"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

Why You Should Not Date Insecure Men

I’m pretty sure that when you set out to start dating, you didn’t intend to date insecure men. But the reality is that’s exactly what ends up happening, and most times, without you even realizing it.

Insecure men are actually quite adept at attracting the perfect “victim.” And much of this goes back to the theory of the Law of Attraction which states that “like attracts like.” In otherwords, similar energies are, by nature, naturally attracted and drawn to one another. Which means that your insecurities, can actually be drawing insecure men back towards you.

An insecure man needs constant reassurance and validation of himself as a man, and his ideal woman is also insecure and feels “unworthy” of love and therefore, is eagerly willing to constantly sacrifice herself and her needs, thus directing all of her energy towards being his biggest “cheerleader” in life, and completely losing herself and her own identity in the process.

The Negative Cycle of Co-Dependency



This exchange of energy leads to a co-dependent relationship in that, he’s dependent on receiving the constant reassurance and support he needs from others (her) to keep himself feeling like a man, and she’s dependent on receiving the validation she needs to feel “worthy” as a woman by constantly proving herself “useful” to him.

But there’s a problem. This is one-sided and not equal. The man is “receiving” on a constant basis, while the woman is “giving” on a constant basis. (And for any men reading here, this piece is obviously geared towards women. But understand that much of this works both ways and the roles can actually be reversed.)

It becomes a feeding frenzy of negativity. A theme of “reassurance and acceptance” starts to play out. He needs to feel reassured and validated as a man, and she needs to feel accepted and worthy as a woman.

Are You the Perfect Victim?


Insecure men generally tend to seek out women who are an empty vessel. Meaning, similar to a blank slate, much like a brand new computer on the assembly line that’s just been pieced together, with an empty hard drive that’s ready to be programmed. Insecure men do not want to be challenged or questioned and they will eventually flee from strong women who are able to assert themselves. (Hint, hint ladies – “the disappearing man.”)

Insecure men prefer a mild woman who will worship them, not question them, not challenge them, and instead bend over backwards to please them. They prefer a woman who is very pliable and one who makes herself available all the time, forcing her to place her own life aside. (One of the reasons why very young, naïve women are highly sought after by men. It’s not always about sex.) Having that type of a woman makes an insecure man feel good about himself and more like a man.

Insecure men are an emotional wreck internally and to hide that from the rest of the world, they actually become very adept at overcompensating by creating a very refined external image that makes others believe they’re actually very successful in life.

What an Insecure Man Looks Like


Insecure Men Tend to be Loud, Boisterous Frat Boy Types

Insecure men are the guys that are the loudest in the room, the guys that are the life of the party. They are the guys that brag a lot about the successes they’ve had (20 years ago as a high school football player). They are the guys that, when challenged by other men verbally for their offensive behavior, either run away or throw a punch instead of providing a smart intellectual rebuttal (because they have no good excuse for their behavior). These types are usually found wearing Affliction Clothing line tees and True Religion jeans with heavy white stitching, sporting a few tattoos, dig MMA, have a close buzz cut on the sides, treat dating like a sport and have dined on a plethora of steroids. (This explains why they’re always exhibiting hostility and are usually “top heavy” with giant arms and a big upper body that is teetering on skinny legs).

Insecure Men Tend to be all Talk and No Action

Insecure men are the guys who are all talk and no action. The ones who have a tendency to constantly “school” others in a “know it all” fashion in an attempt to fool them into believing they have valuable knowledge to share with the world - while they produce no actual viable results whatsoever.

Insecure Men Tend to Exaggerate Stories

Insecure men are the guys at the bar telling exaggerated stories of sexual conquests with the ladies, yet are never actually spotted with a living, breathing one by their side. Insecure guys tend to have a long, long line of “crazy” exes in their past (not just one or two who truly may have been emotionally off balance), yet fail to realize the women weren’t all crazy and instead, were simply women who called him on his crap all the time.

Insecure Men Tend to Exhibit Offensive, Obnoxious Behavior – Towards Everyone

Insecure men are the guys that are quick to point out the flaws in others. They are the guys that drop small “negs” (negative comments) all the time directed at those around them, in order to bring insecurities in others to the surface, so as to misdirect anyone from noticing their own flaws and insecurities.

Insecure Men Market Themselves Well

They are the guys that have learned to “sell” themselves quite well on the surface, when in reality, they have no job, no car, are skipping out on child support payments and financial debts and are living in their parents basement.

Insecure Men Are Narcissistic Attention Whores

Insecure men are the guys that go around approaching women in nightclubs that are complete strangers and asking to take a selfie with them, and then publishing these photos to social media sites, thereby making them look like they’re in demand with the opposite sex. Their Facebook page is a constant stream of party boy selfies with the occasional self-deprecating post geared towards garnering a ton of compliments for themselves. As a matter of fact, I saw one recently that read, “I’m going to quit being such a man whore and start looking for a good woman.” (As if good women are going to jump at the chance to be with an old man whore.) And to my surprise, that comment garnered a lot of “Awe, you’re not that bad of a guy” responses from women. (Clue: If he’s telling you he’s a man whore – then that’s exactly what he is.)

