"Mirror, Mirror on the wall . . . where did he go, and why doesn't he call?"

Disappearing Reappearing Man: What To Do?

Ok, Ladies . . this one’s for you. I see the multitude of comments left by women here under the post titled, “Experiences With A Taurus Male” asking questions such as:

"He was so nice, he started off so strong. Where did he go? What should I do? I text him and he doesn’t respond. I call and he doesn’t answer. Help!”
Standing your ground in the early days of dating is absolutely necessary for your sanity, dignity and relationship perspective. Unless, of course, you prefer to be a co-dependant Polly Anna instead.

Men, just like children, will always test their boundaries with you. It’s just a fact of life. They don't sit around plotting and planning this behavior intentionally. It's psychological, preprogrammed. It's a gift of insight into the female species from good ole' Mother Nature. At its purest form, it's meant to give them the upper hand - so they can succssfully mate, procreate and perpetuate the human species. It's behavior they're not aware of - but utilizing daily.

They're honing these skills from childhood. Very early on young boys learn that the best way to get what they want from the woman in their life, namely mom, is to play on her emotions. And as we speak, some little boy on some playground somewhere is punching the little girl he likes in the arm, running away, laughing.

It is what it is, girls. Accept it.

This is not “games” or manipulation of some sort. You need to remember is this – men do indeed play games. It’s pure instinct. Men are acutely aware of the factors that trigger “attraction.” And if you don’t get a grip and counter these moves that every single man in the world will use on you – then you’re going to become the woman with 17 cats faster than you can say, “Bastard.”

First thing you need to understand, and it’s one factor that men are born understanding, is . . .

The Scarcity Theory Of Value

Scarcity drives competition, particularly in economics, but it also works in dating. No one loves competing for something more than men. This is human behavior/psychology – it just is.

The Law of Scarcity is used in economics daily. Big box stores, marketers and those in the business world understand this. Ever notice during the Holiday season there’s a new game or gadget that’s in scarce supply? But EVERYONE suddenly has to have it? Why is that?

The Answer: Because people always want what they can’t have.

Manufacturers know that they can produce 700,000 of these gadgets for the Holiday season. But they’re not interested in the “get in, get out” method of sales. They want to create a buzz, create a demand – and most importantly – they want people to place a high value on their product. They want people to crave it for months to come – not simply during the month of December.

So what do they do? They dole out the product in scarce supply (and you should do this with sex, too, by the way). Next thing ya' know, people are searching online, hitting 25 stores, standing in line for hours – you get the idea.

And they’re not just doing this in December. Come the month of March, they’re still looking for it and putting energy into acquiring it.

The Reality: People place a high value on something they have to work for.

You want your man to value you, you want him to put energy and effort into the relationship, you want him to puruse you with dignity, it’s what you deserve. Permit this to happen.

Action Steps: When dating, don’t always be available. Don’t respond to texts immediately. Don’t pick up the phone all the time. Don’t return calls immediately. Don’t rearrange your plans to accommodate a man.  And never settle for being a booty call.  Remain independent, yet flexible, and follow a certain set of "dating rules" for yourself.

The Result: The Scarcity Theory Of Value begins to work. He starts to see you as valuable. He begins to understand that your time is valuable, you are valuable, you are not desperate, and other things and people demand you time as well. His brain begins to subconsciously associate you with being valuable. It's human nature to process the message in that manner, male or female, which is why this law is applied to economics in the marketplace. Use this factor of human behavior to your advantage.

Men instinctively know this. Hell, they use this tactic every single day – on you. So get with the program.

Research Suggests That Uncertainty Heightens Romantic Attraction

It’s a fact, uncertainty creates attraction. Yet another factor that men instinctively know, understand and use to their advantage – DAILY. It goes back to – people want what they can’t have.

Here’s what happens in the human brain. When uncertainty exists, when you can’t have something that you desire . . . you think about it constantly. When your man doesn’t answer a text or ignores a call, you begin to think about him non-stop. What you don’t realize is that all this heavy duty thinking is actually creating more desire for him. He knows that this uncertainty is heightening your attraction for him and there's actual research to back this theory up (PDF).

So now you need to flip the script and use this particular aspect of human behavior to your advantage.

So how do you do that? Take a lesson from him. Play it cool, ladies. In the early days of dating, never let a man know you’re crazy about him. That is, unless you’re looking for the “hit and run” type of situation.

Fact: If you let your man know immediately that you’re falling for him and/or you sleep with him too soon (no sooner than one or two months, ladies), he will immediately move you into the “backup” or “plan B” situation.

Why? Because the thrill is gone and he's already tasted the goods.  He now knows he doesn’t have to put another ounce of energy into you.  He’s got you right where he wants you – under his thumb. And he now knows he can disappear for days, weeks, months, years. And if he wants you again, if he's bored or other women have rejected him, he'll need an ego boost so he'll be likely to ring you and then, BAM - there you are.  Rearranging your schedule, jumping through hoops and giddy that he's contacted you again.

Fact: Once a man has fully “conquered” something, he's apt to lose interest in it. You need to never let him think he's got you or won you over, even if you know he already has.

Action Steps: Never talk about the future in the early days of dating.  Never jump through hoops and never let him see you're giddy about what's taking place.  Play it cool, just like men do. Hang back, be fun, be spontaneous and be open.  But do this on your time and as you see fit.  Most likely, he'll poke around with leading statements so he can get a feel for whether or not you're into him.

He'll Say Things Like:
  • “Maybe someday, we can buy a house together.”
  • "When we live together someday. . ."
  • “Maybe someday, I’ll take you here for dinner.”
  • “I have a weekend getaway planned in August (and it’s May), maybe you can come with me.”
Response: Say something playful and coy like:

“Well, we’ll have to see where it goes. If this works out, maybe yes, someday we can do that. That would be nice.”

What He Hears: His work here is not finished.  He senses uncertainty and processes the message that he needs to up the anty here.  In otherwords, there's still work to be done and this game is not over.  

More Importantly: You're independent, you're different. You make your own choices based on actions, not a bunch of bullshit sweet talk. It's going to take more than the punks game of BS to get you. You're not afraid to walk away or skip over him. You don't let a man pick you, you pick your man.

Men Understand Simple Communication

Emotions are overwhelming to men and confuse the hell out of them. It’s a known fact.  Emotions are like work to men, the trouble of wading and sifting through them, attempting to decipher and understand or relate to them, it's a ton of work. It's also a major turn off and it makes the relationship more akin to the job of a therapist as oppossed to something fun and enjoyable.

The Number One Mistake Women Make With Men: They share too much of what they’re thinking and feeling with them. Every little thought, every little fear, every little feeling, every little tear, every little "what if." It's a bit much and to a man, amounts to a ton of drama.

If you need a therapist, by all means, go visit one. But your boyfriend, yea, he's not your therapist. He's not getting paid $150 an hour to listen to all your fears and wade through your emotions and insecurities in the dark recesses of your mind, in an effort to heal you or make you emotionally stable and overall, mentally healthy. Do this with your man and he'll be gone in a flash.

Action Step: Visit a therapist of share these emotions with other women who can relate, such as your girlfriends, sisters or female co-workers. Your man should have no clue what's going on in your head.

This is the one single thing that is most likely to create the “disappearing reappearing” man syndrome, although there are other very real signs he'll disappear. Start sharing your emotions with him and he’ll be gone. Do that and you'll take his interest from level 8 or 9 down to a 2 before you can blink an eye. He'll begin to question everything - including your sanity.

Ever listen in on a bunch of men talking amongst themselves? It basically boils down to this:
  • a couple of grunts
  • some high-fives
  • and some laughs
Simple communication. That’s the name of the game with men. Keep it simple ladies.

Men Understand Action Loud And Clear, Emotion Only Confuses Them

Let’s say you’ve made the above mistake and you've been using your man as a therapist instead of working out your emotions and fears yourself. Let's assume you believe that your happiness is something a man should grant you - and not something you have to grant yourself. Let's say you've been prodding and poking around about his feelings, if he cares for you and where this may lead.

Imagine This: You are driving the car (relationship) and you are now effectively letting fear and insecurity steer the wheel. Now the car (relationship) is veering wildly out of control at a high speed, his passenger door is open and he’s bailing out onto the highway - leaving you to your own demise.

He’s overwhelmed, he’s confused, he doesn't know why or how this happened and because of that, he's gone MIA on your ass. Your actions have spoken loud and clear – and he’s responding.

Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. And this is where it gets interesting, so LISTEN UP, Ladies!

Men Pull Stunts To Gauge Your Feelings And Reassure Themselves

This is the oldest trick in the book and a known fact as to how men reassure themselves. You can expect a man to distance himself and pull back before diving in headfirst and/or right after having sex. So just know this and be prepared for it ladies. Don't panic and go off the rails.

When men feel uncertain and seek reassurance, they don’t do it like women do – by talking about their feelings and emotions over coffee or a bottle of wine all night long. Men seek reassurance by pulling stunts, like making you jealous, making you worry or the the good ole’ disappearing man act.

Ever notice how the punk player laughs, smiles and smirks when his girlfriend goes off into a jealous rage about another woman calling or approaching him? Watch for that, the Billy Idol half smile. Experts in human behavior and body language refer to that tiny half smile as "duping delight." It's a sure sign that he's pleased as punch about the attention he's getting, how important he feels at that moment, and about how much his girl cares for him. Really insecure guys, like players, pull stuff like this all the time to make themselves feel important, wanted and confident.

Because let's face it, if you didn't care, you wouldn't be going off, half-cocked, about the issue.

What To Do When Your Man Disappears: The Rubber Band Theory

When he goes MIA, you do too. You fall off his radar, hell you fall off the face of the earth, and all he hears are crickets chirping in the distance on a silent night.

How That Works: It tells him that you’re okay giving him space and that he's not that incredibly important to you. Being alone is okay with you and besides, there are others out there who want your time as well, so this really isn't a big deal. You have other options and your strong, emotionally.

The Result: He's thinking about you non stop. He’s not getting the reaction he thought he’d get. You're different and he's actually admiring your emotional strength. He's impressed by it. But it's also triggering HIS insecurities. Is there someone else? Is she over me?  Why isn't she blowing up my phone?

Once he moves through that thought process, much like a rubber band, he'll spring back towards you.  He'll think, "I'd better go check and see what's going on." 

This is based on a dating theory called "The Rubber Band Theory" which concludes that this is part of the male intimacy process - getting close, then pulling away to think, remain independent, feel manly and not get too caught up in HIS emotions.  Men do this to maintain a nice, healthy balance.

I’m telling you ladies, if you send one text, make one phone call – you’re going to BLOW THIS. He’ll be gone in sixty seconds. He’ll instantly know there is no other man on the scene and his attraction for you will disappear in a flash. You will look emotionally pathetic to him.

Maintain your strength in this situation. One of two things will happen:
  • He’ll stay gone for good. In which case, you’ve got your answer, no more waiting around for him – and you’ve dodged a bullet here because he wasn’t that into you to begin with. And had you stuck around for more games, grief and pain, more is definitely what you will have received.
  • He’ll suddenly reappear. He’ll have had time to think, he’ll have had plenty of space and the rubber band effect will kick in – and he'll come around to seek you out. He'll mis you and that's what you want him to do. 
In psychology, there are two kinds of love, passionate and companionate.  And passionate love is defined as an intense longing for union with another individual (PDF). 

Men and women both tend to equate longing with love and many scientists and anthropologists believe it to be a cultural universal, ladies - worldwide.

What To Do When Your Man Reappears: Behavioral Mirroring

If he’s gone, good riddance. He wasn’t into you anyway and/or he’s insecure. If he reappears, you get a second chance, girls, so don't blow it. You flip the switch and work your voodoo magic on his ass. You take control and you move things forward in your way and on your time and at your pace, not his.

He’s just revealed to you that YOU now have HIM. Gotcha little bastard – game on. (And remember, he started all this by making himself scarce, by not answering texts, and acting like he doesn't care. You don't want to play this game, but they insist on it – so here you are, game face on.)

Reminds me of a popular saying, "If you're going to play the game, I'll be the coach."

When your man suddenly reappears you have two options:

1.) Ask yourself if he’s worth it. What are the chances he'd do this again? Is there a history of this behavior? If so, he's a flake, not worth it.
2.) Act accordingly based on that decision.

If he’s worth it, here’s what you do when he suddenly reappears:

Action Step: Don’t answer that text or return that call for two or three days. Yes, three days, girls, this is important. You're taking a stance and you don't budge on that or he'll call you on that, he'll sense hesitation and weakness, and he'll take control again.  Simply use another psychological tactic called mirroring and mirror his behavior. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander and all is fair in love and war.

What He Hears: This poor treatment is not something you'll overlook.  You won't go off the rails about it, but you're no dummy either and now he knows this.  You have a life and you're going to live it, with or without him.  You know the meaning of consequence and bad behavior doesn't earn your attention.  Bad behavior earns consequences, those of which you're not afraid to dole out, and you will hold him accountable for his actions.  You will not reward him for them.

There's a great old saying I love, "Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."

Action Step: Make your response friendly, casual and keep it carefree.  In otherwords, you could care less and these little pranks mean nothing to you.

If you get the proverbial, “Hey” text or some sorry ass excuse for where the hell he’s been for a month (he was abducted by aliens) then three days later, you simply ignore the excuse he provided and say:

“Hey what’s up? It was nice to hear from you, I hope things are going well. I’ve been so busy lately, we’ll have to get together sometime soon. Have a great day, talk to ya’ later!”

What He Hears: You’re still there but now you're farther apart. Remember the rubber band theory, ladies.  Men like a little bit of tension, it's exciting and makes them curious.  Treating you like this will not be the way to your heart and does not make you want to spend time with him.  He knows what he did was wrong, you don't have to tell him.  So now, he's a bit confused and you have the uncertainty factor of human behavior working to your advantage.  And remember, uncertainty creates romantic attraction.

If he disappears for good, he was an insecure guy who was beat at his own game. What up now, player? And the last thing on earth you want to date is an insecure guy who is a player, so be gone fool.

Insecure guys are a bit different concerning this prank – they do it just to prove they can get a girl to jump. They don’t even have to like her. Deep down, they don’t feel like a man. Making a woman jump makes them feel manly. You don’t need a guy who is out to prove something to himself. Period. You want a man, not an insecure little boy who plays games to feel like a man.

Just give it some time.  He’ll think about this and if he’s a real man and he genuinely likes you, he’ll be back.  Nagging and chasing is what he expects.  You not caring and blowing him off is not what he expects.  Don't let him push your buttons, push his and throw him for a loop.

Shake Things Up And Blow Them Off: The Push Pull Method

Ever notice that the men you ignore are generally the one’s blowing up your phone? Why is that, you ask? Because you could care less about them and this kicks in a natural human behavior tendency to prove themselves to you, to win you over, to beat out other men, and claim the prize. So they start vying for your attention and going to great lengths to get it.

There's a dating principal that many refer to as "The Push Pull Method."  And it works boths ways, on men and women, in most cases.  It's a way to be interesting and fun without being too nice or too mean.

I’ll keep this section simple. Playing it safe is boring.  A man needs to be unable to predict your next move if he's to find you intriquing.  So start to shake things up a bit by creating some tension, pulling back on that rubber band a bit - and hold tight for him to spring back at you.

Men Are Competitive and Love To Chase

For women, the end result is what’s exciting, the future. For men, it’s the opposite, it’s the journey that’s thrilling to them, the here and now.

Men like to hunt. It plays on their natural, psychological tendency to enjoy competition. Permit yourself to become the prey and let them hunt you. Remember, it's also part of the human psychological condition to place a higher value on something you have to work for and in the modern day marketplace, it's being used everyday.

There's a great line in the movie, "The Break-Up."  When Vince Vaughn and his buddy go into a nightclub, they say, "Let's seperate the weak ones from the pack."  Clearly they were on the hunt.

Ladies, you’re the prey. He’s the hunter. Now run!

Dating, Mating And Male Insights

Men must feel that you're choosy, not needy.

Men don't want to be your therapist.

Give him plenty of space, pull back on that rubber band and he'll spring back at you.

Men tend to disrespect a woman who is too nice.

Men see nagging as emotional weakness.

A little distance along with some apathy pulls on that rubber band.

If he can predict your every reaction, you'll bore him to death.  

Sleeping with a guy too soon takes all the fun of it for him.  If you throw yourself at him, his reaction will be, "Meh."

Your sexuality is your power. The sooner you give it away, the sooner he'll leave.

Sleep with him too soon (before a month or two) and he'll view you as an object. Make him work for it and he'll notice you as a woman.

Not sleeping with him in the first month or two gives you time to find out who he really is and will save you lots of tears later on.

Nice girls, much like nice guys, finish last.

Don't Become Road Kill

Don't let yourself and your emotions get run over like road kill.  Look out for yourself, voice your opinions, don't be afraid to say no or turn down mediocre offers, and take things at your own pace while enjoying your own lifestyle in the midst of it.

If you look out for yourself in this manner, you will attract someone who will do the same for you.

Additional Food For Thought

Is he into you? Check out "He Is Not Into You: Relationship Red Flags"

Are you dating a player? Check out "What Is A Player: Signs You're Dating A Player"

Dealing With The Aftermath? Check out "Men Disappear and Reappear: The Aftermath"

Questioning Yourself? Check out "Dating: What Does It Mean When He. . ."

Feeling Powerless? Check out "Women And Relationships: Reclaiming Your Power."

Is he blaming you? Check out "What Is Nagging And Shifting Blame?"

Source Books and Recommended Reading

"The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right" by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider

"Mars and Venus On A Date" by John Gray, Ph.D.

"Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov

"The Manual" by Steve Santagati

"Date Like A Man" by Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould

"How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You" by Leil Lowndes

"How To Date Men" by Janis Spindel

Still Don't Believe This Is A Game Being Run On You Daily?

Do me a favor and Google "ignore her" on the Internet. You'll see what these little sneaks are up to:


"Why Nice Guys Ignore The Girl They Like"

"How To Raise An Interest Level: Ignore Her!"

"Get Out Of The Friend Zone By Ignoring Her"

"Why Ignoring Her Will Make Her Beg You To Take Her Back."

And there you have it. This is what they're up to. Now flip the script.

* * * * *

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Anonymous said...

All I can say is . . . WOW. This was truly insightful. I'm feeling a bit like crap right now because I've made just about every mistake listed here. I really like the examples you provided and will definitely be changing my behavior when dating. Thank you Mirror.

Sagg in Distress said...

So How Do I Move On From Here?

I experienced the disappearing act and really he never reappeared but kept communication via text. After 6 months of not seeing him this is what happened. Any advice?

Once again after going 6 months without seeing my Bull and feeling rejected yet having difficulty in letting go, we met yesterday at a bar and grill. Though I hoped I would feel nothing, he was still the same sweet, sexy, and alluring man from when we first met. DAMN! I still want him!

I kept my cool though the entire time I was a little nervous, butterflies, after being away from him for so long. We actually enjoyed our time together. The most amazing thing was what he revealed the following:
1) that he cares sincerely for me and that's why he keeps in contact via text...does not want to lose the connection. Has not seen me in 6mos because he doesn't feel he is ready for me would want me to look up to him and be proud of him because of the woman he views me as. Stated that the only way he knew how to deal with this was to run from me.
2)During this absence he has started 2 businesses outside of his 9 to 5 and is reading self-help books on how to be more expressive because he realizes he is so closed. Feels that he connected with me on so many levels but could not keep it going because it required more disclosure and is not there yet.
3)Would never want to hurt me because he doesn't meet the bar in a relationship.
4)Said at one point he felt I was trying to "push him into a relationship" and that pushed him away even more. I responded that was correct that I became the "convincer" and just didn't want to lose him. It was not the correct response but felt if I didn't our connection would dissipate. He somewhat agreed but said he would have reached out to me for sure at some point.
5)Last thing---I asked him why he won't act on my sexual advances and he admitted he wants too so badly but not for casual but for relationship...he wants to be ready for it all saying I'm not like the women he periodically sleeps with as a single man. They know he is not interested, will not be, and it is simply sex. He states that's also why he stayed away because when around me its hard for him not to touch me knowing I've been abstinent for a long time (2.5yrs only 4 men I've slept with ever). Said he wants it to be right when/if it happens.
I was so impressed with our conversation, his honesty and how comfortable we both were the more we tlaked. We ended our time together without making future plans but I was good with that. He kissed me and we said our goodbyes.

It was nice. So how do I move on from here?

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Sagg in Distress,
How do you move on? You just do. You have no choice, life goes on. You date, you spend time with friends, family, etc. and you move on.

Have faith that the universe will always steer us in the right directions. And that if it was meant to be - somehow - it will be.

Sagg in Distress said...

Thanks Aphrodite Bull...I needed that encouragement:)

hopelessLeo said...

OMGosh dude. 1,000,000,000 thanx this feels so reassuring. You described my situation to the t minus the fact that by the grace of God he hasn't tasted this sweet necter(not that his sensual charm wasn't deserving) but no brownie points here its only been a few weeks.Yes its been terribly hard trying not to give in to such hansome and sexual creature but this article couldn't have come soon
enough. Surprisingly I did ignore him one day and the next night he was blowing me up but my phone volume was low so I never heard his on going text and then calls and vm through the night saying he just wanted to know if I was ok and he wanted to hear my voice!! I took advatage of the leg-up since I got him just by watching tv then falling asleep on my phone. Ignoring him again till the next evening where I actually happened to be OCCUPIED at the beach with my family I told him that night I was out to the movies and dinner with a friend till 4am. He usually NEVER replied to my text at first but i timed my text 15 to 20 mins or so to add on to the ignoring thing and he would reply within a few mins even tho he was at work apologizing for bothering me and saying he needs to meet soon and talk he sounded like a whipped puppy even questioning was I asleep so hard I didn't hear his calls and if I was up!!! Aw man it felt awesome but here's my delimma. I called once the next morning with no answer then the afternoon and one more before bed with no answer or even a text.Since then 4 days have passed neither of us has called or texted. WAT DO I MAKE OF THIS????

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Hi HopeLessLeo,
What do you make of this? Um . . rinse and repeat, hehe. Think of the relationship like a rubber band - always lean back and put tension on it. They'll spring forward towards you.

So what you do now is disappear again. It may be longer this time before he contacts you again, but he will. I think the mistake here was in the fact that, once he had your attention again, you sprung forward towards him a lil too strong - i.e. you gave him to much reassurance with 3 phone call attempts in one day. If you dare phone a man (which I would only recommend doing once in a blue moon), you do it ONCE. That's it. No text, no more calls. Once and then sit back, the balls in his court. And it's when he sees your not purusing him that he'll step forward again. Unfortunately, 3 phone calls in one day is seen as purusing here. So - he gotcha on that one.

Initiate "no contact" again immediately. And when you hear from him, you answer a day or two later. If he comes round, you don't run at him . . you hang back.

It worked for you and it'll work again. But you can't run at them. It's human nature that when something charges at you - you take two steps back. When something runs from you, you pursue.

The key here is to NEVER look like the pursuer. It's to be pursued. With those 3 phone calls in one day, you became the pursuer and now he's pulled back. He's waiting for you to come at him again - don't do it.

If you have to wait 3 weeks to hear from him, that's what you do ;-)

And follow the advice in this piece (http://www.aphroditeastrology.com/2012/06/dating-what-does-it-mean-when-he.html) under the section "Was Dumped By Me And Wants Me Back." I realize that isn't your particular situation exactly, but the advice there is what you use to get this one off the ground - starting over from square one upon his return.

Lemme know how it pans out and good luck.

Anonymous said...

Well written!!! This is some of the best advice out there on dating and men! Kudos!

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Thank you *blushing*

It's a piece that's meant to help women weed out the insincere game players and learn to recognize the good guy when he comes along - because I believe the good guys should finish first :-)

There are good guys out there who will not play such games. Women need to break the cycle of falling prey to the emotional mind games men play that make them question their self worth.

Games that are meant to make the woman feel "less" somehow and as a result, make her pursue the man in order to "prove herself worthy" - and do all the work to keep the relationship together while the player sits back on his laurels.

Good guys may be like dinosaurs these days, on their way to extinction, but they do exist and you will begin to see them (notice them) once you get the insecure game players out of your line of sight.

Remember ladies: Men not only play these games to win you over and have you do most of the work in the relationship - the ones who take this route are generally insecure. They don't think you'll like them if they are genuine and nice, they don't think they're worthy - so they resort to these cheap tactics referenced above to do it for them.

Just know this and start giving the good guys a chance :-)

fedupcapricorn said...

Some advice please. I have known this Libra for 2 years. I slept with him after two months of dating. I met him when he was supposedly still healing from his break up with his ex wife. He can be charming, funny and sweet. But he is also a selfish,narcassistic,jobless, lives in fantasyland child. He is the love of my life somehow and I left him twice because of his wishy washy feelings and he pursued me. A month ago he confesses his love, his want for me only, then he went MIA for a month. He text Monday, I didn't respond. I'm done 4good.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

A Libra, huh? Doesn't surprise me that he's a flake of sorts. First off, for as charming as a Libra male can be - they can also be a first class opportunist as well. So watch yourself there. Whatever he can get, he will surely take.

I think he thought you were going to "chase." He waited for a while and when you didn't, here he comes, round again. Don't chase him. If you do, he will surely turn you into a doormat and begin abusing you mentally immediately. Libra's have the ability to take others feelings into consideration, hence the scales of justice. However, he needs to balance himself out first. A flaky, indecisive, unemployed Libra looking for somewhere to lay his head at night isn't something you need right now.

Stay strong and stay away from this one. Let him straighten himself out and don't let him make collateral damage out of you.

Hold your ground and never give him the upper hand here. You can be supportive to him without getting wrapped up in his drama - be a cheerleader from the sidelines and keep a nice health distance.

You deserve better than a selfish, narcissistic, jobless, fantasizer. You deserve an equal. Hold out for one - and he'll come along. And you'll see, he won't even play these games.

Real men don't need to resort to game playing tactics to win women over. Only punks do. Real men go after what they want and they have something to offer in return.

fed up Capricorn said...

I can honestly say I love your advice because you hold no punches. What I mean to say is ,you tell the true so we can avoid the hurt instead of being trapped in an emotional mess of a relationship. I thank you for that. I love him dearly and there was a time I chased my Libra long ago, but that all ended with these mind games. Now he chases me and I ignore him or talk to him when I felt like it. This time he crossed the line. I was not holding my breath but to confess love and promises. I just wanted him to prove it, then BAM gone. I stopped sleeping with him a year ago, he doesnt deserve it. Me playing cold/warm cappy only works with him but I'm tired now. I can't trust him, and he wont learn unless I kick him to the curb for good. He will miss and want me this I know. Its too late now.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Thank you, Cappy girl. I know I can come across harsh at times, but I see so many flakes causing so many good women and nice girls so much pain that . . when it comes to men like this, you hold nothing back. They don't deserve your kindness or compassion. Only good men deserve that.

I've made many mistakes with men in the past and I've learned quite a few lessons. Hell, I'm still learning. But the biggest lesson in life I think a girl needs to learn is TO RECOGNIZE THE GOOD GUYS when they come along and call a spade a spade with the rest.

I have regrets from a time in my life when I met a good guy - and was unable to recognize it. I blew it. And I don't want to see any of you making that same mistake is all.

Good men do exist. They're few and far between these days but they do exist. And when you find one, none of the above in this article will apply to him. He will give you nothing to question :-)

Taurus said...

No offense, but you make this all look like politics. This is LOVE for God's sake.

Men ignore or sometimes disappear not because the girl is easy. They do it because they think the Girl is err.. a naughty one. Naughty ones get punished.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts fellow bull. However, what's referenced above is GAME PLAYING, MANIPULATION and EMOTIONAL ABUSE. Similar to politics I suppose, but having very little to do with "love."

Do you hear yourself? Naughty girls get punished? You're punishing someone for giving themselves to you? Honest to God, what the hell kinda sense does that make? And does that sound like LOVE to you?

No disrespect but you sound seriously confused. There's no "love" in punishment. And punishment plays no role in real love. That's abuse my friend - emotional/psychological abuse. And that type of caveman thinking is exactly the thing I'm attempting to help women protect themselves from.

The above represents a pattern of behavior. And just as an FYI, here's the legal definition of emotional abuse:

"Unlike physical or sexual abuse, where a single incident constitutes abuse, emotional abuse is made up of a series of incidents or a pattern of behavior that occurs over time. Emotional abuse is a series of incidents, whether intentional or not, that insults, threatens, degrades, isolates, humiliates or controls another individual. It includes a pattern of one or more of the following: insults, criticism, aggressive demands or expectations, rejection, neglect, blame, emotional manipulation, control, isolation, punishment, terrorizing, ignoring or teasing."

When you dish out rejection, isolation and neglect as a form of punishment - you, my friend, become the definition of an emotional abuser.

And that has nothing to do with love. It has everything to do with the abusers insecurities and need to control, degrade or humiliate another human being in order to feel better about themselves.

Ladies, when you hear a man talk like this - JUST RUN.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Oh and one more thing, ladies. Anytime you hear a man make mention of "punishment" with regards to relationships or women, know this . . there are men out there who are mysoginists (i.e. woman haters). And they go through life "punishing" ALL WOMEN for the things that ONE WOMAN has done to them at some point previously. That could even go so far back in his history and childhood that it could even be his mom. When some men realize the true power that a woman or women can hold over them (i.e. that women can hurt them) - they set out to enact that revenge on the rest of the world and punish ALL WOMEN for what they experienced.

Again, proof pudding that this type of behavior has very little to do with YOU and much more to do with THEM and their issues.

A man who thinks it's his duty to "punish" women is not someone you want or should be spending ANY time with - or showing any amount of respect to. Because as you can see, they are NOT going to show any respect to YOU.

I actually encountered this type of an individual once and confronted him with what he was doing. I pointed out to him that he "punishes" women - for being women. And you know what he did? Less than 6 weeks later, he got the skull emblem from the character "The Punisher" tatooed on his left forearm. He related to all that I said and instead of working on himself - he wore it like a badge of honor, taking much pleasure in another's pain. And anyone who does that is sadistic.

Stay away from the "punishers" ladies because that's getting into some really warped territory psychologically. They have issues deeper than you'll ever know.

fedupcapricorn said...

Thank you again for the advice, as I learned some time ago its fine to love a man but not at the cost of you. Always love yourself more. Oh, and thank you for saying something to Taurus. In all my days I have never heard something so crazy. No disrespect but she has never dated or is a nun. Naughty....indeed. If one deserves to be punished for loving a man and then to be used like a doormat then why bother. No women, who has ever put her Heart out there to a man she has truely loved deserves to be played with like a cat plays with a mouse. Please ladies listen to this advice. I would never want any of you to go through the emotional, nerve wrecking, game playing of a mess I had to endure to learn what this women is trying to teach us. I'm stronger for it, but I learned the hard way, and now I know. The fool is gone, but don't be me.

Taurus said...

Hahaa.. c'mon. You are blowing this out of proportion. I am no one to punish anyone. Let's say I am a guy who is looking for a girl to grow old with.

You don't meet that person on the very first date. You come across many Women, some you decide from a far away distance that they're not your type, some you get close.

When we get close we start seeing the other side of the person. That makes you liking them more and sometimes disliking them. That is when we ignore/disappear.. etc.

