Online Internet Dating Advice: Do’s And Don’ts For Women

You gals asked for it, so here it is, ladies. A handy little woman’s guide to the world of online dating or what some might affectionately call “The Twilight Zone.”

Yes, the world of online dating can be freaky, indeed. Don’t get me wrong, it works for some and I do know couples that have met online and are happily dating and/or married. But here’s the rub with this new form of meeting people – you literally have to filter through hundreds of profiles, hundreds of players, hundreds of liars and hundreds of fake people – man or woman, before potentially meeting Mr. or Mrs. Right.

After filtering, you then have to conduct interviews of sorts. Not interrogations, but you need to know how to ask the right questions, in the right manner, in order to gain the information you’re truly seeking from the individual without looking obvious while doing so.

If you’re currently dating online and NOT doing the filtering, sorting and “interviewing” like I’ve referenced above, then chances are you’re not qualifying people as a potential match and meeting a lot of individuals you have no interest in, that are off kilter, so-to-speak, and that disappear and reappear like magic. If that sounds like you, you’re probably frustrated and feel like you’re wasting a lot of time on a lot of bad dates with a lot of people that don’t even deserve your attention, whether you’re male or female.

Guys, regretfully I won’t have much advice for you here because I’m not a man. However, to truly meet a nice, mature, non-game playing, emotionally well balanced woman in the world of online dating, if you conduct yourself in the manners I’ve listed below and then follow through with them in your dating tactics, you will pull a nice woman out of the crowd of crazies. (And we do invite you to contribute your thoughts, advice or online dating experiences in the comments here.)

So let’s get started . . .

Your Online Dating Profile: Do’s And Don’ts For Women

Don’t: Be like everyone else. There are a few things we can accept most every woman will tend to say. “I like animals.” “I’m spontaneous and outgoing.” “I wish for world peace.” You get the idea. Scrap that, throw it out the window. You need to express yourself in your profile. Men can smell fake a mile away and it bores them to death. Men look for what’s real, they look for what’s different, a challenge excites them. Don’t be the 60th profile they’ve read that says all the same stuff. Be different, be daring, be a tad snarky (in a nice, funny way) and let your attitude show. Believe it or not, ladies, men like attitude. It turns them on. Don’t be mean, but dare to be a bit balsy about who you really are.

Do: Be yourself. We ran a test with this. Peaches n’ cream “vanilla” profile versus snarky, balsy profile with attitude, a bit of sass and real expression. (And we really pushed the limit in the snarky profile, let me tell you). And guess what? The peaches n’ cream profile received an average amount of views and contacts. But that snarky profile. . . it blew up! In 17 hours, 42 winks rolled in and 27 emails were received along with well over 400 views. Moral of the story? Be yourself, express yourself, show your humorous side and have fun with it. Dare to be different.

Your Profile Pictures

Don’t: Take the proverbial, “I’m in the bathroom mirror shot.” Lighting is horrible and no one cares to see your shitter or your makeup mess in the image. And dear God, do not put provocative photos in your profile. Dating is like fishing. If you’re fishing for bass, you use bass bait. If you’re fishing for trout, you use trout bait. Not all bait attracts the same fish.

If you use provocative photos, you’re going to catch a player (and an STD). And don’t put up images of you and your girlfriends, stop that right now. I actually had a male friend say to me once, “Why do girls do that? There’s always a friend who’s hotter than them and then you consider dating them just to meet their hot friend.” Yikes! Don’t do that.

Also, don’t put images on your profile of you in a bar, drinking, drunk or with a beer in your hand, behaving like a tramp. We all know you lead an exciting life with tons of friends, but common sense should tell you why it’s not wise to do this. If you want to attract an alcoholic, or a frat boy party animal or a player who will use you and then toss you to the curb, then go ahead. Otherwise, clean it up and portray yourself as a lady, not some ding-a-ling trashy girl if it’s a gentleman you truly seek.

Lastly, don’t post photos of yourself with other men. And don’t post photos of yourself with other men with their head missing – we all still know he has a penis and that it’s a man. We know you want to look popular, but there are other ways to portray that. Leave the past in the past.

Do: Take photos outside with nice backgrounds, preferably in the sunshine. On a subconscious level, those images trigger nice thoughts in an individual’s mind and convey happiness, emotional well being and stability. If you have a pet, post a photo of you smiling and enjoying your pet’s company. Always post a nice close up headshot and always include one full body shot. Take the images seriously and have a friend take them for you. Take the photos at interesting angles in artistic ways (try cocking the camera to one side to add interest) and don’t always smile big in every single one of them. Mix it up a bit and be real, you don’t want to look like a Barbie doll with only one expression in every shot. And always show off your best assets – but in a classy manner.

You’re shooting for sexy, fun and playful here. Not slutty, troubled and an emotionally unbalanced train wreck.

Online Dating Conduct: Do’s and Don’ts For Women

If A Guy Gives His Telephone Number To You In His First Email Contact

Don’t: Ever call or text him and don’t even bother to respond in an effort to get to know him. These men, 9 times out of 10, are either lazy or they’re players who aren’t taking dating seriously and treating it like gambling – a numbers game. He’s handing out his number to dozens of women in that manner, knowing that the odds are in his favor. After dozens of giveaways, one woman will actually fall for this and pick up the phone and call him. No man in real life walks up to you, without saying a word, hands you his number and says, “Gimmie a call.” And if he did, you’d probably be suspicious of him. Well the same goes for the online world. There should be an introductory period. If there isn’t - be suspect of him.

And because he isn’t taking any of this seriously and he’s treating dating like a sport or a game of gambling, he won’t take you seriously when you actually pick up the phone and call him. He’ll assume that you’re desperate and he’ll simply take to toying with you, much like a cat does with a mouse. Men sleep with desperate women but they don’t take them home to see mama. These are lazy men that are seeking the perfect victim (i.e. a woman with low self-esteem that’s desperate for male attention, who will sell herself short by reversing the roles, becoming the aggressor and doing all of the work.) Don’t be the perfect victim.

Do: Expect more for yourself and a little bit of effort to be invested from a man before giving him your attention. Delete that email immediately and move along.

If A Guy Gives His Telephone Number To You After A Couple Email Exchanges

Don’t: Call or text him when he does this. A man who is serious about getting to know you will either:

1.) ask you for your number
2.) hint around about chatting sometime

Never, ever, ever be the one to make the first call or text – EVER. Trust me on this, Ladies. The very few first communications you have with someone set the tone for how you will communicate with one another from that point forward. If you become the aggressor, he’ll become lazy and take you for granted. You will spend the entire relationship making attempts to get to know him, making attempts to communicate, making attempts to get his attention – making ALL the attempts.

If you start a relationship out in that manner, he won’t value you; he’ll see you as desperate. He’ll never lift a finger for you, because you’ll be signaling to him that you’re willing to settle for no investment on his part and you’re willing to do all the heavy lifting, all the work, to get this thing off the ground. Never begin a relationship by being the aggressor. It turns men off, they see you as easy prey, and in two weeks, he’ll be disappearing on you and blowing you off - but he will sleep with you before doing so.

The best way to gauge a man’s interest and intentions is to see if he’s willing to invest in you. Men go after what they want. If he wants you, he’ll come looking for you. And when he does, it is at that point that you give him your attention, once he’s put a little bit of effort into it.

No one gets anything for free and only cheats and liars expect something for nothing.

Do: Give him your phone number in return (if it’s unlisted and cannot be traced back to a physical address and if you’ve had several email exchanges where you’ve “felt him out” a bit first and are ready to speak). The other option is to connect with him via a service like the Match.com phone service. Either way, always let him make the first move. He’s a man, let him be one.

If A Guy Invites You To Meet In Person In The First Email Contact

Don’t: Ever go meet him without exchanging several emails first and speaking on the phone several times. Many men will attempt to rush things along (then wonder why they’re disappointed once they get it).

The courtship process is exactly that – a process. If you truly want to connect with someone in an authentic manner, then the process needs to be authentic, too, the tried and true way. Otherwise, he’ll be (secretly) disappointed that you gave in so quickly, he won’t take you seriously and you’ll either end up a hook up – or dead. And I mean that, girls. Never go meet a strange man you met on the Internet that doesn’t even have the common courtesy to exchange conversation with you first or even ask your damn name before asking to meet up with you. That’s a disaster waiting to happen.

Do: Consider him lazy (or a serial killer) and move along. A gentleman that’s seeking to truly connect in an authentic manner with a woman would never ask her to do that. Nor would he ever expect a true lady to be crazy enough to do so. A serious man will want to converse with you first and find out your name and your interests before he invests any time, effort or money into you.

People connect through conversation – they get screwed by meeting up with nameless strangers in the dark of night.

If A Guy Has His Shirt Off In His Photos (And He Isn’t At The Beach)

Don’t: Ever communicate with him. He’s trolling the Internet for sex and he’s signaling that that’s what it’s all about in those photos. Especially if one of those shirtless photos is of him lying in bed, holding the phone up, looking down on himself (portraying the view you’d have if you were on top of him –ick).

Chances are he’s got a profile on all of the seedier sites, too. The free sites like Plenty O’ Fish, where folks openly troll for sex and no-strings-attached hook ups. Stay the hell away from those free sites, Ladies. Creeps troll those. A good man looking for a good woman is willing to pay for a service to make that happen. Creeps trolling for sex don’t want to spend a dime to get laid and, as a result, the free sites are full of creeps trolling for free sex.

Do: Grab a quick shower to get the “ick” off your skin, have a good laugh and move along.

If You’ve Exchanged Several Emails With A Guy And He’s Asked To Meet You

Don’t: Go unless you’ve had at least one or two telephone conversations first. Again, courtship is a process and people connect in an authentic manner via conversation. If you skip this part, there’s a really good chance you won’t feel a connection with him and he won’t feel one for you (although he’ll pretend to in an effort to make the date worth his while to see if he can at least get laid from it). This is the biggest mistake people make when dating online, they rush things, and then wonder why they’re not connecting with anyone or are constantly disappointed. Men, this goes for you, too. If you don’t speak to a girl first, you’re not going to feel connected to her on any real level on the date either (except possibly physically).

Imagine it this way. Would you feel a connection with a total stranger that approached you in public, never spoke but gestured for you to join them for lunch? Hell no. Why? Because it’s a stranger and you’ve never even heard the sound of their voice, that’s why. The “getting to know you” period MUST take place in order for two people to connect in an authentic manner with one another. Skip that step in the courtship process and you’re doomed to be disappointed.

Additionally, people connect with the sound of another’s voice, women in particular find the tone of a man’s voice to be very important. If he squeals in a high pitched tone, you’ll run. If he sounds a bit like Barry White and has a nice, deep, manly voice, you’ll be turned on. Do yourself a favor and find this out BEFORE you agree to sit across the table from the man for two hours.

Do: Give him your phone number and invite him to call you.

On The First Date: Do’s And Don’ts For Women

Don’t: Sleep with him!! Unless, of course, you want him to disappear the next day. I’ve had men tell me that women they meet online show up on the first date with an overnight bag packed. That’s absurd. Do you really think a guy is going to respect you as a woman and want to date you long term when you behave as if you’re worthless and give yourself away for free like that? No way. He’ll sleep with you and then poof, he’ll be gone in a week or two.

Do: Conduct yourself like a lady. Be funny, be smart, be kind, say thank you and be appreciative of his efforts. If you like him, an quick peck on the lips after dinner is acceptable. It’s also acceptable for you to say, “Gimmie a call sometime.” But that’s it. Don’t come off looking desperate or eager. A kiss on the lips and an invitation to call are all the “green” lights a man should need to proceed with a woman.

After The First Date: Do’s And Don’ts For Women

Don’t: Call him and chase him and pursue him. Don't stalk him or view his profile repeatedly. Don't focus on how often he's on the site and don't stay off the site just because you've had one date with a guy. Don't start revising your profile or taglines to send subliminal messages to a guy. Don't take your profile down, leave it up and stay active on it. If you begin to behave as desperate, too eager or too emotional, that's exactly what you'll look like to him. You'll look desperate and worse yet, bat shit crazy and he’ll run faster from you than you can say “bastard.”

Don’t always be available to him. Make him work for this and make him prove he’s genuinely interested in you. This is where you “qualify” the man. Is he genuinely interested or is he just looking to get laid from easy pickings? By hanging back and not always being available to him, you’re making him prove himself and his interest to you. And realize, many, many men will fall off and disappear on you after a first date when you do this. Expect it. But also have faith that you are weeding out the whack-a-doos and the men who are only half interested – the one’s that will sleep with you a couple of times before disappearing on you.

Do: Continue to date other men, keep your options open and respond to texts a couple hours later. Do return calls a few hours later or the next day. You want to look valuable to this man. And the only way to do that is to make him understand that you have a life and that others out there are demanding your time as well. Once a guy gets a whiff that you’re sitting at home by the phone, jumping on it when he calls and responding to texts two minutes later – he’ll begin to take you for granted. Being too available to men tends to invite bad behavior from them.

Accepting More Dates: Do’s And Don’ts For Women

Don’t: Accept last minute requests for dates from the man. Remember, how you behave from the moment you meet a man sets the tone for how the relationship will be from that point forward. If you make yourself too available to a man and accept short notice dates, you will be treated like that by him from that day forward. It will be like opening the door to him taking you for granted from that day on. Use the good ole “3 days rule” when accepting dates. If he doesn’t ask you 3 days in advance, you’re busy and you’ve already made plans. This will signal to him that if he wants your time and attention, he’s going to have to treat you with respect by scheduling dates in advance rather than taking you for granted that you’ll be there – waiting, willing and ready.

Do: Accept date invitations when they are requested 3 or more days in advance. If it’s Tuesday and he wants to see you on Friday, accept the date. If it’s Thursday evening and he wants to see you Friday night, don’t accept the date. But DO NOT tell him you need advance notice. Speak not with words, but with your actions. You simply say, “Gee, I’d love to. Unfortunately, I’ve already made plans. How about Sunday instead?” (3 days later.) Do that repeatedly and he’ll get the hint – he needs to respect you and your time and book time with you in advance if he wants to see you. Using the 3 day rule also paces the relationship. Because men like to rush (into bed) and then when they lose interest quickly afterwards, they don’t understand why. The reason is that the relationship was not paced and he has no time to miss you, long to be with you, or think about you constantly. Men equate longing with love, Ladies. Let them long for you and your time.

NOTE: If a man sticks around and is pursuing you as a genuinely interested man should, you can consider taking it to the next step and sleeping with him after the 7th or 9th date. No sooner or you may play your cards too soon and he may disappear unexpectedly on you. Make him prove he's interested before giving yourself (and your power) away to him.

Conduct Yourself In This Manner From That Point Forward

By not always being available and making him book time with you in advance, you are actually looking very desirable to a man and you’re also setting a nice slow pace – one that won’t overwhelm the man and have him disappearing – looking for air and room to breath – a month or two into it. Men like the chase, they like to compete and they enjoy a good challenge. It excites them and it keeps them interested. Give them what they want.

And realize, you're both dating online. He will date other women and you should date other men. That is, until one of three things has happened:

1.) You've exchanged I love you's
2.) You've agreed to be exclusive with one another
3.) Commitments have been made

If none of the above has taken place, both you and he are free to explore options. And you should take full advantage of that by continuing to do so. This will keep you emotionally healthy and keep you from obsessing over one man.

And again, I repeat, lots of men will disappear on you when you follow the above advice. But that’s actually a good thing, expect it to happen and do not be discouraged by it. You’re weeding your way through the crazies, the users, the players and the flakes. You’re watching out for yourself and you’re “qualifying” men as to whether or not their worth your time or effort. Any men who do not want to do any of the above with you – let them go. They would’ve only slept with you and then disappeared anyway. Don’t put yourself through that. Don’t put yourself out there to be used and dumped and hurt like that.

You’re the only one that can protect yourself in relationships. So do that and get comfortable with the fact that many men who may seem too good to be true – actually are. Realize that many men will not go through the efforts of proving themselves to you. And that’s fine, you’re okay with that, because those are the men not worth knowing anyway.

I recently read a study that stated that modern day women have to kiss approximately 75 frogs before finding their Prince Charming. Yes, 75, ladies. That’s the harsh reality of modern day dating and mating.

So if 74 frogs leap away from you – know that the 75th is on his way to you.

499 Comments:

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Gem50 said...: @Ms. Mirror,
Oh man :-/ How can a 56 yr old firefighter guy of 6'2", bald with a big ole horse shoe mustache and who rides a Harley sound like a hesitant 13 year old boy on the phone?????

I tried my best not to be judgmental, but man, was I disappointed NOT to hear a nice strong confident manly voice on the phone. 6 minutes into it, the call went out while he was talking and he didn't call back. I couldn't bring myself to call him, but did text him after about 15 minutes to say that it wasn't me that ended the call. He texted back that a storm came through and must have cut the signal (there are storms coming through). Then he texted the names of some musicians who will be playing next month at local concert we were talking about.

When he first called, he sounded like he was afraid of me...asking me some pretty pointed questions about what I do and asked, "You don't work for HR do you?" I asked him what he meant. He said something about having to address people if they don't come to work. I was thinking, WTF? and said, "Just the people in my own department." I thought it was really weird. He came off as a real insecure guy.

Well, this was another lesson reinforced, and I'm so glad I practiced it: Do not get wrapped up in messaging with these guys for any length of time.

If I hadn't done a little homework today and found a current pic of him in local paper, I would never believe the voice I heard belonged to the man in the pic. I'm not counting him out, but if we are ever to meet, it's going to be by him taking action -- not with me feeling like I'm leading him through the steps.

As Chk used to say: Onward and Upward -- or whatever it was -- I'm going to keep at it! ;-); July 21, 2015 at 9:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gem50,
Gosh I'll tell ya', that first phone call is SO important. I can't stress that enough. And those that skip right over that very first crucial "get to know you" call - have to suffer these experiences face to face for an hour or more, instead of the 6 minutes you endured over the phone.

And it also goes to show you, as you've pointed out, the vast difference between reality and illusion - virtual life versus real life. . .texting versus talking. When you permit yourself to communicate solely via text with these men and you don't take that first phone call step, it's very easy to start to build an illusion of the man in your head that you can easily become fixated on - when meanwhile, the reality can be very different.

But as you've said, don't fully discount him yet if he takes action. You never know. This man could've been suffering a ton of anxiety during this call, and you've got to give him kudos for even following through with it when a large majority of men nowadays won't even bother doing so. If he was suffering anxiety it would change the tone of his voice, it would cause hesitation, and it would create an invisible tension that could be felt.

If I were you, I'd try this one more time if he offers. Try a phone call one more time. If he can't get it together during the second call, then the man is insecure and would most likely do even worse in person. I wouldn't agree to a date with him at this point until a second phone call. Because like I said, if he can't get it together during a phone call, a face to face experience with him would probably be excruciating for the both of you.

