"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

Dating Magic: Persuasion, Evoking Positive Feelings

When dating, folks are always seeking that magic pill, that one thing that just wins the object of your affection over in an instant. And while there really is no magic pill, there is the magic of persuasion. Wait, let me correct that. The art of persuasion – and it works like magic.

When it comes to persuasion, this is not simply a method that yields positive results in dating; it also yields positive results in life, in business, in your career, in your friendships and in your family relations. This was a topic that was generated by a valuable member of the community here by the name of Peter. Peter has written here on the topic of masculinity in a piece titled, “Modern Man and Failure to Earn His Power” and he first generated discussion on these behavioral laws in the comments on a post here titled, “Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do.”

I’d like to expand upon that by delving into the 9 Laws of Persuasion. These laws govern the decision making process that exists within mankind and they grant one the ability to successfully influence the decisions of others.

You see, when dating, the number one thing – the number one thing – that keeps a person coming back for more. . .are the feelings that you evoke inside of them.

Dating Success and The Evocation of Feelings: Are You Evoking Good or Bad Feelings?

No one wants to spend time with someone that makes them feel crappy about themselves, that’s a fact. So you men out there (the cartoon characters calling themselves “pick up” artists) that feel that apathy, indifference and ignorance towards a woman is a surefire way to make her have feelings for you, you’re wrong. Dead wrong. That’s a surefire way to make her “addicted” to you and “obsessed” with you and “angry” and “desperate” and “frustrated” with you.

That’s a way to evoke negative feelings of insecurity and self-doubt. Is that really what you want to bring onto yourself? Notice that all of the words I emphasized above in quotes are not positive in nature? Behavior that generates negative feelings in another human being rarely, if ever, yield a positive outcome. The only outcome you can expect from evoking those negative feelings in another human being is something akin to the bunny boiling scene in the movie, Fatal Attraction.

Additionally, the group of men out there that believe that placing the burden of moving a relationship forward squarely on the woman’s shoulders by asking her to pursue you, pay for dates and asking her to call you, to come and see you – inviting her to chase you basically – let me explain something to you here. You think that’s what you want; you think that’s what makes you happy. But does it?

Let me ask you this. Have you ever noticed that when you first start liking a woman, things are fine? You’re attracted to her, things are going well, and you’re feeling good about it and about her. You become secure in your success but then suddenly, you feel you’re putting more work into it than she is. As a result, you begin to turn things topsy turvy by inviting her to pursue you. You begin saying things like, “You should call me” or “Why don’t you pay for this one” or “If you want to see me, you need to drive to my place and/or my town.” And then something strange happens. You can’t explain it, you can’t put your finger on it, but it’s there and you begin to feel it.

You suddenly, and without explanation, lose interest in her and you don’t even know why. So you chalk it up to, “Oh well, she just wasn’t the one” or “She got really crazy all of a sudden and began chasing me.”

Accountability in Dating When Evoking Feelings

Well the reality here is that YOU did this. You invited her to chase you. You invited her to pursue you. You invited her to call you. You invited her to take the lead. You invited her to take your power away from you and you invited her to behave in a masculine way by relinquishing control over to her. You got lazy and you invited her to become the man (leader) in the relationship and you willingly chose to take a feminine (passive, submissive) role instead. You drenched your attraction for her with a bucket of cold water by inviting her to pursue you.

You did this; you invoked this behavior, not her.

You see, a lot of you men out there (not all, but many these days) don’t even realize what you need, what makes you happy and what makes you feel proud and manly. You don’t even realize that you actually enjoy the chase, the pursuit and the journey and wining a woman over. You effectively take Mother Nature’s naturally assigned gender roles and you single handedly turn them on their head. You kybosh your own positive feelings evoked during the dating process by inviting HER to do what makes YOU happy. As a result, the woman becomes very unhappy in her newly assigned role and she struggles to please you by increasing her attempts. And you, as a man, become very unhappy with her newly assigned role as well; a role that you, yourself assigned her. You begin to distance yourself from her increased advances to please you, yet you fail to realize this is the very thing you have requested her to do.

I see it all the time and there are literally hundreds of stories shared in the comments on this site that go something like this. “At first he was a great guy, he called all the time, took me out and treated me real nice. We were really having lots of fun. But then he started hinting that I should call him more and that I should start paying for some of the dates and that I should start driving to see him and start texting him more. He said he’s getting upset that he’s the one doing all of the work here and he asked me to do more. So I did. But it seemed like when I did that, it became harder and harder to get his attention. He started to ignore me more and now, he’s not even talking to me anymore.”

Sound familiar folks?

You bet it does and I know it’s resonating and striking a deep chord within every single person, male or female, reading this article right now.

So now that we’ve established the value and importance of evoking positive feelings in one another when dating, we’re going to move into the 9 Laws of Persuasion, laws that can influence another human being’s decisions about you.

Dating Tips Using The 9 Laws of Persuasion and Influence

That magic pill you’ve been searching for? You’ve found it. It’s the silver bullet in dating and in life. It’s a psychological concept that appeals to our base, primal human desires and decision making capabilities. Leaders are firmly aware of the Laws of Persuasion, the ability to influence others and/or large groups into thinking that their decisions are their own. When the reality is, your decision is usually being influenced by another and/or a group.

More importantly, your decisions are being influenced by the feelings that the individual and/or group evokes within you, which is why “gurus,” leaders, activists, governments and corporations are so easily able to influence societal outcomes and business outcomes in many matters.

Do you think Charles Manson was just such a great guy with such brilliant ideas that that was why he was able to influence others to murder for him? No. Do you think Jim Jones was just such a fascinating man that that’s why he was able to influence people to take their own lives and those of their children in the Jonestown mass murder by drinking the Kool Aid? No. These men were acutely aware of the power of persuasion and the ability to influence the decisions of others by evoking positive feelings within them, leading them to believe that this type of behavior was their own idea - and they were happy to oblige.

While some of these laws below may seem counterproductive, the end result is positive. When dating, use these tactics to influence the decisions of the object of your affection and to evoke positive feelings within them – and they’ll be eating from the palm of your hand in no time.

Persuasion Law #1: The Law of Scarcity

This is also known as the Scarcity Theory of Value. Ever notice during the Holiday season there’s a new game or gadget that’s in scarce supply? But everyone suddenly has to have it? Why is that? It’s because people have a natural propensity to long for that which they cannot have. And ladies know this, men equate longing with love. When something is scarce, unknowingly, you place a higher value on it. As a result, once it’s within your grasp, you are elated that you’re now in possession of it. When something is in supply in large quantity, you tend not to value it as much and take it for granted.

Evoke positive feelings via the Law of Scarcity by doling out your attention and affection in small doses so that once your attention and affection is received, the recipient becomes elated with the feeling of having received it.

There’s a difference between scarcity and ignorance, indifference and apathy. It’s a fine line, so walk it carefully. The point is to evoke positive feelings, not negative ones. In order to evoke positive feelings when using the Law of Scarcity – you have to eventually let the recipient have what it is that they are after. (Fellas, hint hint.)

Persuasion Law #2: The Law of Reciprocity

This is a law that refers to give and take, yin and yang, and the creation of a natural balance. If you want someone to feel obligated to you in some way, you have to give to them first. Because it’s the simple act of selflessly giving that evokes a positive feeling of obligation in another human being, the feeling that they WANT to give, not that they HAVE to.

Evoke positive feelings via the Law of Reciprocity by giving selflessly first instead of expecting to receive something for nothing and carrying an air of entitlement. Men, if you provide dinner and flowers to a woman, this will evoke positive feelings in her. She will want to return those positive feelings back to you via a selfless act of her own (Fellas, hint hint. Her attention, her affections and maybe even the possibility of sex).

Persuasion Law #3: The Law of Association

In dating, this can be referred to as “the company you keep.” It can also refer to endorsements from friends. Fellas, if you consider yourself a gentleman yet you keep the company of many players and the cartoonish characters known as pick up artists, via your association to that nefarious group, your value drops in a woman’s eyes. There’s an old saying, “One can judge a man by the company he keeps.” And make no mistake about it; women keep a very close eye on the company a man keeps.

To address the second half referring to endorsements from others, this is when it comes time to meet your dates friends and family. Strive to impress here folks, because if you don’t receive a positive endorsement from friends and family, you’re as good as dead.

Evoke positive feelings via the Law of Association by complimenting friends and family and by putting your best efforts forward to impress them.

When Meeting Your Dates Friends for the First Time:

Guys, if you’re meeting your date’s friends at a bar for the first time, buy a round of drinks for everyone and be approachable and friendly and generous.

Ladies, if it’s you meeting the guys for the first time, don’t have an attitude. Be friendly, make jokes, laugh and smile and bring an air of sunshine into the group. And as much as I don’t endorse a woman footing the bill in the early days of dating, when it comes to meeting the guys, buy them a round of shots and toast them. They’ll think you’re a very cool, fun chick.

When Meeting Your Dates Family for the First Time:

Guys, when you’re meeting the family the first time, bring her mother flowers or at the very least, make some sort of kind gesture towards her, such as a compliment of some sort. And always be sure to shake the fathers hand, like a man, and look him square in the eyes (he’s watching you and how you’re going to handle and treat his daughter.)

Ladies, when you’re meeting the family for the first time, check that attitude and leave it at the door. Be sunny, warm and approachable. Greet his mother with a smile and offer a handshake or a hug. Compliment her on her home and/or her cooking and don’t show up empty handed. Flowers or a tray of cookies or something (if you’re attending a family event) is appropriate. And when the meal has ended, don’t just sit there. Get up off your keister and help clear the table. When meeting the father for the first time, shake his hand and smile and offer a compliment of some sort. Take notice of something he’s interested in, a hobby or maybe a favorite past time of some sort such as racing, riding a motorcycle, shooting guns, etc. and identify with it somehow, “Oh, I was told you like____. I’ve always wanted to do that (shoot a gun, go to a race, ride a motorcycle, etc.)”

Persuasion Law #4: The Law of Contrast

This relates to the concept of taking differences and placing them square against one another, so that the contrast is noticed and what may have seemed like something big, is no longer perceived as such in comparison to something even bigger. Below are examples.

As a woman, you want a commitment. As a man, he generally doesn’t think commitment is necessarily what’s best for him, so he’s much slower to come around to that way of thinking. If you want exclusivity, you might point out someone’s marriage because that’s something big. (I know this seems counterproductive but bear with me here.) You see, you want a tiny commitment, you’re not asking for a big marriage. By pointing out a marriage, all of a sudden, exclusivity seems teensy in comparison. So you might say something like, “Wow, they’ve been married for 40 years. I’m not ready for that. I’d simply be happy with a boyfriend for right now.” By doing so, you’ve contrasted and compared a full blown, decade’s long marriage to the mere fact that you’d be happy with a boyfriend for the time being. All of a sudden, the man is relieved that you’re not expecting marriage right away from a dating situation and this relief has evoked a positive feeling in the man about continuing to date you.

And fellas, for you, it might work like this. Contrast and compare a “crazy” obsessed woman with your date’s cool, calm and collected persona. “My friend Tom’s wife is a bit intense. He can’t leave the house without permission and if he does, she hunts him down. I like that you give me the freedom to spend time with my friends.” By contrasting and comparing your date with a “crazy” woman, she becomes relieved that you don’t view her that way. Instead, you evoke positive feelings within her that encourage her to continue to give you the freedom to spend time with your friends.

Evoke positive feelings via the Law of Contrast by comparing something big with something small that signals your happiness with something small. Translation: Your date won’t have to move heaven and earth to make you happy.

Persuasion Law #5: The Law of Expectancy

Much like a dog strives to please its owner, humans are much the same. And this law works both ways and many times, particularly women, evoke it in its negative form. If, as a woman, you are constantly making accusations and expecting your man to cheat on you, by vocalizing this, you’re planting the seed for him to do so, whether you realize it or not. Your “expectation” manifests as his “reality.” If he’s already being accused of cheating, then he might as well just cheat. And men, if you’re constantly hinting to a woman that you think she’s over reacting and acting crazy, your “expectation” manifests as her “reality.” If it’s crazy you want, then it’s crazy you shall get.

Evoke positive feelings via the Law of Expectancy by encouraging positive behaviors and focusing on those, rather than repeatedly pointing out negative ones.

Persuasion Law #6: The Law of Consistency

When someone takes a stance on something, their natural tendency as a human is to be consistent in defending it. And sometimes this happens whether their stance is valid or not, which is the negative evocation of this law. For instance, if you’re dating a man that doesn’t really like to go out to the bars a lot, but does so with friends one night and you make a big deal out of it, all of a sudden, he begins to invoke his right to go out with friends all the time, whether he wants to or not. He begins to invoke the Law of Consistency with regards to it, in a negative form. But then a funny thing happens. His actions start to reveal that he feels otherwise as he begins to turn down offers of a boys night out. And this is the true Law of Consistency at work.

One’s actions will become consistent with their thinking eventually, whether they realize it or not. Or as Peter stated in his comments on this site, “Humans will always act whether knowingly or unknowingly in a way that is consistent with what they think, know or feel. We can attempt to hide these things but this law makes sure we are a dead giveaway to someone who knows how to read people.” Pay special, close attention to that, ladies, by always making sure a man’s words align with his actions.

Evoke positive feelings via the Law of Consistency by making sure that your words align with your actions. (Fellas hint hint, be a man of your word.) This provides a feeling of security and self-assurance to the individual that you are dating. (Translation guys: Less “crazy” from a woman and more stable.)

Persuasion Law #7: The Law of Power

This relates to your own personal power. When a human being perceives another human being as having some sort of personal power or strength, they tend to buy into that perception. Ladies, don’t talk yourself down with men, talk yourself up. If you are constantly stating that you have small boobs, even if you don’t, then the man’s perception of you is going to become one of believing that you have small boobs, even if you don’t. Because that’s how he’s going to perceive them, via your influence on his decision about them, be it negative or positive. So be very careful, ladies, when enacting the Law of Power with men.

Men are instinctively aware of this law because it relates directly to their masculinity. That’s why you hear men fibbing about their power or exaggerating it at times by saying things like, “So many women are blowing up my phone” or “My last girlfriend was crazy.” It’s because they know that if they give you the perception that they are “famed” in some way or highly sought after, you’ll buy into the illusion that this is true and you’ll fall in line with it whether it’s true or not.

Evoke positive feelings via the Law of Power by talking yourself up (not bullshitting someone, but simply focusing on your assets instead of your liabilities) and creating a perception in the individual that you’re dating that’s one of “I’ve got something very special here.”

Persuasion Law #8: The Law of Friends (Friendship)

When someone you like and consider a friend requests a favor, you’re more apt to want to fulfill their request. Use this to your advantage. If a single man sees a pretty girl struggling to carry groceries and she asks him for help, because he likes her looks, he’s more apt to jump in and help her. If a man is giving and caring towards a woman and he requests a favor from her, the woman is more apt to fulfill his request and provide the favor because she likes the way he treats her.

Evoke the Law of Friends (Friendship) by evoking positive feelings in the individual you’re dating by using the aspects of your friendship and/or likability to your advantage. Include the Law of Reciprocity in with the Law of Friends (Friendship) by creating a healthy flow of give and take and an exchange of positive energy that bounces back and forth between you.

Persuasion Law #9: The Law of Conformity

This ties into the Law of Association in that, the Law of Conformity states that an individual is more likely to agree to something that the majority of other people stand behind as well. So if your dates friends and family like you and you’ve made a good impression on them, you will evoke the Law of Conformity as well by having the group “conform” to a general consensus of “we like you, therefore we support you.”

Evoke the Law of Conformity by evoking positive feelings in those around the individual you’re dating. Majority rules and if you have the majority of your dates friends and family on your side, you have the Law of Authority working for you as well, in that, as a group, your date will be influenced by the groups consensus about you.

Dating Magic

And there you have it folks, dating magic via the art of persuasion.

Hone these skills not only in your dating life but also in your personal life and your career and you’ll soon become an unstoppable force with loads of support and the ability to positively influence the decisions of those around you.

And don’t even think about using these 9 Laws of Persuasion for manipulative, nefarious purposes as they will backfire on you, it’ll simply be a matter of time. Consider that Jim Jones of Jonestown is dead and Charles Mansion is now serving life in prison.

* * * * *

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Peter said...


Another useful insight into some dirty tricks used by everyone from advertising experts to con men. I've seen in dating too.

7 Emotional Master Keys of Manipulation

1-Guilt "How can you do/say that to me? I'm so insulted you would think that"

2-Intimidation "Can't you make a decision? Don't you know how to do this? Don't you have the confidence?"

3-Appeal to ego "I can see that you're smart/clever/intelligent. How could I ever anything past you? You're too good for me"

4-Fear "You can never have this chance again. You would lose all of this. This is you last ever chance to get a deal like this"

5-Curiosity"You only live once, don't you want to know what this can feel like? You never know unless you try"

6-Desire to be liked "I thought you were real player don't you want to prove me wrong? I would be a real disappointment if you didn't do this for us"

7-Love"If you loved me you wouldn't do this. Things could be great and I'd love you if you would do this. You need to do this if you love me"

Listen closely if you hear these then most likely someone is trying to manipulate you. If you hear anything that sounds like the statements above then stop, reevaluate the situation. Don't react emotionally or quickly. Just wait and observe to gather evidence to make sure you're not being manipulated.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Thank you, those are indeed worthy of serious mention. And ladies, I know you've all heard these phrases before, so take heed.

