"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

What Is A Player: Signs You’re Dating A Player

This one is going to be quick and dirty, ladies. Just the way a player likes it.

What is a player, you ask? Well, he’s a few things. He’s a man cultivating many relationships at once. He’s a man creating options for sex no matter what environment he’s in. He’s a man that plays mind games. He’s a man that is constantly “on” and working it.

He’s a touchy feely man. He’s a man that’s a braggart. He’s a man that’s egotistical. He’s an insecure man, secretly. He’s a man that’s selfish. He’s a man that cheats. He’s a man that manipulates women via their emotions. He’s a man who objectifies women (they’re sexual play toys, not human beings). Often times, he’s a misogynist (he secretly loathes women). But mostly, he’s a man that’s full of sh*t.

My apologies for being blunt, but it is what it is. And once you learn how to spot one, you’ll see this sideshow act coming from a mile away. There are a lot of them out there and they’re not just young guys. The player runs rampant amongst men in their 30’s, 40’s 50’s – across the board.

Below I’ve listed some quick tell tale signs that you’re dating a player. And if you’ve ever questioned yourself, “What is a player?” He’s the guy I’ve listed below.

Are you dating a player? Let’s find out.

So, what is a player? Below are the signs that signify you may be dating a player:

He Asks If You’re Bathroom Is Clean Before He Can Use It


If you bring him to your place for the first time and he says, “Can I use your bathroom?” And then follows it up with, “I know how you women are about leaving out underwear, bras, etc.” He has , to his delight, unexpectedly landed in a woman’s apartment many times before. A player knows that you give a woman the opportunity to hide her private stuff before you say hello to the Tidy Bowl Man.

When You’re On a Date With Him, He’s Disappears Often


If he’s constantly disappearing for the bathroom or conveniently forgetting something that he’s left in his vehicle on a regular basis, he either has severe bladder problems, is using drugs and “fixing” in those absences or is suffering from Alzheimer’s. But more realistically, you’re dating a player that’s communicating via text with another woman. If it was his buddy, he’d have no reason to leave.

If You Confront Him With A Question, He Repeats Your Question Before Answering


If you say, “Where were you last night?” and he answers by saying, “Where was I last night?” he’s buying himself an extra two or three seconds to think of a good excuse. And he only needs those few seconds to do so. A player is quick on his feet.

His Buddies Whisper To Him In Your Presence


Men generally don’t gossip. If his buddies are whispering in his ear, 9 times out of 10, they’re providing him with an update on one of his other “friends.” “Hey, I just saw Jewels over at Club X and she was with some guy.” If he suddenly splits to use the bathroom – he’s ringing Jewels.

He Often Uses Numbers When Referring To Women


If he refers to the bartender as a 5 and you as a 9, he’s objectifying women. To a player, you’re not a living creature with feelings; you’re a sexual play toy that he’s rating according to looks. Congratulations, you win – the boobie prize.

He Acts Like A Matchmaker For His Buddies



If he says ridiculous things to you like, “I help my buddies get women” then you should run. The reality is that a player screens women for his buds, test driving them first, and then helping his buddies get down their pants too by manipulating them, via what he’s already learned about them.

A player doesn’t want to help his buddy get laid without helping himself get laid first. And if his buddy wants it bad, the player, being quite competitive himself, will be sure to sleep with her first, rub it in his buddy’s face and then hand off his “seconds.”

This may sound unbelievable, but trust me, I have many male friends and I’ve witnessed this first hand on more than one occasion - the ole’ “buddy system.”

Ladies, if you’ve slept with a guy who then suggests meeting a friend that may be more suited for you, then you’re the baton about to be handed off.

He Often Loses His Cell Phone


This sounds ridiculous, I know. I mean, in this day and age, aren’t these things attached to your hip? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this lame one. “Sorry I didn’t call. I lost my phone.” Uh huh. Sorry I don’t buy it - because I haven’t lost my mind.

He Tries To Make You Feel Guilty For His Mistakes


If he’s late and you’re upset, the player will blame it on you. “You kept me on the phone too long.” Or, “You wanted me to dress up, so I dressed up” while he’s standing there in a t-shirt and jeans. No matter what, he spins it back on you. This is a true player – a master manipulator. He takes responsibility for none of his own actions and he’s not accountable for anything. He’s covered in grease and everything is always sliding off of him – and onto you.

His Cell Is On Vibrate and Hidden From View


If you’re laying on the sofa and you feel a rumble coming from his pants, chances are it’s not that he’s happy to see you – chances are, he’s hiding people from you that are trying to reach him. A player usually ignores that obvious rumble. And if it rumbles again, and again, and again – you can be sure that’s a woman trying to reach him and not Bob, down at the bar.

He Can’t Remember His Lies


If he tells you he can’t see you on Saturday because he works and then texts you on Monday and tells you he had a great time Saturday night with his buds, he’s telling so many lies and talking to so many women, he doesn’t remember who he’s told what to. A player can’t keep it straight because he’s juggling.

He Has A Cellphone Plan With All The Bells And Whistles


If he has the maximum minutes airtime plan and maximum minutes text plan, he’s probably a player. That’s an awful lot of communication capability. As a rule, many men don’t sit and chit-chat with their buddies for endless hours on the telephone. If he’s maxing out his plans, he’s definitely talking to someone, ladies. The only time this wouldn't apply is if he's a businessman, using the same phone for work and play. But the average Joe - he's not talking and texting another Joe for hours on end.

He Doesn’t Stay For Breakfast


If you’ve invited him into your humble abode and you wake the next morning only to find him dressing and about to run out the door, blabbering about his busy day ahead of him (a video game session with his buds and some Cheetos calling his name), he’s comfortable with the “hit and run” because he’s done it many times before. A player does the dirty deed and then bolts.

He Has Brand New Toothbrushes On Hand


The player is prepared for the one night stand. After many experiences with them, he knows that if you can get up and brush your teeth, he might get morning sex from you, too.

He Cancels Plans At The Last Minute


A player always has something better coming along, and most times, it’s the “easy girl” offering herself up for the evening.

He Tries To Make Plans At The Last Minute


That’s because he said or did something ignorant that upset the “easy girl” and he blew that opportunity for the evening – so now it’s your turn in the rotation. A player can’t make plans in advance because another “easy girl” may offer herself up in the interim.

He Only Texts Or Calls Late At Night Or In The Wee Hours Of The Morning


We all know this one. It has booty call or friends with benefits written all over it.

This is a true players favorite move. He's compelled to act this way, he can't help it. His desires must be met and to him, there's no shame in that. If you accuse him of this, he'll toss out an "I love you baby" just to get in the damn door. Ahh, the true player.

Here's how you handle this one. Tell him to come right over – and be quick about it because you can’t wait to see him – and then go to bed and don’t answer the door.

When he calls you to get you to come to the door - text him that you lost your phone.

He Doesn’t Answer His Phone In Your Presence


That’s because he can’t. It’s another woman ringing that phone and he can’t have that conversation in front of you. If it was really his buddy, a player would be sure to answer that call because he’d be afraid he might be missing something. A player always wants to be where the action is.

He’s Quick On His Feet


The player has an answer for everything and he’s quick with the comeback. Remember ladies, while you were out there cultivating social skills and grace – he was slumming it and cultivating skills of deceit, trickery and manipulation – and he’s damn good at it. Practice makes perfect.

He’s Non-Apologetic


A player doesn’t apologize, he shifts blame. And no matter how bad he’s hurt you or how awful he was to you the night before, he’ll never apologize for his behavior. He’s worked hard at developing swagger and he isn’t about to let that all go down the drain. He’s got a rep to protect and breaking hearts only adds to it.

He Looks Like The Cat That Ate The Canary And Wears A Cheshire Grin



The player has swagger and swagger is usually accompanied by a constant grin – a smirk. The smirk has an inkling of guilt to it, too. A player just looks guilty and many times, has a nervous laugh. Much like the cat that ate the canary, a slight smile that indicates he’s content with himself, accompanied by upturned lips that signify he’s earned his rewards via nefarious deeds. Think of the “Cheshire Cat” in Alice in Wonderland. It’s akin to the “I know something you don’t know” look.

Now, some of these are instant red flags. Others are more subtle and require a combination of a few. However, if your gut started tingling while reading this and you could relate to 4 or more of the above attributes being used in conjunction with one another - then there's a good chance you're being played. But don't go around playing your cards (appearing insecure) by lashing out with accusations - simply sit back in silence and observe.

If you really want to know if you're dating a player, listen to your gut. Women's intuition is very rarely incorrect, ladies.

So now I ask you. . .are you dating a player?

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253 Comments:

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The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 4, 9:45 AM,
"What do I say to that??"

If it's a relationship you seek, I wouldn't reply to this - and I'd leave him in my past.

He's telling you that:

1) He's not capable of commitment and being faithful
2) He does not desire a relationship

He's telling you that he doesn't want anything serious, and that it's possible he could hurt you. If I were you, I'd listen to him.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad I stumbled on this site. I'm just coming out of a relationship with a "Player". He fit most of the descriptions above including the one about being unapologetic and not owning up to his behavior. In fact, he tried to put the blame for his behavior or me. The relationship started out promising, but then he started showing his true colors. Would answer some texts and not others. would not call me (unless he wanted/needed something). I have to admit, there were lots of red flags that I chose to ignore. Then I finally woke up and said, "girl, you know what he's doing is not right". So I finally stopped contacting him-- No texts, no phone calls, NOTHING. I put the "no contact" rule in effect and slowly got back my self respect, dignity and POWER.

vicki parker said...

