"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

Dating a Disappearing Man, Reached Your Limit?

Dating a disappearing man that reappears periodically without notice, and after rudely disappearing on you without explanation, is certainly an experience that many modern day females can relate to.

This can be seen in the discussion of the topic on this piece titled “Disappearing/Reappearing Man: What to Do” which is no longer able to accept any further comments on the site as it’s reached the 5,000 limit.

Yep, I’d say a lot of you have been dating a disappearing man and have reached your limit. I’d go even further and say it’s a modern day dating epidemic. So what’s a girl to do?

Well, I won’t repeat the suggestions I’ve shared on that piece because you’re free to go there and study up on it. However, I will say that after a couple of years’ worth of discussion on dating a disappearing man, and after many thousands of personal stories shared there, it has become apparent to me that the best way to deal with a disappearing man who reappears periodically to dredge things up (before disappearing again) is to focus on yourself – and try your best to forget about him.


Probably not what you were expecting to hear, I understand that. There are very detailed suggestions listed in that article referenced above if you'd like to give it a try. But after a couple of years of observation and lots of discussion with women dating a disappearing man, it has become clear to me that when these types disappear on you, even if they circle back, it generally leads nowhere. And that’s not because there’s something wrong with you – it’s because there’s most likely something wrong with them.

Men who display this pattern of behavior generally do not correct it. I’m sure you’ve heard the old saying, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” And the reality here is that we’re dealing with old dogs, ladies. Plain and simple – and they’re not learning any new tricks. They’re simply repeating the old ones over and over and over again for as long as they’re permitted to get away with it, which brings me to my next point.

People Can Only Treat You as Poorly as You LET Them


When we permit these patterns of behavior to play out in our lives over and over and over again, it should come as no surprise that the same outcome is simply repeated again as well. Yet it perplexes us. If he didn’t like me, why did he bother to come back? If he wanted nothing to do with me back then, why is he ringing my phone again now? It must mean he likes me. It must mean he’s at least slightly interested, right?

Yes, no, and maybe – for all the wrong reasons.

Is he interested in sex? Yes. Is he ready for a committed relationship? No. Has he hit a dry spell? Maybe. Either way you slice it, after a couple of years listening to stories from women out in the trenches dating a disappearing man, I can honestly tell you – I can’t think of one time, not one time, that it’s ever ended with “and they lived happily ever after.” I’ve read a ton of stories about women outgrowing their disappearing man (DM), or boring of him, or tiring of him, or meeting someone else in the 3 months it took him to make his 3rd reappearance. But no, in the 5,000 comments and stories shared, I’ve never heard a story that concluded with a “happily ever after” ending.

What I do hear is a lot of women beating themselves up, blaming themselves, wondering what’s wrong with them, questioning why he hasn’t called and asking when he will. And after a couple of years of researching this topic, I can stand here today and tell you – it’s definitely not you – it’s a modern day epidemic.

Behavior that was once considered abnormal is now slowly becoming the accepted norm. Hiding behind devices in texts and emails is making it even easier to transition society as a whole into the acceptance of this – accepting sociopathic behavior that displays no sense of remorse, guilt or empathy for the individual on the other end of the line. It’s easy to just disappear these days, because half the communication that existed in the first place existed in the virtual world, on a device screen, and not in real life. Gone are the days when you’d have to hold these discussions face to face. Nowadays, don’t like someone; don’t want to see them anymore? Hey, no problem, you’ll never have to speak to them again – just don’t answer any calls, emails or texts from them and voila’ – problem solved.

Throw in online dating and the endless buffet of easy opportunities there and what you end up with is a bunch of kids in a candy store, running around experiencing a fantastic sugar high that they never want to come down from. It builds the ego, it gives them something to brag to their buddies about, and they rarely, if ever, have to face any consequences for it. Hence, the birth of the disappearing man.

Ahh, utopia does exist after all, no?

The Mind Trip a Disappearing Man is Running on You


Many of these bad boy “players” are using a psychological tactic that they’re not even aware of (although some are VERY aware and well educated on the matter). They think they’ve got some magic sauce about them that women just can’t get enough of. But really, all they’ve done is stumbled onto a very real fact about the human psyche:


I just watched two men, both mid 30’s, on a reality television show the other night talking about women and dating - the issue at hand? One man had two great women on his hands. Sigh . . . problems, problems. Yet, he was patting himself on the back proudly about the fact that it was only two – which apparently is down from his usual norm of 8. Yea, you heard me, I said 8. And the other guy he was talking to didn’t blink an eye at that number.

So I think it’s safe to say – rotating 8 women at one time, misleading them all to think you’re “relationship ready”, talking about having babies and a future with them, and using them for sex until it’s time to move onto the next gal in your rotation – is apparently “the norm” in the lifestyle of many young modern males these days.

Should you hold your ground and level the playing field when dating a disappearing man that you sense has you locked into a rotation that he hasn’t exactly been honest about? Absolutely.

Should you hold your breath waiting for him to circle back around again? Don’t bother; it’ll be your turn again before you know it.

Should you pick up that phone or respond to that text when he does circle back around? Probably not – unless you want the first outcome to repeat itself a second time.

So What SHOULD You Do?


Forget having a “talk” with him and instead, do something constructive that will actually benefit YOU - and have that hard talk with yourself.

Ask yourself what it is that causes you to keep taking this man back. What is it that causes you to want to continue dating a disappearing man, despite already knowing that he’s not capable of making you happy or fulfilling your needs. Dig deep, because the answers don’t lie with him – they actually lie WITHIN you.

I repeat - people can only treat you as poorly as you LET them. If you do not permit people to act upon you, then you don’t get hurt, you don’t get used and you don’t let other people make you feel like crap over their shortcomings in life. You check their baggage at their door and you walk away into your future.

I’m not an overly religious individual, although I do consider myself spiritual – but when someone says something that is so very powerful it sends vibrations to your very core . . . then the message must be shared. Having said that, I’ll let Bishop T.D. Jakes take over from here:


“When people can walk away from you, let them walk. I don’t care how wonderful they are, I don’t care how attracted you are to them, I don’t care what they did for you 20 years ago, I don’t care what the situation is. When people can walk away from you, let them walk – because your destiny is not tied to the person who left.”

Can I get an AMEN, ladies!

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1060 Comments:

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piscesgirl said...

Hey Anonymous @ 6:54am! I do remember you and I hope the move went well for you and you are settled into your new place and happier there:) Your neighbor sounds like such a lame with his lame ass effort to try to re-establish contact with you. I am so proud of you for not replying. They really think that it takes such a small effort to erase all the sadness and anger they caused us. It took me at least 4 months to get over my neighbor and not think about him everyday. I was in the exact same boat as you a few months back but one day you just stop caring. You have other priorities in your life that are more important and take your time and focus. So for the time being I suggest just making yourself #1 priority-take really good care of yourself. Workout, decorate your place, watch your favorite shows/movies, cook/bake, read, focus your time and attention on friends and family who actually care about you and deserve it. Not some rude punk ass man child who takes you for granted. Work on your confidence and self esteem and really try to feel the best you can about yourself inside and out and before you know it you will wonder what you ever seen in him. Also try not to focus on the things you miss about him just keep thinking about all the lame ass qualities about him make a list of all the rude things that he has said and done and the way hes made you feel bad and when you think about him think about those things instead of the things you miss, then you wont associate him with good feelings. Also, talking to other guys can really help.

piscesgirl said...

One guy used to message me every day during my difficult time and I would tell him about my neighbor and once he said just forget about him and he would always remind me how beautiful and special I am and that really did help. We aren't dating now or anything but it was good to hear those things. My neighbor started acting too cool for me. I know he sensed I wanted a relationship and that's why he backed off but im not gonna allow someone back into my life after 5 months when they decide they are done effing around and neither should you. Im in a healthier place in my life now where I cant and wont accept that. There's a saying-all bridges that lead back to a place no longer good for you-burn them. Don't try to stay on friendly terms with someone you once had feelings for either because he could easily reignite the feelings you have for him and undo all the hard work and efforts you made trying to get over him. Stay strong and stay no contact!

Anonymous said...

Hi pisces, thanks for your great post!! Yes I will stay silent and I will let him hear those crickets chirping in the distance that Mirror mentions in her article. Thinking about that always makes me feel better!! Awww that's so nice that that one guy would always remind you how beautiful and special you are!! Because that's the truth!! People like our neighbors only want to play games with us for their own selfish ego's and that's really sad. It will never stop to amaze me how they think they can 'come back' with a simple hello and that's it!! So cheap!!! I'm glad to hear that you're doing well :) HUGS!!

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous 6:54am and PiscesGirl--yes, they always circle back with the lame text or email (not even a phone call) after a few months. After two months of straight NC, mine decides to send me a lame text saying "just wanted to say Hi". Whaaaaaaaaaat?? he hadn't seen or heard from me in months and that's all he could come up with-didn't even ask how I was. I could have been sick for all he knew. my rule now is I do not respond to lame texts. and if he does send a text that's half way worth responding to, I will not respond right away. I'll take a few days. I need to let him know that he's not stopping the show. I'm living life and not pining away over him.

piscesgirl said...

Hi Anonymous @3:11 am that's so funny because that's the one thing I always keep in my mind that Mirror had mentioned-letting him hear those crickets chirping in the distance is the way to go! Guys really do hear silence way louder and more clear than if you were to pour your heart out to them. I realized when I tried explaining myself and my frustrations with them they weren't really listening or cared so there really isn't any point. The only way they seem to take notice and care is if I completely fell off their radar. Then they will come back around when they are good and ready to talk to you and that's when you can tell them to get lost haha. The only thing I would of done differently with my neighbor is taken the coconut said thanks and then shut the door in his face ha!

piscesgirl said...

Hey ladies-just wanted to drop in to say that the whole concept of behavioral mirroring that I learned from this site has been so empowering to me because im never giving more than I am receiving anymore. If I don't hear from him-he doesn't hear from me. Not even on special occasions like his birthday there are NO exceptions. Its just crickets lol. I let my silence speak volumes. Im not talking about my neighbor because he's history and I don't associate with him anymore. Im just talking dating in general and my dealings with men. How empowering is it that by nothing at all you are actually doing something so powerful that triggers more of a reaction in the male mind. It really does take soo much willpower to not reach out to someone that you really want to talk to but over time it does get easier and before you know it you wont even care to hear from him anymore. So no contact and behavioral mirroring are so empowering and useful to us as women and I am grateful for this site and Mirror for enlightening me. I think men expect us to reach out to them and be that typical woman trying to make things right but when you act like you don't care and go on living your life because YOU are the prize they begin to see you differently because you act different. You aren't needy or desperate, you have other options, you know your value and worth-it really says all that and more.So good luck to all you ladies doing no contact I know just how difficult it can be but the payoff is so great. You will also get some much needed clarity and realize you are likely much better off without him

Anonymous said...

