Dating a Disappearing Man, Reached Your Limit?

Dating a disappearing man that reappears periodically without notice, and after rudely disappearing on you without explanation, is certainly an experience that many modern day females can relate to.

This can be seen in the discussion of the topic on this piece titled “Disappearing/Reappearing Man: What to Do” which is no longer able to accept any further comments on the site as it’s reached the 5,000 limit.

Yep, I’d say a lot of you have been dating a disappearing man and have reached your limit. I’d go even further and say it’s a modern day dating epidemic. So what’s a girl to do?

Well, I won’t repeat the suggestions I’ve shared on that piece because you’re free to go there and study up on it. However, I will say that after a couple of years’ worth of discussion on dating a disappearing man, and after many thousands of personal stories shared there, it has become apparent to me that the best way to deal with a disappearing man who reappears periodically to dredge things up (before disappearing again) is to focus on yourself – and try your best to forget about him.

Probably not what you were expecting to hear, I understand that. There are very detailed suggestions listed in that article referenced above if you'd like to give it a try. But after a couple of years of observation and lots of discussion with women dating a disappearing man, it has become clear to me that when these types disappear on you, even if they circle back, it generally leads nowhere. And that’s not because there’s something wrong with you – it’s because there’s most likely something wrong with them.

Men who display this pattern of behavior generally do not correct it. I’m sure you’ve heard the old saying, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” And the reality here is that we’re dealing with old dogs, ladies. Plain and simple – and they’re not learning any new tricks. They’re simply repeating the old ones over and over and over again for as long as they’re permitted to get away with it, which brings me to my next point.

People Can Only Treat You as Poorly as You LET Them

When we permit these patterns of behavior to play out in our lives over and over and over again, it should come as no surprise that the same outcome is simply repeated again as well. Yet it perplexes us. If he didn’t like me, why did he bother to come back? If he wanted nothing to do with me back then, why is he ringing my phone again now? It must mean he likes me. It must mean he’s at least slightly interested, right?

Yes, no, and maybe – for all the wrong reasons.

Is he interested in sex? Yes. Is he ready for a committed relationship? No. Has he hit a dry spell? Maybe. Either way you slice it, after a couple of years listening to stories from women out in the trenches dating a disappearing man, I can honestly tell you – I can’t think of one time, not one time, that it’s ever ended with “and they lived happily ever after.” I’ve read a ton of stories about women outgrowing their disappearing man (DM), or boring of him, or tiring of him, or meeting someone else in the 3 months it took him to make his 3rd reappearance. But no, in the 5,000 comments and stories shared, I’ve never heard a story that concluded with a “happily ever after” ending.

What I do hear is a lot of women beating themselves up, blaming themselves, wondering what’s wrong with them, questioning why he hasn’t called and asking when he will. And after a couple of years of researching this topic, I can stand here today and tell you – it’s definitely not you – it’s a modern day epidemic.

Behavior that was once considered abnormal is now slowly becoming the accepted norm. Hiding behind devices in texts and emails is making it even easier to transition society as a whole into the acceptance of this – accepting sociopathic behavior that displays no sense of remorse, guilt or empathy for the individual on the other end of the line. It’s easy to just disappear these days, because half the communication that existed in the first place existed in the virtual world, on a device screen, and not in real life. Gone are the days when you’d have to hold these discussions face to face. Nowadays, don’t like someone; don’t want to see them anymore? Hey, no problem, you’ll never have to speak to them again – just don’t answer any calls, emails or texts from them and voila’ – problem solved.

Throw in online dating and the endless buffet of easy opportunities there and what you end up with is a bunch of kids in a candy store, running around experiencing a fantastic sugar high that they never want to come down from. It builds the ego, it gives them something to brag to their buddies about, and they rarely, if ever, have to face any consequences for it. Hence, the birth of the disappearing man.

Ahh, utopia does exist after all, no?

The Mind Trip a Disappearing Man is Running on You

Many of these bad boy “players” are using a psychological tactic that they’re not even aware of (although some are VERY aware and well educated on the matter). They think they’ve got some magic sauce about them that women just can’t get enough of. But really, all they’ve done is stumbled onto a very real fact about the human psyche:

I just watched two men, both mid 30’s, on a reality television show the other night talking about women and dating - the issue at hand? One man had two great women on his hands. Sigh . . . problems, problems. Yet, he was patting himself on the back proudly about the fact that it was only two – which apparently is down from his usual norm of 8. Yea, you heard me, I said 8. And the other guy he was talking to didn’t blink an eye at that number.

So I think it’s safe to say – rotating 8 women at one time, misleading them all to think you’re “relationship ready”, talking about having babies and a future with them, and using them for sex until it’s time to move onto the next gal in your rotation – is apparently “the norm” in the lifestyle of many young modern males these days.

Should you hold your ground and level the playing field when dating a disappearing man that you sense has you locked into a rotation that he hasn’t exactly been honest about? Absolutely.

Should you hold your breath waiting for him to circle back around again? Don’t bother; it’ll be your turn again before you know it.

Should you pick up that phone or respond to that text when he does circle back around? Probably not – unless you want the first outcome to repeat itself a second time.

So What SHOULD You Do?

Forget having a “talk” with him and instead, do something constructive that will actually benefit YOU - and have that hard talk with yourself.

Ask yourself what it is that causes you to keep taking this man back. What is it that causes you to want to continue dating a disappearing man, despite already knowing that he’s not capable of making you happy or fulfilling your needs. Dig deep, because the answers don’t lie with him – they actually lie WITHIN you.

I repeat - people can only treat you as poorly as you LET them. If you do not permit people to act upon you, then you don’t get hurt, you don’t get used and you don’t let other people make you feel like crap over their shortcomings in life. You check their baggage at their door and you walk away into your future.

I’m not an overly religious individual, although I do consider myself spiritual – but when someone says something that is so very powerful it sends vibrations to your very core . . . then the message must be shared. Having said that, I’ll let Bishop T.D. Jakes take over from here:

“When people can walk away from you, let them walk. I don’t care how wonderful they are, I don’t care how attracted you are to them, I don’t care what they did for you 20 years ago, I don’t care what the situation is. When people can walk away from you, let them walk – because your destiny is not tied to the person who left.”

Can I get an AMEN, ladies!

1097 Comments:

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The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Gemini 50+ woman,
"What are the chances he will be in contact again?"

He may or may not be in touch again. Nothing is guarantee in life. However, these men who run hot and cold tend to reappear when they're running hot again. That could be in a month, three months, six months - a year.

However, given what he's already revealed about himself here to you, and how he's completely disregarded you and your feelings and bailed. . .I'd think twice before ever speaking to this man again. And I would not become financially enmeshed with him in something like a home at all.

Because what his actions here are telling you, that you should not disregard or grant the benefit of doubt for, is that:

1) When things get tough, he shuts down and bails (escapism).
2) He's disrespectful.
3) He capable of treating the feelings of those he supposedly cares about with complete disregard.
4) He's emotionally unavailable (shuts down).
5) He thinks nothing of becoming rude and ignorant.

And that's pretty much all you need to know about a man's character to make an informed decision about whether or not a lifetime spent with him would be a fulfilling one.

I realize there's a medical emergency. However, it's clear that he's able to communicate (he said he'd contact you and never did) and quite honestly, your loved one is one of the people that you'd communicate with FIRST in an event like this.

I would not make a big purchase like a home, or uproot my entire life to move into a home, with a man that has shown me just how unstable, inconsistent, ignorant and unreliable he's capable of becoming when things get a bit rough.

Because particularly when you live together -- life will throw the inevitable slings and arrows your way. There will be problems and challenges to overcome. And this man is showing you exactly how he'd handle those situations :-(; July 5, 2016 at 9:35 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Pisces Girl,
"Any ides why he didn't stop by yesterday or today?"

Because he realizes that you're not one of the "thirsty" females he spoke of, and he realized that you would not be permitting him to turn you into a convenient booty call right next door.

He never asked you on a date - he only ever wanted to stop by and hang out on your sofa late at night. Then he starts revealing what he secretly really thinks of women "he thought a lot of females are just as thirsty as men nowadays."

His actions started to line with with his views and those words. . .and he began pursuing a convenient booty call situation on your sofa. Unless this man actually asks you out and attempts to treat you special and with respect like a lady - I wouldn't ponder his absence.

Because his presence was only fleeting and not very meaningful in the first place.; July 5, 2016 at 10:20 AM
piscesgirl said...: thanks Mirror :)Im definitely not one of those thirsty females he speaks of even though i haven't been sexual with a guy for a very long time now but im ok with that. I would rather remain celibate and sleep alone than just have random hook ups with guys who end up disappearing and ignoring me and im left to deal with the aftermath because in the end that only hurts me. Neighbour had been stopping by earlier prior to Sunday night like around 5:30-6 and we would just talk and visit for a few hours but yeah he hasn't really done anything to win me over or prove himself as a man. In fact there were some stuff in my condo that he knows I needed help doing but as of yet he hasn't helped me and not that he owes it to me but I would appreciate it if he did follow through cause he said he could help me out. I had been nice to him allowing him to try the food i cooked which he loved and shared my wine. He also said he would make me dinner at his place sometime and that has yet to happen but now that I think about it I really dont wanna get into the back and forth at his place and mine. I like to get dressed up and taken out, wined and dined- that's when I feel most feminine and special and I know im worth that and a lot of men are willing to do it. I also have this strong sense when men are testing me and I know that's what he is doing. I think hes waiting to see if ill go knocking on his door but like I said I just cant bring myself to do it. Ill go back to keeping myself busy with cooking, reading, long walks, gym, spending time with family and i can pretend he doesn't even exist. Im becoming really good at just letting go of people whether they have been in my life for a 1 month or a year if they are not making me feel like I matter to them I don't need to be associating with them. I know that's true strength just learning to accept things as they are and not letting people or things get to me so much though it can be hard at time but there I no point on dwelling on things that you cant change.
Thanks Mirror <3; July 5, 2016 at 11:25 AM
Tahui said...: @Piscesgirl

Sounds like he is just looking to hook up with an attractive neighbor because it's convenient. If he was a true gentleman I agree with you that he would take the initiative to ask you out on a date and help you with the work around the apartment. He sounds super lazy. Probably thought that he could hook up with you but once you told him that's not that you want he started to step back. I also agree that he is testing to see if you'll break the boundary you set up. Yeah I wouldn't feel too happy and comfortable about having these back and forth sofa dates.; July 5, 2016 at 1:25 PM
Anonymous said...: "Because what his actions here are telling you, that you should not disregard or grant the benefit of doubt for, is that:

1) When things get tough, he shuts down and bails (escapism).
2) He's disrespectful.
3) He capable of treating the feelings of those he supposedly cares about with complete disregard.
4) He's emotionally unavailable (shuts down).
5) He thinks nothing of becoming rude and ignorant."

That sums it up rather concisely. Thanks Mirror for confirming a bit of what I was feeling between the heartache. I guess better to know this now rather than a year from now.; July 5, 2016 at 3:21 PM
piscesgirl said...: @ Tahui thank you so much for your input and I completely agree with you. I think men like what is convenient and im very very convenient to this guy. I mean he barely has to put on shoes to come over and see me its almost too easy. I even told him that. I just cant believe he thought it was ok to stop by at 11 at night on a Sunday! how rude! he was MIA on Saturday and Sunday and thought i would just let him in that late. He should of known better than that. I had work the next day and i needed my sleep. He had all of Saturday and Sunday to stop by earlier in the day to hang out but yeah i don't think im gonna even think about this anymore. Its not a good dynamic just like a work relationship is a bad idea. I think healthy relationships require distance and space and most importantly courteous men who actually court women. Funny i just noticed that courteous has the word court in it. So i will just leave this be im not gonna try to make anything happen. He will just be my neighbour from now on and if he comes a knockin again ill have to tell him that things got a little carried away on Friday and that cant happen again but i think with his personality and since he finds me sexy af as he put it he will surely try again so that's when i will need to exercise restraint on my part and not allow anything physical to take place. It can be hard but i know that's whats best.; July 5, 2016 at 5:27 PM
piscesgirl said...: Morning ladies :) my neighbor came knockin yesterday at around 9:30 pm. I laughed before opening the door because guys are pretty predictable and I knew he would be stopping by. He asked me if he could borrow my laptop because his broke and he wanted to listen to some beats hes been working on for a remake of a song that hes doing. Hes entering a contest for it so hes been working on it for a while. So I let him in and we listened to his remake and he asked me what I thought and we chatted for a bit. I was friendly but not as warm and hospitable as before and I think he could feel my distance. I was still a little upset that he was MIA all weekend and didn't stop by Saturday like he said he would but I didn't ask him what he did on the weekend. I just sat there drinking my sparkling water and wine and I didn't even offer him any this time..hes not my boyfriend and he hasn't lifted a finger for me so I don't need to do anything for him. I was just very calm and casual with him and sat on the opposite end of the couch to keep some physical distance. I realized I am attracted to him physically but im not gonna let my feelings override my logic.I also didn't make any mention of Friday when things got a little steamy between us . After a couple hours I told him I needed to sleep so he got up to leave and went in to give me a hug and I gave him a quick hug and he asked me if I felt awkward because of what happened between us and I said no I don't feel awkward we're just friends and with that he left. So now he knows where I stand. I think he realized I wasn't too 'thirsty' for him so he came to check in lol
On a side note- a guy I met a couple months ago who is a lawyer text me yesterday out of the blue. When I first met him he said he was going to take me out for dinner but I never heard from him. I had his name and number saved in my phone but when he sent me that text I just said who is this? lol I think its such a funny/insulting text that you can send a disappearing/reappearing guy LOL like they aren't even good enough to be saved in your phone. He told me we met a couple months ago at so and so place but I already knew full well who he was and he asked how ive been and I just ignored that text. Im really proud of myself! Before I would of replied and kept the convo going but yesterday I was annoyed and I just thought wtf is up with texting 2 months later? I bet he got rejected by a string of other girls or just ran out of options and that's why he decided to message me out of the blue. Ughh I hate that because even though I was excited when I met him I lost interest after time passed and I didn't hear from him. I learned from prior experiences that if a man is interested enough he will waste no time. No more of this accepting date requests after 2 months or 6 months. If it isn't within the first week of us meeting his ship has sailed. This is major progress for me. This is how I know im becoming more confident by not settling for shit like that.; July 6, 2016 at 11:25 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror. My DM that I have been ignoring for 9 months now reappeared today. His last two attempts at communicating with me were via text, which I thought was lame so I ignored. The last time he reached out to me was December and I ignored. His text today said he had not seen me in a while and that he was having a BBQ pool party and hoped I could make it. Really? I have not talked to him in over a year and I think that would be completely awkward! Should I ignore it? I will be out of town anyway, but still. The funny thing is that this past weekend I was at the fitness club pool with another guy I was seeing and the DM's son actually works there! I don't know if he saw me with this other guy, but funny how now he all of a sudden came back around after all of these months. Then yesterday the guy I was at the pool with basically told me he needed space and that he has a lot of personal stuff to work out. Funny thing is I have only seen him about 3 times and the time before was 2 weeks ago, so don't exactly think I was crowding him! Ugh! Why does this all hit at once!; July 14, 2016 at 2:51 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jul 14, 8:34 AM,
"I could do with some help on keep his interest via text."

I do not advocate pursuing a man (initiating contact, chasing, etc.). Therefore, it's really a matter of simply responding encouragingly when a man is pursuing you, to keep drawing him towards you. But you have to understand that we cannot control others. We cannot force them to like us, love us or want to be with us. THEY have to want those things as well. And if they do not, then it's best to accept that.

If this man is genuinely interested in this situation, he'll seek you out (he will contact you). When that happens, it's simply a matter of responding positively and then seeing if he decides to take it from there. But I would not contact him, pressure him, etc.; July 14, 2016 at 9:35 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi! First of all I just want to say that it really helped me reading the comments on this site for the past two weeks. My story is this: I've met this men (28 years old - I'm 23) three months ago through some family friends. I wasn't very interested in him at first, but I thought we would be great friends (he loved books, nature - and so was I), but after going out with him a few times I decided to give it a shot and on our fifth date we spent the entire weekend away, just the two of us, climbing mountains, laughing, being intimate etc.The thing is I wanted to take things slowly, so I was a bit distant towards him on our way back and I really didn't care that much if he'd never contact me after that. But he did. And he was very affectionate, sending text messages every day, going out on dates every weekend (not only for sex - sometimes we would also meet after work just to spend an hour together) for about a month, until something changed and I believe it has to do with the fact that I was falling for him and I started to show that I cared. Approximately three weeks ago he suddenly stopped texting me for 2 days so I've done the stupid thing and called him to see if everything is ok and to set another date (stupid, stupid!!!) which he accepted. Because he likes to drive and we love nature, we spent our night in the mountains again. Before meeting, I was thinking to bring up the subject of him backing of a little, but everything seemed alright, he was even more affectionate than before, so I let it go, thinking it was all in my head. On our way back home he started telling me that it is going to be difficult for us to see each other like that (spending weekends outside of the town) because things were crazy at work etc. After that, five days had passed until I heard again from him-I was going crazy on that period. He contacted me on a Friday to see how happy I am that I'm starting my summer vacation (I'm a teacher of mathematics), we talked a little and he told me he's had a very busy week and he won't have time to rest. I felt bad for him and I called him that evening to tell him something funny that had happened to me that day and he seemed not his usual self so I immediately regretted doing that phone call and decided to wait for him to initiate the next contact. But on Sunday, the friend that introduced us called me and asked if I was away with him (he never told anybody where he was going om his weekends) because his mother wasn't feeling well and they have no idea how to trace him because he isn't answering his phone, so I sent him a message. He responded after 4 hours laughing and telling me everything is fine. This happened two weeks ago and the only contact we had is the text he has sent on my birthday (initially, when things were going fine, I hinted on wanting to spend some time with him that weekend...) to which I replied after 8 hours. Today marks day 8 since that message was sent. He never tried to reach to me again, but I can see him on facebook, posting pics and being tag-ed in photos almost everyday (this rarely happened when we were dating). Before writing this I felt so low and wanted to cry so bad (I still do, but it helps me to write my thoughts). The thing that hurts me the most is the fact that he didn't respected me enough to tell me that he is no longer interested. I would have understood, it's not like we were dating for so long, even though I was starting to fall in love. And now I am left wondering. I know I deserve better, but it hurts like hell -I guess it's also the mathematician in me who can't leave a problem unresolved. I still hope he'll come back and tell me he got scared because of his feelings for me (daydreaming - I know :(), but from reading your experiences with DM I know it's never gonna happen.
So, thank you for reading and I would gladly accept every advice or opinion on the matter! (I'm also sorry for the mistakes - English it's not my first language) :-)
Nightcrawler; July 18, 2016 at 12:32 PM
Piscesgirl said...: Hey Mirror and you ladies so I just wanted to give you all an update about my neighbor. Since my last post he's continued to come by here and there. He will knock on my door and ill let him in and we will just hang out and talk and I figured it was ok because we were just friends and although we have kissed we both agreed dating wasn't the best idea. I told him I didn't wanna end up hating him and he said he didn't want me hating him either. But the thing is the more ive hung out with him the more hes grown on me and theres nobody else in the picture so I don't mind the company when he stops by. He usually comes by on Friday evenings like he did this past Friday and it was great we just talked, watched a movie and then things did get physical again.... I couldn't help myself I know I shouldn't do that with just a friend/neighbor but a part of me wants so badly to have that kind of affection from a man and feel desired that even though hes not my boyfriend its still something I desire. This past Friday he also told me he that he would really like to have sex with me he said he had to tell me that and I didn't have to but he just wanted me to know that. Things got steamy but it never did happen -he left and I slept alone. I recently found out that hes also been messaging this girl who has been friends with my younger sister for years because she found out I knew him and told me. On Thursday the day before we hung out they went for a walk and did the stairs and she told me he tried to kiss her and put his hands around her waist but she said they were never in a relationship or intimate. She said she knew he wasn't about a relationship because he never made any real efforts to get to know her. He's been like that with me too coming over sporadically and going MIA on Saturdays and Sunday and he doesn't even have my number. He did try to ask me for it once but I never did give it to him I figured if he wanted to see me he could just walk down the hall lol On Saturday morning when I regretfully invited him over for pancakes he told me he wasn't looking for a relationship so at least he was honest about that but it still did bother me because I learned from you Mirror that when a man says that he means it and no amount hanging out with him or being affectionate or baking brownies for him or making him pancakes will change that. I feel like I was lying to myself saying its cool that we were just friends because I know in my heart I want more than that so there really is no point in wasting time with a guy even as just "friends" or a little more than friends whatever that is because eventually someone will catch some feelings and someone will end up getting hurt. Today I went for a walk outside and I seen him walking beside a girl who was walking her dog she could just be his friend but ill admit that it did bother me a bit especially since he told me he would be working late on Monday because he was starting a new project at work. So everything about him is unfolding for me. I so wanted to tell him off today and tell him not to come by anymore but I wont bother doing that because if and when he does come by ill just ignore him and not answer or maybe ill open the door and tell him im going out on a date or something. I think it is important that as women we are honest with ourselves about what we want.; July 19, 2016 at 1:22 AM
Piscesgirl said...: I could go on hanging out with this guy hoping he might fall for me and decide he wants a relationship but Im just gonna believe him when he says hes not looking for anything right now and act accordingly. Add to that the fact that he is seeing and talking and most likely having sex with other girls and now im pretty well over it. It really fricken sucks I just hate getting somewhat excited about something/someone only for things to end up this way. I don't wanna keep searching and dating im tired of it, I just want someone that im compatible with and get along with and is loyal to me and makes time for me-sooo much easier said than done. I knew he wasn't the one from the get go though he was just there. I want more and deserve better. He doesn't even have a couch he moved into his place 6 months ago and had an ugly futon which he ended up giving to his brother and still hasn't got a couch he doesn't really have much to offer me overall. I did tell him I wanted someone who could add value to my life and that I wasn't lying about. So anyways I need to go to bed but just wanted to share, Ill keep you all posted if he tries to come and hang out with me again. Its gonna be a real test to not let him in anymore but I cant do it I have to protect myself and cut all ties. This guy is bad news.; July 19, 2016 at 1:22 AM
piscesgirl said...: Morning ladies I just wanted to add to my last post from last night. I know relationships are built on a solid friendship so you start out friends and work towards that but my question is how soon is it to start asking a man who is really just your friend to start out with about what he is looking for as far as a relationship goes or ask him about previous relationships -is it even appropriate to bombard a guy with these sorts of questions if you are just friends? i know a lot of guys don't like to feel like they are being interviewed and it makes them uncomfortable to talk about relationship type stuff but my issue is that i avoid asking them all these sorts of pertintent questions and then i find out later that they "aren't really looking for anything" and im disappointed. If a guy asked me on a date and we got on the topic its different but i have a really hard time bringing that kind of stuff up otherwise..any tips or sugggestions so i can find out right away where a man stands so as to not waste my time. And im not talking about a guy you are going on dates with just to be clear because naturally the relationship talk will happen quite early on im talking about guys you are just getting to know as friend to start out with..thanks <3; July 19, 2016 at 12:40 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @PiscesGirl,
"how soon is it to start asking a man who is really just your friend about what he is looking for as far as a relationship goes or ask him about previous relationships"

As a friend, it's really not appropriate to be asking probing questions like that at all, unless the man opens that topic up for conversation himself.

"is it even appropriate to bombard a guy with these sorts of questions if you are just friends?"

No.

"i avoid asking them all these sorts of questions and then i find out later that they "aren't really looking for anything" and i'm disappointed"

But you really shouldn't be disappointed -- because they're just friends anyway. They're not someone you're making emotional investments into.

"any tips or suggestions so i can find out right away where a man stands so as to not waste my time"

You shouldn't have to dig around to find that out. When a man asks you out on a date, he's letting you know where you stand immediately right then and there. . .he's letting you know that you're a romantic interest.

When a man doesn't ask you out onto a date, and instead wants to have sofa dates and hang out as "buddies" -- he's letting you know immediately where you stand. . .there is no romantic interest, only a sexual interest and/or possibly platonic interest.

"i'm talking about guys you are just getting to know as friend to start out with"

At that point, it's just a friendship and probing questions aren't appropriate during that phase. If the man asks you out on a date, then you know you're a romantic interest and you will then enter into the dating phase. Once the get-to-know-you dating phase is underway, as you've stated "a guy you are going on dates with. . .naturally the relationship talk will happen quite early on."; July 19, 2016 at 1:07 PM
PiscesGirl said...: Ok Mirror that does make sense thank you for clarifying that. My mother always said there is no such thing as friendship between a man and a woman and now I'm beginning to believe that because when there is an attraction present and the guy gives me some time and attention I start to think about him more and develop feelings. You are completely right though it isn't appropriate to ask probing relationship type questions till hes shown interest in me as a romantic prospect and asks me out on dates. I figured that with my neighbour it was ok to hang out as "friends" but i was deluding myself because i knew there was a mutual attraction and then things got physical and it going to that next level i realized that my feelings could easily get hurt because i don't just want a sexual relationship and he did already tell me he doesn't want a relationship and has shown me that through his actions or lack thereof... i just thought if we spent time together i would grow on him and he would want to spend more time with me and date me but this mindset comes from deep seeded insecurity on my part because once again its me trying to prove myself to a guy who really isn't even worth it.Its pathetic i know. This is something you mention often here that as women we don't need to keep doing things to prove our value and worth to men. I realized the more and more i do ie. baking him brownies and making him pancakes (things you should only do for your boyfriend) the more these guys sniff out the eagerness to please and take that as desperation for you wanting a relationship and that's the last thing i want to come across as even though a relationship is what i want. Also i noticed i was staying home more in the evenings instead of going to the gym just in case he comes knocking and being too available thats a big mistake too but i still think despite making some mistakes along the way i am continuously learning and growing especially when i take a step back and analyze the situation for what it really is and not just what i want it to be. Its frustrating though because you cant win with guys nowadays! I keep reading the same stories here from other females in the dating world. It seems that once we stop playing hard to get with a guy and show any kind of interest in him and are nice they take it for granted and start acting up. Its like they only want what they cant have and what's unavailable to them so in order to keep them attracted and pursuing you just cant ever be available to them or show them that you are keen on them!! its absurd!! how can a relationship grow and develop then? I know youre gonna say by making yourself scarce and not overly available to them but thats frustrating too because the way i see it tomorrow isn't guaranteed for anyone and why spend a day or evening alone week after week when you can spend it with someone that youre interested in and get to know them better on a deeper level..i guess it can only happen if the other person wants it and both are on the same page; July 19, 2016 at 6:01 PM
Fire & Water said...: @PiscesGirl,
I completely relate to your frustration with getting excited about a guy and then having it not turn out to be anything! But frustrated or not, the most important thing you have to do is protect yourself. It's hard when you're physically attracted to a guy, but your brain has this whole situation pegged. This guy doesn't want a relationship. He looking for any cute girls who will sleep with him. Your brain knows you don't want to go down that road. As much as frustration hurts, being used hurts even worse. Trust your brain on this; let it lead your heart right now. It's protecting you! Don't let your frustration and attraction make you second guess what you know. If it's tough on you to be friends with this guy because it's confusing you and making you crazy half-convincing yourself that he wants a relationship because he spends time on your sofa, just opt out of being friends. No big deal. Your self-confidence and sanity are worth way more than one wishy-washy, good-time companion. Stay strong, girl!
Sending you a solidarity-in-frustration hug,
Fire & Water; July 19, 2016 at 11:24 PM
piscesgirl said...: Thank you so much Fire and Water <3 your words are appreciated and you are absolutely right I really do need to consider if I can just be friends with him with no physical contact. He actually came knocking yesterday and I looked through my peephole first but I knew it was him and I could see he had a bowl in his hands covered in tin foil so I opened the door and he told me he cooked some food and brought me some over because ive been so nice to him. It was a sweet thing to do and I appreciated it. I wasn't overly inviting or friendly just cordial and I told him I was sitting outside on my balcony reading my book and he asked if he could join me so I said ok. I was planning to have a talk with him about how I don't just want a sexual relationship and we can only be friends with no more physical contact but honestly I just never got around to it there wasn't a right moment even though we spent the whole evening together. We just hung out and talked and it wasn't weird or awkward but I did feel kind of sad because im attracted to him and we get along well in each others company and I like being physically affectionate but I know I cant be because the last time I seen him he said we should just be friendly neighbors which confused me because the day before that he was saying he wanted to have sex with me when we were in the heat of the moment. But last night he never tried anything and if he did I knew I was gonna have to put a halt to it and let him know that just cant happen anymore. It does suck cause I do like him but I just have to believe what he tells me to be true and that is that he doesn't want a relationship and that he isn't looking for anything. I just need to put the ball back in my court and be strong and be the one who decides how things unfold. Either its a friends with benefits situation which cant happen as I need to protect myself and that would only hurt me in the end. Or we can just be friends but Im not sure if I can continue as just friends even though I enjoy his company but since I have feelings for him its only going to frustrate and disappoint me that he doesn't want to date me sigh
thanks for the support <3 <3; July 20, 2016 at 3:20 PM
Anonymous said...: So, I have an update on my guy. It seems he is hanging out with another girl, so I have my answer now. I'm starting to get over him, but i can't help wondering why has he done that. It would have been so much simpler to just tell me he found somebody else. I guess he is just to immature and insensitive. Do you think I should block him on facebook so I can move on or it would seem like I'm too emotional and affected by the fact he hasn't communicated with me (I definitely don't want to give him this satisfaction!)?

Nightcrawler; July 22, 2016 at 2:26 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Nightcrawler,
In this case, I think it would probably be best for you if you blocked him. He doesn't deserve to see what's going on in your life. And yes, at first he may receive some satisfaction from that. But there will come a point that he will have a desire to see what's going on in your life (like when the new woman leaves him), and the fact that he cannot will affect him.

