"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

Men Disappear And Reappear: The Aftermath

“A consequence, especially of a disaster or misfortune, a period of time following a disastrous event.” ~ Definition of Aftermath

Over the last several years, and as of late, discussions have been building here centered around dating, particularly concerning men who disappear and reappear magically at whim, months or even years later.

I’ve read a lot of discussions where men state their reasons for performing this “disappear reappear” act and I see the same thing repeatedly:

“I don’t want the confrontation, tears or pleading. I don’t want to explain that I was becoming increasingly unattracted to her in some manner. It’s easier this way, for her and I both.”

One could agree with this, maybe it is easier on women if he just disappears rather than endure a sit down that involves hearing those harsh, hurtful truths. But either way you slice it, there are consequences for the actions.

The thing that truly amazes me is just how little men actually know of those consequences because for them, it’s more akin to a hit and run. They don’t stick around for the fallout. We all know that women are the more compassionate, sympathetic, emotional creature of the two. Men seem to suffer little to no emotional baggage after this scenario – and what they don’t know is – women suffer tremendously from this scenario.

It Has Been Said Throughout History That Woman Was Created For Man

If you believe that, it’s understandable that she would be the more loving and compassionate of the two. After all, her place and reason for being is to calm the savage beast and give the gift of life, no? Many believe her existence was brought about to provide a place of solitary, loving sanctuary, acceptance, a form of release – and to provide him with offspring and perpetuate the species.

I hear lots of men complain about “effed up women” these days. You know, the women with issues, crazy women, psycho women, women who are emotional train wrecks, women who cry at the drop of a hat . . I’ve heard all of it.

And most of these statements are minimized by being followed up with a “Hmph” and a grin.

It’s been my experience that the men tossing these comments around the most are the ones out there doing the most damage. Not all men do this, but the one’s complaining about all these “effed” up women out there seem to be the biggest culprits in contributing to the issue.

I’m not creating this article to bash men. I love men. I can’t tolerate punks and a**holes though. That I will admit. There’s a big difference between gentlemen and punks. The point of this article is not to encite a gender war, but rather, strike up an open dialogue between the two in the hopes that the conversation can help others – both men and women – to better understand and respect one another.

I started this piece with the mention of the infamous disappearing act many men pull these days. I’ve decided to approach this discussion via the lens of the aftermath. Because it seems it’s a woman’s dirty little secret, the aftermath she experiences after being treated this way. It’s something women discuss amongst themselves, but it’s rarely a topic men are permitted to be a part of.

But before I get started, ladies . . . I want you to take notice of this fact while reading below:

Men Project Outward - Women Project Inward

Ladies, stop blaming yourselves and realize there’s nothing wrong with you. He just wasn’t right for you. It’s that simple. Don’t over analyze and read anything further into it. Stop looking for the problem and accept the reality.

Men, stop projecting blame in an outward manner and realize that women need closure for emotional reasons. If you’re tired of meeting crazy women, stop adding to the problem. You’d be amazed at how treating a woman with a little respect can turn her into a well balanced, rational human being overnight.

The aftermath I’m about to list below that immediately follows when a man disappears and reappears works both ways, too, but not to such an extent with men. Men are not as quick as women to take the blame or project their thoughts on the matter inwards and onto themselves. They tend to project outwards, many times, onto their next road kill, even if unintentionally.

Women tend to project inwards and onto themselves, looking for where they went wrong, what they did wrong. Trying to consciously control this type of thinking sounds easier said than done and what men need to understand is that - women are women. They have deeper emotional connections than men and I believe this is, in part, directly related to their ability to grant life – give birth.

I mean, what greater emotional connection on earth could there be, right? You grow another human being inside your body and you endure great pain bringing that life into this world and you understand all of the complexities involved. Imagine if woman did not have the compassionate, loving, enduring nature she is born with and the various complex emotions to feel and experience empathy?

What kind of a mother would she be then?

Men, women HAVE to have these varied emotions for many reasons and what you need to understand is that they really do need to be treated with respect in order to fully be well balanced, rational and remain loving in nature. To disrespect the emotions women were born with or expect them to “just get over it” and wash them away is really a very barbaric notion. It would be like asking her to remove and wash away all the very things that make her tick and possibly, even her entire reason for existing.

After all, isn’t it the warmth, loving acceptance and pleasure a woman provides to you that draws you to her in the first place? Her emotions are very necessary if she is to love you in the unconditional manner you request of her.

Having said that, let’s get started. Below, I am listing the various stages a woman experiences when a man disappears and reappears. Seen as how that’s the number one reason women show up here, I figure we can all benefit from a little open discussion on the matter.

The Aftermath When Men Disappear and Reappear

Stage One: Shock.  The kind of shock that’s a huge blow. Imagine a woman is wearing a shiny suit of armor. Let’s use that shiny suite of armor as a metaphor from this point forward, a symbol of her sexiness and approachability. Now. . .take a swing at that armor with a sledgehammer. See the big, giant dent left behind?

Stage Two: Increased Anxiety. Anxiety that is heightened to such an extent, it brings on bouts of worry and despair that can be unbearably dark. I think every woman truly wants to make a man happy. Rejecting her loving nature and the things of value she has to offer you can be truly devastating. That shiny suit of armor she’s wearing, her sexiness? Take two big handfuls of mud and sling them onto it. Now there’s a big dent and she’s covered in mud. Not quite so sexy anymore, huh?

Stage Three: Self Blame. Is there something wrong with me? Why didn’t he like me? What did I do wrong? When this stage sets in, she’s taking that shiny suit of armor off, standing it up against a tree and hurling a slew of rocks at it. Small chinks are being punctured into it, tiny dents are now facing its muddy surface and the initial giant dent is looming larger than ever.

Stage Four: Worry. Will anyone ever love me? Will he ever come back? That shiny suit of armor is still off, standing up against the tree only this time, she’s swinging away at it with her sword, inflicting long open gashes across its surface. Swing, swing, swing away.

Stage Five: Anger. I will never speak to him ever again. He’s a dirty, rotten scoundrel. She decides to fight the good fight. She’s ready to enter the battlefield again and she’s put the now not so shiny suit of armor back on in an attempt to offer herself some form of protection for the next round. Her sexiness, yea . . . she’s trying it back on. She’s attempting to slip into this dented, filthy dirty, gashed and chinked lackluster suit of armor once again.

Stage Six: Acceptance. There she is, suited up and ready to go, having accepted defeat yet willing to fight another day. Based upon the appearance of her once shiny suit of armor, it’s clear to tell that something is forever changed. Something just doesn’t feel right. It’s obvious it’s not the fit it once was. It’s obvious that she’s not wearing her sexiness as well as she once did.

Stage Seven: The Reappearance. Wait? What’s that I hear in the distance? Could that be the sound of hooves? I see something, it’s white. Wait a minute. Wait. Could it be? Well indeed, it is. Here comes Prince Charming riding proudly high atop his white steed. His suit of armor is gleaming in the sun and he now has some medals of honor attached to it. He approaches with delight – but only for a brief moment. Just enough time to start a fire, gobble down a meal, take a romp in the hay with the now worn and tattered woman he once knew . . . and then it’s off to the next conquest, for there are many worlds to conquer and err . . . dominate.

Stage Eight: The End Result. There he goes, Prince Charming on his white steed, his suit of armor still glistening in the sun. And there she stands, a former shadow of the sexy warrior she once was. Used, abused, battered and bruised. Will she ever wear her sexiness as well as she once did? Will she ever be able to create another beautiful, shiny suit of armor for herself? Or will she simply take to wandering the roadside, like some living form of walking, talking road kill, for another passerby to take advantage of?

The Moral Of The Story

For ladies it’s this: Protect your shiny suit of armor, your sexiness, at all costs. For it is a very valuable thing indeed. Do not rely on someone else to polish it, to care for it, to cleanse it and to protect it. This is YOUR job and your job alone.

Never take any swings at it and never take it off because slipping back into it, you may find the fit isn’t quite as comfortable as it once was. No one can love you unless you love yourself first.

For men it’s this: Realize that women are women and that that’s what draws you to them in the first place. If they did not experience the complex myriad of emotions that you ultimately use against them, they would not be capable of providing you the depths of loving sanctuary and acceptance you so desire deep down inside.

If you want to find a maiden in shiny armor, your equal, a woman you respect, admire and physically desire – then it is necessary to handle all women with great care to increase your chances, to increase your options, to increase the number of desirable women out there to choose from. If you want a gentle creature, you must treat them as the gentle creature they truly are - to ensure they stay that way.

Guys, here’s a little food for thought. Had you shown her a little respect by giving some reason, any reason or discussion to her for the breakup, the scenario above would’ve ended after Stage One. She would’ve had a giant dent in her armor, but it would’ve been easy to pound that out and restore it to its once pristine condition.

Ladies, here’s a little food for thought for you. Had you not given of yourself so freely upfront and without requiring any knightly gestures from the man standing before you, you may not have suffered the first blow quite so devastatingly as it would've been clear to you that he wasn't fully invested.

We all increase our chances of happiness when we respect one another in addition to ourselves.

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Anonymous said...

Thankyou for your reply, I've only just read it, unfortunately last night I ended up texting him, just to see how he was , he'd had a bad week with work, asked how I was, I said I was ok and it wasn't good work was stressful, after a couple of txts I said it had been my birthday, he appologised that he is rubbish at at remembering things like that, I reminded him that when he last saw me he asked when it was and he shouldn't say things he doesn't mean.
He appologised and admired he's better on his own that way he can't hurt anyone, he says he really likes me but can't seem to be able to deal with being intimate, he wants to be my friend still. He even put a sad face with a tear in it as a sign he was sad.

I think I've aloud things to get worse now, he doesn't think he should be happy and I deserve better.
He's actually a really nice guy, but can't seem to deal with relationship, I never used to txt a lot, would leave it to him but then he would think I didn't like him and wasn't interested.
I now feel worse then I did as I didn't give him to chance to miss me, do you think it's too late now after some of the things said?!

Anonymous said...

An additional comments to add to my recent post, I just feel guilty now for making him feel guilty about not contacting me. I listened to my friend who thinks he's a gutless coward who's been leading me on.
All I want to do is txt him and apologise, he's quite sensitive and going by his replies feels guilty.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 16, 6:39 AM,
There's no reason to apologize, you didn't do anything wrong. He feels guilty because he SHOULD feel guilty. That's the natural human response an individual has when they've promised something and then let the person down by not following through.

Do not relieve him of that. It's normal to feel that way and he DID let you down - and on top of it, he told you he doesn't want a relationship with you - so why should you apologize? There's nothing for you to apologize for there and if you make up excuses to contact him in an attempt to string this along, it will only cause tension and make things even more awkward.

Again, silence will speak for you - IF YOU LET IT :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA. Had this boyfriend for over a year now. He sometimes pull the disappearing act for a week or more. What should I do? Should I initiate contact? Shall I ask for an explanation? When he text/comes back, how should I deal with it? Should I be warm & sweet? Should I reply to him immediately? Thanks.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 16, 7:21 AM,
Do none of the above and instead, do this:


Anonymous said...

First of all,I love your page and I'm so thankful for these articles.It propably has saved me from more emberassing moments and tears.I hope you have an advice for my situation.I'm currently living in Japan and been dating a japanese guy here. l had met my (ex)boyfriend online about a year ago.He found me on a website and we started exchanging lots of messages.After a while we arranged a meeting ,which went fine .he could speak english well,a little bit shy but seemed very cute and friendly.I enjoyed the date but i wasn't sure wether there would develope any feelings from my side in future.After the date he continued sending me lots of messages and asking me out for another date.I liked him but I wasnt completely over a guy yet ,so i told him that i had someone else I liked and could only meet him again as a friends.After That he sent me lot of angry desperate sounding messages ,saying that i was playing games with his feelings and that he is crushedHowever,we just had one date,no kiss,no holding hands,no words about us or my feelings to him.
He then begged me to meet him again one last time.
Eventually,our contact stopped and about one year later,I had already completely forgotten about him ,he sent me a message on Fb that he cant forget me,still likes mea nd wants me to meet him again one last time.
I was impressed by his persistance so I wrote back. We then started to exchange messages again ,he kept texting me very often and his messages were so funny and sweet.We decited on meeting again and this time I was super excited to meet him again.About 2 weeks After we've started writing ,we met again and this time i was super nervous.He invitied me to a beautiful restaurant,we talked so much that evening,and by the end of the date,i had lots of butterflies in my stomach.We then had 5 dates wonderful before he asked me to be his girlfriend and got intimitate. We ususally spent the whole day together and eventhough he was busy with work and job hunting he tried to make as much space for me as possible.I was careful not to be too demanding but he suggested Dates by himself. He was very sweet and caring,offering me his help with helping me with moving , having his mother adjusting my new curtains,his old i Phone since mine was almost broken.I was too proud to accept any of these things he offered me ,i wanted to so things on my own and I didnt want to be a burden...Now I fear that was a mistake....

Anonymous said...

He made plans with me to meet his friends or go on trips together,told me he started to learn French for me again and that he's practicing it everyday.
About one month after we started dating officially ,he became very stressed about work.He talked less and seemed tired.
I asked him how he is but he just said:"Please don't ask".As he told me later,he just got rejected for a fulltime position at his current school which must have nagged on him a lot.He also said that he felt very stressed about preparing for an upcoming job interview for which he doesnt have time because he's got two part time jobs.However before we got on our trains that day,we made the plan to go to Ikea together one week later.
While i was on the Train he sent me the message that with every time he sees me he starts liking me and a"I Love you".one week later we went to Ikea by his Car.I could see that he was less attentive and stressed though, he still took my hand.He then brought me to my new apartment but had to leave right after he helped carrying my stuff to my room.
The following days he still continued to write me message all day long until he suddenly stopped.Being confused about not having heard from him in 4 days,I sent him a text saying that i understand that he is busy but not hearing from him for 4 days in a row is too long for me.This was the first time, I ever complained to him about something,there was no reason before anyway.I regret Sending the message immediately ,eventhough I haven't written in an angry voice, it must have sound quite demanding to him.
He finally sent me a reply the next day saying "I'm sorry" and immediately changing the topic.He sent me a picture of his letter of employement to which I congratulated him.He then said"I owe my success to you"
This was the last message i've ever received from him and it has been almost two months already.
Like most people do when their partner pulls back i was trying to get after him,which I know regret.After five days since his last mail,i asked him whether we would meet on Saturday.Since no answer came I asked him the next day,wether i've said or done something on our last meeting that made him uncomfortable.I remember i've been a little bit clingy that day,propably because i was insecure because I felt that something was different.He read it the next day but no answer. Five days later,I asked him whether his silence means that he is breaking up with me and if we are still in a relationship.Since i immediately realised how desperate it sound, I added that it is no problem, if he needs time for himself and that I just would like him to tell me "i'm busy" and then I wouldn't worry.He read it the next day...but nothing.The next days he kept updating his line status non stop.One of his statuses was "tiring"and "too much work"2 weeks later i've sent him my last message saying that i'm sorry ,if i've put him under pressure when he's so busy with work.That i enjoyed my time with him and that i will go back to my country over Christmas. We now should both concentrate on our lifes and when everything has calmed down, should meet for coffee....It has been a month since this message and almost two since I've last heard from him.He hasn't blocked me on What's up or any other page.His facebook still says he's in a relationship..I feel stupid but I still wait for a message.An apology or Even anything.Though i would propably ignore him for a while too.I'm trying to distract myself but it doesnt work,especially ever since i got back.I really liked him so much and was so happy with him.I believed him when he said the same and suddenly....pooof.

Anonymous said...

He's gone and and it has been 1 1/2 months since his last message,which was so positive. I'm hurt and confused.I havent been writing him for a month already and I surely won't initiate contact anymore.All my friends( who don't know him) say I should just move on because its over...but the relationship status makes me believe I might hear from him someday again.Do you think it makes sense to wait for him to reappear?Do you think he's over me?Sorry i just realised how long this message got...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 16, 10:35 AM,
"Do you think it makes sense to wait for him to reappear?"

No. Never put your life on hold for someone else. If you do that, you risk missing other opportunities that are meant for you. Additionally, it's never wise to give more than you're getting - meaning - don't commit to someone who isn't committed to you.

"Do you think he's over me?"

It really doesn't matter. Because his actions (or lack thereof) are actually telling you something. And because he's just up and disappeared like this without explanation, he shouldn't be permitted to step right back into your life anyway.

Anonymous said...

This site and the comments have been so helpful to me as I also deal with a disappearing man. To make a long story short, I was seeing a guy for 3 months. We were moving very slow because both of us are in transition phases in our lives, and so we would meet every few weeks and talk a couple of times a week. After our last date right before christmas, we agreed to meet again over the holidays. The next day he caught the flu and said that he would work on feeling better soon so we can meet up again. I checked in on him once to see how he was feeling, and he replied with a long message saying he was thankful for me asking how he was and how he appreciated that. He was still sick though, so I let him have his space to recover. Nearly a week went by and I sent a text asking how he was. He didn't reply, and since it was unusual of him to never reply, I called him a day later just asking if everything was okay since last I heard he still wasn't well (I honestly thought he was very ill and possibly hospitalized. ha!). I waited a few days and after not hearing back I realized he was pulling away. I felt angry at him for leaving me concerned like that, without even a short reply back to my call, so I sent a message telling him I didn't appreciate his disappearing, and that if he didn't want to see me again he could have just told me rather than leaving me hanging like that. I told him his disappearance made me not interested in him anymore and said goodbye. At this point I just had to send that message out of respect for myself. Well, a week later I get a text back from him just one word "sorry". Now, I admit I feel a bit guilty after I saw this, because maybe I pulled the plug too early without giving him a chance to explain himself. But do you think I overreacted? And also, do guys ever really feel sorry for what they do? I mean, why would he send a sorry a week after if he doesn't care enough to make it work anyway?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 22, 11:33 AM,
"But do you think I overreacted?"

It's not that you overreacted - it's that you reacted - period. When you do that, you signal you care and this reassures them that you're actually still there. Even if you're telling them to buzz off, that's not how they interpret it - hence, the reason he contacted you a week later with "sorry."

You don't have to spell it out for men like this. They're well versed in these matters and silence WILL speak FOR you. . .if you let it. (Meaning, no response to their next contacts, and or waiting just as long as they did to respond - a week or two. If you do that - bingo - they know you're onto them, and that if they want to see you or talk to you, they have to treat you respectfully or the consequence they'll suffer for treating you disrespectfully will be no access to you.)

"do guys ever really feel sorry for what they do"

Depends on the individual - you can't lump all men into one category.

"why would he send a sorry a week after if he doesn't care enough to make it work anyway?"

Because you reacted to his little stunt, which reassured him that you actually DO care, and that you're most likely still there waiting. Men aren't stupid and sometimes they do this on purpose - they're smart enough to know that someone who truly doesn't care doesn't "wait" on responses from them, or take the time out of their day to respond and express their feelings via a text, ya' know?

Unknown said...

i was talking to a guy on pof we are both taurus we talked & got on so great he agreed & said how he had been looking for me for yrs, i said the same to him he said you make me feel special (which i what i do i like to make someone feel good & wanted) i have tried to sort this out but i think he has blocked me on kik, basically i went to a friends house left my bag with my phone in, her kitchen a girl know was there & so was a guy id had a date with im not friends with either of them, now problem is my pof account password was changed & i think a message was sent to him on there or on kik or even both, ive had to set up a new pof account & i messaged him to explain situation it was a real honest heartfelt message & i said i was genuinely sorry but hes now blocked me on pof, will he unblock me? does he just need time to calm down? i cant do anything else, i could kill the bastards for ruining my chance with him, im so gutted it was going so well :( Im hoping he will see im innocent in all this & have tried to fix it i feel sick & i feel like ive hurt him

Anonymous said...

(Apologies for double posting - I don't think my last reply went through to you) Mirror - Thank you for your response. Everything you say makes complete and total sense. At the time I sent that text to him I really felt like I had to say something to stand up for myself, because I just hated thinking that he could get an ego boost thinking there is some girl out there that likes and is waiting to hear from him. It was all about ego, both ways it seems! I am happy to say that I didn't reply to his lame "sorry" text, and I have no intention of doing that at all. Since posting to you the first time I am feeling better and I realize he is not the kind of guy I want to be with if he pulls games like this. I didn't lose out on anyone special - he did! Next time a guy pulls this on me, I'm following your advice and not wasting my time on a text to explain myself. I will let silence speak for me.

Anonymous said...

Bl**dy brilliant!
I like the fact that although you write about some hard facts, you do it with love. Men are men and women are women. But you try to show that all of us are human, on our own journeys....thank you. :)

Anonymous said...

Good lord I should know sex doesn't have much to do with it, a guy that DID run that I WAS in love with who DID break my heart and sucked big time...I never slept with him. Never. I knew him for half a year and lord did I want to but I also didn't want to for various reasons.

Andra said...

Fabulouse blog...