It's not a game for anyone as you make it to be.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Wow dude, you did a complete 360 here. One minute your fessing up to punishing "naughty" girls like some mysoginist and the next, you're looking for a girl to grow old with . . how sweet.

Wishy, washy.

And blowing it out of proportion? Do you see how many hurt women comment here? Do you even REALIZE the pain this behavior causes another human being?

Blowing it out of proportion . . a typical response from someone treating dating like a sport - instead of realizing women are human beings with feelings and acting like a gentleman.

And it's scary taking a look in the mirror, isn't it? Once you realize that your behavior is actually clinical in nature, you do the ole' back peddle in reverse.

What you need to realize is that many men run game on women without even knowing it. It's psychological behavior that they're unaware of when doing it. It's not intentional, it's just fact. And that's when a good dose of self-awareness comes in. We all do things we don't realize were doing until someone points it out to us. And not all men behave like this, generally the insecure ones are the culprits.

The ones who can't face a woman, like a gentleman, and openly and honestly share their feelings with her. And the one's who don't take the time to realize the girl is a human being with feelings - because they're so self-absorbed they think of no one but themselves.

It takes two seconds to say, "I'm sorry. I like you as a person, but I just don't feel that spark."

Seriously, how hard is that? It literally takes two seconds of your life to show respect.

It's not a game but you openly admit to being a punisher to so-called "naughty" women. I think the only person you'll fool here is yourself. Many thanks for the insight and the admittance here though. This will help women learn to steer clear of these types and to also identify the back peddle act that many who behave like this will emplore once they're called out . . . "Who, me? Nah, not me."

As two Taurus individuals, we're obviously going to lock horns here so I think it's safe to say we should agree to disagree.

Taurus said...

Haha Sorry. But you make me feel like I am inhumane. I am actually the complete opposite. :) I don't wanna brag, but a few girls I know tell me that i'm sweet and sentimental even. So.. err.. I am not a predator or whatever the something you try to make me look like. :)

What I said in the first post was in general, trying to give it a general view. And NOT my personal opinion. And sorry.. but you sound a bit hostile towards men, in general. Could it be because you are a man yourself, inside? ;)

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Yes, I am a man, I pee standing up (not). Look, bottom line, you're the one who left that original comment.

And regarding men, just like with women, there are all different types. I'm not hostile towards men, I'm hostile towards a**holes and arrogant punks.

There's a BIG difference.

I treat men who are gentlemen VERY different from the way I treat the arrogant punks and a**holes of the world nowadays. There once was a day that I could not distinguish the differences but that day is gone. I see clearly now.

What is written above only applies to a certain type of man - it does NOT apply to gentleman. And it is only to be used when men are running game - it is NOT to be used on ALL men.

This information here is meant to help women learn to distinguish the difference between the punks and a**holes of the world from the gentleman - and then act accordingly.

And if you are a sweet and sentimental man as you claim, then I would think that you would have to agree with me on that. If you had a sister or a mother or a daughter or a BFF who was a woman being treated by a man as referenced above, I highly doubt that you would advise her to stay in that relationship - if you are the gentleman that you claim to be.

There are good men, there are bad men, there are good women, there are bad women. It's about deciphering the differences between them and removing yourself from the negative situations.

And if I knew a man who was experiencing any of the above from a woman in his life, I'd give him the same EXACT advice and, in fact, I have done exactly that with male friends in my personal life. It works both ways.

It's not really about a "battle of the sexes" it's more about demanding respect from others and standing up for yourself. And when not receiving it, removing yourself from the equation - man or woman.

Taurus said...

Yep, you made it clear enough. :) I said you are a man "inside". Don't take it the wrong way BTW. ;) Bye!

fedupcapricorn said...

Anyway, now that Taurus the moron is finally gone business can resume....I had a question/ inquiry if its not to much trouble. My Libra has contacted me twice with text, I know he will soon text, call or email soon. Its hard being in love with a child but I plan to stick to my guns as far as not having him in my life anymore and ignoring him from now on. I dont know what the future hold but its not within me to do another 2 years. I love him and what he did this time really hurt me, but I realize if I dont do this he will keep trying to hurt me and play this back and forth cycle game if I keep allowing it. The way Im acting towards him now, Im sure he thinks I fell into oblivion lol. I truely feel like if I dont do this he will never take me seriously or man up. I wanted to know what to you think of this course of action I have taken and do they ever change the daydreaming manchild. Do they ever realize what they lost? I'm not waiting to see, I refuse, but I'm curious to know. Thank you again.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

That's a tough one. Because each individual is different and it's hard to predict when someone will grow up, for lack of a better term.

Do they ever realize what they lost? Yes. I know a whole group of men that I affectionately call the "coulda, woulda, shoulda" club. But not all of them do something about it, other than sit and think , "Boy I coulda" or "Man I shoulda" or "If I only woulda . . " That's as far as they get. They know what needs to be changed, but don't lift a finger to actually change anything. They are openly remorseful, but prefer to remain in a state of inactive self-pity.

I think this course of action is healthy for you. I think it is making you stronger and it will continue to do so. I think it will help you detach from this negative situation. And I think, in the end, it will empower you.

Now . . he's another story, regretfully. Because here's the reality. 1.) He may never change even though he may acknowledge he needs to and 2.) If he does decide to actually work on himself, a process like that can take years to fully manifest. Do you have years to stand by his side, putting your own wants and desires aside, to help HIM be a better man? I don't think a woman should waste the best years of her life like that. Some may think that's harsh, but the way I see it, no one was born to simply be a savior to someone else. We're all entitled to our own lives and our own happiness.

So I think a healthy approach to this might be to look at this as permanent. You may be permanently broken up. DO NOT wait for him to change. View this as a permanent breakup and proceed with your life. If he wants to work on himself, that's great. But HE needs to do that on HIS own, without weighing anyone else down with his problems.

If you go your way and continue to become strong and independent and he goes his way and decides to work on himself, get (and hold) a job, etc. . . then whose to say what happens two years from now, ya' know? But you each need to do the work apart so that when/if you come together again someday, you have the ability to fall in love with the new individual you have each become.

He may miss you, he may call and admit that he fears he's lost you. He may tell you exactly what you want to hear. However, he needs to do the work and it's only the actions that will tell the tale. And you don't need to be there, should he decide to do the work, carrying him along.

He needs to man up and do this on his own, and then come back and woo you again - like a man.

fedupcapricorn said...

This is true, if he does not come correct as a man would do then why bother. You know how your in love with someone and you may start to doubt your actions. If was not my actions I doubted but was I going about it the right way. This was due to the fact he let me know he was in town again and again contacted me by text. I felt if he can be casual about disappearing and give no explanation then he can get on. I felt he does not truely love me. I deserve better than that crap. Also I thought about what you said is he worth it, so I came up with no. I was also pissed because of the games and we both have degree's and he a masters but he live like a mooching vagabon sickens me, yet I can't make him man up. Those days are gone.
This had to be the final ignore goodbye because with the MIA thing it hit me he could still hurt me. He never did this before but thats no excuse and I can not excuse this because it was done on purpose, the final act of stupidity I will take from him love or no love. No man who loves a women would do this and as I always would say the difference between a truth and a lie, is actions. You have helped me a lot in moving on. Its not easy, but I know I can if I don't, it will be more BS and he needs to work on him. I can do better this I know for sure! He does not deserve me and I sure as HECK do not DESERVE HIM. Thank for helping us ladies keep our pride and our heads on straight. When it comes to love ladies use your head first before your heart.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Have no doubt, what you are doing is indeed the right thing for YOU. And that's all that matters right now. Never give a man more than you receive from him or the balance will forever be lopsided, with the woman on the short end, pulling all the weight and doing all the work and worrying for a man. Nah, you don't need or deserve that.

And you're going about it just fine, in a nice, healthy way by distancing yourself, keeping your emotions in check and making an overall lifestyle adjustment. This WILL payoff for you, you'll see. And in more ways that one. Once you learn to stand up for yourself and a man comes along that treats you the way you deserve to be treate, ladies . . you will NEVER settle for anything less EVER again, trust me.

And I have to agree, leading with your head and not your heart is the way to go. You "qualify" men - you don't wait for them to "qualify" you. And you pass on the ones that don't fulfill YOUR needs. Men lead with their heads and not their hearts, so it's best to do so yourself when it comes to relationships.

And men EXPECT women to lead with their hearts and emotions - that's why they play these games. They play on that. Don't give it to them.

As time goes on, you'll see, you're going to feel better and better about this knowing that you've made the right decisions for yourself and YOU'RE the one in the drivers seat - not him.

leo in love with an aries said...

loved this article. had me rolling on the floor, clapping my hands, nodding my head in agreement the entire time because it describes my not-so-relationship relationship with this aries guy that i have totally fallen for. make em wait ladies! ;)

ConfusedCapricorn said...

I wish I'd read this before - I've probably blown my chances with the Taurus guy I've met. Hoping for help if you have the time.
I'm a Capricorn woman, mid 40s, signed up to eHarmony 3 months ago.Began emailing a guy 6 yrs older than me, so much chemistry. After 3 weeks we met for the 1st date. It was fantastic - never met a man who ticked so many boxes for me. Due to us both being freelancers in our respective businesses, this was happening at an incredibly crazy busy time for both of us. So we had 3 dates spread out over 6 weeks simply due to work commitments. Just after date 3 (I was foolish & dropped my guard and slept with him) Taurus had to fly for business 10,000 miles away. His trip was extremely stressful and he was also ill whilst away. I had a little contact while he was away for the 12 days but not much. He emailed to tell me he was flying home. I sent a fun 'welcome back to the wet UK, bring a boat!' message and he replied 8 hours later telling me that he'd just got home and said he had received bad news re a close family member who has cancer and his big contract was in trouble due to some firings in the organisation and ended his email 'I'll ping you an email as soon as I've sorted the mess out here and got back on track with my personal stuff too, speak soon, Taurus XXX'.
So that was a week ago. I replied by text 10 hrs after he sent that message saying he must be under a lot of stress and I hoped it all sorted out soon for him and that I looked forward to hearing from him. No reply. 3 days later, I texted a simple 'Hi, hope you’re ok x' text...no reply. 2 days ago I stupidly thought that maybe he'd like an email to let him know I was thinking of him as he's said from day one how much he loved the way I wrote my emails. I wrote, asked how life was for him, said I hoped the bad things had been sorted out & that life was settling down now & I ended it in what I see now as the worst way ever by telling him that I had missed him & that I really liked him & that I was looking forward to seeing him again & catching up with his news & gossip. I signed off the same affectionate way that he'd signed off all of his emails. I actually thought that he would appreciate hearing that even if he was out of sight, he wasn't out of my mind & that I was thinking of him. Having read here and on the other Taurus-based pages, I am really thinking I’ve messed up big time as I still haven't had a response. All my friends are telling me he’s gone and that's it. They're insistent that he's got what he wanted and hes ‘F-ed off’ as they put it. I honestly felt in my gut that this guy wasn't that type, that he’d tell me if he wasn’t interested. I always (until that last email) just responded in a like manner to anything he did - if he texted after a day then I'd do the same. I never replied in a mushy way (I was admittedly slightly mushy in that last email, the 1st time I've done it and only because I thought he'd appreciate knowing I was here).
Am I being naive in thinking he's just overwhelmed with all the stuff he has happening in his life right now? Whenever there was a gap in him responding to messages previously, he has ALWAYS apologised for the delay and told me the reason why he was unable to respond to me. Even his last email saying he needed to clear the decks was sent apologising his email was brief and sorry this was all happening right now. Again, my friends are all yelling - 'he's gone. Thats it. You've just experienced the slow fade out...' Am I stupid??? Because right now I feel stupid. And extremely sad because I really trusted this man and I really liked him a lot...takes a lot for me to feel I can trust someone and I cannot believe that my judgment was so out of kilter with regard to Taurus.
Hoping for some of your wisdom. x

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

First off, let me say that I feel for you. The pranks these men pull are simply downright cruel in nature and I feel many of them are straight up cowards. They have little knowledge of what this behavior does to another human being because they don't stick around for the fallout. This is precisely why I feel being somewhat of a bitch is necessary in the early days of dating - it's like armor in my opinion, to protect yourself.

Men manipulate women, it's as simple as that. And many don't even realize that's what they're doing. A guy knows if he thinks you're a keeper or not - but he'll sleep with you either way, which is not the behavior of a gentleman if you ask me. And as men age, it doesn't get any better, they don't mature in that respect.

Here's what I can tell you at this point. YOU are most important here. He's just a man. And for every man that walks away, another moves into his place, lickety split. When make make excuses, that's all they are - a bunch of excuses. When a man is genuinely interested in a woman, he'll go to great lengths to win her over. Which is why it pays greatly to hold out - AND MAKE HIM PROVE HIMSELF to you.

Regretfully sister, I think these are a bunch of excuses he's throwing at you. And yes, maybe your judgment was clouded by your emotions. He's obviously not the man he portrayed himself to be.

But let's not focus on that. Let's focus on the future here. The fact that he pulled this lil stunt doesn't spell the end. He may be back. But that will only happen if you stun him in some manner - which is usually by disappearing completely. No text, no calls, no responses. Disappear completely and if you hear from him - don't respond for a couple of days and when you do, keep it light, keep it casual. No talk of feelings or emotions.

When a guy communicates strictly by text or email rather than manning up and calling a woman, that's always a big red flag for me. It's a sign of someone keeping "distance" in the situation. Someone who wants to get close "connects" on a level. Connections are not formed via text or email, not deep ones anyway.

Just by what I read here, if you ask me, I don't think this had ANYTHING to do with YOU and EVERYTHING to do with HIM. Why? Because he's coming off as emotionally unavailable to me. Communicating in ways that create distance, taking lots of time in between seeing you and using work as an excuse, not reciprocating in kind words or small gestures. Those are subtle, but all signs of someone who is simply unable or not willing to connect emotionally. And to be honest with you, men with this problem are some of the hardest to have relationships with. Men like this tend to do the same thing with family, their children - you name it. They're generally about themselves and everyone else in their life is background noise so-to-speak.

I took his last email to translate somewhat like this, "I like you, but I'm not sure how much. And right now, I'm important and I don't have time to think about this. So I'm going to place you on the back burner for a while. I might call you again, but I don't know when."

It's rough and it hurts, I know. And the way I handle men like that personally . . when I hear from them again, I have very little respect for them at that point. I am very blase' in my responses - if I respond at all. When someone treats me like that, I tend to loose interest in them. And most, I'll see once more casually, and then I disappear on them. They start wondering what's wrong and I never explain, I could care less. The last one actually said to me, "Wow, you really don't care, do you?" Umm, nope. Not after that type of treatment. I don't have time to stick around, waiting for some guy to decide if I'm worthy or not. I'll make that decision myself and deem HIM unworthy.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

But everyone's different. And some men may mean more to us than others. Either way, in your situation, you need to disappear. If and when you hear from him (if you stay gone you have a better chance of that happening because right now, I guarantee you he's expecting you to chase and pursue him), you don't respond immediately. As I said, he's EXPECTING to hear from you. The way to get him thinking about you and the opportunity he may have missed here is to disappear and have him start to question himself. "Where is she?" "I thought she liked me." "Where did she go, why isn't she contacting me?" That's what he needs to think and that will only happen if he doesn't hear from you and receives no response for days at a time when he does contact you.

And the best thing about that - it feels SO good to take back control. It's empowering and it sends a message, "I won't let you walk all over me." Men stand up and pay attention to that from a woman.

Personally, I think you'll hear from this one again. Stay away, stay strong and keep lots of "distance" between your communications after he does contact you again. Mirror HIS actions towards YOU. Turn the tables when you hear from him again. And should you decide to see him again, no sex. Not for weeks. This one has to PROVE he's serious and he's going to stick around if he does come back for round two. When and if he does want to see you again, you're busy the first time he asks you out. Offer another day instead. He has to think you have a life and most importantly - other OPTIONS in men. He'll need to seriously step up his game.

Don't be so understanding and accomodating to him and what's going on in his life right now, if any of that is even true. It could all be a bunch of bullshit and made up excuses. So don't buy into it. You're busy with your own life and his problems are HIS PROBLEMS. Say something to the effect of, "Well hey, if you ever get all of that worked out, call me. I may still be available but I do have other options that I'm going to explore right now."

So for right now, stay gone, sit back, relax and date other people. You're on a dating site and there are plenty of other men out there. And when you go on these dates, don't look at any of these men as if they could be the one. Just have fun, converse and enjoy yourself. The one that sticks around, call regularly and asks to see you frequently - that's the one that gets YOUR attention.

So when you hear from him again, you definitely wait a few days to respond and you casually work into the conversation that you're actively dating and exploring other options. If he comes off a lil miffed at this, you gently remind him he had more important things to attend to - and that other men want your time and attention.

Because honey, I'm quite sure that there are many who do. So while this one's trying to get his shit, or his story, straight . . life goes on for you. And you most definitely get that point across if you ever hear from him again. Frankly, if it were me, I'd take great pleasure in that and in yanking him around quite a bit when he does return. I know that may sound harsh, but MEN do this all the time to WOMEN and when one does this to me, game on. I'm going to let you know what you've missed out on and what other men are enjoying and appreciating.

All is fair in love and war. You never let your opponent see you sweat - NEVER.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Confused Capricorn,
I said a mouthful there, but I have one other thought to add. This applies to you because you're dating online right now.

There's a pattern that appears in many men when dating online - the grass is always greener affect. So many women, so little time. It's becoming an epidemic and I've read lots of recent articles about it.

Dating experts say that if you meet someone who is 80% of what you're looking for in a partner, you should run towards them. The other 20% can be worked out.

But when dating online, men tend to think, "I liked her, but what if I like someone else more? She's 80% of what I'm looking for, but what if I can find 100%?" Yea, men are stupid like that and they fantasize about a 100% fit. They also fantasize about a variety of women as well.

Dating experts think this epidemic taking place is actually destroying what could be true, genuine connections. Because the "grass is always greener" effect is clouding men's judgment.

Well, you're dating online too. So take advantage of that. Date as many men as you see fit. It's only a date, not a marriage proposal anyway.

And when dating online ladies, be VERY aware of this epidemic taking place. Again, a man who is genuinely interested calls regularly. He wants to see you frequently. He doesn't make excuses, he makes time for you. Don't let these guys send an email and get a date. Give them your number first and see if they man up and call. If they do, you have a minimum of 3 phone conversations first. Then after speaking, you get to decide if it's even worth your time to meet him.

If a guy online throws his number at you and expects you to call instead of him asking you for yours and manning up and calling you - you don't call. Please God, do not call. You will set the tone from day one of you doing all the work while he sits back and women ring his phone all day. You want to be DIFFERENT to him, not like all the other women. And you demand respect.

So if a guy online throws his number at you, you don't call, you give him yours. If he never calls, you move on, don't see that one. He's signaling to you that you'll have to do all the work from day one and pursue him. No thanks.

And when you date a man online, definitely no sex for a month or two. Because you can guarantee he's also dating others and sleeping with them too. Again, no thanks. He'll have to prove himself and that he's genuinely interested first by coming around frequently and calling often.

So ladies, be very aware of the online dating epidemic of "the grass is greener." And when you go on a date with one man, you don't stop there. You see others as well. You're not sleeping with any of them, so this is all fine and dandy.

You're looking for the cream of the crop. You have lots of options online so take advantage of them and the one who is genuine - will rise to the top, above all others.

Sweet_Barbie said...

I need some advice. I know this Aries for two months and i really really like him. He liked me too but for some weird reason he started blowing me off.. then he'll talk and be sweet then disappear the next day. I must say i am guilty of the calls and emails, not frequently but more than how i normally operate, because our connection was very uncanny. I realize he has been bl;owing me off and i feel horrible cause i want to know why... he doesn't respond to my email, neither did he return my call. I decided that i would delete his number, block him from facebook and eliminate all possible contact except skype, which i hardly use anyway. I hope this will work cause i can assure you i am not a clingy woman, it was just that i am not accustomed to having this connection with anyone... will this work to get back my dignity?

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Sweet Barbie,
I do think this will help you. However, as with most things in relationships, things take time to set in.

At first, you may not notice the affect this move may have. But what I have found usually happens is this:

One day, it may be days, weeks even months later, you will receive confirmation and validation of some form that you did the right thing.

To clarify a bit, I've done this before. And weeks later, I started to second guess my decision. . .and then BAM. Out of the blue, I'll hear something or discover something about the guy, something he did or something he's currently doing (most times, to someone else) and I'll think, "Oh my God, what a scoundrel!"

And then I sit back, get a big smile on my face and say, "Yea, I did the right thing. He's a POS, this proved it and I'm glad he didn't have the opportunity to do that to me."

And it makes me laugh even more to realize these guys are generally used to getting their way when it comes to these games . . . but with me, I turned the tables around, disappeared like lightening, never to be heard from or reached again. And I bet THAT DRIVES HIM NUTS!

They'll never admit it, but it does drive them nuts. And even funnier, you're the one they won't forget - because you weren't like the rest. And that's when they usually crawl back - only to get the non-response from you - that they gave to you.

In the end, this will come full circle - you'll see. And you'll be glad you dodged that bullet :-)

ConfusedCapricorn said...

Thank you so much, Mirror of Aphrodite. Your comments and advice were very much appreciated. I've spent the last couple of days licking my wounds because I didn't see your response until after I had rather foolishly emailed him once again - 'Hi Taurus, just thought I'd touch base with you. How are you? How is your poorly aunt? I do hope she is recovering well. ConfusedCapricorn xx' And no, as you will already know, he has not replied. I guess that any chance that he would get in touch with me has now been well and truly blown to smithereens. Two days have passed. He flies out of the country again in two days time for a two week break with one of his children. I feel so stupid...why did I email him again? I could kick myself...very hard.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

As difficult as it may be, DO NOT contact him again. It will only push him away further.

You may hear from him again in a couple months. However, at that point in time, you may no longer want him.

Don't beat yourself up. Everything happens for a reason. And I think you learned something very valuable here. So that may be the reason your two paths crossed - to assist one another in learning something of value.

And it could be that you learned this lesson here with him, because he's NOT the one. But having learned this valuable lesson, when the right one does come along - you know what to do.

So it could be that you met him to learn a lesson that you can apply when you meet your Mister Right ;-)

Unknown said...

Im an aquarius whi has a crush on Aries man. He into my job bartender) out of who know wher but there was a instant attraction. He says to me if I was anythg like I used to be I wuld pick you up and carry u out of this place.I gave a little smile and continued about my business as he intensly stared st me for a good while then left. He didnt come back to my job until about two weekends later. He or dered a drink and stared at me for the most part finished his drink then left. The following weeend he came to my job and done the same thing except I was so busy I didnt see him leave. So I asked a Co worker snd he said he was outside so I gave him a peace of psper to give him which was,my # I norm dont give #but for some reason I thgt I would never see him agin.he text me that night and introduces himself and to give me his number. So we pretty much been texg everyday up until last weekend. Third week into texg hewas out of town and he randomely sent me a text basically saying he wanted me sexually it was kinda vulgur to me. I text him I wasnt interested and I knie someone who was.What was I thiinking. He freaked out being very rude saying he didnt care he didnt like me he didnt know why I gave him my # n the first place. I told him to stop texg me. He continued texg me randomly for a week straight. I tild him he had no empathy and he was really mean. He replied why should I hsve empathy. I replied for starters It eould make you one step away from being a pysco psthe if he didnt we started
back texting normal convo.He csme back to town a few days later he asked me ciuld he see me but it was on 4 th of July and I wss wiyh the fsmily so I told him th next day would be better. He said ok.Next day comes around snd he says hes sick frim hangover no I guess thst meant no date and I wasnt going to ask. We continued textin textin textin.So last weeken he comes to my job and I was had been drinking some wine so I had a lill buzz going. My boss made reference to his,mani and they were going back and forth at what I thought was a joke. So I was laughing. I wake uo to a text that said I was going to let u have it if I was a tad bit drunker because you laughed really hard at what your boss said.I told him well you wouldve been letting the wrong person have it then and I have nothing against mani on men it was just funny wahat tgey were saying. So he replies you looked like a lame. I said so y do you text me if thats how u felt He replies I just realized it last night. Do I replied you said what you needed to say so it was ok to know you. He replies yup. Later that night I text him Iapologize it wasnt funny to you and that it made u uneasy towards me and thst wasnt my intentions. He replied ehat he said didnt offend me bu when you sart laughing hard I was thinking what the fu##. I replied o and thsy ended the conversation.Two dsys eent past and of course hr hasnt text me. He initiates 97% of our text just so you know. I find myself missing hm. So I send him a funny video. He replies y do I hsve to look at this. I reoly u dont hsve to but its funny and I remember you said u never saw it. He replies I only watch one comedian so im not interested. Then he texts I probably catch you around the city. I reply yea probably take care. He replies yea cus im not ciming to that bar anymore. I reply o and that ended the conversation. So two days go by and one late night he sent me a pic of him not smiling mind you.I happen to be woke so I asked y did you send MD that. He replied so when you think of me you can look at it.. So I fall asleep then wake up to a text that says you like me you just dont know what to do with me. I didnt reply. Then he text me,your not going to miss me. I reply miss you I dont know about all of that bubut your so peculiar you definitely will be remembered. He replies dam sorry uet to see the best of me. I replied y didnt I. He replies short amount of time I replied that majes,sense amongst other things. He replies yea cus im done with that bar. I reply o ok and that ened the convo

Unknown said...

Sorry my word were scrambled a bit but. Plllease help. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I'm so fed up with this stupid taurus guy and reading the comments you(mirrorofaphrodite) made about these kinds of situations, im re-considering.

So this is my situation:
me and the taurus guy liked each other for a long long long time, but it was skinny love. Untill he wanted to tell me he liked me, but i backed off because i was nervous but i liked him non the less! And then i wanted to tell him, and when i did, he said he didn't like me. I was so crushed. I felt so horrible. And then he dissappeared for a year and a few months, and now he's back. And when he did come back he started to get jealous because i was talking to other guys. And i've caught him staring at me every now and then. I just want to know what the hell is going in his mind? Why the sudden come back? I think i might still like him..but.. i don't know. I just want to see where his head is at, it drives me mad!!!

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Be careful with this one. He's seems a tad emotionally unstable and being an Aries, he prefers to be a "warrior" of sorts, starting battles constantly in order to get attention.

If you date him, everyday of your life will be like this. I've met Aries men like this before and it's non-stop with them. Problem is, if you're used to more of a traditional relationship, this type of relationship will drain you and leave you exhausted. In addition, these types can tend to be very mean and say very hurtful things.

So just be aware that these tendencies will display themselves in a dating situation with him, because he's already displaying them and this is in the very early stages. A little too early to be acting like that.

I'm getting a big time game player vibe from the description of him. A man who will toy with a woman's head and emotions stoop if necessary to get what he wants.

Just be careful because a man like that can really hurt a woman tremendously with those games once the woman develops feelings for him.

If I were you, I'd test these waters a bit more before moving forward with him. Stay at a distance and continue to note his behavior and then go from there once you decide whether he's worth it or not. Don't jump in head first with this one, I'm getting the sense he may burn you because there's a tad too much drama from him and negative attention getting behavior.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Libra Lady,
This one would really have to prove himself to me. He's already hurt you once before. He sounds a tad insecure and like he may be circling back around just to prove something to himself - and that would be that he can do this all over again.

He's have to prove to me that he genuinely likes me before I'd decide to move into anything with him. If you want to see where his heads at, you're going to have to sit back and observe to find out. If you decide to communicate with him, I wouldn't believe a word he SAYS. I'd watch his ACTIONS. His actions are going to speak louder than his words here.

A guy who genuinely likes you will attempt to impress you, he will be nice to you, he will treat you like a lady. Anything short of that wouldn't wash with me.

He's jealous which reads as insecurity to me and insecure guys can be very cruel. Sometimes, they don't even really like the woman. They just pretend to, to see if they can get her to jump. Then once she jumps and they know they can have her, poof . . they're gone. Then they go laugh about how they made this girl jump and go tell their friends. Insecurity can make people behave strangely.

As with Antoinette above, I'm going to tell you the same thing. Keep a distance with this one and observe. Do not move forward with him until he really proves a genuine interest with you. Because he could just be out to prove something to himself here.

Unknown said...

Thank you so much. He is very much full of drama. It seems after I read my sent comment. It sound ridiculous to me and I figured you would reply as such. And your absolutely right. Get this he actually came to my job lastnight and mingled and mangled. Umm I thought he said he wasnt but whatever. To many games. I really want to play him at his on game. I know that would be to walk away. Dammm. Thanks again:-)

Anonymous said...

Thankyou for helping :)

Anonymous said...

Hello, Im a capricorn woman who has fallen for a taurus man who is much younger than i. What i have read so far on here is very interesting as well as scary. Me and un taurus guy has been dealin with each other for a few months now and im very confused by his feelings for me. Now as capricorn someone revealing their feelings for me so soon makes me nervous, but with him it was different. He expressed his feelings for me first to express his feelings for me, the first to say I love u. I met several family memers of his. Been introduced to some of his friends. He would show and still shows ffection towards me in front of them. He definitely does not hide his feelings for me. Ok now, there has been the disappearing thing happening. The first time was like about a month n half ago. Its like he fell off the face of the earth for two weeks. After tryin to reach out to him the first couple of days, i assumed that it was ova and proceeded with my life. On 4th of july i had invited a mutual friend of ours to a.cookout gathering. Well long beholds he popped up as well to my surprised and acted like i just saw him the day before. Well the capricorn in me ad to kno what was up. So he xpressed that he was fallng to hard and that scared not only that but he didnt.like that he cant do nothin for me or get me things bcuz of his financial status. Of course i explained that im not with him bcuz of thst and reassured him that i wasnt goin nowhere. He admited that, that was selfish of him and said he didnt want to lose me, so he will make more of an effort. Now things seem to get back on track. But i noticed the past couple of weekends i do not hear from him. At first i tried to be understanding bcuz he started school and he will be starting a new job. But i have not heard from him in four days. I dont kno what to think of it. Im usually a patient person but this back n forth shit is kill.

Anonymous said...

Continue.....in me. I have read that taurus men loves to be persued but on the other hand its best to leave them alone. I dunno what to do. I wanba cuss him out. What should i.do?

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

DO NOT yell at him or confront him about this. Not unless you're ready to let go of him for good, because he will certainly disappear if you do that. He's already teetering on the brink of disappearing.

More importantly, re-read the piece above to see what to do. You NEVER let a man know he's getting to you. If you loose control of your emotions here, he's going to know he's got you - and then the real games will begin. Because when a woman freaks out and looses control of her emotions with a man, men view that as weakness, not strength. And this is because they see it all the time. The woman freaks out, looses control - and then stays with him.

There's no real consequence there for him and it comes across like an idle threat. All he does with that once it happens is uses the entire story to entertain his friends. "Man, this chic freaked out. She really likes me, you should've seen it, she was nuts."

You don't want that. Instead of loosing control, you want him to take notice. The only way to accomplish that is by disappearing and not making yourself so available to him everytime he disappears and then rings your phone. Everytime he disappears and rings you and your right there, he knows he doesn't have to treat you well because you'll be there even if he doesn't.