I met a man who was everything u described as well as the other kind of player anonymous decribed. By the time i walked away 7 months later i barely knew what day of the week it was he had me that confused! its the first time ive ever encountered a player and i never want to again because the lies and deceit hurt more than anything else. i even ignored all my frinds who kept telling me he was playing me and was a player because my gut feeling said he cared about me. thats the first time my gut feeling was wrong too so he really managed to do a number on me! I was more angry at myself for allowing him to treat me the way he did as i had always been the one in control whenever i got with a guy but by the end he was totally in control to the point i was doing all the initiating contact only to be ignored! in the end he carried on ignoring me and at the time i was devastated but it turns out he did me a huge favour because if he hadnt i would still have been there hangin on putting up with his rubbish and wouldnt have met the amazing guy im now with. i actually owe him a thanku because ive met my best friend and soul mate an someone i want to spend the rest of my life with, who most importantly feels the same way and shows me all the time. i have been tempted to contact the player to thank him but havent as i feel that if he sees im happy he may decide to try and play me again just to see if he could get me to go back and hen drop me the same way he did the first time. my advice to anyone who is dating a player is get out fast as u will end up hurt far more than if u walk away and give yourself the chance to meet someone decent who willl actually love and care about u.

Anonymous said...

@Vicki. I'm Anonymous (September 28). I'd never dealt with a player either and it took me a while to realize he was one. He's almost 60 years old and he's a minister. So part of me refused to believe he could be a player. But he is. They say Hindsight is 20/20 vision and when I look back on his behavior, I see that all the signs were there. Like you, when I think about all that I let him get away with, I get so angry at myself. He forgot my b'day one year. He gave me some lame apology and what do I do? I reward his bad behavior with a Christmas gift. I got him a Valentine's day gift (and sent it early so he'd get the hint). didn't help, because I got absolutely Nothing for Valentine's day except another lame excuse. so what do I do? I reward him with a Father's day gift and then a b'day gift. I was also doing the initiating of contact only to have him ignore me. and then it got to the point where it felt like he was trying to avoid me altogether. That really hurt me (more than I'd like to admit) because all I ever did was be nice to him and supportive of him and his family. I've implemented no contact with him (to help me get over him and to get my dignity and self respect back). It's been two months and every day it gets easier and easier (all I have to do is think about how he treated me and I get so mad at him). the other day he sent me a text which said "just wanted to say Hello". I laughed because, he hasn't seen or heard from me in two months and all he could come up with was Hello. How about "I haven't heard from you. Are you Ok?" I refuse to respond to this text. I said the only text or phone call I MIGHT respond to is one where he asks me how I'm doing . Vicki, I'm glad you found someone special. remember, though, don't lose yourself in him. Make him work for you.

Anonymous said...

Hi, Mirror!
One quick question...
The guy I was texting to suddenly told me he wanted us to stop communicating. Ok, fine...but what surprised me is that he added `you can remove me from FB if you want, block me bla bla`...you know, drama queen kind of guy.
As far as I see this, there are only 2 possible explanations: he either wanted to get read of me and wanted me to get read of him instead, or he`s used to women reacting emotionally and removing him etc.
What do you think? Thank you!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 11, 3:38 AM,
"he either wanted to get read of me and wanted me to get read of him instead, or he`s used to women reacting emotionally and removing him etc."

I don't think he wanted to get rid of you. Most times, when people genuinely DO want to get rid of someone, they don't suggest ways to make it easier for themselves LOL. Instead, they don't say ANYTHING at all. . .they just disappear and leave, sometimes without a word.

I think he's experienced women blocking him, unfriending him, etc. and chances are he likely thinks he's got women "pegged" now on this, and he's able to predict how they'll respond.

Be the "different" girl - be unpredictable - and leave things in place ;-)

Michelle said...

So I have been dating for almost three years now. I have been through it all, and am feeling quite pessimistic about most men these days. I always seem to fall for the bad ones, and the ones that I know are good and who are into me I never feel a spark for them. Most of them are boring, and or not attractive to me.

Now I am currently questioning if one guy that I like and am dating might be a player. My gut is telling me maybe, but at this point I feel pessimism for any guys I feel any remote interest in based on the past few years of being left in the dust, and liking the wrong men.

At the same time I know that two other men I are genuinely interested in me, and are not players and I just somehow know that. (Nonetheless I am not interested in them).

There is the saying that men look for sex and find love, and women look for love and find sex.

My current guy is certainly looking for sex, so that is why I question his prerogatives. Yes he tried to sleep with me on the first date, and every date after, and he is quite persistent about it. This is certainly a huge red flag that has caused me to question his motives, but is every guy who tries to get in your pants necessarily a dud?

I have not slept with him, and I know actions speak louder than words.

I don’t know what to do with this one. He does communicate fairly frequently throughout the day most days, and we have full conversations. We have fun together and do a lot of things and spend long amounts of time together. He suggests things I would want to do. He talks a lot, remembers things I said, and tells me a lot about himself and has revealed some of his insecurities. He seems to want to stick around. For instance he left his bag at my building with the doorman, came back to get it the next day, and instead of leaving right after getting it he invited himself to my coffee break and then left.

These things describe to me a man that might be interested in me. I know us ladies only have actions to go on.

On the other hand, I know this guy is charming, he really likes to hold hands ad is touchy, and while he doesn’t over compliment the ones that he does throw out are quite smooth. He does not hide the fact that he wants to sleep with me, and he is quite charming about it, but persistent.

I did confront him on this once via text message. At the time I thought I would cut him loose after he tried to sleep with me on the first date, and there was a lot of pressure. I told him that I didn’t think we were on the same page, and that I was not looking for casual sex. I thanked him for the nice night. He instantly got offended, told me I was accusatory, and that was not what he was looking for. I thought we would stop talking there, so I said I apologize if I misread the situation and thanked him again. Instead he took my apology, and just kept the conversation going. I did have fun with this one so I decided to feel him out to see.

I know we can not take words over actions.

We have only been out a handful of times, and our dates are very long (I know I shouldn’t do this) but we have fun. Our last one was 8 hours. Nonetheless, I know that if they last into the night I am going to be pressured to sleep with him again.

I am really torn here. I don’t know if I am being paranoid, or if pressure for sex is just always a sign to run?

Is there ever a situation in which a guy puts a lot of pressure to sleep with him, but isn’t a player and is actually interested?

Anonymous said...

Mirror. Been with a guy LD for 2 years and have always suspected he may be either a player or just insecure and immature.

Found out he has been chatting online with other women. When I confronted him about knowing this, he shut down with the silent treatment. He has also recently been using graphic sexual language, like pussy, cunt, ass, clit. I feel this is disrespectful language to me and just ignore those text messages. When a man uses this type of language, does he not respect women at all or is it just a "guy" thing. Maybe I am too prudish.

Other indicators of player behavior include disappearing. When I ask him about important issues like this he denies it and says he is not "pulling away", when he actually is. Why can't guys be real with you? Does it mean they don't respect a woman?

Searched his phone number on Google and see that there is a complaint from someone that he has been calling an office several times a day with silences at the other end of the line. Do you think maybe he is harassing someone? He has never harassed me at all. This gives me some real cause for concern. I asked him about this and again got no where. He said - what are you talking about?

Should I dump this guy?




The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Feb 24, 3:32 PM,
"Should I dump this guy?"

Well, you should not still be in contact with him at all -- PERIOD.

He's cheated, he's uses derogatory, disrespectful and hateful language (that's not a guy thing, that's an ignorance thing and he's probably watching WAY too much porn), he's disappeared, he's emotionally unavailable and closed off, he's stalking someone and harassing them at their office. . .this guy's nothing but trouble.

He does NOT DESERVE a good woman. He'd just mistreat her and handle her heart recklessly and damage her permanently anyway. And he certainly does not deserve to be REWARDED with more of your time and attention for treating you poorly.

The minute a man disrespects you or mistreats you - you need to walk away from that immediately. If you do not, and you permit that type of treatment and overlook or dismiss it, you'll only get WAY more of it.

Always remember. . .people can only treat you as poorly as YOU LET THEM.

"Why can't guys be real with you? Does it mean they don't respect a woman?"

Well, what's the opposite of "real?" The opposite is fake.

And when something is fake, it's a lie - a fabrication (an invention). And if you're not being real, you're being fake. And if you're being fake, nine times out of ten it's because you're lying and the perception you're trying to create is a completely false fabrication.

It speaks to the character of the individual involved. In this case, you're dealing with a character that's not above lying, not above fabricating falsehoods, not above cheating on others, not above speaking to them disrespectfully or disappearing on them at will. . .a character that simply lacks integrity.

"Do you think maybe he is harassing someone?"

Sure sounds like it.

"Should I dump this guy?"

RUN - don't walk. RUN FROM THIS MAN, and don't ever look back. This guy is trouble.