Insecure Men Can Tend to Look Like the Cat That Ate the Canary

Can you say “smug?” Yea, insecure men create the impression that they’re very self-assured.

If you’re looking at a guy and he’s constantly sporting a “Billy Idol Smile” or a silly Cheshire Grin, and you get the feeling he knows something you don’t know – guess what?

He DOES know something you don’t know. . .he knows that you’re the canary and he’s about to swallow you whole.

Insecure Men Pull Stunts to Create False Appearances

They are the guys that, when on a date with them, leave their phone out on the table and are all too proud to openly inform you (and constantly remind you) that women all over the place are chasing them down. Yet they fail to mention that all the texts and calls they’re receiving are actually responses to the lame “hey” text they sent to every single woman in their Facebook account and on their phone 15 minutes before meeting up with you - so they can receive all these responses in front of you, thereby creating the impression that they’re in demand with the opposite sex.

Insecure Men Are Lazy, Lack Ambition and Seek a Free Ride – Single Mothers Beware

Insecure men are completely okay with riding someone else’s coat tails to the top, namely a woman’s. If there’s not a financially eligible woman to latch onto, they’re usually okay with a mediocre “status quo” for themselves (such as living in their parent’s basement). And when I say financially eligible woman, I’m not talking about a woman earning $100k a year. A lot of times, a single mother receiving financial assistance, child support and food stamps can fall victim to an insecure man because she’s got a home, food on the table, a reliable income stream, and an already existing living situation that the man simply slides right into.

Insecure Men are Flaky, Inconsistent and Full of Empty Promises

He’ll keep you floating on empty promises that he never fulfills. He’ll be like a magician who disappears and reappears at will. He’ll stand you up or cancel last minute for what he considers honest to goodness dates, which are most times actually sofa dates. And he’ll make good use of the learning theory called the random interval reward system to keep you hooked:


Insecure Men Cheat and are Opportunists in Life

The needs of insecure men are so hefty that many times, almost all the time, you’ll find that they’re also cheaters (insecurity and cheating tend to go hand in hand). Because the needs of insecure individuals are so very hefty, many times it takes more than one individual to fulfill them. Even if they weren’t outright seeking to fulfill those needs from several others, rest assured that when the opportunity presents itself - they will take the offer up. This is the reason that a lot of the cheating that occurs with insecure individuals is actually “opportunistic” in nature. When someone has cheated on you and you ask them why, if you hear responses along the lines of, “I didn’t mean to hurt you, it just happened” – then you know you’ve been bitten by an insecure man who took action on an opportunity that presented itself.

Insecure Men Move FAST

In the beginning, they lay it on thick and heavy, telling you everything they think you want to hear, zipping you into the bedroom and a relationship with lightning speed. (Warning: Moving too fast is a big red flag.) They’re pulling a number on you and the speed at which it takes place is mean to disorient and distract you from their real motivation – which is to use you and control you until they decide they’re done with you. They're not good at consistency though or maintaining any of this initial "flowery" behavior, which is why it's important to make a man repeatedly prove himself to you for a consistent length of time. The flakes won't be able to keep it up and they'll soon run once they realize they'll have to work to win you over.

Insecure Men are Emotionally Unavailable and Have a Shallow Orientation

Their inner world will rarely, if ever, be anything you get a peek into. They’re usually immature jokesters who won’t “get real” with you and they’re not interested in hugs and kisses, long talks, affectionate caresses or fulfilling your emotional needs. Being with them feels more like having a child to take care of instead of an intimate lover who’s an equal to you. Their primary goal is to get their own needs met, much like a child, which usually has a shallow orientation focused on nothing but primal, sexual needs and survival – and nothing deeper than that.

Insecure Men are Adept at Using Guilt to Their Advantage

Insecure men are never responsible and never accountable. And if you attempt to make them become that, they are not above spinning that back onto you somehow and making you feel guilty for asking too much of them, and not accepting them for who they are and what they have to offer – which is nobody with nothing to offer other than a mere presence in your life.

The Words and Actions of Insecure Men Do Not Align

Insecure men are men who say one thing – yet do something else completely different. Their words never align with their actions and in essence, they’re full of crap and constantly spewing a lot of BS at you.

The Manipulation


Insecure men (and women) are incredibly manipulative. They’re very adept at getting their negative needs fulfilled by others (because they can’t provide that for themselves). One can almost view them as the vampires of society in that they tend to suck the life out of those they’re partnered with via the hefty need for constant reassurance they have. “Maintaining “ them becomes a full time job.