And it's funny, I've observed this many times and when I see a very "macho" man of sorts. . .I always think to myself "what's he hiding." Sounds crazy but I've always noticed that the softest most fragile (emotionally insecure) men always seem to build a barrier around themselves that screams the exact opposite. I always crack up when people are like "Oh look at those bikers, they look like some rough riders, lets not go there" if they're at a bar or something because nine times out of ten, they're some of the nicest, least harmful people you'd meet LOL. The exact opposite of the image they portray to the world. And I really think it's done intentionally for "self-preservation" purposes.

Chances are Gem, this guy's probably a relatively nice guy. Even though he's insecure, he doesn't appear to be a game player - YET LOL. But because he does appear to be unable to control his insecurities to an extent, chances are his behavior would be "off" at times and could become inconsistent.

Either way - you're getting closer ;-)

Meaning, you're getting closer to meeting a good man I feel. And I also feel that this man has most likely been fired from employment somewhere along the line over the years, or he's had his ass handed to him by an HR person, maybe one he's dated or one he's worked for. Because that bit about being in HR. . .that brought the fear of Jesus out of him LOL. He's fully aware of the type, he's fully aware of the fact that confrontation is part of their job, he's fully aware that HR reps must get and be comfortable with confrontation, and he's fully aware that women in leadership roles such as that can become tough as nails.

Cont. . .; July 22, 2015 at 8:23 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: So to me, basically what he said to you there was, "OMG, please tell me you're not an HR monster. Those women scare the shit outta' me." LOL. He fears strong women. He fears their words, and he fears their open critiques. And he's aware that you're presiding over a department, so - that may have already done the trick for you there, and you may luck out and never hear from him again because he may already be sensing he's not going to be "man enough" truthfully to take on a woman who can face him head on.

Remember - "like attracts like" - he's an insecure man that most likely realizes he needs an equally insecure woman. . .that he can preside OVER, rather than STAND NEXT TO as an equal.; July 22, 2015 at 8:23 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks for your advice Mirror! I know that I shouldn't trust him easily. It's just that we have been talking for quite long and he told me from the beginning that he hates people lying. I lied to him and betrayed him once. At first he decided that he didn't want to talk to me anymore. However, he forgave me eventually. Through his words, feelings, expressions and actions (in cam and in conversations), I believe that he is being honest to me except one or two things that are a bit suspicious (I do try to push my feelings aside sometimes and try to be rational). I know that you said I shouldn't trust him because he is after all a virtual stranger but deep down I still trust him a little. However, I do feel hurt and now my guard is up against him. I don't know whether I am a hopeless romantic or I am just being plain stupid for trusting him. For now, I will move on with my life and give it a month. I will see whether he will try to talk to me first. Lately he just appears offline. Thank you once again for reminding me to be more on guard and for making me realised that I shouldn't commit myself to him when he doesn't do that in return and that we should just stay friends. But I know that it would be some time for me to get less attached to him and let my feelings fade slowly.; July 22, 2015 at 12:06 PM
Gem50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,

I’d like to take a moment to share an experience with the women dating online.

Last weekend I met a man for lunch who had sent me a message on an online dating site a few weeks ago – part of his message was really beautiful. He ended it with advice for me to break out of my shell and “strut a little.”

I thanked him for his message, told him his “strut” comment made me laugh but it’s not me, and added that the other part was beautiful. I wished him well, and that was that.

He wrote back advising me to change my profile to a couple sentences about love and loving, life and living and ended it with, “kick ass.”

Now I was pissed.

I wrote back trying to rely on grace, but it didn’t last long. I got one nice sentence out, then blasted him with, “Are you f’n crazy” and gave him an idea what the dating world is like for women in this day and age.

He wrote back about his health and life problems 10 yrs ago, and because of them “life now lives through” him.

I felt bad about his health issues, wrote back, closing it out again wishing him the best.

He wrote back telling me his health was fine and to go to Amazon or B&N to look for a specific book.

I am a reader. I looked up the book. He was the author. Hmm, “interesting,” I thought.

I ordered it. It was a memoir of his life experiences. He caught my interest.

I dropped him an email half-way through the book to say I was enjoying it.

He responded with amazement that I was reading it.

We wrote back/forth for a couple days about the book, he asked to meet for dinner, lunch or coffee. I gave him my number if he would like to contact me and spoke on the phone once. Although he had a constant clearing of his throat, he continually cut me off and he is 11 years my senior, our conversation was engaging and I looked forward to meeting him.

We met last weekend. I could share with you the discrepancies between his online profile and the man physically in front of me, but I won’t -- just know there were several. We sat across from each other at a table for lunch and what I want to share is that by spending 90-minutes with this man in the flesh, I learned a lot and saved myself a whole lot of future time.

Forget about him asking questions and continuing his previous behavior of cutting me off. Forget about him putting two cellphones on the table and reading incoming email messages from one. Forget about him speaking loudly to garner attention towards himself from those around us. Here’s a piece of our discussion I want to share:

- Continued -; August 3, 2015 at 8:29 PM
Gem50 said...: 2 of 2

About an hour into meeting, I had already seen all of above and was looking forward to it ending:

Him> You know, you should attend XYZInstitute (name is changed). It would be perfect for you. You would get so much out of it. I attended and it opened up a whole new world of possibilities and the reason I now live life with a real sense of purpose.

Me> Um, yeah, I really don’t have the time for that right now.

Him (loudly and staring at me) > BULLSHIT!

Me (surprised and speechless)

Him (peering at me)> That’s BULLSHIT!! You mean to tell me you don’t have three days you can’t take to attend an experience that will…. (I can’t remember what he said).

I see this man is trying to intimate me, trying to bully me. I refuse to blink. I make sure I don’t take my eyes off him; I tell myself not to show any fear or weakness. “He doesn’t know me,” I say to myself. “Fuck him. I’m not one of the people from his past he had to “get real.” I’m going to hold my own.”

Me (calmly)> I have responsibilities.

Him> Are you telling me you can’t take time off to go for a Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Tuesday?

Me> I have responsibilities, and the first of them is to myself.

He told me more specifics of his plans to make his significant mark on America's future based on her history and the vision of our forefathers. I asked a couple questions pertaining to people’s individual life paths as a subtle way for him to consider personal growth and awareness as opposed to being force fed his edict. I may have given him something to think about later, I don’t know.

This man was pitching to me a $500 ra-ra EST base seminar that requires him to do so if he is to be considered a successful participant of the company's philosophy, teaching and revenue. I’m guessing online dating sites could be a ripe place to find women in search of themselves and/or a change to their life, and easy targets to be taken advantage of.

What I’m trying to show is the importance of meeting in person the people you meet online before you invest any significant time or share personal information with them. And not only to meet them but to look at every interaction with them clearly and not make excuses, because you can see by this post I clearly pushed aside red flags early on -- and why I continue to visit Ms. Mirror’s site, read your stories/feedback, and continue to practice the work and art of taking care of ourselves.

If I would have followed this man's lead, he'd have had me signed, sealed and delivered to attend this Ponzi-type EST based self-proclaimed self-help seminary -- and then who knows what else.

Take care of yourselves ladies; some of you worry me when I read you've spent months/a year emailing a man and believe you have fallen in love with or state you are in a relationship, yet you've never met.

You need to meet him. Then you need to observe his actions to see if they align with his words as Ms. Mirror explains. If he doesn't initiate a meeting after a few communications with you, walk. Just walk away.

Hugs to all.; August 3, 2015 at 8:30 PM
Anonymous said...: @Gemini50
Wow, Gem, you have become an actively dating woman who is attracting a lot of men:-).

Let me share one of my online dating experiences. The guy asked for my number so I sent it to him. He called the following week and... had nothing to sayLOL. When I answered the phone (it was our very first - and last - phone conversation), he was quiet, then I asked him something about him, he answered and didn´t ask me anything. And then, after an awkward silence, he started yawning. Aloud. Repeatedly. I couldn´t believe my ears. Then he wondered as to what clothes he would put on for work the following day. I ended it. UnbelievableLOL.
Anyway, let´s not give up on online dating:-)
Hopeful; August 16, 2015 at 4:55 PM
Anonymous said...: Long time reader here, but first time poster. I love the advice that you give on this site. It has really helped me deal with some of those disappearing men, but I have kind of the opposite problem at the moment. I met this guy online and we exchanged a few emails before moving on to the phone and texts. Nothing that he has said has really sent up any red flags, but he is constantly texting me. While I'm at work, at the gym, at home, constantly. Even if I'm not responding, he keeps on writing until I do. When I say I'm busy...he keeps writing. It's gotten to the point where I'm more annoyed by hearing from him than I am happy. We had previously agreed to have a first date later this weekend for drinks and now I am not sure that I even want to go. I feel like he's smothering me and we haven't even met. Am I overreacting? Other than the constant need to be in contact, he seems like a nice guy, but if this is any indicator of what he would be like in a relationship I want no part of it. Should I give it a chance and go on the date and see what he is actually like in person since maybe he's just more excited about this than I am or is this a situation where I should listen to my gut and back out? I'm so confused.; August 27, 2015 at 3:51 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Aug 27, 3:51 PM,
"Should I give it a chance and go on the date and see what he is actually like in person since maybe he's just more excited about this than I am or is this a situation where I should listen to my gut and back out?"

Well I don't think one brief meeting would be out of line. He appears very needy, and he's also probably insecure. And while I don't generally advocate dating extremely insecure individuals, I think meeting him at least once first could give you more definitive information about him.

But if his plans for a date are anything like his text behavior, my guess is he's seeking an all day date LOL. If I were you, I'd set aside about an hour or two for this man. I'm going to assume he'll ask you on a formal date. And when that day comes, you need to inform him that you actually have an appointment (exactly 2 hours after the date begins) that you have to run for.

This will limit the first date to only an hour or so of your time, giving you the opportunity to pull away and come up for air LOL.; August 28, 2015 at 9:34 AM
Anonymous said...: @ Mirror
From AlabamaGirl

The site I'm on allows a "flirt" which goes to the man's profile and leaves a generic message "hi :)" In your opinion, is this acceptable or is it being too forward? I've done this a couple of times and sometimes they respond and sometimes not. If they do, then I reply back. If they don't, I don't attempt again. I don't like online dating but live in a very small town and have very few options. I've also noticed that it's not easy keeping the conversation going and it's somewhat boring. If they merely make a statement and don't ask a question, should I take it as they're really not interested? Also, if you've been messaging once a day for a week or so, is it ok to give him my number (without him asking) and say "give me a call sometime." I don't want to stay in a cyber relationship. I'd like to talk on the phone and then meet, but how does a woman convey this to the man without being too assertive and taking on the masculine role? Also, if you're tired of chatting online and they don't initiate a call or date, is it acceptable to just ignore the last reply and see if they initiate contact again? And one more question...if I'm bored and no longer want to continue communicating in cyberspace, how do I politely end the conversation and let the man know I'm tired of cybering but would like to talk/have a date if they're interested. Why does dating have to be so complicated? Thanks for your advice~; September 2, 2015 at 3:44 PM
Anonymous said...: I am 48 yrs old. I have been on dating sites a few times..i have met a few different women. belive it or not .most of the ones I have met .the first conversation out of there mouth is about sex...I am probally one of the few that is not just out looking for sex...I am looking for a team player in life....I may not be the smartest cookie in the jar but I have a job a house and more than one vehicle ..defiantly not lazy. but one thing for sure is I am not out to chase... I guess I will be single and by myself for the rest of my life....; September 4, 2015 at 8:26 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Male,
Stick around this site a while, there are plenty of women here with good values and a moral compass pointing in the right direction ;-); September 4, 2015 at 9:14 AM
Gem50 said...: @ Anonymous 9/4 8:26a
It's not about chasing, its about leading. Not by the tail, but by your demonstration of respect for yourself, the women you date, as well as others.

Character. Integrity. Internal strength. These are traits hard to find in people these days.... Good luck to you. :); September 4, 2015 at 8:56 PM
Gem50 said...: @ Anonymous 9/4 8:26a
It's not about chasing, its about leading. Not by the tail, but by your demonstration of respect for yourself, the women you date, as well as others.

Character. Integrity. Internal strength. These are traits hard to find in people these days.... Good luck to you. :); September 5, 2015 at 6:45 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Sep 2, 3:44 PM,
"The site I'm on allows a "flirt" which goes to the man's profile and leaves a generic message "hi :)" In your opinion, is this acceptable or is it being too forward?"

Well, it is making the first move - which is pursuit. It's much better to not do the pursuing and instead, review the men who are pursuing you. Because a man you pursue might take you up on your offer, date you a few times and even sleep with you. But there's a very high likelihood that after doing so, he will move on shortly after. . .because he may not have been genuinely interested in the first place. Which is why it's much wiser to put your focus on the men who ARE genuinely interested in you, instead of attempting to pursue those who may not be.

"If they merely make a statement and don't ask a question, should I take it as they're really not interested?"

Yea - because when someone's actions show that they're really not genuinely interested in getting to know you, it's best to accept that and move past them. A man who is genuinely interested in getting to know will actually attempt to do so.

"is it ok to give him my number (without him asking) and say "give me a call sometime."

I feel it's best to let a man lead and ask for your number first. However, if the man asks for a date and wants to meet, I do suggest you then provide your phone number and ask for a telephone call first. I've learned that you can save yourself a lot of time and grief by speaking on the phone first. It's amazing what you can learn, and what you can sense, and if the guy is a jerk - you'll pick up on that during the phone call and you'll save yourself from having to spend a couple hours with a jerk face-to-face instead LOL.

"I don't want to stay in a cyber relationship. I'd like to talk on the phone and then meet, but how does a woman convey this to the man without being too assertive and taking on the masculine role?"

Well - if you've been communicating with a man for several weeks via technology and he's not asking for a date. . .I wouldn't even worry about talking to him on the phone because he's not moving the relationship forward anyway. A man who is genuinely interested will attempt to get to know you better and to do so, he'll ask to call or he'll ask for a date within the first two weeks or so. If that doesn't happen, chances are the guys just seeking a text buddy and it's best to move on because his actions are indicating that he's not all that serious about dating or getting to know you better anyway.

"if you're tired of chatting online and they don't initiate a call or date, is it acceptable to just ignore the last reply and see if they initiate contact again?"

Yep - people's ACTIONS speak volumes. And if they're NOT taking any - then that tells you that they're not all that interested or taking dating or you seriously anyway. . .so it's best to move on.

"if I'm bored and no longer want to continue communicating in cyberspace, how do I politely end the conversation and let the man know I'm tired of cybering but would like to talk/have a date if they're interested."

Well again, people's actions speak volumes. So if a man isn't taking any action or taking any steps to move the relationship along, then that tells you something. So rather than try to figure out how to force them to take action, it's best to instead observe THEIR actions. . .and the men who take none get left behind in the dust ;-); September 7, 2015 at 12:16 PM
Anonymous said...: I disagree with your perspective on free dating sites versus ones you pay for. In my experiences, many of the men on Match also had profiles on OK Cupid and almost all of them were looking for hookups. It is a cesspool, and an overpriced one at that. eHarmony is too expensive and there are too many question-and-answer sessions before actual contact is allowed. I am on a free site now and I enjoy that I don't have to pay anything. Not all men on the free sites are players; you can find players and married men trolling for a hookup on any site, including the paid ones.; September 7, 2015 at 5:58 PM
Anonymous said...: @ Mirror
From: AlabamaGirl

Well, if that's the case with online dating, how does a woman meet a good man? :( I've been on and off eHarmony for years and never get a reply (unless he is a total reject.) On the free sites I get more replies but usually initiate with only a Hi or a line or two and don't initiate again if they don't move forward. I work in a professional job, I'm attractive, physically fit, have an interesting life, but need more dates. It can be very lonely sitting around waiting for a man to step up and take the lead...(and the woman waiting for sex, which I have always done). I live in a very small town. I spent years alone raising my son as a single parent, then caring for my mother before she passed away. I now have time to date and have a committed relationship but there seems to be so few men available, especially for us women who are over 50. Being a good woman can be very lonely at times. I'd really like to find a nice man to marry. The last man I dated for a year and a half was great, except he's a self-proclaimed commitment phobic, which I have learned after much research is a severe psychological problem. They want to love a be loved, but after getting so far into the relationship, and I NEVER mentioned marriage at all, they panic and become extremely fearful of moving forward and begin to slowly withdraw. UGH! Where have all the good men gone? Apparently they're all married. :(; September 8, 2015 at 11:33 AM
Gem50 said...: For all,
Another example to support meeting the people who are contacting you via online dating site.

Several weeks ago I was so frustrated with the behaviors I was receiving via online dating site, I expressed some thoughts on my profile explaining a bit of the behaviors and my thoughts of them. For example I wrote, "some are telling me to put more pics up: dudes, get over yourselves," and, "some want to be chat buddies: Really? You could be pretending to be someone else" and there was more.

Since then, the likes and winks have ceased, and the few messages I have received have been from men showing a bit more depth.

So, one guy wrote and mentioned something about what I wrote. I responded. It was nothing major.

A week later he sends another email with a little snitty-ness asking if I wanted to meet anyone or was it just my "message" I wanted to get out and am I still in love with someone, harboring issues of an ex, blaa, blaa.

I thought about his "message" comment, considered it, then didn't care. I didn't like his sarcasm, and decided to respond in fun. I told him I would like to meet someone, but not on Fridays. I explained I'm useless on a Friday night after a long work week and if I do go out, I don't listen to what anyone has to say. As I wrote it, I was chuckling to myself because I really didn't care.

A week later he writes again and asks if I would like to get together to see if there is any interest between us. I gave him my number and told him he could call me the following week if he'd like, because I was busy this week with daughter visiting.

He sends me another message a few days later saying he wasn't sure if he was to contact me this week or next since I sent him the last message on a Saturday.

I didn't respond. I've figured out that the man I have in my life has to be able to figure stuff out and live life in strength... so if this guy is having a dilemma over a phone call, he's out already.

He calls mid week, and as soon as I hear his voice... ugh. It's high pitched with a bit of snooty-ness. But I get through the conversation. When he asks to get together I know I need to use it as practice, so agree to coffee this morning in neighboring college town.

I arrive on time this AM; he's not there. I wait a few minutes, place my order and decide to walk Main St. While I'm waiting for my drink, my phone rings and I don't answer. (Gosh, I think to myself, I am getting good at this. lol)

continued

He waits another week and calls.; October 3, 2015 at 3:32 PM
Gem50 said...: continued 2 of 2

Once I have my drink, I head off down the street considering walking to my car and leaving. Instead, I listen to his vm -- he was just getting into town 5 minutes after our scheduled meeting time.

I decide to continue my walk and enjoy a stroll through the farmers market. Now it's 15 minutes later and I call him back. He's at the coffee shop and offers to meet me at the market. I explain that I'm cold and would rather meet him there. I take my time.

