"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

Men Disappear And Reappear: The Aftermath

“A consequence, especially of a disaster or misfortune, a period of time following a disastrous event.” ~ Definition of Aftermath

Over the last several years, and as of late, discussions have been building here centered around dating, particularly concerning men who disappear and reappear magically at whim, months or even years later.

I’ve read a lot of discussions where men state their reasons for performing this “disappear reappear” act and I see the same thing repeatedly:

“I don’t want the confrontation, tears or pleading. I don’t want to explain that I was becoming increasingly unattracted to her in some manner. It’s easier this way, for her and I both.”

One could agree with this, maybe it is easier on women if he just disappears rather than endure a sit down that involves hearing those harsh, hurtful truths. But either way you slice it, there are consequences for the actions.

The thing that truly amazes me is just how little men actually know of those consequences because for them, it’s more akin to a hit and run. They don’t stick around for the fallout. We all know that women are the more compassionate, sympathetic, emotional creature of the two. Men seem to suffer little to no emotional baggage after this scenario – and what they don’t know is – women suffer tremendously from this scenario.

It Has Been Said Throughout History That Woman Was Created For Man

If you believe that, it’s understandable that she would be the more loving and compassionate of the two. After all, her place and reason for being is to calm the savage beast and give the gift of life, no? Many believe her existence was brought about to provide a place of solitary, loving sanctuary, acceptance, a form of release – and to provide him with offspring and perpetuate the species.

I hear lots of men complain about “effed up women” these days. You know, the women with issues, crazy women, psycho women, women who are emotional train wrecks, women who cry at the drop of a hat . . I’ve heard all of it.

And most of these statements are minimized by being followed up with a “Hmph” and a grin.

It’s been my experience that the men tossing these comments around the most are the ones out there doing the most damage. Not all men do this, but the one’s complaining about all these “effed” up women out there seem to be the biggest culprits in contributing to the issue.

I’m not creating this article to bash men. I love men. I can’t tolerate punks and a**holes though. That I will admit. There’s a big difference between gentlemen and punks. The point of this article is not to encite a gender war, but rather, strike up an open dialogue between the two in the hopes that the conversation can help others – both men and women – to better understand and respect one another.

I started this piece with the mention of the infamous disappearing act many men pull these days. I’ve decided to approach this discussion via the lens of the aftermath. Because it seems it’s a woman’s dirty little secret, the aftermath she experiences after being treated this way. It’s something women discuss amongst themselves, but it’s rarely a topic men are permitted to be a part of.

But before I get started, ladies . . . I want you to take notice of this fact while reading below:

Men Project Outward - Women Project Inward

Ladies, stop blaming yourselves and realize there’s nothing wrong with you. He just wasn’t right for you. It’s that simple. Don’t over analyze and read anything further into it. Stop looking for the problem and accept the reality.

Men, stop projecting blame in an outward manner and realize that women need closure for emotional reasons. If you’re tired of meeting crazy women, stop adding to the problem. You’d be amazed at how treating a woman with a little respect can turn her into a well balanced, rational human being overnight.

The aftermath I’m about to list below that immediately follows when a man disappears and reappears works both ways, too, but not to such an extent with men. Men are not as quick as women to take the blame or project their thoughts on the matter inwards and onto themselves. They tend to project outwards, many times, onto their next road kill, even if unintentionally.

Women tend to project inwards and onto themselves, looking for where they went wrong, what they did wrong. Trying to consciously control this type of thinking sounds easier said than done and what men need to understand is that - women are women. They have deeper emotional connections than men and I believe this is, in part, directly related to their ability to grant life – give birth.

I mean, what greater emotional connection on earth could there be, right? You grow another human being inside your body and you endure great pain bringing that life into this world and you understand all of the complexities involved. Imagine if woman did not have the compassionate, loving, enduring nature she is born with and the various complex emotions to feel and experience empathy?

What kind of a mother would she be then?

Men, women HAVE to have these varied emotions for many reasons and what you need to understand is that they really do need to be treated with respect in order to fully be well balanced, rational and remain loving in nature. To disrespect the emotions women were born with or expect them to “just get over it” and wash them away is really a very barbaric notion. It would be like asking her to remove and wash away all the very things that make her tick and possibly, even her entire reason for existing.

After all, isn’t it the warmth, loving acceptance and pleasure a woman provides to you that draws you to her in the first place? Her emotions are very necessary if she is to love you in the unconditional manner you request of her.

Having said that, let’s get started. Below, I am listing the various stages a woman experiences when a man disappears and reappears. Seen as how that’s the number one reason women show up here, I figure we can all benefit from a little open discussion on the matter.

The Aftermath When Men Disappear and Reappear

Stage One: Shock.  The kind of shock that’s a huge blow. Imagine a woman is wearing a shiny suit of armor. Let’s use that shiny suite of armor as a metaphor from this point forward, a symbol of her sexiness and approachability. Now. . .take a swing at that armor with a sledgehammer. See the big, giant dent left behind?

Stage Two: Increased Anxiety. Anxiety that is heightened to such an extent, it brings on bouts of worry and despair that can be unbearably dark. I think every woman truly wants to make a man happy. Rejecting her loving nature and the things of value she has to offer you can be truly devastating. That shiny suit of armor she’s wearing, her sexiness? Take two big handfuls of mud and sling them onto it. Now there’s a big dent and she’s covered in mud. Not quite so sexy anymore, huh?

Stage Three: Self Blame. Is there something wrong with me? Why didn’t he like me? What did I do wrong? When this stage sets in, she’s taking that shiny suit of armor off, standing it up against a tree and hurling a slew of rocks at it. Small chinks are being punctured into it, tiny dents are now facing its muddy surface and the initial giant dent is looming larger than ever.

Stage Four: Worry. Will anyone ever love me? Will he ever come back? That shiny suit of armor is still off, standing up against the tree only this time, she’s swinging away at it with her sword, inflicting long open gashes across its surface. Swing, swing, swing away.

Stage Five: Anger. I will never speak to him ever again. He’s a dirty, rotten scoundrel. She decides to fight the good fight. She’s ready to enter the battlefield again and she’s put the now not so shiny suit of armor back on in an attempt to offer herself some form of protection for the next round. Her sexiness, yea . . . she’s trying it back on. She’s attempting to slip into this dented, filthy dirty, gashed and chinked lackluster suit of armor once again.

Stage Six: Acceptance. There she is, suited up and ready to go, having accepted defeat yet willing to fight another day. Based upon the appearance of her once shiny suit of armor, it’s clear to tell that something is forever changed. Something just doesn’t feel right. It’s obvious it’s not the fit it once was. It’s obvious that she’s not wearing her sexiness as well as she once did.

Stage Seven: The Reappearance. Wait? What’s that I hear in the distance? Could that be the sound of hooves? I see something, it’s white. Wait a minute. Wait. Could it be? Well indeed, it is. Here comes Prince Charming riding proudly high atop his white steed. His suit of armor is gleaming in the sun and he now has some medals of honor attached to it. He approaches with delight – but only for a brief moment. Just enough time to start a fire, gobble down a meal, take a romp in the hay with the now worn and tattered woman he once knew . . . and then it’s off to the next conquest, for there are many worlds to conquer and err . . . dominate.

Stage Eight: The End Result. There he goes, Prince Charming on his white steed, his suit of armor still glistening in the sun. And there she stands, a former shadow of the sexy warrior she once was. Used, abused, battered and bruised. Will she ever wear her sexiness as well as she once did? Will she ever be able to create another beautiful, shiny suit of armor for herself? Or will she simply take to wandering the roadside, like some living form of walking, talking road kill, for another passerby to take advantage of?

The Moral Of The Story

For ladies it’s this: Protect your shiny suit of armor, your sexiness, at all costs. For it is a very valuable thing indeed. Do not rely on someone else to polish it, to care for it, to cleanse it and to protect it. This is YOUR job and your job alone.

Never take any swings at it and never take it off because slipping back into it, you may find the fit isn’t quite as comfortable as it once was. No one can love you unless you love yourself first.

For men it’s this: Realize that women are women and that that’s what draws you to them in the first place. If they did not experience the complex myriad of emotions that you ultimately use against them, they would not be capable of providing you the depths of loving sanctuary and acceptance you so desire deep down inside.

If you want to find a maiden in shiny armor, your equal, a woman you respect, admire and physically desire – then it is necessary to handle all women with great care to increase your chances, to increase your options, to increase the number of desirable women out there to choose from. If you want a gentle creature, you must treat them as the gentle creature they truly are - to ensure they stay that way.

Guys, here’s a little food for thought. Had you shown her a little respect by giving some reason, any reason or discussion to her for the breakup, the scenario above would’ve ended after Stage One. She would’ve had a giant dent in her armor, but it would’ve been easy to pound that out and restore it to its once pristine condition.

Ladies, here’s a little food for thought for you. Had you not given of yourself so freely upfront and without requiring any knightly gestures from the man standing before you, you may not have suffered the first blow quite so devastatingly as it would've been clear to you that he wasn't fully invested.

We all increase our chances of happiness when we respect one another in addition to ourselves.

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Anonymous said...

I absolutely love your writing style! The way you tell stories and use examples to help the reader understand the message. It's brilliant!

My suit of armor has seen better days that's for sure. But tonight I will be shining it up and making sure it's a good fit.

Thank you so much for inspiring the women here to demand more for themselves.

Anonymous said...

Inspiring indeed..we Women think too much..way too much. I hate it myself too. I have gone through the roughest paths to realise what you have written here. Now that I am aware, the first and last to rule a healthy relationship, is Respect. And to come in terms with 'he's simply Not that into you' so, stop visualising the potentials.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

You bring up an excellent observation "he's simply not that into you, so stop visualizing the potentials."

Most times, when a man disappears, the women is focused on "what could've been" rather than the reality of "what it was." And it's this longing, this fantasizing about what MIGHT have happened as oppossed to what actually DID happen that causes her so much pain.

Reality is reality. Fantasy is fantasy.

Learning to distinuish the two will enable you to find a suitable mate that treats you with dignity and respect rather than chasing and trying to convince a jerk that you could really be great together.

Focus on the reality, ladies, as grim as it may be. Because the fantasy is exactly that - just a fantasy.

And NEVER beat yourself up over a jerk. Thank your lucky stars that he revealed himself as one and go find your Prince.

Anonymous said...

Thank you... :)
Well, being a Pisces, it's sometimes a challenge to differentiate fantasy from reality. You hit the core of my thoughts.. Haha. I need to remind myself this all the time, and not to let my imagination become an expectation.

Anonymous said...

This is the most helpful article I have ever read and has helped me a lot as a victim of the disappearing act twice. I have taken this on board????? A jerk is a jerk just let them go there are plenty of decent people out thre be choosy ad dont waste your time???????????????

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I'm glad you've found this helpful. That was the true intention behind the piece.

Regardless of how others treat you, ALWAYS treat yourself with respect. Others will notice and pay you back in kind.

Don't cry over the jerks and don't let them affect your self-esteem. Hold your head high, choose for yourself and pass on the idiots.

There are nice guys out there - and they don't treat women like this.

KIU said...

Great article. I'm in the midst of a man pulling a disappearing act right now. So, I've read both this one and "Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do?" Man, talk about hitting the nail on the head. So, since a friend shared "What To Do?" last night and I found "The Aftermath" article today, I'm taking a new approach and playing his game. I'm not putting myself out there anymore for him. I'm not going to seek him out. I'm not going to text him. I know I don't deserve his BS and can do better. However, I'm inpatient and will soon want to know what he's thinking or if he's even noticed that I'm not begging to see him anymore. I guess I'll want to know if he even cares a little... Maybe that's not important but it's my general nature. I'll try to keep my armor in it's best shape for the true Prince Charming that means what he says and backs up those statements with tangible actions.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Yes, you're doing the right thing here. It's hard, I know. But you'll feel better about yourself knowing that you're looking our for numero uno - you.

Women become impatient ALOT sooner than men. So you need to prep yourself here. Prepare to not hear from him for weeks, possibly a month or more. Do not contact him. When you feel like you might buckle and do so, do something else instead. Date other men, hang out with friends, go for a walk, jump on the phone with a girlfriend and talk it out. Do anything but contact him. If you contact him, he gets the upper hand and he'll know it and the games will really begin.

Act different from other women. Men expect women to go off the rails during this period. And when a woman does that, you hand them an excuse to dump you. Don't give him that.

He will return. Most, if not all, circle around again. And when they do, you don't jump. You don't respond the same day. You make him wait (like he's done to you) and you make him work for it, to prove he's serious.

Anything short of that and he should get the boot. Just give him some space, keep yourself occupied and he'll get curious and seek you out again. Just like men use women's emotions as a weapon against them, women can use a man's ego in the same manner. Naturally, we women don't want to have to resort to this sort of thing, but alas, it's THEIR game, ya' know? So . . game face on girl.

And how you use the ego against them is (and I'm not saying this to be evil, it's not meant as evil play, it's actually meant to bring the two of you together) you don't inflate it for them. You ignore them. Their ego's become a little bruised and they start to get a little insecure and question themselves, "Was I wrong about her? Maybe she's a cool chic and not like the rest who are whacko?" "Wonder where she's been? Is she seeing someone? Is there another guy? Did I loose her?" When they start thinking like that, they come looking for you. If you contact them, they have nothing to think about. Get it?

Show him your strength. Show him you're different, you're not like all the other girls. You won't chase him, you won't come unraveled. Do that and he'll become intriqued.

I did this recently with a man. . . I "poofed" on him when he started misbehaving and becoming disrespectful in his treatment of me. It took two months but . . . voila' - there he was, back again. And curious, LOL. "Where have you been? How's it going? What's new?" By not hearing from me, he began to think about me. So much so, that he sought me out two months later.

Unfortunately, for him, by that time, I was soooo over it all. I showed little interest and took 3 days to respond. And you know what? Six weeks later, voila' - there he was again, LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

I just had a guy do this to me a little over a week ago. For over a month, we emailed, texted and went out on dates a couple of times. Then one day I get an email from him saying hello, and the next day he becomes cold and distant. The problem is we go to the same school, and are occasionally forced to attend classes together. It appears to me that his behavior changed after I spent several hours of my time editing his paper. It's unfathomable to me that he would cut contact with me because of the comments I made about his paper. After I gave his paper back and realized something was wrong, I just sent him a note to see how he was doing. Not only did he wait a couple of hours to reply, but his reply was so terse, it sent me into an automatic shock. Since then, we haven't talked. He normally initiated all of our communication. That was a little over a week ago. I'm not going to reach out to him to find out what happened, but I am going through the phases you described above. To be honest, I was not anticipating the ending to be like this. I knew we weren't going to be long-term, but I was enjoying his company nonetheless. Now, I am struggling to get over this and pretend like I am okay. Normally it would be easier to get over someone if I didn't have to see him, but that's not an option here. Any suggestions on how to move this along would be most welcomed.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

It's unfortunate that you're experiencing this right now and I'm sorry that you're going through that.

Regretfully, there is no way to move this process along. It's a grieving process, and a very natural, human one at that. You need to go through this process in order to fully heal. At least to stage 6. Don't let the last two stages happen, those are under your control.

Just be aware of these phases that take place after something like this and don't beat yourself up over them. It's hard, I know, because you will pass through each one. However, don't let any of them consume you and control how you experience each one. For instance, when you notice that you're experiencing self blame, be consciously aware that that's all it is. Acknowledge it for what it is and immediately shift gears by doing something to distract yourself from it. Clean the house, go for a walk, call a girlfriend and talk it out, go for coffee . . you get the idea. Dont' beat yourself up. Accept that what you're going through is what it is and then get busy doing something positive in it's place.

By replacing each of these negative actions with a positive one, you will slowly begin to feel much better eventually and you will have given yourself some positive coping skills as well.

Anonymous said...

This is a very good article, I appreciate your insights. I still have a problem. You wrote, "Had you not given of yourself so freely upfront and without requiring any knightly gestures from the man standing before you, you may not have suffered..." True, and yet with almost everyone having "FWB" these days, it is virtually impossible to hold back sexually without men moving on. The three-date rule... I have been tossed aside literally dozens of times by men because I would not sleep with them. IMO many years of birth control and 'free love' has resulted in the vast majority of men fulfilling their worst potential.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well, here's the thing. Here's what you need to realize about men pushig for sex and then bolting when they don't get it.

They're no good anyway. Period.

When a guy leaves you because you won't have sex. . .sex was all he was after anyway. He was seeking a FWB situation, not a relationship. So let them go - buh bye. Why would you want a FWB situation when a relationship is what you seek? Do you honestly think that FWB situations turn into long lasting relationships or marriages. Nope. They don't. They carry on for several weeks or months and then fizzle out because there was no real interest there anyways. So don't feel any love loss over the creeps who seek sex and FWB situations and leave when they don't get them.

Thank your lucky stars that you didn't allow yourself to be used there - only for them to dump you weeks or months into it anyways - because they were never truly genuinely interested.

True gentlemen, who genuinely like the woman, DO NOT behave like that. They respect the woman and her wishes. They're not creeps who bolt when they don't get sex.

Me personally, when a guy does that, I'm like, "Whew! Dodged a bullet there. Chalk one up for me, I'm looking out for myself. Next!!"

You don't sit around and feel bad about some creep seeking sex and then leaving when he doesn't get it. Those types NEVER make good boyfriends or husbands anyway, so why suffer the loss of them?

You suss out the players and those seeking only sex by REQUIRING knightly gestures. That's the ENTIRE point here. Yes, many men will move on. So what? They're the turds anyway. You filter out the creeps from the ones with good intentions by requiring knightly gestures. The ones who provide them are keepers. The ones who don't are players that you don't want involved with anyway because they'd only use you then dump you a couple weeks or months into it anyway. And who the hell wants to go through that repeatedly, you know?

And yes, 20 men may walk before one sticks around. That's perfect! That's what you WANT. You want to suss out the gentleman from the player, that's the whole point. That's how you protect yourself, that's how you don't permit yourself to be used and then dumped, that's how you respect yourself as a woman, that's how you don't end up becoming emotional road kill . . .and most importantly, that's how you find your Prince.

"IMO many years of birth control and 'free love' has resulted in the vast majority of men fulfilling their worst potential."

Very true. And you can thank all the easy girls out there nowadays, who require nothing of men and give themselves away freely like party favors, for ruining it for the rest of us.

KIU said...

Aphrodite, I really like what you just said about the FWB type situation or that guys who leave b/c they don't get sex aren't worth it in the first place. This struck a chord with me thinking back on the guy I was seeing...he didn't run when I wouldn't give him sex, he patiently waited telling me he was not after that and that he wanted he a real relationship with me and didn't want to fuck his chances up. Two months into the relationship we slept together. Then all hell broke loose in his personal life and he didn't have proper time to give me and our relationship. After a few weeks of me seeing he didn't have the time he did finally tell me it wasn't fair to me and we should move on. So, maybe it wasn't a true disappearing act. But now I see him walking around and talking with his ex-FWB and I can't help but wonder why he went back to her. That's the hardest part. Men suck.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

He's simply using the FWB girl is all. He didn't have the time to dedicate himself to a real relationship with you, so he did the right thing there by being honest about it. That indicates that he has respect for you.

She's working for him right now because all he's getting from her is sex, no relationship. After a couple weeks or months, that will fizzle out.

In otherwords, it's only an arrangement, it's not a real thing.

You could be there in her place, hell, any girl willing could be in her place right now. She's a body is all.

You wouldn't permit yourself to be used, so he couldn't do that with you and he valued and respected you too much to fake his way through it. It sounds as if he was truly interested and it wouldn't surprise me to see him show back up on your doorstep once he's finished taking care of his personal life and has tired of the meaningless arrangement he's in right now with her.

Anonymous said...

Men who do this sort of thing, especially in every "relationship" are narcississts! And generally the women involved are co-dependent.

It can happen the other way around but it's usually the way you write it.

A woman who isn't codependent would heed the red flags right away, accept the situation for what it is and him for who he is and get out, cut her losses and not look back, before she gets emotionally invested.

I've recently made this discovery for myself. Your stages are really accurate, except for me, the anger has been sporadic. Altho I'm sure you know grief isn't linear.

The guy I became involved with was divorcing so still emotionally involved there obviously. (Red flag I ignored.) And when it ended there was serious undertone of it being my fault. And he overlapped me with someone else.

I know we all want and need love and relationships. But healthy people don't do this to each other. And I know lots of people are doing this, so it's "normal" behavior.

That speaks volumes for the emotional health of our society. It's really sad. And when women are tossed aside in this manner, it can take years for them to truly get over, some never do.

It needs to start with the parents but as adults, we do need to take responsibility. The people we choose are reflections of ourselves.

Do your emotional work. Look inward. Find approval from within and don't count on someone else and their behavior for your happiness.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Absolutely! And well said, thank you for contributing that.

It's true, co-dependency plays a pivotal role in this situation. An independent woman (or man) won't tolerate certain behaviors or overlook the red flags that lead to this situation.

Which is why it's important for women to love themselves, to think of themselves and to put their happiness at the forefront of their lives.

Don't expect a man to come along and give you your happiness - it won't happen like that.

Anonymous said...

Thank you very much, this article is my biggest help now... I am 35 years old and went through almost everything you can imagine. There were happy years, sad years, I was married already, but i left my husband because he changed so much after the wedding, he was not the same guy he was before... I rather be alone than with somebody who doesnt make me happy, but also I am suffering alone... and as time goes by, in my age I feel worse... I would love to have a family, a man beside me and kids, but the most important thing is to find a person who loves me and I can love him back... It is getting more and more difficult... And recently, I met a guy online...from another country... we were emailing slowly at the beggining, for months, then started chatting and video calling, and I was planning to travel to his country for vacation and told him that we can meet for a coffe or something like this... but then, things got speed up so fast, and he said that he just cant wait another month and sent me a plane ticket... I trusted him by then to except his offer, he was very nice, very open, nothing like I have ever seen before, and he is living together with his sister and father in a big house, so I felt like I was in a dream that he is not afraid to introduce me to his family... then when I arrived, of course i felt nervous, and I am sure he was too, but seemed like we will be ok in real life too. We had dinner with the family, then we were together... it was wonderful till that happened... next morning he was still very nice, and a great host, we went around the whole city, he introduced me to everybody, like he was showing me off, he even took me to his piano teacher, but he didn't kiss me or touched me not even in his car when nobody saw us... we had a great day and a very long and meaningful conversation, I thought he was just nervous still... we had a lovely evening in a very posh spa resort where he was playing the piano, he orderd me so much food I couldn't finish eating fir 3 hours, and the staff was running around me all night wathcing it if I need more water or vine.... but still, no kiss, no touch... and then, the second and last night, he was holding me all night, although the first night he said he can't sleep like that... so I thought, maybe now he was relaxed... next morning, I was flying back home, and I thought we may talk about it a bit... but no kiss, nothing... i didn't want to force him to talk... big hug and kiss at the airport and I was runnin into the terminal without looking back... then the first few days, he was still communicating with me, but I felt he was so distant... so I offered him to be friends... he just said ok, and stopped writing... and that's when I started to feel miserable.... since then we talked once, of course I started it, but not nagging him, just trying to be friendly and It would make me feel better if we could just talk like two intelligent human being... he seemed angry, but after a while he was fine and friendly... the I told him that I thought he just didn't like me enough and that's why I said to be friends... and since then..... nothing.... so here I am, reading your article, and thank you for it again!!!

Anonymous said...

I am a 50 year old, still in great shape, intelligent Capricorn woman who has finally realized that I have lived my entire life the wrong way. I am totally confident and secure UNTIL I meet a man that I really like and then everything changes. My mother, friends and other wise women have given me the advice found in this article. But did I listen? No.

When I do meet a man that I really like (which is not very often) I sleep with him too quickly (2-8 dates) because I want to know what he is all about in the bedroom. Because to be honest, if that part of the relationship is not good then game over. A good sex life is vital (but not everything)to a relationship and since I am not permiscuous I become VERY emotionally attached. When it does not work out I become an unrecognizable shell of my former self who was confident, intolerant of taking crap from a man and able to think clearly.

It's time that I wake up and face the fact that I have disrespected myself and not truly loved myself all these years. Sad but true.

Anonymous said...

What about Capricorn men? Do they pull the dissappear act? Is it better to let them chase you or when you iniate a convo they feel that you're creating together a bond? Argh I'm so confused... I'm interested in one that I met abroad,I asked him to go out but we didn't cause the next day he would return back lol. I was the one who first talked to him to FB,then after months approx.,he talked first,I told him that he was in my mind from the day we met,and he said that he had a relationship 3 years ago and she lied to him,so he had a hard time,but we continued talking and we had a great time! From this time,we started talking every week,he calls me ''pretty'' almost every time,and most of the times me sending him messages and sharing things with him. He replies usually the same day or after 2 days...And once he was at his friend's house(studying abroad) and talked to me on Skype for a few mins,he had lesson to attend. Sometimes posting romantic songs on FB(ok maybe I'm over-reading this!) Unless we chat,his replies aren't lengthy,I think this is a Cap trait. Anyway,I'd like to know how to continue from here... Go on with me sending him messages? Dissappear and stop sending msgs and force him to man up? Does he sound like a d-bag? I'm counting on your help Mirror!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@50 Year Old Cappie Gal,
Look, don't beat yourself up. Do you think the dating articles on this site would be so popular or have so many personal stories and comments on them if you were the only woman with tendencies to behave as such, LOL?

The biggest challenge is to accept the reality, which you're already doing. So you're moving in the right direction and things will only go up from there. My only bit of insight, just to make things easier on yourself the next time around with a man . . if you know that sex strongly bonds you emotionally to a man - then that's all the more reason to wait before you take that step. Don't make it any harder on yourself than it needs to be, ya' know? You go at a pace that YOU'RE comfortable with. And if the guy doesn't wait or he bails, then thank your lucky stars - cause he wasn't a man worth knowing anyway.

Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, be good to yourself, love yourself, respect yourself - and you will attract someone TO yourself that does the same for you :-)

It's time to be selfish.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

All men have pulled the disappearing act at some time or another in life. It's NEVER a good idea for a woman to pursue or chase a man. It goes against Mother Nature. You don't see doe chasing buck around in the forest. You don't see female chimpanzees chasing around the males in the jungle. And you don't see the lioness stalking the lion king out on the safari. It's just not how Mother Nature intended it.

Read this article to get a better idea of the situation that pursuing a man will eventually get you:


Anonymous said...

Wow, this amazing! I have been dealing with the disappearing douche for a while now. I absolutely thought it was me at first; perhaps I did something wrong or he wasn't into me. And then someone creepy crawls back and the cycle repeats. The last time it was; I can make you happy, we are good together and you are the only one I want to see...actually I want us to date. Really? Where'd you go this time? Well, I have given him free reign to eff with someone else's head...haven't heard from since. But...I wonder if those hooves will be heard in the distance in the not-so-distant future again. You can bet your ass that this strong girl has polished and cleaned her shiny armor and refuses to deal with the disappear douche ever again :)

Anonymous said...

Hello there!