An insecure man is not much of a provider, he’s more of a taker (the vampire) and contributing in any way other than his mere presence in your life is really not going to be his thing. He may work a mediocre job for a while at your behest, but eventually he’ll have a personality clash with someone at work or he’ll get a hang nail or some other ailment that he’ll use as an excuse to get the hell outta’ there - and then he’ll blame you for the entire debacle.

That reminds me of a National Lampoon movie with Chevy Chase and Randy Quaid, who played Cousin Eddie. Cousin Eddie is an insecure guy, constantly attempting to impress Clark and overcompensate in ways that ultimately make him appear as a buffoon. When asked about his job, his wife (the ever willing cheerleader in his life) does damage control and tells people, “He’s holding out for a management position.” And then it’s pointed out that he’s been holding out - for 7 years.

The End Result of Dating an Insecure Man


Insecure men won’t lift you up – they will only ever control you and pull you down, down, down with them – to their level. You can tread water for a while, but eventually, you’ll exhaust yourself, you’ll never be able to get ahead, you will feel like a 200 pound ball and chain has been tied around your ankle that you just can’t shake, and you’ll realize that it’s either sink or swim. You’re either going to go down with them, or you’re going to have to get away from them.

And mind you, if you don’t leave them first, nine times out of ten, they will eventually leave you. . .and most likely - in a lurch - and much worse off than when they met you.

After all, they are the vampires of the world and once they drain you of your life’s blood, much like a vampire, they have no use for the empty carcass that’s left behind. They are relationship jumpers who consider 3 and 5 month flings honest to goodness real relationships. And if they’re married, guess what? Most times, they’re still conducting those 3 to 5 month flings on the side anyways, or taking up the various one time opportunities that float their way. And beauty isn’t what it’s about when that happens, it’s about their insecurity.

Ever notice how many times the “other woman” in a situation like that is always a hot mess of sorts, and you wonder why the heck the man risked a relationship with a great, beautiful woman for – a bar fly that’s akin to a doorknob who’s permitted everyone in the building to take a turn? It’s rarely the Pamela Anderson’s or Scarlett Johansson’s of the world that play that role. . .it’s always some unassuming, non-descript woman that was like a scrap left on the floor for bottom feeders that leaves you shaking your head asking, “Why, why?”

The reason why is because the woman was pliable and therefore - made a good victim - and fulfilled a shallow need at the time. Remember, insecure individuals are very “needy” (man or woman).

Loyalty is not their thing and they will start to be dismissive of you entirely (not that they were ever really that attentive to you and your needs in the first place), eventually disposing of you when another more promising opportunity (victim) comes along. And if you have a child or children with them, it won’t matter. They’ll easily walk away from you and their own blood without pause, and in keeping with their status quo, will bail on child support, visitation, responsibility, accountability, and/or any financial debt residue left behind.

They will skip into the next relationship as if the one with you never even happened – and you will fast become one of the “crazy” exes he’s telling stories about and receiving sympathy from others over (like he once did with you). And don’t be surprised if, when telling others these stories, he begins to exaggerate it and starts to “project” onto you the very sin that he, himself, committed – cheating.

If you meet a guy who claims that every single ex (not just one or two) he’s ever had has cheated on him, you need to question why that is. He’s either an incredibly lousy, neglectful, apathetic mate – or he’s lying.

Are You Dating an Insecure Man?


In the beginning insecure men come on fast and strong, spreading compliments thick, for about the first 3 or 4 dates and professing to love you by the fifth. They talk strongly and often about a future with you very early on, too early, and tend to fast track you into the bedroom by doing so (because they know women, by nature, bond with men through physical contact).

Insecure men pick their victims well, identify their needs immediately, and then start to fulfill those needs fast – only to yank that all away from you and completely turn the tables once they’ve hooked you.

All those compliments, promises, talk of future, exchanges of love and hot sex. . .yea, that was the bait on the end of the hook. And once you bite, they know they have a winner and they pull back hard on the line, quickly and without warning, reeling you out of the lovely pond you were just swimming in - and onto very dry land where they will watch you eventually suffocate and die without remorse.

If you’re dating a man that’s leaving you feeling completely exhausted, totally emotionally drained, financially wiped out, incredibly neglected, abused and taken advantage of, entirely confused, suspicious and constantly questioning and second guessing yourself – you, my dear, are most likely dating an insecure man.

Get rid of him – NOW.

Protect Yourself



If you want to protect yourself from falling prey to another one in the future (hey, we’ve all been there) - work on yourself. Change always starts with YOU.

Behavior that is self-destructive need no longer take place. Hookups and one night stands, settling for less than you deserve, not demanding traditional first dates where you’re treated like a lady, drinking too much, giving men who treat you poorly a second chance or the benefit of doubt, not carrying yourself with dignity, behaving desperately – no more. It’s a fallacy planted into women’s heads by society that if you smile, sacrifice yourself constantly and “do, do, do” for others like a household appliance. . .you will receive love in return. So forget about that because the only thing that will get you these days is victimized and taken for granted.

