Online Internet Dating Advice: Do’s And Don’ts For Women

You gals asked for it, so here it is, ladies. A handy little woman’s guide to the world of online dating or what some might affectionately call “The Twilight Zone.”

Yes, the world of online dating can be freaky, indeed. Don’t get me wrong, it works for some and I do know couples that have met online and are happily dating and/or married. But here’s the rub with this new form of meeting people – you literally have to filter through hundreds of profiles, hundreds of players, hundreds of liars and hundreds of fake people – man or woman, before potentially meeting Mr. or Mrs. Right.

After filtering, you then have to conduct interviews of sorts. Not interrogations, but you need to know how to ask the right questions, in the right manner, in order to gain the information you’re truly seeking from the individual without looking obvious while doing so.

If you’re currently dating online and NOT doing the filtering, sorting and “interviewing” like I’ve referenced above, then chances are you’re not qualifying people as a potential match and meeting a lot of individuals you have no interest in, that are off kilter, so-to-speak, and that disappear and reappear like magic. If that sounds like you, you’re probably frustrated and feel like you’re wasting a lot of time on a lot of bad dates with a lot of people that don’t even deserve your attention, whether you’re male or female.

Guys, regretfully I won’t have much advice for you here because I’m not a man. However, to truly meet a nice, mature, non-game playing, emotionally well balanced woman in the world of online dating, if you conduct yourself in the manners I’ve listed below and then follow through with them in your dating tactics, you will pull a nice woman out of the crowd of crazies. (And we do invite you to contribute your thoughts, advice or online dating experiences in the comments here.)

So let’s get started . . .

Your Online Dating Profile: Do’s And Don’ts For Women

Don’t: Be like everyone else. There are a few things we can accept most every woman will tend to say. “I like animals.” “I’m spontaneous and outgoing.” “I wish for world peace.” You get the idea. Scrap that, throw it out the window. You need to express yourself in your profile. Men can smell fake a mile away and it bores them to death. Men look for what’s real, they look for what’s different, a challenge excites them. Don’t be the 60th profile they’ve read that says all the same stuff. Be different, be daring, be a tad snarky (in a nice, funny way) and let your attitude show. Believe it or not, ladies, men like attitude. It turns them on. Don’t be mean, but dare to be a bit balsy about who you really are.

Do: Be yourself. We ran a test with this. Peaches n’ cream “vanilla” profile versus snarky, balsy profile with attitude, a bit of sass and real expression. (And we really pushed the limit in the snarky profile, let me tell you). And guess what? The peaches n’ cream profile received an average amount of views and contacts. But that snarky profile. . . it blew up! In 17 hours, 42 winks rolled in and 27 emails were received along with well over 400 views. Moral of the story? Be yourself, express yourself, show your humorous side and have fun with it. Dare to be different.

Your Profile Pictures

Don’t: Take the proverbial, “I’m in the bathroom mirror shot.” Lighting is horrible and no one cares to see your shitter or your makeup mess in the image. And dear God, do not put provocative photos in your profile. Dating is like fishing. If you’re fishing for bass, you use bass bait. If you’re fishing for trout, you use trout bait. Not all bait attracts the same fish.

If you use provocative photos, you’re going to catch a player (and an STD). And don’t put up images of you and your girlfriends, stop that right now. I actually had a male friend say to me once, “Why do girls do that? There’s always a friend who’s hotter than them and then you consider dating them just to meet their hot friend.” Yikes! Don’t do that.

Also, don’t put images on your profile of you in a bar, drinking, drunk or with a beer in your hand, behaving like a tramp. We all know you lead an exciting life with tons of friends, but common sense should tell you why it’s not wise to do this. If you want to attract an alcoholic, or a frat boy party animal or a player who will use you and then toss you to the curb, then go ahead. Otherwise, clean it up and portray yourself as a lady, not some ding-a-ling trashy girl if it’s a gentleman you truly seek.

Lastly, don’t post photos of yourself with other men. And don’t post photos of yourself with other men with their head missing – we all still know he has a penis and that it’s a man. We know you want to look popular, but there are other ways to portray that. Leave the past in the past.

Do: Take photos outside with nice backgrounds, preferably in the sunshine. On a subconscious level, those images trigger nice thoughts in an individual’s mind and convey happiness, emotional well being and stability. If you have a pet, post a photo of you smiling and enjoying your pet’s company. Always post a nice close up headshot and always include one full body shot. Take the images seriously and have a friend take them for you. Take the photos at interesting angles in artistic ways (try cocking the camera to one side to add interest) and don’t always smile big in every single one of them. Mix it up a bit and be real, you don’t want to look like a Barbie doll with only one expression in every shot. And always show off your best assets – but in a classy manner.

You’re shooting for sexy, fun and playful here. Not slutty, troubled and an emotionally unbalanced train wreck.

Online Dating Conduct: Do’s and Don’ts For Women

If A Guy Gives His Telephone Number To You In His First Email Contact

Don’t: Ever call or text him and don’t even bother to respond in an effort to get to know him. These men, 9 times out of 10, are either lazy or they’re players who aren’t taking dating seriously and treating it like gambling – a numbers game. He’s handing out his number to dozens of women in that manner, knowing that the odds are in his favor. After dozens of giveaways, one woman will actually fall for this and pick up the phone and call him. No man in real life walks up to you, without saying a word, hands you his number and says, “Gimmie a call.” And if he did, you’d probably be suspicious of him. Well the same goes for the online world. There should be an introductory period. If there isn’t - be suspect of him.

And because he isn’t taking any of this seriously and he’s treating dating like a sport or a game of gambling, he won’t take you seriously when you actually pick up the phone and call him. He’ll assume that you’re desperate and he’ll simply take to toying with you, much like a cat does with a mouse. Men sleep with desperate women but they don’t take them home to see mama. These are lazy men that are seeking the perfect victim (i.e. a woman with low self-esteem that’s desperate for male attention, who will sell herself short by reversing the roles, becoming the aggressor and doing all of the work.) Don’t be the perfect victim.

Do: Expect more for yourself and a little bit of effort to be invested from a man before giving him your attention. Delete that email immediately and move along.

If A Guy Gives His Telephone Number To You After A Couple Email Exchanges

Don’t: Call or text him when he does this. A man who is serious about getting to know you will either:

1.) ask you for your number
2.) hint around about chatting sometime

Never, ever, ever be the one to make the first call or text – EVER. Trust me on this, Ladies. The very few first communications you have with someone set the tone for how you will communicate with one another from that point forward. If you become the aggressor, he’ll become lazy and take you for granted. You will spend the entire relationship making attempts to get to know him, making attempts to communicate, making attempts to get his attention – making ALL the attempts.

If you start a relationship out in that manner, he won’t value you; he’ll see you as desperate. He’ll never lift a finger for you, because you’ll be signaling to him that you’re willing to settle for no investment on his part and you’re willing to do all the heavy lifting, all the work, to get this thing off the ground. Never begin a relationship by being the aggressor. It turns men off, they see you as easy prey, and in two weeks, he’ll be disappearing on you and blowing you off - but he will sleep with you before doing so.

The best way to gauge a man’s interest and intentions is to see if he’s willing to invest in you. Men go after what they want. If he wants you, he’ll come looking for you. And when he does, it is at that point that you give him your attention, once he’s put a little bit of effort into it.

No one gets anything for free and only cheats and liars expect something for nothing.

Do: Give him your phone number in return (if it’s unlisted and cannot be traced back to a physical address and if you’ve had several email exchanges where you’ve “felt him out” a bit first and are ready to speak). The other option is to connect with him via a service like the Match.com phone service. Either way, always let him make the first move. He’s a man, let him be one.

If A Guy Invites You To Meet In Person In The First Email Contact

Don’t: Ever go meet him without exchanging several emails first and speaking on the phone several times. Many men will attempt to rush things along (then wonder why they’re disappointed once they get it).

The courtship process is exactly that – a process. If you truly want to connect with someone in an authentic manner, then the process needs to be authentic, too, the tried and true way. Otherwise, he’ll be (secretly) disappointed that you gave in so quickly, he won’t take you seriously and you’ll either end up a hook up – or dead. And I mean that, girls. Never go meet a strange man you met on the Internet that doesn’t even have the common courtesy to exchange conversation with you first or even ask your damn name before asking to meet up with you. That’s a disaster waiting to happen.

Do: Consider him lazy (or a serial killer) and move along. A gentleman that’s seeking to truly connect in an authentic manner with a woman would never ask her to do that. Nor would he ever expect a true lady to be crazy enough to do so. A serious man will want to converse with you first and find out your name and your interests before he invests any time, effort or money into you.

People connect through conversation – they get screwed by meeting up with nameless strangers in the dark of night.

If A Guy Has His Shirt Off In His Photos (And He Isn’t At The Beach)

Don’t: Ever communicate with him. He’s trolling the Internet for sex and he’s signaling that that’s what it’s all about in those photos. Especially if one of those shirtless photos is of him lying in bed, holding the phone up, looking down on himself (portraying the view you’d have if you were on top of him –ick).

Chances are he’s got a profile on all of the seedier sites, too. The free sites like Plenty O’ Fish, where folks openly troll for sex and no-strings-attached hook ups. Stay the hell away from those free sites, Ladies. Creeps troll those. A good man looking for a good woman is willing to pay for a service to make that happen. Creeps trolling for sex don’t want to spend a dime to get laid and, as a result, the free sites are full of creeps trolling for free sex.

Do: Grab a quick shower to get the “ick” off your skin, have a good laugh and move along.

If You’ve Exchanged Several Emails With A Guy And He’s Asked To Meet You

Don’t: Go unless you’ve had at least one or two telephone conversations first. Again, courtship is a process and people connect in an authentic manner via conversation. If you skip this part, there’s a really good chance you won’t feel a connection with him and he won’t feel one for you (although he’ll pretend to in an effort to make the date worth his while to see if he can at least get laid from it). This is the biggest mistake people make when dating online, they rush things, and then wonder why they’re not connecting with anyone or are constantly disappointed. Men, this goes for you, too. If you don’t speak to a girl first, you’re not going to feel connected to her on any real level on the date either (except possibly physically).

Imagine it this way. Would you feel a connection with a total stranger that approached you in public, never spoke but gestured for you to join them for lunch? Hell no. Why? Because it’s a stranger and you’ve never even heard the sound of their voice, that’s why. The “getting to know you” period MUST take place in order for two people to connect in an authentic manner with one another. Skip that step in the courtship process and you’re doomed to be disappointed.

Additionally, people connect with the sound of another’s voice, women in particular find the tone of a man’s voice to be very important. If he squeals in a high pitched tone, you’ll run. If he sounds a bit like Barry White and has a nice, deep, manly voice, you’ll be turned on. Do yourself a favor and find this out BEFORE you agree to sit across the table from the man for two hours.

Do: Give him your phone number and invite him to call you.

On The First Date: Do’s And Don’ts For Women

Don’t: Sleep with him!! Unless, of course, you want him to disappear the next day. I’ve had men tell me that women they meet online show up on the first date with an overnight bag packed. That’s absurd. Do you really think a guy is going to respect you as a woman and want to date you long term when you behave as if you’re worthless and give yourself away for free like that? No way. He’ll sleep with you and then poof, he’ll be gone in a week or two.

Do: Conduct yourself like a lady. Be funny, be smart, be kind, say thank you and be appreciative of his efforts. If you like him, an quick peck on the lips after dinner is acceptable. It’s also acceptable for you to say, “Gimmie a call sometime.” But that’s it. Don’t come off looking desperate or eager. A kiss on the lips and an invitation to call are all the “green” lights a man should need to proceed with a woman.

After The First Date: Do’s And Don’ts For Women

Don’t: Call him and chase him and pursue him. Don't stalk him or view his profile repeatedly. Don't focus on how often he's on the site and don't stay off the site just because you've had one date with a guy. Don't start revising your profile or taglines to send subliminal messages to a guy. Don't take your profile down, leave it up and stay active on it. If you begin to behave as desperate, too eager or too emotional, that's exactly what you'll look like to him. You'll look desperate and worse yet, bat shit crazy and he’ll run faster from you than you can say “bastard.”

Don’t always be available to him. Make him work for this and make him prove he’s genuinely interested in you. This is where you “qualify” the man. Is he genuinely interested or is he just looking to get laid from easy pickings? By hanging back and not always being available to him, you’re making him prove himself and his interest to you. And realize, many, many men will fall off and disappear on you after a first date when you do this. Expect it. But also have faith that you are weeding out the whack-a-doos and the men who are only half interested – the one’s that will sleep with you a couple of times before disappearing on you.

Do: Continue to date other men, keep your options open and respond to texts a couple hours later. Do return calls a few hours later or the next day. You want to look valuable to this man. And the only way to do that is to make him understand that you have a life and that others out there are demanding your time as well. Once a guy gets a whiff that you’re sitting at home by the phone, jumping on it when he calls and responding to texts two minutes later – he’ll begin to take you for granted. Being too available to men tends to invite bad behavior from them.

Accepting More Dates: Do’s And Don’ts For Women

Don’t: Accept last minute requests for dates from the man. Remember, how you behave from the moment you meet a man sets the tone for how the relationship will be from that point forward. If you make yourself too available to a man and accept short notice dates, you will be treated like that by him from that day forward. It will be like opening the door to him taking you for granted from that day on. Use the good ole “3 days rule” when accepting dates. If he doesn’t ask you 3 days in advance, you’re busy and you’ve already made plans. This will signal to him that if he wants your time and attention, he’s going to have to treat you with respect by scheduling dates in advance rather than taking you for granted that you’ll be there – waiting, willing and ready.

Do: Accept date invitations when they are requested 3 or more days in advance. If it’s Tuesday and he wants to see you on Friday, accept the date. If it’s Thursday evening and he wants to see you Friday night, don’t accept the date. But DO NOT tell him you need advance notice. Speak not with words, but with your actions. You simply say, “Gee, I’d love to. Unfortunately, I’ve already made plans. How about Sunday instead?” (3 days later.) Do that repeatedly and he’ll get the hint – he needs to respect you and your time and book time with you in advance if he wants to see you. Using the 3 day rule also paces the relationship. Because men like to rush (into bed) and then when they lose interest quickly afterwards, they don’t understand why. The reason is that the relationship was not paced and he has no time to miss you, long to be with you, or think about you constantly. Men equate longing with love, Ladies. Let them long for you and your time.

NOTE: If a man sticks around and is pursuing you as a genuinely interested man should, you can consider taking it to the next step and sleeping with him after the 7th or 9th date. No sooner or you may play your cards too soon and he may disappear unexpectedly on you. Make him prove he's interested before giving yourself (and your power) away to him.

Conduct Yourself In This Manner From That Point Forward

By not always being available and making him book time with you in advance, you are actually looking very desirable to a man and you’re also setting a nice slow pace – one that won’t overwhelm the man and have him disappearing – looking for air and room to breath – a month or two into it. Men like the chase, they like to compete and they enjoy a good challenge. It excites them and it keeps them interested. Give them what they want.

And realize, you're both dating online. He will date other women and you should date other men. That is, until one of three things has happened:

1.) You've exchanged I love you's
2.) You've agreed to be exclusive with one another
3.) Commitments have been made

If none of the above has taken place, both you and he are free to explore options. And you should take full advantage of that by continuing to do so. This will keep you emotionally healthy and keep you from obsessing over one man.

And again, I repeat, lots of men will disappear on you when you follow the above advice. But that’s actually a good thing, expect it to happen and do not be discouraged by it. You’re weeding your way through the crazies, the users, the players and the flakes. You’re watching out for yourself and you’re “qualifying” men as to whether or not their worth your time or effort. Any men who do not want to do any of the above with you – let them go. They would’ve only slept with you and then disappeared anyway. Don’t put yourself through that. Don’t put yourself out there to be used and dumped and hurt like that.

You’re the only one that can protect yourself in relationships. So do that and get comfortable with the fact that many men who may seem too good to be true – actually are. Realize that many men will not go through the efforts of proving themselves to you. And that’s fine, you’re okay with that, because those are the men not worth knowing anyway.

I recently read a study that stated that modern day women have to kiss approximately 75 frogs before finding their Prince Charming. Yes, 75, ladies. That’s the harsh reality of modern day dating and mating.

So if 74 frogs leap away from you – know that the 75th is on his way to you.

499 Comments:

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Anonymous said...: Thank you mirror and Anonymous for your feedback to Tammy above.

I will make it my mission from now on to not respond to this character online. He is probably a serial dater with a few other women to keep up with also. He really would not open up at all or explain things in detail - like his trip in Asia. I felt totally cheated and unsatisfied.

I told him about my job in last email which is fraud investigation ... no word from him for 3 days now ... hopefully I scared him off.

Tammy; November 12, 2013 at 10:52 PM
Anonymous said...: I am anonymous, Oct. 7, 12:04. Quick recap: Met the guy online on Sept 19th, he pursued me. Added details: Within the first day of emails, he asked for my phone number within 2-3 emails. Not sure if that is important. Either way, it went from match.com to exchanging phone texts all within a matter of hours.

Things continued to go "well" in my mind. He maintained contact, started calling me "hun" and "babe" here and there. Continued to ask me out for dates early in the week, blah, blah, blah.
Something I THINK I may have done wrong was play up my career too much. I guess I was just trying to come across as an independent career woman who has her stuff together. I probably earn more than he and I travel frequently for it.

We finally had our second date on October 25th. Again, his illness and my schedule prevented us from having more dates.

Prior to 2nd date, we text one night and I apologize for something in a joking manner and say I will make it up to him. That comment turned flirty as he asked "Oh really, how so". I tried to divert it from being sexual and said "I am a classy girl so I won't say any more". He fired back "You must think I am innocent, but I assure you I am not, in a good way". I left it at that. A few days later, we finallly have our 2nd date.

Things go really well, in the beginning. He picks me up, we go have drinks, then dinner. He held my hand, made me feel really special. Was a complete gentleman during date. The alcohol got to me. After dinner he asked what I'd like to do. I say we can call it a night and he can go do whatever. He states he doesn't want the night to end. We get to my house, I invite him in. The inevitable happened. About 15 minutes after the sex, he gets up and says very sweetly "I don't want you to think I am ditching you but I have to get up early to help my dad". For whatever reason, the comment bothered me and I put my wall up and say "It's ok, I am sure I will never hear from you again anyway" (again, alcohol was involved!!). He looks at me all shocked and asks me to elaborate. I explain that I feel like he got what he wanted and it has been fun getting to know him but I just have a "feeling". He assures me that is not the case. I tell him "Ok, but it is what it is. I like you but I don't chase after men." He then left and texted me within an hour. We say good night and I fall asleep. 2 days later, he texts me-on a Monday. We have small chit chat. I tell him I have to get to sleep because I have a flight to catch the next morning for work (this is where I think I played up my job too much, as I had a flight the prior week for work as well, I now kinda feel like I was "bragging" because these flights were linked to new accounts I had won at work. I told him how excited I was to have won the accounts. He congratulated me).

By Wednesday I had not heard from him. So I texted him. 2 hours passed and he had not responded which had never occured before. So, feeling like I had made him mad with the comment I made after sex, I said "Not sure what I did wrong, but you have my number if/when you want to talk". He never replied.

By Friday...nothing. So, I stupidly text an apology to him for my behavior after we slept together, for pushing him away with my comment. I tell him to take care. No response.

2 weeks have passed and not a word from him.

Did I push him away by putting up a wall after we slept together or do you think he was really just after sex?. I felt like he was soooo good to me, and it had only been 5 weeks but I was falling for him. I was truly happy. I should have never drank on the date and maybe I wouldn't have said such stupid things. :(

I never checked his match profile while we were dating, but I did yesterday. He has been active.
And I can assure you the cancelled dates were legitimate.

Any thoughts appreciated.; November 13, 2013 at 9:52 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "Either way, it went from match.com to exchanging phone texts all within a matter of hours."

Way to quick dear. It displays too much availability and "eagerness" and that's something that many men, not all but many, quickly take advantage of - your kindness, eagerness and "willingness" without requiring an investment at proving themselves to you first :-(

"We get to my house, I invite him in. The inevitable happened."

Ugh, I'm sorry dear, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you're asking so. . .once again, too much availability, eagerness and willingness - tends to make women a perfect "victim" for a "hit and run." :-(

"Did I push him away by putting up a wall after we slept together or do you think he was really just after sex?"

I just think everything happened too fast here dear. And when that happens, when men aren't required to "work" at obtaining the situation, they tend to take it for granted and lose interest regretfully. While men behave as if they prefer things easy on themselves, the reality is that they actually think the "chase" is fun. And by "chase" I mean initiating contact, initiating dates, working to get get intimate with you, being required to prove themselves to you prior to that happening, having to hunt you down from time to time (because you don't jump on their communications) - it's the ole' proverbial "play hard to get" that your mother and grandmother probably talked about, LOL ;-) Men consider that fun. Predictable = boring. Unpredictable = fun.

Don't beat yourself up over it. Things that start off hot and light fast, generally burn out quick. So that's to be expected to a point in situations that kinda just "take off" to an extent. I imagine he'll be back someday. But I wouldn't apologize any further or reach out to him again. Let some time sink in here. And if he doesn't come back, then it wasn't meant to be dear. You brush yourself off and move on as best you can and you find a man that wants what you want and that is willing to prove himself to you in order to obtain it :-); November 14, 2013 at 10:28 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,
Thank you so much for dating advice! They are very helpful. I would like to ask you question. I recently use online dating website, never used it before. My first time online dating. I received email from a member and he started sending since the beginning of the month. I give him my personal email and we have been exchanging long emails! Sometimes I feel like he is writing essay, haha. He tells me where he works and stuff. He also tells me where his family lives. He is currently interstate and moving back to my city in next week. We both like football very much and we always discuss about football in our email. He says he couldn't wait to see me when he comes back . He always reply my email in timely manner. We support different teams and when my team win, he would write short email saying that he is happy for my team, etc. I recently went to fooballer meet and greet with fans session and I met with a footballer he supported. I got autograph for him and told about it to him. I haven't received any reply from him yet. It is only a day since I sent him email. I thought as a fellow football lover, he might want that. Now I feel like I should not have done that for him. Do I look desperate by giving to him on first date if we eventually meet up? He told me about his career plans and volunteer activities, etc. We have been exchanging emails more than 2 weeks, but he hasn't asked my number yet. He also hasn't set a date to meet up when he comes back. I DON'T WANT TO INITIATE those. Thanks very much for your advice.; November 16, 2013 at 8:18 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Need your advice. Have struck up email relationship with a guy met on POF. My intention was to meet and start a relationship. We then moved to regular emailing. Firstly, his email address is very obscure: ??_??@...... I am a bit suspect about why it is this way. Most people have a name or at least a nickname.

We have been chatting for several months, mostly about politics, sports, psychology, mythology, etc. It's been very interesting. He asked me for a date but did not show up. The next day he emailed to say he had to leave town. He then lamely said "well maybe next time". I emailed him back about 5 days later (as I was pissed off) to say "I would have appreciated some prior notice". I get no response for almost 3 weeks. Then he replies saying he is overseas. We start emailing very regularly for a week, then he suddenly stops contact again. I admit over the several months I have stopped sending him emails, (as I read your post regularly) so not as to be too available and easily accessible. I honestly do not know this man anymore now than I did when I first started this thing. He is very wary regarding personal information but I keep trying, with little results.

Can you tell me if I made a mistake maybe in not talking in a sexual manner or at least make some innuendos of some sort to keep his interest? I have complemented him several times on his intelligence and wit, that's why I kept up this communication. Do you think this is why his interest started waning? I am not that type of lady, I have much self-respect for myself and would only talk like that to the special man in my life. By the way he has never asked for a photo of me or talked in a sexual tone.

Do you think he just regards me as a penpal friend and nothing more? Help! Thank you.; November 19, 2013 at 12:22 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 19, 2:22 AM,
"Do you think he just regards me as a penpal friend and nothing more?"

Actually dear, it sounds to me as if he's probably a married man. But even more likely, it's probably a fake account, of which there are thousands on dating sites, particularly the free ones and many times, they stem from other countries such as Russia, Nigeria, etc. And some of the red flags for them are:

"his email address is very obscure: ??_??@......"

"He asked me for a date but did not show up."

"I get no response for almost 3 weeks."

"Then he replies saying he is overseas."

"then he suddenly stops contact again."

"I honestly do not know this man anymore now than I did when I first started this thing."

"He is very wary regarding personal information"

"he has never asked for a photo of me"

None of that is the behavior of a legitimate human being that's honestly seeking to connect with others for a potential relationship. There are red flags all over the place unfortunately dear. I think you just need to turn your back on this one as this individual is most likely there for nefarious purposes, probably doesn't even live in the same country, and is most likely operating a fake account :-(

Real people connect in real ways. Through sight (photos, face to face), through speech (talking on the phone, in person), through touch (being with one another in person) and through sharing (personal information). When absolutely none of that is taking place dear, it's a big red flag :-(; November 19, 2013 at 4:30 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Whatever you do when online dating, folks - please DO NOT DO THIS:

http://www.heavy.com/social/2013/11/russian-dating-sites-profile-pictures-funny/

You're not making a good impression on anyone and honestly, many of the female images look like prostitute advertisements. So unless you're a "professional working girl" - steer clear of giving the impression that you're only dating online to show off how well you can perform sex acts on men ;-); November 20, 2013 at 11:41 AM
Gemini50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror and the ladies,

I’m looking for some sista’ help. I am again facing my fears, and going on Match. I signed up last wk w/out my pic and rec’d nothing to mention. So, last night I put a couple pics up and am determined to (try to) leave them there.

I have winks and likes and favorites and ‘canned’ emails this AM. Boring, boring, boring.

I have questions for the ladies here currently on Match:

If I open up an email message from Match, without actually signing on to Match, will Match record my email view as being ON in the “active since” timeframe?

I have shut OFF the auto sign in feature, but it seems that when I go in again, it is changed to ON. Are you finding that, and is it because I have their app downloaded to my cell?

If you edit your profile, is it announced on Match? For example, “So-n-so updated her profile.”

Is there a way to shut off the “online now” status? I found how to shut off the IM function, but not the other.

How are you handling contact from guys that clearly are not in your range of preference? Do you just ignore/delete them?

And are you deleting men that show lazy attempts, or just ignoring? If you delete, does that mean they can no longer see your profile and no longer message to you?

Can you shut off the annoying messages from Match to contact these guys first/respond to their lame actions? I honestly don’t care if a guy winks or likes or favorites me. I won’t respond to any of them without an attempt at a normal message. It may be my age, but the “wink and go” thing creeps me out.

Match promotes participants’ daily activity. Not sure if this is a marketing effort, or advice based on behavioral science. Are you being active daily? Their argument is that if you aren’t active daily, others won’t want to wait for you to respond to them and will move on. Hmmm… really? Sounds good to me… they’ll be doing some filtering work for me! ;-)

Thanks ladies, I appreciate your help.

(hugs!); November 23, 2013 at 9:00 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
Things may have changed but:

"If I open up an email message from Match, without actually signing on to Match, will Match record my email view as being ON in the “active since” timeframe? "

Yes. Any activity on Match, even via your email, is considered "active" I believe (because I believe the email function is able to record an "open" from you.)

"I have shut OFF the auto sign in feature, but it seems that when I go in again, it is changed to ON. Are you finding that, and is it because I have their app downloaded to my cell?"

It's probably the app. Because I believe apps continue to "run" on your cell even when you're not using them, unless you do a "force stop" on it each time.

"If you edit your profile, is it announced on Match? For example, “So-n-so updated her profile.”

Not that I'm aware of.

"Is there a way to shut off the “online now” status?"

I don't believe they provide that option.

"If you delete, does that mean they can no longer see your profile and no longer message to you?"

I don't think so. I think it will just remove them from your search results moving forward (so you don't keep seeing them again and again.) Blocking is the only thing that will keep them from viewing your profile.

"Can you shut off the annoying messages from Match to contact these guys first/respond to their lame actions?"

That may be in your settings, under "notifications" or "receive notifications." I think you can shut them off.

"Not sure if this is a marketing effort, or advice based on behavioral science."

I think that's mainly advice that serves THEM well, LOL. Meaning, it's a known fact that men far out number women there. So they really push women to be very active (even against dating advice that signals otherwise), because they want men to see lots of women active there. They want men to feel they have really good odds of contact from women. So they entice women to be very active.

"Their argument is that if you aren’t active daily, others won’t want to wait for you to respond to them and will move on."

I believe that's simply untrue. Yes, while the lazy ones will move on - due to the limited number of active women on the site, the reality is that these guys circle back around again anyway, LOL. That advice somewhat ticks me off coming from them honestly. Further feeding into women's fears that men will run. . .they'll leave if you don't throw yourself at them. It's like their saying, "C'mon ladies, get em' while they're hot because there's lots of competition here." Making it seem as if there's a shortage of men.

When the reality is that there's actually a shortage of women there. So yet again, it's another mental manipulation marketing tactic they're using to get women on there and active, so that the men there have good experiences and keep their profiles active for a year or more.

Hope that helps! And of course, any of you ladies currently active there can correct me if I'm wrong :-); November 23, 2013 at 11:09 AM
Gemini50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror, thanks, it does help.

I made it past the weekend on M (YAY!), and I'm sure it's because I'm a newbie that I'm getting the number of winks and likes, etc. It is sad, that M is encouraging these lame actions... or maybe it's just me thinking it's lame. Nowhere have I seen a message from M to write anything of content. It's all about winking and liking to let them know you are interested, and to be sure to wink back when one is received. Pleeeeeezzzzze.

I am seeing something interesting as well. A few of the guys that had winked or liked or whatever they are doing on the first night, without a response from me, have sent emails day 3. I opened two of them this AM and cannot tell if they are specific to me, could be, but also could be canned, so, again I don't feel like responding.

With these specific guys (1 step, 2 step), it's kind of feeling like a science project: cause and effect... and it's interesting. I have to wonder when I don't respond to their "I like what you've written in your profile, check out my profile and email me," message, if they will step it up to 3 by writing or asking me something specific from my profile.

No news yet from the one I'd like to hear from... but I'm not pursuing. I thought of removing the "favorite," but that would just be reactionary. I'm just going with the flow and holding on to my Power! ;-); November 25, 2013 at 6:33 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I've been chatting consistently for nearly a week with this guy on-line, he is working away but he let me know the date he is home. I'm happy that he initiates and is consistent and he makes an effort with his emails and tries to get to know me.

My subscription is due to expire tomorrow and I'm not sure if I'm renewing straight away, he has not asked me about meeting up yet but I feel it is building up that way with how it is going. So my question is: is it ok to let him know that my subscription is finishing and give him my telephone number or do I just let him know it is finishing and then he has to ask for my number, or does it not matter either way?? Bearing in mind I've only got a day left :)

thank you; November 26, 2013 at 12:23 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 26, 2:23 PM,
It's okay to let him know your subscription is ending and provide your number along with an invite to CALL you (not text :-); November 27, 2013 at 12:43 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror @Anonymous Nov 26, 2:23 PM,

Thank you for your reply. I'm considering now whether to re-subscribe straight away as although this guy seems good at the moment if we end up having a date and it goes ok but if I don't want to put my eggs in one basket so I re-subscribe and he sees that I'm back online after a date or so then it could look like I'm playing the field. Not that there's anything wrong with that and he could be too but I'm wondering that it maybe better for me to re-subscribe and then can't think anything other than I'm still on my subscription. Also by me finishing my subscription does it psychologically subtley put the pressure on him that he may think that I'm not seeing others.

So I'm wondering whether to keep my cards close to my chest and re-subcribe therefore, not drawing attention to my behaviour on-line as it will be continous.

Also if I do meet him I may not like him, a lot of unknowns so wondering on balance whether to continue with it and re-subscribe.

It's always difficult when you have good dates and want to have more of the impression you give out from either sides by continuing to go on-line, even though it is a given that people maybe multiple dating not everyone likes the idea that you're seeing others and not honouring something budding to see what happens with more dates before you lauch back in the dating pool...

I've had this before with someone else and been torn about going on-line after a couple of good dates and I'm not sure whether it put him off a bit. At the end of the day I think we women may have more than one man on the go to cover ourselves and not put the eggs in one basket syndrome to not get fingers burnt but when a man multiple dates or chats with women I think a large percentage of the time he could well be a player. But the trouble is when the nice ones see you still on-line I think they could think you are a player also which is not the case...

What do you think??

Thank you; November 27, 2013 at 1:38 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks so much for your helpful dating advice, mirror. I moved on from the 3 Taurus chatters who initiate and respond quickly but have not made any move beyond texting. Feels good.

Now I have a situation with a Gemini guy; he wrote me 2 months ago, but I decided to reply recently because I wanted someone nice for a change (I didn't reply earlier because his email was long and he seemed too nice).

Some things he mentioned in our recent email correspondence:

- it's difficult to form genuine connections on Okcupid because the women all seem to be looking for flings
- he's been on the site for a year, says he's hopeful because his friends found their partners online
- he is sometimes confused what women are looking for
- he's a traditional guy
- he asked me about my dating experiences, and I said I preferred paid sites because the men were more sincere, and open about their intentions. he replied saying that maybe he should check out paid sites.
- says he's definitely not looking for something casual but making friends on the site is good too
- he asked me out to drinks

I'm confused because it sounds like he friendzoned me. He does not write to me like I'm a potential romantic partner (more as a friend) - yet he asked me out to drinks instead of coffee.

I sort of get the impression that he IS looking for something casual (gut feeling), but then he says he's traditional, wants a genuine connection, is hopeful, etc.

I want a nice guy who's easy to read, and wouldn't mess up my emotions like Libra guy did, but now I'm just as confused! He doesn't seem like a player, nor does he come across as insecure, though.

Mirror, what are your impressions of this guy? Something doesn't really add up.

- Vivian; November 27, 2013 at 2:04 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 26, 2:23 PM,
"Also by me finishing my subscription does it psychologically subtley put the pressure on him that he may think that I'm not seeing others."

If you dropped your subscription for him, then don't do that, don't drop a subscription for a man. Not until that man has asked you for a commitment. NEVER signal that you're committing to a man prior to him asking for that. If you do that, you increase your chances of him bumping you into the "take for granted" category rather quickly. Because once these men online think they have you, right where they want you, lots of them begin to act up and take advantage of that.

