunity to do something nice for you because you deserve it."

And then say nothing more. Let that thought germinate a bit in her mind. Let her think about what new possibilities exist. Let her think about the recent actions you've taken, that may be somewhat out of character, that prove to her that you're willing to start fresh and change things and make her a priority once again. Just let all that sit with her for a bit, let her wrap her head and her emotions around that, and see what happens next.

This is a "soft approach" and it's what's necessary after an emotional trauma like this. It will also be good for you as well because you've suffered many traumas recently yourself and this removes a bit of the high pressure and stress that you've most likely lived under lately. You, yourself, probably know by now that after suffering a trauma of sorts. . .pressure and stress and force are the last things you need. Instead, following something very soft yet very encouraging and positive in nature can slowly walk you both down the path to healing - together, hand in hand, at the same pace. And starting off on this foot will help you both find and reignite the passion and romance that most likely existed when you two first got together, that had somewhat gotten lost in the fray of all that's happened. It will help you reconnect on an intimate, kind, encouraging, supportive and loving level with one another once again - as equals that are showing one another just how much they value the other.

She needs to feel valued and desired once again and you need to feel appreciated, thankful and grateful for what you DO have left (instead of focusing on what's recently gone missing) - and I think starting off on this foot can and will help to fulfill both of your emotional needs and set you both off on the right path to a seeing and focusing on a new future that's full of possibilities :-); January 3, 2015 at 12:22 PM
Peter said...: @ Anonymous Male January 2, 2015 at 9:36 PM

I'm going to assume you're a Male here, but if that's not case as MOA pointed out then please accept my apologies in advance.

I'd like to present a different perspective to give you a little more balance. I'm merely aiming to give you a different perspective here to.

-You lost your Brother
-Your Mother was seriously ill
-You had the stress of unemployment and starting your own company

An observation of her actions to me says they are actions of Selfishness and Immaturity at a delicate point in your life. Life is not easy if throws it's punches as you know. During this time in your life when you needed patience and understanding she was thinking only of what she would take from you "attention". She decided to walk away. Now my point is this, regardless of how much you love each other is there basic and real friendship present? My own situation for instance I'm not in a relationship or dating the lady in my life at present, but their is a very close friendship that existed naturally since day one. If I need her I know she would be there for me and it's the same me to her. Can you see where I'm going here? When people go through difficulties you sometimes have to take into account that situations can affect how that person acts and what that person presents to you. Fear distorts and so does Stress or Adversity. In those times your partner if they are truly mindful of this will acknowledge at these times it may not be you at your best on show. They have to maintain security in themselves and see that the feelings you display are not what you actually feel towards them. It's the ability to remain stable and "let go" what needs to be let go of. Instead of making a selfish judgement of your behavior.

I appreciate it may take a lot a "Mindfulness" to be that aware in a handling of a situation. To know what is correct at the right time and trust that it's correct. She may not be in a position to judge that. There may also be more to the situation than you've told us here so please forgive me if my reading of this situation is not one based on full facts as I do only have what you've written to take into account.; January 4, 2015 at 9:04 AM
Peter said...: Cont...

Please understand that I'm NOT saying it's correct to neglect who we love. She may feel you've done that and you may feel you have too. I'm simply saying that if you love someone they should be worth the time and accurate appreciation of the situation. As you said the first year was great but the difficulties came and she walked away. There is a difference between someone who neglects/abuses you and someone genuinely needing of understanding and patience. In your situation I don't think she was correct entirely in her handling of it. I know that not everyone is capable of what I'm stating here, and we are all only human but I hope you can see my perspective.

I hope you can understand that I'm not getting at you or the lady in your life your circumstances are your own, but I'm simply trying to give you another perspective to consider before you completely blame yourself. It could simply be a case of things getting lost in the situation and you need to regain what was lost as MOA states.

Whatever you decide I wish you well in your pursuit of this lady. MOA presents some fine solutions to your situation of reconnecting. I could be wrong in my opinion and my values may not be everyone's so take this as you please and I wish you all best.

P.S..A little about the thoughtfulness that MOA speaks of....you've known this lady for two years. You have all you need to make something special. It always pays to listen and observe more than we speak when it comes to thoughtfulness. So think back through your memory remember any little comments, reactions, emotions and use it to make something that can be only for her. Flowers as MOA says are excellent, but never underestimate a gift, the right evening out etc. By right I mean "right for her". This will tell her all she needs to know, and as MOA states give her time to react to it..she will when she is ready to.; January 4, 2015 at 9:04 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Male,
As you can see, Peter and I have opposing viewpoints on the matter, and I based my response on the fact that you said you felt terrible about how you treated her, hence you felt you had done something wrong.