Thanks pisces ! I really needed to hear that today because I'm having a hard time ugh... I miss him so much and I hate that I even miss him, because "what's there to miss" right?? But I still do. I haven't responded to his 'hello, how are you?' subjectline (there wasn't even text in the body of the email) but I had hoped that my silence would make him send a long groveling apology... LOL! But no, nothing like that. Time for me to read on mirror's site again, it always helps me to stay quiet.

@Anonymous 30 june, 1.45 pm: did you end up responding to that lame 'just wanted to say hi' text? I don't understand either why they think that a stupid message like that is enough...

piscesgirl said...

Hi there Anonymous -I know how difficult it can be when you don't respond and you hope that they will up their efforts to try to win you back and they don't. Part of me wanted my neighbor to try harder than his -hey I know we haven't talked for 5 months but here's a coconut as a peace offering. Like i'm sorry but you're gonna have to do better than that. I think a man who sets goals will do anything and everything to achieve them and if you are his goal he would stop at nothing and if at first he doesn't succeed he would try again until you are his. Of course don't expect this to happen when he's a playboy and/or he's lazy and doesn't really care to put forth that much effort into women and dating.

The other day I heard a knock on my door -I knew it was him because I hadn't invited anybody over and he's the only one who just comes knocking without calling or texting first. So reluctantly I opened the door and it was neighbor of course. I just had a blank look on my face when I said hi and he said he just wanted to let me know that I left the light in my car on. I was just like ok...thanks...and then I just closed the door. I didn't open up any kind of conversation with him. I feel like that could of been his way of trying to find a way to start a conversation with me or something but I really didn't care to. Once I stop caring about someone I pretty much turn cold. I just keep remembering the times when I wanted him to come over and spend time with me and i wanted to have conversations with him and he pulled away from me and now its too late. Last night I was driving into the parkade and I looked up which is something I haven't done for months and months now to stick with my out of sight- out of mind in an effort to help me forget about him but I did look up and his bright bedroom light was on and I could of sworn a seen a girl there in his bedroom on his bed im not too sure cause I didn't wanna look too hard but im almost certain it was. He will never change I think he's narcissis but secretly very insecure and those types of guys need to have multiple females in their life for validation and to boost their fragile egos and my neighbor is one of them. He used to tell me how some girls just wouldn't leave him alone (oh poor you I would think to myself) but I think he actually liked when females would chase him and then he would come and tell me about it. Last night I just thought to myself if I was still talking to him and seeing him and developing feelings for him it would of hurt me and bothered me so much to see another female in his bedroom even if we weren't dating. But since I have nothing to do with him now I just thought he's a man and men don't go without sex they need it and hes free to do whatever he wants and I cant even be upset about it because hes not my boyfriend or anything and he's already showed me what kind of guy he is so it doesn't really come as a surprise.

piscesgirl said...

I think when we miss someone and long for them its certain things about them but when they've made us feel bad over and over again its just not worth it-they aren't worth it. The fact that he can carry on for this long and not talk to you means he doesn't care. A man who really wants to be with a female doesn't let that much time lapse knowing that there are surely other men vying for your time and attention. He wouldn't even be able to handle the thought of another man being able to get to you emotionally and physically. The guys who were really into me were always border line obsessed to the point were they annoyed me and in one case I had to get a restraining order lol cause he just couldn't stay away.
I think if someone isn't making you feel important why would you make him feel important. Sure it hurts and its hard not talking to him and seeing him when that's all you want to do but he has to make that effort not you and if he's not making that effort he doesn't care and if he doesn't care why should you! You're better than that and you aren't desperate he's not a perfect man and don't put him on a pedestal just think of all his flaws, weaknesses and things he's done and said to upset you and focus on the negative things about him when you think of him. You almost have to get to the point were you are disgusted by his actions and the way he's made you feel.

We are not powerless in these situations. We hold all our power by sitting back in our beautiful feminine energy and letting them come to us and step up to the plate and if they don't then its good riddance! I know we are taught to be ambitious, go getters and do everything we can to make our goals and dreams happen but in the dating world and with men this just does not work as Mirror discusses so well on this site. It comes across as aggressive, desperate, manly behaviour that might get a man temporarily but he likely wont stick around because as Mirror says men have to feel like men and we have to give them the chance to do that.
And sometimes when they do come back around its for all the wrong reasons so don't be too gitty about it hopefully by that point you will be so over it that you wont even have any feelings left and you wont be happy or excited to hear from him or see him again. I think we have to remember if we are tired of the sadness and hurting and pain we have the choice to let it go and begin a new chapter but that cant happen if you are sitting around hoping and waiting for him to come back around. Don't let him waste your time and hurt your feelings. You control your thoughts and feelings. Stop focusing on him and get busy with your own life and work on your confidence and self esteem and treat yourself like a queen and then you wont allow any man to treat you any less than a queen and you will attract better because you know you deserve better and you really do.

Anonymous said...

Hi Anonymous: Anonymous June 30, 1:45 here. No,I didn't respond to that Lame Text. He was just doing that Two-Month check that MOA speaks of.

Anonymous said...

thanks pisces, I really needed to hear this again today. I was about to contact him and reply with "Hi?" but I know I shouldn't . Thank you!!!

piscesgirl said...

yeah exactly Anonymous @10:38pm lol what a lame he was just poking. These guys are soo predictable. And Anonymous @ 3:05am you are welcome and please do not contact him! its only going to boost his ego and these kind of insecure guys live for that and then go brag to their buddies and other females that this one chick is so into him and wont leave him alone. They think about us way more when we go MIA on their ass and they don't hear from us at all and it also increases their respect for us in the process because we aren't acting like the typical female and they are admiring our emotional strength(as MOA speaks about). When I don't hear from a guy it does tend to stir up insecurities in me and I start thinking about everything -was it something I did or said or didn't say or was it my body or my face- was he just not attracted to me enough or did something turn him off...but now I stop myself and stop making it about me and what's wrong with me and we all have to stop doing that and realize its not always about us its about them and we are not the first or last female they have treated this way. This is why im realizing self esteem and confidence is everything because men prey on the weak and insecure females.
So why go contact him and boost his ego when he's making you feel insecure and unimportant. That's the way I see it you know. And when ive tried to do things my own way and say F it I don't wanna be prideful Im just going to contact him -it never did work in my favor and i always ended up regretting it.
Now when I sit back and be patient and give it some time and in that time continue to try and improve myself and my life, I feel more in control and at peace and that is my power. Also, realize when you are not contacting a man it also stirs up insecurities in him because it goes both ways and not every guy is as confident as they appear to be. He probably is scratching his head wondering why you aren't blowing up his phone and soon enough he will realize hes not as special and important to you as he thought he was lol and he will begin to see you as the prize because YOU ARE THE PRIZE not him. Once I told a guy about my neighbor and how I thought about contacting him again and he told me I was too bad for that. I didn't know what he meant at first but i guess he meant that i was too good for that shit to be hurtin over a dude and chasing after him. Like 'bad bitches' they don't chase or beg or act desperate and guess what- they are the ones that guys are pawning over and chasing constantly because they have an I don't give a F attitude. So i always think about what that guy from New York said to me because he seen me as a "bad bitch" and now i believe i am one and with that comes an "im too good for this shit" kind of attitude. Even if inside its killing you not talking to him hold on to your pride and don't act on it because that is where all your power is and when he does come back around that's where you can decide whether hes even worth it. I went through the same thing with my neighbor and when he did come back around i was so over it at that point i wasn't even attracted to him anymore -i just pitied him..good luck hun please don't lower your pride for a lame who really isn't worth it.

Anonymous said...

Nope, don't respond.

Anonymous said...

You are soooo right, PiscesGirl. These guys just want to see if you are still in their toybox. I'm like, I don't have time for this nonsense. What's even worse is that the guy I was dealing with is almost 60 years old. You would think that these childish games would be behind him. But no. And, yes, when you don't blow up their phone, that really gets them wondering. When I went No Contact, he got his grown daughter to call me from his phone. I didn't answer the call--it went to voice mail. Then a week later, he called and left a voice message asking if I got the message from his daughter (Seriously??!!). Again, I totally ignored it. then he called again. and again I ignored. Then Two Months later, came that lame "just wanted to say Hi" text- which I deleted. All I kept thinking was "hey, Dude, this is what YOU wanted" now deal with it.

piscesgirl said...

Staying no contact has become easier for me over the years though I still wrestle with my feelings and emotions and that feeling of sadness and void but I realize that really has nothing to do with a guy who stopped talking to me or ignored me. I know that if I felt happy and whole as woman on my own than no man could bring me down, break my heart of make me feel so sad and empty and that goes for all of us! why are we allowing these lames who have so many faults and insecurities of their own to take us to a dark place and make us feel bad they don't deserve that much power or control over us- nobody does.

I think for me when i consider contacting any guy again its because of my own insecurities that start coming into play thoughts like im getting older running out of time, maybe I wont find better than him, i don't want people to think there's something wrong with me because im still single (btw assholes will always try to insult me with that if things go sour between us because they know it will play on my insecurities) another reason would be im bored/lonely/sad/feeling vulnerable etc. So now that im more aware of these thoughts im more in control of them and as a result more in control of myself and what i choose to do or not do. Instead of focusing so much on a disappearing guy I refocus on myself and areas in my life where I can improve and short term/long term goals. Chances are if dude was your dream man he wouldn't make you feel so sad and questioning things so much because he wouldn't pull childish stunts and go so long without seeing you or talking to you and those lame ass hey texts/emails don't count as making an effort to talk to you.

So in point form the things I keep in mind for why you shouldn't contact him are..

1)Makes you seem desperate- like there's no other man on the scene wanting your time or attention
2)Boosts his ego-insecure dudes live for this- the girls who chase them even the ones they don't really want because it makes them feel like they are in high demand and all the ladies want them
2)Gives him another chance to reject you and make you feel bad-what if you do reach out and he ignores you again or is short with you because he doesn't really wanna talk to you.
4)wont change the outcome. He might start talking to you again briefly but he'll be gone again if he didn't initiate the conversation on his own because he's simply not interested or ready at that point.
5) a woman should NEVER chase a man- i read something on instagram the other day it said the best way to get the attention of a man who's playing hard to get is....don't
So true!a man should want you more than you want him.
6)Finally he will likely come back around on his own but if and when he does it has to be when he is sincerely ready and missing you and genuinely wants to make things work so he has some explaining to do and real effort to make. Its basically like starting all over from scratch. Forget the past you have to treat him like a stranger, a guy you don't really know and you should be on guard and proceed with caution because he is likely to pull more stunts in the future.


At the end of the day its not about playing a game its about holding on to your pride and letting your silence speak. You are no Dumb B you recognize his game and you are playing right along but a way that puts you ahead and you don't lose.
At the end of the day we get what we settle for and what we settle for is what we think we deserve.
Just wanted to come back and share my thoughts because society and men are always making us feel like there is something wrong with us and playing on our insecurities and we need to take our power back and realize self love is the most important kind of love because no matter who we might end up in this life we will always be with ourselves and our thoughts all day, every day. Let go of the negative and focus on the positive and keep taking care of yourself.