I met this man month and a half ago. We went out 4times every week. dates were great, he was always paying for everything. There was sex involved after second time. But was very gentle, very nice. Anyway I started to get use to pattern of meeting up with him every weekend. So when the following weekend he said that he was busy ( sister came to Lndn, friend Bday) I was little bit disappointed but still fine, we all have our lives. After the that weekend I have initiated contact, he was responding nicely, lenghly showing interests about my weekend ect. We starte to talk about future week so he said he is going gym a loads ( just generally) and have surprise bday party for his flatmate and he said we have to catch up soon... It was not what I have expected so I said... ' Don't worry about catching up, city will keep you busy ;)'... he seemed to be upset with my answer, thinking that we won't meet agai therefore I have rectified day later that ' we will meet when the time will be more convinient' he was happy with. I initiated contact after the weekend, he seemed to be happy, responded lenghly and nicely again with plans where we could meet, he said he really wants to meet up with me, but this week will be very hectic for him and during next weekend he will be going back to hometown so we can meet any day next week ( he is free). He sounded very convincing and carting about the meeting. We agreed for a date on Friday ( a week and half ahead). There was no communication in between. He just confirmed on Thursday. The 5th date was great, he payed for everything, again very affectionate and we went back to mine. In the morning all went fine but he had to leave around 10am... before he was staying till 3.30 or so... but I knew that before we decided to go to mine, that's why he suggested that maybe we should go to his ( because he will need to leave earlier) but it seemed to far so we went to mine. When we woke up and he said he will need to leave shortly even if I knew before I felt a bit weird so said ok ... you are going so I will leave with you to have a breakfast with my friend... Anyway just before leaving his phone rang and it was his exgirlfriend of 8mths, he used to date 5mnths ago . I don't know details of it, just know from FB.As much as I don't know the reason she called Sat morning, it may have been meaningless , it could not, who knows. I don't think he kow I knew it was his ex. Anyway I started to act distant but I didn't communicate it with him. When he was giving me goodbye kiss, he said ... ' see you soon!' and ... ' and I answered ' are you sure??'...cause I was confused with this call... He said... you don't want?... I don't think I answered. The next day I felt a little bit bad about it so texted him, he nicely lenghtly responded... than after 3 days I initiated contact, again he answered nicely and lenghtly but he did not offer to meet up. And since last time he did not initiate contact at all... just responds nicely to my txts... The part of me is saying I scared him off ... or he is not that into me after all... Feel a bit drained with the situation. I must say there is a significant difference in age he is 26, I'm 33...

Anonymous said...

Being friends with men who are mature enough to maintain a platonic friendship with women has helped me trust men. I have a bad picker and I go do these narcissistic types who treat me with disrespect. I didn't get it with the last one, he was starting to dissapear on me. Well in my attempts to get closure and make nice I became angry and messaged a bunch only twice...rather than wish me the best or agree he didn't like me, or say: please never contact me again, he mentioned "restraining order." (I was drunk and being annoying not being a jerk). We had hung out enough, even had a disagreement once where I showed him how calm and reasonable I am. It was unfair. I told him I would delete his number and if I saw him around he had nothing to worry about. Thinking about it now, all the red flags were there...like not following through on simple promises, being a jerk when I communicated I was upset. And I'm almost 100% certain he will be back. But I will approach every relationship now as friends. This guy put on a grandiose show for a week and after we slept together became different and it became clear that I was supposed to do everything in the relationship but if he didn't feel like talking to me that was ok. Because he's so busy and all...well my guy friends are not like this and I'll be approaching every new relationship differently now. I am also taking measures to live my life like I'll never need anyone else. And why, oh why, do I think this jerk will be back, even after the restraining order comment?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 4, 3:20 PM,
"why, oh why, do I think this jerk will be back, even after the restraining order comment?"

Because your gut is sensing he's a jerk and that to him - this is all one big game. . .and he'll return to "play" some more - because that's what jerks do. . .they act like jerks.

Anonymous said...

Similar situation to a lot of these... met a guy, he pursued me, he was the one to push to see me.. he brought me to his holiday parties, to meet his family, i was his date for his birthday dinner... i was visible, he wasn't hiding me, and we saw each other almost every other day for almost 4 months, either staying at my or his house. We then spent a week in europe together. It went extremely well and he told me how much he enjoyed it and we continued to spend time together when we came back. Then his work schedule changed so it was opposite mine.. and he got weird.. texting less, not responding, so yes i sent more texts than i should have but here is a guy who i just spent time with in europe and who i saw everyday and i was concerned about him especially since i knew some of the issues going on in his life at the time. Anyways, this went on for a week and then sent him a final text basically saying that i didn't know what was going on but if he wanted to talk about it i was here for him and if not that was okay too, but could he let me know he was doing ok... he didn't respond for a week and then gave a BS answer that he was having difficulty with home and work stuff and he had been busy. I didn't respond. I figure if he cares, he will send another text. He didn't say sorry, he didn't ask me how I was. I have a feeling that this is over, but can't believe it after how everything was going. I'm thinking the best thing is to let it be.. if he truly is interested and is the one for me i will hear from him, and if not, i wont. But should I even forgive him? Despite him having a difficult situation at home/work its never ok to just ignore someone. I guess we never discussed our relationship other than one time where he told me that he obviously wasn't seeing anyone else because we spent everyday together... i feel naive and stupid to have trusted him but all the signs pointed to him being interested and invested. now what do i do?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 9, 11:52 PM,
"now what do i do?"

Try to move on as best you can dear - try to accept what has happened, don't think about the "what ifs" and stay focused on the "what is" to get you past it.

"should I even forgive him?"

If he ever ASKS for your forgiveness, meaning if he ever apologizes, then you can worry about what to do then. No point in worrying about it now, because he hasn't acknowledged that he's wronged you, nor has he asked your forgiveness.

If he reappears, don't jump on that next communication from him. Make him sweat it out for a solid few weeks (as he's done to you) and see if he amps up his efforts to get a response from you. I wouldn't respond to someone who's disappeared like this on me until they've either apologized, or initiated contact and asked for a "talk" after several of their attempts went unanswered.

He's a grown man - he knows what the RIGHT thing to do is. So force him to do the right thing - or turn your back on him for good if he fails to do that.

Anonymous said...

To Anonymous Jan.16: MOA is giving you everything you need to know and she is extremely accurate. Why keep coming back to try to get another answer? She is telling you the truth. What is wrong today is that women have given their power away by not accepting their traditional, yes, traditional role. My mother always said, what is wrong with the men is THE WOMEN. MOA mentioned this somewhere in one of her comments.Women have cheapened themselves by having sex so fast in the mistaken idea that this is the right way. Without getting all religious on you, I'm telling you for a fact that it's the wrong way. The women in cooperation the lies of the mass media put together, have created a sexually loose environment that is ruining it for everyone. Then the porn and prime-time dirty movies, well, men have access to this AND to confused loose women, so why should they commit? It astounds me to see the losers and unattractive men who seem to be getting lots of 'strange' from desperate women. My Mom said WOMEN HAVE THE POWER and if we employ that power, men have to comply or risk having nothing. I fear it's too late on a global scale for relationships in general. But you as an individual can employ your power by not being a hussy and by following the excellent provisional advice from MOA on this blog. It's your choice. I personally will not have sex unless I marry.I recently made the mistake of fooling around with, but not going all the way with, a really wrong man. Yes, I was a Lucy before but learned that it's morally wrong and produces fizzled-out, short-lived liaisons that hurt.
It's up to you. Follow the broad path or the narrow one. The narrow one has less people on it but they are the ones that will succeed eternally. Men don't like EASY even if they go along with it. It's a double standard that you must understand. Don't let them have anything easily. Deep down inside (unless they're a useless, totally morally corrupt reprobate cretin), a man wants a woman that he WON, a beautiful, clean prize he can cherish. If he runs from this moral beauty, you didn't lose a thing. You retained your virtue. And, virtue is its own reward!

Anonymous said...

MOA I want to personally thank you for providing insight to hurting women. It goes against the grain of the dissolute moral climate being shoved down our throats at every turn of the way, but you are telling the brutal truth to women. I can't believe the moral decay I have to view while simply standing at the check-out in the grocery store. The magazine covers are really appalling. One of them continuously, in huge letters, says SEX TRICKS, this, that and the other. Every issue! Little children who can already read see this garbage. Resist the social engineering! Did that one night stand REALLY make you feel good, or are you left wondering what STD you may have caught because you were too drunk to use 'protection'? There IS NO protection against today's STDs. ladies. Gone are the days when a shot of penicillin could bail you out of syphilis or gonorrhea. You're fortunate if you only get one of those two, and they've mutated. Now there's HPV (humanpapilomavirus) that can give you cervical cancer. The man is the carrier and can't catch it, but he can relay it to you. OMG I cringe to think how I need to thank my lucky stars that I was somehow absolved of my past indiscretions and am healthy. But I no longer push the envelope. No man is worth it. Please ladies...you are valuable. Don't cheapen your values to fit in with the crowd or what the mass media is promoting. MOA you are an emerald, the rarest and most beautiful of gemstones. My prayer is that more women will find your pages and LISTEN.....and LEARN. The men really need to straighten up and the women are the ones who need to realize they have innate power. When a new man comes into your life, you have the right to test him, background check him if you must. Especially if you suspect he may be married, and you met him online. Do it discreetly if you can, but if you have evidence, confront him. If he gets offended, he has something to hide. A genuine man will understand your need to take care of yourself and protect yourself.
There are many sociopaths on the rise in our society so proceed with caution.

Anonymous said...

hi Aphrodite.. I've been reading your blog and posts and have been taking great strength from them, as I too seem to have become the victim on the disappearing act. I met this guy one night, ended up going back to his and staying there for two nights over the weekend, because we were getting on so well - in every way. He then took my number when I went and texted a few days later, which continued throughout the week and until we saw each other again the following weekend, which was again great. I then left - after one night - this time, and have not heard hardly anything from him since. It's now been 10 days and nothing so I texted last night to say I couldn't deal with this kind of ignorance. Still nothing. I am confused and feel disappointed, and upset.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror!!! Thank you so much for tour articles... Your "DON'T BLOW THIS" has really helped me these last few days! I was going out with a guy for 2 months and a half, los of dates, texted every day, met all his friends, he met mine, it all seemed bound to be long-term. However I noticed that two things I told him bothered me, he was defensive. I told him when we had 1.5 months that for me calling was important for me, not only texting ... He didn't seem very flexible about it but then he called me 3 times during the next 2 weeks. Anyways, he was a very lousy communicator and I never knew what he thought overall. Just knew he kept contacting me every day and inviting me out. We went on a weekend getaway with friends and I think he freaked out because I mentioned the calling and one other thing again, not in a nagging way, but probably he didn't like it. The next day when he brought me home I was a little distant and quiet towards him (because during the weekend I felt he didn't initiate conversations with me, he was just -there-).

So during three days after that he would say good morning over text but would not talk to me after 6pm (very unusual). The first time I gave him the benefit of the doubt and said hi the next day, but he continued starting conversation with me, but I felt it was forced, as if he didn't really want to talk. I started acting the same, distant, never asked him what was going on. Then, he just stopped talking to me. Today it has been 6 days of no contact at all. I don't know if he thinks I also wanted this, since I never asked or tried to initiate much once I felt his weirdness... But I guess that doesn't matter.

Two weeks ago he had told me he cared about me... I think I scared him off maybe, but if he never explained anything to me so I could understand how to treat him... What could I do. I honestly don't expect him to ever come back. I could sense he hates confrontation, feeling vulnerable and being rejected, and just the thought of my reaction will stop him.from.contacting me.

However, I am having nightmares every day of the conversation we should've had. I am not sleeping well. I don't know if he "disappeared" since I never asked what's wrong or gave him the chance to ignore my messages. He just atopped contacting me. I am 100% sure he would speak back if I reach him. I don't want to contact him because it will make me feel worse in the long run maybe, what is your advise?

Anonymous said...

Hi it's me again, Anonymous May 14th. I want to add that we had sex a little over one month (after lots of dates), but he never seemed to care much about it, just when opportunity arrived (2weekend getaways), he never told me to go somewhere or anything out of the blue (I am 27, he is 29, we still live with our parents, cultural stuff). According to EVERYONE that knew him from before, when I met him, told me that he is an angel, he is great, he is a very good person, and then he does this. This is why sometimes I think maybe he started feeling uninterested but also rejected by me (although his distance provoked my distant reaction), since he is not the type not to care about those around him. This is maybe why he contacted me for three days in a "fading way" until he felt I was distant enough for him to stop all contact. I just don't understand very well what happened, although knowing he "is not that into me" should be enough. Thanks Mirror.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 14, 9:29 AM,
He sounds a bit emotionally immature and probably a bit insecure as well. Rather than accept your feedback as an adult, his reaction was more child-like, he took it personal instead of opening up and being vulnerable and really discussing it with you in an adult manner, and it seems he just shut down emotionally.

At the very first sign of what he perceived as rejection (even though it wasn't) - he just shut down.

After that it sounds as if he started to sulk and pull back, which then caused you to have the same reaction. I think he knew what he had to do, and just couldn't bring himself to do it. In a sense, you were challenging him to "man up" just a bit and bring a little more to the plate in an effort to fulfill your needs and he couldn't bring himself to do the "work" necessary to have a healthy relationship - nor did he engage in conversation about it.

You said he didn't seem flexible, he knew greater expectations were coming to him as the relationship continued and things progressed, you stated he lacked in communication skills previously to this. . .and, well this is the end result.

I don't think he's ready for a committed relationship. They require work and sacrifice and compromise and as you stated, he simply wasn't exhibiting that he cared to be flexible about it. So there's a chance here that when it wasn't his way, he chose the highway instead.

I also get the sense he's a bit insecure because of his over-reaction to something rather normal that eventually happens in budding relationships (feedback and sharing). When someone takes the slightest bit of information that could possibly be perceived as negative and then registers it as complete rejection, generally it's their insecurities creating that heightened "impact" on them that they end up feeling.

This could've easily blown over as a very real first relationship "test" of sorts, testing how well you both could handle sharing and being vulnerable with each other. It could've ended in a conversation that actually resulted in bringing you two closer together and kinda' bumping your relationship to the next level. But instead, he over-reacted and then emotionally shut down on you until he literally disappeared.

And to me, that has more to do with his level of emotional maturity than it has to do with you.

Anonymous said...

I met someone that I really care about and we only went out about 4 times. Then things changed a bit and he started saying he would call and would not. My sense told me that he does like me, but for some reason he just doesn’t seem to be able to move the relationship forward.
I did keep from contacting him many times and applied no contact. This is the first time I have ever tried this and I was always surprised to hear from him again a week or so later, and he would be attentive (through text mostly though) and then he would go back to making promises he couldn’t keep.
The first few times I did not say much, the next time I talked to him on the phone when he called me to cancel plans, and finally this last time I reacted and responded in a way that I am very sorry for. He used another excuse not to see me even though he made the plans. I told him I would prefer to never hear from him again. And he responded defensively of course. I responded as well and was firm with my boundary, and he responded with “I am really sorry.”
This is where I left it a week ago.
I am sitting tight and not reaching out to him.. Although I care about him so much, I am not sure he is at the right place to be the person I am looking to meet and be with. I still feel so badly about the way I reacted - and I know better – that is why I want to apologize to a person I do care about but may never be with in my own best interest.
Should I continue with no contact or should I reach out and apologize? .
Thank you so much, Leilani

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Should I continue with no contact or should I reach out and apologize?"

Well, you're free to do as you please, however, don't give more than you receive. Meaning, if he did not apologize to you for all the times he's cancelled at the last minute previously and/or disappointed you and let you down - then he gets none. You only give what you get, and when someone is not giving you what you deserve, then they are denied the same in return.

So if, in the past when he's done this stuff, he made it a point to genuinely and sincerely apologize - then I'd pay him the same courtesy in return. However, if he just ran around doing whatever he wanted regardless of the commitments he made and was unapologetic about it, then he doesn't really deserve that courtesy from you.

Also keep in mind that leaving it sit on his mind and NOT apologizing to him might make his treatment of you eat away at him and make him think of you more. He may think, "Yea, you know that was ignorant of me, I did it more than once and she didn't really deserve that." When you apologize to someone, you basically relieve them of any guilt, shame, regret, etc. that they may have been feeling. If they deserve to feel that way (because it might help them become a better version of themselves in the future), then leave it be. However, if they were courteous of you and sincerely apologized, then you pay them the same courtesy in return.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

I notice on your boards, that you often use the phrase "silence WILL speak for you - IF you let it."

I am the poster who got involved with the guy who bragged about being good in bed, who has issues in the bedroom, and then who disappeared after we had sex the following week for the second time. Once I got confirmation from him that he had flown the coop (i.e., no response to a text I sent him), I immediately went into silence. I have been doing really well, but I am curious, what does a woman's silence do in this situation.

This is the first time in my life I have ever retreated to and remained in silence. For my entire life, I have been told over and over again that when a woman is silent, it makes men think - value the woman more, etc...in short, lots of positives. However, now that its happened, externally - it doesn't seem like it achieves all that much. To me, that is because I think in part society has changed so much that often I don't think people really care all that much anymore how they comes across to others, if they hurt them, etc...I think its been over a month and this man has made no peep - so I'm not sure silence did anything for him - with me, it did help maintain my sanity and avoid investing emotionally further. But it would be nice to see silence work on *a* man just to know that it does -- I just haven't personally experienced it yet.

To the poster above, never follow friends advice. GAH! I've learned this the hard way -- they always have you being open and vulnerable at precisely the *wrong* moments-- when your expressing doubt about the guy!

Also, it's not your job as a woman to show you are *interested* in a man; your job is to show you are *receptive* to him (if you are interested). Every now and then, I do think it is okay to initiate a text with a man in the beginning. However, I do this sparingly and AFTER the man has made several steps forward to me consistently; because you do want to reward and reinforce behavior you do like from a man.

If you feel like a man is pulling back because he might think you aren't interested, let him go. Those are the insecure, weak and/or lazy men. As you see - once you move forward and show your interest, that's when they blab about how they aren't ready for a relationship.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 16, 5:13 PM,
"I have been told over and over again that when a woman is silent, it makes men think - value the woman more, etc...in short, lots of positives. However, now that its happened, externally - it doesn't seem like it achieves all that much."

You don't think it's saved you your dignity? You don't think it's made him realize that you're not just another "desperate" woman willing to accept poor treatment in exchange for male attention? You don't think it's saved you your honor? Or your self-esteem? Or your confidence? You don't think it's made you appear emotionally strong to him, instead of emotionally weak? You don't think you've proved to him that you respect yourself? And that you're different from a lot of other women out there?

Here's the achievements I see:

Emotional strength

To me - those are ALL positive achievements.

I think you may be expecting him to come back, and because he hasn't YET, you see no achievement in what you've done or accomplished here. I think you might be waiting for his return to "validate" that for you.

You don't need him to return to validate all of the above for you. I, and the women here, can validate that for you if need be. Because I will tell you, and you can see for yourself reading through the comments on this site, that it requires great STRENGTH to do what you've done, to stick to it, and follow through with it with conviction.

And whether he returns or not - doesn't change that. The fact remains that you've proved a lot here to yourself, to others and to him, whether you realize it and accept it or not.

And whether he ever returns, or admits this or not - trust me on this. This man, when he thinks of you now - he sees you differently. He probably wasn't expecting this, he was probably expecting you to act like a lot of other women nowadays behave. . .which is to make repeated contacts, ask a lot of probing questions that give away your insecurities and behave desperately to win his attention. None of which you have done. You've proved to him that you're different and whether he ever admits it or not, he now sees that.

"I think its been over a month and this man has made no peep - so I'm not sure silence did anything for him"

Silence is NOT a guarantee that a man will return, nor is that the main objective of it. The main objective of silence is maintaining yourself with grace and dignity, and earning all of the benefits above.

"it would be nice to see silence work on *a* man just to know that it does"

And by "work" - what would that represent to you? Meaning, what would need to happen for you to consider your silence a success? Him returning? And upon his return, him admitting that your silence has caused him to find a new respect for you? If so, that will probably never happen. Because even if it did work, there are very few men on this planet that would actually come out and admit that.

I happen to think you've done a great job here. I'm sure others here would agree. You don't need to hear it from him in order to consider it a success. Besides, he'd probably never swallow his pride and admit it anyway.

Anonymous said...

"And by "work" - what would that represent to you?"

Let me see if I can articulate and it makes sense. I agree with everything you wrote about re achievements. I am feeling good in my own skin, for the most part, about what I did accomplish by staying silent. But I have been working so hard to change my habits not just for me, but also to be around and to attract better men. I'm human and I *do* want to be with someone -- so to believe that I am doing all of this just to feel better about me is lying -- I want to see external changes in my circumstances too.

For years, when I was always clinging to men when they would be disappearing or abandoning me in some form, I was so resistant to changing my behaviors because I knew if I did nothing, those men were not coming back. Yet, friends would stress over and over -- that it was actually my behavior causing them to leave/stay away. They advise if I would just take a "hands-off" approach I would see men change because "all men come back". Well, in 39 years of life on this planet I haven't experienced how the approach I should be taking (and which does feel better) yields results.