Anonymous said...

Mirror,
Sadly I was conned by a player for close to 2 months. Did not realize it until the last month, after which I dumped him. All the red flags, inconsistencies, lies were confusing me, and then I came upon your site. It is a godsend! This guy sweet talked me until the cows came home, saying I love you (but wouldn’t call to talk on the phone), we are going to have a future together, bla, bla, bla. I am now the wiser.

We met on a dating site, messaged and then starting texting. Two weeks into the conversations, he started sexting extensively. Regrettably, I went along with this for a while as it was stimulating. After several more weeks went by, I suspected he was talking to other women again on the dating site. I would look online and see his profile there or over an hour sometimes.

Obviously, at this point he was keeping his options open. I feel utterly humiliated. He played me like a fiddle. And he doesn’t even care that I brought up some of these issues! Shouldn’t guys like this be taught a lesson, given a taste of his own medicine? Do you think “playing” them back will cause them to change? Or will it just amuse them that your so upset?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 21, 12:12 AM,
"Do you think “playing” them back will cause them to change?"

It would have to be something monumental to have any affect. And in order for it to be something monumental, you'd have to invest an enormous amount of energy and thought into it. And I really don't think that men like this are worth that type of investment dear.

And truth be told, many of these men would just find the entire situation humorous. They're not taking dating seriously to begin with. So there's a high likelihood that they wouldn't take anything that happened surrounding it all that seriously either.

Men like this are treating dating like a game - a sport.

And what's the worst thing that can happen in a game? Losing would be the worst thing. And if this man no longer has access to you, and no longer receives a response from you - he's lost (you) and he now has one less option for himself.

So that's what I'd do - no contact, no response - ever again. Treat him as if he doesn't exist and wipe him from your mind.

Because he doesn't deserve any of the valuable space there ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

Recently broke up with a guy who was giving all the signs of either being a player or commitment phobic. Nothing ever moved forward and I felt he was more interested in sexting than getting to know me. Consequently, I dumped him.

I dumped him a month ago but found out recently from a mutual friend that he has another GF and they are exclusive. My friend has been in touch with my ex a few times and apparently told him he has found the woman of his dreams.

Do players or commitment phobics ever settle down if they have found the "one"? Are men just playing around with some of us as placeholders until they find the woman they feel is a perfect match for them?

I feel somewhat inadequate that he suddenly has committed himself to someone else rather quickly. When we were dating, he was hot and cold, chatted with other women online and disappeared frequently.

Want it to be clear that I don't want him back but do want to let him go 100% completely from my mind. I am having a hard time doing so.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 20, 3:38 PM,
"I feel somewhat inadequate that he suddenly has committed himself to someone else rather quickly."

Don't beat yourself up over situations like this, or men like this. Just because someone SAID they're exclusive doesn't mean he's changed. He's the only one that truly knows what he's up to, ya' know?

For all you know, he's still talking to other women. For all you know, he's just as vague with this woman he's with now as he was when he was with you. For all you know, he was stringing both of you along at the same time, and the only reason he's with her is because she won by default (and got the booby prize when you released him, because she was the one left standing there so he defaulted to her). For all you know, he cheats on her regularly.

And for all you know -- this was an "illusion" that was deliberately passed onto your friend, with the knowledge that she'd surely run back to you with this information. We have no way of knowing if any of this, or what portions of it, are actually true, ya' know? For all we know, he's playing a big game here creating false impressions so that he doesn't feel bad about being dumped (because his ego took a blow), so now he wants to give the impression that he's oh so happy.

Don't be so quick to buy what he's selling ;-)

"told him he has found the woman of his dreams"

We'll see -- because if that's true, he'll be popping the question soon, right? Because he wouldn't want any other man to come steal her away, right?

We'll see -- if these two are together 6 months from now, and engaged a year from now. But if I were you, I wouldn't hold my breath for that LOL ;-)

"Do players or commitment phobics ever settle down if they have found the "one"?"

If they're emotionally mature and ready to do the work a real commitment requires, sure it happens. But just because they SAY it's happening doesn't mean it really is. Because again, we have no idea what he's doing in his spare alone time. Only he knows that.

The only time you know a true change has actually occurred is when you see it in their ACTIONS (i.e. he asks her to marry him). I have seen 3 men pop the question within a year of meeting "the one."

BUT -- one of them was on his 3rd marriage in 15 years (relationship jumper, afraid to be alone), another was on his 2nd marriage and he cheated all through his 1st marriage (insecure player). . .and another was on his 2nd marriage as well, and during his 1st marriage. . .he had a 20-something year old mistress for TWO YEARS (and maybe he still does, who knows).

Do these guys LOOK happy? Sure. Are they truly committed to their marriages? Only they know that for sure.

You can't judge a book by it's cover dear, so don't be so quick to beat yourself up over this. Sometimes, men who are players or commitment-phobes actually chose a woman weaker than them to settle down with -- a woman that they know they can get away with murder with behind her back (because she'll overlook it an/or is naive and simply won't catch it).

The benefit in doing that is:

1) You get to have your cake (a wife) and eat it too (cheat).
2) Your wife provides care, nurturing, meals and clean laundry (while your mistresses provide you with hot single sex).
3) You give the impression to the world that you're a good, stable man with a clean reputation (while only you and your close friends know the real dirty truth).

A lot of that can be for "appearances" sake, and also so that someone is at home picking up after them. I'm not saying that's what this man is up to. I'm simply trying to drive home the fact that you can't just believe everything you hear at the drop of a hat and then beat yourself up for it.

Because you have no way of knowing the actual truth that takes place in the shadows - and appearances are just that -- appearances and nothing more ;-)

Anonymous said...

MOA,

How can we prevent ourselves from getting sucked in to the sweet talk players feed us? Sweet talk really plays on a woman’s emotions. When the player says it often enough, we believe it! They must know this and pick women who are gullible.

I found out only after getting in deep that this guy was a player. I was totally attached to him and couldn’t break loose. The damage had already been done.

Should we just ignore a guy who starts using “sweetie, honey, baby, beautiful” very quickly after meeting? This happened in my case. In fact, he used those nicknames more than he actually used my real name. On occasion he called me by name.
I found out he was a player only after I was upset with something and voiced my concerns. He apologized right and left. Afterward, he sent me a cute electronic love quote that said our hearts are meant to be together, expecting that would resolve things. Well it did for a short time.

The next day I saw him back on the dating site where we met, talking to other women!! I had not been on there for 6 weeks since we started dating, so I don’t know how long he has been deceiving me.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jun 24, 9:32 PM,
"How can we prevent ourselves from getting sucked in to the sweet talk players feed us?"

You observe their ACTIONS, and ignore their WORDS.

And if their actions do not align with their words - then their words are not true.

"When the player says it often enough, we believe it!"

Words are just words. You cannot buy into them without the appropriate accompanying action taking place that backs them up, and proves that the words are true.

"Should we just ignore a guy who starts using “sweetie, honey, baby, beautiful” very quickly after meeting?"

You can't take that seriously. Because you cannot be a total strangers "baby" when the man doesn't even know you well enough to decide that yet or not.

WORDS: "he sent me a cute electronic love quote that said our hearts are meant to be together, expecting that would resolve things"

ACTION: "The next day I saw him back on the dating site where we met, talking to other women!!"

The words are NOT aligning with the actions. . .which signals that the words cannot be true :-(

Players give themselves away easily all the time by showing that their actions do not align with their words ;-)

Unknown said...

Brilliant advice!
I wanted to run a few things by you and see what you think.
sometimes when im dating men from online, i dont know if i am being too strict in the courtship phase. Some men want to text for a few days without calling, and when they do call, dont leave a VM. Should i just not respond, or call back anyway.
it seems abit rude not to leave a message (and i work until 7pm). They will even text
"I called you, please get back to me." Its just lazy. I also cut guys loose if they dont plan a date within the following week or so. I realized with one guy, he was busy with work, genuinely (hes a lawyer with a jury trial) but if doesnt make a date quickly, i dont respond to his texts or calls. Some men will use your time, get to know you from
texting and talking on the phone so they can speed up the courtship phase. They just
do this to sleep with you sooner (because after all of this sharing, you feel like you know each other pretty well)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Unknown,
"i don't know if i am being too strict in the courtship phase"

It pays to be strict. It might not seem that way, because women who aren't strict are going out on dates right and left while maybe you're not. . .but they're dating the men that aren't really worth dating at all in the first place.

As you said, many things take place online that are meant to speed up the courtship process so these men can get to the "get laid" phase quicker. Those men aren't worth dating. They're not taking dating seriously. And they're certainly not taking the women they're dating seriously. Once they've gotten their selfish needs fulfilled in a rather childish way (pressuring, manipulation, etc.) they bolt. They're not looking for a committed relationship, which is why they never took you or dating seriously in the first place.

The online world is chock full of serial daters looking to use women for sex.

Which is why it pays to be strict and to put these men through the test. Test their level of interest, test their character as a man, test their desire for a relationship, and see what the man is made of. . .prior to wasting any of your precious time on them.

Many won't pass the tests -- but when they do, you KNOW they're worth getting to know. And in the meantime until that happens, you're protecting yourself - you're not being used, abused and emotionally damaged by man-children acting like kids in a candy store that don't know any better.