And even if that doesn't become the case, at this point it's probably best for you to just cut him off so that you can attempt to heal and move forward with your own life.; July 22, 2016 at 9:14 AM
piscesgirl said...: Hey Ladies <3 Happy Friday! so my neighbor was waiting by my door when I got home yesterday because he had something to tell me regarding an issue he is having in his unit in the building that we live in. So I let him in and we talked about it and hung out. I made dinner for myself and since he was still there I fixed him a plate. Anyways he left around 10 when I told him I needed to get ready for bed and sleep and I was still washing and putting dishes away and he just stood lingering and waiting for me to give him a hug but I have been pulling back lately from him emotionally and obviously physically and trying to not show too much admiration/affection for him. Anyways he asked me what I was doing tonight and I told him I was working and wasn't sure if I would be around in the evening because he usually comes by Friday's (but completely MIA on Sat/Sun)so I think im gonna throw him for a loop and stay at my moms tonight so if and when he comes knocking I wont be around. Im not just gonna be available at his convenience. I am trying to keep things very casual/cordial between us and separate my feelings when we hang out. I feel like he's picked up on this and he does tell me that he is very observant. Yesterday he said thanks for making me dinner and I told him I made myself dinner I just shared and don't feel too special its just my culture to be generous and hospitable and im like that with all my guests. I don't want him to think im going out of my way for him it really is just who I am i cant help it my mom is like that too (hospitable/generous). Anyways this morning I made a list of reasons why hes not the right guy for me and what im looking for and I realized that he is definitely not the right guy for me and what im looking for so I just have to stay focused on that which is reality and not have my heads in the clouds.; July 22, 2016 at 11:35 AM
Anonymous said...: MOA,thank you so much! I did it and it felt so good! It's like I'm finally free.You are so right, he doesn't deserve to see me or hear from me. :)
Nightcrawler; July 22, 2016 at 12:46 PM
piscesgirl said...: Hey there Ladies so my neighbor didn't stop by Friday like he normally does unless he did earlier and I wasn't at home. I did try to stay away as long as I could yesterday and today too but he did stop by this evening and we just hung out for a bit. I had a feeling he was going out though and then he told me he was going out to a friends bday and ill admit it upset me a little cause i wanted to hang out more but i just played it off like it was cool and said have fun. I know hes not my boyfriend and we are just friends but its really frustrating because we get along well and today he mentioned that I looked really good and gave me an extra hug before he left because he said I smelled nice. I just cant understand why he wouldn't want more with me but im not gonna try to push it. The funny thing is the more i add to my list of reasons why i dont/shouldn't want to be with him the more i think about him. i think its just because there's nobody else on the radar right now so hes been occupying my mind space and im also somewhat attracted to him which doesn't help! After he told me he was going out I lied and told him I was going to my girlfriends place and was gonna spend the night there and he seemed kind of surprised. I actually did leave but I just came to my mom's house lol but when he comes back tonight from his night of partying he wont see my car there in the parkade which is directly across from his space. I don't want him to think I just stay home by myself all the time even though I dont have any close friends and that is normally what I do but i want him to think i have a life too and i know i shouldn't care because we are just friends and i know he sees and talks to other girls but i guess it just bothers me that he doesn't see something special enough in me to take it to that next level. He mentioned he wanted a family one day and i think hes about 34 that's what my sisters friend told me so i would think he would be or should be ready to somewhat settle down by now. Lately hes seemed more interested and has been asking me what i did the night before and what im doing the next day but i know until hes asked me out on a real date and shown more of a romantic interest it doesn't mean anything. I think part of the reason hes not ready for a relationship has to do with his financial stability as well because hes self employed and his work isn't always regular. I know for a lot of men that's one of the main reasons but regardless it is what it is and i will accept that. Im just scared of getting too caught up with him i dont wanna tell him to just go away either because i do enjoy the time we spend together so im just trying to talk to other guys right now as a way to think about him less. Also its kind of nice just being friends like ive never actually just been friends with a guy i was seeing and talking to regularly there was always some intimacy in the relationship as it was more of a dating relationship. I think this is a different dynamic but good in the sense that there is less pressure for both of us and i feel like i can just be myself more without worrying too much about impressing him. Maybe that is why the best relationships start out as friendships. I think men also need to connect on an emotional level first so delaying sex is a good thing in the sense that you have the chance to just connect on that emotional level. Sex is so readily available to men and i definitely learned it does take more than just sex to keep a man interested so i think its advantageous to be that girl who's giving him something more than just sex; July 24, 2016 at 2:27 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear MOA,

My bf (of almost 2 years) have lied to each other and the damage in trust has affected is so much. I am willing to work and continue the relationship, but he goes back and forth and sometimes isn't clear. The last time we spoke, he told me that we'd have to reset the trust button to the beginning, but right now, he feels stuck. Like he can't move past it. I am getting tired of feeling like I'm waiting and it is having me on edge everyday. It's like a pebble in my shoe. I thought him mentioning a reset was an improvement, because it took him almost 2 mos to say something about how we can move forward. Our communication has decreased which also means a decrease in intimacy (conversation, not necessarily sexual). I have been the one initiating calls the most, but also decreased my effort about 2 mos ago as a way to gauge how he feels and what's going on with him. When I stopped calling, I discovered he would only initiate reaching out 1-2 a week. Most recently, we didn't speak for 6 days, until I gave in and called on the 7th...that's when he mentioned resetting the trust button. I asked him how and he said we'd have to take it one day at a time. But how can we do that when we don't talk unless I call?

How do you rebuild trust?
He betrayed my trust when he told me he kissed 2 women while we were together, his excuse is that he had too much to drink. I asked him if it went past that and he said no.

I betrayed his trust bc I was doing some stalkerish crap playing detective bc of my distrust. My insecurity drove me to call him privately and check up on him via social media. I have never done this in any of my relationships. He suspected me of doing it before, but I kept denying it bc I was scared of his reaction. I love him dearly, but his lack of being clear and inconsistencies in addition to his decrease in calls have me telling myself I can't keep doing this, like this.

His indecisiveness and inconsistency are driving me nuts.
What should I ask him next time we speak?
"Am I a part of your future?"
If he hesitates, and gives me a wishy washy answer, I plan on giving him his walking papers. Oh God, I don't want to do it, but I can't keep on edge. If he says no, obviously it's time to end it. If he says yes, then what...I need TO SEE it.

What should I do? Tired of feeling like crying every other day. Some say, don't mention it and let it work itself out, others say to regain my power and be the one to choose bc it's not fair to keep me in limbo.

How long do men take to start forgiving and get over it?

We haven't spoken for almost 3.5 days. Should I just disappear for 27 more days and see what happens?; July 25, 2016 at 4:29 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello piscesgirl,
I read your recent post and I understand the frustration you are going through with this guy. I see that you are trying to just be friends with him but can you really do that? Correct me if I am wrong, but it seems that what you really want is to have a real relationship with him, not just something platonic. The thing is though, I don't think you can be friends with him as long as you have hopes of it turning into a relationship. Otherwise you may find yourself doing things to try to make it into one. I think the best thing you can do is just distance yourself away from him and not force yourself to be friendly with him at all.

"...i know he sees and talks to other girls but i guess it just bothers me that he doesn't see something special enough in me to take it to that next level. "

I don't think you should assume he is actually dating these other girls and not trying to sleep with them upfront, unless he has specifically told you about taking them on dates. And even if any of that was the case, you shouldn't let the fact that he is talking to other girls be some reflection on yourself as to why he's not dating you. You determine if you are special enough to be dated. Don't let your experience with this guy damage your self-esteem.; July 25, 2016 at 4:44 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jul 25, 4:29 PM,
"lied to each other and the damage in trust has affected. . .he said we'd have to take it one day at a time. But how can we do that when we don't talk unless I call?"

Words are not what repairs trust. ACTIONS are.

And when trust is broken, it's best to plenty of time and space for healing to take place. Time is needed to process emotions so that they're restored to a healthy place once again. If that is not done and the two reunite, they will be carrying unhealthy emotions and feelings like baggage into the relationship -- only to have it interfere once again.

I suspect this man wants to observe you and your actions from a distance for a while. And I also suspect that the constant contact is making him feel pressured to speed through processing his feelings before he truly has.

"How do you rebuild trust?"

You prove yourself trustworthy through your actions so that the other is in a position to observe that. And what they're looking for is:

1) Consistency
2) Reliability
3) Words align with actions
4) Loyalty
5) Compassion
6) Sympathy
7) Stability

Consistency, reliability and stability aid in building trust. Doing what you say, thinking of others, and showing compassion and loyalty aid in building trust.

If someone's behavior is inconsistent, erratic, unstable and the person doesn't follow through with what they say, is selfish, lacks compassion and isn't loyal -- they will be deemed untrustworthy by others because their behavior is unpredictable.

"He betrayed my trust when he told me he kissed 2 women while we were together. . .I betrayed his trust bc I was doing some stalkerish crap playing detective bc of my distrust."

When someone betrays you and your trust, the answer is not to play detective. Instead, it's necessary to separate yourself from the individual that's betrayed you. A CONSEQUENCE for the poor treatment is what is needed -- and that consequence is no more access to you. Do not reward poor treatment with more of your time, energy and attention.

"What should I ask him next time we speak?"

Nothing. I would not be speaking to someone who has shown me that they cannot be trusted. I would not be speaking to someone who has betrayed me. When someone betrays me, they receive the CONSEQUENCE for that decision. . .and they no longer have any access to me.

"What should I do? Tired of feeling like crying every other day."

Separate yourself from the thing that's causing you pain.

"How long do men take to start forgiving and get over it?"

Forgiving? For what? HE is the one who CHEATED - NOT YOU. All you did was a bit of spying after finding that out. HE should be seeking YOUR forgiveness, because HE is the one who betrayed your trust.

All he's managed to do here is to shift the blame onto YOUR REACTION (to his cheating), instead of taking responsibility for the fact that HIS ACTIONS caused the lack of trust.

He should be seeking your forgiveness.

Instead, all he's managed to do here is manipulate you. He's shifted the focus away from his actions (cheating) and onto your reaction (checking up on him). And no matter how much he tries to do that, the bottom line is that HIS ACTIONS are what broke trust here. And HIS ACTIONS are what caused you to check up on him.

This all started with him - not you.

"Should I just disappear for 27 more days and see what happens?"

If it were me, I wouldn't speak to him at all, nor would I respond to any of his contacts. A man who betrays me and cheats on me isn't getting any more of my time or attention because he's proved that he doesn't deserve it.; July 26, 2016 at 10:19 AM
piscesgirl said...: @ Anonymous thank you sweetie for your input here it is much appreciated. I was so emotional yesterday I just got home from work and broke down. All i could think about was my neighbor and how I was trying to figure out how i was going to tell him that it was best if we did't hang out anymore. Im really conflicted though because i look forward to hearing that knock on the door when he does decide to stop by and when im feeling lonely he fills that space and we get along pretty well and i know there is a mutual attraction but i feel like if i continue down this path with him i will only grow more attached to him and develop stronger feelings and in the end i will only be hurting myself because he was straight forward with me when he told me that he wasn't looking for anything but that just might mean he isn't looking for anything with me. He definitely gives me mixed signals though because he will tell me i look really good and smell good but then this past Saturday he was telling me about his sex life. He asked me if the neighbours ever complained because i was too loud having sex and i said no im a good girl and then he told me that he has been loud enough that the neighbours could hear and when he told me that it really bothered me thinking about another girl in his bed getting his loving when i haven't had that for so long and i desire a man's affection especially one that im devoting my time and energy to. Him leaving after an hour to go out also bothered me and so did him being MIA on Sunday. I don't like the sporadicness of his visits anymore and him feeling like he can stop by and leave whenever he pleases but its not like he could message me before coming by because he doesn't even have my number!hmm friends that don't even have each others numbers its strange isn't it? and we've never actually gone out and did stuff together. But in the end i know im allowing all of this and it needs to stop. I think im just gonna tell him that i like hanging out with him but im not looking for any friends at this stage in my life so id rather be spending my valuable time with someone who is looking for the same things as me . I also need to let him know that it is my nature to be attentive and affectionate towards a man, I like cooking and baking for him and being in the feminine role sometimes but id rather be doing those things for someone that im in a committed relationship with. I think he felt that i was trying to impress him by doing that kind of stuff and win him over and maybe that came across as me being desperate for a relationship or something. I have to remind myself that i shouldn't be doing wifey shit for a Fu*kboy even if it does feel like the natural thing to do...; July 26, 2016 at 12:09 PM
piscesgirl said...: I keep adding to my list of reasons why i shouldn't want to be with him and i know he is not even a prize. I feel like i have a lot to offer so im the prize and i have to continuously remind myself of that.
He did come by last night pretty late after he was off work. He would of known i was still up because i was watching tv and my lights were on. So i opened the door but i wasn't overly friendly and inviting. He asked me if he could come in (he seemed surprised that i never invited him in like i normally do) and i said ok but i was watching my show so i was going to ignore him (another thing i don't do im usually very attentive) and that's pretty much what i did. I didn't ask him too many questions about his day and his work and other things like i normally do and i wasn't overly friendly and im SURE he could pick up on that. I just offered him some of my baking like i normally do which he devoured and he just sat on the couch and watched my show with me (he tried to inch in closer but i put a pillow between us as a barrier) and when it was over i told him i had to sleep and so he left. I opened the door and just said goodnight normally. Normally im more friendly and warm and will say thanks for stopping by but last night i didn't. He just gave me a hug like he normally does and then he left. I so wanted to talk to him about what's on my mind but im so nervous to do it and i don't really know exactly what to say. Part of me wants to keep him around but im tired of the mixed signals and feeling confused. I don't know if his just wanting to be friendly neighbors like he says is because we live 10 seconds away from each other because i have my reservations about that too.Regardless of the reasons i know if a man isn't almost obsessed with you and trying everything to win you over he really just DGAF. This guy isn't committed to me or trying to make a relationship happen hence the casualness of his visits which are at his convenience. He basically gets to have his cake and eat it too and he really thinks im going to be ok with this? Like i lend a listening ear to him, im attentive when he speaks and caring and all for what! For a guy who's banging other girls in his bed while i sleep alone!! He even told me one night that he wanted to have sex with me but he hasn't been trying to kiss me or have sex with me anymore which i know shouldn't happened since we are not in a relationship but still it makes me feel undesirable or something. I think im gonna spend the night at my moms tonight i didn't tell him last night nor do i owe it to him to tell him but he wont see my car parked. I just need some space and distance because i have this negative energy towards him now and i know he felt it last night. He is very observant like he says and i was actually quite cold. I don't need someone giving my mixed signals and wasting my time. Wish me luck ladies i hope i have the courage to have this talk with him very soon. I hope he doesn't ask me questions that leave me stumped like-oh you don't like hanging out with me because the truth is i do but i need and desire more.
Thanks for the support <3; July 26, 2016 at 12:09 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA,

Thanks for responding. So even though I kept denying and lying about me doing the private calls, it is his ACTIONS that started it? I have been doing those calls before that kissing happened, but it was because his inconsistencies led me to go out of character. He is mad I kept doing it and denying and lying to him when he would ask. I feel if we don't get to the root, which imo is his inconsistencies about him and what he does, leading to my distrust in not only women,but if he is reliable as a partner period..that it will keep resurfacing. He told me that in a past relationship, his ex betrayed him by treating him as an outsider when he was there for her during a rough patch in her life. They broke up but got back together only for her to do it again. I'm not going to call privately again, but he is not doing much to make me feel secure. He doesn't know that I wonder and worry if he's getting women's numbers and doing things with them...and is not being proactive in making me feel secure. I have been here before and I hate reliving these feelings.; July 26, 2016 at 1:10 PM
piscesgirl said...: Just to add to my last post. I feel like im placing such high expectations on my neighbor because ive had shitty experiences with guys for the last couple years where there will be a few dates and then they will just disappear or no dates at all just a complete drought season. But neighbor has been pretty consistent with coming by for the last couple of months and hes the closest thing to a boyfriend ive felt like ive had for a long time and I think he doesn't mind getting to have the perks of a girlfriend without actually having to act like a boyfriend. That's a pretty good situation for him! I really don't wanna push him away or be a bitch but I feel like this cant continue because I am not getting what I want out of this and its only causing me frustration the the more we hang out because I feel like im suppressing my true feelings. And like I mentioned before we have kissed before (he initiated it) and he told me straight up he wanted to have sex with me (never happened) but I think he sensed I wanted a relationship so he just backed off because he knew it couldn't just be a casual sexual relationship. I never explicitly stated that to him a relationship is what I wanted so that's why I need to speak to him and make it clear as day what it is that I am looking for. Either he will say ok I understand and stop coming by or he will realize he wants me in his life and come back around but regardless I need to do what's best for me..i guess ill have to go home tonight since my mom is going out of town so I cant stay there..will keep you all posted if he does happen to stop by again. I have to be in the right frame of mind to discuss the things that I need to discuss with him. I want it to happen soon but I don't want it to come across as rehearsed I want to express myself in a way that flows naturally and not blab on and on like I sometimes do he's a guy so i just wanna get straight to the point. If any of you have tips of how I can go about the conversation or start it I would appreciate it! I want him to walk away respecting me for being upfront and honest and showing him im a woman who always does whats best for me regardless of the outcome but I also want to stay on good terms as we live in the same building. I anticipate him asking me questions like do you have feelings for me? does this mean you don't wanna see me at all anymore?? I have to be prepared so I don't appear to be wishy washy.; July 26, 2016 at 1:58 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jul 26, 1:10 PM,
"So even though I kept denying and lying about me doing the private calls, it is his ACTIONS that started it? He betrayed my trust when he told me he kissed 2 women while we were together. . .I betrayed his trust bc I was doing some stalkerish crap playing detective bc of my distrust."

Apparently I misunderstood. But sometimes these things work in strange ways. Meaning, one minute a woman (or man) can be feeling fine and behaving normally. . .and the next minute someone they trust starts to behave differently. This change in this other persons behavior suddenly "triggers" the first individual to become insecure.

And their reaction to the other persons changed behavior -- ends up being a change in their own behavior.

Sometimes people "trigger" our insecurities. We all have insecurities - it's part of the human condition and none of us are immune to that. But most times we're able to successfully manage them, they don't manifest in our behavior and we're able to keep them under control. But there are also times when the actions of another can "trigger" these insecurities to suddenly come to life. And when they do, they feel VERY real - so real that we suddenly begin to take action on them (verbalizing them, projecting them onto others, participating in unhealthy behavior that is otherwise abnormal, etc.).

However, if you're deeply insecure - whether someone gives you a reason to be or triggers you in some way or not - and you cannot successfully manage your insecurities and you find yourself taking action on them all the time. . .whether there's a reason to or not - then you're ALWAYS going to self-sabotage relationships dear. That is incredibly unhealthy behavior and it will always drive people away from you and hinder you from forming healthy relationships :-(

"his inconsistencies about him and what he does, leading to my distrust. . .if he is reliable as a partner period. . .that it will keep resurfacing"

It will. If someone you're dating, man or woman, is constantly being vague and evasive, acting paranoid and hypersensitive about their privacy, disappearing off and on and is unreliable. . .it's going to be difficult for ANYONE to trust them.

When you're always acting like you have something to hide, most times it's because you are actually hiding something. Otherwise, you would not be exhibiting that type of behavior if you were being honest.

"He doesn't know that I wonder and worry if he's getting women's numbers and doing things with them...and is not being proactive in making me feel secure. I have been here before and I hate reliving these feelings."

That's a situation that just about every woman on the planet can relate to. We've all been there. And when you're dating someone that isn't willing to do the WORK that it takes to have and maintain a healthy relationship -- there's no reason to stay in that relationship any longer. Relationships require work. They require us to make sacrifices for another, to place anothers needs above our own at times, they require is to think of another when making decisions, and to provide emotional support, compassion and kindness to another on a regular basis. They require us to show appreciation to another consistently, and to listen to another, to not be selfish, and to attempt to fulfill the emotional needs of another.

The list goes on and on. But my point is - THAT'S A LOT OF WORK.

Cont. . .; July 26, 2016 at 4:44 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: And if someone is not willing to do the work that a healthy relationship requires to sustain itself. . .then they have no business being in a relationship. If they don't want to do the work, then they should remain single until they're ready to make that type of investment into another.

Which brings me to a question for you. If you hate these feelings, if he does none of the work to make you feel secure and if the only feelings he causes you are that of anxiety, worry and emotional anguish -- then why are you attempting to draw him back into your life? Why do you want him in your life?

Do not fool yourself into thinking that a wish will come true and the man you WISH for him to be, is the man that you're inviting back into your life. He is who he is. And if he is unwiling to do the work to maintain this relationship, then you have only two choices:

1) You either accept what little he's willing to give.

OR

2) You decide that this man is not capable, or willing, to do the work required to maintain the relationship - and you leave him in your past and move forward without him.

There is no third option. Wishing for all of the great things you'd like to see in him and watching them come true is not an option. He is who he is. And he's not going to change unless HE wants to. So don't fool yourself into thinking that if he comes back, he'll be a changed man and things will be different.

That won't happen unless he wants to make those changes himself. And no amount of wishing can change that unfortunately. So you either have to accept him for who he is, or decide that he's not a man that can make you happy and move on from him.; July 26, 2016 at 4:44 PM
Fire & Water said...: @PiscesGirl,
Virtual hug!!! Please don't keep thinking that he's not moving forward with you physically because you're unattractive. He's flat out told you that you *are* attractive to him and that you look and smell good. My guess is that he stopped pursuing you physically because you told him that you two are just friends. He's respecting what you've said. All your confusion is coming from the difference between your desires and the expectations they cause and what he's willing to give. He's willing to be your friend. He's even willing to sleep with you...he just doesn't want a relationship. But you do want a relationship. I think you're bouncing back and forth between being attracted to him/enjoying his company/being happy that he's a "possible" and cataloguing all the reasons why he's not a good possible/being unhappy that he doesn't measure up. You're going to make yourself crazy, honey! Have you thought about going NC on him for the 30 days MOA suggests - just for your own benefit, to allow yourself the time to breathe, re-focus and get your emotions organized a bit? You might find the situation is easier for you to handle afterwards. My take is that he likes you (and your tasty baked goods ;) ), respects you and is respecting your wishes. You don't need to talk to him; you've already told him what he needs to know: "just friends". And he backed off the physical stuff. So right now, it doesn't seem like he thinks you're one of those girls he can use for sex. That's a good thing! You've done a good job. Don't - as MOA says - let your emotions start steering the wheel. Take time and get yourself settled a little, instead of focusing on him so much. Stay strong and positive and don't expect anything from him. Focus on other areas of your life. Maybe, some time he'll decide he wants a relationship and you'll be his first call. And maybe you'll decide to give him a chance...or maybe you'll have met the right guy for you in the meantime ;). And especially, please don't stress so much over this...a guy who doesn't want a relationship is so not worth that much of your time and energy. Take care of you, girl! Best wishes, F & W; July 27, 2016 at 12:40 AM
Anonymous said...: @Piscesgirl: Oh Honey, I've been where you are. If I didn't know any better, I'd think I wrote your posts. Like you, I have a neighbor that I was crushing on and had hoped a real relationship could develop. But turns out that my IDEAL of him and the Reality of him were two completely different things. The following is just my opinion: I think you need to go full on No Contact with this guy. Don't tell him that you won't be in contact with him--just DO IT!! At this point, there's really nothing to discuss. Not for nothing, but your neighbor sounds like a Jerk. He's very disrespectful (telling you about his sex life, Seriously???!!!) and takes you for granted (knocking on your door whenever it's convenient for him) and he brings out and plays on your insecurities. My neighbor was doing the same things (he wasn't telling me about his sex life, but he was disrespectful in other ways). I fear that if you continue Idealizing him, your self-esteem and spirit will be crushed and you will be no good for the Real Gentleman that's out there for you. Cut this lame guy off now. He's just taking you for granted. I hate to say this, but you are way too nice to him. And, unfortunately, there are some people that you just can't be nice to. Like I said, been there and done that. It's a sad situation to be in. So take yourself out of it. Go complete no contact and don't look back.; July 27, 2016 at 9:02 AM
piscesgirl said...: Hi Anonymous and Fire &Water thank you ladies sooo very much for your support and advice on how to handle this situation with my neighbor.
I think no contact is definitely the way to go with this guy and he is definitely lame and I deserve better. It was so disrespectful of him to tell me about his sex life I was thinking the same thing like really!?!?here I am being so nice to this guy, listening to him, being attentive and supportive and serving him my delicious food and baking and he's fucking other girls right down the hall and telling me about it and how his neighbors could even hear! i am his neighbor too!! funny thing is he told me he was originally gonna move in right next door to me so that would of been me hearing him having sex ughh gross. Then after he left on Saturday night to go out to probably go get more girl's numbers that was the last straw for me! The only value he added to my life was keeping me company at times but that was at his convenience. At the end of the day if hes not coming around anymore im not losing anything because he was never mine to begin with. @ Fire &Water I just wanted to mention that yes in the beginning I did tell him we should just be friends because i had reservations about the whole situation and him being my neighbor but after but then I started showing him more interest/affection and when I invited him over for pancakes one morning and tried to give him a kiss hes the one who told me he thinks we should just be friendly neighbors. Another sign that men don't like when women pursue or try to take the lead because that's when he took a step back and stopped trying to do anything physical with me. Anyways Im happy to report that I did have a chance to talk to him last night. I was laying in bed being an insomniac like I am every night and he came knocking it was late I opened the door slightly and told him I was already in bed and he said sorry to bother you I just want you to hear this. Hes been having issues in his unit with sound coming through from the AC in the building and it really bothers him and makes it hard for him to fall asleep. I even called the city on his behalf to see if they could do something about it because the condo people aren't doing anything about it and its causing him a lot of frustration. Ive heard it before but he said it seemed louder last night and he wanted me to go check it out to see what hes talking about and know hes not the only person who could hear it. I made a joke and said oh you just want to get me in your bed again because he hears it from his bedroom at night the most when hes laying down in bed. Since I couldn't sleep anyways I agreed to go check it out. So I went to his place and into his bedroom and he told me just lay down so I could hear it the same way he does and I said its ok I don't need to lay down I can hear it sitting up he said don't worry its not like im gonna try anything but i still didn't lay down. Anyways we talked about that sound he hears and what he was planning to do about it for a bit then I told him I was tired and needed to go back to my bed.; July 27, 2016 at 12:14 PM
piscesgirl said...: Before I left he went in to give me a hug and that's when I told him I needed to talk to him about something. He asked me what and I told him it was about us hanging out and how I didn't think it was a good idea anymore as feelings could develop and an attachment could grow and I didn't want that with someone who didn't want the same things in life as me. Then he said well how do you know what I want and I said because you told me and he said yes but hes still trying to figure things out for himself and hes open to possibilities but he said he doesn't want that to be an my expense either. He asked me if it was awkward for me hanging out with him i assume that's because things got physical between us at one point and i said no not awkward but i didn't wanna waste my time just hanging out. I told him at this stage in my life Im not looking for a friend or just to kick it with someone and even though I like hanging out with him and don't mind his company its just for that moment in time and I have to think about the long term. I also told him i know it will never work out between us based on things he told me (mainly banging other girls but i never said that). He said he understood and could sense that I wanted more whenever we said goodbye and he left.He said this was happening soon and that he hopes i didn't forget about him. I told him i couldn't forget about him since he is my neighbor and we can still be friends just not hang out and this is better to happen sooner than later before feelings develop and i end up getting hurt. I went back to my place to get this tea ball i got for him because i knew he needed one to make this loose leaf tea he has and he seemed kind of sad when i went back. I asked him why he liked hanging out with me if it was out of boredom or convenience and he said he just likes to learn about people and feel them out and he thought i was interesting and obviously he is attracted to me. He gave me some of his loose tea to try and with that i left. I think hes definitely open to the idea of a dating relationship but im not gonna wait around to try and find out. Add to that the fact that hes still going to clubs and banging girls. Im just over it. Im sad at the same time because i was looking forward to his visits but i don't need anybody wasting my valuable time especially a guy who hasn't really done anything to show me hes worth it. Hes nice and makes me laugh and hes tall, confident and good looking but that's not enough for long term potential. Anyways im glad i talked to him. I was really nervous but i want him to see that im a no nonsense kind of woman who respects myself and isn't stupid enough to allow a guy who hasn't committed to me to waste my time. We will see how things happen going forward. I have a feeling he will still come knocking but i cant allow him in my home or in my heart. I don't want to settle just because i feel lonely. Anyways thanks again ladies for your continued support ill keep you all posted <3; July 27, 2016 at 12:14 PM
piscesgirl said...: One more thing I wanted to mention when I talked to him I told him that it is my nature to be affectionate and giving to a man and he said he could see that but I told him Id rather be that way for someone that I have something real with. I don't regret being kind and giving to my neighbor I think the best way to make a person miss you is to give to them wholeheartedly and then take that all away just like that so they can realize what life is like without you. I know I'm a woman of quality and I hope he realized that too.; July 27, 2016 at 12:24 PM
piscesgirl said...: I just had to share this because I love how life works. When we close one door its not long before another one opens. One thing I realized is that there are so many men out there so there is no need to dwell on one for too long because another one will always come along. A guy I went on a date with last week asked me out again this Friday. Although Im not overly attracted to him hes not very tall :( he is a gentleman and he is successful and he said he would love to take me out again anywhere I wanna go so I agreed. Normally I would decline to do anything on Friday as my neighbor would usually stop by and hang out with me but since I talked to him last night that's not gonna happen anymore. Im not gonna sit around at home and wait for him just to sit around at home all night! Nothing wrong with movie nights but I also like to get dressed up and do my hair and makeup sometimes and go out and enjoy good food and wine and being with a gentleman. That is when I feel most feminine and beautiful. Not just when a man tells men I look good. Just wanted to give that quick update. Im hoping my neighbor sees me in the hall looking like im going on a hot date lol hes never seen me dressed up wearing heels its always been work clothes and workout clothes. I want him to see that I have other options and real men who want to take me out!; July 27, 2016 at 1:26 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Piscesgirl.(Anonymous July 27, 2016 at 9:02am here). GOOD FOR YOU!! Go out on your date and have fun. Don't even think about "Lame Neighbor". If he does see you in the hall looking great and ask where you are going, just say "out" and keep it moving.; July 27, 2016 at 4:42 PM
piscesgirl said...: Thank you Miss Anonymous @ 4:42pm <3. I will definitely do that. Sometimes these lames that take us for granted and don't realize what they have till its gone. Or they only want you when they cant have you. I am getting more and more pissed off when I think about him telling me about his sex life. Like was that supposed to impress me???If he was even somewhat interested in me which seemed to be case when I talked to him last night- why would he mention that why would he want me to picture him in bed with other girls! He obviously doesn't respect me enough. Ughh guys are idiots really. If he ever wants to have a real heart to heart im gonna mention that and how I found that to be really disrespectful but its best if he just stay away so I can try and move on and forget about him.; July 27, 2016 at 5:15 PM
Anonymous said...: Hey piscesgirl,
Great update! Enjoy your date with the gentleman! And you are right, another man will always come along. Your neighbor can figure out what he wants by himself. And in my opinion, what he did that night (having you come over to his bedroom and suggest you lay down on his bed to hear the noise) was probably his way to see if he could get to the "finish line". At least that's what I think. I wouldn't put it past him to use the whole checking out the noise thing as a ploy to try to sleep with you even though he's went along with just being friends, something that you say that he suggested himself. I definitely agree that you should forget about him.

Anyway, good luck with the gentleman!

Anonymous (from July 25, 2016 at 4:44 PM); July 27, 2016 at 10:07 PM
Fire & Water said...: @PiscesGirl,
Great job! I'm glad you cut Neighbor loose...and that good things are happening for you! Hugs!!
F & W; July 28, 2016 at 12:20 AM
piscesgirl said...: @ Anonymous thank you this is not the first time hes asked me to lay down in his bed to to hear the noise. I also thought it might be a little ploy to make some moves on me but he didn't try. I also know that he asks other people to do that like the condo people but anyways thank you both! Ill admit yesterday evening I was at home and wondered if he might come knocking to talk but he didn't. It is best if he stays away and I just have to keep reminding myself I deserve better.; July 28, 2016 at 11:06 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Piscesgirl (Anonymous @ 4:42pm here) Why do they do it?? to bring out and play on our insecurities--which I think is a very cruel thing to do. My neighbor would tell me that he just knew he was a catch and that a lot of women made passes at him and didn't know when to stop. I was like yeah, Whatevs. If he were REALLY a catch--he would have been caught. Anyway, Enjoy your date. And I hope your lame neighbor does see you and see that you are getting along fine without him. guys HATE THAT--they want you to be all crushed and devastated--Don't give him the satisfaction.; July 28, 2016 at 11:29 AM
piscesgirl said...: ahhh looks like i accidently deleted my last post !!:(
@ anonymous hahahah so true if he were a prize he would of been caught! yup its always the lamos who are a lot of talk and have nothing to show for it! and they play up on our insecurities and make us feel like they are the prize but deep down they know they are inadequate and that's why they do it. My neighbor would tell me how he couldn't help how he looks and that women were thirsty for him LOL! like poor you that you are good looking and women wanna get with you haha and he even told me about girls that i know that tried so hard to get with him but he wouldn't go for some of them as he is "very picky" and doesn't like the ones who have gotten around but that's funny since he looks like the biggest sleaze. I hate that im even attracted to him. Sometimes i wish he never even talked to me. That night i told him we shouldn't hang out anymore he told me that when he first seen me he felt really compelled to talk to me. I just have to remember how he makes me feel after he leaves -alone and lonely and then angry and hurt when i don't hear from him at all the next day and he has to walk by my door everyday to come and go so there is no excyse. Hes like 34 so if he wanted to be in a committed relationship by now he would be. He told me he just wanted to be friendly neighbors and isn't really looking for anything and i heard him loud and clear. Men usually tell us the truth in the beginning and its up to us to listen. We could manipulate them and pressure them into being with us but how long will that last really because a man who doesn't want to stay put wont stay put. He will step out and cheat and we will be left dealing with the aftermath but had we listened from the get go we could of avoided all the hurt and pain. I know im still going to think about him but i just need to stand my ground here and be strong especially if he ever comes knocking. I want him to take me seriously and know that i meant what i said and im a woman who stands behind my words and im not emotionally weak or easily manipulated. Wish me luck ladies and thank you for the words of advice i will never let him see me fret over him. He really isn't even worth it!