These are tactics that men are using every single day in the dating world. Ladies, never assume men are stupid; they're not. And it's nefarious tactics such as these that are being used and studied by those cartoon characters that refer to themselves as "pick up" artists.

The only thing you're going to "pick up" from any of those characters is an STD.

So if you start to notice and/or hear any of these types of phrases above being thrown around by your man - take two steps back.

Better yet, take 5 steps back - then turn and run ;-)

When you start to hear phrases such as those listed above, it shouldn't make you feel bad about yourself. . .it should make you very suspicious of HIM.

Alana said...


If I recall, you're in the UK. Could I ask you if you'd expect a exclusivity talk (especially when online dating) - especially if it's as casual as, "are you seeing anyone else" before intimacy? I get the sense that most people just "fall into it" without saying anything, unlike North America.


Alana said...

PS - love those manipulation examples. I've come across a lot of those lines before - always had a bad feeling whenever I heard them!

VirgoPal said...

Peter is the man! Those 7 manipulation tactics are so true! I heard it from the last con artist I dated. He used to ask " don't you want me?" and said " If you don't sleep with me I'm going to stop calling you" or "I am going to throw you out if you keep saying no." Yes, this came from the same man who actively tried to take my virginity despite telling him I needed a commitment first. Yes, I realized he was trying to use me for sex, and no I don't want to be with him now. Good riddance. I learned my lesson from this con artist. He is very smart too ( radiologist) and older (32).

In relations to the main article, there was always something telling me not to sleep with the man above because he didn't consistently make me feel good. One day it would be good,and the next day I would be ready to take 3 steps back. Without the consistency I never knew what I was getting because I was waiting for the next shoe to drop.That is a huge red flag to me.

Peter said...


In terms of being exclusive no we don't have a specific talk as you might see it.Here when you're "seeing" someone you don't tend to date around we don't really have that culture or didn't until recently but know things are changing. Ladies here options open more these days. Just to add to it though it may not be a good comparison because in my experience woman here compared to North American woman are different as I've discussed in conversations with MOA.

Alana said...


I see, thanks very much for the reply!

So glad to hear that things are going well between you and your lady! You guys are lucky to have found each other :)


Peter said...


Thank you and I wish you luck with anything you have going on. :-)

djbuck1 said...

Very interesting that all of this needs to be learned. It used to be instinctive, or cultural at any rate. Common sense as learned behavior. What a Brave New World.

Sista'Taurus said...


Beautiful article.I couldn't help but clap and I see a comment made by @djbuck1,in a rather sarcastic tone.

Well,my friend,sadly,most people nowadays lack BASIC COMMON SENSE/instinctual behaviour.What's common these days is acting like an asshole emotional manipulator-and that goes for both men and women.

So while it may not be NEWS,this article is greatly VOCAL.And I know some men who would need a reminder like this daily!

Thank you!

fcgfcgfgfhf said...

@ mirror

I have been reading all your comments last two days. I was in a long term relationship with Sagi boy for six years. I am a libra, btw. He is my first love and I love him so much. I trusted him and I gave him everything. In January 2013, he told me he was cheating on me with the other girl. I was shock and emotionally traumatised by the new. I asked the reasons, he said he didn't think I love him and he didn't like my mom and was afraid of my mom. We had planned to marry next year (even though he said he was scare of my mom) and he told me he should let me know the cheating before we got married next year. And he has been with this girl for one year. he said he chose me and he wanted me to be his wife and asked me to forgive him. He said they were just friend now and the girl would go back to her country in a few weeks. She did go back to her country. A few days later, he received an email from the girl's sister stating that that girl had committed suicide. He was really worried and replied emails so many times. Two weeks later, that girl came back here and he was living with her since then. We have been living together all the times but I had no idea what he was planning in his head. I feel used, cheated and deceived. I am hurt badly and now I can't trust anyone including myself. I stopped sending him emails, sms or text. But he sent me emails telling me how much he missed me and he called out my name whilst he' asleep. I also told me this girl lied to him. The sister who sent the email was actually her. I sent him an email and told him don't contact me anymore if he was not coming back to me. Since then he stopped sending me an email. It was two weeks ago. I still love him and miss him but i will never forgive him the rest of my life and I will never go back to him even if he comes back but I don't want him to forget me. I want him to remember me for the rest of his life and I want him to regret what he did to me. Do you have any idea how can I make him to remember me for the rest of his life? is he gonna forget me when he gets married ? or Maybe in a few years. At the moment, I want revenge . Can you please give me some advices how can i make him not to forget me and miss me the rest of his life? Sometimes I question myself has he ever really loved me in this six year? I think he just manipulated me to get what he wants. The last day we spent together he said to me " no one would want a gf like me and he is luck not to marry me". I was really hurt by all his words and couldn't believe those words were come out from the mouth of a man who I love deeply.

i want him to remember and miss me the rest of his life and make him to regret what he did to me....

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"he told me he should let me know the cheating before we got married next year."

The mere fact that he felt he could tell you this and then STILL EXPECT that you'd marry him says a lot about his character. And it doesn't say anything good about it.

"Do you have any idea how can I make him to remember me for the rest of his life?"

Yep. NEVER speak to him EVER AGAIN. Never respond to a call and/or a text or agree to see him or meet with him EVER. If you do that, it will eat away at him and his guilt will overwhelm him.

"is he gonna forget me when he gets married?"

Not if you disappear. He'll never forget you if you disappear on him.

"no one would want a gf like me and he is luck not to marry me"."

Oh yea? Well guess what? No woman in her right mind would ever want a man-child like him in her life and you're lucky that he showed his true colors to you before you made the huge mistake of marrying a man like him.

If you want him to remember you, you disappear from his life and never look back. His guilt will overwhelm him and drive him mad. (If you speak with him again, it's akin to forgiving him and it will leave him with nothing to feel guilty about because he'll be able to say, "Well she speaks to me, so it must not have hurt that bad." Don't give him that. Give him silence, absolute silence and no access to you whatsoever, EVER AGAIN.)

fcgfcgfgfhf said...

thank you so much for your advice and prompt reply.I am much appreciated.

fcgfcgfgfhf said...

Hi Mirror

Is it too late to disappear from his life now? Before I sent him the last email , I met him once. I couldn't control myself. I missed him so much. When I saw him at night I couldn't speak anything and I just cried and cried in front of him. He told him he would break up with that girl and I knew he will not. I didn't believe a word he said that night. Then he sent me an email the next day and asked me if I will be happy again if we get back together. I sent him back (it was the last one and two weeks ago) told him if you don't want me , don't send me anymore email. I regret about seeing him that night. He seemed he did not care and he did not regret for what he did to me.
Is it too late to disappear from his life now? I should have controlled my emotion. I am so confused. I feel like I love him and hate him at the same time. PLs give me your advice. Is it too late to disappear? We still have joined bank account and joined health insurance all that stuff. What should I do to make him regret and remember me for the rest of his life? If it is not too late to disappear from his life. I will do it. I will move to another city if I have to.


The Game Neil Strauss said...

Law of Conformity by evoking positive feelings in those around the individual you’re dating. Majority rules and if you have the majority of your dates friends and family on your side.

Val said...

That is so true, no one wants to hang out with someone that makes them feel crappy about themselves. It's just sometimes, some people forget what a bad idea that is.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Some people feel that by playing on negative feelings of insecurity and low self esteem - they can get further ahead. Hence the slang name, "player."

While that might weaken the individual enough to get them into bed once or twice, it will never be enough to keep them by your side.

Make someone feel good and it becomes like a drug, easy to become addicted to - wanting more and more of it ;-)

Shar said...

Hi Aphrodite!
I love all of your advice.I've just started reading your blog to help cope with something thats been heavy on my heart.Long Story:

I met a guy online and we hit it off great!..we were talking basically eveyday and apwnt alot of time together. We would veg out atbhis house,go out for fancy meals and he even brough me long when making big decisions(when we was buying a new car). We has what a relationship WITHOUT titles. He is an aquarius so emotions dont work with him.However, I am a Libra so emotions tend to escape every once in a while. Anyways, he began a new job as a casino dealer and works nearly every night. This caused our time to be scarece between as because he normally sleeps during the day or goes to the gym. With the new distance, i began to nag him about seeing me and not spending time together.Everytime i would bring it up he would be annoyed and would tell.me to "relax" and that "everything will smooth out once he gets himself together".But things never changed. Last week, i confronted him after he hadnt texted me in 2 ays and i basicalky asked if we were done with each other and he jumped back at me with sayibg that "the rason whybhe didnt want to hang ot is because i keep bring up not spending time" and that "im adding to stress"(he just dealt with alot at work)..he blew up and suggested we not talk for a while but i suggested we start over as friends..i apologized later that day and he accepted saying we are "cool". I've also been trying to get my stuff that he had been holding for me back but everytime i try to set somwthing up he gives me a simple "ok" answer...smh..i am afraid i have turned him.completely off of me.I miss him and actually want to start over...but i feel like he doesnt care.Is it even possible hat he will see me as positive and meaning no harm to him?..will i ever hear from him again?..


Anonymous said...

I had a boyfriend back in the day who was really into me, he chased me, but after about a year he started bugging me to pay for things. He said he was upset that I didn't pay for half of the groceries etc. I really had no response to that, because he was right. I didn't. So I started to pony up. It didn;t decrease his desire for me....and it was me who broke up with him a year later. But for future relationships, what does a lady say when a man asks he to start ponying up? How to say no in a calm, cool and feminine way?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

If HE has asked YOU for a commitment, then it's okay to begin switching it up a bit. If he hasn't asked you for exclusivity but he's asking you to pay his way - walk away. Because if you begin the relationship that way, it's always going to be YOU "wearing the pants" in the relationship and it also signals him as a lazy man looking for somewhat of a free ride (lousy provider). It signals him as a man that will rarely lift a finger for you (he'll expect YOU to court HIM) and in the end, he'll only disappoint you and you'll find yourself constantly questioning and nagging him to "man up" in certain ways. "Why don't you do anything nice for me? Why don't you take me to dinner?" That kind of thing.

It'll always be about him and hardly ever be about you basically.

But even after a commitment, I'd still keep it at approximately a 60-40 ratio. As a couple, find whatever ratio fits you both and one that you're both comfortable with.

The point is never to take the larger ratio role as a woman - because when you do that, YOU are exhibiting the majority of masculine, leading energy in the relationship and this will emasculate a true gentleman (force him into the feminine passive role). Insecure players and users will prefer you to "wear the pants" in a relationship and for you to "man up" because they can't. However, a real man won't be comfortable with that role reversal.

So you can begin to participate and keep things fair by finding the ratio that fits you both as a couple AFTER HE asks for a commitment from you - but just be mindful not to overpower him (exhibit to much leading, masculine energy) in the relationship.

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much for your wise insights. So, how does one say 'no' exactly when a man asks you to pay up. I mean, I could just say 'no', but he's going to want a reason. I would love an example of how one can say no in a positive way. ?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

To avoid a possible confrontation in a situation like that, I think I'd probably play dumb. . .like a fox if ya' know what I mean, LOL ;-)

I'd probably just say something along the lines of, "Oh gee, I don't carry cash and I don't have my cards with me tonight" or something along those lines.

And truth be told dear, if you guys aren't exclusive and this man is hammering on you to provide for him and "court" him like a lady, LOL, then I'd walk. I wouldn't even bother making excuses or facing a confrontation. I'd walk away without explanation and let him figure out that it was his "less than gentlemanly" behavior that simply turned me off to him as a man.

I'd pay for the damn dinner - and I wouldn't take anymore calls/texts from him after that, I'd be non-responsive immediately after paying his way.

Because that way, when he starts to wonder where you've gone and why you aren't responding, he'll automatically think back to the very last encounter he had with you, to seek answers as to what may have went wrong - and he'll figure it out that he made you pay that day ;-)

If a guy starts this crap early on, he's never going to be the man you want him to be - and it also signals that he's seeking something "casual" and not necessarily in the "relationship" zone. Because when men court and pursue women for a relationship, they don't do shit like that that could possibly mess up the woman's overall impression of him.

So if you start going "stag" or paying the man's way early on - get used to it. It'll be that way from that day forward and you'll find yourself in this "arrangement" with him that never goes beyond anything "casual" - like two buddies enjoying and evening together - as opposed to a man that's out to impress a woman when dating her.

Anonymous said...

Yup, I get that. I was thinking when its after we've been dating for a 6 months to a year, like the guy in the first example I gave. We were exclusive, but he wanted me to pony up more after some time had gone by. It does warrant a conversation for sure, and if the guy wants an honest conversation about it, then playing dumb will only go so far. What does one say in a situation like this?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well, I think you're missing my point. "Conversing" or having a "talk" with men, generally is a waste of time. Men tend to only "get it" via ACTIONS while words easily pass in one ear and out the other. Which is why I don't suggest a confrontation - which is what will most likely result from a "talk."

The language of men is that of ACTION. Words are just words to them (which is why they toss them around so freely, LOL). And that's why I suggest "no contact" (an ACTION) as opposed to a talk. Because when no contact is enacted, a psychological process then takes place:


And the man reaches the ultimate conclusion and finally "hears you" - without you having to utter one word.

You can "talk" until your blue in the face - but most times, it's only ACTION that's truly heard. I'm not a big fan of "talking" things out with men because as I've said, it's generally a waste of time - unless THEY initiate it (and/or you're dealing with a mature man, not a player or a childish, immature man boy). And if they do initiate that talk, you don't need a script for that conversation - you simply lay all your cards on the table and speak your mind if he's invited you to do so.

Anonymous said...

Got it! Thanks. A man actually told me that once.....one of those emotionally mature ones...he said that men speak with their feet, not with their words. lol So of course they would understand actions better.

Anonymous said...

Dear MOA, Thank you for a great article.I recently went out on a first date with a Gemini/Venus in Cancer/Mars in Aries man. Both of us are members of the same expat community. At the end, the guy said to me: "Let me know when you'll go to a next expat event". Is this a polite way of saying "I'm not interested in you". Surely, if he liked me, he would have asked me "When can I see you next?". What do you think about this? Your advice would be very much appreciated! Kind regards, Scorpio Girl

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Scorp Girl,
It's too soon to tell dear. Try not to read too much into it at this point and just see if things happen naturally. Attempt to draw him towards you by using the influence suggestions above and sending him "green lights" and see if he steps forward ;-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you very much for your advice MOA. It's very helpful. Btw, he actually messaged me today "See you soon!!" :)

Scorpio Girl

Anonymous said...

Dear Mirror,
I went on a date recently which went well. I got the feeling that my date was quite shy. At the end of the date I thought I had made it clear enough that I would like to meet again, but I waited to hear from him...and haven't. I am not sure if I was that keen or not, but for some reason I keep wondering why we aren't talking since when things seemed fine.

Anonymous said...

Hi! Ive been reading your blog for days now and I really find it insightful. You really know what you're talking about. I also like the readers' comments.
I wanna ask for ur and the readers advice on my situation. Here goes ;
I met this man yrs ago at work. We started flirting via email and txt msgs. I knew he was also attracted to me at first but for some reason he lost interest, but my interest in him intensified and I became the pursuer. Our communication was on and off for yrs but when he left the company the 'relationship' took off. He became nicer but then would go back to being rude without any big reason. He has told me in the past that I'm just all words and no action (pertaining to sex) . He has told me many times to stop texting him coz he wont reply anymore but he would end up replying, that is if he's in the mood to reply. But I don't text everyday, it was really an on and off thing until something happened.
He knew how crazy I am about him and he made this indecent proposal. In the past he had implied that he wanted to have sex with me but u never complied. But now he's offering me some time with him but i would have to pay for it. I don't know what came into me but after a month of him bugging me about it, I complied.
So we ended up doing it for months but there were a lot of fights and insults in between and this time it's coming from both directions. I even insulted his manhood and as a result he ended up telling me that he cant do it anymore and that he'll just give me back the money once he's already capable to pay.
We're still texting and are also civil whenever we see each other accidentally. We're kinda okay this past 2 wks and there's no mention of the money anymore. Now I'm torn whether to try and win his heart or ask for my money again. I love him but is there a chance to win the heart of such a man? Should I still ask him to pay? He's a Taurean, by the way.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous August, 13 1:40AM,
Honey, are you serious? Am I understanding this correctly - you had to pay to date him? You had to pay to spend time with him? He was a trick, like a prostitute or something, that you had to pay to be around?

"I'm torn whether to try and win his heart or ask for my money again."

Didn't you just try to win his heart? And had to PAY for the opportunity to boot? No - don't try again. And YES, ask for your money, particularly if he's agreed to repay it in the past.

"I love him but is there a chance to win the heart of such a man?"

Honey, he treats you very poorly. I don't understand what he does that so great that you love him for it. You just tried to win the heart of this man, and you had to PAY for that opportunity in the first place.