So if you still have a subscription, get back online and use it. If you subscription ended naturally and expired, and you still wish to date and meet others, then by all means get back online. Do not sit and wait for one man who may or may not step forward. Don't put your life on hold like that. Don't "give" things like that (commitment) to men who are not "giving" you anything in return (the same commitment).

"Also if I do meet him I may not like him, a lot of unknowns so wondering on balance whether to continue with it and re-subscribe."

Exactly. Don't bank on this one man as if it'll all work out - because you don't know that yet.

"not everyone likes the idea that you're seeing others and not honouring something budding to see what happens with more dates before you lauch back in the dating pool..."

True, but if a man doesn't like the idea of that dear - the HE will ask YOU for a commitment. If he doesn't do that, then you have no commitment - period. And you're free to do as you please. You've never even met this man. He's never even phoned you, you've never even spoken. He's a complete and total stranger at this point and you have no obligation here to him whatsoever.

"But the trouble is when the nice ones see you still on-line I think they could think you are a player also which is not the case... What do you think??"

The nice ones see you online dear - because THEY ARE ONLINE as well, LOL. So where's the fault in that? People who are dating online, are going to be online - dating. That's the nature of the beast, that's how it goes. And one date, even two or three dates, with a man, does NOT signal a commitment. Which is why you do not sleep with these men early on. You don't do that until there IS a commitment or at least the request of you both getting offline and dating exclusively to see where it may lead.

When dating online, it's a given that everyone is - dating. That's what everyone is there to do. And that's why I suggest that women "casually" date there (no sex). Because nothing is a guarantee. The only thing that is a guarantee, is that everyone there is talking to and dating others as well - until a commitment request is made.

Dating online takes some "stones" dear. It's not for the faint of heart. You have to remain somewhat detached when dating online (which is why you do not sleep with these men) to protect yourself and your emotions from the realities that exist there. And those realities are that everyone is there - dating.

So if a guy who is online see you online as well, so be it. How can he be upset with you for something that he, himself, is also doing - which is going online. If the man is upset about that, then he can take down his profile and ask you to do the same. But until that happens - you don't do that. You keep your options open, you keep talking to others and you casually date men to see if you click with any of them. You do not sleep with them, you simply date them to get to know them better.

That's what online dating is all about dear. Exploring your options, meeting others, getting to know them and seeing if anything clicks :-); November 28, 2013 at 10:46 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vivian,
"it's difficult to form genuine connections on Okcupid because the women all seem to be looking for flings"

VERY TRUE. I've said it before and I'll say it again - those free dating sites are chalk FULL of players, both men and women, simply seeking sexual affairs. People who want real relationships are willing to pay for the privilege of finding one. The players, male and female, who are simply seeking "situations" are not willing to pay for them. So if you're a good woman seeking a real relationship - a free dating site will only hugely decrease the odds of actually finding that.

"he's hopeful because his friends found their partners online"

Free or paid sites? And by "partner" does he mean a real relationship - or a "friends with benefits" situation? Because those are each two very different things.

"he is sometimes confused what women are looking for"

That's because he's probably bumping into a lot of "kooky" women on that free site, LOL ;-)

"I'm confused because it sounds like he friendzoned me. He does not write to me like I'm a potential romantic partner (more as a friend) - yet he asked me out to drinks instead of coffee."

Okay, bear with me a bit here. I mean you no disrespect dear, and we've touched on this before, but I honestly think you're used to (and attracted to) - players dear, LOL ;-) Good ole' bad boys.

You even said this, "I didn't reply earlier because his email was long and he seemed too nice."

So when a guy is really nice - you pass him over, LOL?? When a man is very open with you and sharing and communicating by elaborating and letting you into his world - you pass him over, LOL?? You prefer short, vague, communications from men who are shady about sharing - and you like them err. . ."not so nice?" LOL ;-) Get what I'm saying here dear?

This guy is going about this, about dating, as men SHOULD be. He's approaching it via a friends first stance, which is actually the way most long lasting relationships begin. It's a known proven statistical fact that couples who develop a friendship first - have significantly higher chances of entering into a long term committed relationship. Because when the passion wears off and the shine is gone - in the end - the tie that truly binds is your friendship to one another. When you're old and wrinkled and your looks have faded, you want to be in a rocker next to someone - you actually LIKE as an INDIVIDUAL. Someone who is your best friend, someone who knows you well, someone you can still carry a conversation with.

So it makes perfect sense to begin that journey together by approaching it via friends first :-)

Cont. . .; November 28, 2013 at 11:19 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: But I think you're somewhat addicted to those lustful fleeting feelings of passion. Things that take off quick, men who move quick and men who rouse those passions in you. But the thing is, situations that start off like that, that start off fast and hot. . . .ultimately burn out just as fast. Those types of lustful, purely passionate relationships are often confused for "feelings" that are genuine. When people feel butterflies, they confuse it with love. Instead of seeing it for what it is. And the reality of what those butterfly feelings generally actually are is simply - LUST. Purely SEXUAL, fleeting, short-lived, and often over within 1 -3 months.

"I sort of get the impression that he IS looking for something casual (gut feeling), but then he says he's traditional, wants a genuine connection, is hopeful, etc."

That's because I think you kind of expect men who want relationships to "pounce" on you with passion and drive. I think you may associate that with a real connection. When the reality is that most long term relationships don't begin that way. Most long term relationships start off slowly. They move from friendship, into compassion, into coupling, into passion and then into love.

I think you may be used to dealing with players who skip those first few natural steps and move right into the passion phase. They're like love addicts chasing that high. And once they've satiated themselves, it's usually over.

Real relationships dear, generally start off as I said, slowly - moving naturally and organically from one level to the next - in a slow buildup. . .instead of that "hit the ground running" race to the finish line, ya' know?

"He doesn't seem like a player, nor does he come across as insecure, though."

Well, that may be because he's a different breed dear, one that you're not used to dealing with - a gentleman, LOL ;-)

Gentlemen always start off slowly. They're wise enough to know that that's the best way to win a woman's trust and build something real. They don't get pushy, they remain respectful. They're not pushovers, but they're not pushy either. They don't pounce and they don't race - they walk at a slow, steady pace (out of respect for the woman) so that she can build trust in him. They don't push boundaries and yes, they're big on tradition and respectful ways of eras gone by.

"Mirror, what are your impressions of this guy? Something doesn't really add up."

LOL, I'm not laughing at you dear, I'm laughing with you. I want you to loosen up here and see this for what it is. Because what this is - is the way things SHOULD be done. It's just that you're not used to this is all, so it's perplexing you ;-)

This guy's not a bullshitter dear. He's not trying to blow smoke up your butt about how wonderful he is, how hot you are, how attracted to you he is, how happy you will be together - all that crap that players throw out there right from the word "go."

Cont. . .; November 28, 2013 at 11:20 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Instead, he's being very open and honest and forthright. He's not making any false promises here, he's not bullshitting his way towards you, he's not coming on strong, he's not racing towards the finish line and hoping to get there by filling your head full of "visions of sugarplums dancing" LOL. He's being real, he's making no promises and he's giving you no guarantees - all of which is the way it SHOULD be. He doesn't know if you'll click and he's not trying to manipulate you into believing you will. He's taking this one step at a time and being very realistic about it.

I think your confusion stems from the fact that you're used to the exact opposite - the guy that races in, blows smoke, makes tons of false promises and plants lots of glorious visions of the future in your head, whether it's true or not. That behavior from a man dear is actually a red flag.

This behavior from this man - is actually very realistic and the way it should be. No false promises, no guarantees, no false illusions, no manipulation - just very real :-)

And that's probably why he's having no luck on OKCupid. Because he's not the "type" of guy that will do well there - he's not looking for fling, so women are not coming onto him strong for one.; November 28, 2013 at 11:20 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, @Anonymous Nov 26, 2:23 PM

Thank you for the advice re: subscribing etc. My subscription is about to come to a natural end so I'm going to re-subscribe and not say anything about it to him. I don't want to put my eggs in one basket and like you said i don't know what's going to happen yet. Thanks for putting it all into perspective and we need reminding a lot of the time :) so it is crystal clear.

Interesting I was just reading your reply to Vivian about men who come on all saying you're hot
'This guy's not a bullshitter dear. He's not trying to blow smoke up your butt about how wonderful he is, how hot you are, how attracted to you he is, how happy you will be together - all that crap that players throw out there right from the word "go."

not the guy that my query was about but I've noticed with others this behaviour of saying how hot you are etc. some of them just say that, some of them say that and write a decent email as well and some men send ridiculously short e-mails like I had one that asked me 'Plans tonight?' LOL.

So most of the above I can be confident that writing them off is the right thing to do :) What about if someone compliments you visually and adds a bit depth to an email would it be ok to reply to them or does it still indicate a player? I suppose it depends what they put really but I agree the above behaviour in your quote is rife on POF but I'm having a few incidents on Match as well.

Thank you; November 28, 2013 at 1:41 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,

I have someone who has been consistently e-mailing me nearly everyday for just over a week now, however, one occasion we were mid chat and he didn't get back to me til the next day and he didn't answer my question which is no big deal. However, on another occasion now it was my turn to respond back to him and I asked him a question as well (by the way I don't always ask questions in my emails) no biggie just casual chat, he didn't get back to me on the same day or the night after and I'm wondering whether I should be thinking that there is something wrong or not?

I know this doesn't sound like a massive deal, I've not met the guy yet but my question is here should I be seeing a red flag or do I need to keep my expectations in check in terms of the frequency of his communication and response behaviour??

So is it alright for him to briefly ignore an e-mail (meaning a question I ask) and then come back with an fresh email a day or so later and not address the question or give a sorry I was etc etc? I know he's briefly been on-line. When he did this I just mirrored the time he had delayed to get back to me. I mean we've had a lot of communication within a week, so it's difficult for me to decipher if I should be suspicious of this as a potential red flag or whether I'm being ridiculous expecting too much and maybe on hyper-alert for disappearance, disrespectful ignorant behaviour?

He's back next week, so there is only so much you can say and need to say before you meet and I'm wondering whether he's just relaxing off the communication and whether it will step up soon regarding a meeting. So far it has sounded indirectly with things said that we will meet in person but it's not actually been said as such yet.

I'm not even sure if this is a mini-test to see how I respond to his pulling back if it is a pulling back or if it is rude behaviour? In some early e-mails he has said twice if I don't get back to you straight away it's because of... or that he's going to bed (as hours in front) so he has seemed considerate on previous occasions.

You'd think though as he's been on-line briefly today that he would have got back to me then.

So I really don't know but I know time will tell and I just wondered what you thought about it??

Thank you; November 28, 2013 at 5:28 PM
Anonymous said...: hi mirror ,
I met this online guy and we really connected and he was calling and emailing and then suddenly poof he is gone and no contact from him in days and I have not contacted him either and from what im reading here he sounds like a player . Im wondering should i move on or just maintain my no contact rule with him ? it was only 6 days we were talking .wondering what I should do ?; November 29, 2013 at 6:36 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 29, 6:36 AM,
You don't need to "do" anything dear. If he wants you, he knows where to find you.

All you need to do is keep moving forward, keep meeting others, keep dating and keep living your life :-); November 29, 2013 at 12:16 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 28, 5:28 PM,
"he didn't get back to me on the same day or the night after and I'm wondering whether I should be thinking that there is something wrong or not?"

Well, it's not that there's something wrong - it's that this is how online dating is dear. It's not for the feint of heart because stuff like this is par for the course on those sites. Many men are there seeking something easy and when a woman doesn't jump right into their lap for a quick fling, they label her "high maintenance" because she wants a little respect, LOL - and they disappear, seeking the next victim so-to-speak.

So when a guy behaves inconsistent like that - it's always a red flag dear.

Characteristics you want to see in a man that signal he's relationship "ready" and mature enough to do the work required to maintain one are:

Consistency
Reliability
Respect
Honesty
Integrity
Assertiveness (initiating forward motion)

Anything short of that is really a waste of your time. Particularly online. If you use those things above as guidelines, it becomes very easy to pass on lots of men online in the blink of an eye as they give themselves away too easily as lazy, player types of men.

"So is it alright for him to briefly ignore an e-mail (meaning a question I ask) and then come back with an fresh email a day or so later and not address the question or give a sorry I was etc etc?"

I believe it's okay to take a day or so to respond. But the part about not continuing where the conversation left off and not answering questions or being vague - is a red flag. It signals that he's probably talking to lots of women and has no clue where the conversation left off and doesn't bother to take the time to re-read the last communication and respond clearly. So yes, that part is a red flag to me online.

"I'm wondering whether he's just relaxing off the communication and whether it will step up soon regarding a meeting. So far it has sounded indirectly with things said that we will meet in person but it's not actually been said as such yet."

ACTIONS dear, not WORDS when it comes to men - ignore the words, focus on the actions only. If the man isn't taking any action, you don't dwell on him or wonder what his next move is. You keep moving forward talking to others and dating others and if he wants you, he knows where to find you :-)

Toughen up a bit hun - dating online is a real ride, LOL. You'll see and meet all kinds there. But you only give your time and attention to the one's that are doing the same for you. Again, consistency, reliability, integrity, honesty, respect - those types of qualities are the signs of a good man :-); November 29, 2013 at 12:27 PM
Anonymous said...: wow I made so many mistakes and I dont know if Im willing to try again ...wow after hearing some of these I thought I ran into a bad one . well met a 50+ guy on the net and he called but he started with giving me his phone number in the 2nd email another mistake . well I dont know if I will stay with the net or not but hey after hearing these stories wow . the 50 + has not called and has not emailed since guess he ran off when he figured I would not do the nasty with him and he also called me sweetheart and we had not even met big mistake as well wow I wish I had read all of this before i talked to him .Do they always reappear ? I will do the three day no contact rule if he does ...but wow just wow and if he does not come back well then I dodged a bullet thank god .; November 29, 2013 at 7:42 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror.

I have this email relationship online with a guy, its been for several months now. At first I thought it would be intriguing to meet someone this way. However, as time as gone by I am becoming more and more dissatisfied with his pattern of communications. He will communicate with me for a week at a time, then just disappear with no explanation for 2 weeks and reappear, not really saying too much in his emails.

I never get asked personal questions and I wonder why he is even bothering with this. To me it is a big waste of my time. I have other men who are sending me responses on a paid dating site and they actually seem normal. Can you tell me why guys do this? Email for months on end, not really saying much in their emails? He hasn't even asked me out for a date yet or even for my phone number. Do you think he was playing a game?

I suggested once we exchange our "regular" email address, rather than communicate through the dating site website and he never answered my question.

I have deleted all the emails I kept of our exchanges. I have decided today that if he does reply to the last one I sent, I will simply press DELETE so that I can never respond to him again.

I deserve so much better than this twit who has wasted my time. Unfortunately I allowed it which was my mistake.

Thank you. Linda; November 30, 2013 at 12:03 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Linda,
When something stinks, it's usually rotten :-(

His behavior is shady at best. And when behavior is shady and avoidant, a red flag should raise. Also, when things are stagnant and not moving forward, it's time to bail before getting sucked into a vortex that could end up being two years of waiting.

This guy could be married, he could have a live-in girlfriend, he could be seeking a pen pal, he could be a con man - or he can simply be a man that has no idea what he wants or how to go about getting it. Bottom line, there's no real way of knowing. But that doesn't matter. Because what you DO KNOW, is that this behavior simply isn't right. Something is not quite right here - and that's all that matters. That's all you need to know to make an informed decision right now.

Listen to your gut. If it doesn't feel right, that's because it probably isn't (on some level).

And also, there's this new trend now and men call it "e-maintaining" a woman:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/men-who-emaintain-women-t_b_1016496.html

It's common nowadays for men to use this tactic to keep a woman around as a potential sexual option in this manner. They get to be a bit lazy, while still maintaining a connection with the woman. And then, when the mood strikes or the opportunity presents itself, all they have to do is pick up the phone, set the date and bam - the woman they've been emaintaining for months is right there, in a snap.

I agree, you're best to hit the delete button on this one and move on. And don't suffer through any lame explanations he provides for this behavior either. There's really no excuse for it. You're either interested enough to meet someone or you're not. It's like being pregnant - you either are or you aren't, you can't be a little bit pregnant. And if a guy is a little bit interested, you don't want to invest any time into him anyway. A man has to be interested, definitely interested, and make the move to meet. Simple as that.

You give your attention to those giving theirs back to you. The rest can go pound salt - or apply for a pen pal :-); November 30, 2013 at 8:25 AM
Anonymous said...: H Mirror @Anonymous Nov 28, 5:28 PM,

Thanks for your response I will take on board what you have said. It's just really difficult as I've had lots of emails off guys over complimenting you and not saying much else or putting in an effort, so I've not got into conversations with them but with this one he was making a real effort with his emails and trying to get to know me and everything seemed really promising until now he's pulled back for some reason. He seemed quite down to earth and we communicated quite a lot within a week so I just don't understand :( even if he is like you say communicating with other women the communication I've had with him (not particularly what he's said) but his consistency and reliability up to now gave me the impression that he was genuinely interested. I just don't understand.

I don't want to put my eggs in this one basket with this man but the other men that are emailing are not presenting with worthy baskets :(; November 30, 2013 at 1:47 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Thanks for being straight up with me! You're like someone who points out what's in my blind spots, so I don't drive down into a ditch in the middle of nowhere, LOL.

"Free or paid sites? And by "partner" does he mean a real relationship - or a "friends with benefits" situation?"

Actually I quoted him incorrectly; he wrote "significant other," so I believe he meant that his friends found real relationships on the free dating sites.

I'm attracted to men who pursue - and verbalize how they feel about me. Sometimes players exhibit this behavior, and sometimes non-players do (like my last Virgo ex whom I dated for 8 months). I'm more comfortable with that let's-make-something-happen energy.

In the past couple of days, I've been feeling so anxious (a different kind of anxiety than what I felt with Libra Guy).

I feel a lot of space because we aren't communicating openly, and he's not all up in my face. He's polite and friendly, but not really open in the way I like (I like it when a guy reveals something deep about himself).

Even though Libra Guy also created a lot of space by taking his time to respond, I knew he was interested because he was very open about it.

After Nice Gemini Guy asked me out to drinks, I said sure, and suggested this Friday as it looks like I'll be available that day. He then said Friday was great, wanted to exchange numbers, and gave his.

I sent mine, and now I don't know what he's doing next. A passionate guy would have called already, or moved to a chat messenger/text to work out the details of the date (where and when). I'm also freaking out that he's going to suggest a pub rather than a lounge or bar.

I can feel myself preparing to sabotage this whole thing, or hoping he'd flake on me.

I'm totally out of my comfort zone right now. :-(

The other thing is - he's not as clever, witty, and smart as my last ex. There's a part of me that doesn't quite enjoy talking to him...and going on this date is giving me massive pressure.

*takes a deep breath*

Okay, I will read your comments until it really sinks in. And loosen up. Even though I'm really freaking out and in panic mode.

I really appreciate your guidance - thank you a million...I will update you if the date happens!

- Vivian; December 4, 2013 at 1:41 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vivian,
Honey, you've made a lot of assumptions about this man before even meeting him. I'm not asking you to marry this man, I'm only asking that you at least meet him, give him a chance, and get to know him a bit - before deciding he can't make you happy, LOL ;-)

"I'm totally out of my comfort zone right now."

They say that's where the magic happens dear :-)

"I feel a lot of space because we aren't communicating openly, and he's not all up in my face. He's polite and friendly, but not really open in the way I like (I like it when a guy reveals something deep about himself)."

Try to control your expectations, because you never know, this guy might surprise you - once HE is comfortable with this. Just because a guy is up in your face doesn't mean he's a nice guy or he's relationship ready or he's mature. Many times, moving too quick is actually a red flag, LOL ;-) Things that start off fast and hot. . .tend to burn out just as quick. Because it's the "high" that's chased, not the relationship. And once the high is gone, so is the relationship, ya' know?

You've never met this man yet nor he you. Once people are comfortable, that's when they begin to slowly reveal themselves and share themselves with one another honestly. Prior to that it can just be a lot of hype to feed into your emotions to suck you in. And then the date actually happens and it's like, "That's it?" All this talk, all this hype, all that stuff you said - and that's it? LOL ;-)

"I sent mine, and now I don't know what he's doing next."

You don't have to do anything dear - except answer that call/text when it comes in and arrange the date. If he flakes and fails to do so, then you simply keep moving forward.

"I'm also freaking out that he's going to suggest a pub rather than a lounge or bar."

You can always make a suggestion as well if he asks you to join him somewhere you're not comfortable. If that happens you can always say, "Well I was thinking we could go to_____. Would that be okay, are you open to that?" And if he's a gentleman, he will be.

"The other thing is - he's not as clever, witty, and smart as my last ex. There's a part of me that doesn't quite enjoy talking to him...and going on this date is giving me massive pressure."

You haven't even spoken to him yet dear. You have no clue whether he's clever, witty or smart yet. He's simply not comfortable being that way electronically via email and lots of genuine people aren't - virtual stuff can feel very fake to a lot of people so they save themselves for real genuine face to face situations.

This is still the very early stages here dear, and you're ready to write off a man that's done absolutely nothing wrong - before you've even met him and simply because he lacks the bravado and hype that you're used to. And I must warn you dear, if you're drawn to the bravado and hype, you're going to encounter a lot of players, particularly online. Men who reel you in quick, build you up fast - and then disappear 3 months later without a word. Because that type of personality generally usually accompanies men with hefty egos, a sense of entitlement, over-confidence and selfishness. So if you're drawn to that, you're going to find yourself surrounded by a lot of those personality types. And yea, you may find a good man with some of those very aggressive assertive traits, but you're going to have to sift through 30 players to first before you reach him, ya' know?

Just try to relax, it's only one date dear, it's not a marriage proposal. And if this man doesn't impress you on that date and/or attempt to make you happy - then you simply keep moving forward, it's not the end of the world :-); December 4, 2013 at 8:59 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror,

What do you think about a man that tells you that he likes to be the one in control in his relationships and yes he did do a disappearing act. I met this man and this is exactly what he told me. UMMM control freak much!!!!!!!!!!!!! What is his deal? What I do know about him is that he is fairly wealthy and attractive ( to me anyways), his parents are divorced mom raised him because his dad was too busy jumping from woman to woman and had in total 6 kids with 5 different women. I know he has issues but please break it down Mirror.

Thanks!

J; December 4, 2013 at 1:41 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @J,
Well, it's really not that complicated dear. People tend to repeat their past traumas, whether they're aware of it or not. And the influence of parental behavior can and does affect the child's behavior as an adult, again, whether they're aware of it or not. (It happened with my ex, who is exactly like his father when it comes to relationships. But if you point this out to him, he denies it.)

"What do you think about a man that tells you that he likes to be the one in control in his relationships and yes he did do a disappearing act."

I think that's a man that's not cut out for relationships dear. He's not relationship material. Because relationships require things to make them work. And some of those requirements are:

1) A willingness to compromise yourself at times for your significant other.
2) A willingness to do what it takes to make your significant other happy.
3) The ability to be flexible and adaptable.
4) Understanding
5) Compassion
6) Sacrifice

All of those items I've listed above are necessary for a relationship to work - and this man has none of those traits. As a result, he's not relationship material.

"his dad was too busy jumping from woman to woman and had in total 6 kids with 5 different women."

Sounds to me like. . .he's living along the same lines that his father lived, whether he realizes it or not. And it appears that he fears being hurt and/or abandoned. To overcompensate for that fearful insecurity - he attempts to maintain control.

He could not control the abandonment that happened to him as a child, so as an adult, he overcompensates for that - by being a control freak.; December 4, 2013 at 3:45 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror ,
I was talking to a guy and it was all new and he asked what I was doing for christmas and I said nothing and he asked if I would like to come down and visit because he wont have any time off for christmas . Well I left a msg on his voice mail saying that I needed a name of a nice hotel that I could stay at , did I tell him right then and there through my words that I would not sleep with him ? because I never heard from him again . Yep a houdini ...just wondering . Im not planning on contacting him either , I m living my life and working Im just wondering if what I said made him do the disappearing act and if so , so be it ...I was just curious . thanks and love ya mirror .; December 4, 2013 at 4:38 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous December 4, 4:38PM,
Well, if it did dear and that sent him away - be thankful for that. Otherwise, he'd have used you and disappeared afterwards anyway.

And remember this - NEVER, and I mean NEVER, start a relationship or dating situation off - by being the one to travel to the man. If you do that, it will be YOU, always, putting yourself out for him. If you start that way, it'll be that way from day one.

Additionally, don't signal that you've got nothing going on. Men, particularly men dating online, take that as, "Oh she's got no one else in the picture and no friends, so she'll be available to me whenever I want for as a last minute resort." Signaling that to them can send, combined with a willingness to travel to THEM for the first few dates. . .can quickly send you into "taken for granted" territory - QUICK.

Chances are, with the attitude he has thinking he can just snap his fingers and summon a woman to travel to HIM at HIS CONVENIENCE. . .he was most likely a player anyway. Some guy being lazy and seeking something easy that he doesn't have to lift a finger for.

Pass on that dear, you deserve better - and it's not at all an impressive first date request from him. Turn down lame date requests that make YOU do all of the work. Only accept the ones where the man is willing to - be a real man :-); December 4, 2013 at 4:47 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror and all,
Update re: online experience. I signed up 2 wks after GF signed up -- and after we went thru 750 pics (not so many profiles) I saw 1 man that I wanted to meet (yes, 1 out of 750 ugh!): Logger. During the first week, I didn’t post my pic, but I “favorited” Logger, then I worried that it would be considered pursuing. No action from him, he hadn’t been on in ‘less than 2 weeks.’ Then I went on and saw he had been on. So I decide to post some pics and delete the “favorite.” I figured he wouldn’t see any of my action. (I hoped)

But now he hasn’t been on again in ‘less than 3 weeks.’ He showed up in my daily selection a few days ago and I freaked! I thought, “What do I do? If I say Yes, to the ‘I’m interested’ question, is that pursuing? If I hit No, does that say I am not interested????"

So, I hit Yes, and there it sits. lol Thinking about this guy drives me nuts. I read a book he listed that he recently read, and I LOVED IT. I really just want to sit across a table from him drinking a hot cup of coffee and talk with him. To see if he shows any signs of being the man he says he is in his profile, or just another ‘b-s whatever.’

Today on the way to work I had a thought, that I’m not going to act on, but shows where my silly head is at: I thought I’d send him a message about the book. Tell him I really liked it and ask if he can recommend another similar to it. (Then I bonked myself in the head! That is NOT the new smarter me!!) I am still laughing at myself as I type it. Just ridiculous.

In the meantime, I haven’t responded to the winks or likes on the site – that action from a man just doesn’t interest me. I’ve had a couple of normal emails, but both men did not fit my height requirement. I know it sounds shallow, but I’m being honest with what I want, a tall man is important to me.

I am now just starting to communicate with a third man. He initiated with a casual email, made a comment about something I wrote, and I was casual in my response to him. He took 2 days to respond, and I did the same.

It is surprising to me how the first two guys asked to meet in their first email, and #3 asked in his second. The first two I declined nicely, (the 2nd guy said it was the nicest rejection letter he’d received, the 1st didn't respond), so when #3 asked if I’d like to go out for a bite to eat or drinks, I responded last night with, “Well, why don’t you tell me a little bit about yourself,” and commented on something from his profile.

First thing this AM, I had a response but didn't open it until tonight. He's still being casual, all surface stuff -- and I responded the same. Actually he hypothesized what I'd want to know, and in my response I mirrored him, saying, "what would I want to know? And asked some pretty silly questions: Ever been convicted of a violent crime? Are you in a gang? What's your real name/alias? and lastly, do you know karate."

If he doesn't have a sense of humor, he's going to think I'm a nut case. lol (and I don't care!) ;-)

I’ve had two GF’s who’ve done/are doing M, and they immediately jump(ed) on any man showing the slightest interest. I am not jumping… I’d like a man in my life to share life with and contribute happiness towards each other -- I don’t need one to have a happy life. And any man that I allow into my life again is going to have to prove himself first.

It’s all very interesting. I still hate having my mug-shot out there, it’s still very, very uncomfortable to see that ticker tape of views continue to grow each time I log on – 850+ in 4 weeks… doesn’t sound right. When I look at the men that have viewed my profile, some of them look like axe murderers or worse, and I want to bale, instead I log off and breath.

I’m still hoping for Logger to make a connection…. I just want to meet and have a chat – just to see. ;-); December 4, 2013 at 8:37 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
Don't take logger logging onto the site and not noticing you favorited him personally. I think what's happened there is - his subscription is no longer active :-(

When your subscription is no longer active, you can still log onto the site and/or open an email communication from the site itself, like a promotional offer to resubscribe, and it'll show you as active and let you onto the site - but you can no longer see anything. No emails, can't see who's seen your profile, can't see who's favorited you, winked at you, nothing. So chances are, his subscription expired and right now, he can't see any activity.

It always amazed me too how fast these guys online moved with the invites to meet being dumped into your lap before even saying, "Hi my name is Bob, what's yours?" They want to meet you and they don't even care what your name is LOL - it's nuts. And women who jump on those proposals are even crazier. Nine times out of ten, those are the pros there. They've been dating like that for years and they're seeking the very vulnerable and lonely. And they know that the ones that bite on a very anonymous invitation like that from a total stranger before even asking your name. . .are the very vulnerable lonely ones that tend to settle for crap treatment. It's like separating the weak from the pack, unfortunately, and lots of men that date online become very adept at that.

But you never know dear, you just never know. Remain open to good men only. . .and you never know what can happen :-); December 5, 2013 at 8:03 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks for answering my question, I to came to that conclusion that he feared abandonment therefore tries to control the situation. He also admitted to me that he does get jealous and I asked him why he said I don't know but I do not like anyone looking at my GF. That confirmed my suspicions of major insecurity issues there. I too felt that he was not ready for a relationship but wanted to keep me there waiting for him for when he was ready. I am ready for a serious relationship ( that could be part of the reason why he disappeared even though he stated he was) so its back to dating for me and I have not heard from him in 4 months but I'm okay with it because he seemed to be somewhat unsure of what he wanted. And like you said Mirror " Never treat someone like your priority while they treat you like an option".

J; December 5, 2013 at 10:38 AM
Anonymous said...: Another thing Mirror. I also noticed that he had a tendency of keeping me at a distance, like he had a wall up and did not want to get too close. He said he cared for me but I felt that he had a wall up and didn't want to talk about himself personally yet he wanted to get to know the real me. It's almost as if he liked me and wanted to get closer to me and have a relationship but when some of those feelings of vulnerability came out he was like I have to shut this down its getting to close. And after a couple of months he POOFED.

J; December 5, 2013 at 11:29 AM
Gemini50 said...: Thanks Ms. Mirror,
I hadn't thought that Logger's subscription ended, just figured he was busy with others. He did change his online title. Who knows how this whole M thing works in regards to what you can/can't do without paying... but I'm staying on it to see. ;-)

With a message last night, #3 (I haven't figured out a nickname for him yet) sent me his phone number last night to call if I'd like to talk.

Nope. Not biting. I included my number in my response to him tonight. And I'm trying not to judge yet. He's very low-key, not giving much up about himself, isn't asking me too much about myself. Only 3 emails from each of us back/forth, so still to early to tell... My first objective is to try to make sure I will be safe when meeting a guy, and then take it from there. It seems we are both just feeling each other out... that is, after I held back from his invite to meet. It's all good. I'm open to meeting the right man for me... and working at enjoying life along the way.

thx again dear, I know I wouldn't be this strong a woman in this dating scene without the knowledge you have shared. ;-); December 5, 2013 at 9:06 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I started an online relationship several months back with this guy who always had a big wall up about himself.
By that I mean, he just didn't share anything personal, just surface stuff (which I can understand being online and everything). But after a month or two of talking he still would not open up at all.

I did not express very personal things to him because I felt it had to be a mutual thing which is when the trust would develop. I would ask a tiny big more personal questions and he would just not answer (ignore the question). The entire relationship, if you could call it one, was very hollow and unsatisfying for me. I wasted my time and the feeling become more frequent. My gut said something was not right. He replied to my recent email with a very glib answer to a problem I asked him about. He always asked me to send him things to try and help me work out - i.e. regarding work. The comment was rude. I got a very bad vibe this time.

Just recently I sent him an email stating that "it is time for both of us to move on, I do not like the vibe I am getting from you" He simply replied with a nonchalant "i feel the same, Ciao", very small capital i there too For me there was an emotional connection to this person and for him to simply send something like that in return, I cannot believe how cold he was. It sounded like he could not have cared less.

What do you think? I meant nothing at all to this character? How can be avoid becoming emotionally involved online like this?

Thank you!; December 6, 2013 at 10:09 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 6,10:09 PM,
"But after a month or two of talking he still would not open up at all."

Talking how dear - on the phone? Or simply via email? If this man didn't move from email to the phone in a two month period. . .that's a red flag dear.

"My gut said something was not right."

Exactly.

"The comment was rude. I got a very bad vibe this time."

Another red flag dear - pull away from this man.

"For me there was an emotional connection to this person and for him to simply send something like that in return, I cannot believe how cold he was. . .How can be avoid becoming emotionally involved online like this?"

It's very easy to remain emotionally detached online in the virtual world dear - because there's no real life situation to form an emotional connection in. It's literally a "virtual" world, a "virtual" situation. And the definition of virtual is:

"Existing or resulting in essence or effect though not in actual fact, form, or name. Existing in the mind, especially as a product of the imagination."

Something virtual does not exist in FACT. It only exists in it's essence, in the imagination, and not in the material world. And when that's the reality of the situation you're dealing with someone in, and you're not dealing with them in the real world - you MUST remain detached to protect yourself dear. Because you have no idea who this individual truly is. They could be telling you all kinds of things, untrue things, and selling them to you as fact and you have no way of proving or disproving if what they're feeding you is true or not. As a result of all of the uncertainty that exists in a situation like that, you can't take it too seriously until it becomes - REAL. Until it starts to actually manifest into your real world (moving from online to offline in real life).