Ladies, there are good men still out there, trust me on this. Yes, the “gentlemen” is nearing extinction and entering the realms of the dinosaur, however, they do still exist. And if you work on yourself and participate in things that actually build your confidence, rather than take part in self-destructive behavior that actually chips away at it– you will find that you are no longer attracted to insecure men, you will develop a radar that can see them coming a mile away, and good men will admire your strength, independence and strong will. . .and will begin to enter your life.

If you’re not ready and haven’t done the work, you won’t recognize them, you’ll pass them over, you’ll experience fear and you’ll confuse the “high” of sexual attraction with real emotion and love. If you have done the work, and you know your value and begin to understand what it is that you truly need from a man to be happy – then you can’t miss them.

If you’ve done the work, insecure men will no longer be drawn to you. Instead, they’ll sense immediately that you wouldn’t make an ideal victim - and they’ll quickly flee from you without explanation.

Seriously ladies, be thankful for all the disappearing men in your life - they actually saved you a lot of grief.

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414 Comments:

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Angelica said...

Dear Mirror. Its Astrid here. I just want to thank you kindly for your reply and advice in regards to my DM. I posted my story on the 13th of january and just want to give you an update.
As you know my DM asked me out on a date which i agreed to however no details were set as yet. The day before our date he text me saying that he still wants to meet however he has to be somewhere else at 7.30pm which leaves us with 45 minutes for our date. He then continues with saying he wants to spend more than 45 minutes with me and maybe we are cutting it short and hinting that we should reachedule.

As you may recall the reason for my 3 weeks silence was that half the time he does not follow through with plans. Mind you he is always the initiater and asking me on dates but bails half the time the day before the scheduled date.
Anyway when i received the message i decided not to reply as yet again I feel he does not value my time and takes me for granted. As if I would drive half way across town for 45 minutes of his time WTF Lol. And then he has the decency to put the ball in my court and make me cancel the date if i am not satisfied with a lousy 45 minutes of his time as if he is some important celebraty that i should be grateful to get the chance to meet again Lol.
Anyway i still havent replied to his selfish text and its now been nearly 4 weeks.
During this time he has made contact 5 times via text.
The day after the initial text he sent me a text asking if i received his text. The following day he sent a text talking about a tradegy in melbourne city where we both live. Then 4 days later he sent a text asking how i am going and how my weekend was.
Finally he sent a text thursday hoping that i am well and that i am enjoying my new job. No questions were asked.
I was hoping that my silence would eventually make him apologize, but nothing so far and its really driving me nuts.
As much as staying silent doing nothing sounds easy i find it so hard and it takes some serious will power to do so when emotions are involved and i still really like this guy.
40% of me just want to stay silent for good knowing that his ego most likely is suffering and i now have the power however 60% of me still wants to touch base with him. Maybe just tap him and see what happens. What do you think Mirror? Would you stay silent for good? What would you do? Did i maybe over react?
Thank you
Astrid

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Astrid,
"i still really like this guy"

Why? You might want to ask yourself why you're attracted to a man that treats you poorly, doesn't value your time, only offers crumbs of his time, and takes you for granted.

"60% of me still wants to touch base with him"

For what? More of the same? More crumbs, more of him taking you for granted, and more of him disappointing you?

"Maybe just tap him and see what happens."

The choice is yours. But what will likely happen is -- more of the same.

Think about it. This guy has attempted to contact you 5 TIMES, acting as if nothing has happened. He hasn't asked you why you're not responding, he hasn't asked you if something is wrong -- he's going about this like it's business as usual.

Nothing about that is new. So it's highly likely that if you do contact him, you'll receive more of the same.

"Would you stay silent for good? What would you do?"

I would stay silent for good. If the man isn't adding anything positive to my life and only causes me to feel anxious, worried, and questioning myself and his behavior constantly. . .I'm jumping off the merry-go-round.

I'm not staying put in a situation that only causes negative feelings and isn't enjoyable. If I'm going to date -- I'm going to make sure it's at least an enjoyable experience. . .with another man that is enjoyable ;-)

Angelica said...

Hi Mirror. Just wanted to thank you for your reply. I do know what i need to do and that is to follow your advice, move on and never look back. The funny thing is that i feel like a bitch not replying to his attempts. If i hadnt come across your blog i would have most likely reached out for the usual chat, asking him if something is wrong - just to probably get dumped by him. Now at least I would know for sure that nothing would ever come of this. I guess what has been clouded due to my emotions is that his actions have been proving exactly that all along and i shouldnt need his words to confirm that he is only half interested. I think its a common issue for woman needing closure from a mans words before they can move on, but i must say making a decision that he is not worthy and walking away is so much more empowering even though he was only a half interested man. I guess the answer for closure comes from within - making the decision to move on and not look back. Whereas i think most woman are so eager to find closure from the man causing the pain and as a result suffer even more.
Thanks again Mirror.
Alice