Anonymous said...

Hey may I know his name? I hope I am not dating the same jerk .

Anonymous said...

Mirror. Want your advice about whether my EX BF is playing a bunch of mind games on me. We had broken up 3 months earlier. I dumped him because he had too much baggage and poor communication skills. He recently got in contact and went on and on about how much he loves me, wants me and always will love me. All my feelings came back so I responded to him and asking how things were. He has been going through a lot of things so I felt sorry for him.

Anyway, he was telling me on the phone and texting that he loves me so much. I wrote back saying I really didn't want to lose him and feel the same. Well he just cuts off the conversation and it has been 2 days with no reply at all! I pour out my heart and it does not seem normal to ignore someone when they share these types of feelings. Out of curiosity I visit the dating site where we met (I had deleted my profile from that site a long time ago and am on another site now). I see him logged in there!! I am tired of being treated like this. Maybe I should just toughen up and play him back? As it all feels like he may be playing around. Help!

Anonymous said...

Hello,I would also like your perspective. I have been married for 15 years, the last 4 have been terrible. This year I met with a high school colleague at my school reunion, the first one in 25 years. We had feelings for each other when we were 17 but didn't act on them, I took myself out. Nevertheless when he rang me in March re the reunion, everything came out, he remembered what poems I liked, why he liked me, conversations etc. I was hooked and we had a very intense 3 months until June which culminated in a super hot sex. He is also married.
After that a few days later (we live in different countries now) he sent me an email spelling out he wanted, live the moment everytime we meet. Have total sex. I was dumbfolded as in my mind thought we could have something quite profound emotionally as I fell for him big time and he loved it.
But as the months progressed, I was travelling to see him in October, he chilled, all of a sudden he was not that inspired to text and told me to go easy on my text messages to him as he was leaving his phone at home and his wife could have read them. From ringing me every day, even twice a day prior to June, from August it was infrequent, blaming being too busy at work. In October he rang me 3 times, the day before I was travelling we spoke for nearly 1h. The plan was to meet for coffee on Monday, and will see afterwards. Then Saturday he rang saying, I have emailed you. When I opened, I was so shocked as he sent me a link to book a room for Monday as he could not do it and he was telling me I was too nosey by asking why.
I declined then he sent a nasty email a few days later accusing me of being stubborn, putting up barriers, not understanding that he could show me life in different colours etc. to make me feel guilty. I did feel guilty but did not regret not booking the room, I would have felt so cheap.
The whole experience left me in tatters, heartbroken, humiliated and used. Why didn't he book the room for instance? I am glad he didn't because I would have gone along but maybe not with the same immersion as in June. But the whole thing was just hard to comprehend. Also his email was written in present tense and reading from comments he could resurface. If it were written in past tense, it would have been definite. It was an illusion, we could not have had an affair, would not have solved my state of affairs at home but it took such a turn. I felt he was very controlling and I am feeling like a battered wife, still rooting for him when I remember how he chuckled on the phone or the way he said how are you?
How to move on? How to build up my confidence from here please?
I look forward to your opinion. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Beware of the married man who cries on your shoulder, says his wife left, lives in another state or country and started a new life, and then, she comes back and sleeps in his house during the year, and he told you that he is in the process of a divorce and that she is sleeping in another bedroom. Very shady and the wife has no self esteem.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your wise comments, beware of the married man for no matter what reasons, that's a half-lived relationship, I agree. Oh, my heart is still in pain.

Anonymous said...

Me too! I almost went I to his house. I am thankful for all the times that he got mad at me for not "giving", threatening to no longer speak to me if I wouldn't meets his "needs". It is a blessing in disguise that he was mad because I would regret it now. That damn idiot ass! Lol!

Anonymous said...

Uncertain if this guy I am dating is a player or not. We are LD and he prefers text over talking on the phone. He has visited quite a few times and we spend a lot of time getting to know each other and, yes, of course there was sex. I have met his family.

I started to feel really attached to him after 3 months and felt I was in love. He always said he loves me, I am perfect for him and non-stop compliments. But recently at times he just stops texting when we are having a conversation. He may or may not return the same day to answer a question I have, or pick up the conversation. I understand he has a life, a job, friends, etc so am not making a big deal of it to him.

Recently, he went days without corresponding. I kept wondering why, what he was up to. He came back and started conversing like nothing happened, nor did he say anything about what he had been doing. I asked and he was quite vague and said things like relaxing and sleeping. For several days??

We talked on the phone last week, which he usually doesn't suggest doing much, and had a long conversation and then he kept saying he loves me and always will.

Since then he has POOFED, doesn't answer calls or texts. If he loves me so much, why would he just vanish with no explanation. I am pretty hurt. I called his sister and she said she doesn't know why he would stop chatting to me all of a sudden. Do you think he was a player?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 24, 11:19 PM,
"Do you think he was a player?"

Sounds like it's possible that he is. When a mans WORDS do NOT align with his ACTIONS. . .it's a BIG RED WARNING FLAG.

This man says one thing, and then turns around and does the complete opposite. His actions do NOT support his words.

That's the sign of someone not being honest in what they say :-(

Unknown said...

My wife thinks im a player since i use a new toothbrush every 4 months and i buy bulk to save money. :/

Gem50 said...

@ Unknown 1/26 1:25pm
I don't think so. There's more to this story.

Anonymous said...

Mirror,
I am absolutely horrified with my situation.

I was dating a man LD for 2 years. He came often, we met families, friends talked about the future. I did notice less contact from him 4 months prior but he always talked in a loving manner and didn't mention any problems in his life.

He was diagnosed with cancer 2 months ago and went through surgery and treatments. Doctors were hopeful for a recovery. He said after the recovery he would move here to my state.

Well I got the shock of my life. I was sent a link to a "condolences" page and he had apparently passed away from cancer last week. There were numerous family and friends photos and condolence wishes on that web page.

I was totally devastated to read that the obituary said "J was survived with his wife Lisa" ......I saw a photo of their wedding ceremony which looked to be held in the hospital chapel. Date stamp on the photo was 2 weeks ago!!! Who was this woman? I could not believe it!!! I want to crawl in a hole and cry forever. I could ask family members what that was all about, but don't want to make their grief any worse.

Was I played Mirror? Why would he suddenly marry a woman so close to his death? I just don't get it!! There has to be some sort of explanation.

Amanda



The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Amanda,
"Was I played Mirror?"

Unfortunately, there's really no other conclusion to reach :-(

"Why would he suddenly marry a woman so close to his death?"

There could be a multitude of reasons, but only they know the truth. Many times generally speaking, it has to do with (and I hate to say this) death benefits, health benefits, pensions, social security benefits, etc.

Sit tight - I have a feeling in time the answers you seek will come to you. In the meantime, be good to yourself, don't beat yourself up and try to think of the silver lining. (There always is one, even though we don't see it right away.)

Everything happens for a reason dear - have faith that this happened for a reason (one that benefits YOU somehow).

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror

First I want to thank you for being so helpful on this site. I've used your advice numerous times over already.

I was hanging out with a guy that I met on match for about two months. We were both in the same profession and he messaged me first. Our careers were both intense (we were both physicians, but he was five years older). I'll admit, after the first meet up I did a lot of the chasing. He was also the type who did things last minute...on the day we were suppose to meetup I wouldn't hear from him until late and then I got anxious and ended texting him first.

We were in the exact same specialty, I am in my late 20s him in his early thirties and yet I always felt we met up only according to his schedule..as if my time wasn't important.

Two months in of getting only once a day texts from him, trying to hook up with me on the third and fourth date, never wanting to meet up with me (literally met up with me only twice in the last month) and him always on match (literally the light was green the entire time signifying he was active), and him evading the question when I asked him if we were exclusive (instead saying we should continue "hanging out"), I was so sick of chasing and him not giving a shit that I texted "Hey, this isn't working, we're looking for different things. I don't want to do this anymore and I don't think you do either. No hard feelings! Best of luck." He replied with "Ok. Wish you the best. Good luck on boards" which I completely ignored. My only consolation was that I never slept with this guy even after two months.

I went back on match two months after I ended it with him. He checked my completely brand new profile a few days after I joined. I was wearing the same outfit that I once wore to a date with him. Two weeks later he left match, something that he never did when we were still meeting up. Do you think this means anything?

How do I stop thinking about this guy? He's a player and insecure (kept mentioning all the girls he dated even though I never asked him, words never matched his actions, always on match, gym rat, tried to hookup on the third "date") and it's been months since I ended it (Oct) but I can't stop thinking about what happened..

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 27, 12:39 AM,
"He's a player and insecure. Kept mentioning all the girls he dated even though I never asked him, words never matched his actions, always on match, gym rat, tried to hookup on the third "date."

In my experience, this the THE CLASSIC profile of an insecure man.

Emotionally shallow, emotionally unavailable, and the use of a LOT of tactics meant to fool people into thinking otherwise (giving the impression there are a lot of women in his life, saying one thing and doing another, working out to give the false appearance of confidence on the outside because he's lacking it on the inside, and using sex as a coping mechanism instead of an expression of love and emotion).

"How do I stop thinking about this guy?"