Maybe you can clarify a bit on the details leading up to this?; January 4, 2015 at 12:57 PM
Anonymous said...: @ Mirror - Peter

Thank you all for the feedback...

I’m a male and sorry for not making that clear.

I have known her for two years. She is a very caring person that does not handle sad times very well. Unfortunate we had to attend some funerals in 2014 of her friends and she doesn’t handle them well. She has told me many times while attending them. She drove three hours to meet me for my brother’s funeral and she did make the trip to see my mother. I really felt she tried as much as she could with two kids at home.

I feel she spent the last year trying to get my attention. She will tell me she would lay in bed after I fell asleep crying because I wouldn’t want to be with her. She said it is so hard to be attracted to someone and get nothing in return. She said it made her feel unattractive and ugly. That breaks my heart... She would send me pictures of wedding rings, places where she would like to go for the honeymoon. Houses she would like to look at. I honestly feel she done everything she could to get my attention. I was so focused on my company so we could be financially stable in the future. At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing. But when she pulled away... That’s when it hit me... I was so wrong. On one hand I’m thankful she took the step she did so it would wake me up. Like I mentioned on the phone the other day the man she knew in 2014 is neither the man she met nor the man I am today. I just need the chance to prove it to her...

She had her issues to deal with as well when my mother and brother issues arrived. She was dealing with a landlord that would not fix anything at her home. So when she said something he gave her a 30 day notice to move. She had to be out that house two weeks before Thanksgiving. She was stressed and I tried to support her as much as I could. 2014 was a tough year for the both of us. I just hope this is something that we can work though. I truly believe she loved me and still may love me but it’s covered up with all the negative events and neglecting her.

I appreciate all the feedback...; January 4, 2015 at 6:09 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror - I appreciate all of your amazing advice. My Taurus man and myself have been in somewhat of a relationship the last 9 months. We both have very busy lives so at the most we saw each other once every couple of weeks – which was perfect. We did chat on the phone at least every other day and almost daily via social media. Yes, we have been sleeping together and though it had not been discussed we were not dating others.

He is very guarded with his feelings, early on, in conversation I learned about a couple of very bad break-ups he had - I know he has a major fear of being hurt again. We never had the conversation about our feelings. Since it has been 8 months I thought it was time to discuss where this was going. He is a Taurus and I knew I was heading down a touchy path. Of course as expected he first said he had not thought about our future, then after a day or so, said he really liked me, back and forth – basically he stumbled all over the place. I just sat back and listened to his constant stumbling it was sad and at times quite comical. What comes out of his mouth and his actions are quite different. I know he genuinely cares. It makes me frustrated as all can be that he can’t admit his feelings. Bottom line I called him on it and told him if he didn’t know how he felt then we need to end this. Of course I am questioning my actions but I wanted your thoughts. I am instituting no contact in hopes this will give him the time to think and he will finally swallow his pride and come clean with me. Taurus men can be so difficult and tend to dig their heals in esp when it comes to expressing their feelings. I wonder if should remove him from my social media (i am very active on facebook)? And how long do you think I should give him before I completely write him off? Any other thoughts? Why Taurus men play these games I will never understand. Thanks for your advice!; January 4, 2015 at 7:09 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Male,
Okay I see. Yes, it's been a very trying year for the both of you, and it appears that you each need to reconnect and find the romance and passion and enjoyable times that you once shared all over again.

As a result, I stand by my original suggestion in my previous comment about the "soft approach." She needs to feel desired once again, and you need to feel appreciated. I think that simple gesture of the flowers can jump start that process here. You send her the flowers, she'll feel desired and she'll reach out to thank you, and in doing so, you'll feel appreciated.

After that, you can tell her that you'd like to take her out and treat her special one night - because she deserves it. Make sure you state that it's because you think she deserves it, so that she drops her guard a bit and begins to enjoy the thought of that. Then offer to take her to a really nice place for dinner - when she's ready. Bring your best foot forward and make it a really nice offer, a really nice place - not because it's expensive, but because it provides an excuse for her to get all dressed up like a lady, to express her feminine side, and feel special. If you don't think she'd have anything appropriate to wear, offer to buy her a nice dress - or better yet, send her one like they do in the movies LOL. You know the kind I'm talking about, where a big white box with a red ribbon shows up and a beautiful new dress is inside LOL ;-) You can always offer to take her shopping for one as well if you think she'd be open to that.