I love your blog, very insightful! I would really like to know your point of view on something that is going on with me. I met this guy at at bar while I was out with my bf. when he approached us there was a guy hitting on me but I was annoyed by him. He offered to help " get rid of him". I instantly felt a huge attraction and I liked the guy very much. After a few margaritas we end up kissing and after he beggied me to take him home for half of an hour . I did! We had the best time! The next morning there was a encore. He hang for a while and finally we had lunch at 2pm. I droppiped him off to his car.and I don't hear from him until a month later! With an excuse of work being crazy. He ask me out and made him wait 2 weeks. The day finally comes and he is very punctual and he organized the whole date. He was a gentleman all the way: opening doors, paying for everything and focus on me. W had a 6hrs date. A the end he says that he was sorry for the delay getting back at me cause he was freaked out of the situation of us sleeping together without knowing each other.he say he had a good time and we hugged twice. Next day he sent me a text thanking me for sharing a great night but that's it. Another weeks has passed and haven't heard from him again! Is his pulling the disappearing act again? I'm so confused and any advise would be very appreciated.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Yep, he's pulling it again - and chances are, that's all this will ever be.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad here, but the reality is that this is what happens when you have sex with a man too soon. They LOVE the journey, the thrill of the chase. By sleeping with a man right away, you remove all of the fun for them - no more challenge, no more chase. That's it, it's over. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is with men :-(

He even admitted to you that the fact that you guys slept together too soon freaked him out. And, it did. It removed the fun for him and now, he doesn't know what to make of it. He doesn't know if he wants to continue here. And even though he may like you, he's not sure he wants to have a relationship with you. Which is why you wait until the 8-10th date to sleep with a man - so he knows you as a person and proves he's got a genuine interest in you - not just a sexual one.

And because that has happened here, I'm not sure this will ever go anywhere or any further at this point.

If it doesn't, that's okay, lesson learned. Next time, wait for a man to make some knightly gestures and prove himself to you before sleeping with him. Make him prove he likes you. Wait to see if he continues to call you after a month or so of dating, wait to see if he does nice things for you regularly, wait to see if he makes time for you, wait to see if he wants a relationship with you first.

Make him work at it for at least 8-10 dates or about two months. Don't give it away for free after one date if you want a guy to stick around and take you seriously.

PisceanNamedShelly said...

Hi Ms. Aphrodite,

Read the post hoping you can give some advise..
I'm in a relationship with a libra man and I am pisces.. We used to work at the same company before, I can tell that he's eyeing on me cause he used to tell some stuff from the time that I haven't met him yet like he already saw the shirt, dress, shoes, or he knows the people that I used to hang out with (this is during training) etc. which I didn't use and was never introduce to him when we bacame friends .. Then we got along, he used to be touchy which I didn't like but I think thats his way on how he show his sweetness like he used to put his head on my shoulder or his arms on my shoulder he wants to sit beside me all the time and stare at me that kind of stuff.. we enjoy each others company and I was able to make him open up, he used to tell me about his past, childhood stories, even if somethings bothering him (our relationship continues even though he transfered to a diffrent company).. But then sometimes when a major problem stikes he doesn't know how to deal with it he gets too much pressured and confused tendency I am the one needs to solve the problem. It comes to a point that he gets pissed so easily during our conversations, even if I didn't say anything bad all I want is for him to clarify what he just said cause I want a straight or more detailed answer I don't want to assume, I want to make sure that we're on the same page (which he already knew and get used to). I gave him some space maybe he got suffocated but then he's asking me why did I changed he's not used to it and asked me if I dont like him anymore (so now I'm confuseD). He didn't disappeared yet cause He still makes me feel that he loves me and everytime we see each other I can still feel that he misses me but it got me really confused about his actions. I feel like he doesn't love me the way used to before. I dont want to make him feel that I'm chasing him by asking whats wrong or why all of a sudden you changed ect.
However it gotten worst. Right now I’m having some issues at work and he’s having his own issues too… Now he got me more confused there is a sudden change with his attitude again we often end up arguing this past few weeks so I decided not to talk about our issues at work cause I thought maybe he thats the reason why he's acting like that (due to too much stress) but it didnt worked.
But now he's acting totally diffrent.. He usually answers my question by giving me a detailed answer since he knows that thats what I want or I will keep on asking him questions if he doesnt give me the right answer, he used to  tell me if he has a problem. Now he gets easily irritated, more irritated, he turns cold and lessen the time for each other (I didn't questioned him why).
Just a few days ago he ask for some space he said he feels like he can't do anything for himself now cause he's more focused on me. I felt bad, it seems like I'm eating all up of his time and energy which is totally wrong! He was the one who initiates more often if we will go out. If he wants to do something like going out with his friends or doing his thing i just let him do what he needs to do. This past few weeks he didn't ask me out nor asked if when are we going to see each other. He didn't even visit me for 3 weeks now (he visits me in the office or house if we have a diffrent schedule).
I've read a lot about libra man from the time that he acts differently but I need to know if a guy that suddenly turns cold is cheating on me or he just need to fix something? or he ask for some space cause he's flirting around? I need some advise please...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well first of all, put yourself in his shoes. You said, "or I will keep on asking him questions if he doesn't give me the right answer."

Think about that. Wouldn't you feel extremely pressured and unable to make someone happy who was constantly picking at your brain? And what is the right answer? I'm sure he feels he's giving you the right answer, yet you're seeking one that suits you. You need to accept what he tells you and then let it go. If you keep coming at him like that, you're definitely going to drive him away.

Men like to be around women they find fun and easy to be around. Constantly being questioned isn't fun and it's not easy to be around that all the time either.

I don't think he needs to fix anything, sweetie. I think you do. You've put him into a pressure cooker with all the questions. It makes him miserable and unhappy, so he's pulling away. He needs space away from all of the negativity your creating with the constant questioning.

He's not giving you detailed answers anymore because - even when he does, they sound like they're not good enough for you to accept. Or it just brings on more questions.

You see, when a woman does that constantly with a man - all the questions and pressure - it reveals her insecurities, her weaknesses and fears. Fear of loosing him, fear he won't love her, insecure in the relationship and afraid he'll leave - that's the energy you're giving off by doing all of that. And again, men like to date women who are fun and easy to be around and that they can make happy. None of that is fun, easy to be around or making anyone happy.

He needs space, no more talking. He needs time away from all of that so he can decide what he wants to do, so he can clear his head. I think the relationship was feeling like a lot of work and very little fun for him.

Just pull back and give him the space he needs. Don't ask anymore questions and don't contact him or chase him. If you do, he won't respond and he'll run from you. Sit tight, let him relax and get away from all of this and if he genuinely likes you, he'll be back.

Anonymous said...

hello aprodite! I've experienced all this and now he's coming back again, doing it all again. He just won't get out of my faceee!!! It's crazy! Now that I'm over him, and i've accepted defeat, he comes back and tries to woo me again. I don't know what to do. I see him regularly (unfortunately) and he always needs to get attention from me, i've tried ignoring him or simply shrugging at everything he says, but he just won't budge!!! A friend of mine said i've got him in my hand, lol. I don't know what to do now, please help! x

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Go here and read the section titled "What To Do When Your Man Reappears: Behavioral Mirroring:"


Anonymous said...

If ever you have been guilty of doing the chase rather than the man chasing you, is there a chance that you can make things right so he will respect you? Well, it started with him getting intested with you at first, exhanged smiles and a few dates. I just happen to like this man quickly than he liked me. I over reacted in showing him I liked him, we kissed at one time maybe because he thinks I am easy but then I said NO to the sex thing as I cannot see he is that into me yet.

I am not saying the man I am interested with does not respect me. I just want to do it properly this time. Is there a way that I can maintain the friendship while I have already texted him and be in control again?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Yea it's simple - just stop initiating all of the contact and let him come to you. Let him prove to you that he likes you by pursuing you.

If he doesn't do that, then he was only half interested in the first place. If he does pursue you, you let him be a man here and you make him prove to you that he's genuinely interested by:

1) calling you
2) making time for you
3) asking you on dates

It's really that simple.

Anonymous said...

Great article and an issue for more and more couples. Yes, more and more men are disappearing. According to Henry Makow, Ph.D., "being heterosexual is going into the closet."

For me? I did a bit of disappearing after being with the same woman who I still love dearly after 27 1/2 years. Did I really leave? No. Did I withdraw from the relationship yes. Did I become silent? Yes.

Why? All bets are off when a woman goes into menopause. I watched one of the most beautiful, sweet and humorous women, partner, friend, lover, turn into a total witch and become verbally abusive of me for over 1 year.

We are now just coming out of the fog and she is starting to treat me with the love and respect I deserve. I've bitten my tongue a lot over the past year.

Believe it or not, men are simple. You feed us, you scratch our back, you tell us how wonderful we are and yes you have sex with us and there is nothing we won't do for you......

....but tell us we are "worthless," "have lost our edge," "tell us we are losers..." and we will withdraw from you.

Great article.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Thank you for contributing your thoughts and your story here. It's nice to have some male insight and shared experiences here. I imagine the emotional roller coaster of menopause is tough on everyone involved. Makes me scared to go through it myself one day.

And I'd like to congratulate you for sticking through it with her and not bailing on the marriage because of it. Very admirable qualities of a true gentlemen.

She's very lucky to have you, indeed.

Anonymous said...

I have been involved with a guy for the last 3 years that has disappeared, reappeared, gets really close to me, pulls away. He separates from his wife, then takes her back and hen ignores me until it goes to hell with them again and he comes back on strong with me. This last time has really hit me hard. He had me looking for homes for us to move in of together. Asked for divorce, she moved out then he decided once again that he missed her and wanted her back. Started ignoring me again. We work together btw. But after he got her back he starts flirting with me, seems to want more of a casual relationship but doesn't want to let go of me completely. I have tried to stay distant. Today before he leaves he asks if he can have a hug at first I say no I'm trying to disconnect from you, then I give in and he hugs me then gives me a quick kiss. Then turns to leave. I say you can't just kiss me and walk off. He knew I wanted to kiss him again and he says I'll be right back. He comes back but not into the office and says "I'm gonna go." Talk about rejection. I told him to stay away from me, I was tired of him playing with my emotions. He said he wasn't. He just turned and left. My question is how do I get my dignity back after that? I have to face him tomorrow. I am so mad at myself. He initiated it then turns around and acts like I am trying to get him to do something.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

This guys a real jag. You maintain your dignity by not showing him any of your emotions right now. You keep it together at work, you remain calm and you stand strong.

And you do your best to treat him with disregard. DO NOT make THIS man feel special, in any way, shape or form. What he's doing to both of you women is downright evil and cruel. You need to disconnect from this toxic relationship immediately or this guy's gonna steal your soul. You could waste years in a situation like this, trust me, I've seen it happen.

He's got a lot of nerve - and he's having his cake and eat it too right now. He's got you stroking his ego at work and then he goes home to wifey and receives the security and contentment of playing house with the family. What a jag.

This one deserves the lesson of consequence:


Anonymous said...

Thank you for such a prompt reply. I have been reading your posts for awhile now and you seem to really know what your talking about. I will take your advice and do my best to handle it this way. I have already received the apology text saying "I'm not the master manipulator you think I am. Most of the time I feel like a little boy trying to find his place in life, scared and confused. I'm so sorry about today." I ignored it and haven't replied.
You are right this has been such a toxic situation. It would take pages to tell everything that's happened.
Once again I'm so thankful for your advice.

Anonymous said...

I have been dealing with a guy on and off for the last 5 years. He reappeared in July and texted me but this time I told him upfront via text that I'm looking for a relationship and I'm not looking to be fwb. He said that he respected that. He texts me maybe once a week just to see how I am doing.He has always seem caring thats whay I fell for him. He remembers small details about me and my life. He always tell me how beautiful I am. We went out to lunch a few weeks ago. He tried to get me to his house afterwards which I didn't go because I knew what he was up to. Its been 5 months since he has reappeared and I haven't fell victim to him as far as sex. I am so crazy about him and have been for the last 5 years. I am trying to keep my cool and not initiate contact anymore. I do want to know what his intentions are and whether or not he wants to really date me and maybe move into a relationship but I don't know how to take that approach. He see this time around I am not jumping in the bed with him so quickly and I have set some standards and told him what I was looking for. What is the next step? I want to be with him badly

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec. 3, 10:43PM,
You keep doing what you're doing, you're looking out for yourself, which is a good thing. Stand strong. Wait for HIM to ask YOU for a relationship.

Anonymous said...

"Make him work at it for at least 8-10 dates or about two months." But what if you only met 4 times in two months and during this time we were constantly texting? I didn't have sex with him and he didn't reply my last message so I think he got tired of waiting.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Why do women always think it's their fault, LOL??

Do you really think you need to have sex with a man for him to like you? If so, he's not a man worth knowing. Because a man that genuinely likes you as a person will wait.

And he'll also ask you out more than 4 times in two months.

It was him, honey, not you. You did everything right here and what you did was . . . you sniffed him out as a man seeking sex. Which is the point of waiting. If a guy won't wait, he was only seeking sex. And if you would've had sex with him, he probably would've disappeared anyway.

So you did yourself a favor here. He was only half interested and you didn't let yourself be used. That's a good thing.

And never, ever, ever think that you need to have sex with a man to get him to like you - he should ALREADY like you, whether you have sex or not.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec. 3, 10:26PM,
He said, ""I'm not the master manipulator you think I am. Most of the time I feel like a little boy trying to find his place in life, scared and confused. I'm so sorry about today."

That's perfect. He HANDED you a perfect excuse and reason to now say to him, "I'm not going to be one of your casualties, you're not going to drag me into your confusion. From this point on, we are only friends and we'll chat at work. Nothing more. Do not call me, do not text me. I'm not going to wait around for you to find your way in life. And I'm not going to wait for you to grow up, from a boy to a man. When you grow up and figure it out, THEN you can call me."

And you stick to that. You chat in a casual and friendly manner at work only. No kissing there, no hugging there, no more ego stroking there. And no phone calls or texts outside of work. You let him figure himself out and you move on.

If you don't, you'll be doing this very same thing 3 years from now - trust me.

Nothing is going to FORCE him to make a decision here when he has the best of both worlds. Why chose when you have both? See what I mean?

Remove yourself from the situation. Force his hand and force him to live with the consequences of his actions.

If you're the one, he'll make the right decision. If you're not, he'll stay with his family.

But DON'T permit him to have BOTH at the same time. And DON'T wait around for him to grow up, man up, and get his shit together.

You remove yourself from this situation and you let HIM figure it out.

The fact that he's admitting he's scared, confused and feels like a little boy - tells me there's only going to be MUCH more of this wishy-washiness in the future from him.

Walk away and let him figure out life for himself.

Anonymous said...

You say to chat and be friendly but doesn't that prevent him from missing me? I read your nc post and you recommend not having contact for 30 days. I know I will have to see him at work but wouldn't it be better to ignore him and not talk to him? That is what I did today and he didn't attempt to talk to me.
It's so hard. This is the same man that just a few weeks ago was looking for a home for us to move into. I have went from being told I am his life, worth everything, the love of his life to this over and over. I have forgiven so many times and been told he will never do this again only to go through it again. Why can't I let go of hoping we will be together?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well my point there was that this was a "goodbye" - it wasn't no contact. It was goodbye . . as in sayonara, see ya' later, catch ya' round, call me when you grow up - bye, bye.

The chat and be friendly part was to maintain your dignity throughout the breakup and also to maintain as much of a pleasant working environment as possible. No one brings their dirty laundry to work, ya' know?

If you waste your time and energy on attempting to lure this man back to you - you'll spend an eternity doing so. He's not likely to leave his wife - forever. Yea, he'll walk away, have some fun with another woman for a while, live the single life for a while - and then when he's done having fun, he'll run back to the comforts of home - again, and again, and again.

You let him back into your life and you'll be inviting a world of pain into it by doing so. And then you'll only have yourself to blame.

Think about it . .

Anonymous said...

I see what you're saying. I guess my question is can I maintain my dignIty and not speak to him? He knows how to lure me back in and I'm so attracted to him that any time I talk to him in any way just causes me more pain and makes me miss him more. So how do I handle this?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

You can chose to ignore him entirely if you decide to do so. But realize, he's going to know you care if you do that. Otherwise, you wouldn't be upset.

You only have a few options when it comes to handling this:

1) Get sucked back in and then feel bad about yourself and experience the pain of rejection again at his hands

2) Ignore him entirely if you think that's possible. Although I think that will signal to him that you care, which in turn will cause him to manipulate you back to him anyway.

3) Maintain your dignity and act as if you could care less. Which is a message men really hear. When a woman can face them, stand her ground, and show no emotion over it - they truly HEAR that.

Anonymous said...

Thanks. That's what I needed to know if ignoring him would show him I still care. So I will suck it up and act like I don't care.

Anonymous said...

I have to ask again. How do I handle this? I know you said ignoring him entirely will send a signal that I still care so I have been friendly and he talks and flirts with me but nothing else. And it's killing me. He just left here after standing around talking to me 30 mins and I'm sitting here crying at work. He sends about 1 random text a day. How do I heal and get over him if I'm interacting with him? This is so hard.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

You have to take control of your own happiness here. Don't sit there and act helpless, like you can't control it, honey. A 30 minute conversation?? With someone you're attempting to avoid and keep short with?? Why didn't you excuse yourself?

Remove yourself from those situations. Give him 2 minutes of your time and then make up some excuse to get the hell away from him. Go to the bathroom, go talk to someone else, say you have somewhere to be.

You permitted this to happen by giving him 30 minutes of your time and attention. That's not how you treat someone you're attempting to avoid.

Next time, you cut him off, mid-sentence, and say, "Excuse me. I have to run, I have to use the bathroom and I have somewhere to be."

And then you leave the area. You cut him off and you send a message by doing so - that he's not that important to you anymore, that he's choosing not to be with you, and that you have more important things to do.

You don't give him an audience for 30 minutes of your time. You don't give him ANY of your time or attention.

Anonymous said...

I understand what you're saying. But he was already off I am stuck at the front desk, I couldn't leave. I guess next time I can try and have a friend call me and stay on the phone till he leaves. He stayed until the last employee had left and as soon as the last one left he took off almost as if he wanted me to know he didn't want to be alone with me. Oh and he also told me he's jealous of me and the supervisor. He said he knows he had no right to be but it crawls all over him when the supervisor is laughing and talking to me(he's single).
I know Its my fault. I know I keep allowing this to happen.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Stand strong, honey. You'll get this eventually. Just keep working on it and keep working on yourself is all. You're developing skills here that will help you later in life, trust me.

And don't beat yourself up over this. Take one on the chin here, he had the upper hand here this time. But next time, take a bit of control over the situation. Say something like, "You know, I'd love to chat, but I have to get this report done. Can we do this later sometime?"

Or say, "I'm sorry, you'll have to excuse me, I have a question I need answered." And then you make something up and you call on that supervisor, LOL.

Or, as you suggested, text a friend, "Call me now at work on this number please. I'll explain later." And get on the phone.

And if none of the above are options, you bury yourself in something at your desk, head down. You give it all you've got and you make it seem very important - more important than him. If he doesn't get the hint (your heads down and you're not making eye contact with him, you're engrossed in your work), then you nicely say, "I'm sorry, but I really need to get this finished. Can we talk later?"

And that "later" never comes because you're always too busy or too engrossed in your work or too busy on the phone, whatever you have to do.

Eventually, this will get easier for you.

Anonymous said...

I have been dealing with a man like this for a year. 5 times he vanished and 5 times i begged him to come back and he did. this is time 6 and i just had enough. I sent him an email saying how he doesnt respect me and i need to respect myself so bye. He is my soul mate and love him to no end, he is middle aged and only ever had been with me- so he has no other relationship expirence. Last time we broke up, i started to date his best friend and he came running back. This time he had a bad car accident and he said first thing he did when he came round was think of me, what if i had been in the car- he would have last everything. Then we planned xmas and he was off again. I know it is a gamble, but if my goodbye i had enough email wont put the frightners in him to get his act together, then i must say good riddance. I deserve better and i am sticking to my guns. He can explain to his family my absence at xmas dinner. Thank you for the blog, it helped so much in me making up mind and stop being a doormat to this man

Anonymous said...

I LOVE your topics and suggestions of how to handle when a man disappears. I am currently in the Self Blame stage. In general I do not think I did anything wrong, but am seeking reassurance.
I am a single mother of 3 children, so I tend to have to meet people online. I met "J" online several months ago. We started off by having conversations by phone. I was really only considering him in the friend zone as we live almost an hour apart. Overtime, I realized we had a lot in common. I love the way he devotes time to his son and his family. I agreed to meet him for lunch. He drove here and we had some great conversation and spent about 2 1/2 hours together. He is not my typical type when it comes to the "looks" department. He is the family guy, and knowing that is what I am looking for I thought I should see where my feelings go. We always talked and texted and eventually he came to see me again a few weeks later. We had a great dinner and again spoke for hours. A few weeks later a "red flag" occurred. We had plans to meet over a weekend, but then he remembered he would be out of town for his brothers party. He asked if we could get together that Sunday instead and I agreed. Sunday came and I did not hear from him until that evening. He phoned (I didn't answer) and left a VM that he was on his way back, he was sorry he did not call sooner, he wanted to see me, but knew it was too late for that day at this point. Given that we are not bf/gf I chose not to freak out on him. Conversations and text messages continued over the next few weeks. He has always been patient and understanding that I work Mon.-Fri. and am dealing with 3 active children on my own. He always requests to see me, but I officially plan the day per his request as his schedule is more flexible than mine. I thought this was him being courteous, but after reading this article...I feel like it makes it seem like I was pursuing him to much??? Next date was set per his request a few weeks later for a Friday night dinner. I texted him to get a time, but did not hear back. I decided to make other plans (thinking I would not hear from him and I was not going to just sit around). On the way to meet a friend, he called(around 7pm.) I did not answer. He sent a text saying he did want to see me, to please call him. I let him know I made other plans because I did not hear from him. He felt bad and said he was putting in his last ride hours for a certification course (paramedic). We ended up meeting that night at a karoake bar. We stayed out until around 3AM playing in the arcade and just walking around. This was the night of our first kiss. The talking and texting continued..the flirting really started. He would call me in the morning to leave me sweet VM or text messages knowing I was at work. His attention is completely on me when we are together and/or on the phone. It seemed like things were headed in the right direction. we met again, but this time in between where he and I both lived. We enjoyed each others time at a park. This is the last time I saw him.

Anonymous said...

(Continued) He asked to see me again when I had the time. We agreed to get together this past Sunday. He had to work this past Saturday (24 hour shift), but we texted that morning while he was getting ready for work. I sent a text Saturday night for a possible time for our date. He never responded, so I called him Sunday afternoon around 12pm. He answered and said he was glad I called. He was just waking up and would be meeting his mom for a movie at 1. I knew he had plans to meet with him mom that day already. I told him I didn't want to bother him, but just wanted to know if we were or weren't getting together so I could make other plans. He said he really wanted to see me, and I asked for him to call me after the movie and let me know if he felt like meeting up or not. I did not hear from him until around 945pm Sunday night with a text saying...I'm sorry and I am just getting home...I am sure you are out so please call me when you get in or when you have a free minute. Being disappointed, I did not call him until the next night. He did not answers, so I left him a VM. I have not heard back from him. We never had sex, so I am a little puzzled...he really did not have many of the "red flags" listed in some of your articles. He and I are both Aquarius signs. What might I have done wrong? Thank you! DM

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Single Mom of 3,
You haven't done anything wrong here. If there's anything I could point out, however, it's that you were phoning him about the times for the date. When a guy makes a date with you, he should set the time immediately. If he doesn't, there's a good chance he's throwing the date out there as an option, but it's something he may or may not do. So when a man makes a date, you need to arrange the time right then and there.

DO NOT leave date plans open ended like that and don't let men get away with leaving you "on hold" for dates.

It should go like this, "Want to meet Sunday?"

"Sure, what time?"

"Oh, I don't know, things are going to be up in the air that day."

"Well, then how about another day when you can schedule some time then?"

Refuse the date if he can't commit to it, if he can't commit to a date and time - then he gets none of your time. It's that simple. You are a single mother with 3 children. You can't just pick up and take off whenever he decides he'd like to see you. And the fact that he's not respectful of that - is disrespectful to you.

There's an old saying, "Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like they're option."

He was treating you like an option. He wasn't making time for you. He kept you on hold. That's rude and disrespectful.

And in total, this guys made plans with you and stood you up like two or three times already. No more. No dates with committed times to meet made in advance - then no date. Period. If he wants to see you, he has to make time for you. Seems like everything else was more important to him. Not good.

Additionally, he's now ignoring you. So it's time for "no contact." If he rings you, you don't respond. You make him make several attempts to reach you. And you don't reach out to him, at all.

If he doesn't come around, then you have your answer - he was only half interested. If he steps up to the plate, you need commitments from him on these dates if you're going to agree to make yourself available to him for them.

Anonymous said...

(Single Mom of 3 again)Thank you SO much Aphrodite!I have been doing the No Contact as I have not called him since the last time (when he didn't answer). Its been almost a week at this point, so I am assuming I will not hear from him again. I will def. make sure to have dates set in the future with a locked in time. I was even dating other people, as I know the men are...I made sure not to always be available...maybe that is why this is so frustrating for me. I wish I didn't care, but I think I sincerely enjoyed talking with him as well, so I miss that connection we seemed to have. I would have been fine with even being friends. I guess that seems stupid at this point, but I am trying to learn from each date I have at this point. How long do guys sometimes play these games? I think by some posts guys will even contact the girl a month later..is that really true? Thanks, Single Mom of 3.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Single Mom of 3,
Not only is that true, that's the soonest you can really expect to hear from them. Although some will begin making attempts about two weeks into it, the most apparent reappearance times seem to be one month, two months, 3 months, 6 months, one year - hell, I had one from 3 years ago contact me this summer and one from two years ago contact me this spring.

And there's a great success story over on this post:


Scroll through the comments and read Vivian's story. Her guy began making attempts about 8 days into it, but honestly he really didn't amp up his efforts until about one month had passed.

Not all men come back and some only return to play more games. But many men, a majority of them, come back. But it takes time. Men are different emotionally and mentally. It takes the MUCH longer to process feelings and they need a lot more time to pass before they begin missing someone - generally months. And even after they realize they miss someone, it takes more time to work up the nerve to make an attempt at communication.

Men do not move on a woman's time and they do not motor through emotions and feelings like women do. Just because a guy doesn't contact you for a week - that's nothing in a man's world. If it's been a month, don't write them off yet. If it's been two or three months, don't write them off yet. After 6 months, chances begin to decrease. But even then, many men reappear after 6 months to a year later.

Never say never with men ;-)

confused girl said...

Hi, I love your article. Could you give me some advice. I'm in an open relationship with someone I met online. He emailed me, we started flirting, he disappeared for a while, reappeared, and then after a while, he suggested we enter into an open relationship (we're on opposite side of the globe). I think he did this because he learned that some guy is pestering me. I told him we have to communicate more if we want the relationship to work. He made some effort to do that but during the Christmas season, he disappeared again for a couple of days. I followed your advice not to seek him out during the time he disappeared and I acted as if I couldn't care less about his disappearance. He then emailed me giving me a lame excuse for his disappearance.

