"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

How Do You Find A Good Man?

I don’t know. But if you find one, let me know how you did it.

Okay, that’s obviously just my sarcastic sense of humor at work. Although I will admit, finding a good man these days isn’t easy. It requires thought, work, time, effort, study, open eyes, flexibility and an open heart.

Can anyone say, “Second job?”

Again, that’s just my sarcastic sense of humor. I’ve found a few good men. One of them, I stupidly let go - twice. Another one, I found that we weren’t necessarily compatible. And a third, I just didn’t recognize at the time. So how do you find a good man? Well first of all, you don’t go out hunting for one. Men are the hunters, women are the prey and that never changes. Besides, wondrous things generally happen purely by chance.

As a result, I’d rather focus on how to spot a good man - once he’s standing in front of you. And this is going to involve a lot of women’s intuition, study of body language, observations of the behavior and speech of a man – and a good, strong dose of common sense.

Sociopathic and Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Before we get started, there are some psychological fundamentals here that you need to understand, so that you can spot a good guy from a bad guy.

Research suggests that there’s a phenomenon happening. And that phenomenon is the rise of sociopaths. That’s right. They’re living next door to you, they’re in leadership positions, they’re in the U.S. government, they’re at the grocery store and they're at your local bar and watering holes.

Martha Stout, Clinical Instructor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, estimates in her book, The Sociopath Next Door, that 4% of the population are sociopaths that lack a sense of conscious, cannot experience empathy and sympathy for others and cannot develop affectionate feelings for living creatures, animal or human.

While 4% might not sound like a lot to you, consider that in the U.S. alone, that represents 12 million people. Now let’s throw Narcissistic Personality Disorder into the mix, a disorder that involves arrogant behavior, high self-esteem, a lack of empathy for others and a constant need for admiration from others. Some claim those with narcissistic personality disorder represent 1% to 6% of the population. Combine that with the population of sociopaths and you have anywhere from 5% to 10% of the population either sociopathic or narcissistic in nature – or both. That means there are approximately 24 million plus individuals, in the U.S. alone, which are sociopathic or narcissistic. And that's leaving out psychopaths entirely from the equation.

There are subtle differences between the three:

Sociopath: Social and charming. A con-artist with more criminal traits than violent ones. Disregard for law, authority and the rights of others. Pathological liars. Parasitic lifestyle, sucking off of others. Promiscuous sexual behavior, lack of long term relationships (friendship, romantic or otherwise), impulsive and irresponsible, prone to boredom. Christian Bale in the movie "American Psycho" is the perfect example as is Ted Bundy, the serial killer who charmed women to their ultimate deaths.

Narcissist: Elitist and loves to be adored and admired. Feels entitled. Grandiosity and inflated self-image. Arrogant and egotistical. Gordon Gecko in the movie "Wall Street" and Richard Gere in the movie "American Gigolo" are prime examples.

Psychopath: Abnormal violent criminal behavior. Anti-social and reclusive. Lack of behavior control and remorse, even when caught. Lack of friends and close family. Lack of care for hygiene and appearance. High intelligence. Ted Kaczynski, otherwise known as the Unabomber, is a perfect example. As a child he was considered a prodigy, having an IQ of 167 (Genius), and was accepted into Harvard University at the age of 16. He earned a PhD in mathematics from the University of Michigan and became an assistant professor at the University of California at age 25. Ultimately living as a recluse in a cabin in the woods, where he created bombs he used to kill people.

And they’re not easy to spot, ladies. As a matter of fact, many of them are successful, accomplished men in powerful, respected career positions. Don’t believe me? I suggest you grab a copy of the book, The Wisdom of Psychopaths: What Saints, Spies and Serial Killers Can Teach Us about Success, by Kevin Dutton. After years of study, Kevin determined that men/women in powerful, respected positions of leadership and authority actually have the same traits as serial killers and psychopaths. And it’s those very traits that propel them to the top: fearless, confident, high self-esteem, charming, ruthless and laser focused. Qualities that “are tailor-made for success in the 21st century” as Kevin puts it.

And I couldn’t agree more. Let’s face it; you have to run people over to climb to the top. If you’re not comfortable with that, you won’t get there. Someone else will come along and run you over instead.

Now that you have a basic understanding of sociopathic behavior and narcissistic personality disorder and a clear understanding of how prevalent these personality disorders are becoming, we’re going to explore what men like this might actually look like.

He’s The Guy Next Door: A Doctor, A Lawyer, A Politician, A Powerful CEO, A Jock

Not quite what you were expecting, huh? The local high school and/or college star football player might be a narcissist? That good looking doctor who seemed so helpful might be a sociopath? Your neighbor who obsesses over how clean their car is every Saturday but won’t say hello to you might have psychopathic tendencies? And that successful businessman who took you to dinner last night might be all of the above?

Yes. That’s the reality.

And here are some red flags to help you identify them:
  • The man who has tons of friends on Facebook that he hardly, if at all, even knows personally (need for admiration). *Ladies, click the link there to see research that suggests that those with unrealistic numbers of Facebook friends tend to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
  • That cute bartender that goes home with half a dozen women’s phone numbers every night (ego, arrogance and need for admiration).
  • That charming attorney that throws his weight and power around in the court system all day (inflated self-image).
  • The guy who brags openly to you (and complains) about all the (crazy) women chasing him down (ego and inflated arrogance).
  • That contractor that looks you in the eye and says, “You can trust me” but never finishes the job (guile and deception).
  • The man who asks for compliments (need for admiration).
  • That star football player that receives kudos from everyone standing within 2 feet of him, daily (arrogance and inflated self-image).
  • The guy that scores women’s looks on a scale of 1 to 10 (objectifies and lacks empathy).
  • The man who always uses “me” when conversing about matters that refer to “us” (preferential treatment, selfishness).
  • That charming fella’ that throws out loads of compliments, future promises and talk of love after three dates (pseudo-intimacy).
  • The man who says one thing but does another (guile, manipulation and deception).
  • The man who repeatedly blames you when he does something wrong (elitist, sees himself without fault).
  • The guy who doesn’t call you but rather believes you should be calling him (arrogance, manipulation and need for admiration).
  • They guy who laughs at inappropriate moments, such as when you’ve seriously injured yourself or are suffering emotionally (lack of sympathy and empathy for others).
  • The guy at the bar who is the loudest and is bragging about how successful he is (center of attention, ego and inflated self-image).
  • The man who is willing to stop at nothing to win (fearless, ruthless, competitive, laser focused).
Those are just a few examples, ladies. But you get the idea.

Men that are charming, men that use lots of compliments at early stages, men that are arrogant, men that are unemotional, men that can’t relate, men that find humor in appropriate situations, men who dislike animals – what do they all have in common?

Selfishness: The Inability to Think of, Care For, or Care About Others

To me, that’s the number one trait, the initial red flag, of a bad guy. It speaks volumes about their character and it’s selfishness that opens the doors to all of the other uncaring, self-centered, unsympathetic behavior that usually follows. Let’s face it, when you’re selfish, it’s easy not to care. It’s easy not to think about others. It’s easy to laugh at inappropriate things. It’s easy to think you’re wonderful. And it’s easy to deceive people.


Because selfish people could care less: About the outcome and what you, and others, think of them.

That’s not what’s important to them. Making you happy isn’t important to them. Pleasing you isn’t important to them. Doing the right thing isn’t important to them.

The only thing that is important to them is: Forcing their will onto others via any means possible.

And when you break it down like that, it becomes easy to see, crystal clear as a matter of fact, that a selfish individual won’t make a good partner in life – or a satisfying lover for that matter.

So How Do You Find A Good Man?

Well, you start by letting HIM find YOU first (a man that is genuinely interested in you has a much higher likelihood of entering into a long term relationship with you). And then you make sure that he’s none of the above.

Your first task is to observe. Through this initial observation, you watch his behavior and you pay very close attention to what comes out of his mouth.

Your initial goal is to determine: Is he selfish?

To determine that, you’re going to observe his behavior and speech and answer the following questions for yourself. This is how you actively take control of your dating life to find yourself a good man.

You ask yourself:
  • Does he lie, fib or over-exaggerate?
  • Does he charm his way in and out of things (like your pants)?
  • Does he do what he says he’s going to do (or does he just talk about it)?

The answers to those 3 questions above should be, No, No, Yes.

If you meet a man and find that the answers to the above 3 questions are opposite of the answers I’ve provided you – then you should run.

He’s a bad guy. He’s a liar, he’s a bullshitter and he’s a flake.

And the last time I looked up the definition of Prince Charming in the dictionary, it didn’t say, “Lying, bullshitting, flake.”

Related Posts with Thumbnails


Anonymous said...

Okay, I apologize that I stalk your page, but I really love the advice you offer. I understand completely that it is important for a good man to find you. That is how I have been raised; however, I believe the main issue for some single women is where do go to be found???????? if you are not a night club person and skeptical with online dating, where do you go? I personally am so over with people recommending church to meet men. Some men prey on women at church!

Also, I also believe you can tell a lot about a person by how they drive their vehicles.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

LOL, don't worry about stalking this site, that's what it's here for. I'm attempting to build a community here where women can lean on each other for support. So the fact that you come back tells me you feel a part of the community, which is a good thing.