When he disappears for a weekend and rings you 3 days later - you take 3 days to respond. If he disappears for two week and then contacts you - you don't answer for two weeks. THAT is a MESSAGE that men hear loud and clear. And if he genuinely likes you, he'll stop doing that because he knows the consequences for treating you like that is the same treatment he's giving you.

If you could disappear on him and go hang with your girlfriends or go to the bars or spend a week or so with another guy - and then ring him and he picks up right away and is there . . . would you really be worried about not doing that to him again? Nope. Because he would be signaling to you that no matter what you do, he'll be there.

If you want proper treatment, you need to respect yourself and demand it through your actions by mirroring his behavior towards you and treating him the way he treats you. If he really likes you - he'll get the message and stop doing that.

I don't think a woman should EVER pursue a man. A man should pursue a woman and work to woo her over. If you chase a man, he'll stop and take notice, you will get him - but not for long. Most times, for a few weeks only. He'll have some fun and then move on quick because there was no challenge, no fun for him there.

Always let a man pursue you and you'll never have to guess whether he likes you or not.

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much! That makes so much sense. Its funny bcuz im 32 and have gone thru this a few times before, and i would be quick to say adios! Dont know why with this man, its so different smh. After reading the article up above...its just pure common sense and im thinkin like i guess we get.so caught up in our feelings that we dont think of it in that way. Maybe for fear of losing the that person. But ur right, if he truly loves me like he claims he does then he will be the one to come check for me. I have not called, text, or emailed since he last time i saw him.
Thanks, reading ur words of wisdom has already empowered me. Amazing! :-)

Anonymous said...

One more thing....why decide to get into a relationship with me (which he asked for) If all you are goin to do is play this disappearing act? That baffles me. I just dont get that. Smh

32 Capricorn woman

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@32 Cappricorn Woman,
This is one of my favorite sayings with regards to women getting caught up in their emotions rather than using logic when it comes to romantic relationships:

"Act like a woman but think like a man." ;-)

Trust me, even if this doesn't work out as you hope it will, you WILL feel better about yourself for carrying yourself with dignity and respect in the face of all this.

As for why men do this, I haven't figured that one out yet. Maybe some brave man will show up here and fill us in someday LOL.

But when there seems to be no other real explanation, in my mind, it boils down to two things:

1.) Sex
2.) Ego

Men instinctively know that sex without strings is easier to slowly work a woman into rather than being blatent about it. So they pretend. They pretend they want a relationship, they pretend to care and they tell you what you want to hear. Men realize that if they can get you to believe they truly like you, even if they just want sex without strings whenever they want it, it's much easier to manifest that situation with a woman when you pretend you want a relationship. Because women tend to stick around longer and put up with more than they normally would when they think a guy wants a relationship.

The other issues, ego, is a bit more complicated. But some guys do this . . simply to see if they can. They may not feel like men and they may not have many positive male role models in their life to show them what a true gentlemen is, so they play games with women to validate their manhood. It feeds only their ego. But it's enough to make themselves feel good about themselves and manly, so to keep feeding that ego and the good vibes from feeling manly . . they keep playing the game.

Either way, if you follow the advice above . . you will get your answer as to his intentions. And it's better to get them sooner rather than later.

It's a great way for women to "sniff a man out" regarding his intentions and remove all guessing.

I wish you luck. Remain strong and you will find your Price . . and he will admire your strength and your respect for yourself :-)

Anonymous said...

It sucks that it has to be so damn complicated. Even tho its not....if that makes sense lol. It really does make perfect sense tho. Im going to do exactly what he has done. Which is, give exactly what he has giving me DISTANCE! Once again,.thank u. I have seen the light lo.

Anonymous said...

Holy sh*t! This is by far the best article I've ever read on this topic. Kudos to the author! So insightful and funny and true, really opened my eyes. I've been panicking over this guy for days and nothing I've read has been able to wake me up. Until now. Awesome, and thank you for opening my eyes!

Anonymous said...

I am in an utterly confusing situation, with you guessed it, a 42 male Taurus. It has been an on and off relationship for two and a half years. Most of the issues consist of him harboring severe insecurities about being unemployed (we are both attorneys) for a year and a half, and not happy where he is in his life etc.
I would have completely ended it a long time ago but for the amazing connection that we have. He says things to me that make me believe we have a future, such as I want to meet your parents, and next year we can do this etc, and that he imagines being married to me and thinks of me all the time.
In February, we finally had, what I thought was a closure conversation. He told me that we have been in this limbo for so long and would never get out of it. That in order to move us forward, he would have to move his life forward and that he is unsure if that is ever going to happen. I was understandably hurt, but accepted it and moved on. I was going through some health issues at the time and he said he wanted to help me. I told him that I am no longer his responsibility and that it is not needed. He continued to contact me anyway. Sometimes I responded, other times I didn’t.
This continued until May. He showed up to my door step when I was having a really bad day at work and comforted me. He told me that he was having panic attacks and possibly clinically depressed (about the state of his life and where he thought he would be at this age) and that he needed to seek treatment. After that encounter, I had no expectations given his current state. He continued to contact me etc and even saw me again before a vacation I was taking. He told me again that he needs to get a job and get his life in order. He texted me on the trip acting jealous of other guys in a playful way. Anyway, then he disappeared. I texted him three weeks later about some issues I am having at work and that I was not doing well. He wrote me back the next day and was sweet and encouraging, but didn’t mention why he disappeared. I didn’t respond for a week, and said things were not going well at work at all and I was concerned about my job. He never responded. So I didn’t contact him again. I just found out that he finally got a job, but I am shocked he didn’t tell me.

I am trying to go on with my life. Do you think I will ever hear from him again?

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I feel for you, I do. However, I'm not sure I'm buying his "whoa is me" excuse. Because for a 42 year old man to think his life will never pick back up again, insinuating he'll never work again or get it together again at the age of 42 . . that isn't even realistic.

Yes, he may have been depressed about being out of work for so long, but we all know that life is a roller coaster, complete with ups and downs. If he actually went to treatment, then I'll buy that. If he didn't, then it was just talk.

Additionally, if that was the real reason he wasn't moving forward with you, when he got a job, that should've been a green light right there, yet he did nothing.

I'm sure he's a nice enough guy, but he's playing the wounded soul role - and none of his ACTIONS are following through with his original statements.

So all I'm saying to you is - be wary. When a guys words don't line up with his actions, chances are he's manipulating the woman and playing on her emotions. Either for sympathy to get attention or for an excuse to not move forward. I don't buy into a man's sob stories unless his actions align with them. Because most men, they don't want anyone to know that they're in that state - if they truly are. So when they finally do vocalize about it, they will take action as well. If they just talk "whoa is me" and do nothing, it's suspicious to me.

Anywho, will you hear from him again - YES, definitely. Only this time, he won't be able to use the "whoa is me" excuse so it'll be interesting to see what he has to say. And I know what it'll be already, "I was just really busy with my new job and all." Uh huh, ok. To busy to celebrate your good fortune and the obstacle that's no longer in your way with the woman you claim to care about? Okay.

See where I'm going with this? Just beware, he could be the man of many excuses, one right after the other. You'll hear from him again for sure. But when you do, you need to pay close attention to his ACTIONS. Forget his words.

I've met many men that run this wounded soul game. Seeking the sympathies of women and gaining their affections while not having to life a finger to take the relationship to the next level because they have one sob story reason after another not to. Excuses. One guy I know, he runs that game on EVERY single woman he meets. Every one. Only his game is, "I don't know if I can ever trust anyone again. My wife cheated on me." But do you know what the reality there is? He had a mistress for two years during their marriage, and the entire time she carried their second child.

But he'll play that wounded soul act over and over and over. It allows him to become intimate with a woman without ever having to invest in a relationship with her - because he's so wounded and he's already put her on notice of that. So she shouldn't have any expectations because of it.

Just be careful is all. When he returns, and he will, pay close attention is all. If he does nothing to move towards you or move the relationship forward, jump ship. He'll keep you in this loop as long as he can benefit from it without having to give in return.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the response Mirror of Aphrodite. I will heed the warnings and look at his actions when I hear from him again. Hopefully its sooner rather than later.

Anonymous said...

I've known this guy for 3 years now. In the beginning everything was smooth sailing. We met, found each other interesting .. him more than me, I didn't really care for him but eventually fell into his charming manner. He was really persistent and never gave up trying to win my attention. Like you said, men love the chase and he definitely enjoyed it. We eventually started talking, feelings became mutual and the connection was great. We talked for about 4-5 months and then from there on everything just started to fall apart, for several reasons. A relationship with the other person simply just wasn't in our best interest at the time. We're both very independent and there was never a problem with respecting each others need for space/freedom because it was our way of self-independence and staying in control of our own lives. A year has passed since we've stopped talking, however, we'd occasionally see each other at party events and at the bars. We both live in a small city where everyone basically knows everyone so running into each other from time to time seemed inevitable. That didn't make things any easier for me because even though we both stopped talking due to the best interest for ourselves, I still cared about him and he still cared about me. Dumb? It was just difficult for us to talk at the time, therefore, we both decided that it'd be best to just remain friends.

Whatever the case, during these times of randomly running into each other, we'd of course say hi and make small talk. Every time I would see him, feelings would come rushing back so I was never really able to completely move on because he was always in the back of my mind. Now I'm not sure how he feels throughout all of this because he blows hot and cold. We keep contact through txting/facebook. NOW, he has pulled the disappearing act on me a couple of times and I was stupid enough to not think much of it because I made the mistake of making myself available to him when he needed me and wanted me during the time where we decided to just be friends, if that makes sense. So yes, he has taken advantage of my good side.

ANYWAYS here's what happened. We hung out one night and yes I went over to his place late at night. Nothing tremendous happened, we just casually had a few beers, watched a movie, and talked. It was a good and chill night. Then out of no where, BAM, he disappears the next day.

He didn't reply to my txts and stopped bugging me. I was so pissed off to the point where I just said screw it. I think I was more upset at myself for putting myself in this situation again because it does hurt you. :/ Either way, I decided the hell with him, I deserve better! So there I was again, trying to move on. We didn't contact each other for about 2-3 weeks after and then the other night I saw him at the bars. DAMN YOU SMALL TOWN! We waved and said hi to each other but this time was different. Anger was all I felt when I saw him and I knew I was not going to let myself make the same continuous mistake again. I was with a bunch of my other guy friends so it took him awhile to approach me and offer to buy me a drink. I boldly decided to confront him about his "DISAPPEARING ACT" and he even admitted that he did it. I asked him where he's been and his response was, "Home." I gave him a few dirty looks and he could tell that I was unhappy with him. I left that night acting calm, cool, and collected. He txted me but I haven't txted him back after having confronted him and now he thinks I'm acting "salty" towards him. Seems like being a bitch and giving him attitude is the only way to get his attention. Please tell me what do you think? Is he bad news?

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

You are indeed acting salty towards him and rightfully so. That right there, that statement was made by him to play on your emotions, to manipulate you into guilt. He's attempting to make you feel guilty for treating him "salty" as he puts it. Yet he suffers no guilt for disappearing on you even though he's admitted to doing so.

So first of all, don't fall for that, rather see through it. See through the game of manipulation he's attempting to use on you.

I think he's texting you simply to test you. He knows he's done wrong, he knows you're upset, he knows you have a right to be upset with him - so now, he's testin the waters to see if he still has your attention.

If it were me, personally, I would not react to anything he's doing, nor would I contact him. Is he bad news? I don't think he's necessarily a bad guy, but may be bad for you. Because he's tinkering with you, tinkering with your emotions and using you. He's using you as a crutch for when he needs to feel good about himself.

Anyone who manipulates, uses people, is non-apologetic and makes you an emotional wreck is bad for you.

Women need to be around men who make them feel good about themselves, not men who make them feel bad about themselves.

If "home" is where he's been . . eff it, leave him at home. If you let this one keep coming back, this will get worse.

If he decides to man up and come clean, apologize and be genuine instead of manipulative - then I'd slowly let him back into my life. But not until that day and not until he proves it.

I think he's feeding his ego here.

Anonymous said...

I agree completely. Sometimes I wonder if he ever felt anything real towards me at all. How disappointing, I thought I was much smarter than this yet instead, I fell into his tricks and games. :(

Unknown said...

Hi, I really hope you can help me...here's my story..

I met this 31 yo Taurus guy online (I'm a libra) and we immediately hit it off. We began texting daily and would talk non-stop via text (he doesn't like talking on the phone). At the time I started talking with him I was taking a break from my bf of 10 years and deciding whether I was going to break up the relationship or get back with him. I was really upfront with the new guy and he actually was a good listener to my problems. He actually told me that he had broken up with his gf of 7 years 3 months ago.

We actually ended up becoming really close with each other and both told each other that we liked each other...he even mentioned how "addicted" he felt towards me. We also went on a few dates and he seemed really interested in me (although nothing physical ever happened). I ended up breaking up with my bf not because of the feelings I was developing for this new guy but because I just felt like the relationship wasn’t right and that I need to date around for awhile and be more independent (my 10 yr relationship was the only relationship that I’ve ever had). Me and the new guy would talk about so many things and I asked him if he is ready to settle down and get married and he said yes. I told him I was happy for him but when he asked me if I was ready I told him that I wasn't yet thats why I feel the need to explore my life and be on my own. My new guy revealed that he is guarded (he said he doesn't want to be this way) and doesn’t want to run the risk of getting hurt. He said that me rushing into a relationship with someone else wouldn't be wise since he thinks I need to be single for a bit. He said that this is something that is going to have to take a lot of time and that we should be friends for now. I agreed with him. He also said that we are in 2 very different places and I agreed but I said that it doesn't mean that we can't eventually get to the same place and he agreed.

Throughout the whole time we’ve been on 6 dates but slowly he seemed to drift away from me saying that he is really busy with work. And he also started to get really sensitive about things always assuming that I was out on other dates even though I told him that I hadn't been on a date since I saw him! I think I got really attached to him and it almost started to feel like we were bf and gf just before he started to pull away from me. He has left for Europe for 2 weeks and I’ve tried asking him to meetup before he left since I haven’t seen him in like a month but he just said he’s too busy. I don't understand how he could not want to see me when he used to tell me how much he missed me only after a few days of us seeing each other! I ended up bumping into him at the mall and later saw him there with another girl just before he left for his trip. How does he have time to spend with another girl and not me (even if she is just a friend)? I feel really hurt since he didn’t respond to my text where I told him that I would miss him when he goes away. Is he really into me and just scared of his emotions because we got so attached really fast? Or does he not have any feelings for me anymore and is just afraid to hurt me? I keep thinking that once he gets back from Europe that he will go back to being the person he was before and not be distant anymore because he actually revealed to me when we were on a date that once he comes back from Europe that that would be enough time for me to be single and he hinted at us being able to try being together. I am so confused because I've really fallen for him!

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

He thinks two weeks is enough time to be single? Sounds like maybe that was a comment made in jest, because two weeks is certainly not enough time to find yourself.

I think this situation is going to need to play itself out. It's too early to tell. And the fact that you guys decided to be friends and then you spotted him with another girl at the mall, yet he ignored your text before he left . . I think it's safe to assume he really did intend to be friends only at that time and he's dating around.

I could be wrong, but I'm getting the impression he's seeking something serious and he realizes that you're not and you need more time. As a result, he's dating and moving on.

Now that doesn't mean he won't circle back, he may. I think he may be avoiding you so that he doesn't get attached to someone who isn't ready for something serious - because he is.

If it were me, I think I'd back off and see how this plays out. After not hearing from you, see if he misses you, if he contacts you. If he does, that's a good sign. If he doesn't, then I think you will have your answer.

Unknown said...

Well technically I've been single for 2 months but the relationship was basically over since April. I feel like I do want to get into a relationship with him cause I don't want the opportunity to pass me by and then have regrets later. Should I express my feelings to him or just wait?

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I'm not sure I'd express those feelings just yet. If he's not sure about this, it could send him running and scare him off.

I think I'd wait - for the right time. See if he contacts you and if he does, see if he'd like to get together.

If he'd like to get together, take it one step at a time. I know to women it seems logical to come clean and express feelings to a man - however, as stated in the article above, men really don't want to have to deal with a woman's emotions and feelings, especially when she reveals them too early in the relationship. And if they're forced upon him, most times, it sends the guy running - and poof, he disappears.

I know you don't want the opportunity to pass you by, but hitting him in the face with some harsh truths about your feelings isn't the way to go about it just yet. You need to slowly work your way into his life. You need to spend some time together first. Then that way, when you do share your feelings with him - they won't come out of left field and by that time, he may have some of his own feelings for you.

Personally, I don't think it's ever a good idea for a woman to share her feelings first - because 97% of men bolt and leave upon hearing them. I always wait for the man to initiate those conversations and open the door to them when he's ready - and then I share.

Unknown said...

Thanks so much for your advice on this. I am going to follow it and just wait. Hopefully it will work out. He is a Taurus after all so I think I will just have to be patient!

Anonymous said...

So I've been following your advice and so far so good! Everything that you stated above is indeed happening. I've been ignoring his txts and completely went MIA and as soon as he figured this out he's been blowing up my phone with txts. -_- So here's where I'm not sure of what to do, I mean, apart of me does feel like such a bitch for ignoring him and all but I know he deserves it. So my question is, how long should I ignore him for? He hasn't proven much to me but it's obvious that he's confused as to why I'm not reacting to him like how I use to. His last txt to me was, "I don't get you." I know you talked about figuring out if the guy is worth it or not. My answer to that is unknown, however I do still have lingering feelings for him. How am I suppose to answer that question when I don't even know if I'm worth it to him? I just feel like if I finally respond back to him then he's going to go disappearing again. Do you think he's just messing with me by blowing up my phone?

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

He doesn't get you? PERFECT! That means he's now actually thinking - about you.

It's true, if and when you respond, he may disappear again. If he does, then so do you. You rinse and repeat until he gets it. You treat him exactly the way he treats you, you mirror his behavior.

But here's how I handle these situations to see if they're worth it and if they're genuinely interested or just playing the game.

When you speak/text a response, you do not bring up the subject of getting together. You let HIM do the work here. That's how he'll prove himself. When he suggests getting together, if he suggests doing something that really doesn't sound fun or interesting, you say no. If he wants to just get together and hang out, without investing anything, you suggest dinner and/or a movie or something instead. If he still just wants to hang out, you say no.

And that part is very important. It will signal to you his intentions. Meaning, if he just wants to hang out, he doesn't want to invest anything. He doesn't want to treat you like a real date, but more like a booty call or friend with benefits. You don't permit that. Not at this point anyway.

If he wants to see you, he HAS to invest. And I'm not talking money here, I'm talking a genuine interest and treating you with respect and like a lady.

If he begins to do this, and he begins to stay in contact and he begins to call when he says he will, and he begins to be reliable - then you continue to date him.

If he fails on any of these, say you go out and he does take you to dinner. He says he'll call and then he disappears instead. Then you go MIA again and take him back to square one. Even if you've gone out on 6 great dates, if he blunders again or starts to become lazy about the dates - back to square one it is.

Basically, what you'll be doing here is:

1.) Really getting a feel for his level of interest. Is it genuine? Does he try to impress you? Does he follow through with what he says he'll do? If the answer is no, he's not genuine.

2.) You will be signaling to him how you expect to be treated. And you'll be doing this in a nice, friendly casual manner. If you have to say no, don't be mean, just decline nicely is all by saying, "You know, I'd really rather go to dinner tonight. What do you say, up for dinner?" If he says no, then you say, "Ok, well let me know if you'd like to go to dinner sometime. I look forward to doing that with you." And that's it, don't explain further. After repeated situations like this, he'll understand that if he wants to see you, he has to invest in some manner and treat you like a date and like a lady.

And each time he starts to revert back to his old ways, you revert back to your new ways - you go MIA again.

After a month or so of that, you should know if he's worth it or not - and if you're worth it to him. Good luck!

Gemini Girl said...

I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Nothing else I've read has been so clear and comprehensive. I am sure many of us learned our behavior through growing up in painful family situations, and pain + pain almost always just equals more pain. This knowledge has helped me to start feeling a bit better about myself. There are people in our lives who truly care for us. It's so simple.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Gem Girl,
You're very welcome. After reading your comment and your mention of reenacting past pain, I think you may benefit from this read as well. Copy and paste this url into your browser:


It's an important concept to understand. Many of us don't realize that what we think, we become - our thoughts manifest into our reality. And it's not the surface thoughts that manifest, it's the subconscious ones buried deep within. The ones that may not be top of mind all day, but that we know are always down in there somewhere.

And there's also a belief that "like attracts like." Meaning, those subliminal thoughts you carry are being broadcast out into the universe in the form of neuropeptides - an actual measurable form of energy. The Law of Attraction, karma if you will, requires the universe to balance that, balance your thoughts. So what you broadcast, the universe grants it right back to you.

Keeping those little thoughts we carry daily in our heads of a positive nature is extremely crucial to our ultimate happiness.

Read that piece and just absorb the concept for a bit. Hopefully, this too can provide some answers for you and set your on your new path :-)

Lady Love said...

First of all... I love this article! It is right on time for me! I dated a guy for a little while nothing too serious and it ended (life went on). Well a few months later I ran into his cousin and he expressed he had a crush on me from the first time he saw me. I explained that I dated his cousin and I could not do anything about his feelings for me. Well where I ran into he was at a resort and we were there for a weekend. He continued to hit on me but I continued to turn him down. But we had so much fun that weekend, just talking, doing the activities together, drinking, just having plain ol fun. Well when we returned I gave into him and we began to spend time together, go on dates, talk everyday. Well long story short his cousin (who I dated briefly, no relationship) became aware of the situation and the guy I was seeing began to disappear. I made the mistake of getting upset with him, telling him how I felt, calling, texting ALL THE MISTAKES! I calmed downed but still texted atleast once a week and he would always respond but he never contacted me first. A few weeks again I texted and in short explained I was moving on. I had no contact and a little over 2 weeks later he contacts me but I was busy and kept it quick and simple. I called him a few days later we talked and I showed no emotion, did not ask to see him, tell him I miss him, or bring up our problems and I also ended the conversation. He attempted to keep me talking when I was getting off the phone and even told me he missed me and wanted to get together soon but I still remained cool and showed no excitement nor did I agree to anything. Well my problem here is now its been a few days and nothing! No text, calls or anything. He always tells me he really likes me and if he could be with anyone it would be me and that he fell in love with me at the resort. I think he felt bad about his cousin because the cousin made a bigger deal out of it than what it was. I really like this guy and the chemistry between us it insane. Ever felt like you could be bestfriends with someone (laughing, joking, having the time of your life whenever your together) but also having a romantic side too??? That what we had but he disappeared and never makes plans to see me. I've decided I WILL NO LONGER CONTACT HIM. If he wants to get a hold of me he knows where to find me. But what do you think of my whole situation? Could he really be gone forever of do I just play him at his own game and have him chase me all over again? Because its a proven fact that when I become MIA he contacts me. The lack of self control in me always wants to reach out. But I am doing so much better these days. I care for him and I don't know if it'll work out because of his cousin or if it was just me and I ran him off. IDK! I get so confused because he never ignores me but he also doesnt pursue me anymore. Please help

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Lady Love,
I'd give this a little time. I don't think he's gone forever. He'll be back, they ALWAYS come back. Don't reach out, give him his space and he'll come around.

It could've been his cousin, it could've been something else. Either way, don't ask about it when he does resurface. Instead, tell him you've been having lots of fun and it's nice to hear from him. Don't give the appearance that you've been worrying, men read into that as needy and insecure.

Stay confident and upbeat and don't give any inkling that you've been wondering. The positive energy and confidence that you emit will eventually draw him closer to you.

Anonymous said...

I’ve really enjoyed your post and comments. Your advice really rang true to me. Recently, I had a man I met online and dated for 7 weeks or so and then disappear. It’s a pretty typical story I suppose. The dates went great, I felt like there was a lot of chemistry/connection. I went on three dates with him (and stupidly slept with him on the third date) and I went overseas on a holiday for three weeks. Throughout the time, he was in touch and we were emailing back and forth. When I got back, we met up and I told him I missed him. After that, we were supposed to meet the weekend after but he cancelled sick. All throughout the following week, he was texting daily but when I suggested we meet at some point the following weekend, he disappeared and I have not heard from him since. It has now been 3 weeks and around the 1 week mark, I deleted his number and removed him from facebook. I have not pursued it any further.

Typically again, I have been in agony since and wondered what went wrong. Sometimes I think he was just emotionally unavailable. Right from the beginning, he played games with my time (he’s an aries and your explanation of them makes a lots of sense too). For example, he emailed asking to meet up (before we met) next week (on Sunday) and after I responded with my availabilities, he didn’t respond for 6 days. Sometimes, I think it’s because I said I missed him and that freaked him out. Or that I seemed needy because I was changing careers at the time, going through a bit of change in my life. Sometimes, I think as you suggest, it’s the whole online “grass is greener” phenomenon. The possibilities are constantly going through my head and it’s been very painful. I suppose I need to move on but I do in some sense hope that he returns so that at the very least I get some closure!

Anonymous said...

Dear Aphrodite,

Thank you for helping us women out there and it means alot to us. including myself. I hope that you will be able to assist me in an important relationship issue as coming from your opinion.

To make a long story short, I am dating around and met a lovely guy and to be honest he is a married man and I have just found this out and he hasn't told me anything as yet. I think that he should have said something since it was our 4th date. I asked questions before whereby I put 2 and 2 together and thought to myself that he is taken in some way. Anyway to my gut feeling that I had, it is correct as I saw married pictures of them on facebook. I felt sad, hurt and dissapointed. I haven't said anything to him as yet as I will when I see him next time.

How should I approach this situation? What do you think that I should say to him? Your answer will once more be fully appreciated. I am really hurt by this as I was hurt before in my previous relationship.

Thanking you in anticipation.

Yours Faithfully,


Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Me personally, I'd run from this one and never look back. Forget talking it out. He's unavailable - period.

Not only that, he's obviously a liar and a creep. I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but if you stick around for his excuses (his wife is mean, she's cold, she's a horrible witch, etc.) he'll hurt you - bad. And chances are, you're not the only woman he's doing this with. Don't give a married man the time of day. He'll never leave his wife and he's probably cheating on her with numerous females.

Telling him your hurt won't have any effect on him. To be honest, he doesn't care. He's in it for himself. If he was the caring type, he'd be at home, talking and working it out with his wife. Instead, he's being selfish and seeking to fulfill his needs instead of repair his marriage.

If he isn't trying with his wife or caring about his wife, do you honestly think he'll try with you or care about you? No.

There's an old saying, "If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you."

Save your breath and save yourself a lot of pain and grief here - and simply walk away. No explanation is needed. He'll figure it out - and then just move onto the next one.

Anonymous said...

@Aphrodite, Thank you very much for your reply. You know what hurt the most? Is that I slept with him the other day after over a month of dating.

I should have gone with my gut feeling. This will take me some time as I realised that the man whom I did not like in the first place, that I finally fell for him and it kills me.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well that is unfortunate and you have my sympathies. Realizing that you've been betrayed cuts deep. I've been in your shoes and I think I was a bit "straight up" with you because of that. Only in my case, I was the wife. And my spouse had MANY more than one woman he was cheating with. He was an opportunist about it, if the girl was willing, so was he. Which is why I said chances are, there are more women than yourself. Once a guy opens the door to cheating, it's a free for all.

Your situation is also another reason why I constantly, if you read comments and my articles you'll see that I constantly suggest women wait at least a month if not two to sleep with a man. I should probably be more specific about that though. A month can pass if you date once a week - and that's only 4 dates. Realistically, I should suggest waiting till the 8 to 10, even 12th date, and not focus on the time period, but the number of dates. Because the more time you spend with someone, the more of a vibe you get on them.

You were getting the vibe and women should always listen to their gut. It's very rarely, if ever, wrong. But because of how our society is nowadays, we can be very dismissive of it when we shouldn't be. Especially women. I truly do believe women are blessed with a sixth sense, and I also believe that has a lot to do with the ability to bear children. Back in the day of cave dwelling, women relied heavily on their gut - to protect their young. Particularly when your man could've been out hunting for food for 3 days straight, leaving the woman to her own devices in his absence. And I don't think that's left us.

But don't beat yourself up. Everything happens for a reason and the reason here is a lesson. As painful as this experience may be right now, you'll be thankful for what you've learned from it someday. And chances are, you'll never let it happen again - which is a good thing.

So if anything, you can thank him for the lesson he's taught you - and then show him the damn door.

Then change his name in your phone to "piece of shit." Then the next time he texts you, you respond with, "Who is this? I have so many pieces of shit in my phone. Which mistake of mine are you?" ;-)

Anonymous said...

@ Aphrodite,

Sorry to hear what you went through and to be honest hearing this which is coming from you has actually made you stronger and I could have sworn that it was a guy that was talking to women, lol.

Thank you very much once again and the last sentence brought a smile to my face as I am hurt at the moment. But yes, life still has to go on and if this world wasn't that cruel with men and women treating each other a a piece of shit, everyone would have a HAPPY and WONDERFUL LIFE but NO, they don't want that.

Pisces said...


I could really use some of that insightful wisdom you seem to dole out in a heartbeat.

I met a really nice Taurus guy online about 4 weeks ago. At first we were both completely not interested in meeting up or a one night stand. It was just to talk and that we did. He even joked that I'd have to wait a long time before I'd ever meet him, so I just replied that I was curious how long he'd really last.

For the next two weeks we would send msg's online, until I asked him if he had any other way of communication. He didn't use anything but a certain app, that required his phone number. I didn't push it because if he didn't want to, I wasn't going to beg for it. Two days later he gives me his number and I add him, we start talking a few times a day. No extremely long conversations but it was building up to more than the regular 'hey'. After two weeks of this I left on holiday and enjoyed myself a lot. He increased the amount of messages he'd send, usually after 11pm when he was in front of the tv or in bed. We'd chat a bit and it was nice getting to know him, it turned out we have a lot in common and think alike on many things.

After three weeks since my first contact with him ever, he indirectly talks about wanting to invite me to a wedding. He loves to get married and has a person in mind already. I reply that I'd perhaps attend to see who the competition is, but he replies that 'that person has gotten to know me extremely well in just 3 weeks'.
Didn't know if I was suppose to be flattered or weirded out. He's nice & all, so I entertained his idea for a second.
One night I'm completely off the grid because it was a holiday anyway, and the next morning I find him dropping me a huge amount of text, asking me if I wanted a night without him for a change. -I guess he liked our nightly chats too-

Fast forward to the week after my holiday, I managed to make him set a date. Joked that he didn't quite make me wait months on end. So we meet up for dinner and he's charming to the max. We both had a great time, and instead of saying goodnight after dinner, he wanted to take a walk with me. Just aimless wandering around town, even asking if I wanted to go for another drink after the walk. After 7 hours of a first date, we say goodnight and I drive off. I only kissed him on the cheek, and texted him that I had a nice time, but am not the kind of person that goes full out on a first date. He said he enjoyed that very much and that the second date always says so much more anyway.

We're now exactly 1 week since our first date. I send him a surprise card that just stated that I had a nice time, and if he could see in his busy schedule if he could fit me in somewhere.