Just wanted to mention one other thing. I did delve into his past a bit because i feel like his upbringing and his parents relationship could be very telling about the man that he has become. He told me that his parents are still together but his mom was basically very docile and put up with a lot. He told me his dad was a bar star and was going out all the time for as long as he could remember. I think in most cases the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. So just a tip -ask them questions about their childhood and their parents relationship and how they felt about it all. Its a good way to find out more about them and there take on relationships and what not.; July 28, 2016 at 2:16 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Piscesgirl ((Anonymous @ 4:42pm here again). Mine is also arrogant. He had the nerve to think I'd be so crushed and devastated by what he was telling me that I would not show up at an event that we were both supposed to attend. I admit that at first, I wasn't going to go. But after giving it thought, I decided I would go (and hold my head up high). When he saw me walk in, I'll bet he must have wet his pants. Hee Hee. These types are real manipulators, game players and time wasters.; July 28, 2016 at 4:22 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Piscesgirl, I have read your story with much interest because I'm in a similar situation except this has been going on for more than 8 years!!! He reeled me in , hook - line and sinker and it has been awful. More than awful. For years he has done the disappearing/ reappearing thing, always only coming to my house whenever HE wanted to.. Not even knocking on my door but simply barging in (doors are mostly open because of my kids). He has hurt me so much.

You wrote: "I just have to remember how he makes me feel after he leaves -alone and lonely and then angry and hurt when i don't hear from him at all the next day". Exactly! Keep that in mind ALWAYS! I'm so proud of you for telling him all that and don't let him reel you back in.

I'll be MOVING by the end of the year!!! Soooo glad about that!!!!

I wish you all the best!!!; July 29, 2016 at 8:11 AM
piscesgirl said...: Morning ladies! thank you so much for your replies!!! I really do appreciate your kindness and support and its comforting knowing that im not the only one who has or is going through this and there isn't anything wrong with me but rather these types of men who reel us in. Anonymous @ 4:22 pm wrote that they are the "real manipulators, game players and time wasters" and you are right that is exactly what they are!! My neighbor would come and stay for hours when he was probably just bored and had nothing else to do!! and during that time he tried to manipulate me into thinking he was some kind of prize lol this guy doesn't even have a sofa in his place lol which means when girls visit him they go "chill" on his bed. These lames get their thrills and sense of worth from hooking up with different females and trying to get them to fall for them but they cant/wont commit to any of them. They only do what is best for them regardless of who they are hurting in the process. Many of these types of men are selfish,narcissistic sociopaths who see no harm in what they are doing. The only person that matters is themself. Im really proud of you that you went to that event i bet it drove him crazy seeing other men eyeing you! lol
@ anonymous 8:11 am its great that you will be moving and hopefully he doesn't find out where you live and continue to pop by whenever he feels like it. It is so rude and disrespectful of our time that they think they can come and go whenever it is convenient for them.; July 29, 2016 at 11:38 AM
piscesgirl said...: We need to break free from the hold that they have over us. We can not be at their mercy and will sitting around at home wondering if and when they decide to come by. No- a real man makes plans with us. He also doesn't pull disappearing acts for days or weeks at a time. He keeps in touch regularly because he cares about our welfare and wellbeing.
Lately ive been repeating something in my mind that this one girl posted as her facebook status a long time which was quite brazen if you ask me but i loved it! she wrote "if you are not feeding me, fu&k%ng me or financing me you have NO say" hahah! i love it!! that chick didn't give a fu%k, her mindset was that if someone wasn't doing shit for her in her life they had no power or control over her and that is exactly the mindset we all need to adopt. Men who don't do shit for us are the biggest LOSERS!!! because a REAL man wants to protect and provide for the woman that he cares for. I know as women we are conditioned to do without expecting anything in return but F that! it will only leave us feeling used and depleted! We must learn to be selfish with men who are selfish and don't respect us or our time. Ive been home this past week in the evening and neighbor didn't stop by. So at least he has understood and respected my wishes and although i still wondered if he would come knocking im glad he hasn't and honestly i don't feel any kind of loss. Sure i might feel a little lonely or bored at times but i realize that has nothing to do with him. I just need to find ways to keep busy and fill my time doing productive things that will better me and my life. He hasn't done shit for me and if a relationship in my life isn't on my terms i will cut it off just like that-no F's given! i see now why men chase after bitches its because bitches don't care about the outcome they don't care if he stays or goes. They know that another man is right around the corner. A man knows he cant drive a woman like that crazy or make her upset and crying or beg for his time and attention because before he knows it shes already moved on. And even if there isn't anybody else in your life you can still move on by keeping that door shut and whenever he crosses your mind only allow yourself a few minutes to think about him and then get busy with something else. We all have other things in this life to keep busy with whether its kids, friends, family, hobbies, ourselves. Id rather focus my time attention and energy on the people and things that matter. I realized its very pathetic to reminisce/miss something that was never real to begin with.; July 29, 2016 at 11:38 AM
Gem50 said...: @ Piscesgirl,
I've been reading/thinking about your posts re: neighbor. Your thoughts written in strength are focused and clear. When I read your thoughts of questioning, hesitation, putting neighbor before you (i.e., trying to understand his behavior based on his childhood and parents' behavior), I understand.

Sweety, changing our behavior takes practice. We can "decide" until we are blue in the face that we are going to change something about ourselves or what we do, but until we practice the actions, get comfortable with the actions; until the actions become who we are, it can be a struggle -- and that's a struggle worth having. To reach change, we practice. Not just in thinking, but also in doing (or not doing). Continue to practice the steps you know you should and need in order to take care of yourself first.

For all of us wonderful women here, we aren't going to change a lifetime of action/behavior engrained within us without chiseling anew. Practice, practice, practice...

Hugs for all :); July 30, 2016 at 12:17 PM
piscesgirl said...: @Gem50 thank you for your reply.. it is indeed a struggle to change our thoughts and behaviours but we must be willing to work on ourselves and building our confidence every single day in order to have better otherwise we will keep going in circles with the same types of men. I read something that said you don't attract what you want you attract what you are. Seems like a true statement.
I wanted to provide an update to you ladies.. I went on my date on Friday and we just went for a nice dinner and then a hookah bar and then we went for a little drive. He was a total gentleman and he spent a lot of money of me and bought me an expensive gift! it was really nice but I do have to admit I was thinking about my neighbor throughout the night. So Saturday comes and I was putting groceries away and I heard a knock on my door...and can you guess who it was!??! LOL yes it was my neighbor...I opened the door and we chatted for a bit- he was coming home from work and said he wanted to say hi. I was nice/cordial but i didn't invite him in until i remembered my washer needed to be fixed. i asked him to look at it because I couldn't figure out how to fix it so he did and we continued to chat. Ahhh! that impressed me LOL I do love a handy man who can fix things!! He did mention something about how I told him that I didn't wanna hang out with him anymore and I told him I wasn't trying to be rude but...then he stopped me midsentence and said hey I get it its ok.. anyways he didn't stay too long because he had to get ready to go to his other job. I told him I was going to call the city for an update about his AC situation because he still complains about the sound from it and he said he really appreciated me doing that. We gave each other a little hug and he left. He didn't come knocking later like he sometimes does when he gets off from his other job.; August 1, 2016 at 4:57 PM
piscesgirl said...: The next morning (Sunday) I was throwing out my garbage in the garbage chute which is right near his place and as I walking back to my place he opened his door. He told me he was heading to work and I felt really self conscious because it was early in the morning and I looked like a mess!! so I could barely look at him anyways we chatted for a bit and he asked me if I was still going to do a remix for a song -that's his hobby and something he likes to do and he has all the equipment in his place and has offered to help me make my own remix. I told him I wasn't sure about that. Then he asked what I was doing later and I told him I might be doing something in the evening and it was still up in the air (actually had no plans lol). I didn't end up doing anything and he didn't come knocking last night either but I was at home and I wondered if he would.
Ill admit im struggling here! i feel this immense push and pull. My body/emotions are pushing me in one direction (towards him) and my mind and logical/realist thinking is pulling me in the opposite direction (away from him). I am really physically attracted to this man and I haven't been intimate with a man for so long so ive been feeling really ummm.... well you all know! and though I know hes not the right man for me and he could really hurt me im worried that everything ive said to him and trying to create this distance and space might all fly out the window one of these days if he continues to stop by and then ill end up regretting it and being mad at myself that I allowed it to happen. Im not sugar coating anything here these are my real thoughts and feelings im only human- im not perfect. I try to keep myself busy, I try to talk to other men and go on dates but this neighbor being kind of standoffish towards me it makes me want him more for some reason! its that take it or leave it attitude that I hate but secretly makes me yearn for him more because hes shown a lot of self control when we have hung out together which makes me question if hes even really that attracted to me though he has told me that he is (as Mirror mentions uncertainty creates attraction). And its not like hes stalking me knocking on my door every day. He is sporadic and unpredictable at times. I just need to stay strong here but Ill admit that im scared. Right now hes been on my mind quite a bit and though I have thought about being intimate with him I was thinking about how i would feel if that did happen and then one day I seen him leaving his place with another girl and i know that would really upset me. Last night I even wanted to go down to the parkade to see if his car was there but I didn't I stopped myself. It wasn't the first time I wanted to check either. How crazy is that!! I shouldn't even care about where he is or what he is doing..but I do wonder..and I wish I could get into his mind and know what he is thinking about me and this whole situation. Its crazy I know.; August 1, 2016 at 4:57 PM
piscesgirl said...: Just to add to my last post... I realized that all this anxiety im having about letting all control go in the moment is not because I don't trust my neighbor because he's already exhibited really good self control its because I don't trust myself and that is where the problem lies so really what I need to do is learn to trust myself and be prepared for any situation that might arise where I will need to practise good self control and be led with my mind not my heart or my body. Just wanted to add that because in all fairness to my neighbor though he may be lusting for me he hasn't tried to cross the friendship line since the last time things got steamy between us and then he said we should just be friendly neighbors. Its more so me who has been having these thoughts about him and us together..; August 1, 2016 at 8:31 PM
Fire & Water said...: @PiscesGirl,
Gem50 was - as she generally is - spot on....this is a great opportunity for you to practice. Trust your logic! I know it's so hard, when your emotions and desires are pulling you elsewhere, but your logic knows where this is heading: "and then ill end up regretting it and being mad at myself that I allowed it to happen." Try this - every time you start thinking about being intimate with him, bring up the picture in your mind of him leaving his apartment with that other girl. Remember what he's out there doing and with whom...maybe that can help you get control over the feelings that are making it tougher on you right now. I've used the technique in the past - remembering something really hurtful, or unattractive (not necessarily physically unattractive, but disrespectful or uncaring) about a guy and found it helpful to snap me out of that feeling of "wanting". And don't let him being standoffish get in your head - his attitude doesn't matter; his actions matter. Is he taking you on dates? Is he planning outings, taking the lead, courting you, doing the things that lead to a relationship?
Lastly, since it's the uncertainty creating more attraction for you, remember that you can choose to end the uncertainty. You have the power. All you have to do is translate his actions this way: uncertainty = no. If a man is making you uncertain, it means no. If it were yes, he wouldn't leave you feeling uncertain. You'd know. A good man would make sure you had no doubts about where you stood. Hang in there, girl; you can do this! I know its hard - I've been there...I think we've all been there :)...but you can! Sending you happy energy and strength, F & W; August 2, 2016 at 12:03 AM
gadawg said...: Ms. Mirror, I wrote to you several months ago about my boyfriend of then nine months who wasn't sure if he loved me. We took about a two week break and he came back and told me he loved me. Things were better than ever after that.

Approximately two weeks ago we got into, what I thought, was a small argument. The next day he came over to my house and broke up with me. I was devastated and completely blindsided. Literally 24 hours before we were Looking for a place in the mountains to spend the night together (his suggestion). We were also supposed to go on a trip together this week and we were discussing that, too. Anyway, we've had a recurring argument (4 times in a year and a half) and the argument a few weeks ago was about the same thing. He said he was tired of arguing about the same thing all the time and that if it had just been once he could deal with it, but he just couldn't do it anymore. I just couldn't accept that he would throw away a year and a half relationship over an argument we've had four times! I begged him not to break up with me (big mistake, I know) and we agreed to take a break. We have not spoken to each other outside of work for 16 days. I am absolutely devastated. How can a man I talked to 2-3 times a day (he always called me). Go cold turkey for 16 days. I am so hurt. It feels like he never cared at all. I don't understand how he could ice me out like this. I know we agreed to the break, but I didn't realize it would be this long. Last time was 12 days and I nearly went insane (what could possibly take so long). I have made no attempts to reach out to him, but I am getting so tempted. I just want to know what is going on. I've really been trying to work on myself during this NC period (gym everyday, signed up for tennis lessons, signed up for small group at church), but I seriously cannot stop thinking about us. It's driving me crazy. My head just goes in circles all day. Please help me. By the way, there is no one else. He is not cheating or interested in another woman.; August 2, 2016 at 7:17 AM
Anonymous said...: @Piscesgirl (Anonymous @ 4:42pm here again) I co-sign what Fire & Water said. When I find myself slipping, I just think about the disrespectful things he did and then I get back on track. I also think about how he treats his mom. And that IS key. If he treats his mom bad, then look out--he will not treat you any better. Heck, this guy once said he was going to take me out using a gift card that I got him. *THUMP* Boy, Bye!!; August 2, 2016 at 8:08 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Piscesgirl (Anonymous @ 4:42pm yet again. LOL) Wow!! Your neighbor really does sound like mine. He is a real manipulator. They can be very charming and they always know how to tell you what you want/need to hear. They say all the right things, but their actions don't line up with the words. Be very very careful. These are the kinds of guys that get you in trouble.; August 2, 2016 at 8:31 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: gadawg,
Sounds as if he's unclear about his feelings and needs space and time to process them so he can get a better grasp on how he truly feels. If I were you, I would give him the time and space he needs. I would not contact him because if you do, you risk pushing him away. He may feel pressured if that happens and distance himself further in order to get the time and space he needs.

If he truly cares for you, he'll be back. And if he doesn't, then it's best he's gone dear. Either way, you'll be fine because you're a confident, independent woman that does not need a man to provide her happiness for her. That's the attitude and mindset you need dear. A man should not be your happiness and a relationship is not the end-all, be-all in life. Life goes on with or without one - so keep your chin up and stand strong ;-); August 2, 2016 at 8:43 AM
gadawg said...: Ms. Mirror,

Thank you for your quick response. I know I'll be fine (eventually), but it doesn't stop the pain and heartbreak I'm feeling right now. We are not kids, I'm 41 and he's 38. He is the man I want to marry. It just seems like a long time to take to make a decision. Maybe men think differently than women. I know exactly how I feel about him and always have. What could he be thinking about for two weeks? It just seems like when you know, you know, but I guess he had to take time to think about whether or not he loved me last time. Sorry, just venting . . .; August 2, 2016 at 9:48 AM
piscesgirl said...: "If he truly cares for you, he'll be back. And if he doesn't, then it's best he's gone dear. Either way, you'll be fine because you're a confident, independent woman that does not need a man to provide her happiness for her. That's the attitude and mindset you need dear. A man should not be your happiness and a relationship is not the end-all, be-all in life. Life goes on with or without one - so keep your chin up and stand strong"
Mirror thank you for this reminder! <3 This is why I love what you do here- add to that the fact that you bring other women together who empower one another and it really has a far reaching positive impact I know at least in my life it has so THANK YOU!!!
@ Fire& Water im going to take your advice and keep bringing up that picture in my mind of him coming or going into his apartment with another girl. Last night I was really upset I went to bed angry. He didn't stop by at all this whole weekend other than on Saturday when he was coming home from work and wanted to say hi and it pissed me off to be honest.; August 2, 2016 at 11:36 AM
piscesgirl said...: After I expressed to him what I wanted and what I was looking for he pulled away because he knows he cant or he isn't willing to give me what I want and ill admit I wanted him to keep coming by and trying to stay in my life. I thought he would miss hanging out with me and the times we spent together and how I was nice to him. I thought he would want more of that. I was focused on him and made a conscious effort to give him my undivided attention. We talked about his work and his goals and interests and future plans it really was all about him but I ended it because I felt like I wasn't getting much out of it and he wasn't even trying to kiss me anymore. But last night I had a revelation and that was no matter how physically close you may be to a man if he is emotionally unavailable you will always feel that distance and that's exactly what I feel with him. He's not there for me, I don't feel like I could or would wanna go to him if I ever needed anything even though hes 20 steps away. And ladies I do hate to admit this but yesterday I was going to go to the gym but I seen his car in the parkade and I knew he was off all day so instead of going to the gym I went back to my place and stayed home all evening to see if he would come knocking. How pathetic is that!!I know and he didn't come by at all and this whole weekend I wondered if he would but he didn't and I just felt alone and lonely though I did keep myself busy. Sometimes he gets off late from his other job (around 11) and he will come knocking but I wont be opening the door anymore even if I cant sleep because that's too late for him to come by even if he does just wanna say goodnight. I have to keep setting up boundaries. I actually hate him right now and I have to keep reminding myself that he is 34 and only recently moved into his place (6months ago) and before that he told me he was living at home with his parents. When I remind myself of that I think what a loser a man in his 30's still living with his mom and dad and he also doesn't even have a sofa in his place and this guy is arrogant and thinks im going to give chase when he really has nothing to offer me but this is what these types are used to I guess. I reread Mirror's post about what to do when he goes MIA on you.; August 2, 2016 at 11:36 AM
piscesgirl said...: I believe it was Disappearing/Reappearing Man and this situation is a little different since I don't have his # and cant call or text or reply to his call or texts since he doesnt have my # either but I feel like the same rules apply. I don't have to answer the door when he knocks. Nor do I have to knock on his door for any reason. Whether its to borrow his dirt devil or give him an update from the city about his AC anything like that is really just an excuse for me to see him and talk to him. I read an article that said that you should only show a man as much interest as he shows in you -even less because you are the prize and he should be trying to impress you not the other way around. I just want him to stay away so I can forget about him and move on. I want him to perceive me as a strong, confident independent woman who doesn't chase any man because I have other options and im not emotionally weak or needy. Though I do feel lonely and vulnerable at times that's when I feel most tempted to go knock on his door. I just have to remind myself that by trying to get closer to someone who is emotionally unavailable it will only leave me feeling worse off. Its like a drug you get that high for that moment in time but then once it wears off your right back to where you started. Anonymous @ 4:42pm I always do look at how they treat their mother's as it is very telling of how they will treat the woman in their life you are absolutely right about that. I think my neighbor is ok with his mother but I think he has some anger and resentment towards his dad who was always out partying and never really at home so that could have affected him negatively because the relationship with the same sex parent is vitally important. He also told me he doesn't believe in marriage and that its just a piece of paper and blah blah. Im an idiot for even spending any of my time thinking about this guy he isn't worth shit- he hasn't done anything for me-no courting, no dates, no taking the lead. He is that insecure player type that mirror speaks about and wants me to give chase and that aint happening! Im just not sure how to act when I see him again im angry and disappointed in him but I want him to see that im still living my life getting along just fine without his lame ass so If I do bump into him again I have to act happy and normal like I could care less about him. Anyways thank you ladies for your continued replies to my posts and support. It means so much to me and I don't want to disappoint myself or any of you ladies so I will try to keep my head held high and stay strong.; August 2, 2016 at 11:36 AM
piscesgirl said...: oh ladies I forgot to mention something funny! on Saturday when i seen my neighbor i looked down at his shoes and they were so big so i said you know what they say about guys with big feet but then i felt like pulling his leg a bit so i said but you might be an exception to that and then i laughed. When things got physical between us i was able to cop a feel and i told him that he seemed pretty offended and made an excuse about how its because his jeans were bunched up or something and then he goes... "i haven't had any complaints yet" LOL!!!i just rolled my eyes and said good to know. I guess guys get really insecure when it comes to their manhood and their size but i hope he thought about it more and wondered if i really meant that haha; August 2, 2016 at 1:13 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @PiscesGirl,
"add to that the fact that you bring other women together who empower one another and it really has a far reaching positive impact"

That's the reason I've stayed relatively silent on your situation (and some others on the site). Because there are a lot of women here that have been here for a LONG time -- and I like to stay silent and see what they have to say. And it never fails, they come along and provide support and continue spreading the message ;-)

And that's the goal for me -- to empower others so that they, too, can pay it forward and begin imparting the message to other women and providing the support needed while traveling that journey of self-growth. Women can tend to be competitive with one another at times, but here. . .you see that's not the case and "sisterhood support" prevails.

And I've noticed as of late, I've not had to jump in to clarify things or possibly correct any misunderstood messages. So that tells me the message is being heard loud and clear, women are aligning with it, putting it into practice in their own lives, feeling empowered by it. . .and paying it forward.

It's like Utopia and I'm really thrilled to see it coming full circle like that ;-); August 2, 2016 at 2:02 PM
Piscesgirl said...: Practicing it in our own lives, feeling empowered by it and paying it forward that is what this all about and the sisterhood support indeed prevails. I have 3 sisters of my own and I don't discuss any of this with them not because I cant but because they would be judgemental or blame me entirely. I come on here because I know I wont be judged harshly but I will still get the honest truth in a supportive manner. I have my weaknesses as we all do and I am only human and will inevitably make mistakes along the way. Nobody has walked in my shoes or known the struggles ive dealt with and the insecurities and feelings of self doubt that continue to creep up. Its the reason I seek validation from men at times. I guess I like many of the ladies here am seeking a soft place to fall and we put up with a lot of crap trying to find that but at the end of the day people can only treat you and make you feel the way you allow them to.
Thank you Mirror <3; August 2, 2016 at 3:46 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear MOA,
I must've accidentally deleted my comment, but thanks for responding to my posts about rebuilding trust and insecurities. I do believe it was not only his actions, but his CHANGES in behavior and especially his inconsistencies that triggered my insecurities. Today he asked me why I didnt confide in him about them so he could fix it. But I have a few timed and tje first couple,I felt like I was being teased for it..like I was silly for feeling that way. Then other times, he took it as me complaining, but didn't really come up with a solution to fix it. Today he told me that my lie (lying over time about the prank calls) doesn't compare to hos lies, because mine is the biggest and most damaging of them all...since it effed with his emotions and he was 'suffering'. I couldn't even respond because I felt he was manipulating my feelings.

Are there really severities in lies? He said it was one of his "rules" but he has been lying since the beginning of us. I started lying in the middle of us..because of his inconsistencies. I felt like I was being conned.; August 2, 2016 at 8:32 PM
Anonymous said...: Aaaaaargh I just wrote a post but I clicked on Publish - and then I did something wrong - and then it disappeared. Oh well... maybe it still got sent? I wanted to say hi to Piscesgirl: hi!! :)
This is Anonymous who is going to move away from the neighbor.

I wanted to say that I totally feel you when you said you even stayed at home from the gym when you found out that he was around!! Been there, done that honey... I can't even count the times where I stayed at home in hopes that DM would come by. At least now that I'm going to move, there is no change of that happening because if he can't walk the few steps to my house now, he certainly won't be making the 2 hour drive to my new house!!! I'm glad that that will stop my waiting for him....

It's sad when you enjoy spending time with someone so much, yet he doesn't feel the same about it OR only likes to spend time with you when HE feels like it and when he doesn't have anything else to do. It's very painful :(. I'm sure that my DM only ever showed up when a) he felt bored b) he thought he could persuade me into having sex with him (again) - which I haven't done in a long time and I'm sure that's why he won't make the effort anymore to come see me. Here and there he still tries to string me along by emailing me and saying "I will come see you soon" yet he never comes.

I'm glad that I'll be moving.

What I wanted to say, is that if you run into him, you could say "hi!!" and then keep moving as if you're in a terrible hurry. It's what I have done lately too!! It's hard because you really want to chat but then at the same time you don't want to chase him.... So you could try the 'hi' and KEEP MOVING thing. Or, if he still tries to engage you in a chat (a chat about himself probably) you could say: "ohhh I'm in such a hurry!" and continue to walk away!! Something else that you could do is put a phone to your ear when there's a chance that you might run into him, and pretend to be on the phone with someone....

Btw, that was very funny what you wrote about the shoes!! :); August 3, 2016 at 4:50 AM
Piscesgirl said...: Hi Anonymous (4:50am)!! I hate when I right a long post and that happens to me to sometimes it doesn't post for some reason so now I copy my post just in case and then refresh the page and then try to post (just a little tip)!
I am so happy for you that you will be moving! Omg your DM man is just like my neighbor its all about them and their own convenience and just filling any extra time they have with us. They take us for granted and don't appreciate all that we have to offer and you know what I realized Im too much woman for my neighbor he is an immature man-boy the type Mirror talks about and your DM sounds like that too. Little to offer overall and most importantly don't know how to commit to one woman. I think its a control thing for them they just don't want to feel like they are being controlled. We just need to learn to not take that personally. It really doesn't have to do with us it is their own weaknesses and shortcomings in life and I always have to remind myself that they wont treat the next lady in their life much better either. They may pretend for a short time and put on a façade but ultimately they are who they are and like the saying goes a leopard never changes spots.
I haven't seen my neighbour since I bumped into him on Sunday morning. For some reason its felt like a much longer time that that. I know he was home yesterday evening because i seen his car in the parkade. I still left and did the stuff I needed to do in the evening after work. Im actually glad he hasn't stopped by hes doing me a favor. Nothing puts greater perspective on a situation than distance and space. Like the old saying goes "out of sight, out of mind" and that's why it will be great for you to be moving a far distance away so your DM will hopefully stay away and stop trying to string you along. It will allow you start fresh and new.; August 3, 2016 at 11:12 AM
Piscesgirl said...: A good quote I read last night "sometimes what we want isn't what is best for us." I also said a prayer last night and asked God to keep the people who don't belong in my life away from me. Sometimes our mind and heart can play tricks on us and make us believe in something that isn't even real and that's why we end up hurt and disappointed when we realize it was all an illusion.
Ill admit sometimes I think about why my neighbor isn't pursuing me. It bothers me. Was he never that interested to begin with? Is he expecting me to go to him? Is he preoccupied with someone else? It may be all of the above but regardless of what the reasons I just know that any man who isn't borderline obsessed with me really isn't that into me. Ultimately its his loss. I know what I have to offer and I think he knows that he cant add much value to my life.
Despite how much hes been on my mind lately this morning I was on the train and I was just thinking about how im proud I am of myself. Proud that I havent went and knocked on his door though Ive been so tempted to at times and it would be so easy to any time I wanted to. What stops me is thinking that he might have some girl in there with him and I really don't want to see that so I have stayed away. I need to give myself credit for that. I feel really good about that. And for all of you ladies who aren't texting and calling and checking in on these guys be proud of yourselves!!!! that's progress! let your silence speak. Men understand actions not words. They are expecting us to be like every other female and be desperate and show fear and anxiety. BE calm, stay strong and show them what you stand for. We can not allow anyone to treat us like an option. We deserve to be a priority.
Oh one more thing. Think about if you would ever wanted to have a baby with this guy. Not that im in any kind of rush to have one! but I thought if I did get pregnant with his child it wouldn't be a good situation. Then its not all about me there is a dependent and I would need a real man who could protect and provide and be loyal and committed. So yes that's a good reality check.; August 3, 2016 at 11:12 AM
Piscesgirl said...: Oh also thank you for the advice @ anonymous on how to handle the situation if I see him again. Its not if its when.. Im going to remain cordial with him but im going to try to keep it very brief. I know men can feel a woman's vibes and I don't want him to know his ass has been on my mind lately. So I gotta try to play it really cool. Its so ridiculous that im so worried about how I look now just in case I bump into him or he stops by unexpectedly. As soon as I get home from work I take off my glasses and put on my contacts and fix up my hair and makeup and sometimes ill change into something a little sexier. This weekend I tried to look my very best and though I do it for myself too part of me was hoping he could see me looking my best. Never seems to work like that though, like when I was taking out the trash after I had just woken up lol that was kind of embarrassing - oh well.; August 3, 2016 at 11:19 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear MOA,
thanks again for responding to my post about the insecurities and rebuilding trust.

What's your insight and advice on a guy calling you psycho? A guy's inconsistencies and changes in behavior would make my reactions appear psycho. But whats the mans logic when it comes to the Psycho card?

He said I was a liar when I have always asked for clarification on things. But I only ask because I have learned that people in the past would tell me something, not being clear with their words and intentions, and meaning something else. That's how I got hurt a lot in the past with guys...so since then, I've always asked for exactly what they mean. He thinks I use that to see gow far I can go with lying. Smh. There was a time I asked him about if I went to a class in a university and got info from my professors, told him about it, then he later on found out it wasn't accurate, that I lied.

I told him that it doesn't make sense for him to bring up my lying when he does it too. How can he be so in your face about it, but do the same thing yet not hold himself accountable?; August 3, 2016 at 11:28 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Piscesgirl and Anonymous 4:50am: This is Anonymous @ 4:42pm. I'm right there with you ladies. I still run in to my neighbor every now and again. In Fact, the other day he was outside and I was coming in. I just said hi and kept walking. and another time I was in our parking lot and I did not speak to him until he spoke to me. I'm still basically in No Contact with him. if he texts me, I just mirror what he would do (as MOA suggests)--I take my sweet time answering (if I even answer at all) and if I do answer, the responses are very short and to the point. No more sweet, bubbly responses (and this is very hard for me as I like my real personality to come thru in my text messages and emails). but with this guy, I have to keep it very generic and business-like. I'll never forget last year this time, when I first went into no contact with him, he was calling and texting me and I was not responding. I could hear the frustration in his voice messages. It was soooo empowering. I can't even tell you. When I pulled a "him" on him, he didn't like it much. Next week, I have to attend an event that he will be attending as well. I'll keep you posted.; August 3, 2016 at 11:49 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Aug 2, 8:32 PM,
"Are there really severities in lies?"

Absolutely - it amounts to betrayal. When someone lies to you, I'm sure you feel that you've been betrayed by them and can no longer trust them. Lies are very damaging.

"he has been lying since the beginning of us. I started lying in the middle of us..because of his inconsistencies. I felt like I was being conned."