Very few men are going to make an emotional connection in a strictly virtual situation (meaning no telephone calls, no seeing each other, spending time, etc.) Because it's easy to remain detached in a virtual situation. So when a man keeps it virtual and does not move it to real life after a considerable amount of time, it's a red flag dear that he's remaining detached, not connecting and has no intentions of doing so :-(

When dating online dear, you have to have your guard up - way up. Because there are imposters there, con men, criminals, users, liars, gold diggers (yes, men dig for gold too nowadays), game players. . .and you have to really filter and sort through those types to get to the minority of good people there (male or female). Basically dear, you cannot take every single person you meet online seriously - until they PROVE to you that they're serious, and that they're real. You must put filters in place to weed through the nefarious types online and protect yourself from them.; December 7, 2013 at 8:48 AM
Gemini50 said...: @Ms. Mirror, (1 of 2)

Asking your advice with #3 (I’ll name him Plumber; as that’s that I’ve learned he does). I think I have done the right things, and I think he has been taking action as you have explained, except for today. And if he contacts me, I want to try to handle it correctly.

Scenario

Sat Nov 30 - Plumber sends first mssg on M early AM> Hi {my town}. Are you still here, or did you run? {referencing a comment on my profile.}

I respond that evening> I’m doing good w/this (I think.) Although I have to talk myself off the ledge sometimes. I have learned the delete key is a very powerful tool. Anyway, Yep, I’m still here.

Mon Dec 2 AM- Plummer> How would you like to get a bite to eat or drink… hmm… trying to keep you off that ledge!! {closes w/his first name and a smiley face.}

Tues Dec 3 PM- Me> Hi, How about you tell me a little bit about yourself. {Then I comment on a couple things in his profile. And I close w/my first name.}

Wed Dec 4 AM - Plummer> Let’s see, what would you want to know… {then responds with light stuff about himself and ends it w/} What about you?

Dec 4, PM - Me> I mirror his comment of what would I want to know and list the 4 silly questions I explained before. #2 was ‘Are you part of a gang?’ I also explained that I hope he had a sense of humor and I was just trying to get a sense of him for safety sake.

2 hrs later, Plummer responds to each of the questions and asks, “does the misfits count” for #2 question of gang. He also gives me his phone number saying, “I’m a slow typer so {phone number} if you like to talk.” And adds he thinks the safety thing is different for men than women.

Thurs Dec 5 PM – I respond to his comments with a couple sentences— I couldn’t figure out who the misfits were or Heatmiser (he had mentioned both) and I ended the mssg w/> “Hope your day went well, my cell is ** if you’d like to chat.”

Fri Dec 6 AM- 7:30 AM, I am at work and see Plumber sent an email at 7:05AM w/pic of two misfit toys> Hope you don’t mind a text, if you do, just say… I’m not really a misfit, but here’s your hint, the pic I mean. Have a great Friday. Plumber.

I responded at 7:45> Lol. Good morning. Misfit toys… now I REALLY have to find old Heatmiser… happy Friday.; December 8, 2013 at 3:38 PM
Gemini50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror, (2 of 2)

Sat Dec 7 @ 4PM> Plumber calls, I am dropping my mother off at her place and don’t hear the phone ring. He leaves a message.

When I get home, I notice his call. I waited until 5:30PM to text> Hi. Can I get back to you tomorrow morning?

Ms. Mirror, I just want to say that this was so hard for me, and I was putting your information to practice. I sooo wanted and thought I should call right back because it is the “nice” thing to do, and I am so f’n nice…(but it was Saturday night and I’m a woman with things going on lol). Even though I sooo wanted to jump on his call, I purposefully held myself back.}

15 minutes later Plumber responded> But of course.

15 minutes later I respond> Cool. What time is too early? Thx. {We had both made comments in earlier emails that we were morning people.}

20 minutes later Plumber> Anytime

I did not respond. Let him have the last mssg.

Dec 8 7:10 AM>I called, the phone rang 4x, and went to voicemail. I left message> Good morning Plumber, it’s {my name.} Looks like we are playing phone tag, so now you are “it.” Bye.

Now it’s 3PM, and I haven’t heard anything back from him.

Was calling him back the wrong thing to do?

The number he gave me had a message with his name and listing two plumbing companies. I could only remember one and looked it up. He’s the owner.

I thought this was going so well… both of us playing it cool, except for his initial invite, no one racing into anything… but now I’m confused.

And I’m not asking what you think of HIM, because I’m learning to think of ME and how I want to be treated, rather than waste my energy trying to figure out why a guy does anything. So, if he does contact me again, how do you think I should respond? How much time should I wait to respond? And what should I say? Should I even mention my returning his call?

I would like to meet this man, just to see if his pic is accurate, to compare him in real life to what he wrote, and basically more of the “practicing” for me.

Thx lady!; December 8, 2013 at 3:40 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
Well. . do you see now why it's not necessary to be "too nice" LOL ;-)

I wouldn't panic just yet, however, when guys act like this, it's a bit of a red flag to me. You were worried about being too nice and apparently, he could care less about being courteous. . .sigh. Not a very good first impression. Not enough to shoot him off the block yet, but. .not real impressive either.

Calling him back the next day was okay. Just give this time to play out a bit is all and keep an eye on his actions. If they become borderline ignorant, just pull back. I imagine he went MIA to continue the laid back impression. When/if he calls, don't mention that you phoned. Keep that one tucked away, make note of it, and keep moving forward with him. I imagine he'll phone soon and I think this will be good practice for you :-); December 9, 2013 at 6:51 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
"if he does contact me again, how do you think I should respond? How much time should I wait to respond?"

Sorry, missed that part. The next time he phones, answer. Pick up and have that conversation. Don't wait to respond to this one, go ahead and have the conversation. You can always mix it up a bit later on down the line if you two get on well :-); December 9, 2013 at 6:54 AM
Gemini50 said...: Thank you Ms Mirror, I am a stubborn student, for sure. Yes, I see now how niceness just doesn't matter much with these guys.
I was definitely frustrated yesterday that here was another inconsiderate person... I could see the damn piss puddle on my floor! Lol
I calmed down last nite and took on a "whatever" feeling... just clean up the piss, put that puppy outside and move on. :-)

Plumber just text me: Hi. Crazy Sunday, had to work some then "family nite" my phone is free now, I'll also try you at end of the day, another busy week w the holidays here, gotta keep u off that ledge :-)"

Do you think he thinks I would call him because his phone is now free? Smh

I will wait to see if he calls tonight and let you know.

Thx Ms. Mirror, your input helps.; December 9, 2013 at 10:46 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
"Do you think he thinks I would call him because his phone is now free?"

Well, that's a first I must say. . .a guy signaling that his "phone is free now" - as if were just tied up with so much communication (because he's so popular and busy) that is was out of commission for a while, LOL. . .sigh.

I don't like how he's leading here. I'm not saying to write him off just yet, but this isn't impressive. First of all, if his damn phone is free now. . .might I suggest that HE PICK IT UP and USE IT to RING YOU back? I mean, you returned his call, and now he can't do the same, he has to send a text? Okay, whatever. It's like this has turned into a battle of wills already, LOL. He can send a text telling you his phone is free, but he can't pick up the now free phone - to phone you? Even if you're at work, he could've tried anyway and left a message.

Not to mention that it would've taken him all of two minutes to notify you of this yesterday. . .instead of keeping you waiting. When you weren't available, you explained that you'd call the next day. Yet, he does not extend the same courtesy and instead - makes you play the damn waiting game.

These guys. . .I just wring their necks sometimes, LOL. But now you know dear. . .this one. . .gets very few courtesies moving forward. Don't give him more than he's giving you right now and the next time you can't talk and/or are unavailable till the next day - don't give him the courtesy and peace of mind of knowing that in advance as you did previously. Two can play the waiting game and if he insists on turning this into a game. . .it should be "game over" by the end of the week ya' know?

Sit tight, he may just be fumbling here. See if he follows through tonight - because that will tell you a lot about him. . .; December 9, 2013 at 11:33 AM
Gemini50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,

Plumber called shortly after I got home. First impression? Too soon to tell.

Right off the bat he told me he was surprised I answered the phone. And then he said he was glad he was able to reach me because he had family coming over, but wanted to try to reach me before they arrived.

It was kind of awkward at first, but eventually it flowed. We talked about work, everyday stuff, etc.

I had to say something about his text today, and told him it made me laugh. When he asked why, I said, “At first blush, the way you typed it, the spacing was off and looked like it said, ‘Hi Crazy,’ instead of ‘Hi. Crazy Sunday.’ And I thought, ‘Wow! He knows me already!’” He laughed.

And then I said, “and your comment about your phone being ‘free now’ was priceless... they were good chuckles for me today.” He kind of sputtered over himself on that one, but I just laughed and I think he got it.

Overall, it was a good conversation, and he definitely wanted to take the lead.

He also ‘gave up’ the contest, as you observed earlier. We bet over which Christmas show the Heatmiser was originally in. He wanted me to choose the bet, and I said, “bragger’s rights.” He didn’t like that one and said it should be a drink or dinner.

Now, bells are going off in my head, that if I bet dinner, and I lose, then I have to pay – NOPE! (i.e., Who should pay for a date?) So I say “a drink,” and then he says jokingly, “Well, ok, but I haven’t decided if I want to meet you yet.”

(OMG! I had to stop myself from laughing right out loud because he just gave himself up!) That comment came from his pride being a bit wounded when I didn’t jump at meeting him. And when he asked me to answer the four silly questions I asked of him, #3 was, “What is your real name?” I answered, “I will tell you if we plan to meet.” (Note: IF and WE are the definitive words.)

So, to his, “I haven’t decided if I want to meet you yet,” comment, I said in a joking manner, “Oh really? Be careful dear, that goes both ways you know.” And we both chuckled, and, again, I think he got it.

The nice thing was that he didn’t bash his x-wife. He’s divorced 3 yrs, was married for 25, and he said they just grew apart. The split was amicable, and they just moved on. It was nice NOT to hear how he was a victim of the x, etc.

We talked for a half hour, and it was long enough. He again said he was glad he caught me and explained with winter he’s real busy (it’s not just a plumbing business, it’s also heating) and with the holidays, he’s got ALL these parties to go to (I guess his phone IS THAT popular – lol) that he wanted to talk with me before I ‘slid off the ledge’ (and disappeared from Match).

He asked if he could call again tomorrow night. I kind of skipped a beat because I was thinking about what I had to do tomorrow, and he caught it. But I told him he could give me a call. So we’ll see if he does.

It’s all practice, practice, practice…. Thank goodness you are here Ms. Mirror with the logic and steps for women to take care of themselves thru these dating waters.

Where is your book lady!!! (( HUGS )); December 9, 2013 at 7:08 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
Well, you passed test number one, LOL! Most men, whether they realize it or not, are testing a woman right from the get-go. The little contest of wills, seeing how you handle a comment about him being uncertain about you, making a actual bet with you and initiating a "contest" in reality there. . .all little tests dear, testing your emotional strength and your reactions - to see if you're insecure.

Had you not responded by jabbing back with humor (which I suggest often as it's a friendly way to spar, LOL), and instead, had you gotten a bit worried or been caught off guard, he'd have signaled you a bit insecure.

Oh and BTW, I'm a 70's claymation Christmas specials freak, LOL. The Heatmiser? Yea, that's from the Christmas special, "The Year Without a Santa Clause." He sings, "I'm Mister Heatmiser, I'm Mr. Hot!" LOL ;-)

Just continue to maintain your balance here dear and it'll be alright. If you feel he's beginning to over-step boundaries or take advantage in any way at any point - simply pull back and distance yourself a bit to signal that that's not okay with you and to continue to maintain that fair balance without him running you over in any way.

And most of all, enjoy it - enjoy the experience for what it is. No expectations, no flowery day-dreaming, no glorifying. . .just keep it real, be your true self (don't be afraid to be snarky or respond in disagreement at any time) and enjoy each and every little step of the journey :-)

You're a winner already either way. We already know that you're not going to let him use you or hurt you, so at this point, it's a win win for you. You'll either end up:

1) Making a new friend
2) Entering into a relationship
3) Having someone to casually date
4) Encountering a great learning experience

Getting hurt is no longer an option - and no longer a worry :-); December 10, 2013 at 8:43 AM
Gemini50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,

You got it. My feet are firmly on the ground and I am focused on taking care of myself first.

I want to share the following for a couple reasons: 1) to share what I see as an amazing example of your advice to NOT jump to a man’s wishes to meet without taking the time to do some emailing and phone conversations first and 2) to show that the time you take to do these things can lead to some amazing stuff.

Last night I explained that Plumber called; he ended the conversation due to family arriving, they were making preparations for Christmas.

Well, I’d like all the ladies to read these texts.

Plumber woke me up with a text @ 9:47 PM> 203 pierogi made, house empty… Yippee 

Me 9:50PM> Good job :-) p.s. I won the bet! 1974… look it up… what did we bet? And I don’t think I’ve ever watched it.

Me 9:53PM> p.p.s. I like to win. Lol

Plumber 10:20 PM> I’ll give it to you when I see you

Plumber 10:23 PM> Your prize 

{I fell asleep and my phone is silenced after 10 PM, so I didn’t see those last two texts until the AM.}

This AM Plumber 7:32 AM> The prize committee has decided that indeed you have won… Your prize if you decide to accept it is a date on Wednesday or Friday night… your choice… WOW, what a Neat prize, I think you should take it.

{I am working from home today, and reading this invite I am reminded of Ms. Mirror's advice to not set the stage for last minute dates (Wednesday) but I consider it for a second because I have (not yet firm) plans to have my granddaughter Friday night.}

Me 8:15 AM> The prize “committee” is/are smart cookies! Unfortunately I can’t do this Wednesday and I have tentative plans w/my granddaughter for Fri nite that we agreed to check w mom today. Can I get back to you later today? Ps. I win, I win, I win! (I am a good loser, but winning is better) 

Plumber 8:36 AM> Whatever works, I would think with the prize like that you would want to collect as soon as possible. 

Me 9:24 AM> Dear Mr.** {his first name. It’s all he’s shared, and I haven’t asked} Dear Mr. **, receiving my prize is something I look forward to. Will it be like Publishers Clearing House? I have been planning this overnite with ** for weeks (mom always has the power) and she gave me the final ok this AM so I hope the prize isn’t a case of “use it or lose it.” How about Sunday or next week? From Ms. **{I gave my last name for first time.}

Plumber 9:36AM> The committee has just voted and decided to extend your prize package to 18 December this prize package can be redeemed in either {Gemini50s town or neighboring town} at any local dining eating or drinking establishment. We hope your redemption process is done as soon as possible…. I fully understand the child process and you should take full advantage of it while you can…. How does that sound Ms. **?

Me 9:38AM> It sounds perfect. (Thank you). Have a great day and be careful out there.

Plumber 9:40AM> ;-) work time, no more silly talk… 4 now.

Ms. Mirror, his response WAS perfect for me. He kept his manly strength while displaying his understanding of my commitment to my granddaughter. It touched deep to my core, and I have been thinking how this all would have been lost if I would have jumped at his first invite to meet right away – before we even knew our names.

I look forward to meeting him; I don’t know when it will be (has to be before the 18th lol). I’m guessing it’s going to be an interesting time. ; December 10, 2013 at 6:48 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemini50,
Slow and steady wins the race dear ;-)

So now you know:

1) He's mature
2) He's capable (and willing) of understanding
3) He's got a sense of humor
4) He's willing to let you pick something that's comfortable for you
5) He's a man of his word (so far, LOL)

And all you have to do now dear - is meet him and have a good time. Don't worry about a future. First figure out whether or not YOU like HIM and whether or not YOU can even see him in YOUR future. Don't worry about what he thinks about you, stay focused on YOUR needs here. Don't try to manipulate HIS decision about YOU - focus on YOUR decision about HIM.

And approach it as if you're meeting a friend, not a potential lover or a possible future relationship. Because you haven't even decided if HE is a fit or not yet for YOU.

One step at a time - and you will find that you're more relaxed and comfortable that way :-)

And remember, him hurting you is not an option here because YOU are looking out for yourself. So don't worry about the potential of that happening. Instead, just be comfortable with the knowledge that it ISN'T going to happen - at all. Because if he makes any wrong moves here, you're going to pull back and distance yourself to signal that that type of treatment isn't acceptable to you. You're going to protect yourself here :-)

My point is. . .many women barely even think about whether a man is a fit or not. Many women are instead willing to make concessions for the man and grant the benefit of doubt - so long as HE likes THEM. Many women worry more about whether or not the man likes them and what he thinks of THEM, more than they focus on "qualifying" the man as a potential mate or partner for THEMSELVES.

But you're not going to do that. You're not worried about what he thinks of you. Instead, you're going to focus on YOUR needs here and whether or not this man is a fit for YOU ;-); December 11, 2013 at 9:03 AM
wanttodate111 said...: I have been dating a guy aged 59 and we met for two times, he is a text person does not want to call me and he claims to be a laid back person, shy. He keeps texting me all the time, some times we text from the time we come home until we go to sleeps. He never ask me out but he only text me, one day I wanted to make him jealous and I texted him that my friend said that my ex wanted to get me back and after that I only receieved a good night message and he completely shut me down without any reason. I texted him so many times, called never answered his phone I then sent him an Email expalining the situation but I never heard back from him either. I checked the online site we met and he was not online either there, does this mean he is angry with me and wants some space or he is waiting for some times to let me go to start again
Please help me.; December 18, 2013 at 10:09 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @wanttodate111,
"does not want to call me"

"He never ask me out but he only text me"

BIG red flags dear - BIG. Something is very wrong here with this man (possibly married, possibly living with someone, possibly a fake profile, etc.)

"does this mean he is angry with me and wants some space or he is waiting for some times to let me go to start again"

I'd be more fearful that this was a con-man (fake profile) and/or a married or unavailable man. Don't worry about this man dear, be thankful he's disappeared because this really wasn't starting off well. Only texting and never calling and never meeting. . .reeks of a fraud to me dear.; December 19, 2013 at 8:26 AM
wanttodate111 said...: Ms. Mirror, I think I did not explain righ there.......I knew from the begining he was married and we met online on AM and he told me that he has no contact with his wife other than anything which concern his kids. We met 3 times after communicating for 3 months and he would call me but I have to ask him to do so, he will tell me that he loose words when speaking on the phone so he prefer to text..........at a later stage he said that he is text person which confuse me a lot. He never chat online but he text a lot so I guess he must have had lot of people texting to him thinking now. We were ok until the moment I pull a frank on his saying that my friend told me that my ex wanted to get back to me and I also hinted to him that I dont want to have a textual releationship. He alwasy said " one day we will do this and that....but after the lat meeting we never met until he went silent, I even sent him an Email asking him what went wrong, called him few times but never responded, I know his birthday is next week, I am wondering whether I should make a call there. He even requested me few times that I come and surprised him at his work place and one evening I went to see him there, if he is a player do you think he will take such a risk ? please let me know whether I should just shut him down or continue to wait till he decide to come back......thank you; December 20, 2013 at 2:02 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @wanttodate111,
"he will tell me that he loose words when speaking on the phone so he prefer to text..........at a later stage he said that he is text person which confuse me a lot."

I understand that dear, however, you want to be with a man who is ABLE and WILLING to fulfill YOUR needs. If a man isn't willing to make sacrifices on occasion and/or attempt to do things that maybe he really doesn't want to do, in order to make you happy. . .then how is he going to make you happy in a relationship, ya' know? He has to be WILLING to make sacrifices and compromises in the early stages dear. Because if he doesn't and you enter into a relationship with him, he's not going to suddenly and miraculously change and all of a sudden, attempt to fulfill your needs.

" I know his birthday is next week, I am wondering whether I should make a call there."

If you're already calling and he's not responding, then why put yourself through the rejection again dear? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If it isn't working, doing it again isn't going to suddenly make it work, ya' know? At some point, you simply have to accept that the relationship just isn't working and that the man isn't fulfilling your needs, nor does he appear willing to.

"if he is a player do you think he will take such a risk ? "

Absolutely, a player takes such risks. They love the excitement and thrive off of it. Additionally, the players entire game is about getting the WOMAN to do all of the work, and come to HIM - instead of him doing the work to make things progress, and coming to HER.

"or continue to wait till he decide to come back"

NEVER, ever, ever - wait on a man. Never put your life on hold for a man, particularly one that isn't making any effort and/or responding that he's interested. Keep moving forward and begin dating other men. If he's genuinely interested, he knows where to find you. But whatever you do, never wait on a man dear. You could be sitting there, letting years of your life pass by, waiting on a man - the never appears :-(; December 22, 2013 at 10:38 AM
Gemini50 said...: @ Wanttodate111,
I read in your post that this man is married. No matter what he tells you about his relationship with his wife, he's married. He's NOT available to build a life with you until he is divorced. :-( And if he's told you he is currently able to do things to make your life together meaningful, he is lying.

Picture this: You two are together, you set up home life, you share your home with him, or maybe the two of you set up a new home together, etc. Well, one day the wife decides she's going to take action on his axx and VOILA! Everything you have invested in, the relationship, the life, etc., has just been hit by a tornado! And you know what? The wife is going to win -- and you could see a horrible side of this man.

Don't do that to yourself. And don't believe a single thing this man says either. A cheater is a cheater is a cheater... and if he cheats on his wife with you, he'll cheat on you later.

You sound like a sweet woman; don't let this jamoke take up any more of your energy, heart and soul. You deserve better. :-); December 23, 2013 at 7:26 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello Mirror,
I met a fellow online who wanted someone to text/email, express feelings and talk. He lives in another province. I started up the texting as I feel it would be safe for me to get to know someone from a distance first. I am rather shy and do not jump into things easily. He is going through a divorce and lives in a remote area. He says his wife was a "piece of work" which sounds a little bitter.

After a week he starts calling me "honey" and "sweetie" and using the "we" word, like we are a couple. He texts me every day and tells me my photo is beautiful and that he is watching me go to sleep. I like getting to know him and he is a perfect gentleman, not making crude sexual comments, more teddy bear type things like holding hands, etc.

Would this be a red flag, all this "sweetie" and "hon" talk? I feel a bit uncomfortable about it but maybe that's just the way he is, very loving and attentive. I do not have a lot of experience with men so need some advice. He says he has family in my area and travels here, and would like to meet me. He tells me he really likes me and wants to meet me after one week.

Thank you!
Cindy; December 31, 2013 at 10:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Cindy,
"He says his wife was a "piece of work"

Hmm, that's a bit suspect because when I hear people talk like that about others, I have to wonder, "What did you do that made her feel the need to "work" in such a manner?"

"After a week he starts calling me "honey" and "sweetie" and using the "we" word, like we are a couple"

Careful dear. That sounds like a bit of bullsh*t soup he's feeding you to me because it's WAY too soon for this man to be feeling anything legitimate here. And when a man quickly attempts to feed your fantasies and tell you what he THINKS you want to hear, it's usually because he's working up to a bigger event (fast tracking you into the bedroom upon your first meeting, so that by the time he meets you, he has made things much easier on himself by misleading you into thinking you're already a couple).

"Would this be a red flag, all this "sweetie" and "hon" talk?"

Absolutely. And you're questioning it because your gut is also signaling to you that something is "off" here. Things that start off fast and hot generally burn out just as quick.

"I feel a bit uncomfortable about it"

That's your gut attempting to send out a "warning" to you.

Proceed accordingly dear and SLOWLY here. Do NOT jump into bed with this man and don't rush anything here. Meet him and spend plenty of time getting to KNOW him prior to moving forward freely.; January 1, 2014 at 12:30 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I have a question if I may. Recently a guy has responded to my advertisement on a dating site. He sent me his picture in the very first mail and asked for mine. Since he didn´t look dangerous or suspicious, I sent him mine without any further communication, which I don´t usually do, but honestly, this time I couldn´t make myself write an introductory email for a hundredth or so time. We know only basic facts about each other, such as age, status, education, city. He replied immediately saying the following: Thanks for your photo. I think the best think is to meet in person although we know almost nothing about each other. I am not good at writing and I could write about how fabulous I am and when we meet you might think the opposite. Moreover, chemistry is also important. I hope I didn´t discourage you by writing this. Regards, ...

Mirror, what´s your opinion? I don´t think he is showing particular enthusiasm in knowing me after seeing my photo, don´t you think so? Do you think I should respond to this one? As for me, I didn´t comment on his photo either, I just thanked him for it. He isn´t my type, but looks quite intelligent and I can imagine speaking to him at least. However, I personally don´t believe in photos, from my experience most of them are deceiving.

What is your opinion please?

I hope I am not bothering you but after a year of online dating I am getting even more confused about what I should and shouldn´t do than before. I am afraid have partially lost my natural instincts due to communicating multiple times with liers, unpleasant men, etc.

Thank you very much,
have a nice Sunday,
Hopeful; January 19, 2014 at 2:34 PM
KK said...: "And remember, him hurting you is not an option here because YOU are looking out for yourself. So don't worry about the potential of that happening. Instead, just be comfortable with the knowledge that it ISN'T going to happen - at all. "

I scrolled past that comment you made to Gem, I needed to be reminded of that as well.

I do feel confident and pretty proud of myself for how I have handled things lately with Taurus - looking out for myself, protection, just being in the now instead of the 'later'. But I do also find though that the past few days I've been a bit emotional (not with him) just in my own private moments. I don't know if everything that has happened recently is catching up to me and I'm 'getting over' something, or maybe a combination of that along with a little bit of fear and anxiousness but also happiness? It's very strange.
1) I'm sad for all these great dates/conversations and moments I'm having with Taurus, when I should have had them with this one and that one (what could have been, grieving).
2) I'm happy that a man is now actually treating me well, calling me (frequently) without being prompted, taking me out (not in), showing all the signs that he's genuinely interested.
3) I'm a little anxious and fearful over 'what he wants/his intentions', but it has nothing to do with my intuition or his actions - but some men do 'act' like gentlemen and play the role and then flip or disappear when they don't get what they came for (sex).
4) I am not used to this yet, to me it's nice, but surprising when you haven't had it before/or in a really long time.
5) I feel like I have failed before, miserably. And I don't want to fail again.

Maybe I'm 'adjusting' or something - if anyone could explain why I'm feeling all of those emotions, that'd be great LOL. Taurus is really observant and in tune, he seems to be picking up on a few of those things too - but I haven't actually verbalized anything, my mood with him is always pleasant.. he can just 'feel' something though. Like he just knows I've been through shit and have been treated like shit and wants to make up for all those other guys or something.; January 20, 2014 at 7:51 AM
KK said...: The date itself Saturday was awesome! I had the best time, we both had a lot of fun, we talked a lot, we laughed, and it was the longest date I've had (8 hrs or something crazy like that). It was comfortable and not awkward at all, thanks to our previous coffee date probably and all the communication in between. It was nice to walk into a public place with a man and know/feel that you're 'his'. I could actually see that he was happy and proud to be with me.
Again, he was the perfect gentleman: picked me up, holding doors for me, guiding me through/leading, protecting me (from other prey), good manners, polite to our waitress and then listening very intensely whenever I spoke - his attention was always on me.
After dinner, we went for a drink at a bar/pub - one that I haven't been to. I was impressed, it was nice and relaxing and cozy and gave us another chance to talk. A hockey game was on and so I got schooled on the game (because I don't follow hockey). Then we ended up hopping all around town and at first had a hard time finding a 'lively' spot, it seemed dead everywhere for a Saturday, but we ended up at another bar/nightclub which was the busiest of them all - which provided lots of free entertainment; the PUA's on the prowl, the women and their behaviour, etc. A photographer came by to take our picture, which we both happily agreed to and when we posed, he put his hand/arm around me and leaned in real close, I could feel his cheek on mine (very into it). The guy behind the camera even remarked at the photo and said: "Beautiful!" and showed us the pic and we both nodded to approve.
I didn't get drunk or do anything stupid, I had everything under control (some women like to make a mess of themselves).
Upon entering the bar, the bouncer marks you on your hand with a marker - just in case you leave, you have proof you've already been there and have 'priority'. Well, dude ended up making something on my hand that closely resembled a penis, I didn't notice until later and showed Taurus and we laughed. Then we did end up outside and on our way back in, I was saying something about it again and laughing and a random guy behind me must have been eavesdropping (I'm not that loud) and decided to comment on it too, it was all in good fun, I have a sense of humour. He added to it and said: "Maybe you should lick it". I smiled and shook my head but looked at Taurus, he looked the guy dead in the eye, gave an exaggerated laugh and then made a really stern, serious face at him. Random guy's buddy beside him says: "K man that's enough". Taurus put his hand on my back and we walked back in, he said something about it later and how "there's no respect anymore, I mean sure, he's probably feeling good, but you just don't talk like that to a woman". I was so glad he was with me.
When he dropped me off, we talked about our night and how much fun we both had. We ended up sitting in the car for an hour in front of my house just talking, he didn't hint at anything, he didn't make any moves, it's like he didn't want it end. When the conversation did die down I thanked him again for the great night and tried my best to awkwardly give him a hug (it's hard doing that sitting in a car) and I gave him a kiss on the cheek, I wasn't quite ready for anything else. He did hint at seeing me again, he said he'd give me some options and I could choose.; January 20, 2014 at 9:09 AM
KK said...: He called last night and we spoke for a very long time, he said he hasn't talked on the phone with someone that long in years and added: "Congratulations! lol". That's when he gave me the options for Wednesday (he's doing the 3 day rule now)
1) Dinner and a movie at his place ( I didn't say anything when he suggested that, I asked for option 2 right away) Been there, done that. Not how I want to do this and not right now anyway... maybe at a later time those kind of dates can happen.
2) A pool hall, or bowling - laid back, fun, you're able to grab a bite to eat, it is a night out. - I agreed to that.
I'm always mindful of any 'tests' he may be doing, so maybe refusing the 'home date' is a good thing, it shows him I'm not settling for that.

I am curious about that though if I'm ever asked that again from him, when is a good time to start accepting those kind of dates? I mean, you can't go to dinner every week, you can do everything else in between, but eventually a night in has to happen. But when is it actually appropriate?; January 20, 2014 at 9:10 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Hopeful,
"Thanks for your photo. I think the best think is to meet in person although we know almost nothing about each other. I am not good at writing and I could write about how fabulous I am and when we meet you might think the opposite. Moreover, chemistry is also important. I hope I didn´t discourage you by writing this. Regards, ..."

I find it interesting that even when writing this, he KNEW he was risking turning you off and discouraging you from contacting him - yet he did it anyway. He took the LAZY, EASY way out ANYWAY.

And when men say, "I am not good at writing" - writing is much like speaking, so it boils down to the equivalent of saying, "I'm not good at speaking." Much like men who state that and then constantly text instead and never call.

"Mirror, what´s your opinion?"

If he's being this lazy and unenthusiastic this early on about meeting you, it won't improve later on down the line. Guys like this remind me of moving through an assembly line - of women, online. It's like, "blah, blah, blah, sex - NEXT!" He's already signaling he's lazy and he's not putting in any effort at all and yet, he continues forth and expects rewarding results for his lack of effort.

"Do you think I should respond to this one?"

You're free to do as you please, but if it were me, I would not. It has nothing to do with him seeing your picture - it's more indicative of him being lazy about meeting women and taking the easy way out online. Again, as if he's used to moving through an assembly line of women.

If they don't put in the effort early on and you "settle" for their less than stellar approach, it won't get better later on because if you've settled for "less" previously, they're not going to suddenly feel compelled to provide you with "more" on their part, ya' know?; January 20, 2014 at 9:24 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @KK,
"there's no respect anymore, I mean sure, he's probably feeling good, but you just don't talk like that to a woman"

If nothing else (ladies, pay attention to that statement above), this should tell you that good guys DO still exist :-)

"I'm always mindful of any 'tests' he may be doing, so maybe refusing the 'home date' is a good thing, it shows him I'm not settling for that."

Exactly - there's plenty of time for that later. Don't be too eager to settle for less early on. Let a man treat you like a lady when he's willing to do so :-)

"I am curious about that though if I'm ever asked that again from him, when is a good time to start accepting those kind of dates? I mean, you can't go to dinner every week, you can do everything else in between, but eventually a night in has to happen. But when is it actually appropriate?

When YOU are ready dear. And not a minute sooner. I say, later is better, much better. You might not be able to go to dinner every week, but you can stop for a drink or two somewhere and it won't break the bank. So later on down the line, when you feel ready and he suggests that, you might suggest a drink out in a public space and then drop into his place after for a while. And when you do, DO NOT spend the night the first few times you're there and DO NOT sleep with him the first few times you're there.

When you feel you can successfully do that and you're ready to do that, then you can. But again, later is better, much better than "sooner" :-); January 20, 2014 at 9:34 AM
KK said...: Mirror,

Thank you! I had the same thought - "When YOU are ready". Of course, I don't want to end up in a 'situation', so that's why I'm being very careful and running here when I need some pointers.
I like the idea of not spending the night the first few times/or actually sleeping with the man. Sure there's temptation, so a little self control would solve that.
That would also be a test for him as well - if you refuse to stay the night/sleep with him, and he makes no big deal about it, then you know he actually cares about YOU and he's genuine. If on the other hand, you refuse and he makes a scene or just has an attitude about it, then it's safe to say you should probably cut your losses. I think this guy would be understanding if/when that ever happens.

I've noticed something during our conversations, he'll ask me 'leading' questions... just the other night, we were talking about the whole dating game/the site we met off of. I guess he was curious but didn't want to ask me straight out if I'm meeting other guys or if he's the only one I'm 'seeing'?
We've shared some stores/experiences with eachother, bad dates, bad pick up lines. He met a woman and 15 min's into it she was already planning their 2nd and 3rd dates - he was turned off and excused himself and never talked to her or saw her again. I have had clingy men also, and men who have offered me cash in exchange for...? - We basically agreed it just seems to be getting worse, so he said in regards to the site, he's pretty much done there and didn't need it really. That planted a seed in my mind, I'm wondering if he's trying to hint to me that I'm the only one? I am not communicating or meeting anyone else at the moment - but it could still happen. We've both already expressed that we aren't in a rush - things go awry when you rush and you may regret it. I could assume he could be dating others but he does seem to be into me only and makes quite a bit of time for me, there wouldn't be much left for anyone else. He asked if I was keeping my options open and I tried to answer that so carefully but was honest and open at the same time. I told him we both should have our options open, we did just meet, we're getting to know eachother, it would be silly and somewhat stupid to just settle on this one person right away, you can't get serious too soon, it takes time to really know for sure that you do want something more serious and if that person is right for you and wants the same thing.
I bit my tongue after I finished and I wondered if I gave the right answer LOL. He totally agreed with me and thinks the same way, we're on the same page at least, we seem to want the same thing. More so a relationship/commitment rather than 'playing around', we both don't have time for that, we've already been there and we both have been played.; January 21, 2014 at 9:51 AM
KK said...: And speaking of the player (Pisces). It's been 2 months of NC. I am happy I'm 'out' and on to better things, but I am still able to see a few things, it's like I'm fascinated by what's happening so I keep watching, and the more I watch, the more I learn and see who he REALLY is, it's clear as day.
It does not bother me anymore, but it amazes me that he can still keep doing this and keep getting away with it, it is just really unfair to the girl of the month. That seems to be the pattern (one every 3-4 wks, if he's lucky), same old routine, same lazy approach, same kinda girl - no real dates, 'situations', 'home dates', and then the woman posting pictures of herself (without him) laying in his bed, or with his dog - He likes to be separate and detached, almost like he's keeping her a secret and then for her it just shows she 'settled' and she's being disrespected. The guy obviously does not give a shit about HER. She even travelled to see him - on really bad roads in crappy weather, at night - Can you say delivery?
He's not lifting a finger for her. She's there to fill a void for the time being and give him some comfort to his ego, but that's it. And while she is driving to him and taking time to post these pictures and everything else, he's still chasing other women or circling back to previous ones (I'm probably in a queue).
She is starting to post really sappy, emotional quotes and statuses and even said she was feeling 'confused' - Ah... let the games begin.
I am kinda hoping he does contact me - but just so I can ignore him, smile and continue on my way.