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror, i've been seeing this man for a few months now. He has come on very strong, texting me everyday all day, and talking for hrs nightly. He told me he loved me within 2wks of knowing me and asked me to be his gf. He has also asked me to move in with him, and he actually lives out of state from me. When we are together, he never seems to make much effort or plans (it's always my ideas for things to do), but instead wants to be constantly physically connected. I find it smothering sometimes. My problem is, I feel like I do not trust him for one, and for two he also never asks me anything about myself. Our conversations are literally always about him, sometimes for hours. He does not ask me anything. I carry our conversations for the most part. It has me feeling gross and awkward at times. I have asked him why he never asks me anything about myself, and he says he doesn't care about my past, only the present and future. I also notice he has a short temper, and he has a lot of anger. There's been a few times where he has told me to shut up and has yelled at me, for in my opinion, very trivial things. On top of all this, sex with him isn't always pleasant. I have told him this too several times now, that he is hurting me or being too rough and not listening to me. (Sorry TMI!) He has admitted to me that it turns him on when i'm in pain. Several signs are pointing to this not being a healthy relationship. The good is: he is very consistent with always texting back and always calling when he says he will, he has not disappeared and he has not changed his tune about loving me. I feel silly for even questioning myself, as we're both in our thirties. Any advice is appreciated.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sep 12, 7:31 PM,
"He told me he loved me within 2wks of knowing me . . . he actually lives out of state from me."

That's not even possible. In order to truly love someone, you have to love them faults and all. This man has no clue what you're like on your worst of days. He hasn't spent enough time with you during them. He barely knows you at all.

He may have affection for you. He may have lust for you. But it's not possible to truly love someone, faults and all, after only 2 weeks of dating - in a long distance relationship (or otherwise).

Men tell women what they THINK they want to hear every single day unfortunately :-(

"wants to be constantly physically connected. I find it smothering sometimes."

That's a sign of insecurity (and also possible motive - i.e. sex).

"I feel like I do not trust him"

Of course not. He hasn't earned that yet by truly PROVING himself to you as a man.

"Our conversations are literally always about him, sometimes for hours."

That's him trying to "sell" himself to you. It's also a sign that he's self-centered and focused solely on himself.

"I also notice he has a short temper, and he has a lot of anger."

NOT GOOD AT ALL. Especially when combined with this other behavior.

"He has admitted to me that it turns him on when i'm in pain."

NOT GOOD!!!!

"Several signs are pointing to this not being a healthy relationship."

Agreed 100%.

"The good is: he is very consistent with always texting back and always calling when he says he will, he has not disappeared and he has not changed his tune about loving me."

That's not all that matters. Communication is only a small portion of what matters. And we don't know if he's telling the truth about loving you.

What you really need to think of with men (or women) that display these characteristics is this -- what would happen if you left them? What would happen if you broke up with them? Would they become a stalker? Would they send you 50 texts a day trying to reach you? Would they begin to threaten you? Would they show up unexpectedly at your place of employment or your home? Or would they just come unglued and disappear off the face of the earth, never to be seen or heard from again - AFTER they've blamed YOU for this happening?

I would give a lot of thought to these things before proceeding.

Most importantly, give a lot of thought as to whether or not you're even actually enjoying dating this man. If you're not, then there's your answer right there.

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror

I need your advice please.I am dating a 35 years old guy ,going out with him for a drink or walk in the park and after a month he said that he is looking for a serious relationship now and marriage in the future as he felt that he is getting older now.He also wants me to be his girlfriend but i said that i need time to think about it and would like to get to know each other more.He replied okay he can wait but not too long so that it would not be difficult for him after if it will not work.

He contacted and wanted to see me regularly but i like to see him just once in a week.He is also not clingy and is very open.We had a deep conversation every time.He also said that it is important for him that i talk to him and open up if there is any problem.

However after a month things changed.He doesn't have a plan to take me out but invited me to have a dinner to his place then talk and watch a movie after.But i replied "I suggest that we can grab a coffee first or walk in the park.He then replied "why outside?Here in my house i have food,drinks and everything" Then i was thinking that maybe he has no much money for the meantime,he finished a job contract and searching for a new one.But he received a monthly support from the government which i think only enough for his own living.He is a foreigner and just arrived here 2 years ago.
So i still suggested to go walking,eat ice cream,or drinks,sometimes going to a simple restaurant,sometimes cinema,i said that i like those things.I really gave him hints and these things are not expensive by the way.
Then he agreed to go to the park.After an hour he asked me to go back to his apartment as he felt cold ,you know its near to winter.I accepted it.He cooked me food,we talked and kissed.We didn't have sex but i found it so cool when he said that he likes to please a woman in the bed. He said that woman likes it before sex.

After that,things repeat again and it's always me who suggested what to do.He agreed to walk in the center like sight seeing and he asked me to have dinner to his place after,then talk and make out ,no sex coz i am not ready and he is willing to wait.