I knew women would land here and want to know WHERE to meet men. And I didn't address that here purposely because - there's no real answer for that. You simply have to get out is all. Because people meet in the most random ways.

For instance, I was selling an ATV this summer. One of the men who came to look at it acted interested. As it turned out, he was married, LOL. But still, had he not been, that could've been an example.

Another time, I met a man on a forum on the internet. Not dating online, but having discussions in an ATV forum. And he turned out to be a fantastic man. I made the mistake of letting him go.

A girlfriend of mine is dating a man she met while working. She waits tables and he became a regular of sorts. Another friend met a man while shopping at the mall. They struck up a discussion about the clothing they were both looking at. One guy, I met was a contractor. I hired him to do work on my home. Another guy I met because we bump into each other at the local gas station constantly.

It just happens randomly, sweetie. So you need to just get out into the public, but more importantly - the real trick here, is:

To be approachable.

Sounds easy, right? Wrong. Men are actually intimidated to approach a total stranger who is female and make the moves on her. So the key is to take notice. Take notice when a man makes eye contact with you - it means something. Look away and then look back. If he stills looking, say something to him. Something generic like, "Damn, it's cold today" if you're at the gas station. Or, "I hate striped shirts" if you're at the mall, both looking at shirts. Once you crack that door open for a man and you acknowledge him like that, his natural instincts can kick in because he's like, "Ok, she's speaking to me."

But that isn't enough. You have to be willing to not only be approachable, but bold. If you have a brief conversation with a man and you think you'd like to know him better, you kinda have to give a big green light. Not just conversation because as much as a man likes that, again, he'll be too intimidated to ask for your number. I've actually had grown men in their 40's tell me they feel like scared little boys doing that.

So if you make generic conversation and you want to know this man, you end with, "Here's my number. You should really call me sometime." And you jot down your number and then take off. Don't linger, just leave him with that thought. Leave him excited that this actually happened to him. It makes them feel good and they'll go home and carry that thought with them for days.

I once did this to a man, and it took every ounce of energy in my body to take this chance with him. Later I bumped into his brother one night at a local watering hole. We got into generic conversation and out of the blue, he says to me, "You know what a guy really wants? You know what impresses a man? It's when a woman picks him. When a woman, out of all the available men out there, can look at a man and say, 'I pick you.' That's what a man really wants."

Cont . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I was embarrassed because I knew he was referring to what I had done with his brother. Which, by the way, we have't really ended up dating - but have become pretty good friends from. I'm not finished with him yet, LOL ;-)

But now, we're on each others radar. There's an opening there. I created an opportunity for myself by doing that.

So it's not like there's a field out there somewhere where they're growing good men . . good men are out there. You have to be out there, too, and be approachable and willing to take enough of a chance to crack open the door.

But once you do that, the rest is up to him. You don't chase him, he knows you're interested and that's enough. You give things time to grow, time to blossom, and you work the friendship first angle.

That's how you truly grow and develop worthwhile relationships with individuals.

And yes, I've made an ass out of myself sometimes. But you know what? Those have become some fantastic stories that me and my girlfriends all laugh at - what an ass I've been sometimes, LOL. So bold that my girlfriends gasp, "No! You didn't!" Umm, yes . . I did, LOL.

One time, a guy I liked (I didn't know he had a girlfriend) suddenly mentioned a girlfriend, several times in the conversation. I became somewhat annoyed with the news of a girlfriend, so out of nowhere (I have no censor sometimes), I spit out, "You need to get rid of her." He was shocked and was like, "Why?" At this point, I'm in complete knee-jerk reaction mode, and I blurt out, "So you can hang out with me."

After I said it, I was like, "OMG, you didn't just say that, did you?" Umm, yes . . . I did, LOL. And his reaction was a big smile slid across his face and he shook his head like, "Hmm, yea maybe we'll do that someday." After that, we became good friends and he told me one day that when I said that to him, he about fell off his chair. But he confessed, he thought it was hot. I told my male friends what I did, and without them knowing what he'd already said about it, the first thing out of their mouths was, "LOL! That was hot! I'd be flattered if a woman ever said something like that to me."

Just don't take it too far is all. Don't come off like a slut or some sort of homewrecker. I didn't steal that man away from his girlfriend, but from that day forward, he knew I liked him and we toyed with one another in fun, playful ways. When she's done with him, I'll move in, LOL. But I won't wreck what they have going. That's disrespectful, so don't go down that road if you find out a man is taken.

I've had lots of fun and laughs from my little bold moments, honey. And as you get more comfortable doing that, it's amazing what you can conjure up for yourself - from a simple trip to the gas station or the store, LOL ;-)

Be approachable.
Be fun.
Be assertive.
Be conversational.

And you'd be surprised what can come of that.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I should mention here too, that this is akin to a MAN finding YOU. Because you only get bold with the one's that are "eyeing" you or taking notice of you. That's a subtle signal to you that they're "picking" you. Especially when a glance lingers longer than 3 seconds from one.

So those are the only men you get bold with.

And I know it seems to go against the grain to be assertive and hand your number out. It doesn't seem like him coming for you, it seems the opposite.

However, HE noticed YOU first. All you're doing here is giving him the "green light" to proceed.

And once you do that, you let him do the rest. You let him take the lead and be a man. You let him call you and you let him pursue you.

So you're not chasing a man, you're simply noticing that he noticed you - and you're giving him the green light is all.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for responding. Your advice is on point!!!!!!! I will try it this week....:)

Anonymous said...

"LOL, don't worry about stalking this site, that's what it's here for. I'm attempting to build a community here where women can lean on each other for support. So the fact that you come back tells me you feel a part of the community, which is a good thing."

I am finding myself drawn to your site reading the comments from MOA and the readers, on a daily basis now! It's become my daily addiction for the past four weeks!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

That's great news :-)

And I hope that it's bringing you comfort, peace of mind, strength, the feeling of support and most importantly - empowering you as a woman.

Anonymous said...

The Mirror of Aphrodite. You are great and a genius, your articles are an inspiration for single women all over the world. I live in Europe and I read your articles. They really give me a good slap on the face- albeit virtually. I have a question : I met a guy from the internet, good job, similar age, single, etc. We went for a date twice it was nice and we had really an intelligent conversation. He was not all over me or trying to get me into bed- we did not even kiss but yes we flirted. He was going for three weeks- Xmas and New Years Holiday- he told me after the second date , at the ending of the date I am going to call you from home as well. Now this is a guy with a very good job and a few minutes call or messages for New Year is not a lot of money for him- I have not family here in this country only me and my dog- Only a message via Skype that he was at home and it would be nice if i could go there one day. I replied. Then nothing, niente, nada for three weeks, not a message for New Year nothing. He is already back few days here- I know because he told me when he was going to return. He has called twice today after I returned from work. I did not reply. Maybe I am being too strict- I have read a lot including your blog and lately I am being more bitchy than before-but a 31 year old should have called if he was interested right? Now, he owes me nothing and he was nice to me but I think he can not be that interested if he had time to connect via Skype and everything and not call. Should I acknowledge the fact he called? Thank you for your empowering posts

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

". .should have called if he was interested right?"


"Should I acknowledge the fact he called?"

Well, that's up to you. If you do, wait days before doing so. However, this behavior is a red flag so do NOT bury it under the rug for him by making excuses for him.

Your heads in the right place and your women's intuition is poking at you . . . listen to it.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your answer I do appreciate it! You are spot on. There were only two dates, maybe I am a romantic, but if we had two nice dates and he told he was going to call I expected to do so especially if he had time to be on Skype from time to time. A 5 minutes call wishing nice new year would have been nice. IF I go for a third date I know I should not bury it under the rag but, how to bring it up without sounding hurt? And yes I will certainly wait days before acknowledging the call but I think it should be by just a casual text... right?
Thank you for your time again

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror: I want your opinion on this situation: is it normal to date a man and he never request to be your friend on social media sites like LinkedIn or maybe facebook?????? Is he trying to hide something??? In this example, you are dating the guy for about 3 months.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Yea, it's normal. I do not friend people on social media that I date. And the reason is because I watch my other friends do this constantly - and they change all the time, LOL. When you stop dating, they unfriend. So it's friend, unfriend, friend, unfriend.

It's crazy, LOL.

I figure, why bother. And you have to remember, not everyone uses these sites constantly like some others do. I know people that check Facebook once a month, if that. And then I know others who live there all damn day.

I wouldn't read to much into it. And if it's really bothering you - just friend him.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror.... Thanks again for everything!!!!!

A good friend of mine always says that I don't wear clothes to compliment my wonderful shape...LOLOLOL! For example, she gets on me for not wearing dresses. I am a woman that loves to wear jeans. My question is do you believe one of the ways to attract a good man is to wear dresses and skirts???? I want to stand out but I don't want to men to like me for superficial reasons. What do you think?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

In all of the past 8 years that I've been actively dating, never once has a man made mention of a dress - except for one time when a guy wanted me to go to Chicago to see a show. That was it, LOL.

I live in jeans, I haven't crawled into a dress in a long time and it doesn't seem to affect things one way or another.

I don't think a dress is going to attract only good men, LOL . . I think any show of skin attracts ALL men. But again, I don't do that and it hasn't affected things one way or another.

Besides, I think there's a time and a place for dresses and skirts personally. Meaning, certain occasions call for them, but not all.

Evellyn said...