Anonymous said...

Hi Pisces Girl. You, my dear, are very wise

piscesgirl said...

@ anonymous 7:46 pm thank you <3 I learned a great deal from this site and Mirror's teachings and also from my own experiences with men in dating and relationships. With growing pains we gain insight, understanding and clarity or at least we should be. Now I have a better idea of what I want and what I will not settle for. I'd rather stay single than be with someone who isn't right for me just for the sake of being with someone. I feel more balanced and at peace when im just doing my own thing and not letting a man stress me out or bring me down. Im just trying to improve in all areas of my life now and I hope in the right time the right man will come along and ill just know.. and I wish the same for all you ladies who come on here sad, frustrated with so many unanswered questions and that feeling like you'll never get over him. Eventually you do though because things never stay the same -your situation and your feelings will change and life will go on.

Anonymous said...



Hi Mirror,

Maybe you remember this guy in Europe I met on the chat website.
He came back around and I texted him (in June)
But as I jokingly read somewhere I may have sent something like the last "27" texts after he stopped responding (I actually haven't counted)
At first in response to was it something I said, he said "no can you chill out a bit."
Then he hasnt answered but he doesn't block me and I can see the error in my ways.
I finally sent a text (yesterday) at the recommendation of a guy friend, a spinoff of that after about a month of me texting him on mostly weekend evenings:
Hey X, I miss you but I don't like being ignored so I'm going to stop reaching out, if you'd like to chat you know how to find me..."

My question is, is it over?

I'm trying to be open to meeting new people but I would like to know his interest if other than he thought I was too available. Has he written me off completely?


I also notice that I write "books" and overthink texts and he is really punchy and to the point.


How can I get him to be interested again?
He doesn't really have a way of checking up on me I think

After what time could I initiate contact and what could I say

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Aug 10, 4:12 AM,
"I may have sent something like the last "27" texts after he stopped responding (I actually haven't counted)"

Never give a man the impression that you're desperate for his attention, and that you don't have any other male options.

"I finally sent a text (yesterday) at the recommendation of a guy friend"

Why send a 28th text, when you've never received a response to the first 27?

"My question is, is it over?"

I recall your situation and in this case, I'd have to ask - was it ever really on? How can something that never existed be over?

You have never met this man, and never dated this man, and a cyber relationship never existed here. He's had a girlfriend this entire time. And if I remember correctly, he never attempted to initiate any type of romantic relationship with you, and was very honest with you about not wanting one (because he had a girlfriend).

Something that never existed can't be over - because it never "was" in the first place, ya' know? It only existed in the mind.

"How can I get him to be interested again?"

I believe he was very honest about not being interested in the first place dear. He told you he had a girlfriend, and he was honest about not wanting anything romantic from you.

"After what time could I initiate contact and what could I say"

I do not advocate chasing men. You've send nearly 30 texts that have gone unanswered. I would not send any more.

We cannot make others love us or want to be with us. We cannot control others. We can only control our reactions to them.

Carry yourself with dignity and grace, leave the past in the past - and embrace a new future :-)

piscesgirl said...

I forgot to add this to my last post about no contact and when you are considering contacting him. I feel like whenever we consider reaching out to him besides missing him the main reason is to seek validation from him for ourselves. Its actually very selfish behaviour when you think about it because you are expecting one person to validate you as a human being which is a huge demand. We really just want to know what the hell is wrong with us and why he doesn't think we were good enough. When our confidence and self esteem is in the mix like that and we begin questioning everything about ourselves and we aren't getting any answers from him that's when the internal battle begins and we feel this sense of urgency and sometimes desperation to reach out to him. But you have to question your own thoughts because those negative tapes in your head are on replay and they will keep telling you that its you and something is wrong with you when the truth is it may have very little to do with you at all. Maybe at the time he just wasn't sure if he wanted to start or continue having a relationship with you and/or he had other options and was like a kid in a candy store and like Mirror says sometimes the insecure ones just pull these stunts to see what kind of reaction you will have. Regardless of the reason why he pulled away or completely disappeared just keep telling yourself its not me. When he realizes you aren't losing you mind over him because he isn't getting any kind of reaction from you that's usually when he will circle back around because you may have sparked an insecurity in him and now he is questioning if you forgot all about him and moved on or if you ever really cared at all. That's how you make the rejecter feels rejected- its the easiest thing you literally do nothing. Men seek validation as much as we do that's why when he comes back around he will often ask- "did you miss me?" Pretty much every guy i've known who has come back around will ask me that and that's when you can say -I've been too busy and focused on my own life to have time to sit around and miss anyone. Unless you are an active part of my life im probably not thinking about you much at all.
And to Anonymous @4:12 am before you send another text ask yourself -why am I doing this?
Is there something in your life that has happened that caused you a great deal of hurt and sadness? Maybe you had feelings of lack growing up or poor self esteem. I'm no psychologist but I do find that self reflection has helped me cope with my feelings by simply recognizing them. Those feelings of insecurity, hurt, sadness, lack are the reasons why I have gone out there to seek validation often from the wrong guy who could never give me that because he himself has a multitude of issues or is completely broken inside. The only person who could really validate you is you and I think you just need to get a grip and ask yourself why you are doing what you are doing.I think sometimes we just need to be really honest with ourselves despite how difficult that can be.

Anca said...

Dear Mirror,
I just can't express how much I appreciate your intelligence. Like somebody said here, your posts has given me great strength and insight. I am coming here more often that I would like, to reconnect with myself, to feel strong again after a breakup, which so often ends in "ghosting" (English is not my first language so, please, forgive my mistakes). In the last years, there were some disappearing men and I always come back to read this posts, when I my impulse it is getting hysterical about it. And here I am, again in this situation... but this time I am in love and it hurts so bad I want to crawl under the bed and just die. Of course, I won't, and If I learn something with age it's not the pain is weaker, but it takes shorter to heal, like I developed some antibodies.
I met a 59 year old (divorced, with 3 grown up kids) while sharing a ride to the seaside. During that ride, we get along wonderfully, we were on the same page on almost every topic, he was smart and manly and cultured. We met for some drinks and the attraction was quite strong, we kept on dating and talking like addicts via whapps, we kissed, we talked again, I felt no pressure, he was so courteous and sweet and attentive and he seemed genuinely interested in me, in what I had to say. He even enjoyed my flaws... He seemed trustworthy and he was there for me. And, of course, I was there for him, when his brother in law died. We took it easy, I felt secure, I enjoyed every moment with this real man who, I thought, was not acting like a boy, no mindfucks or games... I let my guard down. Mistake: the first warning signs were the plans he made for our future, like all the time. I had problems at my job and he said: worst case scenario, we can live from what I earn, we can travel and you could write. I did not see it at the time, but I was really vulnerable after my last relationship, I was looking for something substantial, something real. He kept saying how he tries to control his feelings, but its beyond his control, that he feels pathetic because my absence hurts him like crazy. "I feel like a know you forever, is it our love story or just a simple madness?" While I thought it is a luminous and happy period, he was fatalist: "This storms of soul are only source for tragedies". I started to panic he is trying to get rid of me like a mad disease or something. But he reassured me every time. Then we took a trip to the seaside again, so it was our first sexual encounter. He was very passionate and yet he withdraw before sex, saying he is very tired. After that, he became more reclusive, but after he saw I am not going mental over his lack of texts, he came back strong. Two weeks ago, the scenario repeated. After a very heated foreplay at my place, he stop and said he needed to go back home since he is working the next day. I understood he has sexual anxieties and he is afraid he can't cope with a younger woman (I am 15 years younger). For me, it is nothing we can't overcome. But, the next day, he sent me another one of his troubled texts "Where are we going and hoping to achieve?" "Are you meditative?", I asked. He said no, he is restless, "this so so hard for me.. but don't pay me any attention, good night." I said I don't know how to respond to his big questions, but I have never felt so good in a while, so instead of obsessing about future, let's just surrender ourselves to the moment. Next day, he cancelled our plans for the weekend with a laconic text, he did not replay back to my questions.. So here I am, 10 days of no contact. From that connection and that intensity, to nothing. What I find it harder to deal with is that he made me trust him and he pull the rug underneath me. I realize it takes some guts for him to be able to open up to me about his performance anxieties (yes, after all, it takes masculine courage). Again, reading this pages, feeling a little bit better, holding on to no contact rule, as much as it hurts...

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anca,
"I realize it takes some guts for him to be able to open up to me about his performance anxieties. . ."

Very true. However, based on the fact that he attempted twice, then suddenly stopped short and disappeared - I suspect this isn't anxiety.

I suspect this man has actual performance issues (not performance anxieties).

He may not be capable of intercourse. This could be from age, illness, mental blocks, medication, etc. But whatever the reason, it appears he does not wish to proceed because he expects to fail. And my guess is that after that failure, he expects YOU to walk away from HIM.

Which is why he decided to run first.

Sometimes, when people think they're going to get hurt or dumped or left behind, they do it to others FIRST to save face. That way, they don't have to cope with being abandoned. Instead, they become the one who abandons. This gives them a feeling of power and control over the situation and themselves (versus being abandoned and left to feel powerless).

NONE of this is a reflection of you dear.

There are clearly issues taking place in this man's life, and he's running from them. As a result, he's not permitting himself to get intimately close. It's a defense mechanism that's kicking in with him, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Chances are he's done this before with other women. And may likely continue to do it in the future with other women as well. It's not about you. It's about his situation, and it likely doesn't matter who the woman in that situation with him is. The end result would probably be the same regardless.

You may likely hear from him again. Don't reach out to him. Don't pressure him. Don't question him. Remain silent. Give this man plenty of space to process what he's just done, how he's behaved and the impression of himself he's given you. Give him plenty of space to experience his feelings, process them, and create a solution.

Men tend to be solution oriented so there's a good chance he's thinking about all of this already.

And once he reaches a conclusion, he may circle around to explain himself and his behavior. At that time, you have the power of choice. You can choose to proceed with him if you like and if he's willing - or you can decide that you'd like to move on.

In the meantime, try to move forward with your life. Don't wait on this man. Leave him to himself to process his own issues. Don't take them on as your own. If he wants you, he knows where, and how, to find you. In the meantime, you carry on moving forward. . .he can always catch up with you ;-)

Anca said...

Mirror, thanks to your wonderful response, it is exactly what I intend to do, you are wonderfully wise.

Melissa K said...

Dear MOA, thank you for sharing your insights on disappearing and reappearing men. It is the best I have come across:)

Unfortunately I have one that I can't seem to forget. We dated for 2 months in Summer 2015. We only became physically intimate towards the end, ironically because I wanted to feel sure that he was truly into me. After we finally slept together things were amazing, and he kept in touch constantly for about a week afterwards. I thought everything was going great until he started the slow fade. I honestly didn't even understand what was going on at the time. I texted him three times over a week or so but I never heard back. Once I figured out that he was deliberately ignoring/ghosting me and not just legit busy I ceased all communication. To say I was hurt and disappointed is an understatement.