I realize these things sound corny to many modern men - but they do work. They do deliver the intended effect. What woman is going to complain about receiving flowers and a beautiful new dress and an offer to a great evening out, ya' know?

Romance is NOT dead these days - it's just lying around on the floor gasping for breath is all LOL ;-)

Ignite your masculine roots and her feminine ways by injecting a bit of good ole' fashion romance into the situation - and don't expect immediate results, give it time to sink in.

I once had a male friend who was in a 2 year relationship and had recently suffered a break up come to me and ask what to do to get the woman's attention again. I suggested a vase of orchids. He saw the price ($80), balked at that, and then made a remark like, "Really? Don't you think that's a bit corny?"

I explained that to him it might have been, but to women it means a lot to see a man be willing to act a bit corny for her LOL, and I convinced him to purchase the orchids and have them delivered to her door. He grumbled, repeatedly told me he felt stupid and that she wasn't that kind of girl, never required that sort of thing from him in the past so he didn't think she'd respond to it and he thought she'd think he was desperate and dumb for doing it blah, blah, blah.

We ordered the flowers and had asked for them to be delivered between 2PM and 3PM. I told him to call me the day they were delivered at 4PM - to thank me - because she will have already contacted him by then and signaled her willingness to talk. (She hadn't even answered any of his calls in weeks).

The delivery day came, my phone rang at 4PM - and he thanked me - because she had already called, stated she was floored that he did that, and told me that they had dinner plans already to talk that weekend ;-); January 5, 2015 at 5:55 PM
Gem50 said...: @ Anonymous Male, The suggestions Ms. Mirror offers will work. p.s. AND have fun doing them (smiles)

@ Ms. Mirror, Romance is NOT dead - it's just lying on the floor gasping for breath!
That quote belongs on a plaque.... on my front porch. lol; January 5, 2015 at 6:22 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you Mirror-

I sent the orchids today. They were suppose to be delivered after 4 pm. For some reason I don't think she will say anything. I think the reason why she reached out last weeks is because she feels bad for what she did. She wanted to say sorry to make herself feel better. Once she got a response, now she doesn't feel bad. I won't hear from her.. I'm just surprised how quickly people can change.. It makes me wonder if she has another guy in the works. How she can move on so quickly is unknown to me... If she doesn't I'm ok with it. I tied and that's all I can do. If she wants to talk. She will know how to get in touch with me.

Thank you again...; January 5, 2015 at 7:20 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror-

I text message last night about the plants I sent her. She said “ Thank you very much for the plant”

I followed up with the suggestion you gave me. Keeping fingers crossed she will respond someday.
Is it possible for someone’s feelings to change so quickly? When I think about all the wedding ring pictures, houses and future plans.. It’s hard to wrap my head around how she walked away from everything we had…; January 6, 2015 at 8:46 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Male,
"I'm just surprised how quickly people can change.. How she can move on so quickly is unknown to me"

That stinks, I know. But I don't think she turned on a dime overnight. I think she probably began the process of emotional detachment months ago, and probably while still with you. She didn't do this on purpose, but based on your second comment where you shared her feelings, that tells me things were pretty bleak for her back then and chances are her emotions, as a self-preservation response, started to drift back then. And ever since, it was probably a slow continuation process and one she wasn't even aware of until the final break up.

It feels like something immediate to you because you're just now noticing it; you had a lot of justified distractions back then. But the reality is that it was probably happening for a while inside her unfortunately.

But that doesn't mean that all hope is lost. And if there is another guy in the picture, that doesn't mean all hope is lost either. Sometimes time and space are good things. Sometimes being apart pulls people back together. Sometimes dating other people makes a person appreciate what they had. (Read this site - dating it NOT what it's cracked up to be these days LOL.) And sometimes once those things unfold, people drift back to one another, just as they had previously drifted apart. So never say never.

I truly do hope this works out for you. Time may be necessary, but this will give her something to think about. And if she does end up dating some turd of a man, this will make you look like a rock star LOL ;-)

Keep your chin up, try as hard as you can to find the humor in the irony of life, stay true to yourself, don't beat yourself up and be prepared to give things some time. . .and the universe will see to it that all will be well someday :-); January 6, 2015 at 8:59 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror-

Thank you so much.. I think your right she started checking out long before she broke up. I know she is hurting. I can feel her pain.. What's the best way to help her through this? Time, space, talking? I feel that I'm the one that caused all the hurt for her. Am I the only one who can help her? Looking for ideas on how I can help.; January 6, 2015 at 1:45 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 4, 7:09 PM,
"What comes out of his mouth and his actions are quite different"

It's always a BIG red flag when someone's words and actions don't line up dear :-(

"somewhat of a relationship the last 9 months. . .though it had not been discussed we were not dating others. . .it was time to discuss where this was going. . .said he had not thought about our future. . .said he really liked me – basically he stumbled all over the place"

Well, your answer is in his ACTIONS - NOT his WORDS.