Then after 2 months of dating,we are supposed to go out Saturday.I was glad that he first suggested to go walking in a beautiful park nearby his place and take me photos as he knows that i like to have some little souvenir sometimes.However he called me on Friday evening and invited me to come sleep over to his place and saturday we go out.He said that he really miss me.I think it was a mistake for me to accept it.

So i went there,he cooked food ,we talked and kissed.Then Its Saturday morning i woke up and was excited to go to the park but after lunch he said that he can't make it coz he is still tired.Suddenly i felt bad and was silent.

Afterwards a friend called him on the phone and asked to see him.Then he asked me if i didn't mind that he can go see his friend for about 30 mins and he will come back.I said yes and i asked him again if we can go to the park.He still refused and said that it is cold outside. I answered seeing your friend is the same.He replied that he is going to see him inside the building so it is not cold there and that he i really tired and have a headache ..........

Anonymous said...

Afterwards,I swear Mirror that i prevented my tears to fall from my eyes but i cannot help it.Damn i am really so sensitive though i tried to control my emotion.I know it is not good to cry for he will see me like a child.I felt bad not because i didn't get what i wanted but it's because i did not see his effort there,there is something wrong.What do you think MOA ?

Am i just over reacting ? After that ,it was time to go back and before i go i said to him that i think we are not a good match and i have to leave.He said that i am like a child.I didn't argue .

Then he said okay we will do it next weekend and please stay.I replied : i must go back home and maybe this will be our last meeting,and thank you for everything.He looked very sad when i leave and said that he needs me.

When i arrived at home,he called me and also yesterday but i didn't answer. I think MOA that he will convince me to see him and take me out.I can sense that he will continue to pursue me and he is the only man doing like that to me among those guys that i've dated before and we had deep conversation in the phone or when i am seeing him.
But i think there is something wrong here but i can't figure it out.I am really confused if i give up or continue.Should i give him more time to get to know him? Is there a red flag here that i didn't see.Overall this guy spend a little money on me and i don't like that it is me mostly who think of what to do but i don't know how can i get him to have a plan.For sure he will call me again today.

Any advice MOA? THANK YOU very much !

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Nov 21, 12:27 PM,
"He replied okay he can wait but not too long so that it would not be difficult for him after if it will not work."

He doesn't have the right to pressure you. He has the right to decide he doesn't want to wait, and he can then choose to end the relationship. But he does not have the right to push you into a decision. If you're not making the decision fast enough for him, then he can decide to walk away.

"What do you think MOA?"

You have the same right that he has. You have the right to walk away if he/the relationship is not making you happy. But you cannot control his actions. You can't make him love you or want to do certain things with you. If he doesn't want to do things that make you more comfortable with him, that's fine - that's his right.

But there are consequences for everything.

And it may be that the consequence of him no longer wanting to participate in the things he originally did for you that you enjoyed and that made you comfortable with him - is that you decide you're no longer happy in the relationship and walk away.

"Should i give him more time to get to know him?"

If you're enjoying dating him, sure you can decide to proceed. However, if you're not really enjoying dating him any longer, then it probably wouldn't be wise to proceed.

Remember - it's not about HIM and HIS happiness. It's about YOU and YOURS.

Don't settle for less than you deserve simply to make him happy. And don't ask for more than you deserve because you feel entitled to it. It's a balancing act and there has to be a fair give and take between two people in order for them to successfully fulfill each others emotional needs.

If you're enjoying dating him - proceed. If it's no longer enjoyable - it's probably time to move on.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror, i'm ready to give up on dating. I can't meet a normal decent guy if my life depended on it. My most recent, we have been "dating" for over 2months now and he has not asked me to be his gf. We talk daily, texts and calls. He says he likes me. When i have broached the issue of not being together yet, he says he doesn't want to jump into anything like his last relationships because he wants something serious and to last. Speaking of serious, he can't make plans in advance with me, ever. Not once has he planned a date in advance. Speaking of dates, we mostly stay in at his place because he says going out costs too much, so i sometimes come up with ideas of cheap/free things to do and then beg him to go along. :/ He complains about being broke constantly, yet he doesn't do anything about it. Oh, and he also spends $300+ a month on drugs(of the green variety) and cigarettes. He works a full time job and gets home from work, smokes and sits on the couch. On the weekend, he doesn't do much either. The craziest part is, if I tell him I don't like the drugs and his lifestyle he will call me an alcoholic for having a glass of wine once a week! He also seems to talk down to me, saying I'm not one to give advice because I'm currently working part time and in a training program to be certified in my field, so i'm not as "established" as him.. (because he received an inheritance and bought a house with it.) lol. I don't know, I feel a huge amount of disrespect and disregard for my feelings, and I believe he is lazy unmotivated and full of excuses. I feel like this "relaionshit" has been a waste of my time and he isn't looking to budge in any sense of the word in his life. He is VERY content with the status quo of everything. Because of this i've decided I need space and not contacting him for some time. I'm unhappy since he doesn't seem to value me in the way that I would like and expect, and frankly i'm sick of doing most of the work. He says he isn't good with change and to be patient with him. But I don't have time for him to someday want more with me and want more with his life in general. He is such a lackluster drag. He doesn't make me a better person in any sense of the word. He isn't motivating. And I honestly feel like I bring a lot more to the table than him in which he benefits from being around me and not the other way around. Any advice is appreciated Mirror, thanks.