That's why it's not good to lie. Because when you do that, others no longer trust you and they, too, will begin to withhold things from you and lie to you as well :-(; August 3, 2016 at 1:45 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Aug 3, 11:28 AM,
"What's your insight and advice on a guy calling you psycho? A guy's inconsistencies and changes in behavior would make my reactions appear psycho. But whats the mans logic when it comes to the Psycho card?"

The logic there by playing that card is one of shifting blame. In otherwords, they do not want to take accountability for their own actions that triggered insecurities, so they refuse to focus on the CAUSE (their behavior) and instead prefer to focus on the REACTION (that they behavior caused).

By focusing on your reaction instead of their own behavior that caused them, they get to place the blame onto YOU, instead of being accountable for their own actions (that triggered the event).

"He said I was a liar when I have always asked for clarification on things. But I only ask because I have learned that people in the past would tell me something, not being clear with their words and intentions, and meaning something else."

It's not necessary to question or interrogate a man, or anyone for that matter. You can learn all you need to know through OBSERVATION. And the thing to focus on when observing someone and attempting to determine if they're fooling your or lying to you or not is -- to observe whether their WORDS align with their ACTIONS.

If they DO NOT, then you're likely being lied to.

For instance, when a man tells you he's crazy about you and you're the most important thing in his life (WORDS) -- but then turns around and chooses to go out with his friends every weekend instead of spending time with you (ACTIONS) -- then his words are not true and he's lying to you to string you along.

Because if his words were true, YOU would be his first choice (his priority as he claimed) and NOT his friends.

So in the future, don't bother asking for clarification. If you're being lied to, you'll only be lied to again anyway, so it's a pointless effort. Instead, do nothing and simply observe whether or not the man's words align with his actions. If they do, he's being honest. If they don't, he is not being honest.

"I've always asked for exactly what they mean"

Don't bother. A liar will just continue to lie to you.

"How can he be so in your face about it, but do the same thing yet not hold himself accountable?"

Because the more he focuses ON YOUR BEHAVIOR, the less accountable he has to be FOR HIS OWN BEHAVIOR.

It's called shifting blame:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/07/what-is-nagging-and-shifting-blame.html; August 3, 2016 at 1:54 PM
Anonymous said...: @MOA. You are so right when you say "Because the more he focuses ON YOUR BEHAVIOR, the less accountable he has to be FOR HIS OWN BEHAVIOR." I was seeing a guy who (after 2 1/2 years) said that my hugging and kissing him made him uncomfortable. Nevermind that HE was the one who initiated the hugging. and then after he said this, what does he do?? HE HUGS ME!!??? Talk about words and actions not lining up. He's one who loves to shift the blame.; August 3, 2016 at 2:42 PM
piscesgirl said...: @ Anonymous 4:42pm -good for you girl! it sure does feel good when you take your power back and give them a dose of their own medicine haha. It is definitely harder to be in NC when you are in a situation like ours where you bump into that person all the time but you are doing exactly what you should be doing. I don't have my neighbors # nor does he have mine so there isn't any texting or phone calls taking place but when I see him in the hall or the parkade ill just handle it exactly how you are handling your situation with your neighbor. I too have a very friendly bubbly personality most of the time but I think my neighbor pretty much burst that bubble for me so I think it will be hard to even be fake nice to him at this point. On a side note-a guy I dated very briefly a few months back has been texting me to go for sushi. I broke things off with him because I felt kind of smothered by him. He is the exact opposite of my neighbor -he was giving me too much attention and affection! lol but he is a nice guy and continues to like my pictures on instagram and text me asking how im doing even though I think I really did break his little heart when I told him we shouldn't see each other anymore. I finally agreed to go for sushi with him tonight though. Even if I don't see a relationship with him at this time it is still nice to spend time with someone who would give anything to spend time with me and take me out and treat me nice. Im just gonna have to tell him I want to be friends and im not really looking for anything more. Its always one extreme or the other in my life. Either they are obsessed with me (the ones I don't really care for) or just DGAF (the ones I want)sighh; August 3, 2016 at 2:53 PM
piscesgirl said...: HI Mirror I was reading some previous posts and Im a little confused about something. I know you advise us to not express our emotions/fears/insecurities with men as it only confuses them and they are not our psychologists and they only understand simple communication but is this how you should ALWAYS be with men or only in the beginning stages of dating?? How the heck do you connect on a deeper level with a man if you cant express what is in your heart and thoughts. Ive also read that to connect emotionally with men you should share your emotions and allow yourself to be vulnerable and let your guard down so that they too feel compelled to open up to you and share their true thoughts/feelings/fears etc. If both people are so closed off all the time how can you truly connect with someone on more than just a superficial level? Im not saying cry or act crazy I know firsthand this sends guys running for the hills but i find it difficult to completely suppress my emotions especially if there is something that they did to upset me.; August 4, 2016 at 12:42 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @PiscesGirl,
"I know you advise us to not express our emotions/fears/insecurities with men as it only confuses them and they are not our psychologists and they only understand simple communication but is this how you should ALWAYS be with men or only in the beginning stages of dating?? How the heck do you connect on a deeper level with a man if you cant express what is in your heart and thoughts."

You communicate non-emotionally, in a calm logical manner (no tears, pleading, desperation) and ideally, you communicate through your ACTIONS more than your WORDS -- because the language of action is one that men understand.

When you overwhelm a man with a lot of emotions, they feel overwhelmed by all that negative energy and it can diminish their attraction for you.

So for instance, a man stands you up for a date. And naturally, you'd like to tear into him verbally. While this will make you feel better, it won't aid in any type of successful communication. Because when you come at someone with "force" like that (the overwhelming force of emotion) -- it places them on the defensive. And once someone is placed on defense. . .all they're focused on from that point on is defending themselves against the forceful accusations coming at them.

They're not focused on their behavior that led up to that, they're not focused on how it made you feel - they're focused on defending themselves and removing themselves from the force they're under. As a result, successful communication and understanding never really takes place.

Instead, it's much better to use a two-step process of sorts. First, say nothing and let your silence speak for you through your actions (doing nothing, saying nothing, not being available to them at all). So in the case of a man standing you up, you wouldn't phone him. You wouldn't tear into him at all. Instead, you'd disappear and fall off his radar entirely and not respond to his messages.

When you do that - INSTANTLY that man says, "Oh no, she's pissed." He KNOWS EXACTLY WHY. He KNOWS exactly what he's done. You don't need to explain it to him verbally. Right then and there, he knows he's screwed up, and the consequence for that is that he no longer has any access to you.

'Nuff said (or not said LOL ;-)

Cont. . .; August 4, 2016 at 1:32 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: The ball is now in HIS court to FIX what HE created. And this is where the second step comes in. One of three things will likely take place next:

1) The man will continue attempting to reach you, sending you texts as if nothing happened. Testing whether or not you'll stand your ground, or if he can easily slip back into your life with some flowery words as if nothing has happened.

If he can do that and you let this take place, he'll come back, act as if nothing happened -- and he'll do this time and time again to you. . .because YOUR ACTIONS (of permitting this) has signaled to him that it's okay to treat you this way, because you'll still be there no matter what. You can waste time and energy attempting to talk to him about your feelings, but he's already shown you that he's taking you for granted. . .so you can assume what you're saying will just go in one ear and out the other and won't effect any change whatsoever. He'll let you freak out on him, get it out of your system, he may even find it amusing. . .and he'll do it all over again -- because you've shown him he can easily get away with it.

2) After a few unanswered attempts, if the man truly cares about you and is genuinely interested, he'll swallow his pride and realize that he was wrong, he took you for granted (that he could treat you badly and you'd still be there anyway), and that an apology or talk is in order. And he will either text you, email you or telephone you and leave a voice message to that respect. He'll say something like, "I know you're upset with me. It was wrong of me to do that to you. I'm sorry. Can we please talk?"

If this happens and you've decided you'd still like to continue dating him in spite of how he's treated you, then about 2-3 days later, respond and agree to meet somewhere IN PUBLIC OVER DINNER to have that talk. Do NOT let him come to your home. Do not let him corner you alone to browbeat you and shift blame for his actions onto you somehow ("You made me do it!"). Meet in a public place where he's forced to keep it down and be respectful to you. And force him to PROVE he's genuinely sorry and interested by making him treat you nicely and with the respect of an adult talk over dinner. He has to do something special for you to PROVE HIMSELF GENUINELY INTERESTED NOW. And a nice dinner, an adult talk, and an evening out are the first steps to that.

And THIS is where and when you get to verbalize your feelings. When the man shows you that he's really READY to LISTEN. He's not being defensive, he's putting effort into this and he's showing you that he cares about how you feel. THAT'S WHEN YOU TALK.

Cont. . .; August 4, 2016 at 1:32 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: 3) After one or two lame "hey" text attempts, the man just disappears. He never apologizes or signals he's done something wrong. He doesn't show any real desire to meet to talk. And he's not really showing any signs of remorse at all. Instead, he's showing you that he's willing to easily let you go.

If this happens, the man has proved to you that he's only half-interested, isn't willing to treat you special, took you for granted, is non-apologetic, and is prepared to easily let you go. He has just proved to you that he's not worth another ounce of your time. In which case, you don't even have to bother expending the time or energy talking to him about how you feel. You should never respond to another text from this man, take another call, or ever email him again. You should disappear forever.

As you can see in the above 3 potential outcomes -- only ONE of them is even WORTH talking your way through it. Only one of them is even worth investing that type of energy into.

And what you're doing here, through your ACTIONS and SILENCE is you're sending a serious message. . .you don't play games, and you don't let men play them with you. You don't give the opportunity for a man to emotionally manipulate you with flowery words and empty promises. He either gets away with murder, mans up and steps up to the plate and proves he's genuinely interested and cares, or gets left in the dust entirely.

Men undersand this language. This is how they communicate with YOU.

If a man is upset, he generally distances himself at some point. He doesn't come to you crying, he doesn't beg or plead, he doesn't show all kinds of emotions in an attempt to talk his way through it, he doesn't send 45 texts in a 24 hour span (well, most don't anyway generally speaking LOL). Instead, he becomes a bit silent, he pulls back a bit, he distances himself -- and he lets THOSE ACTIONS speak for him.

And when he takes those ACTIONS -- you immediately sense that something is wrong and he's not happy. And then you begin attempts to talk about it with him. He says NOTHING, and you "hear" what his silence is saying loud and clear. It's not necessary for him to attempt to verbalize it. He's speaking his language, the language of action, and he's letting you know he's not digging something.

By doing nothing -- he's actually SAYING SOMETHING ;-)

And when you speak a man's language like that, they hear you loud and clear. You don't have to explain to them like a child what they've done wrong. They can figure it out and chances are, they already know what they've done. They already expected you to be upset about it anyway. They'll test to see if they can get away with it, but either way they're adults, not children. . .and they know when they mess up. They don't need to have it pointed out to them.

Cont. . .; August 4, 2016 at 1:33 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: And when you do try to point it out to them vebally without taking action first (no response, no access to you), all you're doing is offering them the opportunity to lie to you, or attempt to emotionally manipulate you into thinking that YOU did something wrong, that you're crazy, or that you're over-reacting.

And I should say this too, after spending a lot of time around many men (I have a lot of male friends that I'm very close with platonically for decades). . .many of them are amused by your emotions. It's really cruel, but it happens a lot. I've sat in on many a "You should've seen her, she went nuts, it was hilarious!" conversations I'm sad to say. They're so over-whelmed by all the emotions released onto them that their nerves spike and many men deal with those spikes via humor. Similar to how when some folks are nervous, they laugh a lot. When a lot of men become very nervous, many can tend to just try to minimize the situation by making a big joke out of it. In which case they'll mock you for the episode and label you "crazy" or "psycho" and call it a day.

Over-verbalizing like that via emotions actually gives them an excuse to say, "She was crazy anyway" and write you off as just another psycho chick. And I should add that, if you date a man and he starts talking about a long line of "crazy chicks" he's dated -- that should raise a BIG red flag with you. Women aren't born crazy, so why are all his exes crazy? What did he do to make them that way? What did he do to trigger those reactions? And why is he still mocking them to this day?

Men who signal they have a long line of crazy chicks in their past are actually telling you that THEY DRIVE THE WOMEN THEY DATE NUTS by likely mistreating them, taking them for granted, being inconsistent and saying one thing while doing another (their words don't line up with their actions), withholding emotionally from them, abusing them, etc.

So bottom line -- don't waste energy trying to express your emotions to men who signal to you that they could care less about them. Only make those types of investments into the men who are willing to prove to you that they're genuinely interested by showing you that they're willing to DO THE WORK necessary to even be one half of a healthy relationship (i.e. show you they're sorry, apologize, and take accountability for their actions).

The rest are showing you that they're not worth your time, energy or effort - and they won't care anyway. In which case, you've just filtered an asshole out of your dating pool and done yourself a real favor by doing so ;-); August 4, 2016 at 1:33 PM
piscesgirl said...: WOW Mirror everything you wrote makes COMPLETE sense!!! the last 3 paragraphs basically sums up everything so perfectly. Isnt it funny how its always the ones who aren't even worth our time of day that we end up going "crazy" for. I think its because it BOGGLES our mind's how men can pull the stunts that they do and be so cold and distant at the drop of a hat when they started off pursuing and giving us so much attention and then think nothing of it!! Just act like nothing happened. Boggled/confused woman's mind= crazy in a man's mind. But you are absolutely right by not saying something you are actually saying something and they can hear that message loud and clear without all the emotional displays and accompanying drama.
I think we have all been labelled "crazy" at one point but its so easy to labels others instead of looking at ourselves and seeing own faults and that's what these men do. Their actions and behaviours drive us to act crazy and granted women do express their emotions more than men but instead of seeing what caused the crazy behaviour to begin with they walk away laughing or worse they see themselves as a victim who always draws in the "crazy ones". I think Alpha's are the worst-I mean the really manly men. They really don't get it and I don't think they ever will but unfortunately the majority of us females are attracted to these types of men. They are not in touch with feelings or emotions at all it seems and are always shifting blame. Its like what you say about trying to cram a square peg into a round hole -no matter how hard we try it will never fit and will only leave us feeling tired and frustrated.

Thank you Mirror <3; August 4, 2016 at 2:13 PM
Anonymous said...: @MOA- PREACH ON, Girlfriend!!!!; August 4, 2016 at 3:48 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: When a man says things to you in his defense like, "Look at you. What about you? You don't take no shit" -- then you know you're doing it right.

That is NOT an insult, it's a compliment.

Remember. . .BITCH = Babe In Total Control (of) Herself LOL ;-); August 4, 2016 at 6:16 PM
Anonymous said...: GREAT post MOA!!!!!!! I have read all the comments on this site and every post of yours is so very powerful!!! Thank you for helping us :) :)

( This is Anonymous-who-is-going-to-move ;) )

To Piscesgirl & Anonymous 11.49AM,

It's awful to have a DM as your neighbor! He doesn't even have to make much of an effort to see you, and they will (try to) come whenever it suits them.... Yes, they take us for granted and think we'll always be here for them!!! I find it very hard not to take it personally, I still get upset when I don't hear from him and when he proves once again that he is an untrustworthy DM.

I'm so glad that I'm going to leave this town and DM behind me!!! I can't even feel relaxed in my own house, because like you (Piscesgirl) said you always want to look your best LOL!

I also keep praying and I like what you prayed, Piscesgirl, about God keeping the people away who don't belong in your life!!
I think we can be really proud of ourselves when we don't go knocking on their doors... They're so nearby so it's very tempting to just walk over and say 'hi'!! But then I always remember Mirrors word about how we should not chase a man and that if a man is REALLY interested that he will chase US. I also keep telling myself that SILENCE is heard!!!! But it's really tempting to walk those few steps and say hello....

We totally deserve to be a PRIORITY!!!!

@Anonymous 11.49AM, let us know how the event went!!! :) You can do it!!!!

Btw, I've also tried to take my sweet time answering whenever the DM started emailing me again but I find it sooooooo hard!!! I always feel like he is going to think 'whatever!' and won't care but then once again I'm reminded of Mirrors words that a man like this isn't interested at all or only half interested and that you're better off without him ANYWAY!!!!! I hate it that I still hope for a change in him once he starts emailing again.

And I always think that when he disappears again ,that that will be the FINAL time and that he's never going to return but so far he has always returned but it's so hard to avoid someone who lives so nearby, so that's why I'm going to leave. I feel so blessed that I can leave after all these years (almost 9 years!!!!!!)

Hugs to all of you!!
Anonymous-who's-going-to-move :); August 5, 2016 at 10:30 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Anonymous-who's-going-to-move (Anonymous 11.49AM,Here). First, God Bless with your move. The event is next Saturday, so I will definitely post back here with an update. Yeah, these DM's are something else. Mine likes to play games and is a real manipulator. When I first went into No Contact with him last year this time, it was really hard, but I managed to do it. I was doing really good and then right on cue, 2 months later, he resurfaces with a lame, "just wanted to say hello" text (see, men don't get rid of our numbers). I was going to answer it, but then I thought, he hasn't heard from me or seen me in 2 months. I could have been in the hospital or worse and this is all he has to say?? So I didn't answer it. Then, once again, on cue, two more months after that, he stops by my house with a Christmas gift (and not to sound petty, but the gift had "re-gifted" written all over it"). I took it. I didn't have anything for him (no way was I getting him anything after the way he was behaving--Like I mentioned in some earlier posts, he was very disrespectful towards me). I just said thanks and sent him on his way. He's got a funny work schedule so the chances of me running in to him on a regular basis is small (thank God). When I came back from vacation, I did run in to him and he said he noticed that my car was not in the parking lot for a few days (I used to tell him when I was going away. but this time- nah) then he started asking me how my trip was. I told him where I went and he commented that he knew it was my favorite place (ah, so he was paying attention). I was shocked. He has NEVER, EVER, asked me about any of my trips. Now when I do see him, it's really just hi and bye. we might have a little small talk, but that's about it. For me it's like that line in Star Wars "Move along. You aren't the droid I'm looking for" LOL; August 5, 2016 at 3:38 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Anonymous-StarWars-MoveAlongDM!!! ;-)

You mean the event is a week from now? I hope it will go well!! My DM likes to play games too and is the most manipulative person I've ever met.
Isn't that something how they just resurface with a lame "just wanted to say hello" ?? My DM resurfaced with a "hello" (even shorter than your DM's message), the next day I got "how are you?" and then the day after that, an annoyed: "Fine! I might see you again some time on the street then!" , but then he deleted those messages and sent me a new "hello"........................

It's so hard to stay quiet isn't it? I find it really hard especially because they live so nearby and then my thoughts go wild and I think: "oh but what if I run into him... what if he gives me a mean look because I haven't responded to his emails... maybe I should respond because I get hurt even more when he gets really mad!!" It's mostly our thoughts that make us so weak!! That's why it always help to keep reading on this site... I have saved so many posts and examples from other people, I have 12 very long emails (that I sent to myself) , all with copied/ pasted stuff from this site, and it's called : "Don't Contact Him Parts 1 - 12 " haha!! Mirror should write a book.................. :) :)

They're very cheap too... ugh yeah I can totally see my xMM doing that too.. showing up with a re-gifted thingy (btw that was one of the only things he ever gave me: some old Christmas pie that he got at work and that he didn't want. He offered it to me though as if it was the most thoughtful gift ever!!) It's very good that you sent him on his way after he handed you the gift aka piece of garbage!

Yes, they do seem to notice when our car is there or not... My xMM is always checking if my curtains are drawn... Not sure if he still does that though!! Funny that you mentioned the vacation... my xMM inquired a few weeks ago too if I'm going on a vacation this year like I always do (with my mom). But he did not once ask me how *I* am doing... always talking about himself and he is only doing 'nice' things if he can GET something out of it.

Haha yes, "move along, you aren't the droid I'm looking for!!!" LOL!!!!
xx Anonymous-who's-going-to-move; August 6, 2016 at 3:10 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Anonymous-who's-going-to-move (Anonymous-StarWars-MoveAlongDM, here) Yes the event (a BBQ) is next Saturday. Regarding the texts and emails, I love the idea of "mirroring". Every time I sent my DM a text, it was like a gamble--I never knew if he would answer it or not. Some he would answer right away, some he'd take a few days to answer and some he wouldn't answer at all. So now, that's what I do whenever he sends a text--maybe I'll answer it, maybe I won't.

Yes. I love this site, too, and wish I'd known about it 2 years ago. Because of this site, I've learned that the guy really should be doing the chasing (so I no longer chase, or buy him little gifts or anything like that--which as I've said, is very hard for me, because I looove getting little thoughtful gifts for folks. But I've learned I can't do that with this guy. There are just some people that you can't be nice to. and that's unfortunate). I also no longer initiate texts and emails. And, of course, I've implemented No Contact. Which is soooo empowering. Yes, it was hard at first. But when I would think about how he treated me, it got very easy.

I'll definitely update after next weeks BBQ.; August 6, 2016 at 2:38 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi @Anonymous-StarWars-MoveAlongDM(!),
What you said about you no longer chasing or buying him little gifts etc, reminds me of the fact that his birthday is coming up again... For the past years he has not even acknowledged MY birthday so last year - for the first time - I didn't acknowledge HIS birthday either... Normally I would at least send him an email or a card or whatever, but last year I did none of that. (Ok, honestly, I sort of hoped that THAT would get his attention... me ignoring his birthday I mean, but it didn't). This year I will not wish him a happy birthday either.... But now I know that he probably won't even notice and if he does, he won't care. I briefly considered to 'take the higher road' and to send him a 'happy birthday email' after all, but I won't do that because he doesn't care about my birthday wishes anyway... It's really hard though!!!!!!

We'll get stronger with each new day (I hope)
Anonymous-who's-going-to-move; August 7, 2016 at 9:16 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Anonymous-who's-going-to-move (Anonymous-StarWars-MoveAlongDM here). DM forgetting your birthday--Girl, been there,too. And when I would tell him he forgot my birthday, he wouldn't even try to make it up. Same with VALENTINE'S day. But I would always get him little gifts and cards for every occasion. When his uncle died I sent him a sympathy card. That was over a year ago and to this day he's never acknowledged receipt. The last gift I got him was his birthday last year. I said "this is it. No more". I have to admit though, I did cave and sent him a text for his birthday last week. But it was not my usual, bubbly, wordy text. All I said was "Happy Birthday". Surprisingly, he jumped on that text and answered it a minute later.

After all is said and done, we will get stronger.; August 7, 2016 at 6:33 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, I met this guy at a concert last weekend. We seemed to hit it off. He said he wanted to take me out on a date, so we did go out last Wednesday. I had fun. He seemed to as well and kissed me a few times throughout the night. He asked me last Friday if I could go out again Monday or Tuesday. I told him I could do Monday. He didn't reply after that. He did text me Friday and Saturday, but nothing on Sunday. I got a text this morning saying he was going to be working a lot later tonight and wouldn't be down my way (he lives an hour away) until 8 or 9 and asked if that would be too late for a dinner date. I told he I could do 8, but thought 9 was too late. I then got a text back saying that he was being optimistic with the time and realistically wouldn't be down until around 9. I just said no worries. I think 9 is too late and definitely past dinner time. Was he trying to see if I would accept the later time? Seems like that moves into booty call territory. How do I handle from here? Do I turn down his next few offers? If there is another offer? He should have picked up the phone and called also don't you think? He didn't even apologize. What seemed to be a good start is now not feeling so good :/ thanks, mirror; August 8, 2016 at 8:01 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Aug 8 at 8:01 PM,
"Was he trying to see if I would accept the later time?"

It's possible. But either way, do NOT rearrange your life or your schedule for a man. Once you begin accommodating someone like that, it becomes EXPECTED of you in the future and you're then quickly taken for granted.

You did the right thing by refusing that date. Do not accept date requests that you're not comfortable with, or that aren't convenient for you. Dating is a two-way street, and when doing so, making the time and date shows respect - everyone's time is valuable.

"How do I handle from here?"

Do not accept last minute, late night date requests. If a time/date isn't convenient for you, you simply refuse and then provide a time/date that IS convenient for you (preferably 3 days advanced notice) instead.

"What seemed to be a good start is now not feeling so good"

If that's the feeling interacting with him continues to create for you, then you'll need to decide if this is a man that's even capable, or willing, to make you happy. If he doesn't have the time to date properly, and he's trying to squeeze you in wherever he can - that's unfair to you and disrespectful for him to expect you to accommodate him like that when he's unable to make you a priority.

When people don't have the time to date properly, then they really shouldn't be dating. It's not fair to expect someone to wrap their lives around your schedule like that.; August 10, 2016 at 10:17 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks, Mirror! I'm glad I read your advice because that is why I didn't accept to meet him later. You help us so much in knowing how to handle these situations as they come up! I knew that would be accepting less from him and I wasn't going to do that. He did ask how my Wednesday looked, but I told him I already had plans.m since that was only in 2 days. He didn't ask after that and I didn't offer a day because He is actually leaving Friday for work in Northern California and will be gone for 5 weeks. I guess time to let this one go. I haven't heard from him since the other day. I did take a long time to respond to his text. I did that just because he obviously isn't making me a priority so I am not being responsive anymore. I do know that I am not going to wait for him for 5 weeks though until he comes back!; August 10, 2016 at 6:44 PM
Anonymous said...: @Anonymous-who's-going-to-move and Piscesgirl: Hi Hi. Anonymous-StarWars-MoveAlongDM Here. Well, The BBQ went well. I actually had a good time. Saw DM. we were very civil and I didn't throw him in the BBQ Pit- LOL!!; August 13, 2016 at 7:08 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,

So I haven't been in contact with the libra lawyer in years (the guy who brought me here - thank you universe!).

Over the years he did add me on social media, but I'd chuckle and move on.

In February, I sent him e-mail asking him about a kettlebell routine he told me about that I forgot the details to. I actually did want to know the answer, but really didn't care if he replied or not, and I wasn't looking to establish any regular contact.

Well, he didn't reply, so I just forgot about it.

Mid-July, he added me on Linkedin. LOL? WTF? Ignored.

A month later (today), he REPLIED MY E-MAIL from February!! Been almost 6 months.

He responded with his routine, asked me to e-mail this other e-mail that he uses, and ended it with "Talk again soon."

You know, the WHOLE day yesterday I was semi-upset at myself for thinking about the gentleman (I was near his workplace downtown and I kept wishing that maybe I'd bump into him)... and here we have a guy I used to be CRAZY about (it took me almost 2 years to fully get over him) circling back, and now I don't even give a crap about responding.

Time really does change everything.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving us a place to write and document our love life so we can see just how foolish we are over the years, LOL.

- Vivian; August 17, 2016 at 4:03 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Vivian,
"In February, I sent him an e-mail. . .today, he REPLIED TO MY E-MAIL from February!! Been almost 6 months."

I literally laughed out loud when I read that because it tells us so much LOL ;-)

1) It tells us that he did NOT delete that email. He hung onto it just in case (options).

2) It tells us that in February, he ignored you and wasn't ready. . .but the "seed" was planted in his mind (so he hung onto that email).

3) It tells us that he's likely either just broken up with someone, hit a dry spell, or the "seed" planted in February finally sprouted some 6 months later.

4) It tells us that even though he ignored you, he did not remove you as an option, signaling there's still an interest there.

"here we have a guy I used to be CRAZY about (it took me almost 2 years to fully get over him) circling back, and now I don't even give a crap about responding."

This is not unusual at all. Men don't seem to understand the phrase "strike while the iron is hot." Timing can be everything when dating.

When the iron (woman) is hot, it is malleable and easily influenced. If you strike the iron (woman) after it's cooled, it's going to resist your influence and possibly even break on you ;-); August 17, 2016 at 5:48 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi mirror, this is a great website! Within the past month, I've had three different men return... One after 6 months, one a little over 2 months, and one after 2 years! I was shocked, but here's the thing... the one number, I didn't even recognize when I saw the text on my phone. I asked who it was, and it's a guy I haven't talked to in a little over 2 years... Out of curiousity, I looked him up on Facebook. He's married now! I ignored all his messages, he kept saying that he missed me, Etc. I'm so glad I didn't respond and that I ignored him. I feel awful for his wife, because who knows how many women he's texting. i think it just shows that social media doesn't mean anything... These men post pictures of themselves looking happy with their wives, but they're constantly going behind their backs and texting other women. It's so disheartening :(; August 18, 2016 at 9:46 PM
Anonymous said...: "@Anonymous-who's-going-to-move and Piscesgirl: Hi Hi. Anonymous-StarWars-MoveAlongDM Here. Well, The BBQ went well. I actually had a good time. Saw DM. we were very civil and I didn't throw him in the BBQ Pit- LOL!!"

Hi Anonymous-Starwars-MoveAlongDM!!! I'm glad to hear that the BBQ went well!! LOL he is lucky that you didn't throw him in that pit ;) haha!! Meanwhile I'm counting the days that I can leave here.. it really hurts that I still love someone who doesn't care one bit about me!; August 19, 2016 at 8:31 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Anonymous-who's-going-to-move (Anonymous-Starwars-MoveAlongDM here) and I actually had fun at the BBQ. I know you'll be just fine once you move.; August 19, 2016 at 12:40 PM
Anonymous said...: Thank you Anonymous-Starwars-MoveAlongDM!! (Anonymous who's going to move here ;)) that means a lot to me! Sometimes I worry that I'll never feel any better but I have to believe that I WILL feel better and the DM can hear crickets chirping in the distance for the rest of his life ;) Hugs!!; August 21, 2016 at 7:46 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Anonymous who's going to move here (Star Wars here). A fresh start is always good. and now you know what you DON'T want in a man. That's how I look at my situation--as a lesson learned. I know I want someone who will pursue me "with a flashlight in the daytime" LOL. I definitely want someone who shows me the Utmost respect and isn't wishy washy. Hugs to you. Incidentally, I will be attending yet another event where DM will be also. I'll keep you posted on this as well.; August 22, 2016 at 10:25 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, I wrote a few weeks back after this new guy flaked on me. He did offer another day, but I told him I had plans and then I thought he was leaving that Friday for 5 weeks so I didn't
Offer another day. Well he ended up disappearing for 2 weeks. My friend is dating his friend and saw this guy last Sunday. Well she had a long conversation with him. He told her that he didn't think that I was interested because he was the only one initiating conversations and that I didn't offer another day to get together. I thought he was leaving! Also I had only known him for a week and we only went on one date! Anyway he texted me and said that my friend said he was being an idiot. He said he has been buried blah, blah, blah. I wouldn't have replied had my friend not spoken with him. Anyway so now we have been texting but his responses in between have taken a very long time, 8 hours, then 12 hours, now a day. I am doing as you said and mirroring his behavior and taking just as long to reply back. I'm just getting really annoyed and I haven't seen him in about 3 weeks. Now I am just about over it. What should I do? Keep mirroring him or just start becoming non responsive? It's funny because he told my friend he didn't want to play games yet it seems that is exactly what he is doing! Thank you, Mirror!; August 25, 2016 at 9:15 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Anonymous who's going to move (Star Wars here). Well I attended the other event. He got there late. He said hi to everyone BUT me. I don't know, I'm starting to think that maybe I killed his dog in a former life. Oh well.; August 25, 2016 at 9:26 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Aug 25, 9:15 AM,
"He told her that he didn't think that I was interested because he was the only one initiating conversations and that I didn't offer another day to get together. I thought he was leaving! I had only known him for a week and we only went on one date!"