When someone doesn't say YES, then the answer is NO. And regretfully, I'm not hearing that this man said "yes" to any of this. What it does seem like is that a commitment was assumed - but had never been formally asked for. It sounds as if you assumed this was a "somewhat of a relationship" and "though it had not been discussed we were not dating others." When the reality is that those things are never concrete, and never to be assumed, unless they're discussed and asked for :-(

"how long do you think I should give him before I completely write him off?"

I wouldn't wait around on a man that, after 8 months of dating says "he had not thought about our future" and then "stumbled all over the place" when asked about it and then double-talks because "what comes out of his mouth and his actions are quite different."

Again, the answer is in his ACTIONS dear, not his WORDS :-(; January 6, 2015 at 5:07 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Male,
"What's the best way to help her through this? Time, space, talking? I feel that I'm the one that caused all the hurt for her. Am I the only one who can help her?"

Well honestly, I think so much has happened that time and space are what's needed here. It's like that old saying, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, then it never was." That's easier said than done, I realize that, yet it's very true.

And I'd be more apt to suggest that you keep charging ahead, however, you both have experienced some really tough times and her response to those orchids was, quite frankly, a bit surprising. I'm surprised SHE wasn't the one to initiate a thank you from that, and that's kinda' making me suspicious of her in a way because it's a bit ignorant to do that, regardless of what's transpired. And I don't want to compound your worries and anxieties here over this, but when you kinda started thinking another guy was in the picture, that kinda' lined up with her response.

Because one of the only reasons I can think of that someone would do that, would not initiate a thank you for that, is if something stood in the way of that. But let's not jump to conclusions about that because it's mere speculation at this point. And like I said, IF that's the case, this could actually turn out to be a blessing for you. . .because like I stated once before, have you READ this site LOL??? Have you read the HORROR stories here women are sharing about modern day dating? Saying that modern day dating is no "day at the beach" would be a severe understatement these days. Sure, it all begins brightly - but how it ends these days is a whole other story. . .and it usually ends by the 3rd month LOL. . .that's a modern day "relationship" these days - a 3 month fling.

So IF that's the case, I could be wrong here, but my guess is that this may seem like a good idea. . .but the chances of some other guy "blowing it" are HUGE. Dating these days has a lot of "ignorance" and sociopathic behavior layered into it and most times, like I said, when you do date others. . .all it does it make you appreciate what you PREVIOUSLY had that was good - a LOT more. So you see, even IF that's the case, this is NOT a death blow to any future with her by any means in my opinion, and I'm sure a lot of the women reading here would agree with me on that. Because even if 40% of what you had with her was bad, that 60% that was good. . .is a MUCH higher percentage of good than she'll most likely find out there with someone else these days LOL.

So my suggestion would be to leave the door open, but take a back seat here for a while and let things play out for a little bit, because things might unfold right before your very eyes by doing so. Touching base once a week or two would be acceptable, see if she's still responding, and if so - keep your chin up because that's a good thing. If she's not cutting you off completely - then the door is still open. So I'd just continue to leave that door open, lend your support, see if she continues to respond, and let things play out a bit so you can get a better feel for what's going on and where things may be headed. None of this will happen overnight - but that doesn't mean that nothing good won't come of it. These things always take time, so give things time - give her time to MISS YOU - and see if that doesn't bring her around again eventually.; January 6, 2015 at 5:23 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror-