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Jan 20, 1:33 PM,
"Speaking of serious, he can't make plans in advance with me, ever. Not once has he planned a date in advance."

Why do you accept his last minute date requests? The way to make him understand that your time is valuable as well is to not accept last minute date requests and instead, tell him you've already made other plans -- but you're available at a later date and time (give him an exact day and time).

"Speaking of dates, we mostly stay in at his place because he says going out costs too much."

That's not dating, that's hooking up. (Those are what I refer to as "sofa dates.")

Formal dating consists of actually setting a date and time for both parties to meet for an event: "establish or ascertain the date of event."

In his case, there is no event. The event consists of sitting on his sofa because he's too lazy to actually plan an outing. If he can't afford to date, then he shouldn't be dating. He shouldn't expect some woman to settle for what little he has to offer and be happy about it.

Walking in the park is free. Walking on the beach is free. Hiking through the forest is free. Walking through the mall is free. An ice cream cone costs $3. A shared appetizer and 2 sodas at a restaurant costs about $15. An afternoon matinee at the movies can be done for about $20.

I could go on and on. Not having a lot of money at your disposal is not an excuse for not taking a woman on a date. There are a lot of activities that are free and/or very affordable that he could be planning. He's just too lazy and complacent to actually do that.

"Oh, and he also spends $300+ a month on drugs(of the green variety) and cigarettes. He works a full time job and gets home from work, smokes and sits on the couch. On the weekend, he doesn't do much either."

That's where his laziness and lack of enthusiasm comes from. And he's NOT BROKE. He's simply choosing to spend his money on recreational drugs instead of recreational activities with a woman.

"He also seems to talk down to me, saying I'm not one to give advice because I'm currently working part time and in a training program to be certified in my field, so i'm not as "established" as him."

When he disrespects you in this manner, do you leave? Do you issue a consequence to him for his behavior and treatment of you (i.e. no more access to you), or do you stay and send him the signal that it's okay to treat you this way. Because no matter what, you'll still be right there, willing and waiting on him.

Cont. . .

The Mirror of Aphrodite said...

"I feel a huge amount of disrespect and disregard for my feelings, and I believe he is lazy unmotivated and full of excuses."

100% agreed based on what I'm hearing here.

"Any advice is appreciated Mirror"

Let's review your summation of this. You said:

"I feel like this "relaionshit" has been a waste of my time and he isn't looking to budge in any sense of the word in his life. He is VERY content with the status quo of everything. Because of this i've decided I need space and not contacting him for some time. I'm unhappy since he doesn't seem to value me in the way that I would like and expect, and frankly i'm sick of doing most of the work. He says he isn't good with change and to be patient with him. But I don't have time for him to someday want more with me and want more with his life in general. He is such a lackluster drag. He doesn't make me a better person in any sense of the word. He isn't motivating. And I honestly feel like I bring a lot more to the table than him in which he benefits from being around me and not the other way around."

So now I ask -- why have you not ceased dating this man for good?

Dating him isn't an enjoyable experience, so why bother doing it anymore? Dating is supposed to be fun. It's not supposed to be a drag. Your significant other is supposed to make you feel good about yourself, not make you feel badly. They're supposed to do little things to make you feel special, not things that make you question yourself and your worth.

Dating is supposed to create feelings of excitement and enjoyment. I don't see any of that here. I see a lot of negativity laced with drug use and verbal abuse.

If I were you dear, I'd run and never look back.

If you stay, you could end up wasting years of your life "waiting" for this man to get his sh*t together. You've only been dating for two months. You can make a clean break now before it's too late (and someone catches feelings).

This relationship isn't progressing. He's not leading it anywhere. He's not providing any enjoyable experiences for you. He's becoming verbally abusive and disrespectful of you. He does not value or appreciate you as he should. He's immature and defensive. And he chooses to put himself and his own needs first on a regular consistent basis. And he has failed to impress you. You've spent two months getting to know him, and he's proved himself to be unimpressive.

This man has given you absolutely no reason whatsoever to continue dating him.

You've invested enough time into this to know that it's a dead end street and that all roads lead back to him sitting on his a** on his sofa. The only thing this guy has proved to you is that he'd win first place in the couch potato awards. He's kinda' like a fungus or a mushroom that just sits and lacks any real zest for life LOL.