I consider the situation with this guy a 95% success. Some things I would have handled/done differently.

But on some level, I do want to see my silence result in a guy returning and stepping up. For me, it *would* go a long way to making me feel empowered that I have influence over how situations occur and that it doesn't require self-sacrificing and drama on my end. (I am not sure if I am explaining it the best way I can -- but I have a history of being disempowered/feeling powerless not only in my family of origin but also extending into my adult relationships where I (unknowingly) perpetuated those feelings.

Gem50 said...

@ Anonymous 6/17 3:50pm

It sounds to me like you want to see YOUR changed behavior be the catalyst for his changed behavior (reappearance). It won't. Your changed behavior MAY cause him to think about you. IF he cares to think deeper about your actions to take care of yourself and move on to continue your life with confidence and goodwill -- and basically leaving him alone to deal with his own karma -- he MAY wonder what you know that other's didn't. And IF he cares to -- and has the ability to -- go further with his thought process, he MAY wonder if there is a connection with his behavior (disappearing) and yours (disappearing)... And IF he decides he isn't happy with how it was left between you based on what he's been thinking about, he MAY try to contact you again, but that will occur because of the work HE just did, not because you "did" anything to him.

In many instances, these guys come back. You have to just let it be and carry on with your life -- as hard as it might be, and as sad as you might be, and as much as you wanted things differently. Ms. Mirror has talked about us learning to manage our fears, pain, etc. Many of us were never taught the coping skills to do so; so as an adult, we have to learn what they are, try them out, practice them, find what works, and use them.

Staying silent is a wonderful skill to master. I'm still practicing -- EVERY day. For example, on my way home tonight from work, I saw 46 on his motorcycle. I so wanted to mssg him on FB and say, "Hey, saw you, blaa, blaa, blaa..." (that would be me chasing).

Also, I've got Scorpio practically begging me for attention, and I am so tempted to blast him, to tell him how his behavior pains me, but I am not going to do it (he is not responsible for my joy, I am).

I'm also back online @ dating site and am getting mssgs left and right since I put my pic up (not that I'm a raging beauty -- I'm more a "country girl,") and I'm so tempted to play along with these online guys and jump right into the frayn (but that would be handing over my Power to more chances of user guys than a good guy).

I am living my life, and practicing my Power as a Woman to demand to be treated as I deserve. It's hard ALOT of the time. It sucks sometimes. It's lonely sometimes, but I am creating the open, free and clean space for a good man to find me.

Find one of Loretta's recent posts on the Insecure Men piece about what a great catch she is. It's pretty awesome -- we should all think that way. :-)

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is the same things as Ms. Mirror, don't do this for a response from a guy, do it for you. I've had guys come back weeks, months, a year, even one came back after about 10 years, things take as long as they take. The only thing you can control is you.

Don't give up -- you got this! (hugs)

Anonymous said...

When I was in my 20s I always had men disappear on me and then return after my silence, Im am double that age now and find that when they disappear on me they have rarely or never return. We live in an age of men only wanting (no EXPECTING) to date young, physically beautiful women over HB8. They are trained thru various seduction communities how to get women to chase them, how to date and sleep with multiple young women at a time and never to settle with a woman if she is over a certain age. Men who are 60 are currently following this advice regardless of whether they are single or married, that's why there are only a few young women who have multiple men persuing, and so many more women on sites like this wondering why their men have disappeared and are not persuing them. My spiritual mentor, someone who has suffered from multiple ndes has predicted this would happen in human relationships, the fact that women are actually more highly evolved (older souls) in combination with a future population downsizing which we are about to see here in the west. Technological advancements are enforcing the current trend as well as the shifting of masculine and femmine roles and androgeny which you can clearly see reflected in the current trend and upswing of transgenderism. Its best to not bet on any single man, we live in a world where they have their pick of the litter so you are better off keeping your dignity by not chasing. Forget about anyone else, do it for yourself.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the encouragement @Gem50.

I am doing it for me, but I would also like *my* changed behavior to influence men to step up too...in the same way that my behavior influences other relationships be it if they are romantic or not. A responsive man *would be for me* because it would be showing that I am not powerless in a relationship to effect a different outcome than what I am accustomed too.

Gem50 said...

@ Anonymous 6/18 2:54p,

I wish I could explain myself clearly, not sure if I can. The only healthy power you, I, we have in our relationships with peers and partners is power over our own actions.

If you haven't already done so, I suggest you read more of Ms. Mirror's articles, and do a search on web for "what makes a man respect a woman" or something similar.

What you will find is good men, gentlemen, respect strong, independent, smart, fun, happy, etc., women. And these are the women these good men want to invest themselves in.

Players and losers want to use and do not respect women -- and there are too many of these losers out there. We have to do the work to vet them out, and walk away.

Change starts with ourselves, and it sounds like you have started. But results don't happen overnight.

I'll say it again because I think it's worth it: Things take as long as they take.

Try to relax, live life one day at a time.

Anonymous said...

I think women tend to become more emotionally invested and faster, we feel the pull of our loins and the tug on our heartstrings after a date or two and hope its mutual. Most men I know fall in love with their brain first and then allow their feelings to follow. Successful men and gentlemen especially, they may respect you if you are independent, smart, funny etc. but where I live in NY, they still only actively persue young women who are not so independent yet are considered more valuable to someone of a certain stature. Don't let the new age bs or female value system fool you, men are not looking for their true partners in the business world and their equals do nothing to turn them on. You're better off getting your happiness from yourself, that way if someone happens to persue you, you are not relying on them to give you what you are not able to give yourself, this is the true meaning of independence. The male value system is very different from ours and is based on different priorities. Anonymous, if the man actually cares for you he will notice your "changed behavior" and step up, if he doesn't then he is just not that into you, but YOU are more INTO YOU and not feeding some guys ego with desperate behavior, that's the whole point. Our society has devolved into women fighting for men and racing to feed and spoil men and their egos and forgetting about themselves, its really not about them its about us. Im thinking of all my strong female friends who persued the men they liked, married them, supported them.. hit their 40s now their men are leaving them for younger women THEY PERSUE, while keeping the older ones around for ego feed, stringing them along.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 20, 12:49 PM,
"where I live in NY, they still only actively pursue young women who are not so independent, yet are considered more valuable to someone of a certain stature"

Those are men that you don't want to date anyway. Those are men caught up in a shallow lifestyle of "success." They are men who seek women they consider to be emotionally "weaker" because their chances of success with women like that are high. The more naive, the more they can emotionally manipulate.

"gentlemen especially, they may respect you if you are independent, smart, funny etc."

That's the kind of man you want to date - a gentleman. His status in life, whether successful or not really has no bearing. What truly matters is that he's a gentlemen, appreciates what you have to offer, and is willing to show you that through his actions. He doesn't need to emotionally manipulate a woman because he's confident enough in himself that he can successfully win one over through his actions, without the use of manipulation.

"men are not looking for their true partners in the business world and their equals do nothing to turn them on"

That's because a lot (not all, but many) men that are successful in business also have sociopathic/psychopathic tendencies. And in my opinion, they don't make for good lovers or husbands as a result.

It's a known fact that in order to be successful in business, you MUST posses some of these tendencies (the willingness to run others over on your way to the top (lack of empathy), the ability to be cut throat in order to win (lack of sympathy), drive and determination that forsakes all else such as family, love, etc., (selfishness and a "me first" attitude), etc.). As a result, it's my opinion that for these reasons, successful men in business don't make for good "family men" or lovers and husbands. Because they will always put themselves and their success before anyone else - including their wives, girlfriends, children, family, etc.

I've often said it here many times that I feel that successful men in business are a waste of time if what you're seeking is family life and settling down. Those men aren't settling down for anyone or anything. They are in constant "claw your way to the top" mode and they base their own value of themselves on how successful they are in business - and not on how successful a father, lover or husband they are. As a woman, you will ALWAYS play second best to the career of a man like this.

"You're better off getting your happiness from yourself, that way if someone happens to persue you, you are not relying on them to give you what you are not able to give yourself, this is the true meaning of independence."


Fire&Water said...

"It's a known fact that in order to be successful in business, you MUST posses some of these tendencies (the willingness to run others over on your way to the top (lack of empathy), the ability to be cut throat in order to win (lack of sympathy), drive and determination that forsakes all else such as family, love, etc., (selfishness and a "me first" attitude), etc.)."

I think a distinction should possibly be made between corporate-type successful business people, who must play more of the political side of the game, and small business people. In many cases, a cut-throat attitude and willingness to run over others is not necessary to be successful in businesses where doing business and being successful is very close to the production and shipment of product or provision of a service, rather than convoluted with the layers of management required for large undertakings.

Anonymous said...

I've had a confusing experience with a older guy in his 50s that I met online dating. I am 10 yrs younger.
He pursued me and we had 5 meets. He was sending me sexual innuendos and I just laughed it off. On our last meet he invited me over for a massage, so I went and stayed the night, we got slightly intimate but never went all the way. I left early the next morning as he'd gotten up and I took the hint. He kissed me and I left. I never heard from him again until 3wks later he starts winking at me on the dating site. I ignored him as I'd already took the hint and didn't chase him. He then makes contact asking how my search is going.
We talked briefly and he implied he'd missed our chats. I allowed him to think I'd been dating still and never asked why he'd disappeared. I kept it light with him not to appear interested. He since sent me another message to which I replied and he did not.
Any thoughts on what he's playing at or was he just curious and looking for a ego boast?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Aug 4, 8:09 AM,
"Any thoughts on what he's playing at or was he just curious and looking for a ego boast?"

Only time will tell the tale and give a "big picture" view of his intentions. But at this point, if he's let 3 weeks elapse, and he contacted you again and didn't ask to see you again. . .I'd continue dating other men and moving forward. Because when men behave like that on social media, there's a good chance that the man has several women "in rotation" that he circles back around to periodically to "touch base" with (and see if the woman is desperate for him, wants to see him, and then begins to "chase" him).

He may or may not ask you out again, but if/when he does, you can go on the date and explore more, observe more, etc. But I would not sleep with this man. I wouldn't even consider anything along those lines until he's maintained regular, consistent contact, acts like he's genuinely interested, calls on the phone, asks for dates regularly, and makes some consistent attempts at showing he's genuinely interested for at least a month or more.

His behavior is signaling that he may be a serial dater, and he's not interested in settling down with any one woman - and sleeping with him probably won't change that. Men who are genuinely interested for the most part generally don't let too time elapse before asking for another date, and another, and another, etc. and they usually stay in regular contact and make efforts to move the relationship forward.

So if he asks for another date, you can feel free to explore a bit more if you like, but don't give out any "rewards" to a man that's barely lifting a finger for you, ya' know? ;-)

loretta said...

@Anon above w/ 50 yr old date: I am so familiar with this scenario, except for the sleeping over part, which I never do because I am way too shy these days for that. It takes a LOT for me to get close to someone like that, but I have, in the past, jumped into physical stuff too early. No mas. haha. Anyway, this is what's going on with that guy (from my unfortunate but vast experience.) He's suffering from the delusion that "the grass is greener." He thinks because he had such an easy time with you, someone really cool, that he can find even better - someone younger, smarter, richer, bustier, whatever. So far, he has not; or, even more likely, he's gone out on dates with women who were clingy, fatter than their picture, older than they claim, weirder, dumber, desperate, stalkers, etc. (They're all out there.) He recalls, with some good thoughts, YOU. Oh yeah, he thinks, she was ok, I think I'll go back to her.

Meantime, he's neglected you, failed to pursue you, thought you might do the heavy lifting (which you did not, KUDOS TO YOU!), and is coming back for seconds.

You have two choices - depending on how much you really liked him. Do you really like him, despite his current lazy habits? If so, do exactly what Mirror recommends: let HIM do the pursuing. Let him make plans with you. If his contact with you is mostly (or all) text or messaging, ignore him. Let him make a damn phone call. If he calls and just chats you up, keep it short. If he asks to see you, seems like he wants to make an effort, let him. RESIST making any moves. You may get him to be more old fashioned about it. He's the right age to remember how he had to court women in the 80s and 90s before the internet. LOL

If, however, he wasn't all that and a bag of chips, keep looking. There is no doubt, whatsoever, when a guy wants to see you. The difference between a guy that likes you and one who is just sowing his old oats is night and day.

Right now, I have had yet another Disappearing Man, and it is baffling. He did everything to meet me, went to some lengths to keep in touch and then POOF! After telling me several times how much he was looking forward to date #2, he has not contacted me in any form in 2 weeks. Guess what? He's not that great, and when or if he circles back (which I expect he will), I am going to ignore him completely.

Did I miss out on Mr. Right? Nope. You know why? Because if after meeting me and we had such a good time and he didn't say to himself, "HELL, YES! I want this woman in my life," then I don't want him. If he didn't see potential and he still thinks the grass is greener, have at it, Hoss!

Remember this: YOU are the prize. You are the prize. Write that in lipstick on your bathroom mirror: I AM THE PRIZE!!!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Did I miss out on Mr. Right? Nope. You know why? Because if after meeting me and we had such a good time and he didn't say to himself, "HELL, YES! I want this woman in my life," then I don't want him. If he didn't see potential and he still thinks the grass is greener, have at it, Hoss!"

DEFINITELY the right attitude to have Loretta - I love it LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for this .
Was dating this guy we were friends for a few months before .When we started dating he told me to stop dating anyone else ,he found me he didn't want to lose me he bought me 4 G in diamond jewelry and spent quite a bit on dinners and hotels for us .When i didn't want to move to where he lived out of state he put his place on the market and we started house shopping .He told all of my friends my kids how in love he was and that it was love at first site , i even heard him tell his mom he found someone he wants to start a new life with on the phone .He told me daily i was the most beautiful women he ever met and he loved me ,we had sex that was on another level. The last time i saw him i was going to drop him off at his hotel i had all his clothes in the wash ..he said i will get them later .I dropped him off at his hotel after he had spent two weeks visiting .he said i call you later its been two weeks .I got one text that some serious drama has come into his life .I sent a few positive messages but have got no response so i stopped texting after a week ,I never thought for a minute he was ditching me as i am very confident in myself and what i felt we had ,he is rich and good looking .We can both have anyone we want .I will add when we were friends he disappeared two times but it didn't bother me me .Im not concerned i did anything wrong i know i can walk out the door and get a new man actually i have some dates already .Just wondering if what i just explained sounds like the disappearing /reappearing guy you are talking about ?Because if so i need to have a plan :) thanks

loretta said...

Anon above (8/23) If you can afford it, I'd hire a private detective. Pawn some of those diamonds. I smell a rat.

Anonymous said...

Bonjour Mirror!
I am reading your blog from France and I would like to thank you: your cleaver words and knowledge have  lightened my way these last weeks.
I am a 43 ya capricorn dealing since 5 weeks with the disappearance of a 43 ya aquarius. We've met 18 months ago on a dating web site.
He is an handsome Alpha man, travelling a lot, speaking 4 languages. Some sort of Christian Grey with Woody Allen sense of humour.
We've had an instant chemistry together and despite of our willingness to remain friends with benefits, we fall into a passionate and loving relationship.
And..throught the months..I have made ALL the mistakes you mention in your articles: too many conversations, too many messages, to many mails, too many phone calls. I have mistaken him with my best friend and my psychatrist, talking with him of my issues, problems and fears as I would have done with a female pal.
And it happened..what happened!
His desire dropped down, he began to see our relation has a pain in his ass, and to find it less fun than it was at its beginnings.
And 5 weeks ago, we've had an argument and he decided he needed a breack.
Since then..he went into MIA.
He wrote me a long mail telling me that he felt the need to respect his own life, that there was too much passion and love between us, that he felt he was going crazy, going out of sleep, finding it hard to work, and that it was why he decided to stop calling and writing. That he needed some time on his own till the whole thing cools down.
Having read all your advices, I since then have respected his silence and disappeared off the radar to give him the space he needed.
And yesterday's night, I have reveived a short mail telling "Kisses. I am thinking of you...".
I know I have to wait 3 days to mail back.
But I have no idea of the way I am suppose to answer!!!!!!
You gave the advice to keep the response friendly, casual and carefree...but what is the carefree manner to respond to "I am thinking of you"??? ;)
I crave to say "So do I!!!! Everyday!!!"..but I will appear needy.
What can I respond at this time of his disappeaering process????
Can you give me some advice?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Our French Sister,
"he needed some time on his own till the whole thing cools down. . .I have received a short mail telling "Kisses. I am thinking of you...But I have no idea of the way I am suppose to answer!"

This is easy, the answer is - you DON'T answer - at all.

And here's why:

1) That communication is not a question, it's a statement - and therefore, it needs no response.

2) Responding back is what the "old you" wants to do, but you're trying to be a "new you" that catches his attention again, which means you can't be predictable - instead you have to change your behavior and reactions to unpredictable ones so that his attention is caught by the new behavior.

3) He's entering the "longing" period that comes from space and distance. This is perfect because men equate longing with love. If you respond - it will be like pouring a bucket of cold water on the new hot longing that he's experiencing for you. It will cease his longing for you and you don't want that. You WANT him to long for you, and that means he needs to miss you, and that means he needs to not hear from you if he's to miss you. If he hears from you, he can't miss you. Does that make sense?

For additional clarification about how "no contact" works on a psychological level, I'd suggest you read this:


See, here's the thing - as human beings, it's natural to want what we CAN'T have. It's referred to as the Law of Scarcity and it's used in economics every single day. Manufacturers know that if they want people to beat down the doors for their latest tech gadget and talk about them for months and think about getting one constantly. . .they have to make very few of them.

This is why the latest new gadget is in limited supply around the holidays - that's NO accident, it's intentional.

Because when something is scarce, people place a higher value on it. And when something is in abundant supply, they tend to place a lower value on it. So think of it like this:

1) When your attention was in abundant supply to this man, he placed a lower value on it and began to take it for granted.

2) If you want to change that, then this means your attention has to be scarce, which will cause him to suddenly place a high value on it, hanging on hoping for a crumb of it.

And once you and your attention are scarce and suddenly NOT AVAILABLE TO HIM - he will not be able to stop thinking about you. He will constantly be asking himself, "Why isn't she responding?" This will then move him into a psychological process of thought that will then lead to, "Who is she with? Did she meet someone new? Is someone else receiving her attention now? I want her attention again. I don't want her to be with someone else. I know that now. I know I don't want anyone else to have her which means I better fix this - QUICK."

See what I mean? See how being scarce and in limited supply actually increases your value in someone's eyes?

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Another economic example of this would be in the industry of diamonds. Many people are fooled into thinking that the world supply of diamonds is scarce and in limited supply. And they believe this because the value of diamonds is high.

But guess what? That's NOT the truth - at all.

The truth is, diamonds are an extremely plentiful gem. There are literally millions of them. Cashmere sapphire is one example of a rare gem, but diamonds are not.

So you're probably wondering by now, "If there are so many diamonds, why are they so expensive?"

The reason is because the mines, like De Beers, hold onto the majority of their diamond inventory, only releasing small quantities into the market each year. They practice the Law of Scarcity in economics and they know that if they flood the market with tons of diamonds all at once and create an abundance of them - their value will drop to the floor. Sure, top quality diamonds will still command a high price, but average diamonds (which they have tons of) that they were once getting $4,000, $8,000 and $10,000 for will now only be worth $500, $1,000 and maybe $3,000.

People will no longer be willing to pay high prices for something that's in abundance and plentiful.

So De Beers intentionally only releases very small quantities of their product into the market at a time, being extremely careful not to create an abundant supply - so they can keep the price, and more importantly the DEMAND HIGH.

High supply = low value.
Low supply = high value.

The Law of Scarcity is a psychological tactic you can use to your advantage in dating (men actually do this quite often themselves). Making yourself scarce means a higher value will be placed on you. Making yourself available in high supply means a lower value will be placed on you and you will end up being taken for granted.

If you want to change, that means your behavior and reactions have to change. If you want his attention again, that means you have to NOT give it to him, it has to be scarcely available to him. People want what they feel they can't have.