In Spring 2016 he texted me again out of the blue. I was shocked but secretly hopeful too. I still really liked him. I responded after a couple days and that began a week of intense flirting. Unfortunately, the talk then turned sexual. I told him I wasn't interested in hooking up and that I didn't want to talk anymore. He kept texting but I didn't respond.

Six weeks later he was back. Literally begging me for another chance at a proper dating relationship. I kept in touch and waiting for 3 weeks while I tried to make up my mind if I even wanted to see him again. During this time he was on his best behavior contacting me daily. I finally agreed to a date. We had a great time, nothing sexual, and I again felt hopeful. But over the next few weeks he didn't ask me out again despite texting me almost daily. Finally I just stopped responding to his texts.

Fast forward to one month ago, Fall 2017. Can you even believe that he came back again! Telling me he still thinks of me all the time. I didn't respond at first but after a couple days I replied. The compliments and flirting started again. He was telling me all these things that made me think maybe this time he was genuine. He even told me how he just got scared in the past. But then, he started talking again about how great the sex was with me. I have heard this from him many times. As soon as he started this, I stopped the conversation in its tracks and blocked him from contacting me. No explanation, no warning, just cut him off and blocked his number.

During his absences I know that he was monitoring my social media. At one point he accidentally 'liked' one of my public pictures on Facebook, pretty suspicious since we aren't even Facebook 'friends'! After he did that I blocked him on Facebook.

MOA I know that this probably sounds cut and dried, but I feel torn. This guy has a complicated past that makes me think he's genuinely scared of intimacy. He was in a 14 year relationship/marriage and has been divorced for 5 years. He has had no serious relationships since his divorce.

We are not in touch now and I have blocked him everywhere. Still, it hurts. Why would he do and say all this if he doesn't care at all? Why not just drop it? We are both 36, so not kids. He is absolutely gorgeous too, 6'4" with muscles and dimples and the best sense of humour. We used to laugh and joke around for hours. Our personalities click. I genuinely believed that there was a real connection.

Thanks so much for reading, and for any insights you might have.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Melissa,
"Fast forward to one month ago, Fall 2017. Can you even believe that he came back again!"

Yep, see it all the time LOL. Did an informal survey here on this site years back and discovered upwards of 90% of disappearing men come back. However, if I remember correctly, not one single case turned into a lasting relationship.

"As soon as he started this, I stopped the conversation in its tracks and blocked him from contacting me. No explanation, no warning, just cut him off and blocked his number."

Good for you! The best predictor of future behavior, is past behavior. You noticed his pattern, and you put a stop to it, which was wise. Men tell women what they think they want to hear every single day in order to gain access to their bodies. And it appears that's what this fella' here does, too, unfortunately :-(

ACTIONS always tell the TRUE tale - words are nothing but air.

When a man's words do NOT align with his actions, then you know you're being lied to. It's really that simple. No mystery, no confusion, no wondering - the answer is right there in front of us, and the man is telling us the TRUTH via his ACTIONS.

If a man says he's really into you and a relationship is possible, but he cannot keep up that facade for more than a week consistently and his actions do NOT align with those words, then you have your answer - you're being lied to by the man.

Actions never lie, and words should always be taken with a grain of salt (i.e. not seriously until they're accompanied by repeated, consistent actions over a length of time that align with those words).

"This guy has a complicated past that makes me think he's genuinely scared of intimacy."

That could very well be true. But then the question becomes. . .is that the kind of man you wish to settle into a relationship with? One that's fearful of true intimacy? One that will struggle opening up to you and letting you in? One that constantly keeps you in the dark and doesn't explain himself or his actions?

Does he really qualify as date-able in that emotional condition? Or would it do him some good to spend some time alone on his own, working through his emotional issues BEFORE even attempting to enter into a relationship with a woman?

Because if people don't do the work themselves first - on themselves - they'll never really be able to be one half of a healthy relationship. A dysfunctional one fraught with pain and sorry - yes. But a healthy, happy one - no.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"He was in a 14 year relationship/marriage and has been divorced for 5 years. He has had no serious relationships since his divorce."

Did you ever think that maybe the reason he's divorced and hasn't had any serious relationships since is because -- he fears intimacy and has never done the work on himself to successfully manage that and/or work through it, therefore, he's unable to be one half of a healthy relationship?

Because as I just stated above, "if people don't do the work themselves first - on themselves - they'll never really be able to be one half of a healthy relationship."

How are you supposed to enter into a relationship, something that REQUIRES intimacy, when you're fearful of intimacy? That's likely the very thing that makes him run. He's never done the work on himself he needs to do so that he can have a relationship. He may have run from his marriage. He may have been a terrible husband (i.e. closed off and distant). That may have caused his wife to cheat (his fear of intimacy didn't enable him to fulfill her emotional needs). He may have cheated constantly (in an attempt to avoid intimacy with his wife).

There are many ways that could manifest in his relationships. So again I ask you - is this really Prince Charming here? Think about that. Would a relationship with him really be great? Or would it be a living hell that leaves you feeling empty, used, confused and rejected constantly (as he's already put you through many times)?

"Why would he do and say all this if he doesn't care at all?"

Because he's got emotional issues that he's not worked on, dealt with, or acknowledged. And these unresolved issues are manifesting in his behavior - manifesting as unpredictable, unreliable and inconsistent actions (that cause others pain).

Jumping from woman to woman constantly enables him to not have to deal with his emotional issues. This behavior enables him to not have to become truly intimately involved with a woman, because before that happens, he runs scared like a coward (which even he's admitted).

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"Why not just drop it?"

Because he doesn't want to. He wants to date. He wants to have sex. He wants to spend time with women. He wants to have fun. He just doesn't want to become emotionally intimately involved with them is all.

"We used to laugh and joke around for hours. Our personalities click. I genuinely believed that there was a real connection."

Well, thing is. . .that's not a real connection in the romantic sense.

I joke around and laugh with friends for hours - male friends. That doesn't mean I want to date them or spend my life with them though. All that means is that when we're together, we have a lot of fun. As in, "birds of a feather flock together." It's simply an affinity for one another. Affinity means, "a spontaneous or natural liking or sympathy for someone or something. . .a similarity of characteristics suggesting a relationship [friendships are relationships]. . .the degree to which a substance [or person] tends to combine with another."

People with similar perspectives, values, beliefs, etc. are naturally drawn to one another. But that doesn't represent a romantic connection. It simply means that, as human beings, you connect on many levels.

Romantic connections require emotional investment.

A man that fears intimacy isn't making emotional investments into his relationships. Sexual - yes. But that's different from emotional. Emotional investments represents sharing feelings with another, showing feelings towards another, allowing yourself to feel emotions with another, and doing the work to make more of that happen (progression). A man emotionally invest in you when he tells you he loves you. A man emotionally invests in you when he shares his innermost feelings with you freely (without you having to pry them out of him during an interrogation session LOL). A man emotionally invest in you when he devotes large amounts of his time and attention to you. A man emotionally invests into you when he makes you a priority in his life. A man emotionally invests into you when he feels a strong urge to begin providing for you - providing protection, shelter, food, emotional support, feelings, etc. Very basic human things that haven't changed in our species in eons.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

You KNOW a man is emotionally invested into you romantically when he begins taking ACTION and doing all of the things I've just listed above. I hate to say this but if a man is NOT doing any of the above, his actions (i.e. lack thereof) are telling you that he's not emotiionally invested in you :-(

I think this man has affection for you. I think he enjoys your company. I think he enjoys sex and physical connection with you. I think he has an affinity for you. But all of that is very "casual" - and does not signal an emotional investment unfortunately. And that has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with YOU.

Those are his own issues holding him back. And nothing you do or say, or don't do or say, has any real affect on that. All the love and sex and support in the world does not change the fact that, if the person doesn't do the work on themselves to make them "relationship ready" - then they're simply going to remain in a suspended state of casual encounters that lead nowhere (because their issues hinder them from moving forward into emotional intimacy and hinder them from forming a true attachment to another).

I realize this probably isn't what you wanted to hear. But believe me when I tell you - dating men like this can become an absolute nightmare. One that leaves you spiritually, emotionally, and mentally damaged at it's end. The constant rejection and feeling of being kept at arms length does a lot of damage to the human psyche (Why doesn't he want me?). Your confidence suffers a tremendous blow (Am I not good enough?). You begin questioning everything, including yourself (Was it something I said or did?). You being experiencing a lot of self-doubt (Should I have done or said this instead?). You develop a sense of low self-esteem (Is this how other men think of me, too?). You begin to feel worthless (Am I unloveable? Would another man even want me, if this man doesn't?).

Don't wish for that dear.

This man isn't "fully cooked" yet LOL. I know you may feel that because he's 36 years old, he should be further along. But our physical age has absolutely nothing to do with our emotional age - our emotional maturity. They're two entirely different things. You can be 36 years old physically, and only be 15 years old emotionally. Especially if you've suffered a trauma of some sort at a young age.

Many victims of childhood abuse stop "growing" emotionally at the age the abuse took place. If a young girl is sexually molested at the age of 12, her emotional growth may be stunted right there. She can grow to be a 30 year old woman, and still secretly emotionally feel like a vulnerable, scared 12 year old girl around men.

A man can suffer humiliation or bullying at the age of 15 and grow to be a 40 year old man that's secretly an angry 15 year old boy inside emotionally. He may lash out at others who challenge his way of thinking or something he's said without warrant, because in his mind he's being "picked on" once again. Only difference is now that he's older, he's fighting back. He's not really being picked on. But because he's emotionally that angry 15 year old boy, his response will be similar to that of an angry 15 year old boy that feels he's being picked on. All because he said that red wine is better with beef and some poor unsuspecting soul at the table disagreed and said they prefer white wine instead.

This man has a lot of work to do on himself dear, before he's relationship ready and able to successfully be one half of a healthy relationship. If I were you, I'd steer myself clear of becoming his victim. He's likely not out to victimize anybody.

But the thing is - people with deep rooted unresolved issues tend to project them onto others, forcing them to experience the fallout. And it's usually the people that care about them and that are around them that experience that most :-(

Melissa K said...

Dear MOA, thank you so much for your incredible reply. I truly appreciate your time, insights and perspective. Your tact is especially kind and appreciated.

Explaining the difference between someone having an affinity for you, versus having a (mutual) romantic connection with them was really helpful. I definitely see what was happening between us in a different light. During phone & text conversations things were usually light and fun. In person, he would tell me stuff about his ex-wife and their marriage/break up. Apparently they fought constantly, however I could tell that he was (and probably still is) very much in love with her.

I began to change the subject when his ex-wife came up. On one hand, I thought he was emotionally investing in me because he would tell me about their relationship and also about his family issues. I guess you won’t be surprised to hear that he has a very difficult/strained relationship with his mom LOL. On the other hand, I didn’t want to become his armchair therapist/emotional training wheels.