Upon arriving, he sees me first. The man that approaches me is not the man in the online pics. This man is about 10 years older and a couple inches shorter than his profile. I immediately notice the little diamond earring in his ear (yuck).

We sit and talk for about an hour but the whole time I just want it to end. lol He talks about the cost of things, monetary things, blaa, blaa, blaa, and I'm so not interested.

He asks if I want to go to one of the colleges to see some art; I have to decline because I'm meeting my future daughter in law at Noon to plan for the engagement party we're having at the end of the month.

He wants to walk around town with me; I have to decline because I should really be going.

Then he says that he'd like to see me again and since he has my number he will give me a call.

When he said, "I suppose you don't call men," I had to hold in my laughter as I thought of Ms. Mirror and everything I have learned here. I just smiled and chuckled to myself. He followed up my pause with, "I'm just trying to know your rules here."

Gosh, I didn't know what to say. I chuckled and said, "It's not about a rule. I know myself, and I know that I won't."

He wanted to walk me to my car and we said our good-byes.

This guy is not a match for me, for many reasons, and I'm sure I'm not a match for him. But it was good practice and I'm going to get more practice if he calls.

Ms Mirror, some questions for you: I think this guy is a good guy, but he's definitely not for me. Do I bother explaining to him that his pic being 10 years old shows some deception (and makes me wonder where else he isn't honest)? Or do I just let it go and tell him that I think he's a good guy but that we are not a match?

To be honest, I hope he doesn't call, so that I don't have to go through this "learning" experience. UGH!!

In Chick61's words: Upward and Onward!!!; October 3, 2015 at 4:05 PM
loretta said...: Hi Gem50 - isn't a man's voice so important?! I agree. As far as his posting misleading pictures, I think women are the most guilty of doing that. I fib a little about my actual age (not by much), but I always post recent pictures. I'm not ashamed of how I look. This guy seems like a dud, but it's good practice. Sometimes we just get bored. Do we need to let them down easy? I guess. Lately, I've just done the disappearing act, as a sort of payback for how many times it was done to me.

The lawyer guy is not lying about this job. He already cleared up his apartment and has moved to another temporary place with the bare essentials. If he doesn't get the job, I presume he will stay here for now. I still don't think I want to invest much in that relationship.

Speaking of investments, my new beau and I had our 4th Saturday night date. He implied that four Saturdays in a row indicate a big investment for him. HA! I can see why. We're both pretty busy during the week, and he is giving me prime dating real estate. I suspect he is a one-girl-at-a-time guy and that I'm his only focus right now. I don't have time to date a lot of guys, either. I look on my calendar to see when I can meet someone and unless they want to meet somewhere really close to me, late afternoon or on a Sunday, I don't even have time! I guess we should keep that in mind when a new guy doesn't have time to meet us, either.

New Beau is superficial about this. I think he's more interested in me than I am in him, which means I am tepid about it. He's a little warmer, but he has ulterior motives. My cavalier attitude is making him more determined to win me over, but not for the right reasons. I'm not sure I even want to see him again, knowing that he's kind of selfish about this. He's going through the motions of being a gentleman and being consistent with asking me out, but I don't feel much from him. He wants to get laid. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I can take or leave that part of it. Plus, let's face it, I am trying to find someone to replace Casual Guy. It's going to take someone pretty amazing. New Beau ain't it.; October 5, 2015 at 9:50 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gem50,
Sigh. . .I cannot tell you how many dates similar to yours I myself have had in the past LOL. And I always find it quite interesting that these types become antagonistic in a sense first, only to later end up pursuing. I also find it interesting that, without nary a spoken word about it - he KNOWS you respect yourself. He KNOWS you're not going to chase him. And he KNOWS his behavior online is deceptive, and it's almost like he's giving it a go anyway.

It's like the ones that become antagonistic - are almost always certainly the one's guilty of deception LOL. And they take to poking you about it because you've struck a nerve with them.

I'm not sure what it means, but I do see a bit of a pattern in that respect based on what I've experienced myself in the past. (I think I've spoken before about the one guy who, quite frankly, seemed like he wanted to meet me to have a brawl LOL).

"Do I bother explaining to him that his pic being 10 years old shows some deception (and makes me wonder where else he isn't honest)? Or do I just let it go and tell him that I think he's a good guy but that we are not a match?"

Generally, I don't point these things out - UNLESS their future behavior deems it necessary. Meaning, unless they give me an opening to do so and walk right into the topic like a fool. I figure, hey, if you're going to act like a fool, and you aren't even setting your own boundaries for yourself and your behavior and it continues to be foolish, and then you take it one step further and you start openly talking like a fool, too - well then, ya' know LOL.

And it never fails - nine times out of ten, they walk right into that conversation - like a fool.

So if that happens, go for it. You may be doing some other woman in his future a big favor by doing so. But if he just fades away, or keeps his behavior in line, I wouldn't bother and I'd probably just tell him it's not a match. In otherwords, don't expend a lot of your energy here unless it becomes necessary to do so.

I must say, this part is great LOL:

"When he said, "I suppose you don't call men," He followed up my pause with, "I'm just trying to know your rules here."

As you can see, it's not necessary to spell out boundaries for a man with WORDS. Action is their language and when your ACTIONS signal that you respect yourself. . .the message is always received. He knows you have boundaries, and he knows you respect yourself. He knows that you're not going to sell yourself short by chasing. And you didn't have to say one word to him about any of that in order for him to know and understand that.

Basically what he said there was, "I know you're a confident woman and you're not going to become insecure and chase me, which means I'm going to have to man up here and do this the right way." (I.e. You're not going to be easy LOL ;-)

And isn't it interesting that, as much as he's attempting to signal that he's a bit irritated by that (like as if YOU should change your behavior to accommodate HIM). . .he still 1) came on the date, and 2) he's already anticipating a second one.

This man's up for a challenge, in spite of the fact that he's acting a bit irritated by it LOL! ;-); October 5, 2015 at 9:55 AM
Gem50 said...: @ Ms. Mirror,
“You’re not going to be easy,” made me laugh. It is who I am. At work, I'm known for being a straight shooter but fair. Before my childhood trauma, I was known as the child who always asked questions... I wasn't easy to convince LOL

Getting to Saturday's experience, when I thought about his comment on the drive home, I saw my behavior from Day 1. Just as you say here, how we start things is how they will be.

I didn’t’ rush to reply to his online messages. I got a chuckle when I saw his trend @ message #3. I got the feeling he had been expecting a “chase” earlier, and could see him just waiting for a reaction from me when he didn’t respond timely to my replies.

When he wasn’t in the coffee shop at our agreed upon time, my decision to order for myself was the best thing I could have done. Choosing to complete my interaction with the coffee barrister instead of answering his call was respectful to the young man creating my beverage. Leaving the coffee shop for a morning stroll of window shopping, I felt whole. Spending time in the Farmers Market with a bunch of gardeners (my kind of people) felt good. Making him choose to wait for me -- or not -- to join him in the coffee shop, I felt I was showing not just him, but maybe more importantly myself that my time was as equally valuable as his.

He didn’t say anything about his being late and I didn’t have to. I think my action made a point: If you aren’t going to be there when I arrive, I will happily make other plans LOL

For anyone who is reading this thinking, “Hey, it’s 5 minutes… give the guy a break.” Consider he called after 5 minutes of our agreed upon time saying he just drove into town (and who knows if that’s true); and when a man schedules a first meeting or date with a woman, the effort he makes or doesn’t make to be the “host” for her makes an impression – and this is again to a point Ms. Mirror has made: It doesn’t matter if it’s a morning coffee or Oysters Rockefeller at dinner. It’s the effort a man makes to show a woman his desire to treat her well. Could you imagine if I sat there waiting for him? Think of the picture that would have been for him walking in. “Oh look, there she is waiting for meeeeee…”

Nope! LOL

Ms. Mirror, he may be up to the challenge as you say, but I’m not interested. If he calls, I’ll be kind, but no thanks. If he becomes snitty again, I’ll give him some honest feedback. (And I just noticed, I haven’t given this guy a nick-name – that’s very telling.)

Your comment about the guy who wanted to brawl is hilarious. I remember you telling that story and it’s always a good chuckle SMH. I keep asking myself, “Where are the normal people?” LOL

@ Loretta, I'd still sit back and watch. Not sure what it is or which way it will go, but I just got a feeling. ;-); October 5, 2015 at 7:17 PM
Anonymous said...: Gem50, Mirror and others,
I've really enjoyed reading this article and all the comments.
I created a profile on an internet dating site two days ago, and the 'kisses' (free initial messages) are coming in thick and fast. Unfortunately, the quality of the profiles of the men sending those kisses leaves quite a bit to be desired, but it's early days.
I'm really looking forward to putting into practice what I've learnt here.
Thanks again!
B from Sydney; October 14, 2015 at 10:11 AM
Unknown said...: I do find that men on free sites are also on the paid ones. Creeps are all over the place. I have had men give me their number. In return I have given them mine, wrote that I do not text. (This is also on my profile about not texting.) Next sound is that of crickets. If a person cannot pick up the phone and call me, they are not worth my time and are only showing me that they are not interested in getting to know me..; December 12, 2015 at 10:12 AM
Hannah said...: Hi Mirror of Aphrodite and all,

I want to post my own experience and ask for some advice.
I am 33 years old woman and I have recently -and for the first time - used online dating. I met this guy 2 months ago and we immediately felt great together. He is 37 and we are both well educated and in the academic world.

He has been treating me very well and with huge respect from the beginning. He was really into me and he was always proactive eager to contact me to arrange a meeting. I was also very happy to see him every time and all our dates (12 of them) had been a great success. We also slept together after the firs month. In a couple of discussions we had he mentioned that he really likes me and he thinks I might be the one. This sounded as something that might bit too soon to say but it felt right back then. However, I never commented on that but accepted it with good vibes.

However, recently, the last two weeks, I started noticing that he backs off. He still contacted me but in a lower frequency. He used to text me almost every day and meet every other day. This got reduced to no text and one date per week. Which is normal for the dating period, I know. It is still too early. But I had the feeling that something changed. I also noticed that he went back on to online dating, using his account again which he was not before. Because we were always being open and honest (we were like that from the very first moment) we ended up discussing about it. He said that he is complicated and he knows that and that's why he is 36 and single. He thinks I am a gem and a great person but he is unsure about us and he is always unsure about the people he dates.

I had some thought about it and I realised that I don't like how it made me feel. I think it is normal to not be sure after only 2 months of dating. However, I find it alarming that he mentioned that. It sounded like an excuse to slow down things and eventually stop seeing me. I asked him what he needed from me and said time and space. I decided and told him to not see each other again until he figures out because this messes with my brain. he said that I should not forget that he thought I might be the one from the beginning and that he likes me a lot. He seemed sad but also accepted it and said that he will take the time to think things. Next thing I know is that he went back to online dating and blocked me.

I am really confused. I know that he might have got scared (also we come from different countries and our approach towards dating is different. I tend to be more expressive while he is more reserved). He is a nice guy, I really believe that. But I also feel that his words were misleading as to how he feels. I felt disappointed that he went back online and he also blocked me. This reflects my confidence issues, I admit that.

I am planning to give him 2 weeks time ( I will not context him) and if I don't hear from him I will assume that this was not meant to be.

As a last note, I didn't date anyone else while seeing him. My online account was still on since I thought was still too early to cancel it. He also mentioned -in a joking fashion- that I was checking my profile often. It seems we were both checking each other's activity. I hate this new era dating style.

Thank you very much for the help!; March 21, 2016 at 10:21 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Hannah,
"I decided and told him to not see each other again until he figures out because this messes with my brain. he said that I should not forget that he thought I might be the one from the beginning and that he likes me a lot."

That's fine - you can keep that in mind. But you don't have to stop moving forward with your life because of it.

Never commit yourself to a man that isn't committing himself to you - period.

"Next thing I know is that he went back to online dating and blocked me."

That's because he realized you were too smart to permit him to string you along LOL ;-)

"I felt disappointed that he went back online and he also blocked me. This reflects my confidence issues, I admit that."

Actually, that's more a reflection of his immaturity than your lack of confidence. Think about it, what kind of a man acts childish and blocks a woman that simply refused to permit him to string her along? What kind of a man uses a dating site to continue dating other women, but expects the woman to NOT date other men while he's doing so?

What kind of a man is that? It's the kind of man you DON'T want to date ;-)

"I am planning to give him 2 weeks time ( I will not context him) and if I don't hear from him I will assume that this was not meant to be."

No need to give him 2 weeks. He's already shown you his character as a man. And what he's shown you is that 1) he's too immature to be one half of a real relationship and 2) he uses WORDS to string women along while he goes off and does whatever he wants and 3) he's well versed in emotional manipulation.

That's enough to filter him out as "undateable."

"As a last note, I didn't date anyone else while seeing him."

NEVER commit yourself to a man that hasn't committed himself to YOU.

"He also mentioned -in a joking fashion- that I was checking my profile often."

That's why people are on dating sites - to use them. If a man hasn't asked you for a commitment, you're single. . .and free to mingle. Which is exactly what you should do (no sex, casual dating) until a man has asked you for a commitment.

Because as you can see - things can change on a dime, literally overnight. So never put all your eggs into one man's basket when dating, because if you do that, you miss other opportunities that may actually be meant for you.; March 24, 2016 at 5:59 PM
dating sucks said...: Hi Hanna, I'm sorry for all that this guy is putting you through, but what I have learned through this on-line dating thing is that sleeping with a new person early on the relationship is an absolute no-no! I have gone through a lot of frogs, men who have lied to me about who they are to an absolute looser who only used me to get back with his ex. Thankfully I met a really nice man, who treats me like a queen and we both agreed early on that sex would be the last thing that we would bring into the relationship, because getting to know each other and building a great relationship is far more important. I believe that is what builds a strong and lasting relationship. I hope that you too will find someone who knows how to treat you like you should be treated.; March 24, 2016 at 6:45 PM
Hannah said...: MOA thank you for your response and advice. "Dating sucks" thank you for your support too. I am in a difficult state right now, this is true. Full of questions and insecurities.

I really thought this guy was sincere and felt like so. I never thought I am a foolish person and I was always the person hard to convince. That is why i struggle to accept that i was strung along so badly.

I ran into him accidentally today. He was really kind and wanted to engage in long conversation but I was not up for it. I was kind too and pleasant but made it clear indidnt want to chit chat. He even comments on how good I look. I hate it. I don't know whether he is trying to give me signals that he likes me still and waits for a response or he is just playing with me. He was even staring me with kind of sad eyes.

My gut is torn. Sometimes I justify him and think thatbhe might indeed bebconfused and some other times I am convinced he is already dating and he is a serial dater. Things should be simple especially in 2 months in a relationship. If it is stop being fun it is not right.

I am really confused and hurt. I wabt to stop hoping and move on. I am working on that. I really do. Every day. It is getting better day by day.

Thank you all.; March 25, 2016 at 8:27 PM
Hannah said...: Hi MOA,

I would love your feedback on an update.

He contacted after 10 days of no contact. He sent me a text saying
“You probably don’t want to hear from me right now but I just want to say that we might not be dating anymore but I still care much about you and consider you as lovely as ever. It was nice seeing you at the gym and maybe in the future we can hang out in the come days.”

I replied telling him “Hey…What do you want from me exactly? I still care about you and I just cannot be friends with you right now.”

He hasn’t replied yet (it was an hour ago) but it is also late at night now. I get the feeling that he wants to reconcile and put me in the friend zone. He feels bad about how he treated me and how I might be feeling. I don’t feel that he is trying to reach out or get me back.

I don't know what to think but my heart is hoping even though this might be wrong.

Thank you.; March 30, 2016 at 12:21 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi MOA

Met this guy on POF a month ago and we hit it off, started dating. We have not had the exclusivity talk yet but with time that may happen I am hoping.

I notice he still logs in to the dating site regularly. However, I recently discovered he has two separate profiles on there. His user names are similar - but on one the age, hair color, zodiac sign info is different. The body of both of them are pretty similar. Had my GF answer the 2nd one and it was indeed my guy.

Can you tell me why he would have 2 profiles going? What is the point in this? I am a little suspicious and wonder what he is up to.

Gloria; April 1, 2016 at 1:56 AM
Hannah said...: Hi MAO,

Just to let you know that he never replied.

I am convinced that he found someone else. Either that or returned to his ex. They had been together for 7 years with on and off the last year ( they broke up 5 months ago).

I am still thinking a lot cause I never saw this coming. Maybe I was infatuated. I was wondering whether I should go and ask him for the truth. I feel i need a proper closure or I will keep wondering.However I am not sure I can handle the truth of there him having chosen someone else, just not yet.

All this uncertainty is wasting my energy. I am not even sure yet whether he did anything wrong. He just lost interest on Mr. All the big words why then until even the last day? is he emotionally unavailable or I was just not what he liked? I will never know.

His last text seemed to me as his answer to what I asked him "talk to me when you figure out what you want" 2 weeks ago. It felt like he chose the easy and less huddle way of texting and asking fir friendship to let me down in a kind way.

Please let me know what you think.

Thank you a lot.; April 3, 2016 at 4:31 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gloria,
"Can you tell me why he would have 2 profiles going?"

So that he can deceive women :-(

"What is the point in this?"

To deceive women. To be able to lie about whether or not he's dating other women, to be able to lie about whether or not he's talking and corresponding with other women, to be able to lie about whether or not he's using the dating site, to be able to lie about his appearance and entice women into meeting him, to be able to spy on women he's dated, to be able to trick women -- there are no real good reasons to have a second profile, because all of the reasons are basically centered around deceit.

"I am a little suspicious and wonder what he is up to."

He's up to no good -- and he's showing you his true character as a man. He's a deceitful man who sneaks and lies and cannot be trusted.

This disqualifies him as dateable -- he's now undateable as a result of this discovery :-(; April 3, 2016 at 7:58 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Ms Mirror,

I've suddenly started on-line dating again. When I say suddenly, I've not done it for some time and I was done with it to be honest.

However, off a paid site I was on ages ago, I was offered a complimentary membership for two weeks. So I decided to take the offer up and look on it as an opportunity to see what the universe has to offer me at this present time.

I'm always developing, so I thought it would be good to see where I'm up to and what I'm going to attract. Having said that, I'm not taking it too seriously and trying to keep my expectations low.

I'm just looking at it as I've been offered this opportunity for two wks let's see what happens.

Anyway what I'm writing for is I've received a couple of messages from a guy when I was last on the site. I don't think I decided to to reply the first time around as I was not sure, but this time I have. He has asked if I'd like to give him my number and that it would be easier to communicate but ok if I didn't want to.