So thankful!; January 21, 2014 at 9:56 AM
Gemini50 said...: @ KK,
So nice to read your last comment. I hope I get "there" -- I am certainly trying. (hugs) :-); January 21, 2014 at 7:08 PM
Anonymous said...: Mirror,

thank you very much for your kind answer. Yes, you hit the nail on the head as usual. Your intuition seems to be flawless. Because guess what I discovered? I searched my inbox and found out that we had already been corresponding with this one about a year ago, at that time without photos. And yes, he was extremely lazy. And boring. But he was able to string me along for a while. I made much more effort to make the conversation going. At that time he wrote he was staying abroad because of his job but would come at Christmas time. And sent me his number - "You can call me while I am here". Fortunately, at that time I had already started reading your blog. And regardless, it felt rude. So I didn´t respond and never heard from him. And now he is back, not knowing that it´s me. No, you are right, I am definitely not going to respond to him.

Thank you again for everything. You are perfect! I wish you and everybody a nice weekend.
Hopeful; January 25, 2014 at 4:32 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA. I recently joined match.com with the hopes of getting back out onto the dating scene. Well I must say I am very impressed with the number of attractive, ambitious, goal-oriented men there are in my area and I want to get to know them. My question to you is do you think it's ok if I make the first move and send an email showing that I'm interested? I read every last one of your blogs and you are so adamant about the woman not being the pursuer, not taking on the masculine role and let the man come to her. I would like to know your thoughts on this.; January 27, 2014 at 5:57 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 27, 5:57 PM,
"do you think it's ok if I make the first move and send an email showing that I'm interested?"

No, I don't believe that being aggressive online works for women - it backfires. And there are several issue that soon follow. If you contact a man first:

1) He will perceive you as sexually aggressive (and think sex is soon to follow, which means he's already taking you (and things) for granted.

2) You give away your power as a woman when you pursue a man, instead of him pursuing you. Once you take the lead as a woman, the act of doing so is "masculine." Meaning, you begin to exhibit masculine, leading energy. Men are not attracted to masculine energy, they're attracted to feminine energy (submissive). The only ones that appreciate aggressive women taking the lead - are players. Gentlemen and relationship ready men prefer to take the lead and be the man that treats you like a lady. The rest are being opportunists taking advantage of the opportunity the woman is presenting them with and this can lead to you being used and then dumped.

3) Your very first few interactions/dates are CRUCIAL and actually "set the tone" of the relationship from that day forward. So if you begin as the aggressor, get used to it because from that day forward, YOU will be the one constantly initiating contact, constant expected to pursue and constantly being the one doing the work to keep the relationship afloat. The man will expect to be courted BY you, instead of stepping up to court and impress YOU. If you settle that early on for less-than-impressive treatment from a man (i.e. him doing nothing special for you), then there's never going to come a day when he suddenly feels compelled to step up and impress you. If you settle at the beginning, he'll never be compelled to be his best for you. The thing that compells men to step up and be their best. . .is a challenge (i.e. something that's not easy and falls into his lap and is instead something he has to work hard to earn). There's a saying, "Maybe if more women would sit down and be ladies, more men would be compelled to stand up and be gentlemen." It refers to the unspoken "energy" at play in relationships.

4) It's a known fact that relationships that begin with the man initially being attracted to the woman have MUCH higher success rates of turning into lasting relationships than when it's the woman who is initially attracted. So it's best to let the men who are attracted to you step forward and only focus on them because their attraction to you is what will keep them engaged, interested and pursuing you.

"I read every last one of your blogs and you are so adamant about the woman not being the pursuer, not taking on the masculine role and let the man come to her."

Absolutely dear. I get literally THOUSANDS of stories shared here by women and when you're in that position to see/hear all of them, you quickly notice a trend - woman pursues, man distances himself. Woman chases, man runs (but sleeps with her once or twice first). And on the same token, you notice another trend as well - woman suddenly pulls back, man suddenly steps forward.

Cont. . .; January 28, 2014 at 1:43 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: It's a dance dear, it's a ritual - a mating ritual - and it's called "courtship:"

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/courtship-dating-benefits.html

When you participate properly in the human mating ritual, that of courtship, you soon realize that - it WORKS. Why? Because whether we like it or not, there are gender roles deeply, primally ingrained in human beings, that we all still carry. And along with that, there are energies associated with each role - feminine and masculine. And the reality is that these two energies play off of one another in a sort of "dance." And when dancing, someone leads while the other follows that lead. And the leader is exhibiting masculine energy while the one following that lead is exhibiting feminine energy, submissive energy, submitting to the others lead.

And simply put, men are not attracted to masculine, leading energy. If they were, they'd date other men. Men like soft, submissive, warm, welcoming energy, they are attracted to it. If they were attracted to aggressive, leading, brash, assertive energy, they'd date men. And I believe this is the single biggest culprit to why, when a woman suddenly flips the script and starts chasing a man down - he bolts. His attraction for her is diminished because of the masculine, aggressive energy she's suddenly beginning to emit. The man's behavior didn't change, but the woman's did. And when that happens, he's not attracted to that masculine energy she's now emitting.

Over time and hearing literally hundreds of stories, the trend you begin to see is that, whether men realize it or not - masculine aggressive energy from a woman turns them off. Many don't even realize what exactly it is that's turning them off, but all have a common theme - what was once feminine, has now become masculine. And Mother Nature's natural gender roles were suddenly flip-flopped and reversed - and the man is not longer attracted, even if he doesn't really know why and didn't intend for that to happen.

It's at this point that you usually hear them say, "I dunno, something just changed and suddenly, I wasn't attracted to her anymore. She just changed and became real "demanding" (code word for "masculine" and taking the lead and attempting to steer the relationship in a certain direction)."

They don't even know why, but the reality is that's it's because they started out dating something that was warm, welcoming, feminine and soft...and overnight (usually after sex) it suddenly turned into something a bit cooler, demanding, masculine and somewhat brash.

So no, for all of the above reasons, I do not think it pays to start off a relationship as the aggressor ;-); January 28, 2014 at 1:43 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I have a follow up: As you suggested, I didn´t respond to the lazy guy. He had waited a few days and today he emailed me a question: Don´t you want to meet then?

You will probably say that it is another lazy approach of a lazy man.(-: I am just writing this to illustrate your teaching - the less eager the woman is or seems to be, the more curious the man becomes. Honestly, although he sent only this short question, I didn´t expect even that, so it quite surprised me.

I am not particularly interested in this guy. However, considering the number of options I have, maybe I should give him a chance and perhaps practise a bit what I am learning here. What do you think? And how to respond to that one lazy question? It seems I have power now and I wouldn´t like to lose it. By the way, sorry to bother you with such a minor thing, but this online dating is horrible for me. The longer I am doing it, the more confused I am. Most of the time I feel lost. For example, several times it has happened that I exchanged a few e-mails with a man, he then asked me to meet him in person, I said okay expecting we would exchange phone numbers and never heard from him. Do you think I did something wrong or they just didn´t mean it seriously? Or probably I shouldn´t try to understand it at all and just take things as they are.

Thank you. I wish you all a nice weekend,
HopefulWithMen; February 2, 2014 at 5:59 PM
Anonymous said...: I began chatting with a man online 5 weeks ago. He tells me good morning almost every morning and we chat for a long time in the evenings. He lives a fair distance from me, but right now he is on a business trip 5 hours away. He wants me to come see him and stay the weekend with him at his hotel. He says that if we meet and hit it off, then we can go from there.
I am very much perplexed by this proposal (and from what I have read from your blog, I should be perplexed)...am I wrong in thinking this is not a good idea?
Thank you!

~Perplexed; February 3, 2014 at 2:19 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopefulWithMen,
Well, you have a couple of options here dear. You can ignore this, you can respond and give him your number to call (you may speak and have no interest whatsoever in meeting him after), or you can agree to go.

I mean, has this guy even asked your name, LOL? These guys, they don't get it. Why would a woman want to meet a man that's in such a hurry to meet, he doesn't even bother to get the woman's name, ya' know? That's not special, he's not showing a "special" interest here, so why would they be SO special, that you'd even want to meet them...when they're treating you like another nameless product on the assembly line, ya' know?

Online dating can be confusing, however, I suggest that you not take it seriously and just roll with the punches, observing. Don't try to understand it, because when these men take the "assembly line" approach as many of them do, when they get a "hit" and a woman says yes before you do, off they go, LOL. Then it doesn't work because they're not taking it seriously themselves and it's a string of nameless women they're having lunch with, and it's back to the ole' drawing board, hence a second email from them, LOL.

So if you say yes and they disappear, they're on the assembly line is all. Which is why I don't suggest saying yes to meetings without at least one call first. The natural process to dating, even when meeting offline and in the real world, is - man meets woman. Man asks woman for number. Man calls woman. They speak. Man asks woman on date - woman can agree or disagree to joining him.

That's the natural process. But online, men try to jump over certain parts (like getting your name and number and calling you first) and then they scratch their heads when there's no connection. Well gesus, how are you even expecting to connect with a nameless woman that you've never even spoken to before and/or showed any real genuine interest in, ya' know, LOL? That's a recipe for disaster - connections are NOT made like that. Connections are made via common interests and likeability. If you don't even bother to find out if you have common interests first and you don't even bother to see if there's a "likeability" existent - then you're NOT going to connect on a date. I say spare yourself a miserable date with a man that's acting like he's working his way down the assembly line - by talking to him first.

Or, if you think you can handle what may come from a date without a call first to see if you're even interested to go on a date with the man - then go ahead and go. But suit up and put that armor on because it may turn out to be a very awkward date with a complete stranger that's never even bothered to ask your name. He may be distanced and detached and he may be acting like you're supposed to "perform" on the date, to impress him (instead of it being a two-way street). He could sit there like a tool, waiting for YOU to do all the work to "make something happen" ya' know? But...a phone call can spare you from all of that here, LOL ;-); February 3, 2014 at 10:17 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Perplexed,
"He wants me to come see him and stay the weekend with him at his hotel."

That's a horrible idea dear. NEVER ever let a man summon you to him like that and go along with it. What - is he ordering a pizza here, ya' know? Dial up, place the order, pizza (sex) arrives at the door - all at HIS convenience? No way.

"He says that if we meet and hit it off, then we can go from there."

Yep, and HE can come to YOU to see if that's going to happen. HE can PROVE to YOU that he's seriously interested by doing so. HE can SHOW YOU via his ACTIONS that he's serious. He's using the word "if" here and signaling that this may or may not work. Do you really want to let a man summon you to him like that and then make a decision about you on the spot in unfamiliar territory and at his whim that it WON'T work? Because then what? You're alone in a strange town with some jag then who has just disposed of you like trash or something. NO WAY dear. NO way - do NOT put yourself in that situation like that, at a man's whim like that, with all of the power and control in HIS hands.

"am I wrong in thinking this is not a good idea?"

No, not at all dear. As a matter of fact, you're using your head here and not letting your emotions steer you wrong. And beyond all I've said above, it is simply NOT a good idea to go meet strange men in strange towns like that, that you've never met before. It's a very compromising situation for you and it's one that you have very little power in - and your gut is already signaling that to you.

Listen to it dear, don't dismiss it. It's a built in survival mechanism and it's sending out a warning ;-); February 3, 2014 at 10:25 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

thank you for the reply. I´ve decided not to respond to him immediately - at the moment I am ill anyway - and later I might respond or not, I will see how I will feel about it later. But if I respond, I will definitely have a phone call with him first as you suggest.

Yes, online dating is a jungle. The best thing is not to take any of the men seriously. (-:

Have a nice week, bye
HopefulWithMen; February 3, 2014 at 10:33 AM
Anonymous said...: I really appreciate your reply, MOA.
Whilst reading through your posts I noticed something else you pointed out: men who do not ask you about your life, interests, etc. This man is very attentive and charming, however he never asks me anything...except when am I going to come see him.
Anyway, finding your blog has been a lot of help to me during this situation! It is hard to not allow emotions to rule, but by letting logic reign and with sound advice such as yours...it is possible! Thank you!

~Perplexed; February 3, 2014 at 7:53 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,
I have struck up a friendship with a guy from an online ad he posted. We text regularly every day. We have met each other and talk on the phone. When I first met him I was not at all attracted to him physically. He was extremely suspicious during the first hour or so and not very open at all. To say the least, I was very uncomfortable. We spent 4 hours together that day and by the end of the day he was holding my hand and smooching. We got to talking and have a lot in common.

He is going through a messy divorce right now. To me he is not ready for another relationship. He says he wants to get to know each other slowly which is fine with me as that is how I think a proper relationship should develop.

I noticed in his ad he said he was a certain age range but when I met him he said he was actually older. This was a lie and I wonder what else he is going to lie about.

As well, he is constantly asking me by text what I am doing with my time. I do not have anything to hide so I just tell him but it feels a bit like he's checking up on me, like he is suspicious.

He is a very guarded individual and hard to get to know but we have very similar values and interests.

My question is: should I keep pursuing this? If another guy asked me for a date, I would go without question. I am torn because I really like the texting guy too. Do you think he is really interested or just wanting some attention during this difficult time.

I would really appreciate your advice. Thank you.

Sara; February 3, 2014 at 9:19 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sara,
"should I keep pursuing this?"

Well dear, there are red flags popping up all over the place. For all you know, this guy's married or involved with someone - not saying he is, just pointing out that you really don't know and that his behavior is sketchy at best, signaling he's got something to hide:

"He was extremely suspicious during the first hour or so and not very open at all...I was very uncomfortable."

"I noticed in his ad he said he was a certain age range but when I met him he said he was actually older. This was a lie"

"it feels a bit like he's checking up on me, like he is suspicious." (When people have something to hide dear, they tend to project that onto others. Meaning, if he's hiding something, he assumes the whole world is out there acting like he is and he's projecting that onto you - when in reality, it's HIM hiding something.)

"He is a very guarded individual and hard to get to know"

This guys incredibly suspicious at best and his behavior is signaling that something is "off" here. You're free to do as you please dear, but like I said, the red flags are already waving everywhere. If he's lying about his age and acting shady in general, he's hiding something. There's no reason whatsoever dear to overlook these signs and proceed dating a liar, ya' know?

Because if you do that, you'll get emotionally involved and may find out someday that this guy's a real con artist and - you'll only have yourself to blame dear, because the writing was on the wall and you dismissed it, ya' know?

I think this man is way too much of a risk for any further involvement. You risk getting hurt here and based on his behavior, the chances of that actually happening are incredibly high :-(; February 4, 2014 at 5:13 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,
I met a great guy online in mid Jan and we've been on two dates which both went great. We stayed in contact during the week but over time his contact became less but was enthusiastic if I sent him something interesting via text. Now it’s me in the boat rowing and he’s just going along for the ride.

Recently he stopped contact for a solid week. Now I know he is under major pressure so I left him to it. Later I sent him a text and he acted overjoyed to hear from me, thanking me for being there for him and telling me how much he appreciated me with terms of endearment and all like there was nothing wrong with us. After that I just decided to let him be and it has been a week again and I have not heard a thing.

I am too embarrassed to text him again. I don’t get it. If he really is as happy with me as he seems why is he just not talking to me anymore? I am tired of rowing. I put down my oars and he has yet to start the boat moving again. What do I do? Should I play his game and pick up the oars and swallow my pride to be supportive of him or just let him go? I also noticed that his hidden profile showed up active again. Should I let him hang there while start to date other people?

Please advise!

Thank you!
Kelly; February 15, 2014 at 9:12 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Kelly,
"I don’t get it. If he really is as happy with me as he seems why is he just not talking to me anymore?"

Well dear, because unfortunately, that's kinda of the name of the game when dating online. Meaning, it's a given that the men you've dated are also dating other women. That's what everyone is there to do, explore their options, which is why you should still be dating as well. Don't put all of your eggs into one man's basket simply because you had a few good dates. Men don't jump into relationships like that and when online, they're easily distracted by the next woman that comes along unfortunately.

So at this point, it's casual dating - no commitments, no relationship, etc. And that means you can't expect relationship treatment (i.e. regular contact, seeing each other regularly, etc.) because - you're only casually dating at this point.

"What do I do?"

If he's not making you happy and things aren't progressing in the manner you like, consider doing this:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/02/dating-feeling-helpless-what-to-do.html; February 16, 2014 at 11:09 AM
Anonymous said...: Thank you, Mirror! It's very empowering reading your reply and the article recommended.
I'm not good at dating multiple people at a time, but I think I should start exploring other options instead if waiting on this guy. I do still hope that it can work out between us as he's the one who clicked the most w/ me after trying online dating for almost a year. He seemed to have the qualities that I look for in a man to settle down with. We've not got much into physical yet, only hugs so far. I felt we are mutual that we both look for a serious relationship, trying to take things slow.

He had done all these sweet moves that seemed he was genuinely interested. He knew I'm a fan of chocolate. The first time we met, he brought me a little bag of all sort of chocolates that he bought from overseas during a trip. There were two weeks after our 2nd date when I had family visit and he respected I would be spending time w/ my family. During that time he sent me a picture of a toy (of my favorite cartoon character that I mentioned to him), and said he bought it for me, which got me so excited and looked forward to next date. However, since then, he has not yet suggested a date :/ and our contact became less...he did respond to my texts w/ legit sentences and faces, apologized for not been in contact due to work situation. Then no word from him again for another week! Not to mention not even a Vday wish! Was I expecting too much?

I'm really disappointed and confused. I decided to give him time and space by no contact from now. Do you think NC approach would work in this case?

Any insight would be appreciated.

Kelly; February 17, 2014 at 4:55 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Kelly,
"Not to mention not even a Vday wish! Was I expecting too much?"

For only two dates dear, I'm sorry but yea, it's expecting a bit much :-( It's expecting "relationship" treatment when it's only been two "casual" dates ya' know?

"Do you think NC approach would work in this case?"

Will it work to bring him back? There are no guarantees in life dear. It all depends on the level of interest he has. But will if work for YOU, to detach emotionally from him and this situation? Yes dear, it will help greatly :-); February 17, 2014 at 5:10 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Started an online relationship with a guy, met him several times, we text and talk all the time. He does not live in the same province as me.

He's a Scorpio and we all know that they are secretive by nature. This one is! When I talk to him he is incredibly shy. I am the one who initiates conversation. After about 15 min he always loosens up a bit. Anyway, perhaps more time together will solve his shyness issues. He calls me all sorts of pet names, like honey, baby, babe, sweetheart, honey. He has no problem with this.

What gets me is this: he started calling me his girlfriend, talks about all the times when we will "be together". He obviously thinks we are in a relationship, and we are, sort of. However, there has never been any discussion about whether either of us is dating or wants to date others. For all I know, he may be talking to other women online to keep his options open. There is no discussion about making plans to take a weekend together or if and when he will be moving here.

I am not dating anyone else. We both said a long-distance relationship will be difficult but he said he wanted to give it a shot. I feel if someone asked me out on a date I would go since I am not married to this fellow and there was no actual talk of any sort of commitment.

My doubts linger on and off about whether to continue this. He does not speak much about his family, children or what he actually does on a daily basis. My big concern is that I am not getting to know the real person here, he's not that open unless I ask a lot of questions. Is he that way due to his private nature, or hiding something?

My question: Is he simply just e-maintaining me, to have me "there" so to speak?

Thank you Teresa; February 23, 2014 at 9:54 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I must confess this online dating thing frustrates me. I am afraid I need your help again.

I have been corresponding with a new man for about two weeks now. He´s been writing regularly and consistently, he seems to be decent, serious my gut is telling me he isn´t lying but... Again this unfortunate but. I don´t know what he really wants. He is from a different town, about two hours from mine, he hasn´t asked for my photo, let alone my number. Last week I wrote to him I had some days off this week - without any hints of meeting, don´t worry, I just wrote generally about my plans for the following week - to which he answered that he definitely wasn´t planning any days off during the same week. Then we exchanged some more emails

Mirror, I´d like to ask you this: How long do you think I should continue this correspondence? Because as you might remember I once corresponded with a man for a couple of weeks, even months and then he disappeared. Should I just stop writing after some more emails without explaining anything or should I continue and see what it will bring about? How would you proceed if you were in this situation?

Thank you - again and I am afraid not the last time - for your kind help. I hope you are fine and have a nice day. And all the ladies too.
HopefulWithMen; February 25, 2014 at 5:23 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Teresa,
"He obviously thinks we are in a relationship, and we are, sort of."

Well, you can't assume that HE truly thinks that...but you can assume that he wants YOU to think that, ya' know? Many people will tell you what they think you want to hear if it means they can get their way with you.

"There is no discussion about making plans to take a weekend together or if and when he will be moving here."

Exactly - that's what I mean. When it's all TALK and no ACTION, you can't take the words seriously. Talk is just talk. It's actions that truly speak and when a man's words do NOT align with his actions, it's a red flag of sorts. At the very least, you can't take their words seriously until their actions also fall in line with them.

"I feel if someone asked me out on a date I would go since I am not married to this fellow and there was no actual talk of any sort of commitment."

Most definitely.

"Is he that way due to his private nature, or hiding something?"

That's the thing dear, he may appear a charming man but the reality is that charmers are sometimes also full of BS - it's how they get their way....they charm people into believing what they're selling ya' know?

"Is he simply just e-maintaining me, to have me "there" so to speak?"

If it's all TALK and no ACTION....then yes dear, that's the sign of BS :-(; February 25, 2014 at 5:25 PM
Anonymous said...: P.s.: Oh, Mirror, I think I forgot to write that he is 4 years younger than me, single, never married. It´s quite unusual that a younger man wrote to me without seeing my photo, actually, it had never happened to me before.; February 25, 2014 at 5:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @HopefulWithMen,
"How long do you think I should continue this correspondence? Because as you might remember I once corresponded with a man for a couple of weeks, even months and then he disappeared. Should I just stop writing after some more emails without explaining anything or should I continue and see what it will bring about? How would you proceed if you were in this situation?"

I'd give this another week and then I'd probably give up. I mean, people are online to date. When these guys get online to date and then sling excuse after excuse about how they're too busy to date....then get the hell outta' there, ya' know, LOL? Some of them have no business being there and I honestly think they're lonely, bored (possibly married or in a relationship) and simply want email/text buddies instead of actual dates.

I'd start to pull back on him. I take a day or two to respond and then I'd probably give up :-( If you don't need a text/email buddy, then there's no point ya' know?; February 25, 2014 at 5:29 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you, Mirror; I agree that if he wanted to meet, he would have already asked for my number. It seems that he is only killing the time. Also, I have realized he´s been writing only from his workplace, never from home in the evenings or at the weekends. Doesn´t he own a computer? I can´t believe it. I may wait a day or two, write one more email and that will be the end I guess. Well, it isn´t easy to keep being optimistic dating online but I´ll try.
Many thanks again,
Hopeful; February 26, 2014 at 11:49 AM
Anonymous said...: I got connected to a guy recently through a dating site. He called me last Tuesday and we spoke for sometime. This was the first call with him and I found him interesting to talk to. He asked me out for a coffee and also enquired what time I finish work. We agreed to meet this Tuesday i.e. today evening. Immediately after the call he sent me a text saying we will meet on Tuesday and good luck (for an event that I was going to last weekend). I replied saying thanks.

He hasn't contacted me till now to set up a place and time for today evening. If he reaches out in the evening, I don't think that is the right approach even if I had agreed last week to meet him today. Is it ok to politely decline today's meeting and suggest Thursday evening or so? Thanks; March 4, 2014 at 1:05 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Mar 4, 1:05 PM,
"Is it ok to politely decline today's meeting and suggest Thursday evening or so?"

I would definitely do that. NEVER give a man the impression that you're willing to sit around and wait for last minute updates/invites etc. from him. If you do that once, he'll take it for granted that you'll always be available to him for last minute situations and he will never be respectful of your time.

If he contacts you tonight, say something to the effect of, "When I didn't hear from you in advance to confirm tonight's meeting, I went ahead and made other plans. If you'd like to meet this Thursday, we can meet at [restaurant name] at [time your available]."

But I will tell you, if he's acting like this already - this isn't a good sign dear. He could be doing this to a lot of women, then getting his wires crossed in the confusion, and be a "no show" ya' know? He could be out there playing games online.

Letting a week go by in the interim like that...I wouldn't even see this meeting tonight as happening and to be honest, given that he's done this...I wouldn't bother giving him the time of day in the future either. It's not that difficult to send a text a day or two in advance, touching base and finalizing plans. If he's that lazy this early on...then he may not even be a man that you want in your life, ya' know? He could be a flake that's lazy, leaves things to the last minute, is unreliable and inconsistent - which is what this behavior is already signaling :-(; March 4, 2014 at 4:47 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks Mirror for the response. As you already guessed he did not contact me and I am not interested even if he contacts me few days later however strong the reason may be! What surprised me is that...this is actually not online dating. It is through a personalized match making service where you pay a premium to register. It is quite a steep fee. The agents contact you after matching profiles and if you agree to speak to the person they share the details with both the parties. Why did he spend so much money to register for this service and behaved like this?Unless he has lot of money to throw around. Now I am losing faith on the quality of profiles with such agencies as well.; March 4, 2014 at 8:30 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA, I just joined eHarmony a month ago. I have not pursued one man and have been letting them make the first move. We go through the motions of asking questions, then get to the email step. Each time, the man gives me his number and asks me to call or text. I have had a few guys say that they are new to online dating. I respond by giving my number (private number) instead. And guess what? They never call. As you said before, when a man gives you his number and asks you to call, that's a good indication he is a lazy player.; March 7, 2014 at 12:02 AM
Anonymous said...: I'm brand new to online dating and trying to "filter" through various men's profiles, but what do you think of a guy that states on his online dating profile that he is a "true romantic." That he loves women that like to be women but knows herself and can take control when she needs to ... he just moved to x-y-z city and finds that too many women like to play games. He doesn't and goes on to say somewhat directly that he is not a player but loves to have fun. Well, I am not exactly feeling reassured by this because in the past, those men that have told me prior to the date that they are "very punctual" have not even showed-up for dates, let alone actually being on time, LOL! Then the ones that claim to be "romantic" have yet to show me their "romantic side." And lastly, the guys that claim not to be "players" and dislike games are precisely the ones that have tried to "play" me.

That would be like me feeling the need to tell my online profile viewers that I am not a slut. Why would I need to say that unless someone has accused me of that in the past? And even then, I probably would not write that on my profile. In no way would I feel I would need state that on my profile if I KNOW I am not a slut. I'd be concerned that just by having that word on there would risk making a negative impression. Besides, it should just be obvious to the guy I date that I am not, therefore I would have no need to even bring that up or reassure him of that to begin with.

So I'm wondering if somehow this guy's need to say things, that should really go without saying, are a tip-off that these are in fact the very things that he's trying to conceal from his prospective dates. If he was really truly NOT a player and actually romantic, why would he even bother defensively mentioning these things before any accusations have taken place and just show-up for dates, be a gentleman and be romantic?

When a man makes a point of telling people that he is not a player, I can't help but think why he would even need to state that at all, unless somewhere in his past, someone has accused him of actually being a player, and that's why he feels the need to reassure prospective mates before they begin doubting him. What do you think all this says of the man, Ms. Mirror? Though he has some really admirable qualities about him, this bothers me a little... Also, is there a difference between a guy's idea of being romantic and a woman's idea of being romantic? When I think of romance, I think of candle-lit dinners, hand-holding and getting to know someone little by little and finally feeling close to someone via many pleasant conversations in a nice atmosphere over time, etc.
And what about guys that just want to hangout and not take me out on actual dates? Do they just wants to be friends? Do guys want to just hangout until he thinks a woman is worth the "investment" of a real date?

Wondering; March 13, 2014 at 8:13 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, have been talking, texting meeting a guy who lives long distance. Talk has been very intense. He loves talking about sex, different scenarios, how beautiful, sexy I am and so on. He does ask how my day was and about other things in my life as well - like he cares.

He suggested we spend some time together for a few days and nights. We have never had sex yet. The fact he mentioned "nights" was a red flag for me. I immediately asked him what "nights" meant, did he mean sex? He said only if it "means something, not a roll in the hay". He always calls me sweetie, sweetheart, beautiful, that I am his GF and always says the right things. How do I know this guy just doesn't want some weekend sex?

Another concern is that he will drop off the texts after 3 days of intense communication - not for long - rest of night or a few hours. I am suspicious he may have another text GF. When I do contact him during these times he drops off, he sounds indifferent or texts only one or two word replies. The intimacy is suddenly gone and I feel alone.

How do I know if his guy is a player? If I am truly his GF should we not have intimacy every day and why does he sound so "off" to me on those days he disappears?

I am really confused. He is such a good sweet talker and sounds like he cares too but I have some concerns he may have other "interests" so to speak.

What is your opinion?

Susan; March 13, 2014 at 9:51 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Wondering,
"he is not a player but loves to have fun."

Umm - okay. That's a man's way of cleaning himself up, LOL. I'm not a player, but I like to play. It is what it is...playa'.

When folks state the obvious, meaning they feel compelled to reassure about things that should be obvious, many times - what they're actually telling you is that they DO these things. They're worried you'll find that out so what they do is overcompensate for it.

If someone states, "trust me" - DON'T. Because here's the thing...I can be trusted. To me, that's a given though - it's a fact. And because of that, I don't feel the need to spell that out for people. I don't feel the need to run around telling everyone they can trust me.

However, if I wasn't honest and I knew I could not be trusted....that's exactly what I'd do. I'd try REAL HARD to hide that. I'd overcompensate for that and I would by hyper-active about trying to hide it, and I would run around trying to convince the world that the opposite was true and that I could be trusted.

"in the past, those men that have told me prior to the date that they are "very punctual" have not even showed-up for dates, let alone actually being on time, LOL! Then the ones that claim to be "romantic" have yet to show me their "romantic side." And lastly, the guys that claim not to be "players" and dislike games are precisely the ones that have tried to "play" me."

Exactly. See what I mean? When you hear stuff like that, it should sound alarm bells in your head. When folks start stating the obvious...be ready...because they're about to screw you and pull exactly what they're attempting to get you to believe they won't pull.

"So I'm wondering if somehow this guy's need to say things, that should really go without saying, are a tip-off that these are in fact the very things that he's trying to conceal from his prospective dates."

Yep. And he's now being hyper-active about concealing it...he's overcompensating...by trying TOO HARD to get you to believe otherwise.

"What do you think all this says of the man, Ms. Mirror?"

Well, let's just look at this one instance, where he talks out of both sides of his mouth, "I'm not a player, but I like to have fun"

Translation: "I'm not a player, but I like to play games."

"is there a difference between a guy's idea of being romantic and a woman's idea of being romantic?"

Yea, that's subjective. . ."based on or influenced by personal feelings, tastes, or opinions."

"And what about guys that just want to hangout and not take me out on actual dates? Do they just wants to be friends? Do guys want to just hangout until he thinks a woman is worth the "investment" of a real date? "

No, they want sex...for free and without lifting a finger. When they start off treating you like a "buddy," like some dude their going to hang out with...that's what they want...a "buddy"....and "eff buddy"...a "F*ck buddy." They want to hookup and they don't want real dates. Don't even accept lame date offers like that. If you do, you'll be an "eff buddy" - plain and simple. When they treat you like a buddy, that's what they want...a buddy (to screw every once in a while without having to lift a finger for you.); March 15, 2014 at 10:41 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Susan,
"He loves talking about sex, different scenarios, how beautiful, sexy I am and so on."

That's inappropriate behavior and it's a red flag dear. He's signaling his motivation to you there....sex.

"He suggested we spend some time together for a few days and nights. We have never had sex yet. The fact he mentioned "nights" was a red flag for me."

Yep, another red flag signaling his motivation...sex.

"He said only if it "means something, not a roll in the hay"

Yea right. Like some guy with sex on the brain that can't stop talking about it and making innuendos about it is....going to refuse it unless it "means" something? No way.

"He always calls me sweetie, sweetheart, beautiful, that I am his GF and always says the right things."

That's just a bunch of flowery talk and a man telling a woman what he thinks she wants to hear so he can get what he wants from her....sex.

"How do I know this guy just doesn't want some weekend sex?"

If HE comes to see YOU. If he takes you out on real dates without expecting something for it. If he calls you regularly and is the one to initiate that contact. If he stops dating other women online and pulls down his profile. If he goes out of his way to do special/nice things for you. If he's willing to stay in his own room and not pressure you for sex. If after meeting you and NOT getting sex from you, he still continues to do all of the above and is happy to do so and doesn't act like a child because he didn't get his way.

"I am suspicious he may have another text GF."

Well he IS dating online and yea, he IS talking to other women there. That's a given - and YOU should be doing the same (still talking to other men there and keeping your options open.)

"How do I know if his guy is a player?"

I'd say he is, without a doubt, a player that's seeking some free and easy sex.

"If I am truly his GF should we not have intimacy every day and why does he sound so "off" to me on those days he disappears?"