I was hurt and disappointed about this situation for 2 years. But when he came back again last month, I found myself switching between indifference and anger most of the time. On one hand, he was telling me things he had never said before (i.e. “sex makes you more attached, that’s when I get scared and run” etc.) that explained his behavior. He was also complimenting me, and telling me he thought of me all the time, missed me, loved talking to me, remembered the “great sex” etc. On the other hand, he said things that were in direct contradiction to all of this flattery. For example, saying that he had “given up on finding a relationship” and that he “made a better friend than a boyfriend”. Now, when he came back last month in NO way did I tell him that I wanted to date him or have a relationship with him. Not at all. I was mostly un-invested, poking fun at his bad behavior and even stringing him along because I felt genuinely conflicted. My indifference made him panic and he was blowing up my phone with 8-10 texts in a row until I would finally reply. He had no sense of how crazy he was acting. If a woman did that to him he’d take out a restraining order LOL.

In the past, I told him clearly that I was looking for a monogamous relationship. He basically told me that he wanted this too (with ME) in order to get me into bed, and again at later times to get me to consider talking to and dating him again. The fact that he made a new request for sex last month (after just telling me that he basically did not want a relationship) offended me in the worst way. Of course, it was him brining up sex that prompted me to cut him off without a word. His last text message still haunts me: “I’m not all about sex. I had two chances with you after we had sex the first time and I didn’t take them. But if you’re offering I wouldn’t say no. Just saying”. If I’m OFFERING? Sex had not come up, besides him literally just telling me how great we were together. Honestly, it is probably the worst text I have ever received. I think he is more than a little confused about what those “chances” were. “Chance #1” was when he could have continued dating me after our initial 2 months together, but decided to ghost me one week after first having “great sex” instead. “Chance #2” was when he came back to me last summer literally BEGGING for a proper date and potential for a relationship. I didn’t even agree to see his face again until he had pursued me every day for almost a month. I guess I am just so confused and disappointed at his lack of empathy for other people, and his inability to recognize what his words/actions might be doing to the girl on the receiving end of his mixed messages, confusion and BS. I would never treat someone this way, so it is confusing to me that he obviously can and will at every opportunity.

Thank you so much MOA for creating this platform where I could share my story and get some perspective. It is truly and deeply appreciated.

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to share my recent experience with everyone here. I was casually dating this guy (i'm not even going to call him a man because he's still a child) for 3 months. We had sex the 2nd time we met. I knew from day 1 that he wasn't the man for me. The date was going well, he planned to see me in a nice restaurant, paid for dinner, great conversation then invited me back to his place. I ended up staying overnight (no sex 1st night) because we were out pretty late although I could have spent that extra cash on cab.

I ended up being the one going out of my way to see him. He was also a musician and touring so we would see each other 1-3 times a month. There were times when he would text to say he missed me a lot. I didn't contact him very often and he would initiate it but I would ALWAYS be the one to traveling to meet him.

The last time I saw him I decided to check his phone while he was asleep. I admit it wasn't right for me to do this (it was my 2nd time by the way) but I also wanted to find a reason to not see him anymore. I hated torturing myself and knew this wasn't going anywhere. I found some messages he exchanged with a woman along with racy photos. That was enough to get me angry so I started getting ready to leave. He wakes up, asks what's going on. I angrily respond by saying how I don't ever want to fucking see him again. He presses on to ask why I'm reacting this way so I mention about the text. We both find the text message and I recall him scrolling quickly up to the top of the message saying how that message was exchanged months ago in July then he closes it. He starts saying how I got angry over something that happened before we met. That I should have checked the date of the message. At that time I was so angry that I didn't realize that he deceived me... I clearly remember the last message just showed the time it was sent/received. If a text message was from a previous day it would show the date. So he made me feel guilty at that moment. I only realized all this a day later when I was able to think more rationally. I really should have left that night but I ended up staying until the morning. He was too tired during the rest of the night for any discussion and he woke up in an angry mood then threatened to rape me. He said "If we were dating I would tie you up and make you take it from behind because you were bad. You deserve to be punished." I also found out he was bisexual while this was all happening and if we were to be 'loving partners' in the future I should be okay with sharing him with other lovers.

Anonymous said...

(CONTINUED FROM ABOVE)

To make this long story short I didn't speak to him for 2 weeks after that. He calmed down after making his threat to me that morning after he smoked a joint then said how it was up to me what i wanted to do. That he will be waiting on my call. For the first couple of days I was going through cycles of emotions from feeling angry, disgusted to sad. He texts me 2 weeks later saying how he really missed me and if this was the end he was thankful for our time. At this point I was in a better place since I had space to reflect on what happened (actually should've waited a month) but I have decided that he was toxic and if I carried on it would be out of self loathing. BUT I also wanted to confront him about the rape threat because that was wrong. He apologizes for it and says "I'm really sorry I threatened you. I would never ever hurt you like that because I was sexually abused..." SO AGAIN I find this out about him. At this point I didn't even want to ask him to elaborate and just accepted his apology. My goal was to hear him admit that he was wrong. He asked if we can "hang out" again I said no. He says "well not immediately... but later on." Anyway ladies that's my story and I've learned a lesson from all of this. First dates are easy. We all wear rose colored glasses in the beginning but the man is still a stranger. We don't know where he comes from so yes I can see why it's not advisable to sleep with a man so early on if we're looking for long term relationship. You know what the annoying part is? I still missed him during the time we didn't speak and I felt that again few days ago after we 'broke up'. But I'm also telling myself that's okay because it's all part of the detoxing cycle. The longer I stay away from him the better I will feel.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 29, 4:42 AM,
Thank you for sharing your story dear. I'm sure many women reading here can relate to things you've shared.

You've made a wise decision for yourself in this situation.

This was not going to be a spiritually, mentally or physically healthy relationship for you. This man is seeking "good times" and using people to that advantage, while you're seeking a committed relationship. You're both of two very different pages and deciding that this wasn't for you was a wise decision.

The lifestyle he's leading isn't healthy for him or anyone else. But to each his own.

You continue taking good care of yourself and looking out for yourself and the RIGHT man for you will come along in time now that you've made room in your life for him :-)

Anonymous said...

@MelissaK - if he has to broadcast he's "not all about sex", I assure you, he is. People who are, don;t have to announce it.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

LOL - I agree 100% with the statement above, "If he has to broadcast he's "not all about sex", I assure you, he is. People who are, don;t have to announce it."

This is what I often refer to as stating the obvious.

When someone makes an open statement about something that could be considered "obvious" - i.e. something most people generally assume as fact without announcing it - you can bet your bottom dollar that the EXACT OPPOSITE is usually the truth.

For example, I consider myself to be a trustworthy individual. I assume most people know that about me, or can simply deem to be true for themselves after getting to know me.

As a result, I do not feel the need to run around screaming to the world, "You can trust me! You can trust me!"

That behavior is more common with people that ARE NOT trustworthy. They are the ones trying to CONVINCE others that they can be trusted. As a result, they make it a point to run around telling everyone, "You can trust me! You can trust me!"

In the end, you find out they're not to be trusted at all. Even though they were the one's constantly stating that they could be trusted and trying to strongly convince others of that.

In otherwords, it's not necessary to state the obvious when it's true. That only becomes necessary when it's NOT TRUE and you're trying to CONVINCE others that it is true.

I don't have to run around trying to convince people that they can trust me. My actions speak for themselves. I can assume that others know they can trust me, because I've not given them any reason not to. Therefore, the entire topic of trust isn't even worth discussing.

Much like the man who repeatedly says to you, "I don't like to sleep around. I'm looking for a relationship." And then you find out he's an online man-whore with 17 different profiles, under multiple different names, across multiple dating platforms - and he's only had one "serious relationship" that lasted a whole 3 weeks when he was 18 years old LOL.

In otherwords, men that are seeking committed relationships really don't feel the need to try hard to convince the woman they're dating that they're not a man-whore or a "mimbo" (male bimbo). They know there's no existing evidence of that. Therefore, it's not even of concern to them worth mentioning.

When people, male or female, try hard to convince you of something that really could be generally assumed or obvious - you should raise an eyebrow and listen closely.

Ask yourself, "Why do they feel the need to try so very hard to convince me of this? Why do they feel the need to try so hard to convince me they're trustworthy? Why do they feel they need to try so hard to convince me they're not a man-whore?"

Because they're NOT trustworthy and/or they're a man-whore, that's why.

If they weren't, there'd be absolutely no need to try so very hard to convince you otherwise ;-)

Thanks for bringing this topic up Anonymous December 6, 2:30 PM!!

young bull said...

Dear mirror,

i have been in this disappearing reappearing cycle for a year now with this guy he disappears then reappears 2/3 weeks later up until now i have always been the nice girl when he returns... is it too late to pull the rubber band theory? will this get him to change his ways/ the cycle. i am a taurus and so is he. i have always been too afraid to pull this strategy because i am afraid of rejection but enough is enough.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Young Bull,
"I have been in this disappearing reappearing cycle for a year now with this guy he disappears then reappears 2/3 weeks later up until now i have always been the nice girl when he returns."

Why is that? Why do you place his needs before you're own? I hate to say this dear, but being "too nice" does not pay off. It doesn't make people love you or appreciate you.

To the contrary, it actually makes people view you as desperate and their tendency is to then take advantage of your desperation.

They know you fear rejection. They know you don't value yourself highly. They know you're insecure and fearful. And they know that they can treat you like crap and you'll be there, no matter what. . .because you're "too nice" to walk away and stand up for yourself.

Been there, done that. It doesn't pay to be nice to people who are not nice to you. They will only take advantage of you. They will take you for granted (i.e. take it for granted that no matter how bad they treat you, you'll always be there - because that's what your actions have shown them).

"is it too late to pull the rubber band theory?"

There's no straight simple answer for that unfortunately. Every man is different. Every woman is different. Every situation is different.

It all depends on the man's level of interest.

Genuinely interested men change their behavior and appreciate you more. Men who are not genuinely interested don't bother changing anything and ultimately just disappear on you (because they weren't genuinely interested in the first place).

Either way dear, doing nothing -- is actually DOING SOMETHING.

If you do nothing and the man steps up to the plate and changes his behavior, then you have your answer. You know he's a genuinely interested man.

If you do nothing and the man doesn't step up to the plate, does more of the same over and over again, and then just disappears - then you have your answer. He wasn't genuinely interested and he did you a favor by disappearing.

Either way, you'll have your answer.

But you have to love yourself enough to take a stand first.

"Will this get him to change his ways/ the cycle."

There are no guarantees in life dear. If he's a genuinely interested man, he will make changes to make you happy. If he's not genuinely interested and was simply passing the time with you, then he won't change at all to make you happy.

"I have always been too afraid to pull this strategy because i am afraid of rejection."

But - who cares if a man that treats you poorly rejects you anyway? The only thing you're losing if he rejects you is more crap treatment from him. So it's no big loss, ya' know?