I'm not sure how to proceed and wondered what you thought and what you would do under the circumstances. The two emails I've received so far are just introductory Hi how are you type of things, no content, so I'm thinking whether I should continue the convo's on-line for the time being although it would be easier for me as well via phone. Although I'm not looking at this as anything at all, other than what it is - a couple of emails however, I don't know if he lives too far away 1 hr train and not sure if he's my type or not. Having experienced Long distance experience before, I always give a bit of an eye roll when I read about LDR on here as there seems to be a correlation between players and LDR and they always tend to disappear from what I've read.

However, I don't see any harm at the moment of conversing with this guy but do you think asking for a number very quickly is a sign of a player or is it ok and innocent? How would you go about conversing and what would you say if you were in my shoes?

Many thanks; April 4, 2016 at 7:14 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Apr 4, 7:15 AM,
"do you think asking for a number very quickly is a sign of a player or is it ok and innocent?"

Truthfully, it's the next natural step. Now that doesn't mean he's a bad guy, or even a good guy -- that's for you to find out during the "get to know you" phase of dating by observing his actions, how he treats you, whether or not he's reliable and consistent, whether or not his actions align with his words, etc.

Back in the day, a man asking for your telephone number was one of the very first steps he took. You met in public by happenstance somewhere, were attracted, had a brief conversation, and then he asked for your number and called you.

These days lots of men skip right over the telephone call portion, which in my opinion, is unwise and very important for the woman as it helps to reduce her anxiety about eventually joining you alone on a date.

"How would you go about conversing and what would you say if you were in my shoes?"

I would make small talk with him, just as I would with anyone. No heavy conversation. Keep it light and fun. Ask about his hobbies, ask about his family, ask about his career. . .gather the basics, and then let him talk. See if he can actually carry a conversation and test out his confidence level a bit in doing so.

If you enjoy conversing with him and you find common interests and some common ground, if he asks you to meet for a date, proceed and join him. Again, it's the next natural progression.

And as long as you continue to enjoy yourself and he continues to treat you well. . .continue to see him ;-); April 5, 2016 at 8:54 AM
Anonymous said...: While much of the advice is appropriate common sense, there is a quite a lot of garbage too.

As a sane, well employed, responsible man and parent looking for a special someone I can tell you this:

I want to meet you! You as a person, not text with a random profile and hope the person isn't mis-representing themselves.

Just because we've exchanged a half dozen texts, doesn't mean I know you or build some sort of connection. I've built a greater connection with a people (of any gender) I met in a grocery line when we exchanged glances and expressions about someone else in line or some drama unfolding at the register.

I want to meet you, not date you (to start at least). Let's have a coffee, take a stroll in a nice public park. Then when we text later I can imagine your face, expressions, your voice and maybe a sparkle in your eye. If things go exceptionally well we could even plan to meet up again later with something leaning toward a real date.; April 8, 2016 at 10:55 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello,

I have read your terrific on-line dating tips.

One thing I am still wondering about is - what if a guy keeps messaging you on a dating site and it goes on for weeks without him asking you for coffee? I have two fellas who have been writing messages almost the lengths of short stories. They are interesting but I do not want to spend hours of my time sitting at a computer screen. I think the man should ask the women out first, so i have not suggested a meetup yet. Why aren't these two moving things beyond the virtual stage? Should I just stop responding without giving a reason? I am not interested in being a pen pal or communicating with ghosts.

One guy I was talking with last week sent a message (after one or two replies) asking for my phone number and to start texting. He seemed a bit pushy. He readily gave out his phone number to me without hesitation. He wasn't me asking many detailed questions, just flimsy "hi", "how are you" or "what's up". Is it a red flag when they want to start texting right away? His profile (with no photo) is full of typos and says that he likes giving and receiving massages.

Thank you. Donna; April 9, 2016 at 2:25 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Sat, Apr 9, 2:25 AM,
"what if a guy keeps messaging you on a dating site and it goes on for weeks without him asking you for coffee?"

In my opinion, when men behave like this it's suspicious to me. Because it signals that they lack confidence and do not wish to take the masculine lead. Instead, they are hanging around acting like women, playing the submissive role and waiting to be asked out.

I don't know about you, but I like a man who's a man. Because let's face it, should you ever actually settle down with the man for a life time - what's he going to do if children result from the union? Is he going to be a good provider for them? Or is he going to sit at home playing video games, asking for a babysitter to be hired so he can have the time to achieve Sorcerer level, waiting for you to bring home a paycheck? Are you going to have to be the man in the relationship?

To me, if a man lacks the confidence and ambition to take the masculine lead when dating, he's signaling to you that he'll lack that in a relationship as well. As well, it's natural for one to then assume he's not even all that interested, because he's not taking the next natural step (whether he is actually interested or not).

And then there are the men who are simply looking for text buddies. Women to talk to all day long so that their phones are blowing up and they can brag to their buddies about all these women chasing them around that they have absolutely no intention of actually meeting. This is often done via email as well and a phrase has even been coined for that. . ."E-maintaining." Maintaining a woman electronically.

"I have two fellas who have been writing messages almost the lengths of short stories."

This may sound really silly but I've seen this stupidity take place many times -- are you sure these two are really even two different people? Or could this be one man playing games with you, maintaining two profiles? Notice any subtle similarities?

"Why aren't these two moving things beyond the virtual stage?"

Well, there could be a lot of reasons but in truth, none of them really matter. The only thing that matters is whether or not things lead somewhere when dating. And if things are flat lining and going nowhere - it's best not to hang around and waste more time.

"Should I just stop responding without giving a reason?"

The choice is yours. Personally, I wouldn't explain myself to a complete and total stranger. You have no obligations to these men. But if you feel otherwise, at the very least I'd start providing short answers and I'd cut my responses down to about 3 -4 sentences. I'd give the situation as little time as possible.

If they then ask why the short responses, at that time you can explain that you simply feel he's not interested, because he failed to move the situation to the next level. I'd explain that I'm on a dating site - to actually date people in an effort to get to know them better. And I'd leave it at that.

Cont. . .; April 10, 2016 at 9:11 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "Is it a red flag when they want to start texting right away?"

Not necessarily. I mean, it is natural progression. However, I'd signal that I prefer a phone call instead truthfully. Because even when you meet someone in the real world and not the virtual one, say at the grocery store, it's very natural for the man to ask for the woman's number so he can telephone her.

You can save yourself a lot of miserable hours sitting across the table from a lot of men that you actually have no real connection or common ground with by doing so. It's very important for a woman to hear a mans voice. To see if there's conviction in it, to see if conversation flows easily, to see if there's common ground, and to just get a general feel for the man to see if you even want to meet him.

As well, and even more importantly in my opinion, it's truly aids a woman in feeling comfortable on the actual date that may follow. It's terribly nerve wracking, not to mention even scary, to meet a total stranger these days as a woman. Naturally, you should always meet in a very public place, but still - there's a ton of anxiety associated with that and in my opinion, a phone call can really help relieve a bit of that and if you connected with the man, it can even create positive excitement. It can make the difference between sitting across from the man being very guarded because you've never even spoken to him before, versus sitting across the table from him less anxious and casually picking up where you left off on the telephone. It can help create a sense of ease for the woman.

"His profile (with no photo) is full of typos and says that he likes giving and receiving massages."

Now that is strange. First of all, there's no photo. So you have absolutely no clue who's behind that profile. For all you know, it could be an ex playing games, or an individual pretending to be someone they're not.

Additionally, this is a very strange line "says that he likes giving and receiving massages." No mention of actually dating or intending to meet someone -- only mention of enjoyment of electronic communication.

To me -- my first gut instinct would be to assume this man is married, and simply seeking a bit of distraction on the side :-(; April 10, 2016 at 9:11 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror. What do you think of men online who start conversations with a lame "hi", or "heh"? Would you agree that these ones are playing games with you and wasting your time?

I changed my profile after awhile to say I would not respond to hi or hey. Some of them continue doing it!

One guy appears to live online all day and night. I get non-stop messages which I ignore. I finally told him to stop contacting me, after which I blocked his profile. However, he puts up new profiles and messages me again over and over. Not sure what to do about this loser. There is no law on the site against creating multiple profiles so I cannot complain to the site management.

Help!; May 6, 2016 at 2:17 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Fri, May 6, 2:17 AM,
"What do you think of men online who start conversations with a lame "hi", or "heh"?"

I think it's a very lazy way to date, and attempt to capture a woman's attention. And I've also found that men who do this a lot, are usually doing this with a lot of women - hence their inability to have a real, meaningful conversation.

"Would you agree that these ones are playing games with you and wasting your time?"

I would. Even if it's not their intention to play games or waste your time, that's what being on the receiving end of that feels like, because it's not engaging conversation at all. To me, it's more like conversation in passing.

Meaning, similar to when you're walking down the street, see an acquaintance, and breeze past them with "Hey" - they respond "Hi" - and both keep moving along without stopping to engage one another in conversation.

You're acknowledging them, but you're not engaging in conversation with them.

"I changed my profile after awhile to say I would not respond to hi or hey. Some of them continue doing it!"

That tells you that they're not even reading your profile. Probably just looking at your photo(s) and then making contact without even bothering to learn a bit about you first. Again, lazy behavior.

"I finally told him to stop contacting me, after which I blocked his profile. However, he puts up new profiles and messages me again over and over. Not sure what to do about this loser."

Report him to the site for "harassment." While there may be no real restrictions the site has in place to keep him from creating new profiles to continue harassing women even after they've requested he stop -- they CAN REMOVE HIM FROM THE SITE ENTIRELY, and block him period.

And if he's harassing women there by manipulating the site, then it's their responsibility to remove him from the community for abusing the site.; May 6, 2016 at 10:10 AM
Anonymous said...: This Article: Do's and Don'ts for women

Don't: Don't follow this advice to a tee. Online dating will not work for you if you treat it like some game where your number one priority is following some rule book. This article has good general guidelines but nothing is black or white. There's always shades of grey.

Do's: Do whatever the fuck you want, but be safe. If something doesn't feel right then don't do it, otherwise have at it.; June 17, 2016 at 3:02 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
Listening to the chap above means you will:

1) Be like everyone else.

2) Continue taking those horrible bathroom selfies to represent your "best self." If there's alcohol in your hand, even better.

3) Take the lead and be the man, likely creating a situation for yourself where you draw submissive men back to you as a result.

4) Meet strange men face-to-face that never even bothering speaking to you first.

5) Probably date a slew of shirtless gym rats seeking nothing but additional notches on their bedpost.

6) Sleep with countless men that don't even know your last name and have no intention whatsoever of ever seeing you again.

7) And then you will end up chasing them down with very poor results.

8) And you will be left with a damaged sense of self-esteem and a very low feeling of self-worth.

Isn't that what about 80% of the population of women dating online are already doing with VERY POOR RESULTS? I guess if you want to be like everyone else, be used sexually and then discarded, and experience the same disappointment over and over and over again -- yea, listen to the chap above.

I particularly like this bit of intellectual advice, "Do whatever the fuck you want." Yea, because going through life doing things without giving a single ounce of thought to the overall outcome/consequece. . .NEVER leads to anyone falling flat on their face, LOL ;-); June 17, 2016 at 9:22 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror,

Started dating a guy I met online who is very shy and quiet. He has sent me photos of himself which I am a bit concerned about. His profile did not have a photo. I asked him about it and he said he is not that good looking (he isnt!).

He sent one with himself lying on bed with eyes closed and naked chest. Found this a bit weird Another one he was wearing sunglasses outside when there was snow on the ground and no sun. His face was also turned to the side.

Is this guy shady or what?; June 18, 2016 at 9:14 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jun 18, 9:14 PM,
"He has sent me photos of himself which I am a bit concerned about. . .He sent one with himself lying on bed with eyes closed and naked chest."

That's a very sexually suggestive photo. And his ACTIONS there are actually telling you a lot - that photo is pretty much telling you exactly what his intentions are (sex).

"Another one he was wearing sunglasses outside when there was snow on the ground and no sun. His face was also turned to the side. . .Is this guy shady or what?"

Yea, that's pretty shady. He could possibly be married (and doesn't want to be recognizable in images), or simply wants no one to see into his eyes (because they may give him away somehow). If, in person, this man cannot look you in the eyes, that's not a good sign at all as it signals "guilt" or shame on some level.; June 20, 2016 at 8:37 AM
Anonymous said...: MOA. I have a dating profile going and had coffee or walking dates with about 10 guys. Two of them I really liked but one was separated and the other going through a divorce so I passed. Did not meet again with the others due to some low mutual attraction or chemistry.

Got message from a guy who lives an hour away from me. Was surprised due to the distance but I decided to chat with him as his profile was great. After a week or so he said he comes to my town sometimes and would I like to have coffee. I agreed and we met up. The date was two hours long. We both really felt a strong connection intellectually and were drawn to each other. He was always leaning forward and talking closer to me and smiling brightly. He said he liked my legs when I got up to visit the washroom! It was my impression he was more interested in getting to know me that focusing on sexual matters. Another brownie point!

We were bantering back and forth about different topics and it appeared he liked debating. I am someone who loves to do the same so we exchanged varying viewpoints. During the date, he said “this is going really well” and proceeded to tell me how he expected a relationship to proceed and how fast (slow by the way). I asked for his cell number and he wanted mine.

As he was walking away he asked “do you want to do this again”? I said absolutely. So three days go by and I didn’t hear by text or phone. I always let the guy do the initiating/pursing. Got a message on the site on day 3 from him saying “you are beautiful, intelligent, argumentative (in a good way). You are embody everything I am looking for”. But I see the perils of a long distance relationship and cannot go any further. Best of luck in your search”. I was very disappointed. We connected wonderfully.

Mirror, why did this guy even bother to message me in the first place, or set up a coffee date if he wasn’t prepared to do a long distance thing. He just retired (is 66) and said he has lots of free time. He doesn’t mind driving down here as it only takes an hour or so. Feel like he wasted my time, both online and on the date. Do you think he was pulling my leg about doing long distance, and just saw something in me that wasn’t right for him? I don’t feel bad about myself if this is the case. My point is why the heck he even bothered to begin with.

Marcie,; July 9, 2016 at 11:31 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Marcie,
I have no clue why indecisive men who haven't even done the work of figuring out what they really want bother to proceed. It's very frustrating and yes, it is a waste of your time and his.

And here's the funny thing - he'll BE BACK.

I can almost guarantee you he'll be back. Might be a month, might be three months, but these indecisive ones always come back for more. And they're always just as indecisive the next time around as they were the first. It's like they just bounce between women, wanting company, but not wanting any deep emotional involvements.

They usually display an air of being emotionally unavailable. So they bounce in and out and keep things light. When things start to get heavy, or it's time for them to man up. . .you can pretty much guarantee you'll be watching them dart off again.

Don't give him too much of your head space. He really doesn't even know what he wants. And it's likely that in a few weeks or a couple months, he'll change his mind for a minute and circle back around LOL.

Whether or not you want to respond when that happens is your choice ;-); July 10, 2016 at 6:05 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello MOA!
To make the long story somewhat short, I met this guy on an online app and we appeared to have a great connection. After chatting for a while that day, we exchanged numbers. He would text and call me through out the day on a daily basis. He would send me the "Good Morning" or "hey beautiful" texts on my way to work which made me feel butterflies in my stomach and like a school girl all over again. We went on dates weekly (he even took me out on my birthday as our 2nd date). He made me laugh, was very attractive, fun to be around and a overall cool guy (he would initiate when he wanted to see me, but he wouldn't plan the dates. Plus the last couple of dates was him chilling at my place watching a Redbox or Netflix which kind of annoyed me because he stated he wasn't a "planner" when it comes to dates and that he just goes with the flow). He would tell me he missed me,that he liked me and that he had this strong attraction to me.

At times he would tell me I over analyze things and to just let things go with the flow and see where it leads us. He told me he never met a girl who he had to watch what he had to say at times because he didn't know if I would analyze. I do admit at times I let my insecurities get in the way when I would over analyze something he would say. He got really taken back by me questioning his intentions one day and stated he did not have any expectations (according to him meaning no ill intentions of hurting me). We hit a small rough patch in which I thought he was done after that encounter. After this encounter he stated maybe we should go into a "platonic" space and not to have any more kissing, cuddling, etc or hanging out at one's place. Well, that didn't fall through because we still were very affectionate towards each other and he would come to my place.

Close to the 3 month mark we did have one sexual encounter, but he still kept the contact going afterwards. Maybe a week after we had "relations", I asked where did he see us going whether it be associates, acquaintances, friends level, etc. From my perspective, I wasn't giving him an ultimatum, I was just wondering along what lines did he view me so I can get a better understanding of where we stood. Well he didn't respond until the following morning with a vague text. He basically stated he saw me going back to "planning" things and thought I wasn't going to do that anymore and just go with the flow. He stated he definitely didn't see me as just a friend. I responded with a brief text saying I agreed that maybe it was too premature of me to ask what our title was after only 3 months of casually dating. Theeennn... wait for it...wait for it..POOF! He disappears!! I sent a "hey, how are you?" text maybe 3 days after not hearing from him because I thought something was wrong since we talked daily. No response from him and I saw a post on his twitter account (so apparently he was alive). Then a couple days later still no word from him and I sent a text stating that I recognize he is ignoring me and that I had no animosity and wished him the best. Since then I have made no contact. It's been about a month of no contact. I know I shouldn't be, but I am really bummed because he was the first guy I dated after my long term r-ship with my ex and I really felt a connection to my "disappearing man".

Was there something I should have did different like stop over analyzing? Did I scare him off with the question of how did he view us to early on in our casual dating period? Should I just have remained with the go with the flow attitude and just enjoy the moment? Also, does "Mr. Ghost" reappear after using the disappearing act? (Red flag Alert!: I probably missed the red flag that he is in his early 30's and his longest relationship has only been a year). If you have time to read my post, I would be truly grateful for any advice or feedback!

Thanks in advance MOA!
-Bummed Out Girl; July 11, 2016 at 9:39 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Bummed Out Girl,
"He told me he never met a girl who he had to watch what he had to say at times because he didn't know if I would analyze."

Yea right. I'm quite sure he's not being honest there. And if he is, then he doesn't know much about women at all LOL ;-)

"He got really taken back by me questioning his intentions. . .he stated maybe we should go into a "platonic" space. . .Close to the 3 month mark. . .I asked where did he see us going. . .he didn't respond until the following morning with a vague text. . .Then he disappears!"

Well, I think a couple things happened here:

1) He was vague, evasive, and non-committal pretty much the entire time (signaling he wanted something casual and not something committed).

2) After an intimate encounter, you began to question things (which is very common, but can backfire).

I've actually written about that here:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/06/disappearing-reappearing-man-what-to-do.html

"Let's say you've been prodding and poking around about his feelings, if he cares for you and where this may lead.

Imagine This: You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel. Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise."