I didn't want to start nagging in online or textmsg's, so I just send him a card and put the ball in his court.
He hasn't replied to the question but did tell me that he was surprised when he got the card.

Pisces said...

We're not exactly talking a whole lot like we did before, he's often busy and I'm studying for an exam. But still, I wonder what to do next.
From all the information & comments I've read here, Taurus guys like certainty -this one really does because he wants someone he can depend on-, but I don't feel like being there 24/7 for him with positive feelings and telling him how nice he is. I like him yeah, but I'm no doormat. After reading the 'free your inner bitch' post & the one about the disappearing act, I'm left puzzled.

Should I just keep being nice as I am now, or do I need to up on the games/self preservation? Should I start ignoring his texts for a few hours, become more busy with other things once again? I don't want to play games and he either likes me or not, but I don't expect him to outright say it. Since Taurus guys love to SHOW you how they feel, how about asking me for a second date??

Some times I feel like he's just talking to me because I'm nice to him. Oh yeah he started asking how I'm feeling & how my day is going. For what that's worth :)

Any general or specific info I can use? Like when he texts something, or what if he doesn't text. I can easily ignore his text, but I don't want to seem the 'unavailable' person, since Taurus people like solid/dependable people..

Tricky no?

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Don't pursue. You'll scare him right out the door. Notice how when you made an attempt at being the aggressor (the pursuer) he backed off immediately? That's what men do. There are a lot of reasons for it that I won't get into here, but the main one is - once a woman starts to become the pursuer - a guy gets scared that she's emotionally needy. It kinda gives them a hint of what's to come and they worry that it'll be too much to handle, too much attention wanted, too much of their time being demanded.

Nothing sends a guy running faster than a woman making strides towards him. And he's already showed you that by backing off when you made a move.

Men equate longing for someone, missing someone - with love. And the only way to get them to that point is to disappear somewhat.

Additionally, I'm a big believer that mirroring a man's behavior is the way to go. He's distanced himself somewhat and now, you're thinking about him. That's exactly what you need to do here. You need to follow his lead and distance yourself a bit, so that HE starts to think about YOU. And if you remain slightly out of reach - he'll come after you.

It does sound like games, I know. But more than that, this is basic human psychology. It's natural for people to long for things they want that they can't seem to grab hold of. And whether we like it or not, men do indeed play games with women. Most times, it's so instinctual to them that they don't even realize they're doing it.

Him pulling back on you? Yea, he knows that's how you hook a woman. The other side of that is that you reached for him and it made him back away. So now, you go away and he'll reach for YOU.

I would take my time answering texts. Not extremely long, but an hour for the first. Twenty minutes for each following after the conversation starts. No back and forth lightening texting, it makes women look to eager to please and that turns a guy off. Men like challenges, it's exciting to them. I wouldn't initiate anymore conversations or ask him out anymore.

I'm a Taurus and yes, we like dependable people. If someone takes an hour to respond to a text, I don't view them as unreliable. I simply take two hours to respond to theirs LOL. So don't worry about that here. As long as when he does reach for you, you eventually show up - that's good enough for now to prove yourself to him.

But the card and the date request, I'm pretty sure that spooked him. Especially since it was only a second date. When guys encounter that, they start to think, "Wow, we only went out once. If I date her, is this what it's going to be like all the time? Her breathing down my neck and wanting all my time?" Sounds silly, I know. But that's the way men think.

Take a step back here. It may be a week or so before you hear from him again . . . but I guarantee if you disappear - he WILL come looking for you. In the early days of dating, it pays for a woman to remain slightly out of reach. When a guy tells a woman he loves her, that's when you can step forward a little - but only a little. Men spook easily and committment scares the hell out of them. You have to handle them, and yourself, with kid gloves to truly get their attention on a long term basis.

If someone is really nice, nine times out of ten, folks think they're kinda boring. If someone is a bit unpredictable - folks consider them exciting.

Your job here is to be unpredicatable. If you want his attention locked onto you, you have to remain slightly out of reach so that he THINKS about you. If you run at him, he has nothing to think about, nothing to wonder about, and he will move on as his attention will be lost.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Here's what you want to accomplish. You want him to think:

"Hmm, where is she?"
"Why isn't she answering me? Is there someone else?"
"We started off good, but now, she's pulling back. Wonder what's going on?"

All the things you're thinking right now are actually building your attraction for him. You want to do the same thing with him. And once he starts asking himself all those questions, once he starts thinking about you constantly by wondering what's going on - you will be building his attraction for you.

Sounds whacked, I know. But it works and men do this to women all the time - because they know it works.

Pisces said...

@Mirror of Aphrodite

Thanks so much. I was getting a bit confused with the whole nature of the game.

I'll just play it like you said it and make him work a bit harder for my attention. Basically if he pulls away and doesn't show up anymore -or text whatnot- he wasn't worth it to begin with.

Lets see how this goes :)
Thanks you!

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

That's exactly right, you get it. A woman should always make a man work for it a bit.

That way, you ALWAYS know where you stand, you will have no need to ever question things and best of all - it gives you the opportunity to weed out those with ill intentions from those who genuinely like you.

Anonymous said...

Great Post!! Yozaaa....lol

Anonymous said...

Wow, this was just what I needed to read, all of the comments, this post, mirror of aphrodite you are seriously a god send with your advice and it is nice to see that I am not the only women going through an emotional roller coaster with a man. But, I do need some more advice as to whether or not I should even continue to waste my time and mirror the actions of this man who I have fallen completely head over heels for.

I will try to keep this short with as much detail....
I met this guy about 9 months ago, we started off slow, talked and texted, got a long really well, were open with each other, went out, and were able to laugh and have fun, plus I would stay with him 3-4 times a week. A month and a half into it he tells me he is going to try to make things work with the mother of his children (he is a tuarus, I get the value he places on family). Ok, so I back off, a couple weeks later, he contacts me and asks me to hang out. I do, we picked up right where we left off, and I was strong, told him that we were friends and nothing more if he was trying to make things work with his ex, our relationship stayed platonic only a couple times after the first "im getting back with my ex", then I gave in.

He said all the right things, told me he cared about me, acted jealous when I was talking to other guys, very affectionate, caring, knew exactly what to say to keep me around for the next few months and pulled then friend card on me and told me the exact same thing about trying to make things work with the ex.

Two months pass and now I hear from him every couple of weeks, its like clock work he says he is having a hard time letting me go (he confuses the crap out of me). His actions by not contacting me are so much louder than his words, although he never has really told me that him and I have a chance, he just tells me you never know what the future may bring, you cant help who you fall for. He also tells me he doesnt want to let me go???
There has been times where I tried contacting him and he doesnt respond, and then a few days later I will hear from him, and at this point I am afraid I have fallen completely for him. He tells me he misses me, he thinks about me, that his situation makes things hard for him. I feel in my heart of hearts he does care for me, he told me once that he loves me "like a friend" and that was only because I told him that I cared for him deeply like a friend, but I am afraid I have fallen for him, and he knows it! I have done everything you are telling us not to do in just the last couple of months when the two week disappearances started and have no clue where to go from here! Any insight, advice, tough love (ha) would be accepted would open arms.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well, you pretty much said it yourself . . you're doing everything you shouldn't be doing. You're pursuing and chasing him and it's driving him away. He's now got you in the "friend" category and making excuses about his ex.

And the reason that you're pursuing him is because he started to pull back and this brought insecurities of yours to the surface. But what you need to understand is that EVERY man will ALWAYS pull back at some point in a budding relationship. And that point is the "make or break" point. How you handle it will determine whether or not the relaitonship grows or fizzles.

Ladies, I can reiterate it enough . . remain confident. Remain strong, remain independent. Those are the qualities that intrique men and pique their interest in a woman. Those are the qualities that make you "different" from all the rest.

You're doing way too much of the work here. And the best way to gauge a man's interest in you - is to disappear. If he comes looking, it's a good sign. But when he does reappear, NEVER reward him for this bad behavior by showering him with tons of attention upon his return. The more you reinforce bad behavior, the more of it you will get - because it's working for him.

If I were you, I'd fall of the face of the earth regarding him at this moment. When he comes looking for you, you do exactly what this article says, you wait a couple days to respond. That will pique his interest and instead of appearing needy, insecure and weak to him - you will suddenly appear confident, secure and strong. All character traits that men absolutely love in women.

When men pull back, you sit back, smile and relax, knowing that he's sort of falling for you and he feels the need to detach. That's a good thing and most women think it's a bad thing. You give him plenty of space and he'll move toward you. You start chasing him and he's going to run for the hills.

Men do this to test how much a woman will need them, need attention from them, and whether or not it's too great of an amount for them to handle. If you fail this test, they'll move on (but always circle back around for sex because you permit it and they know they can get it without treating you right).

Continued . . .

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Give this one plenty of space. Don't make yourself available to him and cease sexual activity with him or seeing him. If you continue to do so, you will remain "plan B" for him.

Taking a stand for yourself and showing him (not telling him, showing him through your actions) that you won't tolerate this . . he'll develop respect for you.

Right now, he's stringing you along because you're permitting it. You're using emotions here when he's using logic. You need to dismiss the emotions and use your head here with him.

If a girlfriend told you this story and how she was being treated like this, you wouldn't advise her to try harder now, would you? No. You'd either tell her to dump him or tell her to take a stance.

There's an old saying that I love that completely applies here. Please think about this statement:

"Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."

To him, you're an option. One he calls upon as he sees fit. You, however, are treating him like a priority. Like someone whose extremely important to you. Why treat someone like that when they're not treating you in the same manner?

Mirror his behavior. Stop calling, stop texting. When he calls or texts, you don't respond immediately, you take a couple days to respond. That will immediately level the playing field here. He'll go from priority to option and you'll feel stronger and more able to use logic here rather than emotions.

Continued . . .

You deserve better than this - and people can only treat you as poorly as you permit them to.

He's getting way too much attention from you and consideration from you - while he's giving you NONE. If he gives none, he gets none. It's that simple.

Anonymous said...

Thank Mirror of Aphrodite for your response, I also like the saying "sometimes we need to forget how we feel and remember what we deserve.".

This blog has empowered me, I will not contact him anymore, and I will make him wait next time he contacts me, Its been a week so in a weeks time I know I will hear from him.

Thank you again!

Anonymous said...

I love Love LOVE this article!! Please keep more articles like this coming, it's so interesting to read and it's all amazingly yet sadly .. TRUE! Haha. So here we go:

Basically everything follows with what you stated above. A guy (Aries Man) and I (Aquarius Woman) started talking .. it's been 2 years now and we're always talking on and off. The beginning was like any other beginning; perfect, happy, and easy peasy but now he blows hot and cold. When I started noticing his on and off behavior, I became so frustrated and emotionally confused. I wanted answers but was too afraid to ask and confront him because I felt like if I did, I'd scare him away. He made sure to show enough emotions as though he still cared and was interested but made sure to not show too much emotions, to keep me guessing. He'd also go disappearing. I was basically playing by his games and running on HIS schedule. URGH!! *shakes head. So after being strung along for some time, I couldn't handle it anymore and decided to stand up for myself. I wanted revenge! Not so much hurt him like how he hurt me but more as of wanting to beat him at his own games. Muahahaha *evil laugh. However keep in mind, I still cared for him. I disappeared and gave him the cold shoulder, ignored his txts completely and bounced on his ass! We haven't spoken in weeks now and he would txt me from time to time, for example, good morning txts or asking me to come out. It's a small decent town where we live, so everyone knows everyone and we both know each others friends. Often times we'd run into each other at the bars but even still I would not give him any attention whatsoever. I must appear strong and collected .. and knowing him, he hates being ignored. His last txt to me was:

"Knitters tonight? (bar) Heard from Alex you were at the Casino. Just checking. Good night. It's been awhile."

It's been weeks now and I admit, I do still think about him and care about him. But when I think of how inconsiderate he was and the way he treated me, I just get so mad and it reminds me why I'm doing this in the first place. I'm not ignoring him, I'm just trying to see if he'll make the effort ... again. I don't want anymore mind games or guessing games, I just want him to be real with me and I know it all starts with ME. I refuse to let any guy treat me as a joke and so I am here trying to prove to him that he underestimated me. I don't know how to respond. What do you think? Advice, suggestions, and anything would be greatly appreciated!

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I'm assuming you didn't reply to his last text? If so, let that one go. He was just testing the waters there and no real response was actually necessary.

I think I'd wait for him to contact me again. If he doesn't, he was going to flake anyway. But you DO want him to MISS you, and the only way to do that is to be gone, which you're doing. So you either have to wait until he really comes at you or . . you could "tap" him.

Tapping him while hanging loose kinda puts you front and center in their mind again. And then they think you're going to chase because you're contacting them again. But in this instance, I usually do something like this, "Hey, hey . . whadaya say?"

It's playful and carefree. When he responds, chances are he'll say something like, "What's up?" To which you respond, "Nuttin new, just thinkin bout you." And then . . . disappear.

If he responds back - you stay gone. And what you'd done there is you've put yourself in his mind, you've been playful and carefree, you flirted a bit to further get him thinking about you (and probably thinking he's going to score) and then . . you're gone.

This leaves them going, "Huh? What was that?" Which is exactly what you want. You'll appear somewhat mysterious with this behavior yet you'll also appear indifferent in a sense.

You went fishing . . . and he's hanging on the hook. ;-)

Do that several times, maybe once every week or two weeks or so. Tap, tap, tap . . then POOF, gone.

If that doesn't encite an Aries to chase, nothing will. And at that point, you can label this one over and done. And if he does chase, it's a brand new day. You're rarely available, you're never immediately available (life is a joy and you're out there living it), if he asks to see you, you're busy the first date he suggests so you suggest another day instead (you may be dating others), and from that point forward, never initiate communication with him. Let HIM work for YOU.

Pisces said...

Hmmm I could use some more advice this time around.

I love how everything you said just came to be. It's been a week now and I haven't brought up any topic of dating/meeting/drinks anymore, just regular small chat on my terms and time. Not instantly responding has 'worked' great.

Now 2 days ago -1 week since I came for advice here and started following what you said- he suddenly texts me the following conversation.
him: 5th of september
me: ?
me:what's happening then?
him: we're meeting then

I play it cool, don't freak out or anything but I was happy he finally came around. I made a deal not to ask him out, he had to ask me. Knowing now how stubborn taurus men can be and how long it takes for them to change their mind.. bwa it was only 1 week in the end.

Yesterday on the other hand something weird happened. One of my best friends is a gorgeous girl that has men falling for her non stop. I told her about this guy I met online and she was going to check him out.
She makes a profile on that website, uploads some pictures and fires him a message saying.
Her:Nice pictures, want to meet up?
him: thanks, you look really good yourself too, work out a lot?
Her: frequently, I love to keep busy. So you want to get together?
him: to do what?
her: what do you think? sex
him: you never know these days ;) sounds good ;)
her: well my boyfriend is out of town for a few days, so how about you?
him: I'm free practically every night except tomorrow. What are you into?

And that's when she called me and told me about this little test of hers. The same guy that just agreed to have sex with a complete stranger, that has a boyfriend so it would be cheating and he doesn't care it seems, texts me at midnight 'sweet dreams xxx'.
Matching timetables places that text right in the middle of my friend chatting him up.

It felt like a punch in the stomach to be honest. I like this guy and he doesn't want to rush things, so I'm going at his pace, but he would have sex with strangers still?
I know I have no right to be jealous or angry, we're not exactly a couple and only had one date so far.. but still I thought that if you like someone, and you're going to meet them again -out of your own free will, he asked ME out this time- why do this?

Is this a trait of taurus men? Is this just sex for sex's sake? I can't wrap my head around it. Perhaps it is just to blow off steam and he's free to play the field alright. Is there a difference between someone you just have sex with and the person you want to date? If he was this eager to say yes to my friend who he didn't know one bit, who says he won't do it again. For all we know he's chatting up a LOT of people..

Anyone some non insane input? I like him but this has put me off.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Online dating . . has actually created a new concept that happens particularly with men and people are calling it the "grass is always greener" effect. There are just so many choices that men particularly seem to have a had time focusing on one individual, even if they like them, because other individuals just keep coming.

This is why I always encourage women to hang back and let the man come to you. This is why it's also a good idea for women to date more than one man at a time. (Casually date, not sleep with.) Because women tend to date one guy at a time, put everything they have into him and then get really disappointed when it doesn't work out. If the woman was dating say 3 guys casually at once, however, it wouldn't be such a blow.

Having said that, this one's coming across as a bit of a player to me. And the reason I say that is because, looking at the big picture here, he seems to be a chameleon of sorts. Which Taurus men have been known to do, however, lots of other men do this as well.

Did you notice how when he first met you, he said you'd have to wait, agreed with you that he wasn't looking for one night stands, etc.? He tapped into your vibe, he could sense the kind of guy you were looking for, and he warped himself into that to appeal to you.

Then your girlfriend comes along, he vibes into the fact that she wants a one night stand, and he warps himself into that, to appeal to her.

I don't think this guy has any idea who he really is or what he really wants. He'll change on a dime to "fit" into what the woman wants. That's a flakey player of sorts. And you're correct, he's most likely chatting LOTS of people, hence the disappearing acts for a week or so. If he had no other options, he'd be up your butt. He has options and you need to create other options for yourself, too. Don't put everything into this one, he's too flakey right now.

As unfortunate as it is, men have sex without emotion. A guy will have sex with a girl he likes and at the same time, with a girl he really doesn't like but can score with. Why? Because he doesn't FEEL anything for either one. Men can take months to start having feelings for someone that will keep them away from someone else. So until a guy proclaims he's in love with you, I think a girl should always casually date around. Otherwise, you end up waiting around for the guy to fall in love with you, and it may never happen. But he still sleep with you. He'll still sleep with anyone.

Continued below . . .

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

But what's really jumping out at me here is the chameleon-like quality. That's a big red flag because how will you EVER know what this guy is genuinely like if he's faking everything all the time just to appeal to whomever he's trying to win over at the time?

If you like him and you want to continue to see him, that's fine. But hold back, don't be too available, be scarce to him and do NOT sleep with this one. You need to casually date this one for 3-4 months before even considering it. If he sticks around that long, he may start to have some feelings. Or he may sleep with others in the meantime. That's the thing, you won't know here with him because he's acting flakey, like a player. Which is why I'm telling you to protect yourself here at all costs.

The other red flag here is that you, in your original posting, called him "charming to the max." Red flag, especially when combined with his latest chameleon like stunt. . . a real charmer (i.e. bullshitter) combined with the ability to pretend (i.e. faker) to be whatever the girl is looking for = bullshitting, fake player.

I'm no expert, this is just my opinion from a 3rd party stance on the situation. And I think you're getting this vibe too. I think your "gut" is talking to you and you're sensing it. You're questioning yourself about him now - and there's a reason for that, my friend. Don't ignore that.

You stated that he's put you off a bit with this and frankly, I'd be put off, too. So put off, as a matter of fact, that I think I might loose all interest. No one's Prince Charming is a flakey, bullshitter, ya' know?

He's playing the field, there's no doubt. And that's what you need to be doing, too. He sounds like a "fun time guy." He doesn't sound like "Mr. Right." He's saying things he thinks you want to hear. None of which is genuinely felt by him, as can be seen via his conversation with your friend.

All that stuff he's telling you (i.e. he doesn't want to rush, etc.) he's telling you what he THINKS you want to hear. Just like he told your girlfriend what he THINKS she wanted to hear.

Sounds to me like this guy will say whatever the hell he has to say to get ahead. That's not a trustworthy individual.

I'm sorry, I know this isn't what you wanted to hear. But if you continue with him, don't be surprised if he pulls some real stunts along the way. He's not being genuine at all it seems. He's simply bullshitting his way through life.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I just thought of something else here, too, that isn't sitting well with me. September 5th. Why the hell is he setting a date with you that's almost two weeks away? Why can't he see you sooner? And September 5th is a Wednesday. What's he doing on his weekends that he can't see you then? For that matter, what's he doing for the next two weeks that he can't see you until then?

Additionally, I don't like how presumptuous he was, saying, "That's when we're meeting." Oh yea, really?

It's somewhat disrespectful. He didn't ASK you if you were available, as a gentlemen would. He's TELLING you you're going to see him then. Like it's some sort of instruction. I don't like that at all. And I don't like that he's assuming you're even available that day. I don't know if he thinks he's being cute or what, but at this rate, 4 months into it, you'll have only seen him 4 times. When 4 months into it, you should have seen someone at least 10, 12 times or so. At least, that's how much a guy whose genuinely interested would want to see you.

If it were me, I'd tell him, "I'm not available on the 5th. But I'm available on the 8th, how about then? Maybe we could go to dinner or something?" See what he says. The 8th is the following Saturday. And if he asks why you can't see him that day, or what you're doing, you DON'T tell him. It's none of his business. You keep him guessing (you want him to think you're in demand and that other men are around). You simply say something to the effect of, "I've already made obligations that day." If he pushes, you repeat yourself is all.

This will signal a few VERY important things to him:

1.) You're life isn't revolving around him. You have other plans that you're not willing to break or rearrange for him. (i.e. you're independent.)

2.) If he wants to see you, he needs to RESPECT you and YOUR time and ASK you on a date, ask you if you're available. Not just assume your sitting at home, waiting for him to surface. That's ignorant, it makes him look cocky and it makes me think he's viewing you like some woman who has nothing else going on in her life. You need to signal the opposite to him.

3.) You're a girl he has to invest in. You're not into boring hook up dates that have no real plan other than "hanging out." You're a girl who is to be taken seriously, on a serious date, a dinner date, and you're a girl that he needs to give quality time to (i.e. his weekends). If he wants to see you, he has to actually PLAN a REAL DATE during quality time.

If he flakes, he's definitely a player. A player won't invest anything into a situation. Not even to get laid, because a player is always working several angles (i.e. women) at once. You'll look like too much work and he'll bail. That sux, but it saves a girl lots of heartbreak to find out someone is a player early in the game, rather than later - when it's too late.

But the fact that he's spacing out these dates, I don't like that, it makes me feel like he has some sort of "rotation" going on. Meaning, he's dating several people and about the 3rd or 4th weeks or so, it's your turn in the rotation. And on a Wednesday and not a weekend? I don't like that at all. It signals that he's not willing to give you portions of his quality time, but rather, he'll squeeze you in during the week.

You deserve better than that.

Male Pisces said...

Hmm I found this website by chance and after reading a lot of the comments, I'm think I could use some fresh perspective.

I met a taurus guy a few weeks ago, but couldn't meet him cause I was going on holiday. We chatted a bit through smartphones and he wasn't looking for a date -neither was I- but we hit it off great. We had a date and it all went very well, something to do with the whole pisces-taurus dynamic :)

Now I know he's taking his time and checking out all his options no doubt. Since I enjoyed his company the first time, we set a second date 3 weeks after our first one, because we both had exams we needed to focus on.

He's very guarded about his feelings and commented today that 'he think I'm emotional'. I told him I wasn't feeling a 100% since a close friend of mine just broke up, and I had to help her out a bit, and I cared for her trouble.
He said I needed to be able to 'shut myself off emotionally', because it's not my problem. I'm sorry for being a pisces then, it's a build in aspect of me that I want to help people. He's right in a sense, I do need to be able to take distance a bit better. ANYWAY.

It struck me as odd that he mentioned he thought I was emotional. He even added that he's bad with emotion like the people from desperate housewives. No idea what that means :D

So what, am I not allowed to have emotions to date him? Or is this him warning me not to be emotional? I'll meet him again soon anyway, but something tells me this was a warning of some sorts.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Male Pisces,
Well, here's the thing . . lots of men don't like emotions. As stated in the article above, emotions befuddle many men, they make things seem complicated and heavy. They put a damper on their attraction for someone because the man starts thinking, "How much energy is this going to take to be with this person? Am I going to constantly have to play therapist here? Is this going to be fun or more like work? How much will this person need me?"

If a relationship starts to feel like work rather than fun, a guy will bail. Any impression of a high level of neediness will drive a wedge between the two as one will feel that they're going to have to invest more into the relationship than the amount of fun they're going to get out of it.

So when he says to you that he's bad with emotions, he's probably telling the truth. He doesn't want to have to deal with them to a high extent. Meaning, he can handle the normal range of emotions, but any that go above the bar, he can't or won't take the time to deal with.

Basically to him, a high level of emotions = tons of work, lots of time invested, neediness and dependency and very little fun.

And that's nothing rare. A lot of men feel this way. The majority of men are attracted to playfulness, carefree attitudes, independence and fun times. The opposite of that can easily repel them and force them away.

Lady Love said...

Hi so I took your advice and made no contact with the guy I wrote a few weeks ago ( with the whole cousin situation). Well its been 3 weeks now and he still has not made any contact. I try not to think about it but its like you said, we all want what we cant have. I'm tired of thinking of him and of course the distance does make it a little better. I guess just a little more time and I will be fine. I just dont get it, I was needy nor did I put pressure on our last conversation. I just knew he would contact me again and he hasnt. I cant say I'm not disappointed. More in myself than anything else. Maybe I just pushed him to the point of no return. I believe the idea they as return too. But 3 weeks and no contact assures me he isnt thinking of me and that hurts. But like I said before I will not contact him at all! I'll get through this in time! It just sucks

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Lady Love,
Actually, 3 weeks is not a long time at all. Especially in a mans world.

You see, women want immediacy, immediate results. They speed into emotional territory when dating, they want to speed the relationship along to the next step right away, they want to speed up a man feelings for them - you get the idea.

Men do not work this way, nor do they think that way. It takes a man a long time to actually begin having feelings for someone. It takes a long time for a man to miss someone. It takes a long time for a man to take action sometimes. This is how they operate. On THEIR time schedule, not OURS. Women have always been frustrated at the painfully slow process with which men move.

I began no contact with someone in May. And do you know when he contacted me? In July. Two months later.

There's another individual that I've done the same with. And do you know when he touches base with me? Every two months.

There's a third that touches base every 4 months and there's an ex that resurfaces once a year, for the last 3 years.

Now I don't put any energy into the above situations because these are individuals that haven't treated me right. Even so, they still resurface.

Never assume that because someone is out of contact that they're not thinking of you. Men are not like women. They don't want to talk about every little feeling they're having. As a matter of fact, 98% of them FIGHT those feelings. That's just how men are, they are not like women.

This one will resurface. It could be six months from now, but he will. And when he does, you may not even want him anymore or you may have found someone else by then.

Either way, stay focused on yourself and your growth throughout this and then no matter what happens, it will all have been worth it. Because you'll see that as more time passes and the distance grows, you'll become stronger and more decisive about what you really do need from a mate to make YOU happy.

You will get through this. Hang in there, you'll see.

And if you want to stop thinking about him, start dating again. Start spending time with other men, casually date and start having fun. Other men will make you feel good about yourself and spending time with those that make you laugh and appreciate you will make your thoughts of this one disappear.

Don't wait around - get out there and start dating. Live your life. There's no better revenge than doing well.

miss_sunshine said...

Hey there... I simply need to say you ROCK, mirror! you're touching the right buttons in most of these situations. your article and comments couldn't have come at a better time to clear my head in the situation i find myself in.

classical story: i'm horny aries, he's horny bull. we work together, we've been the best friends ever since we started working together a year ago. suddenly 3 months ago he started making visible steps towards me. we started spending more and more time 2 months ago. i obviously gave in ....with sex and all
(silly me :P). we've basically had a turning point when i tried to get it out of him if we're in a relationship or not (i thought i put it gently in our conversations... he must have felt it like pressure) to cut a long story short: i told him i really want things to work with him and i already see him as a priority in my life, especially after having given myself to him so fully as we aries women seem to be doing so naturally, and hi9s reply was that he cares a lot about me but doesn't know if he can commit to me as i really deserve it (BullShit. i know) and that he sees me as an option.

imagine that i exploded at that time!! i am an expert at that, i told him every single thing that i feel and how much this hurts me. i know i am not the smartest of women when it comes to emotions. how ever we had some rouch 2 days at work, i could not look him in the eyes and avoided him. then we had 3 weeks of vacation.. and we met again this monday. we had only one conversation in three weeks and i initiated it. stupidly, then at work i tried to be natural and stuff.. but i feel my emotions and feras have temporarily won me over.

now, i must say i have been going through the worst hell over these past few weeks and even yesterday and today, but i try to keep myself cool and regain my status as a independent, free and funny woman although i find it very hard not to think of him in any way since i spend 8 hours in the same building. luckily we don't share offices. he has distanced himself visibly since our "break up", but he still seems to catch my eye from time to time. also he keeps telling me he wants to change jobs and maybe even leave the country. i told him today that he should do what feels right to him, and then walked out.

i know it's insecurity from both of us. he really cares about me but i keep telling myself that i really deserve a man that knows i'm worth it. i cannot disappear on him but i am putting myself together as much as i can to release myself from these analyzing acts women seem to be doing. i really feel i should be myself no matter what.

as you can clearly see, i merely wished too share my experience with you, girls, because i feel i have already taken the best advice from this article and your posts. i know he could choose to never pursue me again but i know that i will not make myself the pursuer, even though i can be a great hunter. i am going to patiently let the things flow!
best of luck to you all :)

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Miss Sunshine,
Good for you! You're doing the right thing. Especially since he's admitted to you that you're an option. That takes the cake. And it brings a saying to mind that I've posted here before:

"Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."

Truer words were never spoken.

Frustrated Taurus said...

@ Aphrodite,
This is a follow-up to my post regarding the 42 year old male taurus, who was then unemployed (2.5 year on and off relationship). Its been about two months since he has been working and I still have not heard anything from him. I have been tempted to reach out, but have stopped myself as I know that it will make me feel worse. After reading your response to Lady Luck, I am concerned it could take forever!
How do you suggest handling contact if it ever happens? If it takes months for him to reach out, how long do I take before I respond? Also, I feel like all my friends' exs have recently reached out. Will I be the only woman in history to never hear from her ex again?

Anonymous said...

So update...I'm the one who posted on the 21st of Aug @ 9:36! I heard from Bull again, sooner than I expected, the last few months has been every two weeks but this time it was only a week, I think it is due to the fact that I have restrained from my occasional text of "just wanting to say hi" that I usually would send, surprisingly it was only the first week that I restrained. Anyway, his message was "what up u, I've been busy, we are still friends," i was taken back a bit when I got that message. I was strong and waited a couple days before I responded with "yes we are stil friends, I've been busy too, hope you are having fun," lol I had no clue what to say but this one is smart because he got me thinking about him again, exactly what he was trying to do I am sure. It was also exactly right after I went on a date with another man which I know he knows about because friends of mine posted all over my Facebook asking how my date went.

It really is a game, I haven't heard from him since I texted back, curious to how he will respond, I'm being strong though.....I am curious as to how this will play out.

Stay strong ladies! We really do have all the control of our emotions and how we let men treat us. My biggest test I think, especially with this man is how I channel my he brings out in me.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Frustrated Taurus,
I hear ya and I've been there. And the fact is, on rare occassions, sometimes they do just disappear for good (usually it's the players that go poof as they don't like to work for anything).

But even in those situations, they DO resurface eventually. It could be a year later, it could be 6 months later. Either way, waiting feels like an eternity.

Which is why it isn't good to sit and wait. Date other men and go live your life. It will help.