When you find yourself giving into those thoughts, you purposefully distract yourself with a physical activity of some sort. You get up and get moving. Whether that's cleaning your house, lunching with girlfriends, shopping, walking, exercising - whatever it takes to distract the mind.

If you permit yourself to go there, all you end up doing is creating more connections in your brain that create pathways to even more of that thinking. You "map" your mind to be geared towards that type of thinking. Which is why it's important to physically stop that process.

"I went back on match two months after I ended it with him. He checked my completely brand new profile a few days after I joined. I was wearing the same outfit that I once wore to a date with him. Two weeks later he left match, something that he never did when we were still meeting up. Do you think this means anything?"

It could be a ploy to get your attention (because his attention was obviously on you, he was checking your profile), to see if his disappearance could trigger you to chase him down.

This man wasn't enjoyable to date when you DID date him. So don't long for him now that you're not dating him. You already know that you're not missing anything there, and that it was always all about him (and bolstering his ego) and not about you (making you feel special).

You deserve better dear. You can't see the future if you're always looking backwards into the past. Stay forward focused. Men like this will come and go, and come and go, and come and go. . .but the man that is the RIGHT man for you will stay. He won't make you question yourself, he'll treat you right, he'll strive to make you feel good about yourself, and you'll enjoy your time with him.

He's out there - keep moving forward so that the universe can present you with opportunities to meet him ;-)

piscesgirl said...

"You deserve better dear. You can't see the future if you're always looking backwards into the past. Stay forward focused. Men like this will come and go, and come and go, and come and go. . .but the man that is the RIGHT man for you will stay. He won't make you question yourself, he'll treat you right, he'll strive to make you feel good about yourself, and you'll enjoy your time with him. He's out there - keep moving forward so that the universe can present you with opportunities to meet him" this is so great Mirror ! thank you and to Anonymous @ 12:39 AM I know how hard it is to move on when you are left with so many unanswered questions, guys can seem so heartless and uncaring and just walk away from situations leaving us feeling sad angry and confused but whats helped me apart from getting busy is just keeping in mind that these types of guys are really no prize once they show you their true colors that's who they are and always will be so don't envy the next woman they move on to. I think because you are both physicians you were on level playing fields and he couldn't overly impress you with his credentials because you have the same ones and guys always want to feel like they are impressing women because it boosts their egos. So don't feel bad you are obviously an intelligent educated woman and you can do better than that. No matter what tactics he ploys to try to get your attention/reaction stay strong and don't message him because even negative attention to a guy is still a boost to their egos because it shows you care. When they see you mirroring their behaviour and acting like you don't care you win and literally every guy I was like this towards came back around and wont stop messaging me because they realize you love and value yourself to walk away from a situation where you are not being treated special and then when you ignore their messages that drives them crazy lol its funny how when you stop wanting something it comes to you.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much Mirror and piscesgirl for your advice! I really appreciate it and I am so grateful for taking your time to read and reply. This is Anonymous from 12:39am on 3/27.

There's something else I wanted to add about this story. I should stop ruminating about the situation and this guy should be completely blocked out of my mind...but the experience was a little traumatizing and I just need to get it out. From interacting with this guy, I can tell he's well respected in his career. He's also the charming, social, "don't sweat the small stuff" type of guy.

He told me on the last date (2 months in) that he was divorced, even though it says he's "never married" on match. I don't necessarily care that he was divorced, however it was a red flag that he lied, took that long for him to be forthright about it, and I don't think he's completely over his ex - 9 years with her, still has her pic on his phone, brings up this relationship every "hangout session" only instead of ex-wife he uses the term ex-girlfriend....

What's worse is he also narcissistic. He mentioned sh*t like "dentists are only dentists bc they couldn't get into med school" and questioning if my med school was a "real med school". When I told him my longest relationship was 3-4 months he started saying things like "are you a lesbian? Do you have a personality disorder? Just kidding!" At that time I didn't say anything and just laughed along with it because I thought he was joking. Now that I think about it, it's not funny. Not funny at all.

Obviously that was the last date (and the most character revealing one to be frank). I knew he was insecure and a player-type...but the cr*p he said in the above paragraph is bordering on something a lot more dangerous..like a personality disorder. What do you think Mirror? How can someone be so two-faced in life...super "nice", well respected in his professional/social life, but behind scenes amongst his "dates" he's a bit of a sociopath? He even said he doesn't want ppl to know who he is "dating"...dangerous. What do you think?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 29, 1:39 AM,
"He told me on the last date (2 months in) that he was divorced, even though it says he's "never married" on match."

BIG RED FLAG. If a man is willing to lie to you about his marital status before he even meets you. . .then he'll lie to you about much larger things when he's dating you.

Anyone that is willing to begin a friendship, dating relationship or otherwise built on a foundation of lies is NOT someone you want to be dating. Nothing can stand for long on a fractured (lies) foundation.

"brings up this relationship every "hangout session" only instead of ex-wife he uses the term ex-girlfriend."

WHAT!!

Not only is it terrible to be discussing your ex during every encounter with someone new you're dating. . .but referring to your ex wife as your ex girlfriend quite honestly -- seems dangerously strange to me.

As in - delusional dangerous :-(

Why would you attempt to delude yourself, and new people you meet, into viewing your ex wife as an ex girlfriend instead? It smells a tad dangerous to me because that's simply not rational, logical, or normal behavior at all.

Reality is reality. Fantasy only lives in the mind. Is this man attempting to make fantasy reality? Or can he not see the two for what they are? Is he believing that fantasy somehow becomes reality?

Quite honestly, that's a sign of a mental condition:

"Schizophrenia is a disabling brain disorder that affects the way your brain works and how you think. Schizophrenics can't always tell reality from fantasy."

Those with this condition tend to drift in and out, to and from, reality to fantasy.

"What's worse is he also narcissistic."

This isn't good. "Narcissism is the emotional basis for the problem of schizophrenia."

"When I told him my longest relationship was 3-4 months he started saying things like "are you a lesbian? Do you have a personality disorder? Just kidding!"

You know - it's a very common occurrence for people to "project" onto others, what they are guilty of or see in themselves. Notice how HE ASKED YOU if YOU have a personality disorder?

"but the cr*p he said in the above paragraph is bordering on something a lot more dangerous..like a personality disorder. What do you think Mirror?"

Well -- before I even got this far down into your comment. . .you see what I was sensing above? I sensed the same as you - dangerous, personality disorder, possibly unable to recognize the difference between fantasy (what you THINK) and reality (what is).

"How can someone be so two-faced in life...super "nice", well respected in his professional/social life, but behind scenes amongst his "dates" he's a bit of a sociopath?"

Well, I think you just answered your own question - sociopath. They are know to be charming and very social (hence the "socio-social" reference).

"He even said he doesn't want ppl to know who he is "dating"...dangerous."

Not sure what the purpose of that would be. And the only reasons I can imagine after all this talk are nefarious ones - just kidding - sort of LOL.

"What do you think?"

I think all of this should quickly turn you off in a heart beat to him. Something is simply NOT RIGHT here. Don't know exactly what it is, and I'm no professional. . .but I am wise enough to listen to my gut. And my gut is rumbling on this one.

And so is yours.

This should be enough for you to thank your lucky stars he's now out of your life - and have you never looking back. Because again, something is not right here.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror,

Thanks so much for your advice. I hope you write a book one day!

My situation is a little bizarre. I was introduced to a friend's friend in January, and we communicated back and forth through text to set up a day to meet, and decided to meet in early Feb. He has a very busy career, and takes forever to text back, even before we met up. Literally took 3 to 5 days to return a text.

The first date went well (or so I thought) but I had to pick up a friend from the train station and had to cut the date short (although it already went on for 3 hours and was midnight by then). He asked if I wanted to meet up with my friend and him afterwards and I told him no because I wanted to spend time with my friend who came to visit me. I told him I was free Wednesday and said we can meet then if he's free. He said sure. He started going on how he was going to take me to this place, and that place in the future.

Wednesday rolls around. I didn't hear from him and it's 3pm. I text him if we're still meeting up and he says "Yes but is it ok if it's after 9pm." I told him that was alright and he arranges for us to meet up at a local bar. The date goes alright, although he pulls out his cellphone and shows me things on his cell for some reason (like his work email, etc). He was also going out of town the next week and asked me to come along since I had those days off. I told him no, I was already in that particular country a few weeks ago plus I just met him.

As the night progresses, it's midnight and he asks if I want to go back to his place for a drink and "no pressure". I told him yeah sure, I would like to check out his place.

He showed me around his place, didn't really make a move on me at all. (My friend later also told me she advised him not to "do stupid shit"). He dropped me home, and was angling for a kiss so I gave him one and told him to have fun on his trip. I sent him a text saying "have a good trip" and he replied saying thank you.

He has an extremely busy career, where he works around 80 to 100 hours per week. I didn't hear from him a week since he got back and texted him "hey handsome, hope your week went well." He replied A WEEK LATER saying "My life has been a living hell lately. Sorry for the late reply, how are you?" And I replied with "Sorry to hear that! what happened? I'm doing good." Never heard back from him. That's been over two weeks ago.

My friend texted him about two weeks ago asking him to help her with a study, and he said "i'm busy".