And I've also written about what to do when that happens there as well. Read that piece and I think it'll answer a lot of your questions for you ;-); July 12, 2016 at 8:25 AM
Anonymous said...: dated a man for 2 years and he is still on a dating site! Is this okay?; August 1, 2016 at 10:26 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Aug 2, 1:55 AM,
"dated a man for 2 years and he is still on a dating site! Is this okay?"

No - that's not okay at all if he's in a committed relationship with you.; August 2, 2016 at 8:45 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror and the ladies,
I have some minor news and I would like to ask you about your gut reaction to my latest "discovery". About a year ago I joined a dating website with profiles (no photos). I (yes, I LOL) sent winks to some men who were age appropriate and who left out the box where they could write about their sexual preferences. Most of them answered but only one of them sounded relatively decent so we started corresponding. He always wrote short emails about sort of nothing (he was on a business trip, he had to cut the lawn, he went to the dentist, etc.) but they were funny (he used emoticons in a witty way) so I always responded (writing about similar content and used those emoticons too). I wanted to quit writing because it didn´t lead anywhere but each time I had a problem or felt lonely I wrote back to him again. Once in two weeks or once a month, recently more often though. He was always polite and decent. This correspondence has been going on for a year, I can´t believe it. Now out of a sudden, he writes much more, stops including emoticons (which is a pity because the emails were funny) and somehow I end up asking or rather nudging him to send me a photo (we haven´t even exchanged photos up to now, I didn´t expect that to ever happen to be honest). I look at the photo and wow, so far the best photo I have ever received while dating online - a decent and good-looking man, normally dressed, looks normal and reliable. Not my type (which might be a good sign because my types always disappoint me). He lives with a teenage son. I sent him my photo (he hasn´t asked for it explicitely). He isn´t courting or anything but he is reliable in a sense that he always answers my mails soon and he´s been doing this for a year. In his recent emails he is more open emotionally and sounds as if he developed some feelings towards me. Even before he saw my photo. This freaked me out a bit because I haven´t developed any feelings or whatever towards him, he is decent, that´s all. Mirror, do you see any red flags I should be cautious about? I know little about him. I never asked much. I let him lead the correspondence and I didn´t expect it to develop further. As I said, he is decent, wrote some basic info about his son and bedridden mother, answered all of my few questions (concerning his job and holidays) and supported me when I mentioned my health problems. In a sense I have got used to him because he is always there and doesn´t put any pressure on me in any sense. What´s your opinion please (you are never wrong, in my case 100% right). Thank you very much in advance and wish you a nice weekend.:-))
Hopeful; September 9, 2016 at 5:48 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Hopeful,
"Mirror, do you see any red flags I should be cautious about?"

Yea - DON'T make emotional investments into a man you've never met, and have not confirmed his identity.

I'm not saying anything is necessarily "off" here. All I'm saying is that you do not currently have enough verified facts that justify any type of emotional investment yet, ya' know?

"I have got used to him because he is always there and doesn´t put any pressure on me in any sense. What´s your opinion please."

Reliability is great. It's a positive sign. But you need to proceed with a bit of caution because you know very little about this man. So as you proceed, just be mindful of not making any hefty emotional investments into this man yet because he's a virtual stranger ;-); September 12, 2016 at 10:05 AM
Anonymous said...: I recently started online dating again after being in a relationship for just over 2 years. That ended a couple months ago. I've received a few messages since I've re-joined the site I'm on, just trying to put myself out there again - trying to be brave. I'm in no rush, I'm always cautious. I know how discouraging it can be, so I'm trying to not have any expectations. I ultimately just want to get back to being ME, meet new people, and hopefully meet a real man who's actions speak louder than his words. Tired of being disappointed and "let down". Before I met my "ex", I was on the same site and I noticed it took 2 months for any contact to begin at all. Same has happened now too.
I first received a message from a "player", he gave his # right away, didn't ask ME anything and proceeded to call me sexy. I almost ignored it, but then thought I'd have some fun with it - I offered MY #, and mentioned how I didn't know his name/he didn't know mine, but to text me nonetheless and let me know who he was. A test. He failed miserably. He texted the next day and told me his name, we had some small chit-chat and again, he didn't ask ME about myself. I didn't respond for hours, sometimes the whole day. He kept messaging when I wouldn't answer and seemed really desperate and insecure. He then proceeded to "flirt" - got really inappropriate and sexual and talk about how well "endowed" he was and ask if I'd like to see it. I declined and I deleted his #. Never heard from him again. Didn't "buy" whatever he was trying to sell me.
In his profile, it stated he was looking for a relationship and in his initial message he said he wanted to get to know each other, etc. Complete BS. That was about a month ago, he made a new profile (similar username), and of course I recognized it when he sent me another message on the site! - Same "generic" opening too, "hey beautiful, text me, want to get to know you and make you laugh, etc" - Doesn't this guy remember he got my number before and already shown me who he is? Must be missing a few screws or something. I deleted that message and blocked him. All I can really do is laugh and just shake my head. He should just try a "bar" - I clearly state in my profile what I'm looking for/not looking for - a "hookup", to hang out on your couch and be a "side-piece", fwb, etc. I specify to not be contacted or bothered if that's what they're looking for - That's the thing that discourages me, when men can't READ or be respectful and totally waste everyone's time and "misuse" the site for what it's actually intended for.
Other messages from other men have come in - They've actually asked "How are you, etc" and have made conversation. I responded to a "how are you" after 5 days - I was busy, haven't received a response back from him in about a week. Not waiting, just find it kind of odd.
Another guy who messaged me got a bit further - usual small talk back and forth over a few days, asked what I was up to - we were approaching the weekend at that point. Told him my plans, asked about his weekend, etc. Then he said he was doing the same as me basically, but "could still make time" and sent a smile :) - Not sure what he means by that, if he's trying to "rush" something or just saying he was busy but could still make time for ME - to talk, etc. Being a gentleman? I haven't responded in a few days, because I'm unsure of his statement and how to respond. If he was hinting at meeting over the weekend, it would be way too soon anyway. We're still complete strangers, don't know each other's names, any other info. Any suggestions?; September 13, 2016 at 1:00 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Sep 13, 1:00 PM,
"Same "generic" opening too, "hey beautiful, text me, want to get to know you and make you laugh, etc. . .Doesn't this guy remember he got my number before and already shown me who he is?"

No, he doesn't. That's what happens when you're playing the numbers game and hitting up so many women daily that you need a canned email intro just to be able to do so.

Imagine trying to send 25, 50 or 100 emails to women each day, and personally writing them all? Unless he's unemployed, who has the time? Hence, the canned email (which is a big red flag about how he's approaching dating - like a numbers GAME. Keyword there being GAME, as in "not serious and only playing.")

"He should just try a "bar"

LOL, he can't. There's not enough time in an evening to have the odds he has now online. If he were to go to bars and throw out 25, 50 or 100 "feelers" he'd be at this morning, noon and night ;-)

"Told him my plans, asked about his weekend, etc. Then he said he was doing the same as me basically, but "could still make time" and sent a smile :) - Not sure what he means by that, if he's trying to "rush" something or just saying he was busy but could still make time for ME - to talk, etc. Being a gentleman?"

Nah, gentlemen don't behave like that. They take dating seriously, they take the women they're interested in seriously, and they don't make hints about making time to squeeze you in for a hookup. That's what that sounds like to me.

"I'm very busy this weekend, but I can squeeze you in on Saturday between 7:00 and 7:03 for some humping." LOL -- three minutes of pure bliss ;-)

"Any suggestions?"

Personally, I wouldn't spend too much time on this one either. But if you just want to be sure he's not being misunderstood right now, you can respond with:

"My weekend turned out to be very hectic. Here's my number if you'd like to give me a call."

'Nuff said. Ball is in his court. Will he take it and run a slam dunk? Will he drop it, trip over himself, and lose the game? Or will he just dance around dribbling it endlessly, pretending for as long as he can that he's really gonna' do something with it?

That's what you'll find out. And if it turns out that you don't hear from him within a week, move on. If you hear from him again via email and he's acting like you never gave him your number, move on.

If he does what a man should do, and picks up the phone to show you some respect, have a conversation with you, and ask you on a date. . .proceed accordingly and make plans to meet somewhere for dinner about 3 days later.

Whatever you do, don't rush out that same night to meet him. If you do that, he's going to think you're desperate, and he's going to expect to get laid that night. And don't accept any lame date offers. No sitting in a park at night, no sitting in a car a night, no sitting around on anyone's sofa like buddies.

If he wants you to view him as a romantic prospect, then he has to act like a gentlemen to trigger romantic notions of him. (Otherwise, he's just another chump seeking something quick and easy, and feeling entitled to it without lifting a finger ;-); September 13, 2016 at 4:03 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you for your response.

Yes that's what I was concerned about, if this 3rd man is hinting or showing genuine interest. Mind you we're only in the very beginning stages of communication, a few messages back and forth and basic questions.
I felt I could take his statement either way, came off sort of cryptic.
I did send something quick back and told him something along the lines of "A "stranger" could still make time?", impressive! - a feeler for him I guess. To see what he meant exactly. If he'll explain himself.
I would never jump and meet some random guy I don't know right away or go on a "lame" date.
I also feel a man should initiate the "getting your number" part, if I offered that right away, it would feel as if I was pursuing instead of the other way around. If he can "make time", he can ask for my number, and continue from there.

He did respond to my message, fairly quickly too. He's the first man to reply in a proper manner and in an appropriate amount of time as well.
He writes: "Stranger danger haha. Making time is important, some days easier to do than others" - I think he may be genuine. I think it was a "hint" or a clue as to what kind of "man" he is... was being subtle and saying talking to me was "important" and he was making the time to do so. He also has a sense of humor and could maybe sense my confusion or apprehension too. He isn't mentioning anything else that could come off as "creepy" or along the lines of a hookup to me.

I have to say it does make me feel good to have him say he could make time and realize it's important.
I went through a period not too long ago with my ex where I felt I had to beg for a little bit of "time" from him.
Funny how things work... I could get that "time" and attention from a stranger now, but not before when it should have been easy to give it.

That finally hit me earlier today after I finished writing here.
Better late than never I guess.; September 13, 2016 at 8:41 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,
thank you for your positive comment. I expected you to warn me that he might not be single or something along those lines and instead you warn me not to get involved emotionally with someone I have never met. And you are quite right (as usual LOL) because I usually do that. It´s interesting how I almost always responded to his emails just out of routine and never thought about any follow-up outside our online communicaton. However, as soon as he slightly changed his tone (and sent the photo, yes, the photo made a big difference LOL) I am fantasizing like crazy. Yes, I should stop immediately. But I don´t know how. I am very busy, snowed down with work, and yet... Maybe it´s because he hinted meeting before we even exchanged photos, which is extremely unusual on dating sites.So he either doesn´t care whatsoever or he is decent enough of a man to survive meeting a strange woman who he might not find appealing physically but enjoyed correspondence with her (?) And now that we have each other´s photos, if he invited me to meet him, I would again be like that lit up Christmas tree and he would sense my enthusiasm and lost some interest... I really don´t know why I always get so excited because as you know, I am single and on the whole, quite happy. Anyway, thank you very much, Mirror, for your perfect observation and I promise you, I am going to follow your advice completely:-).As Vivian wrote, "I would like to be your success story" (me too).:-)
Have a nice day,
Hopeful; September 14, 2016 at 4:13 PM
Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Hopeful,
"as soon as he slightly changed his tone (and sent the photo, yes, the photo made a big difference LOL) I am fantasizing like crazy."

That's what you need to be cautious about. Because that fantasizing process is actually building up an "ideal" version of him for you. You will then become bound to that ideal, and if the reality turns out to be something completely different, you will end up deeply disappointed.

So don't set yourself up for that ;-)

Because we don't yet know if the photo he sent you is actually him. And we don't yet know if anything he's told you is true. He's selling an "ideal" version of himself to you, but you can't "buy" it yet -- because there are no FACTS to support it at this time.

"he hinted meeting before we even exchanged photos. . .So he either doesn´t care whatsoever, or he is decent enough of a man to survive meeting a strange woman who he might not find appealing physically but enjoyed correspondence with her (?)"

Maybe, maybe not. He hasn't taken any action yet, so we don't know. For all we know, he could TALK about meeting and never actually take any ACTION towards making that happen. It's simply too soon to know.

So as you proceed in an effort to find these things out, just make sure you're keeping things in perspective, and keeping yourself emotionally balanced about it. Don't make any emotional investments into him at this time, because he's a complete stranger. You've never met him, and we have no clue if he'll ever follow through, or turn out to be who he says he is -- or meet the ideal version of himself he's created.

Catfishing happens every day online and people have success with it because others are all too willing to buy what individuals are selling about themselves, without facts to support those things or the individuals identity:

"A catfish is someone who pretends to be someone they're not using Facebook or other social media to create false identities, particularly to pursue deceptive online romances."

So just keep it all in perspective and proceed using logic and common sense. Save your emotions for when real-world happenings actually take place. I'm not saying that's what's taking place here. But given the anonymous approach, and considering that there are very little facts to go by at this point, we can't completely rule it out just yet ;-); September 15, 2016 at 7:52 AM
Gem50 said...: Hi Hopeful,
I have a suggestion because I can relate to when I would get all hopeful and excited and would start thinking ahead of myself and the situation with a new man.

Now, instead of getting too excited about a man who shows interest in me, I get excited about how I am taking care of myself and my changed behavior with interested men. I purposely take time out to think about how I did something differently, etc, and I let that excitement I used to feel about someone else, be about me.

Not to cloud this with another subject, but this reminds me of group therapy for adult children of alcoholics (ACOA). They had a list of common traits or behaviors and one that I have never forgotten was, "addicted to excitement."

I think the same thing could apply to some of us with relationships. We love that "rush," the "potential of what could be," and get way ahead of ourselves and far away from reality.

So, sweet girl, get excited about YOU! Let yourself feel excited about how you are taking care of yourself when you keep your head fully aware of the reality with a new man. And there is nothing wrong with doing it with every instance, no matter how small. Every time you remind yourself that you don't know if what this man is saying is the truth, get excited for you! Cheer yourself on, with a atta' girl.

It works. You still get to feel the excitement, but it is all about how you are taking care of yourself, and no one else has to know it. All they will see is one happy woman, wonder where your joy comes from and want to be part of it (and you'll be swatting these guys off left and right) LOL

hugs to you, keep going ;-); September 15, 2016 at 8:07 PM
Anonymous said...: @Gem50
Hi Gem, happy to hear from you. How are you doing?:-)
Thanks for your response. Spot on. Really, I have never realised I am kind of addicted to excitement and you are right, I am, at least to a certain degree. That will be one of the reasons why I usually choose men who make me feel that way (I generally confuse excitement for falling in love I guess) and let me down later on. I will take your advice to heart and (make an effort to) act upon it. Which means that I will really play it cool this time (if he asks me out). And as you say, I will focus on me - I know it works because e.g. with this particular man I think he has continued the correspondence so happily and regularly because I didn´t show any big interest in him (which I didn´t have to pretend LOL). Now having received his photo the situation has changed but he doesn´t have to know:-).As you say, I will focus on my own excitement and joy instead of imagining what he will or won´t do. And even if he bores me on a date, if he seems decent, I will give him a chance.
Thanks again for your supportive words.Have a nice weekend,
Hopeful; September 16, 2016 at 3:14 PM
Gem50 said...: Hi again Hopeful,
I am doing fine, thanks for asking.
It didn't work out with the Instructor and me. I think he's a good guy, but too many things about him just didn't add up; he was too pushy, and I felt he was trying to rush me into a relationship and more.

Within weeks of dating he was telling me that he loved me. This time I handled things a lot differently. I asked him how he knows he loves me when he doesn't really know me yet. I told him I thought it was too early for that and told him of my concerns of being rushed. When he didn't change his behavior, I took notice.

Unfortunately, instead of backing off, he expected more relationship behavior from me. When he didn't get it, he went silent and I am not chasing him. No thank you.

But this experience with Instructor was very valuable in so many ways. It showed me how a man who is serious pursues a woman and I gained practice in setting my boundaries and not being pushed into something I am not ready for, or don't want to do.

Don't get me wrong, I failed a couple times. I did a few things and went to a couple places with him that I didn't want to go -- but I did it for him and to observe his behavior. Which I guess is what dating is about. The key was I had told him I didn't want to go to a couple places, yet he wanted to go and asked me to go with him. I could have said no, but I said yes because I was giving this a chance and thought maybe it would be different this time, maybe going with him would be different -- it was different alright, it was worse! LOL

Anyway, that being said, I'm still good. Life continues to move on, my kids are great and I have a wonderful new hobby that I am investing myself in, and I love it. Einstein said it: The purpose of humans is to create. (I think this is his greatest gift of insight to us all.)

Keep taking care of yourself Hopeful and all the ladies here. You are worth it!
((((hugs)))); September 17, 2016 at 6:15 AM
Anonymous said...: @Gem
It´s a pity that it didn´t turn out well with the Instructor, I am sorry to hear about that. But as you wrote, at least you gained some more experience and had a chance to put in practice your newly acquired knowledge and behave as your new self. I think that if he was decent but you perceived him as pushy, I guess it means he must have had a lot of expectations. So if you are not completely put off by him already, I think there´s still a chance provided he comes to his senses and understands what he did wrong. We women often act in a similar way:-(.And maybe he simply did you a favour and vacated a place by your side to allow a gentleman more suitable for you to date you. In any case, despite a touch of sadness in your posting I firmly believe that everything is all right and the best thing is that you (we) are on the right path (finally!). No more men who destroy us. Only men who contribute to our wellbeing and who accept us the way we are.
I will be looking forward to your next news. Take care and keep smiling,
Hopeful:-); September 18, 2016 at 2:54 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror/Ladies,

Just curious what you think about ex's (2 of them now) viewing/checking out your dating profile online?
They obviously know it's me from my pictures, but why go and read my profile anyway? I can see this, I get the notifications.

One even LIED on his new profile about absolutely everything (age, job, etc) He claimed he was in a 7 year relationship (he wasn't), he claimed he was new in town (he's not).
Totally insecure and fishing for attention and trying to look better than he really is.

I just don't understand the need or motivation to do these stupid things. A lie is a lie is a lie... and they catch up eventually.
I know karma will bite him in the ass too, and soon.

Meanwhile I have a lineup of men just itching to speak to me and getting lots of attention on the site. I'm doing a lot of filtering, asking smart questions, etc.

I'm also at 3 weeks NC with the recent ex - I would usually cave after 2 weeks but I haven't. I don't have a single urge to reach out, no temptation at all.
I do have something written out for him (an email) - a "blast" for him if you will.
I've had it for a while, I've read it to myself numerous times and have gained clarity over the situation and HIM as a person.
Would it be wise to send that after the 30 days is up? - It's not for closure or anything. It's to get it away from me, off my chest, off my mind, gone forever.
I feel he deserves it for all he put me through - as bitter or vengeful as that sounds. You can't hurt people and destroy them and not expect the same treatment. I've been silent for 22 days.