A man who immediately jumps to negative conclusions like that without even really trying is a sign of an insecure individual. If they do not get loads and heaps of the reassurance and attention they need (in order to feel confident and good about themselves) -- then they immediately assume the worst.

"he texted me and said that my friend said he was being an idiot."

He's acting insecure.

"Anyway so now we have been texting but his responses in between have taken a very long time, 8 hours, then 12 hours, now a day."

Deeply insecure individuals exhibit inconsistent, unstable behavior on a regular basis. Dating them is often very exhausting because they're very "needy" and need loads of reassurance - and will pull stunts and pranks in order to get it (a reaction from you):

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2015/02/insecure-men-dating.html

"I'm just getting really annoyed and I haven't seen him in about 3 weeks. Now I am just about over it. What should I do?"

Based on what you've seen over the last 3 weeks -- take the time to decide if this man appears to be a man that's even capable of fulfilling your needs and making you happy. If he's acting like this this early on, what's he going to act like 3 months or a year into it?

"It's funny because he told my friend he didn't want to play games yet it seems that is exactly what he is doing!"

They all SAY that, yet their ACTIONS say something completely different. And that forces us (women) to begin doing things to protect ourselves and keep a level playing field, even though that's not what we want to do.

If he can't step forward, take the lead and maintain it. . .you need to consider if this is a man that's even worth dating and investing more of your attention, time and energy into.; August 25, 2016 at 12:06 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks, Mirror. I agree with you. If he is already doing this kind of crap early on when you would think they are supposed to be impressing you, then I can only imagine it will get worse. This isn't how I want to be treated. I am thinking that he isn't being a man and even trying to do courting. I am certainly not going to court him lol. It is funny because he also said to my friend that girls he has dated get attached to him so quickly. I am assuming that they probably blow up his phone and I am not doing that so he assumes I am not interested. I don't think he wants to lift a finger. It is a good point you make about the words he says vs. the actions. On our first night, he was like 30 minutes late because of traffic. He said when he got there that he wanted to show up early and impress me, but that of course didn't happen. It's funny because later on he made a comment about that. I almost think he did it on purpose to see if I would be upset. Another time he said he had an idea to go to the fair and go to a concert, but he would be gone that day. I'm thinking why did he even suggest it?! I think if it continued with him it would be disappointment after disappointment so good thing I am not invested at all in this one. I think the true colors are showing already.; August 25, 2016 at 3:30 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Aug 25, 3:30 PM
"It is funny because he also said to my friend that girls he has dated get attached to him so quickly. I am assuming that they probably blow up his phone and I am not doing that so he assumes I am not interested."

Yea - and where did that type of behavior get those girls? Think about that. Is he with them? No. Is he out there exploring his options with other women? Yep. Did all of that attention they showered on him get them any further with him? No. Did they waste a lot of time and energy on nothing but boosting his ego for him? Yep.

Men invite women to behave like this all the time. They constantly signal to women that they should be behaving like this, as if it'll get them further. One male commenter on this site recently had the nerve to call it "promoted." He said, "If she responds before I even put the phone down, guess what? She just got promoted."

Promoted to what - doormat status?

And what value does that so-called "promotion" actually provide in return to the woman - a few bootly calls or random hookups? Whop-di-do. A woman can snap her fingers and get laid. And she doesn't have to perform like a circus monkey for the man to achieve that if that's really what she's set out to do (get laid). So really. . .where is the value in this type of "promotion" for the woman?

There is none. Behaving like that doesn't get you ANY FURTHER ALONG than not behaving like that does. All that behaving like that does is make it really, REALLY easy for a man to use you. That's it.

Besides, who cares if you're "promoted" in some random strangers dating rotation to booty call, hookup status anyway? Like you've won some real prize or something. Like it's hard for women to find sex, so she should be thrilled that this strange man is willing to provide it to her through her newly won "promotion."

Big deal.

As a woman, let's face it - getting laid is EASY PEASY. If that's what you're really in it for, you won't even have to do that amount of work to receive it. You simply have to be willing - and a lot of random dudes will jump in line LOL ;-)

Ignore men when they try to manipulate you and/or guilt you into thinking that you're not doing enough to win them over. The ones who have that attitude are telling you right then and there that they plow through women (who act like that) at the speed of light -- and they've come to expect an endless slew of women to instantly throw themselves at them. Those types of men aren't worth dating.

And this man you're dealing with is a prime example of that - again, where did that type of behavior get these girls with him? Clearly nowhere. They're not together and here he is, attempting to do the same thing to you.

"He was like 30 minutes late because of traffic. He said when he got there that he wanted to show up early and impress me"

Way to go buddy. Set out to impress and then sh*t the bed big time LOL.

Cont. . .; August 25, 2016 at 6:36 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "Another time he said he had an idea to go to the fair and go to a concert, but he would be gone that day. I'm thinking why did he even suggest it?!"

To see if you'd jump on it and beg and plead with him to spend time with you instead. Remember - he said this, "girls he has dated get attached to him so quickly." He's dangling carrots and then watching them jump and scramble and amusing himself and getting an ego boost from it. Then he turns around and acts like it's such a problem - "I have a real problem on my hands (sigh). All these women are blowing up my phone and vying for my attention (poor me). I'm telling you this because I hope you're different and not like them (hehe, lie)."

And then guess what? You ARE DIFFERENT - and what does he do?

"Gee, I have a real problem. I don't think you're interested in me (manipulation). You're not blowing up my phone and behaving like all the other women I date and showering me with attention (and it's making me feel insecure)."

It's all a game, with the end result amounting to nothing more than a constant ego boost for this man. The women don't benefit from any of this behavior at all. They're damned if they do, damned if they don't. Because what he's failing to be honest about is that -- he doesn't know what the hell he wants. When the girl isn't paying him enough attention, he's upset. When the girl is paying him too much attention, it's a problem. So what is it you want buddy? Figure it out and stop blaming women for your inconsistency and indecisiveness. Or simply come clean and admit that you're a serial dater seeking sex with various random women and nothing more - and you're not interested in anything substantial with any of them.

"I think if it continued with him it would be disappointment after disappointment"

Absolutely. It's called the Random Interval Rewards system. It's behavioral conditioning that creates addiction. "He gives his attention in a random way at different intervals:" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs5KpdlA_L8

And the way it works is a great experience (that gets you hopeful). Followed by several disappointments (that trigger your insecurities, leave you questioning yourself, and create a desire for you to try harder - making it easier for them to take advantage of you). Then another great experience. Followed by an unexpected disappearance.

And the cycle continues. It never ends. It's an endless rotation. Which is why when men signal to you that they're cut from this fabric, they're telling you right then and there that they're a waste of your time -- and that all they have to provide to you is a lot of grief, sprinkled with some sex here and there when it suits them.

Cont. . .; August 25, 2016 at 6:36 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: The end game is to have a lot of women on the line (options) so that they're "thirsty" for you and you don't have to work at getting them real hard (cause they're so thirsty they're throwing themselves at you).

All the man has to do then is make a phone call, offer one of these thirsty women that's been hanging on the line in rotation waiting for it to be her turn again. . .and boom - success with minimal to no effort.

The sad part is that these women who are trying so hard don't even realize that all they're doing is setting themselves up to be used and then quickly discarded :-(

Because again - he signaled that he's used to women acting like that with him. Well, where did it get them? Is he with them?

No. He's not. Instead, he's now becoming involved with you.

So when a man tries to get you to think that if you would've just tried harder, called more, responded right away, rearranged your schedule for him. . .nah.

Gentlemen who are genuinely interested, respect women and do not treat women like mere sexual objects -- do not treat women like that AT ALL. They court, they aim to impress and they realize that this statement is 100% true:

"Treating a woman like a queen is not called being 'whipped' - it's called being a man."

And you want to date a man - not a man-child ;-); August 25, 2016 at 6:41 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks so much, Mirror. I love reading your blog because it is so insightful. When you said about where did that behavior get those women and are they with him now and the answer was no, that really opened my eyes. You are right. They aren't with him and he just threw them to the side, but he most certainly brags about it. He does have a big ego! If a guy is interested, then he will call and follow up to take you out. This guy is not doing that and I feel like he is just making excuses. I am definitely not going to be giving him an ego boost. He needs to come back down a few notches lol
That is interesting about that Random Interval Rewards System. I haven't heard of that before. They give you just enough to keep you coming back for more, but I think if we can be strong enough and know what we want, we know we won't settle for crumbs of a man's attention. We deserve way more than that! You know what is also funny, in his last text he talked about his daughter and that she is 9. He said that she is too much like him so he has to watch her because she will always be up to something. That is why I feel he is just playing around. As they say, people tell you all the time who they are, we just don't listen. I think this guy is a little boy and not a true gentleman!; August 26, 2016 at 1:54 AM
Anonymous said...: @MOA-Where were you 2 1/2 years ago????? I just want you to know that I print out many of your responses (like this last one) to read (and re-read) when I find myself slipping. In your last response, you just described the guy I was seeing and the games he was playing.; August 26, 2016 at 9:00 AM
Anonymous said...: @Anonymous August 26, 2016 9am: I love MOA's insightful responses. In this last one, she described the guy I was seeing and the games he was playing to a T. He would tell me that he KNEW he was a catch and how other women make passes at him and don't know when to stop. I was like "give me a break". If he was really a catch, he would have been caught. And he's all about the Random Interval Rewards System. It was making me crazy. He still contacts me, but now I mirror what he did. I have a text now from him that I will answer maybe on Saturday or Sunday. I no longer jump on his text and phone messages. I no longer buy him little gifts of send him cards. That's over. He needs to catch up and send me gifts and cards. It's very empowering when you turn the tables on them.; August 26, 2016 at 10:32 AM
Lottie said...: Hi Ms Mirror,
Hope you are well. I still read all the comments on here and it is still such a great source of strength.
It has been a while since I have posted here. A LOT has happened [Positively], however, not dating related

Ms Mirror, I wanted to ask you a question. I had a whatsapp message from an old work colleague of mine today. I think it's probably been 2 years since I last saw him. I was friendly with him at work, as with all colleagues and we shared some banter. I sensed he was a bit of a lothario, although had no proof of this, so I kept a distance.

I was a lot closer to other colleagues than him so he knew very little about me and my life. He was a good looking guy due to get married from what I remember.

I woke up to a message from him. He had my number although I never saved his in my phone. So when the message came through I did not recognise it.

I had to ask who is was from. He said "[His Name] your lover from [my ex company]"
I responded politely with a hello. I keep it very brief and then he said we should meet up for a coffee [near to where I live] - I believe he used travel past where I live.

Ms Mirror...I could not think of anything to write back to him.
I have no intention of meeting him. Our paths barely crossed at work and I was friendly because I find it difficult to be rude.

There was a part of me that thought that because he was an ex colleague that I should be a bit more agreeable...but I didn't want to. I believe he is married, we never shared any confidences and I feel he is just "tapping me up"...with a cheap few lines over whatsapp.

I couldn't think of anything witty to write back or a reason of why we couldn't meet. I don't believe he has any genuine interest in me. Ms Mirror would you interpret my silence as being "rude/cold"?

Best Wishes
Lottie x; August 28, 2016 at 5:52 PM
Anonymous said...: "Which is why when men signal to you that they're cut from this fabric, they're telling you right then and there that they're a waste of your time -- and that all they have to provide to you is a lot of grief, sprinkled with some sex here and there when it suits them."

Dear Mirror, just wondering the man-children/DMs/emotionally unavailable men whom u described above, will they ever have the self-awareness about the hurt they are causing women and change for the better?; August 28, 2016 at 11:19 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Lottie,
"Ms Mirror would you interpret my silence as being "rude/cold"?"

I would interpret your silence as not interested. That's all. Just not interested. And the fact that he's shown up out of nowhere, really did not have any kind of existing rapport with you to begin with - now or in the past - and immediately leads with a sexual insinuation. . .that's rude of him.

So I wouldn't worry about what a man I'm not close with, never was close with, and is now treating me like a sexual object of sorts thinks about me ;-)

That message from him has "I'm seeking an affair" written all over it - married or not. And if you bite with a response, men like this have a tendency to not go away and instead attempt to wear you down. . .or they become rude and ignorant towards you if you reject them.

Either way, I don't think this man is anyone to concern yourself with. And I wouldn't worry about what he thinks about me. If there was a bit of history there, that may be different. But this man just blew in from nowhere, really doesn't know you all that well, and propositioned you more or less in a subtle way. . .which means he doesn't respect you and actually thinks you might go for this.; August 29, 2016 at 9:11 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Aug 28, 11:19 PM,
"just wondering the man-children/DMs/emotionally unavailable men whom u described above, will they ever have the self-awareness about the hurt they are causing women and change for the better?"

It really depends on the man, and where he finds himself in life eventually. I've seen a few men change for the better, and I've seen a lot of them WANT to change for the better but never do it. . .and I've seen a lot of them have life experiences that make them wish they had changed a long time ago and find out it's too little, too late.

For instance, a past friend of mine who was older and wiser than me had a man in her life for 40 years off and on. He was a real dog. Everything bad a man can do to a woman, this man had done to women throughout his life. And he was proud of it. He wore that like a badge of honor.

Until he turned 70 and had a heart attack and found himself at home alone, trying to fend for himself after it during his recovery.

That was when it hit him - at 70, when he needed someone and no one was there. He ended up having to fly his sister out to stay with him for 6 weeks because no one else was there. And that was by HIS design. He was very proud of the fact that he treated women like crap and had no use for them for anything other than sex. But when he found himself in this experience, he was forced to stop running around. (Yea, he was still running around in his 60's and 70's.)

And once he was forced to stop and be alone with himself, that was when it hit him that he had not been a very good person. He had no family. Had a great wife at one time whom he cheated on constantly and discarded easily. Had no children of his own, etc. And you know what he did after he got well? He looked up that ex wife of his from several decades ago.

I have a friend whose father is much the same. The man cheated on his wife regularly throughout many decades of marriage. When he got older (in his 60's) he said it was time to "make it up" to his wife. And then I also have another friend who, when we were in our 20's was a real player - the charming type though that everyone loved. Even the women he played with thought highly of him. And then in his mid 30's, he met a woman 10 years older than him, had a child, settled down and got married. And I believe to this day, he's been faithful and shows the utmost respect to his wife. He credits his child for this turnaround.

And then there are men I know who just keep making the same decisions (mistakes) over and over again and simply do not seem to care about the consequences. They can't see far enough ahead to do so. True change really depends on a lot of factors. Some change because of circumstance, some it takes until their senior years -- and some never change at all.; August 29, 2016 at 9:26 AM
Lottie said...: Thank you Ms Mirror.

Perfectly worded and on point as always.

It's funny that even after everything I have read here and practiced.....a curve ball like this can come along and just doubt my intuition. I think work colleagues can be a bit of a grey area [well it has been in the past for me]

There was a reason I didn't write back to him and was short and I'm glad I didn't bite...for all the reasons that you mention above. Nice to have that clearly put in writing.

Many Thanks again Ms Mirror.
Keep up the good work.
Lottie x.; August 29, 2016 at 12:29 PM
Anonymous said...: Ur response is such a spot on Mirror! Now i bet the wives whom these DMs got married to and changed for the better aint those women who blasted his phones nor the desperate needy girls he usually encountered. They prob fall under the B.I.T.C.H category LOL
- From Anonymous Aug 28, 11:19 PM; August 30, 2016 at 5:54 AM
Anonymous said...: @Lottie
You are obviously a very nice, considerate person. Unfortunately, not everybody is like that. Your intuition is right, just follow it. (Fortunately, we have Mirror, who warns us too). You may feel that by not replying (or doing or not doing whatever else in various other situations) might offend the other party. The truth is that some people don´t care because they have no real feelings and actually, they are used to being rejected because of that fact. So I think you don´t have to worry about your responding or non-responding because this man´s perception of the world is most probably completely different from yours. (I am similar to you, I am still learning too:-). You are you, you are a decent person and you can do anything you wish without having doubts about your behaviour or having to explain yourself (even to yourself.) I used to explain my decisions and reactions to people because I thought they would judge me. The truth is that they are not interested. Normal people will never question your behaviour so you don´t have to explain yourself. Only abusive people do that in order to gain an advantage and control over you. I have completely stopped explaining myself and nothing has happened. The only thing I have noticed is that I have got rid of people who are manipulative and unpleasant.

I wish you all the best.
Regards to you and Mirror and all the ladies,
Hopeful; August 30, 2016 at 3:42 PM
Lottie said...: Thanks Hopeful,
Good to hear from you.
It's odd how the doubt crept in. But nice to know I can come to Ms Mirror's site to rebalance myself.
You are right, they have no feelings about you and there is no point thinking that these guys think the same way that you do. They just don't.

Take Care
Lottie x; August 31, 2016 at 2:43 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @The Ladies,
Just a heads up gals -- an engagement has taken place and you can ready the update here:

http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2013/08/how-do-you-value-yourself.html

Sophia realized her value as a woman, made a wise decision for herself to let go of her disappearing man. . .and just when she'd given up all hope, the universe sent her a gift.

A reward for learning the lesson of personal value and doing the hard work necessary to maintain it ;-)

Moral of the Story: Taking a leap of faith (in yourself) and letting go of the past makes room for your future to unfold.

This doesn't happen overnight. For Sophia, it was a 2 year journey. . .but one well worth the trip.

Know your value gals - you ARE ALL WORTH IT. And there are men out there that WILL recognize that.; September 2, 2016 at 11:41 AM
Saggi said...: Hi Mirror,

I'm one of your long-time posters, and you've been a great help to me in the past. I was wondering if you could share some wisdom with me regarding my current situation.

To (try and) keep the story short, around four years ago I met a man who was recently separated. We were primarily friends first, and over the months he fell in love with me, and I fell in love with him. However, soon afterwards, he told me that his teenage kids weren't coping with the separation, so moved back into the marital home for the kids (slept in a separate section of the house to the wife). Over the course of three years we kept in daily contact (morning/night texts, phone calls every day) and I would catch up with him for coffee every other week.

At one stage he considered moving out to be with me, but at the end of the day, his kids took priority over me. Knowing that was his situation, he told me that it wasn't fair on me and that I should date others. However, he valued me too much to let me go, so we stayed best friends (but slept together about five or six times over the course of the three year period).

I was able to manage this relationship for about three years (I valued him too much to let him go), but towards the end of last year, I realised I wasn't giving other men a chance because in my mind I believed I would end up with this guy.

In December last year, I told him I couldn't do it anymore, and asked him if there was any chance that he would separate. He told me that he couldn't leave at the moment because his kids needed him too much, that he didn't know what the future held, but he wanted to still keep in contact with me. I told him, sorry, but to get over him I needed to cut off contact, and if he was ever single to look me up. And that was that.

After nine months of no contact, and me finally starting to get over him, I received a text from him out of the blue - this was yesterday. It said something along the lines of: "Hi Saggi it's been ages but I hope you're ok! Lots happening my end. Hope also the PhD is nearing its close! Take care x"

I was flawed. It was only yesterday that I had thought to myself that I was starting to get over him, and I get his text a few hours later.

I haven't replied yet. I'm not sure what to say. I've read your advice on how to respond to a man that disappeared on you, but this is slightly different because I broke it off with him, and told him not to contact me unless he was single.

My question to you is, how should I reply to his text?

Many thanks,

Saggi; September 4, 2016 at 3:55 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Saggi,
"My question to you is, how should I reply to his text?"

I'm not sure that text even calls for a response. There is no direct question to respond to. And this part, "Lots happening my end" honestly just sounds like "bait" to get you to bite. It sounds like he's fishing to see if you're still there, and dropping that out there without explanation to get you to respond. When meanwhile, he could've just told you right then and there what's happening, but chose not to.

It feels like a ploy to me.

If you've moved on, I'm not sure I'd respond to this at all. There are a lot of men who are great fathers and do NOT have to live with their ex to be able to do that. The reality is that when that is the case -- the reasons are usually financial, and not necessarily about the children.

Think about it -- do you really think it's a GOOD thing for children to watch their parents live separate lives in the same house, sleep in separate rooms, and fight and argue endlessly about it with each other? Is that REALLY what's best for the children? Generally speaking, it's usually what's easiest for the parents (financially) and NOT what's best for the children. That's really confusing for young children to comprehend and attempt to make sense of. They're not capable of the complex thinking adults are capable of, and it's terribly difficult for them to make sense of a situation like that.

I'm not sure this man has been entirely honest with you to begin with. And I would think long and hard about letting him (and his drama) back into my life willingly. If he's genuinely interested, and there has actually been genuine change and he no longer lives there and has finally gotten his life in order. . .he'll touch base again with that news (instead of making cryptic statements after nine months that really don't say anything at all).; September 6, 2016 at 9:45 AM
Saggi said...: Hi Mirror,

Thank you for your very insightful reply.

Well, I did respond to his text. Kept it polite but distant. However, then this happened:

Me: "Maybe we will cross paths again one day. Take care, Saggi."
Him: "Who knows! Anything is possible. And it would be nice. xx"
Me: "Yes it would be, but you know the circumstances"
Him: "Yup, but my circumstances are changing so I'll keep you posted."
Me: "Oh?"
Him: "Well, it's doing to be a protracted process but I'll be in a different living position in Jan. I'll be getting my own place. I went through a real bad patch for a while, but I'm back to my old self"
Me: ... this is where I told him I had thought about him every day for nine months, but had finally gotten over him the same day he texted (I probably overshared here).
Him: "Oh dear!!! I'm sorry!!! I don't know what to say. I hope I haven't opened up anything bad for you!!
Me: No you haven't, although it was a bit of a shock to hear from you. I almost didn't message you back.
Him: "I don't know why I messaged...It was a spur of the moment thing. Just kinda did it."
Me: "Well you must have picked up the sense that I had finally gotten over you."
Him: "Well I'm pleased you messaged back."
Me: "Yes, you are very lucky!"
Him: "I am lucky indeed! Sleep well!! xx"

The next morning, he texted me with:

"Morning! Hope you're ok. Truth be told I didn't sleep much lol. Have a lovely coffee and a good study day!"

Then he proceeded to text me all day like the nine months had not happened, it was back to normal. I have been replying to his texts, but still a bit distant and cool in my responses. Anyway, it's the next day, and he is still texting me, as if the nine months that have passed did not happen.

Mirror, I'm really confused at this point. Other than the incredible bad timing - my PhD is due within the week and I've been too distracted by his return to focus, but also because I don't know why he has reappeared in my life again.

Is it because he is lonely, and with his likely separation, he has reached out to me because he is in need of a friend and emotional support and someone to cushion the blow of the separation; or
It it because he did genuinely miss me and now that his circumstances are changing, he has reached out to me again.

I'm also really confused by his cavalier attitude in contacting me again. From his texts, it appears he had reached out to me on a whim, and did not mention that he had thought about me or missed me during these nine months. I'm not sure whether this is just a protection mechanism or it was just a spur of the moment thing.

Keep in mind, we were best friends for three years, and this is the man that I thought I'd end up with, and for whom I didn't think I'd ever find anyone better matched. Likewise, he used to the say that he believed he would end up together in the future, and didn't want to lose me from his life.

After nine months, I was finally happy and content with my life and excited about the future. Submitting a PhD is a huge milestone, and I've sacrificed so many years of my life completing it, but now he has waltz back into my life, I feel like it has been turned upside down again.

On the one hand, I feel like telling him I need "me" time, and that he should contact me in January when he has his life sorted. It took me nine months to finally start to get over this guy, and I fear being hurt all over again. On the other hand, I don't want to potentially lose him again, and fear he might meet someone else in the meantime. I guess it would be easier to make the call if I knew what his real intentions were. Maybe he doesn't even know himself.

I'm utterly and totally confused at his point. Mirror, what do you think I should do?

Saggi.; September 6, 2016 at 6:19 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Saggi,
You're making yourself way too available to this man, and you're making it way to easy for him to step right back into your life. What'd he have to do to accomplish that? Think about that for a moment. All he had to do was send a text. And who knows if what he's even telling you is true, ya' know?

And now, this is all placing everything you've worked hard for at risk. You're distracted and it's at risk. All because of a text.

So now the question becomes. .how are you going to protect that? How are you going to protect your future, all you've worked hard for, and yourself? Instead of worrying about him, and asking yourself questions about him. .you need to focus on yourself. And in order to do that, you need to remove the distraction that's causing this.

You're not feeling good about this. His return isn't pleasant, it's causing anxiety. And he wasn't required to prove himself here at all. Making yourself overly available to a man is a sure way to be taken for granted by him soon after.

Talk to this man once every two weeks if you must. But that's it. Being cool towards him means nothing when your still responding. You're responding, on the ready. .and that's all he's seeing.

If he's being honest about his situation, or if he's not. .either way you'll find that out eventually if you put on the brakes here. Don't be foolish and rush in, then find out the truth later. And if he genuinely cares you'll know cause he'll stick around and be understanding.

If you let yourself be guided by your fears and emotions here, instead of logic and common sense. .you will veer off your path and land right in a ditch.

Think of yourself right now. There's plenty of time for this other stuff later. Take a chance on yourself instead of taking one on him right now.; September 6, 2016 at 8:48 PM
Saggi said...: Hi Mirror,

Just a quick message to say - thank you, thank you, thank you! Yesterday I messaged the ex and told him that he was distracting me and that I've got to think of myself right now and focus on finishing the PhD. He replied with "Go girl! Message me when you feel it's right xx". Then he texted me that night with "Just to say I'll be thinking of you Monday xx". I replied "thank you", and haven't contacted him since. I feel a lot more in control and am able to concentrate on the PhD again. You provided the gentle shake I needed. So, thank you. Back to the PhD, due on Monday. Eek. Shall keep you posted.

Saggi; September 8, 2016 at 5:02 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi All. I love this site and all of the great advice and support. I've noticed that a lot of times, we say we are going to tell the guy that we will not be contacting him. I don't think we should tell him that we will not contact him--we should just do it!! As MOA often advises, men understand actions--not words. And I believe you should never tell your "enemy" what your next move is going to be--because he'll only use it against you. So Ladies, Just go complete no contact on him without any notice or forewarning. That's what I did and that made it all the more empowering. And I believe it will make the guy think--about YOU and about what he did to make you just disappear.; September 9, 2016 at 8:44 AM
Unknown said...: Hi Mirror,
I need some advice. I've been in an on again off again long distance relationship with a younger man for about a year. He came on very strong, consistent, and attentive, and things were great. He would call, text, we had weekly face time dates, and he would send me really sweet gifts. After spending a long weekend together out of town last December, he disappeared. When he finally resurfaced, he had changed his mind about a long distance relationship. I was devastated. Since that time, he has popped in and out of my life. The last time he popped back into my life, he lied about having a girlfriend. He said that they had just ended. I contacted her and found out that wasn't true. When confronted, he gave the girl my phone number so she could harass me, took down his social media pages (they both did), blocked me, and disappeared without an apology. This was around my birthday in March (I’m an Aries and he’s a Sag), which he forgot despite daily reminders. He came back to me asking for another chance over the summer. I agreed hesitantly after he promised to make more of an effort, and flew out to visit him thinking things would improve. It's been 8 weeks since we started again, and he hasn't been able to execute ONE face time date (which is what kept us so strong the first time) . All communication is rushed and forced. Our few face time calls never lasted for more than a couple of minutes, and phone calls are short too. He does communicate daily, but usually through text. I prefer calls. He doesn’t care. He seems very disinterested in being with me and what's going on in my life. He can't express or show having any feelings for me. When confronted, he blames me, saying that I ruin everything by constantly pointing out the things that are wrong. I just want him to honor his word, and for things to be like they were in the beginning. I am an attractive woman, and finding dates is easy, but I have no desire to be with anyone else. I tried showing him that other men are interested. He really doesn't seem to care at all, and is confident that he is better than anyone else . The really confusing part is that he *insists* he wants to be with me, and that I'm being impossible. The truth is, given the betrayal of trust and the other woman, I **need** him to put in that effort so that I can feel safe and secure again. He does things like calling me for a few minutes at lunch time to say that he is going home to take a nap and disappearing for the rest of the day and night. Am I being paranoid? Am I being unreasonable to expect him to do the things he says he is going to do? I should mention that he is a busy person (in the military), but I'm a working divorced mom of two. I don't want to lose him, but staying with him under these circumstances feels horrible too. I really love this man and have not been able to truly move on, and I still mourn the loss of the perfect relationship we had in the beginning.

Ms. Heartbroken; September 12, 2016 at 6:57 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Sep 12, 6:57 AM,
"The last time he popped back into my life, he lied about having a girlfriend."

Do NOT waste your time trying to establish meaningful relationships with proven liars. Just don't. It's a complete waste of time. The man is already showing you that:

1) He doesn't respect you.
2) He doesn't care for you or your feelings.
3) He's selfish and willing to lie to get selfish needs fulfilled.
4) He's capable of lying comfortably and early on, which means he'll do it again and again and again later on.
5) He's not trustworthy
6) He lacks integrity
7) He's got hidden motivations

I mean -- the list goes on and one. And it's not a list of positive things. If you know these FACTS and then you proceed with attempts to establish meaningful relationships with men like this. . .you're asking for trouble. You're asking for pain. And you WILL get it.

Seriously, to all the ladies reading here -- save yourselves a lot of grief. When a man lies to you, I don't care how minimal the lie. . .he's struck out. That's it. He's disqualified himself as a man with any real relationship potential. Therefore, dating him is an absolute waste of time and will only bring trouble in the future later on down the line, as his lies get bigger and bigger, and he becomes more comfortable with doing it to you (because he's getting away with it, without consequence).

"When confronted, he gave the girl my phone number so she could harass me, took down his social media pages (they both did), blocked me, and disappeared without an apology. . .He came back to me asking for another chance over the summer. I agreed hesitantly."

After ALL that, all those FACTS - you agreed? I'm sorry to say this dear, but some personal responsibility and accountability come into play in these situations. When you make decisions like this for yourself, even when ARMED WITH FACTS that signal to you that you shouldn't. . .who's to blame for the pain you then encounter, ya' know?

This isn't rocket science. It's common sense. Logic tells us that the best predictor of future behavior - is past behavior. So it should come as no surprise what follows next :-(

Cont. . .; September 12, 2016 at 9:56 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "Am I being unreasonable to expect him to do the things he says he is going to do?"

No - but truth be told dear, you are being a bit foolish I'm sorry to say. You knew this man lacked integrity as a man BEFORE you agreed to let him back into your life. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that a man that was a proven liar and lacked integrity BEFORE you made the decision to permit him in your life again. . .will lack integrity and be a liar AFTER the fact as well.

"I really love this man and have not been able to truly move on, and I still mourn the loss of the perfect relationship we had in the beginning."

Let go of the ideal fantasy of this man dear, and embrace the cold, hard FACTS. Holding onto our ideals and the false illusions initially presented to us is what can keep us bound to a toxic, damaging, unhealthy relationship for months and years.

Think about it. When the FACTS are staring us right in the face -- what good are we doing ourselves by holding onto the fantasy? We are only inflicting self-harm by refusing to use common sense and logic and instead, vibing off of our emotions (which often steer us wrong).

He was a liar before this happened. And chances are he's still a liar right now :-( Which is why once a man has proved to you that he's incapable of being trustworthy and honest. . .he should be disqualified as a man with "potential" immediately. I'm sorry. I know this probably wasn't the answer you were seeking. But I'd be lying myself if I were to not point this out, ya' know?

Focus on the FACTS and let go of the fantasy. The facts exist in the real world, and the fantasy only exists in our minds :-( Therefore, you cannot base real world decisions on illusions that do not exist in the 3rd dimensional world we live in.