Thank you.. I'm sorry if I didn't communicate this with you.. But she did send me a text when she received the orchids. Here text said “ Thank you very much for the plant”. So she did reach out to me. I will say, I don't think she has closed the door.. I have not tried this. I think If I called her she would take my call. I don;t want to call her now and destroy anything I have left with her. I will give her time and space and try to reach out every couple weeks.. It will be a good test to see if she reaches out to me first..; January 6, 2015 at 8:14 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi
I recently broke it off I am the dumper with this guy I had been seeing for 9 months. He would disappear and reappear, and communicate sporadically throughout. The problem is I really liked him. We got along great, amazing chemistry. I am having second thoughts whether I did the right thing. I miss him and the reason I broke it off over Valentines Day he was supposed to let me know if he was able to get off work early and come over for dinner but I hadn't heard from him. He sent me a Happy Valentines day text with a dozen roses- earlier in the day -which I thought was the easiest thing to do. I think I finally got fed up because he would do this disconnect with me so I stood up for myself and texted him he needed to be respectful of me and let me know. I said I question how you value me. The previous week was my birthday and it was great,with him but I worried up until the day if he was going to follow through because he had cancelled on me the previous week due to work. I know this sounds like an easy decision to leave but it wasn't. He is an engineer type, not a player, I loved being with him, I wanted more. I had talks with him about the lack of communication and the relationship and he said said he wanted the same as me, but his actions didn't seem to match his words. He mirrored a lot of the things I said I started to realize. What does that mean? Anyway, he never responded to my text on Valentines day. He would do this, wait to respond the when I thought it was over he would pop up. I waited a couple of days and when I heard nothing wrote him a break up email. It was straight forward and kind. I left crack in it so see if he would respond back. He didn't nothing. I feel like an addict who needs her fix, I miss him and feel like I messed up by breaking up with him. In my heart I really really wanted him to fight for me. Now I am thinking of all kinds of crazy crap to poke him to see if I can get a response. You are right in the article that if a woman goes back she opens herself up to rejection etc. Please help with any advice etc that will put some sense in my head. Why why do I want to chase this man who throws me only breadcrumbs back into my life when he is not showing me he cares. Why isn't he contacting me to do damage control??? I thought I was helping myself by breaking up with him but it only makes me yearn for him more and question myself it.
Thank you
Confused Dumper; February 25, 2015 at 3:02 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 25, 3:02 AM,
"Why why do I want to chase this man who throws me only breadcrumbs back into my life when he is not showing me he cares."

Because you may be seeking validation from him that you're worthy - worthy of his attention. You don't need his attention to make you happy. Your happiness cannot come from another human being, it has to come from within you. A man can add to your happiness, but he should not BE your happiness. If you have a full life, there are other things there that can add to your happiness - your interests, your hobbies, your friends, you families, nights out with the girls, pets, exercising, shopping - all kinds of things can bring you joy. Trouble is, when you stop participating in those things, in life, or you cease focusing on them and you direct all your attention and energy into a man. . .when he's gone, there's nothing to fall back on, ya' know?

So I'd suggest keeping yourself busy, very busy, with things that you enjoy and things that build your confidence and make you happy. The more you can start participating in those types of activities, the less you'll be focused on the one thing that isn't working.

"Why isn't he contacting me to do damage control???"

Only he know that BUT - that should tell you something. That should tell you that this relationship was not all that you had thought it was, nor was he. Engineer's can be players too, and they can use player tactics as well. Being a player has less to do with what you look like and more to do with your actions (or lack thereof) and how you make others feel, and if you use them, dispose of them, etc. And while there are stereotypical looking players out there, there are also corporate type players as well - they're all men and they're all capable of the same exact thing, regardless of what they look like.