I do believe you'll hear from him again. The longer a relationship took place, the greater the chance he'll resurface. You don't just wipe 2.5 years out of your mind, regardless of whether or not it was off and on. So I do think he'll appear eventually.

And when he does, you have two options. But you have to make a decision first.

The decision you need to make is whether or not you want to pursue this. If the answer is yes, then I'd wait several hours to respond. At least three. If the answer is no and you simply wish to remain civil with him, then I'd wait several days or a week.

Normally, I'd advise to mirror his behavior. But since this isn't a situation where he's appearing and disappearing regularly, since some time has passed, your reaction is going to signal to him your interest, as it always does in any case.

So if you want to signal interest and let him back into your life, you can respond sooner. If you want to signal to him that he's hurt you and that you're now indifferent towards him and he needs to step up his game, you wait longer.

Either way, don't jump on it or he'll be back up to his old tricks again in no time.

But I do believe you'll hear from him again.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

You did the right thing and that was the right response. It was controlled, nice, carefree and well wishing. Perfect.

And I imagine it threw him for a loop. I can pretty much guarantee you that wasn't what he was expecting, which is exactly what you want here - to be unpredictable.

And it also sent a clear message to him - that you're not jumping when he snaps his fingers and that you're in control of yourself and your emotions and that you may be distancing yourself from him a bit.

All good messages to send. That'll get him thinking.

How he'll respond? LOL, I don't think he will right now. If I could look into my crystal ball here, I'd say that response threw him and he's not sure what to say. So he's going to say nothing at all right now. He's going to retreat and wait for you to come to him because he thinks he has that power over you and because he contacted you again. (Yea, men are very egotistical that way.)

And what'll most likely happen is that he won't hear from you - so in a couple weeks, he'll send the same exact type of message, as if nothing happened. And he'll do this because he's trying to figure you out right now - perfect - so he'll test the waters in a safe manner.

And what he'll really be attempting to do there is he's going to "tap" you to get you to pursue him - as he's used to you doing and since this has worked for him in the past with you. Eventually will come a time that this will frustrate him and he may come clean with you about that. If that happens, you pat yourself on the back - well played, my friend :-)

And yes, it is a game, whether we want to participate or not, men use mental and emotional manipulation on women, even though they're generally not even aware that's what they're actually doing because it's so instinctual to them and because frankly, it generally always works with women. So we're forced to either play along - or get run over.

And you played another ace in the hole here - you moved on and dated another man. That's exactly what women in these situations need to do. You keep doing that and moving forward and it'll eat him up. He likes being top dog with you and the thought of not being so will irk his ego and he may try harder.

If so, don't get wrapped up in that right away because it could just be about his ego and nothing more - so be wary and use these strategies to deal with him.

He has to prove himself if he wants anything of real value from you and that includes your attention to him. (i.e. he gets no attention from you unless he proves himself worthy of it.)

Regardless of how it plays out, the thing to focus on here isn't really him or this situation.

The real golden treasure here is . . . doesn't this make you feel strong? How good does it feel to finally be in control and calling the shots? How good does it feel to stand strong and take a stance for yourself?

That's irreplaceable, regardless of whether you win him over or not.

THAT is the real prize here :-)

And the better you feel about yourself, the more controlled you remain and composed with men, the more independent you'll become. You'll make better decisions for yourself about the men you let into your life and best of all - you'll begin to attract a better type of man to yourself.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror, Annonymous again from the 21st and the 30th. I couldn't agree with you more, the real prize is how empowered I felt being in control of my feelings and emotions. Also, not freaking out so to speak and 20 questioning him about "why haven't I heard from you" I think that is where a lot of women make mistakes with men, including me.
Suprisingly I heard from him again this evening. Threw me for another loop, I responded a couple hours later but kept it controlled and non-emotional. He decided he wanted to share some good news with me, he got a new job and inquired about my recent job change and what I have been up to. I neglected to tell him about my date, I figured there was no relevance in mentioning that. I kept it simple with "oh ya know the usual," and told him I was excited he got a new job, I flirted a bit too and told him "I bet you look sexy working in your uniform," and left it at that.

He still gives me the butterflies after 10 months of being on and off with him, and I used to feel so weak but I can honestly say that I am a work in progress and I have never felt stronger.
When I have the urge to text or respond immidiately, I always just go right into my favorites tab on my computer and pull this article up! I am truly thankful for your responses, you keep me motivated and are helping me become a stronger more independent women.

Anonymous said...

Thank you SO much for this article. I feel like you articulated all the advice my girlfriends have been giving me, but in a way that really resonated. Excellent. I will be revisiting this often, I imagine. In the scheme of my own recent man-drama, I can see how I fell into these little traps that you've outlined so neatly. We are currently in our second period of non-communication after date #2. I think the situation is compounded because this particular individual has serious abandonment issues (his mother left him when he was 11 and his wife of 12 years left him for another man). Do I run away from this baggage (at a certain age, there's always baggage), or is there a way to salvage the situation? (Also, to add to the story, we knew each other 20 years ago - sang together, Glee-style...) How do I get a handle on all of this?

Anonymous said...

Hello Mirror, i just wanted to say thank you for your awesome advice for all us women out there! you are no joke girlfriend and tell it like it is! :) anywho..i need some advice if you dont mind. Ive been dating this guy for about a year and four months now. Everything started off fantanstic but now im starting to feel like a damn fool and like im wasting my time. We met online and had excellent conversation..he then took me on what seemed like a fairy tale first date..well for me anyhow. He took me to an exquisite museum..made a handmade picnic lunch..brought his expensive camera and was even taking pictures of artifacts and myself as if i was a work of art smh..and even took me to a japanese spa after! wow right?! we then went back to his place..made out but had no sex!!! eventually we dated more and more and i didnt sleep with him for about 2 to 3 months. After that he began inviting me to family outings w his family and friends and treating me as if i was his girlfriend! heres the good part..after about a year i finally mustered up the courage to ask him if he was seeing anyone else? he then says " i have messed around..ive never slept w her nor do i intend to..shes a really cool person" my heart about jumped out of my chest when i heard that but i held my composure. I asked him if he has feelings for this girl and he says no..shes just a really cool person..wtf does that mean?! anyways..he says hes not ready for a reationship..its not because hes afraid of commitment..but he just has to look deep within his self..so im like hmmm..ok..then he adds in just to let u know i dont just bring anyone around my clients (hes a personal trainer out of him home) or bring anyone around his family..and tells me he has DEEP feelings for me that continue to grow evermore..he also travels alot and is a busy guy..he oftens travels to japan..russia..hawaii..but when hes gone its only for about a week or two and he emails and skypes me like crazy..we also live about 45 mins away from eachother..but we always see eachother on weekends or throughout the week.. i guess what im trying to say is i feel like im being used..hes getting everything that comes with a relationship without the commitment..the last time i left his house..i felt so worthless and low like i was just a booty call..as i drove home i started crying..thinking wtf am i doing..and that im over this..i decided to pull away from him slowly..i dont text him first thing like i use to in the morning..i dont respond to his calls or texts right away..and now it seems like since ive done that hes all over me..saying how much he misses me.yada yada yada! what sad is my gut doesnt believe him..and usually thats true..i decided next time he asks me to come over im going to say no..i just feel like staying home..or better yet how about just having dinner? i was work at my office and he had the nerve to text me " my energy is telling me that you must be very tired hun" because i didnt text his ass at all like i usually do! smh..mirror..i need advice..am i doing the right thing? could it be that he really does love me and is maybe hurt from his relationships and is afraid to commit? any advice would be greatly appreciated..thanks love!

zee said...

Ok my turn. I read your article and I'm going to follow it to a Q. But so here's my story.

First off I live in Istanbul. Dating and relationships are slightly different than in the states. If you're dating someone both man and woman expect you to be dating only each other. How much people follow it I dont know. I'm new to the dating game here.

So this Libra guy who is a trainer at my gym started chasing me a while back. I paid him enough attention. Not crazy amounts but enough. Also because a lot of the guy trainers at my gym have asked me out. Mainly I think because I grew up in the states I'm different than a lot of the girls here and its enticing.

So eventually he messaged me on facebook and told me where he was with friends and asked me to stop by if I could. I was actually pretty close to the area and my friends and I stopped by for half an hour and left. This is where it all started. The following weekend he went out with my friends and I at night and he dropped me off at my place at 6 am. No kiss nothing like that -- but it was clear we liked each other. And then he asked me to go to the Islands near Istanbul the next day with him. So we did. We spent the whole day there listening to music, talking, eating what not. Now I know the whole rule of dont sleep with a guy before this and that. Which I dont follow. I know I probably should. But I guess in the that moment I was thinking if he really likes me he wont run right after. I wasn't expecting anything the next day but he wanted to spend that day with me too. So we went out to the movies, then a cafe, and then dinner. And every since then we've been dating.

He invited me out with his friend once. And sometimes we go out for coffee. And sometimes he just comes over and we watch things. We don't have sex each time he sleeps over. Once even though he knew I was on my period he wanted to come over to watch a movie and then we just slept. Another time he came over and just shared a lot of his favorite music videos with me and tried to teach me some Turkish music and what not. We are still in the process of getting to know each other. Because neither of us opens up very easily. I dont ever ever talk about emotions because I'm at a stage were I'm just careful with guys. Sometimes he'll get weird and out of no where just like whisper things in my ear like "I'm different." Or what not. Which I never respond too. I feel like its just to confuse me. But yeah. So we've only been dating really 3 weeks. I guess we just see each other a lot. Which is another thing with relationships here. We aren't in a relationship here but I know from all my friends.

Girls and guys here when they are dating are together all the time. And they text each other every god damn minute. Which I dont do. At all. Thanks for growing up in America. I would send him one or 2 cute texts like in the beginning and he would always reply. Once he even called me when I was on vacation at Greece to just talk. Which was nice.

But now. Maybe I'm just overreacting but. its been 3 weeks. And I was at my summer house this weekend. So I sent him a funny picture of my dog because he likes him and it was a joke between us. He didn't reply or anything. I also know he was out with friends and drank loads the night before. And then like like 8 hours later I called him to ask him something but no answer. Its very unlike him. And it made me think like 'Oh. Ok. Here we go. I know how this goes."

So....what do I do. I mean. I see him at the gym. I'm there almost every night so its not like I can ignore him. Or I dont know. Really how to go about this?

Guys can also clearly tell I am not someone who sleeps with everyone. Hes the 4th guy Ive slept with and I'm 24 so. Anyways. We got home around 1 am after spending all day together. And up until we slept with each other we hadnt even kissed. The next day I was

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous (Sept. 1, 12:51),
Yes, once we reach a certain age, we all have baggage. So I get that. However, it is sending up a red flag to me that he can't even get 2 dates off the ground without going MIA on you.

And something else jumped out at me. His mom left when he was 11 and his marriage ended after 12 years. I know those two numbers seem completely unrelated, but I bet if you asked him when his marriage was TRULY over, when it really got sour - I wouldn't be surprised if it was at the 11 year mark.

Stick with me here, I'm going to try to explain this. But some people repeat their psychological traumas from childhood in patterns without even realizing it. Mom left at 11 years and marriage probably really soured at 11 years. It's quite possible he could be repeating an 11 year pattern of trauma.

It's a psychological concept commonly called "repetition compulsion" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Repetition_compulsion). And in his case, Sigmund Freud's "destiny neurosis" may apply:

". . . destiny neurosis", manifested in 'the life-histories of men and women...[as] an essential character-trait which remains always the same and which is compelled to find expression in a repetition of the same experience'."

I recently watched a case where a woman was paralyzed at the age of 14. Her marriage ended after 14 years, she ceased therapy to attempt to walk again after 14 years and she was in a relationship that was hitting the 14 year mark and was seriously considering ended it, although she didn't really know why.

She was caught in a 14 year repetition compulsion pattern. However, once she became aware of that tendency, she sought to break the pattern and did so, successfully.

I could be wrong here, but for some reason, my gut is telling me he may be caught in traumatic patterns because you're only on date #2 and you've already experienced two rounds of no contact. So he's definitely running from something it seems.

Whether or not it's salvagable depends on whether or not he's worth it to you. And whether or not you have the energy to try and "save" someone.

I've found that you can't really save people. They have to save themselves. So if it were me, I wouldn't involve myself in the complications of it all. Or what I may do is proclaim myself a "friend" only and then just be friends, for support, talking, etc. (And it's possible that if he feels no pressure in that manner, hanging out with you, talking to you - he may eventually fall in love with you under those circumstances.)

But you'd also have to accept first, going into it, that you may get hurt here. That's there's a very real chance of that. If you can accept that and are okay with sacrificing yourself in that manner, then proceed. However, if you decide you cannot accept that, I'd pull back and maybe just go the friend route.

That would give you more time to really "see" who he is and what he's about - without gettng hurt.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous (Sept. 1, 7:30pm),
Lordy . . ya' know, for once, I'd love to say to someone here, "Good for you! He's a great guy!" - but alas, so many men are their own worst enemies these days it appears.

I'm sorry, honey, but at almost a year and a half of dating on and off - you guys should be alot further along than this. And I'm so sorry, I know this isn't what you're going to want to hear - but I'm really getting a bad vibe on this one. So bad, I feel compelled to call him out as a complete fraud - a total player :-(

And my reasons for doing so, besides the reasons I see here myself, include your gut feeling of the situation. Women should ALWAYS listen to their gut - always. It is THE SIGNAL to listen to, before advice, before looking for clues - it's the gut.

And even if we toss away the red flags here and all other reasons, bottom line, if someone makes you feel like crap about yourself, makes you feel used and makes you cry because of this negative feeling - then sweetie, you listen to THAT if nothing else.

Women should date men who make them feel good about themselves, not bad - period.

Now setting that aside, let's explore some red flags here. First of all, I'd advise you to read this piece here:

And see if any of that resonates with you. Moving along, that first date, as great as it sounds, seems to good to be true. And when I'm in situations like that, I very skeptical. It's almost like he's read too many books on how to land a woman, or too many romantic movies, and he's following a script of sorts. Players are VERY CHARMING in nature. And they'll butter your bread with extra butter if ya' get my drift, in an "over the top" kind of manner.

Backing up my suspicions of a player here, is the fact that he's a physical trainer. I don't mean to be sterotypical, but I guess I'm going to be here. Again, I'm sensing player. Physical trainers get close to women, they're allowed to touch women, they're permitted inside "the zone" with women - and they get to hone these skills daily. Thus, making them pretty slick with women in general.

(Continued . . .)

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Next we have his admission here of another woman. And he says this casually, as if it isn't an issue. And that tells me, he does this often and he's very comfortable with that. The fact that he's treating you like a Princess and, all the while, he's "messing around" with another woman confirms to me he's playing women - like a fiddle. And when he says she's "really cool" - to me, translation: I'm going to continue doing this becaause I like it. Another translation of "she's really cool" to men is - friend with benefits.

Moving along, he's admited he's a commitment phobe. Those men, because of their fear of commitment, generally are involved with several women at once, not committing to any of them, ever.

And you're right, he's getting everything a relationship with you entails, without comitting to you or the relationship. As a result, my fear is that he's telling this other woman the same exact thing about you - that he's told you about her. You're both probably "really cool" in his eyes.

Lastly, I sense a bit of manipulation. When he senses you're pulling away, he's tossing out words like "hun" and he's empathizing with you, "you must be really tired." He's immediately slipping into damage control mode at the first sign of you distancing yourself and he's using manipulation to make it appear as if he's very understanding. When the reality is, he's hoping that will entice a response from you.

If a guy is going to fall in love with a woman, that'll usually take place between the 3 to 6 month range. After almost a year and a half, he's still not there, and chances are, he may never be there. I mean seriously, a year and a half and he's not "feeling" you yet? That doesn't seem right to me.

But setting all of the above I noted here aside, the bottom line is this - we can ignore ALL of that because the simple fact of the matter is that this guy is making you feel like crap about yourself. This situation is affecting your self esteem, your worth and how you value yourself. NEVER a good thing, never. Especially for a woman because this type of situation can do lasting damage to a woman and how she values herself, how she sees herself.

You deserve someone who will make you feel good about yourself - and your gut is telling you this. It's also vibing lots of other things to you here about this situation.

So you can ignore me and everything I'm seeing here and simply listen to your gut. Because it is speaking to you. It's telling you that you deserve more. . . and you should listen to it.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous (Sept. 1, 7:30pm),
One last thought. I'd like you to read the little story I wrote here:


Particularly the section titled, "The Aftermath When Men Disappear and Reappear." Read the story there, about the woman and her shiny suit of armor.

I think that may convey to you the damage that could possibly be done here in this situation. I don't want you to play a role in that damage yourself, by continuing along with this situation.

So read that little story. I don't want to see you enter Stage Three or Stage Four there - and never come out of it.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror,i enjoy reading your articles and i would like some advice if possible.
ive been sort of seeing this guy i used to date 11 years ago he was my first love and then he dumped me and broke my heart.i found him on facebook back in october last year and started chatting again and i thought nothing would happen between us because i thought he would be married with kids.
he told me he was in a relationship for 8 years and she walked out on him at the beginning of the year.we text each other everyday and called eachother all the time at the beginning.
so then he asked if he could see me again but he lives in a different state so i went to see him for the first time in 11 years back in november and it felt like old times (well to me it did) then at xmas he came down to my town and then back in february and went up to see him again.
when i was with him for the weekend back in february he was so distant and told me that he was doing a course and would not be able to see me till august.we have been texting each other for the past six months and making plans but not keeping them and now august has come and gone and now i dont know whats going on.now he hardly texts me but replys when i text him.i know long distance relationships are tough but i feel soo hurt because i was so hesitant to see him again because he hurt me all those years ago and he knew that.
DO i ask him if he wants to see me again?
Are these just excuses and never will i see him again but we are still in touch.i feel like im there untill he meets someone on his doorstep. ive done the dissappearing act and he always comes back but he just texts me never rings.
Any Advice.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Regretfully, I hate to say this but it appears he hasn't changed one bit. And if I had to guess, he either reconciled with the ex or found someone nearby that's move convenient to him.

It's be nice, of course, if he'd just say that but he won't. And the reason is because if this new situation falls through, he'll return again.

If you're okay with the "on again, off again" state he places you in, then move forward. But something tells me that you're not okay with this. In which case, I'd advise you to either pull back completely, or accept him as a friend and expect nothing more to come of it.

He's done this before and based on his past behavior, there's a very real chance he'll do this again . . . and again . . . and again.

I really, really hate to say this, but I fear he's keeping you around as "Plan B." And you deserve better than that.

Do you ask him if he wants to see you again? What for? To put yourself through more pain? He'll only say yes and then bail anyway. He won't give you the truth, so the question becomes mute. And if you do that, you'll only be putting yourself out there to be lied to and hurt again.

If he wanted to see you, that's exactly what he'd do. Ya' know? And I don't like the fact that he only texts. Because especially in a case of long distance, if he really wanted to bond with you, he would do so via real live conversations. So this texting thing tells me he's keeping his distance, and that's not good.

This one's up to you. If it were me, I'd write him off. Because as you said, he'll be back anyway, so what's it matter? And when he comes back, he's got nothing to say or do that's going to move this forward anyway.

I think how I'd handle this one is, next time there's communication (let him initiate it, now you), I'd communicate in a very casual and friendly way that you guys are just friends. I'd also start talking to him about dating other men (weird, I know, but stick with me here).

Continued . . .

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

If you follow those two steps, in that exact order, here's what you're really saying to him. You're signaling that you're over it, that he didn't really hurt you this time, and that you're so over it, you're dating other men. And that when you say you're just friends with a man, that's exactly what that means - just friends. And friends talk about all kinds of subjects, including their dating lives.

So if you hit him with the fact that you see him in the "friend zone" and that he's a pal of sorts that you can communicate about other men with, that'll really send that signal home to him. He'll be like, "Hmm, she must really be serious about us being only friends. Because she's talking to me about other guys."

That will make him drop his guard with you and it may even make him move towards you. Because he'll be worried about YOU putting HIM at a distance. And he may become insecure at the thought of losing. And once a man drops his guard, once he no longer feels the pressure of a relationship with a woman, he may move towards you.

So remove the pressure of a relationship and take the action of placing him in the friend zone. After you've done that, begin talking about your dating adventures with other men with him, asking his advice. (Which will give you great insight into HIM and his dating thoughts.)

And if he starts to call you babe or dear or hun, you stay strong and say things like, "Awe, that's so sweet. What a great friend you are." No matter how smooth he gets with you, you CONSTANTLY remind him he's nothing more than a friend. You drive that home with him.

It sounds like games, I know. But in a sense, he's playing games with you by stringing you along. So what choice do you have other than to show him he's underestimated you, ya' know?

I'd go that route if you're not willing to cut him loose altogether. Because that will give you the opportunity to continue communicating with him and best of all, you'll get to learn A LOT about him in the process.

Anonymous said...

This is so devastating mirror..a player..why me?..it seems like i can never find a good one. the hard thing i have to deal w now is continuing to pull away..and its so weird that when we pull away they try to act like they care..and even try to get ahold of us more? why the freakin mind games?! i guess this is the only way ill know if he will ever commit to me..it just hurts that someone can string around another human being like this and not even care. And i know your going to say..just move on..date..go out with my friends and all that..but what if i dont even have the desire to do those things because i am so hung up on this asshole? i am about to read the link you suggested with the woman in the armor..it just hurts so bad..i didnt want to believe it and ive been running from and trying to ignore the situation hoping something would change and it hasnt..i feel like getting a box of magnum ice cream bars and just staying in bed all day :( i guess its time for me to let my inner bitch out huh?

Anonymous said...

Thanku mirror for your advice.i think i will pull back completely,i dont know if i freaked him out and went to fast for him because i can tell he is still hurt from his past relationship. i just wish i knew where i stand because its not fair what he is doing to me,i am dying to ask but that shows him im sat there waiting for him and i think he knows that.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous (Sept. 2, 1:36pm),
I know that it isn't easy to pick yourself up, brush yourself off and move forward. Trust me, I know this.

It's healthy to take some time to grieve the loss. If you want to stay in bed and eat ice cream all day, then that's what you do. But I've found it's healthy to set limits with regards to the process. And by that, I mean, take that day for yourself - but make it only one day, not seven. Tell yourself, "Ok, today's my day and tomorrow, I'm going to go shopping, or I'm going to meet my girlfriend for lunch, or I'm going to take walk in the park, or I'm going to sit and listen to music."

Switch it up a bit in an attempt to keep yourself active in some manner. It could be 6 months before you feel like dating again. But when I advise women to date, I'm talking casually. Meaning, get out there and have conversation with someone. I'm not talking about falling in love, I'm talking casual dating, no sex. Because it gives you hope and attention from another man will make you feel good about yourself again.

I think you knew what you were dealing with here with him because you said you've been trying to avoid it, not believe it and ignore the situation. That won't bring about change my friend. The only thing that will instigate any change here - is you. He is who he is. And until HE decides to change, that's who he'll be.

Read through the other comments here if you haven't already. You will see that you're not alone. And you will also see that other women here, that have been in your situation and have found their inner bitch - are feeling great about themselves. They're feeling empowered and in control for the first time ever - and that's a truly great feeling and something to be proud of.

When men behave like this, most times, they don't realize the damage they're doing to another human being. Their focus is on "self" and some men have a hard time seeing women as anything other than playtoys to tinker with for their enjoyment. They don't mean to do it, they don't mean to be that way. Sometimes they're just narrow minded, selfish, self centered and narcissistic.

The trick to the grieving process is not to focus on what an ass he was - the trick is to focus on what a great person you are, that you deserve more and that you're going to empower yourself to have that someday - and then follow through.

You will see that in the end, taking control will give you peace, comfort, pride and happiness. As odd as that may sound right now, it will happen.

So you take as much time to grieve the loss as you need, but all the while, you pepper in some outside activities and you get out there and you stay active - even if it's alone, on a park bench, contemplating life in the park.

During this process, you grant yourself all your hearts desires. Ice cream, jewelry, new clothes, a new hairdo or a complete makeover . . . whatever it takes to make YOU feel good about YOU in some way. You'll soon see that we don't need to validate ourselves through a man. We can do that for ourselves. We don't need a man to make us happy. We can do things for ourselves to make us happy. So during this process, pamper yourself and be good to yourself. And you'll see, this will eventually all come together for you.

And for any other ladies following this conversation here, please take a moment to chip in and leave some encouraging words of support for our friend.

Anonymous said...

Ladies you are not alone. Reading these stories of other women feeling this way just makes me want to cry because I can relate entirely to your guys situation. :*( I've been hung up on this one guy for about 2-3 years now ... a man who keeps appearing, disappearing, and then reappearing in my life just as when I'm ready to embrace the new. My feelings towards him cannot be explained through words because when it comes down to it, words become useless. I'm confused as to why my feelings are so attached to this guy when he has done nothing for me at all. Maybe it's the challenge? Or maybe because I'm just so stupid and allow guys to treat me like dirt. I've beaten myself up and put myself down so many times because of this guy. I feel like it's impossible for me to move forward because each time I try to, I end up in the same spot again each and every time.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Thank you for contributing your story. I imagine every woman on the planet has suffered this situation at one point or another in time.

Regretfully, I do not have the answers regarding why, but I do have some thoughts on the matter. The concept is shared in this piece:


Basically, I believe women are raised and taught to "care" for others. In addition, they are told (or at least it's conveyed in some manner) that if you "do" for others, if you're nice, if you smile all the time and if you're sweet - people will automatically love you for this.

And nothing could be further from the truth, especially in this day and age. Behaving like that will only get you taken advantage of, run over and taken for granted.

And when that happens, women are left feeling confused and used. It's like, "I did everything I was suppossed to do. I was nice, I was kind, I did nice things, I cared. Why was I not loved?"

It's a real conundrum and women need to realize that constantly caring and doing for others - and not caring for themselves in the same manner - will only keep you confused and on the wrong path.

That old way of thinking (which generally stems from times when women were taught to be submissive "doers" and nothing more, the era prior to the women's liberation movement which occurred in the late 60's) no longer applies in these modern times.

Performing tasks, performing functions, caring for others and not yourself, being nice all the time, never speaking your mind, never standing up for yourself and never demanding equal treatment in return will no longer earn you the affections of others, especially the modern day male. Rather, taking care of yourself first, loving yourself, demanding equal treatment, standing up for yourself and speaking your mind are actually the things that create attraction with the modern day man - it piques their curiosity because it goes against the grain of everything THEY were raised to believe about women as well. And as much as they'd hate to admit it, they admire those qualities in a mate.

It takes a lot of strength to love yourself in that manner. Staying and tolerating is easy (the women of the 1950's perfected submission in the "nuclear family" era). However, standing and walking away is the truly difficult road to travel (a road that the women's liberation movement of the 1960's era showed us). But it IS the one that will lead you to your happiness and also to a mate that appreciates everything about you.

Anonymous said...

@ mirror..thank you very much for your words of wisdom..your words of encouragement have been a big deal of help to me. Its a really hard time for me now..i have these bouts of empowerment..and then hours later I am crying..i guess its just a greiving process that i will have to endure..which sucks..because while im doing this he has no clue and is just going on about his life..smh..i talked to a friend today who told me it was time to move on and not to waste my time. Thats a hard thing to do when youve invested so much time in someone or something..i just feel used and walked on..and wish i saw the signs earlier instead of seeing through rose colored glasses..im just really going to try and focus on myself guess..write in my journal alot..and get out more..even though that seems like the last thing i want to do..i feel numb inside..theres been so many guys who have wanted to date me or take me out..and ive been so hung up on this jerk id turn them down..now i dont even feel like going out..just my luck..i guess the inner bitch needs to come out and i got to be strong..also hes been sendng me texts like crazy! saying he misses me..kisses and hugs..even a nice pic of his chisled body..what do i do? completley ignore? or just dont respond..or respond and say "why do you keep sending me tnese pics? whic would completely throw him off..also..i know he will be asking me to come over soon..do i say " lets just meet up for dinner" and see how he reacts? im just confused..and at anonymouus 6PM..girl.. i know how you feel..im a year and 5months in deep..it hurts so bad..and everytime you hear from him your heart flutters..but you still have this empty feeling inside..whats a woman to do..

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well, we're all different people. So when it comes to the question of "what do you do" - that's really going to be up to you.

Maybe it's just me, I dunno, but I really don't like how he's communicating with you either. Sending you pics of his body??? Um, that screams "this is about sex" to me. Those kinds of communications always give you a glimpse into someones intentions and motives - and he's screaming loud and clear "it's about sex" and "it's all about me . . . look at me."

Any guy who sends a nice woman photos like that of his body, especially nude ones, is disrespecting her in my opinion. Instead of inquiring about how she's doing or what's been going on in her life or asking her out to a nice dinner or making some nice romantic plans for a date or an evening out - it's the equivalent of doing absolutely nothing for her - other than inviting her over for a booty call. In my opinion, he's screaming loud and clear what this is all about to him and in addition, it's very nacissistic behavior for a man to act like that - like "look at me" all the time. It's all about him.

If this were me, I'd have never spoken to him again after he revealed he's been "messing around" with another woman. That would've been it for me. And as far as remaining friends after a situation like this, that rarely, if ever, works and will just blow up in everyones face at some point. And with a guy like this, chances are good that, after he realizes you no longer intend to sleep with him - he'll do THAT to YOU. He'll disappear in a flash after he realizes there's nothing in it for him anymore. So why worry about treating him that way, ya' know? Because I bet that's what he's going to do anyway. Attempting to see him without being involved with him, and being just friends, is most likely going to be a waste of time. In addition, he may deliver the last blow by ditching you because of it. So why give him the opportunity to hurt you once more?

But like I said, everyone is different and this is ultimately going to be up to you as to how you handle this. If it were me, with a guy like this, I'd just POOF - vanish. I wouldn't give him the time of day nor would I give him the courtesy of an explanation. And the reason I'd do that is because I imagine that's what he's going to do - once he realizes he's not going to get sex out of the situation anymore. He's already got at least one other woman we know about on the back burner here. Chances are, he'll just disappear and move onto the next one.

Whatever you decide to do, just don't give him anymore opportunities to hurt you. He's doing damage to your worth and your self esteem here. Don't let that happen anymore. Whatever you do, you think of YOURSELF first here. You do what's best for YOU.

Anonymous said...

I just want to say this is cool stuff and thank you, thank you, thank you for this read, your efforts, time and wisdom. I'm a young 42 never all that marriage/family oriented. Case in point is the situation I'm in which works really well for the most part. He's an international executive at a former employer of mine (they closed their satellite office) and we got into this as fwb/casual dating with no expectations on either part for more - that is fine with me. He's completely busy with travel, corporate pressure, new ownership, etc and all the things which make him not available for anything real. I'm technically unemployed, trying to start my own business and focused on that. Again, this situation is about all I can handle in terms of dating/relationship atm.

We had experienced some major 3rd person drama in March where a friend of mine tried to start trouble for me by involving him in our friendship-fighting. It was too much and predictably, he bailed for about 3 months.

I let him.

He returned on his own early summer and I might have let him back in too soon (easily?), however, I felt badly for indirectly bringing him the drama and didn't do any "punishing the disappearance" sort of thing. Well, not punishing but you know what I mean.