So no, based on his character, his behavior, his lack of actions, his lack of being a gentlemen, his immaturity - no, I don't think this man is dateable, relationship material dear and no, I do not think he will change.

Get yourself out of there while you can. Get your money back, then block his number and move on as best you can. Otherwise, you're going to have a repeat of this entire situation all over again, and you're going to put yourself through this pain and the humiliation of having to pay a man to spend time with you all over again.

This guy basically pimped himself out to you. He's not a good man and he's certainly no Prince Charming dear :-( Run while you can. . .

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your prompt reply! Yes, I know that's kinda hard to believe but it happened. He even said that it's costly to love him. And I already had an inkling early on that he's that type of guy. He has learned how to use his looks to his advantage. His girls always shower him with expensive gifts.

I was hoping he would change if given unconditional love. I don't think ive done enough just yet. Our times together were just about sex and insults. I wanna do something more. I know I'm obsessed :(

Do u really think there's no.chance of him changing?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Sweetie, doing more for people will not make them love you or care for you. Particularly if those people are sociopathic and/or have narcissistic personality disorder. There is nothing you can do to make someone love you or want to be with you. You can't control that. They have to WANT it too, and nothing you do materially or otherwise is going to create that within them - it has to be in their heart.

Your time together was about sex and insults, yet you want more of it? Very unhealthy dear.

It seems to me that this is less about him and more about your insecurities driving you to feel compelled to prove yourself "worthy" to him. He's made you feel worthless, this has brought your insecurities to the surface, and now you are feeling compelled to prove yourself worthy.

That's a very unhealthy cycle dear and it will NOT lead you to happiness.

The fact that you willingly permit yourself to be used by him and that you pay for his time and that you desire MORE of this abusive type of treatment tells me that you don't feel very good about yourself dear :-( And that you think that doing more is somehow going to make you worthy in his eyes. When the reality is that when people receive things in abundance, they tend to take them for granted and treat them poorly. When something is scarce in supply, they tend to long for those things, desire them heavily and cherish them when received.

So doing more does not lead to success. Many times, it leads to getting taken for granted and taken advantage of. When something is in high supply, folks don't appreciate it. Which is why he doesn't appreciate women or the things they provide for his less than masculine self - because it's all in high supply, coming from every direction he turns. As a result, he doesn't appreciate one bit of it.

He's a guy that behaves in a feminine way, letting women provide for him. To me, that is such a turn off that I don't even think I could view him as a man. Because a real man - is a provider. A real man doesn't let women provide for him. A real man knows that his masculinity is directly associated with his ability to provide.

It's best to release the fantasy of "what if" and instead live in the reality of "what is."

Anonymous said...

That made me cry! But I needed that. You're right, I've gotta learn how to view myself in a different light and I should take off my rose colored glasses as well for me to see what he really is.

It's gonna be hard but I'm willing to do it now. I don't wanna waste any more time on someone that's not worth it. Thanks again for opening my eyes to the reality of my situation. I'm gonna post this on my mirror as a reminder of what I should and shouldn't be doing anymore.

Thanks a million!!

Soca lover said...

Hello, I came across your blog and feel you know what you are talking about so I can ask for advice. I met a guy online and a day later we went for a date and it went great, the following day we went for a date and it was even better than the first the next day we went on another date and it was great and we had sex but he had to leave town to go training for a job and he may never be back here. We kept in touch, he had texted me daily just to see how I'm doing, we have exchanged some sexts but how we met and being separated so quickly was/is unusual circumstances... I don't get the player vibe from him, he says he wants to see me again, how do I ensure this will not be about sex only and I will get a commitment from him eventually? Should I expect daily checkins from him while he is at training, do I disappear on him to make him miss me, what do I do? All this has happened in the space of 3 weeks.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Soca Lover,
"how do I ensure this will not be about sex only and I will get a commitment from him eventually?"

You can't ensure that you'll get a commitment. Both people have to want that, you can't make someone love you or want to be in a relationship with you. There are no guarantees like that.

As for the sex, that's going to be difficult because sex took place very early on here. When things start out like that, you really can't hit the reverse button. Studies have shown that if women wait 30 days to sleep with a man, they have a 25% chance of being together 1 year later. However, if a woman sleeps with the man before 30 days, they have a 90% chance they won't be together a year later. If women wait longer than 30 days, then the odds that they'll be together 1 year later increase even more. Basically what that says is that if you're looking for a relationship with a man, the longer you wait to have sex, the higher the chances are that you'll enter into a long term relationship. The sooner you have sex with a man, the more likely that won't happen. Given that understanding, it's very difficult to reverse that.

Do not expect daily checkins, that's relationship behavior and you're not in a relationship here. Additionally, making demands and placing lofty expectations on someone does NOT evoke positive feelings and emotions from them about you. If you expect that from him, he'll pull away. All you can do is be yourself dear. Don't be too available and let him pursue you, let him take the lead, and see if he does that. If he's genuinely interested, that's what he'll do. If he doesn't, it wasn't meant to be.

Anonymous said...

Hi. I need some advice. I've been friends with benefits with a guy for 6 months. He tells me he loves me but stands me up a lot. He stood me up last Friday and didn't even say sorry until 12 hours later. Anyways I started no contact on sat. He texted both sat n sun. I didn't reply. He called yesterday, i didnt answer.Then he started calling me from a blocked number. I figured it was him so I didn'tpick up. Last night he told my friend that he's in love with me but it's complicated. What should I do? Thanks in advance.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous November 12, 6:12AM,
You should finish the 30 day's of no contact, no response and then see how you feel :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

It's Cece. I am in love with this boy. I dont know what to do. He disappeared on me a while ago but then he gon come back. It was all good at first but now he don’t be around like that. He said he in love wit me but he a Aries and you know how they be. Im scared he dont love me like that no more. When we be wit each other, its like that Katy Perry song fireworks but then when I leave its like he forgot me. He said he dont want a commitment right now because he going thru some stuff he told me about and it was some deep stuff so I get it but I want this man so bad. But the he gon say he want to be with me and make things better. His actions aint speakin tho. I dont know what to do but I wanna make it work. Girrrrllll, help me please!


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I hate to burst your bubble dear, but he's not worth your time. He's already told you he doesn't want a relationship and when men say that, 99.9% of the time - it's the truth.

You can't make someone love you or want to be with you. And when they're telling you they don't want a commitment, you can't expect one. He's probably telling you what he thinks you want to hear regarding him wanting to be with you so that he can continue to string you along as a sexual option. When a man's words don't align with his actions - big red flag. He wants to be with you - when he wants to be with you. But then when he's not with you, he's his own man doing his own thing. And those aren't the ingredients for a happy, healthy relationship unfortunately :-(

If I were you, I'd go into no contact and no response for 30 days here to get your head clear and to free yourself of the emotional attachment and gain clarity. And I imagine once those 30 days are up, you'll be looking at this completely different:


If I were you dear, I'd free myself of him and I'd begin dating other men. Men that want what you want, a relationship. You need to date men that are like-minded and that have the same thoughts and goals as you and that are willing and able to make you a priority and to treat you right, treat you special. That's what you deserve but only you can free yourself up from this man to let a good man walk into your life :-)

KRS said...

Very insightful, but I would remember that the law of communication is the most powerful one! Communication rules the nation

Anonymous said...

Omg Mirror, like I'm crying right now. I dont wanna believe he dont love me. See my thing is i feel like he was feeling some type of way cause in the past i told him i always have a back up man and he bought that up when i seen him. I thought he forgot i said that but he didnt. Plus he be saying i dont pay him enough attention and i think he think thats cause i be wit other dudes.I do be sometimes but they aint wahat i want. I aint tryna tell him that them other dudes not importnat to me like he is because they said that aries get bored once they know they got you. I really think we still got a chance but i mean i respect what you said and if you think im crazy let me know but i want us to work things out. So what you think now?


Anonymous said...

Cece cntd...
Plus when he said he love me, i aint say nothing back cause i was scared he would run away. He be plain games.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I'm sorry you're sad dear. That was not my intention, although the reality is that these things are very painful :-(

While I completely understand what you're saying and hear that you're bearing some responsibility for this, there are things that are still unaffected by that. And those things are:

1) He disappeared on me a while ago

2) now he don’t be around like that.

3) when I leave its like he forgot me.

4) He said he dont want a commitment right now

5) His actions aint speakin tho.

Those are the facts dear. Nothing you do, say or feel can change that. It takes two to make thing work and when only one is investing on an emotional level, it simply doesn't work. And until he's ready to invest on an emotional level, regardless of his reasons for being/remaining emotionally unavailable to you, this is the way things will be. And you will be left always wondering, trying, doing and driving yourself crazy, trying to make this man feel the same way about you and about a committed relationship that you do. Which is virtually an impossible task. Because we can't make someone love us or want to be with us - until THEY want the same, ya' know?

You can want this all you want. You can take responsibility for your part in it all you want. But what you can't do here, is make him want the same thing and be ready to trust and commit in it. That needs to come from him dear, and nothing you do can change that. If he treats you poorly and with disregard, that's his choice and you can't force him to treat you better, take this seriously and trust you and want a commitment here :-(

I really do think you should detach here a bit dear, before you really get hurt. Let him miss you, miss your absence. Let him learn to value you through that absence. That may (or may not) help him to realize he has feelings for you. And the way to do that, to test a man's level of interest in you, is to step back - and see if HE then STEPS UP ;-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you Mirror. You so right. Imma fall back and see if he come to me. You so smart. Lol.


Anonymous said...

I really do think you should detach here a bit dear, before you really get hurt. Let him miss you, miss your absence. Let him learn to value you through that absence. That may (or may not) help him to realize he has feelings for you. And the way to do that, to test a man's level of interest in you, is to step back - and see if HE then STEPS UP ;-)
thats so true mirror i tested this out once with my jerkface and it worked after a couple of months he came back saying i was the best girl and he was a knucklhead i guess things didnt work out as smoothly as he thought they would would him and his baby mama but then i made the mistake of jumping on the opportunity to see him again and i could sense as soon as i was with him that he was detached and he went right back to being distant and disappearing and not making me happy.. and of course now (fast forward years later) were not together but he occassionaly tries with the hey texts and i have made the mistake of responding turns out all he wanted was you guessed it-knowing what i know now he was the biggest mistake ive made in my life and if i could turn back the hands of time i would of ended it with my dignity and pride and told him where to go the first time he dumped me and then tried to come back instead of responding and running to see him now im left broken hearted and feeling used and like nobody will ever love me or want me this is what these men do waste years of your life get what they want and move on the next one thats how it goes..they dont know who they are and what they want. i cant dispute anything that you say mirror you are absolutely right about everything you know what your talking about clearly and its hard a pill to swallow knowing that despite knowing your smart and attractive you cant even make a total loser jerk love you or understand why you would even want that.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous November 14, 3:30PM,
"you cant even make a total loser jerk love you"

Total jerk loser's dear. . .here's what you need to understand so you don't beat yourself up. . .they generally don't appreciate ANYTHING. Not just you - anything at all. They don't appreciate anything anyone does for them, they carry a hefty sense of entitlement, their egos are completely out of check - and nine times out of ten dear - they've got absolutely NOTHING to offer YOU.

And I'm not talking money. I'm talking emotional fulfillment. They're empty themselves, which is why they're latching onto others and sucking the life out of them like a vampire, and people who are empty have nothing to give. Additionally, people who are empty don't value anything given to them, because their "vessel" that would hold those things (their heart). . . .is fractured - and everything that others put into it, simply leaks out.

When your heart is full of love dear - don't pair up with someone whose heart is fractured and empty. Because everything you place into it, will only leak out. It will never be appreciated because - they don't have a vessel that's "intact" to hold onto it.

Remember that :-)

Anonymous said...

OMG Mirror you absolutely speak the truth and so eloquently! other than my attraction to him he was entirely USELESS he did nothing for me he was never there when I needed him he wouldn't even respond to me..i attributed a lot to the fact that he grew up not knowing his father he never talked to me about him until later on in life when he asked me to help him locate him and that's all he said he still never talked openly about how he felt about growing up fatherless. He also asked for help in trying to locate others who screwed him over in jobs- I have the ability to easily find people and he took full advantage later down the road he turned around and threatened to get a restraining order and notify my job and get me fired if I kept texting him!! i felt like he stabbed me in the heart- the audacity after helping him find his father after 30 years and others who screwed him over instead of kissing my feet he was threatening me! and when we were together I went with him to meet him -he went to the door and asked this man if he knew his mother and from what he told me this man denied it as he stood there with his wife (go figure) and then shut the door. Aries ill call him never did tell this man that he was his son (I was in the car waiting that's all I really seen - a brief meeting and then this man who was responsible for bringing him into this world shut the door in his face) on a side note he's of a mixed race - father was white, mother was black so I figured that added to his challenges in life and confusion..and his mother also sent him to go live with her parents in her country when he was a kid because I guess she couldn't handle the responsibility of having him and raising him alone so all he ever knew was rejection and abandonment so I always assumed that was the reason he was able to easily detach from me and reject me.

Anonymous said...

I also wasn't perfect I stooped to a very desperate level to get his attention by trying to get close to his best friend I know it was stupid and I regret it and I was never attracted to him or anything but I figured It would piss him off and get him jealous but his loser friend also took advantage of me and borrowed thousands and then disappeared.i think that did get his attention and made him jealous and pay attention but after that I feel he could never trust me and I could never live that one down..i tried really hard after that by doing all those ''favors'' as he put it for him even paying for dinners and i think he appreciated it greatly at one point he even told me he loved me and talked about having a baby i was his girlfriend!! and when i notified him about his fathers death he showed real emotion saying that really hurt..i did feel pretty bad for him my goal was to fill that empty vessel and that hole in his heart and make him believe he could trust me and for a while it worked but eventually things dissipated and now he literally wants nothing to do with me unless its for sex and hes currently living with another woman-i think hes using her because he told me when he was moving out of his house his mortgage was too high and he was gonna go live rent free -that almost broke me because i knew it meant he was really moving on and there was no more chances..this man has been nothing but a source of stress and frustration and hurt for me constantly rejecting me and making me feel used constantly being ignorant towards me and making me feel empty inside one night -25 years old i was feeling so hurt and lonely and empty inside i thought i would drown my sorrows by going out with girlfriends and drink -long story short almost got a dui(very stupid of me i know-had to pay a lawyer ALOT of money and court kept getting delayed so for 3 years of my life i was stressing big time about that because where i live its equivalent to a criminal record (felony) not misdemeanor which could of lead to me losing my job- believe me ive learned my lesson since!) so hes brought nothing but negativity into my life and ive continued to allow it over and over again...and that is the definition of insanity.

Anonymous said...

and the things ive done and said mirror to get his attention -those desperate stupid attempts like getting close to his best friend i couldn't even recognize myself anymore that wasn't me i was doing it to spite him ive even tried to lure him and seduce him sexually it never felt right but it was the only way sometimes. i don't know why we try harder the more they reject us..and did i mention how ignorant he was.. example- he used to live with a late 30something old woman and his reason for breaking up and moving out was i guess because she was wanting more of a commitment and he thought she would want a baby and he in his words told me he thought she was too old and he didn't want no kid with her because that baby would turn out retarded(go figure that he lacks education he works a construction trades job) and my sexual experiences with him have been pretty lousy i never felt the warmth and love.he would satisfy himself and didn't care one bit about me..so i guess i need to really absorb what you wrote and understand his ignorance and the way hes treated me over the years is not about me its about him but he comes around and still tries to use me to get what he wants (hes currently living with a woman) and yet turns around and says i need to get over him and move on and get married otherwise ill get too old and nobody will want me or look at me..i haven't had many sexual partners and ive tried to explain to him that sex for me is different that what it is for him -i get attached with my emotions. i really believe he is heartless and has no emotions mirror. how did i get myself into this mess.its hard to let go and detach. he made me feel beautiful at 19 when i first met him and i was chubby and didn't look as good as i do now so didn't get much attention i think that has something to do with it and i guess im very attracted to men with a lot of masculine energy no feminine energy for me! but these macho men have with a little too much confidence and theyre assholes!!,,he even has a fat belly and is uneducated and balding now (32) but he used to look good when i first met him he still manages to get women-regardless this goes beyond looks i should of rejected him when i had the opportunities many of those came around like when he would reappear after a couple months at one point it was a couple of years -he cant make any relationship last even with his own baby mama and he told me she was his first true love and hes tried many times with her. i just wanna hurt this aries mirror i know u say living well is the best revenge but im not living well my life is a mess and i hate it. so that doesn't work.i hate him and right now i hate myself. i know things wont last with him and this new one hes with he has no respect or loyalty for any woman including his mother they are not close and barely even talk -but this new girlfriend he did go on a trip with her he sent me pictures to hurt me because we never got to go anywhere together except a little road trip.i hope things don't work out i hope karma gets him.. hes made me suffer for too long he was a broken fatherless boy and now hes a broken man (i use the word man loosely) and he can never be fixed i thought i could fix him but clearly i couldn't when i really wanna hurt him i resort to telling him that i love his best friend and miss him(not true at all) very messed up i know!!!!its twisted i know but i just wanna hurt him at this point
on a side note-ive never shared all of this information with anyone before im embarrassed and ashamed about many of my actions therefore im posting as anonymous-i know i have a lot of work to do on myself just feeling quite lost in my life right now

Anonymous said...