I want to end this but like other women, I can't help but think if there's any other way to make this work. We really click.

If I end this, should I email him or just not respond to his emails? thank you.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Confused Girl,
Don't bother to email him, just cease responding to him is all.

And don't bang your head against the wall attempting to making this work. The reality here is that it can't work - when you're on opposite sides of the planet, literally. And he asked for an open relationship because he wants to date women where he's at, ones that he can spend time with.

Additionally, you don't have a relationship with this man, you have a friendship is all. If you've never met in person, never spent any significant time together in person and have no plans to live near one another in person - then it's simply a friendship. Because, how can you have a romantic relationship with someone you don't get to see or be romantic with?

This is a "virtual" relationship at best - meaning, it doesn't exist in the real world, it only exists in the virtual one.

The definition of "virtual" is:

"Existing in the mind, especially as a product of the imagination. . .Not physically existing as such but made by software to appear to do so."

Cut him loose and find yourself a great guy that you can have a real relationship with, one that you can spend time with and one that you can physically enjoy :-)

Anonymous said...

Absolutely Beautiful!


Anonymous said...

Hey Mirror of Apphrodite! Wonderful article!I loved the easiness with which you explained the whole situation.I am in a not so good situation now.There is this guy,my batchmate,we weren't on talking terms or anything.Suddenly,he contacted me.Sent me an add,kept poking.I was the one to message him first(tired of his pokes on facebook).We would talk online and through texting.He initiated most conversations.15 days later he decided to hang out with me in our college party.We spoke,had a good time,we made out.We spoke a little after making out.He texted me first the next morning.We spoke on texts.The thing that constantly bothered me is that he wouldn't talk to me when with his friends or even when I would be with my friends.when i'd be alone he'd say hi and be all smiles.I kind of fell for him,started liking him quite seriously.For the past few days he's been aloof.He didn't write to me at all.After many days of not talking(I didn't want to bother him either) he wished me New Year and we spoke a little.Then wrote once again to which i replied and got no reply back.Yesterday I wrote him first.we spoke well.he told me he'd text back and he didn't.I don't know what to do about this situation.I spend most of my time thinking about him.I've been thinking maybe I'm wrong,there's something wrong woth me.Now,I'm picking myself up knowing I have to be stronger.But I can't get my mind off him.I know I won't write to him first at all.If you could please advise me what to do and tell me what is on his mind!is this the disappearing act? Thanks a lot aphrodite

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Regretfully, there's nothing you can do. It's not you, it's that he's most likely either seeking sex, is immature, is not ready for a relationship or is just a flake.

If a man genuinely likes you, he will seek you out. If he doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be.

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror of Apphrodite, I have been reading your articles for over a month and just like many other women in this site, I've found them very helpful and realistic. I was involved with a married man for 2 years and he pretty much walked all over me, I fell in love with him and at the begining he was nothing but prince charming, I knew him for a long time before that and there was great attraction between us, but I was married and we worked in the same place so nothing happened for over 6 years, I was laid off so I found myself another job, I separated from my husband and this guy came along, I know it was stupid of me to give him a chance, but I did and now I only have myself to blame for all the pain he put me through. We were fine and one day out of no where he told me he couldn't meet with me as "often" as we once did which I knew it was just an excuse considering our last meeting was 2 months before that. Anyway I'm here because I'm feeling lost and devastated from this experience, I want to tell all women in the world to never EVER get involved with a married man, it is the worst you can do for your self steem and self respect. I took a lot of bs from him and I broke down in pieces when he walked away, but I didn't contact him for a month and he suddenly reappeared just to check "how I was doing" I only replied to his text after 7 days, it was my intention not to reply at all, but I was weak and I just said I'm doing great and really busy, I didn't say anything about his dissapearing on me for a month, he replied with a short I'm glad your are doing fine and didnt't hear from him again after exactly one month after when he texted me to wish me a Happy New Year and asking me if I was back to work, that was 7 days ago and I don't intend to reply at all. The question is, why is he texting me? and bringing back all the pain he caused me. Maybe now that I haven't replied he won't come back, who knows. I just want to forget him, but I know I will never be the same, I still cry almost every day, the feeling of being left behind like you didn't mean anything is devastating!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"The question is, why is he texting me?"

To see if can continue to string you along and get you to participate in his little sharade, to see if he can have his "cake and eat it, too." To see if he can use you for sex on the side. He's testing the waters.

"and bringing back all the pain he caused me."

He doesn't see it that way. He's only concerned about himself here.

"Maybe now that I haven't replied he won't come back."

I doubt that. He'll be back, trying to work his angle again.

"the feeling of being left behind like you didn't mean anything is devastating!"

This is why I don't respond to questions from women on this site that are still actively involved with married men. There's a very LOW percentage of them that actually leave their wives for their mistress.

I've seen this a hundred times and what I tell women involved with a married man is, "Someday, you will become his dirty little secret that he attempts to sweep under the rug and forget about.

I knew a man having a two year affair behind his wife's back. I know his mistress thought when he separated from his wife and she filed for divorce (notice I said SHE filed, not HIM) that he'd be with her.


He played the field for two years and just recently moved a woman into his home - that wasn't his mistress.

"it is the worst you can do for your self steem and self respect."

Very true, sweetie. Stand strong and don't ever let that be you again. You cry those tears at night and release that pain. But you don't let yourself dwell there in those thoughts. You start to visualize your new life, begin dating again, online if it's easier to meet people, and you begin to receive attention from other men. This will help you to regain your self-worth and make you feel better about yourself.

But it will be a long road to haul, it won't happen overnight. Which is why the price to pay for this is too hefty to ever risk again.

I would not respond to that last text of his, nor would I ever respond to any in the future. If you do, you risk getting sucked back in again by charm, sweet talk, guilt, manipulation and a bunch of BS.

Just steer clear of it - and him - like the plague. Because sweetie, the reality is:

If he'll cheat WITH you, he'll cheat ON you.

He's not worth it, he's not capable of loyalty and commitment and he's selfish and probably has sociopathic and/or narcissistic tendencies. You may want to read this piece so that when a good man is standing in front of you, you recognize him for what he is:


Anonymous said...

You are so right, thank you so much! I learned my lesson, and just like you said it will take a long time to heal, but I will get there somehow. I will not reply to his last text or any future ones if he tries to come back again, I deserve better.

Finding your website has been the best thing that has happened to me in a while, everything that you say is so true, I have read your articles over and over again, you have helped me more than you can imagine.

I completely agree with you when you said:

"When men misbehave and treat you badly, you need to learn to stop trying to carry the weight of a struggling relationship on your shoulders and instead get comfortable saying "no" and letting these guys live with the consequences of their decisions and bad behavior"

Ladies we deserve to be treated with respect, don't settle for less or you will regret it!

Anonymous said...

Dear lady to who had an affair with a married man,

Firstly, you may or may not take Mirror's advice. But seriously, I've not been with a married man but I have been in pain. I beg you, listen to Mirror.

And I think you will, you know why? Because you've shown after 7 days already that you've not responded. So, you are already following your instinct.

I feel your pain. I've been in pain. Trust me, it gets better in a few weeks but you may hit rock bottom first. But get there.

Because he is your pain, and you'd be making your pain worse to be in contact. Just ignore him. He will only add more things to your mind to think about if you respond. What shall I say (hours wasted on how to respond the right thing) Oh what is he going to say? and then if he doesn't respond how you want? you're back to square one, hurtin' all over again.

"the feeling of being left behind like you didn't mean anything is devastating!"

You ignore him....and soon, HE WILL be the one feeling that! Trust me ;-)

Pray, cry, ask for healing....

Ignore him. He is shit on your shoe now sister.

Anonymous said...

Hi. Your insight is awesome and very informative. I am currently dating a man who calls me twice sometimes thrice a day. I have known him for over twenty years but we only started dating four months ago. We have always been friends and i do believe that he really likes me. Recently he went overseas for three weeks. I made up my mind to give him space but did not tell him so. He gave me his entire intinery and new contact information. From the moment he was on the plane to up to two weeks into his vacation he called me or texted me the same. The last ten days of his vacation i never heard from him and it freaked me out. I called once and left a message. The moment he landed in the USA he called. I did not answer his call because i beleived that he did a disappearing act. Then i thought about the last time he went on vacation with his sisters:i hadnt heard from him in four days. But weirdly enough that episode did not freak me out as i knew that he probably was being dragged every where by his sisters! He was also with his sisters and other family members and friends on the other vacation as well. My question is: am i over reacting. In a situation such as this where it seems he is easily distracted should i play the game? At this point i still dont know the really reason why i hadnt heared from him in ten days because i have not answered his call. Should i make him wait three days or so before i return his call? The reason why i ask is because the questions that you get seem to be from women who have a high suspicion that they are being played. If i feel that there is a possiblity that im not being played and its just a distraction issue should i still play the game?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

There's a high liklihood that you're going to get the ole, "Oh, I was just busy" explanation. So I wouldn't panic.

But I will say, 10 days is a long time compared to 4. But then again, we don't know what was going on with him at that time, so it's best not to jump to any conclusions.

And I always think it's a good thing for a woman to distance herself a bit, particularly when your mind is wandering. Because when a woman communicates with a man when she's in a state of mind like that, things can go wrong.

You may never get an explanation at all and he'll just be like, "Well, hey I was busy working, you knew what I was doing" and it'll be no big deal.

So if I were you, I'd chill out for a day, get your head and your emotions in place, and then return the call and be very upbeat, "Hey, how was your trip?" And leave it at that. Don't even ask about the 10 day MIA thing. Because he's probably expecting you to do that. So throw him for a loop and don't mention it at all. I bet if you don't bring it up, he will. So wait him out on that.

I don't think it can hurt to wait a few days to return the call. I mean, if he can disappear for 10 days, I think it's perfectly acceptable to disappear for 3. Besides, during those 3 days, a few things can happen:

1) You get to feel him out a bit. You get to gauge his level of interest and see if he comes looking for you.

2) You get enough time to yourself to get your emotions under control and take a breather before you talk with him

I think it's good for men to miss a woman. It makes them realize they value you. And if he doesn't hear back right away, that means he'll be thinking about you during that time. Again, a good thing.

When a woman makes herself to readily available to a man, it tends to invite bad behavior from the man (he begins taking her for granted). So I think a little distance is a good thing for both parties involved ;-)

Anonymous said...

I would really value your thoughts on my situation as I am struggling with my self-esteem, which appears to have deserted me entirely. I am a 52 yr old libra lady from England. Always been fairly confident and a 'glass half full' kind of person.
I went through a divorce 5 years ago - a difficult time - but met a man who, after getting to know him for a few months, I thought could be the one I could happily grow old with. I know I made countless mistakes (so did he), my behaviour changed, I was becoming driven by fear and as we were both going through divorce, we were cautious. We had an on/off relationship for two years - all sorts going on, we both moved home, both lost our dads. A stressful period indeed... Fast-forward to today. We have always stayed in touch quite a bit, mostly by text. It has always been funny, flirty (occasionally went too far), but good nonetheless. He went online dating when we split up and has had a serious relationship for 18 months with a woman he met very quickly.
I see him sometimes when we are driving and he always texts me to 'catch up'. We have exchanged some texts this week as we have seen each other a few times (he always instigates the texts). He sent me a New Year's Day message too - why oh why does he want to keep me hanging on somewhere in his life?? I spoke to him last Oct and aked him not to contact me as I couldn't do the 'just friends' thing anymore, especially as we were always tempted to cross the line. He said it doesn't feel right saying goodbye to me... So here I am, upset again and the overwhelming feeling of being alone has swept over me. I am a shadow of my former self -bitter, sad and my enthusiasm for everything is fading away. It feels as if this is some kind of retribution for ending my marriage. Karma.
Part of me wants to send a text right now and tell him to leave me alone and go and 'do one' for continuing to hurt me, (I'm sure he has no idea that he has this effect). Another part of me clings to the tiny,itsy bitsy ray of hope....
The truth is, I'm not sure if it's him I've lost, or myself...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I think this situation with him is exacerbating the face that you're alone. It's reminding you of this, seeing him happy and hearing from him.

If your enthusiasm is slipping away, you need to grasp it. And what I tend to do when I feel that way is - I start to COMPLETELY change things. Things in my life, things in my home.

First of all, you should attempt online dating. Don't necessarily shoot to find Mr. Right - just shoot to get out of the house once a week to have dinner with a man and start to meet and get to know people. The attention from men will increase your self-esteem and rid you of the bitterness - it grants hope. And that will increase your enthusiasm.

And I start changing things in my home. I start throwing myself into a project, from the ground up. I empty out a room, change the paint color to something bold, and then I buy everything new. If I can't afford new furniture for the room, I buy all new accessories - wall hangings, pillows, accessories, etc.

That might sound strange to you, but you'd be amazed at how much switching things up can perk you up and increase your interest in things again. I make a project out of it and it provides a nice distraction and gives me something to look forward to and be excited about.

And when I'm finished, I get a feeling of accomplishment and pride in what I've achieved - alone.

And in your situation with him, I think it's best to be non-responsive. I know that may seem ignorant, but you're what's important here - not him. He's just a man and there are plenty more where he came from, LOL.

So if you take a few days to respond to him or you don't respond at all, I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. And if he ever questions you about it someday, you simple tell him that you did what you thought was best for yourself, you hope he understands, and you remind him that in October, you asked him not to contact you.

Cease focusing on him and start focusing on you. What do you do for yourself to make yourself happy? To treat yourself, what nice thing do you do for yourself? You need to start regularly thinking like that. Because when people are alone, male or female, because there is no one in their life to do special things and treat them special - I believe that the individuals need to learn to do that for themselves.

So pick a room to completely remodel in your home and get started immediately. Go to the salon and get your nails done, change your hair color and get a new hairstyle. Create an online profile on a dating website and activate it this weekend. Go shopping for items for your new room remodel this weekend.

That is how you ACTIVELY take CONTROL of your life and your happiness. You can't be passive about it, you have to be aggressive about it. You have to force change and then embrace it.

And maybe you have lost yourself - your old self. That's a good thing . . . because by doing the things I reference above - you can find your new self :-)

It's just the universe's way of testing us, dear. You're stronger than you think you are. So think about this concept a bit and then begin actively doing that which makes you happy.

Forget and him and begin to focus on yourself and you'll see, he will fade off into the background and the new you will emerge right before your eyes :-)

Anonymous said...

To the lady that wrote to me, thank you for your words. Believe me I will not contact him or reply to his text messages ever again. There was always a voice in my head telling me that if he was capable of doing that to his wife, he would be capable of hurting me badly and stupid me I only listened to my heart and fell in love with him. The pain is unbearable sometimes, but I have two beautiful children to live for, and for them I am trying hard to recover and move on. I am sorry you've been in pain too, it makes me sad to see the suffering of so many women for the mistreatment of ** holes who deserve nothing from us. Hang in there ladies, it will only get better if we have the strenght to say NO when someone is treating us badly!

Anonymous said...

(Continued) Hey Aphrodite!Thanks for the reply.Your writings have been a source of support for me and also a lot of determination.I did what you advise and did not contact him at all and also keeping in mind what you did tell me that if he is truly interested he will seek me out.

He did text me a couple of days back,drunk.He texted me that he finds me to be a great and amazing girl ,that we're so similar and that he really really likes me.But unfortunately he is stupidly in love and can't help (hasn't moved on from his last relationship). He did say that he was drunk. The next morning he apologized to me and promised that wouldn't behave so. We spoke a little.The next two days we spoke a little through text.Then suddenly he just stopped replying.I do not understand why does he keep doing this.This on and off behavior of his is driving me mad!I try to pick myself up and move on,but its just not happening.I don't know what to do,where to take this.I really like him but things are going nowhere!Should i just ignore him?I don't know what to do anymore,this is taking its toll on me.Please Aphrodite do advise on this.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Then suddenly he just stopped replying.I do not understand why does he keep doing this. This on and off behavior of his is driving me mad!"

When this behavior becomes a pattern with men, it's usually indicative of a player or a flake. Most times, it's a player. Players keep many women in rotation - and when your turn comes up in the rotation - they contact you.

And if a player contacts you like that and doesn't ask for a date, it means that he's sitting back, hoping you'll jump into his lap because he's phoned you. He wants YOU to do all of the work to make things happen - and to make it all as easy on him as possible.

If it's taking a toll on you, then it's time for this:

True "no contact" means exactly that - no contact - and no response - for a minimum of 30 days.

Take a break from it all, build up your strength again and take some room and time to pull back so that you can come out of the fog and better see what type of man you're dealing with.

Anonymous said...

I have a dream and determined wall in my house.
It is full of pictures of things I love, want, work for. One sign on my wall says "I WANT MORE" That's all it says.
Now out of all those 20 or more postings on my wall.
Any guy I have over seems always to mention the "I WANT MORE" poster. They read it aloud, some ask about what that means.
To them I think it means "I'll never meet her expectations, she's going to be high maintenance"
or "wow, she's a go getter"
I have many male friends. Lovely platonic relationships that are free to come and go in my life.
Some have been lovers, but that's cool, it's realized that 'aint gonna work, lets just hang.
Then there are those men who blow me off my feet, the ones that you dream on, the ones that fill your soul. They're wonderful and they love that you love them. Some of these lovely men, just love to know that. It doesn't mean their "The One" but it does allow both parties to feel good in each others presence. But...
If she needs more filling up than he requires.
She thinks, "ah.. he's gone, I'm lost.. damned how could I, how could he?"
What you may want to consider is how much real time do you require before you can part in fulfillment.
I've had guys who've required so much interaction I've had to leave my own house for hours. Only to return to "where have you been baby?"
Now most will say "needy". But in essence, their filling time was way out of sink with mine.
To find the person with the same filling time is essential. And it should be discussed.
First questions:
What do you do for a living?
What foods do you like?

Forget it
Bogus, waste of time.
Love is nothing about these things.

Ask this
How much time do you like to spend with the opposite sex?
Not what kind of time, too specific, just:
How Much Time?
And also know your own. How much man time do you want?
Whatever that time is, if its one day a week, three hours a week, or 5 days a week.
If you know YOUR time, you will find a match.
We schedule our lives around time, don't fight it.
If your dentist wants you there at 3pm it's a date.
If your boss wants you to work an extra day, it's a compromise.
If your exam is on June 12th, nothing else is going to get in your way.
So why interfere with schedules?

Not only that, it gets the 24 hour date out of the picture.
I can see you "....." you?
done. No interference, tons of respect, compromise if necessary.
Don't build your life on spontaneous combustion.
You go to work, you have a time for work. Then allow spontaneity to happen.

My sister likes to see her man once every two weeks, he good with that. They've been together for over a year.
I like my man for a full day and night and morning one day a week. They're tons of them, I have options.
She likes to have a guy for the nights and mornings, tons of them.
She likes to have a guy days and dinners, millions of them.
She likes to have a man for 3 hours a week, zillions of them.
Just define your FILL TIME and ASK ASK ASK
Don't get involved with less or more, it'll leave you with the above interference.
To create your love life, create first the TIME. If all else blends or falls apart, so be it, move along.
Time is ALL WE HAVE make it work for you.

Added note: If you jump into bed and berate yourself the next day. I have a wonderful easy solution for this. DON'T SHAVE, that's all.
If you're a hairy fairy, there's no way in hell, you're going to let him near you. He'll have to rip your cloths off and well that's a red flag.
Maybe.. LOL It works like a charm and the Sasquatch inside you will deliver you from all evil and questionable men too.

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror... I wrote to you back in January and I told you my history with a married man. He has returned 3 times after that, being the last one on Valentine's day. I have been ignoring him but I am so tempted to reply and just say "what do you want" he doesn't say he misses me or apologized for being such an a*hole. He just sends short messages that don't mean anything but are confusing me a lot. I feel like I haven't had closure, the pain isn't going away, I've tried to meet other people, but I feel this empty hole inside of me that is not letting me move on. I feel that if I at least get an explanation I will be able to put this behind me once and for all. Would it be too stupid to reply to him and try to get some closure? Please help!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

You can use your free will to do anything you like dear. But I will say...do not look to him for closure. That only comes with time. Nothing he can say to you is going to somehow magically fix this and make everything better.

If anything, it'll only tear open old wounds and you'll find yourself right back in the pain, right back to square one...when you've already come this far.

Don't look to him for a magic answer. You're not going to get it and a guy like that is well versed in lies and manipulation...he'll feed you a line...and you'll never know if it's the truth anyway.

So again, you'll be brought right back to square one. Just some food for thought dear....only you can break the cycle :-)

Anonymous said...

Having been on the receiving end of the Disappearing Act a couple of times now, I am SERIOUSLY beginning to question myself and to be honest feel like I can't trust myself to get involved at all, due to what seems to be very poor judgement of people's character!

I met a guy 3 years ago while travelling, nothing happened as he was in a relationship (which was to be fair already on its last legs), but we really hit it off and had a great time hanging out in a group of mutual friends. When I returned home, I got on with my life, didn't give it a second thought except to occasionally remember happy times on my travels. Then, out of the blue, back in November he got in touch via facebook and we have spent the last few months chatting on there, almost on a daily basis (he lives in a different part of the country) This then moved on to phone calls (instigated by him) I decided to play it cool (especially after past experience) and not to get ahead of myself and assume there was more to it that enjoying having a laugh together online, but he has been the one actively keeping it going. He first suggested visiting one another back around Christmas time and a couple of weeks ago, it came out (again instigated by him) that actually there was a lot more to our online chatting than just having a laugh as friends. At this point I told him I was a little apprehensive about meeting up in case we decided we didn't have chemistry, but he suggested we just play it by ear, treat it like friends visiting and take it from there to reassure me, but also said that as we'd already been chatting for so long that we were already half way there anyway. We agreed we'd just be honest if that was the case when we finally did meet.

As a result it was decided he was going to come and visit me last weekend. In the end we had to rearrange due to his work shifts (I can only assume that this was the truth) and he was due to come down this weekend. At the beginning of the week it was all happening and we were talking about what we might do over the weekend. He was due to arrive last night (Friday), so late on Thursday evening I noticed he was online and messaged him asking if he was all set to come over the next day, didn't receive an answer. Yesterday (friday) I texted to say "Are you still coming?", no answer and then later in the afternoon, called, no answer. Noticed him online late last night and dropped another message to say, "I'm confused". Then received a call from his phone which was hung up when I answered.... so I texted to ask why he'd just done that, no answer!!!

TOTALLY confused... he's been the one pursuing me, he's been the one talking about the future, he's been the one suggesting the meeting up and I've played it very cool... even in the couple of texts/messages last night, kept it very unemotional and to the point.

Just can't understand and feeling totally defeated.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Ugh. Well, as much as I hate to say this, this is the reality of modern day dating. I'm sorry that you've had to experience this. It's tough out there and you're not the only one experiencing this type of disrespectful, hurtful behavior.

And I'm not going to give him the benefit of the doubt here in any way. He had plenty of time to tell you he wasn't coming, yet he chose not to. He was clearly online hence he was able to communicate there as well, yet chose not to. And the phone thing, I don't even know what to think about that, but it doesn't matter because the reality is - is did nothing here to inform you that he wasn't coming.

Rude, inconsiderate and disrespectful.

So what you do now is, you don't wallow or beat yourself up. This isn't a reflection on you, it's a reflection on HIM. His flaky behavior signals a red flag and it speaks to his character as a man. A man that is unable to be considerate of you in the early stages, when he should be trying to impress you, isn't going to be a man that will be reliable later on, should a relationship develop. Which is why it pays as a woman to hang back, observe men and make them prove themselves to you (prove their level of interest) before getting too involved with them.

And I fear he may have been seeking a "easy" thing here. And that's reflected in this statement made by him:

"said that as we'd already been chatting for so long that we were already half way there anyway."

That's over confidence. I mean, who is he to assume that simply because you've been conversing well online and during a one-time face-to-face meeting - that you'll suddenly be all over him upon a second meeting? It's over confidence and entitlement. It's a man that's signaling that he has "expectations" from you. Expectations of "sexual success" with you - before this even happens.

And I imagine that because of that, even if he had shown up, I'm not sure he would've lifted a finger here for you. He talks a good talk, but then he fails to come through. A man that feels he's already "won" a woman over - is going to quickly turn into a lazy man. Meaning, he's not going to feel he needs to do anything special for the woman - because he's already got her right where he wants her - so there's no need.

So my dear - don't wallow. Instead, take control. First of all, do what I call "stick it to him." And I don't mean in a nasty way, I mean in a "learning a valuable lesson" type of way by giving him exactly what he's asked for here - which is - a consequence for his disrespectful treatment of you:


And you deliver the "consequence" by going silent on him:


And that will signal to him, "Treat me bad and you don't have access to me." In order for him to have your attention again, he needs to treat you with respect and he needs to prove himself, prove that his interest is genuine, by making repeated attempts to contact you and repair this with you.

So when/if he does contact you again - he gets NO RESPONSE. He gets the same disrespectful treatment that he gave you. And you let him make repeated attempts to contact you and you don't respond until he's ready to address the issue and says something like, "Can we talk?"

If he doesn't do any of that, then you move on. A man that is genuinely interested will seek you out. One that isn't, won't. Either way, you have your answer.

In the meantime, read up here. Read the stories being shared by other women here and realize - you're not alone. There's nothing wrong with you. This is just the sad reality of dating in the modern era - where "screening" and "filtering" is VERY necessary.

Anonymous said...

Thank yo so much... read the suggested links and feel like I am on the right track! Definitely going MIA for a while! Thanks again for your advice!

Anonymous said...

I found it quite offensive to suggest that women are worn and torn creatures, unable of complete and quick recovery, just because the men they were dating proved to be jerks!

If anything, they'll do us a favor, because we'll recognize a time waster next time!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Very sorry to see you took offense. However, if you read the stories and the feelings and emotions shared in the comments on this site...if you read what I read everyday here in the comments on this site..you'd understand that it happens to many women.

And those are the women I've written this piece for. If you've found no value in it, then the piece simply isn't meant for you, and I would have to ask...what then...has brought you to the article in the first place.

Anonymous said...

How does a man go from telling me he misses me over and over again, from telling me that he has a big soft spot for me, to disappearing on me for the second time? The first time he disappeared it devastated me. It was after a year together. Just vanished! Now this time, no intimacy, but many conversations together and now he disappears again? I am blown away and have stupidly reached out to say to him, not a disappearing act again? of course no answer. What do I do to better understand why someone would do this not once, but twice? What kind of person tells you that they miss you over and over again, that they have a big soft spot for you, to just disappearing again? Why? Why? Please help me understand this, because I really don't. I do not want to text him again because I feel pathetic, but I want to know why me? And why me again? Please she'd some light. I have written to you before and you never answered, which is fine and completely understandable, but please this time is not as bad as the first time, but it's still pretty upsetting and I don't know what to do.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"How does a man go from telling me he misses me over and over again, from telling me that he has a big soft spot for me, to disappearing on me for the second time?"