For most of July/August, he was flat-out with traveling overseas to the factory. But we connected almost every day or night 'live' with Skype while he was away. He appeared to miss me and be excited to see me. During the time he was gone, our conversations were becoming more 'getting to know you' and a bit more personal. Whereas before they were more on the surface flirtations.

Anonymous said...


When he returned, my schedule got crazy and I was not able to see him for a bit and of course, because of that, he would blow up the phone to remind me he wanted to see me.

I finally make some space to see him 10 days ago. I still felt he was introducing a bit more of a deeper connection than we have had in the past and especially felt that our 'in person' interaction for more bonded (not lovey-dovey but definitely more intimate). We talked about work and he was telling me candidly about the pressures, xyz problems with xyz colleagues (who, of course I knew), end of fiscal year closings...it sounded like a lot of weight - which I know happens at this time of year. He shared thoughts, feelings and fears about that with me kissed me, then he walked out the door and he's backed off tremendously (immediately). Before figuring out that he's officially mentally checked out of this, I poked him twice last week (to which he did respond but only slightly more than politely). So I'm settled into completely backing off.

I have been guilty of responding immediately to texts and calls if I'm free because I figure that's when he's available. The most he's ever gone without a response is 2 hours - 4 hours if he's in meetings. But I've trained him that I'm mostly available in terms of communication - leaving very little challenge.

I know when two people agree to (and want) casual that it's a different animal than trying to lock someone down for a commitment and I'm not looking for advice, per se, regarding that.

However, I do want to reverse some errors I've made in being so prompt to respond and realizing it's hard to do so when he's genuinely focused on his responsibilities at the office. He's traveling to yet another overseas trade show at the end of the week where there is also an annual sales conference and wont return for 3 weeks.

I'd like to "disappear" and then start with a clean slate but I'm not even sure when he will notice I'm gone. Should I do things like be invisible on Skype? Not post on my fb? (I don't notice him to do much with it himself so I don't know if that would be helpful). Or do you think simply not nudging him for a bit would be enough? How long would it generally take for someone who isn't relationship minded to notice an absence?

I sometimes catch myself day dreaming about telling him off about his disappearance but then try to focus on the things in my life that I am grateful and sometimes that washes away the ugly feelings of neglect.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

For the most part, I think you're handling this situation correctly. And you're right, agreeing to something casual (without secret expectations of something long term) is a different animal.

It takes a very strong woman to be able to keep something casual as women are naturally programmed to "bond" after experiences with a man. But if it works for the both of you, then it works - and that's all that matters.

Sounds like, short of a few disappearances here and there (with good reasons), that he's been pretty respectful and has been treating you well.

If you're looking to institute a clean slate, I think what I might do here is just sit back and wait for him to come to you. Don't nudge him anymore. Now, as to how long it will take him to notice, that depends on his schedule and where his heads at. He sounds like a busy man with lots of responsibilities, so it could be a while. But don't worry, he'll reappear and he's already done so in the past. He hasn't completely forgotten about you and I don't think he will anytime soon.

So I'd simply sit back, give him all the space he needs and wait for him to come to you. If his disappearances upset you from time to time, remind yourself that you're in agreement with this, ya' know? That is, as long as he has good reason to disappear (work) and as long as he's respectful upon his return.

And when he does return, he's given you a pretty good timeline to follow with regards to response time. He's responding in a timely manner, 2-4 hours. So I think you should mirror his behavior and take the same amount of time for yourself in your responses.

That'll give him a little more space and it'll also relieve any "relationship" pressures he may secretly be fearing and any sort of obligation to the situation. If you appear casual in your response, he'll keep his guard dropped.

But I can sense you're kind of on the brink of possibly resorting to chasing him? Because you sense he's sort of checked out? If that's the case, don't do it. You'll send him packing for sure. You just sit back and bide your time here. He'll swing around again, guaranteed.

BTW, thanks for mentioning your age. It just goes to show you . . . these things don't just take place with young adults and teen lovers. And men . . . yea, they generally don't change with age LOL.

Anonymous said...

I wrote a whole response but lost it so now, I'll be brief. Thank you again for your thoughts. He's a 35 year old Taurus, I'm a 42 year old Leo who definitely likes to have admiration and attention (not the drama seeking/creating kind). He's a bit stoic, self-proclaiming to not being able to attach emotionally to things, pets, people (this came up organically before we got together in a conversation about pets).

Regarding the expectations you mentioned about long term...I do wish for it to be long term, but just not progress into anything real or to be moved along. Is that still considered casual? I don't know if he wants it to be long term but I'm sure that he doesn't want to progress.

At first, he was straight-laced/stiff in his interaction. And it was sort of driving me nuts. I'm very open about sex, not shy about the need to share those thoughts. He's very sexual as well but not forthcoming, wasn't expressing things verbally. I flat out told him I enjoyed fun and flirty or otherwise, would lose interest. It wasn't a threat but just something I mentioned without thinking about it. That night, he found me on Skype, I waited a few days before accepting and it's been steadily flirtatious almost every day/night until the last time we got together and then nothing! Pretty convenient? So I guess I wonder if a) he's just in another compartment of his life right now or b) if it's run it's course? These questions are making me draft "is it something I said?" texts in my head. I know if anything, I was super laid back and low pressure when we saw each other to the point where he was asking me personal questions about things going on in my life that I wasn't prepared to answer because the answers were complicated and involved me sharing some feelings that I hadn't yet processed (not about him). So I answered vaguely, shut it down but not before it felt awkward. I don't know but don't think that affected anything, just thinking I wasn't trying to suffocate him or anything.

I do wonder though, given that he hasn't initiated anything since then if I should wait a few days before returning a contact. Although, he's been respectful per se, isn't suddenly dropping contact after getting together considered rude?? It's not like he specifically warned me about his busy schedule and not having time, I just happen to know about these things.

One thing that is curious (and may feel to him like suffocation) is that he's been very interested and excited for me to move to the area he lives as I was 45 minutes further away. It was looking like I wasn't going to be able to sublet my friend's apartment and he was bummed. Last week, I got the apartment and moved. That was one of my two nudges last week. I texted him and said a 'welcome to town' drink might be in order, he responded within seconds asking me if I got the place, I said yes and nothing. So I feel extra silly being 4 miles from him (although that's not why I'm here and he knows it) and experiencing crickets. Kind of puts a rather large punctuation mark on everything. Ugh.

Guess this wasn't brief after all. Thanks again, Mirror.

Anonymous said...

This is 42-year old Leo..confession, I hadn't yet read your article about Taurus men. Until now and I have goosebumps. I think I'm going to bolt on this guy and situation. I'm a bit freaked out right now.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well, after learning a bit more about your situation, yes, I think he's being rude. The fact that you moved closer to him, he's now aware of it, but remaining MIA is ignorant. Additionally ignorant is the fact that he's disappearing on you without having previously warned you about his schedule. I thought he had given you notice of that and that you two agreet it would be like this.

It appears that possibly, you've sort of been making excuses for him? With work? Because truthfully, we really don't know that's what's been keeping him away, ya' know?

And there's something else that jumped out at me with this new information - his age. It's not necessarily the fact that he's younger though. Let me explain. I have a theory about men in the 32 - 37 year old age bracket. And that theory is . . . it's the new mid life crisis range LOL. There's actually a term for that age bracket that's taken hold. Many are now referring to them as "adult adolescents."

It's like they're caught between being a responsible adult and their youthful days in their 20's. Their professional lives can be very fruitful (which grants them money and a bit of power), yet in their mind, emotionally they're still about 24. I don't know if that's the case here or not, but figured I'd mention in case you could relate.

I'm sorry the Taurus article freaked you out. I imagine you related to some things there?

After reading this additional information, I'd pull back here. It's the only way you're really going to know if he's into this or not. But don't expect much. He sounds distant and he's already admitted that. And he's now deliberately placing distance between you. My guess is that now that you're closer to him, he's thinking, "Oh no, here we go. She's gonna wanna move in here in 6 months now." I bet he thinks you did that for him (his ego will have him believe this) and he's a bit concerned. So he may become colder than ever here just to prove a point.

He's pulling back so you do the same. Mirror his behavior. One of two things will happen. He'll either come forward looking for you or he'll disappear altogether for a while. Either way, you'll have an answer. But chase this one or confront him and he's gonna bolt.

But something tells me your gut is speaking to you here - and it will know best what to do. Listen to it and you can't go wrong.

Anonymous said...

After having read these stories I finally built up the courage and decided to do something about my situation. I confronted the guy who has left me in confusion for the past year or two now and simply told him how I felt about him and asked if he felt the same. I've been playing mind games with him for so long now; acting cool, calm, and collected, when in reality, I just wanted an answer. I know I ruined it by confronting him but I did what was best for me, so that I wouldn't have to wait and waste anymore time on him. He told me that he wasn't ready for me at the moment because there's so much going on. He simply wasn't ready and didn't want to hurt me, more than he already has. He then txts me saying that he's sorry and asks me what do I think of him now that he's told me the truth. Of course when I got his response I was so hurt and saddened ... so much that I didn't even reply back to him. I guess apart of me was embarrassed for being rejected but I wanted the truth and I got it. Don't ask for the truth, if you can't handle the truth, right? Whatever the case, I was a mess for the next few days. I still am a mess. Right now I'm allowing myself to grieve because I'm only human. The thing is, since I didn't reply back to him at all, he's been txting me since the confrontation. (just simple txts though) He left me a, "?" .. and then he asked me if I wanted to go play tennis with him. WTF?! RIGHT?! Why would he ask me that during a time like this? He obviously knows I'm hurting. :( I'm just so confused with this guy. What do you think? Do you think I'm being childish for not replying to him? Should I not let my pride get in the way and just tell him what I think of him? Is there even a point? What's the point of contacting him anymore ... I said "yes" and he said "no" and that's that. I'm just very hurt still and heartbroken if you will. Do you think he just feels bad so these txts are just ways of trying to check up on me? :/ Who's being the reasonable one here?

Anonymous said...


One thing that he doesn't like about me is how I keep my emotions inside and I never let anything out .. which is true. I mean, it took me ALOT of courage to be able to tell him how I truly felt about him. He always doesn't like how I go MIA, but like I said previously to the mind games. He went disappearing and I was only mirroring his behavior. Is this the time to stand up for myself and tell him EVERYTHING that's been on my mind? Or would that make the situation worse? Seriously though ... who txts someone if they want to go play tennis after having rejected them?!

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Cut him loose for right now. Take all the time you need to get yourself through this situation.

The way he's behaving right now - that's guilt. And he needs to experience that right now on his own, too.

I went through a similar situation. I never confronted the guy, I just kept cool. But he KNEW what he was doing was wrong and he disappeared. The one night about 4 months later, we go for a drink as friends (I was able to do this because I never wanted a relationship with him anyway, he wasn't boyfriend or husband material in my opinion) and out of nowhere, while we're having a good time and just being cool with one another, he starts blabbering about how guilty he's been feeling and it's been killing him, blah, blah, blah.

I laughed it off cause I didn't care anyway, but I thought, "Yea, that's karma and she's a real bitch dude."

And now, he contacts me regularly and I rarely make myself available to him - and it irks him to no end. Naturally, I could care less. He brought all that crap on himself and maybe he'll think twice with the next one.

So he's feeling guilty and all this attention you're getting from him is just that - his guilt.

I say let him experience it. Let the lesson be learned, let it sink in. That's why you don't treat people like crap or like objects without feeling . . . because guess what? These guys are all only human too . . . and karma, yea, she is a woman and her name is "bitch."

The power is now yours. Enjoy it and leave him to his own demise.

Anonymous said...

Cut him loose for right now? What do you mean by that? So the best thing to do is to end all contact with him? I'm just afraid of running into him again because I'm not going to know how to react and I know that's something that I shouldn't be worrying about because HE'S the culprit here. I guess you could say I'm very lost in my own self right now .... not knowing how to react, feel, or cope with all that went down. I have this "power" .. something that I've been waiting to gain for so long and now that I have it, I don't even know how to use it correctly and accordingly. However, to hear that he's experiencing guilt, I'm glad. When guys feel guilty, what's all going through their head? I wonder if someday down the line ... he'll have the courage to come up and face me again, like the guy in your situation.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Yes, cut him loose means "goodbye." I know you don't want to hear this, but when a guy says he's not ready for a relationship - it means he doesn't want one - with that individual. I'm sorry, but it is what it is. Google it on the Internet and you'll see many men admitting to it. It's their "out" - they think they're sparing feelings by saying "not yet" but the reality is "never."

Many women have been told by a man that he doesn't want a relationship only to watch the man marry the girl he dated after them.

A guy can only put you through what you permit him to put you through. If you go back for more, more is what you'll get. If you think you can be "friends" - that won't work. You'll have secret feelings for him and seeing him without being able to have him will only hurt you. Because you did want a relatioship here and that feeling or desire isn't going to go away. So why relive the pain over and over again by attempting to be friends?

Don't confuse a guy feeling guilty for one who truly cares. Guilt is not remorse, those are two different feelings:

"Guilt comes from the mind and is the result of self judgment and a desire to control, while remorse comes from the heart and leads to true change."

When men feel guilty, they attempt to conrol the situation - but only to make THEMSELVES feel better - not you. He doesn't want to feel like a creep and if he can get you to speak to him, he won't feel like one because he won't think you're hurt real bad - because you're willing to speak to him.

So the real question is: Do you want him to feel bad about what he did or not?

If it were me, I'd disappear and really drive it home with him. Let him feel guilty. It's the only consolation you're going to receive here. Because if you still speak to him - it's only going to make HIM feel better. You're going to end up feeling worse for doing so.

You see, speaking to him lets him off the hook, so-to-speak. Why grant him that? He effed up here and he needs to experience the consequences of his behavior. If it were me, I would do nothing to help him with that or signal to him that it's ok to treat me like crap.

If you speak to him, that's like saying, "Oh don't worry. You hurt me but it's ok. It's ok to hurt me, do whatever you want. There will be no consequences and I'll still speak to you no matter how bad you treat me."

That is NOT the message you want to send a guy, ya' know?

Anonymous said...

Hi,I m libran girl.I received an interest from matrimony from a Taurean guy 2 months before.he said he liked my profile and photos but I said "No" that time.After 2 months again he sent me interest stating,if I am certain about getting married,he is keen to talk further.I accepted his interest.After that we had few messages as a communication.He seemed quite sure about me even before meeting first time.he even told me not to worry finance as I told was bothering question to me.Now after I sent my more photographs which he asked me eagerly,he simply told he would let me know when he is coming here to meet me and thats it.6 days has passed but no response.A guy who went on topics like managing finance,ceremony, and reception even before meeting,now seems uninterested as he hasn't called even once.While I can see him online on matrimony looking for other options as well.please guide me whats going on in his mind? How much I should wait?he seemed genuine to me.

Anonymous said...

Yes I know. Thank you so much for helping a sister out with your words of wisdom, expertise, and for sharing your own personal stories. <3 As hard as it may be, I know that this is where God intended to put me and all this hurt will in the end help build me into a stronger person. I'm thankful that it happened and now it's up to me to move on. It'll take time but I know that slowly but surely, I'll gain back my confidence.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Libran Girl,
Be VERY suspiscious of the man who jumps in too soon. Those are players. The one's who charm you by pretending to want a relationship and a commitment right away.

You need to read this piece:

"This generally means he’ll vanish as quickly as he appeared. This is not Prince Charming gals, this is a man waving a giant red flag in your face.

Chances are he’s insecure, needy and suffers low self-esteem. He’s learned, through a series of painful mishaps, that it’s much easier to pretend to want the real deal than it is to do the work necessary to create a real relationship.

This guy is insincere and he’s not genuine. How could he be? How can anyone be with someone they really haven’t had to the time to fully get to know? He wants to hurry this process along so he can get in and get out just as quickly. It’s the ole “sweep her off her feet” method . . . that generally ends with him dumping you on your ass.

This guy is emotionally immature and lacks the social skills necessary to interact in a genuine manner – so he fakes it. Be very leary of the man who is all too ready to commit."

Anonymous said...

Fellow taurus girl here, i have been in contact with a taurus guy now for 5months sometimes weeks apart without no contact but he would always persue me. we had been getting closer lately with texts throughout the day. i finally invited him round 3days ago and stupidly slept with him, it is completely out of character for me but i got caught up in the moment and could not resist him. i contacted him after he left asking if he got home ok and he replied. but nothing since! I sent him a message lastnight saying why are you so quiet? How are you? But nothing!

I half know the reasons why no contact like he's had his cake and eaten it.

Maybe he didn't like me in person? Im no longer a challenge to him?

I think about him a lot and just want dome advise where to go from here?

Anonymous said...

42 year Leo here...

Regarding some of the speculation you suggested: Without getting bogged down by too much detail here, he's not the adolescent type - in fact, the complete opposite - quiet, mature, responsible, completely composed and poised. Aside from his looks, I assumed he was much older because of the way he conducts himself.
He definitely has a lot going on in both his personal and business life and that's not my making up excuses - I was always privy to the workload during this time of year. The company has released two major press releases this week about changes to infrastructure so there's a lot going on. Due to his living situation and a few other things, I don't think he's been concerned about me wanting to move in with him as he knows it's not an option. He's just short-saled a home for half of what he paid for it 5 years ago and has another property on the market. He's renting a separate property and his young kids (6-3) live there, part time.

Anyway, Wednesday night, I deactivated my fb account - not for him - I actually got annoyed over getting sucked into a political debate that ended badly and hadn't logged into Skype in two days. Yesterday (Thursday), in the late afternoon, he finally texted "hey there, I thought I'd hear back from you regarding xyz" (xyz was a nudge that had an expiration date because it was an event we'd talked about that ended on Tuesday. I told him in my last communication that it ended Tuesday but maybe he expected me to nudge him again about it, I don't know).
Is this one of those situations where I let days go by before I get back to him and make him sweat it out? I think he leaves either today or tomorrow for the overseas trade show...

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

I'd follow the advice listed in this article with him. In otherwords, back off a little, do not initiate contact, wait for him to come to you - and give him some space.

If he doesn't come around, you have your answer. If he does, follow the advice here and don't apply any pressure. He may be thinking you want a relationship now, since you've done the deed.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@42 Year Old Leo,
Ok, I have a better idea of the big picture here now. As far as waiting to respond . . that's kind of a tough one here. I'd say go with your gut on this one.

I'd be apt to respond at my leisure because hey . . he kinda missed that event, most likely saw the text and kinda blew if off for whatever reason, and didn't bother to respond back until AFTER the expiration date (knowing he missed it), and lastly . . . because he waited for you to nudge him (do the work here to keep this thing going) without being proactive about it.

You'd be better able to read him than me, however, taking all of that into consideration, I kinda don't like the fact that he saw that text, knew of the event and did nothing - but wait for YOU to contact HIM. Something about that doesn't sit quite right with me. Because a guy who really likes a girl wouldn't do that. Even a busy one. A busy guy who really likes a girl but is in somewhat of a bind would respond (so as not to lose her) by saying something like, "Geesh, I'm sorry. I don't think I'm going to make it. I'm very busy right now, but I will definitely be in touch with you before I leave." Or something like that.

Taking it a step further, a guy who really likes a girl wouldn't say, "Hey, you didn't contact me and we missed the event" which is basically what he was saying. A guy who really likes a girl and wants to show her some respect would've started with an apology. Something like, "Hey, I'm sorry. I've been so busy, I saw your text but I was waiting for you to contact me."

He didn't do either and that's not sitting well with me. But like I said, you're better able to judge here. Just take those things into consideration is all.

miss_sunshine said...

Dear girls,
I have to tell you this is going to be a long post , but hopefully it will also be helpful. My story, posted on august 29th, didn’t continue very well in the past week. Me and my fellow co-worker (I would have said boyfriend, but he wasn’t ready to be that for ME) have grown even more apart. He is like miles away from me now .. carefully weighing all his life, what he really wants. We are constantly avoiding each other. I seem to avoid him because I “punish” him, or something, he avoids me because he has other priorities. I couldn’t help initiate a small and calm!! :P reassessment of our situation, yesterday, only to find myself being feed with the same TRUTH. He cannot find a place for me in his life. (he didn’t say this, but that’s the message). He told me he wants to explain things out.. and other bullshit as well! what??? I am thinking only of him and he gives me this cold attitude, after all we’ve been through?!?!? You can imagine how it came as a huge blow! I can go nuts in my mind when I feel rejected

But after having cried my eyes out all day and night long… I came to realize this has nothing to do with anybody else but ME! I underestimate my own worthiness. I mean I must have some serious self esteem issues if a man, any man, blows me off my feet this easily. I can only imagine it’s the relationship we have with ourselves that stands before any other relationship. My guy must also have his own problems and inner mysteries, but I have nothing to do with that. We get to be treated exactly as we treat ourselves. I know I sound very confident when I say this but inside I find this is one horribly tough lesson. I can be such a damn good preacher but when it comes to practice… i seem to be lobotomized!! Yet, since I truly want happiness in my life, I am going for this lesson and hopefully I won’t get easily distracted into believing my happiness depends on other people. They can contribute to it if they wish, but I don’t want to lose my inner strength and equilibrium if someone decides to step out of my life, for whatever reasons.
Imagine, Mirror, that I have read your articles on Taurus men and how to be a less silly woman, I read other inspirational articles and stuff .. and I still make silly mistakes, but I am not giving up on pursuing this path of self reassessment. I see clearly how a relationship between a man and a woman needs to be built on a solid and mutual ground, both of them wishing and working for the same thing. Needless to say, men and women see, do, think and act differently, maybe because they are differently built. The importance lies is having things WORK between them! with ups and downs included. Things don’t work out when we project our own insecurities, unfulfilled desires and unsolved issues on the others hoping they will fix it out for us! No engine runs on mud! That is something I admit I do all the time. That is stupid and useless!

as for my fabulous situation, I keep taking chill pills, give myself time to really build up. Otherwise, I believe I’ll go from one disastrous relationship to the next. Hard as it may appear, I believe I must learn to accept life’s rules! Some people are in for the long haul and others are not. And you really cannot tell which are which unless you’re already 99 y.o and not into dating anymore!! :)))

To sum this confession up, I may not be doing very well yet, but somehow, I’m learning new skills and I’m trying my best to let life flow freely! Good things seem to miraculously appear all the time.
Thanks for listening up :D

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well good for you! You're learning, your taking lemons and making lemonade, and you're becoming self aware and your experiencing a bout of self growth. All very good things. So good, as a matter, of fact, that those good things that seem to be suddenly and miraculously appearing . . . yea, you're drawing those things to yourself because you're emitting a more positive and confident energy.

So he wasn't the one. Oh well. And I don't say that in jest, it hurts, I know this. But be thankful he revealed himself as a jerk, you could've wasted a lot more time here. Trust me, someday when you meet your Prince, you'll be so very thankful for this period in your life and all the lessons you've learned.

I once had a reader here, a Sag male that became a rather close email friend over time (Hey Stewart! If you're still around :-) that shared some great insight with me. He said, "Sometimes life pounds us out, hammers us into a new person. Whether we like it or not. And it's us and our unwillingness to change and see the light that forces the universe to initiate the pounding."

And that is so very true. Whether we like the experience or not, we will be better off for it. And you're realizing that a man cannot grant you your happiness - it has to come from within yourself. You can't place all those expectations onto another human being. It isn't fair and it will only leave you disappointed time and again.

You stood up for yourself, you're gaining your confidence and your acknowleding your self worth. Continue to do so and you will see, emitting that positive energy will attract more of it right back to you. It's a universal law, the Law of Attraction.

And if you'd like to generate more of it, read this piece here:


And always remember, no matter what, "Never treat someone like your priority while they're treating you like their option."

Keep us posted, Sunshine!

Anonymous said...

Hi Everyone! I'm having such a hard time this weekend. I have been dating a man for 6 months now. He has always been so attentive and wanting me around, etc. Today is Sunday and yesterday was the first time ever I have not heard from him in 6months. I have been crazy...Its all I can do not to text or call him. He brought me into his family, I have become close with his mom and his kids...even his ex wife and I get along. He pre-warned me that he would be extremely busy in the fall..with his kids' sports and his love of football. But to just completely drop out for a day is so unusual. Terrible thoughts go through my mind. Is there someone else? Does he suddenly hate me? What did I do wrong? When I spoke with him Friday, everything seemed normal. Now nothing. I appreciate reading the advice here because its been the only thing to keep my from contacting him. I am so frustrated and scared that I can't eat. I pray I hear from him today but am terrified I wont.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

It's only been one day - relax. It's not realistic to think that, when dating, you're going to be in constant contact, daily, 365 days of the year.

Things happen, life happens, responsibilities happen, obligations happen . . he'll be in touch. But if you start behaving as if you're going to lose your mind here and he senses that, you could throw things for a loop by appearing emotionally unstable to him. So don't do that and don't act on any of these feelings.

All these feelings you're having right now are simply your insecurities coming to the surface. Acknowledge that, acknowledge them. Know that that's all it is and ignore them.

If you act on these feelings, all you're going to do is let fear take control - and it'll drive you and the relationship right into a ditch.

It's only been one day and he warned you of this. So this shouldn't come as a surprise. He has life obligations, family obligations. Give him the space he needs and he'll come around when he can. And when he does, don't reveal that you had any of these worries or it may scare him off.

Just play it cool.

Anonymous said...

from anonymous Sept 1st 730pm
Hello Mirror..its been a rough week for me since the last time Ive written anything on here. Im slowly trying to pick myself up and move on. Regretfully I still havent told him how i felt..but I know i have to do it very soon..I got some inspiration from reading anonymous sept 5 428..sounds exactly like the situation Im in. I guess im trying to figure out the way to do it..over the phone? in person? over dinner? or a long email..hence this guy is a libra..after reading about libra men..gee wiz it sounds like all they do is whisk a woman along and leave her in doubt!! just trying to figure out the pieces on how to pick myself up again. Im a pisces so you can imagine how tough it is for me..hehehe..alot of my gf are saying go out..and just simply grieve..but i remember what you said..only to do it for a day..and then move on..but its not that easy..any tips on dealing with it when it may not be so easy? ive been journaling and reading alot which has helped..but i guess every girl gets over it in her own time..ive been textng him alot less and getting the "is everything ok?" texy..my mom is a fierce bitch..she says tell his sorry ass like it is and cut him off! lmao..its just not that easy..but its nice to know im not the only one going through this..and that all of us women are the same..regardless of age..and know exactly how the other feels..lets try and lift the other up girls :)

Anonymous said...

Hi, I'm a mid-twenties gemini here, I want to start by saying I love this article you posted and had fun reading everything from the top of the page to bottom! I have a bit of a dilemma with a pisces guy--he's someone I dated very briefly about a year ago and need some advice/insight on how to proceed.
We met at work and had a great connection from the start, but didn't start dating until a year after we met. The timing wasn't great, I was going to start school in another state, he had his own (pretty big) issues to deal with, and I felt I would not be able to successfully manage work/school in this relationship, so I ended things with him. I felt terrible, as I cared alot about him, and believe he was into me too (it was, as another reader put it, a "best friend but with a romantic side too"). He knew I had to leave for school, and was ok w/ dissolving the relationship, but was very insistent on continuing a friendship. He actually got pretty emotional over my leaving and based on some things he said, it sounded like he feels we can have a go again after we both grow up more and handle our stuff. We actually negotiated for a week what type of "friendship" this would be and I made it clear this was only going to be a minor friendship, only texting every now and then, since I don't want any drama/blurring of the lines that usually comes with close friendships w/ exes, but on the other hand, I still want to be able to say hi and just know he's ok. A part of me thought this might fade away, as most of these things seem to go...
Fast-forward a year later to the present, we're still keeping in touch about once a month...almost all were initiated by him and I'm fine with it, but conversations are very short, dry/formal--nothing like the easy flow of conversation we use to have. I understand it's normal, and actually appreciate that he's never blurred the lines (i.e. sexting, sending suggestive msgs, etc.). The only thing that seemed to even hint at any of the connection we had was when he had sent me a picture of the place we use to work after passing by it.
I guess my question is how should I go forward from here and what this situation seems like to you? I'm not sure if it's something that I just need to wait and see what happens...for the most part, I have tried very hard to go on my own merry way, and have been doing fine in school/work so far. However, I do miss him very much still, and though I was doubtful about maintaining the friendship in the beginning, I think I very much would like us to continue being friends and talking like we use to. Problem is, we can't seem to get past the dry/formal/short texts and this makes me wonder why we're even attempting to stay friends in the first place. I would really appreciate your input, since this has been nagging me for over a year!

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sept. 9 11:50,
Well this isn't easy for you because I get the impression that YOU'VE never been the one to LET GO before. Once you get comfortable with that, it will come easy with the next jag, trust me, LOL.

Anywho, when I said to grieve a day and then move on, I meant to sprinkle it up. Meaning, one day, allow yourself to grieve. The next day, make plans to get out somehow and do something. Then the next day, if you want a day for yourself, take it. Then the day after that, get out and do something. Handling it like that and sprinkling in days out with grieving days make the process easier.

I know you don't want to go out, but force it. Because you will find it helps. When your out, you're distracted, you get to get out of your head. And it'll make you feel better.

I agree with you mom and to be honest, I'd take great pleasure in giving him the boot, LOL. But that's just me, I'm comfortable with putting me first nowadays. If you don't want to tell him the truth, tell him you met someone else (that'll throw him for a loop, since I'm quite sure he thinks he has you on a string.)

Or just stay gone. Ignore him as you've been doing and just disappear. Or tell him that this isn't working for you, you're to the point where you feel you deserve more from a man. And you've given this over a year to work, but since it isn't and he doesn't feel the same, you're now going to go your own way.

You can pull the bandaid off quick or you can pull it off slow - either way, it's coming off.

And honestly, you're feeling bad still because this is hanging over your head. The sooner you deal with the situation and end it, the sooner you'll begin to heal.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sept. 10 1:13PM,
Well, he's a Pisces (the sign of the poet). Chances are, he's a romantic at heart. You see, he's a Water sign. Water = Emotion. So if you want to speed this along or get back to where you once were with him, you need to start appealing to his emotions. You need to "touch" him in a way.

So rather than keep it formal (he's being a gentlemen by respecting those wishes for you), start asking some personal questions and show you care. Start reaching out to him rather than waiting for him to do so with you. Because he is remaining consistent in his contact with you, so in this case, I think it's ok to do that, especially if you want a bit more by way of the frienship. Since he's respecting your wishes, he's also going to wait for you to be the one to give it a green light, too.

No sexting, but ask how he's been. Maybe even ask if he misses you or tell him you think about him and miss him. That'll get him into an emotional space and he'll open up I bet, being a Pisces.

Anonymous said...

Hi Mirror, this is Anonymous from Sep 10 1:13pm (the gem w/ the pisces guy), thanks for your feedback and suggestions!

The thing is, I feel as if I've already been reaching out more for the past several months now--I've wished him a happy birthday, I've asked him how he is most of the time, and as objectively as I possibly can, I feel that my texts definitely come off a bit more engaging and conversational than his are. I know that things would be a bit weird/uncomfortable in the beginning, especially for him, but I thought that if he genuinely wants a friendship, he could also make more of an effort as far as asking more questions/coming up w/ more interesting things to talk about?