That's like saying, "This guy treats me like crap. But I'm afraid he'll reject me and won't want to treat me like crap anymore."

Why be afraid of losing more crap treatment LOL? It's not like he was all that great anyway. It's not like he was treating you great and you lost something great.

He treated you like crap and then he did you a favor by walking away. . .so no more crap from him - yayyyyyy LOL!!

There's nothing to fear. If he's not a man that values you, then it's best he walks away anyway so that you have room in your life for a man that appreciates you, values you, and treats you as such.

Lissa K said...

Hi MOA, it's Melissa K:) I've referred to your advice so many times and I wanted to thank you again. I have an update: the guy who I wrote you about before showed up again a month ago. He was blocked from my cell and Facebook profile, so he had no way to get in touch with me for 3 months. Then on the very first day I signed up to an online dating site, there was a message from him there in my inbox. I almost had a heart attack when I saw his face. He immediately me why I blocked his number, why I wouldn't talk to him and if I was going to block him on the dating site now that he'd messaged me? I was very shaken up. He always comes back as if we are in the middle of a conversation, like nothing has happened. I replied slowly, telling him that what he had said to me in the past was messed up and I wasn't interested in talking to him anymore. I then asked him not to contact me again for any reason. He didnt reply. There was so much more I wanted to say. But I bit my tongue, because I didn't want him to know he has affected me so much, considering how casual it all was. MOA what are these men thinking?! Why do they just pop up like nothing ever happened? Do they ever feel genuine remorse? I would never keep making contact with someone under these circumstances if I was him... unless there were feelings there. Do they really need attention so badly? It's not as if he can't find someone else or that other women aren't attracted to him. When we were together other women would always stare at him and a couple literally tried to pick him up right in front of me. He closed his dating profile two days after I joined the site. It all makes no sense. UGH!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Lissa,
"MOA what are these men thinking?! Why do they just pop up like nothing ever happened? Do they ever feel genuine remorse?"

I think this is a sign of the times. Back in my day, men and women did not treat each other like this. Sure, there were breakups and tears. But this level of disrespect that exists nowadays simply did not permeate society at that time.

And truth be told, I believe technology is one of the culprits here.

It's really easy to be a coward, and behave like one without consequence, when you're hiding behind a tech device and you don't have to look the person in the face, see their emotions, and be accountable for the pain and distress you've caused to another.

People that behave like that dear are selfish cowards. They're weak willed individuals that have emotional issues that they've not dealt with. Those issues show in their behavior and treatment of others. Because let's face it, breaking up with someone or being honest with them about how you feel is an emotional issue, in and of itself.

Emotionally mature individuals can face emotional situations like that in a healthy manner. However, individuals that lack emotional maturity cannot. And their emotional immaturity reveals itself in their behavior and cowardice.

Look at it like this - this man is emotionally weak.

You're stronger than he is. He's fearful, weak willed, selfish and cowardly. Even upon his return he is STILL unable to face the emotional aspect of his own behavior.

That's a sign of someone that's not ready for a real relationship.

Someone that's not ready to do the work involved to have one. Someone that's not ready to make the sacrifices necessary. And someone that's not even "right with themselves" and as a result, cannot treat others respectfully.

No big loss dear.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I would never keep making contact with someone under these circumstances if I was him... unless there were feelings there."

Right, but that's YOU. And you're an emotionally mature individual. You have to remember that not everyone is emotionally mature -- and many people go through life using others like stepping stones to get by.

This man may be returning to see if you'll become excited and begin showering him with attention. He may be returning for an ego-boost. He may by "needy" of that in order to feel good about himself and valuable to others. And then once he gets what he needs - poof, he's gone. And when he starts feeling low and not good about himself, he suddenly returns again for another boost. And if he receives that boost - it likely somewhat justifies his treatment of others. As if, "Okay, I didn't hurt her that bad. What I did wasn't that wrong because if it was, she wouldn't be showering me with attention like this."

When people are emotionally immature dear, their behavior is often times reckless and unpredictable. They exhibit a lot of self-destructive behavior that destroys their relationships with others at work, in their social circles, in their family relationships and in their romantic ones as well.

"Do they really need attention so badly?"

Yes, some do. Some people secretly suffer low self-esteem to the point that, as I just stated above, it's self-destructive behavior that negatively affects ALL their relationships with others.

"It's not as if he can't find someone else or that other women aren't attracted to him."

Right - but he's probably exhibiting self-destructive behavior towards them as well. He's probably going around blowing up relationships right and left, which forces him to rotate around while he's running from the flames.

"He closed his dating profile two days after I joined the site."

Well, in my opinion, that's a good thing. Because he sounds like he's probably going around causing pain for others all over the place. So it's best that he remove himself, get right with himself, do the work he needs to do on himself - so he can be his best self and become one half of a healthy relationship someday.

Lissa K said...

Thank you MOA. Exactly, spot on. "This man may be returning to see if you'll become excited and begin showering him with attention. He may be returning for an ego-boost. He may by "needy" of that in order to feel good about himself and valuable to others. And then once he gets what he needs - poof, he's gone" I think this explains it all. Underneath all his bravado he is very insecure. He was also very jealous in the short time that we dated, getting upset if he didn't know where I was and even once commenting that a shirt I was wearing(which was showing a bit of cleavage) was inappropriate for a night out. Huh? The fact that he would even have to ask why I might not be interested in talking to him is confusing to no end. No apology, no acknowledgement of anything he might have done wrong. Mind = blown. Although I know I will never see him or speak to him again, it's amazing how the drama with these types of men can be so exciting and addictive. Shows I have to keep working on myself, so that I am no longer attracted to men like this and left wondering about these situations in the first place. I think it explains a lot about why I am still single. I've kissed a lot of these frogs. Thank you again :)

Anonymous said...

PART I

I need to share my recent experience with a man that I was seeing for a little over a month. Hopefully my experience can help other women find insight.

I met Cory from an online app. At the time I was also hurt from a previous man name Adam that I was seeing for few months. Found out he was bisexual (that part didn’t really bother me but wished he told me sooner) but the fact that Adam wanted to have an open relationship. Also Adam was a musician and toured constantly. Anyway I wanted to move on and finally date men who were going to be emotionally and physically available.

The funny part is when I saw Cory’s photo online I had weird feelings about him and I didn’t know why. Even when I met him the first few times I didn’t like him at all and I just couldn’t figure out why. I thought perhaps I was still hung up on Adam and making excuses to not give Cory a chance. Within the first few dates Cory was very attentive. I would receive good morning, goodnight text messages, and dates were always planned few days in advance. When Cory was away on vacation to Florida he would keep in touch and even said how we should go together next time. Men always jump ahead to make these “future promises” with women and I should have taken them with a grain of salt.

I had sex with Cory on the 3rd date in his studio. I became instantly fascinated by his passion for work, his care/concern for employees and how he made his way to top from nothing. This is when I wanted to open up to him believing perhaps he is a reliable man for me. I asked about his previous relationships and he said most of them lasted anywhere between 2-5 years. To tell you the truth I wasn’t feeling too great after we had sex. I knew it was too soon but I wanted to still see where I will go with him.

Anonymous said...

PART II

I started to notice a slight change in him after we had sex. He was still contacting me and the 2nd time we had sex I stayed overnight at his place. I opened up to him about how I wanted to just be physically intimate with him. I felt perhaps it was too soon to ask him to be my boyfriend but I also felt it was fair to know if he was being physically intimate with other women. He looked at me for a few seconds and said “I have no other options.” So basically he gave me a vague and strange answer to a direct question. Although he said “Well i haven’t been dating anyone else since I met you.” At the time I accepted his answer and didn’t press further although it did bother me.

The following week became stranger. Cory and I had a slight argument because I wanted to meet him during President’s day since we were both off from work but he said he was chored out during the weekend and wanted to take the day to rest. Also he mentioned that he had to help out a friend but wouldn’t elaborate what it was. I didn’t like the sudden change in his attitude and said forget it. However, he contacted me during midday and planned to take me out for dinner. We met for dinner and made up for the argument we had earlier. When I went back to his place I asked causally what the situation was with his friend. He let out a big sigh and looked like he was about to tell me but stopped and said it was personal stuff. I thought it would be rude to press him so I let it go and he also made up for it by taking me out to dinner.

We still texted each other throughout the week however, I decided to take a step back and didn’t plan a date with him first. I also started to feel an emotional attachment to him because we had sex. I was no longer the cool detached chick but waiting on him. I stopped dating other men after the first time we had sex. It was already Friday and he didn’t plan a date with me. I still acted cool but was disappointed and noticing change in him even more. On Saturday he asks if we can meet on Sunday. He says he’s very excited to see me and for a moment I was relieved thinking maybe he had a busy crazy week resolving this issue with a friend.

Sunday comes. I already start feeling really anxious sensing that Cory isn’t going to see me today. It was 3pm in the day and no contact from him. At this point I get really angry and reach out to him. He says we can’t meet today. I ask him why. He says “something came up”. At this point I knew something was wrong.

Anonymous said...

Part III

Cory says he couldn’t tell me what was wrong over text and he wanted to say it in person. I ask him to call me instead and within an hour he calls.

So this friend of his is an ex girlfriend whom he dated 1.5 years ago for 5 months. She contact him a week ago about her immigration status in the USA and how she’s about to get deported back to her country. So the only solution she has right now is to marry a US citizen which happens to be him. He tells me how he decided on Saturday that he was going to marry her on Friday in city hall. I was baffled. I ask him if he loved her or had any feelings for her or if she felt the same. He says NO. I ask him then WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU DO THIS FOR SOMEONE THAT REAPPEARED IN YOUR LIFE? SOMEONE WHO’S NOT THAT SIGNIFICANT TO YOU? His reason was that he felt she was a good person, this country has messed up laws and he wanted to give a huge middle finger to the government. I couldn’t believe it. He is a man in his mid 30s, a creative director of a company and someone who seemed really smart, capable of making it through the world to give himself away like that for a woman he didn’t even have feelings for?

We were “breaking up” of course and I wasn’t shy about letting him know how angry I was. I told him that I was starting to really like him and thought he was serious about me because on several occasions he made “future talks” about meeting my family and his. Having beautiful children. All he could say was that he was sorry. He said at first he thought we can still continue a relationship while he was married to her but realized that would make things complicated. He would also have to live with his ex gf and felt that I wouldn’t like that arrangement either. Also before he told me about this marriage with the ex he told me to promise not to tell anyone. Not even to my sister. But I lied and promised not to. Of course I told this to my sister, friends and coworkers. It was naive of him to think I would choose him over someone close as my own sister. I tell her almost everything.

He still wanted to maintain contact saying how he liked talking to me about creative projects and all. I told him to talk to his fucking wife. He says “You know how bad this is making me feel right? I could’ve been an asshole and not told you the truth but I did. Look, I can arrange to have some of your stuff back (I left some stuff at his house). I’m not going to delete your number. It’s fine if you do but if you ever need anything don’t hesitate to contact me.” My response to him was that he’s just trying not to be the bad guy here and how I found that it way more insulting that I would EVER contact him for any help. Then I told him to throw away all my stuff. But he said he wanted to keep them (weird).