Because he's not being genuine, he's being fake which is why he can't keep up the appearance, the facade...because it's a fake one and he can't remain consistent with it :-(

That's the entire reason I advise women to OBSERVE a man's behavior for a LENGTHY period of time before sleeping with him....because players will ALWAYS eventually give themselves away. They can't keep up the lie forever. They forget their lies, they trip themselves up and eventually...give themselves away by behaving inconsistently and unreliably.

"He is such a good sweet talker and sounds like he cares"

That's all just WORDS dear, a bunch of flowery talk. It's a mans ACTIONS (or lack thereof) that truly tell the tale.; March 15, 2014 at 10:53 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks MOA. I feel like I'm learning important lessons here, not just about dating but also about life in general.

"Translation: "I'm not a player, but I like to play games.""

Yeah, just as I suspected...Why would anyone even put that in the same sentence? Jeez. I guess he doesn't realize that this "overcompensation" makes him look real shady. That's the equivalent of a woman saying "I'm not a slut but love to have fun (sleep around)" LOL! Yeah, I'm sure guys would be SO reassured by that.

My question then is: Would most uninformed (non-MOA wisdom) women actually buy this crap? I haven't read enough online profiles to be able to gauge just how bad this one profile is, but my guess is that most legitimate men wouldn't even dare include the word "player" on their profiles if they're serious relationship seeking or marriage-minded men. I just cannot imagine any normal, intelligent woman reading that profile and going, yeah, that right there, he's the guy for me! Look, he even says he isn't a player. How reassuring! I think I've found a gem. Uh, NOT!

You mentioned somewhere on your website that men reveal themselves very early on. If they're this shady on their profile when they're supposedly trying to make a good impression, it's gotta be much worse in person, don't you think? From now on, I will include OVERCOMPENSATION on my red flags list. Sifting through all these profiles is gonna be a lot of work, but I don't want heartache or trouble so I'm gonna stay alert and keep my antennas up.

"They want to hookup, and they don't want real dates. Don't even accept lame date offers like that. "

So if I understood you correctly, a genuinely interested man will skip over the hanging out and go straight for the date (coffee, drinks, dinner) even if it's shortly after meeting someone new? But shady guys will try to get you to hangout, right? I get the basic idea of hanging out, but I'm not 100% certain. Might be a silly question, but what exactly constitutes hanging out?

Is it also safe to assume that the more genuinely interested a man is, the less he will be concerned about spending money or making the so-called "investment" in a woman? And the opposite would also be true: the less a man is willing to spend on you, the less interested he is? I realize this is somewhat of an over-simplistic way of measuring a guy's interest level, but I recall reading one of your writings on how a man should be willing to cover the cost of a date, that it's all part of proving his interest in a woman.

Wondering (continued...); March 17, 2014 at 2:12 AM
Anonymous said...: I'm wondering because I've actually had a guy try to flip that idea onto me, meaning he expected ME to prove myself to HIM by agreeing to hang out time after time with no proper date in sight ('cause it cost him nothin' while I got more and more emotionally invested). It was a very frustrating experience. Basically, it went nowhere since he wasn't budging on his "dating" style and neither was I, so I ended up walking because after a while, it all seemed pointless, and I was very dissatisfied.

Honestly, it's so difficult to even go on one freakin' date because all guys wanna do is hangout, and I am so sick of it. ARGH! Anywho, dating's been giving me a lot of headaches. It feels like one big maze. So far though I've kept my sanity because of you.

"When you hear stuff like that, it should sound alarm bells in your head. When folks start stating the obvious...be ready...because they're about to screw you and pull exactly what they're attempting to get you to believe they won't pull."

Wow, I will definitely keep this one in mind. That's precisely what happens, exactly the way you say. I also HATE when people say "It'll never happen again, I promise you!" and before you know it, they do it again! And you're left wondering if they're just hoping you have poor memory or something... Talk is cheap. That's for sure. I would prefer that they NOT reassure me and just not repeat the same behavior again because they really lose their credibility when they say reassuring things just to make you feel better in that moment and then not back it up! Ugh.

So I am curious as to why so many guys turn to the "dark side" and make playing games and being a playa' their primary motive for online dating? Is it because they're looking for shortcuts to your pants or they just want to grab the upper hand in a situation where they feel women have all the power? Or they just want to feel like they're clever instead of feeling insecure around women? I guess the possibilities are endless.

My final question is: what is the difference between a player and a pick-up artist or are they the same? Sorry if that's a dumb question, but I'd really like to know!

Thanks Ms. Mirror!

Wondering; March 17, 2014 at 2:14 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Wondering,
"Would most uninformed (non-MOA wisdom) women actually buy this crap?"

Insecure women that don't feel good about themselves will dear. Women that WANT to believe and are trusting without reason to be, ya' know?

"So if I understood you correctly, a genuinely interested man will skip over the hanging out and go straight for the date (coffee, drinks, dinner) even if it's shortly after meeting someone new?"

Well, here's an easy way to look at it:

Gentleman RESPECT women and strive to IMPRESS them and treat them SPECIAL.

Players, flakes and lazy men seeking sex will NOT approach dating in the traditional manner - they're all about INSTANT GRATIFICATION.

"what exactly constitutes hanging out?"

When the man isn't trying to IMPRESS you, treat you SPECIAL or DATE you (traditionally) and instead, he's inviting himself over to your place and/or inviting you over to his to "hang out"...on his exciting sofa.

"Is it also safe to assume that the more genuinely interested a man is, the less he will be concerned about spending money or making the so-called "investment" in a woman?"

Genuinely interested and/or a true gentleman...yep - true.

"the less a man is willing to spend on you, the less interested he is?"

Less interested and probably not a true gentleman (lazy player type seeking something for nothing).

"I recall reading one of your writings on how a man should be willing to cover the cost of a date, that it's all part of proving his interest in a woman."

Not only that...a true GENTLEMAN instinctually understand that his willingness to prove himself a leader and provider is directly associated with his masculinity:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/02/pay-for-a-date.html

Cont...; March 17, 2014 at 5:33 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "I am curious as to why so many guys turn to the "dark side" and make playing games and being a playa' their primary motive for online dating?"

Because they're being encouraged by PUA's (pick up artists) to use psychologically damaging tactics to successfully "bed" women....instead of being encouraged to be REAL MEN:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/05/what-is-the-game-pick-up-artist.html

"Is it because they're looking for shortcuts to your pants or they just want to grab the upper hand in a situation where they feel women have all the power? Or they just want to feel like they're clever instead of feeling insecure around women?"

My personal opinion is that men who aren't willing to prove themselves a good provider and leader to women are...one word...insecure. They don't have the confidence to truly "man up" and PROVE themselves as men. They feel that simply because they possess male genitalia - that should be enough. They fail to realize that's not what makes you a "man" in society's eyes (or womens). What makes you a man is PROVING yourself one via hard work, determination and leadership qualities - all of which insecure men lack. So they take shortcuts instead using damaging psychological tactics.

"what is the difference between a player and a pick-up artist or are they the same?"

These days, there just about the same. Only now, they're out there behaving like sociopaths and are proud of it. I watched the show on Bravo called, "Rituals of Online Dating: The American Male:"

http://www.bravotv.com/online-dating-rituals-of-the-american-male

And here are video clips: http://www.bravotv.com/online-dating-rituals-of-the-american-male/videos

And here are notes I took from the men on that show:

- "I've been on 300 first dates"

(THIS is why many like to "hang out" - can you imagine the cost of 300 REAL first dates? Guys who want to "hang out"....are "hanging out" (and sleeping) with lots of women, usually in rotation. There's Sunday afternoon gal, Friday night girl, Saturday girl....you get the idea - your day - your turn.)

- "There are millions and millions of women at my fingertips. . .all I have to do is say 'hello,' that's all it takes."

- "I'm looking for the girls that are fresh...the 'newbies'...you can mold them."

- "Online dating is like a full time job, I'm hustling online all the time."

- "It's like a game...I enjoy messing with women's minds. . .I like to see their reaction."

NEVER, and I mean never give these men the benefit of doubt these days dear. Don't make excuses for poor treatment and bad behavior. If you do....you're most likely going to be in the midst of having the wool pulled over your eyes....while not even realizing it :-(; March 17, 2014 at 5:33 PM
Anonymous said...: Great, thank you so much for clarifying all that for me, Ms. Mirror. I'll will definitely keep all of your points in mind when meeting/dating men. It takes all lot of conviction, determination and mental strength to do all of the things you suggest but anything that's worth anything in this world is never easy so I am not about to let the difficulty, and many times, the loneliness and pain of following all of this, deter me in any way. I've come too far and will stick with this. (I am currently doing NC, not to get the guy back but to get myself emotionally untangled from his stunt pulling ass.) Thanks again. I think you are helping a ton of women change their lives and live with confidence and strength. You've certainly changed my life.

Wondering; March 18, 2014 at 4:55 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

In a long-distance relationship with guy for 3 mos. Mostly text and phone calls but we have met a few times.

Have some grave concerns about his honesty. Maybe I am too suspicious. Over the past mos there are have been instances when he suddenly drops our text talk and returns 9 hrs later or next day. He always comes back but there is no explanation for the absences. Many times I have told myself I am dropping this guy but then I think maybe there are legitimate reasons - he has things to do, go to work, buy groceries, etc. I don't want to judge especially if there is a plausible reason.

He says we are just getting to know each other - which is true and he wants to take it "slow" which I do not mind. We have NOT slept together yet. He talks about my sexy ass, etc. but we also talk about non-sexual things a fair bit also.

Just yesterday I was certain I was dropping this guy. We were texting for about 15 minutes, I send him a really supportive text and tried to cheer up his gloomy day. I waited all night and there was no answer. I sent him a text saying he was wasting my time (cause he was and I thought it was rude). Next morning he thinks our relationship is over and said glad I was finally honest as he was falling for me. He said it would have been embarrassing this weekend. I ask him what "this weekend meant". It is now Thursday. He said he was going to come here and see me but now is not. What? He never said one word to me that he was coming here, why not ask if I will be around or if its okay. Do you think this sounds right, especially when he suddenly backtracks to say he's not coming now?
He said sorry the reason he could not reply yesterday was that he got called away to work - when he told me earlier in the day he had a few days off. Possibly lying?

Another upsetting situation - tonite I send him a sweet text - no reply all night! What is going on??? I think something is really fishy here. Do you think he has another GF?

I really need your advice.

Janice.; March 21, 2014 at 12:19 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Janice,
"I don't want to judge especially if there is a plausible reason"

And what would a plausible reason be dear? Meaning, what's a good excuse for ignorance? Because in my opinion, there are very few. If he has to go buy groceries, it takes all of two seconds to tell you that. If he has to go to work, same thing. So to me, those are NOT plausible reasons for ignorance. (But they are examples of a woman issuing the benefit of doubt to a man, giving him absolutely no reason to explain himself because the woman is already explaining away his behavior for him, ya' know?)

"He said it would have been embarrassing this weekend. I ask him what "this weekend meant". It is now Thursday. He said he was going to come here and see me but now is not. What? He never said one word to me that he was coming here, why not ask if I will be around or if its okay."

Because that's a bunch of manipulative BS. It's emotional manipulation and he's "guilting" you into sticking around. This guy knows exactly how to deflect things off of himself and right onto another. He knows how to shift the focus off of what he's done wrong, and onto another person instead.

"Do you think this sounds right, especially when he suddenly backtracks to say he's not coming now?"

No, I think that's a bunch of BS he pulled out of his pocket at the last minute to emotionally manipulate you into feeling guilty for calling him on his ignorance.

"He said sorry the reason he could not reply yesterday was that he got called away to work - when he told me earlier in the day he had a few days off. Possibly lying?"

More than likely that's total BS. And let's just GIVE him the benefit of doubt here for a second. Let's just say, "Yep, he was called out to work." Does that give him an excuse to be ignorant? Nope. Is it just way too difficult under those circumstances to take two seconds to inform you of that before disappearing. Nope.

True or not - there's no plausible excuse for ignorance there.

"Another upsetting situation - tonite I send him a sweet text - no reply all night! What is going on??? I think something is really fishy here. Do you think he has another GF?"

He's either involved with someone else, married, an incredibly ignorant man that's displaying a pattern of ignorance and selfishness or...he's a player, playing the game.

Either way you slice it dear - there's no excuse to treat someone like this, particularly without valid explanation. If he cares this little about you in the beginning and shows you this little attention now....what do you think life with a man like this would be say...3 years from now?

It would be absolute misery, with you feeling anxious and worried all the time, scratching at him for more and him leaving you feeling "less" somehow...that's no one's idea of Prince Charming dear. If dating him becomes this unenjoyable this early on...the future with a man like this would only be worse dear. When a man takes a woman for granted this early on (that she'll stick around and still be there even when treated with disregard like this)...these types of guys don't get better as time goes on dear. They get worse. :-(; March 21, 2014 at 8:32 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

So I just watched last night's episode of "Rituals of Online Dating: The American Male" that you mentioned earlier, and one of the guys on there (perhaps you watched it too) decided to move on because the girl didn't sleep with him the night they met. Really?? Is this what guys are expecting from online dating these days?! The guy gets one point for meeting her in a public place. Maybe they had drinks or dinner or something (better than the crap I've been offered), and at least it wasn't just come over to my place or him inviting himself over to her place. Still, it was disturbing how quickly he lost interest in her because he didn't get laid that very same night.

The other guy actually seemed like a decent guy and appeared to be interested in developing a more meaningful relationship. Despite the nice evening he & his date had, I remember thinking as I was watching the show, that you would not approve of the girl agreeing to see him on such short notice! How do you feel about her agreeing to go on this "spontaneous" date during which they seemed to hit it off quite well? I think I was simply amazed at how "put together" she looked on such short notice!

I did get a little dizzy seeing how the guys would literally e-mail fifty women and wait a few seconds to see which one bites the bait and go on a date based on who takes it. If one didn't work out, they had other women within reach so they were never out of options. I guess guys really do rely on the numbers game? I'm stunned more than anything. The whole process seems so unromantic the way the guys seem to view dating. They really don't appear to be all that picky about who they date (except for the really agressive woman that got rejected by the decent guy. Even I knew she was too much. But she seemed truly puzzled as to why her date was cut short.)

Amazed; March 21, 2014 at 10:40 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Amazed,
"one of the guys on there (perhaps you watched it too) decided to move on because the girl didn't sleep with him the night they met. Really?? it was disturbing how quickly he lost interest in her because he didn't get laid that very same night."

And what you have to realize there is that - that man does not want a relationship. Regardless of what comes out of his mouth, his actions signify that he isn't interested in a real relationship...he's only interested in sex. So when men like that walk away from you for not receiving sex on the first date...thank you lucky stars for it because that's a selfish, immature man that isn't going to settle down anyway.

"How do you feel about her agreeing to go on this "spontaneous" date during which they seemed to hit it off quite well?"

I don't advocate dating like that because....did you notice how much it's like speed dating? It's like, here's a text, meet me here - BOOM they're there...and no one even knows each other's name yet. It's strange and unnatural. And while they may have appeared to hit it off in a sense, the reality is that that's all pretty false...pretty fake, what they're feeling. Because it's unrealistic to get to know someone in that short of a time and that quickly, so the "chemistry" they felt...you can't put that much weight on it. And what happens in many situations like that is that people mistake sexual attractions for "chemistry" and they're two different things. You can feel an immediate attraction to someone....but end up really not liking them two or three dates later. And then you realize that what you thought you were feeling was actually just a very superficial, physical/sexual type of an attraction..and not a true one.

"I guess guys really do rely on the numbers game?"

Absolutely dear, many approach dating like that, particularly these days.

"The whole process seems so unromantic the way the guys seem to view dating."

Exactly, because they're treating it like a sport - like a game. They're not taking it seriously and they're caught up in this loop of instant self-gratification, which makes them very unattractive to good women and also signals them as unhealthy mates to good women on a subconscious level. If a man cannot be serious about his personal life and he treats it like a game, like a sport, and he approaches it like a predator...he's not going to be a good mate. He's going to game YOU as well, relationship or not, to get what he wants all the time and he's going to be very "cold" in the emotional department. He's going to be very selfish and because of that, he's not going to be able to be a very good provider because he's unwilling to be and he's not taking his personal life seriously. And if you are part of his personal life - then that means he won't take you seriously either.

Those guys are simply, in one word - unattractive. They are unattractive to good women as a mate and the things they do, the things they say, the way they act, how selfish they are and the stupidity that flies out of their mouth...is unattractive. The only people that are attracted to those qualities in another....are people who are just like them. People who are equally shallow, equally as uninteresting, and equally interested in instant gratification. Like attracts like. Meaning, energies that are similar are drawn to one another generally speaking.

Cont...; March 22, 2014 at 10:02 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "They really don't appear to be all that picky about who they date"

No, which is why when women beat themselves up about their looks, their weight, etc. it's pointless. Men aren't that picky about those things as they would generally have you believe.

But as you can see, it's crucial when dating online to "filter" through the men there. You can go on a date and think you've met the man of your dreams when meanwhile, he's using the restroom to text 3 other women to see if one of them will meet up with him after his date with you is over. That's why it pays to go through the traditional process even online. 1) Introduction (online), 2) telephone call, 3) formal date. Because many of the players approaching dating like sport won't do that. They won't go through the traditional methods. At the very least, men who are more serious about their personal lives will be willing to invest more upfront like that.; March 22, 2014 at 10:02 AM
chk61 said...: @Amazed and Mirror:

I have to wonder if the PUA (pick up artist), "Game" culture and online dating is insidiously turning more males into sociopaths. The fact that there ARE women who will sleep with men they met online on the first, second date certainly isn't helping matters. Yet the fact that there are so many men who will treat women badly IF they can get away with it is sobering. I've asked this question before but I still wonder: do these men lack a conscience? Do they ever wake up in the middle of the night wracked with guilt thinking how badly they treated that nice woman who was just looking for love? Do they ever take accountability for their actions, and/or apologize for being cold and uncaring about another human being's feelings?

I realize there are women who are badly behaved as well. Yet (although there are certainly women who use men sexually) they are less apt to use a man's body and then toss it away like a half eaten sandwich, feeling no guilt, remorse or sadness. Men complain that women use them for their wallets. It seems to me that for a woman, being used by a man for sex has more far-reaching emotional consequences than for a man feeling used because he paid for dinner a couple of times.

I know there are instances where men realize they have behaved badly. I have had men contact me years later apologizing for bad behavior.

I recently had a first online date with a man. We had pleasant, effortless conversation, seemed matched yet he decided, since I made it clear there would be no "action" on a first date with a COMPLETE STRANGER, that we had no "chemistry". He also told me that he felt "at our age" (50's) that I should have answered more questions on the online dating site about sex. I told him it was odd and unseemly for me, as a woman, to answer questions about sex to a virtual audience of complete strangers. What am I, a hooker? Why on earth would I offer this information? His response: "I'm torn about the sex questions. I see your point, but at our age it's also good to have some info going in". This man wanted to know his chances for having sex with me even *before* we met. He didn't want to waste his time. Unbelievable. This is what is happening in the culture.

And the "player" who disappeared on me clearly looks at dating as a game, a game that HE is going to win. He is a semi-professional athlete - doesn't he get his competitive ya-ya's out playing ball with his dudes? He even told me on our first date that he had read "The Game" (the bible for the PUA community). I guess that was his warning to me but I was charmed by him and just chocked it up to male bravado. Why does he have to "game" an unsuspecting woman and leave her emotionally battered for months, years to come? Do these men realize what they are doing to women? Why do they not care?

Not looking for answers, I know the answers. Just venting.

It's sad to think that in today's culture, a woman can go on a first date with a man, have a great time, and as Mirror points out, he goes to the restroom to set up dates with 3 other women. Always looking or something "better". Online dating DOES provide this opportunity for men. I know of one men who slept with 20 different women, doing online dating. I don't believe he was exaggerating. Online dating provides men with their primary fantasy: access to a huge never-ending variety of sex partners. This possibility makes many men never want to settle down with ONE woman.; March 22, 2014 at 11:02 AM
chk61 said...: (continued)

I know that women CAN meet good men online dating. I have three friends who are in committed relationships with men they met online. But there are a LOT of players who are getting their egos stroked by the ready access to hundreds of women at their fingertips. And many women are jumping at the opportunity to do just that, making it difficult for real relationships to flourish AND helping create a generation of male sociopaths.

I can't imagine having kids and having to raise girls in this culture. Internet porn has also seriously influenced the minds of young boys, and girls. It's sad...how the ready access to these images, even with "parental controls", will damage young minds. I'm a pretty liberal person but the images (from magazines) I saw as a kid were tame compared to what one can find on the internet. AND - it wasn't easy to obtain porn back then...NOW, just turn on your computer. In the privacy of your own home - anything you want, any fetish, any position, any movie.

To the younger ladies, beware. Mirror is right. Don't rush into intimacy with a man, especially one you met online. Don't reward him with your body just because he is handsome and charming and he seems to really like you. Behind that alluring, sexy, attractive smile may be a sociopath who will use your body and literally have no interest in you AND not feel badly about never talking or seeing you again. The risks are far too great. Protect your heart because if you fall for one of these men, you may be looking at months/years of emotional fall out. Take heed!; March 22, 2014 at 11:09 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @chk61,
"I have to wonder if the PUA (pick up artist), "Game" culture and online dating is insidiously turning more males into sociopaths."

I'm convinced that modern society is growing sociopaths at alarming rates. Corporate America is considerably responsible for this as well in my opinion because those personality types are actually REWARDED for that behavior there. They're promoted, praised, hailed - as "determined." When the reality is that those that reach the top, have left track marks on the backs of those beneath them.

"do these men lack a conscience? Do they ever wake up in the middle of the night wracked with guilt thinking how badly they treated that nice woman who was just looking for love? Do they ever take accountability for their actions, and/or apologize for being cold and uncaring about another human being's feelings? "

I've seen it, but only in circumstances where 1) they've aged and they're now all alone and 2) they've experienced a traumatic life event that forced a new perspective. If they don't experience that trauma and they are okay being alone...then some of them are completely fine with living like that.

"He also told me that he felt "at our age" (50's) that I should have answered more questions on the online dating site about sex."

WHAT??!! Okay so...he COMPLETELY gave away his motivation for dating there - sex. Not a relationship, sex. If he wanted a relationship, then he'd be interested in learning more about YOU. Instead, he's more interested in learning more about your sex life...sigh.

"His response: "I'm torn about the sex questions. I see your point, but at our age it's also good to have some info going in"."

Omg, sigh. Okay translation: "It's good for ME to have more information about SEX going in - so I can determine what my chances of receiving it are."

The point of dating is to get to know people. When these guys feel entitled to know things about you without having EARNED the RIGHT to know those personal things about you, without having to have EARNED THE TRUST to know those things about you....they're not interested in a relationship, they're interested in getting laid.

"This man wanted to know his chances for having sex with me even *before* we met. He didn't want to waste his time. Unbelievable."

Exactly. And at HIS AGE, he shouldn't NEED that much information about a woman to achieve success with her...he should've gained some damn skills along the way.

"Why does he have to "game" an unsuspecting woman and leave her emotionally battered for months, years to come? "

Because as above, they lack the social skills and just the skills in general to do this organically and naturally and achieve success. So they seek a magic bullet instead.

Bottom line ladies...if you don't look out for yourself, then you have absolutely no one looking out for you at all. Be your best protector at all times.; March 22, 2014 at 11:39 AM
Anonymous said...: @Mirror, Chk61

Yes, it´s true; our modern, "civilized" society produces sociopaths like on a conveyor belt. And it all starts as early as in school. A class bully is feared not only by his classmates but also by the teachers - at least in my country it´ s like that - because they have virtually no legal right to punish him. Thus young people get used to rude and cruel behaviour at a very early age and consider it to be normal. I really have no idea what might stop this trend because decent people seem to bury their heads into sand instead of taking some measures. Sad.

Anyway, I wish you all a nice weekend and let´s hope for a better world.
Hopeful; March 22, 2014 at 2:23 PM
Anonymous said...: "that man does not want a relationship. his actions signify that he isn't interested in a real relationship...he's only interested in sex."

I see. It seemed like they were on a legitimate date (they were out in public, having dinner or drinks, playing golf) but maybe that aspect of the date was just for tv/show purposes because what the guy was saying was very ungentlemanly.

"did you notice how much it's like speed dating? what happens in many situations like that is that people mistake sexual attractions for "chemistry" and they're two different things. You can feel an immediate attraction to someone....but end up really not liking them two or three dates later. And then you realize that what you thought you were feeling was actually just a very superficial, physical/sexual type of an attraction..and not a true one."

I felt that out of the two guys featured, he seemed more serious about finding a good woman/relationship. I'm not sure I understood you correctly, but whatever mental connection they appeared to have in addition to the physical may or may not be a lasting one because it was still in your opinion, mainly a sexual attraction due to the manner in which it was all set-up? I've never been speed dating or online dating, so forgive me if I'm not getting all this right away, but are you saying that the "speed" at which the guy was able to get the girl to come out on a date with him set a certain tone? I noticed the guy did suggest more "spontaneous" meetings, referring to future dates, and I remember thinking, this girl came out on short notice once already, she better be prepared for more! In any case, they both seemed very pleased with how their interaction went and appeared to be on the right track so I'm a little confused...

"they're treating it like a sport - like a game. They're not taking it seriously and they're caught up in this loop of instant self-gratification"

Yeah, I was struck by how unromantic they're approach was. It was just excitement, their emotional department was shut-off, and they were in some kind of predator or "sport" mode as you say. I really can't relate to that because it's SO different from how women view dating/romance. We're much more emotional and want to actually be into the guy, even a little, if we consider or decide to go out on a date with him. The guy's way of dating just seems so detached.

"If a man cannot be serious about his personal life and he treats it like a game, like a sport, and he approaches it like a predator...he's not going to be a good mate. He's going to game YOU as well, relationship or not, to get what he wants all the time and he's going to be very "cold" in the emotional department. He's going to be very selfish and because of that, he's not going to be able to be a very good provider because he's unwilling to be and he's not taking his personal life seriously. And if you are part of his personal life - then that means he won't take you seriously either."

Makes sense!

"Men aren't that picky about those things as they would generally have you believe."

This is news to me because I always thought men were super picky about a woman's looks. But I guess the truth is that if a girl fits his general criteria, she'll do for him. But this is true only for short-term/hook-ups right? Are there another set of criteria guys use when they're looking for something more serious? Do guys tend to get more picky about the girl's looks or personality if they're out searching for a girlfriend or a long term relationship?; March 22, 2014 at 2:58 PM
Anonymous said...: "it pays to go through the traditional process even online. 1) Introduction (online), 2) telephone call, 3) formal date. Because many of the players approaching dating like sport won't do that. They won't go through the traditional methods. At the very least, men who are more serious about their personal lives will be willing to invest more upfront like that."

Thank you, I will definitely filter and stick with the traditional process as you recommend.

Amazed

Just as I was about to post I saw that chk61 and MOA posted their messages so I'll add this P.S. here:

" I've asked this question before but I still wonder: do these men lack a conscience? Do they ever wake up in the middle of the night wracked with guilt thinking how badly they treated that nice woman who was just looking for love? "

I guess they don't feel guilty because it's just all a GAME to these men. When men play games, whether it's sports or card games, the bottom-line is not to take winning or losing too seriously because afterall, it's just a game. That means the losers (in their world, that would be the women) should complain because if they were smart, they should have known it was all just a game. I don't know, that's just my guess how they justify all the casualties left behind. Men start wars and justify all the carnage because, hey it's a war, what do you expect there to be, roses and dandelions? I think that's their mentality unfortunately from what I've been gathering...sobering is right.

" I have had men contact me years later apologizing for bad behavior. "

Well at least you have the satisfaction of knowing that they were feeling bad about it the whole time. Or maybe they just were desperate.

"This man wanted to know his chances for having sex with me even *before* we met. He didn't want to waste his time. Unbelievable. This is what is happening in the culture."

Wow, that's terrible. What's with all these men looking for virtual guarantees?! Is that how desperate men are for sex? Is it THAT important to them that that really has to be the sole focus/reason for an interaction with women? If that's really the case then they really ARE from another planet. I'm speechless.

"He even told me on our first date that he had read "The Game" (the bible for the PUA community). I guess that was his warning to me but I was charmed by him and just chocked it up to male bravado. Why does he have to "game" an unsuspecting woman and leave her emotionally battered for months, years to come? Do these men realize what they are doing to women? Why do they not care?"

Yeah, I recently had a similar experience with a player. He didn't tell me directly that he was a player like your guy did, but it eventually all came out. At first, he came on real strong and appeared to be sincere when outta nowhere he pulled a stunt on me and left me momentarily confused. What irritates me is that these players these days aren't even good-looking. I mean, the guy that pulled the stunt on me, he wasn't even my type - he was kind of nerdy and socially inept, but I decided to give him a chance because I thought we had something in common, but what did he do with that? He decided to play a game and try to make me feel insecure. Well, thanks to MOA, I knew better than to go running after him, and he is currently getting NC. I think I've managed to turn the tables on him because he's since tried to contact me numerous times, but I haven't responded to a single call or text from him because he hasn't apologized yet & more importantly, I think he's got some problems. He's even tried to get my attention in other ways, but I've ignored ALL of them. Now he's back online trying to get a date so watch out, ladies!!!; March 22, 2014 at 2:58 PM
Anonymous said...: "Online dating provides men with their primary fantasy: access to a huge never-ending variety of sex partners. This possibility makes many men never want to settle down with ONE woman. "

Yeah, this is a problem. MOA, does this influence even the serious-minded men to turn to the "dark side" with this never ending supply of women seemingly at their fingertips? Is the lure too great that it turns even the best-intentioned men out there into ill-intentioned men? Sad to consider this, but is this what's actually happening, along with the "encouragement" of PUA promotors that are in it to make money promoting their so-called "methods" which desperate men latch onto as a way to bed women?

"But there are a LOT of players who are getting their egos stroked by the ready access to hundreds of women at their fingertips. And many women are jumping at the opportunity to do just that, making it difficult for real relationships to flourish AND helping create a generation of male sociopaths."

I think you're right about women contributing to this unfortunate trend... they're certainly not helping, jumping into bed with strange men.

"Don't reward him with your body just because he is handsome and charming and he seems to really like you."

Actually, I've found that some (though not all!) of the handsome types have nothing to prove and have the confidence to treat women well whereas the not so good-looking guys are the ones that feel they need to rely on manipulative tactics to get women, even though in reality, they would do just fine without having to resort to stupid tricks. Sadly, men don't seem to understand that we women look at the WHOLE guy, not just parts of him, and many times, if the guy were just brave enough to be himself, that is enough for us. But just as chk61 said, I think the bottom line is not rushing into the physical. It's important to take your time with men because they're always in such a rush.

"The point of dating is to get to know people. When these guys feel entitled to know things about you without having EARNED the RIGHT to know those personal things about you, without having to have EARNED THE TRUST to know those things about you....they're not interested in a relationship, they're interested in getting laid."

Good points - I will keep these in mind!; March 22, 2014 at 2:59 PM
Anonymous said...: "And at HIS AGE, he shouldn't NEED that much information about a woman to achieve success with her...he should've gained some damn skills along the way."

It's amazing isn't it? The guy that tried to play me was also in his fifties! These men should know better, and just like Mirror says, should have some DAMN SKILLS by this time! What's with these player-wanna-be older men these days??!? His older age was actually one of the reasons why I was for a time actually feeling assured that he wouldn't pull a stupid stunt on me, but I guess age isn't a guarantee these days. Nothing worse than an older guy trying to be some hip playa'. Sad, sad, sad.

"Because as above, they lack the social skills and just the skills in general to do this organically and naturally and achieve success. So they seek a magic bullet instead."

MOA is absolutely right about this. The older player guy that pulled the stunt on me seriously lacked social skills, was awkward in person and on the phone, and I guess tried to take a short-cut to whatever goal he had in mind by pulling a stunt on me because he didn't feel he had the confidence or skills to achieve his goal without relying on some lowly player/PUA tactics. It's really sad because he would have done okay just using the little bit of social skills he did have rather than trying to progress the relationship at whatever "warp" speed he was aiming for. He basically sabotaged it and blew it and wasted both of our time and energies. Anyways, I think he now realizes how badly he screwed up but doesn't know how to apologize (for the mess he created himself) so he's back online trying to date & look for other options. Hopefully he's learned his lesson, and he won't do what he did to me to another woman.

Amazed; March 22, 2014 at 3:00 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and ladies,

Just reading the recent chats and some excellent points made! I think that we women have to make a conscious effort now to turn the tide on this growing trend of on-line, social media, sociopathic and gaming mentality of men. Small ripples...

Obviously we have this community here that is growing and also all your girlfriends who you can help educate on these matters, for example, I was chatting to a friend and she said where on earth are you getting this stuff from? It was just totally foreign to her. I think whoever is within this community is on an empowering journey thanks to Mirror, so it doesn't matter how badly you think you're doing, you are doing good for simply being here :) and most probably a thousand miles advanced than many women out there who are unwittingly falling prey to predatory, selfish men etc etc.

Now I've not wrote for a while but I had a bit of an event that knocked me today and so I've decided to write about it.

Briefly I had an on-going communication with a guy for the best part of last year originally from on-line dating, he would never follow through on a date, until he finally did, I was amazed as he pulled out all the stops to come and see me take me out on a wonderful date, couldn't fault it, got on like a house on fire etc. The opportunity was there to have sex as he had traveled far and booked a hotel but I didn't. If you were to say to me that I wouldn't of heard from him after the date, I wouldn't have believed you.

Anyway nothing...I did find out he was back on-line dating recently after not being on it all year... umm was a bit difficult but I remained silent and wondered if he would get intouch...nothing.

Several weeks ago I noticed on a social media that he was traveling back home to family, which is what happened last time and then he travelled to see me from that point. So I thought I wondered if he'd get in touch...nothing...

I looked to see that this trip has gone ahead and even though I know he is still on-line dating I am still surprised that he has not used this opportunity to come and see me given how well it went last time. It did upset me a bit but I will just carry on in my silence.

During this time I have been on-line myself but I'm just not meeting anyone I like, in fact I'm not meeting anyone and it seems that I'm just paying my subs for nothing but I have to carry on trying to move on.