Well I think every woman has her own technique of getting a man, so I think it is not possible to generalize it. Also every man is different, I think it is a matter of time and space that you and the right guy are at the same time at the same place.

But this ist only my opinion...

Peter said...


"I live in jeans, I haven't crawled into a dress in a long time and it doesn't seem to affect things one way or another."

Giveme a woman in a mans denim shirt, jeans and cowboy boots anyday ;-) haha

I think a man looking for sex in my experience wants a woman dressed like she is on the look for sex too. However a man who likes you will love how you look in anything really.

Anonymous said...

I think if you want to downplay the feeling of getting dressed up wearing a dress or skirt, wear them with bulky ankle biker boots, ankle boots or flat ballet shows.

I feel men do treat me differently when I wear a dress, more like a lady?

I have heard men tell me they love it when women wear dresses and skirts, but I can't remember exactly what was said.

I also think any kind of skin is good, so jeans and a top showing your arms, or shoulders, or a V neck is good too.

I guess try a dress and skirt you're comfortable in and see if you feel different and men treat you different and then you will know.

Anonymous said...

Maybe Mirror has one of those perfect butts and legs that look great in a pair of jeans. Mine looks more flattering in a skirt/dress! LOL

Anonymous said...

I think you can look attractive in both!!!! It's all in how you wear it!!!! I do know that men do like women when they have a nice dress!

Peter said...

@MOA and the ladies,

Thought I would put this reply here because it relates to issues MOA and I have discussed but also questions on other posts.

1-Judge a man only by his actions. Mature well developed men who are interested in you for you will NOT use verbal communication any form. Texts, emails, social networking and even phone calls are for setting things up face to face. Phone cals are acceptable in certain situations they are better than other forms. Go only by face to face feel as much as possible.

2-Withhold yourself emotionally for longer and NEVER pursue him. TEST men for longer and in different ways. Look for how thoughtful he is? does he take the lead? does he love time together in a non sexual way can we still have the emotional connection and attraction? will he defend me? provide and look out for me? All of those things yu ick up when he courts you properly.MAKE HIM COURT YOU AND YOUR LOVE FOR HIM. From my perspective when a women does that and I have to do all the work to....WIN her over...I LOVE IT. Trust me I feel like I'm a hero getting my princess and thats how I see you too when I've WON you. You are a LADY, MY LADY and I worked hard to win you so you're going to damn well know well know your own value byt the time I'm done. Its THE same for all genuinely interested guys. Part of being a man so let him be one ;-)

3-Ladies just to hit this home. PLEASE WITHHOLD SEX FOR LONGER AND BE STRICTER ABOUT IT. Any guy pursuing you will want you in a meaningful way. He wil soon get the message that you have to be courted STRONGLY before you give this important part of yourself away and it is important. No one night stand can replace the value proper love making with the one you gave your love to after he WORKED for it.

4-Get to know him n different types of situations. ights out for a meal, with friends, how does he treat his mum all of those things. If you only have one type of date you miss red flags. I he integrates you into his life take it as sign and obbserve while holding yourself back. Some guys have standard dates, moves and plans they use for the same women. Its designed for getting you have sex with him....PERIOD. Nothing more.

Those are just a few but in m eyes if you do those you show your real value as a lady and a person. It says I am to be respected, courted...it says you will fight for me. It says you will have to put thought in and appeal to more than just a physical side. Get my point here?

The be patient follow the great advice from MOA...finding a good man will take care of itself ;-)

the beautiful crab said...

I want to know something would you agree that there might be a reason why women attract only certain types of men? I mean in my case, I was previously married to a pisces man for a little over 10 yrs and at some point I'm beginning to realize he has some traits as mentioned above now here comes another pisces man and he too seemed like a nice guy but ended up being arrogant later on now the next pisces dude was a coke addict and the pisces dude with venus in taurus with cpricorn rising seems to me all of the above he seems selfish at times, arrogant some of the time, has no empathy or sympathy for anything, plays the blame game,...etc. oh and I did take your advice and ended it with him but my thing is this is what I have been attracting into my life I could be into my own thing and my head would be in the clouds but some way some how these people find me and it's scaring me a bit what are your thoughts please.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Beautiful Crab,
Well, there is such a thing as the Law of Attraction which states that "like attracts like."

So there may be things about these men that are similar to yourself in some way. Either that or it's the thoughts you carry. This piece can explain more:


the beautiful crab said...

yes I truly do believe in the law of attraction and it's amazing although I do need ton practice a bit more at it as a cancer I tend to be very pessimistic which is a negative trait which is hard for me steer away from but it has worked for me in the past. thank you for all of the advice you have given me.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

I'm scorpiolady, I left a comment or two on Disappearing Reappearing Men about three months ago.

Recently this certain gentleman has fallen under my radar. He's consistently impressed me with his chivalry for about half a year. Recently we've had more chances of interaction. He would strike up short conversations with me whenever possible, so we do know a bit of each other.

I believe that he's a good guy. At the same time, he's also very hardworking and driven as a consequence of being ambitious and responsible.

I used to get the feeling that he is slightly interested in me because he was just so nice, polite and well mannered. Recently, though, having witnessed his chivalrous attitude towards others, too, I brushed it off as that being his nature and he has no interest towards me...

Now, learning from your advice, I refuse to chase him even though I am interested. I even try not to initiate greeting him, and wait for him to greet me first before I give a friendly, but also slightly nonchalant reply.

The past two days, I almost did not talk to him at all even though we had classes and lectures together. In fact, on one of the days, there was this girl friend who stuck by him the entire time. And call me paranoid or jealous, but I got the feeling she was trying to block me from him as me and him usually sit together in classes ;) In the end, I merely replied his greeting, and didn't talk to him the whole day because the girl was beside him the entire time (yeah... lol), and acted like I didn't care. Yesterday was somewhat similar. I entered the classroom, and he was at a (round) table with his good friend whom I also know... as the doorway was nearer to his friend, I was about to take my seat beside his friend, while smiling at him as he greeted me... now, I am not too sure if my gaze lingered too long on him, but he somehow moved his things away from the seat next to him, an indication to come sit with him. Like it had been a reflex on his part, he seemed to also be quite embarrassed at having done so and made a wave like, "Well, anywhere you'd like." I then happily hopped over to that seat. Well, later we had a lecture, I sat in front of him with another group of friends, but this time other than saying hi, I didn't turn back to talk to him once and was preoccupied with my friends.

So I got a text from him later that night (in my mind, I was thinking... wow, so ignoring him works, as opposed to the other girl), and he was asking if I would like to grab coffee before class with him the next day, if I so happened to be in the vicinity. I replied okay, and we both found a convenient time to do so. Okay, I was late by 10ish minutes or so the next day, and slightly breathless when I arrived. When ordering, the cashier asked if we were paying together, there was a bit of an awkward moment, like he half wanted to pay (I have noticed he's tight on his spending, though he's not poor... which I feel is very refreshing, as the scorpio guy I dated was also affluent but spent his money so freely, I didn't like it) so I said no. We talked a bit, walked to class and parted. A grand total of a few minutes.


Anonymous said...

What do you think of this? We know we both drink coffee, and we have bought it together before, twice, in the past month. Just that this time, he texts me to (he got my number just last week, and no text other than that yet), the night before.

I have decided that while I will not chase him, I will respond nicely to him.

Also, my friend guessed that he might ask me out on Valentine's Day. Okay, I really do think that's farfetched, as we are hardly at that level yet... and so far though he's a total gentleman, he's remained cool and calm. But also in the case for future reference, if he does... and as I would be in another country and only back on the day before Valentine's, meaning, if I got the message the day before Valentine's, should I agree? Or would that seem too eager and overly available? Should I even agree to an impromptu dinner on Valentine's, even if I have nothing special on?

Thank you in advance, Mirror.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well, this one's tricky. Normally, I'd say no, don't accept on such short notice because you risk setting up this pattern throughout the entire relationship then, should one develop.

This decision is ultimately yours. However, you're claiming he's a good guy, a gentlemen and it's Valentine's Day and that's a romantic gesture. You could consider giving him a free pass here in light of that. But if you do - it has to stop right there and the next date MUST be booked in advance.

AnonWoman said...


I just started internet dating 3.5 weeks ago.

anyways, I have this thing for men voice's.....I love a deep masculine voice.

So on my online dating profile advert, 5 days ago, I put:

"I don't fancy metrosexual, high pitched voice men. The deeper the voice the better. I like a real man who is The Man....bla bla"

I also put four other paragraphs about myself/connections.

Anyways, the amount of MEN who have written to me within the past five days all referring to: I have a deep voice! I'm a real man! I'm all man! I am writing to you saying this in a deep voice.,,,etc etc has been the main hook of what the guys have loved as part of my profile! LOL

I wrote a tonne of other stuff, but it's the bit about me wanting a real man and how that man might be, is what they love to respond to proving themselves in that area.

this is a fun little exercise :) Hopefully sets each date up that the man needs to ensure he will be, The Man for the date too.

Will keep you informed. LOL

SomeRandomGuyOnTheInterweb said...

I"m a guy, but I do have to say I enjoy reading your post make for a good laugh :). Keep it up lol

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Some Random Guy On The Interweb,
Awesome, I'm glad you enjoyed this piece and found it entertaining, LOL.