Anonymous said...

Part IV

I was going through emotional turmoil during that night and the following day. I kept asking myself “HOW ON EARTH CAN SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPEN TO ME?!” I told my sister and friends about it and everyone was shocked by how insane this situation was. One of my coworkers also voiced her concern about how he was breaking the law and if the immigration department found out he would be in big trouble. She also said “Look, maybe he is a really nice stupid guy and the ex is manipulating him.” When she said that it hit me pretty hard and I thought maybe he is… so I contact him again asking if we can meet for the last time before he got married. He agreed to meet me after work at a bar.

I wanted to try to understand his decision because I truly believed he was a good man and felt that I would regret not trying to talk some sense into him one last time.

I started off the conversation voicing my concern to get him to open up about his decision. He of course gave me the same response about wanting to help her to be a good person. I asked again if he had any feelings for her because if he did that would make more sense and I would be happy for him to be back with his ex. He says NO. I asked what their conversation was like he says “clinical.” He says everything that I said was right and made sense but he wasn’t changing his mind. when he says “If I didn’t meet you I wouldn’t have felt bad about this honestly. I really wouldn’t give a shit that I’m doing this to myself.” That’s when I started to get emotional and cried. I held onto him and started to open up about how I still had feelings for him and how I admired him for being a hardworking man. He stared at me and said it hurt him to see me cry and he feels really bad. He still likes me too. He also starts to cry later saying how he was about to kill himself 2 years ago. So we’re at this bar for 4 hours holding onto each other and finally he says “Okay you’re right I made a stupid mistake. God what have I done.” But he also says that it’s too late for him to cancel the marriage and he can’t do something that BAD to a woman he promised to secure her stay in the country. Then he also says “Look babe it’s just a paper marriage…” I say NO that I refuse to have an affair with a married man. He finally says “Okay, let me think about this.” We leave off with a kiss and I tell him again to let me know his decision about the marriage was happening in 3 days.

Anonymous said...

Part V

Wednesday, Thursday goes by with no word from him. Friday comes and no word. I drive myself crazy and had no proper sleep for days. By the end of Friday I knew 99.9% he married this woman. However, I also believed if he was a good man he would tell me. Maybe he feels really ashamed and guilty so he’s avoiding giving me an answer. Those were thoughts that were plaguing me. I text him on Saturday evening asking what his decision was and how I have no regrets seeing him that last time. No word. Weekend goes by with no word. Monday goes by with no word. By Tuesday I’m literally going insane and have a hard focusing on anything. Everyone at work feels sympathy for me and tries their best to remind me that I dodged a bullet and if he was a decent person he would have told me. Everyone tells me to move on and we all know what his decision is.

That morning I asked myself why I was still holding on. I still had feelings for him and had the belief he was a good person. And in order for me to really move on I needed to know the answer and stop liking him.

I text him that Tuesday afternoon saying how I needed to know and I was hurting. He responds within few minutes. Says he will text me later tonight… however he starts to tell me that he didn’t get married however, he was going to continue where him and his ex left off the relationship. They are also going to move to Maryland because of his company. So I knew right away at this point this man LIED about everything. I was furious. I asked “so does that mean you had feelings for her all this time?” He says “yes.” Everything made so much sense that this man was not NORMAL. I say to him “Why did you have to make that elaborate lie? All you had to say was “My ex came back and I wanted to get back with her.” Because this man is a liar he kept coming up with ridiculous responses like “Well you and I met a few times and had sex twice so it would make more sense if we were together longer.” He also said they spoke about marriage but they both decided not to and she can work on her visa status out herself.

I ended that text message calling him a piece of shit, lying asshole, and thank god I can move forward however the unfortunate part was that he has to live with himself. After that I blocked his number because I was done with hearing anymore lies from him.

Anonymous said...

The End

I never felt so relieved in my life. He was not the man whom I thought he was. I suspect he has a character disorder. He is not sorry for what he did. Everything he did was intentional and I’m not even sure which part of him was real or an act. There were other signs about him that I picked up early on that made me feel uneasy. On the 2nd date when we went to a pinball arcade he would angrily slam the machine really hard, he mentioned about using drugs since he was 12, all his ex gfs left him, he would start a scene in bars and got banned from places and giving me vague answers to direct questions. There are more but I won’t name them for the sake of trying to end this story.

I believe this man wasn’t planning on telling me about his decision at all. He said that he was planning to tell me that Sunday and I said “Well it’s fucking Tuesday now.” A part of me thinks that he also wanted me keep me as a back burner or somehow believe he was a good man. Anyway it doesn’t matter because I thank GOD that the his deception was shown at last. He could have chosen to ignore me that Tuesday but somehow it all came out to the open and there was a reason why I couldn’t move forward without a confirmation from him.

Ladies this was a big lesson for me. There are dangerous men out there like him who will prey on vulnerable unsuspecting women. I’ve been lucky most of my life not coming across someone dangerous like him and it made me realize that it’s very naive of me to assume everyone has a good conscious. I was really concerned for him although it was foolish of me to buy into his whole image so quickly. I’m reading about people with character disorder and they are not normal people. They are aggressive, cunning, calculating and will do anything to get their way. I dodged a bomb. If this man couldn’t even tell me simple truth it makes me wonder how far he can go. I also suspect his gf now might be someone vulnerable. These types of people prey on the weak and I hope if she is a decent woman that she will get out of this relationship.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 10, 3:08 PM,
". . .he wasn’t changing his mind. when he says “If I didn’t meet you I wouldn’t have felt bad about this honestly. I really wouldn’t give a shit that I’m doing this to myself.”

LOL - what a fool believes. He'll care when she divorces him the minute she gets her green card and takes half of his assets as her own plus alimony payments in the divorce.

"it’s too late for him to cancel the marriage and he can’t do something that BAD to a woman he promised to secure her stay in the country."

He can't do something that bad to someone, but he can commit a crime that bad? Okay, whatever. This man is clearly not thinking through the full consequences and ramifications of this reckless decision he's made here.

"Then he also says “Look babe it’s just a paper marriage…”

Yea, and that comes with a full set of consequences - legal, personal, and financial.

"I tell him again to let me know his decision about the marriage was happening in 3 days."

Truthfully dear, after listening to his reasoning for this rash decision and seeing for myself that he's not thinking of the consequences, both immediate and long term, of his reckless decision. . .I can tell you right now, this is not a man I'd wish to date EVER AGAIN. And I could care less whether he got married or not. That would have absolutely no bearing on my decision to never see him again.

What WOULD have to do with my decision is the fact that there's no way in hell I'd get wrapped up with an irresponsible man like this. If he'll do this - if he'll lie about this and screw up his life and finances like this and commit a crime like this - what else would he be willing to do?

Doesn't matter - because I would NOT STICK AROUND TO EVER FIND THAT OUT. At this point, I've seen enough to know that this is not the man for me and that I do not wish to be involved with someone capable of making decisions for himself like this. Because if he's willing to steer his own life into a ditch without thought to consequences, than I'm not going to attach myself to him through life. I'm not going to attach myself to a man that's making decisions like this so that he can steer MY LIFE into a ditch as well.

"in order for me to really move on I needed to know the answer and stop liking him."

But hasn't he shown you enough already for you to decide he's not the man for you?

"I knew right away at this point this man LIED about everything."

Well, there you go. But honestly dear, you didn't even really NEED to hear that to know that this guy was either incredibly reckless or a complete liar or just downright crazy. His behavior up to this point was already sending lots of red flag warnings that something wasn't right here.

"There were other signs about him that I picked up early on that made me feel uneasy. On the 2nd date when we went to a pinball arcade he would angrily slam the machine really hard, he mentioned about using drugs since he was 12, all his ex gfs left him, he would start a scene in bars and got banned from places and giving me vague answers to direct questions."

Well, combine that with all of his other behavior and you end up with a big giant red flag waving - "WARNING! WARNING!"

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"A part of me thinks that he also wanted me keep me as a back burner or somehow believe he was a good man."

Absolutely. This man was likely cheating on this woman the entire time with you. OR, he thought she was going to be sent back home, and he didn't want a single minute to elapse without him having Plan B in place (for sex), so he went out to the big wide web to find it :-(

He's completely and totally insecure dear. Not to mention, a real emotional mess. One thing you can be sure of is this. . .this poor woman he's with is going to be absolutely miserable with this man.

"There are dangerous men out there like him who will prey on vulnerable unsuspecting women."

Absolutely. Which is why I take a pretty firm "tough love" stance here on this website. I cannot stress enough just how very dangerous some people can be to others. Many think they can navigate through those stresses only to realize years later that that one person they kept issuing second chances to and the benefit of doubt really screwed them up and left them with emotional baggage. Feelings of low self-esteem, feelings of shame, unable to trust anyone ever again. . .this is not child's play. This stuff is for real.

There's a very real consequence attached to these situations, which is why it's so very important to protect yourself and never let anyone convince you to drop your guard for them unless they've done the WORK of PROVING themselves to you FIRST for a long length of time.

"it’s very naive of me to assume everyone has a good conscious"

Can't do that these days. Can't do that at all. But know this -- you're geared towards feeling that way about others because you're a person with a good heart yourself. And that's a good thing :-)

"I also suspect his gf now might be someone vulnerable."

Can you imagine? She's from another country. Maybe doesn't even have family here. Doesn't understand the culture fully, doesn't understand how some folks here can operate, is relying on this fool of a man. . .as I stated above, she's got a world of hurt coming straight for her I suspect.

She's going to be miserable with this man and he's going to hurt her terribly :-(

Anonymous said...

Hi MOA,

I’ve been dating (not exclusively) this guy for a while now and he always disappears after we see one another and it usually lasts 3-4 days. Is this normal behavior? Usually we see one another once a week but between that time I never hear from him unless he wants to see me.

I feel like I’m a revolving door which lets him come in and out anytime and honestly I feel used. I never have had sex with him because I only will if there’s exclusivitity and he knows this so why does he keep coming around?

Please help!

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Mar 20, 12:45 AM,
"I’ve been dating (not exclusively) this guy for a while now and he always disappears after we see one another and it usually lasts 3-4 days. Is this normal behavior?"

Yes - when casually dating (i.e. no commitment, inconsistent) you cannot expect relationship type communication (i.e. committed, consistent).

"Usually we see one another once a week but between that time I never hear from him unless he wants to see me. I feel like I’m a revolving door which lets him come in and out anytime and honestly I feel used."

Dating is supposed to be enjoyable and fun. If you're dating someone that is only creating feelings of negativity instead of positive feelings, then you need to consider taking control of your happiness and moving on and away from him.

You don't need to wait around for HIM to decide about YOU.

As a woman, you have the power of choice to use to your advantage - you can choose to settle for what he's willing to give, or you can choose to move on and find someone that's more in tune with your needs.