It is just so difficult finding someone you click with these days, especially on-line and I just feel saddened that he couldn't value/recognise what he found and pursue something with me.

and so I'm just left feeling a bit bewildered and saddened thinking that there could of been something there, was he just after sex? if so why didn't he try again, not that would have been good if that were purely his intentions but it's just a mystery to me and I'm trying to move on but feel like all my efforts are hitting a brick wall of resistance particularly with on-line and things are just not working out for me?

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated

thank you; March 22, 2014 at 3:59 PM
Anonymous said...: i've been doing online dating off and on for years now and it's always been hit and miss. i've actually had several times where we chatted and even exchanged numbers but they just flaked before we ever met in person and i'm not sure why. could you give me some insight?; April 24, 2014 at 12:35 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 24, 12:35 AM,
It's not personal dear and you're not the only one experiencing that. There's an effect that takes place with many men who date online and I refer to it as the "kid in the candy store" effect. So many women, so little time.

Many men there have a tendency to constantly seek something "better" because they're so overwhelmed with all of the options out there that they're stuck in a never ending loop of searching for the next big thing to conquer. Many men there are lazy and going about it with very little effort. And when they sense they may have to work for a woman, work to earn her trust...they simply move on, continuing that search for the ever elusive golden butterfly (that doesn't exist).; April 24, 2014 at 8:20 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

May I ask your opinion/advice on the following:

I've been chatting to someone on-line recently, he appears to be genuine at the moment and no obvious red flags other than whenever he is on-line chatting to me I never see his on-line light illuminated to indicate he is on-line. I've never seen him on-line at other times either.

So I rang Match and spoke to an agent and he said that the only thing he could think it could be is that he may have a select membership which enables to member to be on-line but not showing available i.e there light is not illuminated when they're on-line.

So I'm wondering why someone would choose that type of a membership and is it something for me to be concerned about?

What I know already is he is saying that the whole thing of potential weirdos on the internet, freaks him out a bit and that people can pose as someone else. He had this one woman emailing immediately and keeps asking for his private email with repeated emails to exchange photos just coz he'd winked at her which he finds weird.

He's expressed that he thinks I'm genuine wants to meet me and I've said we'd have to speak first before I'd agree to anything and that's when he came back with the above and said that he thought we should start with proper introductions before we take the next step.

His career in the past has been in an area that is legal and deals with dysfunctional members of society that is my take on that, so I'm thinking is this choice of subscription to appear not available on there, is it one of caution ?? It's not a hidden profile coz you can see his picture but you can never see if he's on-line. Thinking about it, I clicked on him initially from the new members section and then he initiated contacting me, I've never seen him in the on-line now section so maybe this facility stops him from showing on there also.

I'm wondering what the reasons behind this are...now I'm writing this I'm sensing someone who is cautious and intelligent and wants to be in control of who he is available to and who he decides to contact and is this necessarily a bad thing?; April 26, 2014 at 8:53 AM
Anonymous said...: Whenever, I email him back I'm noticing that he picks up my messages immediately and replies quickly even if I've left it a while so it could that he gets the notifications like I do or it could be that he is on-line all the time/most and that's why he's chosen this membership because he doesn't want people knowing he is on-line all the time.

I'm not sure it's that though, as I know some members particular those that maybe on a laptop all day or have got unlimited internet on phones may not bother to log off.

What do you think Mirror?? I'd like to know really before things continue as I want to know he is genuine and appears to be so far. I'm wondering whether his choice to choose this membership is just a way of him being cautious and that it's not necessarily a bad thing or is it?

He's saying that he's only signed up recently, he's in the new members section so seems true but I know people can delete their accounts and resign up, however, I've been on there for nearly 6mths and not seen his picture before, so I know he has least not been a member recently.

Also, he will be able to monitor when and how long I'm on-line and suss out what I'm up to and/or other women he maybe speaking to. Also, I will not know what he's up to ever so is it a way of him hiding his activity to others on purpose and sussing out other peoples?

He say's he thinks I'm genuine but I want to know that he is before things develop and I think we are building up to a possible phone call, which will probably be the thing that illuminates if there is anything wrong, if it goes ahead etc. and he shows that he is genuine to progress things in that way.

I don't know whether to mention that I never see him on-line and see what he comes back with? See if he comes clean with his motive for keeping his on-line activity hidden or whether this is a bad idea?? If so what should I say?? Or should I just wait and see if he moves things forward about a phone call first?

Gosh I'm sounding very suspicious but I don't want to communicate with men who are not genuine and possibly have ulterior motives to mislead, I don't like that energy. I'm not picking up any bad vibe about him only positive other than this matter that needs clearing up.

thank you; April 26, 2014 at 8:57 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 26, 8:53 AM,
"I'm wondering why someone would choose that type of a membership and is it something for me to be concerned about?"

I'm not sure what other benefits come from a Select Membership, but I'm sure there are ones. Probably things like the ability to be able to see that your email has been read, to be online and not have it indicated, to be able to send more VIP communications, etc. I'm sure there's more benefit than just that one thing, so it's hard to say, but worth taking note of.

"He had this one woman emailing immediately and keeps asking for his private email with repeated emails to exchange photos just coz he'd winked at her which he finds weird."

Well, what lots of men there don't realize is that - about 80% of those profiles are fake. There are working girls there (prostitutes) and there are also girls there from other countries looking for a free ride and there are places in Russia in particular, that create profiles of beautiful women - but men are behind them and the objective is to make the man think he's receiving a gorgeous Russian male order bride, send $5k to get her to him - and then he sends the money and never sees the girl...because it's a bunch of men operating a online fraud scheme to bilk money out of desperate men by appealing to their egos.

He may have encountered a situation like that or very similar since he's been there.

"said that he thought we should start with proper introductions before we take the next step"

Yea, and the proper introduction is to actually speak first. I mean heck, even when you meet someone out in the general public, the first thing you do is speak LOL.

"I'm sensing someone who is cautious and intelligent and wants to be in control of who he is available to and who he decides to contact and is this necessarily a bad thing?"

Well, you're assuming a lot there dear. You're giving a complete stranger the benefit of doubt and that's not wise. People need to prove themselves to you first before you give them your trust. So don't issue the benefit of doubt here to him just yet because again, he's a complete and total stranger and all you know is what he's wanted you to know - and for all you know, everything he's said could be a bunch of BS, ya' know? So you can't use what he's shared to make any conclusions about him because what he's shared could be a bunch of crap. You have to see for yourself before you can begin to make any conclusions. You have to speak to him, see if his words align with his actions and see if you're gut senses any mis-steps or things that don't make sense while that's taking place.

"it could be that he is on-line all the time"

I'm not sure about this, but it could be that he's using Match via the app and it's open and running in the background all the time.

Cont...; April 26, 2014 at 10:23 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "I'd like to know really before things continue"

You're not going to know dear, until you're able to speak to this man and spend some time with him. Nothing is a guarantee and because of that, it's wise to keep your guard up, be prepared for some uncertainty, and be prepared to spend some time with him and speaking to him prior to reaching ANY conclusions about him. Truthfully, you have to date someone for months before being able to reach any solid conclusions about them. Which is why the courtship/dating period is a "get to know you" period that takes place over the course of months. It's not the "we've sealed the deal" period just because you've been dating two or three months...it's the "get to know you" period until you reach the commitment period, which is then the "we've sealed the deal" stage. But the dating phase...yea, it's full of uncertainty and no guarantees unfortunately dear, even when you are seeing the person regularly.

"is it a way of him hiding his activity to others on purpose and sussing out other peoples"

Anything is possible dear, which is why you won't get a better feel for any of this until you've spent some time with this man.

"He say's he thinks I'm genuine but I want to know that he is before things develop"

You're not going to get that type of guarantee when dating dear. And you can't look at the dating/courtship phase as something "developing." You have to look at it in a very casual way, like socializing, getting to know the person, and seeing if you think they're a match or not. Just because you have a few dates doesn't mean that somethings developing. The only real thing it means is that you're getting to know each other. You can't really solidly look at anything as "developing" until it reaches the commitment stage. Until then, you have to simply consider it some fun socializing and getting to know different people (because you should be dating more than one man casually - i.e. no sex). If you consider a few dates as something developing and you think that's a guarantee of a relationship and you're putting all of your eggs into one man's basket and you're not dating anyone else...you have a MUCH higher likelihood of getting hurt (when/if the individual suddenly disappears, or decides they don't want a relationship, or starts dating someone else, or simply decides you may not be a match for them).

"I don't know whether to mention that I never see him on-line and see what he comes back with?"

NO! Don't do that. It basically will translate to a man as this, "I'm insecure and I'm worried that you may be talking to other women and trying to hide it - is that what you're doing?" NEVER give a man that impression about yourself because it's a major turn off to them and it'll send them running.

Always assume when dating online that the men ARE talking to other women - and LOTS of them. That's just the name of the game there. And it's the reason YOU should be doing the same exact thing. Everyone is there to date around - there's no harm in that and everyone there knows that what everyone else there is doing.

Cont...; April 26, 2014 at 10:24 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "See if he comes clean with his motive for keeping his on-line activity hidden"

LOL dear, do you honestly think a con-man comes clean just because someone asked? If you were trying to screw someone over and this person said to you, "Are you trying to screw me over" - would you reveal yourself and your motive to them and put the skids to your entire plan...simply because they asked you? No, you would not. The very thing that enables con artists to be able to get over on other people is their ability to comfortably LIE.

"I don't want to communicate with men who are not genuine and possibly have ulterior motives to mislead"

But you're not going to know that dear...until you've not only communicated with them, but spent a significant amount of time with them observing their behavior as well. That's what the dating/courtship phase is for - the "get to know you" phase.

"this matter that needs clearing up"

Here's the deal - this matter will never be cleared up for you prior to meeting this man and spending time with him to see if his words align with his actual behavior. And the matter really doesn't need to be cleared up for everyone, just for you (because fear, insecurity, anxiety and worry are demanding it). You can't project that fear and worry onto someone else and make it their problem, ya' know? If you do, they'll remove themselves from the situation because it will quickly go from being "fun" to being like "work" and not much fun at all. Additionally, strangers are not going to answer to another human being - they're not going to explain themselves or their actions to another stranger because...well, because they don't have to ya' know?

If you're unsure of what to do with how this man is making you feel, instead of projecting that onto him and expecting HIM to alleviate that FOR you....alleviate that for YOURSELF. Acknowledge that you're gut is not comfortable with this, acknowledge that this man is already making you feel bad and worried before you've even met him...and remove yourself from the situation. You cannot control others dear, you can only control your reaction to them. And if you're having a negative reaction to this man...rather than look to HIM for the answer, take control of the situation yourself and remove yourself from it - and that removes the fear, anxiety and worry right there. Don't date men that make you feel bad about yourself, don't date men that sound off alarm bells in your head, don't date men that you're not comfortable with the idea of dating...that's the only thing you can control dear.; April 26, 2014 at 10:24 AM
Gemini50 said...: @ Anonymous April 26 8:53am

Regarding your question why a person would have their online status hidden, I've done the online dating thing a couple times and I had my status hidden as well because I did not want people emailing me when I was on.

In the online dating arena, it seems these companies are pushing a "rush to act and react" behavior. I believe this contributes to many participants not only throwing low-content ridiculous emails out, but also EXPECTING the receivers of their messages to do the same.

I think this guy's explanations are valid. The only way you are going to find out if he is real or not, if he is a player or not, if he is a loser or not, if he is a match or not, is by taking care of yourself first (read Ms Mirror's other pieces here) and going through the process Ms. Mirror explains.

Good luck.; April 26, 2014 at 12:52 PM
Sam said...: Wow, Excellent explanation MOA. I'm not Anonymous who asked the question above, but I have been following your blog for over a year and really enjoyed reading your responses to others and learned from them. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. And Happy Belated Birthday! I remember reading in one of your blogs, you mentioned that you are a Taurus on the Cusp.; April 26, 2014 at 4:49 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I would appreciate your advice. I have been in communication via text and phone with a guy in a long-distance situation for several months. We have met only once. The connection was electric.

We have gotten to know each other at a distance. He is very sweet talking. I have mentioned a couple of times if he will be coming to see me so we can spend "real" time with each other. Each time he says "there is nothing more that I want is to spend time with my princess".

Recently he announced he "loved me". Now I have not responded in kind. I feel affection for him but for heaven's sake how can someone be in love with a person they don't spend time with? He has no problem visiting family from time to time, but for some reason just won't commit to spending time with me.

I am wondering if you think this man just wants to have a "texting" or "phone call" relationship. I want things to move forward, not simply be a text mate to this person. Granted he is going through a divorce right now and at the very beginning of our meeting, he said he wanted us to get to know each other gradually.

Do you think he is genuine? Am I wasting my time? Should I be more patient? I feel we have an amazing connection so am reluctant to just drop him because it's not going my way.

Thank you.; April 26, 2014 at 10:06 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 26, 10:06 PM,
"Recently he announced he "loved me"...how can someone be in love with a person they don't spend time with?"

I don't believe that statement to be genuine, and if he genuinely meant it, he may be getting confused. Meaning, he can love the idea of you being in his life, he can love the idea of having you there to talk to, he can love having someone to text at a moments notice, and he can love the idea of being in love...but to actually be in love with you when he's met you only one time...yea, I'm not buying that one.

In order for someone to be in love with you, they have to know you and that means knowing the majority of all there is to know about you - and much of that is learned via time spent together. Right now, the best connection he can have with you is an intellectual one. But without spending time with you, he doesn't know what it's like to be with you on a Sunday afternoon, he doesn't know what it's like to see you with your family and friends, he doesn't know what it's like when you react to something you're upset about, he doesn't know what it's like to go shopping with you or to an amusement park or a movie or dinner and drinks, he doesn't know what its like to be with you 24/7...he doesn't really truly know ANYTHING about you at all dear, ya' know? And because of that, I do not feel that he can be in love with the real you. But I do believe that, for whatever reason, he wants YOU to THINK he's in love with you.

" he says "there is nothing more that I want is to spend time with my princess...he announced he "loved me"...He has no problem visiting family from time to time, but for some reason just won't commit to spending time with me"

When a man's WORDS do NOT align with his ACTIONS - it's big red flag dear :-(

When a man says one thing and then does something entirely different - he's not being authentic, he's not being genuine and he's not being real.

"Granted he is going through a divorce right now"

Do you know this for a fact? Meaning, have you been to his home and saw this for yourself? Have you spent a significant amount of time in his physical presence to SEE for yourself that there's no other woman around? Because for all you know, he's claiming he's going through a divorce but...he could very well be married and/or currently involved with someone and THAT'S why he's saying he wants to spend time with you but isn't doing anything about it - because maybe he CAN'T, ya' know?

It's very easy for a man to "e-maintain" a relationship with a woman these days, while married or living or involved with someone else and technology helps them do that. As a matter of fact, there are articles written on the subject:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/men-who-emaintain-women-t_b_1016496.html

And in the majority of cases, e-maintaining represents a man keeping his options open (for sex). E-maintaining doesn't represent a man that wants a relationship, it represents a man that wants options - sitting there waiting for him and at his convenience - should he decide to take advantage of it.

Cont...; April 27, 2014 at 9:47 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "I feel we have an amazing connection"

Maybe so dear, but right now, that connection is only intellectual. It's certainly not physical and on an emotional level, it's only based on what he wants you to know about him...and NOT what you've seen for yourself, with your own two eyes while standing next to him or spending time with him, ya' know?

It's similar to what I refer to as the "fantasy" of the man versus the "reality" of the man. Many women have a tendency to glorify a man in their minds, viewing him the best possible light, and dismissing what isn't attractive...leaving them with this glorified fantasy of the man - the "potential" of "what COULD be" - instead of the "reality" of "what ACTUALLY is."

So right now, based on your conversations with him and your one meeting, you're seeing him in the best possible light because...you're not seeing ALL of him dear. You're seeing what COULD be and somewhat dismissing the reality of what actually IS. You're probably thinking, "We got along great, I'm attracted to him and I enjoy talking to him - this COULD be something great." And that's true, maybe it could be.

But the reality is what actually IS, is that he's only made time for you once and from then on, he's e-maintained you. That's the TRUTH of the situation. Sure, it COULD be great - if BOTH parties want it to be. But in this case, you are the one that's becoming emotionally invested into the possibility of what COULD be, the fantasy, instead of the reality of what truly IS - while he is investing absolutely nothing into making what he claims he wants, actually manifest into reality.

Don't focus on what could be. Don't focus on the possibility. Don't buy into the fantasy. Keep your feet firmly planted on the ground. Focus on what truly IS here. Focus on the reality of that. And buy into the reality here. Once you start to see this for what it truly is, the answer will begin to crystalize for you regarding what's best for you here.

When a man makes you feel bad about yourself, doesn't make time for you, says one thing and does another, isn't reliable, doesn't follow through, disappoints you, leaves you confused and questioning things, isn't clear or upfront with you, makes you feel anxious and worried...he's not your Prince Charming dear. As a matter of fact....he's rather toxic to you, to your mental health and well being. Look at all of the negative feelings his behavior is beginning to create within you. You don't want more of that in your life.

You want a man that makes you feel good, valuable, worthy and appreciated. And when you have a man like that, you don't get worried, anxious, confused, feel bad about yourself, etc. You want a man that lifts you up dear, not one that disappoints you regularly and causes you anxiety and worry :-(; April 27, 2014 at 9:48 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,
@Gemini (love your posts by the way :)
Thanks for your comments just want to expand on it if I may.
Yep so he’s definitely on the showing unavailable surf and you’re right I don’t think it’s a necessary a bad thing.

I think the issue that has come up here is an interesting one and there is more than one side to it of whether a person’s profile is genuine and/or is this person genuine and furthermore is the person genuinely interested.
Now I’ve been on-line dating for a year on and off but I’ve nearly done a 6mth stint of it on Match. I was on POF for a while in the past and had some good decent dates but the fakery on there outweighs the good. I think it still occurs on Match but to a lesser degree. I have seen a few photos of famous people on Match and so people will obviously pay good money to take the piss.
There are lots of others that are easy to spot but I’ve had some experiences on there where I’ve got chatting to guys that have feigned interest and I know it is par of the course and not for the faint-hearted but it is a bit frustrating and no-one likes to be conned. I know that there’s the kid in the candy shop effect but I don’t think it’s that reason all the time that I guy disappears on-line.
Don’t get me wrong I’ve had dates but I’ve also had a run where blokes that turn out to be jags and one’s that just disappear and I don’t think it’s necessarily other women as I think these guys would keep their options open to multiple date like we are advised to do. Believe me I would do, I’ve sent it out to the universe, I would like to expand my social circle and if I meet the person for me in that time then great.
Sadly in reality it’s just not been like that and apart from the other week when I came across two jags at the same time, then it’s very sporadic and tends to be just one man coming along, so the eggs in one basket ends up being by default and not choice.
Anyway I’ve gone right off point but from his emails I think he has issue about being wary of the authenticity of profiles and the idea that there could be a sad old man lurking behind the profile of a pretty girl. I have heard Mirror recently in my area that there had been reports from Match about people trying to get money fraudulently so I can believe it when you say about the Russian thing.
Back to my encounter with this guy and he said
“thought we should start with proper introductions before we take the next step" what he meant by that in the context that was missing from my original post is that we had not exchanged names initially and when he started exploring about meeting up I said that I’d have to speak to him first before anything, I was also mindful that we had not exchanged names and since that email and my post to you is that he has emailed me his name and encouraged me to look him up. So I have and he is who he says he is and has a very good position in Law, which I know doesn’t necessarily prove he is a genuine decent person but it does authenticate he is who he is to a certain degree.; April 27, 2014 at 4:53 PM
Anonymous said...: Cont...

Now obviously I’ve looked him up but I’ve not commented on the fact that he’s offered this up and I emailed him back as normal even though I’d not asked for this he hoped that it would reassure me and I’m wondering whether he wanted me to provide something for his reassurance, he didn’t say so though, I’m not on twitter, FB etc. I could provide something that refers to my position but I’m not practicing this at the moment but I would offer him my phone number and invite him to call and he can find out that way by speaking to me to get more of an idea of who I am and my genuiness.

...but what’s happened is he sent another email perfectly fine and chatty but no question and I returned similar with no question. Now he has not come back to me as yet but looked at my profile and so even though he thinks I’m genuine he has already said the whole on-line thing of potential weirdos freaks him out a bit and I’m wondering whether perhaps as he’s offered something up of himself in terms of his name and careers details but I haven’t only my first name of whether this has concerned him.

The thing is my subscription is due to finish in the next few days I’m on the fence whether to renew or not. If I were to mail him my phone number and explain that it was finishing and give him the option to call, would this be chasing him? What do you think I don’t want to do anything stupid, it was a bit ridiculous idea LOL the idea of asking him about his on-line status. Also, when I was talking about things ‘developing’ it was probably the wrong choice of word and meant about progressing onto a phone call and not any grand ideas about having a relationship with this guy LOL. I’ve been here before and had the phone call and it’s absolutely killed it and in the past it’s made the decision for me not to progress to a date other times it’s given me the confidence go ahead and meet the guy coz you can tell a lot when you get chatting to someone on the phone can’t you

This guy is not making me feel bad about myself, I was initially concerned about the on-line thing and I suppose I was trying to protect myself by asking you what you thought as I didn’t want to overlook a possible red flag. All this has not come from my insecurities and projection but from place of wanting to look after myself and protect myself as I’ve had these interactions with jags before, so it does put you on alert. You’re totally right and the only way I can find out is to speak with him and see how it goes etc. Also if what he has said is genuine and he has issues about the perils of on-line dating too which would explain his hidden on-line activity. I’m not assuming this is definitely the case but that is my gut.

So what do you think about it and is it appropriate under the circumstances for me to offer my phone number??

Thank you; April 27, 2014 at 5:02 PM
Anonymous said...: Cont...@ Anonymous April 26 8:53am
Just an update as I finished writing last post I received an e-mail off him and just really chatty. So I'm tempted to just to see how it goes and maybe think about signing up for another month, I was most likely going to talk myself into doing May anyway but it's just got a bit frustrating on there it will be 6mths in May.

...but I need to keep my options open and if I come off there is less likely to be options as my going-out GF can only come out every now and then due to her family commitments. The only thing with frustrating situations is they tend to compound things when they keep occurring but although you have to get on and deal with it focusing on them could create more of the same with the law of attraction and 'what you resists persists'. but difficult when it's in your face. So maybe accepting these experiences and remaining hopeful that things will change is the way to go, as the past doesn't always equal the future hmmm very easy to write. Who knows though it is possible that we could start attracting lots of nice good men.

It's still worth me knowing what you think about me giving him my number and in case I decide not to sign up but with saying that I feel that I would like it to happen organically and him take the lead in asking for it or him leading to take it to the next step to having a phone call.

your thoughts are appreciated
thanks again; April 27, 2014 at 7:17 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Thank you for the very helpful and realistic assessment of the man who is e-maintaining me (previous post to this) Extremely wise and eye-opening advice. What we have is a fantasy here - both on his part and mine.

I believe he is saying he loves me so that I will stick around and keep talking to him. Maybe he does have a girlfriend/wife or lives with someone. I have never asked him directly, should I? Can I expect an honest answer? He told me he has been separated for 3 years, in the middle of a divorce, has a house in another city that his x is living in. However, I go online to the court services, look up his name and see the house he is speaking of is in foreclosure with the bank, so how can his wife be living there? So many questions, and no answers.

He recently got really gross with some sexual talk which disgusted me. He said he wanted to do that to me. I told him I did not like that talk and he said sorry. He always peppers the sex talk with normal talk, asking how my day was, what am I doing, how he loves me, and how he can't wait when we are together. I believe I am being used primarily to satisfy his sexual fantasies.

The best solution I see is to cut all contact off with him, no explanations, no goodbyes. Bringing up the issues with him directly will only be met with more vague, double talk. I have never felt he has been transparent with me. Also and as you say he is causing me nothing but worry, anxiety and confusion.

Thank you Mirror, you are awesome ...; April 27, 2014 at 9:13 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 27, 4:53 PM,
"If I were to mail him my phone number and explain that it was finishing and give him the option to call, would this be chasing him?"

No, that's simply extending an invitation for him to call. As long as you're not the one calling, texting or planning/inviting the date, that's not chasing.; April 28, 2014 at 8:29 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 27, 9:13 PM,
"Maybe he does have a girlfriend/wife or lives with someone. I have never asked him directly, should I? Can I expect an honest answer?"

No, don't bother. If he is doing something like that, he won't come clean and tell you anyway.

"the house he is speaking of is in foreclosure with the bank, so how can his wife be living there?"

It may be possible she's living there until they boot her out. Foreclosures take months and what she's probably doing, is riding out those months mortgage free until the end.

"The best solution I see is to cut all contact off with him, no explanations, no goodbyes. Bringing up the issues with him directly will only be met with more vague, double talk."

I agree dear, unfortunately, he's not leaving you with much choice here, nor is he taking this relationship into any positive direction :-(; April 28, 2014 at 8:34 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,
Really appreciate your helpful suggestions for online dating.

There is a guy who keeps doing email exchanges with me for over 3 weeks without asking me out or giving me his phone number. He lives around 60 miles away from me. I have got over 40 emails from him these days. And he told me his family background and his background. Also he told me he feels pretty awful to date online. But his social circle is really limited. Thats why he signed up Eharmony to meet people. I do not know if he is playing hard to get on me. He is a psychiatrist. Every night he replies my email 20-30 minutes after I respond to his email, usually 2-4 paragraphs. Sometimes I feel like I am writing an essay.

Now I am sending him one email per day with very limited words. See if he is gonna ask my phone number or ask me out. My question is that should I ask him if he has any plans to meet me in person recently or just cut him off.

Thanks a lot for your time.; April 28, 2014 at 10:48 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 28, 10:48 AM,
"My question is that should I ask him if he has any plans to meet me in person recently or just cut him off."

Why not extend your telephone number to him and invite him to call? You should always speak to a man on the phone first prior to meeting him anyway (you can gain a lot of insight through simply conversation and save yourself a lot of grief spending time with men who you may have realized aren't a match had a conversation taken place first.) Because in reality, even when folks meet randomly in public, the first thing they do is speak to one another.

If he doesn't call or follow through, then you're free to move on :-); April 28, 2014 at 4:56 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

Thanks a lot for your suggestion. =)
Today I replied his email by only saying "Pen Pal", don't you think we have done too many email exchanges. He asked me if I mean we should meet in person. And he said he wanted to ask me out last week, but things kept him busy. He plans to come to my city the following week to meet me. Does it sounds like I am chasing him? :-). Anyway, I will see how things go. Have to be strong. Thanks a lot again. =); April 28, 2014 at 11:31 PM
Gemini50 said...: @Ms. Mirror & the Ladies,

Funny article -- in a smh/wtf kind of way. Take care of your selfs first ladies. :-)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/30/online-dating-pickup-lines_n_5207196.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063; May 6, 2014 at 4:46 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gemino50,
OMG, that was so stinkin' funny...and I'm sad to say, pretty much the reality there, particularly if you stay there for a year or two and really soak it all in LOL ;-); May 6, 2014 at 8:03 AM
Anonymous said...: A guy who I have been chatting with almost daily for several months wants to meet me, he wants to buy me a plane ticket to come see him. A couple of my guy friends tell me not to go. So, I guess my question is, if he is buying the plane ticket is it okay to go to him? Although we are almost complete opposites, I really like him (well, as far as I know him that is) and I want to meet him...and of course he says he likes me and says, "If we meet our love can grow." He says a lot of nice things like one day he said concerning us chatting, "I'd miss you horribly after a day, let alone a week." I don't know if that is just talk...maybe I am addicted to his words.
So, one part of me wants to take the plunge and meet him and the other part of me is listening to my guy friends who are telling me not to go to him even if he is buying the plane ticket.
Thank you for listening, sincerely one confused person.; May 28, 2014 at 12:54 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 28, 12:54 PM,
"So, I guess my question is, if he is buying the plane ticket is it okay to go to him?"

I do not advocate women going to the man when dating, particularly for the first date. Because what many women fail to realize is that the first couple of dates set the tone for the entire relationship. Your guy friends...they KNOW this, which is probably a part of why they're telling you not to go.

When a woman goes to the man for the first few dates - you'd better enjoy that routine because chances are, it'll NEVER change, and YOU will ALWAYS be the one expected to travel and go out of your way to see the man. Additionally, when a woman makes accommodations like that for a man early on, it can quickly lead to "taken for granted" territory fast. Men read a lot into that. They read "desperation" into it, they read "eager" into it, they read "accommodating" into it, they read "will jump through hoops for me" into it - not all men - but many do and they don't even realize a lot of times how they're interpreting that behavior from a woman. But trust me, not much of what they interpret from that is helpful to the woman, which is why you need to set the tone of how you expect to be treated, dated and courted....from DAY ONE.

Lastly, it's just dangerous, plain and simple. It's dangerous for a woman to be vulnerable, in an unfamiliar setting, with a strange, unfamiliar man.

"If we meet our love can grow."

Careful dear, that's some smooth talkin' there that can't be taken seriously. It amounts to male "fantasy" talk, where they kinda' start thinking out loud LOL. It's not genuine because in order for "love to grow" - it has to actually EXIST first. And a man that's never met you can't be in love with you unfortunately :-(

"maybe I am addicted to his words."

Forget his words dear - it's ACTIONS that speak louder. Men will say anything to get their way, but you can always tell when they're bluffing by ignoring the words...and asking them to DO SOMETHING about it instead...like perhaps, travel to see you. Travel to see the woman he horribly misses. If he truly did feel that way, he wouldn't think twice about accommodating you and traveling to see you. He can say anything he likes...but what he actually DOES is what tells the tale.

"listening to my guy friends who are telling me not to go to him even if he is buying the plane ticket."

I'm with the boys on this one dear LOL ;-); May 28, 2014 at 5:46 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you! That is what I needed to hear. I think I knew my guy friends are right, I was just letting my feelings block their advice. One guy friend told me that if this guy is serious about what he is saying this early on, he would be worried if he were me lol. I guess, if I am honest, I didn't want to listen them...but they got through enough for me to question the situation before I did something really silly like actually go meet this man. Now, I need to be stern. I have this feeling that he will not come to me. But, that is okay. If that is the case, then I am better off. Thanks, you are a life saver!!; May 29, 2014 at 12:10 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror,

Started long distance relationship 6 mos ago text, talking on phone and meeting - with Scorpio. No sex yet.
He recently came into town (not special trip for me) to see mom for mom for mother's day. He stopped by my city on his way. Told him he had to get a motel which he did without complaining. Went to see him there, we talked for several hrs. Got up to leave (as no intention of staying night) and he was all over me physically, kissing, etc. I left as it was late.

Next nite we get together again go to movie, go back to his hotel. He is immediately all over me. Felt seduced but wanted to stay so I did. Wonderful sex and cuddling, wrapped around each other all nite. He hardly said a word to me though very quiet, not even any sex sounds. Had to ask how he was as he laid on his back eyes closed, thought he fell asleep. Said he was just enjoying sensations. Thought it was wierd he was so quiet.

On his way home texts me it was beautiful. However, since then there has been no initiative on his part for future plans. I suggested possibly coming to see him, but got no response. Asked him when he is coming back - I get a vague "I don't know". Getting feeling he is just stringing me along here. Possibly has a girlfriend back home? Not ready (just finished a divorce)?

I need your advice on what to do. Frankly it appears I may have been used. He is e-maintaining me so that when he drops into town in another 3-4 mos I will be there to sleep with him. He continues to text me daily, saying how he is falling in love with me. Stopped texting for 4 days to test him. He writes back asking why the silent treatment and explained his feelings again. Just trying to figure out if I am being played Mirror.

In my opinion, this holds true: Men reveal themselves in their efforts. Their words don't mean a thing". Do you agree with me, should I just drop him? I really need to spend time with someone regularly and do not feel I should settle for this. thank you.

Veronica.; June 1, 2014 at 8:43 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I recently went to Montreal with a bunch of friends and met a cute guy at the club. I was a bit intoxicated and having a lot of fun with my friends and talking to any guys that approached that night. I don't really remember my conversation that night with this particular guy. I just remember that we became Facebook friends and that when he told me he was leaving, I gave him a hug. I left Montreal sunday night and Tuesday night I received a late message from him on Facebook saying 'not very chatty huh? Anyways it was nice to meet you and I hope you had fun at the club" I opened up the message and noticed a message above that one that was apparently sent Sunday afternoon but I never received it until he sent the second message. Anyways we have been communicating on Facebook and I think he is really cute and would be interested in getting to know him. I know he lives like 6 hours away so Im curious why he is messaging me in the first place. I want to play it cool and let him know I'm interested without seeming too eager or needy but I feel like our conversation is too serious and not that exciting (I'm worried he will get bored). I have a tendency to over think every time I meet a guy I'm interested in because the last two guys I dealt with end up hurting me (one was an ex boyfriend). I am trying to learn my lessons and not repeat the same mistakes but I am having trouble hanging lose and not thinking too much into it. Any advice would be appreciated, thank you.; June 2, 2014 at 10:19 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Veronica,
"he was all over me physically...go back to his hotel. He is immediately all over me...I suggested possibly coming to see him, but got no response. Asked him when he is coming back - I get a vague "I don't know"

Ugh, I'm sorry dear...but this was a hookup. I don't believe this man has any intentions of a budding romance here :-(

"He is e-maintaining me so that when he drops into town in another 3-4 mos I will be there to sleep with him."

For another hookup.

"He continues to text me daily, saying how he is falling in love with me."

Do NOT buy into that for one minute dear. Just don't even let yourself think it. A man who is genuinely falling in love does not do this, "I suggested possibly coming to see him, but got no response. Asked him when he is coming back - I get a vague "I don't know."

"Do you agree with me, should I just drop him?"

I absolutely, 100%, emphatically agree that ACTIONS speak much louder than WORDS.

"I really need to spend time with someone regularly and do not feel I should settle for this"

I don't feel you should settle either dear. If I were you, before HE disappears and begins ignoring YOU (which he's signaling already that he very well may do), just dissipate like vapor on him. He doesn't deserve an explanation because he used you, made you feel crappy about yourself, and then ignored your visitation communication.

Men who use women as sexual objects, disrespect them and then ignore them - don't deserve your time or your consideration.; June 4, 2014 at 5:39 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jun 2, 10:19 PM,
"I am trying to learn my lessons and not repeat the same mistakes but I am having trouble hanging lose and not thinking too much into it."