My friend, the one who also introduced me to him, states that she has no idea if he's a player or not but knows that he does go on quite a few dates and that she thinks I should keep on dating other people.

This guy essentially ghosted on me since I sent my last text two and a half weeks ago. I have not contacted him since. It's a done deal then Mirror? Just move on?

What happens if this guy comes back into my life, texting me again, what should I do?

Thank you so much.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 1, 10:01 PM,
"What happens if this guy comes back into my life, texting me again, what should I do?"

That's a personal choice. But first you have to ask yourself -- is this a man you even WANT to date in the first place?

Think about it. He's constantly too "busy" yet has time to date multiple women according to your friend. He cannot seem to make you a priority; he can only slot you in from 9 pm to midnight. He's ignorant and doesn't respond to texts for days or weeks.

Do you feel special to him? Does that make you feel special? And if you were to date him, would that be enough from him to make you happy and fee secure with him?

If it were me, I'd move on. There's nothing special here to be hanging around waiting on ;-)

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous -

I completely agree with MoA on this guy. From what you write, it doesn't sound like this guy is truly available to anyone for a satisfying relationship. He has that "I'm-special-because-I-am-so-busy-vibe going. With age, maturity and wisdom, I've learned that these guys aren't nearly as busy as they would like you to believe.

Who cares if he is a "player" or not. What you want to call him doesn't matter so much as he sounds like a horrible person to date unless you want to sign up for heartbreak.

I've dated the guy who takes forever to reply to a text. It is usually a precursor of a disappearing man. If he already ghosted on you, why on earth would you want to give him a second chance? He will just take that as leeway to do it again. Also notice how when he finally replied the first time, it was about how rough his life was an he didn't care to really discuss anything further (my guess is he wanted you to give him a free pass on disappearing via making you feel sorry for him).

Here's where I think you may have gone wrong: When you didn't hear from him on Wednesday, you inquired to see if plans were still on. I see women botching this all the time. Be willing to be disappointed that a date may fall through and require the guy to confirm WITH YOU. It will go a long way towards weeding out the undesirables. Way too many women send that confirmation text when it looks like it's not going to happen -- if a guy isn't confirming, it's usually a sign he is lukewarm. I think texting him a week later, when you haven't heard from him, is an internal job too -- ask yourself what the value is in having to reach out to a guy and remind him you are alive.

In short, this guy hasn't earned or deserved a second chance and its likely good that you are getting out now than getting further involved with him. In your message above, you haven't mentioned one great thing about him.

pisces girl said...

@ anonymous 2:02pm you are spot on! I wouldn't have bothered messaging him on Wednesday to confirm date plans. A man who is eager enough would of been on top of that himself to make sure that it was still on for that evening because he was excited to see her. Also slotting her in from 9 to midnight sounds like he just wants her to be available at his convenience-that isn't very gentleman like because most gentleman would of asked what time would of worked best for her. I think the best advice Mirror has every given that's stuck with me regarding disappearing men is that when they disappear you fall off their radar completely and all they hear are crickets chirping in the still of the night LOL calling them and messaging them is what they expect but when you sit back and do nothing they start thinking about you more and realizing you are different -not like most women and if they were even partially interested that would have them thinking and wondering about you more. Is there somebody else? was she not that into me? Ill admit it is really hard to sit back and do nothing especially if you are a take charge kind of woman who is used to making things happen in her life. But when it comes to men and relationships Ive realized through a lot of trial and error that if a man is interested he will always come to you because a man will ALWAYS do what he wants to do. If they are hungry they eat, if they are tired they sleep, and if we have to somehow coax them to see us its usually a sign that they aren't very interested or that they are players. Not only that it also makes you seem kind of pathetic like you have no other options. So don't check up on people who don't check up on you and yeah his bullshit excuse about going through a hard time -wow that's a nice way to ghost someone by disappearing and making someone feel bad for them. Suppose that were true if he cant get a handle of his life and his emotions hes probably not the kind of man you wanna be dating anyways.

Anonymous said...

@piscesgirl-

The only thing I disagree with is when a woman drops the rope and doesn't call or text, I *don't* think most men start thinking about women more and thinking they are different. Personally, I don't think they care at all and just move on with their life - especially if they demonstrated lackluster behavior to start. In their head, on to the next one. (This is especially true of EU men -- don't expect them to care, come back or if they do that they will have changed -- FANTASIES!). I really wish women would stop perpetuating this myth to one another. These men don't sit and ponder the remarkable attributes of the women they blew off. They aren't the type to engage in such contemplation.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Apr 4, 12:03 PM,
"The only thing I disagree with is when a woman drops the rope and doesn't call or text, I *don't* think most men start thinking about women more and thinking they are different."

While I understand what you're saying, I strongly disagree with this statement in general, although the last portion is correct in some situations. Let me explain.

In nature, no matter how much society has changed - gender roles still play a pivotal role in mating and dating. Man leads, woman submits. The man takes the lead (initiates) and the woman has the power of choice (submit) to use to her advantage.

When a woman takes on the man's role and becomes the aggressor (initiator) in the relationship, that forces the man into the feminine role of submission (to her lead). And while most modern men THINK they want this. . .the reality nine times out of ten is that they DO NOT want to be forced into the feminine role, and over time, they tend to lose attraction for the woman (because she's taken over as the leader in the male role). This can cause them to feel emasculated by the woman and a bit powerless to enjoy their masculine lead role.

And the way you see that manifest is usually in the following ways:

1) The man may begin to view the woman as too bossy and controlling.
2) He may begin to distance himself from her aggressive stance by not responding to her as quickly, or at all anymore, by ignoring her at times (in order to gain some control back from her), or by refusing to comply period.
3) He may break up with her under the claim that it's just not "working out."
4) He may start to experience negative feedback from his friends claiming that he's "whooped" by the woman.
5) He'll label the woman "crazy" - call her a control freak - and suddenly disappear on her without a word.

An entire myriad of "symptoms" start to show. And the root cause of all of those sudden feelings and change of heart is generally the fact that. . .by dating a woman who's taken the masculine lead role on for herself -- he's no longer able to enjoy being a man. He won't come right out and admit this though. Instead, he'll start to waffle and vacilate about how he feels about the woman, and how he feels about continuing to date her. . .and the above "symptoms" will start to mannifest in his behavior towards her. The woman will begin to feel an overall sense of "defiance" from the man towards her.

And the hidden root cause of that defiance is that he's not permitted to be the man in the relationship, in the lead masculine role. (He'll start to act out and become non-compliant.)

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Moving onto the second portion of your statement above, two points:

1) Men who are only half interested will move on (which is why letting THEM LEAD is a GREAT way for women to "qualify" their level of interest in the first place. Half interested men who cannot be bothered to intiate and lead and show their interest in the woman SHOULD move on and save the woman a lot of potentially wasted time spent on a half interested man.)

2) Men who ARE genuinely interested, WILL consider the woman "different" and this will pique their interest and attraction to her? Why? Two reasons: 1) psychologically it's a fact that people generally always secretly want what they've been told they cannot have - psychologically they consider non-attainable things to have a higher value than things that are easily attainable to them and 2) men test women with this tactic to see if they're insecure. Insecure women jump right into the lead role, chasing down the man's attention and constantly reminding him that they exist. Once they know you're desperate for male attention and willing to do the man's job, they'll kick back and let the woman walk right into being used by them (to which they'll quickly disappear 2-3 months later after having a fling with her). If the man tests the woman in this manner and she BEHAVES DIFFERENTLY FROM WHAT THEY EXPECT and she DOES NOT chase them down. . .they will know that she values herself highly and is confident and isn't desperate for male attention. If they're a genuinly interested man to begin with - they will be impressed by this, they will place a higher value on this woman as opposed to the desperate ones chasing them down that are signaling they do not value themselves highly by doing so. . .and they will pick up the lead, pursue the woman and court her, taking on the masculine lead role.

That's a CRUCIAL time in the relationship. If the woman does not hold her own and signal to the man that she's to be valued highly, and that she values herself highly, and instead she becomes insecure, desperate and gives chase. . .she can actually turn a good man off by doing so and lose him.

Gentlemen that are genuinely interested want to date feminine women. They are NOT attracted to masculine energy. If they were, they'd date other men. They are attracted to feminine energy (submissive) that permits THEM TO BE MEN.

When that energy is flip flopped and the woman becomes the aggressor, she can pretty much guarantee herself nothing more than a brief 2-3 month affair with the man. Once she signals she wants "more" from him (wants him to "man up" and take the lead), or worse begins controlling everything - the man will come up with an excuse to break up with her.

Becoming the aggressor as the woman is the path to a brief fling or affair with a man that won't likely last beyond the 3 month mark. However, if the woman remains in her feminine role, exhibits feminine energy (not masculine leading energy). . genuinely interested men will find that over time, he's more and more impressed with the woman and how she values herself and carries herself.

Ever wonder why the men you don't chase down blow up your phone constantly, and the men you DO chase down go to great lengths to take their time responding, calling, and sometimes disappear and quit responding altogether?

That's why.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Because the one's you've signaled to that they "can't have you or your immediate attention" are now thinking about you non-stop, wondering why you're avoiding them. . .and the ones that you're chasing down are spending the majority of their time trying to develop excuses for why they didn't respond right away, why they've ignored you for days, and why they disappeared over the weekend.