And when someone disappears and reappears, bails or cancels, is inconsistent, yanks your chains, is apathetic and doesn't care, is non-responsive and their actions do not align with their words - it is what it is, and that should tell you something. . .and I would listen to what those actions say. I would have faith that I made the right decision for myself and that someone who truly does want what I want and values me will come along instead because I have just made room in my life for that to happen with someone new :-); February 25, 2015 at 7:56 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror
I have been sort of on and off with a libra man who was in the beginning of ending his relationship with his live-in girlfriend. At the time we started to talk, he did tell me that he was unhappy and basically going through a breakup with his taurus gf. They were together on and off for about 10 years where they dated other people and one time he got caught and he begged her to stay. She did end up staying, but he says that they have a lot of ups and downs, and that with me he feels something different that he has never felt before. That he is happy with me. Well after I noticed that he pulled one of the disappearing acts for a few days, he finally told me that they had a talk and that she wanted to work things out and not fight with him anymore. This is where he felt guilty, and decided that maybe he and I should be friends. I don't do the friend thing, I'm a gemini woman, and once I'm done with someone, I'm done. I only stayed around because he told me its pretty much over. ( Yes I was very naive to believe this and this is the first time I have ever been in this sort of situation) . So I cut off all contact with him and then about 2 months into no contact, he reaches out to me and tells me he misses me, and that things are the same with he and his girl, always fighting, ups and downs, etc. I told him if you are that unhappy, then why don't you break up ( not to be with me but to just do it on his own, for his own happiness) and he said he felt guilty because he was the one who begged her to stay after he cheated and that currently she is on disability from work and that he just cant kick her out of his house. I stepped away because 1. messy guy 2. he doesn't have the balls to do what he wants to do to be happy 3. he is a taken man, not available for me to even see if there is something there. I proceeded with the no contact, then 1 week shy of 3 months, he sends me flowers, we started to talk again, mostly texting. Said he had missed me and that he is happy with me. He pulls another disappearing act, then tells me that he can't give me what I want , and that he is in a tough situation with a lot of time invested with her, and that he cares about me and wants me to be happy and that I should see other people. He then says any guy would be lucky to have me.. ok, I tell him, well just to let you know, I don't want to have any contact with you, because its kinda hard to get over him and date other people. I told him that I had a date coming up, and he got very upset because he thought I was talking to someone else on the phone before I went out on the date. I told him "it is a blind date my friend set up. What else was I suppose to do, he clearly made his choice". I got no response from him and my date is tonight. He has not contacted me and I just want to have a fresh start. If he does contact me, how should I respond? He tried to give me the vibe that he wants me but can't have me. The way I see it is if he really wanted me, then he would make it happen. He would break it off, go through the grieving process and then see what it is that he wants, if its pursuing me or someone else who would make him happy. It's like he wants me to wait for things to end with his gf, but if his gf doesn't dump him, he won't feel guilty since he told me its ok for me to date others, if I chose to wait for him when he told me not to. Please Mirror, what are your thoughts, please be brutally honest with me.. Thank you.; May 9, 2015 at 6:31 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 9, 6:31 PM,
"how should I respond?"

Don't respond - at all - ever again.

There's a pattern playing out here in his life and if YOU are not the one to break it, then it's never going to happen. Don't rely on him to walk away from you. Don't wait on HIM to call the shots. He's not capable of walking away and he never will. Instead, he'll keep his pattern of behavior in play.

This man has been "on again, off again" with this woman for 10 years. That's an incredibly long time to be indecisive. And if you keep permitting him to return back into your life, you may end up in the same shoes as his GF ten years from now - on again, off again, a decade of indecision and excuses about being "guilted" to stay. . .when the reality is more likely that this man is simply unable to commit, to anyone or anything, for any significant length of time. Which is why it's on, then off, then he's gone, then he's back, then he stays but cheats, then he leaves, then he returns, then he claims it's the beginning of the end, then he claims he's guilted to stay.

A decade of this behavior isn't going to change any time soon. The man is most likely not cut out for commitment and that's why he's been caught in this loop of inconsistency and disruption for a decade now - he's restless and unsettled and unwilling to 100% settle down with anyone, clinging to a "Plan B" all the time as an "emergency escape" if need be.

If YOU don't break the cycle you're in with him right now - he could string this along for years with you, as he's already done with his GF. And even if he does decide to be with you, take into consideration how he's behaving right now - would you really even want to be this man's GF? Could you ever really even trust him? For all you know, things are great between them and she thinks he's happy, and everything he's saying is just a bunch of words to keep "options" for himself as escape plans, ya' know? Because his words and actions don't align, he says one thing and then does another, and you only know what he's telling you - so you don't even really know if what he's telling you is the truth really.

Love triangles are no fun, and you can fritter away years waiting for them to cease. There's a pattern playing out here and you're about to be swept up into it, so I'd just suggest giving the "big picture" here some serious thought before continuing to welcome him back into your life anymore.; May 12, 2015 at 8:36 AM
Anonymous said...: @MOA from Anonymous May 9, 6:31 PM "No longer Plan B"