Though the contact is consistent, the substance seems rather lacking, and that is making me wonder whether he truly wants to be my friend because we connected so well as people, or am I now just now some kind of back-up plan. I definitely hope it's the former, and it's the reason I still maintain some sort of contact too. Though I initiated the break-up, it was not any easier than if I had been dumped, since I was very into him, and still am (have not dated or even remotely been interested in anyone else since I left) and I think I came across as such to him. So from a 3rd party's pov, does this look like there's a possibility that he's just taking advantage of that, so the unsubstantial texts are still coming, or can he be just extra-cautious and reserved?

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Could it be that you requested friendship and now that he's placed you into the friendship zone - you're expecting a bit more? Meaning, you said you wanted to be friends, but you're kind of expecting to communicate in a manner that's more than friends? Because it sounds to me like he's actually doing exactly what you requested - and remaining friends and friendly, in a casual manner. But it seems like your looking for more than that and maybe expecting to communicate on a deeper level, like that of boyfriend and girlfriend. Could it be that you requested friendship but expect to communicate as you did when you were dating? You can't have both, only one or the other.

When you remain friends with an ex or someone you were involved with, the communication isn't going to be of an intimate nature. Meaning, it will be casual, not deep, not emotional, not close. Just friendly. But it appears you may be looking for a connection from a friendship situation. That wouldn't be considered friends. That's venturing more into dating territory. If your not dating, you can't really expect a connection and you can't really expect anything more than casual communication. Such as, "hi, how are you?" "What's new?" "How are things going?" That's friendship communication. Anything more than that can't really be labeled "friends" because it would be venturing into more of a connection or dating scenerio.

I think maybe part of your confusion lies in the fact that maybe you don't know what you want here? Maybe you say friends, but you really want a connection, you really want to remain tight in a sense, which would be more than just friends. I don't think he's taking advantage of anything here, I actually think he's respecting your wishes to simply remain friends. He's not being reserved, he's backed off into a friendship position is all. It might be that maybe your expectations from the friendship are too high?

Anonymous said...

Mirror, yeah I have to admit that whatever I had initially thought or however I convinced myself to just be friends, I do deep down want to connect on a deeper level, basically the way we used to. I agree, I can't have it both ways, and it wouldn't be fair to him...I have never tried to maintain communication w/ an ex--it's so hard! Other than the really blatant stuff, it's so hard to know what is considered a friendship-aspect and what is drifting towards dating territory, so thank you for clarifying that. It helped drive home the fact that we're no more than friends now, and I can't expect anything more. I will just try to see him as that now and stop being a wishy-washy gemini :/ I appreciate your time and thoughtful feedback!

Anonymous said...

Oh how I wish I would have found this article sooner!!

I met a Pisces and I am a Capricorn, on-line back in April. We had a texting relationship and honestly at the time, I was not necessarily looking for anything serious. I kinda had the feeling he was but neither one of us discussed it. We met for coffee once and the attraction was there but I still wasn't thinking anything serious would come of it.

About a month after we started talking, I find out that I am pregnant (birth control failed) from a previous short-term relationship. He was one of the first people I told. Surprisingly, he was okay with it. He has 4 kids of his own and said he understood my situation. I was taken aback by that but also happy that it didn't bother him.

We finally had a very informal date and by then, the fire works were out. I was totally into him (I don't know if it was the pregnancy hormones or if I was really falling for this guy)? He was falling for me too, texting me every day and making serious efforts to see me. A couple of weeks later...he started to withdraw. I sensed that maybe he was starting to see other people since we had not discussed being exclusive or not. I told him so long and he didn't put up a fight.

Two weeks later, I made contact (face-palm) and he came over, we had sex and I thought we would start off where we left off. After that day I received a few texts here and there, and he disappeared again....only to text me two weeks later. I was pissed by then and asked him straight up why he disappeared. He said he was at work and couldn't talk but would call me later that night. He never called.

Crazy, pregnant lady sent him a long e-mail telling him off and basically told him good riddance. I was heart broken. I really, really liked this guy and I thought he cared for me but why would he treat me this way if he cared about me? It didn't help that he is the best sex that I've ever had.

3 long weeks passed (you said previously that guys do not think that 3 weeks is long but to me that's a long time) and he contacts me. I totally rewarded him (dammit) and saw him that night. He came back and said he got scared and apologized for treating me this way, that I did not deserve it. Looking back, I totally let him off the hook too easily, but honestly, I was so happy to have him back. I missed him. So for the next 2 months, we are going strong and had the exclusive talk and he referred to me as his GF and him my BF. He told me he looked forward to being there for me and the baby, would pass the baby off as his, he had my back, etc.

Granted, I was not asking him to do any of these things, he volunteered. I was happy and flattered that he wanted to step into that role. Now, I will say that combined with the pregnancy hormones and my insecurity, I started acting insecure. Basically, looking back I know my insecurity (emotional neediness) was getting to him big time.

The straw that broke the camel's back: I hadn't seen him all week (we usually had been seeing each other 2-3 times a week, then it started to dwindle down to one time a week--I understand he has family obligations but I was starting to feel like an option, not a priority). He came over and I was in a funky mood and so was he. I asked if he was going to stay and he said, "If I can, it depends on what is going on with my family tonight" I thought he meant his kids which I totally understand. Then he gets a text that he is going out with family (family he just saw the night before). So, yes, emotional, pregnant lady gets upset because here is a guy that tells me every day he misses me, can't wait to see me and he comes over for a couple of hours then leaves.

Anonymous said...


So the next day, I puppy-dog after him and NO RESPONSE! This is a guy who would always text first, all day every day. I told him "I understand if you need your space but leaving me hanging like this ain't cool" Still NOTHING! That upset me. On Monday, I text him "So that's it, you're just going to ignore me until I go away?" NOTHING....Text him again (ehhh....I know, I know) and pretty much say okay, you got it and told him I know I overreacted but we all make mistakes....that he was walking away from something that coulda been great. That finally got a response from him but he said he wasn't walking away, just "stepping back a bit" and went on to tell me that I was too much sometimes, I don't give him space and dating a pregnant woman isn't easy.
I was hurt but I understood. I was acting like a crazy lady and really, I had no basis for my insecurities, I just let them get the best of me. I did tell him, we needed to discuss all of this face-to-face like adults and he agreed but said it wouldn't be for a few days. I said ok. I backed off a bit and then asked towards the weekend if he could meet....NOTHING.

This was eating at me, so I wait 5 days (a lifetime it seemed like) and sent him yet another text (slap me now please) and this text was long where I put my feelings out there and told him his silence is telling me I just need to move on and that I wouldn't wait around forever, not to take me for granted, etc (yes, you may slap me again). NOTHING!!!!!

A couple of days later, I need closure on this. I hated that in limbo feeling. And since he hadn't responded, I basically texted him and said "Goodbye". He texted back to say he was working out-of-town, but THAT's IT!!! NO explanation, no apology, nothing!

So, I'm trying to move on, that was 6 days ago and last night I get a text from him that he is back in town. I received another today with a picture of him. I have yet to respond and definately after reading this, I am not going to....I want a relationship with this guy but if he is going to go MIA every time the going gets tough, then forget it. I would understand if he at least communicated with me and said, "I need some time to sort things out" I would give him his space but to not say anything? I asked him why he didn't tell me this the first time, he said because he didn't know what he wanted....I just don't understand how he can act like nothing happened.

Now, I'm going to wait to respond but when I do, it's going to be short & brief. When do i respond?? He is going to have to work for me. I am ready to walk away either way so to me, I have absolutely nothing to loose. I care for the guy, I really do but this isn't healthy nor is it the type of relationship I want. DO GUYS EVER CHANGE or is it to be expected that he will run again??

Anonymous said...

Mirror, you are right on! Having been out of the dating scene for a bit, I forgot the "rules" and now I'm suffering. Last conversation I had with the guy, he was like "maybe Tuesday, maybe Wednesday." Then it all came back and I was like WTF. I told him to make it a "no" and his week was busy and I felt like I was on stand by. He was taken aback, I could tell and he said we'd continue the conversation a few days later. I happily wished him goodnight. Haven't heard from him in almost a week. A few years ago I when I had the "rules" clear in my head, I would not have fretted about this. The thing is, there's an upcoming event this weekend. Plan: talk to everyone else, be friendly but not go out of my way to reach out to him. If I don't go, I'll miss out on being with some cool people plus he'll think I'm made. I have not called him, sent any messages---crickets on this end although it's bothers me that he hasn't called. Any advice?

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Capricorn,
When to respond? About a week later with this one (and if he attempts to reach you during that time, you ignore those texts, just as he did to you - you need space and time to collect yourself). The point here is to mirror his behavior.

But the KEY to do this correctly is that you have to remain calm, composed and keep your emotions in check. Because when a woman communicates via her emotions, a man hears nothing, absolutely nothing. He's so taken aback with the behavior that the words aren't landing on him. Which is why no response is given. It's overwhelming to them and the thought of responding to emotional communications is akin to poking a hornets nest to them - they're simply NOT going to do it.

I think you already know this, but if you want change here, the change is going to have to come from you and then it will transfer down to him. Meaning, if you keep your emotions in check and begin to communicate with him in a simpler, more logical (not emotional manner - you'll see him relax and he'll move towards you more. When women share too much of their emotions with men - men run. Stay cool, calm and collected and they come around again.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Just stand your ground here. I think you did the right thing. Even if he doesn't reappear. Because here's the thing . . if you permit yourself to be the stand by or to be an option rather than a priority, especially in the very beginning, then that's what you'll be the entire relationship. He may have been "back burnering" you here (especially if you met online, that's rampant online because men are like, "so many women, so little time.") Especially if that's what your gut was immediately telling you. So you did the right thing, he offered something mediocre that didn't make you happy . . and you nicely refused his mediocre offer. THAT'S the way women need to learn to date. Not sit around, waiting and hoping a man with little to offer picks you . . but doing the picking and chosing yourself. THAT'S how you find happiness. Settling will only bring misery.

So stand your ground, you're going about it the right way here. And go to the event. If you see him, he can bother to approach you - with a BETTER offer this time. If not, move along . . because there's so many men, so little time :-)

Anonymous said...

Anonymous Capricorn here....I know it is a matter of time when he will come back. I really want to have a discussion about all this. If this relationship is going to work, he needs to understand that he can't run and hide when he gets upset. I hear what you're saying about keeping my emotions in check (kinda hard being pregnant but I get it). But how do I have that discussion with him without running him off again? If he comes back, I'm going to be insecure that any minute he will run again. I don't want that. The second time he came back, he was very apologetic and knew he was being an ass, but because this time I was the one who caused it, I think he will think it's okay. I understand the behavior but I don't condone it. To me, when you are in a relationship and you have a problem, you deal with it and move on. I think he has a "fight or flight" mentality. He flew, needed time to regroup and then becomes okay. I get that but for relationships, it's not good. How do I get that across to him and should I do it right away or just play it by ear to see how the relationship takes off again?

Anonymous said...

Thanks Mirror! Standing my ground, and being approached by lots of others--I certainly feel that my mojo is on! Love your writing!

Aquarius sun, Aries rising, Sag Moon

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Capricorn,
I don't suggest having "a talk" with him. It'll be viewed as an aggressive move by him. Additionally, he'll feel "locked in" with you, which will send him running.

Here's the thing . . are you IN a RELATIONSHIP with him at this point? Or are you dating and attempting to build back up to something exclusive again, since the break? I think I know how you would answer that, but is that how he would answer that?

Let's switch gears here a moment and look at this from his point of view. He's taking on an aweful lot here and it's a serious situation. Even though at one point, he agreed to it, it's quite possible he's having second thoughts. Instant relationship, followed by instant family. That's a lot for a guy. Lots of PRESSURE. If you begin to compound that pressure by having "talks" - he's going to feel like a 10 ton weight fell on top of him.

The advice, or rather the point, of this article here is to help women understand that all that talking and sharing of emotions and pressure and whatnot that women lay on men - it doesn't work. They don't HEAR any of that, rather, they tune it out and simply tell you what you want to hear so they can make an escape.

The point is to speak via your ACTIONS, not your words and emotions. If you have a talk with him and he feels pressured, he may lie and agree to go along, only to feel the pressure and disappear again. You can't dictate to a man how you want to be treated or what you expect of their behavior through words - the only thing they understand and compute is ACTIONS.

He already knows how you expect to be treated, trust me, you don't have to tell him this. So a talk is pointless and will only pressure him. Instead, say nothing, nothing at all. He already knows fleeing the scene of a crime isn't good for relationships. If you reiterate that in a conversation, you're going to come across like his mother or a demanding woman, telling him something he already knows. It comes across like a lecture.

Instead, play it cool - and speak via your actions, not words. Pick up where you left off if he's comfortable with that. And if he acts up again or flees the scene, you stay gone, too. You don't call, you don't text, you don't blow up his phone. Why? Because he's EXPECTING you to do that. Instead, you want him to say to himself, "Hmm, where is she? She's normally ringing me and texting me? She must be really upset. Wonder if there's someone else or if she's not interested anymore?"

That's what you want. Your actions of staying gone and not communicating, signal to him that this is not okay with you and that he will not be rewarded for the behavior by you showering him with loads of attention when he acts up. And after a disappearing act, when he does finally contact you . . you're not available for several days. This again, drives it home that this isn't okay with you, to be treated that way. He'll HEAR that. You telling him that will serve no purpose - you SHOWING him that via your actions speaks LOUD and CLEAR to a man.

You talking to him isn't going to prevent him doing what he wants to do. You won't be avoiding anything by doing so. You need to remain collected and wait for him to mess up first. Then if he does, you don't talk - you take action.

Reread the article and let the concept sink in. Actions - not words.

Anonymous said...

Thank you very much. You have made me feel alot better about myself Here is the thing the guy that I was dating left for Germany and I have not heard from him since he left I have not contacted him since I dropped him off at the airport and its been five month now. But on the third of this month I sent him a birthday card did not write anything special just happy birthday. Did I mess up?? I was also told by a friend that his brother said he was planing on returning in September. This month but wanted to surprise me. I don't understand what he is doing or planing. Maybe you can help me with this. Thank you

miss_sunshine said...

Miss_sunshine almost stopped shining today. Latest news:

After a full week of no conversation at or outside work premises, he convoked me for a clarifying little talk… he told me he had to give me an explanation about his behavior and why he decided to step out of our relationship.
There are some details I have not posted about in the above comments. My dear Taurus guy had suddenly stepped out of a “non-functional” relationship with his girlfriend right before we began dating. I knew that about him. While we were just friends we spoke a lot about our private lives, so I knew all along about his relationship with this girl and how he wanted to end it because it was not working between them (that was his version at that time). And also, this girl left for another country and when she asked him to join her, he say no because it was not what he wanted. Time flew like hell and there he was single again, making his way into my life (the delightful story is up somewhere in the previous comments, for those who need clarification) and he kept feeding me with all the bright and enchanting things that any woman would love to hear.

I need to mention that I truly believe our intuition, as women, is almost never wrong… but sometimes we keep fighting it, I don’t know why. I felt his non commitment to our relationship bit by bit, but I did not know what it was. I took his words literally, that he is not ready to commit, that he has financial issues that make him unstable and that he does want to be fully prepared to be in a relationship with me. Above all he asked me to give him TIME to decide what he wants.
Today, my dear ladies, he finally spelled it out… although he clearly felt pretty pathetic. When things started being bizarre between us it seems that miraculously he also started MISSING his ex. He felt that he was doing me wrong and preferred to call it off with me before this gets too painful. For me, obviously. To him our separation must have been easier, I was not something he’s afraid to lose but his ex was. About that intuition thing: the thought that all this backing off from him had something to do with another woman crossed my mind all the time. But I trusted him to be open with me since I have given him space to open up from the very beginning of our friendship. That was so foolish of me.

miss_sunshine said...


Now, what do I make of it?! I am somehow moving on from this situation, yet I cannot be fully freed while I see him every single f day. He tells me he doesn’t want me to completely disappear from his life, but he understands me. How wild is that?!?! Are men this stupid sometimes??? I laughed at him literally today… can he not see that it’s unbelievable to have the man that wanted you so badly grow very still over night and ask you to just settle in with the new configuration (him and his delightful return to a lost love) and try to just be his funny little friend again. I am going nuts over here, that’s for sure. I find it almost killing to have to go to that damn office. I play it cool at work and not show how hurt I truly am, but it’s exhausting me. Even today, I was so above the whole situation and briefly stated to him that I don’t need explanations or understanding from anyone. I need love, stability and respect. I don’t need to be lied to or protected from the truth. He should have told me from the beginning that he was not over his ex and we would have saved each other a lot of time and nerves. And shouldn’t have entered a relationship with another girl that he knew wanted a stable thing and not wishy washy stuff. But I cannot take it any longer. I am building myself up again, I am moving on and I am not letting this make a too big hole in my heart… but how the hell can he imagine that I am going to sit around and be his friend?! I asked him that too and he told me he cannot imagine being strangers with me. What??? That’s hilarious, right? I mean we are nothing but strangers since I felt like giving you my soul and you felt like giving me nothing. There is no true connection and it must have never been.

Please tell me that I am making at least some sense with this. I am raging with anger deep inside and I felt like spilling it all out of me. I know I’ll be better in a couple of hours :D, I am usually a true phoenix bird. But I cannot understand such things. That’s ignorance if you ask me. You don’t play with anyone’s feelings like this.

Thanks again for listening up. It really helps!

Ps: I have read so many things about the Taurus man and some things do apply. Their need for stability and their hot and cold attitude, their having trouble letting go of someone they worked hard for, their sensuality , yada yada… today I cannot see if it matters altogether!

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

No, you didn't mess up. Just play it cool and see what he has in store for you. .

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Miss Sunshine,
Well . . I know you probably don't see it this way, but backing off, giving him space and initiating no contact - it worked and drew him right to you. In this case, it wasn't for a reconciliation, but it did bring you answers and closure in a sense - truth (and the admission of guilt on his part). So this is actually a good thing.

And you watch . . that relationship he went back to, yea it'll probably be over in about two months - and he'll be right back again. THIS is why he wants to remain FRIENDS. He doesn't want to burn his bridges with you because he KNOWS there's a damn good chance that won't work. I mean let's face it, people become exes for a reason, and nine times out of ten, those reasons don't just disappear - they'll surface again. So be prepared for that.

All I can really say here at this point is that this was a lesson of sorts (as most of our mistakes in life are) so it's actually a good thing as well. The thing to take away from this experience, is about ACTIONS.

You see, men will always TELL you what you want to hear to get their way - always. As a woman, it's up to us to seperate that out from reality. Meaning, as a woman, it's up to you to look out for yourself, no one else will, and seperate the crap from what's real. Talk is cheap, it's crap. What's real is actions. So when you have a guy come on strong, saying all the right things and motoring a new relationship along at the speed of light - it's actually a red flag, gals. It's the ole "sweep her off her feet" method, where they lift you way up . . and then drop you on your ass. If men are talking like that and then disappearing or acting strange or not respecting you or being shady in any manner - big red flag because their actions are not in line with their words.

Never pay attention to words. It's the actions that tell the true story. He was doing an aweful lot of talking, but his actions were indicating that he was investing very little. That's why it's important that a woman not give more up front than the man is giving and to not tolerate mediocre treatment when she really deserves top notch treatment. Because women tend to invest a lot up front, immediately, and without receiving anything of equal proportion back from the man. Mirroring a man's behavior in the beginning is crucial, to avoid that. If he's giving a 20% investment, a woman should not respond with a 90% investment in return. If women can begin to comprehend that concept and hone their skills of intuition to better read a man and his investments, then she can remain equal in the relationship and only invest as much as he is - she'll always know where she stands and how serious (or not) the relationship really is. These things always end up hurting the woman MUCH more than the man because the woman has made such a huge investment (emotionally) while the man has made a very small one (that he can easily walk away from).

It sux, I know, and you have a right to be angry because he played on your emotions here. But don't dwell on that. Dwell on the valuable lesson you learned here and move forward with that knowledge and conduct yourself accordingly with it in the next relationship and you'll see . . you WILL find happiness going that route.

This didn't work because he wasn't the one. But this situation is preparing you, making you a better person, making you grow in positive ways - so that when the one does come along - you're ready for him :-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you. I feel alot better now after being married for almost 28 years I'm a bit rusty at this My friends keep telling me that I should hunt him down but it's not in my nature to do that (plus I respect myself enough not to lower myself to beg any man for His attention) I think I will stick to your advice thank you again

Anonymous said...

You haven't got the slightest clue what your talking about and the majority of this BS can be applied to some women just the same as some men. You are a sexist, and you have no clue what your talking about. You sdaid:

"And the last thing on earth you want to date is an insecure guy who is a player"

< thats the best evidence right there, not only is that a contradictory statement but its the most shallow hypocritical nonsenses I have ever herd! a women who is so superficial she need some over confidant ass whole who is willing to sacrifice him self for her, does not deserve a good man! As well good men, deserve better then a superficial girl like that. It's time to stop blaming men and blame your selves, men have always done all the work, while when do nothing in the dating life but focus on their own beauty.. why don you women start coming up with the creative lines and messages? Why dont you women star buying us drinks and taking us home? why dont you women start compliment our good looks? why dont you women stick out your head at the chopping block and risk your head getting hopped of the way you chop off heads of if we dont do everything particularly to suite you! why don't you wake up and smell the roses that you are a bunch of hypocrites!!!!

Anonymous said...

You are ally hypocritical sexists. women today are misandrists! you hate men and you try to keep them down!

You stereotype men and then get angry when they stereotype you, you hypocrite. This is why men dont care to have serious relationships with you, its just not worth it. I have never met a super hot model chick in my life that was looking for serious relationship.

One you you foolish females said this:

"You see, men will always TELL you what you want to hear to get their way"

First of all that is a load of crap you stupid bitch, second of all if and when a man would do such a thing, how about you ask yourself an important question: Why?????????!!!!!! You women always look at what we men do, you bitch, then come up with some bullshit explanation on to how it is our fault, and how you women can try to control us to make it better. If a person just tells you what you want to hear 9-10 of then its because your a fucking crazy bitch, but you will never admit it, and its just easier that way for them. lol That not always an exaggeration, but some time it not because your crazy, but seemly unable to handle the truth. If you want people to be honest with you 50% of the time its not something they need to work on, but something you need to work on so they feel comfortable doing so. If some one doesn't feel comfortable telling you the way it is, then it not usually their fault its yours or some one who came before you that made them feel that way. If you dont take that into consideration then you just as much of a bitch as the last women who made them feel uncomfortable telling the truth.

Anonymous said...

The Reality: People place a HIGH value on something they have to work to acquire.

Nope not me! From my experience with high maintenance come: hypocrisy, double standards, drama, insanity, bitchiness and more work then it is ever worth.

If you think you are worth more work then you are, then good luck... better stoup taking your birth control and just snag a guy, no one int heir right mind woudl settle for your hypocritical self.

If I have to work too hard for it, then i can usually tell i will me miserable once i get it.

miss_sunshine said...

indeed words can be very misleading... hopefully i'm learning this essential lesson. funny thing is I've been in a few relationships and still I feel I'm foolish when a "knight" comes along.

however, I get you here, mirror. even if it looked very bad when it hit me, what happened is basically all for the best. I needed this clarification and I know now how we stand. he may wish to keep me close, because that is what some men do-leave their options open, but he clearly knows I am not to be fooled with. I've burned myself out on his a$$ once and don't intend to make a habit of it :):):)

somehow, it's been a real help to have such an objective option from you and i thank you for it. i must admit you have such a direct approach that clarifies things instantly. and they do apply. it feels good to know that I am on the right path with all my womanish attempts to make my way into a man's heart.

As you said in the other article with the aftermath... I feel I only came out with a small dent in my armor. no mud and no shaken self esteem. I cared about him and felt he deserved it, the loss is his. I have won some important things and that's the best of it. :)

so keep those armors intact girls and see you around.

Anonymous said...

I find myself coming back onto this site when I'm in need of some good advice haha. It's been about 2 weeks since my last post on here. My last post was about me confronting the guy and having to deal with moving on and so far it hasn't been easy. He contacts me at least once or twice a day ever since the confrontation. And I know you told me that it was because he was feeling guilty, but how am I possibly suppose to move on when I keep seeing his txts on my phone and his messages on facebook? A friend threw a house party last night and surprisingly he was there with his guy friends. It was the first time I've seen him since, who knows how long, but you can imagine how awkward it was (for me). He ended up coming up to me and asked me why I was acting this way towards him. He told me he knew I had received his txts/messages and he simply doesn't understand why I was ignoring him ever since I confronted him and he told me how he felt. I told him that he should KNOW why I was behaving this way and he got upset at me. *Laughs. The whole night I could feel him eyeing me every time I was with or talking to another guy but I didn't mind. I even went up to him and asked him if he could stop staring at me and his guys overheard and were making fun of him. He had nothing to say because he knows he was staring! He then told me that he was just looking out for me that night. You can see why I'm still left in confusion ... I mean, if he doesn't see me in that kind of way, why does he still care to watch over me?!

The party ended up getting busted so everyone left the place and went their own seperate ways. My friends and I left to another friends house to just chill and he txts me asking me where I went and then calls me asking me where I was and if I was safe. I told him that I was at my friends place and he said for me to give him the address and offered to come pick me up. -_- Secretly, yes, I wanted him to come but I knew I had to say no. When I refused, he told me that it would've been safer for me, if I had just left with him and his guys and he told me that he was willing to pick me up, wherever I was. I told him that I was just going to walk home because my house was near the friends place anyway and even though he was against me walking home, he told me that I had to stay on the phone with him till I found my way back. So my question is ... why is he acting like he cares all of a sudden? Last night we slightly touched on the subject of putting ourselves in each others shoes. He told me that I make being in a relationship with him sound so easy and the reason why he was looking out for me that night isn't just cause he wanted to be a good friend but it was because of something else. URGHHH HELP!!

Anonymous said...

This made for quite an interesting read! I'm excited to put these tactics to use.

I recently confessed to a guy that I have a crush on him. He took it pretty well (what a relief!), but also made it clear that he wasn't in the position to start anything with anyone since he just got out of a relationship. I was understanding about it, and we ended up talking via IM and texting the rest of the night.

What confuses me is the fact that he was flirting with me the entire time we talked (or texted, rather), but I haven't received a single text from him since then. Guilty as charged, I sent him 2 texts over the time span of five days. I don't plan on sending anything else until he replies again.

Will he reply again, or is he already long gone? Is he trying to get me to think about him nonstop, or does he just need space/ time to heal? Due to the lack of response from him, I'm worried I blew my chances at ever having anything serious with him in the future.

Anonymous said...

Aquarius sun, Aries rising here...update...so I went to the office thing and I saw the guy and stayed away. He did approached me a few times during the eveing, his daughter and ex-wife part of the shindig (I actually met them first before meeting him) so maybe this kept him in check? He doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt, I know. Without asking, he told me about how busy his week was, I played it chill. He inquired about my week, how my exams went. He also asked if I had plans during my break. I said that I had a few things planned, remaining illusive, and certainly not making things super easy for him. I held my ground and clearly, he's not interested in me because a guy who is would have taken the opportunity to make an offer. Ugh. Let it go, I know. He didn't even say "Hey, you look great!" Whereas everyone else did. Why did he have to pursue me? He initiated, he called me, and was very consistent up until the "maybe" shit. There were no lines crossed in this exchange, but I will be seeing him for some time, around town and at work. Gotta tattoo this on my arm: don't settle for mediocre- be your badass self and move on...I did nothing wrong. Remember I'm worth a hell of a lot.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@The Anonymous Angry Men (Man),

Well, well . . it appears we've had two male visitors (or one leaving numerous comments) that are quite angry with what they've read here.

Ya' know, I honestly tried to read and understand your points but I really couldn't see them as they just don't make sense to me.

First of all, you said this can be applied to women just as well as men. Well of course it can, where do you think we're learning all of this from, LOL? Second, lots of this is basic psychological human behavior (common sense) - and psychological behavior knows no gender.

You said:

"And the last thing on earth you want to date is an insecure guy who is a player"

Thats the best evidence right there, not only is that a contradictory statement but its the most shallow hypocritical nonsenses I have ever herd! a women who is so superficial she need some over confidant ass whole who is willing to sacrifice him self for her, does not deserve a good man!"

I can't even make sense of that statement. Players are indeed insecure, which is why they overcompensate with extreme macho behavior that objectifies women. If you think a player is going to sacrifice himself for a woman, no disrespect, but you must be living on another planet. A player will NEVER sacrifice himself for a woman - he'll simply use her and spit her out when he's finished. And how is that statement shallow or hypocritical? Do YOU want to date an insecure WOMAN who is a player? No one, male or female, really wants to date anyone that's insecure. But if you'd like to, then hey, that's your choice. And I believe that everyone deserves someone that'll be good to them, male or female.

Next you said:

"It's time to stop blaming men and blame yourselves."

This article isn't about blame, it's about reality. I guess you missed all the articles I linked to at the very end of the piece, WRITTEN BY MEN, about how to game a woman and manipulate her into liking you - by ignoring her. Why don't you go to those sites and rail on the men who wrote those pieces? And I guess you also missed the portions of the article that acknowledge that women are partially to blame for the disappearing act because they're too emotional at times, communicate too much, and can scare men off with this behavior.

Next you said this:

"you hate men and you try to keep them down!"

That's a good one - women keeping men down?? Yea, right, whatever. This is a man's world we live in. What portion of it contains men being kept down by women? That's hysterical. I don't hate men, I love men - true GENTLEMEN. I despise assholes and punks. There's a big difference between a gentlemen and a bunch of moronic punks.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Continued . .

Next you continue with:

"You see, men will always TELL you what you want to hear to get their way"

First of all that is a load of crap you stupid bitch, second of all if and when a man would do such a thing, how about you ask yourself an important question: Why?????????!!!!!! You women always look at what we men do, you bitch, then come up with some bullshit explanation on to how it is our fault, and how you women can try to control us to make it better."

Umm, Why do men lie to women? To get laid, of course. And if you think that's a load of crap and men don't lie to women to get laid, then you really must be from Mars. This article IS NOT about controlling men. It's for wOMEN to learn how to control THEMSELVES and their emotions, regardless of the shit treatment they're receiving from a man.

And this is great, one of my favorites:

"If you want people to be honest with you 50% of the time its not something they need to work on, but something you need to work on so they feel comfortable doing so."

LOL! So it's a woman's fault if the guy is a liar, huh? That's royal. If you feel more comfortable lieing to someone as oppossed to being honest with them, that's YOU'RE problem, not the womans. Maybe you should just learn to get comfortable telling the truth, regardless of the outcome, and man up.

And then there's this little gem:

"The Reality: People place a HIGH value on something they have to work to acquire.

Nope not me! From my experience with high maintenance come: hypocrisy, double standards, drama, insanity, bitchiness and more work then it is ever worth."

You don't value things you have to work for, huh? So what do you value then? Only the things that come easy and that you don't have to put one ounce of energy into? LOL, that's a fantastic admission! (BTW, that's basic psychological human behavior, which is why it's used in our economy by manufacturers and retailers. It's called the "economic scarcity concept." Look it up. The concept of scarcity is essential to the field of economics because it plays into that very basic, well known psychological fact.) And just an FYI . . there's a difference between "acquiring" something and "maintaining" it. If you think that working hard to acquire a woman equals a high maintenance woman - you got it all wrong. A high maintenance woman is a woman who requires a lot to "maintain" the relationship - not to acquire it. A high maintenance woman requires a lot from a man over the entire course of the relationship - not just the courtship period. You're mixing apples and oranges there.