Hey Mirror,
So women should never call men during the "courtship" phase?
I feel like men get upset by this sometimes and think we women are "playing games".
I never call men, and they usually always initiate...but then all of a sudden I sense them
getting frustrated and acting all "bitchy". Eventually I have has them accuse me of never calling!
What is this about? Are they just trying to manipulate you, or are they actually upset bc they think I
am not that interested? Confused.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@November 15, 9:26PM,
"ill get too old and nobody will want me or look at me"

"he thought she would want a baby and he in his words told me he thought she was too old"

Hmm. . .I sense "projection" there. He keeps reiterating "age" and projecting onto others that they're "old" or "too old" to do this and that. When I think in reality, he's talking about himself there believe it or not. I suspect he feels old, too old to be living and sucking off of women and needing them to support him as he does, and he sense this. But rather than cop to it, he projects it onto others.

"i know u say living well is the best revenge but im not living well my life is a mess and i hate it. so that doesn't work."

Well if it's broke dear, you have to work towards repairing it. You can't expect anyone else to "fix" your life. YOU are the only one that will ever be in control of your happiness dear :-) If you do the hard work - eventually, it does "work."

"when i really wanna hurt him i resort to telling him that i love his best friend and miss him"

Don't do that dear. Don't project negativity out there onto others and into the universe because karma requires the universe to balance that out - by sending YOU more of the energy you're emitting - negativity. Hence the old saying, "Karma comes back, three-fold." (Three times stronger.)

And that could be part of the reason you feel your life is "broken" and trying to fix it doesn't "work." Are you really trying to fix it? Or are you getting caught up in negative behaviors that are self-defeating and only cause your life to remain "broken?" Because the reality is that behaving like that - is NOT going to lead to your life being "repaired" and you feeling healthy and happy, ya' know?

"ive never shared all of this information with anyone before im embarrassed and ashamed about many of my actions therefore im posting as anonymous-i know i have a lot of work to do on myself just feeling quite lost in my life right now"

It's okay dear. I give the cloak of anonymity here for a reason :-) And we've all made mistakes, so that's normal. But you really do need to do the "work" here dear. Meaning, change is hard. Breaking old patterns is hard. Fixing that, requires work. Work that's hard, uncomfortable and generally unpleasant. BUT - worth every ounce in the end :-)

Anonymous said...

your right mirror ill do what it takes to fix myself and mend this heart of mine and i thank you so much for your responses it truly means a lot <3. i believe karma comes back threefold as well but hes just hurt me so much so sometimes i feel justified in doing that.he used to cheat on me when we were together and lie all the time. i set him up on facebook and he fell right into the trap and was about to meet up with some girl in the middle of the night that he didnt even know! he also has told me numerous times that he likes living alone and now hes living with some female -it just really hurts so much and i feel like im drowing in this negativity and its causing me to lose energy and vitality for life. its too much to handle sometimes im used to getting what i want by making things happen and this just hasnt happened and now im starting to believe it never will im not used to doing nothing :( i just dont want him to get off that easy -its like they take a piece of you (you've talked about this before) and then they just keep it moving and dont even look back! i dont wish him happiness in his life i curse him everyday.i truly hope karma will get him and every other asshole in this world who's hurt a good woman.
thanks mirror xo

Anonymous said...

I met this guy 3 months ago and we had been dating ever since. I was honest from the jump and told him I had other male friends and he told me he too had lady friends and we decided to have fun and not get serious we both wanted a casual relationship. well 3 weeks in we had sex and enjoyed it and continued to see each other. I will admit that although we werent in a relationship we acted as if we were by seeing each other a lot and talking or texting daily. However, I was aware of a woman that he saw reguarly on the weekends because I wasn't available (job and 4 year old) I also didn't like the way he would sometime speak to me making statements like, "the sooner you do what I say the better it will be" and "I'm promoting you to my week day girl" and "I'm that guy you aint met no one like me"... I would check him but he would laugh it off and say you know I have a crazy sense of humor I'm just playing. I would ignore the words and only judge his actions which displayed a man that paid my bills, opened doors, pulled out chairs, very attentative, and loving. But there was another side that at times would say rude comments and could come off like pimp or player talk. I will admit that I have a temper and when he did say rude things or ignored me I would usually curse him out and talk down to him either through text or phone. He finally told me that I needed to get my anger under control cause he was tired of always apologizing. I felt bad and told him I would and that I needed him to be patient with me. Well that lasted for about a week cause he did something that I felt was disrespectful this past weekend and I went off and cursed him out through text. He didn't respond and I figured it was over but this past monday he called me and we worked it out until yesterday when he made plans with me but stood me up to be with another woman. Once I found out that was the case I saw red and got into my car drove to his house knocked on his window he came to the window told the woman to go hide in the shower and then he opened the door and came outside. We argued on the porch when he said, "forget this come in..." I followed him and the woman was still hiding he gestured as if he was going to go get her but I could not get over the disrespect and I stopped him and had more choice words. This is when he changed and became rude and stated, " I was going to be a man about this but since you don't care it's over" I'm not sure if that was the case but he asked me to delete his number and not call him and that my behavior was almost scary and think he made a wrong decision to be with me. I really didn't care about what he was saying because the only thing I felt I did wrong was come to his house but I didn't lie to him, or stood him up, or played with his emotions so I felt like I should have been saying what he said to me. So I left. However I did send him a text message that night apologizing for disrespecting his space and I told him I would have never did him like that. I havent heard back from him and I guess I want to know if he ever really cared for me? Or was this a game of cake and eat it too? And do you think he will ever talk to me again or reach out to me? I'm not sure what I want and I know I deserve better but I also feel like he was good to me and maybe I ran him off... Please help with your advice.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 19, 4:05 AM,
"I'm promoting you to my week day girl"

What??? I don't care if it's casual or not, this shit's clearly going to this man's head. WTF?? That's downright ignorant and disrespectful. Seeing each other casually is one thing, but making the woman feel like shit about herself in the meantime is entirely different.

Me being me, my knee-jerk response to that would've been something along the lines of, "Oh yea, well that's interesting because I was just thinking the other day that I was going to demote you to my once a month fun time guy."

When a man attempts to take you down a notch like that dear - feel free to fire your guns right back and take him out at the knees.

"I would check him but he would laugh it off and say you know I have a crazy sense of humor I'm just playing."

It's not funny humor though dear when there's an underlying tone of disrespect and ignorance :-( He sounds INCREDIBLY immature.

"But there was another side that at times would say rude comments and could come off like pimp or player talk."

And that side shouldn't be ignored dear. It's actually troubling because it somewhat signals that this guy is, in a sense, capable of leading a double life.

"He finally told me that I needed to get my anger under control cause he was tired of always apologizing."

WHAT??? This guys EXTREMELY immature dear. If he's tired of apologizing. . .maybe he should stop being a DICK and pushing your buttons all the time with his little "negs" and jabs at you. He pushes your buttons and then when you explode, he blames you. That's immaturity, arrogance, and lack of being accountable for his own actions, which are entirely creating the situation.

"I felt bad and told him I would and that I needed him to be patient with me."

NO, NO, NO - DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT apologize to a dickhead of a man that's playing emotional games and pushing emotional buttons to get reactions from you - that he then turns around and blasts you for. YOU have nothing to apologize for dear and HE has a TON of growing up to do.

"I did send him a text message that night apologizing for disrespecting his space"

Listen dear. . .STOP apologizing to this chooch. He's a dick, he's a player, he's an arrogant asshole and he's an immature man-boy. STOP apologizing because when you do that, all you're doing is giving HIM validation that HE'S right and that YOU are wrong.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"do you think he will ever talk to me again or reach out to me?"

Good lord dear, I hope not. This particular story got me worked up, I'm cursing here, LOL. DO NOT WISH FOR A MAN LIKE THIS IN YOUR LIFE DEAR. Not unless you want to be miserable 100% of the time and constantly questioning yourself and apologizing for your actions and always being "wrong" in his eyes and suffering low self esteem and damaged confidence. . .get what I'm saying dear? This chump has absolutely nothing to offer you. . .except negativity, pain and grief.

DO NOT wish for that in your life dear.

"I also feel like he was good to me and maybe I ran him off"

Honey, do you hear yourself here? Have you read the comment you left about how he's treated you? I don't care if he paid for dinners or bills, etc. After he did those things, he toyed with your emotions and always tried to cut you down to size. Who the hell needs that? You can buy your own dinners dear and pay your own bills with a lot less hassle, ya' know? There was very little in your comment that signaled he treated you good and what little there was - was a complete washout with all the bad that followed.

And you didn't run him off dear. He's manipulating you into thinking that's what happened here because he isn't mature or accountable for his own actions. He doesn't realize that he makes women feel like absolute shit about themselves and that, as a result of his own actions, HE is the one that's responsible for sending women into an emotional orbit of an outburst. Honey, anyone treated like that would eventually explode, ya' know?

Bottom line dear, you want to be around a man that brings out the BEST in you. You DON'T want to be around some lame chooch who makes you feel like shit about yourself and brings out the worst in you. And that's what this guy does, even though he doesn't realize it. He makes women feel like shit about themselves and then when they react to that, he calls them crazy.

It's his own fault dear, he's just incredibly immature and unable to see it. Any woman dating a man like this would eventually have an outburst over the treatment. I don't care if it's a casual dating situation or not, the huge amounts of disrespect being rubbed right in your face here. . .changes that game dear. Two mature adults can have a casual relationship without treating or talking to each other like dirt. This guy though. . he's not mature enough to be capable of that.

RUN, RUN, RUN away from him dear - run for your life. Don't stop and NEVER EVER look back.

Anonymous said...

"RUN RUN, RUN away from him dear - run for your life. Don't stop and NEVER EVER look back."

I just read your response and I have tears running down my face not because I miss this guy but because every voice inside of me screamed "danger" and now I'm mad at myself for apologizing but I felt so bad for losing my control with him although I knew I was always reacting to what was being said and done to me. I saw the immaturity but allowed my infatuation to mask what I knew in my heart to be wrong. I felt he was trying to break me and my strength was always a problem for him and the reason why I felt I was having to "dumb it down" to coexist in his world. I saw the immaturity and would question him about his word choice and action and he would give me excuses to why he felt he was like that but would tell me you're so smart and give me good advice I need you in my life. I just can't believe I fell for this shit because every time he did for me by paying a bill or paying for everything I had the money in my account or in my purse it wasn't about that I thought I was with a "stand up" guy but it didn't take long until I started to question myself and why I was settling for this verbal abuse. I would tell my other male friends and male family members about the dumb shit he would say or do and they ALL said to run and leave him alone he's no good. However, I was being manipulated with confessions, and false tears, and gifts, and "I need you" responses. I knew that night when he played me and totally disrespected me that I had to get out of this crazy cycle but the kind of woman and person that I am I also felt that I needed to apologize for losing my cool not because I wanted him to think he was right and I was wrong but because I was disappointed in me for giving up my power and allowing this guy to dictate how I felt about myself. I can only be responsible for my actions and my apologies was for how I reacted to his bullshit. When you know better you are supposed to do better. I let him get in my head and for that I am royally pissed lol. However, THANK YOU! for your words and your advice you have empowered me to move on and too NEVER LOOK BACK and for that my tears have resulted in a SMILE!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Dec 19, 12:21 PM,
Wipe those tears dear, and focus on that smile :-)

Don't beat yourself up here, we've all been there. As you can see from the thousands of comments and stories shared on the articles on this site - YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There's nothing wrong with you, you just met a very selfish, very immature man is all.

And all is not lost over this experience dear. Whether you realize it or not, this was a very valuable learning experience for you and it's pretty much a guarantee that after this, moving forward, you will NEVER let this happen to you again - and that is worth a million bucks - it's very valuable.

Don't sell yourself short just to have a man in your life. Being single is NOT the end of the world and, as a matter of fact, can be some of the most enjoyable times in your life. You've got freedom, independence, beauty inside and out, lots of good men still out there to choose from. . .it's all good dear, you've got the world at your feet ;-)

And if you find yourself confused about a man, find that you cannot decide if he's a "good" guy or a "bad" guy or decide if he's a man you want to be with. . .all you need to focus on to reach that decision, the only question that needs answered is:

"How does he make me feel about myself?"

If he makes you feel good about YOURSELF, then he's a keeper dear.

If he makes you feel bad about YOURSELF, then get the hell away from him, LOL ;-)

Surround yourself with positive energy, positive people and positive influences. . .and you simply CANNOT go wrong dear.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror, I've been reading your site for about a year and posted before. I am so desperate this morning I don't know where to start. Posting here because I think this article might be most helpful for me at this time.
My boyfriend has become detached from me. He is very close with a long time friends with benefits who is visiting this week. I have smothered him, shown great insecurity and nagged so much I have driven him away. Yet, the blame is not entirely with me. He now denies he loves me, he isn't nearly as interested in sex as he used to be (though he still says I'm one of the best he's ever had. He rarely gives compliments so I mention this even though I'd much rather be complimented for being a caring person with a good heart.) and when we do have sex, he gets up right away to shower or rinse off whereas he used to hold me before.
His fwb is making this trip with the goal of splitting us up. I am tying to keep this brief so I won't go into all the details. He will be spending time with her as they do go way back. He will not be spending time alone with her is what he stated to me. I don't have anything personally against her. I think we are just both in a messed up situation, she is in love with him as am I.
I realize this is rambling. Reflects my very emotional state of mind. I am trying to keep my emotions under control and not be the clingy, insecure girlfriend because I think that sort of behavior has contributed to where things are now. I hate his detachment towards me and want to bring his love back (he said he loved me less than 2 months ago.) Besides just leaving him, which I will not do because it has not been easy for me to find a man I like, what can you advise to turn this back around? And do you have any advice for surviving this visit from this woman? Thank you anyone who will help. And thank you mirror for a great site.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 18, 11:35 AM,
Well dear, I don't think I can help you because herein lies the problem, "leaving him, which I will not do."

If you're not willing to take a stand for yourself and to set boundaries for how you expect to be treated, then nothing and no one can help you dear....because YOU are not willing to HELP YOURSELF.

He sense the insecurity, he senses that you won't walk away...and because of that, he takes you for granted and does whatever he wants to do...knowing full well that you feel just as you've stated here, "leaving him, which I will not do." As a result, he's got absolutely no reason to change anything on his part...because either way - you're not going to leave, and he knows this. He's got all of the power here, he's calling all the shots, he gets to do whatever he wants to do and he suffers no CONSEQUENCES for it and because of that, he's got absolutely no reason whatsoever to change anything dear. Because as far as he's concerned, that's the perfect situation for him - so why on earth would he change anything ya' know? How can he realize he has feelings for you when you aren't willing to walk away and put some space between you guys in order for him to "feel" those feelings? If you don't leave, he can't miss you. If you don't walk away, he can't regret his behavior. If you don't show him an "end" - how can he know what he's missing when he's not even able to miss it ya' know?

Men, unlike women, "feel" their emotions during times of separation and absence. It's the number one reason THEY walk away....to test themselves and see if they start to "feel" anything for the woman when she's not around. But when a woman clings to a man and won't let go - she denies him that experience to "feel" for her....because there's no space, no separation and no "end" to compel him to experience those feelings.

You state this, "leaving him, which I will not do because it has not been easy for me to find a man I like" indicating that you like him - but then you state this "My boyfriend has become detached from me...I am so desperate...I have smothered him, shown great insecurity and nagged so much...He now denies he loves me...he isn't nearly as interested in sex" - listing all of the negative emotions and things HE is bringing up inside of you.

You DON'T like him dear - he's making you miserable.

You're clinging to the way it used to be and not accepting the reality of what it has now become - which is very different from before. The man he was is no longer the man he is. And unfortunately, nothing you say or do can change that dear. We can't control the feelings of others. The only thing we can do is accept the reality and take our power back:


Issue CONSEQUENCES for bad behavior and poor treatment:


And then shut those that treat us poorly and take us for granted out of our lives:


If you cling to situations that make you unhappy dear and you're not willing to help yourself out of them, then you get more unhappiness. If you choose to spend time with a man that brings out the worst in you - then you never get the opportunity to meet a man that brings out the best in you, ya' know?

We all have trouble meeting men/women we like dear....but that shouldn't stop you from trying to do what's best for yourself in spite of that :-)

Anonymous said...

The time for walking is not now. If I go now, he will just replace me with this woman. She is a fwb and than is what she wants the benefits and to break us up. This would be the worst time to walk . . . (re Mar 18 12 58)

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous March 18, 6:04PM,
Honey, why on earth do you even WANT to be with a man that's doing this to you??? How can you even still be attracted to this man at this point?? And why aren't you angry that he's doing this to you? Those are the questions you should be asking.

Anonymous said...

Mirror, I met a guy at the club over the weekend! :-0 For the first time (since Libra guy), I felt REALLY attracted to a guy. It's not the same feeling I had for Libra guy; it's more grounded, affectionate, and even safe.