Thank you so much for your response. I've been reading your posts for the last couple days, and its been helping me in seeing the big picture. After i've read your post on "saying no", a line that stuck out for me was " no, I dont deserve this" , this really hit home and thats when I had decided that the it was time to just let this go. After reading your response, I just wanted to ball up and cry, because everything you said and mentioned, is what my intuition was telling me in the beginning, but I chose to ignore. I allowed his words to cloud my better judgment. It saddens me that I allowed myself to be in this situation, and that I fell for his game. Your posts have given me strength, so I want to " stick it" to him! and what better way is there then by not responding?!
He has not contacted me since, and I am glad for this. Something tells me that he is using this as a way to sort of "punish me" for even thinking about moving on from him. Im ok with whatever he decides to think of me and/or this situation, because, as you mentioned before, he could care less about what I am thinking of him, based on his actions. Thank you for being brutally honest with me, I needed it to drive the point home.
I have a question though, He is a patient at my job and has an upcoming appointment in September of this year, since I am promising myself that I will never respond to him, how could I go about handling this? Meaning, I have to converse with him, so should I act like he's just another patient and have small talk or keep it short? what if he asks about my life, what can I say to sort of not answer any of his questions? I know he's going to want to know anything I'm up to and I don't think that its any of his business. I know this is months away, and by then I will feel much better and stronger mentally, but I just want to be prepared and have some type of response that doesn't give him any hint of what is going on in my life, because as far as I'm concerned, he has lost that privilege.
Thank you so much.; May 12, 2015 at 6:46 PM
Anonymous said...: Part 1 of 2...Hi, I love your advice and have been reading for a while. I need some help because I can't stop thinking about what happened. I was dating someone for over 2 years, we are both divorced with kids and in our 40's, he's a pisces and I'm a gemini. I was extremely happy until we broke up about 3 weeks ago. My issue with him was that I was concerned that our relationship wouldn't come before his kids. That is important when blending families. We have very different parenting styles where I discipline have rules etc. He doesn't and his kids are out of control. He has a lot of drama with his exwife but he his a good dad. We did talk about getting married eventually because he wouldn't move in unless we were married. My concern is his son does no listen and he doesn't discipline him or give him the rules he needs, doesn't follow through. Our kids got along most of the time until his son who has ADHD was taken off his medication. My kids found him very annoying understandably. I knew until he gets things worked out with him, I would not be able to live together, for my kids sake, but I was fine with the way things were. He brought up concerns of his kind of out of the blue, which were that I don't connect with his kids, he felt I didn't go out of my way for him (which by the way is absolutely absurd), he was worried that I wouldn't be able to cook dinner and he would have to do a lot since I have a high profile job, he said he didn't want to be alone so much during the week on the nights he didn't have his kids. Mind you, I am crazy busy after the work since my kids are athletic, his kids don't do anything so he doesn't have any idea what it's like. My kids are 10 and 13 and very well behaved. I am financially stable and independent as well. His alimony ends in December so I am thinking this caused him to realize that we aren't ready to get married and he freaked. He said due to his situation he didn't think he could get married for 10 years. I would be happy not getting married and I never even brought it up. He is a therapist part time which is scary because he has no communication skills. After this conversation, I said if you feel this way about me and are picking me apart, we should end it since it sounds like he made his decision. He said no that is not what he wanted, he wanted to make us better etc. So after that we continued on a few weeks and I started to resent and be angry with him. I feel that he can be arrogant has this false sense of entitlement. He has nothing to bring to the table at all. I love him, loved being with him and all of that but as far as financially and him going out of his way for me, that never happened. It just didn't matter until this because it wasn't what was important to me. He was always over my house with or without the kids including my mom's vacation home in the summer. His life changed for the better when he met me, mine didn't which was OK. Now that he picked me apart, it made me look deeper. I feel like he has nerve to let me go when we were happy and these things could have been easily corrected over time. So 3 weeks ago, he said that we should talk because he feels like I am angry toward him. I said he was right and I feel that he kind of ruined us by saying all of those things. We weren't getting married any time soon so not sure why he brought all of that up like that. I did say that I tried my best with his kids but they are still after 5 years (ages 9 and 12) having a hard time with his divorce. I refused to push myself on them, I was nice included them and did everything I could to make them feel welcome. He didn't think that was good enough and felt I should have had a closer relationship with them. I come from divorced parents and I know what I was doing with the kids was the right way. His kids are not warm and friendly, nothing bad, it's just how they are so I felt that I did my best.; July 9, 2015 at 1:19 PM
Anonymous said...: Part 2 of 2..... He also ridiculously doted on them so that did get to me but it was something I think we could have worked through. One other incident I thought of is about a year ago, I Was in a very serious car accident. I called him to tell him, he was having ice cream with his kids and just said for me to let him know if I need him. I am not the type to ask for help, meanwhile my car was totaled. I was hurt but let it go at the time, thinking back, I think it was very selfish and uncaring of him. This made it more clear that I will never come before his kids which is not going to work. Just wanted to throw that in so you can see what I started to see. Anyway, I told him to leave after we had this conversation since he obviously made up his mind. I was hysterical crying and he didn't even hug me or comfort me in any way. I told him he should have fought for us, he said he did by telling me his issues. So here I am 3 weeks later and he has not tried to contact me in any way, nor have I and I will not. After over 2 years, nothing just like that? I am really hurt and confused. What are your thoughts? Sorry it's so long but I wanted to give you as much information as I could.; July 9, 2015 at 1:23 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jul 9, 1:19 PM,
"After over 2 years, nothing just like that? I am really hurt and confused. What are your thoughts?"