And that means that if you want him to want you - you can't let him have you. It means you don't respond at all to this communication LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

Ohlalala...Mirror..thank you!
For your answer..your clever advices...reader you is a bit like talking to an older sister much much more clever than you.
Reading your words and analyse of my situation helps me a lot! Thank you so much!!!
Here is some french and news from the southe of France.
I am a bit down tonight.
No..I am not down. I am sad. Let s be honest. Sad and lost.
This afternoon I had some sort of a premonition.
So I had a look to the dating website where we met months ago.
I had closed my profile just after we met as I am some sort of a "one man girl" but I knew he hadn't close his.
So I quickly create a new profile and made a research ....
I suppose I don't have to tell you what's going to follow.
He was connected yesterday.
I knew he was a man who loves women. Loves seduction. The epitone of the french lover I guess.
But now...
On one hand we've got Mister Silence. Who wrote 2 weeks ago to me that I am "the most incredible cherie of his existence", that "he never could have imagined meeting someone so kind, so generous, so sensual etc etc.." and that "this passion..this love he has for me..eat him slowly...that he needed some time".
And on the other hand..we have a guy who needs (as he said) to regain his mental health by stopping writting to me....and find time to check women's profile on a dating website.
If he is over with me and is searching for someone else....why doesn't he tell it to me????
Why is he doing this disappearance comedy since 5 weeks rather than telling me that is it over??.?
What 's the point of writting all these things 2 weeks ago..and that he was thinking of me yesterday????
I am melted between the will to go and piss on the wheels of his car and the sadness of the evidence: I am in love with a cheater obviously.
The old me as you said would like to know the reasons of this behaviour that I hardly understand.
The new me..I guess she might face the reality :(
Why can he just act respectfully towards me?
Is it so hard to respect a woman you've loved?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Our French Sister,
"If he is over with me and is searching for someone else....why doesn't he tell it to me? Why is he doing this disappearance comedy since 5 weeks rather than telling me that is it over?"

Well here's the thing, and this might sting a bit so prepare - when you're "on break" - it IS over. The "break" that takes place is actually a break from the relationship, technically meaning that the relationship is over at the point the break begins. So he doesn't have to actually tell you it's over for now, because the break signifies that already, ya' know?

"What 's the point of writting all these things 2 weeks ago..and that he was thinking of me yesterday?"

To keep things in play with you so that you remain an "option" to him :-(

"I am melted between the will to go and piss on the wheels of his car and the sadness of the evidence: I am in love with a cheater obviously."

Well as much as that thought might sound gratifying LOL, we know it's not the right thing to do. And technically, he's not cheating because. . .he ended the relationship when he broke away from it :-(

Manipulate you into thinking that he's NOT open to seeing other people is wrong, but technically the act of actually seeing others right now is not - because there's been a break in the relationship.

Right now there IS no relationship.

I don't say that to hurt you, but to actually "free" you from the emotional attachment you're still experiencing that's keeping you locked to him instead of exploring and dating others - while he's out doing some exploring of his own.

You need to understand that you're free of him right now, and while that may make you sad, it also means that YOU TOO are free to explore other options for yourself. And I'd suggest you do that. I'd suggest you don't respond to that last communication from him and you take the new knowledge you have, and a new understanding that there is no relationship right now. . .and make the most of it girlfriend! ;-)

Date other men, go have some girl's nights out with your friends, socialize, buy yourself some new outfits, maybe get a make over or a new hairdo or new hair color if you think it'll boost your spirits and set yourself free to explore those around you. Don't spend this time sitting and waiting on him to decide if HE wants YOU. Instead, get out there and live life and decide if YOU even want HIM. You have some say in the matter and you're not required to sit around waiting to be "picked" by a man:


You may find, like many other women who comment here, that eventually you decide you don't even want him anymore and you have no clue what you were thinking even dating him in the first place LOL ;-)

Spend this time WISELY. Do NOT let it go to waste.

Because here's what's funny about these situations - particularly when online dating. Many times, folks enter the online dating world looking for something they perceive as "better". . .only to come running back to the arms of familiar faces after dealing with the madness that takes place in the dating world today LOL.

It's quite possible that him dating other women he's meeting online. . .will eventually be the thing that sends him running right back to you.

At which time the power will then swing back to you. . .giving you the option to decide if you even WANT to stick around for more with him ;-)

Anonymous said...

"To keep things in play with you so that you remain an "option" to him :-("
I guess you are right
You are certainly right.
I guess as you said that it was over since the minute he said "I want a breack".
I didn't ear it that way but the way you put words into it sounds very accurate now.
And now..he is moving forward...but nevertheless is he making sure I remain an "option" in case he wouldn' t find someone as extraordinary as I am (self esteen rebound moment LOL).
He send a mail tonight :/
"Hi dear
I am watching a funny movie and I feel sweet melancolie thinking of you. Because everytime I am laughing I think of you and the way we used to laugh together.
I guess you don't synchronize your gmail as you don't respond to my mails. Probably to ease for you the whole thing...
I hope you re doing well.
Me..I am curing myself.
I don't dare to call you. I feel like an asshole.
I kiss you very very much."

Dear Mirror..you are damned right!
I am not going to make this guy a priority if I am an option for him!!!
I am going to read..and read again your advices
..and move forward.
They will be helpfull to help me dealing with men till Mister "maybe not perfect but made for me" cross my road.
I am really glad that Google made my way to your words.
As we say here "merci beaucoup" dear Mirror.

Anonymous said...


I had a guy who disappeared on me for a month, only for him to return when I did the no contact rule on him. The first two weeks of his return went perfectly. Him initiating all texts. From the third week onwards i noticed a change in the dynamics of the texting and phone calls. I admit, I panic, n started to initiate text and even the possibility to speak over the phone. To which his responses were he was at work and busy or simply out. On one occasion I even questioned if we were in contact mode to which he said yes.

I went MIA for two days in the hope he would contact me but that was futile. I again initiated contact and asked how he was and his text was brief. I even asked when we could speak and he said over the weekend?. I agreed. This is where I screwed up, my emotions got the better of me and I express how distant he was. I even said I would like to talk to him over the phone since he was texting. He did not reply. An hour later I again sent the same text of wanting to speak over the phone. He replied but he was curt and irritated saying he was out of the country n with friends. I did not reply thereafter to give him and myself space.

The next day, I apologised and mentioned that speaking on the weekend was a better option as suggested by him. He did not reply and I didn't expect one.

My questions are:-

1. I know I screwed up. Is there anything I can do from now on to salvage this?
2. If he calls, how should I respond? I know my emotions might flare and I might start asking him about his MIA episode given he has bailed once before.
3. If he doesn't call, how long should I wait for him to return even if I do the no contact.
4. How should I react to his disappearing acts? Should I even mention it to him or ignore it.

We are getting to know each other. We have met once face to face. We have expressed liking for each other but not in a committed relationship. We live apart in different continents and he has mentioned that he would visit me soon but did not follow up.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading couple of books on how to deal with men who disappear and they've been helpful however, reading your articles and other people's situations has given me strength/clear head on how to deal with my disappearing/reappearing man. It's also nice (yet unfortunate) to know that so many women are dealing with these situations!

I was so close to sending a confrontational email to this man about his delayed responses. However, I decided to sleep on it and woke up this morning feeling better. No way in HELL I want to give him the satisfaction that I've been waiting all this time and his no response made me upset. Like you said, men will view my response as a weakness/insecurity. I hate playing games and when I like someone but you're right about how men play these games unintentionally at times. I no longer feel bad about deciding not to respond to him anymore/taking my sweet time. It's game on!

I decided not to respond to his email at all nor his text. He will take a whole week to respond and always give this vague response on how we should have dinner soon yet will never give me an exact week/date. At this point, all my excitement for this man has died down. Now I wonder if I even want to play this game with him every time he is 'busy' and if this is a reflection of who he truly is.

FYI I have not slept with this man. We went on 2 dates and I only responded whenever he contacted me. Sometimes I would respond right away, wait a couple of hours or 1-2 days later. I saw him about 3 weeks ago. I immediately felt a big interest for him since we clicked right away.

I feel more angry with myself for allowing this man to grab my interest so fast and I was stressed/depressed about this situation for 2 weeks. But at the same time I take this as a life lesson and starting to see the pattern of how men act.

I will never lose my wits around a man from now on.

Houseonthehill said...

Aphrodite, I'm in a bit of a pickle here...I was seeing a guy for a month. We totally hit it off. He was texting me every day. We are both super tall, I am very picky and very busy and thought I had met my dude. He seemed super super into me...u know how u can just tell? Well on date 4 we did all these domestic things, made a meal together etc...sadly I was ovulating and super horny and I was like sure wtf lets do this! And when it was time for it to happen he lost his boner...and he kind of freaked out. We are both 40. He's been divorced about 2 years. Finally after some dirty talk he got it up and we had sex but it was weird. He held me all night and kissed me and it was rad. I didn't think much of the boner thing but he's middle eastern and I think it super affected him. After that he was different. He actually texted me the next day apologizing for the sex. I told him I had an amazing night. I wrote him a few days later telling him I was sorry I got so drunk and I hope I wasn't a crazy person, and he said I wasn't and that he was sorry he hadn't texted and was so busy and he would text me later...crickets for a week. ling story short we then almost had plans which he broke...he told me that I shouldn't get the wrong idea that he wants to see me again but didn't text again. Honestly if a guy acted like this after sex I would not text him at all and blow him off the same we he blows me off but the boner thing threw a wrench in the whole thing. I know he's back in his country right now for this month. I was gonna let all of December go by and just send a hello hope you're doing well in January. Do u think that's ok to do? Or should I straight up ignore him even tho the boner thing happened. I haven't really felt this way about someone in a while and it felt like he hadn't either...ugh what should I do??? I know he's a sweet guy-I can't tell if he's embarassed or like pulling the disappearing thing! I don't think that's the sex a guy wants to go out on if it is!! Haha

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I was gonna let all of December go by and just send a hello hope you're doing well in January. Do u think that's ok to do?"

I wouldn't bother - this guy's got some deep rooted issues dear, and they're not going to go away overnight. Do you really want to date a "project" type kind of man that requires lots of work, counseling, etc.?

His problems are most likely psychological, and they're not going to be things you're probably going to be able to help him with. Chances are he's incredibly insecure, and that takes years of inner work to rectify. Insecure men, insecure people period, behave very strangely:


And they exhaust you and deplete you of your mental energy - quickly.

"Or should I straight up ignore him"

If he reaches out to you, I wouldn't ignore him entirely. But I would seriously consider whether or not this is a man I even want to date - I'd have to explore whether or not he's even ready, or can handle, a relationship or dating situation of any kind right now.

"I don't think that's the sex a guy wants to go out on if it is!"

Probably not - but it may be the only kind of sex he's capable of - period - right now.

Again, this sounds like a pretty serious case of insecurity and psychological issues that are hindering him in some deep rooted ways. And yes, these things can be rectified - but not over night, and not without a lot of inner work, counseling, etc. done. The problem is most likely in his mind, and not his penis. Which means that any issues and emotional baggage and insecurities this man is carrying around need dealt with. But the thing is, HE is the one who will have to deal with them, face them head on, and work hard to overcome them. Again, years are required to rectify this type of stuff. . .not days, weeks, or months.

Dating men going through this isn't fun dear. It's not enjoyable at all, and it's not even something you can help them with. And even if you try and they get help or somehow begin to work on themselves and overcome a bit of this, it's years before it's completely rectified. Do you want to wait around for years for this to be somehow become magical in a sense?

And where there's smoke, there's fire. There are clearly issues here, deep ones, that are affecting him deeply. . .which means they're probably also affecting his ability to even have a happy healthy relationship right now. They're probably affecting his ability to even FORM relationships in the first place. You're actually seeing that play out right now. This man isn't acting normal for a guy who just had sex with a woman he was attracted to. His issues and insecurities are affecting his behavior, which in turn is affecting his ability to even behave normally in an attempt to even form a relationship with you right now.

As a result, I'd give this all some serious thought. This guy might make for a better friend than a lover right now.

Houseonthehill said...

Wow Aphrodite, thanks for the seriously in depth response...I really appreciate it. If he does reach out to me and I decide I want to get back to him, should I make him wait the days you mention when it's the normal disappearing-reappearing guy? We had developed a texting relationship where we would both respond immediately to each other and he always has...if I was to text him now he would probably respond immediately...which I won't of course!!!!
So much love for you!!!!!

Unknown said...

First of all, thank you for everything you are doing here, this is needed more than anything in the world right now. Its so sad the state of affairs between women and men right now.

Id love some advice also about the disappearing man situation. I have kind of an odd situation. I met a man at a bar in another city last year, we chatted and then he slipped the bartender his # to give to me before he left that night. I texted the number the next day out of curiosity and we commenced a LDR texting and phone relationship for 6 months straight. We texted and/or talked everyday, it was pretty intense, we sexted, i sent him sexy pics, all of it. It was a lot of fun and we had a really great connection. I didnt take it all that seriously because it was long distance and i hadnt met him that long in real life. But i was a very intense attraction between us. He started really pursuing me hard after awhile, wanting to meet up badly but i always put it off, i just wasnt sure. eventually he just showed up in my town without any prior notice, it was strange, but i met him for lunch. It was a nice lunch, but kind of awkward for me, but i still liked him and wanted to see where things would go but after we met he ghosted.
I was hurt but figured he just wasnt as attracted to me in real life as the fantasy he had built up all that time in his head. So after trying to stay in touch a few times i let it go. Then of course, about a month later he texts me again. It was casual tho, just seemed like he wanted to say hi, nothing much more. I still didnt really respond much other than polite chatting. I was also dating someone else casually and seeing my ex here and there. Keep in mind i havent had sex with any of these guys, just dating.
So now the ldr guy is telling me he misses me and wants to connect again. I asked why he disappeared befor enad he was super vaugue of course, just something about business and family stuff. Im not buying it and i told him so. I told him i didnt trust his motives and i dont understand what he wants from me. he thinks im being silly of course and wants to go on a vacation with me next month.
So what do you think? should i give him another chance? or is this just a case of the xmas blues?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"he thinks im being silly of course and wants to go on a vacation with me next month.
Should i give him another chance? Or is this just a case of the xmas blues?"

Don't go on a vacation with this man, he's a virtual stranger.

Texting and sexting doesn't permit you to get to know someone. It only contributes to a shallow, superficial sexual connection and nothing more. And in my opinion, that's not enough to put yourself at risk vacationing with a stranger, ya' know?

If this man was truly serious, he'd want to DATE you. . .instead of making a second attempt at hooking up with you. Which is basically what I believe the vacation is about. (If you do that, I would bet my bottom dollar that afterwards, this man would disappear, because his actions are indicating that it's sex he's seeking, not a relationship.)

"we sexted, i sent him sexy pics, all of it. It was a lot of fun and we had a really great connection."

But unfortunately, that connection is only superficial. It's only a sexual connection. Which is the reason that you felt somewhat awkward when he showed up unannounced and you met up with him. It felt awkward because you two really don't know each other all that well at all.

"i still liked him and wanted to see where things would go but after we met he ghosted.
I was hurt but figured he just wasnt as attracted to me in real life as the fantasy he had built up all that time in his head."

That may be - however, to me it appears he expected sex. He didn't get it when he made the attempt (came to see you to receive it), so he disappeared. And truthfully, I think he may have disappeared even if he had received it anyway :-(

And this is where actions and words aligning is so very important, on both parts. Let me explain.

Your actions and the way you carry yourself actually dictate to others how they should treat you. And this is the case for all of us as humans, man or woman. So when you're a guy, and you drop some bait onto a fishing line (provide your number for the woman to chase YOU, instead of being a gentleman and asking for her number so you can call her and get to know her, not sext her). . .and the woman then participates in this, it creates an image about the woman in the man's mind.

The woman's actions are signaling something to the man about how he should treat her, and about what she wants, and about what she'd like from the man, and about what's acceptable treatment, ya' know? So picture it like this. . .what impression do you think that participating in sexting with a stranger creates for the man in his mind? What do you think it signals to the man that you want, and that you're willing to do?

Yep, you guessed it - it signals that the woman is in it to "get down" with the man.

So the man jumps into his car, thinking to himself, "Okay, she's down with this. She wants this, too. So I'm going to go get it." And he takes off to go get what he thinks this is all about - sex. Except when he gets there, there's no sex to be had. Instead, it's a bit awkward, and he's most likely confused. He's thinking, "This girl was all about the sex when we would text, but when I get there, I get no sex." So he goes home and disappears, thinking he's misread the entire situation.

He showed up that day dear - to finish what you two had started via text (sex).

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

And if you take this trip with him, chances are that's what this is about as well. Chances are this about another attempt at finishing what was started via text. So if you do want a hookup and nothing more - no relationship, no "get to know" you, and no other expectations. . .then you can consider participating in this. (Although I still feel he's a stranger and it's not wise to place yourself into a situation like that with him.)

However, if a relationship is ultimately what you desire with a man, don't participate in sexting, and don't hook up. Because the chances of a hookup turning into a long lasting relationship (something beyond a 3 - 4 month fling) are extremely slim. Unfortunately, many times the only thing a hookup leads to for a woman, is a lot of pain and damage done to her self-esteem and confidence (when the man eventually disappears after he's gotten his fill).

So for that reason, I really don't think casual sex is healthy for a woman. Men are much better equipped to handle those situations. But with women, their emotions become involved after intimacy takes place, and she usually ends up hurt :-(

So be very mindful here about what it is that you truly desire. . .and then make sure your actions align with that. Otherwise, you could end up getting hurt.

If you want a hookup, then continue. However, if you secretly hope for more - don't participate in this. Don't give the wrong impression. Make sure your actions align with your intentions, and then things won't be so confusing ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror and all the amazing ladies on this forum!

Gosh how i wish i had come across this site 5 months ago but then again maybe i needed to go through this to learn and grow (call me an enlightened person).please bare with me its a very long story but i need to let you know that sometimes you get redflags but at times they are so faint that its hard to pick them up nyway well here is my story haven't been on the dating scene in 12 years * Met my now Ex 12 years ago and relocated and all have one child, but to cut the story short, my ex hubby turned out to be not the man i imagined him to be and being this strong-minded independent person that i am i filed for seperation) now this is when i was introduced to online dating (shortly after my seperation, maybe i should have waited but too late for that)

I am an attractive cool person, confident social charming and i think i am a fun person to be with. I was classic slective in my communication and alittle skeptical, with online dating and never got that excited by the attention anyway i meet this amazing handsome guy( Charming, confident, great body, working out 4-5 times a week, great job financial security etc (Maybe i should have seen all this as red flags but too late) He fancied me and so did i, (i actually did send the initial flirt not expecting him much from him was just playing about) now he suprised me and was very cordial, polite and different from the others that just said hi or winked etc anyway i could see that he took the time to read my profile said he liked what i said about my self we started chatting about what we were both looking for in a partner, we seemed to have the same values not long we moved the communication from online to email, continued flirting and talking about this and that. i was very vague in my initial communication but with time i warmed up to his charm and i realised i liked this guy. He kept telling me that he would like to have a girlfriend like me , he was ready and bla bla bla anyway about two weeks later he asked me out, it was a nice dinner everything was perfect(it was the best date i had been on in ages)

By the time we met on this date we seemed to have already *known* each other, i still had my reservations so i wasn't really out there but was relaxed and had a great time we both seemed to enjoy each others company, i thought to my self deepdown this is too good to be true, he did have some future plan talk ( maybe this could have been a red flag for me to notice but i didn't i was just smitten ( Gosh i wish i had listened to myself then) but my heart was in another state at that time. anyway 3-4 hours later dinner was done he paid even though i offered to but i thought that was nice*) he offered to drive me home, which i said yes to we were both living in the same area.

he was the perfect gentleman opening the door not pushy etc but very into me i could feel it we did hahve great chemistry. anyway we arrive in my packing lot ( i am positive i am not inviting this guy in even though am dying to), now came the tricky part of goodbye, we kind of hugged i was about to pull away and just like that (it was really micro seconds)he kissed me, well i gave in and thought what the heck, it was the best kiss ever ( sent shivers down my spine) and i liked it, passionate and just nice. that was it we parted goodbye and in passing said we'd meet next week or something like that any way the following day he sent a text thanking me for the nice date and company and that we should do somthing that week too, he planned a dinner and afterwards a movie all was perfectly set ( i was living this amazing moment that i almost didn't get to think)

Anonymous said...


Same thing he droped me home we made out again in his car ( this time we lingered alittle longer but that was it) i liked that he wasn't pushing for anything ( i thought he must really respect me and not push for anything more *what a gentleman*) i even mentioned that i liked that we were taking it slow. meanwhile all this time in between the dates we texted like constantly morning texts , during the day and in the evening he initiated all the communication i like this (but i was initially uncomfortable with sms coz i wanted more phone conversations, and i didn't want this to end up as a lazy way of communication, that would be boring) i did mention it in passing but didn't push coz i didn't want to sound pushy, but he did say that he will work on calling much more often. he did but still texted much more anyway a week late we both had no plans so i asked him to come over for to my place in the evening just to hang out and talk, watch a movie or something,( i would call this our third date in a month) i had made and eaten dinner but he hadn't eaten when he came so i offered him dinner. then we just hang out talking ( we both were are so talkattive so we talked and talked for ages, the chemistry was undeniable and we both enjoyed each others company (that night ended up making out again for a long time( this time the cloths came off etc it was really electryfying but no sex i said not yet and he seemed ok with it, we even discussed exclusivity and removing our profiles from the dating sight etc i liked this idea and thought we are serious (he didn't spend the night but left in the wee hours of the morning 4am or somthing.