But I can't really think straight at the moment. Can you give me your opinion what you think of him?

The good:
- he approached me while we were at the 1st lounge (actually another guy approached me first, and once he left... he swooped in next, LOL)
- he seemed like a decent, laidback guy; no creepiness or sleaziness (unlike most clubbing guys who approach me)
- when I noticed him at the 3rd club (we were on the same pub crawl), I didn't see him try to dance with anyone; he later found me
- he paid for my coat check (I didn't want to check my coat until the last club, but he wanted to dance with me so he offered)
- he asked for my #, and called me on the spot
- asked me if I wanted another drink
- following day, asked if my friend and I got home safe

The bad:
- he told me he was 29, but after googling him I found out he lied (he recently turned 30); he thought I was 25..so perhaps he didn't want to come across as "old"?
- he has a fling.com account (although it's from a couple years ago, not sure if he's active)
- he is friends with the promoter, so he prob goes clubbing very often
- while dancing, he wanted to see me again, and asked me on a clubbing date; I declined, said it'd be weird as a date. He kept throwing out date ideas. He thinks I'm picky.
- yesterday, he asked if he could see me again, but I was hesitant so I didn't respond. The next day he texted: "Good morning. Contact anytime when you figure it out. Take care, ."

I feel extremely turned off by his "take care" message; the double text was unnecessary, and it makes me feel pressured (opposite of how I felt in person).

But I also feel I was kind of rude to not reply within hours... but that's how I am when I don't have an answer. I sit on a text, and wait until I have the urge to reply.

Btw, I found out he's an Aries (March 25), Venus in Pisces, Mars in Scorpio.

Your thoughts? Thanks Mirror!

- Vivian

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I think it's too early to tell dear. You have to spend time with someone to truly begin to understand them and get to know them. I see the things you've listed as bad minor in comparison to his respectful behavior. If he just turned 30, he may not be used to the idea yet. The fling account is a bit concerning because that doesn't sound like a dating site, it sounds like a hookup site. But he could've been a young 22 year old when he did that, you just don't know. Going clubbing a lot might just be a way to meet women, which is relatively harmless enough if he's not shooting for hookups.

When he asked you out for a clubbing date, rather than responding it'd be weird as a date, I would've said, "I'm not up for clubbing on a first date, however, I'm free to meet for dinner on...if you'd like." I would've suggested something that was an appropriate first date. And the follow up text was exactly that, a follow up. He said take care probably because he may feel like he's tried, you refused, and he's being respectful and he's going to leave you alone now...but left the door open for you should you change your mind.

He's an Aries....well, THAT could be a problem, LOL! ;-)

He's been respectful enough to go on a date. If that date goes well and he's respectful and he doesn't try to get you home with him, then you can accept another. If he tries to get you to go home with him on the first date, then you simply move on and away from him. But you won't find anything more out about him until you spend a bit of time with him and then decide from there :-)

Anonymous said...

"He's an Aries....well, THAT could be a problem, LOL! ;-)"

LOL, I know, that worries me! All my Aries's experiences have been terrible.

I replied thanking him for being non-pressuring..and that I didn't have time to think of when but yes I could see him again.

He replied with, "Non-pressuring? I'm not in a hurry haha. Glad to hear...I was serious when I said I liked you." Still think he is an impatient guy, but that could be an Aries thing.

So, he's been text flooding me since the morning. After no response from me (I didn't check until 5pm today), he suggested I could add him to Facebook if I'd like, lol.

I replied, I don't use Facebook much and offered my email so we could gtalk if he has that (I prefer instant messaging over texting, since I'm online all day working).

Mirror, now that I told him I wasn't sure when I could see him & my preference for patient guys... I've actually been slowwwwly warming up to him... but do I WAIT for him to bring up meeting again? Or would he be waiting for a hint from me? Considering he's an Aries... probably wait for him to lead, right?

Thanks again!

- Vivian

Anonymous said...


Hi Mirror, he just asked me.. ."so I guess your dating life is nonexistent now?"

What the F (sorry, but that's what's going on in my head).

Who the heck asks that??

To presume it's non-existent makes me sound like I have no options.

I ended up replying that things ended with someone down in (libra guy's city), so I guess for now yeah (that it is nonexistent).

Believe me, mirror, I want to give him a chance...but he just keeps saying things that piss me off. (I realize I may have anger issues, lol.)

Maybe he's fishing around to see how available I am for dating... still, he could have phrased it better.

Thanks for reading. I will go off and do some breathing exercises.

- Vivian

Anonymous said...

Mirror, I'm so sorry for expressing all my anger here. I'm just really upset.

So, the clubbing guy..well, he asked me out for a walk in an area that's pretty far from me, so I suggested one closer (downtown).

After that, he never brought it up again and just started asking me where I lived, and even about the last guy (he asked if the last guy was long distance, since I mentioned libra guy's state).

After I replied that yes it was long distance... NO RESPONSE from him. It's been more than a day (he has never taken more than 3 hours).

He knows I'm up for meeting again, but has chosen to disappear. What the heck.

I know I should be happy I weeded out an uninterested man who doesn't evoke positive feelings, but it still hurts me - on a deep emotional level - when a guy just disappears.

I've meditated, worked out, talked to gf's, went shopping, watched a movie, messaged back many men online (one guy even - with my permission - showed my profile to his buddy, who seems really interested in me).

So I feel better until I have to look at my phone (which I use for a lot of things so I can't avoid it), and then I'm reminded again...this stupid Aries guy faded on me. Then I feel my blood boil.

And I'm even madder that I STILL think about us dancing together.

Do you know of a way I can recover from this sooner? I know I'll just forget about this eventually, but in the meantime, it's ruining my mood every single day. I can't stop thinking about it, and it's hurting me.

- Vivian

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

There is no magic fix dear. Just keep reminding yourself that this was a man that you weren't very interested in to begin with, so if he's disappeared, what's it matter, ya' know? Your value as a woman does not come from some random stranger on the Internet...it comes from within you dear :-)

Anonymous said...

Hi mirror,

Turns out, he did reappear... but he offered a lame invitation to go to a clubbing event again for $20 (his friend is a promote). I ignored it.

The following day, he ended up calling me. We didn't talk for long since I was rushing to dinner. He said he would call the following evening...but he did not.

And again, I mentally moved on.

However, the morning after, he sent a text saying he was going to call the previous night but wasn't feeling well and would try again later. I did not reply to this.

He ended up calling me in the evening that day, but I didn't feel like picking up. He also left me a voicemail.

I'm really torn about this whole thing, because in person and on the phone... I *feel* comfortable with his energy. It's like swimming in a warm ocean.

When I'm just texting, he pisses me off most of the time, and my gf's think he's wishy washy about me and a time waster.

Mirror, when faced with a situation like this where your in-person feelings and what your brain thinks is in disagreement, how do you decide what to do?

I've been really confused. I asked the universe for answers, and all I got was the irrational urge to reply him.

- Vivian

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"when faced with a situation like this where your in-person feelings and what your brain thinks is in disagreement, how do you decide what to do?"

I ignore my feelings dear (logic over emotion) and I focus on his actions. Regardless of how I feel about the man, if his behavior is inconsistent, flaky, ignorant, unreliable, etc. - then I don't bother wasting my time.

Peter said...

@Ladies and MOA

For those who don't know me I post here sometimes and have been a long term male reader of the site. Anyway I get many different science journals and in the psychology journal I have was this article. It is scientific research which proves who we know were are in love. Science has been studying interpersonal relationships and found that certain in love behaviors are real due to actual chemical reactions. If you feel any of these it will help you to distinguish your own feelings and clear up any foggy confusion so you can recognize early any signs you may be falling for a player and avoid emotional disaster.

13 scientifically proven points that prove your in love,

1.This one is special
If on comparing your love interest or partner to ex's or other you feel this one is different or special you are chemically in love. This comes from the high levels of central dopamine release. This comes from attention we get from others and the attention we give them.

2.Focusing only the best. People in love focus mostly on positive aspects of their partner. They are more likely to focus on trivial objects which remind them of a loved one. This happens due to dopamine and norepnephrine release when we stimulate our brain with memories and the presence of repeated new stimuli from that object. Like grooving a memory.

3.You're a wreck. If you feel emotionally unstable bouncing between positive feelings and feelings of panic and anxiety. The your experience the mental chemical effects of addiction. Scientist have proven chemically that being in love is like a drug addiction.

4.Solving problems make you closer. Again central dopamine is responsible for this. When affection is delayed during a problem or argument the dopamine released during a make up becomes intense.

5.85% of your time is spent talking to this person in one form or another. You talk every day. You spend hours on the phone and you think often of the individual during the day. science has linked this to low serotonin levels in the same way peope with OCD have low levels of this.

6 You feel attach negative emotions to being apart or to potential separation. Long distance relationships, people who work far from home or work long hours feel this most. You feel anxious if you are separated, fearful and jealous. Uncertainty creeps in when this person is not around in one way are another

7.You always have a future in mind. If you continue to see this person in your future and you think about this. You plan ways they can still stay in your future you chemically in love.

8.You feel powerful empathy towards them. You support them on friendship level, would do anything for them. Painful experience for your partner is painful for you. You feel willing to sacrifice for them if you had to. If you feel any of these you are chemically attached.

9.Would he or she like this/that? If you ask yourself questions of this nature regarding interests, objects, habits..then psychologically you are reordering habits around the person you feel love for.

Peter said...


10.You don't want them to leave or remove courtship. If you feel sad at the potential loss or courtship, feeling, interest weather it is sexual, romantic or friendship then this a sign you have mentally made him exclusive to you.

11.It's not about sex. 64% of people interviewed in love in long marriages or relationships say that sex is not always the main priority. The can have fun and feel emotional connection without sex. If you connect like this then your emotional relationship with your loved one is beyond the shallow sexual level.

12.You feel out of control. Scientist studying our control of actions in love situations reported that we felt out of control at times. This includes taking action that "Felt right" at the time, unpredictable yo-yo type emotional actions signify that mentally your subconscious is feeling the situations is uncontrollable.

13. The spark is gone. Scientists have proven chemically that deeper relationships have a sorter in love phase and longer term couples actually fall in and out of love. If you still love this person and are expecting a spark then that i not what deep relationships have. In fact during these studies the longer the dreamy in love phase less likely to develop a deep relationship the couple will be. Deeper love is is in love according to body chemical and mental make up.

Anonymous said...


After thinking about what I wrote you (re him calling at 6 to let me know he wasn't going to be available from 6:30-9pm)... it just occurred to me... I think the Aries guy just TRICKED ME.

He got ME to show MY interest in him by calling him after a specified time.

He could have just simply called at 9pm when he WAS available. He did not need to tell me he was going to be unavailable, and to ask ME to call him later.

I've NEVER been tricked like this before. I feel so incredibly stupid because I didn't catch on till today.

I feel like crying... (so sorry to get all emotional on you mirror)

- Vivian

Anonymous said...

Hi mirror...

I don't think you're going to be surprised by this update...

After getting fed up by his manipulation and the phone tagging, I just wanted to take a break from Aries guy.

Our text convo:

(Aries): Good morning babe. Free to talk?
(Me): Hey, maybe I'll just see you around sometime (we met at the club, so we'll likely bump into each other again)...enjoy your weekend
(Aries): You're weak

...3 hours later....

(Aries): If you actually gave a damn you'd give me a proper time to call you. It's not that hard to talk to someone over the phone. Your apathy is pathetic. If you don't care don't give your number out.
(Me): Right because an apathetic person calls back, replies all texts, explains when she can't call, and suggests places to go out. I'm pathetic for wanting to even see you. I'm done. Delete my number.
(Aries): Why don't you delete your existence?

I don't think I've ever had this level of verbal abuse, ever.

Mirror you saw this coming, didn't you? LOL. I swear the next time I meet an Aries, I'm going to just run the other way. I sure know how to pick 'em. :-/

- Vivian

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Ahh, the good ole' Aries male. Such a pleasant and easy going kinda' guy, LOL ;-)

Know what the best part is? Secretly, this guy probably can't stop thinking about you now!!

Anonymous said...

"Know what the best part is? Secretly, this guy probably can't stop thinking about you now!!"

You think so, mirror? In your experience, do Aries ever circle back to apologize? I did sort of reject him when I said maybe I'll just see him around sometime, and later told him to delete my number.

I can't stop thinking about this guy, and just want him to apologize for calling me names.

Even thought about going out clubbing this weekend to see if we'd bump into each other... but maybe that is too transparent.

- Vivian

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"do Aries ever circle back to apologize?"

Circle back - yes. Apologize - umm, not so much LOL. Don't be surprised if you don't hear from him again some time in the future. But don't expect an apology from him either. Regretfully, pride is a big issue here with Aries males and sometimes it gets in their way.

Anonymous said...


"Circle back - yes. Apologize - umm, not so much LOL."

I'm not sure now about him circling back because I did tell him to delete my number (I regret saying it; it came out when I got really pissed).

Do you think he'll approach me if he sees me in person and possibly apologize?

Or do you think it's better to disappear for at least 30 days so that he has NO access to me at all, as a consequence for saying immature things to me?

I'm really itching to go dancing this weekend, but if it'll just boost his ego seeing me (perhaps he will think I have forgiven what he said)... I would rather not go.

Thanks for all your insight into Aries behavior!

- Vivian

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Do you think he'll approach me if he sees me in person and possibly apologize?"

It all really depends on his level of interest dear. If he's very interested, then yes anything is possible. But if he's not, chances are he won't feel compelled to do so.

I think it's best to leave some space here for things to calm down, otherwise, this could quickly reduce into tit-for-tat game playing on some level, doing things to provoke the other, and those situations generally don't end well, LOL.

Anonymous said...

Thanks mirror! :-) I will take your advice and put some space in between me and the Aries guy.

Meanwhile, my attention is on this French guy.

He asked if I wanted to join him on Thurs or Fri while he went out to buy kayaks in the city (he lives on the island).

I thought, "Hell no I'm not tagging along like a buddy" - and replied, "I'm busy both days, but anyways I'm here to go on dates. :-) Enjoy your time here!"

In his next message, he changed his tone completely. Wanted me to give him a chance, asked me if he could take me out on a date, and wanted to show me he was a real gentleman in person.

Ha, amusing! ;-) There is something so sexy about a guy asking for a "date" rather than "meet up for coffee and see what happens." We'll see if he continues to follow up...

Enjoy your weekend, mirror!

- Vivian

Anonymous said...

I wasn't sure if this was the right place to post this question but thought it might be somewhat relevant. My question is more of curiosity than anything else, but I was curious to know if you watch DWTS? If yes, what is your take on the whole "M&M" could-a-budding-romance thing? I've had a guy be that touchy feely with me, but I can never tell (especially when they're European or Latin, and I don't know maybe that's just normal with them, who knows?!) what they are really feeling. Is that how a guy that adores someone behaves, or was it mostly just for show & points in your opinion?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous May 24, 2:47PM,
I don't watch DWTS. However, I do know that touching is a form of expression and signals a desire to "connect" on some level with the individual being touched. But it's the intention behind that expression that determines the reason for it. If the intention is to mate, or simply just "relate" on some level...only the individual doing the touching really knows what their intention is.

pisces girl said...