Sounds like his words are not aligning with his actions. And when that's the case, it means his words were BS and that he may have only used them to string you along :-( I'm sorry, I know that isn't what you wanted to hear.

At this point, given that this is the second time he's done this, I would have to assume that his heart isn't in this and my advice to you would be to walk away. Why do you want to be with a man that treats you this way and takes you for granted in this manner? You deserve better than that and if you accept this treatment a second time from him - you can be sure it will happen a third time.

You need to deliver consequences to him for his poor treatment of you:


And you need to stand up for yourself:


And you need to realize that a man that will treat you like this during a relationship or the early phases of one, will always treat you like this:


Because his behavior now is indicative of what his future behavior will also be like. As a result, if I were you, I'd do myself a big favor and leave him in the past so that you can make room in your future for a man that will appreciate you and treat you right.

Anonymous said...

I really do appreciate the time you took to respond. I am the writer from March 3. Everything you say is correct. Funny how I knew it but still allowed it for some sick reason. I will never understand it. Never. I will implement no contact again. Sad thing is that I was the one that broke NC after 6 months and he responded. Well he we are again. I guess congratulations to him on his game. He is up on me 2-0!

Anonymous said...

Hi, thanks for your great articles. I just "went off of a guy's rader" because he was using me, had no interest in me (other than physical stuff) and yes, I was stupid to let it go on so long. My only question is, regarding the last part of your article above where is says the guy should have given the woman a little respect by giving her a reason for the breakup before he left: Aren't I disrespecting him by going off his radar and not telling him why I'm disappearing? I'm not sure if I should send him a text and let him know why? By the way, his only form of communication is by texting, he doesn't want to get together to visit--only wants to get together for "you know what" (just to give you that bit of background). I would love to know your thoughts, because I feel kind of mean by blocking his phone number and not responding, and wonder if I should let him know why.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Aren't I disrespecting him by going off his radar and not telling him why I'm disappearing?"

Eh, not if he doesn't care honey. And it depends on what you're attempting to accomplish. If it's no contact in an effort to reignite an interest, then the "wondering" part MUST happen. It's the only way men reach the revelation that what happened was a direct result of THEIR actions - their treatment of you.

But if it's a final end, meaning you're absolutely done with him, and he expresses a desire to know why - then it might be okay to explain yourself.

But the way I look at these things is - why show someone a level of respect THEY HAVE NOT SHOW YOU?

Turnabout is fair play dear. And the definition of that is, "It is fair for one to suffer whatever one has caused others to suffer."

So if he's made you wonder, caused you suffering and left you hanging - I feel it's 100% acceptable to deliver the same in return.

And remember, women have different needs from men. I placed that at the bottom of the article because - that's what WOMEN need to move on. Men however, are not necessarily the same in that respect. They don't suffer as much emotionally from lack of respect like women do. Men do not seek the explanations and answers as much as women do.

Anonymous said...

After ignoring me for weeks... He out of the blue texts me "what up stranger" I did not respond back.. We have been together almost 4 years.. I don't know how to respond back eventually I will but right now I can't..

Anonymous said...

Wow, I wish I'd have found this website 4.5yrs ago. My ex has done the disappearing act on me many a time, everytime he finds his way back, appears remorseful for his actions and promises to be different. This has happened time and time again and I always take him back. We've spent some lovely times together but I don't seem to be enough for him, I can see how I'm mainly responsible, I've always been too available to him. Each time we break up, I ignore him and it drives him wild. We'll see if he comes back this time but I've truly had enough. He's been through some family stuff as a child and I suspect his behaviour is to push me away before I do it to him....I wouldn't have done it to him though.

Anonymous said...


Met a guy about six weeks ago. Sincw he lives in another (nearby) state, weve been on three dates. He called nearly every day and texted as well. I responded to all texts, not right away and was around to take calls maybe fifty percent of the time.

He said that I was a player lol but we got along well. He said it was a long time since hes felt this way about anyone and I was captivating etc. We met online. Anyway, one day he just stopped calling. That was about a week ago. I feel maybe I played things too close to the chest. When he said his feelings I didnt really say much about mine (that comes naturally to me.) Not sure what I did wrong. No sex was involved....


Anonymous said...

It's really hard to move on because I have this innate need to know. I've been dating this guy for about 2 months. I am nothing but caring and thoughtful. He has school and work and despite being busy, I am always supportive and understanding. I am always there for him whenever he needed me. He told me that he hasn't felt this way about a girl in a while. He told me that he likes me so much and wants to pursue something with me. We had such a great time the last time we saw each other. Then all of a sudden, he just stopped contacting me. I've made a couple of efforts to contact him but there was no response. The third time, all he said was he's been busy. I got sick and all he said was I hope you feel better. He constantly updates his FB, which means he's not dead. I just don't understand how someone can tell you all these beautiful and wonderful things and then disappear as if your presence in his life never mattered.

Anonymous said...

Confused Cancer
Hi Mirror,

YOu helped me long ago and I loved your advice. The situation is as follows- I cared for this man and we dated for about 6 months but he pulled his disappearing act at least 4 times- the last one was for for three months!!!. HE recently reappeared and texted me, I answered very cold and short so I know he is suprised by that. MY question is what is the point? Is there any possibility that he was struck by an epiphany and realizes that I am the girl for him or am I simply doomed to fall into the same trap again and his to disappear after a few days or weeks?

I nunderstand that men only do what a female allows but I cant help but wonder what gusto a man can get from breaking a woman down - theycle forms and no one wins.

Please help me as you have in the past - thank you in advance

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Confused Cancer,
After 4 disappearances dear, he doesn't even deserve a response. He barely deserves a response after ONE disappearance. After two, zero. After 4, no way.

The ONLY time you ever respond to a disappearing man's attempts at contact is if you see this, "I'm sorry, I was wrong, we need to talk. Can we talk?"

If the man provides no apology and shows no regret and does not express a desire to talk and work things out to make amends - then he gets kicked to the curb, receives no response and only hears crickets.

So to answer this, "Is there any possibility that he was struck by an epiphany and realizes that I am the girl for him or am I simply doomed to fall into the same trap again and his to disappear after a few days or weeks?"

You need to consider this:

1) Did he apologize?
2) Did he express regret?
3) Did he express a desire to have a "talk"

If the answer is no to all 3, then it's pointless and he gets no attention from you whatsoever.

"I cant help but wonder what gusto a man can get from breaking a woman down"

You're not taking male ego into consideration dear. When it comes to ego, the end result is not what's important - it's the attention received that's the focus. When a man wants an ego stroke, the best way to get it is from a woman. It's not about winning, it's about an ego stroke. The gusto is how the woman makes him feel based on her reactions when he returns. Because when a woman jumps and then showers the man with attention and affection - that's exactly what he wanted - THAT'S his gusto - making himself feel better and temporarily using you and your attention to do it.

scorned girl said...

Hi there. It's great to find articles like these so that I know what's really up with my disappearing guy.

Two years ago, we kind of felt a kind of attraction towards each other and he kept on contacting me. Like every three days, I will get a text from him. But since I started to find him to go out, he kept on refusing and was cold and distant.

The strange thing was, after his disappearance, he kept on saying how great and perfect I am to our friends. (I heard about it some time later)

I was angry and sad for half a year or so and I thought I was over him but I wasn't. I saw him again when our mutual friends had an outing. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I confessed that I liked him.

He was nice about rejecting me and all, but right after that he kept telling me about this girl he was crushing on. Basically, that's when I knew he didn't care about my feelings at all. Even though he said he did after rejecting me.

I was ready to move on, close the door on him then. But he kept on finding me via messaging and even trying get me to go out with him. I only said yes and say that we find others because I wanted to be polite. Then, just as last time, when I wanted him to follow up on whether we are really going to do things together, alas he disappears again.

He kept on staying in touch after my confession (after I said I am okay from his rejection).

I think I'm ready to move on from him. The question is, next time when he initiates something, if I say "no" then probably he will be all "hot" again. I don't want him to turn hot because that will only play with my feelings. But at the same time, I really want to let him know that I'm not going to be his "back-up" anymore.

I don't want to confront him but at the same time I don't feel like entertaining him. I just don't want things to turn ugly because we have some pretty gossipy mutual friends.

What should I do?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

You don't have to do anything dear. You cannot control the actions of others, you can only control your reaction to them.

If he turns hot on you, you can't control that. You can't stop it. You can only control how you react to it.

And if that type of attention is unwanted, then you simply ignore it and/or refuse it. That requires personal strength and you will need to summon that up within yourself.

Anonymous said...

capricorn 131!! hey i just love your advices..actually i got in touch wid an old school frn of mine (taurean)..he was d one who took m num,constntly used to text, we caught a couple of times..texting was on contantly day in, day out..he used to insist on meeting regularly, bt i used to decline cz i dint wanna hurry things up..then suddenly he withdrew no matter hw curious i was, i took your advice n waited..n bam he struck almost after a month..den again d same game, bt i dint go on a date..again he withdrew, then i texted once, bt kinda figured he was all pricy, n waiting for me to make a move so i withdrew..der a was gap of 15days n again d same game..den out of d blew he invited me to a family dinner, bt i dint go cz i was pissed. after which,dono y bt i felt guilty so i texted once to find out hw d party went n conversatiion was awesome..den again a gap, den i figured he fell sick n enquired..can u temme wher is all dis going? bt der is immense attraction, i feel so physically drawn to him, he is so flirtatious n his subtle moves..bt yea i got advice on when n how to text men rite, so i always kept it very subtle n minimal..so wat do i do? wats his next move?

Anonymous said...

capricorn 131, he also took me to meet his frns, widout any hint abt it..man, i kno he is playing a mind game bt i feel so drawn towards him.

Maia said...


I want some advice. There is this guy who asked me out several times before. When he first asked me out, I said we can't have dinner since i was quite busy. He then drove to my place to just talk for a few minutes. (BTW, he lives near my place). He then told me he's coming by my place again the next day but he stood me up. After some time, he chatted me and asked if we could have coffee. I told him I thought he's not interested because he stood me up. He said he's still interested. That date though didn't push through because I had to be somewhere by the time he arrives from work. Then he disappeared again, no text, no chat. Then he invited me again to dinner. I said I'm already eating my dinner so he just went to my place to chitchat. And now he's gone again. Should I ask him out? I think he got tired from asking me out. Haha. However, most of the time I said no to the dinner because I have the feeling I'm just his last resort. He doesn't make plans with me. he just asks me if I want dinner right there and then. So i really don't know if he's just bored and no date that's why he asked me out. That and the fact that he stood me up before and he didn't even say sorry.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"most of the time I said no to the dinner because I have the feeling I'm just his last resort. He doesn't make plans with me. he just asks me if I want dinner right there and then. So i really don't know if he's just bored and no date that's why he asked me out. That and the fact that he stood me up before and he didn't even say sorry."

That's a bit of a red flag dear. He's not being mindful or respectful of your time and he's attempting to have things HIS way, what's convenient to HIM, without any thought as to what is or isn't convenient to you. He should be making date arrangements in advance and if he isn't and he's a "last minute" kinda guy, that's not a good sign. And if you go along with that, it'll always be that was and he'll quickly end up taking you for granted.

If this is meant to be, it will be. He needs to understand that people are not going to be available to him at his beck and call. And if he doesn't understand that, then he's simply being selfish and unreasonable.

I would not ask this man out. He's already behaving selfishly and bordering on taking you for granted before this even gets off the ground. If you ask him out, it won't get any better, it'll get worse.

Anonymous said...

Just want you all to know that this discussion is great. I'm in the middle of a "disappearance"; we had 6 wonderful months and then he started giving the signs...fewer calls and texts...work taking priority over planned time together...the occasional snarky comment indicating "i'm not thinking about you right now". Too bad I hadn't read any of this stuff before, so for a week I pressed him with all the dumb questions: "What's wrong?" "Why won't you communicate with me?" etc. DUMB. A few days of heartache later, now I'm just pissed off, in blackout mode, and realizing what an idiot he is for screwing up something that was so great. If the return happens, he's in for a shitstorm. Is he man enough to handle it? I doubt it.

Heidi said...

@ Anonymous 9:07 AM,
I hear ya. I commented for the first time on here last Friday under the No Contact feed. I'm in the same exact situation you are in and also in pissed off/blackout mode:). On the bright side, I've been working out everyday and not wasting too much time wondering what when wrong.

Carlinha said...

Wow, this is just amazing. Almost a year later and you're still getting replies to this. I really meant to read all the commentaries (maybe learn something with them), but I don't have the time. As you can probably guess I'm just going through the same thing and even though this is my first time, it's not the first time a guy treats me less than respectfully (you know the usual lying, cheating...). The thing is I have been mistreated so much, I've had a really hard time going out on the battlefield now.

But back to the article (beautifully written btw, kuddos, girl), two things come to my attention. First when you talk about the knightly actions and respecting yourself and what someone said about red flags. What if you've respected yourself and still it happens?

So here is where I tell my story, and bear with me here 'cause I need to share. So if you don't wanna read, please feel free to jump this huge paragraph. I'll really not take offence. Well, since I've had so many bad experiences, I do put myself first and treat myself with respect. I've learned to be self sufficient and not bend to the pressure of men. When I got involved with this guy, I wasn't looking for a long term relationship, a guy to marry or anything like that. I just wanted someone to have a good time with, good company, someone to cuddle with, and he was perfect. Just to be sure I did wait four dates to sleep with him and he did nothing but treat me respectfully even if emotionally he was a bit distant, but I was fine with that. He is a guy after all.
Two months later (three months we've started going out total, about four months we've known each other), he is the one to start talking about doing more than just sex and texting me everyday to just talk. And then suddenly one night, the one night we go out on a real date after a while, he becomes cold and distant. The next day I text him and that's it. Dead silence. Now, I'm not the kind of lady to keep texting and calling, but given my history it is really hard for me to not question if I'm the problem. Part of me believes he met someone else, another thinks he got scared because things started getting deeper. But a lot of times I ask myself if I'm this horrible of a woman that he won't even have the decency to text me and say 'hey I need some time' (aka 'hey I wanna break up but I don't have the heart to say it to your face'). It's just shocking to me how things changed so quickly.

Now tell me, what kind of red flags could I have seen?

On another note, you all talk a great talk about cut your losses and move on, you're better off. But when you're really attracted to somebody, or in love with somebody that's kinda hard. That's where the problems with the ladies start, when we are in love it becomes too easy to file away all the bad stuff those jerks do and give them a second chance.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"What if you've respected yourself and still it happens?"

Well, I'm not sure that's possible dear. I'm not sure it's possible to respect yourself - yet still be with the man. Because if a man is treating you poorly and you truly do respect yourself. . .you wouldn't stick around for that type of treatment - you'd walk.


"what kind of red flags could I have seen?"

Well, the big one that jumps out at me is this:

"even if emotionally he was a bit distant"

You can't justify that by assuming that's happening just because he's a man. When anyone, man or woman, becomes intimate with someone (sex) and is showing signs of emotional distance, it signals that they are either not "into" this (feeling anything) and/or that they are simply just emotionally unavailable individuals.

"They pursue hard, shower you with attention and lay it on thick with a trowel in order to reel you in, but from the moment that you are hooked and things get comfortable, he backs off."

"You think you’re in a relationship, but it’s closer to a booty call". . ."the one night we go out on a real date after a while"

"You’re not sure when you’ll hear from the next, even though you’ve been dating them for a while". . ."The next day I text him and that's it. Dead silence."

"It feels like he blows hot and cold". . ."he becomes cold and distant"


Based on his recent behavior dear, I'd have to say that the problem isn't you. I'm more apt to say that he's an emotionally unavailable man. He may not exhibit every single symptom that those type of men can exhibit, but he IS exhibiting several of them which means there's a very high likelihood.

Carlinha said...

Thanks a lot for replying sweetie. I just cannot get over the abrupt change. But yeah, I know he is an emotionally unavailable man, what I didn't think was that he was such a coward. I hope I have better luck next time.

Anonymous said...


Just wanted to say I was in what I thought was a relationship but I guess I was wrong. We were together only about 5 months when he started communicating less and less. Then I was the one doing all the initiating but he would always respond nicely, I did feel a change....
Then Saturday 07/20 to be exact I texted him just good morning =) and never heard back. I knew he was alive because I did stalk him on a website where I can see him without him seen me. Also on that website he had access to posts and pictures of me which funnily enough I decided to revoke last Tuesday. Shortly after that I get a text from him "Hi Sexy, how are you?", amazing how clueless he is or thinks I'm. Obviously it has been 23 days since I heard from him, how does he think I'm? So I didn't reply, then 1 hour later another text "You are not happy with me...."
Seriously??? He thinks he can be hot and cold and use me apparently as an option and I would be happy with that?

Remember clearly when we started our relationship I was upset when I didn't hear from him for more than a couple of days. His response to that was that he didn't think we needed to be in touch daily. I was ok with that because I didn't want to act needy but he obviously knew that it bothered me then. Now fast forwarding 4 months he wonders if I'm not happy with him? I didn't respond to that either.
It had gotten to where he didn't text for a couple of weeks and I still allowed that. Which is probably why he thought he could just disappear for almost a month.
The funny thing is that I never got pissed off or told him off or even texted him after he didn't text back that one time.

Did think about it and wrote like three emails which I saved as "drafts" in my Hotmail account but never sent one. Also did think about sending one last night before I got the text. Almost regret having "revoked" him on that website because now he knows I'm alive and that I cared enough to do that. Rather have him think I don't give a damn anymore...

I had started to get over him actually and deleted the thread of his texts also last night before I heard from him.
Now I'm not sure what I want. He still didn't apologize or give me a good reason why he stopped contacting me. I think I will hang on and see how I feel in a couple of days. If I don't hear from him again then good riddance I suppose.....?

Ahhhh, he texted again Wednesday morning just "Baby..." like really !!!

Lastly he texted a sad face.

Help!!! I wanted to be strong and just wait for at least a freaking apology or damn explanation...

Was able to wait 5 days because I don't want to give him up and on Sunday followed your advise. Just texted him "Hi, how r u? It was nice to hear frm u. I hope things are going well. Have been very busy lately. We'll have to get together sometime.... Have a great day!! TTYL"

9 minutes later he replied

Hi sweetie, I'm glad you wrote back. I have also been busy traveling a lot for work and with family stuff. Let's try to get caught up soon. MUAH!!

I didn't reply and don't think I should unless he apologizes or explains. Maybe if he would even tries to make plans to see me....


If I don't hear from him by tomorrow I think I'm just going to cut him loose.
It has now been 3 days since he replied.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous August 21, 10:30PM,
I agree, unfortunately, it's time to release this one. Five months into dating - you should be getting CLOSER. If instead, he's distancing himself, then this is going nowhere and it's time to see that and then proceed accordingly.

And as you can see, he CLEARLY knows full well what he's done and is doing here, so don't cut him any slack or make any excuses for him. He's coming around right now testing the waters. If he can get back into your good graces here, that's what he'll do - and that will signal to him that he can begin to do this regularly in the future.

Clearly, you do NOT want to send him that type of a signal or message here. As a result, he's left you with no choice but to walk away from him. And that means cut all ties, no contact, no response. In the end, it's what's best for YOU. It will help you to heal, detach and move forward. Besides, based on his actions here, he doesn't deserve anything more than that as he's been incredibly disrespectful.

So I'd leave, not say a word and not respond to any of his contacts - and I'd let that sit with him. Let that weigh on his mind, that he treated you so poorly he destroyed everything single handedly. Women don't think that stuff weighs on a man's mind, but it does, don't let them fool you. Your silence and unavailability bothers them much more than you think.

In the book, "The Manual: A True Bad Boy Explains How Men Think, Date, and Mate--and What Women Can Do to Come Out on Top" by so-called reformed bad boy, Steve Satagati - he even advises that women should leave in silence and without explanation when men treat you poorly or break up with you disrespectfully. If I remember correctly, a woman had done that to him once and to his surprise (he didn't think he really liked her). . .this ate away at him. Having experienced it himself, he now advises that for those that have disrespected you (broken up with you by "disappearing").

Unfortunately, it's time to dish out a dose of his own medicine to him dear. Stand strong and when you want to buckle, just think of all the poor treatment, improper things and painful nights this man has caused you - and it will be much easier.

Anonymous said...


MOA, Thank you so much for your quick reply.
You are so helpful to so many and it really makes a difference in people's lives and I hope that you are aware of that.

I have read most of your posts because this guy is a Taurus and the things you say have really enlightened me. The threads that follow what you write are amazing and all of the advise you give is on the money.

I will follow your advise and cut him loose.
Even though I still miss him terribly... when things were good they were so good.
He made me feel so good and special(which now I know is something I should be doing for myself) regardless I opened myself up to him not just emotionally but sexually. That is something I haven't done in past relationships, maybe that was the problem it became so openly sexual but I trusted that was just a part of what we had.

I'm worried because nobody has made me feel the way he has made me feel and been that I'm already 40 that is saying a lot. I don't think I'll ever find that again =(

However now I'm crushed and hurt and now he just brings me pain so it I understand that is time to move on.

You are the best and thank you again...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Your attraction to this man that you feel right now may not be real dear. Well, let me correct that. It may be real - but it may not be an attraction. It may be an "emotional attachment." Many women experience an emotional attachment at least once in their life and it feels intense, but it's actually not healthy.

And players are very well versed in creating this type of an attachment in women. They use what is referred to as "short term strategies." These strategies have a psychological effect that create a strong "attachment" (that cloaks and disguises itself as an intense "attraction").

The use of these short term strategies heavily involves "timing" - so that they can "set the hook" in women. Think of it as fishing. You cast and reel several times, dangling the bait. Once you get a bite, you PULL BACK HARD on the bait and you hook the fish - then you slowly reel them in.

Here is Dr. Wendy Walsh, author of the book, 30 Day Love Detox (which I highly recommend reading by the way) explaining the psychological process that "bad boys" use to create emotional attachment (and bad boys don't always look like tattooed bad boys, they can look like gentleman, but it's the strategies they use that quantifies them as bad boys)

I strongly suggest you watch this short video clip as I think this explanation may help you to understand the reality of what may have possibly happened here:


Anonymous said...

This was amazing. Thanks so much for writing this. It definitely rings true in every aspect.

Anonymous said...

Hello I'm 25yrs old woman..I met a guy who addressed me two months ago an hes 21 were both capricorns too..and i thought he was mature..we jus slept together a few days ago and he tells me after the fact..that hes really still in love with his kids mother. I kinda felt that he still was but I ignored the 2red flag(far as him looking sad when I mentioned her once before),because he made it seem like he was really into me at the same time..he did everything I asked for,hung out quite a bit,very helpful a real gentleman,fun to be around..DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING AT ALL..but we haven't spoken since thursday(aftr we had sex an broke things off that's morning after)..we talkd about it the day of the break-off an he even apologized an asked me to FORGIVE HIM, but he jus cant loose his kids mother again..theyve been on and off..an that he really does like me, loves my friendship and that I'm great to be around..its jus somethng he had to do..an I'm tryn not to be upset because he was honest and beyond confused as well and I say that because the nite we slept together he's telln me he wants to see where we go than that very morning he tells me how he really felt about us and hw he CANT be with me bcause he still love her an my own personal health reason...I guess it was better early on rather than later down the road..I'm mad at myself for letn things go that far rather than paying attention and not sayn NO to sex!!..I trusted him because I told him somethng very personal an I thought he was ok wit it,which is why I gav in to the whole sex(which was only 1 time)..So I jus need to kno what I should to let him go and except what happen and move forward??? And how do I go about moviing foward???..HELP!!!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous September 1, 2:43PM,
Honey, it's not really possible for me to teach you coping skills in a blog comment. You have to cope with the loss to move forward, and in order to do that, you need to rely on your coping skills.

Here is a test you can take that delves into your coping skills and highlights areas where you do well and areas where you may need more focus when coping with high levels of stress:


Take the test and see how you do. And then research positive coping skills (on the Internet) for the areas that you need more work on. There are many lists out there where you will find positive coping skills listed and also negative coping skills highlighted as well, so that you make sure you're not employing those.

In the meantime, some of the biggest factors in building positive coping skills are:

1) a support network of friends/family (so you can get out of your head at times)
2) exercise (burning off anxiety in healthy ways)
3) meditation (relaxation skills, relaxing the mind)
4) positive reinforcement (new clothes, new hair color, new hair style - whatever reinforces you feeling good about yourself)

Those are all good places to start dear :-)

Unknown said...

I met a man in another state than the one I reside. He's 42, I'm 47.We are both married,but separated.I went to bed with him too soon.He has never taken me to dinner, took me for a walk along the beach. Calls himself a product of the streets. I am a professional college educated woman. This man has degraded me to my family and friends. The only knightly duty done was giving me a couple of hundred dollars to pay a bill. Although I drive approximately 2- hours to see him, he oftentimes make himself unavailable. He called me at 3am on Friday.I answered the call and was insulted and demeaned. He does not care about hurting my feelings. He says I'll get over it. BY FRIDAY AFTERNOON I HAD CHANGED.30- day rule is in effect!

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,
I've read a lot of your articles with great interest. Thanks for sharing your perspectives on relationships! I couldn't find anything about clingy/ dependant/ independent woman, and I have been thinking a lot about it lately.
I recently caught up with an ex (we had broken up 2 years ago) who was dumped by his girlfriend a few months ago. He told me the following about her: 'we first slept together, and i called her three months later', 'we were in a long distance relationship', 'she left me four times, and each time I had to beg her to get her back', 'she told me that there's love and there's practical stuff', and also that he still does love her. I was like WTF??!! What strikes me is that she didnt seem to care. She had her life, living far away from him, more worried by practical stuff. And he seemed to like it!
With regard to our story, I attracted him by letting him text me, chase me. That's how we got together (and it was fun). But then after a while, I couldn't play the girl who was not interested. I mean we were not calling each other on a daily basis because we both hated that. Some evenings he would just hang around with his friends and it was all fine with me. But quite often when I would do something for him and he would thank me, I would ask him: 'you need me to take care of you, don't you?' And he would reply 'no I don't'. This saddened me. That was not the reason of our break up. however this notion of needing your partner bothers me. Is there not a minimum of 'needing' in a relationship? For sure being completely needy and dependent is toxic. when you are in relationship do you not need your partner to bring something to your life? I think the line between expectations and need is quite thin. Or maybe there are different ways to love. I'm definitely very caring, and I think I'd need my partner to like that (or maybe it's not that I need but that I'd like... Hahaha, I'm not sure).
Anyway I'd like to have your opinions on this, Mirror :) oh and also what does 'there's love and there's practical stuff' mean? It's tough...
Thanks mirror!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous September 23, 3:46PM,
"I couldn't play the girl who was not interested"

It's not about being the girl who isn't interested, it's about being the girl that isn't needy and co-dependent, but rather confident and independent. Men are VERY attracted to confidence and independence. A woman who is insecure (questions things and experiences self-doubt often) and needy (clingy, probing, worried, anxious) will scare a man off.