Anyway its here that i realised that i was falling for this guy but wanted to know that he was fully into me before i *gave myself* to him and the next day texts again ( something in me just kept on the cautious mode, and two days later i just blatted it out and told him that i really liked him and see our potential (of being girlfriend & boyfriend) which we had talked about the last time we met and he told me he was ready), i told him i wasn't doing this if i wasn't a priority. funny enough since then the texts decreased( i should have seen this as a red flag) but i was naive i just freaked out ( which was my initial reaction but didn't push too much, he communicated later but a bit distant, didn't comment on my initial conserns ( which i thought was strange) and then he disappeared completely, i tried to call he didn't pick i was pissed off, sent an angry sms and just gave him a break never heard from him until a month later (i actually went to his place *well trying to find closure about what happened or went wrong(i have always tried to think back on any situation am in to find out whats wrong, tried to fix it or left it if i couldn't), anyway he opened for me suprised that i came but ok with it anyway only to find out that he had a life threatening health scare. so he just closed off from everyone including me ( which i should have also seemn as a red flagg but didn't ( he actually looked a mess when i met him) i really liked this guy and guess what i offer, my help of course which he was relauctant to get but i never pushed ( but one thing he said to me that day was that he could not give what i wanted coz he needed to focus on himself to get medication (chemo etc), i totally understood but told him am always going to be here if he needed me.

Anonymous said...


Since this incident we kind of slowly picked up communication (via text of course), a couple of weeks or so later when he was feeling better i invited him over to my place, made dinner and all ( I felt that we were kind of dating but not really dating) that was the problem anyway its on this night that we first got intimate (intense foreplay), one thing led to another it was amazing (as expected), we really didn't go all the way, but he totally focused on me. I was stupidly Still smitten and planned for another date a week or so later ( meanwhile we still were not really defined like GF & BF but we were almost)so next time he come i planned a nice romantic evening with a dinner, massage madelove etc he spent the night *that was the first sleep over ( we seemed an item i didn't want to bring out the talk now coz i thought it was obvious its what we both wanted (gosh how stupid i was ), anyway the next morning he leaves goes to work and texts me good night later in the evening (with the excuse that he was busy at work) but had an amazing time that day. i am independent so didn't think much about it then but what happend next is what stunned me. he vanished in thin air i never heard from him again ( that felt crap) had never had this experience before. i was shuttered i didn't see this coming even had no idea how to react but my instinct told me to relax don't initiate communication this time. but against my wish i two weeks later i just sent an angry sms just to let the steam out and i didn't care if he replied or not (of course he never replied called or said anything. i wasn't even sure is he read my message) i went on with my life ( did i mention he still had his profile online, i never removed mine either), so i went out on a couple of other dates ( which of course were not as fun and i knew that he was all i was thinking about so this was pointless, but i actually did alot of fun stuff so with time i was feeling much better but he was til at the back of my mind somehow. ( all above spuns for a period of 4mths or something)

Anonymous said...


A month later guess who reaches out to me very apologetic and classic ( not expecting a reply from me) i didn't know what to do,(i was actuially getting to that point where i was over him but still thought about him though ) part of me wanted to not reply but the other wanted to and was glad that he had got in touch. well i just vaguely replied after some time and asked how he was he came up with the classic work stresss ( he is a workacholic from before and is sometimes under alot of pressure from work which is true), so with his health issues i listened to him. He acknowledged our attraction for eachother and that we match etc and that he thought for a long time and finally gave in to his feelings to comeback to me where he is supposed to be etc my stupid heart took over my mind and i easily gave into his advances again. F**K

Shortly after this he came over to my place again ( i invited him for *the talk, coz i partially didn't want to string this along if he wasn't serious)) i had never had this experience before so i came from an innocent point thinking and believeing what he had to say, he was his charming self said he was sorry and wanted to give us a try we were going to be serious this time( not running off to vegas kind of thing) but an item. with my hesistation and take it one day at a time which was fine with me i knew we still had alot to got through i accepted his ideas. ( i had my guard up just a little this time) We as usual talked alot catched up on all that was happening in our lives etc that night he spent the night and we made love again he was different this time i could swear i felt him more relaxed and he lingered, cuddled much more that night and the morning after etc and the next day after breakfast we both went to work. communicated via text i wasn't rushing to text back whenever he texted but was excited that he did.

Anonymous said...

(Continued (last part))

But the week after i noticed that the texts became fewer, i immediately went into self protection mode expecting the worst but not saying anything, funny enough he was very nice in his sms and even called much more this time but i still felt that there was more pulling (from his side)than normally. i wanted us to do more things together and i felt that he was not initiating anything, when i asked him to he told me we can plan to do something, (the next day) he would call me but he never did and now he has vanished again, this is so frustrating , i asked myself why did he come back, why did he promise me all this things why was he so nice to me and wanting us to be an item if he was not serious?

This is when i googled and got to learn that there is someone called a vanisher and what to do, (I wish i had read about this before)i felt so stupid to believe him and i felt so bad to fall for this. but the good thing is i don't feel bad i only feel sorry for him to lose someone as precious as i am, we would have been good together (or maybe not). i have come to conclude that maybe he was this fantasy that i had and its time to wake up and take charge. i have since taken a break from Online dating, need to take a break from all this drama recharge an try again in a month or so but in the meatime i now know what to do. should he come back ( am almost certain that he does ( i hope for his own sake he doesn't) for this time i am all in ready with all the information i have gathered from you all and i am going to use it all. in the mean time i have cut all communication ( its a week now and i have succeffully not communicated even though i have wanted to), today i had this urge to communicate and i decided to google again and thats how i found this site my God this has been so helpfull and informative i have learned so much thank you all for sharing you stories its so nice to know that i am not alone.

so my dear ladies this is my lifes story a lesson learned but now i can confidently say that i have graduated to mordern dating ( even though i am still old fashioned) Online dating is going to be just another game to play am sure there is someone out there for me now i know what to do to make sure i don't fall in this trap again.

I have concluded that sometimes the vanishers are very good at what they do ( or maybe it was me that was naive) but thank you for reading my story. its been theraputice to talk about it. Call me Anonymous Diva.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous Diva again

I will not lie part of me still yearns for Mr Vanisher, my heart skips a beat when i see him (i just hope i do not see him this soon) and hopefully with time i'll be much more stronger and in control so that i am able to play the game on him too... i also know that its not me, he has issues of his own so the score is 0:0, and with all i have learned from all you that score is going to change and it will be 1 or 2 for me ( now i better keep it all together) over to the next ;-)

cheers to you all

loretta said...

Dear Anonymous Diva (above) - don't be too hard on yourself. The kind of guy who disappears like that doesn't think too much and isn't hard on himself at all. He probably doesn't even realize what he's lost yet. And even if he never does, you have dodged a bullet. I know it's difficult in the early stages of being abandoned (which is what it feels like) to imagine you're better off, but trust me you are.

I try to think like a guy now - and I have not tolerated any disappearing men or lazy men, or guys who treat me like an afterthought. As a result, I've gone through a lot of one-two month courtships (no sex), only having them lose interest because I won't pursue them. I am holding out for a guy who, when he gets to know me a little, thinks, HELL YEAH!

Wait for "HELL YEAH!" It will come. If you don't sleep with them, you don't get too attached. It hurts a lot less, or not at all. But, don't beat yourself up for that, either. Just understand that it changes how you feel. It's not "bad" (and it's good, really, but with consequences), and as long as you didn't risk pregnancy or diseases, just chalk it up to a nice roll in the hay. No crime there.

Best of luck to you in the future!

Anonymous said...

Hi Loretta,

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement, am waiting for Hell Yeah am sure he's around the corner:-)

cheers from Anonymous Diva

Anonymous said...

Thank you Mirror for validating me. This article totally illustrates what I just went through only a week ago. I had an encounter with a former associate. We had a few dates..non-intimate.. and he was giving hints he was interested in developing something. So I called him one day to have a non-confrontational conversation for clarity sake about what we were or what we weren't. I left a message and a text about wanting to talk. Never heard from him again...you would think he though I "caught" him in the cookie jar with someone which was silly since we were never anything official at that point. Fast forward SIX YEARS LATER...count them..6...who should I get a text from (need you guess). The past six years was out of sight out of mind for me as far as he was concerned, but when he texted me...I was in such RAGE about it and it really took me off guard because I thought how audacious could this nut be. I never responded to the text ever (which I am so glad I didn't), but I was filled with so much ANGER about it. Part of me (my ego)REALLY wanted to cuss him out and give him several pieces of my mind, but I realized I was out of control. I thought why did this text make me want to commit homicide. I then had to do some self-analysis as to WHY I was angry. What I came to was I thought we were friends enough we could have had the conversation with no pressure, but that was a lie. I realized we weren't friends and the guy I am with would have at least acknowledged me in the course of six years. I had to come to grips with that truth and the truth did hurt. The other truth is I had to realize their situation whatever it was had come to an end and in his mind I was going to be that transition girl to help lick his wounds because he was lonely, horny, or both...so he could dump me later after I would have invested in him so he could go for something "better". I said hell to the no and what I gained was a renewed respect and healing for myself in realizing I am just fine as I am...and the right guy will see it because I can say I authentically see it and I own it now. Its not worth it ladies. All you are doing is setting yourself up for hurt. What I learned is how to make myself a priority with that experience...not with my hair appointments and gym workouts..but with my emotions and my heart. I learned I have to value that first before I can expect someone else to and then be disappointed when they don't. Girls you are more powerful when you say nothing and don't respond back to these clowns. They don't care about you. They just want you to alter yourself to accommodate them. No more..no less.

smiles said...

Hi Mirror,
I have a question for you. I began seeing a man a few months ago and I took things VERY slow.I've barely kissed him. I'm realizing that EVERYTHING you say is the absolute truth and i'm finally starting to practice it and i'm seeing a lot of men for who they really are. This man in particular has asked me out a few times for dinner and to meet up with his friends over the last few months. He's always been attentive, polite and very complimentary towards me. He disappears A LOT after our dates and then sends the casual "Hi what's going on text" and I eventually stopped replying to them because he wasn't asking me to do anything.

Fast forward to last Sunday I get a text from him saying, "Time flies! How are you? Happy Easter." I never responded and didn't feel a bit of guilt. I'm learning!! Cut to last night I get this text from him:

"What happened? Is that your way of saying u r tired of my %$#@?" (These texts are verbatim..lol..
I didn't fall for the trap! I knew he was trying to get me to open up and see if I still liked him but I played dumb and said): "Not sure what you mean?" To which he said: "Lol..u did not respond to the last couple of messages I sent." And I said: "I got your Easter message yes and the one before I did respond. I never heard from you about the bike ride." (a MONTH ago we planned a bike ride and he never confirmed so I moved on). He then says: "Ok..maybe I'm just being sensitive. U r just hard to figure out. I still would like to do that ride." I waited to see if he'd actually ASK me when I was free and lol...he never did so I say: Ok, i'm free next weekend. Maybe Friday or Saturday." To which he replied: "Sounds good. And so we shall."

At this point I don't even want to go. Everything you say about men is right. This guy isn't even a bad one just insecure but I saw exactly what he was doing. Trying to get me to pursue him and it IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. I can't believe how nice I've been over the last 20 years of dating thinking that the nicer I am the more men will like me. NOT! I'm not sure if I have a question but I would like your feedback as to how I handled the situation (which wasn't even serious, he just wanted to make it serious).

Thanks xoxo

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I'm not sure if I have a question but I would like your feedback as to how I handled the situation (which wasn't even serious, he just wanted to make it serious)."

Well, you handles it like a pro ;-)

And not because you "won" or anything like that - but because you showed self-discipline, self-control, emotional stability, confidence, strong will, smarts and intelligence, grace and dignity, and a carefree attitude.

And THAT is the power of a woman, and now you get to FEEL that power. You get to realize that you have a lot more say and control in what happens to you in life, and the experiences you have (good and bad) - more than you probably believed you did before this.

Because let's face it, had you become insecure with this man and then became very accommodating to him, pursued him, etc. -- you'd be feeling like crap about yourself right now. Because I can guarantee you he would've played games with your emotions and the situation itself, just as he's already doing.

But now, he sees you're "different." ("U r just hard to figure out.") And that's actually a good thing. It means you're not predictable, controllable, emotionally weak and boring as a result. (Yes, that's how men interpret that behavior from women.)

And not only that, he sees your STRENGTH.

And because he sees your strength, it actually FORCES him to acknowledge his own weaknesses (that we all know he has because he feels the need to play games to win a woman over, versus using real social skills to do so.) And that process of him being forced to acknowledge his own weaknesses is already taking place. He said, "maybe I'm just being sensitive."

Translation: "Maybe I'm just being insecure."

Yes, he is behaving insecure because he IS insecure. If he were a confident man, he would not feel the need to use manipulation and games to win a woman over. . .he would use his social skills, masculinity, and gentlemanly behavior instead ;-)

Carrying yourself as you are when dating ensures that you will no longer have negative, painful dating experiences. . .because you are wise enough to NOT invest emotionally into situations or men that are making no wise investments into YOU.

So now, the power and control over your future, and your future experiences, is YOURS -- how does it feel?

Enjoy! ;-)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I should add too that this man KNOWS full well EXACTLY what he's been doing to you (playing games). He gave himself away when he was again insecure and said "Is that your way of saying u r tired of my %$#@?"

Translation: "Is that your way of saying u r tired of my shit (game playing)?"

He admitted he's not approaching this as his "best self" and instead, he's giving you a bunch of shit.

He doesn't deserve rewarded for that with more of your time and attention - so stay the course and only reward PROPER treatment and PROPER behavior with more of your time and attention.

And do not contact him about this bike ride. Because he hasn't committed to a damn thing here, he's still playing games. You said, "Ok, i'm free next weekend. Maybe Friday or Saturday."

To which he said, "Sounds good. And so we shall."

Umm, so you shall - WHEN? Friday? Sunday? Who knows, because once again this man is attempting to set you up to chase him. He's acting evasive, vague and non-committal. He said yes, but never clarified when. . .because he's expecting you to behave in a predictable manner. He's expecting you to become insecure (like he is) when the weekend approaches and you have not heard from him. He's expecting to start hearing from you by Thursday of the week saying things like, "Are we going on the bike ride tomorrow. Or are we going Sunday? And if so, what time?"

That's what he's attempting to set up here by being non-committal and evasive and playing a bunch of damn games, instead of being a confident man who makes a firm plan, asks for a firm date, and then simply follows through.

If you don't hear from this man by Tuesday about a bike ride on Friday - you're not available on Friday for the ride. Even if you are, you're NOT available because you've made other plans. When you did not receive confirmation from him in advance, you made obligations elsewhere (even if you haven't).

That signals to him that 1) YOUR time is just as valuable as his, 2) YOU are in DEMAND and there are others out there that also want your time, 3) You are not sitting around waiting on him, 4) You are not insecure and as a result, you will not chase a man or question him or question your own self-worth as a result, 5) If this man wants to see you, he needs to get serious about that by conducting himself properly, and treating you and your time respectfully.

If he does not cement firm plans for a date by at least 3 days prior, then he gets no date. Instead, he gets sent back to the drawing board to start from square one, until he figures out how to conduct himself properly when dating and learns to treat women respectfully.

Anonymous said...

Amazing stuff. A_maz_ing. I'm one of those that "fell" into the whole text/sext thing, but I made him "wait" as I was going through a divorce. He pursued me to start with, and when I told him I was getting a divorce he said "I'm not sure how to proceed with you now, just wait?" Which I thought was sweet...

Anyway, I liked the attention tho duh, so kept texting him a bit. Of course it turned sexual, and sext exchanges (he sent me a pic but I refused), I told him I wouldn't text him anymore until I was ready (officially divorced). His reply "whatever you have to do to feel proper". Which I thought was sweet... Btw the way I actually enjoyed the sexting, but enough was enough lol.

ANYWAY. About a week ago I sent him a text and told him I wanted to see him the next night... this was 2 or 3mths after no texting like I said. He said he'd enjoy seeing me and I went to meet him. I'm going to be honest here, I wanted sex. Needed it after that terrible marriage lol. And I was/a, extremely attracted to this guy.

We went to his place, had great sex, wine, laughs etc. He ended up talking for about an hour or more about himself and he seemed to feel good about that - I'm happy to listen.

ANYWAY. I didn't say much when I left - he's about 20years older than me and said "you're a good kid".... ummmm. I just said bye and away I went. The next morning he sent me a pic of some food I had jokingly asked him to get next time he was in the supermarket, with the text "see how I listen?".

I was in class (I'm not that young btw, early 30's!!)... so didn't reply for a few hours. A couple of days later I texted "can i come around and get that food sometime this week please?' He said "sure, as soon as my friends leave town, i will have more time".

I said "good". THEN, ugh, made a sext comment WHYYYYY!!!!! No reply. meh, whatever. A couple of days later I sent a random text meant as a joke/check in. Nothing.

That last text was about 4 days ago, about 8days in total since the Deed. Here's the deal - I know he is busy, his career is nice - he's "old" remember lol.... and he was talking about something he was doing at the time. But, I can't work out if he has actually disappeared on me, on purpose, or if he is just busy.

I don't plan to text him at all, and think I really should start to play much harder to get. I get the feeling he knows I will simply contact him (or thinks that), want more sex, and it's very easy for him isn't it. I don't want more at this stage, but I would like to be pursued, and remain open to any possibility. Haven't mentioned anything along those lines to him tho. Ugh.

Part of me also thinks he's playing this game on purpose, of making me wait, since I made him wait those 2 or 3 months in the beginning..... I don't think he enjoyed that at all, even thought he was good about it.

What should I do? If he does contact me again (do you think he will??!) should I wait a few days, or just a few hours? Should I let him initiate EVERYTHING from now on, and wait for an actual date, or..... would it be ok to just go and have some physical fun again. Yikes.

Remember.... he bought me that very particular food, which I still have yet to pick up. Surely that says something lol.

He's a leo, I'm a libra. Just for information :))) A very obvious leo too, I have to say.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@May 7, 10:33 PM,
"Should I let him initiate EVERYTHING from now on, and wait for an actual date, or..... would it be ok to just go and have some physical fun again."

I'd let him initiate from now on. If you don't do that, and you continue to contact him, you're going to land yourself in "hookup" territory in no time - meaning, if you want more than that, don't continue on the path you're on. The path you're on will lead to a brief fling, not a relationship.

If a brief fling is what you're after, then carry on. However, I suspect you've developed some feelings for this man, and the more you have sex, the more feelings you're going to develop. If that's the case, take a different approach, let him initiate, and see where things lead.

Anonymous said...

May 7, 10:33 PM here... I shall call myself "Lady Stark" from now on lol, to make it easier to keep up for those following - as I know how helpful it is to follow these comments. Mirror - thank you, so much. I believe you have saved me from a bit of a disaster :)

Haven't heard anything yet from Older Leo Man, it's a week today since my last lame joke text and deathly silence. My plan is to let him initiate. If/when he texts, I won't reply straight away, probably won't wait a few days since I don't think he is a player but I will at least leave it a few hours :)

Your are correct Mirror - I do have some feelings for him. Right now, I know most of them are "in my head". However, I am INCREDIBLY attracted to him, uuugggggh he's so sexy. And, he is also a good sincere guy, I just get that feeling from him. And I do have a lot of experience with opposite of that so I can tell lol....

Agreed, if I slept with him again, I will continue to develop feelings for him, and fairly quickly. I am ok now, I needed/wanted that physical sex and was pretty aware of that going in. But, no more, as much as I want it until I can suss this out a bit more. He has actually done me a HUGE favor by disappearing, if I had my way I would have done it again with him the day after, and right now I would be in a whole lot of trouble :) Thank you for confirming that Mirror.

Here's my plan, and I will update as it goes along for all you lovely ladies out there. Our experiences are helpful when we share them. So... if/when he texts, and I play all aloof and Don't Care, I am sure he will invite me over to his place again. To which I shall say something along the lines of "I can't do another couch date, I'm sorry".

Which will throw him, since I was so willing before. He will either try to convince me anyway. Ask me why not (most likely - and to which I'm not entirely sure how I'll respond yet), or, ask me on a proper date lol.

Right now, I'll see how this goes. I would like to have more with this man, but right now it's about protecting myself and TRYING to stay realistic and semi-logical. I can see it becoming a slippery slope fast, THANK YOU Mirror, again, for everything you do here. PHEW!!! Wish me luck ladies, and as I said, will keep you all updated:)

Game face on ;)

xxxx Lady Stark

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Lady Stark,
"he is also a good sincere guy, I just get that feeling from him"

Think about that for a minute. I mean - REALLY think about that. Do good, sincere men disappear without a word immediately after having sex with a woman - knowing that that leaves a woman questioning herself and ultimately feeling bad about herself?

"I am sure he will invite me over to his place again. To which I shall say something along the lines of "I can't do another couch date, I'm sorry"."

I wouldn't say it quite like that, although I get where you're going with that and yes, you're on the right track. I'd be a bit more positively influential about it though. Using the phrase "couch date" might make him get defensive. Instead, I'd say, "How about dinner and a movie this time?" And leave it at that.