And this is just beautiful:

"If I have to work too hard for it, then i can usually tell i will me miserable once i get it."

Clearly, you're a guy who doesn't want to lift a finger for anything. That's called "entitled." You feel entitled to a lot but you're not williing to invest anything into getting it. So I guess if you have to work hard to be the CEO of a company or to graduate from college or to save up for that new iPhone, you're going to be miserable once you've done so? That's hysterical.

You're exactly the type of men (man) this article is written about. Good luck in life. . . trying to get EVERYTHING without investing ANYTHING into it. Let me know how that works out for ya.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sept. 15th, 9:04pm,
Well, it could be that you pulling away and initiating no contact made him think. Maybe it made him see that he was indeed treating you poorly.

If you'd like to slowly let him back into your life and give it a go, feel free to do so. Just remember to mirror his actions along the way. If he begins to ignore you again, you do the same and go MIA again. If he begins to disrespect you, you don't settle, you leave him behind and move forward.

Just take it one step at a time and as long as he's treating you respectfully, you move forward with him. If he begins to do the opposite, you pull back is all.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Anonymous Sept. 15th 11:44pm,
No, you didn't blow it. Just pull back, keep your cool and be patient is all. Don't contact him anymore, let him take a step towards you now. I bet he'll be back (most of them always come back ;-)

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Aquarius Sun, Aries Rising,
Don't assume he isn't interested, things could change on a dime. Give him time to process some of this. You're going to be seeing him from time to time and if you remain composed and collected each time, he may come to admire that about you.

If he doesn't, he's just an entitled man (like our male commenters here this weekend) who doesn't want to invest anything into receiving anything is all. And you don't want to date a man like that anyways, so good riddens. He's obviously interested on some level as he's the one who did the pursuing.

But as you can see, from our male commenters here this weekend, some men really do just feel entitled. And they become extremely resentful and hateful towards women that don't permit themselves to be used. So time will tell if he's one of those types of men or not. Play it cool until he reveals himself.

Either way, you're doing the right thing here and looking out for yourself. And you are worth it and you do deserve more. Those men that commented here this weekend, they don't think any woman who values herself deserves anything more. They think that just because a woman wants to be treated with respect, she's somehow a bitch. (Or a stupid bitch as they called me.)

I think everyone, male and female, deserves respectful treatment. It's the very least someone can do for you in any relationship, whether it be work related, a romantic relationship, a friendship, etc. All require respect and expecting that doesn't make you a bitch - it makes you a woman who respects HERSELF is all.

Continue on this path of self respect and you will find happiness. Disrespect yourself or permit others to do so, and you could end up settling for a man like the ignorant, disrespectful men that showed up here this weekend in the comments . . those guys couldn't even COMMENT respectfully and give their opinions as adults as they immediately took to calling me ignorant names like "stupid bitch." Then they have the gall to call ME a man hater when clearly, their hatred of women is spewing from every pore in their body as they had to immediately refer to me as a stupid bitch. You don't see me here being disrespectful towards men and calling them nasty, cursing names. Some men are so ignorant towards women, especially ones with opinions of their own that they can't control, that they can't help but reveal themselves in time for what they truly are, as you can see.

No one would want to spend any length of time with men like that (and women probably don't, which is why that crew is so damn angry) who are entitled, ignorant and expect everything to come easy for them.

Now that doesn't mean a woman should expect the world from a man - but she DEFINITELY should, at the very least, expect to be treated with respect by one.

Anonymous said...

Pisces woman hrer. Well for the two angry men you would'want to call our dear friend a stupit bitch bcuz she is a woman just like ur moma so think befor u say things that could hurt to the bone . But as for her and other woman on this post we have our eyes open to the little minded males like u. Sorry can't call u a real man cuz real men call ladys QUEENS take notes.So if moma is not a stupit bitch NO woman should b no matter how mad u may b with her

Anonymous said...

Mirror, you need to write something about online dating, please! xx Aqua/Sag

Anonymous said...

I loved this! Helped me feel do much better. I made every mistake I think. I actually sent him a text thanking him for being a douchebag sooner rather than later right before I read this an I thought, oh man I guess I definately blew it!! A day later I got an answer from him saying " ok you got that out, now let me apologize for not getting back to you and being really busy". I don't know what to do! So far I've ignored him...

Anonymous said...

Anonymous Capricorn from 09/13 here....

So, he texted me a little last week. Although I didn't wait a whole week, I did wait a day and half to get back to him. Small talk...kept it simple. He did ask how me and the baby were doing. Then the weekend came and nothing from him, nothing from me. Yesterday I texted him to ask about his weekend (sorry but this was my make-it or break-it; if he didn't respond I was going to be done with it...for real). It took him a while but he responded.

We started texting about small things. Asked how the baby was again. Then, asked if I missed him, then followed with a text about his new phone. I ignored his question and carried on about phones. He asked again. I said, "yes n no" then asked if he missed me. He said he did...a lot.

He then said, "miss me but not the asshole part". I said, "Yeah, but you're not all asshole, I saw some good in you". And I know you said not to bring up a "talk" but I needed some clarification on some things. I asked him, "So do you just miss the sex with me?" Remember I had mentioned that the sexual chemistry between us is unlike no other and I know it was as good to him as it was for me (not bragging). But, I don't know if that was his sole reason for coming back or if it was because he has bonified feelings for me??

He said, "No, it's awesome. Never had anything like it before..ur a wonderful person totally" So I had to ask, "Is that why you treated me so wonderfully?" He asked if I was being sarcastic, Duh. He then said it was a combo of my insecurity, his frustration with it, him being an asshole about it, and it was also his defense mechanism. Then said, "IDK, I thought you'd be done with me" Ughhhhh.....is that why I texted you all those times???

I then had to clarify, "So, you would be perfectly fine in letting me go...for good, right?" He said "No, I'm txting you now cuz I know I can't" I said that I'm at the point to just cut my loses and throw in the towel, but....something keeps pulling me back. Stupidity? Perhaps??

I kinda wish I didn't say so much but it's the 100% truth. If it were any other guy, I would have been gone a long time ago but I really feel for this guy. I told him I did not like being taken for granted. Also, told him I feel like (with him ignoring me) he felt like he could treat me however...here I was apologizing, pouring my heart out to him and it was like he didn't care. Told him it hurt. Said I thought "we were more than that but I guess the feeling was just one way".

He then said no it wasn't, that he loved me but got scared, his assholiness was a defense mechanism, plus my insecurity bumped it to def-con 4. I said, "Another def-con 4 will be the death of us". BTW: I had to Google def-con 4: strengethen secrurity measures...ha guys...

Here's the thing: I don't know how to relax and let go. I feel insecure that he's going to pull this again and if he does, I'm not playing anymore. For my sanity sake, I have to be done with it. He has no idea how bad he hurt me. He knows he hurt me, but not to the extent that he did. But, like you said, I'm not going to bring it up again and continue to talk about it. He is no longer going to be the center of my universe as he was before. He is going to have to work to fit into MY schedule, not the other way around. It's going to take a while before I have trust that this is going to work. What sux is, I know the work is going to fall on me....any advice??

Anonymous said...

I have a good friend of 12 years. He plays in a band frequenting the town I live in. We've always been very good friends, nothing more. He moved away 4 years ago, and we lost touch. recently he moved back and took up playing in the band again and we picked up where we left off years ago. I gave him my number, and he replied kindly all he had was a home phone. He has never had a cell phone, and never would because of the fact that people run around like mindless zombies with them. Honestly he does not have one. He gave me an e-mail. We kept in touch every day. We talked about our battle wounds from relationships, work, everything we missed over the 4 years he was gone. Things were great. We talked about where he was living, and he invited me to visit him in his home town (600 miles away) and helped me plan the trip, telling me he would show me the sites since I had never been there. One night after talking and months of catching up we ended up sleeping together. After this I told him I did not feel chemistry, and he replied in kind. Our friendship became awkward and weird. I unfortunately was the aggressive female and wanted to talk things over and find out why he was so distant after we had discussed things. Out of nowhere he told me to eff off, he was tired of my endless psycho babble. I was shocked and hurt. I was blind sighted. After months of not seeing each other, his band returned to the town I live in. He became ignorant, and avoided me at all costs. A few months of ignorance(no e-mail replies, avoiding me while he was in town)and I had enough. I approached him, and he acted as if nothing happened. He complimented my hair, talked about both of our careers, and even noticed my new glasses and told me he liked them. We talked as if nothing ever happened. When I left he gave me a huge hug and said "he was very glad we got a chance to talk" then stood there hugging me for a while not saying anything. He then asked if he would see me later because they were in town for 2 weeks. I replied yes considering the band was playing where I work. A few times I came to talk to him, and visa versa, but we never spent more than 10 minutes talking each time. Each time he would talk to me, he would act interested in the conversation, body language.. facing me, looking me in the eye.. laughing, slight touches on the arm and back etc.. however after 10 minutes of talking each time, he would start to tilt away or get up to leave in the middle of our talks, each time stating "it was good talking to you" sometimes followed by a hug sometimes not. At either rate, it was like he was so quick to get away, you would think he was running from the plague. Things feel awkward. Neither of us mentioned the argument the whole time he was here. He never apologized, and I'm not sure if I owe him one. I went to see the final show. He came to talk to me before he left, however, I was met with awkwardness. Not a hug,a handshake, nothing. He talked to me about the trip to his home town. Told me sites to see, told me to be very careful on the drive, telling me about steep turns and not to be distracted because of the dangers on the road I am taking, as if he were very concerned about my welfare. He even went as far as telling me a few people I should go to see (his friends) and told me he would inform them I'd be there, but never mentioned showing me around, meeting up, nothing. The trip he helped me plan is next week. I asked him about showing me around, and he said let me check my schedule come see me where I'm playing. I'm going alone, and am unsure of what is to happen or what I should do. I want to retain our friendship, however, I'm unsure of what to do or say. I feel our past argument is just that, in the past. However, the awkwardness he is projecting is hurtful. One minute things are fine, the next, it's as if he is scared of me, or trying to avoid something. I don't know if I should bring it up or even how to. Please help me.

Anonymous said...

BTW..i just posted about the guy in the band..He is a sag, I am a pisces..

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@Pisces w/Sag Band Member,
Well . . he's a Sag. Maybe you should read this post:


Saggies are mavericks that don't like to be tied to anything - at all. If I were you, I'd cancel this trip. He invited you and then has the gall to have to "check his schedule" to see if he can meet up with you when you get there? What an ass. I wouldn't give him the time of day after pulling that little stunt on me, regardless of any words exchanged in the interim. Nor would I give him the satisfaction of seeing me make that trip only to permit him to shove me to the sidelines during it. No way would I give a guy that kind of satisfaction.

I'd cancel this trip and disappear. What a jag. My only other option would be to take the trip and bring another man along. One that's willing to spend time with me, enjoy the sites with me and spend time with me.

Short of that, I'd kick this one to the curb. If he's too emtionally challenged and immature to discuss what happened and set it aside or doesn't care to fix it, then why bother. And why bother to retain a friendship with someone that isn't bothering to do the same in return? Relationships work both ways - or they don't work at all.

He's acting like a baby. I think he was jilted that sex with him didn't make you fall in love with him (he's in a band and is most likely used to women fawning all over him). It bruised his inflated ego and so now, to save face, he's acting like he's the one that wasn't into you and he's pushing you away.

It's very childish. If he truly were in agreement that there wasn't any chemistry, he wouldn't be acting like a baby about it. So it's obvious he feels jilted because you're not worshipping him and chasing him around.

Do NOT take this trip and feed into this little game - or if you do, you take another man with you to watch out for you and spend time with you. Forget this guy, he's full of himself and if you don't feed into it and help him inflate his ego by stroking it constantly, he's always going to act like a child about it.

Either way, don't go alone. In his head, he'll fantasize that you're there to chase him down and that you really did like him and now, you're purusing him. Saggies live in a dream world in their head and fantasize alot. Not about sexual stuff necessarily . . it's more their own personal fantasy. They tend to see themselves as "larger than life" characters that everyone admires. If you go alone, that's EXACTLY what he's going to think. Especially if you attempt to spend time with him or get in touch with him on that trip. He'll be like, "I knew it. She wants me." That's what he'll tell himself because his ego won't let him think otherwise.

So either don't go - or go with another man to prove your point (that you're over it and okay with being friends).

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

As an aside to all the women here,
I currently have a guy I dated back in May playing a little game with me right now. I think some of the more insecure guys like to toy with the thought that they can get a woman to pursue them by feigning indifference (much like the Saggie above is doing, which is why I'm sharing this.)

This one's an Aries (of course, LOL) and in May, I disappeared on him and went MIA because he was being selfish, rude and ignorant. Twice since, he's text me to inquire about how I'm doing (I have never, nor will I ever, reach out to him first).

When he does get a response from me, suddenly, he no longer has anything to say. It takes him hours to text a stupid two or three word reply, one that barely even makes sense or applies to his original text or my response - and HE'S the one contacting ME.

It's so stupid, I see right through it. It's so stupid, his responses are so weird and off topic, that I actually considered he may be doing drugs or something that's how strange it is.

If he didn't want anything to do with me, he wouldn't bother texting. If he didn't think about me, he wouldn't bother contacting me. If he didn't care how I was doing, he wouldn't ask. Yet, when he gets a response, he suddenly could care less and has nothing to say.

He's obviously upset he was dumped and that his mind games didn't work on me. So he circles back around and contacts me so that when I do respond - HE CAN BE THE ONE TO BLOW ME OFF.

It's so stupid because everytime he does this, when I do finally respond and it takes hours for him to reply with two or three words that are unrelated and don't make sense, I don't answer back and go MIA all over again.

It must make him (and his bruised ego) feel better to circle around, get my attention, then try to upset me. (It never does, I could care less, I see right through it. I find it all very humorous and laugh at him each time he does this.)

But my point here is this: Don't fall for this little game, ladies.

Continued below . . .

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Continued . . .

This one admitted to me a long time ago that he has low self-esteem (and it shows). He actually rated himself a 4 on a scale of 1 to 10 - yes, he rates women via the number system, too, ugh. He told me, "I'm a 4. If I can get a woman like you to date me, you could raise my stock up to a 9." WTF??!! (Yes, he actually SAID this - out loud.)

Meaning, if other women saw me with him, they'd think more of him and he'd increase his chances of dating a higher caliber of women by dating me! Playing on women and their competitive nature with one another, he was signaling that he instinctively knows that if another woman sees a good looking woman with an average man (his words and opinion of himself, not MINE), she'll be more apt to give that man a chance because she'll want to see what the other woman sees in him.

Translation: Use me to get lots of good looking women to chase him around.

And he admitted this! He must've thought I was a real dumbass. OMG, I couldn't even believe he openly admitted to that manipulation trick - but yes, he did, ladies.

He also signaled himself as a player by saying one day, "Don't let my bad boy ways scare you off." (HUH??? I had to laugh inside at that one because he didn't appear as a bad boy to me at all. He was a small town country boy with a chopper and a big truck and in his mind, he fantasized that that somehow elevated him to bad boy status, LOL.) The reality was that he was a small town country with low self-esteem (his words, not mine) that has to resort to manipulating women to actually get them to give him the time of day. (All his own admissions, not mine.)

He also signaled he was a player when he openly declared he "helps his buddies get women." The translation of that statement amounts to this - "I help my buddies play games with women so they'll chase them." Meaning, he instructs his buddies on how to play mind games with women, to act aloof or like they're "too cool for school" so that the woman begins to feel insecure, like there's something wrong with her or that she's not good enough, so the woman will chase the guy to get his attention back again.

Don't fall for it. It's a game that the insecure guys (the players) play. And a laughable one at that.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

So in the end, I deemed him a "game" player - and not a true "mack" LOL ;-)

(Mack the Knife, Frank Sinatra, Video: http://youtu.be/82kJH69HnHA)

Anonymous said...

Pisces W/sag band member
Thank you for your insight, and prompt response. Believe me I have tried both alternatives. Cancelling is not going to happen or I am out all the money I put into it, plus wasted vacation at work. Next TRIED to get someone to go, and to no avail. As far as the let me check my schedule thing, yes he is working, so I understand that, but yes he is an ass for acting the way he is. The trip was planned to go see him working. I guess I should have been more clear on that part with my earlier post. Now my only options are to go and be scarce the whole time, confront him, or try to pick up some random guy while I am there. I hate going solo for the fact that it may look like the opposite. But at the same time, I'm enough of a woman to go enjoy myself without anyone with me. I do want to know why he acting the way he is, but am afraid mention of it will make things worse. Believe me, I have plenty of choice words I could use. I want answers and I hate to see a friendship of so many years end up destroyed. You are right though. It works both ways.

Anonymous said...

Pisces with sag band member.
i do have to say I read your post. I have to say honestly for 11 1/2 years he was an enlightened progressed sag most of the time...However, this past 6 months the new side to him fits in the dark side of sag.

Mind Bender said...

Hi everyone. This is a great article. I could use some advice. I've been seeing a guy for the past few months...and it has mostly been good. He usually texts me a lot. But since last Thursday, he has been really distant...like I'm always the one to initiate the texts, and he goes long periods of time without replying. Today I asked him why he has been ignoring me, and he said that he's just been "really busy and a lot has been going on." So I asked him what has been going on and he didn't even reply. Does the "busy" excuse just mean he doesn't care anymore about me? How long should I ignore him for? How can I resist the urge to text him?

Anonymous said...

You have no idea how much strength I get from reading through these posts. Ugh, men...you can't live with them and you can't shoot them either! Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. Did I forget to mention that MIA is also a Sag and that he is a recovering alcoholic? I've known Sag for a few months as a fellow volunteer-- eye candy but nothing else until last month when he decided (fantasized?) that he wanted to get to know me better outside of the office. We'd talked a few times, each time he seemed more attentive and surprised me with all the details he remembered. I was in my own little world, paid no attention until those first emails, phone calls, and text messages. Things were consistent and then he treated me like an option. Sirens went off and I said "no." Yay me. A few days have passed since the Saturday office thing. I followed your advice about staying cool. Stii disappointed but sparked into action to do some "duty dating" to get my mind off of Sag. Never came across a Sag male, although maybe there are just a few types of men? the entitled jackasses that were here a few days ago versus the clueless boys versus the men who actually want a companion? Who knows. I've mostly attracted Libras and Leos, although I was engaged to a Taurus--I broke it off and good thing too. Anyhow---will keep reading, as it reminds me to NOT REACH OUT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Listen to Mirror ladies, mirror his shitty behavior--until the guy has a decent offer to consider--forget about it!

Aquarius Sun, Aries Rising,

Anonymous said...

Wow!! What amazing reading! Oh mirror Aphrodite how wise you are! If only I could be inspired by all of this. My situation is not unique to many, but is very unique to me. My Taurus disappeared in May. Tomorrow makes it 4 months to the day. I won't bore you all the details, but we were together for a year. Not your standard relationship, I realize now, but none the less, texting every day-all day, seeing each other on occasion and speaking sweet nothing's. The first disappearing act was 9 months in and it was for 5 days. It so happened to conveniently be on Valentines day. The second disappearing act was right after the first one but of course a family member passed away. Funny, in our one year time of knowing each other he had a best friend die, a cousin die and an aunt die. Poor thing!

Anonymous said...

To shorten this story, I received a text in May and I responded to it. I never heard from him again. At first I thought it was his job again. Law enforcement etc... But after 2 phone calls and 3 text messages (yes I went there!) I realized he was ignoring me. I sent an email letting him know how he made me feel ( very classy and polite email actually) that was in June. I nev reached out again nor has he. 4 months tomorrow and I hate to admit this but I am consumed with the why? How? Why me? Whyyyyy? Obsessed is a good word! I have tried to date but can't stomach anyone. I just want to be alone. I thought we were friends. The words he shared and the things he would say to me make this so hard to swallow. I knew something wasn't right but I didn't listen to my gut. I stayed. I want this to go away but at the same time want to hear from him

Anonymous said...

I have lost touch with myself and feel,like I have turned into this bitter, angry woman that I don't like. How can people behave like this? I also have fear that what if this stubborn, selfish and egotistical player really never reaches out to me again? I will never know why.....I just want the hurt to go away. I don't know if I was in love, but I do know that I am stunned by someone behaving in such a cruel and cowardly manner, especially when he always said he would be honest. This feeling sucks!! Help!

Anonymous said...

I'm soooooo confused with this guy. I've been doing exactly what you've been saying ... to mirror his behavior and I've also considered slowly letting him back into my life but I feel like this guy is just so confusing to understand. Maybe he's still toying with my emotions? Idk. He wrote to me saying that it was good to see me again and why I'm being such a stranger. He acts like nothing's happend and everything's okay .. calling me out like I'm the bad one?? I wrote back to him and told him to figure it out .. he then writes back saying that, "I've gotten kinda mean now." Lol. I literally laughed. Am I being the mean one here? I continue to ignore this txts/messages and give him the cold shoulder because I feel like he hasn't completely learned his lesson yet. I openly told him how I felt about him and he rejected me but ever since then, he's been trying to get my attention. He gets upset that I ignore him and the fact that I'm acting like a, "stranger" and doesn't understand why I'm suddenly keeping the distance. UHM WHY DO YOU THINK?! Urgh. Help me please Mirror of Aphrodite. Do you think he's just playing around and trying to pull the guilt trip again? This guy needs to learn his lesson ..

Anonymous said...


Keep in mind, he's an Aries and I'm an Aquarius.

Anonymous said...

He did come back to me after a couple of days and since then has been hot/cold on contact , so i am totally backing off he has my number at the end of the day :)

This thread has awesome advice.

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

Well, his behavior is a bit more understandable if you're familiar with the sign of Aries. Have you read this post here:


Aries love attention, they thrive on it. When you yank it away from them, they don't understand it (because they'e so wonderful, how could you not want to speak to them, LOL). So you have to be somewhat careful because it could just be about ego - about wanting attention and the spotlight on himself again.

This stuff does work and it's working on him already. Notice HE'S the one thinking about YOU now? He's upset your ignorning him, he's upset you're acting like a stranger and he's wondering why you're keeping your distance. He's doing the thinking now, not you. And don't worry about explaining yourself, he knows full well why you're upset and he's playing dumb.

Just be careful with him because like I said, it could be about his ego and nothing more. Meaning, he'll fight like hell to get your attention again, and then once he has it, he could reject you and disappear all over again. Some men do this just to prove to themselves that they can. When a guy needs to prove something to himself like that, he's revealing that he's secretly insecure. He'll simply want to prove to himself that he can get your attention on him and then he may bolt again.

I'd say stand strong and continue doing what you're doing. If he really likes you, at some point, he'll stop playing dumb, get real, and talk it out with you. If not, he may be too emotionally immature to do so.

Either way, he made his choice. He rejected your offer. Until he tells you he's made a mistake or feels differently, I'd stay away and keep my distance because an Aries might take to toying with you. Don't give him the opportunity to hurt you again and don't give your attention to a man who doesn't deserve it. Focus it elsewhere on one who appreciates it.

Anonymous said...

Im an aquarius female, my aries boyfriend just broke up with me and after a couple weeks is telling me he is talking to somebody else. I keep calling and texting him because I miss him. He doesnt respond, he told me to move on with my life. I expressed how bad he hurt me and its as if he doesnt care. He said that I need to get myself together and fix my attitude. He said our future together is unknown and it depends 100 percent on if he is in another situation. He is being really cold hearted towards me. I gave this man everything all of me and he just up and moved on... What do I do? Do you think he will come back?

Camila said...

hello i'm an aries so as you may figure out, for a man to disappear on me and just stop giving me attention out of NOTHING totally frustrated me!! as u said, this taurus guy first started off really strong, we kinda had sex and he was always sweet and texting me everyday and when I showed I was starting to care, poof! he started texting less and less and I was the one starting the communication almost ALWAYS. he always answered nice and sweet telling me nice things but still, i thought "i'll stop texting him and wait until HE texts me first"... so I did, and waited, and waited, and nothing! more than three weeks passed!!! so i waited 3 days and answered almost exactly the same as you suggested lol and then he answered hours later "Yes me too. Busy busy;). Miss u"... and now what? I haven't answered him I have no idea what to say.. but I'm thinking about just not answering.. it's just to easy for him to let everything be alright with a simple "miss u". I don't know if he'll stay around if I ignore his last text though... what should I do?? I'm waaay too impatient!

Anonymous said...

ok, I have a huge problem. First of all I just LOVED, LOVED, LOVED this blog. And all of the comments and advice offered. Some of the things said here REALLY opened my eyes, and I have started to see things more clearly now, BUt I still need advice, if you can please.

I am a scorpio totally and completely in love with a Taurus. We work for the same company, and I am older than him (10 years). We are both involved with other people. And not happy in those situations, but it is really complicated and I don't wanna get into that part. But anyway, the first time I met him, it was purely magnetic. I didn't recognize it at the time, but I do now. I fell in love with him from day 1 (but didn't understand or realize it until 3 years later).

He was always staring at me, watching me, being soooooooooooo sweet to me....but I didn't trust him AT ALL. Fast forward 5 yrs later.....long story, but we finally admitted to eachother that we each had a thing or crush on the other. And what do we do???? We talk, text, flirt, and then we IGNORE EACHOTHER! WHY??? I do this bc he does. This has been going on for 2 yrs now. So I assume I am not just someone he wants to sleep with, because you don't go THAT long, if you don't have real feelings for that person (My opinion anyway...)

As a scorpio, I feel I can read him easily, like a book. However, he is THE most confusing man I have ever met in my life. He DOES play the games talked about above.....ALL THE TIME! So when he ignores me, I do the same, and he ALWAYS comes back - ALWAYS! He makes up reasons to see me at work (we are in different departments) and it is always so obvious to me. What HE doesn't know is that I am totally and completely in love with him. And I "think" he feels the same, but this running away crap drives me INSANE! I think part of it is bc we both have someone else at the moment, but I know if we could be together we would be. :(

I feel like I have met my soulmate or my past life love or something with him. I have never felt this way with anyone in my life! So one day we all went out for drinks and him and I ended up alone, and he could have had me that day, but he didn't even try....I kinda seduced him....and we kissed for the first time, and it was the MOST MAGICAL, PASSIONATE, CRAZY LOVE kiss I have ever had. That was 8 months ago. Nothing has happened since.

He continues to play this game - he will text out of the blue how he wants me, and wants me to send him pictures, and then he will go 4-5 days without even attempting to say hi to me. (when he can). Honestly deep in my gut, I think we were "meant to be".....it almost feels like a tragic love story, bc we CAN'T be together right now. I WOULD be with him, but every time we plan to go for a drink alone (always his idea) he makes up an excuse why he can't. I don't get him AT ALL sometimes.

Why gush all over me, and text me randomly (and when I reply, why does he not reply back????) and tell me he is thinking about me all the time, and stare at me with those eyes, and smile at me with that killer smile that makes me melt all over the floor, and then just disappear not to be heard from again for another month???

I am thinking after reading this insightful article, that he is "testing" me. I don't know. But I DO know that I am in love with him, and I dont know what to do anymore. I run away just as much as he does.......but we ALWAYS come back to each other. HELP!!! Any advice for me, and this stubborn hot younger sexy bull??? I am so lost..... :(

Anonymous said...

Eeek, sorry that was SOOOOOOO long...I just reviewed my post. But I am so desperate for advice and felt I needed to share a lot of details of my situation (and I left out a ton, but if I had included all of that, it would have been a novel! )

Mirror of Aphrodite said...

@The Ladies Who Recently Commented,

I've just found a very insightful article, written by a man, a self-proclaimed player, and I think EVERY WOMAN HERE should read this piece immediately:


THIS is why women need to keep their cool, stop contacting men (let them come to you) and do not play the role of the agressor or you're going to fall right into their trap. Keep your emotions in check - it's a game, a self-admitted game.

Don't fall prey to it.

(And notice, it's a game played by the childish, insecure types of men who get their cookies off from tossing a woman emotionally and testing her emotional strength by putting her through the ringer because it's so easy to do. They use the female weakness to their advantage, they're opportunists. These are men who cannot connect with a woman in a genuine, authentic manner because they lack the social skills and confidence necessary to do so - BEWARE THE PLAYER, LADIES. He'll never grow up, he'll always behave immaturely, play childish games and trouble you emotionally and he'll never make a good boyfriend or husband.)

Anonymous said...

I've read your posts and you seem like a clever and well-experienced woman, so i thought ild post for some advice. Im a sagitarrius. i was dating a virgo male...we were seeing each other for 4 months and everything seemed to be going well. He said he wanted to take things slow with me because he didnt want to make mistakes or be wrong about a relationship ever again. he said all the right things, made future plans, and said he wanted to have an honest relationship, and that he could fall in love with me. All of a sudden, he disappeared with no warning, or goodbye. I tried to contact him once after he disappeared via a text message, with no reply, and no answer. a month later, i had changed my number and sent a general msg to all my contacts about my new number, including him. No answer. Its been 2 months now since we last saw each other. will he ever come back???

Anonymous said...

Very glad that I found your site. Your advices really opened my eye about dating. I'm an asian from another country and new to dating scene. A couple months ago, I met this guy online and we acturally only had 3 dates by now. He is 49 and I'm 38. From the very beginning, I made it clear that I'm only interested in a serious relationship that will lead to marriage and he told me that's his intention as well. He lives 4 hours away from my city. First two dates, I feel like he was aftering for sex since he was very aggressive even I didn't give in. I asked him about it but he said only because he is attracted to me and it's not just about sex which he said he could easyly get it in his city if he wanted... the 3rd date, I'd want to kick myself because I gave in and we had sex. However I didn't stay overnight with him in his suite since I didn't feel it was right. He didn't tell me what's the plan for the next day but says he will see me....The next morning he only drop by to see me briefly to say good-bye and I felt I was kept in the dark and being used. I called him and confronted if he is not really into me but he said he was.. It's just that he had a game to practice later on that day so he had to leave. I was a bit of emotional and upset since I got hurted before. Anyway, he didn't call that day like he said he would.. He called me the next day twice but didn't leave a message. I didn't call back untill 3 days later since i was trying to sorting out my feelings. I wanted to make sure I didn't get attached to him just because I had sex with him. He is the 3rd guy that I ever had sex with. He told me he was pulling back a little since I got upset that's why he didn't call. I explained to him how I felt and we agreed that we need to communicate more. However he didn't call me back again like he said he would and when I called next day and he explain that it was too late to call the previous evening. Anyway, we talked and he said he was avaiable to talk more in the afternoon. I realized I shouldn't be the one doing all callings so I didn't call for one week and he didn't call me either. I was wondering if I would ever going to hear from him again then one week later, he called and left a voice message saying he was in a car accident since last sunday and have been bruised up bad. Today is his first day to come in office and still sour and he think I probably forgot about him as well since he had not heard from me. he ask me to call him back but he said it would be okay if I don't want to since he had not heard from me for a week. I haven't called him yet... I'm just not sure whether he is a player or it's too soon to tell? What should I do? Your advice is highly appreciated. Thank you.

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