Hi Mirror-Pisces Girl here:) I had to come on here to tell you about my conversation tonight with my lawyer friend. We got on the topic of what he looks for in a woman and he told me he likes a feminine woman and when I asked him why he wouldn't date a female lawyer he basically said he finds them too aggressive by nature and they don't exhibit that sort of femininity that he wants in a woman-that makes a woman so special. Her soft touch and sweet voice and gentle demeanour... those are the qualities he wants in addition to a woman who is smart, independent and has a good sense of humour. I told him that I think im feminine and he agreed and then he actually admitted to me that he thinks its better that im making him come to my city now instead of me going to his city because he's the man and that's just the way it should go. And in my mind I was just thinking YES! thank you Mirror because I was really contemplating going and i was trying so hard to find someone to go with me and he was encouraging me to do so and then he started talking about me meeting him half way but when he realized it wasn't happening he decided to come to my city because he figured that's the only way he would get to know me better and figure out if im the real deal. He keeps saying that he hopes im the real deal and my response to him has always been there is only one way to find out and that is you coming and looking in my eyes and speaking to me face to face i also didn't pressure him too much i told him i think im worth it but he is not obliged to do anything he doesn't want to do. So there you have it-straight from the horse's mouth! you really do know what you're talking about-although I never did doubt that! So now he's coming next week and even though he's driving 3.5 hrs im still gonna let him plan it all out take me out and pay and be a gentleman because that's just what he needs to be doing if he wants to win my heart over and my warm feminine affections. I also realized that the more a man invests in you the more it actually builds you up in his eyes because he's actually had to put in time effort and money to impress you. We as women just need to keep believing that we are worthy and deserving of nothing less. And he's still asking me for a wet selfie from that day I told him I just got out of the shower and he still hasn't gotten it and he wont! lol its a test I know it! he wants it but subconsciously he doesn't because that will take you from wifey material to good time girl as soon as he sees that image on his phone. Again I've learned from you that that is a sure fire way to put out the flame on a mans respect for you as a woman and those kind of pictures should never be sent no matter how bad they seem to want it. Poor guys I think they are just accustomed to test the waters because of how easy we females have made it for them and its made them lazy and have a sense of entitlement without doing a damn thing. So when a different kind of female comes along(one who has made it on here and studied the MOA ways) it captivates them and makes them think this girl isn't like other girls, she's different and she's special and unpredictable. i wanna learn more. Oh by the way he also mentioned how he noticed that unless he calls me or messages me he doesnt hear from me but my response was that im usually busy at work during the day and im also still trying to feel him out and figure out who he really is and what he's about. Since he's been for the most part consistent with his communication I decided to message him this morning first just to say good morning-kept it short and sweet. So overall, he's been inviting me to do the things I would of done before-go to his city, send provocative pics, call and text him first but I haven't done those things this time because I realized that that kills the attraction really quickly and that's not my goal here.

pisces girl said...

continued..this is someone I am interested in getting to know better andhopefully see where it goes. He told me that he is a man of God which is something that is very important to me! i definitely want a man with those kind of values. So Mirror this is just to say thank you because i see first hand now that even though they ask/invite you to do things that they as men should be doing subconsciously they don't want a woman to do that (take the initiative and do all the work) because that takes away from her femininity and also from their challenge(he also admitted to me that he likes that he needs to work a bit and im somewhat of a challenge) :-)
I do have a question for you Mirror. First is what are important questions to ask a man to really find out who he is and if you would be compatible in the future. For instance, i would like to know how he would feel about his future wife being a stay at home mom because i wouldn't want to be working outside of the home if i have kids but some men want their women to work and be equally contributing partners. Is that an appropriate question to ask or still to soon?(been talking for about a month now) if you could list some of the most important questions to ask a man to really find out who he is that would be greatly appreciated -there is so much to learn but sometimes i just get stumped and don't know what i should be asking and especially since he's planning to visit i want to have plenty to talk about and not just on the surface type conversations either. What do you do when you run out of things to talk about or don't know what to talk about??? also in person i get kind of shy and nervous and sometimes plain awkward so i want to be ready with some good questions.
Thank you so much<3

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Pisces Girl,
"what he looks for in a woman and he told me he likes a feminine woman and when I asked him why he wouldn't date a female lawyer he basically said he finds them too aggressive by nature and they don't exhibit that sort of femininity that he wants in a woman-that makes a woman so special."

That's why you should never chase a man. Chasing is a masculine act, submitting is feminine. You always want to let the man lead, and you as the woman submit to him if you like. That's the embodiment of male/female energy in synergy -yin and yang - man leads, woman submits.

And I'm not suggesting you be a pushover, I'm merely suggesting that women let men be men, and that they behave like woman, that's all.

"he actually admitted to me that he thinks its better that im making him come to my city now instead of me going to his city because he's the man and that's just the way it should go"

See...regardless of how many times they kick and stomp their feet like children and try to make things go their way...deep down inside, they know how it should be and they actually feel happier when it is that way.

"im still gonna let him plan it all out take me out and pay and be a gentleman because that's just what he needs to be doing if he wants to win my heart over"

And believe it or not, that's just what he needs to be doing to make himself feel happy and positive about the situation. When you let men be men, they're happy and they feel good about where things are going. The only exception to that are the immature, insecure men - who do not like being in the lead position but rather, prefer the feminine submissive role, letting the woman chase and do all the work. That's why when a man acts like that, it's a red flag that he's insecure and immature...because he doesn't wanna' truly man up.

"I also realized that the more a man invests in you the more it actually builds you up in his eyes because he's actually had to put in time effort and money to impress you."

It makes you different from many of the other women out there who are chasing, initiating communication daily, smothering, jumping through hoops, etc. and that intrigues men.

"We as women just need to keep believing that we are worthy and deserving of nothing less."

We set the bar. And when the majority of women set it low by asking for nothing and giving it all away for free immediately (sex), it hurts the rest of us because men are not being challenged as men to prove themselves - and it leaves men ultimately disappointed by the lack of what they consider quality women.

Always keep the bar high.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"he wants it but subconsciously he doesn't because that will take you from wifey material to good time girl as soon as he sees that image on his phone"

Regardless of how much he thinks he wants it - if you sent it, secretly he'd be disappointed that you gave in so easily on it - so don't do that.

"he also mentioned how he noticed that unless he calls me or messages me he doesnt hear from me"

That's okay cause you know what? He's thinking about you. He notices you're different, he's curious and intrigued by that, and he's trying to figure you out. Perfect LOL ;-)

"even though they ask/invite you to do things that they as men should be doing subconsciously they don't want a woman to do that...he also admitted to me that he likes that he needs to work a bit and im somewhat of a challenge"

It's their little secret and they try to guard it from women, but if you spend enough time hanging out with the boys like I do...they spill the beans, they can't help it LOL. When a woman gives in too easily, they actually get bored and discouraged real quick, there's no excitement, no challenge, no mystery and the girl becomes an open book and they can begin predicting her moves, reactions etc., which is why most of those situations start winding down around the 6 week or 2 month mark, until at the 3 month mark, they come to a screeching halt.

Those aren't relationships, those a brief affairs - flings.

"Is that an appropriate question to ask or still to soon?"

It's way too soon, and I wouldn't ask it directly when it is time. Talks like that aren't appropriate until the man signals he's in love or he's experiencing deep feelings for you. Until then, it's carefree and fun. Don't weigh it down with serious topics and remove the fun for him. And when it is time to have that talk, ask a different question to get the answer in an indirect way.

Ask him, "So did you mom work growing up? Was she a stay at home mom or did she have a career?" See what he says and then ask, "Did you like that as a child, or did you wish for it to be different?" And he'll start talking about how he feels about the topic.

Instead of hitting him dead center in the face with a direct question...you instead ask questions surrounding the issue - and you compel him to open up to you about it - by starting a general conversation around the topic. If you approach discussions with men in that manner, they feel more secure about opening up to you. But when you hit them with direct, bold questions, many have the initial reaction of hesitating at answering them a bit. You need to make them feel safe about sharing with you basically - less interrogation, more open discussion.

"What do you do when you run out of things to talk about or don't know what to talk about???"

Well, believe it or not dear, when a man can spend time with a woman and vice versa - in silence - and still have fun and enjoy it...that's a good sign. Because if you're going to spend a lifetime with someone, the reality is that neither one of you are going to want the other babbling the entire time LOL.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"he's planning to visit i want to have plenty to talk about and not just on the surface type conversations either"

I wouldn't go to deep right now dear, it's too early. The early days should be very carefree, fun and enjoyable. If you take a deep dive right away and force conversations that are a bit sensitive (men are a bit sensitive about their private lives), it tends to turn men off. They like having fun much more.

Besides, when you ask direct questions, you grant people the opportunity to lie to you. So my suggestion would be, hold off on the questions and the deep issues until much later. Those are discussions people have once they realize they're experiencing deeper feelings for one another. The best way to get to know someone is to spend time with them, observing them and their behavior and reactions, having general light hearted conversations, having fun...and letting those topics unfold organically and naturally, without being forced by direct questioning.

If you remain slightly distanced and have fun, men feel more secure about opening up to you (because you're not hitting them with questions like women normally do and like they expect). And once they feel safe that you're not poking around and interrogating them....they naturally open up those topics themselves for discussion and they begin sharing with you.

I wouldn't worry about asking questions to keep a conversation going. Instead, I'd focus on making sure the two of you have a fun, enjoyable, carefree time together...because that's what'll keep him coming back. If you do that and he keeps coming back, the rest will eventually unfold naturally :-)

Be the "different" girl. No pressure, no hints at relationship or marriage, no talk of children, no future talk yet - just fun, carefree, enjoyable occasions and time spent together for right now...to keep him coming back so he can have those conversations later on, once he falls for you ;-)

pisces girl said...

Hi Mirror! thank you for the reply. I agree with you that conversations in the getting to know each other stages should be fun, enjoyable and carefree but sometimes I do have those burning questions that I wish I could just come right out and ask, however, I think you are right and that a lot is revealed about a person over time so I will try to refrain from having any serious kind of conversation with him until later on if and when things get more serious. I do like the indirect question approach in order to get some answers and insights-brilliant! but I wish I could find out how tall he is before he comes to visit because i met him a couple years back and i don't remember and i cant tell from his pictures. And i know it sounds superficial but im really not attracted to shorter men or i should say men who im taller than when wearing stilettos.
A few other questions i thought of- in the beginning stages should a woman always be happy, positive and optimistic? most days i am but some days i am not and i kind of expressed that to him yesterday about something im currently doing in my life which is definitely positive but not something im too excited about either. And he told me to change my perspective because he wants to set his sites on a contented woman. i get that men want a positive woman but life isn't always a smooth journey and i want to also figure out how supportive he would be of me and if he would care about my feelings when life gets me down or i don't feel that optimistic. i remembered you saying they don't want to be anyone's therapist but it would be fake of me to be little miss positive everything in life is just dandy girl allll the time. I don't always smile. Im not always happy. i have drama in my life sometimes and i just need to talk about it. isn't your partner supposed to be your best friend and someone you can confide in??

pisces girl said...

Secondly, last night he said he was going out with his friend that's visiting him from out of town and he asked if he could call me later. He usually calls me later (around 11) which i don't really like. So i told him i was going out with a friend and i actually was. So i told him we could talk the next day. I sense he's the slightly jealous type and when i tell him i go places (dinners, movies, out with friends)i think he wonders with who and wonders what im really up to. i could tell he felt that way yesterday because he said "oh i see. have fun buddy" and i told him earlier that day that i hate being called buddy! so then i tried to reassure him by telling him dont worry im not a hoe and even though most females say that he will see that im different from other females......arghhh im an idiot ! i realized after that i had said too much! trying to justify my actions to a man who isn't even my boyfriend and prove to him that im a good girl when ive given him no reason to assume otherwise. I realized saying too much takes away from the mystery and i SHOULD have him wondering what im up to and with you. Isnt invoking some jealous feelings a good tactic as it brings out that competitive spirit in men? in the beginning i told him that im single but i do talk to other guys because i didn't want him to think that nobody is interested in me and that he has all my attention. And i do talk to other guys but that doesn't mean im sleeping with them and i don't want him to think that i am that type of girl. My goal was to bring out that competitive spirit in him but at the same time i don't want him to think i cant be loyal or trustworthy because i know those qualities are very important to him....he jokingly called me a player and said i was strategic after i told him i talk to other guys LOL i thought that was funny because that's exactly what men are! but i just told him that unless a man has made a commitment to me to be exclusive than im not committed to him and will basically talk to whoever i want.i want him to think i have options and he's not my end all and be all. i hope this is the right approach. i have a lot to learn Mirror. i try not to over think things but i just want to be sure that im playing my cards right this time.
i will keep you updated about his upcoming visit. im nervous but excited at the same time. i just don't wanna get too excited and have high expectations and then be disappointed. He suggested we go see a broadway musical show that's playing and i said that sounds like a great idea but then he asked me once again to do what he should be doing which is look up the show times and dates and details. Hmm wonder if he'll let me pay for my own ticket too. i will offer to buy my own ticket and if he lets me then ill never see him again. i have money and i can afford my own ticket but that would be a less than gentlemanly move and total turn off because i feel like at least in the beginning a man should try to prove to a woman that he can be a good provider. Since he will be here for a few days i will offer to pay for a lunch or dinner here or there but i feel like he's the one that should be trying to impress me and if he like he said desires for me to love him than i feel like he should be doing what's required as a man to invoke those feelings in me. He asked me one day to tell him what he needs to do to win over my love and affection.......sigh! i don't get it Mirror -he's a good, smart, spiritual man so why is he asking me what he needs to do! can these ones be trained?or will it constantly be me having to teach him how to treat me. Maybe his parents divorce and his upbringing had something to do with him not knowing what to do. i feel like he's capable of doing what's required but i don't want to constantly be coaxing him along.when did it all become this complicated.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@pisces girl,
"in the beginning stages should a woman always be happy, positive and optimistic?"

Yes - if you're not, they won't associate positive emotions with you when thinking of you.

"some days i am not and i kind of expressed that to him yesterday about something im currently doing in my life which is definitely positive but not something im too excited about either"

When you're not feeling confident, positive and optimistic - DON'T see the man or speak to him during those times. Only communicate when you're in the right frame of mind and your emotions are balanced. If you start burdening a man with negative stuff in your life, they'll pull away from that. They want to be your man, not your therapist, ya' know LOL ;-) Save that stuff for your girlfriends and close confidants - don't share it with the new man in your life (until you've become a committed couple).

"he told me to change my perspective because he wants to set his sites on a contented woman."

See what I mean? He's already warning you against creating that atmosphere around yourself for him.

"i get that men want a positive woman but life isn't always a smooth journey"

I get that, we all experience it. But until you're in a committed relationship with a man, it's not appropriate.

"i want to also figure out how supportive he would be of me and if he would care about my feelings when life gets me down or i don't feel that optimistic"

The only way to find that out is to spend time with someone and observe their actions. If you go in blazing full force, interrogating, digging, testing, etc. - men will pull away from that because in the early stages, they've only agreed to date you to get to know you better...they have not agreed to take on all your "stuff" yet, ya' know? That comes much later down the line, after you've dated a while and gotten to know each other by doing so.

Here's what you need to understand dear - you're not going to get all of your questions answered in the first few weeks or dates. The courtship phase is meant to get to know one another. That's one of it's sole purposes. And the only way it works - is to invest the time into one another, dating and getting to know one another, not by asking questions (WORDS), but by observing ACTIONS over an extended period of time. In time, all of the answers you seek will come, but they won't come in the first few weeks or the first few dates - you have to invest the time.

"i remembered you saying they don't want to be anyone's therapist but it would be fake of me to be little miss positive everything in life is just dandy girl allll the time"

And that's why you don't communicate during those times. If you immediately toss your "stuff" at someone, they feel burdened with it. It weighs them down, removes all the fun, and their experience with you turns negative. When you have bad days, solve those yourself and don't try to use a man you've just met to help you emotionally work through them. It's like asking them to work for you. It's like accepting a date, and then when the guy arrives, you hand him a shovel and say, "Get to work buddy, fix this problem for me." That's not what he signed up for. He may sign up for that later, after he gets to know you (and asks for a commitment) but in the early stages, he did not sign up to start fixing your problems or helping you wade through them emotionally, ya' know?


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I don't always smile. Im not always happy. i have drama in my life sometimes and i just need to talk about it. isn't your partner supposed to be your best friend and someone you can confide in?"

Yes...but he is NOT your partner yet. That's the point I'm attempting to make here. He has not signed on as your partner yet (asked for a commitment). He only becomes your partner when the two of you agree to enter into an exclusive, committed relationship - and you partner up. Right now, he's just some guy you talk to and date, he's not your partner.

If you need to talk about those things, you confide in your girlfriends or family members - not some guy you just met and only casually date.

If you place these heavy expectations on someone the minute they enter your life, before they've even gotten a chance to know you or decide they want to partner up with you and ask for a committed relationship...they'll pull back and disappear because they'll feel weighed down by your "stuff."

Instead, develop and lean on your OWN coping skills to work through this stuff dear. Do NOT burden others in life with your emotional baggage (for lack of a better term). That stuff isn't theirs, it's yours and you need to develop ways to successfully cope with that stuff yourself, instead of tossing in onto a man's lap and then expecting him to problem solve or play therapist and wade through those emotions with you, ya' know?

"he said "oh i see. have fun buddy" and i told him earlier that day that i hate being called buddy! so then i tried to reassure him by telling him dont worry im not a hoe and even though most females say that he will see that im different from other females......arghhh im an idiot ! i realized after that i had said too much! trying to justify my actions to a man who isn't even my boyfriend and prove to him that im a good girl when ive given him no reason to assume otherwise."

Exactly - do NOT reassure him - let HIM worry about YOU, and where you're at, who you're with and what you're doing. If you do that, you may find that he attempts to pull closer to you. And when he cocks off to you like this, "oh i see. have fun buddy" - you don't do, do, do to try to fix things. You lay his crap right back in his lap, you let him know you're onto him, and you call his bluff by responding with, "Okay, you too pal."

"Isnt invoking some jealous feelings a good tactic as it brings out that competitive spirit in men?

Well, it's not that you want to make someone jealous necessarily. It's that, if they care, they'll show it. If he shows it, you know he cares. And if he doesn't like it, then he'll realize that each time he chooses to be with his friends instead of you - this happens to him. So that means if he doesn't want to feel that way, he should choose you instead of the friends. But do not reassure him like that - it places you in the powerless position of "do, do, doing" for him (trying harder). You don't need to try harder. You two are only casually dating at this point. If he doesn't like that you have your own life, that's HIS stuff to work out, not yours. And when he attempts to dump his stuff into your lap like that, you don't take it, you give it right back to him with the "Okay, you too pal" response.

"he jokingly called me a player and said i was strategic after i told him i talk to other guys LOL"

That's because he knows EXACTLY what that means...because MEN do it ALL the time LOL ;-)


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"unless a man has made a commitment to me to be exclusive than im not committed to him and will basically talk to whoever i want.i want him to think i have options and he's not my end all and be all. i hope this is the right approach."