If he balks at that, then his actions are telling you that he's seeking sex and a hookup - not a date or someone to spend time with. His response will tell you a lot ;-)

"He will either try to. . .Ask me why not (most likely - and to which I'm not entirely sure how I'll respond yet)"

Respond in the same exact manner that you'd casually respond to a friend in the same situation with - because you feel like dinner and a movie tonight, that's why LOL.

When you're a child and a friend says, "Hey, wanna' come over and hang out in my room or play ball in the yard after school?" And you don't want to, what do you say? You say, "Nah, how about we go to the park instead? I don't wanna' play ball or sit in a room tonight."

You don't have to justify why you don't want to do what someone suggests. All you need to do is be honest and tell them, no - I really don't want to do that tonight, I'm in the mood to do this instead.

And they can either decline or agree - no explanation necessary ;-)

Anonymous said...

"Think about that for a minute. I mean - REALLY think about that. Do good, sincere men disappear without a word immediately after having sex with a woman - knowing that that leaves a woman questioning herself and ultimately feeling bad about herself?"

Eeeek, blinders are coming off :( I'm also starting to realize/remember there is a big difference between SINCERITY and INTEGRITY. My ex husband was actually sincere I believe a lot of the time, but he had a complete lack of integrity and this made him a very very bad husband indeed....

And thank you for the reminder about no explanations necessary, that's so true, that is exactly how I would respond to a friend - as a child or adult... Why on earth do we lose our brains with men?!!

This reminds me of quote I like from Kate Moss of all people, "Never complain, never explain". It's probably a good rule to live by :)

Thank you - Lady Stark

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Lady Stark,
"Why on earth do we lose our brains with men?!!"

I believe that as women, many of us are people pleasers. When we were young, most of us were probably taught that if you smile, and you're nice all the time, and you do things for people all the time and make yourself of service to them - you will receive love in return.

Which is absolutely not true. If anything, that behavior gets you taken for granted instead.

But that doesn't change the fact that, when we want love, how do we go about getting it? We make ourselves of service, we smile a lot, and we're really, really nice.

So when we meet a man we really like, we begin trying REALLY hard. And in doing so, we actually change our behavior from that of confident strength - to a lesser position of "Pick me, pick me. Look what I can do for you!" Because somewhere along the line when growing up, we were taught/learned that if you behave like an appliance and do, do, do for others, you will receive love.

And over-explaining ourselves and our actions comes from that "lesser" position mindset. It stems from a deep rooted feeling of "I have to try really, really hard to please him so I can prove myself worthy of his love." And inside of that explanation, we're waiting for his approval and validation of our worth.

You are already worthy of love dear. You do not have to over-explain yourself or justify your decisions to receive it. And when you meet a true gentlemen, they do not behave in ways that set you up to feel "less" somehow, or undeserving (they don't disappear on you without a word ;-)

Anonymous said...

A Lady Stark update :))

Sooooo I did pretty well for nearly 3 weeks lol, then I thought, you know, I might just try little nudge (I know, I know, totally against everything here...). So I just sent him a silly emoji text, the one with the slightly blushing face... 1 minute later his reply:

"Good morning XXX, how have you been? Don't worry, I still have your food" the "food" is nonperishable btw lol.

So I texted back, 12mins later "Oh good. Plain so-and-so is getting old" (not sure why I'm hesitant about writing the actual name of the food on here, as if he would see it, ha!)

Then, nothing. I'm sure he expected a "Oh good, I'll come around tonight and get it..."

But no. That was my nudge, and now I go back to being poof. I get the feeling he is seriously waiting for me to initiate the "dates", probably out of laziness, probably because I initiated the first. Possibly out of wanting to seem as though he isn't just after sex and this is his way of not being pushy AKA sincere, possibly that he isn't really that concerned lol.

But, I have to say, these few weeks of no contact have been GREAT for me. I feel so much stronger and empowered and so much more aware of the whole dating/male thing. If this guy doesn't work out, I know he was meant to be for what he was - a teacher. A huge lesson.

I do hope he works out though :))

Lady Stark

Unknown said...

GREAT article!! A month ago, I ended a 'FWB' type relationship which amounted to weekly or sometimes biweekly hanging out and sex for a year and 2 months. I thought that we were friends who had sex, we always had fun, he cooked me fantastic dinners and I spent many nights, but when I told him that sex with him left me feeling used and shitty, because he was not affectionate at all, he told me he couldn't see me anymore and vanished.

I sent him a couple of emails and got no response,and then I went dead silent and have remained so for 24 days (and counting)....

The end of the relationship was NOT what hurt me so badly...it was the way that it ended. I thought that we had mutual respect, at least. When I entered into the arrangement, it was because I had just left an emotionally abusive long term relationship and needed a warm body to keep me from going back, and he knew this. We spent every Saturday night together for over a year! I was dumbfounded that he could just dump me without a second thought.

Live and learn.....thank you for the very, very helpful article. I am sure that my choice to stay away and remain silent is the right one.

Hurt and broken said...

Funny, last post here was made on my 60th birthday. A year ago my husband and I moved to Central America. In the weeks that followed our 25 th wedding anniversary Oct. 2015, I noticed something was missing from his eyes. I had to come back to USA several times between then and now, this Mother's Day being my last arrival back, thinking I was looking for a way to redefine marriage, because in March I went back to C.A. for surgery, YES, he had an apartment rented for me for "his return" to me. Not our bed mind you... Fast forward to today, I told him goodbye. He will not "tell" me anything. I think it is depression and a MLC he is 11 years younger. But anyway my last trip back south destroyed my armor. Thank you for letting me share. I am going back to C.A. to honor my residency that he insisted I follow thru with. Going to take a lot of strength to say the least. But 25 years of no fighting with him, and what I "thought" was the perfect marriage made me very strong, but more heartbroken than I ever thought possible. Yes, guess in our 2 month re-union there and now up until today... my crying was too much for him. I refuse to be a casualty of his "war". He insists no other woman in his life, he just wants to be "alone". Funny how he got himself situated in another country befor he announced DIVORCE.

Unknown said...

I just read the article and love this. Right now, I'm in a similar situation where your first date just..... disappears out of nowhere.

I have been talking to this guy for a week and a half and thought that we were in good friendly terms. Then we decided to make our first date. We selected the date, time, and place. So things couldn't go wrong, yeah?

Well, after confirmation, he suddenly doesn't text back anymore. Just poof. I texted first since the last text we had is late in the night. No response. Okay, I thought. Maybe he's just busy with work since he does freelance film and photography as his job. Fast forward to another week: No texting, calling, or anything from him during that period. It was a day before our date and I just texted him saying, "Excited for a date tomorrow. If you have any problems or anything wrong with the schedule, call/text me." Even after that? No response.

Fast forward to another any later. Our first date. The time where it matters the most in which to get to know each other. I waited 3 hours for him! Gave him one hour extra if he gets traffic. Nothing. No man showing up at the door. Nothing! I got confused a little bit. Then a little anxious. Then mad. Really really mad! And I rarely get made. Waiting usually is a norm for me since my friends always show up for meeting 30 minutes to an hour. But he just never showed up. And that made me mad because that not only wasted my time, but is also showing me how disrespectful and irresponsible he is of time management and confirmation.

After just going, 'fuck-it' mood and binge eating with my sister all night, I texted (I shouldn't have gave him any attention though), "Nice of you to 'show up'". Then deleted being his friend and his phone number. All the sweet talks he did is just a talk and no show. And I had never been stood ever, even since the last five years of my dating life. Never had been this angry at a date since my first boyfriend. And it's hard to get me angry. I just wished I never gave him that text message since that still wastes y time on him.

JACKIE said...

Hi there...I need help! I used to talk to a guy who I really liked. And I'm sure he liked me too as he used to always come to my place and I never went to him. He respected my veganism and always brought me vegan dips and vegan goodies etc etc...He also respected the that I didn't want to have sex with him just yet etc etc. And I didn't care about the fact that I opened up to him rather easily after 2.5 months passed. He felt the same way but wasn't quite good with words (weirdly he was 28 but never had a girlfriend). He travels a lot and is rather free spirited and a very drama free guy. This is what I enjoyed about him the most. However, prior to meeting me he bought tickets to travel for 8 months (until January 2017) with his brother to Eurasian countries. He's been there since May, and he's contacted me after a few months of not talking at all. Although we have each other on Facebook we've never spoken on it. Well I thought he'd at least wish me a happy birthday as I wished him one in April. But he didn't. So whatever I let that go. But, this past tuesday, its been 4 days since then, he contacted me casually. He goes "Hows everything in melbourne?? Hows the cold weather been???" And if it were any other guy I would not respond but its been about 5 months since he's been gone from Melbourne australia, and I can't forget him at all. Every part of me thinks about him everyday. I honestly never ever felt like that about anyone else before. I just read this blog. And you said to wait as long as he did in contacting him. Okay so does this mean I should wait months before responding? Ive been more active than ever on fb since he contacted me onTuesday and Im pretty sure I have the upper hand right now and he's probably thinking "shit I no longer have her, she's moved on." but fuck that he's totally done that whole disappearing thing. So my question to you is...how do I respond, what do I say, how many more days do I wait. And how do I keep him there to know Im interested still but may be seeing someone else, so he doesn't think I'm here waiting for him like a loser? The thing is I got very mixed messages from him. All his actions were on point as in his interest towards me as in paying for absolutely everything. However, his words were always like, "Jackie u can see other people I'm going away for a long time. I wish I wasn't because it sucks that now I met you but I already bought my ticket and planned this trip with my brother for so long" etc etc I think he may have really opened up once and then closed back down again. But I didn't care because he showed me everything I needed with his actions. And after he left melbourne, he went from mid march to mid may to work in a different australian state and we texted for a little and then that died off. Then right before he left actual Australia he texted me he was leaving and wanting know how I have been etc. The messages then again began back and forth, but again I started writing whole stories to him (easily forgetting that he pulled away for about 2 months)...but honestly the reason I am still hanging on is because right before he left my apartment he said, "alright I gotta go.." and I said wait what was it that you said the other day? that sometimes its better not to say bye?" he goes "Yeah because bye means forever" and i said "aww alright so then lets not say it" he goes "alright ill see you later" so I was like "ill see you later"..and I know he's coming back to melbourne to finish his nursing degree...I just don't know what to do. Do I leave this message on fb alone? Do i respond harshly and to the point and cold cut. do I ask him how he's been too? etc etc. and most importantly how many more days do I keep him waiting? without coming off too bitchy/intentionally playing games? Thanks! xo

JACKIE said...

Hi I know I just wrote a post, but to add on,,,should I give him a mini explanation as to why I haven't responded? something like..."Hiiiiiii! sorry didn't see this message it was all the way at the bottom of my message list/junk folder..anyway yah melbourne weather sucks right now. just wanna get through this semester already..and start tanning again lol...where in the world are you now? x" or should i be like "everythings good :) just stressed per usual ha..melbourne weather sucks right now..how are things with you? where in the world are u now?" x or should i just respond and say "Im good..hope things are good with you too:) see u in melburne :)" don't know which one to say haha...help please..because literally all he asked was, "whats been happening ??? Hows the cold Melbourne weather treating you ??" now i highly doubt he's been hooking up w anyone in these eurasian countries lol..im sure its that thing u said..u ignore and they come back..at one point he even told me, "Jackie I liked when u played hard to get" something along those lines...I just feel like its gonna be a bit hard to catch this fish as he has traveled his whole life and doesn't get attached easily..but i feel like its been 5-6 months of us not seeing each other if he's still reaching out then theres clearly an imprint i left on him no? xo

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I just read this blog. And you said to wait as long as he did in contacting him. Okay so does this mean I should wait months before responding?"

This article is about men who disappear, and the impact that has on the woman that he disappeared on. The man you're dealing with did not disappear on you. He took a scheduled vacation that you knew about in advance.

"he's totally done that whole disappearing thing"

I'm not sure that this is an actual disappearance. I realize it's been months since you've heard from him, but he is on vacation. When people are on vacation, I don't really expect to hear from them. . .because they're on vacation. They're enjoying themselves, getting away from it all, seeing new things every day, enjoying new experiences, etc. You're enjoying things so much that you really don't think a whole lot about what's going on at home. But that's the point of a vacation. When I'm on vacation, I leave it all behind so that I feel like I've actually had a break from everything.

And while it would've been nice if he touched based sooner, he chose not to for whatever reason, which signals that he's not viewing this as a commitment of any type, he does not feel obligated to you, and he's viewing the situation as "casual" (not committed, sporadic, etc.) You're free to do the same - view the situation as casual and nothing more.

"how do I respond, what do I say, how many more days do I wait"

In this case, I would just treat the situation as casual. Don't jump on any of the communications and simply respond back when it's convenient for you, as he's doing when it's convenient for him.

"how do I keep him there to know Im interested still but may be seeing someone else, so he doesn't think I'm here waiting for him like a loser?"

You can't control other people, you can only control your reaction to them. So you can't "keep" him there. And if you treat the situation casually and respond only when it's convenient for you, then your actions are telling him that you're interested (your still responding), but your entire world is not revolving around him (you also have your own life).

"I just don't know what to do."

You can't do anything. You can't control others. And if he's genuinely interested, you won't have to do anything. When he returns, he will seek you out. And when/if he does, he will then attempt to see you once that's possible again.

In the meantime, keep moving forward with your life. If you're still single when he returns and if he seeks you out at that time and wants to see you -- you can then decide if you'd like to proceed at that time.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Do I leave this message on fb alone?"

I'd simply respond when it's convenient for you. If that's a day later, then so be it. If that's a week later, then so be it.

"Do i respond harshly and to the point and cold cut"

Not if you'd like to see him again.

"should I give him a mini explanation as to why I haven't responded?"

No - you don't owe him any explanation. You don't have to answer to him. Meaning, you're not committed to him, you're not obligated to him, he's not your boyfriend, husband or lover -- so you don't have to explain yourself to him. He's not explaining himself to you.

"at one point he even told me, "Jackie I liked when u played hard to get"

That's because men enjoy a good challenge. If he like that, then that's how you proceed.

"I just feel like its gonna be a bit hard to catch this fish as he has traveled his whole life and doesn't get attached easily"

Right -- so you have to keep that in mind. This man has never committed himself to anyone but himself. So don't get too far ahead of yourself thinking that he'll happily land himself into a committed relationship. Chances are he won't do that, even when he returns. Which is why you simply keep moving forward with your life. Don't put it on hold because you think he "might" want something more.

Keep moving forward, continue to date other men, and when he returns, if he seeks you out -- then you can decide at that time if you'd like to see him again to see where this goes.

Anonymous said...

Hi @themirrorofaphrodite

Me and this guy been dealing with each other for a year. We look out for each other for anything.

Everything was going great, until recently we've been arguing a lot lately within the past 3 weeks. 2 Saturday's ago we've hung out over his place (had sex, laughed, night cap etc).

Then the work week started Monday and I noticed all week until today he started acting distant towards me( haven't been calling or texting, being around me),I've heard rumors of him talking/messing with this new girl that like him, so I confronted him about his behavior and the rumors I've heard...

He said "I've got a lot going on"

When I asked about girl, he looked puzzled and said "you heard what, I don't talk to that girl, I don't like her"

I said to him "if you didn't want to talk or mess with me anymore you should've said that instead of doing everything that you're doing right now "

And he said "I didn't say I didn't want you"

So I just stopped talking and said you can have your space.

(This was all on last Tuesday)

I've haven't heard from him until Friday at work when I was walking to restroom and he followed by touching me on my back and arms saying hello how you doing what's up.

At noon I got ill and let work early and
he texted me and said " are you ok, you good?"

I said "yes thanks for asking"
He responded "ok that's good"

But what I want to know is why this change, what's going on and what can I do to bring him closer again??

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Aug 29, 12:28 AM,
"why this change, what's going on and what can I do to bring him closer again?"

No one knows why the sudden change - but him. And if he's not willing to be honest about that, then that tells you something (that he's not sharing or opening up with you). We can only speculate that it might be this other woman that rumors are swirling about.

And the truth is -- you shouldn't have to "do" anything to bring him closer to you.

Men who are genuinely interested do not need prompted. Men who are genuinely interested only require you to be yourself. That's it.

Additionally, we cannot control others and make them love us or want to be with us. We can only control our reaction to them. So if a man is signaling to you that he's not being open with you, he's not sharing with you, he's keeping things from you, he may not be completely honest with you, and he's behaving as if he's not genuinely interested. . .then he's telling you A LOT.

Instead of trying to "do, do, do" things to control a person or situation that you simply cannot control -- it's much wiser to simply observe what the man's actions are telling you. And then make a decision ABOUT HIM. Meaning, don't worry about trying to get into HIS good graces.

Because the truth is, he should be worried about falling OUT of YOUR good graces -- and apparently he's not concerned about that. So why concern yourself with a man that isn't concerning himself with you? Why worrying about "doing" things to draw his attention towards you when he's not concerned about the fact that his recent behavior may actually force you to direct your attention elsewhere (to other men instead)?

In otherwords, you're worrying about why his attention has been diverted. But he's not worried about the fact that YOUR attention might be diverted as a result. That tells us that he thinks he has you, right where he wants you. And that no matter how he treats you, you're not going anywhere anyway (because you don't have other options and your attention is 100% laser focused on him).

Does that make sense?

He should be worried that YOU might turn your attentions elsewhere because HE is NOT giving you any of his. But he's not. Instead, he's acting as if everything is fine. You shouldn't have to bend over backwards and strategize and "do" things to garner a man's attention. You should simply just be yourself and men that are genuinely interested will naturally be drawn to the energy that your true self radiates out into the world.

And for those men that are not drawn to your true self. . .nine times out of ten dear, those men aren't even worth dating. They're not committed, they're not interested in a commitment, they're not treating you like a priority, they're not behaving as if they're genuinely interested and in it for the long haul and generally speaking. . .they participate in 2 or 3 month long random short-lived hookups and then just disappear or slowly fade away.

If he chooses to live like that, and he chooses not to make you a priority, and not to recognize the wonderful person that you are and value you as such - and if he chooses to simply fade away of become Mr. Random Hookup Dude -- then that's his loss and what those actions are telling you is that he's not worth taking seriously as a potential long-term partner.

If a man's attention can be easily diverted from you. . .then he's not a man that's in it to win it with you. And once you know that, you can then proceed accordingly (either treat them like a booty call/hookup, and/or move on away from them to find your happiness with someone who values you and the person you are instead ;-)

Archis said...

Mirror- I can't begin to tell you how gob smacked I am- in a good way. I felt I was going nuts!please advise me on my situation :
I've been friends with a guy for 8 years. We met via a mutual friend and immediately we hit it off. Flirting via text, meeting up for coffee, and him inviting me over to hang it for drinks and BBQ. He would suddenly disappear for a few days but would always show back up again apologizing. Well, he came clean one morning saying he had to be honest and he didn't want to hurt me but he has a GF. She lives 4 hours away, and he lives here/works. I was devastated, and hurt. I pulled back but we stayed friends. Well he told me a lot about her and gave me examples of how "she wasn't me." Our flirting increased but we never slept together. A kiss and hug whenever we saw eachother was about it , but we always told eachother how if things were different ... we just connected. A few years go by and he meets my family and loves them. He even starts texting my father who meets him for drinks once in awhile. This guy has turned into a best friend who leans on my shoulder and tells me about his issues from his past (I won't get into it), and who shares his fears with me. I am there for him at the drop of a hat when he has a couple of medicial issues. He volunteers his time and helps me around my place and also teaches me about carpentry and mechanics. I love it ! We laugh, have fun ... it's chemistry. Fast forward to last year. I ended up in hospital, almost dieing because of a bad interaction with a medicine. I texted him from hospital and did not hear a word. It took a week before I saw him in person. He had started to withdraw before I got sick after he got sick himself. He didn't want any of my help and vanished for awhile. His entire personality seemed to change. So, I was frustrated with him. I went back to work and he started texting me again but not nearly as much. A few months ago I saw him outside the mall and he was extremely happy to see me. (Mind u I had texted him numerous times about coming to see me after I got sick and heard nothing for a month or more). He told me how good I looked and wondered if he could swing by sometime and we could cuddle and watch movies like we used to. Remember I have known his guy for years... I told him that I have been waiting for him to chill and come over and hang out for awhile but he just disappears. I then asked him point blank - do you have feelings for me? Does 'this cause you to back off? He said yes and blushed . It's the most uncomfortable I've seen him get. He then told me that if we were to hang out again and see eachother more we couldn't fall in love . Sorry Charlie but I'm pretty sure one of us is already there and is struggling with that. So now it's last week. I see him with his friends and he says hello and how I'm really looking amazing. He just stared with these blue eyes that bacisally make you want to swim in them. Ahem soooo his friends walk away and I tell him how I changed my security code for my condo so I gave him that. I also gave him a Starbucks card that I had been trying to give him for months. It was a thank u for him working on a project that I couldn't do myself. He thanked me and hugged me and then had to go. I have not heard or seen him since. A side note : he hasn't texted me in a month. If I see him in person, he acts fine, but no texting. It's sooo frustrating , and hurts like hell. The last thing i texted him was how my family had asked how he was, but I honestly didn't know because I never hear from him. I told him how I never want to crowd him and am here to listen if he has things going on. That was it. What do I do with this? I want my guy best friend back ... I honestly don't care about the other stuff and would prefer to just have the friendship because he is unique, and I like that about him. Advice ?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"What do I do with this?"