I'm also glad to see that we're beginning to hear from more men here, in respectful ways. I've created this site as a forum for discussion, sharing and healthy debate. And disrespect isn't something that should be a part of healthy debate and mature discussion.

And you sir, left a respectful comment and you also enjoyed the piece of writing. Very glad to see it :-)

Thanks for stopping by and sharing!

Anonymous said...

I am confused about dating this Libra man. I have done a lot of homework, about his sign. It says on one hand that they like to be chased on the other he is still a man. Can you inlighten me on this subject?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Libra men, by some in astrology, are referred to as "The Player." And only players like to be chased by women (it makes things very easy on them). Secure men prefer to pursue women as it appeals to their love of competition and desire for challenge.

Many astrologers, when seeing a heavy placement of Libra in a chart, consider it an indicator towards the tendency to cheat. However, not all Libra men will fall pray to that as the more progressed, evolved ones can be true gentlemen with women.

Anonymous said...

When my libra, and I first started out, we would message constantly, since we've had our first date, I hardly hear from him, what's up with that? Could it be giving the space thing that you've talked about, so he can think things over? Or as you had mentioned earlier to find out if I'm a wack job?

Anonymous said...


Is it okay for a woman to be annoyed that aman primarily texts her at the beginning stages of dating? Or tell the woman to call him if she wants to hang out again after a date? Or texts the woman at 1130 at night even though I stated I'm usually sleeping? Am I overreacting? It just seems like some men don't even know how to date anymore. Of course I can be overreacting....!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I would agree that many men no longer understand the meaning of the concept of "dating." Nowadays, having a drink together (that the woman pays for) and then jumping into bed that night is considered dating, LOL ;-)

I don't think you're over-reacting and I've experienced the frustration myself - and I usually don't play along. Meaning, I ignore the late night texts and don't respond to them even the next day.

I never phone a man upon his urging me to do so because that's a giant red flag of a lazy man, one looking to place the woman in the position of the pursuer, one looking to have her do all of the work to keep the relationship going - and it usually signifies a player.

Combine that laziness with late night texts and no phone calls and yep - you have yourself a player, LOL. One that will likely sleep with you and then disappear like the wind.


Peter said...


"many men no longer understand the meaning of the concept of dating"

"Nowadays, having a drink together (that the woman pays for) and then jumping into bed that night is considered dating"

I agree here ladies, this is the case for a lot of men. When a man takes a women on a bad date a particular lady I've known for long time had termed it the "Ash date". After a guy we know who has a reputation for this kind of thing, that became a term for a bad date in my group he's done it that much. I listen to them talk and you soon find out if one of them is dissapointed that a guy pulled an "Ash date" on them. It's become a standard question "let me guess it was an Ash date?" and yes a lot of times the answer is yes.

Outings like that are not dates. There is a way a gentleman dates and its not this. If he is lazy dating you treat then it as a big red flag. He just won't value you enough to do it properly and in many cases he my be after only one thing. Not only that but he wants it at minimum cost for himself.

SK said...

Hi there,

I absolutely love your dating advice. I think it is relevant, to the point, logical and encourages self respect. As someone who is new to dating (recently divorced), I would love some advice on actually how to get someone to ask me out. It seems that men are no longer into dating but strictly into hooking up, especially younger ones. The only disappointing thing I have experienced about being single is that older men are asking me out, and as nice as they are, I simply do not find them attractive. I want to date men my age or younger, but it doesn't seem that men in in the under 40 age group actually date any more. They want to meet for a drink, make me pay for myself, and then split if I seem like too much work. Is there a polite way to explain to a guy that I would like a real date? Am I being too old-fashioned or asking for too much?

Any advice you can offer would be highly appreciated.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I hear you and I would agree. Dating is now considered an "outdated" concept and hooking up is now considered dating, LOL.

There isn't much you can do about it, it is what it is. But what you can do I'd refuse those "meet" requests and only accept proper date requests. So if a man says he wants to meet for a drink, you refuse and explain that you don't think a bar is the appropriate setting for a first date. If the man sours and walks away, so be it. It would've been a waste of your time anyway. A true gentleman that's genuinely interested will have no problem obliging you. It amounts to " filtering" before even going on the date.

You can weed out the lazy players that won't lift a finger for you from he gentlemen that are willing to impress you.

Peter said...

@MOA and fine ladies here

Challenge accepted LOL! I feel a man has to step up here and put himself out so you can see if one of us still understands dating or not LOL!. This is not me being soft or wishy washy in anyway this is how I do it so have at it ;-)

There’s a right way and wrong way for a gentleman to date, so please understand I’m not player when I outline the following I just feel there’s an etiquette as gentleman to dating ;-)

First I believe to make a lady feel special, to know the sincerity of your interest in her as a woman, you have to do something special. It has to be thoughtful, high quality and structured so all any lady has to do is enjoy herself. A lady should pay for nothing, never arrive there herself and don’t have any outlay other than her time. One of the worst things I believe you can say to a lady is ”so what do you want to do tonight?”. Plan something thoughtful and take the lead on a traditional romantic date. Just let her know you’re going to be there at a set time to pick her up, take her out, let her know the dress code. Just don’t tell her where it is you’re going leave a mystery in it. Make the date quality and include something with a bit of “decadence” give her something indulge in even something small like an expensive gift of fine chocolates she can enjoy after the date or a fine desert she enjoy with you if the date is going well...share it ;-). I’ve never gone wrong with a good meal but I’m traditional and little old school goes a long way ;-)

Personally I also believe that privacy, intimacy and atmosphere are needed on a good date. A man should make an atmosphere by how he holds himself and treats you. He should get little things right. Take your coat, pull out your chair. Not be afraid to lead and touch confidently ( I don’t mean fondle you) little touches he wants your attention building a connection. There is a right way and etiquette for a man to do all these things. Intimacy is good use private tables, little quiet areas with privacy. She is a lady and should not be compromised in any fashion, she should be free to be herself without fear of loss of reputation or pressure of expectation.

Peter said...


If you as man do a good job at this and she shows her happiness, notice it, and then she can admire you admiring her a little. Just point it out simply “its great you’re happy tonight” or “its good to see you smiling there”. Let her catch you looking a bit she probably put effort in for that night let her know in the right way you notice her. Let her know you appreciate her as a lady. Notice things and let her know you did it.

Here comes a strange one for a lot of men...ask her what she thinks. She is after all there as your equal and has things to say, she is a person, respect her as such. If I spent more time talking and a lady left me feeling this was about me in some way then as a man I failed her on that date. A lady in my experience will often have something intelligent to say if given the chance so I do just that, I actively look for and accept it. I also again show her I enjoy it.

I also think a man should be attentive to her needs, senses and the finer points. Don’t just cheapen the experience take her somewhere she can enjoy as an environment. Don’t cut any corners make it a real experience. Even if you just do a home date for her appeal to her sense a bit. A romantic environment she can really enjoy. If you take her out bring fresh flowers, let her try new wines or fines champagnes al that kind of thing. If it’s a home date do likewise, get everything right for her to feel your interest and experience. Romance is in the senses too ;-)

Peter said...


As gentleman it’s very important not to rush, to date without expectation of sex and to enjoy the experience. Draw her out and don’t push. If it’s going to happen make it the right time. Show her you want it to mean something, never let a lady give herself away. A man should turn down sex if it is meaningless and she is giving herself away. Don’t pounce on her see self control...tigger was only cute when you were young LOL don’t bounce in there. Her company should be enjoyed and her happiness there the reward. If sex really is going to happen then in my view the date and the day leading up to it is foreplay so make it so for her. Court HER. It can something simple like little notes left for her romantic ones that let her know you’re looking forward to a date. Love letter and romantic notes gone out fashion I believe? Even use flowers and little card. When you first see her depending on the dating stage just do something little say hello, kiss her and just enjoy it moment then let things go at its own speed.

As for how to act be little playful and spontaneous. Make her laugh, show your intelligence and a sharp mind. Stimulate her and don’t talk just to hear your voice as a man. Whats with this idea that most men have that when they speak they should be listened to just for being a man? No wrong. Be confident, be strong and lead her. A date is a statement of intent as to you as a provider, a leader and to how you value her. Also to the nature of your interest and where you intend to see her in your life. Expecting a lady to submit to you as a man so you can have what you want? I’m sorry but that right with a lady has to be earned, be a man show her you have something about you, court her and damn well earn it ;-)

I think a little gift of some thoughtful kind can go a long way. For example my ex girl friend loved hand crafted sweets so I would arrange it with the restaurant to have something done. Then a I would present it when I dropped her off just a little something sometimes not all the time just let know you listen, you know what likes and that if you want to you will give it to her. No big gifts just small things you know will make her smile, give her something to remember and let know once again (as I feel this needs repeating) that the night was about her. I think a lady can really appreciate that level of thought.

Oh one more thing :-) Dating is NOT just something you do in the early stages. Dating is not a one-time thing, it’s an ALL TIME thing. I don’t care if you’re married for years you damn well date your lady like she is still that woman you wanted to court all those years ago...because she is and you remind her of it she is and always will be there to romance that never changes. Even one night a week you stay at work, dress there pick her up make her feel like it’s a date, do it like you did early on. I know an odd thing to do but courting her should never stop.