I've been debating that for a long time now, swaying between (why bother, he's not worth it, etc) to (F*ck him, he does deserve it, etc)
I know he wouldn't reply, I wouldn't even want him to, or even care. Just feel a "need" or something. If I can let it go into the virtual universe, maybe it would help ME, it wouldn't be on my mind anymore, I wouldn't have to deal with it. He would have to deal with what he caused.
I usually speak my mind, he knows I do too, I would usually speak up right away. It's been weeks now and I can only assume that he's wondering about me and that he's probably waiting or expecting an email or text from me.

What would you do?; September 20, 2016 at 4:58 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Sep 20, 4:58 AM,
"If I can let it go into the virtual universe, maybe it would help ME"

Personally, I wouldn't bother doing that. Remember, what you put out there tends to come right back. Via the Law of Attraction, the universe must balance the energy you send out - by sending that type of similar energy right back to you.

Besides, all that will do is possibly open the door for communication (when he attempts to "convince" you that he's not all the things you're stating he is in this "blast").

The best revenge - is doing well.

It always has been. And when you don't look back and pay them any mind, it sends the message even better.

If you begin doing the opposite and looking back, and becoming emotional (anger, sadness, regret, frustration) via written or spoken correspondence. . .then all that tells them is that you've put a lot of thought, energy, and time into them (i.e. you're not doing as well as they thought, and they're still on your mind).

The best thing for yourself all the way around is to continue moving forward, without stepping back to revisit the past ;-); September 20, 2016 at 8:31 AM
Anonymous said...: For me, I can’t say online dating.

I first inboxed my ex on Facebook after having dumped him brutally 9 years ago when I was immature and there was no Facebook at that time. He was very doting on me. With no justified reason, I broke up with him.

I apologized for my wrong behaviour. Told him I got married and had to leave due to serious issues and that karma bites for what I did to him. He said he long has forgiven me. He spoke how he always kept me in a special space in his heart, etc.

The communication last over two days and then ended.

Then, after 1 and a half year, i.e, since last week, I inboxed him on Facebook and asked how he was. He told me he was doing pretty bad as his marriage didn’t last. He’s now divorcing. We kept in touch every day since that day:

He explains his woes with the court case, his new job, how his relationship broke down, etc. Of course, I morally support him.

Also, he called me on Facebook and we spoke a couple of times in these days. He was high after some drinks and told me how he always felt I was the only girl he fell in love with, etc, etc. The third time that we spoke, we bonded deeper: me, who’s now caring of him due to guilt and him, who always has this special thing for me and still does.

However, the following day, when we messaged on Facebook, he said that I’m his “close and good friend, that’s all”. He added “he isn’t good enough for me for a second chance and that he doesn’t want to break my heart”. In the same chat, he goes on to dedicate plenty of songs for me and calling me names like my baby, bouba, etc, telling me he thinks of me. He also called me and when I didn’t respond he messaged me to ask me not to sleep and called a few times.

The reality was that I felt asleep after having cried due to whatever he said, i.e, due to the above phrases. Since the messages that he sent when I felt asleep and the missed calls on Facebook, I didn’t respond back because I’m hurting. It’s been a whole day.

Can you people or The mirror give their perspective about this situation? I’m sad, right now.; September 25, 2016 at 11:07 AM
Anonymous said...: To Anonymous who wrote on September 25, 11:07am

For me, all I can say is regret is a funny thing sometimes. Sounds like he has regret, and so do you. You both have since gone through relationship breakdowns/divorce, you have that in common. Karma is real too and it makes people look back on their past and reflect and wonder and then comes the regret finally.
We ultimately have to live with the choices we made and can't go back in time and change it. It is sad. I know what you are feeling.

It's why I feel being friends with an ex and being close like that just can't/doesn't work out in the end. You are bonded somehow and some really personal, intimate things are shared, therefore just making things hard and can affect you emotionally and bring back painful memories.
My ex wanted to be friends and said he wanted to stay and be a part of my life that way - I refused. I know the repercussions it can have. He lost me - just like this ex of yours has lost you too. It needs to be a complete loss. Personally, I can't be friends with people who have hurt me, maliciously and intentionally I might add.
You reap what you sow in the end and sometimes it is better to just cut all ties and communication, cease the hurt and the pain.
I believe my ex will experience that or already is (the regret), we are not speaking but I see him online and he seems lonely and wants attention and is very insecure. He thought of himself as a failure - a loser. I supported, encouraged, believed in him and put a lot of faith into him. He couldn't or didn't want to accept that kind of love and so now he has nothing. His way of thinking was negative all the time - it turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy. He has failed at every relationship, at everything in his life. He has no children, he has never been married or even lived with anyone, a "life" with someone was offered to him on a silver platter and he turned it down. He wanted to be happy, but really didn't know how to be happy or see it standing in front of him. He wanted children with me, but turned around and said he couldn't "afford" one - he's adopted (his biological parents probably couldn't "afford" him) yet he would do the exact same that was done to him, he has the same attitude. I feel sorry for him.

That pain and sadness doesn't go away overnight, it is gut-wrenching. Cry if you need to, it's OK. Scream if you have to, do whatever you have to do. But please keep moving forward and living your life - he is not a part of it anymore.; September 26, 2016 at 10:20 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello Anonymous who replied on September 26, 2016 at 10:20 AM to my post of September 25, 2016 at 11:07 AM (Anonymous):

Many thanks for your warmth and for sharing your experiences.

It’s been four days now since we’ve no contact.

Our last interaction was when I responded to his missed calls and messages on Facebook and here’re our exchanges:

Me: Hello HisName. Sorry for missing calls. Hope you're fine.
Him: Hello Dear.. am fine.. sorting out my work bag for tomorrow..
Hope ur fine as well.
Me: I’m fine, thanks.

No contact till now. What happened to us? Why did we message like strangers? Can Mirror or any of you help me figure this out? I need closure.

K; September 29, 2016 at 2:21 PM
Nervous Nelly 🙂 said...: Hi
I'm soo happy to have found this blog and the great information it contains.
I'm 46 yr female, and recently got onto online dating.
I met my ex online (55yr , upper management professional) we stayed together for three and a half years....turned out he was not interested in a commitment. The last year of the relationship was a roller coaster....him deciding if he wanted to be in the relationship or not. So one time when he was saying he was confused again about whether to be single or not....I just released him and stated that I think we shouldn't be in a relationship either.
He was very happy and stated that he wanted to be friends...I told him I can't be friends with someone who I've just broken up with....he was so confused about this and kept harping on the friends issue... but I think he just wanted the f buddy arrangement, (due to several comments he made that I pretended not to hear).
When I put my dating profile up online I received a text from the ex stating that he can't believe that I'm back online so quickly (it had only been about a month) and how could I do that (he stated that a friend was on the site and that's how he saw the profile).
I was very annoyed at him thinking that he had any say in what I did anymore.
I promptly deleted my profile.
I had dating site chat contact with one man during the brief time online, he seemed lovely and we had many hobbies in common. During one chat he requested my phone number, I told him that I don't give out my number, so he gave me his number. I didn't contact him but saved his number and continued to chat with him online. We found out quite a bit about each other's background and likes and dislikes during this time(about two weeks).
....That's when the ex texted me about being on the dating site and I deleted my profile.....
I still had the phone number of the man I had been chatting to (now that I've discovered this blog I know I did the wrong thing) ....I texted him.
He was so happy that I made contact, he wondered why I disappeared off the dating site.
Now he calls me every couple of days, and we text each other. He seems super keen. I actually told him to slow down and that his extreme enthusiasm was a concern for me. He proceeded to tone things down. This has made me feel more comfortable about this being a potential friendship/relationship, it would be a LDR (4hrs drive) so we haven't met yet.
Soon I will be visiting relatives close to his area, and he said he would love to take me out for dinner, we have had a few sexy talks, but I wanted to make it clear this wasn't going to happen during my visit. So I told him very bluntly.
I've booked a room in his town and he asked if he could also take me on a picnic near the ocean while I was in town. Stating that he wants to 'wine and dine me' and that the woman should be treated like a queen.
Should I believe all this flowery talk.
He's quite a rugged outdoors type, which is great because that's one thing that I love...the outdoors and the ex hated.
I think he is quite shy he's 50 yrs old and he's only had two long term relationships (one 16yrs and one 5 yrs).
What do you think about the whole thing.
Nervous Nelly ��; October 8, 2016 at 2:06 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Nervous Nelly,
"Should I believe all this flowery talk."

No, you should not. At this point, it's all only talk. Actions speak louder than words. You do not know each other yet, and you've never met. Trust is not given, it's earned. He may very well be a great man. But that doesn't change the fact that he's not proven himself trustworthy yet, and you do not know him. At this point, he's a stranger and there's no reason to grant trust to a complete stranger just yet.

"What do you think about the whole thing."

It's too soon to tell. But I will say, for first dates, I believe it's best if the man come to the woman. This helps her build trust. It helps her to see that yes, he is genuinely interested. He came all this way and he put some work into this. You never want to be too accommodating early on. Otherwise, it becomes a fast track to being taken for granted. If a man feels he can order you up like a pizza, it's only down hill from there. You don't want to give that impression early on, so be careful with that.

If you're genuinely going to visit friends and just stopping over to have a brief meeting with him, I would not make a habit of this. If he does not have to invest any work into the situation himself, you're not going to know where you stand with him.

Because again, actions speak louder than words. After this brief visit, it should be up to him to take action in the future, and put some work into seeing you ;-); October 10, 2016 at 9:12 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

I am on a free dating site and chatting with different guys. My profile says "wishing to date but nothing serious". I ended a LT relationship 2 months ago. I have been enjoying some nice online casual conversations. Most of the guys just want to make small talk so I have not met anyone off line yet. I prefer to chat online for at least 2 weeks before considering a meeting.

This one guy who says in his profile he is attached started to send messages. At first I was going to ignore it due to his status of living with someone but the subject of his first message was hilarious, so from there we started a regular chi-chat. For me, it's all just fun.

About 2 days after messaging with him, he sends me his phone number and asks if I want to text and get together in a few days, to walk in the park. Told him I am not looking for anything, especially not sex, so I would have to decline his invitation. He comes back to say he just wants "friends" also and wants nothing more than some company.

Mirror, why would a guy hand out his phone number so soon and invite you to meet. He didn't mention sex at all, just a casual walk.

I am tempted to go just for a casual walk and talk. Should I? Also, why would he hand out his cell phone number so easily if he is actually living with someone? Isn't this risky, the partner noticing all these texts coming in from some other woman.

Is it a good idea to see this guy as a "friend" like he says, or should I think he has ulterior motives? Should I be concerned? Am I just naive here?

Katie; October 16, 2016 at 8:23 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Katie,
"I prefer to chat online for at least 2 weeks before considering a meeting."

I'd slide one phone conversation in there before the actual meeting. You can learn an awful lot about someone when actually speaking to them. And it can save you hours of misery sitting across the table from someone who, after 5 minutes of conversation, you realize is not a match.

I believe it's rude for a man to expect a woman to meet him without ever having spoken to them first. He's a complete and total stranger. If there's no build-up to a personal connection before meeting them, the meeting often feels strange and awkward. This hinders a woman from really relaxing and being her true self on the date. Which ultimately can hinder a connection from being felt at the meeting.

"Mirror, why would a guy hand out his phone number so soon and invite you to meet. He didn't mention sex at all, just a casual walk."

This guy's a scoundrel. No man is going to flat out tell you up front they'd like to use you for sex. So of course he says it's just for a walk in the park. But mind you, a walk in the park isn't all that impressive. And walking in a park with a man who's out there betraying the woman he lives with isn't an event any logical woman would want to willingly become a part of. It's just not right. And if he's betraying someone else when you meet him, he'll betray you someday, too. So to me, there's absolutely no point in it. He's looking to cheat. And he's attempting to disarm you to aid him in that.

"Also, why would he hand out his cell phone number so easily if he is actually living with someone?"

Because he's a cheat, and he's doing this all the time, which is why he's so comfortable with it. He's likely hooking up with women online regularly.

"Isn't this risky, the partner noticing all these texts coming in from some other woman."

Yep - which is why I would not become the third person in his relationship.

"Is it a good idea to see this guy as a "friend" like he says, or should I think he has ulterior motives?"

No, he's not doing this for friendship. Friends with benefits - yea. Platonic friendship - no. He has ulterior motives for sure. If he were simply seeking to make friends with people. . .then why is he only making friends with WOMEN on an online dating site?

If he were genuinely seeking to make new friends, he'd seek male friendships first and he wouldn't go to a dating site to find them. He'd be seeking guys to hang out with, play sports with, watch sports with, have a beer with, etc. But he's not doing that. He's on a dating site, seeking "friendship" with women. His actions reveal his intentions. And his intention is to find women that are willing to provide sex as "friends" with benefits.; October 17, 2016 at 9:19 AM
Anonymous said...: Mirror,

Please help!

I've been online dating now for just over two months, have had no luck whatsoever, yet I get great compliments on my profile for being a "straight shooter". I'm brutally honest and direct and I specify to not be contacted for hookups, fwb's, and do not appreciate dirty pictures/nudes. There's a corner nearby for the low, low price of $20 if they need it that bad.
However, I keep receiving messages from these "men" who are looking for just what I'm trying to avoid and being disrespectful and bothering me with their "junk" anyway. In the wee hours of the morning, usually saying a one word opener or flat out asking to meet in the dark for sex. I received a message late Friday night: "Where are you, I'll call a cab right now". Or another who made brief conversation, asked what I was looking for and then decided to go out on a limb: "I haven't been with a woman in a while, I swear I'm clean, discreet and yadda yadda". I block and report them and do the best I can.
How else can I combat this? Why do they feel the need to still keep doing this? I'm utterly disgusted and fed up quite frankly - At the same time, I know I am weeding these players and creeps out, but it's just getting really old.
My profile is clean too, meaning - I don't have any provocative pictures, just head shots - the rest of me is worth way more anyway. I am very detailed and honest and not interested in beating around the bush or wasting my time. It's like I'm giving the men exactly what they want - no games, fakes, lies, etc. And I get bottom of the barrel?

The other part of the problem I'm having includes a man I've been texting with now for just about a month. We seem to click and get along pretty well and have a lot in common. He has even said some revealing things like: I have caught his interest, he talks to me more than his own friends sometimes, he likes "who" I am, has complimented me a few times, etc. And even has subtly hinted at getting together to meet (do coffee, etc) I didn't jump on it right away but did show interest/would consider it and have been replying to his messages and continuing to talk. I now feel as though he just may want a texting buddy and someone to help him pass the time. I don't want a virtual relationship - I want a real one. One where you actually talk face to face and go out and do normal things together. I don't hear from him sometimes for days, and then in turn mirror his behavior and reply the same amount of time later. He also said the site wasn't doing it for him anymore, he lost interest... and then ends up online a day or two later - actions and words don't line up. I don't bring it up or let it bother me, just making an observation and watching him carefully.
I just feel stuck in this mess we call "dating".

I've also noticed something about other men on the site I'm using. They list "not looking for a relationship" but then in their description they say they are looking to talk to new people. What's the point of being on an online dating site if you don't want to date? I guess they just aren't serious enough, or do want the whole "friends with benefits" deal or want their ego fed and just want some attention and someone to talk to when no one else will and they're alone? (Insecurity); October 24, 2016 at 1:22 AM
Anonymous said...: Chatting for 2 weeks with a fellow online, we met once so far. When he started initiating talks, he would focus a lot about all the blood tests he was getting and whether he would need to get treatments. He hasn't revealed much else about himself, other than how long he has lived here and other surface stuff. Do you think this is a pity ploy, to get women to feel sorry for him? He is rather closed mouthed about anything else of significance in his life.

After week 2 we met and went for a drink. He then told me he has leukemia and taking chemo 3 x a week. He has to have a bone marrow transplant in 2 months also. He really did not look sick to me, but I am not a doctor, so maybe I shouldn't judge.

I am wondering if he is making it all up about having this critical disease. Why would he be online so much talking to different women and looking for a relationship? Wouldn't he be tired out from all those treatments? If this was me, looking for a relationship and dating would be the furthest thing from my mind. My health and getting lots of rest would take priority.

What do you think about this Mirror? I am aware people can be fake online so am treading rather cautiously with this one.

Anne.; November 16, 2016 at 3:09 AM
Unknown said...: I have been dating this man online for around two months.He's the only one I'm seeing.The thing is he seems more interested in me than me to him.He wants to see me on one of my days off from work.I am just not as interested in him as he is me.The thing is I hate to hurt him but sometimes I like my alone time.I had told him that we could see each other.But that if we see someone else we would like to see than just let the other no.So anytime I don't see him he assumes I'm on a date with someone else.I assure him that if thats the case I would tell him.; December 4, 2016 at 12:22 PM
Anonymous said...: In online dating: If he asked me out, and we agreed about the first date on next week but didnt specify the exact day, can I write him to ask which day we should meet then? Because it was 5 days ago that we agreed and the week is almost over and he hasn’t written me yet to ask which day to meet up.
Should I give up on this guy?; January 5, 2017 at 5:15 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 5, 5:15 PM,
"agreed about the first date on next week but didnt specify the exact day, can I write him to ask which day we should meet then?"

No - it's not up to you, the woman (submissive), to do the man's part (leading).

A man's role when dating is to lead and initiate. The woman's role is choosing whether to submit to the man's lead or not.

When a woman steps into the man's role and attempts to take the lead and do the work to keep the relationship afloat, she's secretly signaling that she's desperate for the man's attention. Because if she were not, she would not step into his role and would remain firmly in hers.

As a woman, you should not have to remind a man that you exist. Nor should you have to do the work for him. If you're dating a man and you need to constantly prod him and touch base to remind him you exist because if you don't - you never hear from him - then his actions (and lack thereof) are telling you that he's a waste of time, and he's not genuinely interested.

Because a man that is genuinely interested does not need reminded. He takes the lead, he initiates contact, he is courteous and respectful of the woman's time and sets dates firmly in advance, and he makes her a priority and treats her seriously. He does not treat her carelessly or casually, like an afterthought.

"Should I give up on this guy?"

If a man cannot even bother to set plans for a date firmly in place for a second date, and he acts casual and carefree - as if he could care less whether or not this date actually takes place and isn't lifting a finger to do anything about it - then he's not a man deserving of more of your attention.