You accept it, and move forward with your life.

You have no choice. Your other option is to dwell on it, let hold you back and negatively affect your future by keeping you stuck in the past.

"I want my guy best friend back ... I honestly don't care about the other stuff and would prefer to just have the friendship because he is unique, and I like that about him. Advice?"

We cannot control others. We cannot make them like us, love us or want to be with us. We can only control our reaction to them.

Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do about this, other than accept it and continue to move forward with your life. And remind yourself that if this man is okay with this. . .then he wasn't as good a friend as you thought he was. Because if he were, he would be struggling with this and attempting to do something about it himself.

piscesgirl said...

Hi Anonymous @ April 9, 2017 at 7:17 PM
I read your post and I feel for you because im going through a similar situation with a guy I was friends with for a while he would literally message me all day long on messenger to the point where it was annoying at times lol and its been almost a month now since ive heard from him which is the longest that I haven't heard from him. I wasn't going to remove him off my social media networks at first because I didn't want him to think I was affected or even cared but i was upset the other day that he would still look at my profile and not message me so I went ahead and removed him. Hes not gonna have an all access pass to my life if im not hearing from him. I mean how long are you really gonna wait around for someone to come back around. The answer is you don’t wait but it hurts like hell accepting that it is over. What hurts the most is thinking that you really know someone and then they just switch up on you and it leaves you scratching your head wondering if it was all a lie and you could be that stupid to be duped. This guy I was seeing he said he would never just stop talking to me like "c'mon, im not that kind of guy" but actions prove otherwise. I feel like when things move from friendship (which is a safe zone for both girls and guys) to being more intimate and physical, guys end up disappearing before things get too deep because they pick up on your vibes and sense you are developing stronger feelings and they probably don't feel the same way about you and/or don't want a relationship but in the moment they aren't thinking about those things they just act on their physical impulses...(continued)

piscesgirl said...

I think that's why its important to not be afraid to have that talk with guys when you are friends (if they are showing more interest in you) and ask them what it is they are looking for. Its not about pressuring them but just making sure you are on the same page otherwise you could end up getting hurt and left to deal with the wounds when he walks away from you without any explanation. Im sure this guy thinks of you from time to time as they have feelings too and you cant just forget about someone that you used to talk to all the time especially if its been years but if hes not acting on it then just let it go. I agree with Mirror you just need to try to move forward with your life and I would be open to talking to other guys that you might of been brushing off before cause you never know! at least that's what ive been trying to do. You might not ever develop that same connection with anyone else but there is a whole wide world out there with decent guys who wouldn't just disappear because they cared about you and wouldn't want to hurt you. This guy doesn't seem considerate or caring at all. It seems like if he sees you its going to be a matter of convenience to him or maybe hes had a fight with his girlfriend and just wants time away from her but when things are good with her he forgets about you. Its hard not to get answers when you have questions but even if you did ask him a lot of time these types of guy wouldn't even be straightforward and honest because they are skilled liars and manipulators-he couldn’t even be upfront and tell you he had a girlfriend till down the road.
At the end of the day he knows where to find you and if and when he does you can decide whether or not you want to even talk to him again but honestly when a whole month has gone by and I haven't heard from a guy its pretty much game over for him because that is a long time to go without speaking to someone no matter what was going on. I read something that said no matter how good your heart is eventually you just have to start treating people the way they treat you. I know I am a very loving caring considerate girl like a lot of you ladies on here and that is where the problem lies sometimes because you cant even fathom how someone could behave that way -someone that you thought you really knew and could trust and would never expect that from. That's why you are just better off leaving it alone and not trying to figure out complicated people because its impossible.

Anonymous said...

@Archis, This man doesn't sound like a friend at all. He's not there at all when you are sick? Sounds like he is only available during the good times, if that. Honestly from reading what you write, he sounds like a user. Even if he is true on his word for his feelings (which I am doubting by his poor behavior), waiting for him is going to do nothing to help this situation on your behalf.

Archis said...

@Mirror thank you for your reply. I find that I am having issues with this today because the local media did a interview with him so I have seen his face and videos of him. I see the great guy I met years ago and cannot figure out why he is doing this. Why being so cold and just ignoring me? I actually texted him and said how proud o was of him for what I saw on the news. I also joked saying I'm trying to not take this silence so personally but geesh! I doubt I will hear a word from him. The kicker is, we work 3 building away from one another and because of the work we do, he often has to stop in and retrieve documents that I sign off on. My stomache turns thinking about the unknown and unanswered questions I have. Why tell me a month ago that he finds me and always has found me so pretty and wants to sleep with me then disappears like he's scared? I just don't get it....

Archis said...

@Mirror p.s. He is a Scorpio and I'm a Pisces I have heard Scorpios that disappear are "ghosting" and have serious issues....especially regarding close friendships and relationships. Have you ever seen this?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Two very important questions for you to ask yourself:

1) Why is receiving this man's approval so important to you?

When you signal to someone that your self-worth lies in their hands - that you value yourself based on how much THEY VALUE YOU - you're showing them that you don't value yourself (which is why you desperately need them to value you).

2) Why are you looking to YOURSELF as the cause for HIS BEHAVIOR -- instead of accepting that his behavior is a reflection of HIS ISSUES and NOT YOURS?

This man only showed you the parts of himself that he wanted you to see. When an individuals actions do NOT align with their words. . .it's a big red flag that they're manipulating you, not being honest with you, and cannot be trusted.

And when they show you that side of themselves, you don't try harder with them. Instead, you accept them for who they showed themselves to be, and you thank your lucky stars that they did so sooner, rather than later. . .when they could've hurt you a lot worse.

This man has shown you who he truly is. Cease yearning for his approval and attention and instead - hold your head high, thank the universe for showing you the truth, and move forward with your life embracing your future and leaving this man far, far away in your past ;-)

Your issues with this man may be more about your self-worth than about him or his behavior. Think deeply on that and you may find the answers you're looking for.

piscesgirl said...

Good morning Ladies just wanted to provide you all with an update about my disappearing man. Last night I was feeling pretty sad laying in bed thinking about him and missing him and wondering if ill ever hear from him again and to my surprise this morning I woke up and found a message from him in my inbox. He told me never forgot about me and he misses me and has been thinking about me a lot and looking at my pictures all the time but he needed to back off for a while because he felt like I was getting too attached to him and wanting more of his time but I told him it was never like that I never got too attached to him and it was his friendship that I valued more than any of that other stuff and sure I would of liked to spend more time with him but I never pressured him or anything and he shouldn't have read too deeply into anything. I told him that I wish he just told me that instead of just disappearing because it left me wondering if it was me and If I did something that turned him off and he said no way and hes very attracted to me and I turn him on so much and he apologized and said he was also going through some personal stuff. He said he was surprised I didn't say hi to him either but I told him if I feel like someone needs their space I respect that and I give them that. Proof that we shouldn't blame ourselves! the problem isn't always with us-here I was stressed and worried that it was me when that wasn't the case at all. So now I feel better and I didn't make a big deal out of it. I just thought ok this is the rubber band theory in effect. In order for it to work you don't chase you let him come back around to you and now hes back so Im going to show him that im still here but a little further away. Now hes saying he really wants to see me but Im not going to agree to that right away. I think men do like a bit of tension which is why they sometimes pull these disappearing acts its almost like they are trying to get our attention by making us worried and anxious that they are gone forever and when you show them you don't care and carry on with your life they are left scratching their heads- like "what-she's still happy and living her life even though im not around" Now hes going to get a challenge which hes told me before that he likes because im not going to make it easy for him to see me again and now im telling him I don't even think its a good idea to see him anymore because I don't wanna ruin the friendship haha wow this is a game of sorts he asked for it and now that my skills are improving im getting better at playing along its actually kind of fun lol

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

I'd love your input on a disappearing act of another sort. I have a male friend who is in a relationship (some background, in the past he has shown romantic, friendlier interest, but I have never reciprocated). Recently, he has text more often as he got a dog and knows I am in love with mine. I don't mind platonic friendship on this level at all. However, each time I do respond as a friend...after a certain number of exchanges, his texts become "odd" to me. They turn into telling me what he is watching on TV, or that he wants to catch up. (He lives states away and I wouldn't exactly classify him as a close male friend). After he told me what he was watching, I didn't reply (as I didn't feel the need to). His next text at 11 pm read "Miss you." Maybe it's just me, but I find this as odd behavior as someone with a GF (I also think he can talk to his GF about his television watching). I replied the next day saying I had no idea what that text was all about ("Miss you"), but that I was seeing someone and my engagement with him us purely platonic.

My friend thought I should have been gentler; firm with an emoji to soften the blow; while I thought this situation calls for a gun loaded with a direct hit of truth. This man is 44; not sure why I need to use emojis to get the point across like "a polite lady."

He disappeared and I took that as confirmation that he had an agenda of some sort, and is aware I am not down with it. So mission accomplished there. But do you think women need to be "gentle" in these situations?

Anonymous said...

@piscesgirl - how long had this man disappeared for?

Anonymous said...

@piscesgirl - I don't know if what you are saying is so great. Men who like to play/chase like that are either (a) players or (b) commitmentphobes. It sounds more like you enjoy the game because he validated you. What happens if he disappears again? Will you still like the game?

Archis said...

@Mirror thank you. I have read your responses over and over and by golly I think you have really hit the nail on the head. I saw him in person today for all of 3 minutes, and I asked him what the deal was because he really upset me treating me this way. Well, he said he has been having some issues with his ptsd and anxiety. I've known about this for years but it tends to get worse around certain times of the year. I am backing away because I cannot fix him, and I deserve 120% happiness in my life and all he does is leave me wondering ... so thank you Mirror . Pisces out!;)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I am backing away because I cannot fix him, and I deserve 120% happiness in my life and all he does is leave me wondering."

Good for you dear!

You ABSOLUTELY deserve better than this. You deserve to be happy. And this man is not providing happiness for you. He's not supporting you and making you feel good about yourself. Instead, as you said, he's creating heightened anxiety, worry and self-doubt, which is all very damaging to the human spirit.

He's a very negative influence in your life.

Send the negative away. It opens the door for the positive to step in ;-)

Always remember, you deserve to be happy.

Terrie said...

Hey Pisces (I am one as well!) I'm in the same boat as you with a man. He does the disappear act a lot and loves his space. I end up getting so frustrated because he can't be there like I want him to be. He always tells me it's not me, it's him. He gives me as much as possible but it won't ever be enuff to keep me in his back pocket. I disappear and he tends to get worried, and he lures me back in but nothing serious. For my mental sanity (because us Pisces try to fix and resolve things), I am going to give him space. You may want to rethink things with your guy as well. Good luck!

Archis said...

@Mirror I find it interesting that a best friend like this confides in me so much in person , but if you try to connect via text or phone he disappears. He future fakes so much. He's honest about his mental hangups so I guess it's just a red flag for me to never expect him to commit to anything in our friendship:( I wish I could help him and ease his mind so he would be more comfortable saying "yes" to fun things. Sigh.

pisces girl said...

@ anonymous 2:34/2:41 pm he was gone for almost a month and I was prepared to never speak to him again to be honest... I did not contact him once at all even though it was really hard when you go from getting messages from someone everyday to nothing at all but he said it had nothing to do with me. I too feel like he's a commitment phobe he always tells me freedom is the most important thing to him and that's fine because I really don't see a relationship with him I think we are better off as friends and I told him that yesterday when we were messaging. I cant deal with the stress of a disappearing man because it takes a toll on my physical and emotional well being and no man is worth that. I think taking it to the next level always complicates things -even if there is a strong attraction and chemistry it doesn't always mean that person is right for you long term....(continued)

pisces girl said...

@ Terry -stay strong Pisces girl! men are weird and complicated -im still trying to figure out why they do the things they do..if it wasn't for this site id be soo lost at least now I have an idea as to why and im a little better equipped to handle different situations like the disappearing but of course im still growing and learning and I make mistakes along the way too-I know we all do in our search for whatever it is we are looking for but I think continuously working on ourselves and our own self esteem and not placing our entire sense of self worth in a man is important too. Ive had a lot of self esteem issues growing up I never felt good enough or worthy and it has nothing to do with looks because ive always gotten a lot of attention from men all the time but its something within that I need to continuously work on every day and I wont let any fool come along and ruin all the progress I have made. I think you should continue to give your disappearing man all the space he needs and continue to talk to other people that's what im doing there are so many men out there but I know it is hard to find that same chemistry/attraction with a different person. To start over sharing so much of ourselves with a new man is not easy I don't enjoy that either I think that's why so many of us get stuck on one guy that we know we should of let go of along time ago but to have better you have to step outside your comfort zone.

Terrie said...

Hey Pisces girl! Our stories are so similar, especially when it comes to the self esteem. I think after reading a lot of the posts here I feel more confident in the fact that it's NOT me, it's him! I've always tried to help people and with him, he doesn't like to admit he needs help. He appreciates it, but won't ask unless he's desperate. His disappearing occurs because of some health issues he has. He also has a job that is extremely stressful, and he needs to decompress. I texted him yesterday because he had said he would be willing to help me paint a room. I had all of the supplies and asked if he would be over and what time? I would make dinner. Crickets. Never heard a word. I just painted and fumed, but I kept thinking about how he has been honest about why he disappears and I can't control that. I have to take what I can get and lately it's been nothing. It's not fair that he future fakes and messes with my heart all of the time. So, to save my sanity I push away and I forgive him. I shouldn't but I do. That's on me. I always thought he boosted my self esteem (he's very athletic and has got me into running and working out), but now I think he has done the opposite. I don't want to lose a friend but his issues are causing problems with our friendship. I expect more from him because he used to be 100% healthy and he isn't now. Change sucks but we have to roll with it. You stay strong Pisces ... we are s fragile sign that will go to the ends of the earth for people we care about, not noticing we have hurt ourselves along the way. We need to notice this and be proactive !

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"he has been honest about why he disappears"

How do you know that? How do you know that anything he's been telling you is the truth? How do you know that these aren't just excuses meant to tug on your emotional heart strings so that you'll show sympathy, empathize with him. . .and permit him to string you along?

"I have to take what I can get and lately it's been nothing."

Why do you feel that you need to settle? Why do you feel you need to accept what little he can give? Why do you feel you need to sacrifice your happiness and settle for less than you deserve?

You're not powerless.

You don't have to do any of the above. You are CHOOSING to do that. You are choosing to sell yourself short. You can turn that around by instead choosing to value yourself highly - and walk away from this man that's clearly taken your friendship for granted.

"It's not fair that he future fakes and messes with my heart all of the time."

Then do something about it. Again, you're not powerless. You are choosing to remain in a situation where you know your being emotionally manipulated, and you know you're settling for less than you deserve.

This is happening to you because YOU ARE PERMITTING IT to happen to you.

"I expect more from him because he used to be 100% healthy and he isn't now."

How is that an excuse for flat out ignoring you for as long as he sees fit? My father just spent time in the ICU. Once he was stabilized a day or so later, he MADE TIME to return people's phone calls, check in with others and stay in touch. He could've not returned those calls for weeks. He could've just disappeared for a month.

But he didn't choose to treat others that cared about him that way. He showed them he valued them and their friendship and their family ties and he made it a point to contact them.

We all make choices in life -- and those choices we make become the life we live. We are all responsible for our own happiness. And when we make choices for ourselves that bring grief and sadness and anxiety and worry into our lives. . .then that's the life we've chosen to live.

You are not powerless. You have the gift of free will. You CAN FREELY WILL the life you want to manifest. As humans, we all have to make responsible decisions for ourselves that lead us to the happiness we wish for ;-)

Terrie said...

@Mirror hi thank you for replying! I know he is not making anything up because I have witnessed his medical issues in person. I have seen how his PtSD and his other ailments really cripple him. I have also gone to doctor appointments with him for when he hurt himself and had to be out of work for an extended amount of time. This was not good for him because he lives to work. He puts on a great show for everyone he works with, but his health issues are under a very tattered shell. Inside he is a softy who is hurting and I've always been able to listen and comfort him. He isn't one to make things up to get attention. He actually hates attention of any kind. This is just my 2 cents , maybe I am being ridiculous but for the amount of time I have known him, he has never used me for anything. Never taken advantage of how close we are. He easily could have.
I don't know why I always settle and feel this need to go back to him. It's as if I am drawn to him because he does love me, and shows me that affection. He always tells me how pretty I am, and other comments we ladies love . I don't have many other men knocking down my door telling me this. We also just connect with some other deep seeded issues. I trust him and he trusts me. I wouldn't know how to put myself out there to trust another guy like I do him. I agree with you about how he really sucks at disappearing and how he should be able to at least respond - I have found the only way to confront him and talk is in person because he doesn't want to text as much now. I acknowledge that I need to do better for me, but don't know where to start. It's painful because he has no clue of how this torments me. I do need to make a change though because I've done all I can and I'm at a crossroads ! Thank you mirror.

Archis said...

@Anonymous - nope he wasn't there when I was in the ER. He has no problem telling me when he is sick though. Mind u he doesn't want a chicken noodle soup drop off. After I got sick he gave me a lift to work one day. Feeling rushed because he had to go, I just stared at him pissed off abd he sighed claiming that it "wasn't that he didn't care, he truly does." But.... I never got a clear answer . It's like nailing jello to a wall.

Camilla said...

@piscesgirl I have had this happen before. It drives you mad thinking you have done something to upset them - you haven't . In my case it was him. His issues not mine. He told me this and how he is a cruddy friend sometimes. Yes, yes he is actually . This guy will sweet talk me, tell me he wants to take me out and then when I text him to spend time with him he ghosts me. When I see him in person , he acts like nothing ever happened. Clean slate. Guys like this aren't worth it anymore, especially if they can't communicate with you about simple things.

Heather said...

Just curious - has anyone had men that you were in a relationship with or friends with disappear and use the excuse of anxiety or social issues? I just learned of a disorder that one of my good friends has and I'm really trying to figure out how to be a good friend and support him while he is struggling. Texting or calling to check on him, and random texts go unanswered. When I see him around campus, he acts fine. (Usually other people in close proximity) I don't blame him for not wanting to let on about it, but it's got to be exhausting.

Archis said...

Yeahhh I absolutely understand this. Same exact boat as you. Not contacting them can be tough, and not seeing a text from them hurts but c'est la vie. It's not easy and I'm reading mirrors response to me over and over to help me move forward.

Anonymous said...

If a man is your friend for 5+ years and he flirts constantly, kisses you, talks about having sex with you but doesn't follow through.... that has to say something about him right? I'm in a situation where we have always liked eachother but he now has a girlfriend (for about a year). He still tells me that he loves me and we still hang out once in awhile. (Nothing weird just lunch or something). In my mind if he had just wanted me for sex, I would have been kicked to the curb ages ago, right ? I mean, why keep stringing me along? Don't get me wrong, we have a fun friendship that is unique and carefree. I just don't want to mess it up with feelings. :(

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror, I have been experiencing the aftermath for a while now. I met a guy a couple of years ago on a dating site. Neither of us wanted anything serious, as we were both healing from previous relationships. He pursued me and I was slow to give in, simply because I was busy and I didn't feel any need to rush. Because of this, months went by before I agreed to meet. There was intense chemistry and we clicked easily. The following dates were short and sweet, never turning physical. In between we texted daily, sharing personal stuff and we both started te grow attached. He told me how much he liked me almost every day. I cancelled on him a few times because even though I respected his gentlemanly behavior, his busy schedule and the fact his kids were his priority, it started to bother me that he would not make a move and it would take weeks to plan a date. Was I overreacting here? Then he asked me for a weekend date by the sea, to which I agreed, but because we hadn't even kissed, I was hesitant. My ex reentered the picture in that timeframe, and stupidly I told my date about that. Did I push him away here, by oversharing, as you wrote? He decided for me that I should not date him now and a day later he invited his ex to the weekend instead. I was dumbfounded and felt so disrespected. After the weekend he initiated contact again and told me he had developed feelings for me and didn't know what to think about that, because he was not looking for strong feelings. He said he was deeply hurt when our weekend together didn't happen. Still, he took his ex and undoubtedly slept with her.
I felt so hurt, humiliated and confused. I felt I should not feel that way because I knew he was not over his ex, I was still dealing with mine, plus I liked him. We kept contact but something had changed, the easy connection was lost and he didn't initiate contact as much. A month later I told him I would rather cut contact as he did not make me feel good anymore.