Over to you ladies ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Yes, Peter. That is a REAL date. Those are also the kinds of dates that a woman never forgets. As a woman, once you've experienced treatment like that from a man - you will be hard pressed to settle for anything less.

And it is possible to have dates likes this, ladies. There are men out there that will treat you in this manner. You may just have to sift through 15 or 20 of them before you find the one that will treat you like this though.

So stand strong ladies, gentlemen like Peter do exist, they ARE out there. It's just that nowadays, they're the minority - so it takes a bit more time and patience.

But in the end - it's well worth the wait.

Thanks for sharing that, Peter :-)

Anonymous said...

You're a true gentleman and a treasure. I wish you could teach all men how to date with both class, and take-charge confidence. Maybe you should have your own column.
MOA, love your advice, but if I waited for a man like that to come along, I'll be 50 before I get a date :) I say no to 99/100 who ask me out for the reasons you mentioned. Though I know I'm not supposed to do this, I sometimes wish I could just offer to pay, just to get a handsome, educated, young guy to go on a date with me. This is when I take a $100, pick a great restaurant, call up a girlfriend, and treat her to a fine date. And believe me, every woman is appreciative of this. I am a very giving person, but I have learned that no man is worth chasing, and showering with attention they don't want. So I shower my best friends with attention, great dinners and wine, to show them how much I appreciate their friendships.

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA your advice is awsome! i´ve been reading it as it was compulsory reading. I´d like to ask about chasing. You think that when a woman writes first to a man online she is chasing?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Absolutely. Women have MUCH higher chances of entering into a successful long term relationship with men that were attracted to her FIRST.

Additionally, men like a challenge and they enjoy the chase. When a woman pursues a man, she removes all of the fun from dating her.

Read this piece, written by a man:


And this explains the benefits of letting a man pursue you and it also explains how natural gender roles work in nature:


This one is written by a professional relationship coach:


And this:


Anonymous said...

I dated someone who I think is a sociopath but one reason he got me so hooked to him was because he was the most affectionate guys I know. I loved how affectionate and how he was so willing to help out around the house (which I now know was just a ruse to hook me).

But how can sociopaths lack empathy but still be so affectionate?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Quite easily dear. They call them "socio"paths for a reason. . .because they're still able to be very "social" and charming.

That's how they get their way - by charming others and disarming them into thinking they're good people. It's their ruse.

scornedgirl said...

Hi there Mirror. I want to ask: how can a pretty girl find a nice guy? I have heard that pretty girls have it harder because guys think they are out of their league. I've also heard that they're a victim for players.

My female friends have always complimented me as beautiful, or some sort of sex goddess while guys compliment me and hit on me. I hate it how guys only see my looks, but never bothered to make a move. How can I attract guys? I don't wan to attract only the hot guys who think I'm kind of a trophy and not to be taken seriously.

If I play approachable, would they think i'm naive and easy to fool?

Thanks so much for you advice =]

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous June 10 at 10:33 PM
If I may advise you, be nice, friendly and approachable, because if you aren´t, you will most probably discourage shier guys. To attarct men use your beauty and charm but at the same time use your gut to discern sincere men from the rest. And don´t hold negative thoughts that you are disatvantaged due to your beauty, think the opposite.

Zodia said...

Thank you for the interesting post!

Leo girl said...

Dear MoA,
I have asked you a question before and was very grateful with your harsh but sincere words. I'm not sure this topic is appropriate to ask this question but it doesn't seem to fit anywhere in your blog.
I met a guy at a seminar and after a few weeks of communication, he asked me out to dinner to which I agreed. He's about 10 years older than me (I'm mid-40s, he's about mid-50s). He made a reservation at the very best restaurant in town and offered to pick me at office, send me back, etc. We went to the dinner and had a good time. He treated me very well and was indeed an old-world gentleman.
However, he told me at dinner that he's recovering from cancer and this was actually the first time that he came out to a proper dinner with a lady. He was cleared by doctor but he's still not very healthy. After our dinner, his condition worsened and I haven't met him since although we've been keeping in touch.
My question is is it ok to continue and on what condition ? I myself is not really looking a romantic relationship now as I will be moving out of town on work in one year (he knew this) and I think after he got ill again, he realized that he's not in good condition to have a romantic girlfriend for at least in the short term. So in the meantime, we're just keep being friends as we both enjoy each other's company and I don't mind giving him support for the moment until he gets better (just email, texts, occasional phones, nothing in person). It seems so cruel if I leave him even though I know you would tell me that I don't have an obligation to be his friend. So do you think I should continue but tell myself again and again to be realistic and not mistaken sympathy for love. Or I can tell him that we can continue but just be friends ? Or is it better to stop now and walk away ? How do we deal with people who's ill and in need of friendship ?
Thank you so much. I will wait for your wisdom.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Leo Girl,
That's a personal decision dear. You're not dealing with a player here or a "bad" guy, so really, non of what I write about what is discussed here on this site will apply to him. Because of his condition, it creates an extenuating circumstance that's complicated and varied.

As a result, it becomes an "individual" situation, in that, each individual will deal differently with death, loss, illness, etc. and each has different needs under those circumstance. When some folks are ill, or grieving, they prefer to be left alone. Others want and need support. So there's no real way to tell what his needs and/or wishes are right now with regards to his situation - other than possibly opening that topic up for conversation with him.

But I sense that you're asking this question because of you. Meaning, you're asking me if YOU can deal with this. The possible loss, sadness, etc. And honestly dear, I can't tell you that, that's something you need to drill down to and decipher for yourself.

If you think the pain of a possible loss after a connection here would be too great, then you may want to consider backing off. Not going away, but backing off and putting some distance there and being there for him when he needs you, but not necessarily "checking" on him twice a week. Right now, no, you don't have an obligation here. However, if you stick around, one will develop in a sense. Meaning, you'll feel obligated to be there all the time and try to aid him. Can you deal with that? Do you want to do that? Do you have the skills and traits necessary to do that without bringing an overwhelming sense of pain and sadness into your life? Will you develop emotions for a currently "unavailable" man? I don't know dear, only you know that.

"Or I can tell him that we can continue but just be friends ?"

Considering that you're only currently friends at the moment and not dating and/or seeing each other regularly, I don't think it's necessary to perform that action here. You're already friends, so it's not necessary to state the obvious.

With regards to the rest of it, you're going to have to figure that out dear. Maybe take it day by day and see how things unfold in the "present" rather than focusing on what "might" unfold in the future, given the circumstances, which are very "touch and go" right now. Given that he treated you properly and was kind, generous and accommodating to you, it may be the best plan of action at this time. Being there, taking it one day at a time, keeping a healthy distance, maintaining a friendship and just seeing how it plays out and unfolds over the next few weeks and months :-)

Leo (old) Girl said...

Dear MoA,

Thanks so much for your spot-on opinion. I will indeed follow your advice "Being there, taking it one day at a time, keeping a healthy distance, maintaining a friendship and just seeing how it plays out and unfolds over the next few weeks and months :-)"

Just want to tell you a bit more that yes, I think both of us have tacitly put on hold the "romantic relationship" possibility at the moment and just deal with the situation day-by-day as friends just as you said. I did appreciate that he came clean and told me honestly what his condition was rather than leading me on or giving false hope. He is also, as far as I could observe, a true gentleman and a bit on the conservative side which suits me very well. But only time will tell in the future what might unfold.

In the meantime, I have been following your advices on how not to appear needy or "chasing" him as well. I get in touch with him a couple of times a week or on the days that I know he's seeing his doctor, just to let him know that there's a friend who cares about his condition and always ready to give morale support. But I continue with my life and at the same time, give him his space. After all, he's still a man despite his illness and I figure that he prefers to do the "chasing" than being chased after. He did came looking for me once, and I hope that when we come out of this "pause" mode, then he will look for me again if he really likes me. Isn't that the way you think it should be, dear MoA ?

And sorry that I still call myself Leo "Girl" even though I might in fact be older than you. In my heart, I still feel young !!

Thanks very much again, dear MoA :-) Your kindness is deeply appreciated.

Anonymous said...