Man leads, woman submits is the path to a lasting relationship because it lets both parties enjoy being who they are - men and women. Woman leads, man submits is the path to a brief affair that likely won't last beyond the 3 month mark (because the man will tire of being forced into the feminine role, instead of being able to enjoy being a man).

"Personally, I don't think they care at all and just move on with their life - especially if they demonstrated lackluster behavior to start."

That's how you "filter" men to qualify their level of interest in you. Half interested men won't lift a finger for you and they'll kick back and expect you to do THEIR job for them, and they'll enjoy you throwing yourself at them for about 3 months before they tire of it and decide to move on.

However, genuinely interested men (and remember, these are the only ones worth dating if a lasting relationship is what you seek) WILL notice that you're different from other women. They will notice that you value yourself highly, they will notice your confidence, they will notice that you didn't become insecure and start to chase them down reminding them that you exist as a result. . .and they will find that as time goes on, they're becoming more and more attracted to you because THOSE ARE THE FEATURES that men look for when it comes to a long term relationship. Those are the qualities they want in a wife - confidence, a healthy sense of self-worth, strength, etc. They don't generally set out to marry women who are full of anxiety, worrying all the time, trying to control them and the relationship all the time, feeling insecure all the time, chasing them down constantly, grilling them and asking questions about why they're not calling, who they're with, etc.

No man wants to be around that energy for the rest of his life. Generally speaking, men seek out confidence in a woman, strength and a healthy sense of self-worth and a balanced emotional state in a lifelong mate.

When a woman takes the lead, she's signaling all kinds of negative things to the man (desperation, low sense of self-worth, low self-esteem, insecurity, anxiousness, worry, and an unbalanced emotional state that can explode at any moment if things don't go her way).

"In their head, on to the next one."

Those are the men that aren't even worth dating. Genuinely interested men that are confident pursue the things in life that they desire. Whether it's career, friendship or relationship. A man that's genuinely interested in a woman will move heaven and earth for her.

And the only way a woman can know if a man IS genuinely interested. . .is to see if HE PURSUES HER.

If the woman chases the man down and takes on the lead masculine role, she is left in a sea of confusion, constantly wondering if the man really likes her or not. When meanwhile, she'd have an instant answer to that question. . .if she'd just slip into her feminine role, and see if the man takes up his lead masculine role.

If he does - BINGO! He's genuinely interested. If he doesn't and it's "on to the next one" then the woman knows right then and there, that man was NOT genuinely interested in her to begin with.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I really wish women would stop perpetuating this myth to one another."

I really wish that women would stop trying to control everything and everyone around them constantly all the time, trying to be "people pleasers" and getting horribly used and taken for granted in the process. When you act like that as a woman, you appear emotionally "strung out" to others and it decreases attraction quickly when you see a woman that's a hot mess, chasing down men, calling constantly, nagging and bitching, wanting attention, questioning, cyring and begging. . .who WOULD be attracted to that? You can't blame men that run from that type of energy.

Hell, even in nature when something comes charging at you out of the woods you're gut instinct is to quickly move away from the force coming at you. However, if you hear something rustling in the bushes, your gut instinct is to draw closer to it, to inspect it more thoroughly.

Ladies, don't be the bear charging at men out of the woodline. If you do that, their natural instinct will be to distance themselves from the force you're exhibiting. However, if you're patient and you exhibit confidence and strength sitting under a tree minding your own business. . .it's likely the man will draw nearer to you to get a closer look at who you really are ;-)

"These men don't sit and ponder the remarkable attributes of the women they blew off."

Half interested men don't do that. But genuinely interested men DO think about how they treated you. And if they reach the conclusion that they're treated you poorly and that they really DO like you and are interested to see where things may go. . .they will apologize and ask for a second chance or circle back around and look you up again.

In which case - the power of CHOICE is yours once again ;-) You can choose to tell him to go to hell LOL, or you can choose to give him a second chance (and use your feminine power to your advantage from that day forward).

"They aren't the type to engage in such contemplation."

You can't place all men into one category. Half interested men won't engage in that type of contemplation, because they didn't give a shit about you in the first place LOL. But genuinely interested men WILL engage in healthy self-talk and self-examination of their own behavior. Any one, man or woman, that's interested and in a healthy state of mind engages in that type of activity regularly.

Take yourself for instance. If you were dating a man that treated you well and did nothing wrong - and you blew him off without a word and were ignorant to him for no reason. . .after a week or two, would you not start to think about your own behavior towards him, and how it might have been wrong and not the right thing to do?

If you're an emotionally well-balanced human being with a conscious, you'll engage in that type of thinking. And it may lead you to do the right thing and apologize for your actions and behavior.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

If you're not an emotionally well-balanced human being and your selfish and you weren't interested in the first place, you won't engage in that type of thinking because you lack a conscious and really don't care about this other person.

That's the #1 tool in a woman's arsenal that she has to help her discern if a man is genuinely interested or not - to see if the man pursues her. If he doesn't, he's not a man worth dating anyway so good riddens. If he does, the woman knows instantly that the man is genuinely interested. He's taking on the lead masculine role with her, he's moving the relationship forward (which signals his interest in her), and he's treating her with respect.

When that happens - there's no confusion and no guessing on the woman's part about whether or not the man's interested in her. There are no questions about where the relationship is going (she knows where it's going because he's leading it forward), there's no anxiety or wondering or worrying on the woman's part, and no pressure from her being felt by the man. This is a VERY ENJOYABLE dating experience for the man (pressure free). And the woman knows EXACTLY where she stands with him. . .and she knows that THIS MAN is WORTH her time and attention.

And once he asks her for a commitment and tells her he loves her, she can THEN start to intiate some conversations. But until a commitment is in place and the man has expressed that he has feelings for the woman, she's better off slipping into her feminine role while letting the man take on his masculine lead role.

It's the only way she's going to find out if the man is genuinely interested in her or not.

Her other option is to take on the man's masculine lead role, forcing him into the feminine role of submission, to hunt him down, be the one to remind him she exists constantly, become confused and start questioning him and interrogating him, begin suffering anxiety and worry, and eventualy look like an emotionally unbalanced control freak to the man. Which will quickly diminish his attraction to her thus causing their budding relationship to come to a screaching halt after about 3 months. . .leaving the woman an emotional mess, wondering what went wrong :-(

I don't know about you but I enjoy being a woman (feminine), and I'm attracted to men that are real men (leaders, initiators). If I have to do the man's work and take control of the situation myself. . .I end up becoming turned off to the man. I end up viewing him as "weak" in a sense, and not the leader I want standing by my side throughout life. I end up looking at his as if he won't be a good provider and I'm going to be the one stuck handling everything all the time, while he kicks back, worries about nothing, and plays video games all day long.

No thanks - only REAL MEN need apply with me ;-)

And if you cannot show me you're a real man early on when you start dating me, and you show me you're okay with being passive and feminine as a man, and you show me that you're not a "take charge" kind of guy. . .buy bye.

If you disappear on me, I will consider it a blessing LOL ;-)

Anonymous said...

Mirror of Aphrodite - I hear what you are saying. My thoughts stem mainly from my feelings and experiences: improper courtship, followed by me "allowing" the ghosting to happen and not responding the way most women would OR a proper courtship (where I was mainly in the receptive role except for the times I choose to step out of it for a given reason that was warranted) that fell apart because the man in question had unfinished business with his ex and lied about it. I can't speak to the circumstances you mention bc I don't engage in a lot of those behaviors. But I know from my experiences, that I usually encounter the first lot -- the ones who were never "all in" from the get-go regardless of what I did/did not do. I doubt they waste a second of their time thinking about me even though I handled matters in a way that 90% of women cannot.

pisces girl said...

@ anonymous 12:03 pm "I *don't* think most men start thinking about women more and thinking they are different. Personally, I don't think they care at all and just move on with their life - especially if they demonstrated lackluster behavior to start" I too agree if they are only half interested or too selfish to care about anyone but themselves of course they wouldn't care their attitude would be like "oh well" and on to the next one but those are exactly the type of guys we don't wanna deal with anyways. And if they are like that why bother communicating with them again and giving them this grandiose feeling of importance after they made you feel forgotten/unworthy and unimportant. Of course it makes us feel anxious and insecure like maybe we did or said something wrong but why do we always have to blame ourselves and why do they have to know that. If that were the case a real man would at least have a mature adult conversation and told you what may have bothered him or gone wrong. The last guy who disappeared a few weeks ago is still checking my instagram page I can see he viewed my pics last night but I'm not gonna read too much into that because it doesn't mean anything if he wants to get in touch he knows where to find me and i still wont be contacting him even though im scratching my head and im puzzled as I really wasn't expecting that from him but i realized we dont need people to give us closure and you probably would never get it from men who are not real men and respectful men to begin with. Its aĺl about his actions either he's making things happen or he's not....(continued)

pisces girl said...