If he cannot even bother to GIVE you HIS attention, then why bother giving HIM more of YOURS?; January 6, 2017 at 8:35 AM
Layla said...: Hi, I just chanced upon your article and I appreciate all the do's and dont's you've shared. I have been messaging with this guy on Match.com and we have exchanged 4 messages each. On his 5th messaged he asked if I would like to chat face to face but he did not offer his number and neither did he ask for mine. I am not sure if my approach should be to simply say yes, I am interested to meet and chat face to face and not give my number. Should I give my number or wait for him to offer his number instead?

I'm typically the kind of woman that loses interest if the man can't keep the momentum. I think after 3 messages each, the guy should ask to meet or offer his number so we can start communicating offline. But I am willing to take a step back, not be aggressive and allow the man to chase me. Should I write back and say I would love to meet and chat face to face and wait for him to offer his number? Or should I give my number and ask him to call/text me?
I feel this guy is being prudent and he is not being aggressive either. So I think I'll
mirror his pace and practice patience.

Thank you :)

~Layla; March 24, 2017 at 5:23 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Layla,
"I am not sure if my approach should be to simply say yes, I am interested to meet and chat face to face and not give my number."

Respond by saying "Yes, I'm interested in chatting face to face, here's my number." That way, the ball is in his court. As a man, he should then take action.

"Should I give my number or wait for him to offer his number instead?"

It's not your place to be the aggressor or the leader (initiate the call). Give the man your number and then see if he takes action (i.e. steps up to the plate and takes the lead as he should).

"I think after 3 messages each, the guy should ask to meet or offer his number so we can start communicating offline."

Any man that offers you his number and expects YOU to do the man's work (take the lead and initiate) -- isn't really a man you want to date.

Why?

Because he's behaving as if he is the woman (passive, submit) and you're the man (leader, initiator). It's a complete role reversal. In nature - man leads, woman submits. When a man expects YOU to lead, while he SUBMITS - he's flip flopping the roles. And nine times out of ten, men who do that then start complaining about you "chasing them down" - when meanwhile, that's exactly what they've signaled to you that they want you to do.

Don't fall for that.

A real man leads.

"I am willing to take a step back, not be aggressive and allow the man to chase me. Should I write back and say I would love to meet and chat face to face and wait for him to offer his number?"

If you're not going to lead -- then why would you need his number? HE should be calling YOU (leading, initiating). . .YOU should NOT be calling HIM.

"Or should I give my number and ask him to call/text me?"

I would say, "Yes, I'm interested in chatting face to face, here's my number." That way, the ball is in his court. As a man, he should then take action, take the lead, and be the one to pick up the phone and call.

"I feel this guy is being prudent and he is not being aggressive either."

He might be playing games to see if he can get you to chase him - to see if he can get you to hunt him down, beg for his number, and pick up the phone and call him.

Don't do it.

Women who behave like that are signaling to men that they're easily manipulated, they don't value themselves highly, and as a result. . .they're desperate for male attention (enough so that they'll chase to get it).

And a LOT of men online "fish" for desperate women to play emotional games with. And they do it by behaving inconsistently and in an unreliable manner that isn't straight-forward. . .to see if they can trigger the woman's insecurities in order to get her to chase them down. And that's when the games begin. So don't fall for it.

A man that is genuinely interested will take the lead. He will be clear and honest and up front with you. His actions will align with his words. And he will follow through promptly.

A man that does not do the above -- is a half interested man that will likely play games, keep you guessing, keep you anxious, trigger your insecurities, cause you to question yourself, have sex with you a few times and then disappear (claiming he doesn't want a relationship, or that you're moving too fast, or that you were too aggressive, etc.)

Don't fall for that trap ;-); March 27, 2017 at 11:01 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, I'm 31 and out of a longterm relationship over a yr and a half ago now. I've never been married, no kids, stay in shape, attractive, healthy, have a great job, financially independent, have my own place etc. I've been trying online dating for several months. I've tried multiple apps, and I put in time and effort into picture and my profile. I usually have a full inbox on these sites. However, I will say, that I have yet to meet a quality guy. I have gone out with at least 10 men, and for the most part, it's even hard to land an actual Date. Men do not want to spend money or effort on the first meeting, they even told me that straight up, saying it's just a first meeting and not an actual date. Most often then not, I get guys inviting me over to their place, or wanting to just hangout. There's never any Real premade plans, ever. And i have dated men from all walks of life too, some highly educated who have a lot to offer, others not so much. But they all have this in common, they do not want to DATE DATE, they just want to "hangout" or "meetup", and their effort and consistency just isn't there. I don't know what to do. I don't know if it's because i'm not connecting to men on an emotional feminine level or what? They act as if they could take it or leave it honestly. But it's becoming too tiring to try to meet, date, and start a real relationship with anyone. I feel like all I do is waste my time. Is there anything you would suggest? I do everything as you say as far as online dating, and sometimes I land maybe 1 or 2 dates with a quality guy, but he quickly loses interest after... one man even told me, that he has done enough work here and that I can start making an effort to plan dates for us. "That I can work as much as him." He literally said those words. So I tried it his way, and he blew me off several times, to the point where we no longer speak! I have yet to meet a man who seems to be genuine, consistent, and to where his behavior aligns with wanting commitment in the future. Please help :-( I'm about to throw in the towel.; May 15, 2017 at 11:57 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 15, 11:57 AM,
"I've been trying online dating for several months. I've tried multiple apps, and I put in time and effort into picture and my profile. I usually have a full inbox on these sites. However, I will say, that I have yet to meet a quality guy."

Join the club LOL - you're not alone there dear ;-)

"Men do not want to spend money or effort on the first meeting, they even told me that straight up, saying it's just a first meeting and not an actual date."

Yea, lots of lazy men participate in online dating -- because they're lazy. They don't realize that when you ASK A WOMAN OUT, it's actually a damn date LOL.

The very definition of a date is:

"a social or romantic appointment or engagement"

When a man makes an appointment with you, to meet you, whether it's romantic or social. . .it's considered a date.

"Most often then not, I get guys inviting me over to their place, or wanting to just hangout."

Again, lazy cheap low quality men. Do NOT accept sofa dates:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2014/04/new-dating-trend-sofa-date-hookup.html

"But they all have this in common, they do not want to DATE DATE, they just want to "hangout" or "meetup", and their effort and consistency just isn't there."

Yep. And I don't want to say this but I'm going to - as women, we ONLY HAVE OURSELVES TO BLAME FOR THIS.

If women did not accommodate these disrespectful requests by men, they wouldn't continue doing it. They'd be forced to up their game. But because they get away with it, they continue doing it.

"They act as if they could take it or leave it honestly."

Yea, which is why with those types - you leave it.

"Is there anything you would suggest?"

Social events, concerts, festivals, a class of some sort (cooking, pottery or some hobby type of activity where a man with a common interest might be), church, sporting events, friends of friends, etc.

The best odds of success being friends of friends in my opinion, which sometimes requires us to make new friends and expand our social circles.

"one man even told me, that he has done enough work here and that I can start making an effort to plan dates for us. "That I can work as much as him." He literally said those words. So I tried it his way, and he blew me off several times, to the point where we no longer speak!"

Yea, I could've predicted that unfortunately.

Don't listen to assholes that spew that garbage. They're only seeking an ego boost and their request for you to "chase them" (or as he put it, "work" at him more) is the first red flag warning of that.

A man that is GENUINELY interested in you will NEVER say something like that to you - EVER.

Good men, gentlemen, KNOW that good things in life require hard work and don't come easy. They treat women with respect, they remain in their masculine leading role, and making the woman happy makes them happy and makes them feel accomplished as a man.

The other guys spewing that garbage and insecure trolls seeking validation and an ego boost and nothing more. And the more you do what they ask and chase after them, the more they ignore you (to get you to chase them even more).

It's a ridiculous game that gets them nothing but a long line of one night stands and brief flings and hookups with random women they could care less about.

They don't find love. They find themselves old and alone eventually.; May 18, 2017 at 4:06 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, Thank you for your blog. I have a question, what about texting after first date in online dating. I met an older man online, he emailed with his number, I could not email him back bc I lost access to my account, so I just texted him. We texted for about 2 months and talked on phone 1x. He travels a lot, so asked me to lunch when he would be in town. We went out it was a nice time, it is only 1 date and felt I should text him after, then contemplated it after writing it, but it sent accidentally, but I figured okay bc I initially thought to do this. The text was flirty and light: I thanked him and said it was a lovely time, called him handsome in an indirect way, smart directly, it was a playful text. I sent it 24 hrs later. I will definitely leave it alone and give him enough space to pursue. Would love to get your thoughts since this is online date. For future, is this an exception after a date, to just thank a guy for date let him know you had a good time? I need more time and dates to really determine how I feel, but so far so good. We have good texting banter, felt comfortable in person and he alluded to the next date, but I know he will be traveling again. Should women who like masculine men wait for him to initiate no matter what even in online dating scenarios, and from your advice in the Do's and Don'ts of Texting advice article or can a courtesy text to a man after a text be just that and give him permission to pursue? Would love to hear your thoughts on this and anything you want to share regarding. Thanks very much in advance Mirror. Also, he did respond the next day just not in the same way, not saying it was good to see me etc. Just following up in a flirty way. I appreciate it :) Peach in Apple <3; January 22, 2018 at 10:18 AM
Anonymous said...: Such a load of fake crap this write up is. I hand out my number to many females online NOT because I am lazy or a player, but because asking for a number is like winning the lottery, girls are passive and rather keep texting on the dating site for months, so I give it in hopes that it will separate the girls who ACTUALLY want to talk to me and the ones only LOOKING for an EGO BOOST! DUH; January 22, 2018 at 2:09 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 22, 10:18 AM,
"For future, is this an exception after a date, to just thank a guy for date let him know you had a good time?"

You thank him in person, face to face, before parting after the date. Then you can follow the suggestions I provide in this article under the section titled, "After The First Date: Do’s And Don’ts For Women" if you like.

"Should women who like masculine men wait for him to initiate no matter what even in online dating scenarios"

The only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested or not -- is to see if HE pursues HER.

"can a courtesy text to a man after a text be just that and give him permission to pursue?"

He doesn't need a courtesy text or your permission to pursue you. When you thank him in person after the date is over, and tell him you had a great time, etc. -- that's enough for him to know you're interested (and he should pursue you if he's interested as well).

"Also, he did respond the next day just not in the same way, not saying it was good to see me etc. Just following up in a flirty way."

Be careful with that. When a man isn't asking you about yourself or attempting to have general conversation with you that expresses a genuine interest in you -- and instead, he's simply flirting and/or being sexually suggestive. . .it signals that all that's on his mind might be sex (i.e. he's not genuinely interested in dating you, only sleeping with you).; January 22, 2018 at 2:15 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Male,
"I hand out my number to many females online"

And how's that working for you? (I;m going to assume it's not working at all since you're here reading this article.)

The only women that will "bite" on that and jump to call you are women who are desperate for male attention.

Women of value that are seeking a genuine relationship with a man will NOT act on that. They won't even consider it.

You need to remember -- women dating online have literally dozens of men doing the SAME EXACT THING to them every single day. If you want a woman to NOTICE you -- then you have to be DIFFERENT from all the rest that are doing exactly what you're doing.

"asking for a number is like winning the lottery"

Isn't that the entire point?

Isn't the entire point to find ONE woman WORTH dating instead of wasting time talking to dozens of desperate women that aren't worth dating because they're talking to dozens of other men, too?

Isn't the entire point to weed out one good woman to date in consideration for a relationship?

Or are you just there playing the numbers game to seek sex?

Because your end goal is what shapes your approach. If your end goal is sex with whomever is willing to talk to you, then you're approach is spot on. But if your end game is to find one woman - a good woman, a "hit the lottery" type of woman - to possibly have a relationship with. . .then your approach is wrong.

"girls are passive"

Right - because that's their natural gender role. Women are passive, submissive. And men are initiators/leaders.

Women are passive because they're waiting for a man that's a leader to come along. That's how the mating game works for the human species. It's a woman's job to be passive. It's her natural gender role. And as a man, it's your job to show your leadership skills in an effort to win her over (and win the lottery by finding a good woman in a sea of "lesser" women).

Cont. . .; January 22, 2018 at 2:55 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: I feel like you're saying "women are passive" as if this is something you've just learned or realized. Of course they're passive. It's their natural gender role, and as a man, you should know this and accept it. Because as a man, you're role is that of the leader/initiator.

"and rather keep texting on the dating site for months"

I suspect that's because you're not showing any leadership by taking the initiative to ask for their number, so you can call them and actually speak to them on the phone in an effort to get to know them better.

If you enjoy conversation with them on the phone, you'll likely enjoy it in person. And that's when you know this is a girl worth asking on a date.

"so I give it in hopes that it will separate the girls who ACTUALLY want to talk to me and the ones only LOOKING for an EGO BOOST"

Do you realize that you're actually taking on the feminine role here? Do you realize that you're acting as if you're the woman here, and you're sitting in the passive "feminine submissive" role and waiting for the woman to take on your role, the masculine leader/initiator role, and pick up the phone to CALL YOU?

You're the man. Your natural gender role is that of leader/initiator. But instead, you're behaving as if you're the woman and you're taking on her role - the role of passive/submissive. And you're expecting the woman to take on your role and pick up the phone and call you, instead of you showing you're a leader and asking for her number so you can call her.

So instead of you showing your leadership skills and being the one to ask for the woman's number. . .YOU'RE BEING PASSIVE, and expecting the woman to do your job.

It's your job to lead. It's your job to initiate a phone call. It's her job to sit back and wait for a leader to reveal himself to her. And it's her job to decide whether or not to submit to your request.

This is the entire problem modern society has created by flip-flopping natural gender roles around. Men are no longer leaders. Men no longer initiate. Instead, they sit around like passive females waiting for the woman to take on the masculine role and initiate things. And then when the woman starts doing exactly that, and chasing the man down -- the man calls her "psycho" and crazy and runs from her.

What exactly is it that you guys want from a woman?

Do you want a masculine leader who's going to make demands of you? Or do you want a soft feminine woman that's going to fall into a supportive role with you and submit to your lead?

If you want a soft woman that's feminine and is going to submit to your lead, then you need to TAKE ON THE MASCULINE ROLE AND BE A LEADER. You need to show the woman you're a leader and someone she'd want to submit to and follow.

If you want a masculine woman that's used to taking the lead and calling all the shots and making demands of you, then you can play the passive/submissive role as you have been -- and sit back and wait for her to do your job as a man. But mind you, if you approach dating in this manner. . .you're going to end up being chased around by a lot of women making demands of you. And you may even end up dating women that are stronger than you and make you feel emasculated a lot, which is obviously unenjoyable to a man.

Cont. . .; January 22, 2018 at 2:57 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: So like. . .what is it that you want?

Do you want a feminine woman (submissive/passive) that will submit to your lead? Or do you want a masculine woman (leader/initiator) that's going to call all the shots and force you to submit to her lead instead?

Because your approach is going to determine which one of those you "catch."

It's like fishing. If you're fishing for a pretty rainbow trout (feminine woman), you use trout bait (masculine leadership approach).

If you're fishing for a shark (masculine woman), you use shark bait (throw passive submissive dead meat into the water and wait to see who bites).

Opposites attract.

If you want a feminine woman, you need a masculine approach (because feminine women are naturally drawn to masculine men).

If you want a masculine woman, you need a passive/submissive approach (because masculine women are drawn to passive/submissive men that will let them lead and call the shots).

So again I ask, what type of woman do you want? Are you fishing for a feminine woman, or a masculine woman? Because whichever one it is, you need to be the "opposite" of that if you want to catch her attention.

And remember - good women who know their value generally don't respond well, or at all, to men that cast a big giant net into the ocean (and have no real clue what they're fishing for in the first place).

My suggestion to you, as a woman, would be to:

1) Determine what you want in a woman. Figure out what type of woman you're seeking. Is it the "one of a kind, hit the lottery" type of woman worth investing in a possible relationship with? Or is the "any warm body will do because I'm just looking for a good time" type of woman that you can have a possible brief fling with because she's willing to talk to anyone who throws their number at her?

2) Take the proper approach. Once you've determined what you need in a mate, take the proper approach that will help you find her.

I feel like you don't even really know what you need or want in a woman, which is why you're casting such a wide net online. And I say this to help you, not hurt you.

You can take my advice or leave it -- but like. . .I'm an actual woman LOL. I'm pretty much giving you the "secret sauce" here. And there are a lot of women on this site that I'm sure would 100% agree with me on this.

Just read through the comments on this site and you'll see all of them complaining about how men aren't really men anymore. They don't take the lead. They don't treat a woman special. And they feel entitled to a woman's body without ever really lifting a finger to EARN that. I'm not saying you do this.

All I'm saying is that there's a huge wealth of information available to you here, straight from the horses mouth - straight from women - if you're open and willing to listen and learn.

Or, you can always keep doing it your way (and end up reading articles like the one I've written here because things aren't working out as you had planned).; January 22, 2018 at 2:57 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, This is a follow-up to January 22,2018 10:18 AM post. Since that post, we have kept in contact via text and have not seen each other for a 2nd date. He was in my City for business, but I found out last minute, when he invited me to meet him where he was staying in the evening or the next morning, it would have been nice to meet him for lunch, but it was too last minute and unfortunately I could not make it. We both expressed sadness that we would not see each other via text. I suggested another time and called him hoping we could connect over the phone, but we did not. In a prior text, he also expressed wanting to support my goals and keep a smile on my face. I am still getting to know him, but told him I definitely need someone like him in my life. He and I have been chatting for a while now with only 1 date under our belts. Our last text exchange was about the time I could not meet last week or so and I was the last to text -asking if he was asking me out that evening or for future when he suggested dessert and showed me a pic of his fave (sometimes (maybe most) I am clueless and need things spelled out). No response. Should I leave this alone and let him contact me again and let him know I need help to see how he responds to gauge his interest and if he puts actions behind his declaration to gauge how serious he is in me? Or... well I know you don't believe in initiating contact, but I was going to send him a playful text referencing Cinco de Mayo since it is a Holiday or I can just wait until Memorial Day?! I have enjoyed getting to know him and would like to see him again... just not sure where he wants this to go and if I will follow, depending on where that is. We seem to have a connection and that is why we have kept in touch all these months. Thoughts, please? I really appreciate it. ) Peach in Apple <3; May 8, 2018 at 10:44 PM
Anonymous said...: Re. Anonymous January 22, 2018 2:09 PM This man seemingly revealed himself to be the man I am talking about hahaha. Isn't the saying?: Hurt dogs holler. Or like him in that he likes a woman to call first off the website. Now, some men do do this so the woman will feel comfortable (&safe etc.) and can call or text in her own time and I don't mind if that is his intention, but after that the man has my number and needs to lead and initiate contact and dates to show some initiative and that he likes me to which I respond, because I am attracted to a masculine man. Also, if I online date in the future and this happens while there is a mutual interest, then I may just give the man my number too and let him call me instead. Peach in apple <3; May 9, 2018 at 6:04 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Peach in Apple,
"Should I leave this alone and let him contact me again and let him know I need help to see how he responds to gauge his interest and if he puts actions behind his declaration to gauge how serious he is in me?"