Great article! I just ended a relationship with a guy a few days ago. Funny thing was in the beginning he talked about wanting a serious relationship. Then after 2 months of dating. . When I asked about having a title. .Boyfriend/girlfriend..He said he couldn't do titles. That it made him uncomfortable. The I started realizing that he didn't want me really even saying that we were dating. I would attempt yo end things. . Even no contact.. and he would pursue me. When were alone. . He treated me like a girlfriend and when we were around others.. If he introduced me at all..I was just a friend. It broke me down. A few weeks ago I had enough and cut it. He called me frantically and sent romantic messages and I went back. I shouldn't have. He told me how his feelings just kept growing for me and he felt safe with me. Then when I asked about a title again. ..He said that he couldn't commit to me that way. That we should just see where this goes. That made me feel in limbo but I stayed longer. But a few days later the distant (were just friends) behavior continued back up. We had gone on a date not too long ago and drank way too much. My insecurities about our non-relationship, relationship. ..came out and I told him to take me back to where my friend was. He got mad. Said if he takes me back, we would be done. I told him to take me back still. When I got out of his truck. . I walked Away..but went back. I wanted to have a closure. I put my hand in the door handle and he started driving off..With me still stuck to the door! I fell to the ground after 5 ft. He was more concerned with taking me back to his place to watch me then to get me to a hospital. I was in shock and agreed. While at his place we had sex. The next day he took me to my car and had a serious lack of care. I went home and he went to breakfast. Like nothing happened. Turned out I have a concussion. I let him know later that day after going to the hospital. He stayed dusrant.. but in the middle of the night frantically txt me several times wanting me to answer if I was ok. I told I would be ok. He stayed distant again after that. Then this week after he put off talking about the argument that led to the dragging incident (he had been the one that said he wanted to talk) he wanted me to meet with him for lunch to discuss why it didn't work out. I said that I really didn't want to meet to just be rejected. . And he got angry and threatened to hang up on me. I was not arguing at all. Just didn't want to meet and feel even worse. I agreed to meet with him. Later though I thought about it. . Meeting in person want for my closure at all. . It was to make him feel better. Make him have the power. ..I couldn't give him my power! Are whole "non-relationship" He had taken my power. Not this time! I wrote him a "sorry, but this is your closure" txt. At the end of that letter I wished him light and love. I felt good. Had my power back. Had my closure. He sent a very nicely written note back that tried to twist the whole thing to fit his own closure. I told him he cannot take away my truths. . And he cannot sum me up. He got angry and sent me a nasty txt that I should just turn him into a monster to feel better. . And to stop hurting him more and good bye. I knew that was manipulation. . Couldn't let him have it. So I sent one final thing ... "at least now you feel something. Goodbye."I've deleted his contact and messages now. And I'm making plans to stay distracted while I heal. I loved reading this article now a few days after all this took place. He was the narcissistic personality for sure. Never really cared for anyone needs but his own. Just wish I had the strength sooner to walk away. It still hurts. I think because he ended it. But honestly. . I think that was why he chased me back a few weeks ago. . Because me ending it wasn't acceptable. Any tips on getting thru this gross feeling part after a break up? -M.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 4, 1:53 PM,
"Any tips on getting thru this gross feeling part after a break up?"

Unfortunately dear, there is not magic pill - no one singular fix. The brutal reality is that...you have to walk through the pain dear. You have to draw on your inner strength, take it one day at a time, distract yourself when you start feeling down by immediately swinging yourself into a physical activity (do something), and you have to rely on your coping skills dear.

It's okay to cry, it's okay to grieve the loss. But don't let that be the majority of your day. To cope successfully, I like to suggest that women permit themselves a good cry - for say 3-5 minutes. After that, your time's up - and you need to get moving - literally. You need to get up and get active to distract yourself and pull yourself out of the funk. That could be something as trivial as cleaning your house, jogging, walking, lunching with friends, shopping, a visit to the salon, exercising, picking up an old hobby...whatever floats your boat dear and makes YOU feel GOOD.

The point is to grieve minimally while increasing your physical activity.

And you may find these pieces below helpful:




They may not necessarily provide the answer dear...but hopefully they will empower you further to continue moving forward in a healthy, positive manner :-)

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous Apr 4, 1:53 PM,

Hi there,

I think you shouldn't feel so bad about yourself...in fact if you re-read your post there are many times and examples that you tried to walk away. Okay you went back but you have walked away now for sure and I think if anything he will feel more that you have walked away from him and finished it.

I think it is to do with the ego when the person wants to claim ownership (power) of the break-up which is the case with him and you obviously want to claim your power back after how he has treated you and I think you have tried to set boundaries in how to be treated but maybe your self-esteem has stopped you from upholding these - hence you have gone back.

but all in all I think you should give yourself credit for what you have achieved and also you have walked away now, let him hear and feel that silence, I get the feeling that this is a guy the won't like to be ignored, so just be careful because I don't think you've heard the last off him as I don't think his ego will let things lie.

but feel good about yourself and look after yourself it's you that matters here :)

Anonymous said...

I'm M. The one that wrote yesterday about finally ending my relationship with a man that needed to have the power. I want to thank both that responded. I had an awakening this morning when i went to breakfast with my mother.. I told her details of the behaviors my now ex had shown towards me. example: He called me a simpleton.. told me i had no heart.. and that was an awful person.. and i apologized over and over again.. but didnt understand why i was apologizing.. then felt i had to sleep with him to make him like me again.. He said on that occasion "What are you going to do to make this up to me?".. Then we had angry/hate sex. It was extremely unpleasant. And I felt hollow and dirty during and after.. But also felt that I deserved it and still felt the urge to make things better with him..
My mother stopped me there. She said "You were in an abusive relationship!' That he had been continually verbally and mentally abusing me to have power over me.
I think i always knew that.. but denied it to myself. It took hearing it from my mother for me to really truly see it.
I'm a little better than i was yesterday.. and I will be even better tomorrow.. But i know i'll still have those low moments.. and I'm better prepared for that. I'm grateful that I wasnt in this relationship longer than I had been. And that is a blessing. -M.

Anonymous said...

I just met this guy and he was all nice and sweet upto two days ago... Before we started dating, I had issues with going into the relationship because he would soon graduate from college and the distance and all it will create. He assured it was ok, we would work it out. Only for him to ping me yesterday... And say he never thought of the consequences of asking me to be his gf and that he can't assure me of us working out after he leaves. Went ahead to say that he doesn't want d bf tag but hez not breaking up, he just wants to chill for a while but he still cares about me and he kept repeating that this is not a break up. 'm just lost n I have no idea of what to make of all this, for a guy who was sweet n went through all that stress to get me and told hez friends about me? And my friend said hez bbm status read #thought I could get over you by being in one #sillymove... Lol..

Anonymous said...

Yh! Like I said, I rushed into it... Draggin u along... Wish I had waited and let tins play out the way they shud... And theres no ex anywhere to cause anytin... Its just me and my mind... Come to accept Iv got a chronic commitment issue and I allowed it affect u too... Can apologise enuf.... That is the text he sent

Heather said...

"How do you find a good man", lol. You do what I do: write them as movie characters. The fact is, there are no good men. Men are sex-obsessed, shallow, treacherous and vile by their nature. I've given up on them. An article I'd love is where bisexual and heterosexual women can sign up for training to become lesbian. More women are interested in that than you, and a lot of men today, believe. I hope orientation can be changed or, one could say, in my case, stabilized. I lean in that direction and have been pushed, but need a pull. Any gay woman with a business mind and business model stands to become a billionaire if she starts this concept... Lesbian Training Courses NOW.

Men... we all need to be Fully Done With Them.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I can't really say, because I'm not a lesbian, but - I would think that if you need a lesbian training course, chances are, you're probably not a lesbian. You don't need training to be heterosexual, it comes naturally. So I can't imagine training would be needed to be a lesbian either, because I would think that, too, comes naturally.

Either way, I'm the wrong person to ask for this. A quick Google search on "lesbian training courses" could probably provide a lot better guidance than I could LOL.

Anonymous said...


"Men are sex-obsessed, shallow, treacherous and vile by their nature."

Who do you think brought up those men?

I see a lot of what is written here can be applicable for both sexes and any kind of romantic relationship. Although there is a lot of "typical" behaviour from either sex (whether those are stereotypes, or if there is some biological truth to them, I don't know), I can tell you that from my experience, there are many actions of which both men and women are guilty.

O said...

This made up rule that women are prey is the fundamental problem. Don't assume a good guy is going to approach you because a lot of them are passive in nature, especially the young ones who have to deal with college dept and finding stability, or just learning survival skills. Good guys don't want to take your freedom away, and should be there for you when you need them. Good guys have probably gone many years without sex (like myself), and they honestly aren't going to bother approaching a woman they don't know. Frankly, a nice guy doesn't do this because it may be that you are already taken and they don't want to interfere with your life or your relationships. They want you to feel safe, so they will not make moves. A good hunter waits for the object of his interest to come to him. We have a zen attitude and disposition that means doing by not doing, which is how you know a man is mature, or at least is on the path to maturity. This type of guy is well aware of how men take advantage of women and will remain very passive, unless he knows that you like him. He doesn't like the way the game is played and therefore refuses to take part.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Don't assume a good guy is going to approach you because a lot of them are passive in nature"

Sounds to me like an issue of confidence - not one of "good man versus bad man."

"especially the young ones who have to deal with college dept and finding stability, or just learning survival skills"

Sounds like an excuse for lack of confidence.

"Good guys have probably gone many years without sex (like myself), and they honestly aren't going to bother approaching a woman they don't know."

Again, this sounds like an issue of confidence as opposed to "good man versus bad man."

If a man doesn't have the confidence to take on his God given masculine role and take the lead and initiate, then yea, he's going to be alone. And if he's insted going to passively sit back and take the feminine role of submission, then there's a high likelihood he's going to ultimately end up with a domineering woman who will take on that lead role herself.

Because there's always the yin and yang of masculine versus feminine energy in a relationship. If the man won't take it, the woman will feel forced to be in that unnatural position.

"They want you to feel safe, so they will not make moves."

Huh? So. . .are women supposed to jump into your lap? Drop out of the sky onto your doorstep? Are you saying it's not possible for a man to make a move respectfully, providing a feeling of safety and trust at the same time while doing so?

And how can a woman feel safe with a man that won't stand up? How can a woman feel safe with a man who won't take the lead? How can a woman feel safe with a passive man that let's things happen (to him) - instead of making them happen (for him)?

Feminine women are drawn to masculine energy. And masculine energy is "leading" energy. And when a man can lead with confidence, respect and a genuine desire to get to know the woman. . .yea, that's the stuff women dream of.