It is - you do NOT commit yourself to a man that isn't committing himself to you - ever.

"i will offer to buy my own ticket... i will offer to pay for a lunch or dinner here or there"

Don't do that. Don't give him the option (unless you decide you're not interested and don't want to see him again). Signal to him right away that you expect a man to be a man. If he asks you directly to pay, do so, but then as you said, don't see him again. If he's not willing to go out of his way for you now in the early stages and treat you as special - then he never will.

And if he asks you to pay directly, you could consider responding with something like, "Oh - okay. I'm not used to that. Most men I date are old fashioned gentlemen. They would be insulted at the thought of a woman paying her own way while with them." Remind him there's a difference between chumps and real men - gentlemen. And that gentlemen take that as an insult to their masculinity. And it's okay to do that if he asks directly because he's insulting you by asking - so reminding him of that is fair game. It's not about money, you are capable of paying your own way. But if a man isn't willing to make you feel special by going out of his way for you...what's the point of continuing to date him, when he's already signaling he's not willing to fulfill your romantic needs.

pisces girl said...

Thanks Mirror what you said makes TOTAL sense. You're absolutely right he has not signed up to be my therapist this is still the getting to know each other stage and I certainly don't want him to feel weighed down by my emotional baggage or negativity and think that being with me wouldn't be fun, that it would be more like work. Im sure his job is stressful enough and outside of that he just wants to relax and have a good time.From speaking to him I know he likes to keep things light and fun because he's always joking around and does these different sometimes very strange voices lol he told me that he is very sarcastic at times too and I just have to understand his sense of humour. When I asked him what he's looking for in a woman he said he wants her to be amazing-trustworthy, reasonable and thoughtful. He said he wants to make her laugh and feel relaxed around him and if he can find that then he wants to make her all his. I made a note of that and its really not asking for too much I just hope I can feel relaxed around him. My one concern is that I might feel a little intimidated by him because he does have more education than me and makes more money. I am a hard working professional as well but im worried that i might feel like i don't measure up to him and im not good enough. i read somewhere that you should never make a man feel like he is more important than you even if he does have more education or a better job because a man is just a man-nothing more, nothing less. Im still working on my confidence and self esteem daily and i just don't want my insecurities to get the best of me and ruin things.

pisces girl said...

continued..And laying his crap right back in his lap with the "ok you too pal" response that is perfect! lol i have for the most part been mirroring his behavior. Yesterday evening he sent me a message on watsapp there wasn't a hey how are you, how was your day -nothing. Just a question and i responded in the same manner with a very vague short sentence reply -no hello no how are you or how was your day and it was 2 hours later lol. I prefer a phone call over a text and if he wants to have a real conversation with me than he needs to pick up the phone and call me. A couple hours later his reply to me was this "so mysterious and alluring. This is gonna be fun. This better be fun" LOL little ol' me being considered mysterious, alluring and ever elusive as he's called me once before- that's exactly what i wish to be:-) And your absolutely right that he should be going out of his way to impress me and make me feel special i like the "im not used to that" response loll. i was discussing the whole who should pay with a girlfriend last night and i told her he was coming for a few days, he's already driving 3.5 hours and he's going to have to stay in a hotel (unless he has a friend here)because can't stay with me so i thought i should be paying for things here and there to make it fair but if i did have to reach for my wallet (a masculine act) i wouldnt be very impressed i would actually be quite turned off. However, i don't want him to think im not thoughtful by not offering since he wants a thoughtful woman and i don't want him to think im expecting it because he makes more money because i think part of the attraction is that im independent and don't need a man to take care of me. But at the end of the day i do want that so i guess i have to see if he's willing to do it in the early stages when he absolutely should be going out of his way for me and making me feel special. I deserve that and if he doesn't make me feel like i do than that will absolutely be the end of it and ill even be completely honest with him and tell him that is why. i know he just graduated last year and probably has a lot of student loan debt but his financial picture shouldn't be of my concern because if a man isnt ready to provide he really shouldnt be on the pursuit. Steve Harvey says a man's role is to profess(his love), provide(for his woman) and protect (his woman/family). Seems simple enough but so many men nowadays seem to fall short and a man like that would just be useless to me -every woman needs a man who makes her life easier not harder!

Mandy said...

Hello Dear MOA

I found your website 1.5 years ago when I was going through a confusing phase in my life and want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your calming words and your incredible insight.

Although I never left a message for you, I have read your posts over and over again and came back for new comments.

I grew up in a culture that a woman is seen as a delicate valuable creature that man has to try so hard to deserve her and I felt totally lost when first exposed to dating culture in USA.

Reading your posts were like a breeze of fresh air and made me realized that there are common values among different cultures and nationalities that came from the nature of human being and men and women roles in relationship.

All your posts that teach women their rights and values and dignity and help them to detect players are amazing. But how about when we date a gentleman? Someone who treats you like a princess and makes you feel special and court you respectfully and follows up on calls and dates.
What should we do when we are with a guy like that, let’s say after six months or one year? How far and how long we should keep our guards up? If we keep staying in a protective mode and won’t open up, doesn’t it prevent the relationship from growing and moving to the next step?

I really want to know your idea about this. You replied to the previous comment on July 10, 2014 at 8:57 AM “The early days should be very carefree, fun and enjoyable.” So how about when those early days are over? How/when should a lady bring up the serious conversations like expectations and future and marriage, if the guy doesn’t mention them, without seem like aggressive and masculine?

Also “when you ask direct questions, you grant people the opportunity to lie to you. So my suggestion would be, hold off on the questions and the deep issues until much later. Those are discussions people have once they realize they're experiencing deeper feelings for one another. The best way to get to know someone is to spend time with them.” So when is this “much later” and “deeper feeling” that you referred to? If a guy is doing everything right, but still some information about future won’t be revealed just by “spending time with him”, when and how a girl can bring them up and get clarity. Because as you know uncertainty and trying to fill out a blank on our own will cause anxiety. Can you please give more details and examples on how, down the line, to “let those topics unfold organically and naturally, without being forced by direct questioning.”

And again I understand your reply wags about early stage of relationship, but I am interested in the more developed stage of relationship.

Sorry I write too long, but will appreciate your insight. Also, wanted to suggest you to write a post related to this topic. How to keep a good relationship and help it grow and moving to the next stage. What to do and what not to do when you feel like you are in a great relationship with a great guy? What are the common mistakes women make when they are in a committed exclusive relationship and how to prevent them? In general, I would love to read more topics about dealing with normal, responsible, and good men in your site as well, I know they are hard to come by, but we need to be prepared when we finally find them ;)

Also, would love to read more comments from the readers about their success stories, which would bring hopes and positive energy to others.

Thank you so much MOA. You know you are great. But I want to tell you again that you are a great person.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"What should we do when we are with a guy like that, let’s say after six months or one year? How far and how long we should keep our guards up? If we keep staying in a protective mode and won’t open up, doesn’t it prevent the relationship from growing and moving to the next step?"

You can't look at it as, "okay, we've hit this milestone so we're done protecting ourselves." Instead, view it as something that needs constant maintenance and upkeep. Here's an easy way to look at it, so that doing that becomes understandable:

When someone treats you poorly - pull back. When someone treats you well and respectfully - take a step towards them.

It's as simple as that. For instance, if you've been dating a guy for 6 months and he's been great - you've obviously stepped forward a bit and relaxed your guard with him because he's proven to you he can be trusted and he's earned that. That's great.

But let's say 7 months into it, he starts disappearing and disrespecting you. That's when it's time to pull back again and bring your guard back up a bit. Something is "off," something is amiss...so it's time to go back into protection mode - taking baby steps again.

Good treatment - step forward. Poor treatment - pull back (regardless of how long you've been together). If you have a great guy, you won't have to pull back. But if he's flaking out on you and/or disappearing and starting to disrespect you - that's a warning and you need to pull back to protect yourself.

"How/when should a lady bring up the serious conversations like expectations and future and marriage, if the guy doesn’t mention them, without seem like aggressive and masculine?"

Well first of all, make sure that HE thinks you're in a committed relationship as well, and it's not simply you believing that just because you've dated so long. If he hasn't asked for a commitment, don't ask those questions - walk away instead and set some boundaries. When he asks why, you can explain that you've given this about a year and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. And that you want a relationship and if he doesn't - that's fine - but you're going to move on.

If he has asked you for a commitment and you're in an exclusive relationship - but he's not talking about those things and you want to, say something like, "I really respect you, I like you a lot and you've been great to me. But I'm having trouble trying to determine if this is actually going anywhere with real long term potential. I'd really like to get married someday. What are your thoughts on that?"

And then you just sit - and be silent - and you let him talk and share himself with you. If he says things you don't like, don't attack him for it. Just say, "Okay, I see. Thanks for being honest with me. In light of that, I fear we may have to end this relationship because it appears we don't want the same things."

Do you see how in each of those situations, you're not making demands, you're not interrogating and you're not pressuring him - all you're doing is asking his opinion - and then stating in either event your intention to walk away. You're not pleading, begging and crying or trying to convince him to want what you want. You're accepting his wishes as a mature female and your signaling that you'll walk away. You're setting boundaries, instead of making demands and trying harder, and by doing so, you're signaling to him that if he wants this relationship - he better start participating in it and taking it seriously....or you'll leave him if he doesn't. It's not a threat - it's just the logical thing to do.


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"So when is this “much later” and “deeper feeling” that you referred to?"

When the man tells you he loves you and he asks you for a commitment, which usually happens within the first 6 months or so. If it's been a year and he's not telling you he loves you and he hasn't asked you for a commitment - chances are he never will. So after a year getting nowhere...you don't even have to ask, you just walk (because he's already letting you know it's not going anywhere).

"still some information about future won’t be revealed just by “spending time with him”, when and how a girl can bring them up and get clarity"

If you've spent enough time with him, these things reveal themselves naturally just through general conversation (about his family, his upbringing, his opinions on things, etc.) If you've spent time with him and that's not happening, either you're not picking up on all he's saying and observing him properly - or he's not sharing with you emotionally (which is a red flag that he's not probably going to take the relationship forward) - or you're relationship is based too strongly on sex and not enough real communication and interaction.

"Can you please give more details and examples on how, down the line, to “let those topics unfold organically and naturally, without being forced by direct questioning.”

I've shared an example in a comment here recently about how to get these answers without directly asking, just through simple general conversation in an indirect way:

"ask a different question to get the answer in an indirect way....[instead of asking him directly how he feels about his wife working or staying home with the children]...Ask him, "So did you mom work growing up? Was she a stay at home mom or did she have a career?" See what he says and then ask, "Did you like that as a child, or did you wish for it to be different?" And he'll start talking about how he feels about the topic.

Instead of hitting him dead center in the face with a direct question...you instead ask questions surrounding the issue - and you compel him to open up to you about it - by starting a general conversation around the topic. If you approach discussions with men in that manner, they feel more secure about opening up to you."

"I understand your reply wags about early stage of relationship, but I am interested in the more developed stage of relationship"

By the more developed stages of the relationship (6 months to a year), you should already have the answers to a lot of questions about the man's personality by spending time with him and listening to him speak, give his opinion on things, share his experiences in life, etc. If you've spent 6 months or a year with someone and you don't really know them any better than the day you met them - something's wrong.

"Also, would love to read more comments from the readers about their success stories, which would bring hopes and positive energy to others."

There are many here dear. Some posts have hundreds of comments and some here have thousands - and intermingled in those are women reporting success with these tactics. Most of which are probably mixed into the comments on these two posts:

4500 Comments: http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/06/disappearing-reappearing-man-what-to-do.html

1500 Comments: http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

You'll have to dig around - but they're in there :-)

Mandy said...

Dear MOA

Thank you so much for your quick response. All you said makes total sense. I am going to print your reply and read it over and over until it sinks. The part you said "it needs constant maintenance" and "regardless of how long you've been together" really answered my questions. I am naturally a private person and tend to be on a reserved side, so it will take longer for me to open up, and I was always wondering why when I open up, things seems to go wrong. Now I realize, it is not a one time thing to say for example, I'll wait six months or till he says "I love you" to trust and open up and after that, I will stay loving and supportive girlfriend, no matter what. As you explained, we should be able to pull back as needed, and change our behavior, as needed at each phase, by taking "baby steps" again.
I wish I asked these questions earlier, it could have saved me months, but I am just an imperfect human who made mistake, and I am so grateful to have you to learn from.
I have already dig into comments and enjoy reading them and your responses immensely, just wanted to encourage ladies to share more happy stories by applying your tactics, instead of just coming to you at the time of crisis. I will write more comments for you from now on.

Anonymous said...

I just met a guy that I like a lot, and he told me he doesn't believe in long distance relationships (it's about 4 hours from his city to mine). Since he said he didn't believe in long distance relationships because they don't work, I have made sure that I do not contact him first or talk about relationships at all with him. He told me that he wanted me to convince him that a long distance relationship would work, but I know from hanging out with him that he is so masculine that he'd end up hating me for working so hard to convince him to be in a relationship with me. Ladies, PLEASE don't fall for these tricks when men try to surrender their masculine leadership to you because you will be blamed when the relationship fails. Ugh.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jul 16, 9:56 PM,
"Ladies, PLEASE don't fall for these tricks when men try to surrender their masculine leadership to you because you will be blamed when the relationship fails"

Very, very true - regardless of what they say, that WILL be the end result...

Anonymous said...

Hi moa,

How do you use this method in a relationship?
I noticed that my bf will ask me to do little favors for him that he could easily do for himself. It's almost as if he is testing me.

-how do I keep the interest going in a relationship with a taurus male? We talk pretty much everyday so it's noticeable when we don't. But I see you say men equate love with longing. What should I do in the case of being in a relationship?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jul 23, 3:39 AM,
"What should I do in the case of being in a relationship?"

Evoke positive feelings, as stated above. Those are the psychological factors of "influence" and they have the same effect on people in ALL relationships - friends, work and career, romantic, casual - the type of relationship doesn't matter - positively influencing someone and making them feel good works to influence people across the board.

pisces girl said...

LOL "court" him like a lady-it made me laugh reading that. Soo man lazy, entitled, cheap, immature, don't know how to be a real men types who never seize to amaze me with their audacity-looking at a woman to pay or straight up asking her! And I've heard soo many stories of women who have gone into debt because of the men they were with who were financially irresponsible and she ended up paying the price and guess what- the man still walked away because she couldn't be of use to him financially anymore. Beware of the con artists and users and protect your assets! Years ago one guy I used to see told me he would get evicted and needed $2800 so being young and naïve and believing I could trust people I lent it to him and guess what-he disappeared and I never seen that money again-MY hard earned money that I wake up early and spend all day at work to earn. Took me so long to get over that but it was definitely a lesson learned.
Smart women know that a man needs to be adding to her life and making it better/easier not harder and more stressful and a man should NEVER ask a woman to borrow money that is the only time he needs to have too much pride and literally go mop floors if he has to to earn that extra money rather than ask a woman especially one that isn't his wife. A good man will always help a woman grow and prosper and will bring out the best in her not the worst. He would also NEVER make her feel guilty for paying for a few dinners or tickets for some show especially in the beginning stages. That's very unbecoming of him as a man not to mention very ungentleman-like behavior-he should be pulling out all the stops to try to impress the lady not the other way around.If he knew better he would know the initial investment early on was worth every penny especially if the woman he was courting could potentially be his future wife and/or future moter of his children and add to his life in so many dimensions. I recently updated my status to -"sometimes the best investment is the one you don't make" and I meant in a man -financially or otherwise but any investment you make in yourself is a good one. I hope women start learning not to spend their money (especially if they are on a very limited budget) on men but rather save it and put it towards a condo, a house, a car, a new wardrobe, or an education instead! investing in ourselves because nothing else outside of yourself can guarantee a ROI. Im happy that Ive learned these things now rather than get screwed over later in life. It will save me from making a lot of bad investments.

Anonymous said...


I have a question for you. How do you talk to your guy about sex? He has been sober now for 1yr and a 1/2 and ever since he sobered up our sex life has been horrible. I'm so thankful that he is sober cuz he was seriously addicted to drugs and alcohol, but this part of our relationship now stinks. He has turned into "quick draw McGraw"...he can't last for more than 5 minutes. Is this a normal problem? I haven't had many sexual relationships (2 others) and it wasn't a problem at all.

I just can't take it anymore! I'm only 29. He is 43. I really love him but I don't know what to do. I tried to talk to him about it as sweetly as I could about 6 months ago and he got so defensive. Conversation was dropped pretty quickly cuz I could tell he didn't even know how to respond/react.

Please help. If we can fix this I'd like to, but if this is just what sex is going to be like, well then I'd rather be celibate!!!


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Aug 25, 4:59 PM,
I'm afraid you're not going to like my response dear :-(

You see, recovering addicts, particularly males - this is what happens to them. They suffer performance issues and many times, what people don't realize is that a lot of them started using drugs to mask an issue that already existed and was there all along. And for the one's who don't have an existing issue, their drug use has created one for them and they now rely on the drug for sexual performance.