This is because men do NOT want a woman to wrap her entire life around them. And the reason for that is, it's too much pressure and expectation on them - knowing that every little thing they say, every little thing they do, every little decision they make - will directly affect the woman, because HE is her WHOLE life and she has no outside interests, friends, hobbies, etc. to keep her healthy and independent.

Men enjoy sport and competition and there's a reason for that - CHALLENGE. A woman that basically makes her entire life wrap around her man, is no longer a challenge. Dating her is no longer fun for the man because he actually enjoys a challenge and a bit of a "push back" from the woman in his life and it keeps him excited, engaged and interested. When a woman simply rolls over and devotes her life to her man, she is no longer a challenge and the man disengages and looses interest.

This analogy was used in the book, Why Men Love Bitches. Imagine a man that enjoys hunting. Now imagine leading a dear to his doorway on a leash and letting him shoot it. Not very exciting.

Instead, imagine the man is in his tree stand for hours waiting for the dear. He sees it and takes his shot. He misses. He tracks the dear and locates it again, he shoots and hits it, but it doesn't drop, instead it runs. So the man gives chase, tracking the dear another half mile before locating it again and landing the final death blow. Very exciting to the man and a story that he will be telling his friends for many years to come.

See the difference? Predictable and compliant = no challenge, boring. Unpredictable and stubborn = challenge, very exciting.

"you need me to take care of you, don't you?"

A better question might be. . .do YOU need someone to NEED YOU?

"when you are in relationship do you not need your partner to bring something to your life?"

Actually no dear, not necessarily. A healthy pairing consists of two "whole" individuals that come together as a couple and through that, they ADD to the enjoyment of one another's life. In otherwords, your partner should only ADD to your happiness - they should not BE your happiness. You should be happy and whole as an individual BEFORE pairing as a couple. And instead of bringing need into the equation (need is co-dependence), they actually fill each others gaps and weaknesses. Meaning, they don't "need" the other individual, however, they are not a great communicator and their partner is. So the partner provides a strength where the other has a weakness - neither really "need' this to be "whole" - but the addition of this ADDS to their overall being.

"what does "there's love and there's practical stuff' mean?"

To me, it means that she probably was trying to tell him that to her, love (relationships) had it's place - but so did LIFE and practical matters. Meaning, she was explaining to him that love (relationships) is one thing, life is another - and she wasn't going to make "love" (relationships) her top priority over "life." It signals to me that she kept it all in perspective and reached the conclusion that love (relationships) was important, but that it wasn't the "end all, be all" in life to her (she liked doing her own thing as well).

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much Mirror. I think I understand what you mean by 'adding on' :)
I don't know if I need a man to need me. But I like taking care of people. Probably I'm ruled by some I securities and I'm scared of being useless. I know that very well.

So again about this 'there's love and there's practical stuff': Does choosing love over life makes you a needy woman? It's just that that woman rejected him and he seemed to be in admiration with her decision. I found it quite surprising.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous September 23, 5:41PM,
"Does choosing love over life makes you a needy woman?"

I don't think you should give greater priority to love than you do to your own life and existence. YOU come first, YOUR happiness. After that, the rest falls into place.

However, if you make someone ELSE more important than YOURSELF (besides children), then I think that can lead to problems and yes, be viewed as needy in a sense.

You should always be the most important thing in your life, even with children and family. Because if YOU are not well or well taken care of by yourself, then you cannot care for others properly. In order to care for others properly, you must take good care of yourself first :-)

Anonymous said...

Hey there!

First thank you so much for the time you take to give a response!

I came to the point where i really really need advice, because i dont understand this guy anymore, and i cry just every single day.

We met in 2011. He first flirted with me, then i flirted back, because i was attracted to him. So for like 2 month we were flirting all the time, talking every single day, and finally we met in real (because it was through internet) and it was the most amazing 3 days ever! it was sooo romantic. he told me he didnt want a girlfriend (and he told so to his friends, and it was on his fb profile aswell), and he acted opposite, we were really behaving like a couple. then i had to go back to my country, (yeah, we were in different countries, from europe, but not that far) and i cried so much because i was far away from him. we were still talking every night, and a month after, suddenly, he stopped contacting me. i got so sad, and then, he came back for my birthday a year after, and tried to contact me 5 times, before i asnswered. he apologised and said he got a girlfriend( who he is still with since a bit more than a year) and that unfortunately it would never have worked because we were from different countries. but then, he flirted with me again, for like (now it will be 10 month more or less, we are flirting, and stuff) and i know its not nice to his girlfriend, but i really really want him : ( he said he was missing me, and he wanted me to come back to his country and stuff... which i did. so its been 10 days i arrived, and i still havent seen him and its weird, because he was counting th days, always talking to me first, say we would do this and that... he had asked me last wednesday if we could see each other the day i arrived, so i said yes, and so the day i arrived, he texted me asking if i was arrived and was fine, i said yes and asked where we would meet and he said he had to go and drink with his colleague and would let me know. He didnt, and apologised the next morning. then on tuesday he asked to see me wednesday, and said he would text me, and then, he didnt show up again. i received a message a bit later to ask if i had received any texts from him, but i didnt!. and then, he apologised once again, and said he had problems with money (but then how come he can drink with his friends) and said we would meet once he received his pay. sooo I dont know what to think of this. I know he really does fancy me,(well physically at least,) but again, i dont understand his behaviour, he said we would do many stuff, he was chasing me, and is asking how my day is going and on and on... i just want to see him once again after 2 years!!!! i just miss him, and i cry every single day because of this.I've been wishing this for 2 years now, I just want and need to see him and see what's gonna happen, or whats not, because we couldnt be together because of the distance, but now, im there, im like, maybe its gonna do. i dont understand him at all. its like, one day he cares, the other he doesnt, or he chickens out... please help : ( i thank you all to have read my loooong story! I just dont know what to do, because when the heart is speaking... the mind wont follow.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 28, 9:18 AM,
"i really really want him"

I'm always a bit troubled when I hear women desperately wanting men who treated them poorly, took them for granted and/or chose another woman over them. Why dear, do you desperately want to be with a man that willingly chose another woman over you??

"he said he was missing me, and he wanted me to come back to his country and stuff... which i did. so its been 10 days i arrived, and i still haven't seen him"

Honey, NEVER do that. NEVER go running to a man that hasn't proved himself to you and isn't willing to come see YOU first. As a woman, never let a man snap his fingers and summon you to him.

And why on earth are you running to a man, and wishing for a man, that currently has a girlfriend? If he's treating his current girlfriend disrespectfully by summoning another woman to fly out and see him - then why on earth would you WISH for this man to be YOURS? Do you want a problem such as a cheating boyfriend, like his poor girlfriend has on her hands right now?

"I know he really does fancy me"

Honey, I don't mean to be rude here and I don't want to hurt you. But in order to help you, I have to say this. I don't think he fancies you. If he did, he would have broken up with his girlfriend for you. He would have come to see you this time. He would be taking you out on dates. He would not be blowing you off. His actions would align with his words (and when a man's actions do NOT align with his words, it's a BIG red flag dear.)

"i cry every single day because of this. I've been wishing this for 2 years now"

That's very troubling to me dear. It's very troubling to me that you're putting yourself out there like this for a man that's currently got a girlfriend already and that has treated you poorly in the past and is treating you HORRIBLY right now. Why do you wish this for yourself dear? Why do you wish so badly to be with a man that treats you so very poorly?

"its like, one day he cares, the other he doesnt"

No dear. It's like one day he SAYS (words) he cares, the other he SHOWS (actions) he doesn't :-(

Always only pay attention to a man's actions dear, and ignore his words. It's his actions that signal his interest (or lack thereof).

"just dont know what to do, because when the heart is speaking... the mind wont follow."

That's not true dear. You're acting as if you're helpless here and have no control, when the reality is that self-discipline and confidence is needed here in order to protect yourself properly. You DO have control over the heart. Yes, you will experience pain and you will grieve that - but it won't kill you, it'll only make you stronger.

It's hard to walk away from people we care about. But sometimes, it's VERY necessary in order to protect oneself. And that is true strength dear. When you have the power to walk away. I've walked away from people I've cared for and loved. It was hard, but I'm still here. . .and I'm stronger for it :-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 28, 9:18 AM,
One last thought. . .read through your comment again dear. Because I want you to notice how your words reflect that your ENTIRE HAPPINESS is completely 100% DEPENDENT on this man right now.

That's not good dear - it's co-dependency.

You want to turn that around and become INDEPENDENT. You want to find your happiness in YOURSELF, not in a MAN. Your happiness doesn't come from a man dear, it comes from within you. You cannot look to a man to make you whole or happy. If you want a healthy relationship, you have to come into it already whole and happy.

If you enter into a relationship with heavy "needs" - you will never find happiness dear, as your desperation to find happiness in others - will never be met with actually finding that.

You will ALWAYS only EVER have yourself to rely on in this life dear - and people will always disappoint you, even people you love. But if you have a healthy sense of independence and a good set of personal coping skills to deal with the ups and downs that life, love and relationships throws at you - you'll always be on the right path :-)

Anonymous said...

Hello !

First thank you very very much for the time you spared to reply to me thank you! :)

Well, i said he was fancying me because, when we met, two years ago, he was running after me, chasing me, and when we flirted he really really was into me (i was mainly saying, that physically he thought i was pretty). We were actually behaving like a couple. he was at the time, taking me on dates, and everything... but since, because i had to go back to my country, i feel like, i didnt have the chance to be with him, because of the distance.i feel like, the story isnt over, since he came back to wish me a happy birthday. Since those 2 years, he has changed.... i don't see why he has to string me along to be honnest. and also, why would he keep me for 2 almost 3 years... i agree with you, he doesn't respect his girlfriend though. why staying with a girl if he keeps coming back to me, it's just stupid of him. i dont understand why he needs to ask me on dates, and dont follow through, why he's speaking to me, counting the days and all... i just don't see at all, reasons for it. Actually he's the only one i have ever loved, because i have never had anyone else :/ I dont get why he has changed. and i feel like he just doesnt love neither of us. but himself ...

Anonymous said...

Oh and i forgot to ask, sorry, but when you say he's cheating, do you consider flirting on skype (well, ok a bit more than just "words" without entering into details) cheating? (so not physically) ? thank you again for taking your time!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous September 29, 4:52PM,
Yes, I consider that cheating dear - it's "betrayal" to his girlfriend. No matter how you slice it, he's betrayed her trust.

And if it's not a physical affair, it's generally referred to as an emotional affair.

Nancy Parker said...

Hello Mirror,

So I've been friends with this guy, we will call him A. We met at a wedding few months ago and been friends ever since. He flirts with me a lot back then but I just laugh it off everytime because I was into someone else that time and felt it was not nice to lead him on. So I speak to him and laugh around as friends do. Months went by, we r still in touch but a little lesser. Recently he admitted to me that he was crushing on someone but didn't work out because the girl wasn't ready to settle down. Now I told him the same, the guy I was into finally said he wasn't ready to settle down too, so we r currently just friends. It's the same scene with him, he just remained friends with the girl he was crushing on, we told each other we were kinda over them.

Now after that, we kept in touch more often for like a month and actually flirt a lot with one another aside from all the fun friendly talk. But he has this one habit that kind of annoys me, everytime I would text him and say hi, he doesn't get back to me for like 3-5 days. But when he comes up to me, he will say sorry got busy with work or whatever, and we will talk properly after that. He is often the one to text first though. Then again the next time I say hi to him, it's the same pattern. Because it has happened a few times, I brought that up in our conversation recently. I teased him about it and said 'everytime I say to you , you always say you were busy.' He got very pissed and explained how it's a busy time of the year for him n he doesn't like his employees to see him texting n all that. So I casually apologized and told him I'm sorry if I pissed u off and for misunderstanding. He said 'no worries'. Then I didn't hear from him for 3 days and I thought maybe I didn't sound genuine enough, so I texted him again and said I'm sorry. He just smiled n said ill text you later. It's been over a week now that he went MIA. Our usual period of talking is once in two or three days.

I can see him liking other peoples pictures on Instagram and Facebook. And it's pissing me off. Three days ago he sent me a picture on snapchat and I ignored that. I'm quite angry because I've made an effort to apologize and can't he take just a couple of minutes to talk to me properly n at least I would know he is okay. Am I wrong in anyway ? What do I do now ? I personally feel like ignoring him completely but I don't know if that's a good move ? Could you please advise me. I really like him and what worries me is maybe he is back to trying to charm that previous girl he was crushing on ? Or it's just me being negative I don't know, I definitely don't feel good.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well, now I'm a bit confused, LOL. You stated that "He is often the one to text first though." But then you go on to say:

"I would text him and say hi"

"Then again the next time I say hi to him"

"I texted him again and said I'm sorry"

The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested dear, is to see if HE pursues YOU. When you chase a man, initiate contact with him, and attempt to keep yourself on his radar for fear he'll forget you exist if you don't, that backfires. Men generally do not like to be pursued by women. Players do because it makes it easy on them. But true gentlemen - prefer to be the man, the leader, the initiator. It's their natural role, man leads, woman submits. And when a woman flip flops those roles, it almost always causes the man to pull back.

Add to that, "I brought that up in our conversation recently" and it only causes him to further distance himself. Because you're not in a committed relationship, but you're behavior is signaling to him that you're somewhat viewing yourself as his girlfriend in a sense. By questioning, initiating communication, asking what's wrong, etc. It's "pressuring" more or less and men pull away from that. When a man feels like he has to begin "answering" to a woman that he's not in a relationship with, he'll pull back and begin to distance himself from your attempts to control the situation and nudge things along.

And I hate to say this dear, but it also signals insecurity. It signals that you're trapped in fear, worry and anxiety over this, instead of hanging back, being carefree, fun and playing it cool. It signals that you feel that if you don't remind him you exist, he'll forget about you. And if you honestly feel that could happen, then why wish to be with a man like that, ya' know? Why wish for a man that really isn't making you a priority?

I think he senses that you're attempting to "make something happen" here and he's distancing himself from that.

"can't he take just a couple of minutes to talk to me properly n at least I would know he is okay"

He's fine dear. He doesn't have to let you know he's okay, because he doesn't have to answer to you. I'm sorry, I know that isn't what you want to hear. But the reality here is that you're not in a relationship and he doesn't have to explain himself to you, and you can't demand or expect him to do that.

When a guy does this, instead of focusing on the man and what he isn't doing, instead, focus on yourself and what you're doing. What do you need to make you happy from a man? If he's not giving you that or this isn't moving along as you'd hoped, you don't beat your head attempting to place yourself on the man's radar and/or get him to answer to you, explain himself to you and change. You can't change someone, you can't make them love you and you can't make them want to date you or be in a relationship with you.

But what you can do - is remove yourself from the situation.

If this isn't making you happy, if he's not making you happy, if it isn't going as you'd planned and nothing is happening here - then you cease the connection and you remove yourself from the situation. You keep moving forward and you continue dating other men. He knows where to find you. If he wants you, he'll catch up. If he doesn't, that's fine, you leave him in your dust.

He has no bearing on your future. Your destiny belongs to you, it is not dependent on a man. So you keep living your life, dating and doing the things you love and that make you happy and you forget about him.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"What do I do now?"

Regarding him, you don't "do" anything. Doing things is kinda what brought this on, and it's only backfiring, so cease "doing" anything. If he wants you, he knows where to find you. I think detaching from him emotionally here would do you good. And to do that, you go into no contact, no response, for at least 30 days. You ignore any and all attempts at contact and engagement for 30 days to get clear again and gain perspective:


"what worries me is maybe he is back to trying to charm that previous girl he was crushing on"

But why does that worry you? He's not your boyfriend, you're not dating, so what he does has no bearing on you. I realize it's disappointing if you wanted something to happen here, but the reality is that we have no control over others. We can't make others care for us. He's your friend at this point, that's it, nothing more. Would you worry over another male friend charming someone or say, a girlfriend, charming someone? Would you worry like this about your other friends? Probably not - because you're not emotionally attached to your other friends and you haven't placed any "expectations" upon them.

In order to detach emotionally dear, you have to cease contact, pull back and gain clarity so that you feel better and release yourself from the fantasy of "what if" and instead deal with the reality of "what is." I know that sucks, but you have to accept that you've got no control over him and what he does. You've only got control over how you react to him and what he does. And when there's over-reaction, things only get worse.

I think once you accept this dear, once you accept that you cannot control him or this situation, you'll feel better. Because what's causing you your angst and anxiety right now, is the fact that you're attempting to control this in some manner and nudge things along so that something happens here. Cease doing that, cease expecting that - and things will get better, you'll see :-)

Nancy Parker said...

Hey mirror, thanks so much for your response. Okay what I meant by the whole texting thing is usually he texts me first. I would only initiate contact after a couple of conversations where he initiates. Now every time I initiate, which is hardly, he never responds for around 3 or 4 days and gets back to me with the I'm busy reason but then speaks to me properly.

I understand what you're saying. I realize it's my fault in a way but I also sort of sense that he is avoiding me at the moment. I will do what you say and I have not been in contacts with him since the time I apologized to him. Now my question is if he gets in touch with me, should I not respond at all? My birthday is in a few days, and he may or may not wish me I'm not sure.

You're right, I am pretty insecured because I haven't had the best experiences in my previous relationships and it's wrong of me to project that on other people. This one just seemed so good that I I wish for it to work out.

Anonymous said...

I have a situation my boyfriend of 13 years left me no reason just decided he wanted to leave our relationship. The beginning of august we lost our home and had to move sence we were not married we could not stay together so my son and i moved in with my mother. We were doing ok not good just living i am going through a workers comp case suite and he is unemployed but looking for work. He would tell me everyday that he loves me and only me. Now November comes and he is still telling me all of this until the the 22nd. He would not answer any of my calls or text nor would he see me and by chance i ran into him and he would not tell me we are broke up he could not tell me to move on but when i went to kiss him he kept pushing me away but he huged me very tightly what to i think of this and then he say i love you but i have to think about if i want to still be with you. Please help me to understand what is going on with him

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 29, 6:36 PM,
This is a situation dear, where no one explanation will fit. He's having a change of heart, for whatever reason, and you need to accept this so that you don't prolong any suffering as a result. His reasons are for him to figure out. All you need to do right now is take care of yourself and your son and keep moving forward.

When a man acts like this, you DO NOT try harder to win him over. If you do that, you will surely only end up pushing him away. When a man, or anyone for that matter, is teetering with a decision - you do NOT push at that time. Because if you do, you're going to make his decision for him, and it won't be the one you wanted him to make. Pressuring will only cause him to bolt.

Instead, what you do is - YOU DISAPPEAR. You fall off his radar entirely. You do not call, you do not text, you do not respond to his texts and you do not respond to his calls. You remove yourself from his life entirely as the CONSEQUENCE to HIS DECISION. When someone treats you poorly, you do not reward them with more love and affection. Instead, you show them consequences for their behavior:


When your dog pees on the floor, you do not give it a treat. You place it outside as a consequence. And you do the same with him. You show him that there are consequences for this type of treatment, and one of them is NO ACCESS to you. You let him see what life feels like without you and you let him experience any of the pain, sadness and loss associated with that. Because then and only then will he "feel" any of the feelings he has for you.

Men experience feelings for women during periods of absence dear. Unlike women, who experience them during periods of togetherness. So if you want this man to realize and experience any of the feelings he has for you - you give him PLENTY OF SPACE to do so. If he wants space, you give it to him - and you give him even more of it than he's asked for and you give it to him for at least a month, 30 days solid - nothing - nada.

In order for this psychological tactic to kick in and take effect, it's imperative that YOU REMAIN SILENT and non responsive. If you do not, and you give him access to you during this time, you will be removing the absence that's necessary for him to realize and experience any feelings he has for you. So you go into no contact, no response and you remain silent. All he hears are crickets chirping on a quiet night:


Now realize, this is not guaranteed to work. If he doesn't return with an apology or an invitation to talk (and that is the ONLY time you respond, if you receive an apology or an invitation to talk), then you have your answer - it's over and he doesn't have any feelings anymore. And you accept that with grace and you move on as best you can.

And you make full use of the no contact period. You don't sit and wait - you get out and you LIVE. Because this period is more for you than him even. This period helps you to detach emotionally so that you can begin to experience life without him and realize that you don't need him to be happy. Happiness comes from within yourself. When it comes from "without" or "lack" - then you attempt to seek it from others in order to "fill" you up. What you need to do here is realize that YOU can make YOURSELF happy. You don't need a man to do that. You can remain happy and independent on your own two feet.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

So you make full use of this period of time by reigniting friendships, participating actively in them, reigniting hobbies and interests once again, buy yourself some new clothes, get a new hairstyle, change your hair color, start exercising to work off the anxiety in a healthy manner (rather than a self-defeating one by picking up the phone) and you begin to live your life for YOU - all over again dear.

Because this isn't really about him. It's about YOU. It's about YOUR happiness. You don't sit around and wait for a man to decide if he wants to be with you or not. Instead, you take control of the situation and you decide that HE is NOT making YOU happy. And as a result, you're out. This waiting does not make you happy and you refuse to do so, so you take control and you move on and away from him. If he wants you, he knows where to find you - he can catch up later if he likes.

But as for you, you're moving on. And you're going to do so, looking and feeling like a million bucks. So do whatever it takes to get yourself into that mind space. And once he sees you looking, feeling and acting like a million bucks. . .there's a chance he's going to be attracted to that and want to be near that type of energy.

Because that's what this is about dear. It's not about him, it's about YOU and the ENERGY you're emitting out into the universe. Through the Law of Attraction, we attract the energy we emit right back to us. So if you get yourself right and you get yourself emitting that positive energy out into the universe, nine times out of ten, you suddenly begin to attract that energy right back to yourself. People WANT TO BE AROUND positive energy. It's enticing and attractive to them.

So get busy and start working on ways to develop and begin emitting that positive energy. That's the energy he was originally attracted to when he met you. When these things happen, it's not about getting the guy back. It's about getting YOURSELF back. And when you do that, most times, women realize they don't even want to be with the man anymore. A man that doesn't make you happy or attempt to fulfill your needs isn't a man you want in your life dear. Because his needy, weighty energy will only hold you back. And most women realize about 30 days into this, that that needy weighty energy (ego needs, attention needs, control needs, demands to be met, expectations to be met, living conditions to be provided, etc.) that the man brought into the relationship - actually brought them down.

Your job now - is to lift yourself back up :-)

Anonymous said...

I need some solid advice from someone as educated as you on love and when enough is enough. I've been dating a guy for 7 mos now and everything has been great and around the 6 mo mark he decided to tell me that me having a child is "challenging" for him. He never mentioned word of this up to this point. He obviosuly knew I had a child when he ask me out as well. Anyways, for the last mo and half he has been wishey, washey, up and down with me and then the next week comes and tells me he's just scared and feels like he just needs more time with me. That quality time to bond. Infact his exact words are he needed to go through all the stages of a relationship: Grow, date, like, love, engaged, married and then family. He said dating me already included the family stage and he feels like he has to go through the other stages to get to the family stage. He said since my parenting plan went into effect that he would like to have the time to build with me, but it was ultimately up to me to give him that chance, so I did and then last week, he started acting funky again. We haven't spoke in 4 days. I told him I can't keep putting myself on an emotional roller coaster every other week, either he was in or out. That I was package deal. Advice please!!!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 3, 10:30 AM,
Well dear, it is what it is. He's made himself clear and his behavior is indicating that this is an issue. The only way to jump off that roller coaster dear - is to take control and walk away :-(

I know that's not the ideal outcome, but the reality is that you cannot make someone love you or want to be in a relationship with you. Nothing you do or say is going to change that. Additionally, while he's acting up and acting out like this, you're suffering and when you suffer, your child suffers. He's stealing attention, energy and focus on your, that belongs to your child dear. The more he depletes you, the less you have to give to your child.

Have faith in yourself that you are valuable and walk away dear. Walk away to find your happiness and to keep yourself intact emotionally so that you can be "whole" and be a good mother to your child. The man isn't important, your child is. The man is replaceable, your child isn't. If you start to look at this for what it is, it'll be easier to do dear. He's like a vampire right now, stealing your focus and your energy with his wishy washy behavior. And as time goes on, he'll most likely only become resentful and look at this as an obligation...because emotionally, he's not mature enough to see the value in this and he's not equipped to deal with it properly, as his behavior is already indicating.

If you love something, set it free. If it flies back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was.

He's stealing your thunder dear and he's keeping you on a string. Don't be a victim to it, take control and walk away from it instead.

Anonymous said...

A guy is trying to talk to me after over 4 months NC. No sex. Just dating. He did all the pursuit. We parted awkwardly...not really any "Breaking up" but his behavior got the best of me. Instead of staying cool and just repaying him with distance and ignoring him, I got way too fired up (he could tell I actually got mad at him). I think this made him cocky!! BC he started pulling more stunts after I got mad. But still asked to see me. He seems like he has never had a real girlfriend. For some reason I still like him. IDK if I should just ignore him (it makes it seem like I am still mad...haha...which is kind of pathetic) or casually engage his conversation. He just stopped calling me! So i am mad...but I see that part of it is bc I started acting "psycho" a little and too overly concerned about him. He obviously picked up on it :(

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the advice Mirror of Aphrodite. I really appreicate it! You are absolutely right about not letting my son suffer over this and I can promise you he isn't. He comes first and always will. I was down and out Saturday but I got up and took my lil man out to lunch, also took him to his favorite play place called Leaping Lizards, got him ice cream and then finished the day with the "Nut Job" kid movie. It was a day all about him. I also wanted to mention that quote, you saying let it go and if it comes back to you then it's yours, only he has come back only to leave, then came back and left again, so I guess that one doesn't apply to me :( He never really fully accepted the package deal and I know deep down a man that truly loves me will.

Anonymous said...

Hello aphrodite! first let me say that i LOVE your articles on here!
i just had a question for you, because im kinda confused (as lots of woman who come here,and read your amazing articles), there's this guy, i have met two years ago, we couldnt be together because of the distance, but anyway, we were still talking to each other nicely and a bit flirty. he got a girlfriend but we were still in touch. we had a fling in the past but nothing serious, and well, he kept asking me out but were never making concrete plans. yet, he was asking me where i was, how i was doing, tried to get me a job, and well, he just broke up with his girlfriend (he told me 2 weeks ago when i asked how he was doing, and he was so happy to hear from me, after two month we werent talking to each other) and well, he was planning to come and see me, but finally didn't. but didn't give explanations. Then, he quit his job, and is now flirting with a bunch of girls. We still haven't seen each other though. Like, there's something which is keeping him from seeing me but what ? i dont know. he's flirting with lots of girls but doesnt talk to me lately, neither flirting anymore with me. (i tried to talk to him a few days ago, but no replies, so i backed off now) and i was wondering if you could help me understand him a bit better ? To be honnest i really want to have my chance with him, and i don't know what to do , since he just broke up. i thank you already for the help you provide to everyone on this website ! :)

Anonymous said...

Oh i forgot also i was planning to go and see him by surprise, but im not sure its a good idea because it's been such a long time and i dont know if he would appreciate :/

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 7, 10:08 AM,
"also i was planning to go and see him by surprise"

No dear, don't do that. For several reasons. Firstly, you don't know if he's reconciled with his girlfriend. He could have, and his open flirtations with other women could be him sort of lashing out at her for possibly causing the breakup, you never know (immature men do that to make the girl jealous).

Second, he could be seeing other people if he hasn't reconciled with his GF. And you don't want to show up down there and have that rubbed in your face, ya' know?

Third, NEVER and i mean NEVER be the one to travel to a man like that at first. When first meeting or when first reconciling. If you do that, you'll set the tone from that day forward as the one that needs to do all the work to keep the relationship going. Additionally, you'll never really know if the man is simply taking you up on your offer but not seriously interested - or if he's genuinely interested at all. Because the only way a woman can know that, is to see if the MAN pursues HER. Traveling to the man is more or less being in pursuit of him, that's how men interpret that. He'll think you're on the chase here. And being aggressive like that has a way of turning men off. They'll still sleep with you, but in the end, they'll consider it casual, not a relationship, and off they'll go. In situations like that where the woman is on the chase, men can become opportunists about sex. So don't willingly walk into a situation like that. If he wants you, he knows where to find you. And he can PROVE to you that he's genuinely interested in you, by seeking YOU out, ya' know?

It sounds to me like there's still some leftover "stuff" going on here with his ex. Like maybe they're in an on again, off again situation right now and when they're off, he's flirting with these other women to make her jealous and try to draw her back to him. Either way, him flirting with all of these other women dear is not a good sign. Don't go down there and inject yourself into that situation because you may get hit with all kinds of unexpected crap going on or other women involved. It's best to wait him out and see if he's genuinely interested by seeing if HE comes to YOU ;-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for this answer Aphrodite ! :) you're the best !

Anonymous said...

by the way, i have no clue actually who broke up with who, he changed of city, but well, i guess they are still in friendly contact looks like. Looks like actually it was a mutual breakup.
and the fact he's in another city flirting, i'm just afraid he'll meet someone there, and i won't have my chance anymore. and because he asked me so often out, (well, never followed through), always initiating contacts, well i want to have my chance before he meets someone you know? :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 8, 10:17 AM,
"i want to have my chance before he meets someone you know?"

I realize that dear. But the reality is that nothing you do or say can make someone love you or want a relationship with you. You can't control others dear, only your reaction to them. Regretfully, there's nothing a woman can really do to control a man's attractions. Sure, you can throw yourself at him and yea, he may take you up on your offer. But if he wasn't genuinely interested in the first place, all that will come of it is he will sleep with you a few times....before he bolts to find what it is that he wants anyway.

So don't place yourself in a situation where you make it really easy for a man to use you. If you do, and that happens, many men have very little sympathy for that. Their stance is usually one of, "What? SHE came to ME. SHE pursued ME. All I did was take her up on her offer. I never promised her a relationship."

See what I mean? If you pursue a man, he may take you up on the offer. But the bottom line is that if he wasn't genuinely interested in the first place, sleeping with you a few times isn't going to change that and in the end, you just get used :-( And the only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested or not - is to see if HE pursues HER. If he doesn't, then you have your answer and there's no more confusion :-(

Anonymous said...

alright thank you :)

well, i guess i will just wait, as you said then, i really hope i get at least to have a drink with him, its all i ask for now, but it seems that even a drink scares him lol. I do think he's interested though as he was chasing me and all, it's just weird that some men ask many times a girl out but never follow through lol
you know, i have a feeling that now, he wants to enjoy his freedom, and i think he smelled i had feelings for him and wanted to be with him, so he kinda backed off and finally decided not to come to see me because he though: wait, if i come, she'll think i want a relationship when all what i want, is taking advantage of my freedom and i don't want to give her hopes for now, as for now, i don't want a relationship.

Just my thoughts really :) lol

thanx again ! x

petals said...

Aphrodite, I love love love this blog! I have very recently experienced a disappearing act myself. In december I met a guy online, who lives some distance away from me. To be honest, I wasn't too serious when I started to mail him, just for a nice chat and some distraction since I knew he lived far. But.. one mail becomes 2, and so on until we were mailing and texting and skyping every day. He was the one initiating sending me every morning at 6.30 kisses and goodmorning, how is your day going? He was sending me pictures of pies he baked with his kids, telling me about how a painting in his house was dedicated to his grandfather. I could tell him anything about my work, he seemed genuinely interested in me and my everyday life. He was telling me he felt a serious 'click' and chemistry. He has been in a long relationship and now single for 2 years, 40 years old. I am 33.

Well anyway I started to have warm feelings for him as we shared more and more and we talked every day. But still I was hesitant because of the distance and all. Then, one day he suddenly was around my town so I decided ok let's take the chance and invite him. It was a great evening, first thing he does is take me in his arms for a good hug, pressing me tight and all of this seemed so genuine. We talked and after that he wanted to leave for home... he didn't push me for nothing but I guess the naughty girl inside me then awoke ;-) so we also made love. I know... not so smart maybe but well I guess I thought he's gonna be away again for so long and it's not gonna work out anyway so why not enjoy it.

The next day, kisses in the morning. The day after: no reply to my text message, just asking him how is the work in his new home going. The day after I sent him some update about my job which he had always been seriously interested in. No reply. So I waited a couple of days and then decided to just ask him upfront: what's going on? We chatted for 2 months met once and now, nothing? As a response he sends me 10 pictures of his new house that he is completely redecorating and which will take until end of april.

Well I know he is busy, and believe me he is, kids at the weekend, fulltime job and everyday building the new house.. and I am not pushing him for that. Maybe it is even better to not keep sending kisses back and forth all the time since it won't lead to anything at the moment. But it just hurts me that he was so interested at first and now nothing... I just don't know what to think of it. My guess is that it was all coming too close and he backed out because he doesn't want anything serious at the moment. When he left, he said to me, and it sounded genuine, 'wow, what is going on here..' as if he was himself a bit overwhelmed by everything and was not ready for it and in fact has nothing to offer himself. But I was so happy finding someone who seemed to treat me in a genuinely respectful way, I am disappointed at him disappearing from the face of the earth. It just seems so disrespectful! I had told him several times that I don't have sex with just any guy, I need some kind of bond with the guy, be it a friendship bond if the chances are low we will ever be in a relationship anyway because of distance and circumstances not being so good. And then he comes over, and disappears. I told him in a text that it leaves me with an odd feeling but he seems to be evading any talk about it, not coming online, not responding.

Now I sometimes think oh what the... don't make things so difficult for yourself you had a great time with the guy and you enjoyed him too. But I feel angry too, because I did feel a somewhat closer connection than this...

Anonymous said...

Absolutely love this site; the articles and comments are so insightful. I'd like to recommend that all ladies out there listen to Irene Cara's "The Dream" and read the lyrics - really wonderful song - a flashback from the 80s when innocence in our society still existed...

Anonymous said...

This is a great article. I'm in a situation that I am not sure how to proceed. I met a guy about 6 months ago. We didn't see each other a lot and our only communication was texting. In January, I told him this wasn't working for me and that we could remain friends. He said he messed up and wanted to let me in but didn't know how. Then a few weeks later (mid Feb) he asked if I really thought we could be friends. At this point, we were not sleeping together (that stopped in December) and hadn't seen each other since late January. We were not "talking" that much either. As far as I was concerned we were just friends, and flirted with each other. At this point I am not sure that a friendship is possible. I don't trust it after everything that has happened.. Do you think if I "disappear" I will be able to see if his intentions on being friends are real?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 6, 2:10 PM,
"Do you think if I "disappear" I will be able to see if his intentions on being friends are real?"

I'm probably really not the one to ask this to because....I don't believe in friends after lovers. I don't believe that you can demote someone from a lover to a friend successfully because one party ALWAYS secretly wants MORE. So I think the friends after lovers things is more of a fantasy because the reality is, it very rarely works and it only generally works when the two individuals involved are extremely mature emotionally and strong enough to handle it.

So while he may THINK he has intentions of only friendship here, there's a very high likelihood that secretly, he's planning on pushing for more. At the bare minimum, "friends with benefits" is probably where he's hoping to start.

Disappearing will help YOU though. It will help you gain clarity and step back from the situation gracefully without potentially destroying any civility left between you two. If you do that and he steps up his game and comes on strong and shows a new "self" to you, then you have the choice at the time to reconsider. I think that distance will do some good for both you and him. At the very least, you'll be sending a clear message to him while taking plenty of time and space for yourself in the meantime - which is NEVER a bad thing dear :-)

Life is Short. Smile Often :) said...

Hi Mirror,

Hope you are doing well! :)

I wanted to give you some feedback on what's been happening... As I mentioned last time, I have been quite busy with work travels and haven't seen my DM in almost a year! There are times where we don't speak for weeks to a month and he always seems to ping me when he doesn't hear from me. Lately he's been pinging more than usual from weekly to daily. He's been asking to hang out and I've told him perhaps when I get back. In the last week, he was like "I'm curious to know if you will ever hang out with me!". Then a few weeks later, he was like "Are you back yet?", I didn't reply as I was out of the country and when I had checked my email, I noticed he added me on fb and messaged me the same thing, are you back?. When I finally got back a week later I mentioned that I was back and jet lagged. He texts me back on the weekend asking if I wanted to come over to his place to hang out with him and his best friend and I just ignored him. He then messaged me again when I was at work, and was like why don't you come straight from work to my place. I told him, sorry I need to go home because I have an early morning the next day. He messaged me a few days after to come by and watch a movie, and so I finally told him, I can't but I would be free on a saturday for a bite/dinner. And now he goes MIA... I don't get this guy, when I'm not available he seems to chase me non stop but when I am finally free, he plays games. We went out the first time for a lovely dinner but I mean I haven't seen him in a year and he just wants me to come over to hang out at his place and watch movies. I am a pretty casual down to earth person who does enjoy staying in and having fun indoors but due to the reason I haven't seen him in over a year, I don't want to just jump when he says come over. Mirror, do you know why this man is all over me by blowing up my phone when I'm not responding to him? Secondly, I tell him about the dinner date and now he's just completely ignored me for a few days...

I really appreciate your help as always Mirror. You always give me inspiration every time & I am truly grateful for your help.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Life is Short. Smile Often,
"I finally told him, I can't but I would be free on a saturday for a bite/dinner. And now he goes MIA... I don't get this guy, when I'm not available he seems to chase me non stop but when I am finally free, he plays games."

While that tendency does exist in certain men (emotionally immature ones), I kinda' see this as something a bit different. And here's the difference...he was offering you a "hookup" sofa date (that he didn't need to spend a dime on or lift a finger for) - and you signaled that you wanted a REAL DATE (dinner date) - and THAT'S when he disappeared.

So that tells me, he's a lazy guy fishing around for hookup sex on his sofa.

"Mirror, do you know why this man is all over me by blowing up my phone when I'm not responding to him?"

He's all over you blowing up your phone when he's trying to get free and easy hookup sex on his sofa. But when he's required to man up, treat you like a lady and take you on a real date in order to see you - he disappears. Again, signaling that his true intentions were for hookup sex or a make out session on his sofa that doesn't cost him a dime and that he doesn't have to work for.

He's not looking for a real date or a real relationship...he's another lazy guy seeking something for nothing :-(

Anonymous said...


Brilliant article.

I loved the last line on this part:

Stage Two: Increased Anxiety. Anxiety that is heightened to such an extent, it brings on bouts of worry and despair that can be unbearably dark. I think every woman truly wants to make a man happy. Rejecting her loving nature and the things of value she has to offer you can be truly devastating. That shiny suit of armor she’s wearing, her sexiness? Take two big handfuls of mud and sling them onto it. Now there’s a big dent and she’s covered in mud. Not quite so sexy anymore, huh?

Such an insight all round article. Showing that all men should treat all women well and if they don't the emotions women go through. I really enjoyed reading it. I will try and remember that. I'm sure I will. Especially the bit about why women are they way they are (mothers/childbirth). Very good. Thanks for sharing the insight, psychology, your experience and wisdom.


Anonymous said...

Very upsetting because I have not once ever portrayed myself as a "hook up" kinda girl to begin with. It's been over a year and half and he hasn't gotten it yet!? Like when will he get it? He is probably full of himself because he knows he's a handsome guy and get's want he wants, however, with me, I ain't no "sofa chick" and never will be one. He's totally ignored me now and it's been over a week which is frustrating and I just wish I could tell him off but I'll take a rain cheque lol. What should I do when he does texts me again, should I say anything about it my previous text?

Thanks Mirror!!

Life is short. Smile Often :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Life is short. Smile Often,
"Like when will he get it?"

There's no guarantee he ever will - some men never do. There are women on this site in their 50's reporting this behavior from men that are also in their 50's. Some folks never grow up dear.

"What should I do when he does texts me again"

Don't respond to him, cut him out of your life, and save yourself the grief and hassle of attempting to figure him out, LOL ;-) This guy isn't looking for anything serious. And if you are, all you'll be doing by continuing to entertain his communications is wasting your time dear. Trying to align yourself with folks that have different goals from you is pointless because you're both going in two different directions in life.

I could tell you to respond or confront him - and it wouldn't change a thing unfortunately. A confrontation would only open yourself up to his criticism (after he becomes defensive) and position yourself as an adversary to him (someone he now wants to battle) and responding to him will only get you more of the same dear :-(

Maggie said...

I have been dating a great guy for 9 months. We get along great, have never argued and are kind to each other. Suddenly, on Friday he announced over the phone that he was never going to get remarried (he's been divorced twice) and that he would would like to continue to date me without being intimate. I told him, "No!" Who wants to move backwards in a relationship? Not me. He was shocked when I told him I didn't want to date him as "just friends." Now, I'm heart broken and don't know what to do! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

There's nothing you CAN do dear, but walk through the pain and come out the other side healed. Rely on your coping skills when doing so and use physical activities to release any pent up feelings in a healthy manner.

All you CAN do right now dear - is take care of YOURSELF. Love yourself and respect yourself and stand strong. Do your best to keep moving forward and give yourself a big pat on the back for not settling for less than you deserve :-)

Anonymous said...

wonderful article, your insight is extremely valuable. I wrote to you under the Disappearing Man column earlier this month and I certainly appreciated your input. I was "anonymous" who had the man that get's pouty if he doesn't hear from me first (saying things like "you ok" if I "made" him text me first rather than initiate contact or the time he send the "sorry for bothering you text" the night he called and I was working).
Anyway, he disappeared on me and guess what?! I backed off, told him I was giving him space and to find me when he was ready to talk. Out of the blue I get a "hey baby" and "muah" text on Saturday (haven't gotten anything like that in WEEKS). I DID reply (knowing I should have made him sweat it out) and in the end, I asked "has something been wrong lately". He simply replied "No, I got my feelings hurt". Now, I can see where I may have hurt his feelings when we first started dating, but not the week he disappeared, unless he got all butt hurt because I took 6 hours to reply to his text. Either way, I apologized,; and yep, once again, not another word. It has been 2 days. So, next time he comes back around,I am ignoring him for several days. He is obvioulsy not that interested and has no desire to talk about things.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous April 7, 10:07AM,
"next time he comes back around,I am ignoring him for several days."

Definitely. NEVER, and I mean NEVER, reward a disappearing man by giving him MORE of your time, attention and focus. When people treat you poorly, they receive a CONSEQUENCE - not a reward:


Everytime he swings around and receives a reward for disappearing on you (your response, time and attention) all that does is REASSURE him that you're still there. When people treat you poorly, they don't deserve that reassurance. They deserve to worry.

"has no desire to talk about things."

You shouldn't even be trying to "talk" about things dear. Because when you do that, that's all "emotional" communication. And when things are always emotional, for a man, that's not FUN - it's WORK. Men do not like to live in an emotional state all the time, constantly discussing how they feel and what's wrong and what's going on - again - because it's not fun and it feels like "work" to them.

So when he swings around next time, he gets no immediate response. If I were you, he'd get NO response at all from me at this point. But if you decide to continue this with him, he receives no reward for disappearing again. He does not receive instant access to you, he does not receive an instant response, he does not receive the reassurance that he's seeking - he is not rewarded for disappearing and he gets NONE of the things he's seeking by reappearing.

He gets what he gives, which is silence, worry and stress (from not hearing from you) and he gets to feel what it's like to be on the other end of that. And when/if you do decide to respond, the talk is small...it's not "heavy" emotional stuff. It's small talk only. If he wants "more" from you....then he's got to EARN that through WORK and EFFORT on his part. If he doesn't put in the work or effort, then he gets shallow small talk only.

Anonymous said...

Thanks MOA. I guess him 'guilting' me worked a number on me which is why I even replied in the first place. He was a pro at making me feel like I needed to put in more effort by saying things like "you okay" if I didn't text him first that day, or the "sorry for bothering you" that night I nicely told him I was working but I could take a few minutes to talk. Then when I decided to pull back he did the whole "I guess I'm not going to hear from you again today. Goodnight" text. The day that it all took a downward slide, I had went to see him the night before and he was in a weird mood. The next morning I left early. He sent a text to see if I made it home. I ignored it and an hour later he sent another. I told him I had made it. He sent another text and it took me 6 hours to reply. After that, he disappeared. prior to that, he was the most loving affectionate man. surely he didn't get "his feelings hurt" over me taking 6 hours to respond?! Then last week it was "I don't feel like you truly like me" and then Saturday's "I got my feelings hurt". I truly don't get it, which is why I made the mistake of asking him.
I am going to choose to remain silent now and follow your wonderful advice. My emotions got the best of me Saturday but I have learned my lesson.
I think he has some kind of issue with needing to be chased.
Thanks much!!!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous April 7, 12:01PM,
"I think he has some kind of issue with needing to be chased."

I think he's EXTREMELY insecure.

And I can tell you dear, insecure men do NOT make for good boyfriends, lovers or husbands. They're a ton of work (exhausting), they're very "needy" and need a ton of attention and they are emotionally manipulative to get it (guilt you)....as you're seeing now. I hate to say it dear, but a man like this will drive you nuts :-(

We all have insecurities dear, it's part of the human condition. However, when they are out of control and the individual is "hyper-active" about them, as he is, it's not a situation that will bring you much joy unfortunately. He's got a lot of work to do on himself (becoming confident and manning up) before he should be out dating I think :-(

Anonymous said...

Thanks again MOA. (Anonymous April 7 1:25). I know this must keep you very busy replying to so many cries for help on here, but the service you are providing to us.. priceless. I have read Why Men Love B!tches and a lot of what you say echo's the material..and NOW that I have all these dating experiences under my wing (I am 32) I can say that both what you and Sherry Argov say is RIGHT ON.

It is just hard to always follow the advice perfectly when your emotions get the best of you and that is something I need to continue to improve on..to keep my emotions in check and learn patience and to value myself more. You, with this site, have helped with that. A sincere, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU.

I don't know what his issue is, but point made: It is HIS issue, not mine. He came on so strong after our first date (started calling me baby, saying he missed me all the time, wanting to see me 3 days a week, etc) and truthfully, I knew that was a sign (Some saying out there about the candle burning fast???).

He comes across as super super confident but he sometimes had this weird quiteness to him that felt "odd". Almost like a sadness came over him.

I think you are correct in your last comment,; about him not dating. His friends all group texted him on our first date...acting like him being on a date was a HUGE deal, the group text read "Hey everyone. let's all wish AH luck tonight as he has a date. WITH A GIRL" and they were all poking fun at him and blowing his phone up with well wishes. I thought nothing of it, but now I see that may have meant he doesn't date much.

Regardless, I have learned a truly valuable lesson and will carry it with me.
All you ladies out there--Know your worth. We are better than this.

Anonymous said...

Hi there,
I've been reading your articles for quite some time now and I must say, they are quite relatable...I've been in a long distance relationship with a man for about 8 months, but for the past few months he has been doing these disappearing acts and it has been driving me CRAZY!
He is an insecure guy..most definitely. But he refuses to believe it because he has an inferiority complex. Admitting things like that makes him feel weak. He's had a lot of issues with relationships in the past, not to mention a bad home life, and because of that he started to use sex and alcohol as a way to lash out and cope with his emotions. He uses and manipulates women for pleasure as well.
Regardless of all of the things he's done, he's admitting to hating one despicable act: cheating. His father was a cheater, his ex-girlfriend was a cheater, hell, even all of his friends are cheaters. He hates it with a passion. Or at least, that's what I thought.
Ever since January he's been disappearing and reappearing saying that he's been having "Internet problems". In the beginning I thought this was normal, but then I began to get suspicious when his disappearances started to become longer and more frequent. Then I started to go through these stages.
When he came back from his last disappearance, he asked me a question; he asked "How do you know if I'm not cheating on you?" Thinking this was just another one of his mind games, I responded with a simple "Because I know you." He admitted to wanting to cheat on me, but that he couldn't because he loved me too much.
Again, at first, I thought this was very sweet and very trusting of him to admit such a thing...but...the more he disappears, the more suspicious I get. What if he really is cheating on me? How can I be sure without seeming too distrusting of him? Am I wasting my time? I don't really know...considering this is my first relationship, I'm kind of in a rut. I need advice.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

You need to "suss" him out dear. You need to start pulling back and away from him and then observing his response to that. If he disappears, when he reappears....he does NOT get instant access to you again. When someone treats you poorly, you do not reward them for it with more of your time, attention and focus. Instead, you deliver a CONSEQUENCE for that poor treatment:


And that consequence is - no access to you. If he's behaving as if he could care less whether he looses you or not, then you call his bluff on that....by giving him no further access to you and making him experience the loss. When your dog pees on the floor dear, you do not give it a treat. Instead, it receives a consequence of being placed outside, alone, without you. If you reward disappearing acts with more of your time and attention, all that does is signal to him that it's okay. It says to him, "Keep doing whatever you want to do, it doesn't matter, I'll still be here waiting." You need to make him realize that it DOES matter and that when he treats you poorly, there's a consequence for that and the consequence is no access to you.

To accomplish this, you have two options. One is no contact:


And the other is "mirroring" his own behavior and it's discussed in this piece:


And mirroring involves a "balanced" treatment. Meaning, if he disappears on you for a week, then when he contacts you, you take a week to respond. This signals to him that you're onto what he's doing and that it's not acceptable to you and the consequence for that is that you'll treat him in the very same manner. And if he doesn't like that, then he'll have to treat you better if he wants you to treat him better. It keeps things fair and balanced.

Anonymous said...

I am currently going through this Aphrodite

I was just dating a man for 4 months who did all the right things. On the surface he seemed to be kind, loving, affectionate, shy and sweet. Not charming in any way or showing he had any game. He had been divorced for over a year and worked many hours and was a self proclaimed workaholic. We still made it work and he made time for me. Then he started to pull a slow fade, and admittedly I should have seen these as major red flags he was losing interest. Oh how i wish I had read this earlier and had applied these methods to make him chase me.

He wound up disappearing completely right after he took me on a week long vacation professing his affection and calling me his girlfriend. He went so far as to say he was hoping for us to last long term. We returned and he disappeared. I was SHOCKED. Why make promises and call someone your girlfriend if you had no intuitions of it. I didnt demand or even ask for our status he just gave it to me.

I read your article and wondered WTF I did to deserve this silent treatment. I mean what kind of guy does that? this is a man in his mid thirties with children who had been married. And for the record this guy is alive because he's been very active on Facebook. and showed up to work which was confirmed by a friend.

I gave him his space thinking maybe he'd return, and did not text him the entire duration of his now 10 day disappearance. Nothing. In an effort to save myself some dignity and self respect I accepted him as a vanishing man and finally sent a text asking politely to have my personal items I left at his place returned by mail or a neutral place like his front desk. Nothing. Silence. crickets. No response whatsoever from this fool. Im flabbergasted. Not only did he pull this cowardly shade out when we were in a relationship, but he is also keeping my personal items?
I simply cannot wrap my head around this behavior as it is bizarre and foreign to me.

Anonymous said...


I met a guy while I was visiting a friend in another city. He got my number, texted me the next day when I left to go home, and again a couple days later. He texted me almost every day, and told me he wanted to take me on a date, etc. I ended up going back to his town for an interview and I stayed with my friend. He came over to see me every night and went out with us every night, etc. He took me on our first official date while I was there. He knew that I was invited to a wedding at the end of the next month, and offered to go with me as my date. I decided to go and he booked his flight almost immediately and told me how excited he was about it. He was still in constant contact, except for one time when we didn't speak for 5 days. He ended up calling me on the 5th night and we talked. He texted me the following day, I didn't reply. He texted me again a few days later and we resumed conversation like normal.

After this he kept telling me he couldn't wait to see me, etc. We finally saw each other the weekend of the wedding, and we ended up talking about the long distance issue. He brought it up, but I told him that if the distance was not an option for him, then that was fine, but maybe we shouldn't continue talking after this weekend. He went on to tell me thats not what he wanted, and that I am the first girl he's had feelings for in over a year, and that he thought about me every day when we didn't talk for that one week, and that he loves seeing me and wants to give things a shot. Unfortunately I ended up sleeping with him the last night (We had been "talking" for over 3 months at this point and had seen each other 3 different weekends, but I know it was still not the best move). Afterwards he said he hoped I didn't feel badly about what happened, and promised me that nothing would change on his end. He told me "If anything, I want to be with you more now". He also asked me to come visit him the following month, but no solid plans.

After he left we continued to talk (all communication initiated by him) for the next 4 days. Then I ended up not hearing from him for 10 days.I wanted to give him a chance to gracefully end things so that I didn't have to continue wondering WTF. My text said "Hey (name), since we haven't spoken, I assume something changed on your end. I just wanted to let you know that I had fun getting to know you, and I hope you're doing well." He replied with excuses about everything going on in his life and apologized for being distant, obviously I don't believe he was THAT busy. He asked about my life and I replied very briefly. He ended up texting again but didn't ask a question, so I didn't reply. I deleted his number and all text messages and thought we were done. To my surprise, I see that he was in a group picture with his ex on facebook the week after he saw me for the wedding. They broke up over a year ago and live in different cities, but she has friends in his city and visits sometimes. I thought okay, mystery solved.

THEN 3 days after our conversation (yesterday) he texted me "Hey! Hope you had a great week. Are you still going out of town this weekend?" (We had spoken a while ago about a trip I was taking this weekend)

I have not replied to him, and I don't know if I should. The thing is, I really do like him. Obviously I don't want someone who doesn't want me, but if this sounds like a salvageable situation, then I would like to do whatever I can to make it work.

What I don't know is if he made the decision to get back in contact with me because he truly cares, or just because things didn't work out with the ex.

I just need your honest opinion on what is going on, what I should do, and what you THINK may happen on his end. I just wish that if he was truly not interested, he would have taken the bait that I gave him and bowed out gracefully.

Thank you in advance for your help on this one!! I definitely need it.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 19, 2:39 PM,
Obviously, I can't be sure of this however, it appears to me that he possibly saw this as casual dating and when he received an ultimatum (even if it was unintended), he pulled back. I believe this was the ultimatum, "I told him that if the distance was not an option for him, then that was fine, but maybe we shouldn't continue talking after this weekend."

At that point, it became, "either we date exclusively or we're not even friends." So he probably didn't want to quit speaking to you, but he probably didn't want a commitment either. And when faced with the situation, he chose to continue speaking with you, but ultimately the fact that he may not have wanted a commitment creeped in and he pulled away as a result.

Basically, his actions are signaling that he doesn't want a commitment. And if you do and you do not want to remain friends with him as a result, that's fine - but if that's the case, then you should probably leave things be. If you want one thing and he wants another, then you are each headed in different directions and as a result, it won't work. And if you don't want to remain friends with him under those circumstances, then it's probably best to leave things be. Otherwise, I believe this would continue to be a causal dating situation for him.

"if this sounds like a salvageable situation, then I would like to do whatever I can to make it work."

That depends on what you mean by "salvageable." Meaning, does that mean salvaging a relationship here? Or salvaging a friendship? If it's friendship, then yes I believe it's salvageable. If it's a relationship, then I don't believe it will be because this man hasn't really stated that a relationship is what he wants, he hasn't asked for a commitment or expressed a desire for one. And if, even in spite of that fact, you still wanted to try for one, you'd have to accept a casual dating situation (non-committed) until he did ask to date you exclusively - which may or may not happen.

"What I don't know is if he made the decision to get back in contact with me because he truly cares, or just because things didn't work out with the ex."

I don't think he looked at anything as "broken" here. Meaning, you looked at the five and ten days of not speaking as a breakup and in his eyes, he looked at it as no big deal - because there's no commitment in place and this was a casual dating situation for him (casual definition: not regular, sporadic, unconcerned, etc.)

So I don't think he returned because he wants a relationship and is genuinely interested, and I don't think he returned because it didn't work out with the ex....I think he just simply picked up where he left off. Dating you casually, keeping in touch occasionally, and remaining friendly with you, ya' know?


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I just wish that if he was truly not interested, he would have taken the bait that I gave him and bowed out gracefully."

Well, what you need to realize dear is that NO man, EVER, is going to screw himself out of a sexual opportunity. When you provided him the "out" it came with a consequence of no friendship, and no friendship means no casual sex for him. No man is ever going to ruin a casual sex situation for himself by taking the "out" instead. And what most men when faced with the ultimatum will do is simply begin telling the woman what they think she wants to hear - while they continue doing whatever they want to do in the meantime. It's the number one reason why I don't advocate those types of "talks" being initiated by women. Because unfortunately, when a woman does that, the man will, as I said, most times simply tell her what she wants to hear when being faced with "commit to me or lose me - period."

To a man that translates to: Tell her what she wants to hear - or lose sex for yourself. So nine times out of ten, the man feigns going along with it, only for the woman to find out a week or two later, he's up to his usual tricks, out acting as a single guy. Unfortunately, when you present a man with a talk like that and it includes an ultimatum, you can pretty much guarantee that you're NOT going to get the truth from him in that situation - and you'll only be lied to. And that's why I don't think it's wise for women to initiate those talks, because when they do, all that happens is that they present the man an opportunity to lie to them and string them along regretfully.

So I think you need to come to a decision on whether or not you want a relationship. If you do, then you should probably move on because I don't think this man's actions are signaling that he wants one. If you're okay with casually dating (non-commitment) him while you're also dating other men and continuing your search for a relationship, then you can continue to see/speak with him.

I cannot tell you which of those paths to take because ultimately, that decision is yours and you have to go with your gut there. You have to decide what it is that you truly want for yourself and then once you do that, proceed accordingly :-)

Anonymous said...

I completely agree. I guess I was just hoping there was a chance he might have regained a more serious interest! I hate that someone would travel so far and go to all that trouble for someone they only saw as a fling. Oh well, what I do know is that I am no ones back up plan. If for some reason he wants more from me than what we are thinking, I assume he will make another attempt to contact me if ignore him. And if not, I wont have wasted anymore time having small talk with him only for him to fade away again. Win win. I suppose besides the ultimatum, (which you're right was not on purpose, I basically just didnt understand why he was getting on a plane to see me if the distance was an issue) I do feel that I handled the situation appropriately and he definitely has been the one initiating all contact, etc. so I don't feel that I messed anything up or could have done much differently. I will continue dating other people, and for now that's all I can do. I just have to accept that I can't read his mind! I've never had a guy disappear on me before, so I guess I was just baffled. But good riddance. I've been dating someone else who lives in my city, I just had more time and emotions invested in the other guy. I do believe he felt strongly about me in the beginning, but if he's pulled away then I don't see the point in casually talking to him anymore if there's no chance that he would ever want anything more serious. I don't need a commitment right now, I just don't ever want to feel like someone's second choice, and he made me feel that way. So, unless he miraculously wants to earn me back, on to the next :). Thank you again for your advice, and also for explaining his not wanting to lose someone for casual purposes like you mentioned, I understand that now. As a woman I just never felt the need to keep someone around after they slipped into the "good time only" category. No more ultimatums for me! Thanks again :)

Anonymous said...

hello aphrodite !

i LOVE your blog.
i dont know if you'll have the time to answer me, but it’s worth a try!
so anyway, this guy, broke up with his girlfriend of two years in January, then right after, decided to move in another city. we have known each other for a long time (we met before he got a girlfriend, connected and all but then i had to move to another city far far away),and i've always been head over heels with but he got with his girlfriend, so even if he was flirty with me, nothing could be done.
In January, i casually said hi, and we started to talk to each other, he told me he broke up with his girlfriend etc... so three month goes by, and he contacts me again, and we started speaking, flirting again (this was in march) and everything was fine, he even called me for 2 hours. I was looking for a job so he was helping me and truly motivating me to find one, he gave me contacts, and everything. Kept initiating all the time, caring, sweet, nice and deep conversations.
Anyway, in May, we finally saw each other after a very long time; i would say a good year! he invited me at his parents’ house, he shared with me his childhood pictures, was really caring, but we didn't have sex, i mean, we wanted it, but it didn't work, maybe because i was too stressed i don't know why... but we cuddled, etc... And then we started to have a very deep conversation, and he told me he was emotionally unavailable, that he wasn't over his relation and that he was still speaking to her, but not emotional stuff, just very straight forward conversation, and that she was very angry at him etc... but then, said he was interested in me, and that he wouldn't have asked me to come, if he wasn't (because i kind of got upset when he told me this) anyway, then the weekend went by, kissing here and there, cuddling here and there, very sweet. But weirdly, i felt like obviously he was there, but his heart was definitely still away. the two other nights we were together, he was asking me out of nowhere if I wanted kids, how many, when, and if I wanted to get married, and he confided in me as well, very personal stuff, he even did my laundry and brought tea in bed, was asking me to take a look at his mails to have my opinion on his contract etc.
In train back home, he texted me saying he thanked me very much for those days,that i was extremely good for him and that he was always saying everything to me with love.

Anonymous said...

Then, a few days later, we speak a bit then he says that he really likes me, and find me very attractive, but, he's not ready, and don't want to push towards the romance, and wants to put romance/sex aside. that he wants to hang out with me a lot more, but that we should be friends. then i asked if he meant that he was interested, he said he was a little, that he was sexually attracted but romantically, not really because he was still in love with her. And that he was sorry if he was too interested,it’s because he wanted to have a good weekend with me and that if he had said that nothing would happen right now, i would have been upset.
Next following days, still initiating conversations all the time, nice talks, but still flirty.
He is coming back to my city, but needed a place where to stay and asked if he could come, and that he would pay me as well, so i accepted, but, it looks like he changed his mind. he is kind of now a bit hot and cold after this weekend. honestly, i really want to have my chance with him, I’m scared he'll go back to his ex. Once he says he doesn’t love her, then, he says he still does, but that he doesn’t want to go back to her because he thinks she’s not the one, he keeps changing his mind even about me. I don’t understand how he changed his mind from the days we spend together, to the conversation.
Don't know if i shouldn't have had this deep conversation with him, maybe it pushed him away? i just don't know what to do, it’s a very confusing situation, so if you find the time, to maybe help me to understand the situation a bit better, i would be very grateful :)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 21, 4:00 AM,
"i just don't know what to do, it’s a very confusing situation"

It's not confusing dear, he's actually being very honest and making himself very clear. I think you're experiencing emotions for him and those are what's actually confusing to you. However, regardless of your emotions dear, try your best to set those aside and rely on logic here instead as I think it will help to clarify things for you.

He said, "he told me he was emotionally unavailable" and "he wasn't over his relation and that he was still speaking to her" and "he's not ready, and don't want to push towards the romance, and wants to put romance/sex aside" and "he was sexually attracted but romantically."

He's telling you there that his emotions aren't in this right now dear. I know it stinks, but at least he respects you enough to be honest with you :-(

"he keeps changing his mind even about me"

He's not changing his mind dear. He told you he wasn't romantically interested, but that he was sexually interested. Those are two different things. Romantic interest = feelings. Sexual interest = no feelings, but wants to have sex. Basically, he's seeking a "friends w/benefits" situation with you, which I would not enter into with him. If you do, you're going to get hurt :-(

"i felt like obviously he was there, but his heart was definitely still away"

That's what being "emotionally unavailable" means dear. It means that his emotions aren't in it, he's not investing emotionally.

If you can be friends with him without wanting to sleep with him or become involved in a relationship with him, then feel free to spend time with him. However, if you believe that you will become emotionally attached to him, particularly if you sleep with him, then I wouldn't agree to this friendship. Because you will become attached and he will be unable to reciprocate that to you no matter how hard he tries, because he's clearly still experiencing feelings for his ex. I would stay out of the situation until he fully resolves that dear, otherwise, you risk getting hurt here and you won't be able to blame him for hurting you because you willingly continued forward, in spite of his honesty about the situation. I think it's best here for you to remain unattached dear. Once he moves through that situation and finally puts an end to it, you can always revisit the idea at a later date :-)

Anonymous said...

Hello aphrodite, thank you very much to have taken your time to read it, and to reply!

i think i will definitely stay out of this, until he solves his problems, because now, it's just not the right time.
you know, he asked me if he could stay at mine for a month the time for him, to find a flat, but it seems like he changed his mind, and will stay somewhere else. as you say, i think its because he still loves her (despite her treating him very poorly i have to add) but yes, feelings, so he just isn't ready for the whole jump.
so, i guess i will work on myself, and hope for something in the future, because unfortunately, i'm already so in love with him :( it hurts alot

Thank you aphrodite !!!! :)

Anonymous said...

Hi, Thanks for such a great article!
My story is this. I broke up with a long term partner late last year. I met this guy soon after who helped me big time throughout the aftermath of the breakup and was a huge emotional support for me. We started a FWB situation that progressed. He asked me out in around April/May. I said I wasn't ready yet. He said that's fine and we continued as is. Everything was going great. We had a discussion in June about becoming 'official'. I then booked a holiday for a month (something I've always wanted to do and kind of because I freaked out a bit that I would start up another relationship and would miss out). He seemed to understand my reasoning at first but then took it very badly. For the next two weeks he became more and more distant and started making it clear he was seeing other people. He has now stopped calling and texting and for the past week sends me the odd 'snapchat'. I don't really know if I should be in touch with him to try and talk about it or just leave him be and accept that the 'relationship' or whatever we had was over

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 26, 3:24 AM,
"I don't really know if I should be in touch with him to try and talk about it"

I wouldn't initiate a talk like this. I'd stay silent and non-responsive until HE decides HE is READY to talk. When a woman initiates these talks, it never really goes well. The man kinda' checks out of the conversation mentally and emotionally and it ends in more conflict generally speaking. I'd let this all marinate on his mind for a bit and if it's really important to him, he'll start to signal to you when/if he's ready to talk. And when/if he does that, THEN you can have that talk...because he'll be open to it and ready to have it.

If a vacation causes this much turmoil when dating this man....just imagine what anything else regarding your independence would stir up in him? Jealousy, anxiety, discontent, control...nah. Leave this be unless he signals he ever wants to talk about it.

You two were in a FWB situation. You were not committed to one another in a "relationship" sense. As a result, you're free to do whatever you please, whenever you please. He wants a FWB situation, and then gets pissed when you book a vacation for yourself...when he's not even technically your boyfriend or asked for an exclusive relationship with you? No way. That's a man who doesn't want to commit to you, but expects YOU to commit to HIM - without getting the same from him in return. That's a big ole'...no way. And he just proved to you that he considers himself free to do as he pleases:

"started making it clear he was seeing other people"

For all you know, he's been doing that the entire time anyhow...because again, this was only a FWB situation. When you're dating someone casually like that, you cannot expect "relationship" type treatment (i.e. having a say-so as to whether or not the other individual goes on vacation).

Anonymous said...

Hello aphrodite!

first of all, i want to thank you so much for the time you take of yours, to reply, and try to help people. it's truly refreshing to see kind people in this world; so THANK YOU :)

I've already written to you on here, but i really need an advice from an expert (to me you are) because i have no clue if i should speak to him or not.

basically, it was me the anon of: "may 21, 4 am"

So basically, he came to sleep for one night, because i told him he could, as he had viewings for a new flat, super late, so i was like, that's fine,if you come, and he accepted.
he didn't want to have sex at all. and i fully believe him on this. he was saying it would be a bad idea etc... but we started to kiss because he wanted "cuddles" but actually real cuddles, which to me, meants, "cuddles" so we started to kiss, and well, we had sex.
It was may 28th. before he left, we kissed, and he said we would see each other later.
we still haven't. after he moved to the city i'm in now, and well, now he's kind of like, liking girls on instagram (who live far away from him), etc... but he doesn't really go out with girls.
i know this because, all he does is, at night, watching movies, or listen to music (yep, you can see activities on fb :p :p) but anyway, i needed some help to move out of my flat, and well, as he said we were "friends" and he said i could ask him any help etc... but then, around the 7th july, i asked him. and well, he wasnt very nice, and i dont know why. (he doesnt have anyone) i asked ifi could call him on skype 2 min after his work, because i twould be too long to explain, and he kept saying: right. is there much to explain? what do you want? we don't need to skype, blablabla, so i asked him and told him i needed a place to stay for a few days, and then he started to say that we hadn't spoken for 6 weeks, and that he was surprised i was asking him this, (like he was reproaching me of not speaking to him, when he, before he moved, asked me to keep it cool when he would move down, so i gave him space, and didn't want to seem clingy and because i know he has a hard time with the breakup) and then he said, quite mean and hurtful stuff, that things had changed (in a month, right.) that he always thought we had a strange friendship, that he didn't have the time and energy for this anymore, and then i said he always said we were friends, and that he said he would help me, then he was like: sure, but that was a month ago. now things have changed, im sorry.
and basically, i've been super nice, because at the end i said that i understand it must not be easy for him to come back to the town, with the breakup, then he was like: im having a great time, its not about this. then i said that he was not over it at all.... and then no replies.
he still has me on fb, and on skype, (he deleted for some reasons, a few people)
and he kept listening to sad songs, etc... so i knew he wasnt over this.

then, a few days ago, he posted on fb an article on loneliness, and he said something like, he knew a bunch of people who should read it. and i know this was targetted at me.

i dont know why suddenly he's being so mean, when i clearly haven't done anything, but be nice.
should i speak to him? i feel like he's angry at me, but would it really be because we haven't talked? i dont know, i'm lost with him. he keeps seeking attention from girls on instagram for "likes" keeps liking all thos girls pictures, to get likes in return, (i personnaly, think its a bit stupid but).

anyway, i need your lights, because it's very hard for me, i mean, i still love him so much, and i don't know why he's being cruel when i just needed help, and asked nicely.
is it because i might have pressured him because i said that because i had just moved, he was my only friend here, and that i really needed his help? i don't know....

Again, thank you so much for your help, and i'm forever grateful you're here


Anonymous said...

Oh and i just want to add (because you have so many people on here) that he is the one who broke up with his girlfriend in January.since then, he has a hard time to get over it (relation of 2 years, even though he still cheated on her, with me)

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror of Aphrodite

Thank you for your great article. Please excuse my poor English since it is not my first language.
came to the point of acceptance and giving up when i read your article.

I met him online 3 months ago and have not met in person. We live half around the world away from each other.

He was really really into me. We texted day and night and video talked every weekend. He sent me photos of his family, friends, and kept me updated with his daily routine. He told everyone about me and talked to my sister once. He sent me cards, gifts, music cd and his shirts( I told him I would love to sleep in his shirts) He told me he's in love with me and booked ticket to come and see me and meet up with my sister before we fly together to his place.

Then 2 weeks ago he stopped texting me. After 3 days i shot him a text to say hi and ask if everything was ok. he said it was ok and we carried our conversation through texts for 3 days. Our talks were not affectionate like before. Then he stopped texting again. The last time i heard from him was 6 days ago.

I know he has been very busy fixing his new house before moving in and worried about his dad's serious illness. But it should not be the reason for him to fade away

I have never acted needy or too crazy about him.
He was a bit disappointed when i postponed a video talk with him. I think he became distant since then. He explained he felt like i disappeared since our last conversation and didnt want to bother me on my vacation so he stopped texting. He expected me to initiate the talk sometimes which i did. But i feel like i would smother him if i keep doing that. So i stopped texting him first.

Its been 6 days since i heard from him and i feel like moving on. I had guys disappear on me before and i dont accept this behavor.

I would appreciate ifi receive advices from you about my situations. Should i take this as a hint that he s just not that into me or he just needs some space

Looking forward to hearing from you. Thank you

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jul 24, 3:59 AM,
"should i speak to him?"

No - doing more of the same will NOT yield different results. You NEVER reward a man for treating you poorly with more of your time and attention.

"he still cheated on her, with me"

If he'll cheat WITH you - he'll cheat ON you dear :-( People are who they are. He was a cheat when you met him, and he's signaling he's still the same man now "e keeps seeking attention from girls on instagram for "likes" keeps liking all thos girls pictures."

The manner in which these situations start out (cheating) is generally the manner in which they end (cheating) unfortunately. He's clearly a man that isn't able to commit - and it appears that hasn't changed at all :-(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

He's interacting with other women dear, and he never committed to you - and chances are, he never will - because he is who he is. Technically he isn't cheating - but as you can see - he isn't committing to you either...so it's best to leave things as they are, do NOT contact him, do NOT respond to him - and begin to move forward with you life as best you can...because he's not interested in being anyone's boyfriend it appears.

Anonymous said...

Hello aphrodite, thank you very very much for your insight, and for taking the time to reply,

this means alot! thank you :)

KRussell said...

Hi Aphrodite...

I am 51, man I was dating was a widower of 2.5 years, 55 years old with 15yo daughter at home. The first three months I allowed him to pursue me, he asked on dates and 3 mnths in went exclusive at his prompting. At that time he shared that he was like an onion peeling layers away. He didnt want that to keep him from having a relationship with me as he was so excited about finding me. We talked about having to see each other more than once a week. He is a busy professional, and lives an hour away.

After we went exclusive, he introduced me to daughter, friends, etc. I spent Memorial day weekend with him as his daughter was overnight somewhere. He told me he was excited for our future, and that he had found someone like me. He shared personal intimate fears and vulnerabilities.

He had been seeing me weekly approximately and talking a couple times a week. Not fast, slow and steady. BUT he had times when it was M Day, Late wives birthday in June, then their anniversary that were clearly hard. Then we talked when I left his house on Sunday and he was supposed to come see me mid week. He didn't offer to as he was experiencing a lot of work, and stress due to it which he explained in depth. Then he said his daughter had a soccer tournament next weekend (she did). He joked and said maybe we could get together in June 2015. I didn't laugh and he said oh no you aren't laughing. I told him it is hard as he knew i had a tough couple of days. I told him I could use a hug and it was hard when we couldn't see each other for two weeks at at a time, (due to tournament). I could tell my comment bothered him. BUT he knew we discussed more time early on and it wasn't happening.

I talked to him a couple times but didn't hear anything for 5 days. On July 4 morning I called him. He said he was sorry he wasn't in touch. On Monday he had a car accident, had work stress due to upcoming meeting, his daughter and he had a tough time as he had to deny a party on the 4th as it was unsupervised and they argued about it, and then said it was his late wife's and his anniversary and to make it worse he totally forgot (guilt).

He said he needed time to work through as he was feeling unhappy. He said it wasn't me. Fast forward to the Monday after and he sent me a text and said, "This is going to be a tough week as I have my presentation to get ready and then we leave for a soccer tournament Fri-Sun in Seattle...sorry!!!!!" I texted him later asking if we could talk as I was going to tell him I was leaving town right after he returned. When he called he went on for 1.5 hours telling me that after Memorial Day his daughter asked about us being "together" and was i moving in. I thought they had discussed this but he said he had sidestepped the sex issue with her. Then he told me about his job stress and meeting in a few weeks, talked about feeling guilty when he left my house after 1.5 days together F Day weekend (guilty for moving on and being happy), he was all over from maybe I should move closer or move in to maybe he wasn't ready emotionally for a relationship. He said maybe he needed to go back and see his counselor from when his late wife died as she said he may have a hard time moving on. He told me it wasn't me that I was great. If he didnt have all these things..daughter, late wife, job stress, he would be moving on with me no doubt as he thought I was amazing. For 1.5 hours he talked. I asked him if he wanted to take time and work on his life and get back with me if he wanted to. He said no, he wanted to talk to daughter while in Seattle and get back to me before I left town.That was almost a month ago,....never have heard anything.

I have not reached out but wanted to send him something. Obviously he moved on and doesn't want me in his life. It is hard as we had a great relationship, very warm, emotional, deep etc.

Do I do anything....heartbroken :(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Do I do anything"

At this point, that's a personal decision for you to make dear. However, realize that it appears that this man has finally realized he's not ready, emotionally or otherwise, to move on into a new relationship :-( I think he thinks he's doing what's best given his current circumstances.

So if you decide to do anything, just realize that things may not go as you'd like - and be prepared to deal with that maturely, emotionally and otherwise.

KRussell said...

Thanks MOA:

Would you suggest I do anything or just heal my broken heart and try to move on, as much as that seems impossible right now. It is so hard to find someone with his qualities. I am very sad.

Anonymous said...

Dear MoA,

I have posted this comment yesterday but when I clicked on 'publish' it disappeared! so here I go again:
First of all I'd like to thank you for your kindness and attention to your readers, as I have discovered your blog two days ago and it's given me strength to deal with what I'm going through right now.
I am doing this no contact rule now as this guy has disappeared on me after going out for one month casually - no sex (looks like he's dumped me since the last time he kinda stood me up and didn't reply to my text then he disappeared). The problem is I see him at the same gym so there's no way to avoid him completely. My question is when applying the NC rule which I'm doing now and I run into him at the gym, shall I frown and keep walking or smile and keep walking lol ? If I smile and look carefree then it would definitely look fake since of course he knows I'm pissed off that he's dumped me!
My second question is if he texts me later let's say in a week and I reply to him after a week (I'm going to apply mirroring here since I just can't wait 30 whole days to reply. I'm sure if I replied after 30 days he will NOT reply to me and I will lose again since the ball will be in his court again!). the question is shall I reply with a casual thing (which obviously would look fake) or shall I reply with something like: "I've been so nice and kind to you and this is how you repay me? with disrespect?".
I liked him a lot Aphrodite, and although this was casual and not going anywhere for many reasons, it STILL hurts to get dumped, especially when he said he liked me so much and I did too.
Appreciate your insight it would mean so much.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I run into him at the gym, shall I frown and keep walking or smile and keep walking lol"

Always hold your head high, appear pleasant and confident. Don't make eye-contact with him, just carry yourself in this manner in general...happy, confident, independent.

"the question is shall I reply with a casual thing (which obviously would look fake) or shall I reply with something like: "I've been so nice and kind to you and this is how you repay me? with disrespect?"

Neither. You reply with whatever response is appropriate from his contact. If he asks a question, then you answer it. If he says hello, then you respond in kind. That's what mirroring is. I would NOT suggest that you confront him verbally at that time, unless you're prepared to not see/talk to him again. If you do, he'll disappear and he won't respond. In time, the RIGHT time will arise for you to have that conversation. But you don't hit someone with something like that just because they say hello, ya' know? When you do that, you come across looking as if you've been holding it in and you're exploding it out now. People do not respond well to that energy dear. You need to have those conversations when BOTH parties are ready to enter that territory if you truly wish to be heard. Additionally, men who disappear on you...generally are not mature enough to have conversations of this manner anyway. Which is why it's generally best to write them off and NOT respond to them at all, regardless of whether you see them at the gym or not - unless you want a repeat of the entire situation :-(

Anonymous said...

I cannot thank you enough for your prompt response dear! I was getting crazy talking to myself! Thank you so much my dear I highly appreciate your kindness :).


Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror. Thanks for your inspirational articles and insights and for making women smarter. This is my situation. I met a guy online and after communicating for 2 months he flew over last weekend to visit me. I insisted that he stay in a hotel (of course) and we had a lovely romantic weekend, no sex but plenty of kissing holding hands etc. He paid for dinner one night, I paid the next night (a mistake I suspect) but the weekend was fun, we saw a concert, went out for dinners, drinks etc. All the time he was here, I noticed he was online (on Tinder) I thought fine, as we're not exclusive and like any guy, he's bound to look. I made it clear to him when he asked to come to mine that I don't sleep with guys who i barely know and who I'm not in an exclusive relationship with.' He tried but I pretty much shut him down but continued flirting with him saying , maybe one day. Anyway he invited me to visit him and I said 'Sure' although I didn't set a date (stupid in hindsight, as I should have said maybe). he also said he wants to join me in Amsterdam potentially middle of october (do i allow him to come or insist he comes back to London.) Anyway he texted me when he arrived last Sunday (a week ago) and sent all the pictures that he took of us together ( I took none) but he wanted 'to show me off to his friends because you are so beautiful.' (Yup I fell for that). Anyway that was a week ago and since then no contact from him, not a peep he's 'poofed'...he's online on Tinder and whatsapp but zero contact with me. I have NO intention of contacting him and already have other dates set up and am chatting to a few other guys. So my question is when he appears again (which he may not)....I suspect in a few weeks....do I ignore him for 3 days or 30 days.....personally i would have said a week or so and reply saying 'Hey hon, nice to hear from you, how have you been? I'm been pretty busy with people visiting from abroad. Speak soon :) ' The problem is this guy is a good catch and he knows it and i suspect he thinks I'll chase him, he says he wants marriage, commitment etc and I actually don't doubt that he will.... but I think he is enjoying all the FWB that he already has on tap. I don't want to fall into his category, so I'm in it to play smart and see what he brings to the table... and in the meantime I'm keeping my options very open. I've kicked myself for maybe being too keen when he was here but thankfully I set boundaries and stuck to them, so at least we didn't have sex. Any suggestions as to my next move... (I know I need to wait for him to reappear first and if he doesn't well at least he blew a lot of money flying over to try and have sex with me and didn't get it :-).....So how long before before I respond (3 days or 30), do I go to Germany if he invites me there (I previously said I would as he had come here first), do I allow him to meet me in Amsterdam when I'm there, or do I say he needs to come back to London as I'm now unsure...Thanks for your help and advice

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"when he appears again (which he may not)....I suspect in a few weeks....do I ignore him for 3 days or 30 days"

That's a personal decision dear. You can mirror his behavior and disappear for as long as he did, or you can choose to place a 30 day space between you.

"do I go to Germany if he invites me there (I previously said I would as he had come here first), do I allow him to meet me in Amsterdam when I'm there, or do I say he needs to come back to London"

These are all personal decisions you need to make dear. But I will say that in the very early days of dating, it is best to have the man come to you, at least initially, instead of you running to him.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for responding so quickly and for your great advice...you're really doing a great job here :)

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA! As most everyone on here as commented, your advice is so invaluable and the best I have found. I found your site because I was having the "Slow Fade" followed by the "Disappearing Act" done to me, and your advice helped me manage that difficult time perfectly and keep my dignity intact.

As I mentioned, I was with a man for a year and a half, basically a FWB/LDR situation where we would talk, text a few times a week, and meet once a month for a date and sex. On occasion, we would take small trips with each other. During the last trip that we took, my guy acted more "into" me than he ever had. He told me that he had never felt this way about anyone before and was all over me the entire weekend. I ( stupidly) shared that I felt the same way ( Now I know better!). Pretty much the next day and for the next few months, I sensed a distancing from him. First, the tone of his emails changed. We went out to lunch and everything seemed normal. I joked around that I thought he was going to break up with me during the lunch ( I know- I appeared insecure!). He appeared surprised and confused by this, yet after this lunch, the distancing became more pronounced. Emails took one week to respond to and no plans were made to get together. I have a beach house, so, before the weekend where everything changed, I had invited him there- so after 3 months of distancing behavior, he still wanted to come to the beach house for the weekend ( I know- for the sex). Everything went fine during the weekend and my behavior was flawless as far as playing it cool. His behavior was almost as it had always been during our relationship. He blamed his recent distancing behavior on being "busy" ( I know- textbook). Everything seemed back to normal for about 10 days after this weekend as far as communication was concerned, then I didn't hear from him at all for 2 months. I had sent him an email, then silence on his end. Because I had read your advice, I did not attempt to contact him again. At the 2 month mark, he contacted me acting like nothing had happened and asking if I wanted to get together for lunch. I was astounded and didn't respond at all for several weeks. I began worrying that I was appearing bitter rather than aloof , as I had intended, so I sent a very short aloof response stating basically that I was doing well. He responded the next day with a very friendly text saying that he "got the feeling that things had changed" ( No Kidding!). I ignored this comment and responded to some questions he had asked. A few days after this exchange, he sent me a text wanting to meet up for lunch soon. I know I should say "No" and move on, but want to let him know I'm indifferent and doing fine without him. What do you think of all this Mirror? What are your thoughts about the relationship. From all of your advice that I have read, you're right that it's rare that women can have a casual sexual relationship. I felt totally used and rejected when this happened to me. Should I or should I not meet up with him? I have a feeling that you're going to tell me that he's fishing around for sex and I should not meet up, but I do miss the friendship ( via phone call, texting, email) that we had. I guess I want to meet up as a way of feeling that the relationship( and I) mattered and to show that I'm doing fine. I can tell you, I'll never get into a relationship like this again- way too painful:(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 29, 5:51 PM,
"basically a FWB/LDR situation"

I'm sensing confusion already dear - because it's either a FWB casual dating, non-committed situation - or it's a LDR, a committed relationship. FWB isn't a relationship - it's a casual "arrangement" and a relationship is an entirely different thing.

"he sent me a text wanting to meet up for lunch soon. I know I should say "No" and move on, but want to let him know I'm indifferent and doing fine without him."

Saying no is what lets him know you're indifferent and moving on dear. Saying yes is what tells him you're still there, ya' know?

"What are your thoughts about the relationship"

Well, I hate to say this dear - but this wasn't a relationship :-( It sounds like it was definitely FWB, and that when he sense you started to view it as a relationship...he pulled back. And I think his surprise at this, "I joked around that I thought he was going to break up with me during the lunch..He appeared surprised and confused by this" was because he may have been surprised that you were viewing this as a relationship. Meaning, when it's FWB - there can be no breakup - because there is no commitment to break up.

"I felt totally used and rejected when this happened to me"

I know dear, and I'm sorry that this happened to you. That's why I do not advocate that women settle for this type of situation. It's never fulfilling, and it actually tends to produce a lot of emotional damage - it can be very self-destructive :-(

"Should I or should I not meet up with him?"

If you can handle seeing him, and possibly being intimate with him, and then him leaving and possibly not calling or seeing you again for a few weeks or even months - then proceed. If you cannot do that - do not proceed - because you will be walking head long right into a lot of pain for yourself.

"I want to meet up as a way of feeling that the relationship (and I) mattered"

Personally dear, I do not think meeting him would be good for you. I think it would cause you pain. Why? Because you're viewing this as a relationship. And the more I read, the more this sounds as if it was a casual FWB non-committed arrangement - and not a relationship. If you view this as a relationship, and then you go see him, if he does not stick around....it's going to crush you. I would not walk into that situation if I were you. I don't think you're ready to see him yet, because I think your emotions are invested here. I do not think it will be safe for you to see him, until you no longer view this as a relationship, and when your emotions are no longer invested in it.

"I can tell you, I'll never get into a relationship like this again - way too painful"

Then don't go see him dear. Because going to see him - IS getting into this situation again. Going to see him, is willingly walking right into it, ya' know?

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much Mirror. You're so right. I WAS looking at a FWB situation as a relationship and I needed someone to point that out to me. You are so great at pointing out what needs to be seen, but in a gentle, caring way:) Thanks to you're advice, I'm NOT going to meet him. Can you advise me on the exact words I should use to decline his request to meet up? I want to appear nonchalant , not bitter....

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 30, 12:24 PM,
"Can you advise me on the exact words I should use to decline his request to meet up?"

I'd pull a slow fade here instead of directly communicating where your head's at with this for a couple of reasons. First of which - it's really none of his business where your heads at right now. Because he's not your boyfriend, you're not committed to him and this isn't a relationship...so you don't have to answer to him or explain yourself to him. Doing so will only hand over your power to him, as if you DO have to answer to him, which you don't.

Secondly, I think directly communicating where you're at right now could put you at risk. Meaning, it could lead to a hard conversation and right now, you're vulnerable. You don't want to be having hard conversations when you're vulnerable with forces that you're in a weakened state to resist (i.e. him).

So for those reasons, I would suggest an excuse of some sort. Now isn't a good time for you, you've been really busy lately and unfortunately, you've obligated yourself to other plans. It's okay to be vague here, and it's okay to pull the fade here because this isn't a relationship and let's face it, the slow fade is how these things generally end anyway. Better you pulling it on him, than him pulling it on you, because eventually, someone's gonna' pull it anyway, ya' know? It's natural for situations like this to slowly fizzle out...so I'd simply let that process take place. And I think if done in that manner, as time goes on, you'll develop more strength. And if he eventually does confront you on the matter and asks why you're refusing, then you can have that conversation then...at a much later time...and once you're stronger and in a better position to wade through it :-)

Anonymous said...

Mirror, thank you SO much for your advice. I feel like you helped me dodge a bullet here - to my self esteem! Speaking of self esteem, as you can sense, my self esteem is pretty damaged from being in this FWB situation:( What advice would you give, to help me and others who've been in a similar situation, to improve my confidence and sense of self worth ( aside from ending the relationship)? You're helping so many people here with your insights and advice MOA. Again, thank you SO much:)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 30, 3:30 PM,
"What advice would you give, to help me and others who've been in a similar situation, to improve my confidence and sense of self worth (aside from ending the relationship)?"

Things here will help:


But probably one of the biggest things that will help - is to learn to develop the skills to love YOURSELF. Start recognizing what a wonderful person you are. Start recognizing the good you bring into the world and do for others. Start recognizing that you are valuable:


I know those things are somewhat intangible, you can't run out to the store and buy them and no one can come along and hand them to you. I realize they're not immediately available. But there is no magic pill. There is no quick fix. It took years of poor treatment to create the problem, so it may take a year or two of self-love to correct it.

But that's okay. Because investing in yourself is one of the greatest investments you can make. The time will be well spent and depending on the progress you make, you may even start to feel better in a month or two, and it only grows from there.

Change always - always - starts with yourself. And it will be uncomfortable. Expect it to be. If you're not uncomfortable, you're not doing the work. When things are in transition, they're in flux so that's a normal state to be in and you'll have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable for a while.

And once you start to feel a bit better, start casually (no sex) dating other men. But don't look at them as potential partners at first. Go into it looking to socialize, to broaden your social circle, and make new friends. Don't take them seriously at first. Because the point isn't to jump into another relationship...it's to learn to pace yourself around men, to stand your ground with them, to not give into them and to stand independently in front of them, steering the wheel yourself. Online dating is good "practice" for this - but when dating online, you have to be tough - it will toughen you up because you'll experience "all kinds" there, that's for sure LOL. But if you don't take them too serious and you look at it as socializing...eventually you will find that all of the above becomes much easier and you will feel more confident around men and about yourself.

But the work starts with you dear...and then you gradually build on that, slowly spreading your wings, until you take that leap out of the nest and learn to fly again :-)

Anonymous said...

Thanks Mirror- you have such great insight- I really value your advice:)

Anonymous said...

Hello ladies ,
I met guys on line and I will tell you it's very challenging . They have a buffet of p...y available to them and these men become very lazy. This is how I handled the madness.. If a guy views your profile or pokes you multiple times , do not and I mean do not contact him first, if he adds you to his favourites but does not bother to write you a message , might as well block him. I've had this guy poke me 20 times, I was not flattered I started to take it personally, ( we're is fingered crippled? Hell no , just plain lazy.) when he finally made contact he acted like what didn't you message me? I thought to myself , this is hilarious but I'm going to play a little with his ego , so my response to him was
I thought a psycho cat kept poking , because I'm sure as hell humans who genuinely want to meet someone do not do that , guess what he apologized and he told me that girls normally initiate contact, see girls we are turning men Into lazy men. My next thought is .. All my serious relationships were not with guys I met online, they started with guys I met face to face by chance. Those are the ones that know how it works. This whole online is too much , ever met guys online that will invite you to go for a coffee as a second date ?(it kills me ) they are the worst :( they are seeing God knows how many girls and let's face it it does get expensive if you buy 6 or 10 diff girls dinner movie etc....politely refuse to be treated like that , every woman should be woed the right way. Also the men women meet on line, do not play the disappearing act on purpose, he simply has so many dates line up he just rotates, that's online dating in 2014 for you ... So sad
Thanks ladies and MOA for sharing your experiences and helping others in need .

Anonymous said...

Hi All,
I've been experiencing the Disappearing Man Syndrome (DMS? :D) for a year and a half. He made the inital advances and then I, naturally, messed up and began pursuing him. Ooops :(. I won't go into ALL the details atm; so many of you (too many of you) already know this story. There are three things I wanted to share:
1) I found this blog seven or eight months ago, but I wasn't ready to believe in it at that time - I still thought too well of this guy, had too much faith in him. But I bumped into it again recently and this time, I was ready to hear the message. I should have listened sooner! But I just wanted to let everyone know - sometimes, you have to be ready to listen (like an addict, hitting rock bottom). And also, if you can listen sooner rather than later - you will save yourself so much sorrow.
2) MOA - THANK YOU from the depths of my heart for this blog and your thoughtful, concerned, and sometimes quite humorous comments! Your points are insightful, and make excellent sense and I am so grateful for the benefit of your experiences and views. Thank you for not getting tired of saying it over and over again! Sometimes, we need to hear things over and over to really get the point :) And also, thank you for having this blog - for me to find (and ignore :) ) and come back to ...and keep returning to, whenever I need strength and support for my decision to initiate No Contact. Which brings me to...
3) Thank you also to all of you who have shared your stories! Every time you post something, it's another chance for someone like me to read it and think "yep, that story sounds like mine". And when I or someone else thinks that, that means something positive is already coming from the pain you've experienced, which is a tremendous gift to give. Knowing that we're not the only ones experiencing this and that we do have the power to take control of these situations is incredibly uplifting. Thank you for taking the time and energy to share.

Anonymous said...

Hello Ladies, I am going through a similar situation right now. A guy has disappeared on me for about a week now. We have been dating since November 14. He lives about 2.5 hours from me. He is 46 and I am 42. I have never been married and have no children but I want both. He was briefly married in a civil marriage and has a 15 year old daughter from the marriage. He was also engaged. Don't know for how long though. Anyway, he found me on a dating website (we have the same religion in common). We met halfway for the first two dates. He came out this way for the third and the last two, I went out there. From the beginning, he said we had so much in common and he really liked me a lot. It took me a little bit longer to warm up to him but he started growing on me from the third date and I am really beginning to like him. He has treated me well, had long phone conversations, asked about me, my family, can talk about world events., etc. He also goes weekly to church, like me, which is important to me. One flag I can mention: I haven't met his daughter yet. She lives with him. He said she is OK with us dating, she likes to be in her room, talking online, etc. I have seen pictures of her, so she does exist. Her mother rarely bothers with her anymore. So, it is like she doesn't have a mother. When I came down the last time, I stayed at his apartment, on his couch in the living room. This was our 5th date. As soon as I got there, he hid my stuff and said he would tell his daughter it got too late for me to go back and I was staying over. So, he never told her ahead of time I was staying over. We went into NYC and had a great time at a museum, St. Patrick's Cathedral and the Rockefeller Center tree. He took pictures since I didn't have my camera with me. He kissed me in front of the tree. He always holds my hand walking down the street, walks on the outside near the street, holds my hand in the car and kisses me for no reason. I told him when we got back for dinner not to put his tongue in my mouth when we kissed ( didn't want that yet). When we got back to his apartment, we went to his bedroom where he has another couch and his main TV set. We sat there and made out. He said he was so glad I came down, this was nice and it was so important for our relationship. I agreed. He wanted to go exploring near my chest and he asked me if that was OK and I said not yet. When it was time for bed, he said the couch in his bedroom was more comfortable. I refused and said I would sleep on the one in the living room and said good night. Got up the next morning early because we were getting a storm. He kissed me goodbye. I texted him that I got home alright. He texted me glad I got home. I called and left a message that night to just talk. The text was the last I heard from him. So, any thoughts about what went wrong? I am going to call him tonight. I am one of those women who needs answers or sadly, closure. I just can't believe that this ended after he said it was so important to our relationship that I came down and we made out. Also, unlike the week before where he sent pictures he took of me in his hometown, I never got the ones he took that night. I am really upset. Thanks for listening and helping me! So glad I came across this blog!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 12, 2:29 PM,
"I called and left a message that night to just talk. . .I am going to call him tonight"

NO, don't call him. Do not pursue this man - HE should be pursuing YOU. And if he doesn't do that, you don't need closure because the answer is already being provided in his ACTIONS (or lack thereof), you don't need him to say it or spell it out for you.

This is a crucial time in a budding relationship where 90% of women go wrong. Women tend to let the man be a man and take the lead at first. But then, after a couple of nice dates, the woman suddenly spins things on it's head by jumping in and stepping into the masculine role (leader, initiator, pursuer), instead of remaining in her feminine role (submitting to the man's lead if you so choose).

Men are attracted to feminine energy (submissive). They are not attracted to masculine energy (leading) and it's the number one reason why many a man disappears once a woman starts expecting more. And by expecting more, I mean signaling through her actions and behavior that she expects a relationship to emerge from what is currently only a casual dating situation.

Which leads me to my next point - when only casually dating (occasionally and sporadically, with no commitment requested from the woman by the man) you cannot expect relationship type communication (regular and consistent, with a commitment in place).

In otherwords, if you reverse the roles here and start to step into the masculine role (initiating the communication) and also signal that you expect regular communication (commitment) or question why you're not hearing from him (show insecurity, anxiety or increased expectations) - it will backfire on you and the man will most likely begin to distance himself.

If you assume your feminine role, that of submitting to his lead, and permit him to maintain his masculine role - then dating becomes very easy and things remain crystal clear:

- If the man continues to pursue you, chances are he's genuinely interested.
- If he doesn't, then he isn't.

Problem solved - no questions, no confusion - all is crystal clear.

As a woman you don't have to "do" anything when dating - other than decide to submit to the man's lead or not. That's it, that's all you have to do. And if you permit everyone to remain in their roles, there is NEVER any confusion.

Confusion comes in when the woman attempts to take the lead to try to control the speed at which the situation moves forward. The man becomes confused by the woman's sudden turn on a dime and wonders why she's changed and seems more demanding, the woman becomes confused by the man's sudden hesitation he's experiencing caused by her new behaviors as he's now using caution - and before you know it. . .the situation is dead in the water.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"any thoughts about what went wrong?"

Well, honestly - I don't see that the man was "investing" himself in any way from the get-go unfortunately :-( The answers are ALWAYS in the ACTIONS and not the WORDS:

"We met halfway for the first two dates. He came out this way for the third and the last two, I went out there."

So from day one, this man never even bothered to come to you, the woman. He met you halfway the first time, and only came to you one time total. The other times were you "do, do, doing" in that you met him halfway and then traveled to him twice after that and from then on. Meaning, you were already signaling a willingness to "settle" and put yourself out for him from day one. And unfortunately, once you do that with a man, they will expect that of you from then on. Once you settle, or start "do, do, doing" for them (compromising yourself to accommodate them) they'll never up their game and instead they'll think, "Hey, if it was good enough the first time, it'll be good enough the rest of the time." Men, by nature, are wired to follow the path of least resistance and as women, it is our job to ALWAYS challenge them to rise above and be the best they can be and bring their best selves to the plate if they want a swing at a home run.

And it appears to me that from day one, this guy was making little to no investment of himself. Instead, he was getting off easy. And yes, when you challenge a man, you risk losing them. But who cares? Because you don't want to be dating a lazy man that isn't willing to make invesments of himself in you in any way (time, energy, effort, etc.).

It's a great way to filter those worth your time (those showing they're genuinely interested through their ACTIONS) from those that aren't worth your time (those that are not taking any ACTIONS and thereby showing they're not genuinely interested in a relationship).

Anonymous said...

Ok, Just a little clarification. He pursued me from the beginning. He wrote to me online. He initiated all of the phone calls. He was more "into me" than I was into him. I also don't understand what the big deal is about meeting halfway in the beginning. He initially asked to meet me in NYC which was a bit much for a first date and I refused. So, we met halfway. I live in a very rural area and with a few exceptions over the years if anyone was local. I have always met halfway for the first date because I am so far away from other people I have dated. I also feel more comfortable having a man meet halfway before I get to know him. I really don't want him to know where I live in the beginning. So, no offense, but aside from me telling him no to NYC for the first date, I don't think my meetups were that bad. He wanted me to see the town Christmas tree and I also applied for a job in his town and not because of him. I am currently underemployed and not doing what I want to do and will have to move away from my current location for lack of jobs. The job I applied for fits my background perfectly. So, I also dropped off a resume in person. The last weekend, he invited me to NYC to see different attractions. He obviously has to come up here and there has to be compromise. Otherwise, it won't work. But I am curious why you didn't address his daughter. I apologize I left this out before. He said it was important for him to be near his daughter and not be too far away. I find that odd as she is 15. Not saying I want him to ditch his daughter. But the whole situation with that is strange.

I appreciate the comments about men pursuing women. Aside from him not coming to my hometown in the beginning, I really don't see where I pursued him.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 12, 6:32 PM,
Well, I had written in my response to you where women have a tendency to flip the script on men after a couple good dates, and in doing so, many times the man begins to distance himself. And the reason for that is because the woman is now changing her behaviors and stepping into the lead role. And when that happens, men do consider that pursuit. Men consider a woman phoning them pursuit. And you wrote:

"He pursued me from the beginning. . .He initiated all of the phone calls. . .I called and left a message that night. . .I am going to call him tonight"

If things began with HIM pursuing YOU, then that's how they should remain if you really want to know if this man is genuinely interested in a relationship or not. If you begin pursuing him (yes, men consider women phoning them pursuit), then he may begin to distance himself due to the change in behavior.

"I also don't understand what the big deal is about meeting halfway in the beginning."

I explained that in detail. It's about him not making any "investments" in you. It's about things not being fair and balanced. He makes one trip, you make two. As trivial as that may seem, in the nuances of "unspoken" language that takes place when dating, it says a lot about his intentions (that he's not making a fair amount of investment).

"I also feel more comfortable having a man meet halfway before I get to know him. I really don't want him to know where I live in the beginning."

You don't have to tell them where you live - but they SHOULD be coming to you, to your town, in the early days. When a woman starts meeting a man halfway or paying for her half of the date, she's placing herself into a "buddy" situation with the man instead of a woman that is being "courted" for a relationship. And if that continues, there's a very high likelihood it will lead to a "F buddy" situation and a relationship will never emerge.

"I am curious why you didn't address his daughter. He said it was important for him to be near his daughter and not be too far away.""

Because I'm not really buying what he's selling there. I do not believe that this 15 year old needs constant 24/7 supervision and companionship. As a matter of fact, most 15 year olds despise hanging out with their parents at that age. I honestly feel this is just an excuse for him not to "invest" and do his part here. I feel he wants things easy, he wants things convenient, and he wants to hold the power in the relationship and be the one calling the shots. Because his ACTIONS have indicated that:

"He initially asked to meet me in NYC. . .We met halfway for the first two dates. He came out this way for the third and the last two, I went out there."

"But the whole situation with that is strange."

It is - which is why I'm not buying it. I'm not buying that this man can't leave his daughter for a few hours an evening here and there to date you properly. He was able to come your way once before, and he should be able to do that in the future. And if he chooses not to, that's a red flag (that he's not willing to make any "investment" in a relationship with you).


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Aside from him not coming to my hometown in the beginning, I really don't see where I pursued him"

I didn't say you were pursuing him. I simply warned against flipping the script and beginning to do so "I called and left a message that night. . .I am going to call him tonight".

It's okay if you don't agree with me dear. I realize my views do not represent the entire population's views and I also realize that many people strongly disagree - and I'm okay with that. I don't do this so that I get the reassurances that folks accept my views. I do this to help women keep things fair and balanced so they don't get emotionally run over and left for dead by a man. I do this to help women maintain their dignity and to help them keep their self-esteem and confidence levels intact. And I realize my perspective can be a hard pill to swallow at first.

But - if you read the comments on this site from other women and their experiences and their use of my views, you will find that many of my readers come back for more and stick around in the community - because they find truth in what's shared here once they begin applying it. They find it works. They find that it makes them less anxious and makes dating less stressful. The find value in the messages and lessons learned shared here and that's enough for me, I don't need the entire world to agree and I accept that many won't. So it's okay to agree to disagree on this.

But before you go, I would suggest that you surf the site, read the articles and read the comments and stories shared. If you do, you will begin to see repetitive themes that play out and patterns that begin to emerge. And through long term observation of those subtle themes and patterns, it IS possible to begin to see where things can go wrong and what needs to change - before they fully go wrong. And most of those problems start on day one when a "power" imbalance begins to develop, where the woman is "do, do, doing" too much to accommodate the man from day one and the man is investing very little of himself - and then things are put into place unfairly and off balance. This power imbalance then ultimately places the woman into the vulnerable position of potentially being taken advantage of, and then discarded after a few months.

Again, you don't have to agree with that, but I would urge you to be open to considering that there may be tremendous value in the subtle "unspoken" communication that takes place between a man and a woman when dating - and the insights to be gained through that long term observation of those patterns of behavior.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 12, 6:32 PM,
I should add that my overall view of the situation is that this man was signaling early on a lack of willingness to make any real "investments" into the situation and I consider that a red flag when dating. He was also signaling that he preferred things be convenient for him. Add to that the fact that this man began to distance himself when he didn't receive sex and when you phoned him afterwards.

He was making very little investment from day one and when he didn't receive sex, he bailed. To me, from my perspective, it appears as if this man's real intention from day one was only a casual sexual affair - rather than investing in a long term relationship. When a man truly wants a long term committed relationship with a woman, he makes "investments" in her - he'll do the "work" required to make that relationship happen.

However, when a man is only in it for casual dating or a brief fling, he won't make those "investments" that a real relationship requires. And that's why I say that the man's ACTIONS from day one can actually signal his intentions for you - if you pay attention to that "unspoken" language.

I should've also shared this for further explanation of the "pursuit" concept by women. This piece is written by a man and is well worth the read - and I wholeheartedly, as a woman, agree with this man 100%:


I hope that helps to clarify the concept a bit for you.

Anonymous said...

Also adding to Mirrors comment you have to be aware that sometimes guys with children can use them as an excuse to hide behind in order to avoid commiting for whatever reason. If she's 15 girls that age love sleep overs at their friends...I wouldn't be too quick to buy that excuse in case it's a cop out...

Anonymous said...

I've been reading through comments which have been very useful.
I wandered if anyone could give me any advice as not sure what to do!!
I started dating this guy 4 months ago, after about a month I made the mistake of acting pushy, we stopped seeing each for about a month but was in contact as I walk his dog occasionally. I then initiated meet up and he said how he had missed me. We had a lovely evening out, I went home. (We have previously been intimate) he invited me to his the following 2 weekend s running, he then had time off work, he bought me a lovely painting as a gift just before Christmas we met up 3 days running for dog walks. I then didn't hear from him for 5 days so I txt him, he appologised for being quiet, asked my christmas plans, I suggested meet I y p, he said that would be nice, so I went round boxing day evening, he made some food, I stayed, in the morning he makes me cups of tea, I always head off early as I've got horses to attend to. I've not seen him since, he's contacted a couple of times, admitted he I's freaking out about getting close to me (he's been single 2 years and is getting a divorce, no children ) I've been single 5 years after a very horrible relationship so I'm in no rush. I said it was understandable eyc and I was happy to see how things went.
He txt last Friday and nothing since, he's either forgotten or ignored my birthday on Tuesday, when I last saw him he kept talking about my birthday and how he would treat me to a massage as I deserved it, my friends say I should txt him but I don't know what to do. He didn't seem the type to be so ignorant but to ignore my birthday is very hurtful. :(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 15, 1:21 PM,
"my friends say I should txt him"

I know they mean well, but chasing a man down and pursuing one that's already skittish and uncertain to begin with - rarely, if EVER, ends with the desired outcome and nine times out of ten, backfires and causes the man to feel pressured and distance himself even more.

It's much better to let him MISS you to the point that he's curious enough that HE is compelled to contact YOU ;-)

Desperation doesn't look good on anyone and when a woman pursues a man and initiates contact to remind him she's alive. . .men do interpret that as desperation, and it's not the impression you want to give anyone.

Instead, let silence speak FOR you. Don't reach out, be patient, let him MISS you - and let him feel GUILTY about not acknowledging your birthday - so that he DOES contact you, and then even takes it a step further to make it up to you.

Silence WILL speak for you - IF you let it ;-)

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