What they don't dream of is picking a passive man up off the streets, having to throw themselves at him in a sense to get his attention, and then having to do all of the work to get everything off the ground by taking the masculine lead. That's the stuff that drives women crazy and turns them into anxious, confused beings that are unable to express their natural feminine energy - because they're now forced to set that aside and take on the masculine lead role instead.

It's a complete flip flop. It's unnatural. It creates an unnatural balance, and it makes women domineering, aggressive, anxious, and confused.

"This type of guy is well aware of how men take advantage of women and will remain very passive, unless he knows that you like him."

Again, this sounds like a confidence issue and not a "good guy versus bad guy" issue.

Many modern men are actually out there assuming the feminine role (passive, submissive) and exhibiting feminine energy. . .which then forces women to step up and assume the masculine role (leading, initiating) and exhibit masculine energy. This unnatural gender role reversal has flip-flopped the entire dating world on it's head.

Instead of the way it used to be, which Mother Nature arranged for a reason - man leads, woman submits. Modern men instead want to turn this upside down - woman chases, man submits.

And many times, the end result is that the woman chases, she then gets slapped with the "crazy" label - and the man turns tail and runs because something feels "off" about the mis-matched energy in the relationship and he's overwhelmed by the aggression and pursuit of the woman.

There's a natural balance of energy that must exist in all relationships - masculine versus feminine. And when those roles are clearly defined and established, both parties are at ease.

O said...

"Huh? So. . .are women supposed to jump into your lap? Drop out of the sky onto your doorstep? Are you saying it's not possible for a man to make a move respectfully, providing a feeling of safety and trust at the same time while doing so?"

Of course it's possible. However, this refusal to act on intuition and to approach a man could also be considered an issue of confidence in the woman. A woman should give obvious signals to the man before he initiates action, but do not expect him to move for you. It seems like you are talking about a man who will sweet talk you the first time he sees you, and you will feel safe by his words and not by his actions. A man at the point of Zen, yin and yang, and god energy, is most likely not going to charm you with words that escape the magnitude of his breath. This type of man keeps his breath and body sacred, so he probably doesn’t want to waste it on small talk. If he truly is a one-woman man, then he is masculine enough to wait until the proper moment. Yin and yang exist within both male and females, and Mother Nature and God are one in the same, so the truth may be seen without gender. In Zen, one is to embrace the state of being, where there is no passion or desire outside of what is happening now. Men are free to approach women, and women are free to approach men, there is no established rule. A woman can embrace her masculine energy and feel liberated and in control, and a man can embrace his feminine energy by letting her come and go whenever she wants.

"And how can a woman feel safe with a man that won't stand up? How can a woman feel safe with a man who won't take the lead? How can a woman feel safe with a passive man that let's things happen (to him) - instead of making them happen (for him)?"

The illusion of passivity does not mean lack of courage, or leadership. Sometimes you must pick your leaders based on how they carry themselves, not on how they carry you. The best leaders are those who lead by example, without imposing their will directly on other human beings. Instead, they use more subtle forms of action, such as the breath and body position. Think of Jesus, the Buddha, or any likeness of these men. They are most courageous, because they embrace the feminine principal from a masculine point of view.

Zen is void of ego and thus, 'for him' and 'to him' are not the focus. In Zen, or god energy, wakefulness and awareness of the light represents the masculine energy, while receptivity to the light is feminine energy. To maintain consciousness, one must remain receptive. In other words, the will (masculine) is used for reception (feminine). You write, therefore have taken action, and I read, therefore I am receptive. No one is 100% feminine, or 100% masculine; there is a balance.

Think about the sitting position in karma sutra, where the man is grounded and the female joins him face to face. In this position, the woman is in control, and therefore feels safe. They may sit together engaged with both themselves and their surroundings. The man may see behind her and she may see behind the man, there is giving and receiving in both members.

Anyways, to stay on topic, I’m not suggesting finding a man on the street, and I'm not suggesting to be aggressive or to go all or nothing. I would suggest being true to your hobbies and interests by finding a man who you can recognize as a nice guy in such areas, even if he maintains the illusion of passivity in your eyes. If you want a nice guy you have to be ready for slow forming relationship. One night stands could set you up for disappointment, where slow and steady outlook is most fruitful
- By “illusion of passivity”, I mean that no being with a breath or will to live can truly be considered passive, especially one with God (yin yang).

O said...

Some women want to be lead, while some men want to walk side by side. Some women like to be on the same level as men and enjoy taking action. Only insecure men and women call women whores. Don’t forget that men and woman both have individual burdens and attitudes. It is unwise to scrutinize anyone but oneself, and if you maintain true to your beliefs, you will find a partner. There is no wrong way when one is paying attention.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"this refusal to act on intuition and to approach a man could also be considered an issue of confidence in the woman."

Via the Laws of Mother Nature - I don't believe it's the woman's place to approach a man. I believe in natural gender roles - feminine energy (submissive, masculine energy (leading).

I don't WANT to be the dude - women generally DO NOT WANT TO BE THE DUDE.

That's the entire point I'm trying to make. For some reason, modern men seem to now be almost insistant that WOMEN BE THE DUDE. Why on earth would a woman not want to play the feminine role instead? It's what makes her feels sexy, and as a man if you make a woman feel sexy, you'll bring out the best side of her - her feminine energy.

Women want men to be men. They don't want to be men, they don't want to have to do the man's job. They want to be women and be impressed by a man who's actually bothering to be a man by attemtping to IMPRESS THEM. That's the mating ritual, that's the courtship dance, that's the way Mother Nature designed it.

If it were meant to be the other way around, males would not be the ones performing the courtship rituals in nature. Many male birds would not have the fancy colorful tails they have to perform a courtship dance for the female to impress her. Male spiders would not jump and dance in a courtship ritual to land a female spider. Certain male insects would not present the female insect with little presents to impress her. Male frogs would not sing to impress a female frog. Bower birds would not build a nest and load it with colorful items to attract a female into it.

It's simply not NATURAL for the woman to take the masculine role. Mother nature knows what she's doing.

"A woman should give obvious signals to the man before he initiates action"

I agree - and this is where non-verbal communication, otherwise known as flirtation comes in:

"Flirting is much more than just a bit of fun: it is a universal and essential aspect of human interaction. Anthropological research shows that flirting is to be found, in some form, in all cultures and societies around the world."

"According to some evolutionary psychologists, flirting may even be the foundation of civilization as we know it. They argue that the large human brain – our superior intelligence, complex language, everything that distinguishes us from animals – is the equivalent of the peacock's tail: a courtship device evolved to attract and retain sexual partners."

"When asked about flirting, most people – particularly men – focus on the verbal element: the 'chatting-up', the problems of knowing what to say, finding the right words, etc. In fact, the non-verbal element – body-language, tone of voice, etc. – is much more important, particularly in the initial stages of a flirtation."


". . .but do not expect him to move for you"

If many of the male animal species on the planet had the same opinion. . .the species would quickly die out.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"This type of man keeps his breath and body sacred, so he probably doesn’t want to waste it on small talk."

Small talk and flirtation are pivotal to human mate selection.

"the truth may be seen without gender. In Zen, one is to embrace the state of being, where there is no passion or desire outside of what is happening now. Men are free to approach women, and women are free to approach men, there is no established rule."

That's great for those who practice Zen. . .but it's of no use to the majority of those on the planet who do not.

"how can a woman feel safe with a man that won't stand up?. . .they use more subtle forms of action, such as the breath and body position."

That's not going to work on the guy hiding in the parking lot who jumps out and pulls a gun on you and your date. You're not going to be able to position yourself and breath him away.

"If you want a nice guy you have to be ready for slow forming relationship. One night stands could set you up for disappointment, where slow and steady outlook is most fruitful"

I do agree with this - but as a woman, I want the man to play the masculine role. I want him to take the lead and show he's serious by attempting to impress me.

I think it's safe to say that we can agree to disagree on most of this. I firmly believe in gender roles and I realize not everyone does and that's okay with me. But I think it's safe to say that, at least speaking for the thousands of women who comment here on this site. . .we want MEN TO BE MEN. It's what gets our juices flowing and our hearts pumping and our passions ignited. The cerebral stuff is nice and it has it's place as well, But the physical actions and mating rituals are not to be forgotten and can get men a LONG way with women. . .because we're biologically programmed by Mother Nature to respond to it.

If men don't take action to ignite and participate in Mother Natures courtship rituals that have been a part of our biological programming for eons. . .then women cannot respond to it. Women can't respond biologically to something that doesn't exist.

As is evident in your first comment on this article ". . .many years without sex (like myself), and they [men] honestly aren't going to bother approaching a woman they don't know."

If you don't embrace masculine energy and use it to approach a woman you don't know, then you never get to know the woman. . .and you never get to mate. At that point it's a choice you are making, a conscious decision to exclude yourself from human courtship and mating rituals. So it only makes sense that what would then naturally follow that decision is a period in which no mating occurs.

If a male peacock does not get out there and make the first move to start shaking his tail feathers. . .then he doesn't mate. If he makes the decision to not particpate in the courtship and mating rituals, then he does not mate.

Gem50 said...