Well I hate to say this, but I think this was for the best. Because it sounds to me like he's looking for you to become an instant step-mother to his children, when in reality that's not the case - you two are only dating, not married. Additionally, the focus here from him seems to be on his family and his children, with no mention of yours or your family.

He's voicing concerns about what you're doing, or not doing, for his children, yet I see no mention or concern from him about what he's doing for your own children. Because if he wants step-mothering to occur, then that means he's got to invest in step-fathering as well to a degree. Yet all I see him focused on is what he expects from you, and not what he intends to provide for you. So it's sounding very "one way" here and not reciprocal, as a blended family needs to be.

"he was worried that I wouldn't be able to cook dinner and he would have to do a lot since I have a high profile job"

Umm - dinner? He's worried about who's going to cook dinner for him and his kids, and concerned about the fact that it might not be you? Does he need a maid or a housekeeper, is that what he's looking for here? This makes no sense to me because guess what? If he's not with you - he's the one who's required to cook and provide meals for his children anyway. So what difference does it make if when he's with you, that responsibility still falls on him? If he's not with you, it still falls on him anyway - so this makes no sense and only further convinces me that this man is seeking someone to step in and parent for him so he can free himself from these responsibilities to a degree by dumping them into someone else's lap.

He's not talking about love here - he's talking about "duties" and what he thinks you need to "do, do, do" for him and his kids - and he's not talking about sharing these duties as a family, he's talking about how he thinks they should automatically be YOURS.

"He brought up concerns of his kind of out of the blue, which were that I don't connect with his kids"

Again - more of "what can you do for me." If he feels you're not connecting with his children, what's he doing to encourage his children to open up to you? Blended families need to take baby steps towards "meshing." It can't be one side doing all of the advancing, while the other side sits there with scorecards judging whether or not the advance was performed correctly or not.

"he felt I didn't go out of my way for him"

Again - more of "what can you do for me." Go out of your way for him how? By babysitting for him? By cooking for him and his kids? By performing the duties of a step-mother when you're not even officially one? And if he's looking to receive something, what has he done to provide something to begin the reciprocal process of give and take?

He's really coming across as if he's seeking someone to "do, do, do" for him. I think he needs to hire a nanny, and maybe just forget about shopping for a step-mother in the dating world.

Cont. . .; July 11, 2015 at 12:16 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "he said he didn't want to be alone so much during the week on the nights he didn't have his kids"

Huh? One minute he's claiming he's going to have too much work to do by being solely responsible to feed his own children, then the next minute he's complaining about having to be alone? You'd think if the duties of parenting are an overwhelming concern for him, that he'd welcome a bit of down time alone in between.

"He said due to his situation he didn't think he could get married for 10 years."

What?? A decade? Wait a minute. This guy wants you to accept the role of step-mother and perform the associated duties that come with it like cooking meals for his children. . .but he has no intention of actually making that role "official" for an entire decade???

LOL - I'm sorry. . .but that's a ridiculous expectation. It amounts to saying, "Give your ALL to me and my children for the next decade and maybe I'll marry you." Like he's expecting you to earn the marriage by putting 10 years hard time in first.

"I said if you feel this way about me and are picking me apart, we should end it since it sounds like he made his decision. He said no that is not what he wanted, he wanted to make us better etc."

So what's his investment in making things better? What does HE intend to do to make things better? What work on himself is he going to do, to do his part in this? And what does he think "better" is - you becoming his nanny for a decade, proving yourself for 10 years before he even considers marriage?

"I feel that he can be arrogant has this false sense of entitlement."

Umm - yea, I'd say that's definitely so.

"I feel like he has nerve to let me go when we were happy and these things could have been easily corrected over time."

This man has NO intention of letting you go dear - this is emotional manipulation intended to trigger your insecurities so that you feel "less" or not good enough. . .which in turn causes the psychological response of trying harder and "do, do, doing" more for him. It's a psychological tactic, and given his background "he is a therapist" - he's well versed in this.

"I was nice included them [his children] and did everything I could to make them feel welcome. He didn't think that was good enough and felt I should have had a closer relationship with them."

Yea - he's expecting you to invest heavily into them by being a full blown step-mother to them, while you wait around a decade for him to actually make that the "official" case through marriage.

Cont. . .; July 11, 2015 at 12:16 PM

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