You know what to do dear? Treat him as if he's a guy you're not interested in. Seriously, start to think of him as a man that you're really not that romantically interested in and then treat him that way too. Don't be mean, I only mean don't jump on texts, messages, etc. and talk for hours as if you have no life. Give him short bursts of your attention and take your time communicating with him. Slow the pace way down and give yourself plenty of time to get to know him.

And have faith in yourself. Don't feel like you have to jump or perform to keep his attention. If he is genuinely interested, he'll find it curious that you're NOT doing those things...and he'll draw closer. Don't be like every other woman he's encountered (whose actions and responses he can predict)...be the DIFFERENT one ;-); June 4, 2014 at 5:45 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I have been doing that, just taking my time responding back to him and not giving him my entire attention only short bursts. This guy hasn't expressed any interest in me so far in our conversation, we have just been talking about normal stuff like work and tv shows so far. He doesn't flirt or compliment like guys have in the past so I'm not sure what he wants from this. I don't compliment or seem overly eager either, I just respond to him in a friendly manner whenever I do respond. He is a pretty good looking guy so I'm not sure what he wants to do talking to someone who lives 6 hours away. Anyways I am taking my time talking to him and in the meantime still going on with my life and going out meeting new people, thank you for your advice!; June 4, 2014 at 10:05 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello Mirror,

Want everyone to know I have been stinged and damaged by flakey Scorpio man. We had a long distance relationship for 7 mos. I wondered why he never came to see me much. He was the smoothest sweet talker you could imagine ... telling me he loves me, we will be together one day, I am his soul mate and the list goes on. He was in touch with me several times every day.

I really believed I was developing a relationship with him, until I started getting suspicious why he would drop off texts for several hours with no explanation. Since we live long distance, there is no way however to verify anything, such as if he is involved with someone there. He says he would only make love to a woman he had feelings for and that it would never just be a roll in the day. We did have sex a few times. He loves talking about sex and sometimes it is very dirty.

I did a sneaky thing recently by posting on Craiglist, it was phony of course and I used a different name. He said he liked reading them. I advertised I was married and wanted to do casual sexting, wondering if he would reply. Sure enough the next day he did, providing me with his phone number.

I could not BELIEVE a person can do this to a woman's heart - complete lier and cheat. I was having feelings for him. It is so CRUEL. I am both angry and hurt. Anyway I told him it was me and that it was over. No apology, no nothing. What a waste of my life. I am now going to the doctor to get tested for STD's.

Mirror, how I can avoid getting into this situation again? I am very soft hearted and loving. I thought he was too. He sent all sorts of love quotes, we were getting to know each other as people and I thought we really would be together one day - but all he would say is "one day", never anything specific. Help!; June 12, 2014 at 9:22 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jun 12, 9:22 PM,
"Mirror, how I can avoid getting into this situation again?"

1) When a man tells you he enjoys trolling Criagslist personal ads - RUN. Just run. Nothing good, EVER, takes place on Craigslist.

2) When a man's words do NOT line up with his actions "telling me he loves me, we will be together one day, I am his soul mate...he never came to see me much" - it's a warning. Ignore a man's words and focus only on his actions, because it's his actions that tell the truth...not his words. When a man is telling you he loves you and you'll be together but he isn't even bothering to come see you - recognize that something is truly wrong there.

"He sent all sorts of love quotes, we were getting to know each other as people and I thought we really would be together one day - but all he would say is "one day", never anything specific."

Again, that's all just talk dear - those are only words - and people lie. But there actions do NOT lie. Their actions tell the truth. So again, when a man is talk, talk, talking up a good storm...yet doing nothing specific about it - see it for the warning that it truly is...and then protect yourself and walk away dear.; June 14, 2014 at 11:07 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror, need your advice.

Have been in long-distance relationship with a guy for 9 months. He has come here and we spend time in and out of the bedroom. He says on a regular basis that he loves me,and looks forward to me being his wife.

Recently I noticed him disappearing for long periods from our texting - anywhere from 2-8 hrs sometimes in a day. There is usually one day he gives me his entire attention from morning until night. He recently made a concerning comment about looking at the Craig list personals. Says he just likes to read them for fun.

Well I posted a phony ad on there pretending to be someone who was looking to talk all about sex. I could not believe it. He answered it!. I was shocked, hurt and disgusted. I asked why he did this and he gave me BS answers like he was feeling insecure, thought I was pulling away at times, was just looking to talk not meet anyone. Interestingly, I looked at the time of his email reply to the "ad" and it was 5 minutes after he had text me "good morning sweetheart" the same morning!.

Can I assume here he is NOT interested in a committed relationship with me? I consider what he did as cheating.
I think I should be running as fast as I can from him - do you agree? Help!; July 18, 2014 at 12:07 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jul 18, 12:07 AM,
"I noticed him disappearing for long periods from our texting - anywhere from 2-8 hrs sometimes in a day...He recently made a concerning comment about looking at the Craig list personals. Says he just likes to read them for fun."

BIG RED FLAG.

"I posted a phony ad on there pretending to be someone who was looking to talk all about sex. I could not believe it. He answered it!"

Walk away from him - NOW. Before he gives you an STD. He's a liar - game over.

"gave me BS answers like he was feeling insecure"

I repeat this constantly on this site...insecure men do NOT make for good boyfriends, lovers and husbands. Their insecurity causes them to behave strangely and one women is never enough. They generally usually need attention from more than one woman to feel better about themselves as a man.

"I looked at the time of his email reply to the "ad" and it was 5 minutes after he had text me "good morning sweetheart" the same morning!"

He's a liar - gave over. Leave him. If you stay, he'll lie again, and again, and again. He won't change, he'll only hurt you and become more savvy about lying and hiding his activities.

"Can I assume here he is NOT interested in a committed relationship with me? I consider what he did as cheating. I think I should be running as fast as I can from him - do you agree?"

No, he's not interested in a committed relationship. Additionally, he's insecure and incapable of having a healthy one as a result. He's betrayed you - he's lied to you. Game over - he's no longer an option. Cease responding to his communications, do not explain why, he's a liar and doesn't deserve the respect of an explanation from you - and dump him like a hot potato - IMMEDIATELY.; July 18, 2014 at 8:35 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I would like to ask you for your opinion again.I have exchanged a few emails with a man (I haven´t sent him my photo yet). He wrote about his hobbies including yoga. He gave reasons why he likes practising it although "not so much now because I am alone, but some time ago I liked it much more because I used to practise with my ex, soul to soul, body to body". Or another man has written that he likes travelling, with his ex they have travelled all Europe and he would like to have a good travel companion again.

Are these red flags? Aren´t these men over their exes yet? Why do they mention them? I personaly never mention my exes in my emails, let alone the first few ones. Or am I too suspicious?

Thanks for your opinion. I am still reading your advice and I am v e r y grateful to you, it has helped me so much - I will always repeat this to you. (-:

A nice weekend to everyone,
Hopeful; July 19, 2014 at 1:17 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Hopeful,
They are red flags that these men aren't necessarily over their exes. At the very least, they're red flags that these men aren't aware of proper dating etiquette. It's in very poor taste to be discussing your ex when you're attempting to meet someone else. Your focus should be getting to know the other individual, not reminiscing about your ex.

It doesn't mean you can't date these men and explore further just how deeply attached they still are to these women. But if you do, and that type of talk doesn't stop and you find they're extremely attached to these women still - then you need to accept that they're not ready and move on :-); July 21, 2014 at 8:31 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror,

I agree with you as usual.:-) Yes, a year ago I might have given them a chance but after all of my experience of online dating I don´t feel like doing it. There are so many conversation topics other than one´s exes, aren´t they? And some men don´t bother me with their exes...

Thank you, have a nice day,
Hopeful; July 21, 2014 at 11:53 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror!

Which online site do you think is best and has the most men that are serious about dating and relationships? Ones like E-harmony and Match?

A; August 1, 2014 at 1:05 PM
Anonymous said...: Hey MOA!

So I have a situation where I need you to tell me if I'M the one trippin' or not LOL.

I'm scoping out a guy I met online about two weeks ago on E-harmony. He reached out to me first and the first week was of us going thru the A&Q steps where it finally lead to him sending me an email. We chatted back and forth thru there for a couple of days, until I gave him my number and told him to feel free to use it.

Tbh, I don't really like going on there, and I hadn't been on there in months until me and a gf where talking about the website and I logged on outta curiosity. Him and another guy who messaged me caught my eye so I proceeded to communicate with both :) Anyway, that's why I wanted to take it offline with him. The other one I'm still working on LOL :)

Within the next two days I got a friendly introductory text and him asking how my day was going and what I was up to. I text back 3 hours later (I was working), and told him things were great, I was just getting off work, and was probably going to meet w/some friends to grab a drink and watch the ball game (me and him both love the same baseball team). He text me back and stated he was going to his friends house to bbq and watch the game as well, that he'd text me tomorrow, and to enjoy the rest of my night.

I watched pretty closely on whether or not he'd follow thru on his word, and he did...which is good. Like he said he would, he text me the next day and I again took a few hours to get back to him. From there we went back and forth exchanging texts where he clarified more info about me that he got from my profile...like what I did for a living, where I lived (we live an hour from each other), and where I'm originally from because I have an out-of-state area code. In turn we talked about him as well, and also about our baseball team who was in a slump and losing all their games. I ended the convo by telling him to keep his day job (because he predicted our team would win the game that day, which they didn't lol), and I don't wanna hear anymore predictions from him LOL, and to have a nice night. It was all fun and me just taking a jab at him. He laughed and wished me a good night as well.

The following day our team was playing and FINALLY won lol. I texted him and just said, "Finally!" I immediately regretted it lol. I didn't want him to think I was chasing him. He text me back he said, "I know!!! What are you up to?" I waited a while and responded that I was working, hope he was enjoying his day, and that I would speak w/him later. He said, "Sounds good :) Have a good night."

I never texted him again LOL, and a couple days later on Sat he text me and said finally it was the weekend, he started school that Friday (he's a teacher), and he was exhausted already lol. He also asked what I was up to for the weekend. I responded 4 hours later and told him I was at my aunt's house chillin' by the pool, and just responded to him about being tired of school already after only being back a day. I was curious if he'd be a douche and ask for a pic, knowing I was at the pool. He didn't LOL. He just stated, "Oh man, I'm so jealous. I'm on my way to an outdoor wedding and this heat is killing me!" I responded an hour later, and took another jab at him and said, "Sorry for ya!! LOL ;) I hope they have an open bar...enjoy yourself :)"

I guess my question is...why in the hell hasn't he asked me out yet!!! LOL! How long should I give him before I pull a fade away and just stop responding to him? I'm getting...impatient LOL. I think I'm just so use to guys getting right to it. I'm not sure if it's me just tryna rush this more than I need to, or if he's taking his time tryna scope me out too, or if he just wants a text buddy :/ I'm not sure of his intentions so far.

I'll NEVER ask him out or initiate contact, but I'm just wondering what's a good timeframe to give him before I just disappear for good?; August 4, 2014 at 1:17 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @A,
I'd say eHarmony, and then Match, although you'll have to filter a lot there. I'd stay away from Plenty O'Fish because there are men advertising there for sex and hookups in a blatant manner. I'd steer towards the paid sites because the free sites seem to get a lot more folks that aren't real serious about dating on them, those that use if for hookups instead.; August 4, 2014 at 12:09 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Aug 4, 1:17 AM,
"why in the hell hasn't he asked me out yet!"

Because some of these men are just looking for "text buddies" and others are waiting for the WOMAN to do the man's job of leading - and being very lazy about dating :-(

"How long should I give him before I pull a fade away and just stop responding to him?"

That's up to you, but I wouldn't let this drag on for more than a few weeks if he's not manning up and leading things anywhere.

"what's a good timeframe to give him before I just disappear for good?"

I'd give someone 4 weeks TOPS to get it together and ask for a date. If they can't ask for a date within that time frame, then they're not worth waiting on forever.; August 5, 2014 at 4:28 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror! I'm in a long distance relationship (or dating) right now and I referred to this post, along with your others and it really helped me. :)

But I have a question, this guy that I'm having a LDR with told me he loves me. How do I respond? He's a great guy but even though we've known each other for 5 months, we've only met once due to the really really long distance between us. I don't know what to say. I don't want to be rude but also, I just think it's too soon. Also we're still on the "dating" phase and not yet on the "bf-gf" stage.

In what pace would you take a LDR? is saying I love you to someone you know for five months not too soon for LDR's? I'm just really confused >.<

thanks in advance! And also a huge thanks for putting up this blog. You have no idea how much it helps us :D More power!; August 9, 2014 at 7:50 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Aug 9, 7:50 PM,
"is saying I love you to someone you know for five months not too soon for LDR's?"

Well, to me it's not really to soon because of the time involved so much as it's too soon because "we've only met once." You might think you're in love with someone you've only met once, but honestly, that cannot possibly be the case - infatuation, yes - love, no I don't think so. Because in order to truly love someone, you've got to also love all the little things about them, both good and bad. And you cannot possibly know all there is to know about an individual having only met them one time, ya' know?

He doesn't know what you're like when you're upset, mad or angry. He doesn't know what you're like when you're stressed out. He doesn't know what you're like in the mornings or late in the evenings after a bad day. He doesn't know whether or not you like green beans boiled or steamed LOL - know what I mean? He hasn't seen all of the different sides of you there are to know - so how can he reach an informed conclusion when he doesn't have the knowledge yet to do so?

He may be feeling emotions, but he may also be confused about what those are. Infatuation and sexual attraction are very different from love. He may be in love with the idea of being in love and he may be infatuated and sexually attracted to you and that idea...but that's not real love. Real love comes through time spent, and it includes the good, bad and the ugly - none of which he's even had the opportunity to see.; August 11, 2014 at 11:47 AM
Anonymous said...: I know right! by the way I don't like boiled green beans lol. anyway that is exactly what I feel. and that is why I don't know if we should pursue. I like him though. there's certainly a connection and maybe if we do right we can work out? >.< there are couples who started out the same way we are doing. but I also realize that it takes a lot to succeed in this type if relationship and it rarely ever succeed. so I don't know.; August 14, 2014 at 9:12 AM
Anonymous said...: I admit, this site is epic! This is how you create a powerful online presence and do it well. Literate, intelligent and with the pique of human interest- I just keep reading and will be posting in the near future, with my own older woman life experience. Great work!- PDD; August 27, 2014 at 4:53 PM
Cassie said...: Well..I just wrote a very long entry and it got deleted somehow. Don't you love when that happens? Haha.

Anyway, I have been at the online dating thing for a very long time. I have had flings, and been on way too many first dates. I've been in relationships, but mostly with guys I didn't meet online.

Recently I met this guy who seems different from the ones I've been meeting lately. When we started talking he was in another state for a while since he's in the military. So we texted back and forth until the day he asked me out, which was the day after he got back.

I'll admit here, that I sent him the first message. I suggested we should exchange numbers, so we did, and I ended up texting him. Regardless, it seemed like he was genuinely interested even after that. I let him take the lead from there. Then it became him texting me good morning and goodnight and keeping in contact throughout the day. He even sent me pictures of himself so I would send ones of myself back.

The reason I'm writing about this guy to you is because I'm used to meeting guys from this site and being disappointed. I'm used to them being unattractive and way too interested in me. So when I met this guy, I was so surprised at how attractive he was. He was even better than the pictures. I honestly thought, why is he interested in me?!

Anyway, we ended up having a very long first date. It lasted almost three days, and we didn't have sex but we did start fooling around (which I somewhat regretfully initiated). After that, he texted me pretty soon. And then we hung out one more time before he had to leave for another country. So it has been a week and he's gone now until September 10th.

I'm writing to you because after reading some of the stuff in your articles, I'm convinced that I've royally fucked this up. If there is any possible way that he could still be genuinely interested in me as something more than just a fling, then please let me know. I haven't followed your rules perfectly, but I am also not the crazy clingy insecure type of girl. I don't even initiate texts anymore, it's all him. I haven't deleted my dating profile or brought up being in a relationship. But I do really like him, so that's why I'm here.

Do I need to pull back and let him do some of the work? What can I do so that when he gets back I'll know if there's a chance or not? Meanwhile, he's still talking to me every day while he's in this other country. I don't know if that means anything, but he keeps me up to date on where he is and what he's doing, when I don't ever ask.

I have always appreciated your advice, and I think it's amazing that you keep up with all of these comments and answer everyone. I read through a bunch of these before putting mine up, just in case there was someone with a similar story, but unless I missed some, I didn't see any that were like mine.

What do you think?

Thanks, Aphrodite.

-Cassie; September 5, 2014 at 7:49 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Cassie,
"Well..I just wrote a very long entry and it got deleted somehow. Don't you love when that happens?"

I think when it's longer than the max, which I believe is 4,000 characters...you have to break it up into two comments.

"If there is any possible way that he could still be genuinely interested in me as something more than just a fling, then please let me know."

Well, only time will tell dear. I'd suggest that you not "do, do, do" too much to keep this moving along. Don't feel you need to text him or contact him constantly to stay on his radar. Pull back a bit and see if HE comes to YOU. Because the only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested is if HE pursues HER.

This piece might help, it was written by a man:

http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/dont-initiate-contact.html

"I don't even initiate texts anymore, it's all him."

Okay that's a good sign dear :-)

"Do I need to pull back and let him do some of the work?"

Definitely. Healthy relationships are a 2-way street.

"What can I do so that when he gets back I'll know if there's a chance or not?"

Hang loose, let him pursue you, be receptive to him when he does (not overly receptive though, don't "jump" for him, but DO show and verbalize that you appreciate him and his efforts), and when he wants to see you...don't agree to "sofa dates" or hang out sessions at someone's home. Instead, signal that you'd like to be treated like a lady by suggesting formal dates (it will help him maintain a healthy respect for you, if you don't signal that you're willing to be a "party girl" with him or a friend with benefits).

And then go on these formal dates and enjoy yourself, your time with him, and show and verbalize that you appreciate the proper treatment.

"I don't know if that means anything, but he keeps me up to date on where he is and what he's doing, when I don't ever ask."

It's a good sign :-)

"What do you think?"

I think if he's contacting you regularly, isn't just sexting you, asks to see you when you come back and agrees to some formal dates....you should enjoy the relationship, see if things progress along those healthy lines, and lead to something special :-); September 6, 2014 at 10:37 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror mirror on my wall...I'm back (if only you knew which other posts I'd written :)
Having been single for almost 5 years I've decided to be a bit more proactive with my dating life. I'm on Plenty of Fish (arguably not the best website for dating) and Tinder. I'm okay with not finding a relationship until it's an awesome one but I am 100% open to dating and seeing what happens. I'm enjoying the attention but I keep getting disappointed. Case 1. I met a guy in New York (I'm from London) at the beginning of the month thanks to Tinder. We hooked up in New York. It was fun, he has qualities I really want in a guy and this week he's in London! I really thought we would be spending the week together but actually he's being completely aloof. He's texted but only in response to my messages. He was the one in New York that said he wanted to spend time with me in London and now he's cold and doesn't seem to want to make plans with me. Huh? How does that work? Then there's case 2. I went on my first POF date last week with a guy whose been incredibly persistent. Not my usual type but I'm really trying to give this whole thing my best efforts and I agreed to the date. It was good, conversation flowed, he even commented on that. He referenced the second date. Paid for me to get home. Text when I was home to make sure I was back okay and said I was even better in real life. That was over a week ago and I've heard nothing. Then finally, there are the guys who just seem to want pen-pals. Who I have great conversation with but seem to have no real desire to ever want to take me out and when they suggest meeting they actually disappear before it happens. So my question is this...how do I deal with all the disappointment? The Yankee, the POF date, the disappearers? Am I doing something wrong, do I need to change something about me or my approach? Your biggest fan. X; October 23, 2014 at 8:39 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 23, 8:39 AM,
"how do I deal with all the disappointment? The Yankee, the POF date, the disappearers? Am I doing something wrong, do I need to change something about me or my approach?"

No dear, it's not you. Unfortunately, this is the name of the game in online dating. You'll have more than your fair share of experiences like this there regretfully. But just know that it's not you, the same exact thing happens to other women dating online as well.

And I think a couple of things contribute to that. 1) There are men who use these site claiming they want relationships, but in the end, they're serial daters seeking hookups instead. I don't think they realize they say one thing and do another, but they do. 2) Then you have what I call the "kid in a candy store" effect with other men there. So many woman, so little time. And because of that, they keep thinking something "better" will come along, so they pass up 20 great women...waiting for that elusive, non-existent perfect golden butterfly to come along. 3) Online dating attracts a lot of insecure individuals, men and women both. They're there for various reasons, but in the end, their insecurities cause odd, self-defeating behaviors that inhibit things from ever lifting off the ground (like disappearing, not calling, being too passive about dating, waiting for women to make the moves instead, etc.)

There are also those who seem to just want someone to talk to and text, instead of someone to see and date. So you've got a lot of things going on online and wading your way through all of it takes time and effort. I used to joke that online dating was like having a second job LOL. You have to devote hours and time in conversations and communications, filtering through people, etc. for that one great date that ended up being worth the effort.

Look at it as socializing instead of seeking a partner for life, and it'll be much more enjoyable for you. Don't place all your eggs in one mans basket, date around casually (no sex), and get to know people. Because you'll find that even when these men disappear for a week or two...many of them also always return just as quickly LOL ;-); October 24, 2014 at 8:42 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello Mirror,

Need help. Been dating a guy long-distance for a year. He says we will be together one day, I am the "one", he loves and wants me madly. I never know what he does with his spare time or even who his friends are. Whenever I ask what he has been up to, its the same "not much". We talk normal everyday things but he also likes to do sexting. Asked him recently if all he wanted was to do sexting with me and he said no, so I believed him.

Thing is he doesn't call me much on the phone and prefers text. Sometimes he does not answer my text, does not apologize about getting and not responding or explaining. Is it not common courtesy? When I press he gets very defensive and angry, then says it takes time for him to answer at work. Also, there is a consistency that he NEVER gets back to me on Mondays at all. Texts go unanswered then but get a response first thing next morning, and I don't know why. Does this mean he is probably in another relationship?

Also, my friend has an ad up online and to my disgust she said he answered it. He told her that he had not met the right person yet and would like to see where things go. What??

Mirror, what is going on here? He keeps saying over and over how much he loves, needs and wants me. I am horrified.

I feel like dumping him and that I have been betrayed two times over. Your Opinion?

Lisa; November 27, 2014 at 6:35 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lisa,
"Does this mean he is probably in another relationship?"

We can't know for sure - but it doesn't sound good.

"Also, my friend has an ad up online and to my disgust she said he answered it. He told her that he had not met the right person yet and would like to see where things go. What??"

Well - there's your answer dear :-(

"what is going on here?"

He's stringing you along as an "option" it seems.

"I feel like dumping him and that I have been betrayed two times over. Your Opinion?"

This is a SERIOUS betrayal. He's a liar, he's emotionally manipulative, and he's not to be trusted AT ALL. And those are not traits you want in a mate. I'd dump him like a hot potato and never look back. And I'd do it before he got the chance to even THINK about doing it to me FIRST.; November 28, 2014 at 9:36 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello Mirror,

Been in LD relationship with guy for a year. We text all the time, he's come a few times. Lately for the month of Dec notice a distinct pattern of him distancing - i.e. 2-3 day silences and one was for 4 days (over the Christmas holidays). We text tons in previous months and one day was the most he ever went silent.

Over the Christmas holiday week I felt totally ignored and he never phoned me. Prior to the holiday he said this was a bad time of year, anniversary of child's death 12 years ago. He said he would "survive" the holiday. So okay I understood that.

Starting in Jan still noticed silent days so brought it up that I didn't feel he cared and why all those silences. He said at this time of year he goes silent in order to cope. It has nothing to do with me. He cares and loves me me immensely. I am a godsend at this time of year. However, in the conversation he brought up that he is always kept in the dark about me and that I don't say anything about myself. He says with every downward spiral, he lifts his hips up and I go even deeper.

Then I found out he went online and answered a CL sex ad. A buddy put one up for fun to see how many responses she would get and what they would say. She knew it was my BF, told me, and then pursued it a little as a test. She asked a few questions and he said he did not get out much. He started talking really dirty to her also. He said he would like to watch porn with her. What? He told me porn was not for him!! She asked him to send a photo of his "you know what". Shockingly, he sent it to her! I could not believe it!! He has never sent that kind of photo to me. She did not contact him any further and deleted it obviously.

Mirror, do you think this guy is just lying about wanting to space and going silent at this time of year? Especially when he is answering these ads when he supposedly goes "silent". It does not make sense.

Or do you think he is just distancing himself in an attempt to do a fade out and disappear? He said silences were nothing to do with me, but I am hearing a big complaint he has which would suggest otherwise. Is he not being honest with me? Should I just run for the hills now to avoid being dumped? So far now in Jan, even after we talked about it, there are still the 2-3 day silences.

Help! Thank you. Teresa; January 4, 2015 at 5:40 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Teresa,
"Mirror, do you think this guy is just lying about wanting to space and going silent at this time of year?"

Based on his recent Craig's List behavior - yes, absolutely.

"Or do you think he is just distancing himself in an attempt to do a fade out and disappear?"

At this point it really doesn't matter. This guy is most likely, or has most likely, had anonymous sex with strangers via Craig's List ads - and YOU do NOT need to be risking your HEALTH by continuing anything further with a man living that type of lifestyle.

"Is he not being honest with me?"

Clearly he's not being honest about a LOT of things dear :-(

"Should I just run for the hills now"

YES - run, run, run. . .and don't EVER look back dear. This guy is trouble - big trouble.; January 6, 2015 at 4:57 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello Mirror! ! I just found your blog yesterday, I didnt sleep or eat that well just so I can finish reading all your blog haha ,You have no idea how much I have realized and also regret, no wonder I am still single LOL but I am willing to change in order to get the good man I deserve.
I am 25,, met this great man online, he is 30, educated, sweet, believer of God like I am, he paid the first date, second date he paid too, we ate at my place, watched movie and no sex, but on the third date (which were consecutively because we both were free three days in a row that weekend... ) I did what I shouldnt have, we had sex... and I know I have almost lost all my chances but is there anything I can do to fix it? After that third date, I have seen him twice, in which one them, there was sex again, this time in his house, he came to pick me up, he warmed up some food, watched tv, and ending in bed, and after he drove me back home that night becase I had to work early the next day.... And I know it is not a law that he has to disappear right away he gets what he wanted, but he keeps texting me, not as much as I wanted but I try to control myself and wait for his texts...and if i had learned enough, if he takes 1 day to write me, I should wait the same to reply right? and it is not just about sex either, like today he just texted me out of the blue, saying he feels better (because he was sick over the weekend, wanted me to bring him soup but of course I didnt accept) and asked me how i was, anyways
I would appreciate your comments or from any other lady out here smater than me :(
Cristi; January 14, 2015 at 10:36 PM
Anonymous said...: Its nice to see you guys promoting safety & so on but this article has a major slant to it. U are training women to put up an emotional WALL by not being the first to call a guy & so on. Thats elementary school crap & women do not ned to be trained to have a guy pursue them! Guys have taken a hell of a beating with the job market & women have moved up alot in the world. So if women are voting, running corporations, buying expensive houses in the suburbs & being head of household why should they wait on a guy to call them first!

Not to mention when I offer to meet women in a safe public place they either #1 flake, #2 AFTER they flake the first time they meet & realize "gee this guy might be a decent guy WOW". #3 By then the decent guy is confused by this woman & just ends the date formal goes home. #4 This guy gets a call at 2am from same woman & now "shes horny & wants to screw" AFTER saying shes not that type of girl etc. #5 Same woman has no job, car, or plan & can offer guy nothing. Happens to me all the time.

So the article made no mention of women that do nothing to work on THEMSELVES it just promotes "what type of goodies can i get for free outta life/man" & not what can a woman do for herself in the 21st century. Thats the major SLANT this thing has. That turns guys into defensive buttholes with a short fuse to keep meeting women like this!; May 11, 2015 at 9:47 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 11, 9:47 AM,
"if women are voting, running corporations, buying expensive houses in the suburbs & being head of household why should they wait on a guy to call them first"

There are many reasons, the most important of which are:

1) The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested is to see if he pursues her. (If she pursues him, she has no way of knowing whether or not the man is simply being opportunistic and taking her up on her offer (to use her sexually and then disappear when he's done with her), or if he's serious about his intention (a relationship).

2) Sexual aggression in women generally leads to a casual "hookup" situation and not a real long-lasting relationship.

3) Men invite sexual aggression from women - but often times, end up labeling her "crazy" when she brings it on hot and heavy and they often ultimately eventually end up distancing themselves from sexually aggressive women (after they've slept with her once or twice, of course LOL).

4) When dating online, sexually aggressive women end up being used - A LOT - and then soon discarded (because the guy wasn't genuinely interested in the first place, he simply took advantage of the opportunity that presented itself to keep him occupied "in the meantime" until what he perceives as something better has come along).

5) There is a lot of sexual aggression by women in online dating and it tends to create a prolific trend of "lazy" men (maybe not you necessarily, however, many women report experiencing this). There are a lot of men online who sit back, do nothing, don't go on formal dates, don't treat the woman right or special in any way - and then expect to receive sex and access to her body for their "less than honorable" treatment. It's created a slew of men who feel entitled to something for nothing, and leaves a slew of emotionally "damaged" women - that men then complain about. It's a very dysfunctional cycle that goes against the very grain of traditional gender roles (man leads, woman submits). And whether you like it not, yes, our society has changed, however, our DNA has not. Masculine energy (leading, initiating) and feminine energy (submissive) still play a huge unspoken role in dating, mating and relationships that everyone just wants to ignore nowadays - but that does BIG damage ultimately in the big picture of things by creating a lot of emotionally damaged individuals who feel worthless, used and disposable and as a result - end up not ready for the work that REAL relationships (not hookups) require.

"#4 This guy gets a call at 2am from same woman & now "shes horny & wants to screw" AFTER saying shes not that type of girl etc. #5 Same woman has no job, car, or plan & can offer guy nothing. Happens to me all the time."

I imagine it does - like I said, there's a lot of emotionally damaged individuals out there nowadays, both male and female. But as a woman, here's what I'd suggest. I'd suggest that you, as a man, "filter" your dates as well. When a woman flakes ONE TIME on you. . .there is NO SECOND CHANCE. Period, case closed.

That woman is already giving you insight into her behavior and who she is by flaking on you the first time. Don't give women like that the satisfaction of your company as a man or your valuable time.

"guy gets a call at 2am from woman & now "shes horny & wants to screw". . .AFTER saying shes not that type of girl"

This saying works both ways - ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS.

When someone's actions do NOT align with their words - BIG red flag.

Cont. . .; May 11, 2015 at 1:06 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "the article made no mention of women that do nothing to work on THEMSELVES it just promotes "what type of goodies can i get for free outta life/man"

Oh c'mon now, don't be ridiculous. First of all, you're missing the big picture here. It's not about what the woman can get - it's about observing the man's ACTIONS. Good men, gentlemen, and those willing to work hard for life's rewards don't complain about this stuff. They simply do what men have been doing for ages because it makes them feel good - it makes them feel like men. They do what their grandfathers and a lot of their fathers have taught them to do - take the lead, be men, prove your willingness to be a good provider and a stand up guy through your actions and forget about what others think of you or that. Because that's the station in life they've been give - the masculine one.

And while that may make you angry and you think, "Why do I have to prove myself first?" There's a big biological reason for that, that is often overlooked by men. You need to understand that women need to know, quick and upfront, whether or not you're willing or capable of being a good provider. . .because everytime a woman sleeps with you, she risks a pregnancy. And no woman in her right mind wants to have children or a family with a man that's incapable or unwilling of providing or at least contributing to providing for that family. So through the man's actions, the woman gets a better "big picture" idea of whether or not the man is worth the risk.

And I'll only briefly mention as well - other factors here include things like the HPV virus, which can leave a woman sterile and unable to have a family. No woman wants to risk the possibility of her ever having a family on a man that's lazy, didn't lift a finger for her, treated her as disposable - and then yanked away her future.

And let's not forget, many women don't NEED to see what goodies they can get - that's very superficial and for REAL women, that's a laughable statement. Many women take care of themselves. You even said it yourself "running corporations, buying expensive houses in the suburbs & being head of household." So why the hell would a woman sit on a miserable date with a miserable man just to get a damn burger or dinner and a couple drinks? Why would a woman put herself through that when it'd be so much easier to provide that for herself? I'll tell you why. Because the women who signal that they should be treated with respect - are usually the women worth dating. And I'm not talking about the snotty ones running their mouths about this all the time. I'm talking about the women who DON'T go around saying it - and then do something completely different.

Instead, I'm talking about the women who prove they're respectable - through their own RESPECTABLE actions towards YOU. (Which is why I'm suggesting that when a woman flakes on you once, she gets NO second chance.)

Lastly, read through the comments on this site. If you do, you'll see that this site isn't about getting the guy as much as it's about self-improvement, self-love, confidence, knowing your value, not letting others use you - and being the change that you want to see in others. Half the time, all we're talking about in the comments on this site are ways for women to work on themselves. . .and forget about the men who don't deserve them and treated them as disposable.

Investing in yourself is always the safest bet and the fastest track to improving your life, your lifestyle, your experiences, etc.

Cont. . .; May 11, 2015 at 1:07 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "That turns guys into defensive buttholes with a short fuse to keep meeting women like this"

Actually - I think it's the flakey, wishy washy women who say one thing and then do another that are the one's doing this.

The women that are given second chances when their actions have already proved they're less than trustworthy and don't deserve a second chance. They're the one's turning guys into defensive buttholes with short fuses LOL. Hell, that type of treatment and being taken for granted drives anyone mad - man or woman. Which is why you don't give people like that the pleasure of your company. . .man or woman. Because when you do, emotional damage is done. When people treat each other poorly, emotional damage is done that "sticks" and then keeps individuals incapable of doing, or being WILLING, to do the work that real relationships require. (Not hookups, which require very little effort.)

And while I realize you may agree with none of this - I will thank you for stepping forward as a man and commenting here in a sea of women LOL. It doesn't happen often but when it does, it's always a valuable conversation so thanks for doing so and participating here.