"The best leaders are those who lead by example...."
" ....be ready for slow forming relationship."
"One night stands could set you up for disappointment"

These are things Ms. Mirror has been coaching women on for years. ;-)

And to, ".... when one is paying attention." That path is not easy to find, as I am sure you understand.

Fire & Water said...

I am not sure if this is the best place to put this..but I've been wondering about it lately, so I'll ask here, as it sorts of fits with the "guys taking risks" theme. I get a number of what I consider "out of the blue" date offers. It happens more often that random guys will ask me out than guys who I know a bit will ask me out. Example: I was once asked out by a guy on an elevator ride. Literally, we said 'hello' for the first time ever on the ground floor, we walked into the elevator and he started a conversation about a piece of my jewelry and by the third floor (can you say 'fast worker'?) when I get off, he's asking me to a party with him on Saturday (oh, sure I'll come...because I always go on dates with guys I've known less than 15 seconds). Is this indicative of something I'm doing wrong, or are guys just weird like that? I always feel like if they gave me a chance to get to know something about them (like..their name :)), I might have a shot at being ok with it, but this way it just feels kind of shocking. They don't actually expect me to say yes, right? They're just shooting the moon? Or?
-F & W

Anonymous said...

Fire & Water,

I think there are 2 possibilities:

1) You are very approachable / friendly / cool

Guys warm up when talking to you, and want to see you again, so they just blurt out something they feel seems non-threatening (like inviting you to a party). They feel they have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

This rarely happens to me because I'm not very approachable. If a guy talks to me for longer though - i.e. at least 20 minutes - they almost always invite me on a date or a casual event.

But just talking to me within a minute, they don't get enough encouragement to ask me out. I tend to put up a wall in person until I get a feel for the person.

2) You're attracting guys who just do that - ask random women out

It's like the offline equivalent of guys spamming women on dating sites and seeing who bites.

I don't know why it would happen to you, but you could always hand them your business card or your contact info next time - they know what to do with it!

You never know, one of them could be the man of your dreams .. who simply could not help resist asking you out the moment he saw you!

- Vivian

Fire & Water said...

Thanks so much for your thoughts, Vivian! It's so helpful just to be able to get feedback on ideas :)..and this one has puzzled me for some time.

I wonder if I'm more approachable than I think? lol I tend to smile and respond if people are in my vicinity and engage me. Then again, I'm not one of those people who just starts randomly talking to strangers (like, I once got this whooole lecture on kale at the grocery store from a lady who saw me looking at kale. It as great info and all - when to plant, how easy it is to grow, how healthy it is etc - and I'm glad she shared it with me...I just wouldn't tend to do that myself :)

"They feel they have nothing to lose, and everything to gain." ... Yes - that is a perfect description of what I kind of think is happening.

Although, in case it's #2 (the just attract spammer types one), I think I'd better take stock of what kind of energy I'm putting out there :D
F & W

Anonymous said...

I’m feeling so down. I met someone at the very beginning of April and we started a long distance relationship. For the most part the relationship has been good, he is a good, caring, romantic boyfriend who I can rely on. However, there have been trust issues – mainly from my side and I don’t know if it’s because of my past relationship but I’m always sort of waiting for him to slip up. If I see him texting late at night I get worried he’s texting another girl. He follows lots of pretty girls on social media and I just find I’m completely insecure about it. He’s mentioned in the past that he has confidence issues too (law of attraction or what?) so if we’ve gone out for social occasions before he ends up getting drunk. He’s not a bad drunk, he’s always made a real effort with socialising with my friends and they all love him but I find he ends up disregarding me to impress others and I get irritated.
Anyway, fast forward to last weekend. I was due to go out for Halloween, meeting all his best friends for the first time. Given we’ve been together for 7 months and I was only just meeting them this had become quite a big deal. I was so anxious to impress them and for the night to run smoothly. We went to a house party and then got two taxis into town (I went with the girls and he went with the guys). He would keep disappearing to get a drink or go for a cigarette and I would stay with the girls. But on one occasion he left me for almost half an hour to go to the toilet and I was starting to get irritated so I went looking for him. I found him in another room talking to some girls and my heart sank. I had a complete dramatic episode, leaving the bar in floods of tears, shouting at his friends who were trying to calm me down. It was awful. I told him I didn’t want to be with him anymore and I stayed in a hotel for the night. He has been incredibly apologetic since then. Telling me he knew the girls but he was just so drunk time ran away with him. That he’s not going to drink as much anymore. That he’s going to prove himself to me. I have a couple of issues here. 1. I’m still annoyed with him about what happened 2. I’m totally embarrassed about my own behaviour in front of his friends 3. Everyone now knows there’s trust issues between us and I think it makes our relationship look like a joke. 4. I’m feeling full of shame and completely berating myself for what happened and quite honestly I don’t know what to do. Any advice?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 4, 6:23 AM,
"I don’t know what to do. Any advice?"

You need to think about whether or not you feel this is a man that's even capable of making you happy, or shows a willingness to actually do so (not just talk about it, but actually take actions to make it happen).

Nothing good comes out of dating a man that does not care to fulfill your needs. If the person you're with does not make you happy and is only successful at causing you anxiety and worry -- then he may not be the right man for you.

Put some thought into that. And don't see/talk to him until you're ready and you've processed those feelings. When you're clear, you can then respond to him. When it's time to talk, do it over dinner in a public place.

Anonymous said...

I've beeing reading this site since 2013.
Helped me a lot. I've learnt a lot. Has given me strenght.

But then I thought I knew enough I found someone we started as friends and got closer what he said he would do. Calling, coming to see me, inviting me out made happy. We had Sex I know I should not have not yet. It was great and I got attached.
I was initiating contact he would reciprocate. It was all good and then it was all bad. We were supposed to see each other and I texted him the day before and also called him but he didn't respond. Then he didn't come and he didn't called. Because I did initiate a couple of times I didn't called him to ask what happened I just went silent but it's beeing a month today and have not heard from him and here I am still waiting to see his face and missing him
Please Moa answer me help me with your words of wisdom.
My primary language is not English.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

What an amazing community you've set up here - i've spend the past few weeks reading over comments which brought me a lot of strength and perspective. I used NC (successfully) way back in my previous long-term relationship and it worked a treat but i kind of forgot all about it until i stumbled across your blog recently when looking for some support. THANK YOU for being so insightful.

I could really do with some help if you would be so kind as to give me your opinion. I'll try and keep it brief...

I met this really sweet guy, very different to my usual type but this can only be a good thing. We spoke often via WhatsApp, and he called me several times too. He mostly initiated communication and the attention was wonderful, i started to feel really good about myself and where this was going. A few weeks after this he became busy with work, he let me know in advance that this was a busy time for him and that he was feeling really overwhelmed with the stress of timescales etc. The less i heard from him the more insecure i started to feeling about “us”, leading to me initiating contact with him and becoming the pursuer - the more I initiated contact with him, the more distant he seemed to become (exactly like you explained). I implemented NC with him almost two weeks ago, he got back in touch with me yesterday "Hey, how are you? We've not talked in quite a while....everything fine?".

Here is the deal - he is very inexperienced when it comes to women/relationships, from what i know he hasn’t really dated before, or had a relationship. He can be the perfect gentleman i.e. holding car doors open, pouring me drinks and offering to help me (although somewhat inconsistent, i think he just requires some training). I get the impression that he just doesn’t know how all of this relationship business works. I want to be patient with him and guide him through this but I don’t want to be the pursuer, I don’t want to be the one fulfilling the man’s role - something that i have done in both of my previous long-term relationships. This guy already shows that he is different in that sense, he’ll go and fetch the waiter so that they can come and take the order for our drinks, he shows attentiveness to my needs and feelings. It’s very refreshing.

Due to his lack of experience, it seems as though he drops subtle hints (in order to suss me out?) instead of being straight forward. I have lost count the amount of times that he would end his comms with “chat soon…hopefully” and “we have to do something soon”. He would often allude to setting up a get together, but they never came to fruition. In the end I organised a dinner party with him and a pair of mutual friends. He was keen to attend but my friends ended up cancelling, as did he. This was when i initiated NC.

Maybe you’ll say that he’s not interested in me. From my observations the way that he talks to me and behaves around me tells me otherwise and I think that he’s just shy and inexperienced.

Do you have any suggestion on how i should proceed? I was going to wait until tomorrow to get back to his message and be pretty aloof with him. I do think that i’ve been too accommodating and available to him but my concern is giving him the impression that i’m not interested. I feel that he needs encouragement to pursue me and not the opposite?!

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

Wishing you and my peers on here all the best and I wanted to share a story about a recent Facebook video I watched that demonstrated an actual man who knows the value of investing in a woman. This man takes a trip to cosco and bought flowers for his girlfriend and daughter only to have the cashier guy ask if he really fucked up in someway, obviously not knowing why the man bought the flowers. The guy was floored. He informed the cashier that no these flowers were for acknowledging the important woman in his life and that he simply wanted to buy them flowers. A woman behind him lamented, after hearing all this, that she wished her husband did that for her. Enraged, this guy who bought the flowers made a video asking men to step up their game and stop making excuses about not having money for a simple batch of flowers. He also zeroes in on husbands who, if they want their daughter to find a good man, that they need to treat their wives right. He calls out the degrading society we live in and honestly I almost cried because he was so right. He also gave me hope simply by being a living proof that there are still men out there!

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