I'd dump this guy in a heartbeat and move on so that you can find the right man that's meant for you dear. One that will appreciate you, value you highly, and treat you right ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror, I don't know why I attract men who are insecure. This happens again and again. This recent man, Nathan, and i dated for 2 1/2months, he seems to have almost a self fulfilling prophecy going on. He lacks confidence, he would message me sometimes and if I didn't get back to him quick enough, usually he would become accusatory and ask me a bunch of questions. He also told me he doesn't trust women, that he thinks i'm out to use him/play him, and he gave me a very hard time "joking" that I am seeing/sleeping with other men all the time. Meanwhile, he has yet to even ask me to be his actual gf! I assured him that he was the only person I was talking to, and when I would say that, he would then say "do what you want you're single anyway." Obviously this made me very confused. The most common thing he would accuse me of, almost daily, was liking his friend. His friend and I made out at a party 14yrs ago when we were 19. We haven't seen or spoken to eachother since! We just kissed, that's it, back then. Every single day I have had to defend myself telling my date that I am not in any way shape or form interested in his friend. It became so exhausting and annoying, that I went on fb messenger and messaged his friend and I said "hello, I am accused of liking you for some reason by Nathan,every single day, what is going on, did you tell him something I don't know?" Well, he immediately screen shotted the message to Nathan, and then replied to me that he promised Nathan if I ever contacted him that he would tell him. I said okay?? Well Nathan, then texts me and says "F U, we are done, you messaged my friend, you lied, you don't deserve my loyalty, you messaged him that says enough right there!". I was shocked. I told him he is overreacting, that the message was about him and his accusatory comments, I even sent him screen shots. Nathan wants nothing to do with me now. It ended just like that. And I am left in bewilderment. He won't take my calls, texts, and wouldn't answer his door when I went to his house. Suddenly, I am left feeling guilty, abandoned, and pretty horrible, over this whole mess. I did so much for this man, and he gave so little in return and was not that great to me. I helped him sell furniture he needed to get rid of, rehome his dog, I cooked for him, I helped him clean his house once, and I always offered solutions to his problems in life. He didn't ever ask to help me in any way, and he never drove to my house. He put me down often, all of his jokes all the time, seemed like he was threatened by me getting attention from men, or as if I'm some floozy. And I'm not at all. I spent all my free time with Nathan. Nothing was ever good enough though. Guess I'm just venting but I don't know why I keep getting deeply involved with insecure men who seem to be very immature emotionally.

Anonymous said...

You keep getting deeply involved with insecure men because you lack the courage and stamina to walk away from them early on. It is that simple.

Stop saying he abandoned you. That is an awful word to use. You are a grown adult who cannot be abandoned by anyone but yourself. He has blown you off and if I were you, I would not look at it through the perspective of a tragedy, but as a GIFT from the high heavens.

Anonymous said...

Hi there MOA :-)
I would like to hear your advice,please.

I've been dating a guy for 3 months now (the first 2 months he contacted me like twice a week which i think for me is okay ) but after 2 months (the time i slept with him which was my choice ) he only contacted me once a week and only when he is asking an appointment to see me..talking not more than 15 minutes in the phone.We meet each other once a week and he took me to proper dates. Also I noticed that when i see him in person we only talked about other things ,just light things.Also unlike in the first and 2 dates, he is not anymore asking questions about my life,about me ,my family ,what i like or don't like ,nothing and he didn't even know that it was my birthday last week. He asked about it on the second date but it was not important for him i think.He is open to talk about his life when i asked but rarely asked mine or he only asked when i asked him first.

I like this guy so much and he was treating me like a princess when we are out, but it doesn't feel right when he only contact me once in week and said that he is very busy with his new project.He also said that even with friends he replied them after 4 days .I once tried to initiate a chat but he just replied twice and said that he must go to have a dinner.

Also after 3 months, i asked him "which direction would you like to go in life " ? He replied that he is just enjoying the present moment in life , just go with the flow without really thinking of the future and follow where it leads and said that he will treasure those memories that we had.The last date i told him maybe to give him hints like " i would love to hear from you more when you are abroad " (he was working abroad during the 3 months for a new project and can still able to see me ) he replied: "yes but I cannot text you every night" ,then i just remained silent.

In fact last week i am supposed to see him again by Saturday but we didn't had the specific time yet.What i did ,i waited and observed then again the pattern repeated. He contacted me by Thursday night just saying how was my day but i didn't reply.Then he called me on Friday and text i also didn't reply.I think by now he is very confused.

Now it's Monday and i am still silent.I was not inspired to see him as i didn't hear from him ,communication is very weak.He seems not eager to talk and to know me and my life.I can still feel that this guy is a good person but he is not ready i think.

Anyway ,what is the best way to do MOA ? Should i continue dropping this guy without any word ,or should i tell him that it will not work and that i have to move on ? Thanks a lot MOA ,Best Regards .






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