Because it's a recipe for disaster.; September 12, 2016 at 9:56 AM
Unknown said...: Dear Mirror,

This is Anon September 12 at 6:57 am. Thank you for the fast reply. I wanted the truth. I appreciate your reality check. He was making me second guess myself by telling me that I'd regret walking away over something stupid like a phone call. I'm busy making him a priority and leaping across oceans, and he keeps me as an option and won't jump a puddle. I know allowing him back was remarkably stupid, but he was pleading and seemed sincere. But broken trust takes a great deal of effort to repair, and he wasnt even willing to put in the effort the put in when he captured my attention. I have a really hard time letting go. I am a single mom of two with very little time and support, and the idea of starting over is so overwhelming and terrifying, that I'm afraid I'm guilty of allowing people to stay in my life longer than they should. It started with an abusive marriage to an alcoholic that ended in divorce 10 years and 2 kids later, and since then there's been a string of relationships with mostly emotional unavailable men, players and such. I am very niave, as I met my ex husband when I was 14. This is my first time in the dating world and it is brutal. I'm a mental health counselor, so technically, I KNOW BETTER!!!But bc I'm a counselor, I'm other-oriented, an empath, and always seeing the good in people (even when it doesn't exist). I guess I have to find a way to let go and forgive myself for being so stupid and getting suckered over and over again. He made all these promises, and didn't keep any of them. I made concession after concession until I just didnt feel secure and safe. He made it seem like he was doing me a favor, when he is the one who pursued me. I think a man should do what he says he is going to do, but that is proving to be hard to find. I've never had this hard a time icing out a manwho cheated though. I divorced one and cut two off without hesitation. I asked for your advice before and it was dead on. I don't know why I'm struggling with this one.....; September 12, 2016 at 10:48 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous, September 12 at 6:57,
"I know allowing him back was remarkably stupid, but he was pleading and seemed sincere."

Don't beat yourself up - we've all been there. And all that means is that you have a big heart ;-)

"I am a single mom of two with very little time and support, and the idea of starting over is so overwhelming and terrifying, that I'm afraid I'm guilty of allowing people to stay in my life longer than they should."

I've been there - many of the men in my youthful past were permitted to stay long after their expiration dates expired LOL. But see - that's why I made the point I made in my first response to you today.

When I did that, I realized that I WAS RESPONSIBLE for more than half of the pain I endured at their hands, because it was me who could not let them go, in spite of how they were treating me, and it was me that clung to them, and it was me that made the decision to stick around for more. I realized that had I walked away from each of them when the first BIG missteps were made by them. . .all of that other terribly painful stuff NEVER would've happened to me.

It ended up being a very valuable lesson. And they don't call them growing pains for nothing - they hurt. But in the end that experience, and those idiot "teachers" LOL, made me realize that WE are 100% responsible for our own happiness. And when we do not protect it, it is stolen from us.

"It started with an abusive marriage to an alcoholic that ended in divorce 10 years and 2 kids later, and since then there's been a string of relationships with mostly emotional unavailable men, players and such."

I hear ya, you're not alone. It's a cycle of negativity that begins to play out that needs to be broken. And the key to breaking it lies within YOU. This is about damaged self-esteem, and not about you as a person.

As a person, you ARE valuable. And you DO have a lot to offer someone. But in order to have someone NOTICE that within you. . .YOU have to KNOW YOUR OWN VALUE. And you then need to do the work of upholding it when dating.

Right now, I suspect that deep down inside you don't feel you deserve "more" than this. And that's likely a result of the behavioral conditioning you experienced at the hands of an emotional abuser.

Long term emotional abuse tends to have us actually believe what's being told to us. Psychologically it happens. So when you have someone constantly reminding you of your faults, and telling you you're not worthy or not good enough, etc. . .eventually, without even realizing it, we can buy into that and eventually believe it ourselves deep down inside.

And then the universal Law of Attraction kicks in. It demands that "like attracts like." What you project out into the world, is what it MUST deliver back to you. So when you project an emotionally damaged state of mind, by the Law of Attraction, it must return "like" back to you - emotionally damaged men.

Cont. . .; September 12, 2016 at 3:11 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Which is why the change has to start with you. Because once you have restored your self-esteem, and you begin to truly BELIEVE you are valuable and worthy, a few things begin to fall into place:

1) You begin to attract like-minded individuals. Those who consider themselves valuable and worthy, and as such are able to recognize YOUR value and worth as well.

2) You will no longer even be able to entertain the idea of dating anyone that isn't an equal to you in that respect. Your gut will have a repulsed reaction to the thought of it, and therefore, you will be unable to do so (and are thus protected by your own values).

And before you know it, it becomes a self-fulfiling prophecy. (Much like how years of abuse can end up becoming the same.)

"I'm a counselor, I'm other-oriented, an empath, and always seeing the good in people (even when it doesn't exist)."

For many of us, being selfish doesn't come easy. For a lot of people out there, it does. But for many others, it just doesn't seem right. But we have to recognize that there's a difference between being selfish for egotistical, nefarious reasons and being selfish as a form of self-preservation.

It's time to be selfish dear. It's YOUR time now. It's time for you to pat yourself on the back for the assistance you lend to others, but then set them aside and pamper yourself. This may sound corny, but for a lot of women - we can take a cue from the Goddess of Reinention herself - Madonna, the Material Girl. In her career, you cannot even count on two fingers and toes how many times that woman has been able to successfully completely reinvent herself. Just about every album is a new persona, a new look, a new energy that shares new lessons, new experiences, etc.

Giving ourselves a tune up as women can do WONDERS for the soul dear.

And instead of doing things like saying, "I have to lose weight first" - you simply embrace who you are, in the here and now, and you go for it. You buy a few new outfits that accentuate your current shape (instead of trying to change it), and that you'd never have even considered wearing before. You push yourself outside of your comfort zone. Then you can get a new hairstyle, and change your hair color. If you're a brunette, go blond. If you're blond, go red. Then you sit down with makeup in front of the TV, and a bowl of water and a washcloth, and you experiment. If you normally don't wear makeup, make it a point to wear even just a bit each day. If you normally wear heavy makeup, consider nudes that enhance natural beauty instead. If you normally wear nudes, experiment with a smokey eye.

You get the point.

Cont. . .; September 12, 2016 at 3:12 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: It's amazing what small changes like this that are slowly implemented on a daily basis can do for us dear. Because you know what happens next, after we take those first steps to help ourselves? (And this is the real reward that can help build your self-esteem back up). People begin to NOTICE. And then they begin to REMARK. And nine times out of ten, those remarkes are COMPLIMENTARY.

And those compliments help to reinforce your self-esteem and build it back up once again. And once that ball starts rolling, it just keeps snowballing until, before you know it, you're feeling good about yourself again and you're in a healthy state of mind.

Every night this week - do something selfish for yourself. Pick something from the things I mentioned and after your children go to bed, it's YOU TIME. And that's the time when you begin making investments into yourself.

"I guess I have to find a way to let go and forgive myself for being so stupid and getting suckered over and over again."

There's no reason to beat yourself up. You're only human. We all are. These things happen. And they also happen to turn out to be some GREAT lessons in life. So don't regret them. Our experiences make us who we are. And someday you can look back and thank all the idiot "teachers" in your life LOL - for making you a strong woman that knows her worth ;-) So don't beat yourself up for having a big heart, and don't beat yourself up for being human.

"He made all these promises, and didn't keep any of them."

In the future, remember this: When a man's ACTIONS do NOT align with his WORDS, it's a big red flag. Alarm bells should start rining in your head, "Alert! Alert!" And when they do, it's time to put on the brakes a bit, sit back and OBSERVE. And when you observe, you're looking for things like reliability, consistency, trustworthiness, honesty, follow through and a moral compass that's pointing North (not South). If you do not observe those things, then it's time to move on.

"I think a man should do what he says he is going to do, but that is proving to be hard to find."

It is proving hard to find. But here's the harsh reality for all us ladies here -- If WE did NOT TOLERATE this type of treatment, then guesss what? Men would HAVE NO CHOICE but to up their game (or go without). It's really that simple. We have the power. (Sorry guys, but we do and you know it LOL.) We have what they want. We just need to stop giving it all away and instead, ask that they earn it. And this isn't some outrageous expectation.

Anything in life worth having requires hard work.

Cont. . .; September 12, 2016 at 3:13 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: You have to earn your living. You have to earn your income. You have to earn respect from others. You have to earn trust from others. You have to earn career promotions. So why the hell is it so outrageous to expect someone to GIVE US that same amount of investment? Why is it so outrageous to expect a man to earn our trust if he's to receive "our goods?"

If a man isn't making those types of investments into you, and he's not doing the work -- he's not worth your time. Period. Case closed. Nothing in life is free. And those with entitled mindsets will prove themselves foolish idiots time and time again. They fail at their careers, they fail at their relationships, they fail period, time and time again.

So kick the loud-mouthed entitled ones to the curb and give the quiet, good guys out there a chance. Because they'll show you how it's done ;-)

"I don't know why I'm struggling with this one....."

I think it might be because you've had repeated setbacks in a row, so now you're more determined than ever to make something work. Because if you "fail" again, it could spell your doom.

We all know that's not true, but it does happen after a series of repeated setbacks. It's human nature to react to a series of failures by trying harder than ever to never have it happen again. Which is great by the way -- but you just have to make sure that the horse you're putting all your bets on is even one capable of winning the race.

You don't go to the racetrack and put all your money down on the horse with the broken leg because the three previous horses you bet on didn't win. The fourth time. . .you seek to hedge your bets on a stallion that has great odds of winning the race for you ;-)

Don't make investments into things that don't even stand a chance of placing.; September 12, 2016 at 3:13 PM
Anonymous said...: This is Rina. Hello Mirror, from Greece :)
I met Scorpio guy online 1,5 year ago. It was the strangest thing because we liked each other without phisical contact. We talked on the phone every day all day, we shared secrets (huge ones), we were laughing, we were talking about everything. He came on strong, big talk from the start but it felt nice and normal. My gut telling me it was right. I liked it. It was the same from me too. He was supportive and sweet and he almost begging for a meeting. I was negative because i wanted to feel safe before the big step (it was a mistake). I was telling him no ALL the freaking time and 4 months later he said that he couldn't do that anymore. I accepted it. 1.5 week later he reappears and said that we can be friends until i am ready to meet him. We had phone sex. We were having phone sex until last time we spoke to each other.
Our communication limited from every day to one or two times a week. We behave like good friends or old good lovers, lol. We talk for hours about everything and we flirt. I believe he is a player though. He had a 6 year relationship, they broke up 3 years ago and nothing serious since then. He also had an affair with a married girl for 2 months but he ended it. I don't know for sure if he has a relationship right now, but i believe he has. I asked him and he said that he is single.
He tells me that i am the only woman in his life that know all his secrets, clean and dirty, and the only one that know all of his dreams. He is secretive and has a closed heart, but i fell that i can open him up. He tells me that i have a good soul and that he admires me. He tells me that he is immature and that "Only you (if you have show me your real character and when you agree to meet me) can help me see things from a different perspective because maybe you are the only one who can read me and help me". Yes, he is a big baby. He plays games sometimes with me. Ignores me and pretends that he cant remember important things. 2 or 3 times he said that he is going to call me but he didnt and i became a volcano.
My dear Mirror, the thing is that i don't want to feel in love with a guy that i never touched. I dont want to feel pain for the fact that we dont communicate often. I dont want to think about him like he was or is my boyfriend. Its so complicated because sometimes he shows me that i am an important person in his life and when he calls me he sounds soooo happy, and other times i feel that he has a girlfriend and i am only a cyber booty call. Last time we spoke he was really happy to hear me (he calls ALWAYS).
I want to meet him but i am afraid that maybe there is another woman or women in his life. Oh, and sometimes i feel like he wants me to chase him but i have learned my lesson and i dont initiate contact like i used to be. I was clingy and desperate but now i want to see him like a good acquaintance or just a friend and i need to stop be afraid. Any thoughts? sorry for my english :); September 25, 2016 at 5:07 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Rina,
If you'd like to get to know this man better, and you'd like to test whether he is serious about you or not. . .then invite him over for a visit. Ask him to book a flight, and a hotel room in a town near where you live (not too close, but close enough), and invite him for a long weekend visit. So that during the day, you two can meet up and talk, do a bit of sight seeing, and he can meet some of your friends/family, too. (So that they can judge his character as well.)

A man that is genuinely interested would DEFINITELY do that, no problem.

A man that isn't genuinely interested will make excuses as to why he cannot do that.

He'll say he cannot afford it. He'll attempt to get YOU to go to HIM (so none of your family/friends can meet him, and so he can get you alone for sex). He'll say that he cannot get any vacation time from work. . .he'll throw out dozens of excuses.

But a man that's genuinely interested -- he plan for this, he'll save for this, he'll schedule time off of work long in advance, and he'll be looking forward to meeting you and your family/friends. And he'll be more than happy to stay in a nearby hotel in order to make it happen, as any gentleman would understand this.

If you hear a bunch of excuses from this man, chances are that he's not taking this seriously and possibly has a girlfriend. If he starts making plans and setting dates immediately to come visit your area so that he can meet you, then it's likely he's genuinely interested and taking this seriously ;-); September 28, 2016 at 8:27 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror, what are your thoughts on the "rubberband theory" especially early on, less than 2months of dating? If a guy you're dating goes MIA for a week or more with absolutely no explanation, isn't that blatant disrespect? Does rubberband theory teach women to be doormats? I can understand needing space in a solid longterm relationship, but before a relationship/exclusiveness is even established? Seems like he is risking an awful lot and not caring. Women are told so many things to accommodate men it seems, but why? Why are we so afraid of "losing" the guy? If a guy disappears and then we are supposed to act like nothing happened when he returns? I guess I feel like that's unacceptable of him no matter who the guy is. A few days MIA and a really good excuse, maybe, but a week? Never. Especially if we both are communicating on daily basis before.; October 7, 2016 at 11:19 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Oct 7, 11:19 PM,
"If a guy you're dating goes MIA for a week or more with absolutely no explanation, isn't that blatant disrespect?"

Yes and no. If he has not asked you for a commitment, and you're just casually dating, you can't expect relationship type treatment. Meaning, you can't expect him to be obligated to you in any way.

However, having said that - when a man behaves like this, his actions are speaking - loud and clear. He's not making you a priority, and he's not leading the relationship towards a commitment. Instead, he's behaving casually and without much concern. And that tells you something.

Never make someone your priority, when all you are to them is an option. Get what I'm saying? If he's not making you a priority, then he's giving you absolutely no reason to make him one in your life. In which case, you "mirror" his behavior and treat him the way he's treating you, to keep things fair and balanced, on a level playing field.

Don't invest heavily into someone that isn't investing heavily into you.

"Does rubberband theory teach women to be doormats?"

Actions don't go without consequences, unless you permit them to ;-)

And I believe all the rubberband theory is really saying is let that tension exist, and pull on that rubberband. For instance, when he does this and creates tension for you, instead of taking two steps forward (chasing him down), you take two steps back (mirror his behavior and pull back), and you pull back on that rubber band creating tension towards him yourself. . .and see if it causes that band to snap him back towards you.

It's not telling you to play dead, it's telling you to pull back yourself (to keep tension on that band). This also helps to maintain a level playing field as well.

"Seems like he is risking an awful lot and not caring."

He is. Which is why you pull back, and don't make any heavy emotional investments into him, and treat him casually, like he's treating you.

"Women are told so many things to accommodate men it seems, but why?"

That I do not know. But as for myself personally, I do not believe in making yourself overly available to a man, or accommodating his every whim. Unless, of course, he's offering you the same in return and is playing fair and treating you like a valuable equal.

"If a guy disappears and then we are supposed to act like nothing happened when he returns?"

If it's a true disappearance when a commitment is in place, to me that's grounds for moving on away from him. If he's dating you casually, does this, and then returns. . .me personally, he doesn't get my full attention when he returns. Instead, he gets treated casually as he's treating me, I don't make any real investments into him, I don't jump on calls or texts, and I don't take him all that seriously. . .until he starts showing me that he's taking me a bit more seriously.

And if that never happens, eventually I bore of the situation and simply move on.

"A few days MIA and a really good excuse, maybe, but a week? Never. Especially if we both are communicating on daily basis before."

It's not impressive, I will agree. And if you're only casually dating (not committed to one another), you have to understand and accept that he's likely dating other women as well --- and you should still be dating other men as well, too. At least until a commitment has been put into place. If not commitment exists, everyone is free to do as they please. It's not impressive, but is fair game (for him and for you).

And if a man fails to impress you time and time again, it's time to move on. You gave him a chance, he was indecisive, he dropped the ball and lost the game. Score = him, zero. . .you, one ;-); October 9, 2016 at 10:37 AM
Kay said...: Can a guy be considered a DM if he doesn't actually disappear for days or weeks? The guy I'm dealing with now is absent in the sense that he texts once or twice a day. He never goes a day without contacting me but it's rarely a phone call. The only time he calls is if I'm upset about something.; November 1, 2016 at 8:19 AM
Anonymous said...: Dear Mirror,

I need some advice. Its been 10 years since me and my first love have broken up. But I have never forgotten him, he always has been at the back of my mind. There were couple of times he tried to contact me since then, and I always was aloof if not ignorant with him. Few years ago we run into each other in the shop by complete accident but had no chance to talk as it was a super brief encounter, and I was with another guy at that time. The next day he emailed me asking if it was really me. We started to exchange emails, it was nice, and he suggested to meet up, but I felt it was not right to do so behind the back of my boyfriend at that time so I dissapeared. We went no contact until next year. So.. last year he confessed that he had never forgotten me either and I was probably the one who got away. To cut a long story short since last year he has been telling me that he is totally up for a meeting but every time it comes to actually booking tickets (we are in different countries now) he dissapears. Its been two times already, the first time was in spring, we talked loads, he confessed things like we are not getting any younger and bla bla, even skyped and he was about to book tickets, but poof dissapeared. I was super upset! Then he contacted me to congratulate on my birthday in the summer and again sort of mentioned that he had time off and he could have been spending that time visiting me, I ignored that. We didint talk until september until he AGAIN texted something like 'oh i have a week off at the end of september, what should I do" I was super aloof and went " you have all the options in the world" and stopped talking. After a month he AGAIN confessed me that he was already about to come and see me in september but I blew him off. So i reminded him the last stunt he pulled on me in the spring and said that I was not going to waste my time for this. He replied to me after 6 days that he had been trying to fix the situation and had been looking for tickets but there were no direct flights to my country now, which is true. I decided to give him the last chance and said if he was to fix the situation it was the matter of now or never. He then asked to skype in the evening, we did talk, I suggested some connecting flights to look at he said he would look at then and contact me later. And again, the same story, he dissapeared. So since then no contact from me whatsoever, Im super insulted he has done it again. He will probably contact me again at some point, Mirror what should I do about it?; November 4, 2016 at 2:41 AM
Anonymous said...: Hello there,

So I would like to ask some advice about a current situation I'm in. I know this may sound resemblant to the other situations but I want to insure I am making the best decision.

So I am seeing a Libra co-worker who is pulling the disappearing act on me. When he did this the time before, he ended up asking me what was the matter on a work platform and all I told him was that it takes 2 to tango. He thought it was amusing that I was upset about it. I told him there was more to it and he said we'd talk later. I ended up trying to call him that night and he ignored it claiming he fell asleep and essentially not talking to me over the phone about WHY his disappearing was upsetting me. The frustration had built up over a couple of days and I texted explaining why I was upset- his wishy washy behaviors happening so soon after we had sex(first person in 2 years), that I feel like a second choice when he knows he's my only (although he claims there's no one else), and the overall uncertainty of whether he'll cut. After which he told me to relax as it isn't a big deal and him disappearing for a couple of days doesn't mean he'd leave. After this he's been great, seeing me a couple of times a week and giving me a boyfriend treatment. Since we've been dating for a couple of months I was curious about his intentions with me, which he said he doesn't know what they are. After that, he's still been very good to me and treating me like a girlfriend but now he's disappeared again fully knowing how I feel. At this point, I honestly don't feel like talking to him anymore.

Honestly, I want to know if you think this is the right decision.

PS I'm a cancer if that means anything.; November 21, 2016 at 8:09 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Nov 21, 8:09 AM,
"He thought it was amusing that I was upset about it."

That's because you being upset about it reassures him that he has the upper hand, and that you care.

"I ended up trying to call him that night and he ignored it claiming he fell asleep and essentially not talking to me over the phone about WHY his disappearing was upsetting me."

When someone treats you poorly, takes you for granted, and doesn't make you a priority -- DO NOT REWARD THEM with MORE of your time and attention.

Instead, deliver a CONSEQUENCE for that treatment: http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/11/dating-when-why-how-use-no-contact-rule.html

Read that piece I just shared above - it's the right decision ;-); November 23, 2016 at 7:33 AM
Unknown said...: I wish I would've read this weeks ago! Met a guy online, we seemed to hit it off wonderfully... After about two months of dating (6/7 dates), his texts started falling off, suddenly he was canceling on me " because I'm working so much OT and I'm tired, etc etc". We had already had sex about three weeks in, and while we didn't have the "exclusive" talk, we both starred we weren't currently seeing anyone else... He started disappearing for days at a time. I never sent more than two texts, hours apart on the first day when he'd do this. The last time was on Thanksgiving; Tuesday came and I was fed up. So I sent him a text that basically said I didn't expect a response or excuse, that his behavior finally got to me, that I got the unspoken message and goodbye. He had also deleted his profile from the site we met on the day before, so maybe he really did feel he couldn't put any effort into dating...but while I did really enjoy his company and felt it could've developed into more, I couldn't take feeling as though I was not worthy of a quick response. He hasn't responded, and I don't expect him to, but part of me is now wondering if he's going to try and pop back into my life later on. Maybe not since I stood up for myself, but we'll see. Reading all the comments has really opened my eyes- lots of great lessons here :); November 28, 2016 at 7:19 AM
Anonymous said...: @Christina Jensen. I've had the same thing happen to me over a year ago (like almost word-for-word, so it is uncanny--heck, it could have been the same dude for all I know LOL), and I can understand first-hand how horrible it feels...but bear with me for a moment: It wasn't your fault in the slightest. A lot of these guys play games--especially with regard to online dating. This man either didn't want a relationship (and wasn't man enough to tell you so that you wouldn't have to waste your time) or he found someone else (and once again didn't tell you so that you could find someone with whom you're more compatible).

There's absolutely no point in wondering if he'll try to pop into your life later...Does it matter? Either way, you really shouldn't answer because he would likely be coming your way for sex. The other reason why you shouldn't answer is this: Why would you want someone who didn't even deem you worthy of a response to your reasonable question? You DESERVE someone who will be supportive, stick by you, and treat you with respect. A good man who is worthy of you will move up the momentum after sex, not treat you as an after-thought because that was all he wanted.

Better days are ahead of you, especially since you've stood up for yourself, and the right man (or good man for you) is well on his way to meet you :); December 1, 2016 at 12:55 PM
Anonymous said...: Dear mirror
I have a question - in a committed relationship (i.e both of u have agreed to go into an exclusive r/s), shld there be communication/chk- in daily or its ok to skip a few days in btw? Shld I be concern that my bf does not msg me daily?; December 2, 2016 at 2:27 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 2, 2:27 AM,
"Should I be concerned that my bf does not message me daily?"

I wouldn't be too concerned - unless you also notice strange patterns of behavior developing as well along with it.

Men like their space. They NEED it in order to be able to actually process their feelings. Men take space to figure out how they feel about a woman. Do they long for her? Do they miss the sound of her voice? They'll receive answers during those periods of absence. So it's not all that unusual.

However, if you notice that he's suddenly started to make new friends and changed his schedule and routine and begins behaving a bit peculiar and there are some patterns developing. . .then that might raise an eyebrow.

But until then - remain confident. Remain patient. Give him plenty of space. And don't let this trigger any insecurities within you, that could manifest as "needy" behavior. Confidence is sexy to a man ;-); December 2, 2016 at 7:14 AM
Anonymous said...: Tks mirror for ur wise reply! Anonymous Dec 2, 2:27 AM; December 4, 2016 at 8:30 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror. The guy I have been dating for a few months disappeared for 3 days. He text me on the 4th day and said that he had been trying to call me all day, but keeps getting sidetracked. He said he would call me that night or the next morning at the latest. Well he didn't finally call until that next night saying that the morning was hectic. I didn't pick up the phone. I just let it go to voicemail. I didn't call him back but then I text him the next afternoon saying I have been swamped and that I would try to call him back in a little bit . I didn't of course. I was going to wait until late today. I just want to give his crap right back to him. Is this the proper way to handle it? What is his I will "try" to call you? Really? That is why I said I will "try" to call him and didn't call when I said I would. Just like he did to me. Trying to figure how to handle from here now. Thanks Mirror!!; December 10, 2016 at 10:29 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 10, 10:29 AM,
"Is this the proper way to handle it?"

Yes. Right now, this relationship is still very new. And you can keep things fair and balanced by mirroring his behavior. That way, you're not getting too invested and you're not letting your insecurities be triggered (causing you to chase him down).

Instead, you're cool, calm, collected and flexible. And you're also showing him that when this happens. . .you're not the type of girl that will come unglued and freak out and chase him down and yell at him, question him, make demands of him, etc.

"What is his I will "try" to call you? Really?"

Well, sometimes life happens. We all have periods in life where other things take precedence. That's to be expected. Maybe things really have been very busy for him. Maybe a personal situation has cropped up that demanded his attention. Either way, remain calm. Do not chase him. Do not question him. And do not become angry.

Mirror his behavior as you've already done and keep your emotions in check ;-); December 11, 2016 at 10:28 AM
Unknown said...: Update: so about a week after sending that text, I received a text from my DM asking if i was working that weekend, bc he wanted to talk to me. Since I was working, he said he'd try to call Saturday night possibly. Nope- but he texted and tried to set it up for a call on Monday night. Nope. He again immediately texted me the filtering muttering saying he was held up later than he expected and he fell asleep as soon as he got home. Ok, so he is working lots of longer hours so I get it, but...? So I try to set up Wednesday to meet for this talk; he finishes quell and says no can do, horrible day, he's not in the best of moods. Thursday he did text me, but just idle chat and when I asked about talking, he said we'd see about this weekend. Radio silence again and it's Sunday. Why on earth would he text me after I gave him the perfect out?!? He didn't have to respond at all, and yet he did, only to mess about again. Grrrrr!; December 11, 2016 at 11:47 AM
Anonymous said...: Ok. Thank you for your response. As always, you are very helpful to us!! Thanks for keeping me in check. Hope you are enjoying the holiday season :); December 11, 2016 at 1:40 PM
Anonymous said...: @pisces from Europe

Hello everybody:) I found this site a week ago and I am so glad I did! If I could get some advice from you, I would be more than grateful as I dont know anymore what to do or how to do it right with this one.
I met a Capr. guy online in February this year. Everything was great, texting, calling, chemistry between us.. he was really gentleman. Pursuing me, arranged dates with me in advance, sending flowers, paying dinners, trips,etc..Fairytale !After 2 months he slowed down, didnt call me every day anymore, texted me every 2 ,3 days, never asked me anymore in his text how was my day etc...as he asked me before every day. In the following 2 weeks after he slow down, he broke up with me, and never gave me a reason why. Ok I thought, thats it! I didnt text him not even once after that. In the back of my mind I assumed there was another women going on in his life.
Life went on...I tried to date again in some time,but I was just not ready for another one. In June he texted me out of the blue, how I was,...I didnt reply..i was thinking, what do you want me to say, no way you will hear from me, that I still care...Hm I thought, lets see..I remained silent. He texted me then in few days again, that leaving me was his biggest mistake in his life and that he will always regret that.He asked me for another chance. He gave me also an apology. After 2 weeks I met with him and we countinued. He is a man of 50y, so I thought that he knows what he is doing. We planned holidays together and just before them, he started to slow down again! Also after 2 months. One week before OUR HOLIDAYS he announced to me that he recently met a woman and he is leaving me. Wishing me all the best in life and that he is sorry that he disappointed me. I am sure this is a woman from a spring season! I was cold as an ice (because I was in complete shock) and I just replay, you dont give a shit how I feel and dont mention to me that you are sorry, because you are not! I wanted to go after him, found him and punch him in his face, but of course I didnt! But maybe I should! I didnt text him either! This time I was really down, I went on holidays by myself, tried to forget...Came autumn..nothing..Came winter, I met somebody new. I am not into this new guy so much, he is a nice guy, I keep my distance with him, I cannot open myself to him, we already had sex and I enjoy. But Capricorn man two weeks ago texted me again. He started Hey how are you? The same day 6 hours later he texted: Ok I understand you dont want to talk with me and you have the right to be so. Next day I texted him: I met somebody new. He didnt reply on this. 3 days ago he texted me: Is good that you go on with your life. Even if I like you a lot, what if that doesnt matter any more? How is your love life?? He wrote this!
....I dont know what to do as I tried 2 times with him and he left me. Could you give me a hint, how to approach him, what to do, how to do it as I still have feelings for him. I think I was his plan B all the way. I would be more than grateful if you could help me with some answers:); December 17, 2016 at 2:12 PM
Anonymous said...: @pisces from Europe

during this day I was thinking about that capricorn guy a lot. I decided I dont want him any more. I read a lot of stories on this site, which help me to open my eyes and see my situation more realistic. He made my life this year pretty miserable, thats a fact. If I let him in my life again, I know crystal clear what can I expect. And I dont want this anymore. I will just leave things as they are. I dont need to explain him anything either. I wrote him already I met somebody. So this should be enough. I will try to go on with my life with this new one, Scorpio:); December 18, 2016 at 2:06 PM
Anonymous said...: Hello Mirror.A guy asked me to go back to his place after our second and third date ,he said just to kiss but i said "no" .I thought i will not hear from him anymore but he called me on the phone and booked me in advance for our fourth date.Mirror,if he will say again to go to this place after our fourth date,should i drop this guy?I really don't like as it may lead to sex if i can't control myself knowing that i am very attractive to him and we already kissed on the second date.

Mirror how to tell or show to this man that i value myself and am not looking for a hook up or any shallow things?When i just say flat "no" i fear that he will not understand it and will try to ask me again.Some friends advice me to tell it straight to his face what i really want and don't want but am not sure if this really work.
But i know that Mirror can give the best advice ever ,so here i am again writing to you.

Thank you Mirror and Have a wonderful Christmas !!; December 19, 2016 at 11:22 AM
Lottie said...: @Pisces,
So sorry to hear about your year with Capricorn man. His behaviour is appauling. I use the term 'man' here very loosely!!

Sometimes we do not want to see the plain facts in front of our eyes, but the hundreds/thousands of stories on Ms Mirror's site are a really good way of cementing the reality and driving home the messages we really do not want to hear. But I am glad that you have made your mind up about him. There are no signs of him evolving into a gentleman and giving you the partnership you deserve. His words are hollow.

You seem in your own words that you are "crystal clear" now about the situation. Keep holding onto that. You owe him nothing.

Sending love.
Lottie x; December 20, 2016 at 5:50 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 19, 11:22 AM,
"Mirror,if he will say again to go to this place after our fourth date,should i drop this guy?"

Well, it might be a bit too soon to drop him, but I certainly wouldn't go back to his place. Although I will admit that because he began behaving like this immediately, and he seems to be pressuring you a bit to go back to his place. . .this could be all about sex for him. Just be mindful of that and don't permit him to place you into a compromising position.