In the past every time I have tried to "put my pride aside" and reestablish communication with a guy who's either distanced himself or disappeared on me ive always regretted it and the end result was always the same-him gone or back but still distant. I had a situation with my neighbor a few months back which I shared here and even though I wasn't initiating communication with him in the beginning I think I was still too available and too accommodating and he took me for granted for that reason. He would swing by without calling any time and even if i was in bed trying to fall asleep i would open the door for him. There were no boundaries but because I liked the company I didn't put many in place till later when i told him he needed to start calling first. Men are like pets and children they need boundaries because it seems the vast majority have none and its only until after things have gone too far for their comfort level that they become less available and distant.They cant always get what they want or they begin to take it for granted and once they take you for granted and think you will always be there it is pretty much game over and they've lost interest because the challenge is gone and again this is speaking from my own personal experiences. When my neighbor distanced himself I began to feel anxious and insecure and started to call and message him more and go knocking on his door once in a while. One time i baked him brownies and when i went to deliver them because he was ignoring my texts I wasnt met with a friendly or welcoming attitude in fact he was so rude he gave me a dirty look and took the brownies and I don't even think he said thank you. He told me he had someone there. Disgustingly rude and looking back now im so proud of myself i dont talk to that fool anymore. I deluded myself into thinking we vibed so well and I started to become more attracted to him we weren't even dating but i was too nice, accommodating and available and convenient for him and without much challenge the interest fades out. So that's why now I treat men the same way they treat me and I never try to do extra for them like when I used to cook for my neighbor and share my baked goodies with him and let him stay all evening to hang out and watch movies yet he never invited me to his place (his domain) and showed me the same hospitality and generosity i showed him but he would have other girls over there all the time. That is why everything I read about on here makes complete sense to me. I think when I started to take on that masculine role he sensed I liked him more because I did develop feelings for him over time even though when I first met him I was like meh -hes ok. But guys do pick up on our vibes and if all they want is sex as soon as you show more interest they bolt. When the insecurity and anxiousness kicked in and I started doing more to try to reel him back in I felt stressed out and sad while he was right down the hall kicking it back with different girls and not thinking or caring about me. If I had played it cool and acted like I didn't care I would of kept my pride instead of making him feel like he was so important when really he aint shit definitely not better than me but we tend to put clowns on a pedestal when our heads are in the clouds. He's 35 now and only moved out of his parents house a couple years ago yup lol- enough said but I forgot about little things like that when I was dealing with him. So moral of the story never chase a Fu&k boy or do wifey shit for them

pisces girl said...

(continued)...when we do too much we end up feeling depleted whereas if we just sit back in our feminine role and let the man do the work then even if he were to walk out of our lives suddenly and with no warning like they often do we would of lost nothing because we didn't overly invest too much of ourselves or our resources and we are less likely to be left feeling used lied to or cheated.One more thing that Mirror mentioned is that men have feelings just like us maybe not as emotional but the same way we are constantly thinking about them feeling insecure and anxious trying to replay everything that happened they can become insecure too if they dont hear from us because many men are so egotistical and to stop getting ANY attention from the female he was dealing with can be a blow to his ego and he might begin to wonder why she isnt blowing up his phone and that in turn can make him feel a little less sure of himself like maybe she doesnt really think im all that (and chances are he isnt!)
The more more female attention men get the more confidence they begin to exude which in turn attracts more female attention so maybe that's why they disappear only to return when they arent getting as much attention because you aren't in hot pursuit or acting like u notice they are gone or even care or maybe they had a blow to their ego because some other girl rejected them. So I'm not trying to perpetuate any fallacies about men i think you are right in that a lot of men dont even have the capacity to have the emotions thoughts and feelings that us females do because we are so different than them but my point was that they if they have ceased communication or are making minimal efforts no amount of effort made on our part as a female is going to make him man up and come closer to us its only going to drive him further away or like Mirror says he will come back around only to have a little play time and then once again go along his merrily way without so much as a see ya later

Fire & Water said...

"Insecure women jump right into the lead role, chasing down the man's attention and constantly reminding him that they exist. Once they know you're desperate for male attention and willing to do the man's job, they'll kick back and let the woman walk right into being used by them (to which they'll quickly disappear 2-3 months later after having a fling with her)"

As a side note to this: I think you can *act* insecure without being insecure. You can think well of yourself and love who you are and not feel like you *need* a man but, through really liking a guy and wanting to get to know them, end up stepping into that lead role. It comes from excitement and interest and intensity, but it is perceived by men as insecurity, and they react accordingly. So it's really important to learn to curb that and be aware that how you are presenting yourself matches who you really are.

Unknown said...

Me to. But a player don't always have to be someone with lots of women or men. It could be someone who has lots of relationship to sexual or not just as long as they benefit from it. So the hole other female or male thing is wrong should say relationship whatever kind with who ever if it fits it's a player. So sorry

Anonymous said...

This is Anonymous from 3/27 and 3/29 2017.

There's more to this story. Two weeks ago, I saw the same douchebag at the crosslight, him in his car and me at the stop light. He rolled down his window, smirked, waved and drove off. Didn't think much of it, although I thought it was weird that he did this since I haven't communicated or saw him in a year in person.

Yesterday, while checking out a dating app, I see that this douchebag's brother liked me on the app. On the app, the brother's age was placed at 30. From what I can remember from the douchebag telling me, the brother was actually 37, married, with a kid along the way. So why is he on a dating app? I don't think douchebag knows that I know what his bro looks like, I only know bc I saw his pic on Facebook.

So either his bro is cheating trying to meet women online (being in reality 37, married, 2 kids, with a kid along the way) or the douchebag is catfishing as his brother online for a reason that I don't get. He also has his real profile on the dating app, and the written part is very similar to his brother's profile lol.

I don't know what's going on with this family but it's mental. I always categorized this douchebag as a player, but if he is a player, why would he be catfishing? Especially as his brother? Who, to be frank, is not as physically attractive as him?

I think this whole situation is super sketchy

Anonymous said...

Mirror, I started dating this guy who appears to be a real gentleman, polite, opening doors, never talking sex or initiating anything physical.

Have a concern in that very often he brings up various "women" in his life, which he says are friends, but there are a lot of them. I am not sure why he would do this. With a guy I am interested in, if I have guy platonic friends I would NOT discuss them frequently, maybe in passing but not on a regular basis.

I am wondering if he is a player. We obviously have a lot of chemistry and we lock eyes very frequently but he never makes a move physically.

It really bugs me that he talks about other women so much. What's the deal with that? I have never dated anyone in the past who brought up this subject regularly. I think it's a bit insensitive frankly.

What do you think?

Mandy

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Mandy,
"It really bugs me that he talks about other women so much. What's the deal with that?"

I've actually been in this situation many times before when dating, and it's been my experience that in each and every case -- ultimately, I came to discover that I was dealing with a very insecure man.

I've also dated men with very close female friends and observed that's there's a very distinct difference between the two. When the man has genuine female friends, the conversation that includes them is also very genuine as well. The man is open, honest, forthright and genuinely cares for the woman as a close friend. He or I can bring her up at any moment in discussion without negative consequence. There's no tension surrounding any of that discussion.

However, I've observed that with the insecure men and the bazillion female friends they claimed to have, that same does not happen. Instead, the conversation around these women seems disingenuous, at times it's actually even insensitive and insulting in subtle ways, and bringing any of them up in conversation results in a lot of negative tension.

It's always the man's behavior and reaction that tells me if the friendships are genuine or not.

And with the insecure men that are not genuine about these friendships, I've eventually found out that these women were either friends with benefits, or not really true friends at all, but instead women they've actually dated in the past - that they're keeping as an "option" in their orbit for the future.

And I've found that they interject these women into conversation constantly in an effort to trigger my insecurities deliberately. As in, "Look at me, aren't you special to be sitting here with me. I've got all these women in my life, all these sexual options - aren't you jealous? Aren't you scared? You're lucky I'm sitting here with you, because my stock on the market is high, and you've got a lot of competition on your hands."

Generally speaking, I don't make it past a second or third date with those types of men. I already know enough about their character at that point to know that they're emotionally immature, and not ready for a real relationship. So any further time spent with them is a waste of my time.

Men that are genuinely serious about dating and building a relationship with a woman do NOT spend unusually large amounts of time participating in self-destructive behavior that actually hinders a relationship from budding (i.e. talking about a myriad of other women constantly in front of the woman they supposedly have an interest in).

That's self-destructive behavior that hinders a relationship from growing. But it can work wonders on women of low self-esteem whose insecurities are triggered. It can trigger them to begin competing with these women subconsciously, working harder, trying harder to win the man over (which only makes it a lot easier for them to sleep with the woman a lot faster).

"I have never dated anyone in the past who brought up this subject regularly. I think it's a bit insensitive frankly."

It is. And it's a sign of emotional immaturity, insecurity, self-destructive behavior, and signals that the man isn't really ready for a serious relationship. If you cannot respect the woman sitting across the table from you, or her feelings, then you're definitely not ready to have a woman in your life long-term. If you fail to make the woman feel special and instead participate in behavior that makes her feel insecure about herself -- you're a fool that knows nothing about women, about a woman's needs, or what it takes to actually have one in your life.

There's a big difference between a boy and a man - and mature men don't behave foolishly or participate in self-destructive behavior.

The guy you're dealing with simply doesn't sound ready for anything serious :-(

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