Once you yank the drug away, they're either left with the problem that originally existed that they were using the drug to mask or help them do better in the bedroom...or they're facing a new problem of performance issues associated with their drug use.

Here's an article titled, "Taking Drugs or Drinking Can Affect a Man's Performance for Years:"


There's no amount of "talking" in the world that's going to change that dear. This is simply the way it is :-(

Anonymous said...

Thank you

Unknown said...

amazing mirror! i just simply love this site and tips!...i've been reading all along,im also a writer blogger and its great so great that u inspired me so much of things very useful for my daily career life, love life, folks and friends life.thank you.

Anonymous said...

Hello. Ive just come across this page. And what a godsend it is. Thankyou. I will try and make this short. Im a cap woman 41 and he is taurus 48. Met 10 months ago. Fantastic relationship. He is a single dad. Has a high powered job and a football coach at weekends..... (hope he dosnt read this) lol. So im busy too but he always took me out to dinner. Called txted but we gave each other alot if space. So he took his 12 year old on holiday in august and txted me daily while out there for 10 days. When he came back he called once txted but no meet up. I went away with my best friend for a week in sept. As i usually do. He called me once when i got back and continued to txt. Mid october and we havnt met up. Thats 2 months of not seeing him. So i told him its been 2 months! He immediately said..."oops sorry". Which annoyed me and i told him so. 2 days later he took me out for a meal. That was 2 weeks ago. Since then hes only texted "good morning" and "goodnight". So 4 days ago i was annoyed and txted back. Omg! You ought to call me. He txted "ok i will call you tonight xx". He didnt. He txted an apology. "Im sorry i havnt called you as promised but im still out with client later than expected. Can i call you tmrw?" So i didnt respond. Its been 4 days now and we haven't txted or spoken. Hes made no attempt to call me. I dont understand the sudden change after he got back from his holiday. Its like he couldnt be botheted with me anymore. Im off the radar now as you advised but mabey i should have responded to his last txt. But i didnt believe he was still out with a client. I sensed he was home and just couldn't be bothered. So from daily txt msgs. Weekly conversations and dinner or cinema or both with a ggod bit of lovemaking thrown in, to nothing. Any thoughts and advise would realy be appreciated. And after learning lots from you. I'll be teaching my daughters to. Lots of love.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 25, 8:50 PM,
"maybe i should have responded to his last text"

I understand the feeling of needing to "do, do, do" to keep a relationship going. I truly do. However, as a woman, that's danger territory. Because when you feel you need to coax a man to continue seeing you, or you need to remind him that you exist...that's actually a red flag. It's a red flag that should inspire you to think about whether or not this man is the RIGHT man for you.

Because the RIGHT man for you, wouldn't need to be reminded that you exist. The right man won't need to be coaxed into seeing you, calling you, etc. The right man won't make you feel "less" somehow or inferior. The right man will make you happy. And when you feel like you have to coax or remind a man...that's not going to ultimately make you happy. As a matter of fact, it will actually do a good bit of emotional damage :-(

The best you can do in these situations dear, is to keep moving forward with your life as best you can, not waiting around for this man. Let him see if he eventually misses you and realizes he has feelings for you. And if he does, he'll circle back around with an explanation or apology or wanting to talk. And if he doesn't, then you're already in forward motion, not having skipped a beat, moving right past him.

He can't miss you if you contact him. So if it were me, I would continue with no contact here (and no response). I would force him to PROVE himself as GENUINELY interested (by providing obstacles for him to overcome). And if he doesn't, I would do my best to accept that by not waiting to be picked, and instead, making the decision for myself that this man isn't capable of making me happy (instead of beating my head against the wall attempting to make a man love me or want to be with me, with is a fruitless effort):


pisces girl said...

Love waking up and reading this.what a great reminder to all of us women that we shouldn't need to remind d A man that we exist. I always remind myself of that. If he wants you he knows where to find you. Plus I realize men are attracted to elusiveness and mystery and as you say being unpredictable so why deny them that fun by staying on their radar and constantly contacting them. Different = Fun and challenging. This is all a big game and sport to them. Its hard to not do do do especially when you feel like time is of essence and you have no more time to waste but men know this and expect the chase and although they may love it for a bit I believe it does bore them after a while and they will be out on the hunt looking for the next prey to catch.
Thanks Mirror xoxo

pisces girl said...

Further to my last comment when you contact them it gives them an opportunity to reject you and some douchebaggers enjoy hurting women and setting them off so why give them that opportunity. Id rather play their game and do nothing and let them think and wonder about me and they understand action more than words so it just works better.
I went on a great date on Wednesday with this guy who told me we should get together on Saturday. . well Saturday has come and gone and I didn't hear from him nor did I contact him. He probably thinks beause he's successful women should chase him but not me and if he decides to contact me I just might ignore him he disappointed me a few times already. Urghhh men today. Mirror thank God for you for empowering us it can be so frustrating dealing with these clowns sometimes. I hope I don't get so turned off that I eventually have no more interest in them.

Anonymous said...

Thankyou so much. Yes you are absolutely right. If he wanted to speak to me he would. Im moving on already and its not that hard. ..at my age. Lol

Anonymous said...

Hello I need your help My taurus guy and I have been together for almost 3 years.There has been a couple times of off and on times, but for the most part its always been good. Although with the off and on times last year and this year around the same time my guy pulls away. He starts questioning the relationship saying hes not sure what he wants and basically ask for time. So I say no prob and I back way off. But he will still text and carry on same behavior as when we are a couple. Recently I had no contact with him for a week and then I contacted him to talk. He said he was happy I asked to talk, wanted to contact me but didnt know where i stood. We couldnt finish our conversation so he said lets chat again in a couple days. So i had no contact he texted alittle and i was very vague about contacting him. Pretty short took my time to reply. Then he said would you like to come over and we can finish our conversation.went to his house talked and everything was great it was like old times. I said thanks for the talk i better leave so I walked my self to the door and sure enough he gave me a hug and went in for the kiss. I turned away and said what are you doing i dont just have sex with people im not in relationship with. Well words didnt follow my actions. I got caught up and i had missed him so much slept with him. I was so mad at myself sick to my stomach. But the craziest thing was he was so normal hes like you wanna spend the night id like to have you by me again like old times. I declined went home sick to my stomach knowing i just ruined things. Then I get a text write away thank you for talking even with out the sex it was great and helped me alot. Then for the next 4 days he was texting non stop all day and I kinda got back into it because it felt like normal times. Then on friday he asked what are you doing on sunday lets do something. We can hang out have dinner maybe see a movie. I accepted Sunday rolled around. I went to his house we went out everything was fantastic. Went back to his house and he again asked me to stay the night. So I did. He was flying out for work on tuesday, he texted all day monday and tuesday he left for work. I know hes super busy but then I didnt hear much except one text on tuesday that was just hey im sorry so busy just wanted to send you a quick text. Then wed-friday was very slim didnt hear much from him except pretty much the same text with an occasional how are you in there. I still dismissed it knowing he was busy. He came home fri and texted me he was coming home and said what are you up to tonight I said I had no plans he said he got in at 8:30 he would text me when he landed. So i was excited because I figured i would see him. I didnt hear from him until 11:30 and he said just got home Im whooped im going to bed. So nicely I said oh wow that sucks bet you are exhausted. And he said text me tomorrow. night. So I waited most of the day to text him. Finally did and he replys with small talk back and forth and then he text, whats your plans tonight? So I wrote back Im not sure yet dont really feel like anything crazy but Id like to do something. And his reply was oh ok hopefully you can figure that out. I got kind put off I said oh ok. And immediatly he said OH OK? what does that mean and I said well I was kinda hinting to what you were doing seeing if youd like to do something. And he said I would have but im going with the guys sorry, should have said something sooner he said I will text you later on because im not out all night with them and ill see what your doing and we can go out. that was at 8:00pm and I never heard from him the rest of the night or the next morning until 12. I thought to myself I cant do this, i feel pathetic. I called back and after he didnt answer. I told myself dont call or text for while. Cont...

Anonymous said...

So he called me that day 4 times and texted me 6. I remained no contact the next day he called 3 times and texted 5 times. his last text was " Hey im not sure whats going on here. But I have tried calling you all day yesterday and all day today and nothing, Im just wanting to makes sure you are alright. If your ignoring me thats fine but can you atleast let me know im worried" So I waited like 4 more hours and texted him "Hey- im good" Immediatly I got a call from him. The conversation basically went as so" Why are you ignoring me, I have called and texted and nothing from you, and I said I wasnt ignoring at all I was busy. I'm sorry. And he said really you couldnt even have texted hey you were that busy. And I went on to say my family was in town and yea I was jus so preoccupied. And hes like i know your pissed about sat and i understand that but if thats why your ignoring me than just tell me you dont have to talk to me you can atleast tell me through text your ignoring me and I kinda laughed alittle thinking isnt that what ignoring is, is not replying. Well he got really pissed hearing me kind laugh and he said whats so funny are you laughing at me and I quickly said no not at all, and hes like whatever i guess your fine now I know and I said yea im good thanks for checking and hes like why are you being so weird right now. Whatever I cant even talk to you, and I said I'm not being weird and hes like yea you are ill just let you go I guess talk to you later, and so i Said bye. Last time I talked to him conversation. My question for you is, Did I blow all this. I'm so new to this no contact and I swear he has a way of turning things around and it so hard to keep my cool and act like nothing bothers me. Was that it for him is he pissed and doesnt want to deal with it? Or whats going on with him. Hes so hot and cold its exhausting.. What do I do from here on..? Thanks for reading. I know its slightly long, my apologizes

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Oct 28, 2:07 AM,
"Did I blow all this"

Well some things I probably would've done differently, but the bottom line is that - if he wants you dear, he knows where to find you...so let him ;-)

"I swear he has a way of turning things around"

Yea, that's called "emotional manipulation." Like he did here, "he text, whats your plans tonight? So I wrote back Im not sure yet dont really feel like anything crazy but Id like to do something. And his reply was oh ok hopefully you can figure that out...I said oh ok..and immediately he said OH OK? what does that mean?"

That right there was a little "head trip" purposefully meant to pick you up - only to let you down. It's a "control" thing. This one likes control, he's making YOU pursue HIM, as if he's the woman here - "he said text me tomorrow. night."

Meanwhile, he does stuff like this, "should have said something sooner..I will text you later because im out all night with them and ill see what your doing and we can go out. that was at 8:00pm and I never heard from him the rest of the night...I remained no contact...he said really you couldnt even have texted hey you were that busy."

He's controlling the situation by placing you in the "lesser" position here of chasing him around and waiting on him while he keeps you "hanging" in manipulative ways. Then even goes so far as to insinuate that if you're ignoring him, you should answer to him - and actually tell him that. Who the hell tells someone that they're ignoring them? Isn't the point of ignoring them to NOT be speaking to them?

He wants YOU to answer for YOUR behavior, while he runs around giving no thought whatsoever to his and answering to NO ONE for it.

"Was that it for him is he pissed and doesnt want to deal with it?"

I doubt it. Wait him out...and chances are, he'll circle back around LOL.

"whats going on with him. Hes so hot and cold its exhausting."

He's playing games and using the "players" short term rewards system it appears:


"What do I do from here on?"

If it were me, I'd probably be fed up with his flakiness that I would not respond to him for quite some time. And I certainly would NOT chase him - or answer to him.

Anonymous said...

I actually just ran into him again. He said he couldnt believe after things were good that just because he didnt text on sat I would stop talking to him. He was so angry telling me how i do these little blow ups every six months. I explained I wasnt sure of what the scenario was and he said then why dont you ask instead of ignoring me to the point that I dont think your ok. I'm leaving for vegas tomorrow and again was so upset said well really happy you told me that. That gives me alot of encouragment this week and weekend to know your in vegas doing god knows what. He said I dont want to talk about this, I cant even believe all this is happening. He said were we not getting good, were things not getting back on track. He said guess have fun in Vegas or whatever. No wonder you ignored me for 2 days so you didnt have to say you were going to vegas. What were you gunna do act like nothing was a big deal when you got back. Cuz I surely wasnt gunna call after you blew me off for no reason on sat. What do I do from here. Im sick to my stomach, I thought this would help the situation and instead it hasnt. Now hes pissed at me.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous October 29, 9:49PM,
I've already explained above dear that I believe this man emotionally manipulates you to have the upper hand. He makes it out like Saturday was the only day he was rude, but let's face it, he's minimizing things there...he's taken you for granted before that:

"He starts questioning the relationship saying hes not sure what he wants and basically ask for time...im going with the guys sorry, should have said something sooner..."

It's like everything is okay for HIM to do, but when YOU do the same thing, it's suddenly not okay. If he doesn't like being treated that way, then he shouldn't treat you that way. I mean...this man IS questioning his entire relationship with you, no? He's running hot and cold, no? He's doing things that he thinks are fine, as long as they're not happening to him, no? Just because he gets overly emotional and freaks out and gets angry doesn't mean he's right.

"What do I do"

I've already told you what I'd do dear, in my last response to you: "If it were me, I'd probably be fed up with his flakiness that I would not respond to him for quite some time. And I certainly would NOT chase him - or answer to him."

Anonymous said...


I'm currently dating this nice guy. He has been out of the game for 3-4 years and is quite new to this dating. He likes hanging out with friends and likes to bring me when he does. However, I like one on one time. I don't mind hanging out with his friends but I think since we are new I would like to spend time with him and get to know him better. I get annoyed when he ask me to hang out is when he wants to do something with his friends. How do I address this to him without appearing selfish or that I don't like his friends. My good gf introduces us and she would always put us on the spot when we hangout with out her. She text him saying that we don't invite her out to eat without telling me anything. She closer and knows me longer than she knows him. I feel like she's going behind my back to make him feel bad and that upset me. What should I do?

Thank you,


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I feel like she's going behind my back to make him feel bad and that upset me. What should I do?"

You need to have a talk with her and ask that she stop interfering, and explain to her that her interfering is actually undermining the situation to an extent.

"How do I address this to him without appearing selfish or that I don't like his friends."

You stop accepting the invitations that include hanging out with friends. Pretend to be busy instead. If he invites you to hang out with friends, simply explain that you've made other plans and you can't. And then in the same conversation, immediately suggest another date. "Oh, I'd love to, but unfortunately I've already made plans. How about you and I meet by ourselves this Saturday for dinner instead?"

Anonymous said...


I'm dating this guy for 4 months and he been grea . However, I noticed that after we became official and got comfortable with each other, whenever we go out and have to wait he would play games on his phone instead of talkin . I thin the while point of dating and go on dates is to communicat . You can't talk when you're watching movie or eating . How do I address this to him? It's really getting on my nerve that he does that. He plays game every night or whenever he's not working so why is he playing games when were out? I don't think it's appropriate to do that when you're out with your gf or bf. And I really dislike people who stay in their phone when they hangout with friend . Please advise. Thank you! And happy happy Thanksgiving!!!


The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

If it were me, I'd probably deal with it by physically removing myself from him once he detaches into the game. If waiting in line and he did that, I'd walk out of line and go look at store fronts or something, anything. And I'd leave him standing there alone, face buried in the game, until he realized I stepped away. And then I wouldn't return until he stepped out of line to retrieve me. I'd pretend not to hear him LOL ;-)

And then when he got upset that we'd lost our place in line, I'd probably say, "You know what? I'm not really feeling this tonight anyway. You're distracted and honestly, I'm bored. I think I'd rather just go home." And I would GO home. No drama, no fight, no argument - just an honest desire to go home. And if he kept asking why, I'd keep repeating, "I'm not angry, I'm just bored. I'm sorry, but I'm bored and I'd rather be home." (i.e. HE is boring.) And I'd go home, and if he was prodding and poking around about when we'd see each other next, I'd probably say something like, "Yea, maybe we can do that, we'll see. Have a nice evening, talk to ya' later." I'd leave "uncertainty" exist and I would not make any commitments right then and there about seeing him again - and I'd take a hard stance and not speak to him for a few weeks either if I had to.

Might sound harsh, but if you don't take an immediate hard stance with a man when he starts taking you for granted and becoming complacent about you and the relationship - when he "checks out" and starts emotionally detaching - then you risk the relationship if you're not willing to "snap" him out of it by making a hard move. Because when this starts to happen, the more you cling to him and the relationship, the more distant he'll become in an attempt to move away from it even more.

When men do this, what they really need yet don't fully even understand themselves - is space. They need a bit of space and freedom....to MISS you. To "experience" and remember the feelings they have for you. And it sucks, but as a woman, it's up to YOU to remind him of that when he starts to take you for granted. So when they start to act like this, it's best to mirror their behavior by distancing yourself as well, without any emotional displays or a big blow up, to snap them out of it and make THEM thinks and wonder about YOU for once. This brings their focus back onto you and the relationship. And if you're important to him, then all of a sudden, the game is not that important anymore and his attention is now diverted back to you and the relationship.

Give them a bit of a "challenge," give them something to excite them again, give them a bit of a chase...and you get their attention back if they truly care. Gotta' keep em' on their toes dear ;-)

Unknown said...

My new favorite article! We have the power to achieve and gain whatever we want, as long as our hearts remain pure and intentions good.

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