If he continues to do so and you feel disrespected as a woman and as a human being - then it's time to drop him and move on.

"Mirror how to tell or show to this man that i value myself and am not looking for a hook up or any shallow things?"

You don't tell him - you don't have to explain yourself to him or say anything, he's practically a virtual stranger so you owe him no explanation.

All you have to do is SHOW him - through your actions - by refusing his invitations to go back to his place.

"When i just say flat "no" i fear that he will not understand it and will try to ask me again."

All you have to do is tell the truth, and nothing more. You simply say, "No thank you. It's too soon for that and I'm not comfortable with that. I like you - but it's too soon to be asking that of me. I hope you understand."

And by doing that, you signal to him that he's pressuring you, he's making you uncomfortable, he's expecting a lot from you for very little investment into you -- and he needs to be understanding.

If he doesn't understand - then you know he's not a gentleman and you can move on and away from him ;-); December 21, 2016 at 8:20 AM
Anonymous said...: Hey:) from @Pisces Europe
Thanks for your lovely words Lottie :) I'm doing fine and feeling great actually. I feel like my decision to leave this Capricorn man for good is the cure for me. If I just remember what he did to me this year,makes me sick. Really. I don't want ever again turn back to him and I know that walking away from him is the best it can happen to me.
Is good that I met this Scorpio 2 months ago. For now he gave me no worries and i have no doubts. But I will see..Time will show. For now I'm observing him. I'm still in slow mode with him, don't want to rush into anything. I notice that I become more peaceful with him, more satisfied in general. Not as with capr guy when I was super nervous almost every day. So for now things are looking good. Yesterday he said to me, after we were intimate, that he is afraid that he will fall in love with me. I really didn't know what to answer on this, because I didn't expected this at all. So I was quiet. But he waited my answer,I felt so, so I said.. ok..to love somebody is a beautiful feeling, and for sure is not something we people should be afraid of..I think is important to give love to person,who is worthed your efforts time and everything. ... I said I need more time. He understood. Today I was thinking why he wanted to talk about this. Because I see no reason to talk about this at all. But ok.
Wishing you all a merry Christmas !; December 22, 2016 at 1:21 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror. Hope you are enjoying your holidays! The guy that I have been dating for 5 months I feel is starting to act up. He was keeping in touch every other day and now went as long as 5 days without contacting me. I have acted cool, but am starting to get annoyed. He took a day and a half to respond to my text the other day, so I mirrored him and took that long to reply. His text back didn't ask anything about me or ask how my trip was (I went out of town for a week). I think what I am more upset with is that on Xmas day, he didn't reach out to say merry Christmas until 10:30 at night. His text a few days later said what a relaxing weekend he had. But I am thinking, he had a relaxing weekend but couldn't respond to my text with a question I asked and then didn't tell me merry Xmas until the day was almost over! I'm trying to be calm, but it upsets me. Since we have only been dating 5 months, is that too soon to be thinking he should have text me earlier on Xmas? Should I say anything or just keep behavioral mirroring him? Thank you; December 30, 2016 at 10:47 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Dec 30, 10:47 AM,
"dating for 5 months. . .on Xmas day, he didn't reach out to say merry Christmas until 10:30 at night. . .is that too soon to be thinking he should have text me earlier on Xmas?"

No, it's not. While 5 months is not an extremely significant amount of time, it is enough time to have earned a priority position in a man's life. Expecting a man to take two seconds of his time to send a holiday greeting early in his day, rather than later as an afterthought of sorts, is not asking or expecting too much after 5 months of dating.

We're talking two seconds of his time here.

Quite honestly, after reading yours and others stories here recently, I'm not sure how men like this expect to keep a good woman in their life. If they do not show you that they value you, how can they expect you to value them in return? If they do not make you even a small priority, then how can they expect you to make them one in return? If they do not make themselves available to you, or express an interest in you, then how can they expect you to be there available to them at their beck and call? If they do not treat you with respect and show that to you and demonstrate it through their actions, then how can they expect you to treat them with respect and demonstrate it to them in return?

Sometimes, I honestly feel that there are so many "entitled" people walking this earth, that I wonder how in the world they will ever establish a meaningful relationship with anyone. It seems that nowadays, it's commonplace for people to expect rewards for doing absolutely nothing to have earned them. They simply feel entitled to behave as they do, and expect to be rewarded for it - for doing and investing nothing.

How a man can date a woman for 5 months, and then not even bother to take two seconds of his day to wish her a Merry Christmas early in the day is beyond me. When an individual behaves like that, they are signaling that they're tending to more important things first, and you're an afterthought at the end of their day.

Which is fine - as long as they understand that they will receive the same afterthought treatment in return. And they also need to understand that that behavior is not impressive, does not make someone feel special, and does not make them feel important to the individual. And should that individual feel that way -- it can, and most likely will, affect that way they feel about that individual overall.

Behavior like that decreases attraction. It does nothing to increase it or maintain it. So he should not be surprised if your feelings for him change because of his actions, or lack thereof.

"Should I say anything or just keep behavioral mirroring him?"

I would think about whether or not this man is making you happy. You shouldn't have to talk to a man to ask or demand his attention or a priority position in his life. He either wants to give that to you of his own free will or he does not.

And when he does not, and is not, that tells you something.

It tells you that he's not as serious as you are about your relationship. If he was, he would not be taking you for granted. Taking it for granted that you'll still be there, available to him and making him a priority in your life, whether he does the same for you or not. Instead, he'd be thinking about you, he'd WANT to reach out to you, and he'd be concerned for your feelings if he did not.

If you were only a month or two into dating, this may not be so significant. But after 5 months, you'd think you'd have earned some sort of priority position in this man's life. Or that he'd think of you and want to reach out.

For now, I'd mirror his behavior. And while doing so, I'd be seriously giving some thought as to whether or not this man is even the right man for me. Whether or not he's capable of making me happy. And whether or not I even still have strong feelings for him after this casual, careless treatment.; December 31, 2016 at 12:30 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks, Mirror. What you said is exactly how I feel. I am really turned off and it didn't feel good that he waited until the end of Christmas Day to reach out. Wonder if he will do the same on New Years. He is with his daughter out of town. I will just wait a few days to reply happy new year. I feel I should decline if he asks me out when he gets back in town. I don't like the way he has treated me the past few weeks. He started off being really good, but seems to have fallen off the wagon. You are right also that we shouldn't have to talk to a man about getting attention or being a priority. It definitely feels like he is playing games. He was the one in the beginning that said he didn't want to play games, but right now I just think he is being a jerk. I will just keep mirroring him for now, but I am really close to pulling the plug on him and kicking him to the curb!! Thank you, Mirror; December 31, 2016 at 10:46 AM
Anonymous said...: Update to the e-book for today's birthday story. I wished him hb and he gave me some conversation and asked about an interview I had today. When asked about the ebook he said, "you can recommend one, i guess." I said I have one in mind, i wanted to inscribe it, show you how it's done :P That I would have to think about it. So how to get the best of both worlds? I want to send a brief, innocuous note. Sometimes he gives me attention, sometimes he doesn't. We were going to meet once. That's the idea, isn't it? ;-); January 9, 2017 at 1:51 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror

It's been more than a year of dating guys but i haven't meet the right guy yet .
Based on my experience it's like there is no more gentleman out there or maybe i am in the wrong place as i meet them through online dating sites and apps.
Some guys that i'd dated i felt like they are just after for fun,they don't know how to date a woman properly.After third date they asked me to go back to their places and not even talking to me in between dates,seems that they are all looking for casual.

When you said this line "It seems that nowadays, it's commonplace for people to expect rewards for doing absolutely nothing to have earned them. They simply feel entitled to behave as they do, and expect to be rewarded for it - for doing and investing nothing " ...... MOA,I second demotion !! That's what exactly how i think about them.

They even want to have sex with you like as if you are already a girlfriend but then when you gave it they will disappear after.

Also women are to be blamed.There was one guy when i refused to go back to his place,he asked me if i had a bad experience with guys because i am so preventive ,he added that all his ex girlfriends had sex with him on second dates and that i am very different.
What the heck !!

Some people even telling me that courtship is dead ,that casual relationships are what most men and women do nowadays.They slept together too soon and see later if they will click.
I am really very disappointed MOA,i felt like losing hope nowadays.There is no more gentleman, courtship is gone.Also women are to be blamed for giving in and not making the men work harder to win them.And that guy when i asked him what happened to those women that he slept with after few dates..he said that he broke up with them after 2 years as he realized that he wasn't in love with them.He's never been in love.He didn't understand why.Well ,i have an idea ,why.

But anyway thank you Mirror for all the advice that you gave me.It helped me a lot during the dating process.I salut you for doing this.Have a nice day !; January 15, 2017 at 10:47 AM
Anonymous said...: I recently was dating a man for about a month and I can't say much bad about what happened between us. Things were going great! He was calling, planning dates well in advance that were catered to my interest, we had fun, and we would text in between dates (enough, but not incessantly). The week after we were intimate, I started to notice a change in him. He couldn't make a definitive plan for the weekend is his norm (family was coming into town) and although we had one nice phone call, I noticed that if I initiated a text with him, he was now taking hours to respond. Then, on a Saturday night, he text me around midnight saying "Thinking of you", but when I called him the next day his VM was full and he didn't text me back for 9-10 hours. I observed all of this and something felt "off"...it felt like he was running hot-cold. At this point, I finally got curious to look at his FB, saw who is ex GF is (he said they broke up a year ago, but were still friends) and saw that she just "happened" to be in town that weekend. The following week he was still texting (how's was your day?) without making plans to see each other which was annoying AF. We finally make plans, after I indicate subtly face time is needed and ask him some questions about his ex. I learn that he last spoke to her on Xmas Eve (no biggie) and that sometime between then and now, she threatened to kill herself because he is dating again (red flag). Does that make sense to you? I get it might sting, but it's highly dramatic given the breakup was 13 months ago. Even moreso since he says she lives in Canada-- did she think he would stay single forever? None of this is making sense to me. I ended things and he denies she was here and is very upset that I went onto social media to look. He says I "crossed a line" and that now he is "very uncomfortable." I get that it is an assumption of what happened, but things like her happening to be here and a full VM do not help.; January 27, 2017 at 1:24 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 27, 1:24 PM,
"I ended things and he. . .is very upset that I went onto social media to look. He says I "crossed a line" and that now he is "very uncomfortable."

LOL!! Apologies. But it cracks me up when people POST THINGS PUBLICLY ON FACEBOOK, and then have the nerve to GET PISSED OFF at you BECAUSE YOU SAW IT.

It's a sign of deep immaturity.

And if this guy is now feeling uncomfortable, he's only got himself to blame for that one. How people cannot get this, I do not understand. Facebook amounts to a globally published newspaper. Once you publish a public article in it (a post), the ENTIRE WORLD can see it. not only that, they can leisurely scroll through the months and years of your life, seeing all the ups and downs and the undercurrent of emotions and events taking place in your life - because it's all archived there. And it's in a chronological timeline no less.

Prolific users of Facebook are literally creating a global public diary that is archived indefinitely online. And those who willingly do that have no one but themselves to blame when something there is seen by someone that it wasn't intended for.

If he's "uncomfortable" he should be. After all, he's creating a public timeline of his life. I would be uncomfortable with that, too. . .which is why I AM SMART ENOUGH TO NOT DO IT.

If this guy thinks that women he's dated, dating or that he's going to date are not going to look at his Facebook, he's a fool.

He's pulling a classic move called shifting blame. His behavior changed, you were wise enough to notice, it remained changed over a period of time, you became curious enough to investigate, you likely found the answer - and he's embarrassed. But instead of admitting that and apologizing, he's now attempting to make you feel guilty for looking, so that the focus isn't on HIM and his recent ODD BEHAVIOR.

Instead, it's on you and your very normal behavior, that he's attempting to make you feel guilty for. Don't fall for it. It's a "smoke and mirrors" tactic.

"she threatened to kill herself because he is dating again (red flag). Does that make sense to you? I get it might sting, but it's highly dramatic given the breakup was 13 months ago."

It's likely that he's been keeping close touch with her regularly throughout the entire 13 month period -- which is why this feels very fresh and raw to her. Had it ended 13 months ago without any contact in between, she likely would have moved past this and would not be this affected. If this is coming as a shock to her, it's probably because his behavior with her was misleading.

"I ended things and he denies she was here"

Maybe she was, maybe she wasn't. Either way, you found out and now know why his behavior towards you had changed. It doesn't matter if she was here or not. She was clearly the cause.

How did SHE find out he was seeing YOU and dating again? Because he likely told her. They are still speaking, and likely have been for the entire 13 months. If that resulted in drama, that's his problem to deal with and it's not your fault that he got caught up in the web he weaved.; January 30, 2017 at 8:48 AM
Anonymous said...: Sadly, I gave him several "outs" during the exchange to fess up (after all we were not exclusive) and do the right thing -- which was simply to be transparent. It is funny because his posts are public, but he seemed more bothered that I looked at her social media. Probably because he got caught and it was a tiny opening to hang his hat on. It is amazing as he accused me of "following" her; in reality, it took about 30 minutes to conclude what was happening after looking on FB and Instagram. It was a case of half-truth. He had said they were still friends -- I took that to mean they were still friendly and harbored no ill-resentment towards one another. Now, I see that he meant it literally (good to know for another situation) as he said with the most recent bout of drama that they realized they probably weren't going to be friends. I use to hope that these people would come back and apologize, but now I know not to expect such.; January 30, 2017 at 12:20 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Jan 30, 4:06 PM,
"he seemed more bothered that I looked at her social media. . .he accused me of "following" her"

So lemme get this straight. You used Facebook as it's intended to be used. Viewing profiles of those who make their pages and posts public. And possibly (even though you didn't, but let's just play along here) "following" the profile of someone who posts publicly and LETS THE PUBLIC FOLLOW THEM. . .and he's upset over this?

The posts are public. The profiles are public. And the ability to "follow" has been granted to the general PUBLIC. . .and he's upset over this LOL??

When you lay it out in black and white like that, you begin to see how ridiculous it is.

Public profiles and public posts grant the general public viewing capabilities. And when you take that a step further by providing the general public the ability to "follow" your public profile and posts as well. . .you really don't have the right to be upset that the general public can see your posts, see your profile and follow you LOL ;-)

MORAL OF THE STORY: THINK BEFORE YOU USE SOCIAL MEDIA FOLKS. THINK BEFORE YOU POST PUBLICLY. AND THINK BEFORE PERMITTING THE GENERAL PUBLIC TO FOLLOW YOU.

If you're going to have a problem with any of the above - DON'T DO IT. It's really that simple. Don't blame the people taking advantage of the advantages YOU HAVE GIVEN THEM. Blame yourself for not thinking first before using social media.

He has no one but himself to blame dear. And if he's upset that this woman has permitted the general public to follow her, then he should take that up with her, not you ;-); January 30, 2017 at 4:17 PM
Anonymous said...: The funniest part is all of his posts are still public! He has changed his privacy settings at all. But let's be honest, he is just mad he got "caught"...so what else is going to do? Sadly, I think its a rare man who will step up and take accountability in this day and age.; January 30, 2017 at 5:02 PM
Anonymous said...: These guys really know how to reassign the blame, don't they? They tell you that YOU are doing things that make them uncomfortable, YET, they only have themselves to blame because it's THEIR behavior that really caused the "uncomfortable-ness". Yep, been there and done that; February 2, 2017 at 11:53 AM
Sarahali_3922 said...: Hi Mirror

I tried to comment on the disappearing man article but I see it's reached its limit of 5000 comments.

I wanted some advice on a guy I was seeing (he's not a Taurus).

We met via online dating. We both were clear to each other that we wanted to settle down and were looking for marriage ultimately.
We had two great dates and the week before th next one was planned he was messaging me constantly saying lots of sweet things. Then came the weekend and poof he disappeared for 24 hours. The week that followed I initiated all the messaging and his responses were slow, sometimes after a couple of hours (which is normal) or at times a whole day. The messages from him were generally nice but as a woman my intuition knew something was up. On Sunday afternoon I messaged him asking if he was free later that evening to catch up on the phone. He read my message at 12.30 at night and did not respond. Since then (it's now Tuesday) I have not called or message and after reading your article I am not planning on either. Just wanted to know how long I should see a response out of him? I know it's hard for you to tell me as every individual is different but I can't get my head round how he went from 100miles an hour at me to nothing in the space of a weekend??? Something is not adding up here . Any advice would be amazing!!! Thank you!!; February 7, 2017 at 2:45 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Sarahali_3922,
You should not cease dating other men, simply because you went on 2 dates with a different one. Online dating is intended for people to meet each other, mingle, become friends, get to know one another - and then see if anything romantic develops from that.

You should be getting to know more than one man at a time. Because not every single man you date is going to become a romantic partner. Sometimes things will progress, sometimes they won't. But you should never stop and sit and wait for one.

Why?

Because chances are that's exactly what he's doing right now. He's online - dating other women. He has not committed himself to any one women, he's only had 2 dates with you, you have no commitment or obligation to him. . .and he's likely out there dating others, mingling, getting to know them, etc.

Which is why you should be doing the same thing. That way, when there's some distance or even a disappearance. . .you're not really focused on it (you don't notice because you're dating and meeting other men, too), and you're not left behind (you have an active, full social life unfolding daily).

"Just wanted to know how long I should see a response out of him?"

You shouldn't be waiting on him. There is no commitment in place. He may return, he may not. He may contact you in a week, he may contact you in a month. If you keep moving forward and dating other men and expanding your social circle -- you'll hardly notice the time anyway ;-)

"I can't get my head round how he went from 100miles an hour at me to nothing in the space of a weekend?"

He's likely dating other women dear. He's not your boyfriend, and he has not made any commitments to you. You're not his girlfriend, and you've made no commitments to him. When people are online dating, you have to expect that they WILL be dating others. . .until they've asked you for a commitment. If that has not happened, you have to assume they will be dating others because that's what they're online to do :-(

Don't worry about one man that you've had only 2 dates with. Instead, continue moving forward, meeting other men (no sex), getting to know them, having fun expanding your social circle. . .and see if any of them become a romantic interest.

Don't sit back and wait on one man. Keep living your life and continue dating others. After all, that's what YOUR online for, too. So enjoy it. It's harmless to hold conversations and meet others on a date, as long as you're not jumping into bed with them immediately. It's more or less socializing while prospecting for a romantic partner - nothing wrong with that, it's innocent fun - so enjoy it! ;-); February 8, 2017 at 8:34 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror. I was dating this guy for about 6 months. It seemed that he was getting lazy and not planning our dates in advance like he did in the beginning. He also would reach out every other day and it seemed to get longer and longer in between contact. He would go 3 days, then 4 days. He at first would apologize for being a ghost and say he was really busy, but funny that he would acknowledge that he ghosted me. We had a date the Wednesday before last which he was late for. He blamed traffic (he lives an hour away). We were going to play racquetball then go to dinner. He text and said he wasn't feeling week so we would play it by ear. But then when he got stuck in traffic he said he guesses we will do that another time. He also has stopped picking up the phone. He knows I would rather him call me then text and he is text only mode now. Anyway we had dinner then he went home. I asked him to text me when he got home. He never did then he did not contact me until last Thursday so it was 8 days. He said that he has been trying to get over his chest cold for the last week. Then he said he normally asks me out earlier but the week got away from him but said he didn't make any plans Friday, Saturday or Sunday and asked if I would wanted to get together. I was very pissed for him not reaching out for 8 days. He said he was sick but really you can't reach out because you have a cold?? I thought that was so lame and then he was asking me out last minute for the weekend. I ignored the text and he would normally pick up the phone and call me and he has not. I thought I would Mirror him and not reply for 8 days like he did to me, but at this point I am thinking no contact for at least 30. What do you think? I am just annoyed at the way he has been acting and I don't want to be treated like that. The 8 day disappearance did me in. I could have said something back to him about disappearing, but I thought ignoring his text would send a better message to him. What do you think? Thanks, Mirror :); February 8, 2017 at 9:20 AM
Anonymous said...: In regards to the above poster, I would just add, this type of behavior is rampant in today's world. I don't even think it means someone is always actually dating others-- he could merely be sitting on his couching scrolling through profiles THINKING about dating others. Or he could be doing a million other things. Train yourself to stop trying to figure it out (which creates misery) and go inward. Ask yourself if you want to be with someone who (1) disappears 2) is lukewarm and (3) is possibly inconsistent. Because you initiated with him for a week after he disappeared for 24 hours, it *may* have caused him to be turned-off. But beware - because I think emotionally unavailable do stuff like this subconsciously - and because it can be confusing/disconcerting, all of a sudden the woman who was being pursued, is now the chaser. Train yourself not to initiate when their is a gap of silence. Let the silence inform you about what kind of guy you might be dealing with. If I was dating a guy I liked who went off the radar for 24 hours, it wouldn't be a deal breaker, but I would proceed cautiously and I would not initiate. I would wait until he demonstrated is "in". Beginnings are tough in this day and age; you don't really know who you are dealing nor and are only just getting use to how they communicate. Put yourself first and have some "texting rules" so that you can allow yourself to evaluate the guy and protect yourself. I have trained myself not to over-text in the beginning and its made life easier. I am responsive, and I tend to initiate the next text after a guy has done something positive. But early on, I very rarely text them and let them initiate me. It avoids me from feel like I am pursuing them and reminding them I'm alive. That is their job!; February 8, 2017 at 11:02 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 8, 9:20 AM,
"He did not contact me until last Thursday so it was 8 days. He said that he has been trying to get over his chest cold for the last week."

Not buying what he's selling there. I understand that when folks are sick, they're down and out for a while. But to disappear for 8 solid days without one word, text - nothing - on a woman you've been dating for 6 months, without even EXPLAINING you're ill. . .doesn't add up.

"I am thinking no contact for at least 30. I am just annoyed at the way he has been acting and I don't want to be treated like that. The 8 day disappearance did me in. I could have said something back to him about disappearing, but I thought ignoring his text would send a better message to him. What do you think?"

I would agree. If you're upset with him right now, probably not best to see him anyway. You won't have an enjoyable time with him. And you'll feel as if you're powerless in the situation.

If a man isn't treating you right, is taking you for granted or simply isn't making you happy and appears to care less about it -- distance yourself from him.

Because it could be that at the end of the 30 days, you may decide you really don't want anything to do with him anymore anyway. (Especially if he does nothing about your silence / absence during those 30 days.); February 9, 2017 at 5:35 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror,
Dating a guy for 3 months, lots of daily text contact but not much seeing each other. We did have sex once. He claimed to be "working a lot". He said I love you after 2 months but I did not say it in return because I felt he had not earned it in the sense that he was not spending regular time with me. It was mostly texting. Anyway, after this conversation where he said I love you and I did not, he just ghosted me, stopped texting and calling all together. I resisted the temptation to write and ask what was wrong. I fully expect a man to explain if he is having a major issue with us. He was always silent and not forthcoming with information.

So I decided to mirror and ghost him! The man is a coward if he can't say what's on his mind. I read on various coaching websites that men don't like to "talk about their feelings, they withdraw into the cave". Where is their responsibility for communication in a relationship then? how can they get away with sitting back and saying/doing nothing? Some coaching websites are telling men to do this, make a woman wonder about you. It is ridiculous.

I have taken your advice about mirroring a man's behavior and not contacted him at all for 3 months with the plan to move on. He hasn't bothered once to follow up or phone. My question is: Is it your opinion he ghosted because I did not say I love you back, or just a coward's way of playing mind games?; February 9, 2017 at 9:10 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks, Mirror. I did think he was full of it also. I feel like he is the king of excuses. Too many things that he was doing that pissed me off. I'm sure he was doing some game playing and he doesn't like that I never initiate contact with him. I think I did maybe 2 times this whole time we dated and he took forever to reply to me and said he was working where there was no signal all day. See more excuses! You taught me well not to initiate :) it has been a week now since his text and two weeks since our date and he has yet to pick up the phone. That says a lot so I definitely think I will want nothing to do with him at the end of 30 days because I already don't now!! Definitely good to check out and keep my distance. Thank you, Mirror :); February 10, 2017 at 1:58 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 9, 9:10 PM,
"Some coaching websites are telling men to do this, make a woman wonder about you. It is ridiculous."

I don't consider those legitimate coaching sites - they're PUA sites (pick up artist). And they're geared towards sex and getting laid versus establishing meaningful and lasting relationships.

When a man has to resort to manipulating a woman in order to have sex with her. . .he lacks the confidence and social skills that true gentlemen have. Gentlemen do not need to resort to manipulation, because they're confident men that have honed genuine social skills, and they know that the best way to win a woman over - IS TO TREAT HER RIGHT.

Those manipulation sites make men work harder than they have to. It's MUCH easier to simply treat a woman right. Less lies to remember, less bullshit to dish out, less stumbling over your words, less story telling, etc.

"Is it your opinion he ghosted because I did not say I love you back, or just a coward's way of playing mind games?"

Likely a gaming tactic meant to trigger your insecurities so that you'd chase him down, begging and pleading, and then throw yourself into his lap.

When you did not fall for it - he knew you were too smart to go for the game, so he moved on (to easier prey).

You dodged a bullet. Be thankful ;-)

His actions validate that his words were not genuine. Does a gentleman that is truly in love with a woman disappear on her and leave her hanging simply because she's not ready to go there yet?

NOPE.

A gentleman will be - a gentleman about it.

He's wise, and he understands. He's confident, so he doesn't bolt. Instead, he stands strong and he gives the woman plenty of time and he adjusts his pace to one that she's comfortable with. . .and he wins her over.

Cowards and wolves in sheep's clothing run from places that real men do not FEAR to tread.; February 14, 2017 at 5:10 PM
Anonymous said...: MOA, I would like your advice. This is the girl chatting online with the guy in Europe.
This guy is making overtures to meet again—in a couple months time, like early summer.
I would like your advice on how to talk to him. I have been avoiding him for most of today.
He’s already talking about sex and I would actually like him to “romance” me a little. Romance is his word. I mean, I might like to hook up with him, but I’m looking for a relationship not a hookup.
I think what’s key here is most guys will play like that to see how much they can get out of you.
I won’t reprint our whole conversation, but here’s what’s important:
“I like your brains, you’re smart and ambitious, not some stupid empty headed bimbo, but you need to be into the things I’m into.”
“If not you’re wasting my time”
I said to him I don’t want anything serious, at least not yet anyway. (Here is where I make him “think” I don’t want anything serious.)
He says “I don’t think I’m asking for anything serious. You aren’t the kind of girl I’m interested in being serious with. But I wouldn’t mind having some fun with you. That doesn’t include dinner and romancing you.
I do want to keep talking to him and I’m trying to let him lead.
Thanks in advance!; February 27, 2017 at 3:39 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Feb 27, at 3:39 PM,
"I’m looking for a relationship not a hookup. . .I said to him I don’t want anything serious, at least not yet anyway. (Here is where I make him “think” I don’t want anything serious.)"

Your words and actions need to align. If you make him believe you don't want anything serious - then he will never take you seriously. If you pretend you don't want anything serious, and then you suddenly start behaving as if you DO want something serious - he will feel betrayed.

"He says “You aren’t the kind of girl I’m interested in being serious with. But I wouldn’t mind having some fun with you. That doesn’t include dinner and romancing you."

He's telling you right there that he DOES NOT want anything serious with you. If you DO want something serious. . .he's already letting you know he won't provide that. So basically, this will be a waste of your time - because he does not want the same thing you want :-(

"I would actually like him to “romance” me a little" - but he says "That doesn’t include dinner and romancing you."

He's doesn't want what you want dear. He's looking for a hookup and nothing more. He's telling you that he WILL NOT romance you, as you wish.

I do not think this man is worth your time - because he does NOT want the same things that you want. As a result, he will use you - and then likely disappear afterwards :-(

We cannot control others. We can only control our reactions to them. When a man tells you his intentions, and they are not the same things you want - if you proceed, you will likely be used and then discarded. Do not walk into that. He's being very clear about his intentions here - if you proceed KNOWING what his intentions are, but you think you'll change his mind - I can guarantee you dear, that will NOT HAPPEN. Because we cannot control others. We can't force them to like us, love us, or want a relationship with us.

This man is looking for a hookup and nothing more. He has already stated that does NOT include romance. If you want a serious relationship and romance. . .this is not the RIGHT man for you dear :-(; February 28, 2017 at 10:29 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror. I had to share this with you because it is kind of comical, but I did piss me off. I met this guy and we have been on 2 dates so far. We are set to go out on another date tomorrow. We had agreed to go get a certain type of food. He asked where we were going to go. I suggested a place, but did ask if he had any others in mind. He suggested a place that is a supermarket, but it has a restaurant. I'm thinking really? He wants to take me to a supermarket for a date! It gets better. I went back and asked about the restaurant I originally selected. He came back and said he could ask his mom to cook that dish for us and that she is a really good cook. Are you kidding me right now! This man will be 50 and he is suggesting his mom cook us dinner?!?! I didn't reply because I'm just really floored and shocked by this. He sent another reply a few hours later saying that we should go to the restaurant that I originally selected. I still haven't replied and almost want to cancel. Is it just me or is this pretty whacked??! Thanks Mirror; March 24, 2017 at 2:01 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Anonymous Fri, Mar 24, 2:01 AM,
"He suggested a place that is a supermarket, but it has a restaurant. I'm thinking really? He wants to take me to a supermarket for a date! It gets better. I went back and asked about the restaurant I originally selected. He came back and said he could ask his mom to cook that dish for us and that she is a really good cook. Are you kidding me right now!"

Well, uh - okay then. WTF LOL.

The saddest part to me is that this is a grown man. A grown man that cannot seem to be bothered to put one single ounce of thought into dating. A grown man that is not concerned whatsoever about impressing the woman he's attempting to date. A grown man that is not concerned whatsoever about the impression he's giving of himself to this woman.

I'm not sure where society went wrong but if this is the best (or even average) men have to offer these days well then. . .enjoy mama's cooking guys.

And don't get me wrong, I understand times are tough financially for some. I get it. But seriously, if you take 15 minutes to put some damn thought into your actions, your approach - and the woman - you can do better than this and still maintain your budget.

If this is this man's "best self" well then, good luck to him.

Guys just a word here (because I know you all silently stalk the hell outta' this website LOL). . .if times are tough, you have options:

1) Don't speed date. Instead of dating 3 random women a week, 4 weeks out of the month - save your money for two nice dates that month with a special woman.

2) Think like a woman. We don't need $100 meals at expensive restaurants. But we DO need to think you at least give a shit about us. Women don't necessarily like "things" as much as they like great "experiences." Dinner at a supermarket isn't going to be a memorable experience. But if you find a neat little bistro, cafe, coffee shop or pastry shop with seating that serves awesome baked goods (bonus if there's outdoor seating in a great setting), invite the woman there and treat her to a sampling of the pastries. A lot of women these days watch their waistlines and this isn't something they'll often do for themselves (so it's a special experience). A beautiful day, outside under some trees or in the sunshine, with a plate of beautiful pastries to share and good conversation can be a quaint, memorable experience.

3) Appetizers appeal to women. Ever watch that show Bar Rescue? If you do, then you'll know that studies show that bars and restaurants that serve neat appetizers that women can pick at during conversation do significantly more business than those that don't. Many appetizers in restaurants are created with women especially in mind. Invite the woman to a restaurant for appetizers (not dinner). "I know this great place that has these neat appetizers, would you like to join me there for some?" That way, she won't be expecting dinner. . .but you're still delivering the dining "experience" to her without breaking your budget.