I'm sorry to say this dear but - his lack of action is already telling you all you need to know to gauge his level of interest. One date in four months. A man that's genuinely interested in a woman does not let four months pass before asking to see her again. Nor does a genuinely interested man ask the woman out, last minute, after four months of inaction on his part :-(

"I was going to send him a playful text referencing Cinco de Mayo since it is a Holiday or I can just wait until Memorial Day?"

I wouldn't do either of those things. You don't want to give this man the impression that you're desperate and have no other male options.

And you also need to be careful of drawing a half-interested man towards you. Because they WILL take you up on your offer, only to disappear on you again (after possibly sleeping with you). . .because they were only half-interested in the first place. So be careful of drawing this man towards you.

"I am attracted to a masculine man"

Then don't attempt to draw a half-interested one towards you. Instead, keep your options open for the masculine, leading man you seek.

A man that takes no action in four months is not a leading man. And his inaction signals that he's half-interested and/or not serious about dating or building a relationship with a woman.

He's casually dating, and it's safe to assume he's doing that with other women as well. I really wouldn't waste my time waiting around for this man. And I wouldn't bother trying to draw him towards me, only to have him do nothing and take no action again for another four months (and possibly expecting me to be the one to keep this alive).

"I may just give the man my number too and let him call me instead"

The ONLY WAY a woman can know if a man is GENUINELY interested or not -- is to see if HE PURSUES HER. If he does not, and he takes no further action, then you have your answer. If he does, and he takes action, then you have your answer.

Either way, doing nothing is actually doing something. . .and will provide the answer you seek.; May 9, 2018 at 10:25 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, over the past 2months Ive gone out with this guy 7 times. Dates, he pays, we have a lot of fun, and we are usually out all evening into the early morning. He also invites me to do things on the weekends during the day but I've been busy. I'm not exactly looking for anything super serious, or to jump into anything, I date multiple men, and I'm trying to figure out what's out there and what I like. Anyway, I just found out he has a live in gf and young child. I had no idea. I told him I now know, and he says it isn't like i think it is and that he is waiting for her to move out. Obviously I don't believe that. What sucks is, this is actually the 4th guy in a few months, that I have caught lying about major things. They keep up a charade for as long as possible. I'm at the point where I automatically run background screens now because I can not believe any persons words. I'm finding it extremely difficult to trust others, especially any man who has romantic interest. I don't know what to do about this. Any advice is appreciated.; May 13, 2018 at 3:43 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous May 13, 3:43 PM,
"this is actually the 4th guy in a few months, that I have caught lying about major things. . .I'm finding it extremely difficult to trust others, especially any man who has romantic interest. I don't know what to do about this."

Unfortunately, you cannot control others. You can only control your reaction to them.

In this case, you're doing all you can. And you shouldn't automatically trust others anyway. Trust is something that is EARNED and not to be given away freely by default. When you meet new people, man or woman, it is wise NOT to trust them. Instead, let them earn that from you through their actions.

These are the times we live in. It's the sad reality we all must now experience.

So your approach to dating is correct, and it's actually working for you. Nefarious types are not getting away with victimizing you. They're not getting away with lying to you for very long before being found out. You're protecting yourself.

Unfortunately, there's no way to speed that process up. But the good news is this -- these types are not very smart. They THINK they're smarter than everyone else and that arrogance usually becomes the very reason they become discovered as a liar. They don't cover their tracks very well, because they assume no one's smart enough to look. They don't bother to keep their stories straight, because they assume no one's smart enough to remember what they said previously. And it's those two things right there that usually end up giving them away; both of which stem from arrogance.

Don't let them make you feel like a victim. Just because you catch someone lying to you and attempting to use you doesn't mean you're their victim. Remember - they ATTEMPTED to use you, but they DID NOT get away with that. Instead, they got caught. So they were never really able to see their game through and ultimately found themselves on the losing end of it.

In the end, you've ultimately beat them at their own game ;-)

Look at it like this. Any man (or woman) that has a significant other or spouse and is dating online. . .is signaling to you that they're emotionally weak. Right there, you've already got the upper hand. They're emotionally weak and fearful, which is why they've resorted to less than honorable behavior. They're unable to navigate their way out of their current situation and part ways in an upstanding manner as they should and their weakness is being displayed in their actions.

Not only are you beating them at their own game. You're also much stronger than they are emotionally as well ;-); May 14, 2018 at 9:26 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, Question for you: I met a guy online and followed your suggestions above. We met at his restaurant, but he was actually running it, so he was able to sit with me from time to time, it was a bit unconventional. After, we spent some time alone and more time at his nearby apt. In hindsight, it was risky to go to his place, but I viewed it as an extension of the restaurant date to have private alone from the work distractions, since it was right there and took precautions. We spoke and had a nice time. We did kiss and make-out a bit, but that's it and I made it clear about that. I don't regret it, because we had a connection and I don't do that every date. Our date stretched late. He texted me a couple days later... he previously told me he was going away, so I have not heard from him in a few days. I plan to just let him pursue and have been dating other guys. What are your thoughts on kissing on first date and spending the night if it is late in another room? I want to course correct any behaviour or patterns early that may not translate well, because I am marriage-minded so that's why I like your advice. Thank you so much! PnA <3 P.S. Are you going to write a book with all your advice :); June 7, 2018 at 1:45 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous June 7, 2018, 1:45PM,
"I met a guy online. . .We met at his restaurant, but he was actually running it, so he was able to sit with me from time to time, it was a bit unconventional."

That's a HORRIBLE first date. It's more like an interview.

If this guy cannot even give you 100% of his undivided time the very first time he meets you, then he's NOT worth a second date - at all.

That's extremely rude, very unimpressive, and signals that he's a man that could care less and doesn't put any real effort into dating.

Run away from him - now.

"we spent some time alone and more time at his nearby apt."

So this guy not only did NOT give you his undivided attention on a crappy first date, but then he had the nerve to take you straight back to his apartment afterwards???

Again - run, now.

"I viewed it as an extension of the restaurant date. . .to have private alone from the work distractions"

That wasn't a date. Not even close.

And the way for him to remove himself from work distractions. . .is to NOT actually BE WORKING when he's supposedly on a date, and instead take you OUT for a REAL one.

"What are your thoughts on kissing on first date and spending the night if it is late in another room?"

My thoughts on that are this -- if you DON'T want the man to take you seriously under consideration to possibly become a long term partner, then do that.

However, if you WANT the man to take you seriously, and you want him to respect you, and treat you properly with consideration, then DON'T do that.

Put yourself in a man's shoes. . .if you were a guy, and you met a strange girl for the first time, and she was willing to make out with you and spend the night in a strange man's apartment that she just met -- what would you think? Would you think she was wise? Would you think she was smart? Would you think she was independent?

Or would you think she was possibly desperate for male attention, and naive to be so trusting of a complete stranger, and unwise to place herself into that situation willingly?

Man or woman, how you respect yourself is how others will respect you. How you love yourself, is how others will love you. Their perception of you ALL starts with how you treat YOURSELF.

So it's very important to set boundaries upfront immediately, to let others know that you do not make reckless decisions, you take yourself very seriously (so they should take you seriously, too), and you respect yourself (so they should respect you too).

Cont. . .; June 7, 2018 at 3:10 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "I want to course correct any behaviour or patterns early that may not translate well, because I am marriage-minded so that's why I like your advice."

There's just two things to remember, and they're this:

1) If you want a serious relationship, then you have to follow the traditional path that leads to one. That includes formal dating (i.e. dinner dates, movie dates, etc.), firm boundaries (i.e. no hanky panky or fooling around until about the 8th or 9th date, after you know he's going to actually stick around), self-respect (i.e. no spending the night until the man has asked you for a committment), no tolerance for poor treatment from others (i.e. no lame dates, no lies, no "second best," saying one thing and then doing another, etc.), and plenty of time spent together in order to get to know one another before any fooling around takes place (i.e. until about the 8th or 9th date, when you know the man is going to actually stick around and not disappear).

That's the path to a committed relationship.

2) If you just want to go out and have fun, and aren't looking for the man to take you seriously in consideration of a long term committed relationship, and instead you just want a brief affair, hookup or "fling," then you follow that path that leads to that. That includes no formal dating (i.e. no dinner dates, no movie dates, etc.), only brief casual hookups (i.e. not planned in advance, spontaneous and no formal dating), no firm boundaries (i.e. having sex right away, spending the night with no strings attached, etc.), no expectation of proper treatment (i.e you cannot expect relationship type treatment), and no real time spent getting to know each other before taking things any further.

That the path to casual dating without the expectation of a commitment in the future.

So depending on which outcome you'd like to see take place, the correct path needs to be followed to achieve it.

The path to a long lasting committed relationship is long and moves very slowly. The path to a brief affair is quick and moves very fast.

So depending on which one you want -- you simply have to follow the correct path to get there :-)

In my years of doing this, I can tell you right now. . .this man is NOT the type of man that's seeking a long term committed relationship. He's not the type of man that's taking dating seriously. He's not looking for a wife. He's looking for a quick "good time" - something that he doesn't have to invest very much of himself into to achieve success (sex).

Men that are serious about dating take women out on actual dates that they spend time planing in advance. They aim to impress the woman. They do not expect her to settle for what little they have to offer of their time, and instead they make the woman a priority. They do not invite the woman back to their place immediately, expecting her to put herself into a risky compromising situation with a complete stranger. They respect her, and they care about whether or not she's comfortable in the environment.

This man is doing NONE of those things for you :-( Run - now.; June 7, 2018 at 3:11 PM
Gem50 said...: Howdy Ladies, I'm back on a dating site and thought I'd share a recent experience.

After practicing all of the advice we've received here, I eventually get to the phone calls step from "Dave." We have a few calls and he suggests we meet.

The last sentence in Dave's online profile says he would like to meet for a coffee or drink before deciding upon dinner.

So, when Dave asks to meet, I mention this comment. He explains that by meeting for a coffee or a drink alleviates any pressure, etc. I agree and tell him I think it's a great idea, so if we meet, it's what I'd like to do -- meet for one coffee or one drink, then leave for us both to decide if we want to see each other again.

SCREEECH! BACK UP!!! Dave says, "What? I need to take that off of my profile."

I disagree, and tell him again what a great idea it is and this time, I explain clearly, I will meet you for one coffee or drink, and then I will leave. If you decide you would like to see me again, you can text me, and I'll decide if I want to see you again, and will text you back. I shared that I thought it would be a fun step in this online dating process. (And I felt very good about making the playing field even. I was giving myself the power to choose, just as he clearly meant in his last sentence of his profile.)

Dave insisted again that he was going to take it off of his profile, but I didn't care.

A week later he asks if I would like to meet him for dinner at a really nice restaurant in the area. I agree, and remind him that first we have to meet for one drink.

Dave says, "We can have a drink at the bar."
Me> How about we meet in town first for that one drink, and then if you are still interested, you can text me. And if I am still interested, I'll let you know and then we can go to dinner?
Dave> Really?
Me> Yup

So, we meet. Dave's pics were probably 10 yrs old, I don't think he was the age he said he was. Of course, when you first meet someone and the first thing you see are untruths, it's hard to be interested in them at all, but I tried to be nice and tried to engage.

When my beer was done, Dave asked me if I would like another. I kindly said, "No thank you," and reminded him of the one drink plan.

Dave> This kinda feels like that speed dating thing.
Me> Maybe, but it was your idea.
Dave> I don't think one drink is enough time to know if you are compatible with someone.
Me> You're probably right, but you wrote that for a reason, and without any emotional influence when being with someone in person. I still think it's a great idea.
Dave> I don't.

So, Dave nursed his beer, and we continued to talk.

When Dave was done with his beer, I said to him> Now, this is where I am going to leave.
Dave> You're really going to do this? (a bit agitated now)
Me> Yup (with a smile)

As I got up to leave, Dave said> Well, hold on while I pay for this.
Me, taking out and showing him my cellphone> Nope. I'm going to leave, and you think about whether you want to see me again. I have my cell, and I'll text you back. (And then I walked out).

Dave was not happy at all, and he didn't text me.

It felt good ladies.... It felt good to even out that playing field.

And I still like the one drink rule... :); June 8, 2018 at 5:32 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Gem50,
Thank you for sharing your online dating story here. I'm sure the woman reading will find it helpful, insightful - and entertaining LOL.

It always amazes me that a lot of men think nothing of treating a women a certain way, but are not open to that same exact treatment themselves at all.

When you give them a taste of their own medicine they realize it tastes like crap ;-); June 8, 2018 at 9:03 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello mirror I've had something happen to me a lot recently and wanted to know what it means.

I usually don't check out a guy's profile until a couple of messages in, when they're interesting enough.

A couple of times I've seen a blurb about what kind of woman they're looking for and it would say they are looking for a calmer type of person, and want an easy-going, non-chaotic relationship.

I have a calm side, but certainly not a calm person. I'm very expressive, upbeat, easily excited, and dramatic.

So I would reply these men saying that I don't think we'd be a good match because I'm not a calm person and tend to attract more intense relationships (which I like).

They would then start backtracking saying they should take it out of their profile, they comment "What woman isn't expressive and easily excited?", or that they would agree that they are like me but they're trying to be less chaotic etc.

I start feeling like they're lying.

Do you think these guys are lying just to try to get a date with me, or do they mean something different by a "calm, non-chaotic relationship"?

I don't really understand why they would go against what they wrote in their profile.; December 5, 2018 at 5:55 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Wed, Dec 5, 5:55 PM,
"I start feeling like they're lying."

That's because -- they probably are LOL ;-)

These men want to date and mate. It's really that simple. And once they have a woman's attention but she informs them it's probably not a good match based on something they've stated in their profile then it becomes, "Oh now wait a minute. I really didn't mean. Well, I mean I DID mean that. . .but not how you think. I don't want drama. But I can take a little drama (if it means I'll receive sex). I can be a bit dramatic myself (but I don't take accountability for my own actions. I spend my time judging the woman's actions instead). But hey, what da' ya' say - wanna' date anyay?"

LOL ;-)

"Do you think these guys are lying just to try to get a date with me, or do they mean something different by a "calm, non-chaotic relationship"?"

Not sure what other meaning their could be for "calm, non-chaotic relationship." I mean, it is what it is.

What I find funny is that the men who claim they want no drama. . .are usually riddled with it themselves. So keep that in mind here. Consider the source.

And what I mean by that is this -- when a man claims all his exes or women he's dated have been dramatic or even say "psycho" as many men like to label women. . .you need to ask yourself, "What's he doing to cause this behavior in the women he's dating?"

Because generally speaking, while every single human being on earth has the potential to be anxious and excitable -- we don't all live in that suspended state 24/7. And it doesn't creep into our relationships daily.

Instead, there's a "trigger" that takes place that brings that about. There's an event that happens that creates anxiousness and excitement.

Women don't run around acting like nut balls all day LOL. But they DO become anxious and excitable when:

They feel they're being lied to.
They've caught someone lying to them.
They feel they're not a priority.
They feel they're being bullied or manipulated.
They feel their needs are not being met.
They feel their voice is not being heard.

As any human being experiencing those things would feel.

Cont. . .; December 7, 2018 at 5:28 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: So if this man's big thing is "no drama" then it begs the question. . .what's he doing, or not doing, to create all this drama with the women he's dating?

Generally speaking, a large majority of the men I've encountered in my life that make "drama" a big issue -- I've found it's a big issue in their life because they can't seem to control their own behavior that's the cause of it.

I usually find out that they're cheaters, liars, "player" type manipulators, selfish men, or men that aren't making the woman a priority in their life for whatever reason (i.e. mama's boy, workaholic that shouldn't even be dating because he's got no free time, drug addicted, excessive drinker, still prefers to run around with the boys, etc.).

And the drama they speak of starts when they get caught up in the web of lies they've weaved and the woman starts calling them on it. Or when they're behaving selfishly, the woman is attempting to communicate her feelings about playing second fiddle in their lives, and the man simply becomes defensive and hostile instead of showing compassion and understanding and becoming accountable for the role his own behavior has played in the matter.

Or when the woman has caught the man talking and texting with another woman, confronts the man about it, and he begins telling her she's over-reacting, acting crazy, reading into things too much, etc. Or when the woman starts demanding to be more of a priority in the mans life and instead of him maturing as necessary to enable himself to be one half of a healthy relationship, he doubles down on his theory of why he "needs his space."

Those are the sorts of situations that create the perfect atmosphere for drama to thrive in.

So if someone seems to have a lot of drama in their own life when dating -- then you can usually safely assume that it's because one of those situations, or a similar situation, has taken place.

Because let's face it. Without any of those situations taking place -- THERE IS NO DRAMA.

Cont. . .; December 7, 2018 at 5:29 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: As a result, I often tell women. . .be very leery of the man claiming drama. Because it takes TWO to tango. If there's endless drama in someone's life, you can bet they're playing a part in it.

"I don't really understand why they would go against what they wrote in their profile."

It's very simple. They backtrack to get laid LOL ;-)

Don't overthink it. It is what it is. A man's goal when dating is to have sex. A woman's goal when dating is to fiind a relationship. Ever heard the old saying, "Men seek sex and find love. Women seek love and find sex."

That didn't come from nowhere. There's truth in that.

Hence the saying, "FALL in love." Like as if love is some big dark hole that suddenly appears out of nowhere and you accidentally fall in LOL. "Oops. I was seeking sex but didn't see this big dark hole and fell right in!"

So it's safe to assume he's backtracking because he's seeking sex. If he were seeking an honest relationship and truly did want it to be calm in nature. . .he wouldn't waste his time trying to convince a woman that tells him she's got a tendency to be excitable -- that that's not what he truly wants. Because a man that's genuinely seeking a real relationship that's calm and stable in nature isn't going to want to risk becoming involved with a woman that openly identifies herself as the opposite to that. What would be the point in that? Because the relationship wouldn't work out anyway.

If you're still speaking to him, you might wanna' say to him point blank, "I'm really interested in hearing more about your past relationships. Why do you think they've been chaotic?"

And see if he blames only the women and takes no accountability for his role in any of that chaos.

If he blames only the women, then you should probably move on and not speak to him anymore. However, if he's truly vulnerable, honest and genuine, and takes responsibility for his part in that chaos, expresses a desire to move on from that stage in his life, and overall sounds as if he's matured -- then you can explore a bit further with him (to find out if that's really true).

Men playing the blame game aren't ready for prime time (a real relationship). Men that are confident enough in themselves to admit their mistakes and become vulnerable with a woman are worth a bit of further exploration because they're displaying maturity, self-examination and emotional growth ;-); December 7, 2018 at 5:29 PM