And if you agree with none of this, it's okay - we can agree to disagree. Either way, thanks for participating and sharing your experiences ;-); May 11, 2015 at 1:07 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
An interesting read on the Co-Founder of the dating site Tinder's view of why harassment from men happens on that dating site, and others:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/05/20/sean-rad-tinder-harassment-women_n_7346480.html

He says "I think a lot of the times, what you see is, men don’t know what to do, so it’s not they’re inherently creepy or bad, they just genuinely don’t know what to say, so they resort to stupid things. That’s the unfortunate reality."

To which the author responds "Rad's analysis is insulting to men and women. Are men truly as dumb and ignorant as he makes them out to be? And if so, is it really the responsibility of female Tinder users to turn offensive dudes into decent human beings? To both, I say, swipe left."

Check out the visual example of a text exchange a female Tinder user posted to the Tinder Nightmares Instagram account as well. . .sigh ;-); May 21, 2015 at 10:12 AM
Anonymous said...: Thank you for this, I wish I'd found it before I went online, it would have saved me some time.

I can't get online to work for me, all they want is sex regardless, maybe you could give me some insight? I can think of a few things that would put men off online but surely there's a way to overcome them, they haven't been much of a problem offline dating.

I'm a difficult fit, I have an unconventional background and a chronic invisible illness for the last 25 years (similar to rheumatoid arthritis), I've recently retired from my main profession (promotions and dancer) but I've always been a subcontractor or self employed so between work seasons and relapses long periods without work are something I budget for and expect. No one offline has ever said it was a problem beyond all the travelling I was doing with contract work but online both are instant deal breakers. I still get lots of dates, but with creeps.

I've toned my look down since I retired and do not post anything that could be taken the wrong way but I look how I look and there isn't a lot I can do about it, changing my main photo to one when I had dark hair did get a better reception (I'm blonde) but nothing else helped, my inbox is full of garbage and the men I want to talk to are suspicious of me. I also have no idea how to cover the "what do you" do question. Maybe I should scrap online? It doesn't show me in my best light.; June 8, 2015 at 2:22 PM
Anonymous said...: How do you vet men online, aside from the obvious weird pics, evasiveness, sex innuendo etc? I tried the picture search (dragging profile pics into the google search bar) but couldn't get it to work. After seeing a few oddly worded profiles on dating sites I had a hunch so opened an account on an adult site (hidden and blank so no one can see or contact me, I'm dating not looking for hookups), I could cross check profiles of the men who were contacting me on the dating sites by putting their user name into the search members bar or browsing their age and area, most were silly enough to use the same user name and photos. Because they can't say certain things on dating sites they can on adult sites it all comes out, I have busted so many married men who claim to be single, men into fetishes and sadistic perversions, and worst of all men who are into couples and parties and don't practice safe sex, mostly they're the guys who say how straight they are on the dating sites, you would want to know these things before you replied to a message right? It's saved my inbox so much grief.; June 8, 2015 at 3:29 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jun 8, 2:22 PM,
"I also have no idea how to cover the "what do you" do question."

Keep it short and sweet - tell them you're a retired entertainer, but you still freelance a bit from time to time when necessary and you're just enjoying life and your accomplishments right now.

"Maybe I should scrap online? It doesn't show me in my best light."

Well, while that's an entirely possible option - have you considered a complete reinvention of yourself? Madonna does this every 8 years or so and it has kept her relevant regardless of what each of her new reinventions is. I'm not saying that you're not relevant, my only point is that this is a tactic that has worked for her as an entertainer, and it's one that can work for others as well, even if not in the entertainment industry.

Sometimes a complete reinvention of yourself is invigorating, and other people and those around you pick up on that new burst of energy and spring in your step it provides - they sense the positive energy and it acts like a magnet.

There are times I've done this in my life and I can honestly say it gives you a whole new outlook, people perceive you in a newfound manner, they're attracted to the positive energy this generates, and at times, this can even chart the course for an entirely new direction in life that's full of hope.

And be "reinvent" I'm talking about a drastic change. A new hairstyle, new hair color, new wardrobe and complete style change. Again, I'm not saying there's anything wrong at all with how you look, etc. - but I am saying that if you're sensing this could be an issue. . .you can always make the decision to change it. And by change, I mean drastic change. If you have long hair, get a shorter cut and style. If you're blonde, go brunette or red. If you usually wear jeans and a t-shirt, buy some cute maxi skirts and wedge heels instead. If you normally show cleavage, buy cute peasant tops to wear with those new maxi skirts instead. Things like that - exact opposites.

Because what happens is that folks are so blown away by the complete change that they're astounded and the compliments start rolling in. They stare a little longer in amazement, they keep talking about it, keep telling you how much they love the new look, etc. - and this can help move you into new positive experiences.

Have fun with it! Flip through fashion magazines and see what you like. Replicate a hairstyle from a celebrity. Or chose a hair color you've never worn before. Try something drastic and challenge yourself. By the time it's all over, you may end up liking it so much and feeling so good about yourself. . .you may no longer even care what these men think - OR - you might land one at the local coffee shop and be able to kiss your online dating days goodbye LOL ;-); June 11, 2015 at 8:13 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA,

I wasn't sure if my last post went through about the question of when to take down the online profile or not, so i'll just write you with an update and follow up question, if that's ok. I went ahead and talked to my boyfriend about taking down our online profiles. I didn't tell him to take his down. I was honest and told him that someone recently emailed me from the dating site and although I did not answer because I am not in an exclusive relationship, it just got me to thinking that when he asked me to be exclusive this wasn't something we discussed and so I told him all this and asked him if I should shut my profile down since we are exclusive now or what he thought we should do about it, if anything. I just kind of let him say what he wanted to say and at the end of the convo (without my leading) he said, Yeah, I think it's best if we go ahead and just shut them down. I said, ok. He said he would do it that evening and I said I would too. So, I know he was busy last night, and half of the time was on the phone with me, but he didn't shut his profile down. I did shut mine down as we agreed and in good faith that he would also follow through. I believe that from what I know of him he is a great guy. Of course, it is early on and I have been hurt before so I am a little guarded about this. It is easy for me to check and see if he is still on there even if i don't have an account. My question is...as we have only been dating exclusively for a month, if he doesn't take it down as he said we should, how long until i bring this up again or even come to the conclusion that he doesn't intend to take it down. I am hopeful that he will do it in the next couple days. I know he is very busy with work. I think this is more of a "nervous/anxious first time dealing with this situation" kind of question. If he hadn't asked me to be exclusive and be his girlfriend, I would have just left my profile up and kept dating around. But, that's not the case. So, this is new territory for me and i'd love and appreciate your feedback please.; June 12, 2015 at 1:52 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks for the reply :) (I'm Anonymous Jun 8, 2:22 PM)

A complete reinvention, that's given me an idea, maybe I've been going about this wrong, I've been trying to tone down my look but rather than looking conservative it looks bland, maybe I should be putting my personality out there more in how I present myself instead of trying to blend in.

I think my work is the larger problem though; I play things down because it’s high impact and people can’t get past it, even post retirement. Where I’m getting tripped up is I need to put a finer point on what they’re in for without dumping myself in it. These guys have no idea what they’re in for with what I have up and I’m attracting guys in over their head and the Stepford wife crowd.

I'm getting too many men messaging me whose profiles look like a feasible match but feeling them out they start to crumble. If men expect profiles to be embellished am I selling myself short by doing the opposite? I want to project marriage material without coming off as insipid but if I put anything too exciting up it’s misinterpreted as a flake or a fling. How do I get fast lane and rock solid sensible into the same profile?; June 12, 2015 at 6:50 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks for your advice.
I met many players who start off conversation like "I really want to meet you darling, you seem to be what I am looking for in a woman", or since the first date he ask you to travel together or camping out together. And of course I refuse to go and while he keep asking after the date. He disappear after few conversations when knowing that I won't travel with him until I see real commitment.
9 out of 10 guys are players online. I have met more than 75 frogs the past few years with no success. No mutual like so far.; June 12, 2015 at 8:52 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jun 12, 1:52 PM,
"if he doesn't take it down as he said we should, how long until i bring this up again or even come to the conclusion that he doesn't intend to take it down"

If it were me, I'd give him 2 weeks to follow through, and if he did not by the third week - I'd put my profile back up.; June 13, 2015 at 2:45 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks MOA for the feedback. That sounds like a good plan to me. You're the best! I always feel like I get sound advice from u and it has made my life so much better and me a lot less crazy!; June 13, 2015 at 3:01 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jun 8, 2:22 PM,
"maybe I should be putting my personality out there more in how I present myself instead of trying to blend in"

Exactly. Be your true self, and be true TO yourself. And have fun with it. Think about where you're at in life right now, what's changed, what hasn't. . .and then try to represent that on the outside as well :-)

"If men expect profiles to be embellished am I selling myself short by doing the opposite?"

No, don't embellish. But DO be yourself there. Meaning, don't hold back, don't "try" too hard, and don't overthink it too much. Just write your profile honestly, let your sense of humor shine through, and talk in your profile in the same manner and tone you'd talk to your friends in real life in.

Humor is an amazing thing and men respond to it big time. If you're having problems explaining your past career to them, consider joking about it in your profile. I have no clue what you do, or what you've done, in your career, however, you did mention dancer and performer. I'm going to go to the far right of the spectrum here and use stripping as an example (not saying that's what you've done, but I'm just trying to think of the most drastic example is all, to show how humor can actually "take the edge off" with regards to that.)

So for instance, if a woman has done this in the past and finds that men might be a tad hesitant about it, in your profile, you can poke some fun about that. You can say snarky, humorous things like, "Yea guys, I have a real talent for scaring men off. I've danced for a living and get this - it included showing myself naked! Oooo, scary stuff, I know. Boobies can be very, very frightening. And based on how men respond to this knowledge here, I've actually been wondering how men ever even entered the front door of the club in the first place. . .cause there were scary boobies everywhere!"

That's a drastic example but honestly - it's amazing at how responsive men are to humor, particularly when it comes to subjects that can seem a bit awkward for some of them. And after a paragraph like that one above, in the next paragraph - you get REAL to balance that out. You could then swing into something in the next paragraph like, "Well now that that's out in the open, it's time for me to get real and explain why I'm here. I won't pretend to be perfect. I won't pretend at all. I'll just hit you with the truth - and the truth is that those days are gone, I've entered a new stage in my life, and I'm in need of a man that's strong enough to look beyond the past and gaze out at the future with me. Don't pretend like you guys haven't had some wild times in college. And for those of you who have - are you the same guy today? Doubtful. So if you promise to accept me for the woman I've become, then I promise to accept you for the man you've become."

Something along those lines - something that men aren't expecting, but may find very refreshing and "real" in a virtual world of "embellished" profiles, ya' know? There's something "real" there to grasp onto. Most people are worried about displaying themselves as someone they're NOT. So both men and women get their fill of disappointing profiles that, right off the bat, seem too "fabricated." So it can be very refreshing to see the exact opposite, and a woman who's confident enough to be her true self, and put herself out there like that to find happiness. It's admirable, it's honest, it's REAL - and it's RARE online.

Cont. . .; June 13, 2015 at 3:30 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "I want to project marriage material without coming off as insipid but if I put anything too exciting up it’s misinterpreted as a flake or a fling."

Right - and this is why you confront that head on in one paragraph using humor to somewhat diffuse it (exciting. . .misinterpreted as a flake or a fling), and then get very real and authentic in the next one (project marriage material). This balances the first paragraph out, and it gives the men something refreshing - honesty and transparency in a world full of fabricated profiles.

"How do I get fast lane and rock solid sensible into the same profile?"

Confront the "fast lane" first using humor to somewhat diffuse it - and then get rock solid sensible from there on out. You might be amazed at the number of men who can identify with where you've been. Maybe they've not been dancers or entertainers in the past, but hey let's face it - there are a lot of men who have not been angels out there LOL. And the end result could be that you meet someone who you have some common ground connection with - a man that lived in the fast lane in his youth, but is now ready to settle down, but may find that women are scared away from him as well because of his past, instead of who his actions now in show he is in life.

The more authentic you are in your profile, the better your odds of meeting a "true" match are. Sometimes I think a big part of the reason online dating is relatively unsuccessful for many is because they're all out there trying to fool people about who they are instead of just getting real. So they end up meeting people they think are one thing (as displayed in a fabricated profile), only to be disappointed when the real-life example is actually nothing like that at all.

There are a lot of folks lying in profiles. The number one lie for men is their income. Number two is their height. Number one for women is their weight. Number two is their age.

So think about it. If a guy who's 5.2" and makes $30k a year lies in his profile and says he's 6 foot and earns $80k a year contacts a woman, she believes his profile and they arrange a face-to-face date. . .think it's gonna' work out? Nope. And did it not work out because he's 5.2" and only earns $30k a year? Nope. It's going to be because he LIED. It's going to be because the woman expected one thing, and then ended up extremely disappointed once she realizes she was lied to. Even if the guy's actually a great guy - she won't get past the lie. It's not about height, it's not about money - it's about trust. . .of which there is none from the very first day.

But imagine this. Imagine a guy who's 5.2" and makes $30k a year is actually honest about this in his profile. And he meets a woman who is 5 feet tall, and makes $25k a year and they arrange a face-to-face date. . .think it's gonna' work out? I dunno. But what I DO know. . .is that the odds of it working out are now about 60% higher. Why? Cause both were honest and authentic, they have common ground to bond on, they knew exactly what to expect on the date, there was no disappointment, and there are no trust issues lingering from day one. Both had the confidence to be their true selves, and in a sea full of fabrication - they found one another. Why? Because they were honest, authentic and real.

The 5.2" man who's lied in his profile may have dates every Friday night, but he's never going to keep a woman by his side, and he'll never make it to a second date with any of them. He'll become a "serial dater" online that is never able to settle down, only ever experiencing a constant stream of disappointing first dates.

Cont. . .; June 13, 2015 at 3:31 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: And while the man who's 5.2" and has told the truth in his profile may go for 6 weeks without one date, he may find that when that first date comes along. . .he'll get a second, then a third, then a fourth - and before you know it, he doesn't even need that profile anymore because he's now found a woman he can settle down with.

I rambled there a bit, but I also feel authenticity has tremendous value and it was worth the ramble if others here reading this can benefit from that. There is someone out there for everyone. I'm a firm believer in that.

And you don't need a date every Friday of the week with the "wrong" one's to find them. You just need that ONE date with the RIGHT one ;-); June 13, 2015 at 3:32 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello Mirror,

I am glad I found your blog! I would like to have your advice. I have recently started using an online dating site to find a dating and possible marriage. This is my first time to try a dating site. I live outside of the U.S. and originally was looking for a date in my country then this guy contact me from oversea. He sounded like a decent person and very good looking and we started to exchange emails.

But now I am kid of freaked out that he called me honey and said he loves me on the third email exchange and already talking about he wishes someday his children call me mother (he divorced and lives with his children)! He has only one photo of me and knows nothing about me.
How can he fell like that? I like children but I don’t want them to call me mother.

He asked me to leave the site we met, too. Over a couple hundred men contact me and he is only person to exchange email address so far.

I think he is actually not that decent person, or rather I smell something fishy like, this guy actually a DV guy or something, or he simply wants to find a submissive woman to take care of his children.

Am I overly careful? I think I want to be sure my feeling by sharing the same thinking with others about this man.

Thank you Mirror!; June 30, 2015 at 6:35 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Tue, Jun 30, 6:35 AM,
"he called me honey and said he loves me on the third email exchange and already talking about he wishes someday his children call me mother"

Be very careful here. This man is a complete and total stranger, he's never met you, never even spoken to you, and there's no way he can be in love after 3 emails. So what that tells me is that he's saying these things because eventually, he's going to ask something of you (to send him money, to fly him somewhere, to move him into your home, etc.) People tell people what they think they want to hear every day in order to manipulate them, so don't fall for this from him.

If your gut is speaking to you - you should listen to it ;-); June 30, 2015 at 8:42 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello Mirror-

I happened to see your site a few days ago and have been reading it every day since then. I have tried "no contact" tactic on guys I am communicating with and it worked! Thank you for providing such insightful guidance to women on their way to find love!

I have been on a dating site for a while too. Here is a situation I am in that I also need your advice on. He winked me and I winked back the next day. Then he sent me an email. Here are the email exchanges:

He-- Hi Thanks for the wink, I can be reached on .............(phone number). Lets connect and if we have what it takes

I--I'd like to learn a little more about you by emails and see how it goes.

He--Sure thing. My email id is ............@yahoo.com. Ask away what u want to know

According to his profile, he is in an executive or management position. You suggested deleting a guy's first email if he sends you his cell number. I hesitated and then decided to reply like that and see what he would say.

Now what would you suggest to reply? I was thinking of asking a few casual questions like" What's your favorite thing to do on a beautiful Fall day?" but also thought I might need to ask questions to identify his intentions but don't know what to ask for that purpose.

Thank you!; July 2, 2015 at 10:35 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jul 2, 10:35 AM,
Well, I hate to say this but this guy's communications from the get-go rub me the wrong way. And why is that?

Because he's ALREADY signaling that it's up to YOU to do ALL the work here to get this thing off the ground.

He's signaling that YOU should call HIM. Then he signals that YOU should email HIM. Then he signals that YOU should ask HIM questions.

Umm. . .HE winked at YOU. So is that all it takes? Is that all he thinks it takes to get a date these days - a lousy wink?? Is that all the effort he's going to put into this from day one? Why doesn't HE have questions for YOU? Why isn't HE trying to get to know YOU? And why is he leaving all of that up to you - alone?

I don't like that - at all.

It puts all the focus on HIM and none on you. It's about you chasing him, it's about you calling him, it's about you emailing him, it's about you asking him questions. Why does this man not care to know anything about you before he goes on a date with you?

It comes across as lazy and entitled. And this probably isn't what you want to hear, but if it were me, I'd never pick up the phone and call this man, and I'd never even respond to this. He's putting all of the focus here on himself already. He's placing all of the work onto you already.

And chances are. . .dating him would probably require YOU to make all the calls, send all the emails, initiate all the contact. Chances are - dating him would result in everything being about him - all the time - because his actions (or lack thereof) are already signaling that :-(; July 2, 2015 at 10:59 AM
Lottie said...: @Anoynomous - July 2nd 2015

Ms Mirror is entirely correct. It's sounds completely lazy and not worth enquiring further. Just speaking from experience and I have been using online dating for the last 6 months. Although I have not met anyone, I have been on some really successful dates and talked to some wonderful people.

Because online dating is fraught with so many unknowns, we have very little to measure the character of someone. A simple indication of someones sincerity can be whether he takes the time to write a considerate email...and not just the one!

Equally, yes it should be the man who asks for your number and calls you. Never ever the other way around.

I have got quite a few emails such as..."I really like your profile....care to chat further?"

If I really like their profile, I respond:
"thank you very much for your interest, you have a lovely profile too [elaborating on some part of their profile]. Could you let me know what part of my profile appeals to you?".......I never hear back. I just saved myself a lot of time there.

The footing is all wrong on the above. Heed Ms Mirror's advice, it's a great way to survive online dating.

Lottie x; July 2, 2015 at 1:38 PM
Gem50 said...: @ Anonymous 7/2 10:35a
I agree w/Ms Mirror and Lottie. Don't bother with this guy. I'm getting much of the same stuff as you and Lottie describe via online dating site: A "vanilla" message with invite to contact them. No thanks!

This is now becoming humorous to me. I can't believe how these guys simply don't get it -- and I'm talking men in late 40's and 50's. The winks without messages, the likes without messages... one guy first liked, then favorited, then winked, over a 3-week period - but no message. It's like he's standing in the corner flailing his arms in a, "pick me, pick me, pick me!!" childish manner. Yeah, THAT'S who I want in my life! lol

One guy seemed interesting, and 2 days after he winked I thought I'd step out of my box and send a message. It was a simple note and then a p.s. "ball is in your court." He responded 2 days later asking me what I thought of HIS profile. He was asking about specific things. Instead of giving him his answer, I told him I thought it was well thought out and well written. Then I added that it was his selection of aerobics 5x/week that made me chuckle. (He looked like a big burly guy). He responded immediately that aerobics was not his style, he was more into ballet.

I responded after work with a "Good one!"... and received nothing more from him. But, then I received a few winks from men in his area -- way out of my area and out of my mileage range.

Last week I received a note from a guy who said I seemed, "down to earth." I've been busy and didn't respond until last night (5 days later). I thanked him and wished him well through his separation. (I am not interested in dating a man who is separated.) Anyway, I noticed this morning, I received a message from a different man 20 minutes after I sent that message who said the same thing, that I seemed, "down to earth," adding he was too.

Ms. Mirror, do you think these guys talk to each other? I guess the online site could be pushing my pic outside of my mileage range, that could explain that one. But for that guy last night to send a duplicate "you seem down to earth" message within minutes of my responding to the first guy, just seems too coincidental.

I guess in the big scheme of things, it doesn't really matter, does it? As long as we stay to our course, vet these guys out, we'll see our way through. ;-); July 2, 2015 at 8:21 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gem50,
"do you think these guys talk to each other?"

Yep - and I know this for a fact from my own personal experience. These guys travel in packs on these sites and when they get a "live one" it's often mentioned to the others.

As well - it can often times be the same exact man operating under different profiles.

If you'd like to test that out, just for shits and giggles, converse with both of them and you'll soon see more "coincidences" happening. I've done that before. I remember one time telling a guy casually that my vehicle wasn't running properly and he told me it probably needed a tune up. I informed the first guy of the make/model of my vehicle.

Then the second guy shows up, I casually mention my vehicle isn't running well at the time and guess what? He KNEW the make and model of my vehicle and said to me "It probably needs a tune up."

I only told the first guy the make and model of my vehicle - yet the second man KNEW it. Was he clairvoyant? Was he psychic? Did he have the gift of remote viewing?

Nah - he just wasn't too bright. . .these guys tend to forget the details LOL.; July 6, 2015 at 11:59 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,
I have met an Italian guy from a chat site in 2012 and we have been talking since then. He is from Rome while I am from Malaysia. We have been planning to meet since the first year but we don’t have the finance to do so. I told him that I will wait for him. We plan that maybe he can save some money and travel to me while I will be doing my internship in next year. We were in an unofficial relationship until we meet one day to see how things will go from there (Actually it was me who urged him for an unofficial relationship since I need reassurance and security from him as we did intimate sexual things to each other online. But I didn’t tell him that of course. I guess although I am a modern Chinese girl I still stick to some of my cultural traditional values).

Due to his low salary and hard life in his country, he has signed a contract to work in Egypt and sometimes go to Dubai since last year. Things were pretty good until two months ago. We were practically crazy about each other and we even talked about our dreams together back then. He is always busy with his work and life and I try to be patient and understanding but sometimes I just get frustrated.

Back in last month, there were a few days I waited until 3 a.m just to talk to him because I knew that he would be free around that time. But I got frustrated and I told him that I got fed up waiting for him. I guess I was at fault for this. Then this led to arguments as I asked him if he could treat me better by appreciating me more for being around online for him. He said that he treats me good as he never said bad words to me. He also said that he won’t change himself as he is who he is. (He always says this line ‘I am who I am’.) So we had an argument which led him to say to me that we better stay as friends until we meet. I begged him to not do so by texting him repeatedly but he ignored me (he usually ignores me when I make him irritated or angry) until I miscalled him a few times through Skype. I actually feel pathetic and hate myself for I lower my female dignity to beg him to not break up with me but I couldn’t control myself. We actually left the conversations about what our relationship are hanging as we talked like normal the next day. So I thought that we are still in an unofficial relationship. I love him too much and I get too desperate sometimes. We told each other a few times that we love each other last year. But when I told him I love him at the beginning of this year he just replied, “and I like you”. He said he just liked me because we have yet to meet for real. When I asked him why he told me he loved me last year, he replied that sometimes he loved me but it wasn’t like we were getting married. He is so confusing!

Normally we would miss each other badly after two weeks or a month and we would end up video skyping with each other. Since we didn’t do that for a month and half I told him that I needed him and he said why did I feel so as we never met before (His feelings weren’t like that last time because he told me he needed me most of the time and we couldn’t stay away from each other). I told him that I didn’t know why and he made me like this. He said that he didn’t feel the same and I asked him why his 3 years feelings could fade away in just a month and half. He didn’t tell me the truth at first by saying cold, heartless things to me until finally I told him that he made me cried in front of my friends. He said that it’s because life is hard there in Egypt and he felt low and not himself at those days. So I told him that I would give him more space and be more understanding.; July 17, 2015 at 11:49 AM
Anonymous said...: I didn’t talk to him for a few days and I thought we were fine when we finally talked because we talked like normal. I even asked him whether have he thought about us having our lives together and he said maybe yea. However, the next day later, when I asked him if he still talked to one of his online female friends, A. He asked why do I care and I said because of curiosity and jealousy. He told me that he is just friends with all the people online including me. He also said that he doesn’t want any commitment or be in a relationship now and he is who he is. But this wasn’t who he is as he was caring and romantic to me. I was so hurt that I told him that he played with my feelings when I gave him my heart, body, time and effort. I also said that he made me fall in love with him and we were crazy about two months ago and yet how could he suddenly let it go just like that and doesn’t feel the same anymore. I also asked him to consider my feelings. He just replied,” I am sorry but this the truth”.

Then, I asked him if I could skype call him to talk. It was because I wanted to confront him and by hearing his voice I might get some idea of his true feelings. He said, “not now” and when I asked him when he will be free he just said, “ idk not today”. The thing that I don’t understand is why didn’t he just say no to me because when he wasn’t in the mood or don’t feel the same most likely he would reject any requests of mine. Was it because he still feels the same or was it because he felt bad that he does this to me? In the end I told him that we should give each other sometime and meanwhile he should consider my feelings and think about us and everything. He just replied ,”OK”. This happened four days ago and I plan to wait for a month. This is because normally he knows that I couldn’t control myself and would talk to him within a few days. But I don’t know that if I could get through a month and I have been crying for five days in a row now. He is so cold and heartless to me through his words. He is just so confusing like a girl or worse than a girl. It was only three weeks ago that he said he missed him and suddenly he can be this cold to me now. From liking and loving me goes to just liking me and now no more feelings?? ?

Mirror, do you think that it is possible because of life being hard and stressful; it causes him to reduce his feelings in terms of emotionally and sexually towards me? To be honest, I know that he and I are not compatible in topics and interests (I am Pisces while he is a Virgo) but when it comes to chemistry, we were both very sexual with each other. I honestly don’t know what to do. Should I play hard to get by waiting a month and see if he misses me? Should I let go if he moves on? But I don’t want to let go because I would regret in future for not having to meet the person I have been talking to for three years and I would feel that it’s a waste. There is also a secret weapon; pictures of me eating a banana while being seductive. These were actually for him as his birthday gift two months from now. I thought of spilling my guts and feelings out to him via email and send him these pictures showing how much I want him. I wonder if these pictures would steer his inner feelings about me or he would feel indifferent. If he acts indifferent, it would hurt me badly. Should I just agree to be friends with him and try to steer his jealousy and feelings by talking to other guys online? I just wish that sometimes he would share his problems, feelings and thoughts with me.

P.s. We actually plan that we might fool around with each other the first time we meet so I know that he would never lie about his finance and about meeting me as this acts as a motivation??

P.s.s. I am so sorry about my lengthy story. I honestly don’t know what to do. Please help me!; July 17, 2015 at 11:52 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jul 17, 11:49 AM,
"I have met an Italian guy from a chat site in 2012. . .We have been planning to meet since the first year but we don’t have the finance to do so. I told him that I will wait for him."

NEVER wait on a man - particularly one that you've never met before and don't even know if he's who he says he is. Don't put your life on hold for someone. Your time is precious, and this person could be an impostor, he could be lying, he could be married, he could turn out to not be a match when you meet him. . .there are a million things that may or may not be true here, therefore, putting your life on hold for them could be a big mistake and could cost you the waste of many years of your life.

"I got frustrated and I told him that I got fed up waiting for him. I guess I was at fault for this."

That's not true - it's not your fault. As I stated above, never put your life on hold for someone else, particularly someone you've never met - who may or may not be who they are, and may or may not be lying to you.

"led him to say to me that we better stay as friends until we meet. I begged him to not do so"

Actually, I agree with him here - stay friends until you meet and see if he's telling the truth, see if he's who he says he is, see if he's been lying or not - and see if there's really truly any chemistry between you.

"I thought that we are still in an unofficial relationship"

There's no such thing as an "unofficial" relationship - it's either a committed relationship or it's not. And it's not a relationship until the MAN takes the lead and asks the WOMAN for a commitment, and then offers her one in return.

"he is just friends with all the people online including me. He also said that he doesn’t want any commitment or be in a relationship now"

Don't commit yourself to someone who is not committing themselves to you :-(

"Mirror, do you think that it is possible because of life being hard and stressful; it causes him to reduce his feelings in terms of emotionally and sexually towards me?"

I honestly just think that two people who have never met and are virtual strangers cannot love one another - because they've never met, never spent time together, don't know if they'd get along well and really have no way of making any "bonds" that last because - they've never met.

"I thought of spilling my guts and feelings out to him via email and send him these pictures showing how much I want him."

NO - DON'T DO THAT. You've never met this man and you have no clue what he'll do with these pictures. He could publish them online, he could publish them on social media - he's a stranger and you don't know him well, so don't put yourself in that situation, it could turn out disastrous.

Cont. . .; July 20, 2015 at 12:12 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "Should I just agree to be friends with him and try to steer his jealousy and feelings by talking to other guys online?"

I think you should just be friends with him - but I would NOT attempt to make him jealous. I would be his friend and date other people and if the day comes that you two get to meet - make a decision about him then. . .but until that day comes, date other men, keep moving forward with your life and maintain a friends only situation with him.

"We actually plan that we might fool around with each other the first time we meet so I know that he would never lie about his finance and about meeting me as this acts as a motivation?"

DON'T DO THAT - you do not know this man well enough, you've never met him and he has not proven himself yet. You have no way of knowing what he will and won't lie about. He could be a complete impostor, he could've been telling lies all along, he could be married - there are a million things he could be doing that you're not aware of.

People lie every day about all kinds of things - particularly online. Do not give your trust to a stranger that you've never met. Do not give them the benefit of doubt. Do not give them your body, and do not give them a commitment when they're not giving one to you.; July 20, 2015 at 12:12 PM
Gem50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,
I'd like your opinion on my actions, and maybe it will help others as well.
I started messaging with a 2nd man who has shown some substance this weekend. He's 56, a career firefighter, it's been all fun bantering, and him wanting to know more about me. I've followed your teachings to not drop what I was doing this weekend to respond to him, not to rush, etc. When he took a day to respond back to me, I did the same, no big deal. He included an explanation last night of why he took so long to respond with an apology with his messaging, but I didn't say anything about it. He doesn't owe me anything, and neither do I owe him.

Well, the messaging thru the dating site with Firefighter was getting to be too much for me -- when I'm on the dating site, I get more messages, views, winks, likes, or whatever, and it gets to be too much. So, I gave Firefighter my email address last night (it doesn't identify me), suggesting that we use our email instead of online dating site. I was hoping he would ask for my phone number, but he didn't.

Well, firefighter emailed me this afternoon with a "hi, how's your day" message, and I responded when I was done with work. And then once I was home, his emails started coming... I was out in the yard doing stuff, but took the time to respond. Until I got frustrated again - I felt I now had an emailer on my hands, instead of a texter.

I ended up locking up my cell trying to respond to the various messages. After awhile, I used the computer to send him an email explaining my cell was locked up from our messaging, and I was frustrated. I gave him my cellphone number for him to contact me if he'd like to.

I was in another room when I heard my phone ding with a text. I figured it was one of my gf's etc, and was so surprised it was Firefighter. I was not expecting him to text (stupid me!) I thought he'd call if he was going to use the number I gave.

What I'd like to know is your opinion Ms. Mirror on whether the following from me to Firefighter was taking the lead or not.

Firefighter> Now this is so much better I was having trouble following those emails to thanks for making it easier. Now I can text you like crazy.

Me> Lol no u can't! Well, u can but that won't mean I will respond. Did those other messages go thru? I gotta run for now, have a good night.

Firefighter> Ok I think they did i'll look through them. Well u text me then if you want just trying to get to know a little about you and if we don't chat some we'll never know

Me> I am not a fan of texting Things get misunderstood too easy. I guess I am old fashioned in that way. I am amazed when I go on a date and the guy puts his cell right on the bar -- or starts taking calls. I get that people are different, just not for me is all.

Firefighter> If I'm on a date I don't answer my phone The person I'm with deserves my time and I learned to text with my boys only way they will answer sorry

Me> I get it with kids and people to touch base... but to have conversations like we are right now just doesn't make sense to me. U said u wanted to know more about me so I shared. If u care to, you can think about it - tell me to go fly a kite or not.

Firefighter> No flying kites yet. Just getting to know you. Honesty is best in my book.

Firefighter 5 minutes later> I'll call you tomorrow night if that's ok with you

Me> That sounds great Mr. (last name)

Firefighter> K no flying away yet, have a good night (my formal first name -- mirroring the way I addressed him with Mr. ##)

Me> Thank you :)

So, did I muscle him into this, or did I set standards for myself and how I want to date that he considered and made his own choice? I am not sure.

Thank you!; July 20, 2015 at 9:57 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gem50,
You did great :-)

I don't consider that taking the lead because you took no action. You set your boundaries, you weren't needy or desperate of his continued attention, you didn't attempt to drag the conversation along, he heard the message loud and clear, understood what that meant (i.e. he better up his game a bit) - and he's now going to call you.

Basically, the way I see it is - he tried emailing and got a lukewarm response, he tried texting and got the same, so now he's going to call. And that's exactly as it should be because what this man is showing is that he's interested enough to continue trying until he finds what makes you happy. Chumps would've dropped off and probably never had the "ah-ha" moment to call, or cared enough to do so and put the effort in - but this man does. . .and that's a very good sign for you ;-)

As well, he's a firefighter and they're generally honorable men. It's not everyone who will risk their life for others by running into a blazing building, so that says a lot about his character. I hope your talk with him goes well and he asks for a date during that call to take it to the next level :-); July 21, 2015 at 9:02 AM
Gem50 said...: Thank you Ms. Mirror, this is still uncomfortable for me when I'm taking the actions we SHOULD take in order to have good men in our lives; but after the action, it feels very comfortable.

Firefighter text me this afternoon with a "quick hi." I responded positively when I was out of work.

I will let you know how it goes.

:-); July 21, 2015 at 6:30 PM

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