Cont. . .; March 24, 2017 at 8:06 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: Now that I've got that out (trust me guys, it's really not that hard or expensive - think "special experience"). . .back to this man.

I don't know why but when his mother came up, before you've even had one date with this man, and then his age was revealed. . .I find my gut telling me that "budget" isn't really the issue with this man here. My gut is telling me he's cheap -- and he's an overgrown mama's boy that views women as doers for men (servants), instead of viewing men as leaders and providers of sorts. My gut is telling me that he sits around like king of the castle while a woman (his mother) runs herself ragged tending to his every need. Hell, he even offered his mother up as the cook. So what's that tell you?

I suspect this man is having trouble with preparing a date because he's never been able to view a woman as anything other than a servant to men. He can't wrap his head around the fact that he has to impress one in order to win one over. He likely thinks you just show up as a man and voila' - the woman feels special because he's granted her with his presence.

And I imagine that, had you agreed to letting his mother cook for you on your first date. . .you'd be doing the dishes in the kitchen with her afterwards while he parks his ass on the recliner with the TV remote in his hand in the living room and is served coffee there by yours truly - mom - afterwards.

That's the general "vibe" I'm getting from this one.

Needless to say, I think I'd pass on this one. He'll have you doing his laundry and bringing him his slippers by the 3rd date LOL.

And for men reading this (and you know you are), think "special memorable experience" when dating. . .and for God's sake, please don't mention your damn mother - and don't disrespectfully offer the poor woman up as the cook!

When women scout for a mate, they pay VERY close attention to how the man treats his mother (because that's pretty damn close to how he'll treat a woman as his girlfriend or wife). If you treat her like a built in servant, or you're rude and ignorant to her and you don't value her or treat her with respect - women are not going to be impressed with you.

And whether you like it or not guys, you've got to impress a woman by bringing your "best self" to the table from day one if you want her undivided attention from that day forth. Just like a woman needs to impress you with her manners, her appreciativeness of all you've done for her, the way she carries and conducts herself, her confidence, etc. if she's to garner your undivided attention from that day forth.

It's a two way street. Mom may not require that of you to love you -- but your girlfriend or wife WILL. Because your girlfriend or wife is NOT YOUR MOTHER, she's your EQUAL.; March 24, 2017 at 8:07 AM
Anonymous said...: Listen to MOA!! I can think of at least 5 things off the top of my head that this guy could have done that don't cost a lot of money, but still show that he thinks highly of you and wants to show you a nice time. Girl, keep it moving.; March 24, 2017 at 7:27 PM
piscesgirl said...: Hi Mirror! pisces girl here:) just wanted to come back to say that the dating advice you provide is still the most valuable and empowering that Ive found on the internet so thank you for continuing to do what you do <3 I recently had a guy I was seeing pull a disappearing act I haven't heard from him for a couple of weeks now which is very irregular since he used to be in constant contact but I did notice that since things got intimate his communication was on the decline like he stopped being as sweet and messaging me as much as he did before(go figure) and even though I tried really hard to not be too accommodating or available so i would still be a challenge hes never gone this long without any communication so its driving me crazy wondering whats up but I wont give him the response he is probably expecting which is me messaging him saying something like oh I guess you forgot about me which is what I would of done in the past. I wont give him the satisfaction of knowing I even care. I really do believe he's testing me to either gauge my level of interest or because he's one of those insecure guys who needs a girl chasing him to feel better about himself. He's also in the music industry so I think he was getting a little high on himself because he has an album coming out soon and I was probably adding to inflated self esteem by making him feel way too good about himself but regardless of his reasons I know im not powerless in this situation Ive learned that the best thing to do is just sit on my hands and do nothing. Let your silence speak since that is the language men seem to understand best. I didn't even remove him off my social media because I don't want him to think I even care. I want him to see me happy and smiling and continuing to live my life-all I did was unfollow him so I don't have to see his updates and I definitely don't like his stuff anymore but I didn't block and delete like I normally would of done. I really don't know why i haven't heard from him I wish I knew what was going on in his head but unfortunately Im not a mind reader. If hes trying to garner my attention this is not the way to do it and hes going to realize that. We were social media friends for a while now and he would always try to see me and I would never gave him a chance till recently and we got together and I thought all was fine and dandy-he told me he enjoyed his time with me and it felt so good being with me. If hes playing a game of some sort I will gladly play right along and I know hes thinking about me because hes not getting the reaction he is expecting. Im different and I feel so empowered that im not operating from a place of insecurity, feeling anxious and worried even though I do feel that Im never gonna let him know that or act on that because in the past when I tried to communicate my feelings the outcome was still the same and then I felt stupid for not being strong and showing the guy I cared when he didn't give a shit at all. That was the old me the new me knows better than that.; March 27, 2017 at 3:18 PM
piscesgirl said...: Im still smiling even though it hurts and I feel sad and confused, I have a feeling ill hear from him again (since they all come back around at some point) and when he does ill just act non chalant and say if u want talk we can talk and if u don't wanna talk we don't have to talk-period. No asking questions no delving into anything I just don't have the time or energy for that anymore. I read this quote "Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong. It reminded me of this site because if we have to ask and question and wonder and seek advice about the guy we are dating or talking to chances are we already know what the answer is deep in our hearts and minds but are just hoping for a different outcome. Anyways thank you again Mirror I know I haven't posted for a while since my last situation (neighbor) im proud to say Ive had no communication with him for months now. He never did deserve my time of day and when I see him around now I don't smile or acknowledge him he is just someone I used to know. Best of luck to all you ladies as well with whatever situation you are in. Never take off your crown for any man because none of them are worth it.; March 27, 2017 at 3:18 PM
Anonymous said...: Thanks, Mirror. I was so close to canceling. He did end up taking me to the restaurant that I originally suggested. Part of me thinks that he was trying to see if he could get away with it. I do agree with you in that I think he is being cheap. He wears his Gucci belt and Gucci shoes, but suggests a supermarket for a date! I still can't believe he offered his mom up to cook. My brother said he couldn't even imagine doing such a thing. You are probably right in that he is a momma'a boy because he said that his mom is so nice and that she would spoil me. She probably spoils him and does everything for him. I definitely won't be doing his laundry lol I have two boys of my own and that is enough laundry!! He did do one thing on the date that I thought was rude. His cousin called him and he picked up the phone and had like a 5 minute phone conversation. It wasn't anything that couldn't wait. His cousin just wanted to know about being able to stay at his second home while on vacation. I took out my phone and just started texting one of my friends and when he got off the phone and started talking to me then I kept looking at my phone and not at him lol. I almost wanted to walk out. Next time I probably should. Ugh. Has that ever happened to you? If so how did you handle? He was leaving to go out of town on Wednesday and said he wanted to see me before he left. Well, I told him I was busy lol I really am thank goodness. He asked if I had the WhatsApp and said we could talk while he was out of town. I said oh yea doesn't it let you talk for free? He said that it wasn't about that (of course it is), but that he could send pics through that app, but can't with regular text messages. I believe you can still send pics via text while out of the country, but probably have to pay for it. I know it is wise to watch what you spend $$ on, but this guy seems to flaunt like he has $$. He may just be all talk. Time will tell!!; March 28, 2017 at 1:07 AM
Gem50 said...: @ Anonymous 3/28 @ 1:07am.
"... I almost wanted to walk out. Next time I probably should."

If there is a next time, give yourself permission to walk out, and then calmly walk away with your head held high.

I did this with a guy I was dating last summer who invited me over to his house for dinner. When I got there he was on the phone and cooking. I sat down and after about 5-10 minutes, I walked over to him and quietly said I was going to go because he was busy. He asked me not to go and said he'd get off the phone. I went back and sat down then after hearing the same conversation repeat itself again and again, I got up and calmly walked out. No words, no anger, just walked out leaving him talking on the phone (and his two 30-something yr old roommates staring at me in awe) LOL

He called my house when I got home with an apology, "... I'm tired, you are tired," blaa blaa.

That was the first time I ever walked away from a man treating me poorly like that and it wasn't easy. I wasn't comfortable with it, and I was very aware of every step I made -- I felt like I was walking myself out with dignity right there taking each step along with me.

That was a wonderful piece of practice for me, and now I wouldn't hesitate to do it again if treated the same way.

Ladies, when someone treats us poorly, we don't have to take it. Trust your gut when it's telling you something is not right, and if it's your first time, consider it practice while you are walking away.

Hugs!; March 29, 2017 at 8:39 PM
Anonymous said...: @Gem50
It´s so very true what you wrote. Thank you for this reminder - I need it because I have been in similar situations too and in most cases I didn´t walk away.

I´ll give you some examples, maybe they will make you smile:

We met, went to a café, we placed our order, were served, when he suddenly produced his mobile phone, put it on the table and said: "Could you please look after my mobile, I need to go to the toilet?"
I said:"Of course". And sat there for about 10 minutes sipping my coffee. When he finally came back, he was nervous, paid and we left. I kept sitting there because I was looking after his mobile and I didn´t realise that it was probably his way out. However, I am still not sure what exactly it was about because later he sent me an e-mail asking if I thought we could give it another chance LOL. Fortunately, I didn´t like him at all so I survived this date without bruises.

Another case: We met, sat down in a café, talked a bit and out of the blue he said: "You should buy some new clothes" (I was wearing high heels, make-up, everything. Nobody had ever complained before). And I didn´t get up and leave simply because I was so shocked that it didn´t even occur to me.

The worst first date ever: I didn´t like him when I saw him in person but I joined him anyway. We went to a café, he was very domineering and overpowering and I did my best to adapt to his ways (obviously, I should have left instead). The worst part was when he started telling me about his love life (I didn´t ask him, mind you). His ex-wife was beautiful because she was a dancer. She didn´t want him but he courted her and won her over. Recently he had had a girlfriend of 8 years. They had met at a spa, he felt good in her company and fell in love with her. He made a lot of effort to help her in many ways but when he needed help recently, she didn´t reciprocate. The love charm dissipated. He broke up with her. But he still likes her very much as a friend, just the following day they were going to the cinema together. (I was speechless and thought: Well, before we met he liked my (realistic) photo so why this insensitive talking? Sigh) And I didn´t leave because I lost my power, I really felt bad and weak.

But I am learning. My most recent date was with one man who I had been corresponding for quite some time. We met, talked over a cup of coffee but there was no connection. Suddenly he said: "I didn´t tell you I wasn´t divorced. I didn´t consider it relevant as I am only looking for a hook-up." (He lied, in his profile he stated he was single looking for a serious relationship). I got so angry when he said it that I got up in the middle of my coffee, put on my coat and left the café without a word. And as Gem wrote - we don´t have to take poor behaviour. Sometimes it´s difficult to orientate oneself in the situation which starts fine and develops into something impolite but practice makes perfect.

Have a nice weekend and keep smiling,
Hopeful; March 31, 2017 at 4:17 PM
Anonymous said...: @Gem 50. Yes, that's a good place to be. Last summer I went to an event where the guy I was seeing was also attending. I'd gotten there first. When he arrived, he didn't even speak. I know he saw me. So after the program,I left. He probably thought I was going to act like some groupie and run up to him. Well he had another THINK coming. The next day, he sends me a text asking how I liked the program. I didn't even answer. I mean, Seriously??!!; April 1, 2017 at 9:04 PM
Gem50 said...: @Hopeful,
Good for you with the last date and walking away without a word. I tell ya ladies, these jerks expect things to go two ways when they pull something like this jerk did with Hopeful: they expect the woman to go along with them (success), or for her to go bat shit verbal on them (a minor setback) and they'll move on to their next attempt (victim).

If we instead say nothing and remove ourselves from the situation, they don't expect it and do not know what to make of it. If they have any sense of manliness and character to them, they will think about their actions later. If they don't have either, what good woman will want them anyway?

Your former stories had me chuckling Hopeful, not at you, but with you. Reminded me of Orange: I had been on double dates with him a couple times, met at my house once and went out and then spent time at my house later and I sent him home without getting intimate with him. On 4th date, I went to his house with a cooked a meal I made at my house (an hr drive), he did the fixings. Just before dinner was heated and ready to be put on table, he made a negative comment about something at my house and went on and on about it ridiculously. I so wanted to get up and leave, but I didn't, I froze. I took it, and not only did I take it, I stayed for a movie. Then when he wouldn't stay off of me on the couch, I went to bed with him. (can we say Shit-show? lol) I couldn't get out of there fast enough in the morning, and THEN this jerk had the balls to tell me that he was disappointed that I slept with him. WTF? lol I ended up calling my old therapist for a few visits because I really thought it was "Me" and not these guys. LOL (I could slap myself silly right now thinking about it all hahaha, and of course, this was before I found Ms. Mirror's site ;)

Hey Miss Mirror, Hopeful may have touched on something: how about a new section on this site of dating horror stories and how women handled it, the good, bad and ugly LOL. Could be hilarious and great lessons learned (of course, no names lol) and would probably hit a record in speed of reaching 5,000 haha

I am so proud of you Hopeful for walking away from that loser the way you did. Good for you!; April 2, 2017 at 7:56 AM
Anonymous said...: Thanks, GEM50! I appreciate it. It seems like to would be uncomfortable walking out, but I totally agree that we don't have to take a man treating us poorly! I need to make sure next time that I do walk out. It is really rude to do that while on a date! I'm so glad you walked out on your guy. That was a long time formhim to keep you waiting. Unbelievable! Especially when we have taken time out of our schedule to spend time with them and they act like we aren't there. Good for you and thank you for your advice :); April 2, 2017 at 7:20 PM
Anonymous said...: @Gem
Thank you:-). It takes me ages to learn new behaviours but I am learning.
As for your story - it definitely is not you, don´t even think about it. I don´t want to spread negativity but the truth is that some of these men (especially those on dating sites) are really horrible. They are nice enough to lure you to give them your number or go on a date and then they literally throw their baggage at you and when you are shocked in disbelief they enjoy it - the only power they have over a woman. At first I also thought it was me but I realized that in "real" life I have never met with such arrogance and hatred towards women as with the internet men, generally men are positive towards me. If I hadn´t experienced it first hand, I wouldn´t believe it was true. So let´s be careful and not let these strangers diminish us in any way.
Take care,
Hopeful; April 13, 2017 at 11:29 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Mirror. You are really spot on with your advice. I met this guy online. We have been out on 2 dates. At the end of the 2nd date, he wanted me to come back to his hotel room (he lives an hour away, but was down for work and got a room for the night I think hoping I would go there). I told him no. Then I didn't hear from him for 4 days. When he did text me the 5th day, he said he had to be in a city nearby early Sunday morning and would be good if I was kidless and would invite him to stay the night. No hi how are you or would you like to get together or anything. I almost felt like he wanted to just use me for a place to stay so he didn't have the longer drive the next morning. Anyway, my friend told me to say that I am not that easy and that I should be courted and wined and dined before any sleepovers. He replied that it seemed that I just wanted someone to feed me and buy me stuff and that doesn't work for him. I told him it wasn't about that. I just like someone to get to know me before I go to bed with them. He replied that he took me to a brunch and a dinner and had only kissed me. He said he thought I was looking for someone who makes more money than he does. I told him I did enjoy the brunch and appreciated it. I told him I just felt that he wanted me to go to bed with him because he wanted me to go to the hotel and wanted to come for a sleepover. He said I guess you will never know. Good luck to you. I said good luck to you to. I thought what an ass! Wouldn't you feel that way also?; April 26, 2017 at 10:17 PM
Confused1061 said...: Sorry for a long post....But please provide your views...
I'm 24 and the guy is 31. I was dating him for 3 months We had common interests and got along very well. We were both committed to each another although once when he went clubbing he told me he indulged in grinding and that night when we were to speak I was kept on hold for 45 mins so he could tell certain girls who were calling him that he was not interested in sleeping with them.
At the end of 2.5 months of our dating, we got intimate. A day later he wanted to see me under my building at 3am (nothing sexual just a gn - My parents are staying with me) but I told him I cant because I was unwell. Later he hardly called me and did not text me like he does usually. He later told me he was unwell. I didn't mind and said nothing. However, after his health recovered he hardly called me and replied to my texts with minimum words. One day, I told him I had something important to talk but that night he went to sleep and never asked me wat was it. We used to speak at night but he said he no longer wanted to do that and wanted to sleep (its another thing he went clubbing instead 4/7 days). I didnt raise any issue as sleeping early suited me too. He hardly ever initiated any contact and I had to always take the first step. Plus he no longer wanted to talk to me after he came home partying.
This pattern continued for two weeks then one day when we were discussing our future (on watsapp) I told him I want to be independent of my dad in the future. He got hurt (he is very rich and his parents are rich too). I apologised the same day realising I hurt his pride. He said he wants to party and not think about it. I tried calling him the next day but he didnt answer. I asked him if he wanted to talk about the previous day and he said no. A day later I texted him n we spoke random stuff. He later taunted me for the comment. I texted him my perspective. He didnt reply. I texted him the next morning but he was very cold. He stopped answering my calls and something happened two days later when I really needed him and when I asked if I could speak to him he was like I will call later. He didnt call or ask. I still texted gm to him everyday but after three days I got fed up and told him to treat me better. I told him he was dealing in an immature manner and I didnt expect him since he has strong relationship examples at home. I recd no reply. The next day I said sorry to him. He said he can’t date me anymore because I called him immature and said harsh things to me (all over a text message).
One week after the break-up he says he needs my help but after ten minutes he says it got sorted. I just replied an ok. Two weeks after the break-up he calls me at 2am and we talk. I apologise to him (I get none from him), he said he wants to get back but when he saw my watsapp pic which didn’t have his pendant on my neck he said I was a ‘piece of crap’. A week later, I texted him that thanks for playing with my emotions (no reply for him). A week later he sends me a love song link at 5am (I’m sure he was drunk). I told him not to do this again. A week later, he sends me an update on the stock he recommended to me. I just said thanks.
I don’t understand why is he playing with me? More importantly I cant understand why is it taking so long for me to get over him? We hardly dated but its almost two months after the break-up and I’m not over him even though I know he didn’t treat me well. I still want him back!; May 6, 2017 at 3:55 PM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: @Confused1061
"I was kept on hold for 45 mins so he could tell certain girls who were calling him that he was not interested in sleeping with them."

That does not sound right to me. Honestly, it's rude - and we have NO IDEA what he was actually doing or saying to any of those girls.

It sounds like he's just throwing his sexual opportunities in your face to trigger insecurities. Would you keep him on hold for almost an hour, running through your list of sexual opportunities to reject them?

That just doesn't seem like normal behavior -- it seems like "player" behavior.

"he hardly called me and replied to my texts with minimum words."

But wait - didn't he just supposedly commit himself to you by taking an hour to run through his list of women to reject them for you? And now he'll hardly speak to you?

More player behavior.

"he went clubbing instead 4/7 days"

More immature player behavior. At the age of 31, you'd think he'd have more serious priorities in life.

"He hardly ever initiated any contact and I had to always take the first step."

Why chase this man? He doesn't sound like he has much to offer you. And if you want to know if he's genuinely interested in you, the only way you're going to find that out is if HE pursues YOU. And in order for you to see if he's going to do that, that means that you need to stop pursuing him.

"I told him I want to be independent of my dad in the future. He got hurt (he is very rich and his parents are rich too). I apologized the same day realizing I hurt his pride."

What the heck does your relationship with your father have to do with this man's pride?

"He later taunted me for the comment."

Why? Because he's a 31 year old grown man running around acting like a child partying 24/7 without any responsibilities and living off his parents?

That's his problem.

"I told him he was dealing in an immature manner and I didn't expect him since he has strong relationship examples at home."

This man isn't mature enough to be one half of a healthy relationship. He's too busy partying and running away from life and all it's responsibilities. He's not investing in the relationship, he's not making it a priority, he's not making you a priority, he's avoiding communication, he's treating you ignorantly. . .I'm sorry dear, but he's not a man at all. Not even close. He's a child emotionally. He lacks emotional maturity. He's living off his parents. He's irresponsible.

He's never going to be a good provider or a good husband for anyone until he decides to grow up. And that likely will not be happening any time soon unfortunately.

"He said he can’t date me anymore because I called him immature"

Yea, sometimes the TRUTH HURTS. He IS immature and HE KNOWS IT. Which is why this is bothering him so bad. At the age of 31, to be living like this is quite honestly embarrassing - he SHOULD BE EMBARRASSED.

"One week after the break-up he says he needs my help but after ten minutes he says it got sorted. I just replied an ok."

Why are you still even speaking to this man-boy?

Cont. . .; May 16, 2017 at 9:09 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "I apologise to him (I get none from him), he said he wants to get back but when he saw my watsapp pic which didn’t have his pendant on my neck he said I was a ‘piece of crap’."

Oh I see - so now YOU'RE the piece of crap. Not Mr. Peter Pan Man Boy who's running around at the age of 31 acting like a 20 year old club kid living off his parents. Yea, you're the one with problems and he's perfect. I see.

Dear, this guy is an absolute moron. I'm sorry, but it's true. Why are you still speaking to a man that calls you names, treats you ignorantly and could really care less about you or your needs at all?

People can only treat you as poorly AS YOU LET THEM.

Do you want more of this? Is that why you keep circling back? In doing so, you're sending him signals that it's okay to walk all over you, call you names and treat you ignorantly, because you'll still be there no matter what because you don't value yourself highly. That's what you taking him back and continuing to speak to him is telling him dear. It's telling him that you don't value yourself highly, so you'll tolerate poor treatment.

You need to stand up for yourself. Who cares if he walks away forever, he's got absolutely nothing to offer you anyway. You can do MUCH BETTER than this dear. You ARE WORTH IT. You do DESERVE IT. And you ARE VALUABLE.

"he sends me an update on the stock he recommended to me."

LOL!!!!

"I don’t understand why is he playing with me?"

Because you permit him to do so. And because he's emotionally immature enough to do so, and he's an insecure man. Putting you down and mistreating you likely makes him feel better about himself, more "manly" and in control. . .because he's NOT in control at all, his parents are.

And when you keep picking up the phone and responding to his texts, it's game on with him. He starts to pick on you, call you names, criticize you, etc. He's probably projecting all of the things his parents do to him at home onto you. If you think this man's life is perfect, I'd bet $10K that it isn't. I'd bet that his parents ride him daily about his lifestyle.

Think about it. His parents have worked very hard to get where they are I'm sure. In their joy they have a baby. That baby grows up and never does anything with the life they've given him -- except take advantage of it, and treat others poorly, and use women for sex, and go clubbing as if it's your job.

All the opportunities that this man's parents have enabled him to have in life -- and THIS is what he does with it???

He's playing with you dear because you're permitting him to play with you. If you don't answer the phone, the games stop. If you don't respond to his texts, the games stop. If you don't contact him, the games stop.

See how much CONTROL YOU HAVE? See how much POWER YOU HAVE that you're NOT USING? You have the power to make the games stop. You simply have to use it.

"I cant understand why is it taking so long for me to get over him?"

It's taking longer because it's never really ended yet. You're still speaking. You're still responding to texts. And you're still texting him. That's not over. As a result, this situation is still very fresh.

Cont. . .; May 16, 2017 at 9:11 AM
The Mirror of Aphrodite said...: "I still want him back!"

Why? What did he do for you that you're missing so much? What did he offer you that you're now missing out on?

Was he telling you how much he loved you everyday and how he couldn't wait to come over that evening to spend it with you? Was he making a lot of time for you? Was he taking you out on nice dates to enjoy dinner or a show together? Was he giving you thoughtful gifts? Was he helping you a lot and doing nice things for you? Was he taking you away for weekend trips or vacations so you could spend time together like a couple? Was he a good listener? Was he lending you support when you had problems? Was he sending you flowers when you needed to smile? Was he calling you regularly? Was he rushing over to see you after work?

This man has NOTHING TO OFFER YOU dear. He was not a good boyfriend at all. He did none of the things that real boyfriends do. What is there to miss? And why would you want a man that has nothing to offer you, and that did absolutely nothing for you -- back again?

This guy is going to get left behind in life dear. Don't attach your horse to his cart, because he's not going to lead you anywhere. While everyone else around him, including you, continues to grow and evolve and strive for success and independence in life. . .this man is clubbing his away.

In 9 years he'll be 40. He's going to be the 40 year old man in the club full of 20-something's. All his friends are going to be married by then, raising families of their own, and working on their careers. . .and he's going to be clubbing.

He's going to get left behind in life. Everyone else is going to eventually out-pace him and outgrow him, including YOU.

When you're 34 and he's 41, and you have a career and you want to start a family and have children of your own and possibly even own your own home. . .this man is likely still going to be clubbing.

You'll outgrow him one day dear.; May 16, 2017 at 9:17 AM
pisces girl said...: Hi there Mirror and you ladies! I shared a story about my neighbor a little while back. He lived down the hall and we were hanging out pretty regularly and things did get physical and then he started to pull away and it hurt me because at that point my interest in him had grown and I was getting excited to see him whenever he would stop by but eventually that was becoming less and less and so was his communication.; May 17, 2017 at 4:12 PM
pisces girl said...: Anyways he started acting like he didn't care and I had enough so I text him on December 13, 2016 and basically told him I want nothing more to do with him in 2017 and he was never worth my time of day and he can keep hanging out with those girls that he meets in the club (another 30 something 'man' in the clubs every weekend) because im on a different level than that. He never replied and I left it at that. For the first few months it was really difficult I was thinking about him a lot I thought we had good chemistry and I definitely became more attracted to him the more we spent time together but when he changed and made me feel like I wasn't good enough and I felt like I was chasing him I knew that had to stop. So many times I was home lonely and I wished he would call me or text me or come knocking on my door like he used to or id be at work busy and i would think about him and miss him. Well all I can say is when you let someone go as difficult as it may be you need to just get yourself busy and do things to keep yourself busy and look after yourself-hobbies, friends, family, get your hair done, nails done, exercise-just treat yourself like a queen because you deserve it and other men will take notice too! that's exactly what I did and when I would see him around the condo I would keep walking I wouldn't try to be a friendly neighbor with him anymore and say hello because he was rude to me and brushed me off and he didn't even deserve that. Well fast forward 5 months down the road and I was pulling into my parking spot in the parkade and when I looked up there he was standing there he was going to his van. I could see him looking at me like he wanted to talk but I got out of my car shut the door and kept walking didn't even give him a second glance. Im glad I was looking good too I got hair extensions and i feel like i have been looking my best and feeling more confident and ive been getting more attention from guys too. So that evening I was at home (this past Friday) and to my surprise I get a call from him! I just stared at my phone I was really surprised he was calling but here is what I did- Nothing. I didn't answer that call. The best thing we can do is sit on our hands and do nothing honestly. So next thing I know I hear a knock on my door I looked through the peep hole and it was him, again I didn't answer. He kept knocking though so finally I opened the door and there he stood with a coconut in hand. He knows coconuts are my favorite. He said it was a peace offering and went on to explain how at the time he was going through stuff and he couldn't give me the time and attention I wanted. I basically told him he was acting like a jerk and asshole when I was nothing but kind to him so I turned down the coconut and I was already sipping on some coconut water when he answered the door so i said thanks anyways and then I shut the door. I just couldn't believe it. 5 months to the day since I sent him that text and there he stood at my door trying to make amends with me, but it was too late and the funny thing is I didn't feel that same attraction for him that I once felt. I wasn't happy or excited to see him though a few months ago or even just a month ago i probably would of been. I feel like he actually did me a favor because ive met someone better recently who takes me on weekend getaways and treats me like a queen and wants to take me shopping and do all these things for me that I know I deserve. Other than spend time with me my neighbor didn't do anything for me.; May 17, 2017 at 4:13 PM
pisces girl said...: So it was a proud moment and im sharing it because if you think you will never get over a guy and youre sad and lonely just know that wont last and use that time to invest in yourself and hopefully you will meet someone who deserves you and even if you don't at least you wont have a deadweight in your life. The next day I was coming home from work walking towards the building and he was parked in his work van and pulled down his window and tried to make small talk. I was cordial but not very friendly. He mentioned again how he was going through stuff and i told him i wouldn't have known that since he didn't communicate with me and i sent him that text and he didn't even reply. He said he drafted one but never sent it. Excuses excuses.. anyways he said i looked pissed off and he hopes im not harboring negative feelings towards him i told him i don't hate him but 5 months later and now he wants to talk like wtf>!>!he said i should try to remember the good memories we have and i told him i create new memories i don't hold on to old ones and with that i walked away and then he got out of his van and asked me how my cooking show was going. He used to always encourage me to have my own cooking show since i love to cook and bake and he thought i would get a lot of male viewers. i just kind of ignored it he was trying to spark a memory in my mind. Point is- its too late. I realized what happens in the male mind when a female stops caring, calling, texting they start thinking about you more they admire your emotional strength as well. And if they see you looking your best and still living your life suddenly their attraction is back and you have become a challenge again to them. Either that or things didn't work out with one of the girls they were seeing when they were drifting away from you. Do not let them come back after they are done effing around. If someone can go 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5 months not talking to you or asking about you let them go another 5 months and don't ever let them back in because chances are they were never worth your time of day and there is nothing wrong with you, it is them and they are immature man boys who will probably never grow up. So don't put them on a pedestal just think about all the loser qualities about them and how they treated you and made you feel and keep being your best so that when they do come back around you can shut that door in their face it really is the best feeling.; May 17, 2017 at 4:13 PM
Anonymous said...: Hi Pisces Girl. I remember you (and your posts ) from last summer. I posted that your neighbor/crush reminded me of my neighbor/crush. I'm glad to hear that you are moving on. Yes, these guys need to recognize that we have no time for their games and foolishness. Guys like your neighbor (and mine) are nothing but time wasters. They want to be chased and when you do chase them, they call you "needy". Don't fall into their trap! Leave him alone so you can meet a man who will treat you right.; May 23, 2017 at 10:35 PM
piscesgirl said...: @ Anonymous 10:35pm I remember you too! hope you are still NC with your neighbor and yes you are exactly right they are big time wasters. They love when girls chase because they are insecure and the attention builds their fragile self esteem but us women are different we don't chase -we replace. He took me for granted and when I completely fell off his radar he came back around thinking I was just gonna let him back in so easily. I wasn't having it and luckily my attraction for him fizzled out over time though it took at least 3 months. I realize a lot of my attraction for men its not purely physical it increases when they communicate with me a lot and give me a lot of attention that's when I start thinking about them more and becoming more attracted to them so when they stop spending time with me or communicating as much the opposite happens-I become less attracted to them. Sure I might still think about them but eventually over time I seem to just forget them and move on. Of course its a little harder when you have to see them around all the time . One tip is if they are on your social media unfollow them and DO NOT try to see what they are up to or look at their pictures or anything like that! Part of no contact for me was cutting all connections and that really did help I stopped being so curious about him- out of sight, out of mind as much as I could and when I would see him around I quickly looked the other way and kept walking. No hi, no small talk -unless I come directly face to face with him and he tries otherwise he doesn't get anymore of my time and attention or friendly neighbor thing. I dont wanna seem like im harbouring all this hate and negativity towards him because honestly im not anymore now I just feel kind of sorry for him now hes like a tall kid in a grown mans body and I still see him rollerblading in the neighborhood I just think its kinda funny and that day he came holding the coconut as a peace offering I felt kinda bad turning him away but I just couldn't let him back in.
Thanks for your support <3 Stay Strong!; May 29, 2017 at 12:13 PM

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