If you decide to move on and find someone more suitable to your needs, you can simply say something like, "It's been great getting to know you. However, I feel as if the relationship isn't progressing and growing. My ultimate goal is to meet someone that wants to take steps towards moving into a committed relationship and I just don't feel like that's the direction this is going. So I'm going to move on but I wish you all the best, and I'm glad I got to know you."

All of the above is truth and honesty. And while he may react negatively to it, rest assured that if you truly feel this way -- you're making the best decision for yourself by taking control of the situation and making a wise decision that will lead you to your happiness :-)

Otherwise, you could get hung up with a man like this stringing you along for months, even possibly a year or more, with nothing but a bunch of empty promises and flowery words. If you've been dating him for a few months and he's not taking any actions to move the relationship forward, then it's probably time to wish him well and say goodbye.

Anonymous said...

Hello MOA,

Thank you for your empowering response. I think I will take control of my happiness and let him go. It'll probably be better for the both of us since I have been demanding more from him and he isn't willing to move forward.

Thanks again!

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

Haven’t heard from a guy I’ve been talking to in over a week. Would it really be that much of a game changer to send a simple greeting asking how he’s been?

Why does sending something first have all the pressure you claim it has? Is there any way I can still express myself without worrying about the consequences of simple actions?

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous June 20, 10:17PM,
"Would it really be that much of a game changer to send a simple greeting asking how he’s been?"

Yes, it would. When a woman foregoes her feminine role (submissive), and instead decides to take on the man's masculine role (leader, initiator) -- she gives away her feminine power, and risks damaging the man's attraction to her.

There's power in your femininity and men are attracted to feminine energy. They're not attracted to masculine energy. If they were, they'd date other men. When a woman decides to take on the masculine lead role by becoming the initiator / leader, the man can begin to feel "pressured" by her advances. SHE is now pursuing HIM. And men who are indecisive, not ready for a relationship, or just want to date casually and spontaneously without obligation or commitment to the woman can quickly become "turned off" by her advances.

It happens every single day, all the time. Just read through the stories on this site to see hundreds of examples of that very thing.

"Why does sending something first have all the pressure you claim it has?"

Because it's unnatural. By the laws of nature - man leads (leader/initiator), woman submits (submissive). The woman's power lies in CHOICE. Once a man begins to pursue her, she has the power to CHOOSE whether or not she wants to submit to his advances.

When the woman takes on the lead role, she gives away her power of choice, and has signaled to the man that she's now willing to take on the lead.

Men like a challenge, hence their love of sports. When a woman is no longer a challenge and instead, begins pursuing the man and making herself available to him all the time, it can take the fun of dating away for the man.

Men like to chase women. They consider it a "sport" of sorts. Which is why you often hear them exchanging stories about their latest adventures with their male buddies.

Let a man be the man. And you remain your feminine self :-)

Because the only way a woman can know if a man is genuinely interested -- is to see if HE pursues HER.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

If the woman starts pursuing the man and takes on the lead role, she will quickly become confused and insecure. Because she then has no way of knowing if the man is genuinely interested, or is he just being nice and not really all that interested?

Then self-doubt creeps into the woman's psyche. She starts thinking, "I don't know if he really likes me. Sometimes he answers, sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes he responds to my texts, and sometimes he doesn't? Why is he acting like this? What's going on with him?"

And many times the answer is -- the woman offered herself up, and he simply took her up on her offer. But he's not genuinely interested, so he doesn't make her a priority, and he doesn't really care what she thinks :-(

Had the woman not begun pursuing the man, she would've saved herself a lot of grief and confusion. She would've known immediately that the fact that he did not pursue her meant he was not genuinely interested.

"Is there any way I can still express myself without worrying about the consequences of simple actions?"

Yes - you can express yourself by remaining silent, and staying in your feminine role. Many times when dating, doing nothing IS doing something.

Men understand the language of SILENCE. . .they use it on women ALL THE TIME.

So when a woman remains silent, the man hears that loud and clear. He knows that she's:

1) Confident in herself (i.e. doesn't need to chase men)
2) Has a life of her own
3) Won't compromise herself
4) Knows her value and worth

All very attractive things.

But when a woman pursues a man, the man knows:

1) She lacks confidence and has become insecure about where she stands with the man
2) Doesn't have other male options (i.e. lacks a life of her own)
3) Is willing to compromise herself in exchange for his attention
4) Doesn't know her value or her worth, and instead seeks validation from the man.

There's a lot of "unspoken" language that takes place between a man and a woman when dating. It speaks volumes if you listen closely to what it's telling you ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

Thank you for answering my questions and clarifying for me. It's been hard to sit back and do nothing because I'm emotionally invested and the longer time passes the less I feel which is sad to me. Those feelings were fuzzy and happy ya know? :(

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous June 21, 12:56PM,
"It's been hard to sit back and do nothing because I'm emotionally invested and the longer time passes the less I feel which is sad to me. Those feelings were fuzzy and happy ya know?"

I understand completely.

But here's the thing -- why wish to remain emotionally invested in a man that's not emotionally investing into you?

The thing that creates those happy fuzzy feelings is a man's equal investment into you. And when a man ceases emotionally investing into you, it's a BIG mistake for the woman to try to take the lead masculine role on in a desperate attempt to continue receiving an investment from the man.

Instead, the woman needs to LISTEN to what the mans LACK OF ACTION is telling her. And then she needs to cease investing into him emotionally herself, in order to protect her heart and avoid walking into a situation where her judgment is so compromised by her desire for the mans attention -- that she walks right into a situation where she's willing to become his doormat just to receive it.

The fact that you "feel" less for him, when he begins investing less into you is actually your body and mind going into self-preservation mode, which is a good thing.

It's your body and minds way of saying to you, "Hey, this man is no longer making an investment into you, so we've got to level the playing field here and decrease your feelings for him in order to protect ourselves from getting hurt, or possibly permitting him to use us out of desperation for his attention."

It's a built-in warning system that's there to serve you. And you would be wise to heed that warning.

Because if you do not, what can happen next is you become willing to compromise yourself in order to receive the man's attention. You become willing to settle for less than you deserve. You become willing to do things that you might not otherwise be ready to do yet (sex). You become willing to overlook the fact that he's not calling. You become willing to overlook the fact that he's not texting. You become willing to put up with poor treatment from him. And you become willing to give him the benefit of doubt when he doesn't deserve it.

Once a woman has reached that stage of "willingness to compromise" that I just shared above -- it's the kiss of death.

Her confidence begins to suffer. Her mind starts to become obsessed and begins thinking in obsessive negative patterns. Her sense of self-worth becomes severely damaged. She begins to feel of little value to men in general. Depression sets in. Regret sets in. And then she starts beating herself up, begins feeling used, and begins to look to herself as the problem.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

When meanwhile, all along it's been the man's level of interest, maturity, and lack of desire for a relationship that's the issue -- it had, and has, nothing to do with the woman at all.

Had the woman simply heeded the warning that the man's lack of action was sending her, and heeded her own internal alarm bell warnings that her body and mind were sending her. . .she wouldn't have ended up in that damaging compromised position with the man at all in the first place.

Desperation is a VERY DANGEROUS THING.

It can cause you to permit others to use you. And in doing so, damages your sense of well-being and self-worth.

You're not desperate for this man's attention, so don't take the lead masculine role on and begin behaving in a desperate manner. That's what that behavior signals to men. It signals the woman is desperate for his attention. Because if she weren't and she was confident in herself and had a full life and other male options, she wouldn't be compromising herself like this (i.e. begin "throwing herself" at the man when he's treating her poorly).

There's a saying: "Desperate women throw themselves. Weak men accept the offer."

You don't need this mans attention. You WANT this mans attention. And I understand that. But those are two entirely different things. So don't get them mixed up. "Want" and "need" are entirely different things.

There are other male options out there for you. You deserve better than this. You don't need to compromise yourself to receive his attention. And the fuzzy happy feelings have ended because HE is not INVESTED EMOTIONALLY into this. You trying to revive that and bring it back to life is NOT going to change the way this man feels. Instead, all that's going to do is permit him to use you, and then disappear on you again after he's had his fill.

Only next time, it'll hurt TWICE as bad (because you've permitted yourself to make further emotional investment into a man that wasn't investing emotionally into you against your own better judgment - so now you're in deep, because you willingly walked right into it, in spite of the fact that alarm bells were sounding off everywhere telling you not to proceed).

Don't chase this man. You don't need to do that. There are other men out there that will value you and treat you well. You just need to find the RIGHT man (and get rid of the wrong ones from your life fast, so that there's room for the right one when he comes along).

Don't hang onto the illusion of what MIGHT be -- instead, accept the reality of WHAT IS.

This man is simply NOT the right man for you. If he were, and this was meant to be, he wouldn't be treating you like this. You deserve better. Do not settle for less. Know your value. Know your worth. And stand confidently in it. Do not compromise yourself for a few more minutes of some man's attention.

You're better than that - and you're worth it. The best investment one can make is an investment in themselves.

Don't choose him, choose YOU. Stand strong for yourself ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,

Again, thank you for giving your time and responding to me. I really needed to hear all that because I've been obsessively thinking things over and over to find answers and as you said, it has indeed taken a toll on my self esteem.

I've learned a lot in this situation and from your feedback and now I guess I just call a spade a spade.

Thank you

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror,

Have been dating this guy for a few months, it's rather casual and we haven't had the "talk". We did have one conversation when I told him I wasn't sure what I wanted. He responded very weirdly saying "just use me". I was dumbfounded. What does this mean? He is just using me? Frankly, I never "use" people as I am genuine and choose to be with someone because I enjoy their company.

He also recently just started looking at his text messages while we are on a date and answering some of them. I thought it was quite rude as he had cut off a conversation we were having where I was discussing my childhood. He also started being strange at the end of our dates before parting, bragging about how many text messages he has to read.

Honestly, it seems kind of childish to me. Why would I care? Can you make anything of this guy? I know it's rather casual but some of the stuff that comes out of his month makes me wonder if he need's psychological help.

Stacey.






Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Stacey,
"I told him I wasn't sure what I wanted. He responded very weirdly saying "just use me". I was dumbfounded. What does this mean?"

It means he's okay with you using him for sex without ever wanting a relationship with him.

"He also started being strange at the end of our dates before parting, bragging about how many text messages he has to read."

That's a game. It's the "I'm SO popular! I'm in demand! Women are chasing me down!" game. And it's meant to trigger your insecurities. So that you begin to wonder how many other women he's talking to, become insecure about it, and start chasing him down, too, giving him all of the power in the relationship.

"Honestly, it seems kind of childish to me."

It is. It's a sign of emotional immaturity.

"I know it's rather casual but some of the stuff that comes out of his month makes me wonder if he need's psychological help."

That's not a good sign. And it sounds like he may be emotionally immature. Which is why he could care less if you want a relationship with him or not - because he's too immature to handle one, and not looking for one anyway (i.e. simply out there gaming around and playing the field, keeping his options open).

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