But then... I did what you describe as emotions taking over the wheel. I was in an abyss of confusion and hurt. Three weeks later I texted him again, trying to be cool, but telling him I missed him. Not exactly what you advice women to do... He replied a day later, telling me how he kept thinking about me every day, but that I had told him he could not give me what I wanted and basically telling me to forget him. Again, feeling stupid, I did not reply. I could not believe he had turned the switch that easily. I was still hurting, deeply, and feeling he had been taking me for a ride all this time. Do some men just lie about their feelings? Was it all my fault because I pursued him in the end? Or was he just looking for a fling and when he thought things were getting serious, he backed off? Is there a possibility I really hurt him? Did I read his signs all wrong? What red flags did I miss? I'm still confused about all this and even though I'm dating others, I'm afraid to open up because of this. I still miss him.
You tell ladies to let men prove their worth by allowing them space to return, but in the back of my mind I'm still waiting, hoping he will return. It's been two months. I just hope there was something special between us in the beginning and I can't shake off this feeling that I have been wrong all along. But maybe I can't see clearly because of all these emotions.
I'm usually a strong, smart woman and people ask me for advice but for some strange reason this situation has really affected me. I'd really appreciate your insights, I have been reading your tremendous site for some time now and I just feel stupid now ...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jul 13, 5:15 AM,
"it started to bother me that he would not make a move and it would take weeks to plan a date. Was I overreacting here?"

Well, you have to understand that people you meet on dating sites -- are dating other people as well.

"My ex reentered the picture in that time frame, and stupidly I told my date about that. He decided for me that I should not date him now and a day later he invited his ex to the weekend instead. I was dumbfounded and felt so disrespected. Did I push him away here, by oversharing, as you wrote?"

Possibly. He's not your boyfriend, and you're not in a committed relationship with him. Therefore, your personal life at this point truthfully is none of his business. When you share your personal life like that, you need to understand that if you decide to do so - it will likely affect the other person's decisions moving forward.

At that point, you didn't know what the future would hold for you and your ex. As a result, it probably wasn't wise to bring him up. If you had decided to give it another try with your ex, then THAT is when you inform the man you're casually dating (once a decision to take action has been made).

"Is there a possibility I really hurt him?"

His ego and pride may have been hurt, and he may have felt he could not compete with your ex, and that you too were likely sleeping with him again (much how you assumed he slept with his ex).

"in the back of my mind I'm still waiting, hoping he will return"

Cease doing that dear. When you're living in the past, you cannot walk confidently into the future.

Move forward with your life -- if he wants you, he knows where and how to find you. In the meantime, don't wait around for him. And if/when he does circle back, if you're still available, you can decide if you even still want to date him ;-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this article! All the comments here are interesting to read as well. The thing is, I’m in a bit of a situation and I’m not sure what to do.
I met this guy in my junior year in college, and we hit it off as friends right away. We got along well and had a lot of common interests, likes and dislikes. But I didn’t consider him a potential crush or boyfriend, since I decided not to date while I was still in college. I thought it wouldn’t be fair to the guy since I knew I couldn’t handle a relationship then.
Anyway, fast forward seven months, and he tried to kiss me. I didn’t let him though, since I didn’t return his feelings. He told me he would wait for me and I told him truthfully not to expect anything. We still stayed friends afterwards.
A couple of months later, I started developing feelings for him and well...I freaked out. I didn’t tell him anything, because I wanted to sort my feelings out. It involved him, but it was an emotional issue I needed to solve. I wanted to make sure that yes, I liked him and yes, it was okay to like him. As I came to terms with my feelings, things started changing between us.
He’d always been a sweet guy, complimenting me for everything and being an attentive, open minded friend. Also, he’d always find an excuse to pat me on my shoulder, or pat my head or poke my hand. He also initiated hugging me goodbye a couple of months into our friendship. I didn’t think too much of it, because hey, some people are just touchy, right?
Getting back to the point, while I sorted my feelings out, we started this ritual of weekly movie nights, which turned into a flimsy excuse to cuddle. I tried writing that off as platonic, but it was a half assed attempt. Not to mention all the hand holding and forehead kisses during those cuddling sessions. By that time, I knew for sure that I liked him, otherwise I wouldn’t be letting him do all of this. Then, one day, he finally snapped and kissed me. I told him we had to talk about it, and that I didn’t do FWB. A week later, he asked me to date him, and I said yes, provided he was honest with me at all times. We even had the mutual desire to not jump into sex anytime soon. Then he told me he liked me since he met me and a lot of things fell into place. I was so happy that I managed to find fall for a guy who I could trust, and one who lived up to his words.
A week passed in a haze of flirty texts and overall giddiness. He even came over to my house and spent a few hours. He talked to me about the places he wanted to take me out on dates to, and how he told his parents about me, and everything was normal. Great, actually.
But, the next day, I woke up to a text from him which said “I’m really sorry, but I don’t see this working out”. No explanations, no nothing. I was completely bamboozled. It was so unlike him that at first, I couldn’t believe it. He didn’t reply to my texts asking him what was wrong, or even those asking for an explanation. He didn’t reply all day, so I texted him one last time telling him he owed me an explanation at the very least. Since then, I haven’t contacted him in any way. I went through the entire cycle you wrote about, and two weeks later, I’m still stuck scratching my head. What went wrong? I mean, what even happened? I’m completely lost...I don’t know what to think or do.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 3, 6:35 PM,
"What went wrong? I mean, what even happened? I’m completely lost...I don’t know what to think or do."

Only he knows what went wrong - we'll never know for sure, unless he tells you and explains his behavior.

Explaining his behavior would be the wise and courteous thing to do. But as you can see, many people do not feel obligated to do so, and for all we know - he doesn't even know yet the real reason for his behavior.

What we DO know though -- is that it has absolutely NOTHING to do with YOU.

And nothing you say or do, or don't say or do, would likely change that. In your comment you said, "I didn’t tell him anything, because I wanted to sort my feelings out."

For all we know, that's exactly what he's feeling and doing right now.

And I'd give him plenty of time and space to do that. If he values you and your friendship as much as he claimed to -- he'll return with an explanation of his behavior and an apology. He'll do the right thing by you and his initial communication will include those two things.

If he doesn't value you and your friendship as much as he claimed, he'll resurface without any apology and no explanation of his behavior -- and he'll behave as if nothing has happened. He won't have any consideration for your feelings, and he won't feel a need to apologize to you. Instead, he'll behave as if he owes you none of that.

At that point, you can then make a better informed decision about how to proceed with him. . .and whether or not you even wish to proceed at all.

So the real question is not, "What went wrong, what happened?"

The real question becomes, "Do I even want to invest any more of my time, energy, focus and attention into someone that appears unappreciative of it, takes it/me for granted (that I'll always be there no matter how poorly they treat me), and seems unable to cope with it in a mature manner?"

As Bishop T.D. Jakes says, "When people can walk away from you -- let them walk."

LISTEN TO THIS CLOSELY: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pketb6gxR3w

When people walk away from you, their behavior is telling you that they don't value you or your friendship/relationship, they don't feel obligated to you, and they're not joined to you -- they're not a part of your destiny.

Let them go.

Because it's been my experience that, when someone walks away from you without explanation or apology and somewhat "disposes" of you like trash. . .providing them with a second chance more or less only gives them permission to dispose of you again in the near future -- when whatever caused them to walk away in the first place happens again. Because they're not mature enough to cope with it, so they run instead without explanation or apology.

If he can return with an explanation and apology, upfront and center immediately upon his return, then you know that his behavior and treatment of you has weighed heavily on him and he's feeling remorseful about it. That's the right thing to do. That's the mature way to cope with the situation.

But when that doesn't happen, it's been my experience that it doesn't happen because they're not thinking about how their behavior affected you, they're not mindful of your feelings, they really don't feel obligated to you in any way to explain themselves, and because they don't feel obligated to you -- they don't feel they've done anything wrong, which is why they don't lead into reconnecting with you by offering an apology up front and center.

Anonymous said...

Hi mirror, do you think all this still stands if you feel you didn’t show him you liked him? What if he is disappearing because he thinks he doesn’t have a chance? How will he know if I didn’t show him during the date and then I disappear too? His last words were “keep in touch”...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 3, 8:15 AM,
"do you think all this still stands if you feel you didn’t show him you liked him?"

Sure, I think it's possible to experience these 8 stages in any event where someone disappears.

"What if he is disappearing because he thinks he doesn’t have a chance?"

In that case, maybe it's just not meant to be. Because if it were, neither would leave the date feeling that way (unless there are insecurities at work).

"How will he know if I didn’t show him during the date and then I disappear too?"

If you didn't show him you're interested during the date, then chances are you're truly not interested and it's best to accept that. Because if you were truly interested, you would've shown him in subtle ways.

You would've laughed at his jokes. Smiled at him. Said thank you to him and shown appreciation. You would've been receptive to him via your body language and facial expressions. And you would've accepted any offers from him to meet up again.

That's really all a woman that's interested is required to do on a first date.

You're not required to sleep with a man on the first date to prove you're interested. And you're not required to chase him around after a first date to show him you're interested. If you did all of the above that I had mentioned and he's disappeared anyway, then chances are it's just not meant to be and this man wasn't the right man for you.

"His last words were “keep in touch”.

Sounds to me like this man invited you to chase him down. When, if he were interested, he should've either asked you for another date, or said he'd call you soon.

The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested or not - is to see if HE pursues HER.

If he doesn't not, then you have your answer. If he does, then you have your answer. Either way, doing nothing is doing something (and it will provide your answer).

If YOU were genuinely interested in this man dear, you would've shown him that through your body language, eye contact, etc. If you feel you did not do that, then it's best to accept that the truth is likely that YOU were NOT interested in HIM (and that you're simply feeling a bit insecure right now because he's not pursuing you anyway).

If it's meant to be, it will be. If it's not, then it won't.

Either way, you can't sit around worrying deeply about every single man you meet and attend a date with. If you do that, dating will not be an enjoyable experience for you at all.

When you meet a man that you're genuinely interested in, your body language and facial expressions will give you away (even if your words do not) and he will instinctively KNOW you're interested. Men are highly tuned to pick up on a woman's body language like that. They can gauge when a woman is interested and when she's not without her saying a word.

So if you feel you didn't show him you were interested, maybe that's because you're not genuinely interested in him. . .and you're simply feeling a bit insecure right now is all. Let this feeling pass. After a couple of weeks, you may feel completely different, or you may come to realize that you really weren't all that interested in him, which is why you didn't show it.

Anonymous said...

So, this just happened to me for the 2nd time in my life. I was ghosted by a disappearing man.

The first time was DEVASTATING because when he went silent, I chased like a madwoman. This drove him away further. And I blamed myself for all of it, mostly, which hurt me further. That's when I hit rock bottom, realized I had zero self-esteem and had to do something about it.

Fast forward 2 years (the present). I have worked on myself IMMENSELY and have what I would call pretty good self-esteem, not GREAT but a good foundation and a sense of identity. I no longer feel empty and like I have to rely on men's approval to feel good about myself and know my value.

So here's what happened the second time around: met this guy at work, I knew from the FIRST day I started working there that he was like the 1st guy who ghosted me: emotionally unavailable and closed off (most likely intimacy issues). This one was more of an asshole, though, the other one nicer. I stayed 2 steps ahead of the game because the pattern was so familiar to me and I did not want to be hurt like in the past. He took an interest in me (without even getting to know me) and it began: he tried to go too fast. I rejected it. He tried so many different things, I would get reeled in for like a day but then bounce back because I had a feeling it was a bad idea (it is, we barely know each other and he's already playing games, treating me like an object or trophy rather than a human being he needs to respect and get to know normally).

I literally built an even stronger self esteem doing this. Using his game in order to strengthen myself and rewrite history. I was given a chance to "go back in time" so to speak, relive a similar experience, and do things differently.

After so many of his tactics to "win me" failed, he admitted defeat to himself. He was hurt, and he got pretty angry (these types of men usually express pain through anger). Something had changed in the horizon after that day. Because I had stood my ground, I hadn't given myself to some guy who wanted to do things on HIS terms only, I hadn't given him more than he was giving me, emotionally. And it felt amazing. I had broken the cycle.

He then, seeing how I didn't react to his anger (because it was about him, not ME), started changing his behavior. He became less of an asshole. Then for the first time, I reacted positively to him. I spoke to him nicely while looking at him straight in the eye -- whereas before I was cold and ignoring. He could barely make eye contact and looked obviously flustered.

Then he suddenly 'ghosted' (not sure if this time it can be considered ghosting, as it's not like we were dating or anything, we are mere acquaintances). He stopped coming to work on the days I was scheduled. The difference this time? I got a little sad at first, admittedly, but I rewrote the script. Again, I told myself: "this is about him, not me. I didn't do anything wrong." And I MOVED ON. Just like that. Evidence that I have much better self-esteem.

But then, it gets complicated. He has now reappeared. Came back to work. I remained emotionally non-reactive. I didn't care. I had fun with other coworkers. I acted normally. I still talked to him normally, not as nice as the day before he ghosted where I was "rewarding him for good behavior", but pretty neutrally. He was responsive to that. He kept his cool.

But... wait. What's going on? He still seems to be looking at me when he thinks I'm not looking. He started coming to work looking nicer, more groomed. He still lingers around me as I'm talking to other coworkers, listening to our conversations and what I'm saying specifically. He's keeping up with the non-asshole behavior. He's smiling a lot around me, and he still has trouble maintaining eye contact when I talk to him normally. Hmmm.... could it just be an act? Only time will tell. Tbh, he's still an asshole, but LESS of an asshole. The change is noticeable but not drastic.

Anonymous said...

This is 'anonymous' from before (the one who rewrote history).

To continue my comment:

IDK... maybe I really DID rewrite history, to the point where the guy realized at least some of his wrongdoings. But I'm getting a bit worried for myself because I now find myself attracted to him a little now that he's being more human. I will tread carefully. Keep an eye on his behavior to see if it's just a big act to reel me back in. Only give him as much as I'm receiving, emotionally. Speak to him normally. Get to know him as a person, the true person not this facade and asshole mask he puts on for protection. If he allows it. I will not push. It can only be done if he's ready and wants to. I will just be the same way I am with other coworkers, but more careful because of my own attraction. Until I find a new job, as that is what I'm working towards right now.

No future predictions and fantasies on my part. No idealizing, I have a pretty good idea of his negatives and positives. I don't know what will happen, and more importantly it doesn't matter. All I know is that this time I did things differently and I learned so much from it so I will walk away a changed person with a fresh perspective and ready for the next challenge in my life. Giving myself a lot of credit for not giving in to some asshole just because he's showing so much interest in me. I deserve better.

Finally, I have to say... although he is an asshole, I can see the human being inside of him. And the pain he carries. But it is not up to me to fix any of it. He can only do it himself. This used to be my problem, I would always want to help and fix these kinds of men. Prop them up at the expense of my own needs. But I'm not a therapist and I have a life to live. No matter how hard it is, I have to walk away from people who cannot meet me in the middle. I am not going to wait for them to catch up. I must choose myself.

Anonymous said...

Part 1. Literally one month later (I'm the anonymous from the last comment on September 25, 2018 at 4:00 PM).

Just an update and what I've learned.

The guy in question has been very odd. He has disappeared more times, but always comes back to work. I mean, he has to, can't avoid me for too long. He switches from asshole to non-asshole behavior. He has gotten visibly anxious around me at times, such as when he's not putting on a "bad boy"/jerk act and being more of his real vulnerable self, and especially when he's being nice to me it's really obvious that he fears being rejected. But I respond well during those times, and we have good moments that border on real connection. He gets scared off and runs away specifically during those times. I'm onto him.

Other than that, I figured out that it's both an act AND real, the non-asshole him. I can tell the difference.

I remember one time when the act was really obvious, he was playing the 'good guy' with pretty much everyone in the workplace, and he wished so bad that I would believe it and approach him. But it was too polished/smooth. Too unlike him for me to believe that he really changed that much that quick. He doesn't really care about other people so why so suddenly is he interested in them?

I turned the game around on him: this was my territory. I'm the one who is good at connecting with people, who is socially skilled, who knows how to get along with them. So I amped THAT up to show him "this is how you do it, now sit down and stop pretending". He got visibly disappointed but didn't drop the act for the rest of the day. His ego is huge and he would look stupid if he did, so of course he couldn't show me that he lost. But the next day we worked together, he had considerably dropped the act. Held the door open for me (he never does this for anyone except the managers), talked to me normally without trying to impress me or being a condescending jerkface, etc.

And yet, he is still just a little boy stuck in a man's body. I can tell.

So, conclusion: yes, these men CAN change. But 1) it's exhausting, 2) I haven't TRIED to change him, I just respond well to good behavior and bad to bad behavior, 3) they have to do it on their terms (progress is glacial) and/or have to want you bad enough and/or have to want to accomplish their goal very badly (i.e. to win you over), and 4) the only reason I'm sticking around long enough to witness the change is because I work with the asshole and I have to talk to him... I don't believe for one second we would've gotten this far otherwise.

Really, I'm tired of constantly pushing against his ego when he's an assface. It's like trying to demolish a house with a hammer.

Anonymous said...

Part 2.

Lessons: it doesn't matter that they CAN change, why would you be willing to do the work? They are emotionally unavailable/immature, they have deep issues that we have no business meddling into, stop waiting around for these damn men to turn around and realize how "valuable" we are, value yourself enough to give up and walk away as soon as you can.

I know it's much easier said than done. Sometimes when this douchebag gives me hope, I start to expect that from now on he'll be good. But it's not like that, it's like 1 tiny little step forward (really, it took him 6 DAMN MONTHS TO FINALLY HOLD THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME INSTEAD OF LETTING IT SLAM IN MY FACE... such a small thing that shows basic respect took him THAT LONG, wtf), and 10 steps back. Some days it's like he's back to square one. But I know that he knows I'm onto him. Whatever game he's playing, whether he's a pick up artist, or he reads that red pill bullshit that men are into nowadays, or he's just emotionally unavailable and has dismissive-avoidant attachment style bordering on narcissism, its not going to work.

Essentially, I've trapped him. He has two options: either give up and admit defeat entirely (he cannot win me over), or be good and risk actually having feelings for me. I win either way.

Checkmate, mother fucker.

To all you women out there: you are so much better than these guys. So much better. We need to love ourselves more instead of accepting crumbs of their "love". They're pathetic. They're losers. The most important lesson we can learn from them is to be more selfish. See, their selfishness makes up for our lack of it. The more selfish you get, the less they become, thereby creating a balance. But don't do it for that purpose. Do it for YOU. Plus, in my experience, their change is much slower than my change. They can't keep up.

It's weirdly counter intuitive. Every time i have actually given up on him, that's when he gets genuinely better. But when I tell myself "I shouldn't give up" because I see the progress he's made, that's when he takes me for granted and goes back to being a jerk.

Essentially, he may get better but at what cost? My sanity.

As far as my attraction towards him? Yeah, I still have it. I think it has to do with his inconsistency. It creates a sort of addiction. But I mirror his inconsistency back to him, which is why I think he's still trying. I'm willing to walk away, because the attraction is pretty surface level for the most part, with a tiny degree of 'realness' to it... not enough to call it anything substantial.

I'm quitting this job soon. I never want to see him again. That's the ultimate win. Walking away without a fucking care. And if he has any true feelings for me? It will hurt him more. Maybe that'll fucking teach him the lesson he needed to learn moving forward in his miserable life.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous, Oct 25, 8:36 PM,
"It's weirdly counter intuitive. Every time i have actually given up on him, that's when he gets genuinely better. But when I tell myself "I shouldn't give up" because I see the progress he's made, that's when he takes me for granted and goes back to being a jerk."

That's because when you feign disinterest - he's inclined to somewhat "chase." When you begin to show interest - he's inclined to let YOU "chase."

It's a topic I speak a lot about here. . .the thrill of the chase for men.

Some are chasing because they're genuinely interested. Some are chasing because they're bored, playing mind games, and treating dating like a sport. Some are chasing without even realizing it. Some are chasing in the hopes they'll be chased back and receive a big ego boost in the process.

However, when a man pursues you consistently for an extended period of time w/o disappearing, going silent, disrespecting you, etc. -- chances are he's genuinely into you.

In your case, I think this man's interest is triggered when you feign disinterest because he's insecure, needs approval and validation, and seeks an ego boost. Once he's received that, he's no longer "triggered" to seek it out any further (i.e. becomes disengaged).

Having said all of that, this is an emotionally insecure, emotionally immature man you're dealing with here, as you've already noticed. So you might find this piece insightful as well:


"As far as my attraction towards him? Yeah, I still have it. I think it has to do with his inconsistency. It creates a sort of addiction."

It certainly does - kinda' like gambling in Las Vegas. You'll find this video by Dr. Wendy Walsh on that very topic quite interesting:


As she states, "The guys who use amazing short term strategies" - but clearly aren't in it for the long haul.

He may not be a bad person. Hell, he may not even be a true "bad boy." Regardless, the reality is that he's not the RIGHT MAN for YOU. . .and you're wise